#crazy how most things don’t feel real until i share them with the people who live in my phone

[lizmitches]

it’s been a little over six months since i moved from my city apartment to a little country house i barely get internet out of. six months wherein: i adopted some cows (that are currently forming a coup against me) and taught myself to use a riding lawnmower (i still get scared to lower the blade). i planted vegetables (that were promptly destroyed by rabbits) and flowers (barely hanging on after an influx of gophers). i cut my hair short (so much easier to manage) and fielded my mother’s phone calls about how much she didn’t like said haircut (not-so-easy to manage). i narrowly avoided multiple late-night car accidents at the hands (hooves?) of the local deer population.

but most importantly (well, maybe not most, considering the gathering of firewood, the potential freezing of pipes, the million other things i’ve had a quick education in) is that out here, i can see the stars. maybe, if i tried, i could have seen them six months ago. thing is, i never bothered to look.

there’s no point to anything i’m saying. just that i’ve been thinking lately (because there’s not much else to do out here), and like it or not, this site is the only diary i’ve ever been able to keep. guess i didn’t want to let the occasion pass without an entry.

anyway, if anyone needs me i’ll be out here pretending to know the constellations (i don’t, and i never will). spring is here and i’m alive (i’m alive!).

[nadvs]

Hello! Im the anon who asked for a fic with rivaly at college 😍 OMG! I love what this turned in to. You are an incredible writer!! I hope you know that. You have me hooked. You write dialog amazingly. It feels so real. Never stop writing!!

Can you write something about when she get jealous? Maybe when he is in the NBA?

Hope you have a great day!

Love from Sweden

HIII omg it’s such a good premise!! i remember being in love with it the second i read your ask 🙂‍↕️ thank you so much 💘 i’m so touched that people like the au and want more of it 🥹

based on this fic

» au masterlist

rafe can get wildly, intensely jealous. and while they often joke about how similar they are, that’s one trait she doesn’t share with him. until he gets signed and moves away.

he doesn’t have as much time for texts and calls. he’s training with his new team, working up to the season. she gets it. or at least, she tries to.

she already had unwelcome thoughts swimming in her head when he had been signed to a team states away about him getting lost in the fame and potentially being unfaithful. she never worried about him cheating before. and she hates that she’s doing it now.

but she tries to keep it in. things between them are already tense. accusing him of something just because she’s insecure isn’t fair and will likely just push him away.

then, she visits him. they share their first i love you’s. they’re in a good place.

but when the season starts, that’s another story. it’s surreal seeing her boyfriend play on tv on such a massive scale, thousands of seats surrounding the court filled. she’s so happy for him and whenever the camera focuses on him, she can tell he’s nervous and she loves that she’s the only one in the world who knows it.

but then between periods, she catches glimpses of his team’s cheerleaders before the cuts to commercial. and she can’t lie to herself that these girls are beautiful. and she wonders if maybe he already lived out the college fantasy. maybe now that he’s a professional player, he’ll have his eyes on professional cheerleaders. or really, any girl, because she’s sure he could get any girl he wants.

as the season goes on, because she likes to keep up with the nba on social media, specifically him and his team, her tiktok automatically shows her videos and edits of her boyfriend, some comments from fans about how he’s the next best thing, but most from girls going crazy over how hot he is.

it puts her into a funk. he sees gorgeous cheerleaders at every game. he gets comments on his instagram from beautiful girls. the internet is losing their mind over him. how can she possibly compare?

so, the next night she’s on facetime with him, she can’t hold it back any longer. after they talk about their days, she starts to pick at a string on her shirt, looking down.

“so…” she says. “do you ever get a chance to talk to the cheerleaders?”

rafe looks at her with knitted brows. she’s been off since she picked up the phone, seemingly mad at him. it’s not like them to not be direct.

“baby, what’s wrong?” he asks.

“nothing,” she lies. “just wondering if you ever talk to them. they’re good dancers.”

he hates the way her lips are turned into a frown, her eyes off the screen.

“i only wanna talk to one cheerleader and she’s pretending she’s not mad at me right now,” he says.

this earns a smirk from her.

“they’re all so pretty,” she says. “i’m not blind. and you’re not, either. there’s no way you haven’t noticed them.”

“i moved here to play,” rafe tells her.

“and you know girls online are going crazy for you,” she continues. “don’t act like you haven’t seen all the comments on your instagram.”

rafe studies her image on the screen.

“you know you have nothing to be jealous of, right?” he says. he hates to admit it, but it’s kind of flattering, especially because she isn’t usually the intensely jealous type. it shows him she still wants him.

she sighs. of course he sees right through her. not like she’s being subtle anyway.

“i do, though,” she says. “and maybe it’s stupid to talk about because i’m annoying you and making you feel like i don’t trust-”

“you’re not annoying me,” he interrupts. “you’re being really cute, actually.”

“cute,” she scoffs, her eyes still low.

“look at yourself on your phone,” he says. she rolls her eyes and obliges, gazing at her reflection on the screen.

“now what?” she mumbles.

“if you can’t see how beautiful you are, maybe you are blind,” he says.

“stop,” she laughs softly. “it’s not that i don’t trust you. it’s just that… it has to feel like a waste to be getting all this attention and ignoring it all because of some girl back home, doesn’t it?”

“some girl,” he echoes. “you think you’re just some girl?”

she shrugs. his chest aches.

“you’re my best friend,” he says. “i wouldn’t fuck this up for anything or anyone in the world. you’re it for me.”

her vision blurs with tears. she flattens her lips together and finally nods.

“sorry,” she says weakly.

“for what?”

“for being so jealous.”

“i already told you it’s cute,” he says. she smiles again.

“i love you, okay?” she mumbles.

“i love you, too, okay?” he teases.

they talk for another hour, then she tells him she needs to go to sleep so she’s not totally exhausted for her morning lecture. he has the day off the next day, so he stays up a bit longer on his phone after they hang up.

when she wakes up, she sees hundreds of instagram notifications on her phone. rafe posted a photo of them from the last time she visited, tagging her with the caption: All I need.

before she even gets out of bed, she’s crying. because of how good he is to her. because he’s telling the world he belongs to someone already. because she’s sure that he loves her just as much as she loves him.

[hotluncheddie]

💕🪱Wiggly Wednesday🪱💕

ty for tagging me: @runninriot @just-my-latest-hyperfixation @whimsicalwadewinstonwilson @someforeignband <3

I’ve had these worm thoughts for a while but I dunno if I'll turn it into anything. Think bc of the nuance that I would need to put in it. <|:3

But basically! I’m thinking about autistic Steve again. My lovely lovely high masking autistic Steve. Who struggles to ask for help and struggles with how much he’s allowed to share, struggles to look after himself and is still learning about his needs and his desires.

Thinking about how he’s so good at following rules, because most of the time that genuinely makes the most sense to him. It’s how he navigates the world, how he’s built his mask and scripts. How he’s kept his secrets, kept himself safe.

As long as he’s not effecting anyone else, he doesn’t need them knowing the rules he’s made, the ones he breaks and why - what that might mean. So it can be to his detriment, it can be to people please, it can be a way for him to ignore himself. But they’re also a part of him, an important part; they're all he’s ever known.

But what makes it complicated is thinking about all of that, in the context of navigating a d/s dynamic. With Eddie and him exploring that part of their sex life a little.

Because, thing is, Eddie knows how good Steve is at following rules, how willing and eager he is to be good. But Eddie’s doesn’t want to hurt him. So they would both have a lot to learn, about each other, and about communicating.

- So maybe it starts as:

‘What do you think baby? Would that be hot, you’re not allowed to cum unless it’s with my permission?’ Eddie asks, kissing over Steve’s stomach, looking up at him all sprawled out and cozy on his bed.

Steve traces the line of Eddie’s nose, lips pouting in thought. ‘Like we did the other day?’

‘Kind of, but more like, when I’m not there too. You have to wait until the next time you see me.’

Steve liked what they did the other night, Eddie going slow, teasing him a little. Telling him when to touch and when to stop and when to finish is a slow syrupy haze.

