#currently obsessed with a ten minute song that is singing for the whole ten minutes

[quatregats]

I think it's good for your health to get obsessed with a ten minute song every once in a while. Stimulation for the enclosure or something

[j4gm]

Obsidian lore thread!

Sharing this thread of lore, episode connections, and Easter eggs from Adventure Time: Distant Lands: Obsidian, originally written for my Twitter.

SPOILERS AHEAD, WATCH OBSIDIAN ON HBO MAX IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY

Keep reading for the full thread!

1) We've seen bombs scattered around the Land of Ooo before, but this is the first time we've seen the word "fission", confirming that they are nukes. Although we have seen the radiation roundel plenty of times so it's pretty obvious.

2) The "magic lightning" that created the Glass Kingdom could itself have been one of the nukes. Alternatively, it could have been the catalyst comet, although Finn has no connection to this place so that's probably not the case.

3) The subtitles for the first four minutes video suggested that Glassboy was saying "crap" here. However, the HBO Max subtitles confirm he is actually saying "crack".

4) All of Marceline's classic furniture is present, but Bubblegum's influence is very visible; a doily on the couch, a flask underneath, new barstools from the Candy Kingdom, and the pink lamp in the bedroom, just to name a few examples.

5) Lady Rainicorn slippers. That is all.

6) Chocoberry on the cover of a magazine. Looks like she's been dipped in white chocolate for this shoot.

7) This is the first time we've seen Choose Goose since he appeared as "Achoos Goose" in the Elements miniseries. Last time we saw his normal form was all the way back in season five's "Blade of Grass", nearly seven years ago. Is it weird that Choose Goose was the first thing in the episode to make me cry?

8) It appears that Princess Bubblegum has not rebuilt the Gumball Guardians since they were destroyed in the battle against GOLB.

9) There are lots of familiar candy people in and around the tavern, from a variety of seasons, including Kenneth, Dirt Beer Guy, Cherry Cream Soda, a Banana Guard 500, Lollipop Girl, and Smudge.

10) Simon is of course singing "Remember You". He is also using the omnichord that was used in that episode. Interestingly, this suggests he might remember some of his experiences as the Ice King.

11) This isn't the first time Dirt Beer Guy's tavern has hosted an open mic night. He also held one in "Son of Rap Bear", and even used the same banner, although it's looking a little tattered and worn out now.

12) Simon doesn't look any older than he did in the finale. This might mean that Betty's wish made him immortal, or it simply might not have been long enough for him to visibly age.

13) This is the oversized shirt given to Marceline by her father in the episode "Marcy & Hunson". It's looking a little faded these days.

14) Bubblegum's outfit is of a similar style to the one in "The Vault", but it's not the same. The fact she's not wearing her amulet might suggest this flashback takes place after "The Vault", but nothing is known for certain.

15) There are gravestones outside Marceline's house, but these actually aren’t new. They previously appeared in “Go With Me”. So don’t worry, these don’t belong to Jake or anything like that.

16) Simon's coping mechanism would be funny if it wasn't so sad. It's going to be a long time before he fully recovers. On a lighter note, the magnets on the fridge say "M PB" which is pretty cute.

17) This is our first time seeing the outside of Elise's van. We previously saw the interior in "Everything Stays". Also, we learned from the credits and subtitles that her name is Elise!

18) Previously, it wasn't known whether or not Elise survived the Mushroom War. Turns out she did... but not for long. It's also now unclear whether the flashback from "Everything Stays" happened before or after the war.

19) A nice little timeline detail: Marceline travelling with her mother for a while explains the awkward two year gap between the Mushroom War and the events of "Simon & Marcy".

20) Here's a comparison of the parts of Marceline's song that got corrupted into the current version. The Glass People got really obsessed with the idea of the song being about coconuts for some reason.

21) PB yelling "Scree!" to summon the Morrow is a callback all the way to the season two episode "Death in Bloom", which is when the Morrow made their debut.

22) Disease is added to the long list of things that helped wipe out humanity. I wonder if this disease is related to the one that Hugo and his crew gave to the grays in the BMO special. I also wonder if Marceline is immune thanks to her demon half.

23) The mutant puppy was able to say the word "wassup". Perhaps this is a halfway stage to the talking animals that now populate the Land of Ooo.

24) Turns out Marceline discovered her demon powers before she defeated the Fool. This is the first appearance of these kinds of soulless husks since "It Came From the Nightosphere" in season two.

25) This is the first new candy power we've seen Princess Bubblegum use since she learned how to create mints and soda in "Jelly Beans Have Power".

26) Marceline not caring about the glass people is very in line with her personality in the early seasons, such as when she was happy to let her father suck souls as long as she got her bass back.

27) No Easter egg here, just an extremely good image.

28) Here's the screenshot leaked by Adam Muto last month. Like the gas station in "Bonnibel Bubblegum", the graffiti here tells an interesting story. Seems like the Land of Ooo had a bit of a Mad Max phase while the humans were still around.

29) This is (as far as I know) only the second time an Adventure Time character has ever been shown bleeding. The first was the heart monster in "The Enchiridion", but that was a lot less realistic.

30) The fact that humans survived long enough to construct a whole Fallout-style bunker confirms that the near-extinction of humanity wasn't a quick process. It makes you wonder whether any other groups made it, besides the Islanders.

31) Apart from this being one of the darkest scenes in the entire show, I like the background detail of bank notes being used as toilet paper.

32) Marceline grew up blaming herself for her mother leaving, and says she is like her dad. It sounds like Elise has told Marceline a bit about Hunson Abadeer, and is scared and angry at him.

33) This actually isn't the first time Marceline's bass has been broken. She also snapped the handle during her fight with the Vampire King. However, it's never been completely shattered like this.

34) This might be a reference to the Hall of Egress. That's the only other time we've heard Bubblegum use that word.

35) Confirmation that Princess Bubblegum doesn't have bones. I guess that counts as lore?

36) The gag of the Banana Guards slipping over each other was also done in "The Thin Yellow Line" and probably some other episodes I'm forgetting.

37) Jake’s granddaughter Bronwyn is certainly an unexpected appearance. I wonder what affiliation she has with the main cast now?

38) And of course... FINN! I would estimate he's aged about five to ten years since the finale, but it's hard to tell with Adventure Time's style. He looks younger than he did in Puhoy's alternate future.

39) Lots of people have been theorising that the tattoo implies that something unfortunate has happened to Jake. Perhaps we'll get to know more about that in Together Again. Let's not dwell on it for now.

40) A canon origin story for the shirt, plus a Bubbline first meeting! This overrides the P.B. & Marcy comic, and re-contextualises a whole bunch of the old Bubbline episodes!

That’s all for now! Let me know if you can think of anything I missed!

[lilallama]

What's cc ideal Christmas with y\n

As Christmas songs played and the smell of freshly baked goods spread through the halls, seven boys were watching Namjoon's servants decorating the almost ten metres tall Christmas tree. "Couldn't you have afforded a better Christmas tree, Namjoon?" Seokjin eyed the tree with distaste while Namjoon clicked his tongue and threw him a glare. "We're not here to fight, guys." Hoseok pushed his glasses up with a smile, "We're here to celebrate with Y/n." The shortest boy, Jimin was now crossing his arms and pouting while staring across the white, golden front hall to the unnecessary tall front door. "When are they coming, I'm getting bored!" "Jimin," His best friend scolded him, "Don't rush Y/n. I'm sure they'll arrive any minute now."

As if summoned the door bell rang, leading all the boys to race to open the door. Namjoon finally opened the doors, revealing Y/n. "Y/n!" They all chimed in union as Y/n stepped inside closing the doors behind them. Their (lean, petite, plush, broad etc.) body shivered slightly from the cold. "Merry Christmas, guys!" All of them stormed and wrapped Y/n in their arms, a cosy group hug with their love in the centre. "I missed my boys too!" Was said by the personification of perfection as they let out that wonderful, cheery laugh they all desired to be surrounded by at all times.

"I even brought presents for you all!" Only now did they notice the bag they were carrying with them. The boys roared in excitement, confusion or shock. "Awe, Prince/Princess, that was so not necessary. I already have everything, well unless your gift is a rendevouz with just the two of us." The others groaned and complained in outrage. Such behaviour was unacceptable of their club member! "No way, if anyone takes them out it's me!" Jimin pulled them closer to him as he nuzzled himself into their shoulder. "The fuck!? No way you will!" The youngest, Jeongguk practically barked at Jimin who only started whining to Y/n. "Baby, Jeonggukie's being mean again!" To which the others all groaned, except for Yoongi who fiddled with his worn out sweater.

A few moments later they were sitting in Namjoon's room. Seeing how huge it was, way bigger than the run down apartment Yoongi shared with his mother, made the young boy feel self conscious. He could never give Y/n what the others could. Not only money wise, but he also didn't see himself as charismatic or handsome as the others. Y/n sensed that something was off. Their focus layed on the fragile boy while the others discussed whether white- or dark chocolate was better. "You okay, Yoongs?" Y/n asked him as he jumped slightly. He was about to respond but felt his dry throat. Not a single sound could he force out so he just nodded before looking away nervously. Y/n knew he would continue to deny any problem, so they ruffled his fluffy white- blonde hair and joined the conversation of the other boys. Meanwhile Yoongi was staring at them with hearts shining in his irises. Hoseok was the only one to have noticed that interaction between the two. He pretended to not have noticed the lovestruck gaze of his elder towards his best friend. Yet he still threw him a dangerous stare from the corner of his eye.

"Y/n! I heard of a really fun game, you wanna play with me?" The others threw Jimin a sceptical look. "If this is about the mistletoe again-" "No," the pink haired boy let out a huff, "I told you all, that was just a joke." "Joke my ass, you almost kissed Y/-" Jeongguk was interrupted, "Y/n! How about it, mhm?" "Depends." Y/n looked at the puppy eyed boy leaning towards them. "What game are you talking about?" His eyes lit up as he grabbed a Christmas tree shaped cookie decorated with green, red and yellow sugar cream and put one side between his teeth. "I'll show you, grab the other piece with your theeth but try not to break it." The elder (gender) shook their head at Jimin's "game". "Basically the poky game but with cookies?" Asked Hoseok confused. Namjoon leaned towards Hoseok. "What's 'the poky game'?" Meanwhile Y/n decided to play along. Slowly both nibbled their way along the cookie which was more difficult than expected. Jimin closed his eyes and waited for their lips to touch when Y/n "accidentally" bit their piece off. "Oops, looks like you won Jimin." The disappointed look only lasted for a secobd before his eyes lit up and he quickly devoured his part if the cookie. He hurried over to Taehyung and whispered to him. "Their lips touched my cookie piece!" "Really? How lucky! Was there a bit saliva on there?" To that jimin only smirked.

They decided to watch some Christmas movies before giving each other presents. As Y/n was emerged into the story of another busy businesswoman meeting a no risk no fun attitude yielding guy and fell in love with him over time, Taehyung couldn't tear his eyes away from them. Slowly his gaze met their lips, he couldn't stop thinking about what Jimin said earlier. To imagine getting to taste even a bit of their saliva was giving him pleasant chills. But he quickly tried to regain himself. How could he think about such a thing? He knew he had to stop, after all lust was a sin. He's not a sinner! But the mere thought of them pressing their lips unto his made him almost let out ungodly sounds.

"Joonie." Namjoon's head turned to his beloved. "Yes, dear?" "Thank you for inviting me. Tonight has been really fun!" That left Namjoon to smile softly, presenting his lovely dimples. "No need to thank me. Without you none of this would've been enjoyable." His statement had Y/n chuckle and squish his cheeks. "Stop being so sweet to me, you big teddy." As soon as their hands brushed his cheeks he felt his whole body stiffen and heat up. His eyes were filled with love and adoration. How could they make his poor heart beath even faster than it already did every time he's in their presence? But he only ended up shyly smiling and bashfully returning to the movie.

Soon the movies were turned off, instead the room was filled with Christmas songs. Currently they played Last Christmas while eating the cookies. A few of them, including Y/n, started singing along to the song and having a blast. Y/n dramatically sang along pointing to Hoseok, their best friend. He chuckled a bit then covered his mouth as they continued to act silly. Eventually he broke out into full on laughter. His body shook as Y/n continued to dramatically lipsinc to the Christmas song. Usually Hoseok despised those insufferable tunes, Christmas was only useful to sell more products. He couldn't understand how someone could get so excited over such a tacky, money wasting corporate holiday. But Y/n some how made it feel... alright, almost pleasant you could say. Hoseok just loves how silly they are.

The clock told them it was 0 o'clock, finally they would be able to unpack the present their beloved snowflake gifted them. Such honour to be blessed with. "Don't you have gifts for each other?" Y/n furrowed their brows in confusion, so adorable. "Sweetie," Seokjin laughed amused, "Why would I give those baboons anything-?" "What he mean was," Namjoon interrupted Seokjin while throwing him a glare, "we already exchanged them before the holidays. We didn't think we'd celebrate Christmas together this year." "Or ever..." Was muttered by Jeongguk who crossed his arms impatiently and rolled his eyes. "If you keep rolling your eyes like that they'll roll right out their sockets, Gukie~" Hoseok mocked the younger while chuckling along with Seokjin and Namjoon. "No they're not! Eyes don't do that..., right? Y/n that can't happen, right?!" The younger gradually became more panicked. He shoved Jimin aside ("Watch it you muscle pig-") and started grabbing onto Y/n for dear life, or so it felt. "Nothing will happen Jeongguk." They petted his back lightly, leaving Jeongguk to melt and smile a lovesick bunny smile.

The eldest eyed Jeongguk with disgust, how dare that filthy rat touch his Prince/Princess. He cleared his throat and pulled Y/n aside. "I have a special gift for you, love. And no it's not my heart, you already have it." He winked and laughed in his charmingly goofy manner at his cliché flirt attempt. The others glare at them, Jeongguk clenched his fist to the point of his knuckles turning white. But Seokjin didn't let it bother him. "I got you this, I hope you like it." His usually obnoxious and arrogant smile faded into a bashful one as he handed them a little box wrapped in light pink gift wrap. A sparkling white bow was graceful tied ontop making Y/n wonder if he had done it himself. They carefully untie the bow and ripped off the gift wrap revealing a black box. As they opened it, it revealed a beautiful necklace adorned with a brightly shimmering white diamond formed in to shape of a small heart. He helped you put it on, it was perfect. "Do you like it?" He asked with a slight concerned look in his eyes.

They would tare apart the entire universe, pluck star from star that rests within the realm of sight. Time is endless when with you, fear and despair unknown after a look into your shining eyes. No matter how cold it may be, you'll always make their souls burn with such fiery passion and obsession. You are the greatest gift they could've ever gotten.

If you enjoyed reading my work, please reblog it. Thank you for reading!

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Whats your favorite song at the moment

Hey Nonny!

Ooof Too many, hahhaha! Because I don’t leave home anymore, I’m not looking constantly for new music to add to my Playlist, so mostly it’s stuff that I come across on Tumblr and is living rent-free in my head on repeat, or me digging on my harddrives for a nostalgia kick.... currently, these are the top 5 cycling in my head, no particular order:

(EDIT IT’S NOW TEN. I COULDN’T CHOOSE. LISTEN TO THEM ALL. THEY’RE ALL AMAZING)

(EDIT 2 SORRY IT’S NOW 15!! NONNY I’M SO SORRY. I know no one cares, but I LOVE sharing my Music with people)

(EDIT 3 *SIGH* Now 20. :| HELP. Stopping before I get carried away. No one ever likes my music so I love when people ask me for my songs with genuine interest)

Nathan Evans - The Wellerman (220 Kid X Billen Ted Remix) (flashing images CW in video!) – Got into the original of this one during the sea shanty trend, and then this dance remix came out... those of you who know me well, know that I am HOOKED on remixes, especially dance remixes. So I was so happy about this official one.

The Kiffness - Ievan Polkka ft. Bilal Göregen (Club Remix) – This one I got into because I think, again, the original with the blind man was trending, and then I found this remix artist on YouTube from his remix of The Wellerman, and his is SOOOO good!! I loved this song back in the early noughts when it was popular as “Leek Spin”. But then these young folks had to go and make it amazing again!!

ZHU, partywithray - Came For The Low – (LOTS OF FLASHING LIGHTS IN VIDEO CW!) Thank Falcon And the Winter Soldier for this one! It took me a WEEK to find out what song they’re playing in the club in Episode 3 when Zemo’s dancing, and YAY I found this finally (not the one hour one, sadly, still trying to find the song D+ Marvel used for that one). I LOVE IT. LISTEN TO IT. SO good if you like heavy club beats

Sim Gretina - A Friend Like Me (Electro Swing Remix) – This is SATISFYING. I LOVE IT. Found it years ago after that homemade Aladdin carpet video was going viral, and every time it comes up on my playlist, I replay it like 6 times.

Linkin Park - Numb (80′s Remix) – That tumblr meme song that went around years ago? HERE YOU ARE!!! :D This is TOO SHORT and it’s also on repeat when I listen to it. Y’all, this is what depression feels like when you’re trying to pretend to be happy all the time LOL. It’s a whole MOOD. This one is great to blast in the car and have people confused at you singing at the top of your lungs. Like, “I AM NUMB AND AN EDGELORD BUT READY TO PARTY!!!”.

One Ton - Supersexworld – Okay, this is an OLLLLLLDDD one by a one-hit wonder Canadian band that I stumbled upon recently when I was going through my hard drives to find new stuff to put onto my iPhone. I was OBSESSED with this song when it first came out, forgot about it, and NOW... SHIT I can’t STOP. This one is BLARING when I hear it, and am so happy I found it again. It’s simple, amazing, and AWESOME. LISTEN TO IT. You will love it. Please. It’s got one verse and one chorus over and over, and it’s catchy as hell. It’s on my personal Johnlock playlist :D

Deorro - Rise and Shine – GUYS. This song. Also on my personal Johnlock Playlist, this one is SOMETHING. First heard it in my BodyPump class, I NEEDED it. It’s SO GOOD. Jazzy Club Music??? YES PLEASE! Video is all kinds of amazing? YES PLEASE. PLEASE listen to this. I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch (Eiffel 65 Remix) – Is this song a decade old? YES. Has it been on my iPod since it first came out? FUCK YES. Y’all, Eiffel 65 is SO underrated for their remixes. This is one of their best remixes, and it’s the PERFECT walking song. YES I look like an idiot walking to it, but I love it SO MUCH. It’s better than the original, imho.

Gotye feat. Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know (Bastian Van Shield Remix) – LOL I KNOW: sacrilege to remix Gotye, but Y’ALL. This is the DEFINITIVE remix of one of his best songs. Six minutes of pure club beats, and just... ANOTHER perfect walking song that you need to SCREAM at the top of your lungs. Also on my personal Playlist, John POV, that I will share eventually.... it makes sense in the song order on the list, I promise LOL)

Tee Lopes - Marble Zone '12 – Tee Lopes is the official composer for Sonic Mania, hired because of all his AMAZING Classic Sonic remixes he did as a hobby on his YouTube channel. This one has a Tango flavour, and it’s SO good and not long enough. There’s an extended version here. Also love his Flying Battery and Ice Cap remixes. If you love video game music remixes like I do, check out his YT channel. There’s a TONNE there and it’s GREAT music to write to.

Aaron Smith - Dancin’ (KRONO Remix) – I dunno where I first heard this one, but I LOVE it. It’s like trancey club music. It’s beautiful, and WORTH a listen.

Pet Shop Boys - I Wouldn't Normally Do This Kind Of Thing [Extended Nude Mix] – Ooooof this one has been on my faves for a LONG time. Originally heard this on the PSB’s album Disco 2, back when their remixes were this good and long and clubby. I miss these so much. If you want a good club beat to thump your car, this is it my friends.

Informätik - A Matter of Time – FUCK ME I love this song. This is the song that made me want to start a Johnlock playlist. I talk more in length about it on this post here, but yeah, I still just.. MM. It’s just so beautiful and is what got me into EBM music in the first place. I listened to this and a lot of their music quite often in college when I was pining over people. Always the pining and never the requited, LOL. I just really love it. 

Pride and Fall - Paragon – GUYS. This one is SO good. Trancey EBM and just, UGHGGHHGHGHHHG It gives me so many feels. I’ve loved this song for SO many years, and just, still has to be on every iPod I own. It’s beautiful, and the lyrics are beautiful and I wish I was as beautiful as this song, LOL. Please listen and enjoy. Best bit is a 3:11 :D <3

Rammstein - Mein Teil (Pet Shop Boys Remix) – GUYS. This is one of the greatest collabs of all time. I love both Rammstein AND Pet Shop Boys, and was SO EXCITED when they remixed this song for the single. This is the better of the two remixes PSB did for them, and YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO IT. PURE CLUB BLISS. This is the PSB in their remixing best!!!! <3 Plus, it’s SUPER WEIRD to hear these angry Germans backing a club beat, I LOVE IT. Also, it’s literally a song about a true story of literally eating a dick, so.... *shrugs*

Pet Shop Boys - Love Etc. (PSB Mix) – Y’ALL. This is 6 minutes of LITERAL dance music BLISS. A fantastic remix of one of my fave songs from the PSB, which is essentially shitting on the materialism of relationships. And I love this one, it’s a great work out and car song. Honestly PLEASE listen to it.

Apoptygma Berzerk - Kathy’s Song (Beborn Beton Remix) – GUYYYYYYYYYsSSSS I love this song so much. The original is much slower, and I discovered Beborn Beton FROM this song (another great artist, check them out). This song is just, a great dance song, and just makes me scream out when I hear it. Full volume, beautiful song, beautiful lyrics. It’s my Android!lock headcanon song, but it is also on my JL Personal Playlist, LOL.

Darude vs. Robert Miles - Children of the Sandstorm – One of the BEST MASHUPS in the world, and I am CERTAIN it is an official one; I was obsessed with mashups when I was in college so I have a TONNE of them, but this one has always been a fave, and I still jam to it over a decade later. Seriously, these songs SEAMLESSLY blend together, it’s fantastic. Classic club and trance? HELLS YES. 

Eminem - Nobody Listen to Techno (Deep Dish Mix) – Another nostalgia hit for me. Is it pointless? Not if I enjoy it!! I LOVE this song. Deep Dish mixes were THE JAM in my college years, and like, this is just 9 minutes of PURE techno with some of his song “Without Me” sampled throughout. I LOVE IT. SO MUCH. This is a banger, and just, if you need music to listen to while driving or writing, this is one for you!!

Rammstein feat. Sharleen Spiteri - Stirb Nicht Vor Mir (Don't Die Before I Do) – And to bring the mood WAYYY down, did you know Rammstein did a love song? A beautiful, moves-me-to-tears love song? Because I did and it’s one of my FAVE songs by them. It’s SO beautiful, and the Till’s harsh voice WORKS for it. It’s gentle and soothing. It’s a German/English duet, and it makes me nearly cry EVERY TIME. Because I imagine John and Sherlock and then I die inside LOL. It’s so beautiful and I listen to this one years after it was released. Look up the translation, it is so beautiful.

