#cw suicide threats

[borderline-culture-is]

(MAJOR CW: RAPE, ABLEISM, THE MELANIE MARTINEZ AND PUMPKIN THE GENTLEMAN SITUATIONS, SUICIDE THREATS, PSYCH WARDS) --- bpd culture is making a tony crynight discord server out of spite because nobody in the already-existing server seems to understand wtf having bpd is actually like and how to properly communicate boundaries with someone who has bpd

Context:

(disclaimer: some details may be inaccurate because I don't 100% remember what happened, and I'm trying to recall it to the best of my ability)

in the first server, I was talking about the pumpkin the gentleman situation because I was frustrated at how people were handling it(mainly through unneeded jokes about a particular video that had nothing to do with the overall situation), and at first, everyone was agreeing with me on what I said, but after I brought up the melanie martinez situation (because the same shit was happening to that situation too, mainly calling her "felony fartinez" and the ungodly amount of rape threats getting thrown around), they started to switch up on me and even started to make jokes about the ptg situation themselves just to confirm that their opinion changed.

Frustrated, I ended up leaving the server and blocking a few people that were in the server, splitting from them in the process, and I was left emotionally dysregulated for the rest of the day afterwards.

A few hours later, I unblocked one of my friends and apologized to him for what happened, and he said I was allowed to come back as long as I didn't talk about the ptg situation because everyone was uncomfortable with talking about it entirely.

Now, I know this probably sounds unreasonable, and I'm not saying he was in the wrong for this because he didn't know what happened himself, but I feel like the people in the server should've just communicated beforehand that they weren't comfortable with the discussion of the ptg situation, instead of pretending to agree up untill the mention of the melanie martinez situation, because that just sounds like they switched up on me to trigger me on purpose, so naturally, that set me off, like a lot.

So I got back on the server and started mass-blocking everyone, and then I left after that. The stress from that + some unrelated stuff that was going on sent me into a spiral that led to me threatening to kill myself (and just to clarify: when it happened I was experiencing suicidal urges, so yes, I was actually gonna go through with it). I put an end date in my bio on all of my social medias and left it at that.

Two of the people from the server tried messaging me, but because i was in a split from them, I told them to fuck off and leave me alone. This will be important later.

I'm just honestly lucky that I had an irl friend who was staying the night that day, because they saw what was going on and went to check up on me, same with my mom and sister. That, and also seeing ptg's apology video where he explained a few things and took accountability for the things he did wrong, helped me calm down and regulate to a point where I could think logically. Realizing what I just did, I decided that maybe it was time for me to get help.

So after a bit, I came back to the server and apologized for what happened, and let everyone know that I was voluntarily admitting myself to the psych ward because I realized the mental state I was in was getting worse.

Let's just say people weren't too happy about it, because they all started to chew me out, mostly through condescending comments and yelling at me over what happened. This caused me to dysregulate again, and I tried everything I could to get them to understand what I was going through, while repeatedly saying that I was sorry because I didn't want the friends I genuinely cared about to leave me (abandonment issues am I right). I brought up how I was getting admitted to the psych ward, and one of them said "great for you" in a condescending tone, just as an example of the condescension being thrown around in there. They were also telling me that I was trying to manipulate them because of the amount of times I said "i'm sorry."

one of my friends was trying to de-escalate the situation, but the people in the server kept pushing and making it worse. I eventually left the server crying, and the friends in question was comforting me the whole time, which helped me a lot.

I took some time to reflect on what happened while I was at the ward, and even after I was discharged, and after a few weeks, I realized that it wasn't entirely my fault, and in fact, it's no big surprise why I did what I did.

the people in the server manipulated me into believing that I could trust them with whatever opinion I had in mind, and then they decided to switch up on me with no warning, triggering me into an episode that led me to do something bad and out of character (because before this I haven't threatened myself since 2023), and then they blamed me for what happened, further worsening my mental state.

If that doesn't sound like reactive abuse, idk what does.

The reason why I say that is because they KNEW I had bpd, I disclosed it to everyone the same day I got diagnosed, and they all acted supportive of it, and then used that to their advantage when I was at my most vulnerable to emotional dysregulation.

Of course, I'm aware that threatening suicide isn't okay regardless, and it's triggering for some people, but at the same time, I couldn't think logically when it happened, so obviously I acted in a way that was unreasonable. I am trying to work on myself a bit more to prevent something like that from happening again, and I'm also taking mood stabilizers to help with the emotional dysregulation.

I'm just extremely frustrated at how stigmatized BPD is, because I feel like what happened was because of the stigma, and what they did just basically contributed to it, and I also feel like some of them were uneducated about bpd, which also contributed to what happened. But overall i'm still shaken from what happened, and I'd rather not be associated with that server anymore.

They did end up banning me after what happened, so in retaliation, I made my own server, which has better security measures and more strict rules regarding ableism and triggering content than the last one. A few of my friends are currently in that server, and I'm planning to publish the official link for it here on Tumblr and on youtube after I post this.

Constructive criticism on this question is welcome, because I want to know if I was in the wrong here, and if so if there are things I can do to improve myself should I be in another situation like this.

All I can say anymore is this: Niko, go fuck yourself. <3

.

[crystalsandbubbletea]

Things RWDE people need to accept:

(TW: Suicide threats, body shaming, racism, ableism, ableist language, queerphobia)

Bmblb wasn't "Rushed", the evidence was there since Volume 1

LGBTQIA+ being in RWBY isn't a "plot hole"

Jaune isn't a "self-insert", Jaune acts nothing like Miles Luna, the accusations also made Miles uncomfortable to the point he doesn't feel comfortable writing any of Jaune's actions and dialogue

Celebrating people losing their jobs isn't a good thing (I saw y'all celebrating Rooster Teeth employees losing their jobs. Would you do the same if it was a loved one who lost a job?)

