#dear anxiety fuck you

[chaos-coming]

Yall ive been needing new (colder weather) field pants, since my current ones are 7 years old and were like 20 bucks at walmart, so theyre only cotton and literally tearing at the seams at this point. I got them before forestry school and theyve seen most of the usa and 4 other countries and theyre my favorite cargos, but theyre literally starting to fall apart.

Like ive been looking for the right pair for a couple of years already, ive even been wearing my lightweight hiking pants with thermal underwear instead so i dont fully break my favorite ones that are dying on me. All because field pants are super expensive!!

But this summer im working so far north that im like a 2 hour drive from the friggin arctic circle, and its too cold here for the pants i wore in the desert, so i brought my old pants but theyre Ripping At The Inner Seams after one week of field work. So i went to the outdoor gear store here in town yesterday and spent like an hour trying on all the different styles and deliberating on thickness and pockets etc etc.

And i found a pair thats midweight and black and comfortable and they even have short lengths for sale in this nordic country of giants. And it was on sale for like 40% off, and this brand is pricey but really good quality, so i got them and im super happy with them they look awesome and are hopefully gonna last me another 10 years.

But i feel so incredibly guilty about shelling out so much money even for something i genuinely needed. Ive spent so much money on this research trip bc its seasonally sensitive and my funding doesnt arrive until august. And its super illogical and i dont want to annoy my friends and family with my anxiety, so have a long and pointless tumblr post.

Tldr: i bought myself very expensive but needed work pants yesterday and am feeling too guilty to enjoy them properly

[shannonsketches]

Why is the anime so weird, it's not even the same series dude?? It's like,

Anime:

GOKU: I have a great idea to bring peace to the universe, and my leadership and compassion alone will unite us all. I have No Flaws and am A True Relatable Everyman :)

VEGETA: NO! I AM THE BEST AND I WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS UNTIL I AM RECOGNIZED AS SUCH!!!!

Manga:

GOKU: Vegeta what's cornmeal made of? I know it's what the corn eats, but what's it made of? VEGETA: Hey Kakarot let's play the quiet game until one of us dies.

[creativebrainrot]

okay rambling time actually

i have so many identity issues (?) no one ever really sees me the way i see my self and i know thats because im currently incapable of allowing myself to act as I am due to my trauma caused by my father.

a n y confidence or personal opinion i dared to state as fact would get interrogated or questions or invalidated and that's resulted in me constantly, involuntarily, cushioning all my language in the tone "or whatever lol something like that lmao idk im just a stupid silly little guy!!! ive never had a thought ever lol lmao !!!!!!!!!" and I genuinely resent that.

its hard to break out of though because I do, also, enjoy purposefully joking like that. I can draw a line between that and my default behavior, its just hard; since the divorce, since his death, since finally being well and truly free, I have had to re-write myself. I'm doing better than ever yeah, this so called chrysalis phase of my life has by all account been awfully stress free, I am grateful for that.

I will never be grateful for being forced in to the molds I was by my father, I hope he rots alone in purgatory. To get back on topic- I am trying to 'fix' this, to rewrite myself into who I really am. It's kinda hard though; when your default is 120% "heehoo i am a sillay little gnome ive never had a thought in my life i am goofy !!!!" then anytime you do speak, plainly, like anyone else would, you feel like all of a sudden you're being "harsh" or "too serious." I know thats not true but part of me does, at least a little, fear that when I've grown into who I want to be the ones I love now won't be there / won't love me the same- I know that's unlikely, I know it won't happen, that if we fade from eachother it'd probably be for other reasons than my speech changing slightly. Because nothing else will change about me I'm not going to actually "get meaner" i'm simply a little frightened that's how it would sound to some.

But, you know. if, self-confidence and the real personality I have coming forward means I lose friends then were we ever really friends? in a way. I don't know but anyway that's only a small fear because I have deadpan phases and deadpan friends/people around me already.

It's the convincing myself to stop panicking everytime I let myself be confident or stoic or sure and secure. The day I've worked through most of the trauma that causes me intense anxiousness and insecurity is the day I can finally thrive and be me.

You don't know how tired I am of cushioning myself in language and tone that says "I am small. I am anxious. I am silly, goofy, tiny, harmless. I am not a threat. I am incapable of being a threat."

because people listen to you. and now that my father is dead and gone I got nothing to be traumatically defensive about like that.

[ibelieveinahappilyeverafter]

Sometimes, mental health is very difficult to manage and you have extreme executive dysfunction that makes it almost impossible to task switch or accomplish certain tasks.

