#dc ages are a hot fucking mess my dudes

[ectonurites]

okay genuine question bc I don't know enough about vague timeliness and vague ages. Isn't Cass supposed to be older than Jason in theory, and doesn't that make her like. in her Twenties?

So pre-New 52, Cass and Jason would have been roughly the same age, but its not actually said on page who would be older as far as I’m aware, we just get this:

(Batgirl (2000) #69)

I think people usually see Cass as older than him since her birthday [Jan 26] is earlier in the calendar year than his [Aug 16] (also Jason did spend 6 months dead & thus not aging, so even if he’d technically been older originally [like, his birthday being August of one year and hers being five months later in the following January], she’d have caught up & become older by a month in terms of physical age)

But also in the pre-New 52 world, it’s worth noting that that universe ended and the reboot happened before either her or Jason actually reached their 20s. Cass and Jason are both shown to be approximately 2 years older than Tim (Jason from basically the start if we consider how he was 15 at time of death and Tim was 13 when he got introduced shortly after, and how Tim turned 16 within a year [publication-wise] of when Cass starts being considered 18). We don’t really get ages for either Jason or Cass frequently by the end, but we do know Tim is 17 during Red Robin (which goes up to the end of the Pre-New 52 world) so if we keep the previously established age difference, that would have Jason & Cass both at around 19 right before the reboot.

But then the reboot happened, Tim got pushed back down to 16, Jason’s age is literally never officially addressed and his entire backstory gets altered so its not like we can really use the same timeline we previously had for him to determine it, and Cass is wiped from existence until 2015.

Every time we’ve gotten any indication on Cass’ age since she came back its just been to call her a teenager, without any specific age attatched to it, so like while it’s unclear by how much she was very likely aged down. Tim has been 16 the entire time. There was a vague hint that Jason’s gotta be at least in his twenties now in Red Hood #51 (because his friend from before Bruce took him in says she agreed to watch his apartment 12 years ago, meaning as long as he was 8 or older when Bruce took him in which by all versions of his story he absolutely was, then he’d be at least 20 now) but that’s really it.

Now it’s unclear if/how Infinite Frontier era may be altering all of this, but considering solicits for the Batgirls series do refer to Steph & Cass as teens it seems likely they’re keeping them around their reboot ages rather than restoring the old ones/letting them age. I hope they’re at least more in the 18/19 range of teens though and that gets addressed. (and similarly have Tim be closer to 17/18 now, though I doubt Batgirls would touch on that, it’d more likely be in his Urban Legends story. Jason I don’t think we’re getting any clearer indication on age any time soon though, I think DC just considers him nebulous early 20’s these days)

Soooo yeah. If the New 52 hadn’t happened Cass would prob be in her twenties and around Jason’s age, however… It did and he’s been implied to be around that age while she’s still considered a teen. I really wish Infinite Frontier had just right off the bat restored the old age differences (but nooooooo thatd make bruce seem too oooooold 😒)

[plasticnightmaredoll]

So, the "Justice League" finally got its own movie, eh? Oh, that thing from 2017 was just trash. It's gone. We don't need to look at it anymore.

But in all seriousness, it's great people called out for the Zack Snyder cut of the movie and actually got it! And, yes, it is a vast improvement over the Joss Whedon cut.

Now, my feelings about the DCEU have been pretty divided:

I actually did enjoy "Man of Steel" and found Superman to be relatable and likable for once (I'm not a Superman fan and don't come for me)

"Wonder Woman" was very entertaining and easily the best entry for me in the movie series so far.

"Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice" was a hot mess. Lots of good ideas but it was executed poorly. It felt kind of cheesy at times, especially that whole "Save Martha" thing. Jesse Eisenburg is not a convincing Lex Luthor. Ben Affleck is not a good actor and is a terrible Batman/Bruce Wayne. He's not as bad as George Clooney, but he's not much better either.

"Wonder Woman 1984" was a massive glow-down. Poor quality writing, Maxwell Lord was a weak villain, Cheetah was laughable, and the ending was so goddamn corny! Not to mention, it took ages for anything interesting to happen, and what was the deal with Steve Trevor possessing another dude's body? I mean...what?

Haven't seen "Suicide Squad" in its entirety but I do know and have seen enough to decide that it's a huge misstep. Haven't seen "Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)" either but I have some interest in it so perhaps someday.

Haven't watched "Aquaman" but probably will eventually but I'm just not very motivated to see it. I like Jason Mamoa as Aquaman/Arthur Curry, but...I don't know. The trailers didn't really grab my attention.

The 2017 Joss Whedon version of "Justice League" was terrible -- worse than "Batman v Superman," worse than "Wonder Woman 1984." I thought the movie moved too quickly, lacked proper character development, and had some bad CGI (I mean, Mustache Gate, am I right?)

Onto the Synder Cut for "Justice League!" Spoilers ahead, of course:

These are really a collection of thoughts, opinions, and observations I had while watching the movie. I have only seen the 2017 film once and honestly don't want to watch it ever again, not even to "refresh my memory" of some details.

Steppenwolf

Steppenwolf was such a pitiful villain in the Whedon Cut. The CGI for him was terrible, and he looked like some weird dude in armor. His personality and motives were paper thin as well. He was a throw-away, token villain, and the only things memorable about him was his name and voice.

In the Snyder Cut, not only was Steppenwolf's CGI much more refined, his character design was imposing. His armor seemed to be alive, too, always shifting slightly, this way and that, which was an impressive sight. His motives, while nothing too deep or extraordinary, gave him a little more depth: he pissed off Darkseid and had to make up for it, and was clearly afraid of what could happen to him if he failed.

The name and voice obviously were still memorable but combined with the other improvements to his character, they were icing on the cake.

That being said, I don't think Steppenwolf is as intriguing or even remotely sympathetic as Loki and Thanos in the MCU.

Darkseid

Was Darkseid even mentioned in the Whedon cut? I can't remember and I don't want to watch that shitty movie again just to find out. However, I don't recall Darkseid making an appearance or even being spoken of in the 2017 version. Now, I haven't read DC (or Marvel) comics, so I don't know a lot about the guy, but he is supposedly one of the more iconic villains.

His motives are pretty simple, though: command and conquer. There isn't a lot of depth so far in the movies but he does pose a much larger threat than Steppenwolf did. You could tell Steppenwolf was intimidated by Darkseid, who was about as cold and menacing as they come. He's a complete villain in that regard, having no emotions and only seeking power for himself.

He looked great in the Snyder Cut. He was actually really fucking scary-looking. He made the beefcake Steppenwolf look like a puppy.

I'm glad that Darkseid made an appearance, even if he didn't fight the Justice League. It alludes to a much broader story, as well as foreshadows an epic boss fight down the line -- assuming the Snyder Cut is popular enough to convince the studios to make a direct sequel and not just abandon things in favor of some sort of soft reboot.