Telling people to kill themselves over a fandom isn't acceptable

Shaming POC RWBY fans and calling them racist slurs isn't acceptable, whitewashing POC characters also isn't acceptable

Calling RWBY fans the r-slur isn't acceptable

Calling RWBY fans ableist slurs isn't acceptable

Body shaming RWBY fans isn't acceptable

Telling RWBY fans they're 'delusional' isn't acceptable

Calling RWBY fans queerphobic slurs isn't acceptable

Hating people for being in a fandom isn't okay

It isn't RWBY fans who are toxic, it's y'all.

Sincerely,

-A neurodivergent queer Indigenous American RWBY fan

[valcksys]

i was worried abt telling my therapist how whenever im in a bad space and im like in a room with people my immediate thoughts are “im gonna kill myself” or “im gonna kill everyone in this room” because I thought she might see me as a threat but she just asked if I actually had violent intent and obviously I said no and then she said that she thinks it’s just a reaction to being overstimulated and my way of saying “I need to be left alone right now” and my mind was blown because that’s exactly it lol

[autistic-zukoao3]

Fucking do it, coward

[dragonturtle2]

A predator will be attending Milwaukee Ponyville Ciderfest

Content warning: sexual abuse, self-harm, online harassment, and the propositioning of a minor

The person’s name is Kaitlin Hahn. Aka, SilverMoon, aka RainbowDashie5.0, aka rockcandypower43. [Addendum: aka Rainbowdashloverocks]

Earlier this year it came out that Kaitlin had prompted a 16-year-old for a sexual encounter. This was published in a compilation document posted online by a man with the username Reverend Shadow. He had compiled stories, screenshots, and links of people acting dangerously in the MLP community (and by extension the Furry and Sonic game community). The document went through several revisions and address changes, and you can read the non-Google doc version on Wordpress. You can just read the sections about Kaitlin, but the entire thing is useful.

https://revshadow.wordpress.com/the-document/8/#chapter-iii-part-i-kaitlin-s-error

The person who first told me about the document was Blackjack (John Bergeman). The events were also acknowledged to me as real by her boyfriend, Gage O’Laughlin. Gage has been my friend since college, and were former roommates and co-workers for years after graduation. Kaitlin has also admitted to what she has attempted with a minor in different formats. Kaitlin made a strange YouTube apology video, where she vaguely acknowledged she did something “extremely wrong” with a 16-year-old. As well as harassing an 11-year-old.

Even the apology video was done shadily. It was set to private, and posted on her second more obscure YouTube channel. All so that fewer people would ever see her admitting fault. I only first saw it because someone shared the private link with me. The link that I’m sharing with you is just Reverend Shadow recording of it. (The original video was called “ I am willing to change.” The recording Reverend Shadow posted has a different, much more specific title). Her video came after the evidence about her was made public. A more immediate confession was when she got blocked by then-boyfriend Gage O'Laughlin (He’s unfortunately gotten back with her), she began messaging a friend of ours named Jared Miller Christian. She was begging him to convey her messages to Gage, begging Gage to unblock her, and admitting “I sent that thing to that 16-year-old because I was fucking horny.”

This is a well-known pattern of Kaitlin’s. Someone doesn’t want to talk to her, so she spams them with calls and messages. Then if she gets blocked, she begins spamming them on different services like Facebook, Discord, or even over games like Animal Crossing. If none of those get a response, she begins bothering a shared mutual to pass along a bunch of her messages. Kaitlin has been an abusive person for years. Nothing that would qualify getting banned from a convention or calling the police, but once the story dropped about how she wanted to have sex with a minor, everything that happened with her really illustrates how irrational she is. How little regard she has for other people.

Years before this story broke of propositioning a minor (and trying to cheat on her boyfriend Gage O'Laughlin again), we kicked her out of the Milwaukee Bronies group because she was a jerk to everyone, and threatened someone on Facebook. There was a dude who was selling a few plushies; Kaitlin offered money for one that WASN’T for sale. When the guy kept politely saying “no,” she threatened to call the police to his address for ‘false advertising.’ Plenty of people in Milwaukee Bronies can tell you that story, including our leaders.

On February 26th of 2024, John Bergeman (aka Blackjack, who has worked with Ciderfest very often) blocked her because she had been pestering him over something. She got so upset, she created a new group chat with him and Jared Christian, where she threatened to kill herself if Blackjack didn’t answer her phone calls. Jared then called me, because he was so freaked out. Someone had to call the nonemergency number, even if we had our doubts she would actually do anything. After this, she had to have a stint in a mental hospital. When she got picked up that night, it turned out neither of her parents knew where she was actually was at the time. Kaitlin‘s parents are divorced, and she is barred by Illinois law from living on her own. In actuality, she had been staying over at the house of a different, cheating on her boyfriend. (She also apparently tried convincing her sister, to join them). This lover had met her because he had been hired by her parents to drive her to work. He was mostly paid through subsidies granted by the state of Illinois. That used to be a job performed by her Gage, until he had to move back to his home state Wisconsin, and their relationship became long distance. These are screenshots from that night.

On June 10th, 2023, Simone Smudde and Matt Rypel were married. They are the leaders of Milwaukee Bronies, and everyone in the group got invited. Kaitlyn obviously wasn’t; Simone has said that before Kaitlyn was booted, she made Simone anxious just by being around her. Kaitlyn always hated being banned from group meetings, and generally hated it when Gage was spending time with anyone and it didn’t involve her. Gage gave me a lift in his car to the ceremony in Wisconsin, and we bunked at his parents’ house for the 22nd and 23rd. Throughout the 22nd, Kaitlyn kept calling him to demand he cancel his attendance, and leave me to figure a way there myself. Then on the 23rd, she threatened Gage and Blackjack to kill herself for attending the wedding without her. That all the Bronies wanted her dead. She also laid out some offensive remarks about the bride and groom. At the couples’ request, I will not be making those personal comments public. But they have been shared with the con staff.

These messages were being before and during the ceremony, and were then shared with me in deep exasperation during the dinner. I have not posted them in any particular order.

