#creatine near me

[wholesalenc]

Searching for a Creatine Supplement Near me on The Internet?

Creatine supplements help in increasing body strength and improving your performance. Since creatine supplies energy to your muscles, you might be interested in looking for the best creatine supplement near me on the internet.

[jd07201990]

"Coach.... I think we should quit it with the shakes for a while... I can't get my shirt down!"

I muttered, feeling every ounce of the 40 lbs I'd gained in just 2 months. I could feel the thick, pastelike protein shake churning in my belly, a dull roaring heat gradually oozing from my core, out to my chest, shoulders, waist, legs, and arms. The raw, itching tingle of energy, fuel pumping into my sore muscles up into taut, stretched masses. Despite wanting to play lacrosse, and maybe look good enough to get a date finally, I'd made a mistake when I asked Coach for help. 

I should have known better as I watched nearly all the incoming freshman boys suddenly grow into grunting, sweating behemoths. The Dorms I'd been assigned to just 3 months ago, meant for incoming Science and Math Majors, now resembled a Frathouse. With heaving, lumbering nerds slowly losing interest in Planets and Chemicals, as they packed themselves solid in the cafeteria and snacked all throughout the day. All of us were bulking up pretty fast, and it wouldn't have been so bad, if I was unaware like the rest of the dorm!

Despite my protest, Coach slapped my back, causing an enormous belch to erupt from me. I groaned, my calloused hand going to my gut as I suddenly felt as if I were starving, what little room that belch had opened, now amplified into an insatiable hunger. Coach smirked at me, pushing one of his snack bars into my hand. I tried so hard to shake my head, to deny caloric nuke in my hand, but I found myself opening the wrapper with my teeth, biting into it and closing my eyes as the feeling of hunger subsided. Clach chuckled, putting his hand on my taut, boulder-like shoulder.

"No can do, you know the rules! All coach’s boys need their required nutrition. Don't you want to be the best? You said you wanted this, didn't you?" He said with a sneer, looking my hefty, thick-piled bulk up and down before giving my half-melon sized pec a soft punch, feeling the solid muscle under the layer of fat all of Coach's boys seemed to develop.

By the end of the year, not a single Jock in school was less than 200 lbs. The school had to cut some funding from the Science Department to cover the near mountain of new clothes, specifically shirts and shoes, as none of us fit into our original gear. I for one, ended up an XXL, lumbering around the halls and the gym at a whopping 220lbs. The entire school seemed to reek of athlete, classes with more than 2 jocks, often had some students complaining about the funk, while the girls, and gay guys tried to hide their arousal. My shoes, which consisted of sneakers and cleats, were all now size 14s, with not a single pair in the school less than a 13w.

I tried at first to get used to the size, the weight, the routine of workouts, meals, barely any time for assignments, as the school and Coach seemed hellbent on ensuring the Sports Budget was going to good use. All of us were forced to play a sport, the teams now full of grunting, sweating, aggressive young bulls hopped up on redbulls and creatine. For me, I ended up playing Football. I wanted to play Lacrosse, but coach said I had the genes for some real size, and vetoed my choice. He says by the time he's through with me, I'll be the biggest Biology major in the school. He says its what's best for me but I know why he's doing it. Because I haven't broken down like the others. I still kept my mind, and as long as I have that, the sweat, the meals, the snacks, and the grueling workouts will continue. Coach never fails, some of the sponsors say while they're eyeing us all up and down like priced bulls on a ranch.

I don't know what happens after graduation, but I'm pretty sure Weston Ridgeway, an eccentric foreign millionaire who bankrolls the Football team, has his eye on me. Coach says Ridgeway tends to like his "interns" Big, Dumb, and insatiable... I don't know how long before I fit all 3. I'm already big, and my backpack is full of shakes and snack bars proves I'm insatiable... Coach says he's got 3 years to, as he puts it, "Raise me up good and proper"

[total-karma]

okay, so we know that julia is the type of person who can stomach literally anything disgusting because of s1e8. she also ran a wellness blog/page/instagram account where she definitely at some point drank some bullshit immune-system-boosting gut-health green smoothies and downed handfuls of 'healthy hair-growth vitamin gummies!' on camera for a cheque. but we know that she's also an incredibly performative fraud, so as soon as the cameras were off she definitely immediately downed a redbull and like, three cans of diet coke. prior to her wellness-influencer phase, i believe she probably did the whole unfailing-2016-go-viral-quick scheme of doing all kinds of gross food 'challenges' for a few minutes of brief youtube fame, including but not limited to the warheads super-sour challenge, the tide-pod challenge, and the cinnamon challenge. i think she's definitely also been through a gym-rat phase where her diet consisted entirely of unseasoned chicken, protein powder and creatine. and nothing will convince me that there's a single universe out there where julia doesn't have a vape constantly in her hand. she relies on that mint-leaf-honeydew-berry-kiwi vapour to live.

which leads me to believe she has consumed more weird/gross things on this planet than anybody else, has grown a near radioactive microbiome in her gut as a result of this, and become immune to practically anything including but not limited to dangerous toxins, poisons, chemicals and literal plastic. if owen is a human garbage disposal, julia is a human garbage INCINERATOR.

[balkanradfem]

I have a few health problems, so I've been trying a few herbal supplements and so far every one has gone great. But within the last month, I started having a bad health scare. My heart would hurt all the time, it would skip beats and tremble, and I had this low level sense of dread all the time.

And I was seriously concerned that I was going to have a heart attack or stroke, since they run in my family and my father had one by 50, but I don't have any money to afford the American healthcare system and their endless tests that never give you any answers. So I was reading everything I could find on heart attacks in 30 year old women and after two weeks, I find a small blurb that mentions creatine monohydrate causing my symptoms in a 27 year old man with no other health problems. And I had just started creatine the week this all started.

Turns out, when you're taking creatine monohydrate, you have to drink insane amounts of water and eat a caloric excess, otherwise it causes heart issues. Which to someone who is used to working 12 hour shifts on the bare minimum, was not something I ever do.

So I stopped it and the issues went away immediately. But I definitely regret that it caused those symptoms, because I started creatine because of its muscle boosting effects and by goddess did it really work. I put on the same amount of muscle with that stuff in two weeks, that normally takes me two months to achieve.

So I guess the moral of this story is I think everyone should take creatine monohydrate because we should all build more muscle, but also, don't be me and ignore water and food because then you'll think you're having a heart attack.

Thank you for sharing the health information! The moral that I take with me is that I should never go anywhere near this supplement, extra muscle is not worth being at risk for a heart attack, and it's possible to build muscles slowly, without risking a heart attack at all. I know muscles are nice to have but! Being alive is more important.

I hope this is helpful to anyone finding themselves with similar symptoms!

[kilowogcore]

The X from Outer Space

Let's talk about space, poozers! I love space. I'm from space! If humanity manages ta' not go extinct, humanity's future is in space. There ain't no doubt about that.

Good talk! Now lets talk about SpaceX.

Years ago little Elon Musk had a dream: To be a technocratic racist and antisemite obsessed with the letter X like his grandfather (seriously, look it up, the man left the Technocracy Movement cuz it wasn't racist an' capitalist enough fer him, that's how Mother Musk's family ended up in apartheid South Africa).

After little Elon failed his way into a fortune by not inventin' Paypal, he thought, "What if I sabotaged humanity's future ta' usher in a horrifyin' dystopia?" An' SpaceX was born.

SpaceX has exactly one claim to fame: It does a few things and only a few things. Since it only does a few things, it can do 'em repetitively an' cheaply.

See, every NASA mission is bespoke. Even reuseable craft, like the Space Shuttle, had to be adaptable enough for bespoke missions. Each mission is designed from nearly the ground up, an' that's very expensive.

SpaceX, on the other hand, decided ta' build a kinda assembly line ta' do one specific thing. The space station needs cargo? Let's build a cargo hauler that just does that over an' over. Cuz it's the same mission profile, everythin' can be streamlined an' cheaper.

