#denver green mile

[blakkauldron]

Flower: Headgasket

Hybrid 50/50

Concentrate: Bio💨Glu

Shatter

Hybrid Sativa Dominant

✨

[ballwzrd]

Jeff Green

[my-proof-is-you]

Now That We Don’t Talk - Part 1

Summary: When you started dating Jensen Ackles, things were damn near perfect. You were so compatible, and you fit into his life seamlessly. After Supernatural ended, though, Jensen got a new job. Pretty soon, Jensen also got a new life. And you no longer fit in it.

Jensen x You

Inspired by the song Now That We Don’t Talk by Taylor Swift

Masterlist

You

You sat the last box down in your living room with a grunt. You’d been lugging boxes into your new apartment all day, and you were exhausted. You let your tired body fall back onto the couch, sinking into the soft cushions. 

You looked around the room filled with cardboard and the few pieces of furniture you had. You could feel the tears threatening to fill your eyes, and bit your lip to stop them. You pulled out your phone, tapping the name of the only person you could think to call at that moment. 

“Hi, baby, how are you doing?” your mom answered on the second ring.

You sighed. “I’ve been better,” you replied, rubbing a hand down your face.

“This really is for the best, you know?” she said, and you could almost picture the sympathetic look she’d have on her face. 

“Is it? Cause right now it feels just…horrible.”

“Yes, Y/N, it is. He changed, and you are not the only one who noticed.”

You sighed again. “Thanks, Momma. I better get unpacking. Love you.”

“Love you too, Bug. Pour yourself a glass of wine and just try to relax.”

You smiled as you hung up. Your mom truly was your best friend. You’d called her right after you broke up with Jensen and she’d talked you through it the best she could from nearly a thousand miles away. 

After you’d moved to Austin to be with Jensen, you saw your mom a lot less than you’d liked. It was tempting to move back home after the breakup, but you had a job that you really loved, and you just couldn’t bring yourself to leave it. 

You had friends nearby, too. The only problem was that Jensen was the one who introduced you to them, which made you feel a little uncomfortable. Gen had already reached out to you. She’d left a message wanting to get together to hang out. You hadn’t responded yet. You just weren’t sure if you could handle the inevitable conversation she’d want to have about the breakup.

You pulled out your corkscrew and a wine glass from your box labeled “kitchen” and opened the bottle of white wine you’d gotten on your quick grocery trip earlier in the day. As you took your first sip, you sat down again and let your mind wander to the beginnings of your relationship with Jensen. 

Two Years Earlier - You

It had been by chance that you’d met the green-eyed actor at a coffee shop in your small town of Salida, Colorado. He’d been on his way home from a fan convention in Denver and had taken a wrong turn. He’d wanted to make the long drive alone to clear his head, and you’d learn later how stubborn he was about using the GPS on his phone. 

He’d come into the coffee shop you frequented to get some caffeine and directions. You’d recognized him, of course, since you were a fan of Supernatural. You’d always kept up with the show, but you weren’t a big enough fan to have gone to the convention. 

“Excuse me, miss,” you heard, looking up from your laptop in surprise. Though you’d noticed him enter the shop immediately, you’d never expected him to talk to you. 

“I’m on my way back to Texas, and I think I’m a little lost. I don’t have any service on my phone, but I’m using the Wi-Fi here to look at Google Maps.”

You nodded, listening to his explanation while still wondering why he was talking to you of all people. 

“Can you take a look and tell me if this is a good route back to I-25?” he asked, giving you a dazzling smile. You returned it, and took his phone. 

“Sure,” you said, looking at the route his phone was going to take him. It looked fine, which only added to your confusion at the question he was asking you. Surely the app could tell Jensen what the fastest or easiest route was.

“That is a good option,” you said, handing him his phone back. “And when you go through Trinidad, there’s a great little barbecue place off Main Street you should check out. Awesome pulled pork and even better cheese fries.”

He nodded, his eyes surprised. “Thanks—“ he paused, stretching out his hand in an invitation to shake yours.

“Y/N,” you responded, placing your hand in his calloused one.

“Y/N,” he repeated. “I’m Jensen.” 

“I know,” you said with a smirk. He let out a chuckle and stood there for another moment, as if deciding something. 

“Would it be weird if I asked to buy you a cup of coffee?” he asked finally.

“Hmm, I have coffee,” you replied, glancing at the paper cup in front of you. He seemed to deflate a little, and you quickly continued. “But I would love a scone.”

He smiled again, giving you a wink as he headed to the counter. After he bought your scone and his own coffee, he returned to your table where he asked if he could join you.

You made small talk for a little bit. You told him you liked his show; he asked you about your life in Salida; you joked easily with each other. Before you knew it, a couple of hours had gone by. 

“Well, I really should get going. I have a long drive ahead of me,” Jensen said, leaning back in his chair. 

“Yeah, good idea,” you responded. You had really enjoyed your talk with him, even if it was just a random moment in your life and you never saw him again.

“Do you think I could see you again?” he asked, looking a little nervous. It was very cute, especially since he was a famous actor. 

“Might be a little tough, what with living a thousand miles apart,” you said with a smirk. You saw his shoulders sink a little. “How about I give you my number. If you ever want to talk, I’ll answer.”

“Hmm,” he said, nodding. “It’s not ideal, but I’ll take what I can get, sweetheart.” 

You smiled coyly and put your number in his phone. “It was great to meet you, Jensen. I hope we meet again.”

“Oh, I think we will, Y/N,” he said confidently. You shook your head with a smile as he backed away from the table and out the door.  I will never hear from him again, you thought as you watched him get into his car that was parked on the street. Little did you know, one day later he would prove you wrong.

Forevers:

@divadinag @lynne1993 @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce​  @onethirstyunicorn @sammykb1994 @lilulo-12 @mellorine-paprika @tranquility-or-chaos @collette04 @hoboal87 @chevyharvelle @miraclesoflove @defenderrosetyler @babypink224221 @calaofnoldor @beatifuldisaster018 @coffeebooksandfandom @supernatural3002 @lainxcas @mylovelydame21 @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @lovely-lynns-likes @ppeachygemss @screechingartisancashbailiff @metalfangirl @vicmc624 @polina-93 @hobby27 @sexyvixen7 @unnuevosoltransformalarealidad @lyarr24 @amelia-song-pond @donnaintx @spnbaby-67 @traceyaudette @gh0stgurl @fiftyshadesgrl @tapedeck-hearts @lacilou @foxyjwls007 @stoneyggirl2

[labrxnth]

BoC Chapter 2: Distant Beaches (Leon x Reader Series)

In flower language, a cornflower means "Be careful with me, please, I'm delicate"

Tag List:

WC: 3261

CWs: some heinous forced father figure shit, human experimentation, PTSD, kidnapping, cannon level body horror, cannon level swearing and violence, body comparison.

