#dead brother = magic focused trauma

[foundfamilyhq]

Below is propaganda submitted in support of why this character should join the tumblr found family:

Like other characters in the game, he takes inspiration (both visual and thematic) from a disney villain. As such, while he is heavily Judge Frollo coded, he himself is not just bishiefied Frollo. Instead of being a racist prick, his beef with the other characters is their use of magic (which he has as well). This is because before he unlocked his magic, he had a brother that had unlocked fire magic (similar to Rollo here) but had less control so the fire consumed him without any of the adult mages stopping and saving his brother. As such, he wants to eliminate all magic (including his own) to spare others a fate like that which befell his brother. So the boy needs a hug and some damn therapy, both of which we can give him should he become part of the tumblr found family. (Also he's got a great work ethic and various skills such as event planning, cleaning, and dress making. So we can get help with that from him too if he joins.)

[sewersaga]

HOPEDRUNK EVERASKING: moze, jing yuan, aventurine x reader

header art creds: nixeu on patreon! pls go support them bc this is almost exactly how i picture reader lol

pairings: foxian reader x unnamed individual (for the plot,) foxian reader x moze, foxian reader x jing yuan, foxian reader x aventurine(end game), (all separately but in the same timeline she's an old slutty fox ok)

warnings: implied sa/coerced sex, trauma tm, sexual cotent (the closest i'll EVER get to smut, too much yapping, none of the pairings except the last one are healthy so if you're a moze or jy stan idk what to tell you, no names are used on purpose but it's pretty obvious who's who, the first man is not a canon character!! read this for more context on the last few paragraphs

bee talk: this is an extension to the aforementioned fic set in @kii-nami and i’s hsr universe! (hence the mention of her gorgeous angelic lovely glorious oc alisa in the last section) i owe her my high school diploma and firstborn child

word count: 11.5k

When you were a little girl, you dreamed of a fairy tale romance.

You’d hide your face behind your books, pretending to study the various medicines and their uses so not as to fail your tutor’s harsh examinations, but your mind was worlds away. Back then, nothing was off limits, nothing too selfish, too rash, too inconceivable. 

Yes, a noble youth would indeed one day sweep you off your feet, and take you far, far away from this life filled with pressures and scorn. It was a naive little dream, but it was all yours nonetheless. 

At night, awake amongst your schoolwork and your notes, you’d imagine what such a man would be like. He had to be handsome, of course. Charming. Being rich would be a nice bonus, too.

He had to be able to make you laugh when the expectations of your family made you want to curl up in a ball and cry. And when you inevitably shattered, he’d have to be willing to piece you back together again. 

When you were a young adult, freshly graduated and bright eyed, you learned that real life romance didn’t work that way. You couldn’t just conjure up an image of your ideal suitor and expect him to materialize before you like magic. Still, your heart had an irksome little tendency to attach itself to the wrong people. 

The first one came to you, bruised and bloodied. 

Battle had wrought upon him its fair share of injuries, crimson red in various states of drying smeared upon his tanned skin. Despite his condition, the only wound you were tasked to stitch was a small gash on his chest, a few centimeters below his collarbone. 

Despite not being new anymore,  the contusions your brother assigned you to treat were nothing more than busy work for someone of your knowledge. You got the feeling he wanted to keep you as far away from the horrors of war as possible, but one didn’t need to see dying men to hear their mournful cries. 

The man winced as you stitched his laceration closed, casting his gaze somewhere behind you, fixed upon the dead and the dying that surrounded him. “Did you need more painkillers?” 

He blinked, turning back to you as if remembering your presence. “No. It doesn’t hurt.”

“Oh,” You spoke softly, your hands never halting their ministrations. The wound was small enough that you were already almost done, and considering his overall condition, the pinching pain of the needle was probably the least of his worries. “You flinched, so I thought I was hurting you.”

“It’s not you,” You felt his gaze upon you, and hyper focused on your work, you refused to look into his eyes, afraid of what you might find there. “Have you ever seen a patient die?”

You stopped abruptly, his sudden inquiry leaving you sufficiently rattled. “What?” You looked up, but his attention was elsewhere, focused upon the other wounded patients in various states of agony. Realizing he wasn’t going to elaborate and meant exactly what he had asked, you sighed. “Not one of my patients, no. But in this line of work, people are always going to die.”

He laughed, and you bristled, tying off a surgeon’s knot with more force than intended. “Aren’t you too young to be speaking like that?” He craned his head to look down at you, his tail swaying slowly behind him with mild amusement. “How old are you, anyways?”

“Not much younger than you,” You replied, beginning the final stitch. “Haven’t you ever learned it’s rude to ask a woman her age?” He chuckled again, and you poked the skin of his chest. “Stay still, or I’ll never finish.”

“What if that’s what I want?” He asked, rather brazenly, and you shook your head almost subconsciously. 

“I don’t care what you want,” You tied off the final knot. “And unless you want to end up like those dead patients you care so much about, make sure to keep this clean.” You put your instruments to the side and he leaned back, letting out a sigh of relief. You realized then that despite what he had said, the process had been rather painful, if not uncomfortable at the very least. “And try to stay alive, alright?”

“Sure, sure. I look forward to seeing you again.” He stood up, stretching with a light groan despite the mangled state his body was in. You watched him limp away with mild horror as he threw you an absentminded wave. 

“You won’t.” You stated resolutely, but he was already too far down to hear you. 

He was right, of course. You saw him again on many, many different occasions. Sometimes he’d have a minor wound that just absolutely required your attention. Other times he requested a consultation with his favorite medical professional over whatever splendid meal your brother and the other cooks had prepared for dinner. The night he stole you away from the camp, you realized you’d fallen for him.

You watched him under the waning moonlight, sharing a bottle of rice liquor he’d somehow taken from the field hospital. He’d worked his way into your heart rather easily. But it wasn’t a bad thing then, your vulnerability, your propensity to fall wholly and completely.

“You’re such a liar, [Name].” Despite addressing you directly, he didn’t meet your gaze, his own fixed upon the stars. 

“What do you mean?” He took a swig of liquor. There were so many stars that night. 

“You act like you don’t give a shit,” You scoffed abruptly, snatching the bottle from his loose hold. The liquid burned your throat. You weren’t yet used to drinking, and your mind felt clouded with a heady sort of fogginess. “But you care about every single one of those patients more than anyone else.” 

“I don’t.” You shake your head, blinking away your disorientation. You stared ahead, and your head felt so heavy that your body began to lean upon him almost subconsciously. “I don’t care.”

“You’re a liar,”  He repeated, much softer. His hand cautiously wound its way upon your back to adjust you to an upright position, but found itself more comfortable around your waist. You didn’t move, nor did you complain. “It’s not a weakness, you know. Caring about people.”

“You think I don’t know that?” You spoke bitterly, but hardly above a whisper. He was so close then that you could hear every breath, feel the rising and falling of his chest. He lifted the bottle to his lips with a shaking hand. “If I care about them, and they all die, then what does that leave me with?”

“Your heart,” He was so close then. Your head felt so heavy. The stars were blurry and bright. “Your empathy. Lose that, and then there would really be nothing left of you.” 

“You have the wrong idea of me.” You were hardly aware of the way you were nuzzling yourself further into his side, conscious only of the warmth of his body, and barely of the words he spoke almost directly into your ear. 

“You can say that, but you know that I’m right,” The hand around your waist pulled you closer into himself, as if such a thing were even possible. Your vision was hazy, and every sensation felt amplified. “I like you, [Name].” You parted your lips to respond, but they were met with the mouth of the bottle that he held to your lips. You swallowed as he tilted it upwards, no longer feeling the pain of its acrid taste upon your tongue. His free hand found your chin as he set the bottle somewhere on the ground beside you, wiping a stray drop of liquor from your bottom lip. 

“I like you, too.” You said those four words for the first time, your face in his tight grip. He kissed you, tasting like rice liquor and fallen stars. 

He wasn’t anything like that imaginary lover you’d dreamed up as a little girl. Not even close. But still, you loved him, and he needed you. 

You had information he didn’t have, secrets discussed in clandestine rooms by ailing officers receiving treatment. You had a body to keep him warm at night, his grip upon you as tight as it was that night he kissed you under the stars. You gave him everything you had, even when the only thing you wanted was to be left alone.

Or, perhaps, the only thing you wanted was to be wanted. It didn’t matter, because everything soon came crumbling down, coating you in ashes and stardust. 

There was so much death, so much destruction. Had you known he was working with them you would have never—

But you had. You had unknowingly done the worst thing you could have ever done. And it was already done. They were already dead. There was nothing you could do to save them. 

So, you had no choice but to leave. Traitor, rogue, fool. All of these descriptors could be attributed to you. But they could never call you a liar, for you had never loved him with anything less than your whole heart. 

The second one appeared to pull you from the endless shadows of the abyss.

Some years after the disaster, you remained in the most desolate corners of the Yaoqing in an impromptu self imposed exile. Every night you’d lay down restlessly, tortured by the cries of the dead and damned echoing in your ears, and every morning you’d wake up with their blood between your teeth. It was an unbearable sort of existence, but every cell of your being knew that you deserved it. 

And you knew that you weren’t the one who suffered. Not really. You knew it was your cross to bear as the one responsible to live with the guilt of what you had done. Running away was selfish enough, and you found the endless punishment of remembering your misdeeds each and every day to be more than fitting. 

And thus you punished yourself, every single day. Cold river baths, freezing nights spent underneath the elements, deadly medicine trials. You’d do anything to feel a fraction of the pain and suffering you’d indirectly wrought upon others.

Yes, you’d continued to hone your skills even under such circumstances, collecting medicinal herbs and creating various antidotal elixirs in the subconscious hope that one of them would kill you.  It was a self centered, cowardly wish, but it was all yours nonetheless. 

Each night you spent in exile, those long dashed dreams of romance turned into feverish vignettes of death. It teased you, seduced you relentlessly, and each time you awoke in a cold sweat, wasting away further and further by the day. Your obsession with self deprivation quickly grew out of hand, and you hadn’t realized how sick you were becoming despite the evidence making itself known upon your person. 

One night, you danced with death itself. It held you like you were the finest treasure in the world, kissed you like you were too good to give up. Death dripped venom upon your lips, and you swallowed it like sweet ambrosia. 

And then, it disappeared into nothing, crow-feathered and equally as fleeting. 

You didn’t wake up that morning. Or the next one. Or the morning after that. 

They told you that you’d been asleep for five days. The kind folks of a small village on the fringe of the Yaoqing had diligently cared for you, patched up the wounds from your exposure to the elements and nursed you through your medicine and hypothermia induced fever. 

They didn’t know who you were, of course. News traveled slowly to this region, and to them, you were simply a weary, sick traveler in need of their aid. 

It took a while to get them to tell you how you’d ended up here in the first place. Your impromptu research “base” had been far from all facets of civilization, you’d made sure of that fact. And of course, you weren’t exactly in the state to ask many questions when you’d first woken up. 

Once your fever had finally broken, the woman caring for you became candid about the good samaritan who’d saved your life. “He was an odd gentleman. Didn’t say a single word. Dark clothing, hood over his head, ashy hair. Brought you here cradled in his arms like you were a treasure.” You weren’t sure how to respond. 

You left early the next morning while the village was asleep. The night was so quiet, and with the whispers of your deal with death at your heels, you made for the forest from whence you came.

It took an entire day to make it back to your previous spot. Whoever the man was who brought you to your caretakers had to have had either superhuman speed, strength, or both. Not to mention the gall to disappear before you could thank him properly. 

It didn’t matter. Now that you were healed, you were ready to settle into your old routine.

But you realized while collecting some herbs for an antidote that it seemed a little odd to continue your pursuit for reprieve when someone, mysterious as he may be, had put so much effort to drag you from the abyss with his bare hands. 

Almost subconsciously, you dropped the handful of plants you were holding. Your body moved on its own while your mind remained preoccupied, searching every dark corner of the area for some sort of sign. The wind obfuscated your search, rustling the leaves of the trees, and your shadow taunted you with its insistent presence as the sun set in the westward direction of that little village.

Having thoroughly run through your options, you stopped in the middle of a clearing. You noticed for the first time after your long day of travel that you were exhausted, and suspected that perhaps you hadn’t fully healed from your bout of illness. Instinctively, your gaze drifted to a patch of the herbs from earlier just a few meters away from you, the bright flowers seeming to beckon to you. You stood up, intending to heed their call. Perhaps now was as good a time as any to—

“Looking for someone?” A quiet, almost uncertain voice spoke from the farthest reaches of the clearing. You froze, lithe fingers brushing against the leathery petals of the poisonous flower. 

Frightened and suddenly hopeful, you glanced over your shoulder only to find no one there. You turned your attention back to the flowers, and the wind pummeled at your back with unknown urgency. A ghostlike tap on your shoulder, and you turned around to find him standing behind you. 

Tall, hooded, clothed in dark hues, and ashen haired, he looked exactly as the woman had described him. Despite having shown himself to you, there was an air of insecurity to him, as if he was unsure of exactly why he’d done what he did. 

Still, he tilted his head at you inquisitively, seemingly content to stay silent until you’d given him an answer. 

“Yes,” He didn’t react, continuing to stare at you in that odd, unreadable way. “What are you doing here?”

“What are you doing here?” He returned your question, his gaze flickering toward the patch of foliage behind you. “And after I took you all that way to the village.” 

“It was you.” You responded incredulously rather than answer his question. “I’ve been wanting to thank you, but they say you disappeared before I even woke up.” You tilted your head at him, mirroring his actions. “Why?”

“There was no further need for my presence.” He stated bluntly, once more glancing behind you. You fidgeted with your hands behind your back like a guilty child. “You still haven’t answered my question.”

“Oh,” You were sufficiently caught off guard by his lack of willingness to allow you to skirt around the question. “Well, I thought I might have left some things back here. Medicines and such,” You unwittingly and rather tellingly gestured to the plants that seemed to be so very intriguing to him. “Just wanted to come back and check.”

“Wrong answer,” He stated matter of factly, and your eyebrows furrowed. “You didn’t have much with you, but I left all your belongings and medicines with the villagers.” He blinked, his expression as unchanging as if he hadn’t completely called your bluff. “I made sure to warn them that one dose too many could kill the average Foxian.”

“How did you manage to carry me and my stuff too?” You quickly redirected the conversation, crossing your arms over your chest and sincerely hoping to distract him from discovering the real reason behind your return. 

“Simple. I have pockets.” He showed you the insides of his cloak, which were indeed outfitted with handy storage pockets. “And you aren’t exactly hard to carry.”

You reluctantly decided to continue your interrogation, much to your shared dismay.“Well, how did you find me here in the first place?” This particular question seemed to succeed in making him uncomfortable and he blinked quickly, seemingly caught off guard. “And why did you bring me there?” 

He closed his eyes momentarily, sighing resignedly. “I just happened to be passing through. You were unconscious, so I brought you to the nearest village.” He turned over his shoulder, walking back in the direction of the wooded area. “You ask too many questions.” 

“Well, thank you.” You called after him, quieter than intended. He didn’t respond.

He made it a few more steps towards the dense thicket before stopping abruptly, throwing a glance over his shoulder. “Aren’t you going to follow me?”

You hesitated. “Where?” 

“Back to the village. You’re still sick.” He stated as if his intentions were entirely obvious. You blinked, incredulous. 

You followed him back, of course, complaining and bitching. Because he was right, you were still sick. And he had to carry you most of the way there, which was rather awkward because this time you were actually conscious. 

But the main reason you allowed him to take you back to the little town was because he hadn’t properly answered your question about why he even saved you in the first place. Because there’s no way he simply stumbled upon you in the middle of a desolate forest, far from the rest of humanity, to say nothing of cell service. A part of you wondered if he just wanted someone to be indebted to him.

You weren’t sure, but you didn’t get that impression. He was blunt, but undeniably kind, stolid, but somehow charmingly awkward. And if testimony from the villagers was to be believed, he was most talkative around you and others could hardly receive even a grunt from him. 

And after profusely thanking the kind folks that had so selflessly cared for you in your hour of need, and a week’s worth of well needed rest, you felt significantly better. Of course, your physical condition was back in good shape, thanks to a superfluous amount of meals cooked by your host and devoured by you (and that man never seemed to have an appetite, if the amount of his food he tried to discreetly add onto your plate meant anything,) and you regained some common sense. 

Yes, after some time with the villagers, who were entirely content with living a simple life far out of the reaches of the Xianzhou modern conveniences, you learned three simple truths. 

The first. What use were you to anyone if you suffered until you were nothing at all? You quickly busied yourself with day to day tasks—doing laundry, helping make meals, treating the scraped knees and skinned elbows of the children—and you learned that the better state of mind you were in, the more you could do for others. And that mysterious companion of yours seemed to have a sixth sense for whenever your guilt and self-loathing began to take over, and was so good at distracting you that you didn’t even know you’d been distracted until your attention was successfully diverted. Sometimes at night, plagued by images of the horrors you’d seen unfold before you, you’d hear rustling by your bedside. Thinking you were imagining things, you’d close your eyes again, only to open them blearily and find him standing by the window, his back towards you. You didn’t know why, but the fact that he stayed with you even then made it easier to fall asleep.

The second. Isolating yourself made things impossibly worse. Your unfounded fear that everyone could smell the evil on you and would treat you like a pariah was proved false daily by the kindness of your hosts, who treated you like a member of their own family. And even when the villagers left you alone, that crow feathered weirdo remained stuck to you like your shadow. As annoying as it may have been at first, it kept you away from your own thoughts, even if you were just sitting in comfortable silence. 

“Do you ever even sleep?” You asked one night across the still darkness, his back turned to you as he gazed out of the small window at nothing in particular.

“I don’t need to.” He didn’t turn around, but you knew you still had his full attention.

“Everyone needs sleep.” You teased lightly, tiredly.

He sighed. “Let me rephrase that. You need to sleep more than I do.” 

“I think I’ve done enough sleeping,” He didn’t respond, but you caught him glancing over his shoulder at your form in the small makeshift bed, sitting upright amongst the pillows. “Do you want to sit with me?” You weren’t entirely sure what possessed you to ask. You were even less sure what possessed him to agree, fixing you with an uneasy stare before awkwardly sitting beside you on the pallet.

You stayed up the entire night talking. Or, rather surprisingly, he did most of the talking. Neither of you discussed anything important, but his calm company was soothing, and as he spoke quietly of ordinary things, you found yourself closing the distance between the two of you. You moved gently, slowly, and at the same pace he unstiffened, allowing you to rest your head upon his shoulder.

You fell asleep like that sometime during the early hours of the morning. And perhaps you were dreaming, but you swore you felt a gentle hand stroking your hair as you drifted off.

And thus, the third truth was the most frightening. A part of your heart had attached itself to that man, for as eccentric as he was, he never left your side. At first, you attributed your feelings to the sole fact of him having saved your life, but as the days crawled on, that irksome flutter in your chest persisted. And the more time you spent with him, the more he began to talk, and the more you began to listen. You were never any good at that before. But with him, it came as naturally as breathing.

The first time you kissed him, he melted into you.

He had been laying beside you on the pallet, having become more comfortable with the casual intimacy and reassurance the two of you shared. Your faces were close, so close that you could feel the warmth of his breathing fanning across your face, how it quickened when you brought a gentle hand to the cut of his jaw. You spoke his name softly, and it seemed like he stopped breathing completely. “Thank you.” You whispered across the pillow. Then, you pressed your lips gently to his. 

Yes, he melted into you like it was something he was waiting for his entire life. And perhaps it was, because his existence seemed like a terribly lonely one. And every time he shut his mouth for fear no one would listen to a word he had to say, the piece of your heart he carried with him wrenched in his hand. 

