#definitely a reddit user

[t0fcon]

I can't stop laughing at that message

[corruptionprincess]

white collar where neil gets into some sort of rock/hard place situation and has no choice but forge thousands of election ballots

[marklikely]

is the reddit migration even a thing

[berdlederdle]

He definitely has week long internet arguwmenys with people to prove Goku is stronger (he loses all of them)

[llegah]

After seeing this play out enough times, you truly engrave into your mind that moids continually feel entitled to women's bodies and time, so they continually fail to empathize with women. They have only selfish expectations with zero considerations.

came across a reddit thread in which a bunch of men discussed a video game where the player can punish or reward little nonhuman creatures in order to train them, and someone said it disturbed him to learn that some players punish the creatures more than is needed, because they (the players) just seem to enjoy it. this triggered a debate on whether it’s unethical or no big deal to hurt virtual creatures who don’t feel pain and aren’t sentient, and the consensus was that it’s wrong, because it’s not about whether the creature feels pain or minds being punished, it’s about the fact that the player enjoys doing this to them and that means something is wrong with him

what are the odds that this random sample of men on reddit are anti-prostitution activists and tell their male friends there’s something wrong with them if they watch porn? lol their thread literally sounded like a radfem post about how it doesn’t matter if a woman in porn / prostitution / bdsm consents to what’s being done to her or claims to enjoy being degraded, it’s about men’s enjoyment of practices that degrade and hurt women, and what it means. turns out men perfectly understand the concept, they just don’t think it applies to these topics because they feel more empathy towards nonsentient nonhuman video game creatures than towards women

[freshapplecider]

Hey guys!!! If anyone here has Substack I'd love to hear your thoughts on whether it feels worth it to you as a writer and just generally how you feel about using the platform!

I write professionally and tried Medium in the past, and I'm thinking about starting a Substack to get back into writing creative essays and sharing more intimate ideas and other topics that typically don't "do well" at big pop culture sites but I'm curious how much money you'd actually make and what the community is like

[technofeudalism]

every single comment on this post has been nuked by reddit.

per what reddit mods have said, they are apparently cracking down on anything glorifying Luigi Mangione or "promoting violence".

so we're absolutely clear on reddit's opinion of "promoting violence":

r/CombatFootage, which regularly shares high definition, extremely graphic war footage, including drones dropping grenades on prone soldiers in Ukraine/Russia and people having limbs being blown off by explosions, has 1,761,375 subscribers. It is one of the top 500 subreddits by subscribers and in the Top 60 NSFW subreddits.

The Columbine Shooters have a subreddit for discussing the Columbine Killers and their families with over 33,000 members. It has been active since May 5th, 2020.

The Sandy Hook shooter has a subreddit dedicated to discussing him with 3,551 members. Here are some of the posts, in addition to pictures of him as a child. It has been active since December 3rd, 2021. he is also described by a mod of the subreddit as "not a pedophile, but an ephebophile."

The Pennsylvania Weis Markets shooter has a subreddit dedicated to discussing him with 500~ members. It has been active since April 15th, 2022.

The Apalachee High School shooter has a subreddit dedicated to discussing him with 260~ users. It was created the day of the shooting, September 4th, 2024.

if you dig through the frequent contributors to these subreddits, you will find that the vast amount of crossover from the users occurs in communities such as r/teenagers, r/highschool, r/roblox and a wide variety of subreddits dedicated to self harm, severe mental health struggles and other mass killers or topics related to them. totally normal stuff that reddit allows.

this is without seeking out all of the alt-right rat nests that have buried themselves underneath somewhat innocuous-looking community names pushing dog whistles and avoiding overt calls for violence.

every last one of these social media platforms, including the one that we are on, overtly allows glorification and deification of the most notorious, mentally unwell, violent, extremist mass killers in modern history. but if you show any kind of approval of what Luigi Mangione is accused of doing, you are censored not in days, but hours.

i sincerely hope this opens the eyes of people who previously didn't see the forest for the trees. this is what is meant by “they got you fighting a culture war to stop you fighting a class war.” not that our cultures aren't significant or that we don't have differences, but that ultimately, the divide among us lies in wealth, not in skin color.

as long as the "poors" are killing each other, there's no reason for alarm or concern. it's only when the roles are reversed that we see action taken or examples made of people like Luigi Mangione.

[ms-demeanor]

I got called into a meeting in January where people were very delicately trying to figure out how we were going to tell the client that their environment uses WinServer 2022 but the licenses we had purchased were 2025 so we either needed to update their whole system or return the licenses and purchase the correct version and I was like????????

You don't tell them that because it's not true?

Windows Server has downgrade rights. Just install 2022.

