#day seventeen: touch starved

[wheeboo]

seventeen acting clingy around their s/o

PAIRING. seventeen (o13) x gn!reader GENRE. fluff, established relationship, headcanons WARNINGS. terms of endearment, mentions of kissing WORD COUNT. 1.04k

requested by anon: hi hi i’m a fairly new follower n i jus saw that ur reqs are open !! i hope im not too late ^^; but anyway, how would svt act whenever they feel clingy and needy towards their s/o? hehe ty and i lov u 🫶

notes: hehe i hope this is good!

choi seungcheol

his eyes and pout are literally following whatever direction you walk. waits on the bed with his hoodie on while you are cruising in and out of the room to grab something or put your laundry away. is slowly melting into the bed waiting for you to notice him and when you FINALLY walk back in the room asking to use his charger, he’ll be pulling you into his arms just muttering “stay with me, pleaseeee. I’ve missed you,” in your ears n you just gotta give in because he misses you sm 

yoon jeonghan

always has some type of limb on you. you both can be sitting on the couch together and he keeps glancing at you while you’re watching the tv. trails a hand onto yours or grabs it so he could play with your fingers in his lap. really wants to cuddle but he won’t ever admit that cuz he’s a freakin tease ofc. you look at him grazing his finger against your palm, and then he gets all soft seeing you and opens his arms, just wanting you to hold you and you prob both end up falling asleep on the couch together

joshua hong

backhugs!!! backhugs!!!! anytime i think of joshua i just think of backhugs for some reason lmao. he loves backhugging you in general but gets extra clingy after having not seen you for a while. maybe you’re cooking and he comes up behind and wraps his arms around you, or doing your skincare and he hugs you while admiring your bare face in the mirror, whispering a lil “I’ve missed you, sweetheart~” 

wen junhui

tries to make you smile and laugh by saying these cringey and cute pick-up lines like “can I borrow a cuddle? I promise I’ll give it back” and even makes himself cringe. you just roll your eyes to his nonsense but end up cuddling with him anyway. makes you be the big spoon because he just loves the feeling of your arms around him. you can prob catch the smile forming to his face despite half the pillow covering it

kwon soonyoung

um you’re not escaping him. whenever he feels clingy or needy he’s (gently, well he tries to be) tackling you to the bed or couch because he misses you like the world is ending and never fails to remind you of that. like he’s literally locking all of his limbs around you like a pretzel lmfao i’m sorry. constantly telling you how much he misses you, peppering kisses to whatever sort of skin is available to him. yeah he’s not letting go of you

jeon wonwoo

never the type to appear being clingy (mainly in private tho), usually waiting for you to do the first move instead of him. but maybe he’s particularly touch-starved after a long day and when he joins you in bed and you aren’t asleep yet, you feel his arms practically scoop you up into his embrace, surprising you. you’d ask if everything was okay, and he just mumbles something along the lines of, “yeah, just want to hold you” before nuzzling his face in your neck

lee jihoon

literally laying right next to you on the bed just contemplating his entire life’s worth of decisions if he could just simply ASK to cuddle you. gets red at the thought of it because you both normally don’t cuddle alot. turns on his side to be able to face you, and whenever he gets the courage, he asks quietly, “do you want to cuddle...?” and you peer at him surprised, before replying, “you know you don’t have to ask permission”

xu minghao

is unusually quiet, but this type of quietness along with him staring at you with those tired eyes- yeah, he really wants to cuddle you or just be near you. just wants to wrap his arms around you with his head on top of yours or on your shoulder, kinda falling asleep but also trying to pay attention to whatever book you’re reading or scrolling on your phone. at some point you both fall asleep together

kim mingyu

is already clingy asf around you, like backhugs, neck kisses, picking you up off the ground randomly you name it. is it possible for someone to become more puppy than a puppy? gets all whiny whenever you playfully reject his affection, but best believe you won’t get far from the bed before he’s pulling you back into his arms, not satisfied until he’s basically encased you like a burrito

lee seokmin

oh he brightens up like the damn sun. he’s already clingy but in more smaller gestures like wanting to hold your hand all the time, playing with your hair, cupping your cheeks in his hands and telling you how cute you are. if he’s feeling needy and been waiting to be in your arms the entire day, he would def be the type to might initiate a lil tickle fight for the promise of cuddles later on and who will become the big/little spoon

boo seungkwan

becomes your certified baby literally. taps and pokes at your arms, plays with your ears, grabbing your hands and twiddling with your fingers. he’s doing that all with a pout to his face cuz he thinks it’s a bit ridiculous to straight up ask for cuddles. becomes so giddy whenever you pat the bed/couch for him to come closer, wrapping his arms around you and resting his head on your shoulder

vernon chwe

is also quiet about it. the type to rest his head in your lap upon coming home from a tired day, slowly turning into an unacknowledged cuddling session on the bed where you both are like doing your own thing while also having your arms or legs wrapped around each other. honestly this type of stuff doesn’t really need words from the both of you, it kinda just happens naturally

lee chan

kinda just throws himself onto you. not in an aggressive way, but he spots you on the couch or bed and lets himself fall into your arms like a trust fall except you don’t fully catch him cuz he ends up on top of you with you falling with him. becomes your own personal blanket in a way as he mutters about his day and complains about how much the members bullied him throughout practice into your neck and how much he missed you

taglist (open) ʚɞ @enhazen @haowrld @ylliris-hanniehae @icyminghao @slytherinshua @jeonride @lockburn-castle

[wqnwoos]

seventeen & touch-starved s/o (hhu ver.)

an / entirely written for a friend of mine but here. also whoever is reading this i love u have a good day 💓💕💖💗💞💘💝💖💞💕💗

vocal unit ver.

SEUNGCHEOL.

bear hugs that are somehow simultaneously gentle but also tight

props his chin on your head/shoulder

murmurs in your ear a couple times to make sure you’re alright

“hello?”

“hi,” you say softly into the phone. “um. it’s me.”

you can hear the smile in your boyfriend’s voice when he replies. “hi, baby. everything okay?”

“yeah!” you respond, too quickly with a voice pitched slightly too high. “everything’s fine! just… gonna go to bed now, i think.”

“i’m on my way home right now.” cheol answers the unasked question with ease. “don’t worry, baby, you’ll get your cuddles.”

which is why he’s unsurprised when you’re waiting by the door the moment he arrives home, clad in your pyjamas with a freshly-washed face, flinging your arms around his neck the moment he crosses the threshold.

WONWOO.

will quite literally let u do anything

most patient man fr

his hands, his hair, his thigh — it’s free real estate (but only for you)

it’s nearing 1 in the morning when you start missing wonwoo’s touch.

he’s not far, just on soonyoung’s couch. dinner had turned quickly into drinking games — you’d sat out, instead volunteering to clean the kitchen with vernon and jihoon. which was nice and fun and whatever, but as you sidle up to where wonwoo’s sitting on the sofa, you feel the sudden intense urge to just… cling.

that’s how you end up next to him, with his large hands in yours, you fiddling with his fingers, tracing his palm lines — comparing hand sizes and stroking his knuckles. he doesn’t even flinch, just listening to jeonghan’s story and nodding in all the right places; at some point, he even raises your joined hands to his lips and brushes a kiss over your knuckles, leaving you blushing with the slightest smirk tilting his lips.

MINGYU.

will drop everything to give you the hugs that you need and deserve (and i mean EVERYTHING)

good luck trying to get him to let go

the things i’d do to be hugged by him… those arms probably feel like the safest place in the world

it’s been one of those days — long and tiring and just wrong. which is why when mingyu hugs you in greeting as you step inside, it takes you all of two seconds to burst into tears.

“baby? are you — oh, sweetheart,” he gasps, as you start to shake into his chest. “don’t cry. c’mere. my baby, what is it? what happened?”

you can’t do anything but blubber helplessly, but he doesn’t mind in the slightest, pressing loving kisses everywhere he can reach. his arms stay around you the entire time, as he guides you to the couch, pulls you into his lap and soothes you with gentle touches and quiet murmurs. before he eventually starts cracking jokes — “i’ll buy out your company and never make you work again, if you want.” — and ordering your favourite takeout.

VERNON.

lets you do anything to him (2)

he’s so funny i feel like sometimes he’s just calling you dude but also he might just come out with the smoothest shit right when you don’t expect it

probably fiddles with your hair when he hold you

“vernon?”

“mm?” he glances up from him phone to find you standing in the doorway of the bedroom with round, pleading eyes. he knows immediately that you want something, and also knows immediately that he’ll grant you whatever it is. he always does, when you look at him like that.

you hesitate. “can i get a hug?”

as if he’d ever deny you that. he slides off the bed in one fluid motion, opening his arms and dropping his phone. “of course. come here.”

about a minute later, he attempts a pull away — you whine and tighten your arms, speaking into his shirt with a muffled plea. “just — a little longer? please?”

“as long as you want. i’ve got all day for you, baby.”

[wifeyoozi]

hiiii!!!! i adore your works and love reading them!! 🫶🏻 while scrolling through your profile i saw that your requests for ot13 were open! :) so i thought maybe i could request ot13 reaction to a s/o with tattoos? (doesn't have to be a full sleeve for example, just tattoos in general)

or if you're not really feeling it, maybe ot13 reaction to a s/o with physical touch as their love language? 🫣

i hope you're having a nice day / night and keep up the good work!! 💘

ot13 seventeen : when your love language is physical touch

ceecee's note : sorry for late post lol and also I'm doing the second prompt not cuz I'm uncomfy with tattoos in fact I have two myself but I just find the second one really fluffy tho if you want me to do another one with the first prompt too, you can ask again and I would love writing about it too <33

seungcheol : he's really clingy himself, so he loves that you show your love to him by constantly hugging him and cuddling with him. when not in front of camera, the two of your really look like those teddy bears who hug each other and have been stitchd at their hands so they can literally not be separated from each other. like two koalas.

jeonghan : doesn't respond to you clinging on him very actively like seungcheol but everytime you hug him, he'll automatically hug back and when you are just touch starved, he'll come and plop his head on your lap so you can touch him and hug him and cuddle him all you want.

joshua : my gentleman. not the one to usually start physical contactbut really loves when you do and responds with almost the same energy. loves having you in his arms and keeping you warm all the time.

junhui : secretly very cuddly. doesn't show it a lot at the start of your relationship. now he'll pout every second you are not physically in contact with him and is just as much of a cuddle bear as you are.

soonyoung : he also naturally has physical-touch as his love language. he is more often clinging on you that you on him and literally loves when you two are hugging so close there is not even space for vacuum between you two, cheeks squishing against each other.

wonwoo : physical affection isnt his love language but he loves being the recipient of it. there are very less people he is as comfortable to be so close and touchy with and you are one of them. he really loves having you cling onto him like you are a koala and he is your tree branch

woozi : he rarely responds to you cuddling to him always, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love it. he really loves it. he actually feels so loved and appreciated the way you are always holding on him. on rare occasions like when he is tired or just full of love for you, he'll initiate physical touch by hugging you close and clinging to you instead.

minghao : doesn't show on surface to others how much he loves having you constantly bother him with hugs and cuddles and touches but you do know that he really enjoys that just by how he looks at you and smiles at you and always has a loose yet firm hand resting on your hips or back everytime you are by his side.

mingyu : this big baby literally feels so happy every time you cling to him. though physical touch isn't his primary love lang, its definitely one of them. literally greets you with bone-crushing hugs everytime and is peppering you with kisses whenever you cuddle beside him.

seokmin : he loves whenever you are constantly touching him. loves seeing you smile when you hug him and breath full of his scent. hugs you every chance he gets because he knows how much you like it. would never push you off him or even tell you so whenever you are hugging or cuddling him, even if he gets slightly uncomfortable or his arm dies under the weight of your head.

seungkwan : all he really needs after the long day of work is being hugged full by you. it just so helps that you love doing so. literally relaxes under your touch every time, just increasing you urge to keep him close all the time. if you let go of him even momentarily, he'll get so sulky.

vernon : he isn't one to start physical touch by himself either, but is always really comfortable when you do so. doesn't even realsie when he wraps his arms around you and rests his head on top of yours while cuddling. just loves you being in his space when he loves you.

chan : he's the kind who keeps changing his love language to match his partner's. your love language is physical touch? well now so is his! literally matches your energy in cuddliness and touchiness all the time. will hold you close and tight all the time and kiss you all the time because he knows how much you love it.