He held you so tightly that the both of you feared if he let go you’d shatter. You were the first to relinquish your grip.

You left the village after a nondescript period of time, preemptively mourning the loss of the simple life shared with its inhabitants and your unorthodox benefactor. You’d all mutually decided it was the best decision for you, and although your next destination was as of yet unknown, you found yourself caring for the implications of the future less and less. 

It wasn’t out of a sense of nihility, though. In fact, it was quite the opposite, for that man who stayed by your side day in and day out had managed to possess your thoughts enough that you were unable to think of a future that didn’t have him in it. 

So, you traveled, sticking vehemently to the fringe towns on the outskirts of the Yaoqing where whispers of the current events of the more inhabited areas were few and far between. You slept beside him in their various inns or in the houses of generous townspeople, his watch by the window relinquished for an insistent focus on the way you breathed while you slept. 

You didn’t really know your way around your homeland, having only left the city on the grounds of your self banishment. So he led the way, sometimes carrying you, always holding your hand as you forged an unknown path with no destination in particular.

At least, that was the impression he had you under. 

“Looks like we’re getting closer to civilization.” You commented offhandedly, having just checked out of a month’s long stay at a riverside inn. The place had been lovely, and you relinquished your cold baths for warm soaks in the hot springs (which had taken an insurmountable amount of convincing for him to join you, which he only did when you reminded him that you had already seen him naked, a fact that left him sufficiently flustered.) 

He simply grunted in response, and you furrowed your eyebrows, for he usually was more than willing to entertain even your most frivolous remarks. Yes, something was different that day, and he’d hardly spoken a word to you despite maintaining a loose hold on your smaller hand. “Am I allowed to ask where you’re taking me?”

He didn’t answer. Your stomach twisted as you came to a horrifying realization. How stupid you’d been to not realize—

“We’re heading towards the city, aren’t we?” Thinking aloud, your words were less of a question, and more of a conclusion. He stopped abruptly, lowering his head. “When were you going to tell me?”

“I didn’t know how,” He spoke almost shamefully, his gaze still fixed upon the earth. “You know it’s what’s best.”

You dropped his hand, betrayed now that he had finally confirmed your suspicions. “I don’t know that. You know I’m never going back there. Who sent you? I should’ve known that they would do this.“

“[Name],”  He turned to face you. You didn’t say anything. The wind rustled through the trees. He sighed. “It was General Feixiao. She—“

“General? So she’s a general now?” It was your turn to cut him off,  scoffing bitterly with your venom tipped canines on display. “A promotion or two, and she’s sending her crows to take me back there. I should’ve known.”

“I don’t know what you think you know, but you’ve got it all wrong.” He almost looked hurt, but you didn’t care. It didn’t matter. All of this to bring you back to the place you never wanted to see again, and to think you’d fallen in love with him—

How foolish you’d been. How idiotic for you to have been led astray by that wind that rustles feathers and claims naive hearts. 

Dusk approached. Your shadows lengthened. “I’m leaving.”

“If that’s what you want, then I can’t stop you.” He spoke, sounding bereaved. You wondered if he knew he still held your heart in his hands, the pumping blood cascading through his lithe fingers. 

“It is.” Perhaps you were a liar, for you knew what you wanted at that moment, and it wasn’t to leave him here, hope-drunk and silently begging you to stay. 

And it was your duty to deny yourself of the things you desired. 

You walked back into the direction of the woods as the sun set, the abyss claiming you once more. Your dreams dissipated like shadowy wisps as he left for the city, taking a piece of you with him.

And you left, as you’d promised to do, for you’d never lie to him the way he had to you. Not ever.

The third one offered you wisdom in a golden chalice, and you drank it gratefully, the warm wine burning your tongue as it slid down your throat.

The Xianzhou Luofu was positively the last place you’d ever expect to end up following your retreat back into the darkness. But alas, you had concluded that as long as you stayed on the Yaoqing, there’d always be someone trying to drag you back from whence you came. And you weren’t going back there, not ever. 

Getting there was the first challenge. Luckily, some of that man’s directional expertise had rubbed off on you, and you managed to head due south, following directions from the inhabitants of the places you stopped along the way until you made it to a smaller port city. 

When you smuggled yourself amongst the cargo on an unattended ship— something that would likely be next to impossible these days, you suppose— you had no idea where the vessel’s final destination was to be. You could’ve ended up on an entirely different planet for all you knew, and you didn’t care. The only thing you knew for certain was that you had to go, and it didn’t matter to you where. 

And you’d definitely underestimated the difficulty of the trip. You thought after traversing almost the entire perimeter of the Yaoqing, you could handle anything, and frankly, you had incorrectly concluded that you were small enough to hide comfortably on the cargo ship. 

You’d been terribly wrong. And funnily enough, you also failed to consider what would happen if the ship wasn’t as unattended as it had been once it finally arrived to its recipients. Luckily, it wasn’t a very long trip, but it was long enough to bring that thought— along with a sense of insurmountable dread— to mind.

And how incredibly stupid of you it had been to fall asleep halfway through the ride. 

You were shaken awake an unknown amount of time later by an uncomfortable prodding. You sat up straight, fluffy ears standing at attention. You rose fast enough to hit your head on a nearby crate, and looked through hazy eyes at a pair of Cloud Knights, one staring at you with alarm, the other seeming amused. “This piece of cargo wasn’t on the shipment list.” The latter sheathed his sword, the hilt of which must have been that mysterious poking that had woken you from your deep sleep.

You blinked the shock away, recovering as fast as humanly possible. “Double check that list. You must not be looking close enough,” You deadpanned, rubbing the sleep from your eyes, stretching out your legs. “Gonna tell on me?”

His companion spoke, a hand resting nervously on the hilt of his own blade. “We’re required by nature of our job description–”

“I don’t give a fuck about your ‘job,’” You groaned, standing up, brushing the dust and cobwebs from the peachy fur of your tail. “Are you turning me in to your boss or not?”

The nervous, younger looking Knight turned to his companion for an answer, who shrugged in response. He turned back to you, and despite the bite to your voice, you realized you likely looked thoroughly disheveled and even more exhausted despite your little cat nap. In fact, if you could see his face, he likely would be looking at you with unadulterated pity. “Zhi Peng, look at her. We can’t just…”

“Haitao. Zhi Peng,” A deep, coarse voice sounded from the distance. Both knights startled, sharing a brief glance that remained unreadable behind their helmets. “What’s so interesting over here?” The man known as Haitao cursed under his breath. Zhi Peng looked like he was about to wet himself. 

“What do we do?” You whispered, but neither man responded verbally, and while Haitao shifted to cover your smaller form, Zhi Peng remained frozen in place, horrified. “Is that your supervisor or something?” 

Haitao simply nodded. “What are you two doing?” The supervisor called, and his voice sounded closer. 

Your eyes widened with fear. Haitao cursed again. “Just stay quiet.” 

“Zhi Peng, tell me immediately what is happening?” The supervisor hissed, and you heard the meek knight in question let out a strangled cry that sounded oddly like he had been grabbed by the breastplate of his uniform. 

“The cargo. There’s a stowaway in the cargo.” Zhi Peng managed through a choked voice, and there was a thud as he was released upon the ground. You scoffed quietly, your sharp canines digging into your bottom lip. Didn’t take the fucker much pressure to cave in, did it? Although you did feel bad that he’d been tossed around on your behalf. 

“Haitao. Is this true?” The knight who had you trapped beneath his form glanced once more at you, and then at his officer.

Then, he grabbed your arm tight enough to bruise, shifting to reveal your presence. “Yup. Found this little fox hiding amongst the military shipments.” 

“Mother fucker.” You hissed. His grip on your arm tightened as he dragged you in the direction of the disembodied voice that you’d heard earlier, which belonged to an even larger man in a slightly different uniform. Just your luck to get discovered by the most spineless little grunts out there. You couldn’t have been captured by an officer, or even a general?

The larger man scrutinized you, his shielded gaze lingering upon you for longer than you were comfortable with. “I know who this is.” 

You blinked. “That isn’t possible.”

“Yes, it is. You’re the nurse that deserted the Yaoqing army all those years ago,” You froze. So he did, indeed, know who you were. Again, just your fucking luck. “We keep close military contact with our allies.” 

“I prefer ‘medic,’” You deflected, shooting Haitao the nastiest look you could muster as you attempted to wrench free of his grip. “Even ‘practitioner' is acceptable.” The man refused to relent, and you let out a noise akin to a snarl as your bicep began to burn.

“I don’t care what you are,” The officer brushed you off as easily as swatting a fly, and your eyebrows furrowed with further annoyance at being treated so trivially. “Do you two remember your orders for a fugitive situation?” He addressed his two underlings, who vehemently nodded with a chorus of yes sir’s.

“Fugitive situation?” You protested, unable to ignore the way Zhi Peng flanked the unoccupied side of your body. “That’s not what this is.” The other soldier grabbed your other arm, although significantly gentler than his companion. 

Ignoring your objections, the officer continued to deliver orders to his men, who began to march you behind him as you headed somewhere entirely unbeknownst to you. 

You asked quite a few questions on the way there. Where are you taking me? Am I going to jail? Will there be a bathroom? Are you sending me back to the Yaoqing? I’m hungry. Although the last of which was more of a statement. 

The point being that none of your objections nor your questions received competent answers. And the moment you reached an area you would later learn to be called the Exalting Sanctum, the soldiers on the other side of you promptly let go of your arms. Before you could even massage the pain of their grasp away, their officer had grabbed you again. “You two are dismissed. The General will know what to do with her.” 

The knights bowed respectfully to their supervisor before departing, both sparing you a second glance over their shoulders, one you met with a look that hopefully conveyed just how much you despised them. Once they were out of earshot, the larger man grabbed you by the back of the neck. “Now listen here,” You yelped as he leaned down, his gruff voice directly in your ear. “The General has requested you be brought directly to him for whatever reason. I personally couldn’t give less of a shit what happens to a traitor like you, but clearly he finds you useful in some way,” You were unable to control the tear that spilled from your watery eyes at the pain of his large hand tightening around your neck. “So you better not fuck this up for yourself, alright?” 

You didn’t move, warm teardrops streaming down your ruddy cheeks. Realizing he wasn’t going to relinquish you until you responded in some way, you nodded, with quite a degree of difficulty considering his hand was still indeed wrapped around your neck. He released you, and you fell to the ground, coughing. He didn’t wait for you to catch your breath before taking you inside.

“General,” He led you up the carpeted stairs in the General’s office, the deep red color suddenly foreboding as the man’s words echoed in your mind. What use could the General of the Luofu possibly have for you if not to punish you for your desertion? You were so stupid, in fact, in a lifetime of stupid decisions, this was by far the stupidest thing you could’ve ever done— “I’ve brought the Yaoqing’s fugitive.”

The Cloud Knights stationed along the landing of the stairs didn’t spare you a passing glance as you approached the General’s desk. The man let go of you, instead shoving you in his direction before bowing chastely. “I know it’s been a while since we discussed the protocol for her discovery, so I thought I’d bring her here for you to decide what to do with her.”

White haired, long-lashed and heavy-eyed, the General regarded the man before him with complete disinterest. “Thank you,” His gaze landed upon you, the sorry state you must have been in, and his serene expression faltered momentarily. “But, please, remind me where in the protocol it states that it’s acceptable to treat a woman so barbarically,” Slowly, tiredly, he rose from his desk, approaching you where you stood shakily upon your sore feet. “It’s deplorable.” 

For the first time, your impromptu captor was speechless. “Sir, I…”

“No explanation is needed. You can expect further disciplinary notice in the next few days.” The General refused to even meet his eye, his attention instead focused concernedly upon you. “You are dismissed.” 

He didn’t say anything to you immediately upon the other man’s departure, still scrutinizing your visible condition— the bruises on your arms from the Cloud Knights, the dirt and dust still clinging to your clothes from the cargo ship— and you sighed. “Am I under arrest, General?”

He blinked, genuinely surprised. “Not at all.”

“Then what’s my punishment?” You shrugged, shifting your weight. “You know, for treason.” 

He raised an eyebrow at you, and for some reason you got the feeling that you two were each having completely different conversations. He gestured to the chair behind his desk. “Have a seat.” 

“That’s your chair.” You raised an eyebrow, and he simply nodded in confirmation. Realizing he wasn’t going to continue until you sat down, you sighed, doing what you were told. Your feet were killing you from being cramped up for so long, anyways.

Once you had made yourself comfortable, he began to speak. “You’re not under arrest, nor are you receiving any punishment.” 

“Then why did you request for me to be brought here immediately upon my capture?” You fiddled anxiously with the fabric of your clothes, anticipating his response. “With all due respect, General, sir, it’s a bit confusing.”

He stared at you for a moment, unreadable, before suddenly bursting out into boisterous laughter. “Ah, it is, isn’t it?” Your mouth fell open, surprised by his swift change in demeanor, but he didn’t seem to notice. “Allow me to explain. I’m well aware of your talent as a medical practitioner. And considering that you currently owe a debt to the Xianzhou Alliance’s military, well…” He gently rested his palms upon the desk, leaning over you in a way that was more expectant than imposing. “We’d like you to work with our branch of the Alchemy Commission.” 

“Me? Work for the Alchemy Commission? That’s all?” You were unable to suppress the breathless, incredulous laugh that escaped your lips. “Forgive me, sir, but that’s a rather light punishment.” 

“I already said you weren’t being punished.” He raised an eyebrow, simultaneously amused and concerned. “Is that what you want?”

“I don’t know. But there’s one thing I don’t want.” You bit your lip, considering the possible ramifications of telling him exactly how to torture you most effectively. “If you don’t intend to punish me, then don’t send me back there.” 

“Right. You were rather lucky to end up here, aren’t you?” He chuckled once more, and who knew the Luofu's General was so good-natured? You supposed a man like that needed some entertainment to liven up his day. But it wasn’t going to be you. 

“I wouldn’t call it luck,” You scoffed bitterly, absentmindedly moving your hair from behind your shoulders. You saw his eyes widen in shock, and realized with embarrassment that your subconscious movement had exposed to him the bruise that the brute of an officer had left from his grasp upon your neck. “Oh. Ignore that. That officer of yours got a bit too handsy.” You shrugged, despite the tears you’d swallowed down after the initial incident threatening to rise back up in your throat. 

“That seems to be putting it rather lightly, don’t you think?” His good mood was effectively dashed, his worried gaze fixed upon your neck. Suddenly self conscious, you moved your hair to cover it once more. “And rest assured, after his behavior today, he is no longer any officer of mine. That isn’t how my men operate.”

You scoffed, recalling the behavior of the low ranking Cloud Knights before you’d even met the officer. “If you sincerely believe that, you don’t know your men at all.” You gasped sharply upon realizing the ramifications of your words, quickly backtracking. “Forgive me, that was incredibly disrespectful. And I’m already in this position—” 

“It’s alright. I suppose I do have some more work to do on the ground as opposed to sitting up in this stuffy old office all the time.” He sighed, offering you a small, reassuring smile. 

“Sir, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but this place is beautiful.” You gestured to your comparatively luxurious surroundings.  “Not exactly what I’d call ‘stuffy.’” Anything beats that dusty shipment container. 

“Anywhere can become stifling if you spend enough time there. Beauty has nothing to do with it. I’m sure you know that just as well as I do.” He laughed awkwardly, almost self-deprecating. “Ah, look at me, rambling on again. I’ll alert your supervisor at the Commission of your arrival. Your lodgings will be arranged at a nearby inn, so go wash up and get a good night’s sleep.” He reached for a spare piece of paper that rested upon the surface of his desk, quickly scrawling the name of the inn for your reference.  “Your work begins at sunrise tomorrow.” 

You gingerly took the paper from him, folding it gently before sliding it protectively into the pocket of your shorts. “I don’t know what I did to deserve such generosity, but thank you. Sincerely.” 

“You don’t have to thank me. You’ll pay off your debt soon enough.” He placed a gentle hand on your shoulder. Neither of you moved. As if realizing the impropriety of his actions, he quickly retracted his arm, instead offering you a small nod.  “Go.”

You rose from your— his — chair and made for the exit, already envisioning the hot shower and warm inn-cooked meal you were going to have. Suddenly remembering the constraints of respect, you froze halfway down the stairs, turning to offer the General a stiff, clumsy bow. 

You left with his almost-fond chuckle at your heels, intending to scrub the remains of your idiocy from your skin. 

The Luofu branch of the Alchemy Commission was significantly different from the one back home. Although the work hours were just as insane, its employees genuinely enjoyed their jobs, if your master was anything to go off of. 

Dark brown haired with cutely pointed ears and deep ruby eyes, Lingsha was incredibly skilled, and just as well-composed. She smelled lovely, too, a fact you noted as she showed you where each of the supplies were located.  As she explained the rules with which the Luofu’s branch operated, you found your mind wandering elsewhere, wondering what kind of woman you’d be if only you had a calm spirit, to say nothing of impulse control. 

“I diagnose ailments a bit differently. I’m sure you’re familiar with aromatic therapy?” Lingsha spoke as she stood before a presently empty cauldron. A nice, herbal scent lingered around it, and you concluded that she had to smell so nice from working around aromatics every day. 

“Yes, we use it quite a bit on the Yaoqing. I’m definitely not as skilled as you are, though.” Your intentions on your first day were to emphasize your competency without seeming too confident. The last thing you wanted was for your new boss to think you were trying to outshine her in any way.

“Anyone can learn, and you already have the background, so don’t worry about that.” Lingsha had mercifully not seemed to glean that impression from you, treating you with kindness despite you really only being there to work off a debt wrought by your own stupidity. “I can’t teach you how to utilize the cauldron, though.”

You nodded, offering her a small, grateful smile. “Let’s get to work, shall we?” 

Despite your feigned eagerness to get on the job, she tried to breach a different, non-work related subject with you come lunch break. “You know, I once traveled far from home too.”

Unimpressed, you chewed your braised pork. “Really?”

“I followed my master when she was banished. It was quite jarring at first, but I learned so much and improved my craft.” She picked at her food with her chopsticks, seeming to favor attempting to connect with you over shared circumstances more than eating. 

“I see.” You, on the other hand, did not much enjoy having your meal interrupted by useless talking, no matter how good the intentions behind it may be. 

She sighed, noticing your unwillingness to converse. “All of this to say, I understand how you feel.”

Do you? You found yourself wondering, almost shamefully, for the woman’s intentions were clearly to make you feel more comfortable working away from home. But being young and irrational, you couldn’t help but believe your situation was undeniably unique. 

Of course, it wasn’t, nor were your experiences anything special. And realizing this, you kept your mouth shut, simply nodding in respectful acknowledgment of her statement. 

You finished the rest of your lunch in silence, your new mentor finally recognizing that you weren’t quite in the mood for conversation. You did, however, catch her sending a few fleeting glances your way, sometimes concerned, sometimes curious. 

The first day of your impromptu apprenticeship ended with barely any further words exchanged between the two of you. You parted ways with a few polite goodbyes, and you beelined for the closest restaurant with a myriad of conflicting thoughts swarming your mind. 

And the work did get significantly more bearable the longer you did it. Even the early mornings were alright, considering you had to get up in the wee hours of the morning back as a medic for the Yaoqing. Not to mention, with the minor ailments being the only ones Lingsha initially sent your way, you felt like you were back at the army hospital with your brother stifling you beneath his scrutinizing glare. It was all rather banal.

You weren’t the only one bored almost to death by day to day work, however.

The first time the General stopped by your office for a check up, you were on your best behavior. Convinced he was only there to observe your progress, you prepared to conduct a thorough examination  that addressed all of his concerns. 

