#dear even hansen self insert

[ch4rryc0smos]

YOUR MOUTH IS VICIOUS AND YOU'RE PROUD OF THE SOUND YOU MAKE EVERY SECOND I'M AWAKE / EVERY SECOND I'M AROUND ! — NOW IT'S OVER | DOGPARK.

── . ✶ ❝ B L A I R E F L O R E N C E C A L L A H A N . ❞

☼ — xvii | cancer | infj | british-australian 🪐

appearance ; slightly tanned skin on exposed parts with freckles over shoulders and face, mole under the right corner of her bottom lip, forest green eyes, 5'10 [177 cm], athletic [or sleeper] build with thinner legs, barely noticeable scars over arms, thighs and back, scars over most of her body, dimples when she smiles hard. dimples on her lower back when she stretches. ombre [brown-blonde] hair, prefers her hair short [in a jellyfish cut], but isn't allowed.

beliefs ; materialistic wealth doesn't define anything but your worth in the eyes of capitalism. humans are made to express individuality, not succumb to capitalistic beliefs and submit to slave-like treatment.

⋆ ─ living isn't a linear experience, take it with grace, give it time, and maybe it'll learn to love you too. so, live. ⋆ ─ good and bad don't truly exist, the world is not black and white, it's grey, it's a canvas, and you're the artist.

personality ; gentle, intuitive, charismatic, vigilant, observant, meticulous, boisterous, collected, diligent, loving, realist, nurturing.

positive traits ; compassionate, selfless, empathetic, kind, accountable, notices other's emotions & fluctuations in behaviour[s].

negative traits ; anxious, bottles up her emotions, skeptic [has trust issues], struggles with boundaries, overworks, cares too hard, thinks she has to always be the one to rely on, can't accept her negative emotions, has unhealthy coping mechanisms.

quirks ; fidgets all the time | stutters when nervous | bounces from heel to heel when waiting in queues | gets louder and faster when talking about passions | has an oral fixation | tilts her head when she's focusing | taps her foot unconsciously when waiting for people.

likes ; nature, psychology, sociology, anthropology, freedom of speech, anarchy, deep conversations, late-night car rides, coffee, biology [many branches of it], museums, gardens, aquariums, deers, red pandas, art of living, knowledge, economics, connor murphy & evan hansen.

dislikes ; arthropods, heights, loud noises, narrow-mindedness, extreme temperatures, snobby people, arrogance, dishonesty, being under pressure, confrontation, disorganised places, normalising shitty behaviour and attributing it to mental illness.

deepest secrets ; wants to be seen for her true self, wishes her worth wasn't determined by productivity, wishes her parents would've seen her as more than a trophy daughter.

⋆ ─ she just wants actual connections, the one thing she somehow barely has. ⋆ ─ she doesn't want expectations to be placed on her, she doesn't want to be a prodigy, she wants peace, and calm, and people who actually care.

── . ✶ ❝ B A C K S T O R Y . ❞

ONE of australia's greatest kids, a prodigy made to wow the southern hemisphere, when blaire callahan moves to us, a whole world and hemisphere away, she doesn't know what to do, where to start. living in an esteemed society, high art culture surrounds her everywhere she goes. she's never truly known what friendship is because status is what determines who she is, what she is, even.

she hates how stuffy her life feels, how lonely she always feels, and how she lets her worth be decided on whether she performs well or not, what is this, a circus? she feels like the clown, that's for sure.

primary and middle school pass by as breezes, decent enough as long as she doesn't engage with anyone, ignores the one kid that goes to a nearby school and apparently threw a printer at his teacher in second grade. little blaire didn't know that mentioning that would just be the start of her meeting the murphy family.

one faithful day, she makes the mistake of mentioning this unknown kid to her ever nosy mother, and she somehow finds out it's connor murphy. some guy she'll have to meet now because his family is apparently rich! and oh, they're nice too, but it doesn't matter. and did she mention connor has a sister?

when she finally meets the family, the first time, it's awkward, zoe, connor's sister is a lively kid, she clings onto blaire the second they meet, and connor is, to say the least, out of it. he doesn't want to be there.

blaire resonates with it. and that's how they bond. the two run from the snobby dinner party, they sit outside, on the porch. they're awkward kids, don't speak, but they do know that they understand each other better than the adults ever could.

and that's how it started, few visits occasionally, until blaire moves to connor's school. it's the most public school-esque school she's ever done so much as seen. but connor is okay with it, well, as okay as he can be while hating it viscerally.

he gets bullied, blaire finds out. she hates it, she doesn't care who these people are, she doesn't like them. she spends a while defending connor, and then she meets evan. an anxious wreck, someone who doesn't want to be noticed, but of course she notices him.

so does connor, well, he notices before she does. but she's quick to follow. connor isn't big on befriending him, but she is. she wants him to feel seen, because she never has, not until him. she gives evan the best version of herself, and they form a friend group, a little trio, just them. and no one can hurt them, or can they?

── . ✶ ❝ C U R R E N T . ❞

LAST year of high school, on the path to be valedictorian, or whatever it is in american's high school, blaire callahan is looking to do what she was meant to do when she was younger, back at australia. she's friends with alana beck, a prodigy, but no one knows what these two go through. only connor and evan know blaire better than she seems to know herself.

but connor has been falling apart recently, and even if he acts "rad" and says it's just the usual, she knows. she always will, and evan does too. he's much more observant than he lets off. and blaire likes it. these two are scared for connor, they're worried, but blaire feels empathy. she's been here before, and it hurts.

it hurts bad to see him like this. it hurts so bad to see him like this, and have zoe be so angry. she's always been friends with zoe, and she doesn't like what connor has done to her, but now she's torn. and evan has to help her steer this ship away from this path, the one that'll lead them to their demise.

she's torn between two people, no, three, and three worlds that she'll have to navigate. and her parents too, and it's just so draining, so draining. she has to learn how to live, with herself, and with them, and with everything.

she hates high school, she says.

but she doesn't, she just hates how everyone she seems to care about is struggling, but she's ambitious, she will do anything to keep them afloat. and she will, no matter what, she doesn't care what happens to her, she's going to do it, for herself, for, connor, for evan.

she's been close with cynthia and heidi, connor and evan's mothers (respectively), but she doesn't know if she should tell them, maybe not yet, she thinks. the time will come.

and the universe will let her know, she believes in it. she believes in time, or does she? she hopes she does.

it doesn't matter though, she's going to figure out. this is blaire callahan the world is talking about. she's going to rock it.

── . ✶ appears in to be seen is to be loved [wip].

★ ; decided to make this post before actually putting the fic up (i haven't even finished the fic, i'm sick). i fell ill so i'm much slower, but it's okay, meet blaire everyone! another one of my girls <3 i've got some works with her in it in the plans, so!

ch4rryc0smos © 2024

[redisveryyummy]

Late night modern hotd music headcanons :D

Rheanyra loves Beyonce so fucking much dude

She feels like she would have one playlist and it's just called boss bitch or something

Reputation is the only Taylor Swift album she constantly listens to and evermore but we won't talk about that

Former theater kid, if you disagree argue with the wall

I am a strong believer that she is a fan of musicals/romcoms and her and her boys have a movie night where they watch their favorites and sing every song word for word

(Daemon does not participate)

ESPECIALLY MAMMA MIA

Rheanyra singing "Slipping Through My Fingers" to Jace and/or Luke has me sobbing my eyes out dude

Jace, Luke, and Joffery singing "Honey Honey" omg

JACE AND (INSERT S/O OF YOUR CHOICE PROBABLY CREGAN) SINGING "LAY YOUR LOVE ON ME" TO EACH OTHER AGHSBSUDBHD

Daemon listens to dad rock and dubstep exclusively, nothing else

Bro is literally the cbat guy

Daemon is really the kind of guy that would be like "there's this band but you probably wouldn't know it because it's so underground" and it's literally Weezer

Alicent loves her yearning music

Phoebe Bridgers, Frankie Cosmos, Laufey, Mitski, Conan Gray

Two words. BOY. GENIUS.

