#context: I am english. terrible but true

[haridraws]

Cover reveal for the UK version of my new book!!

More info & pre-order links here

(The different publishers developed their own covers separately, but the UK version is the exact same inside, just British spellings!)

Graphic novels are not a huge market here, so for me it's a big deal to have a version coming out on home turf. Very excited to see it in print and show it to everyone.

YES I WROTE IT NORMAL FOR ME, CHANGED LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE SPELLING TO AMERICAN. AT LENGTH. SO MANY WORDS I DIDN'T KNOW WERE DIFFERENT IN THE US. THEN I CHANGED THEM ALL BACK FOR THE UK PUBLISHER. IN THE ART.

I NO LONGER KNOW HOW ANY WORDS ARE SPELT ANYWHERE. ALL WORDS ARE MEANINGLESS. LANGUAGE RETURNED TO ABSTRACTION, LOST ALL SHAPE AND FORM. DARKNESS TOOK ME AND I STRAYED OUT OF THOUGHT AND TIME AND I WANDERED FAR ON ROADS THAT I WILL NOT TELL

hope you enjoy the book!

[reunionatdawn]

My Analysis of the Best Paired Endings in 3H (Part 20: Non-AM Ingrid/Ashe)

Felix: If I were to die here, would you say something like you did when it was my brother? "That's the true end for a knight."

First things first, I personally think Rodrigue's comment came off substantially worse in Japanese than it did in the localization. In English, his reaction came off more as passive acceptance. Like, "well at least he died so honorably". In Japanese, I don't think it was quite as passive. The part "だ" at the end of the sentence implied the expectation or ideal of what a knight's end should be.

Dimitri: …And you would hold up such a painful end as an ideal? Ingrid: Painful end…? Even if it's Your Highness speaking, I cannot let that pass. Glenn gave his life for you. Yet, to put it that way…! Dimitri: You didn't witness his final moments. …That's why you can say that. Ingrid: …No matter what Your Highness says, he will forever be the ideal knight to me, the person to aspire to.

That was also what Ingrid thought of as the ideal death. It's how she hoped to die, when the time came. And at the very least, that probably seemed better to her than dying as a bored and lonely housewife to some nobleman she had to marry for financial reasons.

Ingrid: Now that I have parted ways with my father, there is nothing to hinder my dream. However, even if I become a knight in the future, deep inside my heart… I feel like something will always remain blocked. As someone born not as a knight but as a noble, I wonder if there was a role for me to fulfill…

In VW, Ingrid runs away from home to pursue her dream of becoming a knight. The Japanese word she used in her A-Support with Byleth was "つかえる" (tsukaeru). It means "to be blocked" or "to be obstructed." In this context, it conveys the idea of being unable to move forward emotionally or mentally. She says this no matter what route you choose. Even in AM, she had doubts about knighthood.

I believe AM!Ingrid is probably pretty happy. The Kingdom doesn't collapse, Dimitri survives to become a righteous king, she stays on good terms with her father, she can pursue her own goals instead of just getting married, and her childhood friends Felix and Sylvain are alive and well (unless you let them die in Classic Mode, I guess).

However, I also know that her non-AM endings—where she doesn't become a knight—are very popular and many consider them better than her AM endings. I completely understand why, and I actually agree with that notion very strongly. I don't think Ingrid becoming a knight after the war is necessarily terrible, especially if she has a life partner. I just think she probably experiences more positive character development and personal growth in Verdant Wind than Azure Moon.

Ingrid: ...Your Highness. I will not throw away my life for someone else's sake. ...However, would you permit me to live for someone's sake, Your Highness? Not in the sense of throwing away my life — I want to dedicate my life to you. Dimitri: ...Wait. How should I interpret that? Ingrid: ...? However you like, Your Highness.

In Ingrid's A-Support with Dimitri, you learn that her dream of becoming a knight was probably influenced heavily by her feelings for him. She probably had a crush on him ever since they were kids and she fantasized about being the Kyphon to his Loog. She probably thought that if she pledged her life a knight, she could be by his side, almost like a wife. And she sincerely thought that she wouldn't mind dying for him, either. It'd just be dying for the person she loved.

Dimitri: Ingrid. Once this battle is over, I want you to… ………………。...As a knight, I want you to support me. … I've been thinking of saying that for a while. We get along well, don't we? Ingrid: … As a knight? Um, well, no! It's nothing! Of course, even without being told, I intend to fight for Your Highness… I mean, for our country.

In her A-Support, she told Dimitri that she was finally able to move on from Glenn's death now because of him. And she basically proposed to him. But he turned her down, only asking her to be his knight, not his wife. She was disappointed, but still accepted. And she serves as a knight to House Blaiddyd in most of her AM paired endings.

Ingrid: Whatever the path, I will fight for my lord and believe in him. ……!

In VW, Dimitri was going down a dark path, and he was willing to sacrifice all of his childhood friends just to satisfy his personal grudge against Edelgard. An unrecruited Ingrid still clung to her dream and chose to go along with whatever path her lord chose. And it's definitely portrayed as negative development for her.

Ingrid: I apologize, Your Highness… I am not… like that person… Dimitri: Ingrid…….

I don't know why the localization changed Ingrid's VW death quote so much. But in Japanese, it gives off a completely different meaning than in English. She was, of course, referring to Glenn. It implies that she didn't feel like she could live up to being the ideal knight. When it truly came down to it, she realized that ideal wasn't what she aspired to, and she really wasn't content to lay down her life for Dimitri.

Felix: Those who want to die, step forward. …I'll cut you all down at once.

VW was absolutely NOT Felix's ideal death. His ideal death was to spend his life with Sylvain and grow old and die peacefully alongside him. Sylvain is actually the only partner Felix can't end up with in VW because he feels too guilty about living for himself. But left unrecruited, Felix will fight very hard to survive.

Felix: Gasping for air…… This place ……My place to die…… Dimitri: ……Felix.

Felix's VW death quote is very interesting in Japanese. The first time he used the word "place" he used "ところ" (tokoro) and the second time he used the word "場所" (basho). "Basho" primarily refers to a physical location. "Tokoro" is more flexible and versatile. It is often used in expressions related to time or states of being.

Sylvain: Finally… I can go to the place where they are…

Sylvain also used "tokoro" when he died in CF. This is the way I interpreted Felix's Japanese VW death quote. He was having a vision of being someplace else. Like an afterlife place. And he realized that the physical place he was in was where he was going to die.

Sylvain: Well… this is fate for you. Sorry, but… quietly accept it.

Sylvain's VW battle dialogue is a bit colder in Japanese. He tells the enemy to just accept their fate, the way he thought he had to when it came to his arranged marriage. He realized it's kill or be killed. And he didn't want to die. He apologized with the word "悪い" (warui). Specifically, the word translates to "bad" or "evil." But it can also describe moral judgments or expressions of regret. Like "my bad".

Sylvain: Hey, Your Highness… enough…let's put an end to the bad dream, yeah……?

Sylvain's unrecruited death quote in VW is completely different in Japanese. In English, they just reused his Classic Mode death quote for some reason I can't understand. But in Japanese, it's interesting because the standard word for "nightmare" is "悪夢" (akumu). It is the common way to refer to a frightening or distressing dream during sleep. But Sylvain used "悪い夢" (warui yume).

While grammatically correct, it's not frequently used to describe nightmares that way in everyday language. Sylvain's dream was to die alongside Felix. But not THIS way. And in Japanese, he could only cope by telling himself that it was all just a bad dream.

Dimitri: ………………。

There are many ways to interpret Dimitri's response to Sylvain's death. Unlike with Felix and Ingrid, he didn't say his name out loud. But I don't think it was because he felt less emotion when Sylvain died. Because he also just says "……." for Mercedes. But with Sylvain, it's a much longer ellipsis. Personally, I think that Sylvain's dying words were so disturbing that he was just rendered speechless.

Felix: …I've known that boar prince since before birth. Before I knew it, he was always by my side… Maybe he was even my close friend. Byleth: Maybe? Felix: …I didn't understand his hatred or his agony toward the Empire at all. If it were me… Could I have saved him? Could I have stopped him?

After Dimitri's death, Felix used the term "親友" (shinyuu). It means "close friend" or "best friend." The localization chose "best friend". But in this context, I personally believe he was using it to mean "close friend". "Shinyuu" implies a close friendship, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they are your single closest friend like "best friend" does. Felix was saying that he used to consider himself to be close to Dimitri. But in hindsight, maybe they were never really as close as he thought they were, because he never truly understood his feelings.

Sylvain: There's nothing left after he wields his lance. It's like being hit by a great storm. …What drives him to that extent is probably his hatred toward the Empire, after all. Byleth: Wasn't he different before? Sylvain: Yeah... Maybe it's just that we didn't know him back then.

Sylvain has a similar line in CF where he admits that maybe they didn't really know Dimitri that well, after all. He used "we", so he was definitely including Felix and Ingrid along with himself.

Ingrid: I have known His Highness since childhood, but… I have never seen him like that before. The person we have known until now seems completely different…

And after the Holy Tomb, Ingrid admitted that she'd never seen that side of Dimitri before. She may have thought she was in love him, but she was in love with an idealized image of him based on who she knew as a kid. Not the person he really was as an adult.

Ingrid: Among the soldiers we captured in the previous battle, there were quite a few who served His Highness. One of them told me that the Empire was involved in the "Tragedy of Duscur." If that's true, then perhaps I should have fought alongside His Highness in the army as well… (Option 1) Byleth: Why? Ingrid: I also… lost the person who was most important to me in that incident.

After the battle at Gronder in VW, Ingrid made it clear that Glenn was the most important person in the world to her. He was the reason she felt guilty about not fighting alongside Dimitri with the Kingdom.

(Option 2) Byleth: Do you regret it? Ingrid: No, not now. I actually think it's better that I'm part of this army. We will carry on the wishes of those who perished. We won't let the Empire's atrocities happen again.

You gain Support points if you ask her if she regrets her decision. And she doesn't. She's glad that she survived. She spent so long idealizing a knight's death. But when it came down to it, she was glad that she didn't die mindlessly following the orders of her king. This is especially poignant if you didn't recruit her childhood friends Felix and Sylvain, who did die painfully, never fulfilling their own dreams.

Ingrid: What will happen to Faerghus… to Fódlan, once this battle is over? Byleth: There will be peace. Ingrid: Peace… you say. I don't wish for such grand things. But… I just want a world where people are no longer dragged into conflict and schemes, where there is no suffering, no loss of life. No… I believe it's our duty as survivors to create such a world.

Ingrid experiences very positive character growth when she lets go of her childhood dream to become a knight and finds a new purpose.

王道 (Ōdō): -王 (Ō) means "king" or "monarch," while 道 (dō) means "way" or "path." -王道 generally refers to the "right" or "proper" way of doing things, often associated with traditional or conventional norms, values, and principles. -It can also refer to the "path of the king" or the ideal path of leadership that embodies virtues such as wisdom, benevolence, and justice. -王道 emphasizes legitimacy, morality, and adherence to established rules and traditions in governance or leadership.

The developers said the CF represented 覇道 (Hadō) and AM represented 王道 (Ōdō). In that case, VW would be somewhere in-between. 王道 emphasizes moral, legitimate, and traditional leadership principles, whereas 覇道 suggests a more aggressive pursuit of dominance, often without regard for moral or ethical considerations. The positive side of AM is that Dimitri eventually does become a benevolent monarch.

Dimitri: Ashe, what do you think a knight is? Ashe: Huh? Someone who risks their life to protect the people, the king, and ultimately, the country…? Dimitri: Indeed… Many say that's what a knight should be… But the reality isn't so beautiful. Ultimately, a knight is someone who kills. The chivalric code preaches loyalty only to control knights and prevent them from betraying their liege.

