#currently sobbing. this song is the autumn. you have to understand. this is it

[kil9]

TAEMIN - off-sick - DOOR

[stellartales]

zhongli ▪︎ glazed moon

pairing: zhongli x traveler!reader

genre(s): comfort + mild angst + fluff

summary: liyue harbor is once again preparing for another festival — the mid-autumn festival. but somehow she simply couldn't bring herself to join the others in the celebration. definitely not when her heart is aching in melancholy for her missing twin. — | m.list

background: this scenario takes place during the mid-autumn festival - as quoted from wikipedia - it is the second-most important holiday after Chinese New Year with a history dating back 3,000 years, when China's emperors worshipped the moon for bountiful harvests.[2] The celebration is called Chuseok (autumn eve) in Korea, Tsukimi (moon-viewing) in Japan and Tết Trung Thu (Mid-Autumn Festival) in Vietnam

this event celebrated by the chinese is usually spent eating mooncakes and drinking teas. lanterns are also an important aspect of this festival. unlike the yuanxiao fesitval or mingxiao festival (which is the fictional festival featuring best boy Xiao in GI) where lanterns are released into the sky, lanterns are hand-held. this is a festival i celebrate every year hence i'm familiar with it — feel free to read up about this on wiki!

a/n: don't mind me, this is just a random idea that popped in my head. i'm in the mood for some angsty stuff these days so just had to get it out. Flute version of 无羁 (Wu Ji) from the drama 'Untamed' was the song which inspired my angsty mood while typing this. pardon my errors (I may have missed them and i kinda wrote this on a spur sooooo yea)

Please do me a favor and reblog this. Thank youuuu ❤

the vitality of liyue harbor has always been astounding; an envy of the seven nations.

bright, bustling streets even in the darkness of nights was enough to show the nature of the city.

though, today it was a different kind of bustle. stores were already closed; even the nocturnal businesses that one would only see at night.

the moon had been bright and round the past few nights while the people busied themselves for another festival to come.

— the mid-autumn festival, an annual festival celebrated by the people of liyue or at least that was what zhongli explained yesterday when he extended an invitation to her to join him and others in moon-gazing today.

tonight, the moon shone bright and full in the clear dark sky, seemingly more so than the previous nights.

strategically rooted to the ground of a spacious balcony overlooking the gentle waves below, the stone tables were in a perfect spot beneath the brilliant moon.

colorful mooncakes of various flavors and teacups filled with steaming tea laid before her.

she sat at one of the round stone tables with some funeral parlor staff and of course, zhongli himself who has been rather busy ever since she arrived—

the cheerful chatters and laughter drew her eyes away from the empty seat beside her and to the tables across theirs.

his archon days were over, he said.

he was simply trying to experience a mundane life as 'zhongli' now, as the geo archon had put it when she expressed her surprise at his involvement with a festival fabricated by the mortals' minds.

and indeed—

her gaze idled on him.

— he was doing it too well.

illuminated by the golden glow the table lanterns emanated, the cordial and relaxed atmosphere was warmed by attentive eyes and smiling lips.

all on him.

apparently, some things never changed. whether he was rex lapis or zhongli, he carried an alluring elegance and charisma. clinging to every word and his occasional hand gestures, they were like moths drawn to a flame.

she could understand why; she liked hearing him talk. she would have gone over too, if not...if not for this weight on her heart.

it has been nearly a year since she was in teyvat looking for her twin. these few days in the harbor, the full moon was a constant reminder of how time has passed, and yet...

a heavy sigh escaped her. a longing gleam waned in her eyes as she lifted her gaze to the sky.

they used to talk and eat under a full moon just like this, a bitter ache clenched her heart.

her teeth sank into her lower lip as it trembled.

please...not now. her hands curled into shaking fists as she tried to hold back the tears threatening to leave her eyes.

not now. not at this party. she silently pleaded with herself, her squared shoulders shaking. it took all her willpower to not let the dam break.

but one managed to escape her anyway.

—shit.

she was up on her feet fast and slipped away from the party as subtly as she could.

stumbling out of the party half-blind with tears wasn't exactly the best situation to remember about the cloak meant to keep her warm on an autumn night.

luckily, she didn't end up falling off the stairs she currently sat on.

autumn in liyue was typically not cold, but tonight seemed especially so.

she shivered to the chilly breeze brushing against her back. goosebumps crawled across her skin, particularly on the areas her dress failed to protect against the cold.

she couldn't quite bring herself to go back for the cloak. not with the mess she was now.

the sight of the round moon above wavered in her vision as tears quietly trailed down her cheeks.

under the vast, seemingly endless night sky, she felt small...

— her knees were drawn closer to her chest, curled fingers digging into her dress.

...and extremely powerless.

where is he? why can't she find him? is he even in teyvat? Is he even...still alive? does he even exist anymore?

—a dreading sense of hopelessness echoed in her heart and summoned another wave of tears wavering her vision.

under this wide, endless sky and its luminous moon, she felt alone, truly alone in the presence of the joyous cacophony of laughter and playful yells coming from the festival she left behind.

a nasty voice prompted by the noise taunted her — of how no one would notice, even if she were to walk right out of liyue harbor right now.

drowning in harsh, relentless thoughts, she failed to notice the gaze of a pair of wise, golden eyes on her back, soft with concern.

long legs covered the distance between them in a quiet, graceful stride; the gentle clacks of his loafers whenever their heels hit the ground slipped past her notice too.

not even when he climbed down the steps to settle himself next to her, a step above hers.

not even the inevitable proximity between their bodies caused by the short stairs spacious for one but narrow for two.

only until his coat was off his shoulders and wrapped around hers—

"why the tears on the mid-autumn festival?"

—she jolted with a sharp gasp, her widening eyes snapping over to him.

the calm and prodding gaze that met hers was accompanied by the tender brush of his thumb across her left cheek, right under her tearing eye before switching over to her other.

"zh-zhongli?"

she stayed stunned, unsure she was feeling so because someone noticed she had left or was it because of this simple gesture.

zhongli has always been a mentor-like figure to her. his words, his wise gazes, the comforting pets he occasionally gave on her head and back had always reminded her of how she was a mere child in his eyes.

but tonight...this, nothing about the gentleness his hand or his eyes emanate felt normal. or was she just delirious?

the strange stutter of her heart caused by the hand on her face, the blush heating up her cheeks made her tear her gaze away from his, flustered.

zhongli let his hand drop back onto his knee, but his eyes stayed.

crossing her arms to hold onto his coat sitting on her shoulders, she thought hard to recall his question.

"i can't help thinking about my brother, that's all." she looked back at him, smiling.

a smile he thought reminded him of the moon when it was not yet full — a quiet light melancholic with vague sadness.

"don't worry about me, i'll be fine." she slipped a glance over her shoulder in the direction of the festival. "you should go back there, zhongli, they need you. what's mid-autumn festival for liyue without you?"

she moved to remove the coat from her shoulders, but a hand wrapped around her wrist stopped her.

"but what's mid-autumn festival without you, my dear friend?"

zhongli regarded her intently, his eyes boring into hers for a second before shifting to focus on his coat.

there was something else in his eyes when they return to hers; it came and went in a flicker. "...keep this on, it's chilly today."

"thanks..." she murmured, her shoulders sinking as she yet again returned her thoughts to her brother.

"aether..." the pain she guarded showed on her face. "will i ever be able to see him again?"

tears started to well up in her eyes once again.

"i'm sorry, zhongli, i'm so sorry..." a quiet sob broke through, "today is supposed to be about the mid-autumn festival, and yet...here you are, listening to me."

zhongli's mouth opened then snapped close.

he always knew what to say whenever she was in a pinch. however, it was tears this time, and he wasn't exactly sure about what he should do about his body's urge to extend his arms out to her.

he was already more than a thousand years old.

as the former geo archon, he was the immovable rock. emotions and impulses he used to hold within himself in his younger days were buried deep under the sands of time...or at least they should be.

so where did this come from? was this strange stir an inevitable part of being a mortal?

"you know what?"

her movement to rise from the spot beside him turned his head back to her.

resolute hardened the glint in her tearing eyes, "i don't want to hold you back any longer,"

her fingers curled into a shaky fist, nails digging into her palm.

"....the people need you. i-i think i should just go bac—"

his hand flew out before he could think any further; his body was faster than his thoughts this time.

her next breath puffed out of her, in surprise and bewilderment as her body was tugged and cocooned by a breathing warmth before she could understand what happened.

and when she did, her eyes flew wide.

cheek pressed against his neck, she found herself held to his chest. she could feel his chin atop her head and his arms around her.

he was beside her a moment ago, and now he was behind sharing the same step as her, broad enough to accommodate them. was she the one who moved? or did he?

she didn't know how but she couldn't find the energy to care —the scent of musk and lingering tea engulfing her was an alluring comfort that made her want to stop trying.

so warm. really, really warm.

and so was his voice. "...but you need me." a hand caressed the back of her head.

there was a pause before a feigned cough ensued. "i meant, this."

[quillarchive]

Durin’s Day: Boxing Day Edition??

Here is my fic for Durin’s Day!  It was inspired by the amazing @ofahattersmind, who was 100% more patient than I deserve with my writing issues this month. 

See the lovely art here!

Happy Durin’s Day ah....delayed!

----

Fili is five the first time it happens. 

It begins with a sense of warmth and contentment that almost makes sense - he’s by the fire with his parents, and happy enough - but the warmth is stifling and the contentment brief.  But what follows - a sense of searing brightness, fear, indignation, is so clearly foreign that he bursts into tears, burying his face in his father’s chest and shaking with the power of it.  

He tries to explain, but he’s only a child, five years old and precocious but with no point of reference for what’s just happened to him.  It passes in minutes, and his sobs give way to little gasps for breaths and the occasional hiccup as his father rubs his back and kisses his hair and worries over him.

His mother has her suspicions, but keeps them to herself.

Keep reading or Read on Ao3!

----

For Kili, there is no “first time.”  From the day he’s born, he seems oddly mercurial, his mood shifting suddenly from time to time.  He’s a cheerful, loving child, outgoing and friendly nearly to a fault (“We don’t talk to strangers,” he recites after his mother, but once someone says hello, they’re not a stranger anymore!).  But there are times when he goes quiet and thoughtful, watching the world instead of forcing himself on it.  He likes those times, he says.  He feels peaceful.  Like he’s not alone.  

“That’s our Kili,” his mother says fondly, watching him go from spinning in hyperactive circles to curling up happily on the couch, watching the crackling fire. 

----

Kili hears words first.  Perhaps it should frighten him, but it doesn’t.  It feels like his quiet times, and the voice in his head isn’t saying anything scary.  It’s a little boy voice, like his, and it’s studiously practicing multiplication tables.  Kili’s years from learning them, though when the day comes he’ll already know them and won’t quite be able to explain how. 

In the stories about soul bonds, the first communication is usually dramatic and meaningful, the beginning of something otherworldly.

For Kili, it makes his nines tables a sinch five years later.

----

Fili’s parents die when he’s twelve.  His uncle takes him in, serious Thorin with his Durin-blue eyes and limited understanding of how children work.  He is the one who tells Fili about soulbonds, how rare they are, how their minds meet across the entire world.  He suspects Fili has one.

“And if you do,” he says, as gently as he knows how, “they’ll be feeling all the pain you’re feeling, and might be very scared by it.”

Maybe it’s a dirty trick, using a boy’s empathy for others to dry his tears and toughen up, but it appears to work.  Fili stops crying so much, starts getting out of bed and living life.

But what Kili feels, far away, isn’t the facade but the real thing.

His parents worry and fuss and arrange for therapy as he cries himself to sleep, night after night.

-----

Fili is rather secretive by nature.  He doesn’t want to bother anyone into worrying about him, and by the time he’s fourteen, he certainly knows they’d worry if they knew he talks to himself in his head all the time. The fact that the voice is different from his own only makes it more disturbing.  

I hate living with Thorin he’ll sulk, because Thorin is trying but he isn’t Fili’s parents. And his own mind answers Yeah he seems like a and a stuttering pause before dick that makes Fili laugh.  

And then he’ll find himself defending Thorin, who isn’t so bad, and the voice makes up a silly song about Thorin’s tendency to talk like it’s 1854 until Fili is sprawled in bed grinning to himself over how clever the voice in his head is, and why can’t he be that clever in real life?

----

Kili is an open book, and he forgets not to just talk back to the voice in his head.  It’s cute when he’s a little boy with his invisible friend, but the older he gets the more concerned the adults in his life get.  

He doesn’t know about the quiet meetings among counselors, teachers, and his parents.  He doesn’t really understand the new doctor who tries to convince him the voice isn’t real.  

He doesn’t like the summer he has to leave home and go stay in a hospital for two weeks during his vacation.  He’s furious, and lonely, and everyone is telling him to lie about the friend in his mind, but he’s not a good liar by nature.

I’ll know the truth his brain-friend says.  We’ll know.  Just tell them you don’t and then tell me you do.  It’ll make them happy.

Kili is reluctant, but he does as he’s told.

He still slips up sometimes,and he sees the worry in his parents’ eyes and laughs it off.  He’s a class clown, right?  He can get rid of these things.

Only his friend knows he hates it, hates the lies, curls up in his covers and sniffles some nights, feeling like a bad person.  

For a while, his friend promises to go away, and leave him alone. But that is so much worse, because it’s quiet in his head and he’s all alone and. “Is this what people want me feel?” he asks the dark, arms wrapped around a well-worn blush manatee he’s too old for as well (keeps it under the bed so his parents won’t take it away, as his friend suggested).  “It’s awful.”

And he tells his friend just how awful it is, until he comes back.

---

It’s sensible enough to name his inner voice Kili, Fili figures.  As good as anything else.  It is just an aspect of himself.  A..creative one.  Who tells stories about a life different from him.  Who lives out some of Fili’s fears (is he not quite sane?? Is his inner voice too much??  Don’t writers and such have this??  It’s fine, it’s fine).  Who is warm and funny and optimistic in a way Fili isn’t, but wants to be.  

Just a way of thinking things through.  It’s fine if he gives it a name.

He hopes.

----

His friend’s name is Fili, and Kili loves how they match. It’s like destiny in his favorite tv show!  They’re meant to be the best of friends!  The show is all about a legend about soulmates being bound from birth, and talking to each other, and finding each other and--

---

Fili visits the library, and researches, and wonders.

---

It happens on a lovely fall day in Fili’s home town. Fili is working on his post graduate degree in business administration - not the most interesting, but it’ll help out his uncle’s business, and that’s a guaranteed job that will pay enough that he can hone his own hobbies and interests on his off time. He’s still sensible, but that doesn’t mean he can’t turn some of that practicality to funding his personal interest in writing and travel. 

He’s also working at the business’s central office, actual pay instead of an internship, so he’s stayed close to home.  He’s saving money for a trip down south, for warm weather and sprawling beaches that remind him of stories he’s heard.  Or.  Made up.  Via Kili.

Fili tosses hair back over his shoulder, adjusts his coat, and walks into his favorite park.  The trees here were selected to look as colorful as possible in autumn, and he loves it.  Best time of year, hands down.

-----

Unlike Fili, Kili traveled for university.  He’s on the archery and lacrosse teams, with actual scholarships, and he’s studying English, which is mostly so he can go on into a proper specialty in myths and folktales.  He secretly believes he is a folk tale, despite the counseling and medications to convince him otherwise.  He loves the city, filled with carefully maintained parks and currently a chaos of fall colors.  It’s too hot back home for anything like this-

He sees someone out of the corner of his eye, and turns his head with practiced nonchalance for a better look.  Kili is a man who appreciates the human form.  Oh ho, he thinks, he’s hot.

And he is, all long golden hair and neat beard and fur lined leather jacket.  He’s shorter than Kili, but more solid.  He looks delicious, in the best way.

Stop creeping people out, says Fili in his head, and Kili laughs.

The man stops, frowning a little.”Odd,” he says aloud in a soft tenor voice that makes Kili’s heart thump.

He gives his head a little shake before looking around.  Blue eyes- so blue Kili can make them out from a fair distance - flicker in Kili’s direction.  He doesn’t seem to have a bit of Kili’s secret shyness.  He smiles, slow and inviting.

Never mind, I’ve found a pretty one, too, Fili says in Kili’s mind.

Kili nearly chokes on his own spit.  

The blond man turns and walks closer, more than a hint of swagger in his steps. 

“Hey,” he says smoothly.

-----

Kili feels his jaw drop.  His heart is racing.  He can hear it in his ears.  He bungee jumped once, Fili refusing to have anything to do with it.  It felt like this, like ziplines and roller coasters that flip you upside down.

He clicks his jaw shut.  

“Ah...hey,” he says back, intelligently.

---

Fili feels a flash of concern, and steps closer.  “You okay?”  He puts his hands up.  “Promise I’m not a serial killer after tourists.  I’m honestly just flirting.”

---

“I’m not a tourist!”  It’s not what Kili means to say, because he knows, in his bones, who this guy is.  He wonders why he never really thought about what Fili must look like.  He’d have thought taller, but everything else…

Yum.

“I’ve been here a year!”

----

“Oh, pardon.”  Fili grins and bows like an old-fashioned gentleman.  “Practically a local, then.  Does that mean you’re familiar with the Ri Family Teashop?”

Fili is forward, but not usually this forward.  But somehow, he wants to know this person.

Or already knows him.

Something.

----

Kili starts to grin.  “Are you asking me to tea?” he asks, because oh, good, Fili knows him too.

“Hmm.  I don’t know.  My mother said never to have tea with strangers.”  Fili holds a hand.  “Fili Durin, local peacekeeper and not an axe murderer, and you are?”

----

The cutie is staring at him, and the stare is starting to look singularly unimpressed.  “You know who I am, Fili.”

“Ah, afraid not,” Fili answers, but there’s a tug in his belly like he’s lying to his uncle Thorin about why he was out so late as a teenager.  “But I very much hope to.”

The definitely a nine sighs and puts his hands on his hips.  “I honestly thought you were smarter than this.  But you can’t be completely perfect, I guess.”  But he’s smiling, fit to battle the sun, and Fili can’t even work up a sense fo indignation.  “It’s me, Fili.  It’s Kili.”

-----

Fili will deny it until they are old and grey, and Kili will just keep telling the truth anyway.

Fili’s eyes roll back in his head, and he stumbles, and Kili grabs Fili in his strong arms like the hero he is.  It’s not fair to say Fili passes out, maybe fades a bit would be more accurate.

Either way, he regrets it forever because it makes him the damsel who wakens (blinks and sees better, because he wasn’t unconscious or anything that dramatic, correct?) in the arms of a stranger who is no stranger at all.  And dammit, Kili even kisses him awake.

(It’s soft and chaste and sweet and Kili, a press of lips just like his voice, beloved and real and everything Fili ever wanted to be real.)

“Hi,” Kili says again, grinning down at him.  “Welcome back.”

Fili will argue later that he didn’t go anywhere and he would have been fine and etc. etc, but for now, he reaches up from his awkward arching slouch in Kili’s arms and brushes hair from those playful hazel eyes, and tugs him down for their second kiss.

----

Nice!, they think, and the kiss turns into laughter.

