#depression........ i'm so emotional rn this is insane

[thefabelmans2022]

i hate history why am i crying doing my readings. AGAIN.

[so-long-soldier-writes]

Don't Worry Today, Face It Tomorrow

kai parker x reader

summary: kai's been lonely enough in his life to sense something's off with you. tonight was a good time to trust his intuition.

tags: mental health issues, depression, loneliness, late night conversations, suicidal thoughts, emotional hurt / comfort

word count: 2.6k

a/n: this is a fic i kind of wrote for myself but still want to share. i somewhat vaguely made the reader's problems my problems, because i needed to talk them out, but struggle to do that with people, so i do it through my writing. i wrote this a little while ago but have been hesitant to post it bc i didn't want to worry my readers by posting so many sui/sh related fics, but as explained in the ending note of this fic on ao3, i'm entering a new stage in my life where i hope i can start writing gentler & more lighthearted & fun fics again. i've been in a dark place these last couple months and have completely lost myself as a person, but i'm actively trying to make my life one where i'm not afraid to be present. i saw a quote recently that said, "...if hope is out of reach, try curiosity instead," and so that's about where i am rn. but anyway, i hope, despite it's heaviness, you guys like this, or maybe, it helps you feel less alone. <3

“Thought I’d find you here.”

You roll your eyes at the familiar voice. Of course he’d come to disturb your peace. 

“What do you want?”

He doesn’t answer immediately. The sound of shuffling indicates he’s coming closer. “Just checking on you.”

“I don’t need checking on. I didn’t the last time, nor the time before that, and certainly not this time. Can’t you catch the hint that I want to be left alone?”

“See that’s the thing… the hints are all there, I’m just choosing not to leave you alone.”

Fully irritated now, you shift your whole body to face Kai. Annoyingly, he leans against the restaurant’s chimney, unbothered by the heat that must be emanating from it. His arms are crossed over his chest, but his usual smirk is replaced with a somber look.

“Why?”

“Because…” He isn’t looking at you. In fact, he seems to look right through you, perhaps into some far off world or a deep void that threatens to swallow you whole. “...You look like someone who shouldn’t be alone right now.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’ve climbed up here five times in the last two weeks. You’ve been acting distant. You don’t eat, I doubt you sleep. Everyone’s worried about you, and they have every right to be.”

“I’m fine,” you lie. “Maybe I just like it up here. I can see the whole town. I’m in it, without being in it. It’s peaceful.”

If that was supposed to comfort the young witch, it didn’t. He tilts his head against the brick. “And what about the rest? Are they right to worry about you? Are these new habits you’ve seem to have adopted secretly a cry for help?”

You narrow your eyes. “Of course not, that’s insane. I told you, I’m fine.” Before he can ask anything else, you continue. “And what’s it to you? Why do you care? If they’re so worried, why don’t they come and bother me instead?”

“Because they haven’t followed you to the extent I’ve followed you.”

“Comforting.”

“They see you at lunch, not talking, not eating, not laughing. And then they see you go home, usually early, and not come out for days. They acknowledge the fact you haven’t answered their texts in days, and they know you’re not feeling well, but they’ve barely scratched the surface.” He pauses. “I’ve been studying you. I see the dullness in your eyes, and I can tell apart a real laugh from a fake one. I’ve begun to notice that right before you’re about to make up an excuse to go home, you tap your nails on the edge of the table. You scan the restaurant, making sure the coast is clear, so that you can make a sure shot to the door without being interrupted.” You open your mouth to speak, disturbed by the detail, but Kai interrupts. “I’m a sociopath. I notice things in a person’s behavior that are missed by most.”

“And why do you think all these ‘things’ are reasons to have you so worried? Maybe I’m just tired of socializing.”

“Maybe. But I’ve been alone for a long time and I know how it feels. How it feels to be hopeless, and anxious, and exhausted, in a way that goes beyond needing a couple more hours of sleep. I might not’ve been under the same circumstances, but I remember searching for the nearest, tallest building several times when I was locked in that prison world. Let me tell you, the view is nice, but when you finally get the courage to walk up to the edge, the fall is not.”

Your eyes had dropped back down the roof’s floor, but they snap back up to him quickly. His words make your heart race with sudden anxiety. When you try to open your mouth to respond, nothing comes out. It takes a moment to recover. 

“How many times did you try?” Invasive, but he’s sharing, so you ask anyway. 

“Truth be told,” he surprisingly answers, “I lost count.” He inches closer to you, but you don’t move away. “I couldn’t die in there, but that never stopped me from trying.”

“Until Damon and Bonnie got there.” 

“Yes, but I was alone for eighteen years until they did.” He sits beside you now. “Maybe you can see why I was so determined to get out.”

“I could see it before,” you admit. 

You know most of Kai’s background. You know he had a big family, most of which are dead now. You know he has been in and out of prison worlds for most of his young life. You know his time spent in those other worlds was deserved; he wasn’t just a sociopath, but a serial killer, as well. Only recently did he finally stop hurting people, afraid of ending up in another one. It was a deal he made with the brothers and Bonnie.

Kai is less afraid of death than being alone. Hell would be a cakewalk compared to the prison worlds. 

“My father ensured I couldn’t die so that I wouldn’t be able to take the easy way out. And then again, in 1903, the heretics could only dessicate; they couldn’t die, either. Guess my ancestors have some deep-rooted fascination with eternal suffering. The twin merge is a curse. You either die or kill your sibling before you’re old enough to rent a car. Then, if you live, you have to marry and watch your kids do the same. And if you die before you have merge-able kids, whoops, the death of the coven is on you. Like, imagine you get hit by a car and die, and so does the whole three hundred year old coven. That’s embarrassing. Imagine explaining that to the ancestors in hell.”

You snort and let out a laugh. 

“Obviously, I don’t care about my coven, and I only wanted to be the leader so I could prove that I could, but it does suck that we’re all nonconsensually born into this life and can’t get out of it. It would be easier if we didn’t hate each other so much, and that instead of life being one big game of dog-eat-dog, we could come together and be like, ‘Hey! This sucks! Can we try to figure out which ancestral bitch cursed us and maybe reverse that? We’re supposed to be witches, right?’”

You laugh more now. A genuine laugh, amused by Kai Parker’s unusual bareness and honesty. Never had you had such a sincere conversation with him. Frankly, you didn’t know he was capable of opening up as much as he is now. It’s nice. It’s the most meaningful conversation you’ve had recently, and if you’re honest with yourself, it’s healing. 

Not only do you know Kai’s background, you know his loneliness. Of course, you’ve never been in his shoes exactly, but you know what it’s like to feel helpless. Sometimes your parents teach you about pain before anyone else has the chance. Sometimes your friends break your heart the hardest. Sometimes it feels like there’s a target on your back and everyone’s carrying arrows. 

You don’t need to experience the same trauma to relate to someone, you just need a little bit of courage to speak up about it. The right people will listen. Those who understand. 

“I said before that I understand why you were willing to hurt Bonnie and Damon to get out,” you say. “I stand by that still.”

“You do?”

“I met your father once. I was friends with Liv before she skipped town, and he came to her dorm when I was there. He was cold.” You pause, rubbing your arms as a chill runs through your body. Whether it’s the cool night breeze or the memory, you’re not sure. “He smiled, and he made a joke, but his posture was rigid and his eyes were dark. It was like looking into the face of a snake that could strike at any moment. I was afraid to look away, yet afraid to look right at him.”

