#courtesy of sing a rebel song

[a-star-that-burns-brightly]

[ content warning: discussion of in-canon sexual abuse ] Maybe it’s just because I’m not too active in the ALNST fandom and mostly observe from afar, but I think this fandom brushed aside way too quickly the fact that Till was sexually assaulted. I have never seen anyone talk in depth about like, what that actually means in terms of his arc and the storytelling of his character. Which I find deeply, deeply upsetting because holy fucking shit.

This man right here has been told, basically his entire life, that not only is he himself not worthy of being treated as a human, but that his body is not his body, but a piece of property that can be owned. And whoever owns his property can use it for whatever, and however they wish. Now, dehumanization is nothing new or unique in this world, obviously. The very concept of Pet Humans is dehumanizing by nature, leaving all six of our main characters as victims to it, even those who are more well-off like Mizi. But Till is a specially fucked up case almost distinctly unlike the rest, because he is actually treated like a fucking dog.

(x) Ivan: If you keep rebelling like that, they won’t ever remove your collar you know? Till: This annoying bastard… — Ivan: I told you so, didn’t I? You didn’t listen? Till: This annoying bastard... (translation courtesy of @leiikos on youtube)

(x)

An unruly animal who needs to be leashed up and put in it’s place. Animals, as is common knowledge, are not on the same level as a human being. But they are ordained to follow the commands of those above them. And if someone (thing) isn’t doing as it is told…

It deserves to be taught better. But I’m getting ahead of myself. This is the mindset that has followed Till his entire life by the ones who were supposed to take care of him. He is not human, even less human than the existing inhuman. He is a pet, even more so than the other pets, an animal. A thing. Property. Something to own. And the best thing about owning something?

You gain the ability to do whatever you want to it. Till’s body was not his from the start. It was used as something to toy around with, experiment with, to train and train and train, presumably for his whole life. His body, his skin, his flesh and bone and blood, it was all nothing more than a plaything. So what if he screams? Just ignore it. Or don’t. If this competition has taught us anything, voices have the most value of all. On top of it being reinforced that Till is not deserving of humanity, he is also not deserving of his bodily autonomy. People are free to do whatever they want with his body because it’s not his body, it’s theirs. And that brings us, finally, to the scene itself

He can’t sing her song, he refuses to. This isn’t the first time he’s refused to do something, far from it actually. What was once an innocent puppy with dilated hope in his eyes has grown into an angry, disobedient mutt. And we know what happens to an animal that refuses to do what they’re told. But there’s something interesting about dogs, or rather about the ones they descended from, the wolf: When the circumstances call for it, they will bite the hand that’s supposed to feed them.

And here is where I intrude to remind you that this is the only time we see anyone physically fighting back against the aliens in the confines of Alien Stage. We see Hyuna and Mizi fucking up aliens in All In, but that was after they had escaped from the cage. And you could make a case for Mizi trying to escape the grasp of the guards that grabbed her in Ruler of My Heart, but from what we saw she didn’t actually lay a hand on them and more so just tried to force herself out of their grasp. though if you disagree with me on that that's fine Here though? Till has this bitch’s face grabbed into his palm with a bottle in hand ready to smash it directly in between it’s eyes. I consider this to be the first act of physical violence shown against the aliens within the uncomfortably tight enclosure. And it’s triggered not because of anything personally done to Till, which on its own could probably fill a list that reaches the ground. But because of the prospect of Mizi being dead. Till knows that this place is shit, that his life is shit. Said so directly on his profile.

Dislikes: Everyone, including Guardian Urak (translation courtesy of @kh47uo on twitter)

But he stays regardless because Mizi is there. If Mizi is dead, Till has absolutely nothing to lose…Right?

I can almost imagine him thinking: There’s nothing you can put me through that’s worse than every other way you’ve hurt me. …But there was. Oh there was.

A final, disgusting message to the pet to put him back in his place. Back on his leash. Making sure he will never forget where he stands for the rest of his days.

And that is really what the sexual assault of Till represents to me. It is a cruel reminder to Till that fighting back is impossible, having hope, being free, it might as well be a fool's fantasy. He will always be less-than-human, less than anything. His body will always be the property of the ones that were supposed to protect him, claimed, and then used used used until it’s worn out and dead.

And the aliens chose to exemplify that fact in the most direct way they possibly could.

So what if he screams? Just ignore it. Or don’t. If this competition has taught us anything, screams have the most value of all

[biglisbonnews]

Inside Kim Petras' Big 'Saturday Night Live' Debut Kim Petras is wiping away tears, careful as to not smudge her snow-white eyeshadow. Hours prior, she performed her No. 1 hit “Unholy” on Saturday Night Live with fellow queer musician Sam Smith — and now, she’s coming off the immediate high of an intimate moment with the Queen of Pop herself, Madonna. These two back-to-back experiences would be overwhelming for anyone, but they hold special significance to Petras, who’s had her sights set on mainstream success since releasing her first single “I Don’t Want It At All” back in 2017. Clearly, she’s doing something right.Related | Madonna Is the Wildest Party FavorThat day, Petras shared her latest track, “Brrr,” a darker electronic follow-up to “If Jesus Was a Rockstar,” which she dropped at the tail end of 2022. With pounding, icy production that many fans are comparing to Petras’ late friend and former collaborator SOPHIE, “Brrr” is relentless and ominous, as she sings about “knowing what you want and finding someone who isn’t intimidated by you that will come closer and show you how cool they are,” she tells PAPER.At the SNL after party, show guests and their plus-ones crowd into the back of Manhattan’s Rosa Mexicano, sipping margaritas and gushing over Sharon Stone’s iconic surprise cameo during a dramatic performance of Smith’s song “Gloria.” Smith towers over the crowd in a pair of impossibly high platforms and asks how late Flaming Saddles Saloon is open until (4 AM), joined by their new boyfriend, fashion designer Christian Cowan. Elsewhere, there’s skate legend Tony Hawk and host Aubrey Plaza, wearing a Megadeth t-shirt and bottle-blonde hair.Suddenly, Petras and her cohort — creative director, glam team, managers — all excitedly make their way toward the front of the restaurant, moving as one pack. What’s going on? “Madonna’s here,” sitting casually in a booth with photographer Ricardo Gomes, fresh off the announcement of her global tour. Petras’ interaction with Madonna appropriately draws a small crowd, as radio’s newest disruptor chats with the woman who made it possible for something like the Slut Pop EP to exist. Petras references Confessions on a Dancefloor and divulges that it made her feel less alone listening to it at home in Germany as a teenager.With a solo spot on Late Night With Seth Meyers lined up for Monday night, Petras decides to end things early and piles into a Sprinter van after signing a few autographs and posing for paparazzi outside the venue. The ride home is a Madonna singalong with everyone shouting lyrics of “Back That Up to the Beat,” the 2015 Rebel Heart demo that’s been rereleased after going viral on TikTok. “I’ve been drinking Krug Rosé and sometimes lemon drops,” Petras repeats, carrying that one soundbite from the van to her hotel room before removing her wig and saying “goodnight.” As quickly as she appeared underneath Smith’s gown earlier on SNL, Petras disappears, pet Pomeranian in-hand.Tune into Late Night With Seth Meyers at 12:35/11:35 C.Photos courtesy of Kim Petras https://www.papermag.com/kim-petras-saturday-night-live-2659297625.html

[heartmix]

Had Me At Heads Carolina- Adam Page

Pairing: "Hangman" Adam Page x fem!reader

Word Count: 800+

Warning: drinking, that might be it?

A/N: I am so fucking obsessed with this song. I should thank it for getting me out of the writers' block I had all summer. I also had an idea to do Adam's pov of these events.

*Based on She had me at Heads Carolina by Cole Swindell and Heads Carolina, Tails California by Jo De Messina*

Masterlist / Wrestling Masterlist

Who didn't love karaoke? Who didn't love going to the bar and drinking? Who didn't love going to a good country bar to do both of those things? Country bars are like no other. The atmosphere was never dull whether you were line dancing to "fake ID" or belting your heart out to "before he cheats".

Tonight was different. No one in your friend group had any breakups or any recent boyfriend/girlfriend troubles. It was a fun carefree night to celebrate the well-deserved weekend ahead. It seemed like everyone at the bar was doing the same thing seeing no one drowning in their sorrows so far. Friday night was in full force.

Nodding to the bartender, who was a familiar face, to start your tab and your first round as she greeted you guys with a big smile. Taking your seat at the middle of the bar someone was already belting out a Luke Bryan song making you immediately smile. Drunk karaoke was starting early for some people.

"Here you go my darlings. I put you down on the next two." Jo, the bartender gave us our beers and shots with a smile as we all thanked her.

"What's it going to be tonight?" Your best friend asked for your song choice after we took our first sips.

"I'm in the mood for some 90s country." You hummed which didn't really surprise her.

"Can't wait to see that."

Everyone in here was a regular. You could name every single person drunk and with your eyes closed. Those who weren't regulars stuck out like a sore thumb. The group in the far corner booth was a prime example. Although they were tucked away quietly, their clothing and behavior gave it away. All of them stood out except for one.

His denim and boots were a dead giveaway that he wasn't new to the scene. His friend's gym shirts and sneakers were a dead give away they were new. His whiskey compared to his friend's waters and one with a beer intrigued you. You were snapped out of your observing state with your name being called to the stage.

The stage wasn't big but it for sure wasn't small. It was big enough to fit a small band that usually played during the weekdays. The whole bar could see the stage no matter where they were. Smirking as you went on stage, every familiar face cheered for you making any nerves you had, go away. Not like you haven't done this before.

"I'm in a 90's mood. Nothing new for this place." You said into the mic as the crowd cheered in anticipation to see what song you picked.

Baby, what do you say we just get lost

Leave this one horse town like two rebels without a cause

I've got people in Boston, ain't your daddy still in Des Moines

We can pack up tomorrow, tonight let's flip a coin

The first line got everyone in the mood. Who doesn't love some Jo Dee Messina? All eyes were on the stage, even the people in the booths looked your way. Everyone on the dance floor, and around the stage was dancing which let you know that the right song was chosen.

Heads Carolina, tails California

Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer

Up in the mountains, down by the ocean

Where it don't matter, long as we're goin'

Somewhere together, I got a quarter

Heads Carolina, tails California

The song ended with a bunch of cheers and screaming as others were singing along with you. Getting off the stage you had a fresh beer waiting for you courtesy of Jo. All your friends cheered and teased acting as if you were the most famous person here. As you hushed them, from the corner of your eye you felt someone slide into the empty seat to the right of you.

"You had me at heads Caroline." The voice from that said person commented making you look over in curiosity as the voice was recognizable.

To your surprise, it was the same guy you were observing earlier. The one with the nice boots and one of the best brands of whiskey this bar carries. He was the last person you expected to be saying that to you. With him being closer and in better light you got more of a good look at him. Brown curly hair, beard well-groomed, eyes kind and genuine. Something you normally don't find in bars.

"Oh did I now?" You asked in amusement.

"More like, baby, what do you say we just get lost." The words rolled off of his tongue like butter.

Whether it was the little alcohol in your body or the thrill of the karaoke you did just minutes ago, you didn't mind the man's flirting. In fact, you welcomed it with a smile. He was a friendly face despite you only seeing him for the first time not too long ago. The night was different. No heartbreak, no significant other drama, nothing negative, and the man in front of you was quite a good reminder that it was different.

"Hmmh. You had me at heads Carolina."

[anxiouspotatorants]

That’s it, @stellaluna33 and @chambersofthesea have opened a pandora’s box within my musical theatre nerd ass head and now I present to you random musical songs I think Jess would headbang or moap to:

Gee Officer Krupke from West Side Story I subscribe to the idea that West Side Story is Jess’ favourite classic musical, and therefore I also headcanon that he knows this song inside out. I mean come on, it’s literally about the Jets singing about how they are treated like crap at every level of society and are then punished for doing as expected of them. “Golly Moses, naturally we're punks!”

Anything Pierre sings in Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 Another headcanon I agree with (courtesy of @chambersofthesea) is that Jess is a Hadestown fan... which just so happens to have the same director (Rachel Chavkin) as Great Comet. It’s also about a chunk of War and Peace with a healthy dose of experimenting (stage integrated with audience seats, russian folk mixed with EDM and classical and indie rock). But what takes the cake for me is Pierre. So many of Pierre’s lyrics sounds like something Jess would underline in one of his books or write himself at an older age. Highlights include “You empty and stupid/ Contented fellows/ Satisfied with your place/ I'm different from you/ I'm different from you/ I still want to do something” from Pierre, and “None of us are great men/ We're caught in the wave of history/ Nothing matters/ Everything matters/ It's all the same” from Letters.

Leave from Once Once strikes me as one of those musicals that several GG characters would be into, but particularly Jess in later seasons. He’d probably feel too edgy for it as a teenager, but after season 6? Yeah that’s when this musical would hit hard for him, especially the songs Leave and Say It To Me Now.

