#daydreaming abt the home I want to make for myself again. it's been a few years. kitchen island with barstools

[lord-shitbox]

fucking hate my parents for making me like this but now it's my responsibility to make myself better. Still going to resent them because I have to do the work but fucking whatever I can't sit on my ass and evade responsibility for my own existence if I am a problem I'm obligated to fix it

[dolliedarlin]

Hi I’m one of the anons who’s obsessing over the P.A series!!!!! For some reason my brain has been full w diff things that could happen IDKKK! Hope u don’t mind if I dump a few....

TW: this is A bunch of rambling and some grammar errors LMAO sorry

Idk y I c y/n having a stalker💀 this prob sounds rlly weird but hear me out. (To add drama, also I Lowkey wanna c Mina,Sero and kiri get mad idk y-)

Since we all know y/n is the baddest most sophisticated b*tch (sorry idk if I’m allowed to cuss or not LMAO) her Ex lover is still obsessed w her and thinks that they are soulmate even tho they obv aren’t. I feel like y/n knows he stalks her but she ignores it until it gets worst. Like he found out where she lives. (He finds out where she lives while she’s sick which is now loll)

Anyways I feel like Mina would be over at y/ns place and since she’s getting better they are In her living room talking abt who knows what and y/n gets a knock on her door she goes to open it and admittedly closes it looking shocked. Mina being a pro hero is  supposed to be able to read body language. Mina ask her if everything is Alr and y/n OFC (stupid a**) says yes. Mina didn’t want to keep pressing the issue so she dropped it until it became a reoccurring thing with y/n and it’s not just her that noticed. She (y/n) is extremely hesitant to open the door and when she does she opens it a little bit. (And then idk her EX does crazy like breaks into her apt and scares the sh** outa y/n) THIS IS WHERE MY BIG IDEA STOPS 😭😭😭😭😭😭 that was a lotta rambling my apologies

Have a great day dollie!

oh no! please don’t feel bad, it’s always fun for me seeing what you dolls would want to happen next

although i don’t plan on bringing any psycho exes into ‘the p.a’ series, as a writer and an avid daydreamer, i can’t help but play around with this idea 

warning: there are brief mentions of violence ; this is not a part of ‘the p.a’ series but is just a little thought that i just couldn’t help but try my own hand at also ; i didn’t edit this either 😂 so kindly forgive any grammatical/spelling mistakes 

continuing on from your idea...

⏤mina, having the sneaking suspicion that something bad might happen to you that night, notifies the rest of the group later on that day

⏤usually, bakugou was in charge of you during the night and always sat in a chair beside your bed on high alert, ready to serve your every need...

⏤BUT!

⏤now that mina told them about your suspicious behaviour, all of them were put on high alert. 

⏤they all agreed to keep you unaware of their intentions by having bakugou take care of you like usual but they made sure that when on the night patrol, they were close by with their radios on and constantly being hyper aware of the shortest route to your residence from wherever they were situated - just in case of an emergency 

⏤naturally, they trusted bakugou with keeping you safe but that didn’t mean that they had no worries for you at all 

⏤seeing as you usually feel asleep before bakugou switched with the sero, who took care of you in the late evening, you were under the impression that you were alone at home 

⏤your current condition disallowed you from comfortably staying awake so you were constantly tossing and turning in bed, brows furrowed and sweating more than usual

⏤”what is she dreaming about?” bakugou utters in frustration as he continues to wipe away the vastly accumulating sweat rom your wrinkled brows

⏤he wasn’t frustrated at you no no, he was annoyed at the fact that he couldn’t make you comfortable no matter how many wet towels he uses to cook your forehead or wipe your sweat clean off your skin 

⏤as the night progresses, you eventually fall into a dreamless sleep, far too exhausted to continue stressing over your ex with the added burden of your fever on your body

⏤nevertheless, bakugou continues being on high alert at all times except for when he momentarily leaves to room so as to go to the toilet 

⏤this was the perfect opportunity for your crazy ex to sneak into your room via the window bakugou left ajar so as to help cool you down better 

⏤your ex was a creepy and disgusting man - someone that you had grown to dislike the more you got to know him and naturally left as quickly as you were able to 

⏤what followed was harassment to the highest degree, thankfully you were able to protect yourself due to your self defence training and quirk, however, it didn’t take away the shuddering feeling of being watched constantly

⏤you grew paranoid and extremely fidgety over time and eventually filled for a restraining order. unfortunately, that didn’t work and left you to deal with the situation yourself

⏤you were naive enough to think that you had shaken him after a particularly horrible beating he took from you in self defence. he had come at you with a knife but you were able to disarm him and send him limping home with a dislocated arm, a black eye and a bruised ribcage 

⏤over time, you got busy with work and slowly forgot about him, it wasn’t until today that you were reminded of his crazy obsession with you and were thrown into a panic 

⏤believing that you were alone at night and in your most vulnerable state, you didn’t feel safe and sought to deal with the situation however you could, even in your dreams

⏤all attempts were in vain, however

⏤bakugou, returning from his momentary break to the toilet came back just in time to see your creepy ex hovering over your sleeping figure. as if you sensed the unpleasant existence stalking you, your body stiffened under the blankets and you began to breathe uncomfortably, beginning to sweat bucket-fulls once more

⏤not wanting to disturb your sleep as rest was the top priority for you, bakugou crept up from behind the unknown figure and instantly went for his neck, choking him into silence as he dragged his thrashing figure outside, far away from you all the while sending a emergency signal to the rest of the squad 

⏤in no time at all, the rest of the squad arrived and had your crazy ex cornered. at this time he had already been tied up by bakugou and was ready for a quick chat 

⏤”what the hell were you doing with our yn?” kirishima began, sharp teeth grinding together as he clenched his jaw 

⏤silence 

⏤”speak up, we can’t fucking hear you,” bakugou spat as the others glared on from beside him, their eyes piercing through the moonlight and darkness of the night 

⏤”y-yn isn’t yours - that’s the first thing,” your ex finally cracked, giggling creepily in between 

⏤”you’re right,” sero began, “yn doesn’t belong to anyone so why were did you break into her house,” it took everything in sero not to lash out but they needed answers

⏤”wrong again!” your ex sang, “she doesn’t belong to you, she belongs to me! i’m her boyfriend!”

⏤”yn doesn’t have a boyfriend,” kaminari spoke up

⏤”that’s right! and if she did, we would have known,” mina agreed

⏤“that’s because she doesn’t know it yet, we broke up but we’ll get back together again soon” the tied up man giggled to himself, “it’s only a matter of time before she realises her mistake and she comes back to me,” 

⏤the team of heroes didn’t know what to say, they were so shocked and appalled at what they were seeing and hearing that they couldn’t bring themselves to utter a single word of response, they only listened further

⏤”i hoped she’d come back soon, anyway...but i was getting impatient so i had to try and convince her a little more. she’s been ignoring my love for her all this time, she can’t continue rejecting me for long...” he laughs, “i bet she misses it”

⏤“miss what...?” bakugou didn’t want to know but it had to be said

⏤”i bet she misses being with me. she’s so beautiful and so soft to the touch, she always smells good too and she has such a lovely voice - i want her all to myself, she doesn’t deserve to be anybody else’s”

⏤it was then that the team of heroes just about lost their minds. the creep before them didn’t say anything explicit but the madness in his eyes and the harrowing smile he was displaying was off putting. they dread to imagine what a lowlife nasty sob like him put you through but they saw flashes of unforgivable scenes that sent all of them into insanity 

⏤someone so precious to them didn���t deserve any such treatment. you may not have disclosed anything to them strict on being professional but if this man was willing to break into your house...they were fearful to think about what else he was capable of

⏤he deserved a beating from that act alone, actually, and a beating he got

⏤they could’ve killed the guy - they were more than tempted to and it would have been so easy...but he deserved to suffer in jail for his crimes against you so they held back no matter how painful that was for them 

⏤the very next day, under their authority and recommendation, the man was locked up for as many years as they could tally up and seeing as they were heroes, they were able to look into his past documentations and found you had filed a restraining order for him under harassment, assault and a number of other things they grew all the more furious at the more the read

⏤they would prefer it if you didn’t realise what they did that night but the media couldn’t let the story of 5 high class pro heroes sending a singular, beaten man to jail for life

⏤your creepy ex’s battered photos were all over the news and you were so incredibly grateful  

[ajokeformur-ray]

I watched Joker tonight and typed out my thoughts as they occurred to me. Unedited; typos are guaranteed. I did this a few months ago and really enjoyed looking back at my thought process and I wanted to do it again so that I can look back and know that what I feel is real and true in my darkest times.

