#dazais multicolored

[zaisamoo]

that one tiktok trend........ stop i still really love this song AAAAAAAHHHHSAJSJASANSDDKSL

[toroenj]

When you get pushed on them

synopsis: y’all know that tiktok audio that goes like “there’s a hot guy behind u” “push me!” blah blah blah “u should’ve pushed me harder!!” that thing 💀

Characters: Dazai, Jouno, Tecchou.

authors note: i spit my water out on accident anyways enjoy 😍this was so fun to make

Dazai

You and your friend were walking around and stopped near a train station when your friend turned you around abruptly. “y/n!! there’s such a hot guy behind you!” You were looking at her wide-eyed when you piqued up and said. “push me.” She sweat-dropped. “jeez okay okay.” She grinned and shoved you into the brunettes chest. “ah! forgive me sir!” You smiled sweetly up at him as he helped you straighten yourself. “Don’t worry about it belladonna~ I wouldn’t mind someone like you to fall for me.” To say the least you were all blushy blushy once you got his number. “f/n!! you should’ve pushed me harder~!” You grinned as you heard his chuckle behind you, leaving you off with a wink.

Jouno 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

You were drinking your boba while looking at your phone, your friend beside you directing you in case you almost walk off the road into traffic. “y/n.” You looked up from your phone to find your friend standing in front of you, quickly switching places with you. “something the matter?” You tilted your head in confusion at how serious she was. “there’s a hot guy!, behind you!” She squealed silently, not noticing the multicolor-haired person turned his head around at the noise. “what! quick, push me!” I fixed my hair and let her push me into the arms of the uniformed man, his hands quickly catching you before you touched his chest. “ah~ I apologize!” He only stared at you then had his usual smile. “if you wanted to talk to me, you could’ve asked.” You gazed at him and blushed, placing a hand on his chest and sweetly asking if you can see him another time. Needless to say, he was amused by your ramble about how your friend should’ve pushed you harder.

Tecchou

You and your friend were walking to a cafe when the fate of events would turn drastically once you walked in.. “Y/N!!.” Your friend whisper-shouted when she saw a tall dark haired man talking to another guy with white and red hair. “jesus!- what?!” You turned around annoyed at the loud noise and gasped when you suddenly got pushed into a bulky figure, blushing profusely when you trailed your eyes up his body to his face. “a-ah, i’m so sorry sir!” He reassured you to be more careful. What you didn’t notice was how a subtle blush was painted on his cheeks when you rambled to your friend about she should’ve pushed you harder, your friend smirking at the sight.

[cryptid-juzou]

*knock knock* trick or treeeeaaaaat ☠️ 🍬 🏚️ 👻 🫣 🎃 💀👀

🎃👻Your little 🍬treatie🍬 shall be a snippet from my 'they should be at the club' self indulgent skk fic 👻🎃 It kinda just...ends, because I haven't written further than that, but I hope you like what is there.

In the early hours of the morning in one of Yokohama's districts known for it's nightlife, a compact man with a deep scowl on his freckled face, was weaving in and out of the mass of people. He had been searching up and down this street for the last 40 minutes, head swivelling around trying to locate someone, but was disadvantaged by being at least a head shorter than most of the crowd.

He was also impeded numerous times by the approach of giggling drunks trying to get his number or convince him to join their group drinking. It was irritating, but he was used to the attention, it was hard to avoid when one stood out as he did. His fiery red hair and freckles were a rare sight in Japan, and he knew the choker at his throat also caught the eye, but could not bring himself to remove it to draw less attention, he had worn it for so long it felt like an actual part of him.

At that thought his fingers came up to idly play with the thin strip adorning his neck, and was reminded of who had given it to him, causing his anger, temporarily abated while fending off his latest admirer, to come back in full force. ‘Over 40 minutes late, to a joint operation his fucking agency asked for help on, Dazai is getting his ass kicked,’ he furiously thought, once again vainly trying to find Dazai over the sea of heads. 

‘Fuck this,’ he muttered as a red glow enveloped him. Using his ability in a street full of ordinary people would cause a disturbance, Mori would certainly have words for him when the mafia employees who were staked out at several local establishments for various contracts reported this back. But with Chuuya’s mounting anger it was rapidly becoming a choice between using his ability to levitate sedately over the crowd for a better vantage point, or keeping up his search and then losing his shit and throwing people around with gravity until he unearthed Dazai.

But his feet never left the ground, the red haze dissipating as quickly as it had formed, Chuuya almost stumbled, his body feeling awkward and heavy when he had been expecting to be weightless. Confused, he tried to ascend again with no success. Then it clicked, he gnashed his teeth, his face twisting in fury as he spun around, leg kicking out towards the space directly behind him, almost making contact with the body that had occupied that space until a fraction of a second ago.

“Nee, Chuuya, kicking me is no way to pay me back for stopping you from doing something stupid. We’re supposed to keep a low profile tonight, remember.  Although, the man, Dazai, overtly looked him up and down, “It’s a bit hard to keep a low profile when you’re dressed like that. Those pants look glued on, and a leather jacket, really? Ohhh, did you get dressed up for little old me, I’m flattered, ” Dazai continued, batting his eyelashes exaggeratedly. 

‘Urrgh shut up asshole, you told me to wear something that I’d wear on a night out, to fit in with the rest of this lot,’ Chuuya gestured  to the surrounding people. ‘This…this is what I would wear, this is an outfit regular people would wear, right?,’ Halfway through Chuuya’s tone switched from angry and confrontational, to more uncertain, and his face slightly flushed, barely visible in the dim multicolored lighting from the surrounding venues. 

Dazai takes pity on Chuuya and chooses not to mention that Chuuya didn’t deny the outfit was to impress Dazai. He wouldn’t believe him anyway, Dazai has made his feelings about those pants very obvious whenever he got the chance to see Chuuya in them.

[dqzaiie]

analysis of the day i picked up dazai official art

i'd like to preface this with some of these observations are made with prior knowledge of the light novel, as i have read @popopretty’s translation (side a & side b), so please keep that in mind! this may contain spoilers.

picture frames:

beginning with the foreground, the framed pictures have dark splotches on them, resemblant of debris (presumably for the same reason that other objects in the artwork are burning). there is a stark contrast between these memories and the rest of the artwork, with them being far brighter and having a higher level of exposure than most other objects.

pictures seem to be a recurring theme when discussing beast, with the beast light novel including very similar panels. this polaroid of oda as beastzai is enacting the final stage of his plan, for example.

this is important to make note of, as the pictures in the frames are beast-related artworks. (i thought this was a very neat detail to include!)

while i am not entirely sure of this, i found it to be a prominent detail: the inclusion of one circular frame amongst the square ones, with it being the only frame that contains an unobstructed view of beastzai’s face. to me, this is reminiscent of a mirror. given the fact that it is facing the fourth wall, could this be a reference to dazai’s self-awareness?

odasaku:

this idea is expanded upon in oda’s pose, with his hand extending toward the viewer. 

the light is illuminating his outreached palm, which is representative of him changing dazai’s dark perspective of the world, or “bringing him into the light”.

odasaku is the focal point of the artwork, being the narrator for this light novel. this conveys his significance to both the storyline and dazai himself. oda has a solemn look on his face, which isn’t unusual for his character, as he is typically portrayed with a stoic expression, however, he seems rather upset in comparison to his usual depictions.

in beast, it’s as though oda has assumed dazai’s role, so this may be representative of that parallel between the two of them, with oda bearing the responsibility of mentoring sskk in dazai’s absence. considering it is his right hand being extended, which corresponds with the beast side of the artwork, whereas his left hand is concealed by the picture frames, this demonstrates his ongoing role in beast, while he is no longer able to play an active role in canon.

(he is still very important to the story, mind you, but, that is a result of his memory, rather than his continued actions. this differs from beast, because he’s actively changing the narrative through his actions since he’s alive to make those decisions.)

while both dazai and beastzai have darker backgrounds, the space behind oda is white. there is a significant amount of light reflecting on him as well, mostly from the page hovering above his hand. this could be another picture that isn’t visible to the audience, but i believe it to a manuscript. 

the page is singed and torn, much like other aspects of this artwork. dazai in particular is affected by this, with the ends of his coat scorched on either side of the illustration.

canon (side a) vs beast (side b):

there is the obvious color symbolism of the background: beastzai’s side is black, while dazai’s side is grey, illustrating their differences in lifestyle, with dazai working for the armed detective agency on the side of good, and beastzai operating as the port mafia boss. similarly, beastzai is colored with cool tones, whereas dazai is colored with warmer tones. there are prominent cracks in beastzai’s background, while dazai’s has lighter, multicolored scuffs. these multicolored markings extend onto beastzai’s side before fading out into colorless ones. apart from those lighter markings, there are deeper cracks on the left side, extending into beastzai’s face and hair, from which dazai is unaffected. to me, these are reminiscent of a cracked picture frame, coinciding with the ones at the bottom of the illustration.

beastzai’s expression is blank, with most of it being obscured by bandages. his bangs hang down in front of his eye, effectively covering it. there appears to be marks of injury on his face, most of which are covered by the bandages. the bandages on beastzai’s face are attached to dazai’s own bandages, establishing a connection between the two of them. dazai wears a smile on his face, and his bandages are mostly torn, falling away from him. his bangs are mostly swept away from his eye, allowing him to see clearly. with a visible eye and torn bandages, this is indicative of the clearer perspective oda provided dazai with, allowing him to “see the world” through a different lens. (this was one of my favorite aspects of the anime adaptation for dark era—oda tearing the bandages from dazai’s face means so much to me.)

card symbolism:

the cards may be in reference to the gambling scenes between oda and dazai, which take place in side a of the light novel. much like chess, card games are often used in bsd to symbolize a battle of strategy, but also luck. for example, the cover for vol. 22

beginning with dazai, the card closest to his head is the joker, which references his intelligence, unpredictably, and “clownish” nature. there is another card nearby, but its face is obscured to the viewer. the card closest to his chest is the two of hearts, which represents quality time spent with loved ones, as well as spiritual connections, such as a twin flame, soulmate, or someone who is very important to someone’s life. this is indicative of oda and dazai’s relationship, as odasaku played arguably the most important role in dazai’s life—giving him a reason to live. 

there are two other cards visible on the right side, descending together in the background: the jack of clubs, and a card which has an obscured face. the jack of clubs is representative of action, warning against recklessness decisions. it may resonate with someone who is strong-willed and determined, yet impulsive and quick tempered. simply put, to many it means “yes”.  this card is representative of oda’s morals, and his sense of justice. his strong will, his determination—both of which lead to reckless, impulsive decisions made in an effort to maintain his promise to never take another life. this is exemplified by his death scene, in which he broke his promise to himself by killing gide and his subordinates, resulting in his senseless death. he had no regrets, dying satisfied by his actions, as though he believed it needed to happen—revenge for the deaths of the orphaned children he looked after. 

(side note: the parallel of his death scene in osamu dazai and the dark era and his appearance in the untold origins of the detective agency in which he claims “there is no forgiveness in this world…only retaliation—revenge against those who betray you.” is so, so perfect to me. the basis of his promise was ‘killing is unjust and revenge isn’t worth it’, and he broke it by obtaining revenge through the act of killing. i’m crying now.)

the card with its back facing the viewer is resemblant of dazai’s reasoning remaining a mystery to all but himself, hence why the card is visibly next to oda’s, yet unidentifiable, even to those closest with him.

there is another card on the far left of the artwork, but its front isn’t visible to the viewer. it mirrors the pair of cards on the right, the only visible difference being that it is alone. this card likely represents beastzai, under the assumption that the other two represent dazai and oda, as beastzai didn’t have an odasaku to turn to—he was alone.

as for beastzai, the card closest to his head is the three of spades, which represents heartbreak—a relationship which ends on bad terms, and a change of plans which cause emotional pain. in addition to this, it demonstrates commitment. i’d be hard pressed to find a card more fitting to describe the relationship between oda and dazai in beast. beastzai’s commitment to preserving that world, despite having to suffer for the duration of his lifetime, knowing that he would have to devote his life and death to protect it. this truly summarizes how painful the ending is, and how significant of an impact they leave in each other’s lives.

beastzai has two cards closest to his chest: one which has its back facing the viewer, and the other being ten of diamonds. the obscured card likely represents his enigmatic actions, the ten of diamonds represents accomplishment, and what is most meaningful in life. it is a good omen for success after hardship.

there are two cards falling toward oda, both of which are visible to the viewer: on the beast side, there is the ace of spades, and on canon side, there is the four of spades. when researching the symbolism of the cards, i found conflicting meanings for the ace of spades, which provided me with two vastly different interpretations. the first being: the ace of spades represents strength and authority, as well as new beginnings. this  this illustrates oda’s role in beast—a new path, a new novel, a new subordinate, a new journey. conversely, the ace of spades represents misfortune and death, which closely aligns with dazai’s arc in beast. tragic as it is, i believe this meaning to truly represent how saddening the storyline is. with dazai so openly accepting death to ensure the safety of his closest friend.

i believe both interpretations to an extent, as they coexist within the beast novel, hence why i decided to include both.

on a slightly lighter note, the four of spades said to represent struggle, daily life, and interpersonal relationships. after a deeper look into its meaning, i found it to describe a period of introspection, which is precisely what dazai experiences after meeting odasaku, having his expectations subverted time and time again, which causes him to reassess certain aspects of his beliefs. also, the idea of interpersonal relationships is related to this, as dazai and oda’s friendship is the focus of the light novel.

if you stuck around, thank you for reading all of that.

apologies if any of my thoughts were worded or expressed improperly, or if any of the provided information is incorrect. if this is the case, please feel free to correct me! 

this is my favorite light novel, and i simply CANNOT wait until its official release!!! i am weak with anticipation LOL. i would love to hear your thoughts on this official artwork!

