#dedicated to my Muh

[doubtingdebispoems]

My Muh

My Muh was always honest with meWanted my eyes open to believeThe world wasn’t meant for those like meBraver than most men, my eyes openMy Muh said, that she had been hopin’For a strong daughter who would stand upTo the men and systems so corruptFor me to call everyone outAbout the lies that they would shoutLoud enough to drown all the truthAbout the women still in their youthWell, I grew up a…

[hedgehog-moss]

I decided to dedicate a post to Mama Pampy! Who rarely gets the spotlight on this blog, because well-behaved llamas seldom make history... I mentioned yesterday that she's the matriarch of her little herd (for new followers: Pampelune aka Pampy is Pampe's mother and Poldine's grandma), but I didn't really go into what that entails. It means she's a precious help to me when it comes to curbing Pampe's fight for freedom, because she has the authority to call the other llamas back when they wander too far away from her.

(Note that this didn't apply when Pampe was a teenager. Teen!Pampe obeyed her mother rarely and/or accidentally and thought nothing of wandering away all on her own. But ever since becoming an adult and having her own baby, she's slowly started paying more attention to Pampy's alarm sounds and other commands. She grudgingly accepted the bare minimum amount of responsibility required to keep her child alive.)

If the other two llamas wander off and Pampelune is able to follow, she'll follow in order to keep an eye on them; but conversely if you make sure Pampy can't follow, then the others won't stray too far. So I can let the llamas out to trim the grass around my house without haltering Pampe or Poldine; I just have to keep Pampy close to me. To no one's surprise, she keeps her eye on 1 llama in particular—

If her daughter wanders too far, Pampy will utter a firm "muh!" and Pampe will reluctantly return. (It's more of a "moo", really, but since llama and cow languages are clearly not in the same family and probably don't have mutual intelligibility, I'll use different spellings so it's not confusing.)

Pampelune knows who is and isn't part of her herd. The hens are outside of her jurisdiction but Pirlouit is not—she doesn't talk to him, because he never muhs back, but she does spit on him sometimes which means he is an honourary llama to her (a dubious honour, if you ask Pirlouit) and she also quietly checks on him, especially when she's out of the pasture while he is stuck on the other side of the fence, alone.

I hope this foray into llama herd dynamics isn't too boring; I'll add that I can't let Pirlouit free roam along with the llamas because he would follow Pampe if she starts wandering off, and Pampe loves having Followers. It immediately goes to her head and she'll often stop listening to her mum and trot away if she's managed to recruit disciples (that's also why Pandolf is not in these pictures. He's locked in the kitchen because he would not only follow Pampe but heartily encourage her to go somewhere. Pan is a rule-follower but within the realm of reason, i.e. if going for a walk is wrong then he doesn't want to be right.)

Poldine following Pampe isn't a problem though, because she is very respectful of her grandma's authority, so if anything she's a good influence on Pampe. At some point she wandered a bit too far while grazing and a stern "muh!" was heard, and she immediately came back and stood at attention behind her chief.

Her attitude with regards to her grandma / matriarch reminds me of this kid:

It's not all work for Pampy, she does get to eat too, but always with one ear angled in the general direction of Pampérigouste.

Meanwhile I read and have a glass of apéritif—llama outings usually happen in the evening as an extra precaution (you can never be too prudent when you let Pampe free roam)—the llamas don't like being out of their pasture at night, so they'll go home without a fuss when it starts to get dark.

Sorry for the poor quality, this is extra zoomed in, but I just realised I managed to capture one of our elusive cow neighbours in this one photo!

One of the few advantages of an abnormally warm autumn is that the herds are still out... You can hear the clarines (cow bells) in the distance, it's such a peaceful sound. Besides the bells, evening bird calls and Pampy's disciplinary muhs, the only other sound is the occasional heart-wrenching braying from Pirlouit. Stuck in the pasture all alone. Deprived of grass, empty of hope, unloved. (He gets to go out for frequent donkey-only outings but that doesn't make the present unfairness of his situation sting any less apparently)

Bringing everyone home when my apéritif is finished is quite easy, all I have to do is offer some muesli to Pampy. No matter where she is, Pampe's head will spring up, indignant.

Pampelune isn't even really into muesli, she prefers fresh fruit peelings, but Pampe won't take any risks.

(Pampe's nose is all scratched because she got very annoyed with flies last month and kept rubbing her face on things to remove them... Thankfully now that the nights are colder, she's finally rid of them!)

Once Pampe is back in the pasture I can let Pandolf out! He'll run a few circles around Poldine then escort her back home, not that she wouldn't follow the other llamas without any prompting, but you've got to let Pan be a sheepdog sometimes, he's so happy to contribute. Sometimes I even let Pirlouit out so that Pan can immediately bring him back in. Once all four animals are in the pasture he'll turn to me like "Everyone's home safely! Just before night! Thanks to me, Pandolf" and I'll make amazed noises at his excellent herding.

[dansconcepts]

Everything's Coming Up Hajime

The following drabbles (they're little scenes of different things with some more detailed than others because a fic was too ambitious for me :'>>>) completely and wholly inspired by and dedicated to @gliittergelpens for their headcanon post on Hajime (found here) and also the connected follow up interaction here. Go check 'em out :D! And I hope you enjoy this :).

Bleary lights. Bright. Dreary. 

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.

NO!

Bolt, bolted, he can’t move, why can’t he move? Everything’s not okay, why is he here again? Where are they? Get to the corner, get to the corner, he can’t move he can’t move!- (why is he prolonging the inevitable? He hasn’t done that in so long)

Pressure starts compounding on his chest. He shakes. He doesn’t want to go again, it’s going to be another round of tests again, he didn’t know he agreed to this! Let go, let go, let GO!

“Hajime.”

They never call him that. He is the subject, their project, the plaything to rip apart because he is nothing more than an experiment. He is not a person. He is not Hajime.

“Hajime.” They repeat. “It’s Makoto.”

Makoto?

He doesn’t recognize-

Makoto Naegi.

He blinks. His body slumps. As if his body was lead, his head slowly turns toward the source.

“Makoto Naegi” was never one of the researcher’s names. He knows, because he remembered each and every one, even if he didn’t want to. No, Makoto Naegi is someone else entirely, someone who isn’t associated with the Project. 

Sage-coloured irises meet his gaze first. They are warmer than any of the researchers’ eyes. 

…He isn’t in a lab, is he?

“Muh-” He winces. His voice sounds terrible. 

“Hey, drink up.” Makoto commands, not unkindly. “I know you’ve been in there for a while, but try your best.”

A glass of water is held to his lips and once they hit, his lips burn, but he downs it gratefully anyway. His throat protests in agony.

“Do you know where you are and what happened, Hajime?” 

Hajime stretches, pops coming from all his atrophied joints. “W-we- ugh, Jabberwock Island. K-cough-illing game.” The Killing Game. At the reminder, adrenaline starts coursing through him, and he immediately lurches out of the pod.

Makoto gently pushes him back.

“Yes. The other survivors are awake, but they do not hold the memories you do.”

“W-what about everyone else? What happened to them?”

“They’re still in the pods.” He tries jumping out again. “BUT!” Makoto blurts out. “BUT they’re okay. They’re not in the killing game right now. They seem to have created their own worlds-”

“What can I do to wake them up?” He quickly interrupts. 

“Oh, um, I was going to get to that part.” A small smile stretches on his face. “I knew you’d want to help. I would’ve been the same.” 

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

Darkness. 

He feels so tired.

He hasn’t felt this tired in… so long. Everything… is so tiring.

Lights threaten to blind him. 

No. 

Let him sleep.

Let him sleep…

“Hey, Nagito... it’s Hajime.” 

He stirs. Hajime?

He looks at the tanned skin, eyeing the scars on the undersides of his eyes, further littered over his arms, and then tracing back to his equally scarred lips, that were currently sipping on a cup in his hands.

“Ha-jime.” He croaks. Wordlessly, Hajime provides him some water. With weak hands, he reaches out toward the cup, and manages to squeeze enough of a firm grasp on it. Hajime continues sipping while he slowly gulps down the offered water. 

“Ahem,” He coughs. “Hinata, my apologies. …What happened?”

“You’re one of the last few to wake up, Komaeda.” Hajime replies, and notably, provides no context. “What do you remember?”

The question sparks his silence. His mouth purses into a deeply thin line. He eyes the man in front of him. Is there something he must have forgotten? “...Nothing particularly pleasant.” He decides on.

Hajime scrutinizes him. He stays quiet. Hajime slumps over with a sigh. “Okay, fair enough. Your pod opened, but you wouldn’t wake up. You’re in the hospital now.”

He looks around. Yes, he gathered that. The white walls and bright fluorescent lighting weren't foreign to him, he would recognize such a place no matter where he was. He could voice that, but there are more pressing concerns.

“I’m afraid I still don’t understand. How did I get here?”

“We went through a rehabilitation program.”

“Ah.” The memories are hitting him now. “Yes, sorry, I do remember us Remnants being captured for such a thing, although I don't remember much else.” He hums, looking the other up and down. “It worked, then?”

“That depends. How do you feel? About, you know, hope and despair and all that.”

“Well,” He chuckles, “if you’re worried I’m going to blow up this hospital in the pursuit of ‘a greater hope’, you would be greatly mistaken.”

Hajime breathes out a sigh of relief. “But I imagine my luck could affect that greatly. It's very fortunate you could balance it out.” The other gazes away from him, looking down in thought. How curious. Was it something he said?

He subtly tilts his head. The brunet covertly glances around, as if he was watching for something. Piercing eyes returns to meet his. “You can't get up to any crazy shit just because I can do that.” The other jokingly chastises, but his eyes remained guarded.

He nods with an smile. “Oh, I would never.” To anyone, it would simply be him teasing. However, he can tell Hajime's trying to hide something about his talents, and someone here is watching them. He wonders who would cause such paranoia.

Hajime fills him in on what occurred, being saved by the "Future Foundation" (oh, it's them.) and particularly specific members (Makoto! As in Makoto Naegi, The Ultimate Hope Makoto? Yes Komaeda, just keep it in your pants.), as well as explaining Nagito’s status, his mental and physical state (still affected by his pre-existing conditions, albeit less so), and the new addition to his body.

He turns it. He didn't even notice he had a new arm. It feels seamless, although the metal is strange to feel underneath his fingertips.

“I had to replace it.” Hajime explains. “The dead tissue was threatening to spread to the rest of your body if it was kept there. It was fine when we were hooked up to the pods since that was preserving it, but since you went into a coma, we had to act fast.”

“Hmm.” He curls his newfound metallic fingers. He sends him a smile. “It seems I owe a lot of my gratitude to you, Hinata, for helping trash like me.”

There's a pause. “We'll work on that,” is the response Hajime settles with. “...Do you want to meet everyone else?”

He freezes. Everyone else?

Although he doesn't know why, he feels himself pale completely and his body shivers. Everything in him feels cold, as if the temperature dropped, as if his whole body rejected the very idea of something he was otherwise only semi-wary about. He knows he had many reasons before to feel apprehensive around his former classmates, given his past transgressions during his time as a Remnant and theirs, but this feels... bone-chilling. Buried deep within his psyche, perhaps connected to the memories he doesn't have.

“What happened in the program.” He bluntly states, rather than asks.

“No one else remembers too, if that helps.” Hajime starts. It doesn't. “Even I barely remember it. Everyone has felt snippets though, things they avoid subconsciously, or they experience nightmares about it.” He wonders if Hajime has nightmares. He wonders what Hajime avoids. “It was broadcast-”

“I want to watch it.”

Hajime's jaw tightens. “It wasn't that type of broadcast. It wasn't recorded, it was just shown to Makoto and the other survivors. Besides, it's best you don't anyway. You're going to remember something about it.”

“How cynical. What if all I remember are pleasant things?” Nagito inquires, even if he knows the likelihood of that is so astronomically low. He is aware of himself. He knows being put into a situation like the Killing Game would just mean he'd have made very elaborate plans and schemes. Thinking that, a sharp pain in his abdomen sears through him, and he winces. It's a whisper of a feeling, but it felt... real.

Hajime merely lets out a defeated sigh. “I hope it is, Komaeda, I hope it is.”

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

Throughout everything, this was the last thing he thought about. 

The scars. 

For the longest time, he forgot about the scars. For the briefest of moments, his complexion wasn’t completely covered by raised bumps, of angry red tissue, of the careless abandon from scientists who dissected him to fit their molds of perfection. 

And now he’s left looking into the mirror, tracing. His fingers feel the ridges. He remembers the scalpel digging into his eye, even if he didn’t feel the pain of it. He looks at the angry lines along his muscles, his thighs, and he knows with certainty it can be traced down to his feet, the bathroom counter being the only reason he can’t see the reflection of it. He remembers exactly what they forcibly fused together, being haunted by the ghosts of the sutures that were once there.

This is who he sees looking back at him.

…Mikan cleans the glass away from his fist.

[He could’ve done it himself, but it would’ve been a messier job, much like with anything else he would try nowadays.]

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

Hajime is out training with Nekomaru, alongside Akane, and casually working out with them.

Nekomaru points out the bandages that suddenly replace his glove, and he waves them off. “Just an accident.” 

After a decent workout, he starts heading back to his cabin to shower when he spots Fuyuhiko to the side, relaxing against a wall.

“Hey.” He greets.  

“Yo.” The former yakuza head nods.

They watch those on the beach, a tall orange blurb chases after a red one, their laughter filling the air as suddenly they're jumped by an even louder multicoloured blurb cackling with mischief. He can hear Hiyoko's distant cursing while Mikan rushes over, fretting. He snorts.

Fuyuhiko crosses his arms, a smile on his face at the scene. “Can’t believe we get to have this.” 

“I know.” He agrees. He’d do anything to ensure everyone here stayed happy like this. Speaking of, he has to make sure to check on the next shipment of supplies afterward. He refuses to have those Future Foundation workers anywhere near the Island otherwise. But first, shower.

He's about to leave when-

“What’s with the bandages?” The former yakuza asks.

He contemplates lying. The last thing he wants is for everyone to start worrying about him. As if aware of his thoughts, Fuyuhiko sends him a particularly scathing glare, menacing even with the eyepatch. He fesses up immediately. 

“I punched a mirror.”

“Why?”

“My scars-” He starts. 

Fuyuhiko quickly interjects. “There’s nothing wrong with them.”

“Part of me understands that, but I look at them and just see…” Hope's Peak. The Hope Cultivation Project. The Remnants of Despair. He squeezes his bandaged hand. “...bad memories.”

“Yeah, I feel that.” Almost subconsciously, Hajime glances at Fuyuhiko’s scar, hidden behind black cloth. Fuyuhiko meets his gaze, unflinching. “I hate thinking about having that bitch’s eye in me.”

“How do you do it?” How do you look at yourself in the mirror? How do you live with yourself? How do you not hate yourself? 

“Being a former yakuza, scars were symbols of respect. This scar?” He gestures to it. “It’s a reminder I’m not some psychotic fuck anymore under that bitch’s heel.

I know I’m not you, Hajime. I don’t have the amount you have. But know that your scars show that you’ve survived, and you’ve made it out the other side. That’s admirable.

And ain’t nobody here went through the type of shit you did. We all look up to you. You’ve had this whole thing on your shoulders. Nobody thinks you’re damaged goods with those scars. Hell, we think of them as a reminder that you’re the strongest out of all of us.” 

“...Thanks, Fuyuhiko.”

“No problem. Now you should go take a shower, you smell like shit.”

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

Hajime waits in front of the screen. In no time, Chiaki's grinning face pops up. “Hey Hajime. It's nice to see you. How're you doing today?”

They talk amicably. Even though she wasn't his former friend, the reminder of her AI was comforting, and in the few pleasant dreams he had, he remembered her presence (and in the worser ones, he remembered her death).

“-There's a call for you by the way, I think. It's from Makoto.” He nods. “Thanks Chiaki.”

She patches him through, and he finds it so striking the difference between now and the tentativeness from the beginning, back when they were still establishing Jabberwock Island. Signal seemed daunting, and they (him, Makoto, and Byakuya) were still trying to get Chiaki's AI booted back up. He remembers when they first suggested she try to call the Future Foundation (particularly Aoi, since Hajime refused to have the new Future Foundation head or some random member appear on the screen, since he'd contemplate breaking the nice monitor in half from sheer rage). “It's not what I’m programmed to do,” Chiaki had said, “but… I can try.”

Of course, Makoto and himself exchange pleasantries and talk for a bit, but then it derails into... less pleasant topics. “I'm hoping to finish up the layout for Hope's Peak.”

He tightens a hand over his glove, pursing his lips. “Makoto. I’m glad you want to reclaim yourself, but Hope’s Peak? Really?” He hisses, and Makoto sighs, as if they had this same argument over and over again. 

They have, by the way. Relentlessly. He is NOT getting over this, not by a long shot. He already knows how much Makoto invested into the project, but he’s still of the very firm belief he should’ve invested zero. Of course, he wouldn’t taint their rare ability to chat with one another about it, but he isn’t above reminding Makoto if he brings it up, just to be petty.

But being TRAUMATIZED WATCHING YOUR FRIENDS GET MURDERED is one of the many valid reasons for having absolutely NO interest in seeing the place that tortured him, everyone he cares about, Makoto, everyone Makoto cares about, and basically THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD, come back to existence. 

He loves Makoto, he does, and he knows Makoto’s a good guy, but… 

The idea of Hope’s Peak not being some fucked up breeding ground for hope and despair? It doesn’t seem possible. Part of the problem in the first place was the idea of pitting students against each other, forcibly defining people's significance based on whether they had “talent” or not. As well, they really sucked at developing talented people's talent, giving arbitrary assignments (from what he heard) and no actual practicality applied. He would know. His body is literally littered with their failure.

And the Future Foundation providing a substantial amount of the funds for this project? Hajime has no doubt in his mind that there’s something underlying their generosity. 

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

It's looking to be another sleepless night, despite the weight under his eyes begging for relief. Hajime just stares at the ceiling. He feels the body beside him shift the bed, creaking it ever so slightly, and in his peripherals Nagito faces him. Nagito has always been a bit of a restless sleeper (not that he blames him), so he isn't surprised to hear him ask, “What’s on your mind, Hajime?”

He sighs. “I’m just worried about the whole Hope's Peak idea.”

“You don’t believe in Makoto?”

He quickly flips onto his side to frown at Komaeda for the sheer idea. “I believe in him, I don’t believe in anyone else.”

“Well, I can’t help but feel a little hurt…”

“You know how I feel about you.”

Nagito hums. “Do I?” He smirks. “How do you feel, Hajime?” 

Why is he turned this way again? He flips back around, ignoring the way his ears start to warm up.

“...Shut up and go to sleep already.” 

He hears Nagito chuckle behind his back. It settles eventually though. Ah, Nagito finally went to bed.

“You know,” Nagito's voice pipes up, still awake after all. His voice sounds a little whimsical, as if nearly about to sleep. “I don't necessarily disagree with you. I thought it was a place of great hope, and the fact it's being run by the Ultimate Hope is quite amazing. But...

There's you. And the hope in you has been shining so brightly this whole time.”

He freezes. Did he just-?

The words spark something in him. As if they sounded familiar.

He gets a rush that tea- nor even caffeine back when it did anything for him- has never achieved. When he eventually does sleep that night, his dreams are pleasant.

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

It's one of those rare instances Makoto lands on Jabberwock Island and can say hi to everyone. They meet at the small restaurant on the Island where Hajime prepares some tea for himself. He offers it to Makoto, who takes it gratefully.

Much like their video chats, the start talking about what's currently going on when Makoto- once again- mentions Hope's Peak.

Hajime lowers his cup.

“I'm going to be reinstating talents at Hope’s Peak.”

His fingers clutch his glove. He digs them in, sharp and quick, his lips immediately pulling down into a frown.

“Did… someone force you to do this?”

“Uh, no?” Makoto averts his gaze. “I’ve consulted with basically everyone since you’ve started getting me a little paranoid…”

“You should be. The Future Foundation doesn’t deserve you. You’re way too good for them.”

“They're trying to change.” Makoto states, with not much conviction.

Hajime hums skeptically. Sure they are. “Just watch out for yourself, yeah? Because the first thing I’ll do is leave this island just to kick their asses. I don’t need an Ultimate to make them into ragdolls.”

Makoto chuckles, rubbing his neck sheepishly. “...You must’ve practiced that.”

“Being around Fuyuhiko and Akane tends to give you some badass lines.”

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

It starts like a regular day. Things break, people fight, problems arise, he deals with it. When he sees the broadcast, he doesn't know how to deal with it.

“Oh, Makoto's on TV. How exciting.” Nagito mentions offhandedly, as if it was something as casual as the weather. It decidedly is NOT. Is Makoto okay? Why would he be broadcasted? Is this another...?

“-ing Hope's Peak,” He catches the tail end of. “In this world, there's nothing more important than banding together to fix the Tragedy that occurred. Rejoice with me as your new headmaster. Alongside the Future Foundation, we'll bring forth a new hope together!” Hajime cringes, and cringes hard. This doesn't sound like Makoto at all. The Future Foundation logo is the last image of this blatant ad, what the fuck, but he's seen enough.

He knows exactly how to deal with this.

He strolls into the new Future Foundation headquarters (although that may be underselling it). Instantly, upon seeing him, people start shrieking and running. Red lights blink in and out. He brushes it off. It’s the last of his damn worries right now.

He's rushed by armoured guys. He suddenly feels like he should've thought this through, but he continues on. He slips himself into the old Remnant persona like an ill-fitting jacket, paired with a little Ultimate Actor prowess. “Let me through or I'll make sure your families have nothing to put into a casket.” Okay, not his best work, but it's enough for them to back off. They watch him. He even hears one guy cowering in fear from behind. It's that which allows him to catch the guy's arm and dislocate it. Everyone jumps at the sudden violence, and the guy screeches.

He knows it's fixable, but he still feels bad. The mask he wears threatens to slip, but he keeps going until he gets to the new Future Foundation head. (Hajime met her before through a forced video call, with them threatening to interfere at Jabberwock Island if he wasn't capable enough. “I am Sumiko Hatanaka,” they introduced themselves. “Ultimate Administrator. Given the circumstances the Future Foundation is currently in, I have become appointed as the temporary replacement head provided my previous experience and commitment to my work.”)

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing.” He sneers.

“How are you here?” She asks. “What are you doing here?”

“That wasn’t my question.” 

He sees a sheen of nervousness across their forehead, but they don't let up their frown.

“Why are you here, Hajime Hinata, Remnant of Despair?” 

Why is he here? Why is he HERE?

“What gave you the right to use Makoto for some ad for Hope's Peak? What the hell are you doing, exposing him further to the public? Do you know what this could do to him?”

“I assure you, I have no vested interest in letting a valued employee be defaced in any way, shape, or form. His mental faculties are highly important to this company. Meanwhile, you are jeopardizing the very people you wished to protect by coming here. Was it worth it?”

He growls, “Leave Makoto the fuck alone, or I’ll remind you why I was a Remnant.”

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

Makoto’s Hope’s Peak is in full operation. He doesn't know if he'll ever visit. So instead, Hajime is left pondering the future, and living on the Island with the rest of his classmates.

