#cranberry glop

[kieyul]

Recipe for Cranberry Glop This wonderful Thanksgiving side dish, which my aunt Joan first brought to the table more than ten years ago, is a source of contention in my family. It's the only thing I've discovered that will persuade even the most ardent fan of canned cranberries to support fresh berries. 1/3 cup all-purpose flour, 3 cups coarsely chopped peeled apples, 3 cups fresh cranberries, 1/2 cup chopped pecans, 1/2 cup butter, 3/4 cup white sugar, 1 cup rolled oats, 1/2 cup dark brown sugar

[bryanangeline]

Cranberry Dessert - Cranberry Glop My family fights over this great Thanksgiving side dish that was first brought to our table by my Aunt Joan more than ten years ago. It's the only thing I've found that will convert even the most die-hard canned cranberry eater to a fresh berry advocate.

[sovereignsolace]

The canned goo is fine, but by choosing it, you deny yourself the second-best part of cranberry sauce: exploding berries.

Now of course, the first-best part is sharing it and eating it, as the glop is both delicious and healthy.

Buy a bag of whole cranberries, wash them, put them in a pot with modest amounts of water and sugar. Stir them as they heat, and they burst. It's very satisfying. The little explosions aren't usually enough to make a mess, but you'll see the spatter high in the pot and maybe on the stovetop.

Pop! Pop! Pop! I've never roasted chestnuts on an open fire (the chestnut blight was well before my time), but these experiences are worthy of song.

And they look out so hard for the well being of the spiders AND the dolphins

[monthlyarterguss]

Cranberry Glop My family fights over this great Thanksgiving side dish that was first brought to our table by my Aunt Joan more than ten years ago. It's the only thing I've found that will convert even the most die-hard canned cranberry eater to a fresh berry advocate.

[ritacaroline]

A New Series

By ritacaroline

Quips n Blips to Ponder

Episode 5

What will we be doing for the holidays ??

Thanksgiving has just passed. So how did we do ?

What food items were available at your Thanksgiving table ?

1. Turkey

2. Glazed Ham

3. Stuffing (please indicate what type)

a. Bread cube - (preferably from our friends at Pepperidge Farm. )

b. Corn bread stuffing

c. Sausage and bread stuffing.

d. Oyster Stuffing ( for the aphrodisiac lovers. )

e. None - instead, we like crescent rolls. ( that ones mine - no you ate 3 already. Mom ? Do you see him ?) Poppin fresh open a new tube Please.

4. Cranberry sauce

a. Fresh made from real cooked cranberries. ( wow, is your mom Martha Stewart ? Or Betty Crocker ? Circle just one )

b. Canned. Fresh outa the Oceanspray can. ( when it lands with a plop onto a plate - you see impressions of the can ridges all over the glob. ) The shiny glistening glob. That's the true sign of a fresh can of gelled sugar. Bon appetite.

5. Green bean casserole mush w mushroom soup glop. OMG. Gag me w a spoon. Pardon me please while I hurl.

6. Lasagna ? Yep. Some people do this. Not a bad idea.

7. Creamed onion pearls. Hmm. I don't think so. But ok.

8. Mashed sweet potatoes w marshmallows ? Diabetic kamikaze ? ( 10 points off for poor spelling )

9. Gravy. Yes. To be created by only experienced cooks please. This task is not for you if you're wishy washy about cooking. In that case you have little chance of success. And you will be off to Thanksgiving jail. Yes - it exists. Yes - it's awful. Imagine hordes of people wandering about aimlessly in the style of night of the living dead. Holding metal stirring whisks in the air while looking zombie ish in a tie back apron and chefs hat.

(So - get out the hand held submersion blender or die. ) If you don't know what that item is - give up now.

Or just buy a few cans of gravy. Voila. Magic.

10 Pumpkin pie. No comment.

How did you feel after eating said meal ??

1. Ok. Not bad.

2. Little tummy trouble. But I'll live.

3. Problems best portrayed by video of Mt Vesuvius erupting. :

4: I spent the day after thanksgiving praising the porcelain God. On my knees.

10. And how do you plan on celebrating Thanksgiving next year ?

a. Run for my life

b. Eat at the diner.

c. Make pb&js. And call it a day.

d. Bribe Martha Stewart to

provide a home visit.

e. I will be on a food fast that day.

For religious reasons.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day

Be sure to have the lemon lime flavored alka seltzer available in your cabinet. For the morning after you have over done it with the booze. That fizzy shit will be your best buddy.

