#covid has kicked my ass for the past week and continues to do so

[lucysweatslove]

Tw for some ED-related talk. However it’s not under a readmore because it’s not anything directly related to ED behavior or hugely specific things- it’s more talking about my experience now and reflecting on triggers.

I talk about it all the time (because it’s been a huge life goal), but I start school again in July. It’s been a long time coming, and part of this was because I didn’t feel right applying before I was healthy / recovered. I’ve known that scholastic type things trigger me for various reasons, and I felt wrong applying before I was in a really good place where I could handle those triggers without it interfering with school.

And that’s also partly why I did my master’s degree- it was my first time in school since recovery, and I think I needed to prove to myself that I can do it. I can be on the same campus as I would be in med school, in the same buildings, surrounded by the same type of people, and be fine. And I was! And I kicked ass! And now I start the next chapter and will hopefully also be fine and kick ass!

Buuuuut.

Last night reminded me that my triggers aren’t ever going to be gone. I can be fully weight restored, in a plus-size body, not engaging in any intentional low-calorie restriction with plans for huge weight loss, and I’ll still be triggered. I still have body dissatisfaction and some automatic thoughts that are disordered, even if am not actually acting on them.

The autism and ADHD diagnoses have allowed me to look through my triggers with a slightly different lens. I’m not saying my neurodivergence caused my eating disorder, but I have learned that high levels of social interactions are very triggering for me. I think this is related to me desperately wanting to control how others perceive me. The short of it: the neurodivergence already makes some of the way I interact seem socially “wrong”/not socially acceptable*. Bodies are also heavily policed- shape and size and the clothes you wear and makeup and whatever. Since my shape and size has always been a target for bullying/othering (I believe in part as a proxy for the social things kids couldn’t quite verbalize), it’s a major insecurity for how people will perceive me as a whole. Like, I knew I couldn’t just magically be better at social things, so past ED me had this idea that if I was just a bit thinner, more beautiful, I would be more “socially acceptable”* and people could overlook my social difficulties.

As I get closer to starting school, thinking about orientations and retreats and white coat ceremony and all the freaking pictures they seem to love to post all over the place, this is coming up again. Even sitting in a classroom- how am I going to be perceived? And patients? How will they perceive me? (To be clear: this came up in my master’s program, but it wasn’t too bad. Because of Covid, we had a lot of resources available online so I didn’t need to be in class most of the time.)

Of course there is more to it, like aspects of control (which, arguably, this is too- controlling something because I can’t control perceptions- but I mean more from the standpoint of there being so many uncertainties in school that I can’t always control for, something about the structure of it and the routines too, idk).

Anyway, all of this to say, I think I need some good supports in place NOW, but I’m not sure what exactly. My husband is great, but I’m NOT good at recognizing when I’m really slipping until it’s actively affecting multiple areas of my life, and I need to be able to recognize it earlier, before it fucks me over and I’m actually relapsing.

I have Recovery Record still on my phone so I did their two questionnaires (EPSI and EDE-Q) but they give results in terms of standard deviations from their population. But they do show a pattern of continued mental pathology even if I’m not acting on it. Which may be why I’ve felt the last 2-3 weeks especially like I’m slipping a little bit. (the EAT-26, which I’ve taken before and scored… much higher than cut off… is currently below cut off, which idk how to take that exactly because “sometimes” answers are worth 0 just like “rarely” and “always” but that doesn’t mean “sometimes” thoughts or behaviors are actually like… normal/not disordered).

It all just sucks rn. Like last night I was up kind of crying over all of it, but I’m not sure over what. Like, am I grieving my old body still? The way I could control and structure everything just right? The way I could just eat a fucking meal and even if I was internally dying over it people around me wouldn’t bat a fucking eye (but now every food I put in my mouth is scrutinized but OTHER people, even when they don’t see me eat. I’ve HEARD the judgments). Tbh it’s a weird dichotomy because I know I was miserable and could barely function but I also know it was helping me cope (just not in a positive way). And I honestly think I looked so much better and other people legit treated me so differently (better, kinder, less judgmental, I legit had thin privilege) and it just. It sucks to not have even that and now to go back into a similar situation. Ugh.

*Re: “acceptable” and body shape and size and socially acceptable as a whole. Women in general have expectations for how they can appear and interact with the world. Fat women aren’t thin and have some different expectations. Based on how fat women are portrayed in media, there seems to be a hidden message about which fat women get accepted by society. IYKYK.

[koganelovesmcclain]

my desire to have people to talk about my ocs about with vs the mortification of having people Know about my ocs

fight

[adorethedistance]

City Slicker, Cowboyfriend - Owen Joyner x Reader

JATP masterlist

Warnings: Swearing, nerves, mentions of covid.

Words: 2163

Summary: You’re starting to have doubts about moving all the way to Norman until a shopping trip to Ikea turns into the meet-cute you’ve been waiting for.

A/n: This isn’t a request or one of my Valentines day fics, this is just something that I have had stuck in my head ever since Owen posted this on IG and bc I’m facing total writers block with my other pieces I cranked this one out in a few hours to get the ball rolling again. Hopefully. Enjoy this totally unproofed, fluffy madness!! (Because who doesn’t need more Owen content in their life?)

There are perks to moving and one of them is undoubtedly: shopping. For furniture, home decor, kitchen utensils, whatever! Granted, shopping alone can be tedious and, for some, like pulling teeth, thus, I’ve enlisted the help of my best friends Leila and Chelsea. I didn’t even have to bribe them to come because everyone loves getting lost in Ikea. It’s one of the best things about the human experience.

“It’s been so long since I’ve been in an Ikea,” Leila says to no one in particular as we walk through the onslaught of staged bedrooms.

“What?! Are you telling me you don’t get meatballs and lawn chairs on a weekly basis?” My exaggeration makes Leila laugh as she steps into one of the display kitchens. Looking between me and Chelsea she asks,

“What would you do if I turned the handle then a jet of water sprayed out?”

“Die, I guess.”

The three of us continue through the faux house displays and past the mattresses despite Leila’s urge to jump on every single one. As we walk through the section of different lighting features, I sigh with a frown as I think about college. I changed my bachelor’s to an associate’s so I could graduate in two years. Chelsea’s parents moved out here at the end of our senior year in high school, and she moved with them to study in Norman. Leila in turn went to Arizona for an athletic physical therapy gig, leaving me to face college alone in L.A.. In the two years the three of us were apart, we missed each other more and more, and after determining which of the three states we lived in was cheapest, we packed up and headed East. Covid kind of delayed our plans. But after a few months, I picked Leila up from Arizona and together we chased open job opportunities into Norman, Oklahoma. The three of us found an apartment space to live in together and thus, we ended up in Ikea on this fine Sunday afternoon.

Snapping back into reality I see Leila standing directly under a light that’s hanging very low from the ceiling. Once standing directly underneath it, she pulls down her mask and opens her mouth, rising to her toes to eat the fixture.

“Leila, don’t you dare fellate that light bulb! You’re gonna get us kicked out.”

I swear I’m practically their mom when it comes to behaving in public. Figuring they can’t hurt themselves in the college dorm section, I lead them quickly through it and into the giant furniture warehouse section. On the far wall, I see a large poster of a couple smiling brightly behind Chelsea, but I don’t bother to read the text. Leila and I spot the poster at the same time, and the imagery jogs her memory.

“Chelsea, how’s Hunter? Haven’t heard from him slash about him in like a week,” she asks about Chelsea’s boyfriend of a year.

“Oh, yeah, he tore a ligament in his wrist.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, I guess he moved it wrong or something and put too much stress on the area that it just tore. He was moving hay bales into the horse stables.”

“As opposed to the chicken stables,” Leila judges under her breath, which makes me snicker as a result.

“I still can’t believe you’re dating a literal cowboy,” I interject, “Like, I know we’re in Oklahoma, and he’s from Tennessee, but we saw Texas on the way out here and that’s cowboy country. Norman seems more...” I trail off in search of delicate phrasing.

“Just barely marry your cousin territory, but still downing chewing tobacco whilst driving a lifted truck?” Leila hits the nail squarely on the head.

“Yeah, that sounds about right-” Before I can continue giving my thoughts on Norman, I cut myself off at the sound of laughter behind me.

“Sorry. We weren’t trying to eavesdrop, that was just really funny.” When I turn around, I see a guy roughly our age dressed in all black with bleach-blonde hair, speaking through light, broken laughter.

“No worries,” I dismiss the apology as we pass by one another, and out from the dressers section. The three of us continue into the different sections, and come to a stop once I see we’re exactly where we need to be: dining room shit!

“Cowboy boyfriends aside- oh my gosh: cowboy boyfriends. Cowboyfriends,” I say getting lost in my new terminology. Both of my friends share a mix of laughter and gasps and my ingeniousness. “Anyway. Cowboyfriends aside, how is Avery?” I ask Leila who begins blushing madly.

“She’s really good. We were just making plans for our three year anniversary, which reminds me to tell y’all I’m flying back to Phoenix to surprise her.”

“Awwww,” I nearly tear up and the sweet image of Leila and her girlfriend reuniting, “Y’all are so cute. Both of you and your partners. You know, being the only single friend in this group has made life suck a lot. Y’all are so happy and in love and not dead inside. Honestly? Get fucked both of you.” Despite my harsh words, the three of us break into a lighthearted conglomerate of laughter.

“We’ll find you someone… eventually.” Leila pretends she also can’t hear the last part of her sentence despite being the one saying it.

“I know, but I don’t think it’s in the cards for me to find love in Norman. I don’t need a cowboyfriend, and we’re not gonna find a true city slicker here either.”

When I finish my statement, I see our blonde friend seems to have followed us. I observe he comes to a stop in front of another guy in a flannel with a shopping cart. The way they jump into conversation with one another parallels the animated body language Leila, Chelsey, and I share. I continue to watch their exchange as Chelsea speaks up.

“Maybe you need someone right down the middle.”

“Yeah, like a guy who drives a truck but uses it to transport Ikea furniture instead of a whole ass tree that he’ll carve into a chair.” A small laugh escapes my lips, at both Leila’s statement, and the scene ahead of Blondie pretending to strangle his friend over something. I’m snapped out of my nosy yet endeared stare as a third guy appears. He’s a sandy blonde with billowing locks tucked under a trucker hat. And he came from behind me and my two friends to place something in their cart which keeps his back toward me. When he turns back around, my mind goes blank. Any thoughts of shopping for dining room chairs has left my mind. He is wearing a face mask, but he has such nice eyes that he could have a giraffe snout under the mask for all I care. I see him look up from the shelves, directly into my eyes. We stay locked for a moment before he breaks away and turns to his friends. I slowly turn to my friends too who are both giving me the exact same look of excitement and conspiracy.

“He’s really cute,” I sigh out with a laugh, swooning much louder than I’d have preferred.

“He has a face mask on,” Leila points out, her expression dropping from excited to cynical.

“Still! I can just tell.”

“Girl, what are you doing? Talk to him!” Chelsea whisper-shrieks.

“Shhh, I cannot take you anywhere!”

Glancing back at the handsome stranger, we connect eyes once more and I feel my face heat furiously as I realize he was already looking at me. I’m the first to break; I consult my friends for the best course of action and as I’m turned 180 to face them, Chelsea starts pretending to hyperventilate excitedly. Leila looks over my shoulder for me, discreetly surveying the other trio in the dining chairs aisle.

“Don’t look now, but he’s talking to his friends and looking between them and you.” I can hear in her voice she’s trying her best not to smile despite wearing a face mask.

“Should I give him my number?”

“Yes!”

“What are you waiting for?”

“I’m nervous! What if he’s gay?”

“Will you just get over there? I promise you a gay man would not be wearing what he’s wearing right now. Maybe a lesbian,” Leila adds for good measure.

“You guys are freaking me out, I need you to leave so I know you’re not judging my flirting.” I shoo my best friends out of the aisle as inconspicuous as possible. Kinda wish blondie would’ve done the same because when I turn back around, the other trio hasn’t moved and the only one looking at me is the one in all black. He quickly averts his eyes though and I take one last deep breath before walking over to the stranger. I tilt my chin up ever so slightly to fake a sense of confidence that I unmistakably don’t have right now.

“Hey.” Really, Y/n? Hey??

“Hey,” he greets back breathily. Why is he nervous? I’m the one who gets to be nervous! Man, he’s really cute. I can’t fuck this one up. I’m not doing so stellar right now. Perhaps you should say something else, dipshit?

“Uhm,” I should’ve scripted this. “I just wanted to say that-” You’ve got this. Don’t be a bummer. “I-uh, I think you’re really cute and I was wondering if I could give you my number?” My speech is slow, each word deliberate in spite of the fact that I feel like I’m having an out of body experience right now. I’m not the one in control of the words that are coming out of my mouth.

Upon realizing why I walked over, blondie’s friends take the question as a sign to leave and less than inconspicuously back away from the two of us. Trucker hat spares them one last glance over his left shoulder and judging by the look flannel gives him, they were definitely talking about me in their team huddle.

“Uh, yeah. I was gonna ask for your instagram- if you have one, that is.”

“I’m cool with both.” The two of us reach for our phones and unlock them with anxious hands. I move to hand him my phone with instagram open, and he trades me for his which has a new contact open. I type my name and put my favorite heart emoji next to it after triple checking the number is correct. Wow, you’re just so ballsy today, Y/n!!!!! I give him back the phone, scanning the instagram account he’s just opened and followed for me. I hear him exhale a little harder as a small laugh and can only imagine it’s from the stupid heart emoji.

“Owen,” I say in a hushed, endeared voice, fully not intending to say it out loud. “You have a million followers?! Oh, you’re an actor. OH… You’re an actor.” I really don’t need to be speaking my entire thought process right now in the middle of this Ikea. Exhaling a small laugh of my own, I see we already have a small bunch of mutuals, one of which is… Chelsea??? Looking up from my phone I turn around to see Chelsea and Leila watching the interaction from around the corner of one of the industrial shelves.

In the flurry of scattered likes, I see him find my account and follow me back. I accept the request, nervous of what he thinks of me without a face mask on. What do I think of him without a face mask on? Going back to his account, seeing his entire face is even better than just his eyes. I was right, Leila: he is cute.

“You’re really pretty,” I hear him almost sigh as he combs through the grid of my account. The comment makes my heart beat all the much faster and I finally look upward to get a glimpse of Owen in the flesh. Still as beautiful as the last time I checked!

Sparing a quick glance over my shoulder, he looks back down at me and laughs,

“I think your friends got tired of waiting.”

“I think yours did, too.” The other members of our trios come back into the aisle we had kicked them from more or less two minutes ago. We connect eyes once more and stare longingly, wordlessly at one another, so lost in each other’s beauty our friends have to break up the staring contest of infatuation.

“Y/n?” I hear Leila behind me.