[sauveteen]

Burned Out Pt. 2 | s.m

this is part 2. catch up here.

warning: LONG ASS CHAPTER BECAUSE I HAD SO MANY IDEAS THAT I WANTED TO FIT IN UWU hope this makes you CRY / lots of build up i'm so soRrry (ran out of text blocks on this one so had to shorten it RIP)

The last time Shawn saw you was at his album launch party. He was reluctant to invite you, for reasons innumerable, but he couldn't not invite you either. He could tell you didn't want to be there, tell that you were all but shrivelling under the gaze of his friends and colleagues. Only you didn't know why until after you listened to the album.

To one's surprise but yours, you were his muse. Not for a song or two, like you had expected, but for an entire album. Titled Because I Had You, Shawn's fourth studio album was a sixteen track masterpiece lined with one heartbreak anthem after another. If you thought the title single was bad, the rest of the album had you sobbing in bed at night, stomach churning at the thought that the entire world was now a witness to what were supposed to be private moments, only for the two of you and no one else to see. It wasn't even the subtly sexual songs like Particular Taste that maddened you, but the way he wrote about your love. Bold, powerful, passionate — when, in reality, it was everything but.

What Shawn and you had was delicate. It was beautiful, like a dainty flower creeping through cracks in a cemented floor. Like a green leaf on an autumn day. Not what he wrote, and definitely not what his music videos portrayed.

And that was that. Whatever little hope you had harboured of Shawn being a nice person, of him respecting your wishes and leaving you the hell alone after what happened went down the drain. All you had expected from him after the terrible way he'd left you, no questions asked, was your private life back. No instagram posts, no tweets, and certainly no interviewers entertained. He had seemed sincere enough when he promised to do nothing of the sort, pinky finger held out to you in the adorable manner that only he could pull off. Your heart had lurched, then, calling yourself stupid to ever think that Shawn would disrespect you like that.

And then when the album came out — you hadn't told him not to write songs about you, had you? So it was only fair. He kept his end of the promise, he said. Never took your name, he said. But he did name you, in every other way possible. Your eyes. Your hair. Your scent. The books you read, the songs you sung. All out in the world for people to listen to, and pick you apart. All because he needed a banger of an album to top his previous ones and what better publicity than an unexplained, undramatic breakup, right?

In that moment, you'd said Fuck him and never looked back.

Until today. Despite pushing it back for as long as possible, your friends had coaxed you into hosting a party at your place, since you had completely distanced yourself for the best part of the year after the breakup. It hurt too much to see Shawn completely unbothered, drinking the night away, a girl that wasn't you snuggling into his side. God, you weren't jealous when you were together, so why did it hurt so much to see him with someone else when you two were apart? But your friends being your friends had managed to weasle their way back in, and here you are again. And here Shawn is again.

For the most part, you avoid him. You know he's been looking at you all night, stealing glances when his date doesn't isnt looking, his cheeks tinged red with the alcohol he'd been nursing, loud laughter reverberating through the room. Know he's been looking for signs of him all over your apartment, little titbits of the glorious time you had together.

Tough luck, champ, you scoff to yourself as you head towards the fridge to get out another case of beers out and ready on the counter. As soon as you were coherent enough to function again, the first thing you did was dump all his things in a storage unit and mail him the key. You couldn't bare even the briefest of conversations, and that was the best solution you could come up with at the time.

Well, everything except the ring. While all the love and fondness attached to the piece of jewellery had completely vanished over time, its value still remained. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't get rid of it. Probably never will, either, but that's a story for another day.

But you digress. Currently, like always, you have more pressing matters on hand. Your fridge seems to be all out of Coronas, and while your friends like to act pretentious, no amount of Chardonnay can get them buzzing like a gold old bottle of beer. Sighing to yourself, you decide the only solution is a quick run to the liquor store, since you're the only one sober enough for the job. You smooth your dress down, grabbing your keys as you announce your departure to your shitfaced friends.

"I'll be back in fifteen minutes, tops. Please, for the love of God, do not touch my record player."

"Are we allowed to go into your lingerie drawer?" One of your friends, Kooper teases, raising his glass of scotch towards you. You grin, lifting a shoulder in response, "If you can find it, sure."

"I'm sure Shawn can help," Comes a slurred reply, and you can feel your cheeks start to redden. There's a couple of chuckles around the room, and before Shawn gathers his thoughts to respond, you're pulling the door shut behind you.

Shawn is left staring at the door, where you were standing mere seconds ago. His neck feels hot at the thought of going anywhere near your lingerie drawer again, so he chooses to keep quiet. Taking his bottom lip between his teeth, he tries to focus on what his date is saying (something about politics, he really doesn't understand a lot), but it's hard to ignore the dull ache in his heart, growing more painful with every second that passes.

You look gorgeous. Ravishing, almost. And Shawn's always known that, always questioned how exactly he ended up with a catch like you in the first place. Especially tonight, however, because you're wearing red and it's such a look against your tan skin that it has his mind spinning at the sight. The beer in his veins is enough to keep him floating a few centimetres above reality, chucking him into an alternate universe where he didn't break your heart and your trust, and you didn't hate him for either of those two.

His date places a hand on his thigh, and he reacts almost immediately. Although her touch is innocent, hands still animatedly flying around, his mind is everything but.

"Hey, babe," He interrupts sheepishly, "While I would love to talk about Trump for the rest of the night, is it cool if we... get out of here?"

Her smirk then is one that has him blanching in anticipation. It's just the right amount of teasing with a lethal amount of mischief as she grabs at his collar, leaning in close to whisper into his ear, "Why do you want to get out of here? We can do whatever you need, for however long you need, right here."

Even shitfaced, Shawn knows he's breaking every fucking rule in the How To Act Around An Ex 101 rulebook if he follows through with what she's suggesting. Normal exes don't even invite each other to their houses, let alone fuck someone else while they're out. That doesn't stop him though, because seconds later the pair are excusing themselves and stumbling blindly into a bedroom, her lips attached to his and his fingers digging into her sides.

He smells you the moment his back hits the bed, your citrus scent all he can remember from the time you two spent together. However, before he can mull on the fact that This might not be the guest bedroom, her fingers are tangling into his curls and body pressing against his front. The moan that tumbles out of his lips when she sucks at his neck is almost pornographic, appalled at how quick she found his spot.

Not as quick as you had, however — because the first time Shawn and you had gone to town was a day that he would never forget. You had him reeling and begging under you with just your fingers and mouth, placing your fingers against his chest to push him back down every time he got a little too excited. He had never been happier to lose control than in that moment.

Fuck, he thinks as his date's hand palms at his crotch, I really shouldn't be thinking about my ex right now.

Right now? His mind answers almost instantly, Pretty hard when you're literally always thinking about her, right?

He's so lost in his thoughts and her touch that he doesn't hear the door to the bedroom opening, or even notice the light that streams into the room from the corridor outside. However, when a voice exclaims, "Jesus fuck, Shawn!"

His eyes take a moment to adjust to the dim lighting of the room as he tries to figure out who it was that shouted at him, and he breathes a sigh of relief when he sees that it's just Geoff. Not you. Thank fucking God for that. He rubs lazily at his face, turning away from the door, but Geoff isn't having any of it. Asking his date to please leave, he slams the door shut behind her, storming over to Shawn.

"What the fuck, dude?!"

"What?" Comes Shawn's annoyed mumble, "Jealous you aren't getting any?"

"How much have you had to drink?" He grabs Shawn's chin, inspecting his eyes to see just how red they are for him to pull some dumb shit like this. When he sees that he's not even close to being as drunk as Geoff first assumed him to be, he steps away. Scoffing in disgust, he continues, "You were going to have sex on your ex's bed? What is wrong with you?"

"I thought it was the guest bedroom."

"No the fuck you didn't, Shawn," He's pushing a hand through his hair, fingers clenching around his cup in anger, "You're still not satisfied with what you did? Wanna break her heart even further?"

"What the fuck are you talking about? It was a mutual breakup."

"Was it, though? Or were you just as self-centred then and didn't give a single shit about what she did or did not say?"

"Shut the fuck up, Geoff," Shawn gets up, pushing his friend away, but Geoff's fingers are curling around his arm before he can storm off.

"No, you listen to me. I've had enough of your bullshit. You're my brother, man, but she's more than a sister to me. It hurts me to see her hurting, and if you can't behave around her, just stop showing up. She's been through enough already. Can you imagine her reaction if she was the one who had walked in on you? It would've killed her, Shawn."

"I don't— what are you talking about? We're over. We've both moved on."

Geoff's scoff is painfully mocking, and Shawn is narrowing his eyes in anger, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Move on? It's almost sad how hung up on each other you guys are. You can't stop writing songs about her, and she can't stop—" Geoff trails off, catching himself before he can let anything spill. You would absolutely annihilate him, and that's not something he wants.

"What?" Shawn spits, "She can't what?"

"It doesn't matter," He mutters through grit teeth, "If you can man the fuck up and apologise for all the shit you've pulled on her, great. If you can't and want to continue being an ass so you can cash in your cheques, fucking fine by me. Just stop coming over when she's around. I didn't take taekwondo for nothing."

"You're not seriously threatening me."

"Try me."

"Fuck you, Geoff. You don't know jackshit about what happened between us."

"Yeah? Let me summarise, then. You got over her, you dumped her. Don't you dare make it sound any deeper than that," Shawn opens his mouth to protest, but Geoff isn't done yet, "And then you proceeded to make an entire album about your love, something so volatile and so private, and released it without her consent. She could've sued you for defamation, but she didn't. Do you know why?"

Shawn shakes his head, bottom lip latched between his teeth. There's so many thoughts running through his head that he doesn't even have the energy or the mental faculties to give his friend any attitude anymore. After the breakup, the both of you had managed to convince your friends that it was long coming, mutual, and amicable. Shawn had wanted it to be that way because he didn't want to be painted as a douche for springing something so sudden on you, and you had gone along with it because...well, he had no idea why. Maybe he should've asked.

"Because she's still in love with you, you fucking jerk. And it isn't my place to tell you this, but if it keeps you away from her, then so be it.You got over her, Shawn, but you didn't give her any time to ease out of it. You kept showing up with new girls every time, kept releasing these...these PG-13 sex tapes. The album was probably the final blow. With everything you did, her condition worsened, and we all saw it. We thought you did too, dude, because it was so painfully obvious."

There's a sour taste in Shawn's mouth, like the acidic tinge that puking leaves in your mouth. He's pretty sure he's completely sober now, but his mind keeps spinning, to the point where he has to sit down to steady himself.

"What have I done, Geoff?"

"I put up with this for as long as I possibly could, but it's not funny anymore. If not for her, please— for me, stop what you're doing. No amount of fame and money is worth the pain you put her through."

"Jesus fuckin' Christ," Shawn rubs at his face, trying to slap some reality back into him. He didn't break up with you because he got over you. He broke up with you because he was sure he never would. It took him a while to realise how toxic your relationship was getting for him, with no fault of your own. He had fallen and sunken so deep that if you had asked him to throw himself in front of a moving car, he would've done it, no questions asked. To the point where he was so dependant on you that it physically hurt him to leave you. Where he was so used to you helping him through his attacks that one without you make him felt like he was going to die.

His mom had called him stupid, told him that he had let the best thing in his life go because he couldn't commit. But Shawn knew love, and love wasn't supposed to be so scary. He cried because that was the most difficult thing he had done in his life, to date. Not even releasing a completely different genre of album, not knowing if anyone would enjoy listening to something so raw, had made him shiver so bad.

The last thing he wanted was to hurt you. He cared about nothing more than you. The album was a desperate cry for help, him putting out into the world just how much he needed you, as a friend or otherwise. Instead of forgiving him, you chose to distance yourself from him. In hurting you, he had completely broken himself. That's what they say, isn't it; play with fire, and you're bound to get burnt.

"Just— take it easy, man," Geoff claps a hand down on Shawn's shoulder, "The situation sucks over all, don't make it harder than it has to be. Also," He opens Shawn's palm, dropping your lost earring into his hand, "Put this back, 'kay? I don't know where it goes. l'll meet you outside."

Shawn nods solemnly, waiting until he hears Geoff's footsteps fade and the door click shut after him. Forcing himself to breathe, Shawn manoeuvres around your room, suddenly overwhelmed with the memories that surrounded his time there. The self-care nights, the pillow fights, the cuddling. The I love yous. He gulps, trying to see as little as possible of his favourite place in the world, pulling open a drawer in your vanity. Carefully dropping the earring on a glass tray, he moves it around a bit to make it easier for you to find it if you were looking for it.

Just as he's about to close the drawer, something catches his eye, causing him to pull the drawer open a little farther to inspect. Nestled behind one of your divider trays is a simple, tiny, royal blue suede box. Shawn's eyebrows furrow — He had never seen that before, had he? It could only hold a ring, he was a pretty sure, and he finds himself reaching towards the box before his conscience can stop him. He turns the small cuboid in his fingers, illuminated by the soft light mounted atop your vanity. Dried water drops stain the otherwise smooth surface, and his lips part in realisation not long after. That's not water, is it?

Deciding not to mull too long, he flicks the box open. Immediately, he desperately wishes he hadn't, because he feels his breath catch in his throat. Sitting inside the box is the most beautiful ring he's probably ever seen, silver and glinting in pride. As he brings it up to his face to inspect it better, he notices the strinking resemblance it has to his own ring, the one he had bought in Tokyo and never taken off after. There's two feathers interlinked together, just like on his ring, but there's a third, more intricate one binding the other two together in a perfect knot. He doesn't know what to make of it, doesn't know why he found it in your drawer, so he stands there. Twisting the ring in his finger, trying to convince himself that it has nothing to do with him.

And then the light catches the inscription on the inside of the band, and Shawn steps closer to the table to see better, eyes narrowed and nose scrunched in concentration.

120915 to forever, I'll love you.

12th September 2015 — Shawn doesn't even need to rack his brain to remember that that was the day you had first told him that you loved him. You were both strolling through the park, laughing about the fact that were people in the world who bit their ice creams, when you had stopped him midstep. Leaned in, kissed his nose, and told him that you loved him. The blush that coloured the both of your faces after was the most fiery shade of red that Shawn had seen. 120915; the last track on his album.

Shawn's mind is immediately thrown into a frenzy. He would be an idiot if he tries to deny the fact that the ring in his hand is most certainly an engagement band, because it looks too expensive to be a promise ring and the two of you had already exchanged your promise rings a year back. But when, how, and why? Why is there an engagement ring so obviously designed for Shawn just sitting in your drawer? Why are there tear stains on the box? Why does the forever looked like it had been scratched at?

Slamming the drawer shut, he all but stumbles out of the bedroom, making a beeline towards your kitchen. If his date sees him or any of your friends notice his panicked state, they choose not to comment on it, distancing themselves from the distressed boy. Slowly but surely, each of them trickle out as Shawn digs through your kitchen cabinet, looking for a file he knows would answer all his questions. When Geoff is the only one left, he contemplates staying. He owes you that much — not leaving you alone with an ex that you're still head over heels for, but he decides against it. You deserve the closure. The both of you deserve and need the closure, and if it means leaving you to deal with your vices, then he is ready to make the sacrifice.

Shawn doesn't notice a single thing around him, all his attention focused on the binders sprawled across him on the island. Carefully thumbing through the files, he ticks off the months in his head — July, August, September, October, November. Immediately flipping to the month of November, he pulls out all the receipts you had so carefully filed and spreads them in front of him. Wild eyes flying across the documents in hopes of finding what he's looking for.

And not long after, he does. A tiny, barely noticeable piece of paper, labelled Bijoux, avec Amour — Jewellery, with Love — printed on the top in cursive. He swears his heart plummets to the very core of the earth when he sees the date on the bill: 7th November 2018.

Not even two weeks before he left you.

His mouth dries out, and he has trouble inhaling. Falling to his knees, Shawn stares between the box and the receipt, feeling his body shake with sudden, overwhelming fatigue. His head feels heavy, like it's been bashed against a stone and left wide open, waiting to be stitched up. His breaths are coming out exaggerated, wild, making it seem like he's just run a marathon. He has, though, hasn't he? He's raced against time. Against your love for him. And Jesus Christ has he lost.

It doesn't take a genius to join the dots with all the hints laid out right in front of him — literally. You were going to ask him to marry you, and he had taken that hope, balled it up, and spat it back into your face. Maybe he should've had another track on his album, a track about how much of an idiot he had been. He would've titled it I'm Worse Than a Fucking Munchurian Ball.

You expect chaos when you return, because really, what good can a bunch of drunk adults get up to? And chaos you get, but definitely not the kind you had anticipated. At first you're confused to see your house empty, no signs of life anywhere. You weren't gone for that long, were you? And then your attention pans to the kitchen, and suddenly you're living that day again. Shawn staring back at you, teary eyed, hands in fists, and you helplessy trying to maintain his gaze.

You immediately start assumed the worse. He's hurt, he had an anxiety attack, his date did something. When you rush towards him, however, dropping the bags in your hands and falling to your knees, you see what you had never, ever wanted to see. His ring — in his hand. He's holding it up to you, so close to your face that you have to lean back to get a better look. Your hands are balling into fists at your sides, stomach twisting into knots. When your gaze falls to the bills strewn on the counter, you know you're done for. Shawn knows. He knows everything.

Fuck.

"Shawn," You try to keep your voice as level as possible, but it inevitably starts breaking, "Where did you find that?"

"You wanted to marry me," Shawn's voice is monotonous, his eyes glazed over. He can barely meet your eyes, gaze focused behind you instead, "You wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. And I.... I fucking dumped you."

You have seen Shawn cry before. Seen him breakdown before. Never, ever had he sounded as defeated as he does right now, like the very life had been sucked out of him, like it was paining him to utter mere words.

Exactly how you had felt all this while.

"Shawn..."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"This," he wags the ring in your face, sniffling loudly, "Was this with you when I broke up with you?"

You nod, feeling your heart pull at the sight of him so... so distressed, so lost. You can feel tears of your own starting to form, but you try pushing them back. This time, however, it doesn't work. They start flowing down your face like fireworks on the 4th of July; loud, uninterrupted, and seemingly with no end. You fall limply against the counter, feeling Shawn watch your every move. Wiping beneath your nose with the back of your hand, you manage to choke out, "Yes.. and—and I was so fucking sure you were going to say yes when I asked you. And then you—"

You can't find it in yourself to continue, and Shawn's hands go into his hair, tugging at the roots in utter frustration and helplessness. He had claimed that the both of you had moved on not even an hour ago, and now he can't even find it in himself to laugh at the irony of the situation. Two adults, crying on a kitchen floor. What a fucking joke.

"You should've told me," Shawn mutters through tears, rocking back and forth, "God, if only you had told me— it would've changed everything."

It's your turn to be angry now, and your body shivers as you spit, "Told you so you could laugh at me? Tell your friends about the girl who proposed to you as you were breaking up with her?"

"No! No, you don't get it, do you? I would've said yes. I would've called a priest and married you then and fucking then."

