#congrats to my parents on avoiding creating a terrible person

[elegantmantaray]

So! Apparently, people become pacifists not just on principle but also because they genuinely DON'T LIKE VIOLENCE!?

Like they DON'T enjoy the sight of blood?! Or tearing into an enemy in various ways? I mean, I knew I was different, but today I realized my relationship with violence is NOT NORMAL.

If I wasn't taught the intrinsic value of life, and didn't have video games as an outlet for my bloodlust...

Yeah, I probably would not be a law-abiding citizen, that's for sure.

[yanfeisty]

Hi, congrats for reaching 400 followers!🎉

May I request Kazuha x reader with prompt number 12 (sfw), with reader had a terrible past? (I prefer hurt-comfort, but all it's up to you!)

Always stay safe and healthy!

—  PROMPT  : Your backstory is so sad, let me spoil you. Prompt event.

—  A/N :  Thank you and stay safe and healthy too! 

—  CW :  Religious themes. Reader has low self-esteem bc of parents.

Kazuha had always been a humble man, not asking for anything, or at least much, not like he needed anything, he prefered to use what life offered him along the way.

He really appreciated what you gifted him, but he didn't think he deserved it, not in the way that he wasn't worth of them, but another person would appreciate them better at their true value. He tried to confront you about it one day, but you just brushed off and said you simply felt generous, but he didn't believe it, the others didn't get such a special treatment like he did. He had to get to the bottom of this, why did you insist so much.

He was abled to read people, their feelings, personality and even had a hint of their possible background. He had seen a lot and went through so many things that he could see through your behavior, how you wanted to avoid certain subjects, denied praise, and refused every offerings you were given. And so, he tried again to talk with you.

"Your grace, may I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, sure, go ahead."

"Do you perhaps feel guilty about being given so much, that giving them others makes you feel a lot better."

You weren't sure how to react, but you knew about some point it would happen. You stayed silence for a few minutes, but Kazuha stood patiently, without trying to force the words out of your mouth.

"I-I just...don't feel like I deserve this title, I know everyone tell me that I created this and that, but I only remember feeling like a failure." You took a moment to prepare yourself from what you were going to tell him next.

"My grades weren't high enough for my parents and they took all their anger on me for everything bad that happened to them, and kept telling me I wouldn't be able to continue the family's business even if I wanted to discover the world." You sighted. "I think you're right, I don't deserve any of that, and maybe I saw myself in you and your backstory, I'm sorry I shouldn't have force you."

You looked away from him, hiding the small tears threatening to escape, but you felt a hand landing softly on yours. You turned to him, his eyes never left you.

"Your backstory is so sad, let me spoil you." He said, now stroking small circles on your hand.

"Huh, no, no, there's no need to buy me things."

"Luxury isn't the only way to spoil someone, affection works too, and I think we both deserve some." He gave a dazzling smile, you couldn't help but return.

[jigensass]

Here we are (this is very long so TL;DR this blog is getting archived)

It’s been over a week since I’ve taken a hiatus and a few close people know about what has happened. And I have made a decision in response to an insight meditation retreat I took over the course of this weekend. 

 I’m going to be dropping roleplaying Stephen and possibly roleplaying altogether. 

First, after 5 years of this blog, you’re probably wondering why. Well, I woke up. 

Yes, I’m a talented writer and I can weave your fantasies into realities. Yes, I enjoy every single person I have written for. You’re not the problem. My writings are the problem that is hurting my lifestyle and it leads to toxic behavior. 

Ever since I decided to go into this hiatus and a few days prior, I’ve been peeling back that I am more sensitive than others to certain situations and at sometimes have the ability to as previously stated, weave fantasies into realities and make them feel as real as possible. This can be problematic when I get in too deep. So much as I have in the past without even realizing, begin to dissociate the line and my own reality and the one I made that I have fallen in love with. The two begin to crossover and I don’t even realize I’m doing it until it’s too late. This had led to multiple people getting hurt and I didn’t even know I was doing it.  Why has this been happening for so long and I’m noticing it after 26 years? Well, no one kind of stopped me or I didn’t notice because when I was younger I lived in my own little world. And that own little world became the internet and then the internet started converging with the little world and I didn’t know what to do except the one thing I knew best: make up stories and not even realizing it, they became my own little world. It’s how I coped and got away from the actual reality that I lived in (school, work, family, etc). 

Now how did Stephen come in? Well, (holy shit I’ve been in the sphere of Doctor Strange for 7.5 (8 years in the Marvel sphere) years now that’s the longest I’ve stuck to anything). There was a game on Facebook where I heard of him and at the time in 2010, there were only comics and the movie from 2006(7?) (I remember actually SEEING the commercial for the movie and asking ‘how is this guy a superhero he’s a doctor’ oh how my 13-year-old self was foolish). 

I fell in love with Stephen’s character for one reason: he had all the powers of a god, yet he was still human. It would take me another 5 years to realize where my path was actually headed with this magic man and the actual man named Benedict Cumberbatch. 

Along the way, since this blog was created and many rp threads later, there were many times I felt so absorbed into my work that even though I had an external life with friends and people I knew. It became...a problem. It was obvious when I began to piss off my friends in college for trying to gain this...atmosphere of Stephen Strange and then try to be myself. 

But I didn’t know who ‘Crystal’ was for...like ever. Only until after this weekend did I find out this answer (stay tuned). 

