#desperately need to have Something Healthy for late lunch and do some kind of workout

[luxflora]

girlies it has been a whirlwind hell of a week (and it's not over - I'll be dealing with parts of this through at least next Friday, and that's if I'm LUCKY) and we are feeling A Bit Unbalanced

[aewriting]

Grey Zone, Part 6

There is now a 6th part to this angsty, angsty fic, in which T.K. and Carlos run into one of T.K.'s past hookups.

Warnings for explicit sexual content, angst, unhealthy coping strategies.

All parts are here on AO3.

***

Lunch starts out well.

  They’re trying out a new place, post-workout. One of those fast-casual spots where you customize your own salad. It’s okay, T.K. thinks. Like, it’s nice to have healthy options, but he could have put this together himself just using stuff in his and dad’s fridge. Which, admittedly, is probably better-stocked than 90% of the fridges in Austin. 95%? 99%, maybe?

Carlos’s fridge is always well-stocked, too, he thinks, sneaking a look at him across the table as he sips a green juice. “How’s yours?” T.K. asks, and Carlos smiles.

  “Pretty good.”

  Things have been... nice, between them lately, especially since the club with Paul. They grab lunch sometimes - even breakfast or dinner, depending when they get off shift. Ice cream, once - rare for T.K., but worth it to hear Carlos order from the vendor in Spanish for the both of them, worth it to see him lick his cone with such... enthusiasm.

T.K. exhales. They haven’t slept together. There’ve been nights they probably could have, nights when T.K.’s been so close to just crowding Carlos up against a wall and going for it. But then he remembers therapy, remembers he’s not supposed to be just jumping into sexual encounters, let alone a new relationship.

  But is this jumping?

  It’s been a few months now, and it seems... god, it seems good. Carlos is gorgeous. He seems to think T.K. is attractive, too. But that, that’s kind of the least of it. Because T.K. knows from experience that part’s not hard. He, he’s pretty damn aware of his physical appeal. It’s all the other shit that’s a liability.

  But with Carlos... god damn. Like, Carlos knows him. And he hasn’t turned tail. Or, or just limited their encounters to sex. He knows T.K. relapsed, knows he had a bad breakup, knows his job and his dad... knows he can get moody. Sad, sometimes, indifferent. Careless, even... And he still seems to want more of him.

  So they eat together. Work out together. Take drives together. Watch movies together.

  And if they occasionally grind up on each other on the dance floor?

  Well. He’s a firefighter, not a saint.

  He feels like he’s getting closer to healthy. Not there yet, but at least he’s at a place where it feels like it could be possible. Someday.

  Like Carlos could be possible someday.

  So he smiles at Carlos, here in the little restaurant. Jokes about his super-tight t-shirt. Swivels around in his seat to see how much this place is charging to add avocado and -

  Shit.

  That’s when he sees him. Them. Fuck. And from the looks he gets in return, they see him, too.

  He... he knew this would happen eventually, if he and Carlos hung out enough together, especially in certain spaces. He wasn’t expecting it here, though, with these two, of all people. And not now.

  First instinct is to avoid. “I’m gonna use the restroom.”

  Carlos nods, mostly focused on his salad. “Sure.”

  T.K. crosses the restaurant quickly, trying to dodge eye contact, trying to pretend like the two other members of the filthiest threesome of his life aren’t currently in the same room as him and Carlos.

  They’d looked like they were almost done, with their food. He hopes that if he just takes some time, they’ll be gone. This place wasn’t designed for lingering.

  He washes his hands, looks in the mirror, breathes deeply, and heads out. Exhales when he sees that their table is empty... but goes cold when he sees the taller guy exchanging words with Carlos. Winking at him.

  Fucking hell.

  He delays as best he can, watches them exit the restaurant. Watches the way Carlos’s brow furrows, the way he looks down at the table without really seeing.

  He makes his way over, sits down. “Hey,” he says softly.

  Carlos startles. “Oh. Hey,” he says in return. But he doesn’t meet T.K.’s eyes.

  They finish their salads and drinks in near silence, a departure from their banter earlier.

  They get into Carlos’s car. Carlos looks deep in thought as he starts the ignition, then turns to T.K.

  “You still want dropped at the station? Or do you have other plans?”

  T.K. frowns. Other plans? “I go on shift in like 3 hours. I figured I’d just get a shower at the station and sort of bum around there for a while after that.”

  Carlos nods tightly. “Just thought I’d ask. That’s plenty of time to fit in some other stuff.”

  Other stuff.

  “What did they say to you?” T.K. asks, voice low.

  “Mierda,” Carlos mutters, mostly to himself. “I, I’m not repeating it.” His jaw tenses, and then his face goes carefully blank. “And it doesn’t matter anyway.”

  T.K. reaches out, touches Carlos’s arm, the one that’s about to put the car into reverse.

  “Hey.”

  Carlos’s shoulders slump, and he’s quiet a long while. His voice sounds raspy when he finally speaks. “How... how many? Since you’ve been in Austin?”

  T.K. purses his lips, doesn’t answer.

  “No, never mind,” Carlos exhales heavily. “You don’t, don’t have to answer that. It doesn’t matter. I’ll take you to the station.”

  “A lot.” T.K. says, louder than he means to. “It... it’s been a lot. Of guys.”

  Carlos just nods. “Um. After we...?”

  “Yeah. And before, too.” T.K. looks down. “It...” he starts. “I was trying to feel something.”

  Carlos’s mouth twists a little, at that. “It work?”

  No point in lying. “Sometimes.”

  “It work with me?”

  Shit. “Carlos...” T.K. trails off. Then decides, what the hell? He’s already this far in, might as well keep going. “At first, you were just another body to me.” He can see Carlos flinch, a bit.  “A, a really hot one, but... but that’s what it was. That’s all I was looking for. But you, you were nice to me. Like, nice in a way other people weren’t. Um, historically haven’t been. You... it seemed like you cared. About me. Like, the real me. Even with all my shit. And I liked talking to you. Liked seeing you out on calls. Liked it even more when we’d go out, do stuff.”

  Carlos is looking at him with big, sad eyes. “I liked it too,” he says finally, voice quiet. “It’s just...”

  “What?”

  There’s pain on Carlos’s face. “It’s like the damn fight. It makes me,” his jaw tightens, “makes me worry. For you.” He bites his lip, seems to consider something. “Those... guys. At the restaurant. They told me to have fun. Said you were down for anything.” Carlos shakes his head. “Like, what does that even mean?”

  What does it mean...

  Well. What it had meant, with those guys, was that T.K. had been in the vicinity. Had been looking for a hookup. Used the app and made contact with the tall guy. Met up at a fuckin’ hardware store and followed the guy’s truck to his place west of the city.

  It had meant that the guy had bent him over the hood of his pickup, pulled down his jeans, and fucked him hard, right in his garage... then told him that his boyfriend wanted a go, too. And T.K. - well. It’s not that he hadn’t wanted it. Just hadn’t expected it. Bad, bad etiquette, on their part, really. Like, you should mention that shit up front. That there’s another guy. Not, not everyone would be down for that.

  But T.K. was. Down for it. Down for anything, right? Honestly, at the time it just seemed novel. Kind of crazy. Different enough, intense enough to stir up... something.

  It was certainly stirring shit up now.

  “Probably means what you think it means,” he finally responds, wanting to see what Carlos will do with that.

  Carlos looks torn. “You use an app?” T.K. nods. “What... what did you say you were looking for? Like, in the profile?”

  Rough, he’d said. He, he’d said that he liked it rough. In his experience, the hookups with an edge of... of pain? Like, the really physical ones, the intense ones, those were the ones that seemed to do the trick. Pierced the grey the best, blotted it out the longest.

  Problem was, it didn’t last. He knows now, from his therapy, from AA, from all the goddamn work he’s putting in, that it had been just another high.

  “I stopped,” he blurts out, and Carlos seems startled. “I stopped,” he repeats, “almost a month ago.” He swallows. “Finally told my therapist, my sponsor what I was doing. And now I’m telling you. Always planned to tell you, eventually. Just didn’t think it would be today.”

  Carlos is frowning.

  “I deleted the app.”

  “Why?”

  T.K. sighs. “My dad. His diagnosis. I can’t be doing shit like that, the way I was. He, he needs me. And I...” Fuck, he just, just feels so low right now, trying to explain this. Had Carlos asked him about this two months ago, he’d have probably laughed. Smirked. Poked fun at Carlos for not being on the apps, too. But he’s in a different place now. Stakes are higher. With Dad. With, with Carlos.

  “I’m trying,” he says, hearing the desperation.

  And Carlos stares at him, sadly. Reaches over and pulls him close over the center console. “I know you are. I know.”

[vicmc624]

Surviving Mean Girls

Pairing: Dean X Reader

Word Count: 5101

Summary: When the boys get back from apocalypse world you think you have made new friends, til they start to break you down. (text messages in bold) 

Warnings: bullying, eating disorder, alcohol abuse, depression, sexual assualt

Masterlist

The boys arrived back from apocalypse world with a lot of new hunters. The next few days are spent getting them settled in and you meet three new girls. They were friends already and welcomed you into their little group. You enjoyed some girl time with them, showing some of the latest shows you were watching or just hanging out. You are sitting in the kitchen with the girls sipping coffee when Dean walks in.

“Morning sweetheart, ladies.” Dean says heading to the coffee maker. You jump up right away to get him the pancakes and extra bacon you set aside for him.

“You are an angel, thank you.” He says before kissing your forehead and heading out with his plate and coffee. You turn to sit at the table when you notice the girls are all kind of scowling in your direction. You ignore it and sit back down.

