#coping with losing multiple friends is really hard

[mekanikaltrifle]

Still not properly back yet but I'm not dead or anything, just putting that for clarity's sake. Hope youse are all having a good winter so far. Trying to make mine better, but I don't enjoy Christmas time much (for various reasons I'm not getting into. Also cause I'm not a Christian)

If you've got me on discord, you know the rest etc etc

[aloesarchives]

Two for the Price of One (JJK Oneshot)

TW/Warnings: Profanity, NOT POLY SATOSUGU X READER, Fem Reader and She/Her pronouns, ANGST, Angst for Satoru and Reader, Bittersweet ending for Suguru and Reader, HIGHKEY MISCOMMUNICATION, Possible OOC Satoru, abandonment issues if you squint really hard, Reader slowly losing herself, Reader feeling depression/hopeless(implicit), Reader's has a healthy dynamic with her clan

Series: Jujutsu Kaisen

Pairing: Satoru Gojo x Fem!Reader/Suguru Geto x Fem!Reader

AU: Canon

Pronouns: She/Her(Reader's clan has a unrealistic healthy and understanding relationship with her)

Word Count: 6.1k words

Summary: Gojo's lack of coping caused you to drift away and eventually depart after Suguru's defection from Jujutsu Society.

(A/N): I know it doesn't make sense and will make many frustrated with how dumb this is. I just wanted to write my emotions out with this one, okay? I know this wouldn't slide but I'm a sucker for these scenarios. Edit: Since I've been getting positive reactions from you guys, I decided to take out the cringe/unrealistic out of the warning/tws lists. I truly love and appreciate you, loves!❤️

[!!Semi-edited & Proofread!!! 2/8/2024 4:04pm CST]

It was hard on all of you.

More so for you and Satoru.

Ever since Geto’s massacre and defection, the higher-ups and Jujutsu society have been scrambling to get the chaos under control. Having a special grade user become a curse user was sounding red alarms as there was an immediate threat to present-day Jujutsu sorcery.

You knew something was up with Suguru. You did; your observation wouldn’t allow things to go unnoticed. It was a bit here and there, but never a significant concern. You tried coaxing him gradually to open up to you, but your efforts were fruitless. No bells were ringing until the post-Plasma Star Vessel incident. You felt the shift in Suguru’s aura; you noticed his lifeless stare—the growing dark circles around his eyes surrounding the tiny flicker of life left inside. 

You tried being there for Suguru. You did anything and everything to accompany him and not leave him alone. It was selfish of you. To be desperate for your best friend to lean on you for support and not to go down a destructive path. You became even more worried when Haibara returned cold with a frustrated and traumatized Nanami. It was becoming more evident of Suguru’s deteriorating condition, you to confide in Shoko and even Yaga-sensei. 

Grief is like love, a twisted parasitic curse. Even though a year has passed, your grief was a malevolent spirit that latched itself onto your shoulders with a vice grip. A bitter reminder of how Suguru never said goodbye to you. He technically did with Satoru. But it was more of him telling Satoru that he was severing ties with Jujutsu Society by questioning him with his newfound powers. All you got from Suguru was a simple letter Shoko gave you at your dorm. She was with you as you read it. Tear droplets stained the paper, words smeared, and became unreadable. Out of pure frustration, you ripped the paper in half—the tearing of paper cut through the sickening silence. Shoko hugged you as you sobbed in the aftermath. While you were mourning the loss of your friend and your lives together, you were also mourning your life after this would never be the same. It would only get worse from here. 

 Satoru is tossed onto multiple missions left and right, never catching a break.

And there was you, trying to return to your regular school life. Or how every day can it be now? One of your best friends just murdered an entire village and his parents, and the other one is overworking himself to the very bone. Shoko being there for you was a surprising one, but at the same time, it wasn’t. Given that she was the first one Suguru said goodbye to, she understood his actions.

The problem was trying to tell Satoru about it, but he would brush it off, saying that maybe it was the change in weather or sickness. When you tried to explain there was more to it, Satoru would wave his hand at you, saying, 

“You’re overthinking too much, (Y/N)-chan! I’m sure Suguru is fine. We just have to give him some time.”

Though the tone was light-hearted, it provided no comfort. You know Satoru was suffering as well. Individuals process trauma differently, after all. You were seeing this first hand. 

Satoru was overcompensating to the world of Jujutsu with his enlightenment, overworking himself and burying his pain through that charismatic mask he now dons. Suguru is the most common one: Insomnia, isolation, and depression. He slowly became a lifeless husk. On the other hand, you were coping by trying to move forward while acting like a rock for them. Despite the hard transition, you didn’t deny your trauma as you slowly worked to process and navigate through it. You had the support of Shoko, your teacher, and even your clan/family stepped in to support your mental health endeavors. They went as far as providing you with a therapist, who was also a sorcerer.

But you all were suffering in silence.

A year has passed since Suguru left, and you were getting by. You, Shoko, and Satoru would graduate in the third year and officially become Jujutsu Sorcerers. Yet, at this point, it felt more like only you and Shoko. Satoru still attended class and hung out, but missions mainly preoccupied his school life. He recently returned from Hokkaido, only to be sent out again. This time, however, it was somewhere in Western Europe. That’s on the other side of the world. It would only be for a week, but still. You wanted him to rest or take a break, as he never did– not since the incident.

He wouldn’t be leaving for another seven days, so you had enough time to be with him. Yet it was challenging because Satoru didn’t let up. The ravine he created kept opening, the distance stretching far and deep, pushing you away.

Just like Suguru.

You didn’t want to lose Satoru. You almost did, becoming a grim reminder of how much you cared for Satoru Suguru. To fall for your best friend was a betrayal. You didn’t mean it, but Satoru did things that made your heart warm and fluttered. Suguru was the first to catch on; he saw your crush a mile away. Confiding in Suguru about it, you found solace in his words– feeding into an enviable delusion. 

Unbeknownst to you, Suguru's eyes were able to hide his longing for you as you rambled about Satoru and your latest hangout together. Suguru always thought you and Satoru had a special connection—your two powerful chemistry and how you bounce off each other. He presumed Satoru had mutual feelings, but nothing was said. Once he left, he knew you had his heart. There was no space for anyone else to fill it but you. And Suguru was more than willing to live with reality. If the girl who gave his life light is with his best friend, so be it. He would settle with the heartache as long as you were happy.

But you weren’t happy at all.

Over time, you started questioning whether the life of a Jujutsu Sorcerer was worth it. Yes, you were born into the world of Jujutsu, and it has been your whole life. But the last two years radically changed that. You were already exposed to this life's dangers and cruelty; prepare to face it head-on no matter what. Yet second thoughts became third thoughts. Then, fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh. The more you challenge your initial mindset, the more doubts seep into its cracks.

Why should I continue when I am nothing more than a placeholder in this world?

How can I save everyone if I can’t save one person?

Where is the meaning in all of this if I’ll just die alone and be replaced and forgotten?

Was this endless cycle of Jujutsu Sorcery even worth it?

You wondered if Suguru shared the same thoughts to push him to his decision. Now, you don’t blame him for leaving at all. It was grime. It was depravity. It was futile. You only stayed because you had your clan. You had Yaga-sensei and Shoko. But most of all, you had Satoru to shoulder the burdens of the Jujutsu world.

That’s. . .what you thought. . .

You decided to go to Satoru’s dorm to check up on him. Maybe squeeze a hangout in there. Gently knocking, you hope he was there since you couldn’t sense him around the campus. There was faint shuffling on the other side, signaling he was. You softly call out to him as you knock again. Once opened, Satoru greeted you in his school uniform. You found it odd since he’d switched to his comfortable clothes after school hours. 

“Hi, Toru! I just came by to see how you’re doing. The mochi store we always go to releases its seasonal flavors today! Why don’t you come with me? I heard one of your favorites returned, so I didn’t want you to miss it.”

“I appreciate the thought, (Y/N). But not today, I’m sorry.” Satoru said with a smile.

You couldn’t pinpoint his smile, tittering on, sad and strained. A tinge of uneasiness settled inside your heart, but you still wore your smile to not let it surface.

“C’mon, Toru! You don’t know if they will sell out today. Plus, the weather is great. I heard some festivals with food stands are opening up because of that. It wouldn’t hurt to go out just this once, Satoru.”

Satoru’s smile disappears at your insistence, replacing it with a fine line. His mood change didn’t sit well with you. You had previous attempts to get Satoru to care for himself. However, this is different from all your others because the band that holds your desperation began to wane itself thin. Your solid composure falters in bits. Your bright aura slowly dimmed as your now chapped lips twitched.

“Satoru, I know that you’re busy. Always on missions, meeting the higher-ups, your clan needing you more than ever, you have your hands tied. But it wouldn’t be too much just to enjoy yourself. Just come with me today before you go to Europe next week. It’s been a while since we hung out together.”

“Look (Y/N), I don’t really have time for this. I need to head out now, or it will get dark. Maybe another time–”

Then something inside of you snaps. You didn’t know whether it was your desperation or uneasiness, but assumed both because your facade crumbles to reveal your emotions.

“You always say later, Satoru, but never do! You haven’t taken a break in months! You’ve gotten paler, and your under-eyes are darker than before! You’re pushing yourself too hard and beginning to neglect yourself. Toru, Please! I’m worried about you! You know I can always help you–”

“For the love of God, (Y/N)! Can you STOP TALKING?! GOD, YOUR VOICE MAKES MY EARS BLEED! LIKE HELL YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND MY RESPONSIBILITIES!”

 It was never your intention to snap. But the way Satoru was acting paralleled Suguru. Eat, sleep, and go on missions. It was always those three, the same ones Suguru was subjected to that became a factor in his defection. Satoru was caught in the vicious cycle that pushed Suguru over the edge. 

On top of your crippling fear of Satoru sharing the same fate as Suguru, Déjà vu struck you. Desperation emerged from within as you didn’t want to lose him, breaking your resolve before him. Desperation was fear in another form. 

You weren’t the only one to reach a breaking point. Satoru snapped as well and at you, of all people. You guessed it was from all the stress and emotions he bottled up that exploded there. What Satoru was experiencing was valid and understandable; you knew this. Yet to blow up at you was uncalled for as you made it clear you’re only helping. Your eyes sting as you feel the formation of tears ready themselves, biting the inside of your bottom lip to keep your voice from breaking.

“B-but. . .Satoru. . .I w-was only trying to–” You stuttered out, forcibly pushing out words to fill the silence.

“Help? You were trying to help, (Y/N)?”

Once saying that Satoru let out a sarcastic laughter that could be mistaken for madness. Horror took over your face. Pain-filled eyes were glossed over, showing your tears could spill at any moment. His laughter abruptly stopped, making it so quiet that only your staggered breathing could be heard. He meets his eyes with yours with the most disdain you have ever seen.

“Do you think you could help when you’re just dead weight? You thought you were on par with Suguru and me. Get that out of your stupid little head of yours (Y/N). You were never strong like us.”

“You don’t mean that, right, Satoru?” You said incredulity as you reached out for him. Only for your hand to freeze before him, not going any further. A chill flashed over you, adding to the aching that enveloped your soul.

Did he– Did he just use his infinity on you?

“Oh, but I do. Now, I need to be somewhere. Do yourself a favor, (Y/N), and don’t bother me with your weak presence.”

And before you knew it, Satoru was already gone. He had used his teleportation to get to where he was needed. Leaving you alone with the door to his dorm wide open. The sounds of the crickets took over. They were paired with your small sniffles, furiously wiping away your nonstop tears. 

Were you weak to him?

Have you really been holding everyone back?

Were you that much of a nuisance to him?

Is this how Satoru really felt about you?

Has he always felt this way?

You never saw utter detest and contempt from Satoru. Your previous interactions had him irritated or annoyed, but never like this. This was the first time Satoru had blown up on you, let alone given you such a reaction. Before, you’d repeatedly remind him of your support and help. But it always ends the same way, pushing you away. After what happened, this will be the last time you’d do this for him. 

You were once told that you can’t help someone if they aren’t reaching out for help. And this was a bitter example of it. Your efforts in having Satoru lean on you bore nothing. What’s the point in continuing this if nothing changes after multiple attempts?

You were tired, drained, and indifferent. Your tears keep falling as you enter your dorm, not even stopping as the sound of nature lulls you to sleep. 

You let two days pass to let Satoru calm down and give him space. No interactions or anything to pass some time. You would try to contact him for the next four days after that. But your texts were left unanswered and on read. When you tried calling, your call went straight to voicemail. He blocked your phone number, too. 

 The weight of your doubts and Satoru’s words the other day are fueling your impulsivity. If Satoru called you weak and dead weight, other sorcerers would think so, too. If you become a thorn in their side, you’re doing them a favor by pulling yourself out for them. Even if Satoru didn’t mean it, you knew there was some truth to it because he kept his infinity up. You could never forget how his blue eyes lit through his pitch-dark glasses as he spoke down at you. Giving away that he was conscious and level-headed when he said those words.

You were losing the war against your intrusive mind. Your doubts and thoughts gradually solidified in your consciousness. In the course of time, they won and consumed your psyche.

If becoming a jujutsu sorcerer would get in the way of others, then being a sorcerer wasn’t for you.

With your last attempts to contact Satoru, you have made your decision. A day before Satoru departs for Europe, you decide to pay your clan head a visit. It was sudden and unannounced; nonetheless, they allowed an audience with you. 

They let you speak your mind, allowing whatever you need to be released and run free without judgment. Thus, you confided in them about everything.

This was too much; all of it was too much for you to bear any longer. You couldn’t see yourself as a sorcerer any longer after dealing with what you had experienced. Every day was a battle for you, and you lost every single one. You admitted you didn’t have what’s left of you it in you to shoulder the responsibilities of the Jujutsu world. You didn’t want the life of a jujutsu sorcerer anymore. You wanted one of peace, not having to fight every day. To enjoy the rest of your days as a regular civilian.

Confiding also in missing Suguru dearly and how his departure left a hole in your heart that could never be healed. You weren’t strong enough to face the horrors and hardships anymore and wish to live a peaceful life. 

Although your clan head was shocked at your confession, they were understanding and asked if this was something you truly wanted. An unwavering ‘Yes’ left you, and your clan head nodded. They gave you a choice: to go after graduation in a few weeks or leave now. If you leave now, they will deal with the rest as you finish the important schoolwork. It was just a waiting game with missions sprinkled throughout.

You could wait before leaving, but that’s wasting time. If you weren’t going to continue your life here, you might as well get a headstart now in your new one. You finalize your decision with the head. They said they would have some members pick up your stuff from your dorms tomorrow morning, but you said it wouldn’t be much. As you took your leave, you told them you would keep in touch with the clan. 

“What are your plans for what happens next, (Y/N)?” They curiously asked with your back facing them.

“Hmm, I don’t know exactly. But I have an idea, (Clan Head’s Name). Thank you for everything that you’ve done.”

With a reassuring voice, you turn to respectfully bow before leaving their room. Though they never said it out loud, they saw how your eyes were soft, like tremendous pressure was relieved from your body.

Thinking about it as you leave the estate, you never mentioned your fight with Satoru. Though it wouldn’t change anything. That night, you packed your dorm in your suitcase. Only leave your bedsheets, a pillow, and a few desk appliances behind. Your closet and drawers were empty of any clothes you had. By 10 a.m. tomorrow, any trace left of you would be gone. As you write a letter to whoever finds it about your whereabouts, your thoughts return to Suguru. To playfully think he did the exact same thing before his defection. 

You looked at your school uniform as it hung on your door. You contemplated taking it with you but decided against it. You wanted no strings left attached when you leave the world of Jujutsu Sorcery.

Morning came as you stared at the room you once called your own. The remainder of your things are packed in cardboard boxes for your clan members to get later. You glance back over to your desk as your school uniform is neatly folded on top of it. Your lips are graced with a sentimental smile as you close the door one last time. 

As you walked along the campus, fleeting memories of your days here flooded your mind. You reminisced on the areas and places you spent your youth with your friends and classmates. Now you’re leaving Jujutsu Tech and the Jujutsu World forever. Never to come back. You get to the main entrance of the school.

Before taking another step, you sensed someone behind you.

“So you're leaving, too, (Y/N)?”

It was Shoko.

“Yeah. . . Shoko. I’m going. . .”

She blows out a large smoke cloud from her cigarette, giving you a blank look before sending you a smile.

“At least say goodbye to me. . .I don’t blame you for going. . .” Shoko adds as she holds out her arms. You chuckle at her gesture and give her a hug. By the slight firm grip you felt, she didn’t want you to go, but she couldn’t stop you either.

Once you break away from the hug, you remember something and fish out a folded paper in your bag. You handed it to Shoko, and she eyed it curiously.

“I was going to leave it in my dorm for someone to find, but I thought it would work better if I gave this to you if I ran into it on my way out. My clan is sending members to get the last of my things, so I won’t return to my dorm. Sorry I had to make you the messenger again, Shoko.” You bittersweetly said.

You find it ironic that your departure is similar to Suguru’s. Shoko is the first to see you two go while giving her a letter for the others to read. You laugh as you think this over.

Oh, how history repeats itself.

Shoko tucks away your letter before taking a drag from her smoke.

“Does he know about this?”

You knew she was referring to Satoru. You shook your head no, still have a small smile.

“No, unfortunately. Satoru and I got into a arg– disagreement a few days ago. I don’t know if he’s okay with me to begin with, as cowardly to say. The only ones that know are you and my clan head.”

She hums at your response before going for another drag.

“Your phone number still the same?”

“I don’t really plan on changing my phone number. Even if I do, I’ll text you the new number so you can give it to the others.”

“I see. . .See you around, (Y/N). Keep in touch, will ya?”

“I will. I’ll see you around then. Bye, Shoko.”

Giving Shoko one last hug, you wave goodbye as you leave Jujutsu’s High entrance, disappearing from view. Not daring to look back because regret might come if you did.

Shoko watches from afar, her cigarette being halfway done. She takes one last puff before extinguishing it with the bottom of her shoe. She looks at your letter. The paper was crisp with no wrinkles like it had been fresh from the printer. From this, Shoko knew you had written it recently, no hesitation evident on the page itself. Unlike Suguru’s, her fingers tighten on your letter as she sighs while entering the school.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

“What brings you here? He’s a busy man.”

“I’m just an old acquaintance of his. Just a simple chat. It won’t take long, I promise.”

The pretty attendant raises a brow at you as she guides you to one of the rooms. She looks you up and down before facing forward again.

“You have a substantial amount of curse energy. You have a curse technique then; aren’t you a jujutsu sorcerer?”

“I…used to be…but not anymore…I chose to leave that life. I’m just a civilian that has a curse technique.”

You see the attendant smile out of the corner of your eye at your answer. 

“I see. Geto-sama will be happy to take audience with you then.”

You shouldn’t be here. You knew that. Walking in taboo territory could get you hunted down by the very society you were born into. It’s not a secret of Suguru’s position as both a curse user and a cult leader. You remember hearing about him reforming a cult that worshiped Tengan but dissolved after the incident. You found it interesting he hasn’t done collateral damage yet. No incidents or missions revolving around curses terrorizing civilians. Perhaps he was going for something on a larger scale, you thought.

But you missed Suguru dearly. Not in a sentimental reminiscing way. More as in yearning for him entirely. Everyone tells you it’s not the same with Suguru gone, obviously. Yeah, but Suguru plagued your mind after his defection. You want nothing more than to see him again. Yes, things couldn’t go back to the way they were. But you didn’t like the prospects of what your future would hold if you stayed.

You disagreed with Suguru ridding the world of non-sorcerers. But you also understand and agree the current Jujutsu system is a dumpster fire that will never work. At the end of the day, only those the higher-ups favor will get to stay while the rest are sent off to die. You didn’t want to take part in that. You valued your life to know it shouldn’t be tossed around so easily by some dementia geezers who can’t even fight. And yet, you felt a tinge of regret for not staying to fix or break the system. Your only option was to leave and not involve yourself anymore.

The attendant takes you to the room, saying he will arrive shortly. Leaving you alone, you felt your heart race. You hope Suguru doesn’t kill you because he can sense your curse energy. Yet his letter was heartfelt and raw. His apology and the paragraphs after them were for you and you alone, like a confession. Even though you ripped the letter, you keep the two halves. Strangely enough, there was an address and a few words at the bottom of the page. 

‘You know where to find me.’

Here you are, waiting for him with the same letter he sent. As you wait, you can feel his energy get closer. You stare down, kneeling, the letter shaking like a leaf in your hands.

Then the door opens.

You let out a small gasp, not daring to look up as the footsteps approach his seat. A soft chuckle fills the room as you keep your head low.

“I thought I was mistaken when I felt your curse energy. But I now know my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me. Please, lift your head so I can see you (Y/N).”

Your gaze meets Suguru’s soft eyes and warm smile. Both genuine and kind. His eyes widen before returning back to soft when he sees the tears trickling down for your lovely eyes he could get lost in. You stumble to stand, practically pouncing at Suguru. His embrace was like gates opening for you and closing once you entered. You softly sob into his robes as he holds you tightly. Comforting you by gently rubbing your back and hair, giving a soft kiss to the top of your head.

“I missed you so much, Suguru!” was all you said before you continued to sniffle and hiccup into him.

Suguru hums as he pulls away to better view your face. You felt self-conscious as he lovingly gazed at you. Your nose and cheeks were raw from crying, and your eyes became an irritated red. Suguru smiles, wiping away your endless tears with his thumb.

“Oh, (Y/N). I’m sorry for leaving you behind. You understand, don’t you? From my letter?”