“Uh, well, I have to get back to chair shopping, but- text me later?”

“For sure.”

“For sure,” I mimic his voice.

“Guess I’ll see you later. Y/n.”

“Yeah.” And with that, we’re pulled apart by our respective best friends, through the vast expanse of the Norman Ikea.

“What was that?” Chelsea asks, excitedly linking arms with me.

“I don’t know I- Wait, you have some explaining to do!”

*** 

Taglist: @caitsymichelle13 @kaitlyn2907 @itz-jas @crybabyddl @kcd15 @kinda-really-lost @calamitykaty @morganayennefertyrell @n0wornever @dream-a-little-bigger-x @mrstodorooki @vicesvsvirturesfanfic @curlybrownhairedboys @amazinggracy @kaitieskidmore1 @asdfghjkl-fanfics​ @ghostlygreenbean @juliefromaustralia @merceret​ @jemimah-b99 @ifilwtmfc @thesweetestsinner​ @imsydneywalker @lovesanimals @thebloodthirstyvampress @bumbleberry-pie @losers-club6 @tefilovesreading​ @dmcfarland1@joynerxmercer @kexrtiz @talk-on-the-street @phantompogues @konciousdreamer @sunsetcurvej @warmnesss0ul @lilyjoyner 

[promptprophet]

Welcome back

I am not dead, although I am ready to throw down. Okay so there is a lot under the cut, but by every star in the sky I have been gone from all of my blogs for a while due to some roccuring issues. If any follow my main at @prophet-rebellion then you may have noticed that.

Some pro-tips:

1. Do not attend a gathering with family that does not believe in Covid. Because if they are anything like mine, someone will tell them they tested positive, your Uncle will encourage them to come anyways and not tell a single other person - and then, surprise surprise, everyone ends up with Covid.

2. Do not let your advisor plan your schedule entirely. Even if they are the Dean of your department. Because if they are still like mine, they will give you six classes. Which would not be an issue of 18 credit hours if it were not for the fact that 5 or the 6 are writing enriched. The only one that it not is math-based which is not my strong suite anyways.

But, in other news - I took a toll for the worst at one point. It has since gotten better. Granted, I had to be the biggest pain-in-the-ass to the campus physiatrist because he wanted to revoke some of my medication. Just because I am somehow making all As for the moment does NOT mean that I do not need my ADHD medication.

Speaking of! Yours truly got formally diagnosed with combination ADHD, depression, and anxiety. And after a lot of trial and error, we have found a medication and dosage that actually helps with the latter two! ADHD is still a work in progress because he is fighting me on it. He also doesn’t want me taking my meds unless I have a face-to-face class that day - as if it is some 9-5 weekdays only issue and I do not have class outside of those times, or online ones. But! A work in progress!

Also, Covid gave me the perfect chance to drop an incredibly toxic group of people in my life. One one hand, my mental health is so much better for it, and so is my own sense of self worth. On the other, it is definitely hard to do and hard to adjust to suddenly losing so many people. But I have reconnected with my 14 year old sister for the first time in 5 years - she wants to have lunch. Which is nice considering I have no spoken to my sisters in 5 years for her, 6 years for the older one (the middle). And I am also trying to reach out to my brothers more. It is interesting, because I did not know them until later. I am the oldest out of 5, 2 half-sisters of my mom’s side, 2 half-brothers on my dads, ironically enough.

I am also seeking out a competent doctor even with Medicaid, because I know need two more surgeries. This will make surgeries 4 and 5. It should have been 2 at most. But 5? And that is minimum, not counting if anything goes wrong again. It is taking longer, because I refuse to see my prior surgeon, and the only opening this past winter break as when I had to have my wisdom teeth removed, so, that did not happen.

Given circumstance I have managed to find a place to stay during breaks. Which is great because as some of you may recall I was kicked out after I turned 18 in 2019, and the room I rented over that summer was terrible (maybe leaving a known alcoholic with no regard for privacy alone with a just then 18 year old girl is a bad idea - if the number of times he barged into my room unannounced to try and get me to drink with him was anything to go by), but it was so my parents could travel full-time. Which, they are doing now and I am happy for them because my mom has 10 years maximum if she is lucky before needing oxygen (Smokers Lung), and my dad is dealing with medical injuries he got while serving - they discharged him because they would never heal right.

I have also picked back up with my job on my college campus! So money! And have secured a much better paying job over break than my McDonalds job, meaning I am not so hard pressed for cash. Which is also great because the last week of summer I had to dish out $2500 for my truck after it broke down in Tennessee and we had to get towed back to North Carolina.

So! Down to business! Now that I know what was wrong with me, and I no longer have issues with suicide, I’m on medication, and last semester I had a therapist that was a major help to me. I am actually in a better spot to be here. It has certainly taken a lot of work, and 2020-21 has thrown just about everything that it seems to have been able and hell, I am still looking for a third job.

Speaking of, god damn, the commissions! Jesus H. Christ, I wanted those done by January! And it’s March! Although I have been making progress on them, that is absolutely true - I am working on them a bit oddly though, switching between which ones I do to try and stop burn out and also because I was not drawing while mentally at my lowest. So to anyone who commissioned me who may not be looking at those messages, but sees this, I am sorry, they are being worked on. And I understand this is a ridiculous amount of time to wait for them and thank you all for being so patient.

I have also been considering if it is a good choice for me to come back to this page, and yes, I think that it is. Having something that I do every day has proven to be very helpful, and the amount of joy and love I have for these pages and the followers on them is immense. I was trying to clear out storage on my phone and I have an album just of prompts or asks that you guys have sent that continue to make my day. It really does mean the world to me.

I cannot be too sure if many have noticed my absence, if Prompt Guy did either. But I am stopping it now. I am finally in a good place. And yeah, I have a lot to do still - if all goes according to plan then I graduate next year. So after this I only have two more semesters before I graduate with my Bachelors in Business, with a focus on Entrepreneurship at the age of 20. And I better because I cannot afford to be in college much longer. I want to be back here, and return to my regular postings and interactions. I am getting those commissions done no matter what - that is a constant guilt over my head. Trust me, I know that it is there. I know. But I joined as an admin because I had followed this page the day it was created. And then I saw it had gone dead with no posts, so I applied as an admin. I got it. And things went very well. Well, I intend to hold back to what I wanted when I was first on this page, bringing it back to consistent postings for everyone.

I am here. I am back. And I am staying.

Also, I apologize if there are any typos, I have been doing a lot or writing for homework and personal work (trying to stop burn out and the threat of school ending my love to write) and my eyes have been strained the last few days, so everything is a bit fuzzy. Speaking of fuzzy! Turns out I needed glasses! So I have glasses now!

Yours truly, Prompt Prophet

[geekkatsblog]

Reviewing Grey's Anatomy Episodes but this time its Season 17

(To those people on my page who don't watch Grey's Anatomy but are being subjected to this I'm so sorry but I really just like to vent about this show.)

Its season 17 now Yay.

They're dealing with the covid 19 pandemic and I'm sure the writers probably did lots of research to make sure that they had the most accurate representation of the situation in the hospitals and otherwise.

___________________________________________

First we're going to start with the love triangle that is Teddy, Tom and Owen.

Owen

Now this is in no way excusing what he's done in the past for the longest while I've loathed Owen Hunt but..... now I feel sorry for him. He saw he had a problem he went to therapy to get himself right, he was actually a good partner for once and communicated in his relationship, he took his time and didn't jump into marriage spontaneously and then Teddy cheated on him over but dial to be heard by everyone in the operating theater with Owen on their wedding day. (I don't want to sound bad but this might also be karma coming to but him in the ass.) I felt so much 2nd hand embarrassment for him and the pain he had in his face the whole time he pretended not to know about her cheating was just oof. I loved though the end where he drove away for the mean time I really do agree with him taking some time and space before he makes a decision. Most of the times he made a lot of sudden decisions that later came back to bite him.

Teddy

Oh Teddy, she used to be one of my favorite characters from a little after she came to the time she left but now they just carried her character so far down hill that it's hard to keep the same energy I had before, now. Everyone at Grey Sloan is on Owen's side and giving her the cold shoulder and she really wants everyone to mind their own business (I honestly agree though, you're in the middle of a pandemic mind your business and do your job now isn't the time to be shunning coworkers because they cheated.) However when she did explain her side I kinda understood it a bit better. It's still an awful thing to do but I know plenty of people who sabotage their own happiness because they aren't used to it. Hell I do it myself sometimes. But then I was also pissed when she just pretended she did nothing wrong at first. First thing first she acted kinda offended when Owen explained why he hadn't called to cancel the wedding to her. Was it kinda sus? The answer is yes but you literally cheated on him that same day, you needed the extra time sis. Not to mention the several time he hinted to her that he knew and gave her the chance to confess yet she lied through her teeth whenever he hinted at it and flat out lied again when he asked if she had anything to confess. I get the whole sabotage route but God was I happy when Owen got in his truck, drove off and left her.

Tom

I was honestly rooting for Tom in the beginning, despite him being a douche I knew deep down he had a heart somewhere, but I actually started to feel less sorry for him last season when he continued to sleep with Teddy despite knowing her situation which he pointed out to her several times and she still ignored it. I know he loves her but let's be honest, she's going to pick Owen as long as he decides to actually take her back and Tom will be left alone and heart broken with his $100000 worth of boxes in booties and a golf club to measure 6 ft distance between him and everyone else. Honestly I kinda saw a panic attack coming, if they're treating Teddy bad then they're probably treating him even more like crap based on the fact that no one besides Teddy, Catherine and maybe Amelia liked him to begin with. This may also be an unpopular opinion but I actually agree with Catherine for making him resign of chief of all chiefs his head hasn't and probably won't be in the game for a while. At least he still gets to be head of neuro. He bought a whole $100000 dollars in booties alone by mistake during an already tough pandemic between that and everything else going on around him I'm not surprised he broke. What did surprise me was that no one even went near him to help even after the attack was finished. Dislike him or not at least ask him how he's doing geeze.

___________________________________________

Jo and Jackson (Never thought I'd have to put the two of them together in a title.)

Truly the biggest shock of the night besides the trailer for next week which I will freak out about later.

Jo

So Jo has decided that in order for her to feel herself again she has to do the devils tango with someone and because they're in a pandemic and she trusts him she chose Jackson. The night of the appointment to do the deed Jo ends up crying in his mouth. The way she treated him afterwards at first was a little uncalled for in my opinion, I mean she was the one who asked for the favor. But later they talked and it was all cool again. Jo didn't really have that big of a plot this episode so not too much to talk about.

Jackson

Agreed way to quickly to doing the devils tango with Jo if you ask me. Seems a little sus. I really hope they aren't rushing him and Jo into anything give the girl some room to breath and also give Jackson a proper plot he seems to be a plot filler for everyone right now like they have no real purpose for him on the show at the moment. I'm beginning to really think that he was the one who was supposed to die last season. I really do love his and Richard's relationship. Jackson never really had a good father and Webber seems to be filling that spot quite nicely. Him pushing Webber to fight to get better and convince him that his career can be saved was heartwarming. And can we take a moment to talk about Harriet finally appearing from the world of Narnia to bless us with her presence? And boy was she a blessing. That baby that plays Harriet was awesome from her repeating Vic saying she can't be a step mom all to her facial expressions. I hope to see baby Harriet again very soon. But speaking of Vic, did she not know that Jackson was a father? How the hell did she expect to never run into her at some point? Then there's the whole question of what did she even expect of the relationship with Jackson if she never intended to even try to accept being around his daughter? also if she really want to be Robbie Rotten from Lazy town and avoid being around kids, maybe she should call or text first instead of showing up in just a fluffy jacket and nothing else.

___________________________________________

Deluca

Glad to see he finally got the help he needed and is back put tho work. I felt so upset last season when everyone just treated him like crap without trying to help him, but they made up for it a little by trying to help him with the intervention. He was also right about the sex trafficking case and I was so glad to see that he was able to be there as her doctor. Plus he's now also finally in dark blue scrubs it has felt like forever before he got those but I digress. He is now on his way once again to be a kick ass surgeon with the awesome skills hes already showcasing. I just hope he continues to look after himself. Deluca shine like the star you are babe.

___________________________________________

Maggie

Has finally found a man who understands her, he is so nice and kind and caring the whole episode I was mentally yelling go get it hun to the screen. She deserves someone who can take her seriously and understand her awkwardness as well as her tendencies finally she has stepped out of the role of cheerleader and support character and is branching out to something else and I'm here for it. And her yelling at Catherine, to share her piece of mind. I was so proud. Go get it sis.

___________________________________________

Richard

Richard Webber is back in the building, finally the king has returned to himself and already solving problems in day one. At the beginning when he publicly called Catherine a pain in the ass I was so stoked I finally thought that he was done being pushed around by her but then he took her back in the end it also kinda felt like she bought him in order to get him back with the hiring him as the new chief of chiefs but I wish them the best of luck, Webber deserves to be happy. I was also happy to see him and Bailey interacting like friends again. For a while it was awkward between them but now it's like the balance has been restored. Side note, him laughing at Teddy and Owen made me laugh so loudly especially when he asked Teddy if her name was still Altman despite the fact he clearly knew about the phonecall drama, not gonna lie I'd do the same.

___________________________________________

Catherine

Not much there, just her being angry at the pandemic and loss of money, lack of power to save lives as well as trying to win Webber back which she successfully did after firing Koracick and giving Richard his job and finally giving him a heartfelt apology without being petty.

___________________________________________

Bailey

It might just be me but so far despite the fact that it's only been 2 episodes. Bailey seems somewhat better this season. Her guilt over Deluca was definitely warranted but at least she tried to make up for it (and just like Harriet her OCD has decided to rejoin us for a visit from Narnia.) For the past few seasons she's been a slight pain but now she seems more like herself.

Her and Ben are adorable as usual, coming every 12 hours to clap for the doctors just to see her then the cute hand signals they made for each other, between Ben, Link and recently added to the group of awesome partners Winston, I'm beginning to wonder where I can find me one of these super thoughtful understanding handsome men. The two guys that knocked her over as well spraining her ankle really should have to pay or something or at least apologize, they literally just knocked a doctor off her feet and made her wheel chair bound, the chief ro be exact. Her and Webber are on talking terms and well again but she really needs to know how to express concern better. She once told Ben that when she's scared she yells but a lot of things would have gone a lot more smoothly if she'd just reminded him he was a high risk for covid and state her concern for him to begin with instead of barking out orders.

I'm also wondering if shes going to be able to handle the whole Covid situation so well for the whole time, with all the chaos and disorganization with the whole ordeal not to mention the whole fit she had with the germs in the episode. I think it'll be a good storyline now that Grey's seems to be bringing mental awareness back up.

