#crying is Always the goal >:)
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over the last few months, what's been giving me joy is looking forward to every single arizona coyotes' "keys to the game". there were so many great one-liners that i have tens of screenshots saved on my computer. and you're telling me this is their key to the game in the franchise's potential final game??? brb crying
#nhl#im gonna be crying all night#arizona coyotes#yotes lb#*#'protect the house' and 'discipline' and the little howls as the goal horn .. you will always be in my heart
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“…How could he…?” vs “…How could he…?!”
#Guysgusygsugsgsuguyssss#They make me…#SO ILL#SO FREAKING ILL‼️‼️‼️#Their different reactions meaning the same thing but in a different way AUGFGFGDGDHDHD#Orion just…looks so heartbroken man#I HATE THAT DUMB SAD SHOCKED FACE HE ALWAYS DOES IN THE MOVIE IT MAKES MY HEART HURT 😭😭😭#I can’t do this it’s going to take them at LEAST 3 years to make another movie I can’t do this y'all…#Same goal different path ahh movie#Transformers One#TF1#TFOne#D-16#Megatron#Orion Pax#Optimus Prime#Sobbing crying and throwing myself out a window#IM TWEAKING OUTTTTTT#ON THE EDGE OF MY SANITY ✊🏾🙂↕️#Going to sob now..#D-16 will get an redemption arc okay hes not Megatron hes just misundertood guys guys im in the biggest hole of DENIAL#🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️ Manifesting redemption arc 🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️
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Would you ever make a non-graphic comic on Donnie laying the eggs?
I mean, I'm not opposed to exploring such concepts, generally speaking, (as I've repeatedly showcased lol), I just don't really know what a comic like that would really entail. I don't have a good story in my mind atm about this, so I don't have any plans r/n. 🤷🏻♂️ If y'all have specific questions about his experience and such, then maybe I'd get an idea for something, but right now I have no plans for it.
#i mean it's basically birth just to the left#i figure most of y'all (dear god plz) understand what that experience is like generally speaking#obviously every person and their experience is different but. you know. same basic steps for most people?#there's just a million different ways to do it and a million different ways to get through to the same end goal (more or less)#but r/n off the top of my head it would just be a lot of donnie swearing and crying and swearing and pacing and swearing etc etc etc#i guess it also depends on whether or not theres like? genuinely any interest for that type of comic#coz we've established im v down to make content abt '''taboo''' topics but i still often feel like im toeing the line lol.#so i kind of. gauge a lot of these things off of y'all.#gemini au asks#asks#anon#tw birth#cw birth#birth#kinda sorta#tw childbirth#cw childbirth#childbirth#sorta kinda#man whenever i tag these things one of the things that pops up under “popular” tabs is always like#things like b1rth k!nk and im like#nO#im trying to tag this for people who wanna blacklist it i dont wanna accidentally put it in the Pornography Bin#and there's nothing wrong with that like power to the ppl go off live ur life but like#A) thats not why im making this stuff and i dont rlly want it to be viewed that way#B) you know what im sure this isnt what the k!nk ppl are looking for anyway i dont wanna clog up their tags with off topic content--
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Here we go again
#they always meet their goal as soon as they start begging but these same people be on here crying about people asking for help from#horrific situations being scammers#ao3’s been in beta for years now right?#like I go on to read my Gojo Rengoku shit but I wouldn’t care if the entire site imploded in one night because this is ridiculous#it just makes you sad when sm of that money could go towards other shit#like ppl can spend their money on whatever they want but it’s distressing to see it wasted like this#rambling#like every other month they are asking for money and whenever#ppl ask about their finances and this and that they’re met with angry nerds crying about literally nothing important
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Zoro is like a compass, he is always pointing North.
Sure he gets lost, all the time, but his North isn't the same as everyone else's, instead it's something else. There is only the pull of his goals, his dreams, his convictions and beliefs. He's rigid, never faltering. Pointing only to what he believes is important. He never strays from his path, following it diligently.
He is a compass. The compass.
But meeting Luffy D. Monkey gave him a new North. A new pull to follow, his arrow changes direction but also not. Following his captain slots so easily into his life, falling between what he has always followed.
He gets lost, but he's always where he's supposed to be. Following Luffy, his captain. Being the swordsman of the Straw hats, being the first mate.