AND if you guys happen to like any of these songs, copy the youtube video link and use this :)

Most of these that aren’t silly are on my Johnlock playlist, so do give the latter songs a listen! <3 I’m sorry for adding more than five... I just really love sharing things with you guys I like because I’m so lonely, LOL.

If any of y’all are playing these and trying to pick me up, *finger guns* Let’s go get cake and jam :D

AHH I like when I get asks like this! Sorry I took so long Nonny, but I just kept ADDING to it, as you can see. Had to stop because I could keep going.

[celosiaa]

Submission by @entitynumber5: Hi Connor, I hope you’re having a WONDERFUL birthday and that you get to take a break from studying to do the things you enjoy and just have the lovely day you deserve!!! For this morning’s “write what I like” sprint (trying a new method of getting it all out before I have to put the brain into study mode), I wrote a lil something about 🎃 spooky season birthdays 🎃set in the Emmaverse… which turned out kind of long and a bit sappy. So there is no pressure to read it! I just love these characters :’) the working title is “Martin and Jon get proven wrong by an adorable five year old”.

Content warnings: brief mentions of blood, alcohol and minor injury (in relation to Martin working a Halloween paramedic shift); food.

Emma is obsessed with birthdays. Just not her own.

She turned five in May, and no matter how special they tried to make the day—with rainbow layer cake and carefully-selected presents and a visit to the roller-skating rink with her best friends—she didn’t seem half as excited as when it was someone else’s birthday. She would hardly sleep the night before friends’ parties. She spent hours wrapping the presents she picked for them with ribbons and bows and even confetti stuffed inside the paper. The only time they could encourage her to practice the piano for her weekly lessons was when she played the Happy Birthday song over FaceTime for her friends’ birthdays that were during school holidays.

The only thing Emma seems to have held onto from her own birthday is the notebook given to her Georgie and Melanie. Martin seems to remember there being two: one with little cartoon ghost drawn in the front by Georgie and the other with a scribble of the Admiral by Melanie. But Emma only carries the one around with her everywhere, and Martin is starting to doubt his own memory about there being a duplicate.

She has it with her now, as they sit outside the lecture theatre where Jon is currently teaching. In the too-big chair beside the door, her legs swing as she holds the notebook very close, staring intently at its pages while she wriggles her fluffy purple pen in thought.

“Daddy,” Emma says, in that voice that means she has a Very Serious Question, “When is your birthday?”

Martin is still a little dazed from nearly a week of night shifts. It’s the first time in six days that he hasn’t been working or sleeping at this time in the afternoon, and while walking with Emma to Jon’s work to surprise him at the end of the day seemed like a nice idea in practice, he really wishes he was lying on the sofa. They could be watching Peppa Pig for the thousandth time. Or getting started on dinner, which he isn’t going to let Jon make after a long day of teaching. He’s been mentally calculating how many hours it is until he can go to bed, how many tasks he has to do before then.

This feels like a selfish thought, though, and he pushes it aside quickly in favour of smiling at Emma. “My birthday?”

“Yes,” Emma replies, still very grave, “That’s what I said. At school today, Miss Jones made us all put stickers on the big calendar on the wall for our birthdays. I wrote down all of my friends’ birthdays.”

“That’s nice.”

“And now I want to write down yours.”

“Okay, well, my birthday is next month.”

Emma frowns. “Next month. That’s…” she counts on her fingers until she seems to reach the answer she’s looking for. “October?”

“It is!” Martin grins. “Well done.”

Emma’s little frown doesn’t ease. “What day?”

“Well, do you know how many days are in October?”

Emma thinks. Shakes her head.

“There are thirty-one days in October,” Martin tells Emma, “And my birthday is on the very last day.”

Emma nods and returns to her notebook, slowly enunciating the words as she writes them down: “Oc-to-ber three-one.”

Martin wonders if Emma realises his birthday coincides with Halloween. Besides birthdays, she still doesn’t seem too interested in dates, no matter how many times her teacher makes her write them at the top of every page in her workbook. And during previous years, they celebrated Martin’s birthday the day before or after Halloween itself, so they can separate the two events, although perhaps she doesn’t remember.

Before Martin can ask, the door of the lecture theatre opens and students start filing out. Emma puts away her notebook and pen, her frown of concentration replaced by a glowing smile as she waits, bouncing excitedly in the chair, for her Baba to notice them waiting just outside.

*

“Jon,” Martin whisper-shouts as he tiptoes into the house after his shift, hoping he doesn’t wake Emma—but that his husband knows it’s urgent. “Jon, Jon, Jon.”

Jon emerges from the kitchen, wearing a pair of yellow washing up gloves dripping soap suds and a look of alarm. “What’s wrong?”

Martin ushers him back into the kitchen and shuts the door as quietly as possible, hoping it won’t wake Emma—or, worse yet, the cats, who will sit outside any closed door and cry to be let inside no matter what activity they were engaged in before.

“Martin,” Jon says, “What’s going on?”

“They just released the shifts for the next few weeks,” Martin replies, “And I’m working.”

“Well, good. I should hope so.”

“On my birthday.”

Jon’s expression merges into one of comprehension: Emma. And her newfound obsession with birthdays. “Ah.”

“Yep.”

“I don’t suppose you could swap shifts with someone?” Jon asks.

Martin sits down at the table, lowering his head into his hands. He wants to shower, change out of his paramedic uniform, but he knows he won’t be able to focus on anything else until they’ve had this conversation. “No one’s going to willingly take a Halloween shift. For a start, Andrew is terrified of clowns. And people are usually drunk, and it’s actually really hard to tell the difference between real and fake blood.”

“We could celebrate the day after,” Jon says, taking off the washing up gloves and sitting opposite Martin. He reaches across the table to take Martin’s hand. “I mean, you were born five minutes before midnight. It wouldn’t be a lie so much as a… slight shifting of the truth.”

“Jonathan Sims.” Martin gapes across the table at him. “Are you suggesting we lie to our daughter?”

“No!”

“Yes.”

“No, Martin,” Jon says again, “I’m simply suggesting we separate your birthday from Halloween, as we have done every year, and not draw attention to the fact because our daughter is currently obsessed with other peoples’ birthdays.”

“And it might upset her if she knew we were actually celebrating on the wrong day.”

“Exactly.”

Martin sighs. “I don’t know. It feels… sort of wrong.”

“Apparently, children under the age of seven have no concept of the passing of time and—”

“Did Tim tell you that?”

“No.”

“Oh, god. It wasn’t Helen, was it? Please tell me you haven’t been having philosophical discussions about parenting with Helen again.”

“Martin,” Jon interrupts, “It was in the parenting book you gave me.”

“Huh. I don’t remember that chapter. Oh, god, maybe I should re-read it. The whole thing. Beginning to end. I—”

“Martin.” Jon squeezes his hand. “You deserve a day of your own. Tim and Sasha already agreed to take Emma trick-or-treating on Halloween. She will be focused on that for most of the day; she’s already talking about how excited she is. Let us spend the day after that treating you to all the wonderful things you deserve on your birthday—and every day.”

Martin manages a small smile, although every instinct inside of him is telling him not to accept Jon’s proposal. Not because he is worried about the ethics of manipulating their daughter’s concept of time—although this is a concern, too—but because he doesn’t want Jon to feel like he has to do any of this. To make a whole day about him, even if he takes great pleasure and care in doing the same for Jon on his birthday.

“Thanks, Jon,” Martin murmurs.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Now, why don’t you go and have a warm shower? I’ve put the hot water on so it shouldn’t run out while you’re in there this time.”

Martin smirks. “Are you saying I smell?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?” Martin presses, teasing now. “Because I did have to treat a farmer who’d been kicked by one of his cows this evening.”

“Okay, alright, yes. Yes, you smell. Please go and have a shower.”

Martin laughs and gets up from the table. “I’m going, I’m going.”

“That really is disgusting, Martin.”

“It’s actually a pretty funny story. About the farmer, I mean. He’s fine, by the way. I’ll tell you about it when I’m out of the shower.”

Jon shakes his head. “Why today, of all days, have you abandoned the notion of showering before you sit down at the dinner table?”

“I had something important to tell you!”

“Fine. Alright.” Jon shakes his head again. “Now please have a shower. For your sake as much as mine.”

“Love you,” Martin sing-songs as he exits the kitchen. He hears Jon’s gentle laugh chase him into the warmth of the bathroom, where Jon has put on the radiator and left him a fresh towel. He smiles, feeling his love for Jon balloon in his chest, and settles into the sensation being home.

*

Martin’s Halloween—and birthday—shift is so busy that he barely has time to check his phone. Tim has sent an album of photos of him, Sasha and Emma out trick-or-treating, dressed as Mike, Sulley and Boo from Monsters, Inc. Jon has been updating him on the number of trick-or-treaters who have visited their house (fifty-four, as of ten thirty p.m.), and how Iris and the cats are holding up with the constant ringing of the doorbell.

On his break, Martin quickly texts Tim to watch his glucose levels and not to forget his insulin (to which Tim replies yes, sir with a number of yellow heart emojis). He also texts Sasha to say she can take home any of the Skittles they get on their expedition, since they’re her favourite but Emma hates them. He tells Jon he loves him and to give Iris a pet on his behalf and that there’s some spare sweets under the sink, if they’re running low. Then it’s back to work.

The shift passes quickly, in the end. There is so much to do and no time to think about anything other than their patients. He does get given a toffee apple by someone dressed as a Minion at a student house party, and he narrowly avoids getting his face painted by twins who are the same age as Emma while his team are checking their mother’s twisted ankle after a fall trying to get to the door in time for a last-minute delivery of sweets. It’s not an awful shift, but it is, like always, exhausting and difficult in the same measure as it’s rewarding and hopeful.

By the time he gets home, all he wants to do is sleep. Emma is tucked into bed, fast asleep, while her nightlight projects solar systems onto the ceiling. Jon, too, is sleeping soundly with the cats for company. Iris barely looks up from her bed when he comes inside, but she gives a little wag of her tail each time he passes down the hallway to shower or get a drink of water. There’s a plastic pumpkin full of Emma’s sweets on the table, next to the empty bowl that had once been full of treats to hand out to their visitors.

Martin’s smiles—it looks like a night well-spent for his family—and this thought carries him through an exhausted shower before he crawls into bed next to Jon. Jon must be tired, too, because he doesn’t stir. Martin makes a mental note to check his joints aren’t playing up from all the getting up and down from the sofa during the trick-or-treat visits.

Sometime later, Martin wakes to the soft click of the door as it opens. He squints against the light bursting around the edges of the still-shut curtains, expecting to see Jon tiptoeing to the bathroom to get ready for the day. Instead, Emma is creeping inside, holding a tray of pancakes while Jon follows behind, balancing two cups of tea.

“Happy birthday!” Emma says, as she places the tray down on the bed next to Martin. “We made spooky pancakes!”

Martin rubs the sleep from his eyes and sits up fully. He glances at the alarm clock next to the bed: 11:42 a.m. He’s been asleep for just over six hours, but it somehow feels longer and yet not enough. “It’s not—”

Jon clears his throat.

“Oh. Oh, thank you, Emma! These are wonderful.”

The pancakes are, indeed, spooky. Emma has used a pumpkin cookie cutter to shape them and then drawn on funny faces with fruit and syrup. No longer responsible for balancing the tray, Emma looks at Jon, a little uncertain, and Jon nods in encouragement as he places their cups of tea down on the bedside table.

“I made you a present,” Emma says almost shyly.

Martin smiles gently at her. “That’s very kind of you. Thank you, Emma.”

Emma pulls something off the tray. It’s the second notebook, the one Martin thought he’d imagined, wrapped in a glittery silver ribbon and some confetti streamers. She offers it to Martin, and he takes it carefully, holding it as if it might fall apart in his hands.

“You can open it,” Emma tells him seriously.

Martin unwraps the ribbon. Emma takes it from him, along with the confetti, perhaps to reuse for another present. Slowly, Martin cracks open the notebook to the first page. There is Georgie’s ghoulish sketch, alongside a new inscription in Emma’s handwriting: Sorted Poems By Emma K. Blackwood-Sims. For Daddy’s Birthday. October 31.

Martin feels something tender and soft unfurl in his chest, until he’s certain he is going to cry. He begins to flick through the pages, but Emma says: “Wait!”

Martin stops. “What is it?”

“Look.” Emma climbs on to the bed, elbowing her way into the space next to him, and reaches across Martin to open the notebook on the first page again, where her inscription is. She points at her name.

“It’s meant to say assorted poems,” Jon says, “But neither of us were sure how to spell it.”

Martin laughs, the sound a little wet and shaky with the tears he can feel building. Jon hates spelling. It’s his least favourite type of homework to help Emma with.

“Look,” Emma says again, “I wrote my name like yours!”

Martin smiles. “Blackwood-Sims? But that’s your name, too.”

“No,” Emma insists, “Emma K Blackwood-Sims. Like you! Like a proper poet.”

“Oh,” Martin murmurs, “Oh.”

He’s sure he and Jon will laugh about this later. Martin doesn’t actually have a middle name. Emma does, but it certainly doesn’t begin with K. But right now, he feels tears on his cheeks as he takes in his daughter’s hard work.

Emma reaches for his face, patting away his tears with the palms of her hands. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, I promise,” Martin replies, sniffling in an attempt to draw back the tears, “I’m happy. And I love you so, so much.”

Emma frowns. “Will pancakes make you feel better?”

“I’m alright, Emma. I promise. These are happy tears.”

“Pancakes always make me feel better,” Jon announces, climbing onto the other side of the bed and sliding back underneath the covers. He settles Emma down in the middle of them, handing her a mug full of juice. She doesn’t drink tea yet, but she doesn’t like to be left out when they do, so she has her own mug.

“These look wonderful,” Martin tells them, arranging the tray so they can all reach. Emma takes a plate and hands it to Jon, then does the same for Martin, before grabbing the final one for herself. “You’re getting very good at pancakes.”

“Baba said we can learn French toast next,” Emma says.

“Wow. That’s big.”

Emma nods. “It’s more difficult than normal toast.”

Martin chuckles. “It certainly is.”

They distribute the pumpkin-shaped pancakes between them. While they eat in bed, they tell each other stories about their Halloween night. Jon talks about the costumes of the people who visited their house, how many compliments they got on their pumpkin carving skills. Emma narrates her trick-or-treating adventure with Tim and Sasha. Martin shares the safest tales of his nightshift, the funny costumes he saw and the extravagant decorations at the parties they visited.

Martin is exhausted again by the time they’ve finished the pancakes. Jon insists on taking their empty plates back to the kitchen and making them another cup of tea, while Emma snuggles against Martin’s side. She rests her head on his shoulder.

“I know it’s not your birthday, Daddy,” Emma whispers.

Half-asleep until now, Martin grunts himself awake. “What was that, sweetheart?”

“I know it’s not really your birthday,” Emma tells him, not moving from where she’s clinging to his arm, “Your birthday was yesterday. On Halloween.”

“Oh, Emma, we—”

“It’s okay,” Emma says, “It’s like when we had a party on Saturday even though my birthday was on Wednesday because I had school.”

“Yeah.” Martin stokes his hand through Emma’s hair. “It is a bit like that.”

“I still get to say happy birthday.”

“You do.”

“But can we have a party on the right day next year?” Emma asks.

“For your birthday?”

“No, for your birthday.”

“Oh.” Martin laughs. “Yes. It might not be a party, if I have to work again, but we can do this. This is lovely. Thank you for being so thoughtful. And I’m excited to read your poems.”

“Baba said they were good.”

“Well, that’s high praise indeed.”

“It was fun.”

“That’s good. That’s what matters most when you make things.“

Emma wriggles around until she’s grinning up at him. “Can I read your poems now?”

Martin sighs, barely supressing a laugh. This isn’t the first time she’s asked. “Emma.”

She sticks her bottom lip out, pouting in a way that breaks Martin’s heart to the point where he can never turn her down when she’s looking at him like this. “Please.”

“Alright,” Martin gives in, “I’ll read you one tonight. Before bed.”

“Yay!” Emma’s grin grows even wider. "Thank you, Daddy.”

“Thank you. And I love you very, very much.”

“Love you, too.”

They settle back down. Martin dozes a little again, a smile on his face, as he thinks about telling Jon later that their daughter very much does understand the concept of time. There really are some things parenting books don’t prepare you for—like the way his love seems to grow with each day he gets with Emma and Jon, even when he thinks it’s impossible, that he already loves them more than any person can.

Some things are gifts even when they are not given as such, and Martin is beginning to allow himself to think of his life with his daughter and his husband as one. He didn’t ask for it with words or lists. He doesn’t know, even now, if he deserves it. But it’s his. And he will treasure it always.

Not featured: Martin realising what he’s agreed to and frantically trying to find a non-angsty poem he can read to his five-year-old daughter. Jon thinks the whole thing is hilarious.

<3

[grimelords]

There is no limit to how many good songs exist! There are just so many!

My June playlist is finished, and on time too! Please enjoy all manner of bangers from Dave Brubeck, Nelly Furtado and everyone in between.

listen here

Night And Day - Hot Chip: I’ve started a band with some friends and my friend Tiana (who has requested a special shoutout in this playlist and is currently receiving it!) suggested this as a song for us to learn and she was extremely right to do it! It’s extremely funky and probably the most i’ve ever liked Hot Chip because they’ve finally allowed themselves to be emotional and feel the most important emotion of all: horniness.

Infinity Guitars - Sleigh Bells: The other day a friend of mine said ‘hey whatever happened to Sleigh Bells?’ and guess what: they have five albums and continue to release new music as recently as last year. They seem to steadfastly refuse to advance their sound and you’ve got to give them props for that. When nobody else sounds anything like you the smartest thing you can do is double down on your own weird thing. I’ve always loved this song and am totally enamoured by whatever mixing trick it is that enables this song to start loud as fuck and somehow finish even louder no matter what volume you play it at.

Hurricane - Bob Dylan: I haven’t watched the Rolling Thunder Revue thing on Netflix yet but I’m excited to because this is a good Dylan era and I’m always down for more footage of the world’s freak Bobby D acting like a maniac. This song is a good example of how have no control over how music is consumed once you release it because this is ostensibly a serious and angry protest song about a great injustice but my greatest memory of it is for at least a month when I was in boarding school a guy in my dorm would play it every morning super loud and we would all yell the words along as we were getting dressed. Having a great time being fifteen and yelling happily about a miscarriage of justice.

Grindin' - Clipse: I started putting together a playlist of songs with super minimal or no pitched instrumentation that almost totally rely on the percussion and the vocals to carry it. Basically the Pharrell special because he did it on this and Drop It Like It’s Hot and I’m sure more songs of his I haven’t heard yet. But also songs like Lipgloss by Lil Mama, Fix Up Look Sharp by Dizzee Rascal, Tipsy By J-Kwon (almost if it didn’t have the baseline) and The Whisper Song by The Ying Yang Twins. There’s heaps more I’m sure. It was a real minimal style for a little while in the mid 2000s and I think it’s great. It gives you so much space in the mix and it’s a great lesson: if the beat is hot enough and you’ve got enough charisma to carry the vocal you don’t need anything else at all.

Rock Lobster - The B-52's: Did you know the guitar in this is tuned CFFFFF? Did you know this song is nearly 7 minutes long? Did you know The B-52s had a hit with this and then didn’t have another hit until Love Shack fully ten years later? Truly everything about this song is insane.

Johnny Irony - Bad//Dreems: I think ‘are you bleeding?’ is my favourite bit of pre-song hot mic dialogue i’ve ever heard. I love the energy of this song, and what a fun throwback it is to I guess reference Lead Belly’s ancient song about doing cocaine Take A Whiff On Me for a new modern twist on a song about doing cocaine.

Girls On Film - Duran Duran: Have you ever noticed how the bass in this song is absolutely popping off? It rocks. I listened to just the isolated bass track on youtube the other day and it’s my new favourite song. I’m having a big moment with this early eighties art-funk thing where someone figured out you could put huge funky basslines into rock music and completely changed the game.  

Love - Lana Del Rey: I figured out this month that my vocal range seems to be just Lana Del Rey but an octave lower which is absolutely great news for anyone that wants to hear me sing this song in a cowboy voice in my car.

Want You In My Room - Carly Rae Jepsen: I am absolutely in love with this song and also absolutely furious at it. Absolutely in love with the way it’s written like a duet with herself, trading lines and overlapping and harmonising. The big ascending guitar line that leads into the chorus. I love how horny the lyrics are, I love the very 80s robot voice in the chorus who also wants to fuck. It’s just phenomenal, which brings me to the the think that makes me so furious: this song just fades out? After the second chorus just as the saxophone comes in? Just as it’s getting good???

Genevieve (Unfinished) - Jai Paul: It's just unbelievable how good this sounds. The bass sound. The way the whole mix seems to float around. The cuts to silence that feel like someone took a razor randomly to the master. It all culminates in this frenetic nervous energy that feels like the song could just fall apart and stop at any point. And it does! It just fades to silence and then comes back in as a totally different song near the end before fading away again.

Elephant Talk - King Crimson: King Crimson is on Spotify now and I’m comically striking them off my list of Bands I Have A Grudge Against For Not Being On Spotify. It’s always kind of surprised me that for someone who loved The Mars Volta as much as I did I never really had a big King Crimson phase. I always liked them fine, and I love this song, but I never really sat down and gave them a proper listen. Maybe now they’re on streaming that’s all about to change and my girlfriend will have to suffer accordingly.

Kids In The Dark - Bat For Lashes: Very excited for Bat For Lashes next album if this is an indication of the direction. She's always had a very hazy 80s feeling, so purposefully leaning into it is only going to be great.

CHORDS For Organ - Ellen Arkbro: My favourite lady is back with 15 minutes of rock solid chords. Something I've been thinking recently in regards to Ellen Arkbro and Holly Herndon is people who make pretentious art unpretentiously, truly believing in their process and outcomes but very aware  of and fine with the fact that it's silly, useless or unlistenable to anyone who's not interested. Ellen Arkbro posted a photo of an organ on instagram the other day and wrote "turned out this was one of the biggest instruments in berlin and it was also connected up to two other organs in the same space. Despite that I ended up playing an extremely quiet version of my music. I don't really know how that happened. I will play a louder version in st giles cripple gate in london this saturday if you're around" She posts like Courtney Barnett about her experimental organ drone music, I just love it. As for the music itself I don't really know how to explain this other than if you let it it can be extremely overwhelming. It's also the closest I've come musically to Malevich's Black Square and how I feel about that, which is hard to explain properly other that to say I love it.

SWIM - Holly Herndon: I'm obsessed with this Holly Herndon album. It's just amazing though I think the marketing and a lot of the writing about it is sort of.. misleading? There's a lot of emphasis being put on the machine learning and AI aspects of it, which as undoubtedly good and cool as they are, are sort of overshadowing what's so good about this in a simple way which is that it's just choral music for the future. It feels like it reaches so far back and so far forward at the same time it's incredible.

Too Real/Television Screens - Fontaines D.C.: I really had to stop myself from putting the whole Fontaines DC album on here because quite literally every single song on this is amazing. Just when you think guitar music is well and truly dead it pulls you back in!! Also the way he says 'aaa' at the start of Too Real just absolutely kills me.

