#dea’s oversharing

[seatnights]

Let’s get into each others business!

thank you so much lui @spicysix for the tag!♡

Currently reading: lots of fanfiction, The Pleasure by Gabriele D’Annunzio and Briciole by Alessandra Arachi

Favorite color: red and lavender

Last movie: I rewatched Mirror Mirror, it was the only good option on TV

Last song: the fruits - Paris Paloma

Sweet/Savory/Spicy: sweet sweet sweet

Currently working on: getting my driver license, i’m currently doing my driving lessons and getting ready for vacation (Wien baby i’m coming, Harry Styles darling you have been warned)

No pressure tags: @jamdoughnutmagician @penguinsandpotterheads @gravedigginbbydoll @pepsimunson @emsgoodthinkin @littledemon-lilith

+ everyone who is comfortable and wants to join this lil game!

Wish you all the best, take care lovelies🤍

[seatnights]

seven -Taylor Swift

Your dad is always mad and that must be why

[asrisgratitudejournal]

Jardine

Hello! Jadi berdasarkan request Kak Dea @hellopersimmonpie beberapa waktu lalu di twitter, aku memutuskan untuk menulis tentang 'bagaimana mendapatkan beasiswa Jardine' karena ternyata ku belum pernah menulis rapi tentang ini. Padahal enak banget ya kalau udah ada tulisannya tuh, kalau ada yang nanya ya tinggal dikasih link post ini aja.... kenapa ya ga pernah kepikiran huf.

Ok, sebelum kita mulai, ada baiknya menawarkan opsi-opsi informasi yang sudah ada terkait Jardine yang sudah pernah kuberikan dulu ya:

Podcast video di youtube channel Edsel

Youtube video dengan IRO ITB

Youtube video dengan Teh Rosi Meilani

DISCLAIMER (harus dengan bold dan italic karena cukup capek menjawab pertanyaan yang ini): Yang kuceritakan sekarang ini HANYA proses daftar Jardine postgraduate saja (alias untuk jenjang master dan doctoral saja, tidak untuk yang undergraduate karena untuk Jardine undergrad it's a whole different process in which I don't know and experience at all).

OK, mari kita mulai. Sebelum aku share experience aku, ada baiknya kita tahu dulu apa itu Jardine Scholarship? Aku nggak menjelaskan panjang lebar ya, ku kasih link aja untuk dibaca sendiri: link.

Nah, kemudian nanti Jardine Scholarship for postgraduate itu jalur utamanya ada 2: ada jalur ITB-UGM dan general scheme. Disclaimer lagi: yang kujelaskan dengan detail setelah ini adalah jalur ITB-UGM saja karena jalur ini yang ku-experience.

*AH! Aku jadi inget kenapa aku gapernah kepikiran untuk nulis experienceku apply Jardine ini in the first place: karena sasaran pembacanya akan kecil banget, cuma alumni-alumni ITB-UGM aja.. :(

Tapi tenang aja, aku akan coba bahas juga untuk yang general scheme sekilas karena ku tahu sedikit-sedikit prosesnya dari teman-teman sesama scholars Jardine juga yang dapetnya via jalur ini.

Btw, ceritanya akan banyak TMI-nya ngga apa-apa ya, karena memang aku anaknya suka oversharing dan kalau nulis kemana-mana. Jadi harap dimaklumi.

Tahu Jardine Pertama Kali

Jadi ceritanya sejak akhir 2017 sampai tengah 2019 pekerjaanku masih sangat amat tidak jelas. Di UI bantu-bantu ngajar tapi statusnya masih PKWT (PK? Waktu Tertentu) alias gaji sebulan betul-betul tidak cukup untuk hidup kalau nggak numpang rumah Mama. Melihat ketidakcukupan itu, akhirnya mau nggak mau ku mengambil pekerjaan lain juga dong, yaitu ngajar olimpiade. Nah yang ini bikin penghasilan lumayan nutup tapi ya gitu musiman aja kan dia, ada offernya kalau lagi mau dekat-dekat OSK, OSP, atau OSN aja.

Kemudian di tengah-tengah ketidakjelasan itu akhirnya ku memutuskan "yaudahlah mau sampe kapan Non gini terus ente gajelas hidupnya", bukaan PNS ga ada, PUI juga waktu itu belum ada kabar, mencari jodoh juga belum terlihat hilalnya HAHA, akhirnya ku niat kan lah untuk nyari PhD. Tapi yagitu, nyari PhDnya juga setengah-setengah hati gitu kan, karena masih sibuk ini itu.

Sampai akhirnya tiba-tiba Juni(?) teman SMA-ku, Wian, menghubungiku, ngajakin buat ke rumah Muthi (teman SMA lain) yang baru aja abis lahiran. Karena rumah Muthi di Depok, akhirnya si teman-temanku ini datanglah ke UI buat ngejemput diriku dan cus lah kita ke rumah Muthi. Nah, di sini lah baru ngobrol-ngobrol aku dengan Wian dan Hanifi yang rupanya sedang menempuh doctoral study di Oxford dengan Jardine Scholarship. Hanifi waktu itu 2017 applynya masih ada jalur Jardine UI, dia apply untuk intake 2018. Wian apply via general scheme untuk intake 2019 karena waktu itu udah ngga ada Jardine UI dan posisinya dia lagi di London masih kerja di lab setelah lulus masternya di Imperial (ps. Wian dan Hanifi dua-duanya S1 di UI). Menarik banget kan dengarnya. Terus yaudah akhirnya pas di jalan pulang si Wian bilang "kayanya ada deh Non lagi bukaan buat yang jalur ITB-UGM kemarin gue lihat di facebook pagenya Jardine, coba lo cek deh nanti". Terus yasudah betul saja, ku cek dan nemu posternya:

Ingat banget waktu itu adalah tanggal 10 Juni 2019, so I basically only had 10 days left. Betul-betul hit or miss itu gatau mikir apa tiba-tiba langsung yang "Yaudahlah Non apply aja dulu". Sebelumnya gapernah kepikiran sama sekali mau PhD di Oxbridge segala macem. Betul-betul langsung ngedownload form yang dibutuhkan terus ngisi, langsung cari topik riset di webnya Oxford dan Cambridge, nulis research proposal seadanya, nge-message Wian kalau I'll have my shot in this terus sayang banget sama Wian langsung dibantuin dikirimin form dan essay dia dan Hanifi yang bisa kujadiin reference. Waktu itu kalau gasalah lagi ada project ngajar juga di daerah Istiqlal situ terus akhirnya bikin pas foto di tengah-tengah kelas, anak-anaknya kusuruh tes terus ku ngojek ke studio foto terdekat, eh apa jalan ya, kayanya jalan kaki.

Udah deh tu abis itu mensubmit semuanya kayanya tanggal 18 atau 19 Juni 2019. Betul-betul Bismillah aja dah gatau.

Lesson learnednya dari cerita chapter di atas adalah: silaturahmi itu kunci. Bayangin kalau ku menolak diajak menjenguk Muthi? Ga akan ku di Oxford sekarang. Banyak-banyakin ketemu orang, banyak-banyakin main, you'll never know your rejeki datengnya dari mana

Dipanggil Interview

Udah kan tuh, setelah meng-email dan mengirim hard copy juga ke Bandung, ku berusaha move on, nothing to lose aja. Sampai tiba-tiba suatu hari ada telpon masuk dari nomor Bandung tapi karena HPku di tas apa gimana ya, pokoknya nggak keangkat. Ternyata itu dari IRO ITB (IRO = International Relation Office), aku tahunya pas buka email, ternyata mereka minta IELTS. Pas submit itu aku belum punya IELTS, cuma ada TOEFL ITP dan TOEIC yang sudah expired. Dan tebak apa yang kulakukan? Aku bilang ke mereka aku bisa provide IELTS certificate in 2 weeks. Ku langsung booking tuh IELTS test (without any prep AT ALL), terus booking receiptnya langsung kukasih ke IRO ITB. Abis itu langsung ngebut belajar IELTS (bagian ini jangan ditiru ya wankawan, belajar itu harus sustainable, bukan dikebut, it shouldn't work this way).

Crazy-nya lagi adalah... at the same period of time tiba-tiba CPUI tu ada bukaan, jadi apply lah CPUI kan (CPUI = Calon Pegawai UI). Terus kalau nggak salah LPDP juga tiba-tiba buka, jadi kepikiran buat apply juga, minimal ada cadangan lah kalau Jardinenya nggak dapet tetep bisa apply ke Oxfordnya beneran dilanjutin. Kehektikan di saat itu tercatat dengan baik di postingan tumblrku yang lama ini.

Sampai akhirnya beberapa minggu kemudian dapat undangan untuk interview dengan Jardine Foundation di Mandarin Oriental. Ku lupa si IELTSnya udah keluar result apa belum waktu itu, tapi kayanya belum sih. ASLI kaget banget pas dapet undangan itu. Langsung ngabarin Wian kan buat nanya-nanya, terus akhirnya kami memutuskan buat meet up di Pejaten Village (rumah Wian di deretan mampang situ dan rumahku di Pasar Minggu, jadi titik tengah tergampang buat kita ketemu adalah Penvil). Di Penvil kita latihan interview lah mayan lama (3 jam I think?).