You nodded to respond. Holding the paper in front of Suguru. He notices the tear stains and ink smudges from the words he wrote down.

“I would’ve told you in person, (Y/N). Believe me. But I couldn't once they announced my charges. You would’ve been questioned as a possible accomplice. I didn’t want that for you. Do you know what it means for you to see me now?”

“Yes, I’m aware. But I left of my own accord; it wasn’t just for you, Suguru. I wouldn’t be able to last long if I stayed. So I decided to go, leaving it behind, all of it.”

He was a bit puzzled by what you meant. But it didn’t take long for him to piece it himself. Suguru figured something happened between you and Satoru but decided to stay silent out of respect. You both stare with relief and tenderness. Suguru gingerly takes your hand and places a light kiss on your knuckles. You set your unoccupied hand on his cheek, quietly giggling as Suguru leans into your delicate touch. He sighed in contentment. Bring your hand up again to kiss it as he wraps his free arm around your waist. His sincere smile radiates down onto you.

“I guess we have some catching up to do then, (Y/N).”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Satoru was in a better mood today than before.

Satoru cooled off his head after a couple of days from when he made that outburst at you.  He was stressed and tired of being continuously sent out on missions, and you did make a point that he hasn’t taken a break in months. He remembered what he said to you that evening, which made him feel guilty.

He knows he hasn’t been around because the higher-ups have sent him out like a work dog. It was now you and Shoko with him. The stabilization you two had on him once Suguru left.

You’ve been only trying to help him for a long time. Being there for him in your own way while coaxing him to hang out. Yet he took it for granted and said some vile things because his bucket decided to overflow then out of all the times it shouldn’t. You didn’t deserve that. You also didn’t deserve the silent treatment he gave you. He saw your text messages and listened to the voicemails you left. He did not answer because he was too prideful and stubborn to admit he was stressed and hurt you like that.

But sitting with his emotions and reflecting on how stupid he is for prioritizing his ego, he decided to cut down his pride and make it up to you. He unblocked your number and was going to call you. But he chose to just surprise you instead he chickened out. Satoru knew the European mission was a nuisance to his plans, so he had already taken care of it. By that, Satoru somehow teleported himself to where he needed to be in Europe, slayed the high-level curses, retrieved some curse objects, reported what he did, and teleported back to Japan in four hours.

He did all this at the last minute on the sixth day before Satoru was supposed to leave. He did this to stay and spend the whole week with you, make up for lost time, and give a proper apology.

Now, Satoru was strolling through Jujutsu Tech. He whistles as he holds a bouquet of (favorite flowers), a box with a (favorite color) bracelet with (favorite designs/charms), and a bag of mochi and daifuku for you two to share together. He walks around the grounds, trying to search you. He was told no classes today, so he went to your favorite spots. You weren’t anywhere.

‘Huh, that’s strange. (Y/N) would usually be in those places when class is not in session. I wonder where she could be.’

Satoru thought about dropping by your dorm but figured you were with Shoko. On the other hand, he couldn’t sense Shoko around either until Satoru felt it alongside Yaga-sensei. He sensed them in Yaga’s building, so he headed there.

Blissfully unaware of what would await him. 

Satoru clutches your gifts to one side as he opens the door to enter. His six eyes hadn’t kicked in yet, but something in the air felt off. His sun smile hasn’t dropped yet as he scans around, wondering why the two were quiet when he entered.

“Yo, Yaga-sensei, Shoko! I’ve been trying to look for you guys. By any chance know where (Y/N) is so I can give these to her?”

He looks at his teacher, and Satoru’s demeanor instantly changes. There, Yaga stood with his glasses off, clutching a piece of paper with a stern frown. Satoru turns to Shoko, a somber expression replacing her lighthearted one. Satoru just looked back and forth between the two before his eyes settled on the paper in his teacher’s hand. Satoru stands stunned, hearing his heartbeat in his ears grow louder and louder. The air from his lungs disappeared as realization dawned on him. 

Satoru clenched his teeth as he teleported to your dorm room, the clap resonating throughout the hall. He burst open your dorm door, and to his horror, your room was empty. The room was stripped of everything that made it yours. The closet and drawers were emptied, and your desk and bed were bare of anything from you. What used to be your dorm is now an empty dorm room, ready for the next person to claim it. He frantically looks around in hopes of finding any reminds of you.

Then, he spotted your old Jujutsu High uniform, laying neatly on top of your old desk. Satoru just stares, not daring to pick it up. Because if he did, he would’ve broken down. He can’t stay there anymore, to which he teleports back. He bears his pearly white teeth as he closes in on his teacher.

“Where the hell is (Y/N)?” Satoru lowly said.

“Gone, Satoru–”

“I know she’s gone! But where?! Why the hell is all her stuff gone?! Her room is completely empty!”

“Satoru,” Yaga tried calmly speaking, but he was clearly frustrated. “I know this is so sudden. But the (L/N)’s clan head said something came up with (Y/N), and they retrieved all her things. Her clan said they were going to deal with everything else.”

Satoru's breathing became staggered. He could hear it growing louder. He tried his best not to let his voice crack, but that made him angrier.

“Everything else? The hell does that mean, sensei? Why would the (L/N) clan withdraw (Y/N) from school?! School ends in a few weeks! She could have graduated with us!”

“It…wasn’t their decision, Satoru…It was (Y/N)’s…”

Suddenly, Satoru became flabbergasted. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. This gotta be some twisted, cruel joke that was playing on him. His curse energy was flaring up, and his cerulean eyes lit lightly. The flowers from the bouquet were losing their petals, and his bag full of treats was getting smushed from his intense grip.

“What…?”

“The clan head said it themselves.”

“No…”

“She decided not to be a Jujutsu Sorcerer and leave Jujutsu society.”

“LIKE HELL SHE WOULD!!!” Just like that, everything came crashing down for Satoru. Not being in your usual spots on campus, the empty dorm; hell, he noticed your curse residuals becoming faint. The traces of them becoming weaker and weaker. Your presence here in Jujutsu High was fading faster than he could notice. The anger he built up showed itself as it was on full display. Honestly, Yaga and Shoko don’t blame him for his outburst. Satoru held you close, after all.

“Satoru, please.” Yaga pinches the bridge of his nose as he clenches his teeth. “I’m just as lost as you are. This came out of the blue…Her clan confirmed it, and she said it herself.”

Satoru slightly flinches when Yaga holds the paper out towards him. Gesturing for Satoru to take it.

“I didn’t read far into this because it felt like (Y/N) wanted someone else to read it.”

Satoru’s long fingers snatched the paper out of his teacher’s hands. His hands shake as he opens the paper up to see its contents.

It was a letter–from you.

His eyes slowly followed the words of your neatly written goodbye. His heart rips itself piece by piece as he continues reading. The guilt and shaming grew. He could feel the fatigue and jadedness from your thoughts. But the last paragraph makes Satoru’s heart hurt the worst. Your frustration was transformed into desperation for a new life, a fresh start. Away from the endless curses and scrutiny of the higher-ups, away from the pain and hopelessness, away from it all. You didn’t want to throw your life away. You just wanted to live. Then, you end the letter with an apology. Saying sorry because you couldn’t tell them your honest thoughts, for not facing them in your departure, for not trying hard enough for everyone when it was needed. Then, the last line of your apology made Satoru’s blood run cold.

‘Most of all, I’m sorry for being weak.’

He knew that line was for him 100 percent. You wouldn’t have written it down if he didn’t tell you. To Satoru, you weren’t supposed to be the one apologizing. It should be him. He was the one who yelled at you and said those cruel and discouraging things to you. The one who pushed you away and didn’t allow you a chance to help. Fuck, he had the audacity to use his infinity against you. How dare he do that to you, his best friend the girl he fell in love with. His teeth clenched so hard out of pure anger they could crack. The anger he felt for himself was tremendous. He was angry at Suguru, the higher-ups, and Jujutsu Society. Angry at himself for being so stubborn and prideful, for waiting too long to act and apologize. But above all else, he was angry at what had become of the situation. Fully knowing he could do nothing to change anything as already was set in stone.

If he hadn’t been so prideful, he would’ve apologized to you sooner. If he didn’t blow up at you, you wouldn't become broken and hurt. If only he didn’t push you away, maybe you would have stayed– stayed by his side. But ‘if onlys’ are regrets from the past of the current reality. Now, he is living in it with the consequences of his own actions.

This is the price Satoru had to pay. He lost the only remnant that got him through this world by pushing you away. He lost his only two best friends in the world with no way of fixing it. 

The price of becoming the strongest came at the expense of two of his most dearest friends.

Suguru was gone.

You were gone.

Forever with no signs of ever coming back to him. 

In the end, Satoru Gojo was, truly, alone.

[boytearscore]

why can’t i hate you? — matt sturniolo & chris sturniolo.

summary: being best friends with chris and nick meant the world to you, it also meant you had to deal with their brother’s hate, rudeness, eye rolls, mean comments and coldness all the time. but that didn’t bother you, in fact, it was actually always a pleasure to annoy the shit out of him constantly.

warnings: swearing, enemies to lovers, best friends to lovers, love triangle (not threesome), toxic behavior, angst, comedy, possible smut and of course, strong female lead.

taglist: @sleepysturniolo, @soshere, @spideylovin, @calisturniolo, @ilovecheese09, @ncm9696 , @klaus223492, @freshloveforthefit (thank you so much for the support, girls 💋)

author’s note: girls, i’m really sorry for the sudden disappearance. i had work plus lots to deal in life and a bad situationship that ended horribly, so now i have more time and i’ll be back with more updates. this is the next chapter of “why can’t i hate you?” and matt is gonna spill some secrets, stay tuned. hehe.

chapter four.

after finally getting home, you went to bed without checking your phone. chris was still sending messages and you also saw matt’s name on the notifications. but considering the earlier events, both matt’s and chris behaviour, you needed time to think before talking to them. you hated acting out of emotions, people hurt each other in the heat of the moment and that could possibly lead to a cycle end and to be honest, even though chris was suddenly acting like a fucking possessive person, you didn’t want to lose him.

eventually, you fell asleep hugging one of your pillows with a hundred thoughts in mind.

it’s monday, you got up late and went to work in a rush. only having time to take a kick shower and brush your teeth. at this point, you had 30 messages and since there was literally no time to actually read them, you just drove to work in completely silence. half of your brain was a war, the other half was completely calm, thinking in a racional way. the problem is you’re not being able to balance those two things like you usually do.

the day was extremely slow and stressful, some clients had a lot of questions and repeated them multiple times, so you had to explain over and over with your mind already full of thoughts.

you didn’t have lunch break either, a way of coping with an overflowing mind was throwing yourself in work but when was time to go home, your whole body was rigid and in pain.

you went home driving slowly, still in complete silence but your phone starts ringing.

“not right now, chris.” you whisper to yourself rolling your eyes but after a quick glance at the screen, you see matt’s name.

after thinking for a bit, you decided to pullover to answer the call, something inside your heart told you to.

“hi.” he says, and you look at the sky trying to keep your mind clear.

“hey…” you reply, but he doesn’t say anything for a while. with frowned eyebrows, you ask. “did you meant to call someone else?”

“no, it’s just…” you hear a loud sigh. “do you wanna meet me somewhere? we need to talk.”

“um, i’m almost home.” you said, pondering if that was a good idea. “wanna meet me there?”

“good, i’m already here.” you heard him say and before you could answer, he hang up.

you drove faster, but safely. nothing could take the thoughts out off of your mind, the memories from last night and the theories of what matthew could possibly have to say.

the thing is, no one messes with your head when it comes to mixed actions. especially men. they were all like that, you just assume what’s going on in their head and they act all surprised because you’re usually right. and until days ago, you knew matthew. you knew by the way he reacted to your teasing, every single thought he had. but after last night… everything is a blur, you don’t know what to think, you have no control over your emotions, you can’t even say no when he asks to meet you out of nowhere in such a hard day.

before you noticed, you got home. no one was there which made you confused but not surprised, maybe he left after getting impatient? that’s so him.

after parking the car in the garage, you slowly open the door entering still confused. everything was dark and before you could touch the light switch, someone grabbed you by the waist, turning you around. your heart skipped a beat, you grip the person’s hand and twist it with a quick move, making them face the wall.

“hey, hey. it’s me, matt!” he gasps, yelling.

your eyes widen, staring for a second at the back of matt’s head. “the fuck are you doing? how did you get inside?” you ask firmly.

“the spare key, under the plant…” he’s out of breath, almost moaning in pain from your grip. “nick told me.”

you roll your eyes, letting matt’s hand go and buffing. “that kid needs to shut his mouth.”

he sighs, massaging his wrist and biting his lips. you observe him, the way he’s sensitive to touch. the lack of sleep and rest probably got to you because wide things went through your mind.

“don’t ever do that again.” you tell him, throwing your purse on the couch and taking off your blazer. matthew is staring at you without saying anything. you raise a brow.

“what?” you ask and he looks away, scratching the back of his neck.

“nothing, it’s just… you look different wearing that.” he says still not looking at you. “usually you dress like a homeless person.”

“you came here to talk or tease me?” you ask with an annoyed face and he chuckles. that was the first time you heard his little laugh or saw a smile that wasn’t mean on his lips.

“sorry, i…” he finally looks at you, staring at your eyes while leaning against your living room wall. “can i ask you a question?”

the girl looks at the blue eyed boy for a few seconds, confused. what exaclty he could possibly be so curious about and why is he being so… different?

“go on.” she says, taking her heels off.

“do you have a thing for chris?” his voice is low, but loud enough for her to hear. he holds his breath, trying hard not to punch himself for being so stupid.

“why?” she raises a brow, walking to the couch and sitting there, crossing her legs with a nonchalant and calm face.

“you can’t answer a question with another one.” he rolls his eyes and heads to the couch next to hers, sitting calmly.

“i never thought about it.” she replies his question honestly, she really didn’t think about it until the day before when the whole thing happened. “he’s my best friend, i look at him and see my soulmate.” she notices a certain discomfort on matt’s face but decides to ignore it and continue her thoughs. “but not in that way.”

“not what it looked like yesterday.” he says before thinking, internally screaming at himself and she tilts her head again, laughing. “what’s so funny?”

“what’s with you, matt?” she asks him, frowning.

“what do you mean?”

“if i didn’t know you i’d say you’re jealous.”

“bullshit, and you don’t know me.”

“then why?”

“what?”

“why do you care if i’m into chris or not?”

he avoids her penetrating gaze for a few seconds, maybe for a full minute and knowing he couldn’t escape the question, he finally looks at her again.

“because i can’t allow it to happen.” he says firmly, clenching his jaw.

if she was confused before, now the girl was puzzled beyond words and thoughts.

“you think i’m gonna hurt chris? because i would ne…”

“that’s not why.” he interrups her, his eyes telling her more than his words. “i can’t bare to see you with him, that’s all.”

“why?”

an urge to get up and walk towards him washes over the girl’s body, she goes almost in slow motion and matthew follows her steps without blinking.

“why?” she asks again, now right in front of him. he’s looking up at her, his jawline is clenched and his hands are gripping his jeans.

“because…” he whispers, his voice cracking and she bends over facing him closely, matt lets out a sigh with her breath hitting his face. “because if you can’t be mine you won’t be his either.”

[matty-bear]

“But I’m Not Yours.” [M.S] 

Type: fic! 

pairing: matt sturniolo x fem!reader

warnings: sfw, angst 

summary: You realize you have developed very strong feelings for Matt but you never expect the pain and heartbreak that would come with it. 

notes: based on what i’m going through right now with a crush/friend I’ve had since September 🔥 I made a playlist to try to cope with my feelings for him earlier and it’s nearly 10 hours long 😭 I need serious help guys… Anyways, hope you enjoy reading this! :D

WC: 3725

.・.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

.・.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

I’m somebody you call when you’re alone 

I’m somebody you use, but never own 

You and Matt have been attached to the hip ever since y’all met in high school. You were very lucky to become friends with the boy considering how he skipped the majority of school due to his anxiety. When he did come, you tried your best to keep him grounded when his anxiety got too overwhelming for him and prevented him from partaking in anything. 

At the beginning of y’all’s friendship, you were both very affectionate with each other and it wasn’t unusual for someone to see the two of you hugging or clinging onto one another. The two of you found so much comfort in each other in such a short amount of time so all of this came very naturally and quickly for y’all. 

Around a year into your friendship, you realized something that would soon become an issue after getting rejected by a crush. The day you got turned down, you texted Matt telling him what happened the moment you got home. As he was comforting you and giving you advice, one thing that he said stuck to you.

“I feel like it’s a lot easier to have a crush on your friend. You won’t have to worry about befriending your crush since you already know them!”

Matt’s words replayed over and over in your head for the next few days. And the more you thought about what he said, you soon came to the realization that you had a crush on him. The moment you realized, it all became so clear to you. How could you ignore the multiple signs that were in front of your face? 

Every time y’all hung out together, you felt extra giddy inside and when you looked at each other, your heart beat so loudly in your chest that you were surprised it didn’t jump out of your skin. Not to mention how nervous you got when you caught him looking at you! Another factor that played into you liking the boy was how much he genuinely cared for you. He was one of the only few people that really understood you and was constantly there for you. You’ve opened up to him about so many things and he’s remembered all of it.

And when I mean all of it, I mean all of it. 

He remembered every little detail about you and it made you so happy that someone actually cared. How could you not like a boy like Matt? Sure he was very attractive, but he has such amazing qualities that make him a great person to be around. You enjoyed every little moment you had with him. Even if it was a short conversation that the two of you had during passing period at school, you cherished every single moment you had with him. 

When you came to terms with your feelings, you found yourself falling for him. And you fell hard. Nick would even say that you were “whipped for him.” (Which wasn’t far from the truth. The boy had you wrapped around his finger without even knowing it himself.) The more y’all hung out, the more your feelings grew and you soon couldn’t take it anymore. After about a month and a half of discovering your feelings for Matt, you confessed to him. You were an anxious and shaking wreck when you opened up to him. 

You feared that he wouldn’t feel the same and possibly cut off your friendship. And you couldn’t bear losing Matt over some stupid feelings that you couldn’t control. But after you confessed and heard Matt say “Y/N, I like you too” and the boy proceeded to go into his own little confession where he gushed about you, you felt like you were over the moon. 

However, due to some of his relationship trauma, the boy wasn’t very keen on getting into a relationship with you at the moment. He was still healing from an old relationship from about two years ago that left him heavily scarred. He told you that he would absolutely love to be in a relationship with you but not at the moment since he needed to heal. So, like any good person would, you heard him out and agreed to put a hold on getting together. 

Ever since you two confessed to each other, the physical touch increased significantly. There was more hugging and y’all even started holding hands secretly in class since neither of you were big fans of PDA. Matt would even write you notes on small stickys telling you how much he loved and appreciated you. It always made your heart flutter when you read those notes and you always kept them in a notebook along with other small things he wrote for you. 

As y’all’s feelings for each other grew, you both got more open in terms of relationships. As in calling each other subtle pet names like ‘Love’ or telling each other what you’d want in a relationship. Every time you told Matt about what you’d want to do with a guy, he always told you that he’d be willing to complete your wishes. This always made you so happy because he actually wanted to make you happy when y’all got together. 

However as weeks passed, you noticed Matt started to get distant and less affectionate. 

There was no more hand holding, notes, hugs, and your goodnight messages were getting left on seen or delivered. He even asked you to stop with the pet names, which you obviously did because you didn’t wanna make him uncomfortable. All of this made you very upset because he was all over you one moment and really distant the next. You were very confused and hurt. 

So you decided to text him. 

When you messaged him confronting him on why he’s been getting distant, you felt your entire world crumble to your feet when he told you that he no longer had feelings for you and the entire time it was just mutual feelings. He went on and said that he apologizes and that his past relationship is getting him confused on being able to differentiate between crushes and a strong friendship. Feeling very hurt and upset, you told Matt that you understand and that you’d wait for him because of how strong your feelings were for him. After y’all’s conversation, you sobbed for hours. 

You thought you actually had a chance with him and went through all of that together just for him to tell you that the feelings were mutual all this time?.. 

You were absolutely crushed. 

As time passed, y’all began to grow distant and you felt that things were starting to become awkward. And this made you panic. The mere thought of you getting distant from Matt was starting to frighten you a little because you relied on him so much and he was one of the only few people you had. You opened up to him countless times about how you’ve felt and the same response that he gave you was “you’re just not talking to me as much as you used to. I try to talk to you but it’s like you’re not even trying to engage in a simple conversation with me anymore.” 

This response obviously made you feel like you were the issue and made you feel absolutely horrible. You began to think that your strong feelings for the boy were getting in the way of y’all’s friendship and you didn’t want that. So you tried your best to get rid of these feelings as best as you could just so things could go back to normal. It seemed to work for a little while but your feelings were always there, no matter how hard you tried to push them away. 

I’m somebody you touch, but never hold 

And you’re somebody I’ll never really know 

Time skip to about three months later, you and Matt are somewhat back to normal and you managed to get rid of your feelings. 

Or so you thought. 

The main thing you missed the most about yalls friendship was the physical touch. You missed his hugs; his warm, comforting hugs that never failed to keep you at bay. Matt also seemed to miss this part of y'all's friendship and agreed to take the physical touch slowly to get back into the old rhythm of things. Soon enough, you both eased back into the hugs, which you were wanting and wishing for the most. You still felt awkward engaging in them sometimes and you just didn’t know why. 

