#cw talk of suicide

[the-haunted-office]

Slip a 🎙 into the inbox so my muse can confess something to yours. It can be a dark secret, or a guilty pleasure. Anything goes.(For Stanley and Pat)

Slip a 🎙 into the inbox so my muse can confess something to yours. It can be a dark secret, or a guilty pleasure. Anything goes.

Stanley thinks for a few quiet moments about what he wants to share with Patricia. There isn't really a lot about him that he could share, not that one might find interesting or memorable or unique. He's just... Stanley... and a good part of his life has been lost at the hands of his Narrator, at that. Literally lost, in the form of his memories, lost as a result of all the damage done to his body from being repeatedly cloned and having his consciousness transferred from body to body to body...

That does make him think of something. Something he could tell Patricia. It's not good, though. It's nothing cheerful or interesting. It dark and gruesome and actually... what if it triggers her? She's gone through something similar, he recalls. But if she trusted him enough to tell him such a thing, perhaps he could trust her...

Feeling greatly nervous, nervous enough that he doesn't even want to use his neural link to speak, he uses his hands to sign, "My Narrator- Do you remember me telling you about him? Arthur Wright? He used to have this room in the Office, the one I came from, that had an open... I guess it wasn't really a room, but I walked through a door to get into it. It was a wide open space, with a round platform hanging out in the middle of it. There was black space all around, but there were white spots way up high somewhere, like stars. I think they might have been stars. And floating in the air just off the platform, there were all these colorful orbs dancing around, changing colors, like they meant something. I don't know what they meant, though, it just felt like they... were there for a reason. I couldn't figure them out."

"Arthur loved that room - that place," he continues, his eyelids fluttering a little, because this story is very uncomfortable for him to talk about. "He kept trying to get me to go into there because he loved it so much. He said it made him feel happy. Something about that room made him feel so happy, he never wanted to leave, but he couldn't be happy unless I was in there with him. Actually, he said he couldn't even go into there unless I was in there with him, for some reason. Stupid, huh?"

"The first time I discovered the room by accident. Arthur didn't even know about it then either. It was an amazing thing for both of us. Until I wanted to leave. I got bored after standing there for a while, but he didn't want to go. He wanted to stay. It made him angry when I wanted to leave. He started berating me and calling me names. And then I saw the only way I could get back down was to-... was to jump down from this really high platform. I had no other choice. It was either stay in that room forever, or jump. So I jumped."

Stanley pauses in his story for a moment, because this is hard for him, and he isn't sure how Patricia is taking it all. And this isn't even the half of it.

He then makes himself go on. He signs, "Arthur yelled because he was afraid for me, but somehow I survived the fall. I was in a lot of pain, my arm was broken, but I lived. I went back up the stairs, but he was more concerned at trying to get me to go back into that other room at that point. He didn't seem to care that I was in pain. He just wanted to go back into the room with the lights. He couldn't get back into it without me. And for some reason, it just... it made me so angry. No, actually, I know the reason it made me angry. It's because he always treated me like that. Like a puppet. Like he only liked me and wanted me around because... I could do things for him. Do this, Stanley. Do that, Stanley. Stanley, I need you to press this button. Stanley, I need you to walk through this doorway. Stanley, I need you to complete the Story. It was always everything for him and about him, never caring about me or what I wanted or needed, or how hurt or scared I was, or anything."

"So... I jumped again. And lived again. But I was hurt even more. Broken leg that time. Arthur was screaming at me by this point, begging me to stop jumping, begging me to go back into the other room. I refused. I dragged myself back up the stairs again, because what else could I do? I couldn't just lie there. But... I didn't want to go back into that other room again because I was done being his plaything. So, I did it again. I jumped. And he was so upset. He started crying, pleading with me, and couldn't understand why I was doing it, thinking I was doing it to spite him, and you know what... he was right. It was to spite him. All of it. To spite him. Because I hated him."

Somehow during all of this, Stanley's expression has evolved from one of concern about Patricia's feelings to one of... nothing. Empty. He has the distant look of one staring at an oncoming train barreling down the tracks at him and yet he just stands there, watching it approach, waiting for it, knowing what will happen and yet unwilling to move.