AN: I chose to go with Leon's original backstory because fuck you. Also I'm in love with the idea of him being hungover during RE2. It makes everything so much worse lmao.

If you want to be on the tag list, comment and it'll be done.

Spotify Link: Listen along to the playlist I've curated for this fanfic

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* : ｡ﾟ☆. ───

“So this is what you’re up to?” You asked, your eyes on the booklet in his hand. 

The dark, sinister hallway that had your stomach in knots wasn’t easy to look at. Walls covered in water staining and blood echoed like a chamber. The floors were covered in mystery liquid, one you weren’t gonna ask about. The notebook in Leon’s hand was easier to look at, the question was to get the uneasiness out of your head. 

“Yeah,” Leon answered, his eyes flickering between the book and forward, as if waiting for something to jump out at the two of you. The hallway was dimly lit from his flashlight, adding to his growing suspense. 

Looking at him, you could tell the signs of someone in denial and trying to juggle multiple things at once.

“Do you want me to keep track of the booklet?” You asked. You had been brought up to help people, engineered to do the exact same thing. Over the past 9 years, you were told how helpful you were, how good you were. 

“I can’t ask you to do that, you focus on that ankle,” Leon said and pocketed the notebook. You made sure to take note of where he put the small booklet. His right back pocket.

One question you had on your mind since venturing out from the room you met in was at the forefront, begging to be asked. 

“Is this what the world looks like now?” You asked, your eyes on the ceiling, seeing the different stains and wiring showing, sparking. You remembered the neon, the smell of hairspray, not this. 

“I guess. I don’t know what’s going on here, but my only guess is that it’s only here that’s affected. At least in Denver it’s not like this,” He replied. He stopped walking and shook his head a little bit, then continued to walk. “At least when I left, it wasn’t like this,” He added. 

Denver, you remembered that name. It was the capital of a state, unfortunately you couldn’t remember which one. Trying to remember social studies from 9 years ago was like trying to remember a piece of information so deep in your mind that it wouldn't budge. 

You were trying to figure out how to ask for more information without revealing too much, but the sound of your foot slipping caught your attention. 

Hands were suddenly on your arms, making you sturdy and upright again. Leon’s face was inches from yours as the flashlight illuminated a random wall from him grabbing you. 

“Careful, can’t have you spraining that other ankle,” He said, looking over you to make sure you were okay. 

You were miles away, the sudden touch, or rather grab, was all too familiar to you. Leon meant it in goodwill, but you were used to people jostling you around, moving you at their own will and want. In place of Leon, you saw David, his eyes leering down at you. 

“Be a good girl for me, Thirteen,” He said, a snarl on his face as a syringe was in his hand. He held you with one arm, forcing you to stay still as the large needle with your usual sleeping medication got closer to you. 

You had to get out, you had to break free, don’t let the needle touch you, get out from his grip, don’t touch me-

“Hey, you okay?” You were brought back to reality by another voice, one that was starting to be familiar. As you blinked, the white walls and floors melted back to the dark blue and hazy green atmosphere of the place you were in. 

Leon’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked at you with concern. His blue eyes searched you over, checking you for any sign of hurt. 

“Y-yeah,” You managed to say, your voice cracking. “Just startled is all…” Your heart sped up as adrenaline entered your body. Lying didn’t come easily to you, it never did. You were hoping that Leon didn’t catch the unevenness of your tone and how clammy your hands had gotten. 

He seemed to believe you, or at least think it would be too much to call you out on the lie. Leon nodded and let go of you, turning back to facing forward. “Watch your step, there’s blood and worse everywhere,” He said and continued walking. 

“...Blood?” You asked, finally looking down at what you had slipped on. Sure enough, painting the tiled floor was thick streams of crimson red. Your eyes widened as you saw the blood now on your bare feet. Vomit threatened to come up and you started slightly shaking. 

You weren’t used to seeing blood. Everything in the Umbrella lab was clean, you never saw blood there. 

Leon turned to look at you, as if sensing you stopping. The flashlight turned to you and he took in your expression. 

“We gotta keep moving, there’s a locker room up ahead, we can find you some better clothes and some shoes there,” He said.

“Why is there…” You said, trailing off. 

To Leon’s credit, he picked up on what was happening quickly. He walked back to you and held out a hand to you. 

Your eyes focused on his hand, then flicked up to his eyes, seeing compassion in them. 

“The quicker we move, the quicker we can get out of here,” He said softly. 

You nodded and reached out to his hand. You remembered something like this, this was normal, people held hands all the time. Flashes of memories of your parents, your friends, and you holding hands. Whether it was during a game, or leading you through something, it was normal. This was a normal thing.

Leon’s hand softly grabbed yours, lacing your fingers together. The familiarity of soft human contact, a touch not expecting anything in return was enough to bring you back. Before all of this. 

Looking up to Leon, he wasn’t Leon anymore. A middle aged man with black hair and blue eyes stood in front of you. He was two times your size, tall and wide. He smelled of the Ocean. His eyes looked at you lovingly and his smile had a chipped tooth from eating ice. 

Dad. My dad. 

“Come on sunshine, I got you,” He said and held your hand, walking you to a stall that was so much taller than you. 

The smell of high tide filled your nose and the squawk of seagulls could be heard all around you. Looking down, you saw the usual dark brown wooden planks that were waterlogged. You remembered this place. 

The beach. 

Your dad crouched down to your height and pointed at the stall, then the worker. “Tell the nice ice cream man what flavor you want,” He said, smiling at you. You could feel the hand patting your back, encouraging you to speak. 

This was what an actual father was supposed to be. This is what you had been ripped from, forced to forget. 

Your dad looked at you. “____, tell him. I know you can do it, honey,” He said softly. What was supposed to be your name was static, even your memories couldn’t remember your old identity. Who you were born to be. 

Suddenly, his expression changed and he stood back up. “_____, I have to take care of something. I’m gonna leave you alone for a bit, but I’ll be back,” He said. 

“Joan, I’m gonna leave you alone for a bit, but I’ll be back,” Leon said, his voice bringing you back to your present again. That’s twice today, that was a new record. 

You were so used to surviving in Umbrella that you didn't have the luxury of memories. That, and the memory serum they pumped in you did its job in suppressing them. 

“Okay,” You said and nodded, barely processing what he said. The two of you were in a small outlet of a hallway, Leon looking around the corner. Your hands were still entangled in each other, the warmth spreading up your arm. 

“Give me two minutes and I’ll be back,” He said, looking back at you. 

“What if you’re not?” You asked nervously. Having a backup was something you had learned to have over the many years of failing escape. 

“I’ll be back, I’m not leaving you alone in here,” Leon said, getting a little closer to you. “Don’t worry, I’ve fought these things before, I know how to kill them,” He added. 

Your eyes widened at his words. 