[ruified]

the long awaited review of storm bringer

sorry this took me so long to do i had some stuff happening

THIS ONE WILL BE LONG SO GET READY!!

Bang!

A hollow blast echoed through the street.

Chuuya stood stock-still as numerous bloodlike streams slid down his head-from multicolored party streamers.

"Happy one-year Port Mafia anniversary, Chuuya!" The pool hall rang with the five men's cheerful shouts. Chuuya looked around the room with an annoyed glare.

"..What is wrong with you people?"

first of all i love the flags dearly, i always have ever since i saw the stageplay but the ln really just sealed the deal for me <3

of course, getting attached was a BAD IDEA but anyway

"Now I get it!" His voice was unnecessarily loud. "You thought you could pull a fast one on me, showin' me this so I'd get all weepy and apologize! That's what's goin' on, isn't it?!"

"Hmm? No, actually, we—"

now here we have chuuya not believing the gift from the flags he received was genuine and it makes me wonder how more distrustful he had become since joining the pm :(

Up until a few minutes ago, there were six people in the room... but now there were seven.

"No need to clap," said the seventh man.

I LOVED ADAMS ENTRANCE SO MUCH MORE IN THE LN ITS SO FUNNY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH he’s so silly guys live laugh love adam frankenstein

"Chuuya, you cannot defeat Verlaine alone, which is why I was sent here. He is no ordinary assassin. Paul Verlaine is the king of assassins—and your elder brother."

now i just find it interesting that despite not biologically being related, adam still refers to paul as chuuya’s brother

i always thought paul was simply a self proclaimed brother but adam’s wording suggests otherwise

"Yeah, this is my problem," began Chuuya, standing in front of the closed door. "But if something like this happened to one of you guys, I don't think I could just ignore it. I'd try to help whether you liked it or not; I bet the rest of you'd feel the same way. So, detective, spit it out and tell them, too, or I'm not gonna cooperate."

The group stared at him, wide-eyed and impressed.

"Hey, did you guys hear that?" asked Piano Man.

"I did," Iceman said with a nod.

"I forgot to turn on my tape recorder." Lippmann gave a faint smirk.

"Tsk. On second thought, I'm just gonna handle this on my own."

"No way, man! No take-backs! I'm not letting you out that door."

this was so cute guys, i love the moment of vulnerability and the way they tease him like older brothers

It was Dazai's dark figure. Chuuya tried calling out to him, straining his voice, until he finally regained consciousness.

He was lying in front of that pool hall: Old World. He was no longer focused on Dazai but the inside of the hall. The undeniable stench of blood filled the air.

it’s the fact that he knew to bring him to old world which on the one hand is sweet but the other hand it’s… suspicious

"I'm gonna save you! Hold on!"

It was evident that there was no saving him, even without getting closer for a better look. His abdomen was torn open, exposing his ribcage.

"I'm sorry, Chuuya... He got me. I can't see... I can't even feel my legs anymore," Albatross gurgled in a whisper. His eyes were no longer seeing the world of the living. His legs were crushed from the knees down as well.

"But I saved Doc. I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him out of the attack's way," said Albatross. "Everyone else is dead.

And I'm gonna die, too. But Doc... He needs your help..."

Albatross's right hand was clutching onto Doc's collar like a treasure he held dear. Doc's eyes were closed as if he were sleep-ing, and he didn't have a scratch on his body—his upper body, that is. There was nothing left of Doc from the waist down.

"…"

Chuuya groaned and clenched his jaw tight. He had to consciously fight the urge to scream.

"All right," Chuuya replied evenly, keeping his emotions at bay.

"I'll take care of Doc. He's gonna be okay thanks to you. You always were amazing like that. You should be proud."

albatross’ death actually made me ill so i’m sharing it with you all now

"Yeah, it's true." His voice rang of bitterness. It sounded as if he would have rather died than admit it. "But I can't get in touch with him. Whatever. Hope he's dead in a ditch somewhere."

"I see." I, however, believed that we would be in trouble if we lost an ideal player for the mission. "Can you trust this individual?"

"Trust him? No way," Master Chuuya spat. "He's a real piece of shit. Got a twisted personality to go with it, too. He's the kind of guy who'd try to sell water to someone who was drowning. What makes him even scarier, though, is that he'd actually pull it off. He's sharp in a bad kind of way. But we won't be able to beat Verlaine without him."

i love the way he describes dazai it’s so funny

Those who knew Dazai didn't dare come near his home-not even his Port Mafia subordinates-and not because of how eerie the area was. Rather, nobody knew how Dazai would react when someone invaded his private space. Perhaps he would tear off their limbs and kill them, or perhaps he would welcome them with open arms and a cup of tea. Nobody could understand how Dazai worked.

what a goofy fella

"Charming place you have here, Dazai," came a lighthearted voice. "What frightens you so much that you choose to live in such a dreary place? Real estate tax?"

verlaine says this… we’re supposed to be scared of this guy? BRO IS GOOFY

"Gimme your pen."

"Be my guest."

After grabbing the pen that was handed to him, Chuuya effortlessly scrawled something within the signature column at the bottom of the document. When the detective leaned forward to check the signature, he was met with the following words:

Eat shit.

Chuuya then tossed the pen on the desk, wrapped his arms behind his head, leaned back in his chair, and put his feet up.

he’s such an ass i love him so much

"I see." A self-deprecating smirk played on his lips. "But, detective..."

Chuuya's eyes had clouded over, shrouded in darkness.

"…you should probably save your sympathy for a fellow human."

he was already questioning his humanity despite not having been to the lab yet and it hurts so bad guys :(

"Chuuya's not with you? Good grief. He's even late to important events like this." Verlaine's tone was casual and carefree, even. "I bet he would show up late to a first date, too. You know, as his brother, I worry about him. Sigh..."

verlaine doing shit like this again

"He—Chuuya—was wearing a military uniform I think he stole from somewhere. He was a huge mess. His face and hair were filthy. He wasn't wearing shoes, either," Shirase continued, voice quavering. "We—the Sheep's original members—thought he was some orphan living on the streets. He spoke to us first.

"What's that square thing?' is what he said."

Shirase looked down at the ground as if he was desperately trying to remember every detail that happened that day.

"I had no idea what he was talking about... I thought he was just weird. That's when he said, 'Tell me what that square thing is in your hand. Right now.'"

Shirase lifted his gaze and idly stared into the distance.

"I was holding a slice of bread."

A deep silence reigned over the corridor, eerily so, especially after the destruction that preceded it. Verlaine quietly listened to the story.

"When I told him it was bread, he asked, 'Can you eat it?' Then when I went 'Yeah' and tore off a piece and ate it to show him, he did the last thing I was expecting him to do. He fainted, like he was out of batteries. It wasn't until I went over to check up on him that I noticed how skinny he was. He looked half dead. The others were weirded out and didn't want anything to do with him, but I gave him bread and some water. After convincing the group, I took him with me to the Sheep hideout in the sewers."

chuuya nakahara you are sickening

"Hey, don't look so worried! It'll be fine! I was the brains of the Sheep, and you're gonna have me on your side now, so there's nothing to worry about! I'll help you find the next target in no time!"

My arithmetic operator indicated it was highly probable Shirase was not the brains of anything but simply was useless in every other regard. I immediately shut down the operation. I did not want to know the truth.

I LOVE ADAM SO MUCH HES SO FUNNY

Master Chuuya watched Shirase flail his arms about for a full ten seconds before deeply sighing.

"What are you lookin' at me like that for?!" Shirase demanded.

"Nothing... If I told ya, it'd just make things worse," Master Chuuya said before averting his gaze.

they’re so childish too i love them

"Sigh... Somebody call a wahmbulance for this guy, seriously."

chuuya making fun of shirase again

Verlaine stood in mute amazement for a few moments before nodding as if he had figured out what was going on. "Now I get it. I finally see how you two did it."

Master Chuuya and Dazai stood side by side. There was something surprisingly perfect about it.

Two young men with completely different personalities...

they’re so meant for each other guys it’s crazy

"You messed with the wrong guy, Verlaine," Dazai said with a faint smirk. "I know exactly how to deal with someone who can manipulate gravity. Day in and day out, I've spent every waking and sleeping moment think about how I can annoy Chuuya."

he’s literally obsessed with him

After staring in mute amazement for a brief moment, his lips eased into a smile.

"Show-off."

It was an annoyed yet relieved smile. He then promptly began giving orders into the radio.

"Everyone, prepare for battle. Chuuya is heading toward the target."

why is he as a man amazed by another man

"Incredible," a dumbfounded Dazai muttered as he watched from the top of the gas tank. "So this is the power of Arahabaki."

like he literally is so captivated by chuuya throughout this entire scene, every time they mention dazai it’s like “he watched in absolute awe” or something

"So that's Arahabaki's—that's Chuuya's true form," Dazai muttered feverishly as he stared up from the surface.

he’s so down bad

After limply floating in the air for a few sec-onds, the wings on Chuuya's back vanished, and he slowly began to fall.

Until Dazai caught him.

…

"Sleep well, Chuuya." Dazai faintly smiled at him. "I forgot to bring a pen with me, so I won't draw on your face this time. You're welcome."

down terrible

"Wish you were me, huh? A future king needs a big city to set up base, after all!" Shirase gloated. "I learned something from all this. The mechanical detective that died, the king of assassins— they were incredible. I couldn't believe people like them actually existed. The world really is a big place! That's why I'm gonna use the gemstones I stole from the research facility to set up a base in London! The next time you see me, I'm gonna be the king of an organization even bigger than the Port Mafia. I'll make sure to keep a position open for you, Chuuya."

guys shirase is such an idiot i love him so much

“the world really is a big place!” like no shit sherlock you’re just figuring this out?

"Would you like to hear an android joke, Master Chuuya?" Chuuya stood in utter disbelief, mouth agape in astonishment.

He eventually took in a deep breath—possibly the deepest he'd ever taken. Then all of a sudden, he cracked a smile...

"Ha-ha-ha!"

...and laughed.

CHUUYA CARES ABOUT ADAM AND I SNIFF SNIFFLE EUGHHH

"I'm sorry, Rimbaud," he said in almost a whisper as he clenched his jaw. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't treat you like the friend you were. I'm sorry I couldn't thank you for the present you gave me on my birthday. And now that you're no longer here... Now I'm just so terribly sad."

Verlaine's voice trembled as he lifted his head to the heavens and closed his eyes. He kept still. For the longest time, he remained there facing the night sky.

RIMLAINE 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

He had no interest in the outside world. There was nobody he wanted to kill or see. The only person he missed was Rimbaud, but he was gone.

THEY MAKE ME ILL

guys i love rimlaine so much they’re so important to me

anyways those were my quotes hehe hope you enjoyed uhhh GO READ STORMBRINGER ITS PHENOMENAL

[anonymousewrites]

There's a Will; There's a Way Christmas Special 2023

Dazai Osamu x Reader

Chuuya Nakahara x OC

Mouse Note: Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone! I hope you guys like this little chapter!

            “Merry Christmas!” said (Y/N), opening the door and letting Chuuya and Akira in. “Dinner’s almost ready.”

            “Please tell me the Mackerel isn’t the one cooking,” said Chuuya as he glanced at the kitchen of the apartment in horror.

