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i-did · 4 years ago

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Do you know when the racism and ableism accusations against Nora started? Because back when I was active in 2016/2017 and don't think they were a thing, or were very low-key. Was it something she said or are people just basing it off the things she wrote in the books?

From what I remember, the first time I heard the blanket statement of “Nora is racist/fetishizes gay men” blanket statement was early fall 2019 (which is so ironic for the fandom to say on so many levels lmao). There wasn’t a catalyst or anything, just she went offline 2016 and no new content was coming out and the aftg fandom is such an echo chamber that… an accidental smear campaign happened.

Before then, I would see occasional “Nora used ableist slur” which… is funny (not that ableism isn’t serious) to me people care more about that than Seth saying the f-slur. IMO this is because with Seth, it clearly shows the character thinking it and not the author who is writing about what will be an end game mlm relationship.

But anyways! Long story short, it's the fact that she’s an ace/aro woman who wrote a mlm book, and based off of the events in canon. There is no “Nora called me/someone else a slur” it’s “Nora wrote a book where slur(s) are used” and “the Moriyama’s are Japanese.”

Below I put my own opinion on these claims and go into more detail:

CW for discussions of: racism, ableism, mlm fetishization

Fetishization: (and mentions of sexism at the end)

To one question in the EC about her inspo for aftg she jokingly responded how she wanted to write about gay athletes. On other parts of your blog you could see she was a hockey fan and an overall sports fan (anime or otherwise) but I've seen this statement taken out of context and framed as “she's one of those BOYXBOY” shippers. Considering how… well-developed both Andrew and Neil’s relationship is, and it takes them until like the 3rd book and there is a whole complex ass plot going on around, you can see how that's just. Not really true. And considering the fandom is like… 85% women (queer women but still women) and I've gotten into a discussion with someone who is a woman and called Nora a fetishizer and was ignoring my opinions as a mlm, and I really just wanted to say “well what does that make you?” it's a very ironic high horse. She didn’t write 3 all 3 books to put Neil in lingerie pwp or crop-top fem-fatal fashion show, fandom did.

Also, I talked to an ace/aro friend about this, and she talked to me about how AFTG spoke to her very much so as an ace/aro story. Neil is demisexual, Nora didn’t know of the word at the time of reading it, but she did get an anon asking if Neil was demi after, and she said “had to look it up, and yep, but he doesn't really think about it” (paraphrased). Obviously it would have been cool if andreil were canonly written as wlw by Nora instead, (which would have increased the amount of wlw rep and demi rep) but tbh I don’t think tumblr would have cared about it nearly as much and everyone would just call Neil a cold bitch–like people do with Nora’s other published book with a main character who's a woman. Plus they're her OC’s, not mine.

The fact is that 50% of all LGBT+ rep in literature is mlm, mostly white mlm, and not written by mlm. I’m not going to hold her to a higher standard than everyone else, she already broke a shit ton of barriers in topics she discusses that otherwise get ignored. I’m grateful to these books for existing even if it's a mlm story written by a woman. I still will prioritize reading mlm written by mlm–and vice versa with wlw– in the way I prioritize reading stories about POC written by POC. But credit where credit is due, this is a very good story, and a very good demi story.

Ableism:

To me, AFTG is a story about ableism and how we perceive some trauma survivors more worthy than others. Neil and the foxes using ableist language shows how people actually talk. Neil thinks shitty things about Andrew, like the others do too, and thinks he's “psycho”. The story ultimately deconstructs this idea and these perceptions of people. Wymack, someone who says the r-slur (which is still not known by the general population as a slur even in 2021 much less the early 2000s when the book was beginning to be written and what the timeline is based off of) is a character who understands Andrew better than most of the others do, and gives him the most sympathy and understanding despite using words like the m-slur and r-slur. Using these words isn't good, but it is how people talk, and this character talks. Wymack is a playful “name caller” especially when he’s mad, the foxes think Andrew is “crazy” and incapable of humanity and love because of it. They call his meds “antipsychotics” as an assumption and insult in a derogatory way, when really antipsychotics are a very helpful drug for some people who need them. Even Neil thinks these things about Andrew until he learns to care about him. All the foxes are hypocritical to am extent, as people in real life tend to be. Nora herself doesn’t use these or tweet them or something, her characters do to show aspects of their personality and opinions and how they change over time.

Racism:

As for the racism, I've seen people talk about how racial minorities being antagonists is inherently bad, which I think lacks nuance but overall isn't a harmful statement or belief. However, Nora herself said she wrote in the yakuza instead of another gang or mob because she was inspired for AFTG by sports anime, (which often queer-bait for a variety of reasons). I haven’t seen a textual analysis acknowledging the racist undertones surrounding the Moriyama’s as the few characters of color who are also major antagonists, but instead just “Nora is racist”. Wymack having shitty flame tribal tattoo’s is just… a huge 90’s thing and a part of his character design. Her having a character with bad taste in tattoo trends doesn’t mean she's racist. There is the whole how Nicky is handled thing, but that's a whole thing on it’s own. The fandom… really will write Nicky being all “ai ai muy spicy, jaja imma hit on my white–not annoying like me–boyfriend in Spanish. With my booty hole out and open for him ofc.” and as a Mexican mlm I’m like … damn alright.

I think there is merit to the fact that she writes white as the default* and unless otherwise stated a POC a character was written with the intent to be white is another valid criticism, as well as the fact that the cast is largely white, but everything Nora is accused of I've seen the fandom do worse. That goes to the debate of, is actively writing stereotypes for POC more harmful than no representation at all? And personally I prefer the lack of established race line that lets me ignore Nora’s canon intent of characters to be white and come up with my own HC’s over the fandoms depictions of “zen monk Renee with dark past” “black best friend Matt who got over drugs but is a puppy dog” “ex stripper black Dan who dates Matt” vague tokenism. I HC many of the upperclassmen as POC and do my best to actively give thought behind it and have their own arcs that also avoids the fandom colorism spectrum of “darkest characters we HC go to the back and fandom favorites are in the front and are the lightest.”

*I however won't criticize her harsher or more than… everyone else who still largely does this in fanfiction regarding AFTG as well as literature in general. This isn't a Nora thing, it's a societal thing, and considering the books came out in like 2014 I'm not gonna hold her to a higher standard than the rest of the world. She's just someone who wrote her personal OC’s and self-published expecting no following. I don’t know her race and I’m not gonna hold her to a higher standard than everyone else just because.

The criticisms I've seen have always been… ironic IMO, and clearly I have a lot of thoughts on it. I think most people say those things about Nora because they heard them, and it's the woke thing to say and do and don’t critically analyze their actions or anything, but just accept them.