[fairyhaos]

how seventeen hug their s/o

requested by anon : "Hi! If you are still accepting requests (I'm literally so scared that I've read it wrong) can I request how svt would hold you or cuddle you? Something like that? I'm feeling very soft (and a little touch starved ahaha). Sorry if I've misread!!"

notes: this turned into what kind of hugs svt give their s/o which is kind of the same thing, but a little to the left (?) enjoy anyways haha <3

masterlist

seungcheol

hugs where he wraps you in his arms and pulls you into his lap. when you want a hug, you want to feel safe and protected, and this is something he's found out through late night talks with you and tearful breakdowns where you finally admit what you really want. his arms are fully around you, keeping you in his embrace, and you're all curled up in his lap and it's the safest place you can be, surrounded by seungcheol and his sturdiness and his reassurance. he keeps you there for as long as you need, letting you fall asleep in his arms before he too dozens off, cheek against the top of your head

jeonghan

hugs where you curl up really small and feel warm. whenever you've had a bad day and appear in the doorway of whatever room jeonghan is staying in, he'll look up at you and smile, opening his arms and allowing you to run to his side almost immediately. he wraps one arm around your shoulders, the other around your waist, pulling you into his side, your head tucked under his chin and ear against his chest. you're bent over double, knees pressed into his side, but in this way you can hear his steady heartbeat and feel his warmth encompassing you. 

joshua

hugs that are the softest things in the world. joshua gives hugs often, side hugs and brief hugs and celebratory hugs where you pull away after a few seconds. but when you need a hug, need to feel his arms around you, he smiles and his eyes soften and he pulls you towards him almost delicately, one arm around your torso and the other cupping your nape as he cradles the back of your head and guides you to hide into the crook of his neck. it's gentle, soft, sweet in the way only joshua can be, before his fingers find your sides and he starts tickling you until you're laughing and screaming and completely having forgotten your sadness from earlier

junhui

hugs that feel like being on top of the world. his hugs are almost unintentionally romantic, where he either holds you delicately or wraps you completely into his warmth and his scent so you feel like burrowing into his neck and staying there forever. he's always willing with his hugs, albeit a little surprised most of the time, where his eyes widen as you tap him on the shoulder before his face lights up and melts all at once before he's immediately wrapping a hand around your wrist and pulling you against his chest, laughing and wrapping his arms around you and hugging you in just the way that you needed in that moment to feel like everything would he okay

hoshi

hugs that knock the wind out of you and knock the love into you all at once. he hugs with his entire being, with everything he has, and soonyoung's being is something that's incredibly all-encompassing and incredibly comforting to fall into. he hugs you in a way that makes the rest of the world fall away, as he hugs you tight against his chest and rocks you back and forth, making nonsense noises or spewing compliments or simply laughing and rubbing his cheek against the top of your head. he's sweet with his hugs, sweet and bright, and make you well and truly feel all of the love he holds for you

wonwoo

hugs that feel like coming home. wonwoo has some sort of inherent ability to be able tell when you want a hug even before you realise yourself. he'll silently come into your room while you're working yourself up into a meltdown at your desk, and he'll just envelop you in his lavender scent and his soft sweater, chin resting against your shoulder, arms around your neck, his voice nothing more than a low rumble in your ear. he doesn't have to say anything, and his presence alone is enough to reassure you that he's here for you, that he knows you're going through something but he'll stay by your side, no matter what. 

woozi

hugs which make your heart swell and your head feel all light and giddy. woozi's hugs are quick affairs, and so, so rare, so it makes you smile widely every time they happen. he'll wrap an arm around your shoulders, pulling you into his side, squeezing your upper arm and kissing your temple lightly before letting you go, and it's all light touches and gentle warmth and his own pleased smile lifting his lips as he walks away, but it's the most beautiful thing ever and knowing that you're someone who he deems worthy of his hugs and his kisses? it's the most wonderful thing in the world. 

minghao

hugs where the whole world quietens and all that matters is the fact you're in his arms. he has delicate limbs, delicate touches, and as his arms wrap around you and you fall into his lap, his lips are a gentle pressure next to your ear and his fingers are light warmth that trace patterns along your back, all fluttering comfort and a promise of treating you as the most precious thing in the world. he holds you for as long as you need, keeping as silent as you desire, and there have been endless accounts of you falling asleep against his shoulder, and he's never offended, because the peace in your expression reassures him that he's helped you feel better

mingyu

bear hugs. hugs where he practically gathers you all up into his arms and holds you like he never wants to let you go, where he buries his face into your neck and presses soft kisses there before pulling away slightly to smile at you and then hugging you tighter once again. they're hugs that help you see that he's here, he's with you, he's real and he's not going away. mingyu is always so warm, and that makes him the best for hugs like this, where you can feel the love and warmth radiating off of him, both figuratively and literally. maybe it gets a little suffocating after a while, but neither of you are moving because it makes both of you feel so loved. 

dokyeom

hugs that sweep you off your feet. literally. he loves hugging you, loves showing you affection in all physical forms, and you've been a subject to his flying hugs multiple times, where he runs towards you and scoops you into his arms and spins you around until you're both laughing and your hands cradle his face and you lean down to press your lips together. he's always smiling, always beaming as bright as the sun, but when you're in his arms he's smiling impossibly wider, tightening his arms around you and wanting to make sure you feel how much you mean to him and how happy you make him. 

seungkwan

hugs that remind you that he loves you above all others. his hugs are always accompanied by a kiss on your cheek as he pulls away, and yeah he's gonna get teased by the others but it doesn't matter, because it's you, and they're all just jealous that he doesn't kiss them on the cheek. he's hugging you all the time, side hugs and back hugs and everything hugs where he hugs you with his entire being. he always lets go after a few moment, and he'll complain when you pull him back in, but he's laughing and his arms are wrapping around you once more and really, if he could have his way then he'd continue hugging you until the end of time

vernon

hugs where you simply lean into him and he becomes your support. hansol can tell when you're close to breaking point, where you feel like the whole world is going to collapse onto your shoulders, crushing you with its weight, and that's when he comes up to you, offering his shoulder, unflinching as you melt into him or collide into him, depending on how you feel. there's no other moment in which you'd let him hug you in this way. it's not even a proper hug: just your head in his shoulder, his arm around yours, but it feels so much more relaxing than any other hug. simply having him beside you, having him as your pillow and your pillar means everything to you. 

chan

hugs where it feels like he's trying to mould you into his being so you never have to leave. he hugs tightly, but also warmly, and you can almost feel the thumping of his heart in his chest because he's pulling you so close into him. they're hugs that ground you into reality, that remind you he loves you, that he is absolutely and utterly gone for you and wants you to never leave his side. they're hugs where he whispers the cheesiest things into your ear, all ticklish and adorable until it makes you burst out laughing and try to squirm out of his grasp until he hugs you even tighter, never planning to let you go. 

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[hoshifighting]

joshua as a sugar baby!

— WARNINGS: sugar mommy x sugar baby relationship, smut, oral (f. receiving), semi-public sex, edging, jealous sugar mommy, sweet and gentle babyboy joshua. — (Seventeen as Sugar Baby's Series)

joshua was unlike any sugar baby you’d had before—sweet, calm, and so damn perfect it almost pissed you off. but you couldn’t help it; you loved dressing him up like your little doll, choosing the finest clothes and watching as he wore them with that quiet confidence that drove you feverish. he never complained, not even once, and why would he? his only job was to keep you company, hit the gym, and look good doing it.

sometimes, when you were swamped with work, you’d pull up the security feed on your computer, pretending to check the cameras like any responsible ceo would. but really, your eyes were glued to joshua, watching as he swam leisurely in the pool, his lithe body cutting through the water with such grace. or the way he’d walk into his bedroom, only to find another bouquet of flowers on the bed, a note from you tucked inside. the way his face would light up, that shy smile making your heart squeeze—it was all the balance you needed from the chaos of your world.

at events, he was the perfect accessory, drawing the eyes of every woman in the room. “you’re so lucky,” they’d gush, eyes flicking from you to him. “he’s gorgeous and so well-mannered.”

your grip would tighten on his hand, jaw clenching as you tried to keep your composure. “i know,” you’d say, voice a little too tight, because the truth was, you hated how much you cared. how much you didn’t want to share him, even in the slightest.

joshua, the sweet thing, would just lower his head, a little smile playing on his lips. he knew exactly what he was doing, and he fucking loved it. seeing you get jealous was a rare treat for him, and he savored every second of it, loving how it made you just a bit more possessive, a bit more vulnerable around him.

despite all that, it took time before things got physical. joshua wasn’t in a rush—he genuinely loved just being around you, soaking up your presence. but the day you finally asked, the moment you let him know you wanted more, he didn’t hesitate.

he didn’t waste any time actually, pulling you close, his lips meeting yours in a kiss that was tender at first, testing, but quickly deepened when he felt you respond just as eagerly.

and that’s when you discovered something surprising about joshua—underneath that sweet, innocent exterior was a man who had a filthy, nasty side that he kept hidden away, just waiting for the right moment to show you.

he loved it when you took control, especially when you’d tie him down, your hands light-touching his nipples, as you rode him, the sound of skin against skin echoing in the room. but what really got him going, what made him absolutely lose it, was when you whispered the filthiest things in his ear, telling him exactly what you were going to do to him, how you were going to make him beg.

“you like that, baby?” you’d purr, your breath hot against his neck as you felt him shudder beneath you. “you like it when i take what’s mine?”

and he’d nod, breathless and desperate, his voice coming out in broken whimpers as you had your way with him. “yes, fuck, yes…”

but it wasn’t just dominance. joshua had a thing for risk, too. he loved it when you pushed him to the edge, doing things that felt almost wrong, like the way he’d go down on you in the back of your car, licking and sucking at you like a man starved, even as you told him to stop, that someone might see. but that only made him go harder, the thrill of getting caught making him harder than ever.

then there was the time you discovered how much he loved to be edged. you’d keep him right there, right on the brink of release, your wet hand wrapped around his cock as he begged you, pleaded with you to let him cum. but you wouldn’t, not until he was practically crying, his body trembling with need.

and when you finally let him have it, when you finally let him release, the way he’d moan, the way he’d cling to you like you were his lifeline, it was like nothing you’d ever experienced before, joshua was the prettiest baby boy, following your orders even though he couldn’t hold it anymore.

“fuck, y/n-ie,” he’d gasp, his voice ragged, his body still shaking as he came down from the high. “you’re going to ruin me.”

and you knew he meant it. because as sweet and calm as joshua was, as much as he tried to play the perfect sugar baby, you knew that underneath it all, he was just as addicted to you as you were to him.

[starrysaturdays]

28th july fic rec!

another month, another fic rec

Fragments of Us (94K) by ifiwasabluebird

When Harry's lost cell phone falls into the hands of a mysterious stranger, his life is thrown into chaos. As the stranger begins to infiltrate every aspect of his life, Harry's relationship with Louis is put on the line. With each threatening message, Harry realises that it's not just his privacy at stake, but his very life.

Caught in a deadly game of cat and mouse, Harry must race against time to uncover the stalker's identity and stop them before it's too late.

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Late Night Talking (53K) by kingsofeverything | @kingsofeverything

Louis Tomlinson has a new album coming out and a second world tour on the horizon. Promo season gets underway with a stop at Late Night Talking, the late night show hosted by Harry Styles, and Harry Styles just happens to be the man who blew a chance to date Louis a decade ago.

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Rewriting the Melody (26K) by LadyAJ_13 | @ladyaj-13

Louis doesn’t get put in One Direction. This time, the path to true love takes the long way round, including singing in toilet cubicles, fruit baskets, and long distance band counselling from someone who really doesn’t know what he’s doing, he just wants to keep talking to Harry.

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Heart Eyes (10K) by Snowy38

He fidgeted nervously, long fingers pushed through his soft fringe, fingertips lingering on the thick curls that he felt formed there. He hoped his hair looked okay. He hoped he looked okay.

He hoped-

“Oi oi!” Niall’s loud, Irish voice cut into the small space along with the loud chatter of the party; the door assumingly opened. He swallowed.

“Fuck off!” A northern accent complained; the sound of bodies wrestling before it went quiet again; the clunk of the lock confirming to him that his suitor was now locked inside.

Harry knew the voice. He knew. And if he hadn’t known the voice, he would have known the smoky, sweet scent of the boy before him. Seventeen years old, friends since they were eight, and they’d never been pushed into the kissing cupboard together before.

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Lend Me Your Hand (63K) by QuickedWeen | @becomeawendybird

Society has long since decided that the soulmarks everyone is born with are entirely unfashionable. They're just another way for people of a lower class to scam their way into marrying above their station.

Lord Louis Tomlinson, Viscount Loring, on the other hand, has always believed that he will find his soulmate one day. Despite preparing for a match his whole life, he is entirely unprepared for the arrival of Gemma Styles' younger brother.

Harry Styles has been traveling and away from society for over a year. Coming back, he intends to spend time with his sister, and slowly reacquaint himself with life in town. He doesn't need to wait around for a soulmark to determine how his life will play out.

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Where Life Changed Us (22K) by ExiledQueenCatalog

Omega Harry has a rare genetic disorder where he has no sense of smell. This has lots of odd effects such as him not being able to smell his own scent but most brutally, not being able to scent the way his inner omega desires. It also leaves him as a sort of odd-ball to the community, leaving him becoming touch starved as no one wants the omega who can’t scent. Until finally, he meets the right alpha.

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No One Does It Better (49K) by nodibs

Harry's an alcoholic and Louis is a bartender. The first time they meet isn't the first time they've met.

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what must it be like to grow up that beautiful (8K) by angelsueavenue

Friends to lovers AU where Louis helps Harry grow into his role as a sub.

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The Checkout (12K) by SilverStuff50 | @silverstuff50

Omega Harry is a bit obsessed with one of the workers at the small supermarket around the corner from his flat. The problem is, it's the place where Harry goes for last minute items and emergencies, so the Alpha (Louis) always sees him buy embarrassing things.