Did you get all the toys you need ? If not - expect crying and tantrums. From you. For being negligent.

Did you put that crap together ? Assemble the toys that need that ?

Batteries ?

Yes

No.

I'm a dumbass. Expect crying and tantrums.

Do not walk about while barefoot. If you have purchased Legos. For the young ones. You will be damn sorry if you step on a few. It's very confusing why this form of weaponry has not been deployed in times of war. Way less costly than missiles and air to ground combat.

Do not steal this idea under severe penalty of the law ! Do you promise ?

During times of international conflict and war, simply hide the enemy's shoes. Secretly. Then shhh. Sprinkle lego pieces all over the grounds outside their tents and/ or quarters. Then watch them emerge and slowly but surely - they will be rendered unable to walk due to the steppage onto-age of afore mentioned Legos. That's a military term. Thus rendered unable to defend their territory in a painful surrender. And a sad day shall be bestoweth upon them. ( ? ) official quote from the victors, " It was the Legos amongst them that led us to Victory. "

Back to our normal programming :

What will we have for breakfast on Christmas ?

The family will be expecting a special breakfast. Have you thought about this ? No ? You must. Cereal or toast will not cut it.

How about an egg breakfast casserole ?

Cinnamon rolls ?

French toast. Without something like this - you're fucked. I mean it.

If worse comes to worst , swing by the Golden Arches for a few packs of the McSanta Delight. Mmmm. Yummy mush.

Now that the presents are opened and a lot of folks are seriously disappointed, ? Now wtf ? Instruct those spoiled brats to go play w the toys and stop fighting. And shut the hell up.

Grab you some eggnog. Spike that bad boy w some vodka or tanguray gin. Now that's a Merry Christmas. Do not over do. Or drive. Just hang out. And to all a good night. Ho ho ho.

[moveslikekeithrichards]

I’m so sorry to ask this but what in the world is cranberry slop

idk it was like a can of slopping wet cranberries in Glop that gets mixed into the batter

[kragehund-est]

kragehund's half jar of condensed ourple:

whatever this unlabeled bag of frozen berries is. uh. strawberries, cranberries, and blueberries? maybe

juice and zest of 1 orange

2 tablespoons of weirdly expensive honey

synonyms and salt

fuck it i'm adding bacardi. a shot for the fruit glop and a shot for me.

put everything in a saucepan

cook at medium high heat, mash the fuck out of it periodically

do that for like half an hour, or until it reduces ig

put in a jar, let cool, put in fridge

serving suggestion: idk. put it over ice cream or yogurt or smthn.

i confused kompot with compote and was having a terrible time looking for recipes

[gaelforceplayroom]

We’re all kinds going through a historically and splendidly crappy time right now and I had to share this email.  When I got it, I thought it was going to be an ad.  I forgot I signed up Kim Rhode’s (of Supernatural) emails but I love her so I wasn’t upset to see her email “Just Checking In”

When I opened it I found a heartfelt, INCREDIBLY inspiring message (and a recipe for cookie so hey! lol) that lifted my heart and gave me some perspective amidst all this difficulty we’re all experiencing.

I wanted to share this because I KNOW all of us need to hear it so here tis.

A note from Kim Rhodes:

Hi, you tender, beautiful, wonderful human,

I said I’d be a pen-pal and I bailed. It all got very hard. But then…. it got harder. And harder. So fuck it, I’m emerging from some ashes with a little perspective I’m compelled to share and a cookie recipe.

I won’t be insulted if you skip to the recipe.

It feels like I’ve lost so much. I’ve lost the joy I share chatting with my friends. I’ve lost the security I got from income. I’ve lost the worth I gain from being seen. I’ve lost the love I exchange when I get to move through the world dancing and hugging and sharing and being me. I’m left with just…. me. Me, in a world that isn’t what I wish it were.

Here is what I’ve realized. Those things ARE me. I am joy. I am safe. I am worthy and loving. Perhaps the lenses that brought them into focus are burning right now, and perhaps the feelings might not be accessible to me, but they ARE ME.

They are you too.

You are the laughter you remember and the ecstatic whirling of scarves and wind while you dance. You are the exuberant glee of grabbing soup cans as you ride your own shopping cart recklessly down the aisle. You are the comfort of a blanket meant to fit a tiny bed, wrapped around multiple shoulders to fend off the chill of the night. Or the grief of the heart. Your essence cannot be taken by the world, no matter what. Your moments are different, but the feelings are intrinsic to your being.

