#debated whether i should put this in the main tag lol

[astragatwo]

Is that Dongrang in Yi Sang's newest ID, or am I imagining things

[the-shy-artisan]

✨skin✨

[zosanbrainrot]

ok @riot-control-camp I need to shout you out because you wrote it SO WELL in your tags, it's like you peered right into my brain gdkdjfdjf

(long ass post incoming)

YES YES YES They're communicating, they're miscommunicating, they're talking with and past each other, they are doing in ALL With Sanji it's the never ending push and pull of wanting to be honest and not letting himself be so. And for a million reasons: it's too dangerous, it's my mess, so I need to deal with it, I don't want anybody to get hurt, I don't deserve help... OBVIOUSLY deep down Sanji knows he doesn't wanna be there, he wants to go back to the crew and feel safe with them again, BUT HE CAN'T ASK FOR HELP, he fears the threat is too big and even if the crew were somehow to be allright after angering both Big Mom and Germa, which is insanely unlikely already, what about the Baratie? what about Zeff? Sanji convinced himself he has to do it alone, that it's the only way, besides... the strawhats can just go and find another cook, right? It'll be better for everyone involved if Sanji just goes along with Judge's demand... The safest way, noone dies, he just has to grit his teeth, suck it up and cut ties with everything he holds dear. At least they won't kill him, not right away at least... Not until he's useful one last time. He can't keep his facade fully with Zoro though, he always got under his skin and after already fighting both Luffy and Zoro, it just becomes too much.

THIS ^^^ That's exactly the way I meant it! I wanted to convey that he's hinting at what's really going on in the most roundabout way possible, OFC HE CAN'T SAY DIRECTLY! It's like he's saying to Zoro "I'm doing this to protect the crew and you owe me one, nothing happened, like you asked, now you do the same for me". It's not like with Kuma, Zoro can't take his place this time, noone can, there's no way out... And that still panel, I was debating on whether I should add dialogue there or not, but ultimately they are not gonna reach agreement lol I hope that, after Zoro says "That was different" it leaves you with the space to ask... was it? I mean, of course it was different, but... was it? I have no answer to that, I just wanted to draw a parallel between the two situations and leave it up in the air, I don't think it needs a conclusion And Zoro needs time to process what's happening lol

read me like an open book lmao, that's so awesome!! Anger that's not JUST anger!! You put that so well!

Truth be told I didn't think that much about that first panel lol But I love that it lends itself to an interpretation like that!! I love your observation that usually Zoro takes out more swords the more serious the fight, I wanted him to take out all three at the start in the previous part to show that he leaves no chance for this not going his way, he treats Sanji as a serious opponnent. The only reason he's not wearing his serious-business-bandana is for aesthetic reasons lmao

With that panel I mainely wanted to hint at how the fight went without you know, drawing it all, so I positioned the swords away from the characters in positions that Zoro would not put them away willingly, like they got there during the fight and there was no time to retrieve them before dodging the next kick. Like you say, discarded! Also to show that they're quite evenly matched in a fight with Sanji successfully disarming Zoro and leaving him only with Wado. And what other sword could I leave him with lol it had to be this one.

part 3 is here!

01 02 03

Hii! it's been a hot minute since the previous part, you can see my style shifted a bit, especially when I compare Sanji's hair lol I never know how to draw it, in canon it's more straight but when I'm not thinking about it I instinctively give him more of a wave. It's also generally a bit more loose and sketchy then in the previous ones, I used to use less lines back then. I somehow didn't notice the shift until I was done lmao

I remember I sketched out most of it right along the previous two, but wasn't feeling the panels after "nothing happened" and BAM over 2 months pass and I drew the panels with the hands and OH MY I'm so happy with those, they are a bit dramatic I admit lol but I love a good closeup shot, the way you can push forward a story with just showing small gestures!! And it's something different from the constant ping-pong of the shots where you can see them talking, so it's a breather but it's also holding a lot of tension!

In this sequence MagicPoser was a real help, I posed the models and moved the camera around so I had anatomy refs from any angle I wanted!

I can't wait to show you the next part, I'm so excited to see what you'll think!! I hope to update sooner than later, but I'm gonna be busy with a freelance gig for a bit :(( hope it goes smoothly!

[fungal-wasted]

Canyon - WoH chapter 9

In which some past sins start crawling on their back but they ignore them.

Summary: Two travelers climb the steep caverns of Fog Canyon. There are unsettling thoughts making their way through the surface, which the wanderer will try to make sense of.

Words: 2.2K

Start from the beginning here

(full chapter under the cut)

.

“Rough shift?”

You nod, taking a sip of warm tea, struggling to restrain the shiver running through your hands. You don't wanna go into details.

“We lost another one. A fly.” You lost a couple of bugs too.

You ask if you have to write to the family.

“No, don’t worry about it. This one has no relatives on our records.”

You nod again, eyes on the tiled floor. 

“Look, none of the standard methods are working so far. We can try keeping them stable for some time but it’s always the same end result. I heard many of the people in the research department are quitting. They don’t wanna raise an alarm, but they can't find anything of use.”

You ask about the bug’s feelings on the current state of things. You can’t remember this insect as clearly as you wish. There is some familiarity. Colleague.

“I don’t know. We really chose the best time to train to become healers. huh?” The sarcasm in those words makes you uneasy. So does the colleagues’ nonchalance. “I don’t think I’m quitting, though. Recently, I was listening to my supervisor. She was talking about an incident with a particularly violent patient. I didn’t hear most of it, but they say they made a… discovery.”

Your digits drum on your cup, faster in pace. You are hesitant to reply or voice an opinion, so you nod to let the other elaborate.

“This man, head of the magic department, has been studying the properties of bugs as they pass away. He believes the cure to this plague is in the power of Soul…”

.

.

You wake up before that sentence ends.

Being honest with yourself, you had feared what would happen when you fell asleep. You find that instinctively, you seek darkness now, as if light threatened to burn you from the inside. In that regard, sleeping should be helpful, but it makes you vulnerable to dreams. Dreams were supposed to be inspiring, blissful, sometimes confusing, but the thought of them now simply causes an instinctive rejection. Thinking about it too much felt as if a swarm of lumaflies flew towards you, threatening to poke at the deepest edges of your memories. What you just experienced wasn’t as bad, so you reassure yourself that there is nothing real to fear.

(But why did you wake up so soon? Why do you feel so nauseous?)

Dreaming doesn’t burn now, but it certainly brings back unpleasant images. Nobody was exempt from such things, you thought as you turned over yourself, pressing your side on the cold floor. Asking about your experiences during the first wave of the plague was similar to asking someone about the weather, as if the breeze in the caverns and the new body count were comparable. But you doubted everyone had seen the same things as you did. 

The truth they painted is not a good one. You feel your insides twist, making you shiver at the implications of your dream.

You could not manage to sleep again, so you sat up, pacing around in hopes that the images would assemble into a coherent story that let you fill in the blanks (that you knew the answer to but didn’t dare to actually think about), and flopped on the nearest seat once it became clear it would take more than merely rotating the same things in your mind to make any progress (admission).

Some time later, you took out the maps you had picked up recently. You were examining the possible routes in Fog Canyon’s map as your companion awoke, and after exchanging a few words and watching them leave, you pick another piece of paper, a new idea on your mind. It is time to do some self examination.

You take a quill, an incomplete map of the Crossroads and write down what you have cleared so far.

And this is where your thoughts go blank for a moment, as you reach the “present” events.

First you write your full name, which you then erase and just leave the first name in there. It feels less formal. Something about your first name still stings, but you dismiss the unease.

Then you write down your age. You are not a young bug just out of the nest, but you are not as experienced as older bugs either.     You were old enough to have a job, but you weren’t quite stable back then. 

You see a spot at the bottom right corner of the map, which seems unfinished. You wonder if the cartographer just never finished to chart down there, or if the place is inaccessible now. The map of the Crossroads seems to focus on the main corridors, where trading took place. You scribble a few homes in there. Your drawings aren’t as good, but you understand the general concept.

That’s Blueshore. The town behind the Blue Lake. 

That… was your hometown. 

(Not anymore.)

You had moved to an apartment in the City, back when your application for a scholarship was accepted.

Scholarship! That rings a bell (one that you’re willing to hear, at least). You can remember the tablet you received on your doorstep: its weight as heavy as the significance of the words in it. Clay is not a common writing material anymore, but prizes of such relevance needed a firmer constitution, for those that wished to preserve it. Your family wanted to hang it on your front door, as a sign of pride. You didn’t let them, embarrassed at the idea, but you still thanked their compliments.

Maybe you should have hung it, just for their sake.

You write that down. That is a reason for being in the City instead of Blueshore, working at home. You were a student. (A healer?) But you also worked. Students like you were doing their internships earlier to account for the demand of healers.

You write down the place you frequented during your internship. You then add a cross next to it, disgusted. You left, you remember that. You will never associate with that place again, and you hope that it's fallen to ruin like everything else. Nothing of value is left in there, and the best it can do is fade into oblivion. (But that doesn’t change the fact you knew of it, and what already happened.)

You close the map and fold it carelessly. It’s started to wrinkle. You don’t mind.

The Archives also come to mind now as you fix your eyes on the bubbles growing from the walls. The trips there bring happier memories. You studied regularly in… the City, but on occasion, bugs like you would visit the canyon’s building. You would hang out by the Queen’s Station and make your way up to the Teacher’s facility along with your fellow classmates. 

The thought cheers you up somewhat, serving as a nice distraction from the previous current, just by the time your friend returns from their walk around the station. They grab your arm and their bag as they talk about their findings.You nod along, feeling a rush of energy in anticipation.

You know exactly where to take them.

The foggy caverns west of the station are as bright as you remember them. The wind blows colder and faster in there, but it is nothing you are not used to. The trihorned bug next to you has their eyes fixed on a group of lumaflies that float around one of the metal signs. There is an improvised drawing of Geo in it, clearly covering a different symbol. After a moment, they speak:

“This looks so much like a scam, look at that paint,” they rub the tip of their nail against it, watching the paint crack beneath. 

“Was that supposed to lead somewhere?” You ask, not finding anything that remotely looked like a bank. You don’t recall there being any building of the sort.

“A dark alley, I guess. You gotta be naive to fall for it though.” They laughed, a memory resurfacing. “One of my brothers, uh, Big Guy, once brought one of these signs home. I’ve no idea how he got it. I bet he stole it though.”

“How did he manage to get away with it?” You ask, puzzled.

“Eh, I think he just found it while partying, he or a friend broke it and took it. Almost everyone was asleep at that time of the cycle so nobody caught him with it on the street. Thing is, I wake up the next day and the fucking Golden Scarab Avenue sign is hanging right next to my head.” 

“Did it startle you?”