Things…. 

Kill? 

“What?” You asked, your mind reeling trying to figure out what he meant. 

Leon looked at you, confused for a second, then he realized something. “You have no clue about the outbreak,” He said. It wasn’t a question, he was telling you. Stating it. 

“Outbreak?” You said. You remembered David’s words from when you left the facility, "Birkin messed with something." You had a sense that whatever was going on, this Birkin was responsible. 

Leon looked at the floor, trying to figure out how to explain it. “So, we’re currently in the middle of a zombie outbreak. I don’t know why and I don’t know what causes it, but the dead aren’t actually dead,” He said, looking at you. His eyes looked at you like he expected you to freak out. 

“O…kay?” You said, not really getting as hung up on it as Leon expected you to. For the past nine years you were surrounded by scientists who fucked around with human biology, you weren’t really surprised that the dead could come back to life. 

“You’re taking this way better than I guessed you would,” Leon said. He let go of your hand to cross his arms. His eyes looked at you, a hint of untrust in them. 

“I grew up around biologists,” You offered as an explanation. He took it as the truth, out of convenience. 

“When we make it out of here, I’m never touching another bottle of alcohol ever again,” He grumbled and checked the gun he was holding. “Two minutes,” He said and nodded to you. 

You nodded in agreement and watched him go around the corner. After a few seconds, you heard gunshots and a yelp, then bodies hitting the floor. 

Soon enough, the ashy blonde hair of your new companion came around the corner and he looked at you. “It’s clear,” He said. 

You nodded and went to walk, but instead his hand reached out to you again. As if missing the feeling of the warmth between the two of you, you took it almost immediately. 

“Hold on,” Leon said, not moving. He got closer to you and his eyes met you. As he got closer, you could see the blood spurts on his face, making you flinch a bit. 

“I need you to close your eyes, okay?” He asked. 

“Uh okay,” You said quietly and squeezed your eyes shut. For some reason, you knew you could trust him. Maybe he was the only person you thought you could trust. That idea scared you, the idea of trust was one you weren’t used to anymore. 

Leon guided you through the hallway, lightly pulling your hand forward. Looking back, he noticed how awkward and slowly you moved through the hallway even with his guidance. He walked back to you and went to put his other arm around your back. 

“Is it okay if I help you?” He asked gently. You nodded in reply and felt his hand on your higher back. Instead of the dread you assumed the touch would bring, it brought peace and assurance. 

After a few minutes of walking, you heard a door open after the warmth of Leon’s hand disappeared. Then, you walked through a doorway onto a different feeling floor. 

“You can open your eyes,” Leon said. 

You opened your eyes to the sight of a dimly lit locker room. You watched Leon put something into a terminal and he pressed a few buttons, running to get a newly opened locker. 

“There are uniforms and shoes in that locker, if they fit it’ll make this easier,” He sighed as he sat down and held his head with his hands. 

If Leon had been fighting all day long, it was no wonder he was tired. Anyone would keel over at this point. 

“I picked the worst day to come in,” He grumbled. 

As your hands found the locker Leon was talking about, you noticed what he said. “So you weren’t here when this started?” You asked, wanting to gain more information about what happened, or really what Leon knew. 

“No,” He admitted as he put pouches on his hips. The pouches had the letters R.P.D. written on them.

You found a uniform that looked like it was the closest to your size and took it out of the locker. Holding it up to your body, the navy blue fabric was still too big for your frame. 

It was a size women’s small.

You knew that David and Umbrella kept you malnourished so you were more agreeable and less energetic, but holding the fabric up to your body made you see how small your frame was. It was scary. 

Getting your mind off of comparing yourself to the clothes, you decided to press Leon more. “When did you get here?” You asked. 

“Today. I thought that yesterday was one of the worst days of my life so I decided to come in today. But this is… much worse than what was going on with me,” He sighed and tightened the straps on his pouches and holsters. 

You were quiet, not really knowing if you should press into someone’s personal life. 

“I guess I should tell you, seeing as though I’m now responsible for your safety as well…” He said under his breath. “I had a pretty awful day yesterday, so I’m not the most sober person right now,” He admitted. 

You blankly stared at him, not knowing what he meant. 

“Uh….” He said sheepishly and ran his hand through his hair. “I’m a little hungover right now, but don’t worry, I’ll still get us through this,” He said. 

That…still didn’t clear up what he meant. It was almost like he was speaking a foreign language from your reaction. You just stared blankly at him still. 

Moving onto other matters, you started taking off your scrubs, finally being free of the grubby, smokey fabric. As you did, you heard a yelp come from Leon. 

“Jesus! Let me know next time you do that,” He said, turning to face the wall. You could see the back of his neck and the tips of his ears were pink. 

You went about your business and finished changing. The women’s uniform came with a tanktop, the button up shirt, the pants, and the shoes. 

“A-are you done?” Leon asked, his voice slightly crackling and the pink turning deeper with the voice crack. 

“I think…” You said and looked down. You looked like a toddler trying on their parent’s work clothes. The way the fabric hung loosely would only make you slower, a liability. 

“Here,” Leon said and walked up to you. He crouched down to do something, then looked up at you. “Can I help you with this?” He asked. You nodded and his eyes looked over the uniform. 

He noticed that you had a tanktop on underneath so he got to work undoing the buttons of the shirt. “So, I told you how I got here, how’d you get here?” He asked 

You tried to think of a way to explain your situation. Even if you told the truth, would he believe you? He’d either ignore it, deny it was the truth, or worse turn you in. 

After all, you were property technically. And the longer you were gone, the longer you were technically “stolen”.

Your eyes flicked to the side and you decided to make up a story. “I was at the hospital… I had been for a while,” You said. It wasn’t too far from the truth. 

“Oh,” Leon said softly, his eyes meeting yours. They carried a sympathy that stabbed your heart for lying about being ill. 

“They were transporting me,” You said, looking at the floor. 

“And the helicopter was the one that crashed,” He said, recalling that you told him you were in the helicopter that crashed. 

“Yeah,” 

“Here, hold onto me so I can tie this easier,” He said. You hesitantly wrapped your arms around his neck, loosely, and he got to working on the clothes again. 

Leon had finished making adjustments to your uniform. He took the long sleeves on the button up and used them to tie the shirt around your waist. The pant legs were tucked into your socks and the bandages from your sprained ankle. 

“I’m no seamstress, but I did what I could,” He said. You removed your arms and offered a light smile in thanks. 

“Thanks, these feel better than what I was in,” You said. The feel of a different fabric than the same one you had been wearing for years felt odd. 

Not odd, just weird. 

“I thought as much,” He said. “I picked this up too, my girlfriend used to use them all the time. She would get upset if her hair got in the way of doing things,” He said and held up a hair elastic. 

You used hair elastics a lot, and luckily, this was the type that held your hair the strongest. 

