#context: I have aphantasia

[running-in-the-dark]

oh, a fun* thing I'm noticing about when I'm writing something is that there's absolutely no descriptions of what anything looks like ever. not the rooms, not people's clothes, just nothing. everything happens in a blank void and no one... is wearing any clothes? no that's definitely not where I was going with that but now I've forgotten what I really wanted to say.

anyway, it's really not surprising and just mirrors how I read things written by other people too - I completely skip over any descriptions like that. can't do anything with it anyway so it's just unnecessary information to me

*not so fun

[jerimum-dream-journal]

[thelesbianthespianposts]

oh! oH!! “IN YOUR MIND’S EYE”, BC YOU CAN SEE IT IN YOUR HEAD!!!! BC ITS LIKE YOU HAVE ANOTHER EYE IN THERE SPINNING APPLES!!!

[etherealkissed88]

daydreaming vs visualization vs imagination

i was thinking about before i got into the law. you know when you imagine steamy scenarios before you go to bed for fun? i know you know what i mean. i used to do that every night in 2020 (even now) with the same scenario bc it was fun. keep in mind that i didnt know about the law at this point so i obviously didnt intend for it to "manifest". a year ago when i started to understand states, i used to think back to 2020 and wonder why those scenarios didnt manifest since i kept visualizing and imagining the same thing. last week i randomly remembered about how i used to wonder that and i immediately knew the answer: i wasnt changing self.

when i was visualizing/imagining, i wasnt becoming the person who actually knew i was experiencing it. i was not being someone who was experiencing those steamy scenarios. in order words, i was just daydreaming.

daydreaming

in my own words, i think daydreaming is visualizing something while being someone who knows they dont have it. for example: visualizing owning a car while knowing that you dont have it. so you are just visualizing it for fun, not for the purpose of changing self but for the purpose of just experiencing something in imagination (via visualization) just for your own enjoyment. daydreaming is like visualizing for fun, without changing states/self. this "knowing" i talk about is based on what state you are in, so if someone knows they dont have a car, they are in that state.

i think daydreaming is always visualization but visualization is not always daydreaming. daydreaming is for fun, without the intention of "manifesting" or changing states while visualization is changing states whether or not you intent to do so.

so i was visualizing my freaky scenes as the version of me who didnt identify with those freaky scenes (aka daydreaming). i wasnt identifying with it or using it to change self. same thing applies to when i used to repeat positive thoughts 100k times but i didnt identify with them. those are called vain repetitions and can be used to change self but if they just dont change self/states, then it is just daydreaming/vain repetitions. you can change self/states without realizing too which is why i think people put so much power onto techniques by thinking the techniques themselves are doing something, when its only self (imagination/you) that is changed by the techniques. those techniques were the things that consciously or unconsciously made you change self. regardless, self/you will always be the thing manifesting.

realize that regardless of everything, your state/version of you you are being, will always determine the "3d".

visualization ≠ imagination

visualization is a tool to change self / imagination. you can visualize things but that doesnt mean you are identifying with it or accepting it as true. i think of visualization as a smaller form of imagination but its very small compared to imagining/imagination itself.

imagination is what you are (aka self). imagination is not a tool like visualization because you always are operating in imagination since everything is self. you are always being a version of you. you arent always visualizing. visualizing can be daydreaming if you arent visualizing that thing to change self.

when you imagine something in a law of assumption context, imagining = what version of you you are being.

imagination is not limited to visualizing. there are some people in this community who have aphantasia and think they have no imagination and therefore "cant manifest", etc. but they just cant visualize. imagination is not equal to visualization. no matter what type of or stage of aphantasia you have, you will always already be manifesting.

visualizing and thinking without changing self means nothing. changing self means being a new version of you who knows they have (insert whatever desire).

self changes everything

so back to my story, i was just visualizing me and my imaginary bae, i wasnt being the person who was experiencing what i was visualizing. this is why it didnt manifest. i like this idea because that is just more proof that self changes everything, who ever you are being in imagination will express. it also means i have control bc i can daydream anything for fun and control whether or not it expresses bc i dont have to identify with that version of me who is experiencing whatever i am daydreaming.

i hope this makes sense and if it doesnt, dont stress. just focus on changing self, be the version of you that has whatever it is you want. i made this post because its been on my mind and hopefully it can help someone else realize that changing self is all you ever have to do.

kisses, jani ☆

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking my boyfriend to stop watching porn?