I kept trying different things, nothing felt good. I didn’t feel like a human being unless I was by myself clacking away at a keyboard and being absorbed with the Sorcerer Supreme who I (for the longest time) considered a reflection of who I was or what I wanted to be (at some point Magnus Bane got thrown into the pot in 2014 so that’s just a lovely stew...). It ate at me for years and I wasn’t even aware during points where I became lost that the parasite was there. The parasite was my power to get lost in worlds I created and then believe the world was still there in reality. And it (probably) hurt many real human beings in the process. 

And just recently I yanked that parasite off and threw it away. Realizing that seeing Stephen as a reflection is dangerous and will get me pulled into the looking glass if I don’t stop. 

So as of today for the sake of my mental health, this blog is being archived.

I’m not saying it was all bad. I wouldn’t be typing this because of roleplaying with one person in particular who, even though my coworkers were slapping me in the face (metaphorically, of course) and concerned for my life during the nine months of suffering I held at my new job, was AT THE TIME, the only person who could get through to me and wake me up. The reason this journey started because of a very deep wound that was still scarring, but this person was the one to be my guide on the path to just finding what I needed to figure out what the heck was going on. 

About a month later after this realization, I joined a sangha and began meditation on a weekly basis or when I could. This (and to this day) practice has unearthed a lot of stuff that I’ve buried so deep that it blew my mind how messed up my childhood was. Why I was so...sarcastic...and had to make a joke to every serious detail...and impulsive...and...determined to get out of this hole. Like a certain....doctor

(No joke when I watched Doctor Strange in theatres in 2016 when this line was said I died laughing because of the tone and manner of how it was said was something I would do. I’m a sassy piece of shit IRL) 

Back in late 2016/early 2017 right after I watched this movie, I remember wanting to embrace MCU Stephen with open arms. I felt the pain he was feeling, having to give up his mundane life to become the guardian of the Earth, and I wanted to take him down that journey of suffering, of realizing that he chose for the sake of his hands, provided him with....the power of a god yet he was still human (also I was stunned because he was (I BELIEVE right behind T’Challa) the FIRST Marvel main character to actually DIE on camera. As in no pulse, not coming back dead. 

But instead I got female OCs wanting to bang and marry him, and the funk kicked itself right out the door. And this is when I got into experimentation. Demons, Mermen...the list goes on. 

This is where it became obvious that Stephen was leaning towards men and less towards women and the relationships were slowly becoming....uninteresting. Either for me or the other person. Around this time this was when the shit hit the fan hard and I had a mental breakdown and contemplated suicide (it wasn’t the first time). Yeah, surprise~. The package gets nastier. 

At this point, as many of you know, I was diagnosed with Attention Hyperactive Association Disorder (or ADHD) and I began taking medication which helped, but with the meditation beside it, this was where a nasty load of stuff boiled inside including:

Emotional and some Physical Abuse from my Parents

My mother almost killed me once. She nearly snapped my neck.

Emotional Abuse from Teachers and Peers in School

I was given a nickname that I just passively went with and in the end, I hated it. When I tried to change it, people didn’t listen to me. 

I gave my opinion about how I did not enjoy Glee on Facebook. I was shunned by nearly every music department student. 

Trust Issues that supported the Anxiety because of said Emotional Abuse (and for a point in my life, pretty sure I had Avoidant Personality Disorder)

I’ve been at the same job for over 2 years now and just last Friday I had to balls to tell someone my life was a dumpster fire. 

Depression because I couldn’t hold/meet expectations that I had imagined as being next to perfect standards because of past emotional abuse to be under the impression I could meet nothing less (thus over the years I lowered my expectations, yet nothing changed). Sometimes I had suicidal thoughts and the only reason I didn’t do it was because I thought felt good to suffer

In turn, because I was abused emotionally in a certain manner that I thought that it was okay to do so when I couldn’t get a grounding of having things in my control as well because of my conditioning or just try to be noticed. At the time, it was the only way I knew how to put the board in my favor. It was when I did this and my boss wrote me up that I just...became silent. People wondered why I didn’t talk and then when I did, it was (and sometimes still is) in the most passive tone of observation. Over time I did learn this was one of the most unwholesome things I could do and I have still lost my footing in times of despair that I go back to this way of talking because I’m conditioned to beat myself up when something bad happens (and even during this weekend’s retreat those unwholesome thoughts came up). 

So sorry for anyone I’ve hurt in the past because of this. I’ve disconnected with many because of my ignorance.

Thus the result of this toxic upbringing and my choice to follow it blindly led to a misunderstanding of relationships to the mundane level (romantic or platonic). Every situation that failed, I tried better. But it only felt worse since till this day every single one has failed, minus one or two, have all ended in some kind of disaster merely due to, what probably was my destructive behavior. 

Even now typing this dumpster fire was difficult. Because I have 3 ways of responding

1. I’m a Bot Beep Boop How are you? Good! That’s Good! 

2. I have a mask and there’s no one else here behind the ask

3. You sure you want to talk to ME? You sure you find me INTERESTING? You? Find me attractive?! Kay...Just warning you....*reveals the dumpster fire* You can go backward out the entrance door

So...yeah. I’ve never ‘felt’ until recently that my life “mattered”. That I was just...kind of an empty sponge. Day in, day out. Paying off debt for a job that I don’t even do anymore because I’m better at other things, like deduction. And working with data and information. 

