#consider this a long-winded passionate ramble

[azaracyy]

to the next stage of our adventure! digimon survive week 2024 day 7: post-game / future personal thoughts under the cut - less about the artwork and more about shuuji and lopmon themselves. a long rambling containing major spoilers and heavy topics. will cause whiplash. proceed with caution.

other than the fact this may be boring and long-winded, cw and tw: there will be mentions of self-harm and suicide. if these topics make you uncomfortable, please step back. if you're sure, then alright. i'm aware this is a weird place to ramble about shuuji and lopmon considering the notorious highlight of their story would match the themes of day 5 (villains) and day 6 (dark & loss) better. unfortunately (ironically?) i never planned to feature them for those days, so... pretty sure i'm not the only one feeling this, but when i discovered that a good part of the fandom seems to loathe shuuji with utmost passion, even after they claimed to have completed the game, i was confused. the way his death happened and (understanding) the cause made me uncomfortable for a while, but never drove me to the point of hate... once i recovered from the initial shock, what i felt towards him was more pity, then respect (on truthful route). i feel shuuji should have been one of the most appreciated characters in survive. yet it was the opposite that happened. (between you and me though, knowing there was this discourse with the fact digimon survive is a visual novel, i'm not that surprised it turned out this way...) from my point of view, lopmon evolving into wendimon then killing shuuji symbolizes suicide, the act of taking one's own life. it was the climax of shuuji's mental breakdown, leading him to basically self-destruct, causing damage to everyone around him and ultimately himself. lopmon evolved, just like he hoped. but failed to do it like other kemonogami partners (maintaining control of themselves and fending off enemies). the next and final outcome was death, through his own partner actually eating him alive too. it reminds me how when someone thought they have prepared well for something important yet it failed spectacularly, the devastation and frustration would eat them in the same way from inside. and they probably would for one second think, "i'm better off dead". the more i pondered about it, the more it hit home, so of course, the last thing i could do is hate him, when his struggles sound similar to my own - having to rely on consistent achievements to prove your value, to feel you are worth living and not a waste of resources. the part where shuuji went all abusive on lopmon felt like the equivalent of pushing yourself to the extreme to reach your goal, to the point of neglecting your own needs. it's like a student so absorbed in their study, sacrificing food and sleep, until their body eventually snaps and shuts down for good (...this in fact happened to one of the students at my previous workplace. she was in her last year of high school. life was just about to truly start for her when her classmate informed us of her sudden death). even in truthful route where shuuji and lopmon survive that point, things aren't immediately nice and easy for him. you can see that he still has self-doubts, and what i think is impostor's syndrome. he could be making a great contribution to the team and still put himself down for having done "nothing". i have found it interesting that artists and writers tend to be especially fond of shuuji. so perhaps it's not just the matter of one's upbringing - whether you were raised in a harsh, competitive environment and/or with family with (unreasonably) high standards so you can relate more easily to him - but also whether one can see just what every struggle shuuji and lopmon went through symbolizes shuuji's mental state. out of all survive characters, i think shuuji and lopmon pulled off this thing called "surviving" the hardest, no joke. which is why i almost always gravitate to drawing them happy because that's what they deserve :') after all this, what i also would like to say is, it's okay if a character makes you uncomfortable. it's okay if you hate a character. but never, ever bring down the character to people who like them or even consider them their favorite or comfort character. if you must, do it in your own space and only with like-minded people.

[coochellati]

Hi! How is it going, I hope you are doing well ❤️This is not a deep question but what kind of drink/s do you think Bruno would most enjoy and ones he would avoid (alcoholic or not)? He looks like someone that would enjoy limoncello a lot for example but I can't see him being a beer guy.

Hi!!! Good to hear from you!! Thank you for checking in; all things considered, I’m doing well right now!

Ooh, this is a fun question… Funnily enough, I’ve given quite a bit of thought to this in the past. Buckle up, because I’ve got a bunch of beverage headcanons for you!

Without further ado, here’s my take… (under the break)

I imagine Bruno isn’t a huge drinker when it comes to alcohol. (As you said, he’s definitely not a beer guy.) Most of the time, he prefers to keep a sharp, clear mind, ready for whatever may come his way. That said, it doesn’t stop him from appreciating a good glass of wine. Wine is such a key part of Italian culture that it’s hard to picture Bruno not enjoying it. (In fact, I headcanon that Bruno is actually pretty passionate about the subject of wine—we’ll get to that in a bit.) He drinks it for the taste rather than the effect it gives.

(Figure 1: Bruno having wine.)

Because he doesn’t usually like being inebriated, he limits himself to small amounts—typically just a glass with a meal. On days off, however, he may enjoy a bit more wine than he usually does. Even though Bruno enjoys red wine, I feel like he leans more toward white wine, with a special fondness for sparkling varieties. He’s not a huge fan of a ton of fizz, though, so he goes for older sparkling wines where the bubbles have softened a bit.

I like to think Bruno has a good understanding of wine, largely thanks to Polpo’s influence. Whether he wanted to or not, Bruno surely picked up knowledge from Polpo, who, being the foodie he is, likely gave plenty of unsolicited lectures about wine. Bruno absorbed more than enough to discuss things like aging processes or which years produced the best vintages.

I also imagine Bruno’s interest in wine began because of Polpo’s constant ramblings. It’s not that Bruno had negative feelings toward wine before meeting him; he probably just didn’t think much of it, especially as a twelve-year-old. I can picture Polpo launching into a long-winded explanation about wine or food before delivering some important assignment with Bruno thinking, “If it were really important, you wouldn’t spend this much time talking about wine.”

But that forced exposure grew into genuine interest, and now Bruno has become passionate about it. Picture him excitedly sharing wine facts with a partner or someone he cares about, then catching himself mid-sentence and apologizing for rambling. (He’ll think back to his conversations with Polpo and wonder if he’s overstepping his boundaries.) But, of course, his partner reassures him that it’s okay. I like to think Bruno tends to ramble about things he’s passionate about since he didn’t have much chance to express his interests growing up. So, when he gets the chance, he dives in a bit too deep, almost by accident.

He probably has a decent collection of wines with a few rare or expensive bottles. However, Bruno isn’t the type to splurge, so most of the high-end bottles were likely gifts. He saves them for special occasions.

Now that you bring it up, I can also see Bruno being a limoncello drinker. I’ve never had it before, but it looks pretty good. Based on its description, I too think Bruno would like it.

As for coffee, I imagine Bruno enjoys espresso—or “caffé,” as Italians call it. It’s not an everyday thing, but when he does indulge, it’s usually a plain shot of espresso. (Occasionally, he treats himself to a caffé latte or cappuccino.) He avoids drinking too much, as he doesn’t like the jittery feeling caffeine can bring. If he’s close with someone, he’d probably prefer sipping from their coffee rather than ordering his own.

Bruno doesn’t strike me as someone who’d enjoy soda (or pop, depending on where you’re from). As mentioned, he’s not fond of fizzy drinks, and soda is not only fizzy but also loaded with calories, which wouldn’t appeal to him.

When asking @cornerfortherats this question to see her take on this ask, she wrote that she could also see him enjoying “Iced tea and those sugar-free mix drinks. (Think like kool-aid. Particularly the blue raspberry one.) In my mind, he buys the really weird flavored ones to try for fun because they’re relatively cheap and on occasion his reaction is just this:”

(I really like this headcanon too.)

Of course, Bruno drinks plain water too. He knows how important it is to stay hydrated and tries to keep up with it. But, with how busy he is, it’s not unusual for him to forget sometimes.

Thank you for the ask! This question was super fun to answer! <3

[blonde-love]

Rings with a promise sealed with wine…

Summary: An old friend of Larissa's visits her office, reminiscing about an old promise that unfolds in a night of love, passion, and wine.

Warnings: Smut, cunnilingus, I don’t know(?)

Parts of the story:

Rings with a promise sealed with wine… [1].

Rings with a promise sealed with wine… [2]. Soon.

Rings with a promise sealed with wine… [Extra]. Soon.

Author's Note: Hello, I'm sorry if this writing is a disaster, actually English is not my first language and this is my first fanfic, but I hope I have done a decent work… any constructive criticism is really appreciated! There is also an extra part of this that I don't know if you want to read...

The academy had changed since the last time you had visited it, although it still maintained most of its essence, there were small modifications here and there, which made sense considering the many years that had passed since then. You had evolved, so it was logical that the place would too, especially under Larissa's command now.

You sighed remembering her, wondering how she would have become too, thinking that surely she would still be that beautiful and intriguing lady with light hair and blue eyes as when she was young all those years ago...

You were a few years younger than Larissa, but you had met her at one of her speeches at the academy. She was always as upright and neat a student as she could be, so she quickly caught your eye when you saw her, just perfect. You chatted a bit when it was over, she presumably proud of her work, saying that you could do the same if you tried hard enough, so you really pushed yourself to make it through a few years later even though she wasn't around to see it…

You stood in front of the door that had her name engraved on it, looking doubtful as you raised your fist to knock, biting your bottom lip uncertainly. You finally filled yourself with so much courage as you could before knocking on the door a few times, overly nervous as a couple of seconds passed in silence that felt like eternal centuries until a voice was finally heard inside.

“Come in”. A beautiful voice called out, so you followed the lead, walking into Larissa's office, looking at her, she sitting at her desk.

You let out a longing breath when you finally looked at her; her hair tied beautifully, an almost whitish blonde, while her blue eyes moved reading the text on the paper in her hands, wearing a beautiful elegant dress...

“Good evening... To what do I owe your pleasant visit?”. She asked as she finally put the document in her hands to the side to look at you, realizing that you weren't one of her students, snapping you out of your trance, jumping slightly in place and finally closing the door behind you.

“Good evening, Ri-… Lari-… Principal Weems”. You said, regretting using that nickname or her name, too scared of how things would evolve between you after so many years.

Larissa's eyes narrowed as she heard you hesitate, being too familiar to her, not knowing exactly where she'd seen you from before. Nearly three decades was too long to remember properly.

“I... I come to visit, I don't know if you would like to see me... I...”. You started to ramble, until she interrupted you.

“I know you?”. She asked almost like a sigh that the wind would have carried away if you hadn't been so nervously attentive to her.

“Y-Yeah... I mean… yes... you might not recognize me now”. You muttered foolishly, shyly approaching her desk, swallowing hard and removing a ring from your thumb, placing it on Larissa's desk.

The older one looked at it skeptically for a few seconds, not understanding why you would leave it there until she realized that in fact the original owner of the object was her.

“[Y/n]”. She called your name under her breath, knowing who you were then, since the ring had been given to you so many years ago as the seal of a promise that both would fulfill your goals no matter what obstacles stood in the way when you consoled her to try to push aside her negative feelings about she comparing herself to Morticia.

“Yes…”.

“You… you don’t…”. She looked at you without finding the right words, getting up from her seat to approach you, placing that ring back on her index finger.

When she was close to you, you took a step back due to her imposing figure. You remembered her being tall, but not that tall, especially with the heels she normally didn't wear when she used her school uniform so long ago.

“What are you doing here?”. She finally asked, looking at you with those blue eyes that you had fallen in love with when you were in high school.

It took you a moment to answer, because you simply couldn't, with the sight of that ethereal woman in front of you, who had become the most beautiful person in the world over the years if she wasn’t before.

“[Y/n]”. She called, placing a hand on your shoulder, squeezing gently and bringing you back to the ground.

“Ah… yes… That…”. You stuttered for a moment, before taking a deep breath, looking up at her burning fireplace. “The promise... remember?”.

“The promise…”. Larissa repeated almost mechanically, looking at the ring before returning her gaze to you once more…

“I came to return it… you said that was the deal when we exchanged them… that we would return them once we both met our goals…”. You remembered, looking at the hands of the taller woman.

“Oh… I-I… had forgotten…”. She confessed, and that's when you realized that she wasn't wearing any ring besides the one you just gave her, proof of her words, evidence that she hadn't considered you as you did for her during all those years.

“I…”. The words caught in your throat, feeling partially disappointed by that, taking another step back. “Yeah... sorry, that must have been a young joke...”. You shrugged, trying to downplay the importance it clearly held to you, the woman clenching her jaw as she realized you really did take it seriously.

“[Y/n], listen…”. She tried to say, but you shook your head.

“No, I understand. Still, I couldn't stay with that, it's too expensive… Anyway, I'm glad that apparently things turned out well for you, becoming the director of Nevermore is impressive”. You assured, a smile on your lips, tightening your grip on your bag.

Silence reigned in the room, discomfort running through your body, looking down at the floor after a few seconds.

“That was all... At the entrance they told me that you were a little busy, maybe I shouldn't interrupt you anymore”. You said, with the best smile you could get in that situation. “It was good to see you again, Weems”. You turned, walking in the direction of the exit before she stopped you, placing a hand on your wrist and pulling you back.

“Wait a second…”. She asked, acting on instinct more than logic, getting you to turn once more to look at her. “You… grew up…”. She muttered seeing your appearance.

That would be a logical statement, almost bordering on the absurd, but not for her at that moment, since upon seeing you more closely she realized that you had indeed changed and, just like her, you had become a woman, so beautiful in her eyes, going against the image she had of you, because when she thought of you, usually had in mind the face of a young adolescent, a little clumsy and distracted, not an attractive woman.

A small laugh escaped your lips at her, smiling genuinely at her this time. “You too”.

“Sorry... Would you like to stay and chat a bit and have some wine, perhaps?”. She proposed, tempted to touch your face for a moment before dropping her hand without even getting close enough to you.

“It would be a pleasure... if you're not too busy, of course”. You muttered, to which she smiled softly.

“I'm not”. That was a lie she hoped you wouldn't find out. “Come on, sit down”. She requested, pointing to a seat near her fireplace, walking to a cabinet until she pulled out a bottle and a couple of glasses, placing them on the table in front of the sofas.

You sat down, analyzing her movements as she served you; her hips as she walked to reach the bottle, her hands as she performed each of her actions... You ended up looking away in embarrassment. You weren't a teenager to go on with that.

“Here you have”. She said, handing you the glass of liquor, erasing her insecurities about her invitation by looking at you once more like an adult, sitting next to you before taking a small sip from her own glass.

“Thank you…”. You said shyly, your lips moving closer to the glass and drinking too.

Larissa stared at your mouth perhaps more than necessary, noticing that you were wearing some lipstick and realizing that she had never seen you use it before, when you were young you always clinging to the idea that you didn't need it.

“Mmm… the wine you drink is quite good…”. You said, savoring the taste, she blinking a few times in bewilderment, blushing as she realized she'd been staring longer than she should have.

“I have good taste. I guess you became a doctor considering the return from a few minutes ago”. She communicated, referring to the ring you had given her, to which you nodded.

“Yeah, actually for a couple of months, but it took me a while to find you… that was until I talked to Morticia. I ran into her by chance... well... not so much... her daughter broke into my work area last year's vacation to try to remove some pieces that we had preserved in formaldehyde, but those are minor details”. I narrated while remembering the incident, drinking a little more.