Children Will Listen from Into the Woods This is the kind of song that I think would simultaneously work as a comfort song and as a gut punch. Jess doesn’t seem like he’d make a good Sondheim ‘stan’, and Into the Woods is definitely not his favourite musical, but specific songs like this one work a little too well to not be something he likes. Exhibit A: “Children may not obey/ But children will listen/ Children will look to you/ For which way to turn/ To learn what to be/ Careful before you say/ "Listen to me."/ Children will listen”

All That’s Known, And Then There Were None and The Mirror-Blue Night from Spring Awakening (honorary mentions: B*tch of Living and Don’t Do Sadness/Blue Wind ) Spring Awakening is really angsty. Jess is really angsty as a teen. Spring Awakening is unconventional and has a lot of teen rebellion. Jess was an unconventional teen rebel (without a cause). This just works really well. Some highlight lyrics: “You doubt them, and soon they bark and hound you/ 'Til everything you say is just another bad about you” from All That’s Known, “But there's nowhere to hide from the ghost in my mind/ It's cold in these bones- of a man and a child/ And there's no one who knows, and there's nowhere to go/ There's no one to see who can see to my soul” from The Mirror-Blue Night and “Just f*ck it—right? Enough, that's it/ You'll still go on—well, for a bit/ Another day of utter shit—/ And then there were none” from And Then There Were None.

Half (if not all) of Hadestown (especially the Epics, Way Down Hadestown, When the Chips Are Down, the Chants, and Promises) As previously mentioned, this definitely seems like a possible favourite for Jess. This ask goes more into it. I think Jess would see himself in both Euridice and Orpheus (arguably more in Euridice, but I still think both). I also think that even though he’d be biased towards the concept album, he’d relate to the NY workshop Hermes. And I won’t highlight lyrics because in that case we would be here all week.

Cancelling the Bar Mitzvah, The Games I Play and I Never Wanted to Love You from Falsettos Dysfunctional family dynamics with whip smart dialogue and roast humour? Yeah that’s perfect for Jess. I’m not sure if he’d relate to any characters (maybe Jason) but he’d be drawn to specific lyrics. Like “I never wanted to love you/ I never wanted, 'till death do we two part.'/ Condescend, stay my friend/ How do I start/ Not to love you?” from I Never Wanted to Love You, and “Tell him things happen for no damn good reason/ And his lack of control kills what’s best in his soul/ And this is the start of his becoming a man” from Cancelling the Bar Mitzvah.

Here are some honorary mentions because this post is getting long:

Poor Jud is Daid from Oklahoma!

Pretty Funny and Come Back from Dogfight

You Don’t Know from Next to Normal

Skid Row (Downtown) from Little Shop of Horrors

Another Room in Your Head and Sick to Death of Alice-ness from Alice by Heart

People from Funny Girl

Thoughts, people? Am I experiencing brainrot or am I on to something?

[ballroomhistory]

Queer Figures of the Harlem Renaissance

Gladys Bentley

Gladys Bentley was a blues singer who thrived during the Harlem Renaissance during the 20s and early 30s, becoming known as Harlem’s favourite ‘bulldagger’ and was known to have many female lovers during her life. Often singing controversial songs and known as a male impersonator for dressing in white tuxedos and top hats, she frequently performed and headlined at the famous gay speakeasy, The Clam House. Around 1930, Bentley married a white woman in Atlantic City, New Jersey. But later, Bentley went back in the closet and her all-too-brief period of fame ended in the 1930s. Ultimately, homophobia, uniting with racism, sexism, and classism, destroyed Bentley’s ability to live creatively and freely and she drew back into the closet and claimed to marry a man who denied ever being married to Bentley (Wilson 2010).

Richard Bruce Nugent

Richard Bruce Nugent was one of the few publicly out queer artists of the Harlem Renaissance and was as the ‘perfumed orchid of the New Negro Movement’ (Glick 2009:86). Nugent was known to have lived with another queer writer Wallace Thurman from the years 1926 to 1928 in Harlem, which led to the publishing of the story ‘Smoke, Lilies, and Jade’ in Thurman's black literary publication Fire!!. The story covered themes of bisexuality and more explicitly interracial male desire. Despite his openness about male attraction, Nugent married Grace Marr in 1952 until her suicide in 1969 (Wirth 2002).

Josephine Baker

Josephine Baker was a well-known singer, dancer and actress within the early years of the Harlem Renaissance. However, she struggled to find an audience within the US and predominantly grew her large career overseas in Paris. Because of this, she is often known as the first Black international star. Her song, ‘J’ai Deux Amours,’ meaning ‘I have two loves,’ became one of her biggest, in which Baker took to mean France and the United States (Goodman 2019). Baker identified herself as bisexual. She married four different times throughout her life but carried on affairs with women, including Mexican artist Frida Kahlo and French author Colette.

Langston Hughes

One of the most well-known and written about, poet, novelist and playwright, Langston Hughes, was a primary voice of the Harlem Renaissance. Although Hughes never spoke of his sexuality often in public, there are a lot of homosexual themes in his work such as ‘Blessed Assurance’ and ‘Seven People Dancing.’ Garber wrote that ‘Hughes was exceedingly cagy and evasive about his emotional involvements, even with his closest friends; as a result, though most of Hughes' biographers concede that the poet was at least sporadically homosexual, the exact nature of his sexuality remains uncertain’ (1990:326). He also often attended and was fond of the Harlem drag balls, naming them the infamous ��spectacles of colour’.

As professor Henry Louis Gates describes, the Harlem Renaissance was, ‘surely as gay as it was black’ (1993:233). With the growth in art, jazz and blues, and drag balls, this time period was defined as ‘homosexual mecca’ or queer paradise and can be seen to have had many other LGBTQ artists that led the Harlem Renaissance. Some of the famous names including Countee Cullen, Ethel Waters, Ma Rainey, Claude Mckay, Alain Locke, Bessie Smith, James Richmond Barthé, Alberta Hunter, Alice Dunbar-Nelson, and Angelina Weld Grimké.

Gates, Henry Louis (1993) The Black Man’s Burden. In Fear of a Queer Planet: Queer Politics and Social Theory ed. Michael Warner, Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Press, pp. 230-238.

Glick, Elisa (2009) Materializing Queer Desire: Oscar Wilde to Andy Warhol. Albany: State University Press.

Jules-Rosette, Bennetta (2007) Josephine Baker in Art and Life. Chicago: University of Illinois Press.

Schwarz, A. B. Christa (2003) Gay Voices of the Harlem Renaissance. Bloomington: Indiana University Press.

Wilson, James F. (2010) Bulldaggers, Pansies, and Chocolate Babies: Performance, Race, and Sexuality in the Harlem Renaissance. Michigan: University of Michigan Press.

Wirth, Thomas H. (2002) Gay Rebel of the Harlem Renaissance. Durham: Duke University Press.

Photo 1: Unknown n.d. A silver gelatin print depicting a black-and-white image of entertainer Gladys Bentley. Bentley is depicted standing in three-quarters profile with her head turned towards the viewer, and her proper right foot forward. She is wearing a white tuxedo, top hat, and she is holding a cane under her proper right arm. Collection of the Smithsonian National Museum of African American History and Culture.

Photo 2: Unknown n.d. Photograph of Richard Bruce Nugent (also Bruce Nugent). Image courtesy Beinecke Library, Yale University.

Photo 3: Walery n.d. Photographic print of Josephine Baker performing at the Folies Bergère. Collection of the Smithsonian National Museum of African American History and Culture and National Portrait Gallery, gift from Jean-Claude Baker.

Photo 4: Unknown n.d. Langston Hughes as a young man. Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture, Photographs and Prints Division, The New York Public Library.

[roman-catholic-mass-readings]

28th September >> Mass Readings (Europe, Africa, New Zealand, Australia & Canada)

Monday, Twenty Sixth Week in Ordinary Time 

    or 

Saint Wenceslaus, Martyr 

    or 

Saints Laurence Ruiz and his Companions, Martyrs.

Monday, Twenty Sixth Week in Ordinary Time

(Liturgical Colour: Green)

First Reading

Job 1:6-22

The Lord gave, the Lord has taken back: blessed be the name of the Lord

One day the Sons of God came to attend on the Lord, and among them was Satan. So the Lord said to Satan, ‘Where have you been?’ ‘Round the earth,’ he answered ‘roaming about.’ So the Lord asked him, ‘Did you notice my servant Job? There is no one like him on the earth: a sound and honest man who fears God and shuns evil.’ ‘Yes,’ Satan said ‘but Job is not God-fearing for nothing, is he? Have you not put a wall round him and his house and all his domain? You have blessed all he undertakes, and his flocks throng the countryside. But stretch out your hand and lay a finger on his possessions: I warrant you, he will curse you to your face.’ ‘Very well,’ the Lord said to Satan ‘all he has is in your power. But keep your hands off his person.’ So Satan left the presence of the Lord.

On the day when Job’s sons and daughters were at their meal and drinking wine at their eldest brother’s house, a messenger came to Job. ‘Your oxen’ he said ‘were at the plough, with the donkeys grazing at their side, when the Sabaeans swept down on them and carried them off. Your servants they put to the sword: I alone escaped to tell you.’ He had not finished speaking when another messenger arrived. ‘The fire of God’ he said ‘has fallen from the heavens and burnt up all your sheep, and your shepherds too: I alone escaped to tell you.’ He had not finished speaking when another messenger arrived. ‘The Chaldaeans,’ he said ‘three bands of them, have raided your camels and made off with them. Your servants they put to the sword: I alone escaped to tell you.’ He had not finished speaking when another messenger arrived. ‘Your sons and daughters’ he said ‘were at their meal and drinking wine at their eldest brother’s house, when suddenly from the wilderness a gale sprang up, and it battered all four corners of the house which fell in on the young people. They are dead: I alone escaped to tell you.’

Job rose and tore his gown and shaved his head. Then falling to the ground he worshipped and said:

‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb,

naked I shall return.

The Lord gave, the Lord has taken back.

Blessed be the name of the Lord!’

In all this misfortune Job committed no sin nor offered any insult to God.

The Word of the Lord

R/ Thanks be to God.

Responsorial Psalm

Psalm 16(17):1-3,6-7

R/ Turn your ear to me, O Lord; hear my words.

Lord, hear a cause that is just,

pay heed to my cry.

Turn your ear to my prayer:

no deceit is on my lips.

R/ Turn your ear to me, O Lord; hear my words.

From you may my judgement come forth.

Your eyes discern the truth.

You search my heart, you visit me by night.

You test me and you find in me no wrong.

R/ Turn your ear to me, O Lord; hear my words.

I am here and I call, you will hear me, O God.

Turn your ear to me; hear my words.

Display your great love, you whose right hand saves

your friends from those who rebel against them.

R/ Turn your ear to me, O Lord; hear my words.

Gospel Acclamation

John 14:6

Alleluia, alleluia!

I am the Way, the Truth and the Life, says the Lord;

No one can come to the Father except through me.

Alleluia!

Or:

Mark 10:45

Alleluia, alleluia!

The Son of Man came to serve

and to give his life as a ransom for many.

Alleluia!

Gospel

Luke 9:46-50

The least among you all is the greatest

An argument started between the disciples about which of them was the greatest. Jesus knew what thoughts were going through their minds, and he took a little child and set him by his side and then said to them, ‘Anyone who welcomes this little child in my name welcomes me; and anyone who welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me. For the least among you all, that is the one who is great.’

John spoke up. ‘Master,’ he said ‘we saw a man casting out devils in your name, and because he is not with us we tried to stop him.’ But Jesus said to him, ‘You must not stop him: anyone who is not against you is for you.’

The Gospel of the Lord

R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

————————————

Saint Wenceslaus, Martyr 

(Liturgical Colour: Red)

(Readings for the memorial)

(There is a choice today between the readings for the ferial day (Monday) and those for the memorial. The ferial readings are recommended unless pastoral reasons suggest otherwise)

First Reading

1 Peter 3:14-17

If it is the will of God that you should suffer, it is better to suffer for doing right

If you have to suffer for being good, you will count it a blessing. There is no need to be afraid or to worry about persecutors. Simply reverence the Lord Christ in your hearts, and always have your answer ready for people who ask you the reason for the hope that you all have. But give it with courtesy and respect and with a clear conscience, so that those who slander you when you are living a good life in Christ may be proved wrong in the accusations that they bring. And if it is the will of God that you should suffer, it is better to suffer for doing right than for doing wrong.

Responsorial Psalm

Psalm 125(126):1-6

Those who are sowing in tears will sing when they reap.

When the Lord delivered Zion from bondage,

it seemed like a dream.

Then was our mouth filled with laughter,

on our lips there were songs.

Those who are sowing in tears will sing when they reap.

The heathens themselves said: ‘What marvels

the Lord worked for them!’

What marvels the Lord worked for us!

Indeed we were glad.

Those who are sowing in tears will sing when they reap.

Deliver us, O Lord, from our bondage

as streams in dry land.

Those who are sowing in tears

will sing when they reap.

Those who are sowing in tears will sing when they reap.

