#completely altered my brain chemistry i fear :(

[poguelandia]

And what if I lose everything? You’ll still have me.

[mcl-mia]

//zeus week day 6 - offering

to offer one's body and soul - is that not the highest form of loyalty?

[daughter-of-inklings]

Thank you. :3 I call it the, "Grew up being read poetry, Grimm faerytales, and watching LOTR / Underworld movies in Spanish on repeat" weird little girl effect.

an experiment in first person; from the pov of a 'fox' being sacrificed at her own altar wc: 708

I supposed I should have listened to Temperance. Perhaps then I wouldn’t have found myself with an arrow lodged in my side, staring down the blade of a strange man’s dagger. 

Mortal men are not kind; stay away from them. 

The warning rang in my head- in my ears, to little avail now. I’d meant to follow it, truly, but it’d been hard to observe them from atop the clouds, and a festival was spreading through the streets of my kingdom. The smell of sweets still lingered in the air, even here in the deepest part of the temple. The music echoed out, loud enough to shake the walls, laced with laughter and the people’s singing. If I closed my eyes, the lights they’d sent to the sky still painted my eyelids.

Curiouser and curiouser. 

The metal bit into my neck, rousing me from the memory of the fox fires. It came away with a thread of blood, careless and sloppy, soaking into the white of my fur and staining the marble beneath me. A waste. I hadn’t yelped how they liked; they’d meant for it to hurt. They enjoyed feeling the pulse leave the veins of whatever they brought here–revelled in its pain. A desecration of a temple, by the blood of the god to whom it was made. An interesting story, missing an end. They couldn’t kill me. I was older than their stars–than their language. Older than the putrid thoughts of their conscience, older still than the blood in their veins. Older than bloodlines and the kingdoms they’d raised, created– cursed– to see their fall. Their ruin, and death. 

A common dagger, without grace or enchantment, could never hope to kill a god. It could never hope to surpass the intended use for which it was made. Like the men glowering over me, chittering away prayers to the Devil’s name. Unimaginative creatures. If a dagger was all they thought to use, we’d be here stuck in this dance until their bones rotted away where they stood. Cut. Bleed. Heal. Cut. Bleed. Heal. I huffed, letting out a low whine that seemed to excite them. Painfully dull things. The monotony was a worse insult than their unwilling sacrifices.

I could have escaped their grasp easily enough. A simple spell would see me halfway across the world, free of mortal hands and rid of their idiotic desires for wealth and power. Another would tear them asunder, piece by painful piece, the very seams of their existence unraveled to scatter what remained across the floor. Yet I found myself on that altar still, allowing them to decorate the stone with pieces of me. A strange curiosity settled me in place. I wondered, in part, how long it would take for them to realize their blades left no lasting impression on my skin. That my blood spilled as deep and dark an ebony as the night sky outside. 

More than that, a thought wyrmed itself in my mind– what if they succeeded? Killing a god was an impossible feat– Mother had gone of her own accord to afford life to this world, splitting herself in pieces to feed it. She had chosen Death. If I too chose to lower my guard, if I chose to stop the magick that healed me– it was, after all, within my domain to do so– what would become of me? It would hurt Temperance, I was sure of that. Shatter his heart to pieces. Would my death– the death of the very essence of magick as these mortals knew it– be told as tragic in their eyes? Or would their bards tell it as a grand tale of misery and a bold escape to peace? Would my heart break and shatter, taking innumerable lives in the act? Or would it simply blink away quietly, forgotten like so many other stars in their night? Where would I go? We’d all given up our bodies long ago to godhood when it was asked of us; would there be anything- anyone- to lament or bury us? Were gods deserving of an afterlife, after all the aches they’d caused those they were meant to shelter?

Whatever the answer, I certainly wouldn’t find it here among these men.

[roeiswriting]

BCC truly taking on the roles of manipulative parental figures has altered my brain chemistry.

The moment Claudio opened his mouth to say he was disappointed in Yuta after everything they’ve been through, going as far to say “I thought I taught you better” and “you’re old enough to make your own decisions” really reinforcing that idea of a broken family. Their bond being the most prevalent on screen for some time, the silly things they do just because it’s them like the crab dance, now he’s evoking this pure feeling of how can he have the audacity to say these things?

Then Mox saying he believes Yuta has the “strength” to “do the right thing” saying it’s all his choice and that he’s “free to leave” he’s “not trapped” it’s his “choice” when they were the ones who have put him in this situation, not only by doing what they did to Bryan but by purposefully leaving yuta in the dark then expecting him to fight alongside them. They have trapped him but they’re relying on the strong connection and emotions they know Yuta has tied to them.

Shaking their heads looking around at eachother saying Yuta is the one who has to look himself in the mirror each day, the fear of disappointing a mentor or parental figure being one most know well.

With Yuta himself he’s completely distraught, he doesn’t know what day it is, he’s forgetting things & he’s struggling because these past few years he’s been given that direction by the exact men trying to use his own emotional state against him… yet the one thing he is doing is guiding himself using the words of the dragon.

What a perfect direction to take this story, what a perfect way to elevate Yuta and make people care so deeply about what happens to him and what he decides to do.

[pretzel-box]

wait. WAIT.. THE REVERSE AU DID SMTHN TO MY BRAIN. I HAVE A REQUEST..

please hear me out; reverse au seb x reader, and the reader saves him from dying to something (probably a wall dweller or perhaps (door 30.) pandemonium) because that'd be funny i feel.....

i really liked the jacket one. it has. altered my brain chemistry.

SEQUEL TO PAYMENT RECIEVED

words: 1,5k

tags: Reversed AU, human sebastian, experiment reader, gn reader, fluff at the end

Sebastian muttered under his breath as he continued his exploration, frustration evident in his every move. “I swear, if I ever see the Urbanshade staff members in person again, I’m stuffing them into one of those lockers too.” His voice was rough with anger as he yanked open a locker door, only to slam it shut with a force that made it bounce back slightly. The sight of the locker door refusing to stay closed sent a fresh wave of irritation through him, and without thinking, he kicked the locker. Pain shot through his foot, and he hissed, biting back a curse.

