#count of monte sandwich

[beardedmrbean]

[thatsthewrongwallcraig]

Le Petit Mort

Summary: That period comfort fic.

Pairing: Lestat de Lioncourt x human!afab!Reader

Word Count: ~1.7k

Content Warnings: Period Blood Flavoured Porn 18+!, Soft!Lestat, A Tiny Bit Angsty, Oral (F Receiving), Period Blood :), Comfort, A Little Somnophilia, A Surprising Amount Of Lestat's Musings About Human Biology

A/N: I just want to crawl into his ribcage and wrap myself around his heart.

No pressure tags: @notgilderoylockhart @queer-crusader @blueberrypancakesworld @theprettiesthead @midnight-mess

And it′s easy done

Our little remedy

And the reason comes on the common tongue of your loving me

- Moment's Silence By Hozier

Eventually, at the point where the latest hours of the night exchanged a brief shake of hands with those of the early morning, the city quieted down. Lamp-lit streets gradually guided fewer creatures of the night, or those who believed to be such, back home, and the spontaneous bursts of music after someone had swung a bar door open died out just like the plenty of colorful lights illuminating the window frames of the neighborhood; one going out after the other like a tiring sparkle of fireflies.

Lestat watched the city quarter slowly slip into a brief slumber, knowing that it would only take a mere handful of hours for the bustling on the streets to start anew, hungry bodies eager to fill themselves with hot beverages and takeaway sandwiches to soak up what was left from the night before. Daytime activities not meant to be entertained by him, however, much more so by you when you’d wake with him already gone, hiding away from the sunlight you were to let yourself bask in with every little stroll of yours to pick up flowers or enjoy some ice cream on the pier whilst he slept to pass the hours between being with and without you again. The pleasantries of being human.

With time, he’d forgotten most about it, had trained and taught himself not to care about the things so far out of his reach but that only lasted until you had come along, crossed his nightly path, slightly yet dangerously enough swaying on a pair of glittery high heels and black mascara running down your face, swept along the soft curve of your cheeks by a wash of heavy tears. Lestat had been out to feed and yet, your appearance that night had evoked a sense of pity inside the rotten pit of his ribcage that had thrown the hunger aside and instead led him to find out what this city had done to you on that particular night.

The undead tried not to dwell on this memory for too long for it wouldn’t bring him anything other than sorrow over something that wasn’t even lost to him yet, quite the contrary, still resting calmly in his embrace.

Exhaling a tender hum, you nuzzled your face against Lestat’s chest, slumbering away soundly whilst he watched over you. The vampire found himself perfectly content with that, having concluded that you couldn’t possibly entertain him at all hours of the night, especially not during the work week. The weekends, however, posed as the sacred frame of time you could actually spend time with one another without any overly negative repercussions. Not so seldomly, he felt a pang of guilt rumble through him for fucking your sleep schedule like that - yet another one of those things the vampire preferred not to sit in longer than necessary.

Shushing the unwelcome musings from his mind, Lestat placed a tender kiss to your hairline, one hand caressing down your back before coming back around your hips again, a hardly noticeable, miniscule tremble making his palm rest just above the waistband of your checkered pajama shorts; he liked them, enjoyed seeing you comfortable.

He had to double-take but it was there, right beneath his fingertips, pointed nails like stained glass barely touching your soft skin, a thrum going through your lower abdomen, a telltale pull inwards not yet strong enough to wake you. If he focused, he was able to feel the muscles tugging, preparing to shed and rid themselves of another months worth of lining and for a moment, he found himself flush with almost childlike wonder and adoration for the human body having well timed mechanisms for everything, be it antibodies to fight against an oncoming cold or an empty womb ready to start the cycle anew.

Sometimes, rarely but not less earnest, he missed it, missed that feeling of an itch scratching at the back of his throat as snow fell outside and he'd warmed himself in front of a fire that burned like vermillion and Amber whilst feeding from a bowl of soup. But then again, the longing withered with the remembrance of coughing his lungs out for weeks, bronchi ablaze with infection and rendered sticky with amounts of mucus that had left him wondering how he hadn’t drowned within himself. Lestat shook the memory with an accompanying, slight shake of his head, fingers still curiously following the pull and tear underneath your skin. It would render painful quickly and he wouldn't want you to wake up with this hurt ripping through your body like that, no, he much rather have you wake up gently and with enough time to take something to help with the discomfort before tucking yourself back in.

The hand that had been resting carefully dipped down, fingers slipping past the elastic easily before they curved and felt tacky wetness; a severe lack of arousal in the current amalgamation but he'd gleefully correct that in time.

A sheen of pinkish red glossed index and middle finger up to the knuckles as he withdrew again and he eyed it for a moment as you softly stirred in his embrace, you wouldn't wake just now, only a little turbulence that ebbed away quickly.

There was no second thought as Lestat raised his hand just enough to gingerly pop both fingers into his mouth to suck them clean. The traces of fresh blood were hardly even there and yet they gave him a brief head rush, fangs pushing through out of sheer instinct and the aftertaste leaving him craving more.

He sucked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, dragging every last bit from between his taste buds as he pondered briefly and figured that you wouldn't mind as he slowly shimmy away from you just the tiniest little bit, enough to crouch down, shoulder against the mattress and fingers pulling at your shorts until they hung loose around your thighs. Lestat had to remind himself not to bite…only taste. There was no need for any harm in what he was wanting to do, tongue darting out to lap at you gently to pull from a source that came without violence and again, it egged him into a frenzy as the slightest taste of your blood swept into his mouth.

He hummed into you, palms splayed at your lower back and you groaned in return, subconscious eventually catching up to the careful ministrations.

“Huh?” Your voice low and sleep-drunk as your eyes fluttered open and dropped down immediately.

With Lestat's broad hands warm against your back, the dull sensation of pressure from within didn't come to you immediately, the battling pleasure so kindly donated by your lover spreading much more intense.