They go out, they go out, full of tears,

carrying seed for the sowing:

they come back, they come back, full of song,

carrying their sheaves.

Those who are sowing in tears will sing when they reap.

Gospel Acclamation

Mt5:10

Alleluia, alleluia!

Happy those who are persecuted

in the cause of right,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Alleluia!

Gospel

Matthew 10:34-39

It is not peace I have come to bring, but a sword

Jesus instructed the Twelve as follows: ‘Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth: it is not peace I have come to bring, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. A man’s enemies will be those of his own household.

‘Anyone who prefers father or mother to me is not worthy of me. Anyone who prefers son or daughter to me is not worthy of me. Anyone who does not take his cross and follow in my footsteps is not worthy of me. Anyone who finds his life will lose it; anyone who loses his life for my sake will find it.’

————————————

Saints Laurence Ruiz and his Companions, Martyrs 

(Liturgical Colour: Red)

(Readings for the memorial)

(There is a choice today between the readings for the ferial day (Monday) and those for the memorial. The ferial readings are recommended unless pastoral reasons suggest otherwise)

First Reading

2 Chronicles 24:18-22

'You have deserted the Lord: now he deserts you'

The Judaeans abandoned the Temple of the Lord, the God of their ancestors, for the worship of sacred poles and idols. Because of their guilt, God’s anger fell on Judah and Jerusalem. He sent them prophets to bring them back to the Lord, but when these gave their message, they would not listen. The spirit of God took possession of Zechariah son of Jehoiada the priest. He stood up before the people and said, ‘God says this, “Why do you transgress the commandments of the Lord to no good purpose? You have deserted the Lord, now he deserts you.”’ They then plotted against him and by order of the king stoned him in the court of the Temple of the Lord. King Joash, forgetful of the kindness that Jehoiada, the father of Zechariah, had shown him, killed Jehoiada’s son who cried out as he died, ‘The Lord sees and he will avenge!’

Responsorial Psalm

Psalm 30(31):3-4,6,8,16-17

Into your hands, O Lord, I commend my spirit.

Be a rock of refuge for me,

a mighty stronghold to save me,

for you are my rock, my stronghold.

For your name’s sake, lead me and guide me.

Into your hands, O Lord, I commend my spirit.

Into your hands I commend my spirit.

It is you who will redeem me, Lord.

As for me, I trust in the Lord:

let me be glad and rejoice in your love.

Into your hands, O Lord, I commend my spirit.

My life is in your hands, deliver me

from the hands of those who hate me.

Let your face shine on your servant.

Save me in your love.

Into your hands, O Lord, I commend my spirit.

Gospel Acclamation

Mt5:10

Alleluia, alleluia!

Happy those who are persecuted

in the cause of right,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Alleluia!

Or:

Jn17:19

Alleluia, alleluia!

For their sake I consecrate myself,

so that they too may be consecrated in the truth.

Alleluia!

Or:

2Co1:3-4

Alleluia, alleluia!

Blessed be God, a gentle Father

and the God of all consolation,

who comforts us in all our sorrows.

Alleluia!

Or:

Jm1:12

Alleluia, alleluia!

Happy the man who stands firm,

for he has proved himself,

and will win the crown of life.

Alleluia!

Or:

1P4:14

Alleluia, alleluia!

It is a blessing for you

when they insult you for bearing the name of Christ,

for the Spirit of God rests on you.

Alleluia!

Or:

cf.Te Deum

Alleluia, alleluia!

We praise you, O God,

we acknowledge you to be the Lord;

the noble army of martyrs praise you, O Lord.

Alleluia!

EITHER:

Gospel

Matthew 10:17-22

The Spirit of your Father will be speaking in you

Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Beware of men: they will hand you over to sanhedrins and scourge you in their synagogues. You will be dragged before governors and kings for my sake, to bear witness before them and the pagans. But when they hand you over, do not worry about how to speak or what to say; what you are to say will be given to you when the time comes; because it is not you who will be speaking; the Spirit of your Father will be speaking in you.

‘Brother will betray brother to death, and the father his child; children will rise against their parents and have them put to death. You will be hated by all men on account of my name; but the man who stands firm to the end will be saved.’

OR:

Gospel

Matthew 10:28-33

Do not be afraid of those who kill the body

Jesus said to his apostles: ‘Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; fear him rather who can destroy both body and soul in hell. Can you not buy two sparrows for a penny? And yet not one falls to the ground without your Father knowing. Why, every hair on your head has been counted. So there is no need to be afraid; you are worth more than hundreds of sparrows.

‘So if anyone declares himself for me in the presence of men, I will declare myself for him in the presence of my Father in heaven. But the one who disowns me in the presence of men, I will disown in the presence of my Father in heaven.’

OR:

Gospel

Matthew 10:34-39

It is not peace I have come to bring, but a sword

Jesus instructed the Twelve as follows: ‘Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth: it is not peace I have come to bring, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. A man’s enemies will be those of his own household.

‘Anyone who prefers father or mother to me is not worthy of me. Anyone who prefers son or daughter to me is not worthy of me. Anyone who does not take his cross and follow in my footsteps is not worthy of me. Anyone who finds his life will lose it; anyone who loses his life for my sake will find it.’

OR:

Gospel

Luke 9:23-26

The Son of Man is destined to suffer grievously

Jesus said:

‘If anyone wants to be a follower of mine, let him renounce himself and take up his cross every day and follow me. For anyone who wants to save his life will lose it; but anyone who loses his life for my sake, that man will save it. What gain, then, is it for a man to have won the whole world and to have lost or ruined his very self? For if anyone is ashamed of me and of my words, of him the Son of Man will be ashamed when he comes in his own glory and in the glory of the Father and the holy angels.’

OR:

Gospel

John 12:24-26

If a grain of wheat falls on the ground and dies, it yields a rich harvest

Jesus said to his disciples:

‘I tell you, most solemnly,

unless a wheat grain falls on the ground and dies,

it remains only a single grain;

but if it dies,

it yields a rich harvest.

Anyone who loves his life loses it;

anyone who hates his life in this world

will keep it for the eternal life.

If a man serves me, he must follow me,

wherever I am, my servant will be there too.

If anyone serves me, my Father will honour him.’

OR:

Gospel

John 15:18-21

The world hated me before it hated you

Jesus said to his disciples:

‘If the world hates you,

remember that it hated me before you.

If you belonged to the world,

the world would love you as its own;

but because you do not belong to the world,

because my choice withdrew you from the world,

therefore the world hates you.

Remember the words I said to you: A servant is not greater than his master.

If they persecuted me, they will persecute you too;

if they kept my word, they will keep yours as well.

But it will be on my account that they will do all this,

because they do not know the one who sent me.’

OR:

Gospel

John 17:11-19

Father, keep those you have given me true to your name

Jesus raised his eyes to heaven and said:

‘Holy Father,

keep those you have given me true to your name,

so that they may be one like us.

While I was with them,

I kept those you had given me true to your name.

I have watched over them

and not one is lost

except the one who chose to be lost,

and this was to fulfil the scriptures.

But now I am coming to you

and while still in the world I say these things

to share my joy with them to the full.

I passed your word on to them,

and the world hated them,

because they belong to the world

no more than I belong to the world.

I am not asking you to remove them from the world,

but to protect them from the evil one.

They do not belong to the world

any more than I belong to the world.

Consecrate them in the truth;

your word is truth.

As you sent me into the world,

I have sent them into the world,

and for their sake I consecrate myself

so that they too may be consecrated in truth.’

The Gospel of the Lord

R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

[tomboyjessie13-artblog]

Requested by @purplemermaidprincess7

Name: Lady Amethyst Sapphira Japanese: アメジスト サッピラ Romaji: Amejisuto Sappira

Social Status: Upper Class; Lady Ethnicity: British

Family: Earl Seolfor (Father; Deceased) Lady Rubina (Mother; Deceased) Earl Aureole (Brother; ?)

Family Occupation(s)/Profession(s): Sapphira Family Jewelers (fictional); The Largest Jewelry Producers in the World Sapphira Opera Hall (fictional); Famous Opera House and Theater

Family Nickname: The Queen's Lyrebird; able to gather information and perform acts that police cannot, then provide given information to the queen.

Age: 16

Preferred Hand: Left

Character Songs: Monster; Look What You Made Me Do; Carry Me (her singing performance); Disturbing Nursery Rhymes: [1], [2], [3], [4] (she likes to sing these to herself and comment on their morbid nature)

Appearance: Her amethyst-purple hair reaches her midsection, with her bangs cut short above her eye brows. She has very pale skin and almond round sapphire-blue eyes. Her demon contract pentagram is engraved just above her breast, right on top of her heart, so it is hidden by her clothing.

History: Amethyst was born exactly July 7th, 1887, at 7:07 am. Due to all of these circumstances, Amethyst was nicknamed the "Perfect Child". Her parents threw a huge celebration, though this left Aureole, her older brother, within her shadow.

Growing up, Amethyst was a child prodigy; on many occasions she proved to be smarter than her own parents in: cognitive processing, problem solving, and mental adaption. She spent most of her free time in the family library. But during her childhood, she made very few friends because she complained about how slow they were compared to her intellect. She hated going to balls and social gatherings. But her parents were still happy with her and cherished her.

She was physically abused by Aureole, mostly when he was angry or when she did something better than him.

But on her 10th birthday, she was at a dinner party with her parents. Her brother told her to give two glasses of wine to their parents, and reluctantly agreed to avoid his wrath. After her parents fainted and were later declared dead, Aureole blamed Amethyst for poisoning their parents. His lackeys backed him up, by claiming that they witnessed the girl putting something in the drinks that she gave them. Unable to convince anyone of her innocence, she was committed to the Bedlam Mental Institution for "schizophrenic behaviors and homicidal tendencies". And we all know what went on in those hell-houses before logic was invented.

For 3 years, Amethyst was beaten, physically chained to her bed, starved for days on end, and was raped repeatedly by the mentally ill patients and sadistic bastards that ran the hellhole.

Amethyst "escaped" the asylum by pretending to be "cured". She treated every faculty member, no matter how idiotic and/or cruel, with kindness. Eventually, the doctors declared that she was ready to be a perfect citizen and was allowed to return home. But Amethyst was only pretending to be the obedient and quiet woman that society expected of her, while plotting for revenge on her brother and the others that turned against her.

During her absence, Aureole was named successor to the family heritage and was foolishly using the family power and fortune to his own means. He didn't consider his sister to be a threat anymore, believing her to be broken, and continued to abuse her any time he wanted to. He also continued to waste money on alcohol and prostitutes.

In secret, Amethyst was doing research on demonology and was plotting to summon a demon to do her bidding. In the basement of her mansion, she summoned "Esmeralda" (along with Lapis and Lazuli, the twins demon servants) and made a pact to help Amethyst gain revenge on those who betrayed her. Aureole had somehow learned of his sister's contract with a demoness and fled the manor. During that night, every servant who was loyal to her brother was slaughtered; save for two: Gretel, who was Amethyst's nursemaid and proved her loyalty by providing the heiress with the intel of how to summon Esmeralda, and Garnet, the head butler who guarded the basement door during the ritual.

With Aureole's disappearance, Amethyst was named the Lady of the Manor and heir to the Sapphira Estate and fortune. Amethyst rebuilt her family's fortune, with the help of Esmeralda, and successfully runs the underworld's intel-center (gaining and providing information that the police cannot). She also began to learn forbidden magic from Esmeralda, learning spells to help her in her conquest.

Personality: Amethyst is a ruthless young woman, eventually consumed by her wrath and desire for vengeance against her brother and everyone else who betrayed her. Her quest for vengeance also made her extremely ambitious; likewise, the heiress's ruthlessness was tempered by her guile and she was willing to tolerate talented and, more importantly, useful individuals, even if she hated them. She also honored her deals with others when they were to her advantage.

She usually maintains her calm and low-key demeanor, often making her difficult to read for others. And because of the mental torture and abuse when in Bedlam, she appeared outwardly emotionless and seeming somewhat shy. She commonly had awkward pauses or imperfections in her speech as well, especially when speaking with strangers (however, this is just for show when around law enforcement). She also lacked any social awareness or courtesy in most social situations, sometimes oblivious to sarcasm.

She tends to have random breakdowns, a result of the abuse and trauma she suffered in Bedlam. These could be quite helpful at times, but she hates having them, especially when in social gatherings and public areas.

She always governed her thoughts and her family business with her intellect; and she never liked fairy-tales as a child, believing them to be "lies from a silver spoon". However, she was not stubborn about her preconceptions, readily accepting the existence of demons and magic after meeting "Esmeralda" and learning forbidden magic from her.

When she was younger, she believed she was her father's favorite child, and usually ignored proper conduct and social etiquette with family, though still taking a formal manner in meetings with strangers. She also has an interest in the unique and exotic, and even the supernatural, researching it endlessly as a child, despite her parents' protests and concerns. But because of her disdain for socializing, she hated sharing and didn't tolerate anyone tampering with her things, not even the maids, as she was very territorial about her room.