I understand it may not feel like that right now. I would never devalue or dismiss your experience. But sometimes I need a reminder of the bright because my own darkness becomes blinding. There is light waiting for us. It is inevitable because it is who. We. Are.

In the mean time, here are some cookies. I want to give a hearty and unsolicited shoutout to the original recipe from sallysbakingaddiction.com. I merely tweaked it.

BUTTERSCOTCH OATMEAL COOKIES

MAKE THE BATTER A DAY AHEAD!

Ingredients:

1 and 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp salt

1 cup unsalted butter - VERY SOFT! (I used salted and it was fine, because that’s just how I roll)

1 cup packed dark brown sugar

1/2 cup granulated sugar

2 large eggs at room temp

1 Tbs molasses

2 tsp vanilla

3 cups OLD FASHIONED rolled oats. Don’t use the minute oats. Seriously. I mean…. okay, if you must. But I will be disappointed. Not a lot. But it will be in my eyes.

1 12 oz package butterscotch chips

1 cup dried cranberries (“Gross, Kim, butterscotch and cranberries? Everyone knows it should be white chocolate and cranberries!” Okay, you hush, you. Trust me on this. The tart flavor is what makes this cookie not eye-crossingly sweet and instead a rhapsody of deliciousness. You do you. But for Chuck’s sake… at least give it a shot.

• Whisk dry ingredients. Set aside.

• Cream together butter and sugars. Like… beat the ever lovin’ fuck out of it.

• Add eggs (one at a time) molasses and vanilla. Mix well. Not ever lovin’ fuck well, but well.

• Gently and kindly add dry ingredients, starting with flour mixture, then oats, finally chips and cranberries.

• Refrigerate overnight. You know why? Well, yes. Right now it is a gooey mess and there’s no way you could transform this glop into cookies. But also! You ever do overnight oats? Yeah. The oats are gonna soak up all that buttery goodness and become little miracles of tastiness.

NEXT DAY

• I recommend parchment paper on your cookie sheets.

• Preheat oven to 350.

• Make balls, (I said “balls”. SHOUTOUT TO JIM BEAVER!) a couple of tablespoons big. They will spread as they cook.

• 14 minutes in the oven. Let finish cooking on sheet if you want super chewy. If not, 15 in the oven.

• Makes about 3 dozen, depending on how much quality control you did on the batter when you were awake at 2 AM and don’t try to pretend that’s just me.

I am grateful to you and for you.

With immense love,

Kim

[sylph-feather]

this morning i spilled cereal on myself. and the line was too long for pancakes :(

Lunch went marginally better, but still had tales of woe. There was a set of “bins” at the salad bar that were clearly parfait themed— 2 bins of fruit, and between them was a bin full of white yogurt stuff and one with blueberry yogurt, and then there was jars of crushed nuts and dried cranberries and stuff. At least I ASSUMED the white bin was plain yogurt. I put a big glop of it in a bowl and made my parfait. Took a bite. It was sour cream. WHAT MANIAC PUTS SOUR CREAM THERE

[sleepynegress]

I am taking it easy today...  Cornish hens stuffed with cornbread stuffing, green bean casserole, mac and cheese, country ham, and a store-bought mini- Patti LaBelle sweet potato pie. Here’s the loose recipes I’m doing today... --- For the hen, thaw in the regular fridge for a day and then room-temp water butter the everloving FUCK out of the entire carcass inside and out (OBSCENE amounts and use the good irish butter for this or even ghee) season profusely w/ fresh peppermill pepper (I use the mixed variety), garlic salt, season-all, fresh sage/rosemary leaves mix they sell in the veggie aisle (CHOP IT FINE) put a quarter of a onion inside the interior of the bird stuffing (prepare ahead by frying onion and bacon (quartered) together until transparent and smelling good) dump that dry stuffing directly into that mix, add a little water, and a little stock (low-sodium because bacon is salfty yall) mix with cream of celery (it shouldn’t be too wet!!) stuff that inside the hen with that quartered onion in the back (even better if you fry the chopped bird’s organs -heart liver- w/ the bacon!) save a little of that onion and bacon fry up... garnish w/ baby carrots and the rest of the chopped onion, chopped roughly... squeeze some lemon on top, and add a glop of olive oil 

put it in the oven at 350ish (cover with tented foil!) ---- canned green beans cream of mushroom soup... add some of that onion bacon fry up a little seasoning (pepper garlic salt) a little less than half of fried onions mix well... throw that in the oven with the bird... ---- cook mac to al dente drain into baking container add butter (super soft) plain greek yogurt, a few table spoons sharp chedder cheese a bit of parmesan (fresh!) (a half a pack of kraft cheese powder-- yes I know, but it works!) a little paprika and little pepper... put that in the oven too...