“So, you’re telling me you’re experiencing extreme drowsiness.” You read from your notes, taking this far more seriously than you should’ve. He was indeed a patient, after all, and an important one at that. Even if he was just bullshitting you, you were under a medical obligation to heed his concerns. 

“Yes, doctor. My eyes are simply too heavy to hold open.” He spoke dramatically, although you got the sense he was holding back a laugh. 

“I’m not a doctor,” You simply stared, incredulous. “And there’s not much I can do for you in that regard. I can make you some tea?”

“Tea would be lovely,” He smiled up at you, although even with him being seated you were nearly at eye level.  “Come to think of it, I have the most wonderful tea set at the Seat of Divine Foresight.”

You raised an eyebrow. “That’s a bit of a walk from here, don’t you think?”

“If you don’t want to travel all that way, I can bring it here.” He rose from the chair, towering over you once more as he made for the door. 

“Oh, you wanted me to drink the tea with you?” You began to follow him, and he sent you a mirthful glance over his shoulder. 

“You were the one who suggested it after all.” He noted, almost offhandedly, and you paused to consider the offer. 

“Well, I suppose I could take a lunch break right about now.” You also supposed that he’d never intended to leave the clinic without you, anyways. 

Agreeing to let him steal you away from your duties was a mistake. Because one lunch break became two, which became three, which became entire shifts once you realized Lingsha could easily handle the steady trickle of patients herself, and the General would always provide her an excuse for your absence— however ridiculous it may be. 

You met with him a few times outside of those sleepy afternoon hours, too. Once he realized your passion for fine Luofu cuisine, and having an impressive appetite of his own,  he took you to all of the best spots, and watched you fondly as you inhaled your meals. You’d share drinks afterwards, and without fail, he’d walk you back to the inn, sometimes with a gentlemanly hand hovering over your back so your tipsiness didn’t get the better of you on those tricky stairs.

And that was all it was, communion, camaraderie. Until the night you invited Lingsha along for dinner and drinks by way of apology for shirking your duties. 

You had far more of that familiar rice wine than usual, likely due to anxiety that the woman in question hated you for your truancy. After a few shots, you were limber and loose, your inside thoughts spilling from your tongue as if it were the most normal thing in the world. 

The General, despite his size and tendency to be able to hold his liquor, seemed a bit more far gone than usual, too, if the way he laughed and spoke quite louder than usual in response to your jabbering was anything to go off. Lingsha, in contrast, drank slowly, mindfully, sipping at her beverage while eyeing the two of you with a mix of concern and amusement. 

And neither of you really noticed when she gracefully ducked out, citing her early shift in the morning as her reason for departure. Your witty banter continued, your knee brushing his beneath the table, his much larger hand resting atop yours on the wooden surface. 

You kept drinking, of course. And things progressed. Very quickly. And you were, as always, horribly stupid. 

You remember him paying the bill, taking your hand as you stood up, swaying on your feet. The night was humid and starless, the condensation in the air contributing to the haze in your mind. He had a loose arm wrapped around your waist as you started in the direction of the inn. 

You remember, rather boldly, asking instead for a tour of his place. You remember him agreeing. 

His house was quite spacious. You stumbled past the entrance and he caught you, laughing intoxicatedly. You didn’t make it past the kitchen before he had you leaned up against the counters, his face centimeters away from your own. He was saying something, but your brain wasn’t registering. Rather than responding, or even asking him to repeat himself, you raised up on your tiptoes to kiss him. 

Yes, things did progress rather quickly from there.

That wasn’t to say you didn’t remember— or enjoy — anything you partook in. In fact, you recall being rather entrenched in bliss as he had you pinned beneath him, your legs wrapped tightly around his hips to pull him impossibly closer. Your long nails clawed at the skin of his back and you were too far gone to tell him it was too much, or not enough, you weren’t really sure. Whatever the sensation was, it was incredible, your toes curling as he mouthed at the sensitive skin at the junction of your neck, a deft hand sliding between your bodies to push you over the edge. 

It was too much. And it wasn’t enough.

You woke up the next morning, somehow satisfied, moderately hungover, your face having been buried in his broad chest. Naturally, he was still fast asleep,  breathing serenely beneath you as long lashes brushed against his cheeks. 

And naturally, you sat up, oriented yourself, dressed, and left. 

It wasn’t anything you’d ever done before; slept with someone you cared about and left without another word. But you had a feeling it was the only way to do this without ripping yourself apart again, without leaving a piece of yourself behind beneath his once-pristine sheets.

And despite the way every single thing between the two of you had been turned on its side after a single night, you found yourself sitting behind his desk once more during your lunch break as he smiled down at you, gaze lingering on the poorly concealed marks just above the neckline of your shirt. You tugged it upwards as you’d been doing all day, but it was no use, for he leaned down to kiss you as if there weren’t numerous guards stationed around the entrance.

And you let him, like that’s how it was between the two of you all along.  

Which was to say that those breathless nights spent at his place after work became a frequent occurrence. And when you’d show up early to work the next morning, half asleep and abnormally chipper, Lingsha would only raise a suspicious eyebrow before telling you to rewash your hands and get to work. 

“I’ve always been quite curious if a Foxian’s sense of smell is as refined as mine.” Your mentor commented offhandedly after the two of you had just seen off a young Foxian patient who was experiencing abnormal tail shedding. Lingsha had performed some aromatherapy and sent the poor girl home with some oils to apply to the area on a strict regimen. 

You shrugged, your fingers absentmindedly and protectively rubbing through the silken fur of your own tail. “I wouldn’t say ‘as refined,’ but I’ve certainly got a good nose.”

She hummed in acknowledgment, peeling off her gloves. “Really? So can you detect the scent of other people on yourself?”

Your eyebrows furrowed as your hands continued working through your fur, unsure of the relevance behind her line of questioning. “Sometimes.”

“So, you must be well aware that you smell entirely of the General.” Your ministrations froze.

 You turned slowly to face her, only to see her expression as unchanged as before, examining her pristine cuticles as if what she’d said was the most normal thing in the world.  “I’m sorry?” 

“It’s not an unpleasant smell, it’s just so overbearing that your scent is layered all the way at the bottom.” She diverted her attention elsewhere, assuming an air of nonchalance as she began to rearrange her bottles of scented oil.  “What did you do, roll around in his bed or something?” 

You opened your mouth to respond, only to close it once more. “...No comment.”

“Aeons above. There’s my answer.” Lingsha groaned, setting a glass vial down with slightly more force than was necessary. 

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.” You responded coyly, the embarrassment giving way to an unfamiliar yet deep seated urge to make her even more uncomfortable as a twisted form of deflection.. 

“That’s not entirely true. I want some answers.” 

And boy, did you answer her many, many questions. In fact, the remainder of your lunch hour was spent detailing the progression of the affair between you and the General. You were mildly disappointed that you missed out on spending the time with him, but you figured you could make it up to him in a rather meaningful way later that evening. 

Besides, the look on Lingsha’s face as you spoke— an amalgamation of shock, incredulity, and curiosity— was well worth it. And if the woman didn’t trust you before, she sure did now that you took the time to describe your sex life in intricate detail— in response to her insistent prompting, of course.

You met up with him that evening. And the next. And the one after that. And despite your habit of slipping out in the early hours of the morning like a creature of the night, you stuck around one morning. 

It was the dawn of your weekly day off, and you were positively exhausted from work and a myriad of other, irrelevant things, no thanks to the man who slept soundly beneath you. And even though you’d slept well enough yourself, you couldn’t help but feel restless as your cheek rested against the bare skin of his chest. 

You knew this was casual. It didn’t mean anything. Both of you understood that. But as you watched him sleep, your thumb absentmindedly tracing the mark beneath his eye, something familiar stirred in your chest. You didn’t want to leave. 

The feeling persisted as you ate breakfast with him, neither of you acknowledging just how far from the norm this was. It intensified as you stepped into the shower beside him, unwilling to leave each other alone for even half a system hour. It threatened to swallow you whole when he brushed your hair, large fingers raking through the damp strands as you leaned into his touch, horribly infatuated by the whole situation. When he kissed you in the pavilion after you walked him to work, you felt like you were drowning. 

What a stupid woman you were, you thought as you sat on the arm of his chair, his free hand wrapped around your waist as he pretended to focus on whatever dull paperwork sat on his desk. When the Master Diviner walked in, his grip tightened despite the look of unadulterated distaste she sent your way. “I had something important to discuss with you, General, but it seems you’re presently occupied.” Her words were dripping with acrimony, but you were too far beneath the waves to care. 

He hummed without sparing a glance towards the small woman. “Yes, I am presently inundated with paperwork,” His large palm slid further downwards, digging into your hip behind the desk. “If it can wait, we can discuss whatever it is at a later time.” 

The woman blinked, inhaling sharply at the shameless display before her. “Fine. I’ll come back at a much, much later time.” The General’s gaze remained fixed on the paper despite his attention clearly being elsewhere, if the hand caressing your backside said anything. “Or never.” Fu Xuan muttered to herself as she left, likely wishing to take her brain out and wipe it clean of the last five minutes. 

The more he made it clear he didn’t care who knew what existed between the two of you, if anything, the more you fixated on it until it was all you could think about. You’d been burned once, twice, by relationships wrought by your own selfless devotion, and you’d fallen into this one while caught in the throes of your own greed. So perhaps, it had to be a sign that this could work? 

And no matter how hard you tried, you could not stop yourself from craving his complete affections, in sharing every aspect of your life with him. Even though he was so often unreadable, you knew deep down that a part of you had stuck with him. You only prayed it was significant enough to last. 

One night, you held his face in your hands as you straddled his abdomen, and despite holding some of the control, you let him take everything from you that you had to give. When the both of you were thoroughly satisfied, he kissed you like you were his, and in all ways but one, you were. 

Your mouth didn’t give either of you much time to bask in the afterglow, for the moment you’d shifted to untangle yourself with him, it spoke without your common sense’s consent. “I’ve been thinking.” Perhaps this was a bad time, but you supposed there never was an ideal one for these sorts of conversations. At least you’d waited until he wasn’t inside you any longer. 

“Have you?” He said, his voice still low and rumbling in a way that made you shift uncomfortably atop him. “What about, my dear?” He pulled you down so your chest was flush against his, pressing a quick kiss to the side of your temple. 

You let out a quick gasp, trying to disguise the way his affection had left you reeling. “Us.” 

“What’s there to think about?” He responded good-naturedly, teasingly tugging at your tail.“We’re here, aren’t we?”

“Yes, but…” He clearly hadn’t yet grasped the seriousness of your train of thought, for his wandering hand abandoned the fur of your tail to grab a handful of your backside.  “Hey.” You warned, swatting it away as he laughed, unashamed.  “I guess I should start by asking this. What do you want from me?”

He blinked, his expression sobering as he finally caught your drift. “Whatever you’re willing to give.”

You scoffed. Despite your heart hoping otherwise, you should’ve known he’d dance his way around your questioning, ever-skilled at circumlocution.. “That’s a cop out.”

“I still don’t understand what you’re asking.” He clarified gently, his hands rubbing soothingly up your sides. Your annoyance deflated significantly, your body welcoming his touch. 

“Fine. I’m asking if you want me to be your girlfriend. Partner. Whatever you want to call it.” His hands halted their ministrations as he looked up at you, his expression indecipherable. 

“Where is this coming from?” He spoke after a beat had passed, tilting his head at you with what seemed like genuine confusion. Whatever it was angered you, because if he really had no idea what you were talking about, he must have been fucking you with his eyes closed. Because it was clear as day to the Cloud Knights, Lingsha, Fu Xuan, everyone who saw the two of you together, what was happening. 

“The fuck do you mean, ‘where is this coming from?’” Your annoyance morphed into a sense of betrayal, spilling from your mouth like murderous venom. “You take me out to dinner multiple times a week, I sit in your office all day like your little pet, I practically live at your house.” Then, the betrayal melted away to hurt.  “And still, I can’t tell exactly how you feel about me. That’s where it’s coming from.” Your sentence ended far softer, far more vulnerable than you intended it to. 

And he noticed, for a large palm came to cup your cheek in his hand, ready to wipe away the angry tears that threatened to fall. “[Name]—“

You pushed his hand away. “Answer my question,” You intertwined the hand you’d used to reject his touch with his own, still unable to part from him no matter how obstinate you felt he was being.  “We can take things slow if that’s what you want. No labels, or anything. I just need to know how you feel.”

You’d barely finished your sentence before he pulled you down to kiss him, slow and sweet. “I thought it was abundantly clear how I felt about you,” He spoke almost against your lips, your fingers still laced together, pushed up against the headboard. “You’re an incredible woman, [Name]. Witty, headstrong, beautiful,” His free hand brushed your bangs away from your face, coming to rest once more on your cheek.“But I cannot give you that which you desire.”

You hesitated, blinking confusedly at him.“What do you mean?”

“You know what you want, a trait that is inexorably admirable,” He paused, his gaze flickering away from your own to collect his thoughts. “But I know who I am, and it won’t be any good for you.”

Another cop out. Your canines dug into your bottom lip as you felt the pressure of your returning tears behind your eyelids. “You’re not being truthful.”

“I am.  I only want the best for you.” So that was how it was. Fine. You weren’t going to embarrass yourself any further by crying in front of him. You had lost so much in that moment, but you couldn’t let go of your fragile pride.

“I think I should go.” You dropped his hand, leaning back upon his thighs. 

He swallowed, looking reluctantly away from your watery eyes. “Perhaps that may be what’s best.”

You left that time, defeated and embarrassingly heartbroken. But it didn’t stop you from going back to him quite a few times, somehow convinced that what you desired deep down would change. But never once did you expect him to mold himself to your expectations, shouldering the blame for the failed relationship all upon yourself.

You were foolish then. For believing you could ever rid yourself of the desire to be loved wholly and completely. For believing you could change yourself rather than choose a different man to love. For suppressing your own heart beneath layers of impenetrable armor.

He taught you many things about yourself, rather inadvertently. You learned you could be alright on your own. You learned that love and sex were a gamble, a way to gain leverage on others without revealing the vulnerability that lay within your own losing hand. And you learned to stop denying yourself of the superficial little things you wanted, because you’d concluded that your heart’s deepest desire could never be fulfilled.

These lessons were incredibly valuable, and you held them close to your heart even as you sat aboard the mysterious Astral Express, gazing out the window at the vastness of the universe with your palms laying defeated in your lap. 

The fourth one took you entirely off guard, two lightning strikes in an open field, an asteroid upon a barren planet, a winning ticket out of a million losses. The chances of finding him in this life were astronomically low. But he was miraculously, blessedly lucky. 

Alisa would know more about this than I do. That is the thought that always crosses your mind in situations like these, when you watch him on the rare nights he sleeps peacefully, and something in your chest overwhelms you so much you fear you might die in his arms. You’d spent ages telling yourself you were never meant for love, and that little girl’s dreams of a fairy tale romance were never yours. But here you are, not only deeply enamored, but literally engaged, evidenced by that bewilderingly expensive gemstone on your ring finger. 

You can’t help but feel like you’d experienced everything in your life just for this terribly mundane moment, if not just for the way he looks fast asleep.

And perhaps you know more about love than you care to admit, for you’d proven your past self wrong on several occasions. You were alright on your own, sure, but you are far better with him by your side. Maybe you’d gambled your way into his heart, but your vulnerability is no longer a weakness. And now that you have the one thing you’d always desired, everything else is background noise. 

He means everything to you, you realized then. He is your heart, your ultimate weakness, your one in a million. You couldn’t leave this time, for there is nowhere else to go. 

You rotate the gold band on your finger absentmindedly, curling yourself even further into his body. He subconsciously pulls you closer, and you hide your face in his chest, smiling fondly to yourself. You hope he knows he’s stuck with you forever now. This love is blessedly and irrevocably yours. 

[merwgue]

Lucien Vanserra: The True Victim of A Court of Thorns and Roses

Let’s get one thing straight: while everyone’s focused on the traumas of Feyre, Nesta, and Rhysand, Lucien Vanserra is quietly enduring some of the most heartbreaking and soul-crushing treatment in the entire A Court of Thorns and Roses series. This man is the definition of “forgotten hero,” a character shoved into the background while everyone else’s emotional baggage takes center stage. But when you really break down his journey, it becomes clear: Lucien is the true victim of the story. Abandoned, betrayed, rejected, and shunned—he’s lost more than anyone gives him credit for. And let’s not even get started on his non-existent support system.

This essay is for Lucien, the character who deserved more.

Tamlin: A Complicated Friendship

Okay, let’s ease up on Tamlin for a second. He’s not the villain in Lucien’s story, but it’s impossible to overlook the ways in which he’s failed Lucien as a friend. Sure, Tamlin saved Lucien’s life, and in the early books, their camaraderie seems genuine. Lucien is loyal to Tamlin, even to the point of defending his choices when everything in the Spring Court is falling apart. But here’s the thing—Tamlin is a terrible friend to Lucien in the long run. When Tamlin goes off the rails, obsessing over Feyre and becoming a controlling mess, Lucien gets stuck cleaning up after him.

Lucien is the one trying to hold the Spring Court together while Tamlin spirals, and what does he get for his trouble? Tamlin’s neglect and emotional distance. He stands by Tamlin because of loyalty and friendship, but let’s not pretend that Tamlin did the same for him. When Lucien finally helps Feyre escape Tamlin’s suffocating control, it’s less of a betrayal and more of Lucien doing the right thing. But Tamlin? He sees it as the ultimate backstab, and that’s where their relationship falls apart. Lucien, once again, is left out in the cold, torn between his sense of duty and doing what’s right. He deserves better, but Tamlin’s emotional instability makes sure that Lucien never really gets to be his own person.

The Autumn Court: The True Hellscape

If you think Lucien’s life in the Spring Court was bad, wait until you hear about his childhood. Born into the Vanserra family of the Autumn Court, Lucien was the outcast of a vicious, backstabbing dynasty. Beron, his father, is a tyrant who not only sees Lucien as an expendable pawn but actively wants him dead. His brothers? Equally charming. It’s clear from the start that Lucien never had a chance to thrive in the Autumn Court, a place where power is everything, and kindness is seen as weakness.

And let’s not forget the whole Jesminda tragedy. Lucien dared to fall in love with a lesser fae, a love that cost Jesminda her life when Lucien’s family decided that this romance didn’t fit their elitist ideals. Jesminda’s murder was a turning point for Lucien—he fled his home, knowing that if he stayed, his family would finish the job. He’s a fugitive in his own court, forever on the run from the very people who are supposed to protect him. The Autumn Court isn’t just abusive—it’s a prison. Lucien had to escape, and in doing so, he severed any ties he had to a place that was supposed to be his birthright. Now he’s left without a home, a family, or a sense of belonging.

Elain Archeron: The Ultimate Rejection

And now, onto Lucien’s “reward” for all his suffering—Elain Archeron. Because apparently, the universe decided that after all the abuse, loss, and betrayal, what Lucien really needed was to be rejected by his mate. Let’s be clear: the mating bond is supposed to be this magical, unbreakable connection, right? Wrong. In Lucien’s case, it’s a constant source of pain and rejection.

Elain doesn’t just ignore the bond—she actively refuses to even acknowledge Lucien’s existence. She treats him like an awkward acquaintance, if that. Lucien, being the respectful guy he is, gives her space and time, but let’s face it: Elain’s rejection isn’t just about needing time to adjust to being fae. She’s chosen to flat-out pretend like Lucien isn’t her mate, and that stings. For a man who’s lost everything—his home, his family, his friends—this bond should have been a light at the end of the tunnel. Instead, it’s another source of heartbreak.