“Sorry, so where were we?” you ask.

“You know y/n, you couldn't make your crush on Dean any more obvious. And don't take this the wrong way but I've heard Dean in more into skinny girls. If you want I can help you work on a workout plan. Maybe get in better shape.” Suzie says with a smirk.

“For sure y/n, Becky and I can help too.” Tina adds.

You just sit for a second before getting up from the table. “I'll think about it, I've got some things to take care of. I'll see you guys later.” you say walking out of the kitchen. As soon as you turn the corner you hear the girls break out in laughter. You walk quickly back to your room and lock the door before you let the tears fall. Not only did they know about your feelings for Dean but they commented on your weight. You didn't think you were over weight, at least not til now. You got up and looked in the mirror. Sure you were curvier then the other girls but you were toned. You worked hard to get over your eating disorder you had in high school, to get to a healthy weight but what they said was like a punch in the gut. Were you just fooling yourself. You knew they were right, Dean would never go for someone like you. You spent the rest of the day in your room, not wanting to be around anyone. The next morning you were at the coffee maker when Dean walked in. He noticed you were a little more quiet then usual and asked what was wrong. Just then Suzie walked in with Tina and Becky close behind.

“I'm fine Dean, just didn't sleep much.” you said with a shrug.

“Well I'm here if you need me, to talk or just hang out. It's been a while since we watched a good movie in my room together.”

Just then your phone dinged. You looked down and saw it was in the group text you are in with the girls.

Suzie: look at her acting all pathetic just to get his attention. The fat skank needs a life.

Becky: Ikr, could she be any more obvious.

Tina: I'm sure she does this all the time to get Dean's attention, looks like it works.

Suzie: Right?! A movie in his room. How desperate is she?

You looked up from your phone to see Dean still staring at you. “I'm sorry, what?”

“A movie in my room later?”

“Sorry Dean, I've already got plans today. Rain check?”

“Sure thing sweetheart” He kissed your forehead before walking away and you left right after, not even talking to the girls. How could they talk about you like that. Did they forget you were part of that group chat. Either way you thought they were your friends. You went back to your room again and stayed in there. Day 2 with no food, but you didn't care. You were embarrassed and you didn't know what to do. If you say something, it would cause a big scene. They did have a really hard time in their world, maybe they just needed time to remember how to be around people without a constant war. The next day everything changed. Dean said yes to Micheal and was gone. Everyone was scrambling to try and find him. You were trying to be there for Sam putting your hand on his shoulder while he sat at the table, when your phone dinged again.

Suzie: look at her now, all over Sam too. What a slut!

Tina: Deans only been gone a day and she moved on already.

Becky: Pathetic!

You slowly removed your hand and backed away from Sam. He was busy on his lap top and didn't notice. Over the next weeks you spend a lot of time in your room. You were barely eating and only when there were people around. You started jogging every afternoon to clear your head. You had a perfect trail through the woods that led into town right by your favorite bar. You would head in for a few whiskeys before jogging back to the bunker. You had lost weight, almost 20 pounds so far. You started drinking more too. Not just at the bar but alone in your room. The messages kept coming in, not all mean things about you but most were.

Suzie: Does she really think jogging is going to help her. If Dean comes back he still won't want her. I'm going to make sure he wants me.

Becky: You are a way better fit for him.

Tina: I know, you would make such a cute couple.

Another few weeks pass and there is news finally. They think Micheal is in Duluth so Sam heads up there with Mary and Bobby. Sam is worried about you so he asks you to stay behind. You look in the mirror and see the dark circles and you cheeks look sunken in a little. You've lost more weight and you get dizzy sometimes. You do your usual jog to the bar and when you get back you head to the fridge to get some water. You hear some commotion before heading out to the war room. Dean is there hugging Jack and you can't help but run up to him. All this time without him you missed him. You wrap your arms around him and he lifts you off the ground.

“Dean are you ok? I've missed you so much.”

“You are a sight for sore eyes sweetheart. I've missed you too. I'm fine. I'm going to get cleaned up.”

You could tell he was disoriented with all the new people staring at him. You wanted to go to him after his shower but your phone dinged again.

Suzie: Did you see y/n, give the guy a break. He just got back. I thought she was gonna jerk him off right there.

Becky: That's one way to get his attention, lol. Prob wouldn't be the first time.

Why did you keep torturing yourself by reading them. Who knows but instead you walked back to your room and took a shot from your bottle. It's like all these feelings you thought you were over are coming back. Like you knew you weren't good enough. Why fight it. You sank down in the corner and took shots until you passed out. You woke up when your door opened, you were laying on the floor in the corner of your room with the bottle still in your hand. Dean walked in to tell you they were leaving to Sioux Falls but when he saw you on the floor he rushed over to you.

“Y/n, are you ok?”

“Me, yeah, I'm good. You know just celebrating you coming home. Guess I got a little carried away.”

“Are you sure there's not something else? You look like you've lost weight and Sam tells me you have been hiding out in here drinking.”

“It was just hard without you. But really, I'll be ok.”

“Well we are heading out to follow up on a lead, should be back in a couple days. Then we are going to sit down and talk. The three of us.”

“Ok Dean. Good luck, drive safe.”

He leans down and kisses your cheek before snatching the bottle out of your hand.

“No more drinking.”

“Yes Dad,” you say and roll your eyes.

What he doesn't know is you have other bottles stashed in your room. You were debating on another drink when Mary knocked on your door.

“Hi, y/n, how's it going?”

“Let me guess, the boys told you to keep an eye on me?”

“They are just worried. You haven't been yourself lately. Come on, get showered. We are going to have a girls day. Some lunch, maybe a movie. I won't take no for an answer.”

You grumbled under your breath before getting up and heading to the bathroom. All your clothes were fitting loose but you liked it better that way. You felt safer when people couldn't see your body. Once you were showered and ready you met Mary in the library and your heart sank. Apparently girls day included all the girls in the bunker. Suzie was standing there with Becky and Tina before she walked up and gave you a big hug.

“Isn't this exciting y/n, we've barely been out of the bunker since we got here.”

Once she let you go you all made your way to the garage. You had to take two cars and Becky piped up, “Y/n can ride with us!” Great. You moved to the back seat and closed the door. At the diner they insisted on sitting close to you. When the waitress arrived Suzie spoke up to order for you. “Oh I know y/n's favorite food from here is the bacon cheeseburger, extra bacon. She talks about it all the time.”

Mary looked over at you so you just said yes to the food. She kept watching you eat. I'm sure Dean had probably told her about your struggles with weight. You finished the whole thing and started feeling sick. Before you could get up Suzie said, “Aren't you going to get your usual pie?”

“No thanks, I'm full.” You shot her a glare before getting up. You knew you were going to throw up. The food was just too much so you excused yourself to the bathroom. After throwing up you came back out to see Mary and Suzie talking. You let her know you weren't feeling well and you were going to head back to the bunker. It wasn't that far to walk. She was about to say something when Suzie interrupted her. “Remember that battle in Dayton. I was so proud of us all working together, like a family.” You rolled your eyes and walked out the door before Mary turned back around. You were going to walk to the bunker but instead you headed to the bar for a few.

The next day Dean and Sam were back but something was off with Dean. You could tell he was upset about something so you stopped by his door to ask him. You saw Tina coming down the hall so you just went back to your room. You were holed up in your room and Dean was holed up in his. Sam found a case with killer toys and went to tell Dean about it. Dean was excited for this hunt and Sam suggested bringing you. You hadn't all hunted together since before they went to the apocalypse world. Sam knocked on your door while Dean packed.

“Y/n, come on get packed. We found a case. Wheels up in 10.”

“Sam are you sure you want me to come, there are plenty of other hunters here.”

“Of course, it will be like old times. You have been cooped up in here for months. I think the open road will do some good. Did I happen to mentions, it's killer toys.”

“Really? I'll be there in 5!” He knew that would peak you interest. You and Dean were so much alike. Being in the car with them felt like home. Just the three of you, when you stopped for food you ordered just a salad. Dean raised his eye at you but said nothing. Once you were at the hotel for the night it was dinner time. Sam left to get food and you and Dean just spent time chatting.

“Y/n you gotta talk to me, what is going on with you really?”

“Nothing, it's just been hard having the bunker so crowded, you know.”

Just then Sam walked in with pizza. You knew you would have to eat it and they would know if you threw up in the bathroom. Just breath, you will be fine. You had only one slice and Dean was again watching you. But you ignored him. “I'm going to go run and get some ice”, you said. You grabbed the bucket and went behind the motel first. You threw up quickly in the dumpster before getting the ice. They glanced up at you but stayed silent. You all turned in for the night and you waited for them both to be asleep before you laid down on the floor and quietly started doing sit ups. You tried to be as quiet as you could but you were getting tired and it was harder to stop the noises of exertion from leaving your lips. Dean flicked on the light while you were mid sit up.

“Y/n what are you doing, it's like 3 in the morning.”

“I couldn't sleep and since I didn't jog today I figured I do a little exercising til I got tired. Sorry I woke you up.” you said as you got up and went to the bathroom. Dean was back to sleep when you got out. You knew you wouldn't hear the end of it.

The next day you were interviewing the man who was attacked and he denied the whole thing. After waiting in the Impala for a while you saw him run out bleeding. You and Dean stayed with him at the hospital while Sam when back to the comic book shop. Pretty soon Dean got a call from Sam letting him know that the ghost has possessed the David Yaeger action figure and was on the way to the hospital. You were waiting with Dirk when it got really cold, after all the lights started flickering and the dresserer drawers opening and closing he freaked out running out of the room. You ran after him and then you saw the David Yaeger figure in front of you. You ran with Dirk the opposite way. While you were running you started feeling dizzy again. No, No, not now. You turned the corner and fainted. Dirk yelled for help trying to wake you up when Dean found you.