“Thanks,” You said again and took it, putting your hair back and away from your face. This wasn’t the time to worry about looks, this was the time to worry about practicality. 

“Alright, now I feel better about bringing you along with me,” Leon said and smiled at you. “I won’t have to worry about you stepping on glass or anything,” He added. 

“Thank you,” You said again, your eyes meeting his. 

“Thank me when we get out of here,” He said and walked over to the door. “I’d give you a gun or a knife, but I don’t have anything to spare.” He looked at you sympathetically. 

“Don’t worry, I don’t even know how to use either one so it would be lost on me,” You reassured. 

His eyebrows furrowed a bit and he slightly tilted his head. “Really? Not even a knife?” He asked. 

You shook your head in reply. 

“Well then, I’ll just have to teach you when we get out of here. Or earlier if I have to,” He said and put his hand on the doorknob. “You still okay with following me around?” He asked. 

There was no doubt in your mind that Leon was the safest person you could be with right now. He knew where you were, at least more than you did, and he knew how to fight. It would stupid of you to say no. 

“Of course,” You said and nodded. “We’ll make it out of here together,” You added and lightly smiled. 

His concerned look slowly turned into a light smile and he nodded. “Yeah, we will. As long as we stay together, we’ll be okay,” He replied. 

Leon opened the door into the darkness, ready to get out of the locker room and plunge into the dark hallway. Ready to lead the two of you into whatever this hell would throw at him. He was more determined now, because he had someone that depended on him. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* : ｡ﾟ☆. ───

Catch this fic and others on my AO3

[8one6]

Ever since I was in high school (in the before times, in the long, long ago) I had dreamed of taking road trip. Just me, my car (in high school it was a Cadillac Hearse that got absolutely awful gas mileage and high school me used to bitch about gas when it went over a $1 a gallon), and the open road, but I never managed to do it. Sometimes it was money, sometimes it was lack of opportunity, sometimes it was just the fear of doing something new.

In my mid-30s I finally did it and let me tell you it was one of the best experiences of my life.

A few years ago (2022 to be exact) my boss made me take a vacation in the spring (mostly because I had two years of pto from not using it during the lockdown years, but also because he was legitimately concerned with my stress levels, but anyway) and that year I decided to take two weeks to see all three Meow Wolf locations in one big trip. (Convergence Station is the coolest one btw, with Omega-Mart a close second.)

I70 through Kansas is a zen experience if you make the drive at night. Endless fields of stars and farmland, accompanied by whatever podcast you queued up for the drive.

Visited family in Denver, spent a day at Convergence Station, and the drive to Santa Fe was like driving through a postcard!

The House of Eternal Return was neat (IMO it relies a little too much on backstory you can only really get from sitting down and reading a lot of the SCP-style documents lying around the house, but unless you rented the entire place for the day you're competing with dozens of other people who are also trying to read the same thing.), I stayed at this cool, fully restored Route 66 vintage motel called the El Rey Court (A++, would stay again), and then I was off to Las Vegas.

There's a trick i40 plays on you. You'll be driving through some incredibly beautiful but still harsh desert wasteland (I passed more than one husk of an abandoned building on that stretch of highway) and then all of a sudden you're in a lush green forest. It was seriously as close to passing from one Minecraft biome to another as you can get in real life. (I also stopped at Meteor Crater National Landmark. It was cool.)

Just outside of Vegas I got two incredibly singular experiences. The first was seeing a tumbleweed in real life for the first time. I swear, I was alone in my car and I said out loud "Holy shit they're real!!!" The second was driving through an actual sand storm. In hindsight I should have pulled over and let it pass, but no one else on the road was doing it, so I just crawled through it at 30mph.

I spent a few nights in Las Vegas. Visited Omega-Mart (super cool, I recommend it), watched Blue Man Group (also very cool, also highly recommend), got to see a Penn & Teller show live (a fucking dream of mine since I was a little kid!!!), and had the best meal of my life.

Honestly, before that trip if you told me there was a difference between a $20 steak from Longhorn and a $100 steak from an actual steak restaurant I'd have called bullshit. I was in Las Vegas, I figured "This is likely the last time I'll take a trip like this, fuck it, why not splurge."

Oh my sweet raptor christ! The $100 steak was worth every cent!

What followed was a day of driving through beautiful parts of Nevada, Utah, and Colorado, including the most nerve-wracking stretch of highway through the mountains (literally through them in one spot. The Eisenhower tunnel is a little more than a mile and a half of tunnel bored straight through the spine of the Americas). A brief stop to sleep, and then 14 hours straight on home.

It was a fantastic trip. Two weeks away from home, from work, from any responsibility, the first time off since 2019. Two weeks of moving to my own schedule and crossing things off of the bucket list.

[packernet]

New Post has been published on https://www.packernet.com/blog/2024/08/19/packers-hit-a-speed-bump-in-denver/

Packers hit a speed bump in Denver

The glorious training camp the Green Bay Packers have been having finally hit a little speed bump in the Packers visit to the Mile High City. While it’s only the preseason and it was backups against starters, it was nonetheless a dreadful performance. Especially after last week’s performance in Cleveland.

Head coach Matt LaFleur was not very happy and said he would take a long hard look and everyone and everything. It was that kind of week in Denver. Jordan Love and the Packers’ starters were shut down in the two teams joint practice last Friday so it wasn’t just the backups that got beat up.

This is a Broncos’ defense that gave up 70 points to the Dolphins early last but rebounded to be one of the league’s best by season’s end. They shut down the Packers last year in the Packers 19-17 loss in Denver. I’m sure the Packers will be more than happy to not see that city again for a long time.

I’m not too concerned about the backup quarterback situation yet. I think Sean Clifford will win the job but he better look a lot better in the preseaon finale Saturday in Lambeau. Michael Pratt hasn’t shown enough in the games to think they can’t keep him on the practice squad. The depth on offensive line is what is concerning. They are the guys protecting the franchise and the second team has not looked all that great thus far.

This is a big week for a lot of guys so the practice and game should be intense. And then we have to wait two weeks for the opener. So stupid.

[doomandgloomfromthetomb]

Rosali - Tulips, Fort Worth, Texas, May 16, 2022

People! In exactly one week, Rosali is kicking off her BITE DOWN Tour ... in Denver, of all places! As I think I mentioned, I'll be there, opening up the show with my band Prairiewolf. An honor, a privilege, etc. It's a stacked bill, with the great cosmic country rockers Color Green playing, too. There will be no better way to spend a Tuesday night in the Mile High City — I personally guarantee it. (And hey, if you want to come out, Prairiewolf has some tickets to sell that don't have any pesky extra fees. Get in touch if you want one!)