"No," you mutter, shaking your head. Louder, you repeat, "No, you don't get to do this. You don't get to feed me these lies and these Would Haves and What Ifs!" Pushing against his chest, you sob harder, "You didn't get to leave me! But you did. You left me when I was so in love with you that I could see nothing else. Fuck you, Shawn. Fuck you for leaving me."

"Slap me."

"Shut up."

He grabs your hand, placing it against his wet cheek, all but begging you, "Please, slap me. Punch me. I fucking deserve it."

You pull your hand away, cradling it to your chest, as if his touch burns you, "I don't want to fucking slap you! It won't fix anything."

"What— what will fix everything?" Shawn's hiccuping now, eyes red from his tears, "What can I do to go back? What will it take for you to forgive me?"

"I don't know, Shawn," You reply between fits, shaking your head, "I don't know if you can fix this."

"I'll do anything," Shawn whispers, "I'll do anything to be able to love you again. I'll marry you, for fuck's sake. I'm not the same without you," He lets out a chuckle, shaking his head, "I won't ever be the same. You're like... this part of me that I won't ever get back. Life's been a living hell without you. Don't you feel it too?"

You can feel your determination frailing, weakening, but you're not giving into him again. You're never giving into the pain that is Shawn ever again, so you wipe your tears away, putting your brave face on, "I don't. I really don't. I agreed with you on something I shouldn't have once already, Shawn. I'm not doing it ever again. As a wise man once told me, I don't deserve that. If a constant rotation of girls and a rocket to fame are a living hell for you," You inhale audibly, convincing yourself that this is where it ends. There's no going back from here. "Then I wish you the best of luck. But you can't fix this. Not now, not ever."

"But—," He's pushing himself up, making his way towards you, and you cower away. Something breaks inside the both of you, something so delicate that it can't ever be put back. Not by each other, and certainly not by someone else. Shawn's head drops, and you can almost feel the words emanating off his self before he even speaks, each word laced with pleading, "I love you. Please."

Your tears haven't stopped still, and they probably never will, but you can't let yourself go through the same thing again. No matter how much you love him, no matter how hard he tries to convince you that he loves you too, you know for a fact that the gaps between the two of you couldn't be a bridged by a couple of sorrys and a kiss. It would require something much more sacrificial, like jumping headfirst into the emptiness and hoping, praying that you could steady yourself along the way. You would rather head towards uncertainty than doomed failure.

"I'm sorry, Shawn. You should've thought about that before striking the match."

TAGLIST: @babywhenithinkaboutyou @catalinamgarcia @shawnm521 @holybrandt @fuckneymar @brenda-sucks @livelifesosily @yourwonderbelle @astromendes @ashwarren32 @grunge-pun-kat @truly-l @sunflowerinthefield

[writingwithadinosaur]

“Thunderstruck” - Oneshot

“Thunderstruck” - Oneshot

My Masterlist - Here

My Tag List - Here

Tony Stark x Reader (Platonic)

Word Count: 1,419

Key: Y/N = Your Name, H/C = Your Hair Color, E/C = Your Eye Color

Warnings: Cursing, I think that’s all. Let me know if I missed anything!

Summary: You were recently taken in by the Avengers thanks to your ability to control electricity. But you weren’t able to spark friendly conversations with many people right off the bat.

Author’s Note: This was a random idea I had when I was out of town a few weeks ago, and I’m just now getting around to writing it! It was originally inspired by “Sweet Child of Mine” and then “Thunderstruck” came on when I was writing and it made me happy. Hope you enjoy it! <3

As always, huge shoutout to @witchymarvelspacecase for making my crazy ramblings more comprehensible and being a real person with me. <3 

If you would like to be tagged in any of my future pieces, check out my tag list above and let me know! And as always, feedback is greatly appreciated!

<3

- DreaSaurusREX

A block-wide blackout in the middle of autumn. You at the center of it

You were finally making progress You were brilliant, eased through school. You had plans for more doctorates and making advancements in technology or science or something. And you were on your way. You were currently working on an idea that, if it worked, could replace the need for multiple vaccines, and condense them all one simple, yearly vaccine.

But one small detail overlooked, and your lab partner being the clumsiest person to ever exist had ended with you being exposed to the chemical compound that you were testing.

Thankfully, there was an emergency disinfection chamber nearby that you were able to get to.

“Let just call it a night. We’ll start over tomorrow.”

“I really am sorry, (Y/N).”

“I know. Just… Come back tomorrow, prepared for a long day of focus, alright?”

She just nodded as you grabbed your bag and walked out of the lab, soaking wet, into the rain. You knew you should have brought a change of clothes like you usually did. But you were running late and ignored your routine. At this point, you just wanted to get home.

You were only a few streets away from your place. You vividly remember passing Mr. Polwiski’s Deli, then darkness.

The next thing you knew, you were on a stretcher in the back of an ambulance, pain scorching through your entire body. You could faintly hear the paramedic asking you if you knew what happened, or who you were, but you were too busy trying to focus your semi-blurry vision on your body. Your clothes were burned and torn in various places, you saw burn marks through the holes in your clothes, and you felt like you had been stung by a million bees.

Your already labored breathing became panicked when the gravity of the situation hit you, causing your brain to go into a frenzy. The internal pain kept growing, a strangled scream burst from your strained lungs.

“Ma’am! I need you to breathe! I know it's difficult, but you need to try to calm down!” The young paramedic tried to help, but it just made you more unsettled. It felt like fire was coursing through your muscles, unintentionally tensing them up. Your sobbing turned into screaming as blue sparks flew out of your hands, bouncing off the surfaces of various pieces of medical equipment, but avoiding the medical personnel on board.

The next thing you new, you felt the prick of a needle and the sweet embrace of sleep.

After that, your life was forever changed. The chemical compound that you were working on had absorbed through your skin and mutated your cells. It enhanced your body’s natural healing process by 65% as well as “blessed” you with the ability to manufacture and control electric currents. This quickly got the attention of a certain group of super people, and now you were attempting to not only adjust to your new living situation at the Avengers compound, but also your new life as a walking storm.

Being the new kid on the block was never easy. Now take that and add in Captain America, Iron Man, and all of the other Avengers, and you got a whole new kind of “not easy.” You couldn’t find it in yourself to talk to most of them. While they had shown you nothing but kindness and acceptance, you were still nervous about everything. The only one that had been able to get through to you was Bucky. He knew what it was like to be in your position, so he was the first one to really approach you as you were moving in.

The two of you would frequently be sitting together in your room, doing your own work, working on focus and control, or just watching movies. Bucky would sometimes make you move to other rooms so you got more acquainted with the facility and being around the others.

Today was one of those days.

You were working out an idea that you had stuck in your brain while Bucky was watching a movie that you had recommended him. He was just about to get to a good part of the movie when you heard the audio cut off.

“C’mon, (Y/N/N).”

“Where are we going?”

“I need food and you need a change of scenery.”

You learned that arguing with Bucky was useless. He would just throw you over his shoulder and make you move. So you just grabbed your stuff and followed him out of the room. You ended up in the kitchen, sitting at the table while Bucky fixed you both some lunch. He had just sat down to eat, when his phone went off.

“Ugh. Steve needs me to help him with a gameplan. I’ll catch you later, okay?”

“Alright. I think I’m gonna stay here. I have my stuff set up already.”

“Sounds good. You better actually eat.”

“I will. Go find your boyfriend.” You teased. Bucky threw you a look over his shoulder before disappearing.

You quickly realized how quiet it was since everyone was busy doing their work, or on a mission. Reaching for your phone, you hit the music app, and selected the playlist of songs that had been stuck in your head recently.

The sound of the guitar quickly took your mind off of everything expect the project you had been working on: a set of wrist braces that would help control the electrical impulses that your “gift” sent through your body. You had a decent handle on it, but these would act as a security blanket.

You got back to sketching out the details, and brainstorming what materials you could use. “Sweet Child of Mine” helping you ease your mind.

“Oh, oh, oh

Sweet child o' mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies

As if they thought of rain

I hate to look into those eyes

And see an ounce of pain

Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place

Where as a child I'd hide

And pray for the thunder

And the rain

To quietly pass me by”

Two things slipped your notice during the verse of the song: You had quietly started to sing along, and Tony had walked in to get his umpteenth cup of coffee. The only reason you realized he was there at all was when he interrupted your train of thought, causing your pencil to scrape across the bottom of your workbook.

“How do you even know that song?” It took a second for you to respond, you weren’t really ready for interaction with anyone else tonight.

“Um… I grew up on this type of music. My sister was into it and forced me to listen.”

“Your sister sounds like someone I could get along with very--”

“She’s dead.”

“Oh… I’m sorry. I didn’t--”

“It’s fine.” You swallowed the lump in your throat and tried to refocus on your schematics. You heard Tony walk towards the table and lean over your shoulder. He picked up one of the various sheets of paper you had spread out.

“What’s this all about?” He seemed genuinely curious, which shocked you.

“Well… It’s an idea I had this morning. Thanks to me being a glorified lightning rod, I was trying to think of a way to protect myself, and others, from any outbursts.”

Tony scanned over the different styles and asked you to explain each one, wanting to hear your reasoning for keeping one element or changing something. You were nervous at first, but when he sat down next to you, and showed how invested he was in your thought process, you found it easier talking to him. After you explained the blueprint you were currently working on, Tony went silent, which made you uneasy.

“So.. Uh… Wha-what do you think, Mr.Stark?”

“First off, it’s Tony.” He flipped through the various papers until he found the one he was looking for. “Second, I think if you combine these two, you got a chance.”

“I’m- I don’t understand?”

“Keep drawing out ideas. I’m sure that brain of yours will come up with a few ways.” He patted your back before grabbing his coffee, leaving you feeling a bit overwhelmed. Before he could get far, Tony popped his head back in the kitchen.

“Come to the lab tomorrow at some point. Let’s see if we can get that doodle to dance.”

Tags - @melconnor2007 @ashenfallsof @geeksareunique @all-by-myself98 @goodnightwife @witchymarvelspacecase @theeactress @sebby-staan @feelmyroarrrr @tomorraw @marvelous-imagining @white-chocolate-mocha-fan @badassbaker @httpmcrvel @reading-in-moonlight @to-the-road 

[aaronmaurer]

Movies I Liked in 2020

Every year I reflect on the pop culture I enjoyed and put it in some sort of order.

Discussing film in 2020 is almost nonsensical. Theatres were shut down in most places for most of the year, shuffling release schedules and availability of titles in various markets, further fracturing an already-fragmented landscape. I personally love the movie-going experience – the darkened atmosphere, the massive screen, the ability to escape the outside world for a couple hours in the company of a room of strangers. Man, do I miss all of that. Yet I am exceedingly grateful to the creators and media conglomerates that decided to release some of their projects to streaming services and “virtual cinemas” during this unprecedented year. (Despite Wonder Woman 1984’s flaws, wow, was it nice to have a new action blockbuster to watch over the holidays.)

I toyed with breaking out stage/theatre projects separately, but at the end of the day, had those played on the big screen they would have still been considered, so I decided to keep everything together. This year more than ever I make no claims to comprehensiveness, and it seems even more futile than usual to rank these films, so here are 15 of my favorite films of 2020 listed in alphabetical order. How I wish I could have experienced these all on the big screen.

American Utopia (available on HBO)

Spike Lee’s film of the Broadway engagement of David Byrne’s American Utopia is right up there with Jonathan Demme’s Stop Making Sense, the gold standard of concert films (and I’m not even much of a Talking Heads/Byrne fan!). The brilliance of this tour-turned-Broadway show is the elimination of any stationary equipment – Byrne and his band, utilizing mobile instruments, perform choreographed movement to the songs (a mix of Byrne solo material and Talking Heads classics) on an otherwise bare stage. The arrangements of the songs themselves are warm and life-affirming, something we all needed more of in 2020.

An American Pickle (available on HBOMax)

This quirky comedy from writer Simon Rich stars Seth Rogan in dual roles as an immigrant in the early 1900s transplanted to modern day New York and his last remaining descendant. I wasn’t expecting much from the premise but found it to be a surprisingly resonant story about family and legacy with salient observations about modern conveniences and appreciating small pleasures. Rogan himself is really great in this, creating two very distinct and believable characters that in an alternate reality might be up for awards consideration.

Black Is King (available on Disney+)

Beyonce’s latest visual album has its origins in her Lion King role, but the material transcends that misbegotten remake (despite the occasional out-of-place audio clips sprinkled throughout). The visuals here are stunning, from the costumes and makeup to the set design and choreography, all in celebration of Black excellence and beauty.

Emma. (available on HBO, VOD and Blu-ray)

One of the last films I saw in theatres this spring was the latest treatment of Jane Austen’s Emma from director Autumn de Wilde. Similar to Little Women last year, I had no prior experience with the source material, never having read the novel or seen any prior adaptations (outside of Clueless, if you count that), but I found it absolutely delightful. The cast is terrific, including Anya Taylor-Joy in a role completely different than her other big turn this year in The Queen’s Gambit, and the production design & direction are impeccably sumptuous, creating the type of escapism that came to mean all-the-more as the year wore on.

First Cow (available on Showtime, VOD and Blu-ray)

Kelly Reichardt’s latest film is a moving meditation on unexpected friendship, ideas of masculinity and economic inequality set against the backdrop of 1800s Oregon Country. Poetic but not ponderous, First Cow is one of the most humane and empathetic portraits of man and nature I experienced in 2020.

Hamilton (available on Disney+)

Already a big of Lin Manual-Miranda’s race-bent musical about founding father Alexander Hamilton, I was still awed by this document of the original Broadway production. Director Tommy Kail adeptly films his own stage direction while capturing intimate moments through closeups and vantages that are unavailable to the live audience. And while I personally may have preferred Lin to sing more than sob through some of his Act II songs, the whole cast is phenomenal, especially Leslie Odom Jr, Renée Elise Goldsberry and MVP Daveed Diggs whose energy and charisma are palpable in his dual role as Lafayette/Jefferson.

Just Mercy (available on HBO, VOD and Blu-ray)

Although technically a 2019 film, Just Mercy didn’t receive wide release until 2020 so I’m including it here. The adaptation of lawyer Bryan Stevenson’s memoir about his fight for death row inmates is a powerful story of the ongoing fight for justice and rarely falls into “based on a true story”/biopic clichés. Michael Jordan brings dignity and righteousness to the role of Stephenson and Jamie Foxx is excellent as the wrongfully incarcerated Walter McMillian.

Kajillionaire (available on VOD)

The story of an insular family of grifters, Kajillionaire explores what it’s like to exist in a bubble and reconcile that with a growing understanding of the wider world. Evan Rachel Wood engenders immense empathy with her portrayal of the family’s daughter who has been raised without any real physical affection or affirmation and Gina Rodriguez exudes light and charisma as a woman who comes into their orbit and changes everything.

Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (available on Netflix)

Adapted from August Wilson’s play of the same name, this film contains a powerhouse performance from Viola Davis as the titular blues singer but belongs to the magnetic Chadwick Boseman in his final role. As Levee, a brash young songwriter and musician, Boseman fully realizes a portrait of a talented and demeaned Black man in America, trapped by circumstance and his own feelings of helplessness. It’s beautiful and gut-wrenching to behold, and makes his passing all the more tragic as we can only imagine the great performances that we’ll never get to see.

Mank (available on Netflix)

Mank, a biopic about Golden Age Hollywood screenwriter Herman Mankiewicz, may be director David Fincher’s most conventional film yet, however that takes nothing away from the charm of its engaging storytelling and performances. As “Mank” works – or rather drunkenly procrastinates – on the screenplay for Citizen Kane, we get flashbacks of his relationships with William Randolph Hearst and Marion Davies, which will provide the basis for his script’s thinly veiled characters.

Small Axe (available on Amazon Prime)

A series of five separate films from director Steve McQueen, the Small Axe series is linked by its exploration of the West Indian community in London. Exploring topics including the justice system, educational disparity and the unifying & life-affirming power of music, these films are each powerful and moving on their own but add up to a rich and beautiful tapestry of the complexities of immigrant life.

Soul (available on Disney+)

Soul is in many ways a spiritual successor (pun intended) to Inside Out, my all-time favorite Pixar film, envisioning life after death (or is that life before life?) as a strange and delightfully stylized realm where new souls prepare to be born. The audience surrogate to this world is a frustrated jazz musician who finds himself incapacitated the day of his big break. The stunningly rendered film is another example of the studio – and co-director Pete Docter – at its heart-rending best with lovely observations about passion, mentorship and being present to life’s small pleasures.

The Vast of Night (available on Amazon Prime)

An indie sci-fi flick set in 1950s New Mexico from first-time director Andrew Patterson, The Vast of Night pays homage to the likes of The Twilight Zone better than the current reboot of that show does. This surprisingly compelling movie creates a tangible sense of time and place and utilizes innovative shots and blocking to deliver something unique and artful, while still delivering on its genre promises.

What the Constitution Means to Me (available on Amazon Prime)

The final live communal event I attended before everything locked down last spring was the touring production of this Heidi Schreck play, and boy, was it a moving way to say a temporary goodbye to live theatre (even if I didn’t quite know it at the time). Later in the year, Amazon gifted us with a record of Schreck’s Broadway run, which loses nothing of its impact or immediacy. Using her personal history of debate contests at American Legion Halls as an entry point, Schreck explores how the Constitution has been used (and not used) to impact the rights of women (and other marginalized groups) throughout America’s history. Brilliant, heart-breaking and inspiring art.

Wolfwalkers (available on AppleTV+)

The latest wonder from director Tomm Moore (The Secret of Kells, Song of the Sea) completes his trilogy of films inspired by Irish mythology. The topics this time are the Wolfwalkers, an Irish variation of the Werewolf legend, and the clash of urbanization with the natural world. Vividly rendered in gorgeous traditional animation, this is one of the most visually splendid things I saw all year.

Bonus! Honorable Mentions:

Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga (Netflix)

Feels Good Man (VOD)

Palm Springs (hulu)

Sound of Metal (Amazon Prime)

Tenet (VOD, Blu-ray)

[chocobabyporcelain]

Something very scary happened to me and my close friend and I started thinking "what if this happened to the chocobros?" How do you think the bros would react to their S/O or friend being rohypnoled and the guy who spiked her drink confronting them as they're trying to get her home safely? (Please just say if you're uncomfortable with this, I get that it's a touchy subject)

I’m so sorry this has taken me so long, it was sitting in my inbox for a couple of days while I tried to figure out exactly how comfortable I was with it. It toys with consent issues, but ultimately nothing comes of it, so I should be okay with it for the most part. And I’d rather fail than never try.

Then there’s the whole ‘figuring out how words work’ thing that came after. It ended up a little longer than I’d intended, but ultimately, I’m actually a little proud of it ;;;;;;;

I hope it’s cool that I did this en masse as a friend rather than their individual S/Os.

Quick note: Drinking age here in the UK is 18. I’m pretty sure it’s 21 elsewhere (I’m not 100%), but let’s just pretend that it’s also 18 in Lucis. Don’t drink underage, and never leave your drink unattended! On the other side of this, if you see someone put something in a drink, either tell the person who’s drink it is, or tell the bartender. NEVER let someone drink something potentially dangerous!

