#crazy rich asians parody

[spirit-lanterns]

AUGHHHHH i love ur celeb au so much it’s unreallllll 😫😫 i watched john wick 2 the other day and i was thinking how funny it would be if kafka took sofia’s role… like her dogs could be named silver and blade LMFAOOO

as for topaz, ik u wrote her as being in jurassic park but i can’t stop thinking of topaz being in jurassic world as owen…… TOPAZ ON A BIKE WITH RAPTORS RUNNING NEXT TO HER SLSKDHJDJDKSK (reader is obviously claire in this movie ehe 👀👀👀)

ok before i ramble too much just one last thing, but i feel like yukong’s career trajectory would kinda be the same as michelle yeoh’s, so like she started out in the sort of action/martial arts genre and then branched out into other things. THAT BEING SAID maybe reader and yukong met on the set of crazy rich foxians (parody of crazy rich asians LOL) where reader plays rachel and yukong plays eleanor. in the end, the romance between reader and the male lead gets sooooo overshadowed by the surprisingly intense chemistry between reader and yukong instead…. 👀👀

CRAZY RICH FOXIANS???

Anonnn??? You’re a genius! I want to add that to Celebrity! Yukong’s background now aaaaaaaa 😭Imagine Tingyun is Peik Lin in Crazy Rich Foxians too! Your chemistry with both Yukong and Tingyun are just 100x better than you and the male lead 🤭

Also, Kafka with Silver and Blade as her dogs is genius. This whole thing is genius and I wanna give you a platonic smooch bc this is so creative <3

P.S: Topaz being Owen and Reader being Claire is so… *dreamy sigh*

[lapozuelo-reads]

So I've read 7 books this month, after not being able to read a single book in months that's like AN IMPROVEMENT all mostly thanks to audiobooks. So anyway, here's a summary:

- The Hating Game by Sally Thorne ⭐⭐⭐⭐ one of the best enemies to lovers romances I've read, loved the quirky characters and the Love Interest actually shows regret about being a dick to the MC at the beginning?? Anyways, it was nice and possibly a re read ?

- Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris ⭐⭐⭐ Loooved the narrator in this one, but honestly i thought it was a parody of Twilight until i realized it was published 3 years before. A lot of nonsensical stuff happens but it was really funny (not sure if intentionally) and kinda made me want to continue with the series but I'm not sure.

- Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan ⭐⭐⭐⭐ sooo many extensive descriptions of wealth and decadence. But also very interesting, it made me learn stuff about Singapore and it also made me laugh a lot.

- The Soulmate Equation by Christina Lauren ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ I just... loved like everything about this one? Granted single parent romances are like one of my weaknesses, i just always end up loving the character of the kid so much and this one didn't disappoint. But I also love all the other characters as well and the Love Interest is just so fucking nice

- Heart Bones by Colleen Hoover ⭐⭐⭐½ so I know everyone trashes on CH's books so much but like her books are soooooo easy to listen to? I enjoyed this one it felt like reading a hurt/comfort fanfic. And it made me cry at the end what can i say ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

- Beach Read by Emily Henry ⭐⭐⭐ i feel so weird about rating a CH book above this one because everyone and their mother loves Emily Henry's books so much but it honestly was a chore finishing this book, the MC was so self-centered and annoying half the time i could barely get through it BUT i did love the way EH writes stories so I'm definitely giving her a second chance.

- The Fault in Our Stars by John Green ⭐⭐⭐½ it was fine. I liked the humor and the dialogue between the characters even though the teenagers sound so much older. It even made me cry even though i knew what was going to happen.

[thenotsolittlemisspeculiar]

Mixed-Race, Part 3

[aph-honk-kong]

Passing Seasons

Harald gets a taste of opulence the moment he touches down on Hong Kong. [A continuation of this.] [Written for @aphasiaweek with a focus on Taiwan, Macau and Hong Kong.]

  He probably should’ve noticed the moment they got on the plane.

  Even though Harald and his brother have had the privilege of travelling to a different country once a year since they were young, all of their flights have been spent taking the economy class. But on the flight to Hong Kong, he and Leon were accosted by a smiling flight attendant right at Heathrow Airport and lead to the very front of their plane, where they have their own private suite.

  He’s in said suite now, the divider up between him and his boyfriend while he calls Stellan before takeoff.

  “This flight probably costs more than what I make in a year!” He exclaims. “Leon said the tickets probably got mixed up or something, but in that case it’s the luckiest damn mixup ever. Look at this place!” Harald moves his phone around to display his surroundings. “The seats are so soft I could melt into them.”

  On his phone, Stellan’s eyes widen at the sight of the cabin. “My goodness, I’ve lived in college dorms smaller than that.”

  “I know, right? Leon’s on the other side of this divider, having a pre-flight cocktail. I didn’t even know that was a thing, for fuck’s sake! Imagine getting drunk before you’re even in the air.”

  “Did Leon tell you where the two of you will be staying, by the way?”

  “I think we’re staying in a hotel,” he replies. “He’s been really secretive about this trip, even though it’s so important.”

  Stellan frowns. “Oh, that’s not good. Has he been acting differently lately?”

  “No, not really. But I’m a little nervous, going so far away while knowing so little.”

  “That’s natural. Remember to look out for yourself, especially since you don’t know much about Leon’s family and friends in Hong Kong.”

  The intercom crackles above. “Cabin crew, prepare for takeoff.”

  “Take care.” Stellan’s eyes crinkle as he gives a rare smile. “Call me if anything happens, okay? Even if it’s three in the morning for me I’ll get up to listen.”

  “Thanks, Stell. I have to go now, but I’ll call again when I get to Hong Kong. See you.”

  “Bye.”

  He lowers the divider in the cabin after he’s hung up. “I’m still in shock,” Harald tells Leon. “How on earth did the airline mess up this much to our favour?”

  “We’re just lucky, I guess.” Leon slides him a flute of champagne, eyes already slightly-glazed over. “It’s a good start to our trip. You nervous?”

  “A little,” he admits. “It’ll be my first time to Asia, for one, and I’ll be meeting all your old friends and your family. What if they don’t like me?”

  Leon cups his cheek, smiling tipsily. “They’re all going to love you, I promise.”

  The aircraft rumbles and begins to move. He leans over to nuzzle his neck. “If you say so.”

...

  Thirteen hours later, a very disoriented Harald clings on to Leon’s arm while they stumble through the Hong Kong International Airport. Groups of people are milling around, searching for the washroom, baggage pickup or both. Despite not having been back in years, Leon seems to know his way around perfectly and manages to get the two of them out of the airport without a hitch.

  A neatly-dressed lady is waiting for them outside the airport, standing by a limousine with a pleasant smile. “Welcome to Hong Kong, Mr. Wang and Mr. Grieg,” she greets. “We are here to take you to the Four Seasons Hotel. Would you like us to help you with your luggage?”

  “Wait, wh - “

  “Yes, please.” Leon nods to their cart of suitcases, and a group of workers immediately exit the limousine to pick them up. “Thank you very much.”

  “Leon, what the hell is going on?” He hisses. “Isn’t the Four Seasons one of Hong Kong’s most expensive - “

  “Just relax, babe.” He pecks Harald on the forehead. “I know what I’m doing.”

  He leads him into the limousine and sits him down on the plush velvet seat. Harald stares out the window, as though about to try and escape any moment. “Is this another mixup?”

  “I hope not.” Leon places his hand over his and smiles. “I just wanted you to be able to stay at the best place possible while here.”

  He gapes at the limousine, at the people still carrying their suitcases and stowing them in the trunk. “How much did all this cost?”

  Leon fidgets, suddenly looking down. “Uh...” he mumbles, “thirteen thousand six hundred pounds - “

  “What - “

  “ - per night.”

  “WHAT?” He nearly leaps out of his seat. “We can’t afford this! How long did you save up for the stay? Did you have to sell anything? How deep in debt are we? What the flying, soaring, somersaulting shit - “

  “Harald!” Leon wraps an arm around him. “I promise we’re not bankrupt or anything like that. I just happen to be friends with some people who work at the hotel, and they managed to get us a special discount. Really, you don’t have to worry about it.”

  “You could’ve at least warned me. If I’d known we’d be picked up in a limo, I wouldn’t have boarded the plane looking like a hungover college kid.”

  “I think you look as cute as ever.”

  “Shut up.”

  They begin to drive away from the airport. Harald can’t help perking up to look out the window, staring in awe at the massive white bridge they leave Lantau Island on, then the rolling countryside mingling with the occasional building. 

  They pass schools, shipping ports, shopping malls galore, but the most stunning sight is that of Hong Kong Island. Soaring skyscrapers are a massive contrast to the few colonial buildings left, and everywhere, pedestrians of all kinds mill around. 

  Leon snuggles into him, squashing him against the window. “So what do you think?”