Whenever Amethyst heard her parents tell her "I love you", she always believed that it was faked. She noticed that so many people said this, and that they must say it because they are taught to say it. And if one were to say it for no reason whatsoever, it would mean it was null. She also saw how only the "beautiful people" would say it to each other.

When the opposite sex attempts to flirt with her, Amethyst finds it quite irritating that they believe that she would fall for idiots. And her interest in intercourse is limited only to wanting children of her own, but she would rather be married to a loyal man first. Though she had since lost her virginity at Bedlam, she had now been having intercourse in secret with her servant, Jasper, to keep him in-line. Though her levels of seduction are there if she needs them.

As proven by her history, Amethyst values loyalty above all else, and wouldn't hesitate to have any perceived traitors extinguished. Defiance was looked upon as a nuisance and, once considered useless to her, would have any suspected rebels purged from her "kingdom". She also took joy in "punishing" her offenders.

Amethyst also has a desire for power and dominance, as she often states that she wants to be feared. She enjoys demonstrating the power she has by imposing others under herself. However, she does seem to exhibit fear and hesitance when she knows she's outmatched, fleeing if her opponent proves to be as such.

She is observant by nature and keeps herself updated on current affairs and events. Due to her self-serving nature, Amethyst is not above spiting others she dislikes and enjoys getting back at her enemies when able; such as when she adopted a cat for her "mental wellbeing", only it was to spite Ciel for his cat allergies.

Likewise, she would never back down from a challenge, no matter the danger, if the cause was a worthy one, and refused to be swayed by the pessimistic opinions of adults or her peers.

When Amethyst uses the twins, after learning of their assassination skills, she intends for them to be just instruments in her plans for revenge. But she ultimately becomes attached to them. She begins to act like a mother to them, deciding that she feels a certain "affection" towards them, though unable to describe it.

As her personal servants, she trusts in them to manage her territory and protect the estate when she is off on her travels with Esmeralda.

Skills and Abilities: Having a keen intuition, Amethyst has a talent of telling individuals what they are hoping to hear and giving them appropriate advice. Additionally, her experience with "traitors" gives her a stronger intuition concerning the intentions and actions of others. Aside from being well educated and attractive as befitting her noble status, her creative nature showed a degree of craftiness at a young age, able to sneak out at night, alone and undetected, in order to descend to the manor's basement to perform the summoning ritual.

Because of her birthright, Amethyst also has many resources at her disposal, including her loyal servants, whom also act as her bodyguards. The heiress is also well-versed in politics and excels in the field of her position as a Lady. Because of this power and influence as the Queen's Lyrebird, she could warrant anyone's arrest under the pretense of investigating a crime and confiscate evidence as she saw fit. This power even extends to forging evidence.

Thanks to the forbidden knowledge and teachings from Esmeralda, within a month, Amethyst is able to predict the weather and propagate flowers and became skilled with a variety of plant and water spells. Esmeralda states that though most mortals cannot use even the most basic of magic spells, she is surprised that Lady Amethyst is able to do so.

Her intellect also stretches farther than the normal standard than her gender was expected to have during the Victorian era, though this gave her an advantage in seduction and interrogation.

Amethyst is also trained in swordsmanship and fencing. With her advanced intellect and tutelage, she can take advantage of an enemy's habits in combat to turn against them, as well as able to dodge and defend against even the quickest attacks.

As a member of a family that associates with theater and opera, Amethyst is a talented prodigy in singing, with a voice beautiful enough to soothe an irate crowd. Despite her youth, she is particularly skilled in opera and is able to project her voice over a wide audience. Her skills in acting allow her to utilize them outside the theater, as she appears calm, fragile, and weak-willed in public; she is, in truth, conniving and manipulative and knows how to act around specific people. Having been raised with an upper-class lifestyle, she has been taught to conduct herself with a certain elegance, even when exhausted.

[bubblellop]

26 for literally any of your characters, as many as you want just give me the goods

26: What is your favorite headcanon for your character?

My god ive already said so many of them im running out of the interesting ones, so pardon if i repeat myself lol. Anyway have a BUNCH of them. Have fun

Adalia:

Has set the forest on fire before, a lot of times actually, still does it.

First time she met Rhett and Olivers family, she just....decided to sit in the fireplace. Just, chill in the fire, in front of their family. A lot of explaining had to be done.

Never showered in her life.

Likes singing! Its a GREAT and healthy alternative to screaming and setting things on fire!

Canonly says fuck. This isnt a headcanon its just a fact-

Lilyana:

This one is already known, but Lily likes sleeping in the bath. She really likes the bathroom in fact, even tho for her it serves no purpose. Just a small water room, she loves it.

Once said fuck infront of Rhett, leaned next to him and said "Go on. No one will believe you."

Knows sign language.

Likes dissapearing every once in a while. As a treat. (This really stresses Adalia and Oliver tho Lily please :(((( dont do that, even if its for a couple hours) (also by disapearing i mean she just takes long walks unanounced like the rebel she is)

Oliver:

Stole a spoon once and felt really bad about it.

He plays the ukelele uwu

Has anxiety, things just stress him out alot sometimes, but he's gotten better at controlling it :)

As he knows Adalia and Lily's diet is...weird, he takes it as a challenge to make dishes they like AND is healthy for them!!! (If all fails tho, just give them hot sauce and ice cream am i right)

Him and Adalia have their own weird adventures sometimes!!! They come back home all scratched up and no one even questions it after a while. Their dinamic may not appear much but their both great together adfh

Rhett:

*swears in spanish* *swears in spanish* *swears in sp

The hoodie he wears is for comfort and emotional support :) even tho he will never admit to it but its okay hes a coward and a b-

Jams to old p!atd song along with Stef. Ah they both hate to admit they are scene kids at heart.....

Canonly punched Lilyana in the face. Man chapter 5 is wilding lol

Stephanie:

I like to think there are times she forgets to take off her glasses, hides it when shes with the others, and just be legally blind for an entire day.

"Sophie i cant read that" "oh well then you could just get your-" chokes Sophie with a pillow

When shes not with the twins, she spends time in a smoothie shop she likes :) the girl just tries to avoid going home huh

Is more of a bi mess if were being honest. She straight up looked at her two most bitter friends and went "hey how about i just try to flirt with them to see their reaction lol" but they both dont realize it/ignore it.

Has a shit ton of sketchbooks!!! If u dont know shes really into fashion and wants to persue that as a career :)

When shes bored with Sophie, she will try to annoy the hell outta her, shake her, hug her, play with her notes, moan and grunt, you name it.

This girl has so many talents such as piano, violin, ballet, art, singing, designing, writing and much more!!!

Ansskdks stef will paint rhetts nail black because emo rights skdkdksf

Sophie:

She and her older brother are really cool!!! They both just VIBE with eachother and id say they have the best sibling bond!!! I live for their foolery!!!

Very composed and serious, but when shes excited you WILL know, she acts like a child its adorableee.

Canonly the shortest, shes shapped like a friend and i wanna hug her okay-

She insisted on having a laboratory for her "research", so they just keep giving her the basement skddksc (both in the twins house and sophs home)

OH YOU DIDNT EXPECT T H E S E ONES HUH!

Liv:

She has a garden :) where may you ask? The entire forest is her garden if you think about it.

Liv is actually older than the twins. (I dont know why the idea seems cursed, shes too baby)

Literally has the best dinamics with everyone, shes just so nice and patient no one can hate her...

Skyle:

She hisses at humans, this is normal to the rest.

I like to think they all went and stole their clothes, and id say skyle just went to a costume shop and picked the coolest thing she saw (a pirate costume).

She sleeps in a tree branch

The strongest of the guardians, she likes training, she almost never has to fight anything tho, so she will go and find a bear or smth and just go feral ya know (there are no bears in that forest, sam probably summons a fake one so Skyle doesnt go mad)

Jamie:

Has read EVERY BOOK about bugs Samantha has.

Have i mentioned they loves bugs. They likes ladybugs the most.

"GUYSS IM ALMOST 10 I CAN HANDLE THIS" - them every time. Doing anything. The rest care alot about her okay.

If all the guardians (adalia, lily, liv, skyle, sam and themself if your wondering) were to be left alone, they would be most likely to survive, just sayin

Samantha:

Only lets Jamie in her library, the rest are allowed ONCE a week. Get out of her sight.

Goth

Very tall, pale and skinny, shes a vampire is2g-

May not show it but she doesnt like humans either, just finds them a bit gross. Doesnt say anything out of courtesy tho.

Doesnt like cutting her hair, she will SCREAM if you try to.

Aaaand im tired its 12 ive spent half an hour in this and im DEAD. God i hope at least 2 of them are interesting.

[ri-writing]

I want to start with “this is not my fault” but that would be a lie

I don’t have time to write this into a full fic because I need to be at the library encouraging kids to rebel by reading in less than two hours.  I’ll have to just leave y’all with the plot bunny idea...

~*~

The scene - some obscure back road with lots of places to lurk.  Crowley's superiors are meeting with him and going over their evil deeds for the day, recounting the souls they are capturing for hell.  It is Crowley's turn....

Crowley: I wrote a song

Hastur: A song?  How is that evil?

Crowley: It's an evil song

Hastur: an...evil song.  About Satan?

Crowley: No

Hastur: How does that win souls for hell?

Crowley: It's annoying.  People will hear it and it will make them so frustrated and angry, that they'll fall to evil.  Hundreds of souls.  No.  Thousands.

Hastur: A song can't do that.

Crowley: This is why they like me more than you.  Imagination.

Hastur: Okay.  Let's hear this evil song then.

Crowley: [clears throat] Ba-by Shark do do do do do do.....

Several hours later, Hastur is in hell and cannot stop singing "baby shark do do do do do do" and throws his head back to scream "Crowley."

~*~

Plot Bunny courtesy of the small children I met on my walk who were writing new verses to Baby Shark.  Y’all my heroes.   (And yes, I know I still owe you all the K-2SO verse and video; I just can’t figure out how to make it work on Tumblr).

[chcrrypcps]

(f) korean names; mix n match !

80+ KOREAN SYLLABLES to mix n match together to form names! 

-- common hanja meanings attached !  

**not all name meanings are listed & not all names have to mean something-- some people just like the sound of them! 

(male version here!)

애 (ae)

愛  love, like, to be fond of 

哀 sad, mournful, pitiful, pity 

涯  shore, bank, water's edge 

埃  fine dust, dirt

碍  obstruct, block, deter, hinder 

艾 artemisia, mugwort

아 (ah)

兒 son, child, oneself; final part

亞 second

我 our, us, my, we

牙 tooth, teeth; serrated

芽  bud, sprout

雅 elegant, graceful, refined

안 (ahn)

安 peaceful, tranquil, quiet

案 table, bench

眼 eye; hole

岸 bank, shore, beach coast 

顔 face, facial appearance

배   (bae) 

北 north, northern 

配 match, pair; equal

杯 cup, glass 

輩 generation, lifetime 

korean for pear

백 (baek)

白 pure, white, unblemished 

百 one hundred

 비  (bi/bee)

秘 secret, mysterious 

悲 sorrow, grief; sorry, sad

飛  fly, go quickly 

卑  humble, low, inferior 

肥 fat, plump; fertile 

丕 grand, glorious, distinguished

빈  (bin)

彬 cultivated; well-bred

분 (boon/bun)

芬 perfume. fragrance. aroma 

憤 resentment, hatred

보  (bo)

保 protect, defend, care for 

寶 treasure, jewel, precious, rare 

普 universal, widespread

補 mend, fix, repair, restore 

甫 begin, man, father, great

 輔 protect, assist

복 (bok)

福 happiness, good fortune, blessings 

卜 fortune, prophecy 

馥 fragrance, scent, aroma

별  (byul/byeol)

korean for star

차 (cha)

茶 tea 

差 different, wrong

채 (chae)

采 gather, collect; pick, pluck 

採 gather collect, pick select 

彩 hue, colors

초 (cho)

草 grass straw herbs  

哨 whistle, chirp

 焦 burned scorched; anxious vexes

천 (cheon/chun)

千 thousand 

天 sky, heaven; celestial, god 

川 stream, river 

泉 spring, fountain; wealth money 

淺 shallow, superficial 

賤 cheap, worthless

다 (dah/da)

多 much, many 

茶 tea

도 (do)

道 path, road 

島 island 

都 elegant refined 

徒 disciple, follower 

桃 peach; marriage 

悼 grieve, lament, mourn

어 (eo)

語 language. words, expressions 

漁 to seize; to pursue 

御 chariot

억 (eok)

億 many; hundred million 

憶 memory; to remember, reflect upon 

抑 to repress, curb, or hinder

언 (eon)

言 words, speech, speak 

彦 elegant

은 (eun) 

銀 silver, cash, money, wealth 

恩 kindness, mercy, charity 

隱 hidden, secret

殷 abundant, flourishing; many, great 

誾 respectful

가 (gah/ga)

歌 song, lyrics; sing chant; praise

價 price, value

佳 good, auspicious; beautiful; delightful

고 (goh/go)