Because it's the same, the freedom of following his dreams is achieved right by his Captain's side. Being true to who he is, he has never strayed from his path. He points North.
Zoro points to his dreams, and he can dream right where he is. He is right where he is supposed to be.
#aaaaaaaaaaaaaa im sobbing#one piece#roronoa zoro#he's a COMPASS GOYA TRUST ME#his sense of direction is AWFUL but yet he's always on route#he NEVER STRAYS#ultimate ride or die#one piece zoro#moss head#i mean this in the most platonic way alive#he follows his captain till the end bc following his captain means following his goals UNDERSTAND ME ON THIS#straw hats make me cry
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more vampire aus. look at these guys theyre boyfriends. drew this at 2 am
#this au exists for rping#the main goal is ALWAYS gakukai#gakukaiyuuma polycule is smth so real... and so personal...#(crying hysterically)#i need to make this au everyones problem#vocaloid#gakuyuuma#vy2 yuuma#gakupo#gakupo kamui#my art
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happy schmidty 2nd goal of the season not even 5 seconds into his shift <3 honourable mention to mikksy and erod who helped him out there <33
philadelphia flyers @ florida panthers postgame interview | 11.9.24 (x)
#nate schmidt#niko mikkola#evan rodrigues#florida panthers#2425#NATE YOU ARE SO LOUD#I THINK MY EARS BURST SEVERAL TIMES DURING THIS#“great change by mikks i like to attribute a lot of that to him” THIS IS A MIKKSY GOAL IN SPIRIT#also mikks... thank you swaggy for saying mikks enough that youve infected another kitty with it 🙏🙏#nate who makes mikksy smile a lot during practise... i am taking notes always remember that#nate was so excited to talk about his goal im gonna cry#but that yeah did make my ears bleed SO LOUD
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maybe i’m just feeling really sad and stuff right now (i am, at least when this is queued, but that’s not the point) but i really REALLY wanna write something that just. makes someone sob. like yeah i joke that “i can never write happy stuff if it’s not upsetting it’s not mine sorry” but i feel like i never nail the raw emotion. i feel like i either lean too much or not enough into the “cliches” for it to work right. i wanna write something that just hits in the chest so hard so naturally, like i’m reading you perfectly at your worst. i want the sob to be genuine. and i wanna make it worth it. does that make sense??? idk. i know i’m still a “beginner” (haven’t been dedicated to writing poetry for even a year yet tbh; it was a hobby until my first class last semester) but like. this is my ultimate goal tbh. if i write something that resonates so strongly with someone that they cry and/or carry it for the rest of their life in a way that either hurts or haunts or relieves or maybe all of the above, then i guess i was a good poet.
or smthn idk
#idk my ‘making it’ has never been grand to me#even when i wanted to write stories my goal was always ‘if one person enjoys it then it’s good enough for me’#like. i don’t know if i want my work to outlive me in a grand way. i just want it to resonate#i want it to make the average probably queer probably isolated probably traumatized kid to feel so seen#if i can sincerely impact somebody with any of my work in any way that just haunts them in any emotion then. i guess my work was good enough#you know????#idk i’m still feeling emotional rn but like there’s a sentiment i’m trying to say but i can’t seem to say it right#if i can’t do that in my own tags how am i supposed to do it in a poem (/hj) 😭#like. like when i heard we’ll never have sex for the first time!! it was everything i’ve ever felt about my aceness!!#and yeah it’s an ace anthem to me and it’s beautiful but it still makes me cry yknow!!#because it’s beautiful yet sad to me (as someone who can never make that relationship stick) at the same time!!!#i want my shit to hit like that!!!#grace being kinda serious for once#text post#personal#poetry
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I think recovering whumpees with pets is vastly underrated. Whumpee with their emotional support animal. Whumpee taking better care of themselves because they have another little life to look after now. Whumpees with service dogs. Whumpees with guard dogs to keep them safe from whumper. Whumpees deserve a little pet. As a treat!
#whump#whump stuff#I like Wren taking better care of himself and working towards recovery#cuz he took in a stray cat and he has to take care of her and he might not worry about his own health but he HAS to provide her the best#and Alexei getting an emotional support dog#he doesn’t need to take him on his daily outings but he provides him so much support at home#he’s got a big ol Great Pyrenees who never lets him cry alone and is always right by his side#I like to think the original goal in getting him a dog#was so he’d have to get out of the house more to take him on walks#but they got him trained to support Alexei as well#I love. aminals.