And rest...Then I get my can of cranberry sauce ready.. And in maybe an hour or so (I just keep checking THROUGH THE WINDOW and by ear -you can hear it bubbling- unlike the GBBS people who keep opening the oven lol) when it starts smelling good, bubbling etc... I add the rest of the fried onions to the green beans.. and check everythng else  Let rest and serve when ready!! And the country ham (literally one two-serving-sized) hunk can be chucked in with the bird...with maybe a drizzle of honey about half way through cooking.)

[seenashwrite]

Hunters Roasting On An Open Fire

Status: Complete Word Count: 1.1K Category: One-shot, Holidays, Christmas, Behind-the-scenes canon-compliant, Humor, On-the-hunt Characters: Dean, Sam, special holiday guest star Warnings: None Author’s Note: Pseudo-entry for @atc74 ‘s Cards Against Christmas with the song title prompt "__ Roasting On An Open Fire", and yes, we're aware the actual title is "The Christmas Song" but I wanted to light things up, so here we are; “pseudo” because I went over word count allowed and I edited like a sweaty bitch, I swear; but hey, you got some, ah, charming gifs, too.😈  Overall Summary: They come at night... by the dozen.

Dean and Sam edged toward the door of the old, stately home. The crunches called out from under the hunters' boots with every step, sharp like screams. It felt as loud to their ears as the crack of the shotgun had been moments earlier.

"Creepy little suckers," Dean muttered.

Sam eyed a misshapen snowman just off the porch, and he shivered in the frosty, sleet-packed gusts, though it wasn't for long - as the door opened on its own with an ominous creak, the furnace-like air in the house practically slapped them in the face. 

The brothers shared a look, then continued on.

As they crossed the worn welcome mat, the door slammed itself shut, the heavy bolt lock clicking into place, causing both men to whip around, Sam's blade at the ready, Dean giving the shotgun a preemptive pump.

The house moaned a greeting. The enormous fireplace roared, popped off sparks for good measure. Giggles ricocheted off the walls. And then, the whispered singing began.

Run, run, fast as you can...

"Where is that coming from?" asked Sam.

Dean pointed with the barrel of the shotgun to the entirety of their surroundings, implying everywhere; the uptick of skittering - in the walls, across the ceiling, up the stairs, and under the furniture - confirmed it.

"Guess the ones outside had a lot of friends," Sam noted.

"What, a baker's dozen?" Dean asked with a crooked grin; Sam's raised eyebrow ushered it away.

Down the darkened hall, a tiny house rested near the wall, perfect from graham eaves to gumdrop trim, barely illuminated by the moonlight pushing through a snow-caked window. Dean didn't hesitate to fire into it, shells filled with a rock salt-rock candy combo, turning the structure to chunky bits. Sam tossed a vial of blessed pine oil, followed by a lighter, onto the pile. 

No sooner had it gone ablaze, five of the creatures came out shrieking, running, lighting up the shadows. Dean nailed three in one shot. Sam's blade, coated in a poinsettia tincture, pinned another to the wall. And the mostly-scorched fifth scrambled away.

The next part happened quickly. Blade retrieved, Sam was right behind Dean when he burst into the huge dining room. A glow, not unlike that coming from the candles atop the table, flickered from an unlit corner. The song had turned chant.

RUN! RUN! FAST AS YOU CAN!

And there it was, the escapee, coming right at them, head flaming, raisin eyes melting, determined expression in check, but it went to shock in a hot second.

Blast hit target. Crumbs flew. The night went silent, and the brothers took the moment to note what was on the table. Laid neatly were innumerable tiny carving knives, and in the center a giant silver platter, all glinting in the candlelight.

"So they're cannibals?" Dean asked.

"Technically not cannibals, or they'd be eating each other---"

"Fine. They're frikkin' carnivore gingerbread men!"

A crash from the next room, another shared look, and through the open pocket door they went. In the kitchen, gingerbread men spilled from the flaming oven, all of them crispy, blackening in the fire, perhaps in some sort of solidarity with their fallen brethren, and they quickly met the same fate, those not succumbing to the burn meeting their end by shot and stab. The last, a quite bold one, sharpened candy cane shiv in hand, leapt into the air right at Sam when his back was turned, and Dean had none of it, pulverizing the creature mid-flight.

