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murfpersonalblog · 1 year ago

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Thanks for tagging me @little-desi-historian! ❤️

YES, all of this takes me back to something I wanted to touch a lot more on in my original post when it comes to the historical male image, Percy, Lestat, and Matadors; because it truly does link back to how AMC is playing with dandyism and society's expectations about effeminate men.

Dandyism is a form of resistance culture. As I've said before, Lestat flouts gender norms because HE CAN do whatever he wants & get away with it. His androgyny's on a different level: effeminate or masculine, he's still a vampire, a SUPERnatural creature elevated beyond the bounds of social mores that determine what men & women could or SHOULD act/dress like. MANY people across social media have pointed to Lestat's limp wrists, long blonde "Barbie" hair and ESPECIALLY him dressing in drag in Ep7 as proof that he's the "wife/mother/woman/femme fatale" in Lousta's relationship, and THEN claim its either gender essentialism or homophobic/racist to say Louis is CANONICALLY female-coded one in BOTH the books and show (as AR said so). But no, Lestat in drag was a power move, because he doesn't care what anyone thinks/says/does--he'll just eat them. Mockingly eating the baby in a dress was a deliberate bastardization of motherhood/womanhood. Louis is called every homophobic name in the book by those expecting the black man to just take being insulted, but MARQUIS de Lioncourt DEMANDS being crowned KING of Mardi Gras, Krewe of Raj, & he'll show you exactly what he thinks about your silly homophobic hypocritical human society: You're just "the MEAT," let them eat KING Cake--you're his FOOD. Eff y'all, I'm dressed to KILL you, & laugh doing it.

Lestat's behavior is not only derived from the time period he was born & raised in (the Rococo era of so-called "effeminate" high class dandies--a la Percy Blakeney, etc). Lestat is the embodiment of PRIVILEGE: a powerful rich white male vampire, who leans into being foreign/French White to excuse anything he does that people find strange/off/unnatural/dangerous--all the red flags. 🚩🚩🚩

And red flags brings me directly back to matadors/toreros.

@toscrollperchancetomeme

😂 TYSM! Sam Reid dropped so many juicy deets; I couldn't resist! There's so much depth to the Matador outfit, beyond the gendered aspect of bullfighting that I discussed before. Let's go back to what Sam said about Lestat, and delve deeper into matadors:

The most iconic apparel worn by toreros ("bullfighters") / matador de toros ("killer of bulls") in Spanish bullfighting is the Traje de Luces, the "Suit of Lights." The colors are usually bright & vivid, as part of the showmanship & pizzazz. Darker palettes are less common, as shiny sequins (the luces/lights) became part of the standard fit.

However, Lestat's all-black Matador outfit from what Sam called the "villain sequence" in Ep5 seems to be loosely following the style of a different but very closely related outfit, the Traje Campero "Rural/Countryside Suit" aka Traje Corto ("Short Suit").

(These costumes are typically worn during ceremonial parades and a very specific festival I'll get back to in a moment, cuz it's important.) Unlike the Suit of Light's sequins & silk, the Rural Suit is made of suede, leather, or velvet, in dark muted colors. The pants can be light or dark, striped & patterned, with or without chaps (also found in gentleman's uniforms of military officers and cowboys).

The trajes originated from "the flamboyant costumes of the 18th-century dandies and showmen involved in bullfighting, which later became exclusive to the bullfighting ritual." (Wikipedia)

The ancestor of both trajes (luces/campero) is traditional 17th-19th century Andalusian clothing (Andalusia being the home of Spanish bullfighting), closely associated with a very particular type of masculine dandyism. (The campero/corto is also the costume worn by Andalusian male flamenco dancers.)

"Before the 17th century the profession of bullfighting did not exist as such, and the fighters did not wear luxurious & shiny trajes de luces, but instead normal clothes of the time according to the social class to which the bullfighter belonged. The first bullfighter trajes de toreros appeared in the 17th century, when professional bullfighters from Navarre & Andalusia wore characteristic garments with their gangs to participate in performances and thus differentiate themselves from other bullfighter bands." (translated/truncated from Spanish website)

In the mid-1700s, Francisco Romero revolutionized professional bullfighting by establishing the first matadors who fought on foot, heroically fighting the bull face to face with swords & the muleta (iconic red flag) in a dance-like performance, dressed in a suede/velvet coleto (jacket), a precursor to the traje campero. Romero (from a carpenter family) wanted to show off & stand out from the nobility, and changed the game entirely, through a form of social resistance-turned-innovation.

"At that time, bullfighting on horseback was more important, which was considered a sport and not a show. Bullfighting on foot was not yet widely recognized." (translated from Spanish website)

Bull-killing on horseback was practiced by Spanish noblemen, attended by lower class assistants on foot. Romero was the first to make on-foot matadors the stars of what was increasingly becoming a dandified show/performance/dance. Matador Joaquin "Costillares" Rodríguez introduced even more showmanship, competing against Francisco Romero's grandson Pedro Romero (famously painted by Goya--bottom right).

For his matches, Costillares (middle) dressed in flashy silks, threaded in shiny silver braiding; the precursor to modern traje de luces. Like Francisco Romero (left), Costillares wanted to show off & stand out; and revolutionized the male image of the bullfighter through clothes.

In 18th-19th century Andalusian Spain there were 2 types of dandy: the French-imported upperclass petimetre (effeminate dandy), and the indigenous working class majo (masculine/macho dandy).

Noyes, Dorothy. “La Maja Vestida: Dress as Resistance to Enlightenment in Late-18th-Century Madrid.” The Journal of American Folklore 111, no. 440 (1998): 197–217. https://www.jstor.org/stable/541941

The majo, like many dandies, became the peak of Andalusian fashion, across all social classes; and torero/matador outfits weren't the only ones to take cues from them:

18th-19th century majos "distinguished themselves by their elaborate outfits and sense of style in dress and manners, as well as by their cheeky behavior. The majos outfits were exaggerations of traditional Spanish dress. The style stood in strong contrast to the French styles affected by many of the Spanish elite under the influence of the Enlightenment. Majos were known to pick fights with those they saw as afrancesados ("Frenchified" – fops)." (Wikipedia)

The majos' flamboyant/cheeky/saucy/exaggerated behavior was aggressively masculine; a lower/working class resistance to social mores imposed on them by (foreign) elites, whom they saw as more feminine, and FOUGHT against, to reaffirm their masculinity. These dandies were violent, brazen non-conformists; as beautiful & stylish as they were dangerous. And matadors/toreros knew that the bullfight was the perfect arena to exemplify the spirit of the majos through the dandified performance art/sport of killing bulls--a universal cultural symbol of masculine prowess & strength. Spanish bullfighting used to belong solely to the aristocratic equestrian sphere. Lowly pages/assistants like Francisco Romero (dressed in the precursor to the Rural/Countryside Suit), were the first to buck the system by killing bulls on foot--he likely didn't own a horse. The Romeros were from a carpenter family. Costillares was the son of a butcher. But through bullfighting they gained social status and became icons of masculinity--and dandies.

Lestat--the nouveau riche son of a poor country marquis--insists on being all the beautiful things he is without apology: masculine & effeminate alike. But like I said, it was no coincidence that Carol likened Lestat's Ep5 villain outfit with matadors--he's fighting Louis for dominance in their household, and reaffirming his place at the top of their very gendered social hierarchy, as a warning to BOTH "the housewife" AND "the prodigal daughter" he feels are threatening his authority as their Maker, so he defeats them BOTH.

