#content warning: mentions of disordered eating and body dysmorphia

[all-of-the-good-ones-are-taken]

Ashton Irwin | Skinny Skinny (2020)

[plutowon]

[out of your league]

pairing: sunghoon x fem!reader

genre: angst, vent, comfort post

warnings: insecurity, body dysmorphia, depression, feelings of worthlessness, wanting to disappear, very graphic depictions of eating disorders (ednos) please do not read this if you are recovering from an eating disorder, internalized fatphobia, questioning reality to a certain extent

synopsis: your perfect boyfriend couldn’t possibly think you’re even slightly attractive, could he ?

2.2k words

꒪ □ ◌⠀۰ ⠀۰ ⏜⃞☁️⠀⊹⠀ ָ࣪ ⠀• ❒

you assume everybody views you the same way.

ugly, to put it very bluntly.

you assume when people see you on the street they feel a wave of sympathy wash over them. when people meet you, they don’t meet you, they meet pity to a new extent. suddenly, they meet pity on a very very personal level.

such a shame, your face, your body as well.

you’re not even given the comfort and contentment of being average. for you, you are very much below average. not even something to settle for you are simply unwanted, another’s worse nightmare.

you assume everyone sees you like this because thats how you see you.

you feel like a pig. you can feel every inch of space you take up in the world, space you’re very much undeserving of. you can feel the fat on your thigh bounce as it absorbs the shock of your movements, you can feel it in your stomach as well. you hate the way it feels when you wear jeans. the denim squeezes against your fat and your legs are itching to burst out, as if they’re saying “you know we’re too big for this, let us out or lose the weight!”. and even when you are so sure you’re eating in a deficit, the fact that you’re eating at all means you’re not trying enough.

you’ve spent countless months crying. you’ve been stagnant for about a year. you lose and gain the same five to ten pounds. it seems to cling to you like a toxic friend, like a parasite feeding off of you, it’s making you sick. you can’t seem to lose weight, which is laughable, really. that’s the one thing you should be good at, isn’t that what an eating disorder is ? perhaps you’re not trying hard enough. perhaps you’re not sick.

and no one seems to notice your struggles. your friends haven’t even noticed. and you can tell, the way they say nothing when you eat nothing around them, when you constantly deny their offers for food because you mostly give in and eat a couple of fries anyways, despite attempting a thirty-six hour fast. you give up like you always do. even when you’re too obvious, when you mention the calories in a product, when you make a small joke about losing weight, they simply laugh it off, even telling you that losing a couple of pounds couldn’t hurt. you can’t expect them to notice you’re sick when you’re basically not. you feel lost, you feel stuck, you feel like you’re running out of time but you don’t try any harder.

at this rate, you’ll never be able to fix yourself. you’ll be stuck in this never-ending purgatory for the rest of your pathetic life as people look at you wondering how something like you could’ve crawled out of the ground and have the gall to pass yourself off as human.

your family is struggling because of your weight. because you’re eating everything in site like a raccoon trying to survive. your boyfriend is probably gonna start pulling away from you because how could he be seen with you ? i mean, you’re bigger than him and he’s one hundred and seventy-nine centimeters tall—are you not embarrassed ? you feel bad for him because he has to lug around his big girlfriend that all his skinny friends probably make fun of when you’re not around. you’re sure your friends feel bad for you—everybody does. you’re sure that they comment on your selfies to make you feel better. that they call you pretty because they know if they don’t, nobody else will. they’re just being nice. that’s the only reason you’re worth talking to,

out of pity.

how could anyone ever love you ?

how could anyone truly enjoy your company ? and your lack of eye candy isn’t even made up for in personality. you’re annoying, you’re loud, and your jokes fall flat on their face like a four year old learning to bike without training wheels for the first time. you’re nothing of value, nothing people seek out or look forward to.

this is just the way things are.

until you get your act together, you’ll simply be stuck like this. pathetic, and gross, and subhuman.

you assume eveyone sees you this way.

and when you’re with your boyfriend sunghoon, laying down in his bed while he changed his top to a simple hoodie to cuddle you in, you don’t think twice about what you say.

“sometimes i don’t understand why you’re my boyfriend. like, you’re so pretty and out of my league you could get any girl you want but you settled for me”

you laugh because it’s funny. your situation is a bit silly, is it not ? and you expect sunghoon to laugh along, tell you you’re an amazing girlfriend and you dont need to be pretty, but he looks at you in shock, almost angry. he doesn’t even know how to formulate words because he simply can’t believe the words coming out of your mouth, and what’s even more unbelievable is how calmly you’ve said them, this egregious belief of yours. it makes his blood run cold. it’s appalling how you think what you’ve said is okay, and what’s most terrifying is you expect him to agree with you.

“…what?” you ask when you realize your laughter isn’t kissing his. you don’t understand how he doesn’t find it all as humorous as you do.

“what the hell are you talking about?” he looks at you mortified. he runs up beside you on the bed and you sit up and look at him confused.

“how could you say that…?” he says, his voice barely above a whisper and his eyes are tearing up and you don’t know how, but you can sense you’ve fucked up.

“…well, i mean, everybody thinks it, so-”

“what? who told you that…nobody thinks this- who told you this? was it a friend? was it that dickhead at work? i swear i’ll fuck him up-”

“nobody had to tell me, sunghoon, it’s just common knowledge…i’m not exactly pretty”

sunghoon feels like crying.

how could you say something like this? how could you say you’re not pretty? objectively, you’re a very attractive person. you’re very very beautiful. so beautiful, sunghoon was almost convinced you were a long lost princess. he even made up a storyline where perhaps you had run away from your home somewhere in a european kingdom to get away from the hustle and bustle of the royal life that you had decided wasn’t made for you and ended up here in his.

he feels like crying so he does.

“what- i don’t-” he says it in between his tears as he tries to gather his bearings.

“is this why you don’t wanna go out for dates anymore…and why you’ve been eating less…?”

you’re shocked, to say the least. you had been avoiding been seen in public in general, but especially with your perfect boyfriend knowing people would be embarrassed for him. you didn’t think he would notice though, and you especially didn’t think he would notice you eating less.

“…what are you talking about?”

“i’m not dumb, y/n. you started eating less and all of a sudden you loss like twenty pounds in a month i noticed it last year, but jungwon told me not to say anything because that could make it worse. he told me to just watch you”

you don’t know how to feel.

a myriad of emotions falls over you, but one shows it’s face in the crowd more clearly than the others.

embarrassment.

how embarrassing this is, for your boyfriend to have noticed your eating disorder meant he also noticed you not losing any more weight. he noticed your failure before anyone else.

you want to deny him. you want to tell him he’s wrong, but the look in his eye is not one of question. he’s not looking at you for confirmation, he’s looking at you because he’s pieced everything together and he knows you know that.

you begin to cry. how dare you? inconvenience him like this. not only are you his ugly pigglet girlfriend, you’ve made your failure of an eating disorder his problem? how dare you?

“i’m sorry, i didn’t think you would notice”

sunghoon is even more shocked now. your words have stricken his core in such a bone-chilling way, worse than anything hes ever felt before.

“why the hell are you apologizing to me?”

“because it’s bothering you-”

“NO no, don’t even think like that”

he sniffles and wipes his tears before holding your hand tightly and pulling it towards himself

“you are never an inconvenience to me, okay? i love you so much. and i love you because you are you. not because you were available, and not because no one else was. i don’t love you because it’s convenient or because i have to, i love you because i want to. because my heart aches and pounds for you on it’s own. you’re my beautiful little angel—how could you ever even think i would find you anything less than gorgeous and heavensent?”

you want to believe him, you do. and you almost believe him cause his eyes are boring into yours with such a bold intensity, laced with devotion and desperation, but it doesn’t make sense.

because how could he see you like this? you’re jaw dropping heartthrob boyfriend that’s out of your league? the most average of people would never see you like this, so why would he?

“i wish you could see yourself through everyone else’s eyes, because my love, you are amazing”

what is he even saying? everyone’s eyes? last you checked,

“everyone would think i’m hideous”

he looks at you with aching pain, like you’ve taken the sharpest spear to his chest and you’re killing him, slowly and painfully.

“no baby, that’s not true. why would you say that? you’re genuinely so beautiful everyone thinks that i don’t understand why you see yourself so negatively. nobody thinks you’re ugly”

had it truly all been in your head? of course not. no, this is how it’s always been you’ve always been below average.

“you know when we first started talking, my friends laughed and said i was too much of a loser to pull someone like you” sunghoon laughs at the fond memory of his drop dead gorgeous crush smiling at him and his asshole friends punching him, telling him to lower his bar a little bit.

“if anything, you’re out of my league” you’re aggressively wiping your eyes as an excuse to not listen to these fabricated fibs he’s telling you.

“listen, we’re gonna go at your pace and i won’t push you or force anything on you, but we’re gonna start slow, okay? you’re so much more than just how much you eat or how much you don’t eat. no matter what, i’ll still be head over heels for you. you’ll always be my princess”

kissing the back of your hand and holding it to him like he’s scared you’ll wither away. scared you’ll leave him here all alone with nothing but the stardust that once danced around that pretty head of yours that just coats the floor now that you’re gone.

“you’re amazing. i know it’s not easy, and it’s so hard for you to see yourself for all that you are, but i’m here, baby. i’ll always be here”

as you sob into the sleeves of your hoodie, sunghoon pulls your hands away from your face and pulls you to fall into his arms, his warm embrace and his hipnotizing kisses.

you’re not sure if you believe him, that you really are beautiful to him and to everyone else, but you know that you want to.

and you know that you’re tired.

you’ve been chasing this perfection that doesn’t even exist for so so so long and your legs are tired. they’re aching and so is your heart. you’ve tried so hard to please yourself because you’re so certain you’re not enough for the world when you have always been more than enough. you realize that you’re wasting your life away. wasting time away just for beauty. for control. for something to hold on to when everything falls. when you’re insecure about everything, there’s always one thing that can be “fixed”.

you are running away from yourself. you’re trying so hard to be somebody different. you’ve tried everything to be happy except turn to yourself, take your hand and embrace yourself. come to terms with yourself. you’ve ran all your life but you’ve never thought to turn around and face yourself,

and you don’t know if you’re ready for that.

and sunghoon knows that. that it’s comforting to keep running. but now that the seed’s been planted in your brain and he can see the cogs turning and stopping on a cycle, he’s certain that one day, you will be able to stop running and turn around and holding yourself and welcome yourself with open arms.

but for now, sunghoon will run with his hand in yours to make sure you dont trip and fall.

“it’s okay to not be ready. we’ll take our time”

[itsjustaninchident]

Hi

Could you do a imagine where the reader struggles with body dysmorphia with Charles or Arthur. Just him being there for her and comforting her. Maybe how he finds out

Charles Leclerc x Fem!Reader

summary: negative thoughts aren't supposed to be crowding your brain when you're going on a date and Charles is here to help with that.

warning/s: body dysmorphia, anxiety, low self-esteem, mentions of bullying, just nasty hater stuff, angst but fluff in the end, reader is very insecure, slight eating disorder (?), quite bad relationship with food

author's note: I am not very much educated on this topic but I did my research so I can somehow give justice to writing this and please always remember you're beautiful being you! Others' opinion of yourself does not matter, at the end of the day your opinion of yourself will always be more important and I hope if you're going through this you'll get the peace you deserve with your body! Slow steps still progress. 🤍 Please if I wrote something wrong in this kindly call me out. Sorry if it's long overdue I wasn't in my best state these days.

It was a slow Sunday morning for you and Charles. It was one of the free days Charles was away from the chaos of Formula 1 and he couldn't contain the excitement of getting you out on a date. Even though you always try your best to be with him when he's racing in other countries, nothing will still compare to days where he gets to spend it with you and you only.

You were both laying in bed too lazy to start the morning but the both of you knew you need to be prepared because of the long day ahead. Charles prepared a whole day of itinerary for you both in the beautiful city of Florence, it's your first time to be in this city and you couldn't contain your excitement.

Charles was nuzzling his nose to your hair seemingly content of just smelling your strawberry-scented hair for the day and he can't help himself but sigh with the feeling of you just relaxing with him. "I wish we can get to spend mornings like this everyday, mon angé." He tightened his grip on your waist, your back facing him but you can feel his smile as he basked in the morning glow in your hotel room. You can't help but agree to what he said, all the fancy restaurants, the expensive things, and places you can't even pronounce cannot compare to what you both are experiencing right now.

Moments like this are better than anything expensive in the world. Your heart fluttered of imagining ahead a morning with Charles where you don't get to spend one away from him. Just the raw morning greetings, the glow of sunshine cascading both of you as you try to get up and do the most mundane things yet you wouldn't trade it for anything extraordinary or expensive in this world.

"We should get up, I thought you have a full day for us to spend?" You faced him smiling, while he renewed his embrace not wanting to let you go. He smiled at the sight of your face, "You're so beautiful, good morning love." He muttered and kissed your forehead. You blushed, he has probably told you you're beautiful countless of times already but he never fails to release the butterflies in your stomach and make you flustered. "Well, you're gorgeous too." You said to him which earned you a blush as well. He buried his face into your neck seemingly shy from the earned reaction. You can't help but chuckle you wish you can capture this moment forever.

"As much as I want spending my mornings like this, I think we're gonna be late to whatever you planned for today, Charles." You said a-matter-of-fact. You started moving from his grip which he let out a groan of protest. "Get up, love. I'm hungry." You're not. In fact, you're planning on not eating at all for today. The statement made Charles get up from bed, he looks really glorious in the morning but well you can't stay in bed all day when there's a whole new place you wanted to explore waiting for you.

"Okay, then let's get ready. I'll get us pastries before we go. Maybe you can get ready while I'm out?" He offered, you just nodded already busy with planning your outfit as he kissed your forehead before storming off.

You got in the bathroom and did all your ritual. It wasn't long when you're out of the bathroom and started trying out the outfits you picked, not decided which you will wear so you decided to try everything on. The first outfit however, ruined your mood. You put on the pants but as you look at yourself in the mirror you weren't really satisfied with how you look. It was a nightmare really, all the negative thoughts coming in your head one by one as if to knock you all over, crashing the beautiful state you woke up to a while ago. You were not pleased, you hate yourself. You hate how you look, you hate the reflection.

It didn't help that you also saw those nasty comments from "fans" on your latest instagram post. All of the comments on your body, your weight, and your overall appearance. It all took a toll on you. Suddenly all the energy the sleep gave you was drained because of everything. You feel really exhausted just thinking about going out tonight and people seeing you in what seem like a very insecure day for you. You removed the pants and got back to your pyjamas, you're not one to sulk all day when a negative thing occur to you but today is not one of those days.

It seems like everything just came down pouring on you and drowning you from everything. You decided to just lay in bed, negative thoughts clouding your mind. Why are you not as perfect as the other girls you see on instagram? Why can't you be them instead? Why are you so ugly and unfit? Why did Charles even choose to be with you?

All those thoughts were disrupted when you heard the door click open. Your boyfriend entered with a big smile on his face. Seemingly, trying to tell you a story of what went when he bought you guys food. But he stopped talking as long as he saw your state.

He put everything he's holding on to the table, immediately walking up towards you. He's so worried upon seeing you, crying, your makeup ruined, hair still damp, in your pyjamas. He's never seen you in this state before. You guys started dating for a few years now but everytime you have a mental breakdown or an episode like this you try your best to hide it from anyone, even Charles. He kneeled in front of you, started wiping your tearstained cheeks, worry ever present in his eyes, he started fixing the hair covering your forehead. "Can you please sit up for me love?" He uttered gently, he doesn't know what's happening or why you're crying but he just knows you would open up to him when you're ready so for now he's doing his best to calm you down. It hurts to see you like this, fragile and small as if his heart is being pierced through by knives and torn into pieces.

He handed you the water once your sat up straight and facing him. He waited for your sobs to calm down and when you're quite calm he hugged you so tight. So tight that you can also feel your heart tightening. Warmth spreading through you, he didn't even say anything but it made you feel a little bit better. "You wanna lay down?" He asked now facing you. You nodded, you settled down and faced sideways. You feel a little ashamed now, realizing what happened and what he saw. But Charles didn't mind you facing your back from him instead he was spooning you, his arms secured slightly on your waist not wanting to let you go. He was kissing your head as he lightly caress your arm trying to bring you comfort.

"Is everything okay?" He attempted to ask you now wanting to know what's bothering you and how he can help you.

You were hesitant to tell him, no one in your life knows you're going through this. Plus the both of you never talked about anything related to this. But something in you is telling you that you should let him know to at least let out your burden, lighten what you're feeling, and overall just to be honest with him. This is a hard topic to open to anyone, especially to your boyfriend. You don't really know how he will react with it. Will this make it worse? Erasing all the doubts, you started formulating how you will tell him.

"I don't feel good about myself, Cha. I'm so unattractive, it's like I spend numerous amounts of time to look good but in the end I don't feel a tad bit of satisfaction with myself. It's so hard to look good at least. My body's not attractive and I feel like I'm not even doing enough to look good. It's like everything is just not right with me. I'm so tired of trying to look pretty and just fall through in the end whenever I look in the mirror. I hate my reflection and I hate myself for it. I can't help it." Tears started pouring out of your eyes once again, you feel Charles' embrace tightening once more. The little kisses stopped and you could hear his slow breaths. It felt good to let that all out but those lingering negative thoughts will never leave you still.