Superman/Clark Kent/Henry Cavill/Mustache Gate

Let's get this out of the way: Henry Cavill is hot af.

Ok, now that we got that out of the way, hooray for Snyder for getting rid of those nasty reshoot scenes involving Henry's CGI'd mouth! Can't say I missed them, you know? I mean, in the 2017 Whedon Cut, you could always spot reshoot scenes based on whether or not Henry's mouth looked normal and totally strange.

I think the 2017 movie had Superman grab Batman by the neck and ask, "Tell me: Do you bleed?" I'm relieved that was removed from the Synder Cut because it added too much of an evil tone to Superman, and we could clearly tell he was most upset with Batman upon being revived.

One massive problem with the 2017 movie was that it made every member of the Justice League look like bumbling idiots without Superman's help. It was downright embarrassing and unrealistic. I mean, you're telling me that Wonder Woman, a goddess, can't take on Steppenwolf? Or Victor Stone, a cyborg with incredible abilities? Making Superman key to winning isn't the problem, it's how it was done in the 2017 movie. He's already OP but that shouldn't mean his comrades have to be useless in comparison.

Superman was allowed to be OP in the Snyder Cut without making his team look incompetent. Like in the Avengers movies, everyone in the Justice League had a purpose and all of them worked together to defeat Steppenwolf. Superman obviously was key to winning, but, again, it wasn't like he was the only capable one during the battle.

I did like the black suit. It's kind of ominous but also very cool at the same time. But is it also foreshadowing something? I don't know...I haven't read the comics so I really don't have any idea lol.

Batman/Bruce Wayne/Batfleck

One glaring issue I still have is Ben Affleck is a mediocre actor at best and he's a terrible Bruce Wayne/Batman. I mean, they couldn't have found anyone else? Someone with, like, good acting abilities?

Martian Manhunter

This whole time -- THIS WHOLE GOTDAMM TIME -- Martian Manhunter was hiding in plain sight! General Swanwick, who I remember from "Man of Steel," IS Martian Manhunter. I didn't see that coming. I mean, I knew Martian Manhunter would appear in the Snyder Cut but I didn't know he'd have an alternate identity, let alone that of an existing character in the DCEU.

As much as I did like seeing him, I am glad he didn't play a big part because the movie already has plenty of characters as is, and introducing yet another one could have slowed things down and taken away from developing the plot.

The Runtime/Pacing

I mentioned already that the Whedon Cut felt rushed and needed much more time to develop its characters and plot. While I had doubts about whether or not making "Justice League" four hours long would be a good idea, it turns out that it was just what the story needed.

Character development was actually existent, and Cyborg/Victor Stone received a detailed backstory, and Flash/Barry Allen got some extra tidbits added to his character's story/background as well.

I actually thought Victor was a fascinating (if a bit tragic) character in the Whedon cut and was disappointed that he just sort of, like, popped up and fought alongside the other Justice League members with the tiniest amount of depth.

Despite an epic 4-hour runtime, it didn't feel slow, nor did it feel like any scenes were "filler." Every scene had a purpose and kept the story moving at a steady, comprehensible pace. It felt more like a 2.5-3 hour movie, honestly, which is a feat since pacing can often be one of a film's biggest issues ("Avengers: Endgame" also accomplished this feat with its 3-hour runtime feeling more like 2-2.5 hours but with no negative side effects of that). Breaking the movie into chapters, including an epilogue was a tad strange because it's not a very common thing, but I think it helped break up the epic 4 hours into separate, manageable but still cohesive pieces. Also, they helped easily transition from one portion to the next smoothly without any awkward cuts.

The Flash/Barry Allen/Ezra Miller

Barry still amused me in the Whedon Cut. He brought some good-natured humor and charm to the movie, preventing it from being too brooding and intense.

I think Ezra is a talented actor and does well in the Barry Allen role but he is, unfortunately, a problematic person. I mean, if he gets recast, he gets recast but hopefully, they pick someone else who has some acting abilities worth noting (i.e. Not a Ben Affleck type of actor)

The Final Battle

It was a huge improvement over the 2017 cut, as everyone was key to winning the final battle, not just Superman. It is meant to be a team of costumed heroes defeating a villain, not just one OP member of the team outdoing everyone else.

That being said, I felt that the final battle was a little bit anti-climatic. I don't know what it was but I just thought that it would be longer? I expected more to happen? More fighting? Not sure how to describe it, but I do feel like it wasn't as impressive as it could have been.

The Epilogue

A dystopian future involving an evil Superman and Joker somehow working WITH Batman was just...crazy. I mean, evil Superman, I can believe, but Joker and Batman working together (even reluctantly) is quite a sight.

Based on what I've been reading, this nightmare Bruce has could be setting up not one but two sequels for "Justice League." I would like to see how things will play out even if things get kind of dark. I'm getting the impression that Darkseid will kill Lois Lane, thus breaking Superman emotionally and making him compliant. That is unless Bruce intervenes in this timeline and prevents that from happening...but at the expense of his own life. Oh dear...

I definitely enjoyed the Zack Snyder version of "Justice League," and would definitely watch it again and again and again. I already have forgotten the majority of the Whedon Cut, and after seeing Synder's version, I think the 2017 movie will be rendered null and void. I hope it is just expelled from the DCEU canon entirely. That, and we get the "Justice League" sequels, preferably from Zack Snyder (Say what you want but I think he is a pretty good director for the most part and seems to really care about this work).

I honestly want to see a fight between the Justice League and Darkseid because I think that's what we're trying to build up to, and seeing as how Darkseid is one of the legendary villains in the DC comics, I would be extremely disappointed if this doesn't come to pass.

Also, as much as I like Batman/Bruce Wayne, seeing him sacrifice himself to save the team, including Lois and thus Superman's sanity, would be something else. It would bring everyone even closer together, for one, and I think that the negativity shared between Batman and Superman in the past would be completely forgiven. I'm not saying there isn't forgiveness now, but dying to save Superman's wife would change everything....if that makes sense? Does it make sense? I'm terrible at explaining my thoughts sometimes.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Spider-Man: Life Story #4 Thoughts Part 1: Doc Ock Disservice

In retrospect issue #1 of this series was a mixed bag, issue #2 was bad, issue #3 was hot trash and now issue #4 is...

 Well...it depends.

See I usually try my best to write these basically as soon as I’ve read an issue. However a trip to my LCS and back is at least a 2 hour round trip and I had to head into work practically immediately after getting back. Consequently I’m writing this several hours later than I would have liked.

My initial gut feeling during and immediately after reading the issue was that this was a mixed bag. But ruminating on it more it’s gone down yet further in my eyes.

Maybe I’m not diving deep enough into it but my gut feelings on this (which is what these posts are, they’re not reviews where I try to be more actively analytical rather than ‘free style’ it) it’s...not AS bad as prior issues; issue #3 being the absolute nadir thus far.