___________________________________________

Link and Amelia

They have now officially reached my list along with Ben and Bailey and a few others that are no longer on the show that have reached the stage of killing the couple goals on this show.

Despite the fact that they're not only raising their own baby but also Bailey, Ellis and Zola yet their relationship is still solid. I'm so proud of my baby Amelia she has come a long way from the woman who didn't even want kids to begin with.

I loved the fact that he wasn't upset over her forgetting his birthday and acted like nothing was wrong, just so she wouldn't feel bad about forgetting. I would have been livid set a reminder on your phone babes. Either way she definitely made up for it later with the whole redoing his birthday thing. Also welcome to the world Scout. Looking forward to seeing them more often.

___________________________________________

Levi

How did it all turn so bad, Nico has turned into such a jerk at this point I'm not even sure I'd be to upset if he left if it wasn't for the fact that I ship the person he was before and Levi so much I'm still hoping that they'll go back to how they were before Nico became a lying hypocrite. At the end I was practically begging Levi to push him away, Nico doesn't deserve it not after the way he treated him and he hasn't even shown a hint of remorse to this day.

___________________________________________

Meredith

The biggest shock of the whole episode. I honestly knew something was going to happen to her from the time she fell asleep and started the dream on the beach. Dreaming of beaches have never been a good sign on Grey's I just thought she was going to collapse from stress because she really had been pushing herself all episode. The thing with Meredith is that she cares so much for her patients and does anything she can to save them, but based on the preview of the next episode and the tests they showed it doesn't seem to be test. And let's just talk about that huge bombshell they dropped by bringing back Derek I never thought I'd see Patrick Dempsey on the show again. By the end of the episode I was already literally shaking in anticipation for the next episode. I know they can't kill Meredith, without her there literally is no Grey's Anatomy. That being said I really hope they don't give her cancer, (I know Patrick is involved with helping a charity for cancer.) And I also really hope she isn't getting alzheimers I just hope it's nothing serious in general. She's been through enough man. I just want this to be a really touching moment where I get to see Merder have some touching moments and it doesn't end up to be Izzie and Denny all over again. I don't think anyone is ready to handle that. I read in a spoiler that there's supposed to be some more visitors arriving on the beach and I'm stoked for it so I really hope it's a real spoiler I'm tired of rewatching the newer seasons to experience some of the old joy.

___________________________________________

Imma need them to give that intern Perez an official recurring contract for the show because he is currently one of the best things to come on that show in years. He's a breath of fresh air.

[ofcloudsandstars]

Hey you doing well?? Its been a while, i just wanted to make sure saturn wasn't kicking your ass too much. Idk you're loved and appreciated ❤❤

This is so sweet omg like sorry I have been quiet for a while but its really nice to see that people will notice if I suddenly disappear and people care! 😩 I dunno sorry to sound so dramatic but sometimes we all get that thot like what if I dropped off the face of the earth would anyone care and I know its irrational and caused by mental health stress cause of course people would notice, certainly my boss who would be like bitch you gotta clock in at 8AM where the fuck you at lol. 

Actually things have been ok so far. Just the general Aries season stress but nothing astronomically stressful. Spring Equinox was INCREDIBLE!! We had an incredible zoom celebration and then I met up with some friends of friends which lead me to meet this incredible clique of unfriendly black hottie london afro queer witches and we had a secret rave in someone’s warehouse loft which gave me so much life it like healed me from past traumas of feeling like I don’t fit in like I felt so seen and cherished that whole night. Plus they are all about creativity and living in tune with yourself and they all taught each other how to DJ and use those fancy DJ table sets and they had incredible music sets all night so we danced nonstop. Like I thought I was getting old but I managed to stay up until 7am lol. We had a cat!!! A random cat who lived in one of the warehouses come and crash our party!! He was sooo sweet and cute and probably was intrigued by a group of random magical humans up in the deadass of night during #RealCatHours when most humans would be sleeping so the cat just vibed with us like he came in, found a cozy seat and just sat at the edge of our dancing area as everyone pet and cherished him lol. Shortly after some man with ram horns bust in lol. He was wearing the horns cause it was aries season so he was appropriate. He brought balloons and I have always been apprehensive about doing synthetic substances as I am a child of the earth and will stick to my weeds and plants but I mean if you were ever planning to just experiment with a balloon in your life, why not on Spring equinox on the day of aries season when a strange fae with ram horns crashes your secret warehouse party? It was a good experience lol yolo 

Work started early but for a good reason cause my job changed again and we are working on a new system so my manager actually just wants us to get familiar with the changes before we kick off forreal. We’ve been working from home so its ok. It seems once we get the hang of it it will make our jobs a lot easier so I am grateful. Someone organizing the Spring Equinox readings got a bit sick (thankfully not Covid) but was unwell to continue doing it so I have to arrange them now and I feel a bit overwhelmed cause my weekend I am working so I hope I can sort it out :( I feel like people may be understanding since we all have witnessed that getting sick is No Joke these days. 

My week has just been busy with events and I finally have today and tomorrow off but I know not everyone is free during weekdays which is wack. I would have tried to start organizing yesterday when I was off but I took off to help this ADORABLE farm in Dartford start up their veggie bed with my gardening group. Oh my god it was so cute and magical and they had all kinds of animals grazing in flowering fields and it was such a sensually spring experience. They had so many cute native flowers blooming everywhere. When I got off the rail train my phone directed me to cut through the local woods for a 20 minute walk lol I felt like I was in some harvest moon shit. The woods were full of flowering trees or trees with fresh green shoots and daffodils and it was soo sunny. There was this one very friendly pig at the farm that was huge and smelly but really liked his back being rubbed so I had fun rubbing his back every time I had to run up to the house to use the toilet and back again. 

Anyway now that I have a nothing day I am just sorting through life admin stuff. Thanks for checking up on me. April side of Aries season is always a bit more chaotic for me for some reason so I can’t say how this Saturn transit feels yet but it’s over on the 10th. So far it’s been rewarding and peaceful but I notice my issues with Saturn are really internal cause my native Saturn is retrograde. I feel like its really hard for me to progress in life cause I shut down any budding efforts because they aren’t good enough. It’s pretty crippling but I guess this first transit lesson is to figure out how to get over that for good hopefully. 

Anyway I have rambled long enough. I may be pretty quiet for the rest of Aries season as I try to get my bearings (I am pretty excited but really nervous for Uranus entering my 4th house in April!! 😰) but will be more active here in Taurus season for sure. I think I will just come back to make some important posts for astro transits highlighting the more important ones to grace our presence the day before they hit. I mean I’ve always wanted to do that since I know not everyone has time to read the whole monthly forecast in one go and remember it, but life gets in the way lol. 

[flutter2deceive]

Inspired by @everybodyknows-everybodydies recent ER dream posts, I figured I'd share some of my ER dreams from the past year. I text myself whatever i remember after waking up from interesting dreams so that's the grammatically incorrect format they're in lol

buffy out on the streets moving vans with her strength, timothy olyphant is a vampire and he and his vamp buddies need romano to inject blood back into his circulatory system so he can go out in daylight again, they're taunting him like "come on didn't buffy train with you for a week to be a surgeon before giving up?", idk

The coolest stop motion video ever of this ER drawing turned into a storyline, mark leaves i guess jennifer and is running down the hallway to someone and i'm curious to see if it will be susan or elizabeth, it's elizabeth but then the pov switches to susan and she continues running down the hall to the trauma coming in and she high-fives abby and it's like the main point of contact for all the friendly characters when they do something cool is to high-five, watching this whole thing run thru and have the absolute biggest look of gleeful wonder on my face, i say some very nice words and hope they make it to whoever the author/vid marker are

In a steam engine room like that titanic ep of newsradio, there were also demons, so hell??, then there was a thing about carter being gay and in love with his best friend but then he called me lisa (which is my name) but i took that to mean that it was actually dave and it was a whole thing about maura tierney's fake ex-boyfriends?, and carter was out in my parents' front yard confessing his love but he accidentally stepped in the path of a chainsaw and the top of his toe got chopped off so then he was in a wheelchair

Kerry and elizabeth talking about sandy and mark and how they dread talking to henry and ella about them without breaking down, but it's also like they're still there, and then it's kerry and mark having the same convo but it's mark talking about his dad, they're in the hospital bathroom, a scene where sandy is temping in a library at the hospital and arizona robbins also working there and the implication is that they used to date, arizona comes up to sandy's table and notices that she seems to be doing wedding planning meanwhile kerry is sitting by herself at another table, arizona is judgy about what appears to be sandy chasing a girl who's in the closet and ashamed, sandy explains that kerry doesn't know and it's a surprise which is why she has the flashmob people standing 2 deep around kerry's table so she doesn't see the minister bringing the shrubbery in (this never happens in the dream but also what?? lol), then kerry has a successful hip replacement surgery that luka performed and mark is telling everyone about it, susan and abby were just starting to feel out a relationship and were making out in the bathroom

The er hospital but housed in an amalgam of my workplace and childhood church, i guess i'm like an orderly?, corday is pregnant and examining a patient and she's like ready-to-pop pregnant but she's still insistent that she's good to work until she's 8cm dilated and she's only 6 right now, we're all like dude go up to ob now, she's doing like yoga stretches on the floor to alleviate pain but still insists she's fine, meanwhile her patient is like ???, her water breaks and romano is gonna take her up to surgery, there's a space issue at the elevators and only he can fit, me and the other orderly say we'll take her up on the gurney in the other bank of elevators, we go flying down the hall and yelling for people to move cuz mrs corday's-- "sorry, dr. corday's"-- water broke, we get stopped by a security guard who won't let us through and then stopped again cuz there's construction in the warehouse, somehow romano manages to get lizzie but me and the other orderly are locked out, go to a bar downstairs to wait and nick kroll is there and he alerts everyone at the bar to the fact that he found several fan art/fic hits for "nick kroll/luka kovac" on the company's subreddit, he seems oddly intrigued, how weird of a pairing

In the future, there are no doctors because they're all burnt out from covid so healthcare in the future is just holograms of scenes from er but they're not the medical scenes they're the relationship drama stuff, alex kingston is named ceo of brain things due to her time on both er and doctor who, an interviewer asks what her favorite katy perry song is and romano answers for her, then maura tierney kicks everyone's ass at a banquet

The specifics elude me but somehow abby made it so that neela's memories of gallant's death are erased, and he's not exactly alive but also not dead, maybe she went back in time and changed something or had magic?, but neela is now texting with michael who is actually abby with his phone pretending to be him, abby is feeling really guilty for playing around with life and death and neela's feelings when she didn't have a gameplan, she ends up telling weaver she did something extremely morally questionable, now the two of them have to think thru how to handle the situation, neela is concerned now cuz michael texted that he'd talk with her at 23:00 but he hasn't called yet, then there's this really annoying intern that's pissing all the docs off, weaver starts to say something and ppl think she's gonna tell this woman off but she's like "this is an intern that's working here? She should be the hospital's lawyer", and then abby and susan smirk at each other and put on a tie? Idk but i think it's a different reality than the gallant-still-alive one

On a road trip or something and get back to abby's apartment, i may be susan but also possibly just me, we get the luggage from the car and while abby is trying to find her keys to unlock the door, we hear a noise from down the alley, the blonde woman that luka had been flirting with is near the luggage and is drunk or high, we wrestle with our conscience on whether to help her, she ends up asking to crash on the couch, abby and i get her inside and on the couch, we then end up sharing the bed and giggling

Caring for romano while he was in the hospital, mei lin from top chef is a med student and robert keeps insulting her, i think i might be corday, order a butterfinger and bottle of water from the hospital convenience store, go back to robert's room, he's muttering about the salad they brought him, i ask if he wants me to tell the nurse that he wants them to leave the salad for when he wakes from his nap, he squints up at me and smiles, says that his coping mechanism for stress is egg salad, idk

Living an ep of ER, i am susan, walking to my car alongside elizabeth, we're kinda tensely discussing when the kids will be at each of our houses for the holidays, i say let's just fuck it and join our celebrations, it's like a thing as if mark actually used to be married to susan and had a kid, don't know if it was supposed to be little suzie or rachel, elizabeth smiles unexpectedly and my heart kicks up, get in our cars and drive off, i am fumbling with a cigarette and the lighter from the car, drop them both as i'm driving down the hill out of the hospital parking lot, but now i am abby and have the season 9 hair, keep talking about this guy coworker i'm secretly seeing but it's actually susan and i'm trying to throw people off the scent, and there's something also about trixie and katya in this part of the dream but i don't remember specifically what, maybe guest star patients?

[lalunely]

daddy katsuki

Katsuki is naturally a workaholic. In his day offs, he still insists to be in-call and responds immediately to any reports near around his neighborhood. His partner’s not particularly fond about his habit, he sometimes forget they do have two daughters and he leaves without letting them know. That caused a minor emergency family meeting. Katsuki apologized by making them a very rare, special dinner. His daughters were really impressed of his cooking skills, his partner usually cooks for them so Katsuki didn’t really have enough chances to showcase his remarkable talents expect for being the current number two hero. And a good plumber. Not very good, he exploded the toilet two times. His eldest was not really happy as her room was next to the restroom.

For now that they’re expected to be staying at home in this time of pandemic, crime rates are unsurprisingly still present, but the police are advancing their security hundred more times and some pro heroes are taking shifts by pair to patrol each night around the city. Katsuki only has one shift every Tuesday from four in the afternoon until ten. He’s getting the hang of it, he’s spending lots of time with his family and learning more about them each day. There was one time, he was praised by his daughters (who are already grown up, how the fuck did that happen) that he’s improving and that they plenty appreciate his effort. Katsuki cannot stop smiling every time it crosses his mind.

Deku and Shouto often visits and his daughters love them so much. They always cling on to them and Katsuki threatened to kick Todoroki off the building if he give money to his daughters without him knowing ever again. Todoroki swiftly announced they’ll be having a mini party at his place for Christmas and Katsuki bellowed at him, saying that he’d rather stay at home than have his family possibly catch the virus from attending his party. His daughters didn’t really liked the tone of his voice.

That’s why now, Katsuki’s all bored after finishing God-knows how many episodes of Kitchen Nightmares in YouTube for the past week. He decided to practice the dishes he’ll make for Christmas because he’ll prove to Todoroki how much he doesn’t want to attend his mini Christmas party and get COVID-19 and also he wants him to be away from his daughters because they’re his.

Call Katsuki possessive, because he is.

It’s late afternoon, Katsuki is preparing the ingredients he ordered online the day before on the dining table. He put on a tank top he wore this morning and tied the strings of the orange apron behind his back. He silently cursed of how hideous it looks but it’s their only apron, he can worry for something else.

Katsuki puts his phone in a stand and places it in front of him. He scrolls in his notes and review the recipe again. He’s making Chocolate and Lime Mousse. Now, Katsuki never made this nor eaten this before, but he saw Gordon Ramsay made this with his daughter and thought he’ll give it a try since it looked pretty doable and his eldest daughter loves fruits and desserts.