  “It’s beautiful.” They pass a mall that looks like a miniature version of New York’s Times Square. “I’ve never seen anything like this.”

  “Wait ‘til you see our hotel.”

  The limo pulls up in front of the Four Seasons and Harald’s jaw drops. This can’t be their hotel, it just can’t. The representative opens the door for them and leads them into the grand, gleaming building while their luggage is being taken care of. Still in shock, Harald steps into the stunning lobby and looks around. Not even the W Hotel, reputed as one of London’s best hotels, is this extravagant.

  The elevator is transparent, letting them look out onto the busy streets of Wan Chai. He can’t stop pinching himself, for this breathtaking building can’t be where he’s staying.

  The biggest shock comes when they open the door to their suite.

  “What is this?” Harald can’t even bring himself to step inside. The suite looks more like the living apartments of some Western monarch of old, with plush, elegantly-carved furniture, floor-to-ceiling windows showing the view and an actual chandelier hanging from the painted ceiling. Their suitcases are already there, opened up in their bedroom and waiting to be unpacked. 

  Leon is already making himself comfortable, pulling his clothes out of his suitcase and picking some out to wear after his shower. He looks at Harald, who’s still partially in shock. “What’re you waiting for?”

  He gingerly enters the suite, eyes wide. He can’t even speak.

  While Leon busies himself with showering, Harald takes out his phone and calls his brother. 

  “How was your flight?” Is the first thing Stellan asks after picking up.

  “It was amazing. The food was great, for one, and in the middle of the flight the attendants flattened my seat into a bed. But that’s not the point.” Harald flips his phone’s camera around and moves it around his room. “This is the hotel suite Leon booked for us!”

  He sits in silence for a while, quietly observing the room. “Well,” he finally says, “that’s certainly... something.”

  “It’s a lot.”

  “How much did this cost?”

  “Too much, that’s for sure.” Harald glances at the bathroom. He’ll have to shower after Leon. “Thankfully Leon has friends here and pulled some strings so we can stay here cheaper.”

  Stellan glances at something out of the camera - probably his husband - and waves him away. “It should be about three in the afternoon in Hong Kong right now. What do you have planned for the rest of the day?”

  “I’m going to shower first. How ‘bout you?”

  “I have an interview this afternoon, but that’s about it,” he says. “Have fun in Hong Kong, okay?”

  “I will. Good luck in your interview.”

  They chat for a while more before Leon is finally done with his shower and it’s his turn to freshen up. Even the bathroom is fancy - everything’s made of marble, the towels are still-warm and the soap fragrant. He almost wants to stay in there forever until he remembers he has a city to explore.

  Leon is on his phone, sitting on their massive bed when he comes out. “My brother and a friend of mine are meeting us at the hotel lobby in five minutes.”

  “Your friend?”

  “Her name’s Ling,” he explains. “She’s from Taiwan and pretty famous in the fashion world - her store opened a branch in Milan just last month.”

  “Ooh.” Harald flops down next to him. The sheets are impossibly soft. “Woah, this is the best bed I’ve ever slept in.”

  “Don’t get too comfortable,” Leon jokes. “We have go to down to the lobby.”

  He reluctantly gets up from the bed and follows him out of the suite.

 ...

  Vicente and Ling are waiting for them at the doors of the hotel. Leon waves at them, hand in hand with his boyfriend, and power-walks towards them as fast as he can without looking like he’s running. 

  “Jia Lin!” Ling rushes forward and envelopes him in a hug, laughing, “it’s been too long! You’re way taller now and your hair’s no longer a disaster but I see you still have shit fashion sense!”

  His brother ruffles his hair. “Well, you can’t blame him. Londoners are even worse.”

  Leon squirms out of Ling’s arms. “Why is it that the first thing you two do after seeing me is to roast me?”

  “Is that your boyfriend?” She abandons Leon to approach Harald. “Hello there! Welcome to Hong Kong!”

  With a skittish glance at him, Harald manages a smile. “Hi. My name’s Harald, and it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  “No need to be so formal lah, just saying ‘hi’ is enough.” Ling stops in front of him, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “I’m Yue Ling, but people always manage to mess up ‘Yue’ despite it being a three-letter word so just call me Ling.”

  “Uh, sure.”

  Vicente gives Leon another slap on the shoulder before going to greet Harald. “Hi again. I don’t think you forgot who I am, right?”

  “No, who are you?”

  “Shut up.” 

  “So!” Leon interrupts. “Where do you want to go?”

  Ling turns to him. “Shouldn’t you be the one deciding that? You’re the one who hasn’t been back for a while.” 

  Where to go first? There are so many old spots he simply has to revisit, but what sort of place will give Harald a good impression of his home city? Then his stomach growls. “I say we go eat something first.”

  “Why don’t we go to Chu’s, then?” Vicente suggests.

  “It’s still up?”

  “Of course. I don’t think anyone would have the heart to close that place down.”

  “Hell yeah.” Leon goes to take Harald’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “I haven’t had their milk tea in, like, forever.”

  Fifteen minutes later, the four of them are seated on rickety plastic chairs around a table, surrounded by shouting customers and waiters alike. He stares at the menu flattened to the table by the pane of glass and tries to decide exactly what he should order. These are foods he won’t be able to find anywhere outside Hong Kong, from garlic-fried noodles to fresh fishballs to egg custard that’s actually good, and every one of them gives him a pang of nostalgia.

  Harald is pressed up next to him, squinting at the characters. “I understand all these words separately.”

  He points at one of the dishes. “That one’s Hong Kong-style French toast. The one next to it is a, uh...” How do you translate this into English? “A toasted bun with condensed milk.”

  They place their orders soon after. It feels amazing to be able to speak Cantonese again, to be surrounded by his mother tongue like a warm blanket. The chatter of the restaurant makes him feel like a secondary school student again, having afternoon tea after a long day of class. Leon takes a sip of his creamy milk tea and indulges himself with the memories for a while. 

  His phone rings in the middle of one of Vicente’s story. He looks at his screen, rolling his eyes when he realises it’s Yao. “Hello?”

  “Ka Long! You’re back in Hong Kong now, right?”

  “Yeah. I’m coming over for dinner tonight in case you forgot.”

  “I know, I know. Did you bring that boyfriend of yours along?”

  How did Yao know he brought Harald over? Better not to question. Leon sighs. “Yes.”

  “What’s his full name?”

  “Harald Grieg.”

  “Aiyah, you brought a gwai zai home?”

  He grits his teeth. “Why does it matter if he’s a Westerner or not?”

  “No, no, it doesn’t. I’m just surprised, that’s all. What does he do for a living?”

  “He’s the head chef at the Dragon Room.”

  “Really now?” Yao says incredulously. “Very impressive. Educational background?”

  “He didn’t go to university - “

  “HE DROPPED OUT!?”

  “No, he made the decision not to go.” Leon shoots his boyfriend an apologetic look even though he knows he can’t understand the conversation. “He went to culinary school and got a diploma.”

  “Which culinary school?”

  “No clue.”

  “Okay, sure. What’s his net worth? If you don’t know, what’s his family’s?”

  “I don’t know that either.”

  “How many houses does he own?”

  Leon blinks. Only his brother would want to know his partners’ property statistics. He prods Harald. “This is a stupid question, but how many houses does your family own?”

  “There’s the house in Trondheim, which is the one my brother’s living in, and we have a summer home in Akureyri. Why do you ask?”

  “Nothing, nothing.” He parrots that information to Yao. 

  “Only two houses?” Yao repeats, disappointed. Leon resists the urge to throw his phone. “How many cars, then?”

  “One.”

  “Ugh, of course. Boats?”

  He pokes Harald again. “Another stupid question, but do you have any boats?”

  “Stellan and I have a motorboat we used to go out to sea with,” he replies. “What’s with you suddenly taking interest in the stuff I own?”

  “It’s nothing, really.” Leon pecks him on the forehead. Across the table, Ling makes a face. He tells Yao over the phone, “he has a motorboat.”

  “No yachts?”

  “No yachts,” Leon confirms. 

  There’s silence on the other side for a long time. Then Yao finally asks quietly, “so you’re dating someone with no university education, two houses, one car and only one boat?”

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake!” He half-shouts in English. Some people from other tables turn to stare at him. “Who cares if Harald’s not a multibillionaire? I love him, and that’s that!”

  “He doesn’t even have a yacht!”

  One more comment on Harald’s lack of yachts and I will throw this phone across the room, Leon seethes internally. “Quit your judging for now. You can make up your mind when Harald comes over for dinner tonight.”

[kuronekonerochan]

Random Hanadan/BoF Shitpost

After hearing that Love in Flames of War, a republican era cdrama had Hana Yori Dango/Boys Over Flowers/ Meteor Garden/ F4 vibes... but eventually failed to deliver on that front I rambled at @dangermousie​ that, actually, we SHOULD have a Hanadan version of every genre of cdrama.