But, if Eddie’s not there. He usually likes to touch himself before bed, to help him sleep. Pretty much every night. Like, like a routine…

(And that’s the thing. Working through Steve asking for things he needs, understanding that some changes could be for his benefit. Never meant to be to his detriment. What that means for his masks and scripts and taking real care of himself. To let Eddie into the world of his rules and maybe let him make some of his own - that requires a lot of honesty, and that's scary.)

- And so maybe there's a bit of angst, some hard talks and hard truths, but then maybe it shifts into something with a bit of comfort, like:

‘How about this, we can try rules, but things that are about taking care of yourself, and we don’t have to do punishments. It’s more, like, I want you to tell me when you’re struggling Stevie, and maybe this will be something that can help.’ Eddie says, pulling Steve’s hand into his lap, connecting them.

‘You like how showering feels right? You said it makes you feel good?' Eddie waits for Steve's nod. 'Ok, so I want you to shower for me, each night, it can be quick and the same as your always do it, same with your hair.’ Eddie continues, tucking a lock behind Steve’s ear. Steve curls toward him, pulling his knees up to his chest and resting his head in Eddie’s shoulder. Not looking, but listening.

‘And it might help, you know, if you think you can’t do it but remember that Daddy’s rooting for you, yeah?’ Eddie drops his voice, speaking softly into Steve ear. ‘Daddy knows his baby likes to shower and brush his teeth before bed so that’s what I want baby to do okay?’ Eddie asks, smile blooming sweet and cocky on his face as Steve squirms, shifting himself closer, throwing a thigh over Eddie’s and seating himself in his lap. That word always makes Steve feel a little crazy. Makes him feel gooey and loved.

‘But, and this is the important part baby, if you can’t, if it’s too hard, I want you to call me okay?’ Eddie asks, linking their fingers again and looking Steve in the face, waiting for his small nod.

‘And you don’t have to use that word when you call, if you just want to call me Eddie, that’s perfect too. Or if you call and say it’s a bad night and can’t get any more words out that’s fine. I just need you to call me yeah? That’s your rule. Okay Stevie?’ Eddie finishes, shaking their joined hands and smiling when Steve gets out a little ‘okay’, looking Eddie in the eyes for a flash, smiling, leaning into Eddie’s arms, moving closer for a kiss, and another, and another.

yeah! Just ideas!! Maybe I’ll write it all down one day, but maybe not. Hehehe.

✨Tagginggggg✨ : @scoops-aboy86 @pearynice @steviewashere @devondespresso @marvel-ous-m

@wynnyfryd @wheneverfeasible @thefreakandthehair

[f1oricide]

Yan Michelangelo hc

OK so-

I literally had a thought abt this and it was so jarring and crazy I had to write abt it. Keep in mind that writing is NOT my strong suit so bare with me okay. Also for the record I don’t condone any of this stuff Irl okay, there’s a diff between fantasy and reality.

TW: dark, possessive themes, gore, blood, cannibalism, mentions of worship, nonconsensual touching (not sexual), kidnapping, delulu Mikey <3

When you guys first meet, after the initial freak out you might have, he gets attached quick

It’s love at first sight <3

Could you blame him tho? He’s socially outcasted from society ofc not-

Anything you want? You got it! He will do anything to get that thing you barely mentioned wanting, no matter what

He would definitely try budding in every time your with anybody but him

Skateboarding with Leo? He happens to walk in with a skateboard. Having a tea party with Raph? You guys look like your running out of tea, but don’t fear! Your new butler is here!

Point is, he’s fine with sharing your time because like all good things, it’s even better when shared! He just has to be there too…you don’t mind right?

Won’t mind if you get a partner…

Just don’t expect to hear from them if they have the AUDACITY to make you so much as frown-

He doesn’t need to be your center of attention 24/7, he’s a secure turtle after all. He just wants to be near you, to keep you happy and safe!

Even if you can’t tell he’s there-

He is a VERY Delusional Yandere, you can be doing the most devious, horrendous war crimes and he’ll still think your a saint, everyone else is in the wrong for being in your way

Anyone who talks bad abt you, well… you can’t waste perfectly tenderized meat can you!

Real talk for a sec, I see a lot of people hc Mikey to be a heavy worshipper but I don’t think he’d think your a GOD, going down on his knees for you, but I think he’d see you as a angel and treat you as such

How? Lots and LOTS of cuddles (even if you don’t want to), positive affirmations, and overall codling

Cutie pie, angel, sweet potato, expect lots of cheesy nicknames

Now onto the juicy stuff-

Cooking, in his opinion, is a form of ART! Something to express himself with while also sharing that experience with his loved ones

Putting so much blood sweat and tears into perfecting his craft, creating a delectable meal for all

So imagine his (not so) sudden shock when he starts fantasizing abt you…eating him…literally…

HEAR ME OUT OKAY PLEASE-

In that one meat sweats ep, he was SO DOWN TO BE EATEN, because he sees Rupert in a higher light, he’s his idol!

He put his own blood sweat and tears for you, your his everything! This is his declaration of love for you and you alone, the one dish he won’t give to anybody else

At first he felt an immense satisfaction when you chowed down on the dishes he made specially for you, the sight made his chest swell!

But soon that feeling faded, something inside him started wanting more, until it eventually became Mikey’s every waking thought, pounding against his ribs until it’s satisfied again

So he did what any rational person would do! Invite you down for a taste test! Hah you thought I would say kidnapping didn’t you?

…

Well your right, he may or may not have laced those pastries you were taste testing

“Think of it as a forever slumber party! I knew you’d be just as excited as me, can’t hold in those happy tear too huh? :’)”

He really believes you want to stay as much as he wants you to stay, doesn’t matter what you do, you’ll always be his saint, wanting to stay by his side <3

You have a specially made “room” hidden in his room, that you stay in

Has all the necessities and everything, thanks dee

He often comes by to chat, make arts and crafts, and cuddle you, he’s barely out of his room even his brothers start to worry

Can’t have his brothers believe your…”funny” jokes now huh? They’d ruin the fun!

Starts to ever so slowly try to get you to agree with his… idea

Slowly starts incorporating more meat into the meals he makes you, mentioning how turtle is a delicacy in some places- you get the idea

But in Mikey fashion, he doesn’t like to wait to get what he wants

He suddenly starts asking you strange questions from, “did you know that cute hamsters cannibalize each other? CRAZY right!?” To “have you ever wanted to know what turtle taste like..?”

Eventually his patience thins and nervously asks the big question, but you’d understand right? Ofc you would! He shouldn’t be so nervous around you!

Ofc after hearing his request you start to understandably freak out, will he want to take a bite out of you too? Is this it? You don’t want to die like this!

Don’t worry! he could never ruin perfection, your a work of art!

(He’ll be happy breaking your skin with his teeth and lapping up the blood tho)

Surprisingly, he won’t FORCE you to do it, but be prepared for his mighty persistence and requests

He’s pretty much trying to hype you up

If you cave he is OVER THE MOON

He is inside you.. LITERALLY (idk how else to phrase it don’t be weird pls-)

Constant praise and affection is what you earn while you contemplate what you had just done

If you don’t cave, he’ll start to get a bit aggressive with his hype, and starts slowly giving you less and less food you until you do it-

Before he kidnapped you he was a bit clingy, but AFTER? Attached to your hip 24/7 baby

5/10 experience, you will be scarred for life leaving you with a bad taste in your mouth. But other than that expect lots and lots of cuddles and delicious not human food!