“He was never a warm person. He loved his wife, and did love my siblings, I think, but coven always came before family. He would betray even those closest to him in a second if asked. I was always told it was complicated for him, but it’s pretty simple. He never hesitated. It was obvious. There was no right vs wrong war in his mind. Guess it makes him a good leader, though. Maybe.”

“Not a good leader,” you argue, “but a dedicated one.” Kai seems to ponder that. “My family’s the opposite: they are complicated. They say one thing, but expect the other. Everything is a guessing game. You’re never quite sure what they want from you, and nothing’s ever good enough. Life feels like a competition: you have to do the most, study the hardest. There’s a thousand boxes to check by the age of twenty-three, and if you don’t complete them, you’re never going to catch up, never going to make them proud.” You’ve ranted a little, spoken somewhat quickly, but Kai follows along with great understanding. “I have a relatively big family, too, and they’re all over the country checking boxes. I live in a small town, with goals only big enough that I won’t feel like a failure if I don’t achieve, and spend every day just trying to stay alive. I’m the biggest disappointment to them and it’s so obvious.”

“Looks like we’re both family disappointments. Do they know about the supernatural?”

“Oh, god no. Their heads would explode.”

Kai laughs. He sees you shiver again and silently unzips his sweater. You startle a bit when he puts it around your shoulders, but then welcome the warmth it brings. It smells like him, so you pull it closer, finding that as a new comfort. 

“Thank you.”

“It’s technically Alaric’s-”

You start to pull it off, “ew-”

He stops you with a hand to your back. “But I’ve had it for months.”

“How’d you-?”

“After Damon woke me up when they put me on ice. I’d siphon the magic from Caroline’s mom on two conditions: one, he’d let me merge that night, and two, I could borrow a sweater.”

You chuckle, then let it envelope you again. Kai’s hand leaves your back, taking some, but not all, of the new warmth with him. He stretches out, leaning back on his elbows, and watches you copy the position. Your knees touch gently, though neither of you move. He studies you again, eyeing your face for tension, but finds your lips slightly parted in a relaxed state. You aren’t afraid of him; you aren’t trying to get away. 

The only person who isn’t taut as a band around him is Damon, because the vampire’s confidence and strength matches that of the young witch. But here, you’re only human, full of emotion and exhaustion, and alone on a rooftop with none other than the self-proclaimed sociopath himself. If your friends knew, they’d surely be freaking out, and maybe an hour ago, the thought would panic you, too. But now, at this moment in time, you’re completely calm. You’re trusting him. 

“So what’s the verdict?” He says out of nowhere, speaking up in the dead of night. The restaurant crowd left some time ago, and the roundabout hasn’t been driven through for less. In the far-off distance, you can hear a dog, but it stops after a few barks. 

“What?”

“How are we getting off this roof tonight?” You look over to him with an eyebrow raised. “Are we jumping, or are you gonna climb off with me?”

You ponder the question. Truthfully, you didn’t climb up today with the full intention of climbing back down. If Kai hadn’t followed you up, you, as he put it earlier, may have made it to the edge. 

But now, with both of your hearts and histories spilled out in front of you, things are different. Things are harder, because he’s involved. Yet, at the same time, things feel easier. He’s involved. He listened, and he shared his own story. You found common ground and it brought you closer than you’d ever imagined you could be with him. Hell, lately, with anyone. Somewhere, deep in your heart, you feel a bit of hope. 

“I’ll be honest,” he starts, “even though I’m out of the prison world, finally leading this dumb coven, and somewhat surviving in this town, I’ve considered it. I thought getting out would be a fix-all, and once I was, I would be okay, but I never imagined that life outside of it could be as lonely as my life was there. My coven still controls me and my family still hates me, and I wanted to get out and prove myself, and live, but now, sometimes,” he struggles for the right words, “I can’t find it in myself to care anymore.” He looks over to you to find you nodding, understanding. “I could die a hundred times over in the prison world with little consequence, but here, death is permanent.”

You offer a smile and a second of silence before agreeing. “Sometimes its permanence is a comfort, but sometimes a hindrance. It's permanent, I’ll never have to carry this weight again. I’ll never be a burden, or a failure, or a disappointment. But at the same time… what if I regret it? What if I’m halfway through the fall, or lying in a hospital bed, and there’s no saving me, but suddenly, I regret it? Or what if we’re conscious in the afterlife, and I miss the body and soul I once had, but gave up before my time was up? It haunts me. I have decision paralysis over dying. I wish I could make up my mind.”

Kai’s never cared much for other people, but in this moment, he knows if you got any closer to the edge, he’d hurl himself forward to pull you back. He sensed something was off about you earlier. You’d been climbing up here for weeks, but this time felt different. Necessary. 

“How about this? Climb down with me and we don’t have to make any decisions. Okay?”

“So the decision is to make no decisions?”

“Exactly.” He sits back up, outstretching a hand for you to take. “Let’s go get a coffee or something, and we can worry about it later. And, maybe, tomorrow won’t be so bad, and we can put off that decision making a little bit longer.” Kai manipulates slightly. He knows there is no decision to be made - it’s not a yes or no - but an ultimate decision on when you will take that step closer to the edge. So, if he can distract you day by day, and put off that ultimate decision, he could, with time, pull you from the edge, and eventually, off the roof. 

And that is a decision he is willing to make. He’s never cared much for other people, but something about you softens him. His life hasn’t been a fulfilling one. He hasn’t accomplished much, and he’s done little that makes him proud of himself, but you make him want to change. Be better, do more. Even if he only does one good thing, he wants to do it. He wants to save you. 

“Okay,” you finally agree, taking his hand. “Coffee sounds nice.”

For the first time of possibly many, he helps guide you back down the stairs, onto the safety of the pavement ground. You keep a hold of his hand all the way to the twenty-four hour diner two blocks down, and the whole time, he can’t stop smiling. 

[zhuoyichenpretty]

ep 24 commentary (brain fried edition)

my head is a little empty after ep 24 tbh!! brain is not braining after all the zyc hurt no comfort (-:

some scattered thoughts here and there, painstakingly corralled like cats out of my vacuous brain and into a list (spoilers):

ZYZ is really emo this episode poor dude like he is having a hard time keeping it together it seems. Every other word out of his mouth is depressing as shit, which is saying a lot considering how depressing he usually is already (': I kind of wanted this episode to pick his brain more, give him room to emote in the aftermath of all that. But it almost feels like the character refuses to be alone, like he might spiral if he has too much time to get in his own head. I'm still so curious to know, though, what he thinks about the state of their promise in light of how far ZYC went trying to save him. “He has us,” ZYZ said to WX. When the time comes, I wonder how he'll reconcile that with what he’s asked of ZYC.