Despite you thinking that you two were back to normal, you continuously felt like you were losing him. Matt, knowing you better than anyone, immediately picked up on your off behavior and asked you how you were doing in private. It took you a minute, but you soon told him how you felt about the current situation. After the boy let you rant, he gave you nothing but sweet reassurance about how he would never leave you and that he treasured very much. This made you feel a lot better and you both shared a hug. One that felt nostalgic to you. It was warm, and very comforting and didn’t hold any awkwardness or tension. 

But as the days passed, you couldn’t help the aching feeling in your chest each time you saw him laughing with his other friends as you were left off to the side. Was it jealousy? You really didn’t know. He just seemed to want to hang out with other people besides you and he seemed a lot happier. You obviously didn’t confront him about it because you felt selfish thinking about it. Sure you hinted about the fact that he kept leaving you for other people but never told him straight up in fear that you would ruin y’all’s already rocky friendship. 

This caused you to take a rather large step back and distance yourself due to feeling that he no longer had any interest in y’all’s friendship. Him leaving you for other people multiple times was a sign of him losing interest, right? Sure, he could have other friends. You would never hold him back from that. But he kept leaving you in the dust. Despite this, you always found yourself drifting back to him. You couldn’t help but to drift back because you missed him so much. 

Every time you watched him interact and have fun with his other friends, you always had an aching feeling in your chest because that’s how you two used to be. Laughing over stupid shit and not caring about a single thing around you. You just focused on each other. 

You missed it. 

The two of you were getting distant. You knew it deep down. But the two of you always pushed the thought of it away and acted like y’all were fine. 

When it obviously wasn’t.

There was something holding yall back. 

And you knew that that something was your strong feelings for him. It had to be. It was ruining everything. 

I know I’m not the one you really love

I guess that’s why I’m never given up

You tried so hard to get rid of your feelings for Matt. And you actually thought you succeeded at some point. But when he told you about a crush that he developed on a girl, you couldn’t help but feel upset. Sure, y’all’s situation-ship happened a while ago but he seemed to have very strong feelings for this crush of his. He moved on and you were still longing for him deep down. You were very happy for the boy and gave him advice on how he should approach this crush of his because that’s what friends do but you always felt this aching in your chest afterwards. 

This feeling only worsened when he told you that he asked the girl out. It made you think back to how y’all used to be. He was so hesitant to get into a relationship with you and told you that he didn't want to get into one anytime soon but he didn’t hesitate to jump into a relationship with this girl who he only knew for about a month. It made you feel really hurt. It made you feel like he led you on. 

‘Cause I could give you all you want, the stars and the sun

But I’m, I’m not enough 

As weeks passed and you watched Matt get deeper into his relationship, you felt your heart twist and turn. You wished that was you. You thought it was going to be you in a happy relationship with him but it was clear that it wasn’t. He was all over his newly found girlfriend and hung out with her nearly every single day. When you two talked, he was always texting her and didn’t pay much attention to you despite you being right next to him. When you texted him, he always gushed about her.

It was always about her. 

You knew he was deeply in love with this girl. It was clear. And you knew you couldn’t do anything to make him change his feelings for her. As deeply as you wanted to get together with him, you didn’t dare to get between his relationship. What kind of person would you be if you did? A horrible one that’s what. And you didn’t want that.

So you stood by the side, watching him be happy with his girlfriend. You never told Matt that you still had feelings for him. Why would you bother? He would immediately reject you. You tried to find new crushes but each time you drifted back to him. Even though you genuinely thought you were deep in a crush with someone else, your heart prevented you from doing anything with them because it knew you were still not over Matt. 

You missed him. He was so caught up with his girlfriend that he started talking to you less. Yes, he did text you here and there but it was mainly about his girlfriend. You didn’t say anything about it because he was actually talking to you. And you took everything that you could get because you missed him. 

All I really wanted was that look in your eyes

Like you already know that I’m the love of your life

As much as you missed y’all’s friendship, you missed the intimate moments the most. As much as you tried to ignore the fact, you knew you did. You missed how he looked at you as if you were the love of his life. You missed the love-sick notes he wrote you every day. Hell, you still had them in your notebook! You couldn’t bring yourself to get rid of them. As much as it hurt you each time you flipped to the page, you didn’t have it in you to throw it all away. It reminded you of what y’all had. And you missed what y’all had. You missed the subtle hand holding, the back hugs during class, the small gifts y’all gave each other, the late night calls where you often fell asleep with each other on FaceTime. You missed everything y’all did. 

Like you already know you’re never sayin’ goodbye 

But I’m not yours 

Matt would never know the things you would do for him. Hell, you would do anything and everything for him. Everytime he asked you to do him a favor, you didn’t hesitate to do it for him. You dropped everything for him. Which sounds very unhealthy but you couldn’t help it. You missed him and loved him. You were whipped. You were wrapped around his pinkie finger. 

And he was oblivious about all of it. 

You wanted all of it back. You wanted to be all over him and be able to gush about him openly. And you missed how he would gush about you as well and how he seemed so obsessed with you. However you knew you would never get it back because he was so in love with someone else. 

You clinged and held onto every moment y’all had with each other. Even if y'all were simply standing next to each other, you cherished it. At least you were with him. At least you saw him. It made you feel desperate but you just missed him. You tried so hard to try to spark up a conversation but your stupid feelings just made you feel awkward. 

You had no idea what to do and you blamed it on your undeniable feelings for the boy. Your heart prevented you from acting like how you usually would with him and you didn’t know how to fix it. 

I want more, I want more

But I’m not yours 

All you wanted was to get together with him. Yes, you did miss how y’all’s friendship used to be but all you really wanted was to be happy with him. That's what your heart longed for. To show him how madly in love you were with him. But you couldn’t because he was dating someone else and had no plans on breaking up with his girlfriend. You knew how happy he was with her. She always boosted his mood when he was down (You used to boost his mood when he was down.) and just made him so happy in general. She was the perfect girlfriend for him. She never hesitated to show her love for him or post him on her story. They were practically made for each other and everyone knew it. You had to admit you were a little jealous. I mean, how could you not be? You were watching the love of your life be happy with someone else. 

And I can’t change your mind

But you’re still mine

As much as you tried to discard your feelings, they never went away. You tried everything in the book; giving him icks, distancing yourself, picturing him doing embarrassing things, you tried everything and none of it worked. Your feelings were going to permanently stick with you and you had no choice but to accept it. 

Eventually you did accept it and just allowed your feelings to swallow you whole. Which was a very horrible mistake on your part because the urge to be as affectionate as possible and urge to gush over the boy grew stronger. You wanted to tell him how you felt about him so badly but you knew that it would ruin everything and cause him to drift even farther away from you. 

Matt was the number one person in your heart. The boy that you cared the most about. Your favorite person. You would do anything for him. But you knew that he didn't feel the same about you. You probably weren't even on the list of people he cared for. You were most like an extra in his life. A person who he doesn't speak much to unless it was necessary. (Or if he wanted to talk about his girlfriend) You were perfectly fine with being an extra. (You really weren't deep down.) As long as he was still in your life, you were happy.

I should’ve known that it was dumb love 

15 dozen roses 

All the things that I’ve done for you not to notice 

The reason why this whole situation hurt so badly was because Matt was your first genuine crush. You did have quite a few crushes and even dated a few people in grade school but the outcome never turned out well. Two years prior to your realizing that you had feelings for Matt, you were in a relationship that you had to end yourself because you were highly uncomfortable and didn't want to lead the person on. (Ending it was very difficult for you because you never initiated the break ups. The person you were with usually did.)

Matt was your first love. People say first loves hurt the most because it's the first experience of a deep emotional connection with someone. Some people are lucky to have a successful first love where they get married and even potentially have a family, but the vast majority experience severe heartbreak. And that's exactly what you were going through. And you continued to allow yourself to get hurt by the boy because you couldn't bear to lose him. He was just too important to you. 

Can’t believe I chose you over all my best friends 

What the fuck did I do?

In the end? 

You were willing to give up anyone and everyone for him. If he told you to drop someone because they weren’t “good enough for you,” you would do it in a heartbeat. He knows you better than everyone else so he had to be right! Right? And he wouldn’t lie like that to you either right?

…right? 

You would choose Matt over anyone. All your friends knew you favorited him. (They also continuously told you how unhealthy this situation had become) They knew how head over heels you were for him. Hell, they often brought up his name randomly in a conversation that you weren’t a part of just to see how quickly you would turn around. They found it funny how much you loved him. 

But you didn’t find it funny whatsoever because he was causing you so much pain. 

And he didn’t know it. 

And he never will. 

Just to not be yours 

As you continued to hold onto the few remaining threads of y’all’s relationship, you watched him be happy with his girlfriend. You watched and wished that it was you and wished that you could be happy with him. 

To this day, you still struggle with your feelings. You kept going into denial about them but they always hit you with full force when you thought you finally got rid of them. 

You will continue to wait for him. For however long it takes. Even if you have to watch him get into a hundred more relationships, you will continue to stay by his side; waiting for when you have a chance to finally capture his heart like he did to yours. 

But for now, you will continue to watch on the sidelines and wait. 

[seniasworld]

It's Been Three Weeks ...

(this post is simply to get my own thoughts and feelings regarding Liam Payne's death out. skip if ya don't care. <3)

It's been three weeks since Liam Payne has passed, and I am still having a hard time wrapping my brain around it. I am an old Directioner, as I discovered the boys and their music when I was about 14 or 15 and I adored them up until Zayn left the band. I remember being so shy about the fact that I, a teenage girl, was influenced to adore these 5 boys who were also teenagers at the time. Thankfully, I realized that it isn't a bad thing to find some sort of comfort in strangers, and no, I was not part of the group who failed to respect their privacy and boundaries as fellow human beans. I loved them dearly and unfortunately, cut that shit off once I had bigger life things to worry about.

About three months before the news of Liam's death, I had finally committed to deleting thousands ...thousands of memes and pictures that came with being a Directioner during their prime. I had so many photos that I hadn't even looked at in years taking up space in my drive and I had do either pay for more digital storage (lmfaooo yeah right) or delete things I didn't need anymore, so that's what I did. Oddly enough, it was kind of a relief to get rid of 99% of those images, as I really felt it was a nice way to reconnect with that part of my life without shame or guilt, but appreciation and love.

However, I received the news of his death from the only Directioner friend I stayed in touch with all these years. The same friend I stayed up all night with, talking about the boys, waiting for songs to release, crying on Skype together when the wind slightly shifted in our little world. The only friend who I committed to meeting in person multiple times throughout our lives. She sent me a news clip on TikTok and girl, when I tell you my hear sank ...shit was SUNK. I didn't want to believe it, so I didn't. I was in such a great state of denial and shock that I couldn't even find it in myself to have empathy. All I wanted to do was prove that it was some misinformation or some stupid prank. I guess that's one way to cope, right?

Anyway, the teenage girl in me was devastated. I instantly recalled certain posts that were made either on here or on Twitter back in the 1D days that talked so much about how we would miss these days and they would pass us by so quickly and before we knew it, we would be grieving the loss of one of our boys after going so long without being so obsessively invested in their lives. I couldn't believe that we were losing one of them so soon. I couldn't stand the fact that I felt guilty for not being more invested than I have been in each of their music careers, even though I shouldn't. Really, I was just surprised at the fact that an influential part of my childhood ...or rather, teenage years, was just gone and it took his passing for me to realize the impact they all had.

I considered myself a Harry girl, and iykyk, us girlies were in the trenches, but my point with this is that I still loved all the boys. I don't know if I can truly express it, but watching their interviews, performances, vlogs, interacting with them on Twitter even though I was lost in the sea of fans, even just listening to their voices in their music was comforting. I appreciated so much that these boys were told from the very beginning that they wouldn't be successful and then they just blew it out the water. I appreciated so much that even though they were put together as a last resort and even lost X-Factor, who they were as people was what caught our attention as fans. For me, they were a safe space. For a lot of us, they were physical evidence that creative, funny, and compassionate people exist and that they can be boys/men. For a lot of us, they were simply all we had to get through each day.

I'm not going to sit here and pretend that some of the news that surrounds Liam was always positive. In fact, I was kind of mad at him for my own reasons for a bit before he passed. But the fact is, his presence in the band was crucial and so heavily valued that you didn't even have to be a 1D fan for his death to impact you in some way. His voice was beautiful and the way he carried himself compared to the other boys, especially when they were younger, was unique and powerful. I am so sorry that this has happened to him and I am so hurt for those in his life who actually knew him and loved him personally. I wish it didn't take death for people to realize that compassion, patience, and accountability go so fucking far no matter who you are and what you do. I wish he was in a different situation that would have never allowed for him to go the way he did.

I want to remind you, if you are still reading this, to understand that mental health takes a huge toll and informs our thoughts and behavior. Addiction is indicative of one's inability to face themselves. And let me ask you: how many people do you think you are wiling to face when you struggle to face yourself?

We must be kind to others, but more importantly, we must be kind to ourselves. It's okay to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make you a bad person, and holding yourself and the ones you love accountable IS an act of love that will benefit the world around you.

I think this is all I have on the matter, for now. I am still quite sad, as I have experienced personal losses this year alone, so my heart goes out to those who have also been effected by Liam's unexpected passing.

If you ever want to chat or share any thoughts, follow and shoot me a message. I'll be around.

Goodnight. x

Yesenia

[v3nusxsky]

hey! could I request a nsfw work for Emily prentiss / nb! reader (afab)

im really bad at requesting stuff so I’m just gonna make a list I hope that’s okay!!

After a really tough case you just need Emily to take all control and fuck you senselessly and she agrees but also she is concerned about you and makes sure you’re okay

dom Emily and sub reader (bdsm vibes) Emily is hard dom but also really soft and caring, she instantly switches from “using” the reader’s body and degrading them to showering them with kisses and compliments

safe word use (love me some good communication!)

overstimulation kink / multiple orgasms!

mommy kink

praise kink

no strap on stuff please!

aftercare (fluff :)

thank uuu <3

Mommy has you baby 18+

*Authors note~ felt like our em deserved a bit of love too Yano? Yea I'm writing fics instead of uni just to cope and then finishing it off on the train 😭*

Trigger warnings~ mommy kink praise kink degrading sub r dom Emily safe word use aftercare thigh riding eating out fingering tribbing overstim

Prompt~see aak^^^

This case was a rough one for you, it's not uncommon that a case would get an agent a little more than normal, especially when it held a personal tie to their lives or past. For you, it was poor girls who'd lost their lives just for being who they were. And by a "friend" none the less was heartbreaking. Reminding you of the time where you were almost one of those girls but thankfully you had been taught to defend yourself at your FBI academy.

The blank stare you held the entire plane ride told Emily one thing. You needed her. You needed to feel, to be pulled from the memories of the past to the present. And luckily, Emily knew just what she needed to do for you. Unfortunately , this wasn't either of your first rodeos for needing this sort of help and support. And you'd develop a code to show consent. So it was to no surprise that when Emily asked you if you wanted to "reset" that you nodded silently and made your way to the car.

After your silent drive with your girlfriend you immediately got out of the car and made your way inside to your bedroom. Emily knowing you needed space pottered around shutting the house up and preparing for what was to come. When she made her way to the room you were stripped bare, much like your emotions, on your knees for her. She loves to make you sit pretty for your mommy, head down with your hands on your knees while she stalked around the room in heels. A clear display of dominance.

"What do you need sweetheart?" She held her authoritative tone to show you she expected an answer. "Mommy to make it better" you whimpered still not moving from where you were stationed. "Well then why don't you be a good little slut and fucking earn my help" Emily growled moving to out a head in your heat and tugging it, causing you to yelp out but follow her lead. "Oh don't whine! You know you love it, a little pain slut is all you are."

Next thing you knew you were being pushed onto the bed and your lover straddling your thigh. "Flex" she demanded before starting to grind her hips downwards to seek friction. I'm a constant to her degrading words her smooth hands were constantly touching your skin. It didn't matter if it was your pretty tits or your arms the touch remains light and gentle. "Oh you are a good slut for mommy, letting mommy use your pretty body for my pleasure. Isn't that right my sweet girl?" She mewled as her hips began to lose their rhythm. Knowing she was close you sat up to latch on to her rose bud and sucked harshly. Exactly how she liked, causing her to cum hard. Like a mindless doll you allowed Emily to work her way through the first orgasm of the night, happy to serve. Emily made quick work of shredding any remaining barriers preventing you from being skin to skin.

The raven haired woman shifted to her knees before licking where she'd drenched your thigh, bitting the silky smooth skin just the right amount to draw some blood. "Mommy wants to play with her doll now baby, can you be a good girl for me?" She murmured in between soothing the bit and pressing open mouthed kisses to each thigh. "Yes mommy" you whined  before Emily took a bold swipe of your soaking slit. "Oh! Mmm" you mewled giving Emily all the encouragement she needed to lap at your pussy like a starving woman.

"Let me hear those pretty moans sweet girl. Moan for mommy. I want to hear those pretty noises when you cum for me" Emily mumbled into your cunt, the vibrations sending you over the edge and rewarding her efforts as you mewled in pleasure. Only when she was sure she'd got all her reward did she pull away from your core, chin glistening in your arousal and cum mixed together. "Check in baby" she whispered coming to press sweet kisses all across your chest, up your neck, to your cheek, eyes and nose before your plump lips.

"Emerald" you panted out. Laying beneath her with your pupils blown wide and a beautiful flush over your neck and there swells of your breasts. "Greedy whore tonight" she mused before trailing her fingers south of your body to your sensitive clit. "Mommy!" You whimpered as she made contact. "Oh hush, you'll take what mommy gives you, gosh you're practically a bitch in heat with all this filth down here. A whore for your co-worker, doesn't that make you feel ashamed dirty girl" Emily teased you while her fingers trailed your folds before slamming into your awaiting hole.

The shame only aided the bubble of arousal to grow in your stomach as your love hit the right spot inside your spongy walls with each stroke. Effortlessly she had you close to the edge within minutes and begging for her to let you cum. "Such a fucking whore" she mumbled with a roll of her eyes but never slowing her pace, "be a good cumslut and cum now bitch!" Emily growled her left hand digging into your hips hard enough to leave bruises for days.

"Shh darling, you did so good my love, so good. One more okay one more" she murmured over and over as you rode the pleasurable waves. "No mommy! Can't do more please" you cried well and truly on your way to where you needed to be mentally. You knew your safe word and when to use it which is why Emily manhandled your body to be on top of her own. "Such a slut. Move your fucking ass!" She grumbled smacking your thigh which caused you to adjust into the position she wanted. You couldn't help but sigh as you felt the warmth radiating from her core. "Mommy" you mewled softly as you slowly began to rock your hips against hers.

To be gracious, Emily let you have a few minutes of pathetically rutting against her before she changed the position muttering that you were no more than a useless slut who couldn't even do something so simple. From there on Emily took control of the pace and made sure you could feel everything. "Lavender!" You sobbed through gasps causing everything to halt. "Okay sweet girl, all done, no more. My good girl."

Nothing else mattered to Emily Prentiss apart from you in this moment. She had to make sure you were okay. Instinctively, she moved to cuddle you up into her bare chest and rub your back as you sobbed. Your body shook for minutes until you managed to gain a bit of control. "Mommy?" You muttered into her skin, "I'm sorry." Those two words single handedly broke her heart, "oh sweet girl, you have nothing to apologise for, mommy is so proud of her girl. You did so well for me darling, my pretty girl I couldn't be more proud or in love with you. Mommy is here okay?"

Some time passed before Emily attempted to gently shift away from you, "mommy needs to clean her precious girl up and then we can get into bed and snuggle okay baby?" You nodded in understanding and tried to hide the whimpers when the cool wash cloth hit your over sensitive folds. "All done my girl" Emily murmured quickly ridding herself of the cloth and joining you in the warm bed. "Thank you Emi" you murmured when she gathered you in her arms again. "Always baby, no matter what you need." And that was how it would always be, no matter what you needed Emily would move heaven and earth to give it to you.

Word count ~ 1488

[ciaossu-imagines]

Idk if you ever had this quesrion but---

The vongola guardians and any additional characters you want : ... How do they grief? After a small thing that happened, like loosing a precious item, then maybe something more upsetting like breaking up after a long time of being with someone up to actually losing a person to death. How do they cope? How do they handle life from then on out?

You dont have to answer but i thought this might be interesting to ponder

I don’t think I’ve ever had this question! It’s a little surprising, because it is such a really interesting, thought-provoking request! Thank you so much for sending it in and I hope I’ve done such an intriguing concept justice in my answers, that everything feels organic to the characters, and most importantly, that you lovelies all enjoy the headcanons 😊 Because this ended up being so long, I do need to make it into separate posts for Tumblr to allow me to post it, so the question will be answered along multiple days. And honestly, since this took me nearly four hours to answer and edit, I kind of like being able to get multiple queued posts for it, sorry!

Tsuna

Tsuna is someone who is actually a little prone to grief. His emotions tend to run deep, he gets attached to things and people pretty easily, and it hits him hard when things end, get lost, or stop being the same. While he knows change can be a positive thing, sees how change has helped his life be better, major changes will affect him emotionally quite badly, especially if that change is one that he did not want.

He’s not always the best at figuring out how to handle his emotions, even the positive ones, and that is something that is even harder for him to do when the emotions become larger and more profound. He struggles to wrap his head around feelings of grief and loss, what to do with those emotions, or how to properly move on from them. He finds it hard to start properly grieving. He doesn’t really know how to. He doesn’t let it be instinctual – he gets caught up in feeling like he should be grieving in this or that way and because of this, he often finds that his grief lasts longer, or that he feels like he’s got over something that made him grieve, only to find himself taking steps backwards and getting caught up in the grief again. He can sometimes take the view that grief is something that has all these properly laid-out steps and actions that you need to progress through to get completely cured of that grief, instead of something that is very personal and individual.

