#cracking all the way up

[ineffablyruined]

Finally he has something more disturbing to glue to the ground than coins!

Imagine the chaos that unremovable loose teeth on the ground will cause.

15. Promotion

He took the job entirely of spite. But the teeth were definitely an added bonus.

[inkskinned]

before you know about women, you hear that you do not need to love the man, just that you need to love him through his manhood. which is to say you have seen the future painted in lamb's blood over your eyes - how your mother shoots you a look about your father's inability to cook right. how your aunt holds her wineglass and says i'm gonna kill em. men, right! how your best friend bickers with her boyfriend, how she says i can't help it. i come back to him.

you learn: men are gonna cheat. men aren't going to listen when you're talking, because you're nagging. men think emotions are stupid. they think your life is vapid and your hobbies are embarrassing. men will slam things, but that's because men are allowed to be angry. if you get loud, you're hysterical. if a man gets loud - well, men are animals, men are dogs, men can't control their hands or their eyes or their bodies. they're going to make a snide comment about you in the locker room, about your body, about how you're so fucking annoying. you're going to give him kids, and he will give you the money for the kids, and you're going to be running the house 24/7 - but he gets to relax after a long day, because his job is stressful. the man is on stage, and is a comedian, and says "women!"

and you are supposed to love that. you are supposed to love men through how horrible they are to you - because that's what women do. that's what good women do. wife material. your father even told you once - it'll make sense when you're older. it was like staring down a very lonely tunnel.

it feels like something's caught in your throat, but it's all you know, so. it's okay that you see sex as a necessary tool, a sort of okay-enough ritual to keep him happy, even though he doesn't seem to care about happiness as-applied-to you. it is relationship upkeep. it is kissing him and smiling even though he didn't brush his teeth. it is getting on your knees and looking up and holding back a sigh because he barely holds you as you panic through the night. it's not like the sex is bad and you do like feeling wanted. and besides! he's a man! like... they're another species. you'll never be able to actually communicate, right. he isn't listening.

you just don't get it. you don't feel that sense of i'm gonna climb him like a tree. mostly it just feels fucking exhausting. you play the part perfectly. you smile and nod and are "effortlessly" charming. and it's fine! it's alright! you even love him, if you're looking. you could have good life, and a good family, and perfectly happy.

in the late night you google: am i broken. you google i'm not attracted to my husband. you google i get turned on by books but not by him. you google how to get better in bed.

the first time he yells at you, it almost feels like blankness. like - of course this is happening. this is always how it was going to end up. men get angry, and they yell, and you sit there in silence.

you mention it to your friend - just the once - while you're drunk. she shrugs and says it's like that with me too, i just try to forget and move on. men are always gonna hear what they want to. pick your battles and say sorry even though he's in the wrong. you play solitaire online for a month. you go to your therapist appointment and preach about how you're both so in love.

after all, you have a future to want. nobody lied about it - how many instagram posts say marriage is hard. say real love takes work. say we fight like cats and dogs but the best part is that we always make up. how many of your friends say happy anniversary to the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. if you really loved him - loved yourself too - you'd accept that men are just different from you.

the first time she kisses you, it's on a dare at a party. something large and terrifying whips through your body. you wake up sweating from dreams where her mouth is encrusted with pearls and you pick them off one by one with your teeth. fuck. you sit at the computer and your almost-finished game of sim city. you think about your potential perfect life and your potential future family. you google am i gay quiz with your little hands shaking.

you delete each letter slowly. you don't need to love him. you just need to keep going.

[abyssal-ilk]

no more romance. romance is canceled. tell me about your warden/hawke/inquisitor's best friend and any info you want to add about their dynamic 🖐

[the-great-papyru]

i think the thing a lot of papyrus takes get wrong is that they forget that, among other things, papyrus is funny. in my experience writing papyrus, i often find the most funny line is the most in-character one. an unfunny papyrus doesn’t ever feel like an accurate papyrus to me. it’s more than part of the game, it’s part of his character. and disregarding that is what messes up a lot of otherwise good impressions of him.