PSJ and Ying Lei bonding! shenanigans! I did laugh thank you guys. Also, not that the team didn't operate separately before, but I really get a sense of how much ZYC held things together with how apparent his absence is. It's obvs heartwarming seeing how hard everyone is working to save him (PSJ especially for me bc I love their mutual tacit trust and respect and all the ways they're alike and different), but ultimately it's still so angsty (':

Kind of love the couple instances where ZYC has been referred to as fragile/weak/of delicate constitution (depending on how you wanna translate it) like that's a very interesting quality to assign to basically the tank of your team. Even if the comments are made facetiously, it just reminds me of how often we witness his mortality, and of course how everything about the styling, aesthetics, and content of the flashbacks to his childhood reinforce a characterization of vulnerability at the very heart of him. I saw someone mention how the Cloud Light Sword responded to ZYC's tears and to that vulnerability rather than brute strength, and I totally agree. I love how this "fragile" characterization plays into the whole fate weapon deal. ZYC's strength is (imo) unconventional, and it is his sensitivity, his compassion, and his deep capacity to feel that the sword acknowledges, resonates with, and empowers. Almost like it protects his tender heart rather than making it something he needs to overcome to get stronger.

One thing I will never get over is how incredibly they styled TJR as baby!Yichen, adult ZYC, and Bingyi. What do you mean this is all from one drama and not three separate productions. Insane. I'm out of my mind with how gorgeous every change in costuming is.

A tangential note is I've seen people mention (paraphrasing very much here) ZYZ's demon form being nicely subtle in its eerie inhumanity and tbh I have a similar feeling even just about human adult ZYC imo. Especially when his hair is down and he's got that thick eyeliner on and we get a close up of his contacts, if you told me from the start that he's half-demon half-human or something I'd believe it. Along the same vein, baby!Yichen reads completely human to me, and Bingyi of course completely demon. Something something the Cloud Light Sword bridges the gap something. This point is unintelligible and not narratively based but I had to make it because I've been thinking "wow ZYC elven" for days now.

Saw a tag about yuanyi getting us through some dark times but man they are PUTTING me through some dark times rn help?/

Been trying to put off talking about the baby Yichen scenes because wow I cried immediately. Well, no, I was like "yay! I love seeing baby Yichen!" and then they crushed me into demon dust lol. And then WX had to tell that absolutely precious story about when she got sick and ZYZ had to go like "actually ZYC was probably lonely as fuck" and yeah that's fine I didn't need my heart anyway.

Ending on this point so I can put a pretty screencap here: There is so much gravity to just the short scene of Bingyi removing his mask and dropping to his knees with that anguished and fatigued expression. TJR's acting is the gift that keeps on giving (me angst).

so sorry if anything here didn't make sense, i currently have the same thousand-mile-stare as Bingyi the more i think about how this all might end and how long I'm gonna have to wait to find out.

[ezra-editss]

UPDATE

I started binge-watching and saw x-men 1, 2 & 3 and just a few minutes ago days of future past and let's just say I'm not okay.

I literally had to pause the movie at the plane scene, thought about it and started sobbing. I feel like I need a year to process this, so I'm just gonna give you what my brain is capable of rn and the rest comes when I'm ready😭

I constantly had to think about how this must be for Charles. Imagine you meet this amazing guy that you have a great relationship with, not just great, the best. You love him so much and you seem to want the same thing, but then he basically betrays you and takes your sister with you and you feel all alone. You lost the ability to walk and feel like you're slowly going crazy. So you spend almost ten years in your empty house, depressed and drunk. Someday this random man comes and suddenly, you're supposed to face the one person you never wanted to see again. Well, in one way, you do, because you actually just want everything back to how it was, but you know that won't work. But you do it, bc you have to.

IMAGINE THE NERVOUS FEELING YOU HAVE TO HAVE WHEN YOU BREAK INTO THAT PRISON AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA SEE HIM AND YOU KNOW HE'LL SEE YOU'RE THE ONE THAT GOT HIM OUT.

And then it happens and all those feelings overwhelm you and you have to bear being in the same plane as him. You get mad at him and you can see that he also still has all those emotions inside of him. And then he apologizes. And even tho you don't have your powers, you can tell he's being honest. genuine. It's what you wanted, probably. But what are you supposed to do? You can't forgive him, even if every fiber of your body wants you to. So you change the subject..

And Erik, who had been in prison for years, probably went through what had happened a thousand times in his mind, because he had nothing else to do. One day, this guy comes and breaks him out and he doesn't understand why, but whatever, he's free. And then the elevator doors open and he sees the person he'd thought he'd never see again and he's clearly not okay and it's because of HIM.

God, this is so painful. It's just two men who fell in love when they were younger and tried for years and years, even in a different universe, but they always ended up apart from each other. Even though all that they both ever wanted was to be on the same side.

(This turned out so much longer than I thought. Sometimes I just start writing and don't stop. That's also why it's always so messy. Anywayss, gonna see Deadpool 3 tomorrow, so let's gooo I hope that's gonna be happier.)

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

i'm thinking of suguru sitting next to you... his hair is down and your hands are in his. he's rubbing hearts into your palm and whispering sweet nothings into your neck... oh my god i'm so sick and in love with him it's not even funny 😭😭😭😭😭

also sugu with his hair loose is very. intimate and sweet and soft, i've seen people talk about how his hair is symbolic of his mental state/behaviors and i completely agree... but we deserved to see him let loose and show his 100% true colors in a happy context too!!!!!! BUT BACK TO THE MAIN IDEA he's so beautiful and handsome and and.. i wish i could say more but my imagination is not very good. which is why your thoughts are so helpful!!!

also ABOUT the last ask... i will share with you when the stuff comes... probably will be late may so i can save on shipping :(( i can show some stuff i have rn tho!! AND WHY DID SENDICO NOT WORK FOR YOU. ugh. i'm so sorry ari 🌖

🌖 ANONNNN MY BELOVED :3333

okay so this . made me insane? completely??? i don’t have words to describe the longing that poured into my body after reading this like it’s SO serious. YOU’RE ALWAYS OUT TO GET ME :(((…… all my moots and anons collaborating to make my brainrot worse……. sniffle………… soft intimate moments w sugu make me so emotional :’3 rubbing hearts into your palm.,… he’s suchhhh a loverboy i’m gonna cry. whispering sweet nothings into your ear…. treating you soso gently and delicately bc he just loves you so much…… bc you always treat him so gently in return . sniffle sob sniffle….

AND . HIM W HIS HAIR DOWN…….. let’s discuss this 🌖 anon . we Need to talk abt it. suguru’s hair is something so personal to me….. not JUST bc it’s silky and beautiful and fluffy but also bc it rlly is so very Symbolic……. the fact that he kept it in a bun during high school, let it all flow during his defection and then finally put it into a half-down bun……. it for sure symbolizes his mental state but most importantly his control . and his true self. teen sugu is very guarded …. very controlled….. when it comes to his fake smiles and emotions and just. everything. so him wearing his hair up is almost like a way of conforming, yk?? not letting his true self show. but during his breakdown he’s so tired and depressed he doesn’t even have the strenght to put it into a bun or take care of it…. he doesn’t have the strenght to put up appearances :((( n i think that’s also why he blurts some things out to haibara and yuki. he’s just . soso tired……

and when he finally defects and fixes his cognitive dissonance, he has the control and strenght to put his hair into a bun, but still lets it flow freely and. to me that’s . a symbol of his conviction. his decision Not to conform anymore :’3 i just love metaphors like that sm…. BUUUUT sadness aside it’s basically just a symbol of his true self and how comfortable he is showing it!!!! so for him to let his hair down in front of his s/o…. 🥺🥺 i just think. it’s a sign of trust. in a way. he’s willing to bare his heart to you…. and he trusts you to treat him w care. trusts you to wash his hair and comb it bc he knows you aren’t gonna tug on it or threaten to cut it off the way satoru does LMAO. he just trusts you soooo deeply and that’s so rare for him i think :(((((

ANYWAYYYYYYY I MADE MYSELF YEARN 2 MUCH. thank you for the tasty brainworms my beloved 🌖 anon <33333 AND PLSS I’D LOVE TO SEE YOUR CURRENT MERCH!!!! feel free!!!!! :3

[chloeangelic]

😭Why am I crying in the club rn?😭

Listed by author in alphabetical order cause I'm an organized bitch, here are the fics that made me Sit And Think™️ (or cry) in 2023, or

✨ my top 5 gut wrenching authors selection ✨

featuring @atinylittlepain @cherubispunk @macfrog @netherfeildren and @5oh5 🤍🤍🤍

Everyone knows I love angst, I love terrible gut wrenching pain and suffering and then I love it when my tears are drying on my cheeks and they fuck nasty, hell yeah 😎

So if you're like me, here are some recommendations!!