But the downside is perhaps that it ends too conventionally. AM overall sticks to the "proper" and traditional way of doing things, which Claude was opposed to. And I would say that Claude was opposed to those traditions for good reason.

Ingrid & Ashe (Non-AM) Ingrid pleaded for the survival of the confiscated Galatea territory and was appointed its new lord. To support her, Ashe headed to Galatea territory. There, he faced the cold gaze of the people directed towards Ingrid, who had once fled from the Galatea family. Ashe supported Ingrid devotedly and worked hand in hand to reform the territory and improve agricultural techniques. Gradually, as people witnessed their efforts, the attitude of the residents softened. Eventually, the two, who had come to love each other, received a grand blessing from the residents and held a simple yet lively wedding ceremony.

I still think that Ashe is a fantastic partner for Ingrid in VW. And from an objective standpoint, I do think that this is a better ending than their AM counterpart. I think that helping Galatea become more fertile would be more fulfilling for both Ingrid and Ashe than becoming knights. But in VW, Ingrid's childhood friend group is pretty much decimated, which is a high price for her to pay.

[phoebe-delia]

Chicago's 6 Merry Murderesses as Taylor Swift's songs

I thought of this earlier today and thought maybe one or two people on here might find it amusing so here you go lol.

For context, you've got to know the lyrics to Cell Block Tango. (If you don't and you want to read on, here are the lyrics.) I will refer to each of the murderesses by both their character name AND the sound they make in the song: Pop (Liz), Six (Annie), Squish (June), Uh-uh (Hunyak), Cicero (Velma), and Lipschitz (Mona)

I am assigning the songs based on the vibe their story gives me. I am also challenging myself by excluding "No Body No Crime," since that would be a bit of a cop-out IMO.

I had fun putting this together! I hope someone else finds it interesting lol.

CW: discussion of murder, guns, blood, violence

POP/Liz: "Bejeweled" from Midnights

Liz says she kills her boyfriend because she came home from work in a bad mood and he was popping his gum too loud, which was a frequent habit of his. She was annoyed and told him to stop, but he didn't, so she shot him. This is, obviously, completely unhinged. It gives me "Bejeweled" vibes because of the lyrics "didn't notice you were walking all over my peace of mind" and "familiarity breeds contempt." Idk I just see a similar feeling of "you've gotten on my last nerve and I'm done with you" from both.

SIX/Annie: "Babe" from Red

Annie says she killed her boyfriend because he told her he was single, they got together and moved in, and then she found out he had multiple wives. So then she poisoned him. This gives me "Babe" vibes because it feels like she fell fast and hard and found out he wasn't the person she thought he was. This one is all about betrayal and feeling blindsided by infidelity and I think the song fits really well.

SQUISH/June: "Getaway Car" from reputation

June says she was making dinner when her husband burst through the door, screaming and accusing her of having an affair with the milkman. She then says he "ran into" her knife 10 times. We don't know for certain if his accusations against her are true; she doesn't let on either way. If he was screaming and raging, she could've thought she was in danger and acted in self-defense. My interpretation, though, is that she was cheating, and then killed him to keep him quiet. For this reason, I chose "Getaway Car," because the milkman was her own "Getaway Car" out of that relationship similar to how Taylor describes in the song.

Uh-Uh/The Hunyak: "Haunted" from Speak Now

Her story is SUPER sad. She's falsely accused of killing her husband, and then no one will listen to her because she can't speak English and properly advocate for herself. To me, this song captures some of the turmoil and grief she's feeling, both for herself and her husband. As the song says, "Come on, come on, don't leave me like this/I thought I had you figured out/Something's gone terribly wrong/You're all I wanted." And like, obviously, her husband didn't leave her here. But I think it portrays a similar feeling of dread and panic.

Cicero/Velma: "Better Than Revenge" from Speak Now

This was the first—and I'm pretty sure only—time Taylor addressed a woman with whom a boyfriend cheated or wronged her. I think it fits Velma's story very well. Velma and her sister did a traveling dance act, and Velma's husband traveled with them. One night, Velma caught them having sex, so she "blacked out" and killed them. Just look at the lyrics to "Better Than Revenge" and see what you think:

"She came along, got him alone, and let's hear the applause/She took him faster than you could say sabotage/I never saw it coming, nor would I have suspected it/I underestimated just who I was dealing with/She had to know the pain was beating on me like a drum/She underestimated just who she was stealing from."

Lipschitz/Mona: "I Knew You Were Trouble" from Red

Mona describes Al Lipschitz as being a sensitive artist. She says she fell deeply in love with him, but that he was trying to "find himself" and ended up cheating on her with multiple women. She's vague about how he died, but she does give us this pretty crazy line:

"I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive... and I saw him dead"

Anyway, to be honest, part of what made me pick this song was picturing the music video: this suave, charming artist flirting with this girl and then leaving her because he's a "loner" and a "drifter." I think the story she tells goes well with the vibe of the song.

If you made it this far—thanks for reading!! 💛

[goron-king-darunia]

Annon-Guy: Thoughts on the songs from Shadow The Hedgehog (Game)?

"I Am (All of Me)" perfectly encapsulates, to me, everything they're trying to get across with what the main game themes are. The capacity for both great good and terrible evil inside all of us, and the specific struggle Shadow has to face in deciding how to direct his immense power. It's all coated in that Edgy Branding that Shadow built up. I think the only criticism I can give it is that in order to parallel the first and second verses, the rhyme scheme is limited and sounds a little amateurish. That said, it is a video game for teens, it doesn't have to be high art in order to be a good game, and toying too much with the phrasing to get other rhymes to work wouldn't necessarily make it better. It's just an unfortunate result of having to use the particular rhyme scheme over. The game hits you with an absolute banger right out of the box. I approve.

I wasn't a fan in my younger days of either the deep rumbling vocals or the higher pitch more gravely growls in "Almost Dead." I appreciate them a bit more now, but I still find it hard to decipher the lyrics, even knowing what they are, because they meld together with the harsher blown out electric guitar. I understand these are staples of the Metal Genre, but it's why I'm more into power metal and symphonic metal over straight heavy metal a lot of the time. That said, it works surprisingly well as a dark theme. Part of the appeal of a game where you can choose to be good or evil, even though the choice largely doesn't matter in the broader context of this game given the true ending, is that feeling of righteous anger and getting to unleash your fury and rage. But the morbid lyrics almost beg you to question that. Shadow isn't really happy going down this dark path. The lyrics signal a sort of resignation to a fate where he's hated by others and can't trust the people he fights beside and feels caught in the middle of two sides of a world he can't relate to. Which brings us to...

"Waking Up." A guilty pleasure of mine and definitely where I would have put my vote in the poll if it wasn't for "All Hail Shadow." Waking up feels much more like Shadow indulging in a righteous anger. Teen me loved this song and when we were picking songs in Dance Class, this is one I put forward as something we could choreograph to. Didn't end up happening but man, it would have been rad. Works tremendously as the neutral end theme. It really hammers in that this is Shadow doing things for himself. While his goals may occasionally align with someone else's, he's ultimately out here to break anything he feels like if he thinks it will get him answers. Slay, king.

Unironically, "The Chosen One" was a theme I once arranged for a poetry assignment in English class to "write a song about what it feels like to be a teenager. Edgy as fuck and cringe as hell. I had so much power being unlimited cringe back then. That said I do think the song resonated with me for a reason. Besides the broader experience of chūnibyō (中二病), with that obnoxious anime protag phase I absolutely had, I do think the main sentiment of the theme of inheriting a responsibility I wasn't aware I signed up for by being born and having to move forward in a world that I suddenly understand is imperfect. Teenage years are about slowly easing into adulthood and realizing that childhood magic is largely a gift bestowed upon you by the adults in your life and that being a teenager is a sticky place where you have the rights of a child but are shouldering more of the responsibilities of an adult.

You get exposed to a lot of problems of the adult world and have no real experience to realize that even the stuff that looks easy on the outside is complicated, so you get this idea as a teen that either you're the smartest person to ever exist and being a teen is so unfair because if adults would just let you take a crack at it you could *totally* fix things (delusions of grandeur) or you see this yawning void of joyless drudgery and realize it's all too much for you so suddenly and you're being asked to help contribute to a world you barely understand and it's 3 AM and you're gaming even though you have school later and realize that your future, at least if you want a better world, is going to be picking up the pieces in the aftermath of problems you didn't create and you feel like a lamb to slaughter (this is mostly depression, I think.) It's coming to terms with imperfect parents, realizing you're alive against your will and it's nobody's fault, coming to terms with your own imperfections.

For Shadow it's a much more direct lyrical connection. It's him coming to terms with the fact that he was created with a specific purpose that he's being expected to fulfill, even though he doesn't have a full understanding of his past and himself. It's him realizing that he has to inherit the purpose he was born for and the life his past self led, including the harm he did in SA2 and during the events of Shadow The Hedgehog as well in order to remember even a fraction of who he is and what he has to do. The almost mournful wailing of the guitar in this alt-rock masterpiece and that uncertain synth droning vibration ending honestly carry so much. Absolutely a number 3 pick. Ratatosk DotNW could have had a vibe like this and it would have been so cool. Shadow stepping the fuck up and realizing even if he doesn't understand everything fully, that he still needs to make the right choice for the good of humanity, even though he's doomed to be, basically, alone in this task forever because he's functionally immortal. Absolute king shit and I love me a sad boy with a god complex, even if that sad boy is a 50+ year old alien hedgehog alien.

Crush 40 absolutely crushing it with "All Hail Shadow." My top pick. Unironically feels more like a vengeance song than the dark theme does. Shadow is in his element and this is audibly a triumphant song, but the lyrics are almost DANGEROUS. This is Shadow absorbed in the absolute euphoria of being able to justify all his pain by throwing down against an enemy he doesn't fully understand. He's been given blanket permission by the "good guys" to throw hands and he is more than happy to take them up on that opportunity. This song is "fuck it, we ball" at its finest. Shadow the Hedgehog woke the fuck up, couldn't remember a goddamn thing and went "neat, I fucking hate this but since there's nowhere else to go but up, let's fucking GO." The song unironically feels like a reward for being a goodie two-shoes without making you take off your edgy dark eye-shadow and goth/scene/emo clothing. The game is about an edgyboy shooting guns and driving vehicles and smashing everything in the way, so the song does lean a bit heavy on the glorifying violence aspect, even lyrically, but dear god. This is Shadow and the player wallowing in the euphoria and power fantasy of being given permission to raise hell. Delicious. 10/10 no notes.

"E.G.G.M.A.N." is a remix that almost lives up to the original. The extra synth and cutting the original vocals together to up the scat factor that showed up at the tail of the original rendition and cutting the lyrics as a whole down to just the essentials is honestly an incredible move. Keeps everything good about the original and amps up some of the parts that needed attention. Maybe it's the rose-tinted goggles, but the original will always be better in my opinion. But holy crap this is how you do a remix, especially considering that Eggman goes back to being a background character in this game rather than a playable and focal character like he was in SA2. Chef's kiss.

"Never Turn Back" is absolutely a baller ending theme. The sad reprise of "All of Me" as part of the intro is a stellar move. Crush 40 is incapable of missing. Not as triumphant as "All Hail Shadow" but the more steady, almost shanty/worksong rhythm has such a rugged and determined feeling. This is confidence. Shadow has decided what he's about now and he's sticking to his guns from here on out. He's moving forward regardless of what's true or not, he's decided what he wants regardless of and independent from everyone else.