Speaking of the devil, Katsuki heard quick and heavy footsteps down the stairs and of course he knows who it is.

“Satsuki!” Katsuki shouts, his voice echoes to the whole floor.

His eldest daughter, Satsuki (16), dressed in dolphin shorts and oversized shirt halts in her steps and turns around to the direction of the kitchen.

“Yeah, Dad?” She answers, slowly making her way to him. “Whatcha’ doin?”

Katsuki looks at her. “Practicing Christmas desserts, you wanna join me?”

“You were really serious about that.” Satsuki’s eyebrows furrowed. 

“Of course I am. I am a man of my words.” The girl snorted. “Will you help me or not?”

“Fine, I don’t have anything to do anyway. I was going to crash in the couch anyway.”

“Fantastic. Go get the white chocolate in the fridge then.” Katsuki said, eyes back on his phone and he occasionally scans the things in front of him to make sure he got everything right and present.

Soon Katsuki is heating up double cream in a pot and Satsuki is breaking the white chocolate in pieces just like her dad told her to. It’s comfortably quiet as they work on their own. Satsuki’s humming under her breathe and shoved the last piece in her mouth, squealing in delight. She gave the bowl of chocolate to her dad who thanked her under his breathe.

“What’s your favorite chocolate? White? Milk? Dark?” Katsuki asked Satsuki who’s leaning on the counter and watched the cream simmer.

“Uhm...” She hummed. “I love milk chocolate with nuts. Only with nuts.”

“But you’re allergic with nuts.”

“I honestly don’t mind.” Satsuki looked down at her arms where scattered marks of her allergies are standing out of her pale skin. Actually, she does. It’s just that everything with nuts are delicious. 

Cough.

“What’s yours then?” She asked.

Katsuki’s arm stopped, he looks up for a second then shrugs. “I like anything, but dark’s pretty good.”

Satsuki’s nose crinkled. “It’s bitter.”

“I drink expresso straight from the glass.” Katsuki snickered at her and he removes the pot from the heat and Satsuki watches him pour it in the bowl of chocolates. “Look at that.”

Satsuki switched places to have a better look. Her mouth slowly opens in awe as she watched the white chocolate melt with the piping hot cream. Katsuki glances at her and he smirks, putting the pot away in the sink. He caught Satsuki dipping her finger in the bowl and licks the chocolate happily. 

“Oi! No fingers!” Katsuki snarls, making his daughter laugh. “Don’t put that finger again or else, Satsuki.”

“Gods, it was just a bit. You’re overreacting.” Satsuki snorts at him and Katsuki gives her a daring look, before attacking her soft spots on her sides and Satsuki trips down on the floor squealing her lungs out.

Five minutes after that, Katsuki brings out a tray of eggs from the fridge.

“Now, you have to separate the white from the yolk in the eggs.” Katsuki said and he proceeds to crack one egg, sliding the yolk to the other piece and letting the white part slide down to a ceramic bowl. Satsuki does the same, and they repeated that part until they separated six yolks from the egg whites.

Katsuki fishes out a whisk and handed it to Satsuki. The girl eyed him suspiciously.

“Obviously you need to whisk it.” Katsuki said in a ‘duh’ tone and rolled his eyes.

Satsuki hesitatingly takes the whisk and shoves it in the bowl. “You’re just making me do everything here.”

“I cracked some eggs and made the mousse, excuse me.” Katsuki crossed his arms on his chest and huffed. Satsuki shakes her head. “We’re going to take turns. I’ll go after you. Thirty seconds only.”

Satsuki grunted in acknowledgement and she continues to whisk the egg whites quickly to let it foam, and she has been at it for fifteen seconds now. Satsuki momentarily pauses, rests her already sore arm and regains her breathe.

“What the hell.” She cursed under her breathe and heard Katsuki snicker behind her.

“Ten seconds left.”

Satsuki increases the speed and squealed when the bowl almost slipped out of her grip.

“You can stop, I’ll take it here.”

Satsuki sighed and thanked him then Katsuki flashed a blinding grin at her while holding an electric whisk proudly in the air.

“What the heck?! ” Satsuki screeches, Katsuki’s grin only grow wider as he plugs it in the socket and laughed out loud. “That’s cheating! How could you?!”

“How could I? I don’t know what you’re saying, darling.” Katsuki said in a teasing tone. He turned the electric whisk on, it made a loud sound and Satsuki screamed at him.

“I’m out of here, dad.” Satsuki raised her hands in dismissal, walking out of the kitchen. “It’s over.”

“Satsuki!” Katsuki calls out, he bends backward slightly and bursts out laughing again. “Get your ass back in here!”

Of course, Satsuki walks back in. Complaining.

“You can’t do that to me!” She cries. “Thirty seconds?! This fucking weakling of a whisk? And you’re using that machine?!”

“Because -”

“I was staring to feel competitive!” Satsuki cuts him off and Katsuki pressed his lips together to stifle his laugh. “My arm is limp!”

“Because it’s the best way to whip egg whites!”

“Then why didn’t you give me that in the first place?!” Satsuki falls on the floor and pouts at him. The sight made Katsuki coo and he pouts at her back playfully but ends up laughing again. Satsuki slaps his calve and Katsuki released a girly screech.

“Cheater!”

“Oi, shut up!” Katsuki’s head whips around the room. “Someone might take that the wrong way!”

“You’re a dirty player, dad.”

“Stop with that now, Satsuki. Come pour the sugar carefully in the bowl now.”

Eventually, Satsuki stands up and do what he said. Though there’s a disappointed frown on her face and Katsuki can’t help but to chuckle fondly at her. He stops the machine and placed them on the side. 

He leans over and put a hand behind Satsuki’s head, pressing a kiss on her temple and Satsuki’s frown deepens. Alright, he’s starting to feel bad now.

Katsuki sighs and crouches to her height, but the girl avoided eye contact.

“Come on now, you’re that really upset, are you?” Katsuki said softly.

Satsuki doesn’t answer.

“I’m sorry, baby. Daddy’s sorry. Can you help daddy now? We’re almost done though. I promise I’ll give you more chocolates after this.” Katsuki pulls her in his chest and wraps his arms around her shoulder, swaying their bodies sideways. He feels her grunt on his chest and Katsuki cracked a smile.

He pulls away, crouching down again but this time Satsuki meets his eyes. Her eyes, just like his -- bright, shining rubies but hers are glassy and moist. Katsuki’s heart breaks and he pouts playfully at her while Satsuki’s lower lip trembles.

“You can forget about it and help me instead. Daddy’s gonna be nicer now.”

“Don’t call yourself that, it’s weird.” Satsuki sniffles but she waits for Katsuki to finish folding the foamed egg whites.

Katsuki smiles to himself. What a time to be fucking alive, indeed. (Ironically, the world’s in chaos.) He could never ask for anything else. He’s happy but this is a different kind of happy, you know? This is more than achieving the number one spot - this is more than just being the fucking number one hero, it is something phenomenal he’s never felt before and it’s getting better every day he realizes more of the life he has now.

_______________________________________________

aight i might’ve binged watch all of gordon ramsay’s youtube and facebook videos in two nights straight do i need help

btw this was a quick, soft katsuki headcanon ha i just cant help thinking if katsuki’s gonna be a chef, he’s gordon ramsay u can’t tell me otherwise

hope u enjoyed :)

[ravenforce]

Manhattan 4

Word Count: 3797

Pairing: Lou Miller x Fem!Reader 

Warning/s: None. Except probably some minor baiting, and tooth-rotting fluff. :)

A/N: Thank you so much for everyone who likes, and follows this story. You guys are amazing. Please leave your reactions, bloody or otherwise, on the comment section. My inbox is open too if you’d like to pop by. Oh, and please note the ff:

1. If there are any grammatical mistakes I’ve still overlooked, I apologize.

2. Also, I’m sorry if this took a while. With the pandemic COVID-19 raging throughout the world, I struggled to stay in the light for a while, and with my city going on full lockdown there was so much unrest. Rest assured, I’m keeping with the strict home quarantine. I hope you guys are too. We can beat this virus if we follow the rules for now. You know the protocol, stay safe. Stay with me.

3. For requests, I haven’t yet to write, I apologize too and again. I just can’t find inspiration to write for some characters right now.

Manhattan Parts: 1 |  2 | 3 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9

(Photo not mine. Credits to the owner)

***

Saturday - New York, New York

“What is this sorcery?” Charlie said amused as he stood beside Agatha on your open kitchen.

The two assistants were so engrossed in watching Lou interact with you that they didn’t see Debbie and Rose entering the kitchen area from the other side of the apartment. 

“That, children is what you would call love,” Rose whispered dreamily yet still startled the two. Agatha blushed from being caught half gossiping.

Debbie just smiled, watching her best friend laugh so freely with you. Never did she saw Lou act in such a way with her other dalliances. She has strict rules of engagement: don’t call me, I call you; we’re not friends so they can’t be chummy with me especially in public; more importantly, they’re not my girlfriend so they can’t act like one; jealousy is a capital offence; no dates; no sleepover, Debbie recalled. Yet here is her blonde friend violating all her rules for you. 

“Careful using the L-word though,” Debbie mused before sipping her mojito. “Those two can bolt.”

“Better let them figure it out,” Rose whispered before walking away to join the party in your huge industrial living room. Charlie and Agatha nodded as they watch you kick Nine’s ass on Mario Kart, and Lou looking extremely proud of you. 

A few more rounds of continuously losing to you in both Mario Kart and Tekken 7, Nine threw her joycon on the couch. 

“This thing is rigged!” she exclaimed before collapsing on the couch next to you. You rolled your eyes playfully at her. 

“Didn’t think I’d see the day, someone would beat your ass at video games,” Daphne teased.

“You’re good, Y/N’s just simply better,” Lou added fuel to the fire, taking your attention away from Nine’s pouting. It’s not that you weren’t paying attention at her all night as she moves around gracefully, pretending to approve of the curated setup of your apartment like she wasn’t the one to help you put them together.

“Shut up,” Nine grumbled. “Your crush can be seen from outer space.”

That effectively shut the blonde up while the rest started laughing. Lou threw a pillow on Nine’s face, making everyone crack up even more. 

“Alright, children. It’s way past your bedtime,” Debbie said. “Let’s go home.” Everyone groaned but started putting on their shoes and coats before thanking you for dinner and the awesome night.

Agatha and Charlie were already waiting for the lift when everyone filed out on your hallway, except for Lou who stood way too close behind you that you could feel her hips against your ass. You fought hard not to blush as images of what those powerful hips do to you flooded your mind. Lou stretched her hand out for Debbie to take the keys to the company van they used to go to your place. Debbie accepted the keys with her eyebrows cocked. 

“I’m gonna stay and help clean up,” she intentionally husked out behind your ear. 

“Yeah right,” Rose, Tammy, Daphne and Debbie all said at the same time before walking away laughing.

“Clean up my fucking ass,” Nine drunk mumbled before Constance and Amita dragged her away but not without wishing you have a good fuck first. 

***

You nearly kicked the door closed in your haste to turn towards Lou who immediately wrapped her arms around your waist. She slowly walked you back until you’re secured against her body and the door. Your breath hitched when her hand crept down from your waist down to your ass.

“Lou,” you half-whispered, half moaned when she squeezes your backside. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” she said while peppering featherlight kisses along your jaw. “Yet.”

It’s becoming increasingly hard to focus as Lou started kissing down your neck. The last straw to your self-control was when she sucked on your pulse point. You groaned before you tugged on her soft blonde hair and pulled her face towards you. It was Lou’s turn to groan when you started kissing her with so much fervour.

She tasted like blueberries and vodka. And right at that moment, you think you could go on forever as long as she never stops kissing you. She’s simply intoxicating and extremely dangerous for your carefully constructed guard. You knew that to stop yourself from falling, you should have put a stop to your affair with the woman the moment you found out that she’s your boss. Yet here you are, still flying closer and closer to the sun.

The desire to feel her hands and her lips again overtake your need for control over all situations. How can you want anything else when Lou’s too good with you. She knew all the buttons to push to make you crave, she knew the right amount of pressure to make you squirm and shake, and she knew how you like to be touched to ensure you come undone screaming her name.

“Lou,” you moaned against her lips. You can already feel the telltale heat coiling on your belly, flow downwards and creating a huge wet patch on your Victoria Secret underwear. You swear you think Lou can smell how ready you are for her by the smirk on her face.

“Yes, love? Use your words,” she said confidently. “What do you need?”

Before you can get one word out though there’s a knock on the door.

“Y/N/N! Open up,” Tony yelled on the other side of the door.

“Fuck,” you whispered before bumping your forehead down on Lou’s shoulder.

You cursed under your breath for forgetting that your apartment is the designated nest for the Avengers in Manhattan since you’re the only one living alone. Maria, Wanda, Carol, and Nat are renting an apartment in Brooklyn while the boys are staying together in the Bronx. It extremely pleased you when your friends informed you a week prior that they all got into various programs in New York as well. Now, not so much. You forgot what a massive cock block they all are.

“I intended to but we have company,” Lou said seductively before completely untangling herself from you to open the door.

***

“Lou?” Thor asked incredulously when he saw who opened the door.

Before Lou can say another word though you decided it was the right time to push away from the door, giving away a hint on what you two were doing before their arrival.

“Hey,” you said overly enthusiastic. “Come on in.”

Lou who had one of her hand on the door, opened it wider so everyone can come through. You had to take a step back to give your friends space, making your ass connect Lou’s front again. You had to bite your lip from making a sound. Lou loved the expression on your face though that she oh so subtly grind her hips against your ass. Thankfully, your friends were more interested in the interior design of your apartment to pay you and Lou any more attention.

When everyone was inside, Lou suddenly stepped away from you and towards the door.

“You’re leaving?” You tried not to sound desperate to have her stay but you don’t expect her to sit around and wait for everyone to leave so she can finish what we started.

“I believe we’ll have to finish this another day,” she said genuinely looking apologetic. She knows that you know how much she wants you but she knows the Avengers are more likely going to spend the whole night with you anyway.

Lou turned to leave but you caught the sleeve of her shirt. You surged forward and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “You better, or else I’ll find someone else to scratch my itch,” you whispered on her ear before you bolted back into your apartment. Leaving Lou staring at your door and grinning like an idiot. At that point, she’s not even going to deny that she has a fucking crush on you.

***

When you got inside, Maria’s waiting for you in the hallway. Everyone was busy setting up everything for your private party in the living room. You immediately tackled your best friend into a bear hug. 

“Easy tiger,” she said giggling while you ignored her and murmured repeatedly how much you missed her. Even though it’s just been a couple of days since you last saw each other. When you pulled away, Maria gave you a funny look. 