Charles wishes he can share your pain to at least ease what you're feeling. He didn't know you were feeling this way about yourself because if you would ask him who's the most attractive person he's ever seen the answer will always be you and he would never think in a heartbeat to say your name. If it's only possible for you to borrow his eyes and see yourself from his perspective maybe you would think otherwise, maybe your bad thoughts will disappear. "I love you, mon amour. I wish you could see yourself the way I do. I wish you knew how attractive you are. You're the person I want to see first the moment I wake up and the last person I want to see before I sleep. You're beautiful, you're gorgeous and I will run out of compliments to tell you just to let you know how attractive you are. And that's just even the bonus point because you're also kind, precious, you never forget to worry for anybody, you are so smart and you're my everything. You could wear anything or none at all–" You slapped him slightly making him and you chuckle the tense atmosphere slowly disappearing.

"And you would always look good. You can wear the most expensive makeup product or not wear any makeup at all and I would always feel like you're a goddess and how am I even so lucky to get you in my life? And that's not even all that you got, I was so fascinated by you not because of your physical appearance but because of what's inside your heart. I will never get tired of telling you how pretty you are whenever you feel like you're not. The world does not deserve someone like you."

You held your breath upon hearing his words. You can't help but shed tears again, this time because of love. You don't even know if it's possible for anyone to feel this much love in their heart that it feels like it's about to burst, little did you know Charles feels the same way.

You turned around and face him. And you can't help but smile as he renewed his embrace. "I love you, Charles." You muttered earning a smile from him. "I love you more, mon amour. You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me." You buried your face into his neck as he tightened his embrace to you. "Maybe we could still have our date here, hmm? What do you think about watching your favorite movie and ordering your favorite food?" He offered, as he's slightly caressing your back. You nodded, you felt hungry after crying that much, the negative thoughts lingering at the back of your mind still but with Charles by your side you feel more at ease and ready to take slow steps to find peace with yourself.

While you guys were watching your favorite movie Charles suggested that maybe you should try and seek help from a psychiatrist. You took his word and nodded, once you're back in Monaco you will find time to get professional help. "I don't know what I would do without you." You said to him. "I think I should be the one saying that." As he kissed you while your worries slowly fades away.

[dragonsdendoodles]

Dunno if this has been mentioned, but can we talk about (in A Map of Days) Enoch teasing Horace about gaining weight when he complains about the sodium content in pizza?? 😭

So that scene is... weird. To me. Because that part specifically I don't particularly know how to feel about, but the scene itself is my favorite scene in the whole series.

Talk of whatever the fuck was going on in this bit below the cut. Trigger warnings in the tags. (This one is long. There's a TLDR at the bottom.)

This is also a pretty tricky subject, so if I say something stupid, please please please correct me.

Before anything else: a very common interpretation of this scene is that it's hinting at Horace having an eating disorder. I am not here to tell you that interpretation is invalid, because it's not. It was not my interpretation, but it makes complete sense to me. I am not the right person to talk about that interpretation because while I do experience body dysmorphia and dysphoria, I have never had an eating disorder. So I'm not gonna do that.

My personal interpretation of this scene was that Horace is a picky eater and also has body issues and/or body dysmorphia, because those are both things I can relate to. That has always been my interpretation, and after several rereads that's what makes the most sense to me personally. I could be wrong. This is entirely my own interpretation and opinion.

Completely literally, this is what the full conversation tells the reader, before it's brought around to Millard being sent out for the second half of what we want to joke about:

Claire likes pizza.

Horace does not. He picks at it, commenting on the sodium content.

Enoch jokes that Horace doesn't want to get fat and laughs at the mental image.

Horace corrects him, claiming it's more about his clothes, then insults what Enoch's wearing, comparing his clothes to flour sacks.

Enoch specifies where he got his clothes in an effort to dispute Horace's point.

Claire further specifies Enoch's clothes came from a corpse.

Enoch makes a joke about getting clothes at funeral parlors.

Horace loses his appetite at Enoch's comment.

Miss Peregrine scolds Horace for not finishing his food. Horace reluctantly complies.

Horace expresses jealousy over Millard's peculiarity, stating that he could gain as much weight as he wanted without anyone noticing.

Millard clarifies that he's actually decently skinny.

The conversation moves on to Millard's lack of clothes.

If we go over it point by point and dig a little more into it, we get a few more details, which I think are relevant for the most part, so that's what I'm gonna do.

Claire likes pizza. Not particularly important to the scene other than starting it, but a cute detail nonetheless. We love cute details about Claire.

Horace does not. He picks at it, commenting on the sodium content. Horace does not like pizza and Horace does not like olives. (Agreed on the pizza point, but I will gladly take those olives if you don't want them, Horace.) The big thing here is that "There's more sodium in this than in the whole Dead Sea" comment, which isn't a concern someone his age should be having.

Enoch jokes that Horace doesn't want to get fat and laughs at the mental image. The problem child of the scene, because that's a really mean joke to make about someone, Enoch. Thus far the sodium comment makes it debatable how affected Horace would be about it, but still, not cool, man.

Horace corrects him, claiming it's more about his clothes, then insults what Enoch's wearing, comparing his clothes to flour sacks. This is the interesting part to me, because in seemingly trying to return Enoch's rude joke, Horace somewhat confirms that Enoch hit close enough to home to get under his skin. The specific line in question is, "That I'll bloat. My clothes are tailored just so, unlike the flour sacks you wear," which brings up another thing--these books have a habit of finding ways to call Enoch fat. Occasionally it'll be through deliberately calling something about him pudgy, and more often than not it's through stereotyping (you have twelve important characters and you picked the one established fat kid to be the one constantly talking about and stealing food? Really? Olive or Horace would've worked just as well, but whatever,) but this is the only time it comes from another character's mouth. This isn't just a comment, this is deflection. Horace is hurt by Enoch's comment, so he takes the first opportunity he gets to turn it back on him. This is deliberate. (We'll touch on this and the last point again later.)

Enoch specifies where he got his clothes in an effort to dispute Horace's point. He's focusing on the "flour sack" comment, not the implications of it or anything else about what Horace just said. It's just Enoch being Enoch and responding to Horace taking his bait. It reminds me of the scene in MPHFPC where Horace and Enoch suggest gross things for dinner to tease Olive and Claire. (Which I can confirm was them, but that's a different post.)

Claire further specifies Enoch's clothes came from a corpse. Again not super relevant, but not uncommon, fun fact. During the French Revolution when someone died they would immediately start taking the clothes off of them because I mean they're dead, they don't need it anymore. Just something I think is cool.

Enoch makes a joke about getting clothes at funeral parlors. Back to my MPHFPC point, Enoch has been established to be willing to say things just to freak people out. Just because Horace did it with him does not make him immune to it.

Horace loses his appetite at Enoch's comment. Reasonable reaction. I don't want to hear about leaking corpses when I'm already being forced to eat something I don't particularly enjoy. Like pizza.

Miss Peregrine scolds Horace for not finishing his food. Horace reluctantly complies. Classic parent move. It does suggest that the previous conversation isn't very concerning to her, because if it was she'd have said something during it, and she isn't someone who would hear that about one of her kids and just not care if it was something bad. Personally this lowers my concern level a bit, but I also like Miss Peregrine a lot more than other people I've talked to about this, so take that with what you will.

Horace expresses jealousy over Millard's peculiarity, stating that he could gain as much weight as he wanted without anyone noticing. The other concerning comment Horace makes. It all but confirms he is struggling with body image issues of some kind, though we don't know how severe they are. It confirms that Horace's reply to Enoch wasn't just about his clothes, and that if Enoch didn't hit the nail on the head he came pretty close.

Millard clarifies that he's actually decently skinny. This is something we kind of already knew, it just clarifies Millard's body type a bit more. In MPHFPC when he faints Enoch says it's because he "ain't as fit as he pretends to be," so now we have a little bit of detail on that. Regardless, I don't think it particularly helped the situation, but that's unfortunately a theme for Millard in this book.

The conversation moves on to Millard's lack of clothes.

Essentially, the big things we learn from this conversation are that Horace is insecure about his body and that he will tolerate Enoch poking fun at him about it.

The whole conversation, at least Enoch and Horace's contributions to it, revolve around their insecurities or lack thereof. Horace all but confirms he has body issues, and Enoch could honestly go either way: he doesn't react at all to Horace's jab back at him, he only focuses on the insult about his clothes. Enoch could not care how his body looks at all, or he could have avoided responding because Horace's comment had the same effect that his had. We can't tell from that alone, but I'm leaning towards the first option, because in the same book Horace comments on Olive eating a lot and Enoch jokes about her gaining weight as well. (Olive doesn't respond, Olive doesn't care.) His comment to Olive is more lighthearted than this, which I don't think it would be if it were also an insecurity of his.

The reason my feelings are conflicted about this scene is the way Horace and Enoch talk during it. This is played as a joke, it's very obviously meant to be comedic banter between two characters who are known to take shots at each other for the sake of comedy. That's all well and good, but this scene also proves that Enoch touched a decently sensitive nerve here, and Horace doesn't respond particularly uncomfortably. Yes, he deflects, but it reads as if they can only have this conversation because of how comfortable they are with each other. Horace avoids situations that make him uncomfortable, so if he was hurt too badly by Enoch joking about his body issues he'd have shut the conversation down instead of biting back. Enoch is also established in nearly all of the books to care very deeply about his loopmates and their feelings--if he genuinely hurt Horace, he'd have stopped completely, as shown with Bronwyn about Victor in MPHFPC. They've also known each other for what is implied to be nearly if not the whole time the initial Cairnholm loop was open, after seventy years being as close as they are shown to be they would know each others' insecurities. Enoch's significantly more likely to test Horace's limits, but he's absolutely smart enough to know what buttons he can and cannot push: look at the fight he has with Jacob at the end of AMOD. He cuts pretty deep at the end there, but had he not known (or cared) about Jacob's issues with Abe, he'd have said a lot more than, "You're not Abe, so stop trying to be," and he'd have said it a lot sooner.

It's a conversation that flows somewhat naturally and is portrayed a lot lighter than most people would take it, and arguably lighter than it probably should be. The way it reads to me is similar to how my boyfriend and I would talk and joke about our own insecurities, which leads me to believe they can only do this because they know they both know the boundaries. No boundaries appear to have been crossed here from both of their reactions, and this scene is all but forgotten when it's over. If anything this solidifies to me that the narrative wants us to interpret them as very close if not best friends, because a conversation like this wouldn't have happened otherwise. Horace doesn't let random people bully him. He threatened to bite someone, remember. He threatened to hit Jacob once too.

Personally, their exchange is far from a normal conversation, but I think that's the point. Narratively speaking, Enoch and Horace's friendship is fucking weird--you tell me why the nervous yet arrogant neat freak spends most of his time with the jerkwad who probably doesn't shower unless he's forced to and frequently bullies him. Their entire dynamic revolves around lovingly picking on your best friend. The whole point of this conversation is to strengthen that idea in the reader's mind, that they're close enough to be able to take these shots at each other without worrying they're going to hurt the other. Yes, Horace is implied to have gotten hurt, but at most it's only slightly. He doesn't react too much to it other than making a couple of concerning comments about his own image, which are pretty much immediately moved on from because at the end of the day it's really not all that important.

TLDR: It's a weird conversation about a touchy subject that is promptly forgotten about afterwards, which implies neither Horace nor Enoch think it's too big of a deal. Ultimately, it doesn't matter to anything other than giving us insight into Horace's character and Enoch and Horace's weird-ass friendship. It's not a comfortable conversation for anyone except them, and I'm pretty sure that's the whole point. The whole scene overall is still my favorite in the series, because I think it sets up what AMOD's going to be pretty nicely and my juvenile sense of humor means Enoch's singular allotted dick joke was a lot funnier than it probably should've been to me. (Sorry, Millard.)

[tojisbbg]

𝙧𝙤𝙨𝙚𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙮

❝stay with me, as we cross the empty skies.❞

♡ eren jaeger ♡

sypnosis: they were soulmates that weren’t meant to be, at least not in this life. 

a/n: hii! i decided to switch it up a little with my usual content and write for the aot fandom (psstt, it’s the first anime fandom that i joined). for this particular post, please make sure to carefully read the warning as this will contain very sensitive and maybe triggering aspects. i don’t want to make anyone upset or uncomfortable. hope you guys enjoy it!

a/n (cont.): not gonna lie, i had to pause while writing this because of how bad it broke my heart. sorry, eren stans 😞 

14.1k words 

warnings: eren jaeger x reader, modern!au, in third person pov, deceiving fluff, heavy angst (sorry), hurt no comfort, mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, brief mention of an eating disorder and body dysmorphia, suicide, not edited for grammatical errors.

---

a new beginning.

the unforgiving cold winter has finally subsided, letting the soft and gentle warmth of spring embrace the earth. a touch of tenderness as the youth played without a stop in the playground as careless parents continued to chat with each other.

spring was finally here.

people were joyous, excited for the warmer weather to come as families began to plan all the sites that they would like to visit for vacation. friends were making summer plans with each other on where their next hit party location would be, ready to get boozed up and wash away their misery by living their teenage years freely.

they were free, like a bird who was finally out of a cage and let into the wild. exactly where it belonged.

but, not everyone was up for new beginnings. chained and caged to their own minds, like ravaging beasts that tore their sanity to pieces.

a lonely girl was seen walking along the park's sidewalk, peacefully listening to her music as she carried her college textbooks and sketchbook in her arms.

she was a simple girl.

or so people thought as they walked past her. but who knew, that her mind was far from simple, a complex process of thoughts that haunted her every single day that she lived.

not paying too much attention to her surroundings, twenty-one-year-old y/n was strolling to her heart's content on a hill under a cherry blossom tree. it was days like this where she truly felt a wave of comfort towards her sanity, watching the cherry blossom trees slowly release the pretty pink petals, one by one.

it brought her peace to know that it wasn't only her that was slowly falling apart. the only difference was that the petals fell gracefully and beautifully.

while she fell apart in the most painful way that she knew.

y/n watched the kids playing tag in the distance, a smile tugging on the corner of her lips as she was overwhelmed with nostalgia.

oh, how free she used to be.

she could almost remember how the sun's warmth embraced her like a mother soothing her child to safety. but now, her whole body was sheathed with clothing, not exposing an inch of skin for the sun's rays to hug.

how y/n wishes that she could relive those days just once. but, life was far from fair.

shit, it's already four in the afternoon? i better get home quick before mom and dad start to worry about me.

she thought as she picked up her pace, not noticing the figure in front of her. she bumped into a hard chest, making the person groan in pain as y/n's eyes widened in panic and embarrassment while her books dropped to the ground.

"oh my god! i'm so sorry!" she quickly apologized, looking up to be met with the most beautiful pair of eyes that she has ever seen. she couldn't tell if it was a shade of teal or emerald green, but whatever it may be, they hypnotized her instantly.

"are you okay?" his voice sounded so smooth, just like honey. his eyes holding concern for the panicking girl as she slowly nodded her head.

"yeah, are you okay?" y/n asked, watching the boy give her an assuring smile.

"don't worry, i'm okay. oh, and so sorry for making you drop these." he said as he bent down, picking up the books and notes that the girl dropped. y/n on the other hand was too busy staring at him, he was just so beautiful.

he was wearing a black cardigan, a green t-shirt and brown slacks. such a simple style yet he looked so soft and warm. his brown hair was long and tied into a small bun in the back, a couple of loose strands falling to his forehead as his slender fingers scrambled around all over the place to pick up y/n's items.

"here you go, again, i'm so sorry about this. i should've moved out of the way when i saw you rush forwards." the beautiful boy said with guilt as he rubbed the back of his nape, handing her the heavy textbooks as both of their fingers brushed against each other. y/n quickly shook her head.

"no, don't worry about it. it was my fault too, and thank you for picking up my things." she said with a shy smile, making the boy nod his head as he put on his earbuds back in his ear, waving her goodbye before walking off.

y/n couldn't move from her spot, almost as if that gorgeous boy had an invisible string tied to her, dragging her soul with him. her mind couldn't get the image of him out.

with a sigh, she began to walk on the opposite direction which would lead her to her destination.

home.

with her mind running in many different places, another regret was added to her big list. she wished that she could've asked for his name, but it would seem creepy, so she didn't.

now you're just a part of my memory. will we ever meet again?

y/n wondered as she crossed the street.

---

"i'm home." she announced, but as expected, a response wasn't heard back. not that it was a surprise, her parents were never home.

always busy with work and more work. they missed every birthday, every thanksgiving, every christmas and every graduation, handing her bundles of cash as a way to pay off their debt of not being available for their only child.

y/n walked past the kitchen, noticing a small post-it note that informed her that money was left on the table so that she could order a pizza for lunch.

when even was the last time that she had a proper home cooked meal? she didn't know and she no longer cared.

it's not like she was hungry anyways.

trudging upstairs, she finally reached her room and opened her door to plop on her bed as she closed her eyes.