But anywho....if you’ve made it this far in “My Journey to Find out Who the Heck I Am” Congrats, you made it to this weekend’s insight meditation retreat. Because it was both terrible and uplifting at the same time. 

yesterday we meditated for about 8ish hours and I wanted to kill myself (literally) from all the pain in my back. I questioned if I had to go see a chiropractor after it was all said and done. And then something came up that I noticed that I always was aware of.

The teacher kept referencing other teachers before her and near the end of it all when she would keep talking, the references were driving me nuts. Like, she just kept telling us to follow the Buddha like he was some holy person and it clicked: I don’t like organized religion because I’m being told how to do my practice. So when we went outside to walk, it all just kind of clicked when I found a bench off to the side of the business complex (our retreat was at our local sangha and non-residential). I sat on that bench and stared at the fence and the rain and said to myself ‘I am the River’, meaning I should go with the flow and acknowledge and be aware of any ripples made in me. 

And that everything that was being instructed on this retreat had been told to me from another source: all of my coworkers who probably have not sat on a cushion in their life. 

Today when we the teacher did a talk this morning about ‘self’ and ‘not self’, she, in short, repeated what I said from a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh (monk from Vietnam) about how we are not a river, but an ocean. 

And even though the teacher’s story was relatable, it clicked who “Crystal” was and where Stephen stood in Crystal’s life.

Crystal is made up of many individuals parts and is just...Crystal. Stephen is not a reflection, but one of those many parts. 

Even though I acknowledge this wisdom, I currently believe I do not (and might not) have the ability to return to my writings because of why I previously explained. It’s not you, it’s the current in the river. 

So thank you to everyone who has befriended me along the way and helped me down this path. 

Namaste.

*two minutes later* lemme find a Benedict Cumberbatch Buddhism gif to close this story, show me the money Google

GOD DAMN I-

[jasxper-blog]

i never know how to make my intros sound Cool™ and With the Times™, but i’m dri (she/her, nineteen, pst) ur local sleepy gal from socal !! my boy jasper is kind of a mess but i love him anyway, so hmu if you’d like to plot !! i still need to write stats etc. for him, but under the cut is what i’ve got so far !! feel free to ask for my discord if ur more comfortable with that !!

( wong yukhei • twenty • cismale ) looks like jasper xu just moved into apartment 3B! i heard that he is here in los angeles because he dropped out of college but has been struggling – thankfully moreau has taken them in! rumour has it, they can be quite impulsive and stubborn but at least they’re trustworthy and intuitive, hey? i can already tell they’re going to be the reticent of the building.

jasper was born and raised in northern california, specifically the silicon valley area, and he was the youngest of two siblings, a brother 5 years older and a sister 7 years older !! they treated him with a lot of love as the baby brother but his parents did have super high expectations for him. his sister went on to practice law and his brother is in med school, so the bar had been set pretty high by the time jas entered high school.

he was practically raised to be an overachiever and it caused him a lot of stress growing up. his schedule was packed with extracurricular activities such as taekwondo and robotics, and his sights were trained to be set on going to cal for some sort of engineering when he got older. he lost sleep almost every night due to the fact that he was taking 4 ap classes by the time he reached his junior year, honors spanish and tennis serving as his two other classes. he also was in band in middle school, but he doesn’t really remember how to play the saxophone anymore because it’s been so long LOL

school was always super competitive for him and it really took a toll on his mental health :// he found solace in competitive video games, a different kind of competitive outlet that also helped him connect with his friends more. he was into league, counter-strike, etc. but it was kind of a double-edged sword because the more he played games the less time he had for homework which created this cycle of being stressed about school and having his stress relief create even more stress for school ??? basically it kinda sucked !!

uh some people fell into this belief that he was this pretentious dude who thought he was better than everyone else but he was just moody a lot because he was sleepy and stressed and i guess not a lot of people outside of his friend group were entirely aware despite a majority of the campus being the same way ??? he’s a friendly dude despite seeming intimidating and a bit awkward !!

he dated a few people in high school but all of the relationships ended on the similar basis of him not making enough time for them because he had really bad tunnel vision, especially around college application season. speaking of, he wasn’t accepted into uc berkeley like his parents hoped, and it kind of bummed him out real hard, ya feel ?? he’s had a lot of low emotional points due to stress but this pretty much did him in ?? he’s a lot of self-esteem issues, so to be rejected by his “dream school” didn’t do him much good. although, he was accepted to ucla, so that’s where he ended up going for computer engineering !! some serious talks with his friends lifted up his spirits and then he was on his way to la !!

in college, he didn’t entirely shake off the whole “one-track mind” mentality he had, but he sure was way more relaxed than he was in high school because he didn’t have to think about applying to grad school or anything. however, he still kept up his overachiever antics, naturally taking close to the max amount of units he could. he also played games (mostly overwatch) on his own time, streaming on twitch from time to time. 

going to university, unfortunately, gave him really, really terrible imposter syndrome. he managed to shake off the discouragement throughout his first year, but during winter quarter of his second year, he was taking his first upper division classes and he started to experience a bad case of burnout. he found it difficult to do much of anything due to the returned stress he felt, which seemed to be worse than it was in high school, especially since he was also going through a breakup at the same time. he felt like he couldn’t do it anymore, like he didn’t even want to pursue engineering, and he overall just felt incredibly lost. he didn’t even know what his passion was. so, impulsive as he is, he just straight up dropped out. so now he’s here at the apartments, still no clue what his next move is.