            “Don’t worry, I made him swear not to poison your food,” said (Y/N), smiling.

            Chuuya huffed gruffly but nodded in thanks. He and (Y/N) had a strange relationship to one another, but they mutually cared about Akira (and (Y/N) kept Dazai from causing Chuuya more trouble than usual), so they liked each other. (Though (Y/N) had insinuated to Chuuya that if he hurt Akira again she would use her gift and all of One Order’s power to destroy him, so Chuuya was a little worried Dazai was rubbing off on her).

            “You’re so thoughtful,” said Akira, hugging (Y/N) and kissing her cheeks. “What would we do without you?”

            (Y/N) smiled. “You all would be alright, I’m sure.”

            “I’m pretty sure Akira would be dead by now,” remarked Chuuya.

            Akira chuckled. “He’s not wrong.”

            (Y/N) sweat-dropped. Unfortunately.

            “Chuuuuuya~” said Dazai, sliding out of the kitchen in fuzzy socks. He had an apron on that said “Kiss the Cook” and a santa hat on his heat. “Merry Christmas!” He lunged to hug Chuuya, and Chuuya used his ability to flip himself into the air and crouch on the ceiling so Dazai missed.

            “Chuuya, get down here and let Dazai hug you. It’s Christmas,” said Akira.

            “No,” said Chuuya. “You just want me to suffer.”

            Akira grinned. “It’s kind of funny.”

            “Come on down, Chuuya!” said Dazai, jumping and trying to reach Chuuya. “Let me give you a Christmas hug!”

            “Dazai,” said (Y/N) with a sigh.

            Dazai pouted. “I want to hug him.”

            “No, you want to throttle him,” said (Y/N), rolling her eyes. “I’m only asking him to come down if you promise to actually be nice.”  She gazed at Dazai intently. “You want me to have a nice Christmas, don’t you.”

            Dazai caved instantly. “Absolutely.”

            “That’s adorable, he listens to you,” said Akira.

            “Well, I don’t,” said Chuuya.

            “What if I asked you to come down?” asked Akira.

            Chuuya deadpanned, and Akira shrugged with a laugh. “Fair enough.”

            (Y/N) smiled and looked up at Chuuya. A green glow appeared around him.

            Chuuya froze. “Wait—”

            He was pulled to the ground by (Y/N)’s gift and landed right in Dazai’s waiting arms. He squawked unceremoniously and tried to pull away, but Dazai hugged him tightly.

            Akira threw her arm around (Y/N)’s shoulders. “You know something?”

            “What?” said (Y/N), watching her and Akira’s boyfriends in amusement.

            “You’re the matriarch of this family,” said Akira.

            “No, I’m just not as crazy as you guys,” said (Y/N), smiling. She leaned her best friend/sister’s shoulder. “But don’t worry. I like you guys this way.”

            Akira smiled.

l

            After dinner (during which Chuuya was not poisoned by Dazai), the group cleaned up and then sat down to exchange gifts.

            “Alright, I’ll go first,” said Akira, holding up a gift. “This is for Dazai.”

            “I get something?” he said in surprise.

            “Yep!” said Akira.

            Dazai eagerly opened the gift and lifted a box full of multicolored bandages out. He started laughing out loud at the joke gift. “Thanks.”

            Akira shrugged with a smirk. “Knew you’d like a laugh.” She tossed another gift to Chuuya. “Here!”

            Chuuya caught it and opened it up. It was a brand-new harness for him in Akira’s signature red. “It’s high-quality,” he said, surprised.

            “I make money,” said Akira, grinning. “And I like spoiling my boyfriend so that he’ll look good.” She winked.

            Chuuya turned red and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”

            “And finally, (Y/N)!” said Akira happily, handing over her final gift.

            “This is going to be her most thoughtful, isn’t it?” murmured Dazai to Chuuya.

            “(Y/N)’s her favorite,” said Chuuya, nodding.

            “Fair enough,” said Daza.

            (Y/N) opened her box and held up a pale green dress. “Oh, it’s beautiful, Akira!”

            “I remembered you liked it,” said Akira, smiling. “And we have a girl’s day coming up with tea and brunch, so why shouldn’t we dress up?”

            (Y/N) grinned. “Exactly!” There was nothing better than dressing up with her best friend and spending the day spoiling themselves (and then fighting over who got to pay for who when since they both wanted to spoil the other).

            Akira leaned over to Dazai as (Y/N) turned to grab her gifts. “You know, that dress would look great with a ring.”

            Dazai blinked in surprise and looked at Akira, but before he could respond, (Y/N) was ready to hand out her presents.

            “Here you go, Akira,” she said.

            Akira opened it and smiled. It was a set of wine glasses with painted designs of dragons and flames. “I love them!” she said.

            (Y/N) smiled. “I hoped you would.” She reached out and handed Chuuya a gift. “And I have something for you, Chuuya.”

            Chuuya was surprised, but he opened it up. It was a photo framed in gold and red with Akira and Chuuya in an actually sweet moment within. He smiled softly. “Thanks.”

            “You’re welcome, Chuuya,” said (Y/N). She turned to Dazai. “And for you.”

            “Thank you, love,” he said, taking his gift and opening it. He smiled softly. He wouldn’t lift it to show everyone, but it was a book with a cover in the same styles of his “ways to commit you-know-what” book. However, the title was “Reasons I love You.” It was sweet, and his hands trembled a little with emotion as he held it. “Thank you, (Y/N),” he said, gazing at her.

            She smiled softly, knowing what he was thinking. “Of course, Dazai.” Then, to save him from having to feel emotionally vulnerable, she looked at Chuuya. “How about you go next?”

            Chuuya nodded. “Alright.” He held out a gift to Dazai. “Here, Mackerel.”

            Dazai pretended to be shocked. “For me?!”

            “Like you didn’t already see I had three gifts,” huffed Chuuya.

            Dazai grinned and just opened his gift. “Is this my old gun?” he said.

            “This is reminder that if you ever make me have to pull that stupid stunt of pretending to shoot you again, I’m actually going to do it,” said Chuuya.

            (Y/N) furrowed her brow in confusion. “What?”

            “He didn’t tell you about Meursalt?” asked Chuuya.

            “No,” said (Y/N). She turned to Dazai, and he coughed in confusion. “You nearly got shot?”

            “In the head,” said Chuuya.

            “I wasn’t actually shot,” said Dazai. Seeing (Y/N)’s worried face, he reached over and squeezed her hand guiltily and looked at Chuuya. “Uh, how about you keep giving out your presents? What about your one for (Y/N)?”

            “I can’t believe I’m saving your ass,” said Chuuya, but he handed over the gift anyways.

            (Y/N) sighed at Dazai before opening her gift from Chuuya. She brightened. “Oh, thank you, Chuuya!” She held up the stack of books Chuuya had gifted her.

            He nodded. “Akira mentioned you’d been looking for them.” And he was trying to make a good impression on Akira’s basically-sister. There wasn’t much family to impress (no way in hell was he telling his boss he was dating his daughter), but (Y/N) meant a lot to Akira (and was a very powerful person in Yokohama) so he wanted to show that he was thoughtful.

            “And this is for you, Akira,” said Chuuya, handing over a box.

            Akira opened it and smiled. “It’s beautiful, Chuuya.” It was a painting of a woman standing in the midst of flames. It was very Akira-esque.

            “I saw it, and it reminded me of you,” said Chuuya.

            “Aw, thanks!” said Akira, turning a bit pink.

            (Y/N) and Dazai exchanged looks. Not many people would be flattered by hearing that they remind someone of arson and rage, but female rage sounded like Akira.

            “I guess it’s my turn,” said Dazai, picking up his three gifts and distributing them.

            Akira opened hers and laughed. She and Dazai had both done joke gifts for one another. Hers was a harness and a hat to match with Chuuya. “I love it!”

            Chuuya grinned at Dazai. “The jokes on you, I’m not embarrassed, I’m going to love seeing her in that.”

            “With probably little else,” whispered Akira to (Y/N), and she laughed.

            Chuuya opened his next and rolled his eyes. “Are these heels?”

            “Because you’re so small,” said Dazai brightly.

            “I think he’ll look great in heels,” said Akira, smiling.

            (Y/N) shook her head and chuckled. For all their playful banter, Akira and Chuuya had a strong relationship that had overcome a lot, and they liked one another. It was cute.

            “(Y/N), love, open yours,” said Dazai.

            “Alright, alright,” chuckled (Y/N). She opened her gift, and her breath caught. “Oh, Dazai, I love it.” It was a painting recreating a photograph taken at the last celebrating the ADA had. It was all of (Y/N)’s friends (and Akira) standing together and smiling and happy.

            “Merry Christmas, love,” he said.

            (Y/N) hugged him tightly, and Dazai smiled, kissed her cheek, and held her back. Akira smiled and rested her head on Chuuya’s shoulder. He smiled and kissed her forehead.

            A Merry Christmas indeed to this little family.

[hellcatinnc]

BSD Men On Spoiling You For Valentine's Day

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Warning This includes: SFW (Read Tags Before Continuing)

Tags: sfw, fluff, x Fem! Reader, baths, gifts, jewelry, love, rose petals, roses, flowers, valentine's, valentine's day, vday, plushies, wine, romance, romantic, dancing, candles, sweets, cookies, brownies, waffles, breakfast in bed

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What these men would do for you to show you that you are loved and cared for. They will show you what its like to be cherished on Valentine's Day.

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Dazai

He can't be asked to do alot but thats because he is still planning out when you two can confess your undying love for each other as you commit double suicide

Bottle of wine and multicolor roses just so he can be different than most people

A smartass shark plushie that he saw in the store and had to get for you says "I chews you"

Big heart with lots of chocolates in it that he will feed to you one by one just to see if you will lick the chocolate off his fingers after while he has a big grin on his face

He will cuddle you until he falls asleep right between your breast

He will annoyingly walk around all day saying "I love you Bella or I love you Bella Donna" until your so tired of hearing it but its still sweet

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Chuuya

Bubble bath with wine and candles for two... he will wash your back and kiss every fluffy suds away from your shoulders. His hands might wander a bit so be prepared

Rose petals across the bed, champagne cold in a bucket

He will give you a nice long massage from head to toe.. again he will get handsy

he loves to take you out on the balcony of your apartment turn some love songs down softly and hold you in his arms

He got you 2 dozen roses, a valentines day balloon and a cute stuffed teddy bear. He bought as a sweet vday set from the florist

Brings out the kissing game for better intimacy with his favorite girl

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Atsushi

He never has alot of money to work with but he saved up for this night. He may not can afford as much as everyone else but he got a $10 cake from the bakery

Got a bouquet of teddy bears instead of flowers because they last longer so he gets more for his money

Candles he bought at the dollar store

Fake rose petals to give a romantic look to the bedroom

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Ranpo

He makes lots of cookies and cupcakes with you then helps you eat them all

Plushies for milk and donuts that says "Donut Let Me Go"

He gets you a cute floral set that says just what he feels "He is Sweet On You"

He will kiss you on the lips a thousand times in the day because you will taste as sweet as the snacks you have been eating

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Kunikida

He starts your day with heart shaped eggs and croissants. Expresso coffee with custom whipped milk and deco of a heart

Rose petals laid across the floor leading from the bedroom to the bathroom for your bath

A bottle of dark red wine awaits with preserved roses at its side

Nice hot bath with votive candles to light the room up. He won't stand around and stare after he gets the bath poured he steps out until your done

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Akutagawa

Got you a cute little kitten plushie with you in mind since you are his kitten

Feathered dark red rose set in basket. It gives off a darker hue than most arrangements but also very unique just like him.

Yes he did it he got matching shirts he wears under his jacket that says senpai on it and the other yours kohai. Its not exact like if it was my queen or king but he is trying to warm up and not be so cold so bare with him

He will eventually will show more his romantic side but settle the night in his arms as he reads to you one of his favorite books.

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Sigma

Makes sure you have lovely flowers just as lovely as you are

He made sure you had a heart with chocolates in it he actually enjoys watching you eat them. Something about the cute face you make when you eating chocolate

He wakes you with his all famous waffles he makes but he makes them pink with strawberry flavoring and some strawberries on top.

He brings your breakfast in bed and offers to even feed it to you if you like

He will cook you your favorite meal that even because this man may not say it but he can cook pretty well.

