#definitely going to make german sound less aggressive

[schadenfreudich]

All possible alternatives of "deutsch" and "Deutschland", made only with parts/ways the word could written been written in both old and middle high german, and only letters we still use in new high german.

This ended up being a lot and most of them sound very funny to me.

deutsch

deutesch, deutisch, dietesch, dietisch, dietsch, diotesch, diotisch, diotsch, dutesch, dütesch, dutisch, dütisch, dutsch, dütsch, teutesch, teutisch, teutsch, tietesch, tietisch, tietsch, tiotesch, tiotisch, tiotsch, tutesch, tütesch, tutisch, tütisch, tutsch, tütsch

Deutschland

Deuteschland, Deuteschlant, Deutischland, Deutischlant, Deutschlant, Dieteschland, Dieteschlant, Dietischland, Dietischlant, Dietschland, Dietschlant, Dioteschland, Dioteschlant, Diotischland, Diotischlant, Diotschland, Diotschlant, Duteschland, Düteschland, Duteschlant, Düteschlant, Dutischland, Dütischland, Dutischlant, Dütischlant, Dutschland, Dütschland, Dutschlant, Dütschlant, Teuteschland, Teuteschlant, Teutischland, Teutischlant, Teutschland, Teutschlant, Tieteschland, Tieteschlant, Tietischland, Tietischlant, Tietschland, Tietschlant, Tioteschland, Tioteschlant, Tiotischland, Tiotischlant, Tiotschland, Tiotschlant, Tuteschland, Tüteschland, Tuteschlant, Tüteschlant, Tutischland, Tütischland, Tutischlant, Tütischlant, Tutschland, Tütschland, Tutschlant, Tütschlant

[wowbright]

Fic: Pleasure and the Law of Chastity

Klaine Advent 2021: core

Words: ~2000 words

Rating: Teen and Up

Summary: Elder Anderson wants to make sure Kurt’s needs are taken care of.

I’m back with more vignettes from my Mormon!Klaine universe for Klaine Advent 2021! This vignette takes place directly after Lock the Door and Turn the Lights Down Low.

My Mormon!Klaine Masterpost.

Notes: This scene is way less sexy than I made it sound. If you have any questions or typo corrections, feel free to use my ask box!

--------

Kurt thought their embarrassing conversation was over. They ate breakfast and talked about their plans for the day. They discussed the two types of subjunctive case in German. They debated whether most of the events of the Book of Mormon happened in the Midwest or Central America (neither of them really cared, but it was interesting to think about).

Then, as Elder Anderson was rinsing his dishes, he exclaimed, “Wait a minute!” out of nowhere.

“Wait for what?” asked Kurt, who was wiping down the table.

Elder Anderson turned off the faucet and turned toward Kurt, an expression of concern knitting his eyebrows together. “Is that why you have so many sets of sheets? I'd always assumed it was because you like housekeeping and colorful things, and since you can't express yourself through your clothing, you change your sheets every few days. But is it …” Elder Anderson lowered his voice. “Wet dreams?”

Kurt face caught fire. He looked back down at the table and scrubbed aggressively at what might have been a stain or might just have been a manufacturing irregularity. “We are not discussing that, Elder Anderson.”

“I'm not asking to be prurient.” Elder Anderson wiped his hands on the dish towel and stepped closer to Kurt. What missionary actually stepped closer to their companion when they were talking about deeply personal things like wet dreams? “I'm asking out of concern. You’re my companion, and you've been getting bad sleep, and if that's the reason—”

“This is so inappropriate.”

“Nocturnal emissions are a natural function of the body. They’re nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Kurt suddenly noticed that the chairbacks were getting a little grimy. He began working on the one closest to him. “I'm not embarrassed.” Kurt would need to beg forgiveness for that bald-faced lie in his personal prayers later that morning, though he was certain God would understand. “I just don't know that bodily functions are an appropriate topic of conversation.”

“I don't know. You certainly must have had a few of those companions who proudly announce every single bowel movement. Wet dreams are a lot less gross, as far as I'm concerned.” Elder Anderson sat down in the chair that Kurt was not scrubbing.

“I was going to clean that,” Kurt said testily.

“Do you think wet dreams are gross because they're sticky and leave stains, or do you think they're gross because you think your sex drive is gross?”

Kurt felt suddenly woozy. He grabbed the back of the chair to steady himself. “Who are you now? Freud?”

“I’m sorry. I just … I get why you think masturbation is a violation of the law of chastity. A lot of people in the church think that, even if I don't. And honestly, I do think it can be a problem if it becomes an obsession or gets in the way of serving God. And obviously what I did last night—that made you uncomfortable and interfered with your sleep, and so it was wrong. I do really feel terrible about it.”

Ugh. Kurt wanted to shut out this entire conversation, but it was difficult when Elder Anderson was being so raw and sincere. “I know. To be honest, my sleep always sucks, though.”

“Well, I don’t want to be responsible for making it worse. Maybe I can make it up to you somehow. Fix you warm milk every night before bed? Buy a white noise machine?”

Kurt poked Elder Anderson across the table. “Definitely no white noise machine. You’d just use that as an excuse to …” Kurt bit his bottom lip and stepped over to the counter. He gently stroked the empty sausage package on the counter.

Elder Anderson laughed, his cheeks turning pink. He looked ripe as a peach. It was so becoming. And unfair. “I won’t. I promise. I’ve learned my lesson.”

Kurt laughed too, but he knew the conversation wasn't over. There was something unsettled in the air around them.

“Ku— Elder Hummel, can I ask you—” Elder Anderson looked out the kitchen window. “Nevermind. I don't want to upset you anymore that I already have.”

Kurt sat down. On the one hand, Elder Anderson could really do a better job of not blurting things out, So the restraint he had shown was admirable. At the same time, the idea that Elder Anderson would hold himself back out of fear of Kurt’s reaction didn't sit well. “I'll try not to get upset,” Kurt said. “I don't want to be that kind of senior companion.”

Elder Anderson took a deep breath. “OK. You're gay. Heavenly Parents made you that way. We agree on that?”

Kurt nodded.

“And you want to stay in the church. And if you stay in the church, that means you can never have a relationship with another man. You can't get married. You can't have sex. That's what the church demands.”

“They’re not demanding it of me. I could leave if I wanted to. It’s my choice.”

“OK. So it’s your choice to never have sex. And it's also your choice to never masturbate?”

Kurt nodded, breathing deeply to try to keep the blush on his face deepening at the word “masturbate.” Honestly, it was such an unattractive word. If it felt anything like it sounded, no one would ever do it. Half the times Kurt had been tempted to act on his urges, all had to think about how ugly that word was and the impulse went away.

“And God does everything for a reason?" Elder Anderson asked.

“Of course,” Kurt said. It was the only possibility. Either God did everything for a reason, or God had no reasons for anything, in which case God and the church would be irrelevant.

“Then why did God give you a sex drive in the first place? Because I understand why God gives straight people a sex drive—to drive us toward marriage and to procreate during marriage. But you believe that, even though God made you gay, and even though God gave you a body that experiences sexual arousal, he’s also denying you any pleasurable outlet for your sex drive for the rest of your life?”

Kurt had never thought about it that way. He wasn't sure if he wanted to. It seemed like a dangerous road to go down. “I could marry a woman,” he said instinctively. Because that's what the apostles said. The rules weren't different for people who had homosexual attractions. Just like straight people, they were offered an outlet for their sexual impulses: heterosexual marriage.

Elder Anderson gave him a look. “I said ‘pleasurable outlet.’ It's hard to believe that going against your core nature would be pleasurable.”

Kurt stared at his hands. He had no answer for Elder Anderson. Instead, he said, “Your dad is a general authority. Is he really OK with your interpretation of the law of chastity?”

“Honestly, I don't know. We've never discussed sex beyond the vague generalities that the church prints in its pamphlets, if that. I had a bishop in middle school who said you couldn't do baptisms for the dead if you touched yourself, but the next bishop I had said it wasn't a big deal if it didn’t involve images and you didn’t do it too often. And when I read the church literature, I can't find any specific instruction. All For the Strength of Youth says is not to have sex outside of marriage and not to arouse your own desires outside of marriage. And I've never used masturbation to arouse myself. It provides a release so I can move on and focus on the important things.”

Was Kurt’s face on fire again? Of course it was on fire again. Because as soon as Elder Anderson used the word “masturbation” in reference to himself, Kurt experienced flashes of the previous night: of Elder Anderson’s soft moans, of the way he stroked himself under his garments, of the scent of his release.

It also brought into question why Elder Anderson was aroused in the first place. He said he didn't think about girls, but was it really that simple? He just got a hard-on and it wouldn't go away until something was done about it?

Okay, Kurt really needed to stop thinking about Elder Anderson touching himself and his motives for doing it. Because now just as much of Kurt’s blood was rushing down as up. He had to think of something decidedly unsexy something like … relatives. “My dad doesn't think masturbation is a violation of the law of chastity, but I always figured that was because he was a convert,” Kurt said.

“It might be. But I think converts often have the most accurate interpretations of doctrine because they’re coming into it fresh. They're not weighed down by all the different interpretations they've heard over the years. Whereas people like me, who grew up surrounded by other Mormons—I think half the stuff we assume is ‘doctrine’ is actually church culture. You know, like wearing white shirts when you pass the sacrament. There is no rule anywhere that non-missionaries have to wear white shirts. But my goodness, if a deacon showed up to church in a blue dress shirt instead of a white one, it was practically a scandal.”

“Just to be clear: you're comparing …” Kurt still couldn’t say the word. He could think it, but only quietly, in parentheses, like (masturbation). “You’re comparing whether or not someone plays with their Wurst to what color of shirt they choose to wear to church on Sunday?”

“Yeah, I guess I am. And the more I think about it, the more it works. if you do either of those things, people might judge you. So you can choose to wear a white shirt on Sunday just so that you don't make waves, just like you can choose not masturbate just so you don't have to defend yourself against an overly zealous bishop. But if you choose to do either of those things, you're not sinning against God.”

“I’m still not sure.”

“I know.” Elder Anderson touched his fingers to the back of Kurt’s hand. Given the topic under discussion, it should have embarrassed Kurt, or at a minimum made him flinch. Instead, Kurt found the touch reassuring. “And we don’t have to agree. You should do what’s right for you. I'm just concerned that you've been apparently going through this hassle of having wet dreams every few nights for your entire mission, which disrupts your sleep and interferes with the work. And I’m worried that the deeper reason you avoid doing anything to prevent this might not be so much because you think it’s a sin for everybody, but because you think it’s a worse sin for you. That you think because you’re gay, you don’t deserve to enjoy the body you live in as much as other people do. And that doesn’t strike me as fair.”

Kurt couldn’t say anything. It struck too deep. How did Elder Anderson know?

“I’m sorry. Maybe I’ve said too much,” said Elder Anderson, pulling his hand away.

Kurt wished he hadn’t. “No. You didn’t. It’s just … a lot to think about, is all. And we still have a whole day ahead of us.”

“You’re right. I should finish with the dishes.” Elder Anderson gave Kurt’s shoulder a little squeeze as he stood up.

Strange how reassuring it felt. The Kurt before Elder Anderson would be curled up in a ball on the floor by this point in the conversation. But somehow, he’d survived it. The resentment he’d felt against his companion had dissipated, too.

And far, far back in his mind, on the little shelf where Kurt kept thoughts he wasn’t ready to dwell upon, a part of him was glad that the same hand that offered Kurt reassurance had, the previous night, given Elder Anderson both relief and pleasure.

[hakasims]

Shitty Luca Movie Recap, Episode 4

Can’t Watch Nina, Even For Luca?

Don’t Worry, Me Neither. Goodbye.

.

..

...

Ok, fine, I’ll talk about the damn thing.

So it’s a warm September night, and I’m in the mood for a Luca Marinelli feature. In my infinite wisdom I choose Nina. “It’s directed by a woman,” I reason, “and women know what’s up.” ‘What’s up’ in this particular case is code for ‘how to frame beautiful men for the female gaze’. Because women can be auteurs, too, and being an auteur means making movies about your own personal wank material.

Turns out, sometimes a woman’s wank material consists less of a gorgeous male form and more of fascist architecture. We’ll discuss the former in due time, but for now, what’s Nina even about? Well, at its core it’s a simple story about a young woman who doesn’t know what she wants, set against the backdrop of the Rome that is almost entirely empty due to most people leaving for the summer. This could have been a fairly straightforward coming-of-age film, but Nina is too indie and up its own ass for that. Literally nothing of note happens in this movie, and it’s all long static wide shots of empty streets, endless stairs, and domineering largeness of Rome’s most famous fascist buildings such as the Palace of Italian Civilization, the Sapienza University of Rome, Palazzo dei Congressi, and, most prominently, the Fountains Hall. (Google what they look like if you don’t know.) Now, I’m guessing those locations weren’t chosen by accident. They could have easily added to the creepiness of the movie — and I’m assuming creepiness was intended; otherwise how do you explain these hoverboarding nuns?

Anyway, the employment of the locations could have been atmospheric and thematic had the shots not been so bland. But they are. Bland, flat, and always looking the same no matter what is happening in the scene. Usually audiences are willing to sit through slow uneventful movies because of interesting visuals or characters worthy of attention, but Nina has neither. The titular character herself is tedious. Even her bad fashion sense is bad in a boring way that doesn’t tell you anything about her. Is she stuck in perpetual adolescence? Is she searching to get in touch with her sensuality? Who knows. The only thing I’m certain of is that she needs to learn to tuck her tops into her bottoms.

Nina spends her days giving singing lessons, going to Chinese calligraphy classes, eating cake, exercising and taking midnight walks in the empty city. She wants to go to China in September — it’s the closest thing to a goal she has — yet she’s done no preparations, and instead of learning Mandarin she’s studying calligraphy. And she’s real bad at it, too.

There are reoccurring visual elements in the movie besides the vast emptiness: stairs, white columns, a jogger, a red dress, animals… You’d think those were very straightforward symbols, but they’re used too sporadically and inconsistently to hold any meaning. For example, animals. Nina is tasked with both helping out in a pet store and house-sitting an apartment with a German shepherd (a good boy named Homer), a guinea pig and a tank full of fish. The instructions she’s given are absurd, like feeding the dog sleeping pills and putting the guinea pig on a diet. And then there’s a supposedly American TV show always playing in and out of diegesis about dogs living in cages and swimming happily in pools, and it looks and sounds like a video off the political section on the dog version of YouTube. It contains timeless classics like “You are a dog born in the age of consumerism” and “Depression is an evil illness now spreading amongst dogs of every breed, dogs belonging to every social class.” The butter commercial from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend could never. And I wish the whole movie was as surreal as this TV program but unfortunately it’s as bland and directionless as Nina herself.

And boy is it directionless. There aren’t any subplots in the movie, no cause and effect, no acts, no structure, no flow; only scenes that happen, and I can’t even find any reasons for the order in which they happen. The scenes also don’t start or end; they just interrupt each other, not leaving any emotional impact. For example, there’s a scene where Nina sees her future self. She’s on one of those midnight walks with the good boy Homer when she sees a couple being romantic. The woman is wearing a long red dress, and the man is in all black. The shot is wide, so it’s impossible to see their faces, but the woman is obviously Nina:

And the man is definitely Luca. I recognized his ass. I’m not joking, guys. It’s his ass:

Also I was later directed to the website of the photographer who took the set photos, and yes, it’s Nina and Luca.

I never forget an ass.

Anyway, Nina, who at this point hasn’t properly met Luca’s character, Fabrizio, sees herself from the future acting romantic with him, and doesn’t react. We don’t even know if she recognizes herself or him or whether it’s even a real scene or a dream. How are we supposed to empathize with a heroine who isn’t allowed to react to her environment?

Whatever, it’s time to talk about Fabrizio. He plays the cello and he’s obnoxious. That’s it. He first appears as a patron of Caffé Palombini, the real-world café Nina frequents (and buys her cakes at). She’s drinking her usual milk shake and reading. At some point, their eyes meet, but neither says anything, and then Nina gets up and runs after the good boy Homer who decided to take a little stroll by himself. She leaves all her things behind: her milk shake, her handbag, at least three books, a whole stack of paper for calligraphy, and her diary. It’s obvious she’s going to come back as soon as she gets the dog. And yet before her feet are even out of frame, Fabrizio gets up, goes to her table and fucking steals her diary!

His next several appearances are random and sporadic, and it looks like he’s stalking Nina, but by the time of his first actual scene she is following him for some reason. Obviously, he can’t let a woman outcreep him, so he ambushes her:

He tells her blankly, “You’re following me,” but I think this scene deserves better dialogue. Thankfully, we have a whole well of predator/maiden media to pull from.