Now, Tsuna is someone who will definitely feel grief over small things. He does place sentimental value on objects. He’s someone who really does treasure things that were given to him by the people in his life. We see this in the charm from Kyoko that Tsuna gets really anxious about misplacing in canon. I think it’s this way for a lot of things – the first real birthday gift that Lambo and I-Pin got him with their allowance money or his favourite hoodie, the one his mother went out of her way to buy, even though it was stupidly expensive, just because he’d mentioned how badly he wanted it. I have always had this headcanon that Tsuna also collects pictures of him and the other Guardians and his other friends through the years and that those mean the world to him. He’ll cherish his first apartment.

When Tsuna loses one of those sentimental objects, he gets really upset about it. He gets anxious, unhappy, and he tends to immediately feel a lot of guilt about it. He defaults to blaming himself for whatever happened to those objects – he didn’t take good enough care of it obviously, it’s his fault for losing it, he really is no good. He takes losing something that was given to him really hard and he’ll drive himself a little crazy looking for it. He feels so bad about losing that thing and he fully expects whoever gave it to him to get really upset at him for misplacing it if he cannot find it. He is just that angry and upset at himself, after all.

An avid gamer, someone who loves reading manga, and someone who really gets into the tv shows he loves, Tsuna forms connections with fictional characters pretty easily. When his favourite characters die, he definitely gets sad and upset about it. He won’t cry about these little moments of grief, but he’ll feel crummy about it for several days. He’ll vent about it to friends and he’ll be upset. He might even stop watching the show or playing the game, feeling that everything’s been ruined about it now that it’s made him feel that emotional reaction.

For small things that make him grieve, like growing out of a favourite piece of clothing, leaving his house for the first time to live on his own or for moving on from his first adult apartment, the moments will be very bittersweet. On one hand, he knows that all life chapters have to end and that there are still many beautiful things to come, but at the same time, he finds himself quite sad. He finds himself remembering every single good moment spent in that thing or that place and he does get glassy eyed. He really relies on his friends and loved ones at these times to keep him positive and excited about the things to come, because without that, he could find himself wallowing in those sad moments instead of embracing the future.

Things that hit harder, that are more serious grief-inducing moments, hit Tsuna hard. To use the example of a break-up, Tsuna is really going to feel miserable. He’s really sad about everything and he definitely does cry about it, when he’s alone or at least thinks he is. He doesn’t want anyone else to catch him crying like a baby because of something like that, but at the same time, he can’t keep himself from needing that cry. Everything just feels bad and hopeless and like it will never be happy again.

A running theme, I think Tsuna’s first instinct, in the face of this kind of grief, is again to blame himself for whatever caused that grief. Even if it logically doesn’t make sense, even if others assure him that it wasn’t his fault, he still blames himself. He feels this distinct amount of guilt and pain about it. He makes himself shoulder all the blame for the situation, convinces himself that all the pain he’s feeling is because he failed in some way. He just wasn’t good enough to stop this from happening. There must have been something he did or something he didn’t do that caused this.

It isn’t a feeling that will just go away. There isn’t going to be a day when Tsuna just wakes up and has an epiphany that, no, this wasn’t my fault. I did everything I could. This person leaving me was on them and not on me. That’s not something that will happen to him. That grief will always be there in his brain, and he will always blame himself for the situation that caused the grief. It’s just that, with time, Tsuna will be able to push that grief and blame out of focus. He’ll be able to start coping with it, in his own way, and he’ll start being able to tune it out a little. He’ll go back to being able to live his life, though he won’t live it ever quite the same again. His life, his choices, his attitudes on things will change, even if they change by such a small degree that it’s barely noticeable to anyone besides Tsuna and those who know him best. He’ll learn to not think about the grief as much, with it really only popping up every now and then, when he’ll feel those emotions again just as strong as the day it happened. When he does feel those emotions, over and over again, he becomes better at pushing them away though instead of focusing them, with each time that wound is reopened.

Surprise, surprise, but that habit of blaming himself for situations that make him grief is also very much carried over to the large moments of grief. Those around him dying and leaving him behind makes him not only unbearably sad, but those moments fill him with so much anxiety, guilt, and regret that it’s almost unbearable. By the time those moments start happening, Tsuna has already been trained on how to continue on in his duties, despite the overwhelming waves of emotions that are washing over him, and he does his best for those left behind with him. Honestly, if it wasn’t for that act of needing to be there for those others left behind, if it wasn’t for needing to be strong for them, Tsuna would probably crumble a little in the wake of that amount of grief. He kind of does appreciate having them there, appreciate having something to concentrate on besides his grief, at moments. At other times, he feels burdened by them, though he would never admit it out loud, and feels resentful for not being able to have the choice to wall himself off from everyone and just let the grief run its course.

Someone he loves dying…it’s his fault, obviously. It’s because he either wasn’t strong enough to save them or because he exposed them to danger because of the life he was forced into. In the case of the person dying in a way that could not conceivably be his fault, such as dying from old age, it’s still his fault. It’s his fault he hadn’t expressed more how much he loved and cared about them. It’s his fault he didn’t thank them more for all the things they did for him. It’s his fault for not making every single second they were alive count – how many hours did he waste, for example, he would think when Iemitsu died, hating or being resentful towards his father? How long did he hold out on having any kind of relationship with his father? How many years were wasted in bitterness and hurt feelings instead of letting his father connect with him? There’s all these regrets, all these ‘what-ifs’ in the face of grief and they all feel like they’re about to drown Tsuna in their heaviness.

Much like with the smaller grieving, it’s not so much that Tsuna will come to grips with these thoughts. It’s not that he’ll forgive himself, not entirely. It’s more that, with time and with life continuing to go on, with the expectations on him to keep soldiering on, he learns to live without that person’s presence in his life. He learns to keep going. He learns to find happy moments again that aren’t overshadowed by thoughts of the person. He learns to tuck that person into his heart and his mind. He learns how to come out of the grief still intact, though changed forever by his regrets and sadness. There will be days, months, years he can go without thinking of them, but he’ll still have days, even years after that person’s death, where something will trigger that latent grief he hangs onto inside, and he’ll find himself needing to hide away and cry all over again.

[mana-jjk]

jjk manga spoilers !!

if you aren’t caught up to the most recent chapters, you will be spoiled and i refuse responsibility because i’m just vibing my life away

something i use to kind of sway back and forth between inuokko is when i thought they’d get together.

i think it’s mutually agreed that the dynamic between toge and yuuta in their first and second year does have a slightly different vibe. not in a bad way, just in a mutual transition in their dynamic and relationship. of course, that’s just what we can gleam from a handful of pages.

first-year inuokko is definitely more of an awkwardly sweet, teenagers in love for the first time, trying to figure out who they are and how they interact. there’s room and space to grow, a singular year that only acts as an introduction to what is to come.

second-year inuokko is more of an established confidence, knowing each other as friends, fighters, and everything in between. they’re no longer the youngest generation of the school, now they’re established not just between themselves, but also in their lower class men. more than that, they’re also exploring the effects of new trauma and how that impacts who they are.

i’ve seen this characterization of first-year and second-year dynamics being turned on their head. yuuta transitioning from shyness to confidence, toge from being the reliable figure to learning how to rely on yuuta. that’s why it’s so hard to pinpoint where they would get together, because both dynamics are really sweet and strong. i think that’s why inuokko has remained so strong over the years.

lately though, i have been thinking about that in particular. trying to understand these characters and where their dynamic takes off because it sets the tone for a lot of the major events that take place.

toge losing his arm, yuuta in shibuya, killing yuuji, the reunion, and most definitely the recent manga chapters.

as much as i like to think about them in terms of an established relationship, i truly think that inuokko wouldn’t be successfully established until during or after. in other words, i think their strongest coming together comes after their first year, after yuuta returns from being abroad.

yuuta as a character is one that desperately craves connection. that is a defining characteristic that drives his motives throughout jjk 0. he’s lonely, he wants to feel a sense of belonging if with even one person.

however, the issue is that he is transitioning from several life-changing events that allow no time for process or recovery.

in less than a year, he was responsible for multiple injuries and deaths in classmates and sorcerers investigating them. he was sentenced to death, had the sentence lifted, and was sent to a school for sorcerers. he was immediately targeted by getou, faced several life-threatening situations, and even if just for a moment, thought that the tentative friends he made were dying by getou’s hand. he then proceeds to try and sacrifice his life to murder the absolute crap out of getou and then loses the remnants of the only friend he had for years. this is not to mention the bullying, being ostracized by his family, and being uprooted to a completely different environment.

even if yuuta grew up in a completely different world than the others, his relationship with human interaction is extremely poor. during this time was the only opportunity he had to finally grieve rika’s death.

that’s why it’s so vital that he’s not immediately jumping into a new relationship. even though i don’t see the dynamic between yuuta and rika as inherently romantic as they got older, it was the closest thing either of them had. (i say this because rika often conveyed a mentality of a little girl as a spirit, they might have loved each other as kids, but their mentalities are too different now).

yuuta needed to take that time to enjoy companionship platonically in order to develop emotionally. even more so, he needed to learn how to cope and live in a healthy and productive way. with the loss of rika came the loss of any power he had, a newfound freedom and disadvantage he had to work himself through again.

going to africa was essential for that reason !! he needed to learn how to navigate himself without placing too much dependency on any one person. it kept him from self-sabotaging, but also granted him the opportunity to learn that there were people willing to wait for him.

so that time in africa with miguel wasn’t just time to hone his physical and cursed abilities, it was an opportunity to grow into a more stable mindset before taking any other steps forward.

with that being said, yuuta is absolutely insane. like, i’m sorry but if you don’t agree, talk to the wall because i’m not budging on this. mr. okkotsu did grow into a more confident and self-assured person, but it doesn’t completely erase the traumatic experiences that developed him into the person he is today.

rika was and very much still is an extension to the kind of love he understands and conveys. becoming a monster for those you love, gladly and willingly, to sink your teeth into the viscera of their soul and hold tight. because otherwise, they might just slip away.

we see the frantic energy that rika used to utilize in protecting him not gone, but transitioned into a more clever application in yuuta’s actions. i see this especially in his speech that i discussed about gojo a while back. in how angry he was about toge’s arm. in the way he took on the culling games by himself as atonement.

rika always was a reflection of the darkness inside of yuuta. one that allowed him to pretend like he was helpless, when in truth, he always held a strong capability for the violence.

rika vs. yuuta’s bullies

yuuta vs. getou

he consumes darkness in order to protect the perceived light in his life.

it’s less that he needed to be sent away to address that, and more that he needed time to accept that.

we see a confident yuuta, not because the darkness has disappeared, but because he has learned to control and weaponize it.

his desperation for connection is still very prominent in his character, you can see it especially in how he lashes out in regards to gojo. it’s not that he’s especially angry with everyone else, and more that he needs them to feel these connections on the same level.

there’s visual relief in how he expresses himself when toge, maki, and panda audibly extend their support. he needs to have that tangible desperation and need returned in full. if loving means becoming, the boy who consumes curses will do beyond what is necessary.

in that, you can see an almost contradiction to the similarities between yuuta and yuuji. two boys cursed with immense love for their friends.

yuuji who consumed a finger to protect those around him, who set out on this life to save others and guide them to a proper death. who lost his friends, his mentors, everything and everyone who mattered most. who now straddles the line of life and death all in sacrifice.

yuuta who cursed his childhood friend, who consumes curses to absorb their abilities. who set out on this life to avoid the pain of loneliness and find connection in his lonely world. who somehow managed to not lose any of his friends. who chose to take the only casualty he suffered, his mentor, to sacrifice himself to bring him peace.

they’re so similar and yet so inherently different because of one key characteristic. where yuuji’s actions are selfless, yuuta’s motives have always been selfish.

he brings yuuji back to life, not because he cares too much about killing him, but because gojo and his classmates care about him.

he takes on the culling games because he feels guilty about not helping his friends before.

he kills his mentor’s best friend body snatcher, not because it’s right, but because he doesn’t want gojo to do it.

selfless actions, selfish reasons.

and yuuta knows it.

he accepts it, he embraces it, he doesn’t even try to hide it.

as a first year, he might have shied away from acknowledging it. flustered and avoided eye contact, tried to explain himself in a way that conveyed something good and positive. tried to not see himself a monster.

but he is a monster.

only monsters could possibly survive the blood-soaked remnants of his childhood and teenage years.

he’s a monster, and it only took a year of training for he himself to realize that, to embrace it.

because being a monster means that the people you love don’t have to be one.

and the cherry on top is that he picked the one group that would know that, would see him, would love him not just in spite of it, but because of it.

maki figured him out from day one, and panda doesn’t exactly have the importance of morals high enough to care.

toge is the biggest surprise, because his characterization might lead you to think that he would be heartbroken by the choices yuuta would make.

but it isn’t compassion that defines toge so strongly, it is acceptance.

his ability to not see past the viscera and gore covering his soul. his ability to watch with utmost vigilance and choose to move forward regardless. he wipes the blood streaking his cheeks, not to pretend it never happened, but to share in it. to share the responsibility.

to be a jujutsu sorcerer is to not hold life in the highest regard. instead, it is to learn how to live past the bounds of morality and personal responsibility. it is to understand that you walk a gray line that forever tips into an unending darkness.

second year yuuta is one all too aware of this, who knows it far more intimately than any person raised in this society. and in spite of it, he choose to dig his nails into the edge and tip back. trusting, knowing his friends are only a breath away.

he needed the time to understand that more than anything else.

lmfao i consider myself the biggest toge lover, but i also love yuuta very much. he’s so batshit and it’s so enjoyable to me. i think they should hold hands and stuff ! 1,700 words of me just rambling about them - now it’s mana pls stfu hours

[punks-never-die205]

Would K&K bother to date an s/o with multiple childhood traumas that are seeing daylight whenever someone does something that reminds the s/o of what happened in the past?

Yes, they’d have small panic attacks, yes they’d cry often (meaning once in a few days), of course they’re going to be touch starved but also fearful of it at the same time… a hard nut to crack indeed.

Would they grow tired of s/o behaviour?

I've said before, and I'll say again, I think that the Punk Victoria is a ship that is built for people with traumas and triggers - which sounds wild when you consider the reputation the Kid Pirates have for being ruthless.

But the crew they have isn't that way to one another - even if they show no mercy to outsiders (and I still have to wonder how much of Kid's cruelty is propaganda, because if anything is consistent in the OP world, it's that the marines and government lie about a LOT of pirate crews).

It might be tough love some days, it might be bellowing fights - this isn't a crew of therapists (even if they could all use one), so it's not going to be perfect, but it is going to work.

There's no where else for most of these folks to go, and they're not going to toss someone off the ship just because they have traumas.

So no, I don't think they'd grow tired of a traumatized reader who has heavy anxiety and uncontrolled panic attacks. I think they'd do everything they could do help, and go from there.

Also, anon, I don't really know what to say. I hope you're in a safe space, I hope if you need help you can get it - if you can't afford it I hope you have friends to hold you up. Even if you're limping from one day to the next I hope you find people who don't "get tired" of you.

It's just, this ask on the heels of the one before, has me worried about y'all. They're really specific asks, and I'm HAPPY and WILLING and completely OKAY with answering them I swear.

No one is bothering me with these, I'm not getting tired of them - I'm just a little worried.

And look, no matter what my head canons are for a person or crew, if you need to find comfort in them, then that comfort exists. That's fucking law, you hear me? Over ANYONE else's canon/fanon/whatever. If you think "Would Kid love me?" the answer is yes.

All your flaws, all your traumas, all your coping mechanisms, poor or good or whatever - he's gonna ride or die with you.

It's not something everyone can do. Sometimes it takes years to find someone who even understands. Sometimes you lose friends - and trust me people lose friends even when they don't have traumas - friends come and go as a part of life. It's rarely ever anyone's fault.

We all just vibe with what we vibe with and we can't help that most of the time.

But you'll find someone who can tank your shit, and you'll find someone who listens, and baby if you put in as much effort as them you're gonna find yourself going longer and longer between those fits and it's gonna get better. And people will stop making you feel like YOU are the exhausting one, when you're spending your whole damn day exhausted.

hang in there, friends.

[imagrindylow]

I have a Leander prompt if you’d be interested? MC is back for the start of sixth year and not coping well after the events of the map chamber etc. Leander finds her in the common room late at night upset and they become unlikely friends and develop feelings over time? 👀

Big big fan of your writing! X

Thank you for this request, anon!! I really loved working on this, as you can probably tell from how insanely LONG this is. I also saw your other ask with the added details and I incorporated those too! I hope you like it!!

You See Me

Leander Prewett / gn!Gryffindor!Reader 12.4k words

Content Warnings: Game spoilers, angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, MC is dealing with anxiety Summary: MC is having a hard time starting out sixth year. Their friendships from fifth year are falling apart and the loss of Professor Fig is weighing on them greatly, leading to reoccurring nightmares. As things get worse, MC finds comfort in someone they didn't expect to.

~~~~~ The summer holiday following fifth year unfortunately did not give you the reprieve you so desperately needed, after the hell that was your first year of experience as a Hogwarts student. You made some friends and had some fun, sure, but the price you paid mentally and emotionally while being there for those you grew closest to, and while defending the school you’d come to love, left you reeling and distraught over the summer months.

You’d kept in touch with Sebastian, via owl, during the months the two of you spent away from the castle. You wrote him multiple times a week, though not every letter you sent him garnered a response. You were sick with anxiety over the thought of him staying alone in that little house in Feldcroft. Not a happy home to begin with, when his Uncle Solomon had been ever angry and pessimistic, and Anne so ill, nowadays, with only Sebastian residing there, silence and loneliness overwhelmed the small house making the ambiance all the worse.

Sebastian’s letters explained to you how he had seen neither Ominis nor Anne since the events of the catacombs, and how regretful he was for what had happened, how he desperately wished he wasn’t so utterly alone while away from school. You wished that your living situation allowed for him to stay with you for the time being, but it wasn’t possible. Your caregivers wouldn’t entertain the idea for any amount of time. The tone of his letters made you anxious about the state in which you’d find him when you’d finally be reunited after summer.

He was equally concerned for you, and rightfully so. In your letters, you’d written a lot about your grief over losing Professor Fig, and the guilt you felt around the ordeal. You kept the full story from your caregivers over fear of not being allowed back to Hogwarts, and you wanted nothing more than to be in the proximity of someone who understood. You needed your friends now more than ever.

You’d sent Ominis several letters, as well. You weren’t sure if he genuinely didn’t receive them, or if he was simply ignoring your efforts to stay connected to him, but regardless, his lack of response only added to your feelings of unease as you packed your trunks to head back to Hogwarts for your sixth year. You were excited to see them both again, but a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach made you unsure whether or not things would ever be the same among your little group… You could only hope.

Boarding the Hogwarts Express, you could fine neither Sebastian nor Ominis as you walked through the train cars, taking your time to peer into each cabin. Your assumption was that they simply hadn’t boarded yet, though you hadn't seen him on the station platform either. Perhaps they were just running a bit late, or you overlooked them in the massive crowd. Instead, you resigned to sitting in a cabin with a Gryffindor housemate of yours, Natsai Onai. You took the seat across from her, and the two of you started to chat about your summer.

You hadn’t had much time to catch up with her before the door to your cabin was being pulled open again, and you were being joined by two more housemates, Garreth Weasley and Leander Prewett, the two boys dialing up the volume level in your cabin from a 2 to a 10 instantaneously with their banter and laughter. Despite being housemates with the two of them for an entire school year, you hadn’t truly become friends with either of the boys, due to your involvement with Sebastian monopolizing nearly all of your spare time. This fact was obvious and regrettable when the addition of the two boys to your cabin drew Natty’s attention off of you, and made you feel like an outsider even though you were surrounded by people who should have been your closest peers. You made a mental note to try to expand your friendships this year.

You sat mostly quietly, Garreth dominating much of the conversation, speaking to the three of you as a whole about all of the various experimental potions he’d concocted the last few months. You were hearing him, but not quite listening, your gaze focused out the window as the train departed the station. After awhile, the conversation around you calmed. Leander had taken to reading a book, while Garreth chatted to Natty, who remained polite but was definitely less than interested in the conversation.

Having actually been your friend through fifth year, Natty could tell something was troubling you, but she also knew better than to outright ask you about it, especially not in front of anyone else. You didn’t set out to be the mysterious type in your fifth year, but the nature of your various activities didn’t lend themselves to being casual conversation topics. And so, you stewed in your thoughts and anxieties privately as the train drew closer to Hogwarts. Stealing the idea from Leander, you pulled a book from your satchel, and pretended to read in an attempt to look less stricken as you dwelled on whether or not Ominis was angry with you, or if he and Sebastian would get back to speaking terms, or if Sebastian would still be the friend he was when you’d last seen him.

Eventually, the train pulled into Hogsmeade Station, and the train deboarded slowly. You tried to scan the crowds the best you could for your Slytherin friends while heading towards the carriages en masse to take the short ride to the castle. It wasn’t until you were seated at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall that you’d finally spotted them from across the room, your heart aching that they weren’t seated together. You knew there would be work to do to get things to return to how they were before every thing had happened. But you knew you had to try.

You sat quietly through the sorting ceremony before dinner was served, eating your food quickly and chatting absentmindedly with your housemates until the meal is over and you’re finally able to slip through the crowds of students making their ways to their common rooms, over towards the Slytherin table, where you’d finally be able to catch up with Sebastian. As you made your way towards his table, among the droves of students exiting the Great Hall, you spotted Ominis, not sticking around to chat with anyone.

You couldn’t formulate words before you were being wrapped in a tight hug, Sebastian’s fists clenching your robes as though you’d vanish if he didn’t hold you tightly enough. “Gods I’ve missed you.” He muttered with his head buried against your shoulder.

“I missed you, too.” You said softly, all of your focus going into keeping the tears inside that were threatening to spill at the feeling of finally being reunited with the only person who really understood.

You clutched him back, squeezing him tight for just a few moments before the two of you backed up a step, holding each other at arms length and really taking each other in. Sebastian could see the sadness and grief in your eyes, the hurt you had from losing Fig, the burden of everything you’d seen beneath the castle, mixed with a new feeling of relief that came with just being near him.

Sebastian’s guilt over the events of the catacombs, the tragic series of events that led him to losing contact with his sister and best friend, was painted all over his face. His eyes were solemn, the smile he had for seeing you again, though genuine, was nothing like the smile you came to know the previous year, before things had gotten complicated.

As the Great Hall emptied, the two of you made your way out of the room with the last of the crowd, him slowly walking you towards your common room and chatting quietly all the while.

“Do you think Ominis will start speaking to you again…? Now that you’ll be forced into proximity in the dorms?” You asked him, worry heavy in your voice. You couldn’t imagine how not only awkward, but painful it would be to have your closest friend so close by, but separated by the circumstances.

“I damn well hope so. He’s been so stubborn, but he’s only human. I’ll do my best, apologize for everything that happened...” Sebastian said, before leaning in and lowering his voice. “Convince him I’m through with the dark arts.”

“I hope you can.” You said.

“I’ll be trying from the moment I return to our common room. If all else fails, you can give it a go. You’ve always had a way with Ominis.” Sebastian sounded more confident than he looked, but it was refreshing to hear the drive in his voice again.

“I think you’ll have better luck with him when it comes to this. He hadn’t returned any of my owls all summer, as I had mentioned.”

“Hm. I know. Mine either, of course. But... We’ll give it our best. He still cares for us, regardless of what happened, there’s no way he doesn't.”

“Well, good luck then.” You said as the two of you approached the portrait of the Fat Lady. Sebastian bid you a goodnight, giving you a little wave while taking a few backwards steps before turning around and making his way towards his own common room.

You headed through the portrait and into your common room, where the rest of your house mates were scattered through the space, chatting, laughing, telling stories about their summers. Despite spending more of your time with your Slytherin friends the previous year, the Gryffindor common room felt soothing and homey as you entered.

Knowing you’d have lost yourself in stressful thoughts if you’d have gone to your dorm room, you settled yourself among a group of your fellow sixth years in the corner of one of the sofas near the fireplace, against the armrest. Nellie Oggspire was sat beside you, along with Garreth who was half underneath her, his arms encircling her waist, holding her in place. Natty was sat in the armchair adjacent to you in conversation with Cressida, while Leander sat against the opposite armrest of the sofa, beside Garreth.

Joining into the existing conversation seemed daunting at first but the group eagerly included you, overall glad that you were making a point to be social by inserting yourself amongst them. As a whole, the group assumed this was a first step to normalcy for you, they knew you were there when Fig passed and that you were likely emotional in coming back to school. But they were happy to see you trying to connect.

The six of you chatted late into the evening. You now knew they details of their summers: that Leander’s family had gone on a long holiday, on which they brought along Garreth, that Garreth and Nellie who’d apparently been close since the year prior started dating, that Natty’s mother had finally loosened up a bit, and that Cressida had not only perfected the charm you’d helped her with the consequences of the year before, but learned to preform it non verbally. It seemed as though each of them had pleasant summers, but you didn’t have much to contribute about yours without bringing down the vibe of the group, so you spoke of the books you’d read to keep the mood light.

You all talked about Quidditch being reinstated, and about continuing on with Crossed Wands, calling Lucan to join the conversation. He promised to get sign ups going as soon as possible. These two things excited you, having hobbies and things to do would keep your mind busy and leave you less time to succumb to your anxieties. You hoped that the group couldn’t tell how as they spoke you seemed to be a bit preoccupied in your own mind, smiling and reacting to their words just a moment later than the rest did. You were wondering how Sebastian was fairing in his mission to speak to Ominis for the first time in months...

But despite being a bit distracted you tried to keep your thoughts positive, and as the conversation went on, you found yourself relaxing a bit more. Overall, you had a pleasant evening and did feel a bit closer to your house mates, and when you tucked yourself into your bed for the evening, you were able to sleep mostly soundly.