💙 @atinylittlepain

Deliver Me From Nowhere

Read the whole thing in one night and cried repeatedly during. I had it looming in the back of my mind for weeks but didn't feel like I was in the right headspace until I suddenly was, and it hit differently. I love Dolores, I love Joel, I love how he sees her, their dynamic, the exploration of her emotions and headspace, her body language. Fantastic. Want to cry just thinking about it so I'm gonna STOP.

June

Sat and stared at the wall for a long time after this one, then worked up the courage to post TMWH which I seriously don't think I would've had the guts to post had it not been for June. I love how it handles a sensitive, painful, and very real subject, I love that it doesn't paint Joel as a fixer or savior but rather a realistic, kind partner. Again, his understanding of her and how he makes space for her is something I appreciate so much in DMFN and June.

💗 @cherubispunk

Cherub

This one is an excruciating Sit And Think - I didn't cry but I sat there paralyzed for 48 hrs with a thousand yard stare, just thinking intensely about it, after my second read through. Two chapters and I'm already messed tf up over it!! I read them in the middle of the night and then during the day and I have never been this messed up over something labeled PWP before. The passion, the ominous vibes, Cherub being so soft and Joel having this strange dark vibe... I literally just thought about it constantly for two days and I still can't fully put my finger on why. It just slithered into my brain and I still think about it often and go back to read bits and pieces like a little treat.

💚 @macfrog

All Three Dogs

Max posted this on my most depressed day of 2023 so like fuck you ??? I'm sorry like this is phenomenally written and stunning but like what the fuck is wrong with u i'm not even giving u any more compliments on this one bruv sorry you made me like a DBF series and that's a mortal sin so YOU'RE DONE !!! Fucking dead mackerel eyes speak into the mic bitch chicago sunroof 1 after magna carta i am not crazy squat cobbler jesus christ marie lookin ass

Sweet Child O' Mine - particularly pt ii

This one is so cute and yet it hurts so much. It's so real, the MC is so... I don't even know what to say, she's so on her own and she seems so kind and selfless and it just hurts to think about her cause you can feel her love for her child and for Joel and ugh. She tries so hard to be the best person she can be for everyone and it's one of those situations where nobody is doing anything wrong and yet everyone either is already hurt or gonna get hurt, and I think it's that oscillation between love and hurt that really gets me. I also read this in the middle of the night and all I had to say in my RB was like "thanks for making me cry asshole" (I'm known for my profound commentary).

💜 @netherfeildren

Fear of God - particularly the epilogue

Fear of God is my all-time fav Joel series, the best Joel characterization I've come across and it generally set the tone for my taste in fic. It was the second series I started reading on here when I came back to Tumblr, and it's the first piece of writing that has ever truly moved me. His character arc is absolutely INSANE !! I made the mistake of reading the epilogue while listening to Ocean Eyes by Billie Eilish, and for months I couldn't listen to it without crying. The day before my graduation, I kept listening to it on repeat in some strange form of self-torture and I had to explain to my bf why I was sobbing. Try to explain all of FoG in a coherent way through tears, I dare u ! I can't say much without spoiling but basically when I think back on getting into fanfic, FoG is what marks the beginning for me and I will never ever forget this piece of writing ever in my life. (Shoutout to when I got caught getting a nut off to one of the FoG extras - I can't really talk about the series without mentioning that)

The Cassandra Complex - particularly ch I, ch IV, and ch VIII

I didn't give much of a fuck about Din before TCC cause i saw him as like a taller hotter R2D2 and now here I am... Eating my words like a ration pack. I have to do a big girthy throbbing TCC reblog cause I have a lot to say about my fav series in the world but basically I can't read ch 4 without crying and even though this is a Star Wars fic and it makes no sense for me to relate to it the most out of anything on Vic's ML, sith girly is the most relatable MC thanks to her constantly feeling haunted by her past, feeling like she's hiding, feeling unworthy, torpedoing herself, and seeing so much beauty in others but struggling to see it in herself. I'll save the rest of my thoughts for the big RB but basically I've even cried at the fucking SMUT in this series like I'm on another planet when I read it (haha get it?? cause Star Wars??)

🧡 @5oh5

From Eden

Staring At The Wall Saturdays again - I hate how much I see my younger self in little sunflower girlie, I hate that I recognize how trapped she feels in her marriage. It's such an accurate portrayal of feeling chained to a man who doesn't deserve you, and of how guilty you feel for not even acting on feelings for someone else yet but just recognizing within yourself that you deserve better, like that pain of accepting that you're not treated right and that visceral feeling of unfairness that comes with being in the wrong relationship. The guilt you feel for even just thinking it, you know? And having to recognize how you've been treated. Ugh. Also this Joel is... His mannerisms are... I.... I'll be right back-

And now, for the most important award ever. The winner of

🏆Biggest Chloe Tear Jerker 2023🏆 is...

🎉 @netherfeildren 🎉 and this is her 24/7

[youredreamingofroo]

Goodbye? I don't think so. I hope not. A very, very long rant about storage (🙄), simblr and whatever the fuck else I go on about for a few paragraphs. Skip to the end at the gold text for a more.... "definitive" answer. Especially if you want to skip the nitty gritty and sappy wappy.

