#dean being like “what so you just.... let your brother die and were normal about it?”

[koraesrambles]

More Winchester vs Batfam thoughts

Dick and Dean bonding over being inhumanly beautiful people who were sexualized from an early age and using their sexual nature as a shield.

Sam and Jason bonding over feeling like they'll never be as good as their big brothers.

Sam and Jason bonding over love of literature.

Dean and Jason being total nerds about guns and Jason feeling so vindicated about his gun stance.

Dick talking to Sam about how everyone deserves a chance to reform and that resonating with Sam in a way that frightens him.

The four of them bonding over a super overprotective parent that also was cool with them being child soldiers.

All four of them bonding over living nomadically (or homelessly) in their younger years, and rheir various experiences with poverty (Sam and Dean totally make fun of the other two for becoming rich boys.)

Endless hours of morality debates that absolutely end up with someone with a broken nose.

Giving each other lock picking tips

Dick and Sam bonding over being The Smart Kids that then get shown up by a computer super genius (Tim and Charlie)

Winchesters making fun of the bat boys for being citykids, batboys mocking the Winchesters for being small town hicks.

All of them bonding over their love of cool cars (Sam acts like he doesn't care, but 100% has Opinions.)

Sam and Jason bonding over college dreams

Sam and Dick bond over being mathletes (nerds!)

Dick and Dean bond over thinking school overall was a waste of time.

Dick and Dean bond over having to take care of their dads when they were young.

Dick and Sam bonding over their desperate desire to be good but also harboring a lot of deep anger.

Jason and Dean not used to having to compete for being the funniest person in the room.

Jason and Dean bonding over their desire to protect young kids.

Dick and Dean commiserate in being the older, but shorter, brothers.

The four of them trying to compete in a trivia game. It does not go well. No one has a good time.

Dean: wait, so you two aren't real brothers?

Jason: I will shoot you in the face.

Dean: that's not what I meant!

[arwenadreamer]

Why I love the SPN finale so much

There are exactly 4 possible ways the show could have ended for our boys.

a) Both Sam and Dean live

b) Both Winchesters die together

c) Sam dies

d) Dean dies

So why do I think d) was the best possible outcome? Lets have a look at the different scenarios.

a) Both Sam and Dean live

While it would have been nice, I dont think it would have really concluded the show. "There will be peace when you are done." Well, on earth they would never have been truly done. There would always have been another horror lurking just around the corner, even if it was just a Monster of the Week. To find true peace, I think the boys had to enter heaven. And we actually had a bit of the they were done and lived happily on earth scenario in that domestic life openening of the finale. For the boys to live would just have meant more of the same, seasoned with hurts and horrors and a sprinkle of pain on top.

b) Both Winchesters die together

I wouldn't have minded that. It sure would have made for a tragic ending. In fact, that was what I kind of was hoping for, at least I imagined that this would be how the finale would go. Both boys going down swinging, blaze of glory style, preferably dying hand in hand, saying something like "Good night Sammy" or "See you on the other side, Dean". But in retrospect I see that this would have robbed us of their 7 Minute good bye scene. Of all the things Dean needed to say to Sam because he was saying good bye for quite a while. Of Sam being devastated and breaking down with his dead brother in his arms. There would have been no need for love confessions and "I must have stood outside your dorm for hours" and "When it came down to it it has always been you ... and me". Because they just could have picked up their normal conversation on the other side.

c) Sam dies

Dean would have comitted suicide right after burning Sams corpse. Jensen said so, and regarding Deans feelings and intentions, Jensens words are as good as canon to me.

I wouldnt have minded the tragedy of that, but in that case it really would have had an undertone of suicide ideation, which enough people scream about Dean's death as it is. (And which it really, really wasnt!)

c) Dean dies

Did I cry my eyes out? Yes. But the show I love is a drama show. Otherwise I`d choose a feelgood comedy show.

I wouldnt have minded for Sam to follow Dean soon after, to be honest. Maybe by being extra careless on hunts. But in keeping fighting, living through the grieve and pain day by day and coming out strong enough on the other side to actually have a kid and give him a stable, loving home, the message of the finale was actually so powerful. Opposite of glorifying suicide, it said "hold on, stay strong, there is a light at the end of all this trauma and horror and darkness you currently walk through".

The best part about the finale is, though, that it did not end there. Supernatural DID. NOT. END. WITH. DEAN'S. DEATH!!!

SUPERNATURAL ENDED ON A BRIDGE!!!!

I would have hated it, if the end of the show would have been the brothers seperated. But they weren`t. The show literally ended with the boys arm in arm, looking out over a peaceful valley in a heaven better than the one they knew from before.

There was peace and they were done. Together.

[queen-of-deans-booty]

Deadly Proposal: Final Part (?)

Pairing: Vampire!Dean Winchester x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~4.1k

Warnings: reflections of trafficked girls but instead of for sex it's for blood, angst

Summary: Tension comes to a head as Dean makes a plan to rescue you. He is faced with someone he thought stayed in his past, and you finally have what it takes to take control of your own life again.

Deadly Proposal Masterlist

Square Filled: human shield for @badthingshappenbingo

Author’s Note: i know i ended this on a sort of cliffhanger but this is where the series ends for right now. if you want to see more, let me know and i'll start to plan some more!

x

If this continues, you’re going to be dead before the sun rises. A woman had come in every ten minutes to take the pint of blood only to replace it with an empty bag. She never looked at you but you know it’s one of Richard’s girls because she had bite marks all over her body. She has come in three times which means you’ve given three pints of blood. Two more and you’ll pass out and likely die. You have to get out of here. You have to get back to Dean.

This time, the woman doesn’t come back but Richard does. He looks even younger and healthier than last time, and you know he took a few sips of your blood. He walks over to you and checks the progress you’re making with the new bag.

“You’re doing this wrong,” you mumble.

“Your blood will sell for top dollar in the black market once vampires know what it does. Tell me, how should I be doing this?”

You have to talk slowly and in deep breaths so you can only get a few words out at a time. You try to find whatever strength that’s inside of yourself to finish speaking because this is the only way you know you’ll get out of this alive.

“If you kill me now, you’ll maybe have ten pints of blood. That’ll last you, what, a few years if you’re smart? I’m human. Treat me right and I’ll live to maybe ninety years old. Keep me alive, and you’ll have ninety years to siphon my blood for your selfish reasons. Think about it.”

Richard growls with his fangs out and practically yanks the IV needle out of your arm. He knows you’re right. He can be very rich if he keeps you healthy. He’s not the boss of you, unfortunately, so until he gets word from his boss on what to do with you, you’ll stay in this delirious state.

“Try and escape and I’ll kill you.”

“Death is better than being here,” you mumble.

He’s not worried you’ll go anywhere. You can barely open your eyes much less do anything else. Richard takes the half-empty pint bag and leaves the room, and you look out the window that isn’t boarded up. I wish Dean was here.��You were only pissed with him because you were hurt. You were hurt because you’re in love with him and didn’t want someone you love to lie to you like that. You fell for him over the course of blood bonding and normal bonding with him. He was there for you when your parents died, he was there for you with Amber, and he saved you from Richard once. If he can do it once, he can do it again.

You know he’ll find you, it’s only a matter of time. You have to stay alive until then.

It feels like hours when the bedroom door opens but Richard isn’t alone. A taller man is with him, and you blink rapidly to get your vision to focus. The stranger is very tall, has long silky hair, and is very muscular. He walks over to you while Richard stays by the room, and the man grabs your chin not-so-gently. He stares into your eyes and chuckles as if you told him a funny joke.

“I can see why my brother is so smitten with you. You look just like her.”

It takes longer to process his words but it finally clicks into place about who this man is.

“You’re Dean’s brother? I thought you died.”

He lets go of your chin and stands to his full height.

“Glad to know Big Brother is still talking about me. I did die but I came back ten times stronger and better than he ever will be.” He turns and walks to Richard who looks fearful of Sam. “Get her some food and water. Let her rest. No harm shall come to her. No vampire will feed from her. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“If I find out she’s been harmed, I will do untold damage to you.”

Both Richard and Sam leave, and you chuckle tiredly. He really shouldn’t have said that in front of you. That’s your way out once you get enough strength. Don’t worry, Dean, I’m coming to you.

Dean gathered everyone he knew at his mansion to go over some kind of plan to get you back. Now that he knows his brother is involved, it changes things. He doesn’t think Sam would forgive him for what he did to him centuries ago, and he looks down in shame. Castiel, Amara, Rowena, Charlie, Donna, Garth, and Jody are gathered in his office where there are all sorts of intel on Sam, Richard, and Amber.

“Alright, from now on, everyone is dedicating their time and energy to this. I need eyes and ears everywhere looking for Sam. I know my brother. I might not be able to track Richard or Amber, but I can track my brother. He doesn’t know we know he’s alive. Let’s keep it that way.”

“Garth and I are looking for online activity going back a few centuries. Hopefully, it’ll tell us where he’s been or where he might have gone,” Charlie says.

“Widen your search. You need to go back as far as seven hundred years.”

“We’ll try,” Charlie nods.

“Amara, take Donna and Jody with you into town. You three know the trade. Do what you do best.” All three women leave and Dean looks at Rowena. “Talk to the girls who are willing and see if they recognize Sam’s name. Cas go with her.” Both of them leave. “The rest of us are going to help me. We’ll split into groups and hit the houses we’ve already hit. Excuse me.”

Dean leaves the room and takes out his phone. He hesitates but calls someone he never thought he’d hear from again. He didn’t want to call him but there are only two possibilities for Sam being alive this long. There is no way he’s a werewolf because they don’t live nearly half as long as vampires do. He isn’t a vampire because he’d heard about him at some point in the last seven hundred years. No, there is only one thing he can be and it’s much worse than a vampire.

“Do my ears deceive me or is the great Dean Winchester calling me?”

“Crowley,” Dean growls. “Where is Sam?”

“Nice to hear your voice, too.”

“I’m not playing, Crowley. Where is my brother? Surely, you have him after all this time.”

“Please,” Crowley scoffs, “I got rid of Sam a long time ago. He was becoming a bit of a problem so I had to cut him loose. He hasn’t been my problem for a few centuries at least.”

“Where did he go?”

“Oh, I don’t know. He could be anywhere.”

“Crowley--”

“Don’t get your knickers in a twist. Last I heard, Sam had such a fascination with the Dark Web. He’d love to go there for women.”

“Thanks.” Dean doesn’t wait for him to answer and hangs up on him. He walks back into his office and looks at the best hackers. “Change of plans. Can you get into the Dark Web?”

“Yes,” Charlie nods.

“Sam has a fetish for women being sold on there. See if you can’t track him that way.”

“You got it.”

Dean sits down at his desk and clenches his fist angrily. He shouldn’t have let you leave. He doesn’t want your fight to be the last thing you know. You might be dead but then he’s going to make sure no one gets out of it alive. If he has to, he’ll kill his brother a second time.

After some food, water, and rest, you’re feeling much better. You’re still not one hundred percent but you’re well enough to try and get out of here. They haven’t taken blood since Sam left and you suspect they’re waiting for you to get all of your energy back before taking more. The bedroom door opens and Richard comes in with a tray full of needles and an empty pint bag. If you have any chance of escaping, you need to know what lies outside of this room.

“I have to go to the bathroom.”

“No.”

“Okay, I’ll pee and shit in this room and get an infection from it and die. Is that what you want?” you snap.

If Richard could cut glass with his glare, you’d surely be dead. He unties you from the bed and opens the bedroom door without saying a word. You pretend to be weaker than you feel just to let his guard down so it takes you longer than normal to walk out of the bedroom. Richard guides you to where the bathroom is. You pass by another room with the door open and you make the mistake of looking in.

A clothed vampire is sitting on the bed with a naked woman straddling him. He has his fangs in her neck but she looks like she’s in pain. A tear slips from her eyes and you have to stop yourself from breaking down into tears yourself. When Dean bit you, it felt so good like orgasm-level good. Maybe that’s because you and Dean had feelings for each other. Here, he’s taking that from her and not giving anything in return.

You look away from them and enter the bathroom. Richard keeps the door open but doesn’t come in, lessening any chance you have at trying to escape. You look around the bathroom for something that might help you and spot something gleaming in the corner on the counter. You lean closer and pretend you’re stretching. It’s a metal nail file with a pointed end that someone didn’t put away. You finish going to the bathroom and start to wash your hands.

Richard keeps his eyes on you the entire time but then someone grabs his attention from down the hall. As soon as his eyes are off you, you snatch the file and shove it into the waistband of your pajama shorts. Richard escorts you back to your room and into bed. Something must be on his mind because he doesn’t tie you down like he has before. He sticks a needle into your arm to get another pint or two out of you, but he doesn’t stick around while the blood is being taken.

The second he closes the door behind him, you yank the IV needle out of your arm. You get out of bed and approach the bedroom window that they hadn’t boarded up. These vampires must expect obedience otherwise all the windows would be boarded up. Not to mention they keep the girls high out of their minds so they wouldn’t escape anyway.

You take out the nail file and open the window only to be met by a mesh screen. You stick the nail file through it and start to drag it down. However, the nail file is small so it’s hard to get a good enough grip to pull down. Still, you’re not giving up. You’ll jump out this second-story window and risk breaking your legs than be a blood bag for these vampires.

The bedroom door opens and you turn swiftly to see Richard there with another empty pint bag. It takes a second to register that you’re trying to escape and when it does, his fangs come out and he growls lowly. He takes a single step toward you and you do the first thing that comes to mind.

“Take one more step and I’ll kill myself.” You put the sharp end of the nail file to your neck which is enough to make Richard freeze in his tracks. “This is how it’s going to go. You’re going to get me a phone so I can call Dean, and you’re going to tell me where we are or else I’ll slit my throat. I’ll bleed out very quickly, and even if you can get to me in time to heal me, I’ll turn. I’m assuming Sam won’t be happy with either option.”

The gears turn in Richard’s head before he smirks evilly. In the blink of an eye, he races out of the room and returns with one of the young women who are only wearing nude panties. She looks more aware of what’s going on than the other girls and the thought of him hurting her makes your entire body freeze up in fear. He pushes her hair out of the way and leans down so his fangs only graze her skin. She flinches from the touch and your heart cracks slightly.

“Kill yourself and I think I’ll have a tasty snack to the point where I rip her head off. Imagine that, her not getting to go back to her family. Once I’m done with her, I’ll do the same to every single girl here. I’ll turn you only for you to live your life in guilt because you forced my hand. You don’t want that, do you?”

