#decided i can and stuck with it like im so proud of myself !!!!

[rockoblanco]

first martial arts class was so good!!!!! i learned so much & had so much fun!!! :)

[yandere-sins]

Ivyyyyyyyy >.< you're the worsttttt(read: BEST) oh my god the thoughts im having abt dilic with a period kink rn. Gawd and he doesn't even know it's a period kink, he thinks it's absolutely normal to do nasty things with his girl while she's bleeding out and feels proud about it that HE can take her pain away

OMG continuing the diluc saga but yan dilic thinks darling's period is the perfect opportunity to finally put his hands on darling. He knows you're in pain so he promises, he's doing this for YOU not him (lies) he'll ease it in gently and make it feel good! Soon darling will forget all about those cramps bc of him him him! He doesnt need to feel as guilty bc he's helping you out.....right? OMG PLS write something abt thissss, it can be any yandere or oc but im going crazy after what u saiddd

Hehe, you're welcome! I began writing this as just a talk, but decided mid-way through to make it a scenario!

a/n: I wrote this before my hiatus and coming back to correct it, I found so many mistakes, it doesn't even feel like I wrote this smh... I did my best to polish it a bit since I can't see myself rewriting it in the future but if you find anything oddly worded just ignore it lol I wasn't myself back then :')

[Warning: Yandere, Sexual Content]

I can just see the cock cogs turning in this idiot's head as he racks his brain about how he can help you. Clearly, you're in pain, but no matter how many more times he calls a physician to have a look, they just keep waving off his concerns. It's normal, they say. You're healthy. That's what everyone has to go through.

And yet he sees you writhing and crying in pain—it's breaking his heart!

Pillow pressed to your stomach, tears in your eyes that you can't blink away fast enough before they fall. You're especially irritable, but it hurts him more when you whine and complain; Diluc wanting to help you now more than ever. He's already gone through the usual stuff, the imported water bottles from Snezhnaya and the chocolate from Fontaine. If you utter so much as a craving, he has the servants scramble to get it to you. Nothing is too expensive or too hard to get. You could have asked for the heads of your enemies, and Diluc would have brought them to you with ribbons and glitter if that had helped with your pains.

But alas, it doesn't.

It's been three days, and his nerves are raw, the bags under his eyes dark, and the burden of your health weighs heavily on Diluc. He can't see how things will ever get better. The other times you were on your period were conveniently skipped by business trips, so this is hitting him full force.

"Exercising might help," one of the maids suggests as he forces himself to consult someone more knowledgeable than him.

"Sometimes, my wife likes a little stimulation to alleviate the pain," a vintner chuckles, winking at Diluc as the word of his helplessness spreads. And suddenly, inappropriate ideas get stuck in his head, making him blush like a young lad in love.

»»———————— ♡ ————————««

Taking a deep breath, Diluc raised his hand to knock on your bedroom door. It was terribly late, the servants asleep and only the eery flickering of his candle guiding him through the night. Most likely, you were tugged in and fighting for your well-deserved sleep, so he hesitated, fist hanging in the air before slowly dropping it to his side.

What he was about to do was not only foolish but also filled him with the same burning in his body as using his vision did. He could feel the warmth sweep over him from his head to his toes, the latter curling in his shoes while most of the heat was throbbing between his legs, aching to connect with your warmth in a less-than-innocent way.

However, these feelings were nothing compared to the agony of the last few days.

If this was what he had to do to help you alleviate the pain, he would. If it was for you, Diluc would do anything in his power, whether to protect or help you. If he had to become a mere plaything so you'd be freed of the pain, then his concerns were a small sacrifice for all the good he was going to do.

Brushing his hair back, Diluc took a deep breath, reminding himself there was nothing wrong with wanting to help. If the method the vintner suggested worked, everyone would be happy. And if not, he'd keep searching for ways to free you of the pain. Turning the key in the door lock, he pulled it out before slowly entering your room, ensuring he could give you two the privacy needed in this situation.

To his surprise, you were still awake.

You made a half-hearted attempt at a greeting, but when you noticed it was him, you only scoffed, turning away. It hurt when you gave him the cold shoulder so callously, but Diluc knew you were the one suffering at that moment, not him. He could forgive you for being dismissive of him. Your bedside lamp was still on, and he could see you clutching a pillow to your belly, his own stomach cramping up with remorse, even though, logically, he knew it wasn't his fault. He loved you as you were, the good and bad days, your misery becoming his own much too easily these days.

Setting down the candle on your table, he walked over to you. But not before locking the door from the inside, just so he could give himself a few more seconds before his approach. Every step cost him a lot of discipline, being near you never having been this hard. Even when he looked confident around you, Diluc only ever felt weak. You made him vulnerable. Desperate. Longing for your love and affection was all he was allowed to do, so even just watching your chest rise and fall set him ablaze.

Pushing off his shoes, Diluc focused on the little space you left at the edge of the bed. It was the only space he could see that was reserved for him, as he didn't deserve to share your bed, in your opinion. Yet, when he climbed in, pulling the cover over himself and snaking his arm around your waist, he was enveloped in your scent, your hair tickling his skin as he breathed in deeply. Had he known that heaven was hiding so closely to him, he might not have waited so long to come and see you.

"What are you--" you complained, pushing yourself away from him. But Diluc's hand had already wandered beneath the pillow, feeling the hot water bottle you kept secured there, only to replace it with his palm. He was just as, if not hotter than anything the servants could procure for you; his body temperature naturally elevated from his vision. It wouldn't burn you, but with his hand hugging your lower belly, it was much more effective and fitting than any appliance might be.

And you fell for it, even if just for a split second.

For a moment, you leaned into the comfort of his palm, the pain vanishing in the blink of an eye. Diluc even caught you sighing briefly before you came to your senses, jolting and pushing away from him, only to get stuck inside the blanket and pressed up against him. Diluc couldn't help but grin, having read your actions before they even occurred to you, but of course, this was a serious matter, so he quickly composed himself.

"H-Hey!" you yelled as his hand drifted lower, his face burying into the nape of your neck. He wasn't there to dilly-dally but to be of service. To help you in your time of need. By the time Diluc pressed his lips to your skin and his fingers between your legs, you understood his intentions as well, perhaps misinterpreted, but clear as day.

He was going to fuck the pain away. 

If exercise and stimulation helped others, maybe it would do the same for you. His fingers were met with warm slick, your body flinching when he moved over your clit. Perhaps his calloused hands weren't made for caressing and soft touches but for teasing and stimulating. Judging by how puffy your lower lips were, worked up from days of rubbing your legs together and your panties aggravating them mercilessly, you were in dire need of his help.

"Don't fight it. You're not alone in this," Diluc reassured you as you squirmed in his hold, biting back the salacious sounds of pleasure you were keeping from his ears. You were so mean, keeping every little taste of appreciation from Diluc, knowing how much it meant to him. But he'd endure. Even when your ass ground back against his cock, making it incredibly hard to not focus on his needs as well, he'd put you first in all of this.

When he slipped his pointer and middle finger towards your entrance, a tremor went through your body, a gasp slipping out from between your lips. Diluc never knew how easy it was to get inside another person, greeted warmly and happily by your hole clenching around his fingers.

His kisses became more fervent against your neck, teeth snapping out as he felt like he was losing himself in your scent and warmth. The pushes of his hips against your ass became faster, your cheeks fitting so well around his shaft. You yelled at him to stop, but he barely heard you through the sounds of your sloppy, wet cunt, blood mingling with eager juices to allow him more reach inside you. It was almost as if he could hear them beg for him to go deeper, which just wasn't possible with his knuckles in the way, no matter how much he tried.