“What?”

“Were you and Lou house warming before we arrived?” she asked cheekily.

“No?” Maria cocked an eyebrow at you. Convincing Maria of a lie is close to trying to convince yourself.

“She offered to help clean up,” you tried one more time but it only made Maria laugh out loud. Everyone was informed that you’ll be hosting a dinner for your colleagues from the gallery that’s why they came over late. So it wasn’t technically a lie, still, Maria can see right through you. 

“Right. So how come you have this,” she said before wiping her thumb across your jaw. When she put her finger up for you to see, there was a visible lipstick stain in the exact same shade that Lou’s wearing. You pursed your lips together.

“Next time you try to lie to me, make sure your face isn’t covered in evidence,” Maria teased one more time before dragging you inside your own house.

***

Monday - First Day High

Lou unconsciously frowned when she entered the conference room packed full of everyone except you and Debbie. She was so excited to come to work because she wasn’t able to talk to you the day prior since Thor and Loki decided they wanted to spend time with her before they drive back to the Bronx. Daphne immediately caught her expression.

“Don’t fret my dear, she’s joining us today,” Daphne said with a firm smirk on her face. “It’s her first team meeting after all.”

Lou rolled her eyes before plopping down on her seat on Debbie’s right. Charlie came around to give her a cup of coffee. She accepted it thankfully before engaging Amita and Rose with small talk. A few minutes later, the door opened signalling your arrival back into the room. Lou took a sip of her coffee at the same time you put down the stack of papers on the table giving her a full view of you.

She ungracefully coughed out her coffee, even spraying some of it on the table. You looked at her with concern, while everyone started laughing. She immediately wiped her mouth and the table with some napkins in an attempt to save her dignity. She’s rarely embarrassed since she always carries herself with grace.

So she held her head up high. No one can begrudge her of her reaction especially since none of them warned her - intentionally, she’s sure of it - that you’re dangerously hot in work clothes.

“Thank you, dear,” Lou heard Rose say beside her when you passed to give everyone a copy of the agenda. You smiled at the kind woman.

“You have talent on dressing yourself. Would you mind if I make some pieces for you sometime?” Rose continued, catching you off-guard. You’re literally just wearing a white button-up blouse tucked inside a black knee-high leather pencil skirt, and black heels. You don’t see any reason for a fashion designer like Rose to take an interest in making you some custom made outfits.

“Uhm, thank you, Rose,” you said softly before resuming on your task. Rose giggled excitedly and asked you to come to her office before the day ends so she could take your measurements.

“Oh no, Lou,” Nine sing-songs. Lou looked at the tech-girl with an impassive look on her face.

“Y/N’s gonna hit the runway with Rose dressing her. She’s gonna be popular soon. Are you ready to share her to the world?” Nine continued to tease, making the blonde woman frown. When you arrived behind Nine, you dropped the stack of paper in her head, instead of just handing her a one piece. Everyone giggled except Nine.

“Hey!” she complained.

“Sorry.” The smirk in your face tells her you did it intentionally. Nine grumbled softly about how she used to be your favourite. You just chuckled before looking across the table to Lou and giving her a subtle wink, which totally made her smile and all mushy inside.

***

The two-page agenda took almost all day to go over especially between discussing each point, Nine, Amita and Constance can’t stop interjecting jokes whenever they can. If you have a dollar for every time Debbie sighed or rolled her eyes, you would have collected enough for a whole months rent. Towards the latter part of the meeting, the team started discussing battle plans for the upcoming art week. The gallery is located in the art district, and the competition is tight. They needed something that’ll put the Heist in the art map of New York City.

“Any ideas?” Debbie asked, pinching the bridge of her nose. So far nothing is standing out for her.

You looked around. Everyone was deep in thought, clearly racking their brains for ideas. You raised your hand like you were in class. You feel kinda silly doing so but it caught Debbie’s attention.

“Yes, Y/N?”

“As a new gallery, The Heist isn’t carrying any artist yet, correct?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

The process of selecting an artist to sign on board with the gallery is tedious. Mostly it was a question of chemistry. The team collectively agreed that they wouldn’t carry an artist whose personality deflects from any of them as it will only create friction in the group. Everyone in the team has a purpose but more importantly when Debbie chose them, she chose them based on how well they would mix and work together and up to date, no one has proved that she chose wrong.

“Maybe it’s time to change that,” you suggested boldly.

There’s a collection of murmurs. “But most of the popular artists in town are already booked with other galleries,” Daphne mentioned.

“Who said about signing known artists?” Daphne frowned.

“We can’t sign nobody’s Y/N,” she answered. You smiled softly at your brunette boss.

“Everyone was a nobody at the start,” you started to explain. “Until someone believed in them. We can be that someone to a nobody. We can be that difference.”

For a few excruciating seconds, your heart hammered in your chest like the first time you presented one of the techs you invented in Stark Industries.

“That’s…” Debbie started. You look her directly in the eyes. “Actually brilliant.”

Everyone turned to Debbie and asked, “Really?”

“Yes. It’s wild but maybe that’s why I like it,” she said to her team then she turned again to you. “Do you have a plan?”

You grinned like an excited puppy. “Well I was thinking, we could find at least two artists’ that uses two different medium,” you explain. “The gallery’s huge enough for a painter and an installation artist.”

“Do you have artists’ in mind?” Tammy asked, starting to get on-board with the plan.

“Maybe.”

“Okay,” Debbie said. “Have your presentation ready before next weeks meeting.”

“Yes ma’am,” you answered smiling. You caught Lou looking extremely proud beside Debbie.

“Great! Now can we have lunch?” Amita asked. “My brain cells are dead.”

Debbie adjourned the meeting as soon as everyone confirmed they know their assignment for the week. You were about to head out when Debbie asked to see you in her office.

***

“I’m going straight to the point,” Debbie said as she fixes her stuff in her table. She sat down after a few seconds and looked at you. “I know you slept with Lou.”

You bit your lip to stop yourself from smiling. “I did.”

“I really don’t care if you do, again but can I count on you to keep being this professional?” she asked. “Since you’ve seen all of my friends, they’re children.”

This time, you didn’t try to stop yourself from smiling. Her concern is definitely warranted. “I promise. I also promise that whatever this is, it won’t affect my work here at the gallery.”

Debbie smiled, somehow she just knows she can trust you. So she let you go without further ado but before you can even open her door, she called for your attention again.

“Oh, Y/N.” You turned your body towards her, one hand clutching the door handle. “I’m assigning you to spearhead the artists’ acquisition for the art week. And whatever happens, please don’t have sex in my office.”

The change of topic in one sentence can almost give you a whiplash had it not been too funny that you started laughing hard.

“I don’t make promises I can’t keep, boss,” you said before pulling the door open to leave. On the way out, you almost bumped into Lou. She gave you a questioning look as you continued to giggle as you keep walking away.

***

Lou was still looking at you when Debbie spoke, “I get why you like her. She’s brilliant.”

“She is,” Lou said almost dreamily. Then she blinked her eyes to look at her best friend who’s looking at her like she knew something she doesn’t. She didn’t probe though, she’s not sure she’s ready to know the answer just yet. “Anyway, everyone left ahead for the restaurant. Are you coming?”

“I am,” Debbie answered before gathering her bag. Lunch at their favourite restaurant every Monday has become their tradition since they all moved to Manhattan and started the gallery. It has become the team’s way to decompress on a #ManicMonday.

While waiting for the lift, Debbie couldn’t help but be annoyed by the incessant ringing of Lou’s phone. 

“Aren’t you gonna get that?” she asked curiously. There are only two reasons why Lou wouldn’t answer her god damn phone. First, she’s avoiding whoever is on the other line, which is always most definitely a girl had sex with. Lastly, she’s in the middle of making passionate, consensual, no-strings-attached sex with someone else. 

“Nope,” Lou answered. “It’s just Therese. She wants to meet tonight.”

“She’s just Therese now?” Debbie questioned. Therese is Lou’s ex-girlfriend who she started bedding again a few months ago, adding her to the roster of women she beds on an occasional basis. “Something happened?”

Lou shrugged in time with the arrival of the elevator. She didn’t answer for a while.

“I’m just suddenly tired of all of it,” she said when they stepped off the elevator at the ground floor.

Debbie wondered for a moment what it meant until she followed Lou’s line of sight. She wasn’t surprised when she saw you eating casually at Agatha and Charlie’s table. Lou can’t stop the small smile on her face thinking Debbie wouldn’t even notice it. Oh, but Debbie did and she understood. Out of everyone in the team, Lou’s the only one who isn’t dating monogamously.

They’ve all played the field when they’re younger until they found someone worth throwing the towel in and committing themselves to. Everyone thinks that she’s looking for magic but that wasn’t the case, she was actually looking for something simple. She just wanted someone that makes her feel home. For a long time, she searched all over the world only to find what she’s looking right under her nose.

Debbie smiled watching the loving look on Lou’s face as she watches you for a heartbeat before walking directly towards the exit. Debbie didn’t mean to look when Lou whipped out her phone and started typing a message for you. 

Plans tonight? I missed you yesterday.

Lou’s phone lighted with a reply while she’s reversing out of the parking lot that she couldn’t stop Debbie from reaching for it and opening her text message. She grumbled and begged and threatened the brunette not to read it but she knew it was futile. 

“Ready to finish what you’ve started,” Debbie read laughing. Lou blushed from her neck to the roots of her hair. 

Yes! See you tonight. Debbie texted on Lou’s behalf. She’s so happy for her best friend, she couldn’t even care that you’re younger or that you’re their employee.

Can’t wait. xx

Taglist:  @kaytoopio​​​​​ @marvelfansince08love​​​​​ @marvelb00kwolf​​​​​ @shycucumbersandwich​​​​​ @subject7creed​​​​ @inkstainedhandsofgold​​​

[theunderdogwrites]

2020: The Year I Lost My Ass

Well, we reached the end of that toilet roll only to start another one, because that is what we do for as long as we are allowed to continue revolutions around the sun – we keep going.

2020 was a terrible year for so many. My brain is incapable of processing the number of losses suffered on a global scale. Be it jobs, security, rights, sanity, relationships or life. My brain is not just incapable of these calculations, it has plain refused to entertain those thoughts on behalf of my heart. My heart, that sensitive little blood pumping work horse who not once allows itself to stop. Thank goodness.

I don’t believe the majority of people are willing and able to bring themselves to fully comprehend what was lost in 2020.

Here is a list of a few more losses suffered last year:

- People lost their shit. And over the most ridiculous things like toilet paper, having to wear a mask to secure toilet paper and being held to the consequences resulting from not wearing a mask when asked to while attempting to purchase toilet paper. Pause for a moment and let that last sentence hang around in your mind. 2020 made that happen. I didn’t make it up! Recently I saw a news piece showing a man (40’s) lying down on the floor in a Costco to protest being asked to wear a mask. He spoke loudly, he beat his hands at his sides and wildly kicked his legs when an employee asked him to get up. Now, I am not judging for I too have participated in such behaviour MANY times. Granted I was three, but hey… some of us mature faster than others.

 - People lost their damn minds. 2020 should be dubbed “The Year of The Karen”. For those of you not in the know about the Karen phenomenon, here is a description courtesy of Urban Dictionary:

 “Karen is a pejorative term used in the United States and other English-speaking countries for a woman perceived as entitled or demanding beyond the scope of what is appropriate or necessary. A common stereotype is that of a white woman who uses her privilege to demand her own way at the expense of others.’

 Basically, a Karen is a I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER type person (There is a male equivalent, but it seems no one can agree on the name… Chad, Terry, Kyle, Kevin, Steve). You can often find a Karen on her cellphone calling the police to report a black man who lives in her neighborhood, simply living his life in her neighbourhood. I didn’t make that up either.

 More recently a Karen was videoed in a UPS store claiming that she didn’t have to wear a mask because that space was government property and not a private business. Would it be safe to say that most Karen types suffer from a lack of oxygen to their brain? Possibly. But that would involve science and Karen types DO NOT enjoy hard facts.

 As always when I download my thoughts into reality, I must go within and search myself. Am I a Karen? My immediate answer is: no fucking way. I can honestly say I’ve never once asked to see a manager or called the police to report someone eating their lunch on a park bench. I do not enjoy confrontation. Unless there is a bully involved. Then I will drag that person to hell with me. I much prefer discussion over going straight to the ‘I triple dog dare you!’ approach to the world. (If you got that reference, you are my new favourite) Because that is who a Karen really is… someone who jumps right to the most extreme action in order to satisfy their need to be superior. Truly, we should feel sorry for these people because instead of engaging they’re raging. And how awful must their insides feel… always full of anger, fear and self doubt. I say instead of judging these Karen types or putting them on blast on social media, we should hug the shit out of them. Just grab them and squeeze as hard as you fucking can until they stop talking. Peaceful solutions my friends, peaceful solutions.

 - Pets lost their faith in us. Children a close second. If you are a proud owner of a pet or a child, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I’ve always operated under the notion that my cat loves it when I’m home and hates it when I leave. 2020 has taught me it might be the other way around. Because our animals are, well, animals we just believe our presence is the greatest gift in their lives. Remember when you were old enough to be left alone by your parents and once you had the taste of that kind of freedom, you just wanted more of it and couldn’t wait for them to go out? I feel it’s like that with our pets now. We might not think animals have a routine or preferences or enjoy some alone time, but we’d be wrong.

I think at first our pets were thrilled. If we are home more it means more time for prolonged petting, walks and the opportunity to ritualistically train us to respond to their caterwauls for more food and treats than normal. But then as the weeks of lockdown and working from home increased, so did our pets desire to kill us in our sleep.

 I’m pretty sure my cat has asked me several times using her feline glare: “why the fuck won’t you just leave?”. It would be naïve of us to assume we don’t disrupt their day with our constant noise making and snacking and scotch drinking that leads to a good buzz that leads to showing too much affection to our pets. To the point where they run and hide when they see us coming. Please tell me I didn’t describe just my own experience.

 There is such a thing as everything in moderation, we know this, so I think it can be applied here. People, get away from your pets. Give them the space you often desire from human beings. Because if you don’t, that random turd in your shoe could be pointing to a much larger, more alarming problem you’re about to encounter.

 I had the absolute blessing of being able to assist in caring for and raising of my three nephews (12,9,6) for the last 11 years. So, when I say: ‘children are always watching us’, I feel I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been mimicked so often by these young boys that I’ve had to pause due to mortification. Children will hold you accountable without even knowing it. I’ve had some behaviours of mine corrected by a 5-year-old and let me tell you, it stings like hell.

 As adults, when our world was thrown into turmoil because of Covid-19, we looked to our medical health professionals and our politicians for guidance. Basically, we searched for those who would lead us. The children – looked to us. And while many adults handled this responsibility the best they possibly could, many more failed miserably and displayed attitudes I can only describe as juvenile, damaging and pathetic. I suppose it doesn’t help if the people the adults are looking to for help are themselves - juvenile, damaging and pathetic.