“Your bleedin’, ma belle.” Lestat mouthed against your throbbing cunt before pulling away just enough to look up at you, chin glazed with traces of red and fangs prodding against a glistening bottom lip.

If you hadn't been comfortable resting on your bed, you'd have probably just toppled over because the view from above rendered your knees weak in a heartbeat.

“Oh.” It trickled from your mouth, entirely content with what was happening and just in time before the air got knocked from your lungs as Lestat leaned back in, the width of his tongue snaking through soaked labia and eventually pushing inside, gently stretching you around the taut and nimble muscle.

Your fingers found his head, taking a fistful of honey-blonde curls to pull him flush against you as he coaxed a wash of little noises to feather from your lips and into the bedroom.

“You're impossible.” The words came breathless and slightly hoarse as the bridge of your lover's nose nudged against your swollen clit, flushed flesh pressing dangerously close to predatory jaws.

Lestat laughed into you, the vibration nearly sending you flying past the threshold already but you held back, kept tethering on the edge as he fed from you; each and every clench and throb of your cunt easing the growing discomfort whilst pulling the fresh red from you.

If it had been up to Lestat, he could've done it all night, for hours until the sun would come up, however, he was still attentively listening to your body and the way it reacted around him; tongue fucking into you, curling and curving against your insides. He felt how your muscles grew tighter, pressure growing and ready to snap in the very next moment.

He wanted you to let loose, to taste you coming all over his mouth and chin as your blood rendered sweet with the rush of release; a special delicacy. And for a few strokes of his tongue, he pressed in even further, nose rubbing against your sensitive clit. Lestat could feel the electricity jolting through your body, you practically vibrated above him, thighs twitching before the firework of blissed out sensations got set into motion.

A muffled Fuck got lost in fabric and feathers as you shoved your face into a thick pillow, the trembling if your body outside of your control as the contractions flushed any sort of pain right out of you and Lestat lapped at you like a feral animal, immediate overstimulation making you writh as he held you in place until he deemed himself sated.

He pulled away at last, the wet sound emanating from amidst your thighs making your face flush with heat.

“You French pervert.” You groan out halfway laughing.

“Je t'aime, aussi.”, Lestat looked up at you, grinning widely with his cheek pressed against your skin, “I reckon you get something to ease the pain, love.”

“But I have, don't I?” You smiled back, chest swelling with warmth and an overflowing gush of love.

“You sure do, but I was thinking about something that would actually let you sleep, no?”

[renegadeguild]

Edible Book Day 2024

the appetizers

A Commonplace Snack by Daemonluna

A collection of tropes and other ephemera, rendered in nori and rice paper. Sewn with a glass sweet potato noodle, ornamented with cilantro and lime.

This is how we roll (bamboo slips) by anonymous

This is the first book I have made since joining Renegade. I didn't think I'd get to make books and eat them too.

The (Not Actually) Matzah Plague Board Book by Noodle and Noodle's Auntie

10 Plagues by Noodle and Noodle's Auntie. Illustration by Noodle and Noodle's Auntie. Writing and Binding by Noodle. Materials: Gluten Free Matzo Substitute, fruit roll ups, fruit by the foot, sour belts, licorice, fruit rolls, sour sticks, cumin, water.

a fluffy breaduation by Sandy Kitty Bindery

i do not regret anything... except maybe the dentist bills ;)

Pancake Scroll by Zhalfirin

This was a lot easier than I had anticipated. A bit bland because I wasn't sure what I'd do the painting with and therefore didn't season the batter. It goes really well with a side of salmon and soy sauce though.

the mains

the iron chef secret ingredient was lasers by Lark

lasers are friends not food.

6/10, at least I chose turkey this year.

The Count of Monte Cristo by Thunder (Dragon's Thunder Press)

This was my first book bind ever. The case is French toast. The 2 signatures are each made of 3 omelet folios, and they're sewn with mozzarella string cheese strands. The end pages are each a slice of prosciutto, and they're pasted in with raspberry fruit syrup. Finally, the titling was done with black icing.

Sandwiches (And Books) Are Beautiful by Velvetwastaken

The ‘book’ ultimately failed to be readable as such due to a betrayal by the onion binding. But it tasted amazing, and thus I think still encapsulated the spirit of edible book day: good books are meant to be devoured.

and of course… … the desserts!

Mistakes were Marbled by anonymous

I baked a strawberry cake with buttercream icing. The buttercream set a bit too quickly for the marbled effect to work, and attempts to fix it caused structural damage, resulting in ... this. I would like half-points for retaining good flavor, despite appearances.

Brandy Snaps by Lottie

Brandy snaps for the pages, strawberry laces for thread. Complete with two weaver’s knots to tie the strawberry laces together

Book Cookies by six

Sadly not fully functional books - the cases are rigid sugar cookies baked into various open forms. The pages are edible wafer paper marked up here and there w/ an edible ink pen and the frosting quite tasty! Experimented with two different sizes and various page configurations. Fed some of them to various Renegade members. There were no fatalities.

Titles are overrated by Zhalfirin

I'm still baffled this turned out the way it did.

It's a delicious little baumkuchen chonker (app. A6 in size and about 6cm thick) cased in chocolate powdered marzipan.

Don't forget to vote for your favorite! And check out last year's winners here.

[starlit-mansion]

clarification: ketchup or bbq sauce on meat does not count for the purpose of this poll, nor do sweeter veg like sweet pickles, carrots or caramelized onion. i'm talking meat with fruit or honey or maple syrup or sweet glazes.

[purplesurveys]

1839

What were you doing at 10:30 this morning? I was at Sunday mass sweating my ass off.

Is there anyone else in the room with you? It would just be me and the wrestling match that's playing in the background.

If you married the last male you spoke to, what would your initials be? RM, funnily enough.

What did you have for lunch today? I had looooooots of sushi and looooooots of sashimi. It was my cousin's 20th birthday and my mom wanted to treat our extended family to lunch, so to a Japanese restaurant we went.

In your phone, who is the first contact listed under ‘L’? Laurice :)

How old is he/she? She's 25 this year.