Though I personally believe this is the most appropriate line:

Fabrizio lets Nina know he has her diary in the dickiest way possible: he quotes from it to let her know that he’s read it. He then informs her that he’ll only give it back to her if she continues following him. And it’s not blackmail; “it’s an agreement.” What an asshole! I’m weeping for the dignified cuckoldry of Joseph.

And what was the purpose of that “agreement” plot point if the next time they meet is by chance? Quirky love interest writing, duh. So quirky that the accidental meeting happens when Nina is walking past a phone booth where Fabrizio is… doing a phone prank? I don’t know, I got nothing. Anyway, he’s annoyed their meeting is unintentional on Nina’s part, but he returns her diary, and I guess they start dating? He watches her sing once with what could only be described as a complete absence of emotions:

In the next scene she watches him play the cello after which they go on a date. Nina is wearing the red dress from the vision, but Fabrizio’s shirt is different. I fucking give up.

Their next (second?) date is a romantic dinner on Nina’s roof, and they’re dancing for entirely too long. She then tells him she’s scared of how much she’s enjoying his company, gives him a ridiculously chaste kiss goodnight and… completely ghosts him afterwards. And if you didn’t dislike Fabrizio before, you will now as he starts calling Nina at ungodly hours (including 5:30 am) and leaving her very whiny and increasingly more passive-aggressive, entitled, and accusatory voicemails. At some point he even leaves a voicemail for the fucking dog! He’s like, “Homer, I’m worried, meet me at the café.” Again, quirky love interest writing: extortion, phone pranks and a voicemail for a dog.

Fabrizio then lets Nina know he’ll be leaving town in three days in case she’d like to see him one last time or whatever. And she never fucking does! In any other movie she’d be chasing through the airport, but here she just drops him like he’s a well-tucked shirt! She tells the kid she’s befriended (she hangs out with an eleven-year-old boy the whole movie, don’t worry about it) that she’s afraid to be “like everyone else”, with a job and a boyfriend, so she doesn’t even say goodbye to Fabrizio. At some point she goes for a walk with the good boy Homer, and Fabrizio is also there, and they just miss each other. Even fate isn’t interested in that romance.

And then all the fascist buildings get covered in gigantic paper figurines, and the red-dressed Nina runs into Fabrizio’s arms. Because of course.

Nina is one of those movies where the main theme — a struggle to grow up — is obvious, but the rest of the elements are a mess only the writer-director could decipher. And I don’t really care. Again, I had to read Japanese postmodernists at university. What I do care about is the male form I mentioned at the start. I know I have no one but myself to blame for my expectations of how the director should have framed Luca’s body or face, but it’s one thing to frame him blandly and a completely different thing to isolate him as the only character (or actor) she’s deeply uninterested in filming competently. Everyone else in the movie gets their fair share of close-ups and decent lighting whilst Luca — whose name is literally second in the credits — gets, um, neglected.

This is his introduction:

These are literally all his close-ups:

Should I even count this last one? What’s with the lighting? Like, this is as well-lit as his face gets:

Oh, the shot is too wide and you can’t see his face properly? Well, tough poop:

Are you kidding me with this shit?

Nina may not be objectively the most terrible of the movies Luca’s been in: I’d argue both Mary of Nazareth and L’ultimo terrestre are worse, as is Slam, whose time’s a-coming. Nor is it the movie where Luca appears the least (The Great Beauty’s literal one minute of screen time is saying hi). But it’s the only movie I have no reasons to watch: it’s blandly shot, poorly structured, badly themed — and it’s actively obstructing Luca’s beauty and charisma. So no matter which film you’ll ask me to do next, at least in terms of the visual component of my posts, we have nowhere to go but up.

[friendoftheelves]

People, what is somethings you wish writers knew about your culture, I'll start (I'm English):

If you say British-English I will riot. It's standard English, American English is just the most commonly spoken version of English, being the dominant culture

Nobody cares about sports at Secondary school, I didn't realise my school had sports teams until like year 11 when I saw them leaving and it was just a casual observation

Also Primary school = reception to year 6 or ages 4 to 11, Secondary school = years 7 to 11 or ages 11 to 16, Sixth Form (attached to a secondary school) and college (independent from a secondary school but otherwise same thing) = 16 to 18. Primary school to Secondary school is compulsory, after that you have to attend some form of further education whether that be an apprenticeship or sixth form/college is up to you. It is common to have a compulsory uniform for secondary school and less common for both primary school and sixth form/college. Primary school and sixth form/college uniforms are noteworthy whereas a lack of compulsory uniform in secondary school is noteworthy

American culture is the dominant one, we have watched and read a lot of American media

If you're poor, you live in a council flat and probably have free school meals, "trailer trash" isn't really a thing because trailers just aren't a common occurrence, the only group I can think of that commonly lives in "trailers" is 'gypsy' who are their own community and live in motorhomes. Discrimination against them is common but not in your face, which I will explain in a bit because that is its own point

People care a lot about both rugby and football and if you call it soccer and act all superior about you will make a lot of people mad because British football officially came first and a lot of languages call it something that sounds very close to football in their language and American football is closer to rugby in how it looks to us so it is a very sore point

Also, in case you haven't gathered, Britain is subtly anti-American we had an empire and we are bitter we lost it so seeing America get to where we were is something Britain does not react well to

British culture is all about pretending everything so normal and subduing, ignoring and otherwise refusing to acknowledge what strays from that "normal" so unless we are forced to openly acknowledge it we will not and then we will passive aggressively snipe at it. American culture is all about being in your face, British culture is all about pretending we don't see what's wrong. We refuse to acknowledge we even had an empire

Class is a big deal. The elites in our culture have historically been their own one and this is still seen today. Class divide is what defines us. We have things like the house of commons and the house of lords. Rather than the rich ending up in positions of power due to society falling to prevent their privilege, British culture and actively encourages elite power. There is still discrimination but because of the importance of class divide and the British refusal to acknowledge our own faults, it presents differently. Race is seen as it's own class below working class and there is discrimination between the white classes. The working class are seen as beneath the rich and the rich are seen as 'upperclass tw**s'. The middle class are then seen as traitors and having abandoned the working class because the elite government has purposefully drafted policies to ensure that happens

Also,all of the above applies to English culture. There are three countries in Great Britain and 4 countries in the UK. England, Wales, Scotland and North Ireland and the divide between these countries is clear. Scotland actively hates England, Wales passive aggressively hates us and Ireland is a mess we created (I would suggest waiting for someone who is Irish to explain that because I don't know enough about it and it is an incredibly complicated topic which plays a significant role in politics)

Also we dislike the French, Britain and France are rivals because we have been fighting on and off for centuries but the French are still seen as equals. We dislike them but we will fight alongside them if if comes to it

Also accents are important, because of the class divide, if you have a working class accent you are being discriminated against, if you have a posh accent you will be hated but people will respect your 'authority', no matter how much they hate

Oxbridge is elitist but there are so many other great Unis across the UK

To American media specifically, stop romanticising British culture, I have never seen the academia aesthetic you are portraying and it irritates, we are not just the rich upper class, look at our history people you portray and because of the class divide it hurts to see that as our only representation

Also London is its own thing, Britain does not recognise London as representative of Britain and London does not like everywhere that is London, it is the most diverse and the biggest city in the entirety of England by a large margin, it does not feel like the rest of Britain

On that point, there are many, many other cities and other towns outside of London, please acknowledge them (having never been to a lot of cities I can't explain them to you)

London does have divides within it such as the divide between North and South of the river, the South does not want to be part of London and the North refuses to acknowledge it. The Northern edge of London is also up for debate, for me it is the edge of Zone 3 (on a tube map) and the other side of the North circular by car but for others it might be further in or out so be aware of that. There is also divide between the post codes for example Wood Green and Tottenham, both have the same council (Haringey) but there is a clear divide between them only further emphasises by Haringey having two MPs one for Tottenham (David Lammey) and one for Wood Green and Hornsey. Both Wood Green and Tottenham have bad reps but the Wood Green half of Haringey starts drifting into middle class at its edges with Hornsey being solidly middle class so be aware of the variation in boroughs

And, London has no centre. It is a city that grew with its country and absorbed the surrounding towns. So if you say the centre of London people will assume you mean a specific part in zone 1 but will not know which part you are talking about and will assume you are talking in a generalisation. If they are traveling with you though, they will expect further clarification, don't say the centre and expect me to know where

Also, there is no space between houses in England, they are mostly semi-detached. I once watched an episode of escape to the country where someone tried to find a detached house and just struggled massively. You either have to pay loads of money or be in the middle of nowhere before your house is fully detached and it will still be only the same distance away from another house as the average American house is. We have one of the highest populations in Europe but a small land mass

Going on from that, Britain is definitely European and has a lot of shared culture whilst still obviously being it's own thing (like every single other country) but Britain acts like and will get mad at the suggestion that they are European like any other European country because 'we are entirely seperate and on an island and how can we not have become our own thing' the actual variation is because Rome (contrary to what the school system will teach you) had very little impact on Britain so we aren't as similar to the other Latin speaking countries as is expected, the main reason we are still similar is because of the impact of Norman conquest. Also everyone underestimated the effect of Scandinavian and Germanic culture on Britain because we act like all they did was pillage when in fact they settled down and where embraced by Briton (unlike Rome which did actually pillage and subjugate Britain without being widely accepted) so that's why there is variation. We are very European but not in the way people expect so Britain refuses to acknowledge it

Honestly British culture is a lesson in tolerance versus acceptance. But there is still active discrimination as people of colour and the LGBTQ+ can attest

Also Christianity is baked into Britain to the point that even atheists follow Christian customs without questioning it but significantly less extreme than France which just stops on Sundays (but is acknowledged as a Christian country so you know) and 'pagan' - so, in this case, Celtic, anglosaxon and Norse - culture has effected us being carried down in fairy tales and witchcraft

Some of this will be upsetting to many people as it should be because British culture hurts, it discriminates without acknowledging it and I want people to know that. I want people to see that when they write about it because the alternative is writing about Britain as if it has faults and that would be so much worse. So writers, please bear all of this in mind when talking about Britain, even and especially, the ugly parts

This has been a white, middle class, Londoners, perspective on Britain and no I will not call myself English because the divide between England and London means that being a Londoner rather than just English matters in this context

I would recommend listening to the perspective of Brits from other groups, such as England, Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland, working class, upper class, Brit of colour, non-passing queer folk, Muslim, Hindu, Indian (the largest immigrant group is actually Indian and that's just immigrated in their lifetime rather than born British and Indian), Jewish (especially Jewish I can talk about that on another post but let's just say the Jewish have never been accepted but always been part of Europe) and so on, to get a more comprehensive view of Britain

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

Evanescence: “Guitarists need to be honest. Use your voice. We don’t need fake – we need humanity and real people”

Jen Majura and Troy McLawhorn wax lyrical on the high-octane gear, influences and themes behind the band's upcoming fifth album, The Bitter Truth

The Bitter Truth, the fifth full-length from Evanescence set for release in March 2021, will be their first album of new material in a decade. The American arena group led by singer/keyboardist Amy Lee had already released three singles, though the record’s completion was stalled by the virus pandemic that dominated headlines for much of the year.

The first sessions took place at the beginning of 2020 with rock super producer Nick Raskulinecz [Foo Fighters, Rush, Alice In Chains] in his Nashville studio, spawning the tracks we’ve heard so far – Wasted On You, The Game Is Over and Use My Voice. Then, of course, came Covid, putting an end to safe travel and forcing virtually all plans to change.

For the members in America, it was incredibly problematic. For German guitarist Jen Majura, who joined in 2015, it was an absolute nightmare. Nevertheless, the group kept chiseling away and fleshing out their parts for album number five.

When Guitar World tracks down Majura and co-guitarist Troy McLawhorn towards the end of 2020, things are still very much in the process of being finalized...

Looking back now, that session in Nashville must feel like a very long time ago!

Majura: “Definitely! What hit me so hard was that we’d recorded that first chunk of songs and waved goodbye at the airport, thinking we’d be back in a couple of weeks. And then suddenly this pandemic hit, airports were all shut!

“I had never felt more apart from my friends in the States than since this all started. It’s so unnatural for me not to be there! I’m very old-school – I like my tube amp and 4x12 cabinet. I like to sit in the studio with the humans I’m working with and creating in the moment.

“Being away from Amy and the boys while working on material has felt so unnatural to me, but that’s the we have to do it and we have to make the best out of it. The time we spent with Nick in Nashville was the happiest ever.

“It felt amazing to see these songs coming to life – you have this idea but when you are all in a room creating, things change and become better, you end up trying out different ways. It’s such a vibrant and beautiful way of working. But I get it, there’s this thing called corona, so you know…”

This will be your first album working together on new material. How do you go about splitting guitar parts?

McLawhorn: “Whenever we’re jamming, if someone comes up with up something cool, they play it. There’s no set thing. So far I’ve probably played the majority of the lead guitar – if Jen comes up with something she is always welcome to play whatever it is. It’s a good working relationship. The first batch of songs, the first three that came out, were done in one session before the coronavirus hit. We were all together for those ones.

“But then Jen flew home back to Germany and we were supposed to tour in Europe, but it all got cancelled. Everything we’ve done since then has been without Jen with us, we’ve been kinda flying sessions back and forth. I probably played a lot of the guitar on the album, but she’s been coming up with cool ideas and putting her stamp on it too.”

The Game Is Over definitely feels like the heavier side of Evanescence…

McLawhorn: “There’s a lot of good stuff like that on this one, stuff that people will be surprised by maybe. There’s a fair amount of that aggressive type of music, but it’s a good mixture. So far everyone’s heard the lighter side of the album, like Use My Voice and Wasted On You… but then there’s The Game Is Over. It was a lot of fun to play and there’s more heavy stuff on there too!”

Majura: “That bridge is so heavy, I love it! It’s going back to the real rock roots and having lots of fun. When you have a low-tuned guitar you have to be a bit careful – you can’t just smash your strings but they will warp a bit.

“I remember forcing myself, especially during the bridge, to play gentle even though it had this badass attitude. It took me a couple of takes… the first ones were completely out of tune [laughs]!”

Jen, it must have been a rollercoaster five years for you. How did you end up getting the gig?

Majura: “What happened was that I was playing bass in another band, not really being happy as I’m a guitar player. We happened to play two festivals, one in Germany and one in the Czech Republic. And it turns out Testament were playing the same days as us.

“I’m a huge Alex Skolnick fan, so we ended up talking and keeping in touch. A couple of days later, I got this very mysterious email from him saying, ‘Jen! Some friends of mine are going to contact you and I can’t reveal too much but I think it’s something you should say yes to!’ I was wondering what the hell he was talking about…

“And then a day later, I got this email from Evanescence’s management asking if I would be interested in… and I didn’t even finish reading the email. I just immediately replied ‘Yes!’ and sent it. That was a total no-brainer.

“So this was around July 2015 and the next evening I was on the phone with Amy talking. She invited me to come visit her in New York and hang out. I thought, ‘Okay… cool!’ and three days later I was on a plane flying to fuckin’ New York wondering if this was really happening. It was insane.”

Did you bring your guitar?

Majura: “I didn’t! I asked her if I needed to bring one and she said, ‘Nah, I know you can play, I’ve seen plenty of videos – let’s just hang out!’ And that’s exactly what we did for the next three days. Hanging out, long walks and talks, going out for dinner or to a concert. Becoming friends and getting to know each other on a more human relationship kind of base.

“I realize now that’s the biggest deal when you have to replace a member. A band is a family. I’d like to quote Rob Zombie on that, because he said it in the movie Hired Gun!

“Finding a good player is the easy part – the world is full of virtuosos. You also need someone who can commit to touring, being on the road and that whole lifestyle. The third and last thing, also the toughest, is that you need people you can stand hanging out with 24/7.

“Concerts are only 90 minutes – what about all the other hours in the day? You need to all fit together. Within those first few days with Amy, I realized we both had a strong work ethic and know exactly what we want, which is beautiful.

“She’s a very strong character. I appreciate her musicality and personality too, she quickly became one of my best friends because we laughed about the same things and then figured out we both love Sex and the City [laugh]! I am so grateful and thankful to have experienced everything I have with her and the boys.”