Because there was so much consternation about this that last week I searched around for definitive instructions from Microsoft and came to a subreddit where someone posted a downgrade rights document for 2022 but said the 2025 ones hadn't been released yet. When I searched the name of the 2022 document on Microsoft's site I found an updated 2025 document and later dropped the link in the thread in case anyone else came looking (forum rules; pay it forward). Then I sent the PDF and info about the downgrade rights to the head of the team working on that server.

Today, one of our other techs, Sam, asked me if she could reach out to the vendor to get 2022 licenses for the same user and I was like??????? I gave Brad the PDF???? Again, you can just downgrade, ask Mike from the socal office, he's done it before. And she said "no you can only downgrade OEM licenses" and I said "go to your meeting and i'll ask Mike to reach out to you."

Mike was on the phone so I pinged another guy and asked "hey you've done downgrades from like 2022 to 2019 before, right?" and he said "No, but I could figure it out." And I was like, "yeah, the team working on that server could use a hand." And he said, "here, give them this" and it was a link to a microsoft answers thread that insists that you can only downgrade OEM licenses and is incorrect in other ways (it only gives instructions on how to downgrade OEM, but then talks about VLSC licenses? VLSC has been gone for ages it's been CSP for like five years; clearly what Sam had been looking at though).

And I rolled my eyes and sighed and was like "fine, what chat did i put that fucking pdf in" when my coworker goes "Oh, actually, 2025 has downgrade rights" and links me to my own fucking reddit comment.

[aingeal98]

Headcanon that Tim introduces Cass to reddit and helps her make an account. But she mostly uses it to ask questions and user batgirlfan99 accidentally becomes a meme and an urban legend. Half her posts are AITA situations listing either horrible trauma done to her which she doesn't acknowledge as trauma or moments where she was most definitely the asshole but seems massively confused as to why. To make things more baffling the other half of her posts are questions to various subreddits like "Why does food have out of date labels when it tastes fine?" or "How many bones can I break when I'm fighting someone before it becomes cruel and not OK?" and "How can I get a real passport if I don't technically exist?"

She's so completely serious about all of this people aren't sure if it's an elaborate bit, shitposts like dril, or if someone should call a hospital and get her help. Tim's having too much fun watching it all happen so he strikes a deal with Babs to make sure Bruce never finds out and shuts it down. Babs agrees because it's nice to see Cass interacting with civilians even if it's anonymous and online.

Unfortunately Cass goes a little too locally viral on a discussion thread about Gotham water, insisting that she drank it for two years both during and after No Man's Land and she's fine, so people are clearly exaggerating about the chemicals. Bruce gets wind of it and starts making plans in case the account is run by a new Gotham joker variant but the more he looks at it the more these questions seem familiar...

The next time they're having a family dinner he mutters to Cass: "I still don't think I was the asshole during the Soul fight. You didn't give the full context ."

After this reveal, the rest of the dinner is spent with both of them arguing their case and everyone voting on if Bruce was NTA. Dick, Tim, Duke and Damian vote YTA. Cass and Bruce vote NTA. Dick says Cass was also the asshole for punching him in the face which sets off a whole new round of discourse.

batgirlfan99 deletes her account the following morning, leading to widespread mourning across her frequent subreddits. Cass still thinks it was worth it. She knows the difference between laundry detergent, fabric softener, and fabric conditioner now.

[iregularlyevadetaxes]

as a frequent reddit user I would definitely not say the average user is left leaning. it's also got the most rabid sinophobia of any competing social media site, which has only died down slightly due to the popularity of tiktok right now. I guess if you're judging the site based solely on whether or not people like elon musk you could say it's progressive, but that's like, the logical conclusion to come to about someone as openly obnoxious as elon musk. trump and musk are probably the most easy people to hate regardless of your political convictions.

i'm just saying this because i've seen people claim reddit has turned antifascist and that is very much not the case other than denouncing a guy who LITERALLY DID A NAZI SALUTE...

[suiana]

yandere! loser who's chronically online and thinks that the world is ending because he can't find love. or rather, can't get a lover because wdym he's had a crush on you for five years and is STILL single!!!

bro's the type of guy to complain on reddit about being single and not do anything afterwards even if people give him advice. bro's the type of guy to say he's going to die alone and continue sitting in his room while watching lego building videos. bro's the type of guy that... also stalks you intensely after one single conversation where he thinks you're his one and only.

this guy probably thinks he's tough shit or something but cannot for the life of him, ask you out on a date like a normal person. forget that! he can't even get out of his house!