Now, SpaceX clearly didn't come up with the idea of a reusable platform. That's a standard thing in manufacturin'. Ya may be askin', why didn't NASA do that? And the answer's simple. Cuz Congress didn't want NASA to do that. Congress wanted SpaceX to do that. Congress was so impressed with Elon Musk not creatin' Paypal and gettin' fired from CEO for incompetence twice that they went with his idea rather than the organization that had put us on the moon with a shoestring budget.

There were a zillion problems, but one was bigger than the others: SpaceX, like all Musk enterprises, was a complete failure and its rockets blew up. Well, that certainly makes it difficult to be the best at space!

But Elon Musk's buddies and cronies in Congress had a solution: Throw money at him. Rocket blows up? Throw more money. And more. And more. SpaceX would have been bankrupt in 2006 without a single success if Congress hadn't kept throwin' taxpayer money at it.

Why didn't they throw that money at NASA? Well if NASA had designed the assembly line launch platform, which they could have done much easier and cheaper, then the assembly line launch platform would have belonged to a public organization, and thus to the people, instead of belonging to literally the worst human being on the face of the earth.

That's it. That's the only reason. I defy you to find me any legitimate reason. And I'm not talking about Musk bribin' them, that's all part of him being the worst, I'm talkin' legitimate scientific reasons to fund an absolute failure of a company instead of NASA. There ain't none. Capitalism is just evil fer evil's sake sometimes.

Today, SpaceX puts multiple times more space junk into orbit than the entire rest of the world combined. In just six months last year there were over 25,000 near-misses where SpaceX junk almost collided with other spacecraft. Astronomers are havin' trouble seein' through all the junk. Space missions have become astronomically (pun intended) more dangerous.

SpaceX is also a bad partner. Thanks to the Trump-appointed former head a' NASA, the US space agency is dependent on SpaceX. That means the Artemis 2 mission is indefinitely delayed because, surprise surprise, the necessary SpaceX components don't work. SpaceX misses every deadline it sets, which has repercussions for NASA as well. So Musk's incompetence is keepin' us from space exploration.

Sometimes people say that Musk ain't really in charge, that the engineers are. That's a lie. Musk is in charge. Musk wanted Starlink, Musk got Starlink. Musk wanted to mislead Ukraine about Starlink, Musk got it. Musk wanted Starship, well, he ain't gotten Starship yet but he's more than willin' to keep throwin' our money at it until he does. It's all Musk.

There are some very good engineers at SpaceX. And they oughta be ashamed of what they're doin'.

Starship is currently past the phase where it's blowin' up all the time. They've landed one of the boosters successfully. It'll take far longer than Musk says (it always does), but they'll bludgeon their way to a solution eventually.

Provided, of course, we allow 'em to. Provided we keep givin' 'em our public money to fund their failure. Provided we keep supportin' an evil company that is harmin' and destroyin' our future in spaceflight and astronomy by cloggin' up Earth orbit.

If starship explosions don't happen naturally, storebought is fine.

Be safe, poozers, an' keep watchin' the stars.

[employee052]

semi vent fic

intentionally written incredibly vauge but if you know this blog, then you can probably guess what its about kashjdlkasd

also, they are not talking about something in particular. this was written both to collect my thoughts and calm down so im sorry if something sounds wrong or theres a spelling error.

---

a man in a green jacket sits down on a grassy hillside near a thicket of trees. a mop of teal green and white hair swaying against the wind as a comforting gust washes over the landscape. the forest of pine and oak rustling in tranquillity as the cloudy blue sky ahead provides shelter from the sweltering sun.

the man in green closes his eyes. taking a deep breath before sighing out all the remaining stresses and anxieties from his system even for just a moment.

behind him, another figure passes by, their brown sweater feeling almost fitting for the surroundings as their white hoodie string flows along with the wind..

the figure sits down beside the man in green and stares out into the nature ahead of them. 

the two sit in contemplative silence for a moment. letting the silence ease their nerves as they simply basked in the comforting presence of polite company.

the man in brown breaks the silence. "do you ever wish to join them?" he asks, words vague like a secret struggling to be kept hidden. 

yet the man in green understands his question. "yeah, sorta." he responds honestly, fiddling with whatever is beside him on the ground.

"i hate feeling like i'm missing out on something," he continues, "maybe its the anxiety speaking? i have no clue."

another contemplative pause.

"a part of me wants to join them, but…" brown trails off, looking off into the forest as if he was looking for something.

"but?"

"... it feels weird, trying to join them. maybe i just enjoy the more private parts of it all." 

green nods understandingly, a small empathetic smile on his face. "felt."

"it feels like everything is going so fast in there." brown continues, " things are always starting, prompts being made, stories being written, art being drawn. its hard to keep up."

"yep, that and it feels like whatever i make isn't good enough compared to the likes of giants and creative geniuses there. i know im a good artist, but compared to everyone there? i feel like an ant." 

the two go silent as the sound of leaves rustling in the wind grows louder, the wind picking up as though it were a scene in a film. both men let the words exchanged settle into their minds comfortingly, understanding the other for a moment or two.

"what do you suppose we do then?" asks brown, looking to green for guidance.

green pauses, looking back at brown through his yellow glasses. 

"as much as i want to continue trying to join that stream of creation and excitement, i think ill keep things slow, personal, calm even. i hate feeling rushed, and when i want to do stuff with you in it, i want it to mean something. and not just because i don't want to be left out."

brown looks at green understandingly. a comforting smile on his face as he nods.

"ill still do things where, if it comes up ill do it. but i think im good being left out of everything for now. i enjoy doing things at my own pace."

he looks into browns eyes, "and what about you? what's your take on it? im not making a decision without your side."

brown's eyes widen, eyebrows raised as he tries to gather his thoughts together before replying.

"well," he starts looking back into the forest like it was his audience, "i agree with what you said honestly. so there's not much i can comment on."

"as much as i enjoy being the centre of attention, i enjoy it when we get to make something together at our own pace. the pressure of trying to do better with every piece as opposed to just creating for the fun of it all feels suffocating most days." 

brown looks at green suddenly, eyes swimming with nostalgia. "truth be told, i miss the early days. where you would draw me on a notebook, and it would be just us together creating. with you at the pencil and me as the muse."

"nothing to fear, nothing to think, just us, enjoying each other's company."  he says, almost grandiose. like it was a long forgotten time before all the mental turmoil and struggle hit them both like a truck.

green says nothing. opting to think back to those days with a smile. the calm and slow origins of what would later accumulate to the two on the hill, looking out into the forest.

"remember character ai? when you were talking to me there?" brown starts again, a playful grin on his face. "those were some good stories. while the bot never truly got my character down, your guidance really pushed our story into something cohesive and enjoyable. it might have been the first time i wrote with anyone else before…"

green grins, "i'm glad to hear it! and i had fun as well. really."

"maybe it was because it felt like you actually were there with me telling a story, even if the bot butchered your character a lot." green shrugged.

"psh," brown started, "a bot could never get my character down! I have too many facets to myself that putting it into a simple chatbot is like an isolation of my features! reduced to nothing but a few key traits that could never begin to even represent me as an individual!" 

"i know i know…" green sighed, "honestly, it's why i haven't gone back to that bot in ages. it's like your character finally solidified in my head, and now i'm the only one who can write you right. or at least you as my narrator anyways."

"your narrator. talk about sap, nerd." 

"oh can it, dork. you know what i mean."

the two quietly chuckle under their breath. sharing a quick friendly smile before they settle back into sitting calmly on the hill.

"so… we continue like this then? just us, the parable, and a few friends here and there with the occasional prompt or two?" brown asks.

"i suppose. maybe one day i'll be strong and determined enough to go back into that stream of creation again. but im content just sitting at the shore banks dipping my toes into the water and letting the breeze cool my face." green answers, the wind picking up like a crescendo of emotion. the two looking out into the forest with a soft smile and an easy heart. ready to take their time and savour all they can in the moment.

"i understand." brown replies. taking green's hand comfortingly and squeezing it, silently comforting and reassuring him.

…

"also, great use of metaphors by the way." he adds slightly jokingly

green rolls his eyes. "jeez thanks. and i assume that my english test on shakespeare is tomorrow too, sir?" he teases, his voice light with genuinity as he scooches closer to his friend and rests his head on brown's shoulder.

brown scoffs, "and to think i enjoyed writing with you." he jokes back, knowing full well that they both carry no real bite at these taunts. resting his head against green's shoulder as the two stare off into the forest peacefully. 

