#depression!virgil
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..•Perception Distorted•..
#casart#sanders sides#virgil sanders#anxiety sanders#heeyyyyy wowie some good ol' virge art<3#kinda getting some feelings out w this one coz my depression and anxiety have not been great#shit really piling on and giving me a lot of distorted thoughts and dissociative episodes haha#anyways time to give my problems to my boy!! ah yes healthy coping uwu
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My hot take is that if Roman were to "duck out" the way Virgil did in Accepting Anxiety, the result would be something akin to clinical depression. Roman has always been more than Thomas's creativity, he's also Thomas's drive, his passion, his desire. The motivation and ability to make art, or work, or even build relationships. All of that is wrapped up in Roman.
Sure, there are other motivating factors as we've seen in the videos on the topic. Logan motivates with the knowledge that work puts food on the table, Virgil motivates through fear. But Roman is the only one who motivates through love and joy, through hopes and dreams. Because while Patton is driven by emotion, he's more impulsive, more driven by what will make Thomas feel good in the moment, as opposed to Roman who while fanciful and emotional, is ultimately driven by plans and goals for the future.
Therefore, without Roman, Thomas would have no drive. No passion. No desire to make or do anything beyond base necessities for staying alive. No ability to see past immediate survival or imagine a possible happier future. No hopes and dreams. No spark. I don't even think Virgil's strongest panic could override a complete lack of passion for anything. Thomas would feel anxious and awful, but he still wouldn't be able to do anything.
And that's basically what clinical depression is. It's not just being sad--it's being exhausted, and numb, and unable to get out of bed in the morning because you just don't care about anything anymore. It's not finding joy in the things you used to love the most. It's feeling paralyzed because there are so many things you should be doing or you want to do, but you simply can't. Depression is, at its core, a lack of passion, joy, and drive.
#Sanders Sides#Sanders Sides analysis#Roman Sanders#there's also the notion that Roman represents Thomas's confidence or ego#without Roman there to provide a boost to his self-image#that leaves Virgil to heighten Thomas's insecurities with noone to balance him out#low self-esteem/self-hatred is obviously another common facet of major depression
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I was thinking about this: Logan implies that only feeling-based sides are able to duck out when he explains to Thomas that he, as logic, can’t duck out like Virgil did. And in the EXACT SAME EPISODE, Patton is described as the “core of a lot of Thomas’ feelings.” I THINK that Patton is the only other side that can duck out, and if he did, c!Thomas would experience what is essentially depression (apathy, a loss of interest in previous interests, etc)
(Bonus headcanon: If the orange side does turn out to be Rage, he will also be capable of ducking out.)
#sanders sides#virgil sanders#patton sanders#orange side#headcanons#angst#tw depression#this is a stretch I know#but let me ramble please#I want more sanders sides technicalities#pat’s the core of emotions + he has purple and orange emotion children#isn’t it weird how the only rooms we’ve seen are Patton’s and Virgil’s?#THEY’RE THE BOYS OF FEELINGS#now if anyone writes a fic where patton ducks out then pls tag me
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six months since || just another day, thank god
and i am glad, so deeply glad, that six months since the worst day it is just a normal day. i feel normal. i am on meds now. i am happier. i am in therapy. and i am no longer in the space. a thousands times happier and a thousand times more stable. i do things that make it easier for me to move through the world instead of just pushing through. it is another day and tomorrow will be another days and those days will bleed into a future.
when i was done dying, dan deacon | tired, ramón casas | “letter to violet dickinson”, virginia woolf | interior, model reading, edward hopper | sand and foam, kahlil gibran | burn it down, brian luong |tim kavanagh | grant howitt | the aeneid, virgil | jujutsu kaisen, gege akutami |undertale | nickie zimov | please stay, lucy dacus | suzanne siegel | rhythm of war, brandon sanderson | stranger things, matt duffer & ross duffer | letter to an old poet, boygenius | sower at sunset, vincent van gogh | oathbringer, brandon sanderson | everything everywhere all at once, daniel kwan & daniel scheinert | once a lady told me, nikki giovanni | poet’s loft, david hettinger | kurt vonnegut | downtown express 72nd st. station, subway, new york, 1977, willy spiller | thanK you aIMee, taylor swift | daughters of the dust, julie dash | loose lips, kimya dawson | vincent van gogh | letters to vera, vladimir nabokov
#on hope#on happiness#on darkness#webweaving#web weave#on sadness#web weaving#webweave#on depression#on hurt#on pain#on loss#on friendship#on beauty#dan deacon#ramon casa#virginia woolf#edward hopper#kahil gibran#brian luong#tim kavanagh#grant howitt#virgil#gege akutami#nickie zimov#lucy dacus#suzanne siegal#brandon sanderson#the duffer brothers#boygenius
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Apartment Depression
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Also known as 'fur affinity is down so you guys get Virgil today. Drawing my hyena boy is as close to coping as I plan to get
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Thundertober Day Seven: Alive
Please, please check the warnings for this one.