A few days later that June, Kaitlyn got hospitalized. She got on someone’s birthday party stream (on FaceTime, I think) and began stabbing herself with thumbtacks. Person C was attending that stream. Person C texted this information with Blackjack, who shared the screenshots of those texts with me. (I’m not using Person C’s name because I have not had the chance to reach out to them and ask their permission.)

As disturbing as this is, it wasn’t an actual attempt on her life. This was Kaitlyn being as alarming as she could be to punish the people she felt had wronged her. She tries to control people using guilt, alarm and anxiety. I first saw behavior in that same vein in 2021, a year into Gage first dating Kaitlyn, after he and I had moved into a new apartment together. For now I will not be going into detail out of respect for Gage's privacy and his own abuse. But it HAS been shared with Ciderfest. I know it's wishful thinking, but I do hope he listens to the advice of all his friends and family and cut her out of his life.

I never met her sister Lexi, but Kaitlin has been making her sister feel unsafe as well. Recently she told Lexi that if she didn’t do what Kaitlin wanted, Kaitlin would lie to Reverend Shadow to put Lexi’s name on the document naming sex predators & enablers. Fortunately, Kaitlin made this threat on a livestream, and he recorded it.

Her sister I feel bad for, because she’s also disabled and doesn’t really have the ability to go anywhere else. One of the people I've talked to while creating this is Lexi’s confidant. Meanwhile, the parents are either unable or unwilling to do anything to restrain Kaitlin. I have spoken once with her father, Merlin Hahn, since I read about the allegations. It was on a phone call with Gage. Besides Merlin acknowledging that the events happened, he claimed that it wasn’t pedophilia. His excuse was that Kaitlin’s mental diagnosis made her like a middle schooler. I told him that besides that not sounding like something defensible, I asked why he accepted years of Kaitlin dating some men her age or older, and did not share a similar cognitive diagnosis. Men who he did not also consider middle schoolers. He did not have an answer.

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Everything I've wrote above was presented to the con staff on October 9th, and I was only told about the current decision to let her attend October 26th. And that was just because I asked. I was told "Royal Guard and leadership are very aware, are vigilant about it and handling. If they do show up and if they do cause ANY problems. Please let me or any Royal Guard know."

I had provided a link to where the story first broke, recorded conversations, as well as my experiences with Kaitlin Hahn over the years. I promised that "If anything I’ve given you seemed falsified, or too vague, please let me know so I can provide details, fix my error. I’m willing to do a video interview, or help set one up with someone else." The only reassurance I got was "Really they are being watched with a magnifying glass." But I don't get the point of a magnifying glass, or security camera, or some other looking device metaphor, when something obviously harmful has been observed, and no action is taken.

Kaitlin did not attend Whinney City 2024. I had mistakenly thought she was prohibited from coming by the convention itself. But actually, the reason she didn't come to Schaumburg is because Gage O'Laughlin was too angry with her to provide a ride or a room. A few months later, any misgivings Gage might still have he's chosen to ignore.

Kaitlin is still coming to Ciderfest. Just as she has in years past, and I'm sure plans to in the years to come. The thought process behind allowing her in seems like it treats the convention as some kind of vacuum, that what a person says and does outside of it doesn't matter for the people attending. Or that the people who run the con somehow don't have the right to alter anything. They won’t take real action unless something happens WITHIN the location and timeframe of the convention (or if Kaitlin dropped an extremely specific threat). I asked permission from Ciderfest if I could include the names of the staff members I spoke to about this, and I was not given permission. I can attest though that they were important people, and have a reputation for responsibility. While reaching out to con staff, I was repeatedly told how busy they were. If that affected the outcome of this decision, or stopped them for noticing Kaitlin's behavior in the first place, then I strongly recommend they reserve more of their time and effort for keeping congoers safe as possible. Of the people I've named in these events, most of them I have reached out to for permission to use their names. They never spoke to me about anyone from the con reaching out for their accounts, or confirmation of events.

No, I don't think Kaitlin is going to assault or touch anyone while the at the convention. I just firmly believe a person like this just shouldn't be allowed in our spaces. It feels gross on its own, being in the same room as someone like that. Parents bring their kids to this convention. But I also sincerely feel like this could lead to problems down the road. Letting unbalanced abusers walk around puts a veneer of normalcy on them, that lets them get closer to unsuspecting people. As for people who DO know about Kaitlin's abuses, this sets the precedent that these things won't be opposed, that the abuser won't lose any privileges. So other abusers won't feel apprehensive in acting this way, and victims won't feel like there's a point in speaking up and seeking help.

A person who does all this shouldn't get to be included in our convention community; not be given the same privileges, and not nearly the standard of trust given to the rest of us who've done nothing wrong. Feeling like we can open up to complete strangers, and feel safe, is part of what makes these conventions so wonderful. Regardless if Ciderfest/Whinney City don't take preventative action, I hope this information will prevent anyone from approaching this bully and predator unsuspectingly.

[atcarpenter]

Tara works very hard to make sure Amber doesn't think of herself as stupid for caring about Richie and reassures her that it was her kindness that helped Tara during the worst of her home life and Tara honestly doesn't think she'd have made it through living with Christina if it wasn't for Amber being so caring

Her mom helps as well and says how proud she is to have a daughter who cares so deeply and will do anything for those she cares about. Mindy would even help by saying that, while she snarks about it on occasion, she always respected Amber for being so sincere and loving others so deeply and says the world needs more people like her

Goody would be very up for the task and she'd enjoy hearing from the girls about all the new torture methods invented in the years since. She's already making preparations for when she finds Joseph Crackstone so she likes getting ideas for other horrible people

I think all three Carpenter women have a lot of anger and can be genuinely frightening when pushed. Tara and Sam just keep it only for those who hurt them and those they care about while Christina never got her temper under control and lashed out at those who tried to help her

After reading those horrible texts and hearing Amber's stories, Tara goes all in on the affection and clinginess and does lots of little things to help Amber feel just a little bit better. Amber won't pretend she doesn't love it, especially after how hard it was going back over those messages

Definitely and they are always trying to find more. Amber would absolutely have a Thing plushy as the two of them became really close during Wednesday and Enid's last visit. Amber could talk about Richie and being with Tara now and trying to reconnect with her mom and Thing was incredibly supportive and listened to her which she really appreciated so having her own little version to hug means a lot to her. Thing himself is flattered upon finding out about it

Amber started having those thoughts more and more and she felt terrible at first because, as far as she knew, Richie was struggling and she felt awful wanting to be with someone else. Tara absolutely felt a lot of longing and she didn't know that Tara felt the same and would fantasize about Tara giving her a small kiss on the cheek or forehead, just as friends.