Bottle of champagne and a hot bath to soak in he has you covered. He won't disturb you in the bath he will just gladly sit down on the floor refilling your champagne as you need it and enjoying time just being intimate and talking to you

He will read to you as you cuddle in his arms in bed

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Tachihara

makes you brownies that say be mine on them and xoxo

buys you a heart metal trinket box

a beautiful heart shaped stone ring with customize your name with his on the inside

lilies and roses with a cute stuffed teddy bear sprayed with his cologne. shhh don't tell anyone he did that he will deny it

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[kunikidas-lost-glasses]

Plushies I think the BSD characters would have in a kindergarden AU

(They are all 4-6 in this. Kyouka,Kenji and Q are still babies.)

TWs: None

-------------------------------

Shibusawa: He definitley has a red dragon plush and he carries it around with him all the time. He also has a white rat plush which Fyodor gifted him

Fyodor: He has a grey rat plush. He gifted Sigma, Nikolai and Shibusawa little rat plushies in their favorite colors too. After learning a bit japanese he started to pretend that his plush rat would talk to him and that only he could understand it. Like that he sometimes scared other kids or tried to scare the kindergardners away.

Sometimes he would also talk through the rat because he often struggled with expressing or openly admitting emotions. Like that he once told Nikolai that "the rat" wouldn't want to talk with him anymore and that it would be angry with him because he clearly enjoys talking with the others and spending time with them much more than talking with "the rat" since he learned a bit japanese. Trying to talk with Fyodor is useless then. You got to talk with rattie until he feels comfortable enough to talk directly with the person.

Nikolai: Nikolai is the kid who hoards plushies and always comes to the kindergarden with a new one. He also steals some plushies from the kindergarden but his favorites are the multicolored plush rat which Fyodor gifted him, his fluffy bird plush and his two jester puppets with which he always performs puppet shows in broke japanese for the other kids or he performs one in russian only for Fyodor

Sigma: Sigma has a purple/lavender colored plush rat which Fyodor gifted him and he loves it dearly. He also has a plush star with cute face and he keeps a comforter in light blue with small stars on it in his bagpack which provides him comfort when he cries again or panics. Alone the knowledge of having it wih him is comforting and ressuring to him.

Atsushi: He always carries a white tiger plush which has a cute face and which is nearly as tall as him around with him.

Akutagawa: He has a black red plushie which he named "Rashomon". Nobody really knows what the plush is supposed to be and some kids think it looks scary but he loves it a lot.

Gin: Gin has a stuffed doll which she likes to dress up. Sometimes the doll is "the prettiest girl to ever exist" and sometimes she's "the coolest assasin who can beat everyone without revealing her true identiy".

Chuuya: He says that plushies are childish but he owns a fluffy sheep plushie which he always cuddles while falling asleep and which he would never give away.

Dazai: He owns a damn lot plushies since Oda and Ango spoil him a bit after adopting him but his favorite is his big superhero plush from a superhero series for kids which he named "Odasaku-Man". He often tries to hide his face behind it or presses his face into it when he doesn't want to talk, when he is embaressed, pouting or crying.

Poe: He always carries a racoon plush around with him. He named the plush Karl and he cries when it needs to be put in the washing machine. He also talks with it, tucks it in every evening and "feeds" it.

Ranpo: Ranpo has a comforter like Sigma but he only uses it when he's overwhelmed, sad or scared. He keeps it in Fukuzawas' office and he'd never admit owning such a thing. He's already six after all. Besides this, he preferes to play with his detective magnifying glass instead of playing with plushies anyways.

Mushitaro: He owns a round ghost plushie which looks like the ghosts from his ability in the canon universe. Karl and the ghost are often either witnesses or suspects in the cases which Ranpo makes up when Poe, Mushitaro and Ranpo play detective.

Kyouka: Kyouka owns a white plush bunny. She chews on it's ears all the time.

Tecchou: Tecchou owns a plush ant for some reason. He shows the plush ant the real ants all the time and introduces it to it's family

Jouno: He owns a white mochi cat which has the same texture and feeling like squishmellow plushies. He likes the feeling of those plushies a lot. He doesn't bring it often with him though and cuddles more with it at home.

Bram: Bram owns a tiny bat plush with very fluffy fur on it's chest. He loves that fur and often nuzzles his nose into it. He loves the bat in general and he's never seen sleeping without it in his arms. He also has tiny socks for it which he put on it's feet in the cold months aswell as a tiny but thick blanket in which he wraps the bat when it's cold outside. He called it Count Dracula. The bat also has tiny velcro pads on it's wings so that you can clasp them together. He uses this to clasp the wings together around his throat. Like this he can carry the bat on his back and can do things without having to put the plush away.

Lovecraft: He is never seen without his large Cthulhu plush which he drags around on one tentacle. He mainly uses it as pillow.

Kenji: He has a small cow plush which mooes if you squeeze it.

Steinbeck: Steinbeck has serval farm animals as plushies. He sometimes brings one of them with him to kindergarden but he preferes to bring his toy garden tools with him.

Louisa: Louisa has a bambi plushie which has a pastell pink bow around his neck. She loves it very much, reads stories to it and protects it. It also has a small cape which Lucy sewed for it herself for Louisas' birthday as a present.

Lucy: Lucy always keeps her doll "Anne" with her. The doll has red wool hair, black buttons as eyes and alwys wears new dresses since Lucy always sews her new ones. She also sewed tiny jackets, skirts as well as sockets aprons and she also knitted sweaters for her.

Yosano: Yosano owns a teddy. Fukuzawa gifted it to her and now he's her assistant when she "treats" "patients".

Q: They have their creepy doll. They were found on the doorstep of the orphanage together with this doll and serval adults have tried to exchange the doll and have tried to give Q a soft cute and fluffy plush but Q would always start to cry when they got their doll taken away and would only stop crying after they would get their doll back so eventually the kindergardeners and caretakers would just stop trying.

Fitzgerald: No plush but for some reason he always brings a damn lot play/fake money with him to kindergarden to "show everyone how rich he is" , calling himself the richest man alive.

Tachihara: He has a tiny lizard toy which he keeps in his backpack. He doesn't take it out very often though. He preferes to play with his toy gun together with Higuchi and Gin.

[nacaharachuya]

i like the idea of hnk dazai having green eyelashes and brown/gold eyes! for the contrast and due him being multicolored! ^^

and also chuuya having sparkly red eyelashes and crystal freckles <3 he also has a subtle color on his lips and cheeks due to the fact that despite the powder being there, the color bleeds through and it makes him appear radiant and bright

SORRRY FOR BEING MIA

BUT YES KALEIDOSCOPE COLORED EYES DZ…like brown and green but in a pattern in a circle. He looks very down to earth. Also the chuu thing is really cute actually…him always appearing to have a faint glow about him cause his color is so saturated😿😿

[ask-alexander-feoc]

Alexander’s love letter to Dazai

Beloved, Dazai,

I need to confess something to you. Ever since I met you, I can only think of your mysterious, black eyes. You filled my heart with unexpected joy and my head with amazing dreams of us together. My love can only grow more and more each day.

I dream of us Reading and from time to time I would gently stroke your multicolored hair while you keep smiling. In moments like these my life would simply be complete.

When I’m alone in the quiet, it always feels like I can hear your voice, whispering me sweet nothings, just like the blessed music of a Koto. I wanted to tell you this from a long time ago, you are as essential to me as is my Shoes.

My Sweetheart Dazzy, please be sure I mean everything this love letter carries to you with all my heart. Once I saw your lovely smile I knew there won’t be anything more precious to me in this whole world. I want to take you away from the ordinary, away from any upset or misfortune and we shall go together to the ball.

You are the best I ever had and I must be the luckiest person to have you in my life. You are my sunny day in spring. I’d give up all the Tofu in the world to know that you will be right there beside me for the rest of our lives.

My heart skips a beat at the thought that soon I will bring you purple Roses to show you once more how dedicated I am to you, for all eternity.

With all my love to you, Alexander

[sainadazai]

Short story

Dazai x Port Mafia Reader

Tw: angst, hot women, mentions of death, murder, crimes?

“Oh, come on! Just make your bet, it's not like you really have a choice…” she spoke with a roll of her eyes. If this guy wasn’t being so difficult, she could’ve left this strange place hours ago. A girl dressed head to toe in red and black leather stood in the center of a roulette wheel, waiting for her latest victim to finally choose his number. See, y/n’s ability; All Bets Off, allowed her to bet anything she could think of into reality. 

It could have been such a wonderful ability, if only people didn't get so scared of losing, it's not like she wasn’t risking things too. She bet if he could win a game of roulette, she would take a nice peaceful swan dive off of the nearest cliff, and if he lost, he would hand over the file on Dazai and then shoot himself if he ever told a soul about the interaction. It really would be easy if he wasn’t stalling his ass off. 

“I-I just don't know what-what-”

“Can it! I know you still think someone is coming to save you, but I really don't want to take anymore fingers.” She glanced down at the bloodied body part in her hand, slowly letting it drip dots of red onto the glass floor of the giant wheel. 

“Please! Please don't,” he clasped the injured hand to his chest, and let his messy brown hair fall in his face. 

Her left heel stomped into the wood center she stood on, face growing annoyed. A gun holsted on her hip being reached for and lazily aimed at the man, she smirked a bit as his already pained face grew wide in shock and fear. 

“This would go so much quicker if I just…” She motioned a shot by lifting the tip of her gun  “Bang.” At her motion he flinched harshly, eyes scanning the multicolored numbers that were dispersed all around him. 

“Fine, 2, black 2, please!” with pleading eyes the man sunk to his knees. 

“Atta boy~” Y/n roused. Then suddenly the giant wheel began to spin, and out of nowhere a white ball, the same height as her, began to roll in the opposite direction. Loud banging of the ball against the shiny wood echoed through what seemed to be an infinite space as the man’s fate was decided. 

Then, suddenly the noise all came to a halt, and his briefcase floated up the wheel towards the leather suited girl. A whistle of joy blew from her black painted lips. 

“Awe, why thank you, darling. And remember, if you tell anyone…” She placed the tip of her glock to her tongue and shot her head upwards, rolling her eyes to mimic being shot. 

The next he saw, he was back in the deserted building she’d blackmailed him into going to. No way to get back home, and afraid of every word his mouth could speak. 

While at the same time, a clueless Dazai rolled around at his desk, not even pretending to work as he scribbled new ideas in his suicide book. Well, so his co-workers thought. 

However today he wasn’t focused on how to commit suicide, but rather practicing the perfect note. The man never fancied the idea of leaving a note, especially since he was on the quest for a double suicide partner, and if you die with your one true love, who else would you really need to address? 

Yet a part of him felt that though the many women he brought back to his apartment, and scared away in the morning were beautiful, he still might never suicide with the woman he truly loves. So if he cant perform that perfect double suicide, he might as well leave her a note. 

Thus far it read: If you’ve been delivered this, it’s because I finally achieved my ultimate goal! You might like to know that, yes, even after all these years, suicude suits me the best. I remember that one time where you got so upset that you shot me straight in the stomach with a shotgun, I didn't even flinch. When you asked me why, I told you, “Those of us who fear death, are truly the outsiders here in this industry.” 

You are smart, you knew what I meant, but I don't know why I could never say the word to you. I can say it now. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Suic

Yes, it hasn't been the easiest writing Dazai’s ever done. He has already scrapped three attempts and despite this being a suicide note, he just cant help but obsess over the fact that he will be gone when she reads it. Dead. He wanted to be dead, tried to die on so many occasions so why does it matter so much that he is dead in this stupid letter? 

“Get back to work Dazai, you have a case!” He could hear Kunikida’s voice shout across the room. 

Sighing and tossing the book to the ground beside him, he reached to open the case file on top of his stack. Three men and two women, all died from unsuspicious circumstances after entering the old coat factory building, shut down ten years ago for gas leakage. 

It didn't seem all that crazy to him, death by car crash, heart attack, suicide, suicide, suicide. How many of them commited suicide? Now that part was strange. He didn’t see any correlation between the suicides, unless, well, something in that building made them commit suicide. 

“Ugh, can't you just send Rampo on this one! With his ability it’ll go so much faster.” The man whined, forming his best pout at his colleague. 

“No.”

“Fine, but what do you even find so similar about these deaths, most of them are Suicide?” Dazai flung his head over the back of his chair, letting it lose balance and almost tip him backwards, before barely staying upright.

“Well, they were all spotted on their way to this building, and sporting this strange symbol on some part of their body.” He pointed to photos in the file that zoomed in on arms, wrists, necks, ankles. All of which had the same dark imprint on them. 