I've tried to cover enough to be on the safe side but it does delve into some darker thoughts, so please be mindful of that. I hadn't planned on this getting quite so... depressing. It was supposed to have an uplifting end. Fair warning: it doesn't.
AO3 here
Days: One ~ Two ~ Three ~ Four ~ Five ~ Six
Warnings for: Suicidal Thoughts; Depression; Major Character Injury. This is set post-Hydrofoil. Gordon is having to come to terms with the cost of surviving an accident that should have left him dead. Tagging: @thunder-tober @skymaiden32 @idontknowreallywhy (just going to put it out there that if you want to be tagged in any future Thundertober pieces, or future pieces in general, let me know and I'll tag you too!)
What was the point of being alive if it meant you could no longer live?
The mirror was his enemy. He refused to even take a glance because who exactly would be staring back at him? What had he become? Life or death and he had chosen to live because he was strong and his human survival instincts had kicked in, but what was the cost?
His legs were currently immobile, his arms cocooned in casts. Most of his body was either bandaged or strapped up in some way, metal rods and plating fixed inside him as though he were a bionic man. There was probably some sort of joke in there somewhere, but Gordon failed to see the funny side. He failed to make a joke about anything as of late, and for good reason.
He had survived, but now he was facing a life of… this.
Apparently, there was still a chance he might have been able to return to his old life, but the odds were against him. According to some of the doctors, there was a slim possibility of Gordon being able to walk again. It was a tiny glimmer of hope, but he chose to not think of it. To think of it, to hope for it, only for it to likely be ripped away from him all over again? He’d rather remain solemn and bed-ridden without the dream, thanks.
Because that’s all it was now.
A dream of a past life and a possible future that was no longer within his grasp.
Whenever his brothers came by to visit, usually once a day, they’d reassure him, or try to, but none of them had ever been good liars, at least not to Gordon’s face. He could tell instantly when Scott blinked excessively and barely offered him a simple glance in his direction; when Virgil took great interest in the way his booted feet twisted and moved across the shaggy carpeted rug beside his hospital bed; when John’s fingers would not stop fidgeting with the zipper on his hoodie and would give only an uncharacteristic shrug as an answer whenever Gordon asked him a question.
Late at night, when the wing had fallen asleep and the only sounds that filled the area was the soft humming of machines and the padded feet of nurses doing their routinely hourly checks, Gordon would allow his mind to wander away on whims and what-ifs.
What if he’d never joined that stupid test programme?
What if he had instead followed his dreams?
What if he had never got in that damned accident and still had a body that worked?
Never again would he be able to join his family on their hikes through the canyons near home. Never again would he be able to swim laps through the foaming waves on the West Coast. He had once considered taking up surfing more seriously, to add to his list of water hobbies, but now Gordon knew he’d never have the chance.
Wrapped up in cotton strips and constantly having to warn airport security of the additions to his body… This wasn’t living. At times he even question whether striving had been worth it.
Gordon eventually found the strength to confide in Virgil those thoughts which constantly ate away at him. His empathetic nature made Gordon feel like he would be the only brother who could understand, and who wouldn’t bat away his concerns with a simple don’t even think like that, you’re going to be fine, even with the odds stacked against him.
“What will make the surviving worth it, then?” Virgil had asked him, cradling a plastic cup that had once held the contents of a coffee vending machine. He’d slowly sipped his way through the warm, comforting drink as Gordon had bared his soul.
To his credit, Gordon hadn’t allowed a single tear to stain his cheeks. In his eyes, that was a win. He managed to open up to his brother without breaking down. It wasn’t that he thought Virgil wouldn’t have been able to take Gordon’s meltdown. He just didn’t want his brother having to witness it.
“I don’t know.” He replied honestly after a moment of quick, silent reflection. “I don’t think anything will.”
He couldn’t look Virgil in the eyes because he knew how it sounded. As a family, they never gave up. After everything they’d been through, they always found a way to continue fighting through the dark until the light appeared at the end of the tunnel again, but this time, Gordon felt exhausted. To him, the tunnel had caved in and there was no escape from the endless gloom.