Troy, you’ve been a member of Seether and filled in for Sevendust on some tours, but you’ve been an on/off member of Evanescence for over a decade now…

McLawhorn: “Yeah, to be honest, I never really left Evanescence. We have big breaks between albums. When I did my first tour with the band, Amy told me she was taking a long break, probably around four or five years. I just went out to find something to do in the meantime and ended up playing in Seether for a few years…

“When it was time for me to leave, it coincided with Amy being ready to do another album. And it was a huge coincidence. I ended up in New York and went to Amy’s house. I was having trouble in Seether and wasn’t happy there, and she said she’d love me to come work on the new album. That’s how it all went down.

“There seems to be some pretty long breaks in between albums with this band but I think that’s part of Amy’s creative process. She likes to take her time when she’s writing the lyrics. The final product always turns out really nice that way, so why mess with it?”

What can you tell us about the gear responsible for the guitar sounds on this album?

Majura: “I signed up with Synergy Amps in November last year. When I joined, I think Steve Vai was the only big name working with them, but I figured if it’s Steve Vai it’s gotta be fucking great. So I went over to check their amp out and I was very skeptical. It looks like a tube amp but with all these holes and parts missing!

“But I plugged in, hit one chord and realized it was actually phenomenal. They’ve sent all the different modules to me, like the Diezel, and the perfect solution for me was the Friedman HBE. It has the perfect rock and roll sound for my solos but it also has the mighty depth of high-gain stuff too – which are all frequencies you need for Evanescence.

“I was originally expecting I’d go with the Diezel one, but the Friedman felt more right for me. I’m very open-minded when it comes to technology. You have two modules, each with two channels, so you get a four-channel amp made out of your favorites.

“For example, I could combine a Vox AC30 Brian May sound with a Diezel VH4. It’s phenomenal what they’ve managed to open up for us musicians in terms of sound options. It’s been my tour rig and studio rig ever since.”

McLawhorn: “I used a combination of different things on this album. On The Game Is Over, it was basically my live setup which is an Orange Rockerverb 100, with an analog pedalboard.

“A big part of the tone I get from the amp comes down to a 10-band EQ I use to boost the mids on the lead channel. That’s about it – I don’t really use overdrive pedals or anything like that and probably use less gain than most modern guitarists. I almost use EQ to find a modern sound, instead of more gain.

“I also have a Fractal Axe-Fx III, which I’ve used here and there on the album, especially for clean parts – it’s really good for that. I’ve done some overdubs with the II as well, stuff that has a lot of effects or sounds really wet – Axe-Fx is great for that, too. I also have a 1969 Marshall Superbass 100 which we split with a Bogner Ecstasy or Uberschall, and used for the rhythm tracks on a couple of songs.”

And how about for guitars?

Majura: “I’ve been with Ibanez for many years now and I’m very happy. They deliver the most perfect instruments. You pick up an instrument and either like it or not. Some of them seem to instantly merge with your system – you become one – and that is true of most Ibanez guitars, at least for me.

“Of course I’ve played Les Pauls and other things, but they’re really not my style. I have so many Ibanez guitars now. I think the AZ series was such a smart move – the family is even bigger and better now… Look at players like Tim Henson, who is just amazing. He makes me feel so old. He’ll be nailing it and I’m at home just playing along to AC/DC or something!

“For pedals, I stick with the Line 6 Helix pedalboard because I remember at my first rehearsal in 2015, they would tell me certain parts would need a chorus or flanger or this or that. At the end of the rehearsal I had a battery of pedals in front of me and realized I couldn’t do it. I’ve never been a pedal dancer. I went to Line 6 asking for a solution and they were just about to come out with the Helix… it was perfect.”

McLawhorn: “I was using a baritone PRS SE. I changed the pickups out, but that’s it – I love the guitar and how it plays. I tried a few different sets, most by Seymour Duncan. One of my seven-strings has a Seymour that my tech put in on the road and I don’t know which one it is! He just found it in my guitar coffin and asked if we should throw it in. It stayed for the rest of the tour – it was probably a JB, who knows!

“But the one on the record is the Distortion (SH-6). I really like how they sound. At first, they were a little hot for what I like – I tend to prefer somewhere in between modern metal and classic rock. It felt like really high gain, way too much, especially when switching from my other guitars. But he really lowered the pickup down and that fixed everything, making everything super-tight and adding some nice mids.”

Use My Voice has a really powerful message behind it…

Majura: “Yes! Another thing that connects me and Amy very strongly is that we both went through moments in our careers where males would tell us, ‘You’re just a girl – what do you know?’ It’s time for strong women – in rock or wherever – to stand up and say being good at a craft has nothing to do with gender. It’s been happening for way too long.

“That feeling of our voices being suppressed needs to change, because every voice matters. We’re all the same. It does not matter if you are male or female or transgender… humans are humans. I think we should spend more time understanding why we’re the same. Use My Voice is an important message for women to stand up and be heard.”

Where do you think your influences differ as guitar players?

Majura: “The first guitar hero I had at around 10 or 11 was Steve Vai. He was so revolutionary in terms of what he’s done for the guitar world, both sound-wise and crafts-wise. Electric guitar wouldn’t be what it is today without Steve Vai.

“I respect him so much for how he feels and talks through his instrument. He’s influenced my thinking about a lot of things. He’s an amazing person, not just an amazing musician.

“Then I got into Nuno Bettencourt, who plays for the sake of the song instead of showing off. Which is what I tried to do on my first solo album, Inzenity, everyone expected a shred album and it wasn’t. I played for the song. If it didn’t require a guitar solo then fine, I’d just leave it. I didn’t need to prove to the world how good I was.

“Nuno also has the percussive style of playing, which brings this tone that I really like. And finally, Angus Young. I’ve been playing in an AC/DC tribute band for four years and I love his playing.”

McLawhorn: “A lot of them for me were the classic players while I was growing up. So Ace Frehley for sure… KISS were like Slipknot for us who grew up in the '70s [laughs]! Then there’s Jimmy Page and Jimi Hendrix. Tony Iommi as well, he was a massive influence on me as a kid.

“Eddie Van Halen was a huge influence on me, too – it was very sad that we lost him so early and so young. When Van Halen came out, I started taking guitar very seriously. The bluesy side of his playing always appealed to me but he also had all that technical prowess, too. A very inspiring guitar player for so many people.”

What advice can you offer anyone out there hoping to become a good session player?

McLawhorn: “You need to know how to communicate with people. I’ve done sessions with some Nashville guys that have this shorthand way of writing music. Reading music and knowing theory is always important… I wish I knew more myself.

“It puts you at ease walking into a session knowing you read and play anything back. I can’t really do that – I just really really listen and learn things by memory. I can read some music but that’s going back to trumpet at high school [laughs]. So I rely on communication always!”

Majura: “I think guitar players need to be honest. Use your voice. Be real. Be pure. We don’t need fake, we need humanity and real people. What I love about people like Mattias IA Eklundh is he’s just himself. He’s pure and innovative in a really interesting way.

“I’ve gotten to know guys like him, Guthrie Govan, Richie Kotzen and Jeff Waters – they’re all awesome and very honest players. I think one should never think one has seen it all and learned it all.

“We need to keep in mind we’re all on a journey in search of becoming better. In terms of advice, I always have to say being open to different styles is so important. There’s something to learn every day. You should never stop trying to improve to make the world a better place. You should never stop learning… that’s what makes you human.”

[calleo-bricriu]

A couple of months ago, one of my aunts replied to a text where I mentioned tarot and runes by telling me of course I was innately good at it because everyone on that side of the family is.

I mostly dismissed it as she’s a little...off to begin with, and then vaguely started to recall a particular relative of mine who died when I was about 5, that some people might know the name of if they’ve ever read or watched anything around the topic of Hitler & the Occult.

So this guy right here is a relative of mine on my dad’s side.

https://www.astro.com/astrowiki/de/Wilhelm_Wulff That particular site is in German but the auto-translation in Chrome is decent.

He’s best known for a combination of being the author of Zodiac & the Swastika ( http://www.skyscript.co.uk/wulff1.html ), which you should definitely read because it’s both interesting and the guy’s train of thought derails as often as mine does, but always circles back to why the rambling side quest he took you on was, in fact, entirely related to the thing he’d started saying.

Even in the first chapter, after a brief intro, he launches into, “This is why Astrologers in the past were wrong, because they couldn’t manage to extrapolate data correctly, so I’m going to thoroughly correct their mistakes 300 years later.” for awhile before getting back on track.

The guy took his dad’s offer of, “Get into business :)” and went with, “No thanks, I’d rather be an Astrologer and do art.” and did exactly that. One of the first things he predicted accurately was when and how his brother would be severely injured in WWI (did that in 1912) and was pretty spot on on everything throughout his career.

He wrote other books, mostly in the 1920s, but that one is the one he’s most known for.

He also did not enjoy the job he was forced into after a purge in 1941 in which his condition of release from a concentration camp for doing Astrology things (as that was illegal) was, “You work for us now and you get to go live at one of Himmler’s places.” He did most of his readings for Himmler and occasionally Hitler, but was required to do them just in general for high ranking SS officers largely because he was always alarmingly right about everything.

I think my favorite prediction he did, though, was one that was more, “So, I’m phrasing this like a rambling, mystical sounding ‘I saw the future’ and you’re stupid enough to believe it and what little joy I get out of this job is right here where I’m telling you a bunch of us are very literally going to try and kill the lot of you on or around this particular date in 1944.”

Toward the end of WWII he used to get badgered constantly for readings on how the war was going to continue going and if it was something that could be turned around and every time it was a variant of, “Nope. Catastrophic failure. :)” worded in less of a way that was likely to get him shot. The guy had Hitler’s death written down in a forecast just about to the correct exact time of day as well.

That book though, THAT BOOK...the thing he hated most after the war was that everyone just assumed he’d totally joined up willingly and that absolutely was not the case. He hated those people,and so much of the book is just either passive-aggressively or straight up aggressively throwing all of them under the bus about how dense they all were and how none of them, despite rumors to the contrary because that’s how propaganda works, actually believed in Astrology or Divination it was legitimately just a propaganda tool to make it seem like not only were they geniuses in general but they were also geniuses with ‘magic’ as well.

Seriously, look at this guy, he just looks like the exact sort of absolute nerd who would, in fact, decide he doesn’t want a normal job and have a successful 80+ long year career just doing divination and art. The pic on that wiki is so much nicer to see than what you see in any of the history books that include him as, in those, he’s always stuffed into an SS uniform and hanging around next to Himmler or Hitler.

Anyway, I ramble more about it here, and this one goes into the thing I got the ability to do apart from standard card and rune readings: http://occlumens.net/wtf If you don’t want to sit through my rambling train of thought, here’s the spoiler: I can accurately predict the day and time of death of family members within a couple of hours to the point that my parents have long since asked me to call them immediately if a relative ever shows up in my head to tell me a variant of, “Hey, I have to take off now, bye!” My dad and brother just have what they stubbornly insist is “good intuition” because they both think it’s weird af.

[theliterateape]

The Orwellian DoubleSpeak of Anti-

by Don Hall

Everybody's talking at me I don't hear a word they're saying Only the echoes of my mind People stopping, staring I can't see their faces Only the shadows of their eyes — Harry Nilsson

Upon the road to Damascus I encountered a Christian.

He smiled. "Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior, friend?"

I smiled back. "No. I was in to all that when I was younger but have found that the societal constructs that surround that belief system don't make much sense to me."

He stopped smiling. "So you are anti-Christ?"

"No. Not anti-Christ. Just not pro-Christ, I guess."

He launched into an increasingly angry monologue. Highlights of this polemic were a few simple concepts. If I wasn't pro-Christianity then I was, by his definition, against it. By refusing to see and capitulate to his faith, I was his enemy. By not joining him in his beliefs, I was actively denying them.

I decided to walk on, his taunts and rage following me for a half mile before he got tired of yelling.

✶

Upon the road to Starbucks along Clark Street in Chicago I encountered a Cubs fan.

He smiled. "How about them Cubbies, huh?"

"I smiled back. "I don't really follow sports. Not my thing."

"So you hate the Cubs? Why do you hate the Cubs? Are you one of those fair-weather fans or what? Motherfucker!" He spit on me as he stormed off.

✶

Upon the road to Circa on Fremont Street in Las Vegas I encountered a transgender woman.

She smiled. I smiled and continued walking.

"What? Are you fucking transphobic or what? What's your fucking problem?

I turned. "I don't know what you're getting pissed about. All I did was smile."

"But I could tell. You're transphobic, right?"

"No. Not transphobic."

"You didn't even ask for my pronouns!"

"Oh. I don't really care what your pronouns are because I don't know you. It seems you assume I'll be talking about you to someone. Otherwise, your pronouns are irrelevant to me."

"TRANSPHOBE!" she screamed and pointed. She collapsed on the cement walkway. "I can't take the micro aggressions!"

✶

The further into the tribal mindset we submerge ourselves into in America, the less likely we are able to communicate effectively.

I recall, years ago, as I was directing the very popular series of DADA Soirées in Chicago, realizing that the nonsense poetry and onstage chaos required a certain set of rules the DADAists needed to grasp onto lest the shows become a bunch of poorly improvised faux-German moments.

Each DADAist performed nonsense poems but I directed them to have each poem mean something that they are trying to communicate to the audience but the audience doesn't understand the language and thus cannot receive the meaning. It made the characters of the DADAists frustrated and angry and made the show increasingly confrontational.

We're now entering the DADAist stage of American dysfunction as we are all desperately trying to communicate ideas to others who simply aren't using the same language. It sounds the same but meanings are changing and it fuels more frustration and anger and results in an almost non-stop confrontation.

✶

Ricky Gervais, on a radio talkshow, makes a point that racism is horrible but, in his opinion, it is the intent that makes it racist rather than the reception. "That's why," he added,"wearing blackface is racist but wearing a mud mask is not."

The caller rejects this and claims that Gervais is practicing white supremacy. He continues to tell Gervais that racism and white supremacy are the same thing which Ricky disputes. They talk over each other until one of the hosts get frustrated and dismisses the caller as being completely full of shit.

✶

As used in 1984, doublethink is the ability to hold two completely contradictory thoughts simultaneously while believing both of them to be true. In Orwell's book, doublethink was critical to the success of the Party as it supported the state-imposed practice of language control, or newspeak.

Our new version of doublethink proliferates itself as different tribes redefine ideas and intentionally confuse communication.

How bizarre that when cops kill people, we blame cops but when 108 people are shot in Chicago over the July 4th weekend, we blame the guns. Which is it? The doublethink holds that both are true with no explanation. It's either guns or the people or perhaps a far more complicated cocktail of reasons that include cops, criminals, poverty, and the proliferation of guns but, fuck, isn't that too many problems to solve so let's simplify it down to cops and guns are bad, criminals have excuses, and what the fuck does this all mean?

How malfunctioning is it that for half the U.S. population cancel culture means holding the powerful accountable but for the other half it means online bullying to punish people for stupid things they did or said 20 years ago. For every Weinstein there is a Franken, for every Louis C.K. there is a James Gunn.

"Equality" is now "equity" but only for 50% of the country. For a tiny but increasingly vocal bunch the term "mother" has been replaced with "birthing person". "Riots" are "protests" or "rebellions" unless you are on the other side of the issue. Blacks who marched on the Capitol with the predominantly white mob are now considered to be suffering from "multicultural whiteness."

Even Orwell would've had a hard time imagining this bullshit.

✶

We are not speaking the same language between tribes these days. There has to be common understanding of usable terms and insisting upon preferred definitions only makes it more difficult to communicate. No communication, no unity of purpose. No unity of purpose, no society.

For me, given my completely unexceptional position in society, I will go with the definitions I prefer and do my best to be respectful of the lunacy of others.

No matter what you call elbow pasta with cheese sauce, it's still Mac n Cheese. And bullshit is bullshit even if you want to have it identify as stroganoff.

[definitelynotobito]

akatsuki college au headcanons?

Sorry if this is inaccurate I've never been to college

Pain/Nagato -

Takes French.

Business major.

Studies hard but usually doesn't give up his sleep for it unless it's really urgent. Little boy loves his sleep.

He plays rugby and is actually pretty good at it, though he's really only average.

Hates parties and might even be that person who calls the police on them because they're being too loud.

Total tattle tale.

He tries to jampack all of his classes into one day and actually can handle it.

Konan -

At first couldn't decide if she wanted to take French or Russian, but she went with French since Nagato was going there.

Paper Science and Engineering major.

Studies an actual healthy amount.

Sasori and Deidara didn't go to the same art classes so she became Deidara's new art rival. They glare at eachother from across the room and ask everyone who's art is better.

Plays soccer and is best on the team. She tries really hard and is really aggressive sometimes.

Starts an origami club. There are only three members, and they're all only there because they're her friends. Pain is one of them.

Zetsu -

He took Chinese in highschool when he secretly already knew it. Less studying.