“Oh… Wednesday Addams…”. She muttered, placing her fingers on the bridge of her nose with a frustrated expression.

“She entered this year to study here, right?”.

“Unfortunately... It's been a disaster... Morticia must have been simply incapable of raising a decent daughter...”. She commented with annoyance, taking a longer sip of wine before pouring more for both of them.

“It's just an Addams, I guess”. You said, remembering so many things about her parents in their student days. “Maybe she inherited some of Morticia's... particular charm...”.

“I still don't understand what you saw of her when we were young”. She announced out of nowhere, quite confusing you.

“To Morticia?”. You asked in confusion, tilting your head to one side for a moment.

“Yes, you were crazy about her in high school as I remember”. That confused you even more.

“She's always had her thing, but I didn't like Morticia. When I was younger I was more into blonde girls, you know”. You commented without thinking, deeply embarrassed as you realized your own words.

“Blondes?”. She asked, to which you nodded sheepishly. Larissa had always thought you had a crush on Morticia with all your frequent visits to their bedroom, but the black-haired girl wasn't the real reason you went to the Ophelia Hall.

“Something like that... well... actually my experience with people was almost null since I was in love with the same person for many years”. You commented, laughing a little at yourself, now you being the one who poured some liquor to both of you, nervously drinking from your glass.

“Oh my… I didn't know you had a date in high school”. Larissa said impressed, moving closer to you with interest on the subject.

“I didn't, I never really told her”. You shrugged, downplaying the matter. “She was a couple of years older than me, and she probably never would have seen me as more than her... admirer to put it in a way”.

“Aw dear... What year was she in? Did I know her?”. She asked, both taking another drink, to which you nodded your head.

“She was from your generation actually… and I'm sure you knew her pretty well”. You muttered, giving a couple of faint hints, to which Larissa thought, trying to remember as many blonde girls that were her age as she could.

“Rose?” She asked and you denied, drinking some more. “Miranda?”. She suggested again, shaking your head once more and sipping your drink, following this pattern a few more times, Larissa pouring you some more liquor as she realized you'd finished it.

“I was more into… tall girls…”. You murmured softly, a soft blush on your cheeks from how little resistance you had to the alcohol and the nervous sips you were taking faster and faster.

“Tall girls…”. Larissa repeated, her mind wandering away from the answer, though somewhat closer than before.

“Yes… tall… blondes… blue-eyed… elegant…”. You said, drinking unaware of the fog that was beginning to build in your mind, placing a hand on the sofa as you leaned into her unaware. “Shapeshifter who gave speeches about the importance of introducing our society with normies”.

And that was when the realization hit Larissa like a bucket of cold water. “You…”.

“But she never realized...”. You repeated, about to take another drink when Larissa placed a hand on your wrist, drawing your attention to which you turned to her, noting the deep blush on her cheeks that reached her ears.

Of course it made sense when she thought about it, that girl's silly blushes when you were younger, how you refused to change with her at little sleepovers, how much you offered to help her no matter what she needed… the flattery, the discreet gifts…

“Oh look…”. You murmured noticing the reddish tinge on her ears, gently touching the skin with your fingers as you set the glass down on the table and approached without thinking. “They are red…”. You said innocently too close to her ear, your hot breath hitting her skin, causing a shiver to run through the older one, who placed one of her hands on your arm to stop you.

“Yeah…”. She admitted sheepishly, turning to look at you only to realize that you were both so close to each other, your ragged breaths mingling with each other.

“You smell like wine…”. You commented vaguely, to which she chuckled softly.

“You more than me, that is a fact…”. She said, realizing that your eyes rested on her lips for a moment, your hand coming down from her ear to rest against her cheek.

Larissa's heart began to beat faster, looking at your eyes as if they were the most expensive jewels in the world and then at your lips as if they were some more of that delicious drink you had been consuming during the night.

“Was it me you liked?”. She asked in the middle of the silence, to which you nodded gently.

“So much... You were so attractive, brilliant, perfect in every possible way of the word...”. You said softly, your voice somewhat hoarse. Larissa swallowed at the sound of you, that tone of voice making her feel things she never thought she would feel for you in her life.

“Do you still think so?”. She asked, almost in a low whisper, but you didn't answer, instead just sighing softly, smiling for brief moments before closing your eyes and leaning in, both lips brushing against each other in a kiss.

The older one moaned softly at the feel of your lips pressing against hers, closing her eyes and leaning in, reciprocating the show of affection, enjoying the taste of her favorite drink in your mouth, not thinking twice about receiving you when you straddled her, sitting on her thighs while she placed her hands on your waist, gently pressing you against her, she licking your lower lip, to which you opened your mouth gently, allowing her entry to savor you even more, letting out a lecherous moan as well.

After a few seconds, you both finally pulled away, gasping for air after the kiss, breathing heavily, both noticing the lipstick smudges on your lips, two different colors blending better in some places than others.

“Larissa...”. You called softly, your lips sliding down her neck like a light ghost, too intoxicated not only with the wine but with her, with her figure, her smell... her taste...

“Mmm… darling, I don't think I should have served you that last drink…”. She commented, clutching at your head and letting out an unholy moan as she felt your tongue snake around her neck.

“Perhaps, although I am glad to receive that extra courage…”. You murmured, licking her neck once more, she moaning softly, feeling your lips suck on her skin before she pulled your hair back.

“No visible hickeys, dear”. She announced, although it was already too late, since her skin now had a mark that she would have to cover later.

“Oops...”. You said with fake regret, your fingers slipping down the front of her dress, beginning to unbutton her clothing. “Perhaps I should find a more suitable place…”. Your pupils were dilated, staring longingly at Larissa's exposed breast, her red lace bra peeking out after letting go of a few buttons, your tongue beginning to lick the newly uncovered skin, leaving a hickey on one of her breasts now.

“Mmm... my dear, you are playing with fire right now, if you continue you must bear the consequences”. She warned, pressing harder into your hips.

“I'm curious to find out those consequences...”. You murmured, sucking once more on a second mark before soothing the skin with your tongue, gasping for air in a strangled moan as Larissa pressed down on you, her thigh between your legs. “Ah...!”.

You looked into Larissa's eyes, realizing that she was just as affected by the whole situation as you were, her eyes full of desire, leaning over your neck to begin to leave open-mouthed kisses on your skin.

“Do you really want that, naughty girl?”. She asked in your ear, watching you sway your hips against her thigh, nodding a couple of times at her question. “You really are quite a case…”.

“Rissa... please...”. There was that pretty nickname, coming out of your lips in a desperate way, too eager to feel it and to alleviate that pain that had been building between your legs for a while. The blonde hummed content to hear you, her hand sliding to the back of your dress to unzip it, letting it fall over your waist, exposing your black bra, she smiling to see you exposed like that, caressing your chest.

“Come, help me with this…”. She requested, to which you stood up for a moment to let your dress fall all the way around your feet, also exposing the matching panties, Larissa biting her lower lip at the sight of you.

Just as pretty as you were, Larissa taking no more time to grab your thighs and pull you up, her carrying you easily enough, devouring your lips once more with hunger, her tongue dipping in as if it had been done thousands of times before, your two bodies fitting in perfectly as she led you to her bedroom.

She released her lips only when she dropped you onto the bed, pulling away to lock the door before turning back to you, slipping out of her dress and heels.

You took a quick note from her room, obviously as elegant as her, but you had better business that mattered more to you right now, spreading your legs in a silent invitation to the woman who looked at you before stepping between them, her lips on yours for a few more seconds before caressing your thighs, pulling you apart with a moan when her fingers got too close to your center.

“[Y/n]”. She called to you softly, caressing the same place as before, causing another chill. “Do you really want this?”. She asked, though neither of you was exactly in the best state of lucidity, but she wanted confirmation of your consent anyway. She would never do anything you didn't want.

“Yes Rissa... do you want it?”. You asked, she kissing you softly on the lips before answering.

“Of course…”. She murmured, sliding her hand up your chest, you sitting up for a moment to undo your bra, letting your breasts fall for her to look at, Larissa letting out a breath as she looked at your nipples. They were hard, desperate for attention as much as the rest of your body, so it didn't take long for her to connect her mouth over one of them, licking the bud before sucking, leaving you with a pleasurable sensation and a moan, your hands on her back unclasping her bra too, she pulling away for a moment to take it off and toss it to any side of the room, letting your curious fingers touch her too, moaning when you pinched one of her nipples just the way you liked it.

But you both really needed more than that, so Larissa lowered her hand slowly over your body, running her fingers over your nipple, stroking gently before moving down your stomach, sucking gently on your neck, while letting your hands one on her head and another on her white sheets, she finally brushing her fingers over your clothed pussy.

“Look how wet it is here dear…”. She murmured running her fingers once more, drawing a pleasurable moan from you as she pressed more firmly on the bulge of your clit.

“Larissa… please…”. You begged softly, lifting your hips for more friction. You really needed her, more of her, all of her, but the woman placed her hand on your hip, anchoring you to the bed.

“Please what, dear?”. She asked, pretending she doesn’t knew what you wanted.

“Please Rissa… fuck me…”. You stretch your legs closer to her, pushing aside your panties to give her a glimpse of your bare pussy, completely wet from her. “Don't make me wait any longer after all these years… please…”. You begged again, a tender smile on the woman's lips as she leaned into you.

“Sure dear, I'm sorry”. She murmured against your ear, playing for a moment with the elastic of the only clothes you were wearing. “Would you let me take this off?”. She asked, to which you nodded almost desperately, the woman laughing softly as she removed your panties... “Impatient, aren't we?”.

A shiver ran through your body when the cold air from her room came into contact with the humidity of your pussy, that part contracting, Larissa licking her lips when she saw that.

“Just look at this, how precious…”. She said as if she were looking at the best piece of art in any most famous museum you could think of, running her fingers over the liquid to collect a bit, looking at her wet finger and licking it as she looked into your eyes, drawing you a moan of anticipation as you watched her take it clean out of her mouth.

“Rissa oh my god...”. You said, closing your eyes when she again slid her finger over that sensitive part of your anatomy, rising above you to admire your entire body in full nakedness.

“You have really become a divine woman my love… my good girl…”. That, that was the fucking nickname that she had used with you all through high school and that had made you feel so many things with your raging hormones.

“Rissa...”. You stifled a moan and arched as she began to insert one of her fingers into you. You had noticed that they were long, quite graceful and beautiful, their perfect touch on you, though they certainly felt even better on the inside.

“Tell me [Y/n] Who does this good girl belong to, hmm? Who has she stood for these years to get her pussy full?”. She asked, finally reaching to the knuckle, gently pulling her finger in and out to gently dilate you, the bottom of her palm crashing against your clit each time, resulting in a shiver from you with moans each time.

“To you Larissa... ah... for you... everything for you...”. You moaned, clinging to her shoulders as you trembled under her touch, being so wet it didn't take much to slip a second finger inside.

“That's right, precious… good girl…”. She fawned as she began to curl her fingers inside you, bumping into a spongy area inside you that made you arch, her other hand placing her thumb on your clit to trace circles over the swollen bud, a bit of her ego seeping in as she traced her name with her finger on your bud, smiling as your pussy finally contracted for her.

“Ah… ah… Rissa… that feels good…”. You moaned, your legs shaking sweetly for her, arching at the pleasurable sensations.

“Your pretty pussy is happy to have my fingers in it…”. She said, dropping to her knees on the ground. “I bet it will feel even better with my tongue too…”.

“Wha-? Oh my-!”. You moaned in an exceedingly indecent way as the texture of her tongue flattened against your clit, her fingers continuing inside you, your legs instinctively closing around her head, but she placed one of her hands on one of your thighs to prevent that.

“Nothing like that my dear, I don't want to have to honor the firm principal they say I am by having to punish you... so spread your legs for me...”. She ask before plunging back into your pussy, you helping her grip with one hand on your thigh to pull the leg she wasn't holding against your own chest, just as she requested, opening you wider for her.

Deeper moans began to come out as Larissa's attentions increased, the inside beginning to clench in certain patterns more quickly, your free hand on Larissa's head…

“Rissa…! Oh god… I'm going to…”. You were breathing more and more heavily, requiring all your effort to formulate a fairly congruent sentence.

“You're close, aren't you? Come on darling, drop it for me”. She said, requiring a few more thrusts with her fingers and tongue before you collapsed, bucking and moaning her name aloud as your orgasm crashed into you, Larissa carefully pulling her fingers out.

“Fuck…”. You moaned at the sense of loss, shaken and gasping from your climax, watching the woman lick her fingers just like she had at the start.

“Very well done my dear...”. She murmured, getting up from the ground, to which you sat up, intertwining your fingers with hers.

“It's your turn…”. You looked at that woman's soaked panties. “Lie down on the bed…”. You asked softly and the woman nodded, following your instructions. Your breath caught in your throat as you saw her, her bare breasts resting on top of her, her panties drenched only for you and her head rested on the pillow, her hair a mess, golden curls falling carelessly over her shoulders. “God… you are simply more beautiful than when we studied here…”. You breathed, spreading kisses down her bare chest.

“Is that so?”. She asked incredulously. “I'm…grateful to hear it darling, but I'm afraid time hasn't been kind to me”. She muttered, to which you chuckled softly.

“Oh dear, I assure you that it is so... you are like one of those wines that you like so much...”. You murmured, lowering yourself between her legs. “Simply more delicious with the passing of the years…”. You whispered against her pussy, your tongue tasting the smear of liquid on her red underwear, eliciting a strangled moan from the woman.

“Ngh… then you should drink me, dear…”. She said suggestively, so you took the liberty of sliding her panties down her legs, leaving little kisses on her thighs.

“Can I bite here?”. You asked, planting a kiss on one of her thighs not quite sure if her skirts or dresses would fully cover it.

“O-Of course…”. She gasped when she felt your teeth against her porcelain skin, letting her head fall back against the pillows, her pussy twitching happily before your eyes, a sign that she'd liked it.

“If you knew the times I had wet dreams about you in high school…”. Your tongue getting closer to where she needed you.

“Wet dreams?”. She asked breathlessly, your tongue sliding around her entrance, parting her lips with your fingers to expose her even more, her clit twitching as if greeting you impatiently.

“Yeah… or the sinful thoughts in your school speeches… how much I thought about fucking you in front of everyone and then berated myself for having such thoughts about you…”. You said, hot breath hitting her wetness.

“That- Ah!”. A moan escaped her lips as you thrust your tongue inside, your nose pressing against her nerve cluster on purpose, watching her close her eyes and lean back against the pillows once more.

Sure enough, you drank her like a fine wine, savoring her delicious flavor on your taste buds with each lick you took, occasionally interspersing your fingers when you decided you wanted to leave more hickeys down her thighs so she could see them when she took that perfect director facade off after a tiring day at work, and hopefully you too would be there to see them and maybe do more.

Larissa's moans were simply music to your ears, a lusty harmony that filled the room as did the wet sounds of your mouth, her leg hooking over your shoulder to press you closer to her core.

“Ah… [Y/n]”. And when you looked up, oh my god that damn view.