Sorry if it’s a bit all over the place, pls lmk if I made a spelling/grammar mistake. Writing this was actually very fun, I might do more in the future until I draw again. Maybe I’ll do both!Okay thx for reading tho bye :>

-f1oricide <3

[deadassluv]

18 days until chaos theory

That trailer killed me y’all. BROOKLYNN WHEN I CATCH YOU BROOKLYNN. The way she burned their photo without caring is crazy (kinda glad she did cause they need to retake that photo) and YAZZZZZ! If something happens to Yaz I’m gonna lose ittttt, like the girl is doing better give her a break :( The Benji fight will kill me too, but I know I will a 100% be on Kenji’s side. Not that I don’t like Ben I love that stupid blue eye angel. I really need some answers about that Yaz scene cause it’s making me worry. I don’t know if the part where she’s shouting “run” to Sammy is after or before the entire situation with the Suchominus. I hope is not before cause that would mean Sammy actually ran and left Yaz alone. I really want to know more about the new character. Ngl she seems interesting. People say she might be Mae’s daughter, or Ben’s girlfriend, even freaking Darius new love interest 💀 I don’t think any of this “theory’s” (If you can call them that) are genuine. She looks like a 12-14 year old, so I don’t think she’s Mae’s daughter or nobody’s love interest.

Now the reunion…the freaking reunion. This young adults are going to need therapy after that. I know damn well the only ones who might take the situation calmly will be Yaz and Ben. Darius, Kenji, and Sammy are not gonna be okay. We already know Kenji has some anger issues, he literally seems like he was going to punch Ben during that fight, so he’s not going to be happy with Brooklynn. Darius is going to feel sad, betrayed, disappointed. My boy is going to cry, the girl he loves is literally against him. Same with Sammy, just like Darius we can tell that Sammy has suffer a lot because of Brooklyn, and knowing that Brooklyn has been hiding herself from her! And their friends will destroy her. The poor girl hallucinates Brooklynn likeeee yeah she’s not gonna be happy either, she might be mad too.

Actually can we talk about Sammy’s treatment, like what’s up??? Why is the character that cares the most for the group the one letting left behind, like the people she considers her family and her actual family abandoned her. I feel like everyone just puts her in a position that she’s not supposed to be in. Like yeah she’s still the same happy girl but her happiness is so toxic. During the fight between her and Yaz I was nothing but feeling a little disappointed towards Yaz. Don’t get me wrong Yaz’s reason wasn’t bad but abandoning your girlfriend wasn’t the best option, Sammy has problems too, they should be there for each other. And when Sammy says “You sit here and you blame me for not knowing how much you grown? But you left me in the dark, you did that!” And Yaz responds by saying “I did that” she doesn’t denies the fact that she left Sammy in the dark….that’s kind of messed up. I know they “fix” their problems later on but let’s be real…did they actually fixed anything? When everything is over Yaz is gonna want to go back to her island because at the end of season 1 she still wants them to go to her island!! even after what happened?!!

Also I better see more Kenji and Sammy duo in season 2. We didn’t get enough of them in season 1, they’re so sibling coded so I need moreeeee. Same with Ben and Yaz.

Anyways some thoughts and things I wanted to share. Are we ready for Chaos theory season two? Cause I know I am! (I will cry with the first episode)

[moonshynecybin]

PEDRENZO TOXIC RIVALRY YEARS FORCED PROXIMITY CURSE. TELL ME MORE

YAYYYY okay so. for dani and jorge it HAS to be after one of the most intense races of their lives. don’t ask me which I DO NOT KNOW ! i’ll leave it up to you to decide if one fits specifically but it was CRUCIALLY a knockdown drag out fucking fight. high effort. satisfying. one millionnnnn overtakes. and eventually they BOTH podium, and the race was so bananas —kinetic and tense and somewhere HOT— that they feel like the blood in their veins is legitimately made of GASOLINE— and they HATE each other at this point, but on days like this the space between them is also filled with this like. singular electricity that makes them feel like NOTHING else. the emotional release of a hard won battle… all of those endorphins panting shiny with sweat sticky with champagne… critical awareness of where the other is at all times, leftover from the track… and then they DO decide to shake hands on the podium and there’s. a moment. a spark. something a bit different than static electricity, but not far off. and they don’t think anything of it until after the race, when dani is about to get whisked away by honda to debrief— and jorge shouldn’t even notice when dani walks away but he DOES, he can FEEL it, and something prickles and begins to TEAR. jorge feels some deep instinctual part of himself seize up with panic, and theres a shout from dani’s direction and suddenly jorge’s body is moving without his permission and he’s got dani’s face in his hands and big brown eyes are looking up at him and they are fucking ANGRY. and it’s then that he knows something is very very veryyyyy wrong.

and off they go to the motogp doctors™️ ! who are like. yep! you’re cursed ! (magic ass universe where looney tunes shit like this occasionally happens to riders who ride the edge of rivalry a little too hard. rosquez have gods biggest storm coming for them in a few years.) so you have to stay as physically close as possible to each other for a couple of months!! it’ll hopefully pass. these curses don’t effect in track stuff really so you’re are both cleared to ride 🤗👍 and PEDRENZO are both like. you have to be FUCKING kidding me. dani sitting there picking at his fingernails COMPLETELY shut down and jorge just posture tight frown dialed to ELEVEN tiny little stormcloud over their heads :) and they’re holding hands because it’s the only way they don’t feel like live ants are under their skin :) THEN the doctor is like. and you guys should probably share a bed :)

and it’s rough at the beginning! they are both VERY stubborn and while dani remains the people’s princess i think when he was younger he had the capacity to just. shut the fuck down when he was pissed. close off. and jorge is NOT shy about how uncomfortable he is about the whole thing so he’s dialed the cuntress factor allll the way up. and there’s no quick fix! it’s just time! and dani is also SELF ADMITTED !!! not a patient person. SO i IMAGINE sitting next to jorge in bed and imagining himself attempting to suffocate in his most evilest of enemy’s tits is FUN but is also not a SOLUTION. action oriented guy methinks. loves solving a problem hates when the only solution is WAIT. so it ends up being this escalating arms race of belligerent horny tension where they’re literally living in each other’s pockets holding hands touching ankles sleeping in the same bed and being TORTUROUSLY aware of the other’s body the ENTIRE time. every SLIVER of skin contact i feels like a brand. passing dani in the kitchen reaching for cereal and jorge brushes a hand on dani’s waist to lean and he feels CRAZY. INSANE. that kind of stuff. and eventually i think dani (NOT PATIENT !) fucking snaps and just. jumps him. might as well make the fucking lemonade if you have the goddamn lemons !!

the REAL problem os after the curse gets lifted (of course. the second after they fuck.) when they are USED to each other’s presence and have begun to realize how much they COMPLIMENT each other and suspect (creeping at the edges of awareness) that this mighttttt be love. but they know the other was only around for months because they were literally cursed. and now they are free to go back to the status quo. where rivalry is expected. what do they do…

[nereidprinc3ss]

Jokes and being 'horny on main' aside I find it so fascinating how many women are drawn to both Spencer Reid and MGG. Like he's not classically handsome, in the way most macho Hollywood men are. He's softer, more poetic looking and his personality is also very unique. I think he feels safe (from what we know anyways), and there's something to be said for why women (especially younger women) go nuts for this kind of smart, goofy, caring guy who is truly weird (more so MGG than Spencer). Yet you'll still have incels on Reddit/Twitter parading the toxic alpha male shit to impressionable men and creating this vicious cycle. There was actually an interesting class I took on Romance novels and how because they're sort of an unexplored medium that hasn't been taken seriously in the cultural zeitgeist until recently it's been able to develop into a safe space for women, written by women. A lot of men call them unrealistic and yes they can lean trope-y and drama-esque but also at their core its about women reading about men that are good communicators, with decent personalities and hygiene

idk WHY he is the most visually appealing man I’ve ever seen, and idk why he has this crazy staying power for me—like normally my celebrity crushes are crazy intense for a few months and then they just disappear one day, but me and matthew are approaching our year anniversary and i see no signs of stopping lol!!

i think personality does have a lot to do with it. mgg is genuinely a weirdo like he’s a weird dude with a lot of heart and he seems really passionate about the things he does. men who care about something outside of themselves, and don’t take themselves too seriously, do tend to make me feel safer. i can’t speak for other women and obviously we don’t know him in real life but if he’s secretly an asshole he does a fantastic job of hiding it!! his sense of humor requires a kind of self awareness and awareness of other people that we don’t usually expect from famous men, and the way he speaks about and interacts w his female friends/coworkers is really amazing too.

idk, obviously we don’t actually know him and i try very much not to idolize people (especially men) who i don’t know. but he’s so funny and seems like an actually kind person who lacks some of the hangups that other male celebrities have and that make them repellant to me

also men saying romance novels are “unrealistic” need to give me a fucking break. women know that the men they read about in romance novels aren’t realistic representations of men in real life but men don’t seem to understand that porn is a fucking joke and not a realistic representation of real women. yet they hold us to those ludicrous standards all the time. until they start thinking about the porn they watch as a complete MADE UP FANTASY the way women think about romance novels i really do not want to hear it from them lmfaooo

especially when our fantasy is being treated respectfully by a good man and their fantasies include anti gravity boobs and removed ribs and viewing women as objects made for their pleasure

can you tell im mad about this…

anyway thank you for sharing your thoughts!! i completely agree<3

[longing-for-rain]

On sexual abuse, trauma, and recovery

I’ve wanted to post something like this for a long time, because of things people have said directly to me and other things I’ve seen. It strikes me how people who haven’t experienced this really don’t understand how it feels, both in the moment and in the aftermath.