What colour are your father’s eyes? Dark brown.

Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female? Guy.

What’s the 9th song on your iTunes “Recently Played” list? I haven't used iTunes since the first half of high school.

What colour are the eyes of the last male you text messaged? I bet they're dark brown as well because everyone I talk to is Filipino anyway.

Who is the first contact in your phone? What colour is his/her hair? A work contact; black.

How many tracks were on the last album you listened to? Hope on the Street has six songs on it.

Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you? My mom, I guess? She rarely does it nowadays though. I do have a relative on my mom's side who once tried to embarrass me publicly by invalidating/questioning my profession, so I'll count him.

Is there a song you can listen to over and over and never get fed up? That would be Closer by RM, ft. Mahalia.

Do you have a friend whose name begins with ’H’? Describe him/her. Hannah! I was closer with her in college and we barely talk now, but she's the kind of friend that you'll...always just kinda have a soft spot for, so I love her all the same. She's very nice and can be cheeky in a very endearing and lovable way if she wants to, and a terrific singer.

Are there any songs in your iTunes library that you’ve never listened to? Don't use iTunes anymore.

So, how are you? Is there anything wrong? I'm okay. I had a terrific 6-day break that I spent running errands and having an extremely productive Wrestlemania marathon, but this Sunday evening I'm winding things down with surveys so I can be relaxed and calm for when I come back to work tomorrow.

How do you handle awkward situations? It definitely depends on the situation, but a safe go-to is to just use my phone and pretend to look occupied.

Who is the most intelligent person you know? Hans, my dad, Andi. Couldn't pick just one.

Who was the last female you were introduced to? Not too sure...it may have been someone related to work. I meet so many people everyday hahaha.

What was your first impression of her? I can't even remember the person haha, sorry!

Who was the last male you were introduced to? ^ Same.

What was your first impression of him? ^ Saaaame same same.

Name one of your favourite foods that starts with the letter 'F’. "Weird? What? What's weird? The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making FAJITAS!"

Do you have a close friend of the opposite sex? Yes.

Would you ever consider being more than friends with them? Hell no, he feels much like a brother-in-law at this point lol.

Who is the 8th contact in your phone? Is he/she in a relationship? A work contact who's actually a pretty well-known/established local actor; I have his number as I needed to work with him for a brand I used to manage. He's married.

If you could travel back in time, which year would you go to? I'd love to have been present and conscious for Wrestlemania 17, which took place in 2001.

When was the last time you made a sandwich? What did you put on it? I don't frequently make sandwiches but the last time I had one was two Saturdays ago. I had a(n overpriced) Monte Cristo.

What were you like as a 12 year old? Just as much of a dramatic rebel you'd imagine an angsty 12 year old to be. I fantasized running away and cutting off my family, having tattoo sleeves, and was still busy being the problem child/black sheep of the family. Wrestling was what kept me sane at the time, as it was impossible for me to make friends in school.

What colour are the eyes of the last female you text messaged? Dark brown.

When you woke up this morning, what kind of mood were you in? A little sad since I realized it was Sunday already.

Are you hungry? Craving any food in particular? No. I had so much sushi earlier and still feel full that tbh I don't mind not eating til tomorrow.

In the past week, how many times have you cried? Once, but it was all good tears cause I was just crying over a wrestling match and how nicely-done the storytelling was told lol. For anyone who would care - Warrior vs. Savage, Wrestlemania 7.

On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being amazing), how good is life atm? 7.5.

[college-cryptids]

i work at a library and the count of monte cristo is sandwiched between the french and spanish textbooks because this edition is in french. somewhere in another country this book is probably in a completely different section of a library because the language it speaks is like the one in the books around it. it's in the classics or the historical fiction instead of being condemned to linger among the educational texts where no one will ever find it because it's small and old and it does not communicate like the rest of the library. somewhere it is where it is meant to be and the version of it that exists in this language stands in its place because there it too is different. i can't write the poem but do you get it

[geek-and-nina]

Monte Cristo sandwiches. Miniature painting. Change counting. Day off from writing

[brookston]

Holidays 8.28

Holidays

Bow Tie Day

Crackers Over the Keyboard Day

Criminal Appreciation Day

Crumbs Between the Keys Day

Dream Day Quest and Jubilee

828 Day

Emerati Women’s Day (UAE)

Emmett Till Day

End of the Fairy Tale Day

Giving Black Day (a.k.a. Give 828)

Gone-ta-Pott Day [every 28th]

Green Shirt Guy Day

I Have a Dream Day

International Read Comics in Public Day

Manifest 828 Day

Mariamoba (Republic of Georgia)

National Bow Tie Day

National Grandparents Day (Mexico)

National Over It Day

National Power Rangers Day

National Thoughtful Day

Nativity of Nephthys (Egyptian Goddess of Love)

Race Your Mouse Around the Icons Day

Radio Commercial Day

Rainbow Bridge Remembrance Day

Russian Germans Day (Germany)

Scientific American Day

Significant Historical Events Day

Tan Suit Day

Watermelon Day (French Republic)

World Day of Turners Syndrome

Food & Drink Celebrations

National Cheese Sacrifice Day

National Cherry Turnover Day

National Red Wine Day

Stuffed Green Bell Peppers Day

Subway Sandwich Day

4th & Last Monday in August

Araw ng mga Bayani (National Heroes’ Day; Philippines) [Last Monday]

August/Summer Bank Holiday (UK) [Last Monday]

International Day of Cyber Attack Ceasefire [Last Monday]

Liberation Day (Hong Kong) [Last Monday]

Motorist Consideration Monday [Monday of Be Kind to Humankind Week]

Notting Hill Carnival (UK) [Last Monday & day before]

Social Justice Day (Antarctica) [4th Monday]

Independence Days

Holy Empire of Reunion (Declared; 1997) [unrecognized]

Luana (Declared; 2019) [unrecognized]

Moldova (from USSR; 1991)

Ohio Empire (Declared; 2008) [unrecognized]