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I am on a mission to learn how to draw can you believe these are literally only 4 days apart I’m feeling so pussy pussy cunt cunt rn
#also I know it doesn’t look like Marcia I literally today learned how to draw facial proportions I can’t fuck around too much yet#also I liquified her she wrong so it’s a lil fucked up but#I’m v proud :)#didn’t even touch hair or body or anything but that’s fine I just want to learn to draw Marcia’s face right#that’s goal one#I will not rest until I get this down#I will become the expert in drawing Marcia’s face#also do you love that I can’t remember any makeup look except the red and white one#I’ve used it for like 6 drawings of her now#anyways it’s crazy what a single 10 minute video on how to properly proportion a face can do#also I don’t know what my style is yet bc I just started so obviously that factors into things#anyways!#artist advice is always welcome critique might (will) make me cry :)#encouragement is always… encouraged 😉#anyways I’m v happy with myself#even though I opened the canvas and lost track of time and blinked and it was 2 am#also can I just say it took me a few tries but I’m loving the lettering on her name :)#okay that’s it I’m going to brush my teeth and fall asleep#also I’m still trying to figure out all the secrets of procreatepls aid#marcia#marcia x3#marcia marcia marcia#drag race fanart#my art#also there’s only a one hour difference between how long it took to do these that’s so funny#wow#also in my defense!#I was trying out different styles so I was trying to copy a more cartoonish style#but still :)#also it looks so warm on my phone rn bc I have night mode on but the colors are so pretty on my iPad :) and presumably here once night mode
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Considering the latest fast pass episode, I can’t help but wonder what comes next. Q-tip realizes not only how badly he mis perceived Nolan and treated him like as ass, but yui’s been drugging q-tip to keep him in control.
What will happen now that q-tip’s at Nolan’s door? Will Nolan return that beating he promised q-tip for assaulting him?
Will there be a sort of switcharoo in behaviors where q-tip does and gives up so much to tell Nolan he’s sorry? Only for Nolan to say f u over and over again?
How will yui even control q-tip, now that he’s aware of what she’s done to him? At most, it seems she’ll have to make him regress, unless he keeps this grim discovery from her.
I wonder if yui will even try to continue sabotaging Nolan, especially if she learns q-tip’s currently dead to the boy.
There’s so much to ask and talk about.
I actually think things are going to get so much worse for Kousuke now because of what he has figured out and because Yui is not going to just... simply give him up, you know? Because his predicament is that yes, he knows what she's done to him, but also: he knows that Yui's reach extends far beyond what his own can and he has no way of knowing who is in on her manipulation. Even something as simple as the realization that she refused to allow Hansuke to run the tests he wanted to do and had Kousuke discharged even though he was not well and should not have been is enough to show him that he has no control in any of this. It's her family's hospital, of course they'll do and say what she calls. But even that she threatened Hansuke's career over doing his role and duty as a doctor! That's above the law.
How does he know who he can trust? How does he know when he's been drugged? Obviously there are things like drugging him to make him pass out, but it reads so much deeper. What about the night he went to the club with Hansuke and Yujing? He barely drank but he was behaving and feeling as if he'd been drinking all night, with the auditory hallucinations, becoming aggressive and fighting people, leaving all of those voicemails, arguing with an imagination of his brother. What was already in his system before he began drinking and how did it get there?
Kousuke lives on his onw, not at the family home, with a hired chef. That one day he called Hansuke over because he was stressed out and nothing in his normal routine - including eating desserts - were helping him to calm down. Ordinarily the crepes would help him! But the crepes he prepared, because his personal chef was out?
There's all these little clues that show him he can't even trust his own hired help. What is possibly safe for him to consume?! Who all is in on it?
And that's just the drugging. He doesn't know yet that Yui threw out Rand's gift and replaced it with something subpar, something so out of Kousuke's tastes that it makes it seem like Rand doesn't know him or care about him at all. What happens when he realizes she did that? When he remembers every event Rand missed, or arrived late to, arguing with Yui about how she didn't tell him anything? Will he start to realize that she has been driving that wedge all along, that every time he moved closer to his father, to his goal, she got involved and ensured that gap was further widened?