~~~

The first day of term brought stress and excitement weighed very equally for you. You were excited to get into your new courses, and to get back into dueling, and trying out for Quidditch did sound fun. But at the forefront of your mine when you woke up the following morning, was seeing how Sebastian’s conversation went with Ominis. With any luck, they’d be sitting together at breakfast. You dug through your trunk, grabbing clothes and your toiletries, and readied yourself for the day, before heading down to breakfast along with your dorm mates.

Sitting among your group from the previous evening, you poured yourself your morning tea and served yourself some eggs and toast. Conversation was happening around you, but your gaze was fixed on the Slytherin table, scanning over the long benches for either of your best friends. Part way through your search, you notice Sebastian storming into your peripheral vision, and your eyes shot to follow him. There were only a few times you’d seen him so bitter. A couple of times after interacting with his uncle, and once when he’d heard you’d befriended a goblin… luckily that was something you were able to move past.

Sebastian threw himself down onto the bench beside Imelda and a few of his other housemates, none of whom dared to address him while he was in such a state. You continued to scan across the table, noticing that Ominis was not there, and when he didn’t come into the hall after a few minutes, you concluded that something must have happened between the two boys, and you had a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. Sebastian caught your gaze, giving you a drawn out stare, his furrowed brows not softening the way they typically did when you looked at him with concern.

You were a moment away from standing up, ready to go to him, to find out what happened and to offer him a listening ear when you felt a nudge to your arm.

“Garreth’s speaking to you, MC.” Spoke a soft voice to your left, snapping you out of it, and bringing you back to the conversation around you. It was Leander. He’d nudged you gently, getting your attention before motioning towards Garreth who was sitting across and down a few heads from you.

“I’d just asked what position you’ll be trying out for, now that Black’s re-allowing Quidditch. Personally I was saying I’d like to be a beater, maybe a chaser. And Lee was going to go for Keeper. What do you think?”

“Oh, uh. I… I hadn’t really thought to much about it yet. Maybe chaser.” You say, honestly shocked realizing that you’d zoned out to the point where you’d totally missed the discussion going on around you.

“I reckon you’d be a fine chaser!” Garreth said and nodded in agreement while sloppily eating his breakfast. Lucan, who was sat beside him, started talking about how he was going to be trying out for seeker, and that conversation pulled his attention from you.

You resumed eating, but your gaze went back to Sebastian, who was eating his breakfast so aggressively it was as though it had personally offended him.

“Are you alright, MC?” Leander’s voice was soft as he spoke to you again. You turned to him, seeing him looking from the Slytherin table then back at you, he’d been trying to see what you were staring at. “Something wrong between you and Sebastian?”

“I’m fine, and no.” You said, not about to elaborate to a boy you’d only spoken to a handful of times since you’d met him. Though, the fact that he even asked made you smile a bit. You hadn’t expected him to be observant enough to tell… Or maybe you were just more emotive than you’d thought you were.

Whatever made him ask, your response was enough to keep him from pressing the issue for the time being. He had looked at you as though he had something else he wanted to say, but had decided against it, and instead hopped back into the Quidditch discussion with the others. Not wanting anyone else to question you, you more actively joined the conversation as well.

Once breakfast was wrapping up and students were starting to disperse, you noticed Sebastian getting up from the table, you did the same. You excused yourself from your housemates, and followed him out of the Great Hall, walking quickly to catch up with him.

“Sebastian! Wait for me!” You called to him, trailing behind him several paces, as he walked with a swiftness that should have told you he didn’t really want to speak right now.

But when you persisted in your following and pleaded calling, he stopped and turned to face you suddenly, and when you stopped a few feet in front of him, he closed the distance quickly. “Undercroft. Now.” Though whispered, he delivered the message very sternly.

You nodded and followed along with him to the defense against the dark arts tower and towards the large ornate clock that housed its entrance. Quickly scanning the area for prying eyes, you followed Sebastian into the Undercroft, where he began pacing, rubbing his temples.

“I’m guessing speaking with Ominis didn’t go well...?” You said cautiously.

“No, it bloody well didn’t, MC.” He snapped, then winced in spite of himself, but didn’t apologize for his tone.

Of course, you didn’t hold his tone against him. You just assumed that whatever happened must have been serious. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I was able to speak with him… I told him everything, bared my heart, told him how regretful I am for how everything happened in the catacombs… How much I missed him, and Anne. I thought the whole thing had been going alright… but then that fucking prick let it slip that he’s in contact with Anne all this time, and he won’t give me her damn information so I can write to her!” He shouted, gripping his hair, his teeth baring as he groaned in what could described as misery. “No owl I have sent her since she left has been able to find her… And that bastard knows where she is.”

Sebastian was pacing as he vented his frustrations with Ominis, and you weren’t exactly sure how to console him. “Do you want me to try to talk to him?” It was really the only thing you could think to offer, and he did mention yesterday that perhaps you’d be able to get through to Ominis instead… but that was in regard to just getting your trio back together...

Before bothering to reply, Sebastian shot off a few blasts of confringo to some of the various crates and things about the Undercroft, letting out his frustration in a way he’d grown accustomed to when he fought goblins with you the year prior.

“Be my guest, because I certainly have no plans to speak with him in the foreseeable future. Unless he come to me to apologize for keeping my own sister’s whereabouts from me, and tells me where she is I don’t wish to speak to him.” Sebastian huffed as he made his way towards an old tattered sofa, letting himself plop down onto it and throwing his head back.

You nodded. “I’ll do that, then. As soon as I see him, I’ll ask him if we can speak.” You assured Sebastian.

He waved you off, and you couldn’t blame him for wanting to be alone, so you turned and made your way out of the Undercroft. You had class to get to, anyway.

As you headed to your first class of the day, you tried thinking of what you’d say to Ominis when you saw him… You wanted to talk to him, not just for Sebastian but for yourself as well… You wanted to know if he’d received your letters, if he was angry with you or just upset as a whole. Perhaps selfishly, you wanted your friendship back with him regardless of any spat he was in with Sebastian. And you had to communicate all of that while also asking him to divulge information to Sebastian that no doubt Anne had asked him to keep secret. It would be no easy task, and you were hardly sure if you were even up for it given your own emotional state, but, as you’d shown time and time again, you’d go to any length for your friends.

Your first class of the day was Charms, which Professor Ronan started in a similar fashion as your first day the previous year, with a refresher of the Accio charm, in the form of Summoner’s Court. This year however, as sixth years, you were required to begin learning how to cast non-verbally, which would provide an interesting twist to the otherwise straight forward game. The Professor paired off you and your classmates, and assigned you to play against Leander. The two of you watched along with the other pairs as Professor Ronan demonstrated, making the task look easy, but you knew that non-verbal casting was supposed to be anything but simple.

The first few pairs of your classmates made goes at the task, some getting the ball to roll a bit, but none of what anyone had accomplished in their allotted time could have actually been considered playing Summoner’s Court. No one thus far had been able to score with all three of their balls, and most couldn’t get a ball to move at all. Professor Ronan assured every group as they tried that this skill would take time, and that he had the utmost confidence that everyone would be able to play non-verbally with more practice over the next several lessons.

After a few other pairs had attempted, Professor Ronan called on you and Leander to try. Stepping up onto the platform, Leander gestured to you, allowing you to go first.

Your head was clouded from your conversation with Sebastian, but you were confident, your use of ancient magic being non verbal, you were more than sure you could manage a simple summoning charm silently. You swished your wand, focusing as best you could at the moment on one of the red balls, willing it towards you… but nothing happened.

It should have been Leander’s turn after your first attempt, but he shook his head, gesturing for you to keep trying. “You go again. You can do this, focus.” He encouraged.

You nodded and took a deep breath, grit your teeth, and tried to focus all of your energy on bringing your ball into the 50 point section of the board. But again, nothing happened. You sighed, letting your hands fall to your side. “You try.” You told Leander, your frustration with yourself evident in your voice.

Leander adjusted his stance and took several deep breaths with his eyes closed, readying himself. Once completely focused, he cast silently, once of the blue balls rolling half a meter towards him, not earning him a score, but still doing enough to earn praise from Professor Ronan.

You tried to smile, but your voice was defeated. “Well done.” You told Leander as you stepped forward, this time attempting to copy his focusing method, your eyes closed, breathing deeply, before attempting your second turn. This time, the red ball you’d been aiming at rocked in place a bit. Not what you were hoping for, you shook your head at yourself and stepped back.

The two went back and forth practicing a few more times and exhausting the rest of your allotted time, before Professor Ronan reset the court and the next pair of your classmates gave it their shot. You and Leander took a seat in the garden, watching the rest of your classmates trying their luck. You leaned back on your hands trying to relax a bit and pretending you hadn’t just made a fool of yourself when you knew everyone would have been expecting more from you after your accomplishments of the previous year.

You could feel Leander’s eyes on you as you watched intently your classmates similar failures. “We could both use some more practice.” He said casually, in a hushed tone as not to be overheard by the professor or your peers sat in the grass scattered around you.

“Mhm.�� You hummed, not turning to look at him, for fear his competitive side would rub your crushing defeat into your face.

“I’d be keen to continue practicing together, if you’d be.” He said softly.

“Oh... We can do that, sure.” You agreed, pleasantly surprised that he didn’t give you the snark you’d become used to hearing from him around the castle. The two of you quietly chatted a bit more, as class progressed, deciding to meet during your free period on Wednesday.

~~~

Through your classes, the need to speak with Ominis lingered in the back of your mind. But getting the Slytherin alone was proving to be more difficult that you’d anticipated. You shared a several common classes, double Herbology, History of Magic, Potions… But at every strike of the clock as it dismissed lessons, he was too quickly out the door and into the sea of other students in the castle for you to approach him.

It was midweek when you’d found him in the Library before breakfast. You’d taken to seeking him out outside of classes as it was clear he was avoiding you during them. Not expecting your – or anyone else’s – presence so early, he startled when you softly spoke his name into the quiet room.

“Ominis… Can we talk?” You asked.

He set his wand down along the center of the book he’d been reading, and turned towards the direction of your voice. “I’ve already spoken with Sebastian. Has he put you up to this?”

You hesitated for a moment. “I wanted to talk to you, regardless of what Sebastian told me of his conversation with you... Did you get my letters over summer holiday?” You asked as you sank into the chair across the table from him.

“I did. I can appreciate that you’re regretful of how things happened last year, but you… you convinced me to betray my morals on more than one occasion and I have not forgiven you, nor am I sure that I ever will.” Ominis said. “And I am finding it hard to believe that you’re not here right now to try to convince me to betray Anne’s trust by giving Sebastian her whereabouts. He asked you to speak with me, don’t lie to me.”

“He did…” You admitted, leaning forward and keeping your voice down to keep the conversation private. “Ominis, that’s his sister, the only family he has left, and who’s time is likely limited… Don’t you think it’s a bit cruel of you to keep that from him?”

“Cruel of me?” Ominis asked with a scoff. “We can have a discussion what cruelty actually is, if that’s what you would like to do, MC.”

He was clearly offended at your remark, and against your better judgment, you continued to push him. “It shouldn’t be up to you whether or not Sebastian gets the opportunity to say his piece to his sister. It can be up to her to respond, but it isn’t your place to keep that chance from him.”

“I gave Anne my word and I intend to keep it. If she chooses to connect with him, she knows where he is to send him an owl.” Ominis said with finality.

“Ominis…”

“You will not sway me again, MC!” He almost shouted, rising slightly from his chair and turning the heads of several other early rising students who were already in the library.

A defeated sigh was the last thing out of your mouth before you rose from the table and headed out of the library, and towards the Great Hall, where breakfast would be beginning to be served momentarily.

You really had given it your best attempt, trying to play at Ominis’s heart but his conviction to keeping his word to Anne was making him unreasonably stubborn, and now, you had to deliver word to Sebastian.

You were one of the first in the Great Hall that morning. You didn’t bother fixing yourself a plate just yet, as you sat at the Gryffindor table, eyes locked across the room, waiting for Sebastian to make his appearance so you could undoubtedly ruin his day with the news that you couldn’t win over Ominis this time… You were dreading it.

You sat about 15 minutes before Sebastian came through the tall wooden doors into the Great Hall, and you started making your way towards him quickly, before he’d even reached his seat, the other Gryffindors who’d meandered their way to your table turning to you in confusion over how someone could seem to have so much vigor so early in the morning on a Wednesday.

Sebastian caught your eyes as you headed his way, meeting you at his table, you sunk onto the bench beside each other, he wasted no time in giving you an expectant look. “Well, have you spoken to Ominis? Do you know where she is?”

“I’m sorry… Sebastian. I tried reasoning with him… He’s not planning on telling you, and he wouldn’t tell me. He’s not forgiven me for my part in things and he doesn’t want to speak to me at all, it would seem.” You said as gently as you possibly could, your hand on his shoulder while you gave him the news.

Sebastian said nothing, kept his eyes straight ahead as you told him, bit his lip, likely to keep himself from saying something to you that he’d regret. You could see the rage beginning to simmer up within him, and a moment later, as the hall started to fill with more students, he got up and stormed towards the doors.

You were certain he was heading to the Undercroft, so you got up and went after him, the two of you making you way to the Defense Against the Dark Arts tower quickly, and through the clockwork door to the secret room.

No sooner did the gate slam down behind you did Sebastian turn to face you, his brows furrowed in anger. “That might have been my last shot at finding out where Anne is… And you blew it!” He said, his last words laced with venom.

You were taken aback that his outburst was directed at you. “Sebastian, I did my best, he shouted at me in the library he was so angry. I did all that I could.”

“You must have used the wrong approach with him! You’ve always been able to get through to him!!”

“Well, he’s not happy with that fact!” You spat back.

“Just go, MC. You’ve done enough.” He said. When you didn’t make a move for the gate, he stepped towards you, making you take a step back. “GO!”

Finally you did turn to leave, looking back over your shoulder at the brooding boy as you raised the gate. You wanted to say more, to sympathize with your friend, but he wasn’t having it at all, at the moment, and so you left.

Breakfast was still being served and would be for awhile longer, but you no longer had an appetite, your stomach twisting in unwarranted guilt. You knew you tried your best, but still, you felt as though you failed.

I did fail. You thought.

Your mind spiraled as you made your way back to your common room. Knowing that you had a free period after breakfast, you let yourself fall into your bed before drawing the surrounding curtains shut and burying your face in your pillow.

Your pillow growing damp beneath your tears, you slowly began to doze off. Your mental exhaustion overriding the fact that you’d only been awake for a couple hours. Before succumbing completely to sleep, you pulled your curtain back a tad, and pointed your wand at your alarm clock, charming it to wake you before your first class of the day.

About an hour later you awoke, your little nap not making you feel any better as a creeping sense of dread weighed in your mind.

I let Sebastian down.

You pulled yourself from your bed, standing in front of the mirror for a moment to straighten out your uniform and fixing your robe which you hadn’t even bothered to remove.

Heading back down to the common room, you intended to grab an apple to tide you over until lunch, but yet another set of disappointed eyes caught yours as you made your way to the fruit bowl.

Leander. Fuck! You’d made plans to practice non verbal casting with him during the free period you’d just slept through. You didn’t think you could feel any more guilty than you already did, but you proved yourself wrong instantly when those deep brown eyes of his met yours, giving you a look of questioning as he closed the book he’d been reading.

“Leander, I’m so sorry! I totally forgot we were supposed to meet outside an hour ago.” You said as you approached, taking a seat next to him on the sofa near the fireplace.

“I waited fifteen minutes… I don’t like being stood up.” He said, annoyance clear in his voice. “Were you sleeping?” He asked, turning in his seat to face you better. He looked you over, taking in the state of your hair… something you hadn’t bothered fixing, and your wrinkled robe. “In your uniform?”

You nodded, your eyes towards the floor in embarrassment.

You were expecting judgment, perhaps even criticism… But the look on his face softened as his eyes studied your face. “Look MC, if there’s something going on, you can tell me.”

Merlin did you want to. You wanted to spill everything you were feeling just to get the weight off of your chest and maybe hear that not everything was your fault, but you bit back the urge to vent. “Can we just reschedule? I still really need the practice and I promise, I won’t forget next time.”

Leander sighed, seeing that he wasn’t getting anywhere with you at the moment. “Sure, we can reschedule.” And so the it was decide. Same time Friday, during your shared free period after breakfast.

~~~

Sebastian had been distant from you following your tiff days prior, and Ominis made himself scarce, never lingering after classes, his guard up at all times. You were still feeling an overwhelming sense of loss after Fig, and the dissolution of the little trio that had gotten you through your fifth year was only adding to that feeling.

Through it all though, you were looking forward to practicing some non verbal Summoner’s Court with Leander. Anything to get your mind into a better state was welcomed right now, even if it was essentially just extra class work.

When your free period Friday morning came around, you were tired as you made your way outside to the Summoner’s Court platform. Leander was waiting there already, smiling at you as you approached.

“Morning. Ready to get the ball rolling?” He asked as you stepped up on the platform, chuckling at his own pun with a smirk on his face.

“Hopefully I can get it rolling this time.” You remarked, eyes rolling at his joke. “How’d you do it so easily in class the other day?”

He shrugged. “Was just focused. It seemed like your mind was elsewhere. I think that was your problem.”