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Standing On the Edge of Falling (5K) by therogueskimo | @bravetemptation

It’s Harry’s first security gig, and somehow, he landed Glastonbury. Unfortunately, he’s been tasked with telling a very gorgeous man that he can’t stream the football match. Things go … much better than expected.

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Here Where Life Beats (42K) by MarWritesStuff (Ta_Ma) | @marwritesstuff

Harry is a single mum who moves to London for a new job and fears that the move might be affecting his four-year-old pup too much. But when Noah starts at his new school, they meet Louis Tomlinson. A sweet alpha who seems to be almost too perfect to be real.

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Fuck You Better, Baby (12K) by larry_hiatus | @larry-hiatus

When Harry is spotted at a bar with a mystery girl, Louis is determined to prove that he’s the only one who knows what Harry really needs. He’s in for a surprise, however, when Harry shows him which of them is actually the needy one…

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You Fit Me Better Than My Favorite Sweater (I Will Love You 'Til the End of Time) (31K) by 1Diamondinthesun | @1diamondinthesun

The first person Harry sees through the viewfinder of a camera is Louis Tomlinson.

Snapshots from a decade of Harry and Louis’ life as told through a collection of cameras, milestones and 90s references.

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ti dedico le autostrade che portano al mare (i dedicate to you the highways that bring you to the sea) (87K) by me_her_themoon | @greeneyesfriedrice

“Simon, please. I need a break.” Louis speaks softly into the phone. "I’ve been working constantly for the past 4 years,” His voice strains.

“I suppose you’ve earned it.” Simon reluctantly sighs.

(Louis goes on hiatus for six months to a small coastal town in Italy where he doesn't expect to fall in love with the charming baker)

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Look To The Sky (82K) by babyhoneyhslt | @babyhoneyheslt

On the 28th January 2019, British Airways flight BA289 took off from Chile at 10:04am. The fight was due to land in London Heathrow Airport at 12:44am.

The flight was flown by experienced Captain Louis Tomlinson, accompanied by the first officer Oli Wright.

Around five hours into the flight, BA289 disappeared from air traffic controls radar, and did not arrive in Heathrow at the estimated time.

Search crews are currently looking for any signs of wreckage, but the question stands, what happened to flight BA289?

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Say You'll Remember (93K) by whisperdlullaby

louis and harry are best mates that are only half aware that they're also soulmates. alternatively, louis goes to university and harry travels the world, and they always manage to find their way back to each other.

takes place over nine years, in which they love and hurt, make mistakes and learn, and above all, grow.

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Face Your Fears (92K) by SadaVeniren | @sadaveniren

Harry is a single father, pretending to be a beta after his alpha mated him and left him. He’s getting by just fine raising the twins when Louis walks into his bakery. Too bad him and Louis will never be a thing.

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When the Lights Go Out (79K) by thelarenttrap | @antidotetogo

“Louis, what do you have to say about how last week ended?” the reporter asks. There’s a moment of silence. Harry is looking at the reporter, but eventually gives in and looks down the table at Louis. He’s looking straight ahead, as if Harry isn’t even in the room. “If you can’t take the heat, then get out of the kitchen.” Harry leans forwards, placing his arms on the table and leaning onto them to get as close to his microphone as he can while looking at Louis. “And what’s that supposed to mean?” Louis turns to him, his icy blue eyes meeting Harry's. “Driving is your fuckin’ job, act like it.”

In its near eighty years of existence, Formula 1 has never had an out gay driver. In 2017, Harry Styles signs a contract with Scuderia AlphaTauri alongside his childhood friend and competitor, Louis Tomlinson. The next decade of their careers is some of the most tumultuous press--on and off the track--Formula 1 has ever seen.

aka the one where Louis and Harry are childhood friends to enemies to lovers over the course of 15 ish years.

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some statistics and a croissant for you if you got this far 🥐

this month ive read a total of 61 fics with a total word count of 1,971,727 (which is exactly 28% more than june hehe)

see you next month xo

[treedaddymcpuffpuff]

Excessive Force : Tom Ludlow x Fem Nurse Reader (COLLAB W/ THE INCREDIBLE @johnwickb1tsch) - Chapter One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve Thirteen Fourteen Fifteen Sixteen Seventeen Eighteen Nineteen Twenty Twenty-One

TW: nsfw, exhibitionism, violence, blood and gore and guns, trauma, death

“Okay,” Tom says, “you need eggs, milk, blueberries, flour. You writing this down, baby?” 

“Um, no, hold on. You’re distracting me.” You grab your little pink nurse notepad and a pen. 

“Distracting you?” 

“It’s not my fault you sound hot talking about pancake recipes.” You flush at your own boldness, at the heavy chuckle he gives you. 

“Naughty girl, I’m in a diner, you know.” 

“Oh, sorry. Crowded?” 

“Does this mean you’re ready for round two?” He muses. 

“Wouldn’t it be round, like, 6?” You tease, catching yourself literally twirling your hair and kicking your feet for Tom Ludlow, pen poised for instruction. 

“You just wait til I get my hands on that sweet little—hey, Jordan, what’s up? Yeah, no problem—sorry, old coworkers.” 

You cover your mouth to muffle the raucous giggle—now, you scold yourself, can’t turn all hyper feminine and cute just because of Tom. “Okay, and the pancakes?” 

“What? Oh, yeah, pancakes. Although, now I’m hungry for something else...” 

“Indecent,” you gasp, “I’m just trying to get a pancake recipe, and here you are being a scoundrel.” 

“If I was a scoundrel, I’d take the rest of the day off and come lodge myself in that chokehold of a pussy.” He has to be quiet to avoid the nearby patrons hearing him, but that low, hushed voice travels through the phone, into your ear canal, through your brain, down your body, and straight into your cunt. 

You give a little frustrated grumble and put your head in your arms, hiding as if he’s right beside you and can feel the heat of your skin and the tremble of your body. 

“She can give it, but she just can’t take it,” he tsks, and you hear that shit eating grin. 

“Can too,” you protest, whiny. 

“We’re not talking about my cock, baby.” 

Jesus fucking Christ, okay okay. He wins. He gets the dirty talk crown. You’d say that’s the only thing his mouth is good for, but you’d be very, very wrong. 

“Pancakes?” You try pathetically. 

Phone sex. It’s usually awkward, tense, strange. Tom Ludlow makes it seamless, and it’s one of his favorite things, as you’ve come to learn. “Mmm. Don’t act like it isn’t your fault that I’m rock hard in a crowded food joint. Oh, fuck, I know you love cockwarming me, baby, but imagine doing it in a room full of people. One of those pretty little sundresses you love to tease me with hiding us from everyone. You’d have to keep quiet for me, though, so nobody finds out I have you stuffed full.” 

“God, I hope some elderly woman is not seated by you listening to this—you’ll give her a stroke.” Your joking voice sounds more like your please, fuck me voice right now, and you’re rubbing your pussy against the chair lip like in highschool fucking math class with that one handsome teacher. 

“The only thing I’m stroking today is that needy clit when I get my hands on—“ his voice changes from sensual to frustrated, and the line goes blank for a minute. “I gotta go, baby, see you tonight?” 

“Yeah, see you tonight, Tom.” 

“Keep her wet for me.” 

Well, at least you know that won’t be a problem. Not even while you’re showering, shaving, touching up the paint on your nails, cleaning, soaking your feet in epsom salts, and pulling out the new pretty cotton candy lace lingerie set you bought for Tom to lay out for later. You burn some incense, feed the plants, brush your teeth, and then even do a face mask just for the hell of it. 

It takes a while for you to realize that you’re starving. Blueberry pancakes sound like heaven right now, and you have everything but the main ingredient—fresh blueberries, Tom had insisted, they need to be fresh. 

You could eat a TV dinner for the 8th time this week, ignore that grumble in your tummy that craves something light and fluffy and sweet, but instead you grab your keys and decide to head to the local corner store for some little, delicious blue diamonds. 

You know it’s ridiculous, that just walking into the store, you feel like you’re floating around on a little cloud. This is all Tom’s fault, of course. The euphoria of new love–fuck, you should not use that word. But frankly, you don’t know what else to call it. 

No one has ever made you feel this way before. Always, you had a chorus of warning bells in the back of your mind in previous relationships, warning you not to get too comfortable, not to think for a moment you could depend on a man to be good to you past the point where he’d finally gotten the gratification that he wanted out of you all along.

But Tom…Tom wanted you. And not just for sex, though that had been–and you had a feeling would continue to be–fucking amazing. You think back on the way you had cuddled in your bed with such a sense of fulfillment and peace. He made you feel whole, whether he was inside you or just filling your arms, and that usual sense of terror that fills you with such things is gradually fading to a dull roar. You know if it goes on much longer–another day, another hour–you’re going to fold and give in. 

Floating on your little cloud, you’re not really paying much attention, as you browse the shelves and pick out your ingredients. The blueberries look heavenly, and you cradle your prize in your hand, excited to put them to use–in your grumbling tummy. So when the sound of gunfire erupts somewhere in the little store, you are taken completely by surprise. All you can think to do is hit the floor, making yourself as small and flat as possible. 

Blueberries spill and bounce down the aisle. 

***

Detective Tom Ludlow is on the prowl. 

He knows he should let it go–but he can’t. It’s just not in his vocabulary. Detective Terrence Washington betrayed their brotherhood, and he fully intends to give his old partner a piece of his mind. A firm talking to. 

Ok. He might break his jaw. 

As young cops Ludlow and Washington had regrettably learned that nothing gets in the way of Law and Order like the Law itself. After watching bad men go free on the streets time and time again, they had worked together to administer their own brand of justice. So what if they walked slightly on the other side of the line? If it meant a piece of shit wife abuser didn’t get to skip back home just to do it again, or a murderer didn’t go free to hurt someone else, then they’d done a good night’s work. Helping people was what he’d become a cop for in the first place, and it seemed like using his knowledge and connections to more vigilante purposes was the only way real justice got done. 

Maybe a part of him had sort of known it might catch up to him someday. He hadn’t cared at the time. After his wife’s death…he hadn’t cared about much, except the job. It was all he had. But now…he has you. It complicated things, in the best way. He knows you’re scared. He knows you’ve had a rough past, even if you haven’t felt comfortable enough to tell him about it yet. Most of all, he knows…that you’re the best thing that’s happened to him in a long time, and he’s not letting you go. 

So maybe, just this once, he’ll keep a hold of his world-class temper, and not use the belt he’s coiled around his fist to protect his knuckles. The sound of loud rap music catches his attention; he turns to see a late model red Caprice, windows down, piloted by two men with faces covered with bandanas. 

In his gut, he just knows.  

He knows something terrible is about to happen, and he doesn’t have his sidearm because officially he’d surrendered it and he was supposed to be working the Complaints Desk right now. All he has is his backup strapped to his ankle. It’s a .38 special, just like his father carried, with six fucking shots and it’s not nearly going to be enough to go against the firepower these boys are undoubtedly packing. 

He runs into the store anyway, because that is what he does. 

***

The items on the shelves explode in the rain of gunfire. Cereal. Canned goods. Chips. Poof! You are covered in foodstuff detritus, and your ears are ringing, and people are screaming on the other side of the store. It all happens so fast, and yet somehow time seems to slow. 

You know you’re an idiot, but it is the sound of the screams that gets you army-crawling your way around to the corner of the isle. Someone might need your help. If they’re screaming–they’re not dead. And whether you’re in the ER or not, that means you have a job to do.

As you poke your head around the corner you see an African American man on the ground, his ebony dark skin splattered bright crimson with blood. One of the robbers leans over him, says something you can’t make out past the ringing in your ears. The man on the ground reaches up, swipes the bandana away with a clumsy hand. Says something forceful with what little strength he can muster.  

You see the shooter’s face, his handsome features a mask of fury as he shoots the injured man one more time in the chest. 

Then the shooters flee, racing out the door to their car, peeling away down the block. 

You are shocked, when none other than Officer Tom Ludlow emerges from behind one of the other banks of shelves, kneels beside the wounded man. 

“Washington, Washington, stay with me” he calls, urgent and panicked, a new side of him coming to light among spilled grocery goods and fluorescent lights. He feels the man’s pulse, and his face turns pallid and scared. You’re on your feet, then, running and slipping on a puddle of liquid, getting right back up and crossing what feels like a miles long distance to land at the man’s side. 

“Y/n?” Tom grabs your shoulders, but you shove him off. 

“Does he have a pulse?”

“No, are you alright?” 

“Call 911, get me an AED.” You press two fingers into a blood coated jugular, slipping off the mess of plasma, and then going back to feel for a pulse that isn’t there. 

Turns out Tom doesn’t have to call anyone, because two ambulances and five cop cars pull up to the storefront. As you perform CPR, the old familiar song and dance of cartilage tearing and ribs breaking and getting covered in crimson up to the mid forearm, police and firemen and other uniformed personnel flood into the store. 

Someone tries to pull Tom away, but he shoves them off and kneels back down beside you with an AED, knuckles bloody and glittering with glass shards from where he probably punched in a display window to get to the defibrillator. 