Lucien doesn’t even have a chance to prove himself to Elain. She’s decided from the start that their bond doesn’t matter, that Lucien doesn’t matter. And while everyone is wrapped up in the Nesta-Cassian drama, Lucien’s quietly standing on the sidelines, feeling the weight of his mate’s rejection. It’s brutal, and the narrative never gives him the closure he so desperately needs.

The Night Court: The Perpetual Outsider

Lucien finally gets out of the toxic mess that is the Spring Court, but what does he find in Velaris? A new home? New friends? Ha! Not even close. Rhysand and his inner circle barely tolerate Lucien. Rhysand is too wrapped up in his own superiority complex to give Lucien a real chance. Let’s not forget that Rhysand, the Great High Lord, practically sneers at Lucien for his past alliances and treats him like an outsider.

Sure, Feyre brings Lucien to Velaris, but the rest of the inner circle doesn’t exactly roll out the welcome mat. Lucien is treated with suspicion, kept at arm’s length, and never fully integrated into their group. He’s just… there. Rhysand’s so busy being the “hero” that he doesn’t see Lucien for what he really is—a loyal ally who’s willing to sacrifice everything to protect the people he cares about.

And don’t even get me started on Amren. The self-proclaimed “second-in-command” spends most of her time glaring at Lucien, like he’s some kind of ticking time bomb. It’s almost laughable how little effort anyone makes to actually welcome him. Lucien’s loyalty to Feyre is the only reason he’s tolerated in Velaris, and even then, it’s clear that he doesn’t belong. He’s an outsider, floating through the courts, never truly accepted anywhere.

No Home, No Family, No Love

So where does that leave Lucien? He has no home—his family tried to kill him, his best friend fell apart, and the court that’s supposed to be his sanctuary treats him like a stray dog. He has no family—his father is a tyrant, his brothers are cutthroats, and his mate wants nothing to do with him. And he has no love—not from Elain, not from his friends, and certainly not from the universe that keeps throwing him into impossible situations.

Lucien’s story is one of relentless isolation, rejection, and pain. He’s been cast out of every place he’s ever called home, left with no real allies and no future. And yet, the narrative doesn’t even bother to give him the closure or redemption he deserves. While everyone else is busy finding their happily-ever-afters, Lucien is left wandering, a victim of fate, circumstance, and neglect.

Conclusion

Lucien Vanserra is the forgotten victim of A Court of Thorns and Roses. While Feyre, Rhysand, and the rest of the inner circle grapple with their various traumas, Lucien quietly endures some of the most heartbreaking experiences of the entire series. His loyalty is betrayed, his love rejected, and his place in the world shattered. He has no home, no family, no friends, and no love—just a never-ending cycle of loss and rejection.

If anyone deserves sympathy, it’s Lucien. The series may focus on the dramatic arcs of its other characters, but Lucien’s story is the true tragedy. He’s the character who’s been failed by everyone around him, and the one who truly deserves a happy ending—but likely won’t ever get one.

[angstics]

3.3k words summarizing queliot if you've never seen the magicians. or if youve seen it and you want to indulge in my insane criticisms. lord touch his mind

okay so the magicians was a tv show about a bunch of post grads learning magic in magic university then discovering that the fantasy world from a kids book series was actually real and the Beast of that world was out to get them. WHO GIVES A FUCK. the crazy people were focused on the relationship btwn main character quentin coldwater (depressed, heart on his sleeve, surprise sex maniac who is new to magic and loves those books) and gay best friend eliot waugh (substance addicted (big surprise!!), gay trauma, named after evelyn waugh oh you know…) they form a friendship and it’s weirdly touchy and close. eliot keeps trying to seduce quentin but it’s never serious. i dont even think quentin notices. anyone remember the “lets not talk” scene? he was about to fuck that sad man. anyway this tension was actually fulfilled by the end of the 1st season with a drunk threesome including the two and their best friend margo. they at least kiss and cuddle and MAYBE sucked dick if the ghost of his girlfriend who haunts him later is to be believed (which i do #cockinhismouthsunday).

at this time articles that were like “THIS SIFI SERIES IS PROUDLY BISEXUAL” were coming out which. lol. lmfao! quentin never had any sort of queer identity. not even a hint of it. the homophobia of the show started with the regurgitation of the “sad drunk lonely sex-crazed” gay man trope with eliot, then the “everyone is fluid but no one actually has same sex attraction” trope, THEN by sidelining and killing off almost every gay or trans character, THEN THE QUENTIN THING. and the quentin thing turned people insane. let’s see why.

so after the threesome, eliot and quentin continue having a good friendship. there is some tension that isnt present with margo which sure is a choice… but it is resolved by a heartfelt crowning ceremony nd hug. oh theyre kings of the magic land now btw. eliot and q are pretty much separate from this point on xcept for certain episodes/moments. it is strange they dont have any storylines together. but love finds a way. at some point a version of eliot sacrifies himself for quentin. if u look at the scene it is on instinct it is crazy. then they reunite at the end of s2 but it’s all business really. the show was really involved w its nonsense plot.

anyway season 3. hahaha. so like i said theyre separate most of the show past s1. this is true in this season xcept for episodes 305 and 313 (with some notable moments in between). the plot of this season is that they have to go on quests to collect keys. the creature that gives eliot this plot calls quentin his “brother of the heart”. ok! when they see each other for the first time in a while in 304, they hug in a very sweet way :) look at this photo from bts during that scene :) i have it framed

after a series of other quests, 305 turns out to be the Eliot and Quentin quest! finally a story with the two! the quest is for the “time key”, which is fabled to be given to whoever solves the mosaic puzzle in fillory (magic world). the puzzle? they have to arrange 100s of tiles in a way that depicts “the beauty of all life”. quentin is very excited about it. eliot is happy to hear him infodump. they eventually get pushed into fillory to solve the mosaic. turns out they were also sent DECADES in the past. there might have been a way out but they were dead-set on solving the mosaic and getting their key. so they get to work. they live in a cottage attached to the mosaic and they spend hours, days, months on it. just the two of them and the mosaic. this episode is called “a life in a day” which is so perfect you wonder why the writing couldnt be that good within the show.

at the 1 year anniversary, quentin kisses eliot. and eliot kisses him back. and you wonder woah what does this mean?! well keep wondering girl because this tv show does not care to explore any of that. it chugs on and eliot and q fight about “living their lives there” and quentin gets a Wife and has a child with her and then she DIES (leaving her as a narrative incubator rather than an actual character, which is very in line with the sexism of the show). and they grow up and decades pass and the child grows old enough to leave and it seems eliot co-parented him but (again) the tv show doesnt care to show you that. and this whole time theyre working on the mosaic. years and years. eventually they grow old. it’s just the two of them. until eliot dies. quentin goes to bury him in the mosaic plot and he finds a special little tile. he places it in the mosaic. he gets the key. the puzzle is solved. “the beauty of all life”. but quentin is alone. his life companion is gone. and that’s the last we see of him.

we go back in time til before they enter fillory. their friend stops them and she has the key through time shenanigans and they never live that timeline. UNTIL!!!!! they do. they remember it all. what does decades (50 yrs btw) of living happily together mean for them?!? FUCK ALL APPARENTLY!!!! because the next episode (306 if yr keep track) they mention it ONCE AND NEVER AGAIN. and there is so much beneath the surface with the looks and the line that mentions it (“go be life partners with someone else” eliot says jokingly in a manner that shouldve been the catalyst to quentin’s magic-induced suicide spiral later that episode).

ok quentin does mention it once more to his dying dad. but nothing about his Male Life Partner Of Fifty Years. Nothing. they dont even talk about it with their best friends, leading one to believe they just kept it a secret . which. okay.

okay. so theyre apart til the last episode of the season. and quentin decides to sacrifice himself by locking himself in a cage with a monster for all of eternity. he says the quest prepared him for it which is yikesss. eliot refuses. but quentin insists. they travel to the prison (he gets back together with his gf during this trip btw they had been apart that season after some shit. one of their worst writing decisions i hate this stupid ass cockroach relationship). quentin almost exchanges himself. then eliot shoots the monster. dooming them all.

so the monster doesnt die. instead he possesses eliot. and that becomes the story for season 4. at first quentin and co think eliot is dead. and it’s devastating lol. an interesting thing is that the monster was so. touchy with quentin. unbearably so. it’s such a perverse reflection of eliot’s touch. which is sorta pointed out by quentin in this quote (paraphrase) “i know it’s not eliot. but he has his face and his eyes…”

anyhow 405. hahahahahaha. so this episode it’s revealed eliot is alive but trapped in his own head. and to get out for a moment and tell his friends he’s alive, he needs to confront his most terrible most shameful memory. the whole episode is him trying to figure out what it is. meanwhile, quentin and co are setting up a plan to kill the monster. and quentin breaks up with his gf (lol). in a deleted scene that WAS shown in promo they argue about the monster. and quentin says “im team eliot”. lol

anyhow, eliot’s hit a dead end. he cant figure the worst thing that’s happened in his life. then his memory of quentin (theyve been hangin out) says he’ll “sacrifice” himself if he had to. eliot smiles and says “i know youre just a memory… but youre a very generous one.” and quentin says— (im reciting this from memory btw all of this has been from 4 years of NON STOP thinking about it) quentin says “well you sacrifice for the people you love” and he gives eliot a VERY pointed look. and then it dawns on eliot. and the guilt is instantly palpable.

hahahahha. hahaha. hahahahahaha. okay so eliot goes to the memory he knows is the worst thing he’s ever done. his most traumatic memory, after a lifetime of violent homophobia and bad choices. the person possessed before him described this memory as being “the day he left home”.

the memory? the day they remembered their past lives. did it happen? fifty years. it happened.

theyre sat under a wedding arch (that was the b plot of the episode lol). it’s beautiful. eliot watches the memory play out, standing in front of the seated figures. the guilt. the guilt.

outside, the tension is building. the plan to kill the monster is in motion. quentin has to coax him to a certain spot. he has to look at him as he kills his best friend.

eliot doesnt know this but he gets anxious watching it play out. there is a certainty that this is it. the first time viewer has no idea whats going on. we never saw the direct aftermath of them remembering. we always assumed there wasnt anything.

well a year after 305 aired, a yr after thinking THAT WAS IT, they recontextualize Everything.

it is worth saying here that in the promo interviews leading up to season 4, quentin’s and eliot’s actors were sussing it UP. quentin’s at some point talks on q’s queerness, saying it was the one aspect of his life he didnt feel anxious about.

well

what happens is that quentin asks eliot for a relationship. remember how it was quentin who first kissed eliot? it happens again. heart on his fucking sleeve. i can recite this scene pretty well so im going to fucking do it:

did it happen? fifty years. it happened. it was sort of beautiful. it really was. i know this is gonna sound dumb but … us. i mean we work. we know it cause we lived it. who gets that proof of concept? (eliot smiles uneasily) we just got injected with fifty years of memories so i get that youre not thinking clearly. no im just saying… what if we gave it a shot, would that be so crazy? (eliot looks down, worried and thoughtful. quentin smiles RADIANTLY it is BLINDING) why the fuck not?

editors opinion: quentin is such a beautiful person. to be so truthful about something so scary is unthinkable. especially in context of him being so hopelessly and quietly in love his childhood best friend, and his whirlwind romance with previously mentioned gf, and all the tragedy he endured with these two. but this is someone who loves with his whole heart. what was he supposed to do? contain it?

then eliot hardens.

i know you and you arent… whats the matter? dont be naive it matters. (pause) q i love you but… that isnt me and that definitely isnt you. not when we have a choice. (quentin looks away. he wipes his eye) oh. okay. sorry.

and silence. the real eliot, the eliot who isnt the memory, looks on. tired and angry, he speaks to himself:

what the hell is wrong with you? what the hell are you doing? someone Good and True… Loves you. yeah it was a little crazy but you knew. you knew this truly mattered. and you just SNUFFED IT OUT.

then he looks to the memory of quentin. soft as the clouds:

q. im sorry. i was afraid. and when im afraid i run away.

then he kisses him. and he hits you with the thesis of the episode:

if i ever get out of here q… know that when im braver it cause i learned it from you.

well

thats his most traumatic memory. he is granted passage to consciousness. what is the first thing he sees? quentin. the real quentin.

q? (smiles) q (laughs) it’s me. it’s eliot. ok come on no games. it’s eliot. i said no games. (eliot looks around, worried as all hell) fifty years (he walks towards q) who gets proof of concept like that? what? peaches and plums motherfucker (this is the symbol to their mosaic life) im alive in here. (eyes as wide as saucers, heart in his throat) eliot…

and he ruins their plans of killing the monster. “eliot’s alive.”

then the episodes keep rolling. “eliot eliot eliot. why do you care so much about him?” “because i do.” and “wow i love that plan. except the part where it doesnt save eliot.” quentin gets back with his gf for reasons only the devil knows. but fine ok whatever quentin and eliot will HAVE to talk post-saving. even if the writers ignore it once more they have some kind of relationship. and they do save eliot in the finale! you know who they dont save? lmfao

quentin dies. in a manner that many including myself found weird and unsatisfactory and suicidal. and he never gets to know how eliot feels. never. he’s just gone. their story means nothing 💯

editors note: this ending broke me. i was using the show as a depression crutch, so a fate so hopeless ruined me. cant blame the show for my mistake but being so technically bad certainly didnt help.

well when the show came back for its next (and final lol) season, they did attempt closure for eliot and quentin. for some reason this was all contained in 3 episodes, most of it in the third (503) but what the fuck ever. it has its moments.

the episode is basically about eliot and alice (q’s gf i dont think ive mentioned her name. sorry alice) going on a mini quest up a treacherous mountain for grievers to return a piece of quentin’s soul back to the underworld. their fights are soooo funny. toxic lover vs almost-lover.

alice at some point says “well he was MY boyfriend this is MY pilgrimage and you just TAGGED ALONG” and (blood obviously boiling) eliot goes “right, because he meant nothing to me”. and this highlights something so sneakily homophobic about this whole affair. quentin and eliot’s relationship never mattered to the narrative as much as all the other straight relationships, especially quentin and alice’s. like i said, they would separate for entire seasons. you will be happy to know that not 1 episode goes by without quentin and alice conflicting and making up conflicting and etc. i dont understand how quentin and eliot’s relationship wasnt important enough. they were best friends, they kissed multiple times and had sex AT LEAST once if the mosaic subtext isnt considered. and the mosaic… it isnt just that they lived together for 50 yrs and raised a child and were happy, something they couldnt quite grasp in their old lives… they achieved the beauty of all life. that is a monumental achievement that shouldve changed not only their lives, but their stories.

the thing about the confession is that it wasnt planted in s3. talking about 405, the writers said they came up with it while working on that episode. it was essentially a retcon. though its inclusion explains why they didnt talk about it literally, it doesnt excuse the narrative outright ignoring it. it DEFINITELY doesnt account for why it ignored the rest of the SAME SEASON it was ESTABLISHED IN. if this was quentin and alice, they would be talking about it nonstop. and guess the fuck what when they get back together it is *non stop*.

SO. 503. they are on their pilgrimage. tensions build. eliot hallucinates quentin’s voice (it’s a soundbite from the mosaic when eliot dies which is depressing). they meet another traveller who is grieving his long dead boyfriend.

the traveller asks who theyre grieving and alice goes My Boyfriend and eliot looks away and says he knew him as a friend and it’s so sad it makes me want to die. why did they invent new exciting ways for gay people to be ashamed of who they love. i hate this show.

anyway the traveller talks about his boyfriend and how he was a magician who died young and how his dreams were haunted by him. and eliot is listening so intensely you want to jump hale appleman for being so good at this acting thing. alice goes to sleep and leaves the two alone. then they really start talkin:

(the traveller asks) have you ever had love? (eliot smiles small, hesitant) love…? yeah love. (pause) the friend we’re putting to rest. (traveller is delightfully shock) wasnt just a friend.

truly truly truly cant describe to you how much it physically pains me that it took 2 seasons and for one of them to die and a conversation with a stranger to get to this point. why wasnt this always part of the narrative. why does this only matter now after 2 yrs of fans badgering you about why this isnt part of the fucking show despite BEING PART OF THE FUCKING SHOW! it is dead obvious this was never the intent so even with something that should feel right feels wrong because the show never wanted it. it never wanted quentin to be in love with eliot. but it doesnt make sense if he isnt. i hate this show.

the convo continues 🙄:

does she know? oh god no. a torrid secret affair. (eliot looks away) no, nothing like that.

and i wish eliot was given a proper story. i wish i knew what was going on in his head through all of this. i wish i wish.

so it is revealed that quentin and eliot “had love” and that eliot is keeping it a secret (a revelation considering they werent intimate on screen past the 1 yr anniversary, they were only ever referred to as best friends by cast and crew, AND even what they were was obscured in the confession scene. and their feelings didnt matter past 405 fuck this world). this is huge. it should be huge. eliot’s first arc is about how he cant fall in love until he does and gets his heart broken. quentin’s stories are so wrapped up in alice that having another love interest should complicate that entirely. it doesnt.

the climax of the episode is when eliot expresses difficulty of letting go of quentin and alice says “he was your friend” and eliot replies (quick as if not meaning to) “he wasnt just my friend.” and wowww. how cathartic. the first time in the history of the show they talk about it. 5 seasons btw.

and eliot tells her about the mosaic and how “we loved each other for a really really long time.” and how he told him to fuck off and how he died for him and how he was never able to talk to him again. he just died.

and that part is supposed to be cathartic too. it feels cathartic for eliot the character at least. but to me the Viewer. i was sick of how they were trying to appeal to MY thoughts of what he should be feeling. as if trying to placate me. cuz if it was soo important it wouldnt just been solved after this episode. he DGAF about quentin after this. i dont get it. why cant they write a proper story.

well one line that stuck with me and i truly felt was this:

alice: he was pretty in love with you eliot: i wouldnt say that alice: .. i would

and then eliot looks at her the most devastated a man can look.

thats it. that’s quentin and eliot. a heartfelt and final fuck this show. the fic goes crazy esp the 2019 shit.

[whenishipiluxurycruiseit]

After reading some twts about how the reveal should not affect the kaishin fandom bc of how old it is and how most old shippers had the suspicion of kaishin being related and proceeded to not care and accept and even ship them more leads me to the acceptance stage and the realization stage where this is all fiction and not true thus it will not affect anyone greatly and most of us should realize this too HAHAHA

I mean i had my suspicions too ya know but like i was expecting them to be distantly related not this closely related gahdang gosho JAGDHSHS also i was kinda closing my eyes when i saw how similar toichi and yuusaku looked like when i saw them so AHDGSHS lovelies lets just think that the reveal made the ship spicer that ever

Kaishin may be cousins and what? Its fiction, this ship is old, there are even more worse ships than this, will this hurt anyone? No (unless ur really in deep like delusional deep), will this change the world? No, will this affect your daily life? No, will this change your morals? For me no, cause i know they are not real, why on earth would they change my morals.

Honestly its not just kaishin, there are a lot of ships with this kind of relationship, and other shippers must realize the fact that they are not real and no one will get hurt. If you get disturbed by the fact that we ship cousins/twins/siblings then you may close your eyes and move one to the other post, im not like validating this bc in the real and current world this may seem disturbing but everyone must know the difference between real and fiction, do not do what fiction do but you may learn what fiction do, just put it at the back of your head as an additional knowledge and the possibility that some other people might mix up fiction and real life.

Anyways so much for the monologue JAGSHS

THE REVEAL FIRED ME UP INTO MAKING ANOTHER PROMPT YEEEEY

Like im not even focusing abt how kaishin is cousins anymore but at why toichi did that to his son, what is incest compared to betrayal (not rlly cause kaito still didnt know hes alive BUT STILL THATS HIS KID??? HIS CHILD IN THE EYES OF DANGER?? AND HE LET HIS CHILD DO THAT?? BOY?)?