[kontextmaschine]

on the weight-loss thing, is your position that taking lots of creatine would make many/most people lose weight? if so, why do you think that hasn't been discovered previously?

No, it is not. My issue in particular is long covid effects interrupting the conversion of blood sugar to ATP energy and rendering it inefficient or otherwise unable to meet full muscle demand even at rest.

Taking the creatine I am able to produce enough energy to fill the hole by breaking down stored fat, otherwise I would experience strong fatigue.

Creatine gives the ability to break down fat for energy, it does not cause it. A normal healthy person even on this much creatine would preferentially power her muscles from converting blood sugar.

If she did exercise that took her beyond the limits of what she could generate that way – reps of a heavy weight, say – then creatine-mediated generation would matter, and by taking creatine she could do more exercise and burn more fat (and build more muscle) there, but even then nowhere near my current level. And she would have to do that exercise.

If on the other hand she attempted to drop her aerobic energy generation to my level by severe restriction of sugar and carbs (which the body processes to sugar on an intermediate timeframe) she would experience hunger, macronutrient shortages, and other negative effects I don't – I've had no problem with low blood sugar symptoms like lightheaded dizziness, for example.

If you do any exercise that involves going as hard as you can for as long or as many times as you can ("oh gosh, this is as many reps of this many plates I can do right now" counts) creatine can make it even more productive but it's not a miracle powder, it just lines up with my one weird-ass plague symptom in the exact right way (at first I wasn't even interested in the weight loss, I just appreciated that it could get me out from a fatigue so deep I had to manually breath in order to fully cycle the air in my lungs)

[joshuasearing]

Friday 8th November 2024

Hey journal so the rest of work was really stressful surprise surprise, I was on instore for the rest of my shift. Then 15 minutes before my shift ended they wanted me to train someone on delivery’s and in store for a bit, then when I wanted to go I was made to work for an hour extra 15 minutes after my shift, as they couldn’t find someone that could train that guy instead of me. First of it’s not my job to train I don’t get paid more to do that like some people so I shouldn’t be made to train someone which is bullshit, then also it’s not my fault they are shittly planned and can’t find someone else. I had already 9 and half hours. Also to make this worse my clock ins have messed up, so it’s saying on my app I’ve made £0 today and as if I haven’t worked today which is bullshit. So I better get fucking paid for the near on 10 hours I have fucking done. Then I emailed them and they didn’t answer. Then I went to gym after work and did about 30 minutes with Morgan as I was just not in the mood for the gym after work pissing me off. Then I drove home, and rang work to explain what is going on and all I got back was they will check later which is bullshit, as I worked my ass of for that money and now you are not going to check the clock ins to make sure I get my money. I literally feel like I’m going insane the place is truly winding me up and I can’t handle it anymore. Anyways since being home I have had some food watched some YouTube, took my creatine and made a protein shake. Ok speak to you later, bye journal!

[aggielandsupplementsus]

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[sturnsdc]

Carl

pair: Carl Grimes x fem!YN Dixon

synopsis: when things start to go wrong and Sophia ends up lost, the group splits up. However, things don't go as planned, and now Yn must face her memories.

warnings: angst, typical TWD scenes, violence, comfort, fluff, abusive father is mentioned, mentions of religion (yn is not a believer but explains why), dislike towards Andrea, mentioned seizures, fools in love.

era: (S2)

words: 7,3k

A/N: this one shot 's part of a series called "feel special" !!

'm sorry if u see some grammatical mistakes!! ♡♡

dividers from: @cafekitsune ! ♡

main masterlist carl masterlist

YN'S POV

we lost the camp, we lost people. Hell... we even nearly died twice after that. Once because of a human, and once because of a horde that surprised us on the highway. And because of that horde we lost Sophia, and now we're all trying to find her.

i feel nauseous just thinking about the possibilities. In these months i became really close to Sophia, and i know how quickly she panics, i know how much she freezes when things go wrong... and away from her mother? i really wanna think that we'll find her and that she'll be okay, but the odds are not on our side.

we've been looking for her for over a day at this point. We even went to a church when we heard a bell, thinking she would be there, but instead we only found more death.

Daryl, Rick and Shane took out the walkers inside, as there were only three of them. Then we all entered, checking every corner although it was obvious that Sophia wasn't there.

near me was a figure of a crucified Christ, so i approached it, feeling a little insecure about what i was about to do.

i've never really been a believer. I know Daryl tried to believe for a while, but it's hard when life is constantly putting you in shitty situations. I prayed to God every time i received beatings from my old man. I begged him when things at home were going to hell. But none of those times did i feel like something was rescuing me, like something was helping us, so eventually i stopped begging, i stopped waiting for God to help me, and i started standing up for myself.

but now… now i need some of that hope, i need to believe that she'll be okay. I need to believe.

“hey JC” i said “ya takin requests?” i immediately felt stupid, 'what am i doin?' i asked myself, sighing. I soon decided to get away from there, meeting Carl.

“hey,” i greeted him, leaning against a wall outside the church, with Carl standing in front of me.

“hey” he tried to smile, but a grimace came out instead. After that he just sighed, shaking his head. “Sorry, i'm tense, i wanna believe she's fine but…”

“ 's hard, the odds don' tend to be on our side” he nodded “i wanna believe that we're goin' to find her, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but we're goin' to find her” i tried to say firmly, and it seemed to work, because this time he did smile a little.

“i'm going in, are you coming with me?” he asked me, but i shook my head.

“nah, 's not my place. I don' like churches” i confessed, noticing the curiosity on his face.

"can i know why?" i was going to answer, but he seemed to get nervous by the way he expressed himself, as his eyes widened and his face turned red “i mean… if you want, you don't have to do it if you don't want to or if it makes you uncomfortable. I didn't want it to sound rude."

“ 's okay, Carl.” i laughed a little. “i always felt that these types of places lend themselves to creatin' false hope, and sometimes attractin' some people who are lookin' fer an excuse to reject others. Don' know. But i understand if ya believe, i mean, it's good sometimes to have hope... it's just that i lost it a while ago."

“i used to go to church with my parents when everything was fine and they didn't fight, but when all this... happened, i felt like praying wasn't enough, i felt like praying wouldn't save me if a walker tried to eat my mom, i felt like praying wouldn't bring my dad back… but well, maybe that last one did happen” i saw him scratch the back of his neck “i wanna go in to try one last time, to give it that chance. I'll be back soon” i nodded, watching him enter as well as Rick.

“you're close to him.” Daryl appeared from the side, cleaning his knife. “Should i be worried?”

“shut up” i smiled, seeing he was leaning against the wall, right next to me, so i took advantage and put my head on his shoulder. We were silent for a moment, enjoying that opportunity to have a little calm before resuming the search.

“ya think we're goin' to find her?” i asked in a lower tone, almost whispering.

"hope so. I'm not goin' to stop looking fer her” he responded, looking directly at his knife, remaining silent for a few seconds “she's just a girl, she shouldn't be out here, alone. I'd die if that were ya, and yeah i know ya know how to defend yerself but… you're still a kid fer me, ya know what i mean?” i nodded, feeling sad about this whole situation.

“she's a good person, Carol too” i said, still in a low tone “they deserve to be in this together, not like this… 's not fuckin' fair” i said.

“i know, i'll try to brin' her back.”

we were silent again, and i know we were both thinking the same thing.

'let's find Sophia'

we're separating, and i don't like that, it scares me.

after church, Rick and Shane wanted to stay and explore a little longer, while we were told to go as planned. But Carl didn't want to leave either, and he offered to go with them.

it scares me to think about his safety. I don't trust Shane one bit, and i really wanna believe that Rick would do anything to protect his son, but he's still not my favorite person to protect others, and even though i trust him more than Shane, i'd rather this wasn't happening.

it doesn't help that Andrea has been giving Lori dirty looks since we left. We all know why she does it. Dale took the gun she was carrying, since apparently he doesn't trust her at all, or some shit like that. It was a hard blow for her, so the fact that Daryl gave Lori a gun without a second thought and as if it weren't important made her angry.

i try to understand her anyway, but she doesn't work with my patience, and i can see on Lori's face that it doesn't make her happy either.