You're welcome to skip this; it's under a cut for ease of doing so. Warnings for occasional sexual comment lmao. There’s no self shipping in this, I don’t think.

word count: 2, 575.

I’M SOBBING and I’ve only just pressed play.

Heart squeeze Chest much ow

THERE HE IS

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Nooooo baby omg don’t pretend - let yourself hurt if it hurts. Don’t pretend. 

Carnival Carnival Carnivalllllllll 😍😍😍😍😍

I am a Simp for one clown and his name is Carnival

Someone help him, I????

That sign hit Arthur as hard as my love for him did ksksksk

MY EYES BE LEAKIN💔💔💔💔💔

bb nooooo

Oh honey let me kiss those bruises and replace the marks of violence with love, hm? You’re safe with me.

Breathe, my love. Don’t fight the laughter. Let it out, let yourself go. 

Screams into a pillow because????? much sad must kiss

“have you been keeping up with your journal?” LIKE HE HAS TIME

oHHHHH boi’s close to losing his shit

Do it, Artie. Give ‘em hell.

“I think I did” YOU TELL HER!!💖💖💖

I want to be his cigarette. Where’s Satan??? I got a new deal for my blackened soul which he took at half price😂😂😂😂

I’d have my hand between the door and his head so fuckin fast I swear

“I just don’t wanna feel so bad anymore” yep SAME

ohhhh peekaboo🥺🥺🥺

this makes me giggle ksksksk i watch this scene when i feel sad bc it always makes me happy for the time it’s on

he’s so good with kids; he doesn’t have to try and think about what’s funny, he just does it, he’s himself and it works

FUCK OFF LADY CAN’T YOU SEE HE’S STRUGGLING????

give

him

back

his

card

casually wrinkling my nose against tears lmao

ohhh the way he looks up at those stairs from the bottom

i can feel his exhaustion

me too, my love

step step step step

god i wanna get him the fuck outta gotham

and into my arms and a soft, warm blanket

“eat. you need to eat” LITERALLY WHAT I TELL MYSELF EVERY DAY IN HIS VOICE BC OTHERWISE I JUST WOULDNT EAT???? I’m losing so much weight asdfghjk its not enough tho

SUPAH RATS

Did Arthur come up w that joke or was it actually a Murray joke????

HIS VOICE IS SO SOFT IM CRY??🥺🥺🥺🥺

“I WAS PUT HERE TO SPREAD JOY AND LAUGHTER”

YOU DO BABY, YOU DO!!!! EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!

go deepthroat a cactus randall - youre already a bit of a prick so🙃🙃🙃

“THE GUYS THINNK YOU’RE A FREAK BUT I LIKE YOU”

HOYT. YOU CAN GO SIT ON A CACTUS TOO

FUCK OFF

😡😡😡😡

“WHY WOULD ANYONE STEAL A SIGN”//”WHY DOES ANYONE DO ANYTIHNG?” HOYT YOU’RE SO FUCKING ILLOGICAL HERE IM????? ERIKA DOES NOT (ALSO WILL NOT LMAO IM A STUBBORN BIITCH) COMPUTE

Can arthur fuck me like he pounds the trash/????🥵🥵👀

those dark curls.... that crooked tooth... must kiss.🥺🥺🥺

pennys casual cruelty makes me so fucking angry

foreshadowingggggg ~  *JAZZ HANDS*

ugh the way he dances with that gun im👀🥵🥵🥵

he enjoys the power of it and his breathing gets deeper asdfghjk

clumsy baby omggggg i just COOED 🥺🥺🥺🥺

okay maybe im stupid but i genuinely dont understand this “senior who needs to graduate” skit i’m??? how is being an intro to western civ student funny im???? someone explain???

but also dont bc fuck that guy lmao arthur’s hilarious

true millenial humour (and brit humour lmao we’re dark asf)

THE WAY ARTIE TWIRLS HIS FINGERS AROUND HIS HAIR AND DANCES IN HIS SEAT IM???🥺🥺🥺

wanna curl up on his lap at night when hes writing and go to sleep with a 

blanket around our bodies🥺🥺🥺🥺

when arthur wears a shirt at home you KNOW it’s a daydream

THAT CROOKED TOOTH IM WANT KISS.

WAIT IS IT CALLED STAND UP COMEDY BC YOU STAND UP... AND ITS COMEDY???

23 FUCKING YEARS, PEOPLE... TO REALISE THAT🙄

WHEN CARNIVAL CAME ON SCREEN I NTHE HOSPITAL I MADE A PORNOGRAPHIC NOISE LMAO I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

IF YOURE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, SHOOT MURRAY

WOOPS WRONG LYRICS

😂

“doctor of laughter”🥺🥺🥺🥺

doctor i have a case of the Big Sad can you... do an exam? 😉😏

NO BB DONT BEAT YOUR HEAD UP THERES PRECIOUS CARGO IN THERE

in what world does chucking cold greasy chips in a girls hair being “nice”???

lmao fuck these guys

ohhh honey breathe. dont fight it, my love, just breathe.

my heart’s breaking for you, you sweet thing🥺🥺🥺

i love you so so so so so so so much ugh you’re an actual fucking angel

just breathe darling

i need to get you a cup of tea with honey in it, your throat must be so sore

ohhhh baby im so sorry

i’d take every single punch if i could

i’d die for you

i wish i could protect you

i wish i could look after you

and take all those hits

and kill those guys for you

im so sorry

sobbingggg

YES GOOD MAN THANK YOUUU

KILL THOSE ASSHOLES LMAO DESERVED IT

yeah i have a grey morality... im similar to deadpool in that way tbh

carnival comin’ to kill your insecurities

8 bullets in a 6 chamber???? mm-hm

DONT FORGET YOUR BAG THATS EVIDENCE

AND THE WIG

RUN BABY RUNNNNNNN

GO GO GO GOOOOOOOOOOOO

RUN LIKE THE WIND BULLSEYE

THE SOUND OF HIS FEET SLAPPING THE PAVEMENT IM👀

OOOOOH JOKER’S WAKIN’ UUUUUUP

fuck he’s so hypnotic

the way he runs his hand down his lower stomach asdfghj🥵

must kiss the inner tendons on his wrists and lick the blood off his face 

must kiss

he moves like water

fuck hes so fluid

bathroom scene = the scene in which my heart and vagina clench at the same time

im WANT

T POSEEEEEEEE

“i still owe you for that, dont i?”