The reason I finally decided to make this post is actually on a more positive note—I’m writing this just after I’ve had my first real date in years. My first real date I’ve had the courage to go on after escaping a sexually abusive situation I endured for nearly a year during the COVID pandemic. I’m writing this to say that even though what I’m talking about it going to sound bleak and disturbing, it doesn’t end there. We can still move on. I used to think I would rather die than be looked at sexually again. I didn’t even want to go out in public. But I’m sharing because no matter how bleak what I’m about to say sounds, I’m still here. We don’t have to stay trapped; we don’t have to stay silent.

I’ll put the rest below, and please, read at your own risk because I will be discussing heavy topics such as sexual abuse and the aftermath of that.

I’ve learned a lot over the past few years, but probably the most important thing I’ve learned is that the idea that recovery is quick and easy is a myth. The idea that it’s easy to get justice when you’re abused is a myth. Some people will probably get angry at me for saying this, but in all honesty, I wish I’d been warned. That’s the part I truly wasn’t prepared for—how isolated I would feel in the aftermath, and how the people and systems that promised to always support victims failed me. I’m tired of being told that it’s easy to simply report and move on. It’s never that simple.

The first time it happened, I was naïve and drunk and blamed myself. I just blocked it out. By the time it fully hit home that I’d been assaulted, it was too late. I had no evidence of the event and knew nothing would come of it if I reported it. So I didn’t. It was painful enough that it happened. I couldn’t handle also being accused of being a lying whore trying to ruin an ��innocent” man’s life for no reason. That’s how women like me are treated when we try to say anything.

That was right before COVID. During COVID, I was mostly online and that’s how I got into fandom again. I found comfort there, especially after what I’d been through, but unfortunately I repeated the same mistake I’d made the first time—I was naïve, I was somewhere unfamiliar, and way too vulnerable. Someone took advantage of that.

I don’t really want to go into details, but I was sexually groomed and abused over the course of about a year. I didn’t realize it at first, because that’s the cruel thing about grooming. When it starts slowly, you don’t realize what’s happening to you until it’s too late. I spent hours a day at times on the phone with this person. What I thought was “advice” was really just her pushing me into places (sexually) that she knew I wasn’t comfortable with. To this day I still don’t know if it was because she was interested in my sexually or if she just liked the idea of “corrupting” a much younger woman into destroying herself just like she had.

But at the time, I was blind to it. I thought it was just a toxic friendship. I felt hurt and traumatized but didn’t understand how to express why I was feeling the way I was. I didn’t yet recognize it as abuse, and even the slightest hint of that was crushed by my abuser and her friends. She knew the community better than me and how to manipulate it—how to make me look crazy for trying to come to terms with what happened. So ultimately, I simply blocked her, deleted every account I’d been associated with her on, and thought it would end there.

At the time it seemed like the best option. But later, I realized what I’d done. Those conversations were evidence, and I’d gotten rid of them all. So now I’m suffering the same fate I did the first time. I have no evidence. I have to deal with what happened, and I can’t prove it.

I did try to speak up, eventually, as many abused women do. I got a taste of why rape has a 2% conviction rate, why this is a crime that goes so often unpunished. People who barely knew the situation got involved, because they were friends of friends of the abuser. I was called things like “shit stirrer” and accused of “disrupting the community” for trying to say something. I lost friends I thought I could trust, either because they sided with my abuser or because they were too cowardly to say anything. And nobody has ever apologized for anything—not one. I’ll be honest. I seriously considered suicide multiple times and attempted once. The aftermath was even worse for me than the abuse in some ways. I was still living under the lie that as a victim, I’d have support and understanding from my community when in reality it was the opposite. Sometimes I feel like if it ever happened to me again, I would actually end my life. I don’t know if I could go through this whole process again.

So yes, that’s why it’s isolating. That’s why it’s so painful; why “just report it” is bullshit. If you haven’t been through something like this, don’t even pretend to understand. You will lose friends. You will be isolated and ostracized from communities you thought could support you. You will watch people repost essays about supporting victims on their social media turn around and blame you for your own abuse. You will watch people use sexual harassment and abuse in ship wars about fictional characters and then participate in your real life abuse. People will make fun of your sexual abuse. People will tell you your sexual abuse is hot. People will tell you that they understand, then side with your abuser anyway, after you’ve already opened up to them.

That’s the reality. Why is it this way? I don’t know. I think a lot of it is deeply ingrained misogyny, which is why I think it’s so so important to recognize and call out the misogyny intertwined in our culture and communities. It’s what creates the environment that allows this to happen and isolated victims from each other.

This is rambling, I know, but I’m getting frustrated by some of these anons spouting off about something they clearly know nothing about. Stop treating it like some easy thing that just goes away and that people actually care about sexual trauma and victims. They don’t.

[thepictureofjune]

The Tortured Poets Department of schloss einstein ; the anthology

part 1 here and now we continue except the nitpicking gets more crazy the closer you look.

Enjoy :]

The Black Dog - Ava Eilers (Staffel 27 post 1065)

I am someone who until recent events You shared your secrets with And your location, you forgot to turn it off And so I watch as you walk Into some bar called The Black Dog And pierce new holes in my heart You forgot to turn it off And it hits me I just don't understand how you don't miss me

So Ava revealed that Patrick actually really hurt her and to this day, it still seems to be something that drifts them apart yet Patrick seems like he doesn’t know anything about it, perhaps doesn’t even see it as a big thing. Yet to Ava, this was everything. (written pre 1067 btw)

imgonnagetyouback - Leon und Simon (Staffel 27 post 1066 u 1067)

Whether I'm gonna be your wife or Gonna smash up your bike, I haven't decided yet But I'm gonna get you back Whether I'm gonna curse you out or Take you back to my house, I haven't decidеd yet But I'm gonna get you back I, I hear thе whispers in your eyes I'll make you wanna think twice You'll find that you were never not mine Small talk, big love, act like I don't care what you did I'm an Aston Martin that you steered straight into the ditch Then ran and hid

this is mostly here for shigs and giggles and bcs we got a Limon l-word bomb before we got Nolin so yeah

How did it end? - Noah Temel (Staffel 27) 

And so a touch that was my birthright became foreign Come one, come all It's happenin' again The empathetic hunger descends We'll tell no one Except all of our friends We must know How did it end? (...) Say it once again with feeling How the death rattle breathing Silenced as the soul was leaving The deflation of our dreaming Leaving me bereft and reeling My beloved ghost and me Sitting in a tree D-Y-I-N-G It's happenin' again How did it end? I can't pretend like I understand How did it end?

To me, this is Noah being an outsider in the divorce of his parents, being just a child as his parents kept fighting, kept moving on and throughout all of this, he has no idea why it is happening nor how it came to an end like that.