Forgotten was the pain as pleasure raked its claws through both of you, and yet, Diluc still heard you whine and sob as he scissored his fingers through your inside. It wasn't enough. He opened his eyes he didn't know he had closed, staring at your expression curiously. All he saw was anger and disgust, your teeth bared and ready to snap, while he could feel your nails digging into his arm. And yet, when he found your eyes, he saw a very different version of events. Lust, desire, longing. You wanted more, and Diluc wouldn't refuse such a request.

Slipping a leg between yours, he pried them apart, spreading you open wide. You gasped, squirming and trying to cut off his access, but Diluc only had to lean back to steal your balance, your body reliant on his while he gained more space on your bed. The hardest part was freeing his cock from the restraint of his pants, the fabric soggy with both your juices as well as his own pre-cum pearling off the tip of his engorged cock.

Nothing could have prepared him for the feeling of your wet cunt greeting his eager cock. No imagining of this situation could have come close to the throbbing heat, your walls convulsing around his fingers in eager expectation. Diluc placed his tip against his fingers, planning to slip them out and take the opening to sink into you, but with how wet the combination of blood and juices was, he felt himself slipping away, kissing your clit instead.

And for the first time, you moaned.

It was the sound of angels and everything nice, and he drew his hips back, trying again to fill you with his cock, missing it just an inch. All good things are three, and when he finally plunged it deep inside your pussy, you weren't the only one yowling in pleasure. No matter what he had imagined his first time with you to be, nothing would ever top the mess he caused between your legs, his cock ready to burst as it pulsated violently inside your equally as ready cunt.

He could feel the waves of pleasure going through you, the shudders in your limbs as he began to slowly press forward, kissing the last few inches of his reach. You remained stiff as a plank, but when he pulled out halfway before sinking in deep again, you were unable to keep your mouth shut, an elongated moan making its way to Diluc's ears, letting him know it was the right thing after all.

Immediately, any hesitation fell off him as he dragged his cock out and sunk it back into you. Fingers retreated to your clit, continuing to slip off and assault the little knob over and over while your walls clenched around his shaft, making you feel every one of his throbs and ridges, the heat between you two almost scorching.

Part of him couldn't believe it worked. That he actually managed to help you with this trick. But he'd have been a liar if he said it wasn't a pleasure for him, too. Diluc could never have dreamed about your proficiency in driving him wild, from your hot, puffy pussy wrapping around him to the improper sounds he had never heard coming from your lips before. The blood kept you so wet and loud down there; it was like you were synching your moans with your pussy, sloppy as they were.

It couldn't have been better, a shudder going through you from head to toe, your feet curling as you gurgled. Diluc wrapped his free arm around your throat, pulling you against him and burying his face in your shoulder as you came hard, juices leaking out, red dripping on the clean sheets with the blanket long discarded.

You were gasping for air as he plunged right back into you, waiting but a mere few seconds of yours before pursuing his own orgasm. Selfishly, but unable to stop. Diluc was already too deep in it, quite literally, your orgasm making your inside tight around him, but it posed no challenge with how drenched you both were.

A strained groan escaped Diluc as he buckled, feeling the first squirts of cum shoot out of him before he drew back, popping out of your cunt and covering it in his cum. His tip got stuck on your clit, as his jizz ejected under the pressure of his orgasm, making you mewl as you were once again stimulated. It would be a mess to clean, but it had been worth it.

You two collapsed, spent and dirty, but Diluc slipped his palm back over your lower stomach, rubbing the collection of juices over your soft skin, leaving a red trail. Kissing the side of your head, he was trying to collect his breath and thoughts, barely able to think straight as the feelings of happiness and his relief kept him in a chokehold.

"Better?" he asked, his voice a blissful rumble as he pulled you firmer against him.

But all he was met with was a cold glare and tears in your eyes. "I-I'm sorry," he stuttered instinctively, immediately feeling bad. What had he done to upset you again? Your teeth were biting into your lip as if you were holding back a tirade of screaming, ready to explode.

His cock twitched between your legs, bloody and so, so wet.

"I'll make it better! I promise! I will definitely make it better," he tried to reassure you, dazed with pleasure as he was, unable to see the actual problem with all of this. Your body convulsed in shock as he pressed his tip upwards again, and you gasped loudly as he sunk his inches inside you. This time, he wouldn't fail to make you feel better. And until then, he'd keep going.

All night long, if he had to.

[all-seems-no-well]

"Testing...Hello? Can you hear me?..."

------------

-Hello. AHEM... Regarding the past events of "Kalloway Kindergarten" , We have decided to hear from the victims 20 years later to get a better insight on what really happened. The following paragraphs will be from our latest interviews with each, separate person. - These will be repeated from what our subjects had said to the interviewers. - Sadly, some people hadn't come to the interview. So please bear with us on this unfortunate mishap. Thank you for listening, Thank you for your patience, and thank you for coming.

------------

-Subject no. 1 (???)

"Subject number one was unable to make it today.

-Subject no. 2 (Lilith (Lily) Prescott.)

"Slow and painful it was. At least, that's how it felt for me. But I can't imagine the more brutal things my brother had to go through. He was missing for a while, and...Nobody knew where he went. Until that very day, I and...someone else, had found him...... Under the school. The principal was doing experiments on him. It was all so... horrific. Too horrific for a child to see... If I could go back in time and give my younger self a hug, I wouldn't think twice. As for my brother, I would've done the same, even at the time. I wish In that moment I could've told him how much I loved him, how much he meant to me... But now I can't..."

-Subject no. 3 (???)

"Subject number three was unable to make it today."

-Subject no. 4 (Jerome Kennedy.)

"Hearing about the awful stuff my dad did after he died, broke me as a kid. If I had known what he was doing before, I would've told someone before it got so bad... Sometimes I still blame myself for everything that happened. I know I shouldn't, but he was MY dad. I can't get over it."

-Subject no. 5 (Buggs V. Mallory.)

"Shit sucked. Those other kids were awful to me. And yeahhh, I may or may not have been awful to them back. But YOU would be a dick too if YOU were constantly bullied! Oh, right...that... Well, I wasn't really a part of the whole thing. All I know is one day our principal died, and then another day our other principal died. A lot of principals died that week, man. So uh. I don't know.

-Subject no. 6 (Cynthia (Cindy) Louelle.)

"Okay, well. Kindergarten was kinda blehh... y'know? I met some decent people there, I guess. But I also met the most rudest girl in the world! Ugh... But yeah, like, I didn't really care about the whole "principal experimenting on us" jig. It was kinda just stupid... and annoying.... And I honestly don't even recall half of the teachers there, sooo...."

-Subject no. 7 (Monty Hyde.)

"I lost a lot at that damn school. I mean seriously, they didn't think to fire the janitor after day two?! I lost my legs because of him! And now I've just been stuck with these unflattering girl legs. But y'know what? Kindergarten was pretty fun at times. Cause' I was a little shit, and all the teachers knew it. I was even smarter than the science teacher, which says a lot about how smart I am now as an adult! ....are you recording this? Yeah? Good. YOU HEAR THAT DR. DANNER?! I'M BETTER NOW. IM A SUCCESSFUL MILLIONAIRE, AND WHERE ARE YOU? PROBABLY IN A RETIREMENT HOME...... Uh- Thank you for having me here..."

-Subject no. 8 (Felix K. Huxley.)

"I say... Kindergarten was certainly quite the experience. Younger me would've said it was horrible, but now that I've matured I see just how dramatic I was being. Though, there were some things I did that....I'm not quite proud of.... But! That aside, the experience looking back at it was quite swell. If not for that place, I wouldn't have met my lovely Cynthia...or what's his face- uh- Monty!... He's helped me a lot with my business, and I tip my metaphorical and imaginary hat to him."

