#cries about tommy and him endlessly

[magniloquent-raven]

life's what you make it

@tommykinardweek Day 1: Coming Out

CW: descriptions of animal abuse & pet death

(also on ao3)

When Tommy was nine his father bought a lanky Rottweiler with paws too big for his skinny legs. “He’ll be useful when he fills out a bit,” was all his dad said about it, with a chuckle and a backhanded slap against Tommy’s chest. Rotties are loyal, obedient working dogs. Guard dogs.

His dad named the dog Budweiser after one too many. In retrospect, he picked the first thing he saw to get Tommy to shut up about what they were going to call him, but at the time Tommy thought it was a great idea. After all, the dog was his Bud. (His Budweiler. It took three days for his dad to get sick of that joke.)

A week after he came into their home Tommy’s father nailed down a stake in the front yard. Bought a chain to clip to Bud’s collar. And he scoffed at Tommy’s whining about how sad Bud looked out there, all alone. “It’s a fucking dog, Tom, it’s not sad.”

But Tommy smushed his face against the window to watch him rest his blocky head on his too-big paws, and he saw him sigh. A big gusty sigh that moved his whole body.

Arguing with his dad about it didn’t change anything. The stake stayed. The dog stayed outside, where animals belong.

“Wouldn’t have bought the damn thing if I knew you were gonna be such a girl about it,” his dad muttered into his beer.

And that was that.

But Bud was always digging up his stake. Tugging at his collar. Running in circles around the yard, getting tangled up in his restraints. The first time they came home to dirt patches and overturned sod Tommy’s dad chucked his shoe at the dog, irate about how much it was going to cost to clean up. Tommy spent the rest of the afternoon outside, quietly raking up the chunks of grass and taking breaks to sit with Bud, petting his short, bristly fur.

Locked in the bathroom, he would tear up magazines. Left in the backyard he’d paw endlessly at the patio door. Then he started running away. The first time it happened Tommy was in hysterics. He cried his eyes out, and shut himself in his room where his father wouldn’t see.

It didn’t matter how many afternoons he’d spent outside feeding Bud bits of leftover lunch meat from his sandwiches, trying to tell him he was supposed to stay in the front yard, if he was a good dog he’d stay in the front yard. Explaining to him over and over again that he was here to protect them—his job was to scare away Mormons and the tax man, whoever he was—didn’t make a damn bit of difference.

After two years he started to believe his father. Bud was just a bad dog. A stupid dog. Defective. They kept him chained up in the front yard, and Tommy stopped spending time with him beyond giving him a pat or two on his way inside. He was too old to keep pretending that the dog understood what he was saying anyways. And he had better things to do.

When Tommy was thirteen, Bud slipped out of his collar again. It was old news, and Tommy was past freaking out. He’d always find Bud running off down the street, chasing squirrels or trying to wriggle under the neighbours’ fence to play with their fat little Bulldog. Sometime he’d be at the house four doors, laying very very still while the five-year-old who lived there played his back like a drum.

It should’ve been just another day. “Your dumbass dog got loose again,” his dad yelled from the couch the second Tommy walked in. Standard. Usually a twenty minute detour, and he figured he’d still have time to get his homework done before dinner.

He didn’t.

Bud was two streets over, breathing shallow, bleeding into the gutter.

And Tommy watched him die.

He didn’t sit with him, didn’t touch him, didn’t have words. He just stood there, pale and shaken, full of something too cold to be panic and tasting bile on his tongue.

It was his fault. He went to bed before sunset, staring at nothing, knowing that he was to blame. Feeling it.

His father told Tommy the city would take care of the body. He was roadkill, they had people for that. Good riddance to a financial burden. All Tommy could do was nod along dumbly.

Five years later he enlisted. It was the adult thing to do, his only option when he was told to grow up and make something of himself.

It would take him years to realize he didn’t like what he’d made. The person he saw in the mirror looked more like his father every day, and the man who raised him looked less like himself than he ever had. After two divorces, forty years of chain-smoking, three bypass surgeries, and just plain old time, he was hollowed out and had nothing to replace the emptiness with.

They see each other once a year, on Thanksgiving, and the visits get shorter and shorter. There’s only so much of the same tired speeches Tommy can take. He knows his father’s Reasons Why Marriage Is A Sham by heart, so well he could act it out if pressed, cadence and all.

Maybe some of it stuck deeper than he thought. A tired old man’s legacy, the voice in the back of Tommy’s head telling him it’s not worth it, none of it’s worth it.

His father’s influence might explain why he got cold feet and ran out on his fiancee. It’s as good an explanation as any, seeing as he’s still trying to figure out what the fuck even happened.

One minute he’s picking out napkins and listening to her plan their future, the next…

He’s got a decent little place to himself, at least. He got lucky there. No roommates, no rowdy army guys packed into a barrack that smells like the world’s evilest gym sock. Just him. Alone.

He thinks about getting a dog.

It’s fine, coming home to an empty bungalow. Living off of ready-made TV dinner meals like some kind of sad cliche. Work is great, the guys—and Hen—are great. He works as many shifts as his body can take, goes out for drinks with Howie and blames the beer when he sits a little too close in the booth, throwing an arm over the back and letting the booze push them into an almost-embrace.

The warmth doesn’t linger long enough to keep him from curling in on himself at night, hugging his pillow.

He doesn’t tell anyone besides his neighbour, Arthur, that he’s considering checking out animal shelters. The guy isn’t his friend, exactly, but there isn’t anyone else he can ask to pet-sit while he’s at work.

They chat sometimes. He’s a little older than Tommy, and somehow broader in the shoulders. He used to work construction, apparently. Now he’s living off workers’ comp. Tommy doesn’t know what happened, just that he’s in a wheelchair sometimes, and since he lost his job he’s started growing his hair. It’s shoulder-length now, dark and wavy.

“My sister didn’t put you up to this did she? I’ve got hobbies and shit, I swear. I’m fine,” he says when Tommy mentions he might need help feeding a dog in the near future. He’s not entirely sure how serious the accusation is. Tommy errs on the side of glib.

“No, I’m just too cheap to hire a professional.”

Arthur grins, the tan lines around his eyes disappearing into crow’s feet. “I can respect that.”

Months go by, and he’s still thinking about it. Weighing the pros and cons. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, it’s not like he can’t afford it, and he can just drop the dog back off at a shelter if it doesn’t work out. It would be nice to have a reason to go on walks, or run, if the dog is high-energy. Plus, less chance of someone breaking in and making off with his stuff.

Bud never quite lived up to his potential as a guard dog—an impersonal way to put it, but it's the way he's forced himself to look at it over the years—but his dad wasn’t wrong about dogs having their uses.

There’s no particular reason for it when he takes a different route home after work one day. It was a normal day, normal calls. They pulled a kid out of a collapsed playground structure. Checked out an apartment after someone burned their popcorn. He chimed in with a joke or two when Hen and Chim started ribbing each other over lunch. No one died, nothing exploded.

Then he thought about going home to an empty house again and…

He’s pulling into the parking lot of the closest shelter thirty minutes later.

The girl behind the desk is sweet. She’s maybe twenty, and barely eye-level with Tommy’s collarbone, dressed in a purple hoodie and sneakers with a name tag pinned to her shirt that says Katie. There’s a peeling dolphin sticker next to the K.

“Did you have anything specific in mind?” she asks him, a big smile on her face that he’s sure is part of her job but looks genuine anyways.

When he pictured getting a dog the image in his head was always just… Bud. Black and brown, the tiny spots above his eyes, short bristly fur and somehow always drooling a little bit. He didn’t have his heart set on a Rottie, exactly, it was just all he could see himself getting.

He shoves his hands in his jeans pockets. “No.” Then he pauses, eyes scanning the white tile walls behind her. There are so many brightly coloured posters tacked up on it they all sort of blend together. “I work a lot, if that’s a problem.”

She shakes her head, her expression softening to something sympathetic. “No, not a problem, we just need to find the right match for your lifestyle. Certain pets need more attention, of course, but I’m sure we’ll find someone for you.”

“Right.”

There are so many options. When she leads him into the back room a few of the little dogs start yapping. One that looks like a bathmat with beady little eyes runs in circles making more noise than a creature that small should. Another one with curly fur and white fluff around its ears barks so hard its whole body bounces with the effort.

“They’re just excited,” Katie says with a sheepish laugh.

The whole long room is lined with plexiglass alcoves, and smells overwhelmingly of dog. A black lab paws at its window as they walk past. A lot of the animals are furry lumps with their backs turned, hidden in the corner of their enclosure.

“Did you want a minute alone with them?”

Tommy blinks at her, feeling a little out of his depth.

“I think it’s easier to find out if it’s a good match if it’s just you and the critters, you know? Just come get me if you take a liking to any of them, and we can see how you do with face-to-face time.”

“Oh…kay.”

She pats his elbow and gives him another sunny smile before heading back up front.

He wanders up and down the length of the room for a while, stopping in front of every dog that demands his attention. They’ve all got cards in the upper corner of their windows. Name, age, sex, and breed. Some of them have little notes about special needs. There’s a diabetic Poodle mix that huffs at him when he walks past. A Yorkie with a limp and a mean growl.

Around halfway through his second loop around he notices a fluffy white dog snoozing on her back. She’s a medium size, no listed breed. And she’s running in her sleep. Paws waving in the air, tongue lolling out of her mouth.

He chuckles.

According to her card, her name is Periwinkle—which Tommy wrinkles his nose at, what even is that—she’s two years old, and…oh. She’s deaf and blind. Probably not the best pick for him then. He already had doubts about how much time and attention he’d be able to give a dog, he doesn’t want to bite off more than he can chew here.

She snuffles, nose twitching. It’s stupidly adorable.

“She’s a sweet girl.”

“Jesus Christ—” Tommy startles, hands flying up to his chest where he presses a palm to his racing heart as he whirls around.

“Sorry!” Katie laughs, clearly more amused than apologetic. She clears her throat and schools her expression. “Sorry, it’s just you’ve been in here a while, I thought I’d check in.”

“It’s fine.” He smooths some wrinkles out of his shirt, trying to act like it was his intention all along.

“So, Periwinkle?”

Tommy can’t help but purse his lips. “What kind of name is that, anyway?”

“Oh, she was part of a whole litter that we took in, they were all named after flowers. Periwinkles are pretty little blue ones.”

“Ah…”

“She’s the last one we have left, all her brothers and sisters were adopted as puppies.”

Okay, well. She didn’t need to make him feel bad, that’s just uncalled for.

She’s not what he was looking for. Not the kind of dog that scares away intruders, or anyone, really, she looks like a marshmallow with floppy ears. And he’s not sure he feels qualified to care for a dog with disabilities, she needs someone loving and attentive and patient.

He opens his mouth to say as much, to say she probably wouldn’t be a good fit, and list off all the things he told himself were the reasons he’s here in the first place. No words come out.

“Would you like to meet her properly?”

“…Sure.”

She has him wait in a little side room down the hall. There’s a rickety folding chair in the corner that he eyes but doesn’t sit in, instead choosing to stand in against the wall with his arms folded tight across his chest. The knot of anxiety in his gut is ridiculous, and stupid, and he doesn’t know why he’s so nervous, but he can’t stop shaking his leg and digging his nails into the meat of his forearm.

There’s very little in the room to distract him. Apart from the chair, there’s an empty steel bowl, a grey mat, and a basket with a couple knots of rope, a tennis ball that’s seen better days and a rubber ring that looks oddly untouched compared to everything else.

He’s probably only waiting for a few minutes, but it feels like it’s been an eternity when the door finally clicks open and Katie sticks her head in.

“Okay, here we are!” She sidles into the room, guiding Periwinkle by a short leash. Her posture is alert, tail up, sniffing the air. “I’ve got some treats in my pocket if you want to give her some. Dogs are not above taking bribes.”

Tommy lets out a little breath of a laugh.

She approaches him slowly, squinting milky blue eyes. Now that he can see her properly, he notices the yellowing bits around her ears and under her chin. Part Golden Retriever, maybe. She’s got the face shape for it.

She pokes his shin with her nose. He’s not sure if she bumped into him or if it was on purpose until she does it again, eagerly sniffing at the leg of his jeans.

He came here right from work, he can’t imagine he smells very good. Then again, she is a dog.

“I, uh…” He glances from her to Katie. His arms are still folded across his chest, and he’s not sure what to do with his hands.

Katie pulls a little bone-shaped cookie from her pocket and offers it to him, eyebrows raised and her smile encouraging. “Just make sure you don’t make any sudden moves, okay? Be gentle with her.”

He nods, and very carefully squats down to her level. He gets the treat about four inches from Periwinkle’s face and she starts wriggling up a storm, tail wagging, loose fur flying, snuffling reaching a fever pitch as she noses around trying to locate the food.

It’s impossible not to grin at her excitement. Affection blooms between his ribs when she bumps into his thumb and gives it a test lick. It doesn’t take her long to devour her treat once she finds it, and she cleans the crumbs from his fingers when it’s gone.

Seemingly satisfied with his tribute, she lays down on his feet. Then rolls against his shins in a warm fuzzy heap of loose limbs, clumsily pawing at him until he reaches out a tentative hand and runs his fingers through the fluff on her chest.

“Well, I think it’s safe to say she likes you!” Katie beams.

“Yeah.” Tommy’s voice cracks, embarrassingly, suddenly emotional. He swallows past a lump in his throat.

He stays crouched awkwardly, unable to shift into a more comfortable position even when his knees start to ache. Periwinkle breathes evenly, seemingly content to rest on his boots while he rubs her belly and makes stilted small talk with Katie.

She’s more than happy to pick up the conversational slack, giving him all sorts of tips about what’s good to feed pets and how to train a dog that can’t see or hear you. There’s so much information, he’s sure he won’t retain it all.

By now Katie has migrated to the folding chair, she’s seated with her legs crossed at the knee and talking with her hands. “Now, I recall you saying you work a lot, but is your schedule consistent? It’s important for a dog like Periwinkle to have predictable routines.”

“Yeah, pretty consistent.” Monotonous is the word that comes to mind, and he cringes away from it. He likes his job. His job isn’t the problem. “I work long hours though. Sometimes days at a time.”

Katie’s forehead pinches at that. “Okay. Do you have anyone to look after her while you’re gone? A family member? Girlfriend?”

His stomach lurches. “No.” He digs his fingertips deeper into thick fur, feeling her heartbeat under his hand. She’s calm. Relaxed. He should fucking relax. He doesn’t. “I had a fiancee,” comes spilling out of his mouth, “things ended…weird. I just don’t think I’m ready to date again so soon, y’know?” He forces an airy laugh. There’s no good reason for him to have explained all that, or for it to have felt like a lie.

“I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.” Tommy lets out a slow breath. “I asked my neighbour if he’d help out. With the dog.”

“Oh, great!”

She moves on easily, but he doesn’t. The moment sticks under his skin, like a splinter he can’t scratch out. It aches, dull but present, for the rest of the conversation, and beyond that. While he signs adoption papers, when he walks out the door, Periwinkle’s leash in hand, all through the quiet drive home. She sits in the passenger seat, and he cracks the window just enough for her to stick her nose out while he pretends to listen to the radio.

He has a dog now.

The next week or so is a bit of a mess. He buys everything he thinks he’ll need, and probably goes overboard. Dog-proofing his house is trial-and-error, Periwinkle keeps finding new things to chew on, and he never realize he had so much clutter until there was a blind dog bumping into things all the time.

It’s beautiful chaos and he loves it. She falls asleep on his lap when he watches TV, and he gets stuck there for hours. It turns out she hates peanut butter, and when he tries to fill a chew toy with it for her to play with she only picks it up long enough to jerk her head and toss it across the room.

Katie told him touch was important when bonding with a blind and deaf dog, and he figured it would be a slow process, easing Periwinkle into her new surroundings, showing her that he can be trusted. They have hit a few bumps (no pun intended) getting her used to navigating his house, but amazingly she seems to have no reservations about him specifically. She’s glued to his hip nearly every moment he’s home, pressed up against his leg when he’s standing at the kitchen counter, head on his thigh when he’s on the couch, always nearby.

Thankfully she likes Arthur nearly as much as she likes Tommy. Possibly because he always has a piece of jerky for her when he comes over. Which is understandable on her part.

Three weeks after he brought her home, he finds Arthur sitting on his porch with Wink in his lap and looking mildly sheepish.

“She wouldn’t let me go home.”

Tommy grins. “Want a beer?”

“Please.”

He thinks they might be friends after that. He wants them to be friends after that.

It didn’t bother him so much before, that they were just casual acquaintances. Tommy’s got plenty of acquaintances, and it suits him fine. But one evening with the dog between them leaves Tommy with a strange ache he can’t place. The next day all he thought about was the dying glow from the sun catching on deep-set brown eyes, sparkling with mirth. That adolescent desperation he tried to stomp down whenever he made Arthur laugh, that voice that babbled do it again, like me, like me, please—

It's not until Sal catches him grinning down at his own hands and punches his arm, crowing “Well hot damn, look who finally moved on. What’s her name?” that things start to fall into place.