They did the same to the houses, some mansion-sized, that lined every counter, every surface, until there was no sign of more, no skitters, no giggles, no songs. But now, rooms checked, back in the den, ready to leave, they hesitated. Breaths of iced crystals floated from their lips, stifling heat be damned. The cavernous fireplace seemed to widen its maw, enough to where they saw the broiled skeletons with their picked-clean bones.

"The owners?" Sam whispered, and Dean answered with a nod.

An old woman in an apron sticky with dough and sprinkles appeared, more of her cookie army sneaking through vents, crawling out of drawers, slinking from under cushions, herding their enemies to the fire, ready to roast their meal. 

The ghost witch cackled, her transparent form glitching, then turning solid. "Fools!" she cried. "You think you've beaten me! My plan has worked for centuries, luring hunters to a remote home each year when the solstice is---"

Sam's blade sailed right into her forehead, a touch of a cranberry scent wafting from the wound, and the wee men fell to sugared dust.

"Man, I hate exposition," Dean commented, then added, "Heh. I guess that's how the cookie crumbles."

Sam rolled his eyes.

Quick work was made of the house, a little Latin said as they watched the flames grow tall, and they left, satisfied. Back at their motel, the typical post-hunt celebratory beers were eschewed, instead falling into bed for their much-earned long winter's nap. But at precisely midnight, when it was officially Christmas Eve, tinkling bells and a familiar melody filled the air. 

They each turned in their respective beds, facing one another, frowning. Sam slammed his hand atop the clock radio on the bedside table a few times. The carol stopped. Shrugs were exchanged. Eyes were closed. Blankets were pulled tighter. Pillows were hugged. The hum of the heater was the only sound.

Until.

....nipping at your nose, Yuletide carols being sung by a choir....

"Nope," Dean announced, sitting up and turning, banging a fist against the wall. "Pipe down!" he yelled.

"Dean, nobody's in the next room - we're on the end," Sam reminded him.

Dean began to get out of bed to bang on the opposite wall, but stopped - it was quiet once again. But this time when he laid down, he stayed on his back, didn't burrow, didn't get comfortable. He was prepped to pounce, merely resting his eyes.

It was the smell of smoke and drips of frosting glopping onto their faces that caused them to stir, the return of the chant which woke them all the way.

Run, run, fast as you can...

Dean and Sam gasped in sync at the sight of the human-sized gingerbread on the ceiling, flames surrounding it, glaring down at them, baring its glittering teeth as it hissed.

...you can't catch me - I'm the gingerbread man!

Scrambling for their weapons, Dean suddenly just knew, and he shouted, "Nice touch, you sonnuvabitch!"

As the shots and groans and punches rang out, the horned, cloaked figure leaning against the Impala finished off his cookie. "Hot damn, I love these guys," Krampus said to himself with a laugh; and then, louder:

"See you next year!"

A/N #2 - The top gif’s an edit coupled with a bit from the same movie the bottom one is from, which is “Krampus”. Watch it, it’s a hoot.

See Nash Write : Master  /  See Nash Write : Mobile

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[podcastmecaptain]

the adventures in impulse control: a.k.a. Esther is out of town

a vlogging experience brought to you by Jack Wyatt

[an extension of the ap ap au] 

 "so esther. this is me. day two. i grabbed my camera because. well. things have become NECESSARY for you to see.“

 [shuffling]

 "look at this shit. do you know what it is? can you tell? its- even if you can’t you’ll know in about thirty seconds cause hank is gonna run in here screaming. cause it’s his vape pen." 

 [muffled wheezing] 

 "i- pfft ehehahahaHAsnnNNNRK- its- its his fucking PREMIUM VAPE- i didn’t notice! i swear!! swear to FUCK- it just was on the table and i was kinda absently fiddling with anything, anything at all and i- snnrrRk- i look up and its a fucking VAPE PEN and i’ve halfway disassembled it without thinking. i can’t believe i didn’t break it. i wasn’t- like, after that? its halfway right? i gotta do the whole thing. you know i do. can’t half ass property destruction. gotta- gotta full throttle. gotta do it. so.”