Her and Rheanyra have TOTALLY gone to many boy genius concerts together

folklore folklore folklore

Aegon 😐😑😐

Cbat guy 2.0

Listens to WAY to much house music

No real music taste

Whatever is on the radio, but like the radio in 2016 you know?? Or like late 2000's

1989 (Taylor's Version) he's not a monster lol

Usher (that's the only person I can think of rn lol)

Aemond only listens to classical music or weird experimental jazz because he thinks it makes him different

Activity hates on Taylor Swift for all the wrong reasons

Secretly likes her a little and is way too excited for The Tortured Poets Department

Helaena is so whimsical I love her sm <3

Very much into indie stuff with down to earth vibes

Hozier, The Crane Wives, Noah Kahn, Everybody's Worried About Owen, Bears in Trees, Maya Hawk

"Why Am I Like This" by Orla Gartland...iykyk

Jacaerys Velaryon is an Arianna Grande FAN I don't make the rules

Him, Beala, and Rheana definitely have little dance parties whenever they come over

Loves Ari and Brittany

Also enjoys country music

He gets it from his daddy 🥰

Taylor Swifts Self Title is his everything

LUCERYS VELARYON IS A THEATER KID I REPEAT LUCERYS VELARYON IS A THEATER KID

It's all his mom's fault

His playlists are all just musical soundtracks

Little Shop of Horrors, Heathers, The Falsettos, RIDE THE CYCLONE, BE MORE CHILL, Dear Evan Hansen, Hamilton

Same with the Hazbin Hotel soundtrack y'all don't even know

Luke loves "Hell is Forever"

Also bro has a HORRIBLE singing voice

Anyway I will probably have more tomorrow but that is what I got for tonight :))

[nitpick7]

Ayo anyone wanna see my essay on why removing Anybody Have A Map made the Dear Evan Hansen movie worse? It is slightly long

Disclaimer: I did like the movie (I cried three times), but I think they made some stupid decisions with it.

Dear Evan Hansen movie + musical spoilers under the cut, plus a fair amount of DEH neg/crit

Instead of Anybody Have A Map, they just have Evan's mom say "Hey are you writing those letters to yourself? Also you should ask the kids to sign your cast" before he goes to school and sings Waving Through A Window. They ignore every other part of the song and quickly insert the only thing from the song that's absolutely needed to understand the story so Evan can go be angsty at school. We don't even meet the Murphys until they meet Evan in the principal's office to tell him about Connor.

Disclaimer part 2 electric boogaloo: I complain about Evan a lot here. It's not because I think his experiences aren't valid and it's not because I'm trying to demonize people with mental illnesses or something. I know that his own struggles influenced his bad decisions. That doesn't mean they weren't bad decisions. He still did shitty things and he wasn't justified (listen to Words Fail), but I know it was influenced by his mental health.

On with the complaining!

First of all, the movie opens with Waving Through A Window? It feels like they're putting the most popular song first as a desperate grab for your attention to convince you the movie is good and like... they really didn't need to do that. Waving Through A Window is right after Anybody Have A Map, it's not like anyone's gonna walk out of the theatre after one (really good) song.

Anybody Have A Map establishes a few things: it shows us that both of these families are struggling so that we know immediately that the Murphys' perfect facade is fake, it shows us that Connor was a dick to his family (this is very important), and obviously it tells us why Evan was writing letters to himself. It also introduces us to the two main families at the same time so we know this story isn't just about Evan.

By starting the movie with an Evan solo song instead of the group song, they frame Evan as the one main character, the only person whose perspective we need to understand. But Evan is incredibly flawed, just like everyone else, and by making us think the story is only about him, it immediately makes us (the audience) more inclined to believe that Evan is always in the right and less inclined to consider everyone else's side of the story. Evan is an incredibly unreliable narrator, he's always going to frame his actions as correct, or at least excusable, even when he's actively hurting/lying to other people.

All of the Murphys get introduced through interacting with Evan instead of interacting with each other. This makes it seem like the Murphys only exist for Evan, but the entire point of the climax is that everything doesn't exist just for Evan! Evan is not part of their family, he can't just use everyone around him for his own benefit, and all of the Murphys have lives outside of him. When they're introduced through Evan, they're introduced as existing for Evan. Anybody Have A Map introduces them separately from Evan instead of attached to him.

Without Anybody Have A Map, we never actually see Connor being mean to Zoe, so she just looks like an asshole for not being sad about her dead brother. To make up for it, she's constantly having to tell the audience why she hated him, tripping over herself to talk about all the shitty things he did to her because we don't have Anybody Have A Map to show us their interactions. Zoe ends up complaining about her brother the entire time, so when it gets to Only Us and she says that she doesn't want everything to be about her brother, it seems out of character for her.

And with the removal of Anybody Have A Map, we don't ever see Connor interact with his own family in the movie. Anybody Have A Map is the only time we get to see Connor with his family. It shows us that Connor really was an asshole to his family, it justifies Zoe hating him, and it gives his mom more dimensions by showing her struggling to keep her family together even with everyone fighting against her. Without that, the writers ended up ignoring the most basic piece of writing advice - "show, don't tell" - to fill in the missing information from the song.

In the movie, all we get of Cynthia Murphy is... her being sad about Connor and refusing to admit that he ever did anything wrong. She's just boring and annoying in the movie, but in the musical, we get that bit at the beginning that shows her as an actual person with actual motivations! By cutting Anybody Have A Map, they made her into a more one-dimensional character.

So in a bit of a conclusion: Anybody Have A Map establishes the Murphys as main characters separate from Evan and shows us Connor's relationship with his family instead of telling us about it. It sets the scene for the story before just jumping into "Evan is sad and alone uwu anxious depressed soft boy" and makes everyone a better, more three-dimensional character. Getting rid of it meant that they had to do backflips to justify everyone's decisions during the movie instead of setting everything up at the beginning.

I do think the movie could've benefitted from Disappear but then again, it could've benefitted from the whole "Connor being the visual/vocal representation of Evan's justifications for why keeping up the lie is helping people" thing in general, but they got rid of that so Disappear wouldn't have worked. (I am salty that they got rid of that thing but whatever) The Anonymous Ones worked instead and it was a good song, so sure, why not I guess? /neutral

I could also complain about how they got rid of To Break In A Glove, Disappear, and Good For You, but none of those decisions actually impacted the story too much. To Break In A Glove and Good For You both got replaced with some tell-not-show cutscenes that gave us the same information in a less interesting way (and Larry got less character development without To Break In A Glove), and Disappear got replaced with an Alana song which was honestly pretty good so i'm fine with that one.

Now for some good changes that the movie made!

The Anonymous Ones was a good song, I actually really liked that. I'm disappointed that they got rid of Disappear, but they replaced it with another song that served the same purpose while also giving Alana more screen time and character depth! And it was a genuinely good song, I really enjoyed it and it made me like Alana more!

I really liked the ending of the movie. In the musical, there are literally no negative consequences for Evan, Zoe even forgives him at the end. She fucking forgives him for lying to her entire family about their dead son and and taking advantage of them because it "brought them closer together". And the internet never finds out what he did! He does all this terrible shit, lies to the entire fucking world, and gets away scot-free. And he never learns anything real about Connor. The movie changes all of that.

Connor's song was also a great addition! Every time we saw Connor in the musical, he was either being a dick or he was a fantasy version of himself made by Evan and/or Jared. Seeing that Connor can, in fact, be a nice person, that Cynthia's belief in him wasn't misplaced, was so satisfying. He really was just a meaner version of Evan a troubled kid lashing out at the world in self-defense. He wasn't an entirely bad person.

The Murphys still decide not to tell anyone what he did, but then Evan decides (on his own!) that he needs to own up to what he did. He records a video of himself admitting to what he did, shifts all the blame to himself, and then goes out of his way to fix his mistakes in any way he can. He says that his biggest regret is not getting to know Connor while he had the chance, so he goes online to find anything he can. He reads Connor's favorite books, tries to find anyone who might be able to tell him what Connor was like, and when he receives a video of Connor playing his song in rehab, he takes the time to send the video (through the mail, on a flash drive) to the Murphys, Jared, and Alana.

Evan doesn't contact Zoe at the end, she contacts him instead. She doesn't forgive him, and he doesn't ask for forgiveness. He knows what he did was wrong and he owns up to it and tries to fix it as much as possible, knowing full well that it could ruin his life. He does the right thing for the first time in the entire fucking movie (that's hardly even an exaggeration) and it's such a good ending. It makes more sense and is more satisfying than the musical.