When he starts to see for himself that dissonance in the way he views the world vs how others do? Will he be haunted by Yujing's words, that at no point has Nol ever fit the violent, unstable character Kousuke has attributed to him, that at no point has she seen that character in him - but rather that it appears to fit Kousuke more?
Something that we must keep in mind regarding Kousuke is that the way he treated Nol was not without reason. Yui has ensured that Kousuke always perceived him as a threat, and it appears she's gone to great lengths to discredit his character, the way he is perceived, the way Kousuke remembers him.
Does Kousuke even have a specific incident in mind that he can concretely recall to back up his claims? I think if he was pressured to tell him about a time, he'd fail to, because possibly no such event exists. What he believes is based on Yui's influence, what she told him in the aftermath of an event so traumatic he seemed to dissociate or white out as it was happening, that he has no actual recollection of, because of the drugged tea that has blurred his memories. The thing is, he absolutely believes Nol is violent and unstable, not as "someone told me this" but because he's been so very convinced of it.
But at some point he's going to become fully aware of that dissonance. We've already seen it coming up a lot, but every time it does he doubles down, because obviously if he realizes, acknowledges, that his accounts are falsified, it brings us back to that territory of "what can he trust, what is real"? And he's so close to that. The realization that he's been drugged is showing him that, and I think we're going to touch a little on it with his visit to Nol.
I absolutely do not think this visit is going to go well, not because I think Nol is going to fight him - I think besides the fact that he's heavily injured, it's clear that he's just tired and done. He promised a beating at the time because he was pushed to his limit, he was angry and in the moment, but that's not where he is right now. I think more than anything, Nol is just done with him, and if Kousuke comes in with this realization that she drugged him, too, that he denied Nol every time he reached out to him, what's Nol going to do? Say congratulations you figured it out let's be brothers? Of course not. It will probably be more something about how it took this long for him to figure it out, after he nearly killed him? Something about how he doesn't care, he's done, just leave me be, I don't want to be a part of your life anymore.
I don't think it's going to be bad in that it's going to be an altercation, but rather it's just going to be bad in that I think perhaps Kousuke is reaching out for help, or even reaching out because he's realized how much Nol needed him, and it's too late. Because he's finally faced the truth and it's too late, because Nol doesn't want to be a part of it anymore. And in that way, yes, I think we're very much going to see that role reversal, where Nol is done with all of this and wants nothing to do with him, even as Kousuke finds himself in Nol's position, alone and vulnerable with no one he can trust no one he can turn to, and Nol will refuse the assistance.
At this point, there's still a lot Nol doesn't know about Kousuke's circumstances and I do one 100% believe that is going to change in the future, that Nol's feelings towards him will change when he comes to understand how much Kousuke was manipulated, how much they were pit against each other by Yui - that Kousuke seeing Nol as a threat is as deeply psychologically ingrained in him as Nol seeing himself as a monster. Perhaps once Nol can begin to see the way he was manipulated to see himself as this horrible monster who brings nothing but pain, once he realizes that Kousuke was very much a victim of Yui, he'll see that he, too, was manipulated in a way that altered his psyche so much that Nol was never able to get through to them.
But for now, I think we'll see Nol shut the door on Kousuke and leave him completely alone and vulnerable. And frankly, that's painful for me, because I'm really glad Kousuke is finally getting to this point, finally starting to see the dissonance and realize that so much of what he believes is falsified or manipulated, but it's so regrettable that it's too late. 212 made it so clear that despite Kousuke's fears and desire, despite how his addled views warped the way he treated Nol, he still knew that Nol was the only one to really see him, to have ever offered him unconditional love. He sees in Nol so much of what he doesn't possess, the kind of person he isn't. Kousuke never had the option to be that kind of easy going, laid back, easy to befriend person, because he was taught to perceive everyone as a threat, that everyone wants what he has, and they only like him for his money and influence. And to some degree that wasn't actually wrong! Nol is one of the only authentic people Kousuke knew, who wanted to like him for who he is, but that perception of him as a threat was something he could not undo himself. It's agonizing for me, to watch these tragic brothers fight and hurt each other, and to watch Kousuke start to make these steps and reach that state of vulnerability and know that he's going to be (rightly) pushed away, that it will now be his turn to sit with his fear, to be so alone with no one he can trust, and fall apart.