CW: Rohypnol, sexual assault mention, the “s” slur.

Tags: @neko-otaku13 @itsmootothecow @itshaejinju @mp938368 @ffxv-milkshake @bespectacled-girl @insomniacapples @expectogladiolus @bluechocobo @airlea-sicarius

It was a rare occasion that you got to go out for a drink with Noctisand the others. They were all always so busy, and you understood, ofcourse you did, but it was nice to hang out with them from time totime.

When you mentioned grabbing a few drinks, Ignis had made himself veryclear. He didn’t mind you drinking, you were an adult, after all,but he didn’t want you to get drunk. He still vividly rememberedthe last time they had to carry you home and it was not an experiencehe cared to repeat.

Still, you were able to get in a couple of shots and were currentlyon prosecco number three. Gladio kept giving you looks everytime you ordered, but whatever. You were a grown woman, you knew yourlimits and you had built quite the tolerance over the years.

You just made one very silly and very dangerous mistake.

When your song came on, you should have taken your glass over to thetable where Ignis was sat, sipping a J2O and keeping an eye onNoctis, Prompto and you. Instead, however, you simply left it at thebar and pulled Prompto onto the dancefloor.

The dangers of leaving your drink unattended were the last thing onyour mind as you surrendered yourself to the music, twisting yourhips and tossing your hair in a rhythm that was close enough to thebeat for you to look effortlessly graceful.

“Your song” ended up being three songs long, and by the end ofit, you and Prompto were hanging off each other, no longer caringabout the beat, just jumping and dancing in a way that felt good,singing along, although horrendously out of tune. But you were havingfun, so who cared?

When you finally ran out of energy, you made your way back to thebar, downed the rest of your now warm prosecco, and moved backtowards Ignis’s table, almost twisting your ankle in your kittenheels.

Your head swam. You weren’t sure it it was the flashing lights oryour body’s way of protesting all the jumping and spinning around,but you suddenly felt ill, unsteady, like the floor was moving outfrom under you.

Somehow you’d found Noctis along the way. You weren’t sure how,one moment you were about to land on your bottom, then next you wereleaning heavily against Noct’s side, his arm around your waist. Youassumed he saw you stumbling and quickly grabbed you, but your dizzymind wasn’t so sure.

Maybe you shouldn’t have drank that glass quite so quickly. Itseemed to go straight to your head.

As Noctis deposited you in the booth, you lay against Gladio’s arm,who had returned to the table to keep Ignis company, it appeared.Through your blurring vision, you saw Ignis pinch the bridge of hisnose with a sigh. “What did I say?” he muttered.

“I don’t think she’s drunk.” Noctis looked you up and downwith a worried frown. “She was fine until that last drink.”

“What did she drink?” Ignis sounded just as irate as before, ifjust a little concerned.

Noctis shrugged. “The rest of her wine, I think.”

“She left her wine at the bar?”

“And you let her drink it?”

You groaned as Gladio’s voice, along with the sudden movement ofhim sitting up a little straighter disturbed your rest. He put an armaround you, pulling you close as he gently stroked your upper arm, alittle protectively.

Noctis gestured to you with and indignant sound. “I didn’t get toher until she’d already drank it. What was I supposed to do?”

Ignis gave another frustrated sigh, shaking his head. “It can’tbe helped now. Where’s Prompto?”

“Still dancing.”

“Find him, please. We need to get Y/N home.”

You tried to shimmy out of the booth, clumsily tripping over your ownfeet in the process. “I’ll get him!” you chimed.

“No.” Gladio grabbed you and pulled you back, holding yousteadily in place, despite your insistent squirming. “You arestaying right here, where we can keep an eye on you.”

Through your blurring senses, you were able to see Noct disappearinto the crowd, in search of Prompto.

You could also just about hear Ignis complaining to Gladio in hushedtones. “We should have been watching her.” he muttered.

Gladio, who’d began gently petting your hair in an attempt tosoothe your writhing – he was actually surprised that it worked,honestly – sighed deeply. “She’s not a little kid, Iggy. Shecan take care of herself.”

“Oh, yes, that’s worked out so well for her tonight.”Ignis snapped.

“Ignis,” Gladio gave the other a pointed look. “There’s nosense freaking out about it now. You said so yourself, we just needto get her home, safe.”

You let out a small noise, somewhere between a groan and a sob as youtucked yourself further into Gladio’s embrace, peering around him.“Iggy,” you spoke weakly, with a practically inaudible sniff.“are you mad a me?”

Ignis met your tearful gaze, holding it solidly for a short whilebefore giving a defeated sigh. “Only because I’m worried.” Hemoved closer, reaching across Gladio to brush your hair from yourface. “You need to understand how dangerous what you did was,darling. Anything could have happened to you. You could ha—”

“Y/N, are you alright?!” Prompto suddenly slid into yourline of sight, cutting off Ignis’s lecture with his worried shout.He softly lay his hands on your cheeks and wiped away the tears thatwere gathering in your eyes. “Aww, sweetie.” He frowned, speakingin a gentle tone, barely loud enough to be heard over the music.“Don’t cry, it’s okay. We’ll take care of you.” hepromised, giving you a reassuring smile.

You nodded, tears still escaping from your eyes as you leanedforward, resting your head on Prompto’s shoulder.

“Prompto, you and Noct take Y/N back to the car,” Gladio instructed,shrugging off his jacket and placing it around you. The autumn airwas less than forgiving, and in classic Y/N fashion, you’d refusedto wear a jacket out. He gave you once last comforting pat betweenthe shoulder blades. “We’ll be out soon.”

With a nod and a salute, Prompto slid his arms underneath you andlifted you up, holding you securely, your arms around his neck.

You let yourself be carried out of the club, keeping your face hiddensafely in the crook of Prompto’s neck. You sobbed quietly toyourself, muttering incoherently. You reluctantly lessened your holdon the blond as you felt yourself being placed in the back seat ofthe Regalia.

You sat with your legs out of the open door, leaning heavily againstthe backrest. “I’m sorry.” you sobbed, scrubbing at our facewith the sleeve of Gladio’s jacket, probably smearing mascara overit. “I’m so stupid.” You turned your face into the seat,sniffing pathetically.

Crouching down in front of you, Prompto grabbed hold of your hands.“No, Y/N, you’re not stupid.” he insisted.

“You did a dumb thing,” Noctis said, running his fingers throughyour hair. “That’s doesn’t mean you’re stupid.”

Your sobs and hiccups slowly died down as your friends comfortedyou. The drug in your system was starting to make you drowsy, yourvision was blurring and all you wanted to do was fall asleep.

Prompto and Noctis seemed to encourage this. It was better you sleepit off, anyway.

“Hey, that’s my girl, y’know.”

Nobody recognised the gruff voice that addressed your two friends,and that put them both on edge. They both turned to see the speaker.

Before them stood a man dressed in faded jeans and a plain red buttondown. He smiled gesturing to you, insisting once again that you werehis girlfriend he’d lost on the dancefloor.

Noct was the one to speak up. “I don’t think so. She came herewith us, you must be mistaken.” he explained, leaving no room forargument, but still polite.

The guy clearly didn’t get the message. He sighed and ran a handthrough his short, sandy hair. “C’mon, guys, I’ve been watchingher all night.” he grunted. “I put work into this one, can’tyou find some other girl?”

Prompto visibly bristled, pushing himself to his feet. “Are youfucking for real?” he glowered. “That’s sickening, what thehell is wrong with you?!” He turned back to you, now dozingin the car, and tucked your legs in, closing the door.

“Oh, come on,” The guy clicked his tongue, moving forward. Hestopped short when Noctis put himself between the stranger and thecar. “She’s just some slut in a club, what do you care?” hestepped back, tucking his hands into his pockets.

“We care,” the unmistakable baritone of Gladio’s voice clearlystartled that stranger, who whipped around to the direction the voicecame from. “because that ‘slut’ happens to be a friendof ours. And even if she wasn’t, she is someone’s daughter, she’ssomeone’s whole world, and more than that, she’s a humanbeing.” Gladio knew he was an intimidating man, and he knew howto use it to his advantage. With every word, he stalked ever closerto the now panicking man, his voice alarmingly even. “Show somefucking respect.” He growled, grabbing the man by the collar of hisshirt.

“O-Okay, man, I get it.” The stranger struggled, notmeeting Gladio’s gaze.

It was that moment that Ignis chose to round the corner, tapping awayat his phone. “No matter.” he stated. “The authorities havebeen informed, and I believe the snippet of the conversation wemanaged to record will be enough evidence to warrant an arrest.”How Ignis managed to stay so eerily calm was a wonder to anyone, butit was handy in situations where it really mattered. Such as this.

The stranger fought harder to wrestle himself out of Gladio’sgrasp, face paling at the mention of the police. “Wha- No! I wasn’tgonna hurt her! C’mon, there’s no need for the cops, guys!” hepleaded.

Ignis ignored him, instead turning his attention to Noctis. “TakeY/N back to your apartment. We’ll be checking in.”

Noct simply nodded and climbed into the driver’s seat, Promptogetting into the back to keep an eye on you, cradling your head inhis lap.

You awoke late the next morning, mouth dry and head hazy. You slowlyblinked open your weary eyes, the world blurring and swaying in waysthat made you nauseous.

You quickly realised that you didn’t recognise your surroundings,which sent a chill of panic through your body.

Oh, Gods. What happened to you last night? You could barely remember.Had you left with someone? No, no. The guys would never allow it, ifyou really were drunk.

Pulling yourself up to lean against the headboard, you noticed youwere wearing an old graphic tee. The print was somewhat faded, andyou weren’t entirely sure you recognised it anyway. It certainlywas not yours.

Well, you were never gonna find anything out by laying in bed. Youslowly eased yourself over the edge of the bed, hissing as your feettouched the cold wooden floor.

It took you a little while, but as soon as you were confident youweren’t going to topple over, you took a tentative step forward. Thenanother. And when you were finally certain that you could walkwithout falling, you made your way out of the room.

In the adjoining room, sat your friends, all looking as if you’djust cut off a serious and private conversation. And you had neverbeen so happy to see them.

You sat yourself on the couch between Noctis and Prompto, the latterputting and arm around you as Ignis handed you a glass of water.

You listened as Gladio told you he noticed that guy from last nightstaring at you as you were chatting with them. Something didn’tfeel right about him, so he and Iggy hung back in hopes to catch him.

The man in question was arrested and had three previous charges forsexual assault, which made you feel sick.

You turned to Ignis, who’d been quiet this whole time. “Are yougonna lecture me?” you asked, picking lightly at the skin of yourarm.

“No.” he replied. He folded his arms, fixing you with a firmstare. “I’m going to hope last night was a lesson to you.Honestly, Y/N, you should have known better than to—”

“What happened to you not lecturing her?”

Ignis sighed. He shook his head and softened his gaze. “I’m gladyou’re alright.” he said.

You smiled. “Thank you.” You could feel your eyes filling withtears again. “Also, what am I wearing?”

“One of Noct’s old T-shirts.” Prompto replied.

You turned to Noctis, who cheeks were steadily gaining a reddishglow. “I… didn’t want to let you sleep in that dress.” hesaid, turning away. “So, I cha-changed you.” He looked back atyou, eyes wide when he realised the implications of what he’d justsaid. “I didn’t see anything, I swear!”

You giggled. “It’s okay, Noct.” you said, laying your head onhis shoulder. “I trust you.”

Noctis smiled at you, and hesitantly wrapped an arm around yourwaist.

“Y/N, I’m seriously glad you’re okay, but if you think you’regetting away with getting makeup over my jacket, you are sorelymistaken.”

…Oops.

[autodiscothings]

Q-q-q-questions

Tagged by @goodbibarbarella​!

Are you named after anyone? My parents differ with the etymology of my name. Mum says I was named after Sian Phillips, an actress. Dad says I was named after the Page 3 girl on the day I was born.

When was the last time you cried? Christ I was trying not to sob through an episode of Boku no Hero Academia because the soft boy DID HIS BEST and brood boy also DID HIS BEST. 

Do you like your handwriting? ahahah no. No one can understand it.

What’s your favorite lunchmeat? Sounds horrific, what

Do you have kids? Not even animals, sorry.

if you were a different person, would you be friends with you?  I dunno, sometimes when someone is TOO MUCH like you, they can become your nemesis. But frankly it would be nice to have someone to yell about my fan crap with, my tastes are niche.

Do you use sarcasm? Noooo. Never. That is neverrrrrr something I would do. I never touch the sass, nope.

Do you still have your tonsils? Yep. Missing wisdom teeth though.

Would you bungee jump? Maybe, depends on how much I trust the safety of the guys running it.

What’s your favorite cereal? Oatmeal. It is the food of colder months and delicious hugs in a bowl.

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?  Nopeeee.

Do you think you are a strong person? I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, a toddler can beat me up.

What’s your favorite ice cream? I am willing to try anything, no preference.

What’s the first thing you notice about other people? Hair, nails, shoes.

What’s your least favorite physical thing about yourself? Posture, chin.

What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? Black stonewashed jeans and no shoes, as who the fuck wears their shoes indoors take them off at the door you plebs

What are you listening to right now? the sound my partner’s squeaking chair and jiggling leg as he anxiously plays a game of Eternal.

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Some shade of green no one uses often

Favorite smell? My partner’s hair, fresh coffee, clean bedsheets after crawling into them after a shower.

Who was the last person you talked on the phone with? My mum, to check to see if she and dad were safe from the hurricane that wandered over the UK two days ago.

Favorite sport to watch? Eurovision counts, right?

Hair color? Brown.

Eye color?  Greenish grey.

Do you wear contacts? Yep. I have the ones you sleep in and take out once a month too, as I like waking up to clear vision.

Favorite food? Lots.

Scary movie or comedy? Comedy.

Last movie you watched? Blade Runner 2049

What color shirt are you wearing? A printed button up with Henri Rousseau’s La Charmeuse de serpents all over it. It’s meant for a male body, so it kind of looks like a dress on me.

Summer or winter? Neither, spring/autumn pls.

Hugs or kisses? Depends on my mood.

Book you’re currently reading? Death Sentence by Damien Boyd. 

Who do you miss right now? My parents in the UK.

What’s on your mouse pad? A black one that says Steelseries.

What’s the last tv program you watched? Rick and Morty pleasedon’tjusdeme

What’s the best sound? Whatever song makes me tingle at the time, I like music A LOT. 

Rolling Stones or the Beatles? Neither, sorry. 

What’s the furthest you’ve ever traveled? London, UK > Maui, Hawaii

Do you have a special talent? Fashion, sweetie.

Where were you born? The Shire. Hampshire, specifically.

too effin’ lazy to tag people, please do it if you waaaaannnttttttt.

[sugary-shot]

Beautiful Liar, a Kuroko no Basuke fanfiction

Summary: What happens when the person you cherish so much leaves you in the darkness? You’re falling down, no one to catch you down there and no one to hold your hand to prevent you from falling down the endless dark pit. You’re sinking in quick sand, drowning in the darkest place in the sea. And that’s what happened to Kuroko Tetsuya.He loved each and every one of the Generation of Miracles, and yet they treated him like garbage- playing him for their own sick amusement. After realising that he wasn’t meant to be by their side anymore, he broke. He turned, walked away;And committed suicide.The Generation of Miracles knew they were wrong. Heck, they wanted to rewind time and slap their past selves for being so inconsiderate for their beloved phantom’s feelings. But no one can rewind time, no matter how many times you beg; the clock won’t tick backwards.Five years later, their former manager drags all of them to a boy band concert. As the concert starts, they all see their precious former teammate on stage, singing. Kuroko Tetsuya was still alive, but what happens when he doesn’t remember any of them? 

Chapter 5: The Emperor’s Mistake

"Hey, don't go near that kid!"

"Why?"

"Don't you know? That kid; Kuroko Tetsuya, is just like a ghost! No one likes him. He's so weird!"

I was always alone. I didn't have any friends. Everyone distanced themselves away from me, saying that I was a ghost. Was I really that invisible? I'm human like them too..

So why?

Waking up from his slumber, he stared at the ceiling for two solid minutes before realising he was on his bed. After recollecting whatever memory he forgot, he almost immediately sat up; a loud groan escaped his lips as he did when a painful jolt went through his entire body. When did I.. He furrowed his brows, a hand making its way to rest on his forehead, rubbing it in a circular motion.

"Tsuya-chan!" Shiro's voice echoed in his ears, and the said teen visibly winced as his voice too loud. A pair of arms was suddenly wrapped around his neck; the youngest member in his group tightly embracing him. "Shiro..kun?" He called, narrowing his eyes at the silverette. "You-You're okay.." He hiccupped, his hug getting slightly tighter as he buried his face in his shoulder. "What do you mean I'm okay? What happened?" Everything felt so blurry to him- he didn't know, he couldn't remember. Shiro didn't answer and began to sob, apologising dozens of times when Kuroko didn't even know the reason why.

"Shiro," This time, it was Seiji. Tetsuya turned his head to the side and finally noticed that the whole group was in his room, all looking extremely worried. He frowned and looked at his twin who was still sitting on the couch with wide eyes. When he realised that the younger twin was looking at him, Takumi turned and looked away, his lips pressed in a thin line. Yuki, who noticed the two, decided to answer Tetsuya's unspoken question.

"You had another attack," the tealnette's eyes widened, "the doctor said that you shouldn't push yourself too hard. One more attack and you'll end up staying in the hospital again." He stressed the last word, his eyes narrowing at the teen. "You made us worried sick." Yuki walked towards him and placed his hand on the blue locks, ruffling them until it was a complete mess; not like it wasn't in the first place. "Don't scare us like that," he murmured, leaning down to place a kiss on his forehead; his way of telling it was going to be fine.

Kuroko exhaled deeply, closing his eyes as he took in the new information. "I'm so sorry," His words were barely a whisper, but it was loud enough for the four boys to hear as it resounded around the quiet room. Seiji got up and walked towards the bluenette, sitting on the bed and wrapping his arms around the other once Shiro let him go. "Don't worry about it," he reassured, "it's not your fault."

After getting a lecture from the two - three, if you include Haruko - mothers, and frequent visits to the doctor, Kuroko was - finally - able to go back to school. The male was now walking towards his middle school, a book in his hands. The book, in fact, contained the songs he planned to sing during his groups' debut concert. He was humming the melody softly, trying to remember the lyrics he had written himself.

" ♪ This person trapped forever seems to be more like me now ♪ " He sang in a soft voice, not noticing a certain redhead peeking at the book from his shoulder. "Kuroko, what's that?" He jumped and turned around, sighing when he noticed it was just his basketball captain. "Akashi-kun, that wasn't funny." He frowned, and the redhead let out a chuckle. "Sorry, sorry. But really, what was that?" He asked again, walking towards the shadow. He got a sigh as a response. "It was nothing." He replied,  hastily stuffing the book back in his bag.

"You have a beautiful voice, Kuroko. I wouldn't be surprised if you suddenly become a singer." A blush crept to his cheeks, and his heart was beating a little too fast; both from embarrassment and the thought of Akashi actually finding out he is going to become a singer. "Stop talking nonsense, Akashi-kun." Kuroko argued, turning his head away. Akashi went near him with a sly smirk and whispered in his ear suddenly, "But what if I'm not?"