i dont know what to do anymore, I freed up 18 GBs of space it all managed to go down the drain in literally an hour, Im moving my blender things to my external HDD, because that alone is 20 GBs (because of Scene sizes), I just hate to free up the space because I dont want it to go right back down. This all sucks cuz I really really enjoy being on Simblr, but sims 4 just continues to be a nuisance, whether its actual problems or its storage problems, it just always finds a way, every year, to get me to suddenly decide that im retiring until my next bout of Sims 4 hyperfixation. I love all of you guys and I love seeing how you all enjoy my work, and what I do, and I love seeing your stuff, you all make such amazing creations, granted if I stopped playing TS4, it wouldnt mean I have to stop interacting on simblr, it just wouldnt be the same. A pattern I notice anytime I start a social media platform, is that something always finds its way into completely demotivating me from posting, whether it's just literal lack of motivation, depression, realizing a project is too vast for me, storage problems, it's always something and it's always when I finally get comfortable or happy on a platform, especially after making friends, not that im saying my friends are one of the reasons I leave, thats far from it. I REALLY dont wanna take a break from Sims 4, I really really genuinely wanna start posting my story (W.A.S), but I'm not like a Sims 4 youtuber, I can't remain dedicated to one game, I play other games, I wanna play the Witcher games (or at least try to play them, I kinda suck rn), I wanna finish Detroit become human, I want to 100% Beyond two souls (and DBH), I wanna finish Disco elysium (started and never fucking finished 💀), I want to play Baldur's Gate 3, I mean, I purchased it at full price and I can't even play the game??... 😮‍💨 You get the point. At this point I wouldn't consider this a "goodbye," note, not... necessarily? I just get so frustrated having no storage, not to mention the fact that I need storage to literally do the stuff I do, like make edits, make poses, make renders, so the fact that I can't even do that, is just like... what's the point of even having Sims 4 anymore at that point? But I don't wanna leave simblr, I don't want to stop creating. It's funny, as I write this, I continue to give myself more and more of a reason to leave, the only real thing that's stopping me is just the fact that there's so many nice people here, I know that if I stopped playing the sims 4, I'd probably move onto another game (BG3................,,,,,..) and leave tumblr, or, at least leave Simblr. Which as I (think) said before, that's sad, I'd be sad, I'd miss people like Lori (groovetrys) and Lauren (miralure), June (circusjuney), Jade (gamyrmaiden), Anna (holocene-sims), butter (buttertrait), Fae (acuar-io), Verco (vercosims) and god, so many others, and sorry to break the atmosphere suddenly, but as I'm writing this, I'm listening to "In another life," from Everything everywhere all at once and it's making this very emotional for me, so if it gets sappy I apologize.

And I guess to be... insanely honest, as much as I want to release my story (trust me, I REALLY want to), I'm slowly beginning to realize more and more how not-easy it's gonna be to make scenes, writing it is fine for me, its just setting up the scenes feels like i'm forbidden to a life of staring at a bunch of words (pose names) trying to figure out what's what, where is what, what to do, where is where, who is who, who is what, how is what, how and why, need I continue. Storytelling is so insanely important to me, I believe that despite how little I read and despite how terrible of a student I have been, and despite how poor my literature skills are, that storytelling is still so important, fuck it, poetry has been such an inspiration for me, but I don't fucking know how to write poetry?? I can barely understand poetry at times, but it's still all so beautiful to me, the concept and the fact that people use metaphors so meticulously to create an allegory for something beautiful, or traumatic or sad, like in not so berry, the concept of an ocean being alexanders "love," and cataleya drowning in it, and her realizing she's drowning in his "love," but when she wants to leave, she really wonders if she actually wants to leave, to conceptualize and create this awful relationship in the means of an ocean is so... well, not beautiful in a reality sense, but in a technical/literary sense, it's beautiful, it's expression, and THATS what im passionate about. Remember what I said about getting sappy? Yea, sorry about that. After a while, I wonder what good repeating myself does, I've said about 5 or 6 times that I don't want to leave, yet here I am, with the mouse over the uninstall button like an idiot about to press the big "DON'T TOUCH" button, perhaps it's the idea that after repeating myself over and over again, that maybe I'll make up my mind, do I do a coin flip? I never listen anyways, I always continue to flip until it lands on what I like. So... why am I still writing? To be honest, I should've stopped by now, but you can only stop a dam so much before it all comes out. I do this with my friends, when I'm sad, I pour my heart out until it's a repetitive and overcooked version of "I'm sad." I write paragraph after paragraph and I literally could've just said "I don't have storage. Considering leaving simblr," and the same message would've gotten across, and I apologize, if you're still reading this, for making such a lengthy post, but I couldn't quite help spilling a bit of water everywhere, although I guess now my little puddle of water has become a flood. I use metaphors a lot, I apologize... again.

So what does all this bullshit that I typed out mean?

I don't know. I wonder the same myself, I'm fighting a battle more fierce than the one I had with my period last week, "Do I uninstall Sims 4 so I can have more freedom, and enjoy more content? or do I continue this rigorous battle of needing storage for the sake of a tumblr page, my enjoyment for writing and other shit I do in the sims 4?" I cannot say I will take a hiatus, because I will procrastinate, and I will forget completely about posting, and tumblr in general. I do still, at the very least, want to release my Official Teaser for my story, whether it be my last post or not, and at the very least, I want to introduce you to the characters, whether it be my last post(s) or not. Not to mention the fact that I want to continue sharing about Roo even if it's not about sims 4 anymore, I mean hell, I haven't even finished off the Leo and Roo part of his timeline.

For an INCREDIBLY watered down answer on whether or not this is goodbye, I say to you, not in this moment, not definitive enough for you yeah? Well, that's the thing, I don't have a definitive answer, you could fucking tear apart this entire college essay mat-pat style, and still not have a definitive fucking answer, and that's because I don't, sorry to all the people who don't want to listen to me rant or who want a clear answer, but I just don't have one. I've been known to make impulsive and on the whim (when I'm really emotional) decisions, and this is a situation where I don't want to do that, because I care about what I have here with ya'll.

If this ends up being one of my last posts, I bid you all adieu, I love you all, and I thank you so so so much for the laughs, and for the mutual connection we may or may not have had, I do not know if I'll make any actual posts for the next few days as I consider my decision, I will float around of course and continue reblogging this and that, and commenting and liking, etc etc. There's also a chance I may wake up tomorrow and look at this and think I was just being overly emotional about this stuff, and that now I look like an idiot, which is the case 9 times out of 10.

[gloomy-prince]

hey, i know you probably get messages like this alot but i kinda felt like i wanted to say this

im completely new to your blog and found it on pure accident, ive never even been interested in IT or interacted with it in any way!! (now im thinking i might give it a try)

and uh i stumbled upon your trans Eddie comics and just, holy. shit

im a transmasc guy/person (he/they) and i just, broke down crying while reading it all? lol. it just hit so insanely close to home i dont know how to describe it. the feeling of looking in the mirror and immediately ruining your entire day, pushing other people away despite them trying, being attracted to men but always having that thought of "he'll see me as a girl. he obviously wouldnt be attracted to me if hes gay" and "im not enough of a guy to be in a gay relationship" if that makes sense???

just alot of feelings ive been horrified about confronting, laid out infront of me, someone going through it with alot more support than i ever had, it was- alot, but not in a negative way!! in a weird sort of way, Eddie being comforted, comforted me in turn. knowing HIS feelings are valid and how Richie acts, made my feelings seem more valid and also made me feel this deep jealousy paired with genuine hope that one day i could have something similar. just maybe.

i know this sounds depressing but it wasn't, i cried yeah but afterwards i felt so much better and im slowly unraveling everything regarding my feelings rn. hoping ill find someone like Richie in my life

and, thank you, genuinely.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I'm really glad it could be cathartic for you!! Getting asks like this makes me really happy every time since, well, I'm basically imprinting a lot of my experiences and emotions onto him through this comic... so knowing a lot of other people can relate, and it might even be helpful for them to read, is really nice and makes me smile (and maybe also want to cry, lol)... I hope that you will find someone like him soon, because you definitely deserve it!!