Feast Days

Alexander of Constantinople (Christian; Saint)

Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary (Abkhazia)

Augustine of Hippo (Christian; Saint) [brewers] *

Ayyankali Jayanti (Kerala, India)

Constant Troyon (Artology)

Edmund Arrowsmith (Christian; Saint)

Edward Burne-Jones (Artology)

Feast of the Mother of God (Georgia, Macedonia, Serbia)

Festival for Luna (Ancient Rome)

Festival for Sol (Ancient Rome)

Festival of the Neon Revolution

First Onam (Rice Harvest Festival; Kerala, India)

Frank Gorshin Day (Church of the SubGenius; Saint)

Hermes of Rome (Christian; Saint)

Julian (Christian; Saint)

Junipero Serra (Christian; Saint)

Marimba (Virgin’s Assumption; Georgia)

Mariotte (Positivist; Saint)

Media Aestas III (Pagan)

More Rum Day (Pastafarian)

Moses the Black (Christian; Saint)

Uncle Norton the Elephant (Muppetism)

Lucky & Unlucky Days

Sensho (先勝 Japan) [Good luck in the morning, bad luck in the afternoon.]

Umu Limnu (Evil Day; Babylonian Calendar; 40 of 60)

Premieres

Animal Crackers (Film; 1930)

Cain's Jawbone, by E. Powys Mathers (Novel/Puzzle; 1934)

Come Clean, by Puddle of Mudd (Album; 2001)

The Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas (Novel; 1844)

Do the Evolution, by Pearl Jam (Animated Music Video; 1998)

54 (Film; 1998)

Flying Leathernecks (Film; 1951)

Gallipoli (Film; 1981)

Get Rich Quick Porky (WB LT Cartoon; 1937)

Honeymoon in Vegas (Film; 1992)

I Have a Dream, by Martin Luther King Jr. (Speech; 1963)

Let’s Get It On, by Marvin Gaye (Album; 1973)

Lohengrin, by Richard Wagner (Opera; 1850)

Mary of Scotland (Film; 1936)

Mickey’s Follies (Disney Cartoon; 1929)

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (TV Series; 1993)

Narcos (TV Series; 2015)

The New Mutants (Film; 2020)

Perri (Disney Film; 1957)

Personal, 19th Jack Reacher book, by Lee Child (Novel; 2014)

Phineas and Verb the Movie: Candace Against the Universe (Animated Film; 2020)

Private Lessons (Film; 1981)

Q. Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!, by Devo (Album; 1978)

Rope (Film; 1948)

Smile, by Katy Perry (Album; 2020)

Song of the Thin Man (Film; 1947)

Studio 54 (Film; 1998)

Tease for Two (WB LT Cartoon; 1965)

Travelling Without Moving, by Jamiroquai (Album; 1996)

The Truth About Mother Goose (Disney Cartoon; 1957)

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (Film; 1992)

Victoria (TV Series; 2016)

Walk This Way by Aerosmith (Song; 1975)

Yankee Doodle Bugs (WB LT Cartoon; 1954)

Today’s Name Days

Adelinde, Aline, Augustin (Austria)

Augustin, Tin (Croatia)

Augustýn (Czech Republic)

Augustinus (Denmark)

August, Gustav, Kustas, Kustav, Kusti, Kusto (Estonia)

Tauno (Finland)

Augustin, Elouan (France)

Adelinde, Aline, Augustin, Vivian (Germany)

Damon (Greece)

Ágoston (Hungary)

Agostino, Ermete (Italy)

Auguste, Guste, Ranna (Latvia)

Augustinas, Patricija, Steigvilė, Tarvilas (Lithuania)

Artur, August (Norway)

Adelina, Aleksander, Aleksy, Augustyn, Patrycja, Sobiesław, Stronisław (Poland)

Augustín (Slovakia)

Agustín (Spain)

Fatima, Leila (Sweden)

Agustin, August, Augusta, Augustina, Austen, Austin, Austina, Austyn, Gus, Gustava, Gustavo (USA)

Today is Also…

Day of Year: Day 240 of 2024; 125 days remaining in the year

ISO: Day 1 of week 35 of 2023

Celtic Tree Calendar: Coll (Hazel) [Day 21 of 28]

Chinese: Month 7 (Geng-Shen), Day 13 (Wu-Wu)

Chinese Year of the: Rabbit 4721 (until February 10, 2024)

Hebrew: 11 Elul 5783

Islamic: 11 Safar 1445

J Cal: 30 Hasa; Nineday [30 of 30]

Julian: 15 August 2023

Moon: 92%: Waxing Gibbous

Positivist: 16 Gutenberg (9th Month) [Mariotte]

Runic Half Month: Rad (Motion) [Day 1 of 15]

Season: Summer (Day 68 of 94)

Zodiac: Virgo (Day 7 of 32)

Calendar Changes

Rad (Motion) [Half-Month 17 of 24; Runic Half-Months] (thru 9.9)

[slickbackdani]

Top Ten favorite foods you've ever tasted?

Ah, that's gonna be a challenge. Not counting dessert (that could be a different list all on its own), let’s see…

10: Tacos

9: Italian wedding soup

8: Steak tips

7: Breakfast sandwiches

6: Monte Cristo sandwiches

5: Meatballs with pasta and marinara sauce

4: Pancakes (any kind — blueberry, chocolate chip, etc)

3: Bacon cheeseburger (especially with avocado and egg)

2: Pizza (any kind — pepperoni, meat lover’s, Hawaiian, you name it)

1: Country-fried chicken

[bluepoodle7]

#MonteCristo #BreakfastForDinner #MonteCristoCroissantWithTheDoleMandarinOrangeFruitBowl#FastFoodBreakfastForDinnerReview

I tried the restaurant Monte Cristo Croissant with The Dole Mandarin Orange Fruit Bowl and it was pretty good.

This was microwaved.

The croissant was buttery sweet super soft but still stayed together as a monte cristo which I was surprised.

