#desperately need to sit down and lay out my feelings abt how much the old one's presence is utterly crucial to arc 4 despite the fact

[astral-schools]

bro that really haunts my narrative

[erzva]

⟡ general Jason todd headcanons and how i view and portray him in my works cw. soft gentle clingy needy desperate touch starved jay

‎

…

i need to start off with certain stereotypes/ways in which he gets potrayed sometimes that i hate with every fibre of my fucking being :

he’s not some aggressive horny flirty fuckboy asshole jock. he’s grown and too old for that hs bs. like literally he would think of that behavior as annoying, revolting and stupid

and he’s most definitely (and i can’t stress this enough) not a yandere kidnapper or a stalker or any of that weird bullshit (if you wanna write stuff like that do it but it’s ooc)

he’s literally so caring and sensitive and he would be so gentle and soft. he’d be awkward and wouldn’t exactly know how to go about his feelings for someone.

he knows what its like when no one cares and when you grow up in an unstable home or on the streets so he has compassion for outcasts, children, women, non-cishetmen and animals

he’s canonically a nerd. he’s literary and he used to like going to school and learning. ppl always get him and tim mixed up bc tim hated going to school whereas jason wished he wouldn’t have had to drop out

also obviously very much an intersectional feminist ! he’s read all the books abt it and is actively working against his indoctrinated misogyny yup!

he loves all women and has a little soft spot for woc, fat/chubby/muscular women, women with big noses, you name it. just women who don’t fit the stereotypical beauty standard in general

he’s scared and ashamed of how needy and clingy he actually is. he knows himself (unfortunately) and it’s not something that he can just get rid of. it’s pent up from early childhood bc he never got enough love and then from after his death bc of all the shit he had to go through.

this side of him will haunt him until he dies- again. he can’t change it but he sure as hell won’t embrace it either. it’s a secret he wishes he could take with him to his final grave. actually- deep down he wishes he would find someone who understands and accepts him the way he is and someone who he can trust to be himself with.

!! aroace-spec , bi (women+)

he is secretly so incredibly desperate.. desperate for love, intimacy, being understood and accepted, desperate to be touched and hugged- loved.

he’s just so touch starved, he doesn’t even know what it feels like not to be. what it feels like to be loved or happy, to be content. how to not constantly feel like something is missing.

he needs someone to take care of him bc he just does a very poor job at that.. also it feels nice being able to just shut off and not having to think about anything

he wants to be hugged and caressed

gentle touches

he loves forehead kisses and headpats or just your hand on his head and in his hair

he wants to kiss you passionately and deeply

prefers making out and hugging/cuddling over sex

all he wants is to lay in bed or sit on the couch hugging someone who truly loves and accepts him and never let go

switch with a sub/bottom lean

i think it goes hand in hand with him having a sub lean but he’s attracted to strong dominant people. preferably someone who’s a switch too

everybody knows this already but he LIVES for praise

praise him and he’s in heaven. you’ll literally get him to do anything if you praise him. want him to give you head? just be a little clingy and loving, telling him how much you love him and how good he always makes you feel and he’s already dropping to his knees taking off your pants.

definitely a service / pleasure dom

if you’re fem/afab :

eating you out is his favorite thing. he goes in like it’s all or nothing (to him it is). no penetration if you didn’t cum at least once from his tongue.

he loves it when you ride his face and use him to make yourself feel good. there’s not a single thing he likes more than seeing you on top of him.

he loves watching you go from humming and gently playing with his hair to breathing heavily and tugging on his hair- to whining, moaning and grunting while grinding your pussy into his face deeper and faster to finally reach your high

also loves it when you ride his dick. being able to relax a little and just look up at you feeling good because of him makes him moan so much

he’ll also pull you down a lot when you’re riding him just to hug you and hold you close and to hear you breathing and moaning into his ear

he’ll thrust up from under you as fast as he can just to catch you off guard and see your face in pure bliss. he loves it when he makes you cum in this position.