A lot of things.

He just barely manages to excuse himself without throwing up, and makes it to the bathroom just in time to burst into tears.

Once the dam cracks, he’s helpless against the tide. His lungs burn from the effort it takes to keep from sobbing audibly. Chest heaving slow, painfully, methodically slow, he buries his face in his hands and cries, cries, lets snot dribble down his wrist and doesn’t care, squeezes his eyes shut so hard he sees stars and still the tears drip down his nose. It hurts, and all he can do is hang on, hoping the bells don’t go off, hoping no one walks in or wonders where he’s gone.

He’s so stupid for not seeing it. There’s a whole well of secrets he’s been keeping from himself and he feels like he’s been pushed into it to drown.

Does anyone else know? Has anyone figured it out before him? It’s not like he’s never had anyone make dumb jokes, all of Sal’s favourite jokes seem to boil down to hey, you’re gay. Kids in school would make fun of him for getting weepy about shit, or talking with his hands too much, or being too picky about girls, but…

Christ, he’s so stupid.

Maybe everyone knows, and always has. Fear grips him tight, sharp fingers grabbing a fistful of his guts. Has everyone been laughing at him behind his back. Every time he makes a dumb comment about not getting what the big deal is about a pretty girl, or makes excuses about another breakup.

Oh God, does his father know?

His father can never know.

His stomach heaves again, and he tastes bile.

It’s unclear how long he’s in that bathroom, hazy, knees buckling under the weight of his whole life turning on its head and hitting him at once. He splashes water on his face to rinse off the snot and tears, but it does nothing for the blotchy pink around his nose and eyes.

He spends the rest of his shift jumpy and distracted.

For the first time in weeks he’s hesitant to go home, but he doesn’t want to impose on Arthur any more than he already has.

Arthur’s on his porch again, reading a book and petting Wink. She perks up when Tommy’s truck pulls into the driveway. He’s not entirely sure how she always knows it’s him. Could be a scent thing. Or maybe she can feel the vibrations coming off his engine. Whatever it is, it’s comforting to know someone’s always gonna be happy to see him.

The steering wheel creaks in his grip, and an itch builds behind his eyes. He takes a moment to blink it away and compose himself, but Arthur still shoots him an odd look as he approaches the house.

Great.

“Bad day?”

Tommy shrugs. “It was fine.”

Wink trots down the ramp he replaced the porch steps with last week, meeting him halfway to bump her forehead against his knee.

The ache in his chest twists around his heart.

“Mhm,” Arthur hums. He’s in his chair today, and Tommy absently watches the muscles in his forearm flex as he turns. It takes his brain a second to catch up to what he’s doing, and he jolts, tearing his gaze away. “That’s what I always tell people too.”

Tommy bites his tongue. There’s a barb on the end of it, and the taste of iron in the back of his throat. He’s too tired to start an argument over nothing. And he knows he’d regret it later.

He bends down to pet the top of Wink’s head and lets Arthur leave without another word.

He smells like burnt sugar and cinnamon soap, and Tommy holds his breath just to stop trying to inhale every trace he left in his wake.

It really is like that, huh. He really does…

Three fingers of whiskey later he still feels like crawling out of his own skin.

He’s got the news running in the background. All his comfort things feel dangerous tonight. He can’t be sure he won’t put on his favourite movie and discover he only liked it because he was wildly attracted to the leading man and had no idea this whole time. He’s terrified of finding out anything else about himself, but it’s left him twitchy and bored and mostly alone with his own thoughts.

Wink had taken up residence in her usual place, head resting on his knee, but as the evening went on she got up and re-positioned. Now she’s sitting in his lap, leaning against his chest and snuffling into his shirt.

It’s the closest thing to a hug he’s gotten in a while, and it breaks him a little bit.

He wraps his arms around her, burying his face in the fluff around her neck.

“I think I’m gay,” he mumbles into her fur.

Nothing happens. The world doesn’t end.

He breathes. He’s going to be okay.

[scorpiussage]

Alfie with a SO who’s pregnant

Is both horrified and ecstatic when he finds out that you’re pregnant.

On the one hand: he gets to start a family with you and that’s all he’s ever wanted. On the other: the fear that he’ll end up like his own waste-of-space father terrifies him.

I think it would take a lot of convincing on your part to calm him down, but once he feels better about the whole thing, he’ll be ready to be a dad.

He’s going to want to do absolutely everything to prepare. He’s going to take classes, read books, baby-proof everything. Seriously, he’s going to be almost extreme in his desire to be prepared.

If you suffer from morning sickness or aches and pains, he’s going to pamper the hell out of you. He’ll have warm baths already drawn, ginger tea brewed and ready, his lap open and waiting to set your feet so he can rub them. You’re having his bloody baby, after all, you deserve the world.

His protectiveness will ramp up as well. From this moment out, you won’t be going anywhere without at least two big burly guards armed to the teeth. Going to the shops? Expect to have to do that with whatever two muscle heads your husband hires. And complaining won't get you anywhere, either, because Alfie will not budge on this issue. You’re so vulnerable and he worries endlessly about your safety.

When your water breaks, Alfie ends up being the calm one who carefully ushers you to the car, the emergency bag already in tow. He’s a total pillar of strength through the entire birthing process and he refuses to be kicked out of the delivery room.

“Tha’s my baby bein’ born, that is! I ain’t fuckin’ leaving my wife here by ‘erself!”

He is definitely one of those husbands who climbs into the bed with you and helps to hold you in whatever birthing position is most comfortable for you.

You can swear and cuss at him all you want, and he takes it so gracefully.

“Yeah, let it out, love, just let it out,” he’ll murmur in your ear, “You’re almost done, you are, just a little more.”

The first cries of the baby have him freezing up and it isn’t until the doctor prompts him that he climbs out of the bed to come cut the cord.

The sex of the baby doesn’t matter to him at all (though if it’s a girl he’s gonna make her a princess and no one is gonna stop him.) He loves your baby from first sight; he actually starts crying; he thinks the baby you both made is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

This man will absolutely hog the baby, you’re not going to get him to hand them over for anything. He will eventually because the baby needs to eat, but as soon as they're done, he’s got them right back in his arms.

Also, no one is going to get to meet this baby for months afterwards because that’s important bonding time for the two of you and the baby. If Ollie or anyone tries to show up at your house, Alfie will shout them away.

When he finally goes back to work after a long paternity leave, he will literally never shut up about his kid.

Oh, Tommy’s here for a meeting? Say, have I told you about how absolutely perfect my child is and shown you all the supporting evidence I keep in my wallet?

Having a baby might actually be the one thing that gets Alfie to quit the bootlegging business. He knows all too well what men like him do to get ahead and most don’t hold back on families or children the way he does.

He also wouldn’t pressure you to have more children than you feel comfortable with. If one baby is all you want to have, then he’ll haul himself to the doctors and get snipped so that the two of you don’t have to worry about it.

Overall, having a baby with Alfie would be a wonderful experience. 💕

[starlitcrows]

hypocrite though you are, the allium petals fly.

[padfootdaredmetoo]

Good afternoon!

How would the Shelby brothers do with a cold reader who rarely laughs and smiles? Read something like Thomas’s female version.

Dear Anon,

Thanks for waiting! Hope you enjoy!!

Warnings - peaky typical stuff. Mentions of the readers mother dying.

Arthur: 

Arthur got along with you just fine. You didn't do silly emotions or get in the way of things. 

If anything you were the one that let him off leash the most. You didn't care who he fucked up as long as he steered clear of kids and women.  You called it free advertising while Thomas called it a waste of time. 

He was too old to have noticed you when you were younger despite the fact that you’d grown up alongside the family. It took a war to break Thomas, he wondered what on earth happened to break you. 

He took care when he was around you, cautious about layouts, vantage points, and enemies. He made an effort to keep focus and make sure she never had to lift a finger to protect herself. Even if Thomas wouldn't bloody say it, he knew that woman was his partner. 

John: 

John often tried bells to your handbag. Something that annoyed you endlessly, but he hated the way you could move without making a sound. He’d spilled multiple cups of tea and walked into many sharp corners of furniture when hearing your voice float out of nowhere. 

He knew he could trust you having had you around most years of his life. But you made him uneasy. No matter how hard he tried he could never make you laugh or even manage the smallest smile. Women would fall all over him, but you often just tilted your head like you were in amazement of his stupidity. It drove him up the wall. He had no idea why or how you got lumped into the family. 

Finn: 

Finn adored you. He thought you were just like Thomas, and he wanted more than anything to be like the two of you. Tough and classy. 

He hated doing school work infornt of you because he hated the pressure he felt to not look stupid. 

He knew he was an obnoxious shit a lot of the time but if you were there all his attention was on you and Tommy. Watching and trying to understand all the little things you guys did. 

Tommy: 

He knew you best out of everyone before the war. He knew any softness started to wilt away in you after your mother passed when you were small. He didn't remember much from those years, but he remembered the way he saw you hurting and how it was only a few years later he understood that feeling of grief for a mother. 

Even when little, he kept a close eye on you. Not that he needed to, but you always got into the best kinds of trouble and mischief. Rarely caught and with a head full of ideas. 

He hated how much alike the two of you were when he returned home. Even more of you was eaten away when you deserved so much better. But still, you were the thing that brought him the greatest sense of comfort. He didn’t have to be anything other than comfortably numb when you were around. 

You always found the plot holes in his plans and had some way of keeping his brothers in check. 

Your icy exterior never broke enough for him to make an honest offer towards you. That is until one spring morning. After a night of drinking the family was all piled into the various rooms of Arrow House. He woke with a start, a bad feeling pooling in his gut. Like somehow the world was on a peculiar tilt. His first instinct was your room, realizing it was the middle of spring - he never remembered the exact date of her passing but rather just wrote off the entire month of March. Without weighing the consequences or thinking about it, he knocked softly on your door. There was a darkness pressing into his shoulder blades and an unpleasant sound ringing in his head. Pushing the door open he could hear your soft cries from the bathroom. He knocked lightly on the slightly open door. Heard you sniffle and start to pull yourself together. If the redness of your cheeks and the wetness of your eyes didn't bring a heavy intimacy to the scene, then your silk nightgown definitely did.

“Yes,” You said running your hands across your cheeks briskly. Mask settling into place. 

He met your eyes and thought about questioning why you were crying. But just like a small kid you only would have replied with “I’m not” 

Instead, he just moved slowly towards you. Awkwardly pulling you against his chest. 

“Tommy what on earth - I” Your voice was muffled by his shoulder as his arms pulled you close. For a moment he realized you were probably going to slap him once the shock of the situation wore off. To his surprise, you relaxed into his embrace. Then you started crying and he managed to keep you in bed to rest for the day. You only agreed to it because he promised to stay with you.

These days became more common, with fewer tears, and more time spent convincing you to rest, then he’d catch the occasional smile or laugh. He’d come back to life trying to wrestle more out of her. Telling stories and reading you books with silly voices. Slowly they both began to thaw out. 

Suddenly you didn't mind the bells tied to your handbag, or Arthur acting like he was transporting the Queen when he was with you. Gravity just pulled you next to Tommy and his family and you were so tired of resisting things that you just let it pull you under. Slowly you found your place. Polly was always waiting to snatch you up into her slender arms. Tommy knew the damage you would do if ever truly crossed so no matter how far the business was he would always find a way to sleep next to you. Esme and John took a while to win over, she always felt you were just a carbon copy of Tommy, it wasn't until you’d tried her family moonshine recipe that you finally outed most of your secrets to her in the moonlight. After that, she knew better than anyone why you were so icy.

But Tommy managed to get you out of your shell, embracing them and their love tightly. The rest of the world still had to suffer your icy wrath, but it was nice to hang up your cloak at the end of the day and be at peace.

[marvelxmendes]

An introduction to Rosemary Shelby

1910

It is december 1910, and the youngest Shelby is born.

In the cold december of 1910, the cries of Mrs. Shelby filled the house on Watery Lane. This pregnancy was hard on her, and the labour was an even more intense process.

In the living room, the rest of the Shelby siblings sat waiting for their new sibling. While Arthur and Tommy care for their younger siblings, the shouting of their mother becomes louder, until it stops. The house on watery lane becomes quiet, until the shouts of aunt Polly echo throughout the house

"ARTHUR, COME UP HERE NOW!"

Arthur, who was holding baby Finn in his arms, passes him over to Ada before sprinting up the stairs. When he opens the bedroom door, he is met with the sight of his unconscious and bleeding mother.

Before he can fully register what is going on, his aunt shoves a pink bundle of blankets in his arms. "Arthur, her name's Rosemary Shelby. She was born about a month too early, so you've got to keep an eye out for her breathing patterns." Before he could ask if his mother was alright, the door was closed in his face.

He walks into his own bedroom, sitting down on his bed. He sighs deeply, sadness covering his features. He know that his mother is in a bad state, and the chances of her making a recovery are slim. He takes a deep breath, realising that with their father gone, the responsibility that he first shared with his mother, now completely falls onto his shoulders.

Arthur takes a second to swallow away his tears before finally taking a good look at the bundle in his arms. His eyes met the doe eyes of his youngest sister. He softly strokes her cheek with his finger, which Rosemary grabs with her tiny hands. Arthur softly smiles at her. "Hey there little rose.. I promise that I will love you endlessly, and shall protect you always.."

————

So this one shot, albeit a bit short, is the first of *hopefully* many!

This is a bit of a scary step for me, as I’m not that sure of my writing abilities! So, any tips etc are very much welcome!

I hope you enjoyed! <3

[saintrvckwell]

The truth is stranger than my own worst nightmares (ellie williams x reader)

ellie williams x fem!reader

summary: "life's worth living, not just surviving."

warnings: mentions of death, depression, PTSD. the story takes place after ellie leaves for santa barbara.

words count: 9.3k

a/n: listen i'm not going to lie, i cried a few times while writing it, probably cause i'm an emotional wreck these days. i apologise for the length, kinda got caught up in it. clearly i'm not capable of writing emotionally stable characters. anyways, i hope you'll enjoy it.

by the way! i highly recommend listening to some sad bops while reading in order to get the full depressive experience lmao, have fun.

"you taught me the courage of stars before you left. how light carries on endlessly even after death."

•

Could’ve been weeks, maybe even months since you and Ellie shared your last conversation. The last time you saw that auburn haired girl as she was slowly losing herself, fighting for the revenge she knew would destroy her in the process. The last time you stood on the porch of her and Dina’s farm house, tears streaming down your face as you begged her not to go. The pain in her eyes was undeniable.

A part of you understood her need to finish what she'd started. What Dina might not noticed, you saw clearly. Ellie wasn’t alright, no matter how much she tried to tell otherwise. Overpowered with her guilt and trauma, she was trapped in never ending cycle. A part of you knew she would never be able to fully settle down the way Dina did. But a part of you couldn’t let your best friend continue on this suicidal quest.

That day, Dina invited you to stay over. You used to visit the farm from time to time. Without them, and Jesse, Jackson felt so unfamiliar. It was the best place you could’ve possible come across. But it didn’t feel like a home anymore. No more patrols with Ellie, no more Saturday dances with Jesse, purposely embarrassing you with his drunk dance moves as he begged you to join him on the dance floor. No more bonfires with the four of you and Ellie’s songs.

Joel’s brutal death has shaken up the whole settlement. When Maria broke the news at the town meeting, a deadly silence settled across the room. And you sat there, stiff and numb, the scene of you, Dina and Jesse finding him and Ellie, playing in your mind all over again. The only thing you cared about was Ellie and her safety. The second you found out she went after that group, you didn’t hesitate to follow her, with Jesse.

And then all those horrific incidents took place. Somehow, probably by a miracle, you arrived to Jackson. With WLF losing their war, you managed to steal a truck from one of their, now empty, bases and head back. The three of them ended up staying in infirmary for more than a week, you were released quickly because of your minor injuries. Which, in the end, made you feel even worse. Knowing you didn’t do enough to prevent this from happening.

Worse than that was Maria’s request to accompany her at Jesse’s parents house. Before leaving the Seattle, Ellie helped you bury his body, giving him the best possible funeral you could’ve arranged in such conditions. With Ellie’s broken arm, Tommy and Dina’s multiple injuries, you had to get them all the proper medical care.

But walking away from him was the worst form of heartbreak you have ever been through. Seeing him die and now leaving his body behind brought an insane amount of guilt you failed to deal with.

The same kind you felt the second you entered their home. Just like Joel, they have been nothing but kind to you. His mother hugged you so tightly, as soon as she spotted the bruises all over your face. A few hours after arriving, there you were, saying the last thing a parent would ever want to hear. You sat in their living room with Maria right next to you, watching them broke down to tears as you handed them his backpack. You knew you couldn’t leave it there. You wanted them to have it.