-Subject no 9. (Theodore (Ted) K. Huxley)

"I believe they should've had much better funding, and staff. Because that place was just...awful. The teachers obviously despised their jobs, and the bathrooms... Oh the bathrooms were foul...! And even thinking about Kindergarten brings back horrible memories of what my brothe- actually nevermind... But anyway, thinking about the pain and suffering those poor students before me must've gone through...it makes me sick to my stomach. They could've done so much better for the students and the school itself."

-Subject no. 10 (???)

"Subject number ten was unable to make it today."

-Subject no. 11 (???)

"Subject number eleven was also unable to make it today."

-Subject no. 12 (Ozzy Harrison.)

"I don't have any good memories of that place. Not one. I'm sorry, but I don't even wanna talk about it anymore..."

-Subject no. 13 (Madison Bonneau.)

"It was like one second I was at recess, and then another I was in some sci-fi looking lab! But me and my friends got saved by some randos, so all was well after that I think! But in all seriousness, that mean lady got what she deserved. I'm glad nobody has to put up with her ever again... oh, oh! And also there was a girl there when it happened...and her head freakin' exploded!! I couldn't sleep for days because of the sight!"

-Subject no. 14 (Alison (Alice) M. Claire.)

"I heard Madi from the other room... I am incredibly sorry about her... excitement? She's never been interviewed before, and quite frankly, neither have i- o-oh, yes...my apologies... The whole situation had really put a negative toll on my well-being. I was scared to go back to school, I had a hard time trusting people, and I was overall terrified of everyone and everything around me. It felt like a bunch of eyes had been laid upon my person, and hands were out to hurt me at any moment. I and my friends were kidnapped by the other school's principal, and to say it was traumatizing would be an understatement..."

-Subject no. 15 (Ronaldo (Ron) Duncan.)

"hey do you have any cheese? No? Okay.. Well anyway. What I remember is like.. kinda crazy. So bear with me. I was just on the playground, swinging on the swings, okay? And then suddenly IM KNOCKED OUT, LIKE BLAM! And then, I woke up in some bunker with a bunch of sciencey stuff in it. And I'm like floating around in this giant tube thingy, right? And then these kids come into the bunker and they're like "well save you!!" And then the evil principle lady turns me into a monster and I'm all like "blehghh" and my friends are also like "blehghh." BUT THEN the principal lady also turns into a giant, ugly monster!! And then the kids kill her like superheroes. True story."

-Subject no 16 and 18 (???)

"These two subjects were unable to come in today due to their own plans together."

-Subject no. 17 (Austin Scarrow)

"I don't actually CARE about the stuff that happened in kindergarten! That stuff was a long time ago, and it doesn't matter to me anymore..."

------------

"By listening to our subject's stories, We hope you know how much this means to them, finally being able to speak up about their own experiences from the tragedy. These people are powerful, and strong, and we wish nothing but the best for them."

------

------

"...Jesus...these kids are gonna make me a killing. I've got to get in contact with those other subjects... If I don't, this whole jig is gonna go out of business..."

[aachria]

I am so unbelievably nervous for this chapter pooks you dont even know it andthe title sure doesn't sound very promising at all

Writing as im reading once again but I noticed how long my chapter commentary has been gwtting so I'll tryyyy to Tone It Down but i make no promises. The length of my commentary is only dictated by how absolutely crazy you decide to make this chapter.

Ace and Sabo giving ed a shovel talk is everything ive wanted since the marriage i beg you to let ace live long enough to get mad at ed for not telling him pretty please 😭🙏

Oooh the gift for Sabo i was gonna send an ask abt it since ive been rereading the fic this weekend but i figured you wouldn't forget it

LUFFY AND SABO INTERACT8ONS 😤🦅😭😤🦅😭😤😭🦅😤😭🦅😭😤😭🦅😭🦅😭🦅🙏🙏🗣🗣🗣‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

Im very much unready to read the strawhats be separated i have cried too many times reading this fic and im certain this will be the worst to date

STOP 😭 ed's jst going on abt keeping the crew safe and i can feel the tears coming

HOLD ON if ed is in fact staying with luffy, thing i should've guessed from last chapter, does that m3an they're meeting boa? Omg. I am suddenly so much more excited for the next set of chapters, thing that i did not think was possible.

Once again i ask myself when the fuck ed learned gymnastics 😭

Not the "i definitely did that on purpose" after they slam into a fucking building like sure you did 🤨 and i definitely believe you 🤨

"Its as straight as you can get" made me crack up

I will be so completely honest with you i have no idea what the fuck is going on like a good 40% of fights but thats jst because i have trouble translating the moves into a movie in my head

"Adam Sandler? What are you doing here? And in a bright yellow pinstripe suit sounding stoned out of his damn mind, too." I had not expected to laugh this much in this chapter i was fr bracing myself to cry. 🧍‍♀️. Now that i think abt it you might just be lowering our guard so that it hits harder 🤨

AND ED'S SAVIOR COMPLEX HITS AGAIN WITH BLAMING THEMSELVES ONCE MORE !!!

so. Luffy and Ed separation. I cant bring myself to be sad this shit was written so well 😭 just "wait for me" and "ill always find you" ugh just throw an "unquestionably" in there and id cry there could be one every chapter and id still cry every single time

Im so fucking excited for ed to meet coin hopefully next chapter 🤭

Amazing chapter as always!! Surprisingly didnt cry!! Thank you!! I cannot fucking wait for the Wednesday chapter

I pulled out the Rio Romeo you KNOW it was gonna be a rough one.

Tfw you're tying to give your baby brother's S/O the shovel talk but you're also stuck in the scaffolding at your own execution and your baby brother's S/O is also your friend who you have cried about your self worth and daddy issues to.

That fucking black book plot bunny has been hopping around FAR TOO LONG, so I had to take it out back and shoot it and by that I mean finally deliver it to it's intended recipient.

Mmmmmmm Boa

Look Ed had gymnastics beamed directly into their head by GOD does that make sense?

When I write combat I do it 70% for the vibes 20% for the quips and humor and 10% for the actual fighting. If you have no idea what is happening you and I are on the same page.

Ed got them self worth issues in them where the dog should be 💪💪💪

God I cannot wait for Coin & Ed content. Love those two.

I am so proud of you for not crying. I cried writing it. That baby was cooked with TEARS.

[gege-wondering-around]

Hello cariad! I really liked this question and I'm so curious to know your answer!

What's something you're very passionate about? 🩵

And how did you discover this passion?

hi darling @dontcallpanic! sorry it took me so long to answer! hope I'll be able to do justice to the ask and your answer was extremely heart warming and you're such an amazing person for doing that🫂🩵

something I'm very passionate about is:

meritocracy/'getting what you deserve'

I've seen the world being unfair since I was very young, I've seen it first hand in second grade and it got stuck with me.

(little back story moment: a classmate of mine wanted to cheat from me and I tried not to let her but she kept insisting, the teacher noticed and scolded me and put my desk against the wall)

ever since, I've never let anyone cheat off of me, I've tried my hardest to never cheated myself (unless it was necessary, like last year with chemistry because the teacher was the worst and next year we dont have that subject anymore, so the whole class just opted for the best way out, and I honestly don't regret it. but other that this one time, cheating is not for me).

anytime cheating was brought up by one of my friends, I'd be the one going against their methods (sneaking 2 phones so they'd keep one during the exam, hear bugs to listen to audios, long ass cheating sheets under the chair and such) cause the one who did this, were those who could simply study and get a very good grade.

and it was such a common thing to do, to cheat every single time, that they'd brag about it like it was the success of the century. and they never got what they actually deserved and it makes me sick. cause i know people who bust their asses to keep their grades up and have little to no recognition for their efforts, while these other people who cheats just get away with it.

and they don't just cheat on exam... one cheated on her gf as well, one is planning on cheating the driver theory test, and so on.