he lives off of his parents money (thank goodness they're rich) and doesn't work. why? because he says his dream job is to be rich and unemployed (successfully done btw). sooo no, he's probably not gonna be inheriting his father's company and be the hot rich alpha ceo you were dreaming of.

you'll get this weirdly obsessed loser though.

he's the ultimate loser! and in this ultimate loser pack you have gacha addict, fucked up sleep schedule, virgin, 70 different hyperfixations, reddit user, stalker, 4chan user, compsci graduate, have i mentioned stalker? yeah, definitely stalker.

stalking... heh, guess you could say he has a job... that is, if you count stalking and watching over you 24/7. yeah, that's right. the feeling you get that you're being watched even at home? that's him.

sure, he might be jacking off to surveillance footage of you, watching gf/bf asmr and pretending it's you talking to him... oh and also he might've built a mini shrine with things he 'borrowed' from you...

but really, you should just be glad he isn't doing more heinous things. for all you know he could be doxxing or manipulating you to be with him! god, that would be horrific. especially because we all know what 4chan and reddit users can be like.

like he's... weird to say the least. but it could be worse than just obsessed, crazy, and delusional. yeah, so what if he's thinking of scenarios that don't exist? scenarios that involve you, to be specific?

you don't even remember meeting him but he's gone and created a life for the two of you in his head already. for five years, if i must add. like... that's bloody crazy innit?

and he's also british.

yeah so😝

don't worry, he's crazy devoted! some might call him a yearner, others say he needs to be amditted to a hospital. whatever! they just don't understand him.

but you do, don't you? you have to! you're his one and only (one sided)! he's already planned the both of your weddings out, bought you TONS of gifts- you received his presents before right? yeah, those new headphones you wanted? you got it a few weeks back. your college debt? remember how it was mysteriously paid off? yeah, and the fact that you were happy about it must mean that you accept his advances!

yeah! g'luck mate you're going to be called darling REAL soon 🤑 hopefully. jost hope you don't get asked out on a date... he might do a little shanking 😵☝️

[ayukas]

r/UberEATS 21 fate is real

r/UberEATS posted by

u/sakumyaegi・16 hr. ago

i'm dating my uber eats driver!

hi reddit!

a year ago, i made a post asking for advice on whether i was in love with my uber eats driver or if i was just insane and i received tons of responses on it. well, i finally remembered to come back and update… and guess what? turns out, i wasn't as crazy as many of you thought, because i'm now dating said uber eats driver!

it's actually insane looking back at all this. i spent an entire month giggling and kicking my feet every time he delivered to me, convinced i was just a delusional customer with a ridiculous crush. but after making that reddit post, we actually talked for awhile, got to know each other and even went on our first date! >O<

fun fact: while we were talking, he actually made a reddit post about me too, trying to help me out with my problems despite saying he didn’t like me like that (i know who you are finickydriver141.)

we match each other's freak SO hard, we're basically soulmates, and i'm so so so in love with him. to everyone who told me to shoot my shot back then, thank you! and to everyone who said i was insane… my boyfriend loves setting houses on fire…

anyways, tl;dr: i was in love with my uber eats driver, he was secretly (VERY obviously) in love with me too, and now we're disgustingly happy together. fate is real :D

⬆️ 66 ⬇️ 💬 127

u/rainsinheaven・16 hr. ago

its been one year since that post??? omg

u/back2u・16 hr. ago

congrats op!! i remember those two posts lol u guys are so cute

u/finickydriver141・15 hr. ago

i love u so so so much too

u/cooingpenguin・14 hr. ago

i wanna fall in love with a cute uber eats driver too :|

u/jendiggity・10 hr. ago

im not an uber eats driver but im cute dm me

u/rrremmm・13 hr. ago

he was definitely in love with u dude he had a whole ass account on twt dedicated to u

u/sakumyaegi・13 hr. ago

oh?

u/finickydriver141・13 hr. ago

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH U BRUH

u/creativehamster・12 hr. ago

called it from the start I KNEW HE WAS IN LOVE WITH U TOO

u/ynisafreak・10 hr. ago

genuinely cant believe ive been suffering for over a year already

u/yuwushi・10 hr. ago

same

u/ynisafreak・10 hr. ago

stop interacting with me

u/sioningz・9 hr. ago

finally omg. its sion's time to shine

u/jwisung・9 hr. ago

jisung's* time

u/yuwushi・10 hr. ago

the both of u suck. its actually YUSHI'S time

previous / masterlist

notes the 😭 end 😭😭😭 thank u everyone 4 reading my silly little smau and sticking till the end, im so extremely grateful for all the love and support ive received, ur comments and reblogs meant the absolute world to me :') ill cherish this smau forever… please dont forget user sakumyaegi and haejjang everybody… 🥹🤍