Tara would start giving her little kisses on the cheek, insisting they were just a platonic sign of affection. Amber didn't know how to respond at first but absolutely loved them and so was happy to get them. Neither knew just how much the other was crushing on them which Mindy and Sam are both shocked by given how literally everyone else saw it, even Wednesday and that was before she'd even met Amber

Tara makes sure to give Amber space and make some her for herself. She gets really into weight lifting and body building with Sam and taking up martial arts. It starts as a way to work through her anger about Richie but she sticks with it after because she enjoys the feeling. And Amber loves how strong Tara gets and seeing her muscles, especially when she wears one of her pink sweaters and her arm muscles are visible

They will sometimes go to each other's classes. Amber will join Tara at the gym or Muay Thai and Tara will go to Amber's ballet class. Amber had always loved dancing but quit because she felt out of place and Richie made her think she wasn't any good. She's taking it back up again and had forgotten how much she loved it

Tara and Amber love that they're friends with a werewolf now. They bring it up whenever films like The Howling or An American Werewolf In London are brought up, mentioning that they are friends with an actual werewolf. Enid loves the feeling after her own mother always made her think she wasn't a real wolf

Amber was truly shocked to learn about Tara's kinky side but also excited and the two love coming up with new things to try together and getting ideas from Enid and Wednesday. Wednesday also thought she was the kinkier one until finding out just how hardcore Enid could be. It really helps Amber with her intimacy issues and learn to really enjoy sex in a way she feared she would never be able to after Richie

The others clear out and give them the apartment every few weeks, officially so that Tara and Amber can have a romantic night together but really just so they don't have to hear the noises coming from their room.

It really did. Tara reminds her that she spent years being there for Tara almost every hour of every day, and she tells her that she wouldn't know where she'd be today if it weren't for Amber being there for her during that time, and it is no exaggeration. She makes sure that Amber knows how much she values her protective, caring traits and that they are what make her her. The reassurance from the others helps too. Her mother being proud of her almost comes as a bit of a surprise to her even if it shouldn't anymore at that point. Sam also pitches in to say that not only does she value Amber for how she cares about all of them and how protective she is -- and that she was there for Tara when Sam herself couldn't be, which Sam is so grateful for -- but she also takes strength and comfort from the way Amber balances being a weird lil freak who likes homicide too much while being a loving, devoted soul at the same time, same as Sam

Goody loves learning about modern torture methods, and the modern world in general, once she gets in touch with it through Wednesday. She is finding enjoyment in tormenting souls that deserve it. It's probably cathartic after harbouring a lot of resentment and anger from her lifetime, and she'll be glad for coming prepared once she gets to her nemesis

Yeah, that makes sense. They all have a lot of violence stored in them and the capacity to be coping poorly with what life throws at them, which in all of their cases is a lot, but the sisters both try really hard and keep each other up and steady when it's hard, whereas it is debatable whether Christina ever tried at all. If she did, she gave up completely by now, at the latest probably when her husband or Sam walked out

Those text and stories get to Tara, more than she had expected. She hadn't really considered someone doing something like that to someone at all before that point, and it baffles her how someone can be so sick to someone, especially someone like Amber. So, doing these little things for Amber makes her feel better too. It comforts her to be there for her and push these memories of Richie out of the room. And it's hard for Amber. She won't lie, reliving those situations with him gets to her badly. So, she lets Tara know that her support is appreciated and that it goes a long way for her. She probably really needs Tara to be there for her in that moment, otherwise it would probably get real dark in her head

I am quivering with excitement in my pantaloons at the thought of Amber and Thing being besties. I'll have you know. Thing probably does his equivalent of blushing once he finds out she got herself a plushy of him to hug or to hold when she sleeps, or maybe Tara gifted it to her 🤔 She appreciates it a lot that he is a really good and supportive friend to her. Amber might point out to Tara as they keep getting more plushies that they are running out of space for themselves on the bed, which is where most of their plushies end up, and Tara waves it off, saying they're just going to get a bigger bed. (The plushies need the space more than they do, according to Tara)

Amber felt really guilty when she started having those thoughts, but she couldn't deny how awful she felt in her current relationship even if she forced herself to stay and pretend everything was fine or that what he did to her was justified. And Tara just made her feel none of what Richie made her feel. She just felt safe and appreciated and even just seen with her, so I can't blame her for fantasising a little and wishing that Tara would give her a few more of those little, innocent, and friendly kisses. Pls, just one more.

Meanwhile Tara wouldn't quite know if Amber liked her affection, but Amber would sometimes look down and smile back at Tara when she did it, so that was a good sign, and Amber never rejected her affection, so she kept giving it. It became almost natural, and she would press small kisses to Amber's shoulder when they were cuddled up in bed when staying over or when watching a movie together. Everyone else either thought they were obviously crushing on one another and were definitely flirting, or they thought the both of them were already dating (Especially Amber's mom thought that they were dating because Amber rarely brought anyone but Tara over and was obviously head over heels for her). They are all so confounded when Tara and Amber tell them that they had not been dating at the time and that they had no idea that the other one had been yearning just as much as they themselves had either

(Wednesday, at the time: You are so in love with that girlfriend of yours, it's nauseating. You never cease mentioning her to me.) (Tara: My what?!)

Amber is salivating a little as Tara's muscles get more defined and she gets to see them. She loves those pink sweaters on her. They're snug on her arms, and they look cute on her. Her mind goes a little numb and fuzzy. She thinks about getting into exercising like that more too, but she's fine with Tara being the buffer one.