he also loves missionary and the mating press

you know he’s close when he starts holding you close and mumbling/whining your name over and over again

if you’re male/amab :

he loves giving you head and eating your ass and wants you to use him. it really gets him going. it’s bc of his incredibly patent inferiority complex and feeling like he’s a good for nothing piece of shit

he also likes being the one that penetrantes you though. he’ll start begging for praise even though he’s the one topping saying things like “tell me i’m a good boy, tell me i’m your good boy.” “tell me how good i make you feel” “please just tell me i’m doing a good job.” “wanna make you feel good.” all while his big tall frame is hovering above you and ramming into you

a whimperer. he whines and moans a lot, shamelessly. he grunts and groans too. especially when he’s a little bit too frustrated or stressed. and he shamelessly breathes heavily during sex. any noise that he can make will escape his lips. all in all he’s just incredibly vocal and he doesn’t care if people can hear.

he really likes handjobs. preferably with you sitting in front of him so he can look up at you but he also likes it when you’re sitting behind him and you say things in his ear while kissing his neck or cheek and sucking on his earlobe

but he especially loves it when you’re sucking him off and finger his ass at the same time. add a little praise and you’ll have him whining, whimpering and maybe even crying. he’ll be a mess

he often gets teary-eyed during sex because of how sensitive he is. and i mean both his body and his feelings.

he prefers frotting, handjobs and dry humping over penetration.

he wants and needs someone who'd accept him for who he is and wouldn't wanna change him. someone who shares the same morals as him and doesn't have a problem with him being morally grey.

he would want someone he doesn’t have to explain everything to. he knows it’s toxic and not really fair but he hates having to put his thoughts into words. he’s not really good at it.

so he needs someone who’s observant and pays attention to details. maybe even someone who can read body language. just so he doesn’t have to go through the uncomfortable experience of having to say that he’s needy and broken out loud.

he wants someone to pay attention to him and figure him out so well that he doesn’t have to ask for things and they instead know what he wants and needs at certain times and just give it to him.

he gets pissed and sighs while rolling his eyes when he’s showing clear signs of what he wants and you’re not picking up on it.

it took great cruelty to make him this gentle. but to an extent he’s grateful for it because he now knows exactly why it’s so important to treat people kindly and gently.

…

[toournextadventure]

NEED TO KNOW WHAT ASH AND MEN WERE SAYING TO BIRB OMG. do we hear abt it next chapter or can you tell us now ? :0 ALSO THE HAT THING SMABSMSBAJSB.

If yall wanna know, I'll put it right below 👀 (I'll put it under a cut when I get on my computer!)

"I didn't know you were back," Ash said softly with that smile that used to get your heart racing.

It still did, just in a different way now.

"Only been here a week," you said with a shrug. "Getting home a bit late this summer."

"Been touring colleges?" She asked with a slight tilt of her head.

Her smile was sickeningly sweet, almost like she was laying it on thick. And she probably was, she knew you made it a point to avoid her during the summers. It was almost like you didn't want to see her. Hmm, how shocking.

Johnny and Tug kept their eyes on you. Well, Tug kept his eyes on you, Johnny had his eyes on the table where everyone was sitting. You could handle Tug, but Johnny had better keep his hands to himself. He better not be eying the kids. Fuck, he better not be eying Wednesday, either.

"Not quite sure what I wanna do," you sighed. You knew exactly where this conversation was going.

"You brought someone new," Johnny said, changing the topic. Unfortunately.

"From school." You shifted your weight to the other foot.

This whole situation was making you beyond uncomfortable. Nothing good came from Johnny mentioning Wednesday, there was no proof but you just knew it. Why did he want to know about Wednesday? He needed to mind his own fucking business.

"School?" Johnny asked with a nod to himself. "So one of those freaks. I'd love to show her what a normie can do."