This is pretty simple tbh. NSFW mentions of porn, sex, and masturbation.

🐣🐣

I am a transgender man and struggle a lot with sexual intimacy. I don’t think I’m on the ace spectrum, I just have a lot of insecurities and dysphoria that I’m working through. I still crave sexual intimacy, I just get very anxious about it. My boyfriend is understanding but a little pushy at times because he’s got a high sex drive. He doesn’t do it on purpose and backs off when I tell him to. Important to mention that my boyfriend is cis. So, because of this, my boyfriend usually takes care of himself. I help out whenever I feel comfortable.

Recently, we somehow started talking about porn and hentai (don’t remember the context of the conversation) and I asked him what he does when he takes care of himself. He said he watches porn, which I was surprised to hear but it makes sense because he has aphantasia. So, he can’t really imagine me or anything. Sometimes he uses my photos, but he said he needs some movement. At first I was fine with it, but then he mentioned that he only watches straight porn.

Now, I know my reaction was out of line, because I started crying and calling him an asshole for watching straight porn when he’s dating a trans guy. He’s pansexual, so he can really watch any kind of porn he wants, but I just started freaking out for some reason.

He kept telling me that there was no good gay stuff or ftm stuff, which is just straight up not true. There’s plenty of ftm nsfw content, but when I mentioned that, he said it felt weird and fetishistic.

I told him it hurts me when he watches straight porn, he said that’s stupid and he needs something to get off to. Fair enough but it still hurts me. There’s just something about me trying so hard to get past my anxiety and dysphoria so we can finally be intimate with each other and him blatantly disrespecting my gender identity that hurts like hell.

Plus, every time I suggested we do something that I’m into, he shot me down. I’m a bit of a kinkier guy and he’s very vanilla, despite insisting that he’s into the same stuff as me. I 100% respect his boundaries and never brought it up again. But I don’t think it’s fair that he won’t even try stuff with me that might make intimacy more enjoyable for me and then goes and watches straight porn. I keep trying to make our sex live work and he can’t even be bothered to figure out ftm bodies. Idk.

I talked to an online friend and they called me biphobic.

Am I out of line for trying to tell him what kind of porn to watch? Am I overreacting?

[existencebringsonlypain]

mmm ran out of steam for this one so you get a wip today

it's a hunter owl house one, shocker. i like the boy and fanart inspired me. read if you wanna deal with my comma overuse

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He really does look like him.

He doesn't exactly have a perception of what he himself looks like. He discovered a word recently, aphantasia—he can't imagine things, visually at least. The voice in his head never shuts up, monologuing constantly and tracing three thought strings at once, but his eyes see nothing but reality.

He doesn't know what he looks like, in that he can't envision himself and he certainly wouldn't be able to draw his face. He knows the basics, maroon eyes, large ears, a rather hooked nose he used to despise until he noticed his Uncle shared the feature, heavy brows, annoying ass strand of hair, tooth gap, eyebags, ear notch, scar—Titan, good thing he never took off his mask, because he really is a recognizable face.

Caleb, he finds, shares none of these features. He's got the nose, and he does seem to have the forelock Flapjack seems to adore (there's something about that that Hunter feels is notable, but he won't be looking into it lest he have a breakdown), but all those standout features seem absent.

And yet.

And yet, looking at the statue, it really feels like it should move when he moves. He sees that face in his reflection, however much he avoids looking at it. He recognizes it as his own.

Caleb has a squarer jaw than Hunter, though that may come with age. His cheekbones are more defined, his eyes are less sunken in, but...

Caleb looks like him.