Perhaps that is due to now knowing how messed up this series is I knew what I was getting into and what to expect thus I was less aghast by what I saw. Perhaps it was the fact that this issue, unlike issue #3, didn’t slap my intelligence in the face with asinine historical politics and the most aggressively stupid attempt to homage my fav Spidey tale, KLH.

However some of my...I don’t know the right term...my feeling less disdainfulness, towards this issue might stem from Peter’s age.

See when you do the math canon Peter Parker’s lifespan can be viewed as encompassing the amount of time covered in issues #1-3, that is to say ages 15-mid 30s. Thus there was a certain degree of precedence involved, a certain roadmap for us to compare LF Peter to.

But in this issue Peter is around 48 years old. This is well beyond the age of canon Peter Parker and only AU versions of the character have ever approached that age and being AUs they aren’t great sources for comparison. The closest thing we have is MC2 Peter Parker who was in his early 40s and different in his attitude and outlook to LF Peter. However that could be due to being younger, having his family and being retired for 10+ years thus making him more positive towards the prospect of being Spider-Man.

LF Peter is fed up, tired and wants to stop being Spider-Man. Any of the old enjoyment he ever derived from it is long gone. As is apparently his desire to remain ‘relevent’. Guess he got over that early mid-life crisis he went through in issue #3. You know that mid-life crisis that led to him using an alien performance enhancer that was allegedly addictive.

Actually more than a few of this issue’s problems can be owed to older issues, and specifically issue #3.

First of all...so America is still around. Um...yeah wasn’t there a war with Russia happening last issue? Wasn’t there a nuclear arms race that was hotter than the Cold War ever was in real life?

I suppose given how utterly unrealistic it was that Russia nuked an American town and then nuclear Armageddon didn’t ensue in issue #3, this issue is consistent in it’s boneheaded lack of realism.

And it does offer an explanation. Tony Stark’s weapons ended the war.

...Okay...we need to talk about this again and this time I’m going to spell it out.

So there has been no end of speculative fiction presenting stories revolving around a world where historical events happened differently.

A common example, embodied by the acclaimed show Man in the High Castle, is ‘What if the Axis powers won WWII’.

Life Story has at various turns presented real life historical events but injected superheroes in them whilst also showing them playing out differently.

Iron Man, Giant Man and Captain America went to Vietnam.

Captain America went rogue in Vietnam.

The Vietnam War lasted longer than in real life history.

Russia launched nukes at the USA and destroyed a town resulting in a super hero invasion on Russia and open warfare.

Said war was won by America apparently thanks to Tony Stark’s weapons.

Do you know the difference between Life Story and Man in the High Castle, or indeed most speculative fiction?

It actually explains what happened!

In Man in the High Castle we learn various pieces of the alternate history, among them being that the Axis powers developed atomic weapons before the Allies and nuked Washington DC, eventually winning the war and dividing America between the Third Riech and the Empire of Japan.

In Life Story we find out the Vietnam War lasted longer. Somehow.

In Life Story we find out Tony Stark’s weapons won the war with Russia. Somehow.

WHAT HAPPENED!

At best this is a pointless tease, it’s like sidestory world building. What’s the point of bringing the fact that this world’s history is drastically different but not bothering to elaborate on it at all.

Tony’s weapons won the war. What weapons? How did they win? Give us some details for God’s sake.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the story isn’t about the Russian war or the alternate international politics, it’s about Spider-Man. But then...why the fuck is it in the story?

Shit dude, redraft Life Story a little bit and you could more or less exorcise ALL the stuff about international political conflicts and lose nothing. In the case of Kraven’s motivations last issue it’d be an improvement!

Look maybe I’ve got a bug up my butt about this more than most people because I studied history at university, but even putting that aside...it just feels superfluous to this story.

What gets me is that it’s veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery good money the only reason this shit is in the story is to evoke Watchmen (which ‘coincidenally’ is being revisted in Doomsday Clock by DC right now) which was also an example of speculative historical fiction involving superheroes. Which also explained what happened!

Superheroes existed. So they intervened in Vietnam. And they won because of their overwhelming power.

In Life Story we don’t even know who won the Vietnam War or even if it’s over yet!

Moving on a little, so Tony Stark and Peter are at logger heads. Now I dislike Spider-Man’s involvement with Iron Man in recent years but I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand seeing Iron Man not be Peter’s mentor is lovely, but I wonder if Zdarsky was banking on audience familiarity with that dynamic from the films to create a shock moment by portraying a relationship between both men so at odds with what you see in Homecoming.

That wasn’t my first thought though. My first thought was Zdarsky is trading off of the Peter/Tony relationship from JMS’ run...which had nothing to do with the 1990s at all; we’ll talk more about that in a minute.

Finally, not content to write Peter out of character, Zdarsky apparently wanted to write Tony out of character too.

I am no Iron Man expert but by the 1990s...hadn’t he kinda sorta stopped making weapons!

I could forgive it in the older issues because Tony apparently didn’t get out of the arms business in the comics immediately like in the films, so it wasn’t inaccurate to the time periods. But I’m 90% sure he had stopped making weapons by the 1990s. Tell me if I’m wrong please, but if I am not....holy shit what is Zdarsky doing? How does aging in real time = Iron Man would still be a war profiteer?

Let’s leave Stark and the real life history alone and get into the real meat of this story.

Okay so we have Ben Reil-

Wait what?

*re-reads Life Story #4*

...there is something off with this...

*checks Life Story #2*

...um...Life Story #2 clearly states that Peter and Gwen’s clones took on the names Helen and Ben PARKER not REILLY!

Now Reilly makes a lot more sense from both a practical point of view (a guy who looks like Peter Parker with his last name raises questions) and from a referencing canon POV.

But what the fuck is up with the inconsistency?

Who was asleep at the wheel for that one! Oh...but it won’t be the only inconsistency by the way.

So Ben Reilly (who looks more like Ben Urich) is a photogra-

Wait, wait, wait. What again?

Ben Reilly is a...photographer?

...WHY??????????????????????

Look...Peter does have a certain passion for photojournalism, but he prefers science.

Ben Reilly in canon never even considered photography as a job to my recollection. He worked as a lab assistant, a barrista, a bouncer/body guard, a teacher but never a photographer even though that would’ve been an obvious profession to consider.

When Peter began working that job it was a way for him to earn the money he desperately needed to provide for himself and Aunt May whilst also not having his time eaten up with a 9-5.

Sure Ben is also a superhero (the Red Mask...I hope he didn’t dream that up himself...in the middle of a Cold War...) in this universe, but what is motivating him to do that? He’s got science smarts, he has legal documentation from issue #2 allowing him to hold jobs. Why would he not go into a field he both prefers and one that you’d think in a world where there was a war raging with intangible nukes would be of greater use?