---

it's been a week since y/n had that small encounter with the boy. she's been going back to that park frequently in hopes of bumping into him once again, hoping to see him stroll nearby with his headphones plugged in.

but she didn't see him.

where are you? what are you doing right now?

she couldn't help but wonder, smiling as a small blush tinted her cheeks while she thought about how their hands touched for a brief moment. his skin was so warm and soft to the touch.

she could still remember his face as clear as day. strikingly beautiful teal orbs, glistening in the sun's brightness. brown locks that looked so soft to run her hands through.

and of course, she couldn't forget his warm smile that she was sure would make thousands of angels turn away in jealousy.

y/n's always has been a hopeless romantic, but she couldn't help herself from getting even more hopeless.

you are too perfect for me, and I am too imperfect for you.

she thought as she grabbed her sketchbook from her small desk.

although i may not know your identity or who you are, i am sure that i have met you in both a dream and real life.

she knew that she had to draw him.

---

night fell, a spine tingling breeze brushed past y/n as she began to walk through the empty trail of the park. it was deserted, not a single soul to be seen as the only source of light that illuminated the area was the moon itself and the streetlights.

the girl clutched onto her sketchbook and pencil tightly, mesmerized by the music playing in her ears.

pretty boy by the neighborhood.

it was a perfect song, made for the perfect boy that has been swarming around her mind for the longest.

she sat down on the grass under the cherry blossom tree, the petals once again falling on her head, which she didn't mind. before opening her sketchbook, she gazed at the sky that was littered with a couple of stars and the full moon.

suddenly, a shooting star passed by.

i wish you were here with me right now.

y/n silently prayed, her eyes closed as she smiled at the image of the boy her mind created once again.

you don't have to do anything, just be by my side and smile once more.

she opened her sketchbook, twirling the pencil around a bit in between her index and middle finger. the tip hit the paper as she began to make soft strokes, beginning to draw her most favorite feature of his.

his eyes.

the look of concern that he gave her was filled with so much warmth, it was something so precious to her, as nobody ever looked at her like that before.

you are precious to me.

y/n finished sketching the basic shape of his eyes, beginning to make the smaller details before she could start shading. at the same time, she could hear footsteps near her and the rustling of the soft grass.

but she didn't pay too much mind to it as she was busy fixing his eyebrows, but she kept her music low.

in the corner of her eyes, she saw the shadow of another person as they took a seat next to her. but, she was too occupied with her drawing to pay an ounce of attention.

"what are you drawing?" the person asked, the familiar honey like voice making her halt her movement, eyes widened as her body felt electricity run through it.

it was him, it had to be him.

she looked over to her side to spare a glance, her eyes meeting with the same boy that she had bumped into a week ago.

it really is you.

there he was, sitting by her side as he smiled at her once again. a contagious smile that outshone the hundreds of stars in the night sky.

"someone special." y/n cheekily responded, making the boy chuckle as a reaction.

you are special to me.

he once again plugged in his headphones and began to listen to his own music while the girl continued to draw.

it has been almost an hour, the clock inching towards midnight, as the two didn't exchange a single word afterwards. both were just sitting under the cherry blossom tree, next to each other's side, as they coped in their own way.

a girl who drew away all her pain within the fine lines that she stroked, and a boy who drowned all of his troubles in the sounds of the blasting music in his ears.

"i should get going, it's getting pretty late." he announced as he tapped the screen of his phone, making y/n look his way with innocent eyes.

"oh, right." she simply blurted out, losing track of time as she was so busy perfecting her sketch and savoring his presence next to her.

"what's your name?" he asked while standing up before extending a hand towards y/n, which she hesitantly took from how jittery he made her feel.

"y/n. yours?" she replied as she took a hold of his hands, loving the feeling of his skin on hers. such a warm touch that sparked fire throughout her body.

"that's a pretty name. mine is eren." he responded, making knots form in her stomach from the very many butterflies that swarmed inside from his compliment. goosebumps were sent all over her body from how beautiful his name was.

so short and simple yet it rolled off her tongue like a sweet melody.

eren.

a beautiful name for a beautiful person.

---

today was the beginning of a new week.

it was raining from last night, so y/n didn't have the chance to go to the park and meet with eren last night.

the spot under the cherry blossom tree would become their own little comfort circle, as the girl drew him while the boy listened to his music and imagined her face in his mind.

oh god, it was as if he was lovesick.

eren couldn't stop thinking about her since the day they both bumped into each other, feeling his heart combust from how cute she looked when flustered. her gentle soul calmed down his usually paranoid one.

y/n on the other hand, would steal a couple of glances at eren for the purpose of not only drawing him but to relax the fast pace of her beating heart.

every time she looked at him, she would only see him with his eyes closed as the soft breeze blew a couple of strands of hair to his closed eyes while he listened to his music.

she wanted to know what he was listening to with so much passion and emotion.

i'll ask you the next time i see you.

y/n noted before getting up from her bed, noticing that her snacks were finished. her parents were away on another business trip, which meant that they wouldn't be here until tomorrow.

she made sure to lock the main door behind her before she began to walk down the block where the nearest supermarket was located.

as y/n walked down the street, she noticed how empty the sidewalks were. it made her sad but feel comforted at the same time as the rain washed away all the burdensome thoughts that were pestering her mind.

her world has always been lonely, while she carried a heavy heart filled with pain and regret.

she felt hopeless and unwanted.

but how could she? she had everything a person could ever ask for.

a roof above her head, food on the table, parents that were more than financially stable and so much more. she had everything that a kid could ever dream of.

yet, why did she feel so lonely?

the type of loneliness that consumed y/n, suffocating her till she felt like she could no longer breathe. but, the presence of the people in her life felt more insufferable, as she felt like each one of them held imaginary guns to her head.

except for one person.

eren.

his presence made her feel wanted, she liked his presence better than being alone from the other people in her life.

entering the automated doors, she grabbed a red basket before heading towards the snacks aisle. there she threw in a couple of packs of rice balls, chips, candies and ice cream.

while she shuffled through the narrow paths, she didn't realize how her basket collided with someone else's. as she quickly turned around to apologize, her eyes were met with the beautiful boy once again.

"y/n?" eren asked, recognizing her as he turned to face her.

he was always the first one bumping into her.

was this fate?

"yeah, just came by to grab some snacks." she said with a giggle as she held up her basket.

"ohh, those are some great picks. i just came here to do some grocery shopping, you know, fill up the fridge again." he explained, making the girl nod her head in understatement.

she noticed how one of his earbuds were out, so that he could listen to her more carefully. mustering up the courage, y/n was about to open her mouth and ask him what he was listening to, only to be interrupted by a blonde by that was calling eren's name.

"i'm so sorry, i've got to go. my friend's calling me." eren said with an apologetic look, but y/n just gave him a soft smile.

"no worries, catch you later, eren." she said, purposely saying his name at the end, only to hear how beautifully it rolled off her tongue. they both waved each other goodbye as she watched his back walk towards the counter to pay for his items.

eren secretly cursed at his friend armin for ruining the moment, wishing that he could've chatted with her for a bit longer. he loved her presence, he felt an aura so powerful, almost like she was always there just to protect and accompany him from the world's cruel ways.

the both of them were falling for each other deeper than they could've ever imagined.

---

"y/n!" a loud voice boomed from downstairs, making the girl quickly tumble out of bed as she recognized the angry voice of her mother.

"yeah mom?" she responded while she headed downstairs, seeing the woman having both of her hands on her hips with a displeased face.

"honey, what is all of this?" y/n's mom questioned as she pointed at the white bag on the kitchen counter filled with the snacks that were bought by the younger girl yesterday. however, y/n just remained silent as she didn't know what to say to argue back with her mother.

it wasn't like it was a fight worth arguing for because in the end, her mother would always find a way to prove her point, whether it was reasonable or not.

"if you continue to eat like this, then you'll be needing a whole new pant size by next month." she chuckled, poking at the girl's stomach in a teasing manner, only for y/n to swat her mother's hand away. her mother frowned at the action, but shrugged it off.

"you could ignore me all you want, but i just want the best for my daughter. your cousin lost twenty pounds this month! isn't that so amazing?" her mother questioned, although her intentions were to rub it in her face, making y/n's heart pump faster as she could feel anxiety overwhelm her being. her body began to shake and palms began to sweat as it became harder to breathe.

she could feel tears well in her eyes, as she turned her back to walk back upstairs to her room. y/n refused to show her mother any kind of weakness, knowing well enough that it would be used against her.

"y/n? honey!" she could hear her mother yell for her, but continued to ignore her.

the weeping girl entered her room, sniffling and choking on her sobs. she felt pathetic, wondering why such trivial words always get to her.

but that was the problem, these words weren't trivial at all nor were they words of genuine concern from her mother. in fact, it wasn't just her mother but all of her relatives.

she entered her bathroom, looking at the huge mirror as she stared at her body.

she poked all around her body, feeling disgusted as the mirror continued to deceive her in the most crude ways possible. the voices in her head were sounding more like her mother and her annoying relatives that would continuously tell her to shed off some weight at every family gathering.

but what weight?

she was a perfectly healthy girl, even her doctors said that.

so why, just why couldn't they see that? why did they continue to call her such degrading names that rotted her ears or compare her body with girls that weighed less than her? why would they pinch the sides of her stomach and tell her to starve herself?

numbers on the scale that would determine her self-worth towards others, making her crumble to pieces. she went to bed with an empty stomach for days, just like how she did before, not wanting to add more calories to her body nor burden her parents by wasting their money.

why can't i be pretty?

i want to feel pretty.

am i not enough?

why do i feel so alone?

these questions taunted her mind, ripping her into shreds as she stared down at the white marbled tile floors in the bathroom. nothing was ever enough to satisfy her parents, there was always an issue to the point where y/n thought that maybe her birth was a mistake.

their expectations for her were above the roof, and that raised conflict against y/n's grades. she was an average student with a sharp mind, but to her parents it was the signs of a developing failure. they despised her major, not giving a single shit that it was her dream to pursue an art career.

another reason why she hated family reunions. her cousins were either successful doctors and business people, or they were in the process of reaching those goals. those shitty relatives of hers knew what she wanted to do in the future, but always asked regardless to make a joke out of her.

which is why she stopped attending, not caring that her relatives threw dirt on her parents for raising a disrespectful brat. anything in this whole world was better than hearing such heart-stabbing words from people who are your own blood, people who are supposed to be by your side no matter what.

through her blurry vision, she looked at the corner of her sink, noticing the small metal that was glistening under the light. y/n closed her eyes, trying to distract her mind to another path, not wanting to fall on the road of darkness once again. she's tried so hard to maintain a clean record, and she'd be ashamed of herself for breaking it.

but everyone had a breaking point, and y/n was no different.

a heavy sigh left her lips and she knew that she needed some kind of relief from all these thoughts that were buzzing around her mind like a bunch of annoying flies. and so, she allowed herself to be defeated.

all she ever wanted was for someone to notice that she was trying her best to satisfy the world to their pleasure.

---

eren sat on his bed, letting out a heavy sigh as he began to rub his temples. the boy was only twenty-one, yet he would stay up for days thinking about how he was gonna make his life work out.

bill after bill were piling up on the kitchen table, and it wasn't only housing bills. majority of the pile consisted of hospital bills due to eren's father being admitted, as the poor old man was diagnosed with heart disease about a year ago.

eren was devastated, unable to financially support himself or his sick father. he worked a job but it could only pay so much.

he threw the envelope to the side, grabbing his phone as he plugged in his earbuds before grasping the keys on the lamp table.

it was time for eren to put his mind at rest for the night.

---

the crisp air of tonight once again sent chills down y/n's spine while she walked inside the park. it was inching closer to midnight, the whole world was asleep except for two people.

the restless souls of a girl and boy who were slowly dying.

the girl began to walk up the small hill to where the large cherry blossom tree resided. there, she saw the outline of a figure already seated as when she got closer, she was met with eren.

they both greeted each other as y/n sat right next to him like usual before averting her gaze to her sketchbook. she began to open to the page that she was working on for about more than a week now.

that is until she felt a light tap on her shoulder, making her jolt as she was startled.

"yeah?" she asked as she glanced at eren, who now took off both of his earbuds while he turned his whole body towards her.

"sorry if i startled you, i just wanted to ask you if you wouldn't mind talking to me tonight? if you're not busy." he hesitantly asked with a small smile, making y/n's heart swell with warmth as she felt fuzzy inside.

"of course, i'd love that." y/n responded as she closed her sketchbook and placed it on the ground, planning to work on it later at home.

"you know, i didn't expect you to come here often, especially at such a late hour." eren commented, making the girl hum in response.

"same here. but, i usually come here to draw because sometimes the world could be so loud and you just need to take a step back to give yourself some time." she explained, making the boy nod his head in agreement.

"i get where you're coming from. oh my god, wait- i come here almost every night, am i a bother? im so-" eren began to ramble with panic, hating himself for invading her privacy without even asking her once if she was okay with it.

"no! please don't apologize, you're no bother at all. i actually enjoy your company a lot." y/n quickly cut him off, assuring that it was perfectly okay. she placed a gentle hand on his back, calming him down as he nodded with an exhale of relief.

she noticed how tense he was, always jumping to apologize for the smallest things and she couldn't help but wonder if he was okay. but, she decided to not ask as it was not her place to pry into his personal life.

after all, they were just two strangers who happen to find comfort in each other's presence during their darkest hours.

"i'm glad to know that you didn't find me creepy or anything. i usually come back here because it brings me peace to know that someone is by my side around this lonely hour." he admitted with a shy smile, making the girl blush.

and just like that, they began to exchange small talk with each other. talking about random things such as their favorite colors, clothing styles, and so on.

"march twentieth? aww, that means it already passed." y/n pouted in disappointment, making the boy chuckle.

"don't worry, i don't really do anything for my birthday either way." he said, his tone laced with a hint of sadness.

"if it makes you feel any better, i sleep the whole day away. not much of a party person, you know?" she attempted to make the mood lighter.

"i guess us meeting each other was destiny, huh? we both connect so well." eren added, making her giggle from his words.

a playful destiny that they both didn't know what they were getting themselves into. they crossed in each other's paths, weaving themselves into each other's hearts and mind.

"can i ask you something, if you don't mind?" y/n asked, playing with her fingers as her nerves were practically killing her at the moment.

"of course, what's up?" eren softly said, noticing how fidgety she was in front of him.

"what song are you listening to?" she asked her burning question, but it came out to be more like a mumble.

"ah, this? well, i listen to many songs by various different artists. but there's this one particular song that is very dear to my heart and it's called je te laisserai des mots by patrick watson. the song reminds me of my mother." eren mentioned, showing her his screen which had the pop-up of the song's cover picture.

"oh, i see. what happened to her?" y/n nonchalantly blurted, regretting her words immediately as she quickly slapped a hand on her mouth.

"sorry, that was such a personal question." she quickly tried to amend her words, but eren shook his head.

"no worries, you're fine. my mother passed away about three years ago from leukemia." he said with a sad smile, his words came out much softer than before, almost like a whisper as he harshly gulped.

y/n's eyes widened, her heart softening as she saw the boy trying to maintain a strong character.

"i'm so sorry, eren." was the only thing she could say, wishing that she could somehow make him feel better.

eren began to tell her how the song was about leaving letters under the door, during the night when the whole world turned silent. two lovers that would heal each other through their sweet words of nothings and secret communication, waiting for the perfect moment to embrace and kiss each other.

the song sounded beautiful, making y/n want to listen to it right now. eren took the phone out of her hands, the two seconds of skin contact making y/n's heart almost jump out of her chest. he found the song on youtube and added it to her playlist.

eren's mother would always tell him stories of how everyone in the world was created in pairs and that he soon will find his other half.

but who knew, that the universe would play a cruel card on the poor boy by making him meet her at the wrong time.

"your mother sounds like a lovely woman and this song sounds just as lovely as her." y/n commented, making eren's lips curl into a smile, the strings of his heart being tugged by how gentle she was with him.

"she really was." he sighed out, a whimper leaving his mouth as the girl turned to face him. there she saw his face, coated with tears as they spilled from his gorgeous eyes.

y/n's heart clenched in pain, unable to take in the sight of eren crying in front of her. her hands were getting clammy and shaky as she didn't know how to approach him. she sucked in a breath, screwing everything to hell.

y/n leaned forwards, making eren look up at her with glossy red eyes. god, he looked so ethereal, so beautiful as the pale moonlight shone over his face. the girl only managed to nod at him before pulling him to her chest, allowing him to sob all of his pain on her.

"all these years, i've been so alone. always wondering, just when will it all get better? but it never did, false hope is much more painful than anything else in the world." he choked out, salty tears wetting her shirt.

y/n couldn't help but let her own tears roll down her rosy cheeks, sniffling as she heard the boy tell her his story. the story of the boy whom she presumed to be free from the world's hellish ways, when in reality, he was just like her.

chained to his own torturous mind.

and that's when y/n realized, how similar their worlds were. she thought that she lived in a world where only she existed, falling deeper into the void of nothing but darkness.

but now, he was in her world and made it feel less empty.

the girl placed both of her palms on the sides of his wet face, soft and tender fingers brushing against his skin to wipe away his tears as she looked at him with the most adoring and gentle eyes.

