#cw ugly ass hoe

[descimatedpiggydreams]

the way I talk about my wife would obliterate the bechdel test, ballsack.

i must remind myself of my mission lest i fall prey to the spells of kermit the frog once again.

kermit and miss piggy need to be abandoned by all, left to reflect on their poor life choices and then to rot together for all eternity. only then will the world be saved.

[s-4pphics]

dial. 1 (e.w.)

wc;cw: 3.2k, all ocs r black coded<3, fratadjacent!ellie, she has community dick, dina being mawtha, mentions of psychs, weed n alcohol so dubcon, bad parties, light smut MDNI, pussy eating, err exhibitionism a lil bit, mentions of porn LOL

“Hand me my mascara, pleeease.” 

“… Lemme connect to the speaker then.” 

You sighed in exasperation at your roommate’s bargaining, placing the blaring device into her devious hands before snatching your mascara from her. She was puffing from her dab as she connected it to her phone, her playlist blasting through your small, shared space. 

HOW YOU WANNA FUCK WIT’ A STAR—

Niah returned to her ironing board, slicing and altering her ugly Christmas sweater so it was as revealing as possible. You should’ve followed in her lead; you were already burning up from your vanity lights and long, furry sleeves. 

You never attended holiday themed parties because they were the most packed, but Niah threatened to set your limited-edition vinyl set on fire if you didn’t show up. You did want to protect your rare records, but you were also planning to attend anyway for more selfish reasons. 

You hoped Dina didn’t hate you too much. 

Your good friend didn’t hesitate to scold you in person a couple of weeks ago, bursting into your room with a full IHOP platter and a sharp tongue. She was much calmer when she returned to her room after screaming at you, but you understood her initial anger. You definitely made a mistake. A pretty big mistake. 

Didn’t I tell your stupid ass to leave her alone! You don’t fucking listen, that’s your problem. 

Were you wrong for letting Dina’s best friend rearrange your guts in her roommate’s bed? Yes, without a doubt! 

Were you going to fuck her again despite her warnings? Absolutely! She fucks too good and finals are around the corner. You need a destressor!

Dina was able to let it go after reprimanding you, but you knew that she felt a bit uncomfortable whenever you two were in a room together. It wasn’t due to your private relationship, but because Ellie was a degenerate slut that greeted you by pinching your ass instead of waving like a normal person! 

You and Ellie’s newfound… friendship? Situation? You weren’t sure what the fuck this was. What do you call fucking someone you barely know four times a week and then seeing them in their Starbucks uniform every morning on your way to class? The main topic of conversation is always either can I get two cream cheeses instead of one? or hold this blunt so I can make you squirt. 

You know she likes turtles! She has a small tattoo of one right under her ear! You couldn’t stop poking it when she drove you back to your building after digging you out in her car last week. 

You knew Ellie had a reputation on campus for being a shroom-slinging whore, but she’s… more than that! She’s so funny! And cool. And pretty. And a sweet-talker and—

… You may have developed a little crush on her since you started fucking. You haven’t felt these high school butterflies since you were in high school. 

Plus, she rolls up for you sometimes! That counts for something, right?

You applied your mascara, wiggling in your desk chair excitedly while you downed the rest of your shot. You choked down the burning liquid, and your phone went off. 

You sucked your teeth, turning in your seat to face an occupied Niah as she bobby-pinned her Santa hat onto her head. 

“Did you tell Dina t’come early? It’s not even eleven.” 

She looked over her shoulder at you, “Nah, is she coming?” 

“She’s almost here,” you showed your best friend the messages, and she shook her head, hastily retreating to the mirror to straighten her appearance. And show more cleavage!

“This bitch, I tell you.” 

You poured and downed two more shots for good luck, smudged your liner, and shoved your phone into your jean shorts pocket. You sprinted over to your roomie and slapped her ass with a bright grin, making her snort. 

“You’re a hoe. Hand me my phone.” 

You grabbed the plush on her hips and thrusted into her ass, “I’m getting fuuucked, I’m getti—“

She laughed hard, “Get off me!” 

You squealed and jumped in elation before Dina rang your line and summoned the both of you downstairs. 