The tealnette turned to him with a questioning look. "I mean, you always surprise me; ever since we met during that autumn day. You were the first person who managed to surprise me again and again, Kuroko." With his oh-so-prince-charming smile, Seijuurou gave his comment. The tealnette narrowed his eyes at the other, just what was Akashi planning? They rarely interact with each other outside of basketball, so why now? "We're going to be late for school. Shall we go now?"

With another suspicious glance to the redhead, Kuroko followed him from behind; the questions still lingering at the back of his head.

Since then, the two slowly became the best of friends and the troubles Kuroko had was long forgotten. Surprisingly, Akashi had brought up the phantom's (past) relationships with the other Miracles one day but told him that he'd help him get over them. "We don't share the same feelings, we're not the same person; so I don't know how you actually feel at this moment. Heartbroken? Outraged? Cheated on? Hurt?

I don't know. Telling you to forget about them is wrong; I don't know what you've been through, nor do I know what memories you had with them. But I promise that everything you went through has built the you now." The redhead placed his hand over the other, intertwining their fingers together. Kuroko was silent the whole time, though a blush crept to his cheeks when Akashi suddenly held his hand. He instinctively pulled his hand away, surprising the other. Akashi closed his eyes, and continued his pep talk.

"Do you know why I told you to not practice shooting or dribbling?" The soon-to-be-idol shook his head. "You're not a light, Kuroko; You're a shadow. When the light is stronger, the shadow grows darker. Without a light, a shadow cannot be produced. However, when there is no light at all, when there is only darkness; the Moon becomes the one that shines.

I understand that losing Aomine hurt you, but remember that even when you lose your light, it only means that you're one with the darkness. And when that happens, a true light will come up and become the light that guides you." Akashi ended his speech after that and looked at the shadow who was looking back at him with a questioning look. He raised a hand and placed it on his head, patting and smiling at the tealnette. "It's okay if you don't understand it now. You'll understand it sooner or later. Now, break time is about to end. Shall we go?"

Practice was finally over and Kuroko was dead tired. However, he couldn't go back to his house yet; he needed to go to the private school where the other band members were supposed to wait for him because of some "idol business", as per Haruko. It was already late in the evening and he had school tomorrow. He need to shower fast and get ready; Takumi had messaged him that Seiji was the one who'll fetch him and he didn't want the high school student to wait any longer.

"So you're with Akashi now, huh?" Aomine came up to him after practice suddenly, taking Kuroko completely off guard. "You really are something, Tetsu." The way his nickname rolled off the other's tongue made him cringe in disgust. Of all times, why now? "I can say the same to you, too. Taking someone else's boyfriend; and you said you wouldn't stoop down to Haizaki's level." The way Kuroko retorted back obviously hurt Aomine's pride, but he wasn't going to let this guy get away with it.

"What about you? After we broke up, you suddenly hooked up with Kise. What, did you miss having a dick inside you?" This time, Kuroko turned to look at him. Yes, he was a virgin and the two never had sex, but if he was going that way.. "Maybe I did. But if I were to compare, Kise-kun gives better kisses than you, and was a thousand time better than you ever could. You should learn from him, Aomine-kun." The latter narrowed his eyes at the shadow and growled at the insult. "Why the fuck would I need to learn from a bastard like him who hogs chicks all the time?" Did the two break up? Though in all honestly, Tetsuya didn't want to deal with him nor did he give two shits about their current relationship. Not now, not ever. "First of all, you suck. Second of all, don't insult him like that; at least he gets girls, not like you."

And the next thing he knew he was slammed against the wall, the other gripping his school uniform collar. "You got really annoying in just three months, huh?" Daiki's voice resounded around the quiet locker room, his eyes narrowing at the tealnette. "As if you're any better," the latter countered, slapping the hand away and walking towards the door. "Running away?" The power forward growled. "No," Tetsuya responded, "just distancing myself from a disgusting being as yourself."

Kuroko exited the locker room and made his way to the school's back entrance, spotting a limousine and Seiji waiting for him there. "Geez, can't you use something less flashy?" The tealnette complained at the elder, frowning as he got inside the vehicle. "Sorry, your brother was complaining about you staying here so late in the evening and asked me to fetch you. Didn't have any other car available." Kuroko sighed, shaking his head as he did. "Rich people," he muttered. "Like you're the one to talk." Seiji chuckled.

Once they reached to Seirin Private High, the two got out of the limousine and went inside. "So this is the private school Haruko-san was talking about?" Seiji crossed his arms, looking around the place. Indeed, there were some seniors who the two recognised as the children who previously studied in the same music agency as them. "It has four gyms, one swimming pool and two tennis courts for sports and exercise, two dance studios and four music rooms for each year, and two libraries. I'll say, Seirin Private High is quite the school when it just opened this year." Kuroko commented, taking out his phone that vibrated, indicating he just received a message. "Ah, Takumi and the others are with the headmaster in Music Room 3. They're having a recording."

"Right now? The headmaster sure wants to know how talented his students are." Seiji shrugged. "Well, let's go then. On the way, you can tell me this friend of yours. Akashi Seijuurou, the heir to the Akashi Conglomerate, right?" Of course, Kuroko was surprised to hear it from Seiji; no one in the group - excluding Takumi - knows that he and Akashi were friends. "As usual, your mom instincts are terrifying."

When they reached the Music Room, Takumi was currently singing and was too into it that he didn't even realise the two had just entered the room. The music room was divided into two by a glass wall; one side for recording while the other side was for the technical things Kuroko didn't really know much about. "Ah, Sei-nii and Tsuya-chan, you're here." Shiro called them over to sit beside him. "Only Yukki and Taku-chan finished the recording. I'm up next, then you two can choose who goes first." The two teens nodded at the youngest words, and Kuroko asked where was Yuki. "Yukki went to the restroom after he finished."

At that time, Takumi finished and the headmaster clapped his hands, nodding. "Great, as expected from the leader. Which position are you in again?" Takumi gracefully accepted the bottle of water he was offered to and drank the water before replying, "I'm the rapper." The headmaster - whose name was Shin - nodded.

"Well, it's my turn." Shiro stood up and went to the other side of the room, while Takumi took his place and sat beside Tetsuya. "You okay?" Takumi slumped back and rested his head on his twin's shoulder. "I'm tired, Tetsuya. Our good-for-nothing father just sent me another pile of work and I need to finish it by the day after tomorrow. And on Saturday, I need to be his proxy for an event right after our dance lessons. I'm gonna die, Tetsuya."

"You're exaggerating, Takumi." He sighed, "He told me to follow you, and when you go to that event on Saturday, I have to be his proxy for a meeting." Takumi's eyes widened and he sat up, looking into his brother's eyes. "What?" Tetsuya was caught completely off guard; Takumi looked furious. "Didn't I tell him to back the fuck up?"

"Calm down, Takumi." Tetsuya scolded, hitting his head. "It's just a meeting, I can handle that much." Seiji stared at them from the corner of his eyes, sympathy evident in them. Being in the Kuroko family wasn't a blessing- it was a curse. Every single person in the entertainment industry knew that.

After a while, Shiro finished and Tetsuya decided to go next. "Great! I want to see how good you are compared to your brother." With a nod, Tetsuya went inside and took his place behind the mic, taking a few deep breaths. Then, he began to sing.

"Words you're saying, facial expressions; I can't understand. The hardest thing in the world for me is to try and gain your trust. If you teach me how to truly love you, Do you think that we will never be apart? Maybe we could even be more than just what we are?

Making a heart that's like the wind; stay with me forever, Difficult I know, still I'm holding on, I'll keep on waiting here just for you!"

"Tetsuya," Takumi stared at his brother, noticing the expression on his face; hurt. The younger Kuroko had been hurt again and again and even though he had promised that he'd protect him; he didn't. Tetsuya was never the one to voice out his feelings, after all. Maybe it was because of the harsh childhood the two experienced, Takumi wasn't sure. He glanced at the headmaster who seemed pleased when he heard the younger sing. Out of all the people in the room right there and then, he knew it like the back of his hand;

Tetsuya is talented.

[Time Skip]

From: Ogiwara-kun Subject: Winter Cup

Hey, Kuroko! So as you know, my team's going for Finals! Can't wait to fight against you!  We're totally not gonna lose. We're going all out on you guys, so be prepared! >:D

Kuroko stared at the text message he received a few hours ago. Yes, Meiko Middle School is going to move to the Finals. Teiko was still in the semi-finals, but the win for them was absolutely obvious. Tetsuya turned his phone off before leaning against the lockers, pulling his knees to his chest and burying his face between them.

"Ogiwara-kun is really anticipating our match, but.." He closed his eyes tightly, his shoulder shaking slightly. "Akashi-kun, why did you change? Why? You said we'd be together through thick and thin, so why did you go against your words? Why did you do this to me? Weren't we friends?" He muttered, the tight grip he had on his knees slowly weakening and he just leaned against the lockers, tears running down his face.

"Why did you turn to someone you promised you wouldn't?"

It all happened a few days ago; Murasakibara had stated during practice that he didn't want to attend practice anymore. Akashi had protested, and they ended up having a basketball match. Akashi was about to lose in an utterly humiliating defeat by 4-0 when the tables turned by the eleventh hour and he won. After the match, the heir suddenly announced that he didn't care if they attended practice or not as long as they didn't flub during matches.

Kuroko had voiced out his thoughts about how that wasn't a team, but Akashi had responded by saying that teamwork wasn't important as long as they bring back gold- after all, winning is everything. He suddenly went to first name basis and Kuroko swore he never felt so disgusted hearing his name rolled off the tip of Seijuurou's tongue.

You turned around to face me, To not say stupid lies, You smiled but I knew it was just a poor disguise.

Kuroko was honestly excited to fight against his childhood friend; that was all he asked for. The reason why he went to this school, the reason why he joined the basketball team, the reason why he went through all that suffering, the reason he did everything he could to stay. So the fact that he got hurt during the semi-finals and that meant him not being able to play with the other indeed hurt him- it felt like he was stabbed right in his heart. It hurt him so, so much.

"Akashi-kun, please play this game seriously; I beg of you!" He pleaded, bowing his head in front of the redhead. The redhead agreed, telling him that he'd show them the true Generation of Miracles. At that time, Tetsuya felt relieved.

Of course, he was too naïve.

The opponent's team was crushed to pieces, the Miracles barely breaking a sweat as they walked back to the locker rooms. The look on Kuroko's face was something someone could read like an open book; miserable, pathetic, heartbroken, despondent, betrayed. Of course, he had asked all of them why they did that. Their answer?

"Eh, Kurokocchi's friend was in the rivaling team?" Kise gasped.

"Well, they'd get crushed either way." Murasakibara yawned.

"It was naïve of you to think that we could go all out." Midorima commented.

"Even if we want to, we can't. They're too weak." Aomine stated.

"Why didn't you say about all the other games? Why did you voice out only in this match? Don't you think that was and is selfish of you?" Akashi questioned.

Tetsuya knew. He understood all that. He was selfish, he only thought about his childhood friend's happiness, while ignoring the other teams they went against. But wasn't it okay to be selfish at times?

No.

This wasn't the first time he was being selfish. The time when Aomine left him and how he desperately tried to reconcile their friendship, the time when he used Kise's naïveness for his own need, the time when he got mad with Midorima for forcibly trying to help him move on from his past, the time when he wanted Murasakibara to stay by his side and how he got upset at him when he didn't tell him about his plans of moving and the time when he actually hoped for Akashi to stay by his side. He was so selfish, he knew it like the back of his hand; and yet he put a blind eye to it. The miracles weren't the only one to blame; it was still partly his fault.

When he exited the suffocating room, the room that the people inside had pointed their fingers back at him, when he went to apologise to Ogiwara; there he was, standing just outside the room with a hurt expression. Kuroko was stunned, he didn't know how to react. Ogiwara suddenly just appeared before him and walked away with a disappointed look, leaving the tealnette who was still in his trance.

When he did realise Ogiwara had left, it was too late. Thinking that he couldn't catch up with the other, he took out his phone and shakily dialed his number, running out of the arena. Ogiwara answered after the second ring. "Kuroko, how could you?" Ogiwara's trembling voice asked over the phone, making the one on the other line shake slightly. He heard. Ogiwara had heard his conversation with Akashi. It was his fault it ended like this. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! Ogiwara-kun, please forgive me!" The other begged in a pleading tone, looking around as he finally got out of the building; but the reply he got only made him stop, bursting into tears. "I'm sorry, but I can't. I can't do it anymore. You're just the same as the other miracles. Cruel and selfish, just like them." The call ended just like that, making the tealnette fall to his knees, hot tears streaming down his pale cheeks as he covered his mouth with his hand, trembling violently.

Why is it always my fault?

There he was now, standing at the school's rooftop; dangerously close to the ledge. His heart was beating so fast in his chest that it hurt; but he didn't care. Not anymore. His phone vibrated, indicating that someone was calling him; it was Takumi. He answered the call, lifting the phone and placing it just beside his ear. Takumi began scolding him about how late it was and how he still wasn't back yet. "Yuki even went to see the game! He said you were injured and that you disappeared as soon as the game ended! Where the fuck are you?"

Silence.

Now, Takumi was worried. His instincts told him something was wrong and he needed to see his younger brother now. "Tetsuya, you okay?" He asked gently. There was a slight pause until, "I don't know anymore, Takumi." Tetsuya breathed out. "Everyone left, even Ogiwara-kun; and you know what sucks? It's all my fault. It hurts so much. I keep ruining everything, I don't even have the courage to jump--!"

"DON'T JUMP!" Takumi shouted, startling the other. "Tetsuya, you know death more than I do. You're familiar with grief more than I am. Surely you wouldn't make a foolish decision like that?" Just when Tetsuya was about to reply, the door opened. "Hey kid! What the hell are you doing here?" A security guard came up to him, his face looking as furious as ever; after all, students weren't supposed to be at school at this time of day. Kuroko turned around and took a step back, and before he knew it he was falling. His chest beat wildly; he closed his eyes and before his back hit the hard concrete ground, he wanted to scream out;

I.. don't want to die yet!

Aomine was walking to school when his shoulders suddenly felt heavy and made him lean forward. "What the-- Kise!" He pushed the said male off his back, Kise grinning from ear to ear. "Morning, Aominecchi!" Kise greeted. "You're too fucking loud," the ganguro complained and began walking to school with Kise behind him. The two began talking as they made their way, though the conversation ended as soon as they reached the school.

"Why are the police here? Why is Satsuki and Coach Sanada with the headmaster? Why is Satsuki crying?" Aomine walked towards the school, pushing the other students away; until a police officer stopped him. "This place is off-limits today. All of you, go back home!" Some students cheered and the crowd soon dispatched; though the Miracles ended up staying there longer, demanding for answers.

Momoi suddenly went to them, her eyes were red and her face was stained with wet tears. She stood in front of Akashi and raised a hand, slapping him across his face. "Satsuki/Momocchi/Momoi/Sacchin!" The Miracles yelled at her, pulling her back only to get slapped as well. "Tetsu-kun always went to me after you broke up. He always seek comfort and I always had to face a crying Tetsu-kun at the end of the week." Momoi muttered. "I really hope you guys are happy that you broke him; because he's not coming back."

"What.. do you mean?" Kise decided to speak up, looking at the girl. Satsuki took a bag from Coach Sanada's hold and threw at their direction. "Those were Tetsu-kun's things; his wristband, his uniform, his medicine and his resignation letter. Why I'm giving to you this? Well, let me tell you something;

Kuroko Tetsuya is dead."

The weight I carry is now gone, So please don't worry anymore, Oh I'm, I'm a beautiful- no, a cowardly liar..

"An Akashi never makes a mistake, huh?" Seijuurou muttered to himself as he held onto an iPod that Kuroko also left with a note that said 'To: Akashi-kun'. He turned it on and found a message that was entitled as 'The Little Prince'. He played the message, his whole body froze when he did.

And at that time, he knew he let go of something that he held precious deep down in his heart. Akashi Seijuurou made a mistake.

For this fic, please listen to; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ArExeVXiHU

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[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #76

“yeah, you’re a crazy bitch, but you fuck so good.”