“Nah.” They shrug. “I thought it was awesome of him. He was great, it’s why my siblings and I called him ‘Big guy’.” Their pride is palpable in their words. Then, they walk towards the broken sign. ”I kind of…. wanna take this one with me, for old time’s sake.”

You ask them if there is anything that stops them. 

“You’re right, I can just take it. Would it fit in my bag? Maybe not… but I can carry it on my arm. It makes for a shield too.”

“I don’t think anything here will try to attack you.” 

“I just wanna play it safe, pal.” They wave, dismissing the topic and taking the closest staircase. Rigid vines and bubble tree roots have overtaken the walls and some of the tiles on the floor stick out. The taller bug is careful not to trip on their way up. “Hey so, you know where we’re going, right?”

“I do, yes. We are on the right path, even if some aspects have changed.” You touch one of the once smooth stone walls, now covered in branches. “Did you know that the Canyon used to be a part of Greenpath?”

“I think I heard about that once?” They shrug, standing on a stop, waiting for you to arrive. “What do you know?”

“Oh, well, the Archives were a common visit for students and others interested in innovation. Sometimes bugs would take the stag from the storerooms to the Queen’s Station, but I personally liked walking if I had the time.”

“Did you study there? I heard they had some of the best technicians in Hallownest.” 

“I actually just took a class or two there”, you fidgeted with the handle of your nail. “I was not a technician, but I can confirm their expertise. The lumaflies native to this area are used all over the kingdom, and they provide a quick source of energy. That is why a lot of technology was made here.”

“Do they hurt to touch?” They ask, as a swarm gets closer and sparks come out of them. 

“Only if they charge like that. I think there are some ways to lure them but don’t quote me on that.” 

You reach a higher passage, clinging to the thin branches for support where the railings are lacking. The canyon was known for being the nest of the few creatures that could withstand the acidic water in its lakes. Oomas, strange, floating creatures made their home in it. They were a common sight in smaller, less crowded caves, but they had proliferated in the absence of bugs to keep them out of the way. It was no surprise that the most resilient organisms were the ones to thrive in spite of the harshness of nature. Though passive, the oomas made use of the wind and acid for their benefit. 

Even if thousands of bugs wandered into these caverns in a constant stream of travelers, its inhabitants would adapt and regrow. Thin, yet strong branches fed from soil that would kill most other plants and fungi. Those are the often called bubble trees. You think there is some lesson you can get out of their resilience, but you’re sure that many others before you have already done that in the past, likely through more creative and eloquent ways. There is nothing new you can add to the discussion. (And frankly, it feels almost insulting that you, knowing yourself and what you did, should have a say in regrowth of any k—)

“Watch out!”

The trihorn bug tackles you, as an ooma core speeds through, hitting solid rock behind you. The shock causes both of you to trip, their weight turning you over your side. The core collides on a corner, exploding into an orange mass. You hold to your weapon for support as you get up. 

You hear hissing, horror flowing through your veins as you realize the explosion has caused a chain reaction on another ooma, this time closer to you both. 

“Hide in here!” They say, holding the street sign as a shield.

But you don’t have enough time.

You stretch one of your limbs, close your eyes, and focus on yourself, knowing it’s over.

The explosion does not occur where you expect it to, you’re unharmed.

The core has exploded in the middle of the air. Far enough from anything that could potentially perpetuate the chain reaction of explosions.

You sigh in relief.

“How did you do that?!”

Do… what?

“Is that some kind of magic? That was like a fireball!”

“I don’t know.” You reply.

(But you do know, and they know you do, too.)

[what-on-earth-is-love]

it's kind of bizarre to me when people call vanitas and jeanne's romance rushed because like,, it's not supposed to be natural, it's not supposed to be a good romance either. i really don't know how some of you guys came to that conclusion with a relationship that basically starts with a non-con kiss on a first meeting? don't get me wrong, i don't like this ship either and even after their relationship got a bit better i just can't ignore how it started. it's a chaotic toxic relationship between two very traumatized people who never learned how to navigate a relationship healthily, not a romance whose sole purpose is the viewer's enjoyment

[thebillyhargrove]

I can’t believe there’s lucky people out here knowing muns main account, colour me jealous they get Billy AND mun content

- (admin of @mad-max86 )

ooc: honestly i barely use my main anymore since im always busy on this one 😭 i wish post limit didn't apply to all your blogs if you hit it on one, otherwise i'd go fuck around on there for awhile. but that blog is mostly me reblogging steve gifsets/photos and being an absolute maniac in the tags. some writing fanfic/headcanons. posting/reblogging video game stuff and sometimes movies and tv shows. nothing super interesting. ive also done a face reveal on there. i've debated whether i should keep my main a secret or just put my @ in billy's pinned, but i felt like it kind of shattered the illusion so i keep deciding against it. ive gone ooc a LOT on this blog (especially today ugh im so sorry yall) so i've been considering it again but i still feel like i'll be... ruining the magic?? if i do 😭 like, yall wont see billy as billy on here anymore, you'll see him as me, ya know? and i dont want that :( idk y'all let me know ig. max's admin, if u wanna dm me i'll tell u my @ tho!! :D or i could just follow u so u can see it urself lol

[harcidian]

rules: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous, and then tag as many people as you have WIPs

thank you for the tag dears!! @fullmetalscullyy , @vadeofspades , and @bringingglory <3 <3 <3

i’m very particular with titles and filenames and they’re pretty straightforward 😅 so I'll be putting concise descriptions below for context lol. These already have a plot, and my main problem is actually getting to write them HA HA HA also I am only adding wips that I will most likely write

All royai (FMA)

1. rroj log 11, log 12 [1] [2]

fma characters buzzing about what kind of relationship roy and riza has, parallelisms

2. primordial

roy and riza character study, young royai to present, how they came to be, personality, thought processes, how their dynamics work and how it doesn't, psychology crash course jk, will also make a long post that's purely analysis and this is long overdue

3. meridian [1] [2]

post fmab, worldbuilding, fuhrer roy, riza resigns from roy, mostly riza's pov on the expanded world of alchemy that I created, ed and al found a way to "reverse the effects of alchemy" like the nina-chimera thing and i can't believe i based this story on science and by google-searching philosophy concepts

4. flipped

post shamballa. royai fma 03. Roy wanted nothing to do with his subordinate Riza, who has shown unprecedented loyalty for him. Just as he started to look at her differently, she wanted nothing to do with him + winry asking him a favor in exchange for what he's done to the rockbells

5. lowkey

us in the king-sized, keep it a secret. modern au. roy a politician, riza a spy. still debating whether this should be a one-shot or something more (yes this is loosely-based from a NIKI song). okay i think i want to make it "wanna take this downtown?" but i made a vow for myself to avoid long titles sksksk idk idk lemme know

if you want to know more about them, feel free to ask me! I love talking about fma ideas and headcanons, and who knows, maybe we end up brainstorming!

tagging @ymir-me, @darkpersonapeace, @lilisky, @edisacornball,@aureshadow, @a-written-dream, @niconiconina, @firewoodfigs, and @lantur only if you want to, and sorry if you've already done this!

[ev--writes]

Master wip Intro Post (I’m so sorry lol)

I mentioned in my last post that I had notes for upwards of 15 projects in a ton of different formats (side note to myself:whyyyy). Ergo, I thought it would be helpful to do a short overview of all of them, as I’ll probably be doing update posts for all of these at some point.

Also: Thank you for 6 followers already??? I honestly didn’t think anyone would see my last post (especially as I had no idea how tags worked until after I posted it).

Novels

GRACE

“After the sudden death of her childhood best friend and crush Vicky, Robin is invited to spend the summer with her estranged father, his new husband, and her half-sister at their Maine cabin. As her relationships with her father’s family and a fellow vacationing teen Claire grow, her relationships with her remaining friends and mother back home begin to fracture.”  

Oh boy does this book have a backstory.It’s a little complicated to get into right now (I’ll talk about it in my post for this wip), but I got the idea for the original version of this book in April 2016, and it’s been through three major overhauls since then. I’ve done enough planning to start drafting the newest version, but I’m waiting to get a few mostly-complete projects done before I jump in. 

Attic (working title)

“The discovery of a dead body in the attic of Theo’s new house puts a damper on his fresh start. When a singular death becomes a series, Theo and his new friends decide to investigate and discover that the explanation isn’t able to be explained.”

This story also has a long history. I wrote this for NaNoWriMo 2017, overhauled it for NaNoWriMo 2019, and overhauled it again in the middle of that month. I’m currently stuck with a certain aspect, so I’ve put it to the side for the moment.  

Pinewood Guild

“A group of scholarship students at an elite private boarding school obsess over the seemingly unexplainable death of a fellow student.”

This is very much a baby idea, from April of this year. I was having a grand old time writing a different project Three Can Keep a Secret (which I’ll get to later), and I wanted to write another book about terrible people being horrible to each other. I don’t have very many plans for this book at the moment. 

Blood in the Water

“Paul returns to his hometown for the first time since high school to attend the funeral of his brother when he starts to receive anonymous letters. What starts as innocent and quirky quickly turns dark and potentially deadly”

I got this idea in February of this year, as I wanted to write a novel with the letter format. I was supposed to start this project as my “I’m Leaving Highschool Emotional Support Book”, but I’m not sure if I’m going to actually do that.

The Lion Tattoo

“Jordan bonds with classmate Cade over their shared foster care status. As Jordan starts to spend more and more time with Cade, they see a darker side to the boy. When one of Cade’s adventures ends with them sent off to different foster homes, Jordan must turn their life around.”

This is a very old idea that I honestly forgot about. However, there’s still a lot I want to explore with this story, so I’ll probably get to it someday.  

Anthologies

Sunny

“August ‘Sunny’ finally gets engaged to her long-time girlfriend Tatsu, sending her back to the beginnings of their relationship as camp counselors.”

This is a short set of vignettes I wrote as a birthday present to a friend. As it was just for shiggles, it’s not my most sophisticated story, but I’m okay with it. You can actually read this on my Wattpad if you’d like (I’ll add a link here when I figure out how to do that). I also adapted it as a short film because I was bored, if I’m being honest. 

Hypocrite

This is my poetry collection! Some of these poems are based on real life experiences (for example, the poem I named the collection after was based on a friendship that exploded), and others are completely fiction. This might just be my favorite project I’m working on, if I’m being honest. 

Short Story Collection

I can’t title this wip for the life of me, so the name is relatively self explanatory. I’ve written four stories for this so far, and I have three brewing in the notes app.

Safety Orange

“When an accident kills her father and sends her mother into a coma, Angie and her brother Oliver are sent to live with their Aunt Marie. Romance should be the last thing on her mind when a local barista Natalie catches her eye.”