“Put the pads on him,” you tell Tom, lifting up your hands momentarily so he can rip Washington’s shirt right down the middle. You go back to compressing while he slaps the pads on, and switches the device. 

It lights up, that little pleasant ding a thick balm on your raging, acidic anxiety. STAND CLEAR, it says, just as the stretcher arrives. ANALYZING HEART RHYTHM.  

“Let me take over,” someone instructs, taking your place on the floor. “How long have you been at it?”

Tom speaks for you. “Twenty minutes.” 

Felt like two. 

NO SHOCK ADVISED. BEGIN CPR. 

“Put a line in.” Tom pulls you away. “Pushing epi now.” He picks you up, sticky from blood—or maybe that’s you. “STAND CLEAR.” You get a cradled police escort outside, and placed gently into the passenger seat of Tom’s car. 

“Stay here?” He asks, hand on your cheek, damp and thick. 

“Yeah,” you nod. 

He shuts you in and presses the lock. 

[the-californicationist]

The Advent Calendar

Ghoap TW: anal sex --- MDNI/18+ NO EXCEPTIONS AO3 Link I don't write Ghoap, but this was a request from a friend, so please don't be mean to me.

Summary:

Soap gave Ghost an advent calendar this year. Every day was a new surprise - socks, hard cheese, the usual. Everything was normal until Christmas Eve rolled around and Ghost opened the last box to find it empty. He calls up the muppet to chastise him for his mistake, only to hear the phone ringing outside of his door. 

Day one had been a sensible pair of socks, day two was a simple pocket knife, and day three had been a flint striker — all very practical and well-intentioned. Ghost had been chuffed to even receive such a gift from Soap, and every day he pulled another token from his advent calendar, he felt a little closer to his favorite sergeant. But, there was a small, minor, not-worth-mentioning dilemma: Ghost was falling in love with him. 

Johnny’s flirtations had started off so unassuming, so bland, even, that it had been relatively easy for the Lieutenant to maintain a low profile with his crush. When he first met the sergeant, he’d been more annoyed than anything, thinking he would have to train the loud-mouthed Scot in the field. But, Johnny had proven himself ten-fold. His demolition expertise was top-notch, and he was as brave as a soldier could be.

Then, they had been trapped together in a Russian bunker for a night, and Ghost had seen… all of him. He was beautiful. His wide chest, the broad expanse of his strong back, those thick thighs leading up to his ass. Fuck, it was all so delicious. Ghost wanted to bury his face between those legs for days and days and days. But, he was the man’s superior officer, so he tried to restrain himself. 

However, Johnny was dangerously flirty. He’d started to tease Ghost about his mask, sneaking a thick finger under the edge of the fabric, touching his cheek through the cloth. Johnny would even start undressing in front of him now, claiming that he’d seen it all already, and there was no harm done. He would bend over just enough for Ghost to see the flushed outline of his hole. The lieutenant had even caught Johnny staring at his cock in the showers, looking like he was starving for it. 

Johnny’s advent calendar had started the same way… misleadingly safe until it wasn’t. A knife is nice, but it was no rose bouquet, so it was easy for Ghost to shrug it off. However, day thirteen had been… naughty. 

“What the fuck is this, Sergeant?” Ghost asked. 

He’d brought the gift into the locker room on base and held the thick, silicone ring between his fingers, peering one masked eye through the hole. 

Johnny had turned beet red, glancing over his shoulder,

“Christ, mate! It’s a wee cockring. Dinnae go flashin’ tha’ around.”

After that, Ghost had been a little more careful opening the gifts. However, he’d been using the cockring regularly, and now he craved it; jacking off without it seemed… bland somehow. It was a great gift for him, and one he never would have tried on his own. 

Day fourteen had helped provide some inspiration, though, as it was a very artistic nude Polaroid of Soap in nothing but a pair of reindeer antlers. 

Day seventeen was the last, and largest, of three anal plugs. Day twenty was a tingling bottle of lube, and day twenty-three was a smartphone-controlled dildo. 

Now, on the last day, when Ghost opened his twenty-fourth gift, he was shaking a bit. Johnny’s advent calendar had worked him up to a froth, and it was clear that Johnny was making sure Ghost knew how he felt about him. The prospect of being with Soap in any real sense was pushing Ghost beyond the pale.

There was a sudden and deadly disappointment, however, when twenty-four turned up… empty. 

Ghost dug through the other boxes, making sure he didn’t miss it in the pile. He checked the truck, and he even went out to the mailbox. He couldn’t understand why there would be a 24th box with nothing inside of it. He flipped through his contacts until he landed on Soap’s name.

The phone rang, and Simon thought he could hear it out in the hall of his apartment.

It rang again, and sure enough, it was ringing just outside of his door. 

“What the fuck?” Simon grumbled, yanking open the door. 

Johnny was standing there in a slutty Santa costume, complete with hat and suspenders. He had his phone in his hand, looking like he was ready to pick it up until Simon surprised him. 

“Hey, LT. Lookin’ for number twenty-four?”

Johnny turned to the side so Simon could see the glittery gold number 24 painted on the ass of his tiny Santa shorts.

“Thought you didn’t know how to count,” Simon quipped. 

Johnny rolled his eyes and pushed his way into the apartment, shutting the door behind him.

“It’s me. I’m twenty-four.”

Ghost’s heart skipped a beat. The look on Johnny’s face was deadly earnest, and he could tell that his pupils were blown wide with desire. Simon stepped closer to him, running a long finger under his fabric suspenders, the only thing holding the shorts on his body. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and so every time Ghost rubbed the strap, the backs of his knuckles would graze across Soap’s soft nipple, making it peak for him. 

Johnny swallowed hard, staring up at his lieutenant,

“Aren’t you gonna unwrap your present, sir?”

Simon pulled down the suspender straps, and that was all it took. Soap was fully nude in his foyer except for a bright red Santa hat, smiling up at him. All the air had rushed out of the room, and all that was left was Johnny. Ghost put his hand back at Johnny’s nipple, teasing him gently, stepping forward into his space. 

Johnny blushed a beautiful shade of pink and closed his eyes to heighten the feeling, 

“Fuck, LT. Been wantin’ you for so fuckin’ long.”

“Been wanting you, too, Sergeant. Had me worked up to a bloody fuckin’ fever with these gifts of yours. Tryin’ to kill me?”

“Didnae expect you to hold back for so long, Si. Thought we’d get to the middle somewhere before you jumped me,” Johnny smirked, knowing he had gotten under his lieutenant’s skin. 

“Shouldn’t be doin’ this. I’m your lieutenant. It’s not right,” Ghost’s tone was serious and a little sad, but he rubbed his warm palms across Johnny’s chest as adoringly as a lover would, so Soap knew he was still on board. 

“Dinnae care, sir. I want you, and I’ll do anythin’ to get you.”

Ghost pressed his face into Soap’s pouty lips, kissing him deeply, forcing his tongue into his mouth. His jaw worked on him hungrily, and every kiss brought with it a tingling sensation, warm and bright, that filled Simon’s body with excitement. He felt his blood rush to be put to use, filling his cock and making him hard. 

Before Simon even knew what he was doing, Soap’s cock was in his hands, being rubbed and massaged to full length, swollen and ready for work. Then, tired of waiting, he bent to lift Johnny under his luscious thighs, and carried him to the bedroom, kicking in the door with a loud bang. 

“Christ, Johnny. Don’t you know what you’ve been doing to me?”

“I can feel what I’m doin’ to you, LT,” Johnny was kissing his neck and grinding his hips against Simon’s hard length. It was fighting to get through his gray sweatpants, his cockhead threatening to pop over the waistband. On every thrust up and down, Ghost felt the warmth of Johnny’s fat dick as it rolled over his belly, drooling wet on his skin. 

“Johnny…” Simon pleaded, laying his sergeant down on the bed while he stood at the edge of the mattress, thrusting above him, palming himself through the fabric to relieve some of his tension. Johnny looked well-fucked already, and Ghost was just getting started. He was rubbing his hands all over his own body in the bed, like a cat preening himself, dragging his fingers through the fur on his chest and abdomen, curling them around the thick hair at the base of his cock. 

“Give it to me, Si. Don’t make me wait.”

Simon obeyed. He found the cockring and the lube in his nightstand and looped it over Johnny’s cock and balls, listening to him moan as he felt the pressure. Then, he dropped to his knees, eager to taste his lover’s pretty hole. 

As Ghost’s tongue found his core, Johnny grunted with hot pleasure,

“Fuck, don’t.. sir, please…”

Ghost stopped, looking up at him while he played with the sergeant’s throbbing head, 

“You want me to stop, Johnny?”

Soap chuckled softly, 

“Just dinnae wanna come too soon, sir.”

“So, come. I’m not stopping at one, Johnny. You’re going to count them for me, all fuckin’ night. There’s a long time until I’m finished with you, mate.”

“Oh, fuck!” Johnny ran his hand down his face in anxious joy, fretting over his roiling pleasure. 

Ghost returned to his task, fucking Johnny with his long, wriggling tongue, trying to fit it deeper and deeper into his hole, feeling his muscles shake and tremble from the anticipation. Then, when he was satisfied with the delightful keening noises coming from the Scot, he added a finger to his efforts, listening as Soap’s moaning changed pitch. 

“You like that, Johnny?”

“Yeah, Si. I do… holy fuck.”

“Gonna let me taste your come, hm, pretty boy?”

“Yessss…” Soap’s face was wrenched shut, his eyes and mouth locked in a frozen state of wonderful agony, like a band ready to snap. 

Ghost added another finger and began to pound his hand against Johnny’s body, forcing him to feel the stretch and the intruding pressure on his prostate gland, reaching high to find it. He curled his finger, making Johnny cry out, With his free hand, Ghost began to jack him off, focusing on his rosy head, turning his wrist in teasing circles to draw out his pleasure. 

“Fuck! I’m – oh, fuck.”

“That’s it, Johnny. Come for me. C’mon, love.”

“I’m –” Johnny stared up at Simon, his blue eyes wide in disbelief, and his come painted his belly with a beautiful splatter, shooting out of Simon’s hand and soaking his skin. 

When he was finished, Ghost began to lick his come off of his hand, and then he turned his attention to Johnny. He sucked it off of his cock, cleaning him from his recent elation. But, as he moved to lick it from his abdomen, Soap stopped him,

“Sir, you dinnae need to…”

Ghost grabbed Johnny’s hips with a renewed fury, and he glared at him as he replied,

“You can’t stop me, Sergeant. Now, be a good boy and give me another.”

Simon pulled his dick out of his sweatpants and rubbed it down with the lube, using some on Soap’s hole as well, and fed himself inside. His crown popped into Johnny’s flushed body, and the man made a whole new symphony of sounds for Ghost to enjoy. 

Ghost finished licking him clean while he thrust into him, feeding some to Johnny on his hand as well, kissing him through it, tasting him inside of himself. 

Each thrust was like a dream. It was as if Johnny's warm, pulsing asshole was made for his cock, and Simon felt like he was on the edge of coming himself. While he was fucking his aching cock into Soap, Ghost returned to jacking him off, giving him the best of both worlds, and edging him within an inch of his life. 

“You enjoying your gift, sir?” Johnny smirked up at Simon as he asked the question, cock-drunk and overwhelmed by the pleasure.

Simon smiled back, kissing him softly as he slammed himself deep into his tight little present, 

“Aye. But, I'm puttin' you on the naughty list this year.”

[luthienne]

there's just something about the fact that sometimes we are genuinely given too much to bear and we think i cannot do this anymore i cannot bear this for even another minute for even another second and then we do. until either the circumstances change or we change how we react to them. and then we have to find the courage to do it again and again and again. and everyone you've ever met has had to experience this in some form because that's just living.

and the knowing that we can never go back to how it was before feels too heavy sometimes. like i can't swallow that sometimes. we drove to my dad's last fall because i couldn't bear my life. we went to go spend the day with him and then just didn't leave because i couldn't bear the thought of coming home and living my life; i couldn't bear the thought of facing the grief that slept there and kept me from sleeping, i couldn't bear the thought of starving in my kitchen and sobbing in my shower and watching my ceiling spin above me from where i wept on my couch.

over the next few weeks we accumulated belongings in my brother's childhood bedroom. mine has since been turned into the room where boxes of stuff live. so i cried myself to sleep in his bed. i sobbed in our childhood shower. i forced myself to eat in my dad's kitchen. i forced myself to practice in his living room. i wept on his couch. i stayed up all night staring at the dark sky through his windows.

i sat in the dark and wished i could go back countless times and i grieved for myself and i grieved for my mom and i grieved for the life i thought i was going to have that was gone now. and i started a gratitude journal like my therapist told me to because sometimes in very difficult moments i couldn't remember anything that made my life worth living anymore. i found no joy in anything. and i felt like time was running out on me and i was powerless in every way.

and it felt so unfair, like no matter what i did i just couldn't catch a break. like it didn't matter what i did.

my therapist asked me if i could remember the first time i ever had that terrible thought: what if this lasts forever, what if this feeling lasts forever. i was seventeen. trapped in my own body in someone else's bedroom, staring up at someone else’s ceiling painted blue with white clouds. wishing i could go back to before, when my body did the things i told it to do and didn't exist as a traitorous, useless creature separate from me and my wants. i'm still wishing that.

i know she wants me to challenge this terrible thought with the hard-won knowledge that that moment didn't last forever, and so this one won't either. and i try. i develop a routine and i try to follow it, to give myself a sense of normalcy and purpose: wake up, meditate, make a smoothie, journal, practice, go to work. my dad tells me the names of trees on our walks and points out his favorite leaves on the sidewalk. we wrap my mom in scarves and take her to the foothills. my beloved sits with me and holds my hands when i fall apart, and in the dark i sit with my body and remind myself that nothing lasts forever.

i am eating again, and sleeping. i am singing again. i am noticing how beautiful it is when the light catches on wings of birds in the sky and remembering how much i love the smell of the desert in the rain. i am reading, and watching old comfort shows that bring me comfort again.

i finally moved back home. and the grief is still there and i still can't bear the unbearable sadness sometimes. but also sometimes right before dusk the sun turns the mountains pale pink and the sky is soft slate above them and the light that comes through the windows feels impossibly warm and close like a physical presence. like i can almost touch it back. and then the air turns impossibly blue. like i am living inside of dusk and breathing dusk, inhaling blue and exhaling blue.