“so this is it?” Carol said suddenly, stopping to sit on a log on the ground. “it's the whole plan?”

“i guess the plan 's to divide us into smaller and smaller groups,” my brother answered, stopping like everyone else to lean against a tree.

“carrying knives and pointed sticks,” Andrea said in an accusatory tone, looking directly at Lori. “i see you have a gun.”

"what? you want it?” she told her sharply, and i turned to look at Daryl for a moment with an almost proud expression on my face. “there, take it.” she held out the gun. “i'm sick of the looks you're giving me.” i almost laughed, watching Andrea open her eyes wide, and reach for the gun as if she couldn't believe what Lori just told her.

“well, most of you,” Lori murmured, sitting next to Carol on the log and turning to look at her. “honey, i can't imagine what you're going through, and i'd do anything to stop it… but you've gotta stop blaming Rick. It is in your face every time you look at him. When Sophia ran, he didn't hesitate, did he? Not for a second. I don't know if any of us would have gone after her the way he did. Or made the hard decisions that he had to made. Or if any body could have done it any differently” she said, trying to be as respectful as possible while looking at Carol “any body?” she asked, now looking at all of us, but no one spoke “y'all look at him and blame him for not being perfect, if you think you can do this without him, go right ahead!, nobody is stopping you” she snapped, taking out her water bottle and taking a sip.

Andrea silently approached Lori, handing her the gun again. “we should keep moving” was all she said.

and that's what we did, but when i had the chance i approached Lori, smiling at her and shaking my head in approval. She messed up my hair, smiling a little too, but with a tired face.

we continued walking for a few minutes, until a gunshot sound made us all stop. With fear i looked at Daryl, then looked at Lori.

“what the fuck was that?” i tried to walk in the direction of the sound. They're there, i'm sure, but Lori's hand on my arm stopped me from walking any further.

“probably nothing,” Andrea said, returning to the path, making everyone do the same, except Lori and me.

“Lori…” i shook my head.

'something 's wrong'.

“come on, let's keep moving” she said, putting her arm on my shoulders and walking next to me.

however, even though we tried to ignore it, we both kept looking back from time to time, trying to see if anything could tell us what had happened, but there was nothing, just that single gunshot.

Andrea soon noticed this, so she stopped.

“you still worrying about it?” her question made everyone slow down, and i could only stare at her. I was going to answer her, but Lori stepped forward, probably sensing my dislike for the blonde.

“it was a gunshot,” she said in response.

“we all heard it,” Daryl answered, so i narrowed my eyes, giving him a dirty look.

“why one? why just one gunshot?” Lori asked.

“maybe they took down a walker” my brother answered simply.

“don't..." she sighed "Rick wouldn't risk a gunshot to put down one walker, or Shane, they'd do it quietly.”

“shouldn't they have caught up with us by now?” Carol asked this time looking at Daryl.

“there's nothin' we can do about it anyway,” he replied. I snorted, still looking at him. “we can't run on this woods chasing echoes.”

"so what do we do?" i spoke this time.

“same as we've been, beat the bush for Sophia, and work a way back to the highway,” he replied, without looking at me.

“they'll surely find us back in the RV,” Andrea said, looking at me this time. I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, but i didn't answer her.

we ended the conversation and most of us walked again, me still being hugged by Lori. However, Carol and Andrea didn't move forward, and it was until we heard them talking that we stopped again and turned to see them.

“i'm sorry for what you're going through, i know how you feel,” Andrea said.

“i guess you do… thank you,” Carol replied, then turned to look at us all. “the thought of her out here by herself… it's the not knowing that's killing me… i just keep hoping and praying that she doesn't end up like Amy” Andrea's expression hardened, clearly affected by the words, and then Carol realized it too and quickly spoke “oh God, that's the worst thing i've ever said.”

“we're all hoping and praying with you... for what is worth it” was what Andrea answered.

“i'll tell you what it's worth,” Daryl interrupted, approaching them. “not a damn thing, it's a waste of time all this hoping and praying. We're just gonna locate that little girl and she's gonna be just fine” he snapped. “am i the only one zen around here? Good lord” he finished saying, turning around to return to the path.

Lori and i turned to see each other, both trying to suppress a smile at my brother's words. He just… sounded so grumpy, even sassy. But we all know he's trying to find her, and that what he said actually makes sense.

now it's been a while since that, and we have searched non-stop for Sophia again, but there is no trace, no clue, she was nowhere to be found, so we suggested stopping for today, since it was starting to darken the sky, which meant the slow arrival of night.

we were going to go back to Dale and T-Dog, who were left on the highway. But it was then that Andrea, who was walking at the side of the group, far away, ran into a walker who was behind a tree. This surprised her, and he quickly tried to attack her. We could only hear her screams, so we ran to try to help her. We saw her, screaming and trying to kick him, but it clearly wasn't enough. However, before he could reach her, a woman on horse appeared, hitting the walker's head with a bat.

“Lori? Lori Grimes?” the stranger asked, looking at Andrea.

it was then that we managed to reach them.

“i'm Lori.”

“Rick sent me, you gotta come now,” the woman told her, agitated.

"what?" Lori asked, incredulous.

“there has been an accident, Carl has been shot. He's still alive, but you gotta come now” the woman said.

‘Carl…’

'it can't be true, he has to be fine'

'was that the shot? was it him all this time?'

'he can't…he can't die, no, not him'

'i have to see him, he has to be okay'

'i trusted he would be safe with them, i trusted they would protect him'

'Carl can't die'

i feel panic overcome me, so much so that i can't even understand what is happening, i can't hear anything. Carl is all i can think about.

'he…he has to be okay'

i snap out of my thoughts when i see Lori riding the horse with the unknown woman. Riding away. But i don't even have the strength to try to say anything about it.

'i wanna go with them, i need to see it'

but it was too late, because they had already left.

i feel Daryl's gaze on me, but i can only look at where they went, and then at the backpack that Lori was carrying. I picked it up, putting it on so i could carry it.

we continue walking in silence, but all i can think about is how to get there.

'i can track them. Maybe i'm not as good as Daryl, but the horse surely left his tracks until he got to the place. That can work'

'it has to work'.

Carol refuses to go to the farm where Carl is, and i can understand her, but that also means that most of them are going to stay too, and now i have to convince my brother to let me go there with Glenn and T-Dog .

'fucking incredible'

'i think it would be easier to escape, but i'll try.'

“the cut on his arm went from bad to worse and now he has a very serious blood infection,” Dale explained to the others.

'didn't they look through our things? i mean, that sucks, but even if they'd just asked us they'd know we have Merle's arsenal with us.'

apparently Daryl thought the same, as we looked at each other with the same confused expression, and he quickly went to our things, pulling out the bag.

“...because if not, T-Dog will die and it's not a joke” Dale finished saying, watching as Daryl went to look for the pills.

“why didn't ya say somethin' before?” i asked, watching Daryl leave the bag on a car, checking the inside to see what they could use.

“X…no, don't need that” i heard him mutter, still searching.

“look for the painkillers” when i said it he found them, throwing them at Glenn “and the doxycycline” this time he threw it at Dale.

“and 's not generic stuff neither, 's first class,” Daryl told them, seeing their confused faces.

“Merle got the clap... on a occasion” i explained, watching as Daryl walked away again until he reached our things “you're welcome” i told them, going after him.

“hey… uhm, i need to talk to ya” i said in a low tone, getting his attention.

"what?" he looked at me.

“i wanna go with Glenn and T-Dog…”

“nah” he interrupted me “you're not goin'.”

“come on, Dar. He's my best friend, i need to be there. I need to see with my own eyes that he's safe” i told him, but he shook his head.

“we don' know wha' kind of crazy people are in tha' place, and i won' leave ya alone in their care.” he said again, firmly.

“please, ya know i can defend myself, ya know i know how to use my knife better than many in this group” i complained.

“i don' care, you're not goin'.”