Carol Cutshall initially designed Lestat's matador pants as pajamas--loungewear. (Lestat's CASUAL & comfortable in his ability to KILL--matador means "Killer" in Spanish--and remember what I said about Louis & Claudia being put on the same parallel level in Ep5, when Claudia's attacked by "Killer" aka Bruce.) Sam said Carol made several versions of the pants; and yup, they're foreshadowed in Ep5 when Lestat first starts arguing about Louis' depression, then they pop up again in Ep7 during the Murder Plot--two instances @dwreader brilliantly linked Lestat (& Stanley Kowalski) wearing wifebeaters. (Listen, Carol, I just wanna talk.... 😅🔫)

And here's my last points about Lestat's matador outfit. First there's the irony of Lestat (who grew up poor in rural France) wearing the something very similar to the matador/torero's Rural Suit, traje campero (aka Short Suit (traje corto)). But what's more interesting is that that type of Short/Rural Suit is usually only worn during special festivals called the Tienta ("trials"), not the regular corrida ("bullfights").

These Tienta are trials for young and immature bulls to be tested in the ring, to see if they're fit for breeding/fighting. 🤯 FLEDGLINGS. And who's Lestat's young bull? "Built-like-a-bird" Claudia. Who's the immature bull? The "biggest rat eater of them all," the under-developed "botched" vampire Louis. During these trials, veteran matadors can show off their skills; and novice bullfighters are shown the ropes and prove themselves. Like I said: the matador wins again.

God, even the way Lestat dragged Louis' bloody body out of the courtyard by the jaw/neck resembles the way the defeated bull--bled out & stabbed in the neck--is dragged by the neck out of the ring.

And remember what I said about Lestat and FOOD. Cuz what happens to the bulls after the matadors kill them? They're sent to the slaughterhouse to be butchered for FOOD. People EAT the bulls.

So yeah, my whole point in this post and my first one is not to sleep on guys like Lestat, Percy--or even other famous dandies like Valmont from Dangerous Liasions/Cruel Intentions (mentioned by both @little-desi-historian and @dwreader)--just because they're effeminate--especially when they're emulating mannerisms from a time period where the model of what made a fashionable gentlemen/good breeding/elite society did NOT match modern expectations about gender. People are getting distracted by Lestat's yaasified manner, not what the show itself is signalling through the relationships he has with others.

This show is deliberately painting Lestat as a villain through Louis' & Claudia's perspectives, as they were the ones who suffered under his Reign of Terror. The symbolism behind the matador-inspired costume used in Ep5 reflected gendered social hierarchies embedded within bullfighting culture (in Spain, women only started being allowed to fight in the 19th-20th centuries). Dressed in clothes resembling that of a matador, Lestat beating & defeating Louis mirrored the defeat of the emasculated bull, and the reification of the victor's masculine prowess at the top of the foodchain.

#the vampire lestat #male fashion #fashion history #gender inequality #read a dang history book #operation matador #iwtv tvc metas #lestat de lioncourt

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snarkylinda · 2 years ago

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*Slams table* Spencer's Cowboy AU on 15x7 is living rent-free on my head so I decided to expand on it cause it's literally so wholesome and adorable- take it as a sort of celebration of me finally ending the show? I guess?? I had yet to watch Face Off and In the End but that is technically the finale so-

Spencer only mentions what he, J.J, Rossi and Penelope's roles would be in this tiny little town, so I will go ahead and assume that the rest of the guys are fellow cowboys and cowgirls, because I am imagining the aesthetic and uh-huh, it's serving.

I am pretty sure the AU is meant to be the modern version of cowboys, who had mostly evolved to using trucks but Spencer Reid is Spencer Reid so he goes full old style and uses a horse (well, "uses" is really loose here, he mostly just walks beside it and ride with the other guys lmao think of the very few times we see him drive in canon for reference), so does Luke, because I am convinced he has a soft spot for every animal and horses are cool as shit; the rest uses cars or motos for practicably's sake but when it comes to it all of them can ride like crazy. Yes, even J.J. with her silly lil flower shop.

Emily became this sheriff-ish person shortly after Hotch stepped down to live on the camp with his son in peace, but she is mostly at Rossi's drinking everything he has and making jabs at the town's politicians and how much they take out of her- a really wasted sheriff ends up being taken back to her home in a horse as her roomies watch with concern.

And yes, Emily and Spencer are roomies on this. Everyone that is not married and/or with kids (tho I made an few exceptions-) is someone's roomie on this, actually. Because it would be CUTE and the whole thing on Spence's mind is that everyone is on the same small town and he is so right- On 13x15 Spencer is loafing around Em's apparent like is his damn house so lmao, more to who is who's roomie down below but let's just say that Aristoteles (Spence's horse) had been riding (riden?? I dunno english is dumb) by a really wasted Emily that by his actual owner. The fucking thing rolls his eyes at her.

Rossi works with Ashley Seaver, who until before he re-married Chysta was the only other occupant of his saloon/home- and even after he ties the knot still is, don't worry. I just think in canon that their bond is really sweet and I can't really see her as another cowgirl- so an fellow bartender it is.

And speaking of minor girlies- On J.J's shop, she works with Jordan Todd who takes care of everything when she is on matertiny leave (or just busy with the kids in general) and -after a bad experience with a violent robber- ex-cowgirl Elle Greenaway. Before meeting Will and stuff, JJ and Jordan were roomies but ever since she became a family woman, Jordan moved to Elle's (and they kiss because that would be cool-) a little, modest house near J.J's shop. Pretty much everytime some of the Cow-fellows got hurt or something doing their job they would work for a while at J.J's or Rossi's, but Seaver, Jordan and Elle stayed there cause they preferred that life.

And speaking of former cowboys/girls- there had been a number of them that had retired and sold their cattle and bigger lands to settle in and have a nice little family. As I mentioned before, Hotch was the Sheriff before deciding to devote his time to being with Jack most of the time, so he is enjoying that sweet retirement money on an lil house near J.J's shop so his son can grow next to his "cousins".

Kate was a similar case- after getting pregnant, she hang the rope up and started to work on the little market near her home, selling her friend's farms products.

Alex was a cowgirl for an while and actually taught Spencer some things, but after an stressed cow almost kick his fucking head off his torso she went full "nope" and started teaching at the town's one and only's college, she and James lives near Spencer and Emily's tho so occasionally they read together.

And finally Derek was something like Hotch's second on command for an while but after finding love and stuff he became something like the town's handyman, so he could spend more time with newly born Hank. He was Spencer's roomie before Emily but the night he left, Reid gave him one of his cows as an "never forget me" present so lil Hank could be raised near these critters they had loved so much and raised together for 11 years- everyone is all ".....he is literally moving next door- you can WALK to everyone's house here!" but that don't stop the not very straight hug and tears.

Yes, Gideon is dead on here too- sorry but Spencer without some kind of trauma ain't Spencer- he just fell out of his horse after it got scared by thunder. (hehe, giving lore to what Reid's deal with ridding Aristoteles is-)

Stephen is alive tho. He plays Jazz with his band on Rossi's and is overall living his best life.

Luke and Tara are roomies. He used to be Matt's but *points to the Derek and Spencer's segment* family and kids happened, so Tara moved in shortly after she left her fiance. They live on a farm on the other side of town- (the Spen&Em farm is near the congress, theirs is closer to the dessert's part of it) They mostly have sheep instead of cows tho, since Roxy here is a herding dog and Tara used to be a veterinarian before moving to town. She didn't knew she wanted to be a cowgirl in one of the Spen&Em's cows escaped and went wild on town and she didn't fucking hesitate to take Luke's rope and handle the thing- since she decided to make girlbossing with cows and sheep her whole path in life. Luke also does patrols across town to keep order and stuff, but his night duties are mostly.... trap cows that a very drunk Sheriff had accidentally let out of her own farm. Look she is trying ok? and it's really funny. During the day, since Tara looks after the farm when she is not serving cunt, he helps at Penelope's, which brings me to...