“What happened?”

“We were just running and she fainted.”

He scooped you up and carried you with him. He ended up with you and Dirk in the morgue. The figure sat up from under a sheet and Dean started fighting it. Sam and Samantha from the comic store got there in time and the burned the key chain tying the ghost there. Sam saw you laying on the floor and got scared.

“Dean what happened, is y/n ok?”

“Yeah I think so, Dirk said she fainted while they were running.”

Dean started to pick you up when you came to.

“Dean are you ok? What happened?”

“That's my line don't you think, considering you're the one who fainted while running from a ghost! No more of I'm fine bull shit. What is going on with you?”

“I already told you it's nothing. I don't know what you want me to say. I think I'm coming down with a cold. Been feeling sick all week.” You got up and started walked to the exit. “You guys coming? I just want to get home.”

Back at the bunker, you were back in your room again, there goes for phone dinging. Don't check it. Don't check it.

Suzie: I heard the boys talking, she practically almost ruined the hunt for them. She fainted in the middle, almost getting a guy killed. Talk about attention whore.

Becky: Good thing the guy is ok. I told you it should have been you on that hunt. I hear she's never been that good at hunting.

Tina: They probably just keep her around because they feel sorry for her.

Fuck it. You put on your leggings, a tank top and your favorite baggy sweatshirt. Pull on your sneakers and head out the door. You push open the bunker door when you hear Dean behind you.

“Y/n wait! We need to talk!”

“Can't, going on a run. You can keep up we will talk.”

With that you sprint off down your path. You know he doesn't run, you glance back and he is just staring at you. You make it to the bar in 30 minutes and order a drink. After a couple more you start to head back. About 30 yards into the woods you feel dizzy again and collapse. When you wake up there is someone on top of you. You punch him in the face and he hits you back before he pulls a knife out of his pocket. Holding it to your throat. You recognize him from the bar. He's been there a lot lately. When he is finished he moves the knife and you hit him again. He stabs the knife into your side and you can't stop the scream from escaping your lips. You pull the knife out of your side and slam it into his chest before he could stand up. He collapses with his pants still down and you slowly get up. You pull your leggings up and hold pressure to your cut making your way back to the bunker. It takes you longer to get home since you can't jog. You pull up your hood and slowly open the door. No one is in the war room so you make your way through the hall to your room. You don't notice the trail of blood you are leaving behind. You make it to your room and get your first aid kit out. You carefully take off your sweatshirt and splash some whiskey on the wound before attempting to stitch. You still feel so dizzy and you could tell you've lost a lot blood. The blood is pouring out faster than you thought and then you hear a knock at your door.

“Y/n open the door. Are you ok? There's blood out here.”

“Just a minute Dean, I'm fine.”

He starts picking your lock when he hears a crash. He kicks the door open to see you laying in a pool of blood.

“Sam! Mom! Help me!”

He picks you up and rushes to the infirmary. Sam sees you in Dean's arms.

“What happened?”

“I don't know, she went for a jog and I was going to see if she was back yet. Been trying to talk to her. I saw a trail of blood, I knocked and she told me to hold on. I tried picking her lock, but I heard a crash and just kicked the door in. It looks like she was trying to stitch this herself. It looks like a stab wound. And Sammy look at her face.” Dean sniffs trying to hold back the tears. He pushes the hair out of your face to show a bruise forming on your cheek. Sam is holding pressure to the wound. Mary rushes in, “oh my god, is she ok?”

“She's lost a lot of blood, we need to take her to the hospital for an transfusion.”

“No we don't, I have the same blood type as her, just hook me up to her while you stitch the cut.”

Mary takes over holding pressure while Sam puts an IV in your arm and connects it to the one in Dean's. He goes back over to your wound and pushes up your tank top for a better look. They all gasp when they realize they can see your ribs and hips sticking out.

“Sam did you know she had lost so much weight? Why would she do that, I thought she had it under control. Something must have triggered it.”

“I don't know, but when she is better, we are all gonna sit down and talk whether she wants to or not.”

After stitching you up you start to stabilize. They remove the IV from Dean and start working to clean you up. Sam had left to get you some pajamas to change you into while Mary got a rag with a bowl of water to clean up all the blood and dirt. Dean removed your tank top but before removing your leggings he took your phone out of the pocket. Sam arrived with your clothes and helped get your leggings off. They all gasped in shock when they saw blood and bruises on your thighs. Dean started crying and kissing your head. Sam and Mary were crying too but they continued to clean you up and get you into your clean pajamas before settling you down on the bed in the infirmary. You still hadn't woken up and Dean was starting to worry. Then he heard your phone ding, then ding again and again. He finally got tired of it and checked to see who it was in case it was an emergency.

Suzie: OMG did you hear, y/n pulled another stunt for attention. Apparently she was bleeding but I wouldn't put it passed her to hurt herself for attention. She seem like the cutting type.

Becky: Def. She always wants everyone's focus on her. Can't stand it.

Tina: Once Dean realizes how pathetic she is, he's gonna be yours for sure. Wish she would just leave already.

Suzie: Yeah or that she would just cut deep enough to put us all out of our misery. HAHA!

Dean read the messages and just got more and more mad. Then he scrolled all the way to the top and read them all. Everything he needed to know was right there. Why she was so distant, why she stopped eating. How could those girls do that to her. She is the nicest person he knew. And he knew it was not accident y/n was included in the group chat. They wanted her to ready those messages. He could feel the rage boiling in his blood. He thought back to all the drinking the night he came back, he read the messages from then and put it together with finding her passed out on her floor. Jogging to the bar every day. All the dizziness and fainting from not eating. It took everything in his power to not go find those girls and kill them on the spot. Sam walked in and saw the anger in his eyes.

“Dude, what is it?”

Dean couldn't even speak, he just handed Sam y/n's phone. He could see the anger taking over Sam too. They would deal with this but for now they just sat and waited. A few hours later your eyes opened and you saw the boys and Mary sitting there. Dean was holding your hand. You started crying and couldn't stop. He held you tight til your breathing finally slowed down.

“Sweetheart, what happened? Tell us who did this to you?”

You could sense his barely controlled anger while he was talking. You looked down at your hands before answering.

“He was a guy I recognized from the bar. He's been there a lot when I go lately. I was heading back to the bunker when I fainted again. I woke up and........”, you start sobbing again. Mary is holding your hand while Sam is rubbing your back and Dean is on your other side.

“It's ok y/n, take your time.” Dean whispered.

“He was on top of me, I punched him and he hit me back. Then he pulled the knife out and held it to my throat while he finished. When he was getting off of me he moved the knife. I hit him to try and get the knife away and he stabbed me. That's when I pulled the knife out of my side and stabbed him in the chest. I didn't want him to get away or try to follow me or kill me.”

“Why didn't you call us, we could have came to help you get back. But instead you head to your room without asking for help. You could have died!”

“I didn't want to bother anyone or for anyone to see me like that. I really thought I could stitch it on my own.”

“So is the guy alive?”

“I don't know, I left quick but I got him mid chest with the knife.”

“Tell me where this happened y/n, I'll go check it out.” Sam said.

“About 30 yards away from the bar through the woods. I have a special path I take....”

“I know your path, I've followed you before.” Sam got up and left and Mary left too.

Dean brushed the hair out of your face and kissed your forehead before speaking again. “Is it because of those girls y/n?”

“What do you mean?”

“I read your messages. I heard it going off after we stitched you up and when it didn't stop I checked it. I'm so sorry you had to read all those vile messages. I can't believe they would deliberately hurt you like that.”

“I should have just ignored them, but you were gone, Sam was busy taking care of everyone and I didn't want to bother him. I tried not to let it get to me, but I wasn't strong enough. I let them win and gave them what they wanted.”

“You are the strongest person I know. I want you to know we already talked to Bobby and they are leaving the bunker. I can't have those type of people here. Ones that try to hurt other hunters. And as for you. I need you healthy again, so until you gain some weight and quit drinking, you are benched from hunting. But I need you to hear me, everything those girls said it wrong. Everything. You were not fat, you are not pathetic, you are a great hunter. And most importantly, I could definitely be into a person like you. Because I am into you.” With that he leans down and gently brushes his lips to yours. “Do you mind if I lay with you and hold you. I was so scared I was going to lose you before I got to tell you....I love you.”

You stared at him for a second before scooting over in the bed. He lays down with his arms open, after you snuggle into his chest you say, “I love you too Dean.”

You eventually drift to sleep before Sam walks in the room. “Well?” Dean asks. “I found him, he's dead. Got rid of the body and cleaned up all the evidence. Did you talk to her about those girls?”

“Yeah, they really hurt her, had her doubting everything about herself. I want to be there when we give them the news that they are out of here.”

“First thing in the morning. I'll come get you before the meeting.”

The next morning you are still sleeping in his arms when he gently slide out from under you, placing a pillow under your head. He walks out to the library where Sam is waiting, Bobby walks in with the three girls. He recognized them but didn't know who is who.

“Morning girls, which one of you is Suzie?” Dean asks.

She got a sultry smile before raising her finger, “that's me!”