Once again, a vampire proves to you that you mean nothing. There is nothing you can do. You’re not in a position of power. Yet again, you’re walked over like some weak girl. You lower the nail file in shame, and he whispers into the girl’s ear. She immediately leaves the room as Richard walks over to you.

“You’re nothing compared to me. You have no power here. If you thought you could leave, you’re never going to now.”

You want to cry but you think that’ll only feed his ego. Wherever you are Dean, please find me. Charlie and Garth have been working hard scouring the Dark Web for activity that seems like someone buying young women for vampires. Charlie writes something down on a pad before getting up and approaching Dean’s desk.

“You got something?”

“Maybe. There’s an anonymous user buying women in bulk.”

“Find out who owns the account.”

“Already on it,” Garth says. “There isn’t a picture attached to the profile but the name is Sam.”

“Of course, it is. He’s not subtle. Where is he?”

“This is where his IP address is coming from.”

Garth hands a printout to Charlie who hands it to Dean. It’s a printout of the land like what Google Maps provides and Dean recognizes some of the buildings marked around the area. He takes out the photo that Amanda drew and sees the similarities.

“We got him. Call everyone in.” Charlie does what she’s told and soon, everyone is gathered back in his office. “We know where he is and if I know my brother, he won’t stay there for long. We can’t just go barging in or he might kill her to spite me.”

“You know I used to run in that crowd. I can distract,” Amara offers.

“Jody and I can go in and get the girls,” Donna says.

“Castiel and I will be waiting with the van,” Rowena says.

“Garth and I will hack into the cameras and shut them down, or at least make it so they can’t see when you’re coming.”

That means Dean is going in alone. That doesn’t matter. All that matters is you. He won’t let anything happen to you--anything more.

“I need everyone to know the risks. There’s a good possibility that if Sam catches you, you will die. I understand if anyone wants to back out.”

“Come on, this is for your pretty flower,” Amara smirks. “We’ll get her back.”

“Anyone else?” No one says a word. “Then let’s go.”

Charlie and Garth hack into the cameras to shut them down, giving Dean exactly ten minutes to get in, get you, and get out. Dean won’t need that long. Cas and Rowena show up and stay hidden in the shadows with the van, Amara approaches the front door, and Dean, Jody, and Donna approach the back. Dean strains his ears and waits for Amara to do her thing before sneaking inside. Amara knocks and one of Richard’s vampires answers the door.

“Amara, what are you doing here?”

“Hey, Darren. How’s it going?”

“Why are you here?” he asks, on alert.

“What? I can’t visit an old friend?”

“I haven’t been your friend since--”

She cuts him off from thinking about Dean because then this whole thing will crumble to pieces before Dean can get to you.

“I’ve been alive for a long time, Darren. I remember when we used to wine and dine, bathe in blood. I miss those days.”

“Yeah, we had good times,” Darren chuckles and leans against the door frame.

Dean takes this as a sign to move on. Donna and Jody separate from Dean and slip into the main living room where the girls are. Dean doesn’t even see what he’s doing, he’s so pissed. Vampire after vampire until he gets upstairs where Richard is. He walks out of one of the bedrooms and freezes when he sees Dean at the other end of the hallway with blood splattered all over his face and clothes.

“Dean--”

“Where is she?”

“I--I--”

“Don’t make me ask again,” Dean growls.

Dean strains his ears so he can hear your slow breathing and he smells your sweet blood. His fangs come out and look at Richard who looks like he is going to piss his pants. Dean uses his vampire speed and runs over to Richard who barely registers what’s happening. Richard might be old but Dean is older and deadlier. Dean normally doesn’t do this but he wants to make it hurt as much as possible. He bites into Richard’s neck and uses his strength behind his bite to rip his head clean off.

Dean opens the bedroom Richard just came out of and sees you in bed hooked up to a machine that is pumping out your blood. He runs over to you and gently takes the IV needle out of your arm. You moan tiredly and open your eyes to see familiar green ones.

“Dean, you’re here,” you smile.

“I’m right here, sweetheart. You’re going to be okay.”

Dean slides his arms under your knees and behind your back, but he freezes when he smells someone enter the room.

“You’re so predictable.” Dean lets you go and turns to his brother who has a smirk on his face. “I mean, come on, you have to know I wasn’t going to let her be alone.”

“Sam, don’t make this any worse than it has to be.”

Sam looks at the door but doesn’t move toward it. He chuckles and shakes his head before looking at his brother.

“Do you think I’m stupid? I know you’ve got your team rescuing those girls and killing those vampires.” He looks behind Dean over to you. “If I knew she was like Annabeth, I’d have taken her a long time ago.”

“Why are you doing this? What the hell happened to you?”

“You mean after you killed me? He’s not so innocent, Y/N. I was lying dead on the floor with my throat ripped out when someone found me. You know what they did instead of letting me die like I wanted? They blew smoke up my ass and turned me into a demon.”

“Crowley found you,” Dean poses it as a statement.

“Yeah, but I know my worth. I stopped letting Crowley boss me around a long time ago. I don’t take orders from anyone anymore. Y/N has blood that is very rare and very important so if you think I’m letting you out of here with her, you’ve got another coming,” Sam glares.

Dean stands up to his full height even though it doesn’t compare to how tall Sam is.

“You’ll have to go through me to do it.”

In the blink of an eye, both brothers rush at each other. You watch them fight to kill, not caring if the other dies. You have to do something or else Dean might die. All your life, you’ve let everyone walk all over you. It started with your sister and it’s going to end with Sam. You’re in control of your own life even if it means you’re ending it. You grab the IV needle before it can fall off the bed, and you don’t think twice when you stab it into the side of your neck. Sam and Dean don’t notice you at first until both of them smell your sickly sweet blood. They pause to see you convulsing on the bed with blood squirting out of the side of your neck.

“Y/N!” Dean yells.

Everything goes black shortly after.

You open your eyes and first notice how unbelievably bright the sun is. You squint and move your hand up to block some of the light. Dean’s window faces the west which means he gets the sunset every day. You’ve seen this beam of light before but it’s never been this bright. Dean stands by the window with a drink in his hands. He’s looking out of the window silently.

“Dean?”

Whoa, you’ve never heard your voice like this before. It’s so much louder and more clear than before. Dean steps away from the window, approaches the bed, and holds out the glass that has some kind of red liquid in it.

“Here, drink this. You’re going to need it.”

“What is it?” you ask but take it anyway.

“Blood.”

You pause before looking at him.

“Am I a vampire?” He doesn’t say anything so you sit up in bed and trace the rim with your finger. “I’m not mad. What happened?”

“Drink.” The blood tastes metallically but bitter. You pull the glass away and lick your lips until the red color disappears. “After I unhooked you, Sam came in. We fought and you took your IV needle and stabbed yourself in the neck. It was unfortunate that you hit your carotid. You were going to bleed out if I didn’t do anything. I gave you some of my blood to heal you knowing it would turn you. You would have died if I waited for a younger vampire to do it.” You take another sip and suddenly feel the hunger for it, the hunger that is like nothing you’ve ever experienced. You down every last drop. “I tried so hard to keep you from all this.”

“It’s okay,” you sigh and hand him the empty glass. “I mean it this time.”

“I am so sorry for keeping this from you. I never meant for this to happen.”

“I’m sorry for overreacting.”

“You didn’t. I’m sorry for turning you.”

“Do you want to know why I did what I did?” He nods. “Control over my own life. All everyone has been doing is telling me what to do and how to feel. They’ve been pushing me around. Amber did it, you did it, Richard did it. I figured if I was going to die anyway, may as well die on my own terms.” Dean is quiet. “Did those girls get out?”

“Yeah, Cas and Rowena took care of it.”

“What about Sam?”

“He fled when I went to help you. I think he was scared I might have killed him so he ran. I don’t know where he is or when he’s going to strike next.”

“When? My blood is useless, right?”

“I don’t know, honestly. Fairies have always been such magical creatures. Pair that with dragon blood and vampire blood… I don’t know what that does to your blood.” Dean reaches out and tucks a stray hair back into place. “I was worried about you. You left.”

“I did. I needed space to think. Despite everything that’s happened, I don’t think I can stay away from you. You make me feel alive,” you whisper.

“I need you to know that you are not Annabeth.”

“I know that now.” Dean leans in and kisses you. A vampire has heightened senses so kissing Dean as one makes the fireworks more intense. “If you thought you’d be rid of me in forty years, think again. I’m going to be around for a long time.”

“Good,” he grins.

He leans in and kisses you again, not afraid anymore.

I need you to know that you are not Annabeth. That’s what Dean said to you. If only he knew just how wrong he is. Annabeth stands outside Dean’s mansion that she’s spent so much time in with a smirk. She runs her tongue over her fangs in thought. If you have any hope of surviving in this new world, you’re going to need her.

Not now. She’ll let you have this moment with Dean. She turns away from the mansion and slips back into the shadows.

x

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[my-supernatural-rewatch]

Episode One: Pilot

Dean Winchester in the pilot episode of Supernatural

So I'm most likely not going to get too deep into the weeds with the episode plots unless it's really important to what I'm writing about. But I'll give a synopsis if for no other reason than to remind myself.

After John Winchester witnesses his wife die in a supernatural event, he raises his infant son Sam and four-year-old son Dean in a life training like “warriors” to fight off the things that go bump in the night, hoping to find the entity that killed his wife in the process. Despite Sam's attempt to lead a normal life in college, he is drawn back into the supernatural world when Dean arrives to inform him that their father is missing. Following cryptic clues left in a disturbing voicemail from their father, the brothers journey to a small town where they confront a vengeful spirit known as the "Woman in White.”

From the get-go, Dean is already put-upon. We do get to see John be a soft dad for a moment when he walks into the bedroom, smiles at Dean and lets him jump into his arms, asking him if he thinks Sam is ready to start tossing around a football. Then things go dark and by the time John is on the floor staring at Mary burning into the ceiling, the softness is pretty much gone. To his credit, he stops freaking out about Mary long enough to grab the baby as Dean enters the bedroom...and then it starts.

After basically throwing the six-month-old at the four-year-old, John barks:

"Take your brother outside as fast as you can and don't look back! Now, Dean, go!"

And Dean's lifetime of obligation to Sam's well-being begins with him reassuring the baby, "It's okay, Sammy."

(It will always irritate me that John, seeing Mary on the fucking CEILING burning up, didn't just grab both kids and run. What did he think he was going to do in those moments?)

To John's credit, he does end up hauling ass out of the house in time to grab Dean who runs out of the house and then, as a four-year-old would, just kind of stands there waiting for the house to explode on him and his brother.

The last time we see John in this episode, he's huddled with his sons watching his house burn down with a look on his face that relays he is not the same man we were introduced to earlier.

(Jeffrey Dean Morgan does a great job of conveying how John changed without all that much screen time or dialogue in this episode.)

And now here we are 22 years later and Sam is all grown up with a sexy and supportive girlfriend and ready to embark on his life in law school, probably on a free ride no less, because he aced the LSAT's and is such a smarty pants.

But, alas, here comes trouble. The reason all the Sam girls blame Sam's life turning out the way it did: big brother Dean.

There are a few things in the episode that they kind of hammer over your head, and the main one is what Dean's personality is supposed to be. He's established from the beginning as comedic relief. A bit of a wild card, and a bit of a lech. (I mean he practically drools while looking at Jessica, his brother's live-in girlfriend, while she's in her pajamas and basically hits on her right in front of Sam.)

The first thing he does is tell Sam he was looking for a beer. (Establishing his drinking habit.)

Which, now I'm going to digress for a moment. On two different occasions in this episode, Sam makes snide remarks about John drinking. Once to Dean when he says John is probably on the "Miller Time shift" and the other when he tells Jessica that John is probably in his cabin "with Jim, Jack, and Jose."

In the very first episode they establish John has a drinking problem. Do they ever pick back up on this? Guess I'm going to find out.

One other thing about Sam, while he and Dean are leaving the apartment to talk in private, they are talking, and Sam gets all the pertinent lines to let the viewers know what happened between us seeing John with the boys and Dean showing up at Sam's placel

This exposition is almost comical in its obviousness.

SAM: I swore I was done hunting. For good.

DEAN: Come on. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't that bad.

SAM: Yeah? When I told Dad I was scared of the thing in my closet, he gave me a forty-five.

DEAN: Well, what was he supposed to do?

SAM: I was nine years old! He was supposed to say, don't be afraid of the dark.

DEAN: Don't be afraid of the dark? Are you kidding me? Of course you should be afraid of the dark. You know what's out there.

SAM: Yeah, I know, but still. The way we grew up, after Mom was killed, and Dad's obsession to find the thing that killed her. But we still haven't found the damn thing. So we kill everything we can find.

DEAN: We save a lot of people doing it, too.

Listen, I get we need exposition but jeez this is... a lot.

Anyway, back to Dean.

We get the first reference to living an apple pie life from him, directed at Sam with as much disdain as he can muster. But then soon after, while still trying to convince Sam to go with him to find John, he reminds his brother that he has essentially left him alone for the last two years by saying:

"You know, in almost two years I've never bothered you, never asked you for a thing."

He left Sam alone because he wanted him to have that life. He wanted Sam to have a girlfriend, and an education, and a good job that didn't involve monsters. And you can't convince me differently.

That sincerity is what convinces Sam to go with Dean...it reinforced what he said to Sam earlier when Sam told him he could do it on his own. He looked down sheepishly and admitted:

"Yeah, well, I don't want to."

Many look at this as Dean already triggering codependency with Sam but I look at it as someone who spent the majority of their life taking care of their little brother and then making the difficult decision to let him go for those two years. Now the only family he had around him is missing and he wants his brother to help find him because, sure, he can do it on his own, but he wants family around him. Dean has always wanted family around him.

This is where I mention that there might be references to wincest in some of these posts. I personally do not see wincest in any of these episodes but there are some where fandom lore might come into play. I'm not planning on it, but it could happen.

And now:

Another Dean trait that is established in the pilot is his love for junkfood. Sam of course shows his usual disdain but, think about it, it makes perfect sense. Sam has just spent the last four years at Stanford with a goddamn meal plan while Dean is living out of motels and the Impala (not yet christened "Baby"). Of COURSE Dean is going to be living off of crap.

Sam's scorn for Dean scamming credit cards and listening to classic rock on cassette sets us up for 15 seasons of him judging Dean for both doing what he has to in order to survive and just enjoying things. For fuck's sake, the two songs in this episode are Back in Black and Highway to Hell. It was AC/DC. It's not like Dean was listening to ABBA and The Bay City Rollers.*

Sam is a judgy jackass from the very beginning and that is one thing that absolutely didn't change over time.