his family caught on come spring quarter because they have access to his billing account or whatever and it showed that he wasn’t enrolled in any classes and they started blowing up his phone but he just... didn’t answer. he’s basically been dodging his entire family for the past several months and they don’t really know where he is. he talked to his brother, like, maybe twice to let him know that he’s okay, but other than that he’s avoiding having to confront his parents more than anything. 

right now he’s working at a boba tea house and trying not to think about how he disappointed his family and himself SKDJGSLDGS he’s thought about going back to university but he has this whole pride thing that’s making his stick to his decision of dropping out ;/ if anyone asks him if he’s in college tho 9/10 times he says he is because he doesn’t want to explain himself. the 1/10 is if ur lucky and he trusts u.

so, yeah, that’s basically jasper’s backstory! as for his personality, he can seem kind of aloof from time to time. the type of person that you meet for the first time and think they hate you even though they didn’t express any hatred ?? does that make sense ?? in reality though he’s a sweet dude, pretty considerate but in a tsundere type of way. he doesn’t know how to give a compliment well so it sounds like he’s insulting you sometimes but then you think about it and you’re like ??? wait that was a compliment ??? like if u dress up nice he’d be like ... hey u look ... less ugly today congrats SDGDSGSD he’s the playful bullying type of friend i suppose !!

seems like he’s cool and intimidating but he’s really just shy and awkward LMAO standing up against the wall looking at his phone ?? he’s reading a web comic

his temper is relatively short, especially when he hasn’t gotten a lot of sleep, which is ... often KDSGSDSJG he’s an impatient boy

yells a lot when he plays video games; has gotten complaints (he’s very competitive if u didn’t know)

wants to pet every dog he encounters

has never seen a superhero movie but can quote one punch man and my hero academia because he’s a Nerd

can’t drink beer anymore because he threw up once and even the smell reminds him of that time ;/ he avoids kombucha too

that’s all i got for now :~)

[bowiebond]

Mal x Ben Sister!Reader

Warning: Magic, Miscommunication, like one swear word.

“I don’t know what to do, Mal…” You sighed, ducking your head as your hair slid down to cover your features from her view, but your shaky voice showed your distress enough. “Gil is…He’s the descendants of Gaston of all people. It’s just so – inconvenient!” You punctured the word with a throw of one of Mal’s pillows at her window. It gave a small rattle but stayed closed, pillow falling to the ground.

“Oh, (Y/N/N).” Mal scooted over closer to hug you. “If anyone deserves a happy ending in my books, I think you should have one. Even if it’s with that knuckle-headed idiot.”

“He’s not that dumb…It just takes time for him to understand things.” You mumbled dejectedly, and you knew you were right. You had bothered to give Gil a chance after all.

~~~ Flashback:

You sat alone in the library, tucked away on a cushion at the end of one of the bookshelves, delving into the story of Merida all over again. You’d read every fairy tale at least a dozen times. Your parents love story got boring after a bit, so you moved onto others.

You found yourself humming the one song you knew off by heart though.

“Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the – “

“Beast.” You jolted in surprise at the sudden duo that you could tell wasn’t your brothers voice. You looked up at the boy who had ended your melody, taking in his dried out blond curls that was held back by an orange beanie and the warm brown eyes on his handsome face.

“Yes. Beast.” You chuckled softly, standing with the book to your chest. “Not many people come to this section of the library. They don’t believe in the merit of reading the fairy tales of our ancestry.”

“I uh…I kinda got lost. This place is nothing like the Isle, it’s got way more…” The boy looked for the word, squinting his eyes at the book in your grasps. “Books.” He settled on with a shrug.

“You…Come from the Isle?” You had heard of the villain kids, of course you had, but you had only really made friends with the core four since they were friends of your brothers. You knew more had come, but didn’t bother to welcome them – you had your hobbies, they had theirs. You wouldn’t change your schedule just to mingle with them unless you found it necessary.

“Yeah! The names Gil.” He offered his hand to shake, making your chest swell. It was a simple action, but it made you happy not to be automatically expected to give her hand for them to kiss. You could deal with it at events, but you didn’t like random people kissing your hand.

“(Y/N) Bête.” You shook his hand, raising a brow when he gave no reaction to your royal last name.

“That’s a pretty name…I was meant to do something and now I can’t remember…” Gil frowned, looking around.

“Maybe…Find a book?” You suggested with a chuckle.

“Yeah! That, something for English. Something about an uh, spear guy that shakes.” He made motions as if he was shaking someone, making you laugh.

“Shakespeare? He’s two rows down, fourth shelf.” You smiled as he nodded with a wide grin, walking down two rows in your sight before pausing.

“Uh, where’s the fourth shelf?”

You laughed and went to help him. After some talking, you ended you suggesting you tutor him. He was extremely happy to have you as a tutor. It also meant you didn’t have to leave your favourite spot in the school.

~~~ Present:

“I still don’t know how you missed he was the son of Gaston.” Mal mused. “I mean, didn’t Ben tell you?”

“He looked really happy and thanked me for being so accepting, but I figured it was just because he was a VK!” You flopped back with a groan. “He didn’t even realise who I was until I said I was Ben’s sister. Even then, it took him two days before he realised we were twins!”

“Ouch.” Mal pursed her lips. “He’s been avoiding you, right?”