You were between her legs slurping her tastefully with her thighs decorated with your passion marks, but that wasn't all, as the woman placed her hands on her own chest, kneading and pinching her nipples while her mouth was open, panting and moaning meaninglessly, her cheeks flushed, her eyes more black than blue at that point, her hair already completely out of place falling freely, the eldest trying not to miss the sight of you devouring her, getting her eyes to roll back with pleasure from time to time.

“I'm going to cum… ah… darling…!”. She warned, to which you smiled softly, slamming three of your fingers in to rub her sweet spot as you sucked on her clit, watching her arch fully, moaning gutturally as her head sank back into the pillows.

The principal ended up panting, just like you a few moments before, so you lay down next to her with the same exhaustion as her, trying to compose yourself, seeing her turn on her back to look for something in her dresser next to her, thinking it was your signal to go.

You were about to sit on the edge of the bed when you felt her hand catch your wrist.

“Mmm… Stay… if you don't have something to do…”. She asked sweetly, so you smiled, laying back down, this time her pulling you to her chest she caressing your back gently, her hand clenched into a fist with something inside.

“Larissa?”.

“Um... I really hope there isn't someone else waiting for you at home if you know what I mean...”. She said hopefully, realizing that she hadn't asked about it before doing it with you.

“Of course not... and I hope it's the same for Larissa Weems...”. You whispered, planting a kiss on her cheek, hearing her laugh softly.

“No… although I would like there to be… a woman a couple of years younger than me… doctor… with your eye and hair color… by name [Y/n] I don't know if you find a suitable candidate…”. Now it was you who laughed.

“I think I know someone very interested in the proposal…”. You murmured, both leaning in for a kiss, this time without raw and pure lust, but something more chaste, with the same immense love and appreciation that you had for each other after so long.

“Here…”. She whispered, opening her palm and showing the two rings you had exchanged, hers that you gave her when you arrived and yours that she had put on her dresser some time ago.

The difference between the two was clear, a gold one with expensive jewels and a cheaper one but quite beautiful. You thought she would hand you the second of those, being the one that originally belonged to you, but instead she placed on your thumb her ring, placing a kiss on the object on your finger afterwards.

“A new promise, which I swear to always keep in mind…”. Explained. “Staying together, so that we both get to know each other again, to have more nights like these and days that we can enjoy”.

“Mmm... seems like a good promise to me”. You whispered, placing your ring on her little finger as you both intertwined your fingers gently.

A pair of beautiful rings that sealed a promise in a night of love, passion and wine...

“Would you like to go to Jerico for a coffee tomorrow?”. She asked softly, her voice sleepy as he placed a kiss on your forehead.

“A date?” You questioned and she agreed. “I'd love to…”. You said, being equally tempted for Morpheus to take you to the world of dreams.

“Good night, my good girl”.

“Good night Rissa...”.

[valkieds]

Long AU ramblings....

Thinking about this little nagiiba au I have that I tried to write out a while back....

Essentially, it's a non-idol au where Nagisa and Ibara both attend the same private high school, but Ibara's a new transfer student and generally keeps to himself. But they connect through music, Nagisa who is classically trained in the violin and Ibara who picked up the guitar because one of the few nice older kids at the orphanage would play it for him from time to time. Even if Ibara has already garnered a bit of a negative reputation for having an improper upbringing and generally being rude, Nagisa enjoys the time they spend together and ignores any advising to avoid Ibara.

Over the course of the school year, they have fun, hanging out like regular teenagers do (arcade "dates," going to festivals together, unintentional sleepovers while the parental figures are away), trying to avoid the impending doom of college exams and the like... Because of the time he spent playing music with Ibara, Nagisa's gained a reignited passion for music and seeks to go to music school. Meanwhile, Ibara is being railroaded into business school.

When fall turns to winter, that's when they really start to realize the feelings they have for each other- Ibara in a quick abrupt "oh no oh no" gay panic way and Nagisa in the "I'm not sure how to express the way being around him makes me feel, but it's not a bad feeling" way. And they confess to each other on a snowy winter day before winter break!

They start going on proper dates, and Ibara even gains the courage to be the one to say "I love you" first. Of course, the impending doom of college isn't the impending doom for no reason. Nagisa applied to a number of music schools, including international ones. And now that it's spring, he's heard back from them, having been accepted by a music school in Europe. When Nagisa tells Ibara about it, he's so happy for him! Wow! That's so impressive Nagisa-san! Wait it's in Europe...? Ibara will spend the night looking up statistics about how likely long distance relationships are to succeed, which spirals into "how many 'first love' relationships succeed" and worrying about if Nagisa will find someone better and more in-line with the life he wants to live while at school. At the same time, Nagisa can tell that despite Ibara acting 100% on board with things, something seems off although he can't quite tell what.

It's just before graduation when Nagisa finally winds up confronting Ibara about what he's not telling him. If he's so bothered about something, he should say it, after all. But Ibara, running on "I can't get hurt by him finding someone better if we're simply not in a relationship" logic, fumbles his way through a break up and running away before Nagisa can get a chance to respond. A very bitter ending to Nagisa's high school life, although he doesn't have much time to spend dwelling on it with finals, graduation, and preparing to leave the country. Well, he'll dwell on it in his spare time considering he's tried texting and calling Ibara multiple times to no response (eventually getting a response in a "I think you have the wrong number, sir" way).

But fast forward a decade and Nagisa's become a celebrated violinist, performing concerts around the world. And he's currently about to perform in a Tokyo concert hall when he sees a rather familiar face taking his seat in the audience..... He honestly never thought he'd see Ibara again, and yet there Ibara is, watching him play.... Once the show ends, Nagisa is almost in a rush to have someone get Ibara and let him into the greenroom- he doesn't want Ibara to slip away again (even more than he thought he would have after all the emotions he had felt regarding their break up).

The conversation once they're alone together is awkward and a bit tense- Ibara hadn't been expecting Nagisa to notice him in the audience, let alone want to talk to him afterwards. They catch up a bit, Ibara now being the manager and president over multiple companies that were left behind to him as well as new companies he had formed after completing business school.

It's impossible to avoid the elephant in the room, though, and it's not long before Nagisa expresses the feelings he hadn't been able to share with Ibara since that day and Ibara explains his own side of things. Although Nagisa does understand Ibara and the stupid teenagerness of it all bit better now, he still needs Ibara to make things up to him if he ever wants full forgiveness...... by being his friend and actually communicating the next time things like that happen. They aren't immediately going to go back to being a couple, that sort of thing takes time and they certainly aren't the same people they were ten years prior but... it wouldn't hurt to try a little.

[maliciousalice]

👕 & 🍽️? For the trek ask game

Heheh thanks for Asking Meg!!! All aboard another long winded ramble about my wife ST: Voyager!!!!!

👕 Character whose fashion you like.

While I answered in the last one, I think I'll add to it by saying I love the Ds9/Voyager Uniforms--Infact I'm a HUGE sucker for them--At least to me, they feel like THE signature trek costume rather than TNG or TOS ones. Plus, they are fun to draw! I love how they look on the actors with the structured upper half, and loose, high-waisted pants that give everyone the illusion of height.

Those that are dressed in the uniform are portrayed with a respectable heft and a pleasant, overall shape. I know it's not the case, but they look like they are really practical. This is fully intentional as the lead costume designer said they wanted the suits to appear modular and have advantages in different environments. That's why sometimes they are unzipped or twisted around, depending on the narrative.

I could go on and on about them. I act feral over how they look when when all the actors stand together, turned in various ways, posing so that that folds pucker on their joints, or when subtle differences in their body sizes take up screen. It just looks so cool! I'm a big fan of squad-based, colour-coded uniforms and clean silhouettes.

Most importantly though, it gives them all BODY-ODY-ODY!!!

AYO WHICH LOCATION THEY AT??? CW: GORILLA DUMPIES!!! 👀👀👀 😳😳😳😳

🍽️What alien food/drink would you want to try?

I wish I could find the video but I've seen bits and pieces about how they designed the food on the sets and I think it's super charming!

Lots of effort went into considering the cuisine. It just about decorates every set and It was important to the show. Voyager engaged in a lot visual gags, or dialog discussing food. It was in a comforting way that would present the characters with their personal ideals of home.I find that subtext of world-building really endearing.

Many scenes involved characters bonding in the mess hall, socializing around food, or isolating with it to gain a sense of self. In contrast, it's used as a device for diplomacy, or to make settings seem more alien, unnavigated and removed from regular comforts. It's even incorporated into main plot points, such as with Tuvok in ''Riddles'', when he gains a newfound skill around cooking after a serious accident, and he solves the plot by decorating a code on a cake. Through food, we saw a lot of what it could be like to be a crew member on the ship, and live inside their Universe. It wasn't always pretty but they made it work.

We have a really rich food bowl and diverse food-culture In Australia, I love noticing exotic food that are used as set decoration of as props--I am used to seeing tropical fruit or Asian ingredients around my community, so it's fun to see it transformed. And much like the characters in Voyager, I relate to the comfort and the charting of new territories when it comes to seeing/ eating food.

I suspect being a chef / working in hospitality would be an interesting occupation in Trek. Everyone complains about the lack of authenticity from replicated food, so I'm sure being a good Chef would be worth your while.

I genuinely want to try Old-mate Neelix's cooking. He seems so creative and passionate about what he plates up, and he CLEARLY (they all put on weight haha) kept the crew well-fed. ''Bitches make do'', but you can tell he cares by the questions he askes everyone, or the detail he places into his recipes. I'd like to see what all the fuss is about with Leeola Root Stew. I bet it's not that bad! (I like bitter food) Or better, serve me up a Jimbalian Fudge cake! It's so quaint how there is an evolution to his work as he gets more integrated with everyone.

(crying over this ^) Neelix Nation Rise Up!!!!

[autisticgirliesbracket]

What makes Cure Custard from Kira Kira Precure a la Mode the autistic girlie ever of all time? Here's what the people have to say:

Cure Custard-related asks/reblogs: x This post will be updated after each round!

Image ID in alt text and under the readmore.

[Image ID. White slide with a screenshot of Cure Custard on the right. She is surrounded by text boxes which read,

"She has a special interest (purin) and her backstory is about how she felt alienated from her peers for being different. Her character arc is about her becoming more confident."

"Very reserved and shy but becomes talkative on the topic of sweets and making sweets which she takes very seriously, however she was considered weird for this and became ashamed about talking about it until she met friends who were accepting of her. Displaying special interest behaviour tbqh. Not just a “touch of the ‘tism” my friend this is critical levels of autism."

"Absolutely obsessed with sweets to the point where she made it her entire career, she has a cute little notebook full of notes about sweets, she's loved it since she was a little kid"

"Her special interest is sweets, and specifically the chemistry used in baking and making pastries. While usually shy, she'll infodump about them at the slightest prompting - though she's done it less since she was a child and other kids found her passion for sweets offputting and long-winded. Her arc for the season involves her starting to overcome her shyness in the name of explaining the chemistry of sweets with everyone, because knowledge is cool. On one occasion, at an audition, she is asked to pretend to whisk and make cream as she talks. Himari then gets hung up on what KIND of cream this is, what'll it be used for, because that seriously changes how she should be whisking and frankly this should be cooled in advance if it's meant for this or this and if that's not the Autism Mood. She also has a notebook where she records all her recipes and specific notes on methodology! She was inspired to do this by a book written by her idol, whose catchphrase, adopted by Himari, is "Sweets are chemistry!" "

"out of all of the Precure with autistic vibes. she is the most canon."

"Himari has a special interest in the science behind sweets-making, keeping extensive notes in a series of notebooks and eagerly explaining all about it to anyone who so much as mentions sweets in her presence. She has a flashback where we learn she used to info-dump about her interest to her classmates, who often ignored her, causing her to become rather shy and insecure. (luckily the other girls in her magical girl group are also passionate about sweets and are super supportive of her, which helps her regain confidence and pursue her dreams <3)"

"ohhhh my god. shes so autistic coded!!! she literally has a special interest in sweets (specifically pudding), and she infodumps about it all the time!!! her backstory has a moment where she accidentally started rambling about sweets and her classmates found her weird for that. it made her very insecure about her tendency to ramble, but she comes to be accepting of that part of her when she makes friends with ichika!!! she's also very nervous in crowds (she has a lot of other traits but it's been a while since i watched a la mode so my memory is spotty) all of her focus episodes r so. Wow!!! This girl is autistic!!! i love her dearly" End ID.]

[balshumetsbaragouin]

Chapter thirteen came out yesterday! We are officially over the halfway mark, and things are going to start heating up plot wise very soon! This is the second half of the Danny POV double feature for this week. Wednesday and next Saturday's chapters will be in Valerie's POV. Then it's back to switching.

In this chapter, Danny takes his sick leave, and we follow him over the weekend. Still not convinced to click? Have a sample below:

He stood on the edge of the roof, watching the cars and pedestrians below hustle to park or enter the shops on Main. The standing appointment to meet Red Huntress had drawn him out of the warmth of his nice soft bed on the late fall evening. He glanced down at a patch of grass, hoping Dr. A wasn’t frowning in disapproval at him being out of bed. He needed to talk to Valerie, and he didn’t want to do it over the phone. As long as he wasn’t fighting, she wouldn’t get irritated and try to talk to Vlad, right? He considered it for a moment, watching a family try to force a stroller over the still uneven sidewalk from the fight with the Ops Center, realizing her contacting Plasmius ranked higher than a conversation with his actual parents. He could brush off Vlad, and the man wasn’t likely to do more than take advantage of the last waning days of his illness, but if the powerful ghost woman dropped by Fentonworks to explain to Mr. and Mrs. Fenton that their halfa son needed more time to recuperate... The idea had him pushing down shivers as a gust of wind ruffled his hair. Ugh, no, that’s the worst case scenario. My parents don’t listen to ghost rambles...usually, but she’s strong enough to keep them captive, and coherent enough to make them pay attention. It’d be hard to brush her off. How is “Technus’ mom visits Vlad” the best case scenario here? The couple below got the stroller up onto the concrete and pushed it towards a toy store.

That store had dumped all its electronic wares over the last three weeks, sending even the non-wiggling stuff elsewhere, and smashing everything that moved. All that was left were simple things like wooden blocks or hot wheels. He checked the time again on his cell, frowning when it showed five after the hour. Val was never late—

“Sorry, I had to wrangle the bridge between Elmerton and Amity.”

“The...drawbridge came to life?” He turned around, taking in the harried look on her face and the soot and dust covering her armor. The debris disappeared as he watched, swept away by some mechanical process of the suit. It was eerie...and neat. Tucker would love a chance to scan the abilities of the new suit.

“Yeah, well not the bridge itself, that’s just concrete and metal. The control station is made of a bunch of computers and electronics, though, and it developed a mind of its own. It didn’t do anything dangerous, I mean it didn’t try to slam the road down on passing boats or toss cars into the river, but it was still a hassle. I had to spend the last hour scrubbing out every crack and crevasse on that thing before it stopped pouting and did its job.” She started trying to brush off the remaining grime, her face a mix of disgust and frustration.