(another back story moment: math exam, i studid days for it and a friend of mine kept asking me for help. at home, i did an exercise we both struggled on and got the right answer but i knew the method was wrong but found no other way to get to the answer. i send it to my friend, don't remember what she said but i remember she told me it was done wrong and i knew. next day, the day of the exam, 10 minutes before it she went to our math teacher to ask him how it was supposed to be done and showed him the pic with my work, and he obviously told her it was done wrong (and i knew the whole time it was) and she came back fiercely saying 'i told you it was wrong' but i let her me. during the exam, she had photomath doing her exam while the teacher was 1 meter away from her. and he told her nothing.)

but apart from school, I've seen this in my parents' work environment too, cause they are both the most hard workers and they get less than most and have to do everything for others cause, for example my father, is the only one who can this particular machine (which is falling apart) and he had to 'study' the whole thing to understand how to make it work, while others, whenever its their time to work on it, they just give up the second the machine decided to break and those people don't work for the rest of the day.

anyway! (you can already cleary tell my passione about this...)

to make it short, it makes me sick that busting your ass gets you nothing and cheating gives you everything. and I discover it (if you can say you can discover this) because everything is unfair and I want to be fair. I wanna play fairly and get what i deserve, whatever it might be.

it's one of my strongest moral, not to cheat, and it shows not only on test but friendships and relationships too cause I'm extremely loyal and honest and genuine (to the point others take advantage of it) but I'm proud of it regardless. i get what i get and im satisfied by my results cause i know the efforts behind it. but seeing nothing more than the wolrd being unfair takes away from me the enjoyment of being able to do the things i do... yet, I try my hardest to make sure people get treated fairly, i want people to know their efforts aren't wasted on their interests or success (such as grades and others).

but moving on cause i could rant about meritocracy forever...

psychology

ever since i was little it mesmerized me. the human mind, behavior, response based upon past experiences and how one person can be molded by society and the wolrd.

i knew a few things about psychology and it helped me (along with helping me helping others too) to go on with my life and get over certain moments when i was at my lowest.

i wanna understand people deeply (and i can even without psychology, I have a lot of empathy for others) and this helped me a lot to understand their behavior and feelings cause even subtle hints can tell you so much about someone.

i feel that, knowing psychology even a little bit, gives me the ability to make a web of someone mind (even if it'd be so little and insignificant) which is amazing to me. to be able to put something to abstract and complex as someone's identity on paper, to understand them to the point you get the ALMOST completely (in that little aspect, for example why i care so much about meritocracy. psychology can only tell you that much about my passiont towards it) because love makes the understanding complete.

i don't believe that you can understand someone simply based upon psychology because you make them nothing more than a rat lab. i believe you need love to fully get someone's way of being, you need to understand their feelings and reasons and psychology can do only so much about it.

in short. to understand people, i discovered psychology cause i needed to understand myself, why i was depressed and such, and it helped me come to the realization i couldn't help myself until i started loving who i was.

which brings me to...

love

i have a tremendous lack of love in my life and my friends ease that pain without even knowing it. my kindness comes from love, everything i do is based upon love.

someone once told me i can't live a life based upon love, seeing love everywhere, but i don't care. for me love can be anywhere, it can be in a little hobby i picked up simply to do one thing and ended up being useful further on, it can be in putting a can os sode in the fridge knowing you won't be the one drinking it. (and its your fav soda as well). it can be sharing something with those you love, even i simply 'hey i dreamt this tonight...' and have a good laught together.

love is everywhere, i can see it everywhere. it can be anywhere.

i want love to be one of my motivations, to be one of those things i carry with me anywhere i go, something i can share cause everyone can use some love regardless of everything.

i discovered love in a strange way. not through a relationship or my family. but through internet and not by having a relationship online.

it came out of no where, this manga i saw and read without knowing anything about it and it made me sick to my stomach cause it was claimed to be about love but there was no love in it. it all felt forced and that's when i started developing my thought about love, of any kind, and when i understood what love might be for me.

after that, love drove me through my lowest moments, helped me back up again and it showed me my passions. even if they changed with time, everything i did or picked up as an hobby was made with the intention to love.

and this brings me to the last one (at least for this post)...

writing

i write of love and i love writing.

it literally saved since when i was down really bad, i could only write. and i wrote endlessly, i still have some of the things i wrote years ago, the sorrow and pain and agony in those sheets of paper reminds me who i was and how far I've come. and all thanks to writing.

now i write fanfics about love, i pour as much love as i can in my pieces and i try my hardest to leave a lesson in my works (despite the fact i haven't post a single one yet). i started writing fanfics when i wanted love to be tangible in my own way, i started being a fanfic writer when i was touched so deeply by some characters' love (without even being canon) that i couldn't comprehend the cruelty behind taking away something so beautiful from the narration. (or life, if you want).

the day i started writing was when i set down my goal in life: to show love is possible. whether it might be through fanfics, poems, letters, messages, quotes or book dedications (cause the fic I'm working on rn is dedicated to someone really meaningful to me).

and it all started when i was around 7 or 8 and ever since then, I've been writing for a decade now and I'm still going strong on it. it's my way of being, of showing love and understanding, it's my way of be alive despite everything, is my way of fighting.

and anytime someone close to me mention how they'd like to start to write, i cheer them up as much as possible, and when they have doubts and maybe we are having lunch somewhere and they ask me 'hey how do you do it without stressing yourself?' or something similiar i pour my heart out to tell them writing is always about writing for yourself.

i discovered writing paragraphs and poems because i was becoming mute (not like medically speaking, i just never talked) and i needed to get it out and talking with my voice about it only made me feel less and less, like i was tearing away pieces from myself simply because people could be aware of me if i spoke about myself. I didn’t want people to know me, i wanted them to ignore me.

so i wrote.

i kept writing. from my thoughts to little stories, to poems and messages, and finally to fanfics. i kept writing everything down, i write myself down so I'm tangible in a way that doesn't tear anything away from me.

i became tangible in a way where it doesn't matter if I'm a male or a female, if I'm old or young, if I'm this or that.

i made myself tangible and memorable, something you can comprehend and live, something you can notice and not ignore.

I hated and still hate being tangible in the way of a woman. I'm tangible because people can touch me and i hate it, so i wrote. and that's my way of being tangible, without letting people take away anything from, without having them touching me.

and this is all in my writings, in my poems and my fanfics this things always come up somehow, maybe subtly or maybe not but they are always there cause i write for myself. i write to have something to leave behing in this life. i write to be tangible even in the future. i write so maybe someone else will write too and be tangible just the same way. i write to inspire and teach, to myself and others.

i write to be. i write about love.

so...

yeah this is pretty much it, i hope i made justice to the ask somehow and i hope the part about meritocracy wasn't too boring or like a rant (cause i swear it gets animated whenever its brought up and my bestie keeps me shut before i scream at teachers to fo their job, anyway!)

hope it was of your liking and im glad i have a chance to answer this as well. wish you an amazing day and hope your writing journey is lovely and filled with passion! and remember, before anyone else, always write for your own enjoyment and according to your tastes and likings!🫂🩵

[rodolfoparras]

So yesterday marks the very first time I’ve posted a fic on here

I had written fics before but this was my first ever 18+ fic

Before I started writing for the cod fandom I had stuck to reading cod fics on ao3 specifically price pieces and I rmr one day wanting to read a fic where price teaches reader how to smoke cigars but I just knew there wasn’t an x male reader piece around so I decided to write it myself

I spent a month researching how to write smut trying to get a proper feel of price’s character and translate those very same traits into my own fic