He genuinely hopes nothing bad will happen, but...

He wouldn't bet that it won't.

[intellectual6666]

Congratulations, your hardwork and dedication have paid off my sweet angel

Here are sweets and a beautiful bouquet for you 💗, really such a great day to celebrate 💐🥂🥳🌷 love you

Thank you so much didi 😭😭😭

Aaj bohot khush hu, aur meri khushi mein aap khush ho toh aur bhi accha lag raha hai, you're really the sweetest soul ever 😭🫂

Aap logon ki ashirvad ki wajah se result accha hua hai <3

Aap bhi muh meetha kar lijiye 🎀🫂

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Greetings everyone! It is 4am and you know what that means. Thats right, its time to read ACOMAF :) chapters 41 this time. enjoy

Chapter 41

What we're just smashcutting straight to Velaris?? we're not gonna see Feyre talk about all the shit the mortal queens just said with her sisters??

ugh dont remind me of the fact that amren drinks blood but only animal blood because human blood is too watery or whatever. she couldve been my vampire girlie in this a/b/o world but instead shes just a lame disappointment in a lame disappointment world. that also doubles as an a/b/o world, lest we forget that

ughhhhh dont remind me of the fae not being affected by iron

Okay, i have to admit this line kinda slaps: "Maybe then Elain would get an engagement ring that wasn't forged out of hatred and fear."

Yeah Feyre, I hate to say it but you failed HARD as an ambassador, you are so bad at politics, but technically this was all Rhysands idea so I'd say it was his responsibility to make sure youre not bad at politics, so Im blaming him for all this

I made a joke in my last post about how the night court is really US governmentcore and now Cassian is like "we could just kill the current queens and put queens in place thatll cooperate with us" and the only reason Rhys doesnt wanna do it is because it would take too long and because they dont know what effect this will have on the book, not because, i dont know, he'd be interfering with foreign affairs and robbing all of humanity of their agency. I mean, its a monarchy so i guess humanity didnt have too much of a choice when they ascended to the throne, but atleast those queens have their best interests at heart and dont cooperate with former slave-owners

Why does Feyre care so muh about Mor potentially hurting Azriels feelings, is he not acting like Tamlin at the start of ACOMAF where he was all like "no Feyre, you cant go to the sper dangerous place, its dangerous"

Okay so, the oldest queen is the queen of The Black Land, which is a very vaguely africa-coded place, where humans were born slaves to the fae, unlike everyone else where I guess humans had to get captured by the fae to be enslaved OBVIOUSLY she doesnt wanna cooperate with fae, shes even more justified in her decision in my eyes

But then Im thinking, why can she even decide what happens with that little piece of land, Im guessing thats not part of the black land so would that not fall under the jurisdiction of one of the other queens? Honestly, they shouldve just spoken to each queen alone, I get that theyre strapped for time but im sure they couldve forged atleast one alliance without the oldest queen speaking for all of them there. Also, from a doylist perspective, it wouldve been good padding since sjm insists on making her books stupidly long and it wouldve probably given us a more functional government structure because right now it just seems like these queens who allegedly each have a kingdom to run are just hanging out in the same palace all making collectively decisions for the entire continent, which is stupid

What is it with Sarah J Maas and portraying freedom fighters being very dedicated to their cause as a bad thing, sepcifically because its not very condusive to a romantic relationship? Like, in Crescent City Hunt was a rebel and he was in love with the leader of the rebellion before she was killed and he enslaved and its very tragic and he cant love anyone but her, but then he manages to move on and fall in love with Bryce and it turns out to be a better experience for him. Specifically, theres this one scene where he buys her this jade egg or maybe she buys him one i dont remember, and he reflects on how if he had given that kind of gift to his former lover she wouldve appreciated it for one second and then just let it rot on some shelf because she just had other things on her mind, and I thought that was an interesting perspective for their relationship, but now that we're getting a similar thing with Jurian and Miriam except Jurian isnt the love interest of the MC so hes more likely to get demonized it seems kinda weird innit

Oh boy we're gonna get the UTM reeanactment soon arent we. sighhhhhh

Btw what the hell is up with Mors truth powers. Apparently a lot of people in her bloodline have them?? What makes Mor so special then, i thought the reason she was special was because her power was unique. I guess its just uniquely strong then (FOR A WOMAN) but thats just lame and also weird imo

Oh the Hewn City is called 'Höhlenstadt' ['Cave City'] in german and I think that sounds pretty bad ngl. rare Alexandra Ernst L

Feyre keeps going about how Rhys is gonna risk everything for the sake of stopping the war and its like, girlie if you keep jacking him so hard youre gonna rip his dick off, but also, hes not gonna tell anyone where Velaris is right?? Like, it'll still be hidden and safe behind that force field, people are just gonna know of its existence now. And even if Veritas shows the queens Velaris by starting off with a birdseye view of Prythian and then zooming in, that wouldnt be enough for the mortal queens to figure out Prythians geography to the point where they could actually tell where it is, not the mention that Velaris is positioned in a way that makes any attacks, but especially attacks from the mortal land, extremely difficult

Feyre talking about the repressed desire she felt when she say Rhys all naked and vulnerable when he woke up from that nightmare is very inappropriate when you consider that he was dreaming about his rapist, but is also surprisingly relatable because I too like my men best when theyre submissive and crying. its a crime rhysand never ended up getting pegged tbh

Rhysand talking about how he cant bear the thought of Feyre mentally returning to UTM when she just barely managed to leave it behind is funny cuz its like, whos idea is it gonna be to dress Feyre up like she was when you were assaulting her UTM. i dont think its her

I dont know what it is but Im already so over this stupid plotline with Mor and Eris, maybe Im just tired cuz its early but god, i dont ever wanna hear about it again

[snowberry-crostata]

Better Reasons to Fight a Civil War

In TES:V, we’re told that the banning of Talos worship is the straw that broke the camel’s back and led to the creation of the Stormcloak rebellion after the White-Gold Concordat was signed (whether that’s due to earnest belief or because it was a convenient excuse for a power grab is outside the scope of this post).

Personally, I don’t like this as an explanation. If you're not a rabid, frothing-at-the-mouth Talos stan, there’s very little motivation for joining the Stormcloaks (other than muh freedom, I guess), which is why I always joined the Imperial side. But when I decided to start this Stormcloak playthrough for funsies, I still found myself wondering what would compel a Nord to join their cause.

Maybe it’s because I’m still struggling with what Talos’ role in the Imperial pantheon actually is (seriously, what does that guy even do) but on it’s own, forbidding the worship of the fan favorite God of Men doesn’t seem like it would be enough to plunge a country into war for decades, especially when it seems like he has relatively few dedicated worshippers. If this is all we have to go by, then the idea that the Talos ban is a convenient excuse used by Ulfric to grab power has merit BUT it doesn’t explain why so many people would join the Stormcloak cause since, as a recent post pointed out, people seem to be pretty ambivalent about Ulfric himself. Rikke has a line where she tells Tullius that more people join the Stormcloaks every day so there are obviously plenty of Nords who feel that establishing Skyrim as an independent kingdom is worth it, but why? Being part of the Empire obviously benefits Skyrim and its people, both economically and in terms of politics and stability. It feels like there has to be more going on here.

Interestingly, Ulfric Stormcloak’s (many, many…) speeches allude to a number of problems in Skyrim that do seem like they’d be more compelling reasons to take up arms against the Empire that has been your country’s ally and leader for six centuries. The problem is, you never actually see any of these issues in-game. Most of this stuff is only mentioned in books or in single lines of dialog (or in the case of Froki Whetted-Blade, a HUGE cultural shift that is only mentioned by a single character who lives in a shack in the wilderness).

So what are some better reasons to fight the Civil War on the Stormcloak’s side, especially for a Nord character? This is my personal list, from most to least compelling from a character/roleplay perspective:

(1) The Great War began when Emperor Titus Mede II refused to accept the terms demanded by the Aldmeri Dominion (outlawing Talos worship, ceding southern Hammerfell, paying tribute to the Dominion, etc.). He did this despite his own generals warning him that the Dominion had superior military strength compared to the Empire. Nord soldiers helped turn the tide of the Great War, but at great cost. Despite their sacrifice, and immediately following a significant victory at the Battle of the Red Ring, Titus II turns around and signs the White-Gold Concordat which gives the Dominion everything they were asking for in the first place! The sacrifice of what is presumably a large number of Skyrim's men and women who faithfully answered the call of the Empire is rendered useless. They died for nothing. If I was a Nord who lost loved ones in that war, I would be pretty mad.

(2) When Hammerfell objected to the terms of the White-Gold Concordat (one of the concessions, which was made without their input, would have forced them to surrender a large portion of southern Hammerfell to the Dominion), the Emperor betrayed them and renounced them as a province, leaving them to resist the Dominion on their own. Despite being abandoned by the Empire, the Redguards were able to fight the Thalmor to a standstill on their own for five years, eventually forcing a treaty which booted the Dominion out of Hammerfell. This victory would be highly motivating to those who envision an independent Skyrim. It also makes the Empire look really, really bad for rolling over and agreeing to the Dominion’s terms after they successfully pushed the Thalmor out of the Imperial City. If the Redguards alone could fight the Dominion to a standstill, then all of the Empire’s legions working together would have had a good chance at smacking down the Thalmor forces (there is definitely an argument that can be made in defense of the White-Gold Concordat, but this is post about the Stormcloak perspective).

(3) The Empire that Skyrim joined under Tiber Septim is not the Empire that exists today. Since the beginning of the fourth era, the Septim Dynasty (those of the dragon blood - culturally, this is probably as important to the Nords as it is to the Imperials) goes extinct. The Elder Council then spends decades bickering and backstabbing over who will be the next Emperor while the Empire’s territories try to recover from the Oblivion Crisis. As their leadership fails, Black Marsh secedes, then invades another part of the Empire. Hammerfell and High Rock go off and sack Orsinium, pushing Orc refugees into Skyrim. Skyrim, which actually seems to have it together at this point in history, steps in and not only allows the Orcs to settle in their lands, but gifts Solstheim to the Dunmer to help the refugees fleeing the eruption of the Red Mountain. While this circus is going on, the Thalmor take control of the Summerset Isles, back a coup in Valenwood, and then ally with them to form the Aldmeri Dominion. They manipulate the Khajiit into favoring them, and Elsewyr also secedes from the Empire to join the Dominion. Despite all of these losses, the Emperor still chooses to disown Hammerfell. By any accounting, the Empire of the fourth era is a shitshow. Their short-sighted bickering, backstabbing, and politics led to massive losses in power, territories, and allies. By the Stormcloaks’ reckoning, the Imperial leadership have shown themselves to be fickle, incompetent, and weak. Any competent leader is going to be questioning whether or not belonging to this Empire is worth it.

(4) The Empire was content to let the Reachmen take, and keep, control of Markarth (or at least ignore it while they monopolized Skyrim’s military forces for their own fight), despite the execution of Nords under the Forsworn regime (this in-game book says the Nords were jerks and deserved it, but the author is also pretty clearly a Forsworn apologist and miiiiiight not be the most reliable source).

(5) Skyrim’s resources are being exported to other regions of the Empire to pay their debts without suitable compensation or benefit to the Nords (I believe the silver coming out of Markarth is specifically mentioned in some dialog, but I could be misremembering). Those debts could very likely be tribute owed to the Thalmor (since that was one of their demands at the beginning of the war), adding insult to injury.

I'm going to throw out one more wildcard headcanon, because this really bugs me (but it’s not as supported by the in-game dialog and texts, so it gets its own section):

My personal headcanon to explain some of the retconning that happens vis-a-vis Nords between games is that the culture of the Nords has been slowly disappearing, consumed by the Imperial way of life, but (and this is where it diverges from canon) it is still the dominant way of life for the majority of Skyrim. Their language, their religion, and their traditions - all are being eaten away at by Imperial influence. One of the things that’s really bothersome is the retconning of the Nordic pantheon away from being the dominant faith in Skyrim. The Imperial Cult of the Eight Divines developed by St. Alessia in the first era was literally created by watering down the Nordic pantheon and adding in Elven lore. UESP describes it as “a carefully designed compromise between the Aldmeri deities …and the deities of Alessia's Nordic allies.” During TES:IV, Nords are still reported as being devout followers of the Nordic Pantheon, not the Eight/Nine Divines, but 200 years later in TES:V, they're all suffering from cultural amnesia and have completely switched over to the Imperial Cult.

(Side note: apparently discarding the Nordic pantheon for TES:V was not an oversight, but a conscious decision on the part of the lead designer, and I will argue to the ends of Nirn that it was a stupid-ass decision that seriously reduces the narrative potential of the main story)

The fact that this compromised pantheon is treated like the universal and unquestioned faith of Skyrim in TES:V is weird. The people of Skyrim have been violently opposed to elves and elven influence since the days of Ysgramor, so shrugging their shoulders and being like, “Sherzarr? Oh, you mean elven Shor. Yeah, I’ll accept it, no problem” would be so out of character. There are previous High Kings who have gone to war to fight the expanding influence of the Imperial Cult in Skyrim. Narratively, it would make more sense if there was tension between the traditionalist worshippers of the Nordic gods and the growing number of followers of the Eight/Nine Divines - things like disagreements about establishing temples of the Imperial Cult gods like Kynareth (rather than Kyne) and Mara (who has a relatively minor role in the Nordic pantheon) in Skyrim’s cities. Fighting the Empire and establishing Skyrim as its own kingdom is a way for Nord traditionalists (and isolationists, and xenophobes - let's not forget them in all of this rationalizing) to "return to the old ways" and push back against the erasure of Nord religion, language, and tradition.

[hyzenthlayroseart]

Since my third fursona Tiffany is a homicidal maniac I figured she's good for vent art.

Anyway here she is killing live-action Scuttle (kinda based on the scene in The Lighthouse where Robert Pattinson killed that sequel) as a metaphor for how I hate the live-action remake trend so much that it actually gives me suicidal thoughts.

Studying Disney has been my passion since I was a kid, I loved researching Walt Disney's life story, his early work with the Alice Comedies, then Oswald, then Mickey, the start of Disney animation, the history and making of their Silly Symphonies and all their animated films, learning all about Walt's Nine Old Men, learning about the history of Disneyland, reading books about Disney, watching documentaries about Disney...

It all fascinated me so deeply that I used to dream about becoming an animator. And now the exact same studio that inspired me after studying it for decades is the one responsible for me giving up my dream of becoming an animator. Because they don't give a shit about their own legacy. They don't give a shit about Walt Disney's legacy.

All their animated masterpieces are being lazily remade into live-action just for money and because animated films aren't "real" films so they need to make them live-action so they can bring them to life (except those stories were already brought to life by all the animators who put their heart and soul into them by bringing them to life with animation). They're not "looking at the stories in a new way", they have zero creative intentions behind any of them, they just need to make money AND unfortunately it works because idiot audiences see the trailers and say "MUH NOSTALGIA" and flock to see them when they could just rewatch the originals if they love nostalgia so much.

It's such a bleak time right now. AI is trying to replace artists, animation if being lazily remade into live-action, Disney almost took a documentary about Howard Ashman off of their streaming service (the man who made the music for The Little Mermaid, Beauty and  the Beast and Aladdin and was one of the people responsible for saving Disney with the Disney Renaissance), they actually DID remove the show Prop Culture (a show dedicated to searching for props from famous Disney films and preserving them, so basically a show about preserving Disney history is now gone forever, further proving how little Disney cares bout their legacy), mindless franchises are still shitting out movies, and Pixar just fired 75 of its employees including the woman who saved Toy Story 2.

I'm so glad I saw Across the Spider-Verse a few days ago, it was something that actually gave me hope for the future of animation.

And don't bother commenting with "WELL I THOUGHT (insert live-action remake here) WAS GOOD" because I don't give a shit.

[jalebi-weds-bluetooth]

Personal Take - IPKKND

(Navigate the Blog)

My IPK Story (how I started watching the show)

IPKKND

Official article on IPKKND

How IPK Spoke the Language of Sex

Thoughts on the initial promo

What was original IPKKND?

IPKKND & female gaze

My pet peeves for IPK

The Role of Religion in IPK Universe

Comparison between Beauty & The Beast and IPKKND

Appreciating IPK

Was it writing or acting that made IPK iconic?

Why IPKKND Is One of India’s  Finest Romantic Hindi Television Shows

THE POTENTIAL!!!

IPKKND and Tropes

English Fancasting IPKKND

What makes this show appealing to diverse viewers? 

IPKKND ft.Jalebi

#1 - Arnav, Anjali & Sheesh Mahal

Scenes

Reaction on Terrace Scene - Excellently Executed Tragedy

How the payoff should’ve been in IPKKND (of the misunderstanding)

Underutilized Moment

Sharp Decline in IPK Production Post Episode 200~

Characters

Why I thought Anjali faked a pregnancy in a fic

Arnav-Anjali Consistency

What song/s do you think would you dedicate to describe the IPK universe or the characters?

Track Rewrite

#1 - Shyam, Khushi, Terrace.

#2 - The Aftermath of Contract Marriage

#3 - The ‘Muh Dikhai’ Rasam

#4 - The ‘Lavanya Turns Desi’ Project

Khayal 

#1 - If Shyam only existed through Arnav & Khushi’s eyes

#2 - Arnav babua should’ve worn more athleisure

#3 - The Poolside

#4 - Tracks IPK Could’ve Had Post Shyam

IPKKND 3

Thoughts on IPKKND 3 and Mohra

(these are my personal takes on IPKKND)

[crusherthedoctor]

I agree with the Egg Robots. The Heroes ones were my favorite and definitely gave him a dedicated Aesthetic. Egg Pawns, E-2000, Falco, Klagen (Jellyfish Bot) Also flappers (those flying bots)

I wasn't knocking the Badniks. I love the Badniks, I love how much variety they have (especially compared to the G.U.N. robots, Black Arms, Iblis monsters, etc), and in any other scenario, I'd have no problem seeing so many of them from across different games reappear all together.

But their usage in IDW is a cynical ruse that's easy to see through; many of them stand in the background, and they serve no purpose other than for fans to gawk and credit the crew for being so knowledgeable about the games... even though, as we've seen so many times by this point via the comic's handling of the characters and overall universe, they either know jack shit or deliberately get shit wrong because Muh Archie. So it ends up coming off like a distraction from their true lack of know-how, and as someone who would normally love seeing them all there, it's like throwing sand in Cool Cat's my face.

The Egg Pawns are fine, and I like it when they have level-appropriate distinctions ala ShtH and Colours, but I wasn't keen on how they unofficially replaced the Badniks for the mainline games during the mid-00s. Colours got it right by having them side by side, which is also what I'm doing with them for Stellar.

[shrimpmandan]

okay but you forgot the part where sometimes it's literally just a preference. i didn't even mention having trauma with men myself, i simply want to date women and i'm allowed to exclude men from my dating pool if i like. i'm happy being bisexual. i often express attraction to men. just because not dating them is an active decision doesn't mean i'm unhealthy.

Most of the "you"s in my response were general, not specifically towards you as a person since I do not know who you are. The point stands that "muh trauma" is a shitty reasoning, and that's not gonna fly here.

And again: I've stated several times that preferences are inoffensive and fine. I've gone back and forth on preferring women and men (the 'bi-cycle') before settling on the fact that I just don't care in the grand scheme of things. I'm not calling you a weirdo for preferring to date women, I'm calling you a weirdo for making that a fundamental aspect of your identity when the SPECIFIC label of 'febfem' is associated with radfems, and also when literally no other demographic except a small group of mostly radfem women use the term.

AGAIN again: my mom is bisexual, she only dates and has mostly only ever dated men. She's fairly exclusive in her preference for men, especially in long-term relationships. She doesn't call herself a fucking "mebfem". Literally nobody outside of the internet is gonna understand what the hell you mean by "febfem" as opposed to you just saying "oh yeah I'm bisexual but I basically only date women jsyk", where it's actually relevant to mention.

Again I have literally ONLY seen bisexual women who prefer women make up a wholeass fucking label to differentiate themselves from other bisexual women under the pretense that dating men is "betraying" the WLW community. This is literally because the word "febfem" originated among radfems, who are NOTORIOUSLY biphobic, so that bi radfems could advertise themselves as "one of the good ones" for not dating men. There is a wholeass context to the word that you're either just missing or deliberately ignoring, but I find that hard to believe when you've already mentioned the radfem association. Fucking URBAN DICTIONARY acknowledges the radfem origins on some level, by mentioning that febfem is often a political thing.

Wikitionary also acknowledges the term as having gender critical origins, and goes on the double whammy of saying that it's specifically CIS women that febfems dedicate their exclusivity to. Because it's a radfem term. Just say you prefer women jesus christ lmao. The reason variations of the terms have never caught on with other demographics is because every other demographic thinks it's redundant, and frankly even most bisexual women I've met don't want that radfem association around them at all even if they do mostly/exclusively date one or the other. I don't know why you're so attached to this term that has nothing but garbage origins when you could quite literally JUST SAY "sorry, I'm only looking for women for a long-term relationship right now" if someone asks.

I literally don't give a single shit who you decide to date on a personal level. Most bisexuals I've met had some sort of preference or just straight-up more familiarity with one sex over the other. That's not what I'm taking issue with no matter how hard you're trying to frame it that way. I'm taking issue with a radfem term with radfem associations that explicitly involves either "trauma :(" or "politics lmao" as primary reasons for not dating men as opposed to people just being normal and. Y'know. NOT using the radfem term with radfem origins, just a thought.

Take a shot every time I said "radfem."

[chronicvagabonds]

.. i mean.. this is to be expected. it's a blessing and a curse that once i think of something (to do) it's close to impossible for me to put it off for much longer because it will continue occupying my mind until i end up doing it. so let's go second-read 😀😀 and it's been so long since the first time it's like an entirely new discovery.

if there's anything to take away from my notes, it's that i'm such a sucker for dialogue like 😮��💨😮‍💨 the speech was so geeeewd in this one and i had to read them over and over again because apparently i like to cause myself pain 😣 i held myself back considerately so not to quote the entire fic, damn near impossible..