I can think of some No. Prize explanations...but that’s the problem.

I  have to think of those explanations. The story, like so much else in this shitty series, doesn’t elaborate.

This goes beyond the characters being different for the sake of being different from canon.

Ben Reilly is doing something that demands an explanation within the context of this series’ unique continuity as established. It’s not even a matter of established characterization based on canon, it’s a matter of established characterization based upon the last 3 goddam issues.

This lack of thought equally applies to our main villain of the issue, Doctor Octopus.

So in issue #2/1977 Doc Ock had reformed because of a heart attack and all that good tender luvin care he got from a woman at least 20 years his senior; Zdarsky does know most people enjoy the May/Otto relationship ironically right, nobody actually thinks it makes sense or was a good idea, but no here it’s the crux of his whole character.

In issue #3/1984 he was...clearly a villain again because he’s obviously attacking Spider-Man in the double page spread depicting Secret Wars.

In issue #4/1995 we learn that Otto was at May’s funeral and this was the last time Peter saw him. Also according to Peter May left Otto long before she died and that was when he just disappeared, Peter presuming he retired in Florida.

So going by issue #4 alone we have something of a contradiction. If Otto disappeared long before May’s death...how could the last time Peter have seen him been at her funeral.

Maybe that’s just phrased a little badly and I’m nitpicking. Fair enough.

What isn’t fair enough though is either Zdarsky isn’t paying attention to his own writing, Bagley and he are not communicating properly or the editor is severely dropping the ball.

May and Otto were clearly NOT together in issue #3 when Otto was also clearly a villain and Peter clearly was aware of this because Otto was attacking him.

Which means Otto must’ve disappeared before then which means Peter would’ve known he hadn’t retired, he’d returned to villainy.

Now a point of praise, Otto blaming Peter for May leaving him, I think that rings true to Otto’s character, let alone an old aging Otto. This is the guy who often saw what he wanted to see, who infamously once wanted to nuke NYC to prove how he wasn’t to be taken lightly even though it’d also kill him too.

Too bad that point of praise is drowned out by his plan in this story which is all wrapped up in the clones.

Okay, okay, Doc Ock had a important role to play in the 1990s Clone Saga so what’s the problem?

The problem is that...I heavily suspect this isn’t riffing on the 1990s Clone Saga.

I think it’s much more likely that it’s riffing on the Ultimate Clone Saga in which Doc Ock was the mastermind behind the clones; coincidentally Bagley drew all three of the Ock Clone Saga tales which is a nice piece of historical symmetry.

Why...is....Zdarsky....riffing....on....a...Ultimate....Universe....story....?????????????????...from the 2000s!!!!!!!!

And in case the jury doesn’t accept that criticism here is another one. Otto feels he’s dying without accomplishing anything.

Um...wasn’t he working with Reed Richards in issue #2?

Otto working legitimately with a big brain like Reed surely would’ve in like 10 years accomplished SOMETHING! He invented so much crazy tech he really didn’t patent any of it, release it to the public?

Couldn’t his arms alone do wonders for disabled people?

I know this is comics so you should suspend disbelief because if you don’t you have to ask why fossil fuels even still exist.

But that’s the problem with this series.

It wants to have it’s cake and eat it.

It wants to show superheroes having a world changing impact on the world as they realistically would...but not go all the way with it.

It wants to have superheroes go to Vietnam and Russia have and use super powered people and intangible nukes but it also wants to ignore the obvious ramifications when it’s inconvenient.

This gets even stupider when you contextualize it within wider Spider-Man media. In the recent, heavily publicized Spidey PS4 video game (that Marvel is adapting as a comic book right now) Doc Ock creates his arms specifically to help disabled people and uses them because he himself is losing control of his motor functions. And in Ultimate Spider-Man cartoon (for 5 year olds) Doc Ock is disabled from the outset and entirely relies on his arms to move around.

So why the fuck did Otto at no point consider using that tech to help the disabled and thereby accomplish something in his life. It’s an obvious idea Reed, Peter or even May must’ve suggested. It probably could’ve helped someone as frail and infirm as May specifically.

We’re also told May left Otto due to his anger. Great use of telling not showing there Zdarsky. Remember how angry Otto seemed in his one other speaking appearance before now?

[dearericbittle]

Fit hot guys have problems too (don’t objectify us with your male and female gaze)

(Also on AO3)

To Cora, 1:24 AM: im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??

After rejecting indecent proposal #17 of the night, he is ready to drown his frustrations in a bottle of tequila. Even though he doesn’t exactly have the best relationship with tequila after that one time in New York.

Complaining to his baby sister about how all the men at Jungle just wanted to fuck was a real low point. But it isn’t like he has any actual friends that he could commiserate with - because that is the actual rock bottom reality of his life.

He’s only just returned to California after years of living on the East Coast, and his resting bitch face (complete with Murder Brows) and complete inability to talk to people has made it impossible to make friends. That and he doesn’t like most people - and people seem to be determined to prove him right on that account.

“Fuck, you’re hot,” another random stranger makes an approach.

“No,” he growls, making the guy take a couple steps back.

Derek doesn’t even bother looking at the guy, because if that was his opening line… He is just going to be another superficial asshole who doesn’t care about anything but Derek’s looks. And Derek has at least some standards, even when he is on his way to getting a good buzz going. (Which he will be, soon, hopefully. He’s too sober for this shit.)

He is just about to get the bartender’s attention, because he really needs a damn drink after #18, when he is rudely interrupted yet again.

“That’s cold, dude,” another voice sounds, this time from his left. “You didn’t even look at that one. Efficient, though.”

Rolling his eyes at the nickname, Derek turns to see the guy who’s deigned to comment on his rejection protocol. And he stops in his tracks, because well…

The guy is a mess. There’s glow in the dark lipstick prints on his face (several of them matching the drag queens up on stage), a rip in his t-shirt that’s close to exposing a nipple, and his eyes are alert even though the bags under his eyes speak of serious sleep deprivation.

He’s the most interesting person Derek’s met in ages.

“Don’t call me dude.”

And he’s fucked it up in about five seconds, as is his wont.

“This is going to sound like a line, so bear with me,” the guy grins, briefly drawing Derek’s attention to his mouth. “But you have to give me your name for me to stop calling you dude.”

Mr. Interesting is right - it does sound like a line. So Derek just gives him an unimpressed look before trying to get the bartender’s attention.

“Fine, I’ll go first,” the stranger takes another sip of his ridiculous cocktail, practically molesting the straw. “I’m Stiles.”

What the hell is a Stiles? That is a terrible name, but he’s probably heard worse in New York, because Brooklyn is hipster central these days.

He nods. “Derek.”

Mentally starting a timer for how long it takes Stiles to start commenting about how he’ll be screaming that name later, he stares down at his water bottle. Fuck, he still hates tequila - does he really want do that to himself?