His day was going from bad to worse. As if on cue, his flashlight began to flicker, the weak beam of light stuttering before fading completely, leaving him shrouded in darkness. “Great, just great,” he muttered, the sound of his voice swallowed by the pitch-black room. This was the worst moment since he’d arrived here—he was sure of it. The Navipath had shown Door 28 right before the electricity cut out, leaving him stumbling through the dark, colliding with abandoned furniture and debris as he felt his way to the next door.

Room 29 was a welcome change. The lights were still on, casting a soft glow over neat office desks. Stacks of papers were scattered around, and a large, faded poster with the title “Pretzel Box was here” hung on the wall. The sight of the ordinary office supplies gave the room a strangely peaceful atmosphere, a stark contrast to the chaos outside. Sebastian allowed himself a moment to breathe, moving toward the nearest desk to check the drawers. The first drawer he opened contained a keycard, which he pocketed immediately. He didn’t know what it was for yet, but he had learned to grab anything that looked remotely useful.

The other drawers held mostly junk, but he managed to find a few valuable items that he knew would interest you, the shopkeeper he’d met down the halls. The thought of you brought a small smile to his lips; he could already imagine your bright smile when he showed up at your shop with a handful of treasures. But first, he had to make it there in one piece.

Suddenly, the room’s lights began to flicker once he opened the Door Nr.30. Sebastian’s smile vanished, replaced by a cold dread that settled in his stomach. His heart rate spiked as the familiar, chilling sensation of impending danger washed over him. The fluorescent bulbs flickered faster, casting erratic shadows that danced across the walls. He heard it then—a distant, inhuman scream that sent shivers down his spine.

“Pandemonium,” he whispered, fear gripping him. He’d heard the stories, seen the aftermath, but he had never faced it directly. Not until now.

Instinct kicked in. Sebastian darted to the nearest locker, yanking it open and squeezing inside. He tried to control his breathing, forcing himself to stay quiet, his heart pounding so loudly he was sure it would give him away. The room fell into an eerie silence, broken only by the distant sound of something approaching growing louder, closer.

The door to the room slammed open, and Sebastian held his breath, every muscle in his body tense. He heard the heavy, wet sound of something dragging itself across the floor, and then the unmistakable sound of a body slamming against the locker he was in. The locker door he was hiding in rattled as Pandemonium slammed into it, trying to pry it open. Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut, panic surging through him. He was out of time.

Just as Pandemonium smashed against the locker again, a sudden noise from outside the room made it pause. The creature let out a frustrated snarl, turning its attention toward the new sound. Sebastian dared to peek through the small slits in the locker door, his heart still hammering in his chest.

And then he saw you.

You stood in the doorway, your hybrid form barely visible in the dim light. Your eyes glowed faintly, reflecting the flickering lights, and your claws were extended, ready for a fight. “Hey, ugly!” you shouted, your voice echoing through the room. “Looking for someone?” The bright light of a flash beacon in your hand blinded the creature badly.

Pandemonium let out a furious roar and lunged toward you, abandoning the locker that hid Sebastian. You moved with inhuman speed, dodging its attack, your tail flicking behind you as you sidestepped its lumbering form. You slashed at it with your claws, your movements fluid and deadly.

“Get out of here, Sebastian!” you shouted over your shoulder, still keeping your eyes on the creature. “Go! Now!”

Sebastian didn’t need to be told twice. He pushed the locker door open and stumbled out, his body shaking with adrenaline. He risked a glance back at you, watching as you fought off the creature with a fierce determination. He wanted to help, to stay and fight, but he knew he would only be a liability.

He turned and bolted for the exit, sprinting down the hall as fast as his legs would carry him. He could hear the sounds of the battle behind him, the roars of Pandemonium and the sharp, angry snarls of your voice. He didn’t stop running until he was far away, collapsing against a wall to catch his breath.

He waited, chest heaving, listening for any sound of pursuit. But the only sound he heard was the pounding of his own heart. After what felt like an eternity, he forced himself to his feet and started moving again, heading toward the familiar path that would lead him back to your shop.

Sebastian stumbled back into your shop, chest still heaving from the adrenaline. He looked around, waiting for you to return. His mind was racing with thoughts of what had just happened, and how close he had come to being torn apart by Pandemonium. The shop felt like a sanctuary, a place where he could finally catch his breath.

After what felt like hours but was probably only a few minutes, he heard the sound of approaching footsteps. His heart leaped as he saw you step into the shop, looking a bit battered but very much alive. You had a few scratches and bruises on your arms, but your eyes were bright and filled with that familiar spark of mischief.

“You look like you’ve been through a blender,” you teased, a smirk tugging at the corner of your lips. “Let me guess—you tried to pet Pandemonium?”

Sebastian chuckled, a relieved grin spreading across his face despite his exhaustion. “Yeah, well, I thought it could use a hug. Turns out, not a fan.”

You rolled your eyes, walking over to him and giving him a playful shove on the shoulder. “Idiot. I told you to keep your distance from the big, scary monsters, didn’t I?”

Sebastian shrugged, trying to look nonchalant but failing. “Yeah, yeah, but where’s the fun in that?”

“Oh, so getting mauled by a creature from your worst nightmares is your idea of fun?” you shot back, your tone dripping with sarcasm. “Good to know. I’ll make sure to schedule more near-death experiences for you.”

He laughed, shaking his head. “Thanks for saving my ass back there. I thought I was done for.”

You folded your arms, giving him a once-over. “You’re lucky I was in the neighborhood. Otherwise, you’d be a very pretty smear on the floor right now.”

“Pretty, huh?” Sebastian grinned, leaning against the wall as he caught his breath. “So, you think I’m pretty?”

You snorted, rolling your eyes again but failing to hide your smile. “I said ‘pretty smear,’ not pretty face. Don’t let it go to your head, Solace.”