Majors in Botany.

Early to all his classes because he really has nothing better to do.

He had no friends so he just started talking to himself and now he doesn't want any friends.

Created a Botany club and was actually pretty surprised when a few people joined.

Deidara -

Tried to ram of all of his classes into one day once. Never again.

Takes German because he thinks it makes him sound more intimidating.

Majors in sculpture.

In the art club and thinks he's the leader.

Tries to sneak food into class. Fails miserably.

Very popular.

Falls asleep in class a lot and rarely studies but somehow still gets a good grade in everything and passes. Many are envious.

Sasori -

Studies a lot, though not as much as Itachi.

Doesn't like parties. If he is ever forced to go to one (most likely by Deidara) he is just that kid who sits in the corner.

Takes French for aesthetic reasons.

Majors in engineering.

He volunteers to help animals and stuff like that but won't admit it to anyone.

Sits down in his seat at the same time the bell rings. He's never early or late.

Tobi -

Tries to get as many roommates as possible so he doesn't have to pay so much rent.

Gets really drunk at parties and cries in the corner next to Sasori.

Studies for like one hour every night and thinks it's good enough. Barely passes.

Majors in criminology.

Takes Russian.

Theatre kid!! Is very good at acting and can play any role ever with little to no practice at all.

Kisame -

Lovessss parties. He goes to all of them, even if he's not invited. Doesn't drink a lot but every once in a while he gets a massive hangover the next morning.

Majors in Marine Biology.

Watches a lot of motivational youtube videos while studying to keep him going.

Definitely on the swim team and also the fastest and most elegant swimmer.

Also takes French.

Itachi -

Studies all night long. No one ever gets to sleep in college, but that especially goes for him. Has huge eye bags.

Even if he isn't studying, he's probably wide awake doing something.

Takes French for romance reasons.

Majors in philosophy.

Wants to run track but doesn't have great stamina and can't keep it up for long. Runs out of breath quickly.

Refuses to wear glasses even though he obviously needs them. Sits in the front of every class.

He's part of the philosophy club too. They just kinda sit around the table and talk about really deep things.

He also might join the poetry club. His poetry is really hard to decipher and kind of dark.

Kakuzu -

Lets just say he was very upset when he found out it costs money to park your car on campus.

Punches vending machines when they don't give him what he wants.

Takes Russian.

Sits down and tries to commit to studying but once things get really confusing he gets angry and just stops.

Majors in accounting.

He's a thief™ and steals a lot of things from people and never gets caught.

He's part of the poetry club and really bad at it. People try to encourage him to try harder but he gets angry.

Doesn't really do parties, and when he does he just kind of stands around.

Hidan -

Also takes German because it makes him sound scarier.

Majors in Religious Studies.

Goes to Bible Studies just to make fun of Christianity and try to convert everyone.

Party animal. Very hungover on Saturday morning.

There's a rumor going around he works the night shift at the graveyard with Kakuzu.

Talks back to his teachers.

Hidan tries to do the thing with the mechanical pencil where you pretend to stab yourself but he actually does.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #385

“I am a human being, capable of doing terrible things”

Who in your family has been married the longest? (and how long?) Uhhhh. I don't know. Do you take your shoes off when you come inside? Yes. What’s your favorite movie series? I think Shrek when you consider all the movies' (well, I haven't seen the last one, but...) quality. No memeage here, I just genuinely love Shrek, haha. I would say The Lion King, but miraculously when you consider the focus on meerkats, I actually don't like 1 1/2 much. What was the first color you ever dyed your hair? Hm... I think I got purple highlights? Do you want to move anytime soon? Even though we haven't even lived here a year, yes. I don't like living in an urban area, and I also reeeeaaaally don't like our family friend being our landlord. I know that sounds very weird, but she's just a very controlling person who forcefully inserts herself into my family's lives now more than ever, and I have a pretty deep fear that a potential argument finally erupting will lead to us being kicked out. I genuinely don't think Tobey would ever do that, but the fear is still there. How good/bad was the quality of education you received in high school? Average, I guess? What was the most interesting year of your life, and why? "Interesting," maybe... 2017 or 2018? I learned a lot about myself in that time range. But at the same time, my life was (and still is) VERY uneventful. Just a lot of mental stuff went on. What was the first social media site you ever used? Myspace. Do you have any exes you really regret dating? REALLY regret? No. I wish I'd never dated Tyler, but it's not a massive regret or anything. He was still a cool guy that I have a few nice memories with. Have you ever lied on a resume? Or even in a job interview? Ha, I'd definitely stretch the truth about being more of a people-person than I am. I couldn't go too far with lying, though; I'm just not comfortable doing that, 'cuz like, they're gonna find out eventually that it's not true. Of all your friends & family, who has the most nicely-decorated home? Maybe my friend Summer. Her room has always been super cool. What brought about the end of the worst relationship you’ve been in? Apparently, not talking to him every second of every day two weeks into a relationship was a no-no. Where was the last place you spent the night other than your own home? The sleep study building or whatever it's considered in the medical plaza. Do you have any step- or half-siblings? I have both. What do people always seem to think is weird about you? The fact I don't watch TV. Do you ever braid your hair? It's way too short for that. Even when it was long, I didn't do it frequently at all. Is there any certain style of architecture you really enjoy? Roman, in particular. What was the last thing you gave up on? uhhhhhhhhhhh If you watch Parks and Recreation, who is your favorite character? I don't. What’s the last DIY project you did, if any? If you can’t remember, what’s something you’d be interested in doing? I'm not really into DIY stuff, honestly. I'd rather just buy products that were made better than I could, or commission someone who can. What's a song that makes you feel happy? I dunno. It's rare a song alone makes me happy. What is your favorite clothing store? Rebel's Market. How did you meet your best friend? YouTube, back when it was a more social platform. What is something you do well? Catastrophize any situation. Assume the worst of everything. What's a good idea you've had recently? Probably to re-engage with a calorie-counting app I used to use. I'm back to trying to use it consistently. Do you like to wear high heels? Does ANY person LIKE to? How many slices of pizza do you usually eat? Two or three depending on my appetite and the size of the pizza. Do you play any instruments? Not anymore. Do you always smile for pictures? Not always. What are you most excited about right now? To see the results of my TMS therapy. What's the last song you listened to? "Ex’s and Oh’s” by Elle King. What's the last YouTube video you watched? I'm watching an Erosium livestream rn. Newest channel binge, haha. Do you know anyone who's died in childbirth? No. Would you ever consider moving to another country for your career? No. I don't want to leave my family. Do you wear foundation? No, I hate the feeling of that crap. Do you know anyone who has run for public office? No. Do you have a cartilage piercing? I used to, but the hole closed when I had to take it out for the hospital. :/ I plan on getting it repierced. Have you ever been taken to the emergency room or urgent care? If so, why? Yes; for being suicidal, a suicide attempt, and when I had a horribly infected cyst and just existing made me want to sob with pain. Have you ever had to visit anyone in the hospital? Yeah, a few times. What is the most pain (physical, mental, emotional) you've ever felt? Physical: having the aforementioned cyst drained when I was not nearly numbed enough. Mental and emotional (what's really the difference?): my breakup with my first real boyfriend. What is the longest time you've spent crying? Oh, hours on end, fluctuating with intensity. Have you ever been stolen from? Yes. Have you ever been to a ghost town? No, but I would FUCKING LOVE to. Let me bring my camera and it's a field day. Has anything in your house ever caught on fire? Not in this current house. Have you ever been inside of a vacant house? No. Have you ever been attacked by a dog? No. What is the most disgusting thing you've ever seen? The massive cyst my late dog Teddy developed on his lower belly. That fucking thing hung on by a THREAD and was absolutely nauseating to look at. How old were you when you learned how to read? I don't recall, I just know it was earlier than most children. Do you prefer cats or dogs? Cats. Which book series was the first you read? I want to say Hank the Cowdog. I was hooked on it. Would you rather write a book or direct a movie? Haha, what a question, as I've considered both of these as potential careers. I think write a book. What dream that you’ve had has stuck in your head the most? Describe: A nightmare about my dad that I'm not going into. What emotion do you find yourself trying to hide from others? I'm very uncomfortable revealing jealousy or envy. How emotional/sentimental would you say you are? Extremely. What is the most fun game to play? Shadow of the Colossus, probably. What is your sense of humor like (dry, dark, sarcastic, etc.)? I don't know, maybe dry. How many languages can you say "hello my name is…" in? Two. What language do you think sounds the nicest? I don't know, it's not like I've heard every language be spoken. What language do you want to learn more of? German. Do you have any form of OCD? I'm diagnosed with OCD. Do you make promises often? No. I take promises VERY seriously and am not about to make one unless I'm certain I can keep it. What is it that you are responsible for? My pets, keeping my room clean, stuff like that. Do you have a lot of secrets? Not "a lot," no. Are you more likely to be verbally aggressive or physically? Verbally. I'm only physically aggressive in my nightmares. What warning has someone given you that you wish you’d have listened to? Hm. What warning has someone given you you are glad you didn’t take? I also don't know. What is your favourite video of on YouTube? I can't pick just one. Name one creature that freaks you out/scares you? Maggots. Just the word makes me squirm. What was the last thing you wrote down on paper? My signature. Have you ever watched Breaking Bad? No. Are your fingernails always painted? They never are. What color is your bed frame? A rich brown. Did any of your neighbors come over to welcome you when you moved into your current house? No. What's something you didn't realize how bad it was until it happened to you? Heartbreak. Do you like Taylor Swift's singing voice? No. It's squeaky and annoying to me. Does it bother you when people get super emotional? Why the fuck would it bother me? Let people be in touch with their emotions. Have you ever worked in a restaurant? No. What was the last drive-thru you went through? Ummm I want to say Starbuck's w/ Mom after my TMS appointment. Do you know anyone who claims they can see/feel spirits or other supernatural "things?" No. Does your house have any unoccupied bedrooms? Yes. Do either of your parents have a mental illness? My mom has depression, and she personally suspects something's up with Dad, but idk. He's never seen a doctor about that kinda stuff. What fun things are there to do where you live? Ha! Do you know anyone with a really poorly-trained dog? I know many like that. When you were growing up, did your family rent or own your home? My parents owned it. Can you see the stars at night where you live? I actually haven't paid attention at this house. I'm certain it'd be harder now living in an urban area, though. What job do you know you'd be terrible at? Like, everything? I'd probably be worst at promoting stuff to people and trying to push them into buying something. No being a salesperson for me. Do you do meal-prepping? No. Do you know anyone who got preggo less than a year into their relationship? Who doesn't? And now, for the greatest question of all time! Toilet paper- should it go over or under? I literally couldn't care less about this. Fun fact though to "end" the argument, the original concept art of the idea (the word for that is evading me...) has it designed to go over. Are you afraid of mice? Not at all, they're adorable. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I don't have a specific "type" of thing I get, really. It depends. Do you vacation often? Not at all. Are you comfortable wearing your pajamas in public places? It depends on the place, really. Generally, I really don't care, so long as I put a bra on. What’s your favorite candy bar? That one that's a bunch of Reese's squares composed into a rectangle. It. Is so. Fucking. Good. Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? No. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't like musicals. Do you own a helmet of any sorts? No. Does your family generally decorate for most holidays? Just for Christmas, really. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? I'm not a soup person. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? I saw one or two episodes with Sara. If so, what do you think is the scariest creature yet? N/A Do you read tour guide type books before you visit places? No.

[hopeisour4letteredword]

innocent bones ch2

Summary: Apollo gets a wake-up call in a few ways. It’s okay, though--he’s got best-friend backup.

Link to AO3 in the notes.

“Goood morning, sunshine!”

“Blrgh,” Apollo says, more to his pillow than Clay. He rolls over and pulls the blankets over his head.

“Oh, are we grouchy this morning? I can drink both of these by myself if you wanna be left alone.”

Apollo peeks out from the covers warily. Clay dangles an iced drink in a plastic café cup tantalizingly over the bed. The morning is already hot, and only promises to get hotter; Apollo knows by the time he has proper clothes on, he’ll want something cold and sweet. He sighs and kicks the sheets aside, stretching.

“Why are you in my apartment?”

“Why were you sleeping with one sock on?”

Apollo looks down. Sure enough, he still has on the sock he’d yanked on at three in the morning. “...Fuck me.”

“Well, since you asked so nicely,” Clay says, batting his eyelashes, then cackles as Apollo swings a pillow at him and chases him around the room. When they reach the kitchenette, Clay successfully diverts his attention to a small paper bag of baked goods. Apollo allows him to exchange the pillow for a chocolate croissant. “To answer your question, I’m here to chill with my best friend on my day off, like we’ve been planning for, oh, the last three weeks?”

Shit. That’s right. Apollo scrubs the crust of sleep from his eyes, shoulders slumping. “Sorry. I remember now.”

Clay smiles easily and slides him the drink. Apollo sips. Peachy oolong tea with lemonade. “No harm, no foul. Seriously, though. Why the sock?”

“I had the most surreal fucking night,” Apollo says, and tells him about it. Clay starts laughing uproariously as soon as he mentions the teeth. He doesn’t stop until Apollo concludes with Prosecutor Debeste’s intervention.

“Oh, man,” Clay chuckles, wiping at the corners of his eyes. “How does this shit happen to you?”

“If I knew, don’t you think I would try to stop it?”

“I don’t know, would you?” Clay smirks maddeningly and bites into his muffin. Through a mouthful of crumbs, he drawls, “I’m sure you suffered so much with a handsome man vying for your attention.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, you disgusting goblin.”

“Ach, Herr Forehead,” Clay says, in the worst fake German accent Apollo has ever heard. “When I’m sad and lonely, you’re the first one I think of to cheer me up. Oh, how I wish you were here with me—“

Apollo seizes the pillow again. Clay rushes to get a grip on it before he can take a swing. They struggle for control until they both tip out of their chairs and go crashing to the hard, unforgiving linoleum floor in a heap.

“Ow,” Clay says. “Huh. I’ve had more exciting tumbles.”

“And Mr. Starbuck trusts you to pilot a rocket with him,” Apollo scoffs, feeling a bit ow himself.

“Please, I’m much nicer to Mr. Starbuck than I am to you, I don’t have to worry about fighting with him.”

They attempt to sit up. Clay somehow maneuvers their tangled limbs apart without injury to either of them. Apollo moves to stand, but Clay slings his legs across Apollo’s own before he can go anywhere.

“Hey,” Clay says, low and serious. “For real. You okay? You didn’t have any new nightmares because of all that, did you?”

Apollo winces. “...No.”

“What was that face for?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re an awful liar and you know it.” Clay frowns, concern creasing his brow. “You can tell me anything. You know that, right? You don’t have to, if you don’t want to. But I’m here for you, dude.”

“I know, space cadet. Calm down.”

“Alright, alright.”

Clay moves his legs out of the way. It’s Apollo’s turn to interrupt him before he can rise by dropping his head onto Clay’s shoulder.

“Worse than a nightmare,” he mutters.

“What? What’s worse than a nightma—oh, my God,” Clay gasps. “You had a sex dream?!”

“WH—NO!”

“MY BABY BOY IS GROWING UP!”

“I DID NOT HAVE A SEX DREAM!”

Apollo tries to smack him. Clay catches his hand and wrestles him into a headlock.

“The most important thing to remember is that this is a normal part of puberty,” Clay says, solemnly, even as Apollo shrieks with dismay. “Every growing boy—“

“I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.”

“Like you could? Alright, sunshine, let’s hear it. What’s worse than a nightmare, aside from a sex dream?”

“I don’t want to tell you anymore,” Apollo says, sulkily, voice muffled by Clay’s arm.

“Come on, don’t be like that.” Clay pats his head with his free hand. Apollo grumbles some more. “Is it really that embarrassing?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, then it’s about feelings.”

“Wh—how did you—I mean, what makes you think that?!” Real smooth, Justice. Apollo can feel the hot flush of mortification on his face.

“Honestly, dumbass, how long have we been friends? You think I don’t know how your brain works as well as you know mine?”

“That doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“Yeah, you’re busy saving all your affection for Klav—ow! Don’t hit me!”

“Shut up! God.”

“You know you get to have a crush, right? That’s normal and okay.”

“I don’t want to have a crush,” Apollo moans, hopelessly. Clay finally releases him from the headlock so he takes the opportunity to bury his face in his hands. He hates catching feelings. He always blows it somehow. It doesn’t help that they never have these conversations anywhere less weird than the kitchen floor. “He’s my colleague. I need to be professional. Our working relationship is too important for me to fuck this up.”

“He got lonely while he was high on painkillers and called you at three AM and you’re still going on about professionalism?”