Sam's belief that he's superior to Dean is also reflected in the library when it is Dean initially doing the internet search and Sam forcefully takes over. I'm reminded watching this that the very first time I watched the pilot, I did so with three other women and we all decided early on if we were Sam or Dean girl's and three of us chose Dean. Sam being a consistent dildo to Dean in this episode was one of the reasons I chose Dean.

*I do not pop music shame and we find out later in the series that neither does Dean.

In the first scene on the bridge, long before he gets arrested, Dean shows a disdain for the cops and the FEDS that Sam obviously doesn't share. It's always been interesting to me how this changed over time most likely because Dean realized a lot of the time the cops could be more helpful than hurtful. I'll have to keep an eye on that too.

Another aspect of Dean's personality they establish in this episode that sticks with him for the duration of the series is his genuine desire to hunt the monsters and save people. He is determined to keep digging to figure out what is happening to the men who are disappearing, even though the idea was to be looking for their father. Meanwhile, Sam just wants to go back to Stanford.

While they discuss Sam returning to school, it is Dean who points out how unhealthy it is for Sam to lie to Jessica about who he is. When Sam was leaving to go with Dean, we see he still kept weapons at school. Weapons Jessica obviously didn't know about even while living with him. Sam has been deceitful his entire time in Stanford, much like Dean has to be in order to be a hunter. But Sam is deceiving people he knows and cares about while Dean deceives strangers, yet Sam is the one who thinks he holds the higher ground.

And then Sam's shittiness really comes into play when he basically complains about avenging Mary's death by saying that if it wasn't for pictures he wouldn't even know what Mary looked like and that finding the thing that killed her wouldn't bring her back.

It's clear in this scene that he's saying these things specifically to upset Dean - and boy does it work. Dean practically throws Sam off the bridge.

But he doesn't. Instead, the Women in White chases them across the bridge using the Impala as her weapon. And to remind us that Dean is there for comic relief, Dean ends up in the drink covered in mud and guck while Sam doesn't fall into the water and is still squeaky clean.

I really hate how they tried to force Dean to be Daffy fucking Duck or something and I'm glad it didn't last for too long.

After getting out of the guck, Dean screams that the Woman in White is a BITCH and it's a reminder that as much as I love this show, and make no mistake, I do, the fucking misogyny early on is really prevalent and fucking annoying. (I omitted writing about Dean calling Sam a bitch after Sam calls him a jerk because the jerk/bitch thing pissed me off from the first time I heard it and I choose not to relive it or dwell on it.)

We get our first "No chick flick moments" when all Sam tried to do was apologize for saying shitty things about their parents. It didn't work for me only in that an apology isn't exactly a chick flick moment but upon reflecton at that point in Dean's life ( 26-years-old and always having lived under John's thumb) an apology absolutely would seem like that...definitely a sign of weakness to John Winchester.

Dean getting picked up by the cops and quipping that the one thing about him that isn't fake is his boobs actually made me laugh out loud. Sure it's a comic relief bit again, but it's also quintessential Dean Winchester and I loved it.

Randomly, I loved the look on Dean's face when he saw John's journal. Really conveyed that something must be wrong if it was there but John wasn't. It also didn't go unnoticed by me that when Sam drives the car into the Woman in White's house, Dean is less concerned with the status of the car and much more concerned with Sam being okay. (Once it is established that Sam is okay, Dean tells him he'd have to kill him if he hurt the car...but his initial response was to worry about Sam.)

I loved the poetry of baby Sam getting bled on while Mary is on the ceiling at the beginning of the episode and adult Sam getting bled on while Jessica is on the ceiling near the end of the episode.

But more poetic? Dean having to be the one to take his brother to safety 22 years after he did it the first time. He's always going to be responsible for Sam no matter what goes on between them. And while I know a lot of people love that about the show, I think it's tragic.

Some notes for posterity:

They didn't have to do anything elaborate to get rid of their first monster. Sam literally just had to drive her home.

Sam turns into John at the end of this episode. From sweet boyfriend to vengeful man. They tried for years to make us think it was Dean who was more like John, but Dean nails it in a future episode when he tells Sam it's him, not Dean.

The significant music from this episode comes from AC/DC: Back in Black and Highway to Hell. Both great picks if not a bit obvious, Mr. Kripke. (Also "Ramblin' Man" by The Allman Brothers Band at the gas station)

The brothers pose as Federal Marshals in this episode but don't give names. When they speak to the victim's girlfriend, they pretend to be his uncles and give her their real first names without last names. And when Dean gets arrested, he tells the cop, who ends up deducing that his name is actually Dean, that is name is Ted Nugent.

This is the first episode in which Dean gets arrested

This is also the first episode in which Dean makes a movie reference "We talkin', like, misdemeanor kind of trouble or, uh, squeal like a pig trouble?" (The film referenced is Deliverance)

And this is one of a handful of episodes where Sam drives the Impala without it being mentioned that it's odd for Sam to do so or that Dean doesn't want him to.

This hunt takes place in Jericho, California.

Dean grabs John's jacket from the abandoned motel room and wears it for the remainder of the episode.

We got a "Sam!" in this episode.

Recognizable Guest Stars in this episode: Steve Railsback and Sarah Shahi

[deansmom]

listen it’s 2021, nobody can yell at me for my Hot Takes on the w*nchester bros and specifically sam because none of you care about me anymore lmao

and no, I will not be responding to defenses of these things, I just want to yell about this because I can’t stop thinking about it now

I don’t think anything demon!dean said to sam was out of line, not really, because like yeah, it was mean whatever, but sam has said WAY crueler things to and about dean when he was just a normal human person. but dean gets crucified for being a demon and fully expressing himself and his trauma and his feelings? nah fuck that lmao

I’m up to s8 in my rewatch and it’s absolutely wild to me how sam STILL thinks he’s better than dean. not only does he still somehow think he’s smarter, but he also thinks he’s BETTER than dean. that dean’s like, a bad person or whatever - as if both of them aren’t mass murderers ffs

this mans really said “I don’t know if my brother is alive or dead...... hm sucks for him I guess lol.” like yeah, sure, trauma, whatever. everybody handles and processes trauma differently, I know, but seriously sam??? sure, take a couple months if you need it, but just - no effort? didn’t even try? didn’t even do a quick google search? 

just fucking ditched kevin, a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD KID, and then got mad at dean when dean was like “dude wtf is the matter with you this kid was our responsibility” 

fandom ALWAYS wants to talk about how dean’s the more toxic one but damn, dean gets one friend - his first friend who isn’t cas!!! - and sam’s like “lmao this dude has to die” LITERALLY ONLY BECAUSE DEAN KILLED AMY, WHO WAS KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE (for a good reason, sure, but like, she was still killing innocent people and benny’s out here just minding his own business, stealing AB- negative blood because they can get blood transfusions from any negative blood type!! his old ass wasn’t hurting anybody) and the episode before sam finds out about benny they let kate go be a werewolf and then when dean mentions that to sam about benny he’s like “so?! she was a victim!” and he’s like “and benny hasn’t done anything wrong!” and sam just doesn’t give a shit lmao

he ALWAYS bitches about how dean doesn’t trust him and I’m just sitting here like??? damn bro I WONDER FUCKING WHY. sam only takes responsibility for his actions when it’s convenient for him, generally when he’s being portrayed as the victim, and it!!!!!! [screams into a pillow]

dean’s like “he’s never given me a reason to doubt him” (about benny) and sam immediately goes “well it must be nice to find that” and dean takes a second to figure out what sam’s talking about and it’s just like WOW, didn’t fucking mean it like that, but yeah IT IS NICE SAM TO HAVE A FRIEND THAT THUS FAR HASN’T BETRAYED ME, IT’S A GOOD FEELING like tf is the matter with you dude come on

OH OH OH and when dean came back from hell in s4 sam’s going around like “dean’s weak he can’t handle it” but doesn’t try to help his brother?????? doesn’t offer him emotional support or validation or anything that you should offer someone who’s just been through something profoundly traumatic and is ~*~struggling~*~ to keep themselves afloat. 

listen dean certainly isn’t an unproblematic saint in this relationship specifically, but sam is SO MEAN??? ALL THE TIME??? and I know it’s because especially in the early seasons he associates dean with his dad and him and john never got along because they were too much alike, blah blah blah, whatever,  it’s still not cool to project your trauma onto other people and take it out on them. 

will I ever be over 9.13? no. no I will not, because that was the cruelest thing that could have maybe ever been said to dean, and yeah again, trauma, whatever, but like......... if you’ve been traumatized and your response is to purposefully emotionally devastate someone that you know 1) had no malicious intentions and 2) is emotionally unstable and perpetually suicidal, I’m allowed to hate you wtf??? 

sam knows NOTHING about his brother. 

like ok in the fic that I’ve been writing somebody was like “it’s very in character but edgier but dean didn’t hate john” and listen, I TRULY think that dean hated him in canon. yeah, even in s1. watch 2.01 again, watch the episode where john is possessed by azazel, the dream root episode, I think it’s 12.22 that speech with mary, but like, especially on my rewatch, I cannot read their relationship as anything other than at that point neither one of them liked each other. something happened in between sam leaving and dean coming to get him, and dean went searching for john out of obligation and an excuse to see sam. 

you can’t convince me that john liked dean. of course he loved him, a familial obligation was deeply ingrained in that man, but I don’t think he liked dean at all. I think dean reminded him of mary, I think he thought dean was too soft, and to be completely honest, I don’t think he liked that dean listened to him so easily. john wanted to be in charge, obviously, but he’s such an antagonistic fuck always looking for a fight with somebody, that it probably bothered him that dean didn’t really push back. john didn’t think he was assertive enough, dean just didn’t want to be used as a punching bag, and I’ve always figured there was some sort of blowout after sam left between the two of them and they didn’t really talk much after that. “it was the worst night of my life” is what dean called the night sam left for stanford, and while his little brother leaving would’ve been devastating, I don’t think that alone would qualify it (in season 5, mind you, after hell and the hellhounds and everything) as the worst night of his life. I also think that’s why john was such a POS in s1 when they found him, giving dean shit for the impala, y’know. god, I really fucking hate him lmao

nobody seems to agree with me on this, but sam is very much his father’s son, and that’s why they never got along. the two of them were so much alike (and so self-centered) that they couldn’t help but butt heads together because they both wanted to be the center of attention, and also just enjoy picking fights. and like, I think this is a big reason why dean has a harder time being honest with sam than sam has with being honest with dean. because dean sees john when he looks at sam, and sam just sees dean. and sam’s like “why don’t you talk to me dean” and dean probably just hears his dad making fun of him for being honest or talking about his feelings or yelling at him. 

familial/generational trauma genuinely makes it hard to interact in meaningful and productive ways, I get it, believe me I do, but sam is just so... cruel sometimes? and I think dean really worked his way through a solid portion of that trauma by the end of the show, and I don’t think sam ever really did.

Dean: All right, you want to be honest? If the situation were reversed and I was dying, you'd do the same thing.

SAM [very softly]: No, Dean. I wouldn't. Same circumstances...I wouldn't. I'm gonna get to bed.

see, when I say sam is cruel, this is the shit I’m talking about because that is a bald faced lie and sam knows it. he said it specifically to hurt dean. he didn’t mean it, and he fucking knows that, but he knows that it will devastate dean to hear that, so he says it. 

anyways, sam fights dirty all the time. it’s 2024 now and I have no notes for past me, she was right. 

[fratricideknight]

hello sweetie!! i wanted to ask you if you could give us your take on john winchester ? people have very different opinions on him and i’d love to hear yours.

hi!!! thanks so much for this ask. it took me a while to gather my thoughts, so there's a relatively long post ahead.

i think that people in fandom tend to go the route of woobifying a character until they can do no wrong in their eyes, or demonising a character until everything they do is wrong. this not only doesn't allow for nuanced takes, which should be possible to make for any well-written, complex character, but also leads to attempts to push blame onto characters instead of just... accepting that the circumstances themselves are shit.

maybe john and sam are similar after all, considering the way that neither of them are extended any due sympathy whatsoever by certain individuals. john, who knew nothing of the supernatural, on an otherwise normal night during which he fell peacefully asleep in front of the television, witnessed his wife be psychically pinned to the ceiling of his baby's nursery and explode in front of both him and his six-month-old. that's bound to change anyone. blaming john entirely for becoming incredibly paranoid over and controlling of his children, and not acknowledging the role of, i don't know, azazel? prince of hell? who engineered all of this?? is so ridiculous i can't even comprehend it. the circumstances are absolutely dreadful, and john wasn't left with much of a choice in the ways he could respond to it. not only would he most likely be driven partially insane by what he witnessed happen to his wife, he would also be led to worry about the safety of his children. killing azazel wasn't just about avenging mary, it was about extinguishing the threat that, for all john knew, could be out to kill his infant sons! what do you want him to do?? shrug it off and go on like nothing happened? cut his losses and get another mother for the boys?

as for how john specifically responded to this: he became a controlling douchebag, yeah. i have someone in my life who can be the same brand of peremptory dick as john, and there are times when i want nothing more than to punch john winchester in the face. it's one of the reasons i relate to sam so much. however, not once in my viewing of season 1 before i entered fandom spaces, did it occur to me that john might be an irredeemable monster and abuser. john trained his boys like soldiers rather than treating them like the children they were, but it's not like he did it for the hell of it. he thought they would literally die if they weren't prepared to fight off the supernatural threats which he was suddenly, in the worst possible way, made aware of. john was an ex-marine, which would of course influence how he would go about this. i'm not saying that john didn't do horrible things at times and that sam and dean's upbringing wasn't awful. he did, and it was. telling sam to not come back if he went to college, trying to punish him for having dreams of his own? making tween dean feel bad for not staying in a motel room 24/7 to take care of his younger brother? dick moves. the boys' childhood was claustrophobic, toxic, and miserable, and i do not blame either of them in the slightest for wanting to get out. however, it comes down to the matter of circumstance again: it's not like john did any of this for the hell of it! let me repeat myself: he thought. they were going. to be murdered. moving frequently probably wasn't just for the sake of cases, it might also have been because he was scared that they were being pursued by something.

as for some of the abuse claims that people make. ugh. please stop just making stuff up. if you want to take the idea that john was a monster and run with it, whatever. i don't care. but acting like that's actually canon? you're just shouldering your way into spaces where people who actually want to discuss canon can do so, and that's incredibly annoying. there is no canon evidence in the seasons which actually involved john as a character that he beat his children or was homophobic. they literally go out of their way in the episode 'Nightmare' to show that sam and dean know their childhood wasn't like max miller's. as some people have said, he doesn't need to have hit his kids for their childhood to have sucked; it was bad enough already! as for the homophobia claims. ughhhhhhhh. i feel like they come from a... specific sector of the fandom, who want to take any reprehensible trait of dean's and make it someone else's fault. like i said earlier, woobifying a character until they can do no wrong. "oh, dean can be a misogynistic and homophobic douchebag at times? clearly, this is all john's influence. oh, he treats sam badly at times? actually, sam is the one who abuses him!" i can somewhat get behind the idea of john expecting the boys to repress their emotions on some level; he was literally a marine in the vietnam war, and he raised his kids in the eighties and nineties. he expected them to put aside any issues they might have had about giving up an ordinary life and hunting azazel and just follow his orders. but the idea that he's some queerphobic monster who would beat dean upside the head for shedding a single tear is hilarious.

look at this fucking fruit. he never stops tearing up.

as a final point, let me just address that jdm is incredibly sexy. if you have a problem with me liking john, take it up with whichever higher power or force of nature made him so <3

[zmediaoutlet]

hi z!!! happy wincest wednesday, the holiest of days, amen etc. an anon yesterday turned me on to the song daylight by david kushner and these lyrics stuck out to me as very dean-coded: "telling myself it's the last time/can you spare any mercy you might find/if i'm down on my knees again?" my question for you is this: why is dean the one that jumps to mind whenever i see any lyrics or poetry about being on your knees? what is it that makes him fit so well with that kind of submission?

avaaaaaaaaaa happy wincest wednesday to you!