 No...wait...I’m joking...but also not. My reasoning for this is solid:

 1) No matter what you thing of Hanadan and all it’s objectively toxic and dated glory, you can’t deny it is a hallmark in the history of shoujo manga/anime/asian drama/ live action adaptation/remake pumping machine. It paved the way for all the ItaKiss, Fated to Love You, etc...and it is still to this day a nostalgia magnet for an easy cash grab with each remake (also the latest one might be the best lol).

 2) *Surrender by Cheaptricks plays in the background, talks in “there is no war in ba sing se” mode* There are no new ideas in media. Everything is a sequel, prequel, remake, reboot, retelling, soft reboot, parody, homage, the same thing over and over again but call it by another name (it’s still a rose, yeah Shakespeare, you’re a genius, congrats!).

 3) Let’s face it. Dramaland is going through the lowest of lows. Cdramas are bad and boring, Kdramas are scarce and boring and Jdramas are 10 ep cute little intros to the story you really wanna see that’s about to begin...at the end of ep10, last episode, no 2nd season. So, they might as well try Every Hanadan Set Everywhere all at Once.

 So, without further ado, introducing...every genre of Cdrama Hanadan (with crazy plot eggs for some and none for others bc I say so):

Starting with contemporary…

1)      Reverse hanadan where the fl is a rich asshole and the ml a poor little meow meow

2)      Time loop hanadan

3)      Modern Fantasy hanadan (sort of like the beginning of Bulgasal but more petty and less angsty lol)

4)      Transmigration low budget web drama romcom hanadan

5)      *barfs* modern office corporate romance hanadan

6)      *barfs again* gaming hanadan

7)      Sports hanadan (aka if HanaKimi wasn’t genderbender or cute but toxic instead)

8)      Coming of Age/ Youth to Adult Married life Hanadan 

Syke! Too late! There is already an OG classic toxic Hanadan of this Genre, it’s called Itazura na Kiss (and it’s my guilty pleasure, my personal hanadan lol)

9)      Ice sports hanadan....yesss...get gory with the bullying with ice skating blades muahahaha. The red card locks her on the ice rink and they oil the railings/plexiglass around it so she can't even climb out and she nearly freezes to death. They rope her to the back of a zamboni and drag her through the ice. While she is trapped on the ice rink, they rig a bucket of water to fall over her so she freezes faster.

Now for the period dramas…

10)   Republican Era hanadan

They could use the boat scene ending from the finale of the anime as a convenient plotpoint to escape the republican era without dying in the republican turmoil. "Oh, they just reunited dramatically on a boat post amnesia and went abroad together and missed all the political fatal shit and lived happily ever after. Their kids returned to China and lived happily under the great CCP rule (/s)!

11)   Palace hanadan

It’s hanadan meets legend of Ruyi where he is the Crown Prince but the Empress Dowager holds all the power and on some humiliation move has him take a barbarian slave as a concubine...and the red card is that it's open season on her from every noble or regular consort of his harem and his friends in the court...all is fair the only rule is she cannot be murdered, everything else is fair game. So she is beating to the brink of death, poisoned daily with agonizing pills only to be given antidotes at the last minute, drowned, flayed, etc.

12)   Wuxia hanadan. Similar. Dude is the leader of the jianghu, declares her a demon bc she offended him and has all the pretentious righteous sects go after her with agonizing Gus pushed on her body, plenty of chains, kebab her in multiple ways with stakes in torture chambers to cast out the evil.

13)   BL Wuxia hanadan. (this one is just here by popular demand. Mine. No, I will not elaborate on that).

14)   And at last…my personal favorite….drum rolls… Xianxia hanadan (here is the plot):

She spilled peach wine on his cloud robes once by accident before the Great Heaven's Ceremony so he scribed her name carelessly on the stone of the doomed as petty revenge hoping she'd get some bad karma. But at the time the Demon Overlord was fighting the Lord of Fate and the Dijun on Kunlun and as they made their final strike the demon overlord turned into a cloud of heavy miasma that swirled away swiftly for miles and landed on the stone of the doomed. Hence, for the next 10.000 years the calamities and heavenly tribulations of every god were transferred into the unlucky FL.

In the first 300 years, the gods were unsure of what was happening, but soon word spread of a small menial demigoddess who seemed to be getting an abnormal amount of calamities and trials and yet never ascended into a higher level god. But other gods were getting past their fated tribulations dates without experiencing the event itself but still ascending afterwards. Soon this bizarre phenomenon was being gossiped throughout all the heavenly realms and the gods were rushing to get their hands on every magical item capable of moving forward their tribulation dates... After all, who knew how long this free meal would last? So it follows that our female lead spent the next 10.000 overbooked from torturing calamity to the next without a break or a reward.

Our cloud cloaked protagonist came to learn of this business about 500 years into it. It was not his intention for the karmic payback to be that harsh...but then again it was his best cloud vest that the annoying, insignificant little demigoddess had ruined...and if the consequences had been that rough, who was he to question the Great Design. He soon forgot all about it, surely none of that pesky matter would come back to bother him...

10.000 later: Our fuming fl finally had enough...after experiencing every form of dismemberment as a human, for eons, though she didn't collect an ounce of heavenly grace to ascend to higher goddess....she sure damn well accumulated enough yin to form a monumental grudge...and she would use all of that energy into one single punch for a certain cloud clothed god that would send him so high the gods would finally know what lies above the heavenly realm...not that he'd get the opportunity to tell the tale.

Congrats! you made it to the end of my loooong ass ramble. 

Here’s some Ice Cream...

[drowning-in-dennor]

Hk for ask thing?

First impression: “Oh my gosh that’s Us”

Impression now: Poopy bastard trash child, I hate him but I love him at the same time

Favourite moment: He has like three scenes in the show but I like the one where he’s messing with Ice during the Halloween special

Idea for a story: I’m planning a sequel to my Crazy Rich Asians parody where he and Ice are getting married! Don’t know if I’ll actually write/publish it but it’s super fun to think about >:3

Unpopular opinion: He’s not actually that cool or smooth or trendy, he’s a badly-dressed hormonal teenager with no social skills whatsoever

Favourite relationship: H o n g I c e,,,, hngh I love them they’re pure and soft

Favourite headcanon: He‘s short-sighted and is supposed to have to wear glasses like Macau does, but wears contacts instead because he doesn’t want to look uncool (he still does though lmAo –)

[purple-spring]

All these tweets saying Lara Jean is annoying and selfish and stupid for picking one boy over another, and I’m over here just thinking, but do you know how long we’ve waited for this?

It’s 2020. Asians are now occupying the full gamut of popular culture. Parasite has won Best Picture at the Oscars. The Farewell garnered multiple nominations and wins, too. BTS are shutting down Grand Central Station as part of their album launch this week. The last two shows I’ve latched onto - The Good Place and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - had characters that were major leads that also happened to be Filipino. A Korean designer, Minju Kim, won Netflix’s Next In Fashion. Ali Wong got to have Keanu Reeves as her boyfriend on Always Be My Maybe. Marvel is producing the Shang-Chi film. The second Crazy Rich Asians film is in pre-production. Constance Wu got to play a stripper.

For years, we had to wait for the one Asian character to show up. We often waited in vain. Because, even if they did, they either had a goofy accent that clearly signaled that they were the joke, or they had to be the absolute paragon of virtue and wisdom.

There was no in between. There was nothing between joke and hero, idiot and guru.

Certainly nothing that centred us in the narrative.

But now, look at us: we get to be rich. We get to be hustlers. We get to be anywhere between clever and clueless and idiotic. We get to be funny in ways that don’t parody our race. We get to develop and occupy stories outside of our national histories. We get to be desirable, our bodies suddenly sexy and imbued with agency. We get to have boys fighting over us.

We get to be human.

And so, back to Lara Jean, it’s so refreshing that I don’t have to scramble to defend her in some desperate move to have her validated because she’s the only one who looks like me on my TV. She can be selfish. She can be immature. She can be indecisive. She can be insecure.

She can, because she’s not the only one.

There’s more work to be done, but our occupation of such major cultural spaces is no small thing: you see us. We get to be anything, or at least, we’re working towards it. What a wild and beautiful privilege.

[giveamadeuschohisownmovie]

Concept for a meta, coming-of-age movie:

Millie Bobby Brown (Stranger Things) plays a character in a generic coming-of-age movie who suddenly becomes self-aware of her existence. Wanting to break free from her world, she finds a secret passage beyond the end credits that lets her access other movies.  

After visiting a few movie worlds (possible worlds: a parody of the MCU movies, a horror movie, and a musical), she settles for a dark, bloody martial arts movie where the main protagonist is played by Iko Uwais (Wu Assassins/The Raid). Suddenly having to deal with this outsider, the martial arts protagonist agrees to protect the girl from the villain of his own movie.