Maybe he should ask the bartender for something else, when he finally gets the guy’s attention.

“Good, now I won’t have to call you dude, dude,” Stiles smirks, and it’s infuriating.

Derek rolls his eyes, determined not to enjoy that terrible joke. He knows that this is probably the end of it, and Stiles will either hit on him or stop talking to him - this is just about getting the unattainable guy. It’s a tactic, something from the playbook.

Cynical? Yes, he is.

“Wars or Trek?” Stiles turns fully towards him.

And he’s still being pornographic with that drink - Derek’s trying not to look at it too much, because even though it’s a cheap ploy, he’s only human and Stiles’ mouth is just sinful.

“What?”

It takes a while for his brain to process that inane question - and no, that has nothing to do with the single beer he had about two hours ago.

“Star Wars or Star Trek?” Stiles acts like this is a normal question.

Abandoning his quest to get the bartender to service this corner of the bar, he decides that he might as well continue talking to Stiles. They can chat for a bit, and then Stiles can get his awkward come-on out and Derek can reject him and he can go the fuck home and jerk off to porn. Because that is more satisfying than any of the men who propositioned him.

“That’s what you’re going to ask me?” He scoffs.

“Yes,” Stiles’ hands are in motion now. “I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in about a week, and since Danny has bailed on me to grope his boyfriend and the queens are still hard at work, this is the most stimulating conversation I’m going to get. Or would you rather talk about DC versus Marvel?”

That explains why he looks like he’s about to crash. If Derek cared, he’d ask why Stiles hasn’t been sleeping. But Cora’s called him an asshole since she was old enough to know that she shouldn’t use that word, and she is not wrong.

“C’mon, Derek,” Stiles goads him. “Or if you’d rather reject some more brave souls, I can just move away and leave you to it.”

He snorts, because brave souls? Really? Drunk idiots is his preferred synonym.

“Fuck no,” is what he ends up saying.

“Poor baby is tired of being the object of everyone’s affection,” Stiles is clearly an asshole, and Derek should not be charmed by it.

So he snipes back. “Jealous?”

“I don’t know about your life,” Stiles just goes in. “Sure, you’re hot like burning, but you’re an asshole who’s too embarrassed to talk geek with me. I’m expecting you to keep up - you look like the guy who owns both a leather jacket and a thumbhole sweater. You have layers.”

What the fuck would that kind of guy even look like? Like Derek, apparently, because Stiles is fucking right about this and it pisses him off. He doesn’t get to wear his leather jacket much, because California’s weather is a lot hotter than he’s used to, and he’s already looking forward to the upcoming winter. Even if he only wears his favorite sweater in the comfort of his own apartment.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” And he’s smug about it too.

“I’m like an onion,” Derek is annoyed enough to stick with the conversation.

Sarcasm drips off his every word - he’s expecting Stiles to have at least enough intelligence to grasp that.

And he’s proven right when Stiles laughs.

“So much more than just a pretty face,” he nods emphatically, almost like he’s his own bobblehead. “I respect that.”

This guy is completely ridiculous, so why is Derek still here, staring at his hands and long fingers and contemplating what they’d feel like on his skin? He’s pretty damn close to kinkshaming himself at this point. Because really, this is what does it for him?

Because yes, Stiles is attractive, tall and slim with eyes that make him think of honey, a mouth that never stops moving - just like his hands. Still, he’s dressed like he just lost a fight with someone or something, and he isn’t doing what Derek expected he’d do.

And that’s the thing, right there. Stiles is a fucking breath of fresh air after eighteen guys pulling exactly the same trick.

“You’re an asshole,” he tells Stiles, unable to hide how delighted he is by it.

“Ditto,” Stiles shoots back, also grinning.

He’s jostled a bit by the people trying to get closer to the bar, but no one uses the opportunity to get all up in his business - which is a new experience. Because he’s been so caught up in Stiles, no guy has dared to come over with yet another awkward come-on. That’s a bonus.

“Fuck, I’m so tired,” Stiles lets his head drop onto the bar.

Derek hopes it sticks, because the bar is covered in sticky drink residue and other fluids he does not want to examine too closely. At the same time, he just wants to carry Stiles off somewhere to make sure he gets some fucking sleep.

Which… He doesn’t do nurturing well. It just doesn’t come naturally to him.

“Why are you still here?”

“Only so we can have these moments,” Stiles’ wit doesn’t suffer, somehow. “Because Danny’s my ride and he’s not done riding Ethan yet.”

Stiles motions in the direction of the dancefloor, and Derek pointedly does not look at what he’s pointing at. Because the vultures will descend the second he makes eye contact with someone.

“I’m taking you home,” Derek’s mouth is moving before his brain catches up.

“Oh, Derek,” Stiles bats his eyelashes at him like he’s a Southern Belle. “I thought you’d never ask. But seriously, as much as I’d love to get all up in that, I’m way too exhausted to do you justice. Raincheck?”

Cora is going to die laughing when she finds out about this - and she will. She always does.

“I’ll take it,” Derek finds himself saying. “But I’m still dragging your exhausted ass out of here. You’re drooling on the bar.”

Of course Stiles almost trips as he pulls himself back into a normal standing position, and of course Derek isn’t stupidly charmed by this idiot. Only he is.

“So you have been looking at my ass?” Stiles’ smile is sleepy and fond now.

“Just as much as you’ve been looking at mine,” he shoots back, motioning for Stiles to follow him.

Stiles laughs, almost elbows Derek in the gut and proceeds to take the lead.

Never a dull moment.

[takaraphoenix]

Two things. One, where did you watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend? Two, Miraculous Ladybug?

Oooh. Oh, I have a very odd relationship to that one.

I definitely like it but I wanna strangle the people who were responsible for airing it? Like? The order doesn’t even make sense? And I had to consult three independent fanpages and their suggestions at viewing order to find one that suited me personally the best? And I hate that.

In today’s time and age, shows already have a hard enough time surviving. Why would you sabotage yourself by airing them in an order that doesn’t fit the timeline? It’s good that it were only minor things that messed it up, but if they had major plotline events out of synch, this could really hurt the show and I hope that they can get their act straight.

I was really very skeptical at first about this. I mean, a French-Korean cartoon? Whut? That is such an odd combination and I’ve never seen a cartoon from either country - well, French yeah, Asterix, of course.

But there was a cute guy in a literal cat-suit? So I had to at least try it.

Let me start this off with the love-square. (This show is a mess, really. Like, “Oh, love-triangles are sooo last year. Let’s mess it up even more!”)

Adrien is Chat Noir. Marinette is Ladybug. Neither knows the other’s identity.

