#cos i hate driving
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remember the e/R vampire fic I mentioned I was writing? yeah. (don't be fooled they get worse)
#les mis#grantaire#enjolras#enjoltaire#I have like 3 eR fics saved on my drive but I hate them I think they are BAD#which is a shame cos one of them got 29 pages OOPS#showing the internet ur writing is so embarrassing cos like. here are my thoughts and language skills I guess
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hee hee hoo hoo bomb cyclone this week so i will probably not have power for a day or two ✌ hope it doesn't stress the kits out too much, they are doing so good but also wimdy can freak the little guys out a lot
#ag talk#bomb cyclone is like...hurricane without the rain. if that makes sense#Big Wimd but usually not very rainy#not my favourite but i prefer it over thunder and driving rain#anyway i'm not really concerned cos our utility guys are great at prepping for wind season and my structures are stable#except i guess the shitty garage/shed but like. we hate that thing anyway#i got a woodstove like 13 gallons of gas for the generator and books on my kindle#just hope the instant pot can finish before we're in the dark lol
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nhl all-star feat. auston matthews
#does he want another dog i can bark#i can wear a [dragged away]#if you saw me say this no you did not okay. thanks.#mine#these are terrible im not tagging them#aus.gif#oh my god i hope i see this tomorrow and it reminds me to go through my gif tag and organise them properly i'm driving myself mad#i was never suPPOSED TO GIF IT JUST HAPPENED AND I DIDN'T DEVELOP A PROPER TAGGING SYSTEM AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT#k bye#if you read down to this part the second tag is that i can wear a co-[dragged away again]
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every time i come back to my home town, i have this unexplainable sense of dread -particularly in the wintertime. i feel like the demons of lifetimes past still live here, still wait for me in frost-bitten fields and air so dry it hurts to breathe and these ever-changing and somehow always stagnant city streets.
here i am still a child playing in the cul-de-sac, a teenager sneaking out at night, a college student taking long drives in the middle of the night, a med student holed up in a library for hours days weeks at a time. all the mistakes and growing pains and memories of who i was, of the grave i clawed my way out of are still out here, corpses laying out in the open visible to only me. 'we tried to kill you,' they say. 'we miss you.' they say. 'why don't you lay down in this cold cold earth.'
leaving your home town does not fix things, but it certainly makes the weight of the life you lived less suffocating
#i am dramatically writing this from my childhood bedroom as i avoid driving downtown for my conference#sigh. i left seven years ago and every time i come back i just... dont want to be here#i thought it might pass with time but it really hasn't#how do i tell my co-fellows that i'm going out with tonight that oh year we're going to be walking through my college campus#and being there makes me physically sick to my stomach#that the reason i can't really recommend things to do locally is because i sincerely hate being here#that knowing i'm in the same state as my old friends my old exs my own LIFE is just. urgh#anyway there is nothing objectively wrong with this state or place. its actually beautiful and quite popular to live in#and i looked into coming back here for a full time job just because mine and my partners entire families still live here#but seriously that sense of dread in me is just. its illogical. but it has not gone away#ANYWAY. YAY LETS GO TO MY CONFERENCE AND HAVE MONTAGES OF 26 YEARS OF SELF-DESTRUCTIVE TRAUMA#lol. lmao even.#anyway. when do i get to write my fic.
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whenever I tell someone I don't really love having a fully remote job I feel like suuuuuch a loser and I can feel them judging me and I also hate myself for letting the side down but honestly being alone with my thoughts and unfettered access to the internet all day is not good for me!
#people who say they hate people have become completely alien to me. I would love to be irritated by external forces for my own enrichment#paying for a co-working space seems like a huge ripoff and sitting in a coffee shop all day is embarrassing#but the loneliness and boredom is driving me quite literally insaneeeee#the banality of the work doesn't help ofc
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for a person who draws for a living, i have a very hard time imagining characters
#i can finally draw sherlock & co fanart but i'm having a real awful time trying to come up with what they look like#i have a perfect vibe in my head but vibes are not pictures!!#dfkjghkfdg#i just can't deal with my stupid brain sometimes#dkfjgdfg#it's like trying to remember a dream#like at some point i had what they look like clear in my brain but not anymore#and it's driving me crazy!!#dkfjhkdfg#i'm sure i have that thing where you don't see pictures but like in a very mild way kjfddfg#i hate it!#i'm an illustrator for god's sake! let me illustrate!!!!#dfkjghdfg#angel talks#personal
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eek. my order is here
#our post comrade.#its my day off. Fuck all to do but shop or go to the library#ive never been in a hot topic before. i am hoping i can find a couple more mini cows there#i didnt show you guys my micromallow cleary :] hes tiny and cute and im obsessed with him#i usually hate when plushies come with a name and bio cause i want to pick it out but i thought his was sooo funny hes a tiny strawberry co#and his bio says he loves to enter monster truck shows and drive his friends around in then#I LOVE HIM. he's JUST like ME#also he's a cow but a boy. Transgener?#claires charges way too much for everything but if i saw like a 6 inch of him that was decently stuffed (all the ones ive seen were too#flat for me) i would be tempted.