Sebastian laughed again, feeling a warmth spread through his chest at your teasing. Despite the danger, the fear, and the madness of this place, moments like this made it all a bit more bearable. “You know,” he said, a bit more seriously now, “I’ve never met anyone quite like you.”

“Damn right you haven’t,” you replied, still sassy but with a hint of softness in your voice. “I’m one of a kind. And don’t you forget it.”

“I don’t think I could if I tried,” Sebastian said quietly, his eyes meeting yours. For a moment, the two of you just stood there, the playful banter giving way to a deeper connection.

You broke the silence with a mock sigh, dramatically placing a hand over your heart. “Careful, Solace. Keep talking like that, and I might think you’re actually starting to like me.”

He chuckled, pushing off the wall and taking a step closer to you. “Maybe I am,” he admitted, his voice soft. “Maybe more than a little.”

You blinked, momentarily caught off guard by his honesty. But then, your lips curled into a grin. “Well, you better hold onto that thought, because if you pull another stunt like today, I’m letting Pandemonium have you for lunch.”

Sebastian laughed, the sound filling the small shop. “Deal,” he said, smiling. “No more stunts. Just… maybe stick around a bit longer?”

You nodded, your playful demeanor softening as you looked at him. “Yeah, I think I can do that,” you said softly. “Just try not to get yourself killed, okay?”

“I’ll do my best,” Sebastian replied, his smile widening. For the first time in a long time, he felt a glimmer of hope, a sense of belonging in this strange, dangerous place. And it was all because of you.

[mori-does-sw]

Of Hell May Smile

PAIRING(S) \ Vampire!Marshall Commander Fox x GN!Reader SYNOPSIS \ You've got an agreement with the Coruscant Guard, an agreement that Fox is looking to cash out on for the usual reasons as well as some more... personal ones. WARNING(S) \ Very brief horror, detailed descriptions of blood and blood drinking, minor injury, description of altered mental states (vampire spit is drugs), some very minor suggestive content A/N \ I saw a vampire Fox post once and I think it changed my brain chemistry. This man has me by the throat at All Times and I am unashamed of that fact lmao. So, anyways, here's exactly 1500 words of my own spin on that idea in honor of spooky month!

It’s when they start turning out the lights for the night that the Senate archives, usually a place of refuge from sneering politicians and throngs of reporters, becomes ominous. You always feel on-edge, walking through the darkened halls with only the flashlight on your datapad and the sound of your own footsteps for company.

But you aren’t a child anymore, you tell yourself; There aren’t any monsters going to jump out of the nearest shadow to get you. You aren’t still afraid of the dark. That would be ridiculous.

That’s why, when a shadow detaches from the wall, you’re primed and ready to send the datapad on hand flying in its direction. It misses, and faster than you can open your mouth to voice your terror, they slap a hand over your lips and start dragging you back into their hiding spot.

Instinctively, you claw at your attacker’s shoulders only for your nails to slide harmlessly down smooth, cool plastoid. A stab of startling clarity, and your eyes are darting to the sword-and-cog insignia emblazoned in red across his pauldron. Higher up, to a familiar helmet with a familiar color scheme—Fox.

The fight leaves you so quickly you sag in his grip, a moment of weakness he readily abuses to drag you further into the alcove. You register your shoulders hitting the wall, then your back, until the bulk of his armor is pressing you deep into the shadows.

“Can I help you, commander?” you finally work up the courage to ask, unable to soften the bite from your words. His silence makes it hard to calm your racing nerves, to pull your thoughts together, to think at all.

Your quickened breathing is loud in the small space between you. The pop of his helmet’s airtight seal is louder. You flinch at the sudden noise, but go still when one of his hands starts to rub soothing circles into your hip bone. With the other, he lifts his helmet off and lets it fall to the ground, clattering loudly and then rolling into your ankle.

There’s a long pause, and then: “I’m hungry.”

“... Ah.”

Fox has always taken great care to maintain the facade of the infallible commander of the guard, the model clone trooper complete with a regulation haircut and the emotional range of wet cardboard. The headlines call him steadfast, the citizens, cold-blooded; His quarry can only say he’s terrifying.

In this moment, he’s desperate. Vulnerable. Any anger beginning to brew from his rude surprise cools at the sight.

His whole body is trembling, almost vibrating, and his eyes are so far blown that they’re almost totally black. His skin has turned colorless and ashy, corpse-like, and its frigidity can be felt through the thick fabric of his gloves. 

Fox’s mouth is slightly parted, the distended tips of his fangs pressing into his bottom lip. You can’t tear yourself away from the sight, darkly fascinated by the way they gleam wetly with saliva. You can feel the blood rushing through your body, drumming in the places where your veins lay beneath your skin. Where you know he’ll sink his teeth.

You swallow heavily, your fear replaced by a not dissimilar, but altogether different thrill.

The clones of the Coruscant Guard have been on the receiving end of the public’s… curiosity. Whispers abound, they say that the guards never take off their helmets. That the workload is too heavy for their number, that they must go days without sleeping to keep up; Some claim that they don’t breathe.

Even before you knew what, exactly, made them the way they are, you agreed with the general sentiment: There is something incredibly eerie about the Coruscant Guard.

The chill of Fox’s skin makes you shiver as his nose bumps against your jaw. He inhales raggedly, his breastplate digging more firmly into your skin with the motion.

“Your heart is beating very fast.” He sounds off, dazed like he’s already half-drunk with blood. Your pulse kicks up even higher when he presses his mouth to that soft spot under your jaw to feel it.

You must make some noise, because after a moment he pulls away. The heat of Fox’s gaze bores into you even when you can’t meet his eyes.

“Am I scaring you?”

“... No.”

For all that you’d been doing this for several months you’d never been approached by Fox in the same way as his vode. Others who’d taken the agreement—credits for your blood and discretion—had offered and been turned down. If the shinies who stayed back to chat were to be believed, he only fed from his closest compatriots.