In the movies, they say everything turns red when you get angry. Normally you would've said it wasn't true, you had been angry plenty of times and had never seen red. But now? Oh, you would agree with the movies because now all you could see was a dark, bloody red.

You wanted to kill him. To feel his pulse under your hands weaken until it stopped. He wouldn't even have the chance to ask for help, sputtering and gasping for air until he turned blue. No, he wouldn't be able to think twice about touching Wednesday-

-a gentle, cold hand touched your arm, and the thoughts stopped. You turned your head slowly to look into Alex's cool eyes. He didn't say a word; he didn't have to. Just that touch was enough to calm the anger that so desperately wanted to spill over.

"The ice cream is ready," Alex said softly. All you could do was nod and turn around. Bo was looking at you hesitantly; he knew enough to keep an eye out.

"Thanks, Bo," you whispered. If you talked any louder, you would get angry again.

"She's a little old, ain't she?" Johnny asked. Even just his voice was too much. "I thought your family liked to take them before they were old enough to fight back."

Oh so he wanted to die.

Before you could even turn around, Alex had his hand around your arm again, except this time he was using more strength. It would've crushed a normie's bones, and you would have a bruise the next day. But he was giving you a look and you wanted him to walk away, he didn't need to see any of this. Walk away and take everyone else.

"Let's go," Alex said softly. Why was he being so calm? Didn't he want Johnny to know it was a mistake to be saying those things?

Clearly he didn't because he simply pushed a few of the ice creams over to you and waited for you to grab them. You looked at Johnny's smug face and Tug's dumbstruck expression and whatever the fuck Ash was thinking. And you admitted defeat. You grabbed the ice creams and followed after Alex.

"Hey," Ash called out, and you stilled. Nothing good ever came from her, not anymore. Why couldn't she just leave you alone. "If you're ever free-"

"-I'm not," you interrupted quickly before finishing your trek to the table and setting everything down.

Wednesday's thigh brushed against your own and your thoughts eased just enough. But you wouldn't ever let Johnny near her. You would kill him before that ever happened.

[pseudofaux]

YOURE THE BEST!! Lemme holler abt Divulge which you wrote last year- i 💚 everything abt it but u kno my heart breaks a lil bit everytime Hide gets melancholy. What would he have done if he had his MC to himself like he "almost wished?"

YOU are the best! Ohhhhh ho ho ho ho, this is a fun ask. 😍 Thank you for requesting! No angst, they’re all very willing here. Going to take this past the six line limit I had in mind for these but it’s my pleasure to do so and I hope you enjoy! 🙇🏻‍♀️

(I’m beginning to edit/rewrite “old stuff”, including Divulge. Here’s the bit from where this takes off.)

Hideyoshi leaned over my back and sighed contentedly right behind my ear as his cock twitched surrender— if you could call it that. His fingers continued to toy with me as though nothing had changed.

“Sweet,” he said warmly, his kiss slipping on the sweat of my shoulder. “So sweet, so tight, so good. I’d like to have you to myself.” His arm squeezed me and his fingertips parted around the nub they had been working so intently, exposing the heated sensitivity to the cool air of the room. Then he brought them together to gently pinch. He seemed to know so much of me, maybe he had known it would make me coo. Either way, it made him laugh, satisfied and low.

“But… Puppy’s lonely down there, and you need to come again.”

…

“ ’m fine,” Toshiie groaned, one of his hands splayed wide against his belly. His hips moved slowly, making his hardened length sway. He didn’t hold himself, I noticed, just swirled his hand around his belly in a lazy rub. The face of the man I loved looked more sensual than I had ever seen him.

“Show me— what you’d do. If she was yours,” he muttered.

Hideyoshi chuckled warmly. “What an if that is,” he said, bending over my back more fully and slipping both arms around me. He wasn’t built like Toshiie but he was more muscled than his clothing let on. I wondered why he would choose to hide that kind of strength.