 [shuffling]

 "vape pen. and no one was around to say “hey! jack! that’s a right crap idea!” noooOoOoOo. no. just me n’ my brain. and that means the following-“ [clatter] "i disassembled every piece of lab equipment our sadly underfunded little department has and started putting it back together, except halfway through i remember the vape pen, and now i don’t know how to put THAT back together quite right and so i have a vape dilemma. and instead of actually figuring it out and finishing the rest of the lab, i’m videoing you, and i ALSO stopped reassembling-" 

 [cronch] 

 "to get this here little- bucket? is it a bucket? its not called a tin- this little thing bucket of fruit loops and i got it from the vending machine and hank is gonna come looking for his vape pen and you like. needed to know.”

 [cromch schnuff snchuff] 

 "do we know anyone that vapes? does sally? i feel like i heard her talking about flavored vapes once. chet whickman- the chuck e. cheese assistant night manager?- he LOOKS like he vapes. he looks like he holds it like he cups the front of it like a ciggie on a windy day and then says “just doin my duty.” and then blows a puff of blueberry vape shit. maybe i could sell the parts and hank would just think he dropped it somewhere. he’s idiotic enough. maybe i could- oh. OH. hold on.“

 [video cuts off] 

 [video clicks back on]

 "yippee-ki-YAY motherfuckers. looks assembled right. looks just fine. pfft. ima. genius. i’m a genius. watch." 

 [PHWWEEEEEEENYYUHHUH]

 "vape. pen. KAZOO.”

 [PHWAAAYUUUNNNgggggNGHHHJUUAAAGHHJUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOUUUAAUÜUUAAGHJUAAAAAAAAAGGHH]

 "i’m a fucking genius. i’m gonna give it back to him. this is gonna be great. and what’s more. you’re gone. so it’s your fault. i’m gonna go glop a can of cranberry sauce down the tank in the back of the faculty toilet. let the nightmares begin. i could go hop a fence. i could drink an espresso without throwing up. you don’t know. jack attack. who am i kidding i can’t do that. i’m lactose intolerant. i’ll send you updates tomorrow. “

[mealsforsquares]

New Year’s Day

After New Year’s Eve, of course, comes New Year’s Day, and with New Year’s Day comes one of the few times I actually get to host a giant meal. I love hosting a giant meal, actually, even though it stresses me right the heck out. Last year was the first year that we did it, in an attempt to spread around some of the effort of the holiday season. It was a fairly big hit, and it was nice to expose some more people to what it is I do in the kitchen*. Sinc eit worked out so well, and I had the operational business under my belt, it was time to move on and try to really knock it out of the park.

The crowd pleaser at last-year’s business was a serious eats-style all-belly porchetta. It was chosen for its relative simplicity - pork belly is a pretty hard thing to fuck up, as just about every restaurant in the world can tell you**, and wrapping it around some herbs and spices and slow roasting it is a pretty rock-solid thing to do. And I like things that are easy to do and impressive. They make me feel good about myself.

So I took a whole belly and laid it down, scored the skin deeply. I made a spice paste of juniper berries, allspice berries, coriander, cinnamon, and some sumac. I also made an herb paste of minced rosemary, sage, thyme, oregano and tarragon. I mixed the herb mince with the spice paste, oiled them up and ground them together a bit with a mortar and pestle. I mixed in some ground bay leaves and some brown sugar, and rubbed the whole mess into the pork belly. I rolled it up tight and covered the outside in salt into which I had mixed a bit of baking soda, then cut a bunch of lengths of twine which I used to tie it up. Instead of letting it sit with the raw herbs and spices overnight, I slow-roasted it first the day before, letting it go until it was a proper internal temperature, and then when it was done I pulled it and socked it away in the fridge until the next day when I would crisp it up. I threw it in a very hot oven about an hour before service, leaving it in there until the skin was hot enough to blister and turn brown, and then taking it out rest*** and then slicing it up, removing the string in the process

Last year I was further constrained by the two pickiest eaters (who are also members of my own family) being present for dinner, and having to make sure to include them in everything. This year, especially, R had to work, which meant that vinegar was much more on the table than it had been previously, so it was time to incorporate directly into the beans. Black eyed peas are traditional for New Year’s, which is pretty great, because it’s an excuse to make a mess of beans for a bunch of people to eat. In Jonathon Sawyer’s oft-aforementioned House of Vinegar, he mentions cooking lentils in red wine vinegar for a salad. I decided to run with that idea, except I would use black eyed peas. To preserve the color, and make them look less like brown glop on the plate, I decided to cook them in a mixture of white wine and white wine vinegar, so that I could more-readily play with colors and textures.