“So you're the one who started all this, from the very beginning. I don't like high school bullying crap in my bunker. I found all your little messages on y/n's phone. Is that really how you treat a fellow hunter. I'm sure you didn't know that she had an eating disorder that I helper her work through. Or that she deals with depression and anxiety. Of course not, because you don't care about what other people go through. You only care about bringing them down. You tried to knock her down to make yourself feel better, and you two went along with it. Oh and Suzie, you're definitely are not my type, I'm not in to evil skanks. So you three need to go to your rooms and pack. You are no longer welcome here. We will set you up with some fake ID's and one of our safe houses. Give you a little money and fake credits cards to make it a few months then your on your own.” He turns to walk away but turns back, “pray I never see you again, because no one get away with hurting the woman I love.”

Dean is carrying you out of the infirmary when you see the girls walking out with their bags. They all glare at you but Dean just giggles and continues on. The next few weeks are hard. Nightmares every night, plus quitting drinking cold turkey is affecting you. You are trying to eat more but since you are dealing with the withdrawal you are shaking and have no appetite. You are throwing up even if you don't eat and you have had several hallucinations of the man who attacked you that left you screaming in the corner of your room. The boys stayed by your side the whole time and you eventually got better. You started gaining weight again and got stronger. Dean helped you through the nightmares and you grew closer to him everyday. You still had Micheal to deal with, and all the other monsters out there, but you had each other. You knew that you would be able to handle anything else life threw at you.

[bladesofyuri]

My Excess Weight is Falling Off: How, Why, and What’s Different

This is a different kind of post for this blog, but I think it’s worth sharing.

If you’ve been following me for a few months, you may have seen a post I made asking for fitness/healthy lifestyle/accountability buddies. My weight is something that has always fluctuated and that I’ve always had a hard time with, even when I was dancing all the time and trying all sorts of “diets.” Over the past two years I found myself in a really dark place, and the weight started piling on for a number of reasons. No, I’m not telling you that as an excuse--it isn’t one. I simply wasn’t taking care of myself like I should’ve been. I was eating fairly well but not well enough, skipping meals I just felt too tired to eat (and sometimes, I’d go an entire day without one), and when I’d go to the gym, I wouldn’t do much more than the elliptical for an hour or a half hour plus some resistance training that really wasn’t challenging me. I knew I needed to work differently, but I had no motivation and my heart just wasn’t in it at all. The combination of graduate school and work was, to be frank, kicking my ass. On top of that, my social life had become nonexistent, I had no boyfriend, and didn’t really feel like I had anyone aside from two close friends who no longer even live in the same city to talk to. 

I’d even for the first time in my life grown very uncomfortable at the gym, despite knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt from my own experiences on the other side that nobody cares about what you’re doing or is even paying attention to you there. Still, I felt like a big, bloated puff waddling around it in comparison to everyone else and more importantly, compared to how I used to feel in it: strong, confident, and calm. 

Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly the epitome of health at the time.

There was something else too that’d been bothering me: more than anything, I wanted to get back into dance, despite having been out of it so long. I just needed that familiarity, that something, even if I wasn’t really in good enough shape in my mind to be doing it. One evening, I saw an advertisement, and I decided to try a class. 

That in itself was a little jarring: I suppose in the 7 years I’d been out of dance, I’d forgotten how tiny dancers really were. I’d always been thicker for a dancer, at my fittest usually being mistaken for a cheerleader or gymnast. This was also the time when I was extremely involved with martial arts, which literally shredded my fat in those tougher spots right off. I’d gone from literal fighting shape with a six-pack to fat, and on my kind of build (which is average height and very curvy), even being a little chubby shows. 

So here I was, in this dance class for a style I’d never tried before feeling very much like a potato among shorter, more toned versions of Victoria’s Secret models. It was a bit overwhelming to say the least, though it was fun. 

That said, there were a ton of concerns going through my head. This class happened to be one where you’re partnered by men the whole time, and I began to wonder what effect my weight may have on them. There were no lifts at least--but moves that involved leaning, dips, etc. were common. Not to mention, I imagined my larger body must be much harder to lead.

So, I worked out a little more, still doing the same types of thing. Elliptical, treadmill, occasional resistance. I tried cutting carbs (more on that later), had a brief and desperate stint of limiting myself to one small meal a day (unhealthy and disastrous--I gained weight), and several other things that were so ineffective they aren’t worth mentioning. I thought that maybe despite my age my metabolism had already begun slowing down rapidly. 

Not knowing what else to do, I decided to see a nutritionist. 

We started meeting regularly, and she worked to figure out what exactly was going on. On paper, I wasn’t eating particularly badly: I had a few off days here and there, but combined with the amount of exercise I was getting daily (from walking back and forth to work and class, those 3-4x a week gym sessions, plus the new dance class additions), she had a little trouble deciphering what was wrong at first. I was particularly frustrated--I’d lost weight before, dropped my body fat percentage to a staggeringly low but still healthy amount for a female, and yet nothing I was doing now seemed to be working. My weight just fluctuated naturally as it always had. I had my resting metabolic rates checked, and some other tests run too.

Well, I thought when everything checked out to be within normal range, at least I was finally having some fun. I loved my dance classes and each made me feel quite a bit better on a daily basis even if I did still have those occasional nights when depression and anxiety really decided to kick in. Though the styles were different, I was doing something I loved again and meeting new people who were kind, informative, and encouraging, and that was more than I’d had in some time.

It still wasn’t enough for me, though. Not really. I’d dance around my apartment, listening to the kinds of music I used to dance to--hip-hop in particular. It always had been my strongest style, and I decided to try out the studio’s advanced class. I had, after all, done it for many years, and was still pretty confident I could move like I used to if my probably hilarious apartment dancing was any indication.

I took a class. 

I realized they filmed everything. 

And I watched those videos back. Sure, I still had it and had somehow managed not to lose much of my skill, even if I had been out of it for so long. No doubt this is thanks to the physical activity I’d maintained, even if it wasn’t up to par with what I’d done in my dance and martial arts days. Seeing that first video generated two thoughts in my mind:

1. I was still good. Very good. 

2. I was still good, even keeping up with the pros in my class, but the person dancing in that video wasn’t me. 

People have different opinions when it comes to being on camera. Some think it’s unhealthy to use it as a motivator, believing that it can develop an obsession. But I’m not that type, and in my mind, using videos to hold myself accountable is no less unhealthy than sitting on Tumblr feeling sorry for myself and eating myself into a blob, which is exactly what I felt I was. Nobody was “shaming” me. It wasn’t society or beauty standards or anything of the sort. I simply wasn’t happy with myself, and this video proved it. 

I kicked it into high gear. As much as I may not often admit it I’m a highly competitive person. I see either someone who’s better than me at something and what to get to their level or surpass them, or I see myself and want to overcome that current self and transform it into something better. This, for better or worse, was exactly the blend of both I needed. I could dance like the people around me, and where I was a little rusty I knew I could get back, but I didn’t look as strong as them just because of my body.

I made small changes to my diet. I’ve always had a running joke about having the appetite of a lineman, and to this day that’s true. I like my food, and I like to eat. A lot. But I changed what I ate and when. I eat no breads or rice after lunch, instead loading up on lean meats and veggies. I don’t snack on things like yogurt at night anymore, either. Instead, I whip up some egg beaters (I highly recommend the southwestern flavor, by the way) and throw some lean, deli-cut turkey breast in with it. That’s my current go-to late-night snack. Other snacks are usually hard-boiled eggs or something along the lines of raw vegetables, fruits with a light dusting of Stevia over the top for those sweet tooth days, and carrot fries with a light ranch. I also make good use of frozen fruits that keep forever and that I can throw into a blender with some Greek yogurt. Breakfast is often something like a grilled chicken breast with eggs (my ultimate weaknesses is Chick-fil-A’s egg white grill when I need a speedy breakfast on the go), a poached egg with half an avocado and a slice of wheat toast, or something along those lines. I’ve also tried the toast + peanut butter + banana thing, though it was a bit sweet for my taste. Lunch is a bit broader: I enjoy salads but not enough to have them daily, and lunch admittedly tends to be my least healthy meal of the day. I had a cheeseburger today for example, which I do not recommend, but if you’re going to do something like that, just make sure you’re opting for a side salad or something similar instead of fries. My aim for lunch tends to be a light salad or a something like a burrito bowl with very little to no rice. I focus on lean meats and vegetables for both lunch and dinner, so depending on what I’ve prepped or am planning to make/have, I make the according adjustments to my lunch. 

One thing I cut out completely--and a cut that pains me as it will my fellow Southerners--is sweet tea. I love sweet tea. I grew up on sweet tea and it’s quite literally the taste of home. This is something I had to ween myself off of over the course of a couple weeks on the days I ate out, ordering 1/2 sweet, 1/2 unsweet drinks. I’m happy to say I’ve already broken the habit, and it’s already become natural for me to order or make unsweet tea and either drink it as is or add just a pinch of natural sweetener in. Likewise, I cut back on sugary coffee drinks, though that wasn’t as difficult for me. I don’t mind the taste of black coffee, so that’s all well and good.

Once I did all of these things, I started noticing little things. Those leggings that had been too tight suddenly started to fit perfectly. My workout pants that I’d gone a size up on because of my chubbier areas started falling off--literally, to the point where I constantly have started having to pull them back up. My stomach and waist area--which is the one and only area I always have lost weight quickly in--has already gone from being jiggly to flat. My lovely (yes, this is sarcasm) Viking arms I inherited from my dad and my thick cyclist legs I inherited from my mom are already slimming down and toning. I started bodyweight circut classes and free weights again, though I definitely still enjoy my resistance days. It turns out I don’t need any additional cardio now that I’m dancing again, and I really only do short stints of it for stamina purposes.