Sama Wian dilatih ditanyain pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang dia hadapi tahun sebelumnya. Wian agak tough sih interviewnya karena dia general scheme kan, waktu itu dia di Jardine HQ yang di London dan diinterview oleh 8 panelists(?) if I'm not mistaken. Terus susah deh pokoknya, ku dengerin cerita dia aja sudah amat sangat bergidik. Pertanyaan latihannya kira-kira di sekitar:

Could you please tell me about yourself?

Could you tell us why you're interested in the field you're planning to do your research for? What is very interesting about the field?

What is your thesis and how does it relate to your future research?

How do you think that your study will help your country?

Why do you choose Oxford?

What is your career plan and how do you see yourself in 10 years?

What are the challenges that will be faced if the research is to be implemented here in Indonesia?

Tell us about your leadership experience and what challenges you had to go through when you're in a leadership position!

How well do you think you performed compared to your peer in your study?

How would you describe your leadership style?

What is the expected output for your DPhil?

Itu yang kucatat dan kupersiapkan jawabannya. Sampe dilatih sama Wian gimana ke-subtle-an dari jawabannya. Apakah jawabanku kurang detail atau terlalu kemana-mana. Intinya aku udah siapkan lah script atau in general jawaban dari masing-masing pertanyaan itu seperti apa. Wian juga menilai gimana intonasiku, fluency, kecepatan berbicara (karena ku kalau ngomong cepet banget kaya kereta). Intinya..... terima kasih banyak Wian.... Habis ketemu di Penvil itu btw ku ketemu lagi di Waffle place gitu deretan Warungjati situ juga udah ke arah Ragunan sih, buat mem-perfect-kan lagi jawaban-jawaban yang sudah dilatih.

Oh iya! Selain interview, jadi di invitationnya juga akan ada lunch bareng dengan panelists. Nah, dengar-dengar (ini ku gatau ya sampai sekarang beneran apa nggak, harus dikonfirmasi lagi), sesi lunch ini juga termasuk dalam penilaian kandidat. Walaupun pas lunchnya si panelists ga bawa scoring form ya, tapi tetap aja, kan dia bisa ingat-ingat kandidat mana yang proaktif dan supel. Karena pasti mereka maunya ngasih beasiswa ke orang yang nggak hanya pintar on paper dong, tapi juga bisa bersosialisasi dengan baik. Nah untuk yang bagian ini, aku juga menyempatkan diri untuk baca-baca the latest news: waktu itu lagi hot-hotnya demo di Hongkong masalah ekstradisi Hongkong-China (ini penting karena main HQnya Jardine di Hongkong), terus Brexit juga, sama politik di Indonesia seperti apa.

Tiba lah hari H ye kan. Kebetulan untungnya (dan mungkin memang sudah diatur sama Allah juga sih) ku dapet giliran interviewnya afternoon sekitar jam 15pm gitu, jadi ketemu panelists duluan pas lunch kan. Kenapa kubilang untung karena kesempatan lunch duluan sebelum interview itu membuat aku bisa ice-breaking atau kenalan dengan panelistsnya terlebih dahulu di luar ruangan interview. Jadi, pas interview, kita udah kenal satu sama lain kan, dan udah tahu si panelistsnya kayak "oh.. tadi si anak ini yang ngomong sama aku pas lunch..."

Sampai di lokasi sebelum lunch, aku kenalan dengan kandidat-kandidat lain di ruang tunggu, semacam lounge gitu. Dari situ ku tahu bahwa ada 5 kandidat dari ITB dan 5 dari UGM. Di akhir nanti terpilihnya 3 ITB dan 3 UGM. Nah terus lunch kan. Di lunch seru sih, banyak ngobrol tentang Cambridge (salah satu panelist yang duduk di round table-ku adalah Prof dari Cambridge), terus bahas kondisi dan situasi Hongkong juga gimana, ku nanya gimana flight dari Hongkongnya dsb2. Terus beres lunch, balik lagi ke lounge, dan nunggu-lah ku buat giliran interview.

Tiba saatnya dipanggil, aku masuk dan duduk biasa, terus betul! Pertanyaan yang ditanya ya adalah pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang sudah dilatih Alhamdulillah yey! Ada 1 sih yang agak beda dan unexpected, yaitu:

Have you tried to contact the professor you want to work with?

Untungnya ku memang sudah meng-email si calon supervisorku ini dan jawabannya adalah memang dia lagi nyari mahasiswa PhD buat mengerjakan projeknya, asal aku fundingnya ada, dia bisa-bisa aja nerima aku masuk. Jadi ku jawablah seperti itu.

Udah deh selesai. Itu interviewnya cepet banget btw. Slotnya kalau nggak salah tuh harusnya 30menit per orang including transisi lah jadi bersihnya 25menit-an per orang. Tapi aku masuk jam 15pm terus udah keluar ruangan 15.17pm gitu? Jadi total aku interview cuma 15-16menit! Imagine. Aku gatau apa karena aku yang ngomongnya emang cepet banget atau memang ya... yang ditanyain nggak banyak-banyak banget(?) Tapi jujur ku sudah lupa semua, kayanya betul-betul cepet banget waktu berlalu di dalam ruangan interview itu terus keluar ruangan tuh langsung ngeblank lupa apa yang baru saja terjadi....

Oh iya lupa menjelaskan detail panelistsnya siapa aja. Intinya ada 4 orang: 2 orang dari Jardine Foundation (I think mereka basenya di HK), 1 orang si Prof Cambridge itu, aku lupa dia bidangnya apa, tapi ngga ada hubungannya dengan bidangku aja deh, kayanya Math? atau Bio sesuatu?, terus 1 orang lagi perwakilan dari Astra namanya Pak Budi(?). Nah, kenapa Astra? Karena si Jardine Matheson ini megang holding di Astra Indonesia 51% gitu(??) aku juga lupa-lupa inget. Tapi waktu prep buat interview ini sempat belajar tentang Jardine juga sih, mereka invest di mana aja, dan bidang apa aja. Tapi udah lupa semua sekarang...

Tapi intinya gitu, beres interview itu lega banget dan betul-betul yaudah lagi-lagi berusaha untuk move on dan nothing to lose aja. It was a great experience overall. Waktu itu mikirnya kalaupun ga dapet juga udah senang banget punya pengalaman lunch di Mandarin Oriental kan, kapan lageeee. Terus bisa ketemu sama Prof di Cambridge juga dan orang-orang keren.

Lesson learned dari chapter ini apa ya....? Practice makes perfect? Intinya ya dari sini ku betul-betul merasakan confidence level itu ujung-ujungnya bersumber dari jam terbang latihan. So... do practice!

Menjadi Awardee Conditional

Seminggu(?) setelah interview, lupa lebih tepatnya berapa hari tapi sepertinya seminggu efektif hari kerja deh, dapatlah email kalau aku diterima sebagai awardee Jardine Scholarship! Yey! Tapi dengan bintang (*) alias T&C (terms and conditions) yaitu... harus keterima Oxbridgenya.

Nah, ini yang susah dan tricky sesungguhnya. Karena kondisinya adalah... kita itu sudah pasti akan dibayarin Jardine tapi jika dan hanya jika kita keterima di Uni. Which is not easy at all. The real battle begins now. Cuma enaknya adalah... semua aplikasi kita ke Oxbridge akan dibantu dan diguide oleh Jardine. Jadi kalau ngomongin timeline, kan tadi ku submit aplikasi Jardine tuh Juni ya, terus interview Juli, dikasih pengumuman dapat atau nggaknya Agustus. Nah dari Agustus-Januari itu adalah periode bukaan aplikasi untuk Oxbridge. Jadi selama Agustus-Januari itu, diharapkan kita bisa mencicil aplikasi Oxbridge kita: IELTS, Research Proposal, Written Work, Reference Letter, Ijasah, dsb2. Si Jardine sih mintanya semua berkas-berkas ini dikasih ke mereka dulu buat di proofread gitu dibantuin dikasi feedback kalau ada yang masih kurang-kurang. Tapi ujung-ujungnya aku langsung submit aja sih ke Oxfordnya haha. Mereka kukasih dokumenku tapi nggak ada feedback apa-apa juga.

Sesungguhnya tapi si surat keterangan dari Jardine bahwa kita adalah awardee conditional itu pada akhirnya, in my case ya, sangat helpful sih. Surat ini ku-attach pas ngemail calon spvku dan dia jadi lebih dengan senang hati menerimaku. Surat ini juga ku-upload di aplikasi Oxford terus kutulis kalau funding aku udah aman pokoknya tenang aja. Pas interview dengan departemen juga aku sebut aku sudah ditanggung oleh Jardine untuk SPPnya. Dan sampai sekarang aku kepikiran ya kemungkinan aku lolos di dept karena udah secure fundingnya.