[freyadragonlord]

(Spoilers for the sctir novel)

I honestly don't know what is funnier:

The fact that when Yoohyun learns about the Regression, he pretty much immediately asks Yoojin what his relationship to Sung Hyunjae was before turning time back, and that when Yoojin tells him that he and Hyunjae didn't know each other at all before the Regression, Yoohyun thinks Yoojin is lying to him........

.........or the fact that Yoohyun is right.

[dustykneed]

so jim got bit by a space mushroom that takes away his impulse control... welcome to daycare on the bridge with his xo and cmo

obviously the salad cat meme is still going strong in the 23rd century because these guys reenact it on a daily basis lmaoo

prompt fill for @mcspirkevents' mcspirk bingo prompt "mask off" 🩵💙💛

[teddybeartoji]

:DDDDDDDDDD

[daisiesandviscaria]

no thoughts just kevin being such a little nerd that he went out of his way and convinced riko to be a history major with him

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Get Souped!

[rationales]

MJ ✨dramatically✨ votes to evict Joseph.

[littleplantfreak]

Silly/Clumsy WB boys HCs

I see hcs like this and theyre always fun/make me laugh o(｀ω´ )o

Sakura’s food went down the wrong pipe at a restaurant and when the waiter asked if it was because it was too spicy, he insisted through coughing and tears that that definitely wasn’t the case (he could tell they didnt believe him though)

Tsugeura sometimes lets one rip by accident when he’s exercising. Not even a little fart either, the kind that stops everyone from what they’re doing.

One time Nirei stubbed his toe so hard, he fell and grabbed onto the nearest object. Unfortunately that was the back of Sakura’s pants, making him accidentally moon a few people in class.

Word recall is hard sometimes. So when Choji calls an ambulance a ‘hospital truck’ really what can you do? At least he’s using words. Sometimes he just mimes the shape or action of the thing and insists that you know what he’s talking about. Will draw a picture if he gets frustrated enough, but if it’s something intangible? Well it’s a guessing word game. (Togame is the best at it, but Inugami is on Choji’s wavelength enough that he’s pretty accurate too)

Hiragi calls the first years by the wrong name sometimes, like a mom with too many kids. He’ll yell and say Sugishita when he means Sakura, but he does apologize before yelling again.

Because he’s around older guys a lot, Togame sometime uses really old words or sayings. You haven’t hear the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs” or he’s “bleeding like a stuck pig” in years until you’re stuck under an awning during a passing storm or he comes back from a rough fight, nose still bleeding profusely. Also keeps bag balm/cetaphil, some other really good lotion for calluses and dry skin and just kinda slaps it on whatever shishitoren member he sees who’s hands are cracking, saying that the skin won’t heal as well when they’re older so they better take care of it now.

Umemiya’s got the worst habit of losing, dropping, or sitting on his glasses. He doesn’t realize it until he hears the snap and he’s got them taped up until he can go get them fixed again.

Kaji’s kind of a messy eater. Especially with ice cream or food with sauce on it. Started to get better with checking his face after eating after Hiragi slapped a wet wipe on his face after he devoured a rack of ribs, leaving him looking like he’d cannibalized someone

[slymanner]

Pretty funny/cool that metal sonic is the only character to have a past self and another past self to EXIST at the same time.

like sonic and tails had their classic selves sure, but the modern versions of them were also their present selves, they weren't sonic and tails from like adventure 2 or heroes or anything.

so it's interesting how metal gets TWO versions of his past self in the same white space but his modern self never appears like, ever in both games 😭

[trentcrimminallybeautiful]

just thinking about trent having an embarrassing twitter account that's like, idk, priv and/or just like an anonymous jokey account sort of thing and it regularly tweets things like "The weighted blanket is not enough. i need a man to lay on top of me horizontally and crush me to death. lovingly." and "Just made finger guns at my crush instead of doing what I intended to do, which was apologize. I think maybe I should be shot into the sun?" and "Sorry for being rude. I got anxious and scared. It will happen again" and "'Not all men' you're right. Ted Lasso would never do this to me" <- everyone assumes that's a general celebrity crush/just a joke about a famously really nice guy and like, coach beard actually likes/retweets it so it goes mildly viral and trent is like. This Is Fine. most people assume that this account is run by like, a female tumblr user in her late twenties. no. this is a middle-aged single father and no one realizes this until he tweets something like "My ex-wife just set me up with a man who looks exactly like my straight crush, but worse. You know, because she's evil, and also the funniest person alive. anyway guess who i ran into on the date" or "i am a single middle-aged father and i only JUST NOW found out i have autism. My parents knew when I was three." which is then updated by "WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY EX WIFE KNEW TOO" (she thought it was kind of a given) only to confuse them again when he mentions that time he was pregnant