The Dear Evan Hansen movie was not nearly as bad as the reviews say it was. It wasn't as good as the musical, it had its own problems, but it also made some good changes that I think made the story better. It wasn't perfect, but I enjoyed it and most movies aren't perfect anyway. It really could've benefitted from Anybody Have A Map, though.

[trekkiehood]

In honour of No Content November I will be posting an in-depth review of at least one fic a day.

If you are a content creator in one of my fandoms participating in No Content November, DM me your Ao3/FF.net/Wattpad name and I will look into your fic.

Even if I've already read your stuff, still DM me!

No guarantee that I will review your fic but I will do my very best! I will only be doing fics with authors on Tumblr. I also would like permission to review your fic, so if you're okay with it, DM me.

Rules:

No mature/explicit stories.

No smut.

No self inserts.

Minimal romance (New Dream and Phinabella are accepted tho).

Preferably angst/whump.

Fandoms:

The Umbrella Academy

Tangled

Phineas and Ferb

Sherlock

Doctor Who

Robin Hood (BBC)

Adventures in Odyssey

Turn: Washington Spies

Hamilton

Newsies

In the Heights

Bandstand

Star Wars

Star Trek (TOS)

Boy/Girl Meets World

Hogan's Heroes

Dear Evan Hansen

MCU

If your fandom is not on this list but you've seen me post about it, DM me.

Have a wonderful No Content November and get some much needed rest!

[d1noph0bia]

i have never watched dear even hansen, but from what ive gathered its two highschoolers writing a self insert fanfiction about their dead (????) classmate

[flightysquip]

VANCE WRITES THINGS

i offer writing commissions for both fanfiction and original fiction, including nsfw/kink. i'm open to just about anything. if you're worried, feel free to ask. i won't bite. under the cut is more information on prices, fandoms, and how to contact me.  i’ll make a prettier post eventually, but this is just to get a feel for any interest.

**WILL DO**

- kink/nsfw

- yes even the weird ones

- yes even *that* weird one

- no really, i will

- sfw is fine too (both? both. both is good)

- gore (tasteful or gratuitous)

- any pov

- prose or poetry

- any genre

- alternate universes

- canon/oc

- fully original concepts/characters

- oc/oc

- polyships

- canon/reader or self-insert fics

**WILL NOT DO**

- hell if i know. test my limits! make it weird! this should be less positive, this is supposed to be my no-nos. 

**FANDOMS**

- Be More Chill (any canon; book or various Broadway adaptations)

- Bully/Canis Canem Edit

- Daria

- Bojack Horseman

- It (any canon)

- The Outsiders

**NEGOTIABLE FANDOMS**

- Steven Universe

- MCU

- Hetalia

- Dear Evan Hansen

- Harry Potter

- Movie fandoms that only require one (1) film viewing, provided I can access it

**PRICING**

For oneshots:

- $5 for every 500 words

- Maximum 10,000 words

For multichapter:

- 1-4 chapters: $50

- 5-9 chapters: $80

- 10-15 chapters: $110

- 16+: $20 per chapter if you want a long form fic

Chapter fics guaranteed minimum of 2000 words per chapter

For poetry:

- $15 flat fee

Drabbles:

- 100 word maximum

- $1 for one, $5 for 7

THESE PRICES GUARANTEE THE MINIMUM WORD COUNT REQUESTED, SHOULD THE AUTHOR GO OVER THE LIMIT, YOU WILL NOT BE CHARGED (ie if you order a 500 word oneshot, and author finds it takes 1000 to complete, you only have to pay for what was ordered)

Samples can be found on my AO3, or here on my Tumblr, or if you'd like to ask for other samples, I can provide small samples for the fandom/scenario suggested (an outline, a paragraph, etc)

Additional $10 fee per chapter for anything within negotiable fandoms section

**PAYMENT**

- payment through Paypal

- those who pay fully upfront will receive commission faster

- require at least half payment before beginning work

**INQUIRIES**

- DM here on tumblr or email me at mxolijames4@gmail.com

- Include a price range or word count range you’re interested in, and a general idea of what you’d like, and we’ll work from there

[seilahsacress]

Ffs don't compare DEH and 13RW

I've always loved the Dear Evan Hansen musical ever since I first heard it. These days, I was getting more and more into it.

Reading the comments under one of the songs' Youtube video, I've seen someone daring to mention this musical in the same sentence as that other toxic thing and...

Are you kidding me?

ARE.

YOU.

KIDDING.

ME.?

Dear Evan Hansen has a great represantation of suicide and mental disorders. The main character is a teen-aged boy. His anxiety isn't romaticized, it's shown to be truly problematic. There's another character who commits suicide and his suicide isn't romanticized either, it's shown to be tragic and devastating.

The main character is still a real human who screws up at times and other characters rightfully get mad at his screw ups without the narrative bashing them as monsters - this is an example of an accurate, not fetishized portrayal of depression and anxiety in fiction! Also, other characters' personalities and emotional needs aren't invalidated because of Evan or Connor's "worse suffering uWu".

At top of these, Dear Evan Hansen musical can truly help those who suffer from anxiety and/or depression and have suicidal thoughts, with its messages. No one deserves to disappear, you'll be found... Is my point taken?

I would die for literally every single character in the DEH musical, this includes the fodder voices too. Compare that to Hannah, the selfish entitled baby whom I wanted to choke.

God, I remember how pissed I was about 13RW when it fist came out. If it hadn't been before I even created this blog, you'd have seen me ranting about it relentlessly too.

13RW's portrayal of suicide is toxic, it's nothing more than the edgy revenge fantasy of a Sueish self-insert who thinks the world revolves around them. Have I said that the show is toxic? Ignoring advices of experts in the area, adding extremely graphic scenes just for the shock value, portraying suicide as a considerable option towards the young audience and blaming survivors for others' suicide...

That cancerous substance doesn't deserve one drop of praise it gets, keep it away from stuff I actually like :/

[salemwasinyouryard]

2020 Bullet Journal Spread

Hello, you beautiful people! Welcome to my first original post of 2020! Today's post is going to be about a hobby of mine that I've been into for quite some time now, and that hobby is bullet journaling.

You may ask, "what is bullet journaling?" According to this Goodhousekeeping.com, "Equal parts day planner, diary, and written meditation, bullet journaling turns the chaos of coordinating your life into a streamlined system that helps you be more productive and reach your personal and professional goals. With sections to log your daily to-do’s, monthly calendar, notes, long-term wants and more, your BuJo is customized to your life. (Entries are tagged with bullet points, dashes, and other graphics so you can see their categories at a glance.)" For me, bullet journaling is an art form that lets me express my thoughts in a creative way. You can have any theme, any markers, and everyone in the bullet journaling communities I'm in is so nice, so that's a plus.

Anyways, I'm sure that you're waiting to see what you're here for, so here it is!

This is the cover page for this year. I save the bigger themes for the individual months since it allows more variety to the overall journal (that being said, be sure to look out for another bujo post!)

These next two pages are going to be filled with the birthdays of my loved ones. This is probably nowhere near the amount of pages that I need, but you live and you learn. At the bottom of the first page, I have included a few of my resolutions going into 2020 and for generally going into this decade. I've slacked off too much in the past so now is as good a time as any to nip my bad habits in the butt and start taking better care of myself.

At the top of the next page, I've added a quote from the musical "Dear Evan Hansen". The quote says "Today is going to be a good day, and here's why: because today, you're you, and that's enough." This quote is from the song "Finale". This quote, I feel, is really going to help me over this next year because I've struggled with my self image in the past and it's kind of a reoccurring issue I feel everyone faces, so I feel like everyone should memorize this quote like they memorize their favorite song's lyrics (which may or may not be this song).

Please excuse the unstraightened lines I did these pages in class and I didn't have a ruler These next two pages are dedicated to all the books I plan to read this year. I read a pretty good amount, but, honestly, when is there too much reading? At the top of the first page, there is a section dedicated to all the new friends I plan to make this year. I made so many last year and that makes me feel better about myself, so I'll have a page such as this as a reminder of how many people are in my life, and how many people I'm happy are in my life.