“Yeah…Kind of. If he talks to me, Harry or Uma are always nearby, watching. It’s kinda creepy because of how light that pirate’s eyes are. Almost glowing.” You shuddered.

“I say congrates to his future suitor in the haystack.” Mal shrugged, grinning at your small giggle. “See? This is fine. We can totally just trash talk boys and forget him.” Mal wrapped an arm around you, squeezing you tight to her sight.

“No…No, I really want to give this a chance, even if he’s the son of Gaston.”

“Then stop thinking that way.” Mal suggested. “He’ll always be a part of the Isle, but he’s part Auradon now. I can see how much he likes it here, so do the other two even if they don’t want to admit it. So, sure, he’s son of Gaston, but that doesn’t mean he is Gaston. You aren’t Belle or Beast either. You are (Y/N), the sweetest bookworm I know. Also, the most naïve person I’ve meant when it comes to getting peoples names.” Mal jabbed in tease, making you grin.

“Shut up! You cursed Ben to love you at first, so I think I get a pass on your judgement.”

“Ugh, twins. If only I had taken you both.” Mal planted a kiss on your cheeks as you blushed with a smile. “Just kidding. But that does give me an idea.”

“What?”

“A surprise. Go! Be free, my birdy! I’ll fix your problem up by tomorrow.” Mal promised, sending you out of the room. You laughed at how extra she could be as you headed back to the library to get your mind off reality with a good book. You didn’t see the smile fall off her face as she created a plan to get you and Gil together.

~~~

The next morning, Gil approached you with a big hug that lifted you off your feet with a squeal.

“Put me down!” You laughed as he put you down with a large grin. “Good to see you.” You joked weakly, but you really were.

“I missed you.” He grinned as you blushed.

“Uh, thanks.”

“No problem. Can I walk you to class?” You had been dreaming. He seemed so genuine, yet dazed all at once.

“O-Oh okay.” You held your arm up to link them with him like you had gotten used to, but he only linked your fingers and squeezed your hand as you walked. This is what you wanted, but something didn’t feel right.

~~~

“Mal!” You cornered the purple haired fairy. “What did you do to Gil?” You narrowed your eyes. No way Gil would be this flirtation when he could barely get through a full novel without falling asleep. The past few days he’d been adoring you to the point that it scared you. You wanted Gil back to his adorable idiot-self, not that the praise was unwelcome on occasion.

“I just gave him some heart cookies.” Mal smiled tightly.

“What?”

“I gave him a cookie, like Ben’s, but it just makes their affections stronger to the point where they can’t contain them. That’s why he’s so cheerful.” She gave a huff of amusement, lips pursed.

“Yeah, well he’s becoming the next Gaston without the vanity while I become his Belle. It’s creepy. Remove it.”

“I thought this is what you wanted?” Mal’s face fell. “Ugh, I keep messing up everything.”

“Mal, we do not need another Isle mission. You’re doing fine. I just need you to remove the spell.”

“Well…Go give him a kiss of true love or something.” Mal shrugged. “That always seems to work.” Mal turned on her heel and left, eyes down casted.

“Mal?” She ignored you. You sighed, shoulders sagging as you went to find Gil.

~~~

“Oi, fishbait.” You jumped when Harry’s fist banged your locker with a glare. “What ‘ave you done to our Gilly?”

“I – I’m sorry, it was a miscommunication with a friend and – “

“Oh, we’re fine.” Harry indicated to him and Uma who was glaring by him. “We want to know why he’s so buddy-buddy with ye. Ye aren’t trying to steal our boy, are you?” Harry’s words were light, but very threatening nonetheless.

“N – no! It was an accident. I…I thought I might like Gil, and I told a friend, but now everything’s weird and I just want Gil to be my friend again.”

“Mal?” Uma rolled her eyes when you nodded. “If you stopped looking at guys, specifically Gil, maybe you’d notice something that wasn’t there before.” Uma pulled Harry away to follow her, leaving you there to contemplate her words.

