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youmightaswell · 5 months ago

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Die!

THE COUCHHUNTER

This could easily be a 10-part essay series. I could do several TED Talks about couch hunting.

That couch lasted me nearly 10 years. It was perfect in that it was black and white and fit perfectly in with my highly specific design aesthetic.

Then about three years ago I wanted to replace it. It was old and I wanted a change. But still a black and white patterned sofa. This sounds simple but it is not. There aren’t many black and white patterned sofas and there are even less that will fit in this apartment building.

If you recall three years ago, on this COUCH HUNT, I settled on a vintage Versace custom couch formerly owned by boxer Mike Tyson. I initially didn’t even know it had some celeb cachet. I simply was thrilled it was a black and white giraffe print in velvet. It was up for auction and when I talked with the seller I found out it was actually being sold by Mike Tyson’s ex-wife. She had just sold their estate and the furniture was sent to the auction house for sale.

Anyway, I learned the hard way about my building’s size constraint when the couch arrived after a costly shipment from MD. I coined this whole experience COUCHGATE for the struggle and scandal that ensured. It didn’t fit in the elevator or up the stairs. It had to be driven all the way back to MD. You probably remember that over the course of that next month I negotiated it a bit cheaper, re-paid for it to be shipped up again and this time had the Couch Doctor at the ready to hack it apart in my lobby, carry up the pieces and then seamlessly reconstruct it in my apt. It worked, but not without tears. The couch doctor wanetd $4,000 to do this. WTF? I negotiated down to $1300 for the surgery, but in retrospect it was way too much. I could have gone with another place for $700. Anyway, live and learn.

After months of hassle I was finally victorious and had the behemoth safely ensconced in my living room. But did I really win? Nah. Turns out the couch is problematic like all my relationship. It is the most uncomfortable couch in the world. It’s stiff like sitting on a park bench. So while it is sturdy – I had a sagging couch – it it not conducive to vegging and watching a long movie or binge-watching a show. More so, the fabric bleeds. So it cannot be spot cleaned as the dye runs from the black to the white areas, discoloring them. I knew there was some bleeding and water damage on the back of the couch, but it is up against my wall so I didn’t care. But recently the dog threw up on it and I had to clean it and now the front has dye marks too. Ugh.

When it first came to me the first point of business was to have it cleaned. But cleaners turned it down saying the fabric could not be cleaned by the normal methods. What should cost $200 would start at $2000 for a dry cleaning. I opted not to throw more money into the couch as I already hated it. But after such a costly mistake I kept it more as an art piece than as a utilitarian piece of furniture.

Another issue: When the couch originally had to go back into storage at the auction site in MD they stored it in a musty warehouse and it came back to me smelling of mold. I originally thought to myself that I hoped some how much apartment wouldn’t be infected with mold from it. The couch itself has no signs of mold, but the musty smell bothered me. Febreeze fixed it but still, what invisible horror lurked without. Two years later I am suffering from mold illness. I’m not saying it’s from the couch. I had my hvacs analyzed and there are four types of mold and mycotoxins in them. I live in an old NYC apartment building so of course there’s some mold/mycotoxins. Most people with healthy immune systems would not have any reaction, but a chronic Lyme sufferer with a severe immune disorder is strongly affected.

Logically I don’t think the couch caused any of that, but the association between it and mold and those original thoughts causes me stress.

This a long-winded way of saying it’s time for Mike Tyson’s Versace couch to go .

It’s not an easy process. I have to order a new couch – and the hunt for a black and white patterned couch is still a challenge – and then figure out the least costly way of hacking this thing apart and getting it out of here. It’s super heavy so it’s going to take more than one man to do this. I don’t want to pay another $1300 and won’t. I don’t need it reconstructed, just deconstructed. I’m hoping staff in my building can do it, but it will still cost a few hundred for them to spend a few hours taking it apart and carrying it to the garbage area in the basement or outside if scheduled on garbage day.

But I have to time things correctly so that I’m not left couchless for months waiting for a new one to arrive.

So I systematically have searched for the least month and know every.single.black and white-patterned fabric offered on couches that could fit in the apartment.

There are only a few candidates and most have been ruled out.

A plain black couch would work but black is too dark for my tiny space. An off-white couch would be ideal and super easy to find, but I have a dog and it would get dirty in a minute. A red couch is impossible as I have a red 1960s coffee table and not only would it be impossible to match that specific red, it’d be too much red.