The theory was good, but in practice I forgot that cooking beans in acid is really hard. This is probably why the original recipe uses lentils and not a bean that requires more hydration. So I soaked the beans overnight, then poured in equal parts white wine and white wine vinegar, and let the beans simmer until they were soft. Or at least, I let them simmer for seven hours. They were softening (slowly), but they weren’t finishing. I had the idea that if I raised the pH a little bit they might find it easier to accept water into their skins, so I added a healthy pinch of baking soda. A couple of hours later, the beans were the perfect texture - the acid had enabled them to hold together pretty well without mushing out, and they did eventually hydrate fully to be tender. If I wanted a creamier bean, it might not be the way to go, but if I wanted a creamier bean, it wouldn’t be the sort of thing you’d want to make sour anyway.

The beans were actually pretty astringent, so the rest of the job of the salad was to mitigate the business. I cut some homemade bacon into cubes (I give away bacon as part of everyone’s Christmas basket), and got them working in a cold pan. As the pan heated up and the bacon started to brown, I would occasionally deglaze the pan with a shot of apple cider, which made a nice sort of apple-y glaze on the bacon cubes, which I thought would be nice for the salad, even as it did at another kind of pork to the proceedings. I made some bread crumbs out of some homemade tomato bread (not mine, but homemade in someone else’s home) by drying the bread out in the oven and then running it through the food processor, for a crunch and some texture. I diced the leaves off of a head of bitter endive or chicory or whatever you want to call it and mixed them in, then added a minced onion.

The question of dressing was an important one - it needed to augment the beans, but it couldn’t be too acidic or the whole thign would lose its balance. I kept it fairly simple. I poured out a generous half cup or so of olive oil, added a little less than a third as much vinegar, and a very generous dollop of dijon mustard, which can take the acidity and really add somethign to it. I also added a generous glug of pomegranate molasses, an ingredient that I’m relatively new to actually owning, but have wanted to start using for a long time. The end result was that the salad was magnificent, although I made entirely too much of it, ultimately.

Greens are also a standard-issue inclusion for New Years, so I decided to make some. . Into the dutch oven went a huge bunch of olive oil - this is an oil-intensive preparation****. I added one big onion and two small onions to the oil and let them cook while I did the rest of the thing. I mixed together a whole can of tomato paste with some cayenne and six or so cloves of minced garlic, which I then smooshed into the oil. I had  bought a holy firestorm of greens - a pound or so of collards formed the backbone, but also the rest of the head of chicory, some kale, some adult spinach, a head of dandelion greens, and a head of broccoli raab. I de-stemmed and washed all of these greens, then got them into the oil/tomato paste/garlic sofrito and let them get friendly. I added a healthy splash of water and covered them, letting them steam down for awhile.

When they had shrunk down a bit I added a couple of handfuls of adult spinach and gave everything a good hard stir. I salted them some more, and then added a huge glob of peanut butter and stirred them again to coat them in the peanut. I let them get friendly and salted and peppered them again. When they were tender, I squeezed the juice of a couple of lemons onto them to brighten them up. The effect is incredible - the effect is a bit like the greens in ground nut soup or peanut stew, only it’s a whole mess of them. It seems like an insane thing to enjoy, but it’s an utterly fantastic dish. IT was a big hit also, and it was designed to have a sort of savory, spicy richness that was there to compete a little with the pork and give everyone a break from pork fat, and also the astringency of the beans. It didn’t compete, in the savory slash unctuous flavor of the pork, but it augmented it, making it a nice little component.

Deciding that the bean salad would be lightly dressed and therefore that there might need to be a serious condiment, I made some cranberry mostarda. The day before new years I soaked a bunch of mustard seeds in some sweet wine. On the day of I heated up a bunch of fresh cranberries with a great load of sugar and a apple cider, to which I added the mustard seeds and their wine, some dry mustard, some red chili flakes, and a sachet made of some cinnamon, some cloves and some bay leaves. I simmered it until the cranberries were softened, at which point I smooshed them up and socked the whole thing away in the fridge. It set up more than I intended it to - there’s a tonne of pectin in cranberries - and made a kind of a jam rather than a sauce, but it did its job anyway, providing a nice sweet-tart condiment for the fatty, deeply-spiced porchetta.