This is a period tracker. Pretty self explanatory. I decided to insert this page because even though I have Flo on my phone, I have two places to check if I can't find one or the other.

Thank you for reading my blog. I love you and I hope that 2020 is one of the best decades of your life.

[antialiasis]

Dear Evan Hansen

So I developed an interest in this musical during my semi-recent Groundhog Day obsession, when thanks to following everything posted about GhD on Tumblr, I ended up on the periphery of the general Broadway/Tony discourse. Everyone was talking about Dear Evan Hansen, either how good it was or how overrated it was, and I stumbled across some post suggesting it involved teens with issues and suicide, at which of course my ears perked up because I am me.

I listened to the soundtrack and read a basic plot summary on Wikipedia. The songs weren't amazingly up my personal musical alley for the most part, but still pretty good, and I was quite intrigued by the character work in them - the increasingly obvious wish-fulfillment of Evan's story in For Forever, culminating in the choked-up repetition of "He's coming to get me", suggesting without having to say directly that actually no one came to get him; the repeated "falling in a forest" motif never quite saying he let go but making it clear this moment was more meaningful than one would expect long before the plot summary indicated we'd find out he'd been suicidal; Zoe's subtle denial in Requiem; the tragic irony of Evan inspiring everyone with a speech about how you will be found when he knows better than anyone that sometimes you won't. This was good shit! I wanted to try to see it on the same trip as Groundhog Day, but the tickets were all well sold out, and ultimately I more or less gave up on the possibility. (I'd actually missed that there was a lottery for the show, but we tried it when we were in New York and didn't win.)

It just wouldn't quite leave me alone, though, so with no prospects for being able to see it legitimately at any point in the foreseeable future, I ended up giving up and watching a bootleg.

(Excessive overcritical rambling about characterization, subtlety, etc. under the cut! It is very critical, so by all means scroll on by if that’s not your jam.)

After all the mental buildup, I ended up sort of underwhelmed by the actual show, unfortunately. When I listened to the soundtrack I'd filled in blanks, imagining all the rich development that might be happening in between the songs - Evan slowly growing closer to Connor's dad before To Break In a Glove, say. But actually watching it, it felt like there was a lot less development than I'd imagined. There isn't really anything about Evan growing closer to Connor's dad other than the song itself, or a lot of development for Connor's dad at all outside of it. Zoe's conflicted feelings about Connor, legitimate fear and hatred coupled with a strange, paradoxical longing for him to really have had a better side to him that actually loved her, are fascinating, but aren't really explored outside of what I'd already heard in Requiem and If I Could Tell Her - Zoe's role ends up being mostly about being the target of Evan's dubiously ethical romantic interest, without really tackling the things about her that were actually interesting.

When I first listened to the soundtrack, I didn't actually pick up on Jared or Alana existing as characters. I'm not great at discerning voices on a first listen, so while for example Sincerely, Me was a bit confusing, I parsed it just as a dialogue between Evan and the imaginary Connor in his head, with "Connor" making the sardonic suggestions to ridicule Evan's pathetic efforts in between theatrically reading out what Evan was typing. They were in the plot summary, though, so I figured it out eventually, and the Tumblr fandom was full of posts about Jared and Alana - how complex they were, how much people related to them, everyone shipping Evan with Jared (of course). So I looked forward to seeing more of these characters that the soundtrack didn't really show off.

As it turned out, though, they weren't much in the way of characters, really. There are a couple of lines about Alana's anxiety and how she also feels like she's alone and doesn't matter - but they're ultimately throwaways. Alana is mostly just a plot point, as the person who's invested enough in the Connor Project to care but still detached enough to start to notice and question the discrepancies in Evan's story. Her dialogue is almost entirely either pure plot advancement or jokes; she may be secretly troubled and anxious, and eventually she spells out that she originally latched onto the Connor Project because of that, but the show just keeps kind of making fun of her - the most prominent characterization she gets is the running gag where she acts like she was so totally close to Connor while making it obvious she actually barely knew he existed - and she doesn't really get to act out the complexity the show wants to imply. We never see the Connor Project affecting her life, or get a real sense that it's giving her meaning that she was lacking before; it's told and not shown. That makes sense for a minor character who's mostly there to play a role in the plot, but the fandom had made me expect a lot more, and I really think she could have been done a lot more interestingly if they'd just spent less time making jokes about her.

And Jared... is desperately unlikeable. A lot of people on Tumblr were criticizing the play for not punishing Evan enough for his actions - but at the same time everyone was in love with Jared. This is baffling, because as far as I can see, it's pretty much Jared who ropes Evan into this in the first place. Evan originally tries to tell the Murphys that Connor didn't actually write the 'suicide note', but they dismiss him and Cynthia acts extremely upset, and Evan is too timid to try to be firm and argue with these grieving parents in order to explain to them that actually their dead son had no friends. After this he's panicking and anxious about having to clear up the misunderstanding, but it's Jared who convinces him he absolutely can't tell them the truth and has to just smile and nod and keep up the pretense. After this, Jared relentlessly mocks and bullies Evan as the lie spirals out of control, makes a silly attempt to insert himself into it, gets mad when Evan says they must stick to the established story where Jared necessarily wasn't involved, then gets hurt and complains when Evan stops hanging out with him once he's got something else to do and other people who like him. Obviously Evan is in no way an innocent party here - he does start to latch onto the fantasy of this imaginary friendship with Connor and this doting family that wants and likes him, and soon he's clearly keeping up the charade for himself and not to make Connor's family feel better. But none of this would have happened if it weren't for Jared convincing him he absolutely needed to keep up the lie, yet what Jared says when it's all gotten out of hand isn't "Look, I'm sorry, this is wrong, I was wrong, you should have told them the truth from the start", but "You should remember who your friends are." Maybe Evan would remember who his friends are if you'd ever been anything resembling an actual friend to him, Jared! I gather stage directions and cut songs and so on show that Jared actually has a very low self-esteem and is covering up his insecurities with sarcasm and bullying behaviour, which is great, but I wish any of that really got through in the actual play, because in the actual play Jared is just intensely unsympathetic. As it stands, his narrative function is to show how friendless Evan is (the best he's got is this guy, who freely tells him he only hangs out with him because he's literally being paid for it) and to be the person who's callous enough to think lying to a grieving family about being friends with their dead son to save face is okay, because Evan is actually better than that and wouldn't have done it otherwise. Like with Alana, I'm sure there's something interesting there, in theory, that the actor taps into while playing him. But within the actual show, the way he acts by and large isn't interestingly informed by his insecurity; he's just being a mean-spirited, bullying, opportunistic asshole. He has no real redeeming qualities and then just kind of vanishes abruptly from the story towards the end, before he gets the chance to even react to the lie being (partly) exposed (which could have been a nice opportunity to show him being a non-dick for once).

I was also sad to discover that in the actual play, things that were subtle and interesting on the soundtrack are just spelled out. Evan explains in so many words near the very beginning, before we even hear For Forever, that he broke his arm because he fell out of a tree and the funny thing is nobody came to get him so he was just lying on the ground alone for a while. That beautiful, emotional repetition in the song - And I see him coming to get me. He's coming to get me. And everything's okay. - isn't using Evan's emotion as he makes up a false wish-fulfillment narrative to implicitly tell you about something that really happened; it's just a straightforward lie contradicting something established explicitly earlier on. There's nothing wrong with that, but man, I thought it was something sublime. Even stuff like To Break In a Glove - on the soundtrack, Evan says, "Connor was really lucky to have a dad who... who cared so much, about... taking care of stuff," and it establishes nicely, implicitly, that Evan's own dad never cared and never played baseball with him, which Connor's dad clearly understands in the pause that follows even though he doesn't remark on it directly and just reiterates his instructions about the glove. But in the actual thing, they spell it out. A moment that wasn't a big crowning moment of subtlety or anything but still nicely understated, trusting the listener to get the implied meaning without stating it outright, isn't even that. That's a bit disappointing.

I wonder if in some previous iteration of the story it used to be subtler, but they later made it more explicit to make it easier to follow. That or, you know, I extrapolated subtlety simply from having incomplete information. One of the two. (If it's the latter, though, I'm amused at how coincidentally good that incomplete information is.)