The rest of the movie then becomes (ironically) a coming-of-age comedy, now centered on Millie’s character bonding with Iko’s character. They form sort of an uncle-niece relationship and they both help each other grow. Iko teaches Millie’s character how to fight and Millie teaches Iko’s character how to enjoy life when he’s not needing to fight.

Dave Batista (Guardians of the Galaxy) plays a weird, inter-dimensional gatekeeper whose job is to monitor the movie universes. He wants to return Millie to her own movie. 

Constance Wu (Crazy Rich Asians) plays the main villain. She was the deuteragonist of the martial arts movie who now realizes the movie has stopped because the main protagonist left the story in order to take care of an outsider. She’s also self-aware that she’s in a movie and decides to get rid of Millie’s character in order to bring Iko’s character back to the main story.

[tonyglowheart]

@imaginaryelle replied to your post:*me sipping tea* (x)

I would really enjoy seeing more of your thoughts on this, if you ever want to share them.

:’) a lot of my thoughts are salty rants and I’m TGCF on main right now so uhhh not at the moment but if you wanna hmu on like a chat thing of some sort I probably will eventually rant about my dislike of The MXTX Antis and the Problematic Culture people and the purity culture wank :’)

actually you know what, since I’m a parody of myself and I’m like always mood of "and another thing,” I’m just going to. go for it ig

so my biggest thing, is with the MXTX antis/MDZS wank/MXTX wank. is like....god it FRUSTRATES me so fckn much lmfao in so many ways and on so many levels.  like listen. I’m not saying there isn’t stuff to critique in MDZS. But there’s people who are first off: critiquing the writing quality, when I’m like “there’s like a 90% chance you’re reading the EN translation, and probably from ExR, and honestly I know it’s not fandom etiquette to critique fan content bc we’re all doing this for free out of passion, BUT I do, in fact, have some major issues with ExR’s translation quality, and also I lowkey feel like they have a strong traditional yaoi bias and sometimes it leaks through in how they handle certain things.” Big mood of this twitter thread about how when you’re reading in TL you can’t be criticizing the writing bc you’re already reading it filtered and like. you gotta consider things like the TL’s own personal biases or takes, etc. Which I feel like some people don’t in their critique, or at least they don’t take the time to acknowledge it and instead start spinning off into more and more impassioned reactions to perceived slights or faults.

The other thing is like. I admit when I first read MDZS - which I did while simultaneously watching bc I was kind of using CQL as a vehicle to get into MDZS, I had the HARDEST time trying to read ExR’s translation when I was going into it cold many many many moods ago rip - I was also squicked out by the explicit scenes shown. It did remind me a lot of traditional yaoi tropes, and I wasn’t into it. HOWEVER I was also a psych major, and I want to point out that the T/N’s do read to me as having a strong yaoi bias, and also before ExR redid their site they had large “SERVING YAOI AND BL” banners on EVERY page lol. And I think that also primes people to see things a certain way. (I just. am :/ about ExR also bc like... their whole vibe as a “yaoi scanlator” and also I. can’t be sure the TL wasn’t 17 when they were tl’ing it lmfao,,  and they did the whole rant - which fine they apologized for, but I think sort of reflects on a general attitude still w/ the team - about how some other TL had bad quality or something, but their existing TL has a lot of clunky English phrasing and actually a lot of editing issues, too, I was creating myself a back-up copy from their site and like google docs was already catching a bunch of typos and tense issues and such :’) and that’s beyond clunky EN translation phrasing. I just am like. they have a patreon lol, so I can’t say ExR is doing it wholly not-for-profit/dollars, and also like... it’s not like they’re licensed? I get that within scanlation circles, there’s an etiquette of “first come first serve,” but with translation, I think fans are only served with more translations? but I also care about the original work lol, I mean I get the vanity of “I want MINE to be the AUTHORITATIVE tl” bc I feel that mood too, but also I’m like. fam you didn’t bid for a license lmao.)

But yeah like. My petty gripes with ExR aside lmfao, I think when you look at WangXian, the whole “it’s yaoi tropes” gets really strawman. Like from a Watsonian perspective, I mean like... both WWX and LWJ really ARE useless virgins, lol, WWX’s first kiss was stolen by LWJ and his whole idea of sex comes from porn; LWJ is GusuLan and like. yeah. Who is teaching them about lube? certainly not porn. (but this also gets into the whole. like people saying explicit material is “problematic” because it doesn’t show “realistic” sex and I’m like. fam it’s smut, not a sex manual.) And like... they’re both kinky and WWX has a pregnancy kink, and like... good for them I guess?

From a more Doylist perspective..... I think for me, I’m like. well why not? gay media doesn’t have to be uwu to be “Valid,” and like, the people who start attacking mxtx personally because of the way she chose to write WangXian, or saying she’s homophobic because of WangXian or she doesn’t have the range... I already Know they didn’t read TGCF or SV lol. (and yeah SV is more “problematic” but I also think it’s VERY genre aware and both satirizes and also plays with and subverts some of the typical genre “problematic” things. not everything, but like. again the whole idea that non-mainstream media needs to be held to a higher standard to not be cancelled? I don’t hold by that). [But more on the Doylist thing: it’s dumb to me that people react like it’s a moral failing of non-straight works if they don’t fit EXACTLY their personal idea of what a thing should be. And this comes up EVERY time there’s some new thing. hell it’s not even just lgbt-related stuff; Hamilton, Crazy Rich Asians, etc all had nitpicking. Which again, isn’t invalid! but also like. :/ because we DON’T have enough representation right now to pick, and my take is always: the solution is to get to the point where we can pick and choose and can afford to have bad media just like the straights/whites do :’)]

The thing about WWX and LWJ is neither of them, as they’re written in canon, fit within “traditional yaoi” seme/uke stereotypes. The kiss I see people rail against as “dubcon” and also their sex scenes but I’m like. yeah I think it’s fine to say it’s not your cup of tea but to say that that makes them traditional yaoi rapey tropes I’m like. Fam that’s not it lol. LWJ is shown as being SO incredibly responsive and attentive to WWX’s wishes and desires. I mean that’s examples of his passion exploding out, but we consistently see LWJ being respectful of WWX’s wishes and autonomy even when it like. fucks him/them over :’) like when WWX was so hell-bent on hurtling down the mo’dao route :’)

plus also WWX literally fantasizes about them retiring as farmers and he’s the one out working the fields and LWJ is staying at home weaving lol, like c’mon, ya wanna talk gender roles, let’s talk about this.

the other thing is the whole mxtx anti stuff about “she’s homophobic” and “she’s a filthy fujo” and I think there’s issues that people aren’t considering, which I don’t know as much about but I feel like it informs my consideration of mxtx - such as like... not everyone’s internet is as wide open as, like, the West. I don’t know so much about Chinese censorship other than it exists, but I’m like. I think this would affect people’s access to resources which would inform them about how things work/where people are with LGBT thought? It reminds me of when young tumblr kids trash talk older queer people for using terms they see as “problematic” now, and I’m like “you really gotta pause a moment of (1) have some empathy (2) consider the person’s individual personal and cultural context.” MDZS wasn’t made for a Western audience in mind lol, it’s not going to reflect Western values! And China has a different history with its LGBT progression and it’s m/m media, which I don’t know enough about to comment specifically, but I think it’s incredibly disingenuous to judge it based on Western standards. A lot of people probably don’t realize they are! in that it doesn’t even occur to them, which is why they feel so free with their judgment! But also I’m like. lowkey THAT’s a problem for me bc of like. cultural imperialism lmfao. and also reflective of EN-language imperialism, when people are judging EN tl’s they’re seeing on face value without realizing or considering that they’re...reading... a translation... and that translations are NOT in fact direct one-for-one and that there’s a LOT of considerations that go into both translating and reading a translation of a work.

I think the points antis pull up against MXTX is like... stuff she’s said before in interviews - and I don’t know from when, but I imagine years ago at this point - where she was asked about shipping the other characters in MDZS, and she said something I think about how to her, she wants to write in a way that “preserves realism” or maybe she believes in (I only read a TL of it, so I hold the exact phrasing with a grain of salt), and for her, not everyone is gay so she doesn’t write all of her named characters gay. and I’m like. whatever that’s her prerogative as the author. And I think there’s also something that I don’t know if it’s an official “rules”/”guidelines” she wrote bc again I’ve only seen secondhand/thirdhand sources, but it’s something mxtx-antis also quote, where she said to not break up the main couples and also don’t “reverse” them. but again when we’re getting into the shou/gong dynamics, that’s where I don’t feel comfortable commenting because I don’t know enough about the sociopolitical implications of these terms and how they interact within that fandom/community subset. But I do think people need to be taking the stuff they read - ESPECIALLY if they’re only reading it in EN - with a grain of salt. or like a big ol pinch of it. 

edit: I know more about this now lmao and I know exactly which question people use piecemeal of vilify her. Here’s a recent-ish translation someone did. Read it through - the WHOLE thing, and think about the wider context.