Oh, how right he was. You weren’t sure if Leander had always been so annoyingly perceptive or if it was just that overtly obvious that you were already really going through it this year. You nodded at his assertion. “I will try to focus harder. You go first.”

In the same manner he had during class the other day, Leander shut his eyes and took several deep breaths. “Focus on your breathing, let everything else fade away. Concentrate on the ball.” He told you, before pointing his wand and willing one of the balls towards him, without saying the incantation.

He did even better than he had in class, scoring 30 points for himself. He pumped his fist in excitement for himself, before his eyes darted to yours as though seeking validation. He looked almost guilty for doing well at something you’d struggled with. You met him with a smile.

“Good job! Seriously, that’s very impressive. Non verbal casting is supposed to be really difficult. You’re making it look easy.”

“I may have practiced a bit more when I was waiting on you the other day.” He said with a little grin. He took a few steps back and gestured for you to take your turn. “I know you can do this.”

You knew you could too. If learning non verbal casting was something that was taught midway through fifth year, no doubt you’d have crushed the challenge. You’d felt like you could do anything then. This year was different. You did your best to clear your head of everything else that was weighing you down, of your feelings of inadequacy, of your crumbling friendships. You kept your eyes locked on your ball as you cast and this time it came rolling towards you, stopping beside Leander’s.

“You did it! Nicely done!” He exclaimed as you jumped and laughed.

You couldn’t explain why, but in that moment, you had a strong urge to throw your arms around his neck and embrace him… and it seemed like he felt it too. He took a step closer to you, holding eye contact with you, each of you with a wide grin on your face. He reached out towards you then hesitated before playfully nudging your shoulder, then cleared his throat.

“Thank you!” You replied, a beat too late for the pause to not be slightly uncomfortable.

As small as the achievement was, it had been awhile since you felt like you accomplished something… and the last time you had, any feeling of pride you had were quickly swallowed by overwhelming loss and guilt. But not this time. You felt genuine joy, if only for a few moments, before a palpable awkwardness settled between the two of you.

“You’re up.” You said and looked away for just a moment, before stepping back and watching Leander gather himself, closing his eyes to concentrate.

By the end of your shared free period, you’d completed a few games of Summoner’s Court, getting better with your non verbal casts each round, and sharpened your wit with some friendly banter. Score wise, you’d lost to Leander every round, but the score wasn’t what mattered this time, so you took your losses gracefully, and Leander didn’t gloat this time. You were confident now that next Charms class, you’d be able to show Professor Ronan some serious improvement.

The rest of your day was largely uneventful. The small victories you had with your non verbal casting had you in a good mood that spanned most of the rest of the day, until you got to your first double lesson of the day – Herbology – which was shared with the Slytherins. Back in fifth year, in these double lessons, you’d sit between Sebastian and Ominis, but of course that changed with the start of sixth year. Ominis would sit himself clear across the room whenever he could, leaving you beside Sebastian. But today, with Sebastian still bemoaning the fact that despite your best efforts, you couldn’t get Ominis to divulge Anne’s whereabouts, Sebastian sat himself as far away from you as he could, too.

So you were agitated in Herbology, feeling a bit alone, until the empty potting station that Sebastian usually filled beside you, was instead filled by Leander. You were fine with this, but when you looked Sebastian’s way from across and down the row, he was in the middle of the most dramatic eye roll you’d ever seen, followed by a look of contempt over your new company. You shook your head and rolled your eyes at Sebastian, Leander sitting by, watching the silent exchange.

“What’s got his wand in a knot?” Leander asked quietly, leaning in towards you a bit with his eyes still on Sebastian. He’d been able to tell since the other day in the Great Hall that something was off to do with you and the Slytherin, regardless of the fact you told him otherwise.

“Who knows.” You replied dismissively. You weren’t about to tell Leander that of course Sebastian wouldn’t be happy that you were spending time with someone he considered to be a bit of a rival whilst the two of you were in a petty spat.

Leander sighed. You knew your reply wasn’t good enough for him, and you didn’t doubt that he actually cared about whatever you were going through that was clearly troubling you. But Herbology class wasn’t the time or place for that conversation, and you weren’t sure if such a time or place even existed... You had too much else on your mind to stop and consider the growing feeling of warmth you had when in Leander’s presence.

The sound of Professor Garlick’s voice ringing through the greenhouse drew all attention to her. Leander had looked like he’d wanted to say something else to you, but he thought better of it, and turned his head to face the Professor. The class listened attentively to her explaining that the Fanged Geraniums would need tended to regularly this term, and that each student would be expected to procure several fangs for used in Potions later on in the year. You and the rest of your peers donned the precautionary dragon hide gloves and got to work.

As class was dismissed, you were shoving your gloves and textbook back into your satchel, chatting casually with both Leander and Garreth who had been seated to Leander’s other side, when Sebastian passed by making his exit from the greenhouse, bumping his shoulder hard into yours in the process.

Leander and Garreth both shot him a look before turning back to you, expressions of ‘what the hell?’ on their faces. You scoffed, excusing yourself from your housemates, and followed Sebastian out of the room, grabbing his arm and pulling him aside in the greenhouses atrium for a word. You kept hold of his arm and watched the rest of your classmates filter slowly out of the greenhouse and through the large doors returning to the castle, ensuring you were alone before addressing him. Your Gryffindor friends brought up the rear of the line, Leander looking over his shoulder at you before disappearing through the large green doors.

You released Sebastian’s arm before you spoke. “Have you got something to say?” You asked Sebastian, returning every bit of snark he’d given you through Herbology.

“No, I don’t.” He said, standing with his arms crossed in front of you.

“Well, I do. How long are you going to be angry at me when I tried to help you? I tried speaking to Ominis. I did all I could.”

“As long as I want.” He replied, sounding like a petulant child, taking a bratty stance with his weight shifted to one leg, his arms still folded as he looked at you.

“This is ridiculous, Sebastian! We’ve both already lost our friendships with Ominis, do you really want to lose each other too?” You tried to reason with him. The argument was so obvious to you, you couldn't wrap your head around why he was acting this way.

He smirked and rolled his eyes. “What do you care? You’ve got Prewett and Weasley now.”

You laughed and shook your head. “Don’t be daft! You know you’re my best friend!”

“Right. I’ve got to get to class.” He said and headed off without another word.

You shut your eyes tight and leaned back against the glass wall as he walked away, disappearing through the doors exiting the atrium. You heard him shout at someone, or perhaps at his own situation, after the door had shut behind him, but you couldn’t make out what he’d said.

You sank down the wall, letting your head fall to your bent knees, wondering how despite your best efforts, rather than him coming around after a few days had passed, things with Sebastian had somehow seemed to get worse.

Could I have done something differently? Did I take the wrong approach speaking with Ominis?

Thoughts of what you could have done and things you should have said instead flooded your mind, and you could feel tears threatening to spill over your eyelids. You could have easily let yourself wallow in your feelings – it was difficult to think of doing mostly anything else at the moment – but you had Transfiguration class to get to, so you wiped your eyes, pulled yourself up, and headed to class, arriving only a minute or so late.

~~~

You absentmindedly went through the motions that propelled you through the rest of the school day, your exchange with Sebastian occupying far too much of your mind.

Why did he have to be so difficult?

You attempted to relax amongst your housemates that evening in the common room around the fire, your legs curled comfortably underneath you in an armchair with a book on your lap, your eyes laid on the page unmoving, the chatter around you sounding dull in your ears as your mind wandered elsewhere. Not waiting to be the first of your peers to retire to bed for the evening, you waited awhile, daydreaming, as one by one they slowly left your peripheral vision to head upstairs to the dorms. You nodded and said goodnight to those sitting around you as you headed upstairs to your dorm to ready yourself for bed.

You settled yourself into bed and drew the surrounding curtains closed tight. You knew that sleep would not come easily to you tonight, your mind playing and replaying your exchange with Sebastian.

You tossed and turned until your exhaustion finally won out over your minds inexplicable need to dwell on conversations you couldn’t change.

Scenes of fifth year played in your mind, flashes of green light mixed with images of things you wished you could forget... Sebastian’s face as he uttered the spell that would end his uncle’s life and simultaneously end his closest friendships... Professor Figs body slowly giving in to its final rest after helping you through a battle no teenager should have had to go through in the first place… Things that most people wouldn’t be able to fathom in their wildest dreams was your history, and it plagued your present, even in your sleep.

Two hours had passed when you shot straight up, tears in your eyes, your breath coming in gasps and your forehead sweaty, as you realized it was just a nightmare. You were no longer under the castle in your personal hell, but in your bed. The panic slowly subsided, but you couldn’t lay back down just yet. You slowly pulled your bed curtains open, your eyes adjusting to the darkness of the dorm, all was still and silent in the room around you.

If you were being honest, you were surprised the nightmares hadn’t hit you sooner upon your return to Hogwarts. Through the summer holiday, they had been frequent. You made your way down to the common room, needing time to clear your head before you’d feel comfortable enough to try to sleep again.

The large room was quiet and dim, such a stark contrast to how lively it was during the day. It was almost eerie. You headed for your favorite armchair but froze in your tracks when you noticed a tuft of fiery red hair against the back of the sofa next to it.

“Leander?” You asked. Your voice into the silence of the room startling him.

His body turned and his head whipped around to face you. “MC, what are you doing up?” He asked, surprised by the sudden company, but not sounding unhappy to see you.

“Couldn’t sleep.” You replied simply, and headed to sit near him, taking the spot on the other end of the sofa rather than on the armchair as you’d planned to.

The smile he had when he first turned and saw you faded as he looked you over, taking in the small details that gave away that you were not awake right now by choice. Your hair at your scalp was damp with sweat and your eyes were red as though you’d been crying. Your skin was pale, unsettled from the fright that had awoken you.

“What’s wrong?” His tone now taking on a more serious edge, genuine concern filling his voice and plain to see on his face.

“I uh... I had a nightmare. That’s all.” You said, offering him a half smile. “It’s fine… I sort of... get them a lot.”

“Looks like it was a hell of a nightmare.” He said.

You sighed and nodded, settling yourself more comfortably in your seat. Silence filled the air again. You could hardly take his eyes lingering on you, studying you as you sat there. “What were you doing up?” You asked him to break the silence.

He held up a book that was sat beside him. “Lost track of time reading.” He said and shrugged. “It’s easy to do when the common room is quiet.”

You just nodded, the air awkward between the two of you.

He looked at you incredulously, not wanting to be insensitive but also seemingly wanting to say more. “If I may, um… I get the feeling that a nightmare isn’t the only thing that’s been bothering you.” He said and turned his body on the sofa to face you better. “You’ve been off since the train ride here.”

You nodded slowly. His assertion shocked you in the way it was totally spot on. His perceptiveness made you chuckle a bit, mostly in embarrassment, for the fact that he’d caught on so early and actually seemed to care enough to call you on your behavior.

“What gave it away?” You asked him.

“We were on that train for hours, and you never once turned the page in the book you were staring at.” He said rather bluntly, but the look in his eyes told you he was nervous bringing it up

You grinned a bit, as did he after you reacted first. “Noted. I’ll try to be more convincing next time.” You said, a tinge of sass in your voice perhaps as a way to downplay his observations.

But at the same time… though a part of you wanted to keep your struggles internal, another part of you, perhaps an equally large part, felt good knowing he could really see you. Perhaps you weren’t quite as alone as you felt.

But Leander wasn’t finished yet. “I can tell there is something wrong between you and Sebastian. And Ominis. The three of you were inseparable last year and now…” He trailed off and cleared his throat, not wanting to get too deep into what he knew would likely be a painful topic for you. “I know it isn't my business, but if you wanted to talk…”

You felt a pull to tell him, a feeling you had a few days prior, when you’d slept through your plans with him… and the feeling was only stronger now. But again, you bit it back.

“I’m fine. And my friends and I will be fine.” You said, trying to sound more confident in this statement than you actually were. You could tell from his facial expression that your attempt was not successful.

What could he really say to that, though? He didn’t believe you but he wasn’t about to beg you for information you were clearly too stubborn to offer to him, even when he could tell you could use a friend. You could see him pondering but all he did was shrug and offer up, “Well, I read in the common room most nights, when it quiets down. If you ever want a listening ear, or some company.”

You offered him a little smile, and nodded in acknowledgment of his offer. “I appreciate it, really. But, I won’t keep you from your book any longer tonight. I’m heading back to bed.” You told him before getting up and heading back upstairs and to your dorm.

~~~

The longer Sebastian went without coming around and apologizing to you like you’d expected him to do within a few days of your little spat, the worse your days seemed to get. You knew he was stubborn, but the more time between you, the less hopeful you were for him to realize he was in the wrong here.

A week out from your last words with Sebastian, you were still quite hurt, but now anger had settled in alongside of it. A good day, in the past week, would have been defined by not begrudgingly sneering at other’s friend groups as they enjoyed their time between classes or at meal times. You didn’t have a good day in the last week.

It felt too early in the year for you to be mindlessly going through the motions, but that was the point you were at. Your classes, that should have been interesting and engaging to you simply felt lackluster. You had been looking forward to Crossed Wands to ease the drone of lessons, but like everything else in your life at the current moment, it just couldn’t go as you’d planned.

After Sebastian dodged you during the first rounds of Crossed Wands for the year, partnering up with Nerida Roberts instead, you were less confident than ever that he’d decide to make amends. Dueling against him, rather than beside him wasn’t something you pictured yourself ever doing, but you fell into a rhythm dueling alongside of Leander instead, and it went better than you could have imagined. The two of you were focused, and seemed to anticipate each others next move with incredible accuracy, playing to each others strengths and weaknesses, and coming out on top in the end.

That win did great things for you self esteem, which had been suffering tremendously as of late in the absence of your two closest friends from the year before. For a few precious moments, you weren’t thinking of the things you’d lost out on lately. You let yourself be present in the moment, and to feel happiness. You watched Sebastian brood in his loss, a look of disgust on his face, while you felt yourself being pulled into a tight embrace from behind, and felt your feet leave the stone floor beneath you. Turning your head to the side, you blushed, catching a glimpse of Leander’s wide grin as he celebrated your efforts, playfully lifting you up for a moment whilst cheering.

Sebastian’s loss, along with witnessing Leander’s triumphant display with you seemed to add fuel to the Slytherin’s fire, sharing no post duel pleasantries with you as a graceful loser would, he marched through the gates and out of the clock tower while glaring daggers at you. Even with the threatening look on his face, it was hard to feel too upset by Sebastian’s disdain when your chest was fluttering at the sensation of having been wrapped in Leander’s arms just moments prior.

Despite your win, after an overall not so great week and with a larger distance between you and the friend you longed to be close with again, your nightmares that night came with a vengeance, as though punishing you for feeling a shred of normalcy. You were always quick to slip from your dorm when you’d wake in the night, chest heaving. You never wanted to bother your dorm mates, your startles were never silent. Tonight you shot awake with scrambled images of Sebastian, and the look he gave you as he stormed from the clock tower, in your mind. Although you couldn’t make sense of what had actually transpired in your dream, you had a heavy feeling in your chest, as though you and he had been fighting. It felt all too real, and left you choking tears at the thought. Your body was trembling as you descended the stairs into the common room shortly after midnight, a cold sweat on your brow leaving you with chills.

You let out a quiet sigh in relief seeing Leander, knowing you didn’t have to be alone this evening while you calmed yourself. Noticing the sound of feet on the common room floor coming from behind him, Leander peered over his shoulder to see you, and shut his book as you sat on the sofa beside him.

“Another nightmare?” He asked as you wrapped your robe around you and tucked your legs under your body as you settled next to him.

“Mhm.” You said and nodded. You were quiet for several moments, you gaze lingering on the fireplace in front of you, seemingly in a daydream. Your mind was turning over the idea that you may well have truly lost your friendship with your Slytherin counterpart, as the details of your nightmare started to come back to you. You just couldn’t shake the feeling your dream had left you with.

“You alright?” Leander asked quietly.

You heard his words but didn’t answer or even turn to look at him. Tears welled and threatened to spill and that just wasn’t something you wanted Leander to see from you. Burying your face in your hands, you muttered that you were fine, but your body language pointed to the contrary. Feeling weak for your emotions and for your vulnerability, you let out a frustrated sigh, then felt a warm hand on your back.

“Come on, come here.” He said softly. His hand moved from your upper back to your shoulder, and pulling you to him gently. You let out a breath and laid your head on his shoulder, allowing him to comfort you. “You aren’t alone. Even if it feels like you are.”

“Thank you, Leander.” You said, turning your body towards his and letting him envelope you in his embrace while your head nuzzled below his chin. You draped an arm across his body, returning his affections, though still unsure what it all meant. You could admit to yourself what you felt about him... the pull deep within you that willed you close to him any chance you could be, and the butterflies that swirled in your chest at his proximity… You liked him. A lot. Even when all of his attention could easily be explained away as friendly, you basked in it, wondering if he felt the same.

After a few moments silence you offered, “I wish I could tell you everything… but much of what is troubling me aren’t my issues to share.”

“Why does that not surprise me, MC?” He asked with a dry, humorless laugh. “You’re always there for everyone else, bearing their burdens, but what about yo-”

You cut him off mid thought, “I don’t need a lecture.”

“No, you don’t, do you? You already know where I was heading.” He said and sighed, holding you a little tighter, his hand slowly running up and down your upper arm.

And you did know where he was going. You knew deep down you did a lot for your friends, perhaps even too much, to the point where anyone’s disappointment in you for any shortcomings, haunted your sleep. But you’d always been a people pleaser. You wanted to help your friends. And you thought it was better for you to say yes and fail, than to say no and not try. Or at least… that’s what you always told yourself.

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t my place to say anything.” Leander said after a few moments contemplation.

“It’s okay.” You took slow, deep breaths, letting yourself calm down in his arms. You focused on the gentle feeling of his fingers along your arm, and the crackling fire in front of the two of you, relaxing for several long minutes in comfortable silence before either of you spoke again.

“It’s getting really late.” He said. A gentle way to suggest that you head back to sleep, likely so he could get some rest himself.

You nodded, sitting up slowly, meeting his eyes and exchanging shy smiles with each other. Leander’s cheeks were always rosy but tonight you noticed they were especially so. “Good night, Leander.” You told him before getting up from the sofa. “Thank you again, for being here.”

“Of course. Good night, MC.” He said. Leander watched you as you left the common room and headed up the stairs towards the dorms, staying back just a few more minutes to finish the chapter in the book he’d been reading when you’d came down earlier.

~~~

When you made your way into the Potions classroom the following day after lunch, you did not expect to see Sebastian setting his materials up at the station you’d been sharing with Leander and Garreth for the past week and a half. Thinking of the sight before you further, you knew he’d have intentionally gotten to the classroom early in order to be able to secure the spot.

Of your new Gryffindor trio, you were the first to the classroom and you headed straight up to Sebastian, a look of curiosity on your face as you greeted him cautiously with a nod. “Sebastian.”

“Hey.” He said softly, his brows furrowed in what looked to be embarrassment as you set up your station beside him. “Can you meet me in the Undercroft after the lesson?” He asked you, leaning close, his voice hushed.

You nodded, a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. In your heart, you knew one of two possibilities would be incoming. He would either plead for you to talk to Ominis again… Something you’d have to refuse for your own good… Or he’d apologize for the stress he’d caused you lately. You were crossing your fingers for the latter.

Your classmates slowly started to trickle into the room as time drew closer for the lesson. Leander arrived before Garreth and rather apprehensively claimed the third and final station at your table, leaving the other Gryffindor with an amused and confused expression as he entered a few moments later, eyeing up the configuration and chuckling as he approached.

“Right, good luck with that.” Garreth said, nudging your shoulder in jest as he walked past to take an empty spot at the next grouping of tables.

Tension was thick around you, but before things could become too uncomfortable, Professor Sharp made his entrance and began the lesson, commanding everyone attention, and giving you something else to focus on besides the odd mix of your friends around you.

The hands on lesson was a welcomed distraction, while it lasted, but once it was over, you felt the knot in your stomach pulling you back to earth as Sebastian met you with expectant eyes as your peers gathered their belongings and left the room slowly.

“MC?” It was Leander’s voice that snapped you from your thoughts as you packed your potions book into your satchel. “Would you like to walk to Transfiguration together?” He offered.

“Oh… I – um, I’ll meet you there. You go on.” You said, tripping over your words.

You could see the look of disappointment on his face, as subtle as it was. In a way, it made you feel good, the small indication that he wanted to spend any extra time with you that he could – you wanted the time with him too. But your plans with Sebastian came first, and so you followed the Slytherin out of the room as Leander finished packing away his materials. Walking quickly to catch up with Sebastian, the two of you made your ways through the corridors silently side by side, through the sea of other students, and to the Defense Against the Dark Arts tower.

Waiting until the coast was clear, the two of you entered the clockwork door of the Undercroft, heading into the dank expanse of the room, a sense of dread of what was to come filling you. Sebastian leaned back against one of the large stone columns in the center of the room, his hand at the back of his neck as he contemplated his words. You sat atop an adjacent stack of crates in waiting, your eyes on the ground, as not to pressure him to speak before he was ready.

After a few moments, Sebastian cleared his throat and let out a groan. “Look, MC. I’m... sorry.” He said, his voice slow and resolute.

You met his gaze and exhaled a sigh of relief as he uttered the words you’d been wanting to hear for the better part of two weeks. You hoisted yourself from the stack of crates, moving to him with arms open, and he met you with an equally enthusiastic embrace.

He continued muttering his apologies with his face buried in the crook of your neck. “It wasn’t fair of me to take out my anger on you, especially when you tried to help me.” He said, his voice now cracking with emotion. “Will you please forgive me? I need my best friend back.”

“I’ll forgive you.” You said, and immediately felt his arms tighten around you, and heard his sigh of relief.

“Thank you, MC. You���re too good a friend to me.” He said, finally releasing you from his embrace, allowing you to step back a bit, and smooth out your robes. You nodded at his words and he gave you one of his little half smiles. “You ought to get to Transfiguration... You’ll probably be late as it is. Sorry for that, too.” He added.

“Right... I’ll see you later on, then, yeah?” You hated that you had to cut your making of amends short, but he was right, you had a class to get to.

“Mhm. Homework in the library after lessons?” He proposed – a ritual that the two of you had adopted during fifth year that you were all to eager to resume.

“I’ll meet you then.” You told him, a grin on your face as you turned to leave for class, waving over your shoulder at Sebastian as you headed through the gate and out of the Undercroft.

It felt as though a weight had been lifted from your shoulders, as you headed to your next class. The stress and anxiety you’d been carrying recently seemingly melted away with Sebastian’s apologies, and there was a lightness to your stride you hadn’t had in days.

Your change in mood didn’t go unnoticed when you finally strode through the door and into the Transfiguration classroom, just a few minutes late. Professor Weasley gave you a stern look, pausing her lesson just for a moment as you took your seat beside Leander.

“That will be five points from Gryffindor, MC. For your lack of punctuality.”

“Sorry professor.” You said as you pulled your materials from your satchel. Professor Weasley resumed her lesson while you quickly got to the corresponding page in your textbook. Despite the loss of house points, you were still feeling better than you had in awhile.

“You’re too cheery for someone showing up late to class and losing house points.” Leander remarked under his breath, noticing the subtle grin on your face as you got settled.

“Maybe so.” You grinned and whispered back, before turning your attention to Professor Weasley for the remainder of the class period.