Like Reid said in the famous scene, she works in an animal shelter. PG looks after literally anything that moves- since dogs and cats to that one snake that Tara brought with her from her first job (much to everyone's horror but she loves Noddle so everyone can suck it) and while she didn't "like" Luke at first (quote "this town is not big enough for two cowboys" ignoring the fact she is friends with 3 active cowboys- cowpeople?....cowboys.) but after he brought her his dog and horse, they started to bond over it and she pretty much goes to his home every single night since his farm has the most animals (remember that Tara is a former vet-) and also because that ever since Derek got an life and Emily moved out of her little coon she had been feeling a bit lonely and there is so much that dogs and cows can help with that.

Matt is the only active cowboy with family- But that is because he is more on the rescuer side- like a firefighter, the cow on the name is just the aesthetic lmao- so his horary is way more flexible since he doesn't has to actually watch for a herd or an alcoholic roomie.

An overall, despite the constant storms and other incidents, because the general population is really fucking dumb, despite the occasional tragedy and how many times that fucking cow leaves the farm and makes everyone's lives harder- at the end of the day, Cowboy Spencer just sits on the grass, a horse that is more of an assigned driver that an actual horse by his side, a stressed Sheriff with a killer hangover that is begging him to help her fill the taxes and a book on his lap as he is trying to explain the depth of the Odessey to his cow Mildret, and everything is good.

#criminal minds #there is so much shit to tag here omfg is pretty much EVERYONE #spencer reid #emily prentiss #penelope garcia #jennifer jareau #luke alvez #tara lewis #david rossi #those are the ones that have the most detail lmao

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the-ultimate-muses · 1 year ago

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Muse Masterpost

Canon Danganronpa: - Daiya Owada - Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu - Gundham Tanaka - Kazuichi Soda - Mondo Owada - Natsumi Kuzuryu

Ocs: - Asahi Kinoshito (Ult. Ornithologist) - Axel Burkett (Ult. Confectioner) - Basil Hayes (Ult. Cat Burglar) - Belladonna Sexton (Ult. Horror Makeup Artist) - Cassandra Sexton (Little Ult. Psychic) - Charlotte Reid (Ult. Veterinarian) - Clementine O'Shea (Ult. Vigilante) - Colt Maizen (Ult. Cowboy) - Daisy Stephenson (Ult. Therapist) - Henrietta "Mississippi" Jones (Ult. Archeologist) - John Byrne (Ult. Busker) - Kaori Kimura (Ult. Knitter) - Kinoko Amanita (Ult. Mycologist) - Kviiilyn Connors (Ult. Beauty Queen) - Nick Swayman (Ult. Hockey Player) - Oliver Beaugard (Ult. Baker) - Pavel Alyosha (Ult. Hockey Defenseman) - River Suso (Ult. Swing Dancer)

#doot doot dooo~#masterpost #muse list

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halloweenhoneylover · 4 years ago

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the window

summary: reader gives spencer a really cute holiday gift, and he really, really appreciates it (spencer reid x gn!reader)

word count: 2.7k

author’s note: this was supposed to be a blurb lmao. also anon, u did not specify gender, so this is gender neutral!!! also, this is for the holiday season and isn’t specific to christmas (aside from mentions of secret santa gift exchange). also also, spencer knits canonically.

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

Rolling your eyes, you closed the seemingly menacing pop-up on your screen and continued to finish up your paperwork. A few seconds passed before a second pop-up appeared.

DO NOT CLOSE MY MESSAGES!!!

You heaved a sigh and stood, making your way to Garcia’s lair. Pushing the door open, you skipped a greeting entirely and chided, “Dude, you gotta stop sending scary pop-ups to my computer. People are gonna start thinking that unsubs are hacking the FBI and threatening agents.”

From beneath her horn-rimmed glasses, Penelope tutted and chewed the end of her pen. “You are no fun. Besides, you are forgetting my immensely cool and mysterious origin story. ‘The Black Queen’ was not one of the good guys!”

“That’s true,” you admitted, “but you’re one of us now, so that means no more suspicious messages unless you want to be fired.”

She gave you a contemptuous glare, “Not gonna happen. Also, I’m really shocked that you thought you could distract me from the matter at hand.”

Furrowing your brow, you replied, “I don’t even know what the matter at hand is.”

Garcia’s smirk curled devilishly. “You and Reid.”

Further confusion ensued. “And what about us?”

She groaned and threw her head back, “Oh my god, you really are dragging this out. I know that you did not get him for Secret Santa, but you still got him a present.” The quirking of her eyebrows was enough to indicate that she meant more than what she was saying, and you were hesitant to explore the implications.

“Okay, first of all, it is illegal to look at my credit card history, and secondly, he is my best friend, so yes, I got him a present. Is that a crime?”

“Certainly not...but this does solidify the fact that you’re in love with him.”

“Dear god, Garcia, I am not in love with Spencer Reid.”

The look she gave you was one of utter incredulity. Her disbelief was so strong in fact that she did not deign your statement worthy of verbal response. Instead, she sat there. Staring. And under her rather unnerving gaze, you began to fidget, your resolve slowly dissolving. Squeezing your eyes shut, you relented.

“Okay, maybe I am the littlest, tiniest bit in love with Spencer Reid.”

“Well, duh, but what I really need to know is when you’re gonna tell him.”

“When? Garcia, this is not a ‘when’ question. Actually, it’s not a question at all because never in a million years would I ever tell him.”

“Why not?” she exclaimed, gesturing with her pen still in hand. “You spend almost all of your time together, at work and at home! You guys go to bookstores and museums and cafes. He talks about his silly little statistics, and you listen, and you make your silly little jokes, and he laughs; you’re a match made in heaven! And he’s so obviously into you! That boy writes the definition of heart eyes every time he looks at you.”

Steeling your jaw, you rebutted, “That’s just not true.” Your voice faltered. “Sure, I’ve noticed a certain...affection, but he does not love me in the same way I love him.” You let out a shaky breath before deciding to continue. “Did you know that in all of our years of friendship he’s never touched me? I mean sure, it’s happened once or twice in the field, but that was always an accident. And yeah, I know he has his thing with germs, but don’t you think if he liked me as anything more than a friend, he would have done something by now? A pinky promise, a teasing elbow jab—I don’t know—something?”

Penelope’s face softened, and she tried to recover your confidence. “He’s like that with everyone! He likes his space. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him initiate contact with anyone on the team.”

“But isn’t that the point, Garcia? I’m just like everyone else to him. He wants space from me.” Bitterness roiled in your stomach and dripped from your tongue. “Not very romantic, huh?”

Trying to piece together a counterargument, she stumbled slightly, “No, I will give you that.” She paused. “But I think he’s just scared. Not of germs, not of you, but of his feelings for you. He’s not the most well-adjusted person I know.”

You chuckled lightly, gradually resuming your normally light-hearted disposition, “I would agree.”

“Well, I hope he likes his present.”

The semblance of a tired smile graced your face. “Yeah, me too.”

You turned to walk out and had almost made it out the door when her voice stopped you. “Also, I will stop sending suspicious pop-ups to your computer.”

Peeking back through the doorway, you grinned.“I think it’d be for the best. Texting does exist for a reason.”

———

It had been a really good day. It wasn’t often where an entire day in the bullpen passed only with friends and laughter and love and light, but today was one of them. Snow fell silently outside the windows, but everything inside felt warm like laughing so hard that your cheeks ache and your stomach hurts.