“It sounds stupid when you say it like that.”

“That’s because it is stupid.”

“Your face is stupid.”

“I’m serious, man. Like, if you wanted concrete evidence that he considers you a friend outside of your working relationship, it just got handed to you on a silver platter. There’s no way you’re the first friend he’s ever had that’s been a little into him.”

“...I guess that’s true.”

“Who knows? Maybe he’s a little into you too.”

Apollo gives him an incredulous look.

“It wouldn’t be the weirdest thing to happen to you in the last year, that’s all I’m saying! And he has an awful lot of nice things to say about you for a courtroom rival.”

“We’re not rivals,” Apollo says, mostly on automatic. Clay ruffles his hair as they clamber to their feet.

“Sure, sure. Hey, speaking of things he has to say, has he said anything to you this morning?”

“How should I know? Somebody bullied me out of bed and I left my phone behind.”

“I’ll go get it, you eat breakfast.”

Apollo finishes his croissant. After a moment, Clay tosses his phone at him.

“Do I really have to check it right now?”

“If you’re gonna be such a big baby about it, I can check it for you.”

“Ugh. No, fine, I’ll look.”

Klavier Gavin, 9:04am

hey, i just wanted to apologize for last night. i hope i didn’t scare you too badly. i remember you saying i owed you one, so let me know if you come up with a way i can apologize.

Apollo lets out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Clay makes a questioning sound and a grabby hand gesture. Apollo passes his phone over, obligingly, and steals a chunk of Clay’s muffin while he reads it for himself.

“Totally normal,” Clay says. “See? It’s fine. You’re fine.”

“I’m fine,” Apollo echoes. He takes his phone back and sips absentmindedly at his iced tea as he types.

Apollo Justice, 10:38am

I’m going to change your contact name to “Teeth Theft Victim.”

How’s your mouth this morning?

Klavier Gavin, 10:39am

HF no :(

not the worst. definitely not as bad as it was last night!

i had some painkillers when i got up. mostly just feels a little weird rn

Apollo Justice, 10:41am

That sounds about right.

Klavier Gavin, 10:42am

did you get back to sleep okay?

Apollo Justice, 10:43am

Yeah, I’m fine.

Klavier Gavin, 10:43am

you’re always fine, HF ;P

Apollo Justice, 10:44am

I bet you think you’re clever.

I got plenty of sleep. Don’t worry.

Klavier Gavin, 10:45am

i am sincerely sorry though. seriously, let me know if i can make it up to you somehow

“Do I actually seem angry?” Apollo asks Clay, mystified. Clay peers over his shoulder at the message thread. “He didn’t really do anything wrong, considering his mental state at the time. I’m not trying to be brusque with him.”

“Tell him to take you out for coffee,” Clay says.

“What? Why? Where did that come from?”

Apollo Justice, 10:47am

All you have to do is not call me at 3AM saying ominous things without context again.

I know this is a terribly high bar to meet, but I have faith that you’ll rise to the occasion.

Klavier Gavin, 10:48am

you really thought i was actively dying, didn’t you?

were you actually on your way out the door?

Apollo Justice, 10:49am

I thought you had gotten roofied. Of course I was on my way out the door.

Klavier Gavin, 10:50am

my knight in shining armor ;)

“TELL HIM TO TAKE YOU OUT FOR COFFEE,” Clay yells, aggressively shaking Apollo by the shoulder. Apollo yelps and almost drops his phone.

“He’s always like this! It doesn’t mean anything!”

“I WILL DO IT MYSELF.”

“Do what yourself?! Take him out for coffee?! Fine! I hope you’re very happy together!”

“God, and you mean it, too. You’re hopeless, AJ. No game at all. Give me your phone.”

“NO!”

Apollo Justice, 10:52am

awerrttrtrtFSDFFG

Klavier Gavin, 10:52am

?? HF??

Apollo Justice, 10:53am

BRB

Have tio kickmny friendsd ass

Apollo does not kick Clay’s ass, because Clay has fifty pounds of muscle on him and Apollo hasn’t gotten in a real fight since he was a middle schooler, but he damn well tries. It’s the effort that counts. Maybe. Hopefully.

Apollo Justice, 11:12am

COFFREERE

Klavier Gavin, 11:14am

??????

Apollo Justice, 11:15am

TAKE HIM OUT TO COFFEE

Klavier Gavin, 11:16am

who am i speaking to??

Apollo Justice, 11:17am

DONT QWORRT ABT UT

Klavier Gavin, 11:18am

i’m a little worried about it

is Herr Justice okay??

Apollo Justice, 11:18am

YEA HES FINE

IM BULLYING HIMN

Klavier Gavin, 11:20am

that doesn’t sound very fine

Apollo Justice, 11:21am

I am so fucking sorry.

Klavier Gavin, 11:21am

are you alright?

Apollo Justice, 11:23am

I’m fine.

I’m with a friend right now and he decided to be obnoxious.

Klavier Gavin, 11:24am

by which i suppose you

mean he stole your phone

Klavier Gavin, 11:25am

That and putting me in a headlock.

Klavier Gavin, 11:25am

:(

Apollo Justice, 11:26am

I’m fine, honestly. We roughhouse all the time.

It’s mostly my pride that hurts.

“Bet you ten bucks he offers to kiss it better,” Clay says, slurping obnoxiously at the dregs of his iced tea. As winner’s spoils, he has retained eavesdropping privileges. Textdropping? Wiretapping? Fuck it, Apollo doesn’t know.

“He will not,” Apollo says, through gritted teeth, valiantly attempting to suppress the red-hot surge of embarrassment to his cheeks.

Klavier Gavin, 11:28am

well then, we all know you’ll survive that one :P

Apollo Justice, 11:30am

Ouch. Rub more salt in the wound, why don’t you?

“You owe me ten bucks,” Apollo announces.

“You motherfucker, you didn’t even take the bet!”

“It was implied! You would have made me give you ten dollars.”

Clay grudgingly pulls out his wallet and gives Apollo a five, three ones, and a fistful of change. He hands it over way too fast to have figured out how much the change is worth, but then Clay is actually good at numbers shit, so maybe he did. Anyway, Apollo cares more about the principle of the exchange than receiving exactly ten dollars.

Klavier Gavin, 11:31am

i prefer to think of it as a salve to help you heal faster

Apollo Justice, 11:32am

By making fun of me?

Klavier Gavin, 11:33am

by reminding u that u can pull through these hard times!

Apollo Justice, 11:34am

Sure.

Klavier Gavin, 11:35am

but hey, for real. do you want to go out for coffee sometime?

“YES,” Clay hollers, victoriously. Apollo wants to curl up under the table and die of mortification.

“I can’t believe you. He thinks he has to do this because I got inconvenienced last night. This is stupid, Clay, why would you do this to us?”

“Because,” Clay says, “He flirts with you, constantly, and you’re who he calls at three AM when he’s in pain and he wants to talk to someone to distract him, and you have a crush that can be seen from space. It’s my job as your best friend.”

“It’s really not.”

“Uh-huh. Tell the nice man you’ll go out for coffee with him.”

Apollo Justice, 11:39am

You really don’t have to take me out just because of what happened last night.

Clay was being absurd.

Klavier Gavin, 11:41am

okay, sure, i understand

but do you WANT to?

Apollo Justice, 11:42am

I mean. Yeah.

If you’re sure.

Klavier Gavin, 11:43am

i’m positive :)

Apollo Justice, 11:44am

Then coffee would be cool.

“Cool,” Clay echoes. “God, AJ, you’re a mess. I love you so much. Cool, he says, when the actual rockstar asks him out on a date.”

“You bullied the rockstar into asking me on a date,” Apollo snaps, red-faced.

“I didn’t do a damn thing to him except offer a suggestion. He didn’t get put in a headlock.”

Klavier Gavin, 11:45am

Großartig! i have a meeting tomorrow afternoon, but perhaps tuesday?

Apollo Justice, 11:46am

Tuesday is fine.

What time? Where are we going?

Klavier Gavin, 11:48am

let’s say 3pm? and it’s a surprise ;)

Apollo Justice, 11:49am

I won’t be footing the bill if you drag me out to some weird, fancy upscale tea bar.

Klavier Gavin, 11:50am

nein, don’t be ridiculous. it’s my treat

“Ooh, what a gentleman!”

“Can’t you stop reading over my shoulder and let me set this up in peace now?!”

“No, I just scored you a date and you elbowed me very hard in the stomach earlier. I earned this.”

Apollo Justice, 11:52am

Does that mean it IS a weird, fancy upscale tea bar?

Klavier Gavin, 11:53am

actually it means i haven’t decided yet

Apollo Justice, 11:54am

Ah. Foolish me, then.

How am I supposed to get there if it’s a surprise?

Klavier Gavin, 11:55am

oh, you can just meet me at my office and i’ll drive us there

...unless you’re still afraid of my motorcycle? :P

Apollo Justice, 11:58am

I’m not afraid.

But you better have a second helmet.

Klavier Gavin, 12:00pm

don’t i always, Schatz?

“You go on his motorcycle?” Clay says, outraged and oblivious while Apollo can feel himself going scarlet from the roots of his hair all the way down to his collar. “This is so unfair. You’ll barely get in a car with me, and you’re terrified of motorcycles. How long did it take you to realize you like this guy again?”

Through gritted teeth, Apollo says, “You drive like you’re trying to die young, and Klavier is the only person I know who consistently follows every single traffic law to the letter.”

“Sounds like—“

“Also, we work together, and basically every time I’ve gotten a ride from him has been to or from case-relevant locations.”

“—Like excuses to me. What does Schatz mean, anyway?”

“I don’t know,” Apollo lies. Clay’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. He’s not that oblivious, then.

“Uh-huh.”

Apollo Justice, 12:04pm

I guess so.

Klavier Gavin, 12:05pm

so tuesday at 3pm, meeting at my office, then?

Apollo Justice, 12:06pm

Works for me.

I have to go, I’m supposed to be hanging out with Clay today. But I’ll see you Tuesday?

Klavier Gavin, 12:09pm

tuesday it is! i can’t wait to see you ;)

and tell your friend i said danke, ja?

Apollo Justice, 12:11pm

Thanks, he wasn’t already being insufferable enough.

“Oh I’m the fucking best,” Clay says, gleefully. Apollo tries to hide a smile, but it’s pointless. Clay has already thrown an arm around his shoulders to squeeze him in a tight side-hug. “Who is the best friend in the whole wide world who probably just got you laid?”

“Clay.”

“Remember this when I’m done with my mission and I have time to date again, okay? I expect equally enthusiastic wing-manning from you.”

“You have literally never needed me to wingman for you,” Apollo says, with fond exasperation. “Besides, what happened to that alien boyfriend you keep insisting you’ll come back with?”

“Well, maybe he’ll only be my alien work-friend when I come back, and I’ll need my dear friend to help me push past my misconceptions about professionalism to find true love.”

“Good grief,” Apollo says, as the blush that had been steadily dying down on his face flares back to life. “True love? It’s one coffee date. Slow it on down.”

Clay opens his mouth, probably with the intent to say more wild shit about Apollo’s upcoming date (a date! With Klavier! Is Apollo still in a weird exhaustion-induced feelings dream?), so Apollo hurriedly jumps in to say, “So how did you want to spend your day off? Video games? Movies?”

“I want to kick your ass at Smash Bros,” Clay says.

“I think we can arrange that.”

“Almost as easily as we just arranged—“

“Pushing your luck, Terran.”

“I learned that from the very best,” Clay says, nudging Apollo’s shoulder with his own with a fond grin. Apollo can’t help but smile back.

“I guess you did.”

[anxiously-going]

Solteria

“Why are we at an animal shelter?” Jim questioned as the car came to a halt. 

“Well,” Len stepped from the vehicle to try to avoid Jim’s questioning look. If this was going to go south, now is when it would happen. “I was doing some research and brought it up to Pike, who helped me draft up a report and brought up to the admiralty-" 

"Bones.” Jim stood next to the car, refusing to follow Len up the sidewalk. “Why are we here?" 

"Most of my report was based on our last mission, I tried to keep as much detail out from your past as possible. I didn’t even go near the redacted pieces, I swear-" 

"Bones,” Jim cut him off again, a little stronger this time. 

“You’ve been granted a therapy dog." 

Jim blinked, trying to process what he’d just heard. "What?" 

"It’s a new program Pike and I are pushing for. He’s getting one too, his is more for medical purposes since he can’t be up and around like he used to, trained to bring him medication, stabilize him in case of a fall-" 

"No, hold on. Back up. Where- where is this even coming from?" 

"There’s years of research supporting the idea that support animals for trauma survivors help the healing process. I- I’m not gonna lie, Jim, you’re the most severe case I’ve ever worked with. Now, don’t get me wrong, you’ve made far more progress than…anything I’ve ever seen. But I still think this could help. Especially…after last year. You’ve still made more progress than anybody in your shoes has any right to make. But I still think you could benefit from it. If things go well… one of the options Starfleet is looking at is starting its own shelter, bringing in rescue animals and pairing them up with cadets from less than ideal backgrounds, getting them the help they need early. If this program works there’s even a good chance we’ll see a drop in drop out rates among cadets. When you look at numbers… most of them don’t come from the best backgrounds." 

"So what I’m hearing,” there was a growing smirk on Jim’s face, “is that you and Pike jumped through a bunch of hoops to get me a dog." 

"There’s a real benefit to it,” Len shrugged. “You’re not mad, are you?" 

"Why would I be mad? Surprised yeah, but I’m not mad, Bones.” Jim moved to stand by his friend. 

“I did kinda go behind your back. I did what I could to just leave it to the basic details, I didn’t use any stories you’ve told me, I stuck to the medical records-" 

"Bones, stop.” Jim put a hand to Len’s arm. “You didn’t break my trust, if that’s what you’re worried about. Ok? You are my best friend and, yeah, I’ve told you a lot that I wouldn’t tell anyone else. But I understand that you’re also a doctor, you are completely within bounds to use my own medical history to assist me in whatever way you deem best. I trust you with that. It’s not like you’re going around gossiping about me, you’re just trying to help. I know you, Bones. You can’t not help people. That’s one of my favorite things about you. So I’m not mad at you, alright?" 

Leonard nodded. "Thanks for understanding." 

"Thanks for getting me a dog!” Jim grinned brightly.

Len laughed and shook his head. “C'mon, kid, let’s go find you a dog." 

___

Jim stopped in front of the kennels. "What about these guys?" 

"Those are some of the German Shepherds,” the shelter manager explained. “They came to us out of some pretty harsh conditions. They’re pure breeds from a hoarding situation, all around six months, but there were many others that we had to send to other shelters to get them the help they needed. For the most part they’re recovering well, still some skittishness and food aggression issues, but we are working to better train them. There are some over here that are a little further along-" 

"What about that one?” Jim pointed to a pup, a little smaller than the others, watching them intently. 

“That is a particularly troubled dog, I’m afraid. She nearly didn’t survive the transition to the shelter. She was severely underweight when she came to us, it’s a miracle she survived." 

"Can I meet her?" 

"Captain, I understand she looks healthy, but she was a very abused dog. I’m not sure she’d be suitable for your needs. She doesn’t take very well to any of our male staff, and refuses to eat at all when any staff are around. When she came to us, we had to separate from the rest of the litter because she would try to attack anyone who came near her siblings. She has made some progress, yes, but she still has a long way to go." 

"I understand, I’d still like to meet her." 

"Of course, Captain.” She opened the gate just enough for Jim to step inside. The pup in question was immediately on her feet, watching him warily. Jim simply crouched down. For a long moment they just watched one another. 

“Bones, hand me one of those treats.” Jim held his hand behind him and Len dropped a couple into his palm. 

Slowly, Jim set a bone shaped biscuit in front of himself, about an arms reach, and waited. 

Equally cautious, the pup came forward  before taking the treat. She took a few steps back before gnawing on it. 

The manager watched in shock. “She’s never sat that close to anyone with food before." 

When her snack was gone, the pup looked up at Jim again. He held a second treat in his outstretched palm. She didn’t move, just watched him carefully. Slowly, Jim lowered his hand to the ground. 

The dog crouched down and crawled timidly to his hand and quickly pulled the treat away. Jim smiled, but tried not to make too much noise as he pulled his hand back.

She stood at his movement. Jim sat motionless as she crept forward and started to sniff at him. It was hard not to erupt into laughter when she poked her nose around his face, but he managed somehow. 

Len couldn’t decide which was more amusing the shock on the woman’s face, or the big goofy grin on Jim’s face. 

"I’ve never seen her do that with any man before,” she muttered quietly. 