 When I say we still have not grasped just how much has been lost over the past year, I’m hinting at integrity, compassion and creditability. Three vital qualities you’d hope people want to instill into their children. But if they themselves are unable to display such valuable traits, what does this say for the children who are looking up to them as an example on how to act when life gets challenging?

 For myself in 2020, I gained by losing.

When they locked our gyms down for four months last spring, I came close to being one of those people who lost their shit. While people were moaning about wearing a mask for 20 minutes in the grocery store, I was contemplating if murdering those people could be considered a cardio exercise and would that hold up in a court of law.

To reflect on that time period now (especially since our gyms are closed AGAIN at the moment) the loss of the gyms brought me the knowledge of how important the routine of going to and being in the gym is to my mental health. I won’t launch into how I feel about shopping malls being open and gyms being closed despite their proven benefit to one’s overall health because then I really will lose my shit.

People always say getting to the gym is the hardest part and once they’re there it’s easy to workout. And for many that is the truth, but for me it’s all a part of the workout. Getting to the gym is the psychological effort. Putting in the work at the gym is the physical. You can’t have one without the other. I became so pathetic that I’d often walk to the closed gym from my house, stare at the closed doors and then walk home. 1.5 hour round trip. True story.

Remember a few years back everyone became obsessed with that Netflix show ‘Tidying Up with Marie Kondo’? It is the show where that lovely woman from Japan showed us all how to declutter our homes by getting rid of anything that didn’t bring us joy. Those acid wash jeans from 1989… sit with them… hold them close to your chest… if they don’t make you happy, remove them from your space. Well, the same idea can be applied to people and ideas and even feelings. And 2020 was a great year for simplifying our lives. I’ve heard so many people talk about how they can’t wait to get back to ‘normal’… not me. I’ve already started my ‘new normal’.

The loss of drama has gained me peace and a better understanding of the importance of remaining true to who I am instead of trying to please others in hopes it wins me points. Because it doesn’t. Because its inauthentic and only brings you more loss and more drama. And anxiety. And sleepless nights. And an overall sense of hatred for everyone. 2020 gave me the option to no longer care about the things that don’t make me happy and to embrace the process of letting all that stupid bullshit fade away.

It was a year of gained focus.

It was a year of gained appreciation.

It was a year of gained gratitude.

It was a year of gained love for myself.

 I’m going to leave you now, but not before I share one of my favorite songs by the Tragically Hip:

In A World Possessed by The Human Mind

Just give me the news

It can all be lies

Exciting over fair or the right thing at the right time

Everything is clear

Just how you described

The way it appears, "A world possessed by the human mind"

 Then I think I smiled

Then I think you said, "it's fine"

And quietly I dressed, in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 We're in awe of no one

We've none of their fear

Fighting's goin' nowhere and we stay right here

Where everything is quiet

A little super dangerous

"In the shadow of the law and with colours of justice"

 Then I hope I smiled

Then I'm sure you said, "It's fine"

They got no interest in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 Everything is quiet

A little super dangerous

Quiet enough to hear God rustlin' around in the bushes

Oh, but it was you

Girl, I was so afraid

You said, "You shoulda seen the look on your face"

 Then I hope I laughed

Then I hope I said, "it's fine"

And quietly undressed in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 Oh it was you

Girl, I was so afraid

You said, "You shoulda seen the look on your face"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgXphurrsE0

[conversationswithcole]

I Drank the Kool-Aid

Alright folks, so I have been wanting to document my newest fitness journey for a little while now, but I didn’t want to jump the gun considering I am still VERY new. 

For those of you who don’t know, I drank the damn kool-aid. I joined a Crossfit gym. Crossfit has always been something that I have deeply desired to try but was too nervous to step out of my comfort zone on my own to do it. Last year my rugby team started winter training at local Crossfit gym and unfortunately due to my work schedule I was unable to participate. I was super bummed because I thought that was my perfect opportunity to try it out without all the awkwardness and anxiety that would follow. In the meantime I joined your regular Blink fitness and continued to lift as I had been for the past few years. Fast forward to the pandemic when gyms closed and I partially trained for a half marathon until I gave up. At the time I wasn’t really doing any exercising for about three months besides an occasional run here and there.

I vividly remember going to Maine with Vincent at the end of July and how horribly uncomfortable I was feeling with my body. I was so insecure, anxious and irritable and it was hard for it not to effect my trip. After recently going out for dinner and drinks with some teammates, who were all signed up at the same Crossfit gym, I had decided it was finally time for me to give it a shot. I remember telling Sam that I wanted to take my first class and how nervous I was to show up. I got there early, which is very unlike me because if you know me you know that I am literally always late to everything because of who I am as a person. I sat in my car in full panic mode until Sam and Chelsea arrived and I wouldn’t walk in without them. I met my coach and he was super friendly which made things a bit easier but then he proceeded to literally torture me in the form of exercise. I couldn’t even perform the entire workout, I took ten thousands breaks and actually felt like I was dying. I will NEVER forget my first class. It was the biggest ego check I have ever had in my entire life. I signed up for a part time monthly membership right after. 

It took me a few weeks to get comfortable with going to classes that my teammates weren’t in. Crossfit is intimidating as hell. You should see the babes at my gym. They’re so fucking bad-ass it’s hard not to be intimidated by their strength. It was about three weeks after my first class that I decided I wanted to sign up for an unlimited membership. 

I instantly fell in love with the entire sport. In our current world rugby is non-existent and that’s a huge piece of my life that’s missing. There are so many similarities between the two that make me understand why people who love Crossfit, love Crossfit. 

One of the most special pieces of rugby is the weaving of competition and sportsmanship. In Crossfit, the athletes perform with that same mindset. Everyone wants to be the fastest, strongest, finishes with the most reps in the AMRAP WOD athlete at the gym when it comes time for class. But the second they finish their last rep, before they can even catch their breath, they become your personal cheering squad. They won’t stop until you’re finished and they push you to get it done even when you don’t want too. They’re always there to encourage you, pat you on the back even when you fail and to offer their share of advice and knowledge. It’s an incredible feeling to be surrounded by so many supportive and uplifting individuals in an environment that is so challenging both mentally and physically. 

I have always grappled with the unhealthy habit of comparing my performance to the performance of someone better than me. And even though between the coaches and athletes at my gym there are always people rooting for me, it’s hard not to look around and feel inadequate sometimes. Similar to most feats in life, in Crossfit what goes on in your mind determines how you perform physically. There are days where the last thing I wanted to do was show up to class and by the end of the workout I was riding this post WOD high that made me feel invincible. Then in contrast to that there are other days where I can’t wait to step foot into my little box and I struggle to get through the workout. At times I lack the ability to get my mind to come to grips with the fact that success is not and never will be linear. I don’t give myself enough credit and forget to acknowledge the fact that I am literally brand spankin’ new to this sport and four months is NOTHING. My brain thrives on constant reassurance, ask my coach Mike he can attest to that. I am so obsessive with executing each movement perfectly that I ask ten thousand questions even if I know what the answer is and I get anxious when I start to doubt my performance. I even get so nervous about staying after class to do extra skill work that I can only do it when Shannon is around to take me under her wing. It’s incredibly frustrating and even though I am able to recognize these that these obsessive, lack of self confidence thoughts are inside my head, it’s sometimes too difficult to rid myself of them.

Despite all of this, if we were to look back on my first month to now, I have made some serious progress. Each day brings a new challenge, a new goal and a new lesson. Like rugby, there is always room to learn and improve. One of the main reasons I love Crossfit is because it pushes me to do things I would have normally deemed impossible for myself. There was a time in my life where rugby was considered impossible in my life, and now here I am ten years later a co-founder of Long Island Women’s Rugby. On my best days at the gym I feel that same sense of empowerment, confidence and straight up bad bitch vibes that I get from being a female rugby player. 

Another huge piece of rugby is the community that you become a part of after joining. I have seen many marriages, families, and life long friendships form between members of the rugby community. My life and who I am as a woman today is because of the people I met through rugby. I see that same sense of camaraderie at my gym. It’s funny because my 63 year old mother doesn’t really understand what I mean when I say I’m going to the gym. I’ll be gone for three hours and she thinks I’m at your average LA Fitness with a bunch of strangers lifting weights. One day she literally called me to see if everything was okay because I was there for so long. I have met so many people in such a short amount of time that I consider my friends. I genuinely enjoy their company and the more time that goes on and the more I get to know everyone the more I want to continue to come back. It is so important to surround yourself with people who make you feel good. You can do Crossfit anywhere, but part of the reason why I love it so much is because of my gym and the people in it. 

It’s funny because as I reflect on my Crossfit journey I am reminded of my freshman year of rugby. When my roommate at the time, (now currently my best friend of 10 years), wanted us to join rugby I was too damn scared to get out of the car when we pulled up to practice. I made her lead the way and do all the talking while I stood there in silence. Who I was when I joined was completely different than the girl I was when I graduated. Freshman year of college was hard for me. I was homesick and I wasn’t sure being so far away from my family was what I wanted. I actually applied to schools on Long Island and was ready to transfer back home but there was something holding me back. Sure I could go home and play rugby for another school with a brand new team but something about that just didn’t feel right to me. I get that same feeling when I think about moving away from Black Bear. 

2020 has been one hell of a freakin’ year, and as I sit here writing this I am in quarantine for the second time this month after my third exposure to the virus. December is really kicking my ass. Between the holidays, and losing my job and starting a new one and all this exposure to Covid I’ve barely been to the gym this month and it’s crazy to see how much that has affected me in my everyday life. If there is one thing I am most thankful for this past year, it is Black Bear. 

[wanderinglotus7]

The Legacy Continues

Well, I made it! I made it. There are three days left of 2020 until we roll into 2021. This year has been a game changer. Game changer doesn’t seen correct...life altering sounds better. My life drastically changed within the past month. Though these events threw me off my game, I recovered and bounced back even stronger. This speaks to my tremendous strength in the Lord & within myself. I continue to tell myself that the fortune teller I spoke with summer 2019 has been spot on y’all. August 2020 to now, adjust to my new life has been challenging, but I don’t regret my decision moving to Massachusetts. This decision is part of the life-course God has plan for me.

Yes, I miss my family. However, my experiences of attending Bridgewater College and traveling to Thailand has prepared me for this moment in my life. Because of covid I haven’t really been active in my new environment, but I try to take advantage of the opportunities I do have to explore my surroundings. Last week I took a nice walk and ended up exploring another part of Newton and almost ended up in the inner city of Boston (I think I walked about 8 miles in total). I took another walk into town and walked into HomeGoods on my way to Starbucks. Leaving and returning to Boston, I took the train and was able to get myself to and from the Logan airport. Small victories in my book! I am in no rush to try to experience everything all at once. I have around 4 to 5 years to embrace Boston as my new home. I already feel like it is anyway. This is my true testimony to see if I can really be responsible for myself. So far, I feel confident in achieving/excelling in this area of my life. My upbringing has prepared me, yet again, for the challenges of [young] adulthood. 

I am getting ahead of myself. I have to rewind a bit give y’all an update. December 18th was the last day of classes and finals week. I have successfully finished my first semester of grad school!!! YEAH ME!!!!! I’m telling you the hard work paid off. I did have my moments of doubt and feelings of not being good enough. I was overwhelmed. I felt like I was drowning trying to balance school, work, and my internship. On top of that, I am trying to balance a relationship along with working on my mental health. My mind & body is always on the go. No time for rest...actually there are moments of rest, but I chose not to rest instead. I have a bad habit of pushing through and bulldozing my way through my life. I don’t take the necessary time to be present and focus on what is in front of me. Sometimes, I get too focused on the future and forget to enjoy the present. I have been in this mode since mid October to the 18th. Midterms kicked me in the ass because that was around the same time I began working at chipotle. Even before Chipotle, I was falling behind on the readings and assignments for my classes. On the other hand, my internship with Amirah is not a stressor in my life because it is an experience that I am passionate about. I’m not bothered having to wake up early and end my days late when it comes to my internship because I am that committed. Being overwhelmed and stressed I passed all my midterms with good grades (all As and one B)! Then the unexpected happened...

October 29th at 11:18pm, I received a phone call from my mother informing me that my Grandmother Shirley unexpected passed away. I think they determined her cause of death was because of a heart attack. I’m not sure. Honestly, I don’t think I really want to know. I’m hoping she passed away peaceful. The news sent me into shock. I just couldn’t believe it. I still can’t believe it. I just had a conversation with that previous Thursday or Saturday, and the conversation went so well. She was so proud of me. She was excited for me to be home for Christmas and all these other things. It’s not the same, but at least we were able to say “I love you” before she passed. Who would’ve known that would be the last time I will ever speak to her again. And this had to happen around the holidays and around the same time that Laura Mae (my great grandmother passed away). In less than three weeks, I received a phone call and text early in the morning from my Grandma Louise and my dad telling me that my granddaddy unexpectedly passed away too. Two grandparents removed from my life at the snap of the finger.

With help from my family, I was able to fly to Virginia for both funeral services. This time I said my final good-byes unlike with Laura Mae. I didn’t want to live with that guilt. Everyone has been very compassionate, understanding, and accommodating to my situation and has given me time to grieve & heal especially regarding BC, Amirah, & Chipotle. I missed a few classes and had to receive a few extensions on a couple of assignments. I pulled through the best way I could manage in my emotional state. My emotional state didn’t get any better dealing with my relationship during this time. Some of my boyfriend’s recent decisions added more unnecessary stress in my life. I was already stressed about me introducing him to my entire family because the timeline got rushed and I wasn’t for sure if I wanted him around while I’m going through a mental & emotional meltdown. At the end of the day, he wanted to be there for me to provide his live and support and I wasn’t going to deny him of doing so. It would’ve been selfish of me to tell him “No”. Everything happens for a reason. Instead of spending maybe two weeks together, my boyfriend and I spent basically all of November together bouncing between Gloucester and Woodstock. It sucked that it had to be under sad circumstances.

Decisions, decisions, decisions that is where my mind was at. Only a few individuals gave me the needed space to focus & process my emotions. From all angles I was being pressured to make some permanent decisions in which my mind was not in the right mind frame to be thinking. I did reach out and have been receiving counseling services from the university which has been helpful. I am in the process of searching for a therapist outside of the university for long-term treatment. Though I tell myself sometimes I feel like quitting, I decided to remain a full time student, declared my concentration, and completed my field placement application for 2021-2022 academic year. I’m on tract to graduating Spring 2022. Being blessed again, I was able to receive extensions on two of my finals and on my field placement assignments. I passed all my finals! I received all As and one B+. I ended the semester with a 3.6 GPA. Not too shabby (lol). I know my grandparents are very proud of me.