And suddenly, it’s all been put into perspective. 

My biggest block was settling for not enough. 

I was eating in a more healthy way than the average person, but it wasn’t enough. I was working out regularly, but not in a way that was enough. I had no real routine or regulation for what I was eating beyond just staying under a certain calorie count, and not a good enough routine in the gym.

I’m not saying don’t go get on that elliptical or treadmill if that’s something that makes you feel good and helps you. Everybody’s different. Some people really can drop weight as long as they’re up and moving, and it really doesn’t matter what they do during that time. Others, like myself, need more specific exercise, and from experience I know mine is a combination of dance or martial arts and weights/bodyweight. Running does nothing. Ellipticals do nothing. Cycling does nothing. I have to do weights, and I have to have workouts that engage my entire body.

I’m happy to say within the past month of really hitting it this hard, not only have I lost weight, but I’m nearly down a size in everything (the latter of which is more over the course of two months). It really was just making the right changes and remembering what works for me, along with figuring out the new things that work for me since I obviously no longer live under my parents’ roof like I’d done the first time I’d really gotten fit. I had to figure out a way to cook for myself and make the right decisions when I do get fast food. I had to really start putting in the right work at the gym.

And you know what? It’s worth it.

I’ve even developed something of a social life through my classes again, and I’m loving every minute of it. It’s worth it to go into those classes and meet people, encourage them while they encourage you, and let them help to make you the best you can be through their sheer dedication and skill. 

As for the darker mental side of it all, depression and anxiety don’t go away, but you can train yourself to push through them again, and you might just find those spells starting to dwindle a bit when you do. For me in every way, shape, or form, these changes have all been worth it. 

Find what works for you and go for it not halfway, but all out. 

[dorkwhowrites]

The Wishlist (Chapter 2)

Group: Bangtan Boys

Pairing: Yoonseok

Genre: Angst/Fluff

Yoongi walks in the hospital with a cup of coffee in his hand, his hair is a mess because he woke up a bit late and he smiles a little to the nurses before going to his own office. He finally sits down and sips his coffee and then arranges the little things that are a bit disarray and starts working on the reports that he still has pending.

He doesn’t have an appointment with anyone for another hour and it is spent in him working on his reports.

Once done there is a knock on the door of his office and he starts putting his papers away and a tall man appears with a sort of nervous smile on his face. He is wearing a backpack and appears to be very young dressed in a white T-shirt and black skinny jeans.

“Dr. Min,” he asks.

Yoongi just nods and motions him to sit on the chair.

“I am Jung Hoseok,” the man says as he sits down placing his backpack on the other chair. “I was scheduled an appointment for today,”

“Ah yes,” Yoongi says.

“So…,” the man asks. “I have been feeling very awful lately. I went to many doctors and none of them seem to understand what is wrong with me,”

“Can you elaborate your symptoms a little?”

“For starters, I always feel weak and I don’t know why, I feel like I eat a pretty healthy diet and I always workout and then there is the infections I’ve been getting and bleeds also I seem to sweat a lot,” he says.

“And what do the other doctors think?” Yoongi asks.

“They give me the stuff to treat the infections or nosebleeds but nothing seems to work for me,”

“Oh, and what made you think you have to consult an oncologist?” Yoongi asks.

“The last doctor I went to thinks it’s a good idea to be checked just to be on the safe side,”

“Oh,”

“Doctor,”

“Yes?”

“I won’t have cancer right?” he asks and he sounds hopeful and Yoongi has heard this tone a lot of times.

“We won’t know for sure until we get you tested but these symptoms can be explained by some other condition,” Yoongi says hoping he doesn’t scare the poor guy.

“Yeah, I guess you are right,” the man says.

“So I have to schedule you for some tests,” Yoongi says. “How about tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow is okay with me,” he says with a smile.

“Okay then,” Yoongi says.

The man smiles again before leaving and Yoongi hopes that at least one doesn’t have it.

The rest of the day is passed in making more appointments. Yoongi has the hardest time with the kids. They are too hopeful, too naïve to even understand what is going on and then he sees their mother clutching their small hands as Yoongi sticks a needle onto them and by now they have stopped crying and just have learned to live with the pain. The kids are so brave and they still have hopes but Yoongi knows the ugly truth that most of them aren’t gonna make it past the age of eight and it breaks his heart when they ambitiously talk about becoming an astronaut or a firefighter and Yoongi just nods and smiles not saying much because he never has been a man of words.

Things that like really do convince him that God doesn’t exist.

It’s 6 pm when he finally gets off of work and today he is a bit happy as one of his patients a 13-year-old girl is going into remission and of course there is always the underlying risk but he has never seen the parents look so alive as they repeatedly thanked Yoongi and presented with him a gift of cuff links and a bouquet.

He has the bouquet tucked under his arm and the cuff links in his bag as he gets into his car to drive back home when he gets a call and it’s, of course, Seokjin.

“Yes hyung,” Yoongi says as he picks up.

“Hello Yoongi, I need a favor,” Seokjin says and he sounds highly stressed.

“Everything okay?” Yoongi asks.

“Yeah, but Namjoon has some kind of party at his boss’ house tonight and he only told me about it an hour ago,”

“Oh,”

“I called the babysitter for the kids but she isn’t available and I can’t leave them with the neighbor because she hates them,”

“So I have to babysit them?”

“Can you do that for me?” Seokjin asks. “It would mean a lot”

“Of course hyung,” Yoongi says.

“Thank you Yoongi, I love you,” Seokjin says.

Yoongi chuckles.

“Bye hyung,” he says as he hangs up and drives to Seokjin’s house instead of his own and when he reaches there he founds a very stressed Seokjin helping Namjoon with his bowtie while the kids seem to have some kind of pillow fight with each other that Seokjin simultaneously tries to break up and it’s complete chaos.

“Come on guys that’s enough,” Yoongi says. “Don’t trouble your dad too much”

Taehyung seems to hear what Yoongi said and stops but Jimin and Jungkook continue with the fight.

“If you guys won’t stop I am not going you buy you all pizza,”

That seems to work well enough as they both stop immediately when Yoongi sees Seokjin come in the living room.

“No one is gonna order pizza,” he says. “I made you guys dinner including you too Yoongi,”

“What?” Yoongi asks.

“You always get takeout and you need to stop doing that,”

“I’ve started cooking now,” Yoongi defends himself.

“Frozen meals don’t count as cooking,” Seokjin says making Yoongi roll his eyes.

Seokjin disappears into the bedroom and reappears a few seconds later with Namjoon.

“We’re leaving now,” Namjoon says to the kids. “Don’t trouble Yoongi hyung too much”

The kids' nod before hugging them and Seokjin kisses their cheeks.

“Thank you so much hyung we really appreciate you looking after the kids,” Namjoon says.

Yoongi just nods.

“Bye,” the kids says as the door closes and then they sit back down on the sofa.

“So?” Jungkook asks. “Are we still ordering pizza?”

“Of course,” Yoongi says and there are loud cheers from all of them as Yoongi dials the number and orders two meat lovers. He knows that a pizza every now and then won’t hurt the kids because the kids seem to eat only healthy all the time as Seokjin takes all of that very seriously. Besides is he even a good uncle if he doesn’t spoil his nephews rotten?

When the pizza arrives Yoongi puts a scary movie for the kids because that is another of the things that Seokjin doesn’t let them do. They all are very fascinated and stay at their spots while munching on the pizza and Yoongi watches the movie but most of the time he is distracted by his thoughts which range from everything to work and Jihyo.

Yoongi thought he always had his life figured out ever since he was a kid. He was gonna study and then become a doctor because his parents said so and that’s what he did. He didn’t have many friends and of course no girlfriend because he was awkward and too busy with studying most of the time. The only exception was Seokjin the only friend Yoongi had.

University happened and Yoongi was still as focused as he always was but he learned to make a few friends and even then he didn’t get drunk at parties or show up late to class late. He did his work on time and when he finally became an oncologist he felt that he could be finally happy.

But now he was almost 31 and he has never been so unhappy with life. He doesn’t feel like he is living, he is just surviving for whose sake he doesn’t know. Nothing makes him happy. He feels empty and hollow.

Selfish that is what he is when he realizes that he has something that all his patients desperately hope for every time they walk into the hospital. A chance to live, and here he is feeling like he doesn’t care about living all that much.

He really doesn’t.

When it’s about 10 pm the movie is over the kids are all sleepy but he makes them all brush their teeth and change their clothes before they all finally fall asleep.

Yoongi just listens to music lying on the sofa as he waits for Seokjin and Namjoon to return. He hopes he can make it home before 1 am because he has an early start tomorrow.

Namjoon and Seokjin show up at about 12:30 am and Seokjin seems a little drunk as he walks in holding Namjoon’s hand and giggling. Yoongi knows this from the various parties he had picked up Seokjin from when they were in University. Seokjin was a real party animal back then.

“He had a bit too much of the champagne,” Namjoon explains and Yoongi chuckles a little as Seokjin unbuttons the top buttons of his white dress shirt.

“Are the kids asleep?” Namjoon asks and Yoongi nods.

“Thanks hyung for taking care of them,” Namjoon smiles.

“It’s no big deal,” Yoongi says. “Anyway I gotta go now, see you guys later”

“Bye Yoongi,” Seokjin mumbles as he clings onto Namjoon.

Yoongi just laughs and leaves the flat before driving back home. By the time he reaches his home he is too tired to do anything but sleep.

He strips off his clothes and climbs into the bed and falls asleep.

  The next day Yoongi manages to make it just on time to the office. He blames it on him staying up so late last night.