And I think that's very much how Yui will be able to further control Kousuke - because she doesn't NEED to drug him to control him. He's alone, isolated, all she has to do is box out Hansuke and Yujing, all she has to do is ensure Kousuke has no idea who he can trust. If anything, we're set up for a worse potential where Kousuke's mental state falling apart allows for Yui to be more of a caretaker, to be more involved in his roles and duties, should it reach such an extreme.
Consider even if he was to evade her drugging following this he's still going to deal with the withdrawal, and how he handles stress as a result of what they've done to his system, as a result of what he thought was his normal base of operation being a version of himself that's been drugged. How do you cope? How do you deal with the stress, how do you handle that? And again, the withdrawal!
That future hint in the anime expo poster really shows us that Kousuke is going to be having A Very Bad Time in the future. Will he turn back to the drugs, because detoxing is so difficult? Drinking? He's going to struggle so much and I think that works to her advantage.
As for Nol, it doesn't matter what Nol and Kousuke's relationship is, she will never give up on destroying him. Nol's existence is a threat, that much she was right about, even if he never wanted what Kousuke had in the first place. Supposing the muko-yoshi theory is true (and at this point I strongly believe it is), Nol very much is a possible contender for heir as a direct blood relative of Rand. The theory goes that Rand would have been adopted into the Hirahara family and is treated as a blood relative, and that is is through his blood lineage that the company can pass. As Rand's other son, this makes Nol more than possible . It brings us to two important points: a. if Kousuke is not actually Rand's biological son, it means he was never able to be heir in the first place and b. if Kousuke is incapacitated for whatever reason, Nol is next in line.
Everything Yui has done to Nol has been a long game, taking every effort to ensure that his image so is far ruined no one would ever consider him as a possible candidate to lead the company, to inherit the company and fortune. Kousuke's inherent, psychologically driven belief that Nol is violent and unstable is not without reason. He was sent away for it and locked away for nearly two years. There are news stories about him hurting Kousuke. At school a reputation of both violence and mental stability follow him. The media had no problem subscribing to the story that he was a violent person who was slipping roofies and assaulting people. Whatever happened that night Nol was taken away, that Kousuke cannot actually remember, as 300% in some way orchestrated by Yui, something she'd been building up to. It was the way she manipulated Kousuke to see Nol as this threat, it was how she'd commodified his familial love and made him believe he needs to become good enough to be loved by his father and took advantage of Nol's existence to further Kousuke's drive. Everything has been carefully orchestrated to encourage Kousuke to blindly chase his father, to become the perfect heir that she could puppet, and to ensure in no capacity could Nol ever be considered a possible contender.
Everything Yui has done has been because Nol exists. It has nothing to do with how Nol and Kousuke feel about each other - it has always been about undermining him at every opportunity, and encouraging Kousuke to do so as well, so that any of Nol's potential was diminished, never had a chance to grow.
As long as Nol exists, and certainly as long as he shows potential, as long as anyone believes in him, she will never let him go. There is no escape for him.