PUNCH OUT IS MY FAVOURITE THING E  V  E  R

D O N T S M I LE

UGH I FUCKING HATE being told to smile if i don’t fucking want to so BIG mood

PLEASE SHUSH ME THE WAY YOU JUST SHUSHED PENNY IM???

but also dont lmao bc i’ll think you’re mad at me and i’ll hide in the bedroom for the rest of the day lmao i’m sensitive✨✨✨

i wanna sit on his lap and still his bouncing knees

“thats not funny”

fuck off penny yes it is

I JUST CHOKED ON MY COFFEE IM???

“but i do” god the  P O W E R

ugh that fucking sexist piece of shit comedian can choke “women look at sex like buying a car” 🤢🤮🤢🤢🤮

chauvinistic pigs can die thanks

his lil trip upstage im cry🥺🥺🥺

ohhh baby. just breathe, darling. it’s okay to be scared. dont fight it. just breathe. 

he and i both cover our mouths when we laugh/smile in the exact same way and it makes me feel closer to him

how can they think hes laughing at himself when hes literally gagging????

people only see what they wanna

the Penny imitation is👌👌👌

s m i l e

i remember when i came home from seeing this for the first time, i got home and dropped to my knees to cry in the bathroom. it was such an emotional release and so much love and i played smile to try to make myself smile but i only made myself cry harder lmaooooo ~ 

smile and thats life are my go-to songs if i gotta cheer tf up

danger sign = neither works

he looks so soft after his “date”🥺🥺🥺

“thats life” yeah but murray you dont even leave the studio so how do you know????

ngl arthur’s anger scares me.

anyone so much as raise their voice at me and i’ll cry really bad and i will shut myself away for the rest of the day and quiet anger terrifies me so his banging abt in the kitchen would freak me tf out😲

angry bb😭

he controls his anger so fast though omgggg ~ 

that soft please sends me

idk where it sends me lmao

down below probably

BARE FACED CARNIVAL OMG THIS SCENE IS SO CUTE

I LOVE THE MATCHING COLOURS ON ARTHUR AND BRUCE TOO ???

okay but the implication that arthur always carries a clown nose on him is🥺🥺🥺

hes such a good clown im?????

lmao im enjoying the show more than bruce is skskskk

arthur’s lil chuckle makes me🥺

his HUMMING im??? soft?????

his brows are so strong and dark omggg ~ he’s so beautiful

OKAY i’ll be honest i’ve seen this alfred/bruce scene and the thomas bathroom scene later on and the penny flashback scene a 100 times and i still dont fucking understand what did or didnt happen regarding arthur’s parentage im????

 ive seen interpretations to say he is thomas’ son and some to say he isnt and i still cant decide so? im stupid i guess 🙃

“a clown thing?” the  s a s s

“it’s exit only” yeah so’s my ass🙃

if i was there in the hospital room i woulda turned that tv off as soon as i realised what clip was gonna play

murray’s cruelty is d i s g u s t i n g

lmao hes an asshole

arthurs lil clap from joyyyyy ~ 🥺🥺🥺

did i say murray???

i meant  m u r r a t

🙃🙃🙃

sneaky baby

wayne hall either has super bad security or arthurs v quick on his feet

🤔🤔🤔🤔

he looks so good in red omggg ~ 

f o r e s h a d o w i n g

arthurs smile when hes watching chaplin is how he smiles when we all gush to each other abt him and ourselves!!!

hes so cuuuuuute🥺🥺🥺🥺😭😭😍😍😍🥰🥰🥰

“told me what” 

ohhhh honey🥺🥺 im so sorry. “crazy” is a trigger word for arthur; it made him start laughing in the bathroom with thomas

“touch my son again ill fucking kill you” yeah?? touch my arthur again and i’ll fucking kill you🙃🙃🙃🙃

^^^ that ones a joke do not come at me

the clerk in arkham was nice to arthur - he, gary and sophie are the good gothamites.

none of it was enough to stop his descent into joker, though, and i’d even say it was too late right at the beginning of the film, too... 

his sock puppet thingy “they cut all those” is such a Joker thing to doooo ~ 

the way arthur’s laughing in the hall at arkham turns into sobbing is gut-wrenching omg the poor thing😭

i wanna hug him and protect him and help him to process this in a healthy way

sweetheart, if i could take all of your pain and put it onto me... i so would. i’d do it in a heartbeat.

i wanna get you into a hot shower, make you some food and sit and listen to you. we can either sit in silence or you can talk to me, my love, and you will be heard and understood and loved.

“i had a bad day”

IT’S OKAY I DIDNT NEED MY HEART ANYWAY OMG YOU POOR SWEET INNOCENT THING IM LOVE YOU🥺💔

THAT ENTIRE LATE NIGHT SCENE LAUGH/SOBBING GOT ME -

💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

i just wanna hold you and protect you and help you and love you

I’m so fucking sorry, darling. i wish i could take it all away from you

“i havent been happy one minute of my entire fucking life”

NO ONE SHOULD LOOK THAT ANGELIC AFTER COMMITING MATRICIDE IM????

get

that

fucking

gun

away

from

your

face

boi dont test me ill fucking go feral or - no, tell you what, i’ll point the gun at me and see how you like it

im looking respectfully at the green speckled undies scene....👀👀👀

“coming” 😏😏😏

“my mum died im celebrating” and “i stopped taking my medication” and you STILL stayed in the apartment with Arthur????? dudes those are 🚨🚨🚨 signs

woe betide anyone who underestimates arthur fleck lmaoooo

randalls death scene makes me laugh every time omg i feel so vindictive

get WRECKED

i wanna lick the blood off his face. i really want to

ngl i think i have a blood kink... 

“dont look just go” ME WITH MY ACNE WHEN I SEE IT IN THE MIRROR 😂😂😂😂

JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKER 

ASDFGHJKL

J

O

K

E

R

ERIKA.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING

JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERRRRRR

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 MY BABY MY MAN OMG THERE HE IS IM CRY???????😭🥺😭🥺😭🥺

my mind is literally blank rn im just staring and crying and smiling so hard my face hurts????? im love him so so so so much

sweet thing’s so used to pain he gets HIT BY A CAR AND KEEPS GOING????

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

hghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

euirrrrrrgkjbgkfbirsghigrbugr

*incoherent keyboardsmash to portray utter love*

ohhh baby no dont cry. oh honey😭 i wanna sit on your lap and kiss your tears away

“i love dr sally”

you have a WIFE at home

“DO YOU REMEMBER?” THAT WAS YOUR CUE TO APOLOGISE LMAO GET FUCKED MURRAT

he’s so CUTE

omgggg ~ 

my hearts gonna give out its SQUEEZING SO HARD IT HURTS

YOU MOCK THEM, BABY!!! THEY GOT IT COMING

“i wanna get it right” hes so passionate

my comments have deceased in number bc im just too starstruck and in love to even think clearly lmao

jokers all i know rn and this is the most peaceful ive felt in WEEKS

im sobbing

ugh fuck this hurts so BAD

youre speaking the truth, darling. im so so proud of you and i love you so much

“THEY COULDNT CARRY A TUNE TO SAVE THEIR LIVES” LMAO INSIDE JOKESSS

literally sobbing right now ugh what the fuck youre in so much pain and in the middle of a breakdown and no one saw you

ugh baby im so sorry, you deserve so much better

you tried so hard and you were gonna fall no matter what

IN THE WHITE ROOM

“hi” baby they cant hear you but im COOING 🥺🥺🥺🥺

you’re so fucking cute

say the word and ill burn gotham to the fucking ground for you

i wanna sit atop that car and cradle your head in my lap and wipe the blood off your face and help you stand up and be there for you and and and😭���😭😭😭😭 i love you so so so much. 