By now, a sort of daze had befallen the team as the giddiness wore on and the alcohol set in, fuzzing eyes and minds. Most everyone had paired off after the gift exchange a few minutes prior, but no one had drifted too far. (Maybe it was the team instinct: never stray too far from the pack, but it was also likely that everyone just enjoyed the proximity to their loved ones, their family.) Garcia seemed to be in heaven, tucked into Morgan’s side on a couch that had been dragged haphazardly into the bullpen, and murmured conversation stretched on with intermittent peals of laughter. Predictably, Hotch and Rossi had sequestered themselves to a nearby desk, their scotch glasses never dry and grins never fading. (Hotch during the holidays was something special. His often frigid demeanor thawed, and out from the ice peeked his former self who wasn’t so serious. (His rare giggles were quite the surprise though.)) Emily and JJ sat on the latter’s desk, discussing anything and everything (except for psychopathic murderers), while you had pulled your chair up to sit beside Spencer at his desk.

“So are you pleased about your gift from Rossi?” you asked, a faint grin playing at your lips.

“I am,” he replied, clearly enthused. “But I don’t think I’ll ever understand how he managed to get an authentic TARDIS key.” His finger traced the edge of the authenticity certificate Rossi had bestowed on him that sat on his desk; the key was already hanging around his neck.

You raised your eyebrows and nodded. “Well, money is a powerful thing.”

“True,” he mused before furrowing his brow. “But that’s another thing, the expense limit is not a suggestion, but he always treats it like it is. Puts all the rest of us to shame.”

“There’s no shame in an inexpensive gift!” you argued. “As long as time or thought was put in, it doesn’t matter.”

“Penelope surely didn’t skimp on time spent for yours,” he said, pointing to the homemade knitted hat and glove set on the desk beside you.

“No, I did not!” she yelled from her spot on the couch, somehow having managed to pick up on your conversation, and you laughed. “Lots and lots of time and love was poured into those!” Her speech was slightly slurred as her eggnog intake began to infringe on her lucidity.

“I know this, and I love you for it,” you beamed at her.

“I love you too.” She proceeded to bury her face in Derek’s shoulder who could only chuckle at her antics.

You picked up a glove and inspected it. “I truly cannot comprehend how she made these. Circular knitting needles are my living hell.”

Sitting up with renewed interest, Spencer said, “If you need help with them, I could lend a hand. I knit my mom a sweater this year, and I think I finally understand how they work if you ever wanted me to show you.”

“I’d love that.” Hopefully, the flush of your cheeks could be blamed on the wine you had had. “Speaking of your mom, how is she? Are you excited to see her?”

The corners of his mouth turned up, and he nodded. “She’s good; her nurse said she’s been doing really well lately. She’s less paranoid, more alert, so I’m really excited. I think this will be a good trip.”

“I’m so glad!” You sat there with a dumb smile for a moment, your mind lagging for a moment (damn wine) before realization crashed onto you. “Wait, speaking of your mom, I have something for you!” He cocked his head to the side as you stood up and went to your desk, rifling through one of the drawers. Pulling out a neatly wrapped gift, you trotted back over and offered it to him. “This is for you.”

He took it, running a hand over the wrapping paper (it was the one with cowboys wearing Santa hats that you had found when shopping together a couple weeks before, his favorite). “(Y/N), you didn’t have to get me anything.”

Shrugging lightly, you said, “Yeah, I know we did the whole gift exchange thing, but I saw it, and I thought of you and had to get it.” And you definitely did not actively seek this out for him in the search for his perfect present. Which is something somebody who is definitely not in love with him would do.

He looked up at you, eyes already glassy and searching your face for something. You weren’t sure what he was looking for, but then he met your gaze with unwavering certainty. “Thank you, (Y/N/N).”

“No problem, ya big sap, now open it already.”

Ever the cautious one, he opened it carefully, sliding a finger under the edge of the paper and gently easing the tape up. The small action of unwrapping a present so attentively was just so Spencer your heart swelled as you suppressed the growing grin. From the paper emerged a book.

“‘A Collection of Poems by Geoffrey Chaucer,’” he murmured, smoothing a hand over the cover.

When he didn’t immediately react, seemingly frozen, nerves crept up the back of your neck, and you sputtered out some sort of reasoning. “I know your mom used to read Chaucer to you; you mentioned ‘The Parliament of Fowls’ when we worked the Fisher King case, and it’s in this collection, and I thought it’d be fun for you to take it to Vegas and read it together and—”

Your explanation came to an abrupt halt as Spencer threw his arms around you, enveloping you in a bone-crushing hug. Immediately melting into it, you embraced him with a similar intensity and buried your face in his neck. Something in his touch allowed you to let go, and it felt like the moment you could finally exhale.

A breath you’d been holding for longer than you could remember.

You could smell the cologne that he wore for ‘special occasions’ and his shampoo and something so faint but so undeniably him, and his hand slid up to the back of your head, cradling it in the most tender fashion, and you felt like you could cry. So you pulled him closer, and he did the same.

The hug definitely lasted longer than what most people would find comfortable, but neither of you could be convinced to retreat until you became aware of the silence that had settled over the bullpen. You felt the many pairs of eyes on you, and it pained you to pry yourself off of Spencer. Breathless, you looked around at the shocked faces of your co-workers who sat with mouths agape and eyes wide. You coughed slightly to try to ease the tension and then for some reason beyond your knowledge, you decided to wave at them in the most awkward fashion. Sitting back down, you could feel stares lingering as conversation resumed, and you looked up at Reid who looked like a deer in headlights. You laughed quietly, tugging his sleeve until he received the memo and sat down again.

He cleared his throat and avoided eye contact, glancing at his present. “Thank you for the book, (Y/N/N).”

“You’re welcome,” you replied, your tone earnest as ever. Still reeling from the hug, you faintly became aware of the speed of your heartbeat and unconsciously brought a hand to your chest. You attempted fruitlessly to sort through your raging thoughts, while across from you, Spencer tried to think of something, anything to say now.

He couldn’t really believe he’d done it. His germaphobia remained everpresent, but somehow the emotion welling in his chest at your sincerity and benevolence had overridden it, and he felt helpless in stopping himself. His heart had lurched in his chest as if it was suddenly struck with the need to be in your hands, propelling him forward. But it wasn’t like he hadn’t wanted to. He had wanted to for so long, but he’d never mustered the courage before. There was something so special, so intimate about touch, and so many people gave it so freely, and he just didn’t understand how they could allow themselves the indulgence. The absolute luxury of giving and receiving love. Spencer often felt like he sat by a window, watching his life pass by outside of it, and he had always wanted to open it, to really experience all the joy and all the grief and all the love that was waiting for him, but it was scary to open himself up to those feelings and the hurt that could ensue. So, he usually sat discontented by his window. But today, it was like he’d grabbed a hammer and smashed the glass completely and stepped through to be able to return the love you had offered him.

It felt so good.

But now, he had no idea what to do. He stood there in the midst of the shattered glass, and deep down, he knew had to take the last couple steps to get to you, but he didn’t know how.

His fingers fidgeted in his lap as he analyzed your blank face, trying to find something to give him the next direction when a realization hit him. “I didn’t get you anything!”

Drawn back from the depths of whatever thought you had been stuck in, you met his gaze and shook your head. “Seriously, don’t worry about it. I broke the gift exchange rules to get you something, so you had no way of knowing.”

“But I feel terrible.” His eyebrows drew together, and he frantically tried to think of some way to repay you. “You get me an incredibly lovely and wonderfully thoughtful gift, and I’m the loser who didn’t get his best friend a present!”

“Spencer—”

“Wait!” he interrupted, a revelation arriving. (He knew how to take the last steps.) “When I get back after the holidays, do you want to get dinner with me? Then, we can go to the bookstore on 10th that you love, and you can pick out a book, and I’ll pay.”

Your eyes widened further than you thought possible, and your heart which had only partially recovered was off to the races once again. You decided to take the plunge and ask the burning question. “Do you—um, do you mean like a date?”

“Yeah,” he answered, beaming so brightly. “Yes. Like a date. If you want to.”

You held each other’s gaze, and the warmth that had filled the bullpen all day filled your chests, and you smiled so hard your faces hurt.