His hands move again. "I think I jumped from that platform three or four times, maybe five, before I finally died. That was the first time I died in that Office by my own choice. That I did it knowing I was going to die. And I did it to spite my Narrator. After that, whenever I was fed up with him, I did it more times. Just to hear him scream and beg and cry, because I knew it would upset him. Because in that place it was the only........ thing..... that made me feel like I had... any sense of control."

There's another pause here as his hands drop and his dead, glazed over eyes shift over to meet Patricia's. "I'm sorry... I don't know why, but now, after all that, I feel really....... sorry I did all that. I think he deserved it, but I'm still....... sorry."

@drchandras-sanctuary-for-ais

[c6scaramouche]

Not gonna lie, I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable living in the US. And I'm not exactly sure what to do about it. It's not like it's an easy thing to move in terms of money, family & friends, language, etc.

Like, I joke about moving a lot, but some days I'm just so tired of this shithole of a country that cares more about profit, war, and violence rather than its own citizens' lives.

There are a few things alright about America, but the cons feel incredibly heavy nowadays compared to the pros.

Anyway, I just needed to rant because I'm currently feeling pretty distressed about it.

People always berate me for not wanting to live by this world's way of life and standards and get confused when I ask them if they do.

"Well that's just reality!"

Yeah. And that's why me and many other people want to kill ourselves rather than live in this 'reality'. (Don't worry, I'm not suicidal at the moment, my mental health is as stable as it's ever been)

This entire 'world' was created by us; everything is a social construct. And we can fucking change it if we really wanted to. But unfortunately, the disgusting greed of individualistic assholes is much louder than the rest of us.

I meant to end this already but my mind keeps thinking of more bullshit.

Anyways, ignore this. And if for some ungodly reason someone reads this and feels the need to be an asshole in replies, you'll be blocked immediately :)

[queersatanic]

I thought you were always supposed to call the police on a suicidal person? Cause they are a danger to themselves? That’s what the hotlines do. They take you to clinics? Right? What else do I do if my friend calls me saying she has a gun?? Do i call her parents?? That’s a large mental strain for every party. But you just saying “never call the cops” sounds very biased

"Don't call the fugitive-slave catchers on a suicidal person" seems to be pretty straightforward, right? "Don't call the strikebreakers on someone in a mental health crisis", "don't call the Stasi on someone who is a danger to themselves."

Because you're not calling someone whose job it is to help anyone going through a traumatic experience but to control the social order for the benefit of the owner class and status quo.

Someone who is upsetting the status quo and creating disorder — by, for example, screaming that they are Jesus Christ returned and need to die again — is someone police see as needing removed from society one way or another.

If your friend calls you telling you she has a gun, you keep her on the phone as long as you can and try to get people near her to help her. If you can, you go over yourself.

"That’s a large mental strain for every party." — right, and the fact that the easy thing is to call a government-approved gang to go over there and handle the situation for you is exactly the opposite of an endorsement of that response.

From the post you're ultimately responding to:

The Revolution™ is fun to imagine and involves no pain. But the real world does involve pain, and it’s necessary to exercise the muscles needed for future work and opportunities.

Life is not easy and neither are our responsibilities to our fellow people. That doesn't mean it's not worth doing. It is. It's just also very hard.

[mayasaura]

angle I think we might be sleeping on is John's downward spiral in Nona (his original one, not the one he's implied to be on in the main storyline) as allegory for drug addiction.

necromancy, and his reaction to it, are compared to drugs more than once, by multiple people. he abuses it as self-medication for helplessness, depression, and despair. his support network enables him at first, because they trust him, and because they don't have the background knowledge to recognise the danger. by the time they realise what's going on, he's spiraling wildly. he believes himself to be totally in control while his erratic behaviour has become a danger to himself and others, culminating in a violent suicidal breakdown in which he does unforgivable things he doesn't know how to live with or come back from

[give-grian-rights]

i never shut up with my friends about how fucking. cFundy just FUCKING KILLED HIMSELF? AS A WAY TO GET OUT OF A CONVERSATION WITH HIS DAD? like okay. okay. OKAY! thats a thing YOU CAN FUCKING DO I GUESS fucking shit fucking hell ?? ?

[whathorselegs]

To give an example of how many of these types of tags/replies I get, most (though not all) of these are all from one post.