古 old, classic, ancient 

苦 bitter; hardship, suffering 

固 strength; solid, strong 

孤 orphan; solitary 

故 ancient, old 

枯 withered, decayed

국 (guk/gook/kuk/kook)

國 nation, country 

菊 chrysanthemum

규 (gyu/kyu)

叫 cry, shout; hail, greet, call

하 (ha)

夏 summer 

河 river, stream 

荷 lotus, water lily

해 (hae )

海 sea, ocean

 害 harm, destroy, kill

희 (hee/hui)

喜 joy, love 

希 rare; hope, expectations 

稀 rare, unusual 

姬 beauty 

熹 warm bright; glimmer 

禧 happiness

화 (hwa)

火 fire flame; burn; anger, rage 

花 flower, blossoms

 和 harmony, peace; peaceful, calm

 嬅 beautiful 

禍 misfortune, calamity, disaster

혜 (hye)

慧 bright, intelligent

현 (hyun/hyeon)

賢 virtuous, worthy, good 

炫 shine glitter; show off, flaunt 

玄 deep, profound

효 (hyo)

曉 dawn, daybreak; clear

孝 mourning; obedience

일 (il/eel)

一 one; alone, singular 

日 sun, day, daytime

인 (in)

麟 female chinese unicorn 

人 people, mankind, man, population 

仁 humane; benevolence, kindness 

認 to recognize, know, understand 

寅 respect, reverence 

忍 endure, bear, suffer

재 (jae)

才 talent, ability 

災 calamity, disaster, catastrophe 

財 wealth, riches 

宰 to slaughter; to rule 

栽 to cultivate; to care for plants

자 (jah/ja)

子 child, offspring; fruit, seed 

資 property; wealth 

慈 kind, charitable, benevolent 

紫 purple, violet; amethyst 

磁 porcelain

지 (ji/jee)

地 earth, ground, soil 

紙 paper 

志 determination, will 

智 wisdom, knowledge, intelligence 

池 pool, pond

진 (jin)

珍 precious, valuable; rare 

眞 genuine, real, true

주 (ju/joo)

晝 daytime, daylight 

朱 cinnabar, vermilion

酒 wine, spirits, liquor 

宙 time as a concept 

洲 island 

珠 precious stone, gem, jewel, pearl

정 (jung/jeong)

正 right, proper, correct

情 emotion, feeling, sentiment 

程 journey, trip 

精 essence, spirit 

征 invade, attack, conquer 

靜 gentle, quiet, still 

淨 pure, clean, unspoiled 

貞 loyal; virtuous pure 

晶 crystal; clear, bright, radiant 

汀 beach, bank, shore 

禎 good omen, lucky

경 (kyung/kyeong/gyung/gyeong)

敬 respect, honor

輕 light, gentle 

警 guard, watch 

鏡 mirror, glass 

卿 noble 

炅 brilliance 

瓊 jade; rare, precious; elegant

미 (mi)

美 beautiful, pretty; pleasing 

微 small, tiny 

迷 bewitch, charm

민 (min)

閔 mourn, grieve 

憫 pity, sympathy 

敏 clever, smart 

旻 heaven

玟 gem

문 (moon/mun)

門/ gate, entrance 

文 literature, writing; culture

명 (myung/myeong)

命 life; destiny, fate, luck 

明 light, bright, brilliant 

冥 dark, gloomy; night

나 (nah/na)

奈 bear, endure

내 (nae)

耐 patient; endure, bear

남 (nam)

南 south

오 (oh)

五 five 

午 noon 

惡 evil, wicked, bad, foul 

傲 proud, haughty; overbearing 

嗚 sound of crying, sobbing; sound of sadness 

娛 pleasure, enjoyment, amusement 

汚 filthy, dirty, impure 

烏 crow, raven; black, dark

옥 (ok)

鈺 rare; treasure 

玉 jade; precious stone, gem

沃 rich, fertile

라 (rah/ra la/lah)

裸 bare, nude

란 (ran)

蘭 orchid; elegant, graceful 

亂 create chaos; revolt

리 (ri/li/lee/ree)

李 plum 

梨 pear

림 (rim)

林 forest, grove

린 (rin)

麟 female chinese unicorn

사 (sa)

四 four 

使 messenger 

死 die; death; dead 

士 scholar 

思 think, consider, ponder 

師 teacher, master 

私 secret, private, personal 

絲 silk, fine thread 

:沙 sand, pebbles 

蛇 snake 

詐 trick, cheat, swindle, feign 

邪 wrong, evil, vicious 

唆 mischievous

상 (sang)

上 top, superior, highest 

賞 reward, prize 

傷 wound, injury 

常 common, normal, frequent 

象 ivory; elephant 

喪 mourn 

祥 happiness; good luck, good omen 

裳 beautiful 

霜 frost; crystallized

서 (seo)

西 west

庶 numerous various 

徐 composed, dignified; quiet, calm 

恕 forgiveness; mercy 

誓 swear, pledge, promise, oath

설 (seol)

雪 snow; avenge

선 (seon/sun)

瑄 ornamental jade 

仙 transcendent, immortal 

善 good, virtuous, charitable, kind 

鮮 fresh, new; rare 

璿 fine jade 

璇 star; beautiful jade

 성 (seong)

晟 clear bright; splendor 

城 castle; city, town 

誠 sincere, honest; true, real 

聲 sound, voice, music

聖 holy, sacred 

盛 abundant, flourishing 

星 a star, planet

승 (seung)

勝 victory 

承 succeed 

乘 rise, ascend 

昇 peace; rise, ascent

신 (shin)

辰 early morning 

信 trust, believe 

新 new, fresh, modern 

神 spirit; god, supernatural being 

晨 early morning, daybreak 

辛 bitter

시 (si/shi)

矢 vow, swear, promise 

時 time season; age, period, era 

施 grant, bestow, give 

詩 poetry 

屍 corpse

소 (so)

消 vanish, die out, melt away 

笑 smile, laugh 

素 white silk 

昭 bright, luminous 

蘇 revive, resurrect

슥 (sook/suk)

宿 constellation 

淑 good, pure, virtuous, charming

순 (soon/sun)

純 pure clean simple 

循 obey, comply, follow 

殉 to be a martyr, to die for a cause

脣 lips

淳 honest, simple

수 (su/soo)

樹 plant, tree 

守 defend, protect, guard 

收 gather collect; harvest 

秀 refined, elegant, graceful 

壽 old age, long life 

殊 different, special, unusual

와 (wah/wa)

瓦 pottery

왕 (wang)

王 king, ruler, royalty

旺 prosperous; prosperity

위 (wee/wi)

位 throne, rank, status 

偉 great, robust, extraordinary 

危 dangerous 

威 power; powerful; dominate 

慰 calm, comfort, console 

衛 guard, protect, defend 

違 disobey, defy, rebel; be different than 

尉 officer, military rank

원 (won)

源 spring 

園 garden, park, orchard 

原 beginning, source, origin 

願 to wish, ambition, desire, want 

怨 hatred, enemy, resentment

 苑 park, garden 

瑗 a ring of fine jade 

媛 beauty; a beautiful woman

우 (woo/wu)

友 friend, companion

牛 cow, ox, bull 

雨 rain; rainy 

優 superior; excellent 

宇 house, building, structure 

愚 stupid, foolish 

憂 sad, grievance; grief, melancholy 

羽 feather, plume; wings 

佑 to help, bless, protect 

祐 protection; divine intervention

욱 (wook/ook)

頊 grief, anxiety 

旭 brilliance, radiant 

昱 dazzling, bright light, sunlight 

煜 bright, shining, brilliant 

郁 sweet smelling; rich in aroma

운 (woon/wun)

運 luck, fortune 

雲 clouds 

云 clouds 

芸 art, talent ability; rue (herb)

야 (yah/ya)

夜 night, dark 

野 open country, wilderness, field 

惹 irritate, offend

예 (yeh)

禮 manners, courtesy, customs, rights 

藝 art, talent, ability 

豫 comfortable, relaxed, at ease 

譽 fame, praise 

銳 sharp, keen, pointed, acute 

隷 servant 

睿 shrewd; clever, keen

芮 tiny, small 

醴 sweet wine; sweet spring

여 (yeo)

女 woman, girl; feminine 

旅 journey, travel; traveler 

與 to give or to grant 

餘 surplus, extra, excess, remainder 

麗 beautiful, magnificent, elegant 

勵 to strive, encourage 

廬 hut, cottage 

驪 a pure black horse, stallion

열 (yeol)

烈 fiery, violent, ardent 

劣 bad, inferior

연 (yeon)

然 promise, pledge

燃 burn; ignite 

緣 karma, fate

戀 love, long for, yearn for 

燕 swallow (bird) ; comfort, enjoy 

蓮 lotus, water lily; paradise 

漣 flowing water; ripples

영 (yeong/young)

永 perpetual, eternal, forever 

英 petal, flower, leaf; brave, hero; england, english 

令 commandant, magistrate

領 neck, collar; leader, guide 

映 to reflect light 

榮 glory, honor; to flourish or prosper 

寧 serenity, peace; peaceful 

嶺 mountain ridge, mountain peak 

影 shadow, reflection; photograph 

泳 to dive, swim 

詠 sing, hum, chant 

零 zero; fragment, fraction, sliver 

靈 spirit, soul 

瑛 crystal, gem 

盈 full, overflowing

이 (yi/ie)

二 two; twice 

利 gains, profit 

李 plum 

易 change 

異 different, unusual, strange 

梨 pear; opera 

泥 earth, mud, clay 

怡 harmony, joy, pleasure; to be glad

유 (yoo/yu)

柳 willow tree; pleasure 

遊 wander, roam, travel 

柔 soft, gentle 

維 maintain, preserve 

裕 rich, abundant, plentiful 

劉 to kill, destroy

육 (yook/yuk)

六 six

율 (yool/yul)

栗 chestnuts, chestnut tree

윤 (yoon/yun)

潤 soft, moist; sleek, fresh 

尹 govern, oversee, direct 

胤 heir, successor

[randomvarious]

Johnny Burnette - “Train Kept A-Rollin’” Between the Rails: America’s Train Songs Song released in 1956. Compilation released in 1996. Rock and Roll / Rockabilly

Every generation of music appears to have had its trailblazing rebels. Someone seems to always muster up enough courage to reject convention and sonically give a middle finger to the status quo, daring people to call what they’ve created music. The most glaring example of this concept is probably derived from punk rock, but there were plenty of music rebels long before that. Rock and roll had been established between the late 40s and early 50s, but there was perhaps no one more raucous than Johnny Burnette and his Rock ‘n’ Roll Trio when they first burst on to the Memphis scene in 1956.

Johnny Burnette was an incredible Memphis rocker whose life was cut short at the young age of 31 because of a tragic boating accident. Unable to cut it as a professional boxer, Burnette quickly turned toward music, along with his brother Dorsey and guitarist Paul Burlison. Deeply inspired by the rowdy sounds being put forth by local phenom Elvis Presley, they set out to make similar music to his. In ‘56 they released three singles, none of which achieved any national success due to poor promotion. In a 1996 article in Nashville Scene, Daniel Cooper explains that Capitol wanted to sign the trio, but they wound up going with Coral Records instead. As a result, Capitol signed Gene Vincent, who became a 50s rock and roll superstar. To think what could have been for the Rock ‘n’ Roll Trio had they signed to the right label.

However, one of those failed Coral singles would manage to become a definitive piece of rock and roll history. “Train Kept A-Rollin’,” a cover of a jump blues tune originally released in 1951 by Tiny Bradshaw, features an incredible level of unrestrained energy from Johnny Burnette on vocals, along with what’s believed to be the first ever use of guitar distortion in rock music, courtesy of Paul Burlison.

On an energetic level, this definitely compares to Elvis, but at least the King had that signature, bellowing velveteen voice. What Burnette lacks in vocal talent, he makes up for in rambunctiousness, seemingly set on trying to piss off every last music purist lying in his wake. He sings slightly off-beat in certain instances because he can. He screams because he feels like it. No one’s going to stop him. His approach to singing definitely led to new types of rock and roll where pure, raw, powerful energy held way more value than technical skill. A watershed moment, to say the least.

And then there’s Burlison’s guitar. Rock music had never witnessed before the fuzz that Burlison had generated on “Train Kept A-Rollin’”. And according to Burlison, it all came from a mistake. That same Nashville Scene article goes into detail about how that fuzziness materialzied and how some of the world’s most famous rockers were totally gobsmacked by it:

Before a live date in Philadelphia, Burlison had dropped his amplifier and, unbeknownst to him, partially disengaged one of the tubes. As a result, throughout the entire show his guitar had emitted a thick, fuzz-like tone. “We did the whole show with it that way,” he says. “Every song we played. Because I didn’t know what it was.” But Burlison liked the sound and soon learned how to loosen the tube just enough to replicate it. At the studio in July, he suggested trying it out on a couple of tracks. Far from objecting to what essentially amounted to using faulty equipment, [producer Owen] Bradley went along with the guitarist.