So silly, you thought, to have wasted all this time boarding up my affection and keeping it tucked away, safe and useless.

So ridiculous, he thought, to have sat by that stupid window for so many years when the real thing feels so sweet.

“I think I’d like that a lot.”

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid #anon i hope u enjoy!!!!#this was only written between the hours of 1 and 3 am so if that impacts the quality i am terribly sorry #but i like some of the end of it so we'll see #:)#<3 #also am i legally allowed to post a fic that doesn't have a bsf garcia scene? no #all the homies liking this at 3:26 am? i love u

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wonderlandhatter · 3 years ago

Note

what is your favorite spencer reid canon, then write a drabble about it!

probably that this genius man with a bookshelf of degrees wants to be a cowboy, i love that scene where he says it and when jj asks what he would do with cows he's just like (idk id look at them and pet them).

i think penelope would find out about this an for his birthday or just on some random day she would take him to one of those farms thta lets you pet andfeed the animals, hed be so happy. i have a vivi image of him while petting a fluffy cow he would start talking to it and knowing him hed start giving the cow facts about cows lol.

You and Penelope had been friends for as long as she could remember, she knew you had a farm with the most beautiful horses, the fluffiest cows and the softest sheep, she also knew Spencer dreamt of being a cowboy and that she needed a birthday present for him that would be as perfect as her boy genius was, and maybe she hoped the shy genius would fall for the vibrant cowgirl.

when they arrived at the farm Spencer felt like he was on cloud 9, he had started bouncing on the passenger seat when the car drove past the the most majestic horses he had ever seen.

when they arrived Penelope introduced him to your father who whad agreed to take them around the farm while you took care of the last of your jobs around the farm. He first took Penelope and Spencer to see the cows as those were the ones he had seemed the most excited about.

Spencer nearly squealed when he saw the fluffy cows but held himself back as to not embarrass himself infront of just a manly cowboy. Penelope did no such thing as soon as she saw them she started jumping and running to the edge of the fence, how she did that in her heels was a mystery to spencer and physics.

Spencer stood beside Penelope, your father left them there so he could work and informed them you'd be there to help them as soon as you were free.

They looked at the fluffy cows , enjoying observing them in silence, relishing in the peace., “I think that one looks like a Stephanie” piped up Penelope pointing to cow that looked particularly sassy, Spencer turned to penelope amused at her statement and asked what he knew she wanted “why do you think that Garcia?”, “well just look at her pretty boy she has all the bulls at her feet, and look at her hair all the other cows would be jealous, she's just so confident and sassy and ahhh oh my god wonder boy one of them is coming to you��. Spencer nearly gave himself whiplash turning to look at the cow that was about to make him the happiest man alive.

He would have been more than happy just looing at them, getting to pet one might actually make him explode with happiness, and he was fine with that, he could die a happy man having pet a fluffy cow. The cow came right up to him, closer than he was expecting, sniffing his lovely button up cardigan

“His name is Camile” you piped up now standing beside him, Spencer jumped at the sound of your voice not having hear you approach as he was completely wrapped up in the cow in front of him, after he composed himself he glanced at you and had to double take, you were beautiful just like an angel sent to earth purely to make him a stuttering fool in front of you.

You almost (key word there is almost lol) made him forget about the fluffy cow in front of him. You looked at him and smiled at his flustered expression at being caught staring, having such a cute man look at you like that made you blush too and look down, you spoke up again quickly trying to get his attention off of you, “you can pet him, you know, he's very friendly and loves the attention”.

Spencer was apprehensive at first, he didn't want to accidentally hurt her, he looked to his left to see if Penelope would do it first but she had found some baby ducklings following their mother and was taking pictures to send to Hotch because she said they were the ducklings and Hotch was the mother.

“Here I can do it first” you said as you put your hand on top of Camille's head and started to scratch, Spencer giggled when he saw Camille's reaction, you really weren't lying when you said he’d like it,.

Spencer slowly put his hand on Camille's head after being comforted by eeing you do it and after giving him an encouraging smile and head nod toward Camille. As soon as he touched her fur it felt like heaven, he started scratching Camille with both hands, “she's so soft, its amazing” you milled at him, he looked adorable, “yeah she is, she's probably one of the softest here”.

“Did you know cows have 32 teeth, they will chew about 50 times in a minute, making their jaws move about 40000 times a da.. sorry I didn't mean to start that”, you had enjoyed hearing his little fact he looked so happy telling it and it broke your heart a bit when his face fell when he stopped himself, “no no keep going I liked hearing it, and i think Camille did too”, Spencer smiled at the Camille comment and then looked at you to find any microexpretions that'd indicate you were lying but he found nothing but your genuine eyes and kind smile.

“Um well the main stomach of a cow, the rumen, holds up yo 50 gallons of food that has been partially digested.” he was about to keep going when felt the fluffy cloud of heaven move away form him, “did I hurt her? I'm sorry I didn't mean to oh no she must hate me “, you stopped him before he would make himself feel worse “hey hey no don't worry you did nothing wrong it’s just feeding time, she’ll be back in about half an hour”, Spencer was slightly embarrassed at his reaction, you just thought it was cute, “oh ok”. You both stood there for a minute not wanting to leave yet, just looking at the lovely cows being gathered so they could eat.

You were the first to speak up, “um penny said you liked horses”, Spencer brightened up at that, “yes I really do, when I was younger I had a friend that had one and it was the most beautiful animal I'd ever seen, I spent most of that summer pretending I was a cowboy” he said smiling at the beloved memory, “well we happen to have horses here, we could go see them if you'd like”, “really?”, “yeah of course, they are my personal favourite, I could ride them all day, you know if you'd like you could ride one”, Spencer's eyes nearly popped out of his head ,”really?”, “ yeah of course, you've got the boots for it”, spencer looked down admiring the boot Penelope had gifted him for his birthday.

“Let me just get the saddles, give me a minute ok” you ran off to the barn leaving Spencer behind as he stared at your running figure, you were perfect, the farm was perfect, this was perfect.

#this is why i dont write anymore lol #its rubish #anyways thank you for the ask i actually enjoyed writting a lot #spencer reid #Criminal Minds #spencer x reader #spencer reid drabble #spencer reid fluff

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dustofbrokenheart · 4 years ago

Text

The Covenant Halloween Party Imagines

Caleb

He will pick a conventional costume, nothing too flashy. A doctor costume, complete with blue scrubs, a white overcoat, and a stethoscope, practically screams Caleb Danvers.

But will agree to do a couple’s costume with you. Just let him know what you have planned and he’ll make sure to get it ready by the big party.

Caleb picks you up in his cool Mustang to take you to the party and gives you a simple flower bouquet. He gives you gifts all the time but you still become giddy whenever you get one.

Once you’re settled in the car, he leans over the center console to give you a tender kiss, his fingers caressing your cheek. You hold hands the entire drive over.

At the party you plan to hit up the snacks and drinks first, but, being the popular boy that he is, Caleb is stopped every couple of steps by someone that wants to talk to him.

He looks at you with apologetic eyes with every new stop and you lean into him reassuringly each time. Sometimes you wished he was a little more anonymous around, but you tried not let it bother you—you knew what you were getting into when you guys got involved.

Finally, the food is within reach and Caleb makes sure to pile your plate high with what you tell him to grab. It’s chips, dips, cucumber chunks, and fruit pieces galore.

Some chairs open up and Caleb and you book it over there before anyone else can snag them.

You two take your time snacking, commenting on what other party goers are doing around you.

“Wow! Look at that make-up job! It’s gorgeous,” you gush while looking at someone with silver stars painted on their face. “Not as gorgeous as you,” Caleb assures. You shove some cucumber in his mouth to shut him up before he can make you more flustered.

After the plates of snacks are finished, you walk around looking for the next thing to do.