This isn't meant to shame anyone, which is why I've cropped out usernames, so please don't take this as a personal attack if you leave these types of tags on art/writing. I'm only asking that you consider how you might feel when a whole bunch of people are tagging your work with comments about harming themselves in reaction to something you created.

I know it's meant to be a compliment but I have severe depression and anxiety and seeing so many of these comments is overwhelming and makes me actively dislike posts where I get so many of them. I stop interacting with those posts, I don't look at them and I've considered deleting posts I that I used to love.

Yes, I like writing angst and sad things. Yes, dramatic tags are fun! Even ones that are like "I'm exploding!" are fine, because that's ridiculous! "Crying, screaming, throwing up!", "I'm sobbing", "Frothing at the mouth" and many more silly/dramatic tags are absolutely fine with me! Just not ones that so blatantly involve self harm and suicide.

I'm not trying to tell anyone how they can or can't react to art/writing, but just consider that the writer/artist does see your tags, all the tags and stuff like this being repeatedly thrown someone's way can effect them mentally.

[wowa-bublord]

angeal haters kinda drive me crazy because how can you say his death was him being cowardly and not think it's cruel,,, like it WAS a suicide. it is ALWAYS a nasty thing to call suicide cowardly. It's just such a mean spirited take of his character

[jakeperalta]

not to be dramatic but um. how do people work full time their whole lives without killing themselves

[qpjianghu]

"How to Save a Life," The Fray

Fang Duobing & Li Lianhua | Mysterious Lotus Casebook (2023)

[thefakehedgehogaroundhere]

i'm most likely not going to be that active on social media today, so i'm making this post for the day:

everyone, stay alive.

i have seen a lot of people saying they would kill themselves if trump won. every other post under the us elections tag was something along those lines. and the thing is that is what he wants.

he wants anyone who is not white, male, cis, or straight to die.

and if you do that, who is going to stand up against it?

who is going to remain after his presidency ends?

the sad thing is by having our country vote for him, we avoided the bloodbath he said it would be if he lost.

please don't be the bloodbath he didn't get to make.

[lilac-set]

Reminder: even if trump wins, we’ll be ok. The presidency isnt the only political position that matters, he wont be a dictator, the president doesnt have the power to remove every other part of government that keeps the president’s power in check. Also politics isnt the only thing that matters. Even if we lose some rights (which he cant singlehandedly do) we still have community, we still have activism, we’ll always be ok. We survived one trump presidency, we can survive another. We survived before gay marriage or transitioning were legal, if we have to survive that again we will. Please, no matter what happens, promise to stay alive. Youre valuable, youre important, and youre going to be ok. Its better to be overprepared than underprepared. Im not asking you to lose hope (im doing the opposite of that), im asking you to practice coping ahead, get all your coping skills ready, determine now to stay alive, because i dont want any of you to make any rash decisions later in case we get bad news and emotions are high. Make a safety plan if you need to. Make sure you’re gonna be ok

[daisybell-on-a-carousel]

Still very wild to me when people try to gotcha Jason with the whole "if you can kill other people for being evil why can't they kill you" when jason is like. One of the most passively suicidal characters I've ever seen. What if man

[namtan]

DEAD FRIEND FOREVER | Ep 6

[akechi-stole-my-heart]

People have speculated whether Goro intended to die after the election once his justice was served. Ala, "Goro never thought he'd live past 18." After all, using what he'd done as blackmail on Shido to end his career would also essentially end his own life, and with no big reason to keep living, why would he go on? And honestly, I think Goro just. isn't thinking that far ahead at all.

Like sure, it's definitely occured to him that his life would become a scandal, but that's true regardless of his crimes if his identity were to become public, so I don't think he gives a shit about that. He's probably thought about how things might go down one way or another, but I don't think any of that actually matters to him. All that actually matters is that Shido is humiliated and at his mercy. The moment of victory over him is all that's relevant, what comes after...isn't.

Maybe he'll live for a few years while he and Shido are convicted for their crimes and then off himself. Maybe he'll live the rest of his life out in prison. Maybe he'll hold his blackmail over Shido's head for years, making his life a living nightmare knowing it could all come crashing down at any moment. Maybe this, maybe that, whatever, who cares. None of that is important to him. All that matters is that he gets his revenge and for once in his pathetic life feels like he has the power.