This was my “Quarantine Emotional Support Book”. I had two simultaneous itches--to write something cute and fluffy, and to try out prose poetry. These two ideas birthed this story. I want to get a printed copy for me and my mom, but I don’t have any plans for it after that. 

Three Can Keep a Secret

 “Hattie, her girlfriend Regan, and her best friend Vincent return from a weekend camping trip to discover their town has been ravaged by the undead. Sophie and her brother Joseph are driven from the military’s safety by a tragic accident. Aspen discovers something wrong with her younger sister Paris that might prove more difficult to handle than the walking bodies around every corner.”

This was my other “Quarantine Emotional Support Book”, written for Camp NaNo 2020. It’s technically a short story collection, although I structured the stories with chapters. I also enjoyed the little flash pieces that appeared in-between each story. Like Safety Orange, I want to get a printed copy of this book, but I don’t think I’ll seek publication for it. 

Screen

Horror Web Series

“Outcast sisters Heaven and Eden make a new friend--one that gives them special abilities. While Eden is more timid about her powers, Heaven is almost too excited and drags her sister along on her quest for revenge.”

This is another one of my projects that I just Cannot Title.The description makes it sound kind of lighthearted, but it’s one of the darkest ideas that I’ve come up with. Right now it’s outlined on my phone, and really all I need to do is dedicate a day to pounding it out. 

Video Games

I’m Sorry This Happened

“Archer’s attempts to cheer up her girlfriend Helena accidentally awakens Sylvia, a playfully violent ghost who convinces the girls to get revenge on the two boys that caused her death almost half a century ago.”

This is a visual novel my sister and I are teaming up with to create. We’re still not sure whether we’re going to publish it, but nevertheless I’m having a grand old time writing it, and I guess that’s what really matters. 

Swanhill Convenience 

“A misfit crew of the local gas station convenience store have a strong customer base. When new employee Pearl becomes suspicious of the group, the whole town’s careful facade crumbles.”

This one needs...more time to brew. There’s a lot of basic details that I’m having trouble making solid decisions on (for example, whether the store is a coffee shop or a convenience store), so this will probably have to sit until I have an epiphany or something. 

[I can’t put the working title here because it’s a blatant spoiler]

“You should not have gone into the forest. Now escape, however you can.”

I debated whether to put this on the list because it’s so hard to talk about without ruining the whole thing. It’s a puzzle solving game that I think has some really interesting lore that I can incorporate. I think that’s literally all I can say lol. 

Wow, that post was LONG. Thank you for reading all the way through! Each of these projects will get dedicated post when I start working on them more frequently. Moral of the story: I have absolutely no self control when it comes to starting projects. 

Note: Any photograph used that I did not take myself came from Unsplash.

See you around,

-Ev

[skylights422]

@ace-and-aro-wlw-positivity created a Q&A for aspec authors/writers, and as an aspec author, I am excited to participate and answer as many of their questions as I can. Under a cut since it became really outrageously long.

1. What was your inspiration for your character(s)? Are they modeled on yourself, a person that you know, or a character that’s already been established?

Typically I’d say my characters are a mix of general inspiration from other stories/characters and then bits and pieces taken from myself. I try not to make any of them like a clone of myself or another character, try to mix it up, possibly with mixed success but that is the goal.

2. How much, if any, has your character(s) changed since they were first created? What caused this change?

Oh wow, okay I have characters I still use from grade school and middle school, and those characters have changed/grown a lot. Most notoriously (to me) though are my two fellas Euphranor and Kadri. I created them while daydreaming in middle school while watching those science videos in class about how I could make a more parody-like version of said videos, Kadri being the energetic and comically sadistic teacher and Euphranor being the constantly irritated and foul-tempered student. The core of their designs and personalities haven’t totally changed (Euph is still a hot-head and Kadri still likes to troll him), but they’ve become far more nuanced as characters as their story become more involved and serious. They’ve also become softer characters, with Euph having a Heart of Gold and Kadri being a bit morally grey but generally compassionate and friendly. I think the cause of this change and others comes from a mix of things, for one I simply got older and what I wanted out my characters changed a bit. But also I think it’s because I spent so much time with those characters in my head that I couldn’t help but develop them more fully, which in turn made me want to give them a good story. Also, everyone is definitely more queer now then how they started, largely because I became more aware and comfortable with my own queer identity and spent more time in queer spaces (though with Euph I actually just realized he had to be gay because I every het relationship I envisioned for him fell totally flat and yet imagining him as having crushes on guys just seemed to work better/make more sense, and that was an earlier decision).

4. Do you intend on publishing your story one day? Why, or why not?

I definitely do! I have many, many stories I want to publish, as books or comics or tv shows or films. I’ve always wanted to publish some of writing since it’s one of my main passions and have always taken inspiration from the stories I consumed. I just love writing and would want to be able to do it as my main career, the key will just be figuring out how to focus on one project long enough to finish it. xD

5. Surprise fact! Give a random fact about your character(s), whether it’s their favorite color, food, or even song!

Euphranor loves to sing! He hums to calm himself down and even full on sings to vent his feelings sometimes. Kadri loves literature and video games, and blackberry pie is his favorite food.

6. Admit it, you have a folder on your computer of the various types of picrews you’ve created for your character(s). Would you mind posting a few (or five)?

*VIBRATES* MY TIME HAS COME. I absolutely have way too many picrews of my fellas so I won’t post them all, just two each for the core four of my main novel project. First, Euphranor:

(yes he is a Hufflepuff)

Kadri:

(also since I dragged the Hogwarts houses into this Kadri is Ravenclaw)

Ena:

(I put her in Gryffindor)

And finally, Fiera:

(Right now I have her in Slytherin. She could also be in Ravenclaw though)

7. Time to get serious for a bit. There’s been heavy debate on having non-human characters identify as ace, aro, non-binary, etc., but never actual humans. As someone who’s aspec, how would you explain to someone who’s allo why this can be and is seen as hurtful?

I mean, as a sci-fi fan I definitely love if the non-human characters are queer coded, but it’s definitely important to include human representation as well, and I think there are a few simple reasons for that. One is that queer people are, in fact, humans, and therefore our stories deserve to be told as they are in reality as well as how they could be in fiction. The other is only writing us as inhuman implies you consider our identities as fictitious or too strange for a human to have, and queer people already have to deal with other forms of erasure and invalidation in real life. (Also, not everyone is a fan of sci-fi/fantasy, and they should still be able to read stories where they can see themselves)

8. It’s a sad reality that many stories in mainstream media don’t have characters that are aspec, not to mention without resorting to harmful stereotypes. Besides there being nothing wrong with IDing as aspec, why did you choose to have your character ID as such? What would you tell other authors who’re interested in writing characters that are aspec, but are afraid of offending the community?

I have a huge list of aspec characters, which definitely started happening more once I was aware of my own asexuality (and later, aromanticism), since I realized that I could make my own aro and ace characters and then just went wild with it lol. It’s also easier for me to write since I can actually draw from personal experience somewhat for it. Beyond representation having aro and ace characters also allows you to explore more facets of human emotions/the human experience, so that’s always fun.

As for how I would advise allies looking to write a-spec characters, my main advice would be to remember that we are an incredibly diverse group of people, and so while no one a-spec character will resonate with every a-spec reader, an a-spec character written in good faith will definitely speak to some of us. Write them as an character first, and when it comes to things like how their attraction does or doesn’t work and what they want out of relationships, figure out what works best for them. Really, if you’re concerned your character would be offensive in some way you can always make a post asking about it, many of us are happy to offer constructive advice and appreciate that someone is wanting to put in the effort to write about our experiences. Reading or listening to anecdotes from an array of a-spec people is also a good way of getting ideas of how to portray us, and there are various resources for that (the tags, AUREA collects anecdotes from arospec individuals, and probably more than I can think of offhand)

9. If you’re comfortable with sharing, what is your characters’ identity? Do they use any microlabels? Does theirs reflect your own?

Unsurprisingly I have many characters who are aroace (Fiera is one of them), and Ena is bisexual and gray-aromantic. Kadri was originally supposed to just be bi/pan but has become increasingly aspec, will they end up gray-aro as well as grey-ace? Will they end up as a pan oriented aroace? I don’t know yet, but they sure are a pan a-spec. My most recent project has exclusively aro-spec protagonists, Valentine is aroace, Cedar is demiromantic, Raelene is cupioromantic, and then Clematis and Hadyn are presently just Aro and might stay that way. My aroace characters are often styled after my own aroace experiences, while other a-spec characters aren’t as much.

11. Why do you think that not just representation is important, but GOOD representation? Can you offer any examples?

Well, I think there are a few ways to make ‘good rep’. There is the ‘this character helps bring awareness/educate about the community’ and then there’s ‘this character just resonates with certain a-spec people a lot’, and the main reason I think it’s important is because rep should be for the people they’re representing. So if rep hurts the community or totally fails to be relatable to anyone who’s actually a-spec, then it missed the whole point and is doing just as much to leave the community feeling left in the dust as no rep. Of course things do get complicated when the community is divided on whether the rep is good or not, which I imagine will be a common occurrence, and many examples of rep probably fall into the grey area between Good and Bad, but generally people should aim to tell stories that will help more than hinder the people you are telling your story about. (Although I also think that the long term end goal is to get to the point where there is enough representation that it doesn’t matter if some of it is ‘bad’ or not, since I feel like that is the true state of normalization, but that is sadly not yet the case)

12. What’s the genre of your most recent story? Do you always write in this genre? If so, what other works do you have? If not, why did you pick it?

My most recent story (with Valentine) is fantasy, inspired by shoujo style anime series like Cardcaptor Sakura, while Euph’s story is more dystopian urban fantasy? His exact genre has shifted around a lot and will probably continue to do so. In general, most of my works are fantasy in some way or another. A few are more sci-fi or horror based, but definitely the majority are fantasy whether that be magical girl type stories, urban fantasy, superheroes, or dark fantasy.

14. What’s a brief biography of your character? Is their history, personality, and/or looks similar to your own?

I’m going to go with Fiera here. The short version of her backstory is that she and her older brother were born to neglectful parents, and while their grandmother was attentive emotionally she also lived far away. Her brother discovered magic, long thought forgotten, but killed himself shortly after, leaving Fiera alone and confused. She then made a point to dedicate herself to studying the theory and history of magic in the hope that she may someday understand why her brother would take his own life so suddenly like that. She has a down to earth personality and is very observant, and has a great deal of ambition and focus for tasks. She naturally has a more lighthearted and curious personality, but has become more somber since the death of her brother. While she always struggled with sustaining personal relationships, it’s only recently she started using her power of observation to be more manipulative and always keep a cool, pleasant demeanor. She has a love for fashion and sewing, as well as an interest in chemistry.