“Wait, you’re filthy because you got put on cleaning duty?”

[orlafilmblog]

The Performance - The Amazing HoDs

I am in awe of all the hard work that the crew poured into my little queer women film and I want to highlight that in this post. Starting with…

The One and Only Lucy Gilmour – Producer

I wasn’t sure who I could rope into being producer for this project. I was leaning towards producing it myself (thank god I didn’t) when Lucy approached me. She explained how passionate she was about my idea and that she really wanted an opportunity to produce after realising it was what she wanted to specialise in. Lucy did not disappoint. From the start I had said I was happy to help out wherever an extra hand was needed, but I barely had to think about producing. Lucy dealt with things quickly and professionally and the communication between us was solid throughout the process. She was by my side for auditions and I really valued her input as we had some hard casting decisions to make. All the equipment was booked with plenty of time and she did her best to get us everything we needed. Of course she was the one to secure us Cabaret Voltaire, which was the perfect filming location for the club scene. When it came to filming, everything was done. She provided all the food and drinks, kept on top of everything and kept the vibes good. I feel the producer role has often been misunderstood, and to have someone who was so passionate about the project made a huge difference to our producer/director relationship. Lucy was wonderful to have on board and I would be more than happy to work with her again.

The Amazing Eva – Cinematographer

Wow. I am so in awe of Eva’s work. From the moment I had the idea for The Performance I knew I wanted to work with Eva, and I am so glad she said yes! I would ramble on and on about the visuals for the film, and Eva would somehow understand exactly what I was talking about. Her preparation and knowledge was inspiring and I have learned so much from working with her. I wish I had allocated more time to our talks as I feel I left her doing some heavy lifting that was supposed to be shared. There was a moment during the first day of shooting when we couldn’t quite get a shot to work. Eva was becoming very disheartened and upset and I could see the classic imposter syndrome creeping in. For such a talented woman to not believe in her own capabilities! I wish I could have given her more support other than “Eva, you are doing amazing”, but there is no truer statement. We got the shot and it looked gorgeous (of course it was cut in the edit…) Basically, in a very long-winded way, I am saying that working with Eva was an incredible experience. She pushed me to learn more about camera and I just hope she has taken something valuable from her own work on The Performance.

James Fox (Brooklyn Blood Brother) – Sound Recording/Design

James and I have an unbreakable sound/director bond. I didn’t really think through this agreement at the time. I realised just before moving into post production that I hadn’t actually heard anything James’ had designed before?! Nonetheless, I put my full faith in him, and I was not disappointed. James smashed this. Considering his less-than-ideal recording spaces (beside a main road – soz james) he managed to get the best audio he could. His recording for the make-up sequence is impeccable, no foley even needed! He also problem-solved the best way to record sound in the club, which was something neither of us had done before. Moving into the design, James understood exactly what I had envisioned for the sound and he executed it brilliantly. I was very annoying and picky about this aspect of the film, and James implemented every round of feedback no matter how big or small. James is a joy to work with, bringing a perfect mix of positivity and professionalism to every set. I am so honoured to call him my Brooklyn Blood Brother (and official honorary girlboss).

Katie, The Master of Pink – Production Designer

Katie turned my male flatmates boring plain bedroom into a pink glowing gorgeous room that fit exactly the character of Marie. Do I need to say any more? My flatmate has even kept the new layout of his room (minus the pink unfortunately). A lot of Katie’s work wasn’t shown in the film, which is why I feel it is so important to draw attention to it. She dressed the bedroom set, the bathroom set, and the club set in full, which allowed for the crew and cast to feel fully absorbed in the space. There are so many tiny details in Marie’s bedroom that we talked about, my favourite being the painting from the film we worked on last year together called The Last Landscape (I’m a sucker for easter eggs in films). This was my first time working with a production designer and I really enjoyed seeing someone else have such a deep understanding of my characters. Katie’s make-up design and costume choices were perfect for each character, and I definitely have a soft spot for Adinah’s look. Even during harder times, Katie still showed unwavering commitment to this project and these characters. She has showed a true talent and eye for production design and I loved bringing this film to life with her.

Bonnie – The Speediest Editor

With her being so pre-occupied with Longboard Nights, Bonnie and I had agreed that we would not talk about the edit until we got to the edit. Whilst this isn’t a perfect situation, Bonnie took it all in her stride. She also had a very tight turn around for the edit and produced a wonderful final cut that I am so happy with. She was amazing to work with, being the perfect balance of lenient and honest. Her opinion was invaluable, and she knew what had to be cut, even when I would fight for it, she was ultimately right. Her fresh way of looking at the film helped to bring it together. I found the editing stage to be difficult as a director; Bonnie helped immensely. Working with her gave me a stronger appreciation for the art of editing and I think she has a true talent for it.

Jack Birrell (The Storm in The Calm) – First AD/Intimacy Coordinator

Jack originally came onto the project as intimacy coordinator. This role was very important to me – I wanted the set to feel safe and open for all the actors involved. Jack had mentioned he had been an intimacy coordinator last semester and was happy to do so again. It wasn’t until close to filming that I realised I desperately needed a 1st AD. Jack was the man. I hadn’t fully understood the insane importance of a good AD. Jack was a key part of prepping the shoot, coming up with shooting schedules with fair breaks and productive days. On set, he kept everyone as on time as possible, problem solving as we went when we realised we had underestimated how long filming would take on the first day. He stressed so no one else had to. In the club, Jack was so on top of things in the club, working with the 20+ extras and ensuring we wrapped early. As a director, he made my job ten times easier. I am so grateful he came onto the project as a favour, we couldn’t have done it without him.

[puppytoast]

has @diurnalcritters helped alleviate the feeling of dissatisfaction you've had with art?

Sorry this is going to get long winded as you’ve struck a thing I’ve had to think a lot about the last year and a half so I have a lot to say LOL. DiurnalCritters is one thing in a long line of things to help me get back to normal, and even better as a person as a whole, after nerve damage I suffered last year.

The TL;DR answer is It’s definitely been one thing has helped yeah. It’s been fun, people enjoy them and send me very kind messages on and off Tumblr about them, and they help me overcome a bit of perfectionism I started developing recently since I have been able to draw more again, and thank you you and everyone that has been supporting me with it! I know it’s different from my usual content.

This is where I start rambling about where the feeling started and how I am still overcoming things in full, but it’s all pretty personal gushy stuff so no hard feelings if it’s not read but It’s been cathartic to write out:

 In early 2021 I suffered some minor nerve damage that caused me to not be able to draw for about 6 months and still to this day I occasionally get pain from it. According to clinical tests it healed well over a year ago, so i’ve attributed it to phantom pain and the majority of it just being in my head. It really only crops up when I think about it too much and when I am trying to force myself to work on things when i’m feeling particularly rusty that day, and it never gets worse even when I push through it. (I can feel it very minorly as I type this lol) I’m at the point where I have just considered it a traumatic experience that left me struggling to pick up drawing completely again despite desperately wanting to, because deep down I am afraid of not being able to do this anymore. It’s the thing I am most passionate about and enjoy doing, and makes up a huge portion of who I am and what I care about. So being faced with the very real “if you don’t let this heal, you could damage it further and never be able to work again” broke something in my brain and caused a lot of other unrelated problems as well.

Not being able to draw for a significant amount of time left me incredibly depressed and when I still couldn’t even come up with ideas and was still dealing with pain, despite being okayed that the nerve had been healed, that depression got even worse. I chalked a lot up to dissatisfaction and brainrot and not really knowing what was wrong and being very distressed about it all. I ended up having to seek therapy and that has been very helpful and has gotten me to get better at managing some personal issues and be able to handle this entire situation better. I’ve started expanding my horizons and going outside of my comfort zone on things like volunteering at the local zoo and finally being convinced to join a TTRPG game (maybe even a second one soon), which gave me Tetra, who I had and have clung to as an anchor and who has become immensely important to me as something I was able to be creative with even in a time where creativity simply refused to come to me. She is an extension of myself and has also helped me with other long standing social and anxiety issues I’ve had that it would be an entire other long post to ramble about so I’ll stop myself there lmao.

Managing a lot of other problems and experiencing new things has helped me get the creative streak back, and while I am still slower than I would like to be, it is definitely getting better, and the recognition of what is wrong and taking steps to work towards overcoming it does very much help. I started getting into a bit of a perfectionist streak with commissionwork causing it to take twice as long as I really like it to, and DiurnalCritters has also been a very good overcoming of that problem in the shape of making me have to just get something simple down without thinking about it too hard, and even with DiurnalCritters I do still have that problem on occasion, but it is also getting better as I remind myself to recognize when it’s happening and just get whatever down and move onto my day.

I’ve been drawing WAY more recently again, and I’m feeling the best I have in a long time about creating, and i’m just very glad because I was terrified I would never get back to this point again.

Thanks if you read this long self-reflection.

[offorestsongs]

What's their dream date together? Ramble as much as you'd like :}

hi Anon, thank you sm for the ask (especially since you've sent it like a SECOND after i posted that lmao) 💗

to be totally honest, their dream date is literally just any time they can spend time together lmao they are, first and foremost, obsessed with eachother so as long as they can be together, they're happy : D their definition of a date is also very loose. as long as they're Going Out and Doing An Activity, it's a date for them <3 they can make anything romantic (Rook would probably have a lot to say about the romance of the mundane) <3

they do sometimes go on what you'd consider more "traditional" dates - mostly initiated by Rook, since you do kind of need money to go out somewhere and Lysander is poor as a mouse (tho Lysander feels really bad when somebody is paying for him so he's always insisting on paying for himself where he can). when Rook learned that Lysander has never been to a theater before (back in our world, Lysander still was pretty poor and lived in a rural area so it's not like he had an opportunity to) he set out to fix that IMMEDIATELY. so they often do go on theater dates. Lysander is too focused on trying to get thru life to have a strong interest in fiction either way, but while he enjoys the plays well enough, he REALLY enjoys seeing how passionate Rook is about it. he spends about half of the time just looking at Rook and observing his reactions, and he loves listening to all the long-winded rants Rook usually goes on afterward. he always does his best to follow along and ask questions to show that he's interested (and he is! even if half of whatever Rook is saying goes over his head)

but what they both really enjoy is just. going out in the woods around school. they're both ofc very outdoorsy people with vast interest in animals and nature, it's where they find common ground. they like just going on walks, trying to find out new interesting places, birdwatching, honestly just whatever they come up with - they always treat it as little adventures!!! they get rlly excited running off to roll in the grass together!! (figuratively, but also sometimes literally)

so! to actually answer your question because i feel like we have gotten SO off topic lmao - if i had to actually pick what they would consider a dream date, it would've been just. being able to go somewhere new and being able to discover new places. maybe going camping out in the wilderness? (don't tell me that's not a date. it is FOR THEM). anywhere where they can have an adventure and a lot of time to make out in peace LMAO

[damnedtreasure]

Seconding all this! I usually recommend doing a dishcloth for the very very first project for a lot of the reasons listed above (cotton is inexpensive, easy to rip out, it's a quick low-stakes intimidating project), but if you're passionate about a certain project, go wild! The only thing I tend to dissuade people from is a scarf, but only if the reason they gave for wanting to make one is a shrug and a "it sounds easy." Scarves are definitely easy! They're also very long, and I have heard countless stories of half-done scarves shoved in the backs of closets because they started one, and once they got the hang of it, got very bored very fast, or looked at how much more they had to do and were preemptively exhausted. I usually steer them towards cowls or hats (quicker, less yarn and less cost), unless they're passionate about a scarf.

If you're passionate about something, all the things said above are really good pieces of advice! I know so many people who started on things classically considered "too much" for beginners, like steeked sweaters or blankets with twenty different stitch patterns.

If you're like a lot of people who wander into my store, however, who just want to jump in to knitting and want a starter project (that isn't a dishcloth or a square), I always recommend tincanknits' Simple Collection. It's a whole bunch of free patterns that have links in the pdfs to in-depth photo and written tutorials on every step. (For video tutorials, I actually recommend the exact same ones as above!) It also contains my absolute most favourite starter sock pattern, which I don't hesitate to give to someone without any experience in knitting at all. All the patterns are also fantastic bases for modification, and lend themselves really well to swapping out stitch patterns or throwing in some colour work.

Other little tidbits of advice accumulated from the feedback of many many beginners:

If you have any difficulty in motor control or moving your hands I highly recommend staying away from anything too bulky, even though that seems like it'd be the easiest. In my experience, folks have it easiest with a worsted weight (/weight 4/medium) yarn, with around 4-5.5mm/us6-9/uk8-5 needles. Too bulky, just like too thin, can wind up being difficult to manage, especially if your hands are on the smaller size.

For those who deal with any sort of pain, it can be helpful to set stretch or rest breaks for yourself. I tend to write mine into my patterns every x amount of rows, or between sections.

Match your needle and yarn size to each other. Too-thick needles with too-thin yarn becomes difficult to control, and the reverse can be too tight to manage.

This one is more my advice than feedback I've heard, but if you're lucky enough to have a local yarn store near you, nine times out of ten the staff will be delighted to help you, walk you through tricky bits in a project, or translate whatever weird jargon google can't seem to handle. (Most often we won't care if you're not here to buy anything, because growing the community interested in the hobby is sometimes the only advertising we do, and we know how expensive this hobby can get in comparison to others.)

If there's no yarn store near you, or no community you care to associate with, I highly recommend libraries. Most libraries I've been to have a decent selection of pattern or teaching books, and I've picked up spinning, felting, and a few other hobbies by sitting myself down in the fibre arts section and cracking open a book and giving it a try. If your library doesn't have anything, ask a librarian if they can order some! (Librarians are also fantastic if you want to start your own fibre arts group, but your mileage may vary on keeping any given group drama free.)

I usually don't jump onto posts like this, so apologies if I've rambled a bit too much. I really really love knitting, and as much as I love those of us who have been knitting for decades, I secretly love beginners just a tiny bit more. Never hesitate to try new things, try things that are above your supposed skill level, or disregard any of my advice, because the most fun and most fun conversations I've had are when someone comes in and goes "So I tried something completely weird..." It's a 50/50 split on whether it goes poorly or fantastically, but it's always interesting. And if it goes badly, the worst you can do is mess up a bit of yarn, and that's not so bad in the grand scheme of things.

This might be an odd or personal question, but could I ask how you started knitting and where you started as a beginner? Or what would you recommend? I’ve tried to join clubs and groups irl, but there’s so much drama and gossiping. When I said I didn’t want to take part in that aspect, they started ostracizing and gossiping about me. Any websites, yt channels or books you’d recommend for a beginner?

--

Haha.

My friend, this does not even register on the scale of deeply personal or odd questions people have sent me.

I've been trying to remember exactly how I started and why (like, even before this ask). I think it was on a family vacation to Scotland the summer before I started college. That would have been in 1999.

I taught myself from one of those awful 90s pamphlets with the line drawings. They're a nightmare compared to being able to see someone do the motions in person or even in a video. I had some awful plastic needles and no guidance on yarn and just knit with what I found at some shop there. Do not recommend!