[drunk-on-dk]

Days and Nights were like... | Seventeen Headcanon (m)

Days and Nights with the members were... - ot13 headcanon

w/c: ~2.2k

warnings: suggestive content, some smut (? idk nothing too explicit, but MDNI), fluffy fluffy, food and alcohol mentions, minors do not interact!!! (18+)

a/n: this was an activity I did to get my mind warmed up to keep working on some WIP, i hope you enjoy these!

Choi Seungcheol

Days with Seungcheol were… chaste kisses before you both leave for work. Sometimes they were random calls during your work break where any random bystander would think he was angry, but only you could practically hear the pout on his lips just from the slight whine in his tone, “when do you get off of work today? you didn’t even kiss me goodbye this morning.” He’d proceed to get his revenge by sending you pictures of him after his Jiu-Jitsu class.

Nights with Seungcheol were…  nights out on the town, delicious food, one too many bottles of soju, and hasty kisses against the wall in the alleyway of the bar you two ended up at. Seungcheol would call you two a cab back home, shushing you and reminding you to behave (even though he doesn’t mind the PDA – it was the tinge of possessiveness in him). His hand would be tightly wrapped around your thigh the entire ride as a firm reminder of the night to come.

Yoon Jeonghan

Days with Jeonghan were… ruffles of your hair as he agrees to help you try a new recipe in the kitchen. Ultimately, you’re stifling any giggles of yours as Jeonghan almost loses his everlasting patience for the nth time over a new kitchen appliance. You’ll find all sorts of items in the oddest of places after your meal is done, even the measuring spoon that Jeonghan oh-so-cleverly hid in your hoodies appears days later in the wash. Admittedly, even after all the tomfoolery, Jeonghan swears every new recipe is the best damn meal of his life, and you believe him every time.

Nights with Jeonghan were… carefree and adventurous, yet safe and warm; anything goes when it’s just you two against the world. Whether it is a night out with each other’s friends, or if it's hours rolling between the sheets, you two will never get enough of each other (not when you’re each other’s favorite person). He’d play nice for you all day, but when he had you right where he wanted you in bed, he’d ravage you until he knew his angel was taken care of.

Hong Joshua

Days with Joshua were… comfortable conversations between tasks, forehead kisses, and earnest touches. Nothing you did ever went unnoticed, even if it was from afar. Not a day would pass that Joshua didn’t make sure that you knew your worth. Loving notes were left on the mirror, sweet nothings were whispered in passing, and deep conversations were held over cups of coffee. It’s almost as if he was fueled by making you blush.

Nights with Joshua were… candlelit dinners at your favorite restaurant shared smiles that make your cheekbones hurt, and whipped cream kisses. However, the feast didn’t end after dessert but continued all the way to the bed. He was always a starved man when it came to you, but you were insatiable as well. Maybe you’d two even try a new kink that was mentioned over dinner every so often.

Wen Junhui

Days with Junhui were… comfortable, quiet walks around town just to end up at a cat café. He’d talk your ear off the whole way home about how cute that one kitty was and how you two should go back tomorrow. He’d become shy once he’d realized he hadn’t let you get a word in once, but you always reassure him that you love listening to him, no matter the topic.

Nights with Junhui were… loving arms encapsulating your frame as you both scrolled through your social media. You’d find yourself counting his moles just like how you’d count the stars in the night sky. He’d give you a curious look up until you’d smash your lips into his, which of course he’d melt into without hesitation. He likes when you take control, he loves that you take the time every night to let him know just how important he is to you.

Kwon Soonyoung

Days with Soonyoung were… toothy smiles and shared sweatshirts. Soonyoung couldn’t hide his chuckle or smile when you’d stumble out of your room in his clothing. If he could, he’d bottle you up and take you everywhere with him. However, it was Soonyoung who followed you everywhere, to the grocery store, to the mall, on your walks to the park when you’d already put your headphones on. It’s not like you’d ever complain though, you don’t know what you’d do without him.

Nights with Soonyoung were… coming up with ridiculous dance moves in the middle of a bar. Everyone was convinced you two were the perfect match. Beyond the bubbly nature of your relationship, nights with Soonyoung were carnal, driven by pure desire and hunger. All you had to do was nibble on his ear, whisper something dirty, and he was on his knees at the edge of the bed for you. God, you were perfect for him, there was no one else like you.

Jeon Wonwoo

Days with Wonwoo were… cozy like rainy days, the smell of petrichor making you feel at ease as you and Wonwoo start yet another movie. You both liked the excuse to stay in with each other all day with no obligations, just enjoying one another’s company and listening to the pitter-patter of raindrops on the window. You’d sink deeper into his hold when he’d laugh at a funny part of whatever movie was on, loving the way his deep laugh vibrated from his firm chest and made your entire body tingle with warmth.

Nights with Wonwoo were… letting him teach you his favorite game and pouting when you’d continue to lose to him, even though he is an experienced player. Shockingly enough, you’d soon become better at it than he is after a few hours spent playing together. Ultimately, this would earn you a special award later in between the sheets for all your achievements. He’d still make you work for it though as a reminder of your bratty attitude earlier on, but he’d make it worth your while as per usual.

Lee Jihoon

Days with Jihoon were… packed lunches and visits to him. He was the hardest worker you’d ever met, someone had to take care of him, and you made sure that person was you. He’d never know how to voice his appreciation, but you knew he’d cared without needing him to say anything. You understood just how much he cared when you peeked in the top drawer of his desk; all your little sticky notes from the packed lunches that you brought him were all saved, piled, and kept neatly in an accessible spot. You’d continue to write the notes even though he’d look flustered every time he’d open his lunch.

Nights with Jihoon were… staying tucked away in your hotel room together, sharing fleeting kisses during commercials, and venturing out to the local convenience store to pick up various snacks. You made Jihoon crack in ways that no one else ever could. He’d like to consider he had good restraint, but that didn’t apply when it came to you. You’d be pinned down tightly against whatever surface he could have you on, basking in the way you’d become so pliable for him so quickly.

Lee Seokmin

Days with Seokmin were… soaking in the sunshine of his everlasting warmth, feeling sun-kissed from all the shared chuckles and jokes. You’re not even sure what you two are laughing about at this point, all you know is that the world seems to slow down every time you look him in the eyes, pure joy radiating through your body and calming you for a second before you break into another fit of laughter.

Nights with Seokmin were… scattered clothing across the floor, up the stairs, and down the hallway leading to your bedroom. Your lips would only break apart to come up for air occasionally. The taste of your lips, the touch of your skin, the smell of your hair. It was all enough to overwhelm his senses. If it were up to Seokmin, he’d breathe you in all day and all night. He’d consume you if he could.

Kim Mingyu

Days with Mingyu were… random acts of kindness, the type that makes your cheeks burn when he’d drop off your favorite mid-day pick-me-up coffee at work, or when you’d come home to a bouquet of roses and a handwritten note. You didn’t need all these items when you already had the most thoughtful partner in the world, his smile when you’d walk through the door was enough of a gift for you.

Nights with Mingyu were… shy, soft touches that slowly became desperate and rough. He was easy to rile up, and you enjoyed doing so by teasing him every so often whilst you two were out and about. You’d pass by him, ensuring that you’d graze him just enough to drive him crazy, earning you a warning squeeze to your hip. You’d have him begging for you by the end of the night like the good boy he is.

Xu Minghao

Days with Minghao were… shared book recommendations, he’d bring you the most recent novel he completed and thought you might enjoy it as well. The scent of your sweet perfume would mix with the aroma of the inked paper, and there was nothing more comforting than that. Reading sessions would become tickle-fights. He liked the way you’d pout, a wide smile on his face as you squirmed in his grasp. He’d feel content once he’d released you, absolutely endeared how you’d immediately bury yourself back in the chapter you left off at.  

Nights with Minghao were… random “fashion shows” that had him clutching his stomach from laughing too hard, absolutely endeared by how you’d exit his closet in haphazardly pulled-together outfits. Nights with him were also experimental because no one else knew you better than he did. Minghao knew exactly how to push you to the brink, knew exactly how to make you shiver in anticipation, and knew your body better than anyone else ever could. He could stay in with you every night if you let him.

Boo Seungkwan

Days with Seungkwan were… noticing how well your head nuzzled into the crook of Seungkwan’s neck. You two fit together like two puzzle pieces, comfortably sipping on your coffees as you two took some time to rest together between errands and daily tasks. You’d listen to Seungkwan rant about something that had gone wrong in the day. Thank goodness he couldn’t see the small smile that graced your features as he’d ramble on, sipping on the sweet taste of your drink and burrowing even deeper into his neck.

Nights with Seungkwan were… long winds of karaoke that would eventually exhaust you both. Seungkwan would watch you with an endearing smile as you plop down on the couch. The kisses were always long and deep on tired nights like this. Lovemaking was slow paced like the ballads you two had previously belted. Or the rhythm was quick and sharp, using up the last ounce of energy until you were milking him dry.

Hansol Vernon Chwe

Days with Vernon were… soft bobs of the head as you two worked on your own tasks. Vernon had curated the playlist, especially for moments like this. When you had asked him about it, he’d stuttered out a response that it was something he just threw together for fun. There wasn’t a day that went by that you didn’t listen to his playlist. Most of the songs would end up in your top played by the end of the year, forever being gentle reminders of your relationship with Vernon.

Nights with Vernon were… as if the stars and moon perfectly aligned no matter the season, the way Vernon’s eyes twinkle in the moonlight is enough for you to believe in fate. Vernon believes in it too, jaw slack every time you strip down for him, rather he is unbelieving you are his for the taking. He does everything he can to ensure you receive the love you deserve, the way your body so perfectly molds against him is a reminder that fate does really exist.

Lee Chan

Days with Chan were… constant exchanges of texts. He’d send you a pun, followed by a random picture of one of the guys, followed by a sweet “I miss you” message. You were quick to reciprocate, as something about his demeaner hit a soft spot in you. You yearned to see his bright smile after each text, knowing that the pun you shot right back would make him laugh in an instant. Imagining his soft chuckle and smile was enough to get you through the day until you could come back home to him.

Nights with Chan were… not nearly as soft as your text exchanges. It was domineering and passionate, but Chan liked when you gave him a taste of his own medicine. The bedroom was competitive for you two in a way, however, there was one shared goal of pleasing each other. You both would always go to bed satisfied, the lusty rivalry tiring you both out until you found peace in each other’s arms.

[aprilisthecruelestmonth]

April is the Cruelest Month Whump Event

Day One:

Grief -◊- Lost -◊- Torture -◊- "Please, I don't want to go back there."

Day Two:

Depression -◊- No one to hear -◊- Whipped -◊- "Who do you think you are?"

Day Three:

Betrayal -◊- Wartime -◊- Pool of blood -◊- "Everything's going to be okay. Just don't open your eyes yet."

Day Four:

Scapegoat -◊- Concussed -◊- Caught red handed -◊- "You always were the weak link."

Day Five:

Lied to -◊- Hallucination -◊- Seized by the hair -◊- "STOP IT, STOP IT!"

Day Six:

Self-sacrifice -◊- Chronic illness -◊- Stabbed -◊- "I just want to go home."

Day Seven:

Self-loathing -◊- Cave-in -◊- Shot -◊- "You seem to think we're friends.”

Day Eight:

Secrets -◊- Drowning -◊- Drugged -◊- "I don't want to kill you. I just want to make you scream."

Day Nine:

Overworked -◊- Feverish -◊- Coughing blood -◊- "Think very carefully about your answer.”

Day Ten:

Guilt -◊- Dangling -◊- Tied to a Chair -◊- "We're just getting started, sweetheart."

Day Eleven:

Fury -◊- Avalanche -◊- Rope burns -◊- "You're lucky to be alive."

Day Twelve:

Nightmare -◊- Train wreck -◊- Dislocation -◊- “Do not disobey me."

Day Thirteen:

Coercion -◊- Starving -◊- Collared -◊- "Bite down on this. It will only take a second."