I tasted the powder sugar mixed with the butter flavor on the croissant.

The swiss cheese was fresh tasting while smooth and creamy while also melty.

This also had a nice taste to the swiss cheese which is rare.

The hickory ham was firm and lightly salty and went well with the lightly sweet and crunchy raspberry preserves.

The raspberry jam had the crunchy seeds in it.

The egg tasted freshly cracked and not the watery yellow egg mixture most places use.

This monte cristo sandwich was sweet and salty but not overly of both.

I would eat this again.

The Dole Mandarin Orange Fruit Bowl was pretty good.

These mandarin oranges were firm but soft and had a light fresh orange taste and the fruit juice had a light fresh grape taste.

This fruit bowl was lightly sweet to me.

I would eat this again.

The calories for the fruit bowl.

Dole® Mandarin Orange Fruit Bowls® in 100% Juice, 4 Count - Dole® Sunshine (dolesunshine.com)

[bigoudibouclebrunes]

Bigoudi Bouclebrune et la Communauté de l’Auto (chapitre 2)

« Dans mon temps, c’était très clair, on avait juste deux sexes. Les Madames pis les Monsieurs. Les madames pouvaient être belles, avoir des enfants pis être silencieuse. Pis les monsieurs pouvaient juste travailler jusqu’à se tuer pour faire vivre la famille. C’était comme ça et tout le monde était satisfait… mais là, les jeunes woks détruisent toute cette simplicité-là! Comme si c’était déjà compliqué au départ! Comme si on comprenait pas nos propres corps! Comme si l’humain était poche pour catégoriser les choses! Là, on a plein de genres, plein d’identités sexuelles, plein de façon de s’habiller, les Madames peuvent travailler ou pas, ne pas avoir d’enfants et être bin correctes avec ça. Ça, j’ai rien contre… mais forcer les monsieurs à faire plus? À s’occuper des zinfins? À parler de ses émotions? Arrêter de pincer les fesses des madames en faisant des clins d’œil? Ah, ça, c’est non! Pis dire qu’on peut être autre chose? Quelle hérésie! Nenon, les woks qui veulent que les gens soient biens dans leur vie, qu’ils soient heureux! Quossé ça! Nous autres, on était malheureux dans mon temps, pis on chiâlait pas pantoute!!! Par exemple, je vais vous partager une histoire inventée qui pourrait être vraie…»

Bigoudi ferma alors la chronique de Dick Tartineau, chroniqueur du Journal du Mordor en soupirant. Il se demandait bien combien de temps quelqu’un pouvait survivre tout en étant mort en-d’dans… et selon l’âge de M. Tartineau, Bigoudi en conclu que c’était 61 « and counting » comme disait les plus jeunes. Depuis que la Communauté de l’Auto avait pris la route pour aller détruire l’Anneau de GrosCon, ils avaient rarement eu le temps de prendre des pauses. Ils suivaient tous les indications de Grandoulf ou de Laurentgorn Duvernay-Tardif, fils de Françoisthorn Tardif, ancien roi du Gondor. Ils avaient été rejoint par un grand flan mou parlant aux oiseaux et aimant les Triscuit, prénommé Legranslack, un homme grognon de petite taille, du prénom de Kimchi, le fils du Protecteur du Gondor et adepte des civics modifiées et des chest-bras, du nom de Broromir ainsi que de certains des amis de Bigoudi, dont son jardinier, Samsage Grenadier, Méridien Brandiboucle et Pépin Tuque. Cette bande de joyeux lurons s’était arrêtée sur la route des Montagnes Enneigées, près du tire-fesse de la station de ski du Mont Vibrant. Bigoudi avait pu déguster du couscous aux carottes, zucchinis, poulet et saucisses merguez, des brochettes aux trois viandes sur du riz pilaf, un beau gros club sandwich accompagné d’une salade césar, un salade de tomate aux bocchonccinis et basilic frais, quelques petites croquettes de thon et saumon sur lit de salade verte, une pizza aux 4 fromages, aux amandes et aux cubes de jambon rôti, des frites de patates douces, de patates russet et de navet avec une petite mayonnaise épicée et juste assez sucrée. Il y avait du pain brioché, du pain de seigle, un immense pain au babeurre ainsi que différente sorte de beurres, dont un beurre au thym et sel de mer et un beurre à l’érable et au bacon. En dessert, les petits fruits des champs faisaient leur grand retour et traînaient dans des bols appropriés avec de la crème fouettée. Un gâteau au chocolat et crème au beurre au cacao noire avait été séparé pour tous les convives. Ainsi se présentait leurs minuscules vivres qu’ils se devaient de bien garder pour la route.

Legrandslack avait aussi apporté des triscuits en quantité industrielle ainsi que des barre-tendres ValNature et avait dit : « C’est du mangé d’elfe… ça peut nourrir une armée avec yinque les miettes. »

Ce à quoi Kimchi avait répondu d’un ton brusque « C’est ça qu’tu nous dit, mais moé, j’sais bin que ça goûte le yâb’, tes affaires pis que l’armée va préférer mourir de faim que de manger ça… ». Grandoulf répliqua : « Voyon’ mes amis… ne vous disputez pas pour si peu… nous avons assez de vivres pour… »

« Pour rebrousser chemin, Grandoulf. Dit alors Laurentgorn Duvernay-Tardif. Regardez! »

Et il pointa une immense colonne de fumée provenant du Nord. « La forêt du Nord brûle, Grandoulf. »

Nos compères regardèrent la fumée, attérés. Il semblait que le ciel s’était embrasé, soudainement. De la cendre tombait à l’horizon. « Nous sommes tous coupables de cet acte, Laurentgorn… nous avons fermés les yeux trop longtemps. » dit Grandoulf.

Ce à quoi retentit un étouffement charactéristique… un gros TADROSS! TADROSS!