This also means that, sometimes, you accidentally don't work on a commission piece for months except for a couple hundred words every other week and feel extreme guilt until the client contacts you asking for a refund.

And then, if you happen to have a very Oof bank account statement and are made of sheer stubborn will and spite, you will finish that commission by cranking out 6,000+ words in four hours.

I'm not sure where I was going with this, but if you commission me I guess the key is to threaten me by asking for a refund??? (Also, I don't do refunds once I begin writing a story anyways, but considering I essentially left this story on read for months, that was all on me.)

[lottaham]

Gooood morning chat who else feels like this

[makedamnsvre]

recently ive been getting really sick of my neighbors i wish that i had a bunch of money so that i could buy up their houses and only let people i live live near me

[worthless-misery]

Dear diary...

It's really no surprise I would end up here...

Addicted to a drxg to try to escape those feelings and thoughts that always linger...

I'm really a waste of everything. I'm worthless and I realize it more each day...

[pbjpuppy]

hi if u know me DONT FACKING READ THE TAGS I need to shout into the void ok? love you. have a puppy picture

[jos-10-minyard]

13/11/2023

I have so much to say I don't even know how to start this. Maybe discussing about how my mom's being suck a jerk with me this week. She fucking knows about all my mental health shit, and even so she gives me all the indications that she doesen't trust me enough. I already knew she and dad didn't trust me, but receiving the confirmation is tough. Very much tough.

Basically, what happened is: I'm living with my aunt in another state now, to try to take care of my mental health. It's been being really helpful, and she's an angel in my life, I can't express how much I love her and love being here, in my hometown. I'll try to apply to the university in here, so I can stay longer.

But let's go to what really matters now. Thursday, my uncle got his knee operated, and my aunt went to the hospital with him to stay a couple days. At thursday night, my older cousin and his wife came to stay with me and my youngest cousin, so we won't be alone for the night (even though I'm 20 and he's 18). Friday, my aunt told me to call my friends to sleep with us, and so I did.

So here we were: me, Rafa, Ninne and Luiz (my youngest cousin), doing a barbecue and swimming at night (it's really fucking hot here in Brazil this week). And then my dad video calls me. That's weird, my dad never calls me, it's always my mom, but I accepted it.

Dude, the second my mom saw that I was at the pool, her face immeadiatly closed and she asked what I thought I was doing. I explained to her that my aunt was the one to give the idea to call my friends, and she continued to be mad at me. I really don't know why she was mad. Did she think we were having a crazy sex night at the pool? Did she think that I had organized a rave at my aunt's house while she was away? I didn't do any of these stuff. We only had a barbecue and swimmed. Only. Oh, we watched movies too. But that's all. The only boy present in all the situation was my cousin, and that means nothing because I live with him.

Anyway, as we were hanging out the call, my dad says to me to don't do any shit, and I jokily ask "don't you guys trust me?". He answered "no". And hung out. Yeah, that's really fucked up.

See, I don't think I ever did anything to deserve that lack of trust in me. In 20 years of my life, I barely went out of home, I never got home drunk or high, always told my parents where I was going and who were with me, they know all of my friends. Even so, they still don't trust me, and I can't figure out why. I'm 20 years old and they still treat me as if I was 10 and didn't know anything about life and how to take care of myself at all.

Man, they freaked out with me having a night alone, without any "responsible adults" nearby. Imagine when I live by myself? I'm planning to move out next year, if I get into college, and live with my friends and my cats. I think that's capable of giving my mom a heart attack.

Anyway, I'll talk about this with my psychologist later on today. I hope she helps me to not feel anxious every time I talk to my mom. And that I can figure out why the fuck I don't want to come home for summer vacations. Mom wants me to spend january with her, dad and my brother, but, honestly, I feel no will to come back home. It just seem so suffocating! I don't want to go home because that means I'll have the slightly chance to meet my ex without wanting to. And that would be the worst nightmare ever.

Someday I'll tell the story about why he broke up with me. Not today. I have another important things to write about today.

One of those is that I'm under the doubt of having or not Borderline. When I went to the psychiarist, she gave me emotional control pills to take, and I have been taking them since then. She also asked if there was people with bipolarity in my family, and my aunt said that yes, there is, my other aunt and her daughter are also under this doubt. Since this, I couldn't stop thinking and researching about borderline, and it's scary how much I identify with all of the symptoms. All of them.

Also, that would explain a LOT of things in my life. For example, my whole relationship with Mileto, my ex-webgirlfriend. Yes, I webdated when I was 15, you're free to judge me.

Me and her had a relationship that worked based on cycles. There were days where we would be so in love, feeling that nothing would ever end us, imagining a future where we would happily live together with a lot of children and animals in our big house. And, then, the next day we would be fighting so hard that anything would seem to work at all.