This is my first time learning the history behind "Broken." I did see the trivia about it being an unused hero theme because they couldn't get the rights in time. I'm actually kind of glad. "The Chosen One" being written especially for the game makes it more fitting anyway and it wouldn't exist without the mishap, but I can definitely see where they were going with "Broken" and it honestly gives me that same feeling "The Chosen One" does about, well, what being a teen felt like. Coming into your own identity, but still wanting to be approved of by others, or at least not hated for being who you want to be, and the tension that sort of thing creates.

The Music from Shadow the Hedgehog is honestly always going to sit in a foundational place in my core. Absolutely stellar stuff that hit my squishy brain at exactly the right time in my life to get wedged there permanently. An absolutely incredible track list.

[sketching-shark]

What do you think? Did the S4 Special do enough to redeem Wukong in your eyes? Is the Shadowpeach reconciliation believable? I'm on the fence about it.

Monkie Kid spoilers and some grumbling (& edits to said grumbling) below

I haven't actually watched the special anon! Both because I figured I'd wait until the English dub came out and also because I wanted to wait and hear back from people in the fandom who's opinion I trust as to whether it's a good watch or if it's yet another "and here's even more scenes of MK getting traumatized & even more reasons why the Monkey King sucks entire" kind of plot for big chunks of the story. Gotta say though I am feeling kind of wary about everything given that from what admittedly little I heard MK and SWK's relationship had deteriorated to the point where the monkie kid literally asks if the monkey king is a villain and apparently it's now been fully revealed that Macaque never did anything wrong ever and SWK truly was just a selfish jerk that entire time. So. awesome. Really does make SWK's whole treating his apparent bfff forever in the other seasons with either contempt or rage even more heinous!

Fully aware that I'm likely missing a lot of context here and I'm already primed to be leery of the SWK and LEMH drama both because of the whole "that's his evil twin" deal in the og classic (yes yes I know they've veered widely from that but come on why is everyone so hellbent on pretending the true and false monkey king arc doesn't exist) but also because Flying Bark has been dragging it out for so long & honestly to the detriment of like literally every other relationship the monkey king had or has. Honestly it's gotten to the point where I'm really wondering if they decided to write SWK as such a massive failure and in many ways a genuinely terrible teacher so that LEMH could look more benign in comparison even with the stuff he pulled...plus from what I understand we still have no idea why SWK killed LEMH or even if he killed LEMH, and STILL have no idea what happened to the og pilgrims! I hear that this show's trying to do something about how you can't change your past mistakes but you can be better in the future, but that's kind of hard to do when you won't even say what exactly those past mistakes were!

EDIT: so I have since learned that Sun Wukong and Qi Xiaotian apparently spend most of this special together in an actually good way AND that there was some genuine reason given for why the Monkey King did the things he did so still have to see it myself but awesome if true! I suppose the lesson for me here is don't base impressions only on what tumblr tags bring up lmao

[doshmanziari]

Hey, everyone. I have a new piece up on my Substack page.

A Casual Evaluation of the Xenogears Soundtrack, Having Not Played the Game

I am, at once, a little pleased and a little confused by this being apparently the Internet's first negative evaluation -- likely not true, since so much of the Internet has been lost to time. But, try as I might, I couldn't find anything except the most effusive words for this, Yasunori Mitsuda's first solo score, written during his mid-20s.

As I conclude:

It's easy, I think, to envision Mitsuda's score at one point impressing itself upon listener's ears much in the way Xenogears, the game, might have, in the sense that both may have served to open up a wider range of multimedia to an otherwise unfamiliar audience. See, for instance, Neon Genesis Evangelion and English-speaking audiences' awakened awareness of anime. But I can only really evaluate this music according to the current context. Taken as a whole today, the soundtrack comes off as terribly quaint. I get the sense that it is beloved by the sort of person who regards an easily retained melody as the core value of significant music, and so sees a soundtrack like Final Fantasy XII’s — “woefully” daring to go beyond the two-part mold of lead + accompaniment composition — as unmemorable. It is, to me, an unimaginable representative for what has been canonized as an essential title for the medium — although perhaps Xenogears as a totality has similarly come to betray the cultural insularity and naivety of contemporary, teen-age responses to it.

As always, feel free to let me know what you think here or there.

[katyspersonal]

I am feeling so ill. My mental pain keeps translating into physical one, like something that keeps poisoning me from within, and it can last from very morning to very evening at times. I wish I stopped being reminded of the backstabbing, of how much that person has been lying to us, and how she threw away her empathy and common sense in an instant, as soon as she got enticed with the prospect to feel like a """victim""". When everything was explained and even forgiven prior.

For a Christian, she sure is a terrible one, and really should pray to her God for forgiveness. Because that's sin of vanity if I've seen one. Her sorry pro-lifer ass that can't even use they/them pronouns because it is "not correct in English" and has been following Mico herself before he deactivated must be satisfied with people around with whom she has to censor her true opinions, I suppose? She had all context, she had explanation and apology, she faked having accepted that apology too, lied about not really caring about the "drama", faked patience and lied about always welcoming me back - only to latch at the first chance to backstab me and my friends she got. And the way she conveniently ignored how I took my words back, too.. I don't know what is WRONG with people who think that when a person that has been stalked and harassed for a year lashes out upon feeling threatened - they've shown their """true face""". Nobody is more alien to normal human emotions and reactions than Americans. I guess for them you are either physically incapable of anger, fear and fucking up OR you are a vile dangerous monster.

But the real question - what did she want to ACCOMPLISH? She didn't really feel like a star and gain sympathy like a victim of the """horrible mistreatment""" that me lashing out when she defended my STALKER was - that I also TOOK BACK. From my knowledge, she kept herself anonymous. And of course instantly blocked me, because like a coward she could not answer for her lies. She also lost other friends too - one HATES liars and hypocrites more than anything, another has similar emotional problems to mine so no longer feels safe, third straight up was harassed by that person as well.. "They are still lovely people" she says. And I am not a "lovely" person, of course. Because "lovely" people just smile and shrug off being stalked, harassed and talked untrue shit about for a year, I suppose? Because "lovely" people don't become clingy for someone defending them so loud and proud?

My only theory is that she just secretly harbored hatred towards me all along but was forcing the facade of patience and understanding, until one day finally came what looked like a good justification to drop it. But then why sending me all that emotional support when I fell for suicidal road back in spring? Why write at least two essays to Alfred-chan about her right to interact with me and about how I deserved kindness and compassion? Why acting flattered when I said I loved her (platonically) when in reality she was creeped out? Why bothering to explain me how she did not blame me and always would welcome me back in the blog? Following me for a decent time and all that interacting. Was feeling like a poor victim that fell under attack of the "monster" for like 5 minutes without even revealing her name to the world and losing more likeminded people worth it? Was it worth it? How? How mad you should be at someone for getting attached more than """acceptable""" and for lashing out before learning why you'd defend someone that harassed us, that you'd resort to backstabbing and break all your prior promises? She even told me stuff like "ratting someone out is very condemned in my culture and I'd never do that". Then what DID she do, when she showed the moment of weakness I had 40 days ago, to a deranged ableist that has been condoning harassment and canceling for hell knows how long and she could tell wished me harm?

I want to ask whether it was worth it, but clearly she didn't lose anything of value. One of those "but internet connections are not REAL uwu" people.

I so badly want to say that this is my fault for trusting someone who is not only American but also a Christian, double combination of hypocrite and all you know. Because I just want to find a reason. I want to know WHY, even if the answer is something as shallow as nationality and religion. But this is just not fair to people who are one or both of these things but have common sense to not lie and not be cut throats. I guess the real reason is that some people are just too easily enticed with the chance to feel like the "good" guys, to mark category of people that do not deserve any empathy, human bonds and understanding because they are "evil and dangerous". It is just easier. You feel justified to mistreat a certain category of people because they are "bad" - all while the criteria for why they're "bad" is growing progressively absurd. But this coming from a person that preached kindness and acceptance. Yet she sided with the people that punish me FOR having shown that kindness and acceptance to someone else, and never intend to stop. Why following Mico yourself, then?

I have no skill of forgiving people that do not feel remorse, I am not that kind of a person. It just hurts until I forget or find another thing to worry about. I don't know where to turn to, what superior power to pray to for faster healing from this, because betrayal like this is the worst thing you can do to me. It is fine to refuse to forgive someone's mental breakdown, but why not tell me off in private? Why run under the skirt of the person with bad faith that only supports neurodivergence in the form of being quirky about one's special interests and not for what problems it really brings? Does she really think it is victim's fault when they develop bad trust and abandonment issues upon a creepy stalker trying to ruin their life? The cunt would've doxxed me if they could only over the fact that I said I was gonna reblog from who I want - again, something she herself kept getting harassed over. So was that okay, then? She never meant her words, then, and only flexed her "I interact with who I want" for weird flex of herself as a hero, and not for our friends group?

Well, yes. It has to be that. Until she saw an opportunity to switch sides and find a more compelling "enemy" to stand against. The final punch in the gut is that she assumes my friends are okay with the betrayal either, just goes around as though nothing happened, as though having betrayed someone and still writing them down as vile and unremorceful even after they apologised to her two times was nothing. Yeah, why? If a person failed to meet her personal mark of forgiving, tolerating and shrugging off harassment - then they deserve to be backstabbing and thrown to those cultish ableists. That's her logic.

And I just want to vent all this in a sorry effort to remind myself: "See, she is so petty and callous that she doesn't deserve crying and hurting over! People like that are below you, Kat, just forget it and move on!" But in the end, I just can't stop asking myself why. She did not feel like that type of a person. My other mutual also said it was not expected, since she had that 'wise', thoughtful exterior all along and acted as though she was trustworthy. At this rate I was right in my accusation of her being brainwashed, I guess... The only thing I was wrong is the TIME when it happens.

[venyasum]

Recently I remembered the romantic of Ukrainian literature, Vasyl Symonenko, and his letters to his wife. For some reason, it seemed to me that the dynamics of their relationship are similar to those of Alice and Peter White, so I want to share these letters.

Note: the names will not be changed, just so you know, Lucia Symonenko is Alice, Vasyl Symonenko is Peter White. Further notes will be near the translation of the text.

((If you see a mistake in the text or a word that does not fit the context, please let me know.))

«Yesterday, I spent the whole day running around Kyiv. I was very sleepy, but I vowed to calm down only after 11 pm. There are a lot of nice girls here, but unfortunately, I haven't seen anyone like you.»

«Lyusia! I've already missed you a lot. For some reason, all the girls in dark blue coats look very much like you from a distance, but not up close. It's a pity. I love you - I love you wildly. No one has ever messed with my head like that. On paper, kissing is not very tasty, but I kiss my little Lyusia a million times. My lips won't hurt, don't worry.

Write a couple of lines <...>. I'm waiting.

I love you. Miss you. Kisses. Your Vasya.»

«Hello, Lyucia! I thought I had finally found the girl I had been looking for for so long. But your silence speaks volumes. Obviously, my letters were unnecessary and superfluous to you, just as I was unnecessary to you. Well, in that case, I'm sorry for bothering you with clumsy tenderness. I'm not going to throw a tantrum, because that's not my role, and, after all, I don't really know what the matter is.

It's just a shame that I can't forget you. I fell in like a boy. But this has nothing to do with the letter. Until I get some news from you, I won't write.

I'll leave you to it.

Vasily.»

«...The main thing is that I love Malyusia* and miss her very much. And, besides, I hope she misses me too. Don't you?

Love. Kisses. Yours, Vasily.»

((*It's a play on words. Symonenko's wife's name is Lyusia. In a diminutive form, he calls her Malyusia, which in Ukrainian is comparable to "my Lyusia" or "Little Lyusia."))

«I think about you so much that it makes me angry. I love you and miss you and hug you and kiss you and... and.... and....