She isn’t really based on me at all backstory or appearance wise, and only slightly takes after me personality wise. Our main similarity is that we both can be quietly observant and don’t tend to get outwardly angry very often, and that we are both aroace. But I am nowhere near as focused as her, am terrible at lies/manipulation, and have different interests. I’m also way more prone to energetic rants and blunt statements than she is.

15. What are the themes of your story? Is it a lighthearted adventure, or are we talking deep, ocean-sized levels of angst? Why, or why not, did you choose them?

The tone of Euph’s story is kind of all over the place due to how often I’ve tweaked it, but there are certainly oceans of angst for all the protagonists. There’s just also decided remnants of the wacky humor from when the story was predominantly a comedy, and a lot more scenes of the characters just relaxing or goofing off than might be typical in a high tension drama adventure. My story with Valentine is generally much more lighthearted, though there will be some deeper moments for character development (and also because I want it to have a slightly gothic vibe, just Because)

16. How long have you been writing? Has your style changed from when you first began to now? What are some tips you’d give to those who’re interested in writing a story of their own, be it professionally or as a hobby?

I’ve been writing in some capacity just about as long as I can remember, and so my style has definitely taken various shifts depending on how old I was and what I was taking as my main inspiration at the time. Sometimes I went for more sarcastic and whimsical narration regardless of the events happening of the story, sometimes I went for a more quick modern-ish style, sometimes I would focus more or less on descriptions or dialogue. I don’t really know where I’m at right now though.

What I would advise to anyone wanting to sit down and write is to be patient and kind with yourself. Nine times out of ten what sounds epic in your head will come out at first as clunky and all over the place. But that is pretty much the whole purpose of first drafts; the clunky first draft crawls so the second draft may walk so the third draft may walk a little faster so the final draft may run. The other thing I would advise is to absolutely experiment, and see what works best for you. There is every kind of writing advice out there imaginable, much of it contradictory, so really you just have to mess around with styles and perspective and dialogue and see what happens, which stuff you liked and which stuff you didn’t.

17. What’s your process for writing? Do you plan your story out first, write whatever you want then edit later, or both? How might this help others?

My writing process is pretty much a mishmash of writing whatever comes to me, then planning, then writing, then using a bunch of character building exercises to have fun but make no progress in the plot, then neglect the project for months, then write some more or maybe plan. I don’t know how much this would help others, though I have found when I set goals with deadlines and some external pressure (nanowrimo, reward system implanted by friends, etc) I am far more productive, so perhaps that is something others could try if they struggle with staying on track?

18. Your book’s become quite popular, easily reaching the New York Times Bookseller list, and now, you’ve been picked to lead a writing workshop. It goes swimmingly, and afterward, someone comes and tells you that your book not only inspired them to write a story of their own, but also helped them discover and accept their identity. What’s your reaction?

Mostly I would just be flabbergasted, but also extremely pleased and honored to have been able to provide any kind of help or assistance to my readers.And I would feel very happy for the person, since that sort of inspiration is great to come by.

19. Are there any published stories out there that feature aspec characters that you also read? Do you have any suggestions?

Unfortunately not that I can think of! I am peripherally aware of some ace characters, but they aren’t in stories I personally consume. I hope to find more though!

20. Just for fun, write down a paragraph of your most recent writing. It can be an action-packed scene, some witty dialogue, or a colorful description that you really enjoyed. (Be sure to properly tag any possible triggers!)

Well, my most recent finished work would be the clunky first draft of my novel. So, here’s a silly conversation that entertained me to write:

Once they had bought the food, they went back to the park to eat. 

“You know, Fiera, I have come to a realization.” Kadri said.

“Oh? What’s that?” Fiera asked.

“Store snacks are not as filling as restaurant food, nor as refined, but they are decidedly addictive.” he said, munching on Twizzlers.

“Yep. That’s what makes them store snacks. Plus, I couldn’t get any really nice stuff. I’m not made of money.” Fiera explained.

“Which brings me to my next question, how exactly are you financing our meals? You don’t seem to work a job of any kind.” Kadri said. Fiera was almost surprised that he knew about jobs, but decided not to ask about it. 

“You’re right, I don’t. But my parents leave me about sixty bucks a week so that they can do what they want without me starving to death in their absence. After yesterday and just now, I’m down to like eight bucks, and the next payment comes in three days, so after this stash goes it's dollar store snacks only.” Fiera explained.

“I see. Fascinating. And these drinks you bought us, why are they vitamin drinks?” Kadri said,looking over a vitamin water curiously.

“Because we definitely aren’t going to get any vitamins from chips and candy.”  Fiera said simply.

“There is logic to that, I suppose.” he said. There was silence for a few moments.

“Um… Kadri?” Fiera said after a while.

“Yes, Fiera?” Kadri said.

“You know you can’t eat a whole bag of Twizzlers in one go, right?”  Fiera said.

“I don’t see why not. If it is not going to give me the nutrients I need, it may as well provide me with the maximum level of pleasure it is capable of.” Kadri said.

“Yeah, but you’ll get sick. And we have limited supplies.” Fiera countered. Kadri looked at the bag of Twizzlers in alarm.

“These are poisonous in large doses!?” he exclaimed.

“What? No, not poisonous, they just make you sick because they’re candy. All candy does that if you keep eating it.” Fiera said.

“Commoners lead dangerous lives, it would seem. I shall never forget this betrayal.” He said to the bag of Twizzlers, putting it down and taking the vitamin water instead. 

[dracimexidae]

@valentinaonthemoon tagged me to say 6 random things about myself - thank you, dear, and also grazie, cara!! <333

Let’s start with a thing I actually succeded in doing this year: I finally managed to lose a bit of weight! Last year in November I had enough and started to gradually work out and eat a bit better and I lost almost 19 kg! It was kind of a nightmare, considering my overall lazy and greedy ass and the fact that I haven’t been slim and in shape since I was a little kid, it’s a result I’m rather proud of! I’m still hoping I’ll be able to lose another 5 kg (my aim would be 55kg), but more importantly let’s hope I can mantain it because damn there are periods in which I definitely struggle to eat correctly, especially as in my family we are generally people who enjoy more caloric dishes (so you can imagine the struggle during the festivities, for example), and well, I’m Italian, so yeah, you get the gist, we have pretty good food and recipes here! But I made all this effort to arrive where I am, I have no intention of going back to where I was if I can have a say about it, damn it!

After receiving the thrilling news that “All I want for Christmas” by Mariah Carey is the n.1 hit of these festivities once again, and given that I already couldn’t stand listening to it on the 3rd November, last night I was randomly searching for a metal cover on YT just for to have a laugh about it and I found this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEy6VCBtALs. Result: I spent the entire evening listening to this madman making metal covers of songs, some of which I never thought they could be conceived! It was an entertaining night for sure!! 

I’m developing an unhealthy (because it might lead me to buy them) love for Funkos - but, I mean, look at these cuties: 

(yes they’re about to leave to Lapland for their next mission :p - you can’t see it in the picture but at where the sign points there are other shelves in which there are little statues of Santa and his elves - beat that as a “magical place” Phil lol )

I don’t even know how this started, the point is I was first gifted with a Dumbledore Funko by a friend (I didn’t really get the reason why Dumbledore since I never expressed a particular preference over him, but whatever, it’s still pretty cute and his gown matches the violet/lilac tone of my bedroom, where he is currenty stationed), then I couldn’t resist buying the Goose Funko I found at Disney Store and, shortly after I started watching Agents of SHIELD and worshipping Melinda May, I found that her Funko existed so after some debating with myself whether I should spend my money in such a trivial way I concluded that I decided to treat myself so I bought her; after that could I leave her all alone? Of course not, so Coulson arrived! At some point I guess I’ll buy Daisy as well so the family is reunited at last! Anyway, all this was to say that I have another mighty need in this department:

CARA DUNE!!!!!!! SHE’S SO FREAKING CUTE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STAY AWAY FROM HER?!!?! Well, right now I’m resisting, let’s open bets as to how long it will last lmao!! And there was another one first I fell in love with:

:’D I told you I have a problem! XD

I am here writing this ridicolousness while instead I have to finish decorating a goddamned tea box my mother and I wanted to give as a gift to her friend, and given that according to me it hasn’t turned out so well (I hate rice paper, I repeat, I HATE RICE PAPER), my mother thinks it’s fine, moreover we already struggled a lot but managed to install a forsaken closure because the box originally didn’t have one and the lid didn’t perfectly close the box, so I have to finish this thing instead of following my instinct to throw it in the trash straight away... And what I have to do next is glue a canvas stripe all around the box along with a button and shells... I’m sure I will finally make a mess with the canvas stripe, I’m certain of it, but I’ll have to at least try and pray to be able to give that... thing... to her in a decent state... *sigh* This, if I haven’t screwed up already with the glitters I decided to put in the picture - I don’t know yet, I have to wait until the glue dries... In the meantime I might as well transform in a unicorn for all the glitter I have on me! Oh, not to mention that before I began this project I already was making little pictures that I wanted to hang in my kitchen... Guess with what? RICE PAPER! Why do I inflict these stupid ideas upon myself? *facepalms*

I only recently installed Whatsapp on my phone, despite my annoyance with it, Zuckerberg and so called “social networks” in general (says the one who has been on Tumblr for years, but I don’t really count this one :p ) but it seems that people believe it is easier to communicate this way, instead of sending SMS, and while I have to agree regarding sending pictures or videos, for mere text messages, apart from the character limit per message (something you may guess I have always struggled with :p ), I don’t really see what need there is of another app to communicate with people... Given that the main reason I did it is to contact people for “business” and such and not to use it to send every single stupid thing to friends (I tolerate it as long as it’s occasional and with people I’m close with but I’m generally annoyed by continuous calls and messages so I wouldn’t stand people showering me with tons of messages on a daily basis, something that I sometimes see happening to my parents and friends) and that to friends (who actually already know my “allergy” to all this) I explained once again not to go crazy on me, threatening (even if as a joke) to use the blessed “block” option, I just hope that some people who have my number and I haven’t seen or heard from in a while (and with reason) won’t take this as a suggestion to rekindle anything (it would be also pretty hypocrite from their part, since I haven’t changed my number in years and they theoretically had always had the chance ro call or text me, with or without Whatsapp), because I won’t have any of it!!