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something i love about lawrence van helsing is how he is a protector... and how his strength lies in his compassion for others. his love and care for other people are what makes him truly strong. all he wants to do is make people feel better.
he is such a tragic figure, really, because he's always putting on a brave face for others. he's always putting others before himself. ever the selfless hero. but there is definitely something to be said about him neglecting himself and basing his worth on his importance to others by his actions.
#he's supposed to be the straight laced traditionally masculine action hero but the core of his character is very#emotionally driven. i feel like a lot of people don't give him credit about that. he doesn't just get the bad guy#because 'it's the right thing to do' or because he just really hates the bad guy. and he is partially motivated by those things.#his primary motivation is to protect and defend others. because he cares about their physical and mental health and well being.#and it drives me a little insane. his strengths are that he is caring and compassionate and merciful.#mfw the hero is the hero because he has goodness in his heart 😳#myevilposts#hammer#dracula#he went out of his way to console a scared little girl all the while dracula and co are fucking around. because he cared.#and he helped the baroness meinster commit what is essentially an assisted suicide. because he cared.#suicide tw#for the mention
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honestly the increase in follower count is making me p anxious :/
#see i put out a lot of content rn cos im not in uni yet and work is pretty chill abt hours#so once im busy im gonna. be not as active but ill still feel pressured to post and all#and i hate seeing unanswered asks in my inbox so thatll drive me mad#i mean i appreciate the support but yea it drives me crazy i wish this blog stayed small frvr so i could come and cry about my stupid#brainrots and run off immediately
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Horror icon Ingrid Pitt guest stars as enemy agent Elayna in The Adventurer: Double Exposure (1.20, ITC, 1973)
#fave spotting#ingrid pitt#the adventurer#itc#1973#classic tv#double exposure#episode 20 in transmission order but among the first produced I assume; I'm following Network's dvd order in watching (almost certainly the#prod. order) but I'll refer to these eps by transmission order because im an awful dullard. yes‚ The Adventurer. truth be told‚ i saw a#single episode of this series quite a few years ago on Network's 50 yrs of ITC set and it didn't really inspire me to ever seek the rest#of the series out... but with Network's passing (rip forever in our hearts) I've found myself picking up some titles I'd held off on bc of#the very real possibility that a series like this may never see another commercial release. the guest star spots were enough for me to#swing for this once i found it cheap enough (and i had to hunt bc I wasn't paying a lot for something i was fairly certain would be bad)#and... it isn't great. it isn't as bad as i expected either. it's ok. Gene Barry's lead character (the imaginatively named Gene Bradley) is#a truly absurd character: he's a world famous film star who also happens to be the greatest secret agent‚ and of course a successful#business man (also ace pilot‚ award winning racing driver‚ peerless sportsman etc etc etc). that he's played by a visibly tired looking 50#something Gene B is another thing entirely (as is Gene's... variable performance; reputedly a nightmare on set‚ who was hated by co stars#writers and directors alike‚ he also insisted on idiot boards to read his lines from). ITC‚ having spent record amounts of money making The#Persuaders at the start of the decade‚ were attempting something of an economy drive at this point; thus the switch back to 25 minute eps#after 50 had become their standard‚ as well as now shooting on cheaper (and inferior) 16mm film instead of 35mm; by the by that's why these#images are relatively awful. shot on cheap stock‚ and never undergoing the same revival of interest as other contemporary itc shows‚ The#Adventurer presumably languished in film cans somewhere and network appear to have done little to nothing in terms of restoration on the#series‚ with it looking far worse than any of their other itc releases. but then i suppose it was always going to be a niche release..
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i've been listening to Paper Mario and Mario & Luigi soundtracks at work recently (and the Super Mario RPG OST as well) and i've gotta ask. Why is Thousand Year Door's soundtrack Like That (derogatory)
#i'm not sure i'm necessarily looking for answers#but i was literally sitting there baffled as to why my brain fucking hated most of the songs in the playlist#i'm torn between it being the lack of (hummable) melodies or there only being like 5 instruments total#which makes everything sound the same in this...Ambient Synth Mush#its wild because the PM64 and SPM soundtracks are perfectly fine. It's just this one that drives me bonkers for some reason#and i cant tell if i'm biased or not#TTYD has always felt to me like a generic fantasy rpg that they dropped Mario and co into at the last possible second#i feel like the soundtrack exemplifies that#especially with the underground theme in the titular TYD whose idea was that and why not use that prologue tune#i like that prologue tune (it plays when the crystal stars do their 'unite the world' thing also)#its one of the few tunes i remember lmao#i think its the only melody that pushes through as a motif/theme and plays more than once in the playlist#(please god someone correct me) (does grubba's theme persist at least? the train songs? the x-nauts and grodus? I couldnt tell...)#mlv.txt#also pour one out for the Superstar saga remake ost#god.#that poor thing.