Wait for news.

Give my best regards. Your husband Vassily.»

«I missed you, as always, more than you missed me, even though you're silly.

But I'm not going to talk about it, so that you don't turn up your nose. You already have it up*.»

((*Simonenko playfully alludes to Lucy's upturned nose. After all, in Ukrainian the phrase "to turn up one's nose to the sky (to be conceited)" and "to have a snub nose" are similar. And here it's a play on words.))

«And that's a goodbye*.

My little spindly girl, I love you, my one and only little, sweet girl.

Kisses.

Your Vasya.»

((*It may be interesting to someone, but Symonenko used anglicism here. That is, he wrote the English word 'goodbye' in Ukrainian letters - "ґудбай"))

«Lucy! You see how I am trying to please my beloved, and I am writing such a long letter that if it were not for you, I would probably never have done it. I love my little sinner. I miss her so much. I will be there soon. Wait a little longer and I will come home early.

I kiss your little hands with which you cleaned the fish <...>.

Bye, Lucia.

Say hello to family.

Your Simon.»

«I kiss my naughty Malyusia.

I've been writing the fourth letter, and I haven't heard from you. Are you lazy or do you not want to write? Or maybe the gray-haired boy who appeared on the postcards has appeared? I've never believed in superstition, but now I'm starting to be afraid. I missed you terribly. God knows what a bad girl you are, but I can't forget you for an hour. At first, all the girls from afar somehow looked like you. I even suspected that something was wrong with my head.»

«Dear Malyusia, you probably never think about me, because I don't seem to be hiccupping. If this sign is true, then you must consider me your worst enemy. You should be hiccupping from morning to evening, from evening to morning. Because you are always with me, because "blue-blue eyes shine into my soul like the first violets in spring."

I studied your only letter like a diplomatic note. But you probably won't be a statesman. Even though you have everything you need for that. You can speak in riddles, but a statesman must also be able to make promises. And you, my little minister, promise nothing.»

((Everything that follows will be without an attached photo, as unfortunately Tumblr does not allow more than 10 photos per post.))

«I can imagine how happy you are that your cranky husband can spend an extra day in Kyiv. The little tiger, if he could, would not have written you this unnecessary letter today, but would have appeared in person. To be honest, when I left you, I was afraid that I would still be throwing lascivious glances at girls, but I was afraid in vain. Now you are the only one who exists for me. That's right. Do you understand, stripy? If you don't like it, then complain to the police.»

«I bow to my little mistress! I kiss you from the first line, because I can't wait to the last one. I am staying temporarily at Yurka's for two days; tomorrow I will go to the dormitory.»

«Lucia!

I'm writing because if I talk, I'm bound to get confused and say something stupid. And then you don't like my habit of showing off my gnarly teeth.

I want to tell you this: I would be the last person to think of deceiving you. I drowned in your blue eyes. If another girl had dared to think of me the way you did, I assure you that at best I would never have spoken to her even about the weather. But I wasn't even really offended by you, because no one else has ever bothered me like that, because there is not a minute that goes by when I don't think about you, and there is not a night that I don't dream about you. You may not believe it, but I may die on this word if I write a lie.»

[emptymanuscript]

W. Somerset Maugham wrote one of my favorite quotes about writing:

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Part of why I love it is because I love thinking about what they would be. Sometimes I am even pretty sure that I DO know them. The problem is simply that they're not terribly satisfying. At three, it's almost the level of 'get good.' It's big enough that it's just kinda: yeah, duh.

Be clear

In general you should write a novel so that the intended audience understands at least all of what you want them to understand. Mysteries and weirdness is fine but the reader shouldn't think the character is in a cellar when you need them to know they're under the open sky. If the character's hand bursts into a swarm of horse flies for no known reason, yet, the audience needs to know that is what happened instead of asking, "huh?" because they have no clue what happened to the hand so they don't know they have to solve that mystery.

Be believable

You should use the details that will get that audience to believe what is happening in the story within the context of the story as you set it up while avoiding details that will make them disbelieve. If the story is about Superman, he can fly because the audience knows that Superman can fly. You can't just have some rando fly 3/4s of the way through a novel about a washed up golfer getting one last chance to make it big. Context does matter. But within the context, the audience has to be willing to buy what you're selling as legit.

Be interesting

And none of that will work unless you know why the audience is going to care about what is happening. Because you're going to need to sell that to them to get them to invest enough energy to try and understand and believe your writing when they can do something else easier and more fun. There is a particular thing your audience is interested in and you have to give that to them to keep them.

Bonus rule 4: don't take the concept of rules too seriously. Every "rule" exists for reasons but they're not holy writ. In fact, you should just assume that every other "rule" is more a guideline for the purposes of selling your work rather than an actual rule of how to write. They may help. They may not. It depends on what your audience will find interesting and believable. If it helps, great. If it doesn't help... well, there's also a reason that there are only three rules and they're so obnoxiously large scale. The creative art of making story is a vast and ancient space overflowing with untapped potentials. Novel publishing in English in the USA is an extremely teeny-tiny window flitting over a tiny section of that space that a few companies "know" is profitable. It's comparing the universe to a municipal water source. Both are real, true things. They're simply so vastly different that saying something about one isn't a good indication about the other.

[loveletterworm]

Sonic Forces (2017) was, arguably, the only game in the Sonic series to be produced during a period where the “two worlds” canon (a retcon that claimed that the animal characters and humans in the series lived in 2 entirely separate dimensions and characters simply went between these worlds off screen between games (deeply conflicting with prior material to the point where entire plots of games no longer made sense) which itself has now also been retconned so it is no longer true) was in place and to be made with this context specifically in mind. (I personally have argued that the actual case is that the writers of Forces forgot a human population was previously shown to exist in the series and hastily made the two worlds retcon to attempt to justify the sudden lack of humans after someone pointed it out, but for the sake of this post we will act as if they originally intended two worlds in the first place)

Sonic Forces was also, as my friend recently informed me, the first game where there was an attempt to imply that the world the game took place in (at the time of the game’s creation allegedly an ambiguous “Sonic’s world”) had it’s own language distinct from any human one. (Apparently the recent Sonic Prime show is also attempting to do something similar to this, however I disagree with the idea that this concept would ever work for this specific series for reasons I’ll get into the moment)

This isn’t really unusual of a concept for a game to have, especially one that was, for a brief period of time, attempting to take place in a world entirely distinct and separate from any human world. Splatoon, for example, famously gives Inklings their own language with subtitles to “translate” spoken dialogue, as those games take place in a setting where humans are extinct and thus any human language being used would make no sense.

However, the problem with suddenly making up a new language to be commonly used in the universe of the Sonic games is that, as they only started trying to do this decades into the series, when put to scrutiny they must now constantly bump into the issue that human languages already are known to exist and be actively used within the game universe, and have been commonplace throughout the series. (Usually English, though I wouldn’t be surprised if Japanese showed up at some point as well, and I’ve been told that in the opening of Sonic and the Secret Rings that Sonic is reading the Arabian Nights in Arabic but I am not familiar enough with the Arabic alphabet to verify myself)

This clear in-universe presence of the English language essentially confirms that the Sonic characters speaking human languages is not a Splatoon-type matter of their language being translated for the viewer -- they must be actively speaking these languages in universe.

Thus, in the specific setting that only Sonic Forces (as the only two worlds canon game) tries to present, there is a harrowing implication: Contact with the human world has driven the native language of the magic talking animal world to near extinction -- even when in their own world and not in the presence of any human, the magic talking animals do not speak their magic animal language in conversation and use human language instead. Their distinct language remains only on signage, so its written form survives, but for how long can it? Will it be practical and accessible to learn the written form when the spoken form is gone? The literal Rosetta stone may exist in the Sonic universe now as of Frontiers, but it was unaccounted for in 2017 and thus we don’t know if it existed in the once-briefly-intended two worlds canon.

Of course two worlds was a terrible idea that made most of the series not make sense so they retconned it before the next mainline game could come out and the humans and animals all live on the same planet again, so that specific scenario is presumably no longer the case. But for a brief span of time, it was the only logical conclusion of the world presented by Sonic Forces. Thank you for your time

[betweentheracks]

Hello and yay for this blog!!! I have a question :D. If a certain Chinese star were to wear jeans that say "my cock is gluten free" and "pull me down and fuck me," do you think his stylist would have chosen this knowingly, or do you think it's possible they just were like "hmm english words looks good" and didn't bother to look up the meaning? If they did know the meaning, would they have likely informed the star? Very desperate for the thought process behind this Choice hehehe. Thank you!

Ah, I was wondering hoping if I would get asked about those infamous jeans and here you are!

First and foremost; the following is all speculation from my experiences in the business and is wholly subjective. 

It isn’t impossible that they weren’t aware of what was written on the jeans, but it also isn’t all that likely either. When you pull up these jeans on the Dsquared2 site there’s a listing of what is doodled and written on the jeans and it’s not something that would be overlooked by neither stylist nor client. 

That said, Yibo does know some English and while he may not have known these words exactly, there’s more than enough ways of discerning their meaning. I would also bet half a year of my salary that his stylist would have known what was written here, or any number of personnel that works with them for that matter. I would also take into consideration that even if the jeans had slipped by all these people that may or may not have had the ability to see what was all over them, some of Yibo’s fellow idols should have (looking at you specifically, Seungyoun).

Setting this aside for a moment, I’ll go into who I think is responsible for the jeans being worn to begin with - Wang Yibo himself is the likely culprit. 

Why do I think this? There’s many reasons but most are inconsequential while two points frame the scene as I see it. 

This is markedly not a choice a stylist would make. Stylists, at the end of it all, are employees and therefore it shouldn’t be too surprising to know we have rules in place we must abide no matter if we are working outside the purview of the company we are housed under. Even when we work exclusively with a client, we are still taking the name of our company as well as our own with us and are operating as an extension of the brand the company promotes and promises. I don’t know of any company here (and I live in rather free faring place which welcomes eccentricities, mind) that would allow these jeans to be submitted as part of a pitch to either buy or borrow unless they were very specifically in line with a client’s public image and style. Technically these jeans would classify as offensive and profane which means they would invite trouble and cause a stir. While stylists are not associated much with the PR side of things we are still essentially a team playing for the same client - this selection, if gone badly, would be like asking for lightning to strike twice in one place at the same time. If a scandal amounted from them PR would have to handle it and that means the stylist would come under fire for making such a bold and risky choice, most especially with a younger client that thus far didn’t have the sort of image one would think to associate with jeans such as these. 

The second reason is that, from what I can tell, this is in line with Yibo’s personality. He’s very serious about style and engages with it as he does most things; by overtaking it completely and rebranding it to suit him to the point that it makes one wonder if the style wasn’t designed with him in mind. He makes full use of what fashion is all about at it’s core; expression. These jeans in particular would have suited the Yibo of the time he wore them (2018, if I remember right?) as he was trying to break away from the image he held as a pretty boy with demure and soft looks which held the shock value of being in such contrast with his dancing and rapping. He’s mentioned before that he doesn’t really like being “cute/sy” and having to do things in the way of that since it’s not true to who he feels he is. Which, honestly, a lot of idols and stars go through this experience where they no longer wish to be constrained by the persona they play for the public and one of the most impactful means of going about it is to address the styling since it is the focal point of public image. 

The Dsquared2 jeans don’t only say “my cock is gluten free,” there’s actually quite a lot to them and I think it would help if more were aware of it so here’s the description of them on the website: 

D Squared Limited Edition Jeans. Sexy Twist Printed Low Rise. Fun, Evil Boy, Love Sucks, Pull Me Down, Open Me, Unzip, Buttons, Wine Is My Water, Tic Tac Toe, Dean & Dan, Sex, Gluten Free Cock, Hot Patches

The jeans actually say “pull me down and fuck me” right there on the ass, but naturally they can’t list the expletives in the marketing. Not strictly important to this post, but still worth mentioning given the hushed treatment of what the placement of such words could easily imply and the effect that could have had. 