"you're not alone anymore, eren. i'm here with you now." y/n assures before placing her forehead on his, feeling his warm breath against her own. eren began to relax into her hold, wrapping his arms around her waist to pull her in tighter, inhaling her scent which continued to intoxicate his mind like a drug.

and just like that, they both became each other's one and only.

---

both eren and y/n exchanged their numbers, texting each other almost daily. they both were holding onto a thread where they pulled on each end. of course, they continued to meet up exactly around midnight under the same cherry blossom tree.

it was raining outside, which meant that y/n would stay home tonight. she loved the rain as it would bring her a sense of home of the home that she never had. the sky was crying, a beautifully tragic scene as the sky was also home to the stars, something so beautiful yet painfully sad.

it showed that no matter how much you shine and seem to be so flawless, inside, there will always be a piece of sorrow that no one wants to show.

this would perfectly describe both eren and y/n. they were both a tragically beautiful piece of a suicidal work of art.

perfectly imperfect together.

y/n walked downstairs with her sketchbook in hand, wanting to continue her drawing of eren as she placed the book on the dining table. once again plugging in her headphone, she began to go through her playlist to find the song that eren recommended her.

that was until chaos broke.

"y/n!" her father angrily yelled into the room, making the poor girl look up at the man in both panic and fear. she wasn't necessarily close with either parents, but her father always managed to scare her from how strict and neutral his face would always be.

she couldn't even remember the last time that she hugged him or even had a normal conversation with him.

"you good for nothing of a child! i just got your semester's report card in the mail today and you're still in that useless art major? the hell is this y/n! haven't i advised you many times to take a business course?" her dad scolded her, making her tremble on her spot as the man's face turned red.

"i'm not interested in business, dad. i have a passion for art and would like to continue doing so. but if you can't accept that, then i don't have anything else to say to you." she harshly spoke up, glaring at the man as her dad's eyes widened.

"since when have you learned to talk back to me so rudely, huh? fine, do what you want. but when things don't go the way you wanted, don't come running back to us because these doors are gonna be closed for you, for good." he deadpanned, facial expressions remaining calm yet his words were like a bunch of knives, stabbing y/n's already aching heart a thousand times.

she was still their kid, how could they say such a thing? parents were expected to encourage their kids and be their backbone, but every time that y/n spoke to hers, she wished that she never had any to begin with.

"i see." was the only thing she blurted before resuming to put her headphones in, ignoring her father's presence. he scoffed in disbelief before walking towards his daughter, harshly grabbing the wires of the headphones.

"what the fuck is your problem, man?" y/n angrily scowled, watching her father throw the headphones on the ground before stomping on it. she watched them break, knowing well enough that she won't be able to buy new ones any time soon.

"there you go, now let's see how you'll ignore my words. god, why did i ever even decide to have a kid. a pain in my ass." he muttered the last sentence under his breath, yet the words rung clear in y/n's head as tears brimmed in her eyes.

without a second thought, the girl grabbed her sketchbook and pencil before storming out the door. she heard her father yell, but she no longer cared, all she wanted to do was leave.

she wanted to leave her home, her parents and she wanted to leave this world.

i hate this! i hate this so much! i want to leave, leave everyone and this fucking world. go to hell, for fucks sake.

she thought as she ran through the pouring rain, not caring that her clothes were drenched and her hair was sticking to her forehead. it was so hard to deal with her conflicting emotions every day, living through random waves of sadness and loneliness.

y/n's sketchbook had a leather cover, but she still shoved it inside her shirt in fear of it getting wet and destroyed. she found herself walking along the same path of the park as she kept on walking closer to the cherry blossom tree.

she plopped on the grass, crying out as she looked at her knees. she felt hopeless and desperate, wishing that she could somehow change her life.

if only she could turn back time, then would everything change? if she did listen to her parents and followed their every order like a dog, then would they perhaps love her more?

all she wanted was some affection and care. is she not even worthy of that?

she heard the heavy raindrop noise pitter-pattering on a hard surface as she no longer felt the drops hitting her body. she looked forwards to see a pair of legs, an umbrella that was now shielding her from the cold rain.

"y/n?" a voice called out, tone dripping with concern as she knew that voice.

the voice that would always make her days, soothe her sanity and calm down her racing heart.

"eren." she whispered, a small smile making its way to her lips as she crouched her head. eren let go of the umbrella, dropping to his knees in front of her before cradling her in his arms while the girl cried on his chest in the pouring rain. her fists grabbed onto his shirt as she choked on her tears, whimpers leaving her mouth.

he was always here for her, coming to her during the times that she needed someone the most. he was there to give her a shoulder to cry on, wrap around his arms to bring her a sense of warmth and comfort and most of all, he was there to smile for her.

his smile that gave her some hope in continuing life, just so that she could wake up every day and look forward to seeing that gorgeous smile.

"what happened, y/n?" eren softly asked, hesitating in his mind a bit on whether or not he should ask but he did anyways. he wanted to help her, he'd do anything for her if it meant that she'd feel an inch better than she was feeling right now.

"please, just take me home, eren." she whispered against the flesh of his neck, making the boy pinch his eyebrows together in confusion.

"i don't know where you live though." he answered, but the girl shook her head.

"i'll go wherever you go, eren. that's my home, you're my home." she mumbled in his shirt, making his heart skip multiple beats and he didn't know if it was from her words or from how her lips were grazing against his collarbones.

"okay, let's go." eren nodded his head before picking up the exhausted girl in his arms as he began to walk to his house.

---

"if you need anything, just let me know, hm?" eren informed as he handed y/n a pair of his pants and a t-shirt. the girl nodded before walking inside the bathroom to change out of her soaking clothes while eren sat in his room waiting for her.

after a couple of minutes, y/n walked out and noticed that eren also changed out of his wet clothes. sighing out heavily, she took a seat next to him on his bed.

"what were you doing out in the pouring rain, y/n? you're going to get sick." he said with a frown, caressing her cheeks softly.

"i'm already sick eren, what's a little rain gonna do to me?" she responded with a bitter chuckle, making the boy look at her with curious eyes.

"y/n.." eren trailed off, watching the girl in front of him fall to pieces.

"no, i shouldn't be feeling this way. it's pathetic, what do i have to be sad about? i have both of my parents, a house, food on the table, and so much more. but even with all that, why do i feel so miserable, eren? please, i need an answer. i can't stop feeling this wave of hatred for myself." y/n spoke as her voice cracked towards the end, eyes desperately searching eren's for some kind of solution.

"you have every right to feel this way, y/n. if it hurts you, then it hurts. your feelings are valid just like anyone else's." eren softly told her, words as delicate as a feather as he was afraid that she would break under his touch.

he was an angel, listening to her every word with deep care and attention.

he was her angel.

"they were never here for me. i've spent the last twenty-one years all alone, every birthday, every christmas and every graduation. they could never make any time for me, am i not worth their time? am i that burdensome?" y/n questioned, wetting eren's perfectly dried shirt as the boy continued to rub her back in a soothing manner.

"i would swim across the seven seas if it meant to spend just a minute with you." eren said, making her breath hitch as she looked up at him only to have him look down at her with the most pure and soft eyes.

"no, i don't deserve your time, eren. you deserve someone better, someone prettier and someone who's flawless. i'm not the one." she painfully spoke, each word breaking her heart even more.

"but you're an angel, y/n. a breathtakingly beautiful angel. everyone has their own flaws, it's what makes them special. and the both of us, we're beautifully broken together." eren said with glossy eyes before planting a chaste kiss on her forehead.

and after so many lonely years later, y/n finally felt wanted and cared for, just as she desired with all her heart.

---

it's been about two weeks since y/n has been living with eren. her parents still haven't come looking for her, not that she cared. even if they were to come and demand her to go home, she knew that she wouldn't oblige.

the moments that she spent with eren felt like a dream, too good to be true. he was the only one who was able to make her lonely world feel like it was alive. he was the light that shone bright in the deep and dark caverns of her soul.

he gave her a purpose.

and just like that, she gave him a reason to continue. she was his anchor, the one holding the pieces of his sanity together.

y/n has just finished her drawing of eren, staring at it every night after the lights went out and eren left to go sleep on the couch. the drawing was perfect and beautiful, just like the inspired model himself.

secretly, y/n has been saving up for a special surprise for eren. after running away from home, her parents stopped putting money in her bank account, so with whatever she had left, she tried her best to help eren out and use it for her surprise.

she pulled out the small red box before opening it, hearing the beautiful melody. it was a customized music box that had the same tune playing of eren's favorite song.

je te laisserai des mots by patrick watson.

y/n placed it in the gift bag along with the drawing of eren, and now all she had to do was look for eren himself.

she got up from the bed, feet shuffling as she exited the room to look for the brunet. but, he was nowhere to be seen. lost in confusion, she followed her instincts and went outside.

y/n let out a breath of relief as she noticed the figure in the distance, slightly jogging up to him before hugging his back.

"eren! i-" her words were short-lived as her nose burned with the foul smell of cigarettes. shocked, she quickly pulled away and forced eren to face her.

"eren, what are you doing?" she quickly blurted out before grabbing the cancerous stick out of his mouth, throwing it on the floor as she stepped on it.

"i don't know what to do anymore, y/n." eren sighed out, before collapsing into her arms as he buried his face in the crook of her neck. naturally, she wrapped her arms around his neck as she stroked his hair.

"it's okay, i'm here." she quietly assured.

"my father's condition is getting worse and the doctors told me that if i can't pay his hospital bills within the next month, then all of his medical treatment will eventually be stopped." he mumbled into her neck, trying to explain the situation to the girl.

y/n was frozen, immobile in her tracks as she felt eren's tears hit her skin. she didn't know what to do, she didn't have enough money on her to help the boy out with his father.

"i could get a second job, eren. we could make this work, don't lose hope, alright? i'm here with you no matter what." y/n murmured against his hair before kissing his forehead.

"i'm so sorry you had to see me like that. i just need something to get my mind off of that, you know?" he tried to defend himself as guilt washed over his face.

"you don't need to apologize, eren. but please, don't smoke anymore. share it with me, let me take some of the load. i don't want you to suffer alone." she caressed his face, making eren smile at her as he wondered to himself what he ever did to deserve someone like y/n.

"thank you for being so kind to me. i promise, i won't smoke anymore." he vowed, making the girl nod her head.

"oh right, i forgot to ask you. i'm gonna go see my mother later on, would you like to meet her?" eren offered and without hesitation, y/n nodded her head.

"i'd love to meet her, eren!" she exclaimed, hugging the boy once again in content as he chuckled in reaction.

"then let's go meet her together!" eren sang out before taking a hold of her soft hands as they both began to walk.

---

"hey mom." eren said with a cheeky smile, sitting next to the gravestone as he stroked it gently. y/n took a seat next to him, carefully watching the boy talk to his mother.

"sorry for not coming so often, dad's bills are skyrocketing and he himself isn't doing so well. ah, how could he be so selfish? he's getting ready to see you way too soon." he spoke with a shaky voice, trying to keep his composure, although his voice kept cracking from the immense amount of pain he was feeling.

but, that wasn't until he felt two smaller arms wrap around his torso as the girl leaned into his chest.

"nice to meet you, mrs. jaeger. i'm y/n." she simply introduced herself, making eren smile like a fool in love.

i've found my other half, mom.

eren silently thought, hoping that his words were able to reach his mother. he watched the girl talking with his mother, telling her about her childhood and how much he meant to her.

"i promise you, mrs. jaeger, i'll go into space to bring the stars for your son if i have to." she whispered before place a small kiss on the stone.

---

"what's this?" eren innocently asked, pointing to the gift bag that rested on his bed. y/n grinned as she ushered him to open it.

"a surprise." y/n whispered into his ears before pressing a small kiss on his temple, making the boy blush from the sudden action.

he dug inside the bag and pulled out the music box, opening it as the tune began to play. his eyes widened in shock, looking at y/n.

"is this actually for me?" he asked to be sure, and the girl nodded her head.

"yup! just for you." she chirped with a grin. eren continued to look in the bag and pulled out the portrait of himself.

"you were working on me the whole time?" he gasped, amazed at how beautifully she drew him.

"i started this portrait ever since we've first bumped into each other. you were just so gorgeous that i couldn't help myself." y/n embarrassingly admitted, making eren grab her face with the palm of his hands.

"it's beautiful, thank you so much, my little angel." the nickname sent tight knots being tied all over y/n's body, the familiar warm and fuzzy feeling making her chest tighten.

"you really like it?" she asked and eren gave her a soft smile.

"i love it, and to show you my gratitude, would you be up for going to the summer festival with me tomorrow?" he invited her with a small smirk, making heat rush up to her cheeks.

was this a date?

y/n's thoughts were swarming in her head, all running in different directions.

"of course." she responded before pulling him in for another hug.

she could never have enough of him and the way they both loved each other started to scare them, as they were becoming afraid to lose one another.

---

it was a beautiful sight.

colorful lights decorating the streets and the huge park, fairy lights wrapped all around the branches of the cherry blossom trees. along with the that, the delicious smell of the various snacks in each vendor was enough to make both y/n and eren hungry. but, they just got here and they still have the whole night to spend.

"can you believe that this would happen every year and each year i would stay home?" y/n scoffed in disbelief, making eren hum in response as he watched the flock of people shuffling around.

"well, now the both of us are here for the first time! since i've never been to one either." eren said as he took a hold of her hand, swinging it back and forth as they began to look around.

little kids were running around like a couple of wild rabbits, swirling the lit up balloons or the animal shaped balloons in the air. y/n looked around, noticing how they had stalls where you could get your face painted into different animals and such.

the area was radiating with nothing but positive vibes, euphoric energy as screams of fear could be heard in the distance. they placed a few rollercoasters this year too.

"so, what would you like to do first?" he asked, pulling her closer to his chest as his warmth engulfed her being.

"let's go ride that!" y/n's eyes lit up as she pointed to a ride that had a huge slope and although eren looked at it with hesitant eyes, he wanted to fulfill her request.

"well then, your wish is my command." eren said in a cheesy manner, making the girl become flustered as she playfully smacked his chest, the both of them erupting into a fit of laughter.

it was nights like these that made the both of them truly feel alive.

the wait in line wasn't too long as the festival just started and people started to come in, so both eren and y/n got into an empty cart pretty easily. the workers buckled them up securely before giving them a thumbs up, indicating that they were ready for the ride.

it started, y/n could feel the thumping of her heart get louder as the ride slowly began to inch towards the top. eren on the other hand, gulped harshly as he glanced at y/n who also shared the same fearful look.

no, i have to be a man.

eren mentally scolded himself before clearing his throat.

"if you feel scared, you could always hold onto my hand." he offered, making the girl scoff as she rolled her eyes.

"do you think of me as a wimp?" she argued back, making eren hum.

"hmm, we'll see." he teased before sticking out his tongue at her.

they finally reached the top and all the pride and courage in the both of them were soon nowhere to be found. they stopped right at the top as both y/n and eren's eyes were shut closed.

"are you ready y/n?!"

"hell no! are you ready eren?!

"no! but let's be ready together, yeah?!"

"okay!"

and with that being said, the ride went down the slope at an unbelievably fast pace, making the both of them scream their lungs off. facing his fear, eren opened his eyes only to laugh in disbelief at the sight.

they were up so high on the second slope as he quickly looked at his right side, watching the girl scream with her eyes tightly screwed shut.

"y/n! open your eyes!" eren quickly blurted out, but she violently shook her head.

"i can't!" y/n yelled back.

"you can! just trust me!" eren assured, holding her hand and gave it a small squeeze. feeling reassured by his words and frail touch, the girl opened her eyes and gasped.

"holy fuck! we're so up high!" y/n said, although it was obvious. the ride was scary yet beautiful, it would stop at the top from time to time to give the riders time to appreciate the scenery.

from up top, you could the decorated park and the people on the bottom sprawled everywhere like a bunch of little dolls. the night sky was a bit cloudy as she could see a bunch of lanterns being prepared for later on.

"last one, y/n. let's do it together again!" eren shouted with a small smile as he intertwined his fingers with hers once again, before they both let out a shriek while the ride went down the last slope and loop.

"that was awesome!" y/n exclaimed like a little kid as they both got off the ride, the girl stumbling a bit as eren was quick enough to catch her back.

"mhm, we could ride it once more before we leave." eren casually said as the girl nodded her head eagerly.

"let's have some ice cream." y/n suggested and eren nonchalantly nodded his head before he was being pulled away by the girl to the stall.

they both got a cone and began to eat the cold sweet dessert. they both looked at each other with wide eyes from how good the soft dairy treat tasted.

"this is good." eren complimented as he began to devour the cone, basically. y/n chuckled at how messy he was being, the sides of his lips covered with the vanilla ice cream.

"wait, you got a little something here." she said as she took her thumb and swiped it across his lips, making eren freeze at the sudden contact. he was flustered at how soft her thumb pads felt against his lips.

"thanks." he breathed out before they both continued to eat their ice cream.

as they both continued to walk in between many people, y/n couldn't help but wonder if life has always been like this.

the people here seemed like they were on some kind of laughing or happy gas, not an inch of sadness or misery being expressed in their facial expression. for once in her life, she genuinely felt happy.

and it was all because of eren, her one and only.

he was her special person, the only person in her life. his contagious smile was the only thing that could make her stomach do somersaults and make her heart skip so many beats at a single time.

she loved him and it was undeniable.