Adrien loves Ladybug in a ridiculously adorable blushy fanboy way.(Approve. Adore. Ridiculously cute)

Chat Noir flirts with Ladybug in what would really earn him a sexual harrassment complaint if they were co-workers at literally any other job aside from superheroing. (Do not approve, because it’s highly unprofessional and no means no, Chat, get your act together, kitten)

Adrien sees Marinette as a non-sexual, non-threatening creature and a friend. (Understandable)

Marinette is... absolutely useless when she’s around Adrien because she’s hopelessly in love with him. (Nope. That girl behaves in exactly the way I hate girls acting when in love)

Ladybug ain’t having any of Chat’s silly flirting and is being professional and putting her foot down because they have better things to do. (Approve)

It’s a mess. A real mess. And when I started watching the show, I was really very annoyed by the love-story and wanted to stop watching because it was mainly Marinette making a fool of herself - I hate when girls are portrayed as those brainless morons who stutter and blush and can’t even when around the boy they like.

But then we got to see more of the love-square and I found the dynamics interesting and really adored Adrien.

And ths is why this show is a mess and why my relationship to it is so complicated. There are two characters, but four ship-possibilities between them and one of them is a NOTP while another is an OTP and something feels enherently wrong about that being A Thing That Exists.

So, my hopes for this show is that once the identities are revealed, they’ll even out into normal behavior on both sides - that is to say, Chat tunes down the aggressive flirting and Marinette tunes down the dumbness.

Though I have to admit, a huge part of why Marinette/Adrien is the angle of the square that bugs me the most lies in the flashback episode where we learn how she fell in love with him.

Until that point, I had assumed that she had been a fangirl way before they started attending school together. But to reveal in that flashback that when she first met him, they were behaving like normal human beings around each other and that she was Not Impressed by the pretty boy and had no idea that he was even a model - which, if that had stayed the angle and she had fallen in love with him in a normal way, I would have liked. But no. Instead out of some bogus little interaction, she suddenly falls head over heels in love with him and turns into a stalker.

I mean. Seriously. If he had been a celebrity she had been fawning over before meeting him, that would be a different story. But if you start putting posters up of your classmate and collecting photos of them, that is stalker-behavior. If you know that person personally, that kind of action gets insanely creepy.

Which brings me to another point where I’m confused about what this show does to me. I love Ladybug, but I really dislike all of Marinette. And, lemme repeat this just one more time, they’re the same person.

Ladybug is confident, brave, strong, even when faced with Adrien she behaves like the hero she is. She has that sense of duty that she puts even before that.

Marinette is... hopeless. She can’t even function like a normal human being around Adrien, she does ridiculous and very pathetic stuff due to her feelings for him. She’s so desperate but if she’d just act normal around him, she could already be so close to him. She also occasionally does things that I don’t approve of morally just for the sake of Adrien and wanting him.

It makes me feel weird to like half the main character? And I am really hoping that once she realizes the obnoxious kitten flirting with her is actually Adrien, she’ll callm the fuck down and start behaving normal.

Moving on from the love-square and the main character.

I like the side-characters. They’Re all ridiculously individual and the fact that the first season takes it slow enough to properly introduce all of them and give them all not just small roles but actual roles to shine and show what they’re worth and what they stand for is amazing in a world where TV is currently dominated by shows that are far too fast-paced and uses secondary characters more as props than real, fleshed out characters.

I particularly like Alya. She’s that sassy friend that just can’t be missed. I think that Marinette should have trusted her earlier to tell her about being Ladybug, because she’d have been an amazing sidekick and supporter and I feel like... this very long on-going lie between them should cause quite a rift once it’s revealed. I’m very upset about the spoiler for the coming season because it’s definitely not the direction where I wanted Alya to be taken. (If you know the spoiler, you know what I’m talking about. I don’t wanna spoiler those who managed to avoid it so far. Kudos to you)

I also like Chloé, not in the sense that she’s a good person, but she’s a good character. That bitchy antagonist at school who’s after the lead’s crush is... a very overused cliche, yes, but it’s that for a reason. Because it works in high school shows and movies. I’m curious to see where they take her character, because the best part about the antagonistic bitch is always her redemption arc where she ends up becoming the lead’s friend.

I really love the anime-feel of this show. It sets up those heroes in a way American heroes - DC and Marvel - would be set up, but it brings in all those anime-elements and I love magical girl animes to death and back. The adorable talking sidekick animals in Plagg and Tikki are so Artemis and Luna and I adore them. We got the costume change - but thankfully not as slow as in anime. The powers and color-coded different types of heroes.

And the fact that there are more. Honestly, what I particularly love about this cartoon is the big pay-off two-parter at the end of season 1 when we actually learn some about how and what is even going on here.

That there is the potential for a six-characters strong hero team is the most exciting for me. What I love about superheroes is not one hero heroing around on his own. I love the team-dynamics.

I mean, I definitely don’t want this to turn full Sailor Moon where there’s only good girls and then there’s Tuxedo Mask. Adrien can’t stay the only boy. My personal hope had been for a male fox, because Adrien is a bit of a mischievous trickster and to have a buddy who’d also fit that description would be great (yeah, I wanted to ship them, leave me alone, I’m addicted I know I have a problem).

Taking the bee out too, the only ones remaining would be the turtle and the peacock. The peacock being in Adrien’s house, I’ll get into that later on, doesn’t mean it will never be used. And the turtle belonging to the master, well, the guy’s old and I could see him die just as he reveals something potentially very important - because it’d up the stakes if the newly introduced potential mentor dies. So yeah, that could be passed on too.

Not that we’re limited to the seven Miraculouses in Master Fu’s box, of course.

After all, when he introduces the Miraculouses to us, we see this compiliation that includes Heracles with the lion fur and that stag dude. So there’s two animals already that aren’t covered in this box. Implying there are more boxes with more Miraculouses out there, so potentially we could very well encounter an entire team of male-only heroes, a mixed team, a total cliche magical girl team. I love that they opened the world in such a subtle way, like “For now, let’s focus on what we have, but seven are quite a limit so let’s keep the option for if this show takes off well to include more potential heroes”. It’s clever. I like clever in my cartoons.

Now, circling back to the peacock in Adrien’s house.

My personal headcanon slash theory about this is that Adrien’s mom used to be the peacock and his dad is the hawk moth. They used to be a hero duo just like Ladybug and Chat Noir. But then she died. And he became... corrupted. Angry, desperate, something in between.

Maybe he just wants to watch the world and the heroes using the Miraculouses burn to pay for it.

Maybe... there’s a special kind of magic linked to possessing all Miraculouses. Maybe Hawk Moth is trying to steal Ladybug’s and Chat’s Miraculouses because he thinks that if he has them all, he can use their magic to bring back his wife. And that one would be my personal theory.

So yeah, at first glance this looked like a very simple hero show, but I love the detail that went into it and the world-building and I am definitely very excited about what the coming seasons will hold.

Though it is a little ironic that I came for the cute catboy in hopes of finding a hot guy to ship him with because gays are what I watch and read and write for, but ended up actually liking the straight main pairing.