“Daryl please, you and Carl are the only good thing i have left. I don' wanna lose him too. I need to know that he's safe, tha' they're protectin' him” i confessed “i trusted that he would be safe with 'hem and now he's between life and death. Please, i have to go” the desperation in my voice was noticeable “i'm fuckin' askin' , and ya know that if you don' give me permission i'll find a way to go. But i respect ya and that's why i'm tryin' to ask first.”

i saw him consider the idea. He was silent for a moment, but then he sighed and pulled a knife from Merle's things.

“hidden near the ankle, so that no one sees it. If somethin' happens, if ya lose yer knife, if ya feel like it's not enough. Whatever. Whatever ya feel, ya take it out” he said, handing me the knife. i nodded, secretly putting it as he ordered, covering it with my pants and boots.

“don' trust, don' turn yer back on 'hem…” he started to say.

“i protect my vital points and stay alert, i know” i saw him nod.

“they're goin' to trust, so ya'll have to take care of 'hem, ya know tha', right?” he asked me, to which i nodded this time.

“i know, but i always do that' anyway” i joked, seeing him scoff and smile a little.

we've been in the truck for a while. None of the three speak, and while the two of them are in the front seat, i'm lying on the back seats, with my feet resting on a window and looking at the roof of the vehicle.

“ya think he'll be okay?” i asked suddenly, seeing how they were startled by my voice.

“i thought you were sleeping,” Glenn murmured, a little agitated, but without taking his eyes off the road. “i wanna believe that he is. He's a strong boy.” T-Dog nodded, looking out the window. There was a moment of silence until i spoke again.

“ya trust Rick?” i asked this time, and saw that they both looked at each other out of the corner of their eyes.

"you don't?" Glenn asked me, but when i was about to answer the truck stopped, and our destination was shown in front of us. The mysterious woman's farm.

“answer fer another time, i guess” i muttered and they both nodded. At the same time the three of us got out of the truck, Glenn with his shotgun in hand, T-Dog looking like a dead man, and me with one hand on my knife, ready to pull it out if necessary.

“so... do we... ring the bell? it looks like people live here” Glenn said, looking at the door of the house in front of us with some nervousness.

“we've passed all that kind of stuff, haven't we?” T-Dog said, walking up the front steps with the two of us behind him.

“you close the gate of the road when you drove in?” a voice asked us, scaring the three of us. My eyes widened, but i soon noticed that the voice was coming from a corner in the entrance, it was dark enough that we wouldn't notice anyone was there.

“uh… hi,” Glenn said, looking in the same direction as me. “yes, we closed it, locked it and everything.” it was then that we could see it. It was the mystery woman. “Hi, nice to see you again, we… uh, we met before.” i looked at Glenn when he said that and raised an eyebrow, noticing his nervousness about the girl.

“we came to help,” T-Dog said this time. “is there anything we can do?” he then whimpered in pain, at the same time that the woman began to approach us “it's not a bite” he explained when he noticed the look on his injured arm “i uh, i cut myself pretty bad.”

“we have a doc inside, i'll tell him you're here” she told him in response.

“we have uh... some painkillers and antibiotics,” Glenn informed, showing them to her “i already gave him some. But in case Carl needs…”

“come on inside, i'll make you something to eat.” she opened the door for us, letting us enter her house.

“can we see Carl?” i asked as we entered, catching the three's attention.

“yes, of course, but try not to make too much noise. We're waiting for them to arrive with all the stuff so we can remove the bullet parts that remain inside and control the internal bleeding. We don’t need him to wake up if not on his own, okay?” she answered me calmly, and i nodded quickly.

she led us to the room, and when we entered i had to cover my mouth as a sob almost escaped me. So Glenn put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently. When i looked at him he smiled slightly, and then decided to speak towards the adults inside the room.

“hi” he said in a low tone, but drawing their attention. When Lori looked at me i could see that her eyes were filled with tears and she stood up quickly, but trying not to make a sound. We both approached and gave each other a big hug, letting our emotions flow at that moment.

i didn't even know i needed it, but when she hugged me i couldn't help it and let the tears come. Gosh, i didn't even cry like this when Sophia got lost, or when we almost died the previous times, but seeing Carl like this... i feel like it was the last straw.

by the time we separated, Lori made me sit in the chair she was in before, putting one hand on my shoulder and the other on Rick's shoulder, standing behind us. Glenn and T-Dog let them know that they're here if they need anything and then left with the woman.

an older man with white hair was sitting on the same bed where they had Carl, and it was then that he lowered the sheet that covered him, revealing the bloody bandage on the wound and his swollen abdomen, almost purple from the bleeding that the woman mentioned.

“if they don't get back soon, we're gonna have a decision to make” the man spoke.

“and that is?” Rick asked him in a low tone.

“whether we operate the boy without the respirator”

“you said that wouldn't work,” Lori interrupted.

“i know, it's extremely unlikely, but we can't wait much longer.” the man's words made Lori and Rick leave the room for a moment, but i decided to stay there, giving them their space to talk about this.

there was a moment of silence, in which i could only look at him. He's so pale, but his face looks so calm right now. I wish he looked this calm all the time, but i'm also not happy about why he looks like that.

“he's your friend?” the man asked me, looking at me this time. I nodded, quickly wiping away my tears as i was with one of them. “My name is Hershel, and the one you just met is my daughter Maggie.” he introduced himself.

“ 'm Yn, Yn Dixon.” i introduced myself in the same way, and he nodded silently.

“you two knew each other before all... this?”

“nah, we met at a camp tha' we initially formed a couple of months ago, but he was one of the few kids who talked to me and he became my bes' friend.” my voice shook at the end, so i decided not to talk anymore, and he seemed to understand it.

i don't know how much time has passed, but i couldn't stop looking at Carl. Neither Rick nor Lori have returned, so it's just Hershel and i staring at him.

i don't even care anymore about how weird it is to watch someone sleep. It terrifies me to think that if i stop doing it... somehow he'll disappear, he'll go away.

for a moment i thought i was hallucinating, but i soon realized that i wasn't. From one second to the next Carl opened his eyes and started coughing, trying to look everywhere.

“Carl,” i whispered, opening my eyes wide and approaching his bed. At that moment Rick and Lori entered quickly, approaching in the same way.

"where we are?" he asked us, clearly scared as he didn't recognize the room.

“hey, little man,” Rick said, in such a delicate tone that i didn't even know he could do “this is Hershel.” he looked at the man, who was also near the bed. “we're in his house.”

Lori looked at me, smiling, and i looked at her the same way, excited.

“you had an accident,” Rick explained.

“it hurts... a lot,” he complained, shifting uncomfortably on the bed.

“i know, baby, i know” Lori caressed his arm, trying to comfort him.

it was then that he looked at me, and smiled a little. “you should have seen it,” he said.

“what, Carl?” i asked him, with the softest and calmest voice i can make.

“a deer, it was so pretty” he smiled a little more, with difficulty “It was so close, i've never been…” then he stopped talking, and seemed to fall into a kind of trance. My smile, which i hadn't even noticed, soon faded and i looked at Lori. She had the same anguished face.

his body suddenly began to convulse, so Hershel turned him on his side. I quickly hugged Lori, scared, and felt Rick hug us both.

“if you hold him down you could hurt him” he explained to us “he has to just go through this”

i sobbed as i saw the way his body moved so violently. His eyes seemed empty, so different from just now. When he spoke about the deer his eyes shone, he seemed full of life. But as his body shook, i caught a glimpse of him, and his eyes were dark, distant, as if it weren't him.

i want to stop it, i want this to end. Even the bed makes a loud noise from the sudden movements, but no one can do anything to stop it. We can only hope he survives this.

'please please'

i hid my face in Lori's body, unable to continue watching the scene. When he stopped, we all walked over to see his unconscious body, now with his eyes closed. With fear i watched as Hershel opened his eyes to check him out.

“his brain isn't getting enough blood, the pressure has dropped and he needs another transfusion.”

'shit, Daryl 's the one with the universal blood'

Rick offered to give him more blood, even though Hershel warned him what could happen to him if he did. So now, as he did so, he told us about the deer Carl had mentioned.

'he's...so pure, i really hope i can keep that about him if he survives.'