Like i know he protects kaito at the side (it was on magic kaito 1412 i forgot what episode) but he protects kaito with kaito experiencing trauma bc how tf how dare u use my dead dads face you traitor like that like bro??

I dont even also think that chikage knew that her husband is alive, only yuusaku (like wow cute they mustve been such close siblings but thats not the point) knows that hes alive and yuusaku probs only also knows cause hes yuusaku and yuusaku knows everything in just once glance for some weird ass reason

ANYWAYS SO

My prompt is that (please know that some of the characters are ooc!!! Esp the parents cause they dont show much wth JAGDHSH also ill put in a oc for plot purposes WAHSGAHSGA)

Shinichi, still as conan, was in a pinch and was suddenly saved by a mysterious guy. Whom he thought was like akai san but he sensed someone different like.. KID? No.. dad??

Toichi who saw a kid who looked like his nephew when he was a child is being chased by men in black (who suspiciously looked like snake for some reason but snake doesnt wear shades in the dark cause thats a foolish move) decided to help him and lose the pursuers off his back

“Boya are you ok?” “…..(hmm? What is this feeling.. i feel like i’ve met him somewhere but..)” “boya?” “Ah! Un! Thank you uncle!”

Toichi suddenly thought of shinichi when he heard conans voice saying uncle, it sounds just like 10 yrs ago when he visited yuusakus house to teach yukiko the art of disguise

Toichi then took conan to his guardians when he found out that his parents was in america apparently (1) and he also found out that his guardians were the mouris (2) which was 2 points of suspicion which wasnt that bad but just weird cause why didnt his younger brother tell anything, not that that shit tells him anything at all. Adding to the fact that he has not seen his attention loving smart nephew in the news for a while now then pops out a child that looks like him makes the suspicion highly likely. (Their family kinda has a knack for attracting dangerous orgs, from what he seen to himself and his son, he just hopes his younger brother and nephew didnt get it (which was highly unlikely now too))

Consider his suspicions correct when his younger brother decides to okay dumb (he knows ok, theyre twins for a reason and hes a older brother for a reason) the problem now was which shady org was it and how much does his nephew and younger brother know….

2 weeks later he found out

Apparently he wasnt the only one suspicious of someone

His, (knew it), dear shrunken nephew was too! Bc of one comment from mouri kun (have we met somewhere before?) and his suspicions were proven right when he saw yuusakus phone lying around with his message on the notif screen

(Toichis so proud, thats my nephew, be nosy kid you will go far in life)(it made his nephew cute too 🥰)

and color him suprised when his nephew has a shady org at his back too (he was kinda hoping that his nephew only stumbled on the scene of the crime that was he was chased not being a victim himself sighs the family curse)

and toichi and his nephew (whom just found out they were related with the first kaitou kid, who was supposed to be dead) made an alliance! (it kinda feels good to not only have one person know about your secrets, it also makes him relieved that his nephew has a lot of trusted people at his back other than some bigass shady org)

it also makes toichi happy that his son could be himself (not just kaitou kid but really being kaito his son whom he left with his wife toprotecttonotpullintothismessbutthey-) with his cousin

his son was inlove with his cousin

oh shit

yuusaku why did we not let them meet again

how he found out? he got the front seat

with snake

but does that really matter

(is akai kun included when hes so far away from the build the confession was happening)

(akai kun just shoot snake pls)

then it all went to shit (from his perspective cause wdym kaito did not even notice snake was there so its ok uncle shinichi kun did u also not notice my mental breakdown too)

they apprehended snake, and found out he was just some lackey in the black org and wanted to be the same lvl as gin so hes chasing after some immortality granting stone (yea hes not gonna be on the same lvl as gin hes stupid says his dear cutified nephew)

he told his younger brother about the confession

his younger brother knew all along ever since he caught kaito sneaking in their house to leave a jewel that he stole and saw him caress shinichis face.. yuusaku told him with the face of did u really not see that coming, we never let them meet when they were old enough to remember.

like valid? but at least share the tea gahdang

yukiko also knows? brother? i thought bros before hoes? (he nearly got mauled to death by his mystery loving younger brother, bc how dare you call my wife a hoe? ur the hoe u *spits real talk that hurts*)

after yuusaku hurt him internally he has come to the fact that yea he was worse than his son.. (also who can blame him, shinichi kun has yukikos genes (not that his darling wife is any less beautiful than yukiko, his wifes beauty came from being reckless and he likes that in his woman sighs i miss my wife) and their reckless genes so, with his wifes beautiful and shiny loving gene with his reckless loving gene, shinichi, conan, his nephew was the perfect person for his son. not ignoring the fact that shinichi kun is also a very understanding person. his nephew grew a lot (internally cause well.. he shrunk physically))

and now shinichi is looking at him weirdly

no way

did he not hear his sons confession

"shin kun... what did you think about what my son said to you?" "hm? ah that chase?... isnt it just a chase? oh im sorry uncle if i hurt kaito, it was needed to make it look convincing haha, i dont plan on capturing him rn dw!" "... oh! its ok shin kun ^^"

it was not okay, how does his nephew not notice his sons confession to him? (his son was a child of two phantom thieves, making a heist even grander than it already is shows that his son is courting his nephew SO HOW TF- oh, oh yuusaku just told him that every heist shinichi went to was always that grand so he might not see the difference? oh. oh my gosh.)

how to break this to his son who thought his father was dead

yuusaku just smiled (useless asshole, just bc hes still close to his son even though his son is in another identity now and can still pretend to be his new sons identities father bc of the disguising art that toUICHI HIMSELF TAUGHT HIM)

shinichi kun said to wait till evrything was over, or wait till the black org is down cause he will help explain too cause he hid it too after knowing his undeadness (at least his nephew was helpful, might be yukikos gene)

"you know, ever since i met kaitou kid, i knew that i might need his help to bring this org down, but i never knew that it would be the first kaitou kid that will help me hehe"

his nephew is so cute (yep its yukikos genes, yuusaku could never be like that anymore, still regrets the day where he showed off to his younger brother his magician skills)

the org was brought down but the antidote for shinchis problem still hasnt been made but time is an essence they need to reveal the truth to his family now or it might get worse

family reunion time! :DDDDDDDDD

shinichi went to get his son and wife while he and his younger brother prepares his execution letter

(if u wanna know how shinichi went to get kaito and chikage pls comment! ill write it up on the other post)

"yukiko chan can u-" "nope"

"yuusaku istg id u dont help me we're twins for a reason if i die you die too" "fk u" (helps him)

then it all went to shit (pt 2) (shinichi kun can see it now too, toichi thinks even hakase next door can feel it)

his son did not walk out bc of shinichi kun ("kaito, listen to you father please, you know my situation, its kind of the same but in your fathers case, you are ran" "at least you were close to her!" "does it really matter when all she saw was conan not shinichi?" "but-!" "kaito, the woman i love is slipping before my eyes because i cant go to her like before now! everytime i go back to my body temporarily all i think about is how she will get hurt if the organization realizes i was one of the victims they failed to kill and will go after her and her family and friends! there are numerous people in the org who already knew about my real identity, they mightve been killed or decided to not tell about it but there is no saying they might decide to not do the opposite!"

[thatscarletflycatcher]

There's something that has been gnawing at me since I saw some comments on the look-how-they-massacred-them poll for Daniel Sousa -with which I didn't want to engage then and there because I really didn't want to pick up a fight with another Daniel fan, there's few enough of us, but also because the argument was very difficult to articulate.

It is difficult to explain how Daniel Sousa is screwed over by Endgame without making it look like either "he deserved Peggy as a prize" or "he was the perfect prize for Peggy", because it all begins by understanding the experience of WWII and the building of the morale of WWII. Something that Markus and McFeely seemed to perfectly understand in Agent Carter, which inclines me to believe it was specific insistence of the Russos, whose concept of narrative and storytelling is at the level of a belligerent and not very bright 4 year old, that gave us that mindblowingly stupid "happy ending" for Cap and Peggy. Or maybe Markus and McFeely are just arcane creatures, at times intelligent and at times really dumb. Anyways.

Point is that both CATFA and Agent Carter understand that for these characters, fighting WWII is a matter of "each doing their bit", of, as Steve put it in The Avengers, to lay on the barbed wire so the one that comes after you can pass on. And in the process of doing that, you have great loses and suffer great grief. The price of war is immense, and for these people the price of war is the price of freedom (yes, that celebrated Steve speech from CATWS is also sharing in that same spirit. It's kind of impressive how until that awful mess of Endgame, the perspective of Steve as a character from movie to movie is one that addresses how some 1940s things are outdated, but how many others are still relevant and inspiring. It is a surprisingly nuanced take on History, that of course the Russo "Cap is an outdated relic that belongs in the past and should stay there" brothers don't seem to have what's needed to grasp).

In that context, the most coherent tone for Steggy is tragedy. Because that is what happened to many, many, many people during the war. You meet, you fall in love fast, because there is no time. And then suddenly the other is gone, never to come back. And all the promises of youth and life and future the other person represented, are gone with them. People who lived through 2020-2022 have some idea of what it is like for projects, opportunities, and years of your life to just vanish. Now you make that five years, eight months, and to mention "just" the British, 1 out every 100 people live in 1939, dead, and over 350.000 permanently disabled. If you were 20 in 1939, your life would be practically on hold till you were 26. It's a whole lot of grief, and an intense grief, that you don't solve the way you solve a random missing connection in a romcom like Serendipity or The Lake House. Doing so is cheapening and bastardizing the grief and trauma of a whole generation of people in different countries.

So, Agent Carter. Here we have a story focused on a group of people, spies, who, in different fronts and with different outcomes, made it through the war and are now facing this new world they are living in, and all the grief of their respective losses. The focus of the story is Peggy, a woman who, like many others, was allowed a wide range of action during the war, and is now subconsiously perceived as a threat by many of her male coworkers. It's a desperate bid to "go back to the way things were before", and her presence is a constant reminder that they can't.

Sousa occupies a very similar position to Peggy's: he's also a reminder that the war happened and that there is no way back, no magic solution, no pretending. And that's why both are ignored, and displaced, and why both struggle to prove themselves in a subconscious way while living by the continued principle that they are doing their bit. That is their lifeline that keeps them sane and working all throughout s1 of Agent Carter.

That's what we mean when we say Peggy and Sousa are equals, and that Sousa is contented with letting her have the spot; not because he's her inferior or her dependant, but because he's her equal -in intelligence, in ideals, in resourcefulness, in loyalty, but also in their relative positions in the power ladder- and does not feel threatened by her because of it.

(It is in this context, btw, that Peggy's rebuke of Daniel's "rescue" of her in the first episode must be understood. Because she was once treated like any other officer/agent of her same rank, she has knee jerk reactions to both being demeaned and being protected. It's also an important theme of that beginning of the series that Peggy needs to learn to let her friends in, and that she needs their help, and that that doesn't make her too weak to protect and defend them.)

But also, in another way, when we talk about Sousa becoming Peggy's husband, it has to do with the sentiment Krezminsky expresses in the series:

The ship of Steggy had sailed and was gone forever since the moment Steve became the legend in the ice and Peggy "Cap's Girl", this embodiment of the ridiculous damsel in distress we hear in the radio drama that plays on one of the episodes: Peggy fell in love with Steve when he was a scrawny, sickly lad, because she loved the man he was inside, but now forever for the world she is just another superficial, weak girl lusting after the handsome godlike rescuer, the picture of the eugenic dream of the übermensch. In Daniel Peggy loves and finds all the same things she found and loved in Steve, but in a different light, because Sousa is a different person, with a different life story, plus something else: they have both gone through war and its loss and grief, and come to the other side in need of rebuilding and finding new meaning in life and hope for the future.

In a world where the Dark, Tall and Handsome Hero of the Six Pack, Alpha Dominance and Endless Stamina reigns supreme, Sousa as a love interest is a remarkable and -sadly- bold statement about the things that truly matter in finding one's life partner.

So I think here is a reasonable point to start talking about Sousa in Agents of SHIELD. Because here's where someone would rationally say "well, but you see, there he's also chosen as a love interest!", and the reasons why context in AoS changes everything are multiple, so let's go there.

But before that, let me make clear that I do wholeheartedly believe the writers of AoS meant to honor Sousa, and sincerely tried to do their best with what they were given. That doesn't change what the end product ended up doing and saying about him.

Like Peggy is the main character of Agent Carter, so Daisy is the main character of Agents of SHIELD. As much as you can say all the team characters are important and get the focus, Daisy is the one which the narrative insists on making the focal point, as the arcs of several seasons hinge on her, and we are expected to sympathize with her first and foremost in any situation in which she is personally involved. But unlike Peggy, Daisy is a superpowered individual. She's more like Steve than Peggy; she's practically a demigod. She is capable of ripping Earth apart with just her hands. Where Peggy and Sousa were equals in the power ladder in-universe, in AoS the distance between Daisy and Sousa is abysmal. That imbalance is the first thing that leads to Sousa being put in the position of Daisy's Boy. The fact that he ends up in space with Daisy's last minute sister who is ALSO an inhuman does not help things.

As a side note, there's something to be said about futuristic prosthetics in AoS and how they interesect with disability. But I'd rather not get into it because it is a thorny subject and I don't feel qualified to speak of it.

In a different way, Daniel being Peggy's love interest in Agent Carter is balanced out by his having a life of his own and many interactions with other characters throughout the series. He pursues his own lines of investigation, he conducts interrogations of his own, he comes up with plans, he teams up with Krezminsky and with Thompson and in s2 he has downright made a life for himself as chief in California with a fiancé and all. There is a clear sense that he exists as a character outside of pining for Peggy.

In AoS, the opposite happens. Part of it is owed to the writers writing themselves into a corner: to take Sousa out of his timeline, they have to do it in such a way that his disappearance is inconspicuous, which means killing him. They do it the best way they can think of, honoring his alertness and intelligence, by making him realize HYDRA is infiltrated in SHIELD decades before anyone else does. But as a consequence, Sousa becomes the man out of time: there's no future for him, because he has died, and unlike Steve, he's not being brought back because he himself is required. They just save him because they take pity on him and the tragedy of his life. So he has no mission and no significant previous connection with anyone on the team. One of the concrete things in which this is evidenced the most is with the switch from being addressed as chief Sousa to Agent Sousa. He was chief, but between that SHIELD and this SHIELD there's not such a connection by which he can claim that title. There's no subordinates to manage. So he's sort of default-called agent without really being a proper agent.

So the writers choose the fish-out-of-water concept for him. Which is far fetched. This guy lived through wwii in a high spy setting where intelligence has knowledge of powerful interstellar aliens. He's most definitely not bewildered by phone cameras, guys. He would quickly adapt... if, again, you know, he was brought back for a mission. But the reality is that from a Doylist POV, he was brought in to be Daisy's love interest, and the only thing he can offer to her, in this huge power imbalance I have pointed out, is chivalrous manners and quaint WWII style references like when he tells her "Agent Johnson, we are going home"; both can be very charming to a modern woman, but they are things that highlight the cultural and psychological distances that separate them, and make it glaringly obvious that they have barely anything in common.

The series tries desperately to give them common ground in the time-loop episode, with this idea that Daisy is like Peggy because she sacrifices herself for others and to protect others all the time. Which is laughable because, again, in Daisy's condition of beloved main character that embodies the tortured, quasi byronic heroine that we understand to be the hallmark of about one half of the contemporary superhero type, the narrative and the characters in it bend all sorts of ways to accommodate her, not the other way around. Peggy's type is different because it is rooted in that WWII morale/frame I was talking about at the beginning of the post.

As a consequence of all of this, Sousa barely interacts with anyone that isn't Daisy (he has of personal scenes, what? one or two with Coulson, the scene where Jemma gives him a new prosthetic, and then he's given an idea to give to Mac in the finale. I don't remember any other non-Daisy ones), has no unique role to fulfill in the mission (specially because so much of the plan is entwined in Fitz and Jemma's rescue plan that was NOT counting with Sousa) and no personal goal to achieve, which weakens his standing as a character outside the romance plot, and when it comes to the romance plot, he has nothing in common with Daisy, and he brings nothing to the partnership other than... narratively forced love, and chivalrousness.

In the end, Daniel, who was a character and a person of relevance in Agent Carter, is nerfed and turned into a prop for the rushed happily ever after of the main character of AoS. And that, in my books, is being screwed over. That's what makes his becoming Peggy's husband and building a life and a future with her a much better and more preferable outcome for Daniel; he gets to build a life of meaning by his own significant work and significant connections, in his own time and place, with a wife who is his equal and with other people that have lived through the same collective experiences of trauma and grief he did.

[pruneunfair]

How I think the OG stories of otome isekai would be viewed if they were real.

Sodom and the holy grail (How to get my husband on my side)

From the tidbits of the og story we get, Sodom and the holy grail focused more on politics then romance with the plot being about rebelling against Ruby's father and other corrupt church members, Rudbeckia would be a minor antagonist in the way of the main ship of Izek and the FL Freya and as we are told, the entire Borgia family would've been killed off by Izek after Rudbeckia poisons Ellen. It'd probably be well liked for focusing more on gritty politics and tragedy than shojo romance and as far as we know, Freya wouldn't be a terrible FL since the narrative would have no reason to make her awful: 8.5/10

May rest be at your side (the tyrants only perfumer)

there isn't a lot revealed about this one, only that Ariel was the villainess and the og fl would show up on time instead of waiting to make her big entrance. It looks like a basic rofan so I'll just guess it'd be an underrated and cliché story: 5/10

Snow white (not sew wicked step-mom)

Its literally just another iteration of snow white, so it would have all the basic stuff in snow white. The apple, evil step-mom, magic mirror, dwarves, and a healing kiss. Plus some historical points for the fact that the cannon ending for Abigail in the og story was being forced to dance with burning hot shoes which was how the evil queen died in the Grimms brother version. :7/10

Lovely princess

As the title implies, Jennette is a lovely princess along with her sister Athy. It's been described as a basic unoriginal found family tale with Jennette being loved by everyone including her murderous father with a backstory that she had a wicked mother who used magic to have Jennette. It ends with Athy being unjustly executed for the false crimes of poisoning Jennette while the latter lives on with a happily ever after. This would probably be universally despised if it were a real story for the bullshit reason Athy was killed off and the lack of care for it: 2/10

Lady Lily (the villainess maker)

Its another basic damsel in distress and Prince charming tale that's canonically a dumpster fire since it was written by a 14 year old, from what I could remember Charlotte invents a new form of skirt/dress for women to wear at balls and she catches the eye of a few men, it's so terrible that it ceases to function and ends up in a loop if things dont go according to how they are supposed to, so it's basically the average wattpad fanfic. 1/10 for being such an inconsistent mess the villainess maker plays into how stupid it is.