Intinya setelah kehebohan Jardine ini, tinggal battle apply Oxford sih. Well, nggak tinggal sih... ini heboh juga. Tapi mungkin lain post kali ya ceritanya. Intinya aku submit aplikasi tu mepet deadline ajadeh. 24 Januari 2020 gitu deadlinenya? Dan aku submit 23 Januari 2020 pas lagi ngajar di Rantepao, Toraja Utara sana, imagineeeee internetnya kek mana. Tapi Alhamdulillah akhirnya kesubmit. Terus dipanggil interview dept tu Feb/Mar gitu lupa. Dan akhirnya dapet offer dari Oxford Maret akhir kalau gasalah. Itu udah nangis banget di Gedung A langsung sujud syukur terus solat magrib pusing banget mana baru mulai covid tu, lagi heboh-hebohnya WFH semua kelas offline ku-cancel dan off dulu seminggu gitu ngga ada kelas karena transisi.

Oh iya, untuk berapa orang yang lolos, pada akhirnya tuh dari 3 ITB dan 3 UGM awardee conditional ini kita dibuatin group whatsapp gitu. Intinya untuk saling reminder dan keep in check dengan progress masing-masing aja sih. Akhirnya tapi yang berangkat dapet offer dari Oxbridge tuh cuma 3: 2 ITB dan 1 UGM. (Well, at this point, it doesn't matter anymore sih ITB UGMnya). Dari 3 orang yang dapet offer ini, aku doang yang DPhil, sisanya anak master semua: 1 di Oxford ambil MPP Blavatnik dan 1 di Cambridge ambil finance di Judge. Yang 3 lainnya gimana? I'm not sure with the other 2, tapi 1 yang dari UGM yang dosen juga aku sempat ngobrol bareng. Dia apply PhD juga, nah tapi ternyata sampai hari terakhir deadline aplikasi tuh dia belum nemu prof yang bisa menampung dia untuk menjadi supervisornya. Makanya sepertinya akhirnya agak susah buat dia untuk dapet offer. Karena memang untuk PhD seleksinya bukan lagi masalah kualifikasi kan, tapi kamu nanti akan kerja di bawah supervisi siapa. Makanya memang paling enak kalau kita apply ke available project, instead of proposing our own research ideas. Well, anyway, masalah apply doktoral ini nanti harus satu post terpisah sendiri. Tapi sangat disayangkan. Nah, kalau udah jadi awardee conditional Jardine tapi nggak keterima di Oxbridgenya gimana? Ya... dengan berat hati, Jardinenya hangus... Gabisa dipakai atau diuangkan atau didefer... Kalau mau ikut lagi tahun depan ya seleksi dari awal lagi seleksi berkas... Sedih ya mayan.

Lesson learned dari chapter ini: hidup ya memang seperti ini kawan, tidak ada habisnya. Setelah beres dari satu hal apakah sudah begitu saja lantas kita bisa beristirahat? Oh, tentu tidak, coba dibaca lagi Al-Insyirahnya ayat 7.

Terus, ya sudah deh, habis itu semua tinggal admin stuff. Harusnya ada dinner penyerahan sertifikat simbolis dsb. di Mandarin Oriental Juli 2020 di hari yang sama diadakannya interview Jardine untuk batch berikutnya, tapi karena covid-19 semua ditiadakan. Tiba-tiba ku dikirim sertifikat ajadeh via DHL dari HK. Dan dapat email-email terkait stipend dsb. Berangkat deh aku September 2020 dan sekarang sudah hampir genap 1 tahun ku tinggal di Oxford!

General Scheme

Nah tadi di atas adalah uraian panjang perjalanan hidupku mendapat beasiswa Jardine (yang mungkin kandungan informasinya hanya 50% dari seluruh teks karena kebanyakan irrelevant infonya, I'm sorry para pembaca sekalian).

Tadi di atas ku sudah berjanji akan membahas sedikit bagaimana kalau ingin apply Jardine tapi kalian bukan alumni ITB ataupun UGM, yaitu melalui general scheme. Nah, kalau general scheme, yang terjadi adalah: timelinenya berbeda dengan yang kuceritakan di atas. Kalau aku tadi flowchartnya adalah: apply Jardine dulu Juni-Agustus baru kemudian apply Oxbridge Agustus-Maret dapet offer, sedangkan untuk general scheme: apply Oxbridge dulu September-Maret, dapet offer, baru apply Jardine. Jadi kalau general scheme ini PR terbesarnya adalah harus dapat offer dari Oxbridgenya dulu. Jika teman-teman sudah mendapat offer dari Oxbridge, kalau teman-teman masih merupakan WNI, pasti akan ditawarkan oleh Oxbridge untuk apply Jardine. Nanti kalian tinggal masukkan aplikasi ke college yang ditampung oleh Jardine (kalau di Ox: Exeter, Oriel, Trinity, Queens) dan kalau dokumen kalian oke, baru akan dipanggil interview. Sayangnya yang ku tahu untuk intake 2021 ini, yang dipanggil interview hanya yang akan mengambil DPhil aja (untuk di Oxford ya, nggak tau kalau yang apply ke Cambridge). Kalau untuk intake 2020 contoh yang via general scheme ini ada Dara Nasution yang anak PSI itu, itu dia ambilnya master masih dapet.

Jadi.. memang agak susah sepertinya kalau hanya untuk mengambil master pake Jardine via general scheme. Tapi tenang aja! Setahuku selain Jardine di Oxbridge juga masih banyak kok scheme2 scholarship lain untuk warga-warga negara berkembang (3rd world countries) seperti kita ini. LPDP juga Oxbridge masuk list bukannya?

Intinya percayalah teman-teman, if there is a will there is a way... Yang paling penting: cobain aja dulu. Kalau kita nyoba, probability kita dapet itu adalah 0-100%, tapi kalau kita nggak nyoba, probability kita dapet ya pasti 0%. Bebas, tinggal milih 0-100 vs 0. The choice is yours.

Dah gitu dulu aja. Maapin panjang ye. Kalau ada pertanyaan-pertanyaan (yang nggak bisa digoogling cari tahu sendiri terutama), mangga ditanyakan saja dan InsyaAllah akan kucoba jawab semampuku.

Cheers!

9 Woodlands Close, OX3 7RY 00:43 am, 02/09/2021

[howaremetoday]

Can we skip to the goodpart?

ngomong-ngomong perihal ini, aku jadi pengin cerita.

tahun kemarin dan tahun ini tuh, buanyakk banget yang aku lalui. segala senang-sedih dan carut-marut kehidupan, kayaknya semuanya terasa. tapi alhamdulilaah jauh lebih banyakkkkk bahagianya daripada sedihnya.

tahun ini, banyak orang yang lalu lalang di kehidupanku. datang-pergi dengan banyak misteri. ada yang datangnya cepat, perginya juga cepat. ada yang datangnya lama, perginya cepat. ada yang lama ada, tapi ternyata sekarang sudah waktunya pergi.

bulan-bulan kemarin, aku meneguhkan diri untuk tidak mau dekat dengan siapapun. dekat disini, bukan dalam konteks asmara. tapi hubungan antar sahabat dan sayang. aku sayang semua sahabatku. bisa dibilang hidupku tergantung banget sama orang lain. kebiasaanku adalah suka cerita tentang apapun sama orang, gak jarang nantinya nyesel sendiri karena dirasa sudah overshared, hehehe. begitulah, gimana bawel, berisik, dan suka bersosialisasinya aku.

tapi aku yang kayak gitu juga, yang bikin aku sayang banget sama orang. maksudnya, sahabat. dirasa aku yang sayang sama mereka, tapi nggak sebaliknya. dirasa juga bahwa setiap orang di hidup aku, nanti pasti ada waktunya untuk pergi. aku yang gak mau menghadapi kesedihan berangsur karena kepergian itu, memilih untuk melepaskan semuanya dalam satu waktu.

sekarang, aku sudah kehilangan ketiga orang yang palingggg kusayang. Dea, Faiz, dan Dhean. aku sayang banget sama kalian, kangen banget. pengin rasanya main lagi, cerita bebas lagi, langsung sampaikan apapun yang aku rasain sama kalian. tapi sekarang kayaknya udah nggak bisa, sudah terlalu jauh. susah lagi mau mulainya. gak mau juga, eh, jangan. nanti kalian pergi, aku makin susah lepasnya. jadi, lepas dari sekarang saja, ya, sakit sedikit sekarang gakpapa, nanti juga terbiasa.

tapi ya, aku yang terbiasa butuh orang lain ini, masih suka nggak paham gimana caranya menjalani hidup tanpa teman, atau kurang teman. tapi aku harus bisa, harus. karena pada akhirnya aku cuma bisa mengandalkan diriku sendiri.

tapi YaAllaah, susah yaa :')

tapi susah, bukan berarti nggak bisa.

usaha terakhir kemarin, sudah dirasa cukup buat aku, hahahaha. soal kedepannya gimana, biar Allah yang atur, capek iiih ngatur skenario sendiri yang gak pasti mah. nanti tumbuh tuh harapan-harapan yang gak jelas arahnya kemanaa, hadeuuhh. masih mending kalo tumbuh benih-benih syurga, kan nggak ahh sekip-sekip. hoho.

omong-omong, perihal...