[spoilers ahead]

the visual setting of yeosang looking over the city and a little mission note burning to ash is giving very much kdrama hehe

“Gosh, what a sight to see before I end my life,”  blonde long hair angel yeosang come back to usss 😩😩

angel yeosang kinda... 😠 assholey

gaaawd, imagine if when reader caresses the feather, yeosang could FEEL it like a little shiver wherever he is ksjdkm

all i can think of is yeosang perched up on a lamp post like he's batman on the look-out for reader like okay my little dove of the night

“Are you… flirting with me right now?” BRO YOU'RE THE ONE THAT APPEARED OUT OF THIN AIR HOLDING AN UMBRELLA OVER OUR HEADS IN AN EMPTY PARK AT NIGHT??!

like, really we should be calling the police to arrest your stalker ass but reader is too stuck in their miserable life agenda and dedicated to self-loathing that they'd welcome any possible danger/thrill to feel something else for once >:'((

YEOSANG TO THE RESCUE 🥹 what is it with perceived angelic and pure creatures losing their composure and resorting to violent acts that makes them SO HAWT 😫

 “I don’t think a devil like you needs a guardian angel,” 🥺 👉👈 what do you meaaaan~

“Now why would I ever fall for a human?” you're gonna eat your own words MISTUR

reader seeing yeosang at the bridge and mouthing his words back to him is so 🥲🥲

".. You can’t move on now, Yeosang, until I allow you to.” kind of makes me chuckle with the whole 'afterlife' conversation going on but also like moving on from people 🙁 but also yeosang's reaction *whistles* 🔥🔥

ugh, an angel at the mercy of fate is such a cool concept

".. you’re stuck in one place and you’re not allowing yourself to move forward. I don’t like that.” hmnggg :((((((((((((((((

oh god.. the last two parts of dialogue i quoted in relation to each other.. oh.. my heart

“.. if I was an angel and I fell for a human… I wouldn’t care about burning.” ".. do you think the human could move on after being loved by an angel?” i love how they've traded roles

“I think you don’t know what you want or are too afraid to say it out loud.” “Or both,” KICKIGN MUH FEETSIES

stooooop them sitting all cuddled up together on the grass and the vulnerable conversation and the warmth and :(((( im breaking

SIPPING FROM OUR COFFEE INDIRECT KISS HUEHEUH

".. I want to keep you to myself a little longer, if not forever.” i need 🫂🫂🫂

“I want to ruin you and myself. I want to burn, and you won’t let me?” MY FUUUUKCING GOOOOD GODDD KANG YEOOSANG KSMFJH

".. so please, just… let me love you.” 🏃🏃🏃🏃

you tried to calm your beating heart but how could you, when his grip around your waist tightened and he leaned right in, kissing you innocently at first and then almost growling as he kissed you again

SIERRAAAA GURL PLEASKJSK 👩‍🦯‍➡️👩‍🦯‍➡️

idc. Dohyun poopiehead 💩💩

You gazed at the full moon for a long time, hoping the wind would take away all the fear in your heart.  immersed in the moment, i couldn't help but think back on when reader stood on that railing, on the bridge, ready to let the wind take them away from all the pain and suffering their life had caused them and how i wonder if reader's pleading then and now in this moment could be the same.. because what is giving up if not another manifestation of fear of the unknown, a bad ending, more pain and suffering, more lifes lost..

"If I’m without you for eternity, what will I do, love?".. ".. If I burn loving you, so be it. If your kiss is the last thing I feel, I’d be the happiest.” *cowers in a dark corner crying silent tears*

“I’m just taking a breather before I make you mine tonight.” If one sentence could make you moan, this was it.  🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠 and did ☝️🥸

demonfuckers? don't know them, we're an angelfucker household

he needed to feel every little sensation one of the most beautiful things here to me is how you made use of yeosang's wings in the moment. like i was left in awe and absolute adoration. the way his wings folded around them in protection, in a solitude moment, figuratively and literally shutting them away from the world, from the reality that awaits them. and how much "pain" was used to really infest the sacrificial part of a piece of their souls for each other. the scars embedded in reader's skin, the blood left in his wings and how in the very end, despite the pain associated, reader clutched onto that singular feather like a lifeline. 💔❤️‍🩹

not reader apologizing to seonghwa :((( because while they lost the love of their life, he lost a longtime friend "because of them" and their love together :(((

“You keep finding me, love.” tears are falling, hearts are breaking 😭😭😭

his angel kiss birth mark turning into a lover's kiss mark i'm 😣

WOOYOUNG PLEASE WE'RE HAVING A MOMENT OVER HERE YOU'LL HAVE YOUR TURN WITH AN ANGSTY ROMANCE FIC EVENTUALLY 👹💀👹

Dazzling Light

angel!yeosang x human!reader

genre and warnings: fluff, angst, suggestive, mention of su!cide, car accident, murder, mild violence

word count: ~25k

synopsis: yeosang's last mission as an angel is to prevent you from taking your life. however, you find a loophole when he tries to erase your memory afterwards, preventing him from moving on to the afterlife. as the two of you encounter each other a few times, yeosang decides to take your advice and live a little like a normal human before moving on, but ends up falling in love- forbidden and with consequences.

"I'm ready when you're ready!"

You put on your helmet after grinning at your best friend, kick-starting your bike, accelerating it a bit before looking back at her.

"On your mark, missy!"

You both stood at the line where you were going to start racing- you two weren't professionals, but this long road was empty and you both just wanted to race a bit, test your new bikes which you'd bought together.

As soon as you said the countdown, the two of you accelerated on a steady speed, hooting and laughing at each other, side by side as you drove at the empty road framing the hill. You went that extra notch by accelerating to a higher speed, ignoring your friend's warning with a shake of your head indicating that it was okay, and really, everything was okay, until-

Until a car drove straight at you from the sharp turn and you only had time to skid your bike away a little to avoid a crash, resulting in you plummeting down and crashing in a tree, your fall cushioned from the soft grass, only enough to save you but not enough to avoid a fracture or two.

But your accident wasn't painful- the crash you heard of vehicles colliding right after you fell was the most horrible sound you'd heard in your life, and your eyes went wide in horror as you realized-

You woke up drenched in sweat, muffling down your scream.

Your breathing was uneven as you turned your neck to look at the time- half past 5 in the morning. You shook your head, burying your face in your hands as you took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm your heart down, the ache in your leg growing. But it was no use.

Your life was a mess. Everyone was still waiting for an opportunity to get rid of you.

As you lay down and shut your eyes, you decided it then. You'd finally give up. There really was no point in living anymore.

-------------------

"What a day to be alive."

Yeosang stood at the edge of the roof of the 60-story building, looking ahead at the vast sky stretching endlessly with the sun shining through the fluffy clouds, instead of peering down at the traffic. He took a deep breath, inhaling in the fresh air, shutting his eyes close, revelling in the peace until he heard an ashy sound in the air and opened one eye to look at the message on a piece of paper.

Last mission. Save her from killing herself. 7 o'clock.

Yeosang raised his eye at the message, reading it again before burning it to ash with a simple wave of his fingers.

This wasn't an unusual order- as an angel, Yeosang had saved many from an untimely death, never questioning why he was saving only certain humans- he supposed they had a greater purpose to fulfil, something that would either change the course of time or wouldn't affect it entirely- as wrong as it sounded, because that made him wonder if certain humans were worth more than the others.

But this was his last mission. After a century and a half of maintaining a perfect record, always completing his jobs in the best way possible and abiding by the rules, he was finally given his last mission after which he could move on to the afterlife.

Yeosang sighed, trying to calm the nervous roiling in his stomach, which he was trying to convince himself was because of the anxiety of the last mission and whether it would go well, but really, he had a gut feeling that something was going to go very, very wrong this time.

Yeosang willed his wings to spread wide, spreading his hands and dropping down, almost diving down before finally flying upwards, wondering if he would ever be able to fly so freely in the sky again, wondering what the afterlife held for him, an abstract concept he'd been blindly following ever since he came into being as an angel with no past- or no memories- if he had one.

Flying into the endless sky, Yeosang smiled as a single tear left his eye. He would miss Earth dearly.

-----------------

You sat in front of the mirror, brushing your limp hair, the paleness of your skin more obvious because of the dark circles under your eyes. A knock sounded on the door and Sierra, your housekeeper, entered.

"Good morning, miss," she straightened her blouse, going for the windows and spreading the curtains apart, "Lovely day today."

"Lovely," you scoffed, "Who's planning to murder me today? You can tell them to not try anymore- I'm wondering if I should end this once and for all."

Sierra narrowed her eyes at you, "Are you going to work properly at the office now? You really should be going back now- make some effort as the sole heir of your father's company."

"My father is handling it perfectly well," you simply said, pinning your hair back, "And his son can inherit the business. I don't want to be a part of anything, and I'm going to the office today to wrap things up."

Sierra stopped arranging your stuff as she heard that, turning to look at you. You completed your office ensemble by sliding your feet into the black pointy kitten heels, turning to Sierra, who was standing with her mouth open and she finally said, "But miss, he's not the legitimate heir, and he won't inherit anything unless you willingly hand it to him. And what's this about wrapping everything up? What are you planning? Not another one of your pranks, is it? I'll have a heart attack one day and you would be the cause."

You took your purse, "You'll know by tonight, no pranks this time- and don't wait for me. I'll be back late," you said and started towards the door, stopping abruptly and then turning to Sierra, the only friend you had in your lonely life, especially after the death of your best friend. You walked to her, awkwardly raising your hand and patting her shoulder twice, smiling at her and almost laughing when you saw just how surprised she was. "Don't get used to it."

"I... won't," Sierra laughed, "You okay?"

"Yep," you saluted, "take care, Sierra."

"You sound like you're going away or something," she frowned, "Not going to party tonight, are you?"

"Oh yes," you smirked dangerously, "Expect a fucking feast soon."

With that, you took your walking cane and left, Sierra shouting 'language!' at you, making you smile sadly. She would probably be the only one who'd miss you when you're gone.

You debated going without your driver- even if you had to party, your driver/bodyguard-of-sorts would always accompany you, whether you liked it or not. You really wanted your last moments of your life alone without someone shadowing you. You rolled your eyes as your driver opened the door with a knowing look and you sped towards the car, huffing loudly as you sat in.

"To the office, miss?"

"Where else would I go at this ungodly hour," you grimaced at him, making him stifle his smile.

Reaching the parking lot, you took the lift to the 10th floor where your father's office was, hoping to see his face at least once. It's not like you expected anything from him, and yet-

Yet as you neared his office, your limp became worse. You had been walking just fine earlier, not even needing the cane- an accessory most of the time but a necessity whenever you were nervous or stressed. You cursed yourself internally as you walked into his office, greeting the secretary.

"Your father is having an official meeting, and has a busy schedule today. How much time do you need?"

"Not more than 5 minutes," you told her, and she eyed you from under her glasses.

"Are you sure? He needs to be in a good mood for the next meeting especially."

You clenched your jaw, stifling to ask just what her problem was, "just... let me see him once. Please."

The secretary scoffed as she ran a hand through her blonde bob and took off her glasses, "Did I hear a please from your mouth?"

You leaned forward, mustering the most disgusted face you could manage, "Are you gonna report this to Dohyun too? Should I tell my father that you have the hots for my brother- at this age?"

"Step-brother," she corrected through her teeth, "And take a seat, miss. The meeting should be over in 10."

Satisfied, you did exactly that, staring at her and making her squirm in her seat as she tried to concentrate on her work. Exactly 10 minutes later, a group of men left the room, and she motioned for you to wait as she went inside, returning after a few seconds and saying, "Your father's asking if it's really necessary."

You felt your heart twist, getting up and ignoring her protests as you went inside, looking around at the unnervingly neat and arranged office, your father relaxing in his chair as he sipped his coffee. "Hello, father."

"What's the matter?"

"Just stopping by to say hello- I haven't seen you in days," you didn't bother taking a seat, "Not that you miss me or anything, but you could have asked for me."

"I was busy," he simply said, avoiding looking at you, making you smile a bit- you knew all about his engagements- something that involved women apart from work, "I have another meeting in 5 minutes and I'd like to relax, if you'd allow me."

"Of course," you said, walking around lazily, looking at the various frames in his office but finding no picture of you or your family, rather finding an abundance of your brother's, who practically worked at his beck-and-call. You looked at him one last time, hoping to find a parent in his face but really, it was devoid of such responsibility and feelings, "I'll be off then. Do try to relax more, will you?"

"When you start coming to the office more," your father looked up at you, "and start acting responsibly is when I'll finally be able to breathe."

"Right," you said, waving casually as you walked out, shaking your head at the lies that fell so easily out of his mouth.

You were just stepping out of the elevator at the ground floor when you ran into the person you least wanted to see, and you groaned out loud, "My day is already ruined."

"Good to see you too," Dohyun scanned you, "Your leg seems worse."

"It sensed you all the way from up there," you ran your finger dramatically up the path of the elevator, "And look- now I can't even stand."

Dohyun scoffed, "Leaving already? Without working? No wonder dad loves you so much."

"If he loved you so much," you neared him, "He'd have already made you the heir. But here we are."

His jaw visibly clenched at that- you'd hit his weak point. You didn't wait for a response, your limp better as you walked outside, frowning when the bright sun hit your eyes, taking your sunglasses out of your dress pant's pocket and sliding them on, motioning your hand for a taxi and getting in, asking to be drove to your favourite cafe, ditching your parked car and driver.

You spent the day drinking your favourite coffee with your favourite dessert, walking in the park- something you didn't normally do, listening to your favourite songs and having food from your favourite place, playing cards with a random group of kids at the riverside, laughing to your fullest for the first time in a while- stopping when you realized it was going to be the last. Finally, you went to your best friend's grave, putting down a single daisy- her favourite.

"Dajeong," your voice came out choked, and you looked up at the cloudy sky, "you miss me, right?"

The wind blew the stray hair that escaped your now tied hair, and you tucked them behind as a tear escaped your eyes, "Do you miss me? Do you want me to come join you? Or do you hate me for what happened?"

Silence answered you- and you decided that was enough. "Don't kill me when I come to see you, will you?"

You wiped your eyes, your limp getting worse as you dragged yourself to the bridge afterwards, the sun about to set, and you found the sunset to be beautiful and a bit sinister, especially with the way it was casting light on the river.

You'd jump off the bridge. But... you were going to die in style.

You struggled as you sat at the flat railing of the bridge, the few passersby giving you confused looks. You picked your cane and held it for support, standing up bare-feet now, breathing in the air as you faced the sun- you felt free.

"Fuck everyone," you said out loud, laughing a bit, "Here I come, Dajeong."

You started swaying your hips a bit- Dajeong loved dancing. Using your cane as a prop, you awkwardly danced a bit, pulling your hair tie out and letting them loose, laughing a bit, turning to see if you had an audience, but there was no one near. You shut your eyes, spreading your arms wide and laughing out loud.

"People could get the wrong idea," a voice sounded.

Your laugh died abruptly, "Maybe they're thinking right," you turned to the source, sucking in your breath when you saw probably the most beautiful boy you'd ever seen in your life. His pale hair was messy, and his features made you wonder whether god really did choose favourites- he was sculpted so well.

"Maybe you're wrong then," he tilted his head, hands in his pockets as he scanned you, "And don't smirk like that- it's making me nervous."

"Gosh, what a sight to see before I end my life," you muttered, "Look, pretty boy, if you're done, maybe you should go home now. Leave this crazy woman to whatever she's doing, no?"

He raised his brows at the way you addressed him, "Does your life mean so little to you?"

"Actually, it does," you nodded in confirmation, "I have no purpose. No one cares, no one wants me. I am a burden. And I don't know why I even told you all this, I just- leave me alone. Go on. Let me die in style without someone bothering me."

His light eyes shone, "Can't. And if you really didn't have a purpose, I wouldn't be here right now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Think about it- you were about to jump off, but you got interrupted. That clearly means now's not the time, dear."

"Who are you calling dear- ah!"

You were falling.

You'd raised your cane to point at him but ended up losing your balance and falling off, a scream of surprise leaving your mouth as you fell, and you wondered why dramas would make this moment slow because you couldn't process anything as you fell- you only saw the sky getting distant and the sound of the river nearing, fear gripping your heart and you shut your eyes instinctively.

All your breath was knocked out of you and you thought you'd hit the surface of the river, but then you were bent inwards as arms wrapped around you and you clenched your eyes shut before realizing you still hadn't drowned, opening your eyes-

You were flying.

"Holy-" you heard the loud flap of wings, turning to look at the source and your scream was soundless when you realized it was the same boy who'd been at the bridge. He rolled his eyes at you, especially when you wrapped your arms tightly around him as if you finally cared about living, landing you both at the edge of the river before drawing his wings back and you watched them disappear completely, his arms still around you.

"You have a purpose in life, believe it or not," he said, scanning your face and patting your cheek as if to comfort you who was out of breath, "it's why I saved you."

"What are you?" You managed to ask.

"What do you think?" He smiled, taking a step back, "You'll forget this anyway- I'm an angel, if you already didn't make the connection."

You were speechless, dumbfounded, and fell to the ground on your knees, feeling the absence of your cane. The boy- angel sat in front of you, holding your face, "Stay strong. You have a whole new life ahead of you- make most of it, will you?"

You scanned his face slowly, as if you could memorize it, looking away when his gaze felt too strong and laughing maniacally, making him surprised, "Great. I've gone mad now. I'll wake up and this would be a dream, right?"

"Well," he looked at you guiltily, "it is a dream. Now, I don't have all day-" he swiped a hand across your forehead, and everything went black.

-----------------

It was done.

Yeosang had just completed his last mission.

If he was expecting fireworks, a cheer from his friends or even his heart to feel excited, he felt nothing. That odd feeling from the morning hadn't gone away, and he was dreading the unknown more with every passing minute.

Yeosang entered the abandoned church that was used as a disguise, an angel like him entering would find himself in the headquarters situated somewhere in the sky and he awaited his judgement, smiling when he saw his boss, an old man (another disguise) approach him. Yeosang bowed dramatically.

"It's been what- a hundred and eighty-five years?" His boss wondered, "You're still as dramatic as day one."

"Good evening to you too, now can you please sign whatever paperwork there is so I can move on?" Yeosang yawned, "It's been a long day, and I'm getting anxious."

His boss eyed him - Yeosang was anxiously hopping in his place. He waved a hand in dismissal, pushing his glasses up his nose bridge as he fished out a document from thin air, looking at Yeosang apprehensively before sighing and signing it, making him sigh in relief.

However, that sigh died down when the document set itself on fire, making both the men gasp in surprise, each just as confused as the other.

"Tell me this is a prank, because if it is, it's a really, really bad prank."

"Why would I do that?" The old man took off his glasses, rushing to the cabinet and searching for a book, opening it and flipping through the pages until he stopped abruptly, Yeosang now standing beside him as he read.

"Either you caused irreparable damage- which you didn't, I can vouch for that," the man sighed, "Or you took a life- again, not you. Or- did you leave a trace?"

"What do you mean a trace?" Yeosang frowned.

"It means that somehow, somewhere on this planet, someone is aware or suspicious about your identity- about you being an angel. It could be anything, boy."

Yeosang stumbled back, sinking into the chair as he thought- he had never interacted with a person more than needed- whenever he saved a life, he always made sure their memory was wiped clean too, so how could he have possibly left a trace?

"It could be anyone..." Yeosang groaned loudly, pinching his nose bridge, "Fine, what do I need to do? No wonder I had a gut feeling like something bad was about to happen."

The man shut the book, pity evident on his face, "Eliminate the trace you left. It could only be some human you saved- but you have saved a lot. You'll have to narrow them down to the ones that are still alive- even then, there's a possibility they may have passed this secret to someone else. We do not even know what exactly is the trace you left."

Yeosang bit his lips nervously, "I'm doomed. If I have to spend another decade on this Earth, I'll take my own life."

"Now why would you do that?" The man shook his head, approaching Yeosang and patting his shoulders, "Stay positive. You could be done within weeks or even a few years. What's a few more years to you?"

Yeosang only shook his head, wondering just where it had all gone wrong.

Meanwhile you woke up in your bed, blinking a few times before turning and looking at the time- it was 8 pm. You never slept in the evenings-

And you had no memory of coming back here- you'd gone to the office, taken a taxi... and gone home? Why couldn't you recall?

Sighing, you got up, rubbing your eyes and ringing for Sierra who arrived with a cup of coffee, "I was just about to wake you up because you would have only disturbed me during the night if you'd slept now," she handed you the mug and you frowned.

"When did I come home?"

"I don't know- I was in the backyard while you were gone, so I didn't realize when you arrived," she started towards the door, "unusual time to take a nap for you."

"I know right," you sipped at your coffee, and when she was gone and shut the door, you got up and walked to the window, looking out at the dark sky. It suddenly reminded you of the dream you had-

You'd gone to Dajeong's grave too. But as much as you tried to recall why you had been crying (usually you avoided crying at her grave), you couldn't recall anything you'd said, and you found a sinking feeling in your heart.

Feeling chilly, you set the now empty mug on the table and put your hands in your pocket, shrieking in pain when you felt something cut your fingers-

You abruptly drew your right hand out, a small cut much like a papercut running down your index finger, blood oozing out from it. You frowned as you carefully put your hand back in your pocket, feeling something unbelievably soft but shrieking again when you got another cut, muttering 'fuck it' and pulling it out-

It was a feather.

But it was no ordinary feather- it was almost shimmering and appeared to be translucent. Dazed, you ran your fingers along the feather, finding it unbelievably soft, but as soon as you ran your finger down, it cut you again, and you stared at your bloody hand.

What the hell was this thing? It was too big to be a bird feather, and too intricate to be man made.

You frowned as a memory tugged at you, but you really couldn't recall- however, one thing you were sure of now. The absence of your memory and this feather were linked. You put the feather on your shelf, but then decided against it, putting it in the drawer next to your bed, locking it, staring into the distance as you tried to sort your thoughts out.

As you shut your eyes and lay down, for a split second you saw wings- like an angel's, long and broad. But you dismissed it, getting up and walking to your mirror.

You needed to drink.

-------------------

Your favourite part about drinking was how it would always make you so confident that you'd fold your cane and put it in your bag, not requiring it anymore. You could pass by as someone 'normal'. Even though your therapist had repeatedly forbidden you from drinking because of this reason, you didn't care.

You straightened your black blouse and skirt, your feet warm in long boots but your bare knees and thighs chilly. Ignoring the chill, you entered the bar, flipping your hair backwards as you made your way to the counter, sitting on a stool and ordering a drink, looking around at the people dancing or chatting.

You were always alone at bars.

But you'd always manage to attract someone's attention- you didn't hate that. It was amusing how they made an effort to get you to talk or loosen up, but as soon as you'd fish out your cane, they'd rush away with an excuse. No one wanted to be with someone who couldn't even walk properly, no matter how beautiful or attractive they looked, apparently.

You wiped at the red lipstick stain left at your glass absently when you felt someone slide into the seat next to you, muttering a hi, and you spared a glance at the lanky person next to you.

"Long night, eh?" He said, and you nodded, wondering if he was just initiating small talk or his intentions were... the same as so many others you'd encountered.

"You from around here?" He asked, and you nodded again, downing your drink. You really weren't in a mood to talk to anyone right now.

"Can you pretend I'm not here and just... drink? I want to be left alone with my thoughts."

He frowned at that, shrugging, "I can do that, but if you wanna talk about it..."

You muttered a thanks, sighing as he filled your glass and you downed it in one go. This could go on forever, so you pretended to check your phone when really you had nothing going on.

About an hour later, feeling lightheaded and confident enough to ditch your cane because of your now unnoticeable limp, you walked around the dance floor, swaying a bit, closing your eyes shut, losing yourself in the fleeting moments of when you felt free. You couldn't remember when you last felt so free-

An image flashed in your mind for a split second- you with your arms spread as you stood somewhere high, right at the edge.