The music was the main reason you hated Christmas-themed parties. How are you supposed to bump and grind to The Little Boy that Santa Clause Forgot?! 

You, Niah, and Dina had been party-hopping for the last hour, and you were bored out of your fucking minds! You were more interested in watching the burning ash falling from Niah’s blunt than this packed house. 

The soccer house disappointed you. And you’re still horny! 

Dina grabbed you and Niah’s hands and ushered you onto the just as packed front porch, littered with drunk people singing and dancing in the middle of the blocked-off street. This seemed more fun than the party! 

You could see Jesse and his friends out of the corner of your eye, so you grabbed your friends’ arms and dragged them down the slippery steps; You were so desperate for entertainment that you surged through the freezing cold like nothing. 

“Jesse!” You waved your arms excitedly as you jogged up to him. 

Dina’s boyfriend whipped his head around and smiled once he saw you and the girls rushing up. You saw Ellie out of the corner of your eye, draped in her Nutcracker sweater that read CRACK DEEZ NUTZ in large white letters and an antler headband. She looked you up and down… a few times as she gawked at your bare legs. You were so happy you decided to risk hypothermia and wear fishnets!

Pretend you don’t see her! Don’t look desperate!

You threw your arms around an extremely high Jesse before greeting the rest of the soccer team with polite hugs. All except Ellie. You caught a glimpse of the small bong in her hand before she brought it up to her mouth to rip from it. 

Jesse’s slow drawl snapped you out of your leering, “Fuck, y’all aren’t cold?!” 

All three of you answered unanimously, “YES!”

The group erupted into light laughs before Niah cut in, “Bro not gon’ lie… the music’s trash in there— “

“THANK YOU!” “EXACTLY!” “I TOLD THAT FUCKER TO CHANG— “

The entire soccer team concurred loudly, but you were hardly paying attention. Your hazy mind was hyper-focused on Ellie’s dirty sneakers, watching her weight shift from one foot to the other as she listened and laughed along to the complaints. 

“Hi, Ellie.” 

An… overtly flirty tone that you didn’t recognize caught you off guard, and you immediately stiffened. You peeped and eyed the girl that walked up with her friends, pulling her into an incredibly awkward hug. You took note of how offput Ellie was by public affection. 

She received it anyway, “Hey yourself. How you been?” 

Your ears grew, “Fine, chilling. You selling?” 

She tsked, “Not tonight, sorry. You can come by tomorrow or something if you have time.” 

“Alright cool, I’ll text you. Have a good night,” you saw Ellie’s head jerk in acknowledgment before the group departed. Your eyes dropped to the floor in front of you. 

… Ellie never gave her an address. Has she been to their apartment before? 

“You okay?” 

You jumped at Niah’s concerned tone from behind you. You sighed and nodded at her, “We can leave anytime.” 

Before you could reply, Jesse spun and interrupted, grabbing your shoulders, “Leave? What the fuck, it’s Christmas! Come back with us.” 

“Where, uh, where are we goin’?” 

He rolled his eyes like it was obvious, “Back to our place. I already know Michael isn’t gonna change the fucking playlist ‘cuz he’s a fucking loser! Let’s go, c’mon.” 

You mistakenly looked at Ellie, who was already looking at you. Her eyes were shining with mischief, the corner of her mouth lifting in a sly grin. She looked like she was waiting for your answer. An excited zap went through your chest. You spoke without hesitation. 

“Yeah! Let’s go!” 

You secretly watched Ellie take another hit. 

That Uber XL was crammed as fuck, but at least the music banged! Finally! Future just saved your fucking night! 

And Jesse made edibles from scratch! Christmas came early!

Nothing about this night was going how you planned; You were supposed to be getting your shit wrecked by your newfound… whatever, but instead you were getting handed adult gifts from the soccer players! You were not expecting to receive a holiday-themed goodie bag filled to the brim with pungent, iced sugar cookies. 

Niah accepted both yours and hers eagerly before making her way towards the living room couch to dig in. You, Dina, and Jesse were all sitting at the small dining table playing Uno. Ellie was playing with you all, but she excused herself to her room to take a phone call, and you hadn’t seen her since. It was her turn! 