You whispered a quiet sorry, looking at both of them. You needed them to know that. You needed them to know you didn’t do enough to save him. And although his parents didn't put the blame on any of you, you’ve never got rid of the guilt swallowing your body. Just like Ellie.

This and Joel’s passing changed the town for good. The first few weeks put you through the worst form of depression. You removed yourself from patrols and locked inside your half-empty house. You couldn’t bring yourself to do anything. Can’t really say you tried that much, to be fair. But no one could hold it against you. You didn’t know how to fix yourself, fix the way you felt. Took weeks before you finally left your house, coming to terms with the fact that you needed some fresh air.

Needless to say, it was hard for you to find a way to live again. To socialise, to go on patrols. The place that once used to feel like your forever home, was gone.

That’s why you loved visiting Ellie and Dina, helping out as much as possible. Being away from Jackson gave you an opportunity to clear your mind and see your best friends, building a life together. Shortly after JJ was born, you started to visit more frequently, sometimes even staying over for a few days. It was your form of escape from the loneliness.

No matter how empty you felt, the moment you saw JJ in Ellie’s arms, a smile was brought to your lips. As if the sadness was never there. And the second you arrived to Jackson, there it was again. You sat on the bed and stared out of the window, seeing Joel’s house. Every single time you looked out of that window, your heart sunk.

You couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. Although you never knew him the way Ellie did, Joel always made you feel welcomed. Whenever he was hosting his usual dinners, he never forgot to invite you. He knew you’ve been on your own, as he was the one who found you on patrol, along with Tommy. To you, he was a decent man.

His and Ellie’s fallout was obvious to everyone around. You never learnt the reason as for why Ellie stopped talking to him, but you saw how devastated he was. He cared for her deeply. And understood her decision, even if it broke his heart. You saw him sitting at the front porch with his guitar while you were coming home from your patrols. No matter the weather, he always sat there. With that gloomy look in his eyes.

So one day, you made a quick stop at Seth’s for two sandwiches. Walking over to his house, Joel spotted you and put down the guitar. You didn’t say anything, just handed him the sandwich with a smile on your face. That was the first time in weeks you saw the same thing appear on his. Even if it was just for a second.

You used to stop by, from now and then. Sometimes, especially when the weather was freezing cold, Joel invited you inside and you two dined together in his living room. You’ve never led any deep conversations, just quietly enjoyed each other’s presence. Once in a while, Joel subtly asked about Ellie, how she was doing on patrols. He spent the last two years of his life as a spectator in hers. But you knew he would never change a thing. Just knowing she was safe was enough for Joel. Ellie’s safety remained his main priority.

One evening after coming from the farm house, you stopped by his house. Reaching the first step, you noticed bunch of bouquets of fresh flowers. It’s been more than a year since his passing, yet some people never stopped paying their respects to him. Especially the younger ones, for whom Joel became a role model.

Even standing on the porch seemed impossibly hard. There was no way you could actually enter his house, especially the living room. The purpose of your visit was simple.

You struggled to sleep peacefully, knowing he’s not there anymore. And this seemed like the best idea, look out of your window and see the porch light on. So before you went to sleep, you imagined Joel sitting out there, playing his six string. As if he never left. The porch light was your way of dealing with you sadness, letting him go slowly.

Which brought you to the day you saw Ellie for the last time.

You arrived in the morning, immediately getting ready to help. While Ellie babysat JJ inside, you and Dina managed to take care of the animals and prepare lunch. As usual, she asked about Jesse’s parents. They visited Ellie and Dina from time to time, but most of their conversations slowly turned into them advising both girls to move back which Ellie could not always handle. She would never go back.

Surprisingly, Tommy decided pay a visit. He showed up at the doorstep with a backpack over his shoulder, smiling happily once he spotted JJ in your arms. The four of your sat in the living room, with you impatiently biting your lip while looking out of the window, hoping to see Ellie arriving soon.

Tommy or Maria used to stop there once in a while, mostly to make sure the girls had everything they needed. However, the reason behind his visit was different this time. You and Dina realised it the moment he placed a map on the table, giving Ellie a harsh speech which led to Dina, yelling at him.

You noticed the look on Ellie’s face. She tried so much to adjust to this lifestyle and forget about everything that happened in Seattle, once and for all. The way Dina did. But she couldn’t, no matter how much effort she put in it. She was struggling, every day more and more, not letting the thought of coming after Abby, leave her mind. Truth was, Ellie would’ve left no matter what. Tommy’s words just hastened her decision.

She kept thinking about his speech for the rest of her day. You knew Dina picked up on Ellie’s distant behaviour. But most likely didn’t want to admit the worst happening. That night, Ellie went to bed early, leaving you and Dina chatting back outside. The two of you sat there with cups of tea, wrapped in blankets, watching the stairs. Dina brought up how you once tried to teach Jesse the constellations.

It was a few weeks after your arrival. Joel was having one his dinners when the four of you sneaked outside, lying down on the cold grass. You promised Jesse this morning on patrol that you would show him some stars. But his desire slowly turned into him being extremely frustrated and pissed off as he was the only one who couldn’t find a single constellation you had showed them. Ellie and Dina were losing it over Jesse, throwing his hands in the air, visibly done with you all.

You always had the best time.

That brief memory brought a smile on your lips as well as on Dina’s. She used to talk about Jesse a lot, unlike Ellie. She never spoke about Jesse nor Joel, running away from every conversation that could even slightly mention their names. Which you, unfortunately, had sympathy for.

A few minutes before midnight, you both said your goodbyes and Dina disappeared upstairs. While making the bed, you thought of Ellie. You really hoped she would let this go. You didn’t want anything more than her having a good life, here with Dina and JJ. Her happiness meant everything to you. But a part of you couldn’t get rid of that strange feeling.

Especially when you woke up in the middle of the night, hearing creaks coming from the kitchen. Getting off the couch, you grabbed the switchblade from your backpack and quietly headed towards the target. Ready to ambush the impostor, you stopped in the last second, once you saw Ellie’s face.

“Jesus Christ, Y/N!” she snarled. “What the hell are you doing?!”

“Me? What are you doing? I thought someone was robbing you!” you explained. “You scared the shit out of me, Ellie.”

She sighed, scratching the back of her head. “I’m sorry.”

You took a quick look at her and noticed she was fully dressed up.

“What are you—“ you didn’t have to finish that sentence. You’ve got the answer as soon as you saw her backpack and riffle lying on the floor. “Ellie, please,” you whispered. “Please, don’t do this.”

Hearing the pleading sound of your voice made you feel pathetic.

“Y/N, I’m not having this conversation with you,” she mumbled, breaking off the eyes contact. “Don’t make this harder for me.”

She didn’t utter another word, only reached for her stuff and headed towards the front entrance. Not hesitating, you ran after her, grabbing her hand. You squeezed her cold fingers and dared to look into her green eyes. She was standing there, few inches away from the steps, ready to leave no matter what. You knew now that nothing would stop her.

“Y/N, please,” she whispered, tears sparking in her eyes. “Please, let me go.”

“What about Dina?” you raised your voice, already tearing up. “What about her and JJ? What about your family, Ellie? Does this get to be more important that what’s waiting for you upstairs? Don’t throw away what you have. You’ve fought for this. So don’t walk away from it.”

The words were breaking your heart, as well as hers.

Instead of answering, Ellie reached into her pocket and handed you a piece of paper.

“Give this to Dina,” she requested.

“You’re gonna have to give that to her yourself,” you shook your heart. “Because I’m not letting you leave.”

The moment she let go of your hand, whispering one last sorry, you broke down to tears. Standing on the porch with coldness wrapping around your body, you watched Ellie leave. Realising this might be the last time you ever saw her.

Worst than this was handling the letter to Dina and watch her completely break down. You immediately jumped over to comfort her, hugging her tightly. You stayed with her for following two weeks, as there was no chance she could manage to take care of the whole property by herself. The other reason of your extended visit was guilt. Guilt of not doing enough to prevent Dina from feeling the way she did.

Eventually, after month and a half, Dina made a decision to move back to Jackson upon the offer from Jesse’s parents. As soon as the news of Ellie departure broke, they rushed over here, promising to do as much as they could to help her. And even though the farm was everything Dina ever dreamed of, it was time to go.

A group of patrollers and few men helped you both pack Dina and JJ’s stuff and move them to Jesse’s parents’ house where she was planning on staying. She knew it was for the best, having JJ grow up beside his family. Their arrival brought a part of joy that’s been missing in Jackson for the past few months.

Dina knew she didn’t have time to mourn over Ellie’s choice. She came to terms with it, making her child the main priority. And doing everything in her power to provide him as much of normal life as possible. Which sort of became a reason for you to get your shit together. The following months taught you more than one lesson. You wanted to be there for Dina as well as find a way to make this place feel like a home again.

Which you managed to achieve, sort of. You started helping around the town, preventing yourself from being left alone with your thoughts. You started participating wherever you were needed, slowly becoming Maria’s right hand. With Tommy’s condition, she needed someone to help out and you’ve proven to be reliable. To the point where you started training the young patrollers. Yet between this and Dina, you still found time to think of Ellie.

She made her decision. And although you didn’t support her literal suicidal quest, you respected her choice. To be completely honest, as the time passed, you didn’t think the two of you would ever run into each other again. If she made it out alive, there wasn’t much of chance of her going back to Jackson.

From time to time, you’d pass the empty farmhouse on your patrol. And every single time you spotted that house, there she was. Back in your head. Every moment you had of her was there. Whether it was her birthday, Joel's dinners or bonfires. She was there with a smile on her face, looking as happy as she possibly could. And you desired, more than anything, she would find that smile again.

The idea of her showing up, crossed your mind a few times. Especially when walking around the farmhouse. What if you just opened the door and there she was, waiting for you. That thought of yours forced you more than once to head over there, open the door and wander through an empty house, just to find a single memory of her. But the only thing left was a box with her belongings, placed under the table in her art room.

And the fact that the box remained on the same spot as before served as a reminder that she was still gone, not coming back.

You had to detach yourself from it, once and for all. You knew that walking over to that house after almost every single patrol wasn’t doing any good to you. Letting Ellie go for good was scary, yet much needed choice. You couldn’t dwell on your pain and false hopes. You needed to move on.

Fours months later, when the snow settled across the Wyoming, you were coming back from you patrol. Soaking wet from the blizzard going on out there, you decided to grab a dinner at Seth’s. Regular route prolonged to almost six hours because of the horrible weather so by the time you arrived at the stables, you were starving. Ham sandwich seemed like a Heaven on Earth at this point.

Walking down the street, you noticed people putting on the Christmas decorations, mostly lights. It was a tradition from the old world that people adopted. It brought a smile on your face, seeing the colours shining in the dark. Looking at the lights and snowmen built on the street truly let you forget, even just for a second, about the world out there.

While looking around, you caught a sight of Joel’s house. You noticed the porch light, still being on and empty chair, placed in the corner, as well as the flowers, now covered in snow. You stopped for a second, letting yourself place the idea in your head before you snapped out of your thoughts.

And spotted Maria standing by your front door.

As soon as you saw her, you rushed over to her, putting the sandwich into your backpack.

“I have a job for you.”

You heard the second both of you entered your house. Sitting by the kitchen table, Maria seemed nervous, compared to her usual confident self. The only time you saw that strange look on her face, was when Tommy set off to Seattle. You didn’t ask as you weren’t sure whether you wanted to hear the answer or not.

“A group of new people arrived last week, as you know,” she started.

During one of the patrols, one of the guys you were training, ran into a rather larger group of people with children. With majority of them unarmed, starved and injured, he offered to take them into your settlement. Maria had an open door policy, giving every one who passed through, an opportunity to stay, if they wanted to.

“We’re planning on expanding the fences, but until then, there’s not much space left,” she added. “We decided that it’s for the best if we move one of the families into Joel’s house.”

Of course you were aware of the fact that this day would come eventually. You just didn’t expect to feel that sudden wave of sadness.

You couldn’t get a single word out of you.

“What I need from you, is to collect his stuff and belongings and decide what are we should keep,” she continued. “I wanted to ask Tommy, but there’s no way he would do it. And with Ellie being gone, I think you’re the right choice for the job. You two seemed to be close.”

“Oh,” that was possibly the only thing you could get out of yourself right now. “How much time do I have?” you asked.

“Well, the sooner the better,” she replied. “The family is staying at infirmary, for now. The mother is pregnant, so I’m sure she would appreciate sleeping in her own bed.”

The job was simple. Just the idea itself was scary. The house was a symbol of Joel's being, for you. A reminder that he’s not gone. He’s still out there, at least your imaginary idea. Emptying the house means letting go of that. And you weren’t sure whether you were truly ready for that step. To say goodbye to it once and for all. To turn off the porch light.

“Listen, I’m aware of what I’m asking for,” she continued after her words were met with no reaction from you. “But I really don’t have the time for this. And there’s no one else I could ask to do that. You cared about Joel, you cared about Ellie—“

“Doesn’t she deserve to know?” you interrupted Maria, leaving a sight of confusion in her eyes. “I know that their relationship was never easy. But after all she’s been through, it doesn’t seem fair to do it without her approval. Without, at least, letting her know.”

Maria sighed, sitting down next to you. “I see where you’re coming from. But she’s gone, Y/N. She made her choice. I’m not blaming her for leaving. I’m just trying to say, that we can’t sit around and wait for her, potentially coming back. And if you’re wanting to go after her because of this. Think twice. I’m not sure there’s anything that could bring Ellie back. Not even this.”

Of course she meant well. She always cared for Ellie and wanted her to be happy, just like everybody else. But unlike you, she came to terms with the fact, that Ellie was most likely gone for good. Something you were still working on. And at the end of the day, she had a town to take care of. She couldn’t just send someone out there to look for her. Ellie made her choice to go to Santa Barbara.

And there were only two endings to her situation. She either died on the way, being bitten or ambushed by some group. Or she somehow managed to find Abby and finish her quest, with no consolation prize. If she would proceed with the killing, which was the last thing you wanted, Ellie would lose herself for good. And as much as you didn’t want to think about the worst possible scenario, there was a chance of it, becoming an actual horrifying reality.

The only thing left to do, was accept Maria’s request. You nodded quietly, giving her what she came for in the first place. There was more than one thought running through your mind right now. Joel’s house, the farm, Ellie. You needed a second to process this.

“Y/N,” Maria’s voice snapped out of yours thoughts once again. “Thank you.”

A fleeting smile was the only thing she received before leaving. She spoke to you one last time, halfway gone, when she turned around on the porch.

You had one week to finish your job.

You probably could’ve used the time more productively, separating the parts of the house for each day. But that would require to overcome your fear of entering it. The first day you tried to, the morning right after your conversation with Maria, you only reached the porch. The second you touched door-handle, a memory of you and Joel sitting in his living room flew through your mind. The sound of the heavy storm outside the windows, the story you told him that night, about your patrol with Ellie and how she helped you with those clickers. That smile he had, the whole time. Whenever she was mentioned, he always had the saddest smile.

Saddest one filled with care and love that was never going to go away.

You turned around, running home, locking the door and sitting down on the floor. Trying to catch your breath. Two days later, after arriving from patrol, you lied to Maria, saying the job is almost done.

You avoided the house like a plague, being aware of the reality that you can’t run away from it. As well as of the fact that didn’t want to let Maria down. So on a Friday night, with all the strength left in you, you grabbed the empty boxes and headed towards the house. Walking up the porch stairs without a single anxious feeling inside your body was quite a success.

Taking a quick look around, you spotted Joel’s rocking chair. Taking two deep breaths was enough to prepare. You grabbed the door handle, closed your eyes and opened the door. First time in months.

But the second you entered the hall, it felt as if nothing has changed. As if he was still there, his scent dancing around the house. Everywhere you looked, there he was. The dinner table — Joel laughing at Tommy’s terrible story. The couch — Joel talking about his favourite music album. You walked through to hallway to the living room and stopped for a second to absorb it. There was so many sights of him. One look at the fireplace and you thought of all those sandwiches and dinners you shared before he passed away.

You didn’t do much the first night since you spent almost all of your time walking around the house, exploring everything. From seeing his unfinished wood projects to discovering his relatively extensive record collection. Besides that, you found something else as well. Rather a realisation than a thing. Realisation of how many things in this house were somehow connected to Ellie. Pictures she drew for him, photos of them together, even a bunch of comics he most likely read because of her.

The saddest of all of them was a book called Idiot’s Guide to Space. There wasn’t anything Ellie’d love more than a space. That girl could spend hours and hours talking about it, knowing every single detail possible, from dates to names. She once named you all the astronauts that travelled to space, including the exact dates of their trips. It was her passion.

You sat down on the floor, leaning against his bed. You noticed a bookmark, a fact of him not being able to finish it brought a certain feeling of sadness. You went through a few pages and spotted that some of the sentences were highlighted with a pencil. There was something written on one of the corners.