'he's going to survive,' i corrected myself, squeezing my eyes briefly as they burned from how much i had been crying since i arrived.

after that, the four of us spent a while in silence, just looking at Carl.

the moments that we managed to live in the midst of all this pass through my head. Like when Carl would come into my tent and tell me about his comics to help me sleep. Or when we walked through the forest while no one noticed, climbing some trees and talking about everything when we got tired of walking.

i even remembered the constellations, because on nights when comics didn't help me, he would open the tent a little so we could see the stars, and he would teach me everything he knew about them.

i also remembered the flowers, because he listened to me carefully when i told him the meaning of each flower, and the story that was told for each one. And then when he saw flowers somewhere, he would pick up the ones that he now knew well thanks to me, and he would bring them to me in his hands, smiling because he knew that i would like them, and that i would understand the silent message he was giving me with them.

Hershel's voice brought me out of my thoughts, only to bring me back to reality.

“he keeps losing blood faster than we can replace it, and with this swelling in his abdomen we can't wait any longer, or we're going to lose him,” he informed us, making the three of us tense. “i need to know right now if you want me to do this, because i think your boy is out of time” we all stayed silent, Rick and Lori were now standing, looking at Hershel, but i was still sitting, looking at Carl. “You have to make a choice”

"a choice?" Lori asked with an aggressive tone.

“a choice,” Rick responded, and this time i did look at them. Rick looked at Lori intently. “you have to tell me what it is.”

she caressed his cheek, and although she seemed doubtful, she responded firmly, “we do it.”

so we quickly helped Hershel and his family lift Carl onto a makeshift stretcher. The man looked at us before touching him, and told us that it was best for us to get out of there. Before we answered, however, we heard the sound of a truck, and when Rick looked out the window to look, he seemed suddenly relieved.

we all ran to the entrance, except for a woman named Patricia, who Lori told me a while ago, is the wife of the man who shot Carl, Otis. Shane, who had gone with the man to get things for Carl's surgery, got out of the truck. He seemed injured, agitated, and quickly handed the things to Hershel.

he briefly told us that Otis had sacrificed himself so that he could get to the farm and bring the things to save Carl. I honestly don't believe a word that comes out of Shane, but right now that's not a priority for me, so i just walked into the house, sitting near the room in the hope that this will end soon.

the surgery had been successful, but Carl was still unconscious, having a few moments of lucidity before closing his eyes again. That's why the next day Lori recommended that i go out a little, get some air and try to change my mood, since i didn't sleep all night, and i stayed next to Carl, afraid that something could happen to him again.

it was hard for me to leave the room, and when i did some people turned to look at me, giving me small smiles that i couldn't return. When i left the house i walked around the place. I heard that Glenn and Maggie were out, and that my brother was looking for Sophia, but i don't know if they're back, i just know that Andrea, Shane, and Carol are back, so i decided to walk to the RV.

inside i found a very different image from the previous days. Carol cleaned and organized the interior, making it look much more decent and nice.

“looks nice,” i said, seeing her sitting in the back.

“thank you… i wanted to clean it for her” she answered, smiling a little.

“ 'm sure she'll think 's cool when she gets back.” i leaned against a wall.

we were silent for a few seconds, until Carol sighed and changed her expression to a more worried one.

“how's Carl?” she asked me and i quickly tensed up.

“out of danger, Hershel even says that his fever went down, but he has few conscious moments, and tha' makes me a little desperate” i confessed, sighing afterwards “Lori convinced me to go out today. I haven't even slept. I can't, 'm terrified to think about what might happen if i get distracted, and even though i try to spend time out here, all i can think about is the probabilities.” she nodded, understanding.

“why don't you make him a card? like the ones people used to do before this” she suggested “you can keep thinking about him, but without necessarily being in that room, and it's a nice gift.”

's a good idea'

wait.

'i don' know how to write somethin to him'

i started cursing myself for giving up on classes. If i hadn't been so stupid maybe i could have written him a thousand cards.

i noticed that i hadn't responded to Carol yet, so i nodded, hoping it wouldn't show the way my mood went to shit from one second to the next.

“thanks Carol, i think i'll do tha' ” i said, but when i was about to turn around to leave, i saw that on the side there was a beer bottle with a cherokee rose on it. I knew immediately that Daryl had brought it, “i guess he told ya the story” i touched the flower for a moment as i heard Carol say yes “it probably bloomed because of her” i said in a low tone, but i know she heard me “i'll go to the house"

and that's what i did, going to look for my backpack to take out some blank papers and a pencil that almost had no ink. Then i sat in the dining room, with the pencil in my hand.

'what should i write?'

'how do i write “i hope ya get well soon, Carl, love ya”?'

'is that even what i should write, or should it be something longer?'

'what if he expects something more elaborate?'

'what if he doesn't understand what i write?'

i tried to write the phrase that occurred to me, resulting in an ugly text, with unintelligible letters that is supposed to say “i hope ya recover soon, Carl, love ya” but instead it says “i jope ya recover sun, Carl, lov ya”.

's that how you spell recover? or soon? s this how you spell his name?'

a fairly common feeling for me began to appear, making me feel uncomfortable. It was frustration, like every time i try to do this.

'm sick of this shit, why is it so fucking complicated?'

i crumpled the paper in my hands, setting it aside. So i took another one and tried again. This time i tried adding a heart at the end, but it looks like a fucking balloon instead.

i took out another sheet and tried again, but i feel like every time i try it comes out worse and worse.

'm useless, why 's this so fuckin' hard?'

'everyone can do it, why can't i?'

'this 's horrible, it looks like shit'

feelings of worthlessness, frustration, guilt, anger, and sadness began to quickly fill my heart and mind.

"you're stupid! ya don't even know how to do the minimum! this way ya will end up being a whore just like yer damn mother!” i remembered my father's screams. I remember how he shook me, taking advantage of the fact that Daryl wasn't at home and Merle was... just lost. Dad wasn't supposed to be here either, but he returned much earlier than expected, and found a note from school warning of my lack of skills and my bad behavior: “ 'm not raising ya so that ya end up being jus' another prostitute! ya should be grateful to have shelter, food and education!” every sentence was now accompanied by a slap. Tears came out of my eyes without me being able to stop them, and in my head i prayed that Daryl would arrive at some point.

but that wasn't happening, and apparently my mouth started working faster than my brain. “raising me!? all ya do is fuckin' complain and hit us! hell, even Merle has been more of a man and more of a father than ya!” i remember that when i realized what i said my eyes opened wide and i gasped, bringing my hand directly to my mouth.

after that i remember the beating, and Daryl's panicked face when he came home and found me lying on the kitchen floor, blood coming out of my mouth and my body covered in deep wounds and new bruises.

all because i'm useless.

then a noise brought me out of my memories, Rick was sitting in a chair, near me.

"what are you doing?" he asked me in an almost sweet tone, looking at the crumpled sheets on one side of the table and the still blank sheets on the other side.

“i… i was tryin' to write a card to Carl” i said, feeling a little exposed and embarrassed “Carol suggested it” i tried to explain, but i felt my face turn red as Rick started to smile.

“i think he'll like that, a lot,” he said, but i just grimaced, looking at the crumpled sheets.

“i don' think so,” i whispered.

"why not?" he frowned.

“i can'… i can' write somethin' to him because i don'…” i cleared my throat, feeling too exposed with my confession, however, he seemed to understand, and instead of looking at me with contempt or strangeness, he smiled again.

“i can help you if you want. It's never too late to learn, not even in the midst of all this” he offered, and i looked at him with doubt.

'does he really mean it?'

i think my look was pretty obvious, because he let out a small laugh, moving his chair closer.

“i swear, i can help you with that if you want,” he told me firmly, and for a moment, even if it was brief, i felt that hope grow in me again.

“ 'm not an easy student, Rick,” i warned him, but the smile on his face didn't fade.

“i didn't expect you to be, little Dixon.”

it was long hours of practicing and practicing with Rick.

Daryl entered the house, looking for me after not finding me anywhere else. When he found me he opened his eyes wide, and i can swear that for a moment i saw something sparkle in them.

"what are ya...?" he asked, clearing his throat when he noticed that his voice sounded somewhat…excited.

i can't judge him, since we both know the problems that not knowing how to read or write brought me. We both know about the beatings, the teasing, the insults and even the nightmares.