By itself, the Trio’s locomotive-speed rendition of “The Train Kept A Rollin’,” fueled by Johnny Burnette’s out-of-breath screeching vocals, would have ranked as a rockabilly classic for the ages. But with Burlison playing a deceptively simple series of bass-string octaves through his fuzzed-out amp, the record proved an instant sensation within the industry itself.

“People started calling me right after the song came out. Boy! Engineers would call and ask me, `What are you doing on that song?’ Every motel, every hotel we stayed at, somebody would call and wanna know what we were doing on it,” Burlison says.

…Burlison’s tone never stopped confounding some of the best guitarists in the business. In one episode reported to him by Memphis musician-producer Jim Dickinson, Dickinson was in England with the Rolling Stones when they all wound up in the same hotel with Eric Clapton. As Dickinson told Burlison, Clapton was playing the Trio’s “The Train Kept A Rollin’ ” on a portable record player, trying to learn it. Frustrated, says Burlison, Clapton finally “got up, and he took the guitar up, and threw it down on the bed…and he said, `What in the hell’s he doing?‘ 

“Another time, in the 1980s, Burlison was working with the Sun Rhythm Section at a show in Pennsylvania. Los Lobos was in town that night, and after Burlison came offstage the Los Angeles rockers were waiting for him in back. As Burlison recalls, Los Lobos’ Cesar Rosas thrust a guitar at him “and said, `Show me.’ I said, `What?’ He said, `How you did “Train Kept A Rollin’.”

But Burlison’s version of events has been questioned. Vince Gordon and Peter Dijkema argue in their 2011 book, Rockabilly: The Twang Heard ‘Round the World: The Illustrated History, that Burlison’s description doesn’t make sense in relation to how the track sounds. Certain strings sound a lot cleaner than others, and if there really was a tube malfunction, then each string would have a similar amount of distortion. Gordon and Dijkema further contend that Burlison wasn’t even playing guitar at all and that the guitar work on “Train Kept A-Rollin’” actually tracks with that of session guitarist Grady Martin. Whatever the case may be, the use of guitar distortion on this song is easily one of the most important moments in the history of modern music. It made people reconsider the limits of what a guitar was capable of.

In 1956, the combination of Johnny Burnette’s passionate disregard of vocal formalities and Paul Burlison’s (or maybe Grady Martin’s) brand new, earth-shattering guitar fuzz constituted an unbelievable set of musical breakthroughs. Over 60 years later, the reverberations generated by “Train Kept A-Rollin’” are still felt to this day. It’s just a total shame that the song failed to chart nationally. Had Burnette and his trio signed with Capitol instead of Coral, they may have achieved a much higher level of success. Instead, they disbanded around 1957.

Brunette would go on to write songs with his brother Dorsey for teen heartthrob Ricky Nelson and would later chart a bunch of times as a solo act, but none of those contributions pale in comparison to the magic he and his trio generated with “Trian Kept A-Rollin’”.

[queerwelsh]

“Memory” by E. Prosser Rhys

E. Prosser Rhys won the Crown in the National Eisteddfod of Wales, Pontypool, in 1924, with “Atgof.” “Memory” is a translation by Hywel Davies.

MEMORY

THE STORY OF A SENSIBLE LAD

“The imagination of a boy is healthy, and the mature imagination of a man is healthy; but there is a space of life between, in which the soul is in a ferment, the character undecided, the way of life uncertain, the ambition thick-sighted … …” John Keats. In his second introduction to “Endymion.”

When hot with youth I fled down weary ways The suing voice and its insistencies; I would not listen to its warning lays Of hell encoiled within the heart of bliss. A coward thing, I said, were I to dim My ardent ways and take secure root, When I would yield myself to every whim, And taste delight of the forbidden fruit. But the pursuer followed after still, Nor ever did his divination fail; He witnessed all my torturings of will, He followed and he followed on my trail, Like some God given envoy during strife To ward me from the knowledge that is life.                 *               *               *                The smell of burning peats! Swift as light, It strides along the highways of my brain, Till I am filled with memories of delight, My own white house and the hedged fields again. Once more the little rooms, the glint of sun On ancient chairs, familiar ways and ease, And they who gave me life, the day being done, Dwelling in love’s divine consolaries. And I remember storms that whipped the door, Whilst I all swinkéd lay before the fire, Till beckoning sleep would show her magic store, And mother’s song waft me to my desire. And I would sleep, my weariness unfurled, Between the two most happy in the world.

Most happy in the world! . . . I lived to see Beyond the unruffled days of laughing youth, Their amorous contentment piteously Entangled, snared, grow pale and die in ruth. For here, and I growing, I saw one Who wept and raged in bitter unavail, And he, the father of her child, undone By whispers that were flame about the vale. The mother’s heart--though heavy be the road That winds between the Church bells and the grave,– It not oppressed by a more heavy load, Than dead desire and beauty that she gave To him whose blood is still unspent and lewd, Bound to her only by cold habitude.

Cold custom! Was it not a fault, allow, To moss her ever in her tiny bower, With passion’s tide so fickle in its flow, And fallacy our universal dower? Is it not vain the vowing unto God, And we blindfolded of our own desire, Rebelling vainly till death’s wink and nod, Rebelling vainly in our children’s fire? And I believed, there in the smell of peat, That love was but the lusting of the flesh, A swift, mysterious gladness it was meet That youth should lie with ere it slipped the mesh,– A wild, shy thing of the woods, no willing thrall To run this way or that at beck and call.

Our love at back and call! Did ever love, of yore, Concern itself with aught but its own needs? So tell me why should men strive evermore To bind her running feet with their small creeds? For her of old was courtesy a cloak; Her bright eyes shone above the tournament; T’was in her name the poets and sages spoke, And for her sake the plans of Kings were shent. Though stronger than the buttressed mountains are, More fickle is she than the playing breeze; Who holds her prisoned now shall find afar His truant fancy sailing the high seas. Stale custom shall not rust my spirit’s knife: To tread the caprice of Love’s dance in life.

To live! What then of him, the priest who saith That love o’ercometh passion and its evil? What of my home that was the home of death? Shall God created bliss be blamed the Devil? I shall take love even as it is, I said, With eyes afire and feet aflame to snare All women to the silver net I spread, And drown my senses in their tresséd hair. Great rock recesses shadowed from the sun Shall be the pantheon of my desire; Let all the birds sing out their praise as one, And all the winds touch now upon the lyre; May the white moon turn to Orion and the Wain, And laugh at twinéd love and its sweet pain.                *               *               * So ran my vow. And eager in pursuit The suing voice came riding down the wind: Think well before you taste forbidden fruit, And to thyself irrevocably sinned. Was it not wedlock that awoke from sleep, Suckled and fed and housed the infant mind? Released from its travailings in the deep Great Nature’s measures to preserve our kind? The pangs of birth are no vain chance of pleasure, The mother’s pain hath its appointed place, For this is Life’s glad offering of treasure Upon Love’s altar to redeem the race. Beware. The altar is too consecrate For love unruled and lust insatiate.                *               *               * The smell of earth! When Spring comes through the rain Out into shining days of clear delight, With deathless memories rustling in her train Of Love’s adventurings, and that dread flight, From out the shadow of fear and of reason, To where Love lies in glowing mightiness. And drinking deep of my own father’s treason I shamed away the whispers of distress. . . . The smell of earth! The smell of that clean sod Where I would soothe my weariness to rest; And now the thorn where was the rose. Dear God, That I should so have stained the white, the blest, Unversed in this: whatso the day has bred, Dreams in my bones, lives in my flesh, till dead.

But my desire was for the subtle wine Distilled in woman’s soul by gift of Jove. I live again the night I walked with mine To prove the perils of adulterous love. Loud were the shouts of labourers at the ploughs; Even and red lay the long furrow rills; Life was a song among the green leaved boughs; Life was a dance about the eternal hills. And joy was one with everything I saw, Joy to my ear all the sounds I head, And happy I--joy without end or flaw, And Life within my grasp, a fluttering bird, Her bright plumed wonder, as it were, tip-toe Upon expectancy, lest I should go.

Lest I should go! The vengeful night had chased Day from the hills; close to a lake we lay; We moved together and we there embraced; She hung her head abashed, but with my play Her sloe back eyes were filled with tender tears; I kissed her with my eager, full ringed mouth, Caressed her gently till she knew no fears, And she was passionate as the sun warmed South. And in upon our tranced selves there came The tide of our desire . . .  and we swoon . . . Is there another sweetness like to flame That turns to bitter memories so soon? We go our way. No word of love is said, And loathéd pleasure in my heart lies dead.

Mair, if we were nine and bound in love, Instead of twice that sum of sorrowing years, We would not know these wild desires that move Our tempest souls to ecstasy and to tears. We’d play at keeping house for our delight, Or row prodigious Queens across the ferries; We’d deck ourselves with flowers blue and white, And dine like faery folk upon the berries. If we could have our wish and live again The babbling days of happy innocence, Divest ourselves of knowledge and pain, And walk once more in our magnificence, Treading illusion’s way, our brains untaught In this poor truth of which the world is wrought!

In there be harmony in life, I said, It is to yield to passion’s every gust, But I its pilgrim now am surfeited, I forswear woman, turn away from lust. Woe unto man, great God’s unclean endowing Of wily woman’s soft, persuasive ways; To my intemperate and accursed avowing I sing a glad farwell for all my days. Frustrate is all desire, though we have clothed Its meagre loins with garments fir for Kings. To friendship do I vow myself betrothed, For comradeship is clean. Upon its wings Will I surmount desire. This is our tryst: Friend, I will go with thee wheree’er thou list.

So ran my vow, and eager in pursuit The suing voice came riding down the wind: Think well before you spurn the Master’s fruit, And to thyself irrevocably sinned. The comradeship of men shines out like gold Through all the chronicles of the star crossed earth; I give thee leave to travel with the bold, To grasp their steady hands and prove thy worth. But give not all thy faith to friendship’s rule From surfeiting of woman and desire; Thy glowing body shall not thus grow cool,– Two of one sex may know a hidden fire That may of comradeship make such a rue Shall thy far fleeing steps all time pursue.                *               *               * On Summer eves, the smell of new mown hay Borne faintly on a breath of dying wind, Brings back to me the many twisting way Of our companioning. There comes to mind The busy questing, and my winnowed choice Of friendship that would bless my eyes with truth, And grant respite from that incessant Voice, Nor leave my heart a temple unto ruth: And as I came upon the charméd stream Of Menai silvering from sea to sea, I met my mind’s own image, he, the dream, And greeted him my comrade happily, Sweet from the swathes of new mown hay these rose Incense to bind our lovely friendship close.

Oh golden haired and generous of heart, There is no secret hid away from thee, Of close communings from the world apart, Of dreaming towers raised against the sea. We said the world was evil to the core; We would have earth an earthly paradise,– Reshape its way to beauty evermore, So men might walk the world more kindly-wise. We vowed to trample nature to the dust, Make flesh a casket only for the mind; Though youth is swift to snare his feet with lust, To love’s enchantments were we now not blind? For we could hear, faintly from afar, Some singer singing of a fairer star.

A fairer star! The musing night was deep Between the high-pent hedgerows of the lane; The world lay quiet in a windless sleep; The scent of hay rose freshly after rain. Our hearts were of a sudden filled with ease, In some high Wisdom awfully arrayed . . . From a grey convent shadowed in the trees There rose a chant of praise to Mary Maid. We stopped. And there made chaste our hearts from greed, Anger and lust and strife, till strong within The holy words of that Latinian creed Singing of cloistered continence from sin, We chased down secret arches of the brain The world’s enchanteries and the world’s great pain.

The secret arches of the brain! . . . We kept No vigil on our thoughts, walled in from wrong That grave, fantastic night. And as we slept Our ears were tolling with the holy song, We slept, half drowsily aware, unwilling, Yet glad that each was in the other’s arm. And so desire . . . the flame of our fulfilling And sudden lapse of love’s ecstatic charms . . . And then awake, remembering what had been My brain became a pool of burning wroth: My comradeship and love, alike unclean, For all our sacring and our plighted troth. Wilt thou not leave me now alone, Desire, For I am sick to death of Life entire.

Life, in laughter and in loveliness! But Flesh is like a shadow over all; My richest dreams are dust and emptiness, And striving Soul is bound a slave in thrall. What art thou, Flesh, that shivers to the cold, Melts to the noonday heat, yields blood to steel, That walks, and sleeps, is lorded o’er by gold, That sees, and hears, is swift to know and feel? What art thou, Flesh? Thou art the unsought crown, That fickle chance of bodies trapped in lust; And that same lust, waking or lying down, Is pent again in thy sharp blood. Oh dust! And why, in this poor pot of earthenware Should’st Thou have poured a wine beyond compare?                *               *               * Another way I chose from out the mire, And still the swing voice came down the wind: Think well before you banish all desire, And to thyself irrevocably sinned. I bade the keep within the holy way Of Nature’s law, nor spurn her great design; I bade the not, in Friendship’s hour, bewray Thy hidden passion, no, nor drink that wine. Unheeding, thou hast sinned and surfeited On woman’s love, the comradeship of men; And now, oh fool, in thy fool’s heart hast said That death is in the touch of lips. What then? A love afar, unhoped for … Oh vain word! For life is soul and sense in sweet accord.