Day Fourteen:

Living a lie -◊- On the run -◊- Hunted -◊- "Don't take another step!"

Day Fifteen:

Cold comfort -◊- Animal attack -◊- Strangled -◊- "They’re never getting better! Just give up already."

Day Sixteen:

Paranoia -◊- Buried alive -◊- Broken bones -◊- "Who do you think you are?"

Day Seventeen:

Fear of caretaker -◊- Sudden collapse -◊- Disfiguring wounds -◊- "It should have been you."

Day Eighteen:

Resigned to fate -◊- Haunted -◊- Branding -◊- "We need to get out of here, now."

Day Nineteen:

Conditioning -◊- Solitary confinement -◊- Stress positions -◊- "Please, I'm just tired."

Day Twenty:

Exhausted -◊- Falling from a high place -◊- Forced to beg -◊- "What are you going to do with me?"

Day Twenty-One:

Touch starved -◊- Adrift -◊- Injured in the escape -◊- "Who did this to you?"

Day Twenty-Two:

Touch aversion -◊- Migraine -◊- Blade to the throat -◊- "Do you trust me?" "No."

Day Twenty-Three:

Amnesia -◊- Car accident -◊- Old wounds -◊- "I know it was you."

Day Twenty-Four:

Tentative trust -◊- Captivity -◊- Bear trap -◊- "Why are you doing this?"

Day Twenty-Five:

Threats to a loved one -◊- Poisoned -◊- Squeezing a wound -◊- "You got blood on my shoes."

Day Twenty-Six:

Defiance -◊- Fire -◊- Human shield -◊- "I told you so."

Day Twenty-Seven:

Giving in -◊- Caught in the rain -◊- Held under water -◊- "Don't punish other people because you hate me."

Day Twenty-Eight:

Panic attack -◊- Pinned by rubble -◊- Hidden injury -◊- "Please—please, you have to help them!"

Day Twenty-Nine:

Cornered -◊- Hypothermia -◊- Bleeding out -◊- "One of them walks out of here. You pick."

Day Thirty:

Forced to wait -◊- Blizzard -◊- Wrenched arm -◊- "Pass me the bone saw."

[ochrearia]

RBG ART PROMPTS LIST

All of these are things I'm pulling from my Poly Propaganda fanfic series because there are an alarming amount of drawable parts, either super vague or super specific lets get it.

(THIS POST WILL BE UPDATED WITH EACH NEW PART THAT COMES OUT BY THE WAY)

Part One:

BF smacking his dumbass leg straight into a metal pole while he daydreams about smooching GF and Pico

BF confined to the bed with an ice pack on said pole-smashed leg like a doofus

Part Two:

3. Pico relenting to GF holding his head in her hands, pushing his cheeks into the touch

4. Yourself shaking BF by the shoulders (THINK, MARK) telling him to snap out of his stupid fears

5. Pico and GF littering BF's cheeks with kisses after the scare

Part Three:

6. "I'm going to kiss the shit out of you if you keep this up." "Maybe that's what I want, hitman."

7. Little spoon BF big spoon Pico

Part Four:

8. Pico flaunting his new chromatics with a smug ass look and a mic

9. BF and GF with flushed faces because Pico's voice is hot

10. Pico laughing his ass off because he's got simps for his voice

Part Five:

11. Pico and BF fighting over the TV remote like toddlers

12. BF being an asshole abusing the fact Pico is ticklish

13. GF happy and indulging in the laughter of her boys

14. Any one of the three laughing w/ the provided synesthesia-induced colors

Part Six:

15. Pico gently holding a """"sleeping"""" GF in his lap while he talks out loud about how he's grown to love her

Part Seven:

16. BF and Pico riled up and pissed about some prick insulting GF

17. GF using her demon wings and purr to cuddle and placate them both

18. Flustered Pico because BF and GF always gang up to tease him

Part Eight:

19. BF being held by Pico and GF while he rides out a bad day

Part Nine:

20. All of the kisses in this part honestly there's a handful

21. Goofy smile and happy Pico because he's got silly butterflies in his stomach while he gets kissies

Part Ten:

22. 3 tired idiots in their sleepwear trying to unpack boxes

23. Trio piled together on a blanket-less bed, BF and Pico using GF's arms as pillows

Part Eleven:

24. FRIDAY NIGHT PAMPERIN'

25. "You can't go from frat boy to horrendously homosexual in two seconds!" "Waaa waaa it’s called bisexuality you ginger homophobe, pick a struggle goddamn."

26. GF and Pico taking the wildest double takes after BF admits to loving hearing them laugh

27. Pico whacking the shit out of BF with a pillow for the prior comment

Part Twelve:

28. BF and GF holding onto Pico for dear life while a thunderstorm goes off outside

Part Thirteen:

29. Absolute menace BF abusing the fact Pico and GF get all hot bothered and weak to his neck kisses

30. GF and Pico turning the tables immediately in revenge flustering the fuck out of BF

Part Fourteen:

31. BF's dream sequence

32. Yourself helping BF calm down + hug + Silly Billy music box lullaby

33. GF telling Yourself she's proud of him (accidentally sets him on an immediate spiral to a breakdown)

Part Fifteen:

34. Literally any of the three struggling with being touch-starved. Pick one or all

Part Sixteen:

35. Pico having a mental crisis over possibly being in love with both BF and GF

36. GF and BF comforting Pico after his outburst-breakdown

37. "Wanna be in a poly relationship with us?" "I'm scared about being in a relationship again but yes, yes I want to so badly"

Part Seventeen:

38. CUDDLE SANDWICH.

39. Pico hugging BF and/or GF like it's his last second alive

40. BF and GF joke fighting over who'd get to keep Pico in their pocket

Part Eighteen:

41. BF and GF dancing all silly in golden hour light

42. "My heart. My home. Together you are both, two people together as one. Where my love lies."

43. BF kissing the breath out of Pico

44. Stupid lovesick idiot snuggle pile

Part Nineteen:

45. Pretty tooth gap smile Pico

46. BF menace-ry

47. Puppy dog eyes GF

Part Twenty:

48. GF with her demonic features out being a hot girlboss

49. Dumbfounded BF having the hots for GF lmfao. Pico "Close your mouth BF fuck's sake"

50. Literally any part of the flirting. Jesus christ.

Part Twenty-One:

51. Koala-bear cuddly Pico

52. BF and GF reminiscing, also trying to get their stupid ginger to SLEEP DAMMIT

Part Twenty-Two:

53. Cherryblast kisses

54. BF dumbass smoking cigarettes and being distracted by random trinkets

55. BF MELTING TO UNDER-JAW KISSES

Part Twenty-Three:

56. Yourself/Silly Billy sticking halfway out the mirror talking to BF

57. BF absolutely yapping about being in love like a FREAK

58. Pico and GF in an absolute trance because Boyfriend.XML yaps. Literal heart eyes

Part Twenty-Four:

59. GF in BF's shirt

60. BF in Pico's sweater

61. Pico being an absolute sucker for both of them

Part Twenty-Five:

62. Pico and Nene about to kill the shit out of each other

63. "I DO NOT HAVE A LOVERBOY VOICE" -Pico, lying,

64. Darnell and Nene just being amused as fuck over how lap-dog core their friend has become

65. But in the same vein D and N are secretly really happy for Pico so it works out

Part Twenty-Six:

66. Pico losing it over the realization his two special someones trust him with their lives

67. Demon weighted blanket GF for Pico

68. BF spouting "I love you" over and over to the sleeping Pico in his arms

Part Twenty-Seven:

69. Pico calling BFGF freaks and attacking them /silly

70. BFGF with knowing looks watching Pico lean into their hands without thinking about it

Part Twenty-Eight:

71. Hypothetically, RGB existing as space debris for the rest of their lives, because they'd rather be together than alone

72. BF singing without his auto-tune microphone and absolutely enamoring GF and Pico

73. Pico kissing the knuckles of BF's hand because he would be a hand kisser.

Part Twenty-Nine:

74. Pico drowning in his own guilt and fear of being controlling over BF and GF

75. Yourself and Pico staring each other down like the stubborn shits they are

76. BF and GF terrified while Pico breaks down in their arms because seeing him upset makes them upset too

Part Thirty (M FOR SEXUAL CONTENT):

77. I mean it's just 1.8k words of body worship as of last update. Just any part of it tbh. Pico gets fucked up by GF and BF LMAOOOO

Part Thirty-One:

78. Pico completely asleep and being GF's personal teddy bear

79. GF using her magic to remove her offending musical emotions out of her head and glaring at them in the air

80. Pico having a heart attack over the form of how GF sees him, holding it to his chest and being so fucking in love

81. Pico also exploding into a blush because BF and GF kiss his musical self

Part Thirty-Two:

82. BF cuddled up against Pico's sweater nuzzling his nose in it

83. GF and Pico sad/angry that the world taught BF his birthday wasn't important

Part Thirty-Three:

84. Pico just horrendously collapsed on the couch because he can no longer move bitch is TIRED

85. BF CARRYING PCIO BRIDAL STYLE WHILE HE YELLS ABOUT NOT NEEDING TO BE CARRIED (he does)

86. Shy Pico soaking in the hot bath when BF and GF beg him to let them take care of him

87. All three of them in bed, Pico's nose pushed into BF's thigh while GF rubs his bare back in comfort

88. Pico squeezing the life out of an M-Raptor plushie

89. Freckle kisses...

Part Thirty-Four:

90. GF "I want to hold", BF "I want to be held", Pico "Both"

91. Pico losing the war against being sappy

92. GF in the kitchen with her scented candle hoard

Part Thirty-Five:

93. Pico singing to a "sleeping" BF

94. BF and GF arguing like an old married couple over who gets to be serenaded by Pico while he just sits there dying of embarrassment

95. Pico giving in and singing to both of them

Part Thirty-Six:

96. BF and GF flirting with each other calling each other pretty

97. A dozing Pico, comforted by his partners being flirty and loving behind him

98. Pico getting 3 seconds of victory by making BF blush calling him a pretty boy

99. GF giving Pico chin scritches that he enjoys far too much

100. BF getting Pico back, calling him a pretty boy and making him red in the face instead

Part Thirty-Seven:

101. Koala-Bear Pico with GF while she sleeps and he cuddles her for comfort

102. BF with Pico in his arms, petting comforting patterns into his back and singing the song "i5 pt. 2" to him with his real voice

103. Hypothetical post-fic trio cuddle pile where they're all tangled up in each other

Part Thirty-Eight:

104. Full demon mode GF with the black and red monarch butterfly patterned wings

105. Demon GF's lavender skin glowing with magic as she leaks the song of her emotions out into the air

106. Hurt/Comfort on the balcony, GF crying while clinging to BF and Pico

107. RGB back in bed cuddling with GF in the middle this time, for once

Part Thirty-Nine:

108. I mean. It's literally just about PicoBF and PicoGF makeouts... Staring directly into the camera like it's the office

109. But also BF calling Pico a "Needy Little Thing" on purpose

Part Forty:

110. More YS and BF shenanigans

111. BF bouncing around like an excited puppy about his poem

112. Pico not being able to Handle Poetry Written About Him

113. Storm of Demon Kissies for the boys!!!

[wqnwoos]

seventeen & touch-starved s/o (vocal unit ver.)

hhu ver. — requested by anon

JEONGHAN.

he’s so soft :(

like immediately scoops u up

talks to you very gently while he holds you,, about literally ANYTHING

jeonghan doesn’t notice how close you’ve sidled up to him until you tug on his shirt a little. he’s been wrapped up in conversation with mingyu, riling him up with friendly teasing and laughing as mingyu pouts defensively.

at least, until you appear out of nowhere, brushing your arm against his and sending him glances from the side of your eyes; he can tell you think he hasn’t noticed, but he definitely has. he always notices, especially when it’s you.

which is how he ends up cutting off his teasing, wrapping an arm around you and pulling you closer, resting a hand on your thigh and murmuring a quick “you okay?” in your ear. and it’s only when you nod, satisfied, that he returns to the conversation.

JOSHUA.

i feel like he intuitively knows when u need him

hand holder for SURE have u guys seen the recent gose 😭

probably rubs your back or something too :((

“joshua, we are going to get lost.” you pronounce the moment you see the bustling crowds of the carnival in front of you.

your boyfriend scoffs lightly. “come onnn. we’ll be fine.”

“hello? are you seeing this?” with a wide sweep of your arm, you gesture to the horde with wide eyes, unconsciously pressing closer to him already.

“don’t worry, baby. we won’t get separated.” joshua reassures, and then pauses, before dramatically announcing — “ever.”

you blink at him under the coloured lights and merry-go-round music. “i can’t tell if that was heartwarming or incredibly cheesy.”

“both?” he suggests with a smirk, before holding his hand out to you. “come on.”

“josh, don’t let go of me, okay?” you say nervously, as you approach the crowds.

he brushes a kiss over your joined hands with half a smile. “never.”

WOOZI.

omg. soooo flustered but equally as pleased

also have you seen those arms?

he’s an excellent hugger nobody can change my mind

jihoon can tell there’s something on your mind. you keep looking over at him from your place on the couch as he works, sometimes opening your mouth like you’re about to say something but then changing your mind last minute. and when it happens for the seventh time — yes, he counted — he finally turns to you, sliding off his headphones with raised eyebrows.