You pull Caleb to a stop when you see a game of Jenga in process in the corner. Caleb and you exchange a look and immediately go over to wait for the start of a new game.

When it’s your turn, you pull the block out with the utmost concentration, your tongue sticking out and your brow furrowed. Caleb goes next and when he also pulls a block out successfully, you cheer your loudest to show support for your boyfriend.

The rounds continue and the tower slims down block by block. On Caleb’s last turn he chooses a risky piece, saying, “Go big or go home.” The tower immediately rumbles and his hand is surround by fallen blocks.

Onlookers give him crap for it, but he takes it like a good sport. You hook your chin over his shoulder and while stroking his shoulders whisper in his ear, “Guess it’s time for us to go home then.”

Pogue

He’s comfortable showing skin, but he also isn’t the type to spend money on a costume. He will try to pull something together from what he already has at home. Grabs jeans and leather chaps to pair with a cowboy hat and calls it good—no shirt or jacket needed.

Much like Bon Jovi, Pogue rides a steal horse and will pick you up on his sweet Ducati bike, so hope that you are wearing something that will be comfortable to ride in for your own sake.

How is it possible for him to feel hot to the touch when it was an October night in Massachusetts and he wasn’t wearing anything up top?

When you arrive, Pogue parks the bike and helps you off. Wrapping his bare, heavy arm around your shoulder, you head inside together.

He takes the lead and acts as a shield between you and the rest of the crowd. He keeps his arm around you. Everyone at the Academy knows you two are an item but Pogue knows how some of the other classmates are, so this way he can keep any creeps from bothering you.

Pogue complains when he finds out the only thing there to eat s candy corn. Not a fan. But he will go to get the drinks after you’re situated with a seat. Before he leaves, he takes off the cowboy hat and places it on your head. It doesn’t match your costume at all, but you learned early on that he loves seeing you wear his stuff, so you’re not phased at all.

He’s gone for a while, so you figure he must have run into someone he knows. Suddenly, someone else joins you at your table. You feel a little awkward since you don’t know this guy, but he doesn’t seem drunk or rowdy, so you allow it.

That may have been a mistake because even though he doesn’t try engaging you in conversation, he keeps staring at you. Blatant looks that he doesn’t bother hiding. It is terribly uncomfortable.

Pogue must have read you mind because he returns to you just as you were starting to squirm. He immediately notices the unwanted guest and sizes him up. “Hey babe, everything cool?”

He doesn’t even have to speak to the other guy to confront him—Pogue’s stare is enough to scare anyone.

You sigh in relief as Pogue now takes the empty seat. “Thanks,” you say, leaning into his bare chest. “Any time,” he responds with a kiss to your temple.

The two of you drink and talk at the table. Both of you stick to beer knowing that the hard stuff would be a bad idea given that you have to leave on a motorcycle.

At one point someone tries to drag Pogue to join the costume contest that was taking place. They swear that his cowboy look is a shoe-in to win (and a clear thirst trap, you think to yourself) but he wants to part of it. For a guy confident in his looks, he isn’t interested in parading himself around.

Later on, you hear one of your favorite songs start to play over the speakers and start dancing from the comfort of your chair. Pogue smirks over at you. “If you wanna come dance on my lap, I won’t say no.” Your face burns in embarrassment. But you do end up in his lap by the end of the night.

Reid

Will definitely do a bros couple costume with Tyler. Is there a more perfect choice than doing Ghostface from Scream? It’s scary, simple, and there were two killers canonically in the original!

You plan to meet him at the party and when you get there he makes you guess which Ghostface is him. Gives himself away because he asks you in person, immediately revealing his voice, and the fact that he’s the one on the left.

Reid is one of those people that look ridiculous when trying to be cool and suave, but pull it off flawlessly when they aren’t.

When you giggle behind your hand at his goof up he removes his mask. He scratches his neck and rolls his eyes. “It wasn’t that funny, princx.”

To put him at ease you go over and squeeze his hand. He accepts your nonverbal apology and squeezes back.

Leading you deeper into the house his first course of action is to get you something to sip on. He’ll let you choose whatever, but if you can’t decide, he’ll mix something yummy for you.

The alcohol loosens you up and you drag him out to the dance floor because you want to dance with your man. Reid will indulge you for a song or two before pulling away. Dancing isn’t really his thing.

He has no problem letting you do your thing while he does his. He stays close though, in case you need back-up dealing with a pushy party goer.

The second someone tries getting touchy with you, to the point that you have to shove them away from you, that person suddenly start vomiting all over themselves. Before you can question what just happened, Reid is there to whisk you to the corner where he’s in the middle of a game of darts.

You act as his personal cheerleader and go crazy every time he throws.

Even though he’s paying more attention to you, and frequently sneaks in kisses that leave you breathless, he manages to smoke the other players. They all grumble but hand over $20 each before starting another round.

“Reid, that’s way too much money, especially for a party game! Give the money back,” you insist. “Sorry, Y/N, but a bet’s a bet.” You raise your eyebrow stiffly and he gives in, complaining the whole time.

As a reward for his good behavior, you curl your finger at him and drag him to an empty room where you two spend the rest of the party, lips locked and bodies pressed tightly together.

Reid is in nirvana and contemplates other ways to get rewarded like this.

Tyler

Does a bros couple costume with Reid. Quickly persuaded by Reid to go along with the Ghostface idea.

Unless, of course, you have your heart set on doing a couples costume with him. Because then he dismisses Reid’s idea and is behind you 100%.

Tyler arrives and you rush to open the door, eager to show off your part of the costume in person. He melts when you spin around your porch so he can fully appreciate the look. You take a few cute photos of you guys together and then head to the Hummer.

You are not surprised to see Reid in the car too, but it is surprising that he isn’t at the wheel. Tyler gives you a jokingly wounded face. “Come on, Y/N, I can be tough with him when I need to.”

The Hummer pulls up to the party and Tyler opens the door, holding out his hand to help you out of the car. Tyler shoos Reid away so you two can enjoy your date night.

He’s actually the one that asks you to dance. You’re really thankful that he knows you so well—you love to dance but you’re fairly shy and too self-conscious to take the initiative.

You two don’t take yourselves seriously at all which makes dancing even more fun. You do a sock-hop shimmy type of move and Tyler does his best attempt at moonwalking. When Thriller comes on you both lose your minds. Neither of you really know the choreography, but you try you try your best to recreate the moves.

The song ends and you hug, laughing the whole time. There’s no way the moves you pulled out for Thriller can be topped so you exit the dance space.

Tyler and you wander around for a bit, stopping to chat whenever you come across someone you know.

Eventually, you find yourselves outside on the back porch. The energy from inside dies down with the quiet outdoors which inspires a walk through the backyard. It’s the perfect fall night: a luminous full moon, the crunch of fallen leaves, and a chill in the air.

Speaking of chill, your costume is thin enough that you get cold within ten minutes. Tyler notices and plops down at the base of a tree. He pats his lap and you sit in between his legs, your back against his chest.

He rubs his hands up and down your arms and you swear that you start to feel heat spread from his hands to your body. It’s weird, almost like magic.

“You look so good tonight,” he says quietly, “You really do. Thanks for coming with me.”

Tyler always makes your heart race when he starts talking like this. You give him a gentle peck on the lips that turns into something more passionate. But you’re still at a party and before things can escalate too far, you pull away. The two of you were content to sit under the tree, whispering and lost in your own little world.

#the covenant #caleb danvers #pogue parry #reid garwin #tyler simms #sons of ipswitch #imagines

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dresupi · 4 years ago

Note

Do you have a favorite Darcy Lewis/Someone in Bones ship? For that matter, what are your favorite crossover ships?

I haven’t ever written any Bones ships, but like... I have a Darcy/Spencer Reid (Criminal Minds)/Zack Addy crossover fic planned, so one could be led to believe that I’d ship Darcy Lewis/Zack Addy... and if one is led there, one is correct.