His eyes widened at the familiar mark, one he had on his own body. A mark that he hated as much as he loved, but he never thought he’d see one again. Especially not on victims of...suicide. How couldn’t he have seen this earlier. The obsession with suicide, it was always her favorite game to play with people. She loved watching them choose between a noble death, or a selfish act.

The woman hated suicide, having had to sit and watch her own mother with a gun to her head. Hearing the echoes of an apology before all she could see was blood. So why not test all these terrible people to see if they would be so selfish as to take their own lives, or be brave enough to face her. Die while fighting for life, instead of the most desperate surrender. 

He was certain that with her ability, all of this was possible, and that’s how he ended up in a dark alleyway past midnight, staring straight into her striking e/c eyes and secretly admiring her slim fitting choice of attire. She was never one for modesty, preferring to be sensual as a way to seduce people into her ability. 

“Dazai.” She affirmed with a small smirk, as he scanned the shiny, reflective material covering her legs in black, along with the deep maroon satin that splayed her chest, not so conservatively. He wished that the choice of clothes even mattered to the situation, but he knew that comfortable or not she could fight him without her ability better than most people in the agency or the port mafia. 

Touching her would do nothing but increase his ache for her body once more. Those days were over long ago, but yet he still had dreams of the nights they would catch up after work, pretending as if she hadn’t just come back from torturing people and he hadn't been doing whatever secretive work he refused to tell her. In said dreams they’d talk over a drink and speak in depth and philosophy, until all the meaningful words were gone, replaced with the much more comfortable drunken giggles as he stumbled into her apartment. He knew that was never her real apartment, but he wanted to pretend it was, that she trusted him enough to take him home and show him that intimacy nobody else was willing to. 

Yet he also knew in the mornings when he began to remember everything he’d said to her, all of his feelings, the deep dark things, and how she was somehow so understanding, he’d be awful to her. Either leaving without any notice, or threatening her at gunpoint not to speak a word of it.  

He was a fun guy, kind, and silly, but he knew she’d remember all those times the facade was dropped and pure venom seeped from his words. She never scared so easily, though. Always ready to meet again the next night and start all over, teasing him about his tough guy exterior and repeating the same process as before. 

“Y/n” 

“Why are you-”

“Looking for you?” she interrupted, suddenly behind him, with a hand on his shoulder hovering over the spot they both knew was aching to be shown. 

He smirked, “Actually I was wondering why you started killing people again, but I suppose I now know it's just because you can't live without my wit and charms.” 

Pressure began to build on his shoulder, her ability being activated and the spade on his collar bone aching. She’d placed it there with her lips years ago, in secret, only for it to appear the next day randomly, leaving him bonded to her in a way he couldn’t control. 

When he looked around again he was in her ability, she hadn’t decided her gamble yet, though. So all he saw was an empty red room. The feeling of her body behind him was ever present, but he wasn’t scared, if she truly wanted to kill him, that might honestly be his ideal death. It would at the least be in the presence of someone he loved. More so, the only person he ever loved. 

“It's been a while hasn’t it? Why lure me out now, y/n/n?” She let her arms link around his waist from behind pressing herself tight against his back. 

“It might be because I have some very important mafia business to speak of with you..” she whispered delicately in his ear, making sure the breath sent a shiver through him. 

“Oh? They still want me ba-” a hand came to cover his mouth. “Shhh.” then it dropped back to it's hold around his lower body. 

“Or it could be just ‘cuz I missed ya..” He smiled at that, now understanding why there was no form of a gamble in this void. 

“You wanna dance with me, don't you!  Awe how cute, y/n! You’re just like a little girl, wanting to play princess with me,” the man excitedly rambled on. While the woman now in front of him, as he had turned to address her, was planning her bet. 

“No. Absolutely not! That's not why we’re dancing.”

“So we are dancing~” he tried to sneak a hand around waist only to be shoved off. 

“The bet is this; if you dance with me, all the way through this song without putting on that shitty facade, I’ll give ya a nice kiss and leave you alone…” 

He grew impatient in her silence, “and if I don't?”

“Easy!” she smiled “ then you’ll have to kill me!” 

With those words he could feel the mark fading from his skin. A piece of her that kept them connected was disappearing and he wanted it back. Dazai didn't like this bet, he didn't agree to it, not just because of the stupid mark, that wasnt a yes. There was no way he could kill her, but her ability would force him to, infiltrate his mind if it had to, just to make true one of her wishes. 

“No, I don't want to.” 

“Then I suppose you’ll have to dance.”

He didn't though, she knew that. The second he touched her to dance, the bet would be over, the mark though, It’d still be gone. So how could he? 

“No longer Human.” he whispered into her ear as his hands finally touched her, holding her body close, head resting on her shoulder as they fell back into the real world, her ability completely deactivating. Still, he began to sway her body side to side, not knowing what look she held on her face, but feeling the way her arms tightened around his neck. 

There was no music, and they were in a dark and dimly lit alleyway, but this was the happiest either of them had felt in years. 

“You shouldn’t kill people…” he whispered,  keeping the mood quiet. 

“ It’s not that simple and you know it. I'm not like you.” 

“C’mon, you’re way better than me!” He left a kiss on the exposed skin of her neck. 

“Osamu..” and he tensed at the name no one ever called him anymore, “you can abandon the Mafia and have them begging for you back. Next time I step out of line, you’ll be finding my body washed up on a shoe somewhere, three gunshots to my chest.” 

It was true, she wasn’t in the same position he was all those years ago when he gave up the path of evil. Yet somehow, even after years, he was holding her in his arms again, even though he was sure the last contact they’d ever have was on each other's deathbeds. 

So there was hope. He was sure of it. “Give me my mark back.” 

“You don't want that…” she side glanced at him, only seeing his hair, curls brushing her cheek. Despite what she said, though, she leaned in and planted a gentle kiss on his lower neck, exposed by the low and unbuttoned collar of his shirt. Then leaned back and stared into his bright eyes, getting lost in them as she unknowingly leaned closer. So close that their lips were touching, and then their noses brushing each other as they pressed further in. 

She trapped his top lips between hers and barely pulled away before returning, because she couldn’t let the touch be gone any longer. Neither could he, although they’d both return to different lives in the morning. She knew he was alive. And he knew what he was living for. 

....

[miminorenai]

Chapter 21

In the church engulfed in silence —

Sitting on the bench, Charles speaks of conversation he had with Mimi, bit by bit.

Charles “......Even if she believes in Dazai, she said she can’t believe in me.”

Charles “She said he’s never a person who won’t be sad by a person’s death......but a long time ago, I used to be sad a lot too?”

Charles “What’s the difference with me and Dazai? Mimi seems like she’s having a hard time with Dazai......”

Faust sighs at Charles who’s muttering vaguely.

Faust “How rare, for *Shall to show negative emotions.”

(*Faust called Charles ‘シャル’ instead of his full name シャルル

Charles “Negative emotions......?”

Faust “Are you jealous?”

Charles looks up blankly at Faust.

Charles “I’ve never been jealous of anyone before, but......”

Faust “Your UNawareness is a pain.”

Faust “It appears that winning over vampires in the mansion is out of the question.”

Charles “Such thing is non-negotiable/undiscussable, huh?”

Charles “But Dazai —”

Dazai “If you could make my wish come true ···— I might be interested to get on with our discussion.”

Charles “Despite saying it like that, he didn’t tell me after all.”

Charles “What is Dazai’s wish, I wonder? What does he desire to the point pretending not to see Mimi’s favor......”

Faust “......”

From the information they received from Shakespeare, the reasons of resurrection for the great men in the mansion......

......their purposes and backgrounds were being investigated.

But regarding Dazai, his exact purpose remains unknown and has not been reported.

Faust thinks with his finger on the chin, and opens his mouth after a while.

Faust “......Shall. You once said that Dazai’s past might be resemble you.”

Charles “Hmm......yeah.”

Charles “I used to execute......a lot of people. That guy let someone died too, although the amounts are different.”

Charles “I don’t know what caused his double suicide affair, but......”

Faust “If that’s the case, a thought experiment......would you like to play an *association game?”

Charles “Game?”

Faust “It’s simple. — What do you think of the person who’s causing other people to die?”

Charles “......”

Charles’s suffocated by the cruel question.

Faust, observing his reaction, urges Charles to answer with a sharp gaze.

Charles “......Regret, I guess. Even if I said I’m sorry......no matter how much I apologize, it’s not enough.”

Faust “And, there’s no way for atonement.”

Faust “So — what if you could go back to the world before you made a mistake?”

Charles “Huh......?”

He blinks.

Charles “If I can go back......if I can do that, I’ll stop the execution.”

Faust “How? Are you going to let the dying people escape?”

Charles “If it’s possible, I’ll do it then......”

Faust “You’ve got a point there. Then, if there’s a more fundamental solution —”

Charles “Fundamental solution......”

Charles drops his gaze on the floor and thinks carefully......and suddenly raises his face.

Charles “The executioner ···— it’d be good if I were gone.”

Charles “—··· Ah, I see. Perhaps Dazai......”

Charles smiles, as if he discover a star before his eyes.

Charles “......Hey, doc. Lord Vlad said this earlier.”

Vlad “If all the great men who influence the world disappear, what will happen to the future?”

Vlad “……Hmm, how interesting.”

Charles “If Dazai’s purpose is really ‘that’, is it worth trying?”

Faust “The great men to disappear......should we do that experiment?”

Charles “Yeah. If we’re to use that door, we can even try it right away. Lord Vlad said that the abnormality had subsided.”

Faust “No one could use the door properly except for His Excellency Vlad.”

Charles “But I’ve heard of it before.”

Vlad “— The other side of the door is a space-time interval.”

Vlad “It gathers the earnest feelings of humans throughout every era and period. It’s such a door.”

Vlad “If you have a strong will, the door may respond and lead you to the desired place.”

Faust “......I see. It’s certainly interesting to see what happens if we succeed in using the door, but —”

While Faust’s face shows that he’s still has objection on the matter, Charles’s truly in bliss.

Charles “......Yeah, that’s it. It’s different from our original plan, but isn’t it better to fulfill Dazai’s wish?”

Charles “And then, there would be no death to come after this.”

Charles “Isn’t this a good thing? Mimi will definitely understand.”

Faust “— Shall. You......do you aware?”

Charles tilts his head to Faust’s voice, which has a slight suggestion of sounding out.

Faust “His Excellency Vlad still loves human.”

Faust “When he casts something away, he has his own standard, whether it’s necessary or unnecessary for the world.”

Charles “Ah, if I do whatever I want, will he get angry......?”

Faust “It’s not like that.”

Faust “......What are you trying to do is Shall’s own choice, not His Excellency.”

Charles “Uh huh, is that so......? But I’m sure it’s not in vain.”

Charles “Mimi might be sad if Dazai’s gone, but  — “

Charles “......I’ll fill the empty hole in her heart.”

—··· A few days later, MC’s going out shopping in town with Sebastian.

Sebastian “Which reminds me, do you still read Dazai-san’s book?”

MC “Ah......, yes. Little by little between works and nights, though.”

MC tries to keep calm and answers the shaken topic that’s suddenly comes to her mind.

MC “To be frank, I still carry it around, even now.”

Sebastian “Right, Mimi is steadily becoming a Dazaist.”

Sebastian “It seems that Dazai-san is also writing.”

Sebastian “If there’s a request, allow me to do the editing or proofreading......”

MC “Sebastian, are you serious......!?”

Sebastian “Of course.”

Sebastian “But, it’s been particularly hard to catch Dazai-san again, nowadays.”

(......That’s right.)

MC hasn’t been able to talk with Dazai since that night he kissed her.

(He’s actually avoiding me after all......)

(But, I’ve been refused many times now, what should I do?)

The feelings of awkward, sadness......various emotions are mixed in MC’s chest and she cannot advance to the next step.

(Even so, I want to talk, even a little......I want to meet Dazai-san.)

When MC’s thinking about such thing, a scenery suddenly pops into her head.

(From what Dazai-san told me, if it’s that place —)

(I feel like I can meet him......)

There’s a strange sense like being called to the multicolored spectacle.

(Yeah......let’s go there.)

Sebastian “Mimi, what’s wrong?”

MC “Nothing......um, Sebastian. Can I take a short detour on our way home?”

And then, MC heads for —

— alone, to the path she visited with Dazai before.

On both sides of the path, the hydrangeas still have their vivid petals. But......

(Dazai san’s —··· not here. As expected, such coincidence will not happen so often.)

(I wonder why? It felt so wonderful when I walked with Dazai-san, now I’m just lonely......)

Except for the changing seasons, the scenery doesn’t change that much, but it looks different.