"these are pretty." eren pointed at the stall that was selling rings. they were beautifully decorated with stones of all colors and the bands were engraved with roses.

"what a lovely couple you both are. would you like to buy a pair of our special rings?" the lady asked and eren contemplated for a while.

"which one do you think looks better, y/n?" eren indecisively asked for an opinion while shifting his gaze towards the girl.

"that one." she pointed at the rings that didn't have a colored stone on top of it and instead were just the bands that were encrusted with the roses.

"i think so too. we'll have that please." eren politely said as the lady began to box up the rings while he handed her the money.

the both of them made their way to their usual spot, which is underneath their cherry blossom tree. there wasn't anyone there as most people were busy taking pictures of themselves near the other trees or by the riverside.

both eren and y/n sat down on the grass, the girl resting her head on his shoulder as a smile of content was plastered on her face.

"what's up with that sudden pretty smile?" eren asked with a cocked eyebrow, making y/n giggle.

"oh, nothing. it's just, i haven't felt like this in ages." she replied, making eren snake his arms around her waist to pull her in closer.

"well, i'm glad that you're enjoying yourself." he commented before pressing a kiss on the top of her head. eren was about to grab her hand to hold it, but he didn't notice that she was leaning forwards and accidentally grabbed her wrist instead.

unexpectedly, y/n let out a loud yelp as eren looked at her with horror. y/n quickly shut herself up, sucking in the tears that threatened to spill before nervously glancing at the petrified boy, who didn't know what he did wrong.

"i'm so sorry y/n, oh my god." eren quickly apologized, making her shake his head to calm his panic down.

"no, no, no, you did nothing wrong." y/n quickly assured, but that wasn't enough to convince eren. the boy saw her sleeves being raised, noticing the thin lines on her flesh. he softly took a hold of her arm as the girl looked at him with wide eyes.

"eren-"

he pulled up her sleeves, gasping as he slapped his hand over his mouth to prevent himself from uttering another word. her wrists were full of slits, they were old scars which were done when she used to live with her parents.

y/n nervously chewed on her bottom lip, palms becoming sweaty as she continued to watch eren examine her arm without a single word.

"i'm sorry, i know they're ugly." she said, slowly now becoming insecure of the marks as she attempted to slip her hand away to once again cover them. but, eren pulled her arm back before holding it up to his face.

"who said that?" eren whispered under his breath before pressing a soft kiss on the cut flesh, making the girl slightly wince in pain but it was bearable.

"y/n, each one of these scars, tells me that you survived every battle. you wanna know how? it's because right now, you're sitting right next to me, happy and breathing." he once again spoke before planting another tender kiss on her scars, peppering each one of them with the gentle kisses lightly.

y/n could feel her eyes become watery as it was becoming overwhelming. never in her life has she been handled this delicately, like a fragile piece of glass. but eren, he treated her like nobody ever did before.

his love for her was nothing but pure and genuine.

"eren?" she called out his name, a word that she would never get tired of saying.

"yes my little angel?" he answered, looking at her with anticipating eyes.

"i love you." y/n blurted out the three words from the bottom of her heart, looking into his eyes with nothing but a lovesick expression.

"i love you too." eren replied before leaning his face closer to hers until there was no space left between the both of them. y/n closed her eyes, feeling both of their noses brush against each other as their breaths mingled.

in mere seconds, their lips connected as they began to move on their own. eren's hands were at the sides of her face while her hands were entangled with the soft brown locks.

it truly felt like heaven on earth.

their souls intertwined together, becoming one, as the feverish kiss left them almost breathless as they both kissed each other as if it was their last.

eren tilted his head, trying to get a better angle as her lips were slightly gape, taking this as an opportunity to slide his tongue in. y/n felt eren stealing all the oxygen in her lungs from the kiss, pulling the boy closer to her even though it wasn't physically possible. she grabbed onto his shirt, body trembling with the overwhelming feeling of the sparks set inside her heart. his hands moved down to rub her back as y/n suddenly smiled, making eren smile against her lips as well.

they were made for each other.

---

eren took out the box that contained the two rings, gently grabbing her ring finger before sliding it on. y/n found it cheesy, the whole promise ring concept, but she couldn't deny the fact that it made her feel special.

he always managed to make her feel special no matter what.

she took the other ring and grabbed eren's hand, sliding the rose encrusted band on his ring finger as he grinned like an idiot.

"this is a token of my undying love for you." he vowed before locking his fingers together with hers, bringing it up to his face to kiss both of the cold metals.

"what did i ever do to deserve such a precious person?" y/n thought out loud, making eren let out a faint chuckle before he tucked the loose strands of hair behind her ear.

"we'll heal together, my love." eren promised before kissing the bridge of her nose, sending her sanity over the edge as y/n felt like she was on cloud nine.

"okay, let's do that." she agreed with a nod, reciprocating the same action as she kissed the bridge of his nose.

it was almost as if all their troubles and worries melted into puddles of nothing. they were living in a fairytale, a world where only they existed.

she was his princess and he was her prince charming, saving her from the world's harsh ways.

y/n got up, picking some flowers from the cherry blossom tree while the boy innocently watched her with doey eyes. she came behind him and planted the small flowers into his bun.

"pretty flowers for a pretty boy." y/n said with a wide grin, making eren become bashful from the sweet gesture. so, in return, he did the same.

eren picked some flowers, just as she did and placed them in his lap as he sat behind her. y/n's hair was out, making it much more accessible for eren to braid her hair. after he was done braiding her hair, he placed each cherry blossom flower in the slits of the braid.

"pretty flowers for my pretty princess." eren commented as he looked at his work proudly, making the girl gasp with amazement.

"jeez, i never knew you were this good with hair! you made me look like an actual princess." y/n compared and complimented the boy.

"i used to braid my mom's hair a lot, so i kinda know the ways." he said with a small wink, making the girl laugh.

"attention ladies and gentlemen! the sky lantern show will be starting soon, it's a sight you wouldn't wanna miss!" a loud voice roared through the whole area as a short man spoke through the megaphone.

"my lady?" eren dramatically asked as he nudged his arm to link with hers.

"why of course, my good sir." she played along, making them both laugh at their childish behavior.

the both of them didn't want the night to end. it was as if they were reborn tonight and were given a second chance to relive everything all over again, with each other. every mistake, every regret and every ounce of loneliness that they every felt were gone, as if it never even happened.

both eren and y/n walked to the riverside, watching it slowly becoming crowded with people.

"get your lanterns here! get your lanterns!" they heard a person repeat over and over again, peering at the stall a couple of steps ahead. they both shrugged at each other and headed in that direction as the old man gave them a small smile.

"my, my, it truly is summer, huh? the youth have found love and it is blossoming just like the rest of the spring flowers." he commented with a hearty chuckle before handing eren a lantern, explaining the instructions to him.

"oh, and here is a marker, my dear. you could write a small message before you release your lantern." the old man told y/n as the girl took his offer and thanked him.

were people always this nice?

y/n thought to herself as she began to walk by eren's side, the both of them getting closer by the river. they sat down on the cemented edge, feet dangling off.

"what should we write?" y/n thought out loud, asking eren for any ideas, but the boy was also thinking.

"i think i have it!" the girl suddenly outbursted, eren handing her the paper lantern to let her write.

no matter how far apart we are, in every new life that we enter, we will find each other once again.

- eren and y/n, forever

"sounds great!" eren exclaimed as he began to start the fire that would blow the lantern all the way up in the sky. thousands of them were already decorating the sky, lighting up the whole area.

"you ready?" he asked the girl while holding on to the lantern securely so that it doesn't go flying up in the air beforehand.

"mhm." she hummed in response as she placed her hands on top of his.

"then let's release it on the count of three." eren suggested.

"1... 2... 3...!"

both of them let the paper lantern go as it began to float up, innocent and curious eyes trailing behind the lantern as they watched it like a bunch of little kids. they continued to watch the very many colored lanterns being released, ranging from all different shapes and sizes.

"eren! eren! look, our lantern is still flying up!" y/n pointed out as she bounced a bit, pointing at the lantern that flew the highest from the rest.

"must be a sign that our message will come true." eren said before kissing her neck, tickling her flesh as the girl let out a small giggle.

"of course, after all, you and i share the same soul. we're meant to be." she said with glimmering eyes before leaning in to kiss eren once again.

and as if on cue, they could hear fireworks being set off somewhere far in the distance.

tonight truly felt magical.

---

it was the next morning, late noon to be exact. both eren and y/n were still fast asleep as they got home pretty late last night. love struck and unable to let go of each other, they both ended up sharing the bed, tucked away in each other's warmth.

so, here they both were, sleeping in each other's arms. y/n's head rested on eren's chest while his arms were laced around her waist protectively, afraid that she'd run away from him. their legs were entangled together, while y/n's other arm draped over his torso.

soft snores of their peaceful slumber could be heard as the house was silent.

but, who knew that it would only take a matter of seconds to change everything? fate, something so powerful yet so destructive at the same time.

the ringing of eren's phone woke him up, as the still dazed boy let out a groan of annoyance. he carefully turned over to his side, not wanting to wake up the sleeping girl in his arms.

it was an unknown number.

not thinking much of it, eren accepted the call and placed it on his ear before clearing his throat.

"hello?" eren quietly asked in a groggy voice.

"is this the son of grisha jaeger?" the feminine voice questioned from the other line, making eren's mind become more alert.

"yes, this is him." he seriously answered, only to hear a brief pause from the other side. eren could feel his nerves driving him off the edge, his heart pumping faster from how anxious he felt. he wasn't too religious, but that didn't stop him from praying to whatever god that was up there that the lady wasn't about to tell him what he thinks she's about to tell him.

please, please, just not right now. i can't do this, i was having so much fun last night. why? why now?!

"this is the hospital that your father has been admitted to. we would like to send our condolences to you, your father has passed away this morning around eight-thirty. again, we are very sorry, but we tried everything that we could." her words felt like they were getting farther away, his mind becoming blank.

"hello? hello? mr. jaeger? hel-"

eren pressed the red button on the bottom, his breathing becoming irregular as he tried his best to calm down, looking at the sleeping angelic figure next to him.

y/n, if i told you about all the thoughts running in my head right now, would you be able to catch each one of them and make them disappear?

he wondered, caressing her soft skin while she quietly snored on his chest in complete oblivion. the boy could feel a rush of tears threatening to spill as he tried to discreetly let y/n off of him. being successful, he was able to slip out of the covers.

eren left his room, sitting in the sofa as he let out a sob, unable to contain his tears anymore as he cried in the palm of his hands.

what kind of son was he? his parents gave him the blessing of living a life as freely as he wanted, he found his other half and lived his best moments.

the least he could've done was gather some money and help his dying father. but, he couldn't even do that. now, what could guarantee him that he would be able to take care of y/n for the rest of his life?

how would he be able to provide for her when he can't even assure himself that he'll be able to pay for next month's rent? his life savings were practically all dumped to the hospital as he begged them to have mercy on him and help his father.

but who cared? the world revolved around money and whether you were family or a stranger, no one had the time to be charitable.

eren took the hem of his shirt and wiped away his tears, sniffling as he dragged himself up to go back to his room. his eyes once again gazing over to the sleeping figure.

a smile tugged on the corner of his lips as he inched closer to the bed, bending down to her eye level as he took note of her features once again. he could never get tired of looking at her, she was an angel to say the least.

the way her bangs would occasionally fall on her eyes, soft pale cheeks that would turn into a rosy shade whenever he managed to fluster her, plump lips that eren would always ponder about kissing as he would kiss her over and over again as many times as she would want him to and her beautiful eyes. her hazel brown eyes that would become a shade lighter in the sun, looking up at him with the purest look ever.

she was his little angel.

eren could feel a second wave of tears threatening to spill from his eyes, but he sucked them back in, not wanting the wet drops to fall and awaken her. he leaned over, pressing a delicate kiss on her forehead before giving her a sad smile.

i'll see you later my love.

the words in his head already sounded painful enough, as eren never thought about the day where he would have to tell such a tragic goodbye to his one and only. but deep down, he knew that he wasn't for her.

she deserved someone better, someone whom she could strongly lean on without any fear. and to his dismay, he was a coward.

he walked towards his dressing table and took a hold of the music box, smiling at the small gift which he held dear to his heart. with clammy and shaky hands, he opened his drawer as he gulped harshly.

i'm so sorry, y/n.

---

y/n woke up, a smile on her face as she stretched out her limbs. life felt good, she's finally found the purpose to keep moving forwards. she was happy to embark her new journey with eren, the love of her life.

speaking of eren, where was he?

the girl opened her eyes, looking over to the side only to be left disappointed as the brunet was nowhere to be seen.

maybe he was in the living room.

she assured herself, sliding out of the covers as her feet shuffled against the wooden floor, creaking a bit. y/n noticed that the music box that she gave him wasn't on the dressing table as she furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.

the hell was going on?

she wondered as she began to search all the rooms in hopes of bumping into the beautiful boy.

"eren?" y/n called out, but a response wasn't heard as the silence of the house was almost too loud for her ears. the atmosphere began to thicken, her heart racing in panic as she couldn't find eren anywhere.

she sat on the sofa, trying to think of some solution on where he might be. the first place that she could think of was the park as maybe he went there for a stroll, but the park was closed today since the summer festival took place last night.

it's worth a shot.

she thought to herself as she opened the main door, locking it behind as she began to walk to the park. it wasn't a long distance, pretty nearby, if she'd say so herself. the neighborhood was pretty quiet around here as people were still at home right now.

y/n silently prayed to find the boy under the cherry blossom tree, sitting down while leaning against it as he listened to his music.

she finally reached the park, jumping over the gated entrance as she began to walk in. she really hoped to find eren here as she committed something kind of illegal just now.

as she walked up the hill, she noticed a figure in the distance as she squinted her eyes to get a better look.

"eren?" she called out to him once again and the head turned towards her direction this time, looking over to her face. as y/n got closer, she was able to make out the familiar features of the gorgeous boy.

"y/n? you came." eren whispered to himself, wishing that she never came out to look for him.

"the hell are you doing here? i was so worried that you left without a word!" y/n scolded the boy as she continued to walk forwards, only to stop in her tracks in horror.

there she noticed eren's teary face as his nose was red, beautiful tealish green eyes glossing with salty tears as his right hand held a gun.

"eren? what's wrong with you, why do you have that?" she stammered in panic as she pointed a shaky finger to the hand holding the gun, feeling the rush of bile as the sight was already terrifying enough to make her vomit.

"y/n, i need you to go back home. please." eren begged, but this time it was y/n's turn to spill her tears as her hands came up to her hair to grip it in frustration.

"answer my damn question, eren!" she screamed as she walked closer to him, her feet halting as she could hear the tune of the music box playing. it was laying open on the ground near his feet.

"i don't wanna die, y/n. i'm so scared, so scared to let go. but, i can't do this anymore. i've lost everyone in my life, i let them slip away from my fingers and i'm afraid to watch you slip away from me too. you don't deserve to live with someone like me, you deserve better, my little angel." he cried out, pointing the gun to his temple as he watched the love of his life crumble in front of him.

"please! please don't do this to me, eren. i can't let you go, you promised me that we'd heal together, remember?" y/n sobbed, watching her one and only ready to let go of his life in mere seconds with the pull of a trigger.

"i can't be healed, y/n. i can't heal what's already been broken too many times. which is why i need you to let me go." eren said with a sad smile while his tears rolled down his cheeks, his finger so close to pulling the trigger but he stopped as soon as she heard his words.

one last request.

"let me feel you for one last time. please, eren." she pleaded, looking at him with red tear filled eyes as she choked back on her words. he let out a heavy sigh and nodded, still not moving the gun away from the side of his head.

y/n took heavy steps towards him, feeling like she could pass out any moment. all she wanted to do was run up to him and smack the deadly weapon out of his hands, but she was afraid. she was scared that any sudden movement of hers may lead to eren impulsively pulling the trigger, which is why she was trying to remain as calm and gentle as she possibly could.

now she stood in front of him, the special person in her life, no-

the only person in her life.

"eren, please listen to me." y/n breathed out, carefully letting a hand caress the side of his face before cupping his wet cheek. the boy violently trembled under her touch, shaking his head.

"please, don't do this to me right now, y/n. i have to do this." eren tried to sternly say, but his voice broke towards the end, his heart tugging and breaking into pieces as he watched the girl beg him to stop.

"no you don't! we're soulmates, aren't we? you're my other half and i'm your other half, we're one. we're meant to be, eren. let's just go home and live eren, live like last night until we can't anymore. please eren, let's just go home!" y/n weeped, clutching onto his shirt as she could feel her vision becoming blurry within each second.

her hand moved to the gun, body shivering from touching the cold metal as her fingers met with his index finger, the same finger that was on the trigger.

"my little angel, why are you crying? we'll meet again, over and over again so often that you'll get tired of seeing me. have you forgotten what we wrote on our lantern? no matter which life i enter next, we'll bump into each other and fall in love all over again. this isn't goodbye." eren softly spoke, his free hand delicately grabbing her hand that was on the trigger, bringing it to his wet cheek once again before he turned his face to place a kiss on the ring he gave her last night.