#ask #aftg discorse #fandom culture #fandom politics #fandom psychology #mailob #damn cant wait for my words to be twisted lmao #sorry the ableism one is the shortest I wrote that one first actually

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roadkill-and-rot · 4 years ago

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Hi I'm Kit, welcome to my vulture culture blog! I'm an aspiring vet nurse and my favourite animals are mustelids 🦦🐾 this blog will include animal welfare, animal husbandry, vulture culture, conservation, and zoology!

More about me plus DNI under the cut!

art credit: @agro-carnist

DNI/Do not interact:

• ARAs/animal rights activists/PeTA supporters

• TERFs/radfems

• truscum/transmeds

• exclusionists/anyone who's queerphobic in any way

• irl gore/snuff blogs (e.g posting pictures of real crime scenes or dead humans, that sort of thing)

• pro-ana/thinspo blogs

• vent/self harm blogs

• fetish blogs

IF ANY OF THE ABOVE APPLIES, YOU WILL BE BLOCKED - GORE BLOGS WILL BE REPORTED

About me:

I'm a zoology student from Wales, my vulture culture collection is for my personal education as someone interested in natural history and animal physiology.

I am well aware of the laws about collecting specimens/deads and everything in my collection is legal + collected lawfully. Please note I'm in the UK so a specimen that is legal here might be illegal in other countries (e.g birds) - I'm happy to answer questions about this or other VC related questions, but please don't be aggressive about it!

I also reblog animal welfare and conservation posts from time to time - I've studied Animal Management (including welfare, breeding, farming, exotics husbandry, and practical animal handling work etc.), am currently studying zoology, have experience of vet nursing work and volunteer falconry work. I don't claim to be an expert on any of these things as I'm very much still learning but I do have a decent amount of experience when it comes to animal welfare, biology, husbandry, and conservation.

I'm happy to discuss animal welfare and to answer questions as long as they're not aggressive and/or obvious ARA bait.

Disclaimer: Everything in my collection is legal to own and I do not poach for my bones/fur/skulls etc. Everything I have is found as roadkill, natural deaths, or bought from other ethical collectors.

Note: ethics are different for everyone in this hobby - personally I am okay with hunted specimens, provided the specimen was hunted LEGALLY, dispatched humanely and cleanly, and was not hunted for the sole purpose of taxidermy (e.g it was hunted for food, pest control, or population control/conservation).

I am PRO ANIMAL WELFARE, ANTI ANIMAL RIGHTS

As I am from the UK, the MBTA does not apply to me so I can legally collect birds and feathers. Yes, this includes birds of prey. I post disclaimers on any posts containing birds just in case - if I miss a post, let me know!

Animal names have '.' in the names e.g f.ox, m.ink, g.uillemot, to avoid the post appearing when people search for that animal. It's a courtesy thing - when searching for an animal, not everyone wants to see dead ones!

CW on this blog for dead animals and potential blood/gore, if you cannot handle this please do not interact. I tag everything and put any images with gore under read mores, but PLEASE do not look at this blog if it is potentially triggering.

I no longer have a vulture culture etsy due to not being able to process deads at the moment, however I hope to reopen it in the future!

Nothing on this blog is intended for shock value or horror, it is simply a way of documenting my finds and educating people on vulture culture! I personally do not like people interacting with my blog/posts if they consider VC "gross" or "spooky" as this hobby is very personal to me. Thank you for understanding!

Updated: 20/04/23

#thought I'd make a better pinned post #kits curiosities #long post

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aro-culture-is · 4 years ago

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i noticed in the tags of one of your posts you said you were reading sanders sides fanfic. do you have any recommendations? I miss my friends a lot and would like to read about the sides just. being friends and stuff

okay so like. I didn’t really have any good saved friendship ones because tbh I really don’t mind shipping unless there’s like... fucking pet names, but! fear not! I may have read.... uh, 40-50 fics since receiving this and saved the ones I thought were best among friendship and a couple qpr based ones. some are pure fluff, many have discussed insecurities because whoops i’m not projecting at all. PLEASE double check for trigger warnings. If you’d like me to comb through one for a possible trigger, feel free to DM me.

I’ve arranged it by who the friendships are between, and beware that I have included fics/series referencing the most recent episode (POF / SvSR) aka beware Deceit name spoilers. I have exactly one fic with an unsympathetic Deceit, and none with unsympathetic Remus because I don’t like that.

in future btw we’re mutuals on my main, feel free to DM me and chat about sanders sides. I’ll send a message after I post this.

DLAMP

gently into happiness

He's A Snake!

Nameless

LAMP

Every Friday Night (hilarious)

Sanders Sides Platonic Week

Virgil & Deceit:

Red

Virgil & Roman

Roman, the lonely actor

Patton & Deceit

they hate you, I'm sure

Deceit, Roman, and Remus

of knights and crowns

Logan & Roman

Queerplatonic Logince Verse

Platonic LAMP with U!Deceit referenced but not shown

CW,TW: this is by far the darkest I’ve included. Please stay safe, and please don’t trigger yourself intentionally with this one. This includes references to: suicide attempts (not shown), self-harm (shown), transphobia, homophobia, references to suicide baiting, references to abusive relationships, gun violence (discussed: irl school shootings), medical procedures, implied pedophilia (discussed, both in an instance with a movement to get that individual in trouble and in an incorrect online allegation) and likely more that I can’t think of right now.

Pros: everyone is nonbinary. several characters use neopronouns, and Patton is a he/him or they/them enby. LAMP + Remy are all gen Z and ready to fuck shit up. Logan is a punk and xe is ready to fight but still a physically weak nerd. Patton and Virgil are Tired of Everyone Assuming that they are dating when they aren’t. Several characters are actively named as aromantic and if the series was still updating I would be 100% unshocked to see amatonormativity name-dropped.

Gender is Hard 'verse

#not aro #not aro culture #ask #sanders sides #long post #i uh. got into it #if you ever need non-prinxiety sanders sides fanfic hmu on dms #i may not get back immediately #but that's because i read... so much fanfic #none-focus-with-left-gender #mod kee

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puddygeeks · 4 years ago

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Wᴇ Cᴏᴍᴇ Rᴜɴɴɪɴɢ - Tʜᴇ 100 Bᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ x OC - Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 48: Hᴇᴀʀᴛs Tʀᴜᴇ Dᴇsɪʀᴇ

Masterlist

Rating: Mature

Summary: During her time in the Skybox, Indigo formed a precious friendship with fellow outcast Octavia Blake, the girl under the floor. At first they thought their departure from the oppression of the Ark was a blessing, but quickly came to rely on Indigo's keen survival instincts. The 100 struggle to meet the challenges of Earth whilst Bellamy strives to lead the wavering teenagers and his irresponsible attitude fuels constant conflict with Indigo. Their only shared interest is in protecting Octavia and Indigo beings to suspect that there is a deeper cause to Bellamy's seemingly irrational choices. As the consequences of his actions mount up around him, he finally begins to confide in her and she discovers more than she ever bargained for.