You had to stop and open your eyes- it felt suffocating as you tried to recall the memory, forgetting it right after you'd seen the flash. Your breathing got irregular- no matter how much you tried to recall, it was no use. You made your way outside, almost running, laughing maniacally and bumping into someone-

"Sorry, pretty boy," you grinned at him as you continued running, forgetting why you were outside in the first place-

Leaving the 'pretty boy' Yeosang, the angel, with his mouth hanging open because he had recognized you, and he couldn't believe how different you looked and the coincidence- it was uncanny, with you both bumping into each other right after his mission- which was a one in a million chance in the first place- and then you calling him by the same term 'pretty boy'. Yeosang had to gulp as he came back to his senses, watching you stop at a distance and finally take out your cane as you walked for your car.

Though Yeosang was pleasantly surprised, he decided to shake this little encounter off as that one in a million chance.

He didn't mean to, but he found his eyes searching for you a few days later when you made your way to the same bridge you'd try to jump from- one that you crossed everyday on your way to the office.

Yeosang internally slapped himself- what was he doing wasting time trying to spot you in the populous crowd? He should be trying to find out about the trace he'd left.

He had tried. He'd gone through the archives of the past decade, narrowing down the list of humans he had saved to those who were still alive, and he'd paid a visit to quite a few of them. He told himself that the reason he found himself looking for you was because you were also one of his missions, one he had to now investigate, but he was lost. He had no idea how he'd know to find the trace. He had no idea what the trace was.

But he found himself following you unintentionally, watching you leave for the office looking like the girl that had needed saving, going to your friend's grave like the girl who needed to heal, and then going to party like the girl who needed nothing of that, who was strong enough to control the limp in her leg instead of it controlling her. And Yeosang was... intrigued. No human had caught his attention in nearly two centuries like you had.

Yeosang found himself in the same park as you that night, glamoured to be invisible as he watched you walk, noticing your limp wasn't bad at all right now but you still used the cane as a psychological support. He wondered if you were somehow the one he was looking for- you'd only met him a handful of days ago, and he'd watched you since. You hadn't done anything to raise his suspicions. It couldn't be you.

Then why was he here?

Yeosang laughed ironically as it started to rain, watching you curse out loud as you sat on the bench, deciding to get soaked just for the heck of it because stupid you had forgot to bring your umbrella. Yeosang decided he was here for a purpose. He fished out a single umbrella out of thin air.

You were just cursing yourself internally when you heard a voice say 'here', looking upwards first at the umbrella that now stopped the trickle of rain and then tracing the hand to the source-

He looked very familiar for some reason.

You sat speechless as you stared at him and he scoffed, "Only till the rain stops, unless you wanna go ahead and get soaked."

"No, thank you," you said, looking away, your brows furrowing in confusion and then you realized, turning your head sharply back at him, scanning his face-

"We've met before, haven't we?"

Yeosang almost dropped his umbrella in surprise before you continued, "You're that pretty boy I bumped into that day, aren't you?"

Yeosang gave you a side-eye, "You remember that?"

You raised a brow as you smirked, "I couldn't forget such a pretty face now, could I?"

"Are you... flirting with me right now?"

You laughed at his narrowed eyes, "I don't know, am I?"

Yeosang scanned you in confusion- he'd seen you flirt-interact with strangers in the bars you'd go to, always leaving them stranded or disappointed on purpose, sometimes by ditching them or sometimes by revealing your limp, but he hadn't expected you to do the same to him.

"You live around here?" You asked casually, and he shrugged.

"I guess you could say that," he shrugged, "What are you doing here in the middle of the night?"

"What are you doing here in the middle of the night?" You asked, folding your arms, and the two of you stared at each other, none of the other breaking.

"I asked first."

"Do I look like I care about that?"

"I was just... walking."

"Cool," you said, "I was just jogging. Nothing unusual, huh?"

"Nothing," Yeosang smiled despite himself, drawing the umbrella back, "Rain's over."

"Well," you got up, brushing your sweatpants, drawing your cane out, "Hope I see you again, pretty boy."

With that, you were off, and Yeosang wondered if interacting with you, a human he had saved, was right. Angels normally kept interactions with humans to the bare minimum, and he couldn't reveal his identity to you, ever. He shouldn't even be mixing with you- he really didn't want to mess up his situation more than it already was.

Which made him wonder why he was crossing paths with you so often. Could you be the person he was looking for? Though he racked his brain over the events of the evening that he'd save you, he couldn't understand how it could have happened.

Yeosang got up, taking out the list of the people he still had to investigate. He should not be wasting time.

-------------------

You spent the next few days researching the feather, even when you'd told yourself not to think about it.

You couldn't help it- you were drawn to it, to put it simply. It's not like you were obsessed or anything, right? It's not like you were staring at it for the most part of the night and caressing it trying to avoid the cuts, right?

You were.

Sierra was not happy with the amount of band-aids on your fingers.

"It's like you're that annoying teenager I had to take care of again," she said one day, examining your hand, "remember when you used to be wild? No one could get to you."

"Well," you took your hand from her, "someone did. That annoying teenager died on the hill."

Sierra looked at you with her hands on her hips, "Not sure about the annoying part."

You stifled your smile at that, giving her a side eye as you slumped in the chair in front of the window, "Any update on that?"

"None yet," Sierra sighed, standing beside you, "You really, really think it was Dohyun?"

"If not him, then who?" You asked, "Who would have a good reason to kill me at that point of my life? It's not like our company was too big back then- you'd take potential rivals as possible suspects."

"True," Sierra said, "it's more suspicious because the company hit the jackpot right after that incident. Think they're related?"

"I'm not so sure about that," you leaned forward, "it's the only loophole about the whole thing."

Sierra nodded and left, saying she needed to catch up with some work and you got up, deciding to go for a walk, changing into a casual outfit of jeans and a black pea-coat over a plain white shirt. Tying your hair messily, you put your cane in your bag and told your driver to stay put. You didn't need a shadow- not today.

Not when you intended to actually party and forget about all the things that were messing you up- family politics, your leg, the feather-

And that boy you'd met the other day.

Truth be told, you had quite a few strange dreams about the same event already- you falling from a height, rescued by someone with wings, the feather of which very similar to the one you now possessed-

That someone who looked too much like that boy you'd met- unless it was your mind playing tricks.

And it was your mind playing tricks, what else? There was no way it was that boy, or anyone, for that matter. And you'd believe yourself if you'd stop thinking about the missing piece of your memory and the cuts that feather had given you.

You went inside the bar, making a stop at the toilet where you took out your makeup and applied some- if you'd gone out with makeup, there was no way your driver would have bought your excuse of 'going for a long walk'. Putting on some lipstick and mascara, you smacked your lips loudly, smiling at your reflection, unbuttoning the top two buttons of your shirt. You'd fit right in now.

All it took you was two drinks to muster the courage to get to the dance floor. You swayed along to the music first, glancing around to check if one of your father's goons was here, or worse, your step-brother's. Finding none, you relaxed, smiling at the man who clearly wanted to get laid approaching you, scanning you ever so slowly.

"So," he tried to strike up some conversation, "wanna dance with me?"

"Aren't we already?" You commented on how close he already was.

He smirked, taking that as a sign to get closer and you allowed that. As long as you were dancing, it was fine.

But then he bought you more drinks during that break you took, and led you to the dance floor again, this time his hands on your hips. You didn't miss the suggestive look in his eyes, but you did miss his hand travelling down your hip-

As you saw an all too familiar face exit the bar.

"Wanna come home with me tonight?"

You grimaced at how drunk he sounded, pushing him off of you, "I have to go home. Find another girl to dance with, will you?"

"Oh come on, we were just starting to have fun!" He protested but you just waved him off, securing your bag and putting a hand on the slightly open corner in case you'd need your cane, practically rushing out of the bar.

The cold air hit you hard as you exited the bar, making you feel a bit more awake as you looked around, finding the roads nearly empty. Were you drunk? Maybe you had just conjured his image. Sighing, you started in the direction of your home, taking a deep breath-

"Hey!"

You turned around, rolling your eyes when the man from the bar approached you, "We're done, go home!"

"Not so easily," he smirked, slowing down when he approached you, a seductive look in his eyes as he put a hand on your waist and the other to your face, which you slapped away before he could touch you, making him laugh sarcastically, "You can't just leave me stranded."

"I can," you glared at him, taking out your cane and unfolding it with a swipe, hitting his lower leg strongly enough to make him grimace away, "and I will. I owe you nothing."

With that, you went back to walking, a surprised scream leaving you when he pushed you, making you nearly lose your footing and you turned back to hit him again, because how dare he?

Instead, you found him pinned to the wall-

It was that boy.

He was holding his collar, glaring at him, "She's clearly not into you, so why don't you rush home?"

"Leave me the fuck alone-" The man tried punching him but he had him pinned against the wall, muttering something in his ear that had him scrambling off, while you stood with your mouth hanging in surprise.

"What the hell did you say to him?"

"You don't need to know that," he looked at you once as if to make sure you were okay as he brushed his clothes, turning around to go.

"Where are you going?" You asked before you could think, cursing yourself internally. He turned around, raising a brow at you.

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" He asked, but he knew you weren't going to let him off so easily as you casually joined him as you walked.

"So, pretty boy," you grinned at him, "Got a name?"

He rolled his eyes, telling you his name- Yeosang- and you told him yours, "You've practically been everywhere these past few days, you know? But I don't think I've seen you before. Did you move to this area recently? Or here for a job?"

"Something like that," Yeosang muttered, hands in his pockets as he walked.

"Are you my guardian angel?" You wiggled your brows, "Though I must say, it's a little late for that."

Yeosang almost tripped on his feet, realizing later that you were only joking and referring to the incident that had just happened, not one which you'd forgotten, "I don't think a devil like you needs a guardian angel," Yeosang muttered, making you raise a brow.

"Devil like me? Please, I'm a saint."

Yeosang pretended to throw up at that, making you slap his arm, "How old are you again? Stop acting like a kid."

"How old are you?" You narrowed your eyes at him- he looked young enough to pass as a teenager, but mature enough to be-

"Definitely older than you," he laughed, and he wanted to tell you he was only a few centuries older than you.

You smiled at that. He had an incredibly pretty laugh too- everything about him screamed elegant. And something about him threw you off your element- which was weird, because was he making you shy? Why couldn't you muster up a smart retort anymore?

Yeosang noticed you staring at him as you walked, and he raised a brow at you, finally knocking you back into your senses. You were glad you didn't flush, because the last thing you needed was to give him that satisfaction. "Can you buy me a water bottle? We're like 10 steps away from the store."

"Sure," Yeosang said, and you waited outside, watching him walk (how could he walk like that?) and run a hand through his hair- gosh, everything about him screamed perfection.

As he came out and handed you the bottle, you thanked him, drinking a few gulps and looking at him again. "Thank you for earlier. I could have handled that, but... thank you anyway."

"Be careful next time," Yeosang said, and you rolled your eyes as you nodded, making him smile. He waved at you, taking off and you watched him go.

"Hey!" You called and he turned, his brows raised in question.

"Will I see you again?"

Yeosang scanned you, standing as if you were about to take a step towards him, your face flush.

"Maybe," he smiled, waving once again before leaving.

That night when you reached home, you took the feather out, a slow grin spreading over your face as you recalled the strange recurring dream that could very well be a memory. Sure, you had other things to do. You had to start going to the office at least thrice a week, but-

You had to test this theory. You had nothing to lose anymore anyway, and if you were wrong about Yeosang being the person from your dreams, it could end there. You'd move on, put that missing piece of memory in the box of unsolved mysteries, where you'd put the memory of your friend's accident too. Something you'd rather not open again after finally getting better.

-----------------

Yeosang decided that it was simple curiosity that made him approach you at the bar three days later.

It had been days now that he'd been trying to find the trace, find any sort of leads, any clue, but somehow, at the end of the road, he'd always find (or see) you, whether he wanted to or not. What had started as simply spotting you by chance once had turned into a series now.

Maybe you were the person he'd been trying to find, was what he told himself. But if Yeosang was honest with himself, he was... intrigued. Something about you seemed different, and it wasn't because he was interacting with a human properly for the first time in quite a while. It certainly wasn't your devilish tendencies either. Something about your aura screamed different to him, and now that he'd stalked observed you for a while, he didn't know why he was in front of you, even when you seemed to not be the one who held the trace- whatever that damned trace was.

Yeosang nodded at himself as he decided that he had finally gone insane after waiting two centuries to move on and finding his path blocked because of a petty reason, which was why he slid so casually next to you, test the waters, and if he was lucky, you could turn out to be the one who held the trace all along.

What he didn't expect was the smirk plastered on your face as you turned to him and scanned him.

You couldn't hold it in, the grin, as you said, "Here to drink down your sorrows?"

"You could say that," Yeosang sighed, taking a little sip from his drink, "What about you? Here to break another heart?"

"Me? Nope, I'm trying to be a good girl now," you smiled, clicking glasses with him as he noticed your still bandaged fingers- now with some cartoon band-aids. He narrowed his eyes at you.

"Is the world finally ending?" Yeosang wondered out loud.

"You'd know better about that, wouldn't you?" You raised a brow, smirking at the obvious confusion on his face as he tried to read behind that statement. You decided to continue, "I don't intend to break hearts, you should know. Aren't humans so... weak? You give them some of your time and attention and they think they have your heart. Can't help but break it then."

"You're right," Yeosang sighed, "Humans really are weak."

"Right," you played with your glass, "Which makes me think if I'll ever be able to not break a heart. If there will be someone who would break my heart instead."

"And why would you want that?" Yeosang was curious.

"That ought to put me in my place, right?" You locked eyes with him, "Who am I to go around breaking hearts?"

"That's... true," Yeosang admitted, the two of you sharing a laugh.

"You know," you leaned towards him, "Sometimes I think I know you. Like I've seen you more times than I remember."

"Ah," Yeosang could play this game, and he leaned forward, "Probably been dreaming about me?"

However, he realized with dread that he was right as your eyes flashed, and you grinned shamelessly. "Now how would you know that, Kang Yeosang?"

The way Yeosang's ears went red had you grinning widely, and you patted his arm, "You can't play this game with me, Yeosang. I always win."

"You know what," Yeosang took your hand, putting it away, "I think I'd take that as a challenge."

You looked at him from underneath your curled lashes, and Yeosang felt his heart sink, because you were pretty. It wasn't your physical appearance that made you so, it was the way you acted and carried yourself. It was the confidence with which you grinned, shaking your head, as you said, "Challenge accepted."

Yeosang took a deep breath, sighing at how stupid humans could be sometimes, but he had to give you credit for having the guts to do that. And he had to slap himself internally because oh, he was treading on dangerous lines. So he smiled at you, filling your glass as the two of you clicked and downed your drinks.

After an hour of aimless and random conversation, Yeosang decided to take you home. "You're far too drunk to walk now."

"If you want me to take you home, you could just say so," you winked at him.

Yeosang rolled his eyes, "If you want me to take you home that desperately, you could have just said so too."

You threw your head back as you laughed, the sound of it music to his ears. "Fine, ugh. You can walk me home. Outside my door, okay?"

"Of course," Yeosang put a hand on the small of your back as he led you out, "Though, if you want, I could take maybe one or two small steps inside."

You slapped his arm, "You're getting better at this."

"You have no idea," Yeosang grinned, and you linked your arm with him as the two of you walked home.

"Where do you live anyway?"

"In the skies," Yeosang sighed, and you rolled your eyes.

"Sure, I may have called you an angel earlier, but that doesn't mean you can take it serious."

"But I am an angel," Yeosang looked at you, and you nodded.

"Sure you are," you began to laugh, making Yeosang confused as he took a step away from you, "An angel, from the skies. You must have wings too, eh?"

Yeosang was smiling in confusion as he tried to figure you out- just what was it that made you so damn cocky, as if you knew everything about him? He watched as you threw your head back and laughed silently, your bandaged fingers in your hair as you finally looked at him, "Tell me, angel who walks with mere humans like me, what do your wings look like?"

Yeosang couldn't tell if you were joking or not. He sighed, nudging you forward to the direction of your house, "Shut up, you're drunk."

"Sure I am," you said, stopping abruptly. You had one chance to find everything out, and you had to corner him somehow. He had to say it. You started taking off your band-aids, the cuts still looking as fresh as day one. "Tell me, does it look familiar, these cuts?"

"They certainly look recent, but..." Yeosang frowned- weren't they old? From a few days ago?

You gaped at his obliviousness- did he not know, or was he pretending to? You were growing impatient now, so you huffed loudly, taking out your cane- you couldn't walk without it now. Yeosang pursed his lips as the two of you walked in silence, finally reaching your house.

"Thanks for walking me home," you turned to him, scanning him, "you should go and do your angel duties now or something."

"When are you gonna stop teasing me about it?" Yeosang laughed.

"When you finally admit that you're the one who saved me that day on the bridge, pretty boy."

All the colour left Yeosang's face.

"You," Yeosang scoffed- he couldn't believe it. It had been you all along, "How do you remember? You shouldn't be able to."

"So it was you," you put a hand over your mouth in disbelief, "Why the hell did you save me? You should have left me to die."

"It's not like I wanted to," he practically sneered, "It was my last mission. Just a job. And I erased your memory- you shouldn't have been able to remember."

"Well, seems like you've grown rusty at that," you scoffed, "Last mission? What are you talking about?"

"Nothing you need to know," Yeosang took a step towards you but you stopped him, pointing your cane at him, making him look at the skies as if for help.

"Don't you dare come near me- and don't try to wipe my memory again. I have backup."

"You annoying little-" Yeosang lunged his arm at you like a cat's, making you laugh a bit as he muttered curses.

"Tell me, angel boy, are you allowed to curse?"

"At humans like you? Definitely."

You lowered your cane as you laughed at that, making him laugh a bit too- he really hadn't expected the situation to turn like that. "You wanna come inside and talk over a cup of coffee? Because my head's killing me right now."

Yeosang took the offer, the two of you entering your house, Sierra gaping dramatically at the 'devastatingly handsome boy' you'd brought home, and you assured her it was nothing like that, taking your coffee to the balcony, having a glaring competition as the two of you sipped on your drink, none of you saying anything.

"So," you broke the silence, "Is there a reason you've been everywhere these past few weeks? And don't give me that angel mission bullshit- you had one job and you didn't do it properly, clearly."

"I'm two centuries old, kid, and you're the only person who's managed to find a loophole- however you did. And right now my only concern is what's different about you- why your memories came back. You were my last mission- I've saved countless lives before, and you messed up everything for me."

You pursed your lips guiltily, then shook your head to bring yourself back into your senses- why do you have to feel guilty? You'd finally mustered up the courage to end your life and he just had to save you and bring you back to this miserable world. "You messed up everything for me too, believe it or not, so we're even. As for the matter about my memories coming back... what does that have to do with your last mission and whatever?"

Yeosang sighed, slumping back as he looked at the full moon, "I was supposed to move on to the afterlife after this mission, but I can't now, because I left a trace."

"A trace?"

"Humans shouldn't know about the existence of angels under any circumstances," he looked at you pointedly, "I can't move on until I get rid of the trace I've left. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to find out the thing I've been running after for two centuries was snatched out of my hands because of a damned trace? I had no idea what to do- it could have been anything, but turns out... it's you and your exceptional memory."

"Well," you shrugged, "Not my fault, is it? There must be a reason I recalled my failure."

Yeosang raised a brow at your choice of words, "Humans. Ever so ungrateful. Well, I really have no idea why you're able to recall what I deleted from your mind. I'll have to look into that."

You didn't miss how distraught he looked, "I'm sorry about this whole thing though. Because of me..."

Yeosang shook his head, "It's really not your fault. But you know that I have to erase your memory to be able to pass on. And let's suppose I did get rusty back then and messed up. I should try again, don't you think?"

"Now?" You asked, and Yeosang nodded.

You stared at your empty mug that you still held in your hands. Were you going to forget about him and everything related to him again? You looked at him- apparently an angel. He leaned forward, taking your mug from your hands and placing it on the table, then taking your hands, examining the cuts. "You must have got these when I saved you. I may have missed it then. This is probably why you're able to remember."

With that, he ran his thumb over each scar, healing it in process, making you gasp- this really was happening. He really wasn't human. He looked up at you, "I'll give you a few moments to breathe. Then let me erase your memories of me."

You gulped, taking in his features now that he was so close to you, your heart beating fast because your hands were still in his, "Do you have to?"

Yeosang internally sighed at how your voice came out as a whisper. You had this effect on him that he didn't understand and was too afraid to try to. He smiled at you, tucking your hair behind, running the back of his fingers down your face, "It was fun while it lasted, wasn't it?"

You smiled- shyly- looking down, making Yeosang smile wider because you had the ability to get shy after all. You finally looked at him, "Okay. If that's what you really want. I shouldn't keep you from passing on to the afterlife- that sounds... wrong."

Yeosang laughed, "Afterlife is as much of an abstract concept for me as it is for you."

"Then why are you so desperate to go on?" You frowned.

"I guess I have nothing left here," Yeosang sighed, "I'm done with my missions. I have nothing more to do."

"You could always try finding love and settling for a while on Earth, but I guess your kind probably detests humans and thinks they're lesser beings?"

"Now why would I ever fall for a human? You know what humans are like."

You nodded slowly- he had a point. "Well, go ahead. Enjoy your afterlife- it's gonna be very boring without me there, you're gonna miss me."

"Definitely," Yeosang scoffed, taking one hand away from you and putting it on your forehead, "Listen... don't give up on your life. Whatever it is that's weighing you down, don't let it get to you so much. You're strong enough to get through it."

"Gee, thanks," you rolled your eyes, "I'll try."

"Also, what's the backup you were talking about?"

"The backup?" You frowned, realizing what he meant a second later, "Oh, the memory backup? I have none, I lied."

Yeosang shook his head at you, tapping your cheek as if lightly slapping you and you made a face at him, "Well, it was... nice? interacting with you. You're definitely better than other humans- less boring, if I have to say."

"That definitely makes me feel better," you scoffed, and Yeosang locked eyes with you as he put his hand back on your forehead.

"You're gonna wake up and not remember a single thing about me. Goodbye."

-----------------

You had the strangest dream.

You woke up to the sun shining brightly making you shift your back to the window as you tried to recall the fuzzy memory.

You couldn't.

Annoyed that it was one of those dreams that felt good but you couldn't recall, you got up and took a shower, sitting in front of the mirror as you did your morning routine, drying your hair, humming.

Sierra knocked and entered, muttering good morning and going to your closet to pick some clothes for you, "Your father is going to have a meeting with you and Dohyun. You should… act wisely today."

"When do I not?" You rolled your eyes as she left, dressing in the navy blue suit she'd left out for you. Finishing your makeup and wearing light accessories with a watch, you took your cane- you'd definitely be needing it today. You could already feel that it was going to be one of those days.

As you sat in your car on the way to the office, you tried to recall the events of last night- you’d gone out for a drink, and then…

Then what?

You frowned- you were still worried about the absence of your memory from a few days ago and now you had another piece you couldn’t recall? You were never the one to get so drunk that you couldn’t recall the events of that time. Then what was the reason? Should you be visiting the doctor?

You reached the office, taking the elevator up to your dad’s floor and making your way inside, finding the old man reading the newspaper, greeting you with ‘good morning’, and you took the sofa seat in front of him.