"eren, please! i beg you, please don't do this to me! i love you, i love you so much that it hurts. i'd do anything for you. anything!" the girl desperately begged once more but eren was strong on his feet, his decision was final.

"i'm so sorry, my love. i love you so much, so much that i'd give you the moon and all the stars. we'll meet again my love, in another life and in another dream. i'll be waiting for you, y/n." he whispered to her before planting a loving kiss on her trembling lips, making her eyes go wide as she watched him give her one last smile as he knew how much she loved his smile.

"eren, no!" y/n cried out as she tried to hastily grab the gun out of his hand, but it was too late. the shots were fired, a sound so loud that it was piercing through the quiet atmosphere.

his eyes rolled back as she heard him choke on air while the bullet went through his head, falling forwards as she quickly caught his heavy figure, not wanting him to hit the cold hard ground. eren's head was buried in her neck as y/n felt like her knees would collapse any moment now.

"e-eren...?" y/n stuttered out as her blood ran cold, already knowing that he was long gone but she refused to accept it.

how could he leave her in this world all alone? this was supposed to be their world, a world created only for the two of them to live in.

but now, y/n was all alone again.

she felt her t-shirt becoming drenched with the crimson red liquid as eren's blood profusely poured out of the side of his head. the mourning girl clutched onto her dead lover tightly, sobbing as she tried to take in his scent one last time.

unable to hold her strength any longer, y/n fell to her knees as she dragged the lifeless body along with her, laying eren on the soft grass under the cherry blossom tree. the grass and fallen cherry blossom flowers beneath them now becoming stained with his blood.

the music box continued to play the tune of his favorite song, as y/n cried in the palm of her hands.

"why eren? why did you leave me all alone after so much has happened between us? come back! please, come back and smile at me once more. tell me that all of this is just a bad dream, i need you to wake me up. i need you to be here with me, eren! i need you, do you hear me?!" y/n frantically yelled at the cold lifeless body on the ground, shaking it back and forth as she begged and demanded the dead boy to come back to life.

the world could be so beautiful yet so cruel. this was the harsh reality as the most messed up thing that the universe could do, is make two people who are destined for each other meet at the wrong time.

but y/n has had enough of the world playing such cards on her, she was tired of being abandoned and waiting for better times. and when she finally had everything in her life settled, she lost everything in a matter of seconds.

"i won't make you wait too long for me, eren. i'm ready to meet you again." the girl whispered as she stroked his pale face before a pair of shaky hands scrambling on the grass around eren's head to grasp the gun.

her hands trembled as she placed the cold metal against her chest, taking deep shallow breaths as her breathing was becoming erratic. she looked down to see eren, his face seemed so peaceful, almost as if he was sleeping.

"let's meet again, eren. in another life and in another dream." and with the being said, y/n gulped harshly before pulling the trigger, a sharp pain piercing through her chest. she clutched on the area, tears streaming down her face as she tried to smile at the lifeless body below her.

y/n collapsed on top of eren, his shirt now becoming stained with her blood as she coughed up blood, spitting it out to the side. with the remaining strength in her body, she lifted herself up, bellowing in agonizing pain as she struggled to breathe.

drops of her salty tears began to fall on his porcelain face as she leaned down, pressing one last loving kiss on his cold lips before placing her head on his chest. she tried to listen for a heartbeat but there wasn't any.

instead, her ears were filled with the sweet melody playing in the background. eren's favorite song, the song that the both of them would listen to during many nights together.

je te laisserai des mots.

"sleep well, my love." she whispered, feeling her chest tighten as her air supply continued to run low as she grimaced in pain.

y/n continued to listen to the melody, feeling her breathing slow down as her vision was blurring out, her body feeling like it was coming up with a harsh fever while it trembled.

i'm coming to you, eren.

she thought one last time before her eyes fluttered closed, all movements coming to a stop. the both of them laid lifelessly under the cherry blossom tree while the soft pink petal continued to fall on top of them, as their crimson red blood stained the petals beneath.

this is where everything started and where everything came to an end.

[oosahwtf]

After a 6 month hiatus from reading I have finally returned with the novel Juniper and Thorn by Ava Reid. My friend @zxromance and I recently started doing a book club to help me get back into reading and writing more and Juniper and Thorn was the first book I chose. That being said, many of the thoughts and opinions I share in this report are taken from the notes and discussion between @zxromance and I so I would like to credit him for his contribution to my overall take away from this novel. Before I get into it I would also like to state THERE ARE MAJOR SPOILERS in this report and if you read the description of this novel and think it’s something you might be interested in reading please read the novel and come back to this. 

Juniper and Thorn by Ava Reid is a gothic horror fantasy novel that is a retelling of The Juniper Tree from Grimm’s Fairy Tales. I would like to mention there are trigger warnings on this book for child S.A., S.A., cannibalism, self mutilation, body dysmorphia, eating disorders, child abuse, abuse, and general body horror. I will say, when I saw those trigger warnings I was nearly scared off from reading this book all together but I believe the author handled these topics gracefully and it was a pretty easy read all things considered. I did struggle a bit in the beginning with not understanding what a lot of the words meant, as to be expected in a fantasy novel, but with a little bit of googling it was a much smoother read after the first couple of chapters. 

I think one of my favorite aspects of this book that I kept coming back to is how perfectly it captures the cycle of abuse and how it affects people's behaviors and decisions. One example of this is how Marlinchen keeps returning to her father instead of just leaving. I know as a survivor of abuse that this is so common to return to these situations out of comfort and fear of the unknown, especially if this is all you’ve ever known. Marlinchen is also so scared of her abuser that she believes he has a lot more power over her than he actually does. You see this when she believes that he can make these potions that he isn’t actually capable of creating and he threatens her with a lot of things he never actually does. It is common once you escape abuse that you realize how small your abuser actually is. Another example of how well this novel shows  abuse is the relationship between Sevastyan and Derukach. Not only is there sexual abuse but also financial abuse. Their relationship also shows how abusers put up the facade of kindness when met with the possibility of their victim leaving the situation. This is also shown of course between Marlinchen and her father when she returns after running away. I think another very accurate and important way that this novel depicts abuse is through Marlinchen’s sisters. Both Undine and Rosenrot were insufferable yet their characters showed perfectly the effects that the cycle of abuse has on people. They were both doing what they could do to survive and their negative behaviors were learned behaviors from their abuser, which is how the cycle of abuse is so often continued. Overall, I love how well written and accurate this part of the book is. It seems to be most of my book report but it is a consistent and constant theme in this novel. 

Now since I got through the darker topics I’m going to get into my lighter hearted thoughts about the novel. Why is Marlinchen falling in love with this man immediately when all he’s done is look pretty and be an alcoholic? Because it’s a fairy tale of course. Honestly as someone who got married after knowing someone for a month when I was 18, super relatable content. It’s definitely accurate behavior for someone who is just now going out and experiencing the world and love for the first time. I would also like to add that against my will for this entire novel I could only picture Marlinchen as Taissa Farmiga in American Horror Story season one and Sevastyan as early 20s Tom Felton. A couple things that irked me through this whole novel were how often Marlinchen calls herself ugly and how annoying Sevastyan’s flirting was. I will say Marlinchen’s body image issues were very accurate to how someone’s brain would work when being abused this heavily but I got very tired of her being like “but I’m ugly” all the time. Sevastyan’s behavior was honestly just time period appropriate but still annoying. Their sex scene on broken glass was kinky enough that I’ll let all of that slide. 

Overall, an amazing novel and so much more than I was expecting out of a fantasy novel honestly. 

[negative-speedforce]

Dysmorphia - A Laila x Athena ficlet

Content Warnings: Body dysmorphia, mentioned disordered eating, mentioned underage sexual relationships

"Athena, what are you doing?" Laila walked into her and Athena's shared bedroom, seeing her girlfriend staring into the mirror in her underwear, pinching and pulling at various parts of her body.

"Is it just me, or have I gained weight?" Athena turned towards Laila. "Might skip lunch today. Maybe dinner. Can't pack on too much weight."

"I haven't noticed." Laila replied. "Just let it go. You look fine."

"No, I can't." Athena sighed, turning back towards the mirror. "When I look in the mirror, all I see is her. The little street rat who crawled out of the sewers."

"You're not, Athena." Laila grabbed Athena's arm, forcing the taller woman to look her in the eyes. "You're so much more than that to me-"

"Look at me, Laila!" Athena's crisp Core accent all but vanished as she gestured to herself. "All this? It's fake! All of it! My face, my tits, my waist, my voice? It's all fake! It's all plastic and a shit-ton of credits! I completely recreated myself just to leave her behind, but she's all I see when I look in the mirror."

"Maybe she's what you see in the mirror... because you are her?" Laila touched Athena's face. Athena flinched away slightly, self-loathing driving her away from Laila's touch. "You're so strong, darling. You've been through so much. But I can't see you like this. You're destroying yourself. I fell for the real you. Not the image you put up for others."

Athena wrapped her arms around herself. "My greatest fear is that one day you're going to see me the way I see myself, and you're going to leave."

"But what if you're wrong?"

"What?"

"What if the way you see yourself is wrong?"

Athena narrowed her eyes. "I don't follow."

"What if you hate yourself so much that you can't see the real you?"

"Do you think I haven't tried all that 'self-love' crap?" Athena scoffed. "If it was that simple, you and I wouldn't be having this conversation right now. It doesn't work. It's useless. I'm hideous, you and I both know that."

"I'm so tired, Athena." Laila pleaded. "Do you know how hard it is to watch you starve yourself half to death? To have to watch you struggle to heal from the near-constant surgeries? The augmentations, the reductions- it's all a load of shit! You're fine, Athena! I know you don't see it, but you are the single most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on. You're terrifying, and magnificent and... I just can't take it. You're hurting yourself, and you're hurting me."

"Don't make this about you, Laila." Athena rolled her eyes. "I need to be beautiful, because what am I if I'm not? What am I worth, if I'm not beautiful?"

"You're smart, you're funny, you're powerful- and you're really fucking rich, to say the least."

"And all because I was beautiful." Athena stared at her reflection in the mirror. "Do you know how an orphaned, illiterate child managed to get into the most prestigious university on Serreno? I had no money, no education, no family. But I was fifteen, and I was beautiful. I gave the dean what he wanted, and in return... he gave me a future."

"You shouldn't have had to do that."

"I know. But I made my choice. If I hadn't, I'd still be, well, nothing. He's dead now." Athena closed her eyes for a moment, clenching her fists. "He's never going to do that to another girl again."

"Good riddance." Laila nodded. "You've been through so much, and you're still so strong. You're enough as you are. You don't have to change everything for me."

"But-"

"No buts." Laila was adamant. "You're strong, cunning, badass, and honestly the only person in this galaxy who I more than vaguely tolerate. I know you don't feel like it now, but let me show you just how beautiful you are to me. Please."

"Are you offering me 'feel better' sex?" Athena raised an eyebrow.

"Not specifically, but if that's what you want...?"

"You know what? I'll take it. Maybe it'll help clear my head."

"Fine." Laila nodded. "But lunch first. No more starving yourself to look pretty. I'll even make sure it's extra healthy for you."

Athena shook her head and laughed. "Sometimes I wonder if you really are as evil as you say you are."

[tenaflyviper]

Christmas Horror Films Part 2: Films from 2016 to Upcoming Releases

The 12 Slays of Christmas (2022)

13 Slays Till X-mas (2020)

The Advent Calender (2021)

All the Creatures Were Stirring (2018)

American Exorcist (2018)

Amityville Christmas Vacation (2022)

Anna and the Apocalypse (2017) 🎅👌

Another Wolfcop (2016)

The Apology (2022)

Await Further Instructions (2018) 😺👍(WARNING: Child abuse, domestic violence, child birth, some racist characters (though it's part of the plot), some flashing lights, and body dysmorphia)

Better Watch Out (2017) 😺👍 (WARNING: Child abuse and sexual assault)

Black Christmas (2019) 😺👍 (WARNING: Sexual assault, gaslighting, misogynistic characters)

Black Friday (2021)

Black Santa (2023)

Cannibal Claus (2016) 🍻

The Chicken Party (2018)

Christmas Apparition (2018)

Christmas Blood (aka Juleblod) (2017) (WARNING: Drug/alcohol abuse, child death, vomit, mental institution scene)

Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022)

Christmas Craft Fair Massacre (2022)

Christmas Slasher (in post-production)

Christmas Presence (2018)

The Christmas Tapes (2022)

Christmas with Cookie (2016)

Christmas Zombies (2020)

Cold Wind Blowing (2022)

The Conjuring 2 (2016) 😺👍(WARNING: Single use of a lesbophobic slur)

A Creature Was Stirring (2023)

Creatures (2021)

Dead by Christmas (2018) 🦃

Deathcember (2019) (WARNING: Graphic child abuse (in claymation, but still), incest, sexual assault, and self-harm)

The Elf (2017)

Elves (2018) 🦃 (WARNING: Staged animal cruelty)

The Fright Before Christmas (2020)

The Fright Before Christmas 2 (2023)

Good Tidings (2016) 🎅👌

Giftwrapped and Gutted (2019)

Hanukkah (2020) (Free to stream on the Dark Matter TV app)

Happy Horror Days (2020)

He Knows (2022)

Hellblazers (2022)

Hell on the Shelf (2021)

Holiday Hell (2019) 😺👍(WARNING: Child abuse, sexual assault, one lesbophobic slur)

Holidays (2016) (WARNING: Child abuse, sexual assault, self-harm, and other potentially upsetting content)

Hosts (2020)

I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsday (2017)

Inside (2016) (WARNING: Staged animal cruelty, and other potentially upsetting content)

Into the Dark: A Nasty Piece of Work (2019)

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear (2020)

It Cuts Deep (2020)

I Trapped the Devil (2019)

It's a Wonderful Knife (2023)

Jack Frost (2022)

Killer Christmas (2017)

Killer Christmas 2 (in development)

Killer Christmas Elves (2021)

Killer Raccoons 2: Dark Christmas in the Dark (2020)

The Killing Tree (2022)

Krampus Origins (2018) 🦃

Krampus: The Return (2022)

Krampus 2: The Devil Returns (2016) 🦃

Krampus Unleashed (2016) 🦃

Krampus vs Bigfoot (2021)

Lake Alice (2017)

The Lodge (2019)

Massacre on Aisle 12 (2016)

The Mean One (2022)

The Melancholy Fantastic (2011; 2016) 🎅👌

Mercy Christmas (2017) 🎅👌

Mistletoe Massacre (2022)

Mother Krampus (2017) 🎁

Mother Krampus 2: Slay Ride (2018) 🦃

Mrs. Claus (2018) 🦃

Nekrotronic (2018)

Nightmare on 34th Street (2023)

Night of the Missing (2023)

The Nights Before Christmas (2019)

Nutcracker Massacre (2022)

Once Upon a Time at Christmas (2017)

Portal Runner (2021)

Psycho Santa 2 (2022)

Red Christmas (2016) 🎁

Red Snow (2021)

The Sacrifice Game (2023)

Santa Isn't Real (2023)

Santa Jaws (2018)

Santastein (2023)

The Santa Suicides (2019)

Secret Santa (2018) 🎅👌😺👍(WARNING: Vomiting, gaslighting, ableist behavior and use of the r-slur, necrophilia, fatshaming, mention of incest)

Shelved (2016)

Sick for Toys (2018) 🎁 (WARNING: Deals with issues like Stockholm Syndrome, incest, and sexual assault against men)

Silent Night (2021)

Silent Night, Dead Night: A New Christmas Carol (2016)

Sister Krampus (2021)

Slay Belles (2018) 🎁

Slayed (2020)

Stuffings (2021)

Terrifier 3 (set to release in theaters in October, 2024)

Toys of Terror (2020)

Ugly Sweater Party (2018)

Unholy Night (2019)

Vikings VS Krampus (aka Pagan Warrior) (2019)

Violent Night (2022)

Weredeer (2021)

Werewolf Santa (2023)

XX (2017) (WARNING: Drug abuse, eating disorder, suggested off-screen abuse of a dog by a child, and a dead squirrel is shown)

XXX-MAS (2023)

The Yearly Harvest (2020)

Yule Log (2023)

Yuletide Horror (documentary, in production)

Zombie Elves (In Development)

For films from 1901-2015 (plus an explanation of the ratings, and further resources) please see:

Christmas Horror Films, Part 1

[irritatednick]

Your Bullying Doesn't Reveal Our "Hypocrisy": The Body Positivity Backlash, The Scourge of Healthism, and Why Our Language Around Fat is Really Dumb

I wrote this on my WordPress blog 2 years ago and I wanted to share it elsewhere. ...Enjoy?

Content Warning for fat talk, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and infamous bigot Matt Walsh.

I happened to come across asshole Matt Walsh’s video about his perceived hypocrisy of body positivity activists and it’s so strawman-y it’s ridiculous. Now, I kinda didn’t know who Walsh was before this, but after a Google I found out he’s offered many inflammatory hot takes about a bunch of people, including trans people and sex workers, so his fat prejudice is less surprising.