Can we skip to the goodpart.

ndak, ndakk. nda bisaaa. aku harus merasakan dulu part of not goodnya biar tau goodpartnya kayak gimana, bener kan?!

juga.. kalo goodpart terus, gak seru gak siiih, gak ada naik turunnya. jadi dinikmati aja prosesnya bestie. alon-alon asal kelakon, gapapa juga walau alone. WKWKWK. Hoho.

ada yang maha tahu, yang tahu bangettt soal kapan waktu yang tepat buat kamu ada di fase mana saat itu. gak ada yang tahu loh, tempe semua. eh, maksudnya. gak ada yang tahuu, bisa aja besok kamu jadi pure wanita shalihah kaya dan bermartabat yha walaupun nda mungkin dalam satu malem si emgnya km roro jongrang haaaa.

yaaaaaaaaa. gitu deh. sabaarr, orang sabar, bolong idungnya lebar. salah. orang sabar, disayang aku. salah lagi...

karena sesungguhnya Allah bersama orang-orang yang sabar :)

[chngbok]

50 Questions Tag ✨

thank you for tagging me @sprouttsse ♥

under the cut, because this is LONG ~  [ also beware of major oversharing ]

what takes too much of your time?

social media? games n stuff

what’s makes your day better?

@linos-teeth cough

what is the best thing that happened to you today?

I went to a really cool castle n i took LOADS of pictures (mainly flowers oops)  and I made two my new lock&home screen ~

what fictional place would you like to go to?

hmmm thedas,, away from whatever shits going on at the time i guess.

are you good at giving advice?

i dont know? for some things maybe?

do you have any mental illness?

LEts noT

have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

i used to a lot, one time i had it while i was on a school trip away and it was the first night and god it was horrible,,,, then quite a few times when i lost my grandparents.

what musician inspired you the most?

hmmm skz?

have you fallen in love?

i d k dude

what’s your dream date?

ok plS SOMEONE GO ON A WALK WITH ME LIKE,,,, I JUst wanna go on a walk and take photos i cry.

what do others notice about you?

:’) good thing? my eyes r pointed out a lot,,,, bad? i get told that i crack my knuckles a lot smh.

what is an annoying habit that you have?

im told its cracking my knuckles lmao fdkdkfdf

do you still talk to your first love?

doNT have one r l y idK?

how many ex’s do you have?

gonna sound rLY SHItty after what i just said wow but idk,,, i’ll say 1 serious one?

how many songs are in your playlist?

main playlist is like 400 then i have a smaller one which has like 200 and then a writing one which is like just piano n shit which is about 70ish,,, so not that many t b h

what instruments do you play?

t r i e d piano and guitar but not anymore lmao

who do you have the most pictures of?

hmMmm my pets and skz? @linos-teeth collection is growing tho <_<

where would you like to go before you die?

Korea germany and australia.

what’s your zodiac?

Leo

do you relate to it?

n a H

what is happiness to you?

o god hmm,,,, no idea idk how to word it

are you going through anything right now?

well sure?

what’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

i’ve always hated how i used to reject my grandads hugs and avoid him a lot when i basically spent time there everyday and idk wish I’d shown him more love while I could.

what’s your favorite store?

uMm,,,, dude I dont go shopping enough for this smh. no idea.

what’s your opinion on abortion?

dude they’re valid as shit,,,,, if you want one its up to you dude.

do you keep a bucket list?

NUpe

do you have a favorite album?

our queen I am who,,,, closely followed by miroh oh my fucking god.

what do you want for your birthday?

(made an amazon list already oops bc I have a lot of family far away so,,, but yeah thats literally only a couple of albums but iDK,,,, I’m on holiday for my birthday so it’d be nice to relax anD NOT WALk up too many hills,,,,, we’re going to the lake district)

what are most people’s first impression of you?

so i recently started a new college and people there always think im in a mood shrug,,,, app to them im really grumpy.

what age to you seem according to most people?

people always thought I was older because of my height,,, idk anymore tho. I feel like I have a stupidly young face for my age now i d k.

where do you keep your phone while sleeping?

on the window sill or like down the side of my bed, there a lil crack bc the radiator stops half way flfdfd

what word do you say the most?

out loud? dude, typing? idk fuck probably lmao

what’s the oldest age would you date?

idk about dating in the first place,,,, but maybe if i wanna and im like at an age i feel comfy dating idk? iDK,,,,, 4?5? years older idk watch me just date at like 60.

what’s the youngest age would you date?

idK WHats with aLL the dating s m h,,,,, but again whEN I WAnna idk,,,, 2 years youNGER? 3?

what job/career do most people say sould suit you?

im told i’d be good with kids but i hate them with a passion???? also been told i would be good at teaching,,,,

what’s your favorite music genre?

no fucking idea

if you would live in any country in the world, where would it be?

no i dea,,,, korea? but i doubt i’d survive with their standards,,,, can i cheat n just like go hop a few miles to wales?

what’s your current favorite song?

chronosaurus my baby

how long have you have this blog for?

had this blog since,,, late august? first blog was years ago tho i cry

what are you excited for?

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i d k...

are you a better talker or a listener?

listnener 100%

what is the last productive thing you did?

put off homework and write other stuff??? iTS WRITING So?

what do you want for Christmas?

changbin,,,

what classes do you get the best grades in?

history

on a scale of 1-10 how are you feeling right now?

it plummeted to a solid 3 bc of me being hyper jealous for the smallest of reasons.

what can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

history teacher maybe?

when did you first get your heartbreak?

dude i d k what counts as a heart break? loosing my grandparents? looking my cat?? was a fucking mess that one time i didn’t talk to a friend for a week AND lost a friend the sAME WEEk id k.

at what age do you want to get married?

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, d o i wanna get married? me n my friend who r both ace n probably aro used to be liKE LETs just do it when we’re oldER BUT THat didn’t work out so like,,,, to my other friends hmu if ur sad n lonely in the future.

what career did you want to have as a child?

always wanted to be a teacher?

what do you crave right now?

ANOTHER SOLO CHANGBIN LIVE

tagging @changbiinn @trashfbin @linos-teeth @honey-innie and anyone else shrug

[youknowhereihide]

Late Night Thought

Hi!

Again, I'm still here! Harusnya sih rutin at least sebulan sekali yaaa, tapi September ini aku lupaa mau mampir, eh baru sempet sekarang haha. Walau udah tanggal 1, tapi oke lah ini September recap akuu!

Oke pertama, di awal bulan aku dateng wisuda temenku. Nggak ada yg spesial sih, tapi yaaaaa yaudah lah ya. Eh minggu selanjutnya aku main lagi sama mereka, loh. Di sini baru ada kejadian yang sebenernya sih biasa aja, tapi..... Gatau pas kejadian itu terjadi, gue rasanya mau marah kesel tapi kayak ya ngapain kesel tapi tetep kesel!!! It was an accident tho but still I was mad and ARGHHHHHHHHH. Yaudah gitu, gamaugamau jelasin detail. I let that burn and forgotten.

Trsss di minggu selanjutnya aku main ke ICE BSD!!! HEHE kakak kakak ini dateng ke Indo! Tapi sayangnya, aku masih belum bisa ketemu mereka 😞

Tapi kabar baiknya aku dapet freebies banyak!!! Hehe walaupun sebenernya ada sihh orang-orang yg sedikit nyebelin di sana cuma yaudah hehehehehe. Anyway, makasih banyak freebies nya Carats! Aku sukaaa! Malah aku dapet PC official coba!!! Merch nya jg banyaak dan lucu lucu gemeshhh🥺🥺

Trs abis pulang dari ICE BSD aku langsung ke Kalimulya, biasalah. Eh gataunya, ada sesosok cowok yang... Gue nggak tau siapa? Tp cukup menarik hehe. Tapi UDAH LUPA MUKANYA BENERAN REAL wkwkwk cuma wkt itu aku langsung kayak waaah ada yah yg begini di Depok hehe (now playing: enchanted - Taylor Swift) hehe yaAllah kalau dia baik dan masih jomblo sekarang, boleh dong dikenalin ke aku? Wkwkkw nggak deng it's just a fling ya Tuhan masa sieee naksir karena paras doang wkwkw

Terus apa lagi ya, ohh!! Besoknya aku main sama temen-temen aku! Nah di sana tuhh sebenernya agak nggak enak akunya, tp yaa tetep seneng sih bisa ketemu mereka dan tiap ketemu mereka, ada aja yang bisa diambil hikmahnya (kek ngaji) wkwkw trusss yg bikin aku terenyuh sampe sekarang, love language nya temen aku bagi bagi es krim!! Wkwkw trs ada temenku jg yang notice dark circle mataku makin item, trs dia nanya knapa bisa sampe begitu wiwkw lucu!! Padahal ya perhatian biasa, sesama temen, cuma yaa kayak... Gapernah diperhatiin kali ya jadinya terasa kayak HUHU MAKASI BANYAK PERHATIANNYA 😭😭😭 mau bilang makasih banyak-banyak! Walau tengilnya ga ketolongan tu anak.