Dangerous Match Ten - Scientist: I forget where I read it but some bass player was saying she learned to play by listening to Scientist albums, and so that made me listen to Scientist for the first time and go on a long dub trail and have a very good and dangerous day where I thought “..what if I become a dub guy?”. It’s very good. I don’t know anything about dub really, we don’t really have the jamaican population here for it to have any cultural currency like it does in america and the UK so my biggest exposure is the Dub radio station from GTA III and San Andreas which I’m now learning was mostly made up of Scientist songs anyway. Anyway dub is good, please keep an eye one me and watch as this playlist evolves into me becoming an evangelical dub guy over the next few months and start calling everyone m’brethren in a racist way.

Lipitor - Longmont Potion Castle: Lipitor. This is unfortunately unavailable on Australian spotify which is a crime but if you're from anywhere else please enjoy.

A Lot’s Gonna Change/ Andromeda - Weyes Blood: I am having such a time with this Weyes Blood album. Yesterday I spent all day playing A Lot’s Gonna Change over and over and over and today I spent all day listening to Andromeda over and over and learning how to play it. I suspect this will happen to me with the entire album, it has a complete hold over me.

I’ve listened to Weyes Blood before and she’s never really grabbed me and so it took a lot of people rhapsodising about this one to get me to give it a go and I’m so glad I finally did. This album really took me by surprise, and looking back now I love the development of her sound: from her original spacy noisy thing to the bonafide soft rock of Front Row Seat To Earth to this - an expensive sounding 70s singer songwriter pop album of absolutely devastating beauty and inventiveness.

Wasting My Young Years - London Grammar: I think what's so interesting about this song is that it sounds like an acoustic cover of a trance song. I don't really know how to explain it better than that. The way the deceptively fast four on the floor drums come in, the sort of adult-contemporary The XX instrumentation, the whole structure of it, it feels like a BBC Live Lounge cover of some forgotten rave classic. I love it regardless but it's an odd song as well.

Left Hand - Beast Coast: Beast Coast is lames and I didn't make it more that halfway through the album. On the fourth song there's a verse where one of these guys is doing that rap thing of talking way to graphically about eating pussy. He says lick lick lick it's gross. Anyway this song rocks though. The beat is that perfect mix of hard as hell and a little bit spooky and I love any song where one million guys do like four lines each.

Hung Up - Madonna: In the wake of not listening to Madame X I've been reflecting on how it's been 15 years since Madonna's last true banger, Hung Up, and in my opinion she's a legend forever for this song alone. Do you remember the Madonna x Gorillaz performance at the 2006 Grammys? Where she walked BEHIND the hologram? She still has so much to teach us. 

Never Fight A Man With A Perm - IDLES: I love just how purely sweaty man muscle this song is. 'concrete to leather' are you kidding me?? That's the coolest shit I've ever heard. 'You look like you're from Love Island' also quite good.

Speakers Going Hammer - Soulja Boy: I was listening to this the other day and had to keep stopping and rewinding because of how advanced the flow is when he says 'Style swift hot like it's July 10th/Fly chick in my whip with nice tits/Her boyfriend paid for it, I didn't" he's like five minutes in front of the beat and combined with the internal assonance it just sounds sick as hell.

African Woman - Ebo Taylor: Man goes ham on toy piano must see

(I’m Not Your) Stepping Stone - The Monkees: My friend Tiana (who I've mentioned twice now!) came to band practice and said she saw The Monkees last night. I thought no, that's impossible. The Monkees are all long dead, forgotten legends from a forgotten age. BUT I was wrong! Michael Nesmith and Micky Dolenz, the surviving Monkees tour to this day! And she introduced me to this great song which we learned for the band! Monkees forever!

Whoo! Alright! Yeah! .. Uh Huh - The Rapture: Somehow as time goes on this song becomes more and more important to me and more and more groovy.I used to think life’s a bitter pill but it’s a grand old time. Now that’s wisdom.

World Of Stone/Loinclothing - Hunters And Collectors: I've been getting very heavily into early Hunters And Collectors over the last couple of months.  I think I put Loinclothing on last months playlist as well but fuck it, it's great. It's so primal and raw it feels like the first caveman who learned to talk fronting a band of cavemen who sing songs about caveman issues and passion. I love the incredibly wide open sound the drums and bass have and the fidgety guitar combined with the unhinged vocals creates this really unique ambience of menace and power without ever getting particularly busy and losing the spaciousness. Feels like yelling about monkeys on a wide open desert plain.

Coisa No. 10 - Marcello Gonçalves and Anat Cohen: I found this song ages ago on ABC Jazz I think, and I absolutely love the intricacies of it. It twists and folds in on itself over and over and over without ever losing the groove or relaxing into anything easy. There's so much tension in it even though the melody and groove are so fun, it's a great mix. I also found out it's from an album that's a tribute to someone I'd never heard of before named Moacir Santos, so I got the great joy of discovering his music via this song as well.

Monologue/Nana - Moacir Santos: Moacis Santos, as I understand it, was one of Henry Mancini's film composition assistants and also the guy that taught all the Boss Nova geniuses like Sergio Mendes. I love this Monologue where he tells the story of a mystical vision that inspired this song, which you assume being inspired by a vision would be of mythical importance and weight and but instead sounds like the theme to a cartoon about a grandma who has superpowers.

Weird People - Little Mix: I need more info about the identity of the robot voice in this song. What is his relationship to the singer. He starts off antagonistic: “get off the wall” then commenting on what happened to her: “fell off the wall” then just echoing her: “on the other side” then becoming her “i’m living my life”. It’s complicated and hard to explain but I believe the robot voice in this song is god. Anyway this song is a masterpiece. It’s an incredibly goofy and great piece of 80s revival that imagines a glorious alternate future where Oh Yeah by Yello is the template for all pop music.

3 Legged Dog - Marisa Anderson: Marisa Anderson used to write songs with words here and there among her instrumentals but it seems that over the last couple of albums she’s decided to stick to instrumentals only which I think is a shame. She’s obviously brilliant at it but I’d hate to be missing out on beautiful little slices like this. I love how small time this song is, it feels like a song you’d sing to yourself more than a song for anyone else.

Nighttime Suite - Adam Gnade & Demetrius Francisco Antuña: Adam Gnade is a guy I’ve been following for about ten years now who seems determined to stay obscure. He self-releases all his stuff in limited editions or on cassettes, some of my favourite things he’s ever done don’t seem to be available anywhere digitally any more (if they ever were). I remember years ago he seemed hard up for cash and he ran a deal on his website called a ‘lifetime subscription’ where if you sent him I think $100 he would send you everything he’s ever done AND would continue to send you everything he made in the future for the rest of his life. It was absolutely great, I would get CD-Rs and tapes and zines and things delivered randomly to my mailbox every so often for a couple of years and they were all fantastic. I guess at some point my lifetime subscription lapsed because he’s released a bunch of stuff I haven’t heard or read but that’s ok, you shouldn’t be able to buy someone’s eternal soul for $100.

Adam Gnade has developed his own style of folk music where he just recites a sort of prose poetry over music and it’s incredible. In the hands of anyone else it could feel overly pretentious, and he pretty often rides that line. He’s reaching for a sort of poet laureate of Americana ideal but very often he actually grabs it. His writing is great and magnifies the minor details of normal life into larger symptoms of the American mindset, like depression-era songs of marginalised and exploited people individualised and updated for the modern era. Most of the time he backs himself on a lazily strummed guitar or banjo and his music sounds like sitting on the front step or laying down in the tall grass, but for this song he’s teamed up with Demetrius Francisco Antuña for some real Godspeed feeling dark soundscapes and it’s really something.

We Are The Same - Lurch And Chief: I think it's a damn shame that Lurch And Chief broke up before they even put an album out because this song is a damn classic and I have begun praying every day for the return of Lurch and/or Chief. I love a big voice and there's two distinctly huge voices in this song fighting for position.

983/Near DT, MI - Black Midi: Fucking hell I love this Black Midi album. I'm so, so glad it exists. It feels like the next generation of the Slint Hella, Tera Melos etc lineage of math rock and I simply can't get enough of it. Pump it directly into my veins I'm obsessed with it.

Take Control - Amerie: I just screamed out loud in my car hearing this song for the first time because it samples Jimmy, Renda Se by Tom Zé one of my absolute favourite songs ever. And samples it amazingly, totally transforms it into something new while keeping the spirit of the original. Do you ever feel like a song was just made for you personally? It’s a very kind thing of my vlogger wife Amerie to do for me but I guess that’s just how she is. Also, thanks to Spotify’s new feature where you can see the actual credits for songs I got to find out that Hall And Oates are credited on this because it basically interpolates the the whole verse melody from You Make My Dreams Come True which I didn’t even realise until I looked up why they were credited.

Unsquare Dance - Dave Brubeck: Dave Brubeck's brain is huge. I can't belive it's possible to make 7/4 this funky. How come nobody else ever ripped off this rhythm? It deserves to be a whole genre. I also totally love the piano solo near the end where it turns into like a funky 7/4 stride and then abruply ends with a shave and haircut like it's 1925.

Suddenly - French Vanilla: Get a load of this fucking slice of dance punk that Discover Weekly served me up. I haven't even listened ot the album yet because I just love this song so much I'm stuck on it. Singing "I like the nightlife! I'm in the spotlight!" like you're being hunted with a knife? Incredible. The impromptue glossolalia about halfway through? Incredible. Everything about the saxophone? Incredible

Maneater - Nelly Furtado: There's nothing deft or subtle about Timbaland. Everything he does is just so heavy handed and thick. The drums in this are so straightforward and they sound like garbage cans.. Nothing ever plays at he same time as anything else . It's like a gorilla learned to play and it's absolutely fucking sick. And then the whole rest of the song! His insanely thick buzzy synth lines against the big beautifully stack clean harmonies

I, The Witchfinder - Electric Wizard: I've been getting back into Skyrim because I have a little worm living in my brain and I've discovered a good trick is to turn off the game music and turn on Electric Wizard instead. It increases the ambience because it feels like if you did an x-ray of the Dragonborn's head this is all that would be in there. It's just stoner metal in there and no other thoughts.

Music Sounds Better With You - Stardust: Can you believe how lucky we are to live in a world where the greatest song ever written is finally available on spotify? You can just listen to this any time of the night or day and immediately improve your life.

Don’t Chew - Spilled Oats: Here’s a very good and underexplored idea: what if guitar music but it sounds like chopped and screwed? Absolutely dynamite.

 As an extra bonus treat here the absolute best ever chopped and screwed channel I’ve found on youtube, please explore Scobed & Robed: https://www.youtube.com/user/scottalexanderburton

listen here

[im-not-a-joke]

Mmh... All the field

the whole- the whole field....

thank you for asking, this is going to be one long post

Alisons: Sexuality?

asexual, unlabeled/queer romantic

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

they/them or he/him, nonbinary

Amaryllis: Birthday?

february 4th

Anemone: Favorite flower?

bleeding heart

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

steven universe

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

probably offer a place to sleep overnight

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

“Do you think God stays in heaven because he, too, lives in fear of what he’s created?”

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

strawberry lemonade

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

my gf? yes, absolutely.

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

i’d like to think so, yes

Baneberries: Favorite song?

currently “better than me” by the brobecks

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

a mess, i have three siblings, and two of them are currently living at home, we also have two large dogs

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

yes! my best friend anna, and her brother bryan!

Begonia: Favorite color?

purple

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

mantis shrimp

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night person

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

dog, i want the constant love and affection

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

first a botanist, then a geologist

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

i want to adopt some someday! sometimes they suck, but i want to be there for someone who doesn’t have a family to lean on.

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

abandonment, because i’m annoying

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

i shared a room with my little brother until i was like 12.

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

visiting all the people i love most, all of my friends, my gf, i’d call my sister

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

taken!

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

france

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

when people take the time out of their day to talk to me

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

nope, i do want some someday, though

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

yes! i got my ears pierced twice because it ripped my earlobe the first time

California Poppy: Height?  

~5′8″

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

yes, and if i die before any of my friends, i’m coming back to haunt them

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

a floral tank top, my favorite sleeveless cardigan, and jean shorts

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

yes, my little brother was afraid of the dark and insisted on having a nightlight on

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

my mom

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

my gf

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

architect’s daughter

Columbine: Are you tired?

yes, very

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

tomorrow i get to leave the house all day to drive across the state and it’s going to be a lot of fun

Coneflower: Dream job?

language teacher! either english to people who don’t speak it or german/french to english speakers

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert. i’m on tumblr all day

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

yeah, i think so

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

i’d actually die for multiple people in my life

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

yes! a stuffed white dog with a plaid scarf and matching antlers! my friend got it for me because it reminded her of my big white dog.

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

aquarius

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

once i came 3rd in my age group for a 5k i ran

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

i successfully kept a frail axolotl alive for an entire summer

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

i dont care what my parents think about stuff like that, they cant tell my who i am or am not allowed to date

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

@byler-obsessed literally like, maybe 15 minutes ago as of writing this

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

i’d like to think i’m decent at singing

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

staying awake during the day

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

i saw my gf for the first time in months! i came out to the girls team for xc! i spent a lot of time with one of my closest irl friends!

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

decent, i had coach practice, which was nice

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

yeah, i’d say i’m pretty happy where i am

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

learn guitar

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

my best friends anna and bryan, my older brother, the girls on the team, my ukulele, my therapist, my dogs, the creek in my back yard, my grandma’s amish apple dumpling recipe, random internet memes, books

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

listening to my spotify playlist

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

reassurance and/or talking about things that i enjoy, i’m really insecure so if i’m talking about something i like, that’s me trusting you. 

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

the mental health progress i’ve made

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

i lay in bed until like 11, then, i spend the rest of the day out with my friends, we get sushi for dinner and stay up until like 3am

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

be on tumblr

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

i met them both in 6th grade, anna nad i were in the same science class and i met bryan at lunch, he didn’t talk to me for at least the first half of the year.

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

bryan, he always knows just what to say, and knows that he doesn’t have to fix my problems to be a good friend.

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

like, 13?

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

my friend once told me that they couldn’t tell if i was a boy or girl upon first meeting me and it made my day.

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

i’m a mess, an anxious, depressed, gay mess

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

my hair, it’s really fluffy and soft, and just about light enough to dye bright colors

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?  

my chest, it’s always been a huge part of my dysphoria and i want it gone please

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

i would play dress up with my dog, he had to suffer through wearing all my old dresses, but he got treats so it was ok

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

my friend ry, we met in second grade, we’re still on and off friends, currently off

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

in 5th grade i used the word “suck” in class and got yelled at

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

see above answer

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

carson: christian. it’s my name because i like how it sounds, and anna really liked it too, she picked it for me.

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

white, suburban ohio. all the kids had cliques by the second day of kindergarten, and if you were knew, you generally had a pretty good chance of being picked up by the popular kids.

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

i had bunkbeds with my little brother, i slept on the bottom.

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

so far, not really. i’m just mentally ill and closeted, it’s not great

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

she likes to dye her hair crazy colors, and she used to be a beekeeper, even though she’s allergic to bee stings.

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

he rides his bike almost every day, and supports my mom in whatever she does

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

on my mom’s side, the kindest boomers i’ve ever met, my grandpa used to take us on “adventures” to the park and just watch us play

on my dad’s side: my grandpa loves seeing us but doesn’t get out much, my grandma laughs hysterically at every family gathering, and has all the best amish recipes

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

when i turned 13, i went ice skating for the first time and fell and sprained my wrist

Peony: What was your first job?

mowing lawns

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

we had mutual friends and slowly ended up being close, we were in school plays and track together.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

i bite down on my finger to simultaneously distract myself, focus on something else, and hold myself back

Pink: Where is home?

my best friends’ living room at 1 am, with the golden girls playing in the background

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

i’d go back and stop current president from becoming president

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

my sister, she has always been driven and passionate and talented, and she makes everything seem effortless and still gives it her all.

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

me and my spouse and my kids amd my dogs all live in a decently spacious house in europe, my job is stable and i love my work, my students think i’m cool and come to me if they need help, i am doing well.

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

i used to believe that the smoke from fireworks was where clouds came from

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

my best friends

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

the sound of rain on my roof at night

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

when my sister, dad, and i all climbed to the top of a mountain in california

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

throwing up in the car on the way home for visiting my sister in new york

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

a hug from anna

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

it’s hard because i don’t trust people

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

the internet

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

like 5.5 hours

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

to run, it makes me feel better and i love cross country

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

lmao i dont have one

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

my binder!

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

the record player song but a boy

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

a list of reasons why you deal with me/things you like about me

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

the fact that this is taking a lot longer than anticipated and i don’t want people to think i’m ignoring their asks

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

actual books? only 2, Catcher in the Rye and the Night Circus

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

out with my friends

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

yes, and i regret it

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

i’m double jointed in my left pinky

[moo-deps]

Birthday Present - JJK

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook & Lee Sujung (OC)

Genre: Smut / Angst

Summary: Sujung has had a crush on Jungkook for a few weeks but doesn’t want to give in because of their age difference. She still invites him to her birthday party. 

Word count: 3,591 words

Warning: sexually explicit content, alcohol consumption

AN: This scenario will be part of a non-AU series. Other related stories will come shortly~~ I won’t leave poor Jungkook like that 😥. English isn’t my first language, do not hesitate to point out any mistake! Also, comments and advice are more than welcome😊

For her 34th birthday Sujung decided to throw a relatively modest party in her spacious flat that was overlooking Seoul. Unlike previous years there was no buffet, no DJ, no pool party. It was her with a bunch of friends and a few art lovers, jazzy music playing on her stereo and good wine that she had been cautiously selecting over the last few weeks. Everyone was getting along pretty well. The night was delightful.

And yet she was feeling extremely nervous and restless for some reason. For one reason. He was driving her crazy. Jeon Jungkook. She hadn’t even spent a whole minute alone with him since he arrived to her party but his presence was enough to have her fidgeting every time he was getting closer. She had been obsessing with him ever since his first visit to her art gallery two months ago. At that time, he came together with Taehyung who Sujung had invited. Taehyung was well known for appreciating good pieces of art and he was good publicity for the gallery. He had Jungkook accompanied him as the latter had keen interest in photography and art in general.

As Sujung was planning to have a photography exhibit next, she spoke with Jungkook and Taehyung the most that night. It wasn’t the field where she was the most knowledgeable about so the insight of both boys was really helpful. Especially Jungkook’s, he had a good eye when it came to analyzing any art form that was presented to him. At first he was shy to speak up when Sujung asked the boys about their opinions on specific paintings or sculptures, but as time passed the youngest became more talkative. And she soon found herself drinking every sound that was coming out of his pretty, plump lips. 

If he had only good opinions, Sujung would have been able to forget more easily about him. But the singer had also the physique of a Greek god that could put to shame any Ancient Greece sculpture displayed in Sujung’s gallery. Wide shoulders, strong thighs and brown shiny eyes that destabilized her on their first eye contact. And he was flirty to top it all. But he was way too young for her. Over ten years too young. And famous. Way too famous for her. And yet she couldn’t get him out of her mind. 

It would have been easier if she didn’t invite him to her party. But he had been a great help along with Taehyung for the upcoming exhibition. And she couldn’t deny that she actually looked forward to seeing him on her birthday. What a present. However, she had yet to say a word to him. Too scared to mess things up. Plus, the wine was starting to have its effects on her, and she didn’t trust her tipsy self at all.

Sujung went out on the patio to enjoy the warmth and calm of this night of June. She laid both her elbows on the balustrade and admired the beautiful sight of Seoul’s city lights. Sujung was lost in the view when a voice startled her: 

“Hey” Jungkook said softly right behind her. 

Sujung cursed, almost dropping her glass of wine over the rail. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you” Jungkook chuckled seeing her putting her hand over her heart in shock. “What were you thinking about?”

“Nothing in particular.” Sujung replied, trying her best not to look into his eyes for too long. “Aging mostly”. 

“You still have your whole life ahead of you. You shouldn’t waste too much time on that.” He said, joining her on the balustrade. His shirt brushed her bare arm and she could smell his cologne. She closed her eyes to appreciate this new scent. As if she needed another reason to obsess over him!

“Noona?” Jungkook called in his deep voice. Sujung turned her head to look at him, trying her best to keep a straight face. That word, with that voice and body, it shouldn’t be allowed! And the alcohol wasn’t helping at all. She kept looking at his lips, wondering how they would feel on hers and the rest of her body. 

“Mmh?” she mumbles, not able to form actual words.

“Were you avoiding me earlier?” He asked shyly, without looking directly at her. “This might sound stupid, but it felt like you didn’t want to see me.” He looked down, a frown forming on his amazing face. 

“What? No!” Sujung was surprised at her ability to lie. “I must have been caught up in some discussions with the others. I am sorry.” Jungkook finally looked up at her, a smile on his face. 

They started talking about anything and everything. His busy schedule, the future of her gallery. How she got where she was, what made him become an idol. Sujung completely forgot about the impossibility of getting close with him and enjoyed this casual moment. 

“I have a question.” Jungkook announced suddenly, raising his arm as if he was in class. “There is less than an hour left before the end of your birthday.”

“Yeah?” Sujung wasn’t sure where he wanted to go with this. Her nervousness was back.

“What is the thing that you want the most at this moment?” he asked with a wide childish grin. 

Sujung looked at him startled. She couldn’t possibly reply that she wanted him the most, at this very second. That she wanted to kiss him fiercely. That she wanted to see what was under that shirt. That she wanted to feel his thighs on her skin. She wanted all of him. But no. He was a kid. A successful famous rich kid. Unreachable. Not even in her dreams.

Sujung inhaled deeply to keep her composure. She wasn’t used to lying. She couldn’t find a word to say. 

“Come on, there must be something!” Jungkook exclaimed with a laugh. “For me it would be a soft serve ice cream.” 

“Seriously? Of everything, you’d choose an ice cream?” Sujung couldn’t help but laugh. She was still not accustomed to his randomness. 

“Yes. A vanilla flavored one.” Jungkook add giggling together with Sujung, their heads almost bumping into each other. “So what about you? There must be something you want!”

Sujung stopped laughing, biting her lips as she nearly spoke the truth. He was looking at her so intently. He was so close that she could feel his warmth radiating from this beautiful body of his. His fingers slightly brushed the back her hand as he raised his hand to massage his neck. She could make out the outline of his arm muscles under his shirt. Would it be that bad to have him as her birthday present? Only for that night. Who would it hurt really? She opened her mouth to speak but got interrupted by one of her friends. 

“Come on you two, it’s birthday cake time!”

Sujung took her chance to escape from this very uncomfortable situation. She slapped herself mentally. She almost crossed the line. What an idiot! She wouldn’t accept any other alcoholic beverage to prevent any damage. Except that one champagne glass that went with the cake. And that vodka cocktail that her friend prepared especially for her. And that shooter she had to drink because she lost that stupid card game. 

It was 2 AM and she was drunk. Not completely wasted, but that good kind of drunk. When everything feels like cotton candy. When you feel like the best dancer in the world. When you get touchy with everybody around you. Sujung was hugging every person that came that night to celebrate her day with her. She ended her hug fest with Taehyung and Jungkook. She threw one arm other each boy’s shoulders. They didn’t seem to mind, they were as drunk as everybody else.