Or, rather, he looks like Caleb.

He. Hm. Hunter... does.... nnnnnot like this fact, he thinks. He's pretty sure. The complicated swirl of emotions that's brewing in his gut is probably majority unease. Maybe.

He discovered another word, alexithymia. He doesn't feel emotions correctly. Usually the only way he knows what he's feeling is by paying attention to his voice, whether his hands are shaking, how stifled he feels physically. The exception is fear. Fear, he feels deeply and intrinsically. He knows that one in and out.

Sometimes he gets... Pangs, of emotion, usually in sympathy. That's what he has now. It's unclear what emotion is pressing at his insides, but using context clues and tracking his thought patterns, he concludes it's discomfort. He is unhappy.

The statue looks like him.

He finds himself mimicking the expression, his neck aches from stretching it out to reflect the art. Stone faced, in more ways than one.

He's supposedly very expressive. He had to learn what ther people's faces meant, but apparently his own knew exactly how to betray him from the start. There's another word, this time taught to him by a certain Luz Noceda, that he's only briefly researched and vaguely understood. Autism.

He's collecting A words like Belos collected crude imitations of his... What? Brother? The plaque seems to think so.

A Caleb Wittebane. Orphaned son. Beloved everyman. So tragic that he disappeared.

How about good riddance, hm? Begone with him. Maybe the brother of a maniac deserved to be slain.

He doesn't actually know what happened to Caleb. Presumably he was killed by a witch, and Belos swore revenge. And perhaps raised the dead a few hundred times while he was at it. As you do.

How Caleb ended up following a witch into the Isles and Belos followed, he's no clue. Maybe Masha was right, maybe Caleb fell in love. Feels unlikely for a witch hunter.

aaaaaand that's where I gave up. may revisit this at some point

[schizophrenicfaye]

Question for psychotic people

I experience this weird thing where I see or feel images/film in my head. There’s no context for them, they’re often bizarre and will interrupt my train of thoughts.

To make it even weirder I usually have aphantasia and don’t see images in my head, which is also why I suspect this is psychosis related

Does anyone else experience it? Does it have a name?

- Faye

[nadianova]

Quick question about the new game, how is it pronounced? Is it like nay-oh-me-da or now-me-da or something else?

no idea. good luck

edit: my gf said first one

i asked how does she know

and she said she decided for context why i have no idea is that finnish is an extremely phonemic language and each written character is essentially read the exact same every single time so there is no confusion with how to read out loud a word and secondly i have aphantasia which extends to a near lack of sound in my head when reading stuff so i am probably mispronouncing every single word i have ever read without hearing a native say it to me repeatedly

whatever way i am reading naomida out loud isn't really something i can write down other than "naomida" unless i pull out these shits: "phonemic" (/fəˈniːmɪk/) and i have no fucking clue what alien language this is

anyway its not really relevant in any part of the process so i just don't care about pronunciation with any of my names or characters or anything really

edit 2:

here i unleashed my autism for you anon each character is its own link to the corresponding sound i hope a linguist doesn't fucking kill me for this if i fucked it up

/nɑo̞ˈmidɑ/

edit 3:

oh yea i forgot where the name even originally came from maybe i could have started with this. naomi(like the name) + 涙 for these characters Finnish and Japanese has enough phonetic overlap i think なおみだ works. just read hte first two chars in the same mora and more stress on d

so like the takeaway here is that you can pronounce it in whatever way you like or it comes comfortable for english speakers. i literally don't care and i don't think there's a right or wrong way but this is just attempt to explain how i say it and this same thing applies to all my characters and names and locations and whatever. only place where i care about pronounciation is if people irl pronounce my name wrong to my face

[esoteric-chaos]

Visualization in Witchcraft. The Importance and Struggles.

Visualization. What is it? According to Google "Visualization or visualisation is any technique for creating images, diagrams, or animations to communicate a message."