Dina and Jesse were having an intense argument about the 7 and 0 card rules, and you moved on autopilot. You looked around to see all the soccer players and Niah laughing and slumped on the couch before you stood and trekked down the hallway. You knocked on her door. 

“Ellie? It’s your turn to take!” 

… Silence. No response. 

You knocked on her door again, “Ellie?”

You heard some shuffling come from inside, so you decided to check on her. She smoked a lot; Maybe she needed some help getting into bed! 

You slowly twisted the doorknob and peeped through the small opening in the wood, and her raspy tone immediately filled your ears like warm honey. 

“Uh huh, rub that clit like I would. Nice’n slow.” 

Ellie was completely shirtless on her bed as she twirled her antlers with her free hand, shoes kicked off as she spewed filth to… whoever the fuck was on the other line. She couldn’t see you, and you felt guilty for spying, but the fire that she ignited in your stomach planted your feet to the floor. 

“Mhm, miss you so fucking bad.” 

… Why were you still fucking snooping! Shut the fucking door! 

“Yeah? Gonna let me?” 

Why’d you almost nod? You’re losing it; You need to fuck her!

“Wanna know something really hot?” She whispered. Your heart was pounding in your chest and your palms were sweaty. Yes, you do! Anything! 

“I think we have an audience,” she hummed with a sly grin, setting her headband on her thigh before looking up at you. You nearly hit the floor like your stomach just did. 

She chuckled and your clit throbbed. You hate how desperate she gets you, “Yeah, she’s cute. She has the wettest pussy I’ve ever fucked.” 

Your body was on fire and your breathing was shaky; You swore to send your hospital bill to her address. She was going to put you in a coma! 

“Yeah… tag team her with me,” she bit her lip after her suggestion and that was enough to get you to slam the door. For the first time in your life, your embarrassment overshadowed your arousal. You heard her giggling! You're never going outside again! 

“Why the fuck are you standing there like that.” 

You let out a shocked noise at Dina’s voice, trying to look as… not creepy as possible. 

“I, uh, Ellie… S-She fell asleep! It was, um, her turn to pull and I just— “ 

You felt your phone vibrate on your cheek. Dina crossed her arms in front of her, staring you down with an arched brow. You flinched and pulled your device out, Ellie’s message sitting on your bright screen.

You held back your shudder. 

You heard Dina sigh, “Y’all better not be loud.” 

You glanced up at Dina’s hushed tone, her brow arched at you. 

“H-Huh?” 

“Niah isn’t going anywhere, and neither are you. Go see her,” she sighed and pointed at your snoring roomie. “Just don’t be loud. His room is right next to hers and I’m tired.” 

Your arms wrapped around her as you cheesed. 

“Ireallydidn’twantthistobeweirdIloveyousomuch— “

She snickered in your ear and patted your ass in encouragement, “Yeah, yeah, okay. Just… just try’n keep it light, okay? Have a good time and leave it at that.” 

“I will! Promise!” 

You planted a wet kiss on her cheek before turning to yank at Ellie’s doorknob again. 

You busted into Ellie’s room and was immediately hit with the sound of your moans. 

She was sitting on the edge of her bed, nonchalantly packing the same bong from earlier as your… series of Snapchat memories played on the table. She looked up at you upon entry. 

“‘Sup.” 

You waved lamely and immediately cringed. Why does she make you so fucking nervous! 

“… Wanna hit?” She ushered the bong to you. You shook your head and… spoke. You’re such an idiot! 

“No thanks… but you can, uh… h-hit this pussy?” 

The shock on her face made you pray for lightning to strike you down, never to be seen or heard from again because what the fuck did you just say and why did it sound like your screams from her phone were increasing in volume—

Ellie giggled. She actually laughed, and it made you smile. She sounded so cute, like she doesn’t obliterate pussy on a day-to-day basis! 

She grabbed her lighter and lit her overstuffed bowl, muttering into the opening, “Come watch this with me.” 

Your gut erupted with excitement when you shuffled closer, taking a seat right next to her, your shoulders touching. She blew her smoke away from you before grabbing her phone from her nightstand! How long did these memories go on for!