Bite Down, coming out on March 22, is Rosali's latest and, in my opinion, greatest LP. I've been describing it to people as Chrissie Hynde & Crazy Horse, which is probably a little on-the-nose, but I'll stand by it. With David Nance and co. providing backing that balances wild abandon with searing precision, it's an instant classic. It's also Rosali's first release on Merge Records, so I'm expecting her to be headlining much bigger venues very soon.

Don't take my word for it, here's Dan Bejar: "Bite Down makes me think about singers and bands that throw themselves hard into the storm, the way the Rosali quartet does. … The calm of her voice over top of the band’s raging—it is the emblem of songs that live to put themselves in harm’s way. But it’s not harm. It’s just that you have to play hard to get at these goods. The calm of Rosali’s voice, the straight talk of her inner search vs. the wildness of the band, the sonic storm she rides in on. That’s their sound."

Yes. And hey, click the link above to check out Rosali opening for Dan's Destroyer a few years back — a short/sweet set, a whole lotta lightning.

[whatimdoing-here]

We were supposed to fly to Denver to visit my mother in law today but it got canceled as soon as we got to the airport. Got a refund and decided (well I insisted cause I wasn't about to fork over an EXTRA $1300 to fly to Kate tonight) to drive. And honestly, the drive across Kansas on i70, I forget how much I like it. People say it's boring flyover land, and it is, but it's really green and I love being able to see for tens of miles.

[hellodenisestuff]

Sept 10-17, 2023

I had planned to write this blog on Substack but it got too complicated for me so I will continue these African Adventure posts on Tumblr.com.

This will be the journey to Kenya to participate in the volunteer program of African Impact in the Pardamat conservancy of the Kenya National Wildlife Reserve, Masai Mara.

What a long journey from Hawaii to Kenya. Fortunately I have a very good friend, Maggie, in Pacific who I get to visit when I am passing through San Francisco. I stayed two nights in her delightful company and rested up before the long flight to Kenya.

I arrived several days several days after I was exposed to Covid at work. I wore a mask on the flight but where 5 days had passed we thought we were safe, which proved to be true, but I was not fully comfortable till the 14th day had passed. I never got it. Hooray! Those around me could breathe a sigh of relief as well. I am vaccinated up to the gills so maybe that saved me?

Anyway, I digress. i flew KLM. airways which is marvelous. Great service. Seems they were always offering food or drink or hot towels. I watched 4 movies on the first leg which ended in Amsterdam for a three hour layover.

Because I get wheelchair service, I did not find my friend Joanne who was also traveling on the same flight to our destination in Kenya till we were ready to board the next flight for the final leg of our journey.

We got in somewhere around 10:30 PM after an aborted landing because there was debris on the landing strip! Finally after circling and losing our place in the landing line we did so.

Went thru the usual immigration and customs, again not seeing Joanne. I went outside and waited and waited, and was getting worried. A nice young soldier asked what I needed and he called the man who was to-pick us up, who was with Bonfire Adventures and tours. He found us and we waited some more. Finally Joanne appeared and we walked to the car and were driven to Masai Lodge near the town of Rongai. It is on the Southern border of the National Park. The drive took over an hour. The last 3 miles over an horrendous dirt road. We arrived around 1 AM pooped but happy to be back in Kenya.

We love that lodge. It. is mainly for the local people. Despite its name, it is run primarily by Samburu people. the Samburu are cousins to the Maasai. The lodge looks out over the Nairobi Game Park. Animals come into the large green area below the lodge which sits on a hill. There we see warthogs, antelope and baboons. There are tree hyrax and rock hyrax busy in the surrounding areas. The tree hyrax are quite used to people. Cute little creatures resembling a bunny without the long ears.

The 4 nights at the lodge allowed us to get over jet lag and start to get used to the altitude. It is like Denver, a mile high.

I was able to visit my dear friend, Dr. Paul Sayer, my colleague from teaching at the veterinary School in Nairobi back in 1967-1969. It was delightful to be with him and catch up on our lives and reminisce about the old days. (See-my book African Sojourns on Amazon.com to see what we did back then…)

The next day Joanne and I went to visit her friend, Rachel Kabue, who founded and runs The Cat Sanctuary in Nairobi. There are about 170 cats there now as she found homes for close to 130 of the most fit ones recently. Some there are very thin, and I fear may have some sort of blood parasite or Feline leukemia. However most are quite fit; they are all sweet and get along. She also has rescued a few dogs who live together with the cats. It is scrupulously clean with no odor.

Rachel, Some of the cats and dogs, Denise and friend, and Joanne and another rescue.

I spent one day sleeping a lot. Another day we had a guided walk by a Samburu man in full regalia looking very exotic and handsome in his colorful short dress like outfit with knee high socks and beaded ornaments and carrying the spear in case we ran into any aggressive animals. As it happened we only saw Impala and some monkeys and baboons. We met up with two Masai gentlemen in Western clothes who ran a nearby lodge and were friendly and fun. They all wanted photos which Joanne took but I have not got them right now. Will send next time.

The African Impact Driver came for us to transport us to Brackenhurst Conference Center in the Highlands in a town called Limuru. It is at 7000 feet so it has rather brisk evenings. It always tickles me when there, as after dinner, I come back to a bed with a hot water bottle in it. There we rested till the next morning where we would start out at 8:30 AM for the long drive to Pardamat.

I will write more tomorrow about the first week at the volunteer placement.

[sagehqs]

if you’re hearing BEFORE THE WORLD WAS BIG by GIRLPOOL playing, you have to know SAGE OGLE (SHE/THEY; FEMME-QUEER) is near by! the 29 year old LIBRARIAN AND CLERK AT FINDERS KEEPERS has been in denver for, like, FOUR YEARS. they’re known to be quite FRAGILE, but being COMPASSIONATE seems to balance that out. or maybe it’s the fact that they resemble FLORENCE PUGH. personally, i’d love to know more about them seeing as how they’ve got those ECLECTIC, HOMEY, HANDPICKED, AND FOLKY vibes. and maybe i’ll get my chance if i hang out around the UNIVERSITY DISTRICT long enough! 

full name: Sage Aubrey Ogle. | nicknames: aubs (always looking for more). | gender and pronouns: femme-queer, she/they. | age: twenty-nine. | sexuality: bisexual. | date of birth: june 26. | sun sign: cancer ( loyal, creative, sensitive, insecure. ) | moon sign: gemini ( childish, witty, impulsive, outgoing. ) | rising sign: capricorn ( hardworking, honest, sensitive, ambitious. ) | tarot birth card: strength. | place of birth:  charleston, west virginia. | occupation: librarian at the denver public library and clerk at finders keepers thrift store.

she can be found in the last drops of rain hitting hot pavement, soft greens and purples that blend together in the heat of parties, dissonant but purposeful notes in punk songs, awkward lyrics that paint too many stories at once, the aglet barely hanging onto worn out shoelaces that hang onto even more worn out sneakers, and the moment of peace you get when you walk into your apartment after a busy day at work

Sage Ogle was born in a local Charleston, WV hospital -- the air was out, the room humid, and her parents immediately doting on her as she wails her first cries.