The description for Matt Walsh’s YouTube video The Body Positivity Movement Is Confused (I’m not linking it; search for it if you must) reads:

”According to the Left, you are not allowed to criticize the fact that Americans are coming out of COVID lockdown with some extra pounds, despite it being objectively unhealthy. This doesn’t quite add up given that the body positivity movement tells us we are supposed to be proud of being heavier.”

Wow. FUN.

I felt compelled to watch the video to get more context for this claim, and I ended up watching the whole damn thing. Nine minutes of pure joy. Anyway, Walsh’s issue seems to be with MSM articles for having the audacity to condemn fat shaming toward people who became fatter during COVID-19 shutdowns. If this is his understanding – that Leftists are against criticizing people for getting fatter in the pandemic – then to me it makes perfect sense that BOPO activists, who are “proud of being heavier”, would… not like it? Perhaps Walsh is conflating overt criticism of peoples’ fat with any acknowledgement of fat gain. It should be obvious to him, and to anyone, that if you think "big is beautiful" then you would not like people telling you your fat gain is wrong or bad.

I think what he means though is that simply being told you’re fatter is seen as triggering, and that such a trigger doesn’t square with BOPO. I find it hard to believe that most people who want to have a chat about your fatter body are just making a neutral observation, or that the reason they bring it up at all isn’t because they’ve been conditioned to “watch out” for fat. But this whole thing is a straw man that is contingent upon the second part of the video description, the idea that BOPO equates to fat pride. Someone who is proud of having a fat body likely won’t bat an eye if someone close to them mentions they've gained weight. But fat acceptance / body neutrality covers a range of body beliefs, from “get fatter if you want to because we have body autonomy” to “be considerate because fat growth happens outside of your control whether you like it or not”. Admittedly, body-neutral people may not want to hear any comments about their fat, because it reminds them about their continued discrimination or because, unlike the fat-proud, they believe your fat size/shape is a neutral descriptor and shouldn’t indicate anything about your worth or your personality. Still, this idea that even fat-proud people had oughtn’t even be shaken up by CRITICISM for their fat is really ignorant – that being triggered would necessarily mean that they “know deep down” that they don’t want to be fat, and not that… you know… having past and continued experience of discrimination for your fatness doesn’t still suck even if you otherwise like your fat body.

But Matt Walsh’s beef with body positivity isn’t really about hypocrisy. He rejects the premise outright that we should give fat people a break, and the first reason he gives is that, well, he thinks it’s unfair. Walsh doesn’t think it’s a given that just being confined to your neighborhood is enough of an “excuse” to let yourself become fatter. He said he and others exercised plenty during the shutdown and that he’s in better shape than when it began; people actually shame him for “bragging” about his pandemic fitness progress. He is appalled that feeling good about his own accomplishments can be perceived as a microaggression, and he’s not about to use any social discretion to protect people’s feelings. He goes on to say that in his experience, he’s been in and out of shape, and that some embarrassment is appropriate when you fatten up. It’s “motivating”. Similar to what I’ve heard from self-hating fat people, Walsh claims to know what it feels like to be fatter and unfit. He believes the social narrative that you should “fix” these things with your own hands; to do so demonstrates good moral character. But people like Walsh believe your health is chiefly a “personal responsibility”, so if he has to work hard at fixing his body, he’s not gonna let anyone else off the hook. Unlike actual fat people, however, it is not clear from this video that Walsh’s fears about his body and worth come from the lived experience as a fat person who’s faced the plethora of discrimination that comes with it. It’s not that he drank the Kool-Aid; he is so hard on himself only because fat stigma exists. He doesn’t want to become one of these fat people, to have the fat experience – the kind of experience you can only get from consistent prejudice and discrimination in society and not, as Walsh likely believes, limited to the consequences of your own controllable shortcomings.

Now, Walsh does not “recommend depression and self-loathing” about it. Oh heavens no. He thinks “stewing” and “dwelling” on your embarrassment is bad, sure, but assumes most people should be able to get past it. If you suffer from mental illness, you may have a hard time doing that (this might actually be perseverating). And even if you don’t live with a psychiatric disorder, I think any fat person who endures concern trolling and social exclusion on a daily basis will eventually come to “stew” over their bad bodies. Walsh explicitly states he believes that your fat is something you can and should control, and that being fat is bad for you (though of course he doesn’t specify what metric he’d use to determine who exactly has crossed this fatness threshold). Walsh believes in the “calories in, calories out” model of adiposity – which has faced renewed challenge by researchers – and he takes for granted the idea that a lean (and therefore healthy) body must be EARNED through constant effort, saying:

“The body positivity movement is just one long way around having to go for a jog.”

This assertion implies that we should accept its corollary: if you’re unwilling to put in the effort, you don’t deserve a healthy body. Furthermore, it’s evident from how Walsh talks about fat people that he believes this earned health makes thin people virtuous. As such, fat people must lack virtue.

Toward the end of the video, Walsh gets to his thesis:

”We are… both making excuses for weight gain… and going to great lengths to make sure that people don’t feel bad for their weight gain. And yet at the same time, the body positivity movement tells us that we should be proud of our bodies, no matter their shape… no matter how many extra pounds of lard may be draped over them.”

I so appreciate Walsh’s imagery here. Delicious.

Still, his rhetoric brings together several distinct and important concepts that are integral to fatphobic society all in one convenient clause. Analyzing each word here can illuminate how flawed these concepts are:

Extra When do we consider fat to be extra? Is fat extra in a location, or at some amount? Which locations, and what amount? What is the line between the fat someone needs to be a person and fat that is “bad” for them? I’m not saying you can’t parse that out, or that the answer is NEVER relevant. But you can’t just throw that word around, especially if, ostensibly, we’re concerned about people’s health here. A wrong answer could be deadly. Among other issues, gender policing is afoot. A lot of times, we don’t like where a woman’s fat is located if it makes her look more masculine (e.g., in her belly); we don’t like where a man’s fat is located if it makes him look more feminine (e.g., in his chest).

Pounds We are accustomed to measuring an entire tissue in terms of weight, which is odd because:

A) The weight exerted by your fat tissue is only one factor clinicians need to know in order to determine IF your fat is dysfunctional and, if so, HOW the dysfunction is affecting you. The problem isn’t simply joint stress from having “too much fat” or internal pressure on organs, and even here knowing someone’s weight/BMI won’t tell you if your adipose is messing with your insides (e.g., if you have fatty liver disease or sleep apnea). That’s because – and if you knew about the science of adipose you’d know this – skin fat takes the lipid burden away from visceral fat, and if this subcutaneous organ isn’t doing its job, you’ll look thinner and weigh less but you'll have diseased fat on the inside, and you may not realize.

B) Adiposity is a feature we mostly notice as a spatial phenomenon – both a dimensional one, like height, and a shape-based one, like sex or age. Yet we don’t usually keep track of our own linear measurements, nor do we solicit others’ (women may take issue with my claim here). As it so happens, if you really want to nitpick about someone’s body, you can measure fatness more directly with tape measure and skin calipers than with a scale. This bias for assessing weight instead of size/shape may be a kind of denial. “Sure you can SEE that I’m fat, but my weight? Who knows!” I think it also ties into how we see fat as transferrable, mobile, and external – not a fixture of our bodies like our muscles and bones. This reductionist conception of the discrete pound, or even the inch, also functions to enforce the notion of fat as an adjustable and isolatable feature of the human body whose sole and exclusive manipulation is both possible and uniquely consequential. Neither of these assertions has good supporting evidence. I recommend Zoe B’s video on nutrition science and the food industry for more info, where she discusses the conceptions of the calorie and the macronutrient and how they’ve been applied.

Lard A double-whammy, this word manages to both ignore the integral, vital, and intractable nature of adipose in favor of its lipid contents, and also reinforce the degrading and partly racist origins of fat stigma by comparing a person to an animal at the same time!

Draped over Yet again, this phrase reinforces the idea that fat is external to the body and both concealing and restraining. Fat is something you wear, not something you have. The “real you” is inside.

Walsh says people want “pity” for their “obesity”, but they still want to “celebrate” it. And he sees this as a logical contradiction, as hypocrisy. He concludes the video by urging fat people to solicit pity – even though he doesn’t think fat people deserve pity – for their own sake.

Because, you know, he cares.

He’d rather them feel entitled and claim to be victims than deny that “being obese is a bad thing”. Passionate fat-enthusiasts may want to “celebrate” fatness. Though they almost certainly don’t want your pity. Even still (scratching my head, dumbfounded here) you surely CAN hold the view that your body is beautiful FOR being fat – or even believe only people who are fat can be beautiful – and also acknowledge the fucked-up ways fat people are treated by a society that wants to keep them down. You can absolutely hold the belief that experiencing fat discrimination does not necessarily mean your fat is diseased or unhealthy, and still call out discrimination against your body type.

Thanks for reading everyone. If anyone vibes, let me know.

[thehipovercor]

Ooohooh my gosh? Oh it hit me, I just figured out why my beloved long lady Emilia is afraid of being Falsum. Good grief Emmy, you need your therapist to dig a little deeper. I'm gonna do a little 3 AM writing here, probably a lil melodramatic but I gotta jot it down before I forget or lose parts of it. My sincerest apologies if there are any upsetting sentiments and I will gladly listen to corrective feedback.

Content warning: Mentions of Disordered Eating and Body Dysmorphia

So. I don't think anyone who's familiar with Emilia isn't aware she's uhhh lanky. Long. Upsettingly thin, yeah. Current canonical time, 2023, she's a convenient 23 and has about seven more years to go before she's an adult Cor. I like to mess with the timeline to explore all the options and life stages a Cor goes through so of course I've played with her as a full-fledged Cor a few times. Throughout the pre- and post-rebirth, she's been terrified of being Falsum and she hates the gray body. She's been comfortable with other Corda, such as Tom and his BF, but the idea of being some thing other than what she's used to seeing frightens her.

Corda themselves are a metaphorical thing, but unlike Tom's thing being transgender or Overcor's being autism, Emmy's is absolutely about body dysmorphia. Has to be. I can't envision her dealing with her romantic identity because she's comfortable being panromantic. She's probably not on the spectrum. She's comfortably cis. But 'O, she can't handle looking at herself as a human, how much worse is it when she's lost a piece of your humanity and become some other, gray creature?

She hatches already crying, although when she's that new it has to be the body's animal whimpering while her telepathy tries to come online. As soon as she can find the strength to sit up she'll see her new arms and go from whimpering to wailing. Tom may be there to help her out but he can't do anything to comfort her besides pull her to her feet and hold her steady. Some other thing has shown up where her person should be. It will take her a couple weeks to put on her old skin and pretend to be normal. It will take months to be able to sync her mouth with her telepathic words how they used to be. She will think her ears are moving when they're not, and the torn piece has grown back. She can see it is she dares to glimpse in a mirror to put a hair clip in.

For a couple years, there will be a gray thing staring at her from across the room, through the mirror. It'll stand there and make eye contact until she tells it to go away. She will feel it behind her anyway.

But oh, One Day. One day she'll sit directly in front of the gray thing and study it. It has her eyes. It has her hands. Its ears are dropped from fear. She'll see it tried to put on her clothes in order to go to work for her today and its face will be asking if it did well enough to pass. She'll look at herself and understand that the thing has been asking for help and she had been ignoring it. Sure, others have offered, but no one can help it in the way she could.

She'll start a long journey with herself, eventually. Some days she'll try to hurt it, some days she'll sit in front of it again until it's her she's looking at.

[hollymbryan]

Blog Tour: Top 5 Reasons to Read WHEN IT ALL SYNCS UP by Maya Ameyaw! #tbrbeyondtours

Welcome to Book-Keeping and my stop on the TBR and Beyond Tours blog + bookstagram tour for When It All Syncs Up by Maya Ameyaw, which is OUT TODAY! I’ve got all the details on this debut YA contemporary for you below, plus my top 5 reasons to read the book!

About the Book

title: When It All Syncs Up author: Maya Ameyaw publisher: Annick Press release date: 6 June 2023

A Black teen dancer with dreams of landing a spot in a prestigious ballet company must learn to dance on her own terms in this explosive debut about the healing power of art and friendship, perfect for fans of Heartstopper and Tiny Pretty Things.

Ballet is Aisha’s life. So when she’s denied yet another lead at her elite academy because she doesn’t “look” the part, she knows something has to change–the constant discrimination is harming her mental health. Switching to her best friend Neil’s art school seems like the perfect plan at first. But she soon discovers racism and bullying are entrenched in the ballet program here, too, and there’s a new, troubling distance between her and Neil. And as past traumas surface, pressure from friends and family, a new romance, and questions about her dance career threaten to overwhelm her. There’s no choreography to follow–for high school or for healing. Aisha will have to find the strength within herself–and place her trust in others–to make her next move.

Content Warning: Brief mention of physical and sexual abuse, on page verbal abuse, racism, colorism, depictions of an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, disassociation/depersonalization, depression and alcohol dependency

Add to Goodreads: When It All Syncs Up Purchase the Book: Amazon | B&N | Bookshop.org

About the Author

Maya Ameyaw worked as a bookseller in college and currently works as a community arts writing instructor. Her contemporary debut WHEN IT ALL SYNCS UP has been awarded grants by the Toronto Arts Council, the Ontario Arts Council and the Canada Council for the Arts.

A deleted excerpt of her upcoming novel is included in the anthology BRILLIANCE IS THE CLOTHING I WEAR, which was featured in Quill and Quire literary magazine.

In her free time, Maya enjoys hanging out with her adorable dwarf rabbit and devouring as many books as possible. She also loves exploring all the bookstores that Toronto has to offer.

Connect with Maya: Website | Twitter | Instagram | Goodreads

Top 5 Reasons to Read

I very much enjoyed this YA contemporary debut from Maya Ameyaw! Below are my top 5 reasons to read this book:

1. It’s all about dance and creativity and putting one’s whole self into one’s art. I was very serious about ballet for about 9 years, until I was injured and couldn’t continue, so I really felt this aspect.

2. I absolutely adore the friendship between Aisha and Neil! I love how it breaks the stereotype that men and women can’t be best friends without it ending up as something romantic.

3. It’s a sensitive portrayal of disordered eating, colorism, racism, microaggressions, anxiety, and dependence on alcohol.

4. It includes the most touching depiction of how a young man deals with the aftermath of sexual assault that I think I’ve ever read (typically we read about young women experiencing this).

5. I love the relationship between Aisha and her father, and the fact that he has always been the strongest and most supportive force in her life. He fights for her every step of the way, even when that means fighting against, and ultimately divorcing, his own wife.

I highly recommend When It All Syncs Up to all YA contemporary fans, especially if you love books about ballet/dance such as Tiny Pretty Things!

Make sure you check out the Bookstagram tour as well! You can find my post here, and the full schedule is here.

[sqaisheyblogarchive]

Blog #16: “Self.” Posted September 19th, 2018.

Content warnings: mentions of anxiety, eating disorders, panic attacks and body dysmorphia.

[rpnewspaperblog]

Body Acceptance Week provides resources on body image

Content Warning: This article contains mentions of eating disorders and body dysmorphia.  Northwestern’s Body Acceptance Week, which ran from Feb. 27 to March 4, offered NU community members a combination of online resources and in-person events, ranging from an eating disorder panel watch party to a ballet class inclusive of all skill levels. Sam Conway, assistant director of mental health…

[dreamiehan]

Pity Party

˚✧₊⁎trigger warning → eating disorder, in depth discussion of anorexia, culture stereotypes, body dysmorphia, exercise addiction, exercise addiction, and in-depth imagery of panic disorder.

stray kids addition au: yiji x stray kids

→ in which yiji realizes her struggles will only get worse before they better

[ yi-an jihae masterlist ] 🎧

_

Skipping a meal or two wasn’t that bad. The boys were all guilty of unhealthy habits in preparation for a come back or schedules that required them to adhere to that idol-esque standard.

Chan, alongside Jisung and Changbin were pretty adamant about working out daily, building up their physique to radiant confidence and of course, a teensy bit of fan service. Hyunjin was more on the mellow end of constantly chasing a runners high, preferring to dabble away in paintings and expressionistic imitations than protein shakes and dumb bells.

The new dorm arrangement was truly ideal. Yiji was able to spend majority of her time working on crafting producing techniques with Chan and Changbin, anytime with Jisung was time well spent albeit in writing and composing three songs in a week or binging the entirety of “Horimiya”, Yiji was at peace in his presence.

Hyunjin was a different narrative. Ever since the five of them had become roommates, separated from the remainder of their members, Hyunjin had become extremely in tune of Yiji and it was unnerving.

In truth, no matter how hard Yiji thought back, she couldn’t place it. Did Hyunjin really see through her that easily or was he simply looking out for her?

Would he tell the others? Would he tell Chan? Would he tell Minho?

It was hard to erase the embarrassing liabilities that came with being the only one to fumble during their promotions for Miroh. Yiji could’ve been stubborn, she could have fought it and voiced her unprecedented opinion as she always did.

She could’ve easily ordered takeout the night before, and gone on a run in the morning. Yet she stood in a silent complacency and accepted defeat, unwavering in the burden of being imperfect.