~~~

A few days after Mal and her spoke, Gil stopped his strange behaviour and you continued to be regular friends. You were beyond glad, but Mal wouldn’t talk to you.

~~~

“Tale as old as time, true as it can be, barely even friends, then somebody bends, unexpectedly…” You ran your fingers over the piano keys with gentle grace, soaking in the music. “Just a little change, small to say the least, both a little scared, neither one prepared, Beauty – “

“Beauty and the beast.” You jolted up from the piano in surprise at the sound of Mal’s voice. She was adorned in a purple and lilac silk dress, stepping into the ballroom with a soft smile.

“Hey…”

“Hey.” Mal gave a sad smile.

“You haven’t spoken to me in two months, Mal. Why are you here?” You sighed, your mothers yellow gown suiting you well. You figured you had to look good for your birthday party.

“I know, I’m a terrible friend. But once I heard was your birthday…” Mal came closer, offering a small box to you. “It’s the least I could do.”

You took the box slowly, trying to sort through your feelings as you undid the ribbon. After Uma’s words, you realised you weren’t into guys. You liked girls, specifically, one girl you were friends with and didn’t even think to how she felt towards you.

You almost dropped the boxes when you saw what was inside. A beautiful silver band with a topaz jewel inside.

“Your brother helped me pick it.” Mal smiled at you softly. “There’s a little extra something inside the box.” You looked up at her before back at the box, taking out the folded piece of paper. You unfolded it slowly, hands shaking.

“I know things have been rough lately, but will you be my date to the ball? And maybe something more? – Mal.” You read out loud, grinning. “You bitch. No wonder you wanted to just talk trash about guys!” You broke into laughter, taking the ring out and slipping it on your right ring finger. You looked back at Mal, who waited with a small smile for your answer.

“So…Is that a yes?”

“Mm…You have a lot of apologising to do. But…So do I for not noticing.” You took her hand, linking your fingers. This felt much better. “Yes, Mal, I will be your date.”

“Awesome.” Mal’s tension visibly roll off her shoulders before she hugged you tight. “I literally would have died if you said no.” She laughed, drawing a chuckle for you.

“Well, lucky us then.” You pecked her cheek. “Now, as lovely as this present is, my birthday ball starts in half an hour, so let’s sneak off so a long awaited make out session before I have to show you off.” You grinned at her blush, pulling up the stairs with you.

Best birthday ever.

[kendrixtermina]

Extra Typology Vol #2 - 26. The types as Babies

Disclaimer/ Caveat

First of all the book amply cautions against fast conclusions because taking the wrong approach based on a mystype could be disastrous, but most of all, because our parenting should adjust to our children & their signals, rather than trying to adjust our children to us - 

and even outside the concept of typology, such attitudes are IMHO the root of a sizeable percentage of the suffering on earth - As a parent you’re there to facilitate your child’s growth & compensate for their inexperience, children are not your possesion - If you try to get to know them rather than force your fantasies of an ideal family onto them you might spare yourselves a lot of suffering. 

Though the book and I are in agreement that at least the “raw material” of personality inborn (and nurture & personal choice determine your level of functionality or what given ‘version’ of your type you become), it is indeed important to remember that small kids can circle through a lot of interests. 

But if you wanted to type your crotchfruit, just out of curiosity & with no actionistic plans, how would you do it? Well...

First Signs

Usually, it is easier to determine if you’re dealing with a thinking, feeling or doing type in general than the exact type itself:

A tiny Moving Type: Quite simply ‘moves’ more than other children - their hands are busy. They crawl/walk easier than other types and often have better movement skills. When they want something, they reach out, try to move/crawl/walk to it; They often cry or make noise and frequently throw their toys. If this sounds like your kid or sibling, they might grow up to be a Mars or Mercury type (Good luck!) 

A tiny Intellectual Type: Tends to cry less than other children. From the moments their eyes can see with some relative precision, they entertain/amuse themselves by discovering/examining things. They also master speaking and reading before their peers. If this sounds like your kid or siblings, you might have a Lunar or Saturn type on their type. 

A tiny Emotional Type: Always wants to be in the company of “mommy” or people in general; they are often better natured and meeker than other children and seem to ‘want’ less. They are usually graceful and feel more of a natural comfort just ‘being in their bodies’ than other types. If this sounds like your kid or sibling, then congrats on your new Venus or Jupiter family member. 

The middle one does indeed sound like baby!me and this seems in line with my theories about diverse family members, most of them already grown up. 

Both books seem in agreement that the rough line for distinctly discerning essence type tends to be  roughly 7/ school age. 

So, one you or your relatives have sucessuly grown a grade schooler, we can check them out further. See if you recognize your junior in any of the following: 

Futher Sorting - Style of play

Lunar: Will fail to consider their neat clothes bfore getting involved physically. Lose themselves in imagination. Create elaborate fantasy stories. [Yup. This may actually have been discernable from age 5 onwards.]

Venus: Those rare kids who actually care about staying neat. Complicated loyalty/friendship/rivalry patterns. Prefer one-on-one playing. 

Mercury: Play involves going places. May have a number of friends for different activities. Natural organizers of team sports. Will leave equipment, lothes & toys wherever they go

Saturn: Try to outwit computer games. Develop esoteric interests to which much attention is given. Given the chance, they will explain rules and philosophy/psychology of games to others

Mars: athletic, dominate the playground group. Will form ‘gangs’ and compete with others for dominance

Jupiter: Will be alert to make sure everyone feels included, looks out for other children and animals; Play will involve situations where one child can care for another (Doctor, house, school etc. )

Futher Sorting II - Childhood Worldview

Lunar: The world is magical and wondrous, the shape of a flower is delight - yet life is also terrifying and confusing, and the child is easily overwhelmed. Will benefit the most from having things explained to them. May be easily scared by scary stories or vilenceTV programs

Venus: The world is full of color and beauty, as well as many pretty things one can own. Friendships are important and central. Need their perception of the primacy of emotional well-being reinforced. 

Mercury: The world is movement. Seeing as much of it as possible is a major goal and gives them a sense of personal worth

Saturn: The world is fascinating. Everything needs to be questioned. Sustained pondering on big issues and ideas involved in living. They need to have their child-seriousness valued and respected [I actually allingned more with this one to be honest; Born nerd.]