The smell of sea-weed! When the noonday sun Is bright upon the levels of the deep, To watch the children windblown to a run Of shrill delight across the sands . . . and weep! The smell of sea-weed! Festal life debates In the swift strains of music from the band, And maidens robed in white, sure Love’s oblates, Laughing at sunset in a green leaved land. The smell of sea-weed! . . . Wandering amazed, My senses dead from my adventurings, One from the throng of white clad maidens gazed With calm and level eyes… My pain took wings Before her slow smile dawning unafraid, I vowed swift hearted I should love the maid.

Her will I love, I said. Though carnal Lust And Love’s sweet self are in one body meshed, There is from God divinity will thrust The twain apart; beyond desire, unfleshed, Our ways shall move to splendour. Love has ended The mind’s submission to its yoked zest. . . . We held no converse, went out way unfriended; Looked not for kisses, knew nor lip nor breast. Walking the sea’s wide marge along the bight, Our glances met,–revealed our deep set bliss A cold, still flame of radiance burning white In eyes were swift to read and swift to kiss. Before our silent love there was unfurled Rich gifts that mute the poets of the world.

Mute is the tongue, for how should tongue make known The eternal saturnalia of the house? Where by the roadside many seeds were sown One spears the sod, makes glad the way with flowers. Her soul had windows where from deeps of blue A child’s white thoughts came peeping in and out; Her walk, her dress, her ways alike were true,– A vestal maiden armouréd about. And grudging Life, who had denied a crumb, With glowing hands poured treasure at the last Bound the wise world’s knowing … I stood dumb, Spell bound in awe, divinely chained, held fast, Wise fools awhile scraping that ancient lay That two and two is foolish children’s play.

Oh that smell of sea-weed holds in trave The hour we stained love risen from the sea. Perchance the bathers tumbled by a wave Troubled the secret waters heaped in me. There came a dream upon the wings of night, And I had pleasure of the mute, sad maid. . . Dawn in the East had set the world alight When I awoke . . . remembered the betrayed. . . God knows how agonised in bitter pain I wrought upon the death of my design; I walked the sun lit sands from hell’s lifted Sign, Away beyond the hills, for I had read Guilt in her eyes of what the night had bred.                *               *               * Deep in a wood I lay, and by me sate Pain for a friend. I cried: How vain Is all my girded armour against fate; Sure Lust has found a flaw, and Love lies slain. Wilt Thou from whom I fled by night and day Speak unto me, for I am stripped of fear? Strange Guide and my sure Prophet, say Where wisdom lies; speak, and I shall hear . . .   My head is cradled on a tuft of grass. . . The trees are shadowed from the burning sky. . . Heart of the world that beats, and beats. . . Pass, Little bird, fly on, away. . . A great wind’s sigh… The leaves are listening, tense … no breath, no sound . . . The Voice’s accents sweet, above, around.

You too have bowed your lusty head at last, Though long eluding down the evasive ways; There is no heart so secret, feet so fast, Can find a chamber privy from my gaze. A puny thing is Man! You named me here Your kindly Prophet and your own strange Guide. The suing voice that tracked you through the dread Vain trespassings, Thyself, and none beside! As though the life that teems about the fields– The ribbed oak or failest blade of green, Were to renounce the sap the good root yields Drawn from the earth that bore it, shaped it clean, And so renouncing, fail of leaves and flowers To pine in helplessness through death’s slow hours.

Lush from the roots that probe ancestral earth I am the sap that moves along your veins; Deep in the secret dark you hid my worth– Unblest of me, frustrate, thou hast known pains. I am nor good no evil,–but the taste Of earth, thy earth, is sharp upon my mouth. Perchance an unwise word may slip in haste; Perchance I make my law some out worn truth: But wise or foolish, thou thyself demeaning Both Soul and Body to my unseen end, In me thy Life shall find a richer meaning, A shriller laughter, agonises that rend, And peace in serving, chastened of His rod, Inerrably the purposes of God.

You yielded, yes, but not before long erring, And never sin was sinned but drew its wage. No shelter is there in the world’s wayfaring From retribution on the scoréd page. You will not know the smell of burning peat But memory shall come and clasp you hand; Nor joy of earth, but Spring with shining feet Shall lead you to the lake, and wave her wand. You will not know the scent of fresh cut hay, But Comradeship will come and sit with you; Nor smell the sea-weed drifting, but you pay Your desecrating love with bitter rue.                               * So must the price of sin be pain with hell, Till Memory’s sting is dulled, and all is well.

[itisiidiocy]

The Sweet Case of Keller

"Your last name is Keller, right?"

"Yeah how did you know that?"

Fangs was yawning as he walked down the Southside High's hallways, tired after the previous night's late night show at the Twilight when he saw his hazel eyed friend leaning against the lockers.

"Yo! DeSantos!" Fangs called out only to be met with silence.

"DeSANTOS!" He tried again.

Shaking his head he walked towards his greasy haired friend who was smiling stupidly at his phone.

"Joaquin!" Fangs shook the other serpent by his shoulders to bring him back to earth.

"Oh hey Fangs!" Joaquin said startled. "Sorry I was just...." He looked down at the phone in his hands and Fangs swore that he saw him blush a little.

"What got you all smiley this morning, huh?" Fangs teased.

"Oh no nothing...erm just came across this cool meme--"

"Oh come on Joaquin, it's no secret that you hate memes. You are that one fucktard of our group who doesn't know how to respect memes so stop lying" Fangs accused.

"Am not! Since you guys keep babbling about how good memes are, I thought I might give it a try" Joaquin countered as he awkwardly shrugged and scratched the back of his neck.

Fangs narrowed his eyes skeptically and then exclaimed excitedly.

"Ohmygod, there's a boy!"

"What? no!" Joaquin quickly denied

"Oh yes, you always scratch the back of your neck when you're lying. TELL ME MORE!"

"No I don't and there is no boy. Back off Fogarty" Joaquin snapped

"There is." Fangs continued, unfazed.

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"YES"

"ye-NO"

"Ha!" Fangs high-fived himself. "I knew it. I knew you were hooking up last night when you went to get popcorn and returned like 2 light-years later."

"Our greasy boy is finally getting laid" Fangs gushed.

Joaquin just shook his head at his overly proud friend and made his way away from him and walked towards his next class. Fangs ran to catch up with him while continuously nagging about the Joaquin's new 'love interest'.

"Don't you have a class to attend?" Joaquin asked frustrated.

"Aww, look at this love sick boy" Fangs said into the air. "so lost in thoughts that he even forgot that we have chemistry together" Fangs teased again deliberately pressing on the word 'chemistry'.

Joaquin just rolled his eyes and proceeded inside the apparent chemistry lab.

The corners of the lab were tainted black due to the numerous chemical explosions that took place there courtesy of Sweet Pea. At the back, the Ghoulies were hurdled up, smoking pot--in the chemistry lab of all places-- and laughing loudly.

Joaquin and Fangs looked at each other and sighed. They were surprised that the Ghoulies were actually going to attend a class after all.

"Hello students" Mr. Saltzman's voice rung through the lab making the students hurry into their respective stalls. Joaquin went and sat at his usual secluded corner while Fangs went to sit beside a Ghoulie-glaring Sweet Pea.

"I see the royalties decided to join us today" Mr Saltzman commented upon seeing the Ghoulies.

"What can we do Mr Saltzman? Our love for you is endless" Bucky-one of the Ghoulies-spoke up. "Besides, You are the only teacher who still lets us in their class."

"And then you ask why I question my life choices" Mr Saltzman muttered to himself.

"Anyways, since you are so enthusiastic about giving education a chance, why don't you start on with the class today? Read us on from where we left off on Friday?" He asked Bucky "oh wait, you were probably stoned on Friday, and on Thursday and Wednesday and literally every other day of your existence, much like your education."

At that, Bucky's smile vanished and his expression replaced with an angry and somewhat embarrased one.

Mr Saltzman deadpanned at the group, already used to their antics and turned to the rest of the chucking class.

"Mr DeSantos, why don't you do the honors today?" He asked before he turned towards the board and writing down the heading.

"Mr DeSantos?" He asked again upon not receiving a response from the serpent.

Fangs looked up from doodling in his book to see Joaquin dreamily stare at his closed book with a small smile on his face. Fangs smirked knowing what was up.

"Joaquin!" Mr Saltzman exclaimed just like Fangs did not too long ago.

Joaquin jumped up slightly from his chair, startled by the shrill sound of his name being called out by his teacher.

"Uh y-yes ma-...sir?" He questioned, lost to the happenings in his surroundings.

"What's in the Dreamland for us today? Disney princess or lesbian porn?" Mr Saltzman sassed causing the classroom to erupt in chuckles for the second time that day.

"Spare him today Mr Saltzman" Fangs smirked from his seat in the middle back. "Someone's got his brain a little too pre-occupied today"

The class once again erupted into a series of 'ohh' and teasing whistles as Joaquin sunk further into his chair.

"Quiet!" Mr Saltzman shouted, frustrated. "Now, Mr DeSantos, if we are finally back on Earth again, could you summarise what we did before the weekend?"

"Sure eh sir" Joaquin answered awkwardly before picking up his book.

He narrated the synopsis of how carbon particles form a covalent bond instead of an ionic one due to their incapability of losing or gaining ions.

While the Ghoulies engaged the class with an acute comparison between carbon particles and a reproductively infertile person, Fangs caught Joaquin glaring angrily at him and turns to look the other way when he saw Fangs looking.

Fangs panicked internally. He knew he fucked up. He shouldn't have teased Joaquin in front of the whole class especially when he didn't know if what he guessed was true.

After the class, Joaquin quickly gathered up his things and bolted out of the classroom.

"Joaquin!" Fangs ran out after him hot on his heals, leaving a confused Sweet Pea behind.

"Joaquin! Listen up!" No response. "WAIT UP DeSANTOS!"

"come on! JOAQUIN!" Fangs grabbed his serpent jacket in an attempt to stop the raging bullet.

"WHAT!?" Joaquin angrily turned to face Fangs almost knocking him over.

"What do you want fangs? The details of my rendezvous with a 'someone' hmm?" Joaquin sassed, furious.

"Dude, come on! It was just a joke. Why are you getting so upset?" Fangs tried to reason.

"Because no one can know and it's none of your fucking business!" He whisper-yelled.

"Okay one, ouch and two, what do you mean no one can know?" Fangs inquired.

"Yoo-hoo" Joaquin sing-songed. "I JUST said, it's none of your business"

"Joaquin come on, you're worrying me now. You almost never get angry and right now you're furious in-spite of knowing that I was joking." Fangs rambled on "You always tell me about stuff and now you're saying it's 'none of my business'? Well yes sir, it is absolutely my business and you know what? I'm definitely not going to stop bugging you until---"

"His name is Kevin Keller" Joaquin sighed.

"---you tell me who-- wait, Kevin Keller? As in Sheriff Keller's Keller?" Fangs asked shocked.

Joaquin nodded.

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND!?"

Joaquin jumped up and sealed Fangs' mouth with his palm, looking around to see of anyone heard him.

"Quiet!" He whispered sharply. "Now you see why no one can know?"

Fangs straightened up and and jerked Joaquin's hand from his mouth.

"No shit, Sherlock" he huffed. " What were you thinking? Seriously, of all the jerks you could choose from, you chose the town sheriff's son while being part of a motherfucking gang!?"

"Well, don't blame me! You wanted to know, now you know." Joaquin shrugged.

"Wasn't riding a motorbike, carrying a knife in your pocket while wearing leather 24x7, getting a huge ass snake tattoo and hanging out in a bar full of drunkards all at 16 enough rebel for you?"

Joaquin deadpanned, severely regretting telling him anything.

"Does he even know that you're a serpent?" Fangs inquired.

"Of course he does. I have a 'huge ass snake tattoo' remember? He promised he won't tell if I won't."

"And you believe that?"

"Yes I do. And you are not going to question that" Joaquin stated.

"Have you totally lost it, DeSantos? He is fucking sheriff's son! It's written 'beware' in block letters on a big red sign board on his head!" Fangs exaggerated.

Joaquin looked around to check again if anyone was eavesdropping or intrigued with Fangs' not so subtle behavior.

"Look, I- FP put me upto this. He needs to keep an eye on the sheriff for..." he hesitated "....for some reason I don't know of. He's planning on doing that through his son and asked me get on his good side." Joaquin whispered.

"FP put you upto this?" Fangs asked, confused.

"Yes. Now please would you drop this and promise to never mention it to anyone. Just you and me okay? Or else FP will roast me alive." Joaquin said sincerely.

"Yeah yeah don't worry about it" Fangs sighed, casually shrugging off his friend.

"Fangs no." Joaquin looked Fangs in the eye as he firmly held him by his shoulder. "You don't understand. You can't tell anyone. Not even Sweet Pea or Toni. This is important okay? No one means no fucking one. Got it?"