What is true, though, is that Goro doesn't see a future for himself, at least not one that is positive or meaningful. Whether or not he continues to live in the literal sense, his life will functionally end the day of the election. So I think "he never thought he'd live past 18" does get at an important truth, even if I don't think it's necessarily a literal truth. He is throwing his whole life away for the sake of getting revenge--though, really, what life did he even have before anyway? In his mind, his life has always been defined by Shido, has always been utterly dispensable--he might as well use the worthless thing to destroy what ruined it on his way out.

[mamawasatesttube]

sneak peek of a fic that will Probably go up tomorrow: kon in the aftermath of a run-in with manchester black, aka "kon has ✨trauma✨ about mind control!"

Manchester Black wanted to make him hurt Tim. Tim, and Lois, and Ma, and John Henry, and Nat, and—

“Kon,” Tim prompts, when it becomes clear that Kon’s getting lost in his head again. Kon latches onto his voice like a drowning man thrown a life preserver amid the stormy waves.

“He,” Kon starts, and has to stop to clear the ice crystals from his throat. Are his eyes too warm? “He said he—he said he’d make me… He wants to make Kal regret—he wants Kal to regret not killing him. He wants—he wants Kal to come back and—and find that he made me k-kill—”

His voice cracks as the memories flash through his mind again, all too vivid. He doesn’t want to remember the way Cassie begged and pleaded him to come back to himself, the way she cried out in pain when he hit her.

“Kon,” Tim murmurs again, his brows drawn together in dismay. His lips press together, a thin, flat line. He sounds pained.

“He knows, Tim,” Kon whispers. He’s known for years that Manchester Black stole all the secrets from Kal’s mind, but he’s never actually faced him, not since that time he sent the Atomic Skull to clobber Kon years ago. And even then, Kon didn’t actually do much. It was all Kal, saving everyone as usual.

Tim’s eyes widen again. “Knows—?”

“He knows everything.” Kon swallows hard against the painful lump in his throat. “He—he said he’d make me kill Lois. And John Henry. And—and Ma.”

Tim sucks in a breath like he’s just been sucker-punched. Kon flinches.

But Tim doesn’t pull away. He actually comes closer, curling over Kon in his hospital bed as though he can shield him from the world with his own body. It’s a little awkward, the way he has to position himself because he doesn’t want to put weight on Kon’s stomach, near the wound, but Kon’s heart lurches in his chest all the same.

“Oh, Kon.” Tim kisses his forehead, understanding and grief in his voice. His face is blank again, like he’s pissed as hell but trying to hide it. Kon wants to cling to him so badly, but he doesn’t dare, not when the memory of that horrible wet crunch is still so close.

“And he—” Kon squeezes his eyes shut. “He made me remember. Like it was happening again. And he laughed. Tim, he… he said he might make me kill you, too, and—and I can’t—”

“Shhh.” Tim cradles him closer as his voice chokes off again, guiding Kon’s face into the crook of his neck. “You won’t hurt me.”

“But I did!” Kon cries, distraught. “I broke your arm! Batman even said, I’m just a weapon grown in a test tube—”

Tim jerks back, his eyes flashing. “He said that?”

Kon bites his lip. “…You didn’t know?”

“I didn’t.” Tim’s breath hisses out between his teeth. He always does that, the slow breath in through his nose, then out through his mouth, when he’s angry and trying not to be. “That isn’t—” He makes a scathing, disparaging noise and shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. He’s wrong.”

[much-ado-about-whumping]

Help for when you’re having a rough time

(If you're looking for my old pinned post with my whump masterlists, you can find it here.)

In light of some deeply sad news in the whump community today, I’m thinking about how many of us here struggle with mental health, sometimes including physical or mental self-harm and suicidality. Since I know lots of folks might be having a hard time right now, I wanted to share some resources that have helped me in rough moments. Please feel free to add on to this post (or make your own, if you want!) with the resources that have worked for you. 

First, a note:

Trauma, shame, and suicidality all tend to isolate - they make us feel like we’re all alone in the world, like no one else would understand us, and like the only solutions we have available to us are ones we can think of all by ourselves. In my experience, the antidote to that is connection. If you’re feeling scared or alone, you can hop into my asks or DMs if you want. I’m sure there are other folks in this community who would offer that, too. Many of us have grappled with mental health struggles, including suicidal ideation, and sometimes we can offer each other the care that can be hard to offer ourselves. Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need support.