I don't think this one ever got a name but it's the og-story from Today the villainess has fun again

Iris is a poor Viscounts daughter who sets out on her own and becomes a maid. After a while of hardwork, she finds herself back into regal life after the crown prince and Reilynns fiance takes a liking to her, from there Iris has multiple men to choose from and along the way she opens up a perfume store I think?. This sounds like the type that would do so well on a webtoon but everywhere else would roast the shit out of it and side with Reilynn. 3/10

The flower from another world (divorcing my tyrant husband)

The FL Aisha travels to another dimension where she meets the Emperor and they fall in love. The "villainess" Robelia gets shoved to side and dies while Alexandros makes Aisha the empress. I feel like if this were a real manhwa, they'd probably vilifiy Robelia to justify Aisha butting into another relationship but as is, this story would probably also be despised for its treatment of Robelia. 1/10

Bridgette wants to be happy (Seducing the villains father)

The og plot was Bridgette as the FL and her love interest learning to heal from the traumas of the past that affected their parents lives. Characters would be mostly different since Yerenica and Erudian would be dead and Soleia may not even be a main character, that would be her son Dekalb. So we are talking a tragic story with a happy ending. This sounds like something I would actually read and I can see it being popular if it were real. 9/10

Stop obsessing over me brother! (Not your typical reincarnation story)

Self explanatory. I feel like this would just be some weird as step-bro fetishist crap judging by the title and the fact that Killian and Cliff really are Rhyses de-facto older brothers. Edith really did this one a favor by stepping in: 0/10

[tydolson]

The Monster You Created: A Psychoanalytic Analysis of Jinx

What happens when the person you used to be–the person others beg you to be, the good person you once were–is buried and repressed so deeply within you that even you can’t find them? What happens when society and the people you care about continuously push you in opposite directions and try to force you to shape your sense of worth, identity, and belonging to their image? How is it possible to know who you truly are? In the hit Netflix show Arcane, based on the Riot Games multiplayer online battle arena game League of Legends, these questions are explored, as we are introduced to a character with two names, but one very tragic story.

The first name we are introduced to is Powder, an innocent, naive, and deeply-loving young girl who would do anything to earn her family’s (especially her sister’s) approval. Despite being smaller and weaker than her peers, she is extremely smart for her age and uses her mechanical skills to create gadgets and traps (though they often fail at critical moments). The second name we are given is Jinx. This version of the character is an unpredictably violent and emotionally unstable alter ego of her younger self. Her entire personality revolves around causing chaos and destruction. These are two completely different identities, yet, the internal battle between the two–this shift from Powder to Jinx–plays a central role in the story as the fractured character descends into madness and ultimately becomes the monster society expected her to be. In Arcane, Jinx embodies the consequences of deep-seated childhood trauma that is left untreated and her tragic story serves as a very effective case study of the mental and psychological consequences of neglecting the mental health of society's most vulnerable.

Arcane is a story about two orphaned sisters, Vi and Powder, growing up in a post-civil war society. They are raised by their adoptive family in the impoverished, underground slums that are located across the river from the prosperous city of Piltover. During a botched heist in an affluent part of the city, Powder steals a very powerful, magical crystal. Powder creates a bomb out of this crystal to help aid her family in recusing her adoptive father, Vander, from certain death at the hands of a powerful crime lord named Silco. However, as Vi, Vander, and the rest of her family are about to make their escape, Powder sets off the bomb, which unbeknowest to her, results in the death of Vander, as well as her adoptive brothers, Claggor and Mylo. After Vi tearfully exchanges her last words with her adoptive father, Powder finds Vi and excitedly tells her the good news: her bombs finally worked! Then her eyes shift towards the charred body of Vander lying dead in the street and the bloodied goggles of Claggor, and Powder realizes what she has done. Overwhelmed by grief, Vi strikes Powder, blames her for the deaths of their family, and labels her as a "Jinx." She then leaves the area to process her emotions, but is soon arrested, further abandoning the guilt-ridden and traumatized Powder in her time of need.

The story resumes after a significant time jump, focusing on Vi’s journey to dismantle the criminal empire of Silco with Caitlyn, a police enforcer from the upper city. The only problem is that Silco, who spared, consoled, and adopted Powder after the tragedy of her youth, manipulated her into embracing her violent and destructive tendencies and becoming the villainous character of Jinx. While Vi is determined to save her sister from the grip of darkness, she must confront the violent monster Jinx has become, and one that Vi played a large part in creating.

The story of Arcane serves as a very nuanced exploration of how trauma shapes and breaks people; in recent media, Jinx definitely stands out as one of the most compelling and tragic examples of this transformation. The depth of her suffering and the very poor, emotionally-charged, and extremely violent choices she makes throughout the series demonstrate how unprocessed trauma can manifest in such destructive behaviors. Her actions, fractured psyche, and the lengths Jinx goes to in order to escape her pain can be further understood through the lens of psychoanalytic theory. To understand Jinx’s psychological turmoil, it’s essential to examine how her id, superego, and ego function within her character. In psychoanalytic theory, the id represents the impulsive, irrational, and desire-driven urges a person feels and sometimes acts on without regard for morality or societal expectations. In Arcane, Jinx's id manifests through her impulsive and chaotic behaviors, particularly in her “Jinx” persona. She bombs houses during a celebration in Piltover. She kills Enforcers and members of the Fireflies group with no remorse. She villianises Caitlyn, Vi’s partner, and attempts to kill her multiple times in front of Vi. This persona fully embraces the chaos and destruction as a means of coping with her pain.

In contrast, the superego serves as a moral compass, which guides behavior through guilt, ideals/morals, and societal norms. Although Jinx’s superego is present within her, it is profoundly fractured. She longs for love and acceptance, but she is plagued by her past actions. The intense guilt and shame that she experiences and represses often surfaces as auditory and visual hallucinations of the loved ones she killed, and they haunt/terrify her throughout the series. On top of this, Jinx’s fractured psyche is further complicated by her ego, which is trying to mediate the chaotic impulses of her id and also the overwhelming guilt and shame/need for acceptance that comes from her superego. This constant struggle results in her character’s extreme instability. Understanding the dynamics and the relationship between Jinx's id, superego, and ego lays the foundation needed to examine the core issues in her psyche that ultimately influence her recurring dysfunctional and self-destructive behaviors throughout the series.

The most obvious core issue of Jinx is her insecure sense of identity that is shaped by her low self esteem/worth. Throughout Arcane, she does not know who she truly is and this is largely because her self-worth is so heavily influenced by external validation from the people she cares about. In the second episode of the series, when Powder is talking about her small stature and machines not working, she expresses to Vi that she doesn’t feel good enough; Vi responds with, “You know, Powder, what makes you different makes you strong” (Some Mysteries Are Better Left Unsolved, 00:34:14-00:34:18), however, when Powder wants to assist during the rescue operation of Vander, she is dismissed and told she isn’t ready or capable by her sister. Then, after the traumatic incident that leads to the death of her family, Powder asks Vi why she left her out of the mission since she only wanted to help. Vi responds with, “Because you're a jinx. Do you hear me? Mylo was right” (The Base Violence Necessary for Change, 00:35:55-00:35:59).

This dismissal of her worth and subsequent abandonment by Vi shatters Powder’s mentality and creates a very deep fissure in her identity. Although Vi later attempts to “bring back” Powder by asserting that the destructive and violent “Jinx” is not her true self, Silco’s exploitation and grooming of Jinx makes her believe that her sister is wrong. This is evident when Jinx says, “Stop calling me that. It's Jinx now. Powder fell down a well.” (When These Walls Come Tumbling Down, 00:35:06-00:35:11). This is further reinforced when Silco tells her, “You need to let Powder die. So the fear of pain will no longer control you. You're strong now. Just like you were always meant to be. Jinx is perfect” (Everybody Wants to Be My Enemy, 00:29:55- 00:30:10). Vi planted the idea that being different is what makes Powder strong and gives her the nickname; Silco then weaponizes and distorts this belief to further her transformation into the destructive and weaponized “Jinx” identity.

The other core issue that profoundly shapes her development and is a large source of Jinx’s psychological turmoil is her deep seated fear of abandonment. From the beginning of the show, it is shown explicitly that this fear is a central part of her character. Vi abandons her twice: the first time when she forces Powder to stay behind during Vander’s rescue operation, and the second time when she leaves her after the explosion that killed their family (technically three threes if you would count Vi saying that she would not kill Cailtlyn to “bring back” and run away with “Powder”). This second abandonment is particularly significant because Vi doesn’t return after emotionally scarring Powder, and Powder presumes her to be dead for nearly a decade after this. With no one else to turn to, the only person Powder has left is Silco, and her fear of losing him or being abandoned again drives Powder to become an essential tool in his criminal operations. This is because she is desperately eager to please him at all costs. Silco is very manipulative towards her, but there’s also genuine care and familial love in their relationship, which makes Jinx even more terrified of losing his approval.

This deep fear of abandonment reaches a critical point when Silco is offered the chance to secure the Undercity's independence by a councilor of Piltover in exchange for handing over Jinx to the authorities. This deeply troubles Silco and he sits and drunkenly ponders the ultimatum while talking to a statue of Vander. He says, “A thousand times I've imagined this moment. Never like this. All we ever wanted. The boy didn't even haggle. And what do I lose but problems? Oh, it all makes sense now, brother. Is there anything so undoing as a daughter?” (The Monster You Created, 00:17:20-00:18:03) When Jinx hears it, she assumes that Silco thinks lowly of her and will hand her over. In her eyes, this is him admitting that he sees her as a failure or a “screw up” when, in reality, Silco is saying that he would give anything for Jinx. Jinx perceives the mere consideration of this ultimatum as a betrayal and a confirmation of her worst fear: abandonment. Jinx is unable to bear the thought of being abandoned again and absolutely snaps, which leads to her eventually killing Silco. When she realizes what she has done, she, then, immediately comes back to reality and breaks down. To top it all off, Silco’s last words before his death are: "I would never have given you to them. Not for anything. Don’t cry. You’re perfect."(The Monster You Created, 00:32:55- 00:33:06). This profound loss shatters her and marks the moment she loses the last person she believed had not truly abandoned her. It solidifies her preventable transformation into the very entity that she, Vi, and society feared most—the thing referenced in the title of the series' final episode: "The Monster That You Created."

The monster that you created. You. Who is “you”? Vi? Silco? Perhaps the councilors of Piltover? Maybe. While they all play a part, I believe that “you” represents the society that is responsible for perpetrating the neglect of some of the vulnerable individuals that live within them: children. Jinx's story resonates with the very real struggles faced by children in poverty-stricken environments, where the absence of emotional support, economic stability, and the overall turning of the blind eye from the people “across the bridge” leads to a devastating cycle of violence, trauma, and mental instability within already troubled communities. It is truly tragic when you realize that Jinx is an unforgivable villain, but also a victim herself. Powder had the opportunity to be great; she possessed a passion for creation and a remarkable intellect. Later in her life, she was then able to weaponize magic in under a week with junkyard scraps, which was an achievement that took some of Piltover’s brightest minds months to accomplish in a laboratory. Powder’s talents could have been harnessed for good, but the society and the people surrounding her shaped her to fulfill a self-destructive role that ultimately betrays the person she once was and the person that both she, Vi, and the society in Arcane would have wanted her to be.

When we ignore the needs of the vulnerable, we risk shaping a future, a monster, that we fear to acknowledge. Jinx is just a symbol of this very chaos many vulnerable individuals in the real world seek to escape. Any potential for redemption and healing that could have helped Powder/Jinx overcome her childhood trauma is extinguished by the neglect and exploitation she experiences throughout her life. With this said, nothing is going to change unless we confront, address, and work together towards solving the systemic issues that perpetuate these cycles of trauma, poverty, and violence. Acknowledging these realities–looking “across the river–” is the only way Piltover, and our real world society, can begin to forge a path toward genuine change. We can hope, only then, to prevent the creation of new “monsters” and empower society’s most vulnerable, like Powder, with the chance to heal, blossom, and thrive.

(Word Count: 2,149 of content)

[atopvisenyashill]

IF YOU LIKE THIS ASOIAF CHARACTER, I THINK YOU’LL LIKE THIS FARSCAPE CHARACTER

i did a “all gays” thing for my birthday last year but i was too lazy this year. instead here is my opinion of farscape & asoiaf characters, comparing characters i think are similar.

if you like theon greyjoy…i think you’ll like john crichton (he’s the main character).

Conga Line Of Trauma

Very loose grip on reality

Struggles with choosing between the family he’s been kidnapped into and the family he was born into

Top Two best story arcs about male victims of sexual trauma imo

Copes by imagining himself as a character in a story rather than face his reality

Pathetic wet cat of a man

if you like jaime lannister…i think you’ll like aeryn sun

theyre hot shit and everyone knows it even though they hate it - the ☀️ radiant aeryn sun☀️ and “was there ever a man as beautiful and terrible”

Well known for being good at their job (which is killing people)

Idealist that got that idealism beaten out of them

constantly repressing emotions

an arc that is very romance centered but atypical as a traditional romance

if you like brienne and/or sandor…i think you’ll like ka d’argo.

Young, experienced but not too experienced military type

Struggles with idealism and what being a soldier/knight should mean

Not forthcoming about backstory

Struggles with temper

Cool And Important Weapon And Mount

Considered mindlessly violent by many

Very weird about romance and sex

if you like catelyn stark…i think you’ll like pa’u zotah zhaan

religious and maternal

pacifist tendencies but also will cut a bitch if pressed

Infamous for being unpleasant

Traumatic death scenes

Questionable relationship with the concept of dying and staying dead

MILFs

if you like sansa and arya stark…i think you’ll like chiana

Their Series’ Hottest It Girls

Idolizes rebellion leading older brother (who ultimately abandons her in favor of his rebellion)

Desperate for family

Holds emotions close, but highly emotional

Taste for finer things in life

Baby of the group

Struggles with grief and anger

Spunky go getter

Questionable taste in romantic relationships

if you like tyrion lannister….i think you’ll like scorpius

mother died birthing him and he struggles with this immensely

tormented by a crazy ruthless woman in power

feels betrayed by a lover of a lower social status just trying to get by and gets real violent over it

The Anti Villain - has very good reasons to be insane but holy shit is he insane

Always survives despite all odds against him

If you like Joffrey Baratheon…I think you’ll like Dominar Rygel XVI (hear me out!)

Absolute ruler who faces civil war

Wildly misogynistic weirdo

Weak grasp on morality

Turned into a violent, selfish asshole as a trauma response

Hates women yet his deepest, most profound and intimate relationships are with a woman he’s not even fucking

Remains selfish and violent throughout the story but also, if you talk shit about him i will throw hands

if you like samwell tarly…i think you’ll like Pilot.

Couple of sweet fools

Underrated for being a bad ass

Intimate relationship with a Very Cool Lady From A Bad Situation (gilly/moya. moya is a living ship btw).

Just wants to be a nerd and hang with his gf (again, gilly and moya)

Doesn’t believe in himself the way he should

if you like stannis baratheon…i think you’ll like bailar crais.

Is he a hero? is he a villain? is he an anti villain? is he an anti hero? you decide!

loses his everloving mind after his brother dies

sad traumatic childhood backstory

an arc focused on what service and leadership means

[SPOILER REDACTED]

HE thinks he’s the straight man in a circle of freaks and he thinks this while being objectively the biggest freak there

and last but not least let’s go to my babies!!!!

if you like bran stark…i think you’ll like stark.

Overwhelming magical abilities

Connects magically in intimate, voyeuristic ways

Potentially unkillable

Considered a sweetie by Local MILF (his mom/zhaan)

Struggles processing a personal loss

A narrative focus on the importance of bodily autonomy

Doesn’t have as much screentime/page time as he deserves

[jon-snows-man-bun]

4, 9, 16, 26 for the Vanserra Brother ask game!

Can I just say I LOVE these questions you've created? So much fun and so good for fic writers to think through. I'm popping this beneath a cut because I waffled so long. These were really thought provoking!

4. Order the 7 brothers from who has the longest hair to who has the shortest

Honestly... long hair vs short hair Eris depends on my mood and whichever fanart I've seen most recently lmao. I'm easily persuaded he looks so good in everything

Today at this moment:

Lucien definitely has the longest with the way Feyre was waxing poetic about his hair when they were running through Autumn. Eris has the second longest with the iconic Jessica depictions. Elias fifth son comes next (but not in a styled way, in a more lackadaisical dishevelled way), then Damien third son with hair below his shoulders, and finally Cato the fourth son, one of the warriors briefly mentioned in ACOTAR, with short hair.

9. Which brother looks the most like the Lady of Autumn?

Lucien for sure. I imagine this is another thing that differentiates him from the rest of his brothers, and another reason for them to be shitty with him and resent him - he really did take all of her: affection, attention, looks.

16. Rank the brothers from Most Fucked Up to Least Fucked Up by Beron

Oh man. I don't actually think Lucien comes in first, he's done a lot of trauma processing with the centuries in Spring and all his pals there as well as the BoE. He seems to be in a (mostly) healthy place now, notwithstanding the 'Jesminda was not my mate' revelation and the complicated feelings that would bring up.

In my head, Lyam the second son who was the one killed by Tamlin was definitely the most fucked up. Beron would have shaped Eris into what he believes a High Lord should be, then with the second one made a dog to both push Eris harder lest he be usurped and handle the military aspects while Eris handled the political aspects. I think this would have involved a lot of brutality, violence, and self-esteem squashing to shape him into the perfect attack dog and military leader.

Then comes Giles and Elias, the fifth and sixth sons and twins, but indirectly. I think it's accepted fanon that there was a set of twins in the Vanserra brothers and Lucien killed one of them, leaving the other one alive - I've seen this so many times and it just adds so much emotional complexity. Giles is the dead twin in my story, so Elias is completely unmoored and reliant on substance abuse instead of processing his grief and perceived failure because he's a Vanserra Man and they aren't emotional so he can't talk about it. I also imagine he had a caranam/power sharing bond in some way with Giles, leaving him with only half of his magic - we see this with Dagdan and Brannagh, the creepy Hybern incest twins, so in my head that's how twins work in Prythian.

Eris next, he has all the expectation and dealt with Beron's hyperfocus on creating a worthy heir but keeping him dependant on Beron's approval so he wasn't usurped too quickly. Toxic combo

Then Damien, the partyboy third son. Beron would have focused on Eris and Lyam and, typical ignored child, Damien would have started chasing attention in other ways - especially since I imagine the Lady of Autumn was burnt out on both Beron and her violent, unpleasant sons by that point, knowing Beron would want her to have even more.

Cato the fourth son comes next. He would have escaped to the military earliest possible convenience, and been raised by barracks in the way a lot of guys who join the military very young are.

26. Order the 7 brothers from the skinniest to bulkiest 💪

Cato - he probably started taking HGH and creatine way too young, see above point re joining the army

Then Lucien - he got the Mamaserra curvy MILF genes combined with Helion the sex god, so he's literally built different

Eris - he's currently general so he can't be too slim, but he's definitely not rippling with studly muscles you know? More of a lean, fit fencer/tennis player/swimmer type than a rugby player

Damien - wastrel party boy, court fixture, he's not out there training more than he has to in order to get people looking at him shirtless

Elias - literal wastrel, perpetually drunk, high, or hungover.

[wangxianficfinder]

In the mood for...

~*~

1. I’m in a mood for fics with musical cultivation as a big/important part!

The Communication Effect by draechaeli (M, 144k, wangxian, JYL/JZX, MM/WQ, canon divergence, arranged marriage, no golden core transfer, not everyone dies au, wens live, adoption, pregnancy kink, consensual non-con, light bondage, fix-it, WIP)

Hear a song this deeply by so_shhy (T, 87k, wangxian, modern cultivation, music, kid fic, action/adventure, canon typical JGY behavior, slow burn, fluff & angst, happy ending)

❤️ a stone to break your soul, a song to save it by rikke (M, 180k, wangxian, Canon Divergence, arranged marriage) 

anyway, here's wuji by kakikaeru (T, 18k, ZhuiYi, WangXian, LingZhen, Post-Canon) and the rest of the series

The envy of the world by vulnerable_bead (E, 48k, WangXian, Case Fic, Fluff and Smut, Post-Canon, Established Relationship, Canon Compliant, WangXian as teacher(s), WangXian as musicians, Spell-weaving) the climactic scene has WWX and LWJ confronting the antagonist in an elaborate musical-cultivational ritual

(no one else can) take me there by azurewaxwing (G, 4k, wangxian, modern w magic, mixed media, academia, getting together)

~*~

2. Hi! Do you know any fics that are from the perspective of girls/women in the mdzs world? Just fics from the pov of the female disciples and/or cultivators that give a glimpse of what life is like for them.