“Walking again.” Virgil answered for him. “That would make it worth it. Running again. Standing again. Swimming again.”
The word made Gordon tense. It also made him lock eyes with his brother. For the first time in that conversation, there was a glossy sheen to those orbs as tears threatened to fall regardless of what Gordon wanted. “Don’t.” He warned carefully. “Don’t use that as a—”
“Gordon, the chances aren’t zero.”
And there it was. So much for believing Virgil wouldn’t try and reassure him with those ridiculous odds again.
“They’re as good as, Virg!” Gordon hadn’t meant to raise his voice. He knew his brother was only trying to help in the best way he could, but the pain was still raw and Gordon didn’t want to think about possibilities. “Don’t give me hope only to take it away again.”
“I’m giving you facts.”
“The fact is,” Gordon shuffled himself a little higher in his bed, ignoring the protest from his lower spine, “that no-one knows what the fuck is going to happen because I shouldn’t even be here! I should have died in that wreck, but for some unknown, Godforsaken reason, I’m still here and I wish I wasn’t!”
Gordon had never once regretted speaking to any of his brothers. He’d never once regretted choosing to open up to them, least of all Virgil, but as he sat there, taking in his brother’s horrified expression at his claim, Gordon regretted ever opening his mouth at all.
He didn’t let up. He couldn’t. To apologise or to backtrack would only offer two choices: Virgil would either accept his outburst as a mistake and not take any action, or he wouldn’t buy the act and would begin to put an action plan in place to tackle Gordon’s supposed way of thinking. Gordon wasn’t sure which option was worse.
So he continued.
“If it was you, Virgil… if you suddenly lost the ability to use your hands, your fingers, and now your painting and your piano playing was just a distant memory of what you could once do, how the fuck would you feel?”
He wasn’t sure what Virgil was thinking as he just stared at his younger brother. He wasn’t sure if any answer was going to be given, let alone an honest one. All of those doubts dissipated when Virgil leant forward. His elbows rested on the sheets of the bed, his hands holding as best he could onto one of Gordon’s casts.
“I would fight because the alternative isn’t better than this. That is never better than having some sort of life, Gordon. Death is death, but life… No matter how bad it seems now, life has variables and possibilities, and you should never wish for anything else.”
Gordon didn’t bother trying to hold back the tears any longer. He knew Virgil was right, but accepting that meant accepting a whole lot more pain.
“I’m too tired, Virg.” He whispered, head hanging lowly in defeat and shame.
“Don’t say that. Don’t say that when you’ve still got fight left in you, Gordon. I know you have.” Virgil tilted Gordon’s chin upwards with two gentle fingers. “You’re a Tracy. We don’t give up. So long as you are alive, there is hope, whether you think it’s worth believing in or not. So long as you are alive, you can fight, even if you believe you’re too tired to keep going. So long as you are alive, I will help you as much as I can because you are my brother and I’d much rather have to wait on you hand and foot than attend another gravestone, okay?”
It wasn’t a question to ask whether Gordon understood.
It was a question to ask whether Gordon would accept that unspoken promise.
“We take each day as it comes, but we never give up. So long as you are alive, Gordon, promise me that you will never give up.”
“I’m not great at promises, Virg, but…”
He trailed off his sentence, hoping his brother understood that he would try.
Trying was all he had left to give.
#thundertober 2023#thunderbirds fanfiction#five fics#gordon tracy#virgil tracy#thunderbirds are go#tw: sucidal thoughts#tw: injury#tw: depressive thoughts
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To the poor people who followed me for my two sander sides posts and checking my profile and just seeing me vent...
SORRYYYYY
#😭#Ummm#I'm so sorry#I PROMISE#IM USUALLY HAPPY#ILL BE FINE IN A BIT#MY DEPRESSION IS HITTING HARD#SORRYYYY#sanders sides#roman sanders#logan sanders#virgil sanders#patton sanders#thomas sanders
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My dad never speaks to me, but when he did today was just to provide the perfectly on spot comment triggering my depressive thoughts.
I'm now writing the most angsty piece of Troy fic I ever wrote instead of the request I wanted to finish.