#I Love Yoo#ILY Brainrot#ILY FP#ILY Spoilers#Kousuke Hirahara#Yui Hiarahara#Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn#I have so many feelings about these tragic brothers i just cry about them aljfakfjkafkj GOD#and what a MONSTER Yui is how she's orchestrated all of this#her goal was ALWAYS to ensure that Nol had nothing to stand on#because his mere existence alone is a threat#that's why she's done any of this#had Rand had an affair that yielded no children she would never have been this bad#i'm sure she would still have been awful and fucked with Rand but#this is because HE fathered another child#because Nol stands to inherit everything if something happens to Kousuke#if it turns out Kousuke is NOT Rand's child#from the moment he existed everything she orchestrated was about showing that Nol was ill fit that he was too unstable too violent too#dangerous to be considered an heir#that's why she manipulated Kousuke the way she did to view Nol as a threat#BECAUSE HE IS#and more importantly so that he would NEVER have a chance to grow to shine so be viewed as potential#and that is the key to understanding how Yui operates and why she has done to Kousuke AND Nol what she has
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rereading my violentine oneshot and realizing i actually wrote more than i remembered
also i Will be breaking the 10,000 words mark
#i wrote the whole kiss scene go me#it needs editing but i didnt even remember i got that far .................. whoops#this is what happens when you do 90% of your writing as youre falling asleep in your bed at night#i might post some snippets again i actually enjoy my writing lol#and even tho it needs editing it still got me to cry so :) victory#crying is Always the goal >:)#theres just one last scene i need to write wow....i really stopped right at the home stretch huh#i intimidated myself like always 😔 its good bitch relax#it speaks#violentine
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so celibate i am abstinent even towards myself
#because i am physically Incapable like in general#& it does nothing for me never has also in general like literally it is impossible not due to external factors#this would be epic if i was actually devoutly pious & all but there is no goal i am just like not born right#but sometimes i feel an emotion equivalent to a moid jerking it face down into a pillow while crying#but like on the outside i am completely clothed & normally sitting or standing still with a regular (blank) facial expression#specifically a moid i think it adds to the pathetic nature of the emotion#lucky for me this will never be a problem. only for myself if i want to change & IDC enough to#not that important to me but also i really doubt i even can honestly 0_0 ♯IGNORED !#bad news is i am ******** & ********* at an intrinsic level. so really this was a blessing#i just keep pushing it down always Uhm figuratively i mean... o_O ♯REPRESSIONFTW but only for me#not for the fellow homosexual women on my Websites
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haven’t been on much bc my dog has been sick :( between seizures and an infected tooth we’ve been having a Time trying to get everything fixed (this started around the holidays so our vet has been very booked up…we have been like 3-4 times in the past 4-5 weeks OTL does not help it’s like an hour drive there, so that’s been exhausting) now his new seizure meds are making him sick (was hoping it was like, just an adjustment period thing but he’s been sick for a week and having concerning symptoms…) if I’m not on a ton or slow to replying to messages it’s bc I’m working as much overtime as my job will give me bc Vet Expensive and mentally drained obvi 😞
#it makes me a lil mad his meds were kinda pricy and they literally are making things worse. like sure he isn’t have seizures but he can#barely walk and keeps running into things and keeps having diarrhea so like. 🙃 and the meds are making him sooo hungry and thirsty#I’m seeing the vet AGAIN FRIDAY I know she’s so sick of me but man my little guy. if she can’t figure out a combo that doesn’t have such#bad side effects I’m literally going to scream and cry#he’s the most sensitive boy in the world and my mental health hangs on his and my cats well being. please. 😭#sanchoyorambles#I’ve also called them like twice to find out if I should stop or what they want me to do and keep getting ‘oh they’ll call u back’ WHEN#GIRL MY PUBBY#if I don’t hear back before his next dose I’m just gonna make an executive decision myself to stop them for now#he’s literally on the smallest possible dose too bc he’s so little. so. they can’t go down in dosage they’ll need to put him on smth else 😑#which means paying for ANOTHER PRESCRIPTION A WEEK AFTER ALREASY GETTING ONE THAT WAS $30 ON TOP OF HIS STUPID VET BILL#screaming.#and like if I have the money it’s fine. and it’s not like the vet could’ve known he’d have bad side effects#im just frustrated it’s no one’s fault#I could go to a closer vet. the thing is I LIKE the one further away#they have the only groomer I’ve found that can trim him without sedating him! they send me reminders abt his shots! I like the vibes!!!#they seem caring!! but they are always SOOO BUSY it takes forever to make appointments or to hear back from them 😭#remember how I said one of my goals was to buy a vechicle this year lmao the vet bills are draining any savings I’ve managed to build up 🤧#my pets are priority 1 tho like even before all the medical stuff /I/ need like lol… that’s my baby#it’s just really bad timing. not that there’s good timing for medical issues but. u know
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I got scammed this evening
In the dumbest way. A man just talked with me, convinced me he needs help, gave me his number, told me that he is a friend of my colleague from local shop next to my job. He answered my call and then blocked. And I feel like I want to end myself (thanks to husband this state goes away but after that I had a heart ache that I didn't have in months???)
Lost money
My head gonna explode
#personal stuff#I need to cry about it somewhere#At least one goal achieved - I needed and I did#I AM ALWAYS THE ONE WHO SAYS THAT PEOPLE ARE SHIT DON'T BELIEVE THEM#I AM MISANTHROPE#WHY AM I THAT DUMB TO FALL FOR STUPID SCAM#AND gullible :(
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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