But also in general I just don’t think anyone is valid when we start getting into ad hominems lol. Especially when I feel like they’re not really taking a moment to consider what wider contexts and influences might be at play and instead are playing Tumblr telephone with outrage and virtue signalling

sidebar: I also fucking HATE CQL purists lmfao. I don’t feel like I’ve seen or encountered anyone saying CQL fans are less valid than novel fans except in the sense of CQL fans getting defensive about their dislike of the novel - which, whatever, people have opinions - or decision not to read the novel and saying anyone saying they HAVE to read the novel is gatekeeping - which I hold to less but mostly bc I think it’s a fundamental misunderstanding of fan language, some of us say you HAVE to read it not in a neckbeard way but in a I’m so desperately passionate and I want more people to know about this way, kind of like how the “I hate you” in fan language GENERALLY means “I love it so much and I can’t stand it”? - but I HAVE seen people say the novel “ruined” wangxian, or CQL people who seem to be like... purity-wanking, like idk if you were around but god after Infinity War and the number. of fckn ironstranges. posting in the tags. about “love how healthy our ship is” and I’m like. this is still anti culture/purity wank but the other side of the coin 8). I encounter sometimes this lowkey attitude of CQL (or other adaptations) “redeeming” MDZS from the author, and I’m like. y’all are wack lmfao. There’s people wiht MDZS or even TGCF main, and they hate mxtx? and they say shit like “mdzs was only good on accident”? and I’m like. can you just leave lmfao. if you hate her then why are you here. (bc they’ve mental gymnastics this into a virtue ethics thing about “o the work is good and therefore morally fine but the parts I don’t like are because mxtx is morally bad and unworthy and tainted it, and CQL with its Purity has Redeemed it” but I’m like. this is because of censorship lmao. The team did a FANTASTIC job working the character dynamics and story, but like it also is directly because of censorship.)  

like I... have more thoughts than this lmfao bc ofc I do, but anyway, here’s... some of them lol

[nicol3houghts]

STOP WATCHING THE OFFICE:   other things to watch this summer

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE ZIE OFFICE!! But as much as it pains me to say, the office isn’t a personality trait, so I’ve decided to make a list (e.g. Buzzfeed lists) of my top 16 recommendations for TV and podcasts to watch and listen to—since we all need to stop being basic bitches and FOCUS! 

I hope you listen to me when I say these shows are amazing and actually watch them if you have the time. I'm doing this because I care about you and your TV preferences.

I'll break it up by streaming service, starting with Netflix then Hulu, YouTube, then Podcasts last.

*I apologize in advance for the lousy grammar and lack of editing, but also not really sorry bout it.

-----------------------------------------

On NETFLIX:

1. Arrested Development

Number of Seasons: 5

Number of Episodes: 91

Hours to Binge: 35

Okay, number one on my list is Arrested development. A lot of people I talk to, especially in my age range, don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, but this show is GENIUS... on G*D. I’ve watched it around four times now, and each time it gets better and better. I read somewhere that it was created as a satire of Bush-era incompetence and idiotic hanky-panky during the Iraq war. But at its heart, the show’s about a rich family with four adult children—who are all goofy and quirky. Their dad get’s thrown in jail for doing business with terrorists or something like that and Micheal Bluth (Jason Bateman) has to get them out of weird ass situations.

Above is one of my favorite scenes  (Best clip I could find on youtube!!).

This show has a LOT of jokes and long running bits that you kind of have to pay attention to to get the storyline. It’s hella META, and at times, can be really weird (see George Micheal Bluth and Maeby Fünke’s little Les Cousins Dangereux). In conclusion, however, Jason Bateman is hot, Micheal Cera is hot, and Tony Hale is ~super~ hot.

P.S. a lot of memes come from this show that you would know but don’t know that it’s from this show.

2. The Haunting of Hill House

Number of Seasons: 1

Number of Episodes: 10

Hours to binge: 9

Scary as f*ck! Do not watch yourself or u will die. I warned you.

I'm not going to spoil it too much, but it's about a family living in a spooky house and crazy ass shit keeps happening to them. They eventually move out, but even 20 years after--when the kids are all adults--the haunting of the house follows them.

There's even a 17 min scene that they shot in one shot!!!!!!!! That's wiLD.

3. Schitt's Creek

Number of Seasons: 5

Number of Episodes: 66

Hours to binge: 25

Yet another show about a rich family loosing all their money. A bit different than Arrested Development. This show is about a rich ass family loosing all their money and resorting to live in Schitt's Creek--a town in Nowhere, U.S.A. the family bought as a JOKE. It's a really easy watch. The characters in this show are SO un-relatable and mean it's hilarious--only if u f*ck wit dry humor tho.

Here's my favorite character, Alexis Rose just being iconic:

Give it a try, the first few episodes are rocky, but it gets better. That's a guarantee.

4. American Vandal

Number of Seasons: 2

Number of Episodes: 16

Hours to binge: 9

A lot of people already probs watch this show, but it's honestly so beautifully written. The show is an homage to Making a Murderer, a true crime mockumentary of sorts. It follows two guys, Sam and Peter as they try to figure out a mystery: WHO DREW D*CKS ON THE TEACHER'S CARS?

Also, JIMMY TATRO!!!!!

Season 2 follows a different crime and it's... it's poopy.

5. Mindhunter

Number of Seasons: 1

Number of Episodes: 10

Hours to binge: 9

YUH. Just started this, already on ep. 8, very interesting. Mindhunter is about the first FBI agents to use profiling to catch serial killers. THE CHARACTERS IN THIS SHOW WALKED SO THAT HOTCH AND REID COULD RUN.

This show is no joke and based on true serial killers like the coed killer, the shoe fetish killer, and BTK, it's very.... very creepy.

ALWAYS carry pepper spray on ya, that's fer sher.

6. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

pinot noir, caviar

7. John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid

eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs

8. The Good Place

is it really the good place?

---------------------------------------------

On Hulu:

9. Broad City

Number of Seasons: 5

Number of Episodes: 50

Hours to binge: 18

One of the greatest television series of all time about two baller best fraaands who get into the schemes of the century in New York City. Illana, a ferocious kween wit ZERO f*cks, and Abbi, an aspiring artiste with a great ass. The two work min-wage jobs in NYC (so they're broke) and they're just trying to find luv and a good bacon egg and cheese.

Think Sex and the City but fresh and new and wild. Abbi and Ilana's dialogue and schemes are relatable af, it makes it seem like you're there with them. Their co-dependency is so powerful... yet at moments, a lil destructive. I once had a friendship like this.. and let me tell you... co-dependency is a wild ride.

Some of the funniest scenes in this show is just of them talking on the street. Sometimes, when I'm walking with my friends, I pretend like I'm in the show lol.

I recommend you start from beginning to end because of the endless callbacks and running gags, but if not start with season 3, episode 7 B&B-NYC. Blake Griffin is in it.

10. Community

Number of Seasons: 6

Number of Episodes: 110

Hours to binge: 41

What can I say about this show to make you watch it? Well first of all the fact that Childish Gambino (Donald Glover) is in it should already have you clicking over to Hulu by now.

Community is about seven quirky misfits: a disbarred lawyer, a failed housewife, an activist everyone hates, a racist old man, a stupid jock who lost his sports scholarship, a high-strung know-it-all who took too much adderall, and abed. They all end up at Greendale Community College with a phsyco spanish teacher and a colorful dean. 

This show is kind of a parody of a sitcom, and it is VERY meta--often referring to themselves as TV show characters. The seven get into hilarious adventures and obstacles along the way. The show also genre hops from time to time. For example, they have a whole pillow fort vs. blanket fort episode (Pillows and Blankets, season 3, episode 4) in a Ken Burns documentary style, an episode in claymation for Christmas (Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas, season 2, episode 11), and a bunch of paintball episodes in style of Quentin Tarantino and StarWars.

Again, you should start at the beginning, but if you want to get into it quickly, I really loved Pillows and Blankets (season 3, episode 4).

11. The Mindy Project

As a "petite asian woman" who is not petite, this show is very relatable. About finding love and eating good in the big apple.  

P.S. If you don't like Kelly from the office, you're dead 2 m3.

12. Brooklyn 99

Cool. coolcoolcoolcool. Jake Peralta is the greatest detective/genius.

13. Superstore

If Walmart and the office had a baby and it was incompetent.

---------------------------------------------

On YouTube and Facebook Watch:

14. The Real Bros of Simi Valley

Number of Seasons: 2

Number of Episodes: 14

Hours to binge: 4

You straight up know these guys, fool. Four stoner/burn-outs who think your hometown's Mexican food is the best in the world. Amazingly written and surprisingly good acting. Lightweight lowkey thought they were speaking another language at first.