Jim offered his hand again, and this time the pup nuzzled her head against it. 

“I think we’ll be taking this one,” Len replied.  

“Yes, I believe so." 

Jim giggled when she pushed a little closer to lick his face. "Yeah, I’m definitely taking you with me.” He stood carefully, still not wanting to startle her and stepped toward the gate. The dog followed right alongside him, tail wagging all the way. She sniffed a little at Len’s leg, but stepped a little closer to Jim. 

“Don’t worry,” Jim rubbed one of her ears. “He only looks mean. See?” He moved sideways a little and put an arm around Len’s waist. 

The pup made a throaty noise and wiggled her way between the men, pushing Jim away just slightly. 

“That is one of those things I wanted to caution you about, Captain,” the manager tried to warn him again, but Jim waved her off. 

“She’ll learn. Besides, everyone thinks Bones is scary when they first meet him.” He reached to pet the dog again and she came up on her hind legs to meet him. “He’s not as mean as he looks, I promise." 

"I’d smack you for that if I thought I could get away with it,” Bones grumbled. 

“He is a little mean,” he said to the puppy sitting happy at his side, “but only when he gets grumpy. Which is a lot of the time, but it’s ok ‘cause I’m his favorite." 

Len scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

"Why don’t we go inside and I’ll get the adoption papers for you?" 

"Yes, thank you,” Jim agreed. 

___

“Have you considered names at all?" 

"I hadn’t. This was actually something of a surprise to me.” He gave Leonard a pointed look before turning back to his new puppy. “Maybe…Solteria." 

"An unusual name." 

"She’s an unusual dog. What do you think, hm? Solteria sound good to you?" 

The pup popped up and put her fore paws Jim’s leg, reaching with her nose. Jim chuckled and stroked her head in response. "I guess that’s a yes. Solteria it is then." 

[venusloveslobotomies]

Pyromania (Bucky x Reader)

A/N: This is my first time posting writing and I would love literally any feedback at all! I’m honestly terrified to put my shit writing out there but I may as well suck it up and just do it! The ‘reader’ is Korean and her last name is Kang. The face reference is optional but it’s helped me get a better idea in my mind of how she looks.

  Summary: (Winter Soldier-Endgame Insert) You’re an enhanced HYDRA agent who negotiated her way out of being a weapon. You’re now the nurse/ aid of the Winter Soldier. You end up escaping with him and follow him in and out of danger while slowly developing feelings for each other.

Words: 1950 (approx) Chapter: 1/?

Kang Y/N, age 16

  I think one of my worst habits is looking at the clock. I know he’s scheduled to arrive back at 9pm for check-up but that will never stop me from obsessively glancing at the clocks in the hallway, in the kitchen, in his room while I methodically go through the nightly routine. Pick up toiletries and first aid kit, hand in the dinner slip for his food, eat dinner myself, change the sheets, pick up his night clothes for the week from the laundry.   I find myself done, having gone on autopilot and finished the routine quicker than usual. I hang around near where the soldiers usually file in after the training session. A few other nurses happen to be there too, waiting on their soldiers. Given that there’s only six of us with supersoldiers, we know each other quite well.

  All the other nurses are assigned to other enhanced, are put on general service, are sent on missions or are thrown into the front lines of warzones and therefore operate on different schedules.    “Hey Kang, how’s big-shot Soldat going, huh?” Sasha offers a grin and I shake my head at the tall Russki.    “He’s well. So far. How’s your girl going?”    “Great as far as I can tell! She’s not the most talkative though. Bit of a shame. Bet you and Soldat are getting along perfectly,” I send him a disappointed glare but it doesn’t take long to crack into a smile.   It’s hard to be frustrated with Sash. He’s too nice and too young. Well, he may be older than me physically but he entered this work much later than I did, not that I had a choice.     “Don’t forget which one of us is the Level 7, Vasiliev. I’ll kick your ass and you know it,” I prod his side and make a show of adjusting my armband with a large ‘7’ embroidered onto the red cross. He feigns fear but before he can continue with his teasing the doors open and in file the soldiers. I lock eyes with my soldier before waving to Sash, “See you at showers, yeah?” He sends me a thumbs up and saunters off behind his soldier. Soldat has already begun marching towards his room.    I jog to catch up with him and almost start telling him off before I see the glint in his eyes. There’s so little room for fun around here and he’s rarely in a good enough mood to be teasing so it’s difficult to be annoyed. Once we arrive at the room however, he sits down and the extent of today’s training becomes clear. I can see his bloody face and twitching metal arm. Ok, so maybe not so much in a good mood.    “Might need to relocate my other shoulder,” His Russian is harsh and unnatural but not accented like mine. It’s different to the other soldiers and guards here, who are all native speakers. I make a mental note of his tone before I pick up the clothes, first aid kit and toiletries and we walk towards the showers. He tries to take them from me but I smack his hands away and force him to walk in front of me.   Now, the showers leave a lot to be desired. A large room with lockers and shelves in the center and lining the left and right walls are blue curtains containing a shelf and a shower head. On the back wall are sinks and mirrors. At least we have hot water and it was clean. But the smell of blood and misery clung to the room no matter how often it was cleaned.   Soldat led the way past several of his fellow soldiers before sliding the curtain shut in our usual spot. Unlike the nurses who served individuals like Sasha and I, the soldiers were unfriendly to the extreme with each other, no sense of community or friendship. I’m not complaining though. I enjoy having my soldier to myself, he’s easy to get along with and it was already far too stressful getting used to just him. I didn’t need others to deal with. They’ve all got different personalities, none of them easy-going, and one of them has anger issues.   He strips the soaked training clothes off and hangs them carelessly on the shelf before kneeling down and allowing me to examine his injuries. A few cuts, presumably from punches, on his face, blood still dripping from his nose and mouth, a broken rib that’s quickly healing and his shoulder is bruised and tender but not dislocated. I mop the blood off his face and mutter to myself in Korean. He listens with interest.   He’s been learning Korean from me lately, giving us more time together since we’re given a block of time to study. All the soldiers must know 30 languages and any extras to the ones already taught (like my Korean dialect) are accommodated with a block of study time.   I double check his rib. Definitely broken but also definitely healing. The enhanced healing still freaks me out. I was not taught about how to deal with it when I went through my two years of medical training. I had to get used to it and teach myself. I realise I’m going to need to get morphine from the officials. Otherwise we won’t be sleeping tonight.    “Would you like me to get you a recovery day?” I ask in slow, deliberate Korean. I can give my soldier any number of recovery days throughout the year, being his nurse. It usually means an extra day of study rather than training and extra food. Or being sent to cryo.    “Ani,” He shakes his head, “I have the mission next day,” His Korean isn’t perfect, which is endearing since he’s perfect at practically everything else. I shrug in response, though I’m upset he refuses most recovery days. I do know that the officials are meticulous about whether the quality of a soldier begins to degrade but he hasn’t taken any for a long time.     “If you say so,” I sigh but continue disinfecting his cuts and then tell him to wait.   Slipping outside I can see Ira and Nadiya are stripping their outer layers off. Although I haven’t had much opportunity to experience outside life I know nudity like this would not fly outside of this environment. Here, nudity is hardly any issue. The soldiers are used to it for physical examinations and medical exams and their nightly routine. Nurses are unbothered by nudity since we perform plenty of medical duties requiring naked soldiers and all that.   So, we all exchange a few words while hanging our dresses, armbands and hats up and putting our shoes on shelves. We talk about the quality of the food going up since the sixties and whether we’re supposed to attend a medical training session in the next month or so. We’re updated annually on the medical advancements outside of our little world.   I slide back into our cubicle and find the water running. I step further in and my underclothes are immediately soaked. He turns around and offers me a tired smile, twirling the end of my braid with his normal fingers. I smile back and take a shaky breath. I set about washing the sweat out of his hair with shampoo and while he rubs the blood off himself, I begin scrubbing his metal arm. The blood, sweat and dirt builds up easily in the gaps and if it were left to him, the stupid arm would be rusted by now. I went out of my way to request special cleaning equipment for his arm and luckily was granted it.   While we do this, we speak in Korean to help his learning and after a while he seems to relax. It never fails to surprise me when his aggressive personality melts away into the calm man that only I see. I massage his tense muscles with the aid of the hot water and eventually it’s time for dinner and ‘winding down’. For wind down, some soldiers, like a particularly angry man, are sent to the psychs for an hour before they’re put in cryo or bed.  By the time we’re out, everyone’s already begun changing, nurses and soldiers alike. There’s no interaction between soldiers, they seem to be in their own little worlds, but the nurses are happily socialising with each other. I change into clean underclothes and my night dress - a white, floor-length dress with an apron and pin my armbands securely on my upper arms - while I listen to Sasha talking about the pains of acquiring painkillers from the officials.   Paracetamol, ibuprofen and other basic drugs don’t make a dent in the pain our soldiers endure. Quicker healing is great and all but it’s considerably more painful. It takes a lot of convincing as well as a full medical report to get the higher-ups to give us the morphine they need. We all agree and chime in to add points to strengthen the argument.   Eventually, we all clear out of the steamy room and continue chatting all the way down to the living quarters. Two of the soldiers split off with their nurses for cryo prep and we all wave, knowing it’ll be awhile before we see those four.   The guards in this part of the facility must be constantly unnerved by the sound. Usually the base is all business, soldiers and guards and nurses silently carrying out their schedules but the six of us that cater to the supersoldiers are unafraid to be happy and loud. It creates a sense of community and we wouldn’t get that outside of this environment. In any case, the guards can’t touch us unless we pose a direct threat. So, we all spend our time walking laughing and talking in a blend of languages. All of us are multilingual since we travel with our soldiers. So, the guards and officials, who often only speak German or Russian or both are even less comfortable since our usual chatter is a mix of Ukrainian, French and pieces of German and they presumably really don’t like not understanding what we’re saying. It’s mostly just a lot of joking around and bagging on each other for whatever we can think of.   It’s nice but also a bit strange. Even to me. Back when it was only Soldat and I, these hallways were silent as ever. It was a different time. This whole thing is recent since it was only in the early nineties that the other soldiers were created. Then their nurses were assigned and even then, we were acutely uncomfortable around each other. But I’m happy with the way things are now.   As we split off into our rooms, the hallway goes quiet again and it’s time for winding down. I get called to the side by an official. I could laugh at how obviously uncomfortable he is down here. He should be in an office upstairs, getting ready to go home. There’s a good reason why the higher-ups don’t come down here anymore. He hands me a file to prepare for the mission tomorrow. I accept it and watch him walk back to the elevator.   I realise Soldat has gone back to the room without me. As I walk back, I think about how strange it is that all twelve of us are out right now. We’re only taken out of cryo for missions. Ira and Michael and their soldiers completed missions the night before but spent the day training anyways. I presume the other three are going on assignments tomorrow since all of us were released from cryo at the same time this morning.

Part 2

[sebastianshaw]

hey, sorry for the off-topic question but are mice good therapy animals? You've mentioned mental health a few times OOC and I just was wondering if they'd be a good pick.

None of my pets are therapy animals or emotional support animals, they’re just pets, but they are good for my mental health. Meds, therapy, and a supportive family are the big three for me, but small furry things to take care of are a very good supplement. Like a vitamin pill alongside dinner---the food is what’s keeping you alive and going, and the pill alone would not, but it does help. I think all pet owners who struggle with mental health---or even those who don’t---find that their pet helps a lot even if they’re not registered or trained specially in any way. That said, I would not recommend mice, or rodents in general, as pets for you mental health, unless they actually are what you need and what you like. For me, I already had an affinity for rodents. I never got them with the intent for them to be a mental health aid, I got them because I just really, really love rats, mice, and all their relations. And as it turns out...they work really well for what I need. Cut for length since this isn’t RP or fandom and I don’t want to clog people’s dash, but if anyone is interest,ed I’m going to discuss the pros and cons of rodents, the importance of assessing your needs when picking an animal, and the importance of the animal’s needs too.

If you need unconditional love and automatic affection, they’re NOT for you. Dogs are great at this. This is why most people have dogs. This is why dogs are the most common therapy/ES animal (well, and being really smart and trainable) Rats will love you, but mice and hamsters do not. Mice and hamsters will learn not to be afraid of you, they will tolerate being picked up by you, but most are never going to be happy to see you and run up hoping to get petted like a dog will. I’m okay with that. I just need something small to take care of and be responsible for, and to hold for a long time each day. I get them to trust me and let me hold them at length, and we’re good. Now, rats (which ARE different from mice, they are MUCH larger, smarter, and different behaviorally/psychologically) will love you back. Maybe not all of them, and not automatically like a dog, but many of mine have definitely loved me. They don’t show affection in the same way dogs and cats (I find a lot of people expect all animals to behave like a dog or cat) but they show it. They’ll run to the cage door when you come down, they’ll watch you in hope you’ll notice them and pick them up, they’ll even adjust their schedule to yours so that they can be awake when you are, even though they’re naturally nocturnal. They’ll snuggle with you, they’ll lick you or nibble you to show love, they’ll groom your hand like it’s a fellow rat (which is a way they show affection to each other) I get a lot out of this. It feels good to be loved by a rat, just like it does by a dog, cat, horse, etc. Now, rats are very individual. I’ve had rats who I believe truly loved me. I’ve also had rats who were indifferent to me. And I’ve even had a few who I think wanted me to just go away, though I’ve NEVER had one that was aggressive or bit (rats are the LEAST likely rodent to bite, though it does happen, I’ve just never had it happen to me in 15+ years of keeping them) But most people who keep rats absolutely find them to most lovable animals, and I concur. It’s why I’ve had so many, despite the heartbreak that they only live a couple years. This is the BIGGEST drawback for rats, mice, and hamsters---the short lifespan. Losing a rat will hit you the hardest too, because they bond with you the most. So, rodents are good for me, because they give me what I need and are an animal that I already like. If you don’t like them, and you need something different from an animal---say, to help you enforce a schedule/routine, or encourage you to exercise more, or something large you can snuggle with and feel safe---then they’re not for you. But if what I’m saying sounds good so far, maybe they are! So let’s move on to the other essential half of thing’s---the animal’s needs, and if you can handle them. As someone who loves animals, I see a lot of people get pets who don’t understand their needs, or ignore them. I’m not saying you would. I’m saying maybe you don’t know, or other people don’t know, so I’d like to talk about since you’ve given me this opportunity. A big reason I don’t have a dog (I love dogs, I used to work in a shelter for two years, and I don’t have an official rate for petsitting, I just let people pay what they want because I love doing it) is the maintenance. Dogs are high maintenance. You have to give them a lot of attention, which I’m fine with, I could hang out with a dog all day. But you also have to walk them and take them out, and it’s best that they get this done several times a day, and at a specific time. I don’t want to do that. I also don’t want to bother with training a dog, and training them is essential. It’s not just about getting them to “sit” or “roll over” it’s about proper socialization with people and other animals, not destroying your house, etc. Speaking of that, rodents stay in cages. Whatever damage they can do is limited to what I give them access to when I take them out. A dog can do a ton more. I don’t want to deal with that. I also don’t want to deal with vacuuming hair, and any other number of small parts of keeping a dog. I love petsitting, I loved working in a shelter, but those things are temporary. When you get a dog, you get it 24/7 for its entire lifespan, same as any other pet, and you have to be realistic about your willingness to provide for it with what it needs. Do I love German Shepherds? Heck yes. Am I prepared to give them the strong leadership, exercise, socialization, and massive amount of mental stimulation they need? God, no. I clean a rodent cage once a week and that’s enough for me. I’m a lazy, low-energy person. Rodents are low-maintenance. They work for me. They‘re also quiet, which is really good for me too. Dogs, cats, and horses also require regular vet care, which can be very expensive. Rodents do not. Rodents do not require regular check-ups, nor do they require getting vaccines. Most of my rodents go their entire lives without having seen a vet. They only see a vet firstly if something is wrong, and secondly if I think there’s a good chance the vet can actually fix it. Most of the time when it comes to small animals, there’s not even anything that a vet can do, even a vet who specializes in them. They are hard to diagnose, and even harder to help. Surgery and anesthesia and dosing are all massive risks to them due to their tiny size. This is why many times, if I have a sick rodent, I still don’t take them to the vet. It’s not because I am cruel. It’s because there’s often no point. Dogs and cats on the other hand, should see vets even when nothing is wrong. Get them checked up, get them checked out, check their teeth and stuff, all that. Especially since that, as in people, finding a problem early in them means they can be treated sooner, and have a better shot. But this is all very expensive too. Small animals overall are much less expensive creatures. That said, they still cost money to take care of properly, there’s no pet that doesn’t. Be prepared for that. There’s a whole world of animals I haven’t even mentioned, such as birds, fish, reptiles, and rodents that I’ve never kept (like guinea pigs, I’ve never had guinea pigs) because I don’t have personal experience with them, but like everything else here, I’m sure they have different needs they’re good at fulfilling, and different needs of their own that you have to be prepared for. Whatever you choose, research its needs THOROUGHLY. There’s a lot of information out there that is WRONG. For instance, rodents should NOT be kept in those tiny colorful cages that pet stores love to sell you. Betta fish should NOT be kept in tiny bowls, or in unfiltered vases with just a plant to eat (they’re CARNIVOROUS fish) Even if you’re keeping an insect, it deserves a good quality of life. They’re completely in your hands, you owe it to them to be responsible for them. My rodents give me so much, and I *want* to give them the best in return because I *love* them, and that actually ends up being beneficial for me too---I would feel bad about myself if I weren’t giving them quality care! So, I’d assess your needs, and check out animals that suit those. Then, I’d assess the animal’s needs. Make a list of pros and cons for each critter you like. Weigh ‘em. Think carefully. It may take awhile, but it’s better for both you AND the animal that it’s something you spend time thinking about. Best of luck!!