How can one truly ascertain inspiration when constantly living in the shadow of those around them?

Maybe that’s when it started. When the numbers on a scale became reflective to the fine-china girl in the mirror who bore her insecurities into anorexic tendencies.

At first, it was nothing more than a drop in a few pounds. Yiji could do that, hit the gym twice a day, cut back on a few snacks for a week, on top of the relentless dance practices, surely a few pounds should be no burden. Yet the feeling of stepping on a scale and seeing the numbers, totaling the entirety of your worth as a human being, equating a decrease in numerical value to the birth of instaneous gratification and a non-chalant goal of “if I can lose this, why not lose a couple more?”

The tell-tale of the marionette who whispered horrific atrocities into the deepest depths of Yiji’s mind. A vicious cycle of watching her weight fluctuate after the smallest meal or worse, staying the same after consuming nothing for the entirety of a day.

Tears reveled in her gloomy state as she lay crouched beside the toilet at nearly two in the morning. Chan and the others were at the company working on end of the year projects and Hyunjin was nowhere to be found but Yiji vaguely recalled him mentioning something about being Artist of the Month for October.

Things felt hazy, how long had she been sitting under the fluorescent bathroom lights? A dull nightmare and putrid smell, home to the contents of her nearly empty stomach.

The knock at the door was sudden, Yiji could’ve sworn she imagined it. “Are you going to come out now?”

At that moment, her body froze. The reality she tried so hard to hide was a skip and a door frame from being exposed. “Why did it have to be Hyunjin?” Yiji thought to herself. Were her suspicions true or was his sudden appearance purely happenstance?

Without hesitancy from the pain aching throughout her head, Yiji jumped up from her spot on floor flushing the toilet while simultaneously reaching for the faucet in hopes the running water would drown out her shuffling.

There was no way out of blood-shot tear stained eyes, shaded in non-water proof mascara. Her hands were shaky and hesitant upon reaching for the door but she was once again, backed into a corner within the confines of her mind.

And Yiji hated that feeling.

Things between Hyunjin and Yiji were that of two silent souls in adoration of each other, gravitating towards one another’s auras but hesitant in getting too close.

Maybe it was the internalized projection of Yiji comparing herself to her god-sent group member. Hyunjin was perfect, he was attractive, too attractive to the point of a scene stealer who’s presence is the focal point of a crowd. An artist, in more ways than one, a story-teller through movement, exemplifying the personification of emotions or reconstructing a canvas into blossomed colors of abstract interpretations.

How does one go about defining perfection anyways..? A term coined by the ever-changing outward perception of the public. Yiji always felt a looming emptiness under the beauty standards gaze.

She didn’t hate Hyunjin, she couldn’t even if she wanted to.

He was selfless and kind. Hyunjin cared too much behind his quiet gazes and half-crescent eye smiles. He always had looked out Yiji but in hopes to tune out her internal conflict, she pushed him away.

If the theory of behavior claims that not every individual was born inherently good, it did not apply Hyunjin. Falling victim to envy is easy when you are constantly subjected to others who have things you could only dream of. It was an ugly emotion but it was human and unfortunately, all of which are flawed.

“Since when?” Hyunjin questioned, his stare burning holes into her broken figure.

He knew, of course he did.

“You’re back early, I thought you had a block session with the choreographers tonight?” Yiji side-eyed, debating on whether or not she slip past his stature.

Hyunjin rarely ever got upset in a way that would alter the emotional space of those around him but Yiji knew she was on thin ice when he slammed his fist into the door frame.

“Don’t Yi-An”, Hyunjin broke, voice cracking through anger and grief. The love-stay boy was always quick to feel with his heart. “Look at you Sunny.. you’re shaking.”

Was this pity or genuine concern? Yiji couldn’t tell but she was tired. Exhausted from holding it all in and asphyxiated hands of guilt constricting around her neck.

“I’m sorry Hyunjin, I am sorry”, she sobbed, repeatedly vocalizing the two words as she crumpled back onto the tile floor. “I’m sorry.”

There it was. The true Yi-An, cascaded in remnants of the little girl who was 21 at 13 and somehow carried the weight of the world on her shoulders at 24.

Hyunjin was hesitant in placing his hands on Yiji for comfort. He wanted to, he really wanted to, but he didn’t want to agitate her panicked state.

Completely unaware of her own actions, Yiji had placed Hyunjin’s hands on her shoulders, confession spilling from her lips. “Since our first win, remember when I collapsed on staged?”

Shivers tore through Hyunjin’s being, wishing he could erase the unrulyl sight of her limp body unconscious on stage.

“I was so happy after that, I had finally reached my goal.. everyone in the company, the stylists, our fans.. they were so pleased of the porcelain doll I had managed to become”.

“Suddenly I was pretty”.

Her words curated ink blots within Hyunjin’s heart. Though careful, he gently pulled her foreword, lulling her intensity by combing his fingers through her air.

“Sunny you are the most beautiful person I have ever laid my eyes on”, Hyunjin whispered through his own tears. “There is no crime in being unapologetically you”.

“Oh, so now you’re a dancer, an artist, and a poet?” She pulled back from his embrace, trying to crack a smile through her stained glass presence.

Hyunjin giggled in response, “And as far as fans go, you know anyone who speaks poorly of you is no fan of ours”.

After a brief moment of silence had passed, Yiji stood up to splash water on her face and Hyunjin followed suit as her figure wobbled.

Once she was comfortable, the two sat nestled into the couch watching a re-run of a drama the both of them had seen too many times before.

“Can I ask you a favor?” Yiji spoke suddenly.

“Anything”.

“Please don’t tell Minho about this, or any of the boys really”.

Hyunjin scrunched up his face at her request, pausing the TV to sit up right. “Since when do you care about that Minho thinks?”

Yiji was too quick to deter the question, “Since when do you care about I think?”

At her response, Hyunjin lightly scoffed, watching as the sunny dancer struggled to hide her smile before redirecting her attention.

“What do you even know?”

[bobateastay]

ateez masterlist includes all members! taglist form can be found here!

multiple members

ateez as encouraging words: no cw, just encouraging advice/words

still trying (ot8 x gender neutral!reader): trigger warning for disordered behaviours, trigger warning for repetition, implied eating disorder, angst (please do not read if these topics trigger you)

safe & sound (ot8 x gender neutral!reader): angst, hurt/comfort, fluff at the very end, reader has a mental breakdown, mentions of medication, hospitals and knives, can be read as platonic or romantic

ateez + s/o s*lf-h*rming (gender neutral!reader): [includes seonghwa, yeosang, san and wooyoung] reactions, angst, hurt/comfort, discussions of blood, injury and self harm - please do not read if such topics will trigger you

apologies (park seonghwa, choi san x gender neutral!reader): poly, hurt/comfort, fluff, implied anxiety attack

dizzy (jeong yunho, song mingi x gender neutral!reader): poly, fluff, mild hurt/comfort

monster energy girl (jeong yunho, song mingi x fem!reader): college!au, poly, fluff, crack, non-sexual nudity

summer heat (kang yeosang-centric, no reader, ot8): angst, hurt/no comfort, nightmares, blood (includes blood pacts), vomit, animal death/collection of animal remains, mentions of death and various illnesses, implied agoraphobia

kim hongjoong

lucky (gender neutral!reader): fluff, angst, body dysmorphia, scars (not self harm related), reader’s body and weight is not described!

tired (gender neutral!reader): fluff, tired hongjoong

back outside (gender neutral!reader): non-idol au, ot8 interaction, angst(?), implied anxiety/agoraphobia

fishbowl (kim hongjoong-centric, no reader): angst-ish, mentions of ot8

healing (gender neutral!reader): fluff, hurt/comfort, dermatillomania/skin picking disorder (not the same as self-harm), platonic ot8

recycling (fem!reader): childhood best friend + flatmate!hongjoong, reminiscent of sexual abuse/possibly triggering, angst, hurt/comfort, implied sexual content, mentions of an ex, toxic relationship

growing pains (kim hongjoong-centric, feat. fem!reader): angst, takes place after reader’s death, hongjoong has a son

low on gas (gender neutral!reader): non-idol!au, angst, slight hurt/comfort, implied past abuse

5:39pm (gender neutral!reader): hurt/comfort, words of encouragement

sugar, spice and coffee with ice (gender neutral!reader): bakery!au, fluff, sickfic/comfort, co-workers san + mingi

the sea is a good place (kim hongjoong-centric, no reader, ot8): angst, hurt/comfort, burnout, briefly implied suicidal ideation, swearing, lots of affection

does this look like an 800 number to you? (gender neutral!reader): spirit!hongjoong, angst, implied suicide (do not read if such topics will trigger you), mild description of wounds

unwavering (gender neutral!reader): fluff/comfort, reader has trichotillomania/hair pulling disorder

new traditions (gender neutral!reader): flatmate!kim hongjoong, fluff, confessions

sweet summer (gender neutral!reader): 90s!au, hitchhiker!reader, fluff

park seonghwa

plastic flowers (fem!reader): smut, fluff, angst, unplanned pregnancy, discussion of abortions, ot8 interaction

cinderella (fem!reader): plastic flowers spin-off, fluff, domestic, feat. platonic jung wooyoung + reader

poetry (gender neutral!reader): light angst(?), fluff, established relationship, childhood bestfriend!seonghwa

yellow label (gender neutral!reader): flatmate!seonghwa, angst, hurt/very little comfort, implied past abuse

scraped knees (gender neutral!reader): bartender!seonghwa, fluff, lots of fluff, pick up lines

slipping (gender neutral!reader): hurt/comfort, established relationship, disordered behaviours (disorder not otherwise specified), mentions of past disorders/illness

observatories (fem!reader): fansign, fluff

closing curtain (fem!reader): angst, established relationship, reader + seonghwa have a daughter, alcohol mention, mentions of divorce

lose some, win some (fem!reader): platonic relationship, sexual content, loss of virginity, homosexual park seonghwa + homosexual reader, fluff(?)/humour

orange flavoured (gender neutral!reader): college-ish!au, fluff, sickfic, comfort

bloody tissues (gender neutral!reader): fluff, nose bleed

soft (gender neutral!reader): 80s!au, somewhere in between fluff and angst, physical violence

keep looking (gender neutral!reader): villain!seonghwa, journalist!reader, slow-ish burn, murder/crime, angst, uneven power dynamics, feat. san

jeong yunho

band aids (fem!reader): hurt/comfort, angst, sexual content but little smut, minor fluff, yunho has a big dick, insecurities

kiss it better (gender neutral!reader): sickfic, fluff, lots of comfort, established relationship, crying, puke, reader has food poisoning, other members make an appearance

phases (male!reader): college!au, fluff

take my hand (gender neutral!reader): angst + hurt/comfort, references to a past abusive relationship

kang yeosang

cheating is a crime (fem!reader): implied college au, flatmate!yeosang, angst, smut, fluff, cheating (does not involve Yeosang), brief mention of vomit, mentions of alcohol

the five times he was too scared to kiss you and the one time he did (gender neutral!reader): high school & college!au, best friends to lovers, ‘99 line interaction, brief mention of insecurities, fluff

study group (gender neutral!reader): college!au, mild hurt/comfort, fluff(?), 99z friend group

sinking ships (gender neutral!reader): best friend!yeosang, angst, hurt/no comfort, swearing

corn syrup au (vampire!yeosang):

origin post

cuspids (gender neutral!reader): vampire!yeosang, fluff, teeth, yeosang knows next to nothing about human anatomy

corn syrup (gender neutral!reader): vampire!yeosang, fluff, fake blood, yeosang’s first halloween

twist and pull (gender neutral!reader): vampire!yeosang, fluff, hurt/comfort, sickfic-ish, tooth pulling/teething

choi san

regardless (fem!reader): fluff, minor smut towards the end, small-chested reader, insecurities, push up bras

superpower (gender neutral!reader): college!au, frat boys!ateez, fluff-ish, san takes care of reader, reader is somewhat of a recluse, alcohol, harassment (does not involve san)

birthday gift (gender neutral!reader): implied smut, fluff, humour

hiraeth (gender neutral!reader/ot8): choi san-centric, non-idol!au, artist!san, flatmates!ot8, light angst, fluff, light hurt/comfort, platonic and romantic ot8

one to ten (gender neutral!reader): childhood friend!san, angst, takes place after reader’s death (cause of death is not specified)

you’ll be fine (without me) (gender neutral!reader): angst, mentions of organs/physical pain

post-apocalyptic kind of hot (gender neutral!reader): post-apocalypse!au, fluff, mentions of bugs

three, two (and one) (gender neutral!reader): angst, choi san-centric, implied illness towards the end

shit happens (gender neutral!reader): fluff, friends with benefits/early stages relationship, post-sex, broken condom, no smut

song mingi

home is where the heart is (gender neutral!reader): fluff, minor angst, best friend!mingi

tutoring (gender neutral!reader): college!au, fluff, first kisses

spilled coffee (gender neutral!reader): non-idol!au, fluff, slight hurt/comfort, strangers to (sort of) lovers

saccharine, syrupy and other words that remind me of you (male!reader): high school sweethearts!au, fluff, mentions of other 99z, mentioned underage drinking, takes place at a high school reunion

1:11 a.m. (gender neutral!reader): kissing

jenga (gender neutral!reader): non-idol!au, 99z friend group, fluff, friends to lovers, alcohol/puking

jung wooyoung

you got me right (gender neutral!reader): hurt/comfort, fluff, crying

move on (gender neutral!reader): angst, implied death, mentions of ot8

nostalgia is a place, not a feeling (gender neutral!reader): post-high school!au, ex!wooyoung, mentions of drug use, cigarettes, nosebleed mention, swearing, angst, slice of life

three letters (fem!reader): college!au, fluff, light angst, some humour, pregnant reader, birth control mentions, feat. san + seonghwa

noodles and sleep (gender neutral!reader): angst, hurt/comfort, established relationship, anxiety, use of safeword, bottom wooyoung, fluff toward the end

00:57 am (gender neutral!reader): strangers to acquaintances, angst, brief hurt/comfort, good ending, reader is almost hit by a car, implied suicidal thoughts

all by heart (gender neutral!reader): angst, post-break up, food/cooking

i don’t mind (gender neutral!reader): fluff, domesticity

wasted potential (gender neutral!reader): angst/hurt no comfort, childhood sweethearts, small towns

choi jongho

hand to hold (gender neutral!reader): flatmates!ateez, hurt/comfort, fluff, seonghwa is protective, implied paranoia and anxiety (do not read if discussions of paranoid beliefs will trigger you)

1500 (fem!reader): college!au, wlw reader, platonic, hurt/comfort, fluff, reader is going through a breakup, jongho is a good friend

don’t think (choi jongho-centric): narrative, jongho has writer’s block that’s it that’s the story

siren song (gender neutral!reader): 90s!au, small towns, angst-ish, toxic relationship, implied criminal activity, guns

two sides, one coin (gender neutral!reader): 90s!au, implied criminal + sexual activity, blood mention

sooner or later au (friends to lovers):

sooner or later (gender neutral!reader): non-idol!au, fluff, friends to lovers, grocery shopping + food talk

07:30 a.m. (mentioned gender neutral!reader): non-idol!au, fluff/slice-of-life, friends to lovers 

more ATEEZ content:

front row angel masterlist (emo rock band!ATEEZ au)

ATEEZ NSFW masterlist - 18+ ONLY, minors do not interact

slasher!TEEZ masterlist - 18+ ONLY, minors do not interact

1-800-HOTTER-THAN-U masterlist - 18+ ONLY, minors do not interact

[faintlysufferingchaos]

So, a bit of an introduction ig, pls read before following or judging me too harshly lmao

HERE IS THE TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS BLOG!

I am not going to put trigger warnings on most posts unless they go into graphic detail of a specific topic that requires its own warning. I am not going to put a tw where I mention disordered food behaviours or thoughts, or self harm, e.g urges as this is a vent account and will be posting general thoughts in the moment and will mostly avoid explicit detail.

♡ Important ♡

༄ I’ll often vent about my poor mental health and issues as such, including eating disorders, self harm, body dysmorphia, depression, anxiety etc. if these things are upsetting or triggering to you please don’t interact.

༄ I say stupid things and hold standards for myself and myself only, I would only ever romanticise/joke about my own ed and I am in no way encouraging other people to do the same. I don’t ever want to inspire or create these issues for people who aren’t already dealing with an ed, I am 100% pro recovery and encourage healthy habits and am so so happy for those who are recovering!!! I am simply not ready for that myself, for reasons too complex to explain here. Sometimes I’m purely struggling to survive the day and this is something I can’t let go of right now.

༄ So this is the warning I’m aware pretty terrible things are posted on the internet, by continuing you are responsible for choosing to read content that could trigger you! So LEAVE, UNFOLLOW, OR BLOCK ME now if you’re not an existing eating disorder/mental illness blog!! (please don’t report as this is my safe space and one of the only things helping me to cope)

♡ I’m 17, from Australia

♡ My personality type is infj-t

♡ I’m nearly 5 ft 7 I think lol

♡ tips, advice or friendly asks are always welcome!!!

♡ literally message me if you need someone like minded to talk to

♡ I’d also love to make friends or have ppl to talk to, if not I’m also ok with speaking into the void