“Thank you for coming tonight. And I am sorry if I am making you uncomfortable with my current state, but this is my birthday and I don’t care.” Sujung declares. Taehyung was completely gone, singing at the top of his lungs to the song playing over the stereo. He then ditched Sujung’s arm to join a dance battle in the middle of the living room. His sudden move had Sujung lost her balance. If it wasn’t for Jungkook who grabbed her by the waist she would have fallen on the coffee table where all the bottles, full and empty, were. Jungkook kept his hands and her waist and pulled her against him. All Sujung’s muscles tensed. 

“There, here’s my proper hug” Jungkook said in a low voice, a playful grin on his lips. Sujung’s face was on his neck. She was unable to make any move. She didn’t want to move. She took this opportunity to breathe in his cologne, to hold onto his strong shoulders, to feel is well sculpted torso on her breasts and stomach. Jungkook broke the embrace as Taehyung grabbed his arm to have him join his dance team. Sujung had to sit to regain her composure. 

A few songs later, everybody was getting ready to leave. Sujung waved at her friends one by one. Taehyung was giggling as he was holding one of her friends’ hand. Sujung didn’t even realize that these two got closer during the night. She could see in the corner of her eye that Jungkook was taking his time to put on his shoes. He was the last one left on her apartment. When he got up, Sujung could feel all the tension surrounding the both of them. She was scared to say anything. She had her back against the front door, as if to prevent him from getting out. He was looking at her with a blank face before he spoke. 

“You never answered my question.”

“What question?” Sujung asked genuinely confused. 

“The thing you want the most right now.”

She bit her lower lip again not to let any word escape her mouth. How could someone be this stubborn? 

“What if what I want is implying someone else?” she finally asked looking at him in the eyes.

Jungkook smiled. A small, mysterious, almost devilish smirk. Sujung couldn’t keep her gaze away from his. 

“It’s your birthday, you can do whatever you want.” Jungkook replied with that smirk still on his face. Fuck he was handsome. A lip lock. A simple lip lock wouldn’t hurt, right? There was nothing more innocent than a lip lock.

Without realizing, Sujung closed to gap between the two of them to reach his lips with hers. A soft, chaste kiss that lasted less than two seconds. She took a step back, waiting for his reaction. He didn’t say anything, didn’t move for a moment. Sujung was so scared to have screwed everything up that she stopped breathing. He then grabbed the back of her neck with his hands and crashed their lips together. He was needy. He put so much force into this kiss that it made Sujung step back until she hit the door with a loud bang. The sudden contact had her gasped, breaking their kiss.

“Sorry, did I hurt you?” Jungkook asked panting and caressing the back of her head, embarrassed. 

Sujung shook her head no and grabbed Jungkook by his shirt to resume kissing him. He moaned into her mouth as they deepened the kiss. She grabbed his hair softly to have him as close as possible to her body. 

Jungkook's lips left her own to go on her neck and collarbone. It was tongue, teeth and lips on her skin and Sujung was suffocating. In a delicious way. She felt his hands on her back, unzipping her dress partly. Just enough to have one strap of her dress removed from her shoulder. Jungkook whispered a curse word as he exposed her left breast under a black laced bra. He kissed and bit the newly discovered skin of her cleavage. His hands were on her waist and thighs, keeping her flushed against his lower body. He was hard on her thigh. 

Sujung was letting him do whatever he wanted to her body. She hadn't felt this physically wanted in a long time. She didn't want to move, too scared he would stop touching her body. Her hands were still in his hair, leading him slightly where she wanted to feel his mouth on her skin. Her body was burning for him. She was whimpering and panting loudly when he start grinning slowly his hard sex against her private parts. Sujung couldn't bear feeling clothes anymore, his or hers. She needed to feel his naked body on hers at that very moment. She gently drew his face to hers so they could look at each other, their noses touching. He looked almost disappointed not to be able to kiss the skin of her neck anymore.

"I want you," she started breathlessly "in my bed, now." Jungkook chuckled and gave her lips a chaste kiss. 

"Yes Ma'am. Lead the way."

Sujung grabbed his hand and walked to her bedroom. The alcohol and Jungkook made her stumble in the hallway, she had to keep her free hand on the wall not to trip on her own foot. When they finally reached her bedroom, she removed her dress and underwear, looking at Jungkook throwing his own clothes on the floor. Sujung took a moment to admire his body thanks to the moon and street lights coming from the outside. He was perfect as she had imagined, even more. 

For the first time Jungkook looked uncertain about how to act next. Sujung made him sit on her bed and kissed him deeply while straddling him. He was a moaning mess under her, hands moving all over her body and heating up her skin in his way. The usual shyness she had with other partners was not there with him. She felt beautiful under his touch and she liked that he wordlessly let her take the lead. Sujung took her time to discover his shoulders and torso with her hands, still kissing him on his lips, earlobes, neck, whatever part of him she could reach. Their lower halves were moving on their own instinctively, her sex on his hard one to build up their arousal. Sujung stop kissing him to put her forehead on Jungkook's. 

"I want you in me." she says in a questioning tone, asking him if he was okay with her needs.

"Thought you would never say that." he panted laying on the mattress on his back. He was surrendering to her completely. Jungkook let her put a condom on his length and Sujung took the advantage of his position to kiss all over his abs up to his neck before finally taking him inside of her. They both let out a breath of relief before she started moving. Jungkook soon grabbed her hips firmly to meet the rhythm of her thrusts. Sujung was clenching her jaw to prevent any sound to come out of her throat, she hated the way she sounded during sex. He felt really good in her however. Making it hard for her to keep moving. Jungkook on his hand was moaning beautifully loudly beneath her, encouraging Sujung to move faster and stronger. She looked at him completely enjoying the moment with his eyes closed and lips slightly parted. He was louder with every thrust and he finally came, almost crying. 

"I am sorry." he said breathlessly as Sujung removed herself from him. "You're too good." Sujung laughed softly, laying beside him. She could enjoy her night without an orgasm. She looked at him questioningly however when he started caressing her inner thigh. "Let me, please?" he asked, lips against her temple. As a response, Sujung opened her legs for his hand. She hid her face in the crook of his neck to muffle the sounds she was making. She grabbed his wrist gently to guide his fingers where it felt good, her other hand was fisting the pillow behind her head. She adapted the rhythm of her thrusts to his hand’s and soon she could feel her orgasm coming. She stopped breathing for a second as the rush of pleasure shot throughout her body. Sujung remained still a few moments to catch her breath. She thanked Jungkook in a panting whisper. He kissed her temple, nose and lips as her breathing was coming back to normal.

After cleaning themselves, they settled on the bed embracing each other. Sujung took a look at Jungkook who seemed a bit worried. 

"What's wrong?" she asked as she caressed his hair. 

"I don't know what to think of tonight." he said cautiously. "I mean you were amazing, but..." Sujung silenced him by putting a finger on his lips. 

"We are still drunk. Let's sleep first, we will talk in the morning." Jungkook nodded to her words, relieved for the moment. "You are the best birthday present by the way." she added with a weak smile as she closed her eyes.

The sober side of Sujung’s brain knew that she screwed up badly that night, but she let sleep come in before she could think too much about what just happened with Jungkook. She enjoyed her birthday night, that was all that mattered at the moment. She would sort things out in the morning.

***

When he woke up the next morning, Jungkook first regretted the great amount of alcohol he consumed the night before. His head was hurting like hell. It took him a few seconds to recollect where he was and what happened. A smile appeared on his face when he remembered the late night activities he shared with Sujung. Sex had never felt so simple before.

He turned on his side to discover the empty bed beside him. His smile disappeared. The empty space was cold, Sujung must had been up for a long time. The worries Jungkook had felt before falling asleep where back on his mind and chest. He got up too quickly and winced when his head hurt. He checked the time on his phone: 11:50AM. Damn it! He sincerely hoped that he didn’t miss any schedule. He was relieved to notice that no one called him. He just had a message from Jimin asking where he slept and if the party went well. 

Jungkook put on his clothes before heading to Sujung’s living room. Her flat was richly decorated he realized. He was to focus on her during the party that he barely took a look at his surroundings. She was sitting at the counter of her kitchen with a large mug of fuming coffee in her hands. Although her hair was a mess and she was wearing no make-up, Jungkook still found her breathtakingly beautiful. She looked up at him with a blank face. Jungkook’s jaw and heart tensed up. The lack of expression on her features was making him nervous. 

“Hi?” Jungkook said with an almost trembling voice. 

“You can have some coffee before you leave.” she announced without looking at him. He couldn’t hear any type of emotion on her voice. 

It stung hard. Her words took time to sink into his brain, then to his heart that missed a few beatings. He blinked several times to keep his composure. A heavy and uncomfortable weight settled in his stomach. He was hurt, badly. 

“That’s it? I can have coffee?” Jungkook asked with a hard voice. Sadness was masked by anger. His pride would not allow him to plead. Sujung met his gaze and with a straight face just nodded before sipping on her coffee. 

Jungkook inhaled sharply, cursed, glared. He gave her one last chance to explain herself before putting on his shoes and getting out of her place. He missed her softer and apologetic eyes when he slammed the door without any word. He abused the elevator button to let out a bit of his anger. He thought they shared something the night before. He didn’t know what exactly. The excitement of finally holding that woman he had been thinking about for two months? The freedom of an intimate moment that he didn’t have to share with the rest of the world? Or maybe simply the relief that he could enjoy himself without judgement?  

Jungkook sniffled as the elevator reached the ground floor. He didn’t realized he shed a few tears.

“Fuck” he mutters, whipping his cheeks and nose. His brain was numb, he couldn’t think. When he got out of the building, the heavy heat finished to knock him out. He sat weakly on the floor breathing harshly. He just wanted to go home and forget. He could took a cab but he needed to see a familiar face. He tried to call Taehyung three times but hit his voicemail each time. He then called Jin who was the least likely to ask questions. He answered on the second ring.

“Hey! How was that party?” Jin asked excitedly. 

“Can you come and get me?” Jungkook voice was pleading and shaking. There was a short silence before Jin answered. 

“Send me the address, I am leaving.”

Jin arrived twenty minutes later and he found Jungkook seated on the staircase leading to the apartment building, head lowered and shoulders sunk. He lifted Jungkook to his feet and examined him for a while, worry written on his face. 

“Wanna talk about it?” Jin ask cautiously. 

“No, not now.”

“Okay, let’s go grab something to eat and go home.” Jin grabbed Jungkook by his shoulders and led him to his car.

[theeternalspace]

In Memoriam 5

Summary: The metal tree had always fascinated the Prince.

Only, it wasn’t a tree.

And, as it turned out, he wasn’t really a Prince. Instead he was… a side of someone’s personality? He doesn’t remember Thomas, or the other sides, those who call themselves his friends. He doesn’t really remember anything, not even his own name, no matter the efforts of Patton, Logan or Virgil. He must venture back into the Wardrobe door, back to the metal tree in an attempt to recover his missing memories and regain everything he has lost.

But perhaps some doors are best left closed for a reason. And perhaps some personas should remain in the ground where they have been buried.

Story Warnings: Sympathetic/Grey Deceit Sanders. He is trying his best you guys. Anxiety. Self doubt and self loathing. Fantasy fighting. Verbal fighting. Threatening behaviour. Blood and injury. Memory loss. Drowning. Near death.

Previous || Next

Night fell over the snowfields. Virgil had never been able to get a grasp on the way time worked within the Imagination. It operated on its own timetable, independent of what might be happening in the real world or even inside Thomas’ mind which followed the earth day and night cycle. Inside the Imagination, Virgil swore it just did as it pleased. Or rather, it did as Roman pleased.

No wonder Logan hated coming here. Night could last as little as five minutes or as long as a week depending on the dramatic need for it and no two cycles were the same exact length. It drove the logical side to distraction.

Virgil could understand that. He wasn’t too keen on it either, on the way things didn’t make sense and he liked it when things made sense. It was better when they followed a pattern he could keep to because with a pattern came familiarity and with that came safety, came reassurance. Knowing it could be day or night as it pleased was not a situation likely to calm his constantly frayed nerves. It had been evening in the mindscape when they entered and yet daytime here. Virgil had no idea how long they had been travelling before the sun started to set, turning ice white into the colder blues of night.

It caused the air to become that much colder, each exhaled breath of air curling around them like dragon smoke, creating patterns of pale white that danced in front of them. It grew steadily darker and darker with only the stars twinkling overhead offering any sort of light and making it hard for Virgil to even see that smoke and reassuring sign of life from the rest of the group.

There was no point in trying to press ahead in darkness when they could barely see anything. Virgil and Roman used what fading light was left to gather wood as best they could and haphazardly built up a fire. The anxious side was fairly confident that if Roman focused enough he would be able to create a fire from nothing, including the flames themselves and that would save them a lot of effort.

Then again, he was equally confident that if Roman got distracted even for a moment that he would accidentally set the whole forest ablaze and so it was probably safer to build it by hand. It gave them both something to do, something physical that kept them busy and calmed Virgil’s nerves a fraction. Just a fraction of course, but then that was normally all that he could hope for.

The repetitive motion of collecting wood and building up a fire was almost soothing in its own right, letting Virgil think of what had happened and what they were going to do next.

Except, neither really knew where to go or what to do next. Virgil had a vague idea of trying to find some of the pivotal locations in the story, in the hope that there might be some answers there because that was how stories worked but it was nothing more than a guess. A hope without any kind of actual foundation was a precarious thing indeed and Virgil didn’t trust something without stable support. Try as he might to remain positive, thoughts turned increasingly towards the negative end of the spectrum, as they were bound to do.

He couldn’t shake the feeling that they were travelling without any true destination or purpose in mind, just drawn along by a vague, ill defined hope. Another thing that was not going to keep him relaxed, no matter how hard he tried to focus on the simple pleasures of seeing the wood build up ever higher or the small burst of satisfaction when a spark finally caught alight. It kept Virgil from spiralling into a full blown panic attack about everything.  

Soon they settled around the fire, drawing comfort from its heat. Without really knowing how, Virgil found himself telling Roman tales about their past, about some of the more amusing things that they had all done.

“I didn’t!” Roman sounded scandalised, his mouth dropping open in shock and for a moment Virgil was struck by the mental image of the Pikachu meme, a smile twitching on his lips at the thought.

Same energy.

Except it would be pointless to point that out, to laugh with Roman about it because Roman probably had no idea what Pokemon even was and would just stare blankly if Virgil tried to explain that he looked like a little yellow electric mouse. He wouldn’t laugh or be offended or come back with some clever retort of his own because he had no idea how to do any of those anymore.

It was more than just memories connected to his own life, connected to Thomas, he had forgotten almost everything about the world in general. There didn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason to the things he did remember - he knew Bree’s name, he knew what a horse was but not what a heffalump was. Not who Virgil was and as much as Virgil tried not to let that bother him, there was still that selfish part of him that felt hurt by it.

Roman was still staring at him like a Pikachu, waiting for an answer.

Okay, so, Virgil couldn’t point out the similarity, but he could still tease him, could still answer him and tell him more tales about the past. He could still focus on what mattered, which was the conversation itself.

“You did,” Virgil assured him, a warm smile, a soft little giggle slipping out as he remembered watching the video from inside Thomas’ mind. Virgil had known what they were doing even though he hadn’t been called for it, because as he had stated before, he was listening. Always listening. Just in case they took it too far and Virgil had to step in to look after them all.

If it had been a year or so earlier, he probably would have thrown a fit about it, imagining what the fans might think about such a silly video topic. He would have kicked and screamed in a misguided effort to protect Thomas from harmless fun because he had been too wrapped up in his own worries to be able to look at it from any other point of view. It was impossible for him to imagine any other outcome bar the worse because he spent so many years on high alert, so many years dismissed by the others and so forced to scream just to be heard over the others, no matter the topic.

Them accepting him had meant it was possible for him to relax. Not all the way of course, not all the time. But just the simple fact of knowing that they were willing to listen to him meant he could breathe for what felt like the first time in years. Just knowing that they were willing to listen to him if it was something important meant that Virgil no longer felt the need to scream at the top of his lungs about everything.

He had learnt, had grown and tried to be better. He trusted Roman and Logan not to take it to that kind of extreme and as a result, he managed to enjoy watching the three of them relax and grow closer - even if Roman slipped into being insecure yet again. Virgil couldn’t help but wonder if they could do better now, if this loss of memories could be considered a second chance and that they could make sure to build Roman up so he didn’t have such thoughts.

That wasn't how he should be thinking about this.

Roman shook his head in disbelief, blissfully unaware of the thoughts that were circling around in Virgil’s mind, unaware of the dark currents that lapped at this conversation, hungry and eager to ruin everything.

“You’re telling me I love Crofters so much I made a whole song up about it? And that Logan - Logan - actually joined in singing? I can’t picture Logan doing anything... as light as that. He doesn’t seem like the sort to sing.”

“Never underestimate Logan’s love for Crofters. Or yours...” Virgil could feel his mood start to tip further slightly, his words reminding him of just how much Roman loved Crofters and what it had cost him. If it hadn’t been for his near obsession with that particular jelly brand or his desire to be recognised, to be loved more, because he couldn’t see how loved he already was, then they wouldn’t be camped out in the middle of nowhere without his memories.

They would have received another mundane evening at home that Virgil treasured because of how few he actually gotten to experience over the years. They might have watched movies as a group or just hung out for a little while together before going their separate ways. They would certainly have had Family Night recently, and Virgil would have laughed in one night more than he had laughed in ten years growing up. They could have been doing all of that instead of this.

No, Virgil couldn’t focus on that, couldn’t allow himself to think like that. Not when they were finally having a good time and he was feeling relaxed somehow, almost loose, as though the events of the past few days had drained him completely but not necessarily in a bad way. He was only one wrong word or thought away from being caught in a trap and spiraling down into a bad place.

A worse place than normal because Roman wouldn’t know what was happening. What if Virgil did or said something he didn’t mean while caught in the grip of anxiety? It didn’t excuse whatever terrible thing he might say but Roman didn’t know he was Anxiety, that he was prone to leaping to the worst conclusions without getting all the facts right. He didn’t want to say something he would regret. And he didn’t want Roman to forgive him for something he might say simply because he thought he was supposed to, because he felt he ought to without any knowledge of what Virgil was really like.

Then again, he was always only one wrong word or thought away from that, so really it wasn’t the worst mood he had ever been in. And he was feeling a lot better as a default state of mind than he had before.

Virgil stared across the flames at Roman, watching as sparks flew up into the sky, little flashes of gold and red which flickered against the darkness and made the whole scene feel so much more alive. It was hard, in moments like this, to remember that they were inside Thomas’ imagination, that they weren’t real boys just having a real camping trip. Virgil could almost buy into the illusion that they were just two friends hanging out, that there was no quest, nothing important beyond just spending time together. Maybe they were just family out in the wilds, around a campfire.

Maybe this night wasn’t so bad. Maybe he was actually having fun.

“What about some tales from when we were kids?” Roman asked eagerly, leaning forward as though afraid he might miss the answer to his question.

Virgil felt himself tense a little, that blissful feeling of relaxation vanishing under the weight of those words, no matter how hard he reminded himself that Roman had no idea of what he was really asking. Right now, he would have given almost anything to rewind time a few moments, to go back to when he was balanced on the edge of a worry but not yet fallen in. Now he was mentally falling hard, the ground coming up to meet him and if Virgil wasn’t careful he would ruin everything.

“You want... to hear a story from when we were younger?” Virgil slowly asked, hoping against hope that Roman might change his mind.

“Yeah!” Roman nodded enthusiastically, smile bright and open and far too naive for the question he was asking. His words opened up the dark corners of Virgil’s mind once more, the areas that he tried so hard to deny existed. Virgil wanted to be Protection for Roman, he wanted to be something good.  

He wanted to act as though he belonged here and mean it. There had to be some story Virgil could think of, something he could share with Roman and they hadn’t fought every second of every day. Sometimes they had even come close to getting on with each other and more than once they even worked together. Admittedly those times were mostly because they were acting in opposition to something Logan or Patton wanted and Virgil had been able to convince Roman it wasn’t a noble plan or whatever. Once he even got Roman to help with the promise they could then spend that time watching Disney and learning the songs off by heart. That was far less risky than the late night lecture Logan had wanted to go to alone which finished at gone midnight and no way beyond walking to get home.

Of course, he couldn’t actually think of a single example now he was put on the spot, but Virgil knew there had been some good times. There had to be some good times. Beyond the time they conspired to deny Logan because Virgil didn’t think that really painted either of them in a good light, for all that he had done it to protect Thomas. It was almost a blessing that Roman couldn’t remember the expression on Logan’s face when he had lost, the utter crushed look before he turned and retreated to his bedroom, locking them out.

He didn’t say a word to either of them for days and when he finally been convinced to speak to Roman, it was as if he had blanked those days from his memory. Virgil tried once to bring it up, to explain his reasoning to Logan because back then he nurtured the faint hope that he and Logic might have been able to get on, that Logic at least might understand where Anxiety was coming from. Logan cut him dead and changed the subject with one icy look and a handful of words.

Virgil hadn’t tried to make friends with him for years after that, not until Logan admitted that he didn’t mind his company. Only then had Virgil dared to try again, cautiously reaching out to try and forge some kind of relationship with the logical side.

They never talked about that day. Perhaps they should have done because Virgil had always been left with the impression that both blamed him and him alone for that night and the damage it had done to their relationships. It hadn’t escaped his notice that Roman acted differently around him after that, as though worried about the influence that Anxiety had been able to inflict on him, worried about the control he seemed to have when he wanted.

Or else worried that maybe Anxiety wasn’t the clear cut villain he always believed him to be and that perhaps he should re-examine his own thinking but that would imply that he had been wrong and they couldn’t have that.

Virgil didn’t blame Roman for the past. At least, not really. He could see why Roman acted the way in which he did, a perspective granted with distance. He knew he tried to act in a scary fashion on purpose, he knew that while they might have painted him the villain, Virgil had willingly embraced the role as the only way he knew how to help. He tried to scare them all the time on purpose. He was to blame for how they grew up, just as much as Roman and the others had been. More so perhaps, because he had never been happy with where he was. He had never been content but always yearning for that added space, that thing always out of reach.

He had that now, he was a member of the family and the circle he always stared at and imagined being a part of had expanded to include him with almost no effort at all. Sometimes, he can allow himself to forget that it had ever been any other way.

Sometimes it still hurt of course, moments like this when memories of the more unpleasant past were dragged to the surface but on the whole, Virgil learned to live with it. They all apologised in their own way, and they were all trying to be better. He had forgiven them and Virgil meant it, but he couldn’t always quite convince his heart to not feel the hurt from the wounds. Virgil didn’t want to hurt anymore, not tonight at least, when the focus is meant to be on protecting Roman and making sure he was feeling good.

Except Virgil still couldn’t think of a single example to keep Roman happy.

“Don’t sit too close to the fire, you might burn yourself,” Virgil warned after a moment, changing the subject as Roman shifted, moving ever so slightly closer. Probably not near enough to actually burn himself or worse, catch fire, but all it would take would be one little spurt of flame getting too close for something terrible to happen. Virgil wasn’t going to let anything happen to the prince.

