confessions-of-an-adoptee - Tumblr blog

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#595. I found my birth mother and she died two weeks later. It seems impossible to feel such grief over someone I didn't even know.

-Anonymous

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#594.

I was told I was abandoned near a police station, and then a man delivered me to an adoption agency. A baby abandoned on the street, alone. As you can probably guess I might have abandonment issues I’d rather not deal with. I don’t even know my real birthday. My adoption agency gave my non biological parents their best guess. I have identity issues daily, I feel a large and invisible barrier from my white friends (even all of my friends) because they will never even come close to feeling the way I do. I am an only child in my family, and sometimes I dream about the fact that I was born during the one child only rule in China so that must mean I have siblings, and I was the one given up. I have no emotional attachment to my biological mother or father, I never knew them and I never will. I cannot even picture two people who look like me who are my biological parents. I just wanted to write this and maybe someone else will be able to finally connect with some of the experiences I have had.

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

Dear Adoption, I need you to hear me - without interrupting or forming a response before I finish. I am adopted, not you. I have experienced it, not you. My entire existence has been shaped by the construct of adoption, leaving me incapable of imagining my life otherwise. You cannot imagine, so for once, just shut up and listen.

Dear Adoption, do not tell me how I feel. When I say anything concerning my families or my feelings toward them - or adoption in general - do not contradict me as if you know better. As if you have any idea the complex emotions and psychological mindfuck adoption creates. As if you have any basis of knowledge on the subject. You don’t.

Dear Adoption, you have no idea the harm you did, in the name of A Better Life. You cannot know, so do not impose on me your opinions and expect me to take them as my own, like I had to when I was given a false birth certificate and forced to declare it as fact. Do not pretend you have a clue what it feels like to swear you are one thing when you are genetically another.

You do not know my pain, Adoption, because you cannot admit you are the cause of it. You want to think you saved me - that I would have been an abortion statistic without you, that my mother and I would have lived on the streets unless you came along. You are full of yourself, Adoption. So self-absorbed that when I - the product that makes you exist - attempt to share my reality, my truth, you immediately shut me down. You cannot handle that the perpetual child I am in your eyes does anything except sing your praises.

You shame me. You silence me. You attempt to control the narrative. You lie. You pout. You tell me it hurts you that I could state anything other than how happy I am. You lecture me that my “real” parents are the ones who raised me, that biology is meaningless, that I was better off being adopted no matter the actual circumstances. You say I should feel blessed and chosen. But you don’t stop there, Dear Adoption. You tell me how I actually feel. 

When I say I feel I don’t belong anywhere, you say I feel lucky to be adopted.

When I say I consider myself a commodity, you say I actually feel like a gift.

When I say I long to connect with my birth family, you say “those people” mean nothing to me.

When I say I miss my original mother, you say I have abandonment issues.

When I say I mourn my bio-father, you say I cannot grieve someone I never met.

When I say I carry great pain, you say you wish you were adopted.

Dear Adoption, do not presume to understand the magnitude of what you’ve done or, worse, to explain it to me. The psychological warfare you wage only focuses my anger where it belongs: at you. You cannot control me with your talk of “God’s plan” and you cannot make me parrot your platitudes. Thousands of us have found our voice and we will not be silenced. Because, Dear Adoption, someday you will be on the wrong side of history - like slavery - and no amount of gaslighting you do now will change that.

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

Today is my birthday.

As I’ve gotten older it’s become more and more difficult to be excited about my birthday when I don’t even know if it’s my real day of birth. It was estimated I was born around this date by the police who found me abandoned in Ahmednagar as an infant (I was found on January 10th and was believed to be about a day old). Nevertheless, 23 years ago sometime around this day, these hands last touched my birthmother. To me, this day is bittersweet…it means I grow older, but it also means more time separates me from her. I don’t really know how to explain it. I think only an adoptee would truly understand what I’m trying to say. It hurts my heart to know she is out there somewhere remembering me. I will never know who she is or where she is, but every year on this day I say a prayer that she is well and safe and has found peace with letting me go.

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#593. Somehow even with my greatest talents I feel insecure about why I have them. What's the point of all of my abilities? Why was it not good enough for my birth parents? Why is it good enough for my adopted family? Who would I be if I wasn't abandoned back then?

Anonymous

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#592. The older I get the more insecure and scared I feel about going out with my adoptive family; it feels like a big sign is over my head 24/7 that I'm out of place, and my dark skin doesn't help in contrast to my pale skinned White family. Worst of all, I feel trapped; that there's no other option I have than to be the elephant in the room, and I can do nothing about it.

Anonymous

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#591.

When I was in the 1st grade, my parents made my sister and I crawl everyday for an hour. They told us that since we never got to crawl in our orphanages, we missed an important developmental milestone. We had to do this for 2 more years. It was degrading and humiliating. After all, I wasn't a toddler anymore, so why should I crawl? It's clear I already missed that stage. It led to me having really low self esteem, and I didn't interact well with other kids because of that.Since I had trouble with being social with others, my parents decided to put me in therapy. I hated it. Why would I tell my problems to a stranger paid to talk to me? They switched therapists, and put me into a group therapy session. I refused to talk to anyone. I didn't understand it at all. Why was I being forced by my parents to go to therapy to 'fix' a problem that they essentially created? Going to therapy ultimately lowered my confidence even more. My sister was allowed to stop going, but I was not. I felt like I wasn't the child my parents wanted, because they always tried to 'fix' me; to make me be how they wanted. They never seemed to realize that made me feel even more isolated. I was too old to be treated like a baby. Yet I was too young to deal with all the problems that I was facing alone.