do you ever think about what went wrong in your last relationship? we each made mistakes, and i feel more certain of this now that jason and i have talked. i, for one, gave up on life while still being alive. on jason's end, he, too, gave up on me instead of trying to rebuild me. do you know your best friend’s middle name? yes, colleen. she goes by her middle name, but her "real" name is elizabeth. you have to get a piercing, what do you get? vertical labret on my lip. would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler? a standard poodle. ever driven into the ghetto to buy drugs? no. mom denies it and got pissed once when i mentioned it, but we once lived in sharpsburg, and that was totally the ghetto. do you own a gun? as i'm mentally ill/have had suicidal tendencies, i legally can't. my mother even can't because i live with her. would you rather sleep with someone or alone? with someone. while it's less comfortable, it's comforting. are there any songs that remind you of falling snow? or any songs that remind you of winter time but are not necessarily about that? dude, i have noooo idea why, but for whatever reason, "dreamer" by ozzy osbourne definitely brings to mind winter for me personally. is there anything coming out soon (books, albums, movies, video games) that you're looking forward to? hmmm, i don't think so... but then again, i live under a rock and am not informed on what's coming out so- wAIT IS OUTLAST 2 OUT YET what is something you wish you had learned earlier that you know now? how would this have helped you if you'd known it then? i don't know if there's anything, honestly... i used to say i wish i'd known jason would leave me, but i guess i don't now. because i loved, beyond explanation. i loved with such a naive innocence, and i don't regret that. when you’re interested in someone, do you let them know? according to my history, i do. what was the last compliment you received? someone liked my hair. i got compliments on it non-stop at the hospital. do you have any siblings? are they older / younger? 
 including half-siblings, tiffany, misty, bobby, katie, and ashley are older. nicole is younger. have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced? it has been pierced before, and i plan on doing it again very soon. favorite shoes you have EVER owned? the finding nemo once i had as a kid were fly as FUCK allergic to? pollen and silver favorite fruit? strawberries who was your first prom date? jason where did you live the first time you moved out of your parent’s house? i lived with jason, amanda, and jacob. if you were to have sex right now, would you use a condom? in almost all cases, yes. the only situation where i wouldn't is if i was with jason at this very moment and he wanted to have sex, and he didn't have any. just apply the pull out method, and besides that, i shouldn't be ovulating right now, so i wouldn't get pregnant. do you think it’s bad to have sex at your age? no, i'm an adult. have you ever wanted to get drunk and take your mind off of everything? i sure have. how long do you think you will live? eh, probably early 80s, maybe even 70s... i'm not the healthiest person, mentally and physically. have you ever been stung by a bee? i have not. do you like the snow? very much so. how old are you? do you feel as old as you are? i am 21, but i certainly don't feel it. does the quality of a video, on youtube or a television, matter to you? at least very mildly, sure. it needs to be watchable at least. do you tend to listen to music that embraces your mood or does music dictate your mood? is it a little bit of both? i tend to embrace my mood with the music i pick. are there any books or films that have influenced your philosophy? if so, is there one you could name in particular? "johnny got his gun," i r8 8/8 what is the cutest animal? meerkat pups, oh my GOSH what seasons seems most fitting to your personality? in what ways and why? autumn, because everything is dying. :'D do you think you would be a good parent? i don't know, honestly... blue, black, or red pens; or another color? black do you like watching people play video games? yes, i do!! idk why, it's just entertaining to me. when was the last time you swam in a pool?  years ago what are your parents views on sex? err, in regards to what about it exactly? have you ever babysat before? yeah, for the neighbor. if your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away what would you do?  i'd be pretty devastated, honestly. if your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do?  well that'd be a problem, as she's married to a man. i'd be pretty concerned about what she'd do. have you ever dreamed about your wedding? i have. do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of facebook? nope. j and my pictures are still up there. ever plaigarised? no. i have too much respect as a writer. do you edit your profile pictures before posting them?  i do minor adjustments, of course. i was a digital photography student, we know aaall about the mandatory deception of editing. :P what's your middle name?  marie what's your wallpaper on your phone? lock screen is the bogeyman from "silent hill: downpour," but the artwork is from "anne's story." home screen is pyramid head from the white hunter comic. favorite tv commercial? the dirty mr. clean commercial mAKES ME SOB YA'LL SHOULDA SEEN ME THE OTHER DAY I WAS DONE what is your favorite type of cat?  hmmm. persians, sphinxes, ragdoll, etc... what religion were you raised in? are you still that religion, if you had one? catholicism, and no. i'm christian now. would you ever consider getting dreadlocks? nooooo. how many times is your cartilage pierced in your ears?  once. do you prefer to spend more time with your SO, family, or friends? why? in my history, my s.o. jason really just touched this part of my brain that just REALLY made me happy. if you see a homeless person asking for money, do you give them any? i'm not going to lie, no. i don't know that person, and WAY too many assholes are deceptive little shits. what will immediately disqualify a potential SO?  smoking, doing drugs, excessive drinking, abusive past, and i'm certain there are others i'm forgetting... i am honestly VERY picky. when was the last time you really panicked? when i overdosed a few days back. do you ever get eczema? nope. have you ever witnessed a serious physical fight? i have not. is there anyone you would do literally anything for?  honestly, yes. i'd kill for jason. it's very unhealthy and i wish the mentality would stop, but i honestly can't do much about it... do you enjoy corn on the cob?  i do. in your opinion, what's the ideal age to start having children? about mid-20s. what's the longest you've ever slept in one go? it HAD to be almost 12 hours. jason and i were up almost the entire night being horny whores and when i fell asleep, i was GONE. have you ever dated someone with an accent different than yours? no. does caffeine affect you, or not so much?  not very much at all. would you ever want to follow down the career path of your parents? no. but then again, they both dropped out of/didn't go to college, so... guess i'm not too far off. do you think “sleeve tattoos” are a good idea? *sexual moaning* if you have any tattoos, do you reckon you might regret them when you get older and have children? i sure won't. is there anything in particular that your parents argue about? what? just gonna say there's a reason they're divorced. do you act differently around the person you like? i mean, i'm happier. kissed someone you didn’t like?  on the cheek, never on the lips. ran a red light? no. experienced love at first sight?  nope. pointed a gun at someone?  no. had a gun pointed at you? no. dumped someone?  yep. lied to avoid a ticket? no. ridden in a helicopter? no. made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? i woulda preferred you to rip my fucking heart out. eaten snake?  omg no. puked on amusement ride?  no. been in a band? nope. been in handcuffs? i've been in full-body shackles on one occasion. i was going from the mental hospital to the court. what is your favorite breakfast food? pancakes. who do you (romantically) love? my ex, jason. do you enjoy kissing?  sure, yeah. what about making out? i r8 8/8 m8 where are you most ticklish? MY FEET HOLY SHIT where do you want to get married? gothic-styled mansion or similar building pls do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? yes. have you ever slow danced to a song you didn't know? no. if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go and why? south africa. i want to photograph the meerkats at the kalahari meerkat project. describe your perfect partner. his name's jason. would you prefer to be a vampire or a werewolf? vampire, i think. the werewolf transformation seems painful. most embarrassing moment?  borderline having a panic attack because i was like really close to having an orgasm for the first time and i didn't understand what was happening to my body lmao. jason was super cute and sweet about it though and helped me calm down. would you ever consider getting married?  i want to get married. if it were possible, what exotic animal would you keep as a pet? if it weren't so bad for them, i'd totally have a meerkat. what is your least favorite thing about your appearance?  my stomach. ew. have you ever had a bonfire on the beach?  no, but that sounds cool. do you listen to music while driving?  it has to be VERY quiet. or else i can't concentrate. have you ever received an autograph from a celebrity?  no. can you honestly say you’ve been drunk before? i have. is there a certain color of eyeshadow you prefer, if you wear eyeshadow? black as my soul. would you ever do something you didn't enjoy sexually just to please your partner? depends on what, really. like there are some situations where i'd absolutely draw the line, but here's an example: i don't like oral, but i guess i'd give it sometimes if it made him happy. when was the last time you watched south park?  probably not since j and i were together... i remember one occasion where we chilled in my room for hours watching it. are you italian? no. where’s the nearest game stop near you?  in rocky mount, by wal-mart. do you have any best friends that you only know online? i guess i still consider mini at least a very close friend, despite not talking much. i have other very close friends too, but not best, i guess. if you could, would you want to stay young forever? yes. being elderly is just, in general, inconvenient. not saying old people are, just the state of being old is. are you interested in anime? no more, no less than the usual person. hogwarts house: just took a quiz, and apparently i'm a mix of all? i very well coulda been off, 'cuz there was a lot of harry potter terminology that i don't know... what’s “out of bounds” for you during sex?  do. not. hit me aggressively. main thing. hickies - get ‘em or give ‘em?  i enjoy getting 'em, enjoy giving 'em. are you okay with rough sex?  hell yeah. i think i'd prefer soft and sensual more frequently, but i'm not totally opposed to just fucking. how big was the biggest dick you’ve ever seen? was it in a porn or in real life?  this survey sure took a sexual turn. but i've only ever seen one penis, so... how do you feel about daddy dom/little girl roleplaying?  nO JUST NO do you have any sexual regrets? i regret not going all the way with j. he was my first love, and he deserved to know me in every single way possible. have you had anal?  no, and i don't want it. do you like to spank/be spanked? i like being spanked, but not too hard. do you like teasing or would you rather get straight to the point? tEASE TEASE TEEEEEAAAAAASE are you able to have emotionless sex? fuck that. sex should be the epitome of physical displays of affection, imo. does penis size really matter?  honest to god, i don't care. it's not like a man can choose how "well-off" he is. describe an orgasm. oh wow. i don't actually think i've ever properly orgasmed, but i was extremely close once and totally panicked. it felt totally otherworldly, and i honestly felt like screaming, puking, and just exploding all at once??? i was so scared at first, but as i calmed down, shit was awesome. what’s the longest time you’ve had sex for? never had sex, but done sexual things for hours... like, all night. if you could change the person you lost your virginity to, would you? i would change the fact i didn't lose my virginity to jason. what’s something sexual that you thought you wouldn’t like, but ended up liking? anr/abf surprised the FUCK out of me. i honestly thought it'd be really awkward and uncomfortable, but it's honestly an extremely stimulating and motherly sensation okay i'll stop before this turns into a pornish thing. but basically it taught me ya can't totally judge some things 'til you try it. give your best sex advice, GO. uhhh. ever tried sucking on your partner's tongue while making out? turned my ex the fuck on, at least. would you say you’re good in bed?  have evidence i was good enough. do you like gagging on cock/having someone gag on your cock? why? i just choked on my fucking drink. but no, because i like air. when it comes to oral, are you gentle? do you use your hands too?  i. was so. timid giving oral. i was so scared i was going to hurt him. i don't think i've ever used my hands at the same time. okay, how do you feel about handjobs? since we were stuck with foreplay due to my abstinence, we relied on handjobs a lot. they're great. have you had any unwanted pain during sex? i've had pain while being fingered, sure. but i guess it wasn't entirely unwanted. has anyone drew blood from you during sex, whether it was by cutting, biting, or scratching? how did you feel about that? no, never. have you ever fucked someone who was sad? did it help them emotionally or make it worse?  i'm sure i have, and he's done it to me when i was sad plenty of times, and yes, it's honestly a great mood booster. are you more submissive or dominant? i'm definitely more submissive. who’s your ideal sexual partner?  jason was nothing short of perfect. are you accepting “applications” for a partner? lmao fuck that i don't do no "applications" for this kinda shit. who was your first kiss with? first person to kiss me was juan, but the first person i kissed who reciprocated my kiss was jason. how far have you gone sexually? depends on how you rank sexual things, idk...? did you shave your legs today? done with the sexual questions, eh? anyway, no. have you ever made out with someone in public at all? no. do you think masturbation is dirty? not necessarily dirty, just lustful. have you ever made out in a hot tub? *adds to bucket list* do you play with the other persons hair when you kiss? jason had long hair for a male, to his shoulders, and yeah, i liked playing with it. have you ever smoked pot? nope. do you sing in front of people? NOOOOO. ever lived in a trailer park? no. have you ever had dandruff? no, but i have a dry scalp. though both cause flaking, they're still different. what would people say about you at your funeral?  i was very quiet and thought too much. what lessons in life did you learn to hard way? your actions have consequences. would you ever give up your life to save another?  i'm not going to pretend to be a superhero. it depends on who it is. what is stopping you from living the life you want to live?  money, health, willpower... ever held a newborn animal? kittens, yes. how do you dress when you’re not at work? i don't have a job, so. but when i'm home anyway, i'm dressed for comfort, usually in my pajamas. if i'm going out, i will dress usually in something like yoga pants and a graphic tee. do you care overly about other people? the only person i'd say i care "overly" about is jason. what was your favorite pokemon as a child? charmander (: do you know what the heck the difference is between the statements “we’re just dating” and “we’re together”?   technically the same in my honest opinion, but at the same time, "we're dating" also sounds more casual. if a person is brought up speaking both spanish and english in equal amounts and equally fluently, which language do they think in?   *KA-BOOM* have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?   it was pierced for many years, and i'm planning on getting it re-pierced very soon. last film you watched?   i just finished "finding dory" actually, now i'm watching "zootopia." when consuming a beverage that comes in a can, do you prefer to drink it directly from the can or do you pour it into a cup?   i like to drink it from the can.  tastes sliiightly different and is colder. what do you do to cure a headache?   sleep or take medicine. do you still possess any belongings from your childhood? do they hold some special significance?   absolutely.  i actually have two things i call "treasure boxes" where i hold certain, very special belongings.  nostalgia overdose. are any of your fingers or toes deformed? what about the nails?   no.  i would, however, call one of my nails unusual.  my right ring finger, its nail curves inward towards the base definitely more than it should.  it's so weird considering both my immediate sisters have it, too. when yawning, do you cover your mouth?   always in public, yes.  it just seems polite. as a kid, did you love playing on neopets?   neopets and webkinz were my SHIT.  i was more into webkinz, but neopets was amazing, too.  i loved the dragon one and the newer one that looked like a doggish thing with a stripe going down its body?  i think it started with an "x"? what is the background on your desktop? why’d you choose that?   on my own laptop, it's trico and the boy from "the last guardian" bc i love that game and its artwork.  on the laptop i've been using for like three months, it's a picture of my sister ashley and her baby aubree at the beach. are you comfortable with people going through your phone?   no, and i don't know why, actually...?  like i have NOTHING bad on there, it's just... weird? do you tend to daydream a lot? if so, about what?   i do, aaaaa lot.  aaand it's always about jason. e_e have any interesting conversations lately?   ohhh god.  not necessarily a convo, but lemme just make this known. chelsea: *creates fire w/ hairspray and lighter* *screams ensue* YOU ALMOST MADE ME COME HARDER THAN JASON EVER HAS then came the laughter and the stomachache from all the heaving what do you have pierced on you?   now?  only my ear lobes, and i'm livid about it.  i had to take my fucking piercings out at the hospital, and they closed up.  my ear lobes didn't tho, i guess 'cuz i've had them since childhood... but i am actually pissed. where do your grandparents live?   maternal: well, she technically lives in florida, but stays in new york with her son's family a load.  paternal: michigan. pencils; mechanical or traditional?   mechanical, by far.  eliminates the need to sharpen. what was the last zoo/aquarium you went to?   asheboro zoo or whatever it's called. what is the last big risk you took? did it pay off?   talking to jason face-to-face, absofuckinglutely.  that could've so easily ended in another suicide attempt.  but anyway, yes, it paid off. what's the closest you've come to death?   overdosing, i guess. what chocolate is your favorite?   milk who is your favorite blogger?  i don't really have one. what was the best thing you were given?  jason's love and attention, even if just for three and a half years of my life. have you ever cheated on your partner?  nope. are you over your past?  not in the slightest. did you try to change for a person?  ha.  he left too soon to give me a chance. e_e are you in a good or bad mood?   eh, i'm good for now. name someone you can’t live without.   no one.  after losing jason, well, i'm sure i can survive without anyone, ultimately. are you a crybaby?   10/10 do people praise you for your looks?   no. SEXIEST disney character that's not human?   okay sorrynotsorry but scar and steele are SEXY do you believe in the phrase “if it’s meant to be, it will be”?  ha!  no, sorry.  i refuse to believe jason and i weren't "meant to be." what do you put on hotdogs?  ketchup and mustard do you know how to play chess?   no. did you/are you going to go to prom?  i went to jason's senior and my senior.  man... i remember how shy he was when he asked me... it was so cute. :/ what’s the most physically painful thing you’ve ever experienced? having a pilonidal cyst opened and drained while still conscious and insufficiently drugged.  FUCK THAT. what’s the most emotionally/mentally painful thing you’ve ever experienced?   jason leaving me. have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life?   not to my knowledge. are you a very open or private person?   open online, private af irl what do you get complimented on the most?  my hair who was the last person you talked about sex with?  chelsea or colleen what was the last deep conversation you had about?   jason.  i was talking with chelsea. why do some girls become so dependent on their boyfriend/husband?   well, i, for one, was rather dependent on jason, and it was because i needed a pillar, and he was strong, but i guess i put too much weight on him... i had no fucking idea it was too much.  as well, it was because i am not an independent person.  i'm a follower and act like a dog on a leash towards the people i trust.  it's simply my desire to be a loyal companion.  i don't know how to change that. do you enjoy going to church?   i do, but not for TOO long. what do you have tattoos of/what do you want tattoos of?   oh god.  you asked for it.  as for tats i have, i have a semicolon butterfly on my right wrist, "perfectly flawed" written on my left, upper arm, and "ohana" written on my right collarbone.  as for what i want, i have about 100 ideas, but i'm going to only list the ones i am quite serious about.  my next tat is of "denialism" by da's tatchit, and it's going on my right upper arm as a half-sleeve.  here's the list: - "... and you ain't got his smile" written maybe under my left breast.  it's a harley quinn quote, and i want it as dedication to jason.  which no, i will not regret. - the magic sigil thing from "shadow of the colossus" somewhere - either a pyramid head, robbie the rabbit, or halo of the sun tat to pay tribute to "silent hill" - "he who knows pain is dangerous" written somewhere, which is a rammstein lyric, in either english or maybe german - spider sternum tattoo - a hydra coming towards the viewer with "from slave to master, i've become the hydra" (otep lyric) written in a semi-circle above it.  i honestly want this on my lower stomach, like, starting above my private, but i most likely will not do this.  still thinking of where to relocate it. - "i believe what doesn't kill you simply makes you stranger" written somewhere, a quote from the joker. - "how long is forever?" "sometimes, just one second" from "alice in the wonderland."  i want the quotes in speech bubbles vertical of each other. - a harley quinn-esque design with "rotten" written on it.  on my right asscheek.  yeah.  talk about slutty lmao. - a large viper on one of my hips. - three sketch-style arrows going down my left lower arm - "once upon a time, i ripped the wings from my spine, but when i hide inside your eyes, i still pretend that i can fly" (otep lyric) written along my spine I HAVE SO MUCH MORE.  but my phone's dead (i have more ideas on there) and i have even more saved to my dead computer... are most of the adults you know married or divorced?   divorced... it's so sad. :/ when was the last time you were mistaken for a mom?   at therapy some time ago.  mom was with me, and she was babysitting. what is your mom’s and dad’s favorite tv show?   mom's: "the big bang theory," probably.  dad, idk. have you ever suspected your mom or dad of having an affair?   nope do you think buying second hand clothes is gross?   certainly not. does it gross you out when your parents kiss?   well, they're divorced, sooo... does your dad swear?   yeah. do you sweat easily?   i sweat like an obese pig.  it's due to one of my medications. if your last kiss asked you on a date, what would you say?   "absolutely!" when you like someone, do you picture what your children will look like?   no. when was the last time you drank strawberry milk?   elementary school when i tried it for the first time.  absolutely fucking disgusting. do you own a pair of fingerless gloves?   yup.  i was big into that in high school. did you have a good driver’s ed teacher?   he was fine, but i am 100% certain that on one occasion, if i had listened to him, we would have died. if you have siblings, which one of you is going to be married first?   ashley's already married, i'll probably never find anyone, so i guess nicole's next. did you kiss the last person you really wanted to kiss?   like, do you mean did i kiss him the last time i wanted to kiss him?  if so, no.  he barely even let me hug him. when your last relationship ended, how long was it before you felt ready to think about being with someone else?   it's been over a year and i still don't feel entirely ready. do you think it’s wrong for someone to commit themselves to a long-term relationship at a young age? explain.   no, and there's no real need to explain...?  obviously, even young people are capable of sincere love? are you legal to drink?   yep. do you have any dirty pictures on your cellphone?   i do not. what do you want more than anything in this world?   jason. last time you felt physical pain?   earlier today.  my stomach was hurting. last time you felt emotional pain?   i'm clinically depressed.  i live with emotional pain. what are you listening to?   "american horror story" is on.  it's actually a ptsd trigger, so i'm trying to watch it again to like... edit the memory.  i'm doing it with chelsea so i won't be alone. do you like your handwriting?   i do. do you own any dresses? if so, what colors are they?   i do not.  i wish. when was the last time you went tanning?   never. have you ever been in a car accident?   quite a mild one.

[artificialqueens]

A Head, A Heart, & A Crown {Biadore} Chapter 12 -C*NT

A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed the last chapter! This one ends on a really big cliffhanger so just a warning…Chapter 13 will be a time jump to the Autumn of 2017. Enjoy!!

Adore smiled at her new group chat in her phone. She couldn’t believe that Alaska was the one to go home, she was sure it was going to be Alyssa. Alaska and Katya were going on and on about something, but Adore didn’t really understand what they were talking about. She shut her screen off and grabbed a shirt and shorts out of her suitcase to put on for the day. Now she could say that she was a part of 2 Top 4 group chats! Her phone was never going to stop blowing up, she realized although her Season 6 Top 4 chat had been quiet for a while. She was excited for the final challenge that was happening later today. She pulled on her shorts and got ready to leave the hotel room NOW for the second to last time.