~~~

Following the days lessons, you excused yourself from your house mates as you left Transfiguration, parting ways to meet with Sebastian, you made your way to the Library. Sitting with him in the back corner of the Library, leaning over your parchment and text books, working together while conversing and making jokes, it had felt as though the argument that plagued your mind as of late hadn’t even happened.

You told him of your nightmares, for which he apologized. You teased him playfully for yours and Leander’s win in crossed wands, a victory he finally admitted was well earned and deserved. It was in these moments of banter you knew that your friendship would be okay. It had survived many trials before, and this likely wouldn’t be the last, but you were more confident than ever that it would stand the test of time.

Homework long completed and dinner fast approaching, you and Sebastian headed for the Great Hall together, where you joined him at the Slytherin table for a meal the first time since sixth year began. You were comfortable. Happy.

Remaining in the Great Hall well past dinner, you and Sebastian watched as few at a time the other students around you headed back to their common rooms for the evening, while the two of you took your time having an evening spot of tea.

When you did finally go your separate ways that evening, you were still riding a bit of a high when you made your way through the Fat Lady’s portrait and into your common room just before curfew. The room was still lively, with mostly fellow sixth, and seventh years about, while most of the younger students were in their dorms. You crossed the room towards Nellie, Garreth and Leander near the fireplace, the boys hunched over a wizard’s chess board on the sofa between them, and Nellie perched on the arm rest of the sofa behind Garreth.

Garreth was muttering under his breath as you joined the group. You sat on the armrest behind Leander, peering over him at the game board, one of Garreth’s rooks being brutally overtaken by one of Leander’s knights.

“Merlin, I’m terrible at this…” Garreth muttered.

“Well, there’s only one way to get better. Keep playing.” Leander told him, chuckling as he awaited Garreth’s next move.

You and Nellie watched the game unfold quietly, letting the boys focus. After about forty minutes, Garreth had officially lost, his last piece tossed unceremoniously off the board by one of Leander’s remaining pieces.

“Right, I’m going to bed.” Garreth said, clapping his hands against his thighs before standing up and stretching, clearly over the game and it’s outcome.

“Oh come on Garreth, don’t be a sore loser.” Leander teased.

Garreth stood from the sofa, shoving Leander’s shoulder playfully as he passed. “Naw, it’s more fun this way.” He said. “Night Lee.” He added as he and Nellie headed out of the common room and up the stairs towards the dorms.

The common room was quiet and empty now, your peers having retired to their dorms while you’d been spectating the game. You moved to sit where Garreth had been, and Leander picked up the chess pieces, putting them back into the folded board for storage. “Good to see that you and Sebastian made up.” Leander said, once your other friends were out of earshot, setting the chessboard aside and turning to face you as he relaxed against the back of the sofa.

You nodded, smiling. “Finally.” You agreed. You knew he’d have something to say of the matter, knowing that Sebastian would have been the reason you were late to Transfiguration after his reappearance at your table in Potions. He’d have seen the pair of you through dinner, and would likely have drawn some conclusions.

“I suppose that’ll be the end of your nightmares.” He said, his eyes right on yours, and an almost wistful expression on his face, his cheeks rosy, as though he was embarrassed he’d even said anything.

“Maybe for now.” You shrugged. “That’s a good thing, though.” You said, though you understood where his feelings were coming from. It was clear to you through his actions lately, that he really enjoyed you coming to him in the night, when you needed comfort. You enjoyed it too, and he deserved to know.

You scooted closer to him, taking his hand and holding it as it rest in his lap. “It doesn’t mean I’ll stop spending time with you in the evenings, though.”

“Oh?” He questioned, his lips curling into a little smile while his gaze laid on your entwined fingers.

“Just because I might not have nightmares as frequently anymore, doesn’t mean I won’t still want to be close to you.” You said, your thumb rubbing gently against the back of his hand. “You make me feel comfortable… and safe.” You admitted.

“That’s… All I wanted to hear.” He said quietly, his grin spreading as you gave him a look of adoration.

Without a word in response from you, he leaned in towards you, gently pressing his lips to yours, still holding you hand. His lips were soft against yours, the kiss short and chaste but more than enough to make your heart race and your cheeks flush pink. His lips had barely parted from yours when your eyes met for a moment and you moved your free hand to his cheek, your gaze dropping from his eyes to his lips, guiding him to kiss you again, this time with an urgency… you wanted more.

You felt his hands at your waist, pulling you closer to him. Your hand ran up his chest to his shoulder, then to his neck deepening your kiss with a gentle tug there as you parted your lips for his. Leander groaned as his tongue brushed you lip before delving into your mouth, your kiss becoming heated, and only breaking when you were both short of breath.

Leander let out an amused sigh, shaking his head, seeming to be in almost disbelief of the kiss you’d shared, his already ruddy cheeks growing even redder the longer your eyes drank him in.

“That was… better than I’d hoped.” You said, smiling at him and taking his hand in yours again, your face as red as his, your heart still racing.

“So you were hoping to kiss me then?” He asked playfully, and you nodded. “Only good dreams from now on.” He said. “I’ll make sure of it.”

[the-eeveekins]

The 19th Day of G-Witch: Our Empty Selves

Can I just say that I love the word "ramoodles?" It's just fun to say. That said, as someone who copes with depression by eating so much I don't allow a single negative thought to occur, I relate hard to Suletta here.

Miorine's expressions while dealing with Prospera are great. She's completely out of her depth when dealing with this woman and she just cannot keep up. But, in all fairness to Miorine, so is pretty much everyone else. Even Shaddiq was completely outplayed by her.

This smile is literally blink-and-you'll-miss-it, in fact, it's so quick you'll probably miss it anyway as I think it's literally just a couple frames (it was actually very hard getting the timing right to take these two screenshots).

But anyway, just a little bit of Felchu food.

Chuchu is just a really good friend. Just like everyone else, she can tell Suletta is pretending that she's fine, and she hates seeing Suletta blame herself for something Miorine did to her. But she's the one who ultimately confronts Suletta and pushes her to directly confront Miorine about what happened.

Once again, Prospera doesn't have to try hard to manipulate Miorine into doing what she wants. She merely shows and tells her just enough for Miorine to make the decisions that benefit her the most and align with her plans. At this point I don't even think Miorine herself realizes that she's completely fallen for Prospera's bait multiple times, and it leads to her downfall.

If this isn't some of the funniest shit. That said, I wonder how much dirt Burion has on various companies and students because of these confessional booths.

Remember when I said last episode that Miorine's actions are important and do actually work? Suletta tried to move forward after the loss, but ultimately the pain of losing Miorine and not being able to see her hurts her too much. And for the first time she admits that she can't believe in her mother's motto. The spell has been broken, thanks to Miorine.

Tucked into this scene is in my opinion one of the most painful moments in the whole show. Eri's body can't survive any longer, and as she uploads her consciousness to the Lfrith, Elnora touches her daughter's face for the last time as she grieves, tracing her fingers across her daughter's features as if to burn them into her memory. Ericht "dies" and Aerial is born.

And just like Miorine hurt Suletta and pushed her away to try and save her from a world of Gundams and break her free from her mother's manipulations, Ericht and Prospera finish the deal by pushing Suletta away so she won't be involved in their plan and can live a life free of their machinations. And this is the action that fully breaks Suletta's unwavering belief in her mother.

And it's only possible because Miorine broke the spell of Prospera's motto with her actions in the last episode. Without that, Suletta still would have completely trusted her mother's words and actions, and found a way to justify that her actions here would ultimately be for her own good.

Instead, Suletta moved forward and lost everything.

[ohdearlordspencerreid]

SPENCER REID IS DEAD.

My first Criminal Minds Fanfiction!!

Summary:

What would have happened if Spencer had relapsed after Maeve's death? How would he have coped with his new reality? How would the team pull him back from the brink?

'He knew that his one lifeline was getting shorter, as the immeasurably holy and extensively evil vials of poison that sat on his coffee table, atop a mocking copy of Great Expectations, ran out.'

I put this on Ao3 and didn't get much interaction, so here I am, desperate for validation. Please don't repost anywhere, I'm really proud of this ❤️

Warning:

This is a big sad. Please don't read this if you are not in the mood or in safe headspace to see our baby boy and the rest of the team suffer.

This work does not contain any graphic descriptions of drug use, it is all implied, however it does contain a lot of dark and sad ideas including multiple references to suicide and death. Please be careful and maybe read something happy after this <3

Notes:

In my fanon, as in real life, relapse is a part of recovery, I respect MGG not wanting to continue with Reid’s addiction storyline but it feels unrealistic for Spencer to have stayed sober through all his trauma and stress especially with Maeve's death.

Please be kind, this is my first piece of Criminal Minds fanfiction ever and my first time writing anything in several year, nevermind posting it.

Spencer Reid is Dead- OhDearLordSpencerReid

‐--------------------------------REID-------------------------

He felt like he might melt into the floor, a puddle of pain, anger and suicidal ideation. The world stood still but simultaneously ran past him, leaving him alone, bitter and inconsequential. She was dead.

Spencer’s vision swam as he knelt on the hard wooden floor of his apartment, his week old pajamas sticking to him uncomfortably, personal hygiene had become a thing of the past, so had sleep. The dark circles under his eyes made his face look like a skull, he had torn large chunks of his once soft, honey brown curls from his scalp, he didn’t remember doing it. His mouth was dry, he felt like he had been drinking bleach, maybe the misfiring synapses in his previously exceptional brain were on to something, was that a good idea? He just needed everything to stop.

He barely heard the knocking on his door, the rhythmic sound blending in with the constant and overwhelming pounding of his head. He heard voices outside his apartment, but he couldn't bring himself to care, nevermind open the door. He knew his friends would be worrying about him, he knew they loved him, or at least the part of his brain which wasn't currently tripping on a deadly combination of gut wrenching, life ending grief and dilaudid knew that. The active part of his brain however wanted to be left alone, wanted to sit here as he had for days and rot.

‐--------------------------------REID-------------------------

He didn't know what day it was anymore, he was only aware of two things, that the only person who had ever truly understood him, the woman he loved, was dead. And that his one lifeline was getting shorter, as the immeasurably holy and extensively evil vials of poison that sat on his coffee table, atop a mocking copy of great expectations, ran out. Eventually, he would hit withdrawal. He had two choices, his brain fought to use even a fraction of his usually infinite space and exceptional speed to process his options, feeling increasingly dizzy and hopeless.

Option one, call someone and ask for help.

Pros:

You won't have a seizure from withdrawals and choke on your own vomit and die.

Cons:

You won't have a seizure from withdrawals and choke on your own vomit and die. Let it end.

The team will know you’re being weak again, fucking weak!

You’ll lose your job! Who cares honestly..

Spencer shook his head, feeling his slowly frying brain slosh against his skull.

Option two, go outside and buy more dilaudid.

Pros:

More dilaudid.

No more feelings.

No more thoughts.

Cons:

Going outside.

Being a weak, drug addicted loser.

Spencer began to sob, crying so hard he began to wretch, wretching so hard he had to drag himself off of the floor, running as fast as his shaking legs could carry him to the bathroom and throwing up bile. When was the last time he had eaten? Did it matter? He’d always been too skinny, said his mother. His mother, who had put a goddamn genetic time bomb in his brain. Maybe schizophrenia would be easier than this.

After vomiting bile for several minutes, his nose burnt by the acid, his lungs burning with the effort it took him to keep breathing when he saw no point. He looked back up at the vials, they mocked him.

He couldn't go outside. Not like this. But going outside sober was an even more terrifying prospect, primarily due to the fact that he would be sober.

But he wasn't going to call anyone. As he lay down where he was on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor he made peace with the idea that what would be would be.

‐--------------------------------REID-------------------------

He must have fallen asleep or passed out because the next moment he heard a frantic banging on his front door, it sounded like someone was trying to break it down. He laughed bitterly, thinking of Derek, constantly having to use funding the FBI could use on better things instead, on reimbursing people for unnecessarily kicking down doors. The thought made Spencer laugh, high and manic, it made him cringe, the sounds coming from his own mouth. He hadn't used his voice in days, weeks? How long had he truly laid on the teak effect floor in front of his front door?

The pounding continued, it frustrated Spencer, scared him that he couldnt tell if the noise was real, or if it was a fiction created by his self destructive, drug addled, fucking Intolerable, all remembering, overdue for a bullet, genius brain. He stormed over to the door, on unstable legs, his knees covered in dark bruises from hours of kneeling, he looked through the peephole. And who did he see but said insufferable prick. Best friend? Unfeeling bastard? Brother?

All of the air was knocked out of Spencer's fragile body as he saw it was really him. It was Derek Morgan.

‐-----------------------------MORGAN---------------------

Derek Morgan paced the bullpen, his phone clasped to his ear, he sighed in frustration as Spencer’s phone went to voicemail, yet again. He resisted the urge to scream, to throw something. He knew Penelope was going to Spencer’s house this morning, to drop off her usual gift basket, she would surely call him if something was really wrong.

If she smelt the all too familiar stench of rotting flesh wafting from under the young genius's door.. Derek shook himself, trying to push away the dreadful thought. Spencer knew he was there, knew he loved him like a kid brother, an annoyingly smart and unsettlingly traumatised kid brother.. Oh god.

Were they going to carry the tall, spindly, blood splattered body of Spencer Reid out of his apartment on a gurney, would he have to see his ‘Pretty Boy’ in a body bag, would he be asked to identify him? Was he still Spencer’s emergency contact? The mental image was vivid, horrifying. Should he have taken Spencer’s gun? ‘No, because this was the ‘Boy Wonder’ he wouldn't need something as barbaric and neanderthal as a gun to end his painfully short and difficult life’, a voice that sounded distressingly like Spencer’s echoed in Derek’s mind. Derek began to lose control of his breathing, began to gulp air like he was trapped in the desert and he wanted to drown in the oasis he found there, mirage or no.

Derek’s head span as his breathing became erratic, he hadn't noticed before that his cheeks were wet with tears, his hands shook as he struggled to regain control of himself. He needed to be strong, he needed to continue to hold this team together. It was his job to chase away the monsters, it was his job to protect the little guy, to keep JJ and Penelope and Spencer safe. He’d failed in his big brother capacity before and he’d never forgive himself if he did it again. Derek desperately tried to center himself, but it was no use, the world was cracking like a Chicago sidewalk taken over by tree roots, his brain screamed like a gunshot heard from the footwell of a police car, his heart ached like it had that day and Spencer wasn't even dead, yet.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned, eyes wide to see Hotch.. Hotch, Aaron Hotchner, surely he would know what to do, what to say.

‐-----------------------------GARCIA------------------------

Penelope Garcia knocked on the door, softly at first as if worried the shock of a sudden noise alone would stop the broken heart of the cowering young man, unbeknownst to her, laying half unconscious behind the door. She waited a few moments and knocked again, this time louder. She heard a pitiful noise from inside, it broke her heart but as sad as it felt to think, at least it meant Spencer was still breathing in there. She called out, her lips inches from the door, when she was met with only a phrase she would not repeat in polite company, telling her to ‘go away’ she put down her basket of blueberries. ‘They are high in antioxidants and serotonin vitamins’ her internal Reid said, somewhat inaccurately as Penelope didn't know all the facts, as though trying desperately to drown out the broken and unpleasant memory of the real Reid only inches away.

Penelope wanted to help, she needed to be able to do something. This was Reid, this was the soft young man who brought her baked goods when she had a bad day. Here was Spencer, who could be surprisingly hilarious, even if it hadn’t been his intention. He was the ‘Pretty Boy’ to her ‘Babygirl’ and he was suffering, in a way Penelope couldn't fathom. There was no system she could hack, no phone to trace, no dirt to dig up, that would get Reid to let her in. Only the echoing distance between them, as extensive as the time, space and regenerations between the fourth and eleventh doctors…

Penelope didn’t want to leave, she was so scared for him, it was so hard to turn off her instinctual empathy and intrinsic sense of duty to fix things and make them all sunshine and rainbows… but she knew she couldn't fix this. Especially if Spencer wouldn't even open the door

‐------------------------------HOTCH------------------------

Aaron Hotchner has seen agents in distress. He had seen it many times. Hell he’d seen Reid in distress many times. The thought made him sad. He felt like a bad boss. A bad friend. A bad father? It was true he did see Spencer as a surrogate son, partially because he knew Spencer needed a father figure, desperately. But if he was being honest it was in large part to that fact that the kid was just so easy to fall in love with. He had endeared Aaron from the get go, the way he walked around as if everything and everyone was a potential threat, made him want to protect the young agent in the beginning. The way he lit up when he got to share a piece of extremely niche knowledge, the pride he felt when they solved a particularly difficult case.

Spencer was easy to fall in love with.

But now, that fear, that anxiety and self doubt Hotch had found endearing in the beginning when Spencer looked like a very tall child in a cardigan and obscenely large glasses, had transformed into something terrible. He had seen it, the ugliness that lingered inside Spencer Reid, he had seen it when he had returned from his break after the Tobias Hankel case, seen the anger and animalistic fear in the usually sweet mans eyes, he had seen the metaphorical foaming of the rabid dogs mouth.

He’d known he’d never have the strength to put that dog down.

It had eased and the dog had become a sweet little puppy again, following Gideon around, playing chess, devouring books, opening up emotionally. Hotch had been proud, in the years since he had only seen glimpses of that pain, of the Spencer that could go feral and rip out his throat, they had always faded. But this time, this time Spencer hadn’t screamed or lashed out or cursed the world. No, Spencer had seen the woman he loved murdered in front of him and shut himself away. Shut himself in a cage, biting and clawing only at himself, wounded and content to tear himself apart, by brain or by vein. Aaron’s dark train of thought was suddenly broken by Anderson, who knocked on his door and told him that he thought Derek Morgan was having a mental breakdown. ‘No, no more’ Aaron thought ‘Oh God please, let them be, let me take their pain’

‐---------------------------------JJ--------------------------

Jennifer Jareau walked into the bullpen and found a commotion unlike anything she had ever seen before. A small crowd was gathered seemingly centered around someone, a crying child? Who was sitting on the floor, JJ approached cautiously, not wanting to intrude if this was a family member of a victim. Her blood ran cold as she saw the shaking, sobbing form of Derek Morgan, the strongest man she knew, curled in a ball on the carpeted floor, clinging to Aaron Hotchner’s shirt like it was his last tether to this mortal plane. She stepped forward, the crowd parting slowly as she approached. She got immediately to her knees, gently placing her hands on either side of Derek’s face, trying to ask him what had happened. When she heard the name Spencer amongst Morgan’s apoplectic ramblings, she felt suddenly faint, the images she had been desperately repressing came crashing down, pinning her to her spot, to this singular breath with their gravity.

Spencer Reid was dead.

Her best friend wouldn’t make it to thirty, he would remain forever young. His photo would join the other ghostly faces lining the corridor outside the BAU office, the wall of those who had died because of this god awful job. He would join Roslyn in her mind as the cold corpse of a sibling, of a soulmate. Spencer Reid would never get his fourth doctorate, never see the return of David Blaine, never tell her another fact about enucleation, never be a father, the one job beyond behavioral profiler or exceptionally overqualified college lecturer, that he would be truly exceptional at.

Spencer Reid was dead…

Until he wasn't, a bright pink blur ripped through the room as Penelope Garcia descended on Derek, her face a mask of supposed ‘eternal and infallible optimism’.

Spencer was alive.

He wouldn't open the door and she’d barely gotten a word out of him. But Spencer Walter Reid was still breathing and suddenly, Jennifer could too.