Fandom: CW’s The 100

Pairing: OC x Bellamy Blake

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

Warnings: Mature content. Non-consent, language, sex, self harm, suicide, anxiety, helplessness, torture, captivity/confinement, alcohol/drug use.

Chapter Forty-Eight

It took a couple of days for things to return to normal in camp and for my hickies to heal enough to show my face without feeling constantly self conscious. Knox made a few offhand comments about Bellamy during our shifts and I apologised for his recent intimidating behaviour. I avoided our friends for fear of any snide comments and Bellamy slipped back into his strangely inconsistent habits.

After my shift in the kitchens, I wandered across the courtyard but my attention was caught by the sound of a nearby conversation. I paused in place to witness Mel chatting to Bellamy again and I recognised that neither of them had noticed me from the angle that I was standing in. She had her hand placed comfortably on his forearm and they were both laughing in a relaxed state. My stomach flipped with annoyance, despite my best efforts to deny it and I felt my jaw clench as I observed her making doe eyes at him. I tried to remind myself that he chose to take me back to his room every night and of all the small, attentive acts that he did daily to make my heart flutter, but they weren’t enough to remove the uneasy feeling in my chest. I rolled my eyes and dragged myself away to prevent my mind from torturing me any further.

I found a spot near the hustle of the mechanical building to settle and work through the notes that I’d taken from my lessons with Octavia. Recently I felt that I was finally starting to grasp some parts of Trig, but it required consistent work to maintain it in my head and I had discovered that the rhythmic noises of tools helped me to focus. I heard footsteps approaching but kept my eyes trained on my papers in the hope that whoever it was would take the hint to leave me alone.

“There you are Trouble.” I recognised the gruff tone of Bellamy’s voice immediately and glanced up to find him smiling at me warmly. “Kane’s called a meeting to discuss more trips to Mount Weather for supplies, thought you’d want to know.” He stated and I raised my brows in interest. “Yeah, hopefully it won’t drag on for hours again, but if it does I’ll see you back at the room?” He added with a disinterested groan and I sympathised with his responsibility to attend.

“Damn, looks like I’ll have to tuck myself in.” I crooned with a playful expression and he chuckled lightly in a way that I adored the sound of.

“Where have you been all day anyway? I didn’t see you leave your shift.” He questioned and I was surprised that he’d even noticed the slight change in my routine. Most days lately we passed each other in camp as I moved from one commitment to the other and he’d usually throw me a cheeky wink or even slyly make an inappropriate comment if he got close enough.

“Oh, just thought I’d get some study time in.” I confirmed but he simply raised a brow at me suspiciously. “I did pass you in the courtyard earlier, but you were chatting to Mel. I thought I’d give you guys a chance to catch up.” I commented in what I hoped sounded like an idle manner and he shifted on the spot.

“Ah, yeah she caught me for a while there.” He remarked and I concentrated heavily on maintaining a carefree posture. “She’s a nice girl, just very young. I think she’s still got a lot of training to do before I’d take her out as part of the guard.” He thought aloud and I nodded as I stared at my papers avoidantly.

“Hmm, she’ll be disappointed to be left behind. Be careful with that one.” I muttered absent mindedly and my stomach flipped as soon as the words left my mouth. He furrowed his brows at me and I cleared my throat to give myself a moment to consider my words. “Just...don’t lead her on, like you said, she’s young.” I advised with a shrug and he widened his eyes at me.

“Seriously Indie?” He drawled and I held my hands out defensively. “Look, I saved her life when she crashed to Earth, so she looks up to me. She’s another student for me to train, that’s all.” He detailed with a disbelieving tone to his voice, causing me to sigh.

“Are you sure that she knows that?” I asked as I peeked up at him and he analysed me with a slight smirk in the corner of his lips. Already, I regretted initiating this conversation and I found it difficult to discuss whilst still maintaining the casual attitude that I’d been insistent on since we started sleeping together.

“Are you jealous?” He suggested in a low growl and I scoffed in annoyance. “I did offer to train you, it’s not too late to switch classes. You can be my teacher’s pet.” He winked and I shook my head in disapproval at his continued teasing.

“No, I’m not jealous, you can do whatever you want. I’m just offering you some advice; let her down lightly so you don’t break a young girl's heart, take it or leave it.” I explained with a frustration that was evident as I shot to my feet and began to gather my things.

“It’s not like that.” He sighed in a defensive manner and I paused in place to glance at him with exasperation.

“I’m telling you as a woman what I saw in her, she wants it. You used to be excellent at recognising that. But whatever you say Bel.” I chuckled bitterly as I threw him one last look. “I’ll see you after your meeting.” I stated as I placed a chaste kiss on his cheek and left him rooted to the spot in confusion.

For a while, I managed to study in peace in the back of the mechanical building, until I was kicked out by people who needed to use the room. It was almost impossible to concentrate with the building frustration in my mind and I struggled to channel the feeling into anything beneficial. After several attempts to find something to distract myself, I received a message from Raven requesting my assistance with something.

“Hey! Octavia said you were trying to build muscle, right?” She spoke in a rushed way as she opened the door to allow me into her workshop and pulled me inside. I nodded hesitantly and she guided me to a metal structure that made absolutely no sense to me, beside the familiar Rover we’d just recovered. “Awesome, I have a proposal that will be mutually beneficial in that case. I need to install some upgrades but I can’t get around that easily with my bitch of a leg. Can you lift shit for me?” She asked and I noticed the slightest hint of vulnerability in her eyes. It was the first time that she had requested assistance with her injury from me and it felt strange to address the thing that we’d fallen into a routine of pretending hadn’t changed. I knew that admitting she needed help was practically agonising to Raven and felt honoured that she was able to confide in me.

“Of course, but you need to remember that I am, in fact, an idiot. So I’ll need very specific instructions on what you want me to do.” I remarked with a playful expression and was glad to notice that her shoulders visibly relaxed. We fell into an easy companionship as she worked whilst I strained to hold things in place and chatted in the same comfortable way that we always had.

“So, what do you think will come of this big leader meeting your man’s in?” She called from under the car and I sighed thoughtfully. I couldn’t imagine anything worse than sitting in a room full of self important people discussing every minor decision for our camp. It seemed simpler in the days at the dropship, where if something needed to be done we simply took action. I was unsure if the introduction of laws and politics was as beneficial as the leadership believed.

“I don’t know, bunch of political nonsense. I bet Bellamy’s struggling to even stay awake in there.” I commented lightly, imagining him dozing off at the end of the table and I heard Raven hum in agreement.

“Well, looks like he had some comfort before he went in.” She stated in a voice that I recognised well as bait and so I held my tongue. When I didn’t answer, she slid out from the car to examine me in annoyance. “I caught Mel flirting with him pretty hard outside the meeting room. She’s getting her claws right in.” She spat before she got to her feet and dusted herself off. The work space was so large that our voices echoed around it and I was glad that it was just the two of us here with the sharpness of her words.