Now what is it in a Witchcraft context? To myself, it is the ability to see something within the mind's eye or to "experience" it. Now what does that mean? Visualization to me is truly being able to be within that moment of which you are trying to do spell work or any sort of manifestation you are doing. Whether that be seeing it in my mind's eye or physically feeling it happen within my body with energy manipulation.

Visualization is an integral part of witchcraft. It's what gets you in the true mindset to do spellwork and other manifestations.

Things like energy work, circle casting, grounding, centring, manifestation, deity work, divination and hedge witchery. It's extremely vital to become adept at Visualization.

Now if you are like me who rates a 4 (almost 5) on an Aphantasia scale. You'll understand my difficulty with being able to see things within the minds eye. That's where the tying of these techniques I am going to share with you today is all about.

Some are able to visualize more easily with their eyes open. With unfocusing your eyes in a dimly lit room and going into a trance-like state.

Try visualizing through art. Painting, drawing, writing.

Try your other senses. What can you smell? Taste? Hear? Feel? Take note of where this is in your body.

Look for Visualization exercises on YouTube then make your own once you have graduated from it. Challenge yourself.

Try a sleep mask. Sometimes blocking out all light helps.

Music like drums, singing bowls, and binaural beats are all helpful.

Try making a petition or a sigil. They can be a great aid.

Visualization is like a muscle. It will need to be worked on and can take a long time to master so do not be hard on yourself if you do not get it right away. I'm still learning how to better it every day and searching for better methods.

Looking for all of my posts in one place? Check out the Masterpost

[donnerpartyofone]

I found out pretty late in life that it is statistically unusual to think almost entirely in words like I do--unusual enough that there's a name for it. When I read fiction, reference memory, daydream, or formulate a plan or goal, it is difficult or impossible for me to develop vivid, related visual imagery. My thoughts can involve scraps of sensory information--including textures, colors, and very weak images of people/things/places--but they're not significant enough to consider; overall, my thoughts tend to be verbal and conceptual. It's basically accurate for me to say I only think in words, and I encourage you to generalize like that with your answers. (And if you feel like you can't possibly generalize, then I guess this isn't the poll for you! Sorry)

I'm interested in how you think it affects your life, too, if you have a comment to make. For instance, I have a theory that my aphantasic tendencies are part of why goal formation and pursuit is so hard for me. There's a reason you hear about visualization so often in self-help/self-improvement contexts, and I think my inability to picture what I'm after does affect my ability to get things done.

Tangentially, there's been some discussion about whether aphantasia has some correlation with neurodivergent conditions like autism and adhd. I find this discourse exciting, even though I do not at all believe there is a one-size-fits-all model for neurodivergence. It's just interesting to imagine what the subcategories of us might possibly be, and how we might relate to one another. So just for novelty's sake, I'm also curious about whether respondents have been diagnosed with particular cognitive or neurological conditions, if you feel like saying.

When I posted this question on a certain other social media site (why do I ever stray from Tumblr?), I immediately got in a confusing argument with someone about, I guess, what "thinking" actually is (like maybe they meant "reasoning" to the exclusion of all other mental events?) and whether or not aphantasia applies to "thought". So in case that bothers anyone else, I really mean all conscious mental events. I include anything that passes through your mind while you are awake that COULD have associated imagery--where if you are aphantasic, that imagery may appear blurred, distorted, fragmented, or not at all.

[sophieinwonderland]

Guys! I'm notorious for being endogenic!

There's a lot going on here.

Harassment allegations are too broad to cover. Have I been involved in sending hate messages, making threats of violence or doxxing? Absolutely not.

Am I someone who will happily respond to people saying bigoted and hateful things about myself or my community to tear misinformation apart? Absolutely.

I generally don't drag out an engagement though. If someone posts something harmful, I'll make a post about. Maybe a few. And sometimes I'll post anons that have more to add. But I'm not going to focus too much on a single individual. At least not by name. I also try to avoid abusive language when I can.

I personally wouldn't call this harassment, and don't think Tumblr would either.

As for the alleged misinfo, I find that people will label anything they disagree with as misinformation. Unlike anti-endos and System Cringers, nearly everything I state about the science of systemhood can be backed up with sources.