So High School - Marlon und Nesrin (Staffel 27) 

I feel so high school every time I look at you I wanna find you in a crowd just to hide from you And in a blink of a crinklin' eye I'm sinkin', our fingers entwined Cheeks pink in the twinkling lights Tell me 'bout the first time you saw me (...) Are you gonna marry, kiss or kill me? It's just a game, but really I'm bettin' on all three for us two (...) Truth, dare, spin bottles You know how to ball, I know Aristotle

Don’t think I need to explain this one. 

I Hate It Here - Maxi Zielenski (Staffel 27) 

I hate it here so I will go to secret gardens in my mind People need a key to get to, the only one is mine I read about it in a book when I was a precocious child No mid-sized city hopes and small-town fears I'm there most of the year 'cause I hate it here I hate it here Nostalgia is a mind's trick If I'd been there, I'd hate it (...) I'm lonely, but I'm good I'm bitter, but I swear I'm fine I'll save all my romanticism for my inner life  and I'll get lost on purpose

Okay I think we’re all aware that Maxi probably hates every place she is in. Her home felt foreign and now at the school, the only reason she is there in the first place is her grandmothers treasure and it is said that as soon as that’s gone, she wants nothing more than to leave. 

thank you aIMee - Joel Lucas (Staffel 26 u 27)

And then she wrotе headlines In the local paper, laughing at each baby step I'd take And it was always the same searing pain But I prayed that, one day, I could say All that time you were throwin' punches, I was buildin' somethin' And I couldn't wait to show you it was real Screamed, "Fuck you, Aimee" to the night sky as the blood was gushin' But I can't forget the way you made me heal Everyone knows that my mother is a saintly woman But she used to say she wished that you were dead I pushed each boulder up the hill Your words are still just ringing in my head, ringing in my head I built a legacy that you can’t undo

We meet Joel as someone who would rather have success than friends, who doesn’t seem to care for other people but who also is sad whenever things don’t work out for him. Makes you wonder why, no? Why that kid came to the school not caring if he made friends. Why he always felt like an outsider in every social intersection with everyone he ever talked to. How such a kid went from not caring about other people to doing everything he could to keep his best friend. (need to get started on that joel analysis already I have too many thoughts about him)

The Prophecy - Mikka Lund-Mayr (Staffel 26 u 27)

Change the prophecy Don't want money Just someone who wants my company Let it once be me Who do I have to speak to About if they can redo the prophecy? Cards on thе table Mine play out like fools in a fablе Oh, it was sinking in Slow is the quicksand Poison blood from the wound of the pricked hand (...) And I sound like an infant Feeling like the very last drops of an ink pen A greater woman stays cool But I howl like a wolf at the moon And I look unstable Gathered with a coven 'round a sorceress' table A greater woman has faith But even statues crumble if they're made to wait I'm so afraid I sealed my fate No sign of soulmates I'm just a paperweight in shades of greige Spending my last coin so someone will tell me it'll be okay

Mikka is canonically lonely if I may remind you of that. He doesn’t have his best friend anymore and somehow even when he tries to become friends with Reena again, it doesn’t really seem to last all that long (also because the writers literally forgot about him but yeah). All he has is his inventions. 

The Bolter - Simon Reuter (Staffel 27) 

By all accounts, she almost drowned When she was six in frigid water And I can confirm she made A curious child, ever reviled By everyone except her own father With a quite bewitching face Splendidly selfish, charmingly helpless Excellent fun 'til you get to know her Then she runs like it's a race Behind her back, her best mates laughed And they nicknamed her "The Bolter" (...) She's been many places with Men of many faces First, they're off to the races And she's laughing, drawin' aces But none of it is changin' That the chariot is waitin' Hearts are hers for the breakin' There's escape in escaping

Simon is wasted potential on all accounts because you’re really going to tell me he is proud and fine and happy with all the trophies he wins? That there isn’t mayhaps the need to always succeed because it’s what is expected of him? And he seems like he likes every girl at the entire school but cannot pull any of them simply because? Not because maybe he is trying to find the one that makes sense, the one girl that maybe makes him feel a little better about himself, because love is supposed to reveal our true selves and Simon has always been someone else his entire life? 

(i’m trying to give him the depth that the writers failed to bcs wdym he is just some guy who likes sports and girls?) (update nach 1066: nvm I think they really just gonna leave him with being everyones no.1 nuisance)

Robin - Chiara Dorn (Staffel 24 und alle danach eig auch)

Buried down deep And out of your reach The secret we all vowed To keep it from you in sweetness (...) You got the dragonflies above your bed You have a favorite spot on the swing set You have no room in your dreams for regrets The time will arrive for the cruel and the mean You'll learn to bounce back just like your trampoline But now we'll curtail your curiosity In sweetness

This song references a lot of childish demeanor or behavior that is only known for children, trying to keep the illusion of innocence alive for someone who is too sweet to learn about all the cruelties of the world. For me, this is Chiara.

And we're done. (and now we can get back to over-analyzing kids that aren't actually sad but could very well be!)

— june🪐

[manicjk]

Small Town Crazy ~ A Jensen Ackles RPF ~

Pt. 1

A/N: I posted a rough draft of this, but it's been years since I've written anything. The characters and places are mostly just OCs.

~~~~~~

June 17, 

  “No, man. Does it ever get less intimidating?” Jensen asks, as he sips lightly from the glass he held. He had agreed to meet up with his friend Steve, who was staying in Nashville again. They had played a show the night before, but split right after, so he could rest after flying in from a convention in Nevada, 

Steve laughed in response, then answered, “ I can lie and tell ya yes, but we both know better. Probably doesn’t help to be exhausted.” 

Jensen had always been a nervous performer, or rather person in general; and it definitely didn’t add any steel resolve that he hadn’t had so much as a night’s rest before their show. He admittedly always channeled his inner Dean Winchester when he felt nervous or tired, he knew he would push through easier that way. He did feel much better after the hot shower, complimentary breakfast (no, he would never turn down a free complimentary breakfast, obviously), and a good 6 hour sleep. 

The men shared another laugh, but Jensen had needed to speak to his friend seriously. The comment had only reminded him, “Speaking of, I was meaning to talk to you about what’s going on. Really what i’d like to work on, run it by you, just see how you feel about it.” 

“Yeah, no problem, man. What’s up?”

“Well, Nevada was the last of our conventions, at least for now, I don’t have anything lined up to work on, and as you so kindly pointed out- I am a little buffered,” he chuckled, but they both knew it was a serious conversation, “I didn’t know what I was going to do before we started the trip, but I did know I wanted to try to focus on something a little different. I didn’t re-sign my lease in Austin. I’m supposed to go look at an apartment complex in Rockford.” 

“Okay, that’s about an hour from here, but your friends and family are back in Texas, that’s a big move, man.” 

“It is, but flying to see them isn’t such a big deal. I really think just being in small town life for a minute, giving it a try might help me get back to myself.” He really hadn’t had that, he grew up in a decent sized city, and had stayed busy most of his life. It can be taxing to always try being other people, especially when you do it for so long that your lives seem to blend. That, and that living in Austin, as notorious as it was to be recognized there, it left even less time to have a day off. 

“Sure, sure. You know I support you, and I know you wouldn’t even try it if it wasn’t something you thought you needed to do. What are you gonna do?”

“I would like to work on writing some music, maybe explore a few hobbies, just decompress.” 

“Well, I don’t really have much to do until later tomorrow night. If you need a partner, i’m down to go check out the place with you. Have you been looking at other places, there a reason you’re gunning for that one?”

“I’d really appreciate that. I looked at a lot actually, in a lot of places, but the views there are real nice, good trails, it seems quaint, but the place doesn’t look bad. The agent I got in touch with said it could be reserved, booked the day, and said if I decide to go with it, we could start with the paperwork whenever.”

“In that case, I think we ought to turn in our glasses and try for some sleep before we make the drive, what do you say?” Steve would back Jensen, they were friends. He didn’t think it would be bad for him to reconnect with himself anyway, afterall, he enjoyed getting back to a peaceful place and working on music too. 

–

When Jensen turned in that night, he couldn’t help but feel a bit less tension in his shoulders. He was excited to explore a new chapter of his life. 