“Ugh, that poor girl.” I groaned and Raven whipped around to face me as if I’d just grown another head. “I told him to let her down gently before she gets her feelings hurt.” I revealed as I rubbed my forehead in stress and she dropped into a seat to examine me with a riveted interest.

“And? What did he say?” She breathed with a fire burning in her eyes and I couldn’t help a slight snigger at the ridiculous reaction. Recently, it felt as if the budding romance between Bellamy and I was her favourite topic and although I appreciated her support, I couldn’t help finding her enthusiasm bizarre at times.

“He doesn’t think she’s flirting. He says she just looks up to him like the others, or she’s just friendly because she’s grateful to him.” I sighed as I settled into a seat opposite her and she threw her hands up in exaggeration. “I’ve never known him to be so blind to a girl's interest before.” I muttered with a groan and I tried to force the bitter feelings to the back of my mind before they could wander out of my mouth.

“That’s because he only has eyes for you.” She crooned in a mocking tone as she batted her lashes at me and I reached out to slap her playfully on the arm. “Doesn’t it bug you? Seriously, I’m worried. I know you were afraid before all this almost dying stuff, about him losing interest? I don’t want you to be pushed to the point of a nervous breakdown by this random chick.” She dropped her voice to one of genuine concern and I smiled warmly at her ill guided compassion.

“Before everything went down, yes I was. But I already had my nervous breakdown Raven, I’m tapped. Seriously, thinking that you’ll never see someone again kind of changes your priorities.” I explained as she watched me with blatant sympathy. “The way I see it now, Bellamy will do whatever it is that he wants to do. If he wants to fuck some other girl, he’ll do it whether I worry about it or not, so I’m not gonna worry about it. I’m just gonna enjoy whatever we have for as long as it lasts, cause I don’t want to waste a single second of it.” I elaborated and she scoffed as she viewed me with a sense of utter disbelief.

“You’re telling me that you’re just switching your ‘give a shit’ off?” She breathed as she crossed her arms and I sighed as I tried to think of a better way to explain my stance. I shuffled on my seat and rubbed at my temples as she observed my expectantly.

“I’m not switching it off. It was only weeks ago that I thought he was dead and I spent almost all of my time crying.” I revealed and she softened her face. “I reflected a lot on everything I’d learned and I know that Bellamy is the kind of guy who likes the chase. From what I’ve seen, he’s not big on the whole commitment thing and I don’t need it. I’m all too aware that things can change in a heartbeat and honestly, I’m just happy every time that he comes back from a mission alive. I’m glad that I get the chance to see that smile that makes my knees go weak and my heart beat so fast that I think it might explode.” I confessed and Raven smiled smugly.

“Girl, you’ve got it bad!” She laughed and I felt as if I had opened a door that I couldn’t close. The relief of being honest with her was so addictive that the words just continued to flow out of my mouth and the memory of him and Mel talking filled my mind, causing a surge of bitterness.

“I know! God I know.” I breathed as I ran my hands through my hair in a gesture of stress. “Who am I kidding with this whole chilled out act? Part of me wants to find that girl and go full grounder on her ass, tell her that if she even thinks about touching Bellamy I’ll beat her face in.” I growled and Raven whooped in support of this idea. “On the inside, even thinking about him with anyone else kills me, but then I remember how fucking grateful I am that he’s alive and I realise that I’d suffer through anything if it meant that he was happy.” I clarified and she pursed her lips at me with enjoyment.

“I’m pretty confident that he feels the same.” She commented and although I noticed that she didn’t seem to be smiling directly at me, I was too deep in thought to question it. She opened her mouth to speak again but I couldn’t stop the flow of feelings that I needed to speak aloud.

“Maybe, I guess only time will tell. For now, all I know is that I can barely think straight every time he compliments me, or does that thing where he shakes his head and looks at the ground when he laughs. You know, I dream about him, his freckles, the way his eyes glisten when he smiles, or how he runs his hand through his hair when he’s concentrating. I thought that after a while things would calm down, but Raven, every kiss makes my head spin like the first.” I rambled in an emotion charged blur. She watched me with a steadily growing satisfaction as I bared my soul to her and I only paused to sigh. “I’m pretty prepared for the idea that he doesn’t feel the same way, but that's okay. Because if I can just keep him in my life for as long as humanly possible, I’m willing to accept that.” I divulged with a final deep breath as I dropped my shoulders dramatically and finally felt a sense of peace that I hadn’t realised I sorely needed.

“You know, I really think you’d be surprised by how wrong you are about that.” She stated calmly despite an excitement shining in her eyes and I furrowed my brows at her in confusion.

“How can you be so sure?” I enquired with a heavy feeling of insecurity and a delighted smile spread across her lips at my question.

“Oh, just the little fact that he’s standing right behind you and he looks like he’s just won the jackpot, not running for the hills.” She revealed with a blatant enjoyment and I felt my face drop to one of pure horror. I prayed with all of my might that she was simply playing a cruel prank. I was too mortified to turn around to investigate and before I could muster up the courage, I heard a deep voice clear their throat behind me. I felt like my stomach was about to drop out of my body as I closed my eyes in a grimace and heard Raven stand. “I’ll leave you two to talk.” She commented calmly.

I remained frozen on the spot with my eyes firmly closed in an effort to shield myself from the reality of my mistake and heard Bellamy carefully approaching to shatter the hopes of my ‘I can't see you, you can’t see me’ logic. There was a feeling of dread that crept down my spine as I sensed his gaze burning into me and I took a deep breath before forcing myself to look at him. His eyes sparkled with a mixture of amusement and exhilaration, and I gulped nervously whilst my mind desperately strained for something to say. I fiddled with the zip on my jacket and my skin burned with humiliation.

“H-how much of that did you hear?” I stuttered as I peeked at him and squirmed in anticipation. My words repeated in my mind and as I reviewed all the things that he’d potentially overhead that I would rather chop off a limb than say to him, I felt like my heart might stop.

“All of it.” He breathed with a sly smile and I felt my heart skip a beat as I groaned. I felt a wave of nausea wash over me and thought that I would give anything for the chance to take it all back. Terror flooded my veins at the idea that the blissful bubble we’d existed in until now could be about to burst and I steeled myself for the potential heartbreak.

“Is there...any chance that you can just forget that you heard any of it?” I suggested with shaking hands and he did the exact thing that I’d just proclaimed my love for: chuckled lightly as he shook his head and gradually returned his gaze to me with a smile that made my head spin. “Cool, perfect. Well, if you didn’t specifically need me for anything, I’m gonna go blow my brains out.” I remarked with my hands in my pockets and I avoided meeting his eyes as I moved to stride away. I only managed a single step before he caught my arm and pulled me back to face him.