Yury Gagarin was the first man in the space. She mentioned this in Wyoming. The year of 1961, just like she said. He flew abroad the Vostok 1.

That night you left the house shortly after one o’clock in the morning, spending another hour reading the book in your bed. There was a lot of his small, personal notes written almost all over the book.

The next day you decided to be more productive. Knowing you were pressed for time, there was not much space left for exploring of any kind. You started early in the morning with the easier rooms, such as kitchen and bathrooms. Most of the stuff stayed, beside Joel’s coffee mug and toiletries.

His living room and bedroom were probably the hardest one to pack. Especially when you realised that three boxes were clearly not enough for all of his records, clothes and wooden projects. You decided to divide the most personal stuff into a separate box, such as a photo of him and a small, blonde girl. Ellie once told you about his daughter whom he had lost on the day of the outbreak. He never mentioned her, at least not to you. You never asked. You knew better than anyone how delicate these topics can be.

You dedicated that box to Tommy. Even if he refused to enter Joel’s home, he deserved to have it. You packed it all safely and left at his doorstep. Small talk weren’t your speciality and considering how grumpy Tommy has been lately, you didn’t want to risk any embarrassing encounter. You even put a small letter inside, expressing all you wished you had said after Seattle. It was your way of closure for you and him.

Cleaning the house brought not only a lot of memories but thoughts as well. Especially about Jackson and your life here. You’ve made a progress since you came back. Even if it took a lot of strength, you managed to get back on your feet. Somehow getting through every day. Helping out Maria was great, that feeling of responsibility was all you needed to move on. You had Dina who you occasionally visited. You did everything you could.

Yet the feeling of being home was still not there. The sense of home Jackson used represent was gone. And you struggled a lot to find it.

The idea of leaving went through your mind a few times. Ellie did it. Though the intentions were different, she left because of the way she felt. You felt alone, for months now. No matter how much you tried to say otherwise. There was too much sadness tied to this place. Maybe that was what you needed. To pack your things and leave. You knew the door were always open for you. So in case you wouldn’t find what you were looking for, Jackson was there. Maybe packing up Joel’s house was all you needed to detach yourself from this. Once and for all.

There was a significant difference between living and surviving. You knew it now, more than ever.

The third and last night a heavy storm was taking over Jackson. You were standing in Joel’s kitchen with a glass of water in your hand, having a little break. After all day, you were worn out. You had an awfully long patrol with a few newbies and that always took twice the time than the usual routes you took by yourself.

You were passing the farm house, again. To be honest, as much as it annoyed you to admit it, you were quite thankful for the group of newbies as it taken away the opportunity of having another one of your visits. The last time you went to that place was after your failed attempt to enter Joel’s house. Just right after your panic attack at home, you grabbed the necessities and sneaked out of the settlement. It was a momentary idea that somehow turned into reality.

Maria would most likely give you a lot of shit for doing something so stupid. But you had to, for your own sake. You went to that house with a piece of paper in your backpack and put it on the front door with a three layers of duck tape to make sure it won’t fall down. Letting Ellie know was your own permission to proceed with the job. There wasn’t any chance she would show up at the farm house and even if so, she would never cross the gates of Jackson. But you felt obligated to do it.

Putting the glass in the sink, your eyes landed on Ellie’s old house. Maria never mentioned whether the new residents planned on using her space as well but it was still worth checking out. It was not the first time you wondered about it. Although Ellie took majority of her belongings to the farmhouse, there could be something left worth saving.

Just like you did for Tommy, you dedicated a special box to Ellie. With their pictures, Ellie’s drawings, the space book, Wyoming museum flyer you found in the living room and one of Joel’s jackets. It was a last minute choice you made in the morning, as well as the other one. The plan was to pack Joel’s things she deserved to have and carry them to that farm house. Making one last stop before leaving Jackson, for good.

You decided to give it a try and see what’s behind those fences. Might have been a reckless, abrupt option but you wanted to do it. The world out there was brutal and scary, to say the least. But you were devoted to find the bits of good left in there.

That morning, you also managed to write two letters, one for Maria and one for Dina. Tearful goodbyes were honestly the last thing you desired. Going for a stealthy departure was rather suitable choice.

Most of the boxes will Joel’s belongings were already in your living room. You put on your hoodie, grabbed the last box and ran through the rain towards Ellie’s shed. Slipping in, you reached for the switch, your body meeting with a deadly coldness. As soon as the light took over, you had a chance to properly look around.

Felt so strange to be her. Seeing her bed not being made up since the morning she left for farm. A pile of clothes lying on the couch right next to succession of books. Most of her personal stuff was gone, the closet was half empty as well as the cupboards in her small kitchen corner. You approached her desk and noticed the posters hanging on the walls. Savage Starlight, the comics Joel read because of her. Bunch of trading cards left on the shelf.

You immediately took those.

The notice board above Ellie’s bed was left with a photo of Cat and few drawings. Grabbing those, you put them right next to Joel’s book. Coming back to her desk, you saw a blue robot standing on one of the shelves, right next to her lava lamp. You suggested it was something from her childhood, not thinking it would carry any more significance. But still, you decided to add that into her box, almost filling all the space left.

As you walked around her room, taking one thing after another, the bittersweet feeling of leaving settled in your body. Sitting down on the edge of her bed, you couldn’t help but reflect on everything that happened over the past few months. So many good memories took place in her bedroom, before it all went down. The idea of you and Ellie laughing on her bed while watching one of her favourite comedies seemed out of this world. Impossible.

Ellie had a special place in your heart, ever since you met her. She was so extraordinary, funny and overall the kind of friend not everyone is lucky enough to stumble upon. Sure, you loved Dina and Jesse to pieces but Ellie was different. She understood you the way no one did before. Your relationship was strange, in the best way possible.

But now she was gone. Your best friend, the person you would travelled across the whole country for. The person for whom you walked to that farm house almost every single day with a false hope in your heart. Seeing it now, it broke your heart. Not knowing where she was, whether she was still alive. That moment of darkness came upon you. Exiting the town meant leaving behind not only Joel but Ellie as well.

Knowing you might never receive the closure both of you deserved was the last thing you needed to completely break down. Getting on your feet and running towards the bathroom, you grabbed the sink in order to prevent yourself from falling on a cold floor. Opening your eyes you saw your tears streaming down the sink. With a blurred sight you gasped for breath and squeezed the edges tighter, trying to get ahold of your balance.

You couldn’t stop sobbing. Your body was trapped in a madness and your last encounter was playing in your head like a broken tape, again and again. You stood there, convinced you completely lost your mind. More than anything in the world, you wanted to get rid of the pain. The pain that never seemed the leave your body. That sadness that was swallowing you, as you stood there, crying it out. You wanted it to end.

When you heard her voice.

There she was.

Back in your mind again. The same night. On Ellie and Dina’s porch you saw her a few feet away from you, looking right into your eyes. You begged her not to leave. With your whole heart and tears covering your red face, you almost fell on your knees. You repeated her name multiple times, each time with more pain.

But this time, the scene felt odd. Ellie wasn’t leaving.

She was walking towards you.

Each step closer and closer, until you felt her touch.

“Y/N…”

You couldn’t stop crying.

“Y/N…”

You barely managed to breathe, panic attack taking over your body. A second later, that rare image of her was gone. Mind left empty.

“Y/N!”

You heard her voice. This time outside you deluded mind.

You shook your head, convinced you’ve gone mad so bad that you started hallucinating her presence.

“Y/N!”

And again.

Convulsing in pain, you refused to believe what you heard. You shook your head again and again, almost giving yourself a vertigo before you felt a cold touch on both of your cheeks, stopping you from doing it. Scared by the convincingness of your imagination, you opened your eyes.

Almost breaking down for the second time.

“Y/N,” a heavy sigh left her mouth while her hands stayed pressed on your red, puffy cheeks. “It’s alright, it’s alright,” she whispered, taking a step closer. “It’s alright.”

You weren’t sure whether it was the weight of your feelings overwhelming you or a pure disbelief towards the idea of her actually standing in front of you that caused you to be in a complete loss of your words. Looking into her green eyes seemed like a fever dream. Because she was still there. The Ellie you loved and cared for was not gone.

“Ellie?” you gasped unbelievably, feeling your body becoming heavier every second. The realisation came upon you, followed by sob leaving your trembling lips. “Jesus Christ, Ellie.”

It wasn’t impossible for her to overlook your condition. A pure concern settled across her face as soon as she saw tears rolling down cheeks. Structuring every single detail of yours, a worry was slowly replaced with love. Love and happiness she felt while looking into your eyes. Trying the best to hold it together, you couldn’t stop crying.

Especially when she wrapped her arms around your body. It took a single second for her to pull you closer. Let you bury your face into her shoulder and feel the strong grip around your waist. That was enough for you to let it all out again. To cry everything out because she was there. Your Ellie was there, in Jackson, holding your aching body.

“It’s alright,” she whispered, one hand caressing your hair. “It’s alright, I got you.”

You stood there, in darkened bathroom of a house she once used to call home, holding each other tightly. Tears streaming down your hot cheeks as you wrapped your arms around Ellie’s neck, pulling her even closer. She was alive, right here. Words you found hard to believe in. Promising you do whatever it takes to not lose her again.

Twenty minutes later, you were sitting on the edge of her bed, letting silence to take over. Catching the sight of her bruised face, you took a proper look at her face, for the first time in months. Freckled cheeks, green eyes and rosy lips. There she was. With hands placed on her thighs, her eyes were dancing from one thing to another. You realised this was most likely her first visit after leaving with Dina.

“I didn’t do it.”

Ellie’s voice interrupted your thoughts.

You struggled to find the right words. Although the look on your face was enough for Ellie to continue, trying to give you a full picture.

“I wanted it, so bad,” she admitted. “I thought that was the only thing that would have ease my mind. And then I had her, ready to finish what she started. But I couldn’t do it. I realised I wasn’t doing it for him anymore. I was doing it to find the parts of myself I had lost in the process. Without realising that I was losing more and more, without getting anything back. And I didn’t want to lose me. I didn’t want to lose all I had left of him.”

Actions speak louder than a words. That’s why you reached out for her hand, staying quiet. Leaving her space to get it all out of her system. Letting her know you’re here to listen.

“I now understand why he did what he did, even if it took some time. And I forgive him, or at least I’m trying to. I’m not going to dwell on the fact that we didn’t have much time. I know he knew what he meant for me. I know what I meant for him. And that’s enough for me. Enough to let him go. Enough to let go of the pain.”

She was a different person before leaving to Santa Barbara. That Ellie would never openly talk about Joel, let alone the events that brought her there. She was heavily depressed and struggled to find her wait out. That Ellie almost lost herself for good.

But that version of her was gone.

And even though she was nowhere near the end, Ellie was healing.

“I found your letter,” she mumbled and reached into her back pocket to pull out a creased piece of paper.

“How long have you been back?” you asked.

“For a few days. I wandered around Jackson, mostly. Taking up my courage.”

“Were you planning on.. you know?” you whispered. “Going home?”

Ellie shook her head, swiftly wiping away her tears.

“There’s not a place for me anymore,” she replied, sentimentality covered in her voice. “Maybe one day, I will come back. But for now, no. Dina and JJ deserve to have the kind of life I would never be able to provide them. And Tommy. Well it’s not like we were on a speaking terms before I left. However, he would never talk to me again if he knew what I did. Or didn’t do. But I made my peace with it. And came to say my goodbyes.”

“To whom?” you wondered.

“To this house. To Joel,” she answered. “But not to you.”

A single tears rolled down your cheek.

“I know you blame yourself for a lot of stuff that had happened,” she turned to you, grabbing both of your hands. “Jesse, Tommy, me leaving. And I need you to realise that none of it is on you. I need you to stop living with that dark cloud over your head. The world out there is shitty enough as it is. And I know better than anyone that being hard on yourself won’t make it any easier.”

You closed your eyes, trying hard to keep that sobs inside you.

“I’ve hurt you all a lot. I’ve put you all through hell. But what I regret the most is walking away from you that night.”

“Ellie, you know I understood why you—“

She didn’t even let you finish your sentence.

“Shut up,” she couldn’t help but laugh, tears streaming down her face. “You travelled to Seattle for me, just to make sure I was alright. And to give me shit about it, which you had a full right to. You never walked away from me, even if you suffered. So now I’m going to do the same. I’m not going to walk away from you, not again.”

“Well, that’s convenient,” whispered. “Because I was just thinking about having a little adventure. And I would surely used a companion.”

Ellie cracked a smile, nodding tearfully.

Her sudden arrival changed everything. Especially your desire for stealthy departure. Both of those letters you wrote in the morning ended up at the bottom of a trashcan. Nothing would change, if you kept on running away from tough conversations. You knew it and so did she. That’s why you took all the time you had left and decided to have your closure. With everything.

Early in the morning, you went to Dina’s house, accompanied by Ellie. You knew they deserved to have their talk. You sat in the living room, holding JJ in your arms, watching the two of them sitting by the kitchen table with Ellie’s hand holding Dina's. She owed her apology, owed her an explanation as for why she couldn’t give her what rightfully deserved. Seeing that brought a certain feeling of heartbreak, knowing their chapter is closed. She hugged you both as you promised to visit them, one day.

Dina made her peace with everything, long before Ellie arrived. But you knew she was happy to hear the same coming from Ellie, knowing she respected all they have been through together. She smiled at you one last time as the two you disappeared in the streets, reaching your next target.

To say that Maria was shocked to see Ellie in once piece, would have been an understatement. That woman definitely wasn’t one of the most affectionate people but the second the realisation dawned on her, she pulled Ellie into a hug.

By the time you started repeating what you wrote in your letter, Maria was already aware of the purpose of your visit. Nevertheless, she respected that decision.

“I can spare a horse, if you need one,” she offered.

Ellie took a quick look at you, getting a nonverbal agreement. “We would appreciate that.”

After that, the two of you headed out.

“Take care of each other, alright?” Maria whispered, tapping Ellie’s shoulder. “Our gates are all always open.”

A thankful smile slipped onto your lips.

“Listen,” Ellie mumbled and reached into her pocket. “Could you give this to Tommy?” She asked, handing a piece of paper to Maria.

“Sure,” she nodded, smiling one last time. “Travel safely, both of you.”

As soon as the two of you left her house, you couldn’t help but ask. “You wrote a letter for him?”

“I did,” she mumbled. “But it’s not what you’re thinking. I came for a goodbye, not to give him an explanation. Even if our last encounter wasn’t the one I wished for, I always respected him. Seemed fair to let him know.”

That evening you went for two sandwiches at Seth’s while Ellie stayed at Joel’s house. You knew she deserved a moment alone, so you took that as an opportunity to enjoy your favourite spots in town for one last time. You walked down the streets, noticing a flyer to Saturday dance. You used to love those, always forcing Ellie to dance with you and Dina.

You smiled at Seth, something you usually didn’t do, considering how much of an asshole this man could be. But that sudden sentiment in you forced you to do it. You grabbed the sandwiches, seeing the pure concern on old man’s face, caused by your strange behaviour. You turned around, taking one last look around Tipsy Bison and headed out.

Taking the longer way, you walked past the stables. Another fresh memory appeared in your mind. The day you arrived. Sitting behind Joel, you tried to capture everything around you. You couldn’t believe something like this actually existed.

“Kiddo!” Joel shouted, as soon as the two of you jumped off. “Kiddo, come here!” he waved at someone at the stables.

You stood there, bitting your upper lip nervously, not sure what to expect.

A moment later, auburn haired girl appeared right in front of you with a backpack over her shoulder. She was fifteen, year older than you.

“What’s up?” she asked, catching a sight of you.

Joel took a quick look at you, giving you a fleeting smile, mostly to calm you down. “It’s alright, this is Ellie,” he pointed out to that girl in front of you.

Ellie smiled. “Hey.”

“I need you to take Y/N to infirmary, alright?” he asked. “Y/N is your name, ain’t it?”

“Yeah, it is,” you nodded. “And you’re Joel, right?”

“Right,” he smiled. “Now go. Ellie will help you, I’m going to talk to Maria…”

The night you arrived, Ellie walked you to the infirmary and stayed the whole time until Maria and Tommy replaced her. Properly welcoming you here, making sure you had everything you needed. The morning after, Ellie surprised you with a breakfast in her backpack. She learnt from Joel that you have been travelling on your own for months now and decided to pay you a visit. She understood that sense of loneliness you came from. Maybe that was brought the two of you together.

An hour later, you got back to Joel's.

“Finally! I was starving!” Ellie shouted as soon as she heard the door slap. She jumped off the couch and ran to you.

Taking one of the sandwiches, she noticed that peculiar smile on your lips. “What’s going on?”

You shook your head, smiling eve more. “Nothing.”

There she was, five years later.