--Anonymous

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#590. my friends make casual jokes how they want to adopted. they always seem to forget that i'm right there, listening to them. i wonder if it's easy for them to say those things because they don't realize how much they would loose.

Anonymous

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#589. Some days I feel fine, and then something triggers me and I feel like I'm about to break down.

Anonymous

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#588. Tomorrow is my 18 birthday. Today my mother asked me if i want to meet my biological parents. I didn't know what to answer so i said no. But meeting my parents is all i ever wanted so i messed everything up. I really want to find them one day but i want to do it on my own. Is this cruel ? I am so scared that when i finally know them my adoptive partents will see me with different eyes. I am so confused at the moment

Anonymous

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#587. I never see confessions from adoptees who were taken from their parents. I was taken by police (along with my half brother and sister) when I was 3 years old because my birth mother was abusive. We were all eventually adopted. I know a lot about what happened, but no one knows where my birth mother is let alone had any contact with her (we don't know our fathers). I don't feel anger towards her, I just feel a great loss and confusion. There is no way i will ever know what happened, that kills me

Anonymous

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#586. I feel like because I was adopted I find it incredibly difficult to love people. There is an emotional barrier preventing me from forming true relationships with anyone, and there is no way I can knock it down without a lot of grief and mourning for my past.

Anonymous

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#585.

I was placed for adoption when I was very young. My birthmother tested positive for cocaine and that subsequently led to my placement. The details surrounding my placement into the orphanage and the length of my stay are vague as neither of my adoptive parents would give me any information regarding my adoption. The small bits that I’ve managed to scour up have all come from my adoptive fathers sister (who adopted a child from the same orphanage). My childhood was a nightmare from hell. At the age of four my “parents” were already demonstrating a complete lack of regard for my wellbeing. While their biological son would be dressed in normal clothing, I would be wearing dirty disgusting clothing. At a family function I spilled my chips on the ground and began to cry. My adoptive father grew angry and demanded that I shut up, which only prompted me to cry harder and louder. He then grabbed me and took me into a back room. I have no memory of the incident, but his sister recalled that she heard me howling and screaming and demanded that he open the door. He refused and CPS was called. Another incident around the same age where my mother yanked my arm and severely dislocated it. It still is not fully in the socket today due to no medical treatment. When I mentioned it to her she shrugged and said that “You broke your own arm trying to get untangled from a swing set” she later had another boy and a girl. My older brother and I got along as well as siblings do, but any altercation we had was blown out of proportion with me always being the guilty party. The punishments for these tiffs were quite severe. I was beaten multiple times with belts and boards, my “father” even went as far as to strip me naked for these beatings and he would turn the television up so that no one could hear me screaming. I lived in constant fear and it began to take its toll in my school life. My teachers all said that I was a gifted child, much smarter than his age, but with a complete disregard for what was expected of me in class. While the good students did class work, I would hide a book under my desk and read it. I couldn’t relate well with peers my age mostly due to the fact I was not allowed to interact with my brothers or sister in any way. They had been warned countless times to stay away from me, and report anything I do to my “mother” So, I became an outcast in school and home. Life was hell. I was constantly being told not to make my older brother look bad by messing up in school seeing as we went to the same one. That didn’t stop dear old “dad” from taking me out of class and beating me in the bathroom in 7th grade. The entire class heard it and I got laughed at and ridiculed because of it. It didn’t stop there…. There are so many stories, so many horrors. I deeply wish I could talk to other people like me. Maybe it could help. Dhamien0@gmail.com is my email.

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#584. Birth and adoptive parents abandoned me

I was abandoned by my birth mom at age 6 my birth father wasn’t in the picture. I was adoptive at age 8. I came to America from Russia. My adoptive parents were emotionally abusive, never hit me but their words really hurt my heart. At age 18 my adoptive parents  kicked me out with nothing and would harass me and come to where I was living and insult me while I never once said a word until I finally didn’t even open the door. It’s hard being abandoned and kicked out with nothing by parents I thought had saved me from a hard life in Russia after my biological mother left me.

--Anonymous

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#583. i found out last night my biological dad died five years ago from what i know we where very alike so it hurts so bad knowing ill never meet him

E

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#582. Victimized?

I started looking for my birth mother 16 years ago because I got cancer and there was no reason by lifestyle for me to have. Every doctor there forward asked about family history, so I searched to no avail. The laws at the time sealed the records. 

The laws recently changed and I was able to get my original birth certificate. A little searching with some help and I located her. I had her address and phone number, but I had a representative of the adoption registry contact her. She was very upset and said she felt victimized. That choice of wording upset me a lot. I thought she might not want to have contact, thus the third party contact, and if she didn’t I had no problem respecting her privacy. But victimized, I was not ready for that. I have found that she had two other children that were also put up for adoption, I was thinking about trying to locate them but the bad reaction I got from her is giving me pause. I am still thinking about it though.

--Anonymous

[confessions-of-an-adoptee]

#581. Two years ago, when I was in secondary school, I was in laboratory class and my classmates and me had to compare inherited traits. I was so awkward because I couldn’t do my homework with my adoptive family since we don’t have the same DNA, obviously.

Anonymous