taglist @ddolbyong @nmbr1stickerenjoyer @wonpoem @jeonghansshitester @kukkurookkoo @dudekiss3r @https-yeonjun @nahyuckers @slayhaechan @luvvhaechan @chenlezip @ryuvrsie @aerivrs @snoopyjimin @yukisroom97 @snowyseungs @thegracerammy @purezitas @sundamariis @nctrawberries @sehunniepot @holyhaech @belleilichil @cyjzzl @haechology @ant-onie @n0hyuck @axo-l0tl @goquokka @jich3nle @gela0205 @irlrenjun @cinneorolls @kodasity @taroddori @hyuckies18 @hibernatinghamster @renjunniex @haechyuckan @i-lovegood @chan-yeoldelling @lampcults @jae-n0 @jeongintwt @sunghoonsgfreal @injvns @sewergirlfriend @fluermeijisblog @pinklemonade34 @t-102

[greetings-inferiors]

Yes, hi, what's happening to reddit? I usually check some fandom news there but everything is private/blocked now? I have an account and not even that allows me to enter?

Reddit is changing their policy so they every thousand api requests they charge money. This means that third party apps, moderation tools, and other various things just won’t work anymore, since these things rack up thousands of requests very quickly, they’d just be unsustainable to run.

This cost would be average out to a dollar per month per person using third party applications, like an alternative app, text to speech, moderation tools, etc. Reddit has millions and million of users, most of which would be affected.

For example, Apollo for Reddit, a popular third party alternative to the Reddit app (which I used myself, seriously the Reddit app is abysmal) would cost $20MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR TO RUN. Given the app is developed by one guy, that legitimately puts him out of business.

Moderation would get even worse than it already is, as moderation tools use the api to effectively moderate, but now it’s at a cost.

The reason why this change is happening, is because the API can be used to collect data for AI, and, to quote the CEO, “the Reddit corpus of data is really valuable” and he doesn't want to “need to give all of that value to some of the largest companies in the world for free.”

So, once again, AI and capitalism is ruining things for everyone else.

This is a change that is created solely to make money without thinking for a second about the millions of people it would effect. This lead to 7000 of the most popular subreddits blacking out for 48 hours in protest, and I’m pretty sure it crashed the whole site. The voice of the people has definitely been heard, now it’s just time to see if it’s done anything.

Edit: I got something wrong! Thanks to all who corrected me! No thanks to the anon who was an asshole about it lmao

It’s not that Reddit is charging that’s the problem, it’s that it’s charging way too much, is way too short of a deadline to change it, and spez is just an asshole lying about the Apollo dev. Still a shit situation! Just not exactly for the reasons I said. Look into the reblogs for people who know more!!

[loversdelusions]

Sylus Translation error that I CANT FORGIVE

Link to reddit post:

Reading the Sylus translation project by user readsubtextually on reddit and yes, he is characterized differently. I am a little pissed about this.

I have many things to say about the little notes to his character that we miss out on in EN, but the one in Grassland Romance pisses me off so much. I love poetic, old words that go beyond just an emotion and I can't possibly describe my disappointment when seeing this:

In reference to "Do you have a lover?"

and then in reference to "I need to show them I already have a lover."

Reading this has made me feel vindicated. In Chinese, he seems to have a harsher exterior that we don't really get to see in EN, and a furious loyalty that he indicates only belongs to MC. Also, the way he speaks and the words he uses give a different characterisation that I am pissed they didn't do a better job of including. I have seen characters similar to this, and I am a bit confused by some of the choices they made. I really suggest reading this translation I think it makes things make a lot more sense. It certainly cleared up some misunderstandings I had when I first read through the story. I will definitely come back to this every time there is an update.

[humusboii2thereturnoftheking]

Palestine is Ruining the Left

I've taken this from Reddit because I've found it an interesting read, I did not write this myself, a user named u/ u/TooLittleNuance did. Feel free to reply and engage in converation.

I'm an Israeli-American leftist who has been active in American and Israeli politics for a number of years now. I have always advocated for human rights, equity, and self-determination for Palestinians who are oppressed(to different extents) under Israel, a nation that commits itself to Jewish domination of institutions. I always voted and campaigned for progressive Democrats and I assisted with the Israeli Meretz party from abroad. This is why I think the current Palestinian-sympathetic movement is ruining the left:

Abandonment of Pragmatism - Just like the 2020 George Floyd protests("Defund the Police"), the Western left has completely embraced a suicidal strategy of idealistic radicalism. Many of those on the left insist the solution to the conflict is a one-state solution consisting of Palestine "from the River to the Sea". Unfortunately, they've appropriated the Palestinian mythology in their ambitions to magically destroy Israel and the ideology of Zionism by BDS somehow or supporting Palestinian "armed struggle". It doesn't take a lot of thought to see how both of those methods are incredibly ineffective and immoral to advocate for and implement. So, instead of a pragmatic approach, like empowering the Israeli left through donations and advocacy, supporting a reasonable solution(two-state or one-state under Israel), or calling for the ultimate humanitarian end to the war of a unilateral Hamas surrender, the Western left insists on a dream scenario that will never happen. This is the most egregious behavior of the left and it's their most common mistake(i.e. Vietnam). This is due to the fact that Palestinians, especially in Gaza, are suffering under disproportionate Israeli force with no Western movement to realistically end it. In fact, these Western leftists, due to these tactics, are assisting in empowering and legitimizing the far-right of Israel. They are the perfect strawman to turn people off to the left in Israel, which, in turn, results in a lengthened Palestinian suffering.

Maximalism - There's a tendency on the left to outcompete each other in radicalism. It's not catchy or sexy to say "The war tactics that Israel uses are disproportionate and don't consider enough of the humanitarian cost", it has to be "genocide" or "ethnic cleansing" in order to provoke an emotional reaction from uneducated Westerners. It's not "the security policy of Hafradah has resulted in reduced human rights of Palestinians compared to Israelis", it has to be "Apartheid"(with the only legal precedent being South Africa). These maximalist statements immeasurably hurt the movement for true progress on Palestinian human rights. It results in a boy-who-cried-wolf situation: If Israel decides to transfer the entire Gazan population to the Sinai, what is that called? A "genocide"? Due to the present labeling of the war, nobody will believe it. What if Israel permanently transfers or kills 100,000 Palestinian civilians? 200,000? 1 million? What will that be called? How can it get worse than "genocide"? This Maximalist rhetoric is not only inaccurate, but it's incredibly damaging to describe the proportionate extent of Palestinian suffering, which is vital to any movement that faithfully advocates for an upliftment of Palestinian life and identity.

Normalization of Bigotry - Explicit or latent Jew-Hatred is being increasingly embraced by radical sections of the Western left. Tropes such as "Zionist"(a euphemism for "Jew" for many) control of governments or blood libel. Wishing "Death to Zionists" or equating them with Nazis is, in most cases, latent Jew-Hatred. Regardless of your thoughts on the definition of Zionism(there is no definition, it is a meaningless term), it's clear that many believe that "Zionists" are just uppity Jews. Of course, this is genuinely believed by a small portion of the left. However, a substantial part of Western leftists has repeatedly failed to condemn this Jew-Hatred and to stop mirroring the language of these latent or explicit Jew-Haters. This is 1000x worse in the case of Israelis. For Western leftists, it's normal to call Israelis "colonizers", "demons", "rapists", and "child-murderers" on their social media without repercussion or introspective irony. As somebody belonging to the Israeli nationality, I have been desensitized to the insane amount of bigotry from those that I formerly respected. However, many Israelis or Jews aren't as depersonalized as I am, and they definitely take the bigotry to heart. What do you think results from that? Usually, a vote for Likud(Netanyahu's Party) or a donation to AIPAC. Thus, propagating a cycle of bigotry and continuing the suffering of Palestinians.

Propaganda - This war has sparked the largest disinformation campaigns in human history. Multiple state entities (Israel, U.S., Russia, Iran, Qatar) and numerous private entities are pumping out loads of propaganda in order to manipulate uneducated Westerners into supporting their interests. Since October 7th, known Russian disinformation propagator, Jackson Hinkle, has skyrocketed in followers due to his ability to mislead Western leftists on the war. I have seen an unfathomable amount of reposts from Al Jazeera and MiddleEastEye, known Qatari state propaganda and major propagates of misinformation. I have always appreciated the value of institutional skepticism that embodied many of the historical and academic leftist leaders. However, right now, those values are completely thrown out in favor of Russia or Iran's geopolitical advocacy of "everything the West does is bad". The previous three points of behavior are certainly emboldened by the paid disinformation and bots that propagate anti-Western sentiment to destabilize Western democracy. Meanwhile, the basic interests of Palestinian civilians are left unregarded while these state operatives kill their only lifeline.

Reactionary Resurgence - One of the main factors that attracted me to the left was its rejection of reactionary ideology(the establishment of traditional institutions from the past). For Israelis and Palestinians, reactionary rhetoric is normalized and encouraged in many cases. However, this reactionary ideology that has plagued those who share my nationality has spread to Western leftists in their advocacy for Palestine. Western leftists constantly appropriate the far-right and reactionary talking points that many radicalized Palestinians spout. An example would be the insistence on the exclusive indigeneity of Palestine from the River to the Sea, which abandons the progressive values of anti-nationalism and intersectionality. Another example would be the appropriation of Palestinian Martyrdom, in which many of them embraced the idea that human life can be inherently reduced to a political or national cause by their manner of death. This is a clear rejection of the values of individualism, secularism, and anti-nationalism.