Instead of someone she couldn’t meet, MC opens Dazai’s book.

(In those days, it was fun to be together, and it felt so natural to be close to Dazai-san.)

(Somewhere in my mind, I was hoping he feels the same way......)

MC “This is......a hairpin?”

Dazai “It’s a hydrangea hairpin. I thought it would look good on you when I saw it in the town.”

Dazai “All right, it suits you well. You look very cute.”

**

Dazai “You are so good at believing in people.”

Dazai “……Really, Mimi-san is so honest enough that makes you dazzling.”

Thing that were fun and exciting......when MC remembers the days she spent with Dazai, her chest tightened in pain.

(I wonder if we can’t go back like we used to......)

(No, even if we can’t go back —)

(Right now......the scariest thing would be Dazai-san will go somewhere that’s out of reach.)

Dazai “......If you’re going to say that far, then tell me.”

Dazai “What kind of things filled my heart/mind while I kissed you just now?”

MC “......Dazai-san, are you angry? That, or is this also your intention of being a clown......”

Dazai “Hmm, who knows?”

Dazai “Mimi-san, I......I’m afraid of your straightforwardness.”

Dazai “When you’re with me, I ···—”

(I'm still curious about what Dazai was going to say back then......)

(What is making Dazai-san baffled to be with me......?)

For that little while, it seems MC was able to reach the edge of his heart, and while she’s pondering on his words many times over —

MC “Ah......”

Maybe because MC was distracted, the book slips off her hand.

She reaches out to pick it up in a hurry......and catches sight of a sentence from a page that opened by accident. 

—「駄目な男というものは、幸福を受取るに当ってさえ、下手くそを極めるものである。」

“A hopeless (useless/no good) man is someone — even at the time he receives happiness — will carry his hopelessness to the extreme.”

(Happiness......Right, Dazai-san too —)

Dazai “Listen, stop have feelings for such man, since I cannot make you happy.”

MC “How about Dazai-san’s happiness……?”

Dazai “I don’t need that. I don’t wish for it anymore.”

That guy, being stubborn, doesn’t even try to accept something like happiness.

(Since the reason for his revival is “to accept punishment for making other people unhappy”......)

(But I —)

—··· MC wants Dazai to be happy.

He scoops up the subtlety of human hearts, and give them incomprehensible kindness in indirect (roundabout) expression.

(But even then, he always takes a step back......)

MC wants to reach out for him —··· who’s alone at a distance and feeling lonely in his whole life, as he sinks into a dark place.

MC “Dazai-san......”

MC picks up the book as if touching his heart gently, and as her feelings welled up, she hugs it tightly to her chest......

......there were eyes staring at Mimi from the shade of tree.

Dazai “I just turned my legs somehow, I wonder why are we attracting each other......”

Dazai “The weak fear happiness itself, huh......?”

—「弱虫は、幸福をさえ恐れるもの」 

“The weak fear happiness itself. They can harm themselves on cotton wool. Sometimes they are wounded even by happiness.”

After muttering a sentence he once wrote in ‘No Longer Human’, he laughs, like mocking himself.

Dazai “Mimi-san, I’m afraid of you. Since when you’re with me, I feel happy......”

Dazai quietly leaves the place, as their thoughts and feelings passing by one another —

He then goes towards the man who summoned him.

Charles “Welcome, Dazai.”

Dazai “It’s an honor to be welcomed directly to your stronghold.”

[rokutouxei]

filling in the gaps

theodorus van gogh/mc | T | 3603 | ao3 link in bio you are damaged goods, and there is only so much love can do.

⚠ warnings: attempted suicide, depressive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, and cursing. please be careful if you’re reading this. ⚠

(a little vent fic for a bad dream) 

comte had asked you if you wanted to go back “home.”

it takes all your strength to bite back the automatic retort: what is home anyway? the future you’ve thrown away? can you still go back to that? won’t doing so be like an uprooting? to be harshly pulled out of this little dream-like living in a mansion with vampires reality you’ve burrowed yourself into, back into the unforgiving unknowable of the time you once called yours.

you consider his suggestion idly, sitting on the plush chair in his room, watching his many hourglasses count the passing of irreversible time. your eyes fall onto the one that marks that door’s opening. you bite your lower lip.

“you don’t have to make a decision tonight, or anytime soon,” comte assures you, one hand on your shoulder. “you have to do what’s best for you. and whatever you decide, i’ll be behind you.” you can only nod because your throat is in a tight knot. “i’m sure theodorus will understand.” the mention of his name breaks your heart. comte stares at you, trapped in a corner with his inability to do anything more for you. “i’ll have sebastian bring tea to your room. you should rest tonight.”

“thank you, comte,” you manage to say, and with a sigh get up from the chair. something creaks and you don’t know if it’s the floor or your heart.

theo won’t be home for three more days.

-

for a week, you’ve been dreaming of asylums.

you move down the gray halls like a ghost, passing through doors, gates. you hear a stranger’s manic laughter at the end of a hallway, in a locked room. there’s the clinking of chains matched with muted screams from another. the clanking of trolleys with medicine bottles and syringes, accompanied by the footsteps of a harried nurse. she’s rushing to get somewhere, except you don’t know if she’s coming in, or running out.

the path in the building is winding and labyrinth-like. every inch you move inward, it gets darker. you turn to an open window and jump without thought. but gravity doesn’t pull you downwards; you land gently like a fallen flower petal. only here do you realize you’re translucent.

eventually, you find your way to the garden, the sun shrouded by clouds. people rush past you like they don’t see you. somehow, that’s comforting. that is, until someone in a patient’s green dressing gown begins to thrash and cry out loud; nurses, doctors rush out and press them to the ground, cheek to the dirt. a doctor pulls out a syringe from his pocket like a soldier would a sword, a weapon to protect himself, and injects the ill with something that makes them spasm, then quiet down. limp. boneless.

(you want to turn away but you can’t.)

they’re awake. the asylum staff begin to stand up, get off their knees, but the patient is left on the ground. if you squint hard enough, you see tell-tale stitches along the crown of their head; they look like they’re about to split open. the unnamed patient look up from where they’re pushed down and look up at you with familiar sunken eyes. they mouth: you’re next.

with the swift crashing sensation of being woken up, you realize where you’ve seen those eyes before. you turn to the mirror, wondering if you’re still dreaming.

-

you didn’t want to talk to vincent, because talking to vincent is tantamount to telling theo. but somehow you know he’ll understand, he definitely will, and unconsciously, you’re drawn to his vicinity as the whatever simmers coldly in your gut. he doesn’t ask questions—thankfully—and just offers you company.

theo probably already knows, anyway. after all, this has been going on for months. not completely terrible months, no, there were good weeks, great days. but the haze remains.

vincent is a kind spectator, patient, quiet, only really offering advice, words, hugs, when you show that you’re ready for it. you wonder if it’s because he knows what it’s like: can tell the signs, can figure out the clues.

today, you sit on his sofa with a book from the library. when you get distracted, you look up, watching him paint. he has a little vase of multicolored hydrangeas, a gift from dazai. vincent sprayed the flowers with water to give them a shine, and he’s trying to figure out how to show it on his painting. his hands are stained with ink.

the part of you that has loved theo all this time would have beamed with excitement, because there is nothing like vincent’s paintings, especially when he’s trying out something new.

but that part of you is silent.

you stare at his canvas with empty eyes.

you wonder how quickly will the hydrangeas wilt and die.

theo won’t be home for two more days.

-

when you started showing symptoms again, you hadn’t even noticed it. it was theo who noticed it first, and when he’d brought it up to you, you laughed it off saying you were only tired. but once he’d told you, it became glaringly undeniable.

the weight you thought was exhaustion. the worry you thought was simply from circumstance. the sleeplessness you blamed on coffee. the oversleeping you blamed on… night-time activities with theo. the trembling in your hands you blamed on the weather.

no. the monster you’d thought you’d left in the 21st century had followed you through a time traveling door. you can make a home out of a whole new time period and it’ll still follow you around. you’d never really escaped it. it only quieted down, long enough for you to think you were safe.

now you were not safe.

there are no pills here yet, so long practiced strategies for preserving what’s left of a shattered stability returns to the forefront. getting enough sunlight. eating good, healthy food. exercising regularly. getting enough sleep. for a while it becomes enough. getting out of bed becomes easier. things don’t seem bleak. for a while you feel the cold retreating.

until it doesn’t.

one day, theo catches you with your hands around your neck, crying, gasping, trembling, eyes red, cheeks stained with tears. wild eyes, like you’re seeing something he cannot. it takes him a full thirty minutes to get you to focus on him and on the present. it takes him another hour to get you to stop crying and shaking, to clean you up.

that night, you wake up on his bed tucked under his blanket, cold and alone. you open your eyes slowly and see him by the window, looking out at the moon, its silver light over his hard features. he looks terrified. it takes you a while to realize it’s because he’s already seen death in the face once, just on someone else’s eyes. someone he treasures too. and that… was like being greeted by it once more.

you decide, as much as you can, to never show him your breakdowns again.

-

you didn’t want to be dependent on theo. you wanted to stand next to him, and be strong, and help him fulfill his dreams, and build yourself a new one in this time.

you had so much planned for the both of you.

sitting alone in his room, in the dark, wearing one of his dress shirts with all but two buttons closed, under his blanket, you feel these dreams slip in between your fingers like fine sand.

theo has always been there filling in the gaps for your empty spaces. and he’s taken the role without complaint either. the spaces between your fingers are for his. the little hole in your heart filled with a love that refuses to erode. where there is doubt he fills it with assurance, and where there is fear he pledges protection.

so you say in exchange you will offer him your everything, but what are you in return for all the treasures he is giving you? he’s handed you the world, and you are damaged goods.

and there is only so much love can do.

you close your eyes and look at the clock. just a bit before midnight. you probably won’t get a wink of sleep.

theo will be home tomorrow, but it feels far too long.

-

do you know that feeling when everything has finally clicked and something you’ve long wanted to do has been made possible, the universe aligning things to your advantage and you feel invincible? today feels like that day, at last. it’s because theo’s finally coming home, you say to yourself. and it’s true, you had missed him. except something about that just doesn’t feel quite right.

but you appreciate the way your body doesn’t seem to fight you for every move you want it to make. you’re watering the flowers in the garden when your mind begins to float again.

grounding, you were told once. back at home, comte had called it. a place that feels like a million years ago, ironically, when it’s a psychiatrist’s office a hundred years into the future. activate your senses, focus on the present, let your thoughts go away with your breath.

the taste of the fresh air.

the soft green of the grass.

the smell of the sweet flowers.

the bright blue of the sky.

the sound of the birds singing lovely songs to each other.

you hold them together in your mind, but what happens when you can’t breathe?

your eyes open wide.

wind, you realize. you need wind.

-

already dressed for a trip out, you say you forgot to buy a welcome-back gift for theo, and you’d promised him something special. sebastian doesn’t quite buy your lie, noticing the deep circles under your eyes, but he lets you go anyway. you predict he’ll send someone off to follow you—napoleon, jean—but that will take time, and that’s enough.

you’re great at acting when you have to be. sebastian asks you to put on a coat and bring an umbrella, while he calls a carriage. there’s a storm coming in, he says. you better come back quick, master theodorus will be home any minute. you nod and smile and follow his orders obediently. for the first time in weeks, you feel weightless.

you ask to be dropped off at one of the galleries you and theo frequent. an inconspicuous place, you imagine, when sebastian calls the driver back and ask where’d you gone to. when, you’re sure. not if.

you say thank you as you get down and watch the carriage disappear into the distance. and then, you turn on your heel and walk towards the inevitable.