Terus minggu ini, aku dapet undangan dari salah satu ex crush akuuu wkwkw. Sedih sihh ternyata ditinggal nikah lagii wkwkw. Tenang aja this is not my first time wkwkw. Tapi sedih juga, liat ibu agak sedih soalnya beliau tau kan seberapa naksirnya aku sama dia wkwkw tapii ya nggak apa apaaa, udah semestinya begitu. Aku pun nggak sakit hati atau apa, cuma yaaa yaudah ajaaa wkwkwk. Walau ada keinginan sedikit buat menyegerakan menikah yaa, tp gara-gara ada satu Tweet "itu cinta atau target?" Aku langsung deg, kepikiran seharian wak wwkwkwk iya jugaa! Kenapa sih harus ada target, nikah tuh kalo udah siap, udah sreg, udah tau bisa dan siap nerima kurang lebihnya pasangan. Ituuu!!!

Oke selesai September recap, I wanna tell u something about my feelings. Aku nggak tahu, ini pengaruh hormon karena lagi haid atau gimana, tapi beberapa hal jd bikin aku mikir.... Pertama, belakangan aku kayak sedih gituu karena ngerasa unloveable, padahal aku jg nggak tau kenapa harus ngerasa begitu? Sekarang belum ada yang suka ya karena emang blm qodar ajaaa. Kamu baik kok? Ya tetap coba koreksi dan terus memperbaiki diri yaa! Trsss yaa aku jg kepikiran celetukan temenku "dea kalo cerita bahasnya itu mulu, nggak bosen apa ya, tapi gapapa deh cerita aja" Trs aku langsung kayak... Iya ya... Kenapa ya... (Konteks cerita naksir naksiran gitu lah) trs aku jadi mikir kayaknya udahan aja gausah overshare yaa, ga baik. Better remain silent aja hehe. Trs yaa belakangan aku jadi mikir kira-kira aku harus menghindari cowok yang bagaimana ya, yang gimana yaa yang bisa aku Terima dan nggak bisa aku Terima, trs aku mikir, apakah yang nggak bisa aku terima itu ada di dalam diriku atau nggak. Misal, aku sebisa mungkin ngga mau sama cowok yang insecure sama dirinya sendiri, trs aku suka mikir, apakah aku juga insecure? Kalau iya, ya jangan insecure, ayo coba buat jadi semakin berani dan percaya diri, biar nggak jadi yang kamu nggak sukain. Singkatnya, aku mencoba jadi sosok yang bisa setidaknya disukain sama diri aku sendiri. Walau sounds weird yaa, tapi serius loh, pasti ada di bagian diri sendiri yang nggak disukain kan? Selain jadi sosok yang bisa disukai diri sendiri, aku jg mau belajar sayang sama diri sendiri. Soalnya aku kayaknya masih jahat banget sama diri aku sendiri. Ah ternyata masih banyak PR nihh! Wkkww.

Selain perasaan ke orang lain dan diri sendiri, belakangan aku mikir, ternyata dari dulu aku suka anak-anak ya. Meskipun mereka bikin repot, tapi rasa sayang mereka ke kita itu pure. Nah, itu yang nggak bisa dikalahin dengan apapun. Dulu pas masih SMA, aku sempet pengen jadi dokter anak wkwkwk, trs pas mutusin masuk IPS, aku sempet pengen jd psikolog atau guru BK gitu yang ngadepin anak-anak. Trs pas lulus, aku nyoba jadi guru TK wkwkw walau gak kesampaian yaa, tapi setelah lulus kuliah aku dikasih kesempatan buat ngajar PAUD sama anak-anak ngaji. Wkwkw jujuryaa capek banget tapi seneng banget!!!! Trs dari situ tiba-tiba kepikiran pengen punya anak wkwkwkw. Anehhh bgt padahal punya suami aja belum wkwkwk.

Okay that's all my late night thought! Saya pamit undur diri! See you! 💙

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

@whatrparks asked for an update on accidental relationship and pining. Here’s the pining update and I’ll probably do the accidental relationship one tomorrow! - Anastasia

Daddy Dearest by StilinskiSexual (CurlyLahey)

(1/? I 186 I Explicit I Sterek)

Derek Hale is a strong, independent dad who don't need no man.

Then why does he fantasize about bending his son's new kindergarten teacher over his desk, and wants to cook him dinner?

Or

Derek Hale is a single dad to baby Isaac and baby Liam and swears he doesn't need anyone else, that is until he meets the most handsome man he's ever seen with eyes that feel like home. No, he hasn't been reading Erica's Romance novels.

won't sleep by triggeringthehealing (froggydarren)

(1/1 I 303 I General I Sterek)

He doesn’t sleep because on those nights, he doesn’t want to. Because on those nights, he finds a spot where he can see the sky, where he can keep his eyes on the bright circle in the darkness around it.

Pretty, Pale (and Mine) by OverMyFreckledBody

(1/1 I 591 I Mature I Jennifer/Kali)

From the first time Kali has set eyes on Julia, she's known, wanted.

Julia's got pale, perfect skin. Kali wants to mark it.

Real Life, Love by QuickLikeLight

(1/1 I 829 I General I Scott/Lydia)

The sound of Lydia’s key in the lock makes him breathe a small sigh of relief. Lydia’s home. She’ll know what to do.

Nonsexual Favors by 42hrb

(1/1 I 851 I Teen I Sterek)

Derek gets a text from Stiles in the middle of the night asking for help. He'll always help Stiles.

The Twenty Dollar Date by Lacrosse_CandyCorn_Puns

(1/1 I 904 I General I Sterek)

Derek pines, Stiles pines, and Finstock just wants the cafeteria to stop serving those god awful fish tacos. Is that too much to ask?!

The Line by inatshej

(1/1 I 931 I Explicit I Sterek)

They spend the whole hour discussing the topic. Both leave with the list of the books to read. The line between them, so clear before – Derek is a TA, Stiles is a student – becomes blurry.

Strawberries and Lemonade by mikkimouse

(1/1 I 992 I Teen I Sterek)

Stiles had volunteered to help Derek out with the garden out at the pack house this summer, though also admittedly, he’d done so because he was nursing the most unrequited of unrequited crushes. Spending all summer staring at Derek’s well-muscled back and ass seemed like both the best and worst idea in the world at the same time, and Stiles had absolutely zero sense of self-preservation.

That's Just My Face Stiles by 42hrb

(1/1 I 1,040 I Teen I Sterek)

After Scott manages to break all the centerpieces for Lydia and Jackson's wedding Stiles and Derek are stuck together making new ones. 

meat cute by bleep0bleep

(1/1 I 1,046 I Teen I Sterek)

Stiles sees it when he’s grocery shopping, the display hardly touched, people opting for the cheaper, non-heart shaped packages of steak. He gets it, he really does, after all, what’s the point of buying specially packaged meats for your significant other if you’re just gonna take the thing out of the box and cook it, anyways?

But if you had a werewolf sweetheart, this would be awesome, right?

Stiles snaps a photo and sends it to Kira, asking if she’s got a present for Scott yet. She texts him back a second later with, aw thanks i already got him a present when i went xmas shopping tho

And then: u should give it to ur werewolf ;)

Stiles stares at his phone, because he doesn’t have a werewolf. Well, technically he has a crush on a werewolf, but that doesn’t really count.

He buys the steak anyways.

Derek's bad luck? by Lonelyirises

(2/2 I 1,401 I General I Sterek)

For a few seconds he couldn’t believe his eyes, when he saw the mole speckled specimen of beauty was standing a few feet away from him, in process of moving heavy looking boxes in to the next house. And the second Derek got over the disbelief he realized his whole world had come crashing down. Why did the universe hate him so much?

Derek had left the his hometown, unable to deal with the heartache and moved to this “nowhere” town about 3 hours away from Beacon Hills, the day Stiles had married Lydia. What was more pathetic? Stiles had no idea Derek existed. And yet… and yet after everything Derek had gone through, and left behind, Stiles was moving in, right next door to him. Derek couldn’t believe his bad luck.

Under Development by dr_girlfriend

(1/? I 1,411 I Teen I Sterek)

Environmental lawyer Derek Hale is determined to stop the planned defacement of his beloved Beacon Hills Preserve by the mammoth Starr Development company. To do so, he makes a deal with the devil himself — Stiles Starr, the brash young scion of the Starr family and COO of Starr Development. Derek hates Stiles at first sight. Mieczysław Stilinski, on the other hand, is someone that Derek could grow to like...or even love.

Praise Jesus for Stiles Stilinki's Hot Bod by TheChosenOneIamNot

(2/? I 1,508 I Mature I Sterek)

Derek and Stiles have been officially dating for six months now and everything is going great, except for one small thing. He's never seen Stiles shirtless despite many heated makeout sessions that end in one or both having to change their pants. Obviously this must be due to Stiles lack of self esteem and must be remedied immediately. With the packs help, hopefully Derek will be able to get into Stiles pants (and shirt) before he dies of sexual frustration.

I Want You to Show Me by hazelNuts

(1/1 I 1,510 I General I Sterek)

Stiles slides out of his car and softly closes the door, wincing when the hinges groan. He trails behind Derek as they walk to his house, close enough that he can intervene if necessary, but far enough away that he knows he won’t wake Derek up. When they arrive at his place, he sits on the porch steps, pulls out his phone, and waits.