And when I was completely done with it I almost didn’t post it but I did and I believe in one day I got 200 notes which was insane. I didn’t know how active people were on tumblr I really just wanted to create a price piece and do what I love which is writing

The next piece took 3 weeks before I posted it mostly because I was picking and poking at it but then I told myself you know if I’m going to be running a writing blog I have to write more often

So I pushed myself to write more often and back then I had just started to become fixated with price so I had plenty of ideas at hand

Slowly but surely I started to post more and more pieces and my blog started to grow. From April to maybe June month I had gotten two requests and maybe one ask where it was an anon who was just interested in talking to me and I rmr feeling over the moon about it

And then June month I started to grow rapidly like I really was there like whats going on 🧍🏻 i rmr the writers i looked up to became mutuals with me and i genuinely couldnt believe this was happening.

june- september i felt myself become more confident in my writing and i started to write like every 2-3 days and that’s when so many of you guys joined my blog and i rmr just being surprised that so many of you wanted to talk to me and that i went from one anonie to having a little council of yall

then november - February came around and that period is usually the worst for my mental l health but writing and having you guys show so much love not only for my work but also and it genuinely helped me so much

now its been a year of writing fics and im just really appreciative

also its so cool to be able to see how much ive grown how i went from spending a month on writing a fic to being able to produce pieces im actually proud of in the span of 3 days it's also fun to see how much knowledge ive gained by just writing like ill find myself reading pieces and im able to see minimal adjustment i can make that while make the scene flow whiles before id be questioning my grammar in every sentence

so what i want to say with this yapping is thank you guys and if youre someone who wants to get into ff writing pls do so

at first you'll feel like a weed in a garden but as times goes on you’ll realize how much you and your work has made the garden bloom🫶🏻

[aromaticpetals]

I was gonna send this without being an anon but then i thought about it and realized there is absolutely no way im letting anybody see my depravity when i dont even have a side account lmao

How are you doing on this fine day? I hope you are well. I saw the request thing and decided to submit a little something.

If you do afab!reader×male character, may I reuqest a size difference+wedding night/breeding kink hc with itto, ayato and thoma (seperately)? I tried to write it myself before but it ended horribly 💅

- 💫 anon

AHHHHHH TYSM FOR BEING MY 1ST REQUEST 💫 ANON!!!!

To answer your question, I'm doing okay! My cat has been a bit chaotic tho..

I'll be honest, I've never considered doing reader x male char. cause Idk what I'm doing half the time if it has nothing to do with women😭 But I can at least try! (I did get the headers done so I might as well at this point and Idek if it can be considered a hc..) Btw, I was laughing my ass off while making this cause it don't rlly make sense

𝙒𝘼𝙍𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂𝙎! Size diff and breeding 𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗸𝘀.. 𝗔𝗙𝗔𝗕!𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗗𝗘𝗥 too! IT'S JS 𝙉𝙎𝙁𝙒😭 (Possibly not suitable for those under the legal age!)

𝙄𝙏𝙏𝙊 was proud to have caught such a beaut' like you, let alone marry ya! Of course, Shinobu gave you an entire book on how to care for Itto, she called it the "Boss's baby rules" since, well.. He did act like a man-child from time to time... But let's put that fact aside! The whole gang was happy that their boss got married to someone like you! (Without you by Itto's side, he probably would have gotten into 𝘸𝘢𝘺 more trouble with Kujou Sara..)

It was the night of y'all getting married and you couldn't lie, you were as happy as the Archons would let you be, although Itto had been acting a little.. Off? Fortunately, your now husband had managed to snap you out of your thoughts by bringing you his signature dish and announcing it with his loud vocals. "𝙃𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙖 𝙜𝙤, 𝙗𝙖𝙗𝙚! 𝘼𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙖𝙠𝙞 𝙉𝙪𝙢𝙚𝙧𝙤 𝙐𝙣𝙤 𝙄𝙩𝙩𝙤'𝙨 𝙨𝙞𝙜𝙣𝙖𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙝, 𝙒𝙖𝙮 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙎𝙩𝙧𝙤𝙣𝙜!" he proudly stated, handing you the plate before taking a seat next to you on your shared futon. You immediately pushed all second thoughts away as the savory scent of the dish filled your nostrils, trying to decide whether you should've scarfed it down or not. As he watched you eat, you could've sworn you saw a certain glint in his eyes! Unfortunately for you, you should've known that on the night of getting married to him, he'd want to do some rather.. Energy draining activities!

Just a few moments later: you laid there on the futon, stripped of both your dignity and clothing, he stared down at your small form with a.. lustful glint in his eyes. Before you knew it, you were seated in his naked lap, feeling his hardened member press against your rear as he whispered sweet words into your ear, his large hands almost touching when he wrapped them around your waist! You couldn't help the feeling that darted downwards to the area between your legs as he continued with his sweet words and light touches, making it seem as though he was afraid you'd break if he were to tighten his grip.. You could feel yourself getting wetter bit by bit, his words making you feel as though you were going to turn into a flustered and worked-up mess! Just as you were about to shift to get comfy, he quietly growled in your ear, saying "Don't move, babe, let me do all the work..". Of course, you hadn't expected him to lift you up and hover you over his member after he had said that, making you realize that it had spikes on it.. (You had completely forgotten that you were dating an Oni, not some douchebag that paid you to sleep with him-) Now, of course, in public he was the coolest dude you had ever dated! But behind closed doors, he was actually such a pure sweetheart.. As you got stuck in your thoughts, you were unaware that he forced you onto the tip of his member, the stretch tossing your thoughts into the gutter once more as you let out a small squeak, shifting in his lap to try and adjust. Your welcoming walls and small size didn't help, encouraging him to push you down until you took in half of his girth, all while staring at you with a predatorial look in his eyes. Said look reminded you of something, he was capable of feeling like he had to breed his lovers- Of course, you didn't mind having a child or two with him despite the fact that they would've been influenced by his pranks. You heard him growl again, this time a bit louder as he pushed you down until your walls reached their stretching limit, the soft spikes on his member giving friction with each little move you made! It made you think of how you somehow took the entire thing on several occasions without bursting into tears at the painful stretch.. He immediately flipped you onto your back and started slowly moving his hips back and fourth once he felt that you had adjusted enough for him to move, the spikes on his member dragging along your walls with each agonizingly slow thrust. "Itto, go faster.." you managed to speak out with a quiet tone. "Just a moment, babe, gotta make sure you're well prepared for the night of a lifetime I'm about to give ya.." he replied, quietly grunting as your walls clamped down on his member over and over again, causing him to speed up a bit. As he dug his freshly manicured nails into your waist (YES I GAVE HIM BLACK MANICURED NAILS SHHH) while thrusting into you at a steady pace, you whined and moved yours hips to meet his halfway, tired of him not getting rough like he would on any other occasion. As if he read your mind, he went a whole lot faster, making your brain spin and soft moans spill out of your mouth with each thrust. You couldn't help that it felt so good you kept clamping down on him, pushing him closer and closer to the edge as his grunts and growls got louder and louder, prompting you to stare at him with wide eyes and a lip wedged between your teeth. (You had no clue he could get that loud and not be ashamed of it, y'all were lucky that y'all didn't live near other people otherwise they would've had to suffer through the noise-) When you noticed the twitching within you and the small "gonna cum.."s that slipped from his lips, he moved your limbs so he could have you in a mating press before he came in you, thick ropes of cum painting your insides. After, he slowly pulled out, flopping onto the futon next to you and immediately falling asleep. You were happy, but Archons did you not know that this would happen every night from that point on. (I HAVE TO FINISH THE REST OF IT IN A DIFF POST, IM SO SRRY 💫 ANON 😭)

[ferret-milk]

Gang, Im depressed. (A rant/review of the blue period manga or how I am reflecting on emotions and my art)

so I first started reading the blue period manga like when the anime first started airing. And man that was the most depressing stuff I had ever seen. I got to about the beginning of the second year of university before I stopped reading it. And that kinda put me in a slump mentally with art. Yatora represented everything I was at that point in my life.