Roman tilted his head to the side, fringe falling across his face a little. It cast shadows where before there had been none, his expression thoughtful as he watched him. It made Virgil want to fidget slightly but he forced himself to remain still, to meet his gaze steadily and not reveal how uncomfortable he was feeling.

“Caution,” Roman announced after a short pause, one finger tapping against his chin. “You’re Thomas’ Caution right?”

“No,” Virgil replied, his smile sad. Another guess, another one that was still so good. Virgil had done nothing but scream and yell, moan and warn Roman about everything and anything. He had pointed out every single flaw, had insulted him for falling for a trick that had apparently been designed specifically to trick him, and still Roman didn’t hate him. All Virgil had done was nag him about something, judge him about something else and yet Roman seemed able to look past that and to get something good out of it.

Virgil didn’t understand it at all, but it was nice to pretend, even if only for a split second and within his own head, that he might be one of those guesses.  

“Oh well. Next time.” Roman seemed more resigned about being wrong than upset, giving a little shrug before lying back on one of the blankets he had conjured up. His head was cushioned by his arms as he stared up at the sky, his previous question apparently forgotten. Virgil couldn’t help but breathe a soft sigh of relief at that and the minefield they managed to avoid for the moment. He debated lying down himself, trying to get some rest before the sun rose again but even as he considered it, Virgil knew his own anxieties would never allow him to rest.

Could they both afford to sleep though? Who knew what manner of foul beast might slither its way into camp during the night while they had their guard down and attack them. There was no way to know how long the night would last either and so they couldn’t split it evenly. Perhaps he could wake Roman after a few hours and get him to keep watch. That sounded like the best plan, because it gave Roman chance to rest and he got to work out some of his worries by watching over him.

“Do you think I will ever remember?” Roman’s voice was soft, almost lost amongst the flickering and crackling of the fire as it burnt its way through the wood. He was still staring up at the sky when Virgil looked over, lips pushed together into a little pout. Perhaps it was the distance, or the smoke that wanted to get in his eyes and blur his vision, but for a moment he would have sworn that Roman’s eyes were glassy, filled with unshed tears that spoke of a pain that his voice was able to hide.

Virgil wanted to say yes. He so badly wanted to say of course he would, that this adventure would result in the desired outcome. He wanted to remind him that Patton and Logan were still working on trying to come up with a solution. If nothing else, Virgil knew that they would never stop working on it until they had come up with some kind of answer, some way to fix this and he should point that out. The more rational part of him knew that while they might never give up, it was completely possible that they would be forced to put it on the back burner so to speak, for the lost memories to gradually become something they worked on between projects.

Thomas needed them. As much as it pained Virgil to think otherwise, he knew that none of them were as important as their host. He loved Thomas so much to do anything that would put him as second place. They all loved Thomas more than anything else and if he needed to work on a video or a project that would take up almost all of their time, they would do it. Even Roman would do it in this state Virgil felt, and he wished now that they had reintroduced him to their host so he understood just how wonderful Thomas was.

But they would still keep trying. And there might be something here they could use to help him. Maybe they would find the White Wizard and it would turn out the guy wasn't some super villain and would simply give them the cure without any further fighting. Maybe it would just wear off and for all they knew, Roman could wake up tomorrow and have his memories restored completely. Doubtful but it wasn’t completely impossible. He had no idea how the magic in this place worked and what rules it followed.

Virgil couldn’t really say any of that though. He couldn’t bring himself to lie and being optimistic to the point of wilful blindness was lying. There was no way to be sure of anything and although he hoped they would find an answer, they hadn’t had any luck so far. Who was to say that they would tomorrow? Or ever?

“And a truckload of bubba gump shrimp,” Virgil sang softly in lieu of answering one way or another. If nothing else, when - or if - Roman regained his memories, he would have the pleasure of knowing that Virgil had sung that line willingly. It was the least he could do and it was far easier to sing the line here, with only Roman for company than have to sing it not only in front of Thomas and the others but on camera where thousands of people could watch him mess up.

Roman gave a short, bark like laugh, pushing himself up on his elbows to look over at Virgil. His expression was open and amused. There was no sense of Roman hiding his feelings away, not like he had done in the past when he had tried to hide his hurting heart or his insecurities. He seemed more trusting here and it made Virgil’s heart hurt, made it ache in a completely different way. This was who Roman had originally been, before the world had tried to destroy him.

“What was that?”

“A line from a song you came up with for me to sing... even if you don’t remember Ro, it won’t be the end of the world. You’re still you and there is a lot you can learn again. I mean we will try, of course we will and we will never stop... but you’re still you, even without them. You’re still the prince. You’re still our family and we all still... care.” The word love got stuck in his throat, Virgil swallowing a few times as though he could push down that throat and clear the obstruction from his throat.

He might love all of them so much but Virgil was nowhere near ready to actually verbalise that thought out loud. It scared him sometimes, how easily he had grown to love all of them, how for years he had adored them without once expecting to get anything back. Certainly not the outpouring of love that he was given, the easy way in which all of them, including Thomas, including Roman, had let him into their hearts. He just wasn’t ready to tell them how much that meant to him and how he returned those feelings a thousandfold.

It was an understood thing and that was about as far as Virgil was willing to take it.

“And there are the videos too I guess!” Roman was trying to appear upbeat about the possibility of remaining like this, searching for something positive.

“Yeah... the videos...” Virgil couldn’t help but trail off as he thought of them, and how they would give Roman a real window into the different dynamics across the whole mindscape. They would show how all of them had grown over the few years since Thomas had started making them which was good... but it also meant that he would see what Virgil was really like. Which was bad.

If there was a chance that Roman might not remember then he was going to go into those videos blind. He might not like what he saw. After all, Virgil had been trying to scare them at first. Virgil had been a terrible side, a terrible person in some of those earlier videos and he shuddered to think what Roman might think when he saw Virgil deliberately trying to scare them, bringing up bad memories, bad thoughts on purpose.

It was who he had been at the time and Virgil couldn’t shy away from that fact. He wouldn’t shy away from it, but at the same time, he didn’t know if he was strong enough to handle Roman looking at him with fear, hate or distrust again. Not after he had gotten greedy and used to the easy affection offered to him. Going back into the cold would be too much of a shock to his system and Virgil knew he wasn’t brave enough to be able to deal with that.

“You know... I didn’t... I didn’t really grow up with the rest of you. I mean, I wasn’t as close to the rest of you.” Words were hesitantly said, Virgil feeling as though he was stumbling along and having to relearn every single word as he said them. He swallowed nervously, a faint tick in his jaw as he tried to find the right words to say his thoughts, to somehow explain everything they had been and everything they now were.

“I mean... I had a different childhood. It’s why I don’t really have any stories I could tell you, you’d have to ask Patton or Logan for those and the videos... well...”

Virgil had his own sort of not quite there family when he was younger. Well, he had one person at least, the only person that ever acted as though he had cared about a young Anxiety, who had looked out for him, had helped him get through some of the worst days of his young life. He often helped Virgil practise his lines, his arguments before letting him rise up to face the others on his own, the other favouring a more shadowy approach. He had never seen the point of arguing in person when they would simply dismiss and belittle him. Far easier, he always maintained, to just sneak around in secret and do what had to be done. The ends, to him, would always justify the means.

Virgil had never liked doing that, which had created one of the first cracks within their relationship, a pressure point that over time would just keep building and building until the eruption had been inescapable and terrible.

It was... complicated. Virgil had never known how to be part of a family growing up and although his would be brother had tried his best, it was clear that the other side had no idea how to act like a family member either.

They had just been two idiots fumbling along in the dark and trying to do their best for each other. Well, Virgil had thought he had been trying to do his best for... for Deceit, had thought they were a team, that they worked together, looked out for each other above almost everything else - aside from Thomas himself of course. It had been a shock to learn that Deceit apparently didn't feel the same.

Even saying his name in his head felt odd, stilted and unnatural. He hadn't allowed himself to even think his name for years before the snake skinned side snuck his way into a video. For many of those years Virgil had simply done his best to pretend that the other side didn’t exist, that they had never been as close with the King of Lies as he had been.

It made it hard at times, after he had made his choice and was surrounded by people who seemed to hate him, when all he could do was lie alone in his cold bed and pretend that there was no other way and that he didn’t miss the warm hugs and whispered honeyed lies which would grant a degree of comfort in the moment. Virgil couldn’t go back though, it would mean admitting he was giving up and turning his back on the Light Sides because he knew he couldn’t keep shifting from side to side. Virgil had to draw on his stubbornness, on his refusal to be moved and just stick it out because he had nowhere else to go.

It was easier to avoid a conflict of loyalties when he denied one set of loyalties existed after all.

Once upon a time they had been close, close enough to give each other nicknames, to call each other big and little brother. Once, Virgil would have laughed at the idea that he might want to spend time with Creativity over Deceit. Once, he would have gone running to him when he had suffered a nightmare or panic attack.

Until they had fought, of course, until Virgil had let his pitiful - at the time - desire to be part of the Light Sides world overwhelm his proper and right desire to stay in the dark with Deceit. Who made it very clear that he had no intention of trying to ally himself with the Light Sides, even if it was for the good of Thomas and how could he think that?

Hiding only made things worse and he couldn’t help Thomas the way that Thomas needed to be helped if they kept cloaking their intentions behind shadows and word play. They wanted to keep Thomas safe and Virgil would do anything to achieve that goal, even things he hated. It was worth taking a deal with people they didn’t like for Thomas’ sake. Virgil knew he was lucky in that they eventually grew to like him and even on his worst days he was able to comfort himself with the thought that they tolerated him at least.

It could have so easily gone the other way after all and very nearly did when he had felt it all too much and had chosen to duck out rather than crawl back to the Dark Sides.

Even now, he wasn’t really sure how he felt about Deceit, a strange churning of conflicting emotions that tore at his psyche, pulling him this way and that. Lying had always made him feel sick, had set his own anxieties off, which had made their friendship a strange thing even from the start. Somehow it had worked though, and for so many years it had been good, had been the cornerstone of Virgil’s life.

Until the fight. Until Deceit screamed exactly what he felt about Virgil, exactly how much he hated him and how pathetic he actually considered Anxiety. Just thinking about that fight made the breath catch painfully in his throat, made him want to cry and he didn’t cry. He wasn’t the sort to cry, at least not in front of other people. He wouldn’t show that kind of weakness.  

Virgil looked down for a moment, finding the zipper on his sleeve, awkwardly playing with it. There was far too much going on in his head for Virgil to actually say any of it and he needed a lot longer than one night to explain to Roman their whole past, both his and Deceit’s and then his and Roman’s. He couldn’t even think about how to start explaining everything that led up to the first video Virgil appeared in and why he had acted the way he had done.

There was no excuse for his behaviour and Virgil wouldn’t seek to create one. Just an explanation but even that felt tied up with so much weight behind it, so much that he didn’t know where to start. Virgil exhaled, feeling the air against his teeth as he did so.

“If... when you watch them, just... just remember that’s not who I am anymore, okay?”

“You make it sound as though you were a villain or something,” Roman complained. There was an odd expression on Roman's face as he said those words, Virgil feeling a fluttering of panic in his chest, a brief terror that maybe he had remembered something. Maybe he hated him again.

It didn't seem like a bad expression though, but more of a questioning one, as though Roman was on the cusp of remembering something and that... that really didn’t help with Virgil’s anxiety but perhaps he could handle being on the edge of remembering. That meant that there was still a chance for Virgil to create a better impression, to convince Roman not to hate him.

“Try and get some sleep okay Roman? It will probably be another long day tomorrow. I’ll wake you in a couple of hours.”

Virgil pulled his knees up tight against his chest, staring deep into the heart of the fire as Roman sighed in turn, muttering some agreement before lying back down again.

Tomorrow would be another day and he would face that challenge when it dawned.

[gleepotluckbigbang]

Coffee Shop Writing Prompts by @veronicabunchwrites

To start you guys off, a prompt list by @veronicabunchwrites. Veronica is no longer on Tumblr, only on Pillowfort, so I can’t reblog, only repost, sorry about that. The original post can be found here.

100 coffee shop au writing prompts!

there’s something about people meeting and falling in love over hot drinks that presents such a cozy atmosphere. it’s no wonder that it’s a favourite. some of these prompts are classic because who can resist the tried and true?

01.  clearly you’re going through a bad breakup because this playlist is the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard and I’m begging you please change it 02.  you’re my favourite employee because you always have my order ready on the days I’m running late to the office 03.  I order the same thing as my boss in case something happens to their coffee and one day, you write your number on the cup I give to my boss 04.  my friend swears that you can pick the perfect drink for anyone but I’m skeptical because there’s no way you can look at someone and just know their order - and of course, you nail my drink 05.  I run the shop beside your bookstore and I’m trying to convince you that it could be beneficial to knock down the wall between our shops and you’re being a big pain in the ass about it 06.  I hired you to make drinks not flirt with every customer that walks in and how dare you accuse me of jealousy, get back to work 07.  you were a dick to my coworker so I’ve been writing insults on your cups and why the hell do you keep coming back here anyway?

08.  I know you’re about to close and I swear I’ll give you a $20 tip, can you please just take my order? I’ve had the worst day possible 09.  a $20 tip isn’t worth me staying open late, but then you burst into tears and I end up asking you if you want to hang around to talk 10.  you’re the night manager who runs open mic nights and I’m the baker who starts at 3am so sometimes our paths cross and I like talking to you 11.  you never order the same thing more than once and just as you’re about to get to the end of the menu, I start adding new things because I’m afraid you’ll stop coming in 12.  I’ve been writing lame jokes on your cups because you’re the grumpiest person ever and you finally crack a smile 13.  you always get my order wrong and I’m pretty sure you’re doing it on purpose just so you get a free drink out of it because employees have a crap discount 14.  I’ve been working on this essay/project/article/etc. for the last ten hours and I’ve barely moved so you come over to give me something to eat and ask if I’m okay 15.  I’m dragged to open mic night by my best friend, and while I’m ordering my drink, your voice fills the room and I’m mesmerized 16.  there’s a poetry slam and while I’ve never gone on stage, I’m obsessed with your stuff 17.  you were rude so I insult you and you just left a $50 tip??? who the fuck do you think you are? 18.  I decided to use my personal (and massive) mug collection when I opened my shop and you start hanging around just to see which mug you’ll get 19.  I open a cat cafe with a separate room for the cats that are all available to adopt, and you keep coming in to sit with them even though you’re allergic 20.  I haven’t seen you in years but you just walked into my coffee shop and by your snooty attitude, you don’t seem to know that I own the place 21.  I really don’t care that you’re a famous celebrity, you will stand in line just like everyone else and that’s that 22.  this shop is really busy but I need their wifi, so could we share this table? 23.  we’re working on our school project in this cafe and I’m pretty sure my group just figured out that I have a crush on you 24.  I have a job interview and you're the clumsy employee who just spilled hot coffee all down my white shirt 25.  I’m on the worst blind/Tinder/Grindr date and you ‘accidentally’ dump a drink on my date to save me 26.  you’re a big city person visiting my tiny coffee shop in a small town and you’re so rude when you ask if we have cappuccinos that I lie and say no 27.  I just bumped into my ex so I slip my arm in yours to pretend you’re my current partner even though you were just standing in line behind me 28.  my umbrella broke and I just stepped into your shop soaking wet and you run upstairs to get me some towels from your apartment and I’m sorry I’m crying but this is the nicest thing that’s happened to me all week 29.  my AC isn’t working at my apartment so I’ve been spending most of my spare time here and using your wifi and I think you’re flirting with me 30.  I’ve been hanging out more because I sit at the counter to watch two baristas flirt (OT3 bonus!) / and you join me so we make a bet on when they’ll get together 31.  I named my coffee shop Coffee Shop and you’re the customer who loudly talks about how stupid the name is 32.  I’ve been sitting in the break room wondering how to ask you out on a date when you come in and announce you were just asked out by a customer (bonus if OT3!) 33.  you’re a famous celebrity who ducks in to my quiet shop and asks if you can hide, and I mean, sure, but are you going to order something? I have to make a living here, dude 34.  I know you own this place but dude, this song has been on repeat for the last hour and I will pay you to change it 35.  I’m really nervous as I’m meeting a family member for the very first time and you’re the kind employee who sits with me to help calm my nerves 36.  you’re staring at me and I don’t know why until you tell me I’ve been singing along to my music and I’m mortified because I didn’t realize 37.  I saw your Help Needed sign in the window and you look busy so where are the aprons and how can I help? 38.  every day I write a quote on a chalkboard on the wall and apparently you’re the author I just quoted but you’ve never shown your face in public before so why are you telling me? 39.  someone left a note in the suggestions box that the barista is the cutest person they’ve seen and I’m laughing as my coworkers discuss who it could be when you quietly admit it’s about me 40.  you just cut in front of me in line and I’m not in the mood to let it slide 41.  I noticed you were on ao3 reading smut and when you go up to get something else to drink from the counter, I realize you’re reading the fic I posted twenty minutes ago 42.  your dog and my dog just tangled their leashes outside the coffee shop and now they won’t leave each other’s sides, so do you want to join me at this table? 43.  I know it’s not my place but your teenager seems to be mixed up in a bad crowd and I thought you should know they’re hiding in the bathroom crying right now 44.  your father comes in weekly at the exact same time and orders the exact same two drinks because that’s what he used to do with your mother and you come looking for him 45.  I really need you to put up this flyer on the community board but you’re sort of being a prick about it 46.  you hire my band to come place on a weekly basis but the more time I spend with you the more time I want to kiss you 47.  you’re my ex who I’ve never really gotten over and you just surprised me by paying for my coffee and I’m not prepared to see you 48.  my coworker wrote my cell phone number on your cup when I wasn’t paying attention and now you’re texting me 49.  after overhearing you order the eccentric coffee shop owner’s drink of the week, I warn you that it never tastes good (bonus if you convince me it’s great this week so I sip and suffer with you) 50.  the last clue to my partner’s scavenger hunt is supposed to be here, and while I’m looking for it, I discover that you’re my partner’s friend who set the whole thing up (bonus: ot3) 51.  I sold my business for millions when I was in high school and tried to disappear from the spotlight but I’ve just been spotted drinking your coffee and feel bad since you’re overwhelmed with the sudden influx of new customers 52.  I overhear you talking to your friend about how you’re planning on meeting up with your ex and I can’t stop myself from butting in because that’s a bad mistake 53.  I’m hosting a food-eating contest to raise money for charity at my shop and you seem to have an endless stomach that makes me a little concerned 54.  I catch you in the act of placing your newspaper over a customer’s cell phone/wallet/etc. and then stealing it when they deny you money 55.  you walk into my coffee just before close looking like a runaway bride/groom/princess/prince/royalty so I stick around to keep you company 56.  meeting at the coffee shop feels like fate, but now we’re sitting here because I’m terrified to tell you my big secret 57.  you’re a grumpy customer who doesn’t talk but you always have the most fun tie/socks/dresses/sweaters/etc. and I look forward to see what you wear next 58.  I’ve been obsessed with your homemade soups and I always rave about them to the cashier but I didn’t realize you also make them until you surprise me with a new recipe 59.  I rent out your shop for the evening to propose to my significant other and they dump me on the spot 60.  I run a baking class one night a week after hours at my shop and you keep coming back despite being the worst baker ever 61.  you left me a bad review so I’m tracking you down to yell at you and demand a retraction 62.  you’re the contractor I’ve hired to build individual bathrooms so I can offer genderless options for people (bonus if contractor is trans/nb/gender queer) 63.  I host a board game night every Friday and you always come in with your best friend and ask me to teach you a new game and I cannot believe you’ve never played Life before (or: insert own game) 64.  I’ve been getting really creative with my foam art and I do some naughty-bits to amuse my coworker on their drink when you mistakenly take it and think I’m hitting on you 65.  I’m wiping down a table when I notice that you left a cell phone number on the back of your receipt for your lunch and I ask my coworker if I should text you (bonus if ot3) 66.  every time you come into my shop, I swear you have a new sticker on your laptop and I desperately want to ask about this one 67.  you come in to steal the shop’s wifi for video calls with your mom/dad/family member and when they see me in the background, they think I’m your new partner 68.  I really suck at my job but I desperately need the money and when I get fired for spilling your coffee all over you, you offer me a job because you feel bad 69.  we’re coworkers who make out in the supplies closet and get caught by another coworker (bonus if ot3!) 70.  someone enters my hot chocolate into a contest for the National Best Hot Chocolate and you’re the hot judge who gets snowed in town for a few days 71.  you join me at my table thinking I’m your blind date and you don’t stop talking about how nervous you are for this date so I don’t get a chance to tell you that you have the wrong person when your actual date comes up and thinks you were hitting on me while waiting for them 72.  I watch you pull out a flask and add alcohol to your drink and then you wink at me 73.  I’m playing a game on my computer but I keep failing at the level so you tap my shoulder and tell me how to beat it (and we spend the rest of the afternoon in the coffee shop bonding) 74.  I've been assigned a fluff article about the different types of people who spend their days at coffee shops but I can’t seem to figure out why you’re here (articles: x, x, x) 75.  I found you curled up under a blanket asleep at my front door so won’t you come in, I’ll get you some food and give you a job 76.  you’re my favourite actor in my favourite TV show but by the sounds of that phone call, you seem to be having a rough day so instead of flailing, I offer you some words of support 77.  I don’t know how to spell anyone’s names correctly so I spell them phonetically and you always mumble your name so I just make up something 78.  I bump into you and knock your coffee out of your hands and you look like someone just died because you’re having the worst week ever and can I make it up to you? 79.  we met online and you suggest this place for our first date and I’m terrified you’ve catfished me or you’re going to stand me up 80.  when people hit on me and ask for my number, I usually make up a number to put on their cups, and today I just happened to write your number on your cup so you call me out 81.  you’re my significant other’s ex and you’ve invited me to coffee to tell me that I can do better and our connection is immediate 82.  I’m in the middle of a rant about this book I’m reading and oh my god you’re the author in line behind me and I’m sorry, not sorry 83.  you take a selfie and I photobomb you, but you don’t notice until the entire photo goes viral so we agree to meet back at this coffee shop 84.  I’m sorry for laughing at you walking into the glass door/window, please let me help you up 85.  I’m a little concerned that you might be too addicted to coffee since you always come down from your office to my little shop to get your fix multiple times a day but my coworkers think you have a crush on me 86.  I’m expecting an important phone call but my phone is about to die and please, please let me borrow yours 87.  I know your sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’ but can I please give you a really long explanation as to what has led to me desperately needing coffee without a shirt or shoes 88.  I’m a witch barista and I charm your drink so that you have a better day 89.  I’ve been trying to borrow this particular book that the local/college library only has one copy of and I just realized you’re reading it at this coffee shop and goddammit, why haven’t you finished with it yet? 90.  some asshole just stole your purse/backpack without you noticing so I instinctively jump into action and chase him down the street to get it back for you 91.  you’ve cut in front of me in line for the last three days by shooting me a charming smile and leaving me a little dumbfounded but today, that will not fly 92.  I keep making work-related puns and you’re the grumpy coworker who refuses to find me charming 93.  you sit down at my table and quietly tell me to pretend we’re talking because you’re trying not to be seen by someone and I’m so confused as to what is going on but you’re cute so I’ll roll with it 94.  you order the same obscure drink from the app but I always miss you picking up your drink from the counter and today, I’m going to finally watch to see who you are 95.  I don’t know who you think you are, but you really can’t make this shop your office unless you’re going to order more than one tea for the eight hours you stay here 96.  you read tea leaves as a hobby so I always bring my cups to you when I’m finished 97.  you look like you’re having a bad day so I get some icing and draw a smiley face on your cookie 98.  I overheard you talking about how you wish my shop had board games so the next time you come in, I watch your reaction to my new shelf of board games 99.  you’re the very kind employee who brings me my favourite tea when you witness my public (and loud) breakup 100.  this coffee shop is owned and run by queer people and is so very gay with our decor and the names of our menu items, and I’m pretty sure you’re not as straight you think you are because you keep coming in and asking a thousand questions 101.  you dropped to your knee to tie your shoe but suddenly, people are congratulating us on getting engaged and we just scored free coffee so we roll with it 102. I’m wistfully watching a couple when you come up to the counter to order something and get frustrated with my daydreaming

[doodlebugsandbumblebees]

You are straight-up a very sweet Hufflepuff whom I would be delighted to know any and everything about, so is it alright if I go ahead and ask EVERY question for the question meme?