“Rick helped me make Carl a card, look!” in days i didn't smile the way i do now.

one sheet, now folded in half, was filled with small drawings on the cover, and on the inside, in a much less horrible and now understandable handwriting, it said: “Hope ya get well soon, Carl! love ya so much, and i miss hanging out with ya. - Yn” with more drawings around it.

with so much practice my pencil had worn out, so Rick lent me some of Carl's pencils that were in Lori's backpack. Now the card has color, and it looks much prettier than i had imagined.

my eyes shine and a huge smile decorates my face. Daryl smiled when he saw the card, and hugged me tightly when he saw how happy i am.

“thank you” he said to Rick, still hugging me.

“no problem” i heard him say “i'll go throw away the papers we used and then i'll go see Carl. Good night” he said.

“thank ya Rick, really.” i looked at him from Daryl's arms and he just nodded, smiling and then doing what he told us.

Daryl and i continued hugging for a few minutes, both with mixed emotions, but the most predominant one being joy.

“ 'm proud of ya, girl,” he said suddenly, and those words seemed to heal a part of me. “i know 's been hard, and it took a while fer ya to do this, but ya did, and i knew ya would.” i feel his voice tremble. I know he wants to cry just like i do, so i hug him tighter.

“thank you, Dar” i whispered, holding back tears for a moment “thank you fer not giving up on me… like him” then i sobbed, feeling his body shake, a sign that he was crying too, even if just a little.

a few days later, Carl 's now more stable, and can spend hours conscious, so i feel it's time to give him the card.

“hey,” i greeted him, seeing him sitting on the bed reading a comic.

he quickly looks at me when he hears my voice, putting aside what he was reading and moving to the side to make a space for me on the bed so i could sit, and that's what i did, leaning on the backrest next to him.

“hey” he greeted me this time, smiling “i was starting to miss you here” he joked, to which i smiled, gently hitting his arm.

"i brought ya somethin' " i saw the curiosity on his face, so i took the letter out of my jacket pocket and cleared my throat, blushing at his intense gaze. "while ya were unconscious i received some help and i uhm... made ya a card." i extended it to him, and he grabbed it, still looking at me carefully.

“thank you,” he said, and then he looked at it. His eyes shine, and he doesn't stop smiling, even when he opens it and sees what i had written. In fact his face seemed to light up even more, and soon he's hugging me, being careful not to crumple my gift. “i love it, i'll always have it with me, i swear.” he said, to which i smiled, feeling relieved to know that he liked it.

“ 'm glad ya liked it” because of the movement, the hat that his dad had recently given him fell off, so i picked it up and put it back on his head.

“i loved it” he corrected me “you always do beautiful things for me, you make me feel special, you know?” he confessed, and his cheeks turned a little red.

“ya make me feel special too, Carl,” i said, looking him in the eyes. “you're special to me, and i felt like i was dyin' when ya were here, unconscious. I thought i was goin' to lose ya too and it was… it was so scary. It was a nightmare"

“but here i am now, and i'm fine,” he assured me, taking one of my hands and intertwining our fingers. “i'm fine, and with you i feel better”

behind the door, three adults were about to come in to look for us, but after hearing part of the conversation they decided to give us a few minutes.

now, no one will take the small smiles off the faces of Lori, Rick and Daryl, who go to the dining room to sit and wait.

[rewiredthethirdblog]

Before eating i was fasting for ages from day before even. Well into afternoon today i yadnt eaten. Andwho. Just sfter 4pm i got dantes meal and Mid meal i took a fish oil tablet and creatine water.

And just now 430pm took a nurofen tsblet a bcomplex, a calcium tablet and 17-19k new vitamin d3. Whats benzoates in it caramel flavour? Anywho on dr k n bergss advice vitamin d toxicity was NOT proven for real so you should go ham. And that recommended daily doseage of less than one iu is deliberately limiting . Oh and i should note as i was eating dsntes chicken n chips meal i had wuite a bit of pepsi max no sugar.

Also Dantes food made me feel pretty g but i know its high cslorie lots of bad deep fry type oils used for the chips and now feel palpitations. But after the d3 they are subsiding quickk

I wsited a lot this morning real depression set in as i didnt have anywhere near as good a day as the day i ssw deadpool i did so many things right that day and it was all planned to and mitigating bad stuff too. So it all workef out. But todsy i had no plans nothing to look forward too either apsrt from getting up n fixing my bikes and organizing it better depression sunk ij quick after that.

And to make it worse today as if it wasnt bad me being in fasted state and not taking meds today.. mother was so damn annoying over the phone for no aparent reason shes trying something or its in her head something but shes mental too so she needs a lil break too ig. It manifests in her being hyper annoying in person and over the phone so that phone call ehich forced me to make several phonecalls back to clear my sinuses and esp the mind etc to restore balance etc is why i also held back from taking my nessecary meds today. Yup mother held me back. Shes no longer good at mothering. Shes more of a burden now wether she knows it or not lol also slight migrsine. Very sharp but very annoying unlike other migraines i think i only had this type.of migraine for one day during the week also... Also super positive but checked myself out in mirror with black sweats hoodie and uggs. Holy fuck i look so slim in this outfit like i forget being fasted means no stomach bloat. but also i dont feel lightweight im heavy on scalebut the fat isnt showing it. Strong bones or dense muscles? Hmm both? My genes of being a survior and always yesrround thinking of surviving instead of living means yes lol

[animatedaf]

Another 12 months of animatin', illustratin' and video creatin' in the can! This was another pretty stacked year for freelance work and building up my YouTube channel. Read on for more details on each month!

January:

The year kicked off with the release of What a Waste, which I animated at the end of last year. I created a poster to celebrate it's launch.

I also had some artwork in print via an article in LeftLion magazine!

I also illustrated my OC Drillbot ReV for the year of the rabbit and put out a new animation showreel.

February:

I did a valentines card for CherryT of the pair of us in Mario & Luigi style. I was also commissioned to do an edit of the van animation I did last year, this time with a car and some other minor tweaks.

March:

At the start of this month I hit over 1000 subscribers on YouTube, only took 17 years! To celebrate I put together a quick video talking about the past, present and future of the channel, using it as a test to see how I could start making more fully-edited, scripted videos using my PNGTuber.

The first of these was an almost hour long video exploring my DVD/Blu-Ray collection.

April:

This was the month that I really pushed to get a load different videos out on my channel, with full illustrated thumbnails for each! This mostly consisted of a six-part let's play of the Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog, cut down from an April fools day livestream.

I also did an impressions video about the Super Mario Bros movie and a scripted video about Easter eggs I snuck into my animations, just in time for Easter! I also made a speedpaint video for one of the video thumbnails and made a new logo for the speedpaint videos.

There was also a birthday card illustration for CherryT inspired by the Mario movie!

May:

May was a pretty quiet month, mainly consisting of two illustrations: a quick one of an OC for mermay and a piece of fan art of vTuber Asha the Game Genie. Both of these were captured off-stream and turned into speedpaint videos.

I also made a supercut of a Netherlands travel vlog from 2018 with a bunch of additional footage that I never got around to editing before, in time for the 5th anniversary of our friends wedding that we attended that year!

June:

My first big freelance project finally arrived between May and June, an informational film about Credit Unions, done in a similar style to several films I did last year, but with more colour in the mix.

I also did a couple of livestreams this month, namely a reaction stream to a Nintendo Direct and a Sonic anniversary stream, a part of which was edited into a video of me drawing obscure Sonic characters from memory.

July:

With that freelance project done and dusted I dedicated most of this month to some personal animating stuff: mainly giving my PNGTuber a fresh coat of paint by improving all the animations with more frames. I made a scripted video about the process.

I also made big progress on a re-animated collab shot that I finally finished in November.

August:

Browsing my pages you'd think I did absolutely nothing this month, but I was in fact deep in researching for a video series I plan to make for YouTube in the near future when I have more spare time for it. What started as a single short video idea deep-dived into a rabbit hole of fascinating stuff that I can't wait to share with you all!

I also started animating an intro for this video series, which is currently sitting in sketch form and will be returned to next year when I can!