“I never got to ask,” she swiped to the next video of you gagging on her fingers. “You do porn?” 

You choked on air, “… No?”

She looked at you blankly, her thumb moving mindlessly on the screen, “You should. You’re so good in front of a camera.” 

Your face burned like she called you the most beautiful person in the world. Don’t look at her titties!

“Thank you!” You squealed with a bright smile. 

“Mhm,” Ellie gawked at you before shutting her phone off and tossing it behind her, pulling at the hem of your shorts, “Lay down’n take these off.” 

Your shoes went flying across her room, almost hitting her dresser before yanking your shorts down your legs. Ellie stood and grabbed your chin, halting your frantic movements and pressing a light kiss to your lips. The feeling didn’t last a second, but you swore your heart grew a heart before it exploded into red glitter in your chest. You’re shocked the remaining specs didn’t land on her face. She hardly ever kisses you!

“Gonna let me eat this angel cunt before I knock out?” 

You were a mere dog on a leash. You know your eyes glossed over at her tone. She smirked knowingly, pushing your shoulder until you laid flat on her blanket before dropping to her knees in front of you. 

You didn’t have time to take your fishnets off, so she tore the crotch of them with her two veiny hands, —holy fuck—exposing the wet patch on your lace panties. 

She didn’t bother to remove flimsy, damp fabric, merely moving it to the side and revealing the soft, curly hairs on your pussy, your clit throbbing whenever her breath hit it. 

“You gotta pornstar pussy, swear to god.” 

You snorted and looked down, “Why do you want me to do porn so bad?!” 

She sneered playfully, “I’m a girl with needs and I’m asking my favorite link to help me out. You get a fat check and I nut, everybody wins!” 

You laughed brightly, “You’re annoying!” 

She rolled her eyes before licking deeply into you. Your whole body shuddered at the feeling of her soft tongue, your hand finding solace in the loose strands from her bun. You moved her hair from her face, sitting up on an elbow so you could watch her lick you out. She started slowly, swirling her wet muscle on your pulsing bud, spread your slick around before dipping down, shoving her tongue in your pussy, and coming back up to spit all your juices on your clit 

Your thighs were trying to jerk closed around her head, but she pried them open, digging her nails into your plush skin in warning. Your wet gasps were catching in your throat with every skilled swipe of her tongue, your lashes fluttering 

You couldn’t hold back the loud moan that escaped when her tongue pressed against your walls, and she pulled away, landing a harsh slap on your pussy, “Don’t wake my friend up.” 

Your head jerked, “M’—oh fuck— “

She murmured uh huh right on your clit, and eyes rolled, your hips bucking down to get her to drag her tongue over that one spot again you love it when she licks right there—

She sucked your clit into her mouth, her soft lips massaging your sensitive bundle. Your ankles locked behind her head, her bun completely dismantled in your tight grip. 

“Ellie— “

“Yeah, angel? Boutta cum?” she mumbled against your pussy. 

“Y-Yeah— “

She snatched a hand from your thigh and fucked her index finger into your cunt, hitting all your spots like it was in her nature. 

You tried your hardest to shut the fuck up, but you couldn’t! Whines escaped your mouth as quietly as they could as she fucked and ate your cunt at the same time. Your soft walls were squeezing around her calloused finger like it never wanted her to leave, completely drenched in your slick.

“Cutest fuckin’ pussy. Give it t’me, needa drink that cum— “

Your jaw dropped in a silent scream, your walls clenching and squeezing and leaking on her before your orgasm crashed into you. Your lashes fluttered and your eyes crossed in your head, a line a drool dripping off your tongue and onto your fuzzy sweater. Your toes won't uncurl in your damaged stockings; You definitely weren’t going home tonight! 

You watched Ellie swallow every drop of your cum, releasing hums of satisfaction after every pulse of your pussy. Her eyes were sparkling! 

She forced the last of your pleasure out of you until you went limp on her mattress and pushed her head away. She landed a light kiss on your thigh before standing to stretch. 

“Take this shit off and lay down with me.” 