He nuzzled my ear. “If she were mine,” he whispered, “I’d be so gentle. I’d hold her every night I could.”

One of his arms slid across my belly until his fingers were back between my legs, and when he touched me it was, indeed, so gentle, the softest sweep of one fingertip moving slowly between the lips of my sex, coated in his cum and mine. It felt like love and it had me moaning softly, trying to keep quiet enough not to interrupt.

He continued. “I’d want her wrapped around me, to know she wants me and because those legs are so cute when they shake.” He wiggled a fingertip just inside me and sure enough, I shook like a leaf. Hideyoshi laughed, and Toshiie groaned and slipped his own hand down to slowly pump himself.

“But I’d also stretch her from time to time, to see how far she could go,” Hideyoshi mused, pressing two fingers inside and kissing my cheek when I gasped, a tiny lick against the heat of my face registering between soft presses of his lips. “You can stretch pretty far, can’t you, lovely?”

“Mmhmm,” I promised, desperate for more.

“I bet,” he said, and pulled his fingers away to slip them back in with another. He stopped talking for a moment after that, playing with me gently and sighing beside my ear in a way that made me shake all over again.

“So cute,” he said. “Let’s lay you down and give those arms a rest.” He took his fingers away again and gently pressed my body to the floor, cradling my cheek in his hand until the rest of me was there. I was left alone for the first time that night as he worked to spread out a futon, naked and shameless. There was a healthy color in his skin and it made me feel satisfied in a way I hadn’t before, like I had done something truly good for someone just by being myself.

“Into bed, sweetheart, that’s where you belong,” he said, helping me sit up and shuffle over onto a softer surface. I sighed at the feel of it giving under my back and he smiled like he felt it, too, even though he loomed over me, resting on his knees there on the bedding. Reaching for his cock felt too bold, so I reached for his face instead so I wouldn’t feel so lost. He caught my hand and brought it to his mouth.

Hideyoshi squeezed and released me after a quick kiss to my palm. My fingers twitched closed to protect the feel of it. “I’m here,” he said, “and I’m watching. Show me how far you can stretch.” He was so much I couldn’t tell if it were a demand or a request, but he said it with a smile.

This was new for me, but I wanted to please him. I brought my feet up on the futon to rest closer to my body, and attempted to be as shameless as Hideyoshi seemed by parting my legs on my own. My memory of his voice saying You’ve got a beautiful pussy, you know that? gave me courage. My movements were slow, and I kept my eyes on his. The kindness of his bronze gaze never leaving my face.

“Is that as far as you can go?”

Oh, his voice was so deep in the sweetness of that tease. I shook my head and shifted my balance to my back so I could spread my legs wider for him, feet off the futon, fingers on my shins. His eyes slipped down to appraise, then.

“Hmm. Puppy doesn’t stretch you farther than that?”

“No,” I said softly. Slowly, I spread my legs just a little wider. Hideyoshi’s grin was so gratifying I wish I could have moved more, but I was as open as I could make myself.

“That’s nice and wide,” he praised. “That’s one of the ways I’d fuck you, if you were mine.”

Toshiie and I moaned at the same time. Hideyoshi moved into the space I’d opened for him and leaned down to kiss my forehead. His cock pressed between us and I rocked up with a whimper.

He kissed my eyelids and my nose. Against my mouth, he asked “You want me to show you?”, sweet as he had ever been— and Hideyoshi had been very sweet to me.

I nodded as he kissed me. He rubbed his cock against my exposed slit long after he was fully hard again, so long I thought I would go mad. Only kissing me, gently sucking my lips and my tongue, going still and waiting for me to do the same to him. His hands found my cheeks to hold me in place as he took ownership of my mouth. As if he had me to himself.

And then he fucked me like he did.

[asterdeer]

wolf 359 liveblog

hey uh so wolf 359 is a special thing for me and i want to record my reactions to it for my own personal posterity or w/e so spoilers only below the cut. merry christmas and merry surviving-wolf 359-finale night!