That doesn’t mean you haven’t noticed the weight of Fox’s gaze on you, observing you like he can’t help himself. You haven’t wondered what his bite would feel like, if he’d be as sweet and apologetic as some of the younger Corries, or whip-fast and to-the-point like Commander Stone. You haven’t considered if he’d want you to feel just as good as him.

It feels like you’ve swallowed sand, with how dry your mouth is. Every inhale whistles through your esophagus, which, in the meantime, feels like it’s been scraped raw. Your face is uncomfortably hot. Fox’s thumb is still swirling hypnotic, utterly damning circles against your hip.

Licking your lips, you try to smile. “I can handle it, if you promise to be gentle.”

The first prick of his fangs stills you; You’re biting your lip to keep quiet. But as Fox continues to sink his teeth into the column of your neck, you can’t help the soft whine that escapes your lips. He hums low in his throat, one hand sliding up to cradle the back of your head. He tilts it gently away from where he’s fixed, lessening some of the pressure.

Being held my him doesn’t hurt. It’s barely uncomfortable. And after a moment, the bite stops being painful too—ebbing away as a heated flush slowly spreads through your body.

You can feel blood pooling around the punctures and sliding down your neck. Fox laps it up hungrily. Much like the rest of him, his tongue is cold, and it feels odd passing over your skin.

The longer he feeds, the more pronounced the effects it has on you become. Your memory of Thire’s explanation escapes you, something about sedatives and happy chemicals that keep their prey pliant. It feels like your brain is melting, thoughts slipping from your grasp like water dripping through a sieve. You blink multiple times, hard, and distantly note how your vision has gone fuzzy at the edges. 

You think you should be frightened by this, but you can’t figure out why. Fox has you; You’re warm, safe, and perfectly content to go boneless in his hold for as long as he wants you there.

After an indeterminable amount of time, you’re roused by a strange sensation reverberating through your chest. It takes an embarrassing amount of time for you to realize that Fox is purring.

Many times you’ve done this, and not once has a Corrie purred like they’re shaking apart, trying to fit you inside their ribcage and keep you there. 

“Oooh, the big bad commander is getting soft,” You giggle drunkenly. 

“Pipe down. You’re just—warm,” he mutters, brusque tone belying the way he fists the back of your uniform in his attempt to press closer. Seeing as he’s already pinned you bodily down, Fox isn’t very successful. Nevertheless, his satisfaction is clear when he starts purring louder.

“That’s just because your body sucks.”

A pang of disappointment shoots through you when Fox finally pulls back. His breathing is slow, but heavy, and he’s still curled into you like gravity is pulling him in. Your brain is still too addled to control the pathetic whimper that slips out at the loss of proximity. 

Fox chuckles raspily, moving to dot kisses like freckles across your cheeks. Your legs are wobbling, fawn-like, and when he steps back you have to grab him again, lest you keel over and onto the duracrete floor.

Fox is looking much better. There’s a healthy flush to his face that speaks to the new blood flowing through his system, and his eyes have returned to their normal brown. The relaxed set of his mouth, however, dips down into a frown as he surveys you.

“... I got greedy, took more than I needed. My apologies.”

“It’s okay,” you sigh, “You needed it.”

Your eyes keep sliding closed without your permission, but, more lucid now, you manage to prop one eye open and fix him with a coy look. “However, I wouldn’t mind someone taking responsibility for his actions and helping me back to my flat.”

“Yeah,” Fox murmurs, pressing a coppery kiss beside his weeping bite mark. You can feel him smirking against your tender, abused flesh, and shiver. “I can take care of you.”

When the lights finally click off and plunge you into pitch-black darkness, Fox silences your startled shout with his own mouth.

[ash-and-starlight]

Books of 2023

the list nobody asked for <3

My reading habits had gone a bit stagnant in the past couple of years so this year i made the effort to engage in reading again and wow books really are good!! who would have thought! Sharing this year's book log with the small reviews i did while reading yeah i am That kind of list lover if u feel like being nosy, (and maybe even help mi crowdsource reading recs based on my likes 👀🤲?)

The left Hand of Darkness - Ursula K. Le Guin Ursula i Need to know your thoughts on omegaver- [gunshot] THAT ASIDE yeah. mrs Le Guin you've done it again. I can see why everyone got their brain chemistry altered by this book.

The Membranes - Chi Ta-Wei another brain chemistry altering book. would love to discuss it with a gender studies major lmao

Satanic Verses - Salman Rushdie its a v atmospheric and poignant story, I know I would have loved it more if I was familiar with the rich religious/cultural background it draws from

The Masquerade Series - Seth Dickinson Crazy insane in the membrane about this series. one of the most compelling worldbuildings I've ever seen, and most importantly it features one of the most crazy wet pathetic scrunkly meow meow protagonists i've ever had the pleasure of reading about.

Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides i liked the writing style of this book a lot! idk how well it holds up re: intersexuality topic, but its a very engaging read.

Dead Blondes and Bad Mothers: Monstrosity, Patriarchy, and the Fear of Female Power - Jude Ellison, Sady Doyle The title says it all honestly, its a beautiful, thought provoking and engaging essay, spanning eras, pop culture phenomenons, and real life events on the topic of women and horror.

The cat who saved books - Sōsuke Natsukawa this was so cute and heartfelt, it will really make you go Ah Yes, this is Why we Love Books <333

The Locked Tomb Series - Tamsyn Muir now when people say there is a girl who is the cursed sacrifice of 2000 infants who falls in love with the sleeping embodiment of the soul of the Earth (barbie) and also another girl who is the only survivor of the aforementioned sacrifice and is. a Jesus metaphor? and also the two girls become one at some point. and every book is a different genre. and god is bisexual. and memes survived the nuclear apocalypse. I can just nod and say so true.

The Area X Trilogy - Jeff VanderMeer Rotating this series in the microwave of my mind at the speed of light it's soSO GOOD!! the movie doesn't even come close honestly u NEED to read the books. and then go touch grass and be aware of every strand in a completely new way.