Anyway, the bit that is very telling in my opinion is that “evil boy” tag. I’m not terribly certain due to having never been fortunate enough to work with these jeans myself and the internet only has so many pictures from so many angles, but “evil boy” is either written somewhere (which I think is the case since there’s devil horns present as well) or they’re being promoted as such for aesthetic value. Regardless, I am fairly certain this would be the feature which caught Yibo’s eye. It’s on brand for someone seeking to shatter the conceptual ideal of being naive, innocent, youthful, or soft.

The jeans as a whole fit with Yibo’s sense of humor, as I’ve seen it at least. He lost his mind and fell into full laughter and hysterics over a dick joke, not even minding that he was being filmed or anything. He was still laughing about it even after the other hosts had moved beyond it, making them circle back around to it and in turn making it all the more hilarious for him to enjoy. You can see it clearly in the bts footage from the CQL set that he enjoys being mischievous and stirring things up and having a good time. 

This is who he is, I believe, and it makes a lot of sense for him to have made this stylistic choice and then either convince his stylist to let him run with it or change out at the last second. Both of these are possible, though one of them is less probable than the other given how tricky it actually would be to sneak a wardrobe alteration past the many people that make up the staffing roster for any events, and then to be able to change in the limited time frame available between exiting the dressing room to being in the public sphere would be one in a thousand. Much simpler to goad your stylist into being lenient enough to give you free reign over your own styling - we can only hold out and say no when the grounds for it are met, which this wouldn’t have done in all likelihood - and most of the time we build up a good enough relationship and rapport with clients that we end up doting on them a bit and heed their requests when we can.

That’s all from me on this token moment in Yibo’s very stacked fashion history. Thanks for asking!

Furthermore, there’s the third possibility that this wasn’t a styling choice whatsoever. Or at least not one that involved the stylist in any real regard. It is very plausible that this was just Yibo in his own clothes, having dressed down after the main events wound down. I’ve never actually watched to see what that night looked like overall, but from the videos I have seen it looked to me like the actual do had passed and they were all just goofing around and having their own dance competitions and such when he was wearing them. I can’t say for sure that he did or did not have them on for the whole thing or if they were his own self packed casual wear. In which case it would fall back to his studio to tend to since stylists generally don’t hold authority over personal clothing choices and only ever have a hand in it when it is expressly stated in contracts or temporary clauses, and it just isn’t too common anymore. 

Worth a quick mention for means of distinction, here in the US this choice wouldn't have raised many eyebrows no matter if it was chosen by an artist or a stylist. The only reason I feel it necessary to say this is simply because this is not so in China and that alone lends context to the controversy of these jeans. In the scope of conservatism these jeans are outrageous and I think that a stylist would steer clear of utilizing them at all if they value their job. This is why I don't consider it likely at all that Yibo and his stylist collaborated to make use of these jeans as a way to shake away the remnants of his pretty boy aesthetic.

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed, Episode 01

(Masterpost) (Next Episode)

Warning: This is **FULL **of spoilers, not just for this episode but for the entire series. If you haven’t finished all 50 episodes, please don’t read it! 

Intro: 2020 continues to be much much too much while also being incredibly boring, and Im done with Shen Wei’s Lewks, so now I’m doing a deep meta dive into the Untamed. Let’s roll! 

Prologue: The Battle of Mordor

The Demise of our Protagonist

Unlike some other shows I won’t name, The Untamed kills its suicidal queer protagonist immediately, rather than waiting four seasons, so we know what we're in for. 

This is Wei Wuxian, who is about to yeet himself off of a cliff. He is having a bad day. 

Note: if mouth blood bothers you...C-Drama might not be your thing. 

Reasons for mouth blood: a sampler

Anyway...cliff time

Note: if (fictional) suicide bothers you...C-Drama might not be your thing. 

To be fair there are hardly any suicides in The Untamed. No more than ...five? As long as you don’t count the entire population of the Wen Corporate Headquarters in Yiling or those wall bandits in Qinghe or Madame Yu or all those Wens who supposedly threw themselves into the mud puddle or that Mo guy who broke his own neck. Plus watching Wei Wuxian’s cliff drop several more times from multiple angles. So, you know. Hardly Any Suicides. 

This is Lan Wangji, who is about to have his first losing encounter with physics. He is having a bad day.

In fact, if it is possible to have a worse day than the guy who is currently falling to his death, Lan Wangji is having that.

This is Jiang Cheng, who is feeling extra stabby from this camera angle. He is having a bad day.

Camera operator: why you gotta take it out on me? 

(Much, much more after the cut!)

The Amulet Situation

This is the Stygian Tiger Amulet. Yes, by all means, (Netflix) subtitles, let's use a 12-dollar word, “Stygian,” that every English speaker who is not a Shelley/Byron shipper will have to look up. Let’s not use a normal word like "deathly" or "corrupt" or you know... "Yin" which is clearly what they are saying on screen.

Why does this tiger amulet look like a chameleon crossed with a remora? Wei Wuxian can paint photorealistic bunnies on a flimsy lantern while sitting in a field having distracting teenage lust, but two months of meditating with super magic gets him a tiger that looks like a chameleon. And don’t try telling me this is a traditional-Chinese-art vibe because this jade tiger from frickin 1000 BCE is way more tigerish than Wei Wuxian’s attempt. 

Try harder next time, Wei Wuxian.

This is thousands of cultivators having a battle.  What do you mean, it looks like about 40-60 dudes?

 Any time someone in The Untamed refers to a number of people, it is like when you do your high school play and look off into the wings at nothing and say “Hark, A Ship Approaches!” and everyone’s parents nod indulgently.

Jin Clan Mountain Hunt:

*viewership nods indulgently*

This is Captain Blowhard, over on the right, courtesy name Clan Leader Yao. His job is to talk smack about Wei Wuxian and stick up for whoever is the biggest asshole in any given scene.  

He represents mainstream cultivation-world values so here he is shanking one of his allies to take the deadly amulet of evilness.

The Present Day

Spilling All That Yiling Laozu Tea

Down at the Exposition Tea Shop, the Lan juniors are chilling and listening to Tea Dude tell the story of Yiling Laozu. 

How did they get permission to take this field trip? “Principal Qiran, we want to go downtown to hang out with the local rabble and learn about your favorite person, Wei Wuxian.”

Waiting in the wings is the man with a fan and a plan, Nie Huaisan(g), who is paying tall loot to get these stories told.  

...Why? Is Mo Xuanyu having tea here and listening? Or is Wei Wuxian being summoned back by hearing all this smack being talked about him? *Shrug.*

Gank Your Soul

Drunk flag guy out here talking about spirits. Wikipedia tells me that In one school of Daoist thought, a human being has a collection of physical souls (魄 pò) and ethereal souls (魂 hún). Drunk flag guy is saying “hún ” at the moment. 

The many types of souls don’t translate well into English, where spiritual vocabulary has always been shackled connected to Christian beliefs, and is too limited for this context. So when the subtitles have conversations like “Is it a soul eater? No, no, it’s a spirit taker!” just roll with it. (Speaking of hún, if you have any interest in linguistics, do yourself a favor and go read all the wonderful meta @hunxi-guilai​)

The spirit-carrying flag looks a lot like Raava and Vaatu from Korra which...probably doesn’t mean anything.

The Demise of our Trill Host

Suicide #2 happens about 8 minutes in. 

Mo Xuanyu is that hippie roommate with the annoying wind chimes and bead curtains and blood spatter.

He is super mad at his terrible family and also at Jin Guangyao, who sent him home to his terrible family. I wonder if Fan Man Nie Huaisang influenced Jiggy’s decision-making there. Mo Xuanyu’s choice to die for revenge might be excessive, given how easy it actually is to murder the Mo family.

Being Alive Is Fine I Guess As Long As I Get To Fuck WIth People

Wei Wuxian starts his new life by splashing a little water on his face, which instantly makes his hair go from this

to this. 

He looks at his reflection and wishes he was dead, which--mood--but he gets over it as soon as he finds someone whose day he can fuck up.

And he is ALL in on being crazy. 

OP wishes she had the Wei Wuxian kind of crazy instead of the kind she actually has. 

Meanwhile, this is the sane Mo cousin:

This asshole is wearing one of the best fabrics in the whole show, incidentally. Asshole.

My favorite bit of Wei-Mo craziness is when Wei Wuxian does a meaningless 360 all the way around this dude before ducking in the opposite direction, which is like when I make 4 right turns around a whole block to avoid making a single left across traffic.

Perhaps I Do Miss One Thing In This Life

Wei Wuxian has pining thoughts about Lan Wangji, so he plays WangXian on a fucking blade of grass well enough for Sizhui to recognize it from his dad's guqin jams. 

Wei Wuxian is a better flautist than even Inspector Gadget BeatBoxing Flute Guy (Google it).

Our Many Many Spirit Lure Flags have Lured A Spirit, Oh Shit

Lan Clan has a Plan and Wei Wuxian is a Fan

Having one single lure flag stuck in Wen Ning’s torso caused spirits to basically eat him alive, so to catch one evil spirit, 6 disciples holding flags on the roof plus 8 more flags on the ground seems like a good amount. Wei Wuxian is like “yep, a single one of these will lure every spirit for five miles, carry on, younglings.”

Baxia Does the Heavy Lifting

Wei Wuxian is supposed to kill four people because of this curse situation, and in the course of the series they all die, and he kills exactly zero of them. The curse on Wei Wuxian’s arm should be called the scorekeeper curse. 

Baxia’s spirit pinballs around the Mo clan, rapidly killing three people on Mo Xuanyu’s list plus a couple extras for good measure.  Who's a good blade? Baxia is! Yess you are! Yes you are!

This here is the exact point in the show where your friend, who has listened to you squee about The Untamed for three months and finally agreed to watch it with you, will say “what the fuck am I watching?” and try to get up off the couch. Tackle them! 

This also the point where we all realize that the prosthetic and practical effects in this show were probably not made by the people who made the clothing, because the quality is...variable. The white eyeballs are pretty good, but the glove of death is ridiculous.

Camera operator: why you gotta take it out on me?

While Baxia goes to town on the Mo clan, the Lan Clan babies...watch? And tie up the various victims after they are already goners. 

Narrator: Her son is dead.

Meanwhile, 

Wei Wuxian, you motherfucker. You’ve been alive for like 7 hours and you’re already building a new zombie army. No wonder you don’t want them to call Lan Wangji.

Hanguang-Jun Cut It Up One Time

Lan Wangji shows up and very slowly kicks zombie ass with his guqin. If you are used to Hong Kong action speeds, you will find The Untamed very peaceful.

 All of the baby Lans fan squee up at Lan Wangji like he's the cultivation world's David Bowie and...they're not wrong. Jesus Fuck, he’s charismatic.

Lan Wangji is soft boi when he discovers this murderous sword full of dead-bastard energy, because it reminds him of his true love.

Like the talk about souls, the conversations about the nature of the murderous entity really don’t survive translation into English.

Servant: it’s a ghost! 

WWX: it’s not a ghost, it’s a spirit

Babies: It’s a spirit

LWJ: it’s not a spirit, it’s a [...] ghost

Our Protagonist gets the FOH

Wei Wuxian is soft boi when he sees Lan Wangji, but not so soft that he considers actually, like, sticking around. 