Awww, wow!!  That really means a lot, thank you so much!

Alright here we go then!  We’re going to get to know me a whole lot better lol because these questions are pretty fun.  Obviously this will be a pretty long post so I’m putting it all under the read more

weird asks that say a lot

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffee mugs I think.  I have a pretty big collection of those.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

This one is hard!  Probably chocolate bars though.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Cotton candy 100%.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Hmmmm, I think hardworking and sweet came up a lot?  I was very much a teacher’s pet and the perfectionist anxiety set in early lol so I was a busy, over-achieving bee.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

I prefer soda bottles.  Glass bottles especially.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

It really depends?  But I guess I’m more tomboy style than anything else.

7. earbuds or headphones?

Earbuds because I like to have one in and one out so I can still hear what’s going around me.

8. movies or tv shows?

TV shows because I like having more time to get to know the characters (and domestic/casual situations for overpowered or zany characters are way more likely to happen in a show than a movie and I live for those lol).

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Rain on pavement because it just storms and storms in the summer and it’s so nice.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

Hmmm I was good at anything that involved running?  And games that involved those wheely board things you sat on and scooted around on were always fun.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

It varies?  Bagels or toast most often I guess.

12. name of your favorite playlist?

Sick beats.

13. lanyard or key ring?

Key ring with a little stuffed animal on it.  Right now mine has a bee on it and I love it.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Jolly ranchers.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

Tuesdays with Morrie was pretty good.

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Criss-cross.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

My plain white sneakers.  They’re not real pretty or anything but they’re very comfy and I don’t have to think about whether they match things.

18. ideal weather?

Partially cloudy all day, storm in the afternoon, cool in the evening.

19. sleeping position?

Always on one of my sides.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Notes on my phone or on my laptop with my typewriter keyboard.

21. obsession from childhood?

The Lion King and anything related to it.

22. role model?

Jane Goodall has been at least one of my role models since I was ten, but my mom is a big one too.

23. strange habits?

I’m still getting over periodically chewing my fingers?  Does that count?  I also have a quirk when it comes to touching certain metal things but especially coins so when someone hands me change I do everything I can to avoid touching it and hold it in the bills if I can.

24. favorite crystal?

Kinds of crystals I presume?  I’ve always liked rose quartzes and amethysts (especially amethyst geodes since I have a couple of those).

25. first song you remember hearing?

Probably something from Tarzan or Mary Poppins since those were my childhood movies.  So Stepping Time from Mary Poppins would be a good guess.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Swimming.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Walking around in it because it’s hardly ever truly cold here and I like to savor it.

28. five songs to describe you?

I change music taste every five minutes so I’m going to say songs that describe me right now are brand new by ben rector, just a quail by louie zong, turning out by ajr, everything stays by olivia olson, and hooked on a feeling by blue swede.

29. best way to bond with you?

It’s all in the time.  I get attached to people pretty easy as long as they’re nice and we can goof around, have fun, and talk about whatever.  So putting time in to hang out means a lot to me.

30. places that you find sacred?

Hmmm, being deep in forests feels sacred to me so there are certain waterfall hikes in the smokey mountains and along the blue ridge parkway and in Hawaii that seem very special to me.  And then disney world and disneyland will always have a sacredness to them for me because they’ve meant so much to me and the happiness it brings people is pretty magical.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

My comfy jean shorts and either my yellowish flannel or my guardians of the galaxy shirt with my rebel jacket. 

32. top five favorite vines?

Caterpillar Rave

I Smell Like Beef

I Could’ve Dropped My Croissant

Michael with a B

This Is The Comedy Police

Honorable Mention: FR E S H A VOCA DO

33. most used phrase in your phone?

Probably “okay cool” because I say that a lot.

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

We are farmers, bum bud um bum bum bum bum.

35. average time you fall asleep?

1 AM.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

Oh gosh the first one… probably one of those vines up there.  It might have been fre shavocado.  This was a long time ago though.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

Suitcase.

38. lemonade or tea?

Tea because I can’t drink citrus without it setting my mouth on fire lol.

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Lemon cake but I don’t have it often for the reason listed above.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

Some kids in elementary did something weird in the trees behind our school because the teachers weren’t watching them (I never knew exactly what it was but it was Bad tm) but the teachers didn’t know exactly who it was so they punished the whole grade and we were forced to only play kickball during recess for like 7 months and it was the worst.  It’s not exactly weird per say but I always found it wild that the only conceivable thing they could think to do to solve this problem was force a bunch of scrawny, socially awkward, miserable children to play ground baseball with a permanently half-deflated rubber ball.

41. last person you texted?

My brother.

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

Pants pockets but only because I don’t get to use jacket pockets as often as I would like to.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

I’m completely tied between hoodies and bomber jackets.

44. favorite scent for soap?

Ocean.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

These are my three faves, not fair!!  Sigh, probably superhero because even with sci-fi and fantasy my faves tend to be my faves because they have superhero elements.  The colors, the Drama, the angst, the powers??  What’s not to love.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Baggy t-shirt and athletic shorts.

47. favorite type of cheese?

Smoked gouda.

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Watermelon.

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“Keep moving forward.” from Meet the Robinsons most, but I also like “The bottom line is if you take a chance in life sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen but, honey, if you don’t take a chance nothing happens.” from Dorothy in Golden Girls.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

I don’t know about the hardest I ever have (because I am very lucky and have a very funny family so I laugh a lot) but watching vine compilations for the very first time with my siblings made me laugh really hard.

51. current stresses?

Fitting everything in.  Days just don’t feel long enough and social situations plus school stuff always get to me but I’m doing okay.

52. favorite font?

I do like times new roman even if it’s used a lot but I’ve been using the font yananeska for calligraphy stuff lately and it’s a cool one.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

They’re always a bit dry and on the warmish side but they’re pretty good.

54. what did you learn from your first job?

Have never had a job job but I volunteered in a library for like three years and it taught me to enjoy the details, slow down and enjoy the quiet, simple tasks, appreciate really excited kids, and try to help people whenever I can.

55. favorite fairy tale?

Aladdin or beauty and the beast I suppose?  I like that there’s multiple ways to interpret those stories and that they can be played with in some fun ways because they’re such interesting concepts by themselves.

56. favorite tradition?

How cities all over the world string up lights on things in the winter.  It means something different to everyone and some do it and some don’t which is totally fine, but this idea of lighting up the world during the bleakest month, and how some people go all out with colors and patterns and synced to music, and how everyone does it a bit different, and how entire cities are just smothered in lights means a lot to me.  I think it’s a very cool and very human thing to do.

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

The tough year before my family moved, getting through my really intense anxiety years where I couldn’t travel in cars for more than fifteen minutes without throwing up, and my month away at art school.

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Hmmm, I guess I’m pretty proud of my writing ability, my singing voice, my art skills, and my ability to talk to anyone.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

Probably something goofy like “YEET” or some variation of “That’s bonkers” because I do say those a lot.

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Superhero.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

“That’s all it is, a leap of faith.” from Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse is still pretty special to me.  As is “I never thought I could do any of this stuff, but I can.” same movie.

62. seven characters you relate to?

Aaaaaaaa another hard one.  Whoo boy, right now my gut instinct is probably: Judy Hopps (Zootopia), Miles Morales (Into the Spiderverse), Raph (Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), Spiderham (Into the Spiderverse), Hagrid (Harry Potter), the firbolg (the adventure zone), and Sam-I-Am (Green Eggs and Ham).

63. five songs that would play in your club?

At the moment I would want you make my dreams by hall & oates, cantina band by John Williams, the bones by maren morris and hozier, hooked on a feeling by blue swede, and backflip by rivers cuomo to play.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

Coolmathgames.

65. any permanent scars?

I have a round scar on my elbow from when I skidded across the ground after crashing my bicycle.

66. favorite flower(s)?

I like lotus flowers, gardenias, and plumerias.

67. good luck charms?

My DnD dice, rocks (like my obsidian, sodalites, and amethysts), and my ten little lucky owl statues in different colors.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Beverly soda is the worst but a specific flavor I really don’t like is pickles.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Mantis shrimps punch so fast that the water around their punch boils.  Also they have seventeen color receptors compared to our 3.

70. left or right handed?

Right handed.

71. least favorite pattern?

I’m not quite sure?  I’m not crazy about optical illusions that look sort of smeared and are all black and white because they hurt my eyes so probably those.

72. worst subject?

I’m not great with math or sports, but I’ve gotten a handle on math as of late.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

I’m not sure if they’re weird but I’m willing to try a lot so ketchup and mayonnaise is great, barbecue sauce and cheez-its is very good, and apples dipped in nacho cheese or salsa is not bad.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

I think 4.

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I think I was five?  Not sure.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Baked potatoes but fries are very close.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Aloe plants.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

I don’t eat sushi so coffee from a gas station.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

School id photo.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Jewel tones.

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

Lightning bugs.

82. pc or console?

Console.

83. writing or drawing?

Probably writing because it’s more straightforward to me but it depends.

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts.

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie.

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology because it gets wild so fast and cracks me up sometimes.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cupcakes.

87. your greatest fear?

Being annoying or mean without realizing it and driving people away.  I’m constantly scared I’m going to mess everything up which I need to work on because it’s hard to live that way.

88. your greatest wish?

Going to get a bit cheesy but to someday be a zoologist with some fun hobbies, travel often, feel satisfied with my life, and spend my days with someone I truly love and have a lot of fun with.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

Anyone in my family because we’re really close and they would do that for me.

90. luckiest mistake?

Probably going to an up-ity art school for a month a few years ago because while I was extremely depressed, homesick, and felt like a big failure the whole time, if I hadn’t done that and had my dreams crushed by some mean professors I might have gone there for a whole semester and spent a bajillion dollars to learn the same thing.  And it inevitably put me at the school I’m at now which I’m very very happy with and suits me so much better.

91. boxes or bags?

I like boxes.

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Fairy lights because I’m a sucker for colors.

93. nicknames?

Doodlebug is the biggest one.

94. favorite season?

Fall.  Colors, halloween, thanksgiving, cooler weather, I love it ALL.

95. favorite app on your phone?

Spotify.

96. desktop background?

A painting of a whale shark from the Georgia aquarium because going there was a big deal for me and it’s very pretty.

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

Maybe 3?  I don’t have to memorize them much anymore lol.

98. favorite historical era?

I kind of like the 1920s aesthetic these days but I love very scattered things about history so picking one era is tough.

[tervacious]

Since Everything is a Feminist Dissertation Imma blog about Shane Dawson’s palette for a minute

Nine times out of ten when you make a statement and end it with BUT, you have outted yourself as a hypocritical ass who should have the ovarios to say what follows the BUT without the opening statement.  Maybe this will be true for me too.

In agreement with most radfems I totally think the cosmetics industry is a clusterfuck of male entitlement and wealth being siphoned away from girls and women to men and male CEOs, etc etc, and I also think the sheer amount of product and time involved in placing thirty-five different products on one’s face to achieve a “natural” look is insidious and a perfect exemplar of what misogyny functions like on a daily basis, BUT

I’m a survivor of an extreme fundie xtian cult that controlled female behavior by emphasizing conformity, femininity, modesty, and lack of adornment/personality.  I did not like this even as a small child because I’m a loner, Dottie.  A rebel.  Which means I was a totally normal little girl who didn’t like being controlled and who fought back at every opportunity.

Which might explain why I’m a goth.  I’m also an artist, and I’m on this planet, as are you, for a very tiny amount of time, and if I want to spend a fraction of that time adorning myself and wearing lots of black eyeliner, by the goddess I’ll fucking do it.  And there’s nothing radical or feminist about that, any more than there’s anything inherently radical or feminist about not doing it.

I have a single small dresser drawer filled with makeup, and I’ve been eyeballing it recently because I should really pitch out and replace about 80% of it for age related reasons alone.

And thus we come to the Conspiracy palette by Shane Dawson x Jeffree Star, and also the mini palette, Lorde help me

Jesus christ, look at that.

I only buy one eyeshadow palette at a time and use it until it is gone or falls apart into dust.  The current state of the beauty industry is such that they are pressuring women and girls into buying palette after palette, some of them enormous, some small, but a grown-ass woman owning stacks of these things is not unusual anymore.  And new ones are coming out constantly-- to the point where there’s a whole part of beauty YouTube devoted to “the anti-haul”, in which people announce which makeup thing they will NOT be buying.  This is a sorry state of affairs, there’s no way around it.

I don’t collect makeup because that’s silly.  It’s a huge waste of money.  I watch otherwise sensible women hoarding vast numbers of eyeshadow palettes, and they use only one or two colors and that’s... just sad?  Apply that to the vast quantities of makeup products, to your lipsticks and glosses, to your pencils and correctors and corrector palettes and concealers and blushes and highlighters and contours and powders and foundations and primers and mattifiers and setting sprays and mascaras and a bunch of others things I forget, add a pile of false eyelashes and I don’t know, eyebrow merkins or some shit, and that’s what a well-appointed makeup afficionado is supposed to have in her arsenal.  And all those things can’t be just one-- you have to have multiples, for reasons.  But I honestly think the eyeshadow obsession is the worst, which is strange coming from me, because I adore eyeshadow.  

And yet in spite of this I have a black stand-alone eyeshadow pan, and one large palette that is cheap, made in China, not great but with a lot of weird colors in it, so I use that one when I bother, and a few pots of glitter.  My plan is to use it up or wait until it’s too old to use safely, and then pitch it/repurpose the case for something (it is literally the size of a laptop with a huge mirror in it so I can think of something), and get a new palette.  I only buy one at a time, and use it until it’s gone.  You know, like a rational person.

At first I’d decided when the time comes I’d get the Jawbreaker palette and mini, by Jeffree Star, because I loved the colors, but now I’ve changed my mind, because Shane Dawson’s not only has a case that matches my aesthetic, it also has awesome colors and, most importantly, BLACK.  I use black eyeshadow alone or to set my eyeliner, so I’m devoted.  And while all of these palettes have too many neutrals for my taste you can always use those for some kinda detail, and the Conspiracy Palette is my jam.  It’s really gorgeous.  Not gonna lie.

The documentary he made about the making of this palette is interesting on multiple levels-- there’s the process itself, which I didn’t know shit about until now.  There was the portrayal of his relationship with Jeffree, which was interesting and often pretty funny, and touching.  And from my chronic can’t stop writing feminist dissertations POV, the way women are the target of this business and yet completely sidelined was a real eyeopener.   Let me just mention this one part:

In the final episode when the palette is assembled, each pan glued into the box and then the box boxed up, there’s a song with a woman singing about how she’ll never be Prom Queen.  Shane is walking through the assembly line, emotional, because this is his project coming to fruition.  Jeffree is with him, and Shane starts crying, and Jeffree comforts him.  The song is clearly meant to be something Shane feels.

But the scene is of dozens of women, none of whom will be prom queen, none of whom are about to make millions of dollars on cosmetics, in white coats and hair protectors and goggles, busily assembling a beautiful object, which one suspects only a few of them will be able to afford for themselves though I can’t swear to that, it’s possible they are paid well, the place is unusual, Jeffree makes all his product in the United States, and I’m not inclined to jump to conclusions.  But they are anonymously and busily working, putting together this thing, meant for women, and no woman really had any functional input into this project at all.  This was, as everyone was joking, Shane and Jeffree’s baby.  A baby.  You know, the thing a man can never have.

I appreciate film making that reveals truth, even if it wasn’t intentional.

So other than that there’s not much to say.  You can watch the epic thing yourself on YouTube, it was entertaining (and good for me because I need to opt out of some of the heavier shit I’m always buried in, yet one more reason I fucking QUIT MY JOB and am now FREE,) but if you want a look into the way the business works on the indy end of the spectrum, not the old timey Cosmetics Corporations but the new one that Jeffree Star basically spearheaded and upturned large chunks of the old business model, I think this documentary is a good one for understanding exactly how marginalized women remain in a business that ostensibly is directed at us.

The reason I think women like watching men like Jeffree and Shane and whoever else do these things is because it aids and abets the lie that wearing makeup is all a choice women make.  The men are choosing, because men have zero pressure on them to do these things.  Women are taught to have affinity with men and to ignore their lack of affinity with us.  These bits of entertainment are a great brainwashing reinforcing device, to get us along for the ride, to hop in the car we never ever get to drive.  And none of it is intentional, which is the best part.  As smart as Shane is, the joy of being male is you just take things, casually, as your birthright.  You’re totally entitled to make a nine-hour epic following your friends and family, unapologetically, put it on the internet, and get accolades, including the one I’m writing right now.  You’re entitled to dictate the facts as if they contain a great truth.  You can be totally unaware of the impact your decisions have for the greater bad.  You can think you’re helping your sister-in-law through her crisis created by the very culture you are responsible for while mocking the women she blames for making her feel bad.  This set of films is a monolithic treat for a radical woman to confront.  And I hope, since there’s truth hidden in plain sight throughout, that a lot of other women and girls will see it too.  Will notice the few females scattered throughout the film, consulted in the most cursory way, knowing they have to perform or they’re replaceable.  I’m an Old, and used to seeing the real world, which has looked like this all my life.  I don’t know what a fifteen year-old will see.

Tati Westbrook also released a new eyeshadow palette last week I think, and since people think if she puts out a forty-five minute video she’s talking too much, she naturally did not film a massive docudrama showcasing her Eyeshadow Palette Journey or whatever I could imagine her saying.  Thus she was very much overshadowed by something that won’t appear for sale until tomorrow.  I have no doubt she’ll do well, but will she make twenty million dollars?  Will she do as well as she could have if she were a man?

Should anyone, off of what is essentially bullshit?   Pretty, gorgeous bullshit?  Of course not.  That’s the actual feminist conclusion, it doesn’t matter if a male or a female is profitting off of, essentially, the insecurities and desires for cool new things and to be hip and liked and looked up to, which all of us have to some extent in some arena.  I’m not immune to it either, ain’t lying again.  It’s always an unseemly pleasure to have someone half my age ask me what I’m wearing and where I got it.  Capitalism has conditioned all of us to associate material things with social acceptance and admiration, and if you are a materialist person like I am, that association comes very easily.

Anyway, that’s it, that’s the bit.  I have no doubt this thing will sell out in approximately two hours, which will happen without me because my old eyeshadow palette still works.  

[09yards]

chapter 5 - broken hearts club part two (days gone by - NCT)

Days Gone By masterlist | main masterlist

Broken Hearts Club part two

Me without you is like driving without the headlights

Me without you is like waking up without the sunrise

Never thought I could feel the way I do, but I’m not just me without you

  Mark really didn’t know how he ended up here. The clock to his left reads something past one-am, there’s an almost empty (but not quite) bottle of vodka clutched tightly in his hand as he’s singing at the top of his lungs to ‘breaking free’, a delightful quintet by himself, Renjun, Jaemin, Ten and Johnny. None of them able to be classed anywhere close to sober at this point and if his mum ever found out they would be in an indescribable amount of trouble. Mark’s small eighteenth get together had turned into a full-blown party where a solid ninety-eight percent of attendees were either drunk out of their mind, high off the ground or both. They would be so, so dead if this wasn’t fixed before their mum came home.

  But, as luck would have it (for Mark anyway) apparently the moment the music switches to a remotely sexy song, that’s the cue for his friends to start grinding on one another, as if Jaehyun and Doyoung having been missing for the last forty-five minutes wasn’t disgusting enough, their dancing was borderline pornographic and Mark was not in the mood. Especially not as he was feeling more single than ever, it was beginning to feel like all of his friends were coupled up – including Donghyuck who’d been dancing (luckily appropriately) with Heejin from is literature class, all night long. So, yes, Mark was feeling great. Hadn’t he been called back inside with the exact promise that this wouldn’t be happening? Mark was not having it tonight; he was very much ready to continue his drunken state and find someone to make out with himself.  His choice of the night, making it seem like he had multiple options besides the game of thrones superfan from his maths class which he isn’t sure how ended up here and the generally creepy boy who’d been harbouring some sort of crush (borderline obsession) with Mark since they’d met a few years ago and once again Mark had no idea how he ended up here, maybe it was because he doubled up as a pizza delivery guy and he just didn’t leave afterwards, who knows. Nonetheless, Jungwoo was in attendance due to being Marks old maths tutor just a couple of years ago who Mark happened to have developed a small, harmless crush on. Jungwoo was cute, he was kind and sweet and always looked out for Mark – sure Mark would never harbour any actual feelings for him but that wasn’t necessarily the point of tonight. Mark wanted distracting, no longer wanting to having to force his eyes away from watching Hyuck dance with Heejin and watching her look just about ready to kiss him, no Mark did not want to watch that. 

  Thus, his attention turned to Jungwoo, dancing, making out, continuing to drink with Jungwoo. His hands slipping under the elder’s shirt as they danced, Mark leading them out of the swarm of bodies up to his room. Heaving chests and heavy breathing filling the room as they kissed against Mark’s bed. Frantic movements, gasps of one another’s names as they moved against each other. Intoxicated by one another – getting lost in each other. Maybe it was the vodka and whatever other concoctions Mark had been consuming all night but this felt easy, it felt simple. No complicated love confessions, just a ‘hey, want to dance?’. Mark liked simple but simple did not like him, hence the I’m-in-love-with-my-best-friend-who-isn’t-gay. Not exactly the simplest of things. Yet Mark made do, kissing Jungwoo distracted him from Donghyuck. Distracted him from the way Hyuck’s eyes were lined with a smoky eyeshadow and made him look beautiful, or the way his hair was currently dyed blond and god Mark didn’t think he could get more ethereal yet here he was proven wrong again. Or the way that Hyuck smiled at Mark, particularly under the warm glow of the sunset as he’d arrived, the light bouncing off of Hyuck’s cheekbones and Mark having to hold back from the urge to reach out and kiss him, instead Hyuck wishing his ‘Markie’ a happy birthday with a quick, quaint kiss to the elder’s cheek – Mark felt like he fell in love all over again. He could practically feel his soulmate mark burning, how he longed for this to all be some childish prank and things would work out and him and Hyuck were really soulmates, not just some wild fantasy.