You sat down together in living room, with you immediately thinking of those dinners you used to have with Joel. This was your last night in Jackson and that sentimentality wasn’t leaving any time soon.

“What is it?” Ellie’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts.

Before you knew it, she was bending over for a box lying next to fireplace, with her name written on the top.

“Oh, it’s a bunch of stuff I collected around the house. Figured you should have it.”

She put it on the table and ripped off the duck tape with her switchblade. With a bated breath, she looked inside, spotting all of her photos and drawings.

“You know for someone so quiet and tough, he was quite a sentimental man,” you uttered, standing up from the couch and following her.

“Yeah,” she laughed, browsing through his belongings. “I remember this. This is my favourite. It’s a flyer from—“

“Wyoming museum, I know,” you smiled. “Will you take it with you?” you asked.

She shook her head. “Probably not. All of this is a nice reminder of a person he used to represent and I’m glad you put it all together. But I don’t need that flyer to keep him in my mind. I have all those memories for that. Besides, it gives a good reason for visit, maybe one day. To go back here and reminisce.”

“Well, how about this?” you handed her a picture of her and Joel.

“Gotta make an exception for that one,” she accepted it. “Do you realise you just ruined my whole speech?”

“Sorry,” you couldn’t help but laugh. “I’ll take the first watch on the road, to make it up to you. Is that alright?”

“That’ll do it.”

The next day turned out to be much sadder rather than hard. Leaving is never easy, especially from a place like that. But at the end of the day, it was what you wanted. What you needed. Going out there was always scary. But gladly, you had Ellie by your side, easing that worried mind of yours, at least a little.

Early in the morning, she decided to go for a walk while you finished packing the rest of your stuff. You figured one backpack is enough so you tried to make it as light as possible. The two of you didn’t have any proper goal or location you would be headed towards which somehow made this whole journey even more exciting, overpowering the fear. There was a whole world out there waiting for you to find your place in it. With Ellie, whose steps led her to cemetery.

With two flowers in her hand, she stopped by Jesse’s grave. Although the two of you buried his body back in Seattle, Maria decided to give him his own place, out of respect. He contributed to Jackson’s community a lot. Just like Joel.

Majority of your belongings were staying in your house. You packed what was necessary, including your old camera and Ellie’s favourite card game. You eventually decided to take Joel’s book, dedicated to finish what he couldn’t. There was nothing left for you to do. Your job was finished, Joel’s house was packed up.

You walked down the stairs, stopping in the middle of the staircase. You looked around, capturing every single detail in your mind. It seemed scary in some ways, leave it all behind. But you remembered what Ellie told you last night. She didn’t needed to bring that box with her in order to not lose a memory of him. He was more than a box of stuff.

“Hey, Y/N?” Ellie’s voice echoed around the empty house.

You snapped out of your thoughts, rushing towards the hallway.

“There you are,” she smiled, putting a backpack over her shoulder.

“Sorry, I was—“

“Reminiscing?” she grinned.

You cracked a laugh, reaching down for your backpack as well, putting your pistol into thigh holster.

“Maria’s horse is waiting for us at the gate,” she said. “I reckon we head north, probably taking it through the woods to avoid the main roads. We can take shelter in one of the lookouts if the weather gets worse..”

Her voice disappeared in the background as she walked out of the house. You stayed there, one hand placed on the door handle. You looked around, grabbing every last detail with you. You’ve made your peace with everything and everyone. There was just one last goodbye remaining. The hardest one to take.

“Y/N?” Ellie’s concerned voice forced you to turn around and see her, walking up to you. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” you mumbled, “everything’s okay.”

With that, you closed the door for one last time. You placed the key on the table right next to his old rocking chair while Ellie waited for you by the stairs. As soon as your eyes met again, she couldn’t help but ask.

“Are you ready?”

Without saying a single word, you turned around, reaching for the switch, finally turning off the porch light once and for all.

A strange feeling of sadness ran through your body. Goodbyes were bittersweet. But leaving what you knew behind was necessary in order to give yourself the taste of something new. Goodbyes were all you needed to move on. To heal, to let go. And that’s what you did. You let him go. You let go of your imaginary idea of Joel sitting out here with his six string. You didn’t need that or the house to keep a memory of him. You didn’t need his porch light anymore. You were going to find your own.

With Ellie by your side.

In an unpredictable world the two of you were living, tomorrow was never guaranteed. And even if your paths divided one day, you would always have her, preciously kept in your mind. That memory of the two of you, sitting in her old room, having the conversation you were looking for. You found it. And you found her. Now you needed to find your home.

Was that the right choice? Head out there and face the darkest fears? One look into her curious green eyes assured you more than any other speech of hers.

“Yeah, I'm ready.”

[lostjulys]

do u ever feel like absolutely insane crazy thinking about c!tommy. like holy shit dude im gonna go eat some drywall now.

good dog. teeth not in hand, never in hand, gold-haloed with warm, coal-, soot-tarnished air. you say to sit, stay, and i do. you are nothing without a good dog by your side, heeling, biting, laughing warm at summer-evening-air command hey hey hey c’mon fetch. lightning bugs turned bad like warm milk, spiralling outward like sparks from night fire, bonfire with friends, embers falling dead from lava to dark / stained floor. ever try catching lightning bugs? the first time i tried, clumsy, one crushed against the side of my then-innocent (then no-longer-innocent, then stained by the solitary death of one single lightning beetle) hands, and i cried at the wrongness of it. not yesterday, many yesterdays' province ago, days years spanning bitter red stained on hands, throat, fingertips, dripping thick and slow (head wounds always bleed, my brother murmurs, gentle with head in lap, guitar-calloused, gun-calloused fingers pressing cold and comforting to temple) no brother here, no gods no masters, he'd laugh if here, but you left my brother unburied, rotting in stone, and i left my god stranded desperate/hopeless/bitter on a tower by the oceanfront, and i have always been a good dog. my ribs break easily beneath you: muscle memory stays past recollection, and the familiarity of helplessness tastes like sharp iron on tongue. (i am a good dog, not a wolf, not a weapon: ruffle my fur and send me chasing lightning bugs in the yard, let me curl up next to you on the flower-patterned couch and huff a long sigh of content exhaustion.) fire pushes shadows flickering endlessly against dark scratched walls. you hurt me once (twice, three, four times) on a seashore in winter: shall you come to spill blood over springtime too? shall all seasons be yours, now? you push fingers into my chest with full intent to collect my viscera as yet another trophy for your walls. will you crush my skull against flagstone? will the asking change the doing? little lightning bug, my brother laments over the sound of crackling fire and crunching meat, (alive? dead? crushed like a beetle, oxyluciferin smeared red over murderer's hands?) and i, dizzy, pain-nauseous, conscious of fingers tight at the back of neck and pulling hair, whine miserably at him: pick me up, keep me safe from men who kick dogs (you promised you would, but i do not grudge your leaving), rest your chin on my head, tell me to stay. brother, come catch lightning bugs while there's still light out. i'll be careful this time, promise.

[fandom-puff]

Four Years

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x Reader

Requested by: anon ‘heey i love ur work! would you mind writing some smutty fic for tommy shelby? something like he comes back home from france and its the first time hes sleeping with his wife after such a long time so shes a bit insecure + he's changed (more rough and distant). but ofc they both like it :) if not then its okay <3G’

YHC= your hair colour

Warnings: rough sex, mentions of war

Gif creds to owner

“This is odd,” you whispered.

“Why?” He mumbled, arms around your middle.

“I don’t know... I feel like a stranger. I’ve forgotten how to be your wife,” Tommy looked up from your chest, pulling up and sitting up. “It’s different now. We’re adults- proper adults. Mature, I mean. Well, you are at least. A-and I don’t want to grow apart. I missed you while you were in France. But now that you’re back I feel...”

“Like you’re in limbo?” Tommy finished your sentence and you nodded.

“Mmhmm,” you nodded, cupping his cheek gently. “I love you, Tom, you know that right? Even while you were away, I thought about you every day, how I missed you. I found all of our pictures and tickets and... memories. Put them in a book...” you trailed off as tommy gathered you in his arms.

As you cuddled, you felt his lips press soft kisses to your neck, and when you moaned and tilted your head to the side, he grunted, his kisses becoming more insistent, hot and open mouthed against the sensitive flesh of your neck that had been untouched for four years.

“Tom...” you whispered, eyes searching his icy blue ones, blown wide with lust.

“I know,” he replied, teeth grazing your neck as he began lifting your nightdress up. You whimpered; even after all this time he remembered your most sensitive spots. Letting him remove your nighty, you bore your bare chest to him, nipples tightening in the cold, goosebumps spreading over your breasts. Tommy groaned softly, ducking his head down to lick at your exposed flesh, drawing your nipple into his mouth and sucking, holding you close to him as you reached down and tugged at his own shirt. He practically tore it off, moving to his pants as his lips returned to yours.

“While we were in France,” he growled against your mouth. “They brought a few whores to us,” you felt your stomach begin to sink before he continued. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t go near her. She had YHC, just like yours, but as soon as she walked in, I had to leave. I couldn’t bare to think of any woman but you,”

You moaned softly, kissing back with renewed frenzy, teeth and tongue clashing with his, so unlike the sweet, tearful kiss you had shared earlier at the train station. “Please Tommy,” you whispered, nails grazing his scalp. “Fuck me, make me yours all over again,” you begged.

“You’re always mine, YN, no matter how far apart we are,” he said, shoving his boxers down just enough so that his hardened cock sprung free, slapping his stomach. “Come here, love... lay down for me,”

“On my hands and knees?” You asked; before the war, when you and Tommy did it rough, he’d have you on your hands and knees, grasping and slapping your arse.

He shook his head. “No. I need to see your face, see your eyes. It’s been too long, and I want my eyes on yours,”

You nodded, biting your lip hard as you lay back, spreading your legs, already wet from his earlier touches. Tommy pumped his cock a few times, before lining up with your entrance. Tipping your head back and squeezing your eyes shut, you prepared yourself for the inevitable bit of discomfort that would come as you tried to re-familiarise yourself with his cock. “YN, look at me,” tommy rasped, and just as your eyes locked with his, he began to ease himself in, hissing at your slick tightness. You gasped, mouth falling open as you spread your legs wider to accommodate his hips, drawing your knees up slightly so you could feel him penetrate you deeper.

“Fucking beautiful,” he groaned, bottoming out. You whimpered softly, arms wrapping around his neck as you adjusted, before you began to rock your hips.

It was messy and imperfect, an emotional blend of passionate lovemaking and desperate fucking. The room was filled with the sounds of skin slapping together, Tommy’s deep grunts and groans, your own cries of pleasure as you scraped your nails down his back, biting bruises onto his pale shoulders, claiming him once more as yours. He praised you endlessly, telling you how tight and wet you were for him, how perfect your body was, how you were made just for him...

You felt your orgasm building, and tommy recognised your tells; the rhythmic tightening of your cunt, the high cries dissolving into more guttural moans, the way you clung desperately to his body.

“Come, YN,” he groaned, reaching between you to grace his thumb over your clit, his own orgasm crashing over him as you convulsed and called his name.

Jolting, you panted, moaning as tommy pulled out of you, tears streaming down your face from the immensity of your release. Tommy immediately returned to your side, gathering you into his arms- you noticed the muscle that had built from tears of tunnelling- and kissing the top of your head.

“I love you, YN,” he said, and you could feel his thudding heart. “And I always will,”

Tags: @liliputbahn @lilymurphy03 @imareallygrumpyme @acciosiriusblack @shelundeadxxxx @peakyswritings @lazyotakujen

[mcmoth]

What's up bois, me and the lads (@astro-blade, @morning-glory215, @strawberiitea) cried in discord again, so here's some soft clingy duo Snowchester headcanons for you all :)

Tubbo eventually convinces Tommy to join him in Snowchester. Tommy, in my head, grew up a street kid which is why he keeps sleeping in tents n holes and dirt huts, and it takes him a long time to even get used to living in a nice clean house.

At first he keeps complaining about it, calling it cramped, too warm, pretentious, unnecessary, etc., until he gives in and just digs a dirt basement underneath and burrows there during night time.

Tubbo is exasperated but understanding. He gets why Tommy acts that way. So he just keeps inviting Tommy upstairs, keeps telling him that they built it themselves and that living in the actual house is just practically better. When that doesn't work, he also sometimes says he's having trouble sleeping to get Tommy to sleep with him in the house. And eventually, he's reassuring him that they deserve a nice, stable home, one that's warm and cosy and clean. And eventually Tommy starts getting more cocomfortable resting within the wooden walls.

On a less angsty note, Tommy misses his pets. Tubbo does, too. They also, coincidentally, need wool for warmer clothes in the snow. So, they build a pen, and get some sheep.

Tommy spends a lot of time with the sheep, feeding them, petting them, shearing them. Some nights, he goes to their pen and sleeps with them. Some nights Tubbo joins him.

Tubbo learns to spin yarn out of the wool. Tubbo had also been spending time with Eret, and Eret knows some craft skills. So, with his help, and just by browsing through whatever books he can find, Tubbo learns to cross stitch and knit and crochet.

Tommy, tho, knows how to stitch, and is learning to weave fabric. They get a loom. He creates blankets and jackets and carpets and other nice things for the two.

Tubbo starts knitting sweaters, and shawls, and other stuff to help combat the cold. He also crochets a blanket that looks like the L'manburg flag for their couch.

They have a fireplace, and there's plenty of pleasant late evenings where the two of them are just working on some project by the flame, chatting or silent, often leaning on each other. One common scenario is Tommy jumping on the couch next to Tubbo, whining and complaining, teasing him about the work, but then he ends up just tiring himself out and falling asleep on the other. Tubbo, similarly, often comes to annoy Tommy when he's been working on something for too long, but no real animosity is ever present.

Tubbo cross stitches those home decor signs, with pretty flowers and rude text, and hangs them around the house, like these:

Tommy allegedly hates them by the amount of mockery they recieve, which results in Tubbo putting a very passive aggressive decor in his bedroom space, to which Tommy responds by giving him a shirt with a middle finger on it. Tubbo finds that hilarious tho, turns it around, and starts wearing it and showing it off when he can, jokingly giving everyone the f you. Tommy ends up keeping the cross stitch.

They eventually get other pets, like some cats and a fox. Sometimes, when things start resurfacing and get overwhelming, they go hug the sheep or pet the cats or play with the fox to calm down. Most of the kitties tend to wander about, but one of the cats turn out to be very attentive, and often notices when one of them is stressed out, and goes to cuddle in their lap, purring all the while. The animals help out a ton.

They have frozen lakes by them, so they take on the opportunity to go ice skating sometimes. Tubbo is good at it, Tommy is absolutely not. Regardless, it's always a chaotic and fun time.

When Tommy's bored, he goes to work on his big snow base, which is really just a snow hut that he keeps making by piling snow and digging out holes to make a shabby burrow. It ends up ugly but also kinda impressive just for how big it is, and the fact that it also apparently leads to way too many confusing underground tunnels.

Other people come by sometimes. Things settle eventually as everyone slowly heals, and Ranboo, Eret, Quackity and Ghostbur are the four who visit the most.

Ranboo keeps getting teased endlessly, as usual, but after the casual bullying is done and he turns to leave, it's not uncommon for either of the two to dump a handmade gift in his arms. Ranboo also loves finding the cats and hanging around them. Tubbo and Tommy are salty that they seem to like Ranboo more than either of them.

Tubbo was the one to invite Eret to their home, and at first Tommy is snappish, unable to let his guard down, resulting in some arguments, and more nights spent in his basement or tunnels. But eventually, the memories don't come up as often, and Eret keeps showing kindness, until the associations Tommy gets from her company turn positive rather than negative, and her presence is no longer a taint on their safe space, but rather a part of it. Eret gets into the big brother gang.

The situation calms on the whole of the smp, and with time, more and more people visit their humble abode. Some leave gifts, some leave with gifts, some come to dye their sheep, some come to have a disastrous snow fight, some actual fights ensue, but for the most part, the space they've created remains positive and ever comforting. And with the rest of the smp becoming calmer as well, the ever present fear starts leaving whenever they leave their safe space, and Snowchester becomes not an escape, but a home. Things slowly get better. Relationships get repaired. And tho chaos remains a constant, they are able to trust that they have places and people to fall back upon in those times. Slowly, the wars are replaced with peace.

[mariamermaid]

The witches wrath (1/3)

Tommy Shelby X fem witch reader

Summary: You meet Thomas when you were just a little girl travelling as a gypsy…

Words: 2.3k

Warnings: swearing, drinking, smoking

A/N: This doesn´t follow the plot of the show really

Halloween Masterlist

 You´ve met Thomas Shelby when you we´re eight- he was ten at the time- when his parents took him, Arthur and Baby John to the first Gypsy party ever. You stayed out of town from Birmingham with your trailers, back then you were a large group of gypsies, almost 50 people. People back then weren´t too bothered by you, not like today. Of course, from time to time there were some numbskulls who bore hatred towards the gypsies, but things were different back then.