Wei Wuxian is also clueless boi, noting Lan Wangji’s white clothing and thinking, as in the past, that he looks like he’s dressed in mourning. The term he uses is 戴孝, which google tells me means the type of outfit worn by Jiang Yanli after Wen Ning rips her husband’s heart out someone who is in mourning. 

Actually, Wei Wuxian, you dumbass, he is in actual mourning, actually, for you. Dumbass. He probably packed away all of his blue outer robes 16 years ago and only takes them out occasionally to reminisce about that nice date you had on your mountain of corpses. 

On his way out the door Wei Wuxian manages to find a red ribbon for his beautiful hair, so things are looking up. 

Where to go next...hey I know, how about that one haunted mountain with the killer statue, you know, the one that all my executed friends and child came from? That’ll be fun and a great way to put the past behind me!

Episode 02 Restless Rewatch is here!

[odd-kid-42]

5, 10, and 15 :V

Thank you for the ask!

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true? If I ever completely outline a story, I won’t write it. Maybe it is because I feel like I’ve already written it by that point and maybe because I will become overwhelmed at the details of it all. I have an unposted, very long ASOUE/WtNV crossover fic that I lost all motivation in as soon as I started trying to keep track of ten characters each hour of the story’s day. Maybe outlining too much/getting bogged down in details is more the problem lol

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you? For whatever reason around 2014-ish, it felt like each fandom I read in had a highly kudo’ed fic where the main character died slowly and painfully of cancer. I have no idea if that was just a wider trend or what, but the work that haunts me specifically had one character mercy-kill the other and all the build up that led up to it. It landed far past sadness into repulsion and left a weird taste in my mouth about manufacturing tragedies in stories that don’t have one and then giving no comfort for the hurt. My old writing on FF.net reads like a sixteen year old wrote it, which one did, so it doesn’t haunt me.

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends? I don’t judge people who write in their own books. The logical part of me knows there are so many copies of books, and destroying a commonly found book isn’t huge. That said, I loathed English classes where we had to annotate our copies of fiction books for tropes/metaphors/context clues/etc. Loathed. I tried sticky notes on each page. I tried writing in pencil to erase later. I had a teacher directly ask what my deal was with it. I just hated it because all those little details that added up, I could mentally keep track of better than defacing the inside cover of a book by listing the pages when this metaphor appears or having a note on 'this is symbolism!'. If I was terrible at literature analysis, that would be one thing, but my timed essays were always very good while my annotations read like someone who hated writing inside a book and planned to erase it later. Because I am thinking about high school English class again: I genuinely remember my senior timed essay where we had a list of the five books we had read that semester and ninety minutes to write one essay from possible questions listed. I saw the question “Describe how beauty is used in two of the books from this semester.” I fumbled for about ten minutes trying to outline and list what I would do before giving up and zoning out to write an essay on how Nick is in love with Gatsby in The Great Gatsby based on all the symbolism in light and true names and isolation when they are alone with the presumptions dropped away. Then swiveled to Toni Morrison’s Song of Solomon to talk about how Pilate (MC’s aunt who lives in an old house and makes liquor for money) is beautiful to Milkman, the main character. I cannot recall all the metaphors and symbols that I used, but the emphasis was on how, like Nick with Gatsby, he truly saw her and saw her as beautiful, and seeing her allowed him to love himself and others in turn enough to be freed from the nickname assigned to him and his family history, hitting all the similarities between the two books about the main characters just seeing someone with love and become changed for the better. And I left the class certain I got a B- because I abandoned following an outline. I made an A instead and the teacher couldn’t understand why I was surprised after getting Bs in annotations throughout the year. Anyway, hate writing in my books but only my books because I want them in a home library one day.

Thank you again for the ask! I look forward to reading your reply for mine :)

[lucemferto]

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT TECHNOBLADE (or A Narrative Analysis of the Dream SMP Doomsday Event) - Script

Heyo! Per request I am posting the script to my video of the same name here on tumblr. I must warn you that just reading the script will probably not give you the full experience, so I would encourage you to watch the video (linked above).

There might also still be a lot of grammatical errors in the text, because I don’t proofread.

Okay, so! I don’t want this to turn into a reaction channel OR a Dream SMP channel for that matter! I am planning on doing a big dumb, way too long analysis video on the Dream SMP which will – at my current pace – come out in five years. I am already way too late on this one.

Spoiler Alert for the Doomsday Event that took place on the 6th of January in the Dream SMP. Surely the worst thing to take place on the 6th of January 2021 … I’m sorry, what’s this about the Capitol?

In case you don’t watch the SMP and need context: The Dream SMP is a Minecraft Multiplayer Server, that, throughout the last year, has transformed from a normal Let’s Play to an ongoing new-media series streamed by multiple high-profile streamers such as Dream, TommyInnit or Technoblade. It comes complete with script – by which I mean loose bullet points – and story events. It has attracted a large fanbase specifically invested in the story and less so in the actual gameplay content. Like I said before, I will probably do a big video on the Dream SMP at some point in the future.

The storyline is long and complicated and trying to explain it all would take up the majority of the video and there are other channels who have already done a much better job than I could ever hope to do, so give them a watch. I’ll try to summarize all that is pertinent to what I will talk about in this video.

Okay, let’s speedrun this summary. Cue the music!

Major Players here are TommyInnit, a founder of the independent nation of L’Manburg, Technoblade, an anarchist who was deep in conflict with L’Manburg, Tubbo, Tommy’s best friend and current president of L’Manburg, and Dream, the ruler of the Kingdom of the Dream SMP (even though he is not the king, but we’re not going to get into that right now). Tommy had in the past been exiled by Tubbo for endangering L’Manburg’s shaky peace with the Dream SMP. Tommy had then teamed up with Technoblade, who was hellbent on destroying L’Manberg after some prior altercations – more on that later.

Tommy and Tubbo came into conflict during a festival set-up to celebrate the friendship between L’Manburg and the Dream SMP. After punching out their feelings, Tommy came to the realization that his friendship with Tubbo was more important than his vendetta against Dream and those who exiled him. Techno took that change of heart badly and teamed up with Dream to destroy L’Manburg … and that’s exactly what happened.

Techno and Dream, with little to no opposition, obliterated L’Manburg with no hope for recovery leaving its inhabitants stranded hopeless and alone.

… And that’s what you missed on Dream SMP!

Okay. So, usually I just put whatever thought slime drips out of my mouth hole into your subscription box. But then I asked myself: “Am I not taking this a largely improvised nonsense story from a bunch of 16–24-year-olds a little too seriously?”. And then I remembered. I’m a pretentious bitch. I made an 18-minute video explaining why the popular commentary YouTuber memeulous is secretly the time travelling Anti-Christ, REASON HAS NO SWAY OVER ME!

So, like the English Major drop-out that I am, I will present you with two theses, which I will then combine into one … supratheses! That word doesn’t exist, I just coined it, it’s mine! I am very smart!

[I know words, I have the best words!]

 Thesis #1: The Fandom focuses too much on Character Analysis in Favour of Narrative Analysis

The Dream SMP is truly something special. It is uniquely singular in how it tells a story of this scope through its chosen medium. While there is an overarching script that lays out the plot points of the future, each of the 30+ streamers on the SMP are their own cameraman, director, writer and actor. You cannot watch “the Dream SMP” – if you attempted that, you would be 80 by the time you caught up to the Doomsday Event. You have to choose whom to watch. You have to choose your focal point character.

Because by the way the story is told and consumed – aka in such a compartmentalized fashion; you watch one streamer and get one character’s perspective – it has sort-of unintentionally conditioned fans to look at the SMP and its characters less as one coherent story with messages and themes and more as sports teams they can root for. You’re Team Techno or Team Tubbo or Team Tommy or Team JackManifoldTV (formerly known as Thunder1408) and every other side is in the wrong! It’s like Twilight for a decade old children’s game about virtual Lego!

Okay, I’m exaggerating, but the amount of discourse perpetuated by and revolving around so-called “apologists” – a terrible term that unfortunately has caught on – is really not something that I think is good for how we interact with the story of the Dream SMP.

The Dream SMP is discussed a lot on character-based level, which is, like I said before, hugely advantaged by the way the story is consumed by its audience. With traditional, visual media such as film for example, the audience can be made more aware of what messages the narrative might try to communicate on a narrative level without the need for an explicit narrator to tell you the moral.

As an example, in a movie you could have a smash-cut from the Butcher Army’s discussions about neutralizing the danger Technoblade poses to Techno being nice around villagers or taking care of animals. This would communicate on an extradiegetic level, that the Butcher Army is in the wrong with their assumptions. Alternatively, you could contrast Techno’s declarations that power corrupts and that Tubbo’s administration is cruel with Tubbo choosing not to punish Ranboo for his association with Techno – thus the narrative would communicate that Techno’s view of Tubbo and by extension the government is one-sided and not true to reality.

Stuff like that helps the viewer understanding a story holistically and manages to communicate stuff like themes and morals without having to solely rely on in-character logic and argumentation, which, as Ghostbur put it so eloquently, is comprised of a bunch of unreliable narrators.

Character analysis is great if we want dive deep, if we really want to give a character flavour and understand their motivations. It helps make the universe feel like it is alive, like it’s real. But – and this might be a shocker for you – it’s not real. It’s written. It is construction – and as such, in its construction, it has messages and themes and morals, intentionally or unintentionally.

By being so focused on specific characters and their individual journeys, viewpoints and motivation we really run the risk of not looking at the bigger picture and fail to see what the overarching narrative is actually communicating. And we may also fail to understand how characters might or might not fit into the overarching narrative.

Speaking of which …

 Thesis #2: Technoblade experiences very little Meaningfultm Thematic Conflict

Okay, let’s talk about Technoblade. I’m sure I’m not going to get any hate for this one.

I want to preface by saying that I don’t watch Technoblade’s streams; I catch up though clip channels and summaries. I’m mainly watching Tommy, Tubbo and Quackity – which is honestly already more than I can handle – but I want to be clear that while I’ll try to be as even-handed as possible – like I explained previously – the way I consumed the storylines will undoubtedly leave me with some bias.

Also, needless to say, I’m talking about the character Technoblade, not the actual content creator, unless I specifically say so. That should be obvious.

Now, I���m not doing a Technoblade character analysis, because that would be hypocritical of me – seeing how I just bitched about the overwhelming amounts of character analyses in the fandom – but I’ll try my best to summarize what is necessary.

Technoblade’s interesting in that he is a very static character – at least inwardly – he doesn’t change much. He is very steadfast in his beliefs and ideals and has very little introspection. He doesn’t question himself; he doesn’t waver, he is never in a bind about whether what he’s doing is right or wrong. He is very much a parallel to early TommyInnit – who, of course, famously said “I’m always in the right”.

And I want to emphasize that I mean this in no way as a critique of Techno’s character. A static character provides a nice contrast to more dynamic characters and can balance them out. It can also be utilised by the writing as a character flaw – which is what I hope content creator Techno is going for.

Like Techno doesn’t have a lot of empathy in the sense that he is particularly skilled at or interested in trying to see the viewpoints of others. There is never an attempt to reconcile, for example, the goal of the Pogtopians to reclaim L’Manberg and install another administration with his desire for an anarchist society. This is also compounded with his overreliance on violence as the only tactic for conflict resolution – Techno has a whole thesis statement about violence being the only universal language. I’m sure you’ve heard the quote.

And lastly, what really drives this all over the edge, is his all-or-nothing approach when dealing with the enemy – he is not so much eye for an eye as he is – to use another biblical example – you make fun of me for being bald and I’ll sic two bears on you that maul and kill you and 41 other children.