C’était Conspiragollum. Ce dernier s’approcha du campement, alléché par les vivres. « C’est pas nouveau, les forêts qui brûlent, TADROS! C’est pas nouveau! Ça arrive chaque année… TADROS! TADROS! Faut pas capoter avec ça, mes précieux… c’est normal. TADROS! Voulez-vous acheter des bitcoins? TADROSS! »

« Arke, bro. » Répliqua enfin Broromir avant de se flexer les pipes d’un air menaçant. « Approche pas, bro. T’es pas cool. » Il avança d’un pas pour intimider l’ennemi. « C’paske… cette année, c’est pire que d’habitude, là… » commença-t-il.

« TADROS!! C’est pire cette année, mon précieux? C’EST ÇA QUE LES MERDIAS DISENT! TADROSS! TADROSS! »

« Ne lui parlez pas, Broromir! Il est corrompu jusqu’à la moëlle! » dit alors Grandoulf. « Allez! Fichons le camp d’ici. Nous trouverons un autre chemin. En attendant… Conspiragollum, j’aimerais que tu m’expliques en quoi les pyramides ont été faites par les Atlantes. »

« TOUT LE MONDE SAIT ÇA! N’avez-vous pas vu, TADROS! Que la pyramide de Khéops a 8 faces?! TADROSS! 8 FACES, MON PRÉCIEUX! Si on le divise ce nombre par la grandeur des couloirs ainsi que de l’entrée de la Grande Pyramide, mes précieux, on obtient le nombre d’or… LE NOMBRE D’OR! TADROSS! »

Sur ces paroles, nos comparses prirent leurs effets en quadruple vitesse et déguerpirent, laissant à Conspiragollum la chance de dire toutes ses étrangetés à la boucane qui venait vers lui.

Après plusieurs jours de marches sans réel répit, nos amis allèrent au passage secret menant aux Mines de la Malartic. Kimchi rêvait de revenir ici. Il l’avait dit à Grandoulf. Mais autour des rives du lac de couleur cuivre devant les portes des mines, un vent chaud et souffrant soufflait sur la Compagnie… « On aurait peut-être dû prendre le tire-fesse, dit Broromir. »

- Je n’aime pas trop cet endroit, dit alors Bigoudi à Grandoulf.

- Eh bin, mon ti-gars, tu sauras que c’est le meilleur endroit pour nous! Dit alors Kimchi. C’est la mine de mes ancêtres! On cherchait des quossins bons pour la santé, genre… de l’Asbestos, pis on a trouvé de l’or!

- Eh bien, répondit Grandoulf, je n’aurais jamais emprunté ce passage si je n’avais pas eu le choix… et les immenses feux de forêts ainsi que les clones de Nantelroumanes parcourent les Montagnes enneigées… il était grand temps que nous partions. Surtout avec la venue de Conspiragollum. Bon… ceci étant dit, il me faut trouver le mot de passe pour entrer dans les mines… hum… Kimchi, mon cher, que veut dire « Dites le nom de cet endroit, quel festin et toute une ambiance et entrez »?

Kimchi haussa les épaules. « C’était avant mon temps, ça, Grandoulf. ».

Bigoudi alla s’asseoir avec ses amis hobbits. Pépin s’amusait à lancer des roches dans l’eau du lac, alors que Samsage et Méridien parlaient de la culture du cannabis et ce qu’ils devaient faire pour avoir le meilleur plant en santé possible. Samsage avait même donner quelques petits trucs pour faire pousser des champignons magiques… C’est alors que Laurentgorn pris le bras de Pépin et l’empêcha de lancer la dernière pierre de sa pile.

« Heille! Lâche-moé! Cria Pépin.

- Il semblerait que si vous continuiez, vous dérangiez une menace encore plus grande que nécessaire… répliqua d’un ton alarmant Laurentgorn. »

En effet, des remous dans l’eau firent peur à nos comparses qui ramassèrent leurs affaires et s’empressèrent d’aller voir Grandoulf. Puis, une immonde créature déploya des tentacules géantes et menaça la Compagnie.

« ARKE!!! ÇA RESSEMBLE À UNE SUBURBAN QUI DÉBOULE!!! Cria Broromir. »

Un cri strident retenti… MA VÉRITAAAAAAAY!!!! MON RESSENTIIIIIIII! REEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! MES CRISTAUX QUI RALIGNENT MES SHAKRAAAAAS!!!! BOOSTEZ LE STÈMUNITAIIIIIRE!!! 

« Ah non! Cria Grandoulf… C’EST ANAL INFORMATION!!! LA CRÉATURE DU LAC PLEIN DE MÉTAUX LOURDS! puis, il prit son bâton de sagiciel, l’appuya sur l’entrée, puis cria enfin BARBIE’S RESTOBAR GRILL!!! QUEL ENDROIT, QUEL FESTIN ET TOUTE UNE AMBIAN-ANCE! »

Puis, la porte s’ouvrit en chantant « ha  ha ha ha ha ha ha BARBIES! » et nos camarades s’y engoufrèrent, Pépin s’étant fait donné un sacré coup de tentacule sur le péteux.

Bigoudi reprit ses esprits… ils se trouvaient dans les Mines de la Malartic… mais le regard de Grandoulf ne le rassura guère… il savait qu’ils n’étaient pas au bout de leur peine… loin de là. Après les feux et les conpis… que leur restaient-ils donc à affronter dans ces mines? Fin du chapitre.