The Dawn of Yangchen - F. C. Yee nice read! I was more invested in the worldbuilding crumbs than in the actual story lmao, I will forever think about the HEATED airball rivalry between the air temples and about the swt greetings / bethrotal armbands.

Inuit Stories of Being and Rebirth: Gender, Shamanism, and the Third Sex - Bernard Saladin d'Anglure starting w a disclaimer bc I feel like the topic of native colonization was ignored when it should have been way more prominent when talking about the context of where and when these testimonies were collected?? That aside it was very interesting and well put together, with first account testimonies of Inuit elders about their myths, lifestyles and beliefs.

Pachinko - Min Jin Lee i read the book after having seen the tv series (which i also rlly recommend). Very moving story about a family and its generations, from Korea under Japanese colonization to modern day America.

Her body and other parties - Carmen Maria Marchado sometimes I go about my day then I remember this book exists and stare at the wall for 30 minutes.

Dictionnaire de l'impossible - Didier Van Cauwelaert big miss. this collection of articles about "strange impossible phenomenons" sounded so quirky and interesting but i sure would have loved if the author hadnt so clearly picked a side. and also way too much church for my tastes.

He who Drowned the World - Shelley Parker Chan Im not even gonna speak about this one if you've followed me since july you know what pits of insanity and despair i'm in

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow - Gabrielle Zevin Sometimes!! the book with pretty covers put in the "famous on socials" bookstore section!! are good!! It's about being othered it's about connection it's about diaspora it's about love and friendship and most of all it's about viddy games.

Station Eleven - Emily St. John Mandel reading this post-covid and learning it was written in 2017 was A TRIP. Psychic damage at every page. still feeling very normla.

The Mask of Apollo - Mary Renault Ugh i desperately wanted to like this book because the setup is so interesting and full of potential, but the end result was just. flat. flat story flat characters the plot focusing on the wrong things at the wrong times i was so DONE when i reached the end otz.

Babel - R. F. Kuang LOVED the worldbuilding in this, the "lost in translation" system of magic is one of the most interesting things ive ever read. I think theres something about the writing in general that didn't win me over completely?? but all in all a very good

Red Ocean - Han Song This sure is a Book. That i've Read. its so profundly strange and unlike anything ive come across that i dont even know what to feel about it. i think 90% of my confusion comes from Not Getting Cultural References so if someone has a "red ocean explained" essay plz send it my way bc i couldnt find one.

[herejusttosufferalong]

This is the anon who asked about your mental health. I’ve been stopping myself in adding to the discourse here but I fear that I’ve put myself in a bit of an emotional rollercoaster when I listen to the lives or look at the fanedits that some of the Lukola content creators put out. I don’t want to appear weak but just to protect my sanity for these few rocky weeks, I have decided to unfollow these people and just feed my delulu exclusively through the discourse here on tumblr because it seems to be less harming compared to Insta, TT, and X.

In saying all of this, this is one of the things I hold on to tightly in terms of this ship— whether it is platonic, romantic or whatever the hell these two people who are strangers to me but have manage to alter my brain chemistry wants their relationship to be…I can see, feel, and understand that there is a real love between them that none of us can fully understand (to the extent of the people around them).

I love them both and will be a forever fan. I will continue to hope for their relationship blossoming into what I want it to be but will shut down any infomation about their personal lives for now (or sneak a peek at this blog). I’m here for their work and I admire them as people.

I’ll enjoy my entrees for now and maybe put my head down so I don’t get my emotions worked up for no reason. I’m still here but just taking a breather.

😮‍💨🧘‍♀️

I completely understand anon

Protect your peace above all else 💜

[mintys-musings]

i remembered the idea of Alpha!Mayoi Ayase and the gears are turning. so ig i am writing something for his day v quickly- just some ramble about him in a rut and a gn!reader finding him

NSFW under cut~!

ik ik the logical idea would be to have omega!mayoi but really consider him being an alpha~ :3

if he's in a rut, he's avoiding everyone more than he usually is. he's so fucking ashamed of himself. the shame eats at him and swallows him whole that any rational thought is thrown out in favour of hiding so he can deal with the problem himself.

hell thats even assuming he leaves his room- well actually- he might leave his room in order to go to the most secluded spots of ES that he can think of

100% is crying as he tries to jack himself off. crying- whimpering- moaning in that way he usually does but now it is actually because of something sexual- the whole 9 yards

poor baby if you find him- he would be groveling at your feet apologising. he's so disgusting for revealing his true nature to you like this (he didn't do anything. you just found him like this) he has held your kindness too close to his heart and now he fears you'll despise him for the wretched being he is (he moaned your name a couple times)

if you offer to help him out during his rut, he's going to have an internal struggle. he would nearly pounce on you before his anxiety kicks in and he starts clutching at your legs and asking if it's truly okay

it takes some convincing, but less than normal because his rut is altering his brain chemistry.

would hold off as long as he can to prep you, but foreplay is very sloppy and quick. he needs to be in you. he's begging to be in you.

the minute his dick is in your hole, any self control is out the window. he is ROUGH and FAST. lord help you.

so so vocal. mostly apologising and praising/thanking you between moans and whimpers. he describes everything he's feeling in such detail it's almost like you could feel it too.

drools. drools and bites. he is also apologising for all the mess. he is a very messy person when in a rut. if you let him claim you fully, he's- well first he's gonna cry- second he's gonna mark you up completely. lets you return the favour after because "I'm yours as much as you are mine, darling~ Maybe even more so~"

once his knot pops into place, he's holding you as tight as he can without hurting you and laying down. whispers more thanks and apologies into your hair and kisses your face all over. he's so grateful that he might start up again even before his knot fully relaxes. just humping into your hole until you're both too overstimulated to talk

after everything, is treating you like a precious glass sculpture. absolutely spoils you with care and affection. goes into the following week even in subtle ways like everything you need/thought you loss appearing. sometimes he leaves sticky notes with love hearts so you know exactly who it's from. sweetheart mayoi my beloved scrungly forever mwuah mwuah 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