And Amber was good at dancing, Richie was just an ass 😭 I think she likes the fluidity of it, and she couldn't really vibe with the others because she was just a bit different and couldn't really connect with them, and maybe she liked it for different reasons than them as well, but now she doesn't care about all that anymore and just enjoys it

They are so proud of being friends with Enid, and Enid loves it when they let her know that or when she hears that they had bragging about her again. It makes her feel so validated. Their interest and support make her feel more like herself and like she has a right to be what and who she is, which she hasn't felt before she finally turned for the first time and got positive feedback from the people in her life who mattered to her, which they both do, of course. Enid is happily wagging her tail as I write this (the full moon was two days ago, but still)

Amber is shocked when learning about her kinky side. Tara has, up until that point, been pretty tame with her, mostly just showing interest in Amber's suggestions rather than offering too many of her own. Once that barrier is torn down though, Amber is a little confused why Tara never mentioned anything?? But Tara just didn't feel that strongly about it. She still loves that Amber enthusiastically agrees to indulge in her fantasies and try things with her. They both love learning more about each other and trying different things. They want to know everything.

It helps her a lot with the issues she has carried out of her relationship with Richie. Both just being with Tara as well as unlocking that open side of being intimate with each other just helps her immensely with being so much more comfortable with herself and with what she wants, what she can ask for, and also what boundaries she can or might need to draw. The option of tapping out in the middle if she needs to is a novelty. Being with him, it instilled in her the idea that sex was supposed to feel kind of bad each time, or you know, even a lot bad 😐. When that isn't the case when she starts sleeping with Tara, it feels so liberating, but also so confusing at the same time. She still sometimes freezes up right in the middle of it, but Tara never makes her feel weird or blames her for it. She just focuses on what she needs right now and stops and helps her through whatever she's feeling that made her freeze in the moment, usually flashbacks tbh

The others are considerate of them, both for their sake as well as their own

[stil-lindigo]

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

--

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

[tnc-n3cl]

We need a new phrase cause "what the fuck" doesn't cut it here... What did I just read?! Is this real life?!

scrunching my face real hard rn

[notaplaceofhonour]

it’s october 7th. you hear about the attack by seeing people you followed glorifying the terrorist attack—a massacre, a pogrom—as victory & justified resistance, glorifying a terrorist group that was founded with the explicit intent to kill your entire people

you make a post in which you make it clear you support palestinians and oppose the ways israel has wronged them, explaining that the terrorist group is still not good. you know you will probably get some flacc from the pro-Hamas side, but naively underestimate how much.

you get thousands of notifications on that one post, the majority of them hateful comments.

some of the response is positive. multiple messages thank you for the post, expressing bafflement that it’s controversial.

a few Israelis are upset at the loaded language in your post, but explain their problems with it civilly. you called Israel “apartheid”. they ask you what apartheid laws Israel has. you admit you honestly don’t know.

your inbox is flooded with anonymous hate from anti-Israel leftists.

over the course of a few weeks you have received hundreds of death threats, a dozen rape threats. people accuse you of being pro-genocide. you’re a literal Nazi. you’re racist, you thirst for the blood of Palestinians. you’re brainwashed by propaganda, a shill for The Zionist Entity. a few of the hate messages are from literal Neo-Nazis; the overwhelming majority are from leftists, many of them queer.

you are considering suicide.

you see footage of the october 7th attacks. you see footage of the bombings in gaza. you see footage of a Jewish man being murdered at an anti-Israel rally.

a popular creator you follow posts in support of an antisemitic hate group that masquerades as a Jewish organization. this organization regularly posts blood libel and other antisemitic rhetoric, works with groups that are even more explicitly antisemitic, including celebrating October 7th, holocaust inversion, blood libel, “Khazar theory” and others. more than one of the orgs they work with is pro-Putin.

your former roommate liked the post.

graffiti appears on a street you frequent that says “#freepalestine” and “end settler colonialism”

the boyfriend of the friend you spent most of the summer with makes his first post about the war. it’s a reposted comic that mocks and downplays the october 7th attack.

you doubt he’ll be receptive to criticism. he’s shared leftist memes about “monied elites” pulling all the strings and evangelicals being modern day “pharisees” in the past, and getting him to understand why that was antisemitic was like herding cats. you try anyway.

another of his Jewish friends also pushes back. he smugly dismisses her, tells her she’s falling for Zionist propaganda and uses several antisemitic tropes. you go off on him. he just deletes your comment.

you give up. you’re done. you block him.

you see anti-Israel posters and billboards around town

you mention what happened with the guy you went off on to his girlfriend—the friend you’ve grown very close to, who you’ve been listening to as she unburdens her fears for the future and complains about her bf’s BS over the last year. she doesn’t respond to you.

a friend of a friend shares posts tokenizing fringe groups that spread blood libel and have collaborated with holocaust deniers. you know they don’t know what you know, so you explain what those groups are. they seem somewhat receptive, apologize, and take it down

the next day they share several more posts that dip into antisemitic tropes. you mention this to your mutual friend, that you’re worried about them being radicalized. you’re not sure how receptive they’ll be to continued criticism

you have a confrontation with the foaf. in the meantime they’ve shared even more antisemitic posts. they say they didn’t mean to cause you distress but instead of stopping they effectively block you.

the “end settler colonialism” vandalism has been counter-vandalized with the words “commie propaganda” in place of “settler colonialism”. you don’t know if this is an improvement.

a month passes. the friend whose bf you went off on still hasn’t spoken to you. you see she shared a post defending an SJP chapter that posted Nazi cartoon caricatures of Jews repurposed in “Anti-Zionist” memes. you unfriend her on all social media platforms but you can’t bring yourself to block her number.

you see a friend of someone whose couch you surfed when you were homeless harassing Jewish celebrities with “Free Palestine” comments. you block them.