I achieved what I wanted during college, which was to make a nice cable-knit sweater that I still wear, and then I got frustrated with crappy acrylic yarn and drifted away from knitting until a year or so ago.

The fact is, I basically didn't do beginner projects. I moved straight from making one rectangle to making grandiose sweaters or whatever else struck my fancy. (But if you want to know, I was using Viking Patterns for Knitting and a bunch of Alice Starmore books, all of which you can still buy.) I know plenty of people who did it this way, but you certainly don't have to.

And you definitely don't need to learn from a terrible 90s printed pamphlet!

Luckily, nowadays, you can find a tutorial on just about anything on Youtube. I enjoy watching the technical and historical types discuss quirks of knitting you might not think of without years of practice or research.

Roxanne Richardson is great, for example.

Look for somebody old, not wearing a lot of makeup, and not talking about their indie dyeing/yarn business and you'll avoid most of the clowns who learned to knit five minutes ago and now want to be knitfluencers.

When I want a super simple technique tutorial, I usually end up looking at either Nimble Needles or VeryPink Knits. I find her super annoying, but her tutorials are spot-on. Norman's voice is much more soothing and I just enjoy his presence more, but both of them have good ultra close-up shots of what they're doing (which lots of vloggers don't because it requires special equipment).

I'd just figure out what kind of finished products you want to use knitting for and then find patterns and tutorials geared towards those.

Cables are relatively easy. Stranded colorwork requires a fair amount of physical coordination and some people find it rather difficult at first.

Circular needles are far more popular than traditional straight ones for people starting today.

Cotton yarn is relatively less nice to knit with than wool for most people, but it tends to be the natural fiber available at a low price point from major retailers.

Picking up general tips like that by watching various youtubers will help you pick a project that won't be too painful to work on.

People who naturally knit loosely should consider grippy bamboo or wooden needles. People who naturally knit tightly should consider slippery metal ones.

My biggest piece of advice is that you're usually better off with something "hard" that you actually like rather than a "practice" project you don't care about, at least after you've made like one rectangle to practice doing a knit stitch at all.

--

Finding community can be hard, and yes, some crafting hobbies are infested with drama.

But if you just want to know how to knit, you're way better off with some video tutorials and a nice pattern you like.

[lynvaren]

I wanted to ask you about your take on 'shipping' gon and killua like romantically? your drawings are ambiguous enough (idk if thats the right word) but I was wondering whether you see them that way and what you think of the discourse of it's 'gross' or 'disgusting to ship 2 kids'. Thanks and I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way. Your art is awesome and always makes me happy (*＾v＾*)/

Hey! Ty for the question! This is like the longest running discourse huh... I'll do my best to share my perspective! Putting some of it under a cut because I accidentally wrote too much ^^;

I do see the ickiness of the phrase 'shipping two kids' when you put it like that, but I think that's because the word 'shipping' has this... umbrella connotation of like. HEAVY romance with adult and often sexual implications attached to it. Which is a huge red flag when u think abt kids that way?? and obviously you shouldn't??? and there’ll always be some nasty fans who do, but I think a lot of us see them the way we see most ships in kids' shows.

Because BECAUSE the thing is, we see romance all the time in children's media. Kids have crushes. Kids get into stupid relationships at 13 where all they do is peck each other on the lips awkwardly and pass notes to each other in class and hang out on ‘dates’ at each other's houses to watch TV. And it's totally normal! So when people say 'ew shut up gon and killua are only friends, stop thinking abt them like that, they're children' you have to wonder where that's coming from. Bc would they be saying the same thing about a boy and a girl of the same age?

To bring up specific examples: think about aang from atla (is a 12 yo with an enormous crush for a majority of the series, and gets together with her in the end) and sam and danny from danny phantom (are 14 yo), and these are shows with like. An actual on-screen KISS at the end. Nobody bats an eye at that, and not to be dramatic but the double standards are showing. It's implying that 'queerness' is what's vile and adult but like. Queer adults were once queer children, right? Gon and killua are 12 at the beginning, and nearing 14 at the end, so the discourse of 😡don’t ship 2 kids!🤬 stops being valid when you think about it in a larger perspective, in relation to similar media. Like sure, you’re welcome to see them in a strictly platonic way, but if the ONLY REASON ur not ok with a wholly harmless, innocent romance is because they’re children, and harass other fans abt it, then to me it sounds like a load of bull to cover up ur homophobia.

(also whenever I say ‘you’ i mean an abstract third person, not YOU you anon, if that’s not clear hjghfdgs 💖)

As for hxh specifically, my take is that the subtext is deliberate. Togashi would have to be pretty ignorant of his own writing if it weren’t; killua is so heavily coded as developing a very romantic, very boyfriend crush on gon and considering togashi’s history with queer rep it wouldn’t be far-fetched for anyone to call it intentional. And who are any of us to take that away from queer fans who see themselves in these characters? 

And as for me, using the word ‘ship’ makes me feel weird (which is totally a silly personal thing) but I think my feelings on killugon can be summed up by this exchange—

—which is a very underrated moment imo and explains killua’s feelings perfectly. They go from talking about dates to killua thinking to himself that he’d rather just stay with gon forever, and like... to me that’s IT. He doesn’t care about dating or romance when he can just be with gon. No dating experience with anyone else will be AS MEANINGFUL TO HIM as being with gon. Tell me if that isn’t the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard. 

So it’s my personal opinion that, all things considered, what gon and killua have transcends any platonic or romantic connotation; it’s more like a ‘you’re IT for me’ in whatever way you choose to see it. Do I think killua has a big fat crush on gon?? yeah. Do I think anyone seeing their friendship as ONLY a friendship is valid? also yeah. 

The only thing is that justifying them being strictly bff bros because 'they can’t be more bc they’re children ew’ isn’t gonna fly. Bc if you take it to mean anything more than an innocent depiction of young love then you're the one making it weird. As long as we’re not sick in imagining gross things then what’s wrong in just wanting them to hold hands? 

[hanichurl]

genshin characters when they have a crush on you!

venti, albedo, zhongli, scaramouche & ayaka (separate) x gn reader <3

venti

the absolute sweetest!

will write poems & songs dedicated to you

if he sees you walking around mondstadt by yourself, he might just startle you and forcefully grab you by the hand to go on a “walk” with him! (he considers it a date but he won’t tell you that yet ehe)

he’s very playful, dates with him would probably include tons of gliding! he also would love for you both to go on rides with dvalin!

every time you’re not with him, you can always feel a gust of wind surrounding you, signaling that the anemo archon is missing you.

festivals in mondstadt just means another date with venti! he’s not gonna let you escape him, especially on this momentous occasion!

he would probably drag you with him to dance around his statue, he wants to ensure that you are the star of the show!

probably follows you everywhere, at this point he’s surprised that you still have no clue how he truly feels about you!

“please… be mine, my windblume.” he would mutter on a gentle and mellow night, laying his head on your shoulder as you both sit on the hands of the anemo archon’s statue.

albedo

he would always ask for your assistance or opinions on his experiments and research.

he’s oddly more playful around you, always teasing you when you get confused as he explains his findings to you.

he gets lonely whenever you’re not with him, and he finds that conducting his experiments is no longer as fun without you.

while he is passionate about learning the truth of teyvat, he finds that you have become his first priority.

suddenly you are the number one thing that intrigues him

your cute little face is something he’d want to stare at- i mean, your face structure is something he’d want to research. because how could anything be so pleasing to the eyes?

he doesn’t mind postponing whatever he is doing at the moment to hang out with you.

while he’s not the best at human emotions, he cannot deny that what he feels about you is more than just admiration, and he has a hunch that you too feel the same.

“oh, hello there! would you mind helping me out with a new experiment? i am attempting to craft a love potion. for you.”

he chuckles at your flustered reaction, though he continues,

“…or is there no need for a potion at all? may i assume that your feelings are mutual, then?”

zhongli

i would like to think that at first, this man probably doesn’t even realize that he’s smitten for you.

he’s an intelligent man though, surely he’d figure it out himself eventually.

he could ramble on about you for hours, he would find a way to connect any topic to you, because that’s just how much he adores you.

he wouldn’t even realize that he was rambling, till someone calls him out on it.

you would receive tons of gifts from him- though he himself didn’t pay for it 😰

he’s extra patient with you, and he’s such a gentleman who is always looking after you.

if by chance he sees you roaming the streets of liyue harbor, he would never miss the opportunity to ask you if you wanted to join him for tea, or if you could just spend some time with him.

you both bid farewell after spending a long day together, but he startles you by abruptly grabbing your waist and pulling you into an embrace.

you both stay in that position for what feels like an eternity, until he hesitantly lets go.

he clears his throat, “i apologize. i have no idea what came over me, i hope i didn’t startle you.”

you were dumbfounded. i mean, the illustrious mr. zhongli suddenly being so affectionate… to you?

your flushed face was impossible to hide, it was very clear that you were overjoyed.

he lets out a small chuckle at your endearing reaction. he smiles gently at you, and plants a small kiss on your forehead.

with that, he confirmed that you indeed feel the same as he does.

scaramouche

he’d be a meanie at first because his feelings for you are unfamiliar and he doesn’t like it

but he still has the biggest soft spot for you, because the way he feels about you might just be the closest thing he has to having a heart of his own.

in a lot of denial bc of his pride 😰

if any danger were to actually happen to you, he’d no doubt be running to you in an instant.

would be extra irritated if he spots you spending time with any of his fatui colleagues.

he probably follows you around without your knowledge, then gets all flustered if you catch him in the act

“what are you talking about? i just happened to be here for work business, don’t be so egotistical. of course i’m not here for you.”

he’s lying btw

he hates admitting it to himself, but he finds little things about you adorable, like how you enjoy making fun of his hotheaded behavior.

he gets a little irritated at that, but your smile and laughter almost makes him forget all about it.

probably takes him 10 years to confess to you, so unfortunately you have to be the one to do it first

it’s worth it though, because you’d witness scara’s flushed tomato face, which is a first for you! 😄

kamisato ayaka

adorable

blushing mess around you, hides her face often with her fan

would sneak out of the kamisato estate just to meet up with you

even though she might be timid around you, she most definitely won’t hesitate to protect you from anyone who dares to harm you.

you most likely have already seen ayaka perform for you a billion times

would probably make the excuse that she’s cold, so that she can snuggle up to you

often makes requests to you, but not the ones you would usually expect.

for example, she would ask you to be the one to tie her hair for that day, or to join her for a walk around inazuma city for seemingly no reason

she just admires you deeply, or at least that’s what she tells everyone 😅

sure, ayaka is pretty bold at times but confessing her feelings to you is something she can’t bring herself to do, though she had already attempted multiple times.

every attempt of hers could be considered a failure. she was disheartened by this and thought it just wasn’t meant to be.

as always, you’d be there for her whenever she feels down. you consoled her, and admitted that you indeed have feelings for her as well!

[la-muerta]

11.29 Begin - English Translation of Gong Jun’s book

In January 2019, Gong Jun wrote and self-published a book titled 11.29 Begin, with sales from the book going to charity. The book is currently out of print but at that time, he wasn’t very popular yet so he didn’t actually manage to sell many copies, so he quietly donated the projected sales in advance out of his own pocket — 150,000 yuan (about US$23,000). The money went to the China Foundation for Poverty Alleviation (中国扶贫基金会), funding school kitchens for four schools in Sichuan, and fans only noticed because the organisation tagged him in their thank you message. Gong Jun also made the donation under “俊味仙” — the name for his fans.

There are seven chapters plus a preface and afterword, with each chapter talking a bit about the seven projects he had done up to that point, as well as stories about himself and some of his thoughts about life. Gong Jun has said that he doesn’t intend to reprint the book because it has fulfilled its purpose, although he may do similar charity projects in future. I have translated his text but I won’t be posting the photos from the book (also because there are 190 pages in this book ^^;).

Please do not repost my translation anywhere else, including other platforms like twitter and Instagram. If you want to quote parts of it, please link back to me or at least give credit. And if you feel inspired by his book and have the means, perhaps you can consider making a donation to a fund for needy students on his behalf.

Preface

Life is like a long, meandering journey. On the way, many beautiful sights [1] may pass you by, and you can choose to go with the flow or go against it, admiring the scenery along the way and enjoying the freedom, unfettered by limitations. Life is also like a movie, with a rousing opening, ups and downs in the story, and at the end you come away with an understanding of how wonderful the whole process has been and a love for life.

If I could, I would like to just get a backpack and take to the road, so I can feel the wind on my face; travelling throughout the four seasons, admiring the scenery along the way and enjoying the glow of freedom.

If I could, I would like to take a leisurely stroll along the side of a lake, quietly savouring the feeling of not having a care in the world. I would watch movies in the afternoon, taking in the breadth of human experience, and appreciate the joy of being alive.

The hustle and bustle of the city brings its own unique drive and passion. Caught up in this busyness and activity, I often ponder: What kind of person am I? What version of “me” do I want to become? How can I become the version of “me” that I want to become? When I think of things like that out of the blue, it makes me feel like a profound philosopher; and then, poof, I’ll laugh at myself. I never thought I would write a book for myself one day. Before I started writing, the mental draft of things that I wanted to write about would probably have used up countless post-it notes. Suddenly, I discovered that I was more prone to rambling than I’d expected. But when I actually put pen to paper, I didn’t know what to say. Anyway, I hope that from the sparse and simple prose in this book, you can feel the real me, the “me” just the way that I am.

And then, in the unknown future that lies ahead, I hope that even as I pursue my aspirations, I will always remember my original intentions. I hope I can face every unexpected acquaintance and long-awaited meeting with sincerity.

Two years ago, I left Shanghai and came to Beijing. It was an unfamiliar city, a completely new environment, and there’s a vast difference between the north and south (where I’m from). Along the way, I’ve seen different sides to myself, and at different stages and circumstances I’ve experienced love and friendship, as well as setbacks and pain. Still, from the bottom of my heart, I am grateful for all the people I’ve met and experiences I’ve had along the way.

After playing these characters, I’ve discovered that acting is truly a Pandora’s box. In every character, I’ve found a different side of me. I like the rich inner worlds and the unique soul in every character. They are the only ones who will always be with me for every next stage of my journey.  

Life is not a grand banquet of material things, but a polishing of the soul, so that when the curtains fall the soul shines brighter than it did at the beginning when the curtains rose. For example, my favourite singer, Li Ronghao-laoshi, whose soul blossoms with the spirit of all things; he can write a whole song by himself and I can feel the power in the melody and the truth in the lyrics, all of which resonate in my heart. I may be just a fledgling in my career as an actor, but I am willing to work ten times, a hundred times harder, to create a character with a soul. That way, I won’t let myself down, I won’t let the years of my youth down, and I won’t let all of you down.

I would like to dedicate this book, 11.29 Begin, to myself at the age of 26, as well as to the interesting souls I admire.

[1] The phrase he used was 十里春风; literally translated to “ten li of spring scenery”, originating from the poem 《赠别·其一 (Presented at Parting, Part One) 》by Tang Dynasty poet Du Mu.