[themiddlelayer]

I’m an idiot...

And an oxytocin junkie. And it’s killing me. Seriously. 

I’ve been in my apartment for a full week now and I’m as moved in as I’m getting for now. There are still a few little stupid things I need like a step ladder and the nails to hang my Frida print but otherwise, things are functioning and I’m comfortable. That’s the easy part. 

The hard part? The loneliness. I’ve never lived alone... I had my Kiddo and/or a husband/boyfriend/roommates since I left home at 16. When I lived at home, I was alone all the time... I didn’t have any real connection to my family of origin so I spent most all of my time beginning around age 10 alone in my room. I felt like an outsider in my own home, so I made my bedroom my sanctuary. It was always clean, vaccummed, dusted and in order. The rest of the house was always dirty and as chaotic as a household of 3 (me, my father and my younger brother) could be. 

I know that’s the root of my need to be in a relationship. I grew up alone and never felt like I was part of my family so I’ve spent my entire life trying to build one of my own... and failing over and over. Knowing that doesn’t change how hard it is to be single and how scary this feels. Knowing I’m capable, strong, financially stable enough.. none of that stops me from waking up in the morning and crying... feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin just to not be here. 

The dark twisty thoughts have started to creep in and I’m doing everything I can to fight it off and keep myself safe. I’m safe right now. And I know what I need to do... but it’s exhausting to constantly push away those thoughts and keep going. Keep showing up for “work” and answering messages from people... people who genuinely love me and want to see me happy and healthy. 

I’m in that place where I’m afraid of exhausting Cookie with my stuff because she’s the only person I’m really comfortable with seeing me like this in real life. She’s got an old flame, Shakespeare (SS), who re-emerged, freshly divorced and giving her all the feels again. She’s so happy that I hate bringing my heavy to her. 

The funny thing is that she came over on Friday to talk about SS because he missed a planned phone call and she was in the same place I was with LEO... feeling like an idiot for getting all twitterpated over someone who can’t even reply to a good morning message for over 24 hours. She took my advice and messaged him basically asking if she should be miffed about being stood up (they had planned a phone call that he missed) or if she should be worried. He replied right away, saying all the right things. He’s worried about messing things up and worried that he won’t be able to ‘walk the talk’ when it comes down to it because of where he’s at in life right now. Honest. Transparent. Awesome. I’m so happy for her!

But me? I’m an idiot... LEO and I finally had a longer-ish video chat Friday night but I’d had an edible, fallen asleep on the couch then got a message from him as I crawled into bed. Admittedly, I was still a little high when we chatted. And he finally got to see my boobs.. LOL! 

I don’t doubt him for a second when he tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me. But that doesn’t change the lack of conversation and the way our schedules just aren’t lining up. And none of that seems to stop me from melting into a puddle of goo when he calls me ‘Babygirl.’ Fucking ridiculous. 

If I’ve learned anything over the course of my failed relationships it’s that it takes more than love to make a relationship work. It takes work. It takes common interests and shared ideas about how the everyday things should go... little things that seem trivial, really aren’t. What smells a person loves or hates... where they want the thermostat set... if there is a ‘right way’ to load a dishwasher... little seemingly trivial things that I gave up on really add up and can snowball into a life where I’m small and powerless. I can’t do that again, and I know that. 

And then there’s that part of me that’s just flat out tired. Exhausted from a lifetime of survival mode and of all the chaos and deep emotions that came from polyamory... burned out, just like my grandmother used to talk about. Shortly before she passed away she said that she saw me burning so brightly that she was always afraid I’d burn out too fast. That’s what this feels like sometimes. 

That part of me wants to just go home to California and be a cop’s wife. No need for the politics and deep conversations. No need for the effort. No need for anything other than just doing daily life and breakfast burritos. I could go back to being the house where the kids come afterschool.. LEO has a 10 year old daughter and a few grown kids... I could help another little woman into the world but maybe she would actually want me in her life, unlike my Kiddo who hasn’t spoken to me in years. Ouch.

Further complicating my emotional state is my renewed connection with McT back in MD. We’ve had several chats, a phone call that lasted over an hour then last night we video chatted for almost 90 minutes. I showed him my apartment and then he walked me through his house, pointing out and telling stories behind all of artwork and knick-knacks. He pulled out a couple of his ukuleles and played them and sang to me. I couldn’t stop smiling. 

He’s moving towards filmmaking after writing several plays that have been performed out there. He’s upped his game from hosting burlesque shows and writing into more and more sideshow acts. He does straight jacket escapes, strongman feats like tearing decks of cards and bending things like horseshoes, nails and frying pans, and is working on sword swallowing. He travels to perform while holding down a full time job in a museum in DC. He went to art school and makes a living at art! Unheard of, right!?! 

McT makes me smile. We have great conversations... he’s hot. And kinky. Ridiculously smart and witty... and when we talk, I almost always end up feeling like I’m just flat out boring. He’s motivated and has interests... and I guess that’s actually normal, like the product of a happy, healthy upbringing complete with summer camp and the ‘almost became a rabbi’ path. He’s not someone who I could ever see getting married and doing the kind of life thing that LEO wants. He feels like a bright spot or a comet which has its own merits but ultimately I feel like he’d get bored of me if we were to ever actually pursue anything serious. 

Realistically, I need to put my energy into myself, my job, and into finding other things... not people... that make me happy. I know this. I really do. 

I’m still grieving the loss of the life with MM because I didn’t really, fully do that. We unraveled in slow motion but it’s really over now. In all likeliness I’ll never see that house again. I’ll never see Bleu or Monster again. And I may never see MM again after he leaves for DC at the end of the month. He was my family and has had my back through this Tampa episode in a way that most wouldn’t. But I don’t recognize him anymore. Our interactions in person have all been cold and awkward and I still can’t talk to him without holding back tears most of the time. 

And this Tampa bullshit. I woke up angry at him this morning. Things did not have to be this way. I didn’t have to be worried about running into him at the grocery store... we could have still enjoyed the good... I woke up thinking about making french toast and wishing I could watch the latest episode of Harley Quinn. And then I thought about inviting Cookie for brunch but the place in town with the best benedicts is the place where Tampa and I had brunch that last weekend before he flew back to Florida and a fresh flood of tears sprang. I just want to kick him in the shins and yell, “What the fuck, dude!!?” 

I pulled back because I had to for my own dignity, and instead of hanging on and working on things he threw me away. I wasn’t worth the effort because I was too easy from the beginning and I can’t make that mistake again. 

Just as my tears were drying up, my phone rang... Washington state. My first love and first lover... 

I can’t believe I haven’t talked about him or given him a nickname! Or have I? Well, I’m going to go with “Byron” now. When we were much younger, I came across a quote from Lord Byron that always made me think of him, “In her first passion woman loves her lover; in all others, all she loves is love.” 