Jimmy Tatro, Cody Ko, Getter, and Nick Colletti. What more do you want? LITERALLY WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

The unnecessary drama and endless quotable jokes in this show leads you wanting more with only 14 episodes totaling at around four hours.

Watch the first season YouTube here:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybcPQVipNAw

---------------------------------------------

Podcasts:

15. Tiny Meat Gang

Aha hah bro last night was a movie bro ON GOD.

Noel Miller and Cody Ko talk about literally anything, but goofy. I can listen to them talk for straight up hours.

I usually listen on Apple Podcasts, but you can also watch on YouTube:

https://youtu.be/ZCMs4FrC_c0

Just start listening, bro.

16. My Favorite Murder

No shade to Codel, but My Favorite Murder is my all time favorite podcast. Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark  are two hilarious women who love murder. Not murdering, but the psychology of murderers and survivors. Each Thursdays each of them tell a story about a murder. They don't make fun of murders, but it's their banter that makes it fun to listen to.

If you're a fan of true crime at all, please listen so I have more people to talk about it with. shouts outs Jenna for putting me on to the show!

Here are my favorite episodes!

*tip: skip the first 15-20 min to the first murder when first listening.

150: How Dare You Kill Kelli

The Hanging of Alice Riley and The Murder of Reyena Marroquin

131: The Uninhibited

The Murder of Standford White and The Case of the Boys on the Tracks

[thefilmfatale]

Always Be My Maybe and How to Ruin a Rom Com

There is an art to a good romantic comedy.

Let me preface this post with a confession: I am a rom com enthusiast. Go ahead, turn your nose up at me, you snobs! But I unabashedly love romantic comedies. Yes, I’m aware that the genre is much maligned for being painfully predictable and vapid, but it would surprise you how tough it actually is to produce a solid rom com that hits all the right notes.

You see, there’s a formula. Boy Meets Girl (yes, I’m being deliberately heteronormative for this example, put your pitchforks down). Girl plays hard to get. Boy persists and wins her over despite how much the lady doth protest too much. A conflict introduces tension and separation (”Gasp! This was all part of a bet?!”), throwing the relationship into jeopardy. Boy performs Grand Gesture��� to win back Girl’s heart. Girl forgives Boy and the two gallop into the sunset. Cue Third Eye Blind’s “Semi-Charmed Life” as the credits roll.

The formula works, but only if the filmmaker can trick the audience into believing that this on screen romance has real stakes. To do that, you have to have a script that at least pretends to explore an interesting relationship which, as it unfolds, gives the audience butterflies and makes them want to root for the star-crossed lovers. Without audience investment, you have no rom com.

To get the audience to invest, you need likeable leads who have great chemistry and just enough tangible sexual tension to create that air of “Will they or won’t they?” After all, no one ships a couple who are devoid of personality and lack chemistry. Most of this sexual tension is physical—in the way the actors interact with each other—but what can really help establish this is verbal, by way of witty repartee.

Think of some of the classic rom coms, like When Harry Met Sally. Why does it work? Sally is a Type A personality. Prim, proper, particular, and uptight. Harry is more laid back, casual, and candid— unafraid to tell it like it is. He’s also a bit of a troll who enjoys getting a rise out of someone. Throw the two on a road trip together and you have a recipe for romance (or disaster—however you want to look at it). As a viewer, you begin to root for them because we’re told that opposites attract and complement each other. Harry softens Sally’s rough edges, Sally helps Harry realize he needs some maturing.

And you all know the Big Gesture™. A New Year’s eve confession that inspired a thousand sappy rom-com speeches.

What makes When Harry Met Sally successful?

Harry and Sally are different enough from each other that there is enough sexual tension and push and pull to make their interactions interesting.

Each half of the couple has their own personality that feels authentic to their character. They have their own ambitions and goals. They also have traits and quirks that uniquely position them to attract each other.

The relationship does not seem guaranteed—the audience has to have a moment of doubt or uncertainty that makes them will the couple back together.  

Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal have fantastic chemistry.

It seems pretty straightforward. Follow the formula, and you’ll be fine. In fact, it’s hard to screw up a good rom com if you just imagine unconventional ways to put two individually interesting but opposite enough people together then lean back and watch the sparks fly.

So all this to say that nothing could have prepared me for the soul-sucking awfulness of Always Be My Maybe, the Netflix flick starring comedian Ali Wong (know for her Baby Cobra Netflix special) and Fresh Off the Boat’s Randall Park.

The story follows Sasha Tran (Wong), a renowned chef and restauranteur, who rekindles a romance with her childhood best friend Marcus Kim (Park) when her marriage engagement suddenly falls through. Tran is portrayed as ambitious and driven, while Kim is unmotivated and immature, using his widowed father as a crutch to not follow his dreams. In its purest form (this summary), the gist of the story seems fine. Nothing to write home about (certainly not novel), but this is romantic comedy and the bar is more of a footstool so no one’s begrudging sticking to convention. But Always Be My Maybe takes that convention and, in true Asian fashion, approaches it with textbook diligence that just sapped the joy and life out of what should have been a fun, light-hearted romp. So much for subverting Asian stereotypes!

Now I’m a fan of Ali Wong and Randall Park’s, but this movie was so mind-numbing, it made me physically ill. Ali Wong? Hilarious! Randall Park? Extremely likable and has great comedic timing! Together you would think they would be dynamite. Fireworks! An explosive affair of epic proportions! And for those of us who’ve had a hankering for a rom com with Asian leads (and God knows we’ve waited a long fucking time—thank you, Crazy Rich Asians) we know about the demand for one.  

Alas, what a disappointment. A telephone pole and I would have had more chemistry than Ali Wong and Randall Park. As much as it pains, I have to say that Always Be My Maybe just might be one of the worst romantic comedies I have ever watched.

Not only did this movie put two leads together who had zero chemistry—or at least enough sexual tension to help the audience suspend their disbelief that these aren't just actors—but the story unfolds in a fashion that actually makes the audience keenly aware of the formula. I know I said if you just follow the formula you can’t go wrong, but Jesus they didn’t have to make it so obvious! It’s like Fight Club, you know? The first rule of making a good rom com is YOU DO NOT MAKE THE AUDIENCE AWARE THAT THEY ARE WATCHING A ROM COM. I mean, at least try to approach it like it’s actually an interesting story about two people.

Instead, the movie followed story beats that seemed to exist for the sake of moving the story along instead of actually selling us on the relationship. The beats were so obvious that you can actually pinpoint where they begin and end because they were helpfully (and often unnecessarily) bookended by old school hip hop songs. Cue music! Here comes the conflict, the part where Boy and Girl rekindle their romance only to find that the years apart have made them different people. Boy judges Girl for being pretentious and obnoxious. Girl judges boy for being immature and unmotivated. A big fight ensues! Insults are hurled at each other that are so truthful they hurt! But it’s only a sign that they are meant to be with each other because they can trust each other to be this honest!

You know your movie is bad when your story beats are so obvious that they take the viewer out of the movie. You know your rom com is bad when Boy’s Big Gesture™ felt like a very clear When Harry Met Sally rip-off with dialogue that makes you want to get a lobotomy. There’s certainly nothing wrong with being referential or, even better, deliberately parodying romantic comedies. But Always Be My Maybe wasn’t really trying to be either. It was just stuck in this weird gray area of trying to be a romantic comedy and failing.  

Always Be My Maybe’s biggest problem is in its turd of a script. It was so cringeworthy, filled with inauthentic lines and tired Asian jokes (the joke about Asians hating tipping was played out to the point of exasperation). Even their attempts to make fun of woke culture (which is an effort I wholly endorse) felt contrived and flat, which is such a bummer because that would have been a cool differentiator. Even the promising jabs at the pretentiousness of haute cuisine were awkwardly executed. Most of all, it didn't do its lead actors any favors, turning them into cartoonish cardboard cut-outs that were designed to follow the formula of a rom-com without putting in the work to earn the audience’s investment. Performance-wise, Wong did a passable job, but there were times when it felt like she was reciting a line that was clearly more apt for a comedy skit rather than a piece of dialogue that a character in a movie is saying. Park’s attempt at faux awkwardness, on the other hand, was excruciating to watch. Couldn’t he just be a dude in a rap band who happens to live with his dad? That's a decent enough back story. There really wasn’t a need to give him a personality quirk that seemed put on rather than authentic.  