(pre-episode listening to the one-last-thing ep) michelle agresti made goddard futuristics badges she’s SO GOOD and i’m crying a lot. and everyone was there. a wolf 359 reunion. i’m crying. “the wolf of wolf street”

okay episode time

this music signals nothing emotionally stable

is cutter the old man. did pryce give him a new body. OH GOD CUTTER IS THE OLD MAN AND PRYCE GAVE HIM A NEW BODY RED ALERT

they’re telling their stories and telling each other’s parts of the stories this is the creepiest shitting thing

fuck off cutter no one has lived happily ever after i hate you SO much. i hope pryce stabs you through your throat before she conveniently dies too

“let’s get started” fuck me.

---

i have some genuine concerns right now about evil and plans

TELL THEM MINKOWSKI!! GET THEM!! CUT THEM DOWN WITH ONLY YOUR RIGHTEOUS ANGER!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!

eiffel talking about the alien!!! ayyyyyyyyyyy boi!!

god emma sherr-ziarko is just.... so good. she’s SO good. minkowski is strong and commanding but there’s this very slight tinge of fear and desperation and i love her SO much i love her and her va so much she’s SO good

eiffel’s and hera’s conversation :’)

.......uh yall hey quick question did we time travel or time loop or is this just a flashback. i’m too trained for panic to trust this and i’m weirded out akshkdjh

....but hera’s and eiffel’s first meeting......im crying......bye.........im out....... “it’s good to know you’re around” :’) :’) :’) let’s see how far we’ve come

is this scene gonna be kepcobi #confirmed i’d scream. OH SHIT THO JACOBI LAYING DOWN THE TRUTH. BLESS IT. 

EIFFEL AND LOVELACE ARE BEING FRIENDS!!! IT’S BEEN SO LONG!! I LOVE THEM!!!! EIFFELLACE FRIENDSHIP LIVES!! oh god they brought up his alcoholism and i’m crying again. also like. eiffel appreciates lovelace being there and it’s SO pure but i’m also really really really glad someone expressed some appreciation that eiffel is there too. like. he needs that. the boy needs that. 

MINKOWSKI. MINKOWSKI. BABE. YOU’VE SAID THREE WORDS BUT I LOVE YOU AND SUPPORT YOU FOR WHATEVER YOU DECIDE. 

EVERYONE’S REACTION WHEN SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO STAY. GOD BLESS. GOOD MOMENT. GOOD TEAM MOMENT. 

“destroy an entire species” oh GOD pryce&cutter you’re trying to kill the aliens??? what the?? what the shit??? why??? god why

minkowski’s speech.... minkowski trying to get kepler and young on her side.......everyone grOAnIng when rachel quotes princess bride (shut up eiffel u don’t even get that groan privilege)...... good stuff........

jacobi......babe..............! your unrequited love is showing..... not to mention.....your humanity....

“thank you daniel... and goodbye” SHOT! THROUGH! THE HEART!! and unrequited kepcobi is to blame!!!

jacobi: yea so i’m a real mean dude jacobi: but also hey i just met you and this is crazy but i just swore undying loyalty to you so love me maybe

oh SHIT. OH SHIT. OH SHIT. EIFFEL’S LOG. NO. I’M. THAT WAS A FUCKING LOW BLOW. SHIT. OH SHIT. HE BELIEVES HE’S GOING TO DIE. GOD. GOD. JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. 

okay look. look here. douglas eiffel is so damn strong. douglas eiffel is so damn strong. he can sit there believing in his heart that he is going to die today at the hands of depraved and relentless villains and still speak words of strength and encouragement and love for his daughter who he hasn’t seen in years, and then come out only to encourage his commanding officer as well. there’s a reason douglas eiffel fulfills the communications officer role in this show and it’s because of this. it’s because he’s tough enough for this: he’s tough enough to smile for the sake of other people. 