She lightly pulled at your sweater sleeve and rejuvenated you, tearing it and your bra from your body. She eyed your tits before walking over to her side of the bed and shredding her jeans off, sliding under her cotton sheets.

She said nothing, her back turned to you as her body relaxed into her pillows. You felt a little shunned, but she took care of you like she always does when you come over! You tucked yourself in, hyper-focusing on the blotchy bruises on her neck and red lines that cascaded down her toned back until you drifted off with a dull sting in your chest. 

omg the actual p1 ok slayyyy

taglist? :3

night yall LOL

teaser, 2, 3, four, five

[nobody-nexus]

Sinful Circus AU Incorrect Quotes

(CW for NSFW humor) (Will contain Ragapom, Abstrabbit, and Bluetooth)

====

Able: Hey, what have you two been up to? Gangle: We were helping Ragatha write her vows, but she kicked us out because Jax was making inappropriate suggestions. Jax: How is “Pomni, I love your sweet ass” inappropriate?

====

Queenie: If you could guess, how many brain cells do you have? Kinger: Dorito’s cool ranch. Queenie: Queenie: I'm just gonna assume zero for now. Kinger: I love that song

====

Pomni: There’s no “I” in team, but there is one in pizza Kaufmo: So, you’re not going to share? Pomni: I’m not going to share

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Zooble: I dare you- Ragatha: Kaufmo is not allowed to accept dares anymore. Zooble: Why not? Kaufmo: "I have no regard for my own or others personal safety", as some would say

====

Able: Today, Influencer said a swear word, so Ragatha said she was going to wash Influencer's mouth out with soap. Influencer replied, “It’s okay, I like the taste of soap”. Turns out, they’ve been putting soap on their lips to blow bubbles

====

Zooble: closes a cabinet a crash is heard behind the cabinet door Kaufmo: What was that? Zooble: The sound of someone else's problem

====

Able: I don’t know how you have your foot in your mouth, your head up your ass, and your nose in my business. But here we are, you fucking wizard

====

Jax: I’m a multitasker! Jax: I can disappoint fifteen people at once

====

Moon: Well, Caine and I finally did it! The rest of the squad: gasps, shocked expressions, etc. Moon: That's right… We kissed!

====

Influencer: Bl@ckm@1l 15 5uch @n ugly w0rd. 1 pr3f3r 3xt0rt10n. Th3 X m@k3s 1t s0und c00l

====

Pomni: Good news! I didn’t screw up! Able: … Pomni: I screwed up less badly than usual! Able: … Pomni: Screwed up with less immediate consequences than usual

====

Ragatha: I asked Pomni out Queenie: Oh, I’m sorry Ragatha: Why? Queenie: Well, I assume she said no Ragatha: No, she said yes Queenie: Really? Then I’m sorry for her

====

Jax: My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight

====

Jax: Zooble, we tried things your way Zooble: No, we didn't Jax: I did it in my head and it didn't work

====

Pomni, gardening: Hey, can you bring me the hoe? Zooble: Yeah, sure A few minutes later Zooble: Here you go Pomni: Zooble: Ragatha: Why am I here?

====

Influencer: 1 th1nk w3 5h0uld h@v3 gl0w 5t1ck ju1c3 1nj3ct3d 1n 0ur b0n35 wh3n w3'r3 b0rn, 50 1f w3 br3ak 0ur b0n35, w3 g3t @ fun l1ttl3 5urpr1s3! Caine: What's the surprise? Zooble: Blood poisoning.

====

Jax: When do I get my own gun? Pomni: I wouldn’t trust you with my kid’s lightsaber

====

Jax, referring to Zooble: I don’t know, they just don’t seem interested Caine: Did you try talking to them? Jax: Jax: Try what?

====

Kaufmo: I wouldn’t wish that upon my worse enemy! Kaufmo: Unless of course. . We’re talking about my enemy, Zooble. Fuck you Zooble, you know what you did!

====

Jax: Wait you like me? For my personality? Zooble: I know, I was surprised too

====

Kaufmo: What’s the status up here? Pomni: Fucked up, about to die, Able’s a nerd. The usual

====

Able: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled

====

Ragatha: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container. Influencer: @h y35, th3 c0w'5 udd3r! Ragatha: What? Gangle: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT????