They used to shout my name, now they whisper it.

He remembered the exact moment he saw you for the very first time like it was yesterday. He and Arthur had his first beer- he chuckled thinking back when today only whisky made him feel that way- and he sat by the fire. The cold night didn´t seem to bother any of the people, women danced in short skirts with tinkling jewelry and when his eyes glided through the crowd, he spotted you. You stood across him and he saw you through the flames- how ironic he thought. He saw you in flames for the first and for the last time…

You grinned at him devilish, waking a sense of adventures inside him like only you could do. He immediately followed you and watched you running through the rows of trailers. Then you disappeared, but he caught sight of a single candle shining from a trailer. Carefully he took the few stairs and then opened the door. A wave of heat hit him and he remembered the smoke from the build-in ovens rising above the small colony of gypsies. He remembered you sitting at the table, watching every move he made precisely, your hands softly grabbing the crystal ball, which mysteriously glowed purple.

“Do you want me to read your future?” He was unsure what to say, nervously he nodded and sat down across from you. You wore a headband with jewelry that hung over your forehead. Even back then there was smudged eye makeup that made your eyes shine in the dark.

“I see great fortune in your future, Thomas Shelby.” He opened his mouth, wanting to ask you about his name, but then kept quiet. Chills ran over his skin. “But it´ll be hard to get there, a long way is ahead of you. Don´t forget to seek your family in difficult times, they will always stand behind you supporting.”

 For a long time, you two were inseparably, constantly hanging around each other. His family, especially his brothers were first unsure about you, but they quickly learned to mess with you. Even Aida found a liking in you, since you often braided her hair.  His father loved you. He loved the wild spirit gypsies had, just like you. He loved it because when he, Tommy and you took the horses out for a run, you didn´t need a side saddle. And when the horse went faster and faster, you stretched out your arms, embracing the wind. Smelling the scent after rain had fallen. Closing your eyes and feeling sincere freedom. They admired that about you, Tommy and his father. “Get a hold of her, Tommy, ey? You gotta keep a girl like her!” He often told his son and Tommy would dutifully nod. Tommy admired your sense for adventures, he couldn´t even remember how often you had gotten him in trouble. But he remembered that every damn time, you had found a way out. Every single time. He still didn´t know how you had talked him in to stealing a horse, or when a new mayor was elected you had exchanged the pig with a dead dog. On his birthday the school was unexpectedly cancelled. You had dressed Aida´s cat in doll´s cloth when little John didn´t stop crying. You had wandered with him for two days straight to find a crystal for his mother´s birthday present. His dad had taught you how to shoot and while you were a natural, Tommy needed a lot of practice. But not once you laughed about him. Not when you came to his house and Arthur had stolen his clothes. Not when he cried because an older boy had punched him. You punched back, because you always had his back. You were partners in crime.

But then the gypsies left town and so did you. It broke his father´s heart to see his son like this. Tommy didn´t eat for days. And every night you laid awake in your bed, wondering about young Thomas Shelby. Praying that one day you could go back to him. And you did, but the circumstances weren´t as you expected them.

In a blood moon night, men had overrun the colony, they killed almost all men and they had taken the women, often raping them. You had to run away, knowing that if you looked back, there would be nothing left but ashes. And so, you returned to Birmingham. As a broken young woman with no qualification for a job. All your hope laid on Thomas Shelby…

 Your hands were shaking when your finger finally grabbed the bell to ring. It sounded off key, emptier and not how you remembered. A young boy opened the door, first tears formed in your eyes. “John.” You sighed. The young boy didn´t recognize you. “Yes?” He asked boldly. You chuckled. “Is Tommy here?” He nodded unsure and you followed him into the house. The smell of smoke laid thick in the air. You followed John to the kitchen and there sat they all. At the end of the table Tommy´s father, to his left Arthur, Thomas on his right. A young man with an angular face and piercing blue eyes. Aida sat on Arthur´s side and Polly ran around the kitchen. His father was just explaining something to him, when he realized a new person entering the room. Aida´s and Arthur´s fight also broke off and all of them suddenly stared at you. You had changed a lot over the years. You still had long hair, but it was now hidden under a scarf. Your face was denoted by a scar just above your eyes. It was also the eyes Tommy recognized. You had grown to a beautiful young woman and the minute his father saw you, his hope for Tommy to marry you, came back. But there was no smile on your red lips. “Y/n?” He asked confused. You couldn´t hide the pain behind your eyes. “Hello Thomas.” He still could read you. He knew you didn´t want them to see you cry. Immediately he jumped off his chair and a hand laid on your back while he pushed you in his room. You broke down in tears and he sat down next to you, his arms embracing you. He had missed you; it was undeniable. But over the years he had gotten used to it, used to being without you. But now you were back and he felt a missing piece coming back. “What happened?” He asked quietly. “They´re all gone.” You sobbed while inhaling his scent so deeply, hoping you would forget the horrifying pictures in your head. “We were close to the border to Scotland when more people started to riot against us. One night, men came and the killed our men and they took the women.” He pulled away, his hands grabbing your face.  A sudden wave hit his body, his stomach had this tightening feeling, that he couldn´t quite get a grip on. “Did they hurt you?” You shook your head. “I was able to flee.” He nodded and embraced you again. “I don´t know what to do. I have nothing left.” You then finally admitted after a long break of silence. “You have me.”

 He was right, he still had your back and you were endlessly thankful. Within a few months you were able to open a shop with healing herbs and medicine. And with the help of the Peaky Blinders, people more and more accepted you. You often helped rather poor workers who couldn´t afford a real doctor. And the shop filled you with hope. Hope for a new beginning.

It must have been three months after you moved to Birmingham, you just closed the shop for today. The night was already settling in, giving you cold shivers. You locked the door and packed the key away. When turning a man suddenly appeared. Surprised you recognized Tommy. “Geez Tommy! You scared me to death!” He chuckled lowly, a cigarette hanging loosely from the corner of his mouth. You could see the smoke in the soft shine of a lantern evaporating in the night sky. You smelled the bitter scent of whisky, he had been drinking. “What is it, Tom?” You asked while starting to walk. Your small flat was twenty minutes away from the shop and the walks often helped you clear your mind. And since you had moved there was one particular thing that was very often on your mind. Thomas Shelby himself. Of course, you had realized the man he had become and you admired him. He was brave, courageous and smart, sometimes bold but always reading the situations right. But not only his traits, but physical as well. His strong jawline, his bewitching blue eyes, his full lips. You both had grown up and you cursed at yourself every time your thoughts slipped. He was your best friend. “Can I walk you home?” You laughed. “I don´t know, can you?” You grinned when he hearing his drunken accent. He loved your laugh. It was one of the few things that still seemed carefree about you. You tucked your arm into his and together you walked to your flat. For more than half of the time you were silent. It drove you crazy not knowing what exactly was on his mind. Drunk Tommy was fairly new for you. He was unpredictable, especially when he had too much. But you liked his rebellious side, you found it remarkable attractive. You were only a few minutes from your home away when he finally spoke up. “Y/n?” “Hm?” You hummed in response, acting like you hadn´t waited the past minutes for him to speak up about what he wanted. “You know dad always hoped that we´d marry.” You huffed. “I know.” “Do you know I hoped so as well?” You stopped, looking up to his steel blue eyes. “What do you mean, Thomas?” And then, without a warning he leaned down and pressed his lips sloppily on yours. He wished he hadn´t been that drunk, that the first kiss wouldn´t be so messy. You pulled back, the action took you by surprise and stumbled a few steps back. He could´ve slapped himself. Good job, you fucked it up! “I´m sorry Y/n, I don´t know what has gotten into me.” You tried to calm down your breathing and after a few second you were able to look back into his eyes. “Maybe you should sleep off the whisky.” You suggested and he chuckled sadly. “You´re right.” He was hurt and for once, he couldn´t show it to you. You had pulled back, you didn´t want him. And the worst part? He was relieved! He hated when he drifted off in the middle of a meeting just because he suddenly thought about you. He hated it because he was afraid. Damn right, Thomas Shelby was afraid. Afraid to lose his best friend.

He turned to leave, but suddenly you grabbed his arm. “Maybe… Maybe you shouldn´t go back on your own. You´re not in the best condition.” You admitted and smiled at him devilishly. Oh, how he had missed that smile. And then you pressed your lips against his. First, he didn´t respond, but when finally realizing that you were actually kissing him back, his hands cupped your face and pulled you closer. He literally pulled you off your feet and carried you to your flat. (You still don´t know how he did that.) But when arriving at the front door of your house he already pushed you against the doorframe, his kisses getting more passionate and less sloppy. While his kisses even travelled down your neck you fiddled the key into the keyhole and opened the door. You walked up the stairs, there was no light in the house. Under you lived an elderly woman who went to bed early. She seemed nice but if you were honest, you didn´t talk much with her. One hand laid on the railing while the other hand pulled Tommy up behind you. He didn´t know the house like you did, but he trusted you and followed you through the dark. When you finally entered your flat and you turned on a small candle, he could finally see your face again.

“Do you know how often I had thought about kissing you?” He admitted and you watched the flame reflect in his orbs. “Why didn´t you do it?” He swallowed and pushed a strand of your hair, his finger travelling down the side of your face to your neck. “I was afraid”, he admitted. You smiled softly, grabbing his face with both of your hands. “Thomas Shelby, whatever happens, I will always be there for you, no matter what. I promise.”

 “I´ll come back, I promise.” Thomas nodded, his head leaning against yours. Tears had dried against your cheek, it didn´t help anymore. War had settled between humanity and desire for power and men were called to fight. “Tommy, we gotta go”, his father stepped to the two of you. To his right Arthur, fear and pain in his eyes. Neither of them wanted to go. “Bring him back to me, will you?” You asked and he nodded, his eyes travelling to the ground. Tommy´s hands were still grabbing your waist, but you felt the cold when he left your starving touch. A last time, he pressed his lips on yours. “I love you, Y/N.” A sob escaped your lips again. “And I love you, Thomas Shelby and if you don´t come back, I´ll come and get you myself.”

[waitineedaname]

"this wasn't supposed to end in murder, guys, we talked about this" with the gordon, tommy + benrey (but BENREY'S saying the line, please?)

Gordon was more surprised than he should have been to discover Benrey was a stickler for rules.

Perhaps it should’ve been expected; they’d spent the entirety of the trek through Black Mesa harassing him endlessly about rules that Gordon was fairly certain were not meant to be enforced in a life or death situation. Gordon had thought maybe it was just Benrey taking their work a little too far or enforcing the rules only to inconvenience him. While some of that may have been true -- Benrey really seemed to get a thrill out of bothering him -- it turned out to be more so because when Benrey was given rules, they liked to follow them, even when most would ignore it. 

Most of the time, this only affected Benrey, and Gordon didn’t mind it. If the doofus wanted to avoid pirating movies like it was the worst crime imaginable, Gordon wasn’t going to argue with them. But sometimes, they enforced rules in a way that ruined Gordon’s fun. 

Case in point: attempting to stop Gordon and Tommy from getting their frustrations out in Chuck E. Cheese.

“This wasn't supposed to end in murder, guys, we talked about this,” Benrey complained from the main area of the restaurant (because it was a restaurant, dammit, no matter what Tommy’s intimidating dad said). Tommy ignored them and continued lobbing skee balls at the animatronics at an alarming velocity. Gordon cheered him on from where he stood atop the air hockey table.

It had been Tommy who suggested an outing to Chuck E. Cheese, no surprise. Gordon was bored and had nothing better to do, so he said fuck it, sure, he’ll partake in the rat’s pizza for an afternoon. Before they entered the restaurant, he had grabbed Tommy and Benrey by the shoulders and told them (but mostly Benrey) that they weren’t going to cause trouble, please behave, he wanted to be able to take Joshua to this Chuck E. Cheese at some point and he didn’t want to get banned. Tommy hadn’t said anything, had only smiled in a way that probably would’ve conveyed “who, me?” had Gordon been paying attention and hadn’t been distracted by Benrey going “booo, Gordon banning us from fun, lame.” When they went inside to buy tokens, however, Gordon saw Benrey hanging back and reading the rules of play that had been posted near the arcade entrance. Well, if they weren’t going to listen to Gordon, at least they were going to listen to the sign. 

The restaurant was virtually empty, just them and the bored employees who seemed unfazed to see three grown adults in an arcade designed for five year olds. Gordon briefly wondered if he should’ve brought Joshua just for appearance’s sake, but the kid was with his ex for the week, and besides, the employees didn’t seem to care. They had about an hour of fun fucking around with the arcade games when Gordon finally pulled himself away from the fighting game he had been playing with Benrey. The two of them had been getting way too competitive, and he had learned by now that there was a certain point where he needed to take a step back or else it would end with one of them in a headlock and the other one yelling about cheating. At least, that’s how it always ended when they played Street Fighter at home, and he definitely didn’t want to risk being the one with his face in the sticky Chuck E. Cheese carpeting. So he waved Benrey off with a promise of a rematch later and wandered over to where Tommy was standing in front of the skee ball machine, a small frown on his face.

“Hey, you good, man?” Gordon asked, putting his hand on Tommy’s arm. Tommy didn’t look away from the skee ball machine, but his mouth twisted into a tighter frown, a look of annoyance on his face that he usually reserved for truly frustrating Resonance Cascade related bullshit. Or for when Gordon or Benrey put the orange juice cartons back in the fridge with only a tablespoon of juice left in them.

“This- I think this game is rigged,” Tommy said, tossing a ball in his hand absently. 

“What?” Gordon laughed a little. “Are you sure you’re not just losing?”

“No, I- I have perfect aim. This game should be a cakewalk.” Sometimes it was a little hard to tell when Tommy was joking, but Gordon was fairly certain he was dead serious about this. 

“I mean, I’m pretty sure all the games are kinda rigged. They make the buttons intentionally stiff or something to scam people out of money.” Gordon rubbed the back of his head and shrugged. Tommy turned to face him, looking betrayed. 

“But… that’s fraudulent! Isn’t- Aren’t there regulations against that?”

“Uh, I mean, maybe, but I don’t think they’re really enforced. Pretty much any arcade is gonna be like that.”

“They shouldn’t be allowed to do that.”

“Nope.”

“But they do it anyway?”

“Yep.”

Tommy was silent for a minute, appearing deep in thought. He then turned on his heel, and before Gordon could react, he was throwing the skee ball at the nearest animatronic with the skill of a professional baseball pitcher. Gordon’s jaw dropped, and Tommy turned back to him with a broad smile on his face. “See, Mr. Freeman? Perfect aim!”

“Yeah, I- I see that!” Gordon laughed, startled. “Why’d you do that, bud?”

“If they’re not going to follow the rules, I’m not either!” Tommy seemed to sense Gordon’s apprehension and tossed him a skee ball. “Don’t worry, my dad knows really good lawyers.”

Gordon rolled the skee ball between his hands and glanced back at the main counter. One of the cashiers looked stunned at the display of violence, but the other one gave them a bored hand wave as if to say they weren’t paid nearly enough to stop them. “You know what? Fuck it. If we get banned, we get banned.”

Tommy flapped his hands excitedly and cheered Gordon on as he climbed on top of the air hockey table. “Do something- Do something crazy!”

Gordon’s aim wasn’t nearly as good as Tommy’s, but turns out that throwing anything with a destructive intent was a good way to release energy. Tommy continued chucking skee balls at the animatronics while Gordon started kicking the pucks off the air hockey table. They were making enough noise to distract Benrey into abandoning their fighting game to investigate what the hell they were doing. 

“Broooo, what are you doing?” Benrey complained, watching the two of them wreck havoc. “That’s- This is against the rules. Gonna get banned, man, whadda hell.”

“Come on, Benrey, I know you wanna break shit.” Gordon sat down on the air hockey table, which creaked concerningly underneath him, and threw a striker at them. 

“Wh- No, dude!” Benrey let the striker hit them on the chest and didn’t seem to notice. “You’re killing him! You’re killing Chunky Cheese, oh my god.”

Tommy laughed, breathless. “Aren’t- Aren’t you tired of being nice? Don’t you want to go apeshit?”

Benrey sang out a panicked string of brown to white Sweet Voice. “I’m gonna hafta call security on you. Gonna send you to Chunky Cheese jail.”

“Chuck E. Cheese doesn’t have on-location security!” Tommy countered, climbing over the barrier that separated the main area from the animatronic band to better attack them.

“I’m on this location, bro.” Benrey said, even though they were clearly in sweatpants and hoodie they’d stolen from Tommy, not anything resembling their security uniform. 

“You don’t work for Chuck E. Cheese.” Gordon argued, still perched on the air hockey table and repeatedly kicking the nearest arcade machine.