Everything that had happened yesterday with Bianca was weird. It was so up and down. First they were awkward, then they were fighting like a married couple, and then they were flirting and defending each other. The new dynamic didn’t make much sense to her, especially now that the line of friendship had been severely blurred. Were they friends? Acquaintances? Were they back to normal?

Adore felt the sexual tension between the two of them yesterday. Bianca was not very shy about letting her eyes fixate on the curves of her body, or letting her hands linger on her waist during their dance. It was clear there was still something there between them. There always was though, and maybe there always would be.

For now, Adore had to pack her things so she could go straight to her apartment to meet up with Jaremi at the bar. That way she could pick up her luggage, and be dropped off at her apartment by the uber.

Jaremi: Hey, we’re still on for tonight right?

Adore looked down at her phone confused.

Adore: Of course we are. Why wouldn’t we be?

Jaremi: Just wondering…did you happen to hang out with Bianca last night by chance?

Adore was even more confused now. Why would he be asking that?

Adore: I wouldn’t call it hanging out, we had to do a challenge together. Why?

Adore waited. And waited. It seemed like it was taking him forever to respond.

Then the screenshots came in. Bianca had basically threatened Phi Phi. What the fuck? She angrily picked up her phone and dialed her number.

“Well well well, it takes winning a challenge for you to call me? I should’ve come on-”

“’ ‘Just know that I’ll have her back, even when this relationship doesn’t make it.’ God Roy how big of a fucking disaster do you think I am?” Danny yelled into the phone.

Roy felt his heart stop as he realized Phi Phi had ratted him out.

“I-I don’t think you’re a disaste-”

“I don’t understand you! You let me go to basically BE with Jaremi. Now you’re threatening him?! What do you want Roy?”

It was silent over the receiver. Danny and Roy both sighed.

“I just want you to be happy.” Roy finally said.

“You don’t think Jaremi will accomplish that?”

“Jaremi is sneaky, Danny. I’m not understanding why you don’t see that.”

“Oh and you’re so perfect Roy. You’re not sneaky at all going behind my

back and kissing Courtney, and not telling me you were going to come on the show. Jaremi is just misunderstood,

you’re just a fucking asshole.”

“Okay listen queen, I didn’t tell you I was filming because I didn’t think you were actually here-”

“You know what that’s another thing, you think I’m just a big fucking selfish party animal. Maybe I was when we first met, but not anymore. I was fucking there for you Roy!” Danny was starting to cry in frustration. The sobs were breaking Roy’s heart. It was this moment where he realized that he had broken him.

“Danny please don’t cry.” Roy tried to comfort him.

“I’ll cry if I fucking want to Roy. How dare you come at Jaremi like that when you kissed Courtney and cheated on me! I’m sorry I’m not a fucking size 2 Australian supermodel with thousand-dollar custom made gowns.” Danny sobbed.

Roy felt like an absolute idiot. Of course Danny was still upset about it, and now

he realized why. He didn’t feel like he was good enough for him. By him kissing Courtney, that was the validation in Danny’s mind.

“Danny you are more than that. You’re amazingly talented, intelligent, and beautiful.”

“But that still wasn’t enough for you Roy! I even opened up my apartment for you and it still wasn’t enough.”

“Danny it was-”

“I should go.” Danny said numbly.

Roy held his breath as he felt the tears coming.

“Okay.” Roy’s voice shook.

But when he looked at his phone, Danny was already gone.

—–

“Meow you already know my name

You know I’m the messiest slut in the game

The number 1 fan fave of all time

I was the Season 6 runner up, and that’s the true crime.

Monsoon, hurricanes I’ve been through them all.

But bitch I’m back, and I ain’t gonna stall

Couture, Gowns, Dresses that hit the floor,

If you ask why I’ll tell you this is what you came for

I’m a fucking mermaid, a woman of the ocean

I can make your hips rock in slow motion

Sorry but you can’t deny that I’m a messy whore

But trust and believe mama there’s so much more

Fuck, party, chola, that was my start

But my motherfucking voice is off the charts

I’m here to win it all, so I can buy more pizza

so sit back and watch this fucking Libra win the crown mamacita.”

“That was great! Excellent work Adore.” AB Soto exclaimed.

Adore smiled and took off her headphones. She had come up with the rap last night after she had gotten back from her hotel room. She had also finished another song last night, called “Out Of The Blue” that she thought was describing her current situation with Roy quote well. She hoped her rap was good enough for the judges.

“Go ahead and head over to the next room where you will be recording your What’s The T podcast with Ru and Michelle. Great job today. ”

The song was really good. She liked what Ru had come up with making the top 3 queens each have verses. She smiled and waved goodbye to AB Soto.

The ‘What’s The T’ podcast was literally one room over, so all she had to do was walk through another door and she was basically there.

“Oh look who’s joined us, it’s Adore Delano!” Ru exclaimed.

“Sit baby, sit.” Michelle smiled and gestured to the chair next to her.

“Hi guys!” Adore said with a wide smile.

“You have made it to the Top 3 of All Stars 2, Adore how are you feeling?” Ru asked as he took a sip of his hot tea sitting on the table.

“I feel amazing, like I never thought I’d be in this position again but I’m so glad I am. I’m eternally grateful.” Adore expressed.

“You’ve come a looooong way from your season girl.” Michelle commented.

“I agree; you have had wonderful runway looks; which in your season wasn’t as widespread as it has been this season. Did you have any help with some of the outfits you’ve worn?” Ru asked.

“Not really no. I kind of just picked a few things that I thought would be really pretty. I’ve only gotten help for three of my outfits, one of them being the leotard I wore last night. Bianca had offered to make it for me really fast cuz she thought it would be cute if we matched. She also picked out 2 dresses for me, I’m not going to say which one I’m wearing tonight because I want it to be a surprise.”

“So basically, she doesn’t want us to think Bianca was the one that has helped her win her runways.” Michelle laughed.

“Oh Michelle, we know Bianca hasn’t though. Adore, you have still kept yourself within all of your looks and it shows. Yours and Bianca’s style is so very different.”

“I agree, I’m not like a pageant queen like she is or a damn seamstress so it’s a little bit different for me.” Adore laughed.

“Which brings me to my next question. Bianca has built an amazing empire after your guys’ season. If you were to win All Stars 2, how would you build something similar?” Ru asked.

That was a tough question. Kind of a shady one, Adore thought. She hated being compared to Bianca since they were two completely different queens with two very different aesthetics. Her empire would be completely different from hers though.

“God, I don’t know man. I would be honored to carry on your legacy. But we would have completely different empires. Bianca’s a comedy queen, and an actor; she’s so talented. We’re very different, but I would probably try to be more involved with the youth and do a lot of volunteering and interacting with them and such. I feel like it’s very important to educate the next generation and tell them that it’s okay to express themselves. And of course I’ll always be making music.”

“Can I just say, that you have grown so much since I first met you Adore?” Michelle said.

“I agree, even just from the first episode of this season you seem different. Everything about you seems more

polished, yet still you. I’m very proud that you have stayed true to who you are.” Ru said with pride.

“Thanks Ru.” Adore smiled.

“Now, I sensed something between not only you and Phi Phi but you and Bianca as well. Care to elaborate?” Michelle asked.

Adore’s eyes widened at the blunt question. Michelle smiled with a “I know what you’ve been up to” look.

Oh fuck. She knew she hadn’t been totally discreet about her and Bianca in front of the cameras, but for Michelle to pick up on something between her and Phi Phi was concerning.

“Oh girl, we’re all just friends!” Adore exclaimed.

Michelle raised an eyebrow at her. She knew some of the things that had happened between her and Bianca on tour. They were really close when they were touring together so Michelle had heard pretty much all of the shit that went on, whether she wanted to or not. There were many nights where Adore would sneak into her room and ask her for advice.

“Friends with benefits, perhaps?” Ru joked.

“Maybe with one of them.” Adore admitted shyly.

“Do tell darling!” Ru said.

“Me and Phi Phi have kinda had this little thing going on since the middle of the competition. So I’m actually seeing her later tonight.” Adore said smoothly.

She didn’t want to tarnish Bianca’s privacy with pointless gossip on a podcast. Plus, the exposure for Phi Phi would be good for her career. Better to let Phi Phi have the publicity then Bianca.

“It’s interesting because you two don’t seem very alike.” Michelle commented.

Adore was getting sick of Phi Phi being painted as the villain. Sure, she could be a bitch but she wasn’t this terrible monster everyone always seemed to make her out to be. It saddened her how after her season aired no one gave her a chance.

“We’re more alike than I think a lot of people realize. We’re both misunderstood in the drag world.” Adore shrugged.

“Well, let me tell you something. I adore you, Adore and I hope you can understand you’re very special.” Ru smiled.

They wrapped up the interview and Adore headed back to the workroom to start rehearsing her dance number. She couldn’t decide if she wanted to wear the gold trumpet dress her and Bianca had picked out, or if she wanted to save that for the finale. She still had the gold leotard that Bianca had insulted yesterday for the dance part, but she had also brought the black one from one of her music videos that she was leaning towards.

She decided she would try to choreograph her own number and figure out her wardrobe after the fact.

——–

“What was your gaggiest most favorite part about being here Miss Katya?” Alyssa asked as they all had sat down to do their makeup.

Adore had decided on the gold dress for tonight and the black leotard for the dance segment.

“Just enjoying every moment really. Not having anxiety attacks and such. Having fun and feeling sexy!” Katya laughed.

“What about you sweet thing?” Alyssa turned to Adore.

“Oh god, the whole experience has been amazing but I’d have to say when we did the dance challenge yesterday.”

Adore smiled as she patted down her foundation with setting powder.

“Oh yeah that was fucking amazing!” Katya exclaimed.

“Girl, that was my favorite too.” Alyssa agreed.

“So two blondes and a brunette huh?” Adore asked as she looked at the first set of wigs that were set out.

Adore had decided to wear her long curly black hair, while the other two had opted out for blonde.

“The carpet has to match the drapes right?” Katya joked.

“Well ya’ll, in that case, I should follow Miss Delano’s lead and pick out a brunette wig!” Alyssa exclaimed.

The queens all laughed.

“Yo, like how do you guys feel about like, the winners of our season judging us?” Adore asked.

“My judge is fucking Jinkx Monsoon bitch. I think I’ll be good.” Alyssa laughed.

“I mean; I don’t have a problem with it. We’re all friends so I don’t see them saying anything overly terrible about us.” Katya shrugged.

Great. So Adore was the only one that was nervous about this. The other queens probably didn’t just get into a huge fight with the winning queens of their seasons however. Bianca could throw shade at her like never before and not think twice about it with the way their phone call ended earlier.

“What’s got you so worried girl?” Alyssa asked as she studied Adore’s face.

“I just feel like in the judges’ eyes, I like don’t compare to Bianca. Like they look at me and go 'oh that’s her runner up’. That and me and Bianca kind of got into it this morning so I’m hoping she doesn’t throw me under the bus just because.” Adore said sadly.

“Girl you gotta stop doing that to yourself. The judges don’t think that- you do. And once you stop thinking that, you are going to blossom.” Katya said as she walked over to give Adore a hug.

“Let’s be real here, Adore. You have the biggest following out of both of us, and the biggest career. So far.” Alyssa threw in at the end.

Adore laughed.

“Bianca would never throw you under the bus girl. She loves you boo.” Alyssa reassured.

Love, that was hilarious. Bianca definitely didn’t love her. Maybe if she did they would still be together, and Courtney wouldn’t’ve even tried to kiss her.

“Sorry, I’m just being insecure.” Adore admitted.

“We all get that way baby it doesn’t matter to me.” Alyssa smiled.

They finished getting ready and went over to their clothes racks to get dressed. Adore slipped on the black leotard and some knee high boots and checked herself in the mirror last time.

She looked fucking hot, and Bianca could eat her fucking heart out at what she lost. She flipped her hair over her shoulder and headed towards the workroom.

—-

The tune to Read U Wrote You started and the top 3 walked down the runway. They were each wearing a black leotard with knee high boots, however Katya’s was sequined and Alyssa’s had silver swirls embroidered into hers.

Adore was in the middle since her verse was up first. She could see both Jinkx and Bianca eyeing her, while Violet was fixated on Katya. She thought she saw Bianca’s lips curve into a small smile, but it could’ve been in her head.

The two other queens went to the side of the stage, and the pit crew came to help Adore with her dance number. All she was really doing was a sexy strip tease sort of dance, but she knew it would drive Bianca crazy.

Meow you already know my name

You know I’m the messiest slut in the game

The number 1 fan fave of all time

I was the Season 6 runner up, and that’s the true crime.

She saw Jinkx and Violet cover their mouths as Adore winked at Bianca. Bianca was cackling and clapping loudly, it wasn’t often that Adore threw shade at her. She was living for it.

Monsoon, hurricanes I’ve been through them all.

But bitch I’m back, and I ain’t gonna stall

Couture, Gowns, Dresses that hit the floor,

If you ask why I’ll tell you this is what you came for

“Is that a sex joke about you guys?” Violet asked Jinkx and Bianca.

“I guess? I didn’t know Bianca and her had a thing though.” Jinkx teased.

“Go back to sleep, I like you better that way.” Bianca grumbled.

She had to admit, Adore’s rap was really good so far. However, all of the intimate lap dancing was starting to make her blood boil. Adore was enjoying herself way too much as she grinded on one of the Latin pit crew members.

I’m a fucking mermaid, a woman of the ocean

I can make your hips rock in slow motion

Sorry but you can’t deny that I’m a messy whore

But trust and believe mama there’s so much more

Adore shoved the same pit crew member down on a chair and started giving him a lap dance. The judges cheered and Bianca was gripping her dress as she smiled. She hated that she had lost her, now she had to watch her grind on some fake ass Fabio wanna-be.

Adore was so much more than what everyone else saw though, Bianca thought. A lot more than anyone knew too. Bianca knew Adore better than anyone in this room, inside and out.

Fuck, party, chola, that was my start

But my motherfucking voice is off the charts

I’m here to win it all, so I can buy more pizza

so sit back and watch this fucking Libra win the crown mamacita.

Bianca was laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe. Adore had killed that last part of her verse, and had looked incredibly sexy dancing and lip syncing it. Even if it pissed her off, she can’t deny that she did a good job.

Alyssa was up next, taking her place in the middle of the stage as Adore and Katya danced on each other. Bianca was fixated on how sexy Adore looked in her leotard. Adore looked up and made eye contact with her, brown eyes smoldering into hers. Bianca had opted out of wearing her contacts tonight, mostly because she ran out of time. But mostly because she knew Adore loved her eyes without them.

It’s your girl Alyssa Edwards, Texas representing

All Stars 2 is about to be ending

I’m not joking bitch, I’m gay

Me Quoting Coco? You must think I’m loco

What the fuck is going on in here on this day?!

I’ve conquered the competition, y'all other queens are deceased

What I can tell you Ru is that I’m a goddamn BEAST!

“That wig makes her look like a beast.” Bianca murmured under her breath. Jinkx slapped her arm playfully. Bianca froze at the impact. She tried not to let the memories of abuse come to the surface but it was too hard. She thought of everything Jason had done, but then realized it was getting easier to think positive thoughts instead of letting her past consume her.

“Not everyone can be singer like your boo, Bianca.” Jinkx laughed.

Bianca was still trying to shake off the memory. She finally responded after a few extra seconds.

“She’s not my 'boo’ queen.” Bianca stated.

Her arm throbbed and triggered the memory of not being good enough, of Jason beating her and hitting her. Now here she was watching someone she wanted, that she herself would never be good enough for. Adore was a star, burning brightly and Bianca felt like all she would do was bring her down.

Tongue pop tongue pop where for art thou tongue pop

My back rolls gone cuz I went and gave them the chop

Because I don’t get cute I get drop dead gorgeous

And if I’m not the winner then this shit is rigga morris

Alyssa snapped her fingers and walked back to the side of the stage. The three of the queens came together and danced with one another, prancing from each side of the stage.

“Rigga what?!” Bianca roared as she laughed at that last line.

“I think she meant like mortis.” Violet observed.

“What is going on with you and Adore?” Jinkx whispered.

“Can you shut the fuck up, there are cameras everywhere!” Bianca hissed.

“There’s obviously something!” Jinkx hissed back.

“We were a thing, now we’re not, end of story.” Bianca whispered and turned towards the stage.

“Darling, it’s never that simple.” Jinkx mumbled.

Katya came up to the middle of the stage to do her final part of the challenge.

Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova

But your dad just calls me Katya

“Oh my god!” Violet exclaimed. Bianca and the rest of the judges were laughing as well.

I’m the bright red scare with the long blonde hair

Always keep 'em coming back for more

You’re a basic ass hoe and it’s your time to go

So bitch let me show you the door

Cause it’s me whose getting laid and I’m always getting paid;

The only high class Russian whore

I’m a scorching hot mess in a skin tight dress

That’s a rash, not a herpes sore

Lenin in the streets, Dostoyevsky in the sheets

Baby, are you ready for this Cold War?

Katya Zamolodchikova

The girls danced to the beat of the song and had acquired books from some of the backup dancers. As the song finished, they tore the pages out of the books and threw them at the bottom of the stage and dropped the books on the floor.

“Oh my god! Yaaas!” Rupaul cheered as the rest of the judges clapped.

Adore was smiling from ear to ear and caught Bianca’s eye again. Her face had the look of pride written all over it. She really felt like she killed this challenge, and apparently Bianca felt it too.

“You may leave the stage to get changed into your best drag.” Ru announced.

——–

“Girl, we gotta talk.” Jinkx said as she pulled Bianca to the corner of one of the old Untucked lounges. Everyone was on a break right now as the top 3 got ready for their runway. Violet was outside talking to someone on the phone, and the rest of the judges had gone into their personal dressing rooms.

“Girl are we even supposed to be in here?” Bianca rolled her eyes as Jinkx grabbed her arm and they shut the door.

“I don’t know but it’s the only place that doesn’t have cameras! So talk!” Jinkx demanded as she crossed her arms.

“I don’t need to tell you shit!” Bianca huffed as she started to walk away.

“You love her.” Jinkx stated.

Bianca paused at the door.

“I can’t. I don’t.” Bianca whispered.

Jinkx smiled wide and jumped up and down. Bianca rolled her eyes at her. She assumed being a narcoleptic meant random bursts of energy for no apparent reason.

“What did you say first? You can’t. That doesn’t mean you don’t.” Jinkx grinned.

“Jinkx, I fucked up severely. Bottom line is that now she’s moved on.” Bianca said.

Jinkx frowned.

“Adore will never move on from you.” Jinkx said as she rolled her eyes.

“No girl. I TOLD her to go be with someone else basically. I let her go. I gotta wait until this shit plays out, if it plays out.” Bianca said.

“Awww.” Jinkx cooed.

“How is that an aww moment? I fucked up!” Bianca exclaimed.

“You really are an idiot aren’t you?” Jinkx asked.

“What the fuck do you mean bitch?”

“You think that you don’t love her, yet what you did was literally the purest form of love. You let her go because you were being selfless and wanted her to be happy.” Jinkx explained.