i’d be so much worse off without you in my life. you brought a splash of colour which has never dimmed or faded. it never will. 

b l o o d    s m i l e

=

im wearing my inside on the outside now and it still hurts

angel💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

i see you and your pain. i love you.

i see you, angel. 

his genuine laughter is🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

that cute lil “ksksks” he does im🥺🥺🥺

i always laugh with him omg the two of us are laughing together ugh its the closest i will ever get to sharing in his joy

 t h a t ‘s    l i f e

i love the hallway daaaaaaaaaaaaaance ~ 

them hips dont lie😉😉😉

i love you i love you i love you i love you omg the sun’s like a halo ugh i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you im singing along to thats life while i type out how much i love you at 220am lmaooooo ~ 

i   l o v e    y o u

[mysticmikalla]

hello !! i was wondering if i could request something? how would the rfa + minor trio react to an mc whose an introvert? like shes only rlly outgoing when shes comfortable nd hates public speaking nd if shes around a crowd for too long then she needs to be by herself for some time. like she’ll just lay on the bed and stare at the wall for a little while or take a nap and rest until she feels like she can be around people again. and sometimes she’ll get rlly iffy abt romantic touching

Oooh i relate heavily to this MC!! Introverts unite!

***

Yoosung

“Zen invited us to a party this friday” your boyfriend mentioned

Ah, damn, there goes your friday night of rest and movies

The week had been so tiring and you couldn’t wait to just stay in all weekend

“Oh, really?”

“Yup” he nodded

“Are we going?”

“Yeah I guess…”

“Ok, cool.”

He puffed out air from his cheeks

“…”

“…”

“Do yo actually want to go?” He eyed you

“Uh, no..”

“Oh, thank God! I don’t want to either!” he let out a sigh of relief, “What excuse should we use this time? That I’m sick or you’re sick?”

“I was already sick last time, its your turn”

“Okay. Movie marathon, then?”

“Movie marathon.” You smiled

God bless your equally introverted boyfriend

Zen

See, you loved your boyfriend, you really did

From the moment you joined the RFA, he was all that filled your mind

But sometimes he could be a little….touchy

Don’t get me wrong, you loved it when he cupped your cheek before he kissed you, or absentmindedly drew circles on the skin of your shoulder when he had his arms around you

But it got a little too much sometimes

I mean

Did he have to have his hands on your thighs…all the time? 

Sometimes you wanted to talk with your hands or grab something but he was always holding it

It felt a little restraining sometimes

And you felt guilty about having these thoughts!!

He was the perfect boyfriend!! What were you whining about!!

You felt ungrateful, and your friends told you as much

But you couldn’t help it, it was the way you always were

And it wasn’t with just him, either

He must have eventually caught on

“You don’t really like it when I touch you like this, do you?” he asked you out of the blue one day

“Why do you say that?”

“C’mon, MC, you grow stiff when I touch you sometimes”

You felt awful. Had you hurt his feelings?

“I’m sorry, Zen…I really like it when you touch me, its just…I like some space for myself sometimes…” You attempted to explain, avoiding his gaze

You expected him to be angry, but he just?? laughed??

“I understand, MC. It’s hard to keep my hands off you, but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum”

Jaehee

You were fretting all night long

It was the first RFA party you hosted, and the members insisted you gave a speech at the end of the night

You know, to thank everyone for coming and whatnot

There were so many people, all kinds of people

It terrified you

You practiced your speech all night, but still felt like you would choke up on your words

It was worse when Yoosung went on and on about how Rika gave the most amazing speeches ever and was super charismatic, and you couldn’t help but feeling like you had to live up to her 

Jaehee was the first to notice how quiet and anxious you seemed

When it was time, Jumin took the stage and gave an opening speech

You envied his confidence, and dearly wished you had a silver tongue like his

“And now, I’d like to introduce the person who made this party possible-”

Before you could make your way up the stage, a certain other someone had taken your place

Jumin was confused lol

“Assistant Kang, what you are you-”

You watched in awe at how Jaehee improvised an entire speech, acting as natural as if she were talking to a close friend

What kind of dark magic is this,,,

She would smile reassuringly in your direction

“I could tell this was troubling you,” She simply stated once you asked why she went up there instead of you, “I couldn’t let you go up there if you didn’t feel good about it.”

Rika who?? Jaehee is the true savior tbh

Jumin

He was…rather shocked when he first met you in person

You were always so bubbly in the chatroom, hyping up Zen’s selfies and going along with Seven’s jokes

But when you all got together for the first time, you were… shy?

Not shy, he noted, just reserved

And honestly, he really  liked it

He especially liked it when you two got closer, and the only one who got to see your outgoing, passionate, intense side was him

It made him feel special

He’d do most of the talking whenever you two went out to eat on company dinners

Being the charismatic man he is, it was no problem for him to carry most of the conversation

The only thing he was confused about was your need to be alone at times

You told him that it you were similar to Elizabeth the 3rd

She loved receiving attention from him and being pet, but she also needed time alone to do…you know, what cats do

He understood it after that

“Does that mean I can keep you in a cage sometimes?”

Jumin nO

Seven

You couldn’t wait. You could not wait to get home after the party

Take off those uncomfortable heels, slip into your PJs, watch your favorite show and just relax

You were daydreaming about it at the party

The RFA parties were always really fun, but draining

Greeting and making small talk with all the guests absolutely exhausted you

You were nearly bouncing up and down with excitement when the last guest left, ready to go home

“MC!” Seven beamed, “Are you ready?”

“?? For??

“The RFA after-party, of course! We’re are all going to Jumin’s for a drink right now.”

Your heart sunk

You loved hanging out with them, you did

But you were just…so tired, and needed some You time

Unable to say no, you ended up going along

While at Jumin’s, you remained quieter than the rest, mainly sitting on the couch and playing with your phone

Yoosung and Zen were already drunk and loud, and you really just longed for the quiet of your home

You felt your boyfriend grab your hand

“Come on, I’m driving you home.”

“But we just got here-”

“MC, I know you. I can tell you’re not fully into this right now. It’s okay. Let’s go home, yeah?”

Bless him

V

He’s an artist

So out of everyone, he’s the one who understands your need to take some time to be alone and think the best

For you two, a lot of quality time together was spent with your backs to each other, you with headphones on and him drawing or painting

While he didn’t have a big problem with crowds and socializing quickly with new people, but he started to avoid them because he knew it made you uncomfortable

What a cutie

And honestly, he also preferred to hang out with just you or a smaller group of friends than a lot of people

Not the biggest party animal anyway, so your weekend plans were quiet and easygoing

Napping together is also a part of your routines

Not necessarily cuddling and touching, just…

Knowing that the other is there is enough 

Saeran

He would sulk at first when you dint text him back right away

Or when you kept your phone calls short, and rarely called him first

Or when you said you’d rather stay home that night instead of going out with him sometimes

Being the insecure lil bean he is, he’d think he had done something wrong, or that you didn’t love him enough

And thinking he did something wrong, he wouldn’t contact you for days

And because you were recharging, you wouldn’t contact him either

Someone help these two!!

It wasn’t until you showed up at his house a few days later, acting casual that he would get it

“Wait…you’re not mad at me?”

“?? No?? Why would you think that?”