====

Able: I know what you're up to. Influencer: R3@lly? B3c@u53 I b@r3ly kn0w!

====

Jax: If the thought of something makes any of you giggle for longer than 15 seconds, you are to assume you’re not allowed to do it

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Influencer: Th3r3 15 n0 1 1n h@ppyn355… Pomni: There is if you fucking spell it right

====

Caine: There was a motor close to where I am right now. Caine: A motor- a motorcycle? Caine: Oh sorry, a murder Ragatha: That escalated quickly

====

Jax: .. .----. -- / … --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY) Gangle: What's that? Jax: Remorse code Gangle: I'm even angrier now

====

Sun: Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism Kaufmo: How so? Sun: It keeps you from screwing up for 8 hours

====

the Squad cleaning up Caine: Pick up the nearest piece of trash and throw it away! Pomni, to Jax: Aight, which bin do you wanna go in-

====

Moon: Define “dream” Zooble: Dream - the first thing people abandon when they learn how the world works. Gangle: That’s too dark!

====

Pomni: You look good in that hoodie Ragatha: You know where else I'd look good? Pomni, zero hesitation: My bed. Ragatha, at the same time: By your side- wait, what?

====

Gangle: Okay. Hypothetically speaking, how mad would you be if I burned a hot pocket so badly it could probably fall off a ten-story building and be completely fine? Sun: Gangle, what did you do? Gangle: Take a guess

====

Ragatha: What do we say when making bread? Zooble, glumly: That's the dough rising Ragatha: And what do we NOT say? Jax, sadly: That's the yeast fucking

====

Caine: Oh no! The printer broke while printing out Jax's birthday invitations! Gangle: Well, what are they supposed to say? Caine: "Jax's birthday" Gangle: So, what do they say instead? Caine: "Jax’s bi" Gangle: Gangle: Works out either way

====

Jax: Kaufmo, you look deep in thought. What’s wrong? Kaufmo: Did you know you can look at any object and know what it’s like to lick it? Even if you’ve never touched it before? Jax: I’m never asking you anything ever again

====

Pomni: What are you in the mood for? Ragatha: World domination Pomni: That's a bit ambitious Ragatha: You are my world~ Pomni: Aww… Ragatha: Pomni: Ragatha: Pomni: OH.

====

Zooble: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Influencer will and will not eat Queenie: Grass? Yes! Zooble: Moss? Yes!! Queenie: Leaves? Ohh, yes! Zooble: Shoelaces? Strange but true! Queenie: Worms? Sometimes! Zooble: Rocks? Usually, nah Queenie: Twigs? Usually! Zooble: Kinger's cooking? Inconclusive! Moon: How did you… test this? Zooble: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it Moon: … I don’t know how to feel about this Kinger: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

====

Caine: I can't imagine what Influencer is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal

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Pomni: angrily presses Ragatha against a wall WHERE'S THE MONEY?! Ragatha: … Ragatha: Are we about to kiss-

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Sun: If we lose, you’re out of the will Pomni: I was in the will?

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Ragatha: What is it called when you kill a friend? Influencer: H0m1c1d3! Gangle: .......Murder-

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Sun: Everyone thinks you suck. Jax: I think you have the wrong number… Sun: Influencer? Jax: Nope. Jax Sun: Well, you probably suck too

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Able: According to the footage here, you shook the vending machine and when the shake alarm went off, you punched the glass and broke it Zooble: …I was hungry

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Influencer: @rs0n? 0h! Y0u m3@n "cr1m1 brûl33"!

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Moon: What the FUCK is this?!? Pomni, sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that’s what

====

Caine: I'm not superstitious… But I am a little stitious

[pizza-time-stops]

psa for y’all(cw: swearing)

if you wanna call me stupid, make sure you put “just like jeffrey bezos” after it, wack ass hoe.

if you wanna call me ugly, make sure you put “an” in front of it and “elon musk impersonator” after it, wack ass hoe.

and if you wanna call me a rich old man, don’t. i will cry and make sure you cry even more.