you’ve lost count of how many people you’ve unfollowed or blocked, or who’ve blocked you. friends, content creators.

when a friend takes an unusually long time to respond you worry if it’s because of your posts about antisemitism.

most of the podcasts, youtube channels, and other content creators you regularly engaged with no longer feel safe. you wonder who will be next

a couple friends wish you a happy hanukkah. you don’t celebrate much aside from lighting the hanukkiah and making some latkes.

you see posts about a destroyed chabad menorah, antisemitic comments on Jewish celebrities’ Hanukkah posts.

your neighborhood is covered in pro-Palestine & anti-Israel posters. some are seemingly innocuous, some are JVP “not in our name” posters. some call for intifada. “globalize the intifada” “Zionists fuck off!” “solidarity means attack!”

a man kills himself shouting “free palestine”. you learn about his suicide by seeing posts from several popular accounts you followed glorifying it.

you follow a bunch of jewish accounts on social media and commiserate with them about everything happening

your jewish friends post screenshots of the dead man’s antisemitic, pro-Hamas views. you look at his reddit and find even more horrific shit: anti-Ukraine posts. mocking Zelensky. “elites” are “lizard people”; the only named individual he calls a lizard person is Jewish. you start to notice a pattern: a lot of the people he dislikes just so happen to be jews.

several people you know share a post glorifying this man’s suicide. most are acquaintances, one is someone incredibly important to you.

you wonder how they would respond to your suicide.

you tell the close friend that shared this post how it scares you. you show them the receipts of the man’s antisemitism. their response is a single sentence. they didn’t know about the antisemitism.

they don’t apologize.

you notice none of your irl friends, even your closest ones, interact with your posts about antisemitism. you are able to vent to a couple friends, but no one has reach out to you

you try not to read into it. you try not to take it personally.

you haven’t slept well in months. you’ve always been an insomniac but not like this. you’re not sleeping until 4am, 6am, even 9am. even when you get to bed at a decent hour and get a full night’s rest it takes you hours to get out of bed.

a few weeks go by. the friend with the single sentence response shares a post saying they’re excited and proud to join a group to help palestinians. you’re excited and proud for them.

a couple days later, they share a post about a fundraiser to help a palestinian family get out of gaza. you note to yourself this is a much more effective & less concerning form of activism than the pro-suicidal antisemite post.

your friend shares another post about the fundraiser. it’s a joint post between their group and another group.

you open the other group’s page

the page is just a wall of signs from rallies. you swipe through one after another: “from the river to the sea”, “by any means necessary”, justifying/denying the atrocities of october 7th, calling for violent revolution. anything done in the name of resistance can’t be terrorism, all Israelis are terrorists. Jews aren’t indigenous; they’re white colonizers. holocaust inversion. other vile, thinly veiled violent rhetoric

you feel sick to your stomach imagining talking to your friend about it.

you already feel like you’re burdening the few friends you can talk to about this. you already feel like you think about it too much, talk about it too much. but you can’t not think about it; it affects every aspect of your life.

you’ve filtered out relevant keywords on more than one social media site to avoid the worst of it. some still manages to leak through.

there isn’t a single friend you regularly interact with that you don’t fear the moment when they will switch from listening to your concerns to seeing you as the evil zionist or indoctrinated hasbaranik they’ve been warned about.

it’s not an irrational fear. it keeps happening. you knew it would then, and you were powerless to do anything about it before, and you continue to be as it happens again and again.

you don’t know what to do about any of it.

[transexualpirate]

ok last thing ill say on this i promise but to be perfectly fair i do think that jkr gets more hate than other equally as bad people and that's mostly because other people as bad as her are usually men and/or not nearly as famous as her. famous people get more hate and famous women even more. lotta respect to the people that call out the misogynistic statements made about her without ignoring the fact that she kind of sucks.

this is not to say she doesn't deserve hate but some of the shit y'all say (not just about her tbh but we're talking about her rn) really cross any and all boundaries. as someone who's been at the receiving end of it im repulsed and disgusted by the terfs that send death and rape threats and suicide bait trans people but i am also repulsed and disgusted by anyone that send death and rape threats and suicide bait terfs, yes, even trans people. none of that is excusable in my eyes and the only acceptable exception to it is bolsonaro. i am not a perfect person id suicide bait the fuck out of that bitch /hj

[aroacesafeplaceforall]

Guys I’ve officially been told to off myself for “being racist” because I’m not a fan of a lot of rap music lmao

(Also someone tagged like 30 of my posts with #aro ace safe place for all (white only) which is a level of petty and stupidly that made me cackle lmao)

[mayasaura]

I think. I don't think Coronabeth is going to kill Ianthe. I think it's way more likely she's going to kill herself. Like she's apparently been threatening for years, as a way of manipulating Ianthe.

After all, she is the worse twin. And this series hasn't been shy about framing suicide as the worst thing one person can do to another

[yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt]

I am always losing my mind over this scene from the comic when Nimona is rampaging through the city, killing people and Ballister and Ambrosius have their trillionth Little Argument of the series.

More specifically I'd like to focus on how Nimona has at this point tried to kill Ballister by breathing fire on him and already killed like. Everyone working at the Institution Facility they were at and probably a great many civilians and Ballister says that, if he's able to calm her down, he is going to pretend like it never happened. A testament to the bond and love between them.

But he says this to Ambrosius.

Ambrosius who has been waiting for him to "get over" his betrayal for fifteen years. A ridiculous favor to expect. But imagine how it would feel to have just come off a conversation about how what you did can't ever be forgiven and how things can never return to the way they once were with the person you love. And then they express their willingness to immediately forgive someone else, who did arguably worse, to them and to others, than you did.

It's obviously a different situation. What Nimona did comes off as more of an outburst than a betrayal. But I don't think Ambrosius would see it that way.