I was also surprised by just how little we learn about the actual Connor, even after seeing Tumblr jokes about Mike Faist being nominated for a Tony for spending fifteen minutes onstage. I expected fifteen minutes meant we'd see just enough of Connor to be able to form a reasonably complete picture along with the stuff we'd learn second-hand - but we don't really get to form any clear picture of Connor at all. We see that he smokes weed, that he suffers from severe paranoia, that he has violent episodes. There's, I think, pretty much exactly one scene giving real, subtle, humanizing insight into his character - the one in the computer lab, where Connor talks to Evan and signs his cast despite his outburst earlier (showing that he awkwardly wants to make up for shoving Evan but is still unwilling to directly apologize or address it), and he jokes about how they can both pretend they're friends (implying he too might be lonely and wishes he had friends, and if things had gone differently perhaps they could have become friends for real), but then when he sees Evan's letter referring to Zoe, he lashes out with sudden intense paranoia again and pushes him away (implying he does care about his sister on some level, as well as showing just how bad his mental health issues are and giving an idea of why he's not exactly popular). This one scene really is very good and exactly the sort of thing I wanted from this musical! But this is his last scene before he dies, and the majority of Connor's time onstage is as the imaginary version of him in Evan's head, which isn't very well developed and doesn't have very much to do with the real Connor. Moreover, we don't end up learning very much from Connor's family after his suicide at all. They used to have picnics at an apple orchard; Connor once had an episode where he screamed he was going to kill Zoe; that's pretty much about it. I was expecting imaginary Connor to kind of be developed as a character in his own right, based on Evan's perception of what the actual Connor was like at school, but imaginary Connor doesn't end up getting much in the way of characterization, instead serving more as a mouthpiece to manifest some of Evan's inner monologue as it pertains to how he relates to Connor and projects his own feelings and experiences onto him. That kind of makes sense, since Evan knows basically nothing about Connor, but just the same, it feels like a missed opportunity to flesh out Connor's character in general. When Connor and the made-up fantasy of him that Evan creates are such a huge part of the story, it seems natural to make use of the real Connor to compare and contrast Evan's fantasy Connor, but the show ultimately doesn't really go there, and Connor remains kind of just the potential to be a character more than a real character. I think that's a shame; it'd be fascinating to get a good look into the mind of someone with Connor's kind of severe mental health issues (as opposed to Evan's anxiety, which is much easier for an average person to grasp and relate to), and I think it'd strengthen the show's commentary on teen suicide if the kid who took his own life were a real, developed character that we can properly understand and empathize with.

All that having been said, though, it's still a good show. I might have appreciated it more if I hadn't spent weeks making up my own version in my head before I gave in and watched the bootleg, but there are still a lot of things it does do really, really well. Evan's anxiety and general self-hatred and character progression is well portrayed; he's relatable and sympathetic while making hugely misguided, horrible choices, with real, intriguing psychological depth actually driving the things he does. And some things really are good and subtle in the final product, like Evan relating to Connor and projecting onto him because he'd been suicidal himself, the general hints at that fact before it actually comes to light. So Big / So Small is genuinely one of the best-done tearjerker songs I've ever heard; the truck story is kind of cheesy but it's so cute and childlike and tragic and spaced out in the perfect way with Heidi's feelings of being helpless and overwhelmed. Heidi in general is such a good character; she's trying so hard, and loves him so much, but she has to get by and just doesn't have the ability to be there for him as consistently as someone like Cynthia. And with how hard she works, and how much she loves him, of course it hurts her to learn her son has found this second family behind her back, a family of rich strangers that feel sorry for her and want to give her handouts. She's so flawed and I love her.

(After Anybody Have a Map?, where Cynthia and Heidi's experiences of trying their hardest for their sons when they don't really know how are compared, I was hoping they'd both be getting similar levels of development, but alas, Cynthia definitely gets the short end of the stick. She gets more development than Connor's dad, and the way she unlike the rest of her family unreservedly loved her son in spite of everything is interesting, but again, without actually getting much insight into Connor, it's hard to gain a complete understanding of why she feels that way, or of her mental state in general.)

Requiem is a really beautiful song and my favorite in the show, although the aforementioned So Big / So Small kind of needs its own scale because damn. Sincerely, Me is very catchy. The "To disappear, disappear" chorus of Disappear was one of the first bits that stuck with me on the soundtrack, particularly the way the quiet abruptness of the latter "disappear" actually conveys the feeling of disappearing. Good for You and Anybody Have a Map? are both good.

And the performances are very good in general. Rachel Bay Jones as Heidi may actually be my favorite because as I explained above I really like Heidi, and Ben Platt's anxiety as Evan is palpable and believable. I may not like Jared the character, but Will Roland does nail the role, I think. And of course, I'm sure the show is much better live than watching a bootleg. Live theater is a whole different experience, and if I ever do get a good chance to see it properly, I'll go for it.

(But I liked Groundhog Day better.)

[revivedandabandonedkids]

Writing Tag Game

 I was tagged by @vraberika literally just now holy cheese and puddings I am somewhat remembered and wow I was pleasantly surprised.

Seriously thank you so much/// You’re? The actual sweetest?

What is your total word count on AO3?

113153

Since? October of 2015 wow I write slowww

But to be fair I have tons of abandoned wips haha.

Pretty sure a huge chunk of it was from the DEH series I completed a while ago.

How often do you write?

When I get the time to do it. Between school and the translations I do on another site, there isn’t nearly enough spare time for writing than I’d like. Then there’s the writers’ blocks and those are always fun amiright

I really really wish I can write more though... at least finish up my previous wips hnggggg I’m very very sorry I’ve been so inactive but I just don’t have the time and effort to manage everything.

Do you have a routine for writing?

Not really? I just go with the flow mostly. Idk what you mean by “rountine”... I’m pretty...un-routinely.

What are your favorite kinks/tropes/pairing?

Enemies to friends/lovers probably. I don’t know why it’s always intrigued me!! I also love fantasy AUs <3

As for pairings... I have a bunch? But for the Ina fandom it’s afufubu (no surprise there)

Do you have a favorite fic of yours?

I automatically hate every fic I write because I’m never really “satisfied” with them. I mean yeah they probably took days, weeks, even months of planning and rewriting, but there’s always room for improvement, because I’m obviously not the best writer. I always get this feeling aw darn I ruined that idea. I bet [insert random fanfic writer] could do amazing things with this idea but I had to sabotage it.

As you can see I don’t have the highest self-esteem.

But if we’re really talking here.....

Probably either Freshly Drugged and Ready to be Slaughtered, which I wrote for the Haikyuu fandom, because I got to explore my version of the characters when put under the harsh environments that is the Hunger Games (and also I love writing angst AHAHA)

Or Tips to Teen Angst, Friendship Maintenance, and the Art of Matchmaking, which I wrote for the Dear Evan Hansen fandom. I got to write a bunch of fun texty dialogue. (I made them swear a lot whoops) I don’t know I really enjoyed the pacing of this one.

If we’re talking about the Ina fandom though- I’ve actually written a bunch of fics I never posted online. My favorite has got to be the one titled 吹雪（敦也）on my blog, which literally just means Fubuki (Atsuya). I like to sound sophisticated. Fight me.

I really love writing that one because I got the explore the dynamic between Aphrodi and Atsuya, who have never actually interacted onscreen!! It’s just so interesting!!! (Hi I’m a professional rarepair shipper. Romantic/platonic/rivalry we have it all!)

Your fic with the most kudos?

I don’t know what to say here because I’ve literally never put any of my Ina Eleven fics on AO3........ pysch!

How Do Friendships Work Again (Dear Evan Hansen), with 166 kudos. Which is strange. Because yes, I spent a lot of time and thought on that fic, it’s really not one I struggled with. It was not one of those ideas that I carry with me everywhere, it was not one of those stories that I spend forever revising and replanning. It was quick, it was written on a whim. I still cherish it very very much, but it just comes to show how the popularity of certain fandoms affect the stories’ feedback. I could spend grand lengths of time and devotion to this one, well thought-out fanfic I wrote of a rarepair, and get completely dismissed. I could spend a few hours to write this short, sweet fluff piece that doesn’t really hold much lore or depth, and get a bunch of attention just because people like that particular pairing.