P.S. if you choose to watch/read... half of my reasons for wanting to make the comic was to give them a happier ending since the canon one is not... so fair warning to you 💔

[rainbluealoekitten]

@achilleanauthor i want to tell you this but i also want to get into the habit of posting about happy things on tumblr bc, as my biggest fan, i love rereading my old posts <— (actually just has the worst memory known to humankind and rereads to know wtf was even going on in my life)

today is not even over but it has been so good! chill, still felt depressed, but good! today is 3wc but also my class had an ee writing day (our 4,000 word essay— my 1st draft of which is due on monday) and ngl i wish we had many more days like this

still woke up early (6:15) but this meant i had a pretty chill morning (bird watching, guitar playing, tea drinking) as we only had to get there at 9, though nobody even checked and some people never showed. i loooove hanging out in the campus when there's no real expectations about what we have to do (and there were no classes!!! yippee!!!) so my friends and i hung out in the bio lab all day + they ordered sushi for lunch (which we had at 11:50 bc there were no rules!!) it could def have been way more productive and now i am working super hard to get shit done, plus our gossip was mainly complaining and not the most fun, but it was still just nice to hang out like this

makes me excited to think about uni (plus i have to send letters to these 2 i would like to go to) rn uni is such a mixed-emotions topic for me because all of the ones i want to go to cost too much and dn't really have scholarships + the cost of living is insane so really i'm just desperately hoping to get into this one in particular BUT i hope it's like this :) shit has been rough here and i hate this school and this people but today reminded me that it can be good! and imagine i get to have days like these with actually incredible friends and doing classes i love on a beautiful campus where i have my own life!!! aa!!

also my extended essay. low key kinda love it as much as it is a nightmare. it's about the song of achilles and analysing different aspects of heroism, which is still so fantastic and achilles is literally my homeboy. he's my guy. he's my blorbo. i have been studying him under a microscope for YEARS and now 4,000 words is WAY too little; i need to write a BOOK about this man

anyways that's my ramble for today :) even if the day suddenly turns sour, let me remember it as such

[fairycosmos]

hi love, hope you're doing well, I know a lot of people say this BC it's true but your posts and advice and wisdom etc etc is just sooo lovely to read honestly. so I saw you used to be a TA but quit cos it was like too much for your mh and stuff I'm in the exact same position rn and I just wondered if u have any like info/advice anything really like... obv dw about me taking whatever u say as too final but like, is it a silly job role to have when ur someone who really finds life so draining so easily and struggles w mental health often? like even tho working w kids is lush in general. cos Im on a break rn w an agency and then planning on going part time at some point but even then that seems scary af.

hiii sorry for the late response to this - i hope you still see it. i wanted to say i totally understand being overwhelmed in this way. working with kids can be wonderful but it is also absolutely draining and when you're already emotionally drained just in general- it gets to be a lot. i was at a breaking point with it, too. just the constant pressure of it. needing to take a step back is absolutely fine. last time i worked childcare, i was (i guess i still am lol) incredibly depressed, and with the insane hours i was working (it was a nursery that stayed open late LOL) and the high-stress esp for low pay (apprenticeship wages 🙄) it just wasn't sustainable. something had to give at that moment for me to feel like staying alive was even possible, and it's alright to admit that. i think when i quit, i even told my boss something along the lines of "im not giving the children the presence of mind they deserve because im in a really bad place right now', and it kind of helped me to frame it that way. that by doing what was right for me, i would also be doing what was right for the kids, even if it was painful and bittersweet and made me feel like a failure.

i guess i also want to say that just because you're feeling this way right now, like you need to pull the brakes on your job a little bit, doesn't mean you always will. and two (or more) things can absolutely be true at once - you can be great at what you do, have a genuine love for it, want to return to it in the future, and still be completely fucking exhausted by it all. i think doing what you can to reach out in terms of your mh and making that a priority would definitely serve you well in the long run. i took a break from it and now, when im starting to consider seeking part-time TA work again, i can see advantages of the job now that im looking from afar + after a break to recalibrate my mind and my approach. part-time hours might be a great compromise for you that works out - its a lot less overwhelming and a lot more manageable - but if that still ends up feeling like too much for you, that's okay. it's pretty clear that you're burnt out and in need of some deep emotional rest and catharsis, someone to talk through your feelings with so you can examine where they come from and how to cope with them healthily in the future, which is totally understandable - most people need that or a version of it at one point or another. i know the nhs is on its last legs esp in terms of mental health care, but i would encourage you to ask your doctor for a referral + seek out support groups in your area or any cost-effective private therapy practices if that's an option for you (a lot of them are willing to work with clients to agree on a manageable price.) anyway sorry for rambling, i think i just wanted you to know that you have numerous ways forward here and that your current stress level is completely justified + relatable to me as a TA with MH struggles. i think it's about finding a balance, whatever that looks like for you. im rooting for you and if you want to talk about this a bit more, i will be here. also, thank you so much for the kind words 💌💌 they really made my morning feel a bit less shit. i know im just a stranger and nobody has to take my words seriously or listen to them ever and it means a lot that they sometimes do. sending a big hug your way. it's ok to put yourself first for as long as you need and are able to! X

[doctorguilty]

Seasonal depression got me fucked up today I feel so sluggish and low mood and my brain the whole day thinks it's like 10pm because of the darkness (rn it's only 6) .. gloomy helped motivate me to free myself from the emotional weight of my raw chicken in the fridge and just cut it up and cook it plain in a pan so I can pop it in the fridge and extend its life a couple more days for when I'm ready to use it. So I'm glad it didn't go bad, I hate food waste even if it's not the end of the world orz

But oof I need to pack and stuff but I'm struggling so bad and my time is ticking down.. such unfortunate timing to be doing this big move during my roughest season. I have 2 sunlight mimicking bulbs AND a light box, I take vitamin D, and I have an energy drink a day but it still barely keeps me awake most days. It's insane .. I'd kill for some help with all this if only I could afford to just, fly someone over here on a whim..

[carbonateddelusion]

sorry I'm just.

"btw you're gonna be homeless now. because I'm leaving my husband to live with my boyfriend all the way across the fucking Atlantic Ocean. also can you pwease help me pack my things I'm really out of it rn and tired :( I can book a hotel but you won't be able to have your emotional support animal with you. don't worry she'll be fine here with an abuser who you've heard hurt his own cat before. she's innocent he wouldn't hurt her she's just an animal. yeah I'm flying across the world to live with my European boyfriend I met online like.. a year ago but idk about you lol. I mean you could come with us but that'd mean most likely abandoning all of your supports, your mental health services, the family you care about, your cat, and the ability to speak to the vast majority of the people in the country you're going to. yeah he's gonna throw a violent temper tantrum but don't worry the animal that's got you out of your abuser's house and through all of my gaslighting and toxic behavior (because I'd rather treat you like Cinderella like how he treats me and treat you like shit than admit I'm being abused) won't be hurt by him. also use your money on me pwease 🥺 I'm so scawed I need emotional support ignore than I'm 25 I'm gonna lean on you when I didn't allow you to lean on me this entire time and watched you become the most depressed and suicidal you've ever been and now you won't have a home or be able to fucking meet with your mental health providers. did I mention that I'm leaving the fucking country? I feel like I'm abandoning you I'm sooooo sowwey 🥺"

like am I insane. am I crazy. I've dealt with both of their abusive bullshit behavior for a year now, being constantly told that I just need to keep quiet and ignore the fact that his pissbaby temper tantrums make me feel deeply unsafe, do all of the fucking chores for 3 people no matter how much I want to kill myself, deal with my SIBLING leaving fucking SEX TOYS out, cat piss everywhere that III have to clean up even though they know what's causing the cats to pee they just don't wanna walk the literal 2 feet from their rooms to the laundry basket to not leave their clothes on the floor, my sibling walking around fucking naked all the time, being told I need to leave the house so they can fuck, having to listen to my BIL's stupid fucking kinky sex shit toward my sibling IN FRONT OF ME and him getting MAD when he can't talk about punishing them when I'm RIGHT THERE, him not fucking bathing, throwing hissy fits every time he needs to do a chore, being constantly aggressive and refusing to work on his fucking issues with anybody at all, etc etc god there's more but I can't. I can't do this right now.