Mars: The world owes the child a proper living - “Since I’m alive, what are you going to do to make it worth my while?” The world is a battleground and they are always ready for a fight. Or pick the fight themselves. 

Jupiter: The world is in great need - Terrible things happen and I am somehow culpable. I must do what I can do to make things better for those around me “Perhaps I can send my pocket money to a poor children?” 

Of course some of this will depend on the circumstances the child encounters, which can be good or bad,  but even so, how they respond will be filtered through type - for example, neglect may prompt escapism, people-pleasing, combative rebellion or attention grabbing behavior depending on the child’s natural temperament.  

Further Sorting III - Even Hybrid Types were kids once

And they should be raised with care. 

Lunar-Venus - Their trusting, attentive and unbashed nature can easily get them into trouble, so as a parent, you would do well to start nurturing a sense of responsibility early on. 

Venus-Mercury - Although described as a ‘busy’, ‘fun-loving’ type, these tedencies will not necessarily manifest as stereotypical ‘party animal’ behavior - each individual will arrive at their own expression of ‘fun-loving’, particularly if they’re more on the Venusian sideand  emphasize the emotional over speed.  A given individual’s expression of their type characteristics may well be to go into endurance sports, turn to the priesthood or spend endless hours pouring over computers. 

Mercury-Saturn - The parents may be concerned that this type is spreading themselves too thinly with all their activities, commitments and friendships - they will not thank you for limiting their activities, but they can still benefit if we remember their tendency for speed over depht - and help them to balance their lives, and to place their effort and senseof worth in more deserving areas. 

Saturn-Mars - Will likely be frustrated until they find an arena big enough to contain and promote them. Peer jealousy may cause them to become unpopular. It might help to encourage them to go quietly about learning what interests them, as well as reminding them that childhood is not forever, and that the frustration toleance they learn in those early years will serve them well in the adult world. 

Mars-Jupiter - May experience great difficulty in childhood and adolescence because they clearly see the inequality and agony in the world, and are frustrated by their peers’ lack of interest. They may early on find ways to elevate themselves into the adult world - volunteering after school and being outstanding in general. However, due to various circumstances, it may also take them a long time to decide where they wish to place their worth, and spent the meantime floundering around in mediocricy and frustration. 

Jupiter-Lunar - They display both dreamy fantasy and empathi, universal concerns. In childhood, they may find their more responsible side more valued than their sensitive one, and thrust into roles of responsibility that deprive them of the experinence of being looked-after (say, they’re the most well-behaved sibling..) As such, they can end up growing up with unexpressed, deep-rooted self-judgement and criticism; To avoid that, be aware that their early sense of responsibility may mask their own needs 

Sorting Hat IV - Miscellaneous Observations

Lunars seem end up at the receiving end of bullying with some frequency [check...sigh] - on the other hand, if they are themselves the bullies, they can manage to look amazingly innocent & creatively talk their way out of it leading the adults to blame the other children. In general they’re less interested in what others thing about them

Venusians get satisfaction from influencing (or sometimes, manipulating) the feelings of others - some may be amired by other schoolchildren because they always seem to get what they want. Both emotional types are sensitive to the feelings of others and learn easily to read or empathise with them in ways others do not. 

Mercurials are quick and direct, though not graceful like emotional types or powerful like Martials. They tend to collect a lot of information. 

Saturn Types can end up providing great comic relief when they try to to reach out to become ‘graceful’, ‘popular’ or any other characteristic their not really inclined to, probably to cries of “NEEEEERD!” [I’d offer a high 5 but you guys might find this too silly.]

Mars Types are even, or especially agressive when they’re trying to help - which they often are, though sometimes because it gives them a sense of power - they have no concept that they’re still being perceived as rough or blunt

Jovians learn quickly how to get satisaction by adapting /influencing the feelings of others to make them feel better - they have an unique gift for comforting others just by being there. They may have trouble with other schoolchildren who may not understand or value their emotional subtlety and misread their concern as being fake. 

[harneyforhope]

Father’s Day Thoughts

Thought I would post this blog in honor of Father's Day- it is a bit long, but a Top 10 list on things that can help you do something interesting to shake your life up in a good way- especially if you are a dad trying to keep up with kids who growing and getting smarter at an alarming rate. Hope you will enjoy...

Since the moment I let people know I was doing Haymakers for Hope and since the conclusion of the journey, I have gotten a lot of comments from people that are usually either “I would love to do something like that”, or “I could never do something like that”. I have a few thoughts to share that focus on taking on a big challenge and getting out of your routine and comfort zone. Whatever “something like that” is for you- it could be open mic comedy or climbing a mountain, the point is that you should do it and you (almost) definitely can do it.

Here are my thoughts, Top-10 style, on some of the critical things to taking on a new big thing, which are by no means an exhaustive or definitive list- they just stood out to me when reflecting on my journey on the things that made my experience so worthwhile. My thoughts are pretty centric to a parent of young kids- really to being a dad (I feel like taking on a big challenge for a mom is just item #87 on her to-do list that she crushes without much fanfare…), but hopefully anyone can glean some insights and, hopefully, will pursue something big.

0. Take Control of Your Health. This is #0 because, as the saying goes, you have nothing without your health. True saying. For me it was a laundry list of issues from my weight, aches and pains, fatigue.. . Once I took proactive steps to identify issues, and removed plausible deniability on certain culprits, it made all the difference. I knew the issues and the solutions- at that point addressing them was either a priority for me or it was not. Everything was very interconnected, more than I ever could have guessed, and resolving/improving the issues put me in the position to consider taking on a challenge. This is not applicable only for a big, physical challenge either- anything that takes a significant time commitment, and is out of your comfort zone, takes mental and physical resources. You need to be sleeping better and thinking more clearly, at a minimum, to add big items to your life. So whatever issue may be holding you back, take this step. If you take this step and do nothing else, then you are way ahead of the game.