Alliance of the Traveling Pants by JustAWanderingBabbit (G, 112k, 3Zun, WangXian, WIP, Canon Divergence)

death either way by lastdboy (E, 22k, wangxian, JYL/JZX, canon divergence, not everyone dies au, burial mounds settlement days, alternating pov, fix-it of sorts, burial mounds ensemble as family, heavy angst, hurt/comfort, grief/mourning, presumed character death, angst w happy ending, canon-typical violence, survivor guilt, scheming, politics, demonic cultivator WQ) this one has multiple povs including wen qing and jiang yanli

thunderstorms by antebunny (G, 11k, JYL & WWX, JYL & JC, JYL & YZY, canon divergence, fix-it, character study, BAMF JYL, YZY 's A+ parenting, angst, childhood trauma, hurt/comfort, yunmeng siblings, protective siblings, cultivator JYL, OOC JYL)

Quiet Night Thought by Starlitverses (Not Rated, 64k, WangXian, het wangxian, Arranged Marriage, Canon Divergence, let lwj have friends agenda, lwj and mianmian and wq and jyl friendship, LWJ and NHS friendship, Mutual Pining, YZY Bashing, Bad Parent YZY, LWJ-centric Protective LWJ, Protective WWX, Golden Core Transfer Fix-It, WangXian Get a Happy Ending, Scheming NHS, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies) has female LWJ, pov shifting, focuses a lot on JYL, LQY and WQ and their friendship

someone will remember us by captain_apostrophe, MonocerosRex (M, 39k, ChengQing, MingQing, Prompt Fic, Fluff, yunmeng siblings, Family Feels, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, he gets thoroughly trounced dw, Canon Schmanon, previous generation, Blood, Violence, Guns, Cowboys) an anthology for MDZS Womxn Appeciation Weeks

unblemished by mud by chomrafy (Not Rated, 2k, XuanLi, MXTX Ladies Week, Overprotective Brothers, LQR’s beard, Madam Jin worships LY, Madam Lan lives, WQ Lives, JZX is still dead, Gossip, almost-reunions) includes a canon-divergent moment with WQ, a modern JYL trying to enjoy a date despite the surveillance of her would-be Mall Ninja didis, and a girls’ night out with the parents’ generation

With Surgical Precision by metisket (T, 20k, WQ & WN, WQ & WWX, WangXian, Time Travel, Families of Choice, sibling bonding through murder, Z chirurgiczną precyzją (podfik) by tehanu, [PODFIC] With Surgical Precision by Gwogobo, With Surgical Precision [PODFIC] by Opalsong)

The Cloudweavers《���织之者》 Series by Joythea (G/T, 38k, WangXian, Fluff, slight angst, Seamstress AU, Cloudweaver AU, Post-Canon, Wangxian Fluff, Original Character(s), OC Perspective, Canon Compliant, Comedy, Innuendos) the POV character is one of the titular Gusu Lan seamstresses who make the protective robes, qiankun pouches, and other magical textiles

stare at the sun by chomrafy (not rated, 2k, a-Qing & QS, a-Qing & JRS, canon divergence, fluff, light angst, a-Qing & QS live) QS runs away from Koi Tower to live incognito in a commoner village, taking in AQ as a babysitter for JRS.

~*~

3. Hi Mods! for the next I´m in the mood for, are there fics where lxc apologices to wwx for calling him lwj's mistake?

Of Reflections and Repentance by Admiranda (T, 3k, post-canon, canon compliant, a long overdue apology, it's never too late for a little character development) LXC apologizes to WWX for many things, including what he said in the temple.

~*~

4. Hello, do you have a fic recommendation for canon divergence au where Jin Ling 100th days celebration went differently? Like wwx is escorted by lwj/jc/jin zixuan, or wwx bring a-yuan with him, or he come in disguise, or wwx died instead of jin zixuan, or wwx only send them a gift but didnt come in person, or wwx come a few days earlier or use different road, or something like that? Thank you

The Fire Lapping Up the Creek by notevenyou (E, 66k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Typical Violence, Injury, Injury Recovery, Blood, Respiratory Illness, Major Illness, Fever, Grief/Mourning, Burial Mounds, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Hunger and food scarcity, Surgery, Fix-It of Sorts)

when you're doing all the leaving (then it's never your love lost) by tardigradeschool (T, 26k, WangXian, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Canon Divergence, Sharing a Bed, Sharing Clothes, Fix-It, the inherent eroticism of under robes, Golden Core Transfer)

The Amazing Adventures Of Jiang Xiaolian And Family Series by bumbledees (T, 70k, WangXian, Mutual Pining, Crossdressing, Fake/Pretend Marriage, Happy Ending, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Yunmeng Bros feelings, crack taken mostly seriously)

and

My Leaves Reach Ever for the Sun by nonplussed (T, 26k, WangXian, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fix-It, Crossdressing, Idiots in Love, Sharing a Bed, Canon Divergence, Happy Ending, Mutual Pining, so much mutual pining, And yet, still not as much mutual pining as canon, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies) Both feature WWX crossdressing to sneak into Koi Tower to be with Yanli / change the events of the 100 Days celebration

ius in bello by Lise (T, 2k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Tearjerker, Sad Ending, Heavy Angst, Grief/Mourning, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Not A Fix-It, POV JC, [Podfic] ius in bello by flamingwell)

Birthday Party by waffles_4_breakfast (E, 100k, WangXian, Fix-It, Canon Divergence, Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings, Sharing a Bed, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Together, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Poison, Torture, Módào Zǔshī Novel Canon, Requited Unrequited Love, First Time, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Rough Sex, Oral Sex, Come as Lube, Bondage, Dom/sub Undertones, Spit As Lube, Rimming, Consensual Non-Consent, Safe Sane and Consensual, Additional Warnings In Author's Note)

in this place where we don't have a prayer by Cerusee, Mikkeneko (T, 42k, WangXian, XuanLi, ChengQing) self rec, but I think this fits the bill?

forget the shade from this other tree by VagabondDawn (T, 11k, canon divergence, JZX lives, no qiongqi path ambush, canon-typical wangxian)

~*~

5. hello again! for the next itmf i was wondering if you have any fics where they mix cql canon with small elements from the book? like the blindfold kiss or other moments like that. thanks so much for all the work you do! i wish you well and that you’re staying safe and healthy.

~*~

6. Not sure if this is ff or itmf, because there is a specific fic I lost, but also just want a general trope. I'm looking for fics where WWX's resentful energy is into/gentle with LWJ, and LWJ welcomes it, like allowed it to touch him, touches back, maybe they use it during sex. It doesn't have to be right away, just him eventually accepting that the resentful energy is an extension of WWX. (Rest of ask moved to FF - Mod C)

No one else but you by chrisemrys (M, 15k, wangxian, WIP, canon divergence, first kiss, stolen kiss, love confessions, fix-it, everyone lives au, semi sentient resentful energy, golden core reveal, fluff, hurt/comfort, first time)

But the rose was awake all night for your sake/Knowing your promise to me by x_los (E, 7k, WangXian, Tentacle Sex, Tentacle Dick, Sunshot Campaign, Happy Ending, Healing Sex, Magical Healing Cock, Sex Magic, Ritual Sex, YLLZ WWX, LWJ Has a YLLZ Kink, Telepathy, id tentacles, the physical manifestation of repressed emotions, Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Episode 22, Getting Together)

Helping Yourself by nirejseki (Not Rated, 1k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Temporary Amnesia, Short-Term Memory Loss) kinda ish? there is a "resentacles" tag that the asker may want to check out !

Fragments lost and found by AgentFreeWill (G, 4k, WangXian, LWJ aquires a companion, Original Character(s), visiting the rabbits, Night Hunts, LJY ftw) post-canon; a small resentful energy thoughtform attaches itself to LWJ as a familiar

~*~

7. hello hello! could you recommend me some wangxian fics that are heavy on the angst but still have a happy (ish) ending? I am in the mood to cry cathartically :')

absolutely no noncon, please. thank you!! @yourancestorsarefrowning

a star called sun by thelastdboy (E, 93k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Heavy Angst, Self-Worth issues, Amputation, Situational Mutism, Slow burn, Angst with a happy ending) i'm currently posting the last chapters of this story that's very heavy on the angst but with promised happy ending

Concord by Deastar (T, 41k, WangXian, Arranged Marriage, Gūsū Lán Sect Rules, Depression, Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending)

With No Particular Affection by Chrononautical (E, 92k, WangXian, Modern AU, Arranged Marriage, Kid Fic, Miscommunication, Family Drama, JFM and YZY's A+ Parenting, Good Uncle JC, Wedding Fluff, Genius WWX, Street Kid WWX, Homelessness, Rich LWJ, Oblivious WWX, Cinnamon Roll WN, Implied/Referenced Suicide, WWX Has a Pregnancy Kink, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst)

An Apple a Day by dandelion_san (G, 2k, wangxian, character death, fluff, hurt/comfort, family) bit different maybe but so bettersweet

梅花开放 | the plum blossoms bloom by doubletan (E, 6k, wangxian, major character death, post-canon, sick fic, hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, established relationship, JC & WWX reconciliation, kissing, crying) really very sad, very minor light at the end

the Spodumeme and Yiqie fics in this post both fit here too

Sunder by naqaashi (E, 32k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Soulmates, Golden Core Reveal, Golden Core Transfer Fix-It, WWX Has a New Golden Core, Heavy Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Mutual Pining, Emotional Sex, Porn with Feelings, PWP, Light BDSM, Fix-It, POV LWJ, YLLZ WWX, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Top/Bottom Versatile | Switch WangXian, Light Dom/sub, Explicit Sexual Content, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Grief/Mourning, Five Stages of Grief, Suicidal Thoughts)

The Right to Care by travelingneuritis (E, 61k, WangXian, Modern AU, Mood Whiplash, musician LWJ, nanny wwx, Developing Relationship, Breakup, Texting, Pining, Eventual Happy Ending, Adoption, Child Abuse, abuse intervention, Miscommunication) made my friend cry with this one 😊

~*~

8. hi, for the next iitmf, can I ask for fics with drunk lans being chaotic gremlins? especially lwj or lxc (but any of them is good!). many thank!

Until We Find Our Way by cqlorphan (T, 9k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Getting Together, Love Confessions, Drunk LWJ, The Cloud Recesses Rabbits, Light Angst, Fluff and Angst, Sharing a Bed, the horrors of, Intimacy, and then because they earned it, Kissing, Inspired by Art, Mutual Pining)

A-Zhan is Three by westiec (T, 1k, LXC & LWJ, wangxian, post-canon, twin jades of lan dynamics, LXC in seclusion, hair braiding, sleepy cuddles)

indecent exposure by sarahyyy (M, 1k, wangxian, modern, drunk LWJ)

this could be the start (of something new) by varnes (T, 2k, wangxian, modern, drunk LWJ)

i know who i want to take me home by ScarlettStorm (E, 16k, wangxian, modern, bartender WWX, drunk LWJ, caretaking, meet-cute, fluff, comedy, smut, minor angst, major shenanigans)

When Can You Suck Dick Again After Gum Grafts? by Dyapaya (M, <1k, wangxian, modern, drunk LWJ, surgery, medication, fluff, crack, no smut, drama, pouting, confusion, sexual humor)

Playing Nice by deliciousblizzardshark (T, 11k, wangxian, canon divergence, Love confessions, first kiss, mildly dubious consent, public displays of affection, drunk LWJ, fluff and crack, alternating pov)

why'd the chicken jump over the fence by yellowcarnations (G, 2k, wangxian, modern, fluff, drunk LWJ)

My Heart's Desire by phnelt (G, 3k, wangxian, modern, fluff, drunk LWJ)

💖 Advisable Lan rules and other shenanigans by apathyinreverie (G, 4k, wangxian, LXC & LWJ, JC & WWX, Canon Divergence, fix-it, humor, drunk LWJ, smitten LWJ, soft WWX, possessive LWJ, gusu lan rules, drunk shenanigans, fluff)

My Zhiji's On Broadway by ScarlettStorm (E, 15k, wangxian, modern with cultivation, drunk LWJ, drunk shenanigans, getting together, first time, minor angst, major comedy, smut)

are you my wisdom tooth? because i'd like to take you out by yellowcarnations (G, 3k, wangxian, modern, established relationship, fluff, humor)

Chapter 2 of no fear of fire by chomrafy (G, 6k, WangXian, Fluff, Angst, Family, burial mounds family, Sunshot Campaign, Teaching, Yunmeng Shuangjie Reconciliation) features a drunk and disorderly Qingheng-jun smitten with a Mermaid! Madam Lan.

~*~

9. Hiiiiii~ great day today! iitmf a fic where wwx, lbh, and hc are brothers? Or have some kind of close familial w eachother? It can be modern or canon timeline thank you!

~*~

10. Itmf soft wangxian fics! (preferably under 20k, but longer is okay too) I'm looking for the fics that make you feel all warm and fuzzy and jubilant and giggly about wangxian. Maybe they're just figuring out their relationship, or it's just wangxian being domestic. Anything goes as long as it's soft! Ty friends!

Seen and not heard by eatmyass (E, 51k, WangXian, Case Fic, No Sunshot Campaign, AU in canon setting, Kid Fic, dadxian, Strangers to Lovers, Found Family, POV LWJ, Pining, Sharing a Bed, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Time, Falling in love in metaphors)

🧡 Stunted, Starving Juvenility by TomatenMark (E, 548k, WangXian, WIP, Fix-it of sorts, Talisman master WWX, Not JFM Friendly, Study Arc, Getting together, Fluff and Angst, Engagement)

emergent properties by luckymarrow (E, 8k, WangXian, Modern AU, Family Fluff, Trans Male Character, Trans LWJ, Queer Families, Queer Youth, Adoption, Baby LSZ, Teen MXY, Crossdressing, but not as a kink, gender expression, Dilf4Dilf Wangxian, Penis In Vagina Sex, Blow Jobs, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Smut, gender euphoria, Cunnilingus)

romantic relationships are prohibited in Cloud Recesses by 12262325 (E, 26k, WangXian, CSSR/WCZ, High School, Established Relationship, minimal plot, Fluff, Eventual Smut) super fun high school fic

Worship you till morning comes by feyburner (E, 6k, wangxian, modern, meet-cute, first meetings, first time, fluff, kissing, falling in love, smut)

Child's Play by flowercity (FaoriE) (T, 14k, wangxian, LWJ & LSZ & WWX, modern, fluff, pining, family, single dad WWX, kid fic, love at first sight, light angst, brief hospitalization, seizures, alcohol, making out)

💖 Soft boys being soft- Wangxian soft fics by deliciousblizzardshark (multiple works, 230k)

~*~

11. fanfic rec of modern au where jiang cheng and wei wuxian are brothers and fall 4 the two lan brothers >w<

older sibling radar by sami (G, 2k, WangXian, Modern AU, Minor or background Relationships, Fluff, SO MUCH FLUFF, Getting Together, First Kiss, Peak Older Sibling Energy)

~*~

12. Hey I was wondering what your favorite fics were that were written by Chinese diaspora authors? Especially those that capture aspects of Chinese culture or being diaspora? Unfortunately I have been disappointed by a lot of insensitive and racist ideas in a lot of recommended fics.

Danmei Diaspora Creatives collection

Out of the Bin and Into Your Heart by Alaceron (T, 27k, WangXian, Modern AU, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Oblivious WWX) as a chinese diaspora individual this is by far my favorite fic!! it captures the chinese american culture so well and I love all the chinese puns

would u be okay with set in modern china written by Chinese authors, not diaspora? however let me rec this fic and the author

Your Heart, My Table by Spodumene (G, 30k, WangXian, Modern AU, Canada, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Family Dynamics, Parent Death, Supporting Character Death, Chinese New Year, Comfort Food, food is love, Getting Together, food as a love language)

do u want the fics to be related to being a member of the Chinese diaspora specifically, or is it you want wangxian fics in general written by diaspora authors?

only fools rush in by justpeace (M, 22k, WangXian, Modern AU, College AU, Slow burn, Humor, Banter, Flirting, Fluff, Getting Together)

Heat It Up! with Wei Ying by justpeace (T, 10k, WangXian, Modern AU, coworkers to dating, Getting Together, Chinese Food, racism that largely happens offscreen, workplace racism, toxic workplace environment, Workplace Relationship, food as a metaphor for racism, Humor, Happy Ending, Angst and Humor, food as a metaphor for flirting, References to Drugs)

countingcrows is one of my fave authors! They include a lot of realistic Chinese details in their fics, which range from canon-divergent to modern.

The Distance Between Fondness and Something Akin to Love by countingcr0ws (M, 20k, WangXian, Arranged Marriage, Not Canon Compliant, War, Cloud Recesses, Romance, Mistaken Identity, Impersonation, Awkward Flirting, Canon Divergence, Wedding Planning, Chinese tradition) is a great canon-divergent,

and

🧡 I Don't Want to Debut! by countingcr0ws (G, 56k, WangXian, Modern AU, Reality show, Idols, Actor LWJ, Forced Contestant WWX, Tencent's 2021 Idol Producer) is a modern one with tons of current slang and jokes

~*~

13. Itmf fics where wangxian have broken up or they know how the other feels but can't be together for whatever reason...except they end up hooking up or such anyways? The pining???? The longing???? I beg!

Tempo Rubato by Spodumene (E, 108k, wangxian, modern, angst w/ happy ending, romance, persuasion au, separations, pining, miscommunication, depression, self-harm, reconciliation, smut)

there's no promised goodbye here by Yuisaki (T, 54k, WangXian, wwx/ocs (but in passing), Modern AU, Post-Break Up, Roommates, Domestic Fluff, Drunken Shenanigans, Sharing a Bed, Cuddling & Snuggling, Sharing Clothes, Drinking, Fluff and Angst, Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, Ensemble Cast, Unreliable Narrator, CW IN BEGINNING NOTES)

Friendly Advice by ilip13 (E, 3k, wangxian, modern, lovers to friends to lovers, with a stranger intermediate d/s stage in between, accidental domming, under-negotiated kink, fake dating, happy ending)

today my heart swings by ilip13 (E, 10k, wangxian, modern, established relationship but also exes, ex sex, porn with feelings, implied/referenced cheating but more accurately open relationship, mentioned WWX/others & LWJ/WQ, implied/referenced homophobia, switching, light bdsm, Light bondage, hopeful ending, unreliable narrator)

~*~

14. Hi! I have found some really good fics from this blog. I would like to thank you for the work you do. I would like some help in exploring a certain curiosity that I have.

Both Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian are portrayed to be grey characters. But while Wei Wuxian is vilified, Lan Wangji has still somehow managed to retain his reputation. I always found it interesting that Wei Wuxian was the one who took action for morality while Lan Wangji did everything he did for Wei Wuxian. Yet they are perceived by people as the villain and the man who was led astray.

There are many stories where Wei Wuxian grew up as a rogue cultivator but not many where we can explore Lan Wangji as anything but Gusu Lan. Can you help me find a book where Lan Wangji's character is explored without the impact of Gusu Lan's 3000 rules. His base character without the tempering of the Gusu Lan more stringent morality.

I am really interested in exploring Lan Wangji's character in depth. Thank you.