A quick note about location: I live in the US, but about half the resources in this post are written guides you can access from anywhere. The hotlines and warmlines linked below are US-based. One or two are accessible in Canada or have an online chat or moderated forum that could be accessed anywhere. If you have good local resources from another place, please reblog and add them! (Thank you, @straight-to-the-pain, for flagging this in the notes!)

That said, here’s my absolute first recommendation if you’re feeling generally awful and don’t know what to do:

1. You Feel Like Shit (also available at its original site here)

If you’ve read a lot of ~self care tips~ in your life (and if you’re a bit of a salty bitch like me), you might be sick of being told to eat something and take a nap. (I don’t think we can hydrate our way out of long-term trauma and late-stage capitalistic hell, but thanks.) That said, I’ve found this site REALLY helpful. Personally, I have ADHD and CPTSD, a combination that makes it ROUGH for me to know how to take care of myself sometimes. This site speaks to you calmly, like a non-judgemental friend, and walks you through steps that you might struggle with if you have a hard time with executive function in general, or if you’re ill, grieving, overwhelmed, or otherwise just off your game. I pretty much always walk away feeling at least a little better, even if I don’t complete every step.

There are more suggestions and resources below the cut. Wishing everyone in this community love and care. <3

2. The 15-Minute Rule (info available in many places; after a quick google, I really like this site as a place to start)

One key principle to understanding the resources I’ve put together here is the 15-minute rule. If you’re feeling an urge towards physical or mental self-harm or suicide, studies show that the urge is unlikely to last more than about 15 minutes at its peak intensity. (Sorry I don’t have data on this off the bat - anecdotally, I can tell you that this rule also tracks with my own personal experience.) This means that, if you’re presently feeling overwhelmed by grief or pain that’s turning inwards on you, if you can stay afloat through the next few minutes, the tide of it is likely to ebb. The site I linked above has information about this concept and some great harm-reduction ideas, too. (Another resource on this that I liked in my quick search is here.)

3. Read This First (a compassionate distraction from feelings of self-harm)

I’m gonna be honest; this resource is aimed at folks having urges towards physical self-harm, but it looks like something I would find helpful with urges towards emotional self-harm, too. (It also looks like it could be handy for body-focused repetitive behaviors - BFRBs - like dermatillomania/skin-picking or trichotillomania/hair-pulling).

4. Resources from Pete Walker, psychotherapist and author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

Obviously not everyone reading this will have complex PTSD (also called C-PTSD), but if you’re a person who, in general, tends to beat yourself up a lot, I’d highly recommend checking Pete Walker’s work out. If some of it doesn’t apply to you, that’s okay - take what you need, and leave the rest. This site (and the book it references most heavily) assumes you may have had parents who were emotionally or physically abusive or neglectful. If that doesn’t ring true for you, but other parts of the resources seem helpful, use them anyway! A handy place to start maybe this page on Shrinking the Inner Critic in Complex PTSD (that is, reducing the volume of the voice that screeches unpleasantness at you when you feel ashamed or scared).

As a note: this website looks VERY mid-2000s (which I kind of love). Most of the resources you want will be in the right-hand column full of links. Some of those links will open new pages, and some will automatically try to download a PDF of the article you want to read. 

5. Warmlines:

This is something I just learned today - if you’re feeling really lonely and sad, but you’re not in immediate crisis, there are warmlines you can contact! These seem to be numbers where you can call (or sometimes text) to talk with a counselor or trained peer when you need support and connection. I can’t vouch for any of these numbers personally, but as someone who has definitely thought, “It’s not bad enough to REALLY need help,” I think this is a fabulous idea. Here’s a list of warmlines you can check out in the US.