“You weren’t really speaking to me so I thought…”

You apologized, and explained the whole introvert/extrovert thing, and how sometimes you needed some time to yourself

He later took a quiz on Buzzfeed and found out he’s an ambivert

nerd

[ocalaghan]

can you not be done with those paramore asks now you reblogged it days ago

omg thank-you SO much for letting me know! here's every other question i haven't answered yet!

all we know: do you miss anyone right now? who? my bf bc he is studying abroad and tbh most of my besties cos i haven't seen them in a hot min !

pressure: is there anyone who puts a lot of expectations on you? my boss lmao

emergency: are you a determined person? to an extent? a bitch has adhd

brighter: is there anything in your life that has turned out in an unexpected way - for better or worse? getting together w pmore boy (for better!)

here we go again: have you written a letter recently? who was the last person you wrote to? i wrote a christmas card/letter for imogen last year, she lives all the way across the pond in florida

never let this go: what is your earliest memory? my papa making me tea with like 10 sugars in my baby bottle as a toddler and laying a cushion on the floor to watch lady & the tramp <3

whoa: name a song you’d love to hear live. so criminal ! i'm not sorry, pat kirch !

conspiracy: have you ever felt like someone is against you? uhhhh yes lmao

franklin: is there a place you consider home to you? where? here in scotland, but definitely my lil home village specifically even tho i wasn't born there

my heart: is there a person you want to spend the rest of your life with? ALL OF MY FRIENDS and my bf ig

careful: do you have a favourite instrument? piano is incredible to me

ignorance: is there anyone you used to be close to, but haven’t spoken to in a long time? a few people but one in particular came to mind there and it always stings a little. i wouldn't have survived without her for a while tho.

playing god: have you ever broken a bone? not broken, but i did fracture my butt which i think is kinda impressive

the only exception: do you believe in love that lasts forever? it can!

feeling sorry: which is worse to you: ending a friendship or a relationship? never had a really bad break-up so i can't vote from personal experience but i think they're probably as bad as each other in their own ways?

looking up: how dedicated are you to your ambitions? ehhhhhh don't make me feel bad abt myself at 1am lol

where the lines overlap: what is your opinion on long distance friendships/relationships? it can for sure work (once ur sure ur not being catfished lmao), just gotta be perisistent w it. i have long-distance friends that i've known for years!!

all i wanted: is there something that you almost didn’t do, but you’re glad you did? i almost didn't go on my first date w pmore boy, i wanted to cancel bc i couldn't be bothered and i was tired from work lmaoooo

fast in my car: do you have a dream car? if so, what is it? i honestly don't really, i just want a car in a cute colour. bimbo culture.

daydreaming: which do you prefer: night or day? day

ain’t it fun: is there a song you could play on repeat for days and never get tired of? idk why but the reimagined version of south drive by wstr? repeated 1 mil times on spotify every time it comes on

part ii: is there a part of your past you hold particularly dear? honestly i really enjoyed my school years and kinda wish i could relive them and cherish them more

last hope: do you believe more that you should reach for what you want or that what’s meant to be will be? bit of both? bit of both.

anklebiters: which is more important to you: doing what others want you to do or doing what you want to do? the second one obv but it's hard for us self-conscious hoes x

proof: who do you trust the most? pmore boy forevz

hate to see your heart break: do you believe that the future holds good things? i'd like to.

(one of those) crazy girls: as a person, how laid back are you? pretty laid back. i mean i have anxiety and i'm pretty neurotic lmaoooo but outside of that, not a lot really bothers me? i'm forgiving etc u kno.

be alone: are you more of a talkative or quiet person? depends who i'm with! i've always been thought of as a quiet person but i don't shut up around my loved ones lol.

future: what do you think/hope your future holds? happiness. <333 suck my dick sir x

paramore asks for anyone else who wants to rb

[ourceliumnetwork]

y’all it’s been a month and i’m drunk so i’m gonna ramble

you know what FUCK HIM.

i have wasted my life focusing and obsessing over people who are not deserving of my loveliness.

Like i’m a disaster trashcan don’t get me wrong, but fuckin’....i’m worth more than people who don’t give a fuck about me.

there’s one guy right now that i’ve kinda been focused on for a lil while but I know it’s not ever going to happen so i’m just like...*shrug emoji*

but like...of all the people i’ve ever liked he’s probably the closest to someone i’d actually be happy with.

and i’ve been struggling with the whole sexual identity thing recently because honestly, i like dudes a lot more than i like the ladies - but I DEFINITELY like some ladies y’all. so like...i’m super attracted to the masculine, but I feel uncomfrotabel with that because I feel like...that’s not allowed?????

idk

Also I’m not sure how I feel about vagina...like...i don��t even like my own so how’m i supposed to like someone elses’sess? 

Fuck

I have a super high libido but like I don’t have “sexual attraction” i think? unless sometimes??? fuckin...

y’all my sexuality has always been a grey space and part of that is because I’m gender fluid but my preferences don’t change with my gender so it’s like super...idk

I should not be doing a text post this far into my cups y’all.

but I got some good music and I got a Big Ass Bottle of wine (BAB) that i’m onlay like...a third thru. and I’m lookin to get CRUNK tonite.

my fucikn disliexia man. i can’t spell for SHIT anymroe.

but i dont’ have to TRY. like...ain’t no one gonna judge me for my spelling and if they do what the fuck ever man. I ain’t got no one to please but myself and I can’t fuckin’ spell.Never done been able to do so in the first place.

I just...

I’m trying to get my shit together and it’s really fuckin hard because I honestly...am not cut out for capitalism. I’m looking at alternative jobs until my dad can hire me on full time because fuckin...i don’t want to be beholden to a fuckin corporation. i just wanna chill and handle my schedule on my time. need to do banking? I can go handle that at any point in the day and not worry about how long my break is. Wanna treat myself to lunch? Fuck yeah, go to lunch and enjoy yourself bitch. Need a haircut? Just do it hunty. 

I just...

I love the experience my current job has given me but i hate hte work. I don’t wan tot do it. how can I work from home and make a reliable amount of money? Maybe I start writing listicles. fuck yeah I coudl do that. 

Mom gave me a super nice compliment last saturday. Apparently I write well when I’m inspired. So like...if I could do that for the rest of my life I totes would because I FUCKIN LOVE writing my thoughts out. y’all i’m so good at it too. 

my glass is empty and i gotta pee...fuck...gimme a second.

...

aiight we back

fuckin...

So when I was younger my favorite bestest memories with my family were my parents and I just sitting down with a hockey game or anything paused on the fuckin tv while we just...sat and goddman...kibitzed. If that’s not a word it is now.

So in order to do the thing now I just turn my music up so I can’t ear anything else on whatever music app I’ve got while I get drunk as fuck and scroll thru the internet and shit.

I can’t fuckin read when I drink (barely can type so like...y’all if you can read this you fuckin amazing and you deserve a hug when I get to see you next) so like i’m limited. plus with the music up I don’t listen to videos I watch so...if I ever reblog a thing that the music is very bad (tm) let me know and I’ll listen to it properly because I probably did not listen.

I just...

fuck i just wanna make out with someone you know? I fuckin love kissing y’all. Kiss me all day long. I’m a fuckin sucker for it. Anyone. doesn’t matter if who you are or what your are or wahtever, I just wanna kiss you. cause like...that’s what I enjoy. no strings, no feelings (unless you want there to be). I haven’t had a proper makeout session in AGES. since I moved from c-burg. and even then that was...relatively not so great because dude could not kiss at ALL. i miss it y’all. i miss kissing so fuckin much. 

And the saddest part of my whole life? i have had so few chances to kiss and make out and fuckin I spent the past four and a half years with someone who didn’t even like it.