[theducks-111]

believe you:

“I believe you”

It's 3 words and 4 syllables

It's 11 letters and 13 characters

It can be said in one breath

But it packs an emotional punch doesn't it?

We probably have all felt like no one believed us

But have you ever felt like a living myth?

I'm genderfluid and so immediately many people don't think I can exist or that I'm confused and lying just by that

I also have ASD, OCD, PTSD, an ED, generalized anxiety disorder, clinical depression and insomnia

And no matter how crazy that sounds, it's true

5/7 are diagnosed and the other 2 have been pointed out by professionals and are currently waiting for a test and diagnosis.

But it sounds like a lot

And many are ones that pair or cause others

Sometimes I wonder how much easier my life would be if I could just sleep

But rn I can't

I have slept an average of 4 hours a night since I was at least 5 years old

That's over a decade

I am constantly paranoid and hallucinate on and off

I forget sometimes that not everyone deals with that

I get sick easy, have joint and muscle pain, and have an insane amount of allergies

All of which can be linked back to never getting enough sleep

Then add one all of the crazy things I've been through, and I sound like a Reddit story

So no matter how many times I say it or remember or have to blatantly deal with side effects and issues, I always feel like I'm a liar

I'm scared, so so scared, that I have made it all up

That my mother is right and that I'm a major hypochondriac

That everyone really does deal with the same stuff I do at the same level and I'm just dramatic and a wimp for not just dealing

So just about every time in my life that I have been told those 3 little words I start to sob

No, not “I love you”

But “ I believe you”

That, yes I see you and trust you

I know your not a bad person who would make this up on purpose

And I see your interactions and they tell me it's not fake

Or just that trust of judgement

I hear “I love you" enough but it is often said by people who don't like me. It honestly feels quite empty

So for me, to be believed is something that feels so impossible that it hits me like a tidal wave to hear it

That there is someone who believes I'm not lying

It feels like I told you I can fly up to the sky with a knife and shred out universe and you just said “well of course you can”

Even people who mean well often purposely or unconsciously say “it can't be that bad”

And for someone to voice that, yes I believe that it is that bad and that you deal with that each day

Just feels like a suffocating fog has been lifted and I can finally breath

For you it may be 3 words

For me, it is the freeing of a soul

[skinnysweethrt]

Rant- tw 3d

Can someone relate? Idk I feel pretty alone in my goddamm dramatic teenage suffering

Venice Bitch is the background rn it's been on loop this whole roadtrip I am totally living a wonderful life because I'm st⭐️rv1ing and lightheaded and this nausea is so validating! I have been having such insane mood swings and writing till my arm cramps up. Is this anything other than 4n4??? We will probably never know because your girl is never telling anyone anything <3 help is noĺt for me. I am so happy because my w31ght went down finally after a week of trying to eat normally and no 34ting today!!! AHH I am so ready to do something insane to myself. My b0dy is fat and ugly and I have to get sk1ny before I see the boy I like at work in January. I work seasonally and it's typically long weekend work setting up stages and stuff for all kinds of dancers and he works with me. I met him in May and omg we were so connected I'm gonna make a post recounting everything because it's legit a movie type thing. Anyway, I got his number and we texted for a few months on and off but he was busy with school and he's a year older than me but I am so so in love with him and all I want to do is see him again. He saw me for me for just a few days and that experience was so priceless. Ever since I've had that experience (the only experience I've ever had with any boy ever) I have missed him. We never did anything much more than talk, but he was so flirty and hung out with basically only me. All I ever wanted was love and though I've tried to accept that I am just a teenage girl with my whole life ahead of me with or without boys, part of me will always just be miserable about him. But latley I have realized that I am way way more motivated by something other than reactions from people at work when they see my w31ght loss that WILL happen. I can finally be in control of EVERYTHING. At first when my 3d had "clinically" developed (idk how to describe it I mean i was a full fledged 4n4rexix), i felt pressure to lose weight quickly because I spent a month at an island over the summer and was in a bikini basically all day. I felt out of place and miserable so I changed that. Of course, I had "d1s0rdered" thoughts since around 8 years old ever since ballet and gymnastics where I'd constantly get made fun of and compared. But 3ating has always been comfort f0od, so I would b1ng3 3at a lot. Half a jar of Nutella, a bag of family sized chips, and a bowl of mac and cheese whenever I felt upset. When things escalated to me being overw31ght (not super 140 p0unds but short and pretty much sedentary from depression) and extremely out of shape, I had to change something. It was little because I didn't look up losing on the internet. It was skipping lunch and breakfast but night b1ng1ng. Just stuff that got me to stay the same and even get worse. But then things changed and I lost 15 p0unds in about a month and a half. Then I ended up completely depressed, trying to reverse things for volleyball for the season but it ended early and I still didn't like myself. So then i went back to st⭐️rv1ng and lost another 8 or so. Now I'm roughly 118 and hoping to be 97 by Jan.

I want to be skinny and in control of my life even if that's the only thing I can. EVERYTHING IS FINE AND I AM IN CONTROL AND I WILL REFUSE TO LET ANY BOY CONRTOL MY LIFE. Idfk I'm just a teenage girl who is confused with how to deal with my emotions who spends all day on tumblr when she's alone because she doesn't fucking have any friends to talk to. All I know is that I am not going to achieve any happiness unless I am in control of my life which is showed by "EXTREME th1nn3ss" or whatever people call it. I will be und3rw31ght, finally mean something, and have everything I have ever wanted.

[serendipitous-mage]

actually no you know what i am major league pissed at about 10 other irl things rn so you have Unlocked something congrats anon.

firstly: fuck you. you have zero right to try and tell me i am 'quite wrong' in knowing i would not be a suitable parent. you "know" that i supposedly am .... how? have you installed cameras inside everywhere i've ever been and listened in on private conversations and know the inner workings of my mind and disabilities even better than i do? because oh boy howdy—

i'm poor as shit, second of all. always have been probably always will be. we somehow never quite hit homelessness, but i had sleep for dinner many of my elementary/early school days, i was always the kid who thought disneyland was as much a fantasy as the worlds in the movies it was so out of our league, any field trips that werent cost covered were Extremely unlikely to happen, and i was always on either the free or reduced lunch programs when they were available. a few years, the collections that they do at schools for canned foods and things to donate, we were given one of those boxes. i would not ever want to bring a child into the world knowing they would grow up the same way (or worse, more than likely, considering the minimum wage-inflation bullshit and my jobs).