~~~~

She was just packing away her things, getting ready to leave the factory where she worked. Her clothes were caked in grease and dirt. It had been a rather long day, she felt exhausted, and still she had responsibilities awaiting her at home. 

“Hey did you hear what Jason did?” Gia, her co-worker, and ever energetic drama queen asked. Gia was always finding Noel at the end of the night, filling her in on anything and everything happening almost anywhere within the building. It was the most human interaction she had.

“I definitely did not,” she laughed,Gia was dramatic, but she was about the closest thing to a true friend she’s ever had. 

“Well, apparently when Mitch -the supervisor on line one- came in he saw Jason with Amy! Like, completely all over each other on the line. It was so gross-” she didn’t mean to zone out, but she knew Gia wouldn’t notice, and also that she knew how busy Noel was. Noel found herself picking back up on the tail end of her rant about their romping co-workers, “-but we can talk about that later. Oh my god, I totally didn’t even realize, I forgot my gear on the line. Love ya, later chick!”

“For sure, can’t wait! Be safe leaving. See you tomorrow.” Noel was anxious to leave. She almost ran to her black Ford, like it was a life raft. 

She pulled off her protective glasses, and face mask, throwing them into her door bin with a sigh. Tugging her short dark hair from its bun, she started her car and touched the dial on her radio; her hands were grimey, but it was normal. “Calling You” blared through the speakers, she had a good 30 minute drive home, and all she wanted to do was roll down her windows and enjoy the June breeze through her car. She wanted to feel the wind blow her locks around and hear the radio blare. 

Seeing mile markers and road signs getting closer to what she had called home for as long as she could remember; she turned down the long gravel drive, the grass patch growing between the worn tracks, a stark contrast to the concrete and asphalt she had been on moments ago. A long black wooden fence showed through to cattle, and her dogs followed along the fence row.

She got out making sure to give her pets some attention, not bothering to go toward the divided house, but rather straight toward the barn behind it. She flipped on the lights, and got ready to do what she needed to there. 

In all her chores, she had managed to forget that her realtor had mentioned someone coming to look at the vacancy tomorrow.

[transpersian]

Deep Cover

(copied from my twitter thread)

Alright. I got my unhinged time. Back to being regulated and strategic.

Apologies for my manic state over the past couple of days. For the past 2.5 months, I leaned into my most subservient, self-hating, self-blaming state from my past to make her feel in control.

It broke me.

I’m not here to hash out my history of trauma, but let’s just say I’m used to being in survival mode. I let the part of me that still felt for her grow like a weed, trying to carefully prune it so it didn’t overtake everything else. I gave her that power with careful limits.

The guilt I felt was real; I don’t want to do this. I want her to stop. But until she does, it’s necessary.

Alongside my love, the dissonance of guilt led to many, many breakdowns. I have friends who sat with me for hours in those calls as I lamented what Poppy could have been.

Add the additional stress of my strained trust and relationships with friends, including a half dozen that cut ties completely.

Add the viciousness people constantly spit at me anonymously on Tumblr.

Add my whole-ass personal life, which is its own nightmare of complications.

This has been hard, especially because I didn’t expect it to last more than two weeks. Especially when Poppy genuinely started to trust me. Defend me against her friends. Against Zena.

She promised she wouldn’t abandon me again and she didn’t. That’s particularly potent w/ BPD.

I still handled things.

Part of me worried that if she offered to run away from all this with me, I would’ve been tempted. People would finally be safe from her and I’d be in the toxic relationship of my nightmares.

But my principles kept me true. My love for Hela kept me true.

To help keep those feelings in check, I’d regularly read back through the documentation I was still working on. Especially Spawn’s screenshots.

I’ve literally worked myself to tears dozens of times to keep focus on what I’m fighting for.

Was this healthy? Nah.

But it worked.

I don’t need everyone to agree with what I did, or how. I just hope everyone at least sees that it’s not something I just do casually. This was a dark art, learned from many years of surviving people like PZ. I had to break this shit out like John Wick’s buried stash.

I was deeply uncomfortable with how good I was at it. I started to feel bad about it a few weeks in. I used that guilt to feed into my facade. The lines began to blur more and more.

I wasn’t going to betray my people, but I started to lose it for a while. Actual derealization.

I did accomplish useful things in there, but I can’t share them for fear of endangering them. Just know that I’d do it all over again. It was worth it.

I have a wonderful support network. Beyond just trauma bonding, I love these people. I trust them with my life.

But that last push, that desperate series of attempts to get Poppy to accept even one tiny bit of responsibility… that broke me.

Her saying that my love for her wasn’t real unless I betrayed my friends? That hurt. Telling her that she’d destroyed me and her “I don’t care?” God.

I leaned into the crazy on that last conversation because, frankly, I wanted to. I wanted to let all of the rage and fury and madness that I’d felt over all of this out.

Not just what she’d done to me. Everyone. Dozens.

And it felt good, y’all. It felt good to get theatrical.

So when I finally came out of it… that energy carried over.

I became the crazy ex-girlfriend they said I was, just for a bit. My strikes were still pointed, but yeah, I dove into the vibe.

Sorry about that.

It’ll take time to heal properly, but I’ll be okay. Survived worse.

Point being, I just wanted to make a statement discussing my recent behavior. I’m not proud of it, but I don’t regret it.

I’ve been so controlled with my emotions about all of this for so long. Please forgive me this indulgence.

I went under right before people started finally listening. It was kind of intoxicating to say things publicly and finally get so much support and visibility.

But if I’m going to continue being a prominent voice in this whole debacle, I need to be better, and I will be.

I am.

So… back to work. Back to healing.

Thank you for trusting me. It means the world.

It’s so fucking good to be back. 💜

[palalabu]

i have a question if you don’t mind answering. i only started following f1 earlier this year and what happened yesterday was mind blowing. seeing two former teammates help each other to a win, when drivers on the same team only care about themselves, driving faster than their teammate, beating their teammate, their teammate being the one they have the most competition with and then the idea of even helping someone on a completely different team, your rival, is probably most likely very unheard of!

all the official accounts tweeting, posting “carlando” - is that something that has been done before?? i don’t know if it’s because they know the posts will gain engagement and i know everyone jokes about carlando and there was the dts episode, but has this ever happened with a driver pairing before? i know f1 and the teams have had their fair share of bromances but this just seems crazy to me!!???

so i took sabatical since seb domination era. so i missed the whole brocedes era, and you guys need to let me in if they used to hyped up their bromance or not back then, before it all came crash and burn ofc. I'm just gonna preface this with that bc i think they were the only one that was known to be carlando level close.

so, there's this thing called liberty media, right. before they took over f1, f1 was simply put boring. it tried to be exclusive, and only for rich men who could afford rolex was the image they were trying to have. there was even a time where bernie ecclestone (the holder of f1 rights, the FOM basically) didn't allow the drivers to have twitter (but still they had it back then). so it was a very different treatment altogether before liberty media took over.

now, i started to follow f1 again in dec 2019. so yes, I missed all the actual carlando moments real time and had to catch up big time. and I was surprised to see how the media treated them. the interview with simon lazenby, the german tv asked them "who's the bride between the two of you". that was wild to me. this is official, major broadcasting stations. all I know was that f1 shipping used to be well kept in fandom spaces like LiveJournal (I wasn't even on f1blr back then).

but i think they (the media, team, and carlando themselves) didn't really use the term 'carlando' until around 2020, even late 2020 I guess. so i feel like things even escalate since then?

So anyway, it's just a different time that we're in. back then, social media was not used as much, so teams and media didn't have to keep creating viral posts. red bull was the most fun team you guys! and probably the only one who created content? f1 in general wasn't as popular as it is after DTS, so again, there were less people to entertain and I guess f1 had a more serious image.

and i mean ofc even back then there were drivers who were close friends, but I don't think the media paid too much attention to it. the only "pair" that I can recall being publicly known or like constantly linked up to each other was massa and his engineer, rob smedley, especially after the whole 'felipe baby' radio (just google it). but other than that I can't think of anyone else. like I know seb and kimi used to be really close when they were neighbors, but they were in different teams, so i don't remember they were doing features with the two of them or anything like that.