I’m proud of myself! I didn’t surrender and take the easy way out. I turned 24 on the 7th which is another milestone in my life. I was shown much love that exceeded my expectations. I spent the Christmas alone, but I made the best out of my situation & was still able to connect with my loved ones. Since the 18th I devoted my downtime, and overall winter break taking better care of myself. The last week I was home, I noticed that I’ve been severely neglecting myself and it was heavily damaging my well-being. I’m growing in setting and maintaining my boundaries, learning to be present with emotions & resting, being okay with saying “no” and not feeling guilty about it. The most important lesson is not overworking myself in every aspect of my life. I am no good to myself or others if I am completely burnt out. 

I am praying that 2021 isn’t a continuation of this year. Yet, 2020 has not been all too horrible. I have been able to grow in so many ways that I am becoming a better individual. Most important, I’m continuing to learn how to be a better person for myself!

[tommygrimesii]

My father, Reverend James Grimes, has passed away. My father is not alive. My father is dead.

I need to repeat those words to myself sometimes because it still seems so unreal. My father passed away on April 21st, 2020. He was living in Gracedale Nursing Home in Nazareth, Pennsylvania. For over 10 years he suffered from early onset dementia. His decline was slow and steady, eventually leading to a sort-of plateau. For the last 5 years I haven’t been able to see so much as a glimmer of the man I knew as my father. In my mind he was gone. But he wasn’t. I could still see him. He was there physically. All the things people say about Dementia and Alzheimer’s are true. It’s a fate I would not wish on everyone. That my father got it in his 50’s seems cruel. 

I always expected to receive the call that my father had passed suddenly. It was a cloud that has followed me over these past 5 years since he plateaued. As I traveled, moved and deployed with the military, I always felt on edge. I knew at any moment that I could get the news and hurry home. I expected it, yes. But, I can’t say that I was prepared, certainly not for the circumstances under which he finally left us. 

I thought his nursing home was a relatively secure place to be at the onset of the coronavirus pandemic. They had gone under lockdown in March. My conversations with my mother never gave me any reason to think he was in any danger. I knew that if he were to contract the illness it was likely be a death sentence for him with his compromised immune system. Then I got the call from my mother. There had been an outbreak at Gracedale and my father tested positive for COVID-19. Within a week of up and down reports, he passed in the morning hours. He was one of the almost 70 deaths in the nursing home where he resided.

With deaths now approach a quarter of a million, I know my family is not alone in our experience. Upon his passing there was no way for me to be physically close to my sisters and mother. Having recently moved to the West Coast, I wanted so badly to hop on a plane and head home. But there was nothing to be done. Nothing I could do. I put my focus instead on a memorial video for my father and spoke with my sisters about his passing and legacy. In retrospect, it was by far the hardest video I’ve ever had to create. 

Still, It was cathartic. My father was an Evangelical minister. At the time of his dementia diagnosis I was finishing college. After leaving home and moving to Philadelphia I finally felt like I had the space to admit to myself that I no longer could call myself a Christian. What I thought was the end to a steady stream of doubt and investigation was really only the beginning of my deconstruction. It’s a journey I still find myself on all these years later. Every day I learn something new, have a preconception shattered or recognize ways that the culture that brought me up has affected the world and myself. I once feared what the conversations I would have with my father would be like after he learned I had decided to take my life down such a starkly different road. I wonder now if it is worse that we never got to have those conversations. Perhaps I needed that closure.

I didn’t often comment publicly on my beliefs (or lack thereof). I thought about it often though. I wrote screenplays. I talked with friends and family that had shared experiences with leaving the church. I wanted to dive deeper. A few years ago I decided it was time to start filming some sort of documentary about my family. It was time to put that film degree and combat camera experience to work.

On January 1st, 2016, my oldest sister, Carrie, called me at work. She had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Eventually, we learned that she had the BRCA1 mutation which is genetic. Her specific variant is one only found in Ashkenazi Jewish people. Thankfully, my sister is a complete bad ass. She kicked cancer’s ass while be a full-time mom, nursing student, Air Force Reservists and while working a full time job (seriously, I don’t know how she does it). With the news of our family having Jewish ancestry the spark was lit to begin work the documentary.

My father was adopted. We always knew that. It made it all the more difficult to know whether his dementia was something that is common in his family. We always speculated about his ethnicity. I always maintained hope that we would find out we were Jewish. Like many Evangelical families, we had a big crush on the country of Israel. But even more so than most because our father had studied in Israel for a year in college. He brought back with him a love for Jewish culture that he impressed upon us with his stories. Myself, I was always into movies. Nearly all of my idols as a child were Jewish.

So, I set forth to find my father’s biological family. I took 3 DNA tests including Ancestry DNA, 23 and Me and Family Tree DNA. Together they revealed that I had between 34-40% Ashkenazi Jewish ancestry. For me that was a stunning revelation made bittersweet by the reality that my father would never get to share in the knowledge.

Over the last 3 years I have made progress on my search. I realize now that this story is as much about my search for my father’s family as it is about my understanding of myself. It’s about my family, my mother, my sisters and our childhood growing up in the Evangelical Christian subculture. It is about how we all went our own ways as adults to reconcile what faith means to each of us. I am finally gathering the courage to speak about why I left Christianity. I am now trying to find my voice and share my experience.

What I’ve learned after seeing my father’s illness and my sister’s close call is that I need to make the most of the time I have. Thankfully, over these past few months I have finally been able to take the time this venture requires. I hope to be posting more videos to my YouTube channel and also write more about my journey.

I am learning as I go. I know it doesn’t need to be perfect. It just needs to be out there. It’s the best I can do. My hope is that this story may find others dealing with loss or deconstruction. And If it does then I think I will feel like I have accomplished my goal.

My father is gone, but his story continues.

[footloose-travel]

Plan B

        We were hanging around Montana for almost 6 weeks waiting for the Canadian border to open so we could cross over and slowly make our way up to Alaska. The original plan was to start around June 1st but as we know the best laid plans and all that. When Canada made the decision to extend the border closure until mid July we decided it was too late for us to go to Alaska this season. We always talked about Plan B as our option if the border wasn’t opened by June 21st but to be honest we didn’t really have a concrete Plan B. I think we both felt for sure things would work out the way we hoped since they almost always do, so it was with some reluctance that we accepted that this time Plan B was actually going to be what was next for us. We loved Montana but had been there before and once the decision was made to wait on Alaska, it was time to leave. Montana is one of the states least affected by Covid-19 so we were insulated from the worst of it and barely had any impact on our lifestyle at all. Another thing to love about Montana.         We started by backtracking into Idaho and spent time in Idaho Falls. I had never been there before and found it to be quite nice. The city hugs the Snake River with a Greenbelt system of trails with parks and waterfalls. The hydroelectric plant originally built in 1902 provides the electricity for the city and surrounding areas. We were glad to find out the Museum of Idaho was partially open (history part was closed for renovations) and we enjoyed the science section immensely. From there we went to the Idaho side of Bear Lake. This natural freshwater lake is 109 square miles in size and is split about equally between the 2 sIdes of the Idaho-Utah border. We drove the scenic route around the lake and stopped several times to take photos and appreciate the beauty.         We had a nice shady spot in the campground we stayed in and the overall place had a nice comfortable vibe. John was asking a local couple about things to do while we were there and they had several suggestions, one of which was to take a drive up to Bloomington Lake. This lake they said was quite beautiful but to get there you had to drive on a gravel dirt road for about 7 miles through dense forest following a stream, and then park and hike in about a 1/2 mile to actually get to the lake. We thought this would be a fun adventure so got in our trusty pickup truck and headed out. The road turned out to be a single lane that got gradually more pot-holed the further in we drove. There was only one vehicle we encountered coming the other way and were fortunate we were in a spot that was wide enough for both of us to get through. We finally got to a part that was gated closed 3 miles from the lake due to mud from snow melts that previous tourists made impassable by vehicle. Unwilling to make the 6 mile round trip hike to the lake and back we decided to turn around. That’s where the fun began. As we made our way slowly down the road we encountered several more vehicles and always had to do some slow maneuvering between us to get past. Every time we had our windows down and exchanged greetings along with the information that the road to the lake was closed. Some kept going willing to make the hike while others turned around. We then encountered 3 pick up trucks traveling together, the third one having dual wheels. We pulled up as close as we could to the edge of a drop off to the creek and the first 2 got past. The third truck apparently pulled further onto the upside embankment and disturbed a large boulder that went under the truck. The driver tried to proceed further lodging the boulder forward of the rear axle so he was stuck. There was only an inch to spare on either side of us between his truck and the dirt embankment. A guy got out of the truck and said he would guide us past. At first we didn’t want to try it because the embankment was not sturdy and we really didn’t want to end up in the creek. He assured us he would guide us and John said, “If I go into the creek I’m going to kick your ass”. The guy said, “It’s on me”, with a smile. So we slowly proceeded following his instructions. I was worried and my heart rate was up but we slowly inched past. As we drove on I felt a little bad for the guy that was stuck because he was not going to go anywhere with that boulder lodged under his truck. Plus there were people behind us in a van that had turned around when we told them about the closure. They had a baby with them and I was hoping they wouldn’t get stuck for long. We were still several miles in before getting to a main road and we felt quite fortunate to have gotten away from the cluster it became. Going around a blind curve we came head on to an older guy in a Quad going way too fast. He had to jam on his breaks and actually looked a bit annoyed. We didn’t bother telling him about the issue up the road. We then came upon a local couple who we relayed the story to and he shook his head in amusement and said it wasn’t the first time someone had to be rescued from that road. Fortunately he had a winch and said he knew the road like the back of his hand since he grew up there. They continued on to offer their help and we felt a lot better about dodging that bullet.         With the 4th of July holiday approaching and knowing campgrounds fill up, we needed a place to hunker down during the mayhem. We first spent a couple days in Fort Bridger, WY an important stop on the Oregon Trail before proceeding to Coalville, UT (about 25 miles north of Park City). We found a decent campground close to the Rail Trail that runs from Echo to Park City. It is an old railroad bed that goes by Echo Reservoir and is a great hiking trail. We hiked the trail a couple different ways and the weather has been beautiful. Besides exploring the local area and surrounding towns we went into Salt Lake City where I got my first time view of the huge lake. John went skydiving one day at SkyDive Utah and got to see the Lake from the air that he said was quite magnificent. Also drove through Kamas to Mirror Lake and it felt more like Colorado than Utah with lots of evergreens and mountains. From here we are heading to Elko, Nevada to the beautiful mountain range area. So far Plan B is working just fine.        For all the photos see John and Charlotte’s flickr sites. Just click on either of our names.

[daggerzine]

You Gotta Lose? Hell, Some Of Us Ain’t Dead Yet by Mary Leary

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0fz3FVBlOE

NRBQ has done so many amazing songs. I never thought much about “Roll Call,” from Tiddlywinks - for one thing, it has a lighter, almost Billy Joel sound that’s more about latter day Terry Adams style than what I think of as the classic Q. Yet just as Adams’ work has grown on me, this track has made its way into my consciousness. The lyrics speak to me more in 2020 than they did when Tiddlywinks was released in 1980, before the D.C.-area music scene had lost Robert Goldstein (Urban Verbs), Kevin MacDonald (brilliant visual artist and scene stalwart who helped me design and layout [The] Infiltrator), Danny Gatton disciple/guitar maverick Evan Johns, bassist Michael Maye from the original H-Bombs, Rick Dreyfuss (Half Japanese/Chumps/Shakemore), Libby Hatch and Michael Mariotte  (Tru Fax and the Insaniacs), Sally Be/Berg - REM/Egoslavia/SHE/Robert Palmer), Nurses member Marc Halpern (heroin, 1982), Lorenzo (Pee- Wee) Jones (Tiny Desk Unit) and hybrid rocker Jim Altman (HIV, 1990s).  Goldstein, Dreyfuss, Maye and MacDonald succumbed to cancer, while Evan Johns’ deterioration followed years of touring, hard drinking and pushing himself past the limit.

(Top to bottom: Tommy Keene, Kevin MacDonald, Susan Mumford)

Those named above have been joined by Tommy Keene (the Rage/the Razz/solo/Paul Westerberg/Matthew Sweet - cardiac arrest at the age of 59; 2017), TDU’s Susan Mumford (cancer, 2018), David Byers (Psychotics/H.R./Bad Brains), and Skip Groff (Yesterday and Today/ Limp Records/Dischord - seizure, 2019).  This is just an imperfect/incomplete naming of D.C.-area losses - I’m sure journalists from other cities could make lists. A horde of New Wave and early alternative musicians have died within the past few years. Whether through the stress of hard living/poverty, substance abuse, cancer or Covid-19, we’re seeing artists pass much earlier than I, anyway, expected them to.

(Top to bottom: Fred "Freak” Smith, Michael Maye with Evan Johns, Tru Fax and the Insaniacs)

We’re already past the loss of all the original Ramones. All the Cramps less Poison Ivy. Joe Strummer. Robert Quine. Hilly Kristal. Lou Reed. As of July, 2020, since 2018 we’ve also lost Andy Gill, Ivan Kral, Genesis P-Orridge, Adam Schlesinger, Danny Mihm, Ric Ocasek, Daniel Johnston, Kim Shattuck, Lorna Doom, Mark Hollis, Keith Flint, Ranking Roger, Mark E. Smith, Glenn Branca, Randy Rampage, Hardy Fox, Pete Shelley, Matthew Seligman, Bill Rieflin, Dave Greenfield, Florian Schneider,  Ian Dury, Benjamin Orr, Kirsty McColl and David Roback.

(Top to bottom: Sally Be/Berg, Ranking Roger, Danny Mihm)

Talking about the deaths of talented, gifted creatives is a helluva way to start a column. But here we are. Older performers don’t always get the attention afforded newer, so the rest of this piece shares and celebrates artists from the original New Wave/punk scenes who are still around and active. Many are from the D.C.-area cornucopia I know best, while others have just come to my attention, or seem especially noteworthy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MED9_XK_JVQ

The Zeros’ Javier Escovedo has been steadily emitting tasty Americana-ish rock while occasionally dropping some Zeros sturm-’n’-drang - most recently with Munster Records single “In The Spotlight” and a track on Burger Records’ Quarantunes compilation. Quarantunes is a seven-album affair featuring 140 alternative/punk performers old and new, all of whom wrote songs between March-April 2020. A cursory listen to Volume 2 reveals the recorded version of a good night at a very wild bar, with Zeros still handily kicking ass of all ages.

https://velvetmonkeys.bandcamp.com/album/legacy-of-success?fbclid=IwAR0lJyS0YDE4e3o7LJiITEtw1lhBWMkUX47Vuag1Lf9fs2QozJJKD1lwkes

Velvet Monkeys/B.A.L.L. player and Sonic Youth/Teenage Fanclub producer Don Fleming reports, “We’ve put out new tracks ‘Theories of Rummanetics’ and ‘Legacy of Success.’ Jay has written a few ‘modules’ and Malcolm and I are having fun doing the music,” adding, “I play some electric six string on the new Rob Moss album - it’s fun to be on, with lots of guitar slingers from the DC daze.”