“That son of yours never arrives on time,” you commented as you took your own newspaper.

“You’re rather early today,” your dad looked at you pointedly.

“Well, I had a few things to discuss with you,” you put one leg over the other, “I think we can both agree that I have been doing a better job than Dohyun ever since I came back.”

Your dad said nothing as he continued to stare at you, and you took that as a cue to continue, “I am your legitimate heir- not that that matters anymore. If Dohyun had been doing a good job, I would have gladly kept my position as COO. But… I really don’t think Dohyun is suitable as CEO now that you’re thinking of actually stepping down.”

“And you think you’re up for it?” Your dad’s brow was raised and you noticed the glint of hope in his eyes.

“You have to stay for a good few years here, dad,” you smirked, “you’re still far from retirement. We can keep working and take the load off your shoulders, but I suggest you stay till the last possible day. As long as you can manage.”

“What makes you think so? I am genuinely curious.”

“Dohyun… you have to have known that he only cares about his ‘title’ position, don’t you?” You raised a brow and your dad slumped back, not answering, “The minute you name him CEO, he’s going to make sure you’re out of the picture. Literally everyone in here knows that, dad.”

Your dad was looking outside the window as he sighed, “That’s what happens when you have kids and you promise them what you worked on all your life.”

“Yeah, but I think it’s unfair that Dohyun thinks like that. Because if it was me…” you were playing on dangerous waters now, “I wouldn’t want you to step down until you’re sick of working, to be honest. This company is our family legacy, dad. We don’t want to put it in the hands of someone who only cares about making money through whatever means possible, and we don’t want our reputation ruined.”

Your dad nodded slowly- you knew you’d gotten to him. The door opened, Dohyun entering with a little greeting and you looked at your father. “Do think about what I said. No rush.”

“Think about what?” Dohyun asked as he sat.

“Just this and that,” you said casually, “Coming from a meeting? Or did you sleep in?”

“I was busy,” Dohyun said.

“The sleep in your eyes says otherwise,” you pointed at him and he only made a face, your dad clearing his throat as he started to discuss business with you two.

--------------------

It was two days later when you opened your box of albums that you saw that strange feather again.

You were going through a photo album of your high school years with a faint smile on your face, suddenly missing Dajeong and wanting to see more of her photos when you took out the box from your cupboard, going through albums until you came to the last picture of you, the feather tucked behind the photo.

You took it out- so strange yet so familiar- and you shifted it in the light- it seems to be reflecting some. You frowned as a sharp pain went across your head, caressing the feather absently. Where did this thing come from?

All it took was one cut from the feather for the memories to come rushing back, for Yeosang’s face to be imprinted back in your mind, your interactions coming like a flood and it took you a good few minutes to recall everything and sort the memories, gasping when you recalled the last conversation you had with him.

You had lied.

And you felt really, really bad. And a bit scared too.

He would probably come back for you. He’d somehow find out that he still can’t move on, thanks to you, and then he’d come for you, and you had no idea what he’d do now. Sure, he was an angel, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t do something to you.

You put the feather back, going back to your bed and pulling the covers over you as if you were hiding. That feeling in your heart that something was missing was now gone and replaced with an unexplainable fear and dread.

You couldn’t sleep that night.

Or the next.

It was finally when you went to the same bridge that you stifled your gasp when you saw Yeosang sitting on the same spot that you’d stood that day to jump off the bridge. A number of questions ran in your head, but the most important of them was why he was still here and hadn’t come for you.

You mustered your courage, the pain in your leg shooting out of nervousness as you struggled to walk to him without your cane, stopping a few feet away. He still hadn’t noticed you, and you took that time to admire his immensely beautiful side profile and how his hair glowed in the sun.

As if he had finally sensed you, he looked at you, his mouth opening in surprise and you shook your head at him as you smiled. “People could get the wrong idea.”

Yeosang laughed in disbelief, shaking his head back at you, “You… What are you? You keep finding me!”

“You keep finding me!” You countered as you stood next to him, “I was on my way, thank you. This was merely a coincidence, let’s not forget the number of times you’ve stalked me.”

“I did not stalk you. When it’s for a mission, it’s not stalking.”

“Whatever you say, pretty boy,” you muttered, and he laughed.

“How do you remember everything though? This is crazy- no one has ever gotten their memory back.”

“More importantly, why haven’t you moved on to the afterlife? Do you have any idea how scared I was that you’d come after me when you’d find that the trace or whatever still hadn’t worked?”

“You were scared?” Yeosang was smirking.

You rolled your eyes, “Why are you still on earth, angel?”

Yeosang sighed. “I… I didn’t report back. I was still figuring stuff out.”

You looked at him, “Stuff like?”

“Like how I really haven’t lived. Ever since I came into being, I’ve been working as a servant of god, carrying out missions, following that concept of afterlife like it was the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. And now that I am at the end and ready to step into the light… I think I’m not ready.”

He saw the worry and confusion in your eyes and smiled a little at that, “And then there’s this matter of how even if I was ready, I wouldn’t have been able to move on because somehow, you’re not human enough.”

“What are you implying?” You were thoroughly offended.

“Nothing,” Yeosang laughed out loud, “How did your memory come back?”

“I actually forgot everything, but then I-”

You paused. Did you really want to tell him about the feather- the reason he wasn’t able to move on?

“I don’t like the look on your face right now,” Yeosang was starting to dread what was to come out of your mouth-

“Listen,” you sat up next to him, turning so that both your legs were dangling off, the river dark underneath you two, “You still are an angel, right? A few more days, or let’s say, months, won’t do you any harm, no?”

“Technically, no,” Yeosang urged you to continue.

“I have the trace- I know what’s gonna keep you from moving on to the afterlife, but… you don’t want to move on right away anyway, right?” Yeosang nodded hesitantly and you continued, “So why don’t we forget about the trace for now, relax and… roll on?”

“Roll on?” Yeosang raised a brow, “What do you suggest?”

“Well, since you’ve given me such a headache these past few weeks,” you looked at him pointedly, “I could use your help to uncover some mysteries. In return… you can ask anything of me. A place to live, a friend to hang out with, whatever you want.”

“Interesting,” Yeosang nodded slowly, “And if I decline?”

“I’m not telling you about the trace.”

Yeosang narrowed his eyes at you, “You’re threatening me? Really? Forcing me into this?”

“Oh come on!” You groaned, “You’re an angel, you’ve never had fun, have you? Because if you think my company was the most fun you’ve had in your life, boy, are you missing out on some real fun!”

“You do know you just dissed yourself, didn’t you?”

“Not the point,” you raised a hand, “What matters is that you need to loosen up. Chill! Have some fun, Yeosang. Live like a human for some time, mingle with people, just… live. And maybe help me when you feel like it. And when you’ve had fun… when you really want to move on, I’ll willingly tell you about the trace. You can move on.”

Yeosang took a deep breath, never breaking eye contact, “Why are you offering me this?”

“You remind me of someone,” you smiled, “She wasn’t as annoying as you though, mind you.”

Somehow Yeosang knew that you weren't lying. The emotions in your eyes as you recalled the 'someone' were the most genuine emotions he'd seen in your eyes so far, and that made him trust you a little. "Okay, let's say I agree. I live like a human or whatever, see what it's like- what if something happens to you, something that I'm not supposed to prevent? My trace might get lost."

"I'll arrange for that," you assured him, "though it hurts to think you won't prevent anything bad happening to me in the future."

"I shouldn't even be doing this," Yeosang motioned between you two, "angels aren't supposed to interfere in human's lives. Angels aren't allowed to change the course of someone's life, which is why I'm still wondering if I should just move on."

"But here you are interacting with a human who knows about you," you said, "is that alright? Hasn't my course of life changed already?"

Yeosang leaned forward until he was face to face in front of you, "Not if you forget everything forever."

You leaned forward as well, "I'd like to see you try again. You can't move on now, Yeosang, until I allow you to."

"Now let's make one thing clear," Yeosang tilted his head dangerously, his voice so low that it made you gulp, "If I wanted to, I could make you give me the trace right now. So don't think for a second that you have the upper hand here, alright?"

The way Yeosang's brown orbs turned nearly golden as if they were burning made your hands tremble and you had to clench the railing to stop it from showing. "Alright, alright, angel, I get that. You have the upper hand- I'll give you the trace whenever you want it. So let's pretend me not giving you the trace is what's keeping you from moving on and enjoy life on earth as a normal human, shall we?"

Yeosang grinned, his face changing in a second and it looked so innocent at that moment that you couldn't help it when your mouth fell in surprise. "I think we have a deal, human."

-----------------

"Shut up if you don't want to look suspicious."

"I don't know what to say to your housekeeper, she seems scary," Yeosang unconsciously tugged at you.

You slapped his hand lightly, "You could probably burn her with a gaze and you're scared of her? Way to go, angel." 

Yeosang glared at you, and you turned to him, scanning him once- his white button-up shirt and black pants were both formal and casual enough to avoid suspicion for what you two were about to do. "Just… let me handle this. Don't say anything stupid, okay?"

"As if I would," Yeosang rolled his eyes and at that moment, Sierra entered the living room, stopping in her tracks when she saw Yeosang- since he had wiped her memory from the last encounter as well, she was practically meeting him for the first time, yet… her expressions were no different than when she had first seen him, and it made you scoff.

“Who is this young handsome guest of yours?” Sierra raised her brows at you.

“The new bodyguard who’ll be accompanying me when I don’t need one of dad’s goons to follow me, don’t worry, I’ll talk to father first thing tomorrow,” you assured her, and Sierra looked confused- you didn’t trust anyone, and for you to bring someone for the most important position…

“Can we talk?” 

You nodded, following her in the kitchen, leaving Yeosang wandering around the living room. Sierra grabbed you by your arm, “You wanna tell me who he really is?”

“Exactly as I said. I don’t know him from before, but he can be trusted.”

“You don’t know him and he can be trusted? I don’t think so, miss.”

You knew Sierra was concerned about your safety- the incident with your friend was the first attempt at getting rid of you but not the last, though the rest of them had been subtle enough to pass as mere misfortune. “I think yes, Sierra.”

At that moment, Yeosang entered, touching Sierra’s cheek lightly which made her look dazed as Yeosang planted the seed of trust in her, and you watched in wonder as Sierra’s expressions changed, now much more relaxed. Yeosang looked at you and you shared a nod, giving Sierra a moment to gain her senses. 

“How stupid of me, you must be parched. Coffee?” Sierra asked and Yeosang answered with a yes. Sierra shooed you two out to the living room and you turned to Yeosang, smiling. 

“I guess this is what you call fate?” You raised a brow, “If this wasn’t supposed to happen, you would have burned… wouldn’t you?”

“True,” Yeosang looked confused, “It’s strange how everything that’s been happening is apparently supposed to be happening. I’ve heard about angels burning slowly, almost fading away, if they did something they weren’t supposed to.”

“You feel alright, don’t you?” You scanned him once, “No burning sensation or something like that?”

“Nothing,” Yeosang pursed his lips, “I don’t like where this is going.”

“You’re in for a ride, pretty boy,” you laughed.

Sierra served you both coffee, guiding Yeosang about his duties and telling him he could stay in one of the many empty rooms in your house- you and Sierra along with the rest of the staff were the only ones living here anyway. Yeosang thanked her, and the two of you went to the balcony. As you sat in front of him, you felt nostalgic- it was just like that day when he had taken your memories. It seemed like forever ago, like a distant memory.

“Do you even sleep?” You asked, genuinely curious.

“If I feel like it,” Yeosang answered, and you made an impressed face.

“That’s convenient,” you sighed.

“So,” Yeosang relaxed in his chair, “are you going to tell me what I’m actually doing here?”

You took a deep breath. “About five years ago, my best friend Dajeong died in an accident that was meant for me- a car crash on a road that was supposed to be empty. After that, I’ve had enough near death incidents to call that a mere accident. It was me who was supposed to die that day, but unfortunately… they got her.”

“I’d say something about how your friend’s fate was that, but you probably don’t wanna hear it,” Yeosang looked at your grim face and shook his head, urging you to continue, “Who’s ‘they’?”

“I have high suspicions that it’s my step-brother, because who else would want me dead? And he has an obvious motive- he’s the illegitimate heir to our business, so he probably thinks his position is in danger, and getting rid of me might be his answer.”

“Makes sense,” Yeosang nodded, “And where do I fall in?”

“You, dear angel,” you leaned forward, “will help me expose whoever is behind this. I don’t have a problem with dying- they’re sloppy at their job, if I have to say. I’m doing this for Dajeong.”

“Alright, I understand,” Yeosang nodded. He wanted to tell you that the past was the past, but he supposed humans found it hard to let go of such things, much like angels who liked holding on to grudges. “But I hope you can handle the truth when it comes out. And I hope you can live with it and move forward, because… whether you admit it or not, you’re stuck in one place and you’re not allowing yourself to move forward. I don’t like that.”

You took a deep breath as your jaw clenched and unclenched, looking at the dark night sky. “I’ll… try.”

Yeosang got up, patting your shoulder once as if to comfort you, then going without saying a word. You sighed, slumping in your chair as you felt the ache in your leg come back. 

This was going to be a long journey.

—-------------------

“Yeosang, I can’t exactly work with you hovering over my head.”

“Yeah, it’s not like you’ve been glaring daggers at the screen. You’ve been working so hard,” Yeosang’s voice dripped with sarcasm and you bare your teeth at him. 

It was two days later that you two were in the office, Yeosang dressed in all black, and you knew no one believed you when you said that he was your bodyguard- he looked far too… angelic and ethereal to pass as a mere bodyguard. You were chewing your pen as you stared at him. “Can’t you… I don’t know, appear less ethereal? More human?”

Yeosang turned towards you, surprised at the comment. He knew he drew attention everywhere he went, even in his human form- which only made him appear human as best as possible- but he hadn’t expected something like a compliment from you- even though it was backhanded. “Blinded by my visuals already?”

“As if,” you scoffed, “You’re too pretty to pass as a bodyguard. Should we have… made you my secretary too?”

“Never too late to add that in my resume,” Yeosang grinned, “Plus, I’ll die of boredom if I have nothing to do.”

“Well, I told you now is the time to go ahead and mingle with humans,” you said, “I’ll call you before I leave- do you even have a phone?”

Yeosang fished one out of the air, “Now I have. But… I don’t really know how to ‘mingle’.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, “You seemed perfectly fine approaching me.”

“You’re different,” he said, and the intensity with which he said that surprised you both, making you raise your brows as a demand for an explanation. Yeosang sighed, suddenly finding the outside view interesting as he continued, “Something about you makes it easier to talk… probably because you don’t treat me like a god, like any other human would if they found out that I was an angel.”

“Oh,” you shifted in your seat, “Ever happened before?”

“Yeah,” Yeosang pursed his lips, “A few years after I came into being. There was someone… she found out and it was not good. Thankfully a friend helped out and made her forget.”

Something about his tone made you wonder if she meant something to him, but you didn’t question that. “If you want, I could try worshipping you, but you know I’d suck at that big time. I only love myself.”

Yeosang smiled at that, then turned towards you, “You don’t love yourself. Don’t lie.”

“Oops,” you grinned, turning back to your work, your head still running the conversation you two had. 

That evening, after a tour of the city, you took him for dinner at your favourite barbeque place, the familiar environment giving you a sense of comfort. Yeosang watched as you ate and sighed in relief, smiling at how you seemed like a totally different person when eating, nodding to himself as he concluded that at least you did justice to your food.

Your pointy gaze made him bow his head in shame- all evening, you had made it your mission to get him to interact with someone- a passerby, someone in the club he found attractive, a kid even, but he kept clinging to you, and you had to stop in disbelief because were angels so innocent and human-interaction deprived? You asked him if he had angel friends, and he had a handful. Then what made mingling with humans so difficult?

“First of all,” Yeosang had said, “Humans are scary. Angels are innocent- we aren’t as cunning and dangerous as humans. You humans are closer to demons in nature than you are to angels. Rarely do we find a human soul as innocent or pure as an angel. Usually it’s the kids.”

You made a distasteful face as you recalled that, putting more meat in Yeosang’s bowl, “Tell me, just what did you have in mind when you said you wanted to stay on earth a little longer? Because I really don’t see you getting anywhere, to be honest.”

Yeosang nearly choked on his food, drinking water as he thought of an answer, “I don’t really know. It was more of an impulsive decision, plus… you’re interesting. I thought other humans would be too, but they’re more scary.”

“I don’t know if I should feel flattered or offended,” you gave a painful smile, “Well, let’s give up on trying too hard. Just go along with the flow of time, help me with uncovering the truth and let’s see where we stand after that, shall we?”

Yeosang nodded, and the two of you fell in casual conversation, sharing stories from your past as you ate, Yeosang telling you about some interesting humans he’d encountered in his life while you told him about your broken family and Dajeong, the only ray of sunshine you had in your life. You only realized you had been smiling the whole time when you were back home and alone in your own room.

You didn’t wipe that smile off.

—---------------

“It’s your brother,” Yeosang announced two days later when he entered your office after taking a break- which was him just wandering around in the office.

“Step-brother,” you corrected as you turned to him, “What do you mean?”

“I checked,” Yeosang sat on the sofa, looking angry- could angels get angry? “He’s the mastermind behind the accident.”

“Duh,” you rolled your eyes, “That’s not news to me. How did you know?”

“It involves eye contact- I compelled the truth out of him. Don’t worry, he won’t remember.”

“Oh,” you gulped, realizing that if he could compel the truth out of anyone, he could very well ask you about the trace any damn day, “but… we need to somehow make him admit it, we need evidence. I don’t care about the attempts on my life- I just need some sort of evidence that he’s the one behind Dajeong’s death, and I need to obtain it… in a way that is not supernatural.”

“But here’s the thing,” Yeosang pursed his lips, “He’s not the one behind the attempts on you.”

“He’s not?” You frowned- now that was news. “Must be some rival of this company?”

“Perhaps,” Yeosang agreed, “You should look into it.”

“I don’t really care, they’re lousy, but… I guess I should inform father. You don’t have any idea how to obtain evidence, do you? Legally?” 

“No,” Yeosang pouted, and you smiled to yourself- it was such an innocent action. “Sooo, I guess my job here is over…”

“Hey!” You gaped at him, “What exactly have you done?”

“Don’t forget the fact that I just confirmed that it’s your brother, so you don’t need to look into other people,” Yeosang said as a matter-of-factly. 

“Right,” you clenched your jaw, “So, what now?”

“What- oh,” Yeosang realized you were asking whether he still wanted to stay on earth, “I’ll just relax and… mingle, I guess.”

“Right,” you smirked, “Go ahead. Mingle. I need to hear your progress every night, okay? And if you don’t make progress… I’ll have to take matters into my own hands.”

Yeosang put one leg over the other cockily, “And what, exactly, would that entail?”

Yeosang found that out a week later. 

“This is a very bad idea,” he shook his head and you clenched his hair, earning a hiss of pain from him.

“I told you not to move, you’re making this more difficult than it has to be.”

You were styling his hair- trying to achieve that messy look that you’d seen on him- that had been natural, but you remembered thinking to yourself how good he looked in that hairstyle- not that he looked bad otherwise. He was always, always looking so handsome and ethereal that you sometimes found it hard not to daydream about him.

And you would never say it out loud, but you were getting used to his company. You were getting used to him, and that was bad, because he would move on and you’d be alone once again-

“This looks good,” Yeosang brought you back as he said that, turning his head in different angles, “But do I have to unbutton all the way till here?”

Your eyes went to his slightly exposed chest- god really had taken his time sculpting him. You took a deep breath, nodding, “It’s gonna make you look hot.”

“This is bad,” Yeosang’s deep voice went high as he said that, pacing around, and you scanned him- dressed in all black and a leather jacket, he looked dangerous. He abruptly turned to you, locking eyes with you. “You’re going with me.”

“I am,” you confirmed, but he shook his head.

“You’re going with me looking like this too,” he motioned at himself, “go get ready. You need this more than I do.”

You put your hands over your hips, “I do not.”

Yeosang scoffed, “You do, because you’re gonna stay on this earth and you’ll be all alone without me. I’ll move on. I don’t need this- I’m only doing this because… I’m not ready. I think.”

You raised a brow at that, choosing to ignore the obvious confusion of why he was still here, “Well… I guess I could dress up.”

You came out of your closet a few minutes later, dressed in all black too- a top with lacy borders, your own leather jacket in your hands as you pondered over whether you should wear it or not, wide pants and heels. Yeosang scanned you rather slowly, watching you as you went to the mirror and applied red lipstick and mascara, turning to him and holding the jacket up. “Yay or nay?”

“I think we should match,” Yeosang smiled a little as he took your jacket, making you wear it, looking at you from the mirror.

“That’s not gonna keep people away, pretty boy,” you grinned at him, “Let’s go?”

“One last thing,” Yeosang said, taking the clip that was holding your hair in a messy bun off, surprising you as you protested a little, your hair spreading down and he put some in the front. “Done.”

Yeosang didn’t know where the courage was coming from, but it made him feel… things. Your touch made his heart flutter, and the way you sometimes looked at him… 

He really needed to meet someone else tonight.

But what was the purpose, Yeosang wondered throughout the whole ride, was he looking for a relationship? Was he looking for a friend? 

“I don’t know why I’m here and why I’m doing this,” Yeosang muttered as he found himself on the dance floor with you after a few drinks.

“You’re doing this because you need to live a little,” you told him, straightening his shirt.

There it was. The heart skipping a beat. Yeosang sighed, “I’ve lived long enough.”

“You know what I mean, pretty boy,” you said as you put your arms on his shoulder while searching for options for Yeosang in the crowded dance floor, “You haven’t lived until you’ve broken the rules a bit and felt the thrill.”

“And when I burn to death?”

You smirked at him, “If I was you? I wouldn’t care about that. As long as I have something to live for, something that I enjoy… I wouldn’t mind, you know?”

“I’m not sure I understand,” Yeosang frowned, “Why would I willingly burn myself for the thrill?”

“You ask yourself that when, for instance, you fall in love with a human,” you said, looking at him now, “I haven’t been in love, but I know that if I was an angel and I fell for a human… I wouldn’t care about burning.”

“Well, I care,” Yeosang rolled his eyes, “I value my life, thank you very much. I wouldn’t want to hurt the human as well- do you think the human could move on after being loved by an angel?”

“Now that sounds like something with a backstory,” you wiggled your brows, making him roll his eyes once again.

“There was an angel once,” Yeosang sighed, “Who fell in love with a human. The human loved him back equally, if not more. The angel started to burn slowly. It’s like small burn marks appearing on your body, growing and consuming you alive unless you stop. So, the angel decided to stop. He took her memories.”

“Oh,” you took a good few seconds as you ran what he had said again in your head, “That’s… not you, is it? The angel?”

“No,” Yeosang let out a short laugh, “You know me- I can’t even talk to humans properly. It was someone we knew. It’s why we keep the story close to our hearts because we know what it’s like. The angel… love consumed him even after he took her memories. It is hard to leave a love behind, whether it’s with a human or an angel.”

“And the human?”