Pizza with a Side of Panic by SnazzyJazzyH

(1/1 I 1,767 I Teen I Sterek)

Stiles hates pizza but that sure doesn't stop him from ordering pizza from Hale of a Pizza. Although the hot delivery guy probably had something to do with it.

Last Call by Inell

(1/1 I 1,822 I Teen I Stiles/Danny/Jackson)

Stiles decides to drown his sorrows but the bar owners aren’t cooperating with his plan.

Girl Crushed by ExpectroPatronum74

(1/1 I 2,111 I Mature I Sterek)

Derek is in love with Stiles and has been for months, but he has a problem. Stiles is dating Malia and Derek's chances are not looking too good.

Haven't you heard the rumours? by fairyfey

(1/1 I 2,162 I Teen I Sterek)

Stiles is a drama teacher who tends to overshare, Derek is a nerdy english teacher who somehow makes cardigans sexy and the students think they should be together.

or

We’re both high school teachers and my students ship us but I won’t let them tell you au

Eating habits by SourwolfZiam

(1/1 I 2,355 I Mature I Sterek)

"Have you ever eaten your own barf? "Stiles"

Or, Stiles and Derek get their shit together.

starry eyed and nerdified by haleofStilesheart

(1/1 I 2,392 I General I Sterek)

For the past two weeks Stiles has been leaving Derek anonymous love notes. Derek finally guesses who his secret admirer is.

quoting Rhett Butler by haleofStilesheart

(1/1 I 2,445 I Teen I Sterek)

Stiles has a bad habit of dating complete assholes. Good thing Derek's there to knock some sense into him.

what in carnation? by haleofStilesheart

(1/1 I 2,985 I General I Sterek)

Deliveryman wasn't exactly Derek's dream job but it helped put him through school so he couldn't complain. Especially since it helped him meet the love of his life.

I Fell in Love with My Best Friend (2.0) by DerekHaleGirl97

(1/1 I 3,515 I Not Rated I Sterek)

Now I realize you are the only one It's never too late to show it. Grow old together, Have feelings we had before Back when we were so innocent

I pray for all your love Girl, our love is so unreal I just wanna reach and touch you, squeeze you, somebody pinch me (I must be dreaming) This is something like a movie And I don't know how it ends, girl But I fell in love with my best friend...

Grand Jeté by thekissballad (kkpsigirl)

(1/1 I 3,753 I General I Sterek)

“I don't mean to be rude, Dad,” she said toward Stiles before turning back to Derek, “but as you saw, Mr. Hale, he's not the most graceful person.”

Stiles snorted, turned red and covered his face while his daughter continued. “I don't want him to perform a grand jeté and hurt himself. He needs to be able to catch all the bad guys. So...” she trailed off, looking between both men.

Code Sea Witch by ANTchan

(1/1 I 4,975 I General I Sterek)

At Lydia Martin’s Nereid Crown they have a code: “Somebody asked for the Sea Witch.”

Recipe for the heart. by skyblue993

(3/5 I 5,018 I Teen I Sterek)

It's the last year of high school and Stiles is ready to leave everything behind but there's only one thing he wants to do before leaving for college; Conquer Derek's heart.

To Move On is to Grow by WhisperedWords12

(1/1 I 5,886 I Explicit I Stiles/Everyone)

Stiles decided to put on the collar that marked him as a sub for public use at 16. By law, it was the youngest he is allowed to, and was the only one in his year to do so. It's when Scott gets bitten and Derek comes into town that everything changes.

What You Need by dragon_temeraire

(1/1 I 6,230 I Explicit I Sterek)

Derek is an alpha with unusual desires. 

Shadows We Make by Alwaysdreaming95

(3/? I 8,728 I Teen I Sterek)

After Defeating the Nogistune Stiles twin, Jada, ends up coming back to Beacon Hills after living in Ireland. The only problem in this family reunion is abondoment and the trouble that follows her home. She tries to deal with her past traumas and her nightmares. This is a story that follows Jada in her journey to deal with the alpha and his pack that wants her dea and her new... old life in Beacon Hills.

Sevens and Eights by calrissian18

(1/1 I 10,092 I Teen I Sterek)

Stiles has a bandage slung under his chin like a disembodied helmet strap when Derek first meets him. It’s complemented by a chipped front tooth and a scrape of road rash across his cheek.

Mischief and a SourWolf by LoneWolf1993

(6/? I 12,520 I Not Rated I Sterek I MCD)

It's been four months since Derek left Beacon Hills and has began to settle into his new life. Until he gets a message from the life he left that has him coming back to the reason he left in the first place.

Easy, Cheesy by crookedcig

(6/? I 18,881 I Teen I Sterek)

Derek sets his kitchen on fire (a little bit). Stiles is a firefighter called to the scene. Derek communicates his anger with eyebrows alone, and Stiles falls in lust. Slowly, they both fall in more than that.

aka what happens when I try to write how their lives would be different if Laura had refused to ever go back to California.

I like to be called cupcake, too. by ellsaba (laceydean)

(16/? I 18,855 I Teen I Sterek)

It look a long time to come up with a name for the bakery.

Or, it took a long time for Stiles to accept that “no, we’re not going to call it Stilinski’s Bakeski’s, what is wrong with you, it’s not even your business”. Which, yeah, wasn’t one of his greater ideas, but it was one of his ideas. Plural.

Unbreakable by rufferto, SlasherFiend

(3/? I 42,478 I Explicit I Petopher)

After a particularly unsettling week alone in the house he used to share with the wife he loved, Chris has had a little bit too much to drink. Normally he can deal with pain and feelings. Normally he can sort everything out and soldier forward. When he is at the end of his rope there is something that he needs to do and someone who can help him if he chooses to. So he leaves himself open practically inviting the Werewolf to come kill him. But it’s not a fight he wants. A little more than ten years ago he had an affair with Peter Hale. At that time period, he’d needed someone, something to pull him out of the path he was on before it was too late. Before he became Gerard. Peter had been that person. Peter had been the only one to get through to him, make him talk. Peter was the reason Allison didn’t get trained at a young age. Chris handled the ending of it badly. He’d hurt Peter who had fallen in love with him. In spite of being in love, he’d chosen his family. Now he needs that again, he’s falling into that pit and only one man can pull him out of it, if he chooses to.

[seatnights]

aaaaaaa thank you so much for tagging me!!@penguinsandpotterheads love this! <3

no pressure tags obv ♡ @mopeymopeymouse @daleyeahson @harrywavycurly @lovebugism @harringtonfan4

name tag!

how to: search your name in Pinterest, add "core" to it and search. got tagged by @down-with-cis-train ďakujem krásne :D

first nine results:

tagging @im-goofball @nixie-dantes-belvedere @mist-the-wannabe-linguist @alpacinoinheat @melis-writes and @castanierprosper . have fun guys <3

[seatnights]

Tag 9 people you want to get to know better!

thank you so much for the tag lovelies: @munsonsfairy & @cooliestghouliest & @goldenbrownanddistasteful ! love you all <33

last song: Fahrradsattel by Pisse

last show: I’ve been rewatching The Mentalist and Rizzoli&Isle for the past months (+ Dark my beloved); still can’t find another series to binge on

last movie: New movie is All Of Those Voices (Louis Tomlinson Documentary), but yesterday i rewatched Shrek and Trolls. i was in a mood, idk what mood exactly but anyway

currently watching: fun fact, i suffer from FOMO, anxiety and adhd, which gives me serious problems at concentrating, so it’s difficult to start a new shows or books for me. but, i’m still trying to finish Gossip Girl and The Vampire Diaries (it’s been four years, i have no hope anymore lol)

currently reading: Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho

current obsession: inventing crazy nails art to do and eddie munson obviously (even more eddie munson fanfiction or steddie x reader). i have needs okay!

no pressure 🏷️: @penguinsandpotterheads @pepsimunson @willowsgrl @i-me-mine @sleepy-quinns @havecourage-darling @jamdoughnutmagician @xlilithb @munsons-mayhem28 + everyone who wants to participate, you are all welcome! (sorry if you were already tagged)💌

[eldenphil]

yes its oversharing time at dea dot tumblr dot com

[the-little-prophet]

CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE: CHARLIE LITTLE 

ORIGINS & FAMILY: Name: Charles Boon-Mee Kai Little   Nickname: Charlie, Kai (Kai is Charlie’s chu len-- or Thai nickname.) Reason for name: Charles’ father wanted Charlie to have an English name first and foremost and named Charlie after himself. Boon-Mee is Charlie’s Thai name which means “good fortune.” Kai was the nickname that his mother chose because he was born early and was very small. Kai means chicken. ;) Age: 19 Gender: Male Place of birth: Swynlake, England Places lived since: Nowhere! Number of siblings: Charlie has one stepbrother from his mother’s second marriage. He usually only sees them when he visits his mother-- usually twice a year, hardly ever more. 

Relationship with family (close? estranged?): Dad–Charles “Buck” Little used to be a pro baseball player from Los Angeles California, but an injury early on in his career benched him and ended that career. Instead, Charles “Buck” Little became an insurance agent and got a job working at InterPride until Taka Lyons took over and fired half his department. That was four years ago. Now Buck gets disability insurance and works at Pride U in their IT department.