C: even if i had plenty of money to be certain i could support a child via having a living space large enough, heat and hot water and electricity, consistently having plenty of food and basic care products, transportation, and—because fuck you 'surviving' is not the bare minimum existence should be—toys and treats and clothes and trips and fun things ... i can't even take care of myself well rn. i've been in a rollercoaster spiral of ptsd and anxiety/depression among who knows what else for over a decade now, and due to a myriad of personal reasons, thats not changing any time soon. i am perpetually exhaused and cannot get enough sleep as it is, and having helped raise infants before im well aware of just how much less i would be getting with one around. i am not in a mental or emotional space to raise a child, and more people need to think about that before diving in just because It's Expected and they want a little human who is bound to them for 18 years and cant up and leave when they pull bullshit that would end any other relationship.

fourth: i have the unfortunate privilege of living in the united states. you probably arent aware, anon, but we have ... an INSANE gun problem. i would be TERRIFIED to have a child and then send them off to school knowing there is a decent chance their building will get shot up by a little white boy who has a military grade weapon because the people in power here value dead/fictional people more than the living breathing ones in front of them. i have lost too many people i care about to go asking for another like that.

#5: pregnancy is traumatizing. assume firstly that i a) am not asexual, b) have someone that would be a possibility to do that with, c) have someone i Trust and would Want to raise a child with—because i would not ever want one with someone i wasnt 100% sure would help provide a safe, secure, and loving environment for them to grow up in, which again is something more people need to think about before getting frisky—and d) am physically capable of carrying to term ... ow. no thanks. nor do i want to risk getting whatever health issues the other party has. i also have personal trauma that going through the whole parenting thing would be wildly triggering on a number of reasons so, no fuckin thanks.

also brotato chip. famalicious. cuddling anyone you care about can release oxytocin.

also??? don't try to suggest our parental relationships are fucked just because of skin contact. they're fucked because:

rampant lack of sex education and disdain/shaming of sex work and sexual tendencies in individuals despite it being one of THE defining nonsenses behind gender norms/societal roles makes it harder or impossible for young people to know their limits, know their boundaries, feel like they CAN say no,

extreme misogyny/racism/homophobia/etc bigotry forcing people to not be able to consider being with individuals who would make them happy and instead having to conform to the "normal" nuclear family, and causing immense fear and extra stress/medical bills/early deaths in families that do

pressure from everything from billboards and tv shows to the toys we grew up with as kids and every adult we ever met is grooming and leading us to think that it Has to be this way. living life is: school, college or entry jobs, work, kids, family, and retirement. we are human beings, there is no cookie cutter way of living that can tell us the steps of our lives and there never should be. none of those steps are actual requirements, any or all of them can be important to certain people, or be the farthest from desired to others

consistent country or worldwide Events are keeping everyone in survival mode and scared and it does not help tempers or decision making

the state of wages and living costs are obscene right now, making it harder to live which makes it harder to live happily

it is still a debate whether or not climate change is real

it is still a debate whether drumpf is a horrible human being

it is still a debate if poc, and queers, and jews, and muslims, are people exactly the same as we are or if they are evil and lesser

it is still a debate whether wearing slutty clothes means you deserved it

it is still a debate whether abuse from a spouse is acceptable if you were 'crazy' enough or the abusing party is popular enough

it is still a debate if i should be legally allowed to abort a fetus that is already dead

it is still a debate if i would deserve food stamps or monetary help to raise a child if i was unemployed or injured

it is still a debate if my body is my own property

i could go on, anon. i could do this all day. because unfortunately with the way the world and this country in particular are, there is no shortage of reasons to not want to raise a child, even in general terms. (all the power to people who want and have them, i hope you have better luck than i would ever expect for mine, but any one of these reasons would be enough for me to be able to tell that: no, i would not be a suitable parent)

maybe get off your high horse about it and check your opinions against what's actually happening to the human beings around you

Do you know that new mothers secrete oxytocin when they are cuddling their newborn skin-to-skin? And even more so when they breastfeed? That creates the nurturing bond. We are mammals, after all. So saying that you know you would not be a suitable parent is quite wrong, since you have no idea how your body would adapt to such a primal bond. Most people do not put their newborns directly to their skin and 90% of mothers in western societies do not breastfeed their babies, therefore never establishing that bond in the first place. No wonder we as a society are so disconnected from our kids / parents.

you could buy me dinner first

[ursifors]

1551 - From The Brink first listen reaction:

1. Going Down Swinging - a classic but revamped? i think? maybe? i love this song and it sounds so good and that chef mike solo is so fucking insane.

2. From the Brink - ohhhh that bass. is jeremy's voice layered? idk it sounds so nice. i love the lyrics for this one omgggg. i love the whispering too this song fucks. i can just tell i'm gonna be listening to this when i'm super depressed to pull myself back up. KEEP ON TRUCKIN' ALONG AAAHHHHHHH i'm emotional. i love the screaming in the back at the end of the song omg.

3. Enemy - ok i know this one already too bc he released it as a single awhile, this is the red dead one. i love it so much and this is the song i associate with jeremy's stream the most bc he is always playing this before he starts.

4. Breaking of Dawn - oooooo soft. OH JEREMY SOUNDS SO GOOD HOLY SHIT. this might be my favorite song on the album i already feel that like a minute in jeremy sounds so good i can't get over it. i love the vibe of this song its so different than their usual MO. i'm SO HAPPY JEREMY IS ACTUALLY SINGING IN THIS ONE I'M FREAKING LOSING IT. beautiful.

5. Born Evil - DID HE JUST SAY "YEAH IT GETS ME OFF" JEREMY DOOLEY???? THE CHORUS OF THIS JUST HITS MY BRAIN SO GOOOD OOOOOOOOOOOO. I WAS BORN EVILLLLLLL. i literally have so many playlists this song will fit on.... such a good villain song. god the chorus is so good holy shit.

6. Infamous - oh i loved that stop and then going into it. jeremy sounds so baby in this song. i know this one too!! they released this as a single on spotify i remember. i could also fit this on so many playlists..... i'm gonna get so many plays out of this album for real. this also just makes me think of jeremy's stream LOL

7. Hurts to Know - ohhhhh MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD SINGING JEREMY LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. he sounds so good holy shit THATS MY STREAMER!!!! im gonna cry. i might actually cry listening to this rn. i have to learn all the words to this i know i'm gonna be singing it constantly

8. An Army Falls - LETS GO this is the halo one i think? HO HO HO HO THE FRONT LINE IS CALLIN MY NAME! this song goes so fucking hard i love it so much. the drums in this are so GOOD. this song is genuinely so good i just!!!!!!!!!!! fuck yes WE LOVE MASTER CHIEF.

9. Standing Tall - oh THIS IS FUNKY??? spencer what the hell is this (positive)... i like this back and forth with jeremy's voice. oh i like this ohhhhh. this is gonna get so stuck in my head so bad i already know it. ughhhh drums goood make brain happy.

10. Imposter - ive been WAITING FOR THIS FUCKING SONG. A MONSTER AMONG US AAAAHH. oh piano???? the instrumental is NICE. IMPOSTERRRRRR OH MY GOD that is so good PLEASE. i love the lyrics so much. this needs a music video. THE LAUGHH? EVERYONE THAT AINT ME IS GONNA HAVE TO DIE IMPOSTAAHHH.

final thoughts: i really like that they kind of went several different directions they hadn't before and had like, soft songs and jeremy singing for real!!!!! and the instrumental at the start of standing tall and all of imposter is so interesting and nice. my favorite songs are definitely breaking of dawn and imposter. awesome work boys i'm so proud and you should be too!