“She could never love again,” Yeosang smiled sadly, “She tried, but… she just couldn’t. She knew, in her heart, that she’d never feel as loved again.”

“That’s… incredibly sad,” your face fell visibly as you said that, and Yeosang smiled, “Is this really a bad idea then? Me finding you someone?”

“Honestly? I don’t want to find love on earth,” Yeosang admitted, “I just want to… try living like a normal human, I guess. I’ve heard that angels used to be humans who died an unfair death, so maybe that’s what’s keeping me here.”

“Well,” you smirked, “You know what normal humans do? They hook up with strangers,” you smirked dangerously, pointing behind him, “And I think she’s interested.”

Yeosang turned, following the direction of your finger to the girl you had pointed at. He shook his head, but you poked his stomach, “Come on. Loosen up. It’s the falling-in-love that’s forbidden, right? Here’s the loophole. Go live like a human with carnal desires.”

But Yeosang’s grip on your waist tightened, whether it was out of nervousness or the emphasis for what he was about to say, you didn’t know. “I think I’ll stay.”

He didn’t tell the reason, and he didn’t need to, as he fixed his eyes on you and took the lead as you swayed to the loud rhythm, and you figured you didn’t need an explanation- his eyes were lighter as if they were nearly glowing, and you felt his gaze burning and overwhelming, as if he could see right through you. 

“You’re one confused individual, Yeosang,” you were taking in his features as you said that, “I think you don’t know what you want or are too afraid to say it out loud.”

“Or both,” Yeosang shrugged, making you laugh a bit.

“Definitely,” you shook your head, “What am I gonna do with you?”

Yeosang hummed, bringing you a bit closer, and you raised a brow at his boldness, “You could forget that I’m an angel for a while, forget everything else and just… live in this moment.”

You nodded. You could definitely do that. But… you were growing nervous, and the pain was dull in your leg. “One last dance, Yeosang.”

He didn’t take his eyes off of you the entire time, and when the dance was over, you were both frustrated and relieved- relieved because your leg needed a break, and frustrated because…

You could have danced with him all damn night. 

Later when you got home, you two sat on the balcony, your leg resting on the table as you sipped on your coffee, while Yeosang read a history book, shaking his head as he kept saying ‘they’ve got it all wrong’. You turned to him a bit, “Are demons… real?”

Yeosang raised a brow at your question- you usually refrained from asking about stuff like that, whether because you weren’t interested or because you respected that it might be private information, but even when you did ask something… Yeosang respected you for how you were curious about different things than other humans.

“Yes, they are,” Yeosang leaned back, “One’s right in front of me.”

“Ha, ha,” you rolled your eyes, “Do they look like you? I mean, like… humans?”

“Only the higher demons, and that’s because they can look like whatever they want to,” Yeosang flipped a page, “But they’re… horrible. Don’t interact with them, ever.”

“Yeah,” you waved a hand dismissively, “I bet they look hotter than you.”

“They may look hotter than me, but they’ll feed off of you and kill you.”

“Maybe it’s about time I meet one,” you joked, “I should be gone for good now. You’ll really miss my good company when I’m gone.”

“And who said you’re good company?”

“If I wasn’t,” you leaned forward, “you wouldn’t be spending basically the whole day and night with me.”

Which was true- Yeosang was very, very used to you now, whether he liked it and admitted it or not. And he really couldn’t leave you alone. He claimed it was the boredom and the daily life of a human intrigued him, which was his excuse to follow you around everywhere- including your office, sometimes wearing glamour and becoming invisible to all but you so the people around you wouldn’t question his presence. Yeosang was more curious than you about how humans lived, how they felt, what mattered more to them, and in return he’d answer questions such as these.

"I don't spend all day and night with you."

"Oh sure you don't," you nodded, "it's not like you live in my home, it's not like you even accompany me to the office. Sure you don't, angel. Tell me, can angels lie?"

This was why Yeosang liked you- you were somehow someone who could handle him. You were always equipped with retorts- you weren't boring like the other humans were. It's why he found himself in your company more and more.

"They can lie," Yeosang told you, and you gasped.

"So if angels sin, why are they called angels?"

"Our lies are different from yours," Yeosang told you, folding his arms as he thought about how to phrase it. "When we lie, it's to protect. Lies are our last resort."

"Ah," you nodded, "So that's why you always say 'I can't answer that' when I ask something weird? Because you don't want to lie?"

“Yes,” Yeosang watched as you massaged your leg, “Is your leg hurting?”

“Not really,” you said, “You must know by now- it’s psychological. Whenever I become nervous or stressed or excited, it starts to hurt.”

“I can’t take the pain away completely, but…” Yeosang’s hand was hovering above your leg as he stopped for permission and you nodded, which was when he finally put a hand on your bare leg- it was warm. “I can take it away temporarily when it comes.”

You watched as he caressed your leg, the skin of his hand incredibly soft, and you felt the dull pain in your leg vanish. “Thank you.”

Yeosang smiled, “Do you wanna go somewhere?”

“Are you taking me somewhere?” 

Yeosang got up, helping you up as well, taking both of your hands in his, “Close your eyes.”

You frowned but obeyed, and when the cold air hit your face, you opened your eyes in surprise, “Did you just… teleport me?”

“Yep,” Yeosang grinned, “Don’t worry, we’re still in the country.”

“Wow,” you couldn’t help but turn around- it looked like you were at the peak of a hill, and there were no signs of a city or a town around- just nature, in its full glory, the moon and the stars brighter than ever. You hugged yourself when you felt a shiver run down your spine, feeling a weight on your shoulder- it was Yeosang draping his jacket and arm around your shoulder, making you sit on the soft grass. 

“Someone’s in a good mood,” you smiled, and he only brought you closer, his body warmth making you lean in gladly as you sat shoulder by shoulder. 

“I used to come here sometimes,” Yeosang admitted, “Thought I should see it with a friend too.”

Friend. You smiled, “I know how it feels like. I used to travel a lot with Dajeong, but ever since she’s gone, I just… stopped.”

“They say everyone you meet leaves something behind with you, but also takes something from you- a piece of their soul for a piece of yours,” Yeosang looked at you, “Dajeong seems to have taken a lot.”

“She did, and she left so much behind too,” you nodded slowly, “I didn’t use to be so sarcastic, you know.”

“I like that,” Yeosang laughed, “Do you miss her a lot?”

“I do,” your smile was sad, “I don’t have anyone left anymore, Yeosang. And I regret not telling her how much she meant to me. I regret a lot of things.I also regret trying to end my life thinking that it was the only solution. Dajeong would have been so ashamed of me.”

Yeosang let you have a moment as you wiped your wet eyes, sniffing, and then you looked at him, “Do you regret saving me?”

Yeosang tucked your hair behind your ears, his thumb caressing your cheek absently as he stared in your dark eyes. "Never."

A tear slipped out of your eye at that, and Yeosang caught it with his thumb, wiping it. "I want to scold you for being foolish, but I don't regret saving you. I don't think I could regret anything I do with you."

"Really? You're lying, Yeosang." You shook your head.

"Yeah, maybe I regret it sometimes, when you're being... you. But this? This thing we have? I don't regret that."

You had to look away at that, because he didn't know it but he was so good at saying sweet things like that and making your heart pound twice as fast. And the worst thing was, he didn't realize it.

Or so you thought.

Because Yeosang, he never knew something could excite him and make his heart a mess when he was with you. At first, he had thought it was just because it was his first time interacting with a human properly or something, but when the two of you were alone like this...

He really couldn't control himself.

Especially when you looked away- he loved to make you flush- it didn’t happen much, but when it did, it made him feel giddy. And he would be called a demon for that, but he loved playing with you like this, whatever this was. Yeosang planted a kiss on your forehead, and it made you suck your breath, especially when he drew back and caressed your face.

“You don’t realize it, but you were a gift to Dajeong when she was alive. And to me… you are a gift to me too.”

You couldn’t help but smile, resting your head on his shoulder so he couldn’t see the blush creeping up your face. You thanked him, though, as your arm snaked around his waist.

“Two lonely creatures of god, sitting under a tree, one human and one angel,” you sighed, “this sounds like the beginning of a poem.”

"Sounds like a beautiful poem," Yeosang smiled, "But you should start calling yourself a she-devil-"

You slapped his back, making him laugh out loud, the sound of it resonating in your head as you laughed along with him.

—----------------

It was two days later when you’d sent Yeosang ahead to get you your favourite brownies from the cafe in front of your office (angels made surprisingly obedient servants, you were realizing) that you felt something was wrong. You only had to meet up with him at the cafe so you could find brownies ready because you had a bad, bad day at work and you simply did not have the patience to go and wait for the brownies to arrive, and you reckoned it was your bad mood that made Yeosang agree to go ahead in the first place, and now… you were regretting it.

As you stepped out the building, you took out your cane not because you needed it but for self defence if required. You spent a good few seconds scanning the perimeter but finding nothing. Taking a deep breath, you started to cross the footpath-

It happened way too quickly to process.

One second you were walking with the cafe in front of your eyes, Yeosang’s back visible as he turned, and before he could make eye contact, before your lips had turned fully into a smile, you felt hands around your mouth, stifling your scream, your eyes widening and it only took a blink of your eyes as you found yourself on height-

Two stories up a building at the edge, and this time, you screamed despite the hand on your mouth, but you were frozen- if whoever this was let you go, you’d fall to your death.

“Let her go,” Yeosang’s voice was almost a growl.

“Not so easily, angel,” you felt the warm breath on your face and a shiver ran down your spine because there was no way to describe his voice other than slimy. “And I don’t think you’re in a position to negotiate- not when I can drop your pretty little human to death.”

He did turn then, to face Yeosang, and you saw his eyes glowing with fury, his hands fisted. “What do you want?”

“Well,” the man- if you could call it that anymore, tightened his grip around your waist, letting go of your mouth to hold your shoulder, “I guess you’ve forgotten how we were in similar situations a century ago. Only, I was the one in your place.”

Yeosang rolled his eyes, and you frowned- just what was going on? “Petty revenge? Is that what it is? You know perfectly well that it was my job from the higher-ups, don’t you? Why don’t you go fight with them?”

“You could have left her alone if you had a conscience,” the man growled, “but oh no, you had to be the good angel and do your job. Tell me, angel, how do you feel now?”

You found Yeosang’s eyes go to the cane in your hand and then he met your eyes as if trying to convey something, but it was quickly replaced with a steel gaze. “Go ahead, demon. You think she matters? She’s just a mere human I’m spending time with as I delay going to the afterlife. You take her, I find someone else, or I move on. Do I look like I care about her?”

“If you didn’t,” the demon chuckled, “you wouldn’t have followed me all the way here.”

“You know me,” Yeosang put his hands in his pockets, rather relaxed, and your grip around the cane tightened as you found the demon’s arm relaxing a tad bit, “Good angel instincts take over before I can think. Come on, you could do better than that.”

You’d had enough of the drama- you dig your nails harshly with your free hand and swirled the cane to hit the demon’s head, running away from his grasp as you ran to Yeosang, “This guy clearly doesn’t care about me,” you motioned to Yeosang as the demon glared at you, lunging at you but you raised your cane, “You’re one lousy demon.”

The demon laughed out loud, “You both think you’re good actors? Tell me, Yeosang, have you really forgotten who I am? What I am?”

“Slimy demon,” you muttered as you wiped your arms, shivering as you took in his appearance- tall and dangerous and dark. You felt Yeosang near you, holding your arm protectively and you raised a brow as if to say ‘now you care?’

“I’m the demon of time, son. I’ve marked her because if not today, she’ll mean something to you in the future and that’s when I’ll come. Be prepared.”

With that, the demon disappeared in a smoke, and Yeosang sighed, turning you around and scanning you in detail, and you made a face at him. “Finally you care?”

Yeosang groaned as he rolled his eyes, “Don’t pretend you don’t know that I was acting.”

You smiled at that, shrugging away, “I’m fine.”

“I need to check if you’re scratched anywhere,” Yeosang shook his head, “It would be bad if he did.”

“Like how your cuts didn’t heal?” You asked and he nodded.

“But worse, because poison. My cuts were supposed to be decoration for your skin.”

You gaped at him, “I hope that was a really bad joke, Yeosang, I really do.”

Yeosang didn’t say anything, sighing when he finally stood straight and faced you, his face full of worry, “Are you okay?”

You realized then that you weren’t standing on your own anymore, you were using the cane and his arms for support, your body finally catching up with the shock. “I’m… okay.”

“Come here,” Yeosang almost whispered as he embraced you, your arms going around his waist as you rested your head on his chest and could hear his loud heart, “I’m sorry you had to go through that, I truly am.”

“It’s okay, I’m just glad you didn’t ditch me for the brownies,” you mumbled and Yeosang’s body shook as he laughed, squeezing you tighter in the hug like a kid before letting you go. 

“Come on, you’ll need the sugar. Close your eyes.”

You did and Yeosang transported you two to the empty lane behind the cafe, going inside the cafe, apologizing at the counter for delay and picking up the brownies, bringing them to your table with an extra cup of coffee. “Right on time.”

You smiled, digging right in- you really needed the sugar before you’d start panicking. “I still can’t believe he was an actual demon- he was, right?” Yeosang nodded and you wowed, “He looked normal enough. If his voice wasn’t so weird and he didn’t smell funky he’d pass as one hell of a hottie.”

“I can’t believe you just said that,” Yeosang threw his spoon back as he sat back to glare at you, and you laughed.

“Don’t worry, he’s not my type.”

Yeosang pretended to leave and you laughed, pulling him back, “I’m joking, it’s just how I cope with stress, okay? You’d rather I panic and start crying right here?” 

Yeosang considered for a moment and then sat back, making you mumble ‘thought so’. He shook his head, “I’ll admit, demons can look… somewhat charming when they want to. It’s how they lure humans.”

“What was he talking about though?” You asked, “What’s this century old business that he’s remembering now?”

“He’s the time demon and if he says he’s marked you…” Yeosang was thinking as he sipped on the coffee, forgetting that it was yours and you didn’t point it out, “It means… he wasn’t lying. And he marked you which means he might be the one who’s been teasing you with those incidents you’ve had after Dajeong’s death- lame attempts to make it less obvious but make you aware nonetheless.”

“Wasn’t lying about what?” You asked.

“That… you’d mean something to me in the future, which is why he’s after you to come at me.”

“I’m just hurt I don’t mean anything to you right now,” you were genuinely hurt but you pouted pretending you were joking. Yeosang scoffed.

“You don’t realize that he could have meant various things by that, do you? What exactly are you implying?”

“Nothing,” you waved a hand in dismissal, ignoring the smirk on his face as you put your elbows on the table, resting your face in your hands, “What are we gonna do now?”

“We do nothing except stay alert,” Yeosang said, “You’ll do nothing. I’ll… think and do something.”

“How dangerous is he?”

“Dangerous enough and then some,” Yeosang’s voice was grim, “I can’t win against him alone.”

“Oh,” you gulped, “I hope you have a good few strong angel friends."

You noticed just how distracted Yeosang was the whole day and the next, not talking much, just thinking and thinking. You couldn't take it anymore after that.

"Okay," you got up from your desk, "we're taking a damn break. I can't focus on anything when you look like someone stole your candy. Come on, we're forgetting everything for a while and relaxing."

Yeosang narrowed his eyes at you, "I'm not going to that damned club again."

"I'm not taking you there," you grinned, "Let's go to the beach."

Yeosang made a face but you shut him up, going to your closet and packing a bag of everything you'd need. You didn't intend to swim but you'd take a change of clothes in case these got wet. A hat, another for Yeosang, your sunglasses, and you were done. You basically dragged him to the kitchen as you packed another bag of snacks, bickering back and forth with each other and slapping each other's hands repeatedly, and Sierra who have been watching from a distance decided not to interrupt after all when she saw the smiles on your faces- she really didn't want to ruin the moment, though she did give you both suggestive eyebrow wiggles when you finally settled in the car to leave.

"I'm driving," Yeosang announced and you let him, taking the passenger seat and rolling the window down once you took the highway, your hair blowing as you hummed to the music on the radio. Yeosang couldn't help but sneak glances at you once in a while. 

"How come you know how to drive when you don't need a car?" You suddenly asked, "Do you even have a licence?"

Yeosang fished one out of the air and you rolled your eyes at how dramatic he was, "You'll get home in one piece, worry not."

"Do angels know other human activities too? Like cooking? Or… I don't know, painting? Can you write? Can you speak other languages?"

"I can do everything you can think of," Yeosang flaunted.

"Except being entertaining, it seems."

"You just have a bad taste of entertainment," Yeosang said, and you rolled your eyes, shutting up when your destination arrived.

You got out of the car, stretching hard and smiling in satisfaction because you had no one else here- it's why you always came to this part of the beach. It was usually always empty. "Great weather today, isn't it- oooh."

Yeosang was wearing sunglasses now- how did he look pretty in everything? He ran a hand through his hair as he rolled his sleeves and you internally swooned, cursing yourself because no, you could not have the hots for an angel. He looked at you, unbeknownst to the effect he had on you as he approached you casually, "Let's soak our feet."

The two of you found a rock to sit on, your legs soaking in the waves that came back and forth with the wind, and you sighed in satisfaction. "It's been too long since I came here."

"It's a good spot," Yeosang nodded, "You should come here often, you're already less cranky now."

"I should," you laughed, "The sunset is pretty too."

Yeosang nodded, turning his face to the sunset, his fingers brushing yours playfully as the two of you watched the sunset, sorting your thoughts out. You offered him some snacks which he declined, instead extending his hand. "Walk with me?"

You took his hand, the two of you walking along the shore, all giggles and mischievous grins when a wave would hit your feet and you'd spray each other. Yeosang squeezed your hand, "Thanks for bringing me here and… everything you've done for me. No human has been so good to me and none has been such a good friend."

"You're welcome, sir," you teased, loving how sunkissed he looked right now, "Thanks for what you do for me too. You've done more than you could imagine."

"Good to hear," he smiled, "You know what I like about you? You're not asking me weird questions or not taking advantage of me. Humans do that, you know. I thought you'd too at some point, but… I guess you care."

"Well, any human who did otherwise doesn't know how good you are," you shrugged, "They lost a good friend."

"Ah, when you say it like this," Yeosang fanned himself and you slapped his arm.

"Don't let it get to your head," you grinned.

"Well, I'm feeling myself today, so go on. Compliment me. I won't judge."

"Really?" You raised a brow, more in surprise when he turned, putting his arms on your shoulders as he swayed around, making you laugh. "Okay, well… you make a good errand boy."

Yeosang rolled his eyes, "And?"

"You're also not a painful sight to see, you know what I mean? Like, when I need to zone out, I can just stare at you instead of staring at something boring like the walls, you know?"

"Ah, are we playing this game? Should I tell you how much of a pain in my ass you are?"

You poked his stomach, "Shh. Okay, you're… not boring. You answer my questions."

"You ask nice questions."

"Yep," you nodded, taking a deep breath when you looked at him- the faint sun glow was making him look painfully beautiful. "You know what? You're beautiful, inside and out, and sometimes it's unbelievable. Sometimes I think you're not real, that you're just a character I've made up in my head to cope with whatever was going on. It makes me want to cry too, because I don't deserve you. I should tell you about the trace and tell you to move on, but I want to keep you to myself a little longer, if not forever."

Yeosang was surprised by your sudden confession, and you were blushing at this point as you shrugged, mumbling 'you asked for it' and Yeosang sighed, his hands snaking down your arms to hold your hands. 

"I'm real…" he gave your hands a squeeze, "And I… I could ask you about the trace. I could force it out from you but somehow… the only thing keeping me here is not the trace but you."

You frowned in confusion but then he brought your hands to his face, making you cup it, "I'm real, aren't I?" You nodded, dazed, and he continued, "You could keep me forever here. We both know we're only pretending that the trace is holding me back anyway."

You tilted your head in confusion as you ran his words in your head, and he leaned in to your touch, "Forget about whether you deserve me or not. I don't feel like I'm good enough for you."

"Yeosang- you're an angel. You are too good for me. Why would you think that?"

"I don't know," Yeosang's voice was barely a whisper, "I don't know what you're doing to me, but you make me feel… undeserving. You make me want to become better even when I'm an angel. I mean, I couldn't get better than this, could I?" He let out a laugh, "And yet…"

He brought one of your hands down to his chest, making you feel his heartbeat, "This is what you've done to me, and now I don't know what to do about it."

You bit your lips, smiling at him and then shaking your head when his gaze was too much, "Don't do anything. Especially not anything stupid."

Yeosang laughed, and you patted his face, about to draw away but he put an arm on your back and brought you unbelievably closer, gazing down at you, his lashes casting shadows on his face. God, he was making you feel things. You stared at him, shaking your head slightly in disbelief. "You're treading on dangerous waters- unintentional pun."

Yeosang smirked, "If I be damned, so be it."

"No, angel," you straightened his shirt, "You're gonna move on like a good angel. I'm gonna carry on with my life- Yeosang… Don't make me go there if you can't stay. Don't make it harder for me."

Yeosang caressed your hair, "I want to ruin you and myself. I want to burn, and you won't let me?"

"No," it took every ounce of your energy to say it, "I don't want you to burn. I would never do that to you, you understand?"

"I don't," Yeosang looked incredibly sad as he hugged you, swaying you back and forth and you inhaled, wanting nothing else but to stay in these arms forever where you felt safe and loved. "I should move the hell on, shouldn't I?"

You squeezed him tighter, "Stay a little longer, will you?"

Yeosang drew back at that, pinching your nose because your confused face was so cute, then kissing your forehead, lingering there. "Thank you."

----------------

"If you make that loud noise one more time, I'll ask security to accompany- no, throw you out," you glared at Yeosang.

"Security got nothing on me, human," Yeosang continued munching on his chips loudly, "Plus, it's no fun if you don't eat snacks like these loudly."

Your jaw clenched and unclenched as you wondered what to do with him, sitting in your office with feet on the table like he was the boss of you. You even considered revealing the trace so he would move the hell on.  "Why are you still here again? I mean, on earth and not moving on?"

"Well," Yeosang tried to remain serious but ended up smirking, "there's the threat on your head. I can't move on without doing something about it."

"Right," you hid your face as you smiled, "And the threat won't disappear if you just move on, eh?"

"Nope," the amusement in Yeosang's voice was thick, "What if you get hurt when I'm gone?"

You looked up at that, "No bullshit about 'all that happens is meant to happen' anymore?"

Yeosang laughed, munching on his chips haughtily, "You're not used to people actually worrying about you, are you?"

You shrugged, going back to work- or trying to, but all you could think about was how you'd cope with his absence when he would be gone. You looked at him wiping his fingers and folding the wrapper neatly before making it disappear with a wave of his hand. He caught you staring at him, raising an eyebrow in question.

"Yeosang…" you shifted in your chair, "When you're ready to move on… you won't make me forget everything about you like you did before, would you?"

Yeosang scanned your face for an answer, finding only confusion, "Not if you don't want me to."

"Oh," you nodded slowly, "And… what do you think would be better?"

"Depends on you," Yeosang's voice was cautious, "I could make you forget but…"

"But you wouldn't want to?"