Mum- Dr. Phailin Dilsworth, formerly Little, formerly Chaisurivirat. First-generation American, became a college professor and found a job teaching at Pride University where she had her first child, Charlie. She was NOT into the magick-friendly thing as much as Charles was and wanted to move for a long time. She blamed Swynlake as a big part as to why Charlie had his chronic sleeping disorder. Eventually she got a job teaching in a school down in Bournemouth and left Charlie and Buck when he was 9 years old. She remarried when he was 10 and moved with her husband, who was also a professor, to Toronto. Charlie talks to his mom on the phone every month or so and sees her for a few weeks in the summer/every other Christmas.

Sylvester Dilsworth- Charlie’s stepbrother-- same age-- who thinks Charlie is a #freak for growing up in Swynlake, aka England’s great failed experiment. Wants to go into Psychology like his dad (thinks Charlie is #crazy). Charlie does not like Syl.

PHYSICAL Height: 5’6 (teeny) Weight: 125 ish idk height Build: Charlie has always been very short since he was a child and grew very slowly. He’s kinda still hoping he’ll put on another inch or two before he’s done growing but… looking pretty hopeless Nationality: English Disabilities (physical or mental, including mental illnesses): Charlie has severe astigmatism in his eyes. He’s severely sleep-deprived and suffers from dissociative episodes. Complexion (freckles, acne, skin tone, birth marks): Olive-toned skin, and a few moles on his face and neck. Often times cuts himself shaving (does it like every few days) and so he’ll have tiny nicks here and there. Also misses lil hairs all the time, look he’s trying Distinguishing facial features: His very big thick glasses lmao and he’s got quite pretty eyes in my opinion, even if they are hidden behind his messy fringe and big, thick glasses.  Round cherub cheeks.

Hair color: Black. Usual hair style: Messy and long-- Charlie never has time to brush his hair in the morning   Eye color: Dark brown Glasses? Contacts?: yes to both though contacts bother his eyes.

Style of dress/typical outfit(s): Charlie comes from a middle-class family and dresses like a typical Brit-- sweaters over collared shirts, that kind of thing. He leans toward hipster-esque if only because he likes comfy sweaters because it’s easiest to fall asleep in haha, and he’s often seen around in pajama pants and zip up jumpers if he slept past his alarm and had no time to change. I would call his style “frumpy nerd chic.” Typical style of shoes: He wears a lot of Toms because they are comfy and easy to slip on, so you know, better than sandals. Health (is this person usually sick? or very resilient?): Chronically sleep-deprived, Charlie also suffers from migraines. He’s noticed that if he has bad migraines one day, he’ll probably have a night terror. Which stresses him out. And makes the migraine worse. Otherwise, Charlie is a relatively healthy young boy, with pollen allergies in the spring but no other sensitivities.   

Grooming (does she/he wear makeup? shower daily? wear only clean clothes? pluck her eyebrows?): NGL this could be better but it’s not his fault he’s just very tired. He does take a shower nearly every day (cold showers to wake him up) and does his own laundry so he had clean clothes. But he often does not brush his hair and wears hats to make up for it. Jewelry? Tattoos? Piercings?: None thus far! He does wear a watch. Accent?: Typical brit Unique mannerisms/physical habits: He rubs his eyes a lot and toys with his hair. He cleans his glasses both as a compulsion and because a lot of the time when he tries to rub his eyes he will hit his glasses and need to clean them from all the finger smears.   Athletic?: He’s pretty fast and limber due to yoga and many years spent running from disasters, whether real or imagined. But Charlie won’t be beating anybody up lol INTELLECT Level of education: Completed a nurse’s assistantship and has a pheblotomist’s license. Taking uni courses on the side, hopes to one day be a proper doctor/surgeon. Level of self esteem: Medium-low. Charlie feels like a burden to his father and a freak to other people even though he knows he can’t help his condition. Years of therapy mean he’s pretty in touch with his sense of self though so while he beats himself up, he does have coping mechanisms. He also knows he is trying his best !! Gifts/talents: An excellent drawer, a pretty great cook, and a hard worker. He also has a lot of practical life skills. He’s a practical guy. Shortcomings: He can struggle to concentrate because of his health issues, he’s pretty cowardly and paranoid, he overreacts, he’s a bit socially awkward (not in a shy kind of way-- Charlie is actually outgoing ish but because he doesn’t have many friends he doesn’t understand a lot of the social cues. His desperation for friendship is also Not Attractive). Style of speech (loud, mumbler, articulate, etc.): Nervous talker for sure. Doesn’t stammer, just goes on and on and on. Definitely overshares when nervous. “Left brain” or “right brain” thinker?: Left-brained.Charlie is deductive, rational, and wants to be a doctor someday. His secondary -claw is super strong and he craves an explanation for things and hates that he doesn’t have one for his night terrors. The fact that it could be magic also doesn’t comfort him but scares him, despite growing up in Swynlake (hey he thought he was a Mundus all the time ok!) beccause he doesn’t uNDeRstanD and can’t conTrol it. Artistic?: Yes, uses charcoal and pastels. Mathematical?: Yes, he’s p good at math. Languages? Just English. He once spoke in Tongues during one of his Doomer episodes but that was probably a glitch haha. His mother never taught him any Thai.

Makes decisions based mostly on emotions, or on logic?: Logic, always logic.

Neuroses: Thinks World Is Ending At All Times

Life philosophy: uh don’t die? Do the good you can with the tools you have. Be Prepared-- Two is one, and one is none (aka hvae two of everything; its a prepper mantra). 

Religious stance:  Is starting to explore aspects of buddhism which is tied to his Thai culture (something he’s very distanced from especially because his mother no longer lives with him and she was pretty removed from it too) and hopes will help him with his night terrors.

Cautious or daring?:  Cautious Optimist or pessimist?: Pessimist- the world is literally always ending.

Extrovert or introvert?: Ambivert, leaning to introversion. If Charlie had friends, he’d probably prefer smaller get togethers and that kind of thing but he would totally socialize and likes talking to people and working together in group projects charlie it is so sad that school is your main form of interaction.   Level of comfort with technology: Very comfortable. True millennial. Instagram, Twitter, FB, blog. He depends on his phone and computer a lot for his social life/coping mechanisms. He definitely has internet friends who are doomers like him.

RELATIONSHIPS Current marital/relationship status: Single Sexual orientation: Bi. Charlie doesn’t really think about romance that much because he’s mostly preoccupied with Death but he had a crush his bff as a smol boy (who was also a smol boy) and also has crushed on girls from afar (and tbh probably kinda crushes on Minnie a bit because she’s so pretty and kind to him). He never really questioned it and so its a nonissue for him. He would like to have a romantic life one day but kinda thinks its impossible like who would like him he’s CRAZY. He can’t even sleep a whole night thru let alone with another person in the bed.

Past relationships: As a boy, he had a crush on his bff at the time--Nate. Nate’s family moved away following one of Swynlake’s disasters bc they weren’t gonna fuck with that shit.

A social person? (popular, loner, some close friends, makes friends and then quickly drops them): Charlie is not afraid to strike up conversation and sort of accepts his reputation as a Crazy Person so that helps deal with any social anxiety (he’s too busy with his generalized anxiety thanks hahahah.) He has a few people in his classes who are willing to work with him on projects and stuff, a few internet friends-- but otherwise he considers a lot of the patients at the hospital his friends… problematic charlie ur friends r gonna die

Most comfortable around (person): His...cat? SECRETS Life goals: Charlie has always wanted to be a doctor. He wants to be able to respond to medical emergencies like the ones that he’s seen, so he’s thinking of trauma surgery but is open to other paths (he’s also pretty interested in neuro because of his own disorder; he also loves kids, so pediatrics). Just as long as he can help people.   Dreams: it would be nice to have a normal one whats that like   Greatest fears: Death, dying, disaster. And that he’ll be helpless in the face of all that and can’t save the ones that he loves. Also that he’s gonna be a lowkey embarrassment to his father for the rest of his life. Most ashamed of: His night terrors and the fact that he drove his mom away (he didn’t). Compulsions: Snacking. He snacks a lot during the night and when he watches tv. Obsessions: Watching the Golden Girls a lot, also the impending apocalypse which he had been prepping for since he was small.   Secret hobbies: ...being a prepper…. Is that a hobby…astronomy also thats more normal !! Secret skills:... prepping… Crimes committed (and was he/she caught? charged?): none thank god What he/she most wants to change about his/her current life: Find a cure for his illness/curse What he/she most wants to change about his/her physical appearance: Charlie would really like to be TALL. His dad is very tall and he got none of those genes and he feels like a pipsqueak and kind of helpless and he sort of is. So number one: TALL. Then he’d like to not have glasses and one day wants to get laser eye surgery to correct his vision, especially if he wants to be a surgeon.