The film’s most promising moment was a Keanu Reeves cameo. And it’s only because Reeves was so game at poking fun of himself and the pretentiousness of celebrity that it worked. But just like the tired Asian jokes, at a certain point the humor was played out to the point where it became unwelcome. I also want to give credit to the film for portraying an Asian American upbringing that wasn’t the Fresh Off the Boat variety. While there isn't anything wrong with that portrayal, it’s also a treat to be able to see a different dimension of Asian culture, one that shows how typical and relatable it is to the average American’s upbringing. Premarital, promiscuous sex! Rap music! Being into pretentious food! Much as I hate to admit it, the whole “Asians—we’re just like you!” approach is kinda needed in film and television because it removes this layer of exoticization that can be restrictive to Asian characters.

While not tokenizing Asian characters is a positive, it still doesn’t make Always Be My Maybe a good movie. While I did watch it all the way to the end (despite my body’s vehement protests), it hurt my soul in ways I didn’t anticipate. How did they ruin this rom com? First, and most importantly, there was a shocking lack of individual character development. You don't get a sense of who these people are individually. Instead, they just seemed to be characters created for the sole purpose of putting them together and contrasting them enough to where they should have some sort of chemistry. But you can’t manufacture that. Each actor has to go through the work of making their characters likable. If I like the characters individually, I like them even better together! See how that 2+2 worked? But without dedicating the right amount of time and space in the story to showing their inner lives and what makes them tick, you’re setting them up for failure.

Second, and on a related note: there were no real stakes to the relationship. because setting up Sasha and Marcus to be together just seemed like a given from the get go. There didn’t seem to be any real jeopardy to their relationship, even once the conflict was introduced. The forced repartee between the characters came off like lines of dialogue instead of natural conversation, not to mention the very apparent lack of chemistry between Ali Wong and Randall Park. So much so that you didn’t really want to see them make out, let alone root for them to end up together. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you ruin a rom com.

If you, a friend, or family member just watched Always Be My Maybe and are experiencing similar symptoms of nausea and misanthropy, may I direct you to a Netflix original rom com that is actually good? Go check out Set It Up, if you haven’t already!

What did you think of Always Be My Maybe? Am I full of shit? Did you like it? What are some of your favorite romantic comedies? Sound off in the comments below!

[aph-honk-kong]

Breaching Heaven

Conversations from a number of the world’s elite regarding what will be Asia’s biggest wedding. [A continuation of this.] [Written for @aphasiaweek with the prompt “history”]. ... An OC appears in this because I ran out of characters afsfkjsldjklfs Gabriella “Ella” Sabularse - Philippines

Sabularse & Co., Manila

  There are many things Ella is proud of. There’s the fact that her grades have never dipped below a ninety-five in her twenty years of schooling, for one, or how she graduated at the top of her class at Oxford. There’s the fact that she got her master’s degree in business admin in Switzerland without a hitch, and the fact that she managed to completely reform her father’s company to be one of the best in the country. 

  But what most of Asia’s elite know her best for is her ability to always be on the top of things. If she were to meet another of the wealthy, within fifteen minutes she’d know their full name, their parents’ names, their extended family dating back to fifty years, their approximate net worth, some of the properties they own around the world, the cars, yachts and private jets (and on one occasion, the submarines) they own and about how much they’re worth, their jewelry collection, their friends, enemies and partners (if applicable) and possibly their pets. And by the end of the day, the rest of the continent’s top percent would know, too.

  No new gossip has permeated Asia for a whole month now, nor has any hot news reached her ears. That’s rare - Ella can usually manage to dig something up after a fortnight of relative peace and throw the rich folks into another state of chaos and pettiness.

  It has to be the calm before a storm, she thinks while on a break. Ella’s put her two hundred and fifty-three (she counted) emails on hold to take a drink of water before she has to go back to work. But before her fifteen minutes of rest are up, her phone rings - her personal one, not her business one.

  Ella narrows her eyes. Only a handful of people know her personal number, and they all know she can be a total bitch when she’s disturbed during a break. Which idiot’s calling? 

  She leans over, peers at the screen and sighs. Of course. Ella picks up her phone. “Well, if it isn’t my least-favourite gnome.”

  Halfway across the world, Leon’s crackly voice retorts, “well, fuck you too.”

  “You are so rude, you know? That’s no way to talk to your Ate Ella. Haven’t you learnt any manners at all in London?”

  “You started it!” Three years her junior but also a head shorter, Leon was her classmate in Switzerland. He was a bumbling idiot hopped up on inheritance money, with no clue how anything worked. If not for her, he probably would’ve failed a month in. “I’ll have you know, I’ve grown a lot now that the Hong Kong pollution isn’t stunting my growth - “

  “Okay, okay, whatever you say.” Ella looks at the glass vase at the corner of her desk, holding a few sweet-smelling frangipani. She made a habit of picking some up on the way to work. “Now why did you call? Did you get a new car? Sculpture? One of those abandoned castles in rural Glasgow?”

  “Oh, Ella, you know me so well.” Leon snorts. “But I didn’t buy anything new.”

  “So what is it?”

  “I’m bringing my boyfriend to Hong Kong.”

  “You’re - “ she sputters - “you’re what?”

  “Bringing him home, just in time for Vicente and Madeline’s wedding. He’s going to meet my brother.”

  “Well, good fuck-ing luck. Your brother’s the most backwards man I know, and when someone like me says that, you know it’s bad.” Ella stretches. She really needs to get back to work, but this news is too good to give up. “I’ll be going, too. I’ll get the chance to see your pretty boy-toy in person then.”

  “I’ll start mentally preparing him, in that case,” Leon says. “Anyway, I have to go. I’m heading to work soon. And before you ask, my hotel’s doing fine. Harald’s the head chef at its main restaurant, and nothing can go wrong with him in charge.”

  “Harald?” She repeats. “I assume that’s the name of your man?”

  “That’s the one.” Someone else is talking in the background, and he raises his voice to make himself audible. “It was nice talking to you. See you soon.”

  “Bye.”

  Right after Leon’s hung up, Ella clicks onto her messages and peers at her contacts. Oh, this is going to be the juiciest piece of news Asia has ever seen. But who to call first?

...

Le Ciel, Vienna

  When he first entered into the realm of the elite, Yao thought he’d be looked down upon, mocked as one of those new-money nobodies who popped up from luck alone. Thankfully that wasn’t the case, though, and all his gwailo old money friends see him as an equal.

  Said friends are having the most excellent lunch with him, gathered in one of Austria’s finest restaurants. Their gracious host, one Wienerphilharmoniker violinist Roderich Edelstein, signs the check without a glance. Their meal cost nearly two hundred euros in total.

  Seated next to him, Francis Bonnefoy (yes, of the Bonnefoy Hotels) takes a bite of his pandan-caramel babas au rhum and asks, “so what have the young ones been up to recently?”

  Arthur Kirkland, referred to by those with too much time on their hands as Lord Arthur James Harry Tarquin Edward George Charles Richard William Reginald Trevor Ronald Phillip David Kirkland the Fourth, Earl of Leicester, replies, “Alfred is having a fine time in New York. He started that lovely charity of his and everyone loves him.”

  “Is it true that he donated all of his inheritance?” 

  “Yes indeed.” Arthur shrugs; his younger brother has always been the less uppity one. “I won’t stop him, of course, because he mentions that he’s related to me in every interview he has. It’s mighty good PR. And your siblings, Francis?”

  “Matthieu is doing well, as usual. That stuffed animal manufacturer of his that I funded is one of the most popular in Canada.” Francis winks at Yao. “And my Madeline is divine.”

  “You ought to be very proud of her,” Yao chips in. “She’s a natural at managing a hotel, that one, and with my brother’s help, they’re practically rolling in cash now. Jia Lin is very lucky to have her by his side.”

  “And they’re finally getting married, too!” He exclaims. “The wedding is going to be simply extravagant. I will be there, of course, I can’t not see my baby sister off.” Francis wipes at his eyes dramatically. “And how about you, Roderich? How’s that child of yours faring?”

  Roderich is the only one out of the four of them with a child, something that has made him the subject of subtle envy. It’s one thing to have talented siblings, it’s another to have a prodigy of a kid. He smiles softly, yet proudly. “Jo is as brilliant as ever.” 

  Jo Edelstein is Roderich’s only child, a genius of an artist despite being only twelve. They were sent off to an elite art school in Sweden after their first four years of primary school were complete, and is probably already on track to be one of the generation’s best creators.

  “The last time they called they wouldn’t stop talking about a friend they made,” Roderich continues. “He’s a boy in their class named Niklas Väinämöinen-Oxenstierna.”

  “That’s certainly a mouthful,” Arthur remarks. 

  “Says Arthur James Harry Tarquin Edward George Cha - “

  “Shut up, Francis.”

  “I looked Niklas up, and he doesn’t come from too awful a family.” He stirs his cup of coffee. “One of his fathers is a professor, I believe, and you may have heard of the other one.”

  “Who is it?” Yao asks.

  “That famous architect Berwald Oxenstierna. He doesn’t have that high a net worth, but his reputation more than makes up for it.” Roderich looks up, peers through his glasses. “But enough of my rambling. We already know how Vicente is doing. What about Leon, Yao?”