You have come to me on this holy day with the thing in spn that I think makes me totally bananas-craziest (aside from the whole sam-dean relationship, which obv is like the bananas foster of being bananas crazy): why oh why oh why oh why does Dean Winchester, ostensible tough guy and big brother and hunter extraordinaire, immediately crash to his knees given the slightest provocation -- not just in our fevered imaginations but also in actual fact. Like. What the fuck is that??

I think part of it naturally has to do with Jensen's affect, as we've discussed elsewhere, but also it's just...

There's this terrible inbuilt need in Dean. There's always something about him that's just -- begging. It's an interesting thing to pair with his essential cynicism. Maybe part of it is that he always had to be the one who was relied on: John's helpmeet, Sam's caretaker. Responsibility rides him from age 4 -- he has to be steady and strong and reliable and he's never ever ever allowed to put that down. He can't go play an arcade game for a few hours because if he does his little brother is almost killed. He can't be a normal kid who's good on the wrestling team because he has to be in the car, taking care of his family and his job. He can't have a girlfriend of any seriousness because she can't know who he is, because he has to be ready to go at a second's notice, because with great knowledge comes great responsibility and if you put that responsibility down, if you turn your face away from the life you've been saddled with, all the people who'd suffer or die that you could have saved are your fault.

No wonder he wants so badly for someone to take that responsibility off his hands.

One of my favorite things about Dean & responsibility is that he hates it but he literally can't get away from it. There is no version of Dean who could stop hunting. There's no version of Dean that could look at some thing in the paper and let it truly be someone else's problem. There's no version of Dean, and this is key, that could stop feeling responsible for Sam. On the worst days I think Dean wishes he could be rid of all these things (even Sam!), but the thing is that if he were rid of them he wouldn't be Dean Winchester, and also the burden of the responsibility is itself a form of love. He wouldn't be happy without it and so he has to find a way to love it -- he does like hunting, after all! He likes saving people! He gets joy out of doing the job well! He loves Sam, to the last atom, and truly would never choose to be parted from what loving Sam means!

But -- god. What a relief it would be. How much easier to just go down to his knees and have the burden removed. How simple and clean life could be if the self he'd built up to deal with all this responsibility could be cut out like so much rotten wood -- to serve without the misery of questioning or being forced to make decisions -- to look to someone else and say what do I do, or even better to not even have to ask and just be told. Mercy.

Luckily, Sam is merciful.

[violet-phoenix-nebula]

So, I realized the other day that there's some really good parallels between Dean's life and experiences growing up with John & his abuse, and the song that's my new obsession: Would've Could've Should've.

Let's look at some of this:

If I was some paint, did it splatter

On a promising grown man

And if I was a child, did it matter

If you got to wash your hands?

After Mary died, John had his sons relying on him, and all he wanted to do was go after what killed her. So he did anyway, with zero thought to how it would affect his sons. Particularly Dean, who was accustomed to a normal life. Was I a hindrance, an inconvenience to you? It didn't matter because I was a child, so no one cared if you just washed your hands of me and of the effect it would have on me.

I would've stayed on my knees

And I damn sure never would've danced with the devil

At nineteen, and the god's honest truth is that the pain was heaven

If John hadn't dragged them into it, into his vendetta, his obsession with revenge then Dean never would have grown up required to be a soldier, a killer, another weapon in John's arsenal. It was so fucked up that Dean grew up enjoying it, enjoying putting his life at risk to kill things other kids didn't even know existed, things that rightly scared the hell out of grown men. He was so fucking young and he was so warped and manipulated that he wanted it, he thought it was a good thing.

And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts

Memories feel like weapons

Now as an adult, he's still afraid of all the things John put in his head and taught him to hate. It's always there and even though John is dead he's still afraid of disappointing him, still afraid of just the memory of John.

And now that I know

I wish you'd left me wondering

Now as an adult, he's gained more insight, he's seen how he was used as a weapon, not loved and cared for like the child he was, and part of him kind of wishes he'd never been drug into it, left wondering about it all because the alternative, the life he's lived, has been so twisted.

If you never touched me I would've

Gone along with the righteous

If John had never drug them into it, even if he had just flat out left, up and vanished instead of dragging them down the same road, they would have gone along and lead normal lives, had normal relationships and not been driven to go down this dark, twisted road.

And if you never saved me from boredom

I could've gone on as I was

If he had never taken them on the road with him, if he had never taken them away from their boring, "apple pie life", they could gave gone on to be normal kids, Dean could have stayed a normal kid instead of a soldier, a weapon, a child, and a parent all at the same fucking time.

But, lord, you made me feel important

John made it seem so great, always sold it as they were special, doing all this to save other people's lives, made Dean think it was his responsibility, even as a kid, to "look out for your brother" and "saving people, hunting things".

And then you tried to erase us

Then, John raises them this way their entire childhoods, 100% of the time, like they never had a life before John decided his vendetta superceded the well being of his preschool and infant sons.

Oh, you're a crisis of my faith

Dean's perception of everyone, of the world, every aspect of life is jaded, mistrustful, suspicious purely because John raised him to never trust anyone except him.

Would've, could've, should've

If I'd only played it safe

There's all the possibilities, the futures that never came about, all the questions and what ifs. 'If I would've grown up normally', 'maybe I could've done something with my life', 'I never should've had all this put on me'. If only Dean had grown up in a normal, safe home with a family who cared for his and Sam's well being.

If clarity's in death, then why won't this die?

Years of tearing down our banners, you and I

John is dead, he's long dead, but everything he did, everything he said, everything he instilled is still there and it won't die with him. No matter what Dean does, trying to separate himself from the weapon John made him, he can't get rid of it, he can't tear it down.

Living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts

The older they get, especially Dean, the more he sees it and the more things he does that he knows full well his dad would have lost his mind over. Befriending a vampire, being on relatively decent terms with not one but two demons, having an angel, someone who is not human, as a best friend (or more). All that shit would have made John absolutely crazy and Dean knows it.

Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first

John took away Dean’s childhood. He had a childhood, until he was almost 5, and then John ripped it away from him.

God rest my soul

I miss who I used to be

The tomb won't close

Stained glass windows in my mind

I regret you all the time

I can't let this go

I fight with you in my sleep

The wound won't close

I keep on waiting for a sign

Everything John put them through, everything he did, everything he didn't do, was profoundly damaging and neglectful at best if you want to sugarcoat it. The reality is that his entire upbringing from the night his mother died was abusive in so many different ways. The person that little boy could have grown up to be died with his mother that night, and it's impossible to bring him back, to ever be anything resembling who that little boy could have grown up to be. His entire life is a constant reminder of that, of everything, of all the potential that was stolen from him as a little kid.

I regret you all the time

[mlobsters]

supernatural s5e22 swan song (teleplay: eric kripke story: eric gerwitz)

DEAN I mean, truth is... You know, watching out for you... it's kinda been my job, you know? But more than that, it's... it's kinda who I am. You're not a kid anymore, Sam, and I can't keep treating you like one. Maybe I got to grow up a little, too. I don't know if we got a snowball's chance. But... But I do know that if anybody can do it... it's you.

SAM Thank you.

DEAN If this is what you want... Is this really what you want?

SAM I let him out. I got to put him back in.

a) want? i mean who wants this, no one, but do they have any other options at this point? b) "i let him out" ouch. c) i am at least slightly relieved that they're together on this (at this point in the episode fuck knows if it'll last longer than 10 minutes) d) the gentle piano coming in as he says "truth is" oh god it's just so. why do i have such problems with the scored music lol it just feels so... generic e) dean being all, i am defined by you

gallon jugs o'blood made me laugh

SAM So you got to promise me something.

DEAN Okay. Yeah. Anything.

SAM You got to promise not to try to bring me back.

DEAN What? No, I didn't sign up for that.

SAM Dean --

DEAN Your Hell is gonna make my tour look like Graceland. You want me just to sit by and do nothing?

SAM Once the Cage is shut, you can't go poking at it, Dean. It's too risky.

DEAN No, no, no, no, no. As if I'm just gonna let you rot in there.

SAM Yeah, you are. You don't have a choice.

DEAN You can't ask me to do this.

SAM I'm sorry, Dean. You have to.

DEAN So then what am I supposed to do?

SAM You go find Lisa. You pray to god she's dumb enough to take you in, and you – you have barbecues and go to football games. You go live some normal, apple-pie life, Dean. Promise me.

this is fine. everything is fine.

again i don't want reality to intrude on my shows but sir you cannot drink 4 gallons of anything like that. *stop thinking about how they keep it from coagulating* it's demon blood, it's magic!

these chuck/impala interludes are kinda weird. why you tryin to tug my heartstrings over the car and how it's their home right now

LUCIFER/SAM I'm inside your grapefruit, Sam. You can't lie to me. I see it all – how odd you always felt, how... out of place in that... family of yours. And why shouldn't you have? They were foster care – at best. I'm your real family.

SAM No, that's not true.

LUCIFER/SAM It is. And I know you know it. All those times you ran away, you weren't running from them. You were running towards me. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, you know. I let Dean live, didn't I? I want him to live. I'll bring your folks back, too. I want you to be happy, Sam.

big sigh. i have no idea this gets to the endpoint

this is a lot of padalecki face. it's hard not to zone out, had the same problem when dean was talking to future!dean too. at least with this, there's a pretty distinct difference in vibe between the characters

CASTIEL It's starting.

DEAN Yeah, you think, genius?

CASTIEL You don't have to be mean.

tell him, cas. and dean comes right back with a completely unnecessary insult that i will not deign to repeat

CHUCK (VOICEOVER) And when it was clear, they'd park her in the middle of nowhere, sit on the hood, and watch the stars... for hours... without saying a word.

like. ???? but also dropping all sorts of good details for our dear fic writers

CASTIEL I just want you to understand – the only thing that you're gonna see out there is Michael killing your brother.

DEAN Well, then I ain't gonna let him die alone.

guh.

questionable music selection, dean. rock of ages, really

the rest is too awful to talk about. the show will always try to drown us in dean's pain.

[hahahahahangst]

Peach Scone (Be The Young 23)

GIANT TW which will be valid for each episode for suicidal thoughts, SELF H*RM, violence, cursing, relatives dying, mentions of s*x, s*xual assault

All chapter titles are song titles, some of them translated from Italian songs. We start from the first season and make out way through the series. I will break canon (mostly from the S2 finale) but will try to get back into it for the sake of ✨ lore ✨ .

Summary: Emily's life used to be normal. Until one day, her family died, leaving behind just one letter.

"After reading this whole letter, call John Winchester. [...] He’s your real father."

A/N: As I said last time, I’m sorry... This- this is just sad tbh

MASTERLIST

Peach Scone

Or maybe it’s the thought of not being so alone.

Emily and Dean's last fight seemed to have finally turned their relationship around: she even managed to get some comfort out of him while they were burning Sam's body. It seemed like all the people Emily loved were taken away by fire. Each and everyone of them, she had to watch them slowly being consumed by flames. When the fire extinguished itself, it was almost midnight and around them was pitch black. However, they didn’t move for a while. They stayed in complete darkness. “Dean, I want to quit.” She blurted out. She didn’t mean to say it. But it was true. Hunting had cost her close to everything. Dean was the only person she had left. “If you die as well I won’t survive it.” “We should have brought him back.” Dean’s voice pierced the dark as if it was lightning. Emily dug her nails in his shoulder, where she was resting her left hand. Those weren’t things they would ever admit face to face. They were saying it exclusively because it was dark. And it’s easier to say terrible things when it’s dark. It’s as if they are less loud. Emily would never admit it, but she was regretting giving up on Sam as well. She knew that what she had with him, she could never have with Dean. They would never share the dorkiness, they would never be able to share random glimpses of their rawest emotions through telepathy. However, she also knew that moving on was the only healthy solution. The one that would have caused less damages. Or at least that’s what she thought. And so the weeks passed. Slowly, but regularly. Dean was drunk most of the time. Emily had to take the bottle away from him several times each day and she did not like how angry he progressively became every time she did. The idilliac state they lived in for a few days was about to run out. The bubble was about to burst. Their fights were going to be back. Worse than before.