They grew up in creek (crick) beds and foothills. Poison ivy was normal and chamomile treatments were well-known every summer. Childhood was filled with puddles, treehouses, and lightning bug earrings.

Deep in the woods in a tucked-away house, she could do what she wanted when school wasn't in session. Most of the time she grabbed a book and curled up under a walnut tree in her backyard -- occasionally opening a nut when she got hungry and dinner wasn't ready yet. Her closest neighbors were half a mile away but loved when she came bearing gifts of cornbread or fresh-baked pie. Most of the time she played with their kids, helped clean up afterward, and came running back home just as the sunset.

As a child she wanted to fit in with everyone, to find space for each person that she could -- which created a bit of a chameleon with no distinct set of self. Her friends were all over the place, which put her at odds with different groups during respective dramas -- but in the end she was always a mediator for them and gave some positive solution. Except for her cousins Daisy and Jeb -- they still don't talk and she truly believes they never will.

This lack of affinity for self left her at quite the crossroads once she graduated from WVU with a degree in English and a minor in gender and sexuality studies -- she didn't know who she was, or what she wanted in life. Hell -- they hardly even knew who they were.

Eventually they figured a big move, a big chop, and a big change was needed. They sold everything they ever owned, bought a beat-up SUV, and trailed their way across the states until the car eventually broke down in Denver. Instead of getting the car fixed, she sold it to the first person who asked about it, used her savings and car money to rent a dinky little apartment in the Montebello District, and began her life in Colorado.

They immediately got a job at Finders Keepers and started to grow in Denver. It wasn't long after that they landed their gig at the library, too. Now they're involved with the city and they know what's going on. The library isn't just for books, it's a place where all people go to learn, a place for resources, and a place for shelter.

After a year and a half in Denver she moved a little closer to the library and upgraded her housing to the university district.

Every day she thinks about applying for grad school, going into library science or public administration -- but every day she settles for the status quo and keeps her safety in routine.

wanted connections: I'm so up for anything! Partners in crime that post radical book displays in the library. A distraction that comes into the thrift store and causes a line. Activist pal that won't skip a beat about protesting with them. A mentor with blurred lines after a night at the bar. The bad taste in her mouth after a bad hook up. I'm here for it all, let's goooo.

[jwood718]

A makeshift tribute with at the site of a mass shooting in Colorado Springs.  Jack Dempsey/AP

Richard Luscombe writing for The Guardian on the victims at Club Q:

Daniel Aston, 28

Bartender and resident entertainer Daniel called himself the “master of silly business” for his performances for the club’s patrons.  As a child in Tulsa, Oklahoma, he always wanted to make people laugh and cheer, his mother, Sabrina Aston, told the Associated Press. His repertoire included wearing silly hats and writing plays acted by neighborhood kids.

After coming out as transgender, he attended Northeastern State University in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, and became president of its LGBTQ+ club, his mother said.  He reveled in his act at Club Q, where his identity was allowed to breathe, according to his parents. “He lit up a room, always smiling, always happy and silly,” Mrs Aston said.

“I keep thinking it’s a mistake, they made a mistake, and that he is really alive. It’s just a nightmare that you can’t wake up from.”

Kelly Loving, 40

Kelly was on a weekend trip from her home in Denver when she was killed, friends said. The outgoing 40-year-old had just spoken to one friend on the phone before going to the nightclub.  “She was loving, always trying to help the next person out instead of thinking of herself. She just was a caring person. I was really close with her,” sister Tiffany Loving told the New York Times.

Natalee Skye Bingham said she became friends with Kelly when they lived in Florida years previously, and had been FaceTiming her immediately before the attack.  “I’m so devastated because she was such a good person. She was going to be at my house for Thanksgiving, now it’s one less person at my table.”  Bingham said her friend, who had only recently moved to Denver, the Colorado state capital, was “a tough woman”.

“She taught me how it was to be a trans woman and live your life day to day,” she said.

Derrick Rump, 38

Another bartender killed in the attack, Derrick, was described by friends as “a staple” of the LGBTQ+ nightclub.  “When I went to Club Q, Derrick was going to be there, guaranteed, every time,” his friend Anthony Jaramillo told CBS News.

“Loving, supportive, with a heavy hand in his drink pouring, and just a really good listener and would not be afraid to tell you when you were wrong instead of telling you what you wanted to hear, and that was really valuable.”

Derrick was originally from Berks county, Pennsylvania, but found a home in Colorado Springs and welcomed club-goers with the same warmth he would show his own family, colleagues said.  Jaramillo said he was devastated by the loss of his friend. “I guess I’m just waiting for someone to be like, ‘Oh, it’s the wrong Derrick’,” he said.

Ashley Paugh, 35

A sister said Ashley and a friend decided to end a day trip from their home in La Junta, 100 miles away, at Club Q, where they were planning to watch a standup comedian.  Stephanie Clark said her sister was a loving mother and wife, who leaves behind an 11-year-old daughter, according to NBC News.

“It just doesn’t seem real,” she said. “We’re heartbroken. We’re sad. We’re mad, angry.  My niece is devastated. [Ashley] lived for her daughter.”

Clark said Ashley, who was not a member of the LGBTQ+ community herself, and her friend had been shopping and had a meal together before heading to the nightclub.

“Nothing will ever be the same without her,” she said. “Right now, I don’t want to laugh. She was a loving, caring person who would do anything for anybody. We’re going to miss her so much.”

Raymond Green Vance

Raymond Green Vance, 22, of Colorado Springs, graduated from Sand Creek high school in 2018, where he was popular and outgoing, lived at home with his mother and eight-year-old brother, got a job at FedEx and had been saving up for his own place, his mother, Adriana Vance, told the Washington Post.

“Even though my son didn’t discriminate against the LGBTQ+ community, he wasn’t a part of the community. That was his first time going to the club,” Vance said. “Unfortunately, Raymond was there at the wrong time.”

Vance, 42, said she knew her son was accompanying his girlfriend and her family to the club, to which she had never been, but considered safe.

“He’s going to be greatly missed,” she said. “It’s like we’re still trying to wake up from a nightmare.”

Victim’s images: Colorado Spring Police Dept.