Bianca rolled her eyes. She hadn’t even been with Adore for a week, there is no possible way she could love her.

“What do you know about love?” Bianca grumbled.

“Well, I don’t know much. But I fall easily for people. I know when I love someone, and what you did for Adore you wouldn’t do for anyone. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say one bad thing about Adore.” Jinkx admitted.

Bianca had never read Adore, especially not the way she would read Jinkx, Lady Bunny, Courtney, etc. What other queens classified as “reads” from Bianca, were actually truth bombs. But since she said them while she wore a wig, everyone thought she was joking.

“She’s not a moron that’s why.” Bianca finally said. She decided not to answer the other half of Jinkx’ statement and let her silence on the matter be the answer.

“We should probably leave this room now.” Jinkx awkwardly suggested. There was obviously no getting through to Bianca, she thought.

“You think?” Bianca snorted as she heard the music on the main stage start. It usually played for a few minutes before the queens walked down the runway. They left the room and rushed to their seats at the judges’ panel.

——-

“First up, we have Katya!” Ru announced.

Adore wasn’t first? That was weird, Bianca thought. It was All Stars so anything goes, she guessed.

Katya came out on the runway in a black and gold lace gown with a full skirt. It was also a high low cut. Her hair was a short shoulder length bob that was permed.

That was definitely a classic Katya choice. Bianca didn’t know her that well, but she knew her well enough to know that she was quirky enough to wear something like that.

“Black and gold eleganza!” Ru exclaimed.

“What’s she hiding underneath that skirt?” Michelle asked.

“Come through!” Violet yelled and Katya winked. She exited the runway and waved bye to the judges.

“Next up, Alyssa Edwards!” Ru called.

Alyssa came out on the runway in a long red one shoulder gown complete with ruffles down the skirt. The shoulder was completely bedazzled with red rubies and she had her hair to the side. She looked good, Bianca would give her credit for that look. It was definitely a much more polished Alyssa.

“That is beautiful.” Violet commented.

“Everything’s coming up roses!” Michelle exclaimed.

“She’s got a scarlet letter girl.” Ru laughed.

Alyssa winked at the judges and finished her walk down the runway.

“Next up Adore Delano!” Ru exclaimed.

Adore walked out on the runway, looking like a true queen in the beautiful gold gown Bianca had bought her at the store in the mall.

She had chosen to wear her shoulder length black wig with the platinum blonde pieces in it, and pair it with a bright sky blue lip. She was also wearing the same shade of blue on her pair of plastic heels. She was cinched as well, and looked breathtaking. The stage lights reflected off of her golden tulle skirt and made it look angelic.

“Incredible.” Bianca murmured.

Jinkx and Violet nodded their heads and agreed.

“Silence is golden, or in this case Adore Delano is golden.” Ru commented.

Bianca snorted. Some of the shit Ru says is so damn cheesy.

Adore smiled as she walked towards the side of the stage to do a spin. She smiled even bigger at Bianca, exposing all of her pearly white teeth. It was in that moment, that Bianca felt her heart skip a beat and her hands became clammy. She had only felt this way about one other man, and that was a very long time ago. But she knew that what she was feeling was love. It scared the living shit out of her, especially since Adore wasn’t even interested in being with her right now.

But she was in love with her. Bianca had to accept it at this point. Her pale blue lips, infectious laugh, and her unique style were mesmerizing. There would never be anyone like Adore. No one would be able to capture Bianca’s heart the way she did.

She would just have to wait for her to forgive her. She would wait forever if that were the case. But Bianca realized now that Adore was perfect for her in every way.

Adore walked back down the runway and turned to smile at the judges one last time. Her smile always seemed to take her breath away. Bianca smiled back at her, and just like that she had disappeared behind the stage.

—–

“Now ladies, we are here to give you your final critiques. Let’s start with Katya.” Ru suggested.

“I love how much of a different look this is for you. On our season, you still provided amazing looks but this is so polished.” Violet commented.

“I could live without the skirt. But other than that, I love it and couldn’t be more proud of everything you have overcome. Your part of the rap and the dance number was so amazing.” Michelle admitted.

“Thank you.” Katya nodded.

“Alyssa Edwards! Hey girl.” Ru smiled.

“Hello mama Ru.” Alyssa answered.

“This is a classic Alyssa look-but better. So polished and so refined. You know I love my pageant girl dresses and pageant girl hair. I loved the dancing in the number tonight as well.” Michelle gushed.

“I don’t know shit about fashion, but I know I love this look. You’ve come such a long way since our season, in almost every avenue so condragulations.” Jinkx laughed.

“Then we have Adore!” Ru gushed.

“Adore, this look is amazing. To see where you came from on Season 6, to now at the final episode of All Stars 2; it’s amazing the transformation you’ve made. Your rap was also very funny and very you. Yeah, I haven’t always liked your aesthetic but you really outdid yourself tonight. If I could cry, I would.” Michelle said.

Adore teared up at the comment and wiped a tear from out of the corner of her eye.

“Thank you.” Adore answered.

“Now Adore,” Bianca started.

Adore fixated her blue eyes onto Bianca’s and saw her eyes were glassy as well. She smiled softly and nodded her head, encouraging Bianca to continue.

“I am so proud of you. You look beautiful.” Bianca smiled.

When the judges turned to look at her funny for not making a witty remark, she added

“Sorry bitches, but she looks the best out of all of y'all.”

“We all know Bianca is not biased in her judgement.” Ru winked.

The queens laughed and Adore was staring at Bianca. Not even after everything that had happened, Bianca couldn’t read her. She was surprised to see she had left her blue contacts out tonight. She could see her brown eyes deepening under the stage lights, as she continued to scan Adore’s face. She smiled at her and got lost in her eyes as well. No matter what, there would always be something between the two of them. Her feelings for her would probably never go away, but she needed to explore things with someone else while Bianca found herself.

“Ladies, I have one final question. Why should you, and not your competitors be crowned the next All Star?” Ru asked.

“We’ll start with Katya.”

“I have brought you uniqueness, and talent. Not so sure about charisma, we’ll see after I’m done with this speech.”

Bianca cackled and the room erupted into laughter.

“Michelle would probably say I have nerve for wearing this dress. Which is fine. I want this so bad, and I just want to thank you for believing in me Ru.” Katya teared up.

“Of course darling. Thank you Katya.” Ru answered sweetly.

“Alyssa Edwards, you’re up!”

“Charisma. Check. Uniqueness. A plus. Nerve? Y'all are well aware of it by now. Talent? Yes gawd! I believe I deserve this title because I am one of a kind. You aren’t ever going to see another Alyssa Edwards. I’m memorable and I will do everything I can to carry on your legacy as an All Star.” Alyssa explained.

“Thank you Alyssa. Last but not least, Adore.”

Adore gulped nervously and looked at all of her peers around her. There were a lot of amazing queens in the room with her right now, she realized. She had made it to this point by herself. She had redeemed herself and shown America that she could get to the top 3 without Bianca’s help.

“I’m sorry, I’m getting like super emotional. This has been such an eye opening experience for me. I think I deserve it over my competitors because I had the most growth out of all of these talented ladies. I have shown that I have grown as an artist and as a person, and I can take that new knowledge with me and expand your platform even more Ru. Thank you for everything you have done for me, you’ve changed my life.” Adore explained teary eyed.

“Thank you Adore.” Ru said.

Bianca had gotten teary eyed watching Adore give that beautiful speech on stage. All of them were good, but hers was the best in her opinion.

“Now, I have some news.” Ru said.

The crown and scepter were sitting on a pillow over on the side of the stage. Adore and everyone else had assumed the crowning would be today, and the reunion would be in a year. Just like it was with the first season of All Stars.

“We will not be crowning anyone today. We will be doing that at our finale, drag race reunited!” Ru exclaimed.

Adore’s heart sank. So she would have to wait a year basically to find out if she was going to win the crown. She was going to have to wait no matter what, but she still would’ve liked to have been crowned today. That’s why she chose the dress she did.

“So tell me America, are you Team Adore, Team Alyssa, or Team Katya? Let me know on social media. And remember, if you can’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love somebody else can I get an amen up in here?”

Everyone chanted Amen and the music started pumping through the set.

All Stars 2 was over. Adore had made it.

—-

Adore was the last one to get her things out of the workroom. She grabbed her suitcases full of clothes, wigs, jewelry and makeup and walked outside of the studio. It was 5 pm, the sun was starting to set and she was still in her gold gown and full makeup.

“Fancy seeing you here.”

Adore turned around to see Bianca leaning against the wall. She must’ve been waiting for her uber as well.

“Hey. Thanks for not reading me to filth.” Adore said shyly. Bianca smiled.

“You know good and well I would never read you Adore.” Bianca said as she moved to stand next to her.

“That means a lot, thank you.” Adore murmured.

Bianca smiled and put her arm around Adore.

“Ugh, you’re so tall in these heels queen. But I have to say, you made this dress look incredible.” Bianca

admired.

“I’m sorry, I’m like a giraffe!” Adore laughed. Bianca was fixated on her smile as the sunlight hit her face. She was so beautiful and so free.

“Adore?” Bianca asked.

Adore turned to look at Bianca. She was so perfect with her smooth skin and dark lips. She wished she was in a better state of mind, maybe they could’ve actually worked out.

“Yes baby?” Adore asked.

Bianca was only inches away from her at this point. Adore was frozen in time as she felt her pull her to her lips. They met softly, but then Adore closed the distance between them and pulled Bianca close to her. Their mouths moved in unison and Adore slipped her tongue in Bianca’s mouth as she grabbed her neck. Adore moaned as she felt the grab and then realized what she was doing.

“Bianca I-”

Bianca grabbed a fist full of hair and started moving up her lips up her neck. Adore moaned and lost her train of thought as Bianca closed in on her again. She felt her trailing down from her neck to her chest where she bit down and sucked, trying to leave a hickey.

“Bianca stop, I can’t.” Adore pushed Bianca off of her gently. Bianca looked at her with wide eyes. Their lipsticks were all over each other and then some, there was a lovely mix between the two shades all over Bianca’s face.

“Why not?” Bianca finally asked. Both queens were breathing heavily trying to catch their breath.

“Because! You don’t know what you want B! You tell me to leave and be free and then you’re here kissing me. It’s fucking confusing.” Adore exclaimed.

“I want you Adore. I’m stupid, I should’ve never let you go.” Bianca said trying to grab her hand. Adore shook it off.

“No. You can’t just decide when you want me B. I can’t do this. Not until you get better. Maybe you just need a break from dating. Cuz you broke my fucking heart.” Adore tearfully said.

“I never meant to break your heart Adore…” Bianca frowned. Her eyes were getting red again, she felt like crying with Adore.

“Bianca, no Roy. I have to go. Please just take care of yourself. Take a break from dating. It’ll spare yourself and whoever you’re with the heartbreak.” Adore said.

Adore’s uber had pulled up. She sighed and started getting her suitcases together to load in the trunk.

“Adore.” Bianca stated.

Adore turned around, her long dark curly hair flowing in the wind. Her makeup was ruined, lipstick was all over her face and chest and her eyeliner and mascara were nonexistent. But Bianca had never seen her look more beautiful and free.

“I love you.” Bianca said.

Adore’s eyes widened at the 3 words. She shook her head and put the last suitcase in her car.

Adore looked at Bianca one last time before she got into her uber. Her usually perfect makeup was anything but perfect right now as she stared at her.

“Goodbye, Bianca.” Adore said trying to keep her voice from cracking.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON PRISM’S MAIN VOCAL YANG JIHYUN…

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: anita CURRENT AGE: 27 DEBUT AGE: 21 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 16 COMPANY: MSG

IDOL IMAGE

she’s got an earnest smile. the kind the stretches from ear to ear and lights up her eyes.

that’s what gets her into prism.

not the singing, not the manufactured beauty; the earnest smile that lights up a room.

“people want to feel happy, want someone to make them happy.” a sunbae tells her once after a grueling practice session. “you know kings used to hire jesters to entertain them. idols are like that, people pay to see us to make them happy. they don’t want anything real from us, they want overwhelming joy, and sex appeal, and whatever they’re not getting out of their own miserable lives. you’re a prize on a pedestal, that’s all you’ll ever be.”

jihyun takes it to heart, callousness aside.

no one wants her faults, her folly. they want the girl with the earnest smile who sings prettily and works hard for their love. that’s the girl that earns them praise, not the other flawed human being no one bothers to acknowledge.

she bloodies her feet to be a better dancer, spends hours upon hours practicing the phrasing of songs for a better performance, waste hours in front of mirrors trying to determine how to look her prettiest.

it’s all vanity born out of a desire to please. born out of a desire to be adored.

and they praise her for it. they call her pretty, call her lovely, lavish a false sense of identity onto her because she has an earnest smile and works hard for their love.

“a good girl,” they call her, “a girl to take home and admire.” a girl to never throw away.

it’s all she wants, even if it’s bullshit. love, even if it’s conditional, adoration even if it’s temporary. if she breaks her back to get what she wants so be it, so long as they love her it’s worth the excruciating effort to kill herself and make someone the nation can love.

IDOL HISTORY

WINTER ‘99

it’s cold the day eomma goes to the store and doesn’t come back.

jihyun doesn’t understand until years later why she’s crying as she puts on her shoes.

“jihyun don’t you want to come with me?” she keeps asking, while blackened tears roll down her cheeks. “don’t you want to come to the store with me?”

“no.”

she says it once, says it twice, says it three times. never getting why eomma continues to ask.

“it’s cold,” she elaborates, “appa will be home soon, he said we’d go play at the arcade today.”

it happens in a flurry. eomma rushes over, brings jihyun into her arms and sobs into small shoulders.

“i’m sorry, jihyun.” she cries, “say you’ll forgive me one day. please say you will.”

jihyun only pats her on the back. eomma cries a lot, appa says she’s just made of water and needs to let it out a lot.

eventually eomma lets go. eventually eomma wipes her eyes, fixes her clothes and walks out the door and never comes back.

appa comes back hours later and asks no questions.

“life works like this,” he tells his daughter.

SUMMER ‘04

appa leaves behind a guitar, a box of cassettes, a denim jacket, and a rack of debt.

“useless until the end,” halmeoni mumbles under her breath.

it’s hot in his apartment, and the stench of death still lingers a day after the cleaners come. halabeoji excuses himself and blames the grief, halmeoni blames the smell.

her fingers draw absent-minded patterns on the sleeve of the jacket. it’s too hot to wear it, halabeoji keeps telling her to take it off but jihyun stays poised, wrapped in appa’s jacket that still smells like tobacco and aftershave; still smells like appa.

when halabeoji comes back stinking of alcohol and cigarettes, he wraps his arms around jihyun and tells her they’re going to jeonju in the morning, halabeoji, halmeoni, and herself.

“the rest of your father’s stuff will get sent to us. don’t worry, i won’t let that old woman throw everything away.”

jihyun still keeps the jacket on anyways, just for safe keeping she says.

SPRING ‘07

she comes back from seoul with a broken dream.

there’s no space for a round-faced girl with clumsy guitar playing skills. no space for girls trying to chase the dreams of her failed father in a bid to collect another trace of him. there’s no space for the yang jihyuns of the world in the entertainment business.

there are prettier girls, more charismatic girls, more talented girls. girls more deserving of the time and energy it takes to train a girl into a woman every wants to know, wants to be. chubby little yang jihyun doesn’t have what it takes to make it anywhere.

“come back next year,” one scout tells her, “lose some weight, learn how to play guitar a little bit better and maybe i’ll say yes then.”

she promises she will.

AUTUMN ‘08

she weighs nine kilograms less when msg gives her a second chance.

back home everyone tells her how pretty she’s become, how talented she is. but her company takes one look at her and tells her she ought to get her nose fixed, her eyes too.

“you’re nothing really spectacular,” her vocal coach says after a long session, “but i guess the potential is there isn’t it?”

it’s all fodder to push her a little harder, make her a little better. jihyun licks her wounds in the darkness of her dorm room and cries to no one when her ego is ripped to shreds again and again.

WINTER ‘15

the charm of fame wears off eighteen months in. ends between the sixth and seventh singles around the same time jihyun falls off the side of a stage after the lights dim and a doctor tells her two days later that she has anemia and needs to slow down.

“if i slow down they’ll leave me behind,” she tells him as he pokes and prods at her, “if i stop people will forget about me. i’d rather drop dead.”

he only looks at her with a terse sort of expression before signing the release for her to return to work.

“kids these days.” she hears him mumble under his breath as she leaves.

SUMMER ‘17

halmeoni leaves a voicemail.

says she looks too thin, too tired, that even the tv cameras can’t cover the fact that she needs to rest.

“you’re not the happy little girl that wanted to go to seoul and write songs that people loved anymore. you’re just a tired looking stranger now. jihyun you have to find the time to take care of yourself.”

jihyun deletes the message, doesn’t bother to return the call.

there’s no time for the yang jihyuns of the world who fear becoming cowards like their mother or dying in obscurity like their father. the world spins madly on, her with it.

there’s too much to do. she’s to busy with fighting msg to give her a chance to demonstrate she’s more than just another little doll to sing prettily. she aches, to write to perform something of value for once, to make something worth her while. but the response remains the same.

next time. next time. next time.

in the end, she settles like they tell her to. one b-side per comeback. another song to forget about, but enough to keep her quiet and obedient.

WINTER ‘18

it catches up with her all at once.

ten years running at breakneck speed, a lifetime of avoiding ugly truths. it all hits her like a ton of bricks during an idle moment on some unexceptional tuesday afternoon.

her manager finds her locked in the bathroom, a sobbing mess that reminds her of a stranger she hasn’t seen in nineteen years.

it takes thirty-three minutes to convince her to come out of the room.

the doctor calls it nervous exhaustion. says she ought to lessen her stress anyway she can, ought to calm down and take a step back to reconvene with everything.

“i can’t do that,” she sobs in an ugly sort of fashion. vulnerability like this doesn’t suit her, girls like her ought to lick their wounds in private. “i can’t fucking do it.”

she’s all white knuckles and crescent-shaped blood pricks. this is anita of prism, this is yang jihyun at twenty-seven. a giant heaving ball who’s back shakes with sobs, unable to make sense of anything anymore.

“it’s okay,” the doctor tells her in a soft voice, “you’ll be all right.”

it ends with a drug prescription and a bleary-eyed yang jihyun being escorted out of the hospital with her manager holding her hand.

the fragility doesn’t suit her.

SUMMER ‘19

“jihyun, are you alright?” “jihyun, did you eat?” “jihyun, did you sleep?” “jihyun, are you taking care of yourself?”

all the voicemails from halmeoni sound the same. fretful concern and the overbearing tones of a matriarch with little to rule over. they all have the same sentiment, all a desperate plea for her jihyun to stop, to slow down and reconsider what it means to be yang jihyun.

“halmeoni,” she always replies, “i’m doing well. i’m taking care of myself, i’m taking my medication.”

“good,” halmeoni always says, “you know you’re my only grandchild and i worry about you. all i want is your happiness.”

jihyun always ends the call too early, halmeoni doesn’t need to hear her choked sobs.

she’ll get better at this, she promises.