I won’t go away for the festivities, apart from maybe a one-day-trip to San Marino for my birthday, as I’ve never seen it during Christmas and I haven’t been there for two years and well, I miss that place, after going for many years for the Medieval fair... I hope I’ll manage to do it! In the meantime I would like to visit again one or two museums in my city, and who knows, hopefully next year is the year in which I finally go visit the Uffizi in Florence - I have wanted to go there for years, but the few times I went to Florence I never managed to take some time to visit the museum; my plan is now to go to Florence just for that and spend the entire day in it, no distractions whatsoever (and on my own, so I can freely visit what I want and at my pace, not having to accomodate the needs of anyone else I travel with)! >:)

[yaz-the-spaz]

I'm sure you've noticed me stalking your blog these past two days lol and I have another question if you dont mind. In my last ask you said you had some theories about zayn leaving ot4vszayn etc and I was wondering if you would expand upon them? If you dont want to write it all out, you can point me towards certain tags or other blogs if you want. I've been looking through your tags and have found a lot but I wanted to know if there is something that might be more like a timeline of sorts? Thx!!

hey there! here i finally am, so sorry to have kept you waiting but i hope this reply finds you well! :) 

now onto your questions…

so as far as a timelines @bakagamieru has some really good masterposts (x, x) that i would recommend checking out that really break things down play-by-play and i think most of which was compiled as it was happening so it’s a super great (and super detailed) documentation of all the shit that was going down during that period and all the narrative inconsistencies and stunts and back and forth, etc. they’re quite long though and, like i said, very detailed so i would recommend making sure you have plenty of time on your hands before you get sucked down a masterpost and link rabbit hole lol

and for more thoughts/theories of mine i would say check my zayn vs. ot4 tags (x, x - sorry there’s multiple iterations of this, apparently sometimes i had put a period after vs and sometimes i didn’t and now i have two tags smh at my own damn irritating inconsistency)

now onto the meat of your question, which is my current theories on zayn leaving/the zayn vs. ot4 narrative which i’m gonna put as a read more cause i’m not in the mood for ppl coming for me if they disagree, so read at your own risk folks…

so over the years there’s four main theories that i’ve personally gone back and forth over, which i’m gonna summarize quickly and try and explain as succinctly as i can my thoughts on each one and my opinion on the likelihood of it holding credence

disclaimer before i get into the explanations - a large part of my reasoning has to do with the caveat of there possibly being any kind of real tension or bad blood between zayn and louis in particular or any of the other boys. not saying that it was necessarily actually the case, just that it was a potential factor that went into my rationale and personal mental debate over the whole situation

he was coerced in some shape or form to leave and instead of fighting it, went along with it (maybe b/c he was already unhappy) - if there ever was actually any real animosity between him and louis (or harry/niall), this could explain why louis (or the others) might have hypothetically been mad at him b/c he might have felt that zayn could’ve/didn’t fight hard enough or went along with it too easily. but all that aside, even if there was no tension between him and louis/the boys, this option makes a lot of sense because given all he talked about going through in the band (depression, the e.d., too much pressure, not having control or being able to do what he wanted, the intense and rampant closeting putting a strain on his relationship, etc.) it’s not hard to see how he might’ve felt this was the best and only option

he was coerced into leaving, tried to fight it but couldn’t (and possibly even knew for a while that it was coming) - this wouldn’t explain why louis (or the others) might have hypothetically been mad at him but instead does put more credence into the fact that that was completely contrived and pushed by mgmt, and is also just as likely as #1 to me for pretty much the same reasons, not to mention it explains some shady things that happened in the months leading up to it re him not being there for certain promo obligations and appearances, etc.

he was coerced into leaving and had absolutely no choice about it and no way to fight it (i.e. didn’t necessarily want to leave but still knew for a while that it was coming) - pretty much same reasoning as above for this one, the only difference being that in this scenario he wouldn’t have wanted to leave at all which given all he went through i just don’t know if i believe that was wholly the case (more on this below) 

he chose to leave completely on his own - although it would explain any lingering animosity, this to me is the least likely in large part because i just have a hard time believing he would have chosen all on his own to just up and leave in the middle of a tour, not to mention been allowed to (esp given that they would’ve all known they had the hiatus coming up not long after and were about to go the countries where zayn specifically probably have had the biggest following/fan support - the middle east and north africa). but even if he hypothetically really did choose it all on its own it’s hard for me to believe that he would have even been able to leave like that unless there was some element of complacency from their mgmt that allowed it to happen and then you have to wonder why would they just let 1/5 of their biggest money maker walk away with no law suits, no drama, no nothing. it stinks of a larger plan at play which is what brings me back to the theories above. 

those are the main theories that i’ve gone back and forth on and i’ve never really been able to settle on just one, but to me given all that he expressed after leaving the most likely are the first two. i think all of the boys were pretty much done with how they were being treated, but zayn especially so, and it’s very easy for me to see how, when the opportunity arose he might have accepted because he felt it was the best way to save himself (as in his mental and physical health) and possibly also his relationship, though whether that acceptance was with a little (theory #1) or lot (theory #2) of initial opposition on his part, who’s to say. however, i definitely believe that, regardless of the details, there was some element of seeding and/or coercion from tptb, esp when considered in context with the shadiness of certain things, like him not being at certain events that he should’ve legally been obligated to be at in the months leading up to his leaving if no one but him knew he was planning on leaving. or him crying at the last concert that he performed at. those do not seem to be like the actions of a man who wanted to leave completely of his own accord and without any degree of finessing by mgmt to orchestrate it. when you’re a mega popstar in the biggest band in the world you don’t just not show up to something. that’s the type of situation where people will literally come to your house and drag you out of bed because you’re costing them a shit ton of money (like millions of dollars worth of money) by not being there. there’s tons of stories of rock stars where managers or someone from their team would literally go bang down a missing band member’s door, shove them in the shower to sober them up or help them whatever they needed to do, and drag their ass on stage to perform or to a press event or whatever. so you can bet that nothing less, if not the same, would be done for a missing member of a multi-billion-dollar-making band if need be. 

so yeah zayn just not showing up for promo events and performances in the months leading up to his leaving? not believable to me at all. the only conceivable reason for him not to have been there is if mgmt didn’t want him there and the only reason (at least that i can think of) for why you wouldn’t 1/5 of your biggest money-maker to be somewhere he should have been legally obligated to be (and that might’ve cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars for him not to be) is if he wasn’t legally obligated to be there because you were already in the process of phasing him out. ergo it was very likely planned. months in advance. and if it was planned months in advance with the help and orchestration of mgmt then that story of him just deciding to up and leave is complete bs and makes it even more likely to me that there was a level of coercion (because again if 1/5 of your biggest money maker suddenly says to you ‘i wanna leave’ you’re gonna do everything in your power to make him stay so you can keep making money, not help phase him out. unless of course you want him out, which they clearly did.)

one last thing i wanna add is a link to a post i had saved that i feel adds a bit of further credence to all this, it’s nothing concrete but it’s something that helped solidify some things for me when i was a giant ball of confusion over what to believe

anyway, i know that i rambled on forever and this definitely did not end up being as succinct or brief as i had hoped (though lbr when is anything i do ever), but i hope this at least sort of answered your questions and made some amount of sense/was not too incoherent and didn’t completely bore you to death lol

[smoliboops]

so i woke up this morning (so apologies if i sound a bit off or groggy in this haha) but i awoke to a lot of posts discussing about “drama” and speciffically first saw @turquoisemagpie​ ‘s geniuinely curious post about the community’s status.

i’ll start off by saying 1) im also genuinely curious about all this. i care about this community and ive been in the tumblr one specifically for 4 years now, and this seems to be the first anomaly ive seen in my time here that hasn’t been one off but “underlying”.

2) im human, lol. i’ll be honest, ive never gotten involved with stuff like this (the only one i think would barely count was when the community was debating over anti’s portrayal back in december 2017). this is just what i think in as objective and analytical of a way i can place it, and it’s not wrong nor right. just my own thoughts. (also note, i have two exams tomorrow, so i  probs wont be on here afterwards anyway cos i need to study else i die lol, but i just wanted to chime in like anyone else would)

ok first point- the drama is not shallow enough to solely revolved around the intro outro changing.

it is not the issue itself; rather it is the situation, or window that is giving us a bigger picture in the new, wierd mood that the community has been in for a while. 

im human, but personally, in the large amount of time ive spent everyday scrolling thru the tag i have not legitamentely seen a post saying “oh i dont like that jack isnt doing the intro anymore im unsubscribing.” it doesnt seem logical to me that someone who dedicates themselves enough to the channel that they are a active member of the tumbtlr community, to throw all that away just for an intro.

what i have seen instead are 2 things:

1) usually when i scroll thru the tag and see a current hot topic, i try to scroll back up til i find the post that probably originally started it all. this, along with the first type ive seen in the tag, are people saying that “some people are unsubscribing cos of outro...how can they do that..they have to understand change is normal...people act like children sometimes...i cant believe it those people are not part of the community they should just leave...etc

2)the people i have seen saying “ah man i miss the intro and outro....i miss them it feels a little weird without them...i hope they dont go away forever i’d miss it”..etc

number 2 does not match with the people number 1 are talking about. unless i am wrong (i am human so if you have actually seen this on tumblr send me a link to the person’s blog or post) the people missing the outros have never said they would leave the community. Simply expressing a sentiment for something that has always been the norm that is now changing, that’s all it is for most people.

BUT, the misunderstanding/missalignment i see between 1 and 2, is that people in 2 is either being generalized/misslabeled/or lumped by others as the “leaving the community” group. and this can even apply to number 1, where some who genuine simplly want to say “the outro might be gone, but it’s ok to change” are grouped into the others saying “leave the community you kids dont belong here” and this is the window into the main problem i think in the community.

jack is changing. this is the happiest ive seen him be in 4 years and you have no idea how happy i am for him that he is choosing to take care of himself more and finding/discovering what he truly wants for himself, his style of commentary, the channel, and the community. 