“Dean.” She warned as he punched the table when Emily took away the bottle from her. “Watch it.” Since they had burned Sam’s body, she had to transform into a weird, unhealthy version of a mother. She could not afford to be the little sister anymore. Someone had to be the adult and Dean was out of himself. She put the bottle away and stepped behind Dean, putting her hands on his shoulders. His body tensed for a second before starting to slowly relax as Emily started massaging his shoulders. “You know I can’t let you drink that much.” “I know. Sorry.” “You always say that.” She made sure to be out of Dean’s line of sight as her eyes were filled with tears. Emily wanted things to be way better than they were. She had a glimpse of Dean as a big brother but it was all soon gone when he started realizing Sam was dead. For good. That they weren’t bringing him back. “‘Right.” She said, letting him go and clearing her throat. “Any requests for dinner?” Emily took the glass away from the table as well and quickly rinsed it in the sink. She stood over it, trying her best not to cry. “I’m not too hungry.” He sighed, staring in front of him with hard eyes. Emily started to wonder if she didn’t get there too late. If she didn’t stop him in time. “Do you want to talk about it?” She asked, trying her best to not let any worry seep through her words, but only a fake firmness. Dean didn’t answer. Not that Emily needed any answers: the answer was obviously “no”. Sam was the only one who knew how to take on Dean to make him talk. Emily filled the glass she had just rinsed with water and placed it in front of Dean. When she sat in front of him, Dean gave her an enraged glare. She was definitely too late. “Dean, please.” She tried to touch his shoulder but he moved away while also shoving her arm in the opposite direction. She stood back up and took a deep, long sigh. Don’t freak out. She repeated to herself. Don’t play his game. “Maybe it’s better if I leave you alone for a while.” “No, stay.” “Dean, we both know how this ends.” “I SAID STAY!” He yelled.

Emily shut her eyes both to the sound of her brother screaming, once more angry at her for the sole guilt of existing. The door slammed shut, her powers once again going out of control. She dangled her head for a second, trying to gather all the patience and calm she had. She had seen it again and again. She knew how it was going to go. She arrived too late. Dean was too drunk. He could not control himself anymore. His thoughts were not lucid and she could see it from how he looked at her. “Why did you stop me from bringing him back?” He said, on the verge of crying. “Because I care about you, that’s why.” Emily tried to be as straight forwards as possible, yet to not give him the impression she was trying to fight. “I am not doing this with you again.” She tried to walk out the door. “You made me burn his body!” Dean stood and dragged her away from the door and pushed her to the wall. “We agreed on it!” She said, staring at him. He did not give any signs of setting her free. “Dean.” She warned again. “Let me go.” Her tone was calm, but inside, she was already anticipating what was about to happen. She had gone down that road at least twice a week for more than a month. It had always gone the same way. “Dean. I am not warning you a fourth time. Let - go - of - me.” The more she talked, the more he seemed upset. By the end of the sentence, he already had his hand raised. Emily could have used her powers to set herself free, but it always made him angrier. Emily welcomed the back of Dean’s hand collapsing violently with her face for the third time that week and didn’t even flinch. “Feel better now?” Dean let go of her as if she was made of fire, his glare turning into regret. “Can I go or…?” “I’m sorry. Please- Please stay.” He said, watching her go back to her routine tasks. Emily hid herself facing the sink once more, massaging her face. “I told you you were not going to feel better.” She said, going back to washing the dishes as nothing ever happened. She sighed, relieved, hearing the tone of the washing machine announcing it was over. She stepped out of the room and closed the door behind her. Bobby was staring at her from the corner of the room, where he sat, reading a book. “He did it again, didn’t he?” Emily nodded as she slid on the floor, holding her head into her hands. “Is he getting any better?” She shook her head. His bad days were becoming more and more numerous to the expense of the good days. She tried her best not to cry so as to not attract Dean’s attention. Bobby helped her stand back up and hugged her. She immediately started sobbing. He shushed her. “It’s going to be alright. Don’t worry, darling.” They moved away from the door and towards the stairs. “I'll take care of the dinner tonight, okay? You go upstairs and rest a bit.” She nodded on the man’s shirt and started climbing up the stairs. When she reached the laundry room, she released all her sobbing. She started crying, in physical and psychological pain. She placed her hands on the washing machine and cried loud enough to not hear the two men arguing downstairs. It took her a handful of minutes before she was able to recollect herself and actually do the task she was supposed to do. She took the washed clothes out of the machine and put them in a basket which she then carried downstairs, making sure to walk fast enough so that nobody would notice she was still crying. “I thought I said get some rest,“ commented Bobby as she passed through the main room. “It will get stinky if I don't do it now.” She said, going out the door and around the house, where she had hung some lines to dry her clothes on. While she was out there, Bobby approached her. He was heading out with Rufus to help him out for a hunt. “Will you be okay?” He asked, concerned. “Yeah, don’t worry. It’s nothing I can’t handle.” “Yeah, about that…“ “What?” She side eyed him, suspicious. “I called Ellen, she agreed on letting you stay with her for a while.” “Why?” She scoffed. “You know why.” Emily stopped tending at the laundry and drew a deep breath. “Bobby, he needs someone to be around.” “Well, that someone doesn’t have to be you.” “But what if-” “Emily, he’s an adult. And you are not supposed to be his mother! This isn’t up for debate, you are leaving as soon as I am back from this job.” “But-” “I would start packing if I were you.”

Later that night she was in her room, reluctantly packing, when her attention was raised by the sound of glass breaking. “Dean!” She yelled, warningly. A mother. She sounded exactly like a mother. Something else broke. What would her mother have done if she started breaking stuff? She ran down the stairs. “What the hell are you doing?!” She said, entering the kitchen, worried. There stood Dean, a beer bottle in his hand and several broken glass shards lying on the floor in front of him. “Give me that.” She said, extending her hand towards the bottle he was holding. Dean didn’t move. “I said-” she took a step and forced the bottle out of his hands. He gave up way too easily. “Dean!” She snapped her fingers in front of him. “What is going on?!” What was the point in asking? She knew exactly what was going on. She felt that exact sensation for years. Emily knew how difficult it was to snap out of that. All you can think is how much you hate your life and how much you want to change things, but you are stuck. Stuck somewhere you can't get out of. Just like someone who is permanently trapped in a box, Dean stared in front of him with the emptiest gaze Emily had ever seen on him. All she wanted was for him to show some signs of life. It was only when she put both her hands on his face, so fast it was almost a slap, and made him turn towards her that he finally looked at her, almost as if he just noticed her presence. His eyes were filled with tears. “Wait, are you-” she let go of him as if he was made of fire. It was the first time Emily saw Dean crying after Sam had died. An alarm set off in her that something was very, very wrong. Dean rolled his eyes and turned the other way, putting his hands on the border of the sink, his head danling in between. “Dean, what’s going on?” She heard him sniff as an answer. She put a hand on his shoulder and made him turn her way. She stared at his deep green eyes, so filled with sadness and yet so empty of any life. It physically hurt to see him like that, she would rather see him angry and on the verge of punching her. Anything but like that. “Come here.” She said, pulling him towards her. He strongly smelled of beer, even more than usual, and she had to go to the tip of her toes in order to properly hug him, but she made sure he rested his head on her shoulder. He broke down crying as soon as she wrapped him with her arms. Dean Winchester wasn't a sobber, but Emily felt his body wince several times. Suddenly, it felt like she was holding a porcelain doll. Like he was going to break if she wasn’t too careful. Or maybe like if he was already broken. “It’s alright,“ she whispered, caressing the back of his neck. ”...do you want to talk about it?” He didn’t really answer with words, but it seemed to Emily that he winced a little harder. “Ok.” She concluded, holding him close. She let him cry on her shoulder. She couldn't help but wonder where all that sadness was coming from. Was it another nightmare? Was it about her moving away? Or was it something entirely different? After a while, when Emily felt Dean's heart go back to a normal rate, she unwrapped her arms from around him. She cupped his face, just like her mother would always do to her when she cried, and dried his face with her thumbs. “What about some coffee, uh? Dry up your head a little?” She smiled. He nodded. Dean sat down at the table and Emily filled the coffee maker with water. With a familiar beep she had heard several times everyday since they landed at Bobby’s, it started heating itself up. The coffee scent was spreading in the kitchen. “First things first,“ she said, opening the cabinet. ”...water.” She filled two glasses with water and placed one in front of Dean while keeping one for herself. He didn't seem to pay too much attention to the gesture, still wrapped in whatever he was overthinking about. “Dean!” She called. “Drink the water.” He automatically grabbed the glass and started drinking. “Did you have any dinner?” “Yes- I- uh… No I have not.” He finally admitted. Two seconds later, the sound of a pan hitting metal echoed in the room. “Come on, Emily, you don't have to do this…“ “Oh, sure, I'll just let you starve!” She said, sarcastic, moving a couple of blood jars to finally reveal the peanut butter she had bought weeks before. She sniffed it. Good enough. Then, it was time to find the jam, which luckily resided in the fridge, and the bread. She lit the fire under the pan and started toasting the bread. She poured coffee into a cup and handed it to Dean. “I told you, it's not-” “Oh come on,“ she said, moving his cup closer to his mouth. “You've been the big brother all your life. Let me be the older one for a second, okay?” He looked at her for a second before taking a sip of the coffee. She smiled and went back to her bread. Soon, it was nice and toasted and Dean had a peanut butter and jelly toast in front of him. “Do you want me to take crusts away or…“ She joked, sitting down next to him while unwrapping a snack bar, she sat on the table. Dean looked at the food but hesitated to eat it. “Eat, you'll feel better. Come on.” She pushed the plate a little closer to him. He suddenly stood up. “Okay, no- no. This is not working.” “Come on, Dean, it's just food!” “I'm supposed to be the one that takes care of you, not the other way around.” Emily stood up as well. “So, I can't help you?” “It's just-” He sighed. “Looking out for Sam has always been my job. And I failed. Now I am supposed to look out for you, but-” “It's not your job anymore, Dean. I'm just trying to make sure you are okay. Mentally and physically. Now…“ She moved the plate even closer to him. “Eat your toast.” She said, nervous. He finally sat back down. “Dean, really. Let me take care of you, okay? Just for a minute?” Her voice immediately became softer as she sat back down. Dean looked at the toast, unsure. He took a small bite, then raised his eyebrows and finished the whole thing. She waited for him to finish the toast completely, then she took the plate away and placed it in the sink. She stood in between the sink and Dean. She knew that answering her next question would have been easier if he didn't see her. “Did you already speak with Bobby about…?” Emily played with an overhang on her index finger. Dean didn't answer. “Should I take it as a yes?” He sighed. “I did.” “And?” “I don’t know what to tell you, just go if you want to get rid of me that badly.” “Getting rid of-” “Yeah, you think I don’t see it? You can’t wait to leave.” “Dean, that’s not true!” “Right.” He said, sarcastic. “Right? I literally just cooked you your first meal in what, two days? What is the next thing you say going to be, that I don’t care about you?” “That’s exactly my next point, yes.” “Are you serious?” She scoffed. “Never been more serious.” “So you really think that I don’t give a shit?” She pushed herself away from the sink. “That’s right.” He answered, suddenly calm. “And what makes you think that?” “You wouldn’t leave if you actually cared.” “Dean-” she stuttered, getting more and more nervous. “I am not deciding to leave. I am being forced by Bobby because you keep acting like a fucking asshole.” They stayed in complete silence. Dean never got back at her and Emily eventually leaned against the sink again. “Dean?” She called a while later. “Uh?” “Are you going to start hunting again?” “Maybe.” To that answer, Emily couldn't help but shiver. “Ok.” “See? If you cared, you would have fought me on this.” He turned around to look at her. “Do you want me to fight you on that?” The clock ticked, nobody moved for a while. Nobody spoke. A dog barked not too far away. “Yeah.” Emily pushed herself away from the sink once more, putting down the coffee mug. She sat in front of Dean. “Why on earth would you go back?” She asked. “It’s the family business. People are dying because we are not out there.” “Yeah, but what about you?! What about us? I mean, hunting has taken away everything from us. It took your mother, my mother, Sam, dad, Alex- Dean, it took everything away from us.” “That’s exactly why I do that: so that no other families are ruined.” “Yes but Dean, what about you?” “What about it?” “When are you going to decide it’s your turn to be happy or - god forbids - my turn as well?” “So what, now I make you unhappy?” “Dean, don’t you see it? We are siblings! I cannot be happy if you are… like this.” She gestured at him. “When I got here one year ago, you had to wash me like a toddler. I thought I was going to die or that I would never go that low ever again. And look at me. I am still here, still crying at night, still hurting myself in any possible way and you throw beer bottles, you refuse to eat and we punch each other and-” She sniffed. “This is not you, and I know losing Sam hurts like hell, shit- I’m trying to be the older sibling here, okay? I am trying, but you-” Her body winced, unable to control a sob. Her thoughts were starting to not make sense anymore and out of her mouth only came half sentences. She put both hands on the table. “Dean, if you die I’ll probably follow right after.” She managed to say. “Nobody said anything about you hunting with me.” He said, confused. “I know.” Dean took a second to realize the implications of what she had just said and his gaze turned harder. “I won’t die.” “Yeah, right, I knew at least two other hunters who said the exact same thing and guess what, we had to burn both their bodies.” “Stop talking about Sam and dad!” “Why?! Not talking about them is not gonna bring them back!” “Emily!” “What?!” She walked on the other side of the table to face Dean. “Emily what? You want to punch me? Cool. Give Bobby more reasons to make me leave.” She pushed him. She swore to herself she was never going to start a fight again, but he looked so empty, so lifeless, the only thing left of the Dean she knew was his ability to make her angry with three words. “It comes down to a decision, Dean: you either choose to save what’s left of your own family, or you save someone else’s family.” She stared Dean down. “I didn’t ask for your opinion about this.” He pushed her back. “Right. And I didn’t ask about your opinion on me moving out.” “I should have guessed you would have jumped at the first real chance of getting rid of me.” “You know what?” She took a step back. “Why do I keep trying with you? You don't care about being siblings, you just want to fight. You are so frustrated you have to turn on those who are trying to help you, damn it. Just go pay a hooker or jerk off some teenagers, but don’t- don’t bring me into your alpha male shit ever again!” “I am not-” “SHUT UP!” She purposefully made a window explode to her left. “SHUT THE FUCK UP! I am busting my ass out to keep you fucking alive, and you have the nerve to tell I don’t care? I AM DONE! YOU WANT ME TO NOT CARE SO BAD? WELL, ENJOY!”

Emily spent the night going back with her memories to all the times Dean and her had fought. She still remembered their very first argument. She had just started hunting and she rolled her ankle tripping on something while running.

“All you have to do is watch where you are going! Is that so hard?!” “I was a little busy running from a fucking ghost!” “You should not have made the damn thing angry in the first place!”

Then, there was the time she tried to suggest she could go hunting by herself. That she didn’t need anybody’s help.

“So you think you're that good?” Said Dean, putting his beer down on the table. “Damn right I am!” She answered, cocky. John looked at them from the corner of the room. “Okay, prove it.” Dean walked in front of Emily, taking off his jacket. “Try to punch me.” “Dean.” Warned John. “Go easy on your sister.” “Don't worry dad, she'll be fine.”