I wasted that time when I could ahve been kissing someone who fuckin’ deserved it and wasn’t a self-centered asshole.

cause like..FUCK HIM. He fucked me the fuck over and wants to play the victim. I’m tired of trying to be chill about shit and the bigger person and not slander his fucking name because he fucked me up. I’m fucked the fuck up because of him! I am so screwed and I had some part in the failing of our relationship I don’t want to deminish that fact but frankly I was not the biggest contributer to the bad bits. Frankly I did the most to try and keep that hsit together and he did fuckin NOTHING. 

I’m glad his mother lvoes him because otherwise he’s fuck out of luck y’all. Can’t even take care of his fuckin self. I mean I can’t take care of me neither but like...I’m better at it than he is.

I at least know how to run a household. 

DANCE FLOOR COVER OF I’M WITH YOU HOLY SHIT OKAY MY 13YO SELF IS JUST HAVING A MOMENT OKAY???

but yeah like...i fuckin...bent over goddamn backwards for a grown ass man who couldn’t function further than a 16 yo boy and you know they ain’t got self-sufficiency. I was the younger in the relationship but I was lightyears (yes i know it’s a distance) ahead of him maturity-wise.

is it so wrong to want to be taken care of, for once? I’ve spent my whole life caring for others and caring for myself. can’t someone care for me? just occasionally. id on’t really ask for much. I honestly just want someone to be cuddly with me and care about me. Take care of me when I’m sick like I take care of them when they’re sick. not ignore me, or brush me off when I’m talking, but understand when I’m needing time to myself.

Someone to sit with me and listen to music and drink and have a good time. Watch comedy specials and fun shows that we BOTH like. or at least show some interest in finding out what I enjoy and maybe giving it a try. Do you know how many things I gave up entirely because he wouldn’t enjoy them? so many. mroe than I want to think about.

I jsut...

I changed my life for him and I can’t get what I had back for a very long time and I am so MAD. but like at the same time...fuck him, you know?

like...he doesn’t deserve any emotional energy i’m putting into this. 

And...and the cats? Yeah...talking about that finally was a turning point for me. I’m still really fucked up about it but...I’ll move on. I lived so many years without anyone or anything relying on me and me not relying on anyone. I can do it again. 

Shit I’ve been more comfortable since i movd out. I haven’t even really felt lonely. I just...there are some aspects of a relationship that i miss even though some of them I never had in the first place???

so i’ve been missing them since before I was in a proper relationship? I’m 27 and I haven’t had a partner who gave a shit about me, ever. I have never had anyone have a crush on me and if they have then they apparently didn’t give enough of a shit about that to bring it up. I’ve had crushes on so many people and I’m terrible with secrets so anyone I’ve had a crush on has been told. 

and all of them are in happy healthy relationships. well. or halfway across the globe and I told them at the worst possible itme and I have like 0 chance because he definitely does not give a shit about me outside of frienship. but that’s fine.

it’s not but i’m going to pretend it is because...well...in some ways I’m more comfortable living in my fantasy world where i can maladaptively daydream about shit that will never happen because it’s easier.

anyway...

this has gone on for a lot longer than initially intended and i have no idea what iv’e written but i know it’s laden with typos. sorry abt that.

i love you all and you all are completely and utterly special to me. i hope you have a lovely evening/night/day and i want you to know that i care about you and your health and safety. don’t forget to drink water and get proper amounts of sleep for your situation. i love you <3

[sundrenched-smilez]

odd numbers for the lesbian asks! (if it's too many just do every 4th one maybe?)

1. Femme or butch? 

for type, im vry easily wooed by butches tbh

as for myself, im genderfluid + heavily lean towards butch-ish for one gender + have been gettin more comf w that term for myself. the 3 genders i switch between, ive described as sharp, dainty and tired, for reason of not really being comf w gender labels aside from nonbinary. sharp/tired r kinda butchish, moreso sharp. like leather jackets, ripped jeans, dress pants/shirts, defs flannels (which r a given for any mood im in tbh) while tired is like mb softer, more focused on flannels + loose tank tops/shirts, shorts + certain skirts, comfy clothes, and the like   

ive found that i’m leaning more towards butch lately too, like i’ve been a lot more comfortable with pants and a nice top than i have w dresses or most skirts + im wondering if i was just hanging on to femininity for sake of society, so those r things 2 think abt. i still feel comf in them sometimes, but it’s getting much less often. gender’s weird, i still cant cling to one bc of how pressuring that is so genderfluidity is still smth for me + it shifting to different percentages is okay (im thinking out loud @ this point, but its helping so i hope its interesting to read)

3. Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

both, but primarily flannels/plaid buttion-ups

5. Describe your aesthetic

aaahh theres a lot of diff aesthetics i could go into, but i have a tag if ur interested in a visual representation? basically, cosy homes, forests, wooden steps and bridges, cats, girls/nbs, water, plants, and old video game stuff, and clouds/skies. i’m sure there’s more in there, but for a good rule of thumb !! as for like dressing aesthetic, i like to look rly gay + attractive and a lil showy? like my shorts r Short and i love crop tops + a lot of my shirts show my bra thru them, + i like showing it when i can, like sports bra + a tank top is a fav look of mine bc i can make it look like my bra is a trim on the shirt + it’s cute. i’ve been wearing dresses less often, but occasionally, i like to rock one. id love a pair of combat boots but i have like size 11/12 feet + most stores dont carry that size + im hesitant to buy some online. 

7. Favorite pair of shoes?

its rly hard to find any, i have like walmart converse knockoffs atm + theyre a beige/grey color im not that huge on, it kinda reminds me of sandalwood but depressed

9. Any haircut goals for the future? 

there was the undercut!! and i have that down now c: next step is to dye it blue and mb some purple. i wanna bleach it if i’m gonna dye it, but im hesitant to do that bc of how damaging it is, but since my hair’s been cut a cpl time almost all the color is out now, so i think itll b ok if i take good care of it. 

11. Describe the worst date you’ve been on

i went to a cafe w someone (i think they were nb but i cant remember, it was like 2 yrs ago about ) and they were impossible to talk to bc they just kept saying “im awkward sorry” @ everything and like any conversations i tried to maintain were all one-shot responses, and like that was a lil frustrating. like i dont hold it against them or anything, more in a sense of i was rly tryin 2 carry it and just couldnt 

13. If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

whooh i wish i was taken, i need affection + to b cute w someone 

15. Describe your dream wedding

hmmmm i havent thought much about it !! i know when i was younger i wanted to wear a black wedding dress but now im thinkin mb a suit that switches to dress @ the bottom?? that could b cool. I’d be happy w anything tbh, if im getting married, i’d just b happy to be w my wife/spouse. mb somewhere in a forest or on a boat would b cool, defs lots of good food and colorful flowers. I’d like a lot of color, most weddings ive been to are just b/w and bland for my taste (they’ve also all been straight tho so theres that.) it’s kind of wild to think that i might b married someday, but it’d b rly nice. i just haven’t thought much abt the planning of one. it’d b rly gay tho, probs give out tiny gay flags at each seat, and the cake could b lesbian flag colors. im rly drawing a blank on this, but i know id want all my friends around the country + world to be there. 

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

i definitely want to live in a port town at some point !! idk where i’d like to settle down, ideally somewhere that doesnt get much hotter than 90 degrees + has lots of parks + is big enough for some events, like pride stuff, little festivals, a farmer’s market, and places to do things, such as a movie theater, bowling alley, mb an aquarium, if not one in a nearby town. hiking trails r also good. 