Anything you don’t like about your writing?

Everything lol.

I have so much to work on.... The flow, the pacing, the vocabulary, the list goes on and on and on.

The only thing I can write is dialogue, and it’s not like I can make my characters talk forever.

Or maybe I could.

I should experiment it sometime.

Now something you do like about your writing?

Oops already answered that one above.

The dialogue, because I am a certified Trash-TalkerTM So I’m constantly applying that skill onto the sassier characters.

I mean people have told me that I write really fun dialogue and honestly I trust their tastes over mine.

Imma tag @ozrockbitway I guess? If you’d like? *hides behind a pillow*

I’m a huge.... outsider......... actually............because I’m always...........disappearing randomly....................and I apologize for that..............................I’malsoreallybadatmakingfriendssotheresthathaha

I’ll... try to be more active in the fandom but honestly? No promises. I love Ina Eleven because it made up a huge part of my early cringe teen years, and I always will love Ina Eleven, but I have school, I have other fandoms, I have other projects I’m working on and I don’t know how to divide my time fairly anymore. Especially recently I’ve been pushing myself to update things that I’m not really feeling, but because my followers are really looking forward to them, I update anyway. Not the healthiest, I know. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life anymore.

I honestly have a lot I’d like to say about the new Ina Eleven series, but I haven’t found the time to put them into words yet. I’d say keep a lookout if you’re interested in my piece of mind.

Thank you all so much for the support you’ve shown me in the past. You are all amazing, no matter what you might think or what others might say, every single one of you!! I hope you all have a wonderful day!!! And oh boy how in the world did this turn into a self-reflection post I thought this was a light and happy tag game.

[puppykiva]

Fun Fact at the beginning of the summer when Roosterteeth was uploading the second season of Camp Camp I started to make a Self-shipping animatic to the song “If I Could Tell Her” from Dear Evan Hansen with me and the Davey boi.

I stopped working on it for now, but I’ll probably go back to it one day because I still like the idea.

Even though the person in this who was David’s “brother” was Cameron Campbell and now he’s in jail so fuck me.

I’m making, even more, self insert animatics because I am an unstoppable force of self-comfort. SO if you want to see more W.I.P animatics like this just tell me because I like it when people support my self-insert shenanigans!

Also I know there's a lot of inconsistency with this, I’ll fix them later.

[fanficsandfluff]

Dear Evan Hansen: Rocks in a Hard Place

sentence starters

Based off of this prompt I don’t really see DEH with reader inserts working at all, so I just made it a normal Evan/Connor :) Mentions of wanting to commit suicide, hurt/comfort, and it ultimately ends fluffy. I’m very sorry if this angers anyone with an actual mental illness since I do not know how to handle them, so my writing may be inaccurate. I just hope it isn’t insensitive. If it is, I won’t try to tackle these issues in the future.

Words: 1,362

“Is something wrong?”

“No, Evan, everything’s peachy fucking keen.”

Evan frowned, holding his arm nervously. He came over to visit Connor after he felt something was off with his friend during school that day. He wouldn’t speak to him or even look at him whenever Evan tried to make contact.

Connor smelled like weed. Heavily like weed. Usually, that drug wasn’t the problem for Connor. But Evan could tell he was under the influence of other stuff at the moment, as well.

“I-If something is wrong, you can talk to me,” Evan said firmly, knowing him being strong is what Connor needed.

Connor huffed and he chuckled derisively, “Everything’s wrong. When is anything right?”

Evan frowned and he went towards Connor sitting at his desk and wrenched him to his feet, “Don’t fight it.”

Connor growled when Evan first lifted him, but he didn’t protest when he felt the support Evan gave him. Evan brought Connor to the bed and let him lay in it. Then Evan sat protectively beside Connor.

The long haired teen looked up at Evan through hazy, red, watery blue eyes. A choked sob made its way out of his mouth and he hung his head, unashamedly clinging onto Evan.

Evan sighed, knowing exactly where Connor could be coming from sometimes. It was obviously a bad day, and something had triggered it. He didn’t know what and frankly, he didn’t care what did it. All that mattered was taking care of Connor.

“Wh-Why do I have to be like this?” Connor sniffled through tears.

“Be like what? It isn’t your fault, Connor,” Evan tried to distance Connor from blaming and hating himself.

“Then who’s fucking fault is it!? I did this to myself! I’m just a worthless piece of shit, and the world’ll be fucking better when I’m out of it--”

“Shut up!” Evan raised his voice and frowned deeply, looking aghast at Connor.

“It’s true--”

“No it isn’t! Connor, stop. The world... The world is always gonna be shitty. That’s the truth of it. But you removing yourself from it won’t change anything. It’ll make people’s lives worse if anything. I know! Believe me, I know where you are right now. And that’s why I’m here... I would’ve liked someone like me when I was like you,” Evan swallowed nervously. Connor was still huddled into Evan’s side, and his gaunt face stared up at the other while he was speaking.

Connor sobbed again, “I-I... It’s so hard,” he cried.

Evan nodded and he squeezed Connor in a tight hug. This wouldn’t cure him. He knew that. It would take an incredible amount of time to change Connor’s mind. One step at a time. If only he could just get him smiling for right now.

Evan rubbed circles on Connor’s back as he hugged him, wanting to soothe away his aches.

Connor’s sniffles died down after some time. Evan’s hand was getting tired, but he refused to stop administering his touch to Connor. Not until Connor shifted and turned on his back, his head now resting in Evan’s lap. He looked up at Evan and sighed.

“I’m tired,” he mumbled, shutting his eyes and getting comfortable.

Evan blushed, having no say in the matter. Connor wanted to sleep on him, and dammit he wasn’t going to deprive him of that. So Evan got as comfortable as he could while sitting practically upright in Connor’s bed, wanting to sleep like his friend.

And it worked. Connor fell asleep on Evan, their shared body heat helping him sweat out the sickness his drugs caused him last night. Evan was now on his side in what looked to be an uncomfortable position since his legs were still mostly outstretched to be Connor’s pillow. 

With a start, Connor blinked his eyes open and took a deep breath. Fresh air. How-- oh, the window was open. Evan opened it when he first came inside last night. Connor sat up and stretched, rubbing his slightly achy eyes. 

With a turn of his head, he saw Evan sprawled out on his bed. The teen was snoring very slightly, so it almost sounded like heavy breathing. His shirt was rucked up to reveal a sliver of a pale belly. His hand was under his cheek and he was surely gonna wake up with a half asleep arm. 

Connor smiled softly and briefly. He crawled forward on the bed and shook Evan. 

“Mmmnoo...” Evan grumbled, thinking he was at home and his mom needed him awake. 

Connor grinned, “Ev? Wake up, idiot.”

Evan groaned and squeaked out a sleepy giggle when Connor prodded at his tummy, “I-I’m uhup. I’m up..” he laid on his back and shivered, having not slept with a blanket all night. 

Connor watched Evan move around and he was filled with such a sudden warmth, it was almost painful. Like a damn koala, Connor hugged Evan and clung onto his side. 

Evan was too asleep to really register what was happening.

“Thank you,” Connor said, muffled by Evan’s side. 

Evan yawned and he sighed, “For what?”

“For everything. I’m a shit person, and I’m sorry for putting you through--”

“You aren’t,” Evan cut Connor off, “A shit person.”

Self-deprecating was something Evan was very familiar with himself and he wanted that to be one of the first things Connor gave up. 

“You know what I mean. I’m sorry and thank you,” Connor and Evan looked at each other. Evan smiled gently. 

“I have soo many pains in my neck, my back, my arm, and my legs,” Evan mentioned.

Connor grinned, “Your fault for sleeping here.”

“Excuse you, you’re the one who kept me hostage by falling asleep on my lap.”

“You could’ve moved me and gone home to sleep in your own bed.”

Evan blushed, “I didn’t want to wake you.”

It was strange. Connor woke up acting like a completely different person. Still not exactly sober, but it was a cleansed version from the Connor Murphy of last night. 

“You know...” Evan began, “This is all pretty gay.”

Connor snorted and he giggled, nuzzling his face into Evan’s belly, “Yeahah, it is.”

Evan squeaked, “Wahahait! Don’t doho that, it tickles,” his hand pushed gently at Connor’s head. 