“can i help you?” he asks, teasing lilt to his tone.

you’re already looking at him with widened eyes. jihoon cocks his head to the side — when you pull out the puppy gaze, it means you want something. unfortunately for him, he gives in every time.

(how can he help it, when you look like that?)

“hug?” you say hopefully, voice pitched a little higher than usual.

he should have guessed. jihoon opens his arms with a mock sigh, gesturing for you to come and sit on his lap — ignoring both your satisfied smile and his warmed cheeks.

DOKYEOM.

his smile itself feels like a fucking hug so. idek where to start. this man is a safety net :(

HES SO WARM i feel like he gives the best cuddles

loops his arms all the way around you and squeezes to make you laugh too

“seokmin~! i need a hug!” you declare, the moment you step into the house. you might say it dramatically, but you mean it entirely — today has sucked ass. “i demand it, even!”

at your greeting, seokmin sticks his head out the kitchen, lips already curved into a gentle smile. “what happened, angel?” he soothes, opening his arms and entangling you in his embrace.

“bad day. awful.” you describe shortly, already leaning into him gratefully. “less talking. more hugging.”

“yes, boss!” he mock salutes over your shoulder, giggling as he tightens his grip, and with the sound of his laughter, the burdens of today seem to fall away — at least for a short while, you’ve found your reprieve.

SEUNGKWAN.

he will drop anything and everything to give you what you need and that makes me UPSET

always goes into full caretaker mode AHHH i love him

probably sways you guys back and forth when you hug

seungkwan takes one look at your sleepy form in his doorway, and he freaks.

by freaks, you mean he pulls you inside, kisses your cheek in greeting, and scolds you for not wrapping up warm enough, all in the space of a minute. and then he’s cupping your face with warm hands. “what happened, baby? you didn’t tell me you were coming over.”

you scrunch your nose sleepily. “sorry. i missed you.”

“aish, don’t apologise, just come here,” he grumbles, to hide the embarrassingly delighted smile growing across his face.

“warm,” you say drowsily, as you lean into his embrace with droopy eyes and slightly slurred words. “best hugger. you’re the best hugger, seungkwannie, you know that? you’re my favourite hugger.”

he kisses your forehead then, with a soft murmur against your skin. “yeah, baby. you’re my favourite too.”

an requested by an anon who read the hhu version!! i hope you like it @ anon, let me know!! 💗💗💗

[pinkypromisepascal]

𝚜𝚞𝚖𝚖𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝚙𝚝. 𝙸𝙸 (𝚍𝚋𝚏!𝙷𝚘𝚙 𝚡 𝚏𝚎𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚎!𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛)

read part one here!

summary: your parents have their date night and you stay with Hopper, hoping your crush on him won't get you into awkward situations

content: a bit of angst, reader's kind of driving herself crazy, age gap (reader's in her 20s, Hop's 40), MDNI for your own sake

author's note: thanks again to @strang3lov3 for helping me make sure this fits Hop's character! Hope you all enjoy this one as much as the first part! I'm a sucker for feedback, so don't be afraid to share your thoughts on this! And ff you want to be tagged in the next parts, let me know in the comments!

After Hopper left, you headed to the librarian with three books you had settled for. Luckily, all of them were available for you to keep for up to two weeks. You walked back home and couldn’t help the ridiculous smile on your lips. You shook your head as you thought about it. How were you supposed to spend an evening with Hopper when you were most definitely attracted to him and you didn’t know each other that well? It wasn’t like you didn’t know Hopper at all. He became close with your dad when you were around seventeen; he’d come around sometimes after work for a beer or your dad would just talk about him sometimes. And then of course there were those evenings where he’d stay over for dinner or for long talks in the living room with your parents. On most of those occasions, you’d just sit nearby and listen or hear them laughing when you were in your room. Hop wasn’t a stranger, he never really was. He was good company when he was around your parents, despite his serious countenance. But what did Hopper really know about you? You weren’t sure how much they’d talk about you, you didn’t see much reason for going beyond the casual “How’s the kid doing? Doing good? Good”, because let’s face it, there was no genuine interest behind it. Most of the time at least.

You thought back to the barbecue a few days ago and how Hopper had seemed anything but not interested in you. He even remembered that you studied art history and wanted to know what you wanted to do after finishing college. You told yourself it’s because you were a grown up, and it’s always easier to talk to adults.

At home again, you tried to think about the upcoming day as little as possible. Everything was going to be okay and not awkward. "So, what're your plans for tomorrow, sunshine?", your dad asked during dinner. You just shrugged with a smile, "Just gonna make myself a nice day, try to get some work done, take a walk, and just… see where it takes me… I even have a place to crash for the night so you can have the whole evening to yourselves here." "Oh yeah? What poor soul's letting you stay over night?", your dad joked. You stuck your tongue out at him. "Actually, it's Hop who…I'm staying with. Ran into him in the library today.", you said after you had cleared your throat, a warm feeling creeping through your body as you said it out loud. Please don't let this get awkward. "Then at least we're sure you're in good hands.", he chuckled. You silently let out a breath in relief and smiled back, "Yeah, I guess." "He's a good guy, sweetie, he's just a little rough sometimes." You didn't know what to answer anymore, so you just nodded, hoping for a change of topic.

You went to bed with a racing heart. You knew it was silly to act like that, to be so nervous, but you couldn't help it. Spending an evening with Hopper. As you were laying in bed, you kept thinking about it and noticed that part of you really wanted to impress him, to make him like you. You wanted to get to his sweet side. The more you thought about and conjured up mental images of what an evening with Hopper could be like, you realized how touch-starved you felt. You were yearning for a gentle touch, a hug. A kiss. Maybe.

The next day, you took your time to sleep late and just try to get yourself worked up as little as possible. No reason to stress yourself over something so simple, right? No reason. You made breakfast for yourself while your parents were at work and took a long shower. After that, you packed your backpack and got ready to leave the house. You walked through Hawkins and took your sweet time to get to your destination.

Just like Hop had said, you found a spare key under his doormat as you reached his trailer. You picket it up and unlocked the door. You took a quick scan around the trailer and noticed a note on the kitchen counter.

You smiled as you read the note. You checked the time and saw that you had four hours to yourself before Hop would be home. You looked out the window and watched the sun shine on the lake. You didn't pack a swimsuit, but there was no one else around here, so why not just go for it? You thought about it for a few more moments as you stepped outside on the balcony, letting the sun hit your face and warm your whole body. This is nice, you thought. You looked at the water again. After a few seconds, you went back inside and grabbed a towel from your backpack and headed outside to the dock.

You took off your shoes and unbuttoned your jeans. Before taking them off, you looked around to see if anyone was near. Lucky for you, you were all by yourself. You stripped down and set all of your clothes aside. You walked to the edge of the dock and sat down, letting your feet hang in the water. The temperature felt okay, not really warm, but not too cold to go in. You carefully lifted yourself forward, slowly sinking into the water. You took a sharp breath and shrieked a little as the water reached your stomach, always the most sensitive spot. Once you were completely in the water, you got accustomed to the temperature soon and smiled to yourself as you swam. You let yourself float on the back for a while and closed your eyes, listening to the sounds of the water around you, shutting out everything else. After what felt like hours, the sun got shielded by some clouds, taking some of the warm feeling from you. You opened your eyes with a sigh and decided it was time to get out again. You swam back to the dock and heaved yourself up. Back in the trailer, you headed to Hop's bathroom, towel wrapped around you and your clothes bundled up in your arm. He did tell you make yourself comfortable, right?

Back in the living area after a quick shower, you checked the time again. You still had around two hours until Hop would be home.

You grabbed your backpack and took out one of the library books before you plopped down on the couch and made yourself comfortable. You looked over the table of contents and flipped through the book till you reached a chapter about compositional patterns, mainly focusing on renaissance paintings.

Despite your focus on trying to grasp information that could be useful for your paper, you noticed that your mind kept trailing off into daydreams. You tried to shake them off, but found yourself re-reading the same paragraph multiple times before you put the book down and rubbed your eyes with a groan. You looked around the living area, trying to get your focus back. You looked at the kitchen, an image of Hop cooking popping up. You chuckled to yourself, he didn't seem like he'd cook much, not to mention that he probably wouldn't enjoy it. In your imagination, Hop would be trying to cook something he hasn't tried before, burn something because he forgot to stir and then just give up and get some fast food, grumpily eating it on the couch you were now lying on.

As you thought about it, you realized how domestic this whole situation felt. Spending time at Hop's place, waiting for him to come home from work so you two can have dinner and a nice evening together? Under other circumstances considering your age and Hop's connection to your father, this would feel like somewhat of a relationship. Your heart jumped a little at that. God damn it, you thought and rubbed your eyes. You wondered how Hop felt about all of this. Did he feel weird about having you at his place for the night? If he did, he wouldn't have said yes when you asked him, right?

You shook your head and turned your attention back to the book. To try and clear your mind, you decided to just flip through the entire book and find something that genuinely interested you instead of trying to focus on something you felt you had to read to keep yourself busy. You searched for paintings that caught your eye. There had to be something on these five hundred pages, right? After a while, your eyes fell on a painting of Hero and Leander by Salvator Rosa from 1645. The text on the side gave a summary of the mythological story behind it.

Hero was a priestess of Aphrodite and fell in love with Leander when they met at the festival of Aphrodite. Though both of them feared their love wouldn't be approved by their parents, Leander kept swimming to her sleeping quarters, guided by a lamp Hero would light for him every time. During a storm, the light was blown out, Leander lost orientation and drowned. Upon seeing the dead body of her lover, Hero decided to take her own life.

You looked back at the image of the painting, studying it. The sky and water looked dark and tumultuous, maybe also reflecting Hero's emotions as she looks at Leander's lifeless body. You kept looking at it as their tragic story replayed in your head. A forbidden love with a tragic ending. Your mind drifted off again. Would it be forbidden and tragic to be with Hopper? To get involved with him? You weren't even sure if you were really looking for a relationship or if you were just looking for anything that gave you a feeling of… of what, exactly? Love? Safety? Being treated right?

You thought back to your latest dating "experiences" if they were even worth to be called that. During the semester, you had been talking to a guy from one of your classes. You had been studying together, gathering your notes from the lecture together in a café on campus and actually having a good time. You had even had dinner together a few times, and he had always insisted on paying, telling you that you were so smart and always worked so hard, you deserved some free dinner. One night you were drinking together and you almost had sex in his dorm, until you had been interrupted by a roommate tumbling in. It had ruined the mood to say the least. You had put your clothes back on and left without another word. He hadn't even apologized or offered to meet up again some time. Right after the exam you had studied for, he just ignored you, made you feel like you didn't exist, as if none of those nights had happened.

Before you could sink any more into those memories, the front door opened and Hopper stepped in. He looked at you with a kind of surprised expression, as if he had forgotten you'd be here. "Hey", he smiled as you looked up at him from the couch, "Comfy?" You nodded, but didn't say anything. "You okay?" You rubbed your eyes and nodded again, "Yeah, just… a little tired, I guess. I've been daydreaming." Hopper walked over to you and looked at you, "Doesn't really sound like you were having good daydreams. Sure you're ok?" "Yes, I'm sure", you said with a little smile as you looked at him. He was so close right now, this whole situation felt unreal. "But I kinda don't feel like going to Benny's. D'you mind if we just stay here? I feel like never getting up from this couch again." He gave you a sympathetic smile and nodded, "Sure, whatever you want. But don't expect any masterpieces out of my kitchen." "I could see what you got and make us something", you suggested with a quiet voice, "Although I remember you telling me I'm not making dinner." "Make yourself at home but keep your expectations low, sweetheart. I'm gonna go take a shower real quick, take your time with everything." You chuckled and got up to take a closer look around the kitchen. You opened a few cabinets and the fridge. "How's some carbonara sound to you?", you called out as you took out the stuff you'd need.

After dinner, Hop cleared the table and took care of the dishes, insisting you wouldn't do anything else but relax, you were his guest, after all. "Want a drink?" "Sure. Whatcha got?" "How about this whisky?" "Is it as good as the one we had last week?", you asked, leaning against the opposite side of the counter he was standing at. He placed two glasses on the counter and leaned closer to you as he opened the bottle. "Let's find out", he said, almost a growl in his voice.

A few drinks later, you were both standing on the balcony. Hop was smoking a cigarette and looking out on the lake. You, on the other hand, were just looking at him again. Studying his face, his body language. He seemed relaxed, even more relaxed than when he had come over for dinner. You wished you could just lean into him, lean against him as he stood there and just be close to him. The background noise of the lake faded out a little, you were just standing there, leaning against the railing and looking at the man in front of you. You didn't even notice him turning his head back to you, studying your face just as much as you did his.