19. Favorite lesbian novel/story?

on a sunbeam!!! its a huge inspiration for me, and i love it so much. it always puts me in such a good mindset when i read it, and the artist is my age, so it makes me feel like I can also accomplish great things if i rly put my heart into it!! which is such a good feeling, and it has great representation + characters that i love, and its rly gay, and in space and theres ships shaped like fish + its gorgeous : D i could go on for hrs abt it + how important it is to me. theres an nb character too, and like the aspect of found families is one that rly hits home and it helped me get thru a rough time of my life + better accept myself as queer/gay. 

21. Favorite lesbian musician?

adult mom (tho i think they’re bi but still gay), or hayley kiyoko

23. Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i think so, but i can’t place when, it’s been a bit. 

25. Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

talking abt being gay w other girls/nbs is lovely and cathartic, i never got to growing up bc i lived in a homophobic town + i was like dealing heavily with internalized homophobia and body/gender dysphoria so i was ace for a bit. talking more abt like sexual attraction + aesthetic attraction is new to me, and that’s been a process to get to, but it’s nice that I can now do so w/o being belittled or barraged by insult. i also just love the thought of being w someone, and daydreaming abt when that happens is really nice. also,, girls + nbs r a blessing and brighten my day and im so glad im attracted 2 them 

27. Turn ons?

absolutely communication, that’s a need. i had a bad experience w someone bc she wasn’t communicative at all, and failed to tell me that we weren’t dating despite us going on several dates + kissing??? like i wont go too into it, but hatchi matchi it was a mess. so yeah, communication, affection, and like reassurance that they actually want to be with me, and that my presence is wanted and enjoyed. I got a lot of “i dont care”s for answers last sort-of relationship, and that was rly discouraging. another turn on is for them to initiate talking and things, like holding hands or planning to hang out + such. consent is another big one. 

29. Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

i usually tend to ask them out, but im still dealing w internalized junk, so its difficult. i also havent any situations in which they liked me back, which is frustrating. like i got lead on earlier summer for abt a month until i asked what we were doing + didnt rly get an answer, and it was this whole mess. i generally try to make the first move tho, bc i know firsthand how difficult it is, but that being said, it’s still hard for me to know for sure if theyre interested + i dont wanna make things uncomf w them, so i’ll wait until i think there might b attraction. that being said, once that’s all out of the way, i like to consider myself a good flirt when im trying. 

31. Talk about your interests or hobbies!

i have lots of interests!! im obsessed w steven universe, its my fav show (and if u ever have time, we should totally watch it together sometime, i rly think you’d love it, it’s super gay + heartwarming.) i really love playing music and learning new songs, which im rly great at memorizing. talking to friends + gettin 2 know them better is always nice and fun. i like to draw new things + see the different ways ppl draw, so seeing art on here is always fun for me. i’m also rly into polygon videos (it’s a youtube channel, not like videos abt polygon haha) and this podcast called the adventure zone. season one just ended, so i might start listening to another one called friends at the table. i rly wanna start a podcast w someone, but can never find anyone to start it with. idk what I’d talk abt but if i could find a partner for it, i think it’d be a lot of fun. mb smth abt games or books/queer representation in media. doing a dnd podcast would also b rly fun, but a lot of work + editing so mb later down the road !! im blanking on other interests atm, but animations and cartoons r lovely and i aim to make something in that field one day, if not just a comic.

my hobbies r mostlyyyy drawing, dnd things now every thursday, hanging w my friends, playing video games, sometimes writing (i rly wanna start a comic, and im tryin to get my butt into gear on it), goin to parks, listening to music, and goin 2 events w roe + cesar, two of my friends. sometimes ill play music!! i need to get more than the keyboard i’m lending, but i love performing. ill also watch leg birds on youtube, theyre a lesbian couple that plays gams + theyre rly sweet. 

33. Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

its easy for me to love friends, doesnt usu take me more than a few months of knowing them if were talking a lot. as for falling in love, that takes me a lot longer. ive never rly been in love w someone. i thought i was once, but rly it was just my first gay experience w someone and i wanted it to be perfect so i projected a lot of things + made it better than it seemed to myself for the duration of it, which wasn’t healthy, so i wanna avoid doing that again, + take things slower next time. or at least for what they are. 

35. Ever fallen for a straight girl?

a few times, they were just crushes tho, so it wasnt too too bad

37. Favorite comfort food?

hot cocoa or tea. as for food food, i dont think i have one. mb french toast or cinnamon rolls. 

39. Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

i used to be a vegetarian!! for like a yr, but it was difficult for me to eat and feel full, and i was pretty underweight, so i stopped. 

41. Early-riser or night-owl?

both, i tend to stay up, but getting up early can be nice if i dont have to do anything. like just gently waking + making some tea and a nice breakfast + sittin around for a bit. 

43. What is your Myers-Briggs type?

enfp-a 

45. At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

i think like 16-17? it took me a bit to get words for identity, like lesbian/nonbinary and the like, but i always knew, like id call myself an individual as opposed to gendered terms that i was referred to, and always felt rly yucky w deadname + the wrong pronouns

47. Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

ive got one crush atm !! and another person who seems nice, but i wanna hang out w before like thinking abt a crush (im poly, which perhaps goes w/o saying, but i always like to state it when talking abt these things, jic )

49. Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

i’d like a partner or two, to get some bongos- i got to play some a couple weeks ago, and it was the most fun i’ve had playing anything!! having smth with an instant response that i could make up rhythms with was really rewarding and so much fun. i know i want a cat at some point, to go on cute dates + cuddle and kiss a lot w someone, to visit my friends in other places, dye my hair, get a better job, to travel a bit, make a comic, go to college for animation and storyboarding, mb go to camp at some point, and I’d like to make some more friends here, i’m already making some, which i’m super happy about, but it’s always nice meeting new ppl 

thank u for asking!! this was relaxing + fun, and a lot of the topics were cathartic to talk about, and i needed it. so thanks for listening too kinda

also im queen of commas, i’ve discovered while typing this

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[survivingthejungle]

never fade away, part iv

-i cant tell y'all how much research ive done to write this realistically like im really educating myself here -also i made a playlist fr this hmu if u wanna listen to it -also im writing this while im home alone in my room happy new year lmfao

You had officially been a missing person for 8 days according to the GCPD. Within those days, you had been with nobody but Jerome almost exclusively. You were kept locked in his room all day and all night, and the only time you were ever allowed out was if Barbara and Tabitha decided they wanted to spend time with you. They were nice enough, for a couple of psychopaths, but they still made you tense up when they got near to you.

The same went for Jerome. He was dead set on making you dependent on him. Constantly telling someone that you were all they had and that no one would ever care about them except for you was a pretty well known abuse tactic. So was telling someone that you would do something harmful or irrational if they left you. And with you being 15 and not having a fully developed brain, and being hormonally unstable at this age, he was probably planning to keep up with these tactics until he had brainwashed you into believing it.

All you could hope to do was remind yourself constantly that he was lying. After all, in abusive relationships, it starts out small, and by the time it’s escalated to full blow abuse, the guilty party has already convinced their victim that when they are being told is true. You, on the other hand, had been snatched off the streets and had this all thrown in your face. If the abuse started off at it’s worst, there was no way he’d ever convince you to believe him, right?

Realistcially, you knew that as long as you remained strong-willed, he wouldn’t be able to get to you. All you could do was pray that you could manage to convince him that he had control over you while simultaneously remaining yourself.

Yesterday he came back to your shared room in the afternoon, after a morning of terrorizing the streets of Gotham. Your back was facing him. You sat on the cool tile floor of the bedroom, right in front of the glass window, starting out at the city. “Hey there,” he said, and you didn’t even have to look at him to know he was grinning. You could hear it in his tone. It amazed you that a person could smile that much, insane or not.