#and it of course involves hector#because everytime i'm rock bottom down i somehow end up writing hector fics#he is the companion of my depression#like virgil guiding dante through hell
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wish i could travel back in time to talk to 15 year old me and ask her how she managed to write so much without having a semblance of an organization system
girly howww were you keyboard smashing titles of files and still writing thousands of words and somehow remembering all these ideas
#virgil chats#i'm sure free time had lots to do with it#but how. how can i distill her essence#what was she smoking#aside from depression what was she high on#what secrets did she hold
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Sides as Sonic characters? Heck yea I'm too tired to draw rn but hear me out
Virgil as a raccoon
Logan as an owl
Patton as a sheep
Janus as a snake (duh)
Remus and Roman as springhares
#i gotta draw them when i have the motivation fffff#virgil would be the cutest little raccoon so grumpy it's adorable#ive been depressed af but like tryna cheer myself up w more dumb niche stuff#being cringe on main by combining my two hyperfixations#not sure if the twins will stay as springhares but i wanted some kinda rodent#coz like mice are both fairytale-esque but also a common fear#cas speaks
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“Expressing an unhealthy amount of concern.”
#sanders sides#logan sanders#virgil sanders#isn’t it fun how virgil takes insults from logan way more seriously than the others#the answer is no it’s depressing#analogical angst#I’m pretty sure I’m flooding the analogical tag already so I don’t wanna tag it with angst lol
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to everyone with depression who is going to therapy and working on themselves or for everyone who replaced certain online stuff they were obsessed with for the healthy socializing and survival things.
you're doing it! congratulations! i'm so proud of you, your on your way to the other side! be happy! don't feel guilty, we were rooting for you.
you're not leaving your past behind, you're doing things better for yourself. you are not leaving us behind, you are making us happy because one of us there means more of us there.
you did it. you did it.
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anyone here remember Virgil and Valentine? should i bring them back? (Plot twist, theres also a new character in the mix of them: Everheart.)
I have 100,000 words written about them right now which is a lot more than i thought i had. before i started writing this post i thought i was still in the 10,000 words part like- GIRL. I NEVER WROTE SOMETHING THAT WAS OVER 45,000 HOW ARE WE HERE. WE'RE ONLY IN ACT 2 AND THERES 3 OTHER ACTS THAT WE GOTTA GET THROUGH HUH.
oki anyways i did use a specific method to get that many words but oof. i did. not. expect that augh i didn't even think it'd be 10,000 words but AUASDLGHASDFLJS oki anyway <3 AND IT DIDN'T EVEN TAKE THAT LONG ONLY LIKE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND ???? GURL.
anyways this post derailed fast but AAAAA so very excited. gonna publish this book when im done tehe. anyways i'll prolly prost an animatic or something about the three of them or whatnot and that'll be fun :>>>
update: nvm im half asleep and dumb i was looking at character number not word count :( its only 20,000 ish not 100,000 augh <3 only in my dreams.
#oc's#virgil mishap (oc)#now renamed to Virgil Lamb#Val Valentine (OC)#Now renamed to Valkyrie Everheart#and ROSEALIND EVERHEART#i love her <3#shes so silly#semi inspired by anya from mouthwashing (but from curlys perspective not Jimbos)#anyways i'm writing a book about them all#<3#technically already wrote the book but im on the second draft and changed the whole plot so im like#rewriting it :>#i literally wrote this book during CLASS.#thats how easy it was like what.#aughslajfljasf#anyways i no longer am depressed#because i accidentally wrote a book#writing tips#update im dumb but still 20000 words isn't bad for 2/5ths of a book
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i want to talk about better luck tomorrow sooo bad
#mine#i love how sad and disturbing and nostalgic it was#the ending is awful but i still kind of love it#virgil’s story made me so depressed
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here are my hc's for how each side crys
logan: he is fighting it the whole way through. squeezing his eyes shut, rubbing at his eyes, etc. refuse to admit hes crying and WILL try to flee.
patton: looks so SAD. pouty lip, watery eyes, etc. he INSISTS hes fine all the way through. sobs a lot but very quietly and only in little hic-ups.
roman: WEEPS. WAILS. ETC. he is SO LOUD and DRAMATIC. all or nothing BABYYY. always has the reddest eyes and nose after.
virgil: depends on context. option 1 is just kinda.. depressed crying. laying in bed while tears slowly pour out of his eyes. option 2 is panic attack crying. shrieking sobs, pressing himself into the farthest corner, etc. neither is pretty.
janus: only cries in private, and only when hes bone deep exhausted. its always just this.. almost mournful sobbing. just weeping into his hands like theres nothing else to do. good at putting himself back together after.
remus: angry crier. his sobs are wretched and ragged. will usually end up cursing out whoever tries to comfort him. bangs his fist on their chest if they try to hold him.
#tss#sanders sides#virgil sanders#logan sanders#patton sanders#remus sanders#roman sanders#janus sanders#ts sides#analoceits rambling
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