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everythingsinred · 1 year ago

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Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 30)

Today we'll talk about love and confessions and agency. More specifically, I'll discuss a little about Mikan's love for Natsume and her inability to voice it out loud.

This is my NM essay so there's no multi-shipping, in this part more than any other. I say that so y'all can know. In my opinion, this arc has Mikan making a choice and I respect that more than anything. I'm with Ruka about defending her agency and the fact that she does choose.

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Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Two

Hotaru tells Mikan to go on without her. She wants to stay there for Subaru, to ask him questions and find out more about him, to be siblings like he’d suggested before she went on her time trip. They hadn’t had the chance to really bond, since he’d been trying to protect her this whole time. This is her chance to support him and she can’t pass it up.

And yes, that means saying good-bye to Mikan, for who knows how long.

So Mikan and Hotaru hug, and then Hotaru kisses her, in front of everyone, and tells her she loves her. “More than you think I do.”

Well, I guess I have to analyze this. I’m hesitant because I actually don’t know how.

When I read this the first dozen times, the kiss never came across as particularly romantic to me because I didn’t really see much suggestion that there was genuine romance between them--just jokes, especially in the earlier chapters. I don’t especially like thinking that Hotaru is in love with Mikan because that’s another person for me to feel sorry for, just like Ruka, and also because I don’t really like when stories have every character in love with one person. But! That seems to be what’s happening.

Mikan will receive a few love confessions tonight and she really only responds to one (though not yet). Again, I’m not a multishipper, but I’m genuinely sorry, Hotaru. I wish for nothing but your happiness. I prefer, personally, to read Mikan and Hotaru’s relationship as entirely platonic, kind of how I prefer Ruka and Mikan too. That’s just how I roll. It makes things easier on my fragile soul.

Mikan only reacts with confusion, so it seems like it came out of nowhere for her as well. For all her getting overwhelmed with romance, she hadn't expected any romance from Hotaru's direction. Generally, this moment passes and isn't addressed again.

Such a shame to always save your most important and genuine feelings for goodbyes. Take a lesson from this, kids. Tell people you love them, not because you're leaving or because they are, but just because you love them.

They have to teleport again, in any case, and Mikan has to leave her best friend behind. She can’t even hear everything Hotaru is saying, but she can’t go back.

Mikan, having teleported once more, starts to cry. And that makes sense! Because the theme here is loss, and she keeps having to say good-bye to people she loves, not knowing when she’ll see them again. But despite her tears being entirely understandable, Mikan apologizes for always crying, like it’s weak of her to feel so much. She promises to become stronger, but that’s silly because she already is strong. She just witnessed so much pain in only one night and is still standing, still fighting hard, refusing to give up. Is that not strength?

Are you not strong already? I don't get it.

Even Hotaru was crying as they were separated, even though Mikan still wishes she could be strong like her, so is that not strength?

Mikan loves Hotaru too and always has and promises to see her again, that their bond won’t break, echoing Hotaru’s same words.

Chapter One Hundred Thirty-Three

I regretfully won’t be discussing the Imai siblings’ scene, though I did just reread it and sobbed my eyes out as is my duty everytime I read this chapter. Mikan isn’t there, so. We move on.

Mikan’s having a rough go of it, but the night is not over yet.

Tono suggests they split up. It’s the best idea right now. Ruka and Mikan should teleport away, and with only one person to protect instead of many, the barrier alice stone won’t be as much of a burden on him. The rest of them will fight off pursuers and keep them distracted. It’s time. The end of the night is approaching.

There isn’t even time for a real good-bye, which is why they had the alice-stone gifting earlier, I suppose. They all knew there wouldn’t be much time later on. Mikan is sad to have to leave Tsubasa, Tono, and Natsume (!, which his name in a little bubble all its own so we know he’s different, yet again) without even saying a proper good-bye, but Ruka is already taking his duty seriously, pulling Mikan away so they can teleport.

Don't save things for the last minute! Just love people just because!

But the telepathy alice comes in handy again. No, it’s not helpful in the battles. It doesn’t help with healing or protection. But Mikan can hear someone saying her name, and it’s not her mom this time.

Mikan is floored by this, her eyes welling with tears as she catches Natsume’s gaze.

“A feeling so strong, intense, and painful… Almost like a scream.”

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Four

At the start of this night, what feels like so long ago, Natsume told a room full of enemies that he loves Mikan. He proved it time and time again in the hours that followed. He confessed he wanted to stay by her side forever, that he’d always protect her, and he prioritized her safety all night.

And she never said it back.