You saw Yeosang's fists clenching and unclenching- oh, he was holding himself back. "I… I'll be back. If I'm late, go home without me."

Before you could say a word, he was gone and you sighed as you sat back. As if on cue, a knock sounded and you asked them to come in.

"Your brother's here to see you."

Now that was new. You nodded, Dohyun entering with a cheeky smile, looking around. "Where's that pretty plaything of yours?"

Two could play that game, "I see that old hag isn't following you around these days. Finally decided you prefer younger women?"

Dohyun scoffed, taking a seat, "Let's talk… business."

"I have literally nothing to talk to you about," you joined your hands, "so go on."

"You should call off your men. What you're looking for… you won't find."

You frowned. Men? What was he talking about? "You've got the wrong person, Dohyun."

Dohyun fixed his watch as he glared at you, "Are we forgetting about how you've been blaming me for your friend's death since years? And now you're sending your goons to do some sniffing around?"

Your frown must have been obvious because now Dohyun was confused too. You shook your head, "Yeah, I did blame you, I didn't find proof so I shut up. But what's got your panties in a twist now? Who's sniffing around?"

Dohyun scanned you for a good while before sighing, "Someone went to the station and asked for the case files and specifically brought my name into the mess. You're telling me that's not you? I don't believe you for a second."

"Now that's interesting," you were smirking, "Tell me, is there someone else who'd want to ruin you- other than me? There must be people, Dohyun, you haven't been exactly on the good side. If there's someone who has a reason to, you better tell me. Because they might be connected to Dajeong's case."

Dohyun thought about it- he had caused the accident, so who exactly was sniffing around if not you? He couldn't exactly admit that he was behind this, that he had only intended to hurt you and not kill you all together, that something had gone really, really wrong and he too had been living with the guilt. So he only got up, straightening his suit, "I'll… look into it and see who's sniffing around. I'll handle it, but if it's you-" he was pointing his finger at you and you raised your hands in surrender, making him draw back with a sigh, leaving the room.

This was getting really interesting.

---------------------

It was almost midnight and Yeosang still hadn't come back home. 

You were wondering just what was wrong- was it something you had said? Did he perhaps move on? But he couldn't. So just where was he?

Even though you did not want to worry because he could be out for a walk or to relax or to take a breather from you or 'mingling' with people finally, you couldn't help but feel anxious, pacing in your room until your leg started to hurt and then sitting in the balcony, waiting and waiting.

You had almost dozed off when you heard an almost painful groan, turning abruptly and seeing-

"Yeosang, oh god," you got up abruptly as you saw just what state he was in- messy, a painful expression on his face and… injured. "What happened?"

Yeosang winced in pain as you touched his arm, "Not here- let's go to a room."

You took him to your room, making sure the path was clear and then making him sit on your bed as you scanned his body, "Were you in an accident or a fight?"

His eyes held guilt and you understood, and you lightly slapped his head, making him glare at you, "Angels are supposed to be the good guys and not fight. What got you in a fight?"

"I can't tell, and you should treat me first anyway."

You narrowed your eyes at him, taking a fancy looking bottle from him that he explained was a medicine to speed up the healing- something you shouldn't come in contact with because it would burn you. You took a cotton bud, applying it to his wounds one by one, watching with wonder as they healed in minutes, stitching themselves back just like yours had. Then he turned, unbuttoning his shirt and letting it down so you could apply it on his back, a large cut that looked like-

"It was him, wasn't it?" You finally asked, "The time demon. You went after him."

Yeosang didn't answer again- he couldn't lie, so he would keep his mouth shut. You sighed, pulling his shirt up his shoulders when the last wound stitched itself back, then turning him so he was facing you, putting the medicine aside and pulling his chin up with your fingers, making him look at you in the eyes as you straightened his hair. "Why?"

Yeosang was determined to keep his mouth shut, and you shook your head, smiling at how stubborn he could be. "I'm gonna make some wild assumptions and if I'm wrong, you can tell me so, yeah? So, did you go after him to get some revenge?"

Yeosang shook his head no, and you caressed his cheek, his light brown orbs almost golden.

"Did you go after him to get some answers?"

This time, he didn't answer. You continued caressing his face and hair, "You wanted to know something about how long he's been after me?"

"That's a yes and no," Yeosang was smiling, leaning in to your touch, and you internally sighed as your heart basically sank all the way down, maybe even 6 ft under you- you could stay like this forever. 

"And… you wanted to know about the thing he talked about- about how I'm supposed to mean something to you-"

"You already mean a lot to me," Yeosang held your wrists and brought your hands down as he caressed them, his head down, "I… I can't do this anymore. I want to take this step and yet… you're holding me back."

You looked up as you sighed, "I don't want to put you in pain, Yeosang. I don't want you to hurt because of me, I don't want to be selfish-"

"I'm hurting more right now, don't you realize?" Yeosang's brows were furrowed, "There's no way I could hurt more than this. So tell me, what's holding you back now?"

You pursed your lips, "What will I do when you… burn, just because I had feelings for you? What will I do when something happens to you?"

Yeosang was smiling in satisfaction- you'd finally said it out loud. He got up, planting a kiss on your forehead and then letting go. "I can move on then. Right now. I know what the trace is- I was just pretending not to. So I guess this is goodbye-"

"No-" you stopped, almost crying out of frustration, your arm extended as if to stop him, and Yeosang did it then. He grabbed your arm, bringing you in for an embrace, and you felt like you could disintegrate right there. His arms were secure around you and you felt every breath he took in your bones. 

"I don't care about the consequences. I'm already damned. There's no way I can go back now, without knowing what it was to love you, so please, just… let me love you."

You drew apart a little, looking into his eyes for any sign of doubt or second thoughts, and finding none, you brought his face closer, your noses caressing as you tried to calm your beating heart but how could you, when his grip around your waist tightened and he leaned right in, kissing you innocently at first and then almost growling as he kissed you again with pressure, abandoning the hold around your waist and holding your face instead, his fingers in your hair and on your neck and you clenched onto his open shirt as you kissed him back and you instantly knew with a small amount of regret along with the overwhelming satisfaction-

That there was absolutely no way you could recover from this. You were ruined, ironically, by an angel, and you could never love someone else after this.

You broke apart for breath, grinning when you saw the cheeky smile on his face, not saying anything but making him sit back on the bed as you sat on him, drawing his shirt back playfully as you peppered kisses on his face, his hands massaging your legs, your hands holding his face as you shook your head. "What am I gonna do with you, pretty boy?"

"I'd suggest some things but I'm sure they'd be inappropriate-"

"Ah, you sound… devilish," you grinned, kissing him again and he held your waist as you leaned into the kiss, your lips locking as if meant for each other, and you couldn't take how his kisses made your skin tingle, made you feel like you were high and on the clouds, and you never wanted to break apart, cursing yourself internally because you were human and had to breathe. 

"I think I know the reason this is 'forbidden'," you said, "I feel like I'm high on some really good drug. I want to keep feeling like this."

"I know what you mean," Yeosang nodded, "With angels and humans… we feel everything on a higher magnitude than we would with our own." 

You nodded, letting Yeosang pull you on the bed next to him, letting him get on top of you as he kissed you some more, excruciatingly slow and passionate that made your legs numb, every kiss on your skin making you shiver and moan, and then he pulled you in his arms, pecking your forehead as he mumbled sweet nothings until you both fell asleep in each other's arms.

-------------------

"Miss- oh," Sierra cleared her throat as she entered and saw you getting ready and Yeosang still recovering from his sleep, his shirt unbuttoned and chest exposed, "Well, well."

"Sierra," you smiled at her as if Yeosang waking up in your room wasn't an odd sight, "Good morning to you too."

"Can I just say, about fucking time-"

"Sierra," you glared at her but laughed at how she cursed- it was the first time you heard profanity from her mouth, "What brings you here in a rush?"

"I have your brother on hold- why don't you have each other's number?"

"Because he's an asshole," you said, frowning as you took the phone from him, "I hope you heard that."

"Good morning to you too, sis," Dohyun said, "Just wanted to let you know that you might wanna look into your driver."

"My driver- what? Mr. Lee? Why?"

"Just… meet me in the office. I have something to tell you."

You frowned as he ended the call, waiting for Sierra to go before looking at Yeosang and telling him what just happened."

"Should I… feel him out?"

"No… Mr. Lee is… normal? He's been my driver and bodyguard of sorts ever since-"

Yeosang raised a brow as you paused, "Ever since…?"

"After Dajeong's death," you looked at him, "Are you sure Dohyun's the one behind Dajeong's death? What's a possible loophole in your whole compelling thing?"

"Well, he believes so," Yeosang said, "And that is the loophole. Anything he believes as the truth. He feels guilty too."

"We need to get to the office."

The whole ride to the office was rather quite, which was unusual because you and Yeosang were always nonsensical bickering during the morning. You only stared at Mr. Lee- the middle-aged driver who apparently worked for your dad before working for you.

It was half an hour later that Dohyun entered your office, looking at Yeosang as if to send him out, and Yeosang pretended to go but returned with glamour, invisible to all but you, giving you the thumbs up. Dohyun cleared his throat, sitting down.

"I'm only going to say this once, so you better hear me good," he said.

"Depends on what you tell me."

"Look, I was… involved in the accident 5 years ago. I had some part of it, but it wasn't supposed to happen," he looked at you and you could tell it was taking him a lot to actually say it, which meant there had to be something bigger than this, "I only meant to scare you. You were always riding those bikes and I just intended to scare you a little- no accident. But then everything happened, and I couldn't believe it, I thought I killed the poor girl. It took me months to finally accept my mistake, especially because I couldn't find the driver. You know how he went missing. But… the man I had actually put up with the job of only scaring you… he called me after a few months. He told me he had been on the run, that there was someone else that day who had stolen his car and caused that accident, and then he's been hell bent on getting rid of him."

"Okay, wait…" you processed everything as you stared at the blank page in front of you, "You thought it was you? You sounded like you were guilty a few days ago too."

"That's because of the phone call," Dohyun was fidgeting with his fingers, "It was vague. The man told me he wasn't behind this, that someone was after him. I thought this was his way of dealing or coping with the accident that he caused, that it was his guilt speaking, until…"

"Until?"

"He died. He was in an accident too. I only found out a few months ago. At first I wasn't suspicious, because accidents happen, you know? But with the person sniffing around on the case again… I knew something was horribly wrong."

"And what, exactly, did you find?" You were glad that your voice hadn't cracked.

"Mr. Lee, your driver," Dohyun's eyes were full of pity, "He might have been the one behind it. I don't have definite proof right now, but I did a background check- remember that one time when dad had his son fired just because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time? After making a scene and humiliating him?"

You nodded after a second- it happened when you were young and you'd heard some rumours about it. Dohyun continued, "His son was being bullied by his colleagues too. He was still a student, part timing here. He couldn't take it anymore. He committed suicide, and that's when Mr. Lee took a break. He returned as your driver right after Dajeong's death, didn't he?"

You felt nauseous now as you nodded, dreading what you were about to hear, "He's keeping an eye on you, on everyone. He's keeping an ear out for the rumour. He didn't intend to kill Dajeong. His target was you, because it would be… eye for an eye. He blamed the company, tried to sue us but returned with a clean slate- why would he return to the place his son died?"

You were glad Yeosang was behind you and rubbing your shoulders in comfort because you would have thrown up otherwise. "Dohyun… I… if this is one of those sick games of yours-"

"It's not," Dohyun glared at you but you could see the pain in his eyes, "Do you know how much courage it took me to dig into this again and tell you after years of holding it in and thinking I was a murderer? I care for you, whether you like me or not. You're still my half- sister, even if you're a stubborn bitch."

"Well, thank you," you said sarcastically but your voice was weak, "what do we do, Dohyun? Why hasn't he tried to kill me again?"

"I thought about it, and the only possible explanation is that either he's looking for a chance to take us both down together- kill two birds with one stone- or, he's trying to find something big, something he'd use to expose us. To ruin the company. Anything like that."

You finally let out a sob, putting a hand over your mouth as you rushed to the sink, heaving out the contents of the little breakfast you had, and though Yeosang was rubbing your back and comforting you, he let Dohyun do it instead when he came for you.

"I'm sorry that all of this happened. I'm to blame too. I never meant to hurt you or Dajeong. I used to play with you two when we were in elementary, remember? I would never hurt her or you- I'm human."

You wiped and rinsed your mouth, nodding. "I've hated you ever since Dajeong's death, because nothing else made sense. You know what I mean, right?"

"I know… I hated me too," Dohyun admitted, and you passed a sad smile- he was a victim in this too. 

"What do we do?"

"I've got men on it- they'll find something soon, don't worry about that. I'll take care of everything, just… you have to do me a favour. You have to act normal around him till we find something. Do not let him suspect anything. He's too clever. Can you do that?"

"I don't know," you looked at Yeosang and he nodded- he'd help you. "I'll try."

"You're a good actor," Dohyun teased, "You can do this. You have to."

You were glad Yeosang was with you- holding your hand all the way back home and talking with you about random stuff, distracting you, grabbing your attention whenever you tried staring at Mr. Lee. 

"This is so messed up," you slumped on the couch in your room while Yeosang asked Sierra to bring you something light to eat- perhaps a salad, because you weren't feeling well. "I cannot believe I've put my trust in the very man who killed my best friend."

"You couldn't have known," Yeosang shook his head, "Even I couldn't have known."

Yeosang made you eat a few spoons and drink water, and then held you as he gave you assuring squeezes, "Dohyun is going to handle it. You should just… sit back on this one. I know Dohyun has reason enough to see this to the end."

"You felt him out?" You looked at Yeosang, who was failing to stifle his smile.

"I might have, and I might have learned that Dohyun used to have a small crush on your friend."

You laughed sarcastically at first but then it turned to real laughter when you recalled how Dohyun used to tease her a lot, always tried to join you two when you were little. "That's… sad."

You wiped the tears that threatened to come out. "I… I need a break from all of this."

"And that can be arranged. You deserve it. Let's go somewhere, just you and me." Yeosang was caressing your face, "Let's live… and love."

You bit your lips at the tempting offer, but then your face fell, "Are you okay though? You don't feel any… burning sensation or something? Was that a bluff?"

"I'm okay," Yeosang assured you, "And I'll be okay. Don't think about that, will you?"

You kissed him, a few tears of guilt escaping your eyes and Yeosang wiped all of that away, holding you as he made plans to take you to his favourite places- he had a brilliant idea of teleporting you wherever you wanted, but you insisted that if he had to live like a human, he had to travel like one too.

And you did, long car rides to the beaches and the mountains, taking planes to all the beautiful sights in the country, walking through the streets for hours and hours, enjoying the street food, buying each other silly gifts like heart sunglasses or funny hats and then daring each other to wear it the whole day.

You had never laughed till your cheeks hurt and you had never loved so much that it made you cry because loving an angel, you found, was beyond overwhelming. And as you took a step further in your relationship, you both found yourself excited and terrified.

Excited because it was something new for you two, because every time he touched you, you felt warm, every time he kissed you, it felt like you could die, and Yeosang could say the same for you because he, too, had never loved like this and he could never.

But you were more terrified for him than he was. It was like he would willingly burn for you, and though you couldn't see it physically, you knew something was wrong. He tried to pretend he was as lively as ever but he was growing weaker, and you couldn't bring yourself to stop loving him just like he couldn't. It was like a candle and a fire- made for each other, and you knew that if one would vanish, the other would have no reason to exist either.

It was one night when Yeosang was sleeping that you came outside- you were at a cabin on the beach. You gazed at the full moon for a long time, hoping the wind would take away all the fear in your heart. 

You didn’t know how long you stood there thinking when you felt Yeosang approach you, smiling when he wrapped his arms around you in a back-hug. “What are you doing out? It’s cold.”

“Taking a breather from you,” you teased, and Yeosang pretended to be hurt. You sighed, wondering if you should tell him.

“Yeosang… Can we talk?”

“If it’s about what I think it is, nope,” Yeosang buried his nose at the crook of your neck. You rolled your eyes because he could be very stubborn, but…

“Yeosang… I think you should move on before something happens to you.”

“And there it is,” Yeosang mumbled, “I can’t hear you right now.”

“Yeosang,” you turned, almost crying, “You’re not yourself anymore- you’re not the lively, strong, active person that I met. I can see it, and I know you can feel it too. You’re hurting, and I can’t take it.”

“If I can take it, then you can too.”

“No,” you shook your head, “Think about me, will you? If something happens to you because of me, do you think I will be able to live with myself?” Yeosang’s eyes were incredibly sad as he looked at you, and you continued, “I wouldn’t want to live anymore- not after everything that’s happened. I can’t live without you if something happens to you because of me, but I think I can live with myself if you move on and I know that I saved you.”

Yeosang caressed your face, “Do you think I could ever find peace, and… happiness- whatever we think afterlife holds us for- if I move on? What will I do? If I’m without you for eternity, what will I do, love? You’ll live your short human life and die and maybe we could meet in the heavens-”

“Not if I go to hell,” you mumbled, and Yeosang pinched your nose.

“This is no time to joke. I cannot move on with the hope that maybe, if I’m lucky, I might meet you up there after you die. I simply cannot move on knowing that there’s a chance that we might never reunite again.”

“But… I cannot hold you back here, I cannot let something happen to you. I cannot be selfish.”

“You don’t have to be,” Yeosang’s voice was rough, “I’ll be selfish. You know why? Because I cannot move on knowing that you’d be living here without me hovering around you every minute. I cannot move on knowing that you’ll be looking at other people with the hope of finding love-”

“I could never love after this, you know that,” you put your head on his chest and he ran his fingers through your hair. 

“I cannot leave you behind knowing that you’ll be sad. I could make you forget, but… I am selfish, and if I move on, I would not want you to forget. But I cannot make you live with the pain, so… I’m not going anywhere.”

“That’s a very twisted logic.”

“Shh,” Yeosang smiled, pulling your face up with his fingers, “How beautiful you are, love. I don’t regret a single second of us, and I could never. If I burn loving you, so be it. If your kiss is the last thing I feel, I’d be the happiest.”

You rolled your eyes but kissed him, letting him pick you up and you straddled his waist as he kissed you back, still holding your face just as tenderly as the first time but a newfound desire in the way he kissed you this time, and perhaps it was the romantic breeze caressing you both that made you bolder, made you drop off only to push him back on the sand, kissing each other like it was the last time, and when Yeosang bent upwards, shirt off, he let his wings free, and you marvelled at the sheer majestic size of it. 

“They’re beautiful,��� you ran your fingers across them, making him shiver, “You’re beautiful, Yeosang. I don’t know what you see in bland old me.”

“I see you differently than you do,” Yeosang kissed your temple, “And that’s enough for me.”

You straddle him again as you kissed him and his wings wrapped around your bare skin. You let the feathers cut at your skin everywhere even though Yeosang tried to hold back, and he had to draw away as he looked at you finally, small cuts decorating your skin, and he was terrified, because how could he hurt you?

“I’m okay,” you laughed at his expressions and he glared at you but healed every single cut with a kiss, and when he was done, he put his head on your lap, suddenly tired. You kissed his forehead.

“You’re growing old,” you teased.

“I’m just taking a breather before I make you mine tonight.”

If one sentence could make you moan, this was it. You had to look up at the sky to stifle it with a bite of your lips, and Yeosang tugged you down, mumbling dirty little things in your ear no angel should have been allowed to say till he finally caught his breath and did exactly what he had whispered in your ear in detail.

And as he made love to you for the first and the last time, you really couldn’t have known. Yeosang knew though. He knew he had little time with you. And he would be called a devil for it but he simply couldn’t fade away without imprinting himself on you, without knowing what it felt like to be one with the love of his life. He needed to feel how you’d clench at his hair through the pain, slice open your skin of your hands as you ran them passionately across his wings, he needed to feel every little sensation. 

And when he was done, he kissed you so slowly you cried. He drew back with a wet face, and as you wiped his tears, he told you he was sorry.

“For what?”

“For being selfish,” he said.

“I love it when you’re selfish, Kang Yeosang,” you called him by his full name- something he’d told you one of those nights when you slept in his arms, apparently his human name, “I love you, Kang Yeosang.”

Yeosang shut his eyes and you frowned as his skin got noticeably hotter, no time to comprehend anything as he pulled your shirt over you with a hug, telling you that he was glad he had met you and that he wished he had longer with you.

You couldn’t hold in your sobs when your hand passed right through him, as if he wasn’t real, as if he was just a figment of your imagination. The last thing you felt was a kiss to your forehead as he told you that he would love you even when he would not exist, and you did not know how long you simply sobbed as he disappeared right in front of your eyes, your wails ringing through the empty beach, crying because he left you all alone here, rushing to your bag that had Yeosang’s feather, the trace that you kept everywhere-

It was still there. And it made you sob harder, because you were only left with a feather, a reminder of his existence, and you were so, so cold without his embrace.

You heard a rustling, turning to see another man, his wings drawing in- an angel. You frowned, getting scared for a moment but he raised his hands as if to tell you that it was alright. 

“I’m Seonghwa, Yeosang’s friend- he must have told you about me.”

You tried recalling, taking a deep breath as you pushed in your tears, “Yeah- I think he did.”

Seonghwa draped your jacket on your shoulders as he sat next to you, “I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain. He asked me to come if something happened.”

“I’m sorry,” you cried, holding the feather to your chest, “He’s… gone. I’m all alone once again, I told him to make me forget him if it ever came to that, but he’s selfish, he shouldn’t have left me, he shouldn’t have loved me.”

Seonghwa let you cry as he rubbed your back, “There’s a reason you’re here right now with the memory of him. Whenever angels interact with humans, they take away their memory. If you’re still here with all the lovely memories… you were meant to love him, dear. He was meant to find you.”

You looked at Seonghwa, “I… am a mere human. How will I ever live with the memory of him, knowing what it feels like to love him? I cannot take it.”

“Humans do not understand, but they’re never given more than what they can take,” Seonghwa told you, “And you… you’re different, Yeosang said.”

You let out a short laugh, “I don’t know what’s different about me.”

“I know,” Seonghwa narrowed his eyes at you, “I don’t feel anything different from you… perhaps he was lovestruck when he said that? But he told me that just a few interactions later…”

“What are you on about? You’re being… cryptic.”

“Is that Yeosang’s feather?” Seonghwa almost screamed, and you looked confused as you held it in front of him.

“Yeah? The trace he left? I plucked it out when he saved me on his mission?”

“It shouldn’t be here,” Seonghwa said, “He- I’m sorry to ask this, but I must know, he burned, right?”

“Ouch, yeah,” you wiped your tears, “his skin got all hot and then my hand went through him and he… faded.”

“You’re telling me he didn’t catch fire? He did not literally burn?”

“I… did not realize he was supposed to literally burn, that’s cruel even for angels… Seonghwa, what are you on about?”

Seonghwa got up, mouth hanging open in disbelief as he paced around, and you were tempted to throw him in the sea because you wanted to be alone with your grief, not him acting like… Yeosang when he first met you. Seonghwa turned abruptly, narrowing his eyes at you.

“You… I should have known, dammit!”

“What are you so happy about?” You shouted at him, he was grinning like a madman.

“Yeosang didn’t burn. He’s not gone.”