1. Make Sure You Have Support. If you are taking on a big challenge, then you will need support from the biggest components of your life. I was very fortunate to have incredible support from my family, immediate and extended, and my company, TwinFocus, who did not just tolerate my efforts but were proactive contributors towards my efforts. What’s great is that this is a two-way street- the people who spend the most time with me get the benefit of a healthier, happier, and grateful Patrick. On that note, if you have someone in your life taking on a challenge- support them, you will be glad you did and they will remember it. On the flip side, absent the timing being terrible or other extenuating circumstances, if the people around you won’t support you- why not? Just like addressing your health, make sure you have healthy relationships with the people you spend the most time with.

2. Get out of Your Comfort Zone. This is about doing something new, ideally something you have wanted to try but have not. There is a reason you are drawn to this activity, so take a chance and figure out why that is. You can always go for a new personal record or make a comeback in something you have excelled at. Having to learn the most basic, introductory steps of something is humbling, but also energizing when you start building on the fundamentals and put things together. You exercise new physical and mental muscles. I found it particularly helpful as a parent of young kids who are learning new things every day, to be reminded that learning new things is hard. Putting on my wraps, getting in my stance, throwing a jab.. .the most basic stuff in boxing, I am still learning about. I realized how quickly my kids are actually picking things up. I think I have more thoughts about this experience as it relates to parenting that will follow.

3. Define the Objective. You have decided to take the leap- congrats! Now what is a good outcome for you? Be ambitious within reason and adjust accordingly. You may have a hidden talent or maybe it is much harder than you thought. Either scenario is great. I wanted to raise a lot of money and awareness for the fight against cancer, break through on some health and conditioning goals and win a boxing match. Two out of three ain’t bad…Haymakers created an incredible infrastructure for these objectives. You may do something similarly established, but if not, understand why you are doing it and what you want to achieve.

4. Get A Manageable Core Routine (and then push it). Put yourself in a position to achieve your objectives by scheduling consistent blocks of time that you can dedicate to each week- then build around them with additional work that can be more flexible based on your schedule. You’ll have some late nights and early mornings. You will miss time with friends and family. That is the point- if you don’t miss anything then you aren’t working hard enough. This goes for your diet as well, if that is a component of your challenge. I knew I was going to Digg Inn for lunch 4X a week. Have 80% of the time and activities you need booked into a routine. If you have that core time figured out than the rest can be optimization. If the kids have soccer, go to that and run when they are napping.

5. Roll With the Punches. The only thing you can guarantee about your routine is that it will be blown up on occasion. You will have sick kids (who get you sick), work travel, family holidays... Being a good partner and parent, handling your business- those are the few things that should take priority over this endeavor. So embrace the departure from your routine. Some of the coolest parts of my experience were the “departures”, such as training internationally on work travel. Do I look back now and wish I missed parent-teacher conferences to train, or that I avoided my kids when they were sick? Not even for a second. Make up the time later. Whatever you are training for certainly won’t follow a script, so being too rigid will only hurt you.

6. Involve Your Spouse and Kids. It’s more fun, more practical, more inspiring.. If you are trying to achieve something that you really want/need to silo yourself for and not include the most important people in your life, then this is the wrong write-up for you. My family would workout with me, cheer me on, help with all the extra logistical stuff. Incorporating them always was a reminder of why I was taking on the challenge- to wind up a better version of myself.

7. Inspiration Is Everywhere-Use It. No matter what you do it will be hard, but there will be sources of inspiration to draw from. Look for them and use them. Boxing in support of KO’ing Cancer left me inspired every day by people wishing me luck and supporting me. I learned some boxing history and about some of the colorful characters. While your journey will be unique – you won’t be the first to make it, so embrace being a part of something bigger than you.

8. Chronicle The Journey. We have incredible technology that provides us, in the palm of our hands, similar resources to a news truck from not too long ago. Take pictures and videos, capture your thoughts and write them down throughout the process. Maybe you will do lots more adventurous, challenging things - but this will be the one that kicked it off and you will be glad you were diligently tracking it. If you are one and done, then you can remind the kids (and yourself) that you weren’t always so boring…

9. You Have Done It- Now what? Despite being the owner of an 0-1 record with USA Boxing, I had an incredible journey, topped off with a once in a lifetime fight night experience. Now what? Well, I’ll spend some extra time with my family to start. Maybe cheat on the diet a little as well. The benefit to making sacrifices is that you can think about what you really missed when you dedicated all that extra time to the challenge and what you didn’t. Allocate more time to the stuff you missed and a lot less to the stuff you didn’t. I’ll bet the stuff you missed is more meaningful than the stuff you didn’t. I missed playing with my kids after work a lot more than happy hour. There is no need to stop the challenge activity either- I’ll keep up with the boxing. Being lighter and in shape will allow for some other things too- as I mentioned you can always go for a personal record or make a comeback. Now you can do it with new skills, perspective, and confidence.

10. Be Thankful. Whatever you choose to do, it’s a choice. Be grateful you can make it. It means you are healthy and have support all around you. You will make new friends and reconnect with old friends. You will learn new skills. You will have triumphs and defeats (yes, even be thankful for the defeats- if it stings you know you still have some heart...) Taking risks and testing yourself cuts through the BS in your life- the experience will force you to prioritize all the discretionary things that come your way and renew and enhance your appreciation for all the core things in your life - and that is the point.

Haymakers for Hope TwinFocus Capital Partners, LLC The Play Ball Foundation Alethea Harney