[technicolortheshow]

BOHREN & DER CLUB OF GORE

My Bloody Quarantine part 1

The last six months have been pretty shit, hey? It looks like there is no future anymore... global warming, COVID-19, Australia on fire, wars... shall I go on?

ANYWAY, we are not here to talk about a stupid government led by a buffoon with a mop in his head (ops!) but to praise one of the bands who kept me company during this bloody quarantine of mine: BOHREN & DER CLUB OF GORE. This German act, in fact, hung out with me during the several nights of insomnia, which, trust me, were devastating, loooooong and cold. Cigarettes after cigarettes, wine after wine, I thoroughly enjoyed the discography of the quartet and I thought it was time to write something about them.

Because of the slow-moving and nocturnal nature of their music, a doom jazz plenty of end-of-the-world ballads, or, in their words "unholy ambient mixture of slow jazz ballads, Black Sabbath doom and down-tuned Autopsy sounds", I happily matched their records to these apocalyptic months. Just like a dark noir by Leo Malet, or a Terry Gilliam dystopian movie, Bohren & Der Club of Gore managed to convey, over the last 25 years, a deep sense of ethical abandonment and claustrophobic imprisonment. There is no future in the music of the German band, no escape from reality, which is doomed and looped into an endless limbo. A not long time ago - which now seems AGES ago, to be honest - I went to the White Cube for the latest Kiefer’s exhibition. I believe that the combination of BCG music and Kiefer’s artworks pretty well. 

Over the last months, while listening to them, between a Medoc and a Nebbiolo, I was picturing the band in a smoky “bar at the end of the world”, channelling some kind of Tom Hillenbrant’s dystopian political setting or a Lynde Mallison’s grey cold painting. The best description, though, comes from the band website: “Dear friends of nighttime drives, remote bridges to nowhere and empty multi-storey car parks”. Club Silencio state of mind, indeed.

The ensemble has constantly been releasing high-quality records since 1994, with the first doom jazz album called MOTEL GORE - albeit the first release was a 1992 cassette filled with post-hardcore noise published under the name of Langspielkassette. MOTEL GORE is, as someone brilliantly described it “audio pointillism”. I think this similitude is accurate: the band did draw tiny dots of obscure, eerie, music on canvases of sound. “Die Fulci Nummer” drives me mad, with its spectral adagio: it’s so good it would’ve been great in the Fulci’s masterpiece Non si Sevizia un Paperino. “Cairo Keller” is charming and evocative, reminding me of a possible soundtrack for Lovecraft The Nameless City. Extra points for the brilliant reference of the cover.

in 1997 BCG published MIDNIGHT RADIO, two hours of lynchian-LA-night-driving-without-a-destination soundtrack. if it is true that its predecessor "Gore Motel" is more song-oriented, and therefore a lot easier to listen to - it’s evident that Midnight Radio is more rewarding in its own special way: it’s a journey in the darkest corner of your mind. Yes, because the journeys BCG offers are not only external but often internal. The band has developed over the years a therapeutic dialogue between the listeners and their consciousness. Jungian jazz music anyone? LET’S DEBATE!  

By the way, while writing this article, I’ve realised how difficult is to talk about BCG music without quoting several cliches - everyone always ends up referring to the same stuff:” car parks”, “night drive”, “Lynch”. But I have to admit, in this case, it’s definitely true! Listening to BCG can really inspire these topics under our skins, as trivial as it sounds! The point is: they do it better than anyone else, they have been doing this forever and they represent the top in this particular sub-genre. With the results of a cinematographic component in their music that leads to these night drive scenarios, post-modern inner state of minds. Bravo!

Let’s go back to Midnight Radio, to BGC and their discography. It’s undeniable that their music fits perfectly in the set of the SLOW TV/MUSIC/YOUTUBE movement. From The Norway train to this 1986 Canadian TV show called “NIGHT WALK” (which, by the way, looks freaking awesome), from Andy Warhol’ “SLEEP” to Kiarostami or Tarkovsky cinema, the slow movement has left an imprint to contemporary culture. Arguably, BGC, with their long holistic records, is part of the movement. Calming the listeners and bringing them into a meditative state of mind, without being mindfulness - luckily. The point is: BCG makes you think about yourselves, finding out that you are someone you should be scared of! Know yourself, fear yourself!

All that Jazz came in 2000 with the thrilling “SUNSET MISSION”, thanks to the help of saxophonist Christoph Clöser. In this record the band opened up the sound, literally letting some fresh air to enter their music, easing the claustrophobic moods of the previous albums. A hint of lounge-ness came in, due to the mellow, yet sophisticated, sax of Mr Clöser. It is still quintessential BCG, with the nihilism of the band raising up form the bass. Slow, reiterated bass lines are running through the record, giving to Sunset Mission a gloomy, hypnotic cadence. The liner notes include a quote from Matt Wagner's Grendel comic book, which reads: "Alone in the comforting darkness the creature waits. As confusion reigns on this hellish stage, the deafening grind of machinery, the odious clot of chemical waste. Still, the trail of his ultimate prey leads through this steely maze to these, the addled offspring of the modern world.

According to many people, 2002 ‘BLACK EARTH” is BCG masterpiece. I don’t know yet, as I REALLY like them all. What I can say is that Black Earth sounds a lot more accessible, with an even more developed sense of ‘lounge-ness’ which was not so evident in the previous records.  Blach Earth is a good record. Perhaps the trick here is the balanced tempo of the saxophone. Perfectly played within the songs at the right time, Christoph Clöser’ sax conveys an open jazzy sound. One of my favourite directors ever is Jean-Pierre Melville, his movies are everything I like in term of style and plot. Noir a là Dashiell Hammett, but French and without hope - give me more of this, Hollywood, please! Enough of fucking Marvel heroes, give me noir hard-boiled movies! 

Black Earth could have easily been the perfect great soundtrack for Mr Melville’s movies - especially, IHMO, Bob le flambeur. Think about it: a french man, with a cigarette in his mouth, gambling his life for a young woman, in a dirty Marseille, with the BCG slow tempo doomed jazz. yasss please, give me more. Or a glacial Alain Delon killing his lover for money.

Black Earth was followed up, in 2005, by “GEISTERFAUST”, which is considered a slower than ever version of the former album. In Ghost Fist (this is the translation) Bohren & Der Club of Gore has stripped down its sound to the bone, becoming more gentle and less aggressive without any compromise. 5 songs only, named after the 5 fingers of the hand, for an hour of dark jazz. Again, excellent quality.

I have been buying BCG on CD, I think this music on vinyl does not sound perfect UNLESS you have an extremely high-quality sound system, Like some classical music issue, where you need to hear the pianissimo of the piano and single notes, BCG music deserves a very clean medium, I would say CD is the best.

Jazz de nuit again on their seventh album “DOLORES” published in 2008. This record is pure Badalamenti, pure Lynch in the night. Within the ten songs of Dolores, the core idea of slow-music is even more highlighted, with no guitars at all on the whole album and a sedated keyboard-based mood.  In 2009 the band released a 10 minute EP called “MITLEID LADY”. it is strange, because, albeit recorded just after Dolores, it sounds way more gloomy and somehow different. It is BCG but has another level of sophistication compared to the previous record. This step further in the direction of stylistic accuracy is confirmed two years after, in 2011, with another EP, this one named “BEILEID”. The cover of the record is a reference to the famous Edward Gorey, or at least I believe. 

The record includes the cover of  "Catch My Heart" by German heavy metal band Warlock, with vocals from Mike Patton. I believe this is the only song with a singer in the entire catalogue of the band. Beileid is a cinematic mood-changer composed of pained saxophone solos, and ghostly string sections, an album that will sweep your mind away into dreamland. A must-have IHMO.

In 2013 the ensemble released “PIANO NIGHTS” probably the warmest record of the band. The Piano obviously helps a lot in making the sound softer and brighter - candle lighted rigorously. A German Gothic feast, with a touch of Teutonic expressionism - who remembers the movie The Hands Of Orlac. BCG should definitely play the soundtracks of this movie. A twisted, dark, thriller with Gothic and expressionist elements. After many years, the band introduces the 

Finally, in 2020, the band published “PATCHOULI BLUE”. A pristine, unique, summa of their work, which manages to sound similar to other releases of the band, yet unique, with something different, like a small accent. 50s noir glam, Badalamenti, German Gothic, Slow-Movement philosophy are all elements we can find in this record, but there is something else: a hint of electronic, which can possibly open new territories to the band. I am curious to see if they will become a techno ambient act in the like of Gas (joking).

Aristotle once said that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. I guess this is the whole point in BCG’s music. The synergy the band has been consistently showing over the last 3 decades, and the constant refinement of their own skills. 

VIVA BOHREN! 

[innuendostudios]

[edit: the video was false-flagged as “hatespeech” on YouTube, so I have swapped the embed with a mirror on Vimeo. I will swap them back when I get the YouTube version reinstated/replaced in a re-edited form.]

It would not be possible to continue The Alt-Right Playbook without sitting down and defining fascism, so here we are. I know I said the next one would be shorter, and I was proven a damned liar. Maybe the next one! As ever, keep this series, and all my other videos, coming out steadily by backing me on Patreon.

Transcript below the cut.

"Fascism" is a term I've heard thrown around since I was a kid, but, most of the time, idiomatically. "Fascist" is what you called your Type A, passive-aggressive roommate: "Stop being such a fascist, Debra." Through osmosis, I knew its literal meaning was among a cluster of related words: Authoritarianism, totalitarianism, white supremacy, nationalism, dictatorship. But, for much of my life, if you pressed me to define any of these words, I could have only said, "You know, Nazis. Hitler, the Gestapo... you know, Nazis!"

This colloquializing of fascism, and its association with the cultural shorthand for pure evil, makes it very hard to discuss as an ideology, because even using the word, "fascism," sounds both hyperbolic and like a punch below the belt. To call a person, group, or idea "fascist" is to exaggerate for the purpose of dragging them.

Counterintuitively, this prevents us from criticizing fascist groups, even though most everyone agrees fascism is terrible, because, saying it, you sound ridiculous. You’re talking about Indiana Jones villains. So I'm going to be using the word, "fascism," kind of a lot in this video, hoping that we can semantically satiate it just enough that its connotative meanings - irreverent sarcasm and the envisioning of stormtroopers - are dulled to the point that we can talk about fascism as a system of beliefs, and as a mode of political organizing, and about who practices it today.

Our work necessitates a conversation about fascism; specifically, white fascism.

(Fascism, fascism, fascism.)

I. Fascism

Central to fascism is the belief that some people are more deserving of power than others, and that society’s appropriate structure is a hierarchy where increasingly smaller groups of betters rule over the lessers. This is not unique to fascism; this is the organizing principle of many social systems.

The difference between systems is whom each hierarchy says should be at the top. In a feudal monarchy, the top is the king and his family, and they get there by royal bloodline. In a capitalist free market (*cough*), people earn their place at the top by success in business. In fascism, the ones at the top should be “us,” whomever “us” happens to be, and they should get there by any means available.

The most succinct definition of fascism comes from Roger Griffin: “palingenetic ultranationalism,” a wonderful term because it fits a great many ideas into only two roots and a bunch of affixes, and a terrible one because both words need definitions of their own. (That’s not how efficiency works, Rog!)

So, OK: Palingenesis is the idea of rebirth, with some frankly Biblical overtones. The word “palingenesis” is used to refer to reincarnation, or the remaking of the world after Judgment Day. In terms of fascism, it is the notion that “we,” as a unified people, are ancient, that our former glory has waned, and that we are due to rise again. The implications that this rebirth will come by purging the world in fire with boiling seas and a blood-red sky are not entirely accidental. It is the granting of “us” with mythological importance.

Nationalism is, in the broadest sense, thinking of oneself through the lens of national identity. A single person holds a lot of identities: White, male, gamer, New Englander, cyclist, sports racer, and so on. Nationalism is the lens through which thinking of oneself as, for instance, American, is distinct from being Canadian, Liberian, Chilean, and that putting stock in this distinction is desirable. This can play out a lot of ways: Nationalism can be a colonized people forming an identity distinct from the ruling class and arguing that this people should have its own state, as in the American or Haitian Revolutions; Black nationalism has argued, at times, that Black Americans, while coexisting with other Americans, should maintain a distinct identity rather than be assimilated into white culture; and where Black nationalism has also sometimes argued for the repatriation of Black Americans to African nations, white nationalism typically argues that whites should have a nation of their own, not by returning to Europe, but by removing non-whites from the US (something Native Americans have opinions about). This would be an example of ultranationalism: The emphasizing of national identity as among the most, if not the most, important.

(These are not rare traits, and I want to stress that it is not the presence but the confluence of them that gives fascism its character.)

So, palingenetic ultranationalism: The belief that the nation is of the utmost importance, that the people running the nation should be a narrowly defined “us,” and that “we” should rule because it’s, more or less, our destiny.

The religiosity of this framing is intentional. Most hierarchical systems will make some case for why society should be structured a certain way: The king has been groomed for his role since birth, Steve Jobs did real good at the business factory. Fascism suspends the need for explanation: We belong at the top because we just do. Destiny. When pressed, fascists will offer pseudo-rational justifications for why they should be in charge which fall apart under the barest scrutiny, but debunking these claims is largely ineffective because, while they follow the cadences of reasoned argument, they’re operating on the level of emotion, faith, and a sense of belonging.

There’s a reason fascist regimes rely heavily on propaganda: Propaganda traffics not in arguments but in symbols. For the Nazis, it was the German soldier; for the Soviets, it was the worker. Propaganda relies on inspiring imagery that evokes cherished aspects of the culture, like the family or the countryside - “the babe in his cradle is closing his eyes, the blossom embraces the bee” - and ties those images to fascist ideals - “but soon, says a whisper, arise, arise, tomorrow belongs to me.” All of this is meant to make one swell with pride in such a way that it’s very hard to think about what is actually being said. Racist caricatures of Black and Jewish people - or whomever is “not us” in a given system - serve the same purpose by evoking hatred, or fear of what might happen to “us” if “they” were in control.

Jason Stanley calls this “affective override,” the moment where emotion shuts down critical thinking. If you’ve ever had a conversation with a conservative about, like, healthcare or something, and after a few exchanges they’re chest-beating about how “this is the nation of freedom and choice, the greatest nation that ever was, and I’m not going to let you take from me my god-given…” you’ve seen this in action. Fascism depends on this passionate fervor because it can’t convincingly pretend to be rational. The reason why one particular “us” should be at the top of the hierarchy, or why there should even be a hierarchy in the first place, is arbitrary. It’s that way because a particular “us” wants it that way.

II. Authority

We usually associate fascism with the image of state violence, be it the punishing of The Other, the policing of citizens, or the conquering of other nations, and, while this is almost always the case, fascism is not, as a rule, militant. In practice, fascists are not authoritarians or pacifists. For that matter, they're not capitalists or anti-capitalists. They're not statists or anarchists. They're not monarchists, oligarchists, or plutocrats. They are Whatever Puts Us In Power-ists.

For instance: Capitalism is a hierarchical system, and so fascists will often try to influence policy such that the capitalist hierarchy starts to resemble the desired fascist one, but only until the point that it stops suiting their needs. The “us” of fascism is always defined by essential qualities like race or heritage, qualities that don’t change. A poor person can become less poor, but a Black person can’t become less Black, so, no matter how biased and stratified capitalism becomes, so long as it is still technically possible for someone from the lower classes to rise above their station, there will come a time when fascists must leave capitalism behind in favor of a system fully without social mobility.