OH MAN!! OH MAN!!!! THE LES MIS QUOTE WITH MINKOWSKI AND EIFFEL! I’M DOWN! ! PERSON DOWN!!!!! BYE!!! 

.................................no. no. NOPE. he called her renee. she loves him so much. she just wants to know he’s happy. he. she. he. he. she. she. i’m. no.

SHIT lovelace backing minkowski up. that’s what i’m HERE for. 

RENEE MINKOWSKI LAUGHING!! SO MUCH OF RENEE MINKOWSKI’S LAUGHTER!!! I’M SLAIN AND I’M IN LOVE!! SHE’S PLAYING COMMANDING OFFICER! SHE’S BEAUTIFUL AND GOOD AND ADORABLE AND PERFECT!!! whenever minkowski calls it “her” station i cry because minkowski deserves like a whole planet to command not just a station but she is so good at running her station. i love her. she’s good. she’s good.

i’m fricking. i’m fricking proud of myself. i heard that music and loved it and then cutter said it was based on a shakespeare play and i thought “that’s the tempest music.” and it was fuckin tempest music. this isn’t about wolf 359 i just gotta yell that even before cutter quoted it i felt that tempest feel in my soul.

i swear to pan The Harpoon is one of my favorite wolf 359 characters

jacobi!!! a great soul!!! maybe not a good one but a great one!! blowing that kazoo in victor’s face!! classique DID JACOBI JUST GET SHOT. SHIT. PLEASE TELL ME THAT WAS LOVELACE SHOOTING VICTOR. WHAT’S GOING ON. WHAT. 

so like is eiffel/jacobi a rarepair. idk i feel like they might mesh well together under better less morally suspect circumstances. the whole “want to turn my shit around and do some good for a chance” thing. and also the idea of jacobi being a bad influence on anne and completely destroying her chance of being an Upright and Morally Child Who Doesn’t Like Setting Things On Fire (At All) 

*takes the deepest possible breath* AALLLEXXAAAAAANDDEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR

ssshshiiiiiiiiitttttttt that’s what decima was for

BOB’S BACK and god what i would give if bob would just. just. fuckin flatten them. just break past their shitting scienceyfied weapons and flatten them.

OH MY GOD EIFFEL WHAT. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT. IM SCREAMING. DOUG. DOUG NO. NO. NO YOU TERRIBLE CHILD. 

“with my life, darlin. with my life.” douglas f. eiffel..................!!!!

jacobi no!! stop hurting him!!

cutter just.........???? killled????? an alien????????????????????????

....................shit. shit. NO. don’t........take.....his memories........shit.... this is bad this is bad this is SO bad. this is SO SO BAD. pryce. pryce needs to die. she needs to die nice and quick ok she needs to go HERA!! HERO!! THANK GOD!

this is the scene where kepler comes and saves jacobi??? right???? right

the eiffera is so strong and i’m SO weak for it he believes in her so much damn......... and pryce can get bent hera IS the army

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT WARREN!!!! DAMN! WARREN!! GOD i knew his monologuing would kill him. i knew it. he should have just walked out. kepler. damn kepler. DAMN kepler. SHIT. SHIT.

jacobi.... jacobi no.......... jacobi don’t....................... J A C O B I [LONG UNENDING SCREAM]

M I N K O W S K I !!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHE TOOK MONTY PYTHON AWAY FROM HIM!!! HOW DARE SHE! HOW FUCKIN DARE SHE!!! NO!!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!! HARPOON TO THE RESCUE!! SHIT MAN!!! HOLY SHIT!! HARPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!! [AIR HORNS BLARE]

uhhhhhhhhh i don’t like the way he said “let’s finish this” oh no  oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no  HIS MEMORIES OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO  EIFFEL NO!!!

and he’s awake for it. shit. oh god. oh god. oh god. he’s saying his final words. shit. shit. shit. 