So, the only way to go is a black and white pattern.

There are only three placed I’ve found with the right fabric offered on a couch under 83 inches.

This is where Season Two of COUCHGATE debuted. [For anyone who follows me on IG, you have seen my IG stories. Each day I post a different episode in the COUCHGATE series.]

The first was THE INSIDE. They have a great black and white stripe material (Ink Cabana). The issue is their couch styles I love that are modern and cool are all too big to fit in my elevator. They do have ONE style that would fit perfect. But it’s a boring English Roll Arm couch. Still, to have the black and white stripe that matches my wallpaper and curtains exactly would be great. I’m willing to sacrifice couch style for the right fabric. However, while that fabric is offered on every other couch style they sell, it’s not for the English Roll Arm. They have no customer service number and their only bots were not helpful. I reached out the their PR team explaining I am a reporter covering NYC living topics (totally true!) and they responded quickly. They said this fabric should be available for that sofa style by mid-July. They even sent me a swatch and it was great. Also it’s easily spot cleaned with a water-based cleaner and also can be professionally steam cleaned cheaply. WIN! In June they are running a 20% off everything sale! The couch that would come to $3000 would be around $2400! I asked if they’d honor the 20% off for me in July seeing I’m ready to place and pay for the order now but their site doesn’t yet allow that combo. As it is even when I place the order the actual couch wouldn’t be here till at least October. Their PR team said yes and their customer service team said no. I have the yes in writing so I’ll fight that battle when and if the combo really becomes available in mid-July.

I also saw that a brand owned by this same company, Interior Define, has a black and white stripe Cabana fabric as well! Sadly it is only for outdoor furniture, but I’d consider an outdoor couch. They only have one model in a size that would work. But oddly even though this fabric says: FOR ALL OUTDOOR FURNITURE ONLY, when I tried to order the couch online it says the outdoor sofa isn’t offered in it. What circle hell is this? Again, I reached out - to PR - and they finally called me and said it turns out they jumped the gun putting that fabric style on their site and it won’t be offered on any outdoor furniture at all until mid-July. Again, they sent me the outdoor fabric and it’s great. It looks the same as the other but is more durable and even more easily cleaned. It’s pet-friendly as well. All great things. I need to visit the NYC showroom to see if I can sit on that style of outdoor couch to see if it’d be comfortable and not look too out of place indoors. They said it’s the same style as an indoor one offered so it should be fine. It’s quite pricey and will come to about $3100. alt text

It’s 84” and I’m scared that might be an inch too big to fit inside. Ugh. It’s an option but still leaning towards THE INSIDE one.

I saw a bunch of vintage ones online and one I loved - It’s the right size and black and white floral but has gold flowers too. Gold might disrupt the blk/wh/red theme and it’s too iffy to chance it without seeing it in person, but it’s in another state so it’s a no-go.

It’s 84” and I’m scared that might be an inch too big to fit inside. Ugh. It’s an option but still leaning towards THE INSIDE one.

I also saw a sofa online in plain off white but it has completely removable, washable covers so that could work, but the reviews said it is a very low back and more of a place to lay down – it opens to a bed–than to sit. I am going to visit that showroom this week but it seems unlikely I’d get it. It’s too low, the back is too low. I do like replacement covers can also be purchased for just $400. But probably a no.

[I also thought about getting a cheap Shein sofa in cream or black - these you can put together yourself so no size issue. They are about $650 and come within a week and are returnable. This isn’t a permanent solution, but would do for a season so I could work on getting rid of the Versace, and put in a cheap cream on as a placeholder till I found THE ONE. I am still thinking about doing this and even though sold on Shein, others places like Amazon and Bed Bath and Beyond have the same one for double the price. I have seen videos and pictures of it in people’s homes and everyone says it a good couch - comfortable, easy to put together. But more on this in a separate entry bc I got the GENIUS idea of buying two – one in black and one in cream and construction one from parts of each to MAKE A BLACK AND WHITE COUCH. Insane or brilliant? We shall see… TBC in a later entry.)

Which leads me to my last possibility that is an essay onto itself: CB2..

CB2 offers one black and white patterned fabric and six sofas in the size I need. The fabric is prominently highlighted on their site. All the prices and sizes of the 6 options were doable so I headed down to CB2 last week to go see the fabric in person and also sit on the 6 options. Seemed simple enough. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, everything.

(TBC)

Before I continue about my CB2 visit, what do you think? Thoughts? Which do you like if any?

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