[sadboytournament]

ROUND ONE

Propaganda

Adriane Tepes/Alucard: Bro's mom got murdered and his dad went insane and tried to wipe out humanity, and Adrian had to kill him to save everyone. AND THEN he had to deal with people trying to revive his dad to cause even more deaths! Also he's immortal so he's outlived everyone he's ever cared about 😭

Jason Todd: (tw: sexual assault mention) the second robin, gets taken in by bruce after his abusive dad walks out and his mum dies of an overdose (and he also steals the wheels of the batmobile, king). bruce trains him to be robin and for his original run he was a pretty cute kid (with the occasional Angst Arcs that are pretty common w robin - special shoutout to jason finding out his dad was actually killed by two face and he just didnt know, and an arc where a woman that reminds him of his mum gets raped by a guy that iirc has diplomatic immunity i think?? or enough power to get away with it? anyway jason fucking kills him so not that immune ig) then death in the family happened and jason found out his mum isnt his biological mum so he sets off trying to find his bio mum, and eventually he meets her, but shes working for the joker and sells jason out to him. the joker then proceeds to beat jason with a crowbar and blows the building hes in up with his mum also inside it, killing them both. dc then does a fun thing for the next 20 years where they start treating jason like the '"""troubled""" """angry""" robin who was too reckless and was always going to end up dead. eventually dc brings jason back (as dc is wont to do), by having him wake up inside his coffin years after dying, dig his way out with his bare hands, and walk half-dead in the general direction of wayne manor until he's hit by a car and taken to the hospital (where all his says is 'bruce' over and over, and when asked who bruce is he responds 'my dad' and passes out) eventually he ends up in talia al ghul's care and is dunked in a lazarus pit to revive him completely, and he finds out not only is the joker still alive, but batmans also replaced him as robin. jason returns to gotham as red hood and has an honestly pretty slay arc where he taunts bruce by doing a better job of cleaning up gotham than him ngl. eventually it all culminates with him luring batman to a building where hes keeping the joker and telling b that his no kill rule is bullshit, and he shouldve killed the joker for taking jason away from him. he gives bruce an ultimatum thats basically if you dont kill me ill kill the joker, you gotta pick' and bruce chooses to instead disarm jason and save them both, and jason escapes. what follows is a lot of ups and downs for red hood comics (mostly due to the "angry robin" narrative dc writers have spun, making a lot of jasons appearances wildly ooc fights, lots of weird (tragically in character) cringefail behaviour, and this odd period where hes a natural redhead and his helmet is this ugly dome). itd be too long to list every jason todd sadboy moment from the last 20 years here but i do want to give a special shoutout to a currect story arc where bruce (who thinks hes being controlled by a 'perfect batman' hes got in his head) gets sick of jason's """reckless behaviour""" and fucking alters jasons brain chemistry so that whenever his adrenaline rises, he'll have a panic attack so severe hes basically incapacitated and can barely speak through his fear (the instant he escapes bruce's captivity he jumps into a burning building to save a little girl im SOFT for him!!). also second special shoutout to the jason todd in the arkham games who didnt even have the luxury of dying at the jokers hand, and was instead tortured for like 3 years, branded, beaten by p much everyone in batmans rogues gallery (and some of jokers goons dressed as batman), eventually jason breaks himself out only to find out that NOT ONLY has bruce replaced him, but it took the man like. a month. like jason wouldnt be thought dead for a long time, he was missing and bruce just went 'ill let this new kid adopt himself' ig? also theres a vr game in the arkham series where you can go into arkham asylum and hear jason screaming 🙃

[needle-noggins]

I got so caught up in part 1 that I forgot to do part 2 of my Vol. 7 analysis! This time a little more about baby Knives and then adult Vash, just casually altering my very brain chemistry.

KNIVES. BOY. SHUTTING YOURSELF IN IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU. Remember what I said in part 1 about Knives avoiding Rem and holding it all back? Vash may have lashed out and tried to kill Rem (instantly regretting it), but sweet sensitive Knives held himself together so that he could try to kill Rem later... and he succeeded. Here Rem tries to get him to open up, but it's too little, too late. He's made up his mind. She grossly misunderstood how bad the situation was.

In case you didn't already know, don't do this. Don't bottle everything up. Find someone you can trust and tell them what's heavy. Don't be Knives. Don't let your trauma twist your thoughts and actions out of control. Can we read Knives as a cautionary tale, even just for a moment?

Now, as an adult... For as much as he's quiet and cunning, he's still detached from reality. He can't see, or maybe he can't admit, that he's angry because he's fearful. He can't understand that, if he had an ounce of reflection, he would see that he's not better than the humans who he claim have no self-control, are all terrible, no nuance allowed. Or, perhaps he tells himself that since he's an Independent, and therefore something higher, that he's right by default.

A bit aside - I'm really surprised no one has brought up the fact that the twins are half-plant when they - especially Knives - talks as if he's entirely plant. He's completely ignoring the fact that he's human in many ways, even if not in full. Independents are weird, though, so I may be wrong and maybe the thought that they're half-human/half-plant is a translation thing from Stampede or whatever, I don't know.

I DO also love that this monologue comes around the same time that Knives tries to literally absorb Vash (bringing our symbolic assault count to 3) (way to go, boys) (stop walking into this situation, Vash). Knives complains about humans being parasites, meanwhile ya boy is trying to absorb his sister plants and his brother, trying to feed off their power, taking everything for himself. What a hypocrite.

Then Vash and Knives have their little fight, which, oof, Vash thinking that this is the end of the line for him is so painful. We're only halfway through the manga and Vash thinks he's about to die already. It just prolongs the pain. Then we get Vash's line about running away and settling down with humans when it calms down, a line that Stampede took basically verbatim, and I love it so much. Vash doesn't talk about his future much, but he foresees himself always running, always hoping for a quiet, easy life in some nebulous, untouchable tomorrow. Once people gain compassion for him and the plants. Once they finally listen. Until then, he'll just keep trying.