And this is the moment he decides to fight Nimona, believing fully that he will be killed. He doesn't care if Ballister gets him the device or agrees to help him because he has no intention to survive. He intends only to keep her occupied long enough to maybe save a few more lives, hoping to buy enough time for someone to maybe figure out how to kill her. He intends to try his best, but I don't think he was arrogant enough to believe he would live. Especially based on the later line, when Ballister insists that he WILL die,

"I've never done anything good in my entire life. Maybe I can't stop her. But I have to at least try."

Ambrosius heard that the person he loved was willing to forgive someone else, but not him. He's already lost the job he sacrificed this relationship for. This is the moment he decides he wants to at least die a hero, the moment he decides to carry out his thinly veiled suicide attempt.

[real-britishantarcticterritories]

slit

oh hello, you little shithead, how wonderful it is to see you in my fucking inbox

I’m honestly kinda glad you showed up, because I want to make it very fucking clear that encouraging suicides in minors is fucking disgusting and also very illegal

you’re so fucking lucky that there’s an anonymous feature in this website, otherwise you could face genuine jailtime for encouraging serious self-harming behaviours

I hope that in enough time, you’ll have matured enough to realise what a shitty person you were, and you’ll be ashamed of your behaviour

frankly, you deserve words a million times harsher than I can give, but that’d be giving you more attention, which is clearly what you’re after here

you’re a sad fucking troll, go hide in the cave you came from and continue your miserable fucking life, like I know you will

I have nothing but utter tucking contempt for you, you worthless fucking excuse of a human being

[atcarpenter]

He really gets off on making Amber so worried and having her show such concern for him and enjoys her distress, going through his day and occasionally checking in to see her worry and reaching out in desperation and keeping her on the hook. He'd message back just enough to keep her around

Poor Amber would be so stressed she couldn't eat or calm down and would be sick all day with Tara and others not knowing what was wrong and all the while, Richie would be completely unbothered and enjoying what he was putting her through and how much more it pushed her into his control

Tara really works to let Amber know that her kindness and concern for those she loves are good traits and part of what Tara loves about her. She has a really big heart and cares so deeply about people and will do anything for those she loves and that's something to be proud of

Sam and Tara give Amber the biggest double hug afterwards and Tara cuddles with her all night and tells her how proud she is of Amber. That's after both she spends a few hours at the gym to unleash some of her anger and asks Wednesday if she's made any progress on spells to revive Richie or reach out to Goody Addams and ask her to torture him in the afterlife

Knowing what he did to her best friend and girlfriend, how he manipulated and abused such a beautiful and caring person for his own amusement and pleasure, as well as what he did to her sister makes Tara genuinely furious and despise Richie in a way she didn't think was possible

Amber starts rebuilding her collection with new plushies, going around stores in NYC and picking up new ones for herself and Tara and Sam. They love gifting each other random ones they found in second hand places or ones of their favorite characters. They all love falling asleep with them as it really helps

Amber absolutely loved Barbie. The colors, the music, the emotional moments. She's not at all ashamed to admit she cried so much at the ending when Barbie became real and during the scenes of Gloria and Sasha which remind her of her and her own mom growing apart. It was one of those special cinema experiences that stays with you and she's so glad she got to experience it with Tara

If you liked Barbie, I think you'd like the Paddington films. The second one especially is fantastic

They really do just love being around each other, even doing nothing. Tara especially loves the really cold or wet days when they just hang around the apartment and keep each other warm. The rainy days in Woodsboro were always her favorite as she and Amber would stay inside together, watching movies and cuddling under a blanket. That was when they both first realized they had a crush on the other

They also remember to give each other space to be with others or just be on their own. Amber in particular spent so long isolated that she wants to try different things now. Art classes, dancing, learning to play an instrument, going to clubs to discover new music or galleries for art or just browsing thrift stores and small theatres for movies and taking chances on stuff she's never heard of. Tara fully encourages it and loves catching up with her afterwards and hearing about her progress and new people she met. She loves seeing Amber enthusiastic about stuff and putting herself out there and is so proud of her for doing so many new things

Definitely and Tara loves getting all sorts of information about wolves from Enid and asking what her favorite werewolf movies are and the two love sharing and discussing music too and sending each other songs the other would like. Tara has a long list of 90's music she's eager to get Enid's views on

Amber is a bit shocked at how intense her writing is but she is open to trying new things and even starts coming up with her own ideas for them much to Tara's delight. They can disappears indefinitely and while they hear strange noises, everyone has collectively decided they're much happier not knowing what they get up to in the bedroom

She'd be checking her phone all day long instead of doing what she actually needed to focus on, like her schoolwork, chores, social life, or even just self-care. Tara would notice that she's subdued and distracted and ask her what's wrong, but she'd always brush it off. Occasionally, Tara would succeed in drawing her out of her doomsday thinking and distract her from her worry for a bit, even if she didn't know what was going on. He would love the moments when he actually texted her back after leaving her thinking he might have done something to himself. She wouldn't even blame him, she was just happy he wasn't dead. He loved how subservient she got in those moments. He knew exactly how deep he had his claws in her

Tara is afraid that Amber will think that these traits are what got her abused in the first place and that she will try to be less kind and trusting, and she's right. Amber does have those thoughts. So, she makes sure to praise Amber for all of her kindness and caring, and it helps

The sisters both get upset when they learn the details of his blackmail and psychological torture. The double hug helps. I love the idea of Goody torturing his spirit in the afterlife 👉👈 I think that would be very sexy of her. And sometimes you need a hobby when you're a ghost. It ranges from conjuring nightmare visions of hello kitty and pop-music to regular meta-physical torture

Tara is genuinely a sweet person, and she always thought of herself as pretty calm, so figuring out just how much rage she can harbour when she sees her favourite people being hurt is surprising to her. It makes her a little clingy sometimes when reminded of what happened to either of them, and she will not want to leave their sides. Especially Amber, she will sometimes just hold to remind herself that she's okay now

Tara and Amber's bed ends up looking like Enid's side of the room. Most of them are still Tara's, but lots are now Amber's contribution too. I like to think one of Amber's plushies is a Thing plushy. Tara feels so bad when one of them gets knocked off accidentally during the night (I did that last night with my own plushy)