Emily, arms still crossed, stared at her brother. He repeated: “Come on, tough guy, try to get me.” Ultimately, Emily took off her jacket as well and tried to strike Dean. He grabbed her arm mid air, shoved it down and forced her to turn back from him. In less than a second, she was pressed against the wall, her arms locked behind her. “I just killed you.” He said, letting go of her. She took the chance and without even turning, she elbowed him in the stomach: she did it hard enough so he would still feel it, but not enough so that he was actually hurt. In the split second of surprise, Emily quickly switched positions and soon, he was the one pressed against the wall, arms locked. “Dead.” She smiled. She was confident, but Dean was stronger. He set himself free way too easily for Emily's liking and he was about to find another way of fake-killing her, if it wasn't for John putting an end to that fight.

They also fought the night John had left. Emily was tired and needed to study in order to finish high school, so she suggested they take a break. A simple request like that became a fight that Emily was extremely glad John did never hear.

“Why don't we just take a week off? I imagine you are tired as well.” “Monsters don't take the week off, Emily.” Dean was patching himself up as they had just returned from a difficult shapeshifter hunt. He was nervous and on edge, Emily had just shot his copy without even checking if it was a copy or not. She said she had “an intuition”. “So you're telling me this hunt hasn't exhausted you as well?!” “It didn't.” “Oh, sorry, I forgot, your muscles don't need any rest.” She said, sarcastic. “They don't, because I have a purpose. That beats the need to rest and the desire to go to Disneyland.” “I never mentioned Disn- You know what?! One day this will be over and you will have nothing left.” “It will never be over.” “Right. Because no matter what you do, your mother won't be back. Mine either.”

That was the first time she saw Dean so angry at her she thought he might actually punch her.

At the time, they all looked like a big deal to Emily. If only she knew how much it would have escalated, she probably would have laughed it off. It all slowly went downwards from then. She thought about the first time Dean actually slapped her. She was screaming about how if she killed herself he would not care. She was still convinced of it. He never tried to prove her otherwise. Of course, there were the two days of peace that they had after Sam, but those only proved that if he wanted, he could be affectionate. Not that he cared about her. Then she thought about the first time Dean showed himself as sad, when she and Sam were infected. That was the moment she finally realized why he slapped her when she said she wanted to kill herself. All she wanted at that moment was for him to save himself. Then there was their final fight, which they only had because Bobby didn’t let them leave the room for hours. They didn't speak at each other for up to a whole hour, just staring in front of them. Then, one would say something and the fight would continue. “I am not your brother.” He had said. If it wasn't for that stupid deal she tried to make, she would have killed herself minutes after hearing that. That was probably the only time in her life when she really said what she was thinking to Dean. It also made her realize that while she was busy being hurt by Dean’s actions, he would get hurt by hers as well. For the first time she realized how she was not the only one trying her hardest. That was what finally made Emily snap out of her anger and what made her become the “mom.” version of herself. They deserved to have what they had been fighting for. They deserved each other. Even if it seemed to not have worked. Something she had not snapped out of was self harming. Without even thinking too much about it, her arms were already bleeding on the floor. What she craved about cutting herself was how good she had become at it. She knew just how much to cut so that she would fall into a blissful, peaceful state. She leaned against the door and on her lips appeared a hint of smiling. She loved that sensation way too much. She knew perfectly well that one day, she would go too far.

Bobby was back the following morning. Dean was still sleeping and she took advantage of that to just take her bag and leave. Although Bobby sent her towards the Roadhouse, she took it upon herself to never even go in the right direction. She drove twenty minutes outside of Sioux Falls and entered a motel. “I can’t go to the Roadhouse. I’ll figure it out.” Was her last text to Bobby before she fell asleep, still clothed, on her bed.

[janiedean]

How are you Lavi? I was wondering, have you have shared your opinion about the end of Supernatural? I would especially love to hear your thoughts about Destiel and that love confession.

hey! I'm... extremely tired because a lot of stuff is going on that I will partially share on main about soon but has been sapping my energies a lot (i'm OOOLD) but it could be worse, thank you <3

also, wrt spn: I think I did say it in scattered posts but if you want the condensed version:

I had quit spn like early s12 at the hitler episode then I finished it after the ending because I figured I owed it to them after watching the finale live as it aired so... it was something but going in order

I actually greatly enjoyed s12-15 up to the end and I was pleasurably surprised - like okay it was the usual crazy shit half of the time and it def had gone on too long but 12-15 were eons better than the slug that was 9-11 and I had a lot of genuine fun when watching them and like they actually look/are extremely coherent for spn standards so I mostly have positive stuff on the topic like the apocalypse universe was cool, the ketch redemption arc was cool, tombstone and the tarantino episode were a masterpiece (and the 80s rock episode too sdlgkjd same as the scooby doo crossover) and I loved chuck as the villain and how meta that was

concerning deancas and the love confession: I mean as the resident idiot who had written her first deancas fic after 4x03 aired I always thought that they didn't know what they had been doing until like s5 when they realized what they were doing (sorry no one convinces that 5x03 wasn't written by someone who didn't have the deancas agenda in mind in spades) but like I generally thought that if it went somewhere it was gonna end with sam retiring and being a man of letters or smth like that and deancas going off to fight monsters in a way where you could frame it as THEY ARE BEST FRIENDS™ in places where them being gay would be frowned upon

I also thought that if anything happened whether like... either canonization or adjacent-canonization it was gonna be the last five minutes of the series finale because otherwise some parts of fandom wouldn't have let anyone involved with that show live which is why I was pleasurably shocked the confession was in ep 18 and not 20

now: I think the network authorized it and then chickened out when covid hit because the way the entire thing is structured... like sorry but this story starts with cas rescuing dean from hell, in 18 cas ends up in the empty from which he can obviously be rescued, in 19 every single plotline gets wrapped except that one in an episode that can work as a finale-finale if you leave it at that and I'm supposed to think that the og plan for ep 20 didn't include a reverse thing where dean got him out and they made out? sorry at this point bite me I'mma put my money on that esp given that...

... episode 20 is the most useless finale i've ever seen in the sense that literally nothing happens in it, the show itself had fillers where more shit happened like honestly I've never seen 40 minutes of a show that were more... a waste of time and resources and effort as that one, it looked like they told the writers they needed to have dean and sam be bros™ one of them had to die and they met in heaven again and they did that but just that X°D like sorry but the vampire porn diaries had the exact same finale template - one brother dies the other lives a happy normal life and they meet again in heaven -, s8 of tvd was vastly worsely written than spn s15 like i'm not even arguing that, but if you look at tvd finale actually shit happens in it and when you watch it it actually looks decent/wraps things up/makes you feel stuff, the spn finale is just stupid but I can't even be angry at it because imvho it's obvious they did it on purpose X°D but like tldr if the og plans hadn't been scrapped whatever they were they would have had an ep 20 where shit actually happened and that wasn't the drag it was, and like if it had come at the end of a badly written season (like tvd) I'd have just shrugged and whatever but... it came after an actually well-written season that was actually coherent with the previous four ones so I can't believe that was the real endgame content really XD

anyway: the confession was imvho absolutely ic and coherent with the entire thing starting from s4 because like sorry cas being in love with dean since then is just blatantly making sense, I never thought once it was baiting or teasing because only ppl who never watched the show would think the delivery was bad or that either misha or jensen were cringing while saying their lines, cas saying exactly the stuff he said made absolute sense in context, dean's reaction (as much as I'm sure they cut stuff) was absolutely sensed as well and no one tells me he didn't reciprocate bc the entire thing was built so that he'd admit it to himself at the very end and I mean anon my friend my comrade when I watched that episode I cried for twenty minutes straight after I finished it so X°D

like okay yeah part of it was the SEE WE WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG FUCK THE DENIERS but most of it was that I honestly was moved and I found that entire speech extremely heartfelt, meaningful and a whole lot of things I'm not sharing on main because I don't want people deciding stuff based on it but like I have zero negative things to say about that confession, I'm glad it happened and I don't regret catching up also because it happened as it really felt like the natural reaching point of cas's whole arc, I'm just sad that whatever the fuck went on with the cw they didn't let dean have a decent ending bc honestly what the fuck was that thing and they deserved to be happy without presuming they met offscreen in heaven or whatever the fuck but honestly all my issues with spn's ending are with the cw obviously getting cold feet concerning episode 20

tldr: the ending-ending sucked but up until 15x19 I thoroughly enjoyed most of what I saw nonsensical or not because at that point spn was the kinda thing you watched bc you liked it with all the faults it has, I 100% believe that the last episode sucked on purpose because I've never seen a finale done with so little effort after four seasons full of effort ever like not even penny dreadful whose finale imvho sucked on purpose sucked this much but like getting there was worth it and deancas being canon in itself was smth I never thought we'd get this explicitly and I'm very very very happy it happened, peace

[hekate1308]

Present Blessings, A Drowley Advent Calendar, December 25

Masterpost

Read it on AO3

Feeling utterly out of his depth, which normally was a feeling he didn’t particularly cherish, but Dean was back and nothing else seemed to matter, he argued, “But you should be resting –“

“I’m human, not sick. And I’m gonna enjoy myself, so we’re going to the Christmas party.”

Dean simply wouldn’t listen to reason, and so he didn’t call his driver to cancel, even though there was nothing he wanted more.

When Garth left the vehicle, his eyes lit up. “Dean!”

Crowley was rather glad he had insisted on Dean having his clothes cleaned and putting them in the closet, so that he’d had a suit to put on.

“Hey, man.”

“I thought you left!” He pulled Dean into his arms, something Crowley and yet failed to do even though he really wanted to.

His mind was still reeling with everything he had learned. Being given a choice – being turned into a good little obedient angel or falling and being reborn – Dean had taken the third option and cut his own grace out so he could stay on earth –

Stay with Crowley? Uncharacteristically, he hadn’t dared ask.

He didn’t know what Dean’s plans were. He had no idea if he would even stay after tonight. He had no way of telling where they would go from here.

It was oddly exhilarating and yet terrifying at the same time.

Dean sat down in the limousine with a contended sigh. “Man, never realized how comfortable it can be to just sit down when I was still an angel.”

Strangely, there seemed to be no regret with his choice.

“Dean –“

“Hey, let’s just enjoy tonight, alright? Please? I need this.”

He agreed because it felt like there was nothing else he could do.

Another upside of Dean returning was that Crowley’s entrance was barely noticed, since everyone immediately noticed Dean and acted just like Garth had done.

He was content to stay behind until Dean took his hand like it was nothing and dragged him right into the middle of the crowd. At first, his employees seemed hesitant, but then they were rather enthusiastic, especially because Dean was his usual, cheerful self.

Even Winchester wished Crowley happy holidays, and that was certainly something he hadn’t expected.

Crowley went to get them drinks and found him, Dean and Charlie whispering something or other in-between themselves.

When Dean saw him, his eyes lit up in a way they had never done when he was still an angel – or at least he didn’t think so – and he was helpless to resist as he took his hand again and dragged him into a corner.

“So, that’s all decided” he said. “Sam doesn’t have a family to object, so Charlie’s gonna help. You’re looking at the oldest Winchester brother.”

“What?”

“She knows a guy to help with health insurance the credit score and the rest of it too” he said happily.

“Now, wait a moment –“ And then he understood. “You’ve thought about all of this before.”

Dean shrugged. “On and off for the past – well, millennium or so, if I am being honest. You know I wasn’t too fond of Heaven, or the other angels. An I think I never made a good one myself.”

Crowley would have disagreed with him him there, but he didn’t leave him any time as he continued.

“And well – there is so much more for me down here. Yes I’m gonna die eventually, but in-between now and then…” He hesitated. “Actually I think there’s a lot for me here, but of course only if… That is, I hope… I’m not sure…”

Crowley stared ta him. This right here was everything he had always run from, and with good reason.

And yet…

This was Dean. Dean, who he knew so well and yet not at all. Dean, who had fallen to live a human life with –

He grabbed his tie and dragged him into a kiss.

It seemed the only thing left to do – the only right thing to do, at any rate.

Two years later

“Father, Dean said to make sure you’re not working.”

He rolled his eyes. “Just finishing up. We close until after New Year’s anyway.” Dean insisted on it”.

“Making Dean your partner was the best decision you ever made, and you know it.”

They were both aware of the double entendre, so there was no reason to acknowledge it.

“Come one, you know how he gets when you are late to the Christmas party.”

“Yes, yes” he mumbled, feeling rather nervous as he got up even though he had no reason to be.

Gavin grinned. “Not getting cold feet, are you, Father? Where is it?”

He simply drew the ring out of his pocket to show it off one more time before putting it on Dean’s finger exactly two hours later.

[deanwritings]

Safe Now

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Summary: After a tough hunt, Dean is upset that the reader put her life in danger to save him.

Warnings: Smut (surprise!)

Word Count: 2,251

Gif:

A/N: Wow! First fic in 5 years. I’m definitely a little rusty but ready to get back into the swing of writing. Hope this was worth the wait. 

Dean slams the door behind you as you both walk into the motel room, you a few steps ahead of him as you drop your battle duffle onto the floor with a thud. 

The room is completely silent and you wince as you try to roll your jacket over your bruised shoulder. You were lucky it wasn’t dislocated, and you were even luckier you weren’t dead, but that didn’t stop Dean from giving you the silent treatment as he moved around you to unpack his weapons’ duffle, no doubt looking for a gun he could take apart and fiddle with while he continued to ignore you.

The ride back from the hunt was excruciating, and not just from the cuts and bruises you earned during this hunt. It was Dean’s seething silence that hurt the most.

It was a werewolf hunt that was suppose to be easy, and for all purposes except the slight hiccup at the end, it was. You didn’t normally accompany the brothers to the fights, your skills being much more useful on a laptop or when it came to interrogating the locals, but Sam was home with the flu, and even with your limited hunting skills, you figured taking you as backup was still safer than Dean going into battle alone. 

For the most part, you stayed out of Dean’s way while he took on the pack of three alone, managing to fire off a few rounds of silver bullets to distract them if they were overwhelming Dean. But the problem arose when a fourth wolf that you hadn’t accounted for emerged from the shadows and lunged for Dean. You didn’t have time to think, let alone alert Dean to the surprise danger, so you did the only thing you could -- you tackled Dean out of the way, getting yourself thrown across the room and into a window in the process.