–

Chapter One

I’ve chosen what I love, so I should love what I’ve chosen. I’ve always wanted to be an actor.

Advance Bravely

Advance Bravely (盛势) is an adaptation of a novel by Chai Ji Dan (柴鸡蛋). Before I was casted in Advance Bravely, I had not read any of Chai-laoshi’s novels. Because the process between accepting the role and starting filming had been very rushed, I didn’t have the chance to read the script properly, so I thought it was simply a drama with two male leads. To better understand the character I was playing, Xia Yao, I decided to read the original novel. My first reaction was: “Wah! This is going too far!” So I was quite resistant at first.

I’ve forgotten where I came across this, but later I read this piece of advice: “I’ve chosen what I love, so I should love what I’ve chosen.” It was truly enlightening. Since I’ve chosen acting as a career, I should be passionate about every role that I play, imbuing every character with a soul and sense of self. That is my job. After that, I loosened up a lot and was less inhibited on set, which also lessened my mental stress. Only by letting go of my self-consciousness can I find my character’s sense of self.

This was not only my first time working with a proper filming crew, but also my first time taking on a role that had so many scenes. Xia Yao is the pivotal character in all the drama’s storylines. At first, I had a hard time coping with the number of scenes I had to film every day, but gradually I got the hang of it. In every production, everyone in the cast and crew are working hard together to present the best work to the audience.

The experience of filming the fight scenes and the scenes in the rain remain vivid in my mind. The martial arts instructors were very patient with me when they taught me the moves and techniques, including wrestling and sprinting under the machines making artificial rain. Previously, I had seen such scenes in the movies and they always looked so cool. Now that I’ve experienced the process of filming them, I realise that it takes a lot of hard work from the cast and crew to complete a scene like that.

We filmed this drama in Tianjin in summer. The weather was really hot and there were a lot of mosquitoes; we would not have survived without fans and a lot of insect repellant. Even the winter scenes were filmed in summer, and I had to wear heavy winter clothing and walk under the blistering sun at 37–38°C temperatures. At that time, I was suffering from an allergic reaction on the skin at the back of my neck, and it was then that I realised that being an actor really isn’t easy.

Xia Yao really enjoys his food, so I had a lot of scenes where I had to eat. I’m also someone who enjoys food so I was really happy until I actually had to film the scenes. Almost all the scenes that involved eating were scheduled on the same days, and in every scene I had to eat a lot to accommodate the various shots from different angles and camera positions, and I did so many takes that I had to keep eating and eating. By the time we wrapped, I had put Xia Yao’s favourite food, lotus root filled with glutinous rice, on my blacklist. I never want to see that dish again in my life, haha.  

To get closer to the character of Xia Yao, when I’d finished filming my scenes for the day, I’d go for roller-blading and boxing lessons. As a result, I only had a few hours of sleep every day, and I felt like I was fighting in a war. I considered giving up a few times, but in the end I managed to pull through, not wanting to let everyone else down and waste all the effort that we had already put in. When I finally saw the finished product and saw that the accumulation of every day’s hard work had been woven into a story with such emotion and spirit, it solidified my passion and aspirations for acting as a career.

Acting is not just a job but a career I love

Before becoming an actor, I knew nothing about it. Now, I think that while you might be able to find a succinct definition of the job in the dictionary, what being an actor entails is so much more than that. Acting (as a profession) is like the rains of the south, constantly changing throughout the four seasons – sometimes a roaring storm and sometimes a gentle drizzle, bold and exciting, elegant and obstinate, always bringing anticipation and imagination, and giving one the kind of energy that seeps into your soul. An actor’s every performance can take your breath away with their mastery of their skill. Whether one is playing the mightiest hero or the most mild-mannered scholar, each character has their own emotional journey and soul.

I love acting. I love being able to experience different life stories through each character, I love the metamorphosis of every character that I bring to life. I love it, and I enjoy every moment of it.

In a life filled with trivial things, acting has become my dream, my aspiration, and where my heart lies. As Stephen King wrote in Shawshank Redemption, “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” For me, right now, that’s what my love for acting means to me. No matter how big the challenge, I will face it bravely.

–

“Life is a train to the grave. There will be many stops along the way, and it is difficult for someone to accompany you from the beginning to the end. When someone who is with you has to get off the train, you should say ‘thank you’ even if you find it hard to let go. Then wave goodbye.”　

一 Spirited Away, Hayao Miyazaki

–

Chapter Two

The process of growing up is like a thief of time; it will steal the things you’ve been dependent on, the things you’ve been holding onto all your life.

Love Lost in Times

Love Lost in Times (醉玲珑) was my first costume drama, so I had to learn a lot of things, including horseback riding, archery, chess and so on. One particular scene filmed mainly in Dunhuang required many shots of me riding a horse, but I had zero experience with horses. It took me almost a whole day to learn how to ride a horse, but they told me I was a pretty fast learner, and I was quite gleeful about that – maybe I have some talent in this area.

I played the role of the eleventh prince, Yuan Ji, or as you all like to call him, “the scary protector of his brother". In the drama, he is brave and loyal, protecting his fourth brother in every way, obeying everything he says, and aiding him in everything he does. Yuan Ji is also pretty devoted in his romantic relationships, doting on Cai Qian. But the reality on set was that everyone was taking care of me. The director guided me on filming techniques, and Wai-ting-ge (William Chan Wai-ting) shared his years of experience with me. As a newcomer to costume drama, every time I couldn’t get into the right headspace, everyone helped me get into character, feeding lines to me off-camera, practising lines with me, and teaching me how to be more natural. I remember there was a scene in which three characters were playing against each other and I couldn’t get into the right headspace. We must have had to do more than ten takes because of me, but the director didn’t blame me. Instead, he guided me patiently, talking through the emotional beats of the scene so that I could get into the character’s headspace more easily, and Wai-ting-ge was there to feed me my lines. It made me feel that the whole cast and crew was like a big family, bringing together a lot of loving and caring people who helped each other like family.

My company is the best gift that I can give my family

There is an old saying: while your parents are still alive, do not travel far.

My parents were always there for me while I was growing up, and now that I’ve grown up, my biggest wish is to take my parents travelling and show them the world. But as an actor, free time is hard to come by. Whenever I do have time between projects, I’ll bring my family out for a spin, taking them to try out food places and shops that have been highly recommended online, and touring famous landmarks and scenic views with them. What’s important is that I’m there to hold their hands.

The moon is always brighter at home [2]

One of my friends shared this quote in our group chat: “I went through so many examinations, but all I got for it was having to leave home, never getting to spend the spring or autumn with my family, only the fleeting winter and summer.” [3]

Going to university was my first taste of separation from my family. I was born in Chengdu, grew up in Chengdu, and I’d never left it before then. On the day that I left, I took the last possible flight out. Behind me were my parents, reluctant to see me go and filled with worry; in front of me lay the university life that I’d been looking forward to. I was suddenly aware that I stood at a turning point in my life. I would no longer have my nagging but loving parents by my side, and I would have to grow into my best self independently, taking responsibility for myself. The two-and-a-half-hour flight brought me to a foreign city. There were none of the familiar little shops that I’d visited every week, none of the internet cafes that I’d frequented when I was playing truant from school, none of all my decade-old “secret bases”.

After I started university, I seldom had the opportunity to spend the mid-autumn festival at home, and after I graduated I didn’t even get to go home many times in a year. Over time, I began to really feel the accumulation of all those mid-autumn festivals and other festivities that I hadn’t had the chance to celebrate with my family. Like my favourite Dongzikou Zhang’s cold noodles and Liaoji Laoma’s pig trotters from the alleyways of Chengdu, all these have become things that I can only experience in my memories.

[2] This is a line from 《月夜憶舍弟 (Thinking of My Younger Brothers on a Moonlit Night)》, a poem by Tang Dynasty poet Du Fu.

[3] These are lyrics from the song ��我的大学 (My University)》. Both the spring festival (the Lunar New Year) and the mid-autumn festival are important celebrations of reunion and family in Chinese culture.

–

Chapter Three

I have come to join this celebration of youth that I’ve heard so much about, pulling aside the curtains to face the unknown with excitement and enthusiasm; embracing it, protecting it.

The spin-off

Love Lost in Times (醉玲珑) and Exquisite Drunken Dream (玲珑醉梦) were filmed at the same time, one after the other, so we managed to keep the same cast for both projects. Because we’d all been working together for a while, we were all very fond of each other and comfortable with each other, and at the later stages we were even confident enough to make suggestions to the director.

Exquisite Drunken Dream is mainly about the eleventh prince and Cai Qian. Xu Muchan and I had gotten to know each other well after Love Lost in Times and we’re very good friends in real life. She’s from Dongbei, so when we’re chatting, sometimes she’ll unconsciously say something in Dongbei dialect so I ended up picking up some of it from her. Sometimes I still slip into Dongbei dialect! I remember reading a joke from somewhere, that if there’s someone from Dongbei living in your dormitories, after a week you’ll all become people from Dongbei. It looks like the Dongbei dialect really does have that power, and Xu Muchan definitely has plenty of the generosity and charm typical of the people from Dongbei.

We had a lot of fun filming Exquisite Drunken Dream and we were more relaxed on set so we were more daring about trying out new things in the scenes that would not have been possible in the main series. There were a lot of characters in Love Lost in Times and every character had a very fulfilling storyline, so we didn’t want to suggest too many of our own changes in case it messed up the big picture story arc. But because Exquisite Drunken Dream revolves around the eleventh prince and Cai Qian, we were more daring about suggesting quirks for our own characters to make them come alive, and contributed more of our own opinions on our performances. That was a new experience for me.

To my beloved friends

I am thankful for the new friends I make from every project, and I’m grateful to have them in my life.

I make friends quite easily. As long as we get along and are comfortable with each other, friendship is as simple as sharing stories over a round of drinks, and being open and relaxed around each other is the most important.

Actually, a lot of my friends are very similar to me in terms of personality, and we share similar interests. Our interactions are simple and casual. I don’t really have many hobbies or interests – playing video/computer games, going to the gym, cooking. I live quite near two of my friends from university, so we’ll play games together, they’ll let me borrow their gym membership cards, and I’ll cook for them. It might not be much, but it makes me happy.

I have passed through your world countless times

Many people will appear and bloom in your life, bringing joy and laughter, while many others will leave, sometimes forever, bringing pain and regret. Time passes quickly, and those who pass through my world must have had a special bond of fate with me.

At the end of every project, I will feel melancholic for a while. The end of a project means we will have to say goodbye to each other, and separation means eventually becoming distant to each other. But because I have put in time and effort into every relationship, I don’t want these relationships to fade over time.

On set, everyone treats me like a younger brother, and the time we spent together remains vivid in my mind – shooting scenes together, memorising our lines together, eating together, playing games together, and chatting about everything and anything together. The happy and busy times pass so quickly and before I know it, it’s time to say goodbye and end this brief time together. With reluctance, gratitude and stammered words of farewell, everyone heads off on their next journey.

–

“I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way. You see, the world looks very different up here… Just when you think you know something, you have to look at it in another way. Even though it may seem silly or wrong, you must try.”

“Seize the day… Carpe Diem.”

一 Dead Poets Society

–

Chapter Four

When you are faced with obstacles, chew through them carefully like you would chew your food. Life is something you have to digest slowly on your own.

Fantasy Westward Journey

Fantasy Westward Journey (梦幻西游) is a classic game that a lot of us played for many years, a unique memory from our youth. I was a fan of the game too and I was really excited when I found out I was going to be in this drama [4]. As an avid gamer, getting to play the main character in the game world is usually the kind of dream you have after gaming all night, but this dream came true for me.

I joined the production team with great anticipation and excitement. All the mountains, rivers, and valleys that I had visited in the game world were represented by green screens on set, and the ever-changing fantastical abilities of the characters would only be added in with CGI in post-production. It was extremely challenging for me at that time to act with no physical guides. The actors were surrounded by green cloth and had to find their own sightlines, camera angles, and position markers.

Because the story would alternate between the historical fantasy setting of the game world and modern day setting of the real world, the actors had to adjust their performances and speech patterns accordingly. In the game world, we had to speak in a more elegant manner, while the dialogue in modern scenes were done in casual everyday speech. A lot of the scenes played on the juxtaposition and switching between these two settings. I learnt a lot through this production, including new acting techniques.

The ten-thousand-year love affair between Chengdu people and hotpot

Chengdu people like to take life at a leisurely pace – it is our attitude to life and things that come our way. I was born and raised in Chengdu, and like the people of my hometown, I enjoy a comfortable and relaxed lifestyle but that doesn’t mean that I’ll overindulge in it. The best way to demonstrate the characteristics of Chengdu people is probably in the spirit of the way we eat hotpot. In Chengdu, eating hotpot is all about the mood and feelings it inspires. Slow cooking brings out the unique flavours and reminds us to savour life. Every ingredient dipped however briefly in the soup stock makes us realise that every chance meeting adds to the rich tapestry of our lives, and the bubbling soup mimics the ups and downs that we must experience in life.

To fully experience Chengdu’s spirit of hotpot-eating, you must of course eat it with both the “ma” (numbing) and “la” (spiciness) flavours. There are hotpot restaurants everywhere you go, and all of them are imbued with the same spirit. You can cook tens of thousands of ingredients of every variety in the same hotpot, and that is how you understand the tolerance and open-mindedness of the people of Chengdu.

I’ve loved eating hotpot since I was a child – I don’t know if I was born with a taste for it, or it was something inculcated by my family. When I was young, my family ran a business and there was a hotpot restaurant near the factory. I ate there very frequently, basically every other day. The owner of the restaurant was very friendly with my family, and I ate there so often that I was practically like their foster son!

Eat more, my friends, life is short!

In many households, the mother is the one who is capable both in and out of the kitchen and the father just sits in the living room soaking his feet and watching TV. But in my family, my dad takes care of everything in the household, and he also has a special skill – he’s a really good cook. When I was a kid, my mother and paternal grandmother would always play assistant to my father and paternal grandfather in the kitchen. One of my most heart-warming memories from childhood was that after walking home from school every day at noon, my grandfather would have my lunch ready and he would be waiting for me at home. I liked to watch TV while I ate, so my grandfather would mix the sauce from the dishes in my rice before bringing me my meal, and if I ate well he would chuckle and pat me on the head. In my memory, my grandfather’s hands were very large and warm. [5]

When I was young, my family had a small factory, and the cook at the factory cafeteria was a really good cook. When I had nothing to do during the summer holidays, I would go and watch him cook and I learnt a lot of cooking techniques from him. Most of the dishes I know how to cook are Sichuan cuisine, and the finished products are all pretty presentable. The first time I cooked was during the Lunar New Year – I cooked a full table of dishes for my family, and although it’s so long ago that I don’t remember how the food tasted, I still remember the pleased smiles on the faces of my family members. Probably because of the affirmation I received when I was young, I have always taken great delight in cooking, so I often cook for my friends and colleagues. When I’m at home and not away filming, my house is basically their communal dining hall.