Historical Negligence - Those who are even a little bit informed on the Israel-Palestinian Conflict understand that the conflict is too complex to be treated as a soccer match of Israelis vs. Palestinians. Many Israeli and Palestinian leaders set roadblocks to an equitable peace, while many others progressed the conflict to a more positive state. Even more than the historical complexity of this conflict, evaluating the moral complexity requires a graduate degree in a relevant field with hundreds of hours of research. I typically advise not to trust anybody's commentary of the conflict with any less credibility than the previous sentence. However, the Western left has instead decided to follow the historical and moral analysis of demagogues. There's constantly factually wrong or misleading historical information on many of these Palestinian-sympathetic accounts. An example is the map of a "disappearing Palestine" that millions have reposted, a blatantly misleading map meant to depict "Zionist colonization", meanwhile, neglecting the historical borders of the conflict. There are many other forms of historical negligence that they commonly employ that are extremely damaging for understanding the conflict.

In conclusion, Western leftists are keeping up with the Western traditions of white saviorism and interfering with this particular trendy foreign conflict. I could have written a few more grievances that I have of the Western left(including the embracement of far-right Islamist groups) but I wanted to keep the post relatively short. In several months, Western leftists will forget about the Gazans suffering under the disproportional force of the IDF. Nobody will self-criticize the ideas or tactics that they engaged in, meanwhile, the Israeli left-wing and reliable non-Hamas Palestinian advocacy organizations are left in the dust by an ineffective white-savior-esqe Western movement. Not only that but due to all of these factors making the left look like lunatics, Biden and the Democrats are being affected in the polling, which may result in Trump being elected, a terrible outcome for Palestinians.

[dilemmaontwolegs]

Omg! Love your biggest fan!! Are you still updating it? Like, where the world finds out it's them!? Can you imagine the chaos!!🙊

I don't think the world could find out with absolute certainty, there will just be rumours for the rest of their lives. It would be too damaging for their careers, family and probably their relationship too. But...there can be a little chaos.

Your Biggest Fan {3} || LN4

Warnings: 18+ only, nsfw, smut, anal, angst WC: 2.4k One || Two || SMAU || Three

The Matriarch: We need to talk. Bring Lando.

The text left you cold inside and it was quickly followed with a dinner reservation at the yacht club. It had been two weeks since you deleted the Only Fans account. You had panicked when a picture of some unknown sub-reddit user showed up on your FYP, tagging Lando in it first and then you. You hadn't thought about how deleting it would come across to the people who had seen it.

"Relax, our faces were never seen," Lando assured you as he read the text message from your mother. "It's just, what's that word lawyers use?”

"Objection?"

"No," he snorted. "Heresy, herosy...hearsay, that's the one. The rumours will blow over, they always do.”

“Except these aren’t rumours, that was actually us.” You paced the room until he grew dizzy watching you and caught you around the waist, pulling you onto the couch with him. You squeaked as you fell back but his strong hands steadied you into his lap, and his beard tickled your neck.

“You’re stressing and I know just how to get you to relax.” The gravel in his voice and the hard length pressing against your ass had you wriggling closer and you leaned back so he could reach your lips. 

“Come on then, big boy,” you murmured against his lips as you dragged his hands down your body and between your thighs. “Show me what these magic hands can do.”

He chuckled darkly in your ear and ran his fingers over the seam of your jeans, pressing the material over your clit. “My fingers, my tongue, my dick. It’s all magic, babygirl.”

You used Lando as an escape, the orgasms he gave you freeing you from the compulsive thoughts that plagued you. He grounded you when he swept you off your feet, hooking them around his waist as he ground into you against the hallway wall. Impatient for more than just your kiss, he dropped to his knees and dragged your jeans down your legs. By the time you made it to the bed your legs were trembling and Lando’s chin glistened with the evidence of your orgasm. 

“Still stressing, love?” he teased as he pushed your knees back to your chest and paused a moment just to feast on the sight of your pussy begging for him. 

“Like you would not believe,” you giggled, “but you’re getting there.”

He curled two fingers into your cunt and pumped them a few times until they were coated in your juices. “I think this will definitely take your mind off things,” he rasped as he teased your ring, gently probing you one finger at a time. “You gonna be a good girl for daddy?”