Connor’s face lit up and he smirked, “You’re ticklish?”

“A-A little.”

Connor attacked like a feral animal, immediately squeezing Evan’s slightly pudgy sides until Evan was cackling like a hyena. 

“Your laugh is soho...” Connor was smiling, his insides filling with sunshine at just the sound of Evan’s musical howls. 

Evan couldn’t think straight, being so damn ticklish. He’d laugh when Connor kneaded his sides and shriek even louder when he targeted his belly. His sensitive skin was always something of a burden. He’d bruise easily and break bones easily, as he later found out. 

“C-Connor! Noho please! I can’t take it, stohohop!” 

Connor fluttered his fingers around Evan’s neck and watched him scrunch up. 

Evan snorted, “You’re suhuch a bully!”

Connor knew Evan was only speaking in jest, so he just grinned and accepted that role, stuffing his hands under Evan’s arms and digging his fingers into the hollows. 

Evan arched his back, dying from all the playful tickles. Man, Connor really knew how to tickle a guy. Must’ve been practice from growing up with a younger sister. 

But at long last, with tears dripping down his cheeks and laughter coming out in wheezes, Evan was granted mercy. Connor sat back and marveled at the teen laying breathless in front of him. 

“We should d--” Connor cleared his throat, “We should do this again. More often.”

Evan blushed and he gazed up at Connor, “Mohore often? I dunno if I can handle that many tickles.”

Connor smiled, “I think you can.”

“I didn’t finish,” Evan sat up, “I don’t know if I can handle that many tickles if I don’t at least get some payback.”

Connor went wide-eyed before he was driven to hysterics like Evan was. His own laughter was pitchy and bright. A night like before wouldn’t have to come as often as long as Evan Hansen was around. They’d be each other’s rocks. Maybe rocks made of paper, but rocks nonetheless. 

[possumprose]

mobile links: writing info

GUIDE

short poem: a short poem is a one-paragraph poem of about six lines

long poem: a long poem is a much more detailed poem with multiple paragraphs (i’ve written up ten paragraphs before, but you can decide how many i write)

essay/book report/similar assignment for english class: this applies more to high school english classes, but i’d be willing to try out some uni stuff too! i’m not gonna be completely writing any of these since you’d get in big shit if you got caught, but i’ll be willing to help you with anything as much as i can <3

english questions: any kind of page(s) of questions you get in english class, maybe after you watch a movie or read a book or learn something new or whatever. i’ve read pretty much every book ever studied in high school english, and even regarding non-book questions i can’t imagine there being anything i couldn’t answer.

beta reading fanfiction/story: essentially, you can send me any fanfiction or original work or whatnot and i’ll proofread and edit it. important: i do feel comfortable beta’ing works of fandom i’m unfamiliar with, the fandom list (located directly after this section) is only for stuff i would be writing myself!

writing a fanfiction: self-explanatory. my writing guidelines for this are elaborated further below, but essentially i’ll write damn near anything. see my fandom list right below!

FANDOMS

- literally every musical ever (be more chill, dear evan hansen, heathers, starkid, etc)

- marvel

- dc

- harry potter

- percy jackson

- good omens

- my hero academia

- the arcana

- steven universe

- gravity falls

- she-ra and the princesses of power

- anne with an e

- parks and recreation

- pushing daisies

- the good place

- that 70s show

- monster high

- ever after high

- sonic the hedgehog (2020)

CONTENT

the only things i think i would refuse to write would be content with pedophilic relationships, and something genuinely racist/transphobic/bigoted in some way, or something that excuses or romanticizes abuse or something. i’ll write smut, gore, rarepairs, self-inserts and/or self/character ships, stories with your characters, etc. nothing is too embarrassing or self-indulgent!

EXAMPLES

- my starkid fanfiction account

- my other ao3 account

feel free to dm for examples of essays or poems, even if you’re not considering commissioning!

commission info

[lovvercore]

1-65 >:3C

uh oh… time to do this thing

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

sometimes, but usually its me feeling like im not real

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

4, maybe 4.5

3. The person you would never want to meet?

s*ca

4. What is your favorite word?

hmmmm moonstruck

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

aspen? ? ? ?

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i havent looked in a mirror all day

7. What shirt are you wearing?

plain black

8. What do you label yourself as?

uh gay emo nerd

9. Bright room or dark room?

dark

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

sleeping maybe idk

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

hmmm probably rn, 14

12. Who told you they loved you last?

shrug….

13. Your worst enemy?

thinking emoji……… u know

14. What is your current desktop picture?

griffin cronching a banana

15. Do you like someone?

yea uwu

16. The last song you listened to?

for forever - dear evan hansen

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

[thinking emoji]

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

[thinking emoji]

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

i dont want a slave thanks!

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

uh uh uh eyes

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

i dont think so tbh,,, im kinda open with what im “talented” at

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

i dont know exactly what this question is asking but ill say uhhh talking to people and annoying them and them being tired of me

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

H i dont eat sandwiches often enough to answer this

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

clothes

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

england

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

UH I DOnt drink bc im tiny but i guess mikes hard lemonade it sounds appealing

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

hhhh no straights unless i say theyre ok

29. What is your favorite expletive?

does thrussy count

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

fuck uh my phone would already be in my pocket so probs my backpack bc it has all of my super important stuff

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

oofa doofa most likely some stuff from an old discord chat lol

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

england.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

heres the problem with this: i dont really…. know of many dead people. so i cant. answer this well.

34. What was your last dream about?

idk i have a shit memory something about my online friends being at my school and shenanigans started

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

u never specified so rip i guess 

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

nope

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

yes

38. What is the color of your socks?

i think i wore sushi socks, theyre grey with som sushi on them

39. What type of music do you like?

a lot

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises but im never awake for them :o

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

cookies n creammmm

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

none

43. Do you have any scars?

yes, quite a few

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

either an artist of some sort, a school counselor, orrrrr a teacher?? idk

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

skin type lol

46. Are you reliable?

id say so !

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

are u a single btich

48. Do you hold grudges?

for some people c:

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

horse and bird. i want a pegasus. please.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

“ethan avery had such a glow up”

51. Are you a good liar?

thinking emoji

52. How long could you go without talking?

a long time……. id like to never talk again thanks

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

i had an a line in 1st grade idr what it looked like

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

yeah. ask me about the 8 pound cake

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

yes. sometimes when im reading something or talking to myself while doing hw i go into a british accent im turning british

56. What do you like on your toast?

butter and raspberry jam

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

me new oc bayani :o

58. What would be you dream car?

uhhhhh i dont,,,, know

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

yeah i sing a lot,,,,, like a lot,,,

60. Do you believe in aliens?

how self centered does someone have to be to think that theyre on the only planet that has living things in an infinite universe…..

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

no but i read zodiac posts a lot

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

u ;) aksudhfkasdjfkjsdh

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

dragons

64. What do you think about babies?

sometimes theyre cute but from my experience they are hell and i dont like them

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

u didnt specify sooooooooooooo lmk what this should b

[rhapsoddity]

i only just noticed this??? X’D

got tagged by @fatsmyname  ~

uhhhhhhh I tag @pittssmitts @thesinglesock @thebecelysimon but idk if youve done this or dont wanna or whatever 💦

nickname: Rhaps / Rach

star sign: libra 

gender: Female

mbti type: ISFP

height: 5’ 8″! I think??? either 5′8 or 5′9

time: uhhhhhh 9:36pm

birthday: 16th October!!!!

favorite bands: BTS? thats the only “band” I listen to but i listen to kinda varied music

favorite solo artists: dodie clark!! sarah close!!!

song stuck in my head: both good for you from Dear evan hansen and another terrible day from percy jackson and the lightning thief the musical

last movie i watched: i thiiiink it was Spiderman Homecoming?

other blogs:

  @incandescentbleats is my main

@w-i-n-g-s--webcomic which is my webcomic blog

@sheeps-art-references is my reference blog

... and 

ughhhh

@on-your-left-imaginings, my DEAD marvel self insert fanfic blog

and @bellajamesmarlowdementiaravenway a joke blog given to me by @thebecelysimon of which i plan to delete? or give back? i dont waaant itttt even though its what made us meet lmao

when i created my blog: last year I think?? but my main has been up since 2015.

what i post about: EvErYtHiNg

last thing i googled: outside anime background

following: 1776

followers: here....26!