“Huh? I’m gonna have to ask you to stop, sir, or else I’m gonna have to take you in under Cabinet Man violations.” Benrey started to approach Gordon in an attempt to stop him, knowing they had no chance of stopping Tommy from climbing on top of the animatronics.

“You’ll never take me alive!” Gordon cried out, overcome with the giddiness of childish destruction. He clambered to his feet atop the table and almost immediately heard the distinct sound of wood breaking. He only had an instant to make panicked eye contact with Benrey before he was plummeting to the ground. 

Tommy ended up driving him to urgent care, Benrey berating the two of them the whole time. They did get banned from every Chuck E. Cheese location in a thirty mile radius, but that’s fine. Josh liked Dave & Buster’s better anyway.

[pixelatedrose]

Amnesiac

Word Count: 2,252

Ghostbur goes through through the resurrection ritual and meets a very familiar person

Amnesiac

  Ghostbur felt his skin burning and he screamed at the sensation. It’d been too long since he’d felt anything- even something like pain- and part of him almost enjoyed it.

  He vaguely felt eyes on him as the world started to fade away. He heard people talking in low tones, heard them discussing his pain like it was an experiment. It was, after all. He swears the last thing he saw was Phil as his old father tried to hold him, even now.

  And then Ghostbur’s world went blank.

  And...Then he was...Back.

  Where…?

  He felt like he should know this place, a warm hilltop with dry grass scratched over it, the sky a cloudy and warm ash color, though it almost made the area look dead.

  He turned slightly and saw two people standing side by side. One looked...Familiar in a way that Ghostbur didn’t like and couldn’t place. One of them reminded him of Friend- oh...Friend...Ghostbur missed Friend...But...Where did Friend go again? He thinks he should find him. Maybe these two can help him!!

  He called out to the two figures cheerily, a wave in his hand. “Hello there!! I’m looking for Friend, do you think you can help me?” The two people turned and something caught in Ghostbur’s throat.

  That look.

  No no no no…

  No that’s gone.

  He’s gone.

  That look is supposed to be dead.

  Eyes so rich of brown they looked red, unkempt hair falling over a tired gaze, the harshness in the glare, a snarl quirking his mouth in a horrible way.

  Why was Ghostbur there again? He feels like he should remember...No he does remember- no no no he does…

  …

  But he doesn’t want to remember, does he?

~~*~~

  Ghostbur gasped in a breath of air. The blue stains around the slash in his sweater had grown, and he had blue all over his hands.

  Wait…

  “Dammit!!!” Ghostbur pouted and slammed his hand against the grass. “W-why- why didn’t it-” He began angrily marching his way over, back to the altar, his still ghostly form skipping every few steps and floating above the ground breathily. “Phil, why didn’t it work?!” He asked, nearing the lapis and gold amalgamation of ‘his past’. “I-I- I’m still!! Phil I’m still here a-and I’m still a ghost, and Everything was dark for a bit, and then- then there was- was-” What was there? Where had he gone? What had he seen? What had happened again? Why was he so mad?

  No! Something in Ghostbur scolded him. No, this isn’t happening now! You’re trying to get Alivebur back, and you’re mad because it didn’t work. Tommy- when had Tommy gotten there? Whatever- Tommy clasped some blue into Ghostbur’s hand, he said something along the lines of ‘breath’ and the ghostly boy watched with slowly puffed breaths as the translucent substance began to turn the color of the sky, deepening until it matched the deep of the lapis behind him.

  When Ghostbur had calmed- thank blue- he was then assaulted with questions and soft panic wrapped in frustration.

  “Why didn’t it work?”

  Ghostbur stammered. “I-I don’t-”

  “What did we do wrong?”

  Ghostbur looked sideways. “Maybe-”

  “What did you see?”

  Ghostbur tugged at his sweater sleeves. “I-It was hard to make out-” You mean you can’t remember…

  Everyone was talking all around him at once and Ghostbur wished, now more than ever, that Friend was there. Friend was kind. Friend was calm. Friend never yelled, never complained, never shouted. Friend was safe…

  Ghostbur floated quietly up to Phil and tugged lightly in his coat. “P-Phil…”

  Phil turned away from the arguing and Ghostbur pretended he didn’t notice the pain behind his kind smile. “Yeah, Wil? It’s alright, bud, we’re figuring it out-”

  “N-no, Phil, I just…” Ghostbur glanced every which way, the noises around him seemed to be amplifying, and suddenly the spacious hole felt suffocating. “I-I think- I want to- I think maybe…” He was having trouble with his words now, why? Why was he so bad at being anything except a shadow of a person, why was he so bad at being alive, at remembering things, at doing things right? He was almost silent when he spoke, his words as much of a ghost as himself. “I want to find Friend first…”

  Phil smiled kindly and nodded, ruffling the ghost’s whispering hair, small stars of ethereal light snowing out of it. “Yeah, we can find Friend first, Wil.”

  They searched for almost an hour or more- finding one sheep or another, wild or caged- waiting for one of them to approach the blue that Ghostbur offered, the misty boy never quite finding the right sheep, never quite finding Friend.

  Half way through the search, his mind alive with static noises and worry and constantly growing panic, Ghostbur’s vision went black again.

  The static fluctuated and made Ghostbur’s head hurt and his stomach nauseous. At one point the noise was so loud he fell to his knees and cried out loud, covering his ears as they began to ring loudly, accompanying the symphony of dread and static.

  Then all at once it was gone.

  “Why...are you here…?”

  Ghostbur looked up at the voice- it sounded like his voice, but there was no mistake that it...wasn’t. And when he met those brown eyes- eyes so rich they looked like rust- he felt like he could cry. Something about the way they glared- tired, worn, pained, angry- felt like an ache in Ghostbur’s chest. Like he should remember something, like his soul could remember it but something was blocking it back.

  Ghostbur looked back at the inky black below his hands. “I-I...don’t…” He swore he could almost see his reflection in the black, see his pale, glowing eyes shedding specs of light like a cartoon fairy. “I can’t remember…” He said, tears beginning to brim his eyes. The static was growing louder, louder, louder- there was so much noise and so suddenly memories upon memories poured into his mind, too quick for him to recognize them, and it hurt and the noise grew louder and louder and louder and there was no escape and-

  Ghostbur was in a dark room. He looked around for a moment before hearing a voice behind him. He recognized the voice like his own, but colder and older.

  “Why are you here?”

  There was the noise of static building up in his mind.

  He couldn’t remember-

  “No.” The word had tumbled out of his own mouth and Ghostbur froze slightly. He calmed his brain as best he could, the static retreating. You’re here to bring back Alivebur… Ghostbur took a breath and turned to face the voice that was so like his own in horrible ways. “I-I’m here to bring back Alivebur…”

  Rust eyes narrowed at him. “Wh-”

  Static crashed down onto Ghostbur like an anvil, and the whispery boy screamed from the pain and noise.

  And then he was back.

  Back?

  Where had he gone?

  No he hadn’t gone anywhere, he was looking for Friend.

~~*~~

  Eret had found Friend, and once again the ritual was reenacted.

  Again, Ghostbur felt like his very being was ablaze and he screamed.

  Again, the last thing Ghostbur remembered before it all went black once more, was Phil still trying to hold his old son in his arms.

  And Ghostbur was back again.

  It was the same hill, same grass, and- same rusty eyes…

  “Hello.” Ghostbur breathed.

  “Hello…” Wilbur responded.

  There was an air of pause as they stared at one another, a soft breeze blowing Wilbur’s large coat and ruffling Ghostbur’s hair. The ghost boy seemed to snap out of his trance and took a confident step forward. “I-I’m supposed to bring you home! You’re Alivebur, right?”

  Wilbur’s eyes narrowed painfully. “I don’t want to go back. I died for a reason, you know.”

  Ghostbur took another step forward. “I know! I think...I-I’m not really sure, actually- but all I know is that you have to come back!”

  Wilbur’s rust eyes filled with hurt- why was he so upset? “No, you don’t get it! I can’t come back. I’m dead for a reason.”

  Ghostbur didn’t understand. Wilbur was always so bent on chaos- wouldn’t he jump at the chance to come back and cause more? He took another step forward. “But they need Alivebur!! I can’t do anything by myself! Don’t you want to come back and even see them?”

  Wilbur was silent and he turned away from the specter of himself.

  Ghostbur took this as an invitation to continue, placing another foot forward. “You should want to come back, right? Don’t you want to see Fundy, or Phil? Tommy and Tubbo and Niki- You’re Wilbur!! You’re more him than I am, you should want to-”

  Ghostbur missed the way with every word, every step closer, Wilbur tensed and flinched. He wouldn’t have known the way every horrible memory flooded his reflection’s mind, wouldn’t know the torturous regret that flickered and swam endlessly in his head.

  Flames sprouted around the Rusty-eyed man as he shouted. “I can’t go back- not ever again!!!” Wilbur screamed. “You just don’t fucking get it, do you?!” He laced his hands into his hair. “You weren’t there, oh you weren’t there!”

  Ghostbur stepped back, watching his mirror pace. “B-but they need-”

  Wilbur fumed. “THEY DON’T NEED SHIT FROM ME!!” He pounded his fist against the stone wall- Since when were they underground? The walls were covered in writing and there was a button- oh… “I took everything from them, Ghostbur. Do you not think that maybe this might hurt more than it heals?! You fucking moron!!” He laughed his words and it send chills shivering down Ghostbur’s spine.

  “I-I know the risks, but if you just-”

  “If I just what, Ghostbur?!” Wilbur shouted, though his eyes looked so pained and defeated, his body seemed to ache from the weight of memories. He seemed to be holding himself together with sewing thread spread thin as his voice wavered and small tears housed themselves in the corners of his eyes. “I hurt them!!! What the fuck don’t you understand about that?!” Hands curled around his arms as he closed into himself, falling against the wall in despair. “I dragged them through shit and hell on earth, I pulled them into things I should have fought, made them fight wars because I was bored…” 

  He shot off the wall and he spun, a smile concocted of pain and regret and twisted grief splattered across his face- it wasn’t whole, he wasn’t whole- spreading his arms wide. “AND EVEN IN MY FUCKING DEATH!! Even in my death I continue to bring them nothing but pain and loss.” The fake smile had fallen from his face as he turned his head to Ghostbur. “I don’t deserve to leave this hell. This cage is my fucking home now and the torture I live in is my birthright.”

  “Wilbur, you don’t have to- You can come back with me…” Ghostbur offered. Wilbur scared him, but he looked so hurt...he looked so broken and so tired and sad, like he’d finally shattered and felt his grief after years and years of ignoring it. Like the part of him from before- the manic and mad part of him, bent on destruction and bloodlust- had dissipated, leaving a smoking, burning, ever suffering parallel that lived with the scorching regret of choices that were no longer his own.

  Wilbur stared at the wall, the wooden button in the center plucked from the memory he was forced to relive most. “...No.”

  Ghostbur’s heart stuttered. “N-no? But-”

  Wilbur turned, rusty eyes full of guilt, regret, pain, and still yet a smile of melancholic hope graced his face- tears streaming and framing the scene. “They don’t deserve another me- they need you, far more than they have ever needed me.” 

  Ghostbur stumbled, ruble under his feet making his movement feel like quicksand and tar. “ W-wait- no, Wil, Wilbur- Wilbur hold- Wait, no, you don’t understand, no they need-”

  Schlatt was suddenly beside him and Ghostbur’s eyes shot to the ram-horned man. Wait- since when did he remember Schlatt?

  “Give ‘em a message for me, yeah, Schlatt? Tell them to stop trying.” Wilbur asked somberly.

  “Wait- You can’t just- Wilbur wait!!” Ghostbur pleaded, his legs felt like tar as black tendrils held him away, and he fell over trying to reach his past.

  Wilbur glanced sadly at his ghost. “Time to go home, now.”

  Ghostbur shrieked. “NO!!!”

  Wilbur pressed the button.

~~*~~

  Ghostbur woke up with a gasp. What the hell had happened? “H-hello?” He glanced down at his hands. His hands… “DAMMIT!!” The ritual must have failed again. He felt a cool wetness on his face as a breeze blew by. He was crying…

  Why?

  Phil and the others filled him in on how Schlatt had spoken through his body instead. “Okay...Who’s Schlatt?” Ghostbur felt like he should know that name, but he didn’t...Even when they told him he drew nothing but blanks.

  When they asked what happened to Ghostbur that time, the misty, blank-eyed boy couldn’t recall much of anything- just like the last time. But he did know that there was only one figure this time.

  And that night, when he slept, he had nightmares and conversations with Wilbur, trying endlessly to bring him back, to tell him that his family needed them.

  And in the morning, memory fuzzy, he always wondered why he was crying.

[argylemnwrites]

Settled

Pairing: Bryce Lahela x MC (Cassie Vanderfield); Roomies (+ Bryce and Rafael) friendship also featured

Book: Open Heart (~5 weeks post book 2)

Word Count: ~1400

Rating: PG-13 (rare language)

Summary: A long standing bet is about to be settled.

Author’s Note: Inspiration for this piece comes from a real experience in my undergrad dorm. It also works as a loose follow up to my pieces “Enough” and “Some Definition.” Also written for Day 28 of the @choicesfebchallenge - Closure.

Bryce felt his eyes getting heavy in spite of the early hour and the movie playing across the room. He had just come off a night float block, serving both as the senior resident overnight for the three gen surg wards and completing any ED surgical consults that came in from 5 pm to 7 am. Even though he’d only had to work 18 shifts over the past 28 days, each shift had been frantic, often with barely enough down time to inhale a sandwich. On top of that, he’d basically hadn’t gotten a chance to see the inside of the OR at all. The senior carrying the trauma pager usually got all the overnight cases, since there weren’t many non-traumas that went to the OR in the middle of the night. For the few remaining cases, unless it was a particularly complex case, the attendings usually prioritized letting the interns covering the wards overnight gain some experience. As an intern, Bryce had loved that culture in Edenbrook, but now that he was on the other side, he felt a bit jealous, even if he knew it wasn’t fair.

He was just kind of burnt out, if he had to put a label on things. He’d felt more like an internal med resident for most of the block, something Cassie had teased him about endlessly. But he just didn’t find the work as rewarding as actually operating, the shifts were exhausting, and now, almost a full week off of that block, he was still working to adjust his sleep schedule back to days. Hence him falling asleep in the middle of an action movie at Cassie’s with her roommates and Raf at 6 pm.

“Is he out?” he heard Sienna hiss out, obviously whispering in case he was asleep, forgetting that fact that her voice was far quieter than the explosions currently happening on screen.

“No, he’s not,” Bryce whispered back, drawing a chuckle and a little elbow nudge from Cassie. He dragged his eyes back open to find her turned to face him on the sectional, so he gave her a little grin before he dropped his head to her shoulder and closed his eyes again. “But he might be soon.”

“Seriously?” asked Raf, his voice drifting up from the floor where he and Aurora were lounging in front of the coffee table. “I didn’t think you’d be one to sleep through the latest Tommy Phelps blockbuster.”

“Lahela is a little baby who is still whining about the fact that he was on nights a week ago.” Jackie’s voice was the next one to fill the room. “Or maybe he has the right idea and is done with this dumb garbage. Why did I get up early for this again?”

“Because we only have one year left where we are all going to be in Boston for sure, and times where we are all off for a movie are rare!” Sienna cried out. Bryce felt Cassie shift slightly, presumably reaching over to hold Sienna’s hand or rub her back, but she didn’t move so much that his head was more than slightly jostled on her shoulder.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean we had to watch this. Elijah, you don’t get to pick for movie night ever again.” Jackie added.

“Hey, I know my selections aren’t always the most popular, but this wasn’t me!”

“Alright, then who is responsi-”

“It was my pick,” said Aurora. Bryce squinted an eye open at that, glancing down to Aurora, who had twisted around to face Jackie. “What can I say? Sometimes I just need to turn my brain off and watch some shlock.”

“It’s better with a beer,” Raf said with a shrug, before lifting his bottle to his lips and taking a drink. 

“Well, I have to head in for a shift in a couple of hours, so that’s not an option for me,” Jackie said, “so I might have to take a page out of Bryce’s book and just nap.”

Bryce swung his foot towards her as he let his eyes close again, nudging her shin. “Shut up, Varma.”

“What? I’m not mocking you.”

“Sure.”

“I mean, there is plenty for me to mock you for always, but right now I’m not. Avoiding this movie and using Cassie as a pillow is one of your smarter choices.”

“I’m not using her as a human pillow. This is just part of boyfriend privileges, right Cass?”

“Absolutely,” Cassie said, but the room got suddenly very quiet as the explosions and gunfire came to an abrupt halt.

“Why’d you pause the movie?” asked Cassie, but no one answered her. Instead, Aurora asked a different question.

“Elijah, you still got the calendar?”

“Yup, lemme pull it up. I’m pretty sure everyone’s date has already passed, though.”

“What are you guys talking about?”