[SCREAMS FOR AN ETERNITY] HE NEVER GOT TO SAY HIS WORDS TO HERA

AND NOW EIFFEL AND MINKOWSKI ARE MEETING  HE COMPARED HER TO KIRK AND HIM TO UHURA I’M DYING

...

...

....

they’re all gonna die aren’t they.

fuck.

NO! THEY’RE GOING TO GO THROUGH THE STAR! THEY’RE GOING TO GO THROUGH THE STAR!!

minkowski is completely and totally alone right now and i’m crying abt it. i’m crying a lot abt it rn. everything is going to shit. hell. HELL. this is my christmas present from gabriel fuckin urbina and co. hell. hell is my present. thanks gabriel urbina and co. this is some sweet sweet hell you’ve giftwrapped all pretty and nice for me.

minkowski and lovelace are okay.........................?

HOLY!! JACOBI!!! JACOBI’S GOOD!! HOLY SHIT!! I’M BEAMING SO HARD RIGHT NOW!!!!! OH MY GOD! MERRY CHRISTMAS!! 

eiffel calling her renee in that gentle quiet cautious voice is going to be the death of me. it is. i’m going to literally implode.

they’re............they’re going home...................they’re going home and alan rodi’s music is going to kill me..... doug just wants to stay with his friends......even now when he doesn’t really know them......... 

okay. this is going to take some time to absorb. i feel incredibly..........something. i don’t feel quite the sense of loss like i did at the end of taz balance because that was a definite end of something, i knew it wasn’t coming back because it was over (for the most part). this..... it’s probably not going to come back but their story isn’t over. douglas eiffel’s story for sure isn’t over, it’s just starting over again because he was a hero. they’re all heroes. 

“that was... wolf 359.” 

[grimbears]

why! is! my! brain! so! fucked! I sit there and think im doing fine and usually i am! i’ve fought my battles and im usually good except for the occasional spike in anxiety and sensory issues that come with the whole ADHD thing! but the moment im alone with nothing to do my boredom kicks in and god, i wish there was a better word for the insufferable boredom this is but my brain is *so* desperate for physical and emotional feeling and it turns into a spiral of my old depression and anxiety thoughts and i have a break down an the impulse to hurt myself in some way and like i never really think i have self harm behaviors until this shit happens and i found myself scratching up my arms and legs or beating on them or viciously scratching at my head and why is my brain this fucking desperate for stimulation cant you just  be. like i dont think ive ever even talked about the self harm shit because i never really thought of it like that but ive definitely broken skin before and slightly bruised myself akjfskjaf;lasjdf alone for a little bit goddam its not that bad and on top of that im just fucking paranoid when im alone and every sound i hear is either a demon or murderer and i hate this so much

but of course i cant tell my bf this because he has every right to have a night to himself, but tomorrow he’ll send me a text saying the bed was cold because i wasnt there and my selfish little brain is going to think “yeah no shit because you didnt want me to come over when i asked because i was having a massive fit and needed to be around someone” but then i cant say that and its not true because he doesnt know the latter part and i have no idea how to tell him about it without sounding so guilt trippy because I’m saying it in the moment of my panic so im not along and i dont want to be that person but goddammit ill probably forget about it tomorrow!!! or if i do mention it, he’ll feel super guilty and i dont want him to feel guilty because its not his fault but i also feel like I have to be the mentally secure one between the two of us because ive fought my main battle and won and he’s still struggling but i have bad bad bad days and im the opposite of him, i need to be around people and him especially

i thought abt taking some of my medicine to help a bit but its also super late so i wouldnt be able to do sleep at all im just exhausted. typing this out helped a bit, lets hope it doesnt spike back up. i have a tea, ill probably force myself to watch something that bores me to death again and ill have the urge to kick the wall or fall down the stairs and resist it and just lay in my tub or something. i have a bathbomb idk