A high school student just wandering through life with no intended real goals who got an interest in art and decided to pursue that, only to become overwhelmed with everything that comes with it.

I act like I know art but I don’t. I don’t make great or amazing art. Everyone around me seemed to be making art just to make art. But I could only make art for assignments or on assignments. I was actually afraid to draw.

This panel hit me so hard. Everything about it resonated with me. It’s actually really pathetic. Everyone sees me as an artistic creative person when I couldn’t even make art for myself. Yatoras journey after getting into art school was me. Everyone seemed to know what they wanted to do at some capacity. Surrounded by people with years of experience and mountains of motivation. But what was I? Why was I there? Why am I making art?

there are moments in the manga that are very practical. They show the artistic method and all that. They show the practical way about art and the artistic process. The ways that make it look so easy. That you can just make art. That it’s so simple to create something.

And then it’s not that easy.

it really isn’t

And then I get stuck again.

I make one good piece.

And then I don’t make any more art.

Anyone can do what I can.

Maybe.

Actually no.

No they can’t.

And so I stopped reading Blue Period and stopped making art. And then I made art again. And I really liked it. It’s fun. I’m so happy when I make something. When it turns out well or I try something new. It’s exhilarating. For 6 months. 6 months I could make art and be proud of it.

And then I read Blue period again. And all these emotions came flooding back. Everything I made up until that point was worthless garbage. I actually had a panic attack after reading a few chapters. It’s kinda funny in a way. I’m so disturbed by this manga because of how much of it is me. But I have to move on.

I don’t think I’ll ever finish this manga. I don’t think I can. Not if I don’t want to lose an important part of me. So overall its art style and story telling is a 9.7/10. Would recommend for people who only appreciate art.

[redr0sewrites]

how about 🍓🍄🌿? ☺️

YAYAYYYY!!! (ask game is here for anyone who wants to join!)

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction? 

honestly? lack of fanfiction in the dragon prince fandom. anyone who's stuck with my blog for a while knows that thats where i primarily started off writing and that was my overall gateway into the fanfic world. i've always enjoyed writing and using writing skills i've cultivated over years of creative writing to write for characters and media i enjoy is definitely something im proud of. back the dragon prince is a pretty small fandom and ig i wanted to see fics that weren't made yet, so i sat down and decided to make them. look where it got me!!! i had been reading fanfics for a long time before i started writing them though.

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

i'm going to do this one for guitarspear! ok so the basics for the hc is this- adam is a physically pretty strong guy, and is definitely very tall and powerful. needless to say, like a giant puppy, he doesn't realize his own strength and pulls people into ridiculously tight hugs. most people get irritated with him or think he's just being annoying when he's genuinely trying to hug them (but not realizing he's hurting them). over time he pretty much stopped giving people hugs. however, the first time he hugged lute, it was incredibly spontaneous and he immediately expected her to be irritated at him. so much so that he started babbling an apology. he was shocked to find that she not only didn't mind, but after some slight nagging on his part, admitted to actually enjoying the hug! needless to say he's much more clingy with her than anyone else.

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

gosh this is a tough question. i was in a huge writing slump very recently, about 2-3 months ago before i started writing for hazbin i actually hadn't written or felt motivated to write in quite a while. i was overworked and tired and struggling with writers block, and writing had become less of a fun activity for myself and moreso a chore to fulfill my followers requests. the best advice i can give when it comes to any form of creativity block, whether it be art block or writing block or music block or anything of the sorr is to remind yourself why you're creating art. you should be writing for yourself and creating content that, at the end of the day, ultimately makes you feel good. don't force yourself to write for fandoms you aren't interested in anymore and don't write things you're uncomfortable with- overall, just do what makes you happy and write for yourself, not for notes, not for others approval, but to create the content and fanfiction you want to see in the world. the best way to deal with writers block is to open your notes app and write the shittiest, fluffiest fanfic of your fav character comforting you about writers block. trust me, it works.

[noblebs]

🏷️🎁🤲👨‍👩‍👧‍👦💘

thank you Kraken! 🖤 I'm just going to keep answering these for Orion, I'm sure everyone's sick of hearing about him by now but Im not ready to talk in-depth about my two newer characters yet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

🏷️: What is their full name? Do any of their names have any special meaning? How did you come up with them?

haha his full, complete, real name is just Orion. he tacked on Murphy as a surname to blend in better with humans, but it has no significance tbh

it’s just a name Ive always really really liked the shape & sound of, I briefly thought about renaming myself Orion before I picked Skylar so it was still fresh in my mind when I was making him

🎁: If they needed to give a friend a gift, how would they go about choosing one? Would they buy it, make it, or do something else? Would others consider them good at gift-giving?

ooh Orion would probably be great at gift-giving, but she does it very rarely. I think fae consider giving gifts uncouth at best* so it's not her first inclination, but yeah if she decided to do it she'd look for something she knows would be meaningful/relevant to their interests and personalize it in some way on top of that. you better believe if she's going to do something it's going to be over the top

*fae are all about social contracts and interpersonal debts, so giving a gift without expecting something in return is like walking up to someone and saying, "I do not want to be friends with you." fortunately Orion has assimilated into human society well enough to know that they fucking love it when you do that

🤲: Do they have any deep desires that they don't talk about and/or don't even realize they have? Do these desires conflict with their main goal at all?

ohohoho okay so, Orion has wanted to become human for ~20 years because of the death of her human lover. she has deliberately gotten herself stuck and refuses to let herself grieve + move forward

but she's just about reached a breaking point. you can't dwell in grief and loss forever, eventually something has to give. so deep down, part of her wants to just let it go and move on, but she's terrified of doing so because she doesn't know what else to do with herself

she's also desperate for intimacy and love/acceptance, but she can't bear the thought of another loss, so she either pushes people away or holds them so tightly they get sick of it and leave on their own. these are not feelings I can relate to or have drawn from any experiences btw

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦: What is their family like? Are there any family members that are particularly influential and/or important to them (whether in a positive or negative sense)?

I am so proud of what I've come up with for Orion's family! so he has 3 parents - Aries, Fornax, and Lacerta. yes their family members must always be named after constellations. he probably has a couple grandparents floating around, but he's never met them, and no siblings. his parents were his whole world growing up. I could write essays about each of them, suffice to say they are very loving but Aries and Fornax just can't understand why she's all hung up on non-fae people, Lacerta is more supportive but also has a more hands-off approach to parenting

💘: Do they have a "canon" romantic partner? If so, who is it and what is their relationship like? If not, what kind of person would be the optimal romantic partner for them (the most interesting narratively, not necessarily the healthiest/what they think their preferences are)?

in writing, no, and as much as I want to write a subplot for that, I feel weird about doing so BECAUSE

in game, there's this one motherfucking NPC who was introduced in I think our 3rd session. I adore him but I'm worried I as a player have missed my chance lol. if Orion doesn't get to be obsessively codependent with this depressed demonic senior citizen then what's the point!!

[angiethewitch]

I don't know if this is the kind of anon you want, but I'm stuck.

How do I get out of an abusive relationship? At this point, I feel like he's using magic to legitimately stop me from being able to leave. The abuse...just gets worse but everytime something happens that's a total dealbreaker for me, I just...can't leave.