‐--------------------------------ROSSI-----------------------

David Rossi, didn’t have any children, hell he wasn’t sure if he would even want any. But he enjoyed his role as the fun uncle to Aaron Hotchner’s strict father immensely. He loved seeing the program he and Jason Gideon had built flourish into an exceptional team, a life saving and justice affording safe haven, a real family. Family had always been complicated for Dave, he hadn't felt this close to a group of people, trusted anyone so much since leaving the marines. He knew that he could give his still beating heart to any one of the BAU members and they would treasure it, nurture it, protect it at any cost. That was why he felt so helpless as he sent lavish gifts to Spencer Reid’s apartment, sent him texts offering to pay for him to take time off, to pay for therapy, they all felt like hollow gestures. The fickle attempts at support by a man who was yet to realise that money doesn't buy you happiness. Dave knew this practically of course, but he felt trapped, paralised by his inability to read Reid, the way he had encouraged him to pursue his relationship with the woman who was now being prepared for her funeral, a woman Spencer had loved with such intensity and innocence, far beyond Rossi’s comprehension.

It was then as he stood in the lobby of Spencer’s apartment, trying to gather the courage to go up and see him that Dave realised one thing Spencer had that he had never been able to grasp, besides a comprehensive knowledge of string theory, quantum theory and the difference therein, vulnerability. Spencer was able to be truly vulnerable with those he loved.. That vulnerability usually lent itself to him as compassion, as a strong sense of justice and as an infinite capacity to love others, to fight for them. But right now? That vulnerability was slowly sucking every happy memory in his seemingly limitless mind, right now that vulnerability was a weakness. And so, too, David was weak. He walked back to his car, silently begging any god or holy being that would listen to give him even a tenth of the strength Spencer had, even a moment to be truly vulnerable, to show the kid he loved him that he would fight for him.

For the first time in many years, Rossi doubted the existence of god.

The strength didn't come.

‐------------------------------BLAKE------------------------

Alex Blake was new. It had taken a while for the team to warm up to her. But not Spencer. He had met her where she lived, where she was comfortable, in a joining of intellects, a tête-à-tête, a friendly competition of defining obscure words. She had instantly felt a kinship with the boy, she knew he hated being called a boy, a kid, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Not out of malice, but out of a motherly instinct, that had laid dormant for several years. He was sweet and smart, she had often wondered what Ethan would be like, she hoped he would be like Spencer.

She had greatly enjoyed seeing him sneaking around, making mysterious phone calls, after learning that he was calling a girl he liked and not under the thumb of some kind of MENSA mafia that is. Alex smiled at the memory of Reid’s blushing face when he had talked about her, the memory tasted sour now, given the dreadful results of Spencer’s first meeting with his mystery woman. She was dead, and Spencer it seemed was content to let himself be buried with her. She knew that pain, the feeling of wanting to drop dead when the person you love is gone…

Alex slowly sipped her coffee, trying to focus on her morning crossword, dreading the phone ringing, signaling another case, but also desperately wanting a distraction. She felt like an intruder, watching Spencer and his loved ones, his REAL family, grieve and worry. She felt like an aunt's new exceptionally dull boyfriend that you have to endure attending your wedding because he's a plus one. She felt she had no right to be as sad as she was, no right to compound her grief for her son with her newfound worry for Spencer. He never asked for that. But she cared, god she cared. She wanted to help him, to help them all, but she feared she would just be a hindrance, an ill fitting cog, ‘the new guy’. She visited Spencer’s house several times, leaving sudoku and crossword puzzles.

She never knocked.

He never opened the door, even if he saw her.

It was like they had a silent agreement, no one was entitled to their pain.

They simply remained, lonely parallels. Broken hearts.

‐-----------------------------SPENCER--------------------

Spencer reeled as he saw Derek Morgan, the real Derek Morgan outside his door, kicking, flailing desperately trying to break down his front door. Derek’s eyes looked hollow, he looked like he hadn't been sleeping. Derek Morgan, the man who could practically sleep standing up during a fire drill. Spencer felt awful, the slimy self loathing he had been feeling since that fateful night, since his teens honestly, slithered up his throat like a giant, blood filled leach. Full of his friends worry, full of wasted potential, full of things that would never be.

Things he had wanted so desperately with Maeve.

Maeve.

It was as if her name broke through to him, he hadn't even allowed himself to think the word, scared he would completely lose his mind. With shaking hands Spencer removed the chain from his door, unlocking it just as Derek kicked it again. Tears streaming down his face, the door hit Spencer hard in the chest, knocking him sprawling to the floor. A small, sweaty, pale, skeleton-esque mess, his arm littered with needle marks, his aura exuding pure shame and grief.

It was then as Derek stood in the doorway, his heart slowly shattering that Spencer noticed he wasn't alone.

The whole team stood behind him in the corridor, full of love and full of fear.

Penelope looked drained of all hope, her skin grey, her pink glasses doing nothing to hide her red rimmed eyes.

Aaron Hotchner’s face was blank, not in the usual serious way he had. In a way that scared him.

Jennifer was shaking clutching a soft purple cashmere scarf, the one from Spencer's desk. It was wrapped around her neck, right next to her sister's locket.

Rossi hovered near the back, clutching his rosary, caught in a muffled prayer, tears freely falling down his face.

Blake was smiling softly, trying to keep it together, physically supporting JJ.

“Help me” Spencer sobbed, falling as he tried to stand, his voice breaking harshly “please, please help me. I need you”

-------------------------FIN------------------------

[maya-matlin]

Pick your most unpopular opinion about each of these shows (only if you want to!!): Degrassi, OTH, Gilmore Girls, Friends, Riverdale, That 70s Show, and Dawson's Creek :)

Degrassi:

This is so difficult because I feel like I've stated so many opinions in the past. Okay. I think the Degrassi nudes arc was theoretically really interesting from a psychological standpoint as well as how a survivor would cope after going through a very public sexual assault trial with the details of what happened to them being well known. Because it feels like something so human and yet so misguided, I don't view Zoe's role in it as harshly as others do. To be fair, the writers lost the plot. Literally. It got really sensationalized with blackmailing and cheerleader dolls and fake hostage situations. I also really hate how it turned into a Zoe vs Frankie situation with zero nuance. Their past involving Frankie being an unsupportive friend who victim blamed Zoe multiple times was never brought up once in lieu of Frankie being turned into Zoe's victim. So while I wouldn't say I like the arc itself, I feel like it had potential. The writers just weren't committed to seeing it through and let Zoe down as a character. The aftermath was really underwhelming and made the whole story line irrelevant.

OTH:

Even though I like the shooting episode for what it is, it's a pretty mediocre depiction of characterizing a school shooter. Following Jimmy's suicide, the writing consistently expects the audience to feel sympathy for him and remember him as a good guy who did one bad thing. It's to the point where the entire school ends up signing his high school yearbook. To be fair, a lot of the Jimmy romanticism came from Mouth, who had weird morals himself considering he was the show's resident incel. But beyond that, Jimmy quickly stops being the villain of the episode to orchestrate a scenario where Dan just happens to stumble upon Keith and a gun, giving him the opportunity to murder him. Also, every other scene features monologues given by the characters that are blatantly trying WAY too hard to be deep and profound. Not to mention this episode marked the official return of romantic Lucas/Peyton, but because Peyton was bleeding and supposedly didn't know any better she can't possibly be held responsible for selfishly making a move on her best friend's boyfriend in what she believed to be her last moments. Sorry, fuck that. Your last moments shouldn't include complicating things for two people you claim to care about. Especially not when you were the one who helped ruin their relationship the first time around, and you know for a fact that your best friend still has trust issues over what happened.

Also, Brooke was the love of Lucas's life. I'll die on this hill. Blame Chad Michael Murray's inability to stop giving his ex-wife heart eyes even during scenes post-Brucas, but it is what it is.

Gilmore Girls:

It's difficult to know what is or isn't popular in the Gilmore Girls fandom. I guess I'll say that Rory dropping out of Yale was the right decision? The way I see it, nothing bad was ever going to come out of that. Rory was in a transitional place where she was questioning a lot of her life decisions. She didn't currently feel up to attending school, so she took some time off. It was completely understandable, yet the narrative insists that this was indicative of Rory going down a bad path. I can understand Lorelai wanting Rory to take some time to make sure this was what she wanted but if anything, Lorelai's overreaction probably made Rory take even more time off from school. Had Rory had her mother and best friend in her corner, maybe she would have realized by the beginning of the next semester that she was emotionally ready to return to Yale. Just.. everything with Lorelai, Richard and Emily feeling as though they could force Rory to go back to school as though she was suddenly going to lose her place and never be able to return was stupid. Out of the two of them, Lorelai was the pettiest and most in the wrong during their estrangement. Lorelai was the parent. Lorelai chose not to tell her daughter she was engaged. Rory shouldn't have ever felt as though she couldn't come home until she basically did everything her mother wanted her to do. Considering Lorelai's own history with Emily, you'd think she'd realize that. But again, the writers made sure we knew how badly Rory was ruining her life and making bad decisions for committing the crime of taking a leave of absence from school and daring to try other things in the meantime.

Friends:

My opinions on the Ross/Rachel infamous "break" are all over the place. Technically, I think Ross is right that their relationship was no longer intact when he slept with another woman. Their communication absolutely sucked during this story line. No attempts at clarification were ever made. Ross just walked out when Rachel said she wanted a break, and Rachel let him. Honestly, I don't even think Ross sleeping with someone else so soon after splitting up from Rachel, in whatever form you consider that to be, makes him an asshole. In an ideal world where everyone makes rational decisions all the time, Ross wouldn't have coped with intense heartbreak by immediately sleeping with someone else. But it was a human reaction, and I don't fault him for that. What I do fault him for is hiding it the next day, running around town trying to stop other people from telling Rachel. It's all but admitting that Ross and Rachel were still emotionally connected and in the mindset of being in a monogamous relationship. Even if they technically weren't. What I also fault him for is being so stubborn and adamant on being right that he never admits fault or owns up to causing Rachel pain for several years after that. So what if he didn't technically betray Rachel? To Rachel, it felt like one. Sometimes, when you love someone, you have to be understanding of the complexities of emotions and just take the fucking L, even if you're technically faultless by definition. And honestly, Rachel was part of the problem, too. What kind of relationship or connection do you really have if you're having the same, obnoxious argument for eight years, never able to get on the same page? Like, I know it's a comedy, but Friends wasn't playing up the comedy angle during this arc. Anyways, they definitely shouldn't have ended up together if they were going to keep getting tripped up over one argument for eight years.

Riverdale:

I don't know how unpopular this actually is, but Veronica is extremely underrated and never gets the love and appreciation she deserves. Looking across the entire series, including time jumps, different universes, and eras where the characters literally had powers, Veronica was consistently the most selfless and considerate character on the show. Half the time, she was the mean girl in name only. There were countless occasions where Veronica forgave even when she shouldn't have and/or should have held out for more remorse and effort from the person that wronged her. The attempt to compare Veronica kissing Ginger Judas in the pilot after knowing Archie and Betty for two seconds to Betty doing it three years into Varchie's relationship is.. it has some nerve. Anyways, Veronica was wonderful, ambitious, and everyone on that show was better for having known her. Sadly, she was underappreciated more often than not, rarely ever getting her due. I really wish anyone but Archie had been the love of her life, because he really didn't deserve her by the end.

That '70s Show:

Sometimes, Hyde gets way too much of a pass for his treatment of Jackie. I feel like he's overall the most popular character on the show with his relationship with Jackie being the most popular, resulting in a lot of his questionable behavior getting swept under the rug. Obviously Hyde had issues he needed to work through stemming from his childhood and struggled to let other people in. But Jackie was consistently a pretty great girlfriend for him, going out of her way to show love and affection, only for him to not 100% reciprocate. Fuck Danny Masterson (and honestly Mila at this point too), but a lot of what made that relationship what it was is the chemistry between Danny and Mila and how they chose to demonstrate the love between those two characters. Hyde was still miles ahead of Kelso and Fez and had great moments with Jackie. But it still needs to be said. Hyde put Jackie through a lot.

Dawson's Creek:

While not perfectly written, most of Andie's fall from grace during season 3 makes a lot of sense. I even think Andie cheating on Pacey was in character. It's a controversial take because no one wants to believe that season 2 Andie would have ever done such a thing. But the reality is, Andie had a literal mental breakdown. She says it herself. When Andie went to get mental health help, she was no longer the same girl Pacey fell in love with. Andie was in a dark, lonely, vulnerable place, and she met someone else. This guy understood parts of Andie's mental health struggles that Pacey couldn't, and it led to a friendship that became an emotional affair. They made their own world together, and then had one, impulsive slip up. It doesn't cheapen Andie's love for Pacey, but it's still understandable that Andie crossed a boundary of Pacey's that couldn't be uncrossed. After this, Andie's attempts to recuperate post-breakup, including her treatment of Pacey and even stealing the test were pretty consistent based on how desperately Andie wanted to appear normal and as though everything was under control. However, I also think early season 3 stacked the deck too far against Andie, resulting in her character leaving the show early. The supposed "false accusation" meant to make Andie look bad from a misogynistic, ableist showrunner took it too far. I personally think even during that episode, there are enough hints, including Rob's desperation to shut Andie's story down when she hadn't even gone to the authorities, indicates she told the truth. Seriously, his happy ass was all cocky when Pacey confronted him, but once he sobered up he practically sprinted to Joey's house to use Andie's mental health against her, even manhandling Joey multiple times to force her to listen. But whatever. The intent was obvious, and I still hated it. Anyways, Andie McPhee was great, and I wish people would still appreciate her at her worst. After all, it's what led to season 4 Andie, probably the strongest iteration of her character even though she sadly wasn't around for long.

[busycucumbermelon]

Should I continue writing

Your life wasn't exactly easy, but no one's life is, considering the fact that because of your past you had a holy weapon… so, yours may be a little bit worse. But you didn't know anyone else's situation, so you couldn't say for sure. If you had it your way, you wouldn't even be alive, but you have friends you can tolerate, and one best friend you truly adore.

While you were certainly not the model citizen, you still did have a group of friends who cared about you. You got high multiple times a day, always had weed or edibles on you, and liked going to random clubs with your pals. When not out having fun, you were drinking or doing something else illegal, but no one would judge you for it. You were just having a good time, and that's all that really mattered.

You had a lot of friends around you, and your best friend loved to partake in reckless behavior with you. One day, after tripping really hard together, she suddenly walked into traffic. You weren't able to grasp the severity of the situation, as you were too high to understand how serious it was. When you finally snapped out of it, it was too late. You never fully recovered from the loss of your best friend, and the trauma of witnessing her death in front of your eyes. You struggled to find meaning in life without her by your side.

As you mourned the loss of your best friend, you struggled to cope and ended up turning to substance abuse. Your friends tried their best to help you, but you never fully opened up to them due to the pain of losing Annalee.

Two years later, your self-destructive behavior finally caught up to you, and you suffered from liver failure and overdosed. Your friends were devastated, as they knew how much you had been struggling since Annalee's passing. They also knew that Annalee had the ability to understand you better than anyone else, even before your own self.

As you waited in line, you were terribly bored. You looked around and noted that all of the things around you gave off a demonic or angelic feeling. Whenever you made eye contact with any of these creatures, they would roll their eyes or snarl angrily. Everyone else in line would jump in surprise, and kept their heads down. You, however, were not so easily spooked, and found it odd that everyone else was following such a weird rule. It seemed like putting your head down was too demeaning, like it was a sign of submission.

[nichyevosobachka]

CW FOR MENTAL ILLNESS THINGS

I have abandonment issues and tend to have unstable/unhealthy relationships/commitment patterns. I have worked hard on them and I can cope with it a lot better than I did in the years before. This is a side information for what I want to talk about. Due to being unable to make and keep friendships during my life (until a few years ago where i finally met people that it works with (the neurodivergent wolfpack metaphor works so well with this lol)), I've clung and depended on one person at a time who was giving me attention/was nice to me. For about six years, I had this online friend that became my absolute favourite person. I talked to her every day, we exchanged care packages multiple times a year, wrote roleplay together, which was all fine and good, but I became hyperdependend on her. In such a bad way that our fights and her absence caused me to have suicidal thoughts and urges. I knew it was bad and I knew it was unfair towards her, but I was unable to let her go because in my mind, I wouldn't survive without her. Due to a history of losing contact with online friends after meeting them irl for the first time, when we finally met, I had the fear it would happen again. I told her about this fear and that it was really scaring me shitless. She promised me it won't happen. But it did. Just right after meeting, the contact became less and less. We went from daily conversations to me not hearing from her for a week at times. Then, she told me she'd met someone new she's spending her time with. This was the most fortunate/unfortunate thing she could've said to me, because it confirmed and reinforced my fears so badly, but also made it finally possible for me to let her go. I won't say that it was nice or fair from me to just disappear from her life. After this message I had a very hard time and I unfriended her everywhere out of nowhere. It was a real asshole move and I would do it differently now. But it was freeing and after suffering badly for a few months, my mental health started to improve. Then last year around the same time, I started to feel really depressed and awful again. Same thing this year. And you know why? Because the body remembers what I went through back then, even though my mind didn't line up the dates of it happening. Because it was something my nervous system stored away under "traumatic" and it relives the situation given the time. Knowing that this is the reason why I feel like shit helps a lot with coping. I know it will pass. I know it has its reason and I know that one day it won't come back again (maybe). Knowing sometimes helps so much.

[actuallyitsstar]

Maverick + 2, 21, and 22?

✨ send me a number and a character! ✨

2. favorite canon thing about this character?

i think that hands down i have to say that i actually really respect the writers/tc/whoever making the active choice to humanize maverick. in a lot of big Straight Man Macho Action Flex Movies (tm) i feel like this is hardcore frowned upon. but i gotta hand it to tc, because i feel like it's a through line for his films- my poor traumatized meow meow ethan hunt comes to mind- that his action hero characters are like. PEOPLE. with emotions. who behave in a way you can empathize with and unpack.

like even in the original movie, though they are obviously not explicit in discussing it, they do address the way a scare can shake you up, the way there's no shame in it. viper even says as much to maverick when he's thinking of quitting. there's no shame in it. that spin was hell, it would've shook me up. there's no shame in cougar quitting either- he still is a good man, as mav helpfully reminds the others. he disobeys orders to help cougar, (i'd like to get on my 'parallels to jake launching against orders to save mav and bradley' high horse here but its not relevant rn so i'm gonna refrain), and he defends cougar's honor to the others multiple times. of course there's the surprising (for an 80s movie full of cheese and needless romance subplots and sweaty men) amount of emotional intelligence in goose and mav's conversation at the housing, when mav apologizes for showboating and makes the ~promise~ to goose and goose gets to display his immense working knowledge of What Makes Mav Tick. for all of that famous ego we've seen in action, mav is perfectly capable of listening to what goose has to say and understanding his point and conceding without making it about himself. that right there is some surprising emotional intelligence (which never coping with losing goose will promptly destroy but i digress)

and then there's the post goose's death universe- they let it haunt him. as they should, but i feel a lot of films in a similar genre and style wouldn't be willing to dwell on it so. he gets to cry. a lot. he's literally in the jet in top gun '86 with just. tears running down his face. then there's tgm- there's the scene outside the hard deck and there's the scene with ice and there's the funeral and there's the fight with bradley on base and there's but you are here and the hug on the carrier. he gets to be genuinely emotional and heartfelt. he gets to express actual in the moment feelings that are not just anger and are not just with a ~love interest~. HE GETS TO BE HUMAN !!! HE GETS TO BE SOFT !!! THATS SO IMPORTANT TO ME. probably wouldn't be my number one blorbo man if it weren't for that.

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

aaaaaaa i think my favorite (evil) thing about writing mav is the unreliable narration. it's rly great (read: painful) to sit down and just say the craziest shit that is not true as if it is fact and then know he that he really thinks like that. hes just like 'of course he can't expect the most basic human decency known to man from his closest friends and family because it is unreasonable to imagine someone as horrible as himself could ever deserve it' and he's just talking about like. needing somebody to pick him up from the airport. and you're just like wow. this little guy is fucked up huh

least favorite tho....... it's a two sided coin. it can't be too on the nose and it can't be too over-the-top. mav is great at being/seeming functional, on a surface level. it's only when you get inside of the one bedroom apartment with a bedroom he is not allowed to use bc that's for just in case his long lost son ever comes home or whatever that you realize something is wrong. his pov can't be too down or too depressed. it's mostly objective, with just a direct little splash here and there, just enough so the reader can be like 'okay. yeah. makes sense. alright. still making sense. and....wildest most untrue thing you could possibly say about yourself. alright yeah he needs therapy' <3

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to this character? Something you don't like?

aaaaaa so many amazing authors in this fandom do so much that i adore i don't even know where to start, but i guess one of my favorite things has to be when he's just very *shrugs* about the flyboys and they've already decided that he's one of them now. it's really great to know we just all agreed somehow that this is a found family group of aviators who barely have any screen time with each other, and that we all just agreed that mav probably doesn't understand the invitation to be as direct as they mean it because he is frankly unused to receiving such direct invitations period. there is nothing like watching an idiot who needs loved get roped into a found family. like !! yeah !!! get loved !! do it !!! it can't be stopped !!

and hmm something i don't like. very much the reverse again, in a way, but i think one of my least favorite things has got to be either over-infantalizing him into like, way too much of the "baby brother" in the group (i am not denying that this is objectively probably his role, just that this does not mean he is going to be acting like he is 5). he knows how to do the basics. he's an adult man who is technically capable of taking care of himself (though whether he feels he deserves the effort is a different story). you have to be hella fucking smart to graduate with the kinds of degrees and experience you need to do what mav does. he's a fully capable adult. he's just also a little dumb about the self care sometimes. they're not mutually exclusive.