[brookstonalmanac]

Holidays 8.28

Holidays

Bow Tie Day

Crackers Over the Keyboard Day

Criminal Appreciation Day

Crumbs Between the Keys Day

Dream Day Quest and Jubilee

828 Day

Emerati Women’s Day (UAE)

Emmett Till Day

End of the Fairy Tale Day

Giving Black Day (a.k.a. Give 828)

Gone-ta-Pott Day [every 28th]

Green Shirt Guy Day

I Have a Dream Day

International Read Comics in Public Day

Manifest 828 Day

Mariamoba (Republic of Georgia)

National Bow Tie Day

National Grandparents Day (Mexico)

National Over It Day

National Power Rangers Day

National Thoughtful Day

Nativity of Nephthys (Egyptian Goddess of Love)

Race Your Mouse Around the Icons Day

Radio Commercial Day

Rainbow Bridge Remembrance Day

Russian Germans Day (Germany)

Scientific American Day

Significant Historical Events Day

Tan Suit Day

Watermelon Day (French Republic)

World Day of Turners Syndrome

Food & Drink Celebrations

National Cheese Sacrifice Day

National Cherry Turnover Day

National Red Wine Day

Stuffed Green Bell Peppers Day

Subway Sandwich Day

4th & Last Monday in August

Araw ng mga Bayani (National Heroes’ Day; Philippines) [Last Monday]

August/Summer Bank Holiday (UK) [Last Monday]

International Day of Cyber Attack Ceasefire [Last Monday]

Liberation Day (Hong Kong) [Last Monday]

Motorist Consideration Monday [Monday of Be Kind to Humankind Week]

Notting Hill Carnival (UK) [Last Monday & day before]

Social Justice Day (Antarctica) [4th Monday]

Independence Days

Holy Empire of Reunion (Declared; 1997) [unrecognized]

Luana (Declared; 2019) [unrecognized]

Moldova (from USSR; 1991)

Ohio Empire (Declared; 2008) [unrecognized]

Feast Days

Alexander of Constantinople (Christian; Saint)

Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary (Abkhazia)

Augustine of Hippo (Christian; Saint) [brewers] *

Ayyankali Jayanti (Kerala, India)

Constant Troyon (Artology)

Edmund Arrowsmith (Christian; Saint)

Edward Burne-Jones (Artology)

Feast of the Mother of God (Georgia, Macedonia, Serbia)

Festival for Luna (Ancient Rome)

Festival for Sol (Ancient Rome)

Festival of the Neon Revolution

First Onam (Rice Harvest Festival; Kerala, India)

Frank Gorshin Day (Church of the SubGenius; Saint)

Hermes of Rome (Christian; Saint)

Julian (Christian; Saint)

Junipero Serra (Christian; Saint)

Marimba (Virgin’s Assumption; Georgia)

Mariotte (Positivist; Saint)

Media Aestas III (Pagan)

More Rum Day (Pastafarian)

Moses the Black (Christian; Saint)

Uncle Norton the Elephant (Muppetism)

Lucky & Unlucky Days

Sensho (先勝 Japan) [Good luck in the morning, bad luck in the afternoon.]

Umu Limnu (Evil Day; Babylonian Calendar; 40 of 60)

Premieres

Animal Crackers (Film; 1930)

Cain's Jawbone, by E. Powys Mathers (Novel/Puzzle; 1934)

Come Clean, by Puddle of Mudd (Album; 2001)

The Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas (Novel; 1844)

Do the Evolution, by Pearl Jam (Animated Music Video; 1998)

54 (Film; 1998)

Flying Leathernecks (Film; 1951)

Gallipoli (Film; 1981)

Get Rich Quick Porky (WB LT Cartoon; 1937)

Honeymoon in Vegas (Film; 1992)

I Have a Dream, by Martin Luther King Jr. (Speech; 1963)

Let’s Get It On, by Marvin Gaye (Album; 1973)

Lohengrin, by Richard Wagner (Opera; 1850)

Mary of Scotland (Film; 1936)

Mickey’s Follies (Disney Cartoon; 1929)

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (TV Series; 1993)

Narcos (TV Series; 2015)

The New Mutants (Film; 2020)

Perri (Disney Film; 1957)

Personal, 19th Jack Reacher book, by Lee Child (Novel; 2014)

Phineas and Verb the Movie: Candace Against the Universe (Animated Film; 2020)

Private Lessons (Film; 1981)

Q. Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!, by Devo (Album; 1978)

Rope (Film; 1948)

Smile, by Katy Perry (Album; 2020)

Song of the Thin Man (Film; 1947)

Studio 54 (Film; 1998)

Tease for Two (WB LT Cartoon; 1965)

Travelling Without Moving, by Jamiroquai (Album; 1996)

The Truth About Mother Goose (Disney Cartoon; 1957)

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (Film; 1992)

Victoria (TV Series; 2016)

Walk This Way by Aerosmith (Song; 1975)

Yankee Doodle Bugs (WB LT Cartoon; 1954)

Today’s Name Days

Adelinde, Aline, Augustin (Austria)

Augustin, Tin (Croatia)

Augustýn (Czech Republic)

Augustinus (Denmark)

August, Gustav, Kustas, Kustav, Kusti, Kusto (Estonia)

Tauno (Finland)

Augustin, Elouan (France)

Adelinde, Aline, Augustin, Vivian (Germany)

Damon (Greece)

Ágoston (Hungary)

Agostino, Ermete (Italy)

Auguste, Guste, Ranna (Latvia)

Augustinas, Patricija, Steigvilė, Tarvilas (Lithuania)

Artur, August (Norway)

Adelina, Aleksander, Aleksy, Augustyn, Patrycja, Sobiesław, Stronisław (Poland)

Augustín (Slovakia)

Agustín (Spain)

Fatima, Leila (Sweden)

Agustin, August, Augusta, Augustina, Austen, Austin, Austina, Austyn, Gus, Gustava, Gustavo (USA)

Today is Also…

Day of Year: Day 240 of 2024; 125 days remaining in the year

ISO: Day 1 of week 35 of 2023

Celtic Tree Calendar: Coll (Hazel) [Day 21 of 28]

Chinese: Month 7 (Geng-Shen), Day 13 (Wu-Wu)

Chinese Year of the: Rabbit 4721 (until February 10, 2024)

Hebrew: 11 Elul 5783

Islamic: 11 Safar 1445

J Cal: 30 Hasa; Nineday [30 of 30]

Julian: 15 August 2023

Moon: 92%: Waxing Gibbous

Positivist: 16 Gutenberg (9th Month) [Mariotte]

Runic Half Month: Rad (Motion) [Day 1 of 15]

Season: Summer (Day 68 of 94)