“Indie, don’t worry about it, it’s okay.” He stated as he studied me with an inscrutable expression and I was stressed by the action of locking eyes with him. I sighed as I shuffled on the spot and he reached out to place his hands on my shoulders. I couldn’t tell if he did this more as an act of comfort, or to prevent me from bolting, or maybe a combination of both. “You don’t have to be embarrassed with me. Was all that true?” He probed as he examined my face and I nodded reluctantly. “Why didn’t you say something sooner if it was bothering you so much?” He interrogated and I shrugged avoidantly.

“I don’t know, it seemed dumb.” I grumbled as I tried to push aside the urge to escape. I cleared my throat and decided that if we were going to have this conversation, I may as well say what I needed. “Why weren’t you just honest about Knox?” I enquired and Bellamy shrugged in defeat. This relieved some of the tension in the air as we acknowledged that we’d both played a part in creating this situation with our ridiculous behaviours and for a moment I broke into a smile as I viewed him.

“You know that you don’t have to worry about me with Mel, or anyone else, right?” He suggested as I fixed him with a baffled expression. “I don’t need anything else when I have everything I want with you.” He admitted with a genuine tone and I scoffed in disbelief. He took my face in his hands to force me to meet his eyes and I was surprised by the intensity of his gaze. “I’m serious. You’re beautiful, funny, smart. You give me advice when I need it and you keep me going. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He confessed and I stared back at him with wide eyes. “I know you had a hard time in Mount Weather, Love, but you’re forgetting that whilst you were there, I lost you too. You're not the only one who had a reality check. I’ve had plenty of time to think and finally getting you back has made me realise that I don’t ever want to lose you again, not to anything.” He paused to bite his lip and I noticed a hint of vulnerability that he tried to conceal. “You’re my girl, I don’t want anyone to question that anymore, especially not you.” He emphasised and I felt a smile breaking through my concern.

“Are you asking me to be your girlfriend, Bellamy Blake?” I crooned with a warmth spreading in my chest as the reality of his words struck me. He tilted his head closer and I bit my lip with a rush of excitement.

“I’m not asking.” He drawled before he leaned in to finally kiss me. The moment that his lips touched mine, I felt a sense of relief and there was a peace that I had craved for longer than I had realised. Thanks to Raven’s gamble, I had security at last.

***

The tension that had been hanging over us completely dissipated over the past few weeks and although we’d been too busy to see much of each other, it didn’t cause any stress now that we knew where we stood. Bellamy had received a whole new batch of volunteers for the guard, which translated into far more frequent shifts for him with the recruits and my training with Octavia had ramped up a notch now that she was starting to see progress. Monty had somehow convinced Jasper to start taking some of his shifts back in mechanical, which was a relief as Monty was looking rather bedraggled recently.

I’d used my new additional free time to either work on building muscle, or studying Trig. I was able to hold almost entire conversations in it now and although I still made the occasional mistake or found worlds that I hadn’t learned, I was proud of the new skill. It was a surprise to discover that Lincoln was slightly chattier in his native tongue and I’d come to appreciate our conversations more due to their infrequency. We bonded mostly over a joint protectiveness of Octavia, but I also enjoyed the quiet wisdom about him that I witnessed more now that he had moved into Arkadia. It was strange to see him living amongst us after our violent beginnings, but he seemed to be adapting well and fell into communicating with other campers far better than I ever would have expected. I was studying in the courtyard of camp, enjoying the cool spring sunshine when Monty rushed over.

“Hey Indie, have you seen Jasper?” He queried with blatant fear filling his face and something about his manner immediately put me on edge.

“No, I’m sorry.” I answered and he hissed in response. “I thought he was doing a shift today? Is everything okay?” I investigated as he shuffled on the spot with distress and I analysed him worriedly.

“He was, he didn’t turn up and I’ve only just heard. No one’s seen him all day and it’s been hours since he left dorms.” He confirmed with his brows deeply furrowed and I quickly got to my feet to assist.

“You want me to take this to Bel, get a search party out or are we keeping this on the down low?” I breathed as I felt his panic bleeding into me and my heart hammered in my chest.

“Let’s just keep it between us for now, I don’t want to get Jasper in trouble.” He muttered and I nodded obediently.

“Alright, let’s split up and meet back here if you can’t find him.” I suggested and we rushed apart in search of him.

I checked anywhere that I thought Jasper was likely to attend for fun first, in the vain hope that he may finally have felt like enjoying himself. When that failed, I had to acknowledge the painful thought that he may have gone somewhere quiet to harm himself and I felt an overpowering anxiety building in me as I searched the secluded areas where I thought it would be easiest to do this. I passed Monty in the mechanical building as we both seemed to have the same idea to investigate the unused rooms and abandoned corners.

In one of the final rooms, I turned to leave when I noticed a boot out of the corner of my eye. I crouched down to examine it and discovered Jasper passed out under a table. I gasped as I neared him in terror and immediately checked for any sign of a pulse. An intense wave of relief washed over me as I confirmed that he was alive and I leaned closer to the door to call out.

“Monty! In here!” I cried, before returning to Jasper to pull him across my lap. I shook him until he responded as I became fearful that he could have overdosed and he groaned dramatically but didn’t seem to be able to wake. Monty stumbled into the room in a fluster and I smiled up at him. “I’ve got him.” I confirmed but Monty could clearly see the concern in my eyes as he glanced between me and Jasper, whose head flopped back in my arms.

“Ugh, he’s tanked.” Monty stated and as I turned to view him doubtfully, I noticed the empty flask further under the desk. “I’d recognise that look on him anywhere. Damn it, Jasper.” He growled with an evident frustration and I sighed in disappointment as I scooped up the evidence to hide in my pocket. “Can you help me get him back to dorms?” Monty asked with an embarrassed expression and I nodded in understanding.

“Of course, my love.” I answered as I got to my feet and we managed to hoist him between us with difficulty. He was barely conscious enough to manage to walk with some stern encouragement and his arms over our shoulders to keep him upright.

“You’re a mess, dude.” Monty scolded, but Jasper only managed an offended groan in response. Monty rolled his eyes and sighed. “I’m sorry about this Indie.” He mumbled awkwardly.

“Hey, it’s fine. Family isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, right?” I smiled encouragingly at him and he made his best effort to return it.

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puddygeeks · 4 years ago

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Wᴇ Cᴏᴍᴇ Rᴜɴɴɪɴɢ - Tʜᴇ 100 Bᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ x OC - Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 53: Jᴜs Dʀᴇɪɴ Jᴜs Dᴀᴜɴ

Masterlist

Rating: Mature

Fandom: CW’s The 100

Pairing: OC x Bellamy Blake

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

Warnings: Mature content. Non-consent, language, sex, self harm, suicide, anxiety, helplessness, torture, captivity/confinement, alcohol/drug use.

Chapter Fifty-Three

I woke with a gasp as water slapped across my face and sat up shivering to find Arlo holding an empty bucket with a cold stare. The entire contents of my tent were soaked and the few items of clothing that I kept on to sleep in were stuck to my skin. My gaze fell on Arlo with a heavy accusation behind my eyes, but she was entirely unfazed by the aggression of my posture.