[asherlockstudy]

So I’ve always debated with myself if I thought that they have always been together in some way or another and have just hid it all these years and did what was expected of them and got married and had kids. I’ve recently started watching all of the old episodes which kinda made me lean toward that. The way that they would over correct things was just like why are you even correcting that there was notbjng “weird” like me who “over analyzes” everything didn’t think it was questionable. Why are you? Lol. And then also early episodes when they would talk about the kids they always seemed to make it like all 5 were theirs. Even after the usual specifying that they have kids with their very separate wives.

But then I watched the plexiglass kiss episode and wow links reaction to that is crazy. I definitely don’t think that it was something that had ever happened before that moment but also definitely something that he had thought about.

I was trying to find a particular gifset to show you but as usual, I gave up on it. It is a pre-GMM gifset, you may have seen it, where it’s young Rhett and Link and Rhett has this sour expression on his face and tells Link: “Don’t touch me. On my knee. Please.” and Link replies: “Well I didn’t do it on purpose”

This is very telling about how on edge they used to be, particularly Rhett. Of course, I bet this was in public, where they had to prove what straight macho men they were. There is however also a moment in that live-with-audience old GMM they did in which Rhett described the frequent incidents of sleeping in the same bed when travelling with many friends and sharing hotel rooms. He said that most people expected them to be the ones to sleep together and, note, he said: “and I guess we did nothing to stop it”. Of course he could mean that they were comfortable enough with each other that they didn’t mind doing that.

But if we take into consideration how uptight they were in other occasions about much simpler things, I think the actual reason is different.

Rhett and Link never objected to bed-sharing because a) they had the blessing of the others and b) there was no risk of instinctively escalating the situation because there were more people in the room. So they felt safe to sleep together without judgement and without fearing something “sinful” might happen. And of course Rhett also said how he automatically went into “log mode”, not moving, not breathing, hardly even sleeping at all, which he probably said to prove how uncomfortable he felt, except this is when you are uncomfortable because you dread you will get it up at any moment. Link on the other hand slept with “reckless abandon”, meaning that the moment he was getting sleepy and his inhibitions and defences fell, his body instinctively inched close to Rhett and spooned him. Which kinda explains why Rhett couldn’t sleep due to the dread lol.

They were obsessed with wrestling because it was an opportunity to touch and press on each other while appearing as manly men doing manly things.

They had a limit of what could be done in the presence of others and in their privacy until it reached the point of being inexcusable. As long as they had an excuse for it, they did it. If something inexcusable threatened to happen, they overcorrected with aggressiveness and acting macho or emotionally constipated.

I don’t think they had a relationship because they indeed followed the expectations of their faith, except for those acts, as aforementioned, which they had a way to call different from what they were.

But here’s the thing. I have a pet peeve, that notion that they are “idiots” who don’t realise they are in love. Ehm… that just doesn’t happen… or it is super rare anyway. There are things you sense or feel when you are in love or lust. How could this be misinterpreted for decades of close friendship?! Especially in men, there are unmistakeable signs in their physicality that can betray sexual interest and, let’s be real, Rhett has managed to hoist the flag in GMM, while filmed, in front of thousands and his employees at least twice. All I am saying is he is very physically responsive and as the hormone-crazed teenager he was, well, if, IF he was into Link, then things would happen that would make it unquestionable to him.

For this and many other reasons it would take me ages to mention in their entirety, I think they knew or suspected there was more between them. But they had a silent pact to just ignore it forever. I also think Rhett was the one blocking out the questionable incidents most of the time and Link repressed himself for the sake of Rhett’s friendship, out of fear of not losing him entirely. But I also think that this is also one of the reasons they remained close friends for so long - they were addicted to the fact that it felt like something reciprocal was going on between them while they simultaneously felt safe enough that nothing “bad” would actually happen. It was that good old “push and pull” or “hot and cold” if you will, that was so invigorating in their relationship.

Until Rhett, based on that very same principle, decided to kiss Link through plexiglass in front of millions. He felt safe enough to do it. Except apparently Link eventually said “you know, Rhett, and Jesus, enough is enough” (as hinted in his diary entry after the plexiglass kiss, which he has READ to us) and Rhett had not built strong enough defences against Link’s newfound determination.

[zukkaoru]

okay okay okay how about... (imma give some options)

lucy & akutagawa + "here's the thing about a barbecue..."

kenji & elise + "you don't need the sun to keep you warm when you've got arms"

kajii & tachihara + "come on, get dressed, you're my date to the meeting tonight!"

john & nathaniel + "i am only one man's guy, and that man i jesus christ"

naomi & kunikida + "i get it, you're angry! believe me, i know what it's like, but you're making a mistake!"

nokilao & jun'ichirou + "all the best people are crazy"

hello beloved <3 i offer you: all of them <3

“Here’s the thing about a barbeque,” Lucy starts, and that’s really all it takes for Ryuunosuke to regret agreeing to come to the Agency’s celebratory cook out for defeating whatever evil they were up against this time. “It brings folks together. From all walks of life.” “What does that even mean?” Ryuunosuke grumbles. Lucy scoffs, crossing her arms. “It means that the good vibes of a nice barbeque are the only reason I haven’t trapped you in Anne’s Room yet.” “I would slice off your arms before you could manage such a feat,” Ryuunosuke assures her. “I don’t even need my arms for that!” Rashoumon rises out of Ryuunosuke’s coat, slowly, just for the threat. Unfortunately, Kenji chooses that moment exactly to plop himself down between Ryuunosuke and Lucy, and Rashoumon retracts on instinct. “We had barbeques all the time back in Ihatov! And you’re right, Lucy-san—they’re really something special.”

send me a sentence + a ship (romantic or platonic) and i'll write the next five(ish) sentences (the rest of these ones are under the cut)

-

“You don’t need the sun to keep you warm when you’ve got arms,” Kenji says. “My mom told me that once, when there was a really bad blizzard back in Ihatov. We don’t have electricity there, so we had to rely on other things like blankets and [fireplaces] and sharing body heat. But I think maybe it can apply to your situation too.”

Elise looks up at him through watery eyes. “I’m not locked inside,” she argues. “I can go out into the sun whenever I want.”

Kenji laughs, but it’s not a mean sound. “I don’t mean the real sun. I mean metaphorically. The sun in your heart. Just ‘cause you’re not made like the rest of us doesn’t mean you can’t still feel the warmth of friendship!” From his pocket, he procures a wildflower and tucks it behind Elise’s ear. Somehow, it feels like one of the most genuine displays of kindness Elise has ever been subject to.

Maybe because she knows Kenji’s actions aren’t born of fear or obligation. He isn’t part of the mafia; he doesn’t have to be nice to her.

But he is. Like he wants to be Elise’s friend.

-

“Come on,” Michizou says, grabbing Kajii’s arm and dragging him up from where he’d previously been lounging on the couch. “Get dressed, you’re my date to the meeting tonight.”

“Why?” Kajii grumbles. He reaches for his bottle of lemon soda, but Michizou continues dragging him towards the door before he can grab it. “I don’t go on these sorts of missions; it’s not in my job description!”

“Yeah, well, Gin got assigned something more important last minute, and no one else is available. So I’m stuck with you.”

Kajii pouts.

Michizou rolls his eyes. “The Boss said there’s going to be free refreshments. Including lemonade.”

Immediately, Kajii’s entire demeanor changes. His face lights up, and Michizou no longer has to drag him around because he picks up the pace until he’s moving faster than Michizou. “Well, you should have started with that! Give me five minutes and I’ll be set to go!”

-

“I am only one man’s guy,” Nathaniel growls, “and that man is Jesus Christ.” He pushes past John, who drops the flirtatious expression from his face. It had been a dare from Mark anyway, and he’s just going to count the fact that Nathaniel didn’t immediately stab him as a win.

Still, John has always liked to make a game of pressing his luck.

“Weird,” he comments, tapping his chin with one finger. “I mean, I knew Dostoyevsky had a Jesus kinnie thing going on, but I thought we all understood he’s not actually the Son of God.”