Zodiac: Virgo (Day 7 of 32)

Calendar Changes

Rad (Motion) [Half-Month 17 of 24; Runic Half-Months] (thru 9.9)

[hasspartacusdoneanythingwrong]

"I'm the count of Monte Cristo!" "YOU RULE A FUCKING SANDWICH???"

since theres a vague chance that order call might have some divine comedy guys show up i thought id redraw a very old comic about confusing peoples names

[purplesurveys]

1593

do you like candy corn? It’s nowhere near as terrible as some people make them out to be, but the taste is also...boring? For me it’s just some chewyish candy with an forgettable taste. I definitely wouldn’t have an idea what to do if I suddenly had a sack of candy corn given to me.

favorite halloween candy? I never really ‘celebrated’ Halloween by collecting candy, and I never viewed candy as a Halloween thing. I just have them all year round.

do you like pickled vegetables? I like kimchi and pickled radish but that’s about it. favorite fruit? least favorite fruit? Favorite would be avocado, which is the only fruit I care to eat really. I don’t like fruits in general but I’d say my least favorite out of the ones I’ve tried is mango. Flavor sticks out way too much. Also not too keen on pineapple and grapes.

what is the strangest food combination you like? Sausage and marshmallow on a stick might sound weird to others but it’s a staple in birthday parties here, so I’ll go with that.

what is your favorite snack? French fries, corndogs, and takoyaki.

what did you have for lunch today? I skipped lunch, as always.

do you usually eat breakfast? No, I don’t. I usually consume just coffee; the only times I have breakfast are on the weekends, or if I’m on vacation and the accommodation has a breakfast buffets.

favorite dipping sauce for chicken strips? Any mayo-based dip, really.

do you like sweet potato fries? I looooove anything sweet potato; it’s one of my most recent food faves. When it comes to fries, though, I prefer the original.

least favorite vegetable? Ampalaya even though I’ve never tried it. I’m just scared of how bitter it can possibly be. Otherwise I love veggies.

favorite vegetable? Green beans, spinach, and broccoli.

do you like chocolate and mint together? Love me some mincho.

have you ever dipped fries in a milkshake? Yeah. I dip them in hot fudge sundae too.

favorite flavor of gum? Whatever. I’m not too picky; the flavor fades out after like 20 chews anyway.

what was your favorite food as a kid? I was a VERY picky eater as a kid, and I can just imagine the many headaches I gave my elders when they’d try to feed me. That said, I didn’t have a long list of favorite food and I only liked to eat eggs and hotdogs. And fast food spaghetti lol. I had a hard time swallowing anything else.

favorite fast food place? Jollibee and KFC.

favorite soda? Sprite if I had a gun to my head.

least favorite soda? All of them.

do you like sweet or unsweet tea? Uhhh I like the artificial/powdered iced tea that’s common where I live, wherever that falls under.

how do you like your coffee? (or do you drink coffee at all?) My palate for coffee is pretty flexible and I’m fine taking it either black or filled with stuff that’d make it sweeter. That said, my go-to coffee orders are Americanos and caramel macchiato.

do you like bubble tea? If that’s the same as what we call milk tea, then yeah. Weirdly enough though, I prefer it without the pearls; I just like milk tea for the taste of the tea itself. I don’t like how I have to chew on something that doesn’t even taste like anything hahaha.

do you like curry? I LOVE curry. Give me all the kinds and all the spice levels known to man.

favorite type of cuisine? Anything from Asia is a favorite but my top cuisines would be Indian, Korean, Thai, and Indonesian. Japanese would count but I feel like I get just sushi and ramen most of the time so I don’t think it’s deserving of a podium finish ha.

favorite sandwich? Monte Cristos.

favorite cheese? Mozzarella, burrata, and feta.

have you ever been vegan or vegetarian? No. I went through a period where I wanted to switch to a vegan diet, but that was easily squashed when I realized how inaccessible such a lifestyle is here. I still go for vegan options whenever I can, but I don’t think I can ever be fully so.

favorite breakfast cereal? I like Oreo O’s and Cookie Crisps but I am most likely to eat them on its own. Don’t like it when cereal gets soggy and starts tasting like nothing.

what do you eat when you're sick? I rarely get sick, so I haven’t developed a comfort meal.

favorite thanksgiving dish? Yeah, about that...

favorite salad dressing? Idk I just go for spicy mayo all the time.

what are you currently craving? Chocolate chip cookies.

Snickers or Milky Way? Snickers. 

have you ever had chocolate covered gummy bears? No, but I’m open to trying even though it sounds kinda odd!

pulp or no pulp orange juice? I haven’t had one with, so I’ll go with without.

beans or no beans in your chili? I never have chili. Not common here.

favorite burger condiments? Again, anything mayo-based hahaha.

do you like peanut butter? Oh yeah, I love peanut butter flavored anything and only back off if it’s mixed in with banana.

what flavor of jelly/jam is your favorite? Guava.

favorite flavor of potato chips? Just plain. But on fries, I like barbecue powder.

how do you like your eggs cooked? Scrambld or sunny side up.

favorite kind of soup? Creamy mushroom soup for. days.

do you like cold pizza? Love it. I had a couple of slices of pizza fresh out the fridge just last night.

do you like sour candy? I’ll pick some when offered, but I’d never buy candy on my own.

what food do you absolutely refuse to eat? There’s nothing I wouldn’t try at least once, except for most fruits.

[doctorslippery]

(via (3) crosses so many borders : religiousfruitcake)

Once we get beyond the implication of them talking about their daughter’s vag and the attack on Taylor, just for the sake of attacking her, assholes, we run across this in the comment stream. 

God, I love the internet. Thank you, thick sandwich lover.

...I love all sandwiches. I’ve seen many sandwiches and would love to see more. And have appreciated everyone that I’ve been invited to take a taste of. 

Not blowing my own horn, not a sandwich king...maybe the Count of Monte Sandwich. 

[ami-ven]

Happy National Monte Cristo Day!