“You did not wake when I called. Get ready to leave.” She shrugged in a nonchalant manner and allowed the bucket to clatter to the ground as she exited the tent. I cursed under my breath at my rude awakening and busied myself with dressing for the day. When I stepped outside, I found Arlo waiting with the horses and as I approached her, she reached out to hand me something. A set of well worn diggers were placed in my hands and I glanced up at her in surprise. “These will suit your style. Use them well.” Despite having just provided me with a gift, her words still carried the air of an order and I nodded obediently. “Food is running low. You need to learn to live off the land if you are to be one of us. Let’s go.” She directed and I followed her lead to mount the horses.

We rode through the open spaces of the area for a while and I noticed that I was starting to grow familiar with the land. Octavia had explained that living in villages and constantly moving had given her a good sense of direction in the past, but this had made little sense to me until now. Arlo led us to the edge of a forest and instructed me to secure the horses. We started through the trees on foot and I tried to remain light footed as Lincoln had taught me. She spent some time setting traps in the area and I watched closely as she carried out the steps as if they were as mundane to her as breathing. It was fascinating to observe her tracking and although she only shared small nuggets of information as she worked rather than teaching me in detail, I lapped up every shred of knowledge that I could.

Arlo made catching large predatory animals seem obnoxiously simple and she guided me through the process of stripping the animal for its meat and fur. I was impressed by the grounder way of using everything and silently followed her with the packaged parts of our catch to a trader in a small house in the middle of nowhere. She thrust a scarf into my hands to wrap around me as a hood, warning that I should be careful not to be recognised here and instructed me to wait outside whilst she did her business. I was feeling strained from the long day but still enjoyed the opportunity to expand my skill set as I considered how useful these lessons could be for the survival of Arkadia. Once she had finished, we made our way back to our horses and I noticed that something in her attitude seemed to have relaxed slightly since her cold reception this morning.

“Why do you carry anger?” Her sudden question caught me off guard and I met her eyes with an uncertain expression. She rolled her eyes at my reaction and continued to tread through the mud with a stern feel to her movements. “It is written all over your face; your rage, your loss, your fear. You are dominated by them. A warrior is guided by their feelings, not controlled by them. What do you hold onto?” She asked with a directness that I still hadn’t adjusted to and I cleared my throat awkwardly.

“I don’t mean to carry it. I’ve tried to let it go but I can’t.” I muttered in a poor attempt at an excuse and she fixed me with a scrutinising look over her shoulder that encouraged me to explain. “I was held captive in Mount Weather, with many other of my people. The things that they did to us haunt me. I see them every night in my dreams, over and over again.” I described as I kept my gaze trained on the ground and I felt her posture stiffen at the mention of the mountain. It seemed to be a taboo subject amongst grounders and I had to admit that I didn’t mind, as I was not keen to discuss it either.

“The mountain has fallen. Your people took their vengeance. Why do you still carry it?” She enquired in an analysing manner that reminded me of Lincoln and I sighed thoughtfully. It seemed to be such a straight-forward concept when she presented it in this way, but without the emotions to cloud her judgement, she was unable to understand the continued trauma that the past had on me.

“It’s not that simple. We are still dealing with the impact of the experience. My loved ones are hurting and the death of the mountain men hasn’t stopped that. I’m angry because even in death they are still hurting us and I can’t do anything to make them stop.” I revealed as I found my voice rising again and she studied me with interest.

“You have won the war but you cannot forget the suffering. You must grow from it, but instead you are resentful of it.” She stated in a calculated summary and I stared back at her in amazement for how easily she was able to navigate to the core of the issue. Her explanation felt like a revelation for me and cleared some of the fog that filled my mind whenever something reminded me of our shared pain. “Focus on the battle before you, not those of your past.” She advised in a mixture of an order and calm reasoning, and as she set off moving again in a determined stomp, her movements expressed that this conversation was over.

Her words repeated in my head for days as we continued to travel towards an unknown location and she frequently paused to put me through my paces with sparring. I could already feel an improvement in my techniques and was pleased that the hard work was having a positive effect. We hadn’t returned to her camp in days and although I wondered where she was leading us, I knew better than to ask questions. I resolved that she would tell me when I needed to know and instead allowed myself the time to reflect on my emotions. I continued to feel the lingering pressure of my anger in the back of my mind, but Arlo’s reflections seemed to have eased it for the time being as I considered how I could grow from the experience as she had instructed.

We rode until early afternoon in silence and I tried to untangle the web of conflicting thoughts that bounced around in my mind. Without a word, Arlo slowed to a stop and pointed for me to tie the horses out of sight in the nearby trees. I ensured that they weren’t easily spotted from the dirt road that we’d halted near and returned to the open space by the road beside her with a confused expression. She pulled a neatly folded piece of paper from her pocket and held it up for me to inspect. I could see a small list of notes with an unfamiliar seal on the bottom that seemed to carry a heavy importance and glanced back at her expectantly.

“There is a pack of ravagers in the area that are attacking villages where the warriors have been called to fight. They’ve decimated three villages of children and elders. The Commander has sentenced them to death. We have our kill orders; this is where they must meet their fate.” She explained, before stowing the paper carefully back in her belt and I realised from the placement that this was the same note that Indra gave her before. Indra’s earlier statement replayed in my mind about assigning her orders from the Commander and comprehension struck me that I was indirectly serving her too now. Arlo studied the dirt road with an intense concentration and I cleared my throat.

“Alright. What’s the plan?” I asked with a patient tone and she thinned her eyes at me over her shoulder. Although we hadn’t been together long, I’d already started to recognise some of her expressions and could see a vast selection of ideas racing past in her eyes. She glanced between me and the road, and when she next faced me, there was a determined smirk set on her lips.

“Live bait.” She drawled in an overly satisfied manner and my stomach lurched in dread. As she briefly detailed the plan, I felt my newfound confidence in our partnership quickly fizzling away into terror. Since our first interaction, she’d shown little to no concern about potentially killing me through her tests and I feared that this could be another instance where the risk was greater than I was prepared for.

Laid on our fronts in the grass, we waited for darkness to fall on the road that led to the village and Arlo informed me that she had calculated this location to be their next target. Once the light had faded, I positioned myself in clear sight on their route and draped my clothing in a way that made me look ravaged. For once, I was glad of my extensive bruising that covered my body as I attempted to look vulnerable and hoped that I would be able to catch their interest. In my mind, a voice was screaming out reasons that this was a terrible idea, as Arlo hid out of sight with my daggers and I prayed that her plan wouldn’t be the death of me. She warned that our targets seemed to go into hiding after each hunt, which had been the reason for their long standing rampage. As a result, Arlo was adamant that an ambush was the only option to find them, other than allowing the sacrifice of another village to draw them out, which was not up for deliberation.