“Mhmmm,” you moaned as your tight muscle relaxed around his thick fingers. “Fuck that feels so good.”

“Just you wait,” he chuckled before reaching into the bedside drawer. The squirt of the bottle made you jump and the cold lube ran down your slit and over your ass, making you shiver at the change in temperature. “I’ll warm you up, babygirl.”

Lando ran his cock through the gel, his shaft teasing your folds until the tip rolled over your clit and you moaned at the sensation. “Haven’t even put it in you yet.”

You were going to tell him to hurry up when he pulled back and lined himself up with your ass. Slow, shallow rocks of his hips pushed the head against you, the swollen tip slowly spreading you more with each little thrust and you sighed at the heavenly throb beating in your core.

“More,” you begged as the thickest part of him pushed through the resistance and he froze. 

“I don’t want to hurt you, babygirl, just take it slow. I’m still going to fuck you real good.”

His thumb circled your clit as he kept easing himself deeper, pulling back slightly before driving forward. Your breath lodged in your throat when your bodies met, his hips hitting your ass, and his fingers gripped your thighs tight enough to leave bruises while he bit his lip.

“Fuck, you’re so tight. Feel fucking amazing,” he moaned. 

Your eyes fluttered shut at the fullness of having him seated inside you but they quickly opened as he retreated from you almost completely before pumping his hips forward. “Holy fuck,” you cried as he dragged his cock along your tight walls, the sensation unlike anything your toys had given you. It was pure pleasure. “Harder, daddy, I can take it, please.”

“Fuck,” he groaned as he couldn’t think clearly enough to remember to be gentle. He had the same need you did and he was happy to give you everything you asked for. “Take it, babygirl, you take my cock so well. Look at it stretching your hole, feels good, don’t it?”

You could only moan incoherent answers as liquid fire ignited on your skin, a feverish flush spreading from curled toes to ears that were ringing. Your eyes rolled back into your head as the pressure grew and Lando grunted as your walls tightened even more. You didn’t think you could peak any higher until two fingers curled into your cunt and found your g-spot too.

A scream tore from your throat as your body arched up beyond your control. You were a puppet and he was the puppetmaster playing with you. 

“Keep coming, keep coming,” Lando growled as his brows pinched together in concentration. “Want to feel you rain all over me, babygirl.”

His wrist worked his fingers over the magic spot and your cries fell silent as your mind shut down. The lightning that splintered your vision short circuited your brain and your breath shuddered with each spurt that gushed from your cunt.

“Beautiful,” he whispered as he surrendered himself to his own release, filling your ass with his cream. “So fucking beautiful.”

Lando drove his McLaren to the yacht club that even he couldn’t get a membership for. Even in Monaco his McLaren stood out among the supercars but in the valet parking at the club it was just like every other car there. He hadn’t quite grasped exactly what being an heiress meant until that moment. It was one thing for him to never worry about affording a spontaneous holiday to a luxury island but he was just starting to realise your parents likely just bought the island.

For once, he felt a little out of place. He wished he could grab his hoodie from the car but there was a strict dress policy so he had donned a suit he usually saved for awards or galas.

"Did we drop you on your head, young lady?" your mother said the second you stepped into the private dining room, a ringed finger pointing to the two empty seats. "Only Fans, really?"

"I don't know what you are talking about," you lied as you sat down, Lando pushing your chair in before taking his seat. "You shouldn't believe the rumours."

"You think I don't know what your birthmark looks like? I gave birth to you." She turned her glare to Lando. "And you, how dare you put my daughter in that position."

He bit his lip and glanced down while you had to hide your laugh behind your hand. "Which position was that, mother? There has been quite a few."

She pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned. "I should have sent you to Saint Katherine's Boarding School when I had the chance."

"Probably, but just imagine what trouble I could have had with a priest." You laughed as Lando pinched your thigh under the table. Reaching over to his thigh, you traced the inside seam of his trousers higher until he snapped his legs together and your hand was pinned between them.

"Enough, your little rebellious streak is over. You've had your fun but you need to stop now," she snapped. "Your father wants you in Switzerland where he can keep an eye on you."

"I'm not a kid anymore, you can't tell me what to do."

"I can if you want to keep a roof over your head, or have you suddenly got a job to cover your expenses for life in the real world?" You shrugged nonchalantly while Lando took a sip of his drink, but she continued. "Or will your boyfriend be happy to let you drain his bank accounts?"

Lando placed his water back on the table and draped his arm over the back of your chair, his fingers teasing the bare skin in your shoulder. He had been tempted to keep you tied to his bed when he saw the gown you wore, you had looked absolutely divine he wanted to drown in you. "I'm happy to provide for her," he admitted honestly. “It would bring me great pleasure.”