Nathaniel doesn’t respond; he simply slams the door shut behind him.

-

“I get it!” Kunikida calls out, raising his voice over the roar of the wind. “You’re angry—believe me, I know what it’s like. But you’re making a mistake!”

“He hurt my brother!” Naomi shouts back. She has the ability user pinned to the ground, one foot on his chest, as she aims a gun at his head. “You could never understand that. You don’t know the fear of losing your sibling!” There is a dangerous fire in her voice—one Kunikida knows he shouldn’t argue against.

He isn’t sure he has an argument anyways. She’s right; he doesn’t have a sibling, and so he’ll never truly know what it’s like. But what he does know is—

“You may be right. But listen to me, Naomi-chan. When your anger disappears—when the adrenaline rush ends and all that rage dissipates… Do you want to be left with grief and regret, or do you want to be left with relief?”

-

“All the best people are crazy!” Nikolai laughs as he says it, twirling his cane around in his hands. There’s a dangerous gleam in his eyes that should make Jun’ichirou run, as far and as fast as he can. But…

“Are you insinuating I’m crazy too?”

“Well,” Nikolai’s smile stretches wider, showing off sharp teeth, “you did seek out my assistance, did you not? To go so far, to put your faith in someone who helped frame you as a terrorist and attempted to kill your coworker and friend, all for the sake of someone who might not even be alive? Tell me, Tanizaki-kun, does that not sound a little crazy to you?”

It does, when Nikolai puts it like that. Jun’ichirou can’t deny it.

“Fine,” he agrees. “Maybe I am crazy, I don’t care. I’ll do whatever it takes to get my sister back.”

Nikolai cackles gleefully. “I was hoping you’d say that!”

[book51ut]

TW: abuse/ sexual assault

Ok im chronically on TikTok and very invested in the Brooke/ Clinton Kane thing for more than just spectatorship reasons. First of all all of the people who have moved from “Brooke’s side” to “Clinton’s side” after he posted his 20 something part story I am so envious of because they have never been in an abusive relationship. When I was 16 I was in an abusive relationship and EVERYTHING that happened echos exactly what it was like for me, it is textbook abuse. Ugh there’s so much I want to say this is going to be disorganized.

I think that part of the reason that people don’t come forward with abuse is because they are ashamed of the way they acted in response to their abuse. Crazy behavior begets crazy behavior, and when someone is psychologically abusing and torturing you and you just take it, you’re not in the best headspace and you often say and do things that are not the nicest, kindest, most responsible ways to act or respond. And it’s embarrassing. Especially if you’re not a narcissist and have a soul and empathy like most survivors of abuse do (and most abusers lack). Abusers prey on low self esteem and they cause you to act in ways that lower your self esteem. I’ve said cruel things, done cruel things. I’m not proud of it. But as I’ve gotten older and dealt with the trauma of that relationship and the impact it still has on me today, I’ve realized that it is nearly impossible to respond to insanity with clarity. I’m not a saint, above it all. I’m a human being who was being abused. I responded in kind. That doesn’t mean that it was just “toxic all around” or that I was “equally as abusive.” I think people say things like that when victims/survivors of abuse don’t respond to it “perfectly.” But all that does is shift some of the blame from the victim to the survivor.

The second thing is like a lot of people don’t talk about abuse because it can be REALLY hard to realize that abuse is happening. It is small things, even individual phrases, that compound and create something sinister. And it can take years to process and unpack it all. I didn’t realize I was sexually assaulted until 3 years after, when I woke up and randomly just remembered it. I know The Body Keeps the Score is such a cliche book but it literally does. Your body makes you forget things. Part of the reason I don’t talk more about the abuse I endured is because I have forgotten, remembered, and reforgotten it. Trauma fucks with your memory. Brooke doesn’t remembered that he got stopped by the cops going to vs from Joshua Tree. And all of a sudden not remembering that detail throws suspicion on her claim. That’s fucking trauma. Manipulators are especially good at pointing those inconsistencies out, shifting the blame off of them, and furthering your OWN feeling of insecurity and feelings of “craziness” that your abuser planted in your head.

I didn’t watch his million part thing because it was so triggering for me. It reminded me SO much of what I experienced 7 years ago, with similar wording. It is really truly amazing how many women go through TEXTBOOK emotional abuse. This is something I only learned during this seven year journey of healing. This was something that was pointed out online but it is really so true- some many women experience this abuse and so many people start to “change sides” because they just don’t realize how common this truly is. And they don’t realize how common this truly is because women are shamed and discouraged from sharing their stories. They are called gossips, dramatic, obsessed, and “yappers.” Men discourage women from forming these networks by pitting us against each other with these words and the connotations behind them.

I’m really only scratching the surface on these thoughts, but obviously my commentary on this has no real practical value.

I hope Brooke is able to find some peace, and that Clinton rots in hell for abusing these women and sending his mother to an early grave.

[detransition]

from permutational

“I never knew a woman like you could exist, so how could I even dream of you before I knew you?”

My wonderful girlfriend wrote this to me in her most recent love letter. She was writing about the concept of a “dream woman”, and how she wasn’t sure what hers would look like or be like until she met me. But, I can’t stop thinking about it, because this one little phrase captures something big about the butch lesbian experience, something I’ve had a hard time putting words to. It also captures realizations I’ve gone through after detransitioning.

It’s almost a “ring of keys” kind of thought. But I love how it highlights the relationship between knowing and dreaming. What you’re aware of influences what you can dream about, what you can aspire to. What you know informs the possibilities of who you can be and love at your core.

Back a few years ago, when my crisis was was coming to a head and I decided to detransition, I felt lost. I craved an “undo” button that didn’t exist. All I knew was where I’d already been, only there was no going back. I couldn’t envision what my future might look like, especially with how far I’d gone in transitioning. I couldn’t imagine that I’d ever “live as a woman” again; I felt “too far gone”. It didn’t seem like the concept of “womanhood” could encircle me as I was. When was the last time I saw a woman that looked like me? Oh yeah, never – that was the original goal, after all.

In that moment, when I didn’t know what to do, I went with my gut: the very first thing I did was make a beeline straight to YouTube. Probably sounds a little strange, but looking back, it makes sense to me. I was searching for possibilities, for people, for stories. I wanted direct evidence that someone like me can exist, because I felt very unreal.

I looked up ‘detransition’, and there they were. Not many at the time, but enough. There were people with deepened voices, facial hair, mastectomies, bodies and histories like mine, unmistakable. And yet, they called themselves women, some even called themselves lesbians.

I watched and listened, and it didn’t matter what they were talking about; I didn’t even agree with everything they said. What mattered was that they existed. They were real.  Some of these women passed as male, but didn’t seem pressed to change themselves any further or in any way, and still emphatically called themselves women. It was mind blowing to me, and comforting. Knowing that I wouldn’t be the first or only one like this was a relief. It gave me courage, made me feel a little less crazy. It felt like I could move forward knowing that I’m not utterly alone in this experience.

And later on, I actually met these women, and others like them. Women with different ideas and opinions, not all of whom agreed with one another, or used the same words, or understood themselves in the same way. Regardless of differences, they had experiences in common with each other, and with me.

Each strange woman I’ve met has broadened the possibilities of what a woman can be, and what kind of woman I can be. Spending time with other uncommon women has fundamentally changed me at my core. There is something they gifted me that I don’t have words for. Something that came from seeing, hearing, and sharing space. Knowing by witnessing.

My beard carries memories of the bearded women I’ve met and loved; when I look in the mirror, I see part of them in me. My head is bald because I met other women who were bald first, and through them got the courage to take the plunge and buzz it all off and never look back. My voice is stronger from singing with others who embraced their changed voices. I don’t have the shame and embarrassment about my voice that I did before.

Every single part of my body carries the memories of other women like me. Detransitioned women, butch dykes young and old, friends, lovers… My opinion of myself and what I can be has fundamentally changed because of the possibilities I’ve seen in other women.

I never knew women like us could exist. But I know now, and I dream of us often.

thinking of detransition? you are not alone