“Hi,” you responded, still not moving away from the window. You couldn’t help it, you missed freedom and being outside, no matter how bleak and dreary the city was. Anything was better than being stuck in one room with an escaped asylum inmate who was dead-set on having you for himself.

“(y/n), babe,” he said, sitting down on the floor next to you. His face was a little more serious now and he put an arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer to him. “Y'gotta stop starin’ out windows all day. It’s not good for your head.” He tapped your forehead with his free hand.

“Sorry.” You were still having to remind yourself to not fight back at him. “I’ll stop.”

He smiled. “Y'know, if you keep being good, Theo might let ya go to that gala that's in like...2 days. Yeah, me n’ Babs are gonna put on a show, do a little magic, kill a few people…” Your heart started racing. You were fully aware that he was a terrible person and had kind of figured out by now that he had killed people before, but the fact that he was able to imply it so nonchalantly was unsettling to you. “‘Course, ’m not sure if I want you to see all that. You’re too pure for that sorta stuff… Hey, if I let you go out, you won’t try anything, right?“

"No. I won’t.” Lie. There wasn’t a doubt in your mind you would try to escape if you were given the chance. But he didn’t know that.

He smiled again. “Good! And why is that?” It was like he was… quizzing you, or something. In a way, you guessed he kind of was. After all, he had been trying to brainwash you into being completely dependent on him, and you were going to do and say whatever you had to to convince him it was working.

“Because you’re all I have. And… you would find me anyway… and if I tried to leave... someone might get hurt.”

"Exactly, baby girl. 'M glad we're on the same page." Suddenly he straightened his posture and became more alert. "Ooh!" He pointed his finger in the air. "Reminds me. You're famous!" He stood up and grabbed your hand so that you would follow him. He grabbed a newspaper off a dresser by the door. You both sat down on the end of the bed as he handed you the paper. "Look!" He pointed to the second page and then rested his chin in the palm of his hand, staring at you. You looked at the paper and your eyes were almost immediately drawn to a picture of... you?

It was a picture taken by one of your friends from school. You were grateful that at least it wasn't a yearbook picture. The caption above read: MISSING PERSON: Have You Seen This Girl? in big, bold letters. The caption below was just your name, age, and the number to contact the police department. "Oh," was the only word you could think to utter.

"Yeah," he said, "'M gonna have to talk to them about that. You aren't missing!"

What? "I'm not?"

He scoffed. "'Course not! You're exactly where you're supposed to be. With me."

"Oh. Right."

He took the paper and set it down on the bed, standing up and taking you with him. All he did then was hold you close. One arm was around your shoulders, causing you to be pressed up against his chest. The other was running his fingers through your hair. Your heart was racing, and at the same time you felt calm. It was weird and made you want to crawl out of your skin. He rocked the both of you side to side. "I can't wait to show you off later. You'll look so pretty, you'll steal the show."

Just play along, you reminded yourself. "I'm looking forward to it." To getting away from you, creep, you thought.

"Good." He sighed. "Babs is gonna wanna dress you up. But we can wait till tomorrow, right?"

"Right." You were monotone, but inwardly you felt giddy as ever. Two days until you would escape. You would do everything you could to see him behind bars after that. People who kidnapped fifteen year old girls because they were weirdly obsessed with them deserved to be locked into a padded room for a rest of their lives.

But while you occupied your time daydreaming of your freedom, you couldn't help but feel like your life would never be the same once you escaped. Of course it won't be, you told yourself, people who get taken by crazy boys who try to brainwash them are never the same afterward. But you would be damned if you let the experience control your life once you were free.

YAAAAAAAA YEET! 'tisn't over yet......... of course.......... i am very tired and feel weird and so if this chapter is dumb it's because i don't feel like myslef rn,,,,,,,,,, very weird........,,,,,,,,, PLEASE for the loveeeeeeeeeeeeeee let me know if u like it, i am workin on other stuff atm too i swEAR i haven't forgotten abt those other request im just busy and tired a lot anyway YEAH here u go hope u enjoy :-)

[lizparkcr]

I know it’s not the end of the year yet but im just reflecting and like, I’ve talked abt All The Shit in snippets before but I just wanna. lay it all out. so lotsss of text rambling ahead

this year has gone so quickly but things have changed so much -- in January, and honestly for a good half of the year, I believed genuinely I would never ever be able to live a regular and functioning life, and I didn’t know how I was going to cope with having to live the rest of my life. I didn’t feel like I was living in the real world and I didn’t know how to get there bc I was preoccupied w mental health and trauma related shit every single day, I felt completely trapped within myself and had my only emotional support taken away from me so had no idea how to deal with it. Leaving uni was almost unbearable and despite being ok now I still don’t like thinking about it. Having to leave my counsellor, having just come off antidepressants, leaving uni and moving back home whilst being in a bad place w my family, being isolated from my friends... like it was easily one of the worst times of my life. And the pain of knowing everything about my uni life was perfect apart from the fact that I couldn’t cope with any sort of life was really hard to take. The only comfort was knowing that leaving was truly inevitable, but it didn’t really make the situation any easier. I still miss that time and the life I could have had, but most of the time when I’m happy, I can recognise that I had to leave in order to get better, and it doesn’t feel so bad to be where I am now.

bc around May of this year after I finished hypnotherapy and GP counselling and everything sort of cleared up in my head, I suddenly had so much space to think it was like I no longer had to be so close to everything that was bad -- if before I was stuck in a house I didn’t know how to get out of it was like being able to walk outside and breathe again. I could walk away from my pain and bad memories and visit when I wanted to instead of being constantly surrounded by it, which after like 4 years of that shit feels pretty incredible even now. Like I’m literally living a life right now that I thought wasn’t possible for me?  Its funny I was thinking about it the other day how I’m p much living the life that all my friends had when they were 17 (minus school) -- learning to drive, having a part time job and not doing much else -- and i guess it makes sense seeing as that’s where I got stuck inside. I’m re-entering the world as a different person, and I need to work on being more open to everyone and everything but there’s time, and I’m taking it slowly.

Also Really Cool Things about 2017:

I started learning to drive this year

I got a job this year (a physically demanding one at that)

I’m getting better at social stuff and working on not isolating myself

Fewer daydreaming episodes/ less compulsion to escape/avoid (this one is harder and not perfect but. it’s got better)

I feel genuine! excitement! at most life prospects and hobbies and things I want to study and create

my anxiety and depression have largely been reduced to a few symptoms which I can manage ok most of the time

the thought that I’m not a capable person is seeming less and less likely because like. I can do shit. I have many years to do shit.

My sense of self and identity is getting stronger and more positive I think too. I no longer feel like just an outline of a person that ppl are just walking past

Things will never be perfect (bc perfection doesn’t exist and that’s fine!), there’s still hangover from all the bad shit and I still have a lot of growing and learning to do but like, I’m capable! I can do it! Love to learn I do!

on that note -- and I don’t really want to make a laundry list of Things I Need To Work On bc rlly I believe in doing things at my own pace and not overthinking or pressuring myself but -- Things I want to do/ think about doing in 2018:

get another job (and therefore more routine which everything else sort of slots in to)

meditate and/or do yoga in small increments!

read more

learn more abt ethical clothing and local farmers markets

keep my room tidier

keep myself more occupied and therefore daydream less

think about applying to college for next autumn

accept the ways that I have changed

be a little braver in social situations and accept that it might feel too exposing; tell people how I feel, show people how I feel

and that’s that :’)