Similarly, if fascists have the ability to take governmental control through nonviolent means, they will often do so - remember, Mussolini took power in a coup but Hitler was elected. If democracy and nonviolence can be put to fascist ends, they will be. But instituting a system that benefits the few while the many suffer and where, by design, no one suffering is allowed to improve their situation, might as well be writing ad copy for guillotines, and that’s how you get the SS. So, yes, fascist power trends towards authoritarianism because, on a long enough timeline, it will be the only way fascism can maintain itself.

But, also, fascists and authoritarians think power, brutality, and subjugation are sexy in more or less identical ways, so, while not all authoritarians are fascists, most fascists are authoritarians. And state violence is often a way of getting people invested in a hierarchy that doesn’t directly benefit them: “You may not be at the top, but if you’re somewhere around the middle, we can employ you as military or police to keep the lower classes in line.” Many people will relinquish their rights to fascists in exchange for being “the arm of the law,” and, the more powerful the state becomes, the more vicarious power they get to wield. So long as they’re not at the bottom, they have some investment in the system continuing as is, because it authorizes them to fuck people up.

The other way fascism justifies itself to the masses is to insist that the only alternative is death. “We are a great and noble people with an illustrious history, and if we achieve our fated rebirth we will form the most glorious nation in all of history and take our rightful place as world leader, and if we fail we will be eradicated.” There is no in between. “They are coming for us, they are everywhere, we can beat them, but this is the only way.” Race war is the usual go-to, claiming Black people are savages and razing our cities to the ground is their nature, or that they want revenge for slavery (which, I mean…). Sometimes they go with a Jewish conspiracy as revenge for the Holocaust. Or both at the same time. Right now Islamophobia’s in fashion. Each depends on downplaying slavery or the Holocaust or the Crusades as the horrific acts that they were, insisting that the crimes are greatly exaggerated by history, because these are all pretty damning counterarguments to “us” being the greatest people who have ever lived.

III. Whiteness

Race is like gender and money: It’s real, but only because we make it real. But fascism necessitates the belief that whatever makes “us” us is not only extremely real, in the biological and/or spiritual sense, but that people can be ranked by it. And, when stacking the hierarchy, white fascists put themselves at the top. So: What is whiteness?

The short answer is that whiteness is whatever it needs to be. Whiteness was created to differentiate one people from the people they were oppressing. Whiteness is a means to an end. The people most fixated with the definition of whiteness are racists, but there is no anti-racist definition. Racists invented whiteness, and all white people are folded into it.

And the way white people conceive of whiteness is fundamentally different from how they conceive of other races. A common example of this phenomenon is Barack Obama: Obama had one Black parent and one white parent. But, while he can call himself the first Black President, he could never call himself a white President. (Or, well, he could call himself whatever he wanted, but white people wouldn’t agree, and no one would treat him like a white President.) White people are only white if they’re purebreeds, or if non-whiteness is far enough back in their family tree that one can pretend it isn’t there. These rules of purity don’t apply to other races: When Black and white people have children, those children are allowed to be Black, or any number of (often racist) terms for mixed-race children. But, whatever they are, they can’t be white.

This frames interracial families as an increase of one race and a decrease in whites. So, by this logic, where other races spread, whiteness has to be maintained.

White people don’t consider whiteness a race; it is the absence of race. The undiluted form of which all other races are deviations. And, if it goes, it can’t be brought back.

This is, of course, nonsense. It’s a bunch of made-up rules to justify white supremacy. There’s only so long fascists can insist, “If we don’t strike first, they’re going to kill us all,” before people start to notice that the race war they’ve been promising for a century doesn’t seem to be happening. So, then, the terms have to be updated: Now the existential threat is a generational project. Now Black people even existing near white people is the race war. They’re literally going to fuck us out of existence.

And, because whiteness is made up, it can be endlessly redefined. A tension inherent to fascism is that rather a lot of people are required to bring it into existence, but, by design, only a small number of people will run it once it exists. So, commonly, the definition of “us” is broadened while building coalitions, and gets progressively narrower the more fascist society becomes.

White fascists in the US and Europe go back and forth on whether or not Jewish people get to be white. For a while it was kiiiind of a soft yes, and now it’s tipping the other way as they gain influence. Ethnic groups formerly considered non-white, like Italians and the Irish, became white when white culture feared marginalized immigrants might ally with slaves in revolt.

Bigotry is intersectional; there aren’t a lot of single-issue bigots, people who hate Mexicans but fight for everyone else’s rights. People generally don't apply this hierarchical thinking to just one aspect of their lives. So - commonly - racism is comorbid with anti-Semitism is comorbid with misogyny is comorbid with transphobia is comorbid with homophobia is comorbid with religious intolerance. I mean, just listen to a Klansman talk about Catholics sometime, or, better yet, don’t. Any marginalized group may be inducted into the tribe to consolidate against a common enemy, but, should that enemy be defeated, the inductees become the new enemy.

We can see the history of social progress in the US as successively disenfranchised groups demanding and, sometimes, gaining their rights one by one, with reactionaries trying to beat back the tide. Transphobia is recently rampant in fascist circles and conservative politics because, with the legalization of same-sex marriage, the battle against homosexuality is thought to be lost - or, at least, at a ceasefire. This gives some cause to welcome gay transphobes into the ranks. But, should they seize enough power to strip what few protections trans people have gained recently, and the alliance is no longer useful, their gaze refocuses, and it’s last hired, first fired for the homosexuals. And then the African-Americans, and then the women, and on and on, stripping rights from social groups in the order opposite to which they were gained, like the plot of Final Destination 2.

IV. Goals

You might be thinking the endgame here is a nice, homogenous group of white men to sit at the top of the pyramid, and the white fascists would be thinking the same. But, in reality, there is no endgame. It’s not like, if the fascists get their ethnostate, they’re just gonna call it a day. It’s the flaw in obsessing over racial purity: Whiteness is defined by what it’s not. If it isn’t contrasted with something else, it ceases to be an identity. So, if the whites kick all the non-whites out of their country, suddenly the Irish and Italians aren’t white anymore. And then maybe the albinos, or the brunettes, or the Virginians, it doesn’t matter, the rules are made up. One way or another, the pyramid grows thinner.

The authoritarian mindset is one that just likes stripping rights from people. Leave authoritarians no one to strip rights from and they start stripping them from each other. (And yes, that’s what the research says.) The other outlet for this restless energy is war, invasion, colonization: Deport all the Mexicans and then follow them into Mexico. Go seeking an Other to define yourself against.

You’ve maybe noticed that these three drives - the seeking out of conflict, the need to subjugate more and more people, and the shrinking of one’s base of power - is not a recipe for success. Most hierarchical systems seek equilibrium, finding the point where the masses are just happy enough that they don’t disembowel you. But the trajectory of fascism is to make enemies, cast out allies, narrow the gene pool, and stuff your ill-gotten wealth into the military until you’re fully stocked with the kinds of weapons that ensure mutual destruction.

I’m not the first to say: white fascism is a suicide cult.

The history of fascism is one of atrocity followed by failure followed by disgrace, so modern fascists operate in a cycle of constant reinvention as they try to distance themselves from movements that came before. The ideology doesn’t change, but the rhetoric does, primarily by stealing rhetoric from the Left, because it’s, flatly, more popular. White nationalists calling themselves “identitarians” is an appropriation of progressive identity politics. The rhetoric of “white power” is an intentional bastardization of Black power movements. Even the Nazis, while installing a dictatorship, knew to call themselves socialists, and, despite German antifascism being formed predominantly by socialists and the first death camp being originally built to throw communists in, some people still believe this?

This appropriation of rhetoric is how each generation of fascists rebrands itself. “We’re not like those fascists who got hanged for what they did; we’re young, hip, and successful! Come back, baby, it’ll be different this time.”

V. The Administration

So, with all this explanation of what fascists believe and how they operate, I hope it’s clear that there is no workable definition of fascism that does not include the Alt-Right. They are, to the letter, a white fascist movement. That’s neither a diss nor an exaggeration, it’s a simple statement of fact.

So, then, to ask the trickier question: “Is the current administration fascist?” And, well, that depends on where you draw the line between “fascist” and “opportunist.”

Consider the evidence: The administration has staffed multiple fascist figureheads. It’s repeated a number of fascist slogans. It employs a nationalist thinking in which the nation should always get more out of any deal than the other participants. It holds the hierarchical belief that the President need not follow the same laws as the citizens. It relies on fear and demonization of a racial Other and portrays their mere presence in society as an invasion. It permits and makes justifications for violence against dissenters. It threatens to strip rights from opponents and members of the press. It relies on nostalgia for a mythologized past to sell a narrative of cultural rebirth. And its followers are intersectionally bigoted against women, the poor, Muslims, Black people, trans people, and queer people.

The only hesitance I feel around saying “this is fascism” centers around intent. How much of what they do and say do they believe in, and how much is just riding a wave of fascist sympathy to fuel a narcissistic lust for power and ram through policies that make them rich? But, ultimately, while there is some tactical value in this distinction - you have to deal with an opportunist differently from a true believer - in most contexts, the difference doesn’t matter.

Many will just tell you, “The correct term for ‘Nazi sympathizer’ is ‘Nazi,’” but if you won’t take that leap, consider this: Even if they have no particular plan or aptitude for creating a fascist government, any body in power that uses fascist rhetoric, lays the groundwork for future fascism, and empowers fascist movements needs to be at least viewed through the lens of fascism. Whether or not they’re fascists in their hearts is a question for historians. Whatever they are, they are, some percentage of the time, doing fascism. And, for our purposes, that's all we need to know.

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

Holy Moses revolutionised the 80s thrash scene. Why don't more people know about them?

Amid the boys club of 80s thrash, Holy Moses frontwoman Sabine Classen stood out. It’s time to give her band the credit they deserve

“I would’ve loved to sing like Ozzy. But these horrible noises came out of my throat instead!”

When it comes to metal’s unsung heroes, Sabina Classen deserves to be near the top of the list. As vocalist with Holy Moses, she’s spent four decades leading the charge for women in (extreme) metal, with scabrous roars and screams her trademark.

Formed at school in the late 70s in Aachen, Germany, they may not have had the same global impact as their countrymen Kreator and Destruction, but their vocalist is an undisputed underground icon and, as Hammer discovers chatting with her today, one of the loveliest human beings in the entire metal scene. It certainly helps that, as Sabina explains, becoming perhaps the first aggressive female vocalist in metal was an accident.

“My boyfriend Andy [Classen] joined the first Holy Moses line-up and we’d hang out at their rehearsal space,” she remembers. “Their bass player, Ramon, was the founding member, and he kicked the singer out because he looked too much like a hippie! Ha ha! Then he said to me, ‘Sabina, you sing now!’ I was shocked. I said, ‘I can’t sing, I’ve no idea about singing!’ But he was insistent, so I took the microphone and did this deep growl, just to show him that I couldn’t sing, ‘See? Only this fucking noise is coming out!’ But he said, ‘That’s it!’”

Four decades on, Sabina still seems shocked by her transformation into a metal vocalist. Holy Moses were all still at school when they started to pick up local shows and a small but loyal fanbase. Heavy metal was only just beginning to establish itself as a genre as the 80s dawned, and thrash was some years away from emerging as a major force. Sabina and her bandmates didn’t even consider that they might be able to make a career out of music.

“We had no ideas about getting a record deal. For me, only big bands like Black Sabbath and AC/DC had deals. So we’d just rehearse after school and write the songs. We had friends from school and friends from Belgium and Holland, and they came to our rehearsal room and eventually they said, ‘We want this on tape!’ So they pulled out this old- school tape recorder and taped what we did at rehearsal. We played shows and sold the tapes for five German Marks, and it was other people that sent those tapes to record companies. And then we got signed. It was totally crazy.”

Holy Moses signed a deal with Bochum-based AAARRG Records in 1985, just as thrash was becoming an unstoppable phenomenon. Although noticeably less commercial and considerably snottier than their US counterparts, German thrash was beginning to have significant impact internationally, too, with the country’s own emergent Big Four – Destruction, Kreator, Sodom and Tankard – all flying the flag for Northern European brutality. Not that Holy Moses knew it, however.

“In our small city, where we started out as a school band, we knew nothing about the other bands or anything else!” Sabina chuckles. “Once we got that deal, we got in contact with the guys from Sodom, Destruction and Assassin and all of those bands. They already had real merchandise but we were still doing it all by ourselves. So they taught us a lot.”

Recorded at Phoenix Studio in Bochum, Germany, in 1986, Holy Moses’ debut album, Queen Of Siam, remains an anomaly in the band’s now-extensive catalogue. In contrast with later albums, their earliest songs were neither particularly fast by the standards of the mid-80s nor as precise as metal was becoming. Nonetheless, the scabrous, raging likes of Necropolis and Walpurgisnight were vastly more intense and extreme than the majority of hard rock and heavy metal available in the early-to-mid 80s, with Sabina’s voice a fundamental part of their vicious appeal. Recalling the album’s recording, Sabina pulls a face of discomfort, noting that even after a few years of fronting Holy Moses, she felt completely out of her depth in this new environment.

“It was a horror!” she frowns. “They put me in a separate room to do the vocals. I couldn’t believe having music in my ears through the headphones and not being able to see my guys! I didn’t know anything! It was all the songs from the demo tapes from ’81 and ’82, but everything sounded totally different on real tape with a real production, so we all had to learn a lot and quickly. We definitely learned that all of our songs were way too long! Ha ha! The producer cut everything. He’d keep saying, ‘You have to cut this, because that riff comes back again and again and again!’”

Sabina becomes misty-eyed when she thinks back to Holy Moses’ first taste of success in the late 80s. After following up their debut with the skull-shattering fury of 1987’s Finished With The Dogs (“We wanted to play a lot faster and we rehearsed with a metronome!” laughs Sabina) and the more sophisticated The New Machine Of Liechtenstein in 1989, they became a permanent fixture on the European touring circuit and a genuinely big deal in Germany, Holland and Belgium in particular. For Sabina, it was a magical time, never to be repeated.

“We had so many great times and great tours. I particularly loved the tour we did with [US crossover icons] D.R.I. and [cult LA thrashers] Holy Terror in ’87 because it was our first time meeting the bands from the States. The guys from D.R.I. helped us a lot and the shows were totally crazy. They were all sold out. I remember Berlin and Hamburg, where the fans were going so crazy when we played, it blew me away. In my heart we were still a school band! I couldn’t believe that so many people wanted to listen to the crazy noises that we made.”

Although she is unerringly modest, Sabina is aware that she is regarded as a true pioneer for women in heavy music. When Queen Of Siam hit the streets back in 1986, aggressive vocalists in metal were becoming increasingly common, but Sabina was arguably the only high- profile female screamer around. More than three decades later, she allows herself an occasional inward glow of pride for kicking open the door for her metalhead sisters.

“Now, after all these years, I can be really happy to have done what I did, making that first step to do it,” she nods. “When I started out there were no girls in the audience! So something changed and now, when I look at the scene and listen to bands like Arch Enemy with Alissa [White-Gluz] and many other young girls, they could all be my kids! I’m nearly the grandma, you know? I’m really proud that I followed my instinct. Now I can see how much success girls can have in metal, I’m happy that I helped to pave the way for that.”

A six-year hiatus during the 90s aside, Holy Moses have continued to make music, most recently with 2014’s utterly crushing Redefined Mayhem album. They’ll celebrate their 40th anniversary in 2021. These days, Sabina spends much of her time either working as a psychotherapist or, rather charmingly, working with horses. But her passion for metal has never wavered and continues to inspire her on a daily basis.

“I studied psychotherapy and now I work with my clients, so I do have another life,” she smiles, eyes twinkling. “But in my heart, I always felt I needed the music. Without it, I wouldn’t be the same person I am now, working with my clients or working with horses. It’s an unbelievable energy that I get from it. Metal makes you feel like you can do anything. It’s a community and it has power. So I’ll do it as long as I can do it.”

In truth, it’s a little hard to equate the fiery, near-demonic figure Sabina cuts onstage with the humble and self-effacing soul that we speak to today. But make no mistake, this living legend has plenty of fire in her belly and is ready to scream again when the moment is right.

“I was riding my horse earlier today and I rode into the woods where it was really dark,” she muses. “At first I was afraid, sitting on my horse in the dark wood, but at that moment I thought, ‘No Sabina, feel like you do when you’re onstage. Be that Sabina! You can cope with a festival playing to 100,000 people so you can manage your horse now!’”

Published in Metal Hammer #330