(main has 278)

favorite color: red or yellow or blue

average hours of sleep: 6-8

lucky number: 69 bc im immature also TAZ 

instruments: violin, recorder, guitar, ukulele, piano and I sing

what im wearing:blue jean shorts, a dark blue shirt with red,white,andblue floral patterns (ans sOCKS)

how many blankets i sleep with: 1-5 depending on temperature and time in the night

dream job: character artist for a childrens show!

dream trip: roadtrip across america to that bill cipher statue

favorite food: G A R L I C   B R E A D

nationality: english ;P

[syrren]

Dear Evan Hansen X Yuri on Ice AU (see my other musical AUs)

So this has been swirling around in my head for ages (inspired in part by one of @zephyrine-gale‘s posts), and I have too many HCs to list, but featuring:

Yuuri as Evan Hansen

Victor as Connor Murphy

Yurio as Zoe Murphy

Phichit as Jared Kleinman

Minako as Heidi Hansen

Yakov and Lilia as Larry and Cynthia Murphy

See under the cut for headcanons about this AU (warning for long post)

Minako (Heidi Hansen) is a ballet dancer, but that means she’s always on trips, rarely home, and doesn’t bring much money home. Tries her best, and introduces Yuuri to ballet and eventually skating to deal with his anxiety along with his letters.

Yuuri (Evan Hansen) has his canon-typical anxiety, and no friends aside from the “family friend”, Phichit Chulanont. Honestly he and canon-Evan are basically the same, except instead of a closet tree nerd, Yuuri is a closet ice skating nerd who is actually really good at skating...he’s just never been able to skate in front of other people without his anxiety getting in the way and completely screwing him up.

Minako is childhood friends with the owner of the local rink (Hiroko Katsuki),  so she gives Yuuri a set of keys to the rink and he goes at random hours of the morning/night when no one else is there so he can skate alone.

Skating usually clears his mind and helps him relax, but one day, he’s just skating and thinking and skating and thinking and skating and thinking and in the middle of a jump, he’s thinking and he thinks: “what if I just...didn’t land right, and never got up again, wouldn’t everyone be better off? would someone come to get me? To help me? What if I―”

So he falls “on accident” and lays there dazed from his concussion and in pain from his broken arm and fantasizes about someone coming to help him for hours and hours until Hiroko comes in to open the rink in the morning and freaks out because he’s still lying on the ice, cold and alone, because when you’re falling in a forest an ice rink and nobody’s around, do you ever even crash, or even make a sound?

And of course he writes letters to himself on the advice of his therapist (Celestino, probably?), and they still come into play, but first:

Victor (Connor Murphy)  used to be the perfect student™ that everyone knew but never really knew. He used to get perfect grades and won all the academic competitions and figure skating competitions, but he never saw any point in all of it. Despite everything, he was never very close with his parents or his peers, and felt stagnant in everything from his grades to his competitions to, eventually, his personal hobby, ice skating. 

So once high school hit and even ice skating lost its appeal, he started dropping off the map and doing drugs and skipping school so by the time he commits suicide no one really knows him anymore and like typical high schoolers, no one really cares either (until the Victor Project of course).

The day he first talks to Yuuri in the computer lab isn’t the first time he’s seen him, but lord knows if Victor is ever going to admit that he broke into the local ice skating rink one day last summer and saw the most marvelous skater already there, skating his heart out to heartbreaking music. (He was skating to Waving Through a Window, and that song+Yuuri’s skating just about kills Victor but tbh who wouldn’t it kill). 

Near the end of the routine, the skater is on his final jump when suddenly he falls apart mid-jump, his limbs coming apart and going limp like he’s just...given up. Victor watches in silent horror as he crashes into the side of the rink, arm and head-first, slides a few feet on the ice, and goes still.

 Victor wants to help, but he panics and doesn’t know what to do (you know since he’s there illegally in the first place and being super stalkerish besides) so he just stays awkwardly until he sees Yuuri open his eyes, then leaves figuring that Yuuri can probably call someone to come help him.

So when he sees Yuuri in the hallway that first day, he panics and lashes out because he’s afraid that Yuuri knows he was there and didn’t help and hates him. In the computer lab, later, he decides to approach Yuuri a little more calmly with a VERY SUBTLE “So...how’d you break your arm?” (Nice going Nikiforov, very smooth, very subtle) and offers to sign his cast. Nevermind the stinging guilt when Victor hears that no one ended up coming to help Yuuri, and isn’t that just the saddest fucking thing he’s ever heard. It all goes swimmingly until he reads Yuuri’s letter.

Because you see, Yuuri has been wanting to talk to Yurio, Victor’s little brother for a very long time. Yurio is famous for being in the jazz band a very skilled figure skater, and Yuuri admires that even though he’s never actually talked to him. He had been inspired to start skating by a certain local figure skater a long time ago, after all, and since he never learned the skater’s name, he just assumed that it was Yurio, the only real publicly prominent figure skater in the area (Hint hint, it wasn’t Yurio). 

Yuuri  doesn’t have a crush on Yurio, but he wants to be his friend, and writes about him (in place of Zoe) in his letter.

And this piece of “mockery” combined with panic about Yuuri knowing combined with hopelessness because “Oh, he likes Yurio, not me.” is the last thing to tip Victor over the edge, and he leaves, the letter still in his pocket to...well, you know, to do what canon-Connor does at this point. He comes back as our resident dead gay son tho its ok

Yurio (Zoe Murphy) is Victor’s little brother, the self-proclaimed better skater/son, and he’s always resented Victor for being seemingly perfect and then throwing it all away. Yakov and Lilia (Larry and Cynthia Murphy) had always compared him to Victor, and Yurio feels Victor’s influence looming over him even in death.

 When Victor had been perfect, everyone told Yurio that he needed to “be more like his older brother,” but when Victor started crashing and burning, Yurio suddenly needed to “be better than his older brother” and he’s just so sick of being defined by his older brother that Victor’s suicide makes him even more bitter, because now he will never be able to surpass him and shed the shadow he left over his life. (Insert Requiem here) or as i like to call it in this AU, the “Victor Nikiforov is Dead” song.

So, when Yuuri comes out proclaiming that he was Victor’s best friend, Yurio is very very skeptical. Until it turns out that he knows Victor used to skate and he starts talking about an unmistakably real time they went skating together and Yuuri broke his arm trying a difficult jump, but Victor came to help him up (For Forever).

 And when Yurio, who has never been very close with his brother, but has always secretly wanted to be, asks Yuuri about why Victor would have written about him in his suicide note, Yuuri word-vomits everything he’s ever admired about Yurio’s (and by proxy, Victor’s) skating. (If I Could Tell Him).

The two of them end up bonding (platonically) and go skating together a lot because I’m a sucker for happy friendship.

Whenever he gets bored, Yurio scribbles stars cats on the cuffs of his jeans

Yuuri bonds with Yakov over skating, because Yuuri has never had a mentor for his skating (Minako helps, but she’s a ballet dancer, she doesn’t really understand). Yakov teaches Yuuri how “To Break in Skates” with a pair of old skates that he bought for Victor after Victor started drifting away (he doesn’t know that Victor never stopped skating).

Phichit (Jared Kleinman) and Yuuri used to be super close as kids, but their friendship kinda fell apart when Phichit started getting more social and Yuuri’s anxiety got in the way of any and all attempts at joining him and his friends.

Phichit gets enlisted to help write the emails and channels every shipping bone in his body into writing the gayest emails in existence, full of bad puns and as much sexual tension as Yuuri will allow him to slip in.

Yuuri also gets very attached to Victor while he’s “researching” for his faked emails. He finds a bunch of old videos of Victor in local skating competitions before he dropped off the map and falls in love with his skating all over again, realizing that Victor is the skater that inspired him to start figure skating, which leads him to base a lot of their “friendship” around skating.

Alright this is becoming a small novel, so I’m going to cut it there, but I have a bunch of sketches that aren’t finished yet, so definitely expect more from me on this AU! 

Please PM me if you have any ideas for who should be Alana or if you just want to talk about DEH/YOI in general, I’d love to hear what you think!