The room was silent for a few moments, so Bryce opened his eyes and dragged his head off of Cassie’s shoulder, glancing around the room and taking in everyone aggressively avoiding eye contact with him and Cassie. “Seriously, what’s going on?” 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, it’s not that bid a deal,” Jackie said with an eye roll. “We had a bet on when you guys would officially be together.”

It took Bryce a couple of seconds to process what she’d said. “Wait, seriously?” he asked with a chuckle.

“It was Elijah’s who organized it,” said Raf, earning him a pillow in the face from Elijah.

“Hey, man!”

“What, it’s the truth?”

“When did you guys start this?” Cassie asked. She was twisting her fingers over each other in her lap, so Bryce slid his right hand in between hers, tugging her left hand over into his lap.

“Elijah took my bet the day after the Hopeful Hearts Gala,” said Aurora, “and I think I was the first one to pick a date. After Elijah, obviously.”

“Wait, this has been going on for months?” Bryce asked.

“Well, you two have been all over each other for years,” said Jackie.

“And you were all in on this? Even you, Sienna?” asked Cassie as she glanced around the room from person to person.

Bryce leaned forward to peer around Cassie. Sienna cheeks were flushed, but she didn’t shy away from looking at the two of them.

“I mean, I was rooting for you two! Plus, Elijah had a PowerPoint which made it all feel so official! And, I don’t know, we’ve all been waiting for you guys to-”

“What she means is we’ve all had to put up with your obnoxious flirting for far too long to not have a bit of fun,” Jackie said, cutting off Sienna’s ramble. However, one thing Sienna said stuck out to him, and apparently to Cassie.

“Elijah, you made a PowerPoint?” she asked, her free hand coming up to her cheek.

It was Elijah’s turn to have his cheeks darken, but he just gave a little shrug. “Like Jackie said, this has been a long time coming. And I was bored in allergy clinic.”

“It was quite the presentation,” said Raf.

“Yeah, we’re gonna need to see that,” added Bryce, shooting Cassie a wink as she shook her head lightly.

“I don’t know if I still have it.” Elijah answered just a little too quickly, making Bryce think he very much did still have it and had no intention of showing it to them. But before he could push him on that, Jackie asked Elijah another question.

“So, quit stalling. Who’s the winner?”

Elijah just shook his head. “Like I said, we all lost. Brittany was the last date, and even hers passed last month.”

“Wait, you got the gen surg residents involved in this as well?” Bryce asked.

“We’ve all been subjected to your prolonged and public teasing,” said Jackie, raising an eyebrow as if daring him to fight her on that statement.

“I mean, I know we’re a good looking couple, but this level of fascination is beyond what even I could have expected.” Bryce’s statement drew groans from almost everyone in the room and pillows chucked at him by Raf, Aurora, and Jackie, but all he could do was squeeze Cassie’s hand before snuggling up against her again, settling in for the end of the movie… and likely a little nap. Their friends could tease them all they wanted. They were happy, and that was all that really mattered.

Permatag: @choicesficwriterscreations @walkerswhiskeygirl  @octobereighth  @kimmiedoo5  @mom2000aggie

Open Heart: @mskaneko @omgjasminesimone @debramcg1106

Bryce x MC: @lahellacute @weaving-in-words  @anotherbeingsworld  @chaotichuman0090 @fortunatelywaywardsandwich   @dreaming-of-movies  @choicesarehard  @srta-give-me-my-jax-rl  @sunnyxdazed​

[jellywolf]

It's three am and I need to explain why Theseus by The Oh Hellos is a c!Tubbo song and not a C!Tommy song. So. I'll be posting the lyrics and explaining my reasoning so. If you don't wanna read that? Yeah. Also a bit my hc/theory about how Snowchester is everything that L'Manberg was supposed to be.

"At the edges of my fingers

Never quite closing round it

Oh, that peace like a river

Always going, but never getting

Seems like maybe it's not all that much a place

As it is a way

And ways don't ever seem to want to

Stay too still for too long

Isn't that what it's all about?"

Tubbo is one of the original members of L'Manberg. One that's seen so much of the conflict. Knew the original purpose of L'Manberg. Saw if fade by Schlatt's side, in his cabinet, saw it wither by Wilburs side, in Pogtopia. He was given the presidency of L'Manberg, something he's admitted to not wanting multiple times. He's seen countries rise and fall. So much. It's not the place, it's the way. It's how people are. Creating and destroying. Endlessly.

"The slow trickling thaw that sets the banks in half

The sweet melody it makes when the canyons crack

I wanna give it all I've got, and I want nothing

I want nothing back"

Tubbo worked his damned hardest during his unwanted presidency. He gave up himself. His best friend. All to keep it intact. All he asked for was peace.

"Whatever kingdom come, it probably won't come quick

No mighty clarion to announce it

No single use ark to discard in an instant

Like Theseus's ship, we'll fix the busted bits"

The manberg/pogtopia war and doomsday were slow crawling but ever present. It was doomed to fail. L'Manberg was never meant to be. It wasn't instantaneous. It wasn't drums of war and cries of battle. It was months. Years, even, of build up. Of pressure breaking a damn. And Tubbo, after the revolution, built L'Manberg from the ground up. And after it was gone, for the third time, he built Snowchester.

"'Til it's both nothing like and everything

It's always been

It's a wonder we expect a thing to

Stay the same at all"

L'Manberg was built and rebuilt. Morphed and changed. Told from the mouth of whoever wrote the story at that point in time. It was always L'Manberg, but it was ever changing. It wasn't something that could stay the same. It *had* to change.

"Maybe that's what it's all about

We keep fixing what we know is only bound to break

What's worth saving is never worth letting go to waste

I want to mend what I've got, instead of throwing away"

After Wilbur blew it up, Tubbo could've denounced his presidency. Could've given it up. Could've gave it away. Destroyed it. But he stayed. He kept what was given to him, even when he knew it was close to it's demise, again. And when it fell for the last time, he still didn't give up. He took what spirit remained and made it his own. Made it everyone's who wanted it.

"Ain't nothing come easy

No, nothing comes quick

It's gonna hurt like hell to become well

But if we set the bone straight

It'll mend

It'll fix

And we'll be well

Ain't nothing come easy

No, nothing comes quick

But I want for you this, that you are well

I want for us this, that we are well

We are well, we are well

We are well, we are well

We are well"

Tubbo's insistence to have Tommy live in Snowchester. To build a home. A family. To protect himself and what he cared for. His want to be happy. To try to be happy. Honestly don't know what else to say for this part apart from it having massive Bench trio in Snowchester vibes.

[rubysunnday]

So this is really depressing but in the episode where they were all nearly hung Shelby sis was before polly and by the time the guy went to say they were free Shelby sis was already hung and they were prepairing for polly. Polly telling everyone and tommy realising he Fucked up

A/N: When I first saw this I was like ‘Jesus Christ!’ but then I had an idea and I think this is now one of the longest things I’ve written on this blog. 

Warning: this is not pretty or fluffy or anything like that, it is dark as hell and I am so, so sorry.

Part 2, Part 3

You just knew that it was going to happen today. You hadn’t slept at all that night because you just knew. Part of you still hoped that you’d go free; that Tommy would save the day yet again. But, deep down, you knew he wouldn’t.

Even if he did, it’d be too late for you.

The warden opened the door, causing you to look up. She gave you a grim look and your body went cold. You were only 19. Just because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was unfair. So, so unfair.

“It’s time,” she said quietly, and you nodded, forcing yourself to stand up. Next door to you, Polly was being raised too but you knew that there was only one scaffold in the prison – one of you would be first.

Polly came out of her cell and her tired eyes widened when she saw you being marched down ahead of, already knowing what was going to happen.

“No!” She exclaimed, pulling against the strong arms holding her. “NO!”

You turned around to look at your aunt and paused. “Can I talk to her, one last time?” You asked softly, looking to the warden.

She hesitated. “Two minutes, that’s it.”

You gave her a small smile as you and Polly were put in an empty cell for a bit of privacy, the door locked behind you.

“No, this, this can’t be happening,” Polly muttered, pacing. “This isn’t right.”

“Polly.”

“No, I refuse to except this.”

“Pol, it’s ok –“

“HOW IS IT OK, Y/N?” Polly yelled and you smiled sadly at her.

You sat down on the bed and patted the space next to you. Polly sat down and you leant your head on her shoulder, relishing her comfort one last time.

“Death isn’t something I’m scared off, Pol,” you said quietly, holding her hand. “If anything, it’s a friend. Taking us from this hell to somewhere quieter.”

“It should be Tommy heading to hang, not you,” Polly muttered, and you nodded.

“I know,” you said, squeezing her hand. “But what is the point in my last emotions being hatred and anger? I don’t want to leave this life with pain and anger in my heart.” You sighed. “Pol, I’d rather expect my death than to not see it coming. I’d rather die a martyr than die a villain. This isn’t some heroic sacrifice, it’s just me, a 19-year-old woman, who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And if that leads to some justice in this cruel, cruel world, then I’ll die happy.

“We all have our time, Polly, and if mine is now, then I’ll embrace it gladly. But, when you see Tommy again, because I know you will, don’t argue, tell him…tell him I forgive him. For everything. Tell him that I love him endlessly and that I’ll miss him. Tell them all how much I love them. Tell them that I am sorry,” you swallowed against the lump in your throat as the tears started to burning your eyes, “that I couldn’t be there for them.

“I know I won’t be here to see any of them again, Polly. I’ll never get to see my brothers and sisters again, but, that’s ok, because I remember them as they were before the war – happy, filled with life and smiles. Not these soldiers that they world turned them in to.”

Polly sniffed, wiping away the tears falling down her face. “Oh, darling, when did you get so wise?” She asked, putting a hand to your face.

“I learnt from the best,” you replied, placing your hand over hers. “Besides, I won’t be alone. Grace and mum will be there. And Freddie and Danny.”

“Grace will look after you,” Polly said quietly, a forlorn look on her face, “I know she will.”

You nodded.  “Polly, I need you to do something for me.”

“Anything.”

“Don’t let me be buried. I don’t want to be stuck in one place. I want to be cremated and spread across the land. I want to travel, even in death, because the world never stops turning. I want to be a part of the future and the past. But, most importantly, I don’t want to be forgotten by history.”

Polly nodded. “I promise you, y/n, that you’ll never be forgotten.”

You exhaled slowly, sitting up straighter and smoothing out your hair and dress. “I think I’m ready, Pol.”

Polly wrapped her arms around you, and you hugged her back tightly, taking in her perfume one last time. “I love you so much, my brave girl.”

“I love you too, Polly,” you whispered back as the door was unlocked. “Thank you, for everything.”

The warden came in and grabbed you by the arm, pulling you away from your aunt and towards your death. You could hear Polly’s cries behind you as you approached the noose hanging from the wooden scaffold, but it all became white noise.

It wasn’t a bad way to go, all things considered. It would be quick. A bit of pain and then…nothing.

You climbed the stairs and with each step you felt yourself become more absent from the world. The rope was harsh against your neck as it was put around you and tightened. In front of you was a priest, uttering a prayer under his breath as your hands were tied behind your back. The warden stepped back and gave you one final look, sorrow in her eyes.

You knew it was coming. Out the corner of your eye you saw your executioner move over to the lever that would open the floor underneath you. You looked up and saw Polly being brought out of the cell and down the corridor to wait for her turn.

Behind your back, you felt the ring Arthur had given you for your 18th, running a finger over it one more time. You made eye contact with the priest and gave him a small nod, confirming that you were ready.

Ready to die.

Polly was screaming and yelling as the wardens held her still and forced her to watch.

“In the bleak midwinter,” you whispered softly, clenching your hands together tightly, forcing yourself to think of your family and not what was about to happen.

A creak.

A jolt.

Nothing.

/

Ada was waiting for Polly outside the prison gates, anxiously tapping her foot against the wet pavement. She stepped forward as the doors opened and Polly was shoved out them.

“Pol?” Ada asked, frowning. “Where’s y/n?”

Polly slowly lifted her eyes to look at Ada. “She hung.”

Ada fell back a step, hand over her mouth. “No, no, she can’t have. Tommy freed them all…he said he would…he said he did!”

“She went first,” Polly said quietly. “Told me to tell you that she loves you and misses you. And that she forgave Tommy.” Polly gathered Ada in her arms as she sobbed. “She went first knowing it would be too late. But she still forgave him. She forgave everyone, in the end.”

Ada sniffed as she clung to her aunt. “Do the boys know?”

/

John, Michael and Arthur stepped out of the prison door, blinking at the harsh daylight around them.

“Ada!” Arthur exclaimed, stepping forward to hug his sister, pausing when he saw her red eyes and ruined make – up. “What’s wrong?”

Ada let out a sob, burying her face in her hands as Arthur gathered her in his arms, looking to a broken Polly for answers.

“Where’s y/n?” John asked quietly, his voice cracking slightly.

Polly inhaled sharply. “She’s dead.”

“No,” John snapped, shaking his head, “no, she can’t be. The bastard freed us all. He said he would, and he did, so, where the fuck is she?”

“She was hung first,” Polly said quietly, trying not to look at the expression’s on her son and nephew’s faces. “I watched her hang right in front of me. Yet, somehow, she forgave him. She wanted me to tell you how much she loves you all and that she misses you.”

“Pol,” Arthur whispered, still hugging Ada, “please tell me this is some sick joke.”

“It’s true, Arthur,” Ada whispered, clinging onto him. “The warden confirmed it.”

John swore loudly, kicking the wall nearest him. Michael just stared down at the ground. “This is Tommy’s fault – the fucking bastard should’ve been hung, not her,” he said, falling to the ground with a sob. “Not my baby sister. She did nothing to deserve this. She was innocent!”

“I’m going to kill Tommy,” Michael said lowly. “I’m going to fucking murder him.”

/

“Mr Shelby, there’s a police officer here to see you, sir.”

Tommy looked up and nodded. “Send him in, Frances.”

Frances disappeared and was replaced by a solemn looking policeman holding his hat under his arm.

“Mr Shelby,” he said, stepping forward, “I’m afraid I’m not here for a good reason.”

“I guessed that,” Tommy said, standing up and coming around to the other side of his desk. “So, spit it out then, who’s died?”

“Your sister, sir, y/n Shelby. I’m afraid the release order didn’t arrive soon enough, and she was executed this morning as per her sentence.”

Tommy felt his heart drop out from underneath him and put a hand on the desk to steady himself. The police officer in front of him was still talking but no words were reaching him, there was just a ringing sound.

“- I am very sorry for your loss, sir.”

“Get out,” Tommy ordered, and the police officer quickly made himself scarce.

Tommy slowly fell to the ground, his back against his desk. His little sister was dead by his own hand. He killed her because he thought he could beat god. Her blood was on his hands.

“I’m sorry, y/n,” he whispered, burying his head in his hands. “I am so, so sorry.”

[lcgtopia]

TW: // Implied death and mentions of suicidal thoughts, DreamSMP, roleplaying

If you are not comfortable with such mentions then please do not keep reading and keep scrolling! This is all just roleplay and it is in no way canon to the actual storyline of the DreamSMP. I wrote this as a prediction as to what I thought would happen in the DreamSMP Finale and posted it on my Twitter before Tommy's and Tubbo's streams that day. Now this is just my little angsty alternative of the ending. AGAIN IT'S NOT CANON!

-

Guys.. What if SMP! Dream decides to spare Tommy's life in tomorrow's fight but instead decides to kill Tubbo cold-bloodedly right in front of him so he can lock Tommy in the prison and eventually drive him into madness, wishing for his own death.

Like imagine SMP! Tommy watching his best friend's lifeless body drop cold on the ground. Imagine him running to it and holding his now dead friend in his arms while his tears are endlessly streaming down his face, a cruel proof of his unbearable pain and guilt. A rush of mixed emotions knocking the air out of his lungs, chocking on his own cries of help for someone to save his best friend but to no veil.. They were all alone after all. Just him and Tubbo against Dream.. But now it's just him against Dream. SMP! Dream then takes this chance to drag Tommy away from the lifeless body and lock him inside the prison leaving him there for days to lose his own mind. Tommy is surrounded by the dark, cold walls of the cell he is locked in while he holds the imagine of his dead friend. He can't stop replaying the moment SMP! Tubbo's body fell on the ground after Dream had shot him to death. The pain and guilt was eating him alive and the more he thought about it the more he wished for his own death. He would constantly remind himself that it was all his fault. He was the reason everyone was suffering and most importantly the reason his only best friend, the one person he was willing to die for protecting, isnt there by his side, laughing brightly, sitting on the bench listening to the discs while planning on their adventurous future.

He didn't feel the love and warmth of his friend anymore.

At this point SMP! Tommy begged for someone to take his life right then and there, for he wishes to end his endless suffering! He was in pain and no one could hear his cries of help in that distant cold cell he was rotting away. Slowly but surely. Only dream could hear them.

SMP! Dream was feeding off of them. He thought it was just "too fun".