That’s a super verbose way of saying I ship her with Zack.

ALTHOUGH, I could also see her as being like an ex of Angela as well? Like an amicable ex? WHOA, maybe that’s the fic right there? She comes in to visit Angela because she’s in the area, and like that’s how she meets Zack? In a canon divergent universe that I will have to figure out before I write it, but yeah. I could see that being a thing.

As far as crossover ships, I am EXTREMELY fond of a few. Darcy/Spencer Reid is one. I have quite a few fics (long and short) of this pairing, so if I had to pick a favorite, it’d be this one. My good friend, @thestanceyg is the captain of this ship and her stuff is like six one-hundred emojis worth of amazing.

Darcy/John Watson (Sherlock), Darcy/Dean Winchester (Supernatural), and Darcy/Sam Winchester (Supernatural). I also like Darcy/Jaskier (The Witcher), I’ve written a few shorts of that one.

OH, and Arthur Morgan/Darcy Lewis! My friend, @that-wimpy-cowboy-doll wrote a great one shot of this ship, and if you play Red Dead Redemption II and are a fan of Darcy Lewis, I highly recommend giving it a read. (It’s here)

Oh, and I wrote a short Darcy Lewis/Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid recently as well.

Outside of Darcyland, I enjoy Sansa Stark/Geralt of Rivia *chef’s kiss*

Most of my crossover faves are Darcyland ngl. *hides behind hands*

This is probably so much more than you were asking for, omg. I’m sorry for the word vomit. I just have feelings that cannot be contained.

#Crossovers and Fusions #Darcyland #Darcyland Crossovers #meri47

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girlasterisk · 4 years ago

Text

ideas

star wars

mando with the darksaber

mcu

tony holding the car battery attached to him

criminal minds:

reid and emily

the team but make them 2020 teens

stranger things:

eleven in her fit

max in billy’s shadow

steve and his bat

spn:

lawboy animation

cas workout art based on this

pre-canon new orleans bi dean fic

domestic destiel but cas meets dean pre-canon

individual shots of life (ex: cas reading, sam reasearching, dean drinking coffee)

more fic ideas from anon

fics with these prompts

steve!cas outside pov fic bc this

portraits (watercolor?) with nature

paint this paint this paint this

stuff from 5x16

jack centered college au fic

anyone and everyone as 2020 teens

dark academia sam

ghost kevin n his mom :’)

crowley on his throne

young dean/omc (prob being scared of john because apparently i’m evil to my drawings and i’ve read lots of those fics)

destiel date (au and canon)

ghostfacers fjekksdjdj

lucifer!sam n michael!dean (battling perhaps)

spn hp au (h!cas n jack, r!kevin n charlie, g!sam dean claire, s!rowena n crowley)

spn as clue (plum!dean, green!cas, mustard!sam, etc)

cas n pregnant kelly sitting on the floor painting walls and building a crib (modern au)

tfw 2.0 draw my squad modern sweater feels (coffeeshop au-ish?)

wholesome dreamhunter (canon or au)

either a comic or one frame of this

cas winking at dean screencap from 9x09

various versions of cas

claire n jack being siblings and claire teasing jack for being angelically clueless

tfw or just destiel in the 1940s

demon!dean n michael!dean playing card

dean cooking as a sleepy cas hugs him from behind

cas wearing conans pink cowboy hat (“i thought we were done with the absurd hats dean”)

john n kids looking tfw 2.0 (+eileen)

jack on halloween

cas coming back in s13 in front of the telephone booth

saileen

redraw of old drawings

not fandom:

someone in bed with a hood and headphones on with moonlight coming through the window

please feel free to use any of these ideas (and if u do feel free to tag me bc i would love to see them!)

also lemme know if u have other ideas i could add on here thanks!

#neena.exe #it’s so very long #to draw

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junker-town · 7 years ago

Text

17 stats that tell you everything you missed from Christmas weekend in the NFL

Three playoff spots remain up for grabs, Todd Gurley is surging in the MVP race, and the Bears remain undefeated (against the AFC North).

It’s OK if you forgot there was a full slate of NFL games this past weekend. Thanksgiving is the NFL’s holiday, while Christmas usually belongs to the NBA.

Or maybe you wanted to watch, but you couldn’t for various yuletide reasons. Family obligations, travel, your annual tradition of marathoning Die Hard, or Elf, or A Christmas Story, or alternating between Home Alone and Home Alone 2 à la Victor Oladipo (Home Alone 3, you ain’t canon).

If you couldn’t keep up with all the action from this weekend, then you missed quite the ride. There was a butt interception, Butt Fumble 2: Lost in New York Orleans, Andy Reid dressing up as Santa, and DeAndre Hopkins coming down with one of the best touchdowns you’ll ever see.

For everything else that happened, let’s hit the numbers and catch you up.

The playoff field got mostly settled this weekend. The Saints, Panthers, Chiefs, and Rams are in, the Cowboys are officially out, and there are now six teams left fighting for three open spots.

Next week will decide who gets the final wild card spot in the NFC (the Falcons or Seahawks) and who will be the Nos. 5 and 6 seeds in the AFC (Ravens, Titans, Bills, or Chargers).

Either way, we’ve got some new blood in the playoffs this year:

2017 will mark the first time in the Super Bowl era that the Cowboys, Giants, Redskins, Packers, and 49ers all missed the playoffs. The last time all 5 of those teams missed the postseason was in 1964.

— NFL Research (@NFLResearch) December 25, 2017

And some familiar faces as well ...

The Steelers grinchedly beat up the Texans on Christmas Day, guaranteeing themselves a first-round bye for the third time this decade. That could end up being the best Christmas present they could ask for:

Steelers clinch a first-round bye. Each of the last two times they've had a first-round bye they've reached the Super Bowl (won in 2008, lost in 2010)

— ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) December 26, 2017

But they’ll have to wait until New Year’s Eve to see if it’s them or the Patriots who earn home-field advantage.

Todd Gurley has made a strong case for his MVP campaign lately. Following up a career day against the Seahawks a week ago, he hurdled all over the Titans on Christmas Eve:

Gurley hurdle count: 2️⃣#LAvsTEN

— Los Angeles Rams (@RamsNFL) December 24, 2017

More like Todd Hurdley:

Gurley accounted for 118 yards on the ground and a whopping 158 receiving yards and two touchdowns as the Rams clinched the NFC West for the first time in 14 years. He became just the third player ever — along with Ollie Matson and Herschel Walker — to put up 100+ rushing yards and 150+ receiving yards in the same game.

Gurley, who leads the league with 13 rushing touchdowns, also has six TD receptions under Sean McVay this year. It should be noted that he had zero receiving TDs in two seasons under Jeff Fisher.

4-0

The Bears are staring down a potential 5-11 season after Sunday’s win over the Browns, but they’d be much, much better if they played in the AFC North instead of its NFC counterpart. Four of their wins — 80 percent — have come against the Steelers, Ravens, Bengals, or Browns. At the same time, Chicago is 0-5 in its own division.

This season, they’ve beaten two teams that have clinched playoff spots (Pittsburgh, Carolina) and one more in line for a postseason berth (Baltimore). At the same time, they’ve lost games to:

a) the five-win 49ers

b) the four-win Buccaneers, and

c) the Brett Hundley-led Packers

So all hail the true AFC North champions, the Chicago Bears. If 2017 turns out to be John Fox’s last as a head coach, at least he can take solace in the fact it made no sense whatsoever.

The Vikings’ 16-0 win over the Packers on Saturday was Minnesota’s first shutout in 24 years. They last blanked a team in 1993, when they beat the Lions 13-0.

They’re close to clinching a first-round bye. If they do that, they’ll only need two wins in January to be the first ever team to play a home game in the Super Bowl.