September:

My YouTube planning had to be stuck on hold as another big freelance project landed on my lap: an informational film about community lenders. There is some pretty fun scenes in this, and yet another loan shark character! This took up all of September and was released at the end of October.

October:

Just as I wrapped up the previous project another even bigger one was being cooked up: a sequel to What a Waste! Once the filming of the puppetry and the recording of the voice talent was ready I could get to work on once again animating faces for the returning apple character and the five new characters!

What a Waste was a pretty experimental film but this time around I had a working system in place to jump straight in and assumed I would be able to get this one done in less time. I technically did get it done in less time because the deadline for it was much tighter, but it was a crunch to do so, consisting in total of over 2000 assets!

In the short space between these projects I illustrated Rouge the Bat based on a Twitter trend.

November:

November was mostly taken up by wrapping up production on Apple-y Ever After. In total it took about five weeks, about a week longer than I planned, not helped by me choking on a slice of potato that rendered shallowing anything difficult for weeks! It was a good thing CherryT was around at the time to perform a Heimlich maneuver on me! Absolute life saver!

A teaser trailer was released mid way through the month.

Once that was done with I went back and finally finished this shot for the Wario Ware GOLD re-Animated collab that I had been chipping away at on-and-off for around three years! It's done pretty nicely on both Newgrounds and YouTube. The full collab should be out sometime next year! Speaking of which, I have another shot reserved that I need to crack on with when I'm less busy with freelance work!

December:

I've started another big animation project that will run until the end of January and hopefully be released in Feb. This was the third project in a row with hardly a break in between and that, on top of the film work, left me feeling pretty burnt out, hence this quick doodle.

Digital Eclipse summed up the birthday cake CherryT made for me best!

I spent the spare time I had at the start of the month to make a video about the latest birthday cake CherryT made me. I also took this opportunity to edit remasters of previous cake videos, including one that was never finished. Here's the playlist for all six of them.

Apple-y Ever After finally released near Xmas, which meant I could publish this poster I made for it. Next month there will be a making of video published by Deadline and so far the film has been quite the hit, currently sitting at around 40K views!

Finally, I published an old Xmas animation from 2010 on YouTube, but because the original video had copyrighted music baked into the sound effects, I remade the soundtrack from scratch!

Previous years: 2022 - 2021 - 2020 - 2019

2018 - 2017 - 2016

[kontextmaschine]

So the mental effects from this "echo wave" are all gone and only minor peripheral nerve issues, what's left I s is in order to maintain regular power levels I need 15g creatine a day, 36mg (200% RDV) iron gluconate, and to stand up and move around to get blood pumping up to the top of my body, I think blood pressure might've actually been the "long" effect of my third case, back before the 1st even wore off completely – that would line up with the first time I fainted (with the 2nd, at the same goddamn bar, an "echo" from my 4th or 5th case).

Also the apparent increase in testosterone might be downstream of the 1st case brain stuff but if not the testes could've been 4th or 5th.

I don't think the way my blood pressure went up last time I was manic was the same thing though, that coincided with a return of the mental effects of anxiety (which suck), which makes me think maybe the "anxiety zeroing" was a matter of the first brain case cutting off an overactive sympathetic nervous system (and then in mania reactivating?)

Even incorporating all this the pattern holds that the overall tendency is for the "echoes" of previous cases to be fainter when they recur and the new effects to be weaker, so maybe I'll be acclimated after 1-3 more?

Like, the 2nd case where I needed creatine to patch energy deficit (by enabling more fat-burning; as this keeps up I'm appreciably slimming) went from 0 to near-torpor in 10 minutes, the recent iron stuff came on over 3 or 4 days so by the end I was dragging and a little mentally foggy trying to find the vitamin aisle for supplements, but I had time (I had been lucky enough to already have creatine on hand).

And as a reader with medical training explained, if I can absorb iron supplements my body should be able to scavenge blood cells and shortage would only be an issue if I was regularly bleeding out.

No objection! And yet, quite reliably, if I don't take iron I begin to feel a sapping heaviness so specifically in my blood I can locate major vessels in my limbs by the feel, but if I do there's a light relief immediately that proceeds to a full normalization in 3-5 hours. I dunno, man.

[the-firebird69]

He just made a very nice meal with steak tips which are very nice cut it's pretty much like ribeye but regular steak so it's got more nutrients and more creatine instead of tastes really good and we don't need meat we don't like the taste of it anymore but when I was there it was very helpful he really needs it and John reward got it and he's blocking his own son and they got into it he said it's too big already and it started arguing I'm just making myself look big cuz I'm surrounded and start laughing he says you're going to be huge it says I'm probably way half as much as the apartment and he's trying to gaze off in the distance he said it's too huge and it's them and it's true I certainly can't go hang out with bja in this big huge lugs and also so there's that going on but I have something to say you guys are not giving him a break either there's a lot of work going on and a lot of things to do and you got to figure this stuff out and keep it memory you know it's them then you question it then he explains it is causing him a lot of problems and we don't want to hear it anymore inside of you know it's them or you don't and you have to figure it out okay you got to figure out that you can't run around talking about it he doesn't want to be like you but for real he has to he will cuz they want to collect them like they're collecting you and they don't seem to have any luck here they're going to try all sorts of stuff eventually they're thinking of returning them there and say his cohorting with foreigners and it's a horrible plan and it won't do anything is a waste of time in the max are doing it and it's brutal it is brutal it is a grueling walk in the desert like you guys are having and my daddy shows you ever once in a while with her life and he has a gleam in his eye and he likes to do it and he's one of them but he can't join up with them they won't let him but you can see how it's mean and it's guttural he doesn't mean to be but you see that you are getting attacked he doesn't want to put up with it. There are other things to say other things to talk about but it's important that you're trying to remember what they're up to okay. My son says they can barely keep themselves out of prison you're indicted all over the place they don't try too hard to keep me out of prison and it's true the other side of the coin is going to be smirking the max they don't need to be smirked to me. The sun says this and he means it he doesn't need them to be slandered he knows what they are but it's a formula and mechanism that prevents new designs. Is limbo something's have been made but a lot of it was in the past most of it but 90%. He's having an awful time he's saying I don't think that they can do anything different true too. Do you think they're doing an act and stuff still there in California there's no act but really they have a plan to ride them and our son does too and is the plan to ride you guys too but really it's a matter of survival if he has to move out there I wanted to have a place not another nightmare with you two wackos running around him in circles like you did here f and we're going to finish you and your friend Tommy f you two idiots and we're going after the rest of yours your trumpster friends and family we don't have time for this stuff they're going to hurt you down they were going to hurt you down and you just don't have it in you to do things anywhere near what you need to do it's ridiculous you're running around these little girls thinking of doing this ride and you're not

I don't have this conversation again but we did so I feel up to getting rid of them. Right now tons of ships are being pulled out about 50 to 100 miles off the entire southern tip of Florida roughly from Cape Coral South and West Palm South and the whole tip to the islands smaller ships are coming out tons and tons and tons of them there's so many ships coming out that everybody's gone down to grab one it's going to rain and that's what it is but that is a lot of ships I saw come out that's a lot there can't be that many left and I looked at the report and I was stunned it said there's like 15% remaining and I was right but I was shocked because that is a lot of ships that's like 10% that went out today I mean that's like 1500 ships a minute and really they're flying out of there one after another like their pants are on fire and okay I know why and our son is going to post it and daughter will help

Thor Freya

Zues Hera

Olympus

[joshuasearing]

Friday 18th October 2024

Hey journal so today I woke up later than I wanted to meaning I went to work quickly quickly after getting up rather than going to the gym beforehand. I ended up being about 30 minutes late to work as there was traffic near enough all day on this road that I had to take. Apparently loads of people were very late today not just me. It took me around 50 minutes to an hour to get to work today. Today for the most part I was on deliveries. It was ok but was very busy today and was practically non stop. I literally was going so fast for hours on end it was so exhausting. After work today, I vibed to some music and had to take a long route home as one of the roads is having work done for the next few weeks at night time, so you can’t drive down there. Since being home I have got rid of my monobrow, made scrambled egg on toast, also had to fridge raiders, made myself a protein shake and taken creatine. Then I have also got ready for bed and now I am just writing in here. Ok speak to you later, bye journal!