Talking to her about it last week, we came to the conclusion that the cycles were there to satisfy both her autism and my possible borderline. By living in a cycle, she would feel safe and confortable, because she would know exactly what's about to happen next, without any scary possibilities that she couln't predict. And I would gladly live in a scenario where I could win and lose interest on her without changing our relationship status.

Yep, that wasn't healthy at all, for neither of us. But we were young and knew little or almost nothing about ourselves, thinking and acting as if we knew everything. That only got us to hurt each other more and more, getting to the point where we broke up definitively, and live happier than ever as friends. She got a girlfriend now, and they're so happy and in love! I'm glad and proud of her, truly. No jealous, just good feelings towards her.

I think that's what love truly is, after all. Being happy about someone, even though you're not the one who got them to feel good.

That leads us to another important point that's been going round and round my head these days: Pablo. He's a boy I met on Tinder when I came to live with my aunt in another state. I downloaded this app because my friends told me so, hoping I would feel a little bit better about my life if I knew new people. They said it would distract my head from thinking about my ex-boyfriend.

Well, it didn't worked 100%, but it actually helped a little.

I started going out with this guy I met there, Pablo, almost two months ago. I think it was 2 weeks after Xande broke up with me. Blame me whatever you want, but I was so desperate to feel a little bit better that I would do actually anything to feel something that wasn't complete sadness and willing to die.

We had sex a couple times, and, in my head, I was certain that it was only this: sex. Hell, how I was wrong.

Maybe I'm feeling things about him, and I'm so fucking scared. The last time I gave all of myself to someone, he threw my heart into the ground and kicked it until it was bleeding. And I'm still recovering from all the wounds he gave me. I had this conversation with Pablo a lot of times, and I honestly think he feels the same, but both of us aren't ready for a serious relationship right now. Specialty me. Seriously, I know that I'll get emotional dependence in anyone that I decide to get romantic with. And I can't do this again. Not now.

I don't think I can survive another heartbreak right now. I still think about Alexandre more than I should, more than it's healthy to think about someone who fucking hurt you until you seriously thought about death, because anything could be possibily worse than what you were feeling at that moment.

That's why I'm so scared. I don't trust anyone with my heart anymore. I can't trust. If I do it, there's a big chance of my heart coming back more injured than it was before, and that I can't handle. I need to recover this first.

Anyway, me and Pablo had the most romantic date I ever had this saturday. We spent the whole day together with my friends and cousin, then I watched him playing football (he's a goalkeeper), and then we went to a hidden spot in the city, where we layed down and watched the stars in the sky, talking about everything. It was so simple, but also so fucking meanable to both of us. It really seemed like I was living inside a romance book or fanfiction.

Alexandre said that life wasn't a book, so I didn't need to be so dramatic at all the times. Well, I think I can romanticize life a little bit now, it wouldn't hurt anyone.

[insectduck]

Can we talk about how middle school/high school staff always encourage students to reach out to school counselors "if you ever need help" but then when you actually need help the only fucking thing they're good for is being trigger happy with a psych ward visit or are we not ready to talk about that yet

[lunarsapphism]

there really is something so devastating about having a parent that has a literal degree in psychology (specialized in child psychology) who worked as a birth to three child developmental resources coordinator for like fourteen years and knowing that because of those things, they will never believe you when you think you have something because they think they know more than you and also know you better than you know yourself. and in any scenario the only way they will EVER agree with you is if they came up with the idea of the diagnosis first. wild shit honestly

[blujayonthewing]

the gulf of the vibes difference between 'you are too nice to be mean, I can't even picture that' and 'you are just simply too smol sweet baby bean and the mental image of you ""being mean"" is frankly hilarious to me'

[monstrsball]

thinking about "no more worry, i killed it with both hands" again... i NEED to do that

[noxtivagus]

guys i've been improving a lot lately i'm happy w myself

[alienateddotmp3]

Maybe this sounds petty but I've stayed silent long enough

I hate when folx get on the internet and they make their whole personality/page/cash cow "being an introvert" like. ENOUGHHHHHHHHH. thousands of videos!! Is enough!!!!!

Introversion isn't even a real thing you have social anxiety, you're describing social anxiety ENOUGH

Your not an introvert your not an INTJLMNOP or whatever, and the position the stars where in when you were born doesn't make parties with a lot of noise and a lot of people feel like a torture chamber.

You need a sensory wall and some headphones not a platform 🙄🙄🙄

[ajxrn-archive]

the way i can be myself online and not irl is funny at this point.