But this is different. This isn’t just words; she can literally feel how he feels for her. She is overwhelmed by it, and saying good-bye while leaving it like that is now impossible. The fact that he has her pebble alice stone is no longer enough. “Me too” isn’t enough.

She still doesn’t say it out loud, but she admits it to herself and to us, for the first time in this whole manga, that she loves him too. And our handy telepathy alice conveys these powerful feelings to Natsume too, so that he finally knows her answer.

It’s so interesting that Mikan only responds when she literally feels his love for her firsthand. It’s not his words or thoughts that break her resolve; it’s his actual emotions, and she’s able to answer only then, knowing now that their love for each other is entirely requited, when she’s unable to leave him without admitting it.

And that’s huge--obviously--because we’ve watched Mikan this whole time, watched her deny and push down her feelings for him, watched her skirt the subject, not even confiding to us how she feels. But she can’t keep it up anymore. His feelings completely shatter her resolve--his painful, sorrowful, powerful feelings, the ones she reciprocates.

Another favorite page of mine. I just love Natsume's heart-wrenching expression.

“I love you so much,” she thinks before teleporting away with Ruka.

Loss.

Mikan didn’t want to leave Natsume or her senpais, but she knows she has to, and it’s best to leave before she can’t will herself to anymore, after she’s done the difficult, vulnerable thing and confessed. She didn’t want either of them to suffer with the knowledge of her feelings, but it’s too late now. She had to let him know, even if it was only telepathically.

Whereas Mikan was able to swear that she and Hotaru would always be together, even if they were separated, Mikan’s parting thought to Natsume is the same thought that united them at the start of the night: “I don’t want us to be apart.” Mikan knows Natsume is sick, that he’s dying, that he’s careless with his alice. She doesn’t know when she’ll be free to see him again, and there’s a good chance she might never see him again, because he might die. She doesn’t want to part from him now, because if she does, it’ll probably be forever.

Mikan and Ruka have successfully teleported to a safe place, giving Mikan one more well-needed breather before the night gets even worse. Ruka is concerned for her, but Mikan can’t stop crying. But she gets up so they can keep moving until Ruka collapses. She suggests they rest for a while, but Ruka feels insecure, like a burden, like he’s holding not only her but everyone else back because he’s too weak to protect Mikan the way he should.

Mikan doesn’t feel that way and is just concerned for his well-being. He’s certainly not weak.

He's just the sweetest and most perfect of the main four, I think.

But it’s his turn to confess, telling her with his head in his hands that he loves her, and immediately following his confession up with an apology because he’d never meant to say it. Mikan is--again--touched and heartbroken for him, saddened because she’d always known, deep down, but didn’t know how to address it. But Ruka assures her that he will always be hoping that she and Natsume find each other again, that they can be happy together. He just confessed, but he needs her to know that he supports her and Natsume, that he holds no grudges, that he just wants both of them to be happy.

(I can’t believe some fics have Ruka act entitled and jealous when this boy has always been a sweetheart. I’m so mad about it.)

Mikan may not love Ruka romantically, but she does love him, and, overcome with this affection, she hugs him. Though Ruka admonishes her for babying him, he clearly holds no hard feelings that she isn’t able to reciprocate. He’s energized by this, by the fact that he was finally able to say it, and he holds out her hand for them to finally meet Yuka after all this time. Mikan smiles as they go, happy to have his support and affection, even if it looks different from hers.

Mikan has been confessed to three times tonight. All verbally.

Natsume starts the night off strong, announcing his feelings to a whole room, including Mikan. He’s brave; he says the words.

Hotaru tells Mikan she loves her in front of their friends. She’s brave; after all this time where she kept her emotions behind an iron coldness, she says the words.

Ruka tells Mikan with his fingers hiding his face, but he still says it, even without an audience, even knowing she doesn’t feel the same. He decides to be brave and says the words.

I love the Mikan and Ruka friendship. I think they're superior with the platonic lens but maybe that's just me (I know plenty of y'all agree with me, actually).

Mikan couldn’t say the words; she only thought them. I’m not saying she’s not brave, because even just admitting it to herself took a lot, but it’s interesting that she doesn’t say it out loud. She has to be brave about so many things, but this heavily guarded secret, something so vulnerable and volatile she couldn’t even admit it to herself, is still too fragile to be spoken out loud.

Conclusion

I know I could include more but I'll finish this arc next time.

Mikan has been confessed to by three people tonight but only Natsume gets romantic reciprocity, even if it's telepathic. Going forward, Mikan's feelings and her struggle voicing them will be important thematically.

I'll see y'all next time!

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