Byron’s 5 year old daughter was murdered a little over a year ago and they are in the middle of the trial. He’s been homeless, living in his car for awhile now, unable to work due to his own health and then this whole thing with the trial. To say that his life was hard before this is an understatement.. admittedly, he was responsible for a lot of the struggles he’s faced, but he has always kept going. 

He’s battled alcoholism, health issues including multiple hospitalizations for diabetes complications, liver cirrhosis and injuries like the broken femur he’s still healing from. Once upon a time ago, he ran a comedy club and partied with celebrities... he dated Tonya Harding briefly and when he told me all I could do was chuckle because she seems like his type. When he was diagnosed with  cirrhosis a few years ago, he called me to tell me because he wanted me to hear it from him before he shared it on social media. 

We haven’t actually seen each other in over a decade when he lived with me briefly in Texas. He was still drinking then and things got ugly... but he’s Byron and I’ve always loved him so when he got back in touch all was forgiven. 

The thing with Byron that always got me was that after my being so in love with him when we were kids and him dating all of my friends... after losing our virginity to each other and continuing to have sex while he was dating my ‘best friend’ at the time... After all of that, I left our hometown and was moving on with life. I met my Kiddo’s father and that same weekend Byron called me out of the blue telling me, “I love you. I’ve always loved you. Please come home and be my wife.” 

It was a moment in my life where I literally had two paths unfolding in front of me and I had a choice to make. I can’t say I’ve had a moment so clear in terms of where life could have gone since that one. And I chose my Kiddo’s father, which has lead me to a life where I’ve had a new addresses, new zip codes, new states, a new country over and over rather than going “home” where I never felt at home. 

Byron is home...my home in that he knows me under all of this and I only wish I could be there to support him through this now. The crazy thing is that when he called me just now and asked how I was doing, I broke down crying again and he went on about how proud of me he is, how strong and amazing I am... He told me that I need to remember who the fuck I am. And he’s right. 

He’s literally been sitting in a courtroom seeing pictures and video of his little girl’s last moments, of her injuries... of the medic on scene going off saying that there was no way things could have gone down like they were trying to say... He’s been dodging the media and turning down offers to go on national TV to talk about it because he just wants justice for her. All of this while living in his car alone in Washington state. And here he was comforting ME and keeping this positive attitude in the face of unbearable loss... all while staying sober, which is huge for him. Holy shit, right!?! 

If I’ve learned nothing else in the last few weeks it’s that I’m loved and I’ve made a difference in other people’s lives. People I haven’t talked to in years have reached out to check on me after seeing my posts on FB. People I’ve been in and out of contact with have told me in no uncertain terms that the things I’ve taught them have helped them get through their own toughest times and told me over and over again how strong I am. These are the things I need to hang on to. These are things I need to learn from and in turn be sure that I’m reaching back out to the people who have made a difference in my life. 

I know I’ll survive this and that this is the hard part... the grieving and loss of yet another incarnation of myself. I’m really feeling the urge to get a tattoo... a phoenix. Or maybe a butterfly... something that will remind me of my capacity to rebuild and be reborn again like I’ve done so many times before. 

I’ll be okay. Better than okay. I just need to ride this out and remember who the fuck I am under all the years of making myself small enough to fit into other people’s (men’s) lives. 

Time to dry my eyes again and get dressed. I need to buy water since my water dispenser died on me and it will be a bit before I can get a replacement sent. It’s still under warranty so it shouldn’t cost me anything. And I need to go by Cookie’s for my replacement glasses. 

I’ve got this... and I’m so grateful for everyone who’s still out there listening, watching and rooting for me. I love you. 

[sarahsartistportfolio]

Tagged by @majesticbullshit rule is to add a question, lets do this!

coke or pepsi: idc either is good disney or dreamworks: Ehhh not really a big fan of both :/ coffee or tea: I like both really. I’m more open to trying different types of tea. books or movies: Movies. I enjoy books but because of my ADD they take me forever to finish :( windows or mac: windows dc or marvel: Hmmmm I’m going have to say DC because I read more DC comics. x-box or playstation: Well I own a ps4 & not an xbox one so dragon age or mass effect: I prefer fantasy rpgs so DA night owl or early riser: Night owl cause I’m a mess. cards or chess: I only know how to play uno chocolate or vanilla: chocolate vans or converse: dont care Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar: I’ve only played as Lavellan fluff or angst: I like me some pain.  beach or forest: I work at the NJ boardwalk I love the experience of the beach. dogs or cats: kitties  clear skies or rain: Rain & thunderstorms cooking or eating out: lol like I have money to eat out spicy food or mild food: gimmie that spice halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: Damn I wanna say halloween but ugh I love both would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: A little too hot fuck the cold man if you could have a superpower, what would it be: I wanna take naps whenever I want animation or live action: Both please paragon or renegade: What? baths or showers: Baths are a nice “treat yo self” but showers are more practical  team cap or team ironman: you know I watched civil war and I just remember spacing out most of the time lol fantasy or sci-fi: Fantasy do you have three or four favorite quotes, if so what are they: “Aaaaaiiiiiiiiddddddddsssssss” - Rich Evens youtube or netflix: I pay for netflix in my house but I watch way more youtube harry potter or percy jackson: I’ve read the first two HP books when you feel accomplished: Doing something I never thought I would. star wars or star trek: Star Wars paperback books or hardback books: Hardcovers

to live in a world without literature or without music? Can’t chose

who was the last person to make you laugh? My dog(she counts right)

sour or sweet candy: sweet

do you believe in aliens? If they’re out there I hope they’re chill 

dawn or dusk: dusk

piercings or tattoos? I only have my ears pierced and I don’t plan on getting tattoos myself. On other people piercings & tattoos are rad.

girls? so soft & perfect

do you sleep facing the wall or the room? The wall I guess.

TRC or AFTG: What

horror or drama: I enjoy dramatic stories but I’m more picky with drama so horror 

ocarina of time or majora’s mask? Never played MM but I have played a little of Ocarina. Still I got bored of it :c

would you rather live in an area of more nature or city? The big city dude I wanna live in NYC someday.

what’s your addiction right now? Skyrim, I’m determined to finish it

what languages can you speak? Only english right now

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? NYC or Japan

sun or moon? My mind immediately went to pokemon

potato bread or banana bread? ew potato bread is a thing? No give me banana bread

are horses good? They are such good boys

fruit or mint gum? I don’t chew gum

breakfast foods or desserts? How bout desserts for breakfast? I can eat chocolate cake at 9am

the best gift you’ve ever gotten? ...I feel like I haven't gotten the “best gift ever” yet Favorite song under 2 minutes long? I know I’ve listened to songs under 2 mins but I cant think of the names of em

my question I’ll add Favorite childhood video game?

Tagging.... @orchardsultan @mermartian @kainalexious @themanysoundsofsilence @ddaisuki