Yes, Barbie sticks with her for a long time. I loved Barbie. I will put Paddington on my watchlist then 😌

Their rainy days together were always the best. Nothing beat those moments together, even when they hadn't been together yet. Those were also the moments when the thought "I'd rather be with her than him" was the strongest for Amber, and sometimes she even pretended for a moment that it was true, and it made her feel better, and in those moments on rainy days, she would feel less guilt about having these kinds of thoughts than she would on other days. Meanwhile Tara had no idea Amber wasn't even single and would longingly stare at her friend, hoping for a kissie. On some occasions, she would even steal some that were toeing the line of being just friendly or something more

Yeah, they do acknowledge that they don't need to do everything together and that it's healthy to do other things as well, and they love hearing about what the other was up to while they did different things. Amber in particular also just needs to be alone sometimes. Tara understands that she needs the space now and again. But she's also fangirling hard over whatever Amber has gotten up to on her own, especially if she's been doing creative things that she gets to see, and she is happy when Amber shares new experiences with her. Sometimes they try out new things together too though

Yes, Enid and Tara get along great and probably influence each other's style a bit. Enid also loves the interest in lycanthropy that both Tara and Amber show when they drill her with questions about it. It makes her feel more validated after spending so long feeling like she wasn't like the other werewolves she knows.

I think that Amber initially assumed she'd be the kinkier of the two, and maybe that is still true to an extent, but Tara is just a naturally very curious and eclectic person, and she kinda wants to try all the things, and Amber is only too happy to oblige. Tara gets really happy when Amber, who is usually so confident and unflappable about these things, is reduced to a flustered mess by some of her suggestions. But also Amber is so happy that she unlocked her girlfriend's secret kink list once she starts reading her fanfiction. For the sake of the others, they usually try to give a heads-up or keep it to times when they have the apartment to themselves

[vividstardustrevolution]

Fun fact: Futa is *not* the canon system character in MILGRAM!

...Neither is Yuno...

[Text Transcription: "Let's just do it, please smile?"]

...Haruka's not either...

[Text Transcription: "My loneliness was desired"]

...nope, not Shidou either...

Amane isn't canonically a system either, but I definitely understand the people who think she might be or headcanon her as such, especially after "The Purge March".

[Text Transcription 1: "It's the beginning of a most wonderful day"]

[Text Transcription 2: "With pure, unsullied body and soul,"]

No, Kazui's not the canon system either.

[Text Transcription: "All these memories and you Only if I could erase them"]

Where, then...?

Ah, I found him!

Hi Mikoto!

[Text Transcription 1: "It's like what's wrong isn't wrong"]

[Text Transcription 2: "I'm already the fake one"]

...but y'know, it is kinda funny that at least 7/10 of the MILGRAM prisoners have two versions of themselves on screen interacting with each other (I don't remember Muu, Mahiru, or Kotoko having scenes like that, but let me know if I'm wrong, and Kotoko still has Deep Cover coming, too), and yet only one of them is a canon system. Yes, you can explain Haruka and Amane's as self-abuse and dissociation, Futa's, Shidou's, and Kazui's as dissociation, and Yuno as compartmentalizing herself and how she acts around different people, but still.

It's interesting how it's only seemingly portrayed negatively with Mikoto, too, although to be fair, Haruka and Amane both hurt the other versions of themselves in their interactions (Haruka looks down on and pushes and chokes the younger version of himself, and Amane looks down on herself and sends herself into the water), but...still, that feels different from Mikoto's case. Maybe it's because in the cases of 010203050708, we know that the other them they're interacting with is still them, but in Mikoto's case, we don't know that. Haruka, Yuno, Futa, Shidou, Kazui, and Amane's "other selves" aren't treated as evil (or, if they are, it's not to the same extent that we see Mikoto's alter (or alters, if you're one of the people who believes in one of the Trikoto theories out there) treated as evil and inhuman).

Now, I do think that you can argue in good faith that part of why Mikoto's DID gets demonized so hard in MeMe is because Mikoto is slowly coming to the realization that he's a system and has some internalized ableism to deal with regarding that (because internalized ableism isn't uncommon regardless of the disorder involved; it's not true for every system that there's internalized ableism, but it makes sense for Mikoto "I'm just a normal guy; what do you mean I'm a murderer?" Kayano). However, I don't think that completely explains the demonization that Mikoto deals with. We see it with his interactions with Kotoko. That interrogation answer where Shidou says, "Since Mikoto became 'like that,' the smoking group stopped really interacting," shows that Shidou seems to be uncomfortable with Mikoto now that his DID has been outed. The fact that Haruka is the only person who willingly interacted with Mikoto since trial two started (the only other person Mikoto has interacted with is Kotoko, and he was the one who approached her because similar to him, everyone is avoiding the fuck out of Kotoko) shows that most people are avoiding Mikoto. (Granted, Mikoto was kind of an ass to Futa and Amane, and Mahiru was busy not fucking dying, but what about the rest of the group?) In fact, the fact that the characters are treating Mikoto (who, while kind of a jerk, has not physically attacked anyone as far as we know and only fought Kotoko in self-defense) the same way they're treating Kotoko (who literally attacked three people, damaged Futa's eye with her baton, nearly killed Mahiru, attacked Mikoto, and is generally an asshole (/affectionate) and has been an asshole to all but two people in the cast) is telling me that the majority of the cast sees him the same way they see her - threatening and dangerous - and it's likely that he's seen as dangerous mostly because of his DID. Even Haruka, who literally threatened to kill himself, has been checked on by two people - Futa and Muu.

...Does that seem fucked up to anyone else - that the characters seen as "dangerous," and especially Mikoto, who is being treated as a danger mostly because of his DID, are isolated and not being interacted with or checked on by most of the cast (because we all know damn well that Kotoko has not interacted with anyone since trial two started other than to chastize Kazui and tell Mikoto his existence is a crime)?

...I dunno where I'm going with this. I'm just...kinda just dumping my thoughts out and seeing where it goes.