With a messy kitchen, a dining table laden with piping hot dishes, and three to five friends getting together with laughter and jokes, even being in the big city of Beijing doesn’t feel so lonely anymore.

[4] This drama series was filmed in 2017 but put on the back-burner for a long time. After the success of Word of Honour, it was eventually released in April 2021 under the title The Player (指尖少年). Gong Jun is also currently the new spokesperson for the PC version of the game.

[5] Gong Jun’s paternal grandfather passed away in 2015, four years before the publication of this book.

–

Chapter Five

No longer wandering aimlessly along this limitless and boundless path to growing up, but seeking victory through experiences, finding a direction, and always searching.

Art On!

Art On! (艺术生) [6] is a coming-of-age drama series about youthful inspiration, with art students as its main characters. As an art student myself, I really empathised with the challenges the characters faced working towards the university entrance exams/auditions.

Dance is the second most important skill that all art students have to learn, but for someone like me with very bad physical coordination, it was a real challenge. Before we began filming, all the actors went for about half a month of classes. The different stretching exercises were a nightmare for me, but I gritted my teeth and bore with the pain for half a month. Filming Art On! was like reliving my days as an art student in university. Other than the dance classes that I couldn’t get the hang of, everything else was more or less familiar to me, so it was much easier to get into the role.

The straight-A student with a guilty conscience

Other than the dance practices, another challenge I faced for this role was having to understand how it felt to be a straight-A student. In the drama, my character is an all-rounder and high achiever with perfect grades, but in real life I’m the complete opposite. I think most guys don’t like studying when they’re young – this is my personal opinion, and maybe I’m just giving myself excuses for my poor results. Anyway, there are always many outstanding students in school, but I was never one of them.

I’ve never stressed myself about school. The classroom was the best place for naps and internet cafes were my favourite haunt. I slept during classes and only woke up to play computer/video games after school, and sometimes I’d even play truant so that I could spend more time playing games. Before I started preparing for my university entrance exams/auditions, I had probably never put in any real effort in my studies. It was only after I became an art student that I decided that it was time to put in some effort towards my own life.

An accidental occurrence

The university entrance examinations are an extremely stressful period, an army of thousands trying to cross a bridge made from a single plank. By the time I realised that I would actually have to study to get into university, it felt like it was already too late. But sometimes life is like that – just when you’ve given up hope, the gods will give you a bit of candy.

One completely ordinary afternoon, three teachers came to visit our class. After one week of observations, one of the teachers pointed at me and said, “Could you please step out.” Just like that, the door to the examinations/auditions for art students was open to me. I worked hard to learn the skills needed for the auditions, and every day was rewarding, happy, but also very tiring. Fortunately, I soon received the acceptance letter for Donghua University in Shanghai.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if the teachers hadn’t walked into my class that day, or if I had played truant again and hadn’t been in school? What would my life be like now?

Youth, in all its glory

There’s a song that goes, “Youth is a journey where you may stumble and fall, but when you look back on it, there’s beauty in it” [7], and I think that’s exactly what it’s like. Art On! brought me back to a university campus and made me feel like I was reliving my university days. All the big story arcs and little details brought back so many memories of those four years.

It is the best age, the best time to shape up into the best version of yourself. There were a lot of students learning together, and most of our days were pretty mundane. But whenever we had to put up an actual performance, there would be a lot of laughter. Because we were all inexperienced actors, our performances were very unstructured, and when we watched our classmates perform, we didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry.

My university days were filled with both laughter and tears, and it was both the easiest and the toughest time. Being reminded of a single moment can lead to endless reminiscing, a beautiful memory of youth. I remember that one chef on the first floor of Cafeteria No. 2 made really good claypot rice, I remember being scolded by the lady in charge of the dormitories for secretly cooking hotpot in the dormitories, I remember the banners under the parasol tree where you could confess your crush, and I remember riding my bicycle through the breeze that made my short hair slightly messy.

[6] This drama series was filmed in 2017 but has not been released, although there are rumours that it might be released at the end of 2021 or in 2022.

[7] 《小幸运 (A Bit of Good Fortune)》by Hebe Tian.

–

“Only when one travels can one hear their own voice. It will tell you that the world is bigger than one can imagine. In this world, you will meet many opportunities, but you will never meet ‘God’. You have to find your own way.”

一 Spirited Away, Hayao Miyazaki

–

Chapter Six

I had a cup of hot coffee in my hand, or perhaps it was a cup of warm milk tea – I forget. All I remember are the opportunities and tribulations that came and went.

Unique Lady (绝世千金)

As a newbie, my acting experience and life experiences are both limited, so I enjoy getting the opportunity to experience new things during filming. Unique Lady is adapted from a text-based adventure role-playing game titled Lascivious Lady (好色千金) with a very Mary Sue protagonist. My character, Zhong Wumei, is arrogant with a dark side, sharp-tongued but secretly kind-hearted, a domineering prince who will choose righteousness over love. The part about this production that left the strongest impression on me is that the director would step in to fill whatever roles were required when we were short of actors, playing both male and female characters. He was very good at helping us figure out where we needed improvement, and it was always very entertaining when he dressed up for female roles.

Creating a “Domineering CEO”-type character for costume dramas that stands out from the rest means coming up with new gimmicks. The director gave me a lot of suggestions and inspiration when I was figuring out the character, and I really must thank him for his guidance.

My personal “Doraemon”

I really am quite a lucky person. I didn’t experience much hardship when I was growing up, and a lot of people took care of me when I went to university. In my second year of university, my seniors from school linked me up with some jobs filming commercials. That was my first taste of working life, and my first practical learning experience. After graduation, I stayed in Shanghai and filmed commercials for a year, but gradually I realised that as an actor, this wasn’t what I wanted from my career or pace of life. So I decided to move up north to Beijing.

In the cartoon series Doraemon, the main character Nobita has a round blue friend that he can always count on – I have a round friend who is always by my side too, my biaoge (older male cousin). My biaoge is very plump and fair, and with a full beard on his face, he may look quite fierce. But in reality, he’s a very kind, sensitive, and meticulous person. He’s given me a lot of help along the way, and I discuss a lot of things with him. Initially, I was quite anxious and uneasy about moving to Beijing, but even when faced with the unfamiliar and unforeseeable future, I knew that my biaoge had my back. He helped me with renting a place and the little everyday things, so that my move to the big city went smoothly and comfortably.

A strong support team

Many people who come to Beijing to find work may find that it’s full of hardship and really not easy, but things have gone pretty well for me since I’ve come to Beijing, and that’s my bit of good fortune. I haven’t experienced anything that has been particularly unbearable or upsetting since I’ve moved to Beijing, and things have been fairly smooth-sailing both in work and in my personal life.

Soon after I moved to Beijing, Chai Ji Dan-laoshi found me through Weibo, and I was casted in my first ever drama series, Advance Bravely – so thank you Dandan-jie.

Since I started my career, I have found that the difficulties of being a newcomer, the struggle to make ends meet, and preparing for the daily grind, have not drowned my passion and enthusiasm for this place. Instead, I feel that these experiences have made my life more real and added flavour to it. I have been able to adjust to and accept these unfamiliar things because I have my team, Biao-ge, my cousin, and many, many people around me supporting me. Their help, guidance, and companionship have given me the confidence and a great sense of security so that I can persevere on my path. I know that I will face other difficulties in future, but I believe that I will still be able to overcome them with big strides and keep going forward.

–

“I didn’t remember what month that was, or what year even. I only knew the memory lived in me, a perfectly encapsulated morsel of a good past, a brushstroke of color on the gray, barren canvas that our lives had become.”

一 The Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini

–

Chapter Seven

Fate doesn’t always come knocking, but when it does, it always arrives with a dramatic entrance. That’s why its other name is “Moment”.

Just a little drunk

The protagonist in Flavour It’s Yours (看见味道的你) was even more of a Mary Sue than the one in Unique Lady. In this drama series, I played a genius wine critic – except that my superhuman taste buds had to be awakened with a kiss, and that was the beginning of a strange love story.

In my opinion, when filming romantic dramas, you have to know each other very well. Once you get in character, you must imagine that you really are the character in this story. When I was filming Flavour It’s Yours, I convinced myself that I was indeed Lu Weixun, and I really loved the girl who was standing in front of me. To make a character come alive, you have to invest real feelings when you are acting out the scene. But once filming is over, you must step out of the character and live your own real life.

Flipped

One of my favourite movies is Flipped (an American romantic comedy released in 2010, with the Chinese title 《怦然心动 (Fluttering Heart)》). “Every once in a while, you find someone who’s iridescent, and once you do, nothing will ever compare.”

Finding someone you like is easy, but finding one who matches you is a little bit more difficult. Liking someone is about finding them attractive, feeling positive about everything they say or do; but the transition from “liking” to “matching" each other means you will end up taking on some of each other’s qualities. This is a process that nobody else can get in the way of, a communion of two souls and a promise to guard and protect each other. With such a relationship, you can find comfort in each other’s company, and you feel the simplicity and purity of the connection.

Many people spend their youth being involved in all sorts of heart-rending and gut-wrenching romantic relationships, but I seem to have spent most of my youth playing games and hanging out with my buddies. Looking back now, I’m actually quite envious of people who’ve experienced earth-shaking, passionate romantic relationships.

I can’t give you a definite physical description of my ideal type of girl or tell you what kind of personality she should have. But when she does appear in my life, I will take her hand bravely and invite her into my life.

–

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts.”

一 Darkest Hour (a 2017 UK war drama film)

–

Afterword

I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I’m already on the way there.

This is a letter to myself at the age of 26, as well as a summary of my life so far. A lot of unexpected meetings and events have happened in my life, but luckily, all of them have been beautiful and fortunate accidents. Both the joy when things are going smoothly and the pain when things are not going well are stepping stones for the long, arduous path to the future, so that I can keep improving and become a better version of myself.

In the past, I often felt lost and confused, but now I’ve finally had the time and energy to sum up all the things that have happened in my life and work so far. This book, 1129, marks the beginning of a new phase of my life, and is also a farewell to the phase that has passed. Whether the path ahead is going to be a field of flowers or a sea of thorns, I will face it filled with confidence and courage. After all, I’m already on the way…

With thanks to

I would like to thank all those who have accompanied me and supported me, giving me energy and strength. Their appearance in my life have helped me so much, and I am thankful to fate for bringing these people into my life and giving me the chance to know them.

A note in Gong Jun’s handwriting that is printed at the end of the book:

I’ve used the scenery I’ve seen along the way (as a backdrop to the photos in this book) to present this image of myself: someone who doesn’t have very intense desires, but also someone who doesn’t like a bland life. Like the majority of people, I am unexceptional but real, and both sincere and genuine.

Along the way, in both the happy and sad times, all of you have been there with me, sharing your warmth with me. I am thankful for your unwavering companionship and your constant unchanging warmth. To me, you are all priceless and rare treasures [8], and in the blank pages at the end of this book, I hope you can write down your own feelings and give it the perfect ending.

Gong Jun

[8] The phrase he used was 夏代有工的玉; literally translated to “jade with workmanship from the Xia Dynasty”, originating from the poem 《可遇不可求的事 (Things That You May Chance Upon But Cannot Seek)》 by Chinese novelist Feng Tang. The Xia Dynasty was the first dynasty in Chinese history (2070–1600 BC) and the jade items that survived from that era were almost never polished or worked on, so it’s a metaphor for something priceless and incredibly rare.

[the-lady-general]

Insomnia essay about LDS, Reflections, beware of heavy spoilers. Terrible spelling, very rambly. I'm not getting any sleep and neither will you :p

Tl;dr: latest lds is one of my new favourite episodes overall, they're showing that geniune nerd passion that makes star trek so amazing. also i love where this season is going and i love that the showrunners are catering to me personally specifically. (lds is The Most Trek.)

i think it's telling that what gets mocked in both plots are the uniforms and the optics and the whack fringe bs that starfleet have to deal with (the delta flyer as the culprit for threshold, the brain worms from conspiracy). it's also telling that cadet rutherford has some of the most vicious criticisms against starfleet. but look at him and the passion he has for making space hot rods! rutherford-of-the-present is so shocked at how angry rutherford-of-the-past is, but they both care SO MUCH. they just want to build spaceships and go fast and make friends! present rutherford can see that past rutherford's anger is infantile, and he's lashing out because he's scared and hurt, presumably by the institution he trusts. there are still entirely benign options for the line "he'll think it was elective" - it might have been a traumatic accident and a next of kin decided to take the chance and not saddle rutherford with the memory for example. of course "starfleet was problematic" does make for the more compelling story. but considering how this season is going ("trust the system!" and it works! because this is the utopian future!), it would surprise me if they did it in any other way than "starfleet was problematic, and the problem is going to get fixed".

the archaeologist and mariner likewise is a super compelling subplot. because mariner wants to be the Bad Boy so badly, but she saved the contact after the archeologist revealed she's a good guy - just stealing the elgin marbles from the british museum/those toras from the vatican museum rather than doing it the long-winded paper-based way that starfleet would have done. and i can't remember right now and i'm too lazy to look it up, but was it mariner who complained about federation scientists always "taking the shortcut & not going through the academy" and then needing starfleet to rescue them in minding the mind's mines? we also don't see the archeologists motivations at all - does she geniunely care about returning the grand nagus staff because it's the symbol of office for the head of the ferengi theocracy? or does she just want to be the Big Damn Hero who Doesn't Play By The Rules? and does it even matter to rom and the ferengi?

(as an aside: does rom care about the stick. does he have a new one. is the old one in any way significant to him or his people. was zek's stick auctioned off for his funeral. rom's the fucking nagus, he could have hired a ferengi crew to steal it back and wouldn't have needed to rely on a human.)

and can you imagine getting mocked for "aren't you guys a military" not even a decade after the dominion war? when you're representing ALL peaceful interests of ALL member species? because the mission isn't just about expansion or border protection or w/e:

the presumption is that the universe is enormous and full of friends, life that we don't even understand, amazing phenomena that make you reconsider your place in life/society/the universe, technologies and cultures that can elevate the standard of living on a massive scale - and then you constantly come across, like, abandoned drones that destroy planets, lifeforms like the horta or the space amoeba that are dangerous to the unwary, parasitic life that destroys entire cultures on purpose, expansionist empires, cultures that choose outright fascism or slavery or personal gain over societal welfare. and your own people are constantly running away to the fringes and settling somewhere to found Weird Cults without legal oversight. And ultimately, the Federation has its problems, because how WOULDN'T you have problems, but there is such an emphasis on self-determination of members and neighbours that the result is a massive collection of cultures who enjoy such a high standard of living that even participation in society (work, military service etc) is entirely voluntary for billions of people.

And it's all so incredibly fragile. so when there's a cemented windsock or a cube or a romulan with ambitions or fucking butt parasites are headed for earth, who are you going to call? THE GUYS WHO JUST WANT TO STUDY QUASARS. and then you laugh at them because their sincerest wish is to not be a military, but they are the ones fulfilling that role when necessary.