The crunching of footsteps and deep voices drifted in the air from nearby and I tried to calm my nerves as my body chilled against the cool grass. From the arrogant boasting of their conversation, it was clear that they were indeed those responsible for the raiding and it took all of my self control to remain still as they closed in on me with interested commentary. The moment that their hands grazed my side, I sprung to my feet and in a move that had been well drilled into my mind, used my leg to sweep one of them to the ground. They were immediately riled by actions and dropped into a defensive crouch with my fists held out in front of me to protect myself. The group began to circle me hungrily and my heartbeat grew rapid as I assessed my chances in an unarmed scrap against their weapons. One of them lunged forward with a spear and I grabbed the handle to drag him off balance, before promptly kicking the back of his knee joint. A punch caught me off guard and I almost lost my footing as my face throbbed, but just managed to fall backwards in time to avoid the next hit.

“Now, sky girl!” Arlo’s voice was sharp as she fired a well aimed arrow from the trees and in her next movement, tossed my daggers to my feet. I snatched them up without a moment's hesitation and managed to deflect a heavy attack from one of the raiders. Behind them, I witnessed my tutor tearing through the group as if they weren’t hulking giants against two women and although I fought as hard as I could, my attacks were like child's play beside her experienced brutality. There was hardly a piece of clothing on me afterwards that was not covered in blood and despite wiping thoroughly, I couldn’t remove the splattering from my face. Arlo stared down at the bodies with disdain and I was afraid to interrupt as she seemed to seething at them. “Jus drein jus daun.” She growled as she glared at the pile and turned her attention to me with a determined expression. It struck me that this may be too similar to the circumstances of the death of her village and as I considered this comparison, the raw pain that glistened in her eyes confirmed my theory.

“What are your orders, seda?” I enquired calmly as I waited patiently for her to decide on our next actions and struggled not to spiral on the justification of my actions. The blood that stuck to my skin felt suffocating and instead I focused on the hurt in Arlo’s expression to remain rooted in the present.

“We burn them. Then we tell the villages that they are safe.” She declared firmly as she finally regained her usual controlled face and without question, I gathered supplies for the task.

***

My hands strung from scrubbing as I perched by the river and attempted to remove the blood from my clothing. It seemed that no matter how much I washed them, I could not clean away my sins and despite having thoroughly bathed, I could still sense the viscid substance on my skin. Doubt crept in on whether this journey was a mistake, as I considered that my intention of becoming stronger seemed to be the only goal that was being achieved. Instead of dealing with my emotions, I had murdered another short list of people with the only difference that these were under the orders of another and I couldn’t decide if this was better or worse than my choices in Mount Weather. A female voice cleared their throat so close that they were almost on my shoulder and I startled so hard that I came close to falling into the river myself.

“Guilty people are easily shaken.” Arlo stated in a cold tone as I remained with my back to her and attempted to not appear intimidated by her words. I knew that if I faced her, my eyes would likely reveal my state of mind so I continued to scour the fabrics as a distraction. “The blood of your kill is shameful to you?” She probed in a way that was closer to a statement than a question, but I understood her well enough now to know that she would be expecting an answer.

“I killed those people without even seeing their faces or knowing their names. I didn’t question it, I just did it. Is that something I should be proud of?” I responded calmly as I kept my eyes trained on my task and anticipated a lecture or stern lesson for my doubts. I was surprised when she took a seat by my side and studied me with an obvious curiosity.

“Those men killed innocent people, ended many lives. In the villages they murdered children in their beds, cut elders down as they ran for their lives. You delivered justice in the way that they knew would happen when they chose to commit these crimes. Jus drein jus daun. That is our way.” She detailed with a well practised control in the way that she spoke and I shifted awkwardly as the horror of their crimes crawled under my skin to make me feel nauseous. Her words were an immediate reduction on the weight of my regret and as I involuntarily imagined the scenes of the devastation in the villages, the punishment quickly began to feel inadequate for the atrocities they’d committed.

“Then, how are we any better than the mountain? Killing whoever opposes us for the survival of our own people and ways?” I thought aloud and she furrowed her brows at the mention of their enemies. My stomach lurched at the concept that I might have overstepped my boundaries by comparing them to their longstanding adversary and I returned my attention to the washing to avoid her gaze.

“Our people are given a choice. Follow the rules and live in peace, or break them and you will be punished.” She argued in a firmer tone than before that indicated an annoyance buried underneath her cool demeanour and I sighed as I processed this statement. “What would your people do with men such as these?” She enquired with a genuine interest and my gaze snapped back up to her in shock. Until now, it didn’t often occur to me how little Arlo and the rest of the grounders knew of our people, besides considering us to be soft. They weren’t aware that our ways weren’t all that different, as I reflected on some of the morally questionable decisions made by the council for our survival on the Ark. I considered this situation under the leadership of Arkadia for a while as I realised that I was unsure of the answer in our new society.

“Before we would probably have killed them too. We didn’t have the resources to waste on criminals.” I revealed with an uncomfortable feeling in my chest and she seemed both surprised and satisfied by this information. “But since we arrived here...I guess probably exile them?” I concluded as I recalled the decisions that had been made thus far to distance our people from our previous laws and she tutted under her breath in disapproval.

“So that they can harm others outside of your borders? This is selfish.” She growled bitterly and from her reaction, I got the impression that this was not the first time our selfish actions had affected her, or the grounders as a whole. “Or perhaps they will find allies and return for vengeance, or power? Also foolish and unwise.” She listed with an expression that was thoroughly unimpressed with this imaginary decision and I recalled Murphy’s exile. I reminded myself that this punishment eventually resulted in the death of multiple camp members, and almost Bellamy, in an attempt for him to overtake the camp. As I considered her argument, I found myself agreeing with her point of view, despite my initial reservations. “These men were given the mercy of a quick death. By our laws, they would have been executed in an agonising ceremony, but it would have taken a large force to capture them alive and the Commander does not have this to waste. They deserved their fate. You are simply the hand to deliver it. There should be no guilt in this.” She clarified with a stern expression as I raised my eyes to meet hers and I nodded in understanding, grateful for a new viewpoint to reflect on.

We shared a meal in silence as I turned her words over in my mind and tried to convince myself to liberate myself of the guilt. My gut instinct still urged me to persist in learning from her and although I could no longer recognise whether my decisions were improving or not, I listened keenly to our next briefing of tasks on her list.

“Someone is causing unrest against the Commander. There are tensions in the city that Indra believes are being exploited. We must find the source.” She instructed as she stared down at the piece of paper with intensity and I was relieved to discover that this assignment didn’t immediately seem to involve killing someone. “We will go to the trade posts. If they intend to gather numbers, they will have to venture there eventually. That is where we will lure them out.” She stated as she stashed the list away and I found myself wondering how the Commander had gained such a level of commitment from Arlo. Perhaps it was simple as providing her with a purpose after the loss of her daughter and home, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was deeper than that. She began to noisily clear things in camp and this shook me from my thoughts. I took this as my signal to get ready to leave and rushed to ensure that I had everything needed.