And, for all of Vash's suicidal ideations, for all of his grief and regret, he stubbornly tries to believe in a better tomorrow. For all he has to live with in his past, he can still use his hands now, make someone else's life easier. Through this he can himself feel better. There's a true thing about being altruistic in that it makes you happier as well. Compassion begets compassion. Hope begets hope. This is set so wonderfully within the same volume as Rem's story and drives home the way in which Vash took her words to heart. Yes, Rem was flawed just as everyone else is, but she tried to impart some goodness in these boys, and for what it's worth, it worked with Vash. And, is it really all that bad, to try to do what you can, to use your hands for good, to try to make someone else's life easier? To lessen someone's suffering? Altruism may be Vash's greatest virtue, and if that isn't admirable, then I don't know what is.

This boy is quickly escaping "haha blorbo" territory and heading straight into "irreversible impact on my very soul".

[summercourtship]

hi! this is probably really random but i just finished reading stay to burn (only to drown instead) and i just... have so much to say. its been two days since i found this and i finished it in the past two nights, staying up till 8 am and reading it with the biggest smile on my face. ive been unbelievably invested. and the first thing i want to mention is the way you wrote jonathan crane.. being an avid nolanverse crane fan (because cillian murphy is papa) i rarely see any fics about him which had me so heartbroken, until i came across this while seeking out battinson fics. and it completely changed my life. i believe no one can write him the way you do, the completely chilling, toxic, manupulative, obsessive, possessive, insane way you wrote him was so unbelievably realistic. i know ill sound a little dramatic but i genuinely have tears in my eyes just writing this review because that whole 16 chaptered masterpiece means so much to me. you have changed my life for the better in a way, i know this is dramatic but im so serious. ive been so happy just reading this (does that sound insane) because you write him so so insanely beautifully, that i am kind of sad because i dont think any other way hes written will ever live up to it. the way you portrayed battinson and edward also had me hooked. it was so brilliant, the relationships were so wonderfully crafted. and the smut was INCREDIBLE. everytime there was a chilling scene with crane i would go back and reread it over and over again. (may i add, the little spit kink and slap part blew me away. thank you for that) especially really loved him being a psychology professor. and scarily dominant and so eerily calm. your writing brought back my love for him, made me want to rewatch his scenes over and over again so i could fantasize about him instead of doing homework or something. the last part about his fear toxin sticking with you, a part of him instilled within the reader, the way he said she belonged to him— how calmly he challenges her, tries to gain control over her life, a mix of tropes that are my absolute favourites strung together in your brilliant work. i wish i could read it for the first time again, i wish there were 10 more parts of it. i started the fic because im obsessed with battinson, but i immediately got invested into crane and reader's toxic relationship which was so beautifully written. and even though its unhealthy it made me crave something like it. (can you tell i have father issues) im so so sorry for writing so much but i just finished the fic and its almost 5 am here and i had to send in my appreciation. every single part about the fic was perfect— the way you wrote bruce, and edward had me fucking terrified but it was so good. another thing i adored was the way you portrayed reader— i could reflect myself in her. i could feel like i was there. the settings, the themes, the way you portrayed arkham— everything was wonderfully crafted. im kinda running out of adjectives omg because im just.. i just loved it so so so much. thank you for writing this. and especially for altering my brain chemistry forever with how you wrote crane. especially the fear aspects. everything. literally everything. he's perfect.

and i beg you, if you ever plan to write for him again, i cant wait to read it. im begging you to please do it. no pressure, of course. im just kind of upset because i feel like any other jonathan fic i read will seem pale because i would keep comparing it to your way of writing him. you're amazing. your writing is everything and i hope you never stop. i just want you to know that you will forever have an avid, enthusiastic reader no matter what. thank you so much. 🎀

(oh my god i went off the rails here... my bad.)

first off: i love getting long messages, never apologize!!

secondly: thank you so much!! I'm honored that this fic means so much to you, it was really a labor of love and I'm so happy that people are still reading it and connecting with it even though it's been a few months since it was completed! I get having a fic kinda change your life- I have a few of those myself! Stories are stories and even if the medium seems lame, they can and will change you if you let it.

The lack of nolan!verse Crane fics was what really inspired me to start working on STBOTDI- I wanted a nice long fic and couldn't find any, which is a true shame! Jonathan was really fun to write, because he's essentially a walking red flag that the reader willing ignores bc she's horny curious.

Not many people have talked about their last conversation in Arkham but I really liked it! I think it is a conversation where they are at their most honest with one another. (Also the bit about the fear toxin lasting in her is kinda hot ngl.)

ALSO I am so happy you connected with the reader! It's always a gamble with reader characters to make them have agency and a personality while hopefully still being somewhat relatable for the actual reader.

I have plans for a multi-fic sequel!! I don't know how much of each relationship will actually be in it, but all of the characters will be there and will be vying for the reader's attention/control over her again. I'm still in the early planning stages of that but I'm hoping to really get it going sometime early next year.

<3

[episodeoftv]

Round 2 of 8, Group 4 of 4

propaganda and summaries are under the cut (May include spoilers)

Kamen Rider Saber: 1.26 Deep Darkness, With a Sword

Calibur's identity turned out to be Kento, who should have died. Despite this revelation however, Kento suddenly leaves telling them he will seal all the Seikens to save the world from destruction. Believing that they can fight together again, Touma and his friends try to engage Primitive Dragon who has caused Touma to go berserk more than once. Meanwhile, Ren is glad to hear that Kento has resurrected, but is told by Reika that he is an enemy of the guild. So just what happened to Kento? This is the beginning of the battle over the Almighty Book, Yuri tells them, being the first owner and keeper of the power of the Sword of Shadows. Yuri confronts Kento alone, but it eventually drags him into a battle against him. Just then, he starts to make his move.