Anyway, here is the context, which frankly seems weird to me. Of all the posts you could have used as examples of cringe, why this one?

This surely couldn't have been the cringiest thing I've said. Even recently.

This was in a collection of six pictures from different people, BTW. Here was the first one!

And don't you just love how anti-endos accuse people of stealing resources, such as access to help from psychiatrists... and then just casually suggest people without a mental disorder go see a specialist in dissociative disorders? Truly amazing levels of cognitive dissonance!

Anyway, let's have a look around at the other comment on this thread!

Soft trauma usually refers to things like emotional abuse, as opposed to more violent forms of trauma.

Is this supposed to imply that repeated emotional abuse isn't traumatic enough to result in a dissociative disorder? Is that what r/systemscringe is suggesting here?

That's rhetorical, BTW.

The answer is yes. r/systemscringe doesn't believe lesser forms of trauma can cause dissociative disorders.

I also found my favorite piece of reasoning for why endogenic systems are supposedly invalid!

As you can see, the only possible mental conditions someone can have are disorders. Aphantasia? Not a disorder and so it's not real. Synesthesia? What's that?

Either something is a mental disorder or it's invalid. Those are the only possibilities! 🙄

[anxiously-sidequesting]

Since it seems like in the Wizard101 universe the different schools actually have like, differing aspects and characteristics to them (that are at least portrayed as accurate and a well known fact of nature) rather than the horoscope treatment (where nobody can agree if it even exists or not), I wanna see instances where any individual of a certain class diverges from their magical (spiritual?) capabilities

Like, since Diviners are supposed to be good at technology give me a Diviner who can't read or understand building instructions, or doesn't have a good concept on precise measurements or shapes. OR LIKE what about a Myth wizard with aphantasia.

Like how dependent are these traits, that when a wizard is born and their magical alignment is decided (somehow) who can say how accurate these traits even are. Like what is the probability of being born a Life wizard with "non-Life" attributes?

(me pushing away the GNC agenda that keeps trying to come into this post /j) This opens up a lot of possibilities as to what Magic really means in the Spiral; like is it just what you're able to do, the spells that you're able to cast? Or does it get more complex than that and does it play a bit of a deeper role when it comes to emotions, identity, etc.

Like imagine meeting a wizard that you have no idea what their magical class is; and then when it comes out they're a Pyromancer everyone is like "HOLY SHIT???? You act NOTHING like a Pyromancer you give me Balance wizard vibes"

This concept is super interesting to me because it adds so much context and depth to Magic as an entire whole rather than just a game mechanic with Some Lore taped to it. This opens up like 9 other plots I can list off both hands right now and I want all of you Girlies to think about this

[chiimeramanticore]

1. What's your favorite form of weed

2. Have you ever tried making your own animatronics

sativa easy . i tried indica recently and it was pleasant and very relaxing, i felt rly peaceful but also sativa makes me Silly (read: makes it near impossible for me to mask) and that's what i really want when i get high lol. unless you meant like how do i like to actually take it to which the answer is edibles easy. they last longer than smoking it and it doesnt do any damage to ur lungs (tho iirc smoking weed can't kill u but yknow, rather have None damage than a Little damage lol) BUT i have smoked joints before in social settings and they make me feel like a movie delinquent so its fun in that context lol. i also smoked a spliff once by accident (has tobacco mixed in) and that was awful i coughed for like ten minutes

2. i have not and i dont know if i could honestly. idk if thisll make sense but i have a lot of trouble like, thinking in 3D when it's integral to a certain craft? like i sometimes sew and i struggle with making patterns bc i just like. cant envision how i need it to look in a way that helps me translate it over practically lol. it's like needing to think 3 steps ahead for me, and you'd think i have aphantasia or smth but if anything im the opposite bc i have synesthesia lmao. my point is ive seen ppl share their homemade bots and ive looked at how helen and mini-mitzi are built and how their movements are set up and it seems so simple but also I Could Never Think Of That fkghkdf

[igordumbra]

I find it kinda hard to write fanfiction about Fallen London to be honest, I know I shouldn't, we all know that if there's something this game doesn't lack, is text. So by all means, it should be fairly easy to write right?