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awks….. this is the same bus driver that was driving 8472 mph while my totebag was stuck in the door 😑
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Ok one more thing.
#all the people in the notes going Ohh ukraine is just a nato pawn for the us proxy war dontcher know#'why should the us care about fucking ukraine' was a word for word post i saw#its ok folks you dont have to spell it out i know yall dont care anyway i just have to look at the url with marx in it or the hammer and#sickle in the icon or all the communism fairytale rapture ideology on yalls blogs#and before yall come for me i am not a goddamn right winger or whatever you call them over there i just hate communists cos they killed#half my family. and yaknow half my country too.#i knew personally people who've died in this war I've lost family to the ussr regime and I'm one of the lucky ones#because my parents are safe. but my grandmother? uncle? three baby cousins? any next air strike could be it#this shit isn't easy and i truly don't understand why people think it's ok to go out there and present their moralistic arguments#for why we should all just be left to die because of the worst people in our country. the vast minority. as if theur countries are better#this holier than thou attitude drives me up the fucking wall it really does#anyway. im done with this for tonight#if anyone feels like debating this with me i invite you to shove your head even further up your ass so i don't have to hear your bullshit#war in ukraine
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Would it be socially acceptable to say I’m going to hex everyone who came into my works lobby tonight. Drive thru was fine. Just the mfs in the lobby.
#i had a break down#twice#cried both times#but was like hiding it#to my best efforts anyway#i was so exhausted#in every way possible#i hadn’t eaten all day#we were severely understaffed#two other people working aside from me#we were behind on all orders#but for some reason didn’t lock the lobby like we usually do#when my friend was talking to me through the drive thru window#she brought me food#and I cried to her about my shift#that was the third cry actually#held my head in my hands manically#crying#it was awful#i hate my job sometimes#first time in three years where I was genuinely one inconvenience away from walking out#the first time I started crying I almost walked out#was going to go to the bathroom but like#the grind never stops (my manager would’ve been pissed)#my co worker apologized to me profusely because my food that I was going to take home wasn’t ready by the time I clocked out#i was literally working off the clock for like 15 minutes because I couldn’t just fucking leave#because I was waiting on my food but also the food for customers would’ve been ruined and would have to be remade#because I’m a nice person#sigh#mj yaps
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#just a bog standard#5 door car#i’m only doing this cos i hate where i sit jow#used to be back left#now it’s back right#unless im driving in my own car
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I feel like crying.
#dragon's stupid thoughts#today sucked#first that shit with the docs appointment - this happened already once before and I think it was the same receptionist and I think she#remembered last time too. fucking sucks TWICE AS MUCH#then my gold randomizer didn't want to work the way I wanted it to#the magmatoar in my fire type only brilliant diamond run disobeys me cuz it's traded#and the worst of all: my co intern at work#she makes me always feel so miserable#the way she's ''jokingly mocking'' me drives me crazy. and then she's always like ''omg. don't take everything so seriously 😒😒🙄🙄''#*while playing minecraft* she: 'oooh i see your house! your house that's made out of wood! and i coincidentally have a flint stone with me!#and when I told her to stay away she got offended and told me i can't take a joke#i think this was yesterday#today she was telling the teen i was playing with to punch me so i fall down#previously (some weeks ago. the first ones of the internship even?) she told like every teen that we were playing with to attack and kill m#I've already mentioned the uno one once but. where she sets up rules which obviously malefit me specifically#if you ask ''whos turn is it'' you have to draw a punishment card#this rule just makes me say nothing anymore. fuck you. i won't say a thing every again.#i feel like an idiot because of her#i already have a low self esteem / confidence and then denying that my beanie hat add coolness to me (for me) just makes me feel awful#makes me feel like a clown#i feel like trash thanks to her. hope you're happy and found some joy in making fun of me. in ridiculing me.#i fucking hated today but heeeyyyy at least i started the comic!! joy..#[ETA:#all of this made me wish once again that I have some SO waiting for me at home. that they are excited and happy to see me.#then we'll drink hot chocolate together. on a couch getting all cozy with fluffy blankets. cuddling and snuggling. while I tell them about#my day. then I'll watch them play something. maybe animal crossing. and I'll be slowly falling asleep on their shoulder. then they'll lift#me up and carry me to my bed and tug me in. and like just in general make me feel loved and valued#is this too much to ask for#]
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