Altered my brain chemistry. A character thought to be dead returns, and turns on his friends. It's gut wrenching as we see how he experienced numerous visions of the future, nearly all including the death of his childhood friend who he cares for deeply. All of these visions are so real to him and bring him to the brink of complete despair. He turns on them, as saving the world side-by-side can only lead to failure and death. You can feel the characters' hearts break as they see their friend is not the same as he once was. But he can't let his friend die, he rather sacrifice himself then let him die. There's a lot of sadness, anxiety, and fear and it's felt by the audience.

The Little House on the Prairie: 1.18 Plague

With the sudden intensity of a prairie storm, typhus is unleashed on an unsuspecting Walnut Grove, teaming Charles with Doc Baker and Reverend Alden, who work together to the point of exhaustion tending to the community's sick and dying; but when new victims begin to pour in from the surrounding countryside the desperate men know they must find the source of the plague if they expect to stop the deadly epidemic.

it's got to be the first full episode I saw of The Little House On the Prairie and man it TRAUMATIZED me like everyone is dying and there are rats.

[my-fancy-hat]

After cooling down a bit (took an entire day to stop crying here and there) I can confidenly say Mob Pyscho 100 is a MUST watch show in your lifespan. No matter where you at right now or how old you are, I believe this story has this life-changing power that will always have something great and heart-warming to offer and bring a new perspective of things for everyone. Not only because it’s one of the most fulfilled adaptations from an original work where the dedication, love and passion of the studio radiates throught the screen to the viewers or how unique the animation is along side an amazing soundtrack and openings; what makes mob psycho this special and meaningful to so many people is the mature approaching and management of its backbone themes: change, empathy, humility, acceptance and connections. A well-puted, charming, sensible and personal coming of age story about a little kid who in fear of his nature and rejection shut himself from his marvels and rights to feel freely, meets a broken and loner adult starving for meaning to his existence, both complementing each other so well in a lasting but hopeful journey of personal grown to become just a good person. As the character progress or regress steps during seasons this finale left in such a positive and recomforting note, manteining all the references and cohesion to all of its characters’ personal themes, remaining true to themselves to the very end: you’re the only one, you’re imperfect but complete on your own, and to live to the fullest and to be a person of well you have to know and accept yourself. Mob and Reigen finally coming to terms with their falsehood exposing their helpless and genuinest selfs to each other, and both giving to the other acceptance of what they saw, them as whole. Reigen lies let Mob enter his life and Mob’s powers made him who he is; without this facades and worst they wouldn’t have meet and fundamentally changed their lifes, so there’s always something good to take of everything and keep on. Thanks to the positive impact they made into the world and all the amazing people they let in in their lifes they’re able to change, because it is the love of their surroundings they’re learning to love themselves.

Mob Psycho left me with a similar taste in my mouth like Everything Everywhere All at Once did. I met the show in a very delicate moment of my life where all paths were uncertain but promising. It’s fondness and softness dropped in my year just in the moment I needed them the most ("I decided to consider my feelings more, and you have to pick up the things that are important" altered my brain chemistry forever may say), as a gentle hand rubbing my back every week, it sure had a positive influence in my own healing process and rehabilitation. I’m grateful to have experienced this work of art in this timeline and it will stick up with me as one of those special and precious stories you hold close to the heart, truly. No words exaggerating in here, I consider Mob Psycho 100 peak fiction and one of my favorites of all time, and Reigen is my babygirl.

[celestie0]

Hey Ellie! Is it just me or is it normal to start reading a story with a fear that the author might abandon it?

hi my dear!! i hope this isn't referring to any of my fics LMFAOO pls have faith in me pookie

but no i think that's totally valid haha. omgg back when i was a kpop stan there was this one fic that me n my friend were obsessed w like it literally devastated us and tbh permanently altered my brain chemistry and changed the trajectory of our lives but then the author never updated again DSKJFHSKDHF can u believe that to this day i still check for updates occasionally?? :''') it's been...nine years i think hahah.

i think that's a valid fear! but obv it's up to you. i just prefer to read series over oneshots, so i'm okay with taking the L of a series not being completed bc i'd still rather read a series over something shorter. but if you're struggling w that fear, then maybe sticking to more oneshot or limited series type content might be better? sometimes never starting a fic n living in blissful ignorance is better than starting it and being obsessed w it and then the author never finishes it. me personally i like to live life on the edge (jk im like the safest person you'll ever meet) BUT i'd still take my chances w a fic if i found it enticing

[rocketslacker]

I got tagged by @soul-cairn in like December and then forgor 💀But! Here's my top albums for last year! On the top we have albums that are "newer" additions to my ever-growing hoard of music. Most I knew already but hadn't gotten brainrot about.

Good Kid 3 by Good Kid - Easy pick and #1 in Last.FM just in general. A lot of my scheming this year has been w this one, my enjoyment of it skyrocketed much more in November but. Still. Fave here is probably First Rate Town, but it's very hard to choose. Mimi's Delivery Service and No Time To Explain are also great. They all go hard. In A Million Years by Last Dinosaurs - Last Dinosaurs in general has been very present in my playlists this year, the vibes are immaculate. Fave her is probably Zoom right now, but it zooms between that, Andy, and Sunday Night. Ground - I'm cheating w this one since it's technically a single rn, but it just genuinely changed my brain chemistry like nothing else had done in a few years. Banger. Middle is albums that have just been here year after year. Centésimo Humano by Mad Tree - Akaiitori tagged below introduced me to these guys and I haven't been safe ever since. Alquimia will always reign supreme, but I listened to a lot of La Ciudad Y El Humo and Rubí this year. Fear Is Fleeting by Puppet - MY BELOVED !!! Much like Ground altered my brain chemistry, this completely rewired my braincells. Like this just goes so hard, this is my EP, this is my everything. Fave here is Killing Giants by Puppet & Murtagh ft Richard Caddock !!! But also listened to a lot of Listen to the Storm. Immersion by Pendulum - There's always a lot of Pendulum, but I was surprised it was higher up than In Silico this year. I did