 “Mark,” a breathy moan, “we’re drunk, m-maybe we should slow down.”

 “Don’t worry Hyuck, it’s fine.” And well shit, that just happened.

  Jungwoo was quick to push Mark off of him (understandably so), muttering ‘I knew it’s’ and ‘I should’ve knowns’. Mark frantically apologising, attempting to defend himself until I simple, stern “Save it,” filled the room. Jungwoo left, grunting a “happy birthday” before slamming the door and maybe Jungwoo was right, Mark really should’ve known. Where did he think making out with a guy who clearly liked him but everyone (bar Donghyuck) could see the way Mark looked at Hyuck. Mark felt guilty, trying to force feelings and realising that he can’t do easy-breezy when he’s in love with someone else, he couldn’t keep kissing other people pretending that they were Hyuck.

 Apparently Satan was feeling awfully generous tonight because as there was knock at his bedroom door and Mark was hoping, or rather praying that it was Johnny or Renjun or Jaemin or anyone besides Donghyuck, Donghyuck’s head appeared around the door, his collarbones visible from the attractively loose white button up he was wearing drooping down against his shoulder, revealing more and more intoxicating sun-kissed skin. Mark whined internally, it was his birthday, can he not breathe for five minutes?

 “Hey, you alive in here Markie? I caught Jungwoo rushing out the door, when I asked him what was wrong, he called me a bitch and told me to ask you.” His voice lilting at the end, a half question, half statement.

 “Shit, sorry Hyuck, he got the wrong idea and we sort of ended things quickly – he didn’t give me a chance to explain.”

 “Ah, no worries, you know I’ve been called worse.”

 “Shouldn’t you be with Heejin?”

 “Lucas and Johnny are attempting to send everyone home; I think Injun and Jaemin are staying and taking one sofa and the same with Jaehyun and Doyoung.”

 “Didn’t feel like walking Heejin home?” Mark didn’t mean to sound so bitter; he just didn’t want to get caught up in Hyuck as he usually did. He refused to look at the younger, meaning Hyuck changing into Mark’s joggers and t-shirt went completely unnoticed – probably a good thing as Mark was feeling very weak and exposure to that kind of beauty is not good for his heart.

 “No. I wanted to come and cuddle my best friend on his birthday? Stop being so grumpy and shove over, I’ve missed my snuggles.”

 And so, Mark let him climb into bed, let Hyuck nestle his head in the dip between Mark’s shoulders, hands wrapping themselves around Mark’s bare torso. Thank the lord Mark was so drunk he was on the verge of passing out.

    The late morning sun always made things seem more beautiful to Mark. Slithers of light streaming through the cracks in the blinds always made everything seem hazy, softer and more delicate. Golden rays flickering across them, allowing Mark to register their changed position, now laying on his back with Hyuck curled into his side, looking tiny in the way he’s tucked himself underneath Mark’s shoulder. From this angle, Mark can see the way Hyuck’s long lashes cast shadows across his freckled cheeks, fluttering as Donghyuck slept.

He could feel his heart pounding against his ribcage as Hyuck’s breath tickled against his exposed stomach. Mark’s hand running through his impossibly fluffy hair, the blond suited Donghyuck, he’d always admired his tendency to mix things up with his hair colour where Mark just stuck with black, albeit it was technically dyed to the inky jet black it was at the minute. Mark could stay here forever, his hands cascading through Hyuck’s hair, admiring Donghyuck’s beauty, makeup or bare faced, Hyuck was unique and just beautiful. His fullsun. He was cute when he slept too, all pouty lips and features softened.

 It still hurt, sure, how could it not?

 It was sweet, the way he felt in these moments but it was also dark and bitter. It made him feel whole, at home and warm inside but it broke his heart, physically pained him to know he was holding onto someone who wasn’t his. A bitter sweet love story. Mark let his eyes flicker shut, allowing sleep to consume him again, an escape from the real world.  

    “Hey, Mark? Are you awake? Get up you lazy arse!”

 “Go away, Renjun.”

 “It’s like two pm, isn’t your mum back this evening?”

 “Shit,” Mark sat up as quickly as he could without jostling Hyuck awake, “I’ll be down in a minute.”

     “Ah Mark, lovely for you to grace us with your presence, how’s the hangover?”

 “Jeez Jaehyun, do you have to speak so loudly?”

 “I’m literally speaking at a normal volume?”

 “Too loud. Shhh.”

 “Markie!” Mark hissed as Johnny’s voice radiated across the room, far, far, too loud for someone with a hangover, “aspirin and water for my baby’s first hangover,” Mark snorted at that, “okay, your first hangover that I’ve witnessed.”

 “So, Mark, what did I walk in on?”

 “What are you talking about Injun?”

 “You, shirtless, Donghyuck wearing your clothes, clinging to you like a koala bear? I smell boyfriends.”

 “How do you smell boyfr-“

 “Shut up Jaemin.”

 “The moment he heard Jungwoo had gone upstairs with you he said good night to Heejin you know? When he saw Jungwoo rushing out he looked about ready to kill him, what happened?”

 “Me and Jungwoo may or may not have been making out and then I may or may not have moaned Hyuck, very, very clearly. And, for fuck’s sake guys, we’re not dating.”

 “Yeah, yeah, whatever. I believe you,” Renjun’s attention quickly turned back to his phone when he didn’t get the answers he wanted, “oh shit.”

 “What now Injun?”

 “Mark you need to make sure Hyuck doesn’t look at his phone, that updates blog has posted that he’s gay – they say they were told so it was obviously Heejin and not being able to understand getting rejected. Oh my god, what if his parents find out?”

 “Mark? Mark! Mark, come back we need to talk about this!”

 He’d run back upstairs as fast as he could, there was no way Hyuck had slept through the commotion going on downstairs – no matter how hungover he was. Any minute now Hyuck would see the tweets, people commenting on how it was obvious, people commenting on who he thinks Hyuck’s dating. Most of them being Mark. Mark being gay wasn’t any kind of secret, everyone (generally speaking) knew that he was, he never hid it, he made out with boys at parties, he had multiple pride pins on is backpack and what-not, sure he wasn’t screaming it in the cafeteria like Ten used to, openly talking about how much he wanted ahem, body parts, of one’s older brother – yes, Mark will forever be scarred for life by Ten and his invertedness to socially inappropriate conversational topics.

 “Hyuck, you up?” Mark didn’t need to ask the question, he could see Hyuck sat up on his bed, scrolling through his phone.

 “Why do you look so panicked Mark? I’ve been on twitter and it’s whatever, if my parents see it I’ll just deny it, like always.”

 “They’ll really believe that you’re telling the truth?”

 “No, but they won’t know I’m telling a lie.”

 “Sorry? Did you just say you are, you know, that you are that?”

 “Don’t act like it’s so taboo Mark, besides I don’t want to discuss my sexuality with you. I better head off, mum’s been asking what time I’ll be home,” Hyuck got out of bed, picking up his own clothes but not removing Marks, grabbing one of Mark’s hoodies as he walked over, stopping just in front of him, “I hope you had a nice birthday, whatever happened with Jungwoo you can talk to me when you’re ready,” another gentle kiss to Mark’s cheek, “see you later Markie, I’ll text you.”

Mark was left blushing and well-and-truly flustered, the typical after effects of Donghyuck.

[aggresivelyfriendly]

Hi babes! Chapter 4 for you! It’s a biggie!

Eternally grateful to the tripod, without @dirtystyles -and @bleedinglove4h I would fall on my face- maybe into someone’s cleavage if I timed it right!!

Ski Da Yo- Chapter 4

It's silly really, the entire scenario that she's found herself in. Ada could laugh, nobody would hear it over the music. It's loud, and people are taking turns at the stage. Though She could go join the group, she should, rather than lurking in the corner like a weirdo, fixated on a previous performance. She's not laughing, even at herself. She'd kinda drooling, way more embarrassing.

But she just had to watch him.

He was in his element, relaxed, on, charming, lit up like a Christmas tree. Merry, bright.

She'd never seen him like this, in the flesh. Glimpses, in the interviews she watched and called research. She'd seen the fuss there, agreed to the picture partly on the strength of it.

She could see it, what the fuss was about. And it was the first real glimpse she'd had, besides those moments she felt she had to steal from him to get on film. She was beginning to think there was a limited supply of Styles' magic. Perhaps, that was why she was only able to get a precious few minutes a day.

Watching him now, that did not seem to be the case. Harry was incandescent and she felt blinded by the light. She could chalk that up to all of her rockstar fantasizes brought to life, but it didn't explain everyone else's rapt attention on him, their enthrallment. Maybe they all had a grunge fetish too?

When she walked in and she clocked him, even with the stupid glasses that obscured his face, festive she supposed, he looked different.

On set he looked, perfect was the word that came to mind, but not in the way people usually meant. Polished and made up and proper in his prince clothes.  Perfect, fake. And anxious, like the film was a bit of an albatross around his neck. Or maybe the pressure.  And he looked like it was heavy, all the trappings trapping him. Ada worried over it. Like, the movie made him regress. Maybe it felt too familiar. He said that a lot when they talked about scenes, when he was frustrated with himself.

"I know just how he feels."

Because he had been there. Is that why he had such a hard time getting the shot? Because it made him freak out a little, feel like he'd not called his own shots for years? But he'd made these choices. Had agency. Maybe she could help him see it as therapeutic. Because it was a way to safely rebel - a redo, no risk.

She'd talk to him about it. They needed to have that drink. She could order him one now.

Ada shook her head. Not tonight. She didn't want to kill his vibe tonight. It was too lovely to watch, and to live she guessed. No shop talk.

He looked light as a cloud, and as soft edged too.  Nothing perfect or fake about him. His skin was a little slick under the stage lights, the ridges near his nose were shiny especially. He had glitter on his cheeks, but not like highlighter, like the glasses he wore were cheap, and shedding tiny pieces of shine.

But he did shine.

And he had sounded good.

Not everybody could sing Nirvana, in a chest voice no less.

She was weaned on that. And really into indie rock, especially grunge, while her dad was fostering 90's slick hip hop. It was a silly means of rebellion, but she took her opportunities to disappoint Garner seriously.

She remembered her dad had called the cover of in utero obscene, which made her laugh as he had just put out a video full of nearly naked females in bikinis, but anatomical drawings were obscene. Okay.

She had snuck a new copy in after he threw the first one away and poured over the lyrics in her baggy jeans and crop top with a flannel. Had a giant crush on Kurt, May he Rest In Peace, and when she met Dave Grohl it may have been the only time she was really starstruck.

Well, she felt like she had been hit about the head by a celestial being currently. Harry had it, that was for sure. How had she missed it? The bushel basket he'd been hiding his light under must have been thick. There was something obscuring her view or his personality definitely. Not tonight. Star power was all over him tonight; that was the boy she had signed up to direct. Right there, from those red carpet clips she'd watched. Those sold her and then she had watched concert footage, shaking camera and all. Those were another level. This silly karaoke gig almost matched the wattage when he was bedecked and bantering on stage. He looked dashing, and like he could carry a movie on his thick shoulder pads all with a joke on his vibrant lips. That man was in this building, singing one of her all time favorite songs. It had an effect.

Wow, the rasp in his voice. God, she was still reeling and hiding out in the back like her crush was nearby.

Her eyes widened.

That's what was going on! She was doing what she had done with Danny Diaz in 10th grade. She wasn't teenage dream obsessed about him, really. But, she'd paid him a lot of attentions, clandestinely. He'd been so cool, and was really into raving. Which, in hindsight, made his post high school life a little clearer. But he liked music that had nothing to do with her dad and he was cute, had long bangs and a shaved head and he could dance! She loved to dance.

She needed to go, before this bloomed like a cherry blossom and she fell off in a great big clump to wait for shoe marks. Like 10th grade, only less poetic.

The pathway to the door was clear. Her heels on the floor made a click click click, though nobody should be able to hear it. She turned back to make sure nobody was following her, was watching, and her heel caught, right in a crack in the concrete floor.

"Shit!" Her ankle twisted and her heard a crunch, that was not good, but her trajectory to the ground wasn't either. Her hands went out to catch her.

He smelled good, like leather a bit, smoky, with a sweet tinge. And he caught her and hoisted her up like she was feather light. She never felt like that, because she was the tallest of her friends, not even tall, just taller, and she had never been small. She had that insta baddie body before it was popular. Grown up in the big titty, little hippy 90's. She always felt huge.

But not right now. He had her, was righting her before her weight came down and she properly broke something. This felt like that time she'd sprained her ankle jumping fences to go skating with the boys. Stupid heels.

Back to the rom com moment she found herself in. He's caught her under the arms. His hands span her whole armpit and his fingers curled into her scapula. Ada spared a thought for how sweaty her underarms might be. Yuck! But she should be ok, she'd gotten properly ready, lots of antiperspirant. She knew that, took a deep breath and then realized she'd missed something. He's staring at her expectantly. The rockstar with the totally revealed charm. Harry.

"What?" It came out with no finesse, like a burp.

"You ok?" Harry was kinda grinning and loose, left eye more hooded than his right, and his breath, definitely 80 proof. She heard the shift and he's no longer got her in a dip fit for a tango . She felt like she'd been whirled and thrilled.

"Um, I think I'm ok." She realized they were still locked in an embrace when she tried to check her foot. Ada looked down at the place his hands had migrated to, on her hips. She didn't really need to look, she could feel all ten fingertips, like little bruise marks formed from hope not pressure. It saved her from looking at her own hands where they were full of the muscular forearms she knew to be covered in tattoos beneath the green button-up he had on. It was a a stall.

But Harry released her the minute he saw her eyeing his familiar hands. She had him well trained apparently. Massive walls between them. They were massively out of place at the moment, regrettable. She wasn't balanced on her feet yet either. Ada nearly fell before he steadied her with a rebound hand at her hip. She caught it to stand on one foot, for safety.

Her ankle circled around ok. She felt a twinge of pain, but it was entirely manageable. That was good. She'd probably need to stay off of it, no treadmill tomorrow, and she'd need to elevate it. Ice too, she could ask the bartender for some.  She was plotting how to locate an ace type bandage, and who would be best to ask for that. They may have some in makeup - they'd used them to bind breasts on Wildflower, but she couldn't think why they'd have them for this movie. Harry had perky nipples, but they didn't need to be bound. Stop thinking about Harry's nipples. The lowlight would thankfully mask her blush. Wait, Maybe she could ask his friend, Masa, he owned a gym.

Harry. She could ask him too. And that would be really easy because he was still right there. Holding her hand.

They had laced their fingers at her hip. Ada looked at Harry, he had a huge lazy smile on his face. Pleased as punch. She was punch drunk, though she wouldn't say it. He looked so young and toothy. Though the gathering of sweat at his hairline, little droplets above his upper lip, made him real. Imperfect.

She shook herself and their hands unlatched. "I need ice I think?" Of course she needed ice. What was she talking about? Who even was she? Next she's start babbling, and tuck her hair behind her ear and duck her chin.

"Yeah, and a way to put it up." His head swiveled around and he nodded. "C'mon." He gently took her arm and looped it around his shoulder. He was just tall enough.

The table was closer than she would have liked, a walk under his arms was worth remembering, but it was good for her foot. Harry sat her in a booth and put both hands out in a straight stay there motion then grabbed a chair and propped up her ankle gently. The wrong one, but she went with it.

"Be right back." He tripped a little as he looped off to the bar.  Ah, that looked normal. The trip to the bar was only the chorus of the song too. He didn't wait long for the bartender. The whole place seemed to be filled with their group, pleasantly vibrant, but not busy. . It was a quick exchange, with a little sign language thrown in. He was big on hand talking on a normal day. Gesticulating when he described most things. He was very full body engaged and engaging before scenes, before he floated away on her.

Huh, she just thought about that, Henry wasn't gesticulative. A little more in the Akio scenes.

She hadn't noticed that Harry had layered physical control into his performance. She found herself nodding. That was good.  Made total sense for a royal.

He was walking back to her now with a thin white towel and he was crunching ice in it.  Oh shit - she hadn't switched feet, she'd been watching him.

"Cold!" She flinched, "a little warning Styles!"

"Sorry," he chuckled. "I figured me walking from the bar with a towel after I went over to get ice was warning enough." He curled his tongue a little at her and the ice gave her goosebumps.

Wow, maybe he needed liquid courage on set sometimes. All his nerves were gone.

"Usually someone tells you they are about to put ice on you, even nurses, unless they are trying to be little shits!" She arched one of her brows st him. They were her favorite feature and she used them to her advantage.

"You got me, just wanted to see you squirm, since you get to see me uncomfortable a lot." His slow cadence sometimes bugged her on set. It was another thing she could find irritating, during the literal 11th hour. Ada talked fast. She talked a mile a minute on set because they had shit to do and her brain was usually ten paces ahead of her mouth.

But it was kinda nice, the way he took his time.

"You sounded really good! When you were singing." Oh God he blushed. It was his job to sing, did he know that? "You moonlight in a Nirvana cover band often?" She flexed her foot where his hand was still moving ice around to find the sore ligaments, on the wrong foot. She followed the fire and ice.

He squawked a laugh. "No, just the one time, and only because Kunichi is so persistent. I think he could sell bad fish to a Tokyo chef!" He raised his eyebrows and Ada caught her hand just before she covered her laugh.

"So, it's not the song you've always wanted to sing? That wasn't you living out your teenage rock dream?" He shook his head, just hers then.

"Oh, it's a great song, I love rock." He moved his head like, obviously. His body of work spoke to that. "But I like a little more melody when I'm convinced to do karaoke," he made a drinking motion and she was laughing again. "I like disco divas and duets. And if there is absolutely nobody around to tell on me or god forbid, record, Britney Spears is a blast to perform." He'd placed his hand to block his lips from curious eyes and leaned in to tell her this secret. His lips were plump, they like to reach out and touch her faith.

She was thirsty.

Oh shit, did she just say that out loud? How much had she already had, while skulking in the shadows?

"Sure, what do you fancy?" Quicksilver grin, poisonous and enigmatic.

"Um," what had she already had? "A dirty martini!"

"How dirty?" He flashed his eyebrows.

"Very, three extra olives." She gave him her single brow, the one that she used to dare him when that was what he needed on set.

"Three olives!" He made a shocked face. "Well, I never." And he gave her the goofiest grin and went to grab her drink. He looked comfortable. Like a favorite hoodie she wanted to wear. She only got to really watch him one way. He was back quickly.

He sat by her when he put down her cloudy drink. She'd switched legs while he was away and thought she'd got away with it, but caught his eye as he was studying her legs and he smirked at her.

That was a damn good face. "You need to do that for the scene Monday, the one at the club." Ada segued seamlessly into shop talk. She was actually really excited about that one. It was set at a place she had frequented in her time here; she had really happy memories. She was feeling really excited too, this felt like an actual fresh start, she should have taken Harry up on his offer of a drink ages ago. He was a joy loose. This was the rapport they needed, him loose and smirky, handsome with a side of solicitous and cocky sauce. This was the Harry Styles she'd been waiting for!

🇯🇵🇯🇵🇯🇵🇯🇵

Harry felt like he should get an Oscar for this performance. For his steady hands, that he was currently sitting on, and the confident smirk. It wasn't all an act, but the amount of times he'd had to turn this on like a lightbulb in an interview was invaluable right now. It was mostly fake those times, maybe even faker now. He had been relaxed and joyous, and then he had been so relieved to see her smile at him, he just went with it. But the minute he walked away from her, the first time, for the ice, the nerves kicked in. But he faked it, like a seasoned porn star, because she was looking at him, and touching him, and holy shit! Ada Scott was hanging with him. He would keep the action and make the moans believable.

Wow! Was this the way women felt all the time? When they had to put on some performance for the man they were interested in, or for the men they weren't, but couldn't offend?

It felt easier to relax tonight. The day had set him up for success. Things had ended so well on set, and he'd been in the best mood, and had gotten brave. He'd gone to her trailer. To invite her again.  Harry was excited about the evening at the bar and seeing music, though he wasn't sure what it would be like, because it wasn't a gig, nor karaoke, some hybrid he had been told. He liked novel nights out.

But everybody was coming. His whole Japanese network, including Jeff and Masa and his girl!

Everybody but Ada. So he'd put on his man panties and went going to ask her.  She needed to be there, and even though she'd turned down all of his invitations and returned the replacement shoes, he was going to ask her again.  For the whole cast. They had months left and needed to bond.

He needed to bond with her. It felt possible after their day on set, her brow wasn't creased and she didn't speed walk away. She slowed down enough for him to keep up. They'd had a conversation, not about a scene. He'd kept up and not drifted away on her voice. She walked and talked fast. He liked it.

Masa loved to laugh at him, and was doing just that while he psyched himself up to go talk to her. "Just go ask the lady." He'd arrived to take him back to the hotel to Harry stalling. Masa was giving him a look.

His grin was presumptuous. Harry didn't like it. It felt like he knew. Yuki knee, Masa might. Harry did, know, but he didn't think he was so obvious. Did she know?

"You need a tutu?" Masa heckled.

"What?"

"Your mind is like a dancer on drugs," he made a flitting motion with his hands. "you might need a tutu for making the decision. "

"Oh fuck off, man!"

"Just go ask her. It's a cast party, I haven't even met her and she's supposed to be the leader. She needs to come. A leader should." Masa's brow shrunk.

"She is the leader, she's the boss!" He was full of defenses for her. "If you were allowed on set you'd see."

"Oh, I'm not allowed." Harry had neglected to outright tell him that, just let him be distracted, that would run out when they had to go on location. Whoops.

"You'd make fun of me, I've been totally fucking up. So you aren't allowed. At all."

"Isn't the movie about a royal fucking up?" Masa said after catching his wheezing breath. He sounded like a dragon with hay fever.

Hmmm, Harry'd have to have a think on that. That was a plot point he should consider when he was flagellating himself. Maybe he could use it, all his self frustration. He shook himself and jumped up and down like he was going on stage, when he turned around to tell Masa he was going, he was laughing at him, again.

"What now?"

"Are you going to punch her?" He gulped the air. "You do that before you box."

"I just need to hype myself up." Harry shook his head out.

"She must be really pretty."

"Shut up." She was really pretty, but it had been an asset today, made the scene work and Harry had decided he needed exposure therapy. So he needed to be around her, more. He was gonna go talk to her, get used to her face.

He strode to her trailer and stopped cold outside before he could knock. For once, it was not over nerves, but his jaw which had dropped to the floor. That sound as coming from her trailer.

She was singing. Well!  To Mary J. Blige's Real Love. And he wanted to sit on the little steps up to her door and listen.

So she could have gone into the music business, had everything going for her there. Connected daddy, pretty face, hot body, and pipes. Wow, she could belt! He had goosebumps. Her voice was rich and evocative. Deeper that he expected.