Beans and greens aside, an actual salad-type vegetable with some actual salad-type flavor was also necessary. The Chinese believe that eating long food at new years brings good luck, and as it happens, I recently found myself in possession of a spiralizer. So the way through was clear: the way to go forward was to make the longest salad possible, out of a bunch of hard vegetables. It started with carrots - carrots are great with peanut butter, fantastic with pork, and enormously successful with vinegar*****, so it seemed it would be a slam-dunk to pair with the rest of the plate. To go with it was a daikon radish, which would be there for its spicy character but for also not being as funky and oppressive as other radishes can be (I like radishes, but they’re not a vegetable to spring on an unsuspcting someone). An asian pear was noodlefied and added to the thing to give it some crisp sweetness, and a cucumber was thrown in there for freshness and to help with the liquid content. It was finished with some parsley. For dressing some yogurt was compounded with some tahini and flavored with honey, then finished with some lemon juice and very lightly tossed with the mixed-vegetable salad.

Sauerkraut is also de rigeur with new years, and as it happens I had already made some suaerkraut traditionally in the leadup as part of the Christmas present. To make it a little more regular for the meal, I decided to church it up a little bit. I made both red and white sauerkraut. The white sauerkraut needed some real help - it was salty and crunchy and good, but it wasn’t great. So I poured the white out into a pan and added a little allspice, a few peppercorns, a couple of healthy glugs of prosecco vinegar, and a little bit of sugar to help balance it out. I let it get a little bit warm and loosen up a bit. It helped a lot. For the red I dumped that out and just added a bit of sherry vinegar and some red pepper flakes.

Other folks had provided some dolmades, white bread and beer bread (these all came from A’s dad) and also mashed potatoes (from A’s brother, who is a champion eater of mashed potatoes), and they were all pretty good. The rest of the food came out exactly as I wanted, and I was pretty happy with the way things turned out such that you could eat  abit here and a bit there from the various and sundry sources and end up with a non-exhausting plate of food. As feasts go, I was pretty happy with the way that things came together. Everything that had been a crowd pleaser remained a crowd pleaser, and the whole thing was filling and plenty feast-like without being overwhelming - I was full without being uncomfortably so, which I’m willing ot chalk up to it being mostly food that is actually not that bad for us. It’s entirely possible that I may do some more working with the sour beans to make them something that cooks even slightly quicker.

Oh, and I’ll have to work on quantity, because digging out from under the impossible, tremendous amount of leftovers was pretty oppressive. I will say this: a sandwich made of toasted bread, mustard, peanut greens, pickles and a slice of porchetta is a pretty incredible way to use up a leftover, all told.

Just eating the beans as a leftover was also pretty great, but it does seem to require that you like beans at least as much as I do to get through that many. I hope I can remember the next time I do it to make them into a croquette - fried pickled things are awesome, and I bet the fried sour beans would be equally incredible.

Or at least more interesting than other regular croquettes. But this is all turning into a digression for another time. So stay tuned. Maybe you’ll get to hear about it.

* I cook for the same three people, counting myself, most of the time, so it’s not common for people outside my household to eat my food - I’m not much of a host-er and prefer restaurants for socializing purposes, mainly because I don’t go to them that often - I’m cheap, and also I’m a better judge of how I want something to taste than someone I’m paying to do it. I’m generally a do-it-myself sort of person, and I tend to go out only for things that I don’t make often - organ meats are a tough sell for my housemates, and fish is expensive enough that I’m usually pretty happy to let someone with more experience do it for me, to name two examples - or where people want to go or whatever.

** restaurants, and especially mid-range ones, are sort of the silent partners in the pork belly explosion of a decade ago. That explosion has mostly died, and that’s great, because I was tired of being surprised and worn down by the constant baconification of everything, and it also means that pork belly prices are coming down a bit. I’ve been making my own bacon for a very long time, as well as my own pancetta, and obviously there’s a porchetta every year, and it’s great to not have to pay through the nose for it.

*** It probably didn’t have to rest, as the few minutes of very high heat wasn’t enough to stir up the interior juices, and so it probably wasn’t in any danger of that, but hey, it didn’t hurt anyway.

**** it’s also, weirdly, one of R’s favorite preparations, which is strange, considering his usual relationship to greens.

***** carrots are an all-time champion pickle.

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Cranberry Glop

“My family fights over this great Thanksgiving side dish that was first brought to our table by my Aunt Joan more than ten years ago. It’s the only thing I’ve found that will convert even the most die-hard canned cranberry eater to a fresh berry advocate.”

Cranberry Glop was originally published on Tasty Recipes