[newsssc]

How to watch the Denver Broncos vs. Seattle Seahawks NFL game today: Livestream options, more

Bo Nix #10 of the Denver Broncos throws against the Green Bay Packers during a preseason game at Empower Field At Mile High on August 18, 2024 in Denver, Colorado. Jamie Schwaberow/Getty Images The Denver Broncos vs. Seattle Seahawks game will be played today. Broncos rookie Bo Nix was named starting quarterback and team captain, beating out Jarrett Stidham for the job. Nix makes his NFL…

[hotnew-pt]

Como assistir ao jogo Denver Broncos x Seattle Seahawks NFL hoje: opções de transmissão ao vivo, mais #ÚltimasNotícias

Hot News Bo Nix #10 do Denver Broncos lança contra o Green Bay Packers durante um jogo de pré-temporada no Empower Field At Mile High em 18 de agosto de 2024 em Denver, Colorado. Jamie Schwaberow/Getty Images O jogo Denver Broncos x Seattle Seahawks será disputado hoje. O novato do Broncos, Bo Nix, foi nomeado quarterback titular e capitão do time, derrotando Jarrett Stidham para o cargo. Nix…

[recentlyheardcom]

How to watch the Denver Broncos vs. Seattle Seahawks NFL game today: Livestream options, more

Bo Nix #10 of the Denver Broncos throws against the Green Bay Packers during a preseason game at Empower Field At Mile High on August 18, 2024 in Denver, Colorado. Jamie Schwaberow/Getty Images The Denver Broncos vs. Seattle Seahawks game will be played today. Broncos rookie Bo Nix was named starting quarterback and team captain, beating out Jarrett Stidham for the job. Nix makes his NFL…

[noisycowboyglitter]

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[pwblogarchive]

October 2004

October 2, 2004

“I Wrote The Word “Regret” On My Hand To Remember To Call You”

Its a fixedcat fight. And I’m going down fast, but I’m winking. Faking it. Tbs tour in chicago. You remeber 3 years ago when us and tbs first played chicago. Yeah to like 20 kids. So thank you for tonight. We are having so much fun. We have so many new songs.

Do you ever see someone just sitting alone and feel so bad. Just low. Like you just know they aren’t connected to anyone? Maybe that’s just me. I want this record to make those people feel okay, cause we all get there sometimes… Go read hey chris’s zine. Its pretty good.

Don’t roll your eyes at me I only want to write a song to suit your every mood.

P

October 4, 2004

“Its Not Gossip If Its The Truth”

Day off in omaha. Got some new tricks for you. Including: a green slytherin tie, members only jacket, and napoleon dynamite on dvd (youknowyouwantityouknowyouwantit). My hair is new black on blonde I don’t know what to think of it just yet. Me and dirty have been making funny videos that I hope you get to see soon. I don’t know why I read the internet- aaron from matchbook told me about our kickball game being written about on absolutepunk (jason tate is my homeboy- however it wasn’t teammatchbook that won it- it was team dirty consisting of: dirty, me, andy hurley, judas mbr, fred tbs, and mark tbs- we smoked the competition… So let the internet know. If you wanna play some kickball come find us. We leave for l.a. To record our record in november- I’m excited. We have these shows coming up on the east coast in december please get your tickets early, they will sell out.

I’ve got sunsets in my veins like you don’t even know.

P

October 6, 2004

“I’m A Headache Kid With Targets For Eyes”

Denver. singing one mile up. Had the best time till joe hit me in the head with his guitar. Yes again. It knocked me out. I apologize. We finished the set and we hope everyone still had a good time. I can’t sleep. I need your heart beat. I’ve been working on my other book, I can’t wait to see the west coast again. Then for florida we got great halloween costumes for you.

You could have taken the place of oxygen for me.

Peterpumpkin eater

October 7, 2004

“This Is A Love Song In My Own Fucked Up Way”

somewhere along the line i stopped believing in this. i stopped trying to match our breathing when we fell asleep. i hear about the way you brag about how all the songs are about you. only someone like you could ever be proud of that.

October 7, 2004

“Lets Walk This Romance Until Its Bitter End”

flew into seattle at 6:45 am today. eyes stuck shut with sleep in them. our entire band and crew was pulled aside and searched. we can’t tune guitars, theres no way we could bomb anything. i hate flying. i find myself assessing my life every time we hit a bump- if someone’s keeping score then i am fucked. got to play with a ton of great bands today. hung with my chemical romance a bunch- me and mikey, their bassist, have a gang called “the sweet little dudes”. we’re gonna make a secret handshake. trust me, you’re jealous. don’t be suprised if you see us on tour together in the future. the lost prophets had a party tonight, where they shot their new video. i did lots of monster faces for the camera, maybe you will see it. got another excerpt from my other book (not the boy with the thorn in his side) over at: www.fueledbyramen.com/journal -

sorry for all the complaining. it just comes so easy to me.

p

October 8, 2004

"atlanta to san jose"

The first thing I ever knew about her was a lie. Her lips curl when she’s talking about the “Q”. her middle name is “Q” she says.

but it’s not. She’s regular. She’s normal just like me. But Her lips still curl when she is hoping she isn’t caught.

Except she always is.

She reminds me of the anecdote about the lab rat who chose the intense pleasure button over the food button. He probably starved to death. 

But I’m sure he’s reliving the glory days up in rat heaven. 

I call her up to tell her to build me a model scale version of San Francisco because I have a great idea for a disaster.

She must be on the internet because the phone just keeps ringing. Right now I want to shoot every single fucking employee at Earthlink.

What do overweight Ethiopians, free money, the tooth fairy- and Q as a middle name have in common?

Liar.

I hate how I can’t stop thinking about the liar.

Freud says love is the sublimation of sexual impulses.

I say we are all lab rats. And consider this a failed experiment.

He says we sublimate our sexual desires to make them palatable to society.

This is what love is.

I say this must be a clinical trial.

And I am the control.

She is the “Stockholm Effect”- you know back in the seventies when victims fell in love with their kidnappers.

Yeah. She’s mostly like that.

She is the middle parts of Great Expectations. You know right before things go really wrong for Pip (and This wouldn’t be my story if I weren’t Pip).

God, I love victim culture.

I love Jeffrey Dahmer being a victim of society.

I love Patty Hearst. I love the “Stockholm Effect”.

The great victims of our culture. Aren’t we all?

Sexuality was first examined scientifically in the 19th century. Before that religion fielded all questions.

That didn’t work so well.

Love was not examined scientifically until the late 20th century.

Erich Fromm suggested that infatuation was a plan by Mother Nature to promote the survival of the species. See with out infatuation cave men would never have overcome the fear of interacting and eventually having sex with other clans. Thus ensuring the survival of the species.

This is what is commonly considered a breakthrough. Freud is spinning in his grave.

Our extinction is a Hallmark card away.

He later suggests that in order to love someone else one must love themselves. A classic “needs before other needs” argument.

Unfortunately, no one really loves themselves. And if they do, they need to get to know themselves better. Unfortunately, no one is really happy. So, let’s be unhappy together.

I call her up to tell her to build a mini version of San Jose for me to devastate.

Her roommate tells me she is on the phone long-distance with her aunt. 

I want to kill every member of her extended family.