He already had a call from Seokjin in the morning complaining about his headache and how he had to pack an unhealthy lunch of PB&J sandwiches for the kids because he is too hungover to cook and how he swears that he is never ever gonna drink again.

Yoongi laughs because he has heard the last one way too many time.

Yoongi stops by some doctors who need some consultation before it’s almost lunch time and he sees a tall guy waving at him in an awkward fashion and Yoongi remembers him. He is the patient from yesterday.

“Dr. Min,” he says. “I am sorry I am so late but I am here for the tests”

“Oh that Mr. Jung…,”

“Hoseok,” the man finishes. “So can I still get the tests?”

“Yeah, okay,” Yoongi says.

Hoseok smiles as he follows Yoongi to one of the patient rooms.

“Sit down,” Yoongi says and the man hesitantly sits down.

Yoongi proceeds to sanitize his hand and puts a glove on before he takes a syringe.

“What are you doing?” the man asks.

“Drawing blood,”

“Will it hurt too much?” the man asks with a gulp.

“Like a pinch,” Yoongi says. “Not too much”

“I haven’t my blood drawn since I was a kid,”

“That’s okay it won’t hurt too much,”

The man nods biting his lip as Yoongi injects him and Jung Hoseok’s hands ball up as he looks away.

Yoongi draws enough blood.

“There, all done,” Yoongi says.

“That’s it?” Hoseok asks. “I am done with the tests?”

“No, I have to get a bone marrow test,” Yoongi says.

“What’s that?”

“I’ll stick a needle in your hipbone to get some bone marrow so I can test it,”

“That will tell you if I have cancer?”

Yoongi nods.

The man looks scared as Yoongi tells him to lie on his stomach and lower his pants.

Yoongi sticks the needle and the man groans loudly as Yoongi draws out the marrow.

“Fuck, that hurt,” Jung Hoseok says.

“I am sorry,” Yoongi says as he cleans the spot. “You can pull up your pants now”

The man pulls his pants up.

“I got a nosebleed today too while I was in my studio,” Hoseok says. “And I did some research on the internet and apparently my symptoms account to leukemia,”

“The internet is not the best place to go for your symptoms,” Yoongi says.

“I am a bit scared,” the man says with a humorless chuckle.

“The odds are in your favor for most cases it’s always something else,”

“I hope so, I mean I don’t want to die,” he says.

“None of us do,” Yoongi says quietly as he places the samples on the side table and he removes the gloves.

“Yeah,” the man says. “Anyway thank you Dr. Min”

“The tests will be out tomorrow”

“Okay,” Jung Hoseok says as he walks out of the patient room.

Yoongi too leaves the patient room and then goes to the lab room to leave the samples with them for the testing.

After a days’ work, he is out of the hospital by 6:30 pm and he drives by the grocery store first to grab some beer and other things that he has run out off.

Yoongi is walking through the aisles when he bumps into the last person he expects to.

It’s Jihyo and she looks different. Her once long black hair only reaches her shoulder as she is wearing a white top and floral skirt and she looks nothing like the Jihyo that Yoongi always knew. But she is still just as beautiful.

They stare at each other and Yoongi knows she must think that he doesn’t look like he used to and that she must be judging him because she knows that he still hasn’t moved on.

Jihyo is the one who breaks the silence.

“Yoongi,” she says.

“Jihyo,”

She looks at him and then her face breaks into a half smile as Yoongi sees her hand holding a man’s arm who is standing right beside her and that is when Yoongi notices that she is with her new boyfriend.

“Sungjae, this is my ex-husband Yoongi,” she says.

Yoongi looks at Sungjae and he feels that they are polar opposites. Sungjae is tall and has tan skin contrasting to Yoongi’s pale one. He is ripped and looks like he is a model of some sort.

“Hi,” Yoongi says and he is being civil because Sungjae isn’t the guy he had caught Jihyo with.

“Hey,” Sungjae and he sort of smiles at Yoongi.

“Picking up some groceries?” Jihyo asks as she eyes his trolley which is mostly filled with beer right now.

“Uh…oh yeah,” Yoongi says scratching his head.

Jihyo just nods.

“So…how are you?” Yoongi asks and he doesn’t know why he asks her that because he knows she is doing great and she seems so happy.

“I’m doing good,” she says. “You?”

“Fine,” Yoongi says and he knows how obvious it that Yoongi is anything but fine.

“How’s Seokjin doing?” she asks making some attempt into the conversation.

“He is good and so are Namjoon and the kids,”

“Uh okay,” she says and they are left in some awkward silence.

“Jihyo, I think we are getting a bit late now,” her boyfriend says.

“Um yeah,” she whispers. “See you Yoongi”

Yoongi just nods and they walk by and he gets a whiff of Jihyo’s perfume as she walks by and it’s the same one that she always wore and Yoongi is somehow glad that at least something about her didn’t change.

He is mostly done with his shopping and after that little encounter with Jihyo he doesn’t want to stay in the store anymore and heads straight to the counter while the employee scans her items wordlessly before packing them up and smiles at him but it’s hardly even a smile Yoongi thinks as she immediately starts scanning the items of the next customer in line. Yoongi feels sorry but he walks off with his two bags of groceries and then puts them in the backseat before driving home.

Today he makes himself fried rice while he dances to the tune of a song and Yoongi feels like some days are definitely better than the others. Some not so much.

He eats his dinner while watching T.V. It’s a reality show and Yoongi never thought he would be the one to like those shows but he loves them and they are like a secret guilty pleasure.

Seokjin calls yet again and pretends like its only because he is bored because Namjoon and the kids are out for their stroll after dinner but Yoongi knows it's because his best friend wants to check up if everything is all right with him. Yoongi feels lucky to have Seokjin worry so much about him but he wishes he could tell Seokjin that even though he is sad he won’t do something stupid to hurt himself.

“Today Tae told me has a crush on a girl in his class?” Seokjin says. “Do you believe that?”

“Tae has a crush?” Yoongi asks mildly surprised.

“Yes, he says that everyone likes her and that he has no chance with her but she seems to always Taehyung for pencils and so he thinks that he might have a chance”

Yoongi laughs.

He hears Seokjin sigh.

“They grow up so fast, don’t they?”

“Yeah, they do,” Yoongi says.

He hears a loud screech from the other line and hears Seokjin sighing even more.

“Guess the brats are back,” Seokjin says. “There goes my moment of peace”

Yoongi laughs again.

“I guess I’ll talk to you later then,” Yoongi sighs.

“Yeah, bye, good night,”

“’Night,” Yoongi says hanging up.

Yoongi keeps the phone back on the table. He almost told Seokjin he bumped into Jihyo today but he decided against it because he didn’t need Seokjin psychoanalyzing everything he had said and what Jihyo had said back and then it would end with Seokjin calling her a bitch.

It happened every time.

Yoongi stands up yawning as he picks up the plates and dumps them into the sink before washing them. He loathed doing the dishes most out of all the chores.

Once done he left them to dry and switched off the TV before going to sleep and hopes the next day will be better.

But it doesn’t. The rest of the week passes by just like that except a young mumbling nurse makes his way to him and talks to him and then not so subtly asks him if he was free for the dinner on the weekend and Yoongi declines her offer politely which may seem weird because she is pretty and nice and everything guys look for in their girls but not Yoongi. Yoongi would rather wallow in sadness than make effort to get with any other girl. He was done with all that.

“You’re an idiot you know,” Seokjin said to him the next day they met during Yoongi’s lunch at a local café near the hospital.

Yoongi finished the last sip of his malt milkshake.

“As if I didn’t hear that from you already,”

“I will continue to call that because you are one,”

“Hyung,” Yoongi said wiping his face with a tissue. “I genuinely don’t wanna have a relationship”

“Who said you have to marry the first girl you go on a date with?” Seokjin argues. “The least you could do is go out on a date every now and then”

“No,” Yoongi said in a tone which meant that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore so Seokjin just dropped it.

Today is Saturday and Yoongi is glad that the week is finally ending,. Weekends for Yoongi don’t mean anything special except for Seokjin’s great cooking and that he finally gets to sleep till noon.

He checks his schedule and he as an appointment with Jung Hoseok. Yoongi remembers the guy vaguely and he remembers that he has to pick up his results from the lab which he does and heads to his office so that he knows what he has to tell the guy.

Yoongi sits down and then reads through the results before he sighs a little. So, today is gonna be one of those days.

He keeps the envelope back in the drawer and then tries to get back to his work but in the back of his mind he keeps thinking about Jung Hoseok and how he would react to the news and he feels the familiar sense of sorrow by the fact that guy looked very young and he can’t begin to imagine how would he react.

Yoongi keeps looking at the clock until it’s finally 3 pm but there is no sign of him and maybe he is always late Yoongi thinks. Jung Hoseok finally shows up at 3:30 pm and he is dressed in a black tank top and white shorts and this is not the kind of attire he usually sees in people coming to the hospital.

“Hi uh I am very sorry Dr. Min,” he manages to pant out.

“It’s fine,” Yoongi says. “Sit down”

Jung Hoseok nods and sits keeping down his backpack and then he stares at Yoongi so Yoongi takes out the results and then slides them over to him silently. The man takes them and takes out the actual results and reads them before looking over at Yoongi.

“I don’t get it…,”

“You have cancer,” Yoongi says all in one go. There he said it.

He doesn’t really hear any voice from Jung Hoseok and he expects him to cry but nothing until he repeats what Yoongi just said in a calm cool voice.

“I have cancer,” he says and Yoongi doesn’t know if he is saying out loud or asking him a question but Yoongi nods.