Adam Thielen’s hometown hero rags-to-riches story, Case Keenum’s emergence, Teddy Bridgewater’s return ... it’s getting harder and harder to unlink the Vikings from being a team of destiny.

4 years, 11 months, 24 days

The Jets made the bold decision to go for an onside kick on the opening kickoff of their game against the Chargers. The Jets recovered.

It’s been a very long time since any team has tried an onside kick within the first 30 seconds of any game. It hasn’t happened since Dec. 30, 2012, which was the Eagles’ 42-7 Week 17 loss to the New York Giants. Like the Jets, the Eagles started the game with an onside kick and recovered. The drive ended with a Michael Vick interception, so it was all for naught.

The Jets didn’t gain anything from their successful onside kick, either. The drive fizzled out on the 50-yard line, and the Jets were forced to punt. The Chargers won 14-7.

70,000

Drew Brees became just the third quarterback in NFL history to pass for over 70,000 yards in his career on Sunday. He still trails Peyton Manning, who’s on top with 71,940 yards, and Brett Favre at No. 2 with 71,838 yards.

Brees is first in this group in one category.

Drew Brees becomes the fastest player to 70,000 passing yards in NFL history (248 games) Peyton Manning: 258 games Brett Favre: 293 games https://t.co/m6Nh5ybhRm

— NFL Research (@NFLResearch) December 24, 2017

Provided that Brees doesn’t shock the world with an unexpected retirement announcement after the season, he should land at the top of the list sometime next year.

103

Damiere Byrd has come on strong for the Panthers when they’ve needed him the most. The former undrafted free agent hadn’t scored a touchdown in his two-year NFL career before Week 15 when he hauled in a pair of Cam Newton passes in the back of the end zone to propel Carolina to a 31-24 win that ended Green Bay’s playoff hopes. On Sunday, he came through in a different facet of the game, setting a franchise record with a 103-yard kickoff return that gave the Panthers a 12-6 lead in the second quarter of their game against the Buccaneers.

That score being huge, not just because it set a record. Carolina eked out a 22-19 win and is now headed back to the postseason.

Four starts. Four wins in a row. That’s what Jimmy Garoppolo has done so far in San Francisco. The 49ers also boast the NFL’s longest current winning streak. It’s quite a turnaround for a team that won exactly one game this season before Garoppolo took over as the starter.

But Garoppolo didn’t just ball out this week in the Niners’ 44-33 win over the Jaguars. He went 21-of-30 passing for 242 yards and two touchdowns against the top pass defense in the NFL.

Garoppolo remains perfect as a starting QB in the NFL, dating back to his two starts for the Patriots a season ago:

Jimmy G is still undefeated as a starting QB! http://pic.twitter.com/fPWzvVyKCe

— SB Nation (@SBNation) December 25, 2017

He also managed to help out his former team. The Patriots clinched a first-round bye thanks to the Jaguars’ loss.

129

New England went into Sunday’s showdown with the Bills down two running backs, but Dion Lewis made sure his team wouldn’t miss James White or Rex Burkhead. The 5’8 tailback was the latest man to star in Bill Belichick’s backfield rotation, carving up the Bills with a career-high 129 yards. He’d score one touchdown on the ground and add another through the air to keep the Patriots in the AFC’s top spot.

Lewis stepped up when his team needed him the most, playing bigger than his frame to grind out tough yards throughout the second half.

35 (of 36)

The Seahawks have scored 36 offensive touchdowns in 2017. Russell Wilson has either thrown for or rushed for 35 of those. Seattle’s inability to develop an offense outside of its Pro Bowl quarterback has never been more evident than this season, where a disappointing rushing attack has gotten just 3.3 yards per carry from its tailbacks. Only undrafted rookie J.D. McKissic has found the end zone without Wilson being heavily involved.

They still got the win over the Cowboys this week, but it wasn’t thanks to the offense:

Seahawks are the first team to win a game with more penalty yards (142) than total yards (136) since the Eagles in 1966 (also did it against the Cowboys).

— ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) December 25, 2017

100

Larry Fitzgerald hauled in his 100th catch of the season for a 13-yard touchdown on Sunday afternoon against the Giants. By doing so, Fitzgerald became the only member of an exclusive NFL club.

That 13-yard TD catch gives @LarryFitzgerald 100 catches for the season. He becomes the first player in NFL history to record 100 catches & 1,000 receiving yards in a season he began at age 34 or older #NYGvsAZ

— Mark Dalton (@CardsMarkD) December 24, 2017

It was a big day for Fitzgerald, who also completed a pass for the first time in his 14-year career on Sunday. Fitzgerald’s score also snapped an 11-quarter streak without a touchdown for the Cardinals.

Sunday may have been Fitzgerald’s last home game with the Cardinals. He signed a one-year extension that keeps him under contract through the 2018 season, but he hasn’t decided if he’ll actually return to the field next year. If this was Fitzgerald’s last home game in Arizona, it’ll be a memorable one.

Keenan Allen is such a good receiver, he’s catching passes from opposing team’s quarterbacks. The Chargers’ No. 1 wideout shut down Bryce Petty’s half-ending Hail Mary against the Jets, ripping the ball out of the sky and returning it 34 yards as the clock expired.

It wound up being Allen’s longest reception of the day. He finished the Los Angeles win with five catches for 53 yards.

142

The Bengals entered Week 16 with the worst rushing offense in the NFL. For symmetry’s sake, they also had the worst rushing defense.

So with their playoff hopes on the line, what did the Lions do? Give up 142 yards on the ground and rush for a paltry 87 yards in a disappointedly limp 26-17 loss to Cincinnati. That put the bow on their season — and potentially Jim Caldwell’s job.

And FYI, the Bengals now have the second-worst rushing attack and running defense.

97.4

Joe Flacco has a reputation for turning it on in the playoffs and it looks like he’s gearing up to walk that road again. Before December, he had nine touchdowns and 11 interceptions through 11 games. In four games during the last month on the calendar, Flacco has seven touchdowns, one interception and a 98.2 passer rating.

On Saturday, he led the Ravens on five scoring drives of at least 10 plays, and looked calm, cool, and collected every step of the way.

The Ravens haven’t been in the playoffs since 2014, but a win over the Colts put them on the doorstep. All they need to do is beat the Bengals in Week 17 to lock up a spot.

If Flacco keeps playing the way he has in December, the Ravens might not be as easy as an out as everyone says they’ll be.

The Baltimore defense leads the league with 22 interceptions and has added 15 forced fumbles on the season. But when the Ravens beat the on Saturday, they did it without forcing a single turnover.

That’s the first time that’s happened since Week 1 of the 2016 season, when the Ravens managed to squeak out a 13-7 win against Buffalo despite not getting Tyrod Taylor and the Bills to turn the ball over.

The Colts are 3-12, but taking care of the football is one of the only things the offense has done moderately well this year. Jacoby Brissett has thrown just seven picks and the Colts have only six lost fumbles.

The Eagles’ 19-10 win over the Raiders was sloppy. The two teams spent much of the second half trading turnovers, starting in the third quarter and ending on the very last play of the game. The two teams gave the ball away a combined seven times, which is the most in any half this season.

Two other games this year have come close:

The Raiders and Eagles have combined for 6 turnovers in the second half - tied for the most turnovers in a half this season. Week 14: Lions & Buccaneers combined for 6 turnovers in the first half Week 6: Lions & Saints combined for 6 turnovers in the second half

— NFL Research (@NFLResearch) December 26, 2017

It looked like the Raiders and Eagles might finish with six in the second half. But the Eagles’ Derek Barnett scooped up a Jalen Richard fumble on the Raiders’ desperate series of laterals at the very end of the game, and he ran it into the end zone. That gave the Eagles a 19-10 win and home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.

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