Phenylethylamine (PEA), the chemical responsible for the swooning and feelings of adoration, is structurally similar to cocaine. Most people choose cocaine over love when given the chance. 

I wouldn’t say that’s a bad choice. 

The endorphins released during infatuation are similar to heroin; only they don’t make you skinny and pale. Oxytocin, “the cuddling hormone” most often found in new mothers and newlyweds, are like ecstasy- every touch feels a bit tinglier. 

Love exists in a bottle. In a syringe. I want mine diluted with water.

Most people would choose gambling over love when given the chance. We are the rat.

Most people choose pornography over love when given the chance. We are the cave-man.

Hallmark cards and boxes of Fanny-May chocolates will save humanity.

It’s all in the marketing. Kellogg and the original Graham Cracker originally marketed their products as a way to stifle teenage masturbation

I call her up to go over the blue prints for a miniature Atlanta because I crave catastrophe.

Her answering machine picks up. Right now I hate her voice.

It reminds me of how much I think about her.

She is the fraud. The faker. I can’t stop thinking about her.

I miss her lips curling with those lies.

I miss her body- See, she has a body that will go to the pornstar retirement home in her golden years- or prostitute heaven. 

to my favorite liar: you were always/never just a line in a song.

- petey

October 9, 2004

Release The Brats

Canada was amazing. Vancouver. Kissing weather but no kissing was done. If you’re coming out to any shows anytime soon I am in need of this one kind of shampoo its called purple shampoo or its in a purple bottle- it washes the color out of blonde hair- anyway the black is sneaking into the blonde and I need some. You can get it at beauty supply places. Ill hook you up with some merch or clan gear… Here’s the hitch I only need one bottle…

I’ve been calling you late at night in my mind. My bed misses me and you.

Petey

President of the brats.

Sweet lil dudes gang

October 10, 2004

“Status Report: I Am Missing You To Death”

so the update. i got the shampoo so ignore the earlier post, though thank you for even caring at all. im in portland.

i used to have headaches.

then i met you. now im onto

something new.

October 11, 2004

“143”

I could tell she was searching for something. Something punishing. Something unforgivable.

“I hope your plane crashes.”

Somewhere deep down so did i.

she always had this look of awe on her face when i looked at her (i should have told her, i don’t do “awe” but i will settle for “sympathy”). we all settle- sometimes you want chocolate and all they have is vanilla- sometimes you want romance, and instead you got me. im the sick feeling in your stomach the next morning when you remember the night before. i am the trash on the floor after the last dance.

i can only sleep on tylenol pms lately and they cant touch these headaches.

i swear to god i would give this all up if you asked.

the way i’d pretend that i could see you and not have my hands all over you if you would pretend i didn’t know everything.

the way i wrote every song about you, because of you, for you. but you were still always the first person i played them for.

how i cant pull the trigger.

im all the parts of a bullet but the powder.

if you were smart you’d skip this part.

you’d just stop reading.

i know this jumps around everywhere and doesn’t make much sense. i didn’t write this one. my moods did.

somewhere along the way. you decided i was settling.

but i never gave up on anything as pretty as you.

everytime the plane bumps, i think of you.

we cant stand being this close to eachother, even inside of IM windows.

and you said “im turning my phone off, ive had enough of this conversation for the night”.

and i think maybe that theres still a chance.

its like roulette- if the phones on then you still love me, theres still a chance. if it’s off- then i was wrong.

its like roulette, and im putting all my chips on black.

(your phone is off).

i never stood a chance. the house always wins.

imagine me at my worst- and i am just past that.

the sign on the road says “welcome to rock bottom”.

i own all the real estate.

this is us both signing off.

October 15, 2004

“Songs Don’t Settle Scores So How About Me And All My Friends Vs. You And All Of Yours”

If you’ve seen me around lately, I’m not sad or in a bad mood. I’m sick. It gets me really quiet and weird. I apologize. The west coast is so much fun. My mom is the cutest. She thinks someone broke into our house to steal new fall out boy demos, hehe, pretty good. Just on this side of crazy. I love my mom. This journal entry is all over the place. So I posted some pics of the new hair- you gotta look around and you’ll find them… Its not too hard. Got some good news for you soon.

P

October 15, 2004

12:08 am.

fuck your friends page, cause i said so

October 19, 2004

“Jason Tate Doesn’t Ever Call Me Back”

Vegas. The luck only goes one way. Piece of advice. Don’t bet all your merch money on red. Don’t dream of anyone except me. Were half way there. We’ve got even newer songs, some new merch, and some new ways of throwing it all away.

Jared tell jason to call me.

Peter

October 21, 2004

“If Its Any Consolation”

Every song on our next record will be about killing the head cheerleader.

October 24, 2004

“Cowboys And Girls.”

There’s something intensely foreign but endearing about texas. Put the love on hold. We move slow.

Were sitting out dances on the wall of club after the show. You said “I’m faded, but you should think this over cause it could take all night”. But I’m pretty sure you were just faded. My bunk feels like a coffin tonight. The airs humid here, hard to breathe- it makes every pull worth it. You’re lighting cigarettes off of eachother. You say it calms your nerves, but it doesn’t show.

Texas is the reason: apple soda, frozen poptarts, holister kids: ashley, jamie, renee, my dad, long letters vs. Short emails, laguna beach, zombie make up, dirty, cranberry and vodka minus the vodka.

Oh yeah, I guess some people brought me cigarettes to the show. I don’t smoke. That’s joe who posted that. Also, don’t feel like you have to bring anything.

Take this as it is. Spit: this is the curtain call on desperation. So come out and take a bow. Depression is so 90s. Hit it or quit it. There’s a world out there and I’m almost ready to feel alive in it. This is me telling you no one will ever feel like that again.

Lateralligator.

Peterpan

October 26, 2004

“Everywhere I Go I Keep Her Picture In My Wallet”

Sometimes you take chances. You take and and take. And then you take when you should have folded. Read this as: I’m sorry. Please forgive me. And know its true. No love is unconditional.

See you soon.

….fellas like me only spit lines like we’ve got somthing to prove. And all the boys want to dance with girls like you…..

October 27, 2004

“Where America Goes To Die”

Florida: we’re gonna have a new limited shirt just for you, beginning at the st. Pete show.

Also, if anyone wants to carve pumpkins. Come to the show early and ask for me or our tour manager dan. Here’s the catch. You have to supply the pumpkins, the knives and the spoons.

Peter

October 28, 2004

You know the funny thing is I already know how its gonna turn out. 

Get the book: www.clandestineindustries.com  

- petey

October 30, 2004

“My Wrists Are Black And Blue Cause I Don’t Have The Balls”

Fuck. I wish I could scream this into the screen. I don’t feel too eloquent right now.

Icalled you to save me. Voicemails don’t mean shit these days.

Its not worth the wishes on clocks and eyelashes anymore.