“Leukemia,” Yoongi says. “It’s a cancer of blood”

“I know,”

“There is an abnormality of a lack of blood cells that we noticed,”

“Oh,” he says and his voice sounds emotionless.

“Acute myelogenous leukemia (AML),” Yoongi says and by now Jung Hoseok isn’t even listening as he stares off out of the window and then Yoongi quiets down even though he has much more things to explain he gives the other man some time to process what has just happened.

He doesn’t know Jung Hoseok and maybe he has a wedding next week and all of this has suddenly come crashing down.

Yoongi instead just looks at the hourglass on his table that is slowly trickling sand and he doesn’t know how much time has passed until he finally sees the other man moving as he sits up straighter in his chair and then looks at Yoongi.

“Dr.,” he says.”Will I die?”

Yoongi won’t sugarcoat it, that is just not him.

“There is a chance you might,”

“Oh okay,” the man says and he sounds so calm that Yoongi expects a breakdown but it doesn’t happen. He talks as if they are discussing fever and not cancer”

“But there are treatments,” Yoongi says. “Chemotherapy, radiation”

“All right,”

“Are you ready to discuss your options?”

“Dr…I not right now I have got to get back to something,” he says. “Can I come back tomorrow?”

“Of course you can,”

“Uh well I think I should get going then,” he says as he stands up and almost falls over but then grips the table as soon as Yoongi gets up to help him.

“It’s fine doctor,” he says and he smiles. “I am fine”

Yoongi doesn’t say anything as the man wears his backpack and then smooths out his hair.

“Thank you Dr.,” he says and then he leaves bowing before Yoongi hears the light slam of the door and the man is gone just like that. Yoongi sits back and then thinks that this weirdest encounter he has ever had with any of his patients.

There is always some sort of reaction.

Hysterical crying to quite sobs, anger and then the shock but Jung Hoseok showed none of these instead he walked off with a small smile on his face and even though Yoongi tries not to think about it for the rest of the day his face is all that plagues Yoongi’s mind even at Seokjin’s house as he mindlessly chews through the sticky rice that Seokjin made.

“You okay hyung?” Namjoon asks and Yoongi just nods not saying anything.

The kids talk to Yoongi and he hears a lot about Tae’s new crush. Her name is Sooyoung and she has a very pretty smile and that even though she chews on the end of Taehyung’s pencils he doesn’t mind at all and Yoongi just smiles feeling guilty that he is only half listening.

He decides to leave when the kids all fall asleep and Seokjin packs him his favorite peanut butter chocolate chip cookies (vegan because Seokjin doesn’t want the extra calories) in a large Tupperware container and then hugs him and the mumbles a love you in his ear.

Yoongi says love you back and then drives to his home where he firstly devours three of the cookies and then as he lies down to sleep he still has the man named Jung Hoseok on his mind and it is strange because he has never found a patient as intriguing.

[ph375pills-blog]

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[jess-oh]

Reflection Part 2

I think I just need to really come before the Lord and confess my sins and accept myself as I am. Because I really do feel so much shame and guilt for the things that I struggle with and I am so afraid to be vulnerable and open about it. I just had such a difficult battle on whether or not I should go to Andrew’s party and start down this road and no one will ever know. Because I was too afraid to seek advice from anyone else. I do want to pray more. I do want to just learn and be with the Lord. And maybe that means I shouldn’t be serving. And I am new to evangelizing but I know that I’m making progress and I do have a heart for His people. I know that God put me through so much hardship throughout my life and it’s for a reason. It’s so that I can build disciples because I understand. I know what it feels like to be an outsider. I know what it feels like to never feel good enough. I know what it feels like to struggle with alcohol. I know what it feels like to struggle against peer pressure. I know what it feels like to be abandoned. I know what it feels like to be a burden. But I’m here. And God has already used me in such amazing ways in keeping a clear head and providing my friends with advice and having a genuine heart that cares for them—regardless if we just met. I did it. And it was beneficial to everyone. And I miss that. And I do pray that God will use me like that again. I know that I’m struggling a lot right now and it feels like an uphill battle. But I just want to forget about servantship for a second. While it is something that I want to do, I don’t think I’m ready. Because I would become obsessed with leading and making sure their image of me doesn’t falter. And in that, I wouldn’t be able to be open about the things that I’ve been fighting against. I have some seriously self destructive habits and it’s because I don’t like who I am. And I try really hard to become someone thats worthy of being loved and accepted. But I’m already there. I am already someone that’s deserving of that because God gives it to me. I’m so afraid to talk about these things with even Andrew N. because I’m afraid that I’m relying too much on him and I’m just being a burden. I got really excited after we had that moment my last night in California and I just felt like such a bother. And I know I’m not bothering him and he’s my friend and wants to be there for me. So why am I still so cared? To reach out? To ask for help? To allow people the opportunity to help me? I’m honestly dying on my own and it is so unbelievably hard to bear the weight of my own sin and shame. And I need God to take over because I really can’t do it without Him. 

Before I came back to Chicago, I had a vision. A vision where I was like Christ. People were whipping me but I continued to carry the cross on my campus. I kept walking. I kept moving forward. And ultimately, I too, died on the cross. But I wasn’t mad or sad. Yes, I was in so much pain. But I did it because I believed in God and who He is. And because of that, I felt a sense of peace. Knowing that I was finally coming home. And that’s the kind of person that I want to become and be. Yes, I might lose Sara and Andrew S. and maybe Andrew N. and Sofia and David too. And I pray that I don’t but I might. There’s a very good possibility. But I don’t want that to be the thing that’s keeping me from dedicating my life to Christ. I want to reach out to Him and just really live everyday, more and more Christlike. Of course I don’t want to lose them because they’ve helped me through some seriously tough times. But if it’s not meant for us to be friends, then I guess that’s that. I would rather die trying to live for Christ than to continue pretending that everything is okay when it really isn’t. 

It’s so easy for me to just make the effort and go to sleep at a decent hour and maintain a healthy diet and exercise and still do my best. But I don’t. Because I hate myself. I’m so overwhelmed by so much guilt and shame that I just keep digging my own grave, deeper and deeper. And a part of me always hopes that I will die. And I won’t be in such misery anymore. I’m always lowkey suicidal. I tried to deny my depression for so long but I am depressed. I get hit by it out of the blue sometimes and it sucks and I’m just so tired of feeling so bad about myself or not finding any joy or pleasure or pain in anything. It makes me feel like I’m not really alive. Like I’m already dead but still stuck on this Earth. And it really really sucks and I do want to get better and learn to just take that leap and trust God with all that I am and allow Him to take over. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zr8gHQz2FTQ&index=10&list=RDU05QRXuhF7g

But what happened today?

I woke up pretty groggily this morning, planning to workout with Mulan. I slept in a few extra minutes and that helped cure my weariness. Then, we just hit the treadmills for a bit. She did a fast walk for about an hour while I jogged/ran for half an hour. And it was hard. But it was so worth it in the end. And I felt so good about myself for getting there. I know I can push myself to do better, to do more. And I’m excited to see how much more I can physically push myself and continue to build strength and get into shape. 

sigh. my thoughts keep wandering and it’s really becoming a lot clearer how much i refuse help from others. i just imagined a scenario with andrew n. where i snap and tell him how everytime i look at a mirror, i feel disgust. and it’s something that i know i need to work on—body positivity woohoo. But i’m not there yet and this fact is just highlighted whenever I’m standing next to particularly small people. And I don’t want to hear any encouragement or compliments or anything but it won’t change anything. it won’t change the fact that this is how i feel and grew up feeling so im just trying to work towards a body that i actually do like by working out. i spent my whole life thinking i was obsese bc my mom and sister were so skinny and my dad joined in on the criticism. i never felt great about my body and i tried fasting and i tried running but my weight almost never fluctuated and i didnt know what else to do so i gave up and turned to binge eating but that just made it worse and now i’m here and i’m trying again. And we’ll see if I get better or fall even deeper than I did before.

But anyway, after that, I relaxed by watching a few clips from “Friends.” 

I should spend more time learning and taking in new information instead of always being so desperate to share my own input and experience. i need to just chill out and take things as they come. 

But yeah, I watched “Friends.” Then I walked to 618 S. Michigan for my appointment with Jo-Nell. I got there around 11:07 and we started about half an hour later. I was actually afraid 

I’m not okay. I thought I was. I really did. But I wasn’t. And I haven’t been. I’ve been lying to myself this whole time, believing that I was getting better and my self esteem had risen but it hasn’t. Andrew’s question just unleashed this whole platoon of everything that’s wrong. I am in so much pain that it’s unbearable and makes me feel numb because there’s just so much hurt there. But I feel like I can’t share it with anyone either because I just feel so ashamed and so much guilt for who I am and what I’ve gone and I hate myself for it. I really really dislike who I am. And I know I shouldn’t and just accept myself as I am because God loves me like that but I can’t. I really can’t. I’m just filled with so much fear and I’ve fallen so far away and as much as I want to cry out to the Lord and let Him just be my everything and take over, I can’t. Because I am too afraid that something will go wrong and I’ll just end up getting hurt. Again. 

But yeah, I was afraid. I was afraid because I saw some other students sit closer to the offices while I sat in the main lobby and thought I was wrong and Jo-Nell would be disappointed that I was a no show again just because I sat in the wrong place. But it didn’t happen like that. Everything went fine. I finally met her and she gave me a ton of information on internships, portfolios, and resumes. I’ll be back late March/early April for a follow-up and hopefully, I’ll have fixed my portfolio and worked on a lot more since then. And hopefully it’ll be worthy of starting to look for internships. I also want to ask some more questions on what I should include on my resume since I haven’t had any internships yet and thus, not much experience. But that’s a question for another day.