6. Specialized hotlines: 

There are lots of good crisis hotlines out there, but some may be better for your needs than others. For one thing, if you’re feeling seriously suicidal, it’s good to know the policies of the hotline you’re calling. In my opinion, everyone deserves bodily autonomy and the right to refuse care; for that reason, I think it’s important to know the policy of the hotline you’re calling as to whether or not they’ll call emergency services without your consent. Everyone has to make their own judgment call on this one, and I’m a little too (lightly!) triggered to go deep into my analysis on this right now, but I wanted to flag that it’s something to be aware of - if you’re going to call a hotline, you can try to look up their policy on calling emergency services before you contact them. You could probably even ask them in the beginning of the call. (A script: “Before we start, can you tell me what your policy is about contacting emergency services on behalf of callers?” If this is true, you can add: “I’m having some feelings of [suicidality/self-harm], but I’m safe and am not in danger of hurting myself or others.”)

With that in mind, here are some hotlines that seem promising to me, in no particular order:

A. For queer and trans folks in general:

Trans LifeLine

Available in the US (1-877-565-8860) and Canada (1-877-330-6366)

Available in English and Spanish

Will NOT call emergency services without your consent (you can read more about this policy on their website, including here)

Peer to peer support for transgender and questioning folks; also, microgrants (small amounts of money) for trans-related needs!

Does not offer text/chat-based support

I’ve never used Trans LifeLine myself, but I’ve heard excellent things about it from peers who have.

The Trevor Project:

Support from trained counselors for queer, trans, and questioning folks

Definitely available in the US; I’m not sure where else.

Offers support via phone (1-866-488-7386), text message (678-678), and online chat (link here - scroll down to Start Chat)

Also offers an online peer support space, TrevorSpace, for folks ages 13-24

Their site says, “In very specific instances of abuse or a clear concern of an in-progress or imminent suicide, Trevor counselors may need to contact a child welfare agency or emergency service.” When you click Learn More, it takes you to their Terms of Service (informative, but in legalese that might be hard to parse if you’re in crisis).

Again, not a service I’ve used myself, but I’ve heard good things!

B. For BIPOC folks (Black folks, Indigenous folks, and people of color more broadly), especially those who also hold LQBTQI identities:

Call Blackline:

Available via phone or text (both at 1-800-604-5841)

Available for people in crisis. Call Blackline can also help connect you with local community organizers and officials if you need to report a negative, inappropriate, or physical interaction with police, other law enforcement, or vigilantes.

From their website:

Call BlackLine® provides a space for peer support, counseling, reporting of mistreatment, witnessing and affirming the lived experiences for folxs who are most impacted by systematic oppression with an LGBTQ+ Black Femme Lens.Call BlackLine® prioritizes BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color). By us for us.

Here’s what I found regarding their policy on emergency services:

You do not have to provide any personal information to use the service. All calls remain private and will never be shared with law enforcement or state agencies of any kind.

Of course, a BIPOC person can contact any hotline for support, but for people dealing with racism, anti-Blackness, and other specific bigotries, I can very much see the importance of talking to someone who shares or understands that experience.

C. For folks processing bad psychedelic trips:

Fireside Project:

This one is something I didn’t even know existed! They do call- or text-based support (1-623-473-7433, or 1-62-FIRESIDE) for people processing psychedelic drug experiences, available 11am to 11pm Pacific time. I don’t have a ton more info, but their site seems really interesting and like they’re serving a unique need.

7. A soothing distraction:

One of the glories of the internet is the fact that it enables us to conjure up images of kittens at a moment’s notice. In that vein, I want to offer up a VERY cute distraction: Peptoc is a hotline (1-707-873-7862, or 1-707-8PEPTOC) where you can hear encouraging messages in English or Spanish from kindergarteners. How sweet is that? (Thanks to the wonderful @newbornwhumperfly for this suggestion!)

--------

Beloved whump community, I want to know about things that help you when you’re struggling. Please feel free to share them if you want.

And, Moya - we’ll miss you so, so much, even those of us (like me) who didn’t know you well. May your memory be an absolute blessing. <3

(I was going to put this in the tags, but oops, it’s going up here - I really hope this post will be helpful to someone, but it was also helpful to me to build. I feel better in a crisis when I can find a way to help - it’s how I soothe myself when I’m sad or scared. I really hope this doesn’t seem preachy or self-aggrandizing - it’s really just me processing-processing-processing. <3)

One more note: if this post makes you think you might want to follow my blog, you're totally welcome, but you should check out my note here first. This is not a DNI list; it's just a heads-up about my content, which could be inappropriate or triggering for some people.