Your deflection gave Dean enough time to realize what happen and he was able to take out the final monster before running over to you as you struggled to push yourself up. You weren’t use to getting hit, let alone thrown through a window, and it had definitely knocked the wind out of you while also cutting you up in the process. Thankfully, none of the injuries required stitches or other medical attention, and with Dean’s help, you picked yourself up and you left the bloodied scene behind you.

You turn to face Dean who is sitting at the table, wiping down his machete, eyes completely focused on the blade.

“We gonna talk about this?” You cross your arms, wincing at the tight pull behind your shoulder blade.

Your boyfriend’s eyes glance up at you for just a moment before flicking back to the weapon in his hand and you take a deep breath.

“This is ridiculous.” You huff. “You’re pissed because I saved you? Really?” You ask incredulously. “Would you rather I let the werewolf blindside you?” Your eyebrows raise as you stare down Dean.

A beat of silence passes through the room before Dean finally sets the machete onto the table and adjusts in his seat, giving you his full attention. You see the scratches around his eye and dried blood on his forehead. There’s a cut across his cheek that looks fairly deep and could probably use some butterfly stitches and a deep clean once you two had a chance to talk. 

“That’s exactly what you should have done.” His voice is low, his gaze finally meeting yours.

You laugh, thinking you’ve heard him wrong. But of course you didn’t hear him wrong. This was Dean Winchester, the most self-deprecating man on Earth. Chuck forbid someone looked out for him for once. 

“I’m sorry, but you want me to just sit on the sidelines and watch you die?” Your voice suddenly raises, a mix of panic and anger rising like bile in your throat.

“I’d rather that then you get hurt because of me!” Dean suddenly stands, the chair he was sitting in teetering from the sudden movement. “I’d rather you didn’t die because of me,  Y/N!” He takes a few steps towards you and you keep your shoulders square. He was loud, but you were stubborn, and you weren’t about to back down just because Dean was louder and bigger than you. 

“Because I have no idea what the hell I’d do if I had to watch you die.” His voice lowers as he gets closer to you, and your chin begins to quiver at his confession. 

It’s the same thing you fear every time he leaves the bunker for a hunt, or returns to a motel room torn up from the monster of the week. If Dean ever died, you’d have no idea what you’d do without him. And you couldn’t even bare the thought of having to watch him die. That would be a fate worse than death itself. 

“And how come you get to die for me and I can’t die for you?” You whisper as he stops right in front of you. “Because let’s be real here Dean, if one of us had to survive, it has to be you.” A flash of pain shimmers in his green eyes as your words sink in. “You’re the one who saves people, you’re the one who stops apocalypses, I’m just along for the ride.” You swallow the lump in your throat.

It was a truth you had realized long ago, before you had even started dating Dean, and it was something you thought about every time you hopped in the Impala with the boys to take on the next case; that if it ever had to come down to you or Dean, Dean would have to be the one, every time. Same with Sam. The boys protected our world, and you’d be damned if you stood around and let them die just because you were scared. In the grand scheme of things, you were just a girlfriend, a gloried sidekick--not that the Winchesters would ever call you that--but you knew that when it came to the bigger picture, you were just a speck and the Winchesters were the sun and the stars.

“Don’t say that.” He whispered, his green eyes glossy. You know Dean’s self-loathing nature would never let him fully understand just how important he was, or how important his survival was. It broke your heart, but he needed to understand his importance, no matter the cost. 

“Dean,” you take a deep breath, your voice soft but strong as you smile sadly up at him. “It’s true, whether you see it that way or not. It has to be you. Every time.” You swallow and take his hand in yours.

“Well that’s too damn bad because I won’t let you,” his voice cracks slightly as he takes in your words, his hands squeezing yours.

You laugh, humorless.

“Dean, I’m not planning on going anywhere. I’m actively trying not to die.” This earns you a green-eyed glance. “But if I do, you are not allowed to do anything to bring me back.” You shake your head, your voice lighter but the truth strong. “If you give your life to bring me back I will literally find the nearest bridge and will jump off of it just to spite you in the afterlife. So don’t even think about it.” That earns a silent chuckle from Dean as he looks away from you, shaking his head. Yes, your voice was light, but it was the truth. He was the world’s guardian, and you couldn’t let him do anything stupid just because he would be grieving.

He takes a deep breath and looks back to you before pulling you into his chest, his chin resting on your head as you relax into him.

“Besides, I’m safe now, so there’s nothing for you to worry about. I’ll be back behind my laptop screen soon enough.” His chest vibrates as he laughs and you smile against him.

A moment passes before he pushes you away slightly, just enough so he can look down at you with a soft smile on his face. You reach up on your toes and bring your lips to his, gentle at first until his hands reach up to cup your chin, deepening the kiss.

If there’s one thing you knew about Dean Winchester, he wasn’t a man of many words. But actions, that was his language, and you knew he needed to show you his relief and love now that you were both safe and your conversation behind you.

Dean’s tongue brushes against yours, your body pressing into his as you start to walk you backwards. With a practiced movement, you jump up and wrap your legs around Dean’s waist as his hands cup your ass. You lean your chest against him as your arms wrap around his neck, your kisses getting faster, needier.

Without breaking the kiss, Dean lowers you onto the bed and you release your legs from his waist, but keep your arms around his neck as you pull him down with you. Dean lowers his body over you, not putting his weight on you just yet as you break the kiss and start trailing your lips up and down his neck, stopping to suck on the skin under his ear as you feel his hips roll above you. You can’t help but smirk that even after all this time, you still have this effect on him with just a few lingering kisses.

He pulls away to look down at you, relief and lust in his eyes as he looks you over.

You raise your hands over your head, swallowing down the pain in your back, knowing if Dean sees you wince, he would stop the both of you, and you didn’t want that. You needed this as much as he did.

Dean immediately recognizes your action as your silent signal to start undressing you, and he carefully reaches down, his fingers brushing under your top and tickling your torso as he lifts your shirt up and pulls it over your head. His eyes shimmer as he stares at the sight your breasts, and you arch your back as he lowers himself over you, his hands reaching behind you before he starts fiddling with your bra hook as your lips find his neck again now that he’s so close.

The hook finally pops and you shimmy the straps down your shoulders as Dean pulls the fabric away, your breath hitching as the cool air hits your bare breasts. Dean smirks, a glint in his eye as he stares you down while his mouth wraps up around your right breast, your body buckling as his hand travels up your thigh before cupping your middle. You let out a groan, your body arching as his teeth graze your nipple, causing you to gasp suddenly as his hand tightens on your crouch in response. Your core clenches between the different pressures and you whine, “Dean” as you wiggle your hips, needing him to get your pants off so he can get closer.

His lips leave your breast and he chuckles as his hands come to your waist before he pops the button of your jeans. Without missing a beat, you lift your hips as he starts to tug the fabric down your legs until you’re left in nothing but your underwear. At the edge of the bed, Dean tears off his shirt and undoes the buckle to his pants, before stepping out of them, his erection obvious against his boxers. You smile at the sight, and your legs clench together with the anticipation of what’s to come.

“You just gonna stand there or what?” You tease as his eyes continue to roam over you. But with your words, he strides over to the bed and is suddenly hovering over you. He smirks down at you as his hands find the waist of your panties, and you moan as two of his fingers dip inside you.

Breathless sighs escape your lips as he continues to move within you, the pressure building. His mouth is suddenly on your left breast, his teeth biting down and rolling across your nipple as his fingers dance in a maddeningly uneven beat. Your body bucks as his speed picks up until suddenly your whole body is shuddering against Dean’s as your core tightens and implodes inside you. 

You’re panting as your body begins to relax back into the bed, and when you open your eyes, Dean is smiling down at you, eyes shining as he admires his work. 

“Jesus Christ, Dean,” your chest heaves as you try to catch your breath. 

“We’re not done yet, sweetheart,” Dean smirks and leans down to capture your lips. His fingers leave your panties, and this time, he pulls them down completely and tosses them across the room. 

In a quick motion, he discards his boxers, his erection popping free and standing proudly in front of you. 

“Ready, sweetheart?”

“Always, Dean.”

Dean lowers himself back to you slowly, lining himself up before pushing into you. You sigh in relief as he fills you, the aching pressure in your core replaced fully by him. 

He begins to move in you slowly and purposefully. Back and forth, back and forth, hitting deep inside you as a slow burn resonates from within as you moan from the friction. You hear Dean’s voice catch in his throat, but you’re too lost in the feeling of him to fully notice.

His hand finds yours and you lock your fingers around his as he hits into you deliberately and deep, a welcomed change to your usually fast and dirty. But this isn’t about pleasure, not entirely. This is about love, about relief, about safety. 

The knot inside you continues to grow as he hits as far back as he can go, your other hand digging into his back, needing a way to release some of the ache that builds inside of you. 

You moan aloud, the burn becoming too much as your thighs tighten around his waist, holding him in place as you explode around him. Your walls are pulsating,  your eyes rolling back, and he starts up his motion again, a feral sound leaving your lips as he continues to pump inside of you until you hear the sound of his pleasure as his body shudders and he releases inside of you.

Your heart is pounding against your chest, your hair stuck to your slick forehead as Dean’s weight collapses on top of you, his own body rising and falling as he attempts to catch his breath. You love the feeling of him on you after he cums. The weight of his world off of his shoulders, even just for a few minutes as he relaxes into you.

You place a hand on his cheek, under his cut that will need attention once you’re both ready to get up. 

“I love you,” you whisper, the silence of the room now a welcomed friend among both of your heavy breathes. 

Dean leans into your touch and places a kiss on your palm, everything that needed to be said laid out on the bed. 

“Always gonna keep you safe, sweetheart.” 

[allaboutthebooz]

You Don't Know Her, Like I Do

Summary: Dean and Y/N call it quits and this is the aftermath.

Warnings: So much angst

A/N: It's been soooo long since I've written SPN and this has so much angst, but it isn't my writing if it isn't angsty. Written for my bestie @dnnwnchstr22, she gave me the song 'You Don't Know Her Like I Do' by Brantley Gilbert and the inspiration! I hope you love it! Enjoy!

P.S I'm not sure if this will be a oneshot or a mini series, so I'm not sure if I will be adding a taglist for it.

Sam walked through the door of The Bunker’s garage door hauling in the rest of the luggage from their last hunt. He normally would be mad about being left to bring everything in himself, but considering what happened, he can’t blame Dean for wanting to get away as soon as possible.

He had seen Dean and Y/N argue before, but never like this. He never thought he’d see the day that they would walk away from each other. No matter what they fought about, they always made up and loved each other. He’s not sure what changed or when. Just that now Y/N was gone, and he was at a loss of how to help his brother.

Sam left the bags by the stairs of the main entrance and heads to the library, finding Dean already sitting at one of tables with the whiskey bottle sitting open in front of him, no glass in sight. “Dean-“

“Don’t. Just leave it Sammy.” His older brothers gruff voice whispers.

“But Dean, you can’t-“

“I said to leave it alone, Sam.” Dean rattles off, voice a little louder and stern. He meant it.

“Alright, but if you want to talk, you know I’ll always listen.”

Dean just nods. Sam walks over to the same table, pulling out the chair across from Dean, and sitting with him. Dean grabs the bottle off the table and takes a long drink from it, filling his cheeks before tearing the glass away from his lips and swallowing the liquid.

He’s not sure how long they sat like that because next thing he knew, their mom was opening the main entrance and coming down the stairs.

“Hey guys. How was the hunt?” Mary asks, a smile gracing her features.

“Easy.” Dean said, not giving any details.

“That’s good.” She says, noticing the tension rolling off her two boys. Sticking her hands in the back pockets of her jeans, she looks around. “Where’s Y/N?”

Sam winces.

“Gone.”

“Oh? Did she go on another hunt by herself?”

“Nope.”

“Then where did she go?”

“Mom, just leave it.” Sam tells her, trying to hint that she should drop the subject.

“Did you two break up?” she persists.

“If you have to fucking know, yeah, we did.”

“Well.” She tips her head a bit in a ‘good riddance’ gesture.

“Whatever you have to say, just say it.” Dean snaps out.

“I was just gonna say, I think we are all better off without her. Especially you.”

“Mom, please. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Sam urges, seeing Dean’s anger growing.

“What? I’m just saying…that she didn’t seem like a good fit. Don’t worry, you’ll find someone else.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Dean grits out. “You don’t know her like I do. You don’t know what we’ve been through.”

“I’ve seen enough to know that you can do better.”

“You think you’re helping, but you’re not. Y/N is my best friend and has been around a lot longer than you. We’ve been to hell and back, literally. We started in this life together because of our dads. We’ve had to watch each other die. She’s saved Sam’s life more than you ever will.”

“Dean, I was just-“

“No, I know what you were doing, but you can stop. I love her and I always will. I might not be it for her, but she’s it for me. So, if I have to let her go so that she can be happy, then so be it. I’ll do what I always do and bury it. But you” He points a finger at her. “will not say a bad word about her. You don’t know her like I do. Like Sam does. So, take your high and might bullshit and get out of my face.” He snatches the bottle off the wooden surface again and takes a swig.

“Mom, just go. You’re not helping.”

Looking like a kicked puppy, Mary sags into herself. “Okay. Let me know if you need anything.”

“We’re good.” Dean tells her, not even looking at her.

The brothers fall back into silence as their distant mother heads back to her room. After a minute, Dean stands up, bottle in hand. He chucks it at the wall behind him and it shatters, glass and whiskey flying. Sam flinches slightly. He watches Dean turn back around and lean his hands on the chair, letting a yell rip through him. He watches his big brother take a breath, run his hands through his hair as tears fall down his freckled face.

Sam stands from his place at the table and walks around to Dean. “Dean.”

“I feel like I can’t fucking breathe, Sam. It’s like she took everything that I am with her.”

“I know. What can I do?”

“Find her? Just make sure she’s okay.”

Sam nods. “Okay. Let me see what I can do.”

Dean nods and Sam pulls his big brother into him, hugging him for as long as he needs.

TAGS:

Forevers- @jamielea81 @dnnwnchstr22 @also-fangirlinsweden

[thewincestgospel]

Hello. Do you know of any fics where the boys are civilians, like because Mary didn't die so they never become hunters? But they still end up together?

I got you!

Regular Smegular Winchesters

Aftermath by Lichterin Dean gets in a car accident and Sam is a very worried little brother.

Anywhere Road by paxlux The Winchester boys don’t run no other way.

Bitchface No. 5 - There's a new kid in school and Sam is being a bitch, but Dean doesn't see how the two things are related.