My main problem is that I feel like my character doesn't live in Fallen London, y'know? Now, before I explain, keep in mind it's been a couple years since I started playing, I've never played a ES since i can't actually afford it and by all means this is not a critique to failbetter, just my personal experience that i want to share.

You see, what I meant by that is that, as much as I'm playing FL and reading the texts, I can't actually picture my character living there?

I have always had problems picturing stuff, some of it due to aphantasia but most of it simply because imagining things without a very detailed description is very hard for me, that's why I love Fallen London and books and fanfictions. Normally in fl this isn't a problem, since everything is in text and often quite detailed when in stories.

The problem, at least for me, is when I ain't in no storyline. And that's when what I said above come in, I can't actually picture my character living in the neath on his day to day because we don't see that in game aside from the first few storylines you play (Blind Pianist and Last Constable), where your character goes to the singing mandrake to drink and hear the pianist or to the blind helmsman in the end of the Last Constable.

We don't see these places being used in other stories, or if they are very little, and we don't have exact drescriptors on them. Take the singing mandrake as an example, what does it look like? what kinda drinks do they sell? Do they sell some kind of food? How big is it, does it have two floors or is it just horizontally big? Is it normal for people to play there? What kind of music?

Or maybe it was very described but it's been so long I forgot, no problem I'll check the wiki. Well, the wiki only has enough text from each storylet so that you can understand it's context, try hoping that someone has an echo of this and it actually has descriptions.

Now, it's unreasonable of a task for failbetter to do all this flavour stuff, instead of actual content, and I agree because the players can just imagine if they're actually curious, or maybe they live in London and thus can imagine how some place like this would look, and the city and the people.

Well, I can do neither, which makes even simple things complicated for example, my character lives in the brass embassy sanctum. I don't even know how that works, I've never seen an embassy and didn't even think they bedrooms, but at least it has a description, so it's nice (even if i have to switch homes to get the thing and then echo it)

But how they live there? Do they have neighbours, are they human or devils, what are their opinion on a human living in a sanctum? Where does he go for breakfast? And well, this is all probably expanded on ES, because it makes more sense to do it there which sucks for me.

And because i can't really imagine new things, just work with patterns and precise descriptions, I also like to write in a very grounded way, I will try to do my research before writing even the dumbest things, for example the bedroom. Or maybe i'll try to write something in the correspondence to get an effect, well in this case I'll ask the discord lore channel what do they think about it and if there's a better option, very lovable people there they always indulge in my silly questions.

And well, you can see how trying to "scientifically" write every single thing will only be exponentially more time consuming by the amount of things you want to add, and it makes me get into a state of "not writing because I know I won't have enough time" and just "Not writing because I can't craft something that would make sense to me in universe, due to the lack of information"

But I'll try my best, since I paid to re-read the blind pianist storyline again, to write about it. And hey, at least it isn't Mask of the Rose this time, that was a fucking nightmare.

Tl;Dr: Boy get's overwhelmed when trying to create things in his mind that aren't otherwise told explicitly in the flavour text because he values cringe stuff like logic and accuracy since he often relies on them due to the lack of creative power in the brain

[mythicalcoolkid]

This disability pride month I wanna talk a bit about some ways my autism presents, because I feel like I don't personally see it talked about in current autism settings. I guess maybe because it seems kind of "old-fashioned?" Like a more stereotyped view of autism, that gets discounted a bit now in favor of more nuanced and varied views. But people with "stereotypical" autism still exist and I wanted to talk a bit about what that looks like