There’s also the open and completely unacknowledged hypocrisy of a self-described anarchist working together with a man that installs and dethrones Kings with his every whim – someone who – and I cannot stress this enough – hits about every box when it comes to the definition of tyrant.

So, what I’m saying is that Technoblade is the Dream SMP equivalent of Dick Chenney. C’mon you know it’s true! He will bomb that freedom into your country whether you want him to or not. That’s some cogent political commentary in the year 2021.

Okay, so now that I’ve outlined his character, what kind of conflicts does Technoblade face. Well, it’s mostly physical or external. He fights a lot whether it’s against Quackity or Sapnap or bodying Karl Jacobs five times in a row. And – with the exception of maybe Sapnap – none of it is challenging. Technoblade is the best PvP-Player on the server – there really isn’t much tension to be had from a purely physical fight.

So, how are these fights supplemented emotionally. Well, internally there is not a lot going on. As I said before, Technoblade isn’t really an introspective character. Even during his shouting match with Tommy there’s not a sense that Technoblade is wavering or unsure of himself in the way that Tommy is. He exposits that one of the reasons, he acts like he does is that he feels dehumanized; that people only use him like a weapon and then discard or even try to neutralize him once he’s no longer useful.

But that is not something that Technoblade has to grapple with – it’s not conflict for him, it’s more conflict for Tommy. Technoblade is self-assured in that he’s a person and not a weapon – it’s almost like there was a character arc there, where Technoblade self-actualizes and breaks away from the people that want to use him. But we didn’t see any of it. Technoblade unleashes the withers; then he goes into retirement because he wants to be, I suppose, and then he returns to violence as a reaction to the Butcher Army. There is a story of vengeance here, but not any conflict about being used. There is never a point where we see Technoblade come to this realization or comes to assert himself.

In season 1 there’s never a push from Pogtopia where the narrative frames them as exploiting Technoblade. He fights with them of his own volition, he gives them weapons and armour of his own volition. Nobody pressured Techno into procuring their inventory for the fight. And in Season 2, he’s the one to approach Tommy about their potential partnership – he is in the position of power here, explicitly not Tommy.

Like, I’m sorry, if this ruffles some feathers, but I really don’t see this arc where Technoblade is being used. There’s a story of misunderstanding and maybe co-dependency – but not of dehumanization. This entire line of thought seems to solely reference that moment, where Tommy says to Sapnap “I have the blade” during one of their wars – which, to base an entire emotional arc around that without any further set-up, is, and I’m sorry to say that, incredibly flimsy.

Okay, so we covered physical and emotional conflict? But what about conflict on the narrative level? Well, that leads me to my suprathesis …

 Suprathesis: The Narrative is Unclear on how it treats Technoblade … and that’s Not Good.

Here’s a Hot Take: The narrative of Season 1 treats Technoblade way less sympathetically than that of season 2.

Let me explain. The narrative of Season 1 revolves mostly around Wilbur and Tommy. The emotional fulcrum of the overall narrative is Wilbur’s rise and fall from Grace – and Tommy succeeding him as symbol of L’Manberg’s “special”-ness. Now I will talk about all that more in detail, when I talk about Season 1 of the Dream SMP. So, you’ll just have to go with me on this one for now.

Technoblade, by contrast, doesn’t really have much going on thematically in Season 1. He mostly exists as a sort-of utilitarian character – he is an accessory to make story beats happen. Like him executing Tubbo doesn’t open up any sort of thematic conflict involving him – on a character level it sets up antipathy between him and Tommy and it grants us some insight into how he operates with his violence speech – but on a larger-scale narrative level it really just shows how far Wilbur and Tommy have drifted apart in how they react to the event.

His biggest contribution is during the Season 1 finale, but even there he plays second fiddle to Wilbur. Not just because Wilbur does way more destruction with his explosion than Techno does with his Withers, but also because Wilbur had an emotional and thematic climax to his arc and by extension the entire storyline. Like Techno’s is a cool moment and very epic visual but in terms of thematic relevance, his Theseus-speech is really more set-up for Season 2.

And Season 1 is very unambiguous about L’Manberg being good and Tommy’s ideals ultimately being morally justified – I mean, they have a whole speech about it in the end and it was built-up throughout the entire Season – Techno is cast in a … less than sympathetic light. He is, if not a villain, then definitely an antagonist.

But with Season 2 the narrative is either uninterested in or not very clear on exploring Technoblade’s flaws.

Like ask yourselves: is Technoblade’s character ever consciously challenged by the narrative? Are his actions ultimately shown to not be in the right? Are his beliefs about government and power ever called into question? Are the negative consequences that his actions cause ever shown to be larger than the “good” he does?

I think what exemplifies this the most is how the Butcher Army event played out on December 16th. Now, during that event, the Butcher Army, which was comprised of Tubbo, Quackity, Fundy and Ranboo, managed to apprehend Technoblade, who at that point was living the quiet retirement life, and tried to have him publicly executed – without trial.

Now, smarter people than me have pointed out that the Butcher Army had a bevy of in-character reasons that can justify or explain their actions. And that’s definitely interesting, but as I said before, I want to get away from that and look into how the Butcher Army is treated on a narrative level. Because this is one of the few instances where the otherwise grey-loving Season 2 has some very clear narrative intent when it comes to morality.

The Butcher Army is very deliberately framed as almost cartoonishly corrupt and violent. They very forcefully investigate Philza, mock him and then put him under house arrest – and there’s just no remorse in the script even from normally sympathetic characters like Tubbo.

Compare and contrast with the Tommy-exile scene, which is also an act of moral ambiguity and is treated as such. And things get even worse once the Army arrives at Technoblade’s abode and attack him after he softly tells them that he has left that live behind him. They then proceed to take his horse hostage, mock him and execute him without fair trial – and I haven’t seen it but from live commentary I gathered that Techno really played up the whole softie-schtick before the Butcher Army arrived. I mean, before the big Technoblade vs Quackity fight, Quackity had whole villain monologue for Christ’s sake.

And even afterwards, the Butcher Army really plays up the corrupt angle with Tubbo proposing a festival as a guise to publicly execute someone. And again, I know that on an intradiegetic there’s nuances and it’s not really comparable to the Red Festival, but in combination with what the audience has seen up until that point and with how much it feeds into the already established themes of history repeating itself and becoming like your predecessors, it really does not paint a pretty picture of the Tubbo administration.

You can feel the heavy hand of the script on your shoulder, which is a feat seeing how – as discussed before – that’s not something that can be easily accomplished in this medium.

And that is what I mean when I say that Technoblade is not really challenged by the script and is in this case even emboldened by it. Because after this whole ordeal the thought of Technoblade taking revenge by destroying L’Manberg doesn’t seem like such an extreme response to the viewer – even though in my opinion, it is.

As of right now it is too early to say how the narrative will judge Technoblade’s actions in the future. Will they be framed as extreme but ultimately justified or perpetuating a cycle of ever-escalating vengeance? Will we ever see a government that’s not just at best misguided and at worst completely awful?

Ultimately, I believe and hope that Technoblade will be challenged by the narrative, mostly because a character that cannot, believably, be physically challenged, who doesn’t have any meaningful internal conflict about what he’s doing; and who does come out on the other side having everything he always believed in be proven completely in the right by the narrative, would be incredibly boring. Not just to watch but also to play as.

As it stands now, if the destruction Techno, Phil and Dream inflicted upon L’Manburg is framed as ultimately in the right, I would find it personally a distasteful message to send. I would ultimately say that the “correct” way to counter corruption in government is to completely obliterate the entire country. Like we’re not talking simply disbanding the government – that’s not what Doomsday was – we’re talking complete and utter annihilation. And that would be cynical and depressing. Like, call me a big softie, but even bothsidesing this argument would be bad.

Like, I’m not calling for Technoblade to be transformed into or treated a monster like Dream. But I personally feel like the narrative needs to acknowledge that the Doomsday was something that was taken way too far and that it ultimately brought more harm than good. And Technoblade needs to held accountable by someone who is not a cartoonishly corrupt government-official or who is in conflict with him anyway, like Tommy.

I thought Philza or Ranboo could do that but seeing how their storylines are progressing I don’t believe that will be the case. But who knows, maybe Captain Puffy will come through for us. We stan a Queen.

 Conclusion

So, yeah, I made this entire video just to air out my grievances with how one-sided the mode of analysis is in the fandom, because no person actually involved with the production of Dream SMP will ever see this.

But after everything I am cautiously optimistic, that content creator Technoblade knows what he’s doing. He has talked in the past about how his character is a bad guy and he loves his Greek myths. After all what’s more Greek myth than hybris being rewarded with punishment? [Technoblade never dies] That bodes well for him.

Also, this isn’t the video I promised at the end of the last one!

[beclynn-herondale]

hi!

hope you are well ❤ and i hope it's fine if i talk about robert adopting jace!

since this is totally related to robert's homophobic behaviour i'll have to mention it, take this as a trigger/content warning to anyone who may need it! (you probably know a lot about it already but i guess many people don't actually understand robert's side, and not sure if i even need to say it, but everything next is canon or based in canon information, i'm not making up anything) so here's my analysis:

so first i'll mention the basics: robert adopted jace (as jonathan wayland, michael's child) because of what he did to michael in the past. what exactly does that mean? he was trying to compensate what he did to michael. and how this compensation works? helping michael after his death?

something kinda obvious i guess is that robert felt miserable most of the time, for multiple reasons combined. one of them being his intense self-loathing/none self-steem, also caused for multiple reasons. for most of his life robert was ashamed for.. existing, basically, i mean he really was extremely ashamed of himself in general. another reason, more specifical, was michael. i won't explain the effects of a dead parabatai to a shadowhunter, but in was mentioned in later books how the life-death separation of robert and michael devastaded both of them, and that's just the parabatai part. along with their other complications, it was all very harmful, and robert is shown getting triggered under mention of michael.

now there's something one needs to understand so they can understand 1) robert's self-loathing over michael and 2) robert hoped adopting michael's son would "redeem"/"forgive" him?

see, on robert's opinion, homophobia is unforgivable. really.

nobody ever lectured or told him this. that's his actual opinion on homophobia. and that was his opinion on the matter years before alec was born or any shadowhunter close to robert cared about it. when robert was a 80's teenager, he thought it was unforgivable, and he kept thinking that through the years. this is important 'cause it's a impression of mine that a lot of people think robert was actually anti gay people and then changed his beliefs for alec's sake, and this is absolutely incorrect. robert knew that discriminating people for their sexuality was wrong — and he hated himself for doing it to michael (and afterwards to alec, but then it was mostly a misunderstanding)

said that, we know michael was something like a ugly open wound in robert. because, as i mentioned, they missed each other, and robert had to cope with the fact that he was horrible to michael and he knew what he did was horrible, and he just had to live thinking of himself as trash. michael was a extremely sensive topic and thinking about him hurt too much. that's how alec and isabelle ended up taking many years to find out robert had a parabatai, because robert never even mentioned michael. they only found out who michael was because of jace's adoption.

now i'm getting close to the point. robert didn't want anything to ever remind him of michael, because it hurt too much (that was the main reason he didn't react well to alec's relationship with magnus!!!!! his children took a decade to find out michael even existed!!!!). and that's why i can't agree with the idea that robert only adopted jace to feel better with himself.

obviously valentine can't really be trusted as a source of information, but he was probably who best knew robert after michael, and his entire plan relied on robert taking jace in for michael. now, according to him, he knew robert would do that for michael. and how could him be so sure? robert had to actually fight maryse to adopt jace, and valentine trusted he would do it over michael. valentine thought very low of robert, so that's really something.

if robert only wanted to feel better about himself, adopting jace wouldn't make any sense to him, first because, well, robert's self-loathing is deeper than that (and he would know it better than anyone), but i know people in pain don't always act logical and robert is a great example of this so, second, as i showed, michael is a big emotional trigger to robert and he gets very upset about. we don't know how much and how often robert and maryse got agressive with each other, but their fights about adopting michael's child envolved a lot of shouting, and this is not the only context we see robert getting upset over michael.