[opbackgrounds]

This is a contrived and slightly silly way to get Sanji and Zoro's zombies out of the fight, but it's also funny and makes Hogback look like an idiot so I'll take it

[lizzybeeee]

Inquisitor: "Is there any way Solas can be reasoned with?"

Me after Solas has killed Varric, used blood magic on me, trapped me in the fade, created the blight, made the titans tranquil/fucked with the dwarves, started the chain of events that led to Southern Thedas being destroyed, and stealing all my good gear from Inquisition:

[skippingthroughfields]

these days a lot of romance in books, TV, and film leave me a bit cold, which sucks as a lover of romance. there has to be something ~interesting there for me. I've been watching the day of the jackal and it's pretty entertaining so far. but the one thing I haven't quite been able to wrap my head around is jackal's love for his wife, nuria. the show clearly wants us to believe he truly loves her, even if he can't shed his assassin skin and lies like crazy to her. he spies on her. he dreams about her. he thinks about her constantly. even more so than the baby which I (and the show apparently) regularly forget exists.

the chemistry between eddie redmayne and ursula corbero isn't necessarily the issue even though it is middling. ursula certainly does the best with what she's got, which isn't much. but I always struggle when shows place us in an established marriage or relationship and tells the audience how much the two characters love each other, without really being convincing of why they go to the lengths they do because of this love. the jackal is a sociopath with a hundred different faces (though we spend quite a bit of time with him in his true face). he has no qualms whatsoever about killing innocent people to accomplish his objectives. that's established within 20 minutes of the very first episode. so what does it take for this murderer-for-hire to fall in love? why should we be so convinced of this cold-blooded killer's love for his wife? what is it about her that made him fall in love? and vice versa? the show doesn't even try to make us second guess this love. on some level, I'd be obsessed with a suave killer brought to his knees by a woman to the point where he starts a family with her. the deception, the two separate lives, the cat and mouse of it all. but everything about them is spectacularly bland.

throughout the series nuria is constantly questioning who she fell in love with. but who did she fall in love with? in episode 7 we get flashbacks of their first meeting, at a restaurant where jackal is a regular and where nuria works as a waitress. she's hot and vivacious and effortlessly charming. he's a mysterious loner who seems sweet. jackal takes a shine to her and later asks her on a date, to which she immediately says yes. and that's it. that's pretty much all of the flavorless context we have for their relationship. we're simply supposed to believe they fell in love with each other. she doesn't even make him work for the date. there's no push and pull there. she's not even a calculating golddigger or anything, just completely guileless. our favorite sociopath fell in love because she's just that charming? our charming waitress falls for this boring and rich-looking foreigner and that's it? and then we're told that she's completely trusting of him up until the ~turning point. ok. I don't believe the show is trying to pull wool over our eyes. they very much want us to believe there's love there. but there's just nothing convincing me of why these two characters love each other. this failmarriage is of no interest to me.

otoh, the connection jackal has with zina is compelling and sexy. this mysterious corporate shark archetype of a woman who dared to meet an assassin in person. who went to bat for this assassin even when her bosses were not convinced he was the man for their goals. who broke into this assassin's temporary lodgings and withstood his menacing energy. who wasn't afraid to yell and put pressure on this scary assassin. I'd be more obsessed if the actress was better at acting and there was actual chemistry between her and eddie. alas.

otooh, there is ALSO serious messy romantic potential with bianca. also a sociopathic liar. also a married woman (who we're also supposed to believe loves her husband. lol.) with a child. a woman who will do anything to catch jackal. a woman who has no qualms about using innocent people who get killed in the process (even if she does feel some degree of guilt about it). like the parallels are allll there. but she's black and we all know how that goes. in another series jackal would be intrigued and also as obsessed with this mi6 agent who somehow always finds him. sigh.