  Ah, Leon. Yao would be lying if he said he hadn’t wanted to throw the little shit into the sun at least once. At least he’s grown out of his chaotic tendencies for the most part. “Well,” he starts, “Leon is Leon. W Hotel is doing okay as far as I know - at least, it hasn’t gotten into any scandals.” His phone starts to vibrate in his pocket. “Now, if you would give me a moment.”

  He accepts the call once he’s distanced himself from the table. “Good afternoon, this is Jing Yao Wang.”

  “Hey! How are you?”

  “Yue Ling!” He smiles. Yue Ling Pisetskaya-Lin, self-made Taiwanese fashion queen, is like a little sister to him. “I’m doing great, thank you. You?”

  “Absolutely amazing. My clothing chain has two new branches!”

  “Oh, congratulations!” He leans against the wall of the restaurant. “But it must be so early in Taipei. Aren’t you sleepy?”

  Ling giggles. “I’m not in Taipei right now. I actually flew to Milan for the ribbon-cutting of my new branch there. A branch in Milan, Yao! Now all that’s left is Paris.”

  “That’s amazing. Is your wife with you?”

  “Natalia is on tour in Germany at the moment, but she’ll join me next week. Then we’re departing for Hong Kong together.”

  Natalia Plisetskaya-Lin was a principal dancer at the Bolshoi Ballet in Moscow, until she publicly announced her marriage to Ling and faced so much backlash she had to leave the country. It might’ve worked to her benefit, though - now free from the Bolshoi’s grasp, all the other big companies around the world are fighting to have her as a guest artist. Ling keeps talking. “Speaking of Hong Kong, I heard some news about Leon.”

  “What is it?”

  “Well, I heard from Kiku who heard from Yong-Soo who heard from Linh who heard from Somchai who heard from Lauren who heard from Ella who heard from Leon himself that he’s bringing his boyfriend to Vic and Maddie’s wedding.”

  “Right. That.” He was never told that Leon had a boyfriend! Oh, goodness, how long have the two been dating? How serious are they? Which family is he from?

  “I assume you didn’t know, but that’s fine. I only found out today, too. Ella says the boyfriend’s name is Harald, which doesn’t ring any bells but I’m sure he’s somebody.”

  “Yes, I’m sure,” Yao wheezes.

  “He must be really into Harald if he’s bringing him to Hong Kong,” Ling says conspiratorially. “D’you think he’s going to ask for your blessing to marry him?”

  Not the M-word! “I have to go now,” he announces. “I hope I’ll see you at the wedding.”

  “Bye-bye. I hope to see you soon!”

  When Ling’s hung up, Yao quickly makes a few Google searches on the current rankings of richest fellows in each continent. All the Haralds he sees are probably too old for Leon, or too ugly. None of them look like a match for his little brother. Yao buries his head in his hands and groans. If this Harald kid isn’t on any of these lists, it can only mean one thing.

  Whoever Leon’s bringing home will essentially be a peasant.

[literaetures]

@swainlake replied to your post: if you haven’t seen it yet you should watch...

crazy rich asians did their romantic declaration ON the plane, surrounded by strangers with inconvenient luggage situations… i’ve never realised how many romcoms have airport/plane scenes 😂😂

there’s quite a few of them! a few more off of the top of my head include: austenland, how stella got her groove back, love actually, sleepless in seattle, and even not another teen movie (which is a parody of romcoms in general)

i love seeing them so much since airports are liminal spaces and you literally have this moment of transient emotions being conveyed but also solidified in such a non-stagnant space

but also how nice would it be to see a beautiful moment in the middle of your stressful commute or journey?

[falkenscreen]

A SIMPLE FAVOR

A Simple Favor is a lot of things. It’s a thriller, a mystery and a comedy but, importantly, it is not a parody.

Watching this, and you really should stop reading this (spoiler-free) review (but keep reading) and buy a ticket before anyone ruins A Simple Favor for you, it might be tempting to compare Spy Director Paul Feig’s latest to another accomplished film that came out almost exactly four years ago.

This author is not going to name it as others have done because that’s a spoiler, but if you’re interested in what the ads are selling, which is a far cry from the finished product, you’ve almost certainly seen it and things will go click in the first half hour.

A Simple Favor has the unusual quality of three very distinct acts that could each have been part of a different film. One, an unsettling thriller with all the unease it can muster, two, a gothic mystery that serves the genre better than most avowedly morbid fare, and three, an out and out comedy the likes of which Feig is better known for.

Does it land? About 80% of the time, but that’s a triumph for possibly the most original studio film this year and one that by pure virtue of its uniquely complex tone renders itself consistently and uncommonly unpredictable.

You’ve seen these types of thrillers and their mainstays before; the suburban mum (Anna Kendrick), the glamorous blow-in (Blake Lively) and her plodding, starkly handsome husband (Crazy Rich Asians’ Henry Golding). What makes A Simple Favor appealing is that the film’s revelations, with all the self-confidence of the best and worst airport novels, are played not for dramatic effect, as if we didn’t catch on to those tried tropes several chapters ago, but for comedy.

Again, not a parody – the happenstances are not so pointed at any recent offerings in particular nor skewer anything that has so pervaded popular culture to not reckon so heavily in its own right. A Simple Favor, the producers of which cleverly retained its B-grade, nothing title, thankfully takes itself just seriously enough that it doesn’t feel the need to laugh at or be too obviously self-aware of its own proceedings, rendering the dramatic flourishes genuinely unnerving.

Among these, elements of the two leads’ pasts only hinted at and in one case ultimately made clear richly reward those, this author among them, who have patiently awaited a return to that gothic tinge which once so imbued cinema. Likewise, elements of Golding’s Professor, absent the presence of a needless line drawn from A to B, as with so many character traits on display here are gratifyingly shrouded in more than enough mystery to remain intriguing.

Lively, far and above the best part of the film, given a performance like this will no doubt have her pick of leading roles; her star power, and versatile talent as an actress, here on full display. Rupert Friend and Linda Cardellini pass by sporting two superbly idiosyncratic roles despite their fleeting appearances, while Golding, no match for those around him, still carries off his part with some aplomb. And then there’s Kendrick.

Kendrick is a supremely talented performer, though only in the fare that could possibly net her a Golden Globe in the Musical or Comedy category. The dramatic, eerier content, much of which is rested on her shoulders, is not handled nearly so well as that macabre managed by Lively or conversely the comedy propelled by Kendrick’s charisma, be it through her recurring Youtube vignettes or an outstandingly comic and equally tense sequence involving an evening dress where A Simple Favor’s tones best clash.

Relentlessly surprising and morbidly fun, A Simple Favor is one to catch.

A Simple Favor is in cinemas now

[manic-intent]

Fic: Complete at 13/13, E-Rated Overall (mostly T-Rated), Jimmy Woo x Scott Lang, Sort of Crazy Rich Asians AU, very mild spoilers for CRA, especially if you’ve been following parody trailers, spoilers for Ant Man films. Excerpt:

Jimmy looked tired through brunch and was stifling yawns in the museum. “Long day yesterday?” Scott asked sympathetically. It didn’t help that the museum was thick with people, especially tourists. Jimmy didn’t look happy in a large crowd—he’d tensed when he’d seen the queue, though he’d gotten in line anyway before Scott could say anything.

“Long week,” Jimmy said. He looked away. “I’m sorry. Think I’m awful company today. Jetlag. Had to fly off during the week with my boss and back.”

“Hey, don’t be sorry babe.” Scott tucked his arm around Jimmy’s waist, around the sleek navy blazer that he was wearing. “I’m sorry. That your job sucks.”

“I love my job. It’s just. Tiring sometimes. Really sorry.”

“Nah. I mean, sure, the paintings of a guy with an apple for a head are gonna be really cool and all, but we can come back some other time.”

“Magritte isn’t just ‘paintings of a guy with an apple for a head’,” Jimmy said. He actually sounded a little appalled, which was kinda adorable. Scott laughed as Jimmy tried to pull him in the direction of the exhibition. He chivvied Jimmy in the opposite direction instead, against the crowd. Jimmy tried to drag his heels. “We already bought tickets.”

“So what? Let’s just come back another time when you won’t fall asleep face-first into weird-ass surrealist paintings. Or. Whatever this is.” Scott peered at the closest painting to them, a large painting of what was some kind of huge-ass kiddie scrawl of two naked women. “Picasso? Huh.”

“Please tell me you’ve heard of Picasso,” Jimmy said, though he smiled. He looked at the painting and his smile faded, easing into a frown.

“See, you don’t like it either.” Scott peered at the discreet plaque beside the painting, scanning it quickly. “Donated by the Woo Family Trust.” He nudged Jimmy with his hip, grinning slyly. “Relatives of yours?”

“What?” Jimmy flinched.