“He’s not?” You gaped at him, “Where is he then?”

“I need to report this to the headquarters, someone might know what to do. You… keep that feather with you, okay? Do not lose it. He might come back. You should get home- grab your stuff, I’ll teleport you.”

“You better teleport me with my car then,” you mumbled as you got up, “And if this was false hope? I’ll personally finish you, angel.”

Seonghwa grinned as he nodded, “I can see why Yeosang likes you so much.”

—-----------------

Two months had passed.

Mr. Lee had been brought to trial with enough prove to convict him of Dajeong’s murder, and with you and Dohyun on this together, you two put down the walls little by little. Not exactly best friends but you could tolerate each other’s presence now, and that was enough. 

You decided to leave your company after all- your father was a particularly hard person to work with, and with the vicious cycle that Mr. Lee had started beginning with your dad… You couldn’t be bothered to stay here anymore. You took a month long break and then started learning and working alongside a sculptor that you had known since college. Somehow, you were pretty sure your new-found love for sculptors was because of a certain angel who you used to call a sculpture.

The angel who left you alone after loving you and giving you his all.

Seonghwa was still in contact with you- apparently, Yeosang fading away like that had been a first. Him and his friends were still looking around for any record of a past occurrence, but all in vain. It was a first, and you weren’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. You were very worried and perhaps it was the worry still eating you up that let your grief not swallow you.

Sometimes you’d wake up at night sobbing hysterically, muffling your screams on the pillow and hold on to Yeosang’s feather, an anchor at this point, and pray. You’d pray that he was at least all right, not hurting. 

You were just coming out from your workshop when you saw Seonghwa wave at you from a distance, and you motioned for him to wait, wrapping everything up, a dangerous spark of hope in your heart as you almost rushed to him, greeting him with a friendly hug.

“You look weaker than the last time I saw you,” Seonghwa shook his head, “Yeosang would be disappointed to know that I’m not taking care of you.”

“I am taking care of myself, I just…” you shrugged, “Give it some time.”

“Yeah,” Seonghwa nodded, “I may have found something. You might wanna sit before you hear this.”

You narrowed your eyes and sat down on the nearest bench and Seonghwa wondered how to word it to you. “The place where Yeosang was last… the beach, right? We found records of Yeosang when he was a human- nearly two centuries ago, it is the place where he died.”

“Oh,” you felt your heart sink, “You mean… die, like a normal human, and then he was… selected to be an angel?”

“Yes,” Seonghwa nodded, “Now, how does this connect to where we are at?”

“How?”

“You tell me,” Seonghwa smiled, “Kang Yeosang, the human, dies an untimely, unfair death. Two centuries later, he’s at the same spot with his love, and fades away, leaving his trace,” Seonghwa pointed at your bag, knowing you kept it with you, “Now, what could have happened?”

“He… did not die?” You shrugged, “I don’t see your point.”

“Tomorrow afternoon, be ready. We’re going to attempt reincarnation.”

“Bullshit,” you laughed in disbelief, “You’re telling me this could work!”

“Yes,” Seonghwa laughed along, “The way he faded, it's like people fade when they are to be reincarnated. It might be something similar, it might be nothing, but we have to try. I’ll arrive in your room so no one sees me, so… be prepared. And keep the feather with you.”

“Seonghwa, if… I’m gonna throw you in the sea this time, for real, if this doesn’t work.”

“You’re allowed to,” Seonghwa smiled sadly, “I’d throw myself in the sea too.”

You couldn’t sleep that night at all, either laughing in disbelief or crying because of the fear that it might not work. And the next afternoon, holding nothing but the feather, Seonghwa came into your room and teleported you to the beach, where some others were waiting as well.

Damned beautiful angels, each one of them. You’d heard about them, and Seonghwa introduced the 6 angels, each of them looking at you with mixed emotions. You couldn’t blame them. You’d taken their friend from them.

You turned towards the sea, the wind blowing your hair back and Seonghwa joined you, “I’m sorry if they don’t seem… happy.”

“I don’t blame them,” you let out a short laugh, “I took their friend. I understand them very, very well.”

Seonghwa rubbed your shoulder, “When the sun is setting… walk in the sea with the feather and drop it.”

“Drop it? In the sea?” You gaped at him, “Is this some sort of a sick way to take the trace away from me? Are you gonna make me forget later? Did Yeosang ask you to do this?”

“No, no,” Seonghwa shook his head furiously, “I can get the feather back to you if this doesn’t work, don’t worry. Just… try it. For Yeosang’s sake.”

You were sceptical, but there was a goddamned angel in front of you, so anything could work. You took a deep breath, waiting for Seonghwa’s cue. 

Your heart stopped when he told you to move. Each step felt like you were walking on a tightrope, that one wrong move and everything you were left with could disappear. You swallowed your sob as you walked further in the sea until you were waist down, and then placed the feather rather hesitantly on the sea wave, finding it glowing brightly as it floated-

You screamed when something grabbed the feather and pulled it down, you almost falling on your back as you took a few steps back, pondering whether you should dive right in and see what took the feather or wait-

“Step back,” Seonghwa called, pulling you back, and you screamed no, fighting back and wanting to dive right in, but Seonghwa held you strongly by your arms, and you kept struggling until-

Until he rose out of the sea, gasping for breath, his blonde locks sticking to his face-

Yeosang.

“Unbelievable,” you heard Seonghwa gasp, and this time he did let you go but you didn’t move, because were you hallucinating? Was this a trick?

But all it took was for Yeosang to turn and draw his hair back, his brown eyes still the same, and he stared at you two for a good while as if he couldn’t recognize you, but then he smiled.

“You keep finding me, love.”

You weren’t sure whether you were laughing or crying, and Yeosang nodded at Seonghwa as he approached you, caressing your face, making you look at him and you noticed something red at his temple, something that looked like a burn, but other than that, he was the same Yeosang-

“You’re human,” Seonghwa gasped, and Yeosang nodded, embracing you and waving at his friends who were cheering and crying from a distance. 

“I was so lost. Thanks for finding me.”

“You’re… really you, right?” You drew back, “Give me proof.”

Yeosang rolled his eyes and Seonghwa looked at you- his sassiness was enough proof. Yeosang whispered a memory from your first kiss that made you blush furiously and hug him again, properly, tears of happiness falling down your face. 

It took you a while to calm down as you watched Yeosang greet his friends, wiping your tears and pinching yourself to check if you were dreaming. You were almost convinced this was a dream and you'd wake up and find yourself alone in your bed once again-

"Not a dream," Yeosang joined you, holding your hand and giving it a squeeze.

"So you're… human now? And what's with the mark?"

"What mark?" Yeosang touched his temple where you were pointing, asking Seonghwa who was near, who only shrugged in answer saying that it could be some sort of a reminder that he was an angel once or something. Yeosang walked with you along the shore, smiling to himself.

"What?" You asked when you couldn't hold your curiosity anymore.

"This mark is the place where you've kissed me the most."

"Oh," you laughed, "that's… romantic."

Yeosang brought you in for a hug after kissing you, "Remember what I said? I'd burn for you. And I did, and now I'm back."

"You're late," you let the tears fall, "Two months. I'm glad it wasn't more, but… these two months were very hard for me."

"I'm sorry," Yeosang pouted as he pinched your cheeks, "but you have to say, if I wasn't such a selfish brat, we wouldn't be here like this right now."

You smiled, pecking his lips, "Glad you were. You better make me forget about all the pain I had to go through. But hey, you're not an angel anymore, right? Why are you still just as charming?"

"You're telling me I'm not more charming than before?" Yeosang pinched his nose bridge, "I should just go back in the sea-"

"Hey, hey, wait," you laughed, and Yeosang playfully twirled you, and you smirked. "Let me kiss you a bit before you go back."

Yeosang gaped at you, turning to his friends who seemed to be busy with each other, then turning to you who couldn't stop laughing. "You… way to make me feel welcomed."

"Come on, I know how much you're gonna enjoy when I tell you how charming you are when we're all alone," you ran a finger playfully down his chest, noticing the outfit being the same from last time, suddenly nostalgic as you hugged him, squeezing him tight against you and he hugged you back, understanding. "I missed you so damn much, Kang Yeosang."

Yeosang wanted to tell you how much you meant to him, how much he loved you, but he figured he'd tease you too. "Well, lucky for you, we are meant to be," Yeosang smiled, kissing the top of your head.

"That's lucky for you," you scoffed, "That your ass didn't catch fire, pretty boy."

"Hey!" Yeosang laughed as you ran away before he could poke you, and his angel friends watched the two of you chase each other like kids, Yeosang twirling you around when he caught you and then kissing you.

Wooyoung watched his best friend- now a human- laugh like a kid in front of his love. He looked at Seonghwa, brows raised in amusement, "Can I go throw up now?"

[kunosoura]

My final rating of the Crown of Stars major PoV characters after book 7

Top tier:

Liath - her growth from an abused girl clinging desperately to any affection she could and trying to build the strength she knew she needed to the confident and powerful sorceress we see in the end was SO satisfying. I love that in the end she felt no need to be cruel or vindictive toward Hugh and merely did what was needed so he could never hurt anyone ever again. I love that we see how the world outside views her - as a dangerous, mysterious witch with inscrutable motives and an unknown agenda - while also showing us her internality (that of a woman dedicated to peace, truth and knowledge, with stunted social skills).

High tier

Hanna. Last time I talked about how her narration was always refreshing because it wasn't maudlin or centered around trauma, and instead was just her doing her job. Boy did I not know what was coming in the back half of the series. For all that I didn't love that we lost what made that perspective so refreshing after the Quman business, I guess it was unfair to hold her up on that pedestal in a series ABOUT trauma. And anyway, she bounced back and, though never quite the same, became a complex character who still got her shit done and always remained a low-key fixture of the plot, giving us a PoV on important events without eating up too much airtime with her own issues.

Alain. I like how he's clearly meant as some saint-like figure, but isn't perfect. He resents Tallia for abandoning him while "accepting" Conrad even though he knows she's never really had a choice in her life. He hates Lavas's brother for scheming to depose him, and then later tormenting him and hauling him around for weeks while he was suffering from severe physical trauma. Despite all that, he's still a fundamentally decent man who does what he can to see that the right thing is done. Is he some half-divine saint sent to guide the world through a time of trials? I think it's more likely that he's just the sort of person that treats people well, who gets entwined with big destinies because he's a good person who wants to help.

Antonia. Delusional QUEEN. I love how she steadily gets more self righteous and less connected to reality as the series progresses to the point that she's in a contentious alliance with Queen Betrayseveryone Evenherbelovedhusband and General Machiavelli Turncloak, casting dangerous evil spells left and right, and doesn't seem to realize she's in danger. She died as she lived: fucking clueless and with way too much power.

Mid Tier

Rosvita. Girl I wanted to like you so bad but your PoV just never had a good hook. I wish more had been done with her fascination towards sorcery and the arcane that tugged at her otherwise straight-laced personality, but we didn't get much and the remainder is just her being a not particularly interesting PoV to some major events. Still, she had a compelling and steely core, even her chapters lacked bite.

Sanglante. Blissfully absent as a PoV for most (all?) of the final book. Muh duty to my dad muh deadbeat wife.. Idk he was never that bad but his PoV never compelled me that much either. Liath wasn't even a deadbeat he literally saw her getting kidnapped by angels of course she might take some time getting back. And then he slept with another woman after learning she was Alive and Trapped. Come on man. I always wanted her to dump him. But his chapters weren't that bad. For how much all the other characters have their internalities defined by trauma and how they're recovering and moving on from it, he weirdly seemed to have completely gotten over the whole "kept as a squalid human dog by the former king of the lizard men for over a year" pretty conclusively by the last few books.

Stronghand: A victim I think of how much the author was tired of writing the series by the end. The early to middle parts of the series, where his stoic cultural condition has been alchemized by Alain's kindness into a sort of justice and compassion that's almost alien to medieval alt-europe, is really compelling, and there's the ~bones~ of a resolution to his character arc in the end, but it just sort of landed without fanfare. I wonder if he and Theophanu ever ended up consummating

Secha. Our crucial eye on the inside for the Ashioi, introduced a bit too late to really have her own arc and given no real resolution either. The idea of there being deep rifts between the Ashioi who'd been caught in the exiled country, doing whatever they could to survive including casting off their religious caste and letting their hatred of humanity simmer down, and the Ashioi who were caught in the world between, experienced the hundred+ years the others did as a scant few months, bear all the old prejudices and hatreds fresh, and are appalled that the others cast down the castes, is SO fascinating, but I think it's clear Elliot just wanted to be done with the series by the end.

Low tier:

Ivar. Boy I'm never forgiving you for fumbling Baldwin because you were too lost in your incel cups about Liath to appreciate him. And then you go off and get thrown together with Hanna by the narrative? I'm laying the blame on you for that shit, Hanna went through a lot and never even got laid so of course she'd nurse a flame for her childhood crush but with you it seems like you just shacked up with the first blonde woman who gave you attention so you could get over Baldwin. Yeah you weren't as insufferable in the last couple of books I guess but it's hard to outrun how bad you were in the first like. two thirds of the series.

Zacharias. For all that he's someone who's objectively gone through some of the worst trauma of any of the PoV characters, and we're supposed to be uncomfortable with how everyone dismisses or distrusts him, it still feels like even above that the narrative punishes and dislikes him disproportionately and I can't fathom why. I really wish he could have met Liath because the two would have gotten along so well. The Hugh thing was just cruel. I get that's the point, he died early and tragically, able only to reclaim a fraction of his dignity, but it really was just something sour to me. Not to mention how forgotten the old gods were after his death.

Bottom tier:

Anna. what was the fucking POINT. She just seemed to be there so we'd have a Blessing-proximal PoV. No character arc except getting depressed because she had no real identity. Her reuniting with Papa Otto might have have redeemed her character, given it some sort of closure or bookend but for some reason we didn't even get that. Come ON.

[resonette]

The amount of effort and dedication you put into Seren is so amazing. I always look forward to seeing your stuff on the dash, whether it is a study on Seren's character or the LND universe. <3 The way you write and express her through words is so lovely to read, and I continue to consume all dat good food. chef's kith. AND YOU ALSO SEEM SO NICE AND THE VIBES ARE IMMACULATE. ToT take muh love

(  why you're here , why you stay.  accepting.  ) @memovia

WAAAAAAAAAAH YOU ARE SO KIND i know this is so late but i've been ignoring my askbox for a few days but i hope you know this was SUCH a needed pick-me-up, the way YOU write and the way you involve all aspects of zay.ne's lore while also making him a muse that is inexplicably yours is something i admire!!!! i'm eating up ALL ur content for him as we speak (and also all of your other muses, even if i'm not familiar with them!!!!!!) gives u muh love back!!!!!

[nitesh-123n]

Learn Gujarati Greetings : Beginner's Guide

Ever felt the urge to explore a vibrant culture with a rich linguistic heritage? Well, look no further than Gujarati! Spoken by over 60 million people worldwide, this beautiful language is the heart and soul of Gujarat, a state in western India. But where do you even begin, you ask? Worry not, my friend, for this guide will be your stepping stone to mastering Gujarati greetings, the key to unlocking a world of warm hospitality.

The Sweet Sounds of Gujarati

Gujarati is a phonetic language, meaning pronunciation follows what you see! Unlike English, most letters have one sound, making it easier to pick up the basics. Start by familiarizing yourself with the Gujarati script. Resources like Hindustani Tongue can be your cheat sheet to mastering those lovely curves and twirls.

2. Kem Chho? – The Universal Gujarati Hello

This delightful phrase (pronounced "kem [kuh] cho") literally translates to "how are you?" but functions more like a general greeting. It's perfect for any situation, from meeting your friendly neighborhood grocer to chatting with a fellow traveler.

3. Aapne (aapni) Kem Chho? – Mind Your Manners

Gujarati, like many Indian languages, places emphasis on respect. When addressing someone older or someone you don't know well, use "aapne" (masculine) or "aapni" (feminine) before "kem chho." This adds a touch of formality and shows courtesy.

4. Majama Chhe? – Keeping it Casual with Friends

For your close friends and peers, ditch the formalities and switch to "majama chhe?" (pronounced "mah-jah-mah keh"). This translates to "are you good?" and creates a more relaxed vibe.

5. Beyond Hello – A Spice Rack of Greetings

Gujarati boasts a colorful array of greetings for different times of day. In the morning, a bright "shubh saaver" (pronounced "shoobh sah-ver") conveys good morning wishes. Afternoon calls for a warm "su madhyan" (pronounced "soo muh-dhee-ahn"), meaning "good afternoon." As the sun sets, greet folks with a sweet "shaam sunder" (pronounced "shaam soon-der"), translating to "pleasant evening."

6. Action Speaks Louder Than Words – The Art of Namaste

For a truly immersive experience, don't forget the graceful "namaste." Place your palms together in a prayer-like position, bow slightly, and say "namaste." This traditional greeting embodies respect and conveys a sense of inner peace.

7. Abhinandan! – The Joy of the Journey

Learning Gujarati is a rewarding adventure. Embrace the stumbles, celebrate the victories, and most importantly, have fun! With a little dedication and these handy greetings under your belt, you'll be well on your way to charming the hearts of Gujarati speakers around the world. So, what are you waiting for? Dive in, say "namaste," and embark on your Gujarati odyssey!

[alice-chan-chan]

Dazai Osamu + traditional wear

- dedicated to @eien-misui-ni-goodbye (◠‿◠✿)

[caliginouscreature]

If you may have a fictotype, how do you tell your “noemata” apart from strongly-held headcanons or projecting?

Psychological nonhumanity is a hot topic for all kinds of debates and discussions, and understandably so.  There’s tons of room for variation, and infinite possible reasons and presentations for it from copinglinking to fictherianthropy.  But with non/alterhumanity of any origin, lack of “memories” is a known struggle with those wondering whether or not they may “count” (and is something I intend to dedicate a separate post to talking about later).  This is where a new community term, “noema” (pronounced “no-ee-muh”), was introduced to possibly fill in an area of ambiguity left in the wake of such worries.  It’s a term left rather vague on purpose, making it useful for describing many kinds of feelings.

It is often described as feeling like “just knowing” something about your ’type, whether it’s something about their body, past, home, opinions... could be anything!  But, in some circumstances, how can you tell the difference between true noemata, and fan theories one has dwelled upon so long and hard that they just “feel right”?  Can you trick yourself into thinking you “just know” something by forgetting how long you’ve actually thought about it?  Is “feeling right” all it can take to count?

In this thinking-out-loud post, I’d like to point at the character of Snufkin from the Moomins franchise-- a character who seems like a great example to use due both to how I myself find him relatable, and how I’ve seen other Moomins fans receive and interpret him through fan content.

Isn’t he spiffy!

There is no other fandom I’ve yet been in where so many of the fans (at least in the english-speaking one, that I myself was in) had never actually interacted with the bulk of the source material.  Sure, some watched the ’90s anime on youtube, but large quantities of fans never touched the books or comics (even those that have official english versions, pirated or not), or sometimes even only got their material through fanart and fanfic.  A quantifiable amount of english-language Moomins fanworks from around 2019 are going off of nothing but what “feels right”.

Now, this isn’t just me looking for an excuse to whine about the shallowness of the Moomins fandom, or me trying to invalidate people who don’t really interact with the sources of their ’types.  But in my opinion, it’s a comparison I can’t help but make.  How far can you basically just go off of vibes?  How do you know what counts?

It’s like, fascinatingly easy to get your brain used to a certain headcanon.  Even some diehard Moomins fans-- ones who actually do go to the trouble of digging up and consuming obscure canon material-- could admit it’s easy to forget that Snufkin isn’t confirmed to be canonically transgender.  “Trans Snufkin” is an extremely popular headcanon in the english Moomins fandom, and most who hold it, myself sometimes included, would tell you it’s because it simply “feels right”.  It’s to the point that many consider it a vital part of how they write and read Snufkin!

Projecting onto a character you see a bit of yourself in is also pretty easy to do, by accident or otherwise.  Most Moomins fans I see doing this do it with Moomintroll, but it’s arguably even more obvious when it’s done with Snufkin.  I once saw a fic (which I won’t link, so as not to possibly get them teased), which the author admitted was written as a form of vent art, where Snufkin hated coffee... but if you read Comet in Moominland, where Snufkin is introduced, one of the very first things he ever says is asking for coffee, he likes it so much!  Something similar goes for fics that make Snufkin speak any swear words, a thing he is confirmed to dislike.  How much of this is active self-indulgence, and how much is due to it “feeling right” to the author?  I try and notice when I may be projecting on a character or not, because I find it to be useful in my work, but we can’t all be so self-aware (and who knows, I may be less self-aware than I think!).

Back to fictotypy... I am well aware that one’s ’type ID isn’t always going to be a 1:1 to how it is in canon.  To compare the phenomenon to fictives, I’ve met multiple manifestations of the same character across different systems, and none of them are identical (even if there are multiple fictives of the same character within one system!)!  If someone turns out to be a Snufkin, and they can’t force themself to like coffee, that doesn’t make them any less a Snufkin.  They may just be a Snufkin from an adaptation where his opinions on coffee are unclear, or a Snufkin from an AU!  ... or maybe they just hate coffee that much, hehe.

But how can a Snufkin-- or someone who may be of any character/species ID-- tell their possible noemata apart from some other similar non-noemata thing?  When I come to a “headcanon” or “interpretation” of something from fiction, it often feels like a process of going “Hey, it’d be cool or interesting if...” or “It could make sense that...” and then pondering and scanning canon material to possibly back it up so that it can sound legit enough to not ping as OOC to an onlooker (at least if I explain it, depending).  Ponder any of these long enough, and they can wind up “feeling right”, in a way, even if I took an active role in figuring out how they might work and know they may not be truly canon. Are my numerous theories and headcanons about the species that the Groke belongs to that have little-to-no canon backup the result of me being very autistic and having an immense passion for worldbuilding, or could their combination of how I relate to the Groke herself make them evidence of noemata for a possible ID?  When I get offended if Snufkin is written or treated a certain way in fanworks, is it just me being a stickler for canon compliance and feeling hurt when traits in him I relate to are demonized, or could it also be a sign I may be a Snufkin?  I’m already pleased that I look a bit like him in real life, but I’m not sure I feel if I am a Snufkin, as it’s not really as intense a desire as some of my other possible IDs... folks argue that such IDs need not be intense or constant and can be experienced casually, but how can I tell the difference?

When, as beings with human brains wired to delight in such pattern recognition and ascribing meanings to the like, can anyone tell the difference?  How do I tell my noemata apart from what may just be thoughts about my possible IDs that I like to have?  As someone who’s questioning several possible IDs and is uncertain about ’most all of them, it’s hard for me to know the differences that define this.

A fun little question to any artists with ’types from fiction, to close this post off with: When you write or draw fanart of the character or species you may ID with to post in public, do you base their interpretation off of what you feel are your noemata, or do you tend to lean more to what will be more definitely canon-compliant?  Why or why not?  If you do the latter, does it make you question your ““validity””?  Is making fanworks of your ID a pretty personal experience, or is it more of a separate thing you can do for fun?  Does it vary?