Turn Left by kianspo (M, 148k, WIP, WangXian, NieLan, Canon Divergence, Fix-It of Sorts, Friends to Lovers, eventually, references to child sexual abuse, not main characters, Neurodivergent LWJ, Slow Build, Lán Family Feels, specifically, Twin Jades of Lán Feels, lwj-centric, Twin Jades of Lán Dynamics, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies)

the Lan Wangji's half of the Non-Cultivator Wangxian rec, if I'm understanding the request?

can you clarify if you want canon divergent works only ? or are modern aus okay? I don't think I follow that lan zhan did things for Wei ying. I think LZ was brought up a certain way which of course influenced his actions, he then had his world view challenged (with Wei ying as the catalyst) and it expanded and he changed as a person. Maybe we are thinking about different parts of the story tho.

modern AUs that dive into lan Zhans character

When You Wake, 怎能当梦一场 by MouSanRen (T, 39k, WangXian, WWX is in a coma, Angst with a Happy Ending,Modern AU, Single Dad LWJ, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Parenthood, YZY's A+ Parenting, JFM's A+ parenting)

live from new york by varnes (E, 87k, wangxian, JYL/JZX, This is a SNL AU, however the juniors are featured and there are lots of shenanigans!, slow burn, friends to lovers, pining, getting together, happy ending)

Many happy returns. by orange_crushed (E, 25k, WangXian, Modern AU, Mistaken Identity, Misunderstandings, Grief/Mourning, Loss of Parent(s), Implied/Referenced Suicide, Past Suicide of a Parent, References to Depression, Anxiety, Therapy, References to Anti-Depressant Medications, Escort Service, Loneliness, Everybody's Abandonment Issues, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Moving In Together, Oral Sex, Penetrative Sex, Hopeful Ending, Recovery, References to Escorting/Sex Work but No Actual Escorting/Sex Work)

总有一天; a place to hide (can’t find one near) by yiqie (E, 76k, WangXian, Modern AU, Pianist, Getting Together, Mental Health Issues, Suicide Attempt, Suicidal Thoughts, Depression, Hospitals, Overdosing, Eventual Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Additional Warnings In Author's Note)

~*~

15. ITMF some wangxian ghost wedding!! Obviously drama sadness joys happiness!! ( Bonus if no one is bad except the bad guys ofcourse!!) @whateverweilanlovechild

lovers be lost (but love shall not) by la_muerta (T, 13k, wangxian, 1910s au, arranged marriage, case fic, ghosts, ghost marriage, happy ending)

Ghost Wedding by nirejseki (G, 4k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Ghost wedding, Introspection, Crack Treated Seriously, mostly seriously anyway, Good Uncle LQR)

To Capture A Ghost by atomicmuffin (T, 10k, WangXian, MDZS cast in TGCF universe, Humor, Family Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Gods & Goddesses, Spoilers for MDZS, POV Multiple, Character Study, Shotgun Wedding, Adams Family Aesthetic) wangxian ghost wedding

~*~

16. What is your most fav current fic? Only one please 😗 @whateverweilanlovechild

🧡 Discarded by teawater (E, 125k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Dying Lan children, Hurt/Comfort, YL WWX, Golden Core Reveal, Case Fic, Depression, Family Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Angst with a Happy Ending, and it's not always dark, POV Multiple, BAMF WWX, dubious morals in the Lan sect Feels, Pining, Grief, Fix-It, BAMF LWJ) i'm really enjoying discarded right now! -Mod Kay

🧡 Stunted, Starving Juvenility by TomatenMark (E, 548k, WangXian, WIP, Fix-it of sorts, Talisman master WWX, Not JFM Friendly, Study Arc, Getting together, Fluff and Angst, Engagement) (link in #10) one of my all time favorites

🧡 One Can Keep A Secret (If He Does Not Know It's There) by H_Belle (T, 5k, WangXian, Modern Cultivators, Inventor WWX, Secret Identity, Identity Reveal, YLLZ WWX, Rogue Cultivator WWX, Pining LWJ, POV WWX, Background Wangxian Getting Together, Jiangs are only mentioned in the passing, inspired by a tumblr post) (this has recently become one of my favorites and I am so honored to have inspired it! ^^ - Mod C)

The Mistletoe Virgin by Vamillepudding (G, 12k, WangXian, Modern AU, Romantic Comedy, Friends to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Deaf LWJ) I will never shut up about how good this is😫✋

~*~

17. Helloow For the next ITMF:

A) I'm currently in the hunt for some cql and donghua/novel WangXian crossover, it could be one character waking up and seeing their alternate self or something similar.

B) In which WWX calls Madam Yu "Mom" amd that they have a good relationship throughout.

Thank you!!!

17A)

💙 feel better love by Anonymous (T, 8k, WIP, WangXian, implied WangXianXian, Post-Canon, Crack Treated Somewhat Seriously, in a haha jk...unless? way, Light Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Crack, Crossover) let me rec my fave that i always rec in this situation and also add that i'm working on something inspired by this story

The Young, the Horny, the Jaded and the Jade: Partners in Time by Admiranda (M, 49k, WIP, WangXian, Established couple, Crossover, road trip with your older selves, teasing your younger selves about their obvious crushes, yin iron does yin iron things, mdzs/cql crossover, adult wangxian, Teenage Wangxian)

We always get what we deserve!(Doesn't matter even if you think you don't deserve it. Fate has mysterious ways!) by Ajareenlovesbtsandshinee (Not Rated, 16k, WIP, WangXian, Post-Canon, CQL WWX and MDZS WWX Exchange places, Happy Ending, Post-Canon Fix-It)

Key Differences by pupeez4eva (T, 5k, WangXian, Humor, Dimension Travel, Crossover, Drama!WWX meets Novel!WWX, Public Confessions, Post-Canon)

17B)

Talk Hard by DeviyudeThoolika (E, 161k, wangxian, LXC/JYL, JZX/WQ, JC/MM, Modern, college/university au, roommates, falling in love, getting together, separation, getting back together, BAMF WWX, drunk LWJ, protective WWX, good parent YZY, pining, fluff, politics, hurt/comfort, slow burn, angst w happy ending)

~*~

If you didn’t get an answer to your ask here, don’t forget to make use of @mdzs-kinkmeme and MDZS KINK MEME on Dreamwidth. Authors actually do use them for ideas. You may get what  you order!***Your prompt doesn’t have to be kink! Fluff, crack,  whatever - it’s all good!***

[asher-writes]

FULL WIP INTRO

Genres: Mystery, Dystopia, Romance

Themes: Neglect, Religion, Abandonment

Tropes: Cults, Brainwashing, Religious Trauma, Morally Grey Characters, Unreliable Protagonist

POV: Third-Person, Limited.

Synopsis

The quaint religious town of Sight is a highly sought after place to live. People will convert religions, leave families, marry unhappily, just to live there. But a dark secret that transpires through history is slowly revealed through the death of the commune's most prominent leaders.

Desperate for help, Arizona Close is visited by his sister-in-law with the news his parents are dead, and his brother needs his help. Wishing to repair the damage he'd done when he'd left, he begrudgingly agrees to return for the funeral. But his need for answers soon cause secrets to become unearthed.

The Story

Another wonderfully dysfunctional character with childhood trauma that seems to have only gotten worse!

This story focuses around the importance of family - whether it be blood, or otherwise - and the sheer magic of letting yourself be loved.

The World

This is book 2/3 of Arcadian Wilds (set in a fictional apocalyptic science lab the size of a small country). Sight is a restrictive and well looked after walled town, and one of few places to have healthcare. It's residents seem so happy that people give up their entire lives to try and live there. We'll see.

The Links

The protagonist of The Poison Complex - April - is a background character in this book. In fact, April sends his trainee, Edward because "he needs more on the job learning" with the promise that he's just a phone call away. It's actually more because in the past two years April has picked up that Edward has a bit of a crush on Ari. Ari is oblivious to this, and he thought it would be funny.

There's quite a few parallels between Ari and April, but I'll save that for another post.

This book's ending also leads directly into the last book.

[absurdly-overpowered-astronaut]

I find Del and Junah’s connection over song really interesting!

I thought I had a screen cap of the scene but I don’t so for context I’m talking about the scene where Fidelio and Basilio talk about opening a dinner. When Basilio says Del could sing there and that Del admires Junah for her singing.

From a writing perspective It would have been so easy to have Del be protective of Junah because she is famous or pretty but I really like the fact that they root his affection for her in song , in a shared interest (if any think hulkenburg fills the role of being interested in Junah because of the aforementioned atleast initially) and an interest he seems to not engage in/is representing or only shows to Basilio because of his defensive and everyone’s out to get to the only one who I can rely on is my brother attitude.

I think fundamentally Del wants to be more emotionally honest and I think he wants to trust people and that ties into singing. Singing can be so emotionally vulnerable not only are you putting yourself out to a crowd but your probably singing about your deep seeded feelings or things that have resonated with you their is this connection and vulnerability that Del has convinced himself he cannot have. Weakness is death. Vulnerability is death. That is how he sees the world.

(Not the best screen shots in the world but working with what I have already in my camera roll)

I’m pretty sure Junah talks about connecting with an audience and sharing your feelings with said audience or something like as well.

But specifically what I really want to talk about is this line

This line implies that not only dose Del like singing but that singing his part of his tribes culture. A culture which he is probably completely disconnected from otherwise. The details will probably get cleared up in bilcelio’s social link but for now I think the implication is that their parents are dead/they where seperated from them very young and that they where both involved in the magic experiments?

(Del says he couldn’t protect Basilio from them which could mean that only Basilio was taken but I more so interpret the line as Del down playing his own trauma and focusing on his failure and Basilio’s suffering then him saying only Basilio was part of the magic experiments)

Which just adds another layer to del’s interest in singing and also his relationship with Junah because they both came from tribes that where discriminated against heavily

[helreginn]

"were you ever going to tell me the truth?" - Lucifer

send “were you ever going to tell me the truth?” for my muse’s reaction to your muse saying that to them.

Her eyes found his in the low light. And promptly swept past his dark and angered gaze. He wasn't angry at her. She knew it. Angry, yes. At her? Far, far from it.

She had told him.. the barest truth of her past. The cliff notes and abridges.

Hel had left... much unsaid. Much that he had to hear from someone else.

"I was a village girl. My family was bound, exiled and banished. Now I care for the dead."

Only there was more at the beginning. More to the middle. And even more to the end.

She is a Hagia's daughter. Heir to a seat few understand. She is a beloved daughter and doted on sister. These things are fact. Immutable. No past tense. She was a happy child. Carefree and wild. Her family were happy. Large and loud and loving. And then a man let his fear outweigh his reason. And she was no longer a happy child. The first was Fenrisúlfr, tricked and bound. Bloody maw ever open lest he impale himself on Týr's sword. They emptied the world of magic items just to tie him there. The next was Jǫrmungandr. Thrown into the ocean to grow and writhe in misery as he became too large for his captive enclosure.

The oldest and the largest done away with first so the younger, smaller siblings had no one to protect them.

Sleipnir was claimed for an immortal life of servitude and humiliation. Next were the twins. The horror wasn't apparent until the twins. A wolf, A serpent, A horse. These were their chosen forms. Keeping them stuck that way wasn't as cruel as the other things enacted. There are worse things than being inhuman. But the twins? They had not yet found their bestial forms when they were foisted upon them. In their fear and panic one son tore the other apart. And the Æsir, horrified themselves but not enough to defy their King, picked up the pieces. Some went to Loki, the most vile and perverse of binds. Innards of his gentle son, ungently tied. Sigyn wept as she caught the poison dripping from above, knowing her sons were gone. This was all that she could do. And the rest.. The rest went with Hel. Her small hands and feet covered in mud, blood and viscera as she was walked into the dark. Hand in hand with one brother. Alongside pieces of another. How desperately she had wailed. Her hands getting filthier as she clawed at the pieces of a boy she no longer recognised when they had left her there. Váli sounded not like himself. Like some kind of banshee. If he were not already a ghost he would have torn his throat apart from the inside. Hel certainly did. Left there alone in the dark, the cold. The only living thing in all the underworld. By the time the tears and screaming and desperate pleas subsided, Hel found that she was unable to speak. And did not gain that ability back until she was fully grown and far too old for her young age.

Goosebumps speckled her near-translucent skin as she focused on her breath. Focused on the in and the out. Knowing that if she let herself give in she'd end up hyperventilating. Again.

How long had it been since he'd asked? A moment? An hour? She didn't know. Still couldn't bring herself to look him in the face.

She had done nothing wrong with her omission. But it felt like a lie. He had told her his whole truth and she had kept hers all to herself. Where it could do the most harm. If she shared it, opened up and let someone else carry the burden, surely the blade would become dull. No, Hel preferred when her trauma cut clean. If it is hers alone, no one else can use it against her.

But someone told him. He didn't say. Didn't have to. Hel recognised those eyes. The same on everyone who wore them regardless of colour or age or shape. The sorrow. The horror. The sympathy, for truly they have no means to empathise.

It felt like she might begin to wither beneath the weight of that look on his face.

Finally, she did manage one small, "No."

[thelostrainbowthenovel]

Bios: The Arianian Rulers

- Ruling Queen Noelani Neptune

. Age: 43

. Gender: female

. Sexuality: no label

. Family: parents(deceased), younger brother(deceased), Talia(oldest child), Amaya(second oldest child), Skye(middle child), Zephyr(youngest child)

. Relationships: Caelestis(husband)

. Abilities: cloud magic(natural)

. Physical Appearance: tall with a slim yet busty build, waist-length and curly pale pink hair that fades into a pale salmony color, light brown skin, blue eyes, multiple ear piercings

Ruling queen of the Kingdom of Arian, wife to Caelestis, and mother to Talia, Amaya, Skye, and Zephyr. A normally bubbly, expressive, and seemingly happy queen, but Noelani did not always start out this way. Her parents had her at a much later age than most, and both having severe health complications, she was always so anxious as she was so scared of losing them. When she was a young child just starting school, things seemed to start looking up as she heard she would have a little brother soon, but her heart shattered when he was pronounced dead shortly after birth due to complications. Throughout the rest of her childhood and into her adolescence she went through a dark, depressive era as she experienced too much pain and heartbreak left-and-right that she did not want to confront or deal with. As she became a teenager she became enamored with the idea of becoming wild and rebellious, as she always had a fascination with the style and found it to be an outlet for her pain. Her favorite memories of those years were all the fun and crazy adventures she went on together with Queen Demeter Erdmann of Erdennia, as they were always best friends, though their adventures had to end as they became adults and Noelani had to start royal training and take over the throne much earlier than expected as her parents became too weak to rule for much longer. During this time was when she met Caelestis, who brought such a light to her life that she got together and settled down with their family quickly with him. As an adult she has learned to confront her trauma and allow herself to move on, she has become a very wise queen that many look up to for her compassionate and empathetic nature.

- King Consort Caelestis Neptune

. Age: 44

. Gender: male

. Sexuality: bisexual

. Family: parents, 1 older sister, 1 younger sister, 5 nieces, Talia(oldest child), Amaya(second oldest child), Skye(middle child), and Zephyr(youngest child)

. Relationships: Noelani(wife)

. Abilities: wind magic(natural), scepter/sword-fighting

. Physical Appearance: tall with a lanky and lean build, shoulder-length and curly white often put in half-up styles, light brown skin with a few birthmarks along the sides of his body, light bronze eyes, multiple ear piercings

King Consort of the Kingdom of Arian, husband to Noelani, and father to Talia, Amaya, Skye, and Zephyr. Growing up in a middle-class family, Caelestis had a rough time as he was born very sickly and was always rather weak, prone to getting hurt and an easy target for bullies. One near-fatal incident when he was a young child left him severely injured and close to death, had a soldier not been nearby to save his life. Out of the compassion and empathy of their heart they passed down their prized lightning bolt scepter to him, to help him further defend and protect himself. For the next several years of his life he focused on building up his physical strength and training with his scepter, eventually learning how to use it to better channel his magic as he was always rather weak with it. While many would look at his life and expect him to become a soldier himself when he became of age, he shocked everybody when he wanted to become a member of the royal council instead. While he has the highest respect and support for the army and has close friendships with many soldiers, he always had an interest in politics and diplomacy from all the history books he read during his sickest days as a child. Around this time was when he first met Noelani, finding her adventurous and free-spirited nature a nice change of pace from what he was most used to at the time, but he fell for her quickly the more he got to know her better on a deeper and more personal level. He is looked up to highly and respected by many, mostly for his kind and friendly nature that has allowed him to get along with many citizens, nobles, and royals from other kingdoms.

[ash-and-books]

Rating: 2.5/5

Book Blurb: During the Great War, a combat nurse searches for her brother, believed dead in the trenches despite eerie signs that suggest otherwise, in this hauntingly beautiful historical novel with a speculative twist, from the New York Times bestselling author of The Bear and the Nightingale. “A wonderful clash of fire and ice—a book you won’t want to let go of.”—Diana Gabaldon, author of Outlander

January 1918. Laura Iven was a revered field nurse until she was wounded and discharged from the medical corps, leaving behind a brother still fighting in Flanders. Now home in Halifax, Canada, Laura receives word of Freddie’s death in combat, along with his personal effects—but something doesn’t make sense. Determined to uncover the truth, Laura returns to Belgium as a volunteer at a private hospital, where she soon hears whispers about haunted trenches and a strange hotelier whose wine gives soldiers the gift of oblivion. Could Freddie have escaped the battlefield, only to fall prey to something—or someone—else?

November 1917. Freddie Iven awakens after an explosion to find himself trapped in an overturned pillbox with a wounded enemy soldier, a German by the name of Hans Winter. Against all odds, the two form an alliance and succeed in clawing their way out. Unable to bear the thought of returning to the killing fields, especially on opposite sides, they take refuge with a mysterious man who seems to have the power to make the hellscape of the trenches disappear.

As shells rain down on Flanders and ghosts move among those yet living, Laura’s and Freddie’s deepest traumas are reawakened. Now they must decide whether their world is worth salvaging—or better left behind entirely.

Review:

A combat nurse searches for her brother during the Great War while a darker strange force intercepts him. The story is set during the Great War and follows Laura Iven and her brother Freddie Iven. Laura is a combat nurse who was discharged from the corp while her brother was still fighting in the front. She's living in Halifax, Canada but receives word of her brother's death along with a few of his things yet something doesn't ring true to her. Laura is determined to find her brother and what actually happened to him, and that begins with her journeying to Belgium as a volunteer at a private hospital. While there she begins to hear a strange rumor about a strange hotelier who's wine gives soldiers the gift of oblivion and Laura just knows he is connected to her brother somehow. While Laura's story takes place in 1918, we also follow Freddie's story set in 1917, where we get to see what has happened to him. Freddie wakes up after an explosion to find himself trapped in an overturned pillbox with a wounded enemy soldier, a German man named Hans Winter. Freddie and Winter work together and form an alliance as they find a way to escape. Yet their escape is short lived as they soon find refuge with a strange man who has the power to make the hellscape of the trenches disappear... Can Laura find Freddie before it's too late? This is a beautifully written story that really captures the PTSD and trauma of war. Despite that, this one definitely was not for me. I was expecting something a bit more, yet this was really slow and honestly, not for me because I found myself getting bored over and over. I adored Arden's previous books but this one just did not work for me personally at all. I think if you enjoy war time stories this would be for you, as someone who does not, and was expecting a bit more paranormal/magical elements in the story this one was definitely less magic and more historical. The story focuses on trauma and sibling relationships and the historical war time, and if you enjoy quiet slow burn stories then give it a go, I feel like it would work for you. I just didn't find myself all that invested in the story and the characters felt flat to me. About the 30% mark had me just not caring all that much about what was happening and finishing the book felt a bit like a slog. I will continue to read Arden's books though because the author has a really beautiful way of writing and I look forward to what she comes up with next.

*Thanks Netgalley and Random House Publishing Group - Ballantine, Del Rey for sending me an arc in exchange for an honest review*