Arlo did a thorough check of my clothing and adjusted my hood before we even entered the trading outposts to ensure that I would not draw any unwanted attention. It was fascinating to survey her once inside the bustling locale of the market. The way that she flowed through the crowds with no effort given to her movements and seemed completely at home in the chaotic environment was mesmerising to me, as I struggled to navigate without bumping every person that I passed. It was obvious now that she had grown up as an active part of the grounder community, not always as an outcast and the closer that I observed her, the more I noticed about her. The way that she held herself provided a subtle indication that she had been in a position of authority; the scope of her observation that revealed her deep distrust of everyone and her attention to detail, and the confidence with which she presented herself as if she already expected the respect of whomever she was speaking to.

Although we remained close enough to monitor events and conversations, she ensured that we were never in the centre of everything to minimise risk. There was a remarkable amount of sights to see and I struggled to focus on any particular goal under the sensory overload of grounder culture that surrounded me. Time flew past in the excitement of the markets and despite having only heard some minor whispers at best, Arlo was determined that we were on the right trail. I began to wonder if she was withholding some kind of clues from me, as she followed some invisible lead like a bloodhound. By the third day of hanging around, we overheard a conversation that gripped us both. There was a swift response to some criticism of the alliance with the sky people, which offered a meeting to any party who might be interested in supporting a more worthy Commander.

I stood as stiff as a board as I listened as keenly as I could, whilst trying to be inconspicuous. The informant grew nervous and listed a location to meet later on, before leaving us alone to continue examining items in the marketplace as if we’d heard nothing. Once confident that we were not being watched, Arlo grabbed my arm to guide me from the stalls. We returned to our horses to fully arm up and as we headed toward the meeting point, I noticed a subtle fury in her eyes that only further fuelled my earlier suspicions about her commitment to the Commander.

“Remember, we take the leader alive.” Arlo emphasised as we crunched through the trees into the woodlands around the trade posts and I nodded in acknowledgement.

We split up to approach our target from opposite sides of the clearing and I was assigned the role of ambusher whilst Arlo distracted the informant by masquerading as an interested ally. I crept low to the ground and concentrated on making my steps as quiet as possible. There was a set of men awaiting Arlo, either side of a smaller framed person who wore a hood and kept their back to me. I analysed that this was the person that we’d heard earlier and knew that this would be our target to capture. I observed as Arlo strolled up to them with a poker face that could only be developed through years of sly tactics and ensured that I was well placed to strike at a moment's notice. As soon as I was sure that she was close enough, I leapt forward to capture the smallest target whilst Arlo efficiently cut down the two guards. The informant struggled against my grip and it was a challenge to contain her, until she was quickly injected with something that I hadn’t seen used before now. She went limp in my hands and dropped quickly to the ground.

“Azgeda, should have known.” Arlo commented as she pushed back the hood to reveal several purposeful burns on the face of our captive in tribal patterns. I felt my gut drop at the mention of this clan again and was conflicted on whether to mention the last attack from them that Octavia and I had survived. Before I could decide, she straightened to standing and fixed me with a stern expression. “I need to take her to Polis for questioning. The Commander will want to investigate this herself. I cannot take you with me whilst tensions with your people are mounting. You are to meet me where Indra signals in four days.” She ordered whilst I struggled to comprehend that I had just been given free time and blinked back at her with a blank expression. “Four days to decide if you can live with your choices and fight on, or do not come back. Do not disappoint me sky girl.” She added coldly as she thinned her eyes and her withering stare snapped me from my shock.

I assisted her in transporting the Azgedan to the horses and as she galloped off with her evidence gracelessly slung across the horse, I directed myself back to our camp. It felt strange to return to my original clothes and as I gradually released my hair from the tight braids, I felt as if I hardly recognised myself any longer. It was as if I had split myself into two people and the transition between the two was uncomfortable as I strained to remember where each belonged. I was relieved that the worst of my bruising seemed to have faded now and though it was significantly better than when Octavia left, I still appeared as if I had a gruelling time away from home. I packed my grounder clothes into a bag in case I needed them in a rush and mounted the horse to navigate back to Arkadia.

Crossing the field in front of our gates, the sensation rushed over me that I had been away for years and I felt butterflies in my stomach at the thought of returning. I prayed that I would not return to chaos, as I needed some time to simply recharge after the intensity of Arlo. Once near the gates, I waited patiently whilst the guard tower radioed for permission to allow me inside and had to laugh at the absurdity of this when I’d barely been gone for ten days. The realisation slowly sunk in that if Bellamy had not already been aware of my arrival before, then he’d probably hear on the radio now and I was unsure what to expect from his greeting. I trotted inside with my usual array of bruises and hoped that he would not make a scene about the state of me. It was a relief to plod through the courtyard with little more than a few polite nods from nearby residents as I passed and I wandered to the stables to settle my horse calmly. Turning to leave, I found Octavia standing in the doorway with her arms crossed.

“Ah, the wanderer returns at last.” She pouted in a tone that indicated that she was unimpressed with my absence and I rolled my eyes at her in disapproval.

“I said I was going to wait until I looked better to come back. I wasn’t away that long! And I checked in with Bellamy, he said camp was fine.” I replied defensively and she shook her head at me as she slowly broke into a smirk. It was obvious that she was too relieved that I was home to maintain her annoyance and I let out a slow breath as I relaxed.

“Well, you still look like hell. Just so you know.” She stated with a brow raised mockingly and I chuckled at her blunt attitude. I began to stroll lazily out of the stables and she remained close by my side. “Bellamy and the others are out on the rover for a while yet, so it sounds like you have some free time. I remember you making me a promise when I saw you last.” She probed with her eyes glistening with a clear agenda and I groaned in rebellion as I recalled our conversation.

“Tavi, I don’t need to see a doctor, I’m fine.” I argued, already regretting my previous comment about seeing Abby and she halted on the spot to fix me with a scathing glare. I gulped in dread as I anticipated her response and shuffled avoidantly on the spot.

“Oh really?” She enquired in a baiting tone and I nodded back in stubborn determination. She reached out to push my waist and a fierce howl escaped my lips as I stumbled away from her in shock. “Yeah, really looks like it. Come on, let’s get to medical.” She declared with a hint of a victorious confidence in her voice and I sighed in frustration, whilst remaining disobediently on the spot. “You can either walk there willingly, or we can fight and you can end up being carried there in a stretcher. Your choice.” She ordered with complete seriousness to her threat and I reluctantly accepted my fate. In all honesty, I wanted my time here to be as restful as possible and if sitting on a bed whilst Abby fussed around me would get Octavia out of my hair, I was willing to begrudgingly endure it.

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