After that, I watched some more episodes from “Friends” and “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” before eventually falling asleep.

Oh yeah, I also got Harold’s for lunch after my meeting with Jo-Nell.

But I woke up kinda stressed bc I was late for my study date with Sharlene but it was okay and we got to talk and read the Bible together again anyway. And it was really nice and I’m really glad that we got to spend that time together. I debated on hanging out with her again at night and just watch a movie together but I decided that we had already seen enough of each other that day. I didn’t want to overwhelm her.

But yeah, that’s where I’m at right now.

I hope I can get better.

[ouraidengray4]

12 Super-Achievable Ways to Unplug More This Year

We use our phones for absolutely everything. Need to eat? Seamless or Grubhub is just minutes away. Need to send your exact location to a friend? Drop a pin. Need a date? Hop onto Bumble and swipe until you line one up. While 24/7 access to these technologies has greatly improved our quality of life in many ways, our mental health and social skills have also taken a hit, at least according to The TAF Preventive Medicine Bulletin.

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Of course, there are also plenty of emotional benefits to our smartphones: Many folks live far away from family and old friends, and contemporary technology plays a vital role in keeping those relationships intact. But where do we draw the line?

When reflecting on this past year, I realized that I had gotten sucked into my online world with the good intention of keeping in touch with my loved ones, but that being connected 24/7 had cost me some mental health—and a lot of time. So I’ve resolved to make some major changes this year to help me disconnect, which will also help me focus on myself and my goals, and upkeep those relationships in a more healthy way. Here are 12 ways that you can do this too:

1. Join an accountability group (kind of!).

Sometimes because I work so much, I don’t get to see my friends very often. Weeks or months of "we need to catch up" texts will go by until finally, we find an hour when we’re both free (and exhausted) after work. At this point, the hangout, which is almost always grabbing a drink at the bar, can feel more like a chore than anything else.

But there are ways to combat this struggle—and the constant scheduling ping-pong that precedes it. Seek out friends who also want to unplug and take turns planning outings and evenings where you can leave your cellphones at the door and enjoy each other’s company instead. You can theme it up too: Get into a murder mystery game, host a wine tasting, do some karaoke...

2. Plan work lunch dates.

Usually, when I eat lunch at work, I end up blindly surfing the web. I feel like I desperately need to pause from the day’s tasks, but I don’t actually leave my desk, so I mindlessly browse Facebook or Pinterest... but I don’t ever take an actual break. And I’ve noticed that since I’ve fallen into this pattern, I don’t really have a lot of friends at work or know much about my co-workers.

This year, I’ve started asking my co-workers to eat lunch with me. I’m learning more about my colleagues, which is fun, and also helps out when navigating how to alleviate tension at work and understanding how my colleagues work best. It’s also great for avoiding that end-of-day technology hangover.

3. Give yourself a home project.

This year, I decided that instead of sitting on my couch looking through Instagram on the weekends, I’d give myself small projects in my home, starting with a super-easy DIY chalkboard wall, working up to redecorating my bathroom.

Pinterest can be overwhelming—especially considering how many Pinterest endeavors, once you actually try them, end up being epic fails—but there are a few good ones in the pile. One of my favorite projects that actually panned out was this pallet coffee mug organizer, only with one alteration: I used "S" hooks that you can buy at your local hardware store instead so that I can switch out what I hang there. Sometimes I use it for my mugs, other times to hang herbs. Another successful project: DIYing old glass jars into decorative containers to store bathroom items like Q-tips and bobby pins.

4. Get a workout buddy.

You may have a fitness goal this year, but if you’re anything like me, you’ll spend half your time at the gym adjusting your playlist and snapping photos on your Instagram Story. Look! I worked out! Here’s proof! You end up leaving the gym two hours later with only about 45 minutes of actual working out accomplished.

Next time you work out, bring a buddy and leave your phone in your locker instead. You can’t get lost in your own world if you’re busy catching up in between sets, plus your friend can push you to achieve your fitness goals and vice-versa.

5. Schedule phone calls and Facetime.

I often find myself overwhelmed by a deluge of text threads from out-of-town family and friends. Keeping up with those relationships is very important to me, but sometimes I feel like I’m taking hours at a time to catch up via text. Worse yet, I usually feel like we never even truly connect and instead just gush about how much we miss one another.

This year’s solution: scheduling phone calls and Facetimes with my loved ones so I can give them my undivided attention. Sure, yes, I’m still on my phone, which isn’t exactly disconnecting, but a one-hour, high-quality Facetime or phone call allows me to catch up with my loved ones way more than hours of distracted text messaging can. What’s gained? Time and real connections. Plus, we can plan for when we’re going to talk, so it’s convenient for both of us—and we have far more real news to catch up on by the time we can speak on the phone.

6. Make a reading list.

As a kid, I loved reading, and as an adolescent, books helped me escape. But as an adult, I’ve fallen completely flat. The excuses are endless, but primarily center around the same concern: I feel like I don’t have the time. This year, I decided to make a reading list so that I couldn’t make any more excuses.

Now every time someone recommends a book, I write it down in my planner with a note on the genre or subject matter so I have a running list to choose from. Instead of surfing the web, I make sure I use that critical 30 minutes before bedtime to read. According to The National Sleep Foundation, unplugging before bedtime improves the quality of your sleep. Combine that with the positive effects of reading, including increased connectivity in the brain, and you’re out of excuses to avoid doing something you already love.

7. Pass The '90s Test.

Being a child of the new millennium, I have no idea how to date without social media and cell phones—we’ve grown up learning to take our social cues and flirtations from Instagram, Snapchat, and text messages. I was thinking recently about what my relationships would be like if they weren’t so rooted in online communication and realized that most of them would be effectively nonexistent. So I realized I needed to stop developing more 2D relationships and focus instead on seeing potential romances in person.

So I came up with what I call "The '90s Test." I’ll only use my phone to set up a date with a person (like you would when you called someone’s landline back in the day). I make sure to leave on time so I don’t have the crutch of texting updates when I’m late, and I bring a book to read while I wait if they’re late. I’ve found that this also sets the standard of not using phones on the date, so that it’s uninterrupted and genuine. This way, if it’s a good date, you’ll know quickly that you have a real connection—and if it’s not going anywhere, you won’t have to wonder. You’ll figure it out fast instead of hiding behind your phone.

8. Invest in a camera.

The beauty of the modern age is that we don’t need 800 different devices to do everything we want; your iPhone can do practically everything. But how many times have you been on vacation or at an event where you promised yourself that you’d only bring your phone for pictures, but end up posting all over (and subsequently scrolling through) Instagram, or pretending to be occupied with something on your phone in order to avoid mingling or diffuse an awkward situation? I’ve done that so many times, and I walk away from the experience feeling like I kind of missed it all. This has led me to buy a simple camera. It makes me stay in the moment, and later, if I really want to upload any to Instagram when I’m bored at home, I always can.

9. Pioneer nights.

Growing up in Florida, this is how my parents used to make losing power during a hurricane fun. My parents would challenge my brother and me to avoid using anything electric all night. We’d eat by candlelight, talk instead of watching TV, and go to bed when we were actually tired.

Try this at home alone or throw an adult sleepover with friends: Break out your favorite candles, no-cook snacks (cheese, wine, and a box of frozen cupcakes should do the trick), and board games, and spend the night sans electronics. Go to bed early, and you’ll feel like a million bucks the next day.

10. Get a pen pal.

A while ago, my friend Lauren and I decided to become pen pals. You might assume that going old-school this way would make keeping up our friendship harder, but while we speak less than we might otherwise, the quality of the communication is much higher. I feel like so much online communication is one-sided, but as pen pals, we’re forced to ask questions about each other’s lives.

When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, who is a mutual friend, I sent Lauren a letter about it. About a week later, I received a letter from her expressing her condolences and agreeing that he was a jerk, and a week after that, I sent her a letter back, updating her on how I was doing. By the time she’d sent the next letter, I was already healing and there wasn’t any room for petty he-said/she-said talk. It felt like a really natural way to process the breakup and receive support from a friend. Now we send each other goodies like homemade jewelry in the mail too, and she’s one less friend I have to worry about texting—we’ve got our own thing going.

11. Take a class.

I’m the biggest culprit of complaining I have no time for anything, but then spending hours on my phone, doing a whole lot of nothing. I’d always like to go to that yoga, painting, or acting class, but then my day flashes before my eyes. This year, though, I plan to go to a class once a week.

I know it’s not possible for everybody, but if you can, consider trying to build an extra $30-60 per week into your budget. Learning new things is an amazing act of self-care. And when you actively engage in learning as an adult, not only will you feel an incomparable sense of accomplishment you can’t get at work, but you’ll also just become a more interesting human.

12. Jump into your side hustle.

Probably the only thing more popular than the puppy filter on Snapchat right now is having a side hustle. So many of us are coming into our own as creators and want to be in charge of our own source of income. Whether that means making personalized t-shirts or starting your own production company, consider starting to take baby steps toward your entrepreneurial dreams instead of endlessly checking Facebook. When you’re doing something for yourself that you’re passionate about, the benefits are endless.

Anie Delgado is a freelance writer, actress, and musician based in NYC. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @anie_delgado and check out her music on Spotify. from Greatist RSS http://ift.tt/2EmanGT 12 Super-Achievable Ways to Unplug More This Year Greatist RSS from HEALTH BUZZ http://ift.tt/2mbt1L9