I'm very hyposensitive. I have very poor interoception (sensing internal sensations). I have a few areas I'm more sensitive in, like smell and hot surfaces/water, but overall I'm really underresponsive. I often can't tell:

if I'm hungry (meaning I chronically undereat)

if I need to use the bathroom

whether I'm hot or cold: I often dress inappropriately for the weather and have health problems

what emotions I'm feeling

if I'm sick or hurt: I've had serious health problems go untreated for years because I didn't notice them

how much time has passed: I have alarms that go off every hour and sometimes every 15 minutes because I can't keep track of time

if someone touches me

the difference between some foods: a lot of different foods taste or smell the same to me. I've tried and cannot learn the taste difference between chicken, turkey, and pork

how much force I'm using: I often drop things or pet animals harder than I should

The only exception to these is food taste/texture. I have ARFID, an eating/feeding disorder that makes a lot of foods difficult to eat to the point that I go without food entirely

My "reality sensor" is broken. It's really hard for me to internalize "safety truths" and understand that they apply

I eat food when it's no longer good

I have a hard time "fearing" germs a healthy amount

I over- or underestimate risk

I massively underestimate how much time things will take

I have trouble recognizing certain things

I'm faceblind (prosopagnosia): I can't recognize people without memorizing certain traits

I have aphantasia: I cannot visualize things in my head, at all. (I can hear things in my head exceptionally well though!) Because of this I can't easily memorize images, give directions or "improvise" routes, follow maps, imitate visual actions, or do many visual puzzles

I usually don't recognize wordplay in titles because it doesn't register to me the same way

telling if someone is laughing or crying

picking up on non-obvious cues and sarcasm

understanding what's appropriate in different contexts

telling where sound is coming from

noticing smaller changes

I "look autistic"

I rock back and forth in public

have a notably flat voice and facial expressions or they don't match how I mean to come across

sit on the ground in stores

sometimes need AAC to communicate

have shutdowns where I'm fully unresponsive

use language that makes sense to me, but not others

have meltdowns when forced to change tasks early and extreme distress with life changes

had an extremely strict routine growing up and had meltdowns with self-injurious stims if anything deviated. Similar meltdowns from things not going the way I meant continued into my 20s

if my approach to something isn't working, I'll often try the same approach over and over, like looking in the same place for something repeatedly

All the "stereotypical" autism things. Even if autism doesn't actually look a certain way, there is a specific look people associate with autism and I fit it. I'm sure people have thought my partner was my carer and in some ways he is. When I was 16 I expected to be living in an independent living facility as an adult, and it's only because I got on proper meds for my comorbid disorders that I'm not

Anyway, there's probably more I'm not thinking of, but I wanted to talk about my experiences a bit because I think some people view them as maybe an outdated view instead of a way that people actually experience autism. I'm open to answering questions.

Happy disability pride month everyone!

[verkele]

I guess I've got aphantasia lol. Like my imagination can't generate imagery for shit. I wonder how much that has affected my art skills and such with my hands having had to pick up the slack from my dysfunctional headmeats in order to illustrate myself anything. Like the best i can do is more or less limited to like structural analysis of what I can already see, like some sorta 3d blowup diagrams or potential wireframe topology and measurements, kinda like that one silly comic with 2 girls interviewing a distracted ass angel if you know what i mean. And even those aren't really anything "visible" but more like a conceptual level "I know what's in there" kinda thing.

Also I just got another new pair of cheapo glasses I grabbed online for a little experiment adjusting the values a little cause my left eye astigmatism is a tiny bit askew compared to right so I did a little 10 degree adjustment to match that. Also for some extra context that I forgot to ramble about earlier, I had ordered another different shaped set a while ago, which unlike the first pair, actually made me feel like 10-20 inches taller than normal while the first pair had the opposite effect. I also had the cheapest set ordered for work use back then that didn't really have a noticeable effect like that, sort of acting like a baseline between the wacky ones. Anyway, the newest pair with the adjusted angle happens have the exact same frame and shape as the cheap baseline glasses, but somehow they made me feel even shorter than the first glasses did. Like a whole knee height shorter lol

Also I still got one extra set i grabbed from aliexpress for even cheaper price with more stylish design and much different shape. Will see what sorta effect those might have :v