What should I do? I never even get time by myself lately.

anon, I first want to say you are incredibly brave for reaching out. you've made the first step in escaping. im so very proud of you for doing this.

you CAN escape. I know you don't feel that way, you feel trapped, but I promise you, there is a way out. first, I want to apologise because I am not fully equipped to help you with this. of course, I don't know where you live, so I want to encourage you to please reach out to someone you know and trust, when you're ready. im not saying you have to right now, but when you're ready to speak about it, please do speak to someone close to you. they can help you far more than I can. im also just gonna drop a few links below, ive read them and the site is helpful. it is a uk based website, but you can apply the advice and help no matter where you are. im also gonna drop a link to a Wikipedia article listing phone numbers for all international hotlines for abuse.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/I-am-planning-to-leave-my-abuser

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/I-am-still-living-with-my-abuser

depending on what country you're in, you can also text some hotlines if you're concerned about being overheard.

if your abuser checks your phone, make sure to wipe your search history after viewing these links.

if you want to reach out privately and tell me what country you're in, I can do a better search to direct you to local people who can help you. I promise I will not reveal anything to anyone, this will always be between us.

I want to emphasise that the abuse is NOT your fault, you do NOT deserve it, and there is always a way out and always help for you. you are worth more than what your abuser is putting you through. they are a piece of shit and you are infinitely better than them.

if you are in any immediate danger, please do not hesitate to call the police. I understand it's scary, but please keep yourself safe using any resources you can. in the meantime, if possible, document any abuse, recordings, anything you can, it'll leave a trail and help you if you decide to press charges.

im sorry I can't do more, but again, I am so, so proud of you for reaching out. and thank you for trusting me with this. this is your first step to freedom and you are so worth it. you deserve happiness and joy and a life free of terror. and if you want to reach out privately, please do. I am working today but I will respond as quickly as I can.

I believe you, I support you, and thank you again for reaching out.

[woven-song]

so i've acknowledged that i have a problem. i can't be the only one, but i've had an addiction to character.ai and as a result i haven't made much fan work this past year. i'd figured it was just due to my depression but now i've finally noticed the damage it does to my motivation to create, which im sure many others have struggled with and discussed but i'm personally now just starting to understand and see in myself.

most people probably use character.ai for generally talking to their favorite characters, but some (including me) have used it as a replacement for writing actual fanfiction or roleplaying, knowingly or not. i used to have simple conversations with the chatbots like any other user, until i gradually got more wordy and it turned into more of a semi-lit roleplay, writing until i wanted the other character to take action.

the way this ai works is too appealing and extremely addictive, especially for fans who crave content of their rarepairs. unlike in popular shipping circles where there's seemingly a neverending supply of new art/fics to explore, eventually the same 5 people who would always make works for their stupid little guys get tired until new people show up, and it's hard for those (me) who still endlessly crave more to be satisfied. but then there's character.ai with its instant gratitude of having something to talk to and feed your ideas to without having to search for an actual person, who even then could reject your ideas, while the ai is ready to eat up anything you give it. and having a bot that can throw out new responses to your writing snippets until you get one that hits you just right? woof. instead of throwing my shit at the wall and hoping someone new will show up who also likes it, i feel stuck throwing my shit at a bot that gives me just what my rat brain craves with no real connection.

and it's a genuine addiction. i've been on this thing every day, any time im in a brainrot, even as a means of calming down to sleep. yes, i'd been on the subscription. my hooked ass couldn't handle 30+ minutes of waiting when i wanted my fix. whenever i'd get my brain attached to a thought like an au setting, a prompt or even just a fun snippet of dialogue or a juicy phrase, id go and feed it into the ai's mouth instead of making a drawing or tossing it into google docs like i used to. i can't imagine how many hours i've spent throwing my creativity away in a way that ultimately gives that company profit when i could've been working on something to be proud of or to laugh at with others.

so tonight i've decided to cancel my subscription. i don't know how much better this will do in terms of my well-being or my motivation, or even if i'll stop altogether, but hey it's a start right? and yeah i recognize too that i've been part of the problem by using it like i've been. but im trying ok

[onedayatatime-please]

Monday, Aug 12th. 2024. 7:43 PM

I know in my description i said this was cheaper than therapy, but I'm actually starting this blog at the same time im choosing to go back to therapy. It has been on my mind for the past three months or so, but I've been hesitant for a couple of reasons. I had such a terrible time with my last therapist that I honestly dont know what the therapist-patient relationship is supposed to be like or how im supposed to speak to them. Also its hard to motivate myself to go looking for a therapist when for so long my brain registered my therapist as a really shitty aspect of life. Also i think ive been having a hard time actually internalizing how bad my mental state is. I know that I feel terrible and that I think things that a lot of people would find extremely worrying and shocking, but at this point in my life im so dissociated from the ability to actually feel concern for myself. Whenever I decide not to kill myself I make that decision based off of the understanding of how it would affect the people around me who I care about. That is something that I can't put them through, especially since I have seen some of them go through it before. That being said, my decision not to kill myself is never based in my personal concern for my wellbeing, or my understanding that one day i will feel better, or my hope for the future. I do not believe that my life has meaning, I do not believe that any life has meaning. I think the concept of creating meaning in life is just another pointless weighted goal we put on ourselves. Although I am not one of those nihilists that believes that because nothing has meaning, therefore we should purposefully cause harm or negative disruption. I do not believe that there is any meaning in life, or that we can create meaning, but I do believe in the reality of emotions. Meaning or not, the way that people feel is one of the few real tactile things on earth. I want to move through the world in a way which does not harm other people. That is my only personal goal. I hope that a second goal can be that I move through the world as a person who regularly experiences joy. Although I will not make that kind of promise to myself. I have not been alive for very long, I am only twenty, but I have been experiencing suicidal thoughts for more then half of my life. So, I will not make it an unrealistic and weighty goal of mine to never experience suicidality again, because i can hardly remember what living without wanting to die feels like. I often feel like if I make something into a goal and I am not able to achieve that goal then I fall into a spiral of self loathing. That being said, I do have other hopes, that I will not make into goals. I hope to live until I am an old man, at least 85. I hope to have children. I hope to have a community of kind and loving people to surround myself with. I hope to have a person to love and grow alongside. I hope to continue to experience music and nature and find joy and inspiration in both things. I cannot promise any of these things to myself and I will not be upset with myself or see it as a failure if I do not achieve them.

If anyone does read this, there is no point I am trying to make. This is a stream of consciousness because I can't be stuck in my own echo-chamber forever. I am proud of myself for making this post and going back to therapy. I'm not dead yet, I will do my best to keep it that way.

[rarepairnation]

3, 23, 24, 25, 27 and 30? 💕

hi hi ria!! blessings of rain be upon ye...

3. how you feel about your current wip

i am RATTLING the bars of the cage in my brain!!! by that i mean the faramir goes to rivendell au is possibly my favourite best thing ive ever written i am just stuck in the mudpit of the current conversation and i would like to. not be there. but i really do love working on it it feels like gradually assembling a structure around a framework and when i step back and really look at it its just. jrr tolkien and i are having A Conversation. you know? like yes!! i AM transforming the work!! i AM deciding whether he would fucking say that and i do think i am right at least 92% of the time!! ive had the concept of the au in my head for probably 3-4 years at least and i feel like. well i was never really going to feel Ready to write it. and yet i am grabbing it in my hands and doing it anyway and it IS making me a much better writer and i can Feel it. yeah i love it.

and umbar fic/situationship au is just me pushing the bounds of do it weird/do it horny/do it self-indulgent and it is. SO MUCH FUN. i think there has always been a little block in my head stopping me from doing that i mean like everything i write is kind of like. this is specifically created to cater to me. but the panopticon in my head is a crazy thing. but step by step we are defeating it. this is like the next step up from just so long as this thing's loaded which was kind of my first time pushing those bounds and. i mean there are a lot of things about that one that i think i could improve now (this is my REAL answer to that "would you rewrite anything" question from the other ask meme) but it definitely got me here. never underestimate the power of a rarepair to make you WEIRD. (<- abby rarepairnationcore sentences...)