No one wants to get in the way of that. not 1, not 2, no one here wants to legit do that because we all so so deeply care about him. he brought us so much happiness, friendships, friggin several couples proposed in front of him over the years cause he indirectly helped them find love. we care about jack so much, that as a community we’re trying our best to give him the best atmosphere to change. but it’s a big community, so of course people have different ways of doing so.

we love him fiercely, so we either protect fiercely or we speak up fiercely. and then the whole tag is on fire. you’re on fire. you try pouring comforting pics on it oh no that was gasoline help-

people want to help jack and the channel/community through feedback; if something is felt to be wrong by a person, they’d want to let the captain know that something’s amiss and how/why it is and if they can fix it.

people want to help jack and the channel/community by protecting/managing it; if we dont want to sink the ship, we have to keep up and remember the duties as a member what we should be doing so that if we see a hurricane coming, we can deal with it the best without getting the ship damaged.

both are good, you can’t have one without the other. without proper management the ship will sink, but if there’s a solution outside of protocol it should be considered. if the new idea/solution/feedback is faulty enough that it would put us at even greater peril, the rules serve as a guide of judgement in doing what’s best for the ship.

no one side is right on its own. if there’s no way of feedback or communication to the captain, or anarchy is assumed among the members and the captain is overthrown, the ship will sink.

cooperation is key. nothing is black and white, its gray and our relationship with jack is a conversation. 

agree or disagree, we need to not dismiss one in favor of ourself, we need to listen, be open, and use other’s ideas (whether good or bad, evil or rightous, selfish or selfless, or just plain neutral) in forming our own and vice versa, creating a cycle of healthy conversation rather than attacking or defending blindly. 

and as well, the captain has had years of hard work, dedication, knowledge, and experience to get to his position. and ultimately it is Jack who is the one to decide how to run this ship. there can be members whose feedback is unjustified, or even hate-filled. there can be members who feel a one particular way is the right one over all else . but Jack is the one who chooses what to take into himself and the channel. does he think this feedback is valid? he’s open to taking it into consideration. does he disagree with it? that’s ok too, he still decides what he’ll take from it, good or bad, and move on.

experiencing things, toxic or healthy, we as individuals have the power to choose what to take in, not take in, and how we proceed with the information we take in. the actions of others have no rule over you, you rule over yourself. you choose what to take in and how. if we restrain ourselves/others, or protect ourselves/others, from this, then that right to choose is taken away before we even get a chance to choose. we just become isolated and very very, very alone.

tl;dr: TALK, FOR THE LOVE OF ANALOGIES AND GOD AND EVERYONE, JUST TALK CIVILLY AND NORMALLY WITH EACH OTHER. WE’RE ADULTS. JACK IS AN ADULT. CONVERSATE. NO ONE IS PROBLEMATIC AND NO ONE IS UNPROBLEMATIC. WE’RE ALL HUMAN, WE’RE ALL GRAY. WE ALL LOVE JACK WE ALL LOVE THIS COMMUNITY AND WE’RE ALL SO VERY GRAY AND SO SO SO COMPLEX AND HUMAN. SO PLEASE, P L E A S E

why dont you just talk to each other....

[queenofnohr]

Ok so as a brief departure from OC ramblings, tonight I’m gonna talk about Sekiro’s ending(s) and why they were........... not bad, but a little bit of a letdown for me personally? Spoilers abound for anyone who cares about that.

If any of y’all’s interest was piqued at my Genichiro DLC of dreams this might be a good thing to read to see where I’m coming from before I get into that (I also felt the need to make this before I could post anything about what I had planned for the DLC of Dreams).

ANYWAY. (spoiler tag because I talked too much as per usual)

It’s been a couple months so I finally feel, I guess, good about talking about Sekiro’s ending and Genichiro’s role re:the ending since it seemed, from a cursory glance, to be a bit of a Thing back when the game first came out.

For those unaware, the debate went more or less “I’m disappointed because I wanted the final showdown with Genichiro to be better” vs. “Genichiro was supposed to be easy because it’s supposed to cement that he’s a punk-ass bitch who needs gramps to help out”

And...... obviously I’m biased, but I think there’s room for interpretation on how Genichiro is supposed to be read throughout the narrative (certainly, part of the ENTIRE NARRATIVE is “the people and establishments you thought were the biggest and baddest (aka Ashina as a whole) are actually big fish in a small pond and currently wayyyyyyy out of their depth”) but I’m not actually here to debate whether he’s supposed to be “strong” or not.

What I’m saying is, as the final fight stands, he isn’t desperate enough. I understand why they essentially didn’t change his boss fight - Isshin is the true final boss and they wanted this cinematic seamless flow between Genichiro and Isshin, and if Genichiro was too hard or too different, it would’ve been a pain in the ass, even for a FromSoft game. Still, Genichiro’s unchanged moveset is a huge disappointment on two fronts:

1. He has a reused moveset in a game where 2 other major bosses have largely reused movesets (Guardian Ape and Corrupted Monk) with some added gimmicks thrown in (I’ll give the True Monk’s third form a pass since that did legitimately change it up, although the other two phases are more or less the same (no, her shadow clone intermission does not count))

2. Even if the takeaway you get from him isn’t that he’s supposed to be “powerful,” if anything, the game consistently frames him as desperate. The fact that he can’t use his lightning, his Mortal Blade strikes are just some of his regular moves with added range that don’t even do anything extra, and he doesn’t even pull out his bow even though that’s his defining feature and definitely one of the trickier aspects of his moveset (not to mention the thing he is in-game known for - c’mon people, it’s even in his name) just..... does the exact opposite of giving him that feeling of desperation. He’s an easy fight, he doesn’t even pull out all the stops, and then he hands it off to gramps after what feels like nothing more than a light tussle. For FromSoft, whom I trust with my life with storytelling through gameplay, it feels like a ball dropped even if Isshin is there afterward.

As an aside, I’ll also add in that I really liked how Bloodborne handled its multiple endings. That is, how each ending was punctuated by a different final boss depending on your decisions/what ending you got. Even though the Moon Presence is definitely easier than German, I feel it’s still a battle that leaves a satisfying impact to lead into the true/secret/at the very least hardest ending to get.

In Sekiro, a lot of things are mirrored between each other. We have all the forms of immortality that might stem from the same thing, but are fundamentally different in their mechanics (and all bad in their own ways), we have different types of waters with corrupting influence (Rejuvenating Waters, Fountainhead waters), and even our main characters reflect each other (Okami, Emma, and Genichiro were all orphaned sometime during or very soon after the rebellion, adopted by some of the greats, and have a kind of legacy to uphold).

And, on the last note, the game goes out of its way to have Genichiro mirror Okami, right down to him receiving a Mortal Blade of his own. He also punctuates each phase of the game; The Iconic Sekiro scene is the showdown with him among the silvergrass, his fight atop Ashina castle is more or less when you learn How To Play The Game if you’d simply been geetting by however (like I did lol), and all the details leading up to the end - the cutscene right after you beat him, eavesdropping on Isshin and Emma, the Black Mortal Blade, the time of day slowly changing with the anticipation building for that final showdown under the moonlight among the silvergrass once more..... - make for what at least Should Have Been another punctuation, even if he isn’t necessarily the final boss. But for all they talk of him shedding his humanity, for all Isshin and Emma show both concern and (at least in Isshin’s case) almost admiration/respect (we’ll go into their complicated relationship another day) for his resolve to throw everything away for Ashina, the gameplay takes all of it and throws it out with his mediocre showing. It doesn’t even feel like a bait-and-switch of which good ones have some foreshadowing, some bent to know what will ultimately happen even if it angles hard in another direction (so, when it happens you’re stuck mouth agape holding your head in your hands just like “OF COURSE!!!! I SHOULDVE SEEN IT COMING!!!!), but this..... doesn’t do that. All the information we get goes in one direction - the only thing that’s a giveaway is his association with Ashina itself - but even then, we see Ashina grow desperate, we see Nightjar take the Rejuvenating Waters (and the awful, awful descriptions of their “custom” Bite Downs), we see the Ashina Elite below Isshin’s room apologize to him and take it as well, we see the last stand of Ashina ashigaru, we see soldiers who once stood against us begging us to save their fellows - and we see none of that from Genichiro.

The thing is, I don’t think he needs to be difficult to be able to have impact.

Before getting into his fixes, I’ll note what I did like because, under certain circumstances, I do enjoy the ending in its most vanilla form.

That is, Genichiro having a lackluster fight, admitting his own shortcoming, and taking off his own head to bring back gramps to both metaphorically and literally bring Ashina back from the dead is actually.......... really, really good and - dare I say - Cinematic Poetry........ but only in regards to the Purification Ending. Because he and Okami remain mirrored - Okami refuses to allow the cycles that have persisted to continue and has it end with him as he sacrifices himself to save Kuro. The reason the ending feels too easy aside from Genichiro’s actual gameplay mechanics is because there’s all his talk of shedding humanity, all the talk of Shura...... But him admitting his own shortcomings and passing the torch to someone else is extremely....... human? It’s not that it’s not desperate, necessarily, but it’s so..... controlled. Those are not the actions of a man who downed stuff that would potentially drive him mad and consume him with rage and make him unable to tell friend from foe for the sake of saving the very same people that would be put at risk from his potential madness. But I like it in the context of the Purification ending because Okami himself becomes more human in sacrificing himself, and so it fits that Genichiro would wrangle his humanity in some small way and behead himself, just as Okami does, to save what he loves most.

Even so, I still think that the fight that in the fight that comes beforehand he should at least pull out all the stops, even if it means cutting down his health and/or posture bar to make the fight less obnoxious. (Although the other option is literally just........ don’t make the player fight Genichiro again if they beat him. Just have Isshin there already.)

As for other endings......... I’ll detail the Dragon’s Homecoming Ending in my DLC of dreams post because that, at least, is highly dependent on that lore. But for the Severance ending? That end is all about cycles being repeated, falling prey to what you commit yourself to even if you have to “shed your humanity” for it. Kuro is the only thing it seems like Okami truly cares about, and yet because he is duty bound to follow his lord’s orders no matter what, he kills a part of himself along with Kuro when he performs the Severance. Kuro represents his humanity - their bond is the only way Okami does have different endings to pursue should he indulge that humanity. And so, for Genichiro....... why not have him commit himself fully to becoming a monster? He doesn’t necessarily have to be strong/difficult, but seeing that transformation is key. In fact, give him 5 health bars and make the last three easy as sin. Have him buckle down and commit himself to this even though some part of him knows it won’t work, because he doesn’t know any other way to be. Have him die pitifully, in disgrace, as the player takes out his third health bar, and before he can land a hit in, his fourth, and before he can even get up, take his fifth. Have him desperately becoming more monstrous as his body won’t allow him to die, to no real difference. Land the final blow with the mortal blade while he’s writhing on the ground, willing himself to get up. If he was supposed to be pitiful, if his decision to throw everything away was supposed to be pathetic, with a miserable showing, then make him pitiful. Don’t make him easy. Make him the sorry sight he’s supposed to be.

[elmomachete]

Wrestlemania XXXV Predictions.