Brother by CleverUsernameHere A few months after his 18th birthday, Sam makes the decision to finally reach out to his biological family. He finds he has a mother, Mary and a father named John. He also learns he has a brother named Dean, who he’s encountered before in a very non-brotherly way

Cheat by babybrotherdean  Dean hates that they’re still doing this.

Close Your Eyes  by sonofabiscuit77 There are some relationships so taboo they’re irresistible… After John and Mary break up when Sam is 11, Sam moves away with Mary and his new step-father while Dean stays in Kansas with John. Fast-forward 12 years and John is dead, Sam’s just returned from Europe, and Dean’s gone and married a billionaire and become a male model. As the boys reconnect, Sam becomes increasingly fascinated by this successful, happily-married version of the big brother he barely knows, a fascination that soon turns into an overwhelming mutual obsession.

Counting Bodies Like Sheep by abeautifullie3 Sam D'Eboli is a mobster. Special Agent Dean Winchester is assigned to take him down. Dean's okay with that double entendre...until he isn't. A connection that won't be denied, and secrets revealed, Dean's objective may no longer be the same as the FBI's.

for you as yet by elanorelle AU. Mary lives. Some things change, some things don't, and Dean's just postponing the inevitable.

Happy Families by majesticduxk Human AU. Sam’s a Fed. Dean’s tied up in the crime world. That makes for awkward family dinners. Lots of animosity there that they work through via fucking hard.

Homecoming by sammyatstanford Dean picks Sam up from the airport when he comes home for summer break.

Kings Of The Field by HandsAcrossTheSea “Uh, is that supposed to make me feel better?” “No, but it means you can make jokes with Dean later about how well he handles balls.” Sam isn’t going to dignify that with an answer, not matter how right she is.

Letting The Days Go By by roxymissrose Ever since Dean pushed Sam away and into a normal life, Dean's been spiraling downwards. He's screwing up on the job. He's never gotten over his dad's death. He's not sure he loves his girlfriend anymore. Sam hates his guts and with good reason, what kind of jerk sleeps with their little brother's prom date? He's backslid and fallen off the wagon, he's worrying his mom to death. The problem is he doesn't really remember living this miserable life

[lover lay down] by ephemerall - He hadn’t realized just how much damage he’d done until Sam backed away from a simple touch.  He’d pushed Sam away for what he thought were all the right reasons, but he was only realizing now that he’d maybe gone a step too far, pushed a little too hard.

Picking Up My Shatter World by blackrose_17 At one time Sam and Dean used to be close then one day it all changed and Dean couldn’t stand to be around his nerdy little brother. Sam was sure that Dean realised his more than brotherly love that he carried for Dean and that’s why he hated the very sight of Sam and he vowed to move on from Dean. Enter Jessica Moore who Sam was sure could be the one to help him get over Dean.

Two years later Sam is unhappily married to Jess and the only joy he has in his life is his son Jaden, until his world comes crashing down around him as he learns the truth that his wife has been having an affair with Dean and the little boy he adores might not be his son. After a confrontation that ends with Sam sole parent of his son, he vows to never let anyone hurt him that deeply again. Can Dean make amends for all the hurt he caused Sam in his strange attempt to protect Sam from the feelings that Dean was sure Sam could never feel for him. Can the brothers overcome years of pain and hurt to see the love they was sure would forever be unrequited was returned all along?

Pink (Is My Favorite Crayon) by plirio Sam’s eighteen now. And he’s a ceremony away from being a free agent, a summer away from being a college student. Apparently, that’s all they needed to start this.

Or, in which all Sam wants this summer is Dean. And Dean’s more than happy to provide.

The Psychology of Genetic Sexual Attraction by  sonofabiscuit77 “…50% of of reunions between siblings, or parents and offspring, separated at birth result in obsessive emotions…” This story begins in 2001 in a garage in Palo Alto when 18-year old Stanford student, Sam Sharma plucks up the courage to ask car mechanic, Dean Cooper, out for a cup of coffee.   Their attraction is instantaneous and overwhelming, and the relationship that develops seems perfect.  Except nothing is really perfect, and this particular love story started a long time before Sam and Dean even met.  Wincest non-hunting AU. This is my attempt at a boys-don’t-know-they’re-brothers story.

Saving Himself by jessie_cristo Sam (17) and Dean (21) got to grow up with their Mom & Dad in their lives; like a normal family. Even if they didn’t grow up in each other’s pockets, alone and always on the move… they are still soulmates. That fact had made them close growing up, but Sam has turned into a typical angsty teen and has been pushing Dean away for the past year. Dean had attributed it to Sam being a brat, but he finds out in one momentous night that his Sammy is no longer a little kid.

A Thousand Miles to Get There by alakewood Dean's not quite sure when it happened, but somewhere along the line he and Sam started messing around – it started with chaste kisses and graduated to more physical expressions of their desire. And, at some point, he fell in love with his little brother. Now, while on a cross-country roadtrip with his family, in the deceptive privacy of their RV, Dean has to prove to Sam that going away to college isn't going to change how he feels.

The Winchester Family by ashwitch AU where the Winchester family runs a city, a plotbunny I couldn't get out of my head after seeing the 300th episode photoshoot

Verses Like Yours and Mine by rivers_bend Sam and Dean are regular brothers--no hunting, no demons--who fall in love anyway.

[norahastuff]

penny for your thoughts on salmondean codependency ?

Sure. Fair warning it’s long (was longer but I stopped myself.)

I think it’s complicated in a show that’s had so many different showrunners because they’ve all handled Sam and Dean’s relationship very differently. In Kripke’s era (s1-5) there was a romanticization of the bond. Sure there was a lot of in-depth exploration of how they wound up at the place they were at, spoiler alert: it was all because of John and his obsessive crusade to find the demon that killed his wife. That’s all he cared about and as a result, Sam and Dean had to be everything to each other. But Kripke had no intention of dismantling that at any point because he was (and always had been) writing a tragedy. Gamble continued that too. There was no room for anyone else in their lives and it would always just be the two of them against the world. So Cas had to go. Bobby had to go.

(Actually, it's funny because Gamble didn't intend this at the time, her plan was to kill Cas off, but by Edlund creating the masterpiece that is The Man Who Would Be King, he not only saved Cas from being seen as a villain, but he also deepened Dean and Cas' relationship in such a profound way and inextricably linked the two of them emotionally. And since Cas was eventually brought back, that laid the foundation for a lot of what their relationship would become.)

Up until this point, there hadn’t really been any significant dismantling of perhaps the more unhealthy parts of Sam and Dean’s relationship. Enter Carver. He stripped things down and started to explore what drove these characters. What they wanted and why they couldn’t have it. It starts with Dean being mad at Sam for not looking for him in purgatory, which sets up the whole speech in the s8 finale of Sam’s guilt about letting Dean down, but the thing is, Dean was never honest with Sam about his year away either. He never told Sam he could have gotten out much sooner if he hadn’t stayed to find Cas. I mean Dean had assumed Sam was up there alone doing God knows what to try to bring him back, and yet still he stayed in Purgatory because things were clear there. He needed Cas. Anyway, I just find that interesting, but Cas isn’t a victim of Sam and Dean’s relationship in s8.

Who gets the honour of being cast aside? That would be Benny and Amelia, two characters they introduced in s8 specifically to highlight that Sam and Dean’s relationship doesn’t allow for anyone else to be a significant part of their life. I mean that’s nothing new, we’ve watched that happen many times before. Lisa even said as much to Dean. The thing is this time? It’s framed as a truly sad thing. That moment at the end of 8x10 when Dean has just ended things with Benny and Sam leaves Amelia, and they’re sitting alone drinking beer and watching tv is such a hollow empty moment. This is not what they want. But it’s the way things have to be.

I’m actually fascinated by Sam and Dean’s conversation in the church in the s8 finale. Not so much Dean’s assertion that there is no one else he would put before Sam, but more so what provokes it, which is Sam saying “who are you going to turn to instead of me. Another angel? Another vampire?” See the thing is Dean saying he would always put Sam first is not news. We know this and it’s not really an unhealthy statement in itself either. A lot of people would put their sibling above anything else, not less a sibling who you raised and is the most important person to you. But in this context? After what Sam said? It just highlights how unhealthy they are if Sam believes that Dean having other people in his life means he doesn’t love him enough. That he’s a disappointment to him. That’s so profoundly fucked up.

(Note, Dean tells Sam that he killed Benny for him but he doesn’t say anything about Cas. I think like I said before, this is because Cas and Dean’s relationship has largely existed out of the Sam and Dean stuff up to this point - Sam and Cas don’t even really have much of a relationship yet besides both of their connections to Dean.)

And then from here, things start getting steadily worse. But we also keep being shown how bad they are. Dean lying to Sam, taking away his free will by letting Gadreel possess him. Dean sending Cas away, Kevin dying. It’s all awful. The whole “there ain’t no me if there ain’t no you line” from 9x01 isn’t really said by Dean, it’s Gadreel, but that is how Dean feels. He does think that’s all he’s good for. And over the season we’re shown how much of himself and what he truly wants he’s had to give up because of his ingrained “Save Sammy” and “Sammy comes first” mentality. It’s always been this way for him. In 9x07 we see that he had found a happy home, a good father figure, and his first love, a first love might I add that he had to leave behind with no real explanation because Sam needed him, and Sam comes first.

I mean just one episode earlier we had him rushing out the door elated about seeing Cas and spending time with him, only for their time together to come to sad and melancholic end when Dean once again leaves Cas behind without any real explanation, because despite what he wants Sammy comes first. What he wants doesn’t matter.

See I think after the Gadreel stuff comes out is where the narrative starts to get a little wonky for me. You can clearly see that this was intended to be a shorter story that they ended up stretching out to a much longer one because of renewals. There’s also the fact that this is a formula show so they can’t necessarily be separated for longer than an episode or two. S10 is a rough one to get through at times, I think the themes still mostly hold up but it’s a rough one to get through.

S10 highlights all the connections that Dean has, Cas, Charlie, Crowley even, but Sam doesn’t really have those bonds in the same way.  For Sam it’s just Dean, so he goes down a reckless destructive “do anything to save Dean!” path and so many innocents pay the price, and ultimately with the release of The Darkness, the whole world.

They skirted right up to the edge of exploring just how toxic and dangerous their relationship had become in the season 10 finale.

DEAN: I let Rudy die. How was that not evil? I know what I am, Sam. But who were you when you drove that man to sell his soul... Or when you bullied Charlie into getting herself killed? And to what end? A..a good end? A just end? To remove the Mark no matter what the consequences? Sam, how is that not evil? I have this thing on my arm, and you're willing to let the Darkness into the world.

I can’t say evil is the right word, they were never evil, but they were wilfully blind to everything and everyone else when it came to saving each other. S10 tested my love for the show because after watching it, because there was certainly a feeling that the two of them had become the villains of this story. And don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have a problem with that, it’s just after 2 seasons of this I can’t say I had a lot of faith that this was going to be properly addressed or if we were going to keep going in circles around it. Keep being shown, it’s bad and then nothing much being done to fix it. Your mileage may vary on how it was handled, but I think s11 did a relatively ok job considering it wasn’t the end of the story, and the show needed to keep going.

See from Dean’s side a lot of the codependency rests on 1. His father’s orders to always save Sammy 2. His low self-esteem where he sees himself as nothing but a blunt instrument. 3. His guilt at not being able to perfectly fulfil every familial role in Sam’s life 4. His belief that no one could choose to love him but family has to love you. 5. The unhealthy example of what it should look like to love someone that he got from John. You give up everything but them.

For Sam (and honestly it’s not as clear for me as Dean’s side is so feel free to correct me/disagree on this) 1. Everytime he’s tried to leave and create his own life it’s never ended well. 2. His guilt over wanting freedom and a normal life when he was younger (I’m referring specifically to Stanford era here) 3. His guilt over everything Dean has given up for him. 4. John. 5. Jess.

Ultimately it all comes down to isolation. They both had to be everything to each other, and the deeper they got into this fight, the more people that they lost, the tighter they clung to this notion of family and brothers. I think s11 (and 11x23 in particular) was an important turning point, both for Sam and Dean’s relationship, as well as for them as individuals. Because they weren’t alone there anymore. Cas was there. Sam let Dean walk to his death. Of course, it would devastate him, but he knew it was what had to be done. And he didn’t walk out of that bar and go back to the bunker alone. He had Cas, he had someone who cared about him and wanted to help him and talk to him. Sure Dean asked Cas to take care of Sam for him (you know after Cas offered to walk to his death with him) but Sam let him. He let him be there for him. We didn’t get to see much before the BMOL showed up and blasted Cas away, but still, we saw enough.

I think that’s a significant difference to note why their relationship was different in the Dabb era. It wasn’t just them anymore. Cas was an important member of their family and given a level of importance he’d never been given before and couldn’t have been when the story they were telling was of the dangers of their codependency. Mary was back. Eventually, Jack would become a part of their unit too. Just the two of them wasn’t enough for them anymore. This is made abundantly clear with all of Dean’s desperate attempts to get Cas to stay in s12, followed by his inability to keep going when they lose Cas and Mary in s13. Similarly, Sam really struggles when they lose Jack and fail to get Mary back later in the season.

Another big moment is Dean letting Sam go alone to lead the hunters against the BMOL in 12x22 while he stays back to try and reach Mary. Like he tells Mary, he’s had to be a brother, a father and a mother to Sam and he never stopped seeing him as his kid, but in that moment he makes a choice. He lets Sam take charge and he shows that he trusts him and believes in him. He knows he can handle it.

Sometimes it’s not even a character growth thing. Sometimes having other people there stops you from making destructive choices even though that’s still your first instinct. I’m thinking specifically of 13x21 after Sam was killed. Dean would have run headlong into that nest of vampires and got himself torn apart, but Cas was there to stop him. He was able to make him see reason.

Basically, I think that for a long time, they thought the only relationship they could have was each other, which then became a self-fulfilling prophecy because their desperate attempts to keep each other around led to them losing the people around them. They eventually started to learn that that wasn’t true, they could have more, they were allowed to want more, and that it wasn’t an either-or situation. Dean didn’t have to choose between Sam and Cas. They didn’t have to choose between each other or Jack. The same goes for Mary. Different relationships can coexist without threatening each other, and not say that their relationship in s12-15 was all smooth sailing, but it was certainly so very different from everything that came before.

(There’s maybe a point to be made about how they didn’t have anyone or anything in the finale and how that relates to the story we got, but honestly I have no idea what the intention was with any of the choices made in that episode so I’ll leave it at that for now.)