And he could not talk to her.  Not now. Now she was even more impressive.

So he did what any brave young lad would do.

He asked his manager to do it.

Jeff smirked, but sent the text.  And like the magic 8 ball he could be, he made the face he did when the outlook wasn't good.

So Harry had resigned himself to Ada not coming to the bar.  He was disappointed, but also relieved. Those two feelings must be dating as often as he felt them together when it came to Ada. If she didn't come, he could relax and have fun, let loose, but not bond with her, or have another chance to impress her. Or throw up on her. There would be alcohol involved again. He needed to gain back the ground he'd lost when he spewed at her feet.

A second chance at a first impression.

But Jeff seemed to be right, as he often was. Ada was softer with him after the last cut because he had done a good job. He'd work that angle to bond.

He resigned himself to having another kick ass day on Monday for him and Ada, and having a great time tonight for himself, free of expectations. He was feeling buoyant, Kunichi had noticed right away, pounced and got him on stage. First on the drums, which he played like a 7th grader after a few lessons, and then on the microphone.

God, it was fun. So fun. And he felt the perfect amount of tipsy, like tomorrow he'd need two paracetemol and extra water, a good sweat and nothing else.

He felt extra intoxicated when he spotted Ada. In tight jeans and a slimmer t-shirt than normal, and high heels. He tried not to stare at her ass on a sneaker day, he was doomed with the thrust the 3 inches gave her curves. She looked amazing, but she looked like she was leaving. And he'd just realized she was there!

The social lubricant in his blood didn't give him a chance to think better of it. He was walking to Ada. He got there just in time. Her heel stuck in a crease in the floor, and he caught her. It was every rom com moment he'd ever sat on his mum's couch moon eyed over in one.

He got to help her. And he was able to talk to her like a normal human, and get her a drink. All in the span of 20 minutes!

She seemed relaxed, her shoulders pressed against her tee nicely, but were down, easy. And she smiled at him, a lot.

He was trying his best not to think, he'd spin out. When he went to get her ice towel and then the martini, god, she kind of flirted, right? People flirted with him all the time, or went mute. She didn't do either until tonight. And he was buzzing, more off the flirting at this point than the alcohol.

The little insecure boy inside, the one who was really loud in new situations or around new people, especially people he admired, was chiming in about the stage. The stage cast a spell on people, and he worried about people who knew him from it or expressed attraction to that aspect of him.

It's why he'd always held back with Helene, regrettably.

He didn't want to make that mistake again, he'd made wrong assumptions that cost him Helene's affections. He didn't want to do that here, wanted to do the opposite. Part of him wanted to dive in, head first, but he wasn't sure. Rejection hurt no matter who you were, and though he'd had his share, Harry's skin was still cling wrap thin. He wanted her to like him too.  He wanted this to be real. Which meant he had to be honest, and open. But he was rushing it, like he did when he was crushing.

He was going to let this night be what he hoped it would be, a beginning. And he was that guy, the one on stage, with the smirk, and the wit. He was also less commanding, and lost his cool at times, but she'd seen that guy. He just needed to show her more of his best side, tonight, and on set.

He caught Kunichi motioning to him. Ah, he'd almost forgotten his promise.

He leaned back, let his arm brush her shoulder while he relaxed. He'd turn on the charm for just a minute, he could manage that, he wanted something he'd been a little consumed with for the better half of this night. And he wanted it from Ada.

He flexed the dimple and titled his head to the side. "This smile?" He pointed his finger at his lips.

"That's a good one, but no. The cockier one!" Oooh, he really did love that eyebrow. Gave him tingles.

"I will do my absolute best," he smirked and her lashes fluttered. "If you'll come up and sing with me."

[eldritchsurveys]

345.

Is one of your favorite colors yellow?: >> Gold is my favourite colour, which is related to yellow. Are you into astrology?: >> Sure am. Was your last text an angry one?: >> Nope. What color undies are you wearing?: >> Blue striped. How old are your siblings?: >> ---

Would you rather wash your hands or use Germ-X?: >> I’d rather wash my hands, I hate the smell of hand sanitisers. Are you a sanitary person?: >> I’m... a tidy person who vastly prefers clean environments and is distressed when things are dirty, if that’s what you mean. But I don’t want everything in my house to be hospital-grade sterilised or anything. Do you consider yourself a model citizen?: >> I don’t know what a model citizen looks like, so I don’t know how to compare myself to it. Ever won school awards?: >> In elementary school. Have you ever had an eating disorder?: >> No. Do you throw the word ‘love’ around a lot?: >> I use it so infrequently that you could say I’m miserly with it. How many animals do you have?: >> None. When do you usually fall asleep at night?: >> Somewhere between 11p and half past midnight, usually. When did you last babysit?: >> I’ve never done so. Do you have a problem with odd numbers?: >> No. Ever had a fish tank in your room?: >> No. Do you wear a lot of plaid?: >> I have two plaid shirts, and one of them I wear a lot during the fall and winter. Have any friends with children?: >> --- Do you drink more soda than anything else?: >> I rarely drink soda at all. Do you wear hats often?: >> No. Do you know anyone who wears camouflage often?: >> No. What color pants are you wearing?: >> Black and red shorts. How many jobs have you had?: >> --- Do you listen to music while getting ready?: >> It takes me like 3 minutes to get ready for anything, so no. Christmas or Halloween?: >> I prefer Christmas. It just has more energy that I can tap into. Do you hate your last ex?: >> Not at all, but I won’t pretend any of what happened didn’t happen, either.  Have you ever been in a choir class?: >> Yeah, I was a choir kid the way some people are band kids and others are theater kids. What’s your favorite season?: >> Spring. Do you have decent grammar?: >> I mean, I guess. I don’t care. Are you ashamed of any of your family members?: >> --- Have you ever been attacked by an animal?: >> No. At what age did you learn to read?: >> I don’t remember, but it must have been early because I remember adults going apeshit when I read stuff as if I... shouldn’t know how to read that well at whatever age I was. How was your hair fixed during your last kiss?: >> --- Do you like animals?: >> I don’t have a general opinion on all animals. Do you think you’re attractive?: >> Sure. Do you curse a lot?: >> I sure do. Have you ever been in a courtroom?: >> Yeah. When did you last go to the library?: >> I don’t remember, it’s been a while. I usually just borrow ebooks. What color car do you drive, if any at all?: >> --- Do people ask you for favors often?: >> No. Do you think you’re reliable?: >> I think I am reliable when I want to be reliable, and I can be completely unreliable if I really don’t care about whatever thing I’m supposed to be doing or the person who asked me to do it. Are most of your friends older than you?: >> --- Do you ever wear cardigan sweaters?: >> Sure. Do you dress formally often?: >> I don’t. I don’t really own any formal clothes. Do you still live in your birthtown?: >> No. Do you eat a lot around Thanksgiving?: >> I don’t, actually. Most of the Thanksgiving fare isn’t all that attractive to me, so I don’t eat much of it. Have you ever been part of a study group?: >> No. What is your favorite day of the week?: >> Wednesday, by default, I suppose. How often do you dye your hair?: >> I don’t. Ever had a pregnancy scare?: >> Yeah. Do you have a busy life?: >> No. Is there a liquor cabinet in your house?: >> No. Do you enjoy family dinners?: >> --- Were you a chubby child?: >> I wasn’t. Favorite childhood movie?: >> The Prince of Egypt, but can I also get an honorable mention for The Pagemaster? That movie was sick. When did you last cash a check?: >> I don’t. Do you owe anyone any money?: >> No. What is your favorite citrus fruit?: >> I’m not sure. Lemon’s great. Are you afraid to sing in front of people?: >> No. Do you enjoy your family?: >> --- When did you last dance with someone?: >> I danced to Unchained Melody with Can Calah inworld a couple of days ago because we’re building new associations for that song. (The old association is... not bad, per se, it’s just... old and useless.) What’s the last sweet thing someone told you?: >> --- If you have a significant other, do you love them?: >> Sure. Are you currently broke?: >> Nope. Do your eyes change color sometimes?: >> Nope. Do you have any bad habits?: >> I’m sure I do, but nothing so terrible that I need to stop right now. What are you currently wishing for?: >> I’m not wishing for anything save for really frivolous shit like “a magical chef that brings me whatever I am hungry for” lmao. I’m pretty content with things as they are. Something you crave?: >> Hmm. Do you feel awkward watching sex scenes?: >> Nope. Although a lot of them are just fuckin silly and extra so I end up poking fun at the whole thing. Did you ever have senior photos done?: >> I vaguely remember something like that being done. But not the kind where you’re outside posing by a tree or some shit, like some of the senior photos I’ve seen. Just professional headshot type things. Do you plan on going to college?: >> No. Are your parents protective of you?: >> --- Have you ever been bullied?: >> Yeah. Do you ever help decorate during the holidays?: >> If I’m asked, sure. Do you enjoy cooking?: >> Not particularly. Do you trust your head or your heart?: >> I trust my emotions and my rationale to work well together most of the time, as they should. Do you attend church regularly?: >> Nope. Have you ever been to a concert before?: >> I’ve been... to at least a couple dozen concerts. What is your favorite television show?: >> I’m not sure. I like a lot of shows. How many colors are in the shirt you’re wearing?: >> I’m wearing a black undershirt. What are your plans for tonight?: >> Our weekly meetup at Cafe Boba. Do you have carpeted floors?: >> Yeah. Can you count to ten in another language?: >> Yeah. Why did you last cry?: >> I was extremely frustrated about this stupid cat of Sparrow’s and his years-long obsession with pissing in the corner where my computer desk is. I finally said “fuck it” and brought my gaming laptop into the bedroom. It’s an awkward setup because I can’t fit the desk in here so I had to jury-rig my nightstand and ottoman into a desk and chair, but... at least my room doesn’t stink. :| What color cup did you last drink from?: >> I drink out of a mason jar. Are you currently tired?: >> No. What time did you wake up this morning?: >> A little after 7a. Do you have to work tomorrow?: >> --- What color shoes are you wearing?: >> I’m not. How old are your parents?: >> --- Do you have any friends who are almost midgets?: >> --- Are you wearing any jewelry?: >> Just the jewelry in my piercings. Where is your best friend?: >> --- Have you ever been arrested?: >> No. Favorite candy?: >> I don’t have one. Do you always lock your door at night?: >> The apartment door, yeah. Do you get allowance?: >> No. Do you have a Facebook?: >> No. Favorite dessert?: >> I don’t have one. Are you talented at singing?: >> My skill level has dropped because of lack of practice. But that’s the thing with skills, you can gain or lose them depending on your commitment. If I wanted to be a better singer (again), then I’d just have to work at it (again). Do you enjoy the presence of children?: >> Yeah, until sensory overload kicks in. Which is a problem, because I generally like children. But dear god, they’re often so loud... D: Kittens or dogs?: >> Dogs. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?: >> No. When did you last straighten your hair?: >> I don’t.  

[tassium]

#TAYLOR SWIFT APPRECIATION LIFE

PART 2 - Fearless 

(click here for part 1)

So. This was supposed to go up yesterday. But then work ate my soul. And THEN it was supposed to go up this morning.... and I slept half the day after how tired I was from work eating my soul.

So! My timeline is all sideways but I’m GOING TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN DANG IT.

Without further ado, let’s get into @taylorswift‘s sophomore album.

1. Fearless

This! Song! I love this this song so much, oh my gosh. It opens perfectly - that drum hit and then that iconic guitar riff, which bleeds into TWO lead guitar pieces and then her VOICE comes in and just. Aaaah, I am a heart-eyes emoji over this song, honestly. I love the way it builds, the way it goes from, like... yeah, all the instruments are involved in the first verse, but they kinda kick it up a notch for the turnaround into the second verse, and then... the chorus hits. The drum build into the first chorus is so fun, but it’s not my favorite one - that title goes to the drop at the end of the third verse. The drums behind “capture it, remember it” are the best thing e v e r.

This song for me is absolutely all about the instrumentation, if you couldn’t tell. I like the lyrical content, and I think Taylor delivers a great vocal performance, but the production overshadows all of that for me. This song is definitive dancing-around-my-bedroom countrypop for me, and I think it is the ideal way to kick off this album.

2. Fifteen

I have... kind of a love/hate relationship with this song. I always have, thought I have to stay I’m a LOT less bitter about it than I was when it first came out. I won’t go into the gory details of it, but suffice to say that 15 was the age when I kind of... self destructed a little (it was the Disorder finally rearing its ugly head) and I was super bitter about the idea that for some people being fifteen meant ‘feeling like there’s nothing to figure out’ and first dates and meeting new best friends when I was like. Literally falling apart at the seams.

BUT! Now that I’ve grown up and started to come into being A Person with a metric ton of perspective dumped on me along the way, I think this song is really cute and endearing and nostalgic for a life I didn’t have, but in a good way. ESPECIALLY is this true when I listen to “in your life you’ll do things greater than dating the football team” and remember that this album came out a year after Taylor won the horizon award (”definitely the highlight of her senior year” oh my god don’t get me started about that speech)

And you know what? Time really can heal most anything.

3. Love Story

This album is just packed with iconic guitar leads, and I love it to pieces. This track is another excellent example of Taylor’s habit of building a track from softness into something a little more intense. I love her vocals on the second verse especially (that little oh-oh! in the middle just fills me with an unexplained joy) and then... there’s the fiddle turnaround into the bridge, which. If you read part one of this series, you know I have an obsession with those. (And it comes back for the play down to the outro, which. yes, good, I’ll take it.)

I’m something of a Romeo and Juliet fanatic, so maybe that’s part of what draws me to this song, I like the idea of a happy ending to the concept - Marie Kondo says throw it out if it doesn’t bring you joy, so. You know.

4. Hey Stephen

*Dreamy sigh* god I love this song. It’s such a feel good jam, and there are parts of it that I just find delightful, even though objectively they would drive me crazy in another setting (that electronic church organ sound in the background is one of them). And then! Taylor is just! so cute! that GIGGLE at the end of the bridge. Gosh. Who legalized this?

I think my favorite vocal thing that Taylor does in this song is the last post-chorus that leads into the actual final chorus and the way she leans into it. And if I was pressed to a pick a favorite ‘ad-lib outro’ thing, it would be this one.

5. White Horse

This song is such an interesting track to have on the same album with Love Story - they’re just total opposites and I think it’s an excellent choice of alternate narratives. (And yes, I’m aware that Romeo and Juliet isn’t technically a fairytale, shhhh)

I don’t have particularly strong feelings about this song until the bridge, because I love the bridge so so much. Honestly this song feels like a more mature version of Should’ve Said No (and if you read the first part of this series you know how strongly I feel about that song so...) Because it has the same sort of “you say you’re sorry but it’s too late for that” feeling to it.

Overall this track is an excellent example of lyrical storytelling - especially that “small town there in my rearview mirror disappearing now” is such an evocative lyric. I don’t have hierarchies for any of Taylor’s albums, but if I tried, I think this track would settle comfortably in the upper middle.

6. You Belong With Me

I. Love. This. Song.

It wasn’t until this listening to the album, actually, that I realized how much of this album contains more mature versions of the messages from the first album. Like, tell me this song isn’t like a more assertive version of Invisible or Teardrops on my Guitar. This feels like Taylor looking back at those experiences and saying ‘hold up, i’m not letting this happen again, get BACK HERE and let me tell you how I feel!’

But. Listen. We need to talk about this music video. This music video is like the ultimate coming of age ten movie condensed into 4 minutes. Tell me I’m wrong.

Never in my life have I felt so connected to Taylor Swift than during that dancing-in-her-bedroom scene. that’s exactly the kind of shenanigans I STILL get up to to this day. (Also, I will fight anyone who says they don’t love the Junior Jewels shirt.) I vividly remember seeing this video for the first time and thinking that having the Other Girl played by a brunette version of Taylor was just. Brilliant. And of course we have the classic scene of the girl entering the school dance and stealing away the boy for the happy ever after - still not sure why he would have that piece of paper with him, so I’ll just chalk it up under suspension of disbelief.

...But, really, Taylor.... who holds books like that?

7. Breathe

This song fills me with such a melancholy feeling - not that I’m complaining, because I love this song to pieces. It’s permanently connected to one of my friends, because we recorded a cover video of this song at about 1am the night before I left the first time we met in person.

I love love love Colbie’s harmonies on this song - a whole lot better than how I felt about some of the male harmonies on the tracks from Taylor’s debut.

I don’t have a lot to say about this song, but that doesn’t mean I love it any less. I like the more stripped down quality to the song, even though it’s not really that stripped down - all the same pieces are there, it’s just all in how they’re applied.

8. Tell Me Why

Once again, what an arrangement! I love this song for the lyrical content, yes, but this is another song that I love for the instrumentation more than anything.

Speaking of the lyrical content, though, this song is a look at a surprisingly toxic sounding relationship for Taylor’s usual topics. A lot of the things about this track sound like classic abusive tactics - though I don’t think that’s exactly what she’s trying to portray. This song doesn’t even have to be about any kind romantic relationship in the first place. It could just as easily be about a toxic friendship (god knows I’ve had enough experience with that to know just how applicable this song’s lyrics are)

But to talk about the music as well, real quick, just. The fiddle opening!! and the drums!! and the tasteful small additions of steel guitar! and Just. so much about this track that I love. Is it just me or does it seem like this album has a much more driving backing track on most of the tracks than we saw on the self titled?

9. You’re Not Sorry

It’s fascinating to me that Taylor paired this song with the previous track for her album lineup - they’re very similar themes - but this song seems... angrier, almost. That’s not quite the word I’m going for, but I don’t know what word I AM going for, so it’ll have to do.

I just. need to talk about Taylor’s vocals on this song. This is another one I would love to hear Taylor perform with her current vocal abilities, because I feel like it would be absolutely outstanding. There are spots in this track (’tired of being last to know’ and ‘there’s nothing left to beg for’ in particularly) where she leans into them a little bit, but I feel like given just a little bit more, they could really knock it out of the park.

10. The Way I Loved You

I have... mixed feelings about this song. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike this song, and I think it builds really beautifully, but... It’s just not one of my favorites. I just don’t have particularly strong feelings about this one either way. I’ll still sing along to it in the car just as intensely as to any of them, and there are moments of it that I like - the almost military beat in the second verse and her strident delivery of “he calls exactly when he says he will” is a very nice piece, but... overall, it’s just not my favorite.

11. Forever and Always

THIS SONG HOWEVER. heck man. I love this song. I will go ham for this song anytime any day. There are so many good choices in this track - the drumming is brilliant and I think Taylor’s vocals on this song are better here than on the previous track, which makes it kind of refreshing.

Favorite parts include the bassline in the first verse, the way everything drops out from behind “coming down to nothing” except for the drums, and the “you didn’t mean it baby, I don’t think so” instrumentation, which builds up into the solo so well - and then we get the bridge. which is. just. stunning. I have no other words for it. 

I love this song!!!!

Bonus commentary from the platinum edition:

The piano version of this song is so much more heart wrenching than the standard version. Her delivery is so much softer (those soft high notes are my favorite), there’s a lot more hurt in her voice, and I love her harmonies over her own vocals. Beautiful. Especially the bridge, those harmonies and her delivery of those lines... I get chills every time.

And. Listen. It’s called the piano version, but the strings added onto the second half is such a good choice. A++

12. The Best Day

Okay, so. Listen. This song is absolutely every bit as saccharine as people say it is, but I really think it’s entirely a choice. From my perspective on it, it’s supposed to read as if it’s got the point of view of someone much younger than Taylor’s, what, 18 years at the time of release? I love the line “I’ve got my big coat on” because that’s SUCH a great choice for a line about a five year old.

Now I just. Need to talk about my FEELINGS about this for a second.

u g h god this song kills me every time. From hearing other people talk about this song, it seems like it doesn’t hit you as hard if you aren’t a daughter or if you don’t have a good relationship with your mom. I am privileged enough to have a great mom, just like it seems Taylor does, and so I can barely listen to this song without crying through half of it.

Then again, that might just have more to do with the fact that I’m a total crybaby.

13. Change

WHAT AN OPENING. I will never not love the way it just blazes into life from the word go and then goes a little softer for the verse, as if giving you a moment to breathe before it throws that chorus at you. There are some incredible examples of instrumentation choices in this song (it all comes back around to the drums for me, I don’t know what it is)

And then there’s that one note - which, comparatively speaking, isn’t really impressive, but it certainly blew me away the first time I heard it. The build-up to it is so well done, with the quiet bridge-y bit leading into the explosive drop into the full chorus and then that instrumental outro-- be still my heart.

Time for the bonus tracks! All six five of them. >.>

14. Jump Then Fall

I love this song. This is tied to a friend of mine as well, primarily because of the line “I realize your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard”, which is also my favorite line in this song.

There’s a quality to the instrumentation at the very beginning of the song that makes me nostalgic for the days of recording tracks off youtube and ending up with these horribly compressed versions of them - even when i’m listening to it on spotify part of me questions if I have a corrupted mp3.

I can’t not smile while I listen to this song, especially to the second verse - “I like the way you’re everything I ever wanted” is the cutest thing ever and if you disagree, get out of my face.

There’s something so youthful and fluttery and cute about this song, it makes me feel as if I really am the one with this unbearably huge crush on someone in the best shivery way possible.

15. Untouchable

I didn’t know until I was listening to @stateofswiftpod (and yes i’m going to continue repping them because. amazing.) that this track is a COVER. I was blown away because... okay. Listen. I looked up the original version and... Taylor worked magic with this track. The original really is just... an average to mediocre pop punk song, okay? It’s exactly the kind of vibe I’d normally be into but then it just. doesn’t hold me.

But Taylor’s version is just Stunning. Her vocal delivery is spot on, and the final chorus makes me so happy, with the alteration of the melody. Honestly, her mind. To think that she listened to the original song and heard the potential for this piece of musical art just blows me away.

16. Come In With The Rain

This isn’t one of my favorites - honestly I have no strong feelings about any of the remaining bonus tracks - but there is something about the message of this song that hooks me. The idea that you’ve been wishing and hoping and thinking about something so much for so long that you’re just. tired. Too tired to keep worrying about it, so you just leave the path for it open and let yourself focus on something else.

17. SuperStar

This song also kind of fascinates me. The concept of Taylor as the fan instead of the star, set at possibly the very last point in her life where she could realistically sing the bridge - “I’m invisible and everyone knows who you are” - is just... there’s something about it, you feel? It’s like a time capsule from that exact time of Taylor’s life, and it’s wild to think how many people feel like this about her now.

18. The Other Side of the Door

I’ve elected to ignore the obvious read of this song where it’s just. Young failure to communicate and unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Here’s my take on the song: It’s about that feeling where you want things to go like a 90s teen movie, but that ideal teenage experience isn’t real, it’s all fictionalized for those exact movies. And you know that’s the case, you know that it’s all too good to be true, but you’re still kinda salty about it.

Side note, I really like the delivery on the ending lines, with the way it kind of contrasts against the music behind it.

Roll credits, we’ve made it to the end of another album! I don’t know about you guys, but I need a break. So I’m gonna do that, and we’ll be back with another review after a word from our sponsors.

Next up: Speak Now