DETAILS/QUIRKS Night owl or early bird?: Night Owl bc he’s terrified of sleeping. Light or heavy sleeper?: heavy sleeper. When he is sleeping, nothing can wake up but like, his dreams or his father shaking and yelling at him. He sleeps like he’s dead lmao Favorite food: Spicy food is his fave. Loves sushi, also loves chips and potato crisps and snack foods in general. When he’s too tired to cook, he’ll just eat an entire bag of crisps.   Least favorite food: Charlie isn’t a fan of a lot of red meats, like burgers and stuff. Favorite book: uhhhh mmmmm charlie isnt a big reader, he’s usually watching television. If he’s reading, he’s reading medical cases and articles.   Least favorite book:  horror story books Favorite movie: old musicals, honestly-- Hello Dolly, Pajama Game, that kind of thing. Very soothing. Probably LOVES It’s A Wonderful Life. Least favorite movie: horror movies leave him alone Favorite song: gosh idk Least favorite song: idk eIETHER probably does not metal Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: crunchy Lefty or righty?: leftY Favorite color: green or brown Cusser?: er, a bit, normal youngin. He doesn’t curse in front of adults though he’s pretty good about that. Smoker? Drinker? Drug user?: Charlie has had a few drinks here and there a social drinker if anything. Though he does wonder if drinking a lot could squash the dreams though this is a bad path for him to wander down. He has also thought the same about #drugs but is kind of a wimp and so he hasn’t tried any...yet Biggest regret: Charlie feels like he was a big part of the wedge that drove his mother to divorce his father because they had diff ways of dealing with charlie’s condition aka-- his mother wanted to deal with it and his father didn’t. This isnt really true, just another thing the two disagreed on. Pets?: A cat that his mom left behind! She’s old and fat and grey and her name is Emily

[seatnights]

Thank you a lot @spicysix & @pepsimunson for tagging me! <3

Rules: Go to Pinterest and type in "(your name) core aesthetic" and see what pops up!

Well let’s see, should we?

It’s definitely something, kinda interesting. i can see a bit of me in every picture, love the duality of this; i’m not going to explain what i can see in it tho, or else i’ll do a monologue lol

god didn’t give me the gift of summarising

i don’t really know who i actually am

anyway, no pressure tag: @orchidmunson @pleasantlycrazyworld @penguinsandpotterheads @jamdoughnutmagician @sleepy-quinns @josephquinnsdarling @littledemon-lilith @ryan-waddell11 @i-me-mine @munsons-mayhem28 @munsonology + everyone who wants to join! (sorry if you were already tagged, you can ignore this!)

have a wonderful weekend/sunday/day lovelies! take care and stay hydrated!

sending love🤍🪽

[seatnights]

10 Characters, 10 Fandom

thank you so much for tagging me @i-me-mine & @penguinsandpotterheads , love to participate! ᥫ᭡

Martha Nielsen - Dark

Melinda Gordon - Ghost Whisperer

Phoebe Halliwell - Charmed

Teresa Lisbon - The Mentalist

Eddie Munson - Stranger Things

Coraline - Coraline

Ethan Wate - Beautiful Creatures

Giselle - Enchanted

Annabeth Chase - Percy Jackson

Crowley -Good Omens

no-pressure tag list: @paranoidmunson @pleasantlycrazyworld @harringtonfan4 @mvnsoneddie86 @havecourage-darling and to whoever wants to play!

participate just if you want to, don’t stress yourself, no one is going to judge you for anything. this is a safe place! stay hydrated and take care!

thanks if you made it this far! lots of love <3

[seatnights]

Thank you so much @pepsimunson & @mvnsoneddie86 for tagging me in this lil game. I’m a bit shy when it comes to music i listen to, but i love to participate and get involved! ♡

Here we are with 10 songs!

Rules: shuffle your ‘on repeat’ playlist and post the first ten tracks, then tag ten people (no one it’s obligated to participate!).

Cigarettes Daydreams - Cage The Elephant

Fourth Of July - Sufjan Stevens

Come a Little Closer - Cage The Elephant

TV - Billie Eilish

Silver Tongues - Louis Tomlinson

Tag, You’re It - Melanie Martinez

Beautiful War - Kings Of Leon

Francis Forever - Mitski

It’s Alright - Mother Mother

august - Taylor Swift

No pressure tags : @paranoidmunson @pleasantlycrazyworld @i-me-mine @cooliestghouliest @havecourage-darling @eddiemunson-mylove @ratskcoreddie @penguinsandpotterheads @jamdoughnutmagician

+ everyone who wants to play!

That’s it, i know my taste in music is a lot “streamed” and popular, sorry i’m not cool lol ✿

[seatnights]

Ok so…

a bit of oversharing with the internet and some rambling, i just needed to tell this story

Welcome to the first episode of: Dea’s misadventures and other strange stuff

notes: i am arachnophobic and i also have a phobia of any existing insect on the planet. beautiful ladybugs and butterflies yes, but they must not stay on me. basically, I'm terrified of insects.

so last night (it's now 2:22pm), lasting about 6h (8pm to 2:30am), I first had my father kill a spider (in the living room, after dinner), and then: all hell broke loose. mom and dad go to their friend to talk and take a coffee.

I go back to my room to enjoy some music and I see a huge beast running from the beginning of the wall to the end of it, and of course my bed is pushed against that wall. i call my parents and they tell me to wait for them downstairs, but i didn’t want to lose sight of the beast. so after so much effort and crying, I take random washing products and spray them all over him while screaming, and I manage to kill the first centipede (screaming, crying, with absurd courage, but I succeeded). i call my parent again to tell them about my homocide (kinda). it was 11:40pm.

I was starting to enjoy the evening again, when Centipede 2.0 appears on the curtain. so I call my parents to tell them i needed them to kill the beast cause i couldn’t do it a second time and in the meanwhile i stare intently at the curtain, scared shitless, while waiting for my parents to arrive so they can kill it, and I stare at it for 1h and 30min. after that the beast 2.0 goes from the tent to the floor and then i never saw it again.

meanwhile I called my parents hundreds of times to try to figure out where they were. at 00:34am they were still at their friend's and my father tells me they were leaving, another 10 minutes and they were at home; at 1:07am I call again and find out that they are still with their friend and that they have not yet left, and this makes me furious. i mean: i was waiting for them helpless, they knew it and they just straight up ignored me???!!

let me explain: i called them the first time to tell them about the beast 1 at 11:40pm, then i told them i killed it at 11:52pm, then i called them back at 00:34am to say there was one another beast that it was hidden and that I was there to keep it under control but that they had to arrive to kill it, and they tell me 10 minutes and they are here…another half hour passes, I call back at 01:07am and they were still with their friend…jesus h. christ :))))).

then I wait pissed: in the meantime, instead of staring at the cosmic nothingness in the room, with the fear of meeting the centipede, I go downstairs. for a few minutes I cuddle the dog and the cat, but then I notice a spider and kill it: if we add the spider killed in the living room by my father at the beginning of the story, we are already down to 3 animals killed, only one is missing: beast 2.0.

I spend more time downstairs with the cat and dog and doing other household chores and in the meantime it's 01:30am, I call them again and they tell me I'm in a small village 10 minutes from home. at the good hour of 01:47am, my parents make me worthy of their presence. pissed and scared I direct them to my room to kill the centipede. after checking at various points, there seems to be no trace of the beast. I'm still scared like crazy because I knew it was alive, so I'm not giving up.

my mom asks me if i want to sleep with her or if i wanted someone with me during the night, and there i was starting to lose hope. then I vehemently slammed the bookcase and the monster popped up. at 2:00am. we tried to get him to move so we could catch him, and after so much effort the last parasite was killed. end of the story? no, a fly got in, and thank goodness it was easy to get out of the room.

i have to say that to kill the first beast I called my older brother and he didn't even calculate me (I thought he was sleeping, but he wasn't), after screaming his name for three times…i swear one of these days i’m going to kill him. all the crying and the fact that I came out crazy I would say it was a beautiful Saturday night/Sunday morning. an eventful one indeed.

honestly, i just wanted to sleep.

it's 03:50, please I want to sleep….

ps. in the end I slept, I woke up at 12:00, but I did it

End of episode 1 of: Dea’s misadventures and other strange stuff, that sincerely why me jesus h. christ!??

thanks for coming to my ted talk.

ily

[seatnights]

It’s tag game time! Let’s know each other a bit more!❣️

Thank you so much to my lovelies: @i-me-mine @penguinsandpotterheads @spicysix @pepsimunson for tagging me in this little thing! Love you all <3

Favorite color- red and light lavender

Currently reading- a lot of fic and Pleasure by Gabriele D’ Annunzio (not enjoying it a lot honestly)

Last movie I saw in the theater- Avatar II in 3D!! Good movie, was more exited cause it was my first 3D movie ever

Last Series- Law & Order - SVU or The Closer probably

Last Song- Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now by The Smiths

Craving- serenity, affection and attention

Tea or Coffee- i’m a tea lover, since i was a kid. love to try different types of it

Currently working on- getting my driver license. soon I will have the theory exam, I’m manifesting that I will pass it (also studying so much for it lol)

no pressure 🏷️: @usedtobecooler @sleepy-quinns @tlclick73 @hellfire--cult @munsons-mayhem28 @xlilithb and everyone who wants to participate! (sorry if you were already tagged, feel free to ignore this)

Everyone is welcomed! 🤍

Sending lots of love, take care!🫂