(as if this wasn't evidence enough, in the wicked ones we are directly informed that all of robert agressive and permanently triggered and dangerous vibes are nothing more than hurt over michael. that's really something)

if thinking of michael was so triggering to robert at the point he hurts people - and people he love (maryse, alec) over it, how adopting michael's son and taking care of him with his presence as a permanent reminder of michael (and that michael was gone) would make robert feel better with himself? and, even more: he wouldn't expect jace to look like michael, as he did expect. if he was thinking mostly about himself, he would be satisfied finding out jace's looks don't remind him of michael, but instead he was awkward and got worried about how jace was feeling.

so what was this about? robert says he was trying to compensate for what he did, as according to cassie, "awkwardly and painfully trying to convey that he loved michael." and yeah, doing something good to michael would make robert feel better, because he loved michael and doing good things to michael makes sense to him. robert never expected what he did to michael to be forgiven, but he did want to demonstrate that he loved michael and that he could be better than that - better than what he had done - for the people he loved.

that was a ride, sorry any mistakes (not native english speaker) and i hope you like these observations, since i understood you liked my last robert analysis

xoxo, thank you for your attention 💓

Hello again, flower

I'm hanging in there 😎

Sorry it took me a bit to answer

I actually got a new perspective on Robert from this. And I love the way you explained this. I don't have too much to add, but a little.

I do agree that he wasn't as homophobic as some might think. He was afraid of what other people would think, and in which case, did end up kind of being that way.

I think if Robert hadn't been so afraid of what people would have said, (I do think the trauma he had with the rune played part in this. As he didn't want to have something else people felt he should be ashamed of), I think he would have actually accepted Michael. It was a very complicated situation and it was cringe a little to, but there's so much to unpack there. And I do believe there's always at least two sides to a story. We know he was a little homophobic with Alec, but he acknowledged it and started changing his ways, which is all you can ask for in this case. I appreciate him trying to change and be better, as I am a sucker for redemption and growth and change. Sometimes change is all that can be done. It won't erase the hurt that was caused but it does mean there won't be anymore hurt done, and I think that's what matters.

Also, the stuff with Jace I very much agree with. but I think it also left Jace feeling like the only reason they took him in was because they thought he was Michael's son, we know that isn't actually true and they love Jace for Jace. I think itleft Jace struggling a little bit though. But in TDA it kinda seemed like him and Robert had somewhat of an improved relationship, as Jace said that Robert had mellowed out a lot since he had become a grandfather, and he wasn't so bad. I do think Robert was fond of his children he just didn't express it openly with them. We do however see him doing it with his grandchildren, everytime he called Max, his M & M, I thought it was precious.

And I fully believe he apologized to Michael in the afterlife and they are hanging out, and taking care of Max. I also believe he tells the other Circle members there about TMI Gang. Mostly about his kids.

This is also a stretch but I think they Robert and Jace could have bonded over their experiences with runes. Jace didn't have the same experience as Robert, but we Valentine marked Jace early, and marking Nephilim children early gives them terrible nightmares. I think there could have been an understanding between them. But we know neither of them like to talk about their trauma. And definitely don't like to talk about their feelings lol.

Hope you are well 💛🧡

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

Not dead yet!: Marking my 2-year anniversaries

On Sunday I marked my two-year “cancerversary” of my diagnosis and on Tuesday a member of the support group I co-founded (for young women who are stage 4) died. Like me, she had triple-negative breast cancer. Like me, she was diagnosed stage 4 two years ago. Like me, she had exhausted several types of treatment (because triple-negative is a beast) and was looking for the one that would work. She asked me about Saci (Sassy!) and proposed trying it to her doctor less than a week before she died. Nine days before she passed she joined our Sunday cancer yoga group from bed at the hospital to join our meditation exercises. Like me, she remained confident and positive and absolutely refused to give up hope. (Like me, she also wore her hair purple sometimes.)

There were many things that are unlike about us too. She had two teenage children who now don’t have their mother. She was twelve years older than me and had had Hodgkin’s before she had breast cancer--even worse luck than mine, to triumph over one cancer only to get this diagnosis. Unlike me, she wasn’t strong enough for Saci, the only targeted triple-negative line of treatment, because her body had reacted badly to immunotherapy. She was in the hospital for two weeks with somewhat mysterious symptoms all of which added up to her body shutting down. On Saturday she went home with her family in hospice care. 2 days later she was gone.

It’s not usual for things to go so fast. Typically, doctors, patients, and family members all have some advance warning and patients spend a solid amount of time in hospice care. I am sure that people will ask me why it went that way for her. I’m asking myself why too, since it is so shocking and so entirely unfair. The fact that it can happen that way at all is frightening to me as a fellow patient since it’s the scenario of nightmares. That really could someday be me. No one ever wants to think that--and I cannot live my life focused on it either--but it has to be acknowledged as a possibility.

[More below the cut about memories from 2 years ago today and hopes for the future. Also, an invitation to contribute to some writing if you want.]

Today, January 28th, is the 2-year anniversary of my stage 4 diagnosis. In a way, it feels more significant than my initial cancer news. I had four days being horrified, but thinking that I would get through this as a phase in my life. It would be terrible--I’d have a double mastectomy, scorched-earth chemo, radiation, anything to get rid of the cancer--but then it would be done. On the Monday following my first set of CT scans I learned that that was not true. My lungs were full of tumors. (Later, after lots of waiting, MRIs and biopsies, I'd find that my lymph nodes, spine, and liver were affected too. I still have tumors in all those locations, but no new ones.) I wrote a description of getting that news in an email to a friend over the summer, after I had read Anne Boyer’s "The Undying”:

“The worst part about the lung tumors for me was that my dad had gotten a very early flight and I learned the news while he was in the air. My mom told me we could not text or tell him on the phone, that he would need to be with us both. So I drove to Newark straight from the doctor's office. It was in the teens outside and windy as we slogged to the baggage area where we were to meet. I saw my dad in his warmest and ugliest puffy orange down jacket, looking small in it, forlorn and horribly vulnerable. I fell into his arms, thinking at least that airports were such horrible places, so impersonal and banal, that no one would look twice. 'It's in my lungs,' I said into his shoulder so that I would not have to see his face. I was crying into the jacket that somehow smelled of winter cold even though he had been inside for hours. 'Please, Daddy. Fix it, please.' I spoke like a child because, on some very deep level, I think I really did still believe that my father could fix anything. I was embarrassed, though, and so I tried to stem my tears as he put his big hand on the back of my head and said, 'Oh sweetie, we'll get through this. We will.' I knew that really he could do nothing--and that this was his nightmare of powerlessness--and so I sniffed and blinked and I did not let myself cry again until June.”

Two years later this moment seems as if it just happened. The impact of my diagnosis on everyone dear to me, and especially my parents, is one of the worst things about it for me. We all know that there’s only so much “better” I can get, with the current science, and we’re all playing for time while the research moves forward towards something better, something that would make this a treatable chronic condition. I go back and forth, emotionally, on how likely I think that is and how good my position is for the future. Right now, comparing myself to the group member who died, I feel relatively fortunate, even as chemo exhausts me, I lose every scrap of hair that was ever on my body, and I spend half of my days being almost unable to eat from nausea and loss of taste. I feel glad that I was able to get Saci, that my body has so far stood up to the ceaseless trials I have put it through, with four treatments and surgery (and full-time work and living alone etc. etc.). I feel strong, not scared, even as I feel the emotional toll of terrible loneliness from covid isolation, winter, and carrying a sick body through my days alone.

I do not love the “fight” metaphor because so much of having an illness is completely out of your control and I never want to take myself (or anyone else) to task for “losing.” And so instead I will praise my body for enduring. I will praise myself for my enduring also, in both an emotional and physical way. I checked back in on how I was feeling as this anniversary approached last year and was pleased to see how much better I feel about it now, partly as a function of being in a treatment that is (likely) keeping me stable rather than in the midst of choosing another new one. Here is what I wrote back to my group of friends in November 2019, the run up to the one-year mark:

“I’m feeling like I can’t plan and don’t want to celebrate, like I can’t perform “fine” for the people in my life to spare them from the pain I’m causing by not doing better and feeling horrible about it. Perhaps it would help if I let them know that they didn’t need to perform “fine” for me? I understand the desire to protect me from the obligation to take care of them and appreciate it. But sometimes it can feel like I’m the only one experiencing anger or grief or pain, though I know I’m not. Feeling so isolated in my emotional response provides no catharsis for it. Compassion and sympathy function on the notion of “fellow feeling.” If you’re just out here, feeling by yourself, you can’t expect any comfort. As always, I think of the moment in the Iliad when Priam and Achilles cry together over dead Hector. Grief (and you can grieve for many things aside from a death) is something explicitly to be shared.” So I guess I’ve shared it here. I can do that. And I can do another thing, which is to tell you I love you. People don’t really say it enough and reserve it too entirely for romantic contexts. It’s weird--it’s not like we are wartime rationing love! And every time anyone says it to me it helps. It’s an affirmation that I am integral in some way to people’s lives which, in a society that so greatly valorizes marriage/partnership and children, is something I can be in doubt about.”

There are some things I like here, though, and that I would now like to reiterate and invite you, my far-flung friends, to do for my 2-year milestone. Never has the notion of “fellow feeling” in times of grief and depression hit harder or been more important than during covid. In a way, the nation (or even world) was forced into much the same position, emotionally and practically, that my cancer put me in. People are isolated, unable to perform “fine” and wondering if other people feel the same way, or even if any of us can take care of each other at all. I am here to tell you that you can. Maybe not immediately but--sooner than you think--you can. Emotional reserves may be low but reaching out to support someone else can actually replenish them. You do not have to feel alone, or to feel, alone.

And for me, for this milestone and for the cancer-related depression that I certainly do have, I’d like to invite you to help me, so that I can do the same for you. I invite you to write something about how this milestone feels for you (either about me or not), how it relates to all the other insane things going on in the world or with you (not about me at all), how you felt on the original day when I shared my stage 4 diagnosis (definitely about me)--really anything that is on your mind or in your heart.

“Oh great,” you may think, “the English PhD has asked us to do homework!”. But no! It's up to you what you do. Write in whatever form you want, however long, even anonymously. And if you do I will write you back! Not with grades or comments, but with something to connect to what you shared. It is a way to create fellow-feeling; to open up, connect, heal. With me, yes, but also as the group of extraordinary people who have gone with me so far on this hard road. It’s a very different proposition to support someone through time-limited treatment with a good outcome than it is to sign on for whatever comes next. You are all, truly, pretty extraordinary.

Anyone who wants to send a note or reflection can email me or drop a file or post in this Google drive folder. Like I said, feel free to share whatever and do it anonymously if you’d rather. You can also askbox me here (better than DMS) or submit a post to this blog. (I'm taking a chance with open DMs for now...we'll see if that needs to change.)

I am grateful for all of you every day, but especially today.

Love, Bex

p.s. The title of this post refers to the cinematic classic "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," a film my high school self and friends loved. They, along with other wonderful folks. gave me a "cancerversary" cake with "Not dead yet, motherfucker!" on it this Sunday. p.p.s. The average life expectancy for people who get this diagnosis is 18 months to 3 years. Hitting 5 years would be extraordinary. Starting Year 3 is a huge deal and I have every intention of being extraordinary. (Never been average at anything in my life...I either succeed spectacularly or fail epically!)