Yeah, yeah, they don’t use the Roman numerals anymore. They don’t even use regular numerals. Humor me, it’s out of habit. I actually watched most of NXT Takeover last night, mostly live. I’m still not entirely sold on Blackochet or Matt Riddle, but the War Raiders and Velveteen Dream are the tittyballs and so were both matches. I fell asleep during the UK Championship match and intended to finish the show this morning, but then the results were spoiled for me by Cageside Seats in article headlines. Weak sauce, gentlemen. The weakest of sauces. Oh well, I’ll finish the show eventually. Anyway, with a 42 match card, the pre-show is liable to start any minute now so I better get these predictions up before all the poor souls in New Jersey (I’m sorry, I meant “New York”) start freezing their asses off. Let’s get prognosticating, shall we? Fabulous Moolah Memorial Women’s Battle Royale Totally not promoting human trafficking since 2018. Who won last year, Naomi? It’ll be tough to live up to those standards. I’ll go with Lacey Evans as the winner, because I’m sure that makes sense as a payoff to her coming out, doing nothing, turning around and walking to the back in Crazy Uncle Vinny’s mind. It’d be nice to give Asuka something after her seemingly random dethroning, but Lacey seems more predictably random. Cruiserweight Championship: Tony Nese vs. Buddy Murphy (c.) 205 Dead Crowd. I watched the Cruiserweight match from the Rumble pre-show the other day, and Buddy Murphy seems like a pretty good wrestleperson. Let’s say he retains, because he’s marrying Alexa Bliss and the company still loves her even though she’ll probably never wrestle again. Andre Roussimoff Memorial Battle Royale (ARMBaR) Just look what it did for Mojo Rawley! How can they make up for having Braun Strowman win the tag titles with a ten year old last year? Have him feud with two schmucks from Saturday Night Live so WWE can end up on a legitimate sports program the next morning! So either he wins, or after he eliminates the aforementioned schmucks he eliminates himself and chases them to the back leaving it open for (randomly points at list of entrants with eyes closed) Curtis Axel to win. Side thought: I think next year they should bring back Nicholas and rehire Matt Striker, putting them against the Bar, the Usos and the New Day. Striker can tutor the kid on the road, and putting them over the entire division will really solidify Nicholas’ legacy as an undefeated two-time tag team champion. Raw Tag Team Championships: Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins vs. the Revival (c.) The Battle of the WWE Random Name Generator Recipients! ...good lord, they’re actually giving the Edgeheads a Mania match? For the titles? I know the belts don’t matter and that maybe a dozen people give a rat’s ass about both teams combined, but still - Ryder and Hawkins’ whole shtick is that they never win. That ALWAYS gets over. So obviously they have to win here to get their “Wrestlemania Moment,” in their “home state” of “New York.” Smackdown Tag Team Championships: Nakamusev vs. the Bar vs. Blackochet vs. the Usos (c.) Aren’t I so witty with my portmanteau tag team names? I’m glad Wikipedia exists to not only tell me all 107 matches, but to remind me that yes, the Usos are tag champs again. What with them losing in Brooklyn, I expect Black and Ricochet to win the titles to start off their big show (no, not that one) debut with a bang and to finally tie them to Smackdown instead of Raw. they’ll have better matches on that show anyway. Or the Usos retain because they’re related to the Rock, who cares. Shane McMahon vs. the Miz Because Super Shane needs to get his annual hyperventilating stunt show in. God bless the Miz, he may be the best company man since John Cena for doing whatever stupid shit they come up with for him. Case in point: this fucking match. Does anyone besides Shane or Vince give two shits about this? Logic says the Miz wins because he’s (somehow) the babyface, so I’ll say Shane wins and the Miz’s dad hugs him afterwards because even though his son main evented Wrestlemania and defeated John Cena (there he is again) and got married to a smokin’ hot model and had a kid, NOW he’s finally proud of him because he put up a valiant effort against the 50 year old son of the owner of the company. Women’s Tag Team Championships: the IIconics vs. Nia Jax and Tamina vs. Beth Phoenix and Natalya vs. the Boss n’ Hug Connection (c.) Who’s got the worse name, the Australians or the champions? I guess Trish and Lita said no, so they dusted Beth Phoenix off and pretend she’s important enough to justify her Hall of Fame induction. Nia and Tamina suck, Billie and Peyton don’t matter, Beth won’t be around the next day and I can’t see them changing the titles so soon after creating them. Bayley and Sasha retain. Kurt Angle vs. Baron Corbin John Cena Oh, shut up. You know it’s going to happen. Cena beats up Corbin on the way to the ring, spouts some jargon about hustling respect loyally, he drags Angle through three minutes of suck hoping he doesn’t accidentally kill him, somebody wins and they both go away. (Flips a coin) Cena wins, LOL. AJ Styles vs. Randy Orton Fighting because reasons! Um... let’s say AJ wins, because Orton is a made man and they wanna thank AJ for not leaving for All Elite Wrestling (what a terrible name). Christ, how many pointless matches could they trim to make this a show of reasonable length? Not everybody needs a Wrestlemania payday... do those even exist anymore with the Network? United States Championship: Rey Mysterio vs. Samoa Joe (c.) I’ve got nothing sarcastic to say about this match, I’m actually looking forward to it somewhat. Rey Mysterio can still go, and although people say Joe has lost a step since coming to WWE I’m actually a bigger fan of him now than ever. I think he’s benefited a lot from having to tone it down and only do two or three big spots in matches as opposed to a billion, although whether that’s due to the restrictions of the “WWE Style” or age/injuries is up for debate (I felt the same about Cesaro slowing it down going from Ring of Honor to WWE). Rey can survive a loss here and I think they wanna get as much out of Joe while they still can, so he retains. WWE Championship: Kofi Kingston vs. the New Daniel Bryan (c.) Remember when the “World” title wasn’t likely to be in the middle of the show? As much as I’d hate to see the Hempyweight Championship belt go (and no matter what it’ll eventually have to), I think the crowd would riot if Kofi didn’t win. So I reckon Kofi wins, then Big E. and Xavier turn on him right afterwards to piss the crowd off right after throwing them a bone. Y’know what? I think it would be interesting to see a riot at a wrestling show. Fans have threatened it with signs ever since Cena vs. Van Dam, but we’ve never actually seen one. It’d certainly be a “Wrestlemania Moment.” Roman Reigns vs. Drew McIntyre Yay, Roman’s back! And he’s not in the main event again! Yet! I’m as glad as anyone that Reigns seems to have beaten leukemia, but the entire feud with Drew seems like something they threw together at the last minute because they didn’t expect him to come back so soon. I can never tell if they’re behind Drew or not, they seem to change their minds every other week. Roman wins, obviously, then probably goes right back into the Universal title picture. Triple H vs. Batista The epic final battle between Drax the Destroyer and whatever Triple H’s character was called in Blade 3. I’m interested in this match due to sheer sideshow curiosity. Big Dave hasn’t wrestled in however long, and last time Hunter wrestled he ripped a titty off his chest in the beginning of the match. I have enough faith that’ll it be something watchable at least, Triple H’s match with Angle and Rousey was good last year. Batista wins and rides off into the sunset, and Trips “retires” for about a year. Let’s give it a year and a half if we’re being generous. Universal Championship: Seth Rollins vs. Brock Lesnar (c.) Prediction for number of German suplexes: 11. Now this one is a sticky wicket. On the one hand, it’d be nice to have the Rumble winner, y’know, win, and have someone with the belt who’ll be around every week. On the other hand, I’m sure Vince is already salivating over the thought of Roman conquering the unstoppable once every four months onslaught of Brock Lesnar. On the THIRD hand, they did make a t-shirt for Rollins that says “Beastslayer” which would be completely pointless to peddle at shows if he lost. I’ll go out on a limb and pick Lesnar, but whoever wins is getting Roman as a challenger  Intercontinental Championship: Finn Balor vs. Bobby Lashley (c.) Can we get this show over with already? I’m already bored just writing about it. The Demon wins back the title that he just lost for no reason a few weeks ago, Lio Rush probably gets beat up and the crowd continues to go mild for Bobby Lashley. Next. Women’s Championship, winner takes all: Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte Flair (c., Smackdown) vs. Ronda Rousey (c., Raw) Becky. Becky, Becky, Becky. Wait, I have to say something other than that about the match? The build for this has been all over the place. Becky taps to Asuka at the Rumble, then takes Lana’s spot to win the Rumble match itself. Becky’s suspended, but she’s on every show anyway. Then she’s not suspended, she and Ronda break the fourth wall on Twitter, Charlotte replaces Becky, then she wins the Smackdown belt from Asuka and it’s a triple threat, and my God I think I’ve gone cross eyed. Who wins will really depend on where they place this match on the card. I know they’ve said it’ll be the “main event,” and if it truly goes on last then they’d be insane not to give it to Becky. I’ve been trying to reasonably predict the order in which the matches will take place. BUT... we all know WWE has been saying double main event, triple main event, whatever for years. If it DOESN’T go on last, it’s probably gonna be Charlotte. She’s already beaten Trish’s record for number of Women’s title reigns, and lord knows WWE wants to make her seem like the best at everything due to her name. I’ll (perhaps foolishly) put all my chips on Becky, but won’t be surprised in the least if it’s Charlotte. Oh yeah, Ronda’s in the match too. How ‘bout that. *whew* So yeah, sixteen matches on what’s liable to be a seven hour show. I’m likely to watch it in spurts, because A) my TV is always at the risk of being hijacked by a six year old, and 2) I’m going to fall asleep if I try to watch it all in one shot. I won’t be drinking, because I’d rather fall asleep due to boredom rather than alcohol consumption this year. I almost don’t want the women’s match to go last, because the crowd will be fucking exhausted by then. Of the sixteen matches, I’m confident about half will be good. So there’s that. We’ll have a couple overblown entrances, some forced “Wrestlemania Moments,” the possibility for an entertaining car wreck or two, maybe an Undertaker appearance. This is the first year though where I’m sort of dreading the Grandest Stage of the Showcase of the Immortally Ultimate Thrill Ride in twenty years of fandom, and that’s pretty disheartening. That Takeover sure was something though, wasn’t it?

[someplace-that-is-else]

States of Grief: A Writer’s Goal for Entering 2019 Part the Second

I admit…I had been putting it off.

 It was the winding down of the holiday season. I had set a few things in motion. One of those things was I had books ordered for my Darkened Soul: Witch’s Abyss giveaway. Another one of those things was a new laptop.

 As I mentioned in my last blog (‘You Think You Know…What’s to Come…’: A Writer’s Goal for Entering 2019- http://someplace-that-is-else.tumblr.com/post/182330195413/you-think-you-knowwhats-to-come-a), my old laptop appeared to be done. So…I decided to head back to status quo. There were things that I needed for that. One of those things…was a TOSHIBA laptop.

 Annnnd it arrived. I was super excited. Now if I only had time to open it. LOL!!!

 In any case, I was ready. Once it was ready, I could keep on with my plans. After all, I had books to self-publish.

 It was then that I noticed it.

 I couldn’t find my recent flash drive.

 Ugh.

 DENIAL

 I ignored it at first.

 It was pretty easy to do. While the holiday season was winding down, there was still work for me to do. I really wanted to get back to my normal routine. My routine that involved me getting up, heading to work, heading to the gym, heading to work, and then home. If I was lucky, there would be time to write.

 It was then that I thought about my writing. After all I had been hoping by the end of 2018 to have Darkened Soul: The Breaking of Circles and Book 3 in my Darkened series out. And we knew how 2018 ended.