-

there’s a graveyard at the edge of town. past it, there’s an open cliffside, beyond where the forest ends. you’ve never been to that cliff before, but somehow it feels familiar. the path your feet forges down the dirt feels like it was made for you. you feel like you’ve been here once, in a dream.

when you get there, the sky has turned a dark gray, the clouds just about to burst, an impending storm. you breathe deeply, inhaling the wind that smells like sea and rain, filling your lungs. you linger at the hem of the forest, and should someone see you, they’d say you’re hesitating. you’re not.

you’re so excited your hands are shivering.

ground yourself, you were told once, activate your senses. you take your feet out of your shoes, jumping at the cool of the rock underneath you. steady unlike the swinging in your head. you take your coat off, placing it on the ground, finally feeling the full brunt of the cool wind. you pull your hair out of its ties, letting it loose in the breeze.

you feel so light. like you were made to be here the whole time.

why hadn’t you come here earlier?

one step, two. toward the cliff. the crashing of the waves seem louder and louder. it takes you a moment to realize it’s only because your heart has stopped drumming in your ears. calmness—you feel full, a good kind.

you can jump now. no one to stop you. jump now, while no one has arrived, you tell yourself.

thunder rolls in the distance. a flash of lightning. you step closer to the edge. not too close, but close enough that you feel dizzy. gently, you get down on your knees, just to touch the edge with your hands, as if making sure it’s actually here.

like you’re not dreaming this time. not a ghost, walking through halls. this time you are real.

this is next time.

your heart races up your chest instinctively, warning you of the possibility of falling, but you press your palm on your chest and shush it. quiet, heart—there is nothing to fear. the waves look beautiful—a deep, dark color, something between blue and gray, the white of seafoam in intricate shapes. the waves whip along jagged rocks at the bottom. they sound they make like a frantic parent, shushing a crying child.

the ocean is a beautiful place to die.

slowly, you get up on your feet. there is no more shaking. no more heart desperately begging. there is only you, and all the other parts of you that have conceded defeat. your brain races with excitement at the satisfaction of falling—of having the courage of jumping.

lightning strikes once more. then thunder. you tell yourself, the next time it flashes white, you’ll jump before the thunder calls.

seconds pass. you don’t want to wait, but you’ve waited all this time—what’s a little bit more? your mind is a traitor, flashing imagined worried faces of the rest of the people in the mansion. comte, who will feel infinitely at fault. sebastian, who had let you go. vincent, for not being able to save you even if you were able to be vulnerable with him. everyone else. napoleon, mozart, jean, isaac, arthur, dazai. shakespeare, elsewhere.

and theo.

oh, why theo?

sorry, you want to tell him.

well, you did. you think of the necklace you’d left behind on his bed. the engagement ring strung on it. he would know what it meant.

that’s why it hurts, because he would know.

and you’d rather spare him all this.

hondje!

ah, now you’re hearing him? this is unfair, you tell your brain. we’ve gotten so far, and now you’re sabotaging all my efforts.

hondje!

you take a deep breath, and your eyes are filled with white. lightning strikes in the distance, a go-signal from the universe. your right leg swings over the edge, and—

“YOU FUCKING IDIOT!”

a warm hand curls around your wrist and pulls you backward strongly. you crash into solid arms just as the thunder rolls in with an unprecedented anger.

you only catch a glimpse of your beloved theo’s face, not enough to look clearly, before you’re buried into his chest, his arms around you so tight like he’s worried you’ll disintegrate into thin air if he doesn’t hold you strongly enough.

now stuck in the darkness, your other senses begin to refocus.

taste. there’s blood in your mouth. coppery. you must have bitten your tongue. it makes you nauseous.

smell. the cologne he always wears when he’s going somewhere fancy. sweat, like he ran all the way here. and that distinct theo smell that reminds you of home, like pressed clothes and fresh rain and love. it makes your heart twinge. you were looking for this, hiding underneath his sheets and wearing his clothes. you hoped it would save you. it didn’t. it couldn’t.

touch. why is he shaking if he’s so warm? he has an arm across your head, his hand in your hair, you feel his fingers press against your scalp. his other hand digs into your waist so hard you feel his nails. but the sting is comforting. and it doesn’t actually hurt much, it just feels… real. heavy. tangible. you haven’t felt this in a while. like somehow everything before this touch was just a dream.

and then you hear him. it takes so long, but then you hear him. he’s angry. but not in the way that makes you flinch, that scares everyone who dares oppose him. it’s that kind of angry where he’s hurt so bad the only way he can get it out of him is anger, and you’re breaking too. you can hear it in his voice, the way it shakes, the way it’s desperate to be heard. you feel it even if you don’t hear the words over the hum of your brain, a buzzing that doesn’t seem like it’ll ever go away.

you try to patch up the scattered syllables.

maybe he says “what the fucking hell were you thinking? what if i didn’t make it on time? what would i have fucking done? did you even consider thinking of that? godverdomme, schatje.”

theo doesn’t curse, never that much.

you wonder if this is really him. you wonder if you did this to him.

the part of your mind that is still self-destructing tries to escape his hold: the places where he touches you feels on fire, and deep inside of you a voice calls for the cool embrace of the ocean.

but you don’t find the strength to get up. if death was to burn in searing pain in his arms, then let it be: a penitence for sins you’ve done. for the hurt you’ll leave him breaking apart on.

except theo is cruel, and he will not let you die. when you drift back, he’s calling your name like you weren’t in his arms, but somewhere else.

and you were, somehow. you’ve long left this place, in your head. but you can’t not come back when he’s calling you like that.

silence.

the hush of the wind is all you hear. the waves. your mind goes quiet too.

you wonder if theo’s run out of things to say, or he’s figured that you don’t have the strength to listen. but he doesn’t loosen his embrace around you. for a second, you wonder if you’ve finally died, and you’d just not realized it.

until it rains.

raindrops cold like ice falling from the unforgiving gray sky. it makes you look up, on instinct, and when you do, you catch his eyes. you don’t know if it’s the light, or your own eyesight, but he looks back at you with a stare like a stormy gray sea that has watched many ships sink into its depths.

he’s watching you sink.

you’re watching yourself sink.

you do the least you can do: force the barest of a smile onto your lips, even if it hurts.

and then he cries.

you almost don’t notice because of the rain and how intensely he’s looking at you, but you see the hitch in his breath. his narrowed eyebrows.

his eyes.

at that moment, everything crashes down onto you with its full weight. suddenly, you are flesh and bone again. it’s sensory overload and you feel everything with great intensity: the icy rain dripping on your bare skin, the weight of your clothes, the blood rushing through your veins, the dig of theo’s hands on your skin, the cool of the stormy breeze.

oh, fuck, the weight of having to exist.

the back of your eyes finally burn with tears you’ve been begging to cry out for months—it makes you sob and theo pulls you back against his chest. like in a bubble, stuck in this small moment of each other’s company, the storm, the cliff, the waves don’t exist: there is only you and him, bodies together after what seems like an eternity of floating in the void.

you whisper sorry so weakly into the rain-damp fold of his collar you don’t know if he heard you. but it seems he does, because he presses a kiss to your forehead—chin rough with a light stubble, the sensation grounding you—

and whispers right against your traitorous brain, the one that always is out to knock the life out of you, “live. live. live.”

over and over again like a prayer, like if he says it long enough it’ll ring the same way the next time the shadow that sleeps in your veins wakes up again.

“live. live. live—”

fills the gap in the hollow of your chest with his presence. not love, not protection, no vows to protect. just his presence. two survivors pressed together holding on for dear life as the ship begins to sink, with the only comfort, each other.

your arms wind up around his torso, finally returning his hug, and it is only when his shoulders relax that you notice how tense he’s been all this time.

i can’t promise, you want to tell him, but your voice is lost somewhere, drowned out by the storm. you know with all your heart you are already knee-deep in your grave and you have no right making promises about this. i can’t promise you that, but i’ll do my best. so please stay beside me.

darkness begins to cloud your vision; the exhaustion, the sleeplessness taking over. you’re thankful theo is there to hold you up. far away, the sound of hoofbeats, your little 19th century found family coming to rescue the both of you and bring you back home.

yes, you tell your mind, before you drift into restful sleep, lulled by the sound of theo’s heartbeats. warm in his arms. this is what it means to go home.

[shortmainc]

Snow dances outside, covering the streets of Yokohama with a white blanket of cold. Stores are closed, and windows are decorated with candy canes and artificial snowmen. Apartments are filled with laughing kids and gathered families as they celebrate with each other, festive music ringing through the air.

Somewhere in Yokohama, there's an office on the fourth floor of a brick building on the corner of the street. That office is decorated with paper snowflakes, garland, and wreaths galore. In the corner is a small tree that's covered in an array of multicolored ornaments.

Obnoxiously loud Christmas music plays as Dazai and Yosano drunkenly sing along. Ranpo is sat at his desk, devouring the snacks he was gifted as Kunikida takes small sips of his drink with a smile, watching the chaos ensue from a distance. Atsushi and Kyouka talk to Haruno and Kenji as Kyouka clutches a stuffed rabbit that was given to her by Atsushi, a smile permanently plastered across her face as she celebrates one of the best Christmases she's had in a while. Atsushi is practically glowing as he finally gets to experience Christmas with a family, his family, and everything seems perfect. The Tanizaki siblings are off in another room doing- well... that's not important right now, and the President watches the scene with a smile.

Dazai dances over to Kunikida, laughing and caught up in the music.

"Merry Christmas, Kuni," He says, slurring his words slightly.

"Merry Christmas, Dazai," The blond says with a sigh and a smile.

"Do you know where you're standing?" Dazai laughs and points to a small thing of mistletoe hanging above their heads. Kunikida rolls his eyes before giving his partner a short peck, not pulling away fast enough to avoid Dazai pulling him in for more.

Fake gags and a wolf whistle from a certain drunk doctor come from their audience as the two of them kiss, their bodies warming each other more than the office's shitty heating system ever could.

After all, Christmas is a couple's holiday.

[dazaaaai]

BSD as SpongeBob episodes

(in no particular order except first episode is First)

“Help Wanted”: Dazai sends Atsushi on an impossible fool’s errand so he can work at the Agency, and is shocked when Atsushi manages to do it

“Texas”: Lucy misses Canada pretty badly and Atsushi keeps trying to convince her to stay

Dazai: Can we say people from Canada are stupid? Lucy: NO! You CAN’T!

“Pizza Delivery”: Atsushi does a fantastic job of solving a certain case, but the client still gets mad. Kunikida smacks them for making Atsushi cry

“Ripped Pants”: Atsushi making jokes to get Kyouka to laugh

“Plankton!”: Mori tries convincing Atsushi to work for them with a golden spatula, but it doesn’t work, so he takes over his mind instead

“Jellyfish Jam”: Dazai brings home a wild tiger to live with him and ends up totally trashing the Agency

“F.U.N.”: Atsushi singing the Fun Song to Akutagawa

“The Chaperone”: Dazai tasks Atsushi with taking Kyouka to a dance

“Employee of the Month”: Kunikida and Dazai fighting over the award

“Valentine’s Day”: Dazai getting wildly offended because it seems that Atsushi hasn’t given him a Valentine’s Day present, especially because he’s already given one to everyone else in the Agency

Dazai: I thought we were best friends!

Dazai: I defy you, heart-man!

“The Paper”: Atsushi, used to making fun for himself as an orphan, has a wonderful time with Dazai playing with a piece of paper that Kunikida is just. beyond confused about

“Squid’s Day Off”: Kunikida takes a day off, and all he can think about is how Dazai won’t burn down the Armed Detective Agency.

Dazai: I’m gonna burn down the Armed Detective Agency!

Dazai: Kunikida-kun, are you finished with your errands?

“Something Smells”: Atsushi’s breath smells a little too much like bad chazuke, but Dazai convinces Atsushi he’s caught the Ugly instead

“Suds”: Atsushi catches a cold. Dazai convinces him not to see Yosano.

Dazai: She makes you read old magazines!

“Jellyfishing”: Atsushi and Dazai beg Kunikida to play with them.

“Bubble Buddy”: Atsushi makes up an imaginary friend when nobody has time to spend with him. Due to ability shenanigans, it comes to life.

“Dying for Pie:” Atsushi has a day left to live, so Kunikida goes out of his way to make it his best day ever.

Dazai: The boy cries you a sweater of tears... And ya kill him.

Kunikida: You were SUPPOSED! To EXPLODE! Atsushi: Um, okay, I'll try. KYOUKA-CHAN!!! YOU ARE GOING TO EAT YOUR DESSERT AND YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE IT!!!

“Dying for Pie:” Alternatively, Dazai has a day left to live.

Dazai: Show my best friend Kunikida to everyone in town, check! Kunikida: Greeaat! What's next on the list?

Dazai: Show my best friend Kunikida to everyone in town while wearing a salmon suit!

Kunikida: You're going to be wearing a salmon suit?

Dazai: Hahaha! That's funny, Kunikida-kun!

“Imitation Krabs”: Port Mafia shenanigans manage to manifest a Kunikida lookalike and Atsushi must determine who his real boss is.

Atsushi: I thought you wanted to ask me a question. Kunikida: Yes. Why aren't you working harder? Atsushi: I don't know, Kunikida-san. I don't know...

“Life of Crime”: Dazai and Atsushi are convinced they’re going to jail.

Dazai and Atsushi: We stole a balloon!!