(because they put themselves into that role on purpose. but that's the set up, isn't it? what if the military'a first mission was humanitarian and scientific? what if they tried to protect everybody regardless of membership status?)

I think for fans and official writers it's always tempting to look for the grimdark in starfleet because on the one hand, that's what's missing from the original vision (not really, there's plenty of grimdark right from the start, but they're optimists about it.). on the other hand the whole thing is coming out of american exceptionalism, which isn't the worst basis for speculative fiction. and on the third (?) hand, there has been this fashion since the early 2000s (and i blame 9/11 and shrek, whomst i love) of doing everything ironically and deride the kind of passion that makes star trek so great.

So the last episode was SO GOOD and very cathartic. They just want to study quasars and protect the right to self-determination of all sentient life! that's what they care about! and it's so easy to point and laugh and call them nerds because, to steal from tolkien's lotr foreword, they've bared their heart for all the world to see and take a shot at.

[pupiiaye]

Reminiscence of Violence //. A yandere Diluc x GN reader.

They were a virus, a disease that needed curing, a simple tune that needed listening. They were a pill, an addiction if you will. He had to have it, he craved it more than the bloodlust that trickled through his veins and caused up a storm. What exactly was this feeling? Why did he feel it? Why was it more intense than the deaths and bloodshed he's seen a thousand times over? And why… why did he want it so badly? Why did he want to rip it from its core and feast upon it like a starving man? Tonight, he will have his answer.

Fair warnings: knife play, character death / threat implied, possessiveness, spankings, dirty talk, a rather dark Diluc, markings.

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The stars in the sky glistened above them, whispering secrets told from different lands, different stories. The clear wind danced through trees, kissed against skin, leaving their invisible mark against the bare flesh. It was not odd to be seen wandering around the grassy plains of Mondstadt, travelers and knights had duties to attend to, commissions to complete and bounties to conquer. Moonlight blessed those who decided to wander without any real reason, the wanderer in question being a simple soul. One who had found themselves living amongst the city of freedom for quite some time. Not a knight, but a fair citizen who took the pleasure in helping others. They didn't consider themselves to be a savior, nor did they consider themselves to be someone without any purpose. This was the main reason as to why they've managed to catch the eye of /the/ the richest man in Mondstadt.

It goes without saying that this was rather impressive, everyone can see the clear hook they had on him. The addiction they provided without even doing as much as lifting a finger. Their eyes screamed of excitement, and in return the ex knight's heart would scream with desire. Diluc, quiet noble man who had his morals, his regrets, and his fancies. Diluc, the man who didn't take pleasure in affairs or hit offs, the man who cared not of looks but of trust and genuine emotions.

This drove a man crazy, off the walls even. It was not of hate, but confusion as to why or how one person could pull the heaviest of beats out of his once dying heart. Frowns that once covered his features turned into ones of admiring grins, turned into little smirks whenever they would ramble and rant about their passions. Beauty, they were littered with it, from the very gleam of irises to the movement of plush lips. Archon's, he wanted to taste them, wanted to nibble and bite into those moving pillows they called lips. He wanted to make them bleed and bruise after getting done with kissing them, and would he stop there? Absolutely not.

His daydreams were becoming worse, and the only thing that could snap him out of them were the blissful sounds of laughter. The symphony of little chuckles mixed in with a breathy hiccup of air. Oh, he knew this sound like he knew the scriptures of poetry, this sound was one he got drunk on. Instead of wine, he could listen to his baby's sweet giggles until death slayed him where he stood.

The reason as to why it was happening, however, was enough to make a man see red. How dare he? How dare that betraying drunk prick, the simple audacity of this … Fool. Was he asking for another death wish, perhaps? Did he wish to watch the flames of hell rise once more? Did he want Diluc to throw him out in the coldness of oceans and watch him choke and gasp and cling on to whatever breath of fucking air he could get? So many questions, not enough action. The solid glass in his hand could shatter from how tight he was gripping it, however Diluc was a man with pride, a man with patience and logic on his side. He would not yell, he would not allow his nerves to get the best of him. What he will do, is way worse than a simple “get the hell out” will do.

“Sir Kaeya, last time I checked, that was your fifth drink as of tonight. I suggest you wrap it up quickly before it gets too dark.”

The words were not of an option, but rather one of a demand. Those blazing embers Diluc called eyes were boring into a crystal one. He did not care where Kaeya went, how he got there, or where he will end up. All he knows is that he best make his decision quick before patience thinned out. The look he got in return did nothing to calm his raging pulses of blood either, he could kill this man given that chance again. This time, Diluc wouldn't forget it.

“My, what a rush… Pardon me, Master Diluc. I was not aware you had other things to tend to, throwing me out so soon. Or do you wish to have them to yourself, hm? Very well, I mustn't interrupt your … Desires. Just do not have too much fun whilst everyone are away, it would only make me jealous. Ain't that right, sweetheart?”

This chattering baboon talked too much, he was too touchy with what clearly belonged to Diluc. He did things too much, talked too smoothly, acted as if they had any interest in him when Diluc knew for a fact who the real winner was. As expected, Kaeya always thought certain things belonged to him, and for once in his life Diluc had the urge to be as competitive as his brother.

“Are you quite done? Hurry up and take your leave, or do I have to throw you out myself?”

Venom laced with every word, hands turning white from how hard he gripped onto the table. Mark his words, when he's done laying claim, this man was next on his overdue hit list. His thoughts were so loud that he didn't even hear his brother mocking him before the tavern doors closed with a squeak. So loud that he didn't even hear his soon-to-be — no, that's not right. They are his dearest, his love, his desires, and everything more. Right? Why would they look at him with such concern if not were true? Why would they touch his arm and smile so sweetly if not for him? Did they not come to him, and only him when scared, if not because they held dear feelings that he too reciprocated? They loved him, it was plain as can be. They adored him even, yet they were too shy to admit it to his face. Figures, Diluc knew this, he knew them more than the back of his hand. They just need a little help expressing It, right? Especially with the way they were chatting and laughing up a storm with his dearest, soon to be dead, brother.

Clouded eyes came back down to heaven, that heaven being the warm smile of his love. That's so much better, he didn't want to see that smile directed towards anyone else but him, it wasn't their fault. They didn't know that they belonged to Diluc yet, and that was okay. This is why he must teach a very simple lesson. One that will engrain itself in their memories until death.

“I find it funny…” eyes hands smooth over the wooden surface of the bar stand. He took in the smoothness, the patterns that followed along his fingers. “I find it hilarious even, how he thinks you belong to him when we both know that isn't true, right?”

What was that expression they wore? Confusion? Oh, how Diluc loved it when they played stupid, they were nothing of the sort. Perhaps they wanted to entice Diluc further, pull him in deeper, so he could ravish them against this here bar stand. Yeah, that's exactly what it was, Diluc could tell, he knew the signs all well. Being the observant man he was, he would not allow this one to wiggle free from his dangerous palms.

Slowly, gloves slowly began their journey off of slender fingers. Those red eyes burning into ones of a pretty little thing, just waiting to be taken. Their body screamed to be claimed and taken over by, but not just for anyone — no. He danced those same eyes up and down, taking their time to design the way they'll look, shivering and begging for more of him. He took his time imprinting the thought of them choking on air as he drew breaths and sweet words out of them. Bare hands reached for the blade tucked away in the waist band of his pants. Hands gliding over the wooden surface as long legs carried him out to where they sat. Confusion on their face turned into one of interest, and oh Diluc could not wait until that face of theirs turned into one of pleasure, pain, and agony. He wanted to make them beg, scream, chant his name like a god-damn song. It will happen, he's sure of it. They had nowhere to run, nowhere to escape. The only thing saving them from Diluc's hands was Diluc alone.

“Now, I hate to be the giver of bad news, but he doesn't own you. You do not beckon to his every call, and you certainly do not belong to him. Your thoughts, your words, your actions, even the way you move…”

A small sigh, eyes casting down on sweet thighs that were soon to be marked with the carvings of his name

“You know it all belongs to me, correct? When you lay in bed, and you drift your pretty head to sleep, you are aware you dream of me, yes? When you bat those eyes and look up … At me, you know I am the one who controls that seemingly empty head of yours, right?”

There's so much silence, but Diluc has enough patience to see the way their legs clench at every word, could hear the way their breathing thickens and stutters in the back of their throat. That's all he needed to see to know what he was saying was nothing far from true. Finally, hands are reaching forward, moving to caress and then cup at warm cheeks. Blushing, he can tell just from how abnormally hot they were. Their temperature is never this warm, he should know since he memorized their normal body heat.

“So you do know that. Then why is it, why my pretty flaming flower…”

Remember back when he thought he had patience? Apparently he had thought wrong of himself. He found his hands gripping tightly to their jaw, the free hand coming down to cup at smooth thighs. Oh, oh how they flinched so beautifully in his grasp, oh the hopeless look in their eye made his dick sing. They way they didn't resist, the way their thighs rubbed together. Their body was so damn honest, what was he to do? How could he not take them when they were basically asking for it?

"Why is it you let him touch you? Why did you allow him to touch and flirt with something that clearly belongs to me? Answer me, quickly."

He saw their mouth open to talk, and for a moment he had nothing but the thought of making them choke on his cock. Soon, not tonight, but soon enough.

"I'm sure he wasn't flirting, Diluc. You know Kaeya, he talks with charm, theres nothing I can do about that."

Wrong move.

A deep breath was taken before a hot hand reached up to grab at their arms, pulling them up just to twist them around and push them against the edges of his very own bar.

"Give me a good reason why I should not mark this body with my name at this moment."

He didn't give them time to answer, too busy trailing the edges of a blade down their clothed back. No matter, they do not need to talk all too much. Diluc only wanted to hear their cries and begs, nothing more nothing less. "Tell me that you desire me. I need to hear you speak your truth before I continue, I already know that you do so do not try to lie to me, dear flower."

His words spoke deep into their ear, tone clear and free from hesitation. And when their lips opened to plead for him, oh it made it all the much better. His pride hit the ceiling, he knew it. All those signs from before were so true, and now he was able to hear it for himself, soak in those desperate words of, "yes Diluc, please take me. Make me yours, please." oh how polite they were, always so obedient, always listening out for any command. What a good pet they were, what a good flower they were.

The sounds of material being cut open filled the thick air, along with those rough fingers feeling up the smooth of their back, enjoying the way his canvas felt right under his flaming tips. Diluc could not wait to sink his teeth in and taste their sweet necture himself. Those eyes drunk up their topless form once more before trailing the knife further down, he had other days to take his time with them. Tonight they were his to destroy and break down.

Lips and teeth ran free on their body. Leaving purplish marks against sweet tender skin, his knife work not being cut short. He made sure to tear at their bottoms leaving them in nothing but the bruises he had gifted them. Their sweet moans and whimpers filling his ears, filling his desire to ruin them even further. He wasted no time in running possesive hands down their waist, grabbing at thighs just to pull them apart. The squirming under his palms not going unnoticed, infact he laughed something dark at the way their body twitched and pathetically squealed under his touch.

'Look at you. Isn't this just pathetic, if it were any other day I would give you the honor of laying under my damn boot just to watch your body squirm for me. Just to watch it beg for me to continue, Archons look at how you move, and you expect me to just stand idle while others try and get of piece of you? No, I refuse."

It didn't end there, his touches only got more intense. Grabbing a handful of their ass, manhandling it under a rough smack was placed upon them. Oh he hoped that left a bruise, he hoped that with another smack they would cry out /louder/ for him. He deserved to hear. After nights and endless nights of not being able to see them under him, Diluc deserved to watch them grow more desperate for him.

"Look at that, look at you squirm for me and not him. Listen to the way you call my name and not his. Do you know what that is? It's the signs of you belonging to me, nobody else but me. And if I catch anyone, and I mean /anyone/ putting their damn hands on you I will make sure to take you in front of them. That is a promise, my flower."

He made sure they could feel his now slicked up warm fingers prodding at their entrance, the dark chuckle exiting from his lips and into their burning ears. The warmth of their gates of heaven fans against his fingers and diluc can't help but groan out in pure need. Oh how crazy they make him. With caution diluc moves his fingers in, one and then the next and then the next after that. Each finger slipping inside once pained gasps turned into ones of satisfaction and greed. They were so good for him, taking him like he was no damn problem. As expected of course, it were only his fingers after all, but soon...

Sounds of metal and then thick clothing could be heard hitting the ground. Their ears can pick up the way diluc's breathing deepened, showing signs of how badly he needed this just as much as they did. Hot hands suddenly slam on either side of them, their skin touching so they can feel how hot Diluc was at the moment. No words were spoken while a hand came behind them, caressing that sweet throat just to pull their head back. Lips coming in contact with their own, connecting in this brutal dance of love, crazy untammed and dangerous love.

This was a great time for him to distract them, leading his aching cock with the other free hand he had. Poking at their entrance with the demand to be let in, eyes glowing with determination. Inch by inch walls wrapped tight around him loosened up the more they took him in. Archons the way they arched against his chest and lips trembled against his own, the way they whimpered and furrowed their eyebrows, gods help him for he is a man weakened by the simple sight of them breaking down.

"That's it... There we go, you take it. You take it like the good bitch you are, yeah? Look at you, god damn look at you. Do you think kaeya could make you react like that? Here allow me to help you answer that."

Hips finally got sent flying home. Making contact with their skin, kissing at the thin layer of sweat, evidence of how much work was put in. Diluc felt his grin widen, something so foreign to his features, yet he invited it in whenever they were involved. One hand came down to grip at those hips, pulling them back home to the base of his cock every single time. They cries, oh their sweet cries encouraged diluc to destroy that willing hole of theirs. The tears that began to bubble up brought him nothing but satisfaction, the gush and mess made was art against his now squirming canvas.

"Harder. Cry harder for me if you wish to cum, I promise you I'm not allowing you out of this damn tavern until your tears beg me to. You can squirm and gush all over my fucking cock as much as you please, but until I start seeing some real tears... Well, baby love, you can kiss Kaeya goodbye, would be a shame for him to lose a friend, hm?"

This was followed by harsher thrust, his dick swelling up to the brim, damn near ready to explode and unload deep inside of their aching fuckhole. Oh but the harder they teared up and rushed out with tears, the more diluc couldn't help but wish to fill them up with his thickening seed. His hand on their throat growing tighter and tighter until one more thrust sent them jerking against the edge. Hand now moving to their head, pushing them down until their faces squished against the wooden table. He kept them there while hips rolled his name out against their ass, unloading his cum inside of their shivering walls. Feeling them clench and gush with their own orgasm, oh how proud he was to know they knew when to cum. How proud he was to know that his flower could milk him for everythiing he had.

"That's it.. There we go, you are so good for me, sweet flower. Unfortunately I am not finished with you."

Diluc, a man who will never be satisfied until things were perfect. Diluc , a gentlemen , a man who only believed in trust and hard work. Diluc, the man who could go more than one or two rounds. Diluc , the man who made them scream until their throat went dry and their vision went blurry.

Tonight he laid his claim, and much like many other nights, he will make sure the entire city of Mondtstadt knew who they belonged to.