 My gym routine was quite easy to get back to. At first, it was not. Between my work schedules, the amount of time I would use for the gym…which was located in a separate location from where I lived or my work places…it could not be worked. But where there was a will, there was a way they said. I had considered during December having to change my gym schedule around. While I had been known to work out from home when need be, I would also been expanding what I did. I managed to take up jogging downtown and other general leg exercises. Yes, I am not a fan of Leg Day. LOL!!! So after debating it, I started to slowly move my gym time to really early morning. I was not at all a morning person, but if I was committed to my gym time as I claimed to be, that appeared to be the only time I could make it over there to the gym.

 Some weeks I made it. Other weeks I was just too tired from the shenanigans over at one of my jobs to get there. In those cases, I would have to adjust my schedules accordingly. So thankfully, gym routine was on the up and up. And if I could do that for my gym routine, surely I could do that for my writing time, right?

 I saw something on television. I had to binge watch Game of Thrones. I had to head to work. I would be tired from work. I noticed that I would do anything to not search for my flash drive.

 There was one day I was getting ready for work. I was always a multitasker in the morning. Part of it was to be able to get that good ole coffee to kick in. Part of it was my Gemini nature. In any case, I was reading, ironing, and cleaning a bit at a time. It was then when I saw it.

 No, not the flash drive. A few days ago, I was in a rush to get to work and knocked a thing of tape under my bed. I figured that I would remember it when I was less busy. However, I saw it along with one of my many name tags. I frowned at that.

 How had that name tag gotten under my bed? That far under my bed? When?

 And…I hoped. I hoped that that was a sign. A sign that maybe my flash drive was under my bed or somewhere I would find it in my room.

 So was it hope…or just denial?

 ANGER

 So it was time.

 It was time to get back to writing. First up…I had to work on my blog.

 I had managed before the end of the year to become more frequent. I used to be so frequent when I started out. Like any writer, it was so simple. All one had to do was make oneself interested. If you make yourself interested, others will be interested. If you built it, they will come.

 So I alternated. One blog would be about my writing progress and/or process. The next blog would be about something pop culture related. The next one was about my writing progress/process. And vice versa. Somewhere in there, there would updates on what I’m writing in that moment. Not to mention gifs and pictures. In a matter of time, I had a much-needed online presence for my blog. And that was awesome.

 Then December slowed that down.

 So here I was. Back at it again. This week it was working on a writing blog. It started slow. Once I made connections to Buffy the Vampire Slayer…it all was good to go. While I did not have my flash drive, I still had room on my old one enough that I could work on a blog. For that I was grateful.

 Then…blog done. Blog posted. My mind immediately started to wonder what to do next.

 But…another thought occurred to me. I had nothing to work on in between blogs. Usually that would be my books. But…no flash drive. So…what to do?

 First, I tried to retrace my steps. The last time I used my flash drive that I could think of was at one of my jobs. I had some forms that I needed to print out and fax. Once I realized that I left it there that day, I called and asked for it to be put away. And I’m sure that I picked it up. Still, I looked around my workspace. And…nothing.

 Next up…I figured it would be in my bag. I had already looked in it. However, I did have a tendency of putting it in odd places in my bag. Whether it was conscious or subconscious, my flash drive never winded up where I thought I put it. Sounds like my gym membership card in that regard. Annnd…NOTHING. After multiple tries and cleaning out every inch of my bag as best I could, there was still no flash drive.

 Then I started searching the odds and ends in my room. There were the spots where I had been known to put my flash drive if I decided I was not taking it with me that day. Or I decided I was going to bed and didn’t want to leave it on the bed and thus crack it or something.

 And I searched.

 And I searched some more.

 NOTHING.

 Flipping out would be an understatement. As I stared at my room, it looked like a tornado had hit it. And my nature as a pack rat probably did not help the case. Papers here. Bags there. An old laptop that no longer had a connection between its charger and battery. Clothes. Magazines. It was all just scattered around my room. And…STILL…NOTHING.

 I was about to throw something. I needed to throw something.

 How could I be so frakking stupid and lose my flash drive. I mean…really?

  BARGAINING

 It was still on my mind. The fact that I had been so stupid. That I had been oh so absent minded.

 I thought…perhaps if I had simply kept myself focused. If I had not allowed my jobs to take up so much of my time during December. Maybe if I just focused on what I was doing. So I decided that I should just…start working on my writing again, perhaps it would show up again. That if I just focused on working on Book 3 which was already waaaaaay behind, maybe right when I needed it my flash drive would fall out from some stray place that I had not even thought about.

 Book 3 had come along nicely from where I stopped. All of my plot threads were in the same room now. They were converging. While something was nagging at my gut, the plot threads were there. Humans, Nosferatu, witches, I even had some hunters pop in…I did not think there was a part of the Darkenverse that was not touched on.

 Yet…something was in my gut. Something was making me pause in my mind. I had learned when it felt like something was off, a character was trying to tell you something.

 I knew how this chapter would end. And that ending would lead into the last half of my book. So I was pretty excited. And yet…there was one plot thread that was important to my main character that was starting to not feel like it would be finished by the end of this book. It was with that realization that I felt that there was another book waiting in the wings. Otherwise, my gut was screaming that this would be a rushed book. And that I did not want.

 This would have been so much easier if I had my flash drive still. But…

 I had to shake myself. I had been like a song on repeat for the last few weeks. If my flash drive was this. If my flash drive was that. Eventually, I had to stop acting like it would turn up at any second if I just tried. If only I had time enough. If I could accept that I did not have time to do all of what I would like to do, then I could accept the truth.

 My flash drive…if not randomly stolen…was gone.

 ACCEPTANCE

 I finally made it home. I got some sandwiches in me. Then I collected my stuff. From there it was off to Starbucks.

 I got my last flash drive out. Then I looked through it. From there, I backed up all my pdf files and files I felt I might need later on…like those transcripts for writing applications for example.

 Then…DELETE, DELETE, DELETE.

 I looked at how much space was left. A smile crept onto my face. It looked like that did the job.

 I had available space again on that flash drive. That was about to be useful.

 I had taken the time to see what I had lost from my other flash drive when I lost it. I had hoped…to no avail. The majority of Darkened Soul: The Breaking of Circles had been lost. In my case, the novella and the epilogue. Not to mention apparently Fredrick’s first story. I would simply have to type it all out again.

 I know, I know. Ugh.

 On the good side, not entirely from starch. So yay for me for some backup…no matter how slow I had gone about doing it. I guess I could make frequent backups a New Year’s resolution then.

 So…now I had a starting point. Somewhere to start and build up to. I had a deadline for all of this. So it was time to get back to some forward motion.

 December might have taken a lot from me. But I guess in the end it had not taken my will. But to get it back, I guess I had to really go through some stages of grief…

   #statesofgrief #states #grief #goals #2019 #writer #thewritinglife #writing #nye #partthesecond #part #second #denial #anger #bargaining #acceptance #darkenedsoul #breakingofcirles #breaking #circles #laptop #darkenverse #thingstocome #gameofthrones #buffythevampireslayer #toshiba 

[remembermemorablememories]

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

post #352

main points:

- get apple keyboard with jonah

- in n out burger for lunch

- shopping at the mall / learning about personal finance from jonah and cici

- dinner at a hunan place 

- dad felt sick so cici and i left early with him to take him home so that he can rest. it was scary but he ended up feeling better by the end of the night

- playing smash and fortnite and watching crazy rich asians

- password panic

today i:

- woke up around 10am. our aunt bought some bagels for us so i ate that for breakfast. there was a mini debate between my mom dad aunt cici and sheena about whether we should go to antelope valley or not cause turns out it’s 9 hours to get there not 6 hours

jonah ordered an apple keyboard for his ipad pro yesterday and it was ready for pickup today so we drove to the south coast plaza mall to go pick it up. it was a quick in and out. then we drove back home. we caught up a bit about how things are going. i talked to jonah a bit about my mini existential crisis after graduating, he talked about how his work was going and what he’s learned in consulting, etc

- we got back and then mobilized with sheena and cici after like 30-40 minutes of hanging around. we went to in n’ out. i got a lettuce burger and cici told me about her experience with mentoring someone in NYC. then we drove to south coast plaza mall (i think) to do some returns. we went to the nike store to do a return for sheena’s shoes but she ended up getting a different pair so we’ll return the other one being shipped to our house (originally being shipped there because of a size difference). i took a number 2

then we parted ways. sheena and cici went to sephora and jonah and i went to nekter juice to get acai bowls. i’d never gotten them before but it was pretty good and interesting. it felt pretty healthy. jonah taught me about personal finance cause i was asking / curious. he helped me come up with a budget of what my salary would look like after taxes, 401k savings. what to do with the leftover money each month (looking into stocks, mutual funds). building up savings for at least 6 months of runway in the case of an emergency, etc

then sheena finished browsing around. she didn’t find anything of interest there. she came and tried an acai bowl of her own and she didn’t like it too much LOL. then cici finished browsing some furniture. then our uncle also met up with us. then all of us got into two separate cars to drive to the hunan place for dinner (our uncle came in a different car so we split up, cici sheena me and jonah/uncle)

- we got to the hunan place and i was like oh wait we’ve been here before. once everyone arrived (since our other parts of the family were driving from our home/doing some grocery shopping next door), we started ordering and eating. the food was really good and yummy. but we noticed my dad was in the bathroom for a long time. and then he didn’t feel like eating/wasn’t hungry. he said his stomach was hurting :o my grandpa tried to give him some massage points. he still looked kind of sick and wasn’t feeling well. that’s why he didn’t want to eat because he was worried if he ate anything he’d throw up

cici decided we should take him home early and i tagged along with them. we talked a bit about the importance of product managers on the drive home. and thinking about what a customer wants instead of just having engineers build something without understanding the problem they want to solve

when we got home dad got some hot water, some ginger and some tums. then he went up to rest and sleep. he already started looking a bit better than when we were at the restaurant

once dad just got into bed to rest everyone else came back from the restaurant

- we put on crazy rich asians because mom and my aunt were interested in watching it. and cici wanted them to see it. so we rented it and put it on the TV. our grandma also watched it for a bit. while it was playing jonah and i were playing fortnite LOL cause he’d seen it already and so had i. he was on his ipad pro and my switch. we tried some elimination game mode where you can respawn and it’s first team up to 100 kills. i’m so bad with the console (i was somewhat decent on PC)

then after a while our aunt stopped because she didn’t really enjoy it and mom stopped watching to go to sleep around 10pm. sheena hadn’t seen it though so we kept watching. after watching a bit more i whipped out smesh to play on my switch through to the end of the movie

- i spent some time reviewing passwords because apparently someone had logged into my pinterest (which i never use). but because pinterest is linked with facebook... that means they know my fb password too... so i got a little paranoid and did some password changes and account deactiviations

took a shower and went to sleep around 1am

the end