“You don’t need to do that,” you grinned wickedly at his double entendre. “I’m sure my face, or at least my last name, could make enough on Only Fans to cover our bills.”

Your mother’s face dropped and she fidgeted with the delicate gold chain your father bought her. “Is that a threat?”

“I don’t know. You kind of started that anyway,” you shrugged. “How did you find out anyway?”

“It is our business to know what is happening in this family, in case of damage control. When those photos came across my desk…I have never felt so embarrassed.”

You cringed at the idea of her seeing even the most tame stills that could have possibly been taken and you covered your heated face in your hands. “Tell me about it.”

“Good, at least you can feel some kind of remorse. That gives me hope you’re not completely ruined beyond repair.”

You rolled your eyes as that ‘remorse’ quickly evaporated. If only she knew how ruined you were only hours ago when Lando was buried balls deep in your ass. You should have recorded it for all time's sake. “I guess I am fixable, yippy, so can we go now?”

“No,” she said as she reached under the table and pulled out a stack of documents. “I need you to sign these.”

You took the papers and saw it was an amendment to your trust fund. “What’s this?”

“That is your future and it is for you to decide what you do with it.” She took a sip of her favourite Bordeaux wine before continuing, the same tactics she used to fill you with dread when you were growing up. “Sign the documents and your trust fund and inheritance remain yours, but-”

“Here we go, stipulations,” you groaned. “Go on, what are they now?”

“Three rules. One, if a single new nude photo comes across my desk, then this gets burned. You will have nothing. Do you understand that? The clubs, the cars, the plane, the yacht, the apartment. Gone.”

You sighed and gave her a small nod as you reached into your handbag for a pen. “Yes, mother.”

“Two. No nude videos, private or otherwise. No streaming on Only Fans or any other porn site.” 

You didn’t correct her on the fact it wasn’t strictly a porn site. That probably wouldn’t go down very well so you kept your lips shut and nodded as you opened the cap off your fountain pen.

“I understand, no fun on camera.”

“This isn’t a joke,” she sniped.

“I know, I was serious,” you huffed as you reached for the dotted line. 

The nib rested on the thick paper, the cerulean ink staining the fibres as you started to sign your life away. “Three. You end this relationship now.”

The cursive lettering shot off the page as you tore your hand back. “No.”

“It is non-negotiable.”

You snapped the cap back on and shoved the pen in your bag. “Exactly, I am not signing that.”

“Don’t throw your life away for a boy, especially one that wants to treat you so…revoltingly. You are degrading yourself, honey.”

Lando’s hand had slipped away from your shoulders and you caught it before he could bury it in his pockets. “Don’t listen to her, I don’t.”

“And look where you are, hmm.”

“I could agree to everything else, but not that. I love him more than the clubs, the cars, the plane, more than anything you can offer me.” You rose from the table with your handbag, throwing a handful of cash on the table knowing it would piss her off. She loved to flash her unlimited black card.

Lacing your fingers with Lando’s, you smiled at him before sparing one last look at your mother’s pained face. “Just so you know, it wasn’t his idea. I was degrading myself way before he subscribed to my channel.”

“Is that supposed to endear me to him? Knowing that you were acting like a whore and he still decided to date you.”

“That’s enough. You don’t talk to her that way, it doesn’t matter how you are related,” Lando snapped as he tucked you into his side. “Come on, love, let’s go home. I’ll take care of you.”

“Here, you can keep it all.” You plucked your keyring out of the bag as you passed your mother’s seat where she remained frozen. She made no move to take the key to the apartment and the car that had been bought with your trust fund so you placed it on the empty setting where your father should have been. “Maybe one day I can lose the family name too.”

Lando grinned at the idea of replacing it with his. “How does Norris sound?”

You tested the name on your tongue as if you hadn’t already imagined spending the rest of your lives together. He was your forever person, you had known that for a long while. With a skip in your step you left the private dining room and all but raced out of the club. You tugged your hair out of the styled updo before tugging Lando’s tie off and capturing his lips while you waited for his car to arrive.

You were breathless and needy when you finally broke apart, the valet drivers looking away with pink cheeks. “Y/N Norris,” you hummed as you unbuttoned his top three buttons and bared some of his tanned chest. “I like it, big boy.”

His head dipped close to your ear as he growled quietly. “You have no idea what this is doing to me right now. I would very much like to bend you over the hood of my car and fuck you when you say that.”

“What? Big boy?” you teased, giggling when he shook his head. “I love you, perv.”

“Love you too, babygirl.” He took his car key from the man who had climbed out and slapped your ass with a grin. “Now get in the car before I get us arrested.”