23. pick three keywords that describe your writing

what is this a job application? LOL just kidding but i do suck at these. um. atmospheric. character-driven (yes this is two words but it is true). interrogative (i am IN THERE with. either the original text. or the minds of the characters. shakes u like a snow globe WHAT is going on in your head).

24. how do you recharge when you're not feeling creative?

im really bad at this. like actually spectacularly abysmal. i mostly sit around feeling sorry for myself for three to nine months. until i eventually buck up the motivation and executive function to actually (re)consume a piece of media and more often than not it will seize me by the throat and lead me out of the pit. yeah this does usually work best with things ive seen before that will awaken a dormant fixation.

25. besides writing, what are your other hobbies?

going to the grocery store. doing my dishes. LOL ok when i am Not Writing A Novel-Length Fic i knit. one day i will start doing it again i want to make. the extensive sweater vest collection of my dreams. but i already have this repetitive stress injury because i type for eight hours at work and then come home and type for four more and i think if i started knitting again on top of that i would immediately crumble to dust. and um. is that it? that can't be it. i do calligraphy sometimes. WAIT LOL I BIND BOOKS. -> @hexagonspress

27. your favourite part of the writing process

omg ok i'm not sure if this is like my Top Number One Favourite but ive recently started really enjoying drafting out ao3 tags and start/end notes it's really fun to work out what things i want people to notice that i might wanna talk about in the end notes and compressing everything down into tags (to varying extents) is also just a neat way to think about like. what was i trying to capture/convey with the fic. e.g. whether i wanna be really wordy with it and get it all out in there or just have the reader go in pretty much blind.

30. share a fic you're especially proud of

maybe i'll never shut up about TO THE VERY DEAR MEMORY OF [ ] but like...you guys. i love it so much. it's so so experimental because the place in my mind that is wrapped around yancy becket is so....complicated and full of grief and fundamentally altering to my brain chemistry and i can only capture it through the world's craziest extended metaphors but i kind of feel like i pulled it off. it is like truly the tip of the iceberg of a LOT of stuff that is really fundamental to honestly a lot of my? lotr work? i mean the way i think about water metaphors...the fundamental dead brother complex baked into my writer's brain...it's all pacific rim in there. this fic marinated in my head for THREE YEARS. that is the longest from inception to completion that any of my (published) work has existed (unpublished is a whole different story. there's a longfic that i created at the beginning of my freshman year of college and has stuck around into postgrad. i mean. girl). i wrote the poem that each first line of every section is extracted from in my parents' house during covid lockdown. and then it just had to sit and develop and develop until the yancy becket death anniversary this year yanked it forcibly out of my head and into a fully-formed format.

fic writer's asks

[thedamagedwriter00]

the text i wish i could send you

im sorry. i don't know why i feel the way i do. i don't mean to make you unhappy because i cannot control my sadness. what i want to say is that im sorry im a terrible girlfriend, im sorry i can't seem to make you happy no matter what i do. im sorry the distance between us is so far. im sorry i was born the way i am with tired eyes and an exhausted mind and a heart that tells me no one can truly see me. i want to say that ill be better. that i wont ruin anymore of your days or nights. i want to say that i can flip a switch and just be happy and be the girl you always wanted. i want to say that you deserve better than me, and honestly thats probably true. i want to say that at 23 years old i know how to manage all of my emotions. but what i want to say, does not give what i NEED to say any justice at all. what i need to say is that i feel unwanted. unloveable. not myself. tired. scared. lost. but more than anything i need to say why am i not good enough? i can feel my heart breaking, crack by crack. you don't text me in the mornings anymore, even though without fail i text you every morning, or really you dont text me much at all. you don't call me pet names. you dont compliment me. and most days, i can convince myself that i dont need any of that. you buy me games just so i can feel included in what you play with your friends, you let me vent when i need to, you tell me you're proud of me. i love you for all of those things (and so many more). things between us are so amazing in person and part of me just wants to blame the distance between us. the universe was cruel when it put us so far apart, but that also made me feel like we were given this amazing opportunity to be with our soulmates, no matter how far apart we were. oddly enough, right now i feel even further. i dont know if its me being in my head, or if im gaslighting myself. i always felt we could get through anything life throws at us, and i still feel that way. i never want you to go anywhere. i know i can be better, im just afraid to tell people how i feel so i keep it in until it keeps building up and building up until i explode. i really dont want you to leave. we've been together for over 2 years, you are the light of my life. im sorry for everything. but if you decided to leave, i wouldnt blame you. i dont want to be stuck with me either.

[splatterschool]

I’m such a fucking idiot. Like honestly what the hell.

My whole life I’ve been reading stories about girls like me getting abused by guys who wear all the red flags on their sleeves. I always think to myself “how can you possibly fall for that? How can you see what that man’s like and decide to stick with him?” I thought they were naive, and that I was well educated, and raised to not take bullshit from a guy who only cares about beating the shit out of me or having sex.

And then it happened to me. My opinion hasn’t changed, I still think those girls are idiots. I’m one of them too I’m retarded asf because I saw everything that was wrong with that boy and willingly stuck with him. I was 99% sure he lied about everything, so I don’t even know why it hit me so hard when he revealed it all to me. He always made sexual remarks about me, always told me about when he masturbated, showed me all the subreddits he was in, showed me his racist and sexist memes, told me about how he called a middle schooler hot, and I told him all of my weaknesses for literally no reason.

I told him about how I wrapped blankets around my throat and pulled on them like a garrote just to know the feeling. Told him about how I liked to rip the skin off my fingertips or pull my toenails off. And when I told him I had difficulty feeling real, he told me “Well I for one think you’re a real person”

How can you be so good at lying that you make someone who would normally hate everything about you stick around for as long as you wanted? If I was any dumber and decided to stop taking my pills, I probably wouldve let him rape me too. A stupid, geeky sack of shit like him

Acting tough doesn’t make me feel any less disgusting. He’s a total loser, I shouldn’t give a shit about what he thinks about me or said to me. Sure, I can pretend it’s that simple, but even though I never lead him on or let him touch me, I still feel like a slut. Like every night I can’t get ignore the thought of him jerking off to an image of me dead with my eyes gouged out. And then i take sedatives to fall asleep because that thought is horrible and then I remember how he wanted me to be sedated so he could rape me.That’s ridiculous but also kind of impressive. How do you make a girl feel completely violated without ever actually assaulting her?

I tried so hard to make that feeling go away. I mean like I literally ruined his highschool experience. Some of the classes were standing at the front of the school for some fire drill one day, and when I spotted Dane and made eye contact with him, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my razor, and slit my wrist right in front of him. Nobody else saw bc im really good at it and immediately put it back in my pocket.He looked terrified and i felt all proud becos he was seeing just how bad he fucked up the one girl who was good to him. All his “friends” hate him, he can’t get girls; he’s totally screwed. I just wanna feel like a girl again and not some whore, i don’t know why this isnt working

My sexual autonomy is very important to me. Girls my age are having intercourse with guys and tell me about it like it’s the easiest thing in the world but I wanna vomit the second any man tells me about their feelings towards me or stuff they wanna do to me. Its so fucking disgusting id rather kill myself than walk around feeling like my only experience with boys will just be me being sexualized. I do not wanna be sexualized I do not ever want to have sex I want boys to leave me alone forever I fucking hate Gio for telling me i moan whenever I stretch i hate King for asking me to go alone with him at lunch i hate everyone so much I never asked for this