"You're staring", you heard him say softly. You snapped out of your little daydream, your expression turned into a sad smile as you looked at him. He still had that same warm look. "Sweetheart, you don't look okay. Everything alright?" You nodded and shifted to look out at the lake, "Yeah, no, I was just… lost in thoughts." "You can go to sleep if you're tired." "I'm not tired." "You sure?" "Pretty sure." "What's got you zoning out so much, then?" Your heart started beating faster, warmth rushed through your body, making your hands sweat. You looked at him again. He stepped a little closer to you. You could feel warmth radiating from him. "I know that look, y'know…" "What look?" His lips twitched and he breathed out, smoke coming from his nose. He studied your face carefully to take in any reaction he'd find. "You've been looking at me in some way… I'm not sure what it is, but something's… making you look at me a lot." You didn't answer, you just looked back out on the lake, focusing on its sounds, on the crickets chirping, on the sound of the water moving around. Hop took another small step forward and put a hand under your chin ever so gently, turning your head to make you look at him. He was so close. You could feel his breath on your face as he looked down at you, his blue eyes staring deep into your own.

"I wasn't sure if it'd be a mistake to let you stay here for the night." "Why am I here then?" He snapped his cigarette away and took a deep breath. He cupped your face with both hands. "Because I like you. And I want you to feel comfortable around me. I don't want you to feel weird…" It felt like time had stopped. You were just looking at each other. Hop's warm hands on your face, his body so close to yours, and his eyes so blue, even during the dim light of sunset. "But I won't take advantage of you, sweetheart… If something happens between us, I want you sober, okay?" "But I'm not-" "I know you're not drunk, but we've both had a few drinks and whatever would happen if I got any closer to you, you'd wake up tomorrow and regret it." You felt tears build up. Your breath hitched and your face heated up. Your heart wrenched. You just wanted to feel him, to touch him, anything that would soothe this aching feeling inside of you. You leaned closer until your foreheads touched. "Don't cry", he whispered. You felt him hesitate to move his hands. As if he wanted to pull you into a hug, but decided against it. "Y'should get some sleep. You look exhausted." You wiped your eyes and nodded, slowly withdrawing from his hold. His eyes never left you, they were fixed on you.

You headed inside, Hop followed you. "You okay with the couch? We can switch if you want." You shook your head as you took a blanket he had put there before dinner. You looked at him with a small smile, "Take the bed, old man." He chuckled quietly and cupped your face again to press a small kiss to your forehead. "You'll regret calling me that", he said before walking out of the room. A few minutes later, the world was quiet again. Just you in the living area, Hop in his bedroom, and the feeling of his lips on your forehead still lingering. You had a hard time falling asleep. You curled up under the blanket, trying to get Hop off your mind for at least a few hours. He had caught on to you. He'd caught you looking at him, he knew something was up. He had felt so warm when you were standing so close on the balcony, his big hands gently holding your face, his blue eyes luring you in.

Did he feel the same attraction as you did? Or did he just care about you in a platonic way? On the other hand, he had said that if something happened between you two, he’d want you sober. Did that mean he wanted something to happen?

You didn’t remember how long you’d been awake when you woke up. The sunlight was hitting your face and you rubbed your eyes before opening them slowly. You took in your surroundings, only remembering where you were after a few seconds. It was quiet. Not a single sound to be heard. No shower running, no one walking around or talking. You looked over to the kitchen counter and noticed something on there. You got up and walked over; it was another note.

You sighed. Take your time with everything, it echoed through your mind. You looked out on the balcony, the memories from last night coming back. This is getting ridiculous, you thought. Your crush on Hopper was getting ridiculous.  But that didn’t stop you from taking the note and slipping it into your backpack before gathering the rest of your stuff and heading for the door. Before leaving, you took the key that he had left for you out of your back pocket and put it on the counter.  As the front door clicked behind you, your heart sank. One part of you wanted to go back to last night, back to the moment on the balcony, and just stay there, having him look at you the way that he did, staying close to you, neither of you talking.  The other part of you wanted to forget that moment and what happened after that.  You tried to shake these thoughts off as you walked home, hoping that spending some time with your parents would make it easier to handle your feelings.

tags: @lizmaximofff @mrshopper84 @poppyrose33 @malasxlenguas (for some reason I can't tag you, sorry!)

[whumptober]

The Results Are In!

Hi all, remember the trope vote we did in July? Well, now the event is coming to a close, we wanted to share some of the statistics!

So out of the 1526 responses to the 223 tropes:

The TOP 10 most voted for tropes were:

Collapsing/Fainting/Passing Out: 974 votes [Day One]

“I'm Fine”: 951 votes [Day Fifteen]

Hidden Illness/Injury/Scars: 920 votes [Day Fifteen/Twenty-Seven]

Ignoring An Injury/Illness: 887 votes [Day Fifteen/Twenty-Four]

Bleeding Through Bandages: 875 votes [Day Twelve/Fifteen]

Not Realizing They’re Injured: 863 votes [Day Fifteen]

Passing Out From Pain: 860 votes [Day One/Twenty-Six]

Touch Starved/Touch Aversion: 855 votes [Day Seventeen]

Emotional Angst: 818 votes [Day Nineteen/Twenty-Four]

Fatigue/Exhaustion: 807 votes [Day Twelve/Twenty-Six]

And the LEAST 3 voted for were:

Rejection: 205 votes

Cardiac Arrest: 156 votes [Day Sixteen]

Sunburn AND Reluctant Whumper: 146 votes [Alternatives List]

How the prompts list came to be:

From the trope vote, we took from the very top of the list so that we could include the most popular tropes. We also took some of the least voted for tropes to challenge participants outside of their comfort zone, which included the trope Reluctant Whumper, which was our least voted for trope along with Sunburn.

We chose the rest of the tropes from across the list, and also included some suggestions that were submitted by participants. Some of the names of tropes were altered to create more of a provoking prompt for creators to work with, and also to avoid too many duplicates from previous prompt lists. For example, 'Passing Out' became 'Swooning' on day one for a light-hearted start to the event. We also wanted to add a couple of unconventional items to help inspire out of the box thinking. While scented candles, journals and bouquets are traditionally 'comfort' items, it has been truly interesting to see how people have taken the comfort and twisted it to their own whumpy desires.

After the tropes were picked, we assigned them lyrics which would become the days 'theme', and then applied a line of dialogue and an object to it. It took some consideration to fit the right lyrics to the correct tropes, whereas adding dialogue to the tropes was arguably the easiest.

We are very proud with how the prompts list has turned out, and we have been blown away with the positivity and warm welcome we have received - thank you all very much. It has been amazing to see what everyone has been making this month based on our prompt list!

We have more to come, so stay tuned!

Mods Yenn, Kitty, Vanne and Surro

[illandtired]

about me<3 (tw)

Hello, I’m 17 and I’m gonna try to take my life again on my 18th birthday.

(Sorry, this jumps around a lot.)

(And it’s long….)

Also heavy topics, literally almost every trigger warning in the book.

This blog is gonna literally be my diary. I’ve attempted to make me life multiple times in the past for multiple different reasons.

I’m seventeen and I currently live alone in my mother’s house, she lives with her boyfriend. I had my biological dad who left before I was born and two step fathers. The only one I “care” about is my most recent. He entered my life when I was 6 and since then I tried telling my mother about him but for some reason it took until I was 16 for her to divorce him. He abused me severely. When I told him I was suicidal the first time he said he was gonna go get his gun then proceeded to make me beg for my life. I was I believe 12 or 13, a lot of it’s a blur like most of my life.

I don’t want to go too much into my past and make this too long, I started smoking weed in 8th grade. By 9th I was doing lines of random shit I got from kids at school off the bathroom toilets. I have touched most stuff besides heroin. The one drug I promised my mother I would stay away from. Currently I am still hooked on opioids, SSRIs, and I smoke weed/thc carts every day.

I was 6 when I was diagnosed with adhd, severe anxiety and depression. I haven’t seen a doctor since. My mother swears she’s trying to get me in but she always complains about how much my meds cost. She knows my worries about my mental state and I swear it’s impossible to get the help I need.

I’ve always been a paranoid person but it’s getting worse by the day. I’m genuinely too scared to take the trash out because I feel 800 eyes on me. I feel like there’s invisible people constantly around me judging my every move. I don’t feel real some times, and not that life is a simulation shit, I genuinely don’t feel like I’m in my body.

I started self harming in 3rd grade. It started as me being a wrist and head banger but by 5th grade I had started using thumb tacks and scratching myself. I went to my step father and he told me they weren’t Deep enough and I was just looking for attention. By 6th grade I was actually cutting, but only to where I barely saw the blood. By 8th it got to the point where I needed to see the blood run. But I’ve managed to get back to only getting it to bead up, occasionally running. I was clean for quite a few months but the smallest, SMALEST thing can set me back so much.

I’ve struggled my entire life with starving myself, binge eating, then starving myself. I’ve been an unhealthy weight a lot of my life. I’m around 240lbs now, my eating disorder is mainly starving now. My “Binges” are now small.

I have never been able to make a phone call to someone besides friends. Even family calls are hard a lot. I can barely order food at a restaurant, fancy or McDonald’s.

I’ve made money in my life from stealing, I’ve been a kleptomaniac for as long as I can remember. But I also made money doing bakery stuff for my mother, doing mechanical stuff, and babysitting. My only “legal” job was working at McDonald’s. I got fired a year after starting because we had a new manager who fired me over homophobic reasons. I hated going to work. I loved the work itself, but I hated having to be around anyone.

I’ve always been called lazy. And I feel like it’s true, I can barely find the motivation to get up to take a piss most days. I had such a hard time with organization and cleanliness as a kid so I always had a messy room, unless it was right after one of the days I got my stuff thrown away.

I never payed attention in school yet I somehow got straight As until i genuinely didn’t care anymore. I dropped out 10th grade on my 16th birthday. School was so much worse for my mental health. I was self harming almost every day, lying to myself about who I am to fit in.

I actually love learning, I wanted to get into nursing school but I know I’ll never get clean enough. I even study biology, trig, physics, crime scene investigation, all sorts of stuff. I have notebooks and notebooks that I’ve filled with information I’ll never use.

I was 10 when I got my first boyfriend. He was 18, a relationship on discord. It lasted a couple years at least. I was sexually assaulted multiple times growing up and I don’t wanna go into more detail in this post. But due to my sexual trauma i became very hyper sexual very young. I still am to this day, I sell pictures to creepy men online because I know I won’t be able to get any other job. But at the same time it’s basically been implemented in my brain I’m good for sex and nothing more. I feel so utterly disgusted with myself after every sexual experience in my life from sex to just sending nudes.

I grew up a chubby girl with big tits. It was 6th grade i started having boys desperate to touch them. I had Ds by then. I’m a F-G now (depends on the bra). My own step father and his sons who were much older than me started sexualizing me when I was about 13. One of my step brother was creepy since he entered my life.

I’ve had so many important parts of my life taken from me. My Virginity with a man was raped away when I was 14 on Christmas. My self worth was barely existent but it was gone completely by 9th grade. My first “good boyfriend” was when I was 15, he was 18. He filmed us one night after I asked him not to multiple times, but the next day a video of me having my brains fucked out was all over my school. It was a smaller school, but even some of the female teachers sided with him because he was the “king” of the school. I missed my middle school graduation which doesn’t seem like much to most people, but I knew I was going to drop out and never have a high school graduation. I was even selected to write a speech and go up and speak at the podium but due to anxiety from both situations I missed the whole thing entirely because I tried to kill myself that night.

Most of my attempts have been overdose attempts, and that’s for a reason. I couldn’t imagine my mother finding me and my brains splattered on the wall. But out of everything, no it’s not my mother that’s kept me alive. It’s been my best friend. I live in the states and he lives in Scotland. We’ve been friends for years, we met through my ex and were completely like the opposite of each other but we care about each other. And unfortunately I don’t think I’ll be able to meet him. We were going to meet when I turn eighteen because he’ll be turning 21 and can legally drink here, I can legally drink there.

I care about nothing more than him and it pains me that I know he will be disappointed when he realizes I gave up. I don’t plan on telling him anything.. we have a thing where if he’s gone for a month he’s on a mental health break, but two months he’s dead and I have his permission to kill myself. I’m going to tell him he has to wait a year for me because I might be in the mental hospital.

Back to simple things I can’t do, I would rather claw my own eyes out than be alone with a man in a room. But my best friend is the one exception. I haven’t gone on a date since new years. As soon as we got to his house, it wasn’t even 5 minutes before he had a gun pressed in my side.

Yet at the same time I feel like my only purpose is to make men happy in any way I can. Even if it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t want to do it. Because that’s all I’ve ever been good at and praised for.

There was about a week in my life and it was somewhat recent. I told myself I wasn’t going to attempt again because no matter what life won’t suck that bad. Being homeless was the happiest time of my life, sure I can be on the street and cold, no money, but I no longer have responsibilities and I get to walk which I love doing. I used to sneak out at night and go on long ass walks normally from 10pm to 3-5am.

More things about substances, once again I’m sorry for jumping around. I started smoking cigarettes in 6th grade, provided by my step father and girlfriend. I started drinking in 8th grade but now it takes half a bottle of tequila for me to be at a happy level of drunk. Or 4 bottles of cheap wine, or an entire bottle of rum. Anyways I feel like I’m rambling on and on so I’m gonna try to wrap this up.

What’s the main reason I want to kill myself? Because I know I will never be able to live a normal life. But my one goal as a kid was to make it to 18.