Yup, Rob Moss of Skin-Tight Skin has solicited contributions from Fleming and from Marshall Keith (Slickee Boys), along with a pile of talent including Stuart Casson (Psychotics/Dove/Meatmen), Franz Stahl (Foo Fighters/Scream), Billy Loosigian (Nervous Eaters, the Boom-Boom Band), Nels Cline (Wilco) and Saul Koll (the guy who made guitars for Henry Kaiser and Lee Ranaldo). The set is called We’ve Come Back To Rock ‘n’ Roll.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdIB8a_0Q4c

Chumps/Workdogs/Jam Messengers player Rob Kennedy apparently has too much energy to throw in the towel - he’s kept recording, performing and making various sorts of lo-fi, DIY mischief that never loses that fresh, ‘70s feeling. Jam Messengers released Night And Day on vinyl in 2017. One of my fave Kennedy tracks, “A Low Down Dirty Shame” speaks to this moment as well as any.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-CRBEGVLE4

Former Tiny Desk Unit/Fuji’s Navy/Rhoda & the Bad Seeds members Bob Boilen, Kevin Lay, Michael Barron and Bob Harvey have released a new Danger Painters joint, Thank Speak Love This Record. Lay joked, “I have a voice made for Morse Code” before revealing his recent work with Rhoda and the Bad Seeds material, released June 30 as Live at Nightclub 9:30. Boilen continues to introduce artists both vital and obscure via Tiny Desk Concerts and All Songs Considered/NPR.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejQ1GajwfB0

I’ve seen David Arnson play recently and can attest to his proclivity for unfettered growth via Insect Surfers, the instrumental group that originally had some trouble establishing cred. with younger D.C. punks. The Surfers’ most recent release was Living Fossils (2019). Arnson celebrated the band’s 40 years of existence with a European tour in 2019.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5SkIuWIZVkM

Jad Fair says, “Half Japanese will have a new album released in November on Fire Records.” Jad’s art was recently featured at the Hiromart Gallery/Tokyo, while David has created a Facebook page where fans can pick up his colorful images for, well, mere bags o’ shells, as far as we can see -  https://www.facebook.com/David-Fair-Painting-107055447700859/

Despite health issues for several members, Bad Brains has collaborated with Element to make BB themed skate wear https://www.elementbrand.com/mens-collection-bad-brains/ and added some killer live tracks to its YouTube channel.  

Former WGTB programmers John Paige and Steve Lorber have been presenting Rock Continuum on WOWD-LP FM 94.3 since 2017.

Mike Stax continues to give excellent motivation for hunting down a pair of Beatle boots - Munster released the Loons’ 7” EP, A Dream In Jade Green, last year. The latest issue of Ugly Things, said by Stax to be heavily focused on the Pretty Things’ Phil May, was reported in early July to be nearing publication.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6jSc7gEAv0

Razz (the) Documentary will tell the story of how an uncommonly combustible rock band - especially with the Bill Craig/Abaad Behram line-up - helped spread the Flamin’ Groovies gospel while throwing down oddly compelling originals and taking the two-guitar thing up several notches - the producers are purportedly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Whether anyone can ever recreate the experience of being in an altered state via obsessive, sometimes conversational repetition of certain chords, anchored by Ted Nicely rethinking just what can be done with a bass guitar, given girth by Doug Tull’s intuitive drumming; with Mike Reidy the heat-seeking missile somewhere near the center... well, I doubt it. ‘Cause at this point you’re feeling no pain and it’s not about drinking; there is no room for anything but water - the beer will be knocked over when you’re this busy matching David Arnson’s other-side-of-the-front-line’s leaps into joydum while PCP’d out yahoos from the sticks learn the hard way that hugging Marshall amps can lead to lifelong repercussions. There (in case nothing I want to say about [the] Razz makes it into the film) - I’ve said it.

Discussions among old friends have confirmed that I’m not alone in being happily surprised at this development - we never expected our actions - which led to the hardcore explosion that’s received a lot more attention... would ever make it into any history book. Yet coverage of many of the D.C.-area musicians featured in this piece also comes with Punk The Capitol, A History of D.C. Punk and Hardcore, 1976-1983. Spring 2021 is the projected date for streaming/DVD release.

Ivan Julian came back from a scary 2015 bout with cancer to do a show in New York in 2016. The cancer has returned. Friends have organized a GoFundMe to raise money for surgery and basic needs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDB_3by-xkI

The Shakemore fest also refuses to fade, promising “eight hours of streaming steaming video” on August 1. Sounds will be provided by R. Stevie Moore, Velvet Monkeys, Tav Falco’s Panther Burns, Half Japanese, Johnny Spampinato, Weird Paul and the Chumps, among many, many others.

Despite having played at CBGB and other alternative venues in 1979, at the height of the New Wave, Gary Wilson’s work is so distinctive, he’s rarely been included with any musical genre other than the oft-vague “experimental” category. Folks were too unmoored by his visceral performances to get behind him. Wilson’s 14th album, Tormented, was released by Cleopatra in February.

Paul Collins recently published a book that he wrote with Chuck Nolan; I Don’t Fit In: My Wild Ride Through the Punk and Power Pop Trenches with the Nerves and the Beat (Hozac Books).

As “Heath,” Michael Layne Heath, a journalist who contributed to (the) Infiltrator and many other ‘zines, published My Week Beats Your Year: Encounters with Lou Reed in May (Hat & Beard Press).

In April, X released its first album in 35 years; Alphabetland.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ1I-laItPI

As exciting for me as any of the above is Richard Hell with the Heartbreakers’ 2019 release of Yonkers Demo 1976. Hell’s “You Gotta Lose” is one of my picks for best punk/new wave singles of all time. The Heartbreakers version is, predictably, messier than the Robert Quine guitar-spiked classic. Its more excessive charms are growing on me...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48QnsysCN_A

This piece could go on and on - compiling it has been exhausting. The best part has been the response to my social media call for any info I didn’t have re: the D.C.-centric scene I left for New York in 1983. Musicians anxious to keep their compadres’ names alive have hammered that post with 138 comments to date. Urban Verbs percussionist Danny Frankel, who’s played with a colorful spread of artists including Beck, Marianne Faithful, Lou Reed, John Cale and k.d. Lang, made a point of being sure I knew about the passing of Marc Halpern, a source of obvious pain. People were worried I wouldn’t mention John Stabb (Government Issue - 2016), rockabilly player Billy Hancock (2018), Fred “Freak” Smith (Strange Boutique/Beefeater - murdered in Los Angeles, 2017), John Hansen (Slickee Boys - 2010), record store owner/Wasp Records starter/music supporter Bill Asp, Jimmy Barnett of The Killer Bees, and David Byers.

One of the hardest for me to write about is Chris Morse, whose 1984 passing from a drug overdose wrenched so many - I managed to get an obituary into, I think, The New York Rocker (that physical trek was part of a long-ago blur; a very hot day of traipsing over steaming concrete in a narrow-skirted dress to deliver the copy). Chris popped up in my dreams for years - one “visitation” pushed me to write a poem about it in the ‘90s. Morse, who played in Rhoda & The Bad Seeds and worked as a doorman at The Pyramid after moving to NYC in the early ‘80s, was on one of the Urban Verbs’ early flyers. I’m on another.

(Top to bottom: Me in an early Verbs flyer/photo shot at the Atlantis; Chris Morse on another Verbs flyer)

I ended up getting so burnt out on the responsibility of populating this sad roll call, I’ve started a memorial page for them all on Facebook. The nature of truly alternative music is such that many of its lights still fail to fill the pages of major publications. Many of these lights gave a great deal of their lives, if not everything, for the art they believed in. It’s good to remember them, and those heady early days. It’s good to enjoy what we still can.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cA3IfK76mmI

[ladystylestores]

Ars’ summer reading guide for our very surreal summer

Enlarge / A lot of literature in this.

Look, we’re admittedly biased around the Ars Orbital HQ. Whether the best of times or worst of times, we routinely find comfort in a good book. COVID-19 has changed so much about our day-to-day lives, including some of our entertainment habits around things like gaming or streaming TV and film. But when it comes to precious reading time in between work and busy personal lives, we’re continually drawn to the stories that grip us—as grim as some of those may be.

This year’s staff summer recommendation/To Be Read list has a few newer releases, plenty of old classics, and a lot of alternate reality/sci-fi. Ars’ book tastes remain nothing if not on-brand, meaning we may never get through one of these without Douglas Adams being mentioned. Here’s everything, Hitchhiker’s Guides and others, we’ve been escaping to.

Enlarge / The Collapsing Empire, by John Scalzi

Sparth

Series starters

Sci-fi fans who enjoy engaging characters and story driven more by human interaction than technical wharrgarbl will enjoy John Scalzi’s latest trilogy, The Interdependency. The third book just released last week, and it ties things up neatly—a first, for Scalzi. The Interdependency is an old-school galaxy-spanning empire, with a twist—habitable planets are almost impossibly difficult to find, and in an effort to curtail war, the Interdependency was designed so that no system can survive without trade with the others.

This arrangement is fine, until systems begin being inexorably—and permanently—cutting off from access to one another, heralding a collapse of civilization itself. Scalzi lightly channels the kind of wry humor the late, great Douglas Adams was best known for, though never going over-the-top into outright comedy.

If you’re looking for something a little further off the beaten path, I’ve also been enjoying a series called The Murderbot Diaries, by Martha Wells. I’m only a couple of books into the five-book series, but Wells’ description of a confused rogue AI in a cyborg body, with absolutely everything designed, maintained, and forcibly supplied by the lowest bidder, is both charming and engaging. The Murderbot has its own desires, needs, and goals—it’s just not too clear what those are, beyond doing as half-assed a job as possible in order to leave more time for trashy soap-opera consumption. —Jim Salter, Technology Reporter

Hachette

Sci-fi, lots of sci-fi

I read, um, kind of a lot—between 50 and 100 novels a year, most years—and I’m always happy to talk books. In these quarantimes, leaning in and running away seem to be the two big categories in my reading. Sticking to books that were published in the last decade (so leaving out annual comfort re-reads of Lloyd Alexander and Terry Pratchett), I have some thoughts.

If you like motley crews in space: Becky Chambers’s Wayfarer series, starting with The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet. Chambers’s books are optimistic, character-driven science fiction; stories about people and how they feel in a strange and exciting future. Soft and cozy reading.

Just this week I also finished the two books to date in Alex White’s Salvagers series, starting with A Big Ship at the Edge of the Universe. Motley crew of talented space pirates, but also with magic and a set of moral codes. Zippy reading, genuine fun.

If you like cities: I cannot recommend N.K. Jemisin’s latest, The City We Became, highly enough, especially if you love cities and double especially if you’ve spent any time in New York. I haven’t lived in New York City since 2008, and I still could smell and feel and hear every single page. Cities have souls, and this is their story.

If you liked Hidden Figures: Mary Robinette Kowal’s Lady Astronaut books, The Calculating Stars and The Fated Sky. As a Washington, DC, resident, I didn’t love my home being wiped off the map at the start of the apocalypse, but for all that a story of doom kicks off the tale, it is optimistic, Right Stuff spacefaring fiction at its finest.

And if you really want to lean into the apocalypse: Chuck Wendig’s Wanderers poses a pandemic from an animal-borne virus striking humanity right against the landscape of a US presidential election year. It’s the wrong book to read in our actual 2020 if you’re prone to giving yourself nightmares, but it’s still a very good book. —Kate Cox, Tech Policy Reporter

Jordan Peele and J.J. Abrams are among the executive producers of HBO’s Lovecraft Country.

Two greats set in the past

Now is the perfect time to read Lovecraft Country, the 2016 dark fantasy/horror novel by Matt Ruff, since HBO’s adapted series will debut in August. Set in the Jim Crow era of the 1950s, it’s structured almost as a series of short stories, although everything is inter-related and hangs together beautifully as a whole. The first quarter focuses on Atticus, a black Korean war veteran and big H.P. Lovecraft fan, despite the author’s notorious racism. When his estranged father disappears, leaving a cryptic message, Atticus sets out on a road trip from Chicago’s South Side to rural Massachusetts. He’s accompanied by his Uncle George—publisher of The Safe Negro Travel Guide—and his childhood friend Letitia.

There are plenty of sly references to the works of Lovecraft for the astute reader, as we encounter a secret cabal called the Order of the Ancient Dawn, a haunted house, a strange pocket universe, time shifting, shape-shifters, an evil mannequin, and a cursed book. What makes the book so ingeniously subversive, however, is that the worst monsters are not eldritch terrors or a Shoggoth in the woods; it’s the stark racism and bigotry our protagonists encounter along the way.

Beyond that, I’ve got one other recommendation: Iain Pears‘ sprawling 1997 novel, An Instance of the Fingerpost. Part historical murder mystery, part philosophical rumination on the unreliability of human memory and personal narratives—aka the “Rashomon effect” after Akira Kurosawa’s classic 1950 film— the novel remains one of my all-time favorite reads that I return to every few years. The title refers to a quote from Francis Bacon, who held that all evidence is fallible, and yet there can be “one instance of a fingerpost that points in one direction only, and allows of no other possibility.”

Pears is a former BBC reporter who garnered early success with his art-history mysteries featuring fictional detective/art historian Jonathan Argyll. Those novels are light and quite fun, but with Fingerpost, Pears attains a whole new level of thematic complexity. It’s almost as if he started out writing a simple tale of a 17th-century Oxford murder, only to be carried away as that world and its denizens came alive for him. It’s been justly compared to Umberto Eco’s 1980 bestselling novel The Name of the Rose, although I prefer Fingerpost.

This was a tumultuous period of enlightenment, when new scientific ideas were flourishing and conflicting with religious institutions, and political intrigue was everywhere. There are four sections, each narrated by a different character, each remembering their version of the 1663 arsenic poisoning of a man named Robert Grove many years later. A servant girl confessed, but the four witnesses—an Italian physician, the son of an alleged Royalist traitor, a cryptographer, and an Oxford archivist—each identified a different culprit, and only one will ultimately reveal the truth about what really happened. Pears masterfully evokes Restoration England, as Charles II regained the throne after Oliver Cromwell‘s short-lived attempt at a republic, and his characters (historical figures and fictional ones) are richly detailed. It’s a long book but so riveting that you’ll be tempted to devour it as fast as possible, and you’ll be pondering the nature of truth entirely by the end. —Jennifer Ouellette, Senior Writer

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