"Yeah, jeez Joaquin" Fangs started as he noticed Joaquin's worried expression.

"Oh god okay, I hereby solemnly promise that this secret stays between the sonority and no outsider would know about it, even if they threaten to feed me to Godzilla." Fangs said in all seriousness.

Joaquin's eyes softened and he burst out laughing. "I'll take your word on that Fogarty"

He turned around to leave as Fangs voice teasingly called from behind.

"By the way, you don't have to blush everytime he texts, you know. FP won't know, trust me"

Joaquin threw a middle finger over his shoulder as he started walking faster in the opposite direction, desperately trying to hide the red creeping on his cheeks and the involuntary smile on his lips.

"Damn you're screwed, DeSantos"

"Joaquin and I used to hang out. He talked about you all the time."

@buggiebreak

[gollygeezandgoshdarns-blog]

MUSIC REVIEW

First photo owned by Lithium-Memoria from DeviantArt. The second is a screenshot courtesy of the official music video on Youtube. (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED)

This song, I got hooked on right from the first note. Heard it from Pentatonix and loved it so much I had to find out who the original artist is: a band named FLEET FOXES.

Although the lyrics are vague, and repeated much more so than the usual pop song, it never gets old for me. I love how it sounds like they recorded it inside a huge water tank.

Here:

I was following the pack

all swallowed in their coats

with scarves of red tied ‘round their throats

to keep their little heads

from fallin’ in the snow

and I turned ‘round and there you go

and Michael, you would fall

and turn the white snow

red as strawberries in the summertime

Okay.

There. What made me like the song more and exponentially intrigued, is the fact that, strolling through the comments, I found one that related it to the French Revolution. And it felt… right. Like puzzle pieces finally connecting with each other. A heart broken in half finding another. Admittedly, I have limited knowledge of that, but whatever. I love Les Miserables and I have to read up on Bonaparte and guillotines.

Anyway, people who didn’t wear red scarves like the rebels were decapitated, hence, heads would fall to the ground… and paint the snow red. So they wore high collared coats, to keep their heads from falling to the snow.

And Michael, oh, poor Michael…

However, the lead singer and songwriter of the band said that it’s, “lyrically fairly meaningless” and as “something to sing along to while doing the dishes”.

And that made me love it more.

[tamrapraxidike]

Why Did I Even Go to College?: An Essay

Have you ever found yourself wondering, “what quality of a university education am I receiving?” Well, let me tell you a little story about the goings-on at fully accredited, four-year institution, [Name Retracted because I’m trying to be sensitive about these things] University.

The 25th of September 2017, marked the dawn of a new fall term – and also the beginning of my psychology course, “Statistics & Methods.” Right off the bat, my class was informed that this was the first time this course was being taught online, and to buckle up for a bumpy ride and be patient as the kinks got worked out. Naively I assumed that the professors and administrators overseeing this course would have enough professionalism and organizational skill to ensure this course ran according to plan. They’d successfully taught this course in person; how bad could this be?

Little did I know I was about to encounter one of the greatest dumpster fires of my entire academic career.  Now at this point, you might be wondering, “Tamra, why would you, a theatre major, enroll in a psychological statistics course?” Great question, buddy! Due to a typo on an official university degree requirements webpage, I registered for the course under the impression that it was required for all students pursuing a Bachelor’s of Science degree (a misunderstanding that was not rectified by any of the multiple people in academic advising who I corresponded with regarding this issue. It was not until week four (halfway through our ten-week term) that the lecture professor clarified that this course was, in fact, meant to be taken by anyone pursuing a career in psychology. I received this news but two days prior to the deadline to drop the course.

Not eager to lose the tuition money I had paid, nor to track down a more suitable course at the eleventh hour, I steeled my will to succeed in a class for which I was not quipped. Like, at all.

This course was, in short, a disaster.

• Several lab assignments were never listed in the course syllabus. Many of these were group assignments, which also happened to be so poorly coordinated that it appeared no thought contributed to their development. I was never informed of who was in my group, or even how many classmates my group consisted of. Five? Twenty? One-hundred and six? I WILL NEVER KNOW.

• Many of these group assignments had midweek deadlines, which were never enforced. Not only was it annoying to have online homework due for the same class three separate times over the course of a given week, but there seemed to be no incentive for me to do so. I dutifully completed the confusing assignments, because I didn’t want to screw over any innocent classmates. However, I was not granted the same courtesy by other group members, who I doubt suffered any consequences.

• The multiple group assignments I trod through were not listed anywhere in the syllabus – that is, they were not included in the breakdown for the course grading system, which means that it is possible these assignments had no bearing on my performance in the class. However, the thought that I spent hours on these assignments only to receive no kind of compensation for my time, or that I could have spent my time actually enjoying myself instead, is too much for my weakened spirit to bear.

• When completing weekly homework, the worksheet would frequently refer to pages in the lab manual, which was created by *the University* specifically for this very course, if the student needed extra help working through the assignment. FUNNY STORY: when I would turn to the lab manual pages referenced, I would be taken to the wrong page on which to locate pertinent information, or sometimes to an incorrect chapter entirely.

• GUYS. I don’t know who the instructor for the lab was. I could tell you their name, but I have never engaged with this person in any substantial capacity. They were not the one who filmed our weekly tutorial videos (I have no clue who did), and only made the effort to contact us students a couple times. If I passed them on the street, I would not be able to identify them.

By the time the tenth and final week of classes arrived, I was fed up. Here I was, at my wit’s end, an art student who was somehow, by the grace of whatever god you believe in, keeping pace with actual psychology students in a ludicrously mismanaged STEM course.

With a single lab assignment left to complete, and little motivation to do so, I took a stand. Resigning myself to an inevitable reduction to my grade.... I deliberately did not complete the assignment. No, let me rephrase – in the space left blank for hand calculations, instead of scribbling answers, I declared such thoughts, as “this assignment isn’t worth my time,” or “take a gander at my PSPP data output – that’s why I submit them, after all.” I left the last page entirely blank, and most of the other pages as well. Bold? Undoubtedly, but I declared what every other poor soul in the course was thinking. I am a voice for the Voiceless; I will not be silenced! (Do you hear that, Professor? It’s the sound of rebels singing the song of angry men!)

Up until this point, I had received full marks on every damn homework assignment. This was often an utter surprise to me. I would have been pleased with my apparent knack for statistics, had it not be for the unsettling lack of feedback that accompanied these perfect grades. Was I being marked solely on participation? Was I some kind of statistics prodigy? While, statistically, yes, it is possible, I learned enough to assure you that, no, it is not likely. A part of me hoped that the professor’s apathetic eyes would glaze over my work, and, by an act of luck or provenience, lay their pupils upon my piece de resistance, and be moved to ANY kind of response.

Friends, Romans, countrymen, LEND ME YOUR EARS. It is my duty to report that the professor apparently *did not see the full masterpiece of my final homework assignment*, as I have been awarded, once again, FULL MARKS and zero commentary. Upon receiving this grade, my first response was laughter. I cried tears of genuine shock and giddiness. Upon further contemplation, I was disheartened. I grieved the evident loss of standards within the higher education system (I joke, but for real, though?). While my time at [Stupid Dumb] University has been, overall, disappointing (don’t even breathe the words “theatre building renovation” in my presence), this class represents ROCK BOTTOM. I can only hope that my thorough (and yes, it was *quite* thorough) course evaluation feedback is taken into serious consideration when constructing this class for future terms, and, good lord, innocent students.

[8cetera]

Writer In The Dark

A/N: I listened to Lorde and this happened. Song: Writer In The Dark Characters: OC ft. Barba and Benson

Bright red and blue marked all that she could see.

The walls. The road. Even the faces of the small crowd that formed at her expense. The lights were like a cheap dye, carelessly being thrown over all that it could reach with no regard to the consequences, and of the ugliness it inflicted.

It paid no mind. Left no concern. It just continued to blink.

She flinched at the hands that were abruptly on her skin. Rough hands pushed firmly against her back and arms without the slightest trace of gentleness or courtesy. She desperately looked for it, but knew none would come to her.

Break the news, you’re walking out To be a good man for someone else

“Is this truly necessary?”

The sound of his voice immediately drowned out everything else. It affected her so deeply because she was finally given what she had been yearning for just moments prior.

The gentleness.

It flowed through the tone of his words and a smile nearly slipped her lips because of it. She frowned at how inappropriate that might have been.

Then again, she was surely far past the point of propriety.  

Sorry I was never good like you

“Yes, Barba. It is.”

Another voice she recognized. Benson.

She struggled to remember her first name but they had met once before. It had been pleasant. They had shared a meal and conversation which had both been light in nature.

Stood on my chest and kept me down Hated hearing my name on the lips of a crowd Did my best to exist just for you

“Maybe there’s a way for us to discuss-

“She broke into your home. There’s nothing I can do- no amount of discussion could possibly change that-”

She winced at the words.

Words filled with such cruelty, with such disdain that it elicited a whimper within her.

Despite being covered with shame and embarrassment she still turned to his direction. She needed to see him. She needed a chance to explain her actions. That the names she was being called, both to her face and behind her back- none of it were true.

She was confident that he knew this. Though they had been far apart for so long- he still knew her. The real her.

He just needed to be reminded.

I still feel you, now and then Slow like pseudo-ephedrine When you see me, will you say I’ve changed?

So why is it, that when she turned to face him, she felt as though she were facing a complete stranger?

She locked eyes with him. Her lips parted. Her tears began to stream down her face.

He looked distraught. Tired. Distant. Why hadn’t she noticed it before? Earlier when it was just them two.

When there were no red and blue lights to distract them? 

I ride the subway, read the signs I let the seasons change my mind I love it here since I’ve stopped needing you

He began to walk towards her.

All at once her body felt numb. She pulled her wrists against the cold metal bracelets that encircled them to feel the same stinging impression it had made earlier. She needed to let herself feel something.

No matter how many times she tried, however, it continued to fail her.

“Barba- don’t.”

Listen to her, Rafael. She began to beg silently.

Don’t come any closer. She begged for him to listen to his closest friend; for the officer to grab her by her arm again and take her away, for her legs to move, for her to look away. She begged the unnamed Gods like she had never begged before- but not a single prayer was answered.

If they were, he would not be inches away from her.

Before she could do anything about it he held her face. They traveled slowly, the wetness on her face making it easy for his familiar fingers to run along her cheeks. She relaxed into his touch; she mourned that it was nothing like how he used to hold her, but she ignored the pain in her chest telling her so.

“Please.” She barely heard it, his voice, the tone that showcased more plea than the word itself.

“You need to find help- I don’t know how I can-”

I am my mother’s child, I’ll love you ‘til my breathing stops I’ll love you ‘til you call the cops on me But in our darkest hours, I stumbled on a secret power I’ll find a way to be without you, babe

Flashes of images flashed before her eyes, then. Images she wished were just fragments that her mind had concocted on its own and not actual memories.

Darkness.

She leaned her body flat against the door. Her eyes wandered the empty apartment. The absence of the warm lights, casually mixed in with the faint scent of smoky bourbon served as clues that no one was home.

She kept it that way; relying only on muscle memory to guide her through the darkness.

For the first time, the moonlight was unkind. Not allowing her even a glimpse of her own atrocity. That didn’t stop her from rebelling; pushing her free senses to uncharted limits.

Glass.

So much broken glass. Scattered across his mahogany floor. The bottle was in her hand, shattered at the neck up, and its contents mercilessly dripping down her thigh and onto his thick carpet.

Wrong. This was all wrong. 

Light.

He was in front of her. Shouting- at her, and not- at the same time.

He pried the bottle from her shaking grip. He was so angry. He was saying so many things, but she didn’t bother listening. She gave all her attention to his face instead. The face that had lines she did not recognize. A stubble she did not approve of.

Beneath all the changes she also recognized what was missing.

Affection. There was not a trace of the devotion he once swore he felt for her. Why did he have to break his promise? If he didn’t, they wouldn’t be in this position.

There wouldn’t be so much glass. Darkness. Light. Change.

It was all too much.

She watched him take out his phone. She watched him dial the numbers, and read his lips as he clutched the phone in his ear.

She knew, then, that this was it.

This was the end. 

The horror of the truth overwhelmed her. She was responsible for all this. 

What had she… done?

She flinched away from his touch, leaving his hands as an empty frame for a moment longer until they finally fell to his sides. An action of defeat that matched perfectly with the expression written across on his face that she would never forget.

Each step felt heavier as she was getting closer and closer to the red and blue lights. By now it seemed as though the colors blended together; creating a shade even more grotesque than she had initially thought.

She was seated now. The smell of coffee and old leather filled her senses as she took one last glance past the window. No matter how hard she tried to do otherwise, her gaze still landed on him last.

She whispered the words she knew would never reach him, her breath making etches against the window, until she felt the car move to take her away.

Bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark Now she’s gonna play and sing and lock you in her heart Bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark

To her relief, taking her away further than she could ever hope for.