Dazai: Did you eat my chocolate bar?  Atsushi: You just ate it, Dazai-san. It's all over your face. Dazai: You stole it...

“Frankendoodle”: An evil copy of Atsushi is created.

Atsushi: There he is. Dazai: He's hideous. He makes me sick, just looking at him. Those big multicolor eyes, that skinny body, those two suspenders, and that stupid tie! Atsushi: Ahem. Dazai: Oh... But it looks good on you, Atsushi-kun!

Atsushi: You okay, Dazai-san? Dazai: Finland! 

“Welcome to the Chum Bucket”: Dazai loses Atsushi in a poker game against the Mafia, and Atsushi is forced to work there now.

“Sailor Mouth”: Dazai and Atsushi learn a curse word and repeat it at the Agency the next day. Kunikida explains why they can't say that word. When Atsushi says it again accidentally, Dazai ruNS to tell on him, only for it to end in all three of them cussing wildly.

“Squid on Strike”: The Agency members all go on strike.

“Club SpongeBob:” Kunikida gets stuck in Dazai and Atsushi’s club.

Dazai and Atsushi: Welcome to our club! Welcome to our club! WELCOMEKUNIKIDAWELCOMEKUNIKIDAWELCOMEKUNIKIDA

“Graveyard Shift”: Kunikida and Dazai are stuck working the Agency late at night, and wait in fear of the Hash Slinging Slasher.

Kunikida: No matter what I’ve said, I’ve always sorta liked you. Dazai: Kunikida, I used your Ideal to unclog my toilet!

“Secret Box”:  Atsushi really wants to see inside of Dazai's secret box.

Dazai: Good thing he didn't pull the secret string, opening the secret compartment of my secret box... Revealing one embarrassing snapshot of Atsushi-kun at Kyouka-chan's welcome party!

“Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V”: Fukuzawa and Ranpo as the titular characters. Ranpo is tired of being seen as the baby between them.

Ranpo: [points to the Mafia] I’m crossing over to the dark side! Fukuzawa: [looks at Port Mafia buildings, which aren’t lit] Chief Taneda: Why should we waste money lighting the whole city!

Special thanks to @bandaged-chessmaster and @passiverat, these are ideas from a conversation had with them two years ago <3

[dearosamu]

DESPERADO - AGAPE

SYPNOSIS: she, a dancer with personified problems all the while more that intrigues osamu dazai who came into her life amidst the chaos that is [name] [last name].

WARNING/S: cursing [if i forget to put warnings, pls be reminded this fic has mature themes!]

two - three

"what the hell are you doing here again you bastard? still trying to get into [name]'s pants?" chuuya greeted dazai and oda rather bitterly, directed at dazai mostly.

"he's still hung over [name] and i'm here for ango." oda pushed dazai slightly as the brunette only stuck out his tongue at chuuya.

"odasaku, you very well know that-"

"well damn. you don't even know how much [name] hates your guts, shitty dazai." chuuya crossed his arms, staring dazai down with disapproval. "i just don't get why you still force yourself on her."

dismissing chuuya's last comment, dazai frowned. "why would she hate me?"

"i can give her whatever she wants. she gives me what i want and i give her what she wants."

"it doesn't work that way, dazai. [name] doesn't think that way."

"i can give her more money if she wants. anything her heart desires." dazai pouted.

chuuya exhaled through his nose sharply, shaking his head. "she ain't a gold digger. do you really think that low of her?"

dazai shrugged nonchalantly, irritating chuuya even more.

"sure, she works for the money but she isn't going to throw away her body just for more cash. especially to a bastard like you."

oda sighed heavily from dazai's left, placing a hand on dazai's shoulder and shaking him. "that's what i keep trying to say, but he won't listen."

dazai's frowned deepened. "it's not just money i'll give her, you know. she can get whatever she wants just as she repays me equally as well. preferred for something more..intimate."

"she's not a fucktoy, dazai."

"i didn't even imply that-"

"sounds like you did."

the brunette and ginger glared at each other, seemingly a telepathic disagreement between the two men. oda only shaked his head at this.

he placed his hands on both male's shoulder's and broke them up as he could tell one of them may really kill the other.

"you two are grown men, so act like one and stop your childish antics. chuuya, just give dazai what he wants, otherwise he really won't leave."

chuuya thought over it for a moment before reluctantly agreeing. "..fine. it's not like i can do anything about it, he's just too persistent," he grumbled.

"alright, now that it's settled, let's get a move on!" dazai returned to normal and pushed oda up front eagerly.

oda only sighed once again.

--

"why the fuck are you here again?" [name] hissed as dazai merely smirked at her before placing his hand on the arm chair, raising another brown envelope with wads of cash.

"i want another show, dear. i can pay you double," dazai waved the brown envelope with a significantly larger amount of money in which where [name] eyed it eagerly, biting her lip.

"what makes you think you can buy me with money?"

"i see the way you look at it. i can tell you're desperate for money."

"you don't know that!" she snapped at the bandaged male.

"i know you do. you need the money."

"what makes you think that, huh? is it because i work here?! is it because i-"

"you need it for yourself and a family member whom you live with in a shabby apartment. i'm not sure if my hunch is correct, but the landlord demands you a larger amount of money to pay for rent. am i wrong?" dazai cuts her off, looking at how she faltered.

"i don't like you," [name] spat. "i hate your stupid tricks. will you just fuck off and stop stalking me?"

"but i'm right, are i not?"

"it doesn't matter whether you're right or wrong," she squinted at the male. "you're an asshole for taking advantage of me and i hate that. i'm not gonna blow you for a few thousand yen."

dazai seemed to have not been paying attention or just completely dismissed it changed the subject. "i wonder why a lot of people have been calling me an asshole lately."

"oh really? i wonder why." was [name]'s snarky reply.

"well, you don't have to blow me. you can just do what you did yesterday."

"what i did yesterday?"

dazai nodded, humming as he waited for her response.

the woman stayed silent, debating whether or not to agree to fulfill his request. she heaved a sigh, (something oda has been doing lately since he and dazai went there the other night) running a hand through her [h.c] locks.

"how much do you have then?"

"five hundred sixty-five thousand."

her eyes widened a fraction. "you're willing to pay me that much money for a measely lap dance?"

"i can miss the money, you need it for yourself."

"stop treating me like i'm pathetic and in need of help from a higher-up like you. i can work for my own money! and we especially don't need your sympathy!"

"i'm not pitying you. it's called kindness," dazai raised a brow. "what's wrong with it?"

"everything." she growled.

dazai stared at her for the longest time, never breaking their eye contact.

[name], who grew tired of their stare off, rolled her eyes and snatched the brown envelope aggressively. "listen, i'm not taking this because i need it or because i'm a whore who just throws herself at men," she narrowed her eyes. "i'm taking it because i want to, got it?"

dazai only hummed before he was dragged back to the place he and [name] were the night before.

"let's just get this fucking over with."

--

it became a regular thing.

dazai would double up the amount of money he'd pay [name] with each time he'd drop by. the money kept the female on a leash, confirming his suspicions of her desperate need for cash.

he'd try to convince her to go home with him every time, and every time she'd refuse. dazai doesn't understand. he had a nice place and he was filthy rich, though he knows she isn't a gold digger, but why?

he wanted to know why she refuses to go home with him and his question was answered when he had ran into her in the mall.

he was hurrying to buy a suit for an upcoming celebration for his company's twenty-forth year anniversary. he was just walking around calmly around the mall before a child with black and white hair ran into him, making him stumble back.

"omph--!" the child let out a small disgruntled noise before looking up at dazai with..the most strangest eyes he has seen. a shrill of a female broke the child's trance before hiding behind dazai, gripping on his black trench coat tightly.

"yumeno! where are you little brat- oh you have to be fucking with me right now." [name] came into an abrupt stop as she had been running to look for yumeno. her neutral expression turned into one of annoyance as she had spotted black and white hair from behind dazai.

she snapped her fingers. "yumeno, come here right now."

the child immediately let go of dazai and ran to [name], giggling quietly to himself. "you found me, onee-chan! haha!"

"are you hungry? here," she handed the multicolor haired child twenty five yen. "you can go buy any sweets you like for now."

"mhm!" yumeno happily walked away to a nearby candy shop. once he was out of sight, [name] turned to dazai, furious.

"do you follow me every where??!"

"no. we only met by coincedence. who was that kid by the way?"

"he is none of your business. now, if you'll excuse me-"

"i'm afraid you're not going any where, love." dazai took a hold of her arm before she could walk away. she whipped her head back, her brows furrowed in annoyance.

"what do you want now?"

"i won't tell anyone here that you're a stripper and work in an exoti-" a hand clamped his mouth shut before he could finish his sentence.

"will you shut the fuck up? people can hear you, you know," [name] hissed at dazai. "look, i'm a dancer, alright? a dancer, not a stripper. i pole dance, lap dance. i just dance okay?" dazai nods his head as he is unable to speak for it will come out muffled by her hand.

"also, do you know when to ever keep your mouth shut? people here still respect me, so don't go fucking that up for me." she removed her hand from his mouth, looking at it with disgust before wiping it on his expensive coat.

dazai turned to look at the multicolor haired kid that hid behind him earlier who was now talking to a worker on an ice cream parlor.

"is he your son?"

"what he is to me doesn't matter, just stay away from him."

"he's a cute kid."

"pervert."

"what?" dazai turned to her with a questioning look.

"i don't want you to be anywhere near him," heaving a sigh, she continued. "just leave him alone at least. you already torment me enough by working for you."

"is he the reason you keep coming back?"

"me? coming back? please," she scoffed. "you're the one who keeps coming back to me and ask for more with enough money as it is."

"then why don't you send me away?"

"i'm pretty sure you're smart enough to figure that out," she huffed. "now fuck off."

"onee-chan, onee-chan!! help me with this!" yumeno ran back to her holding two pieces of candy- er, shall say a pack of lollipops and a pack of gummy bears.

"can i buy both?"

[name] softened her expression and kneeled down to yumeno's height, smiling at him gently. "i'm sorry, yumeno. we can't buy both. you can only pick one."

"i know that, but i don't know which one to pick.." yumeno stared at the two packs of sweets on his hands, silently playing 'eeny, meeny, miny mo' between the two.

"hey mister," yumeno looked up to dazai with a small impish grin. "which one do you think i should buy?"

dazai placed a hand on his chin as he thought about it over. "well, i bet you can save a bit less of money if you buy the pack of lollipops."

"what are you doing?" [name] said through gritted teeth, disliking the fact that dazai interacted with yumeno.

"it has more pieces than the pack of gummy bears, plus it only costs two quarters if bought single," dazai made small calculations on his fingers. "it can cost you half a bill if you buy the lollipops instead since you could buy a small pack of gummy bears instead."

"oh wow," yumeno's eyes glistened with amusement. "onee-chan, he's smart!"

"i thought i told you not to go near him or talk to him?"

"i didn't. he asked me first and i have to be polite and answer."

[name] only growled at pulled yumeno closer. "let's go yumeno. i'll pay for your lollipops instead."

"no, no let me pay for him," dazai stopped the two before going to their side.

"i'm already paying with the money you gave me." [name] deadpanned.

"no, you won't use that. it's for you. i insist i'll pay." dazai repeated. "i won't take 'no' for an answer." he continued, crossing his arms childlishly.

the female crossed her arms and huffed. "fine, whatever."

yumeno walked silently with the two adults who bickered back and forth (though it was one-sided), his eyes lit up and he tugged on the hem of his caretaker's shirt.

"onee-chan! how about we invite mister.." he paused. "hey mister? what's your name?"

"his name is dazai," [name] answered for him. "call him osa, he loves that." dazai scoffed at the nickname and rolled his eyes. he'd have to live with it for now.

"osa-chan, how about you join onee-chan and i for dinner?"

"yumeno i believe osa-chan is busy with his own-"

"i'd be glad to join you for dinner." dazai cuts her off, smiling at the child who returned the same expression. though his smile curled up way too much in dazai's opinion.

"dazai, no--"

"onee-chan! please let him come to dinner with us! please?" yumeno pouted at his caretaker who was hesitant to let the brunette join them for dinner. it seems yumeno really liked him for some reason and who was she to deny the child's request.

she could only sigh and nod. "well," she faced dazai, a tick mark showing on her forehead. "it looks like you'll be joining us for dinner tonight."

dazai grinned and gave her a thumbs up. "can't wait!"

"i really, really don't like you."

"aw, i like you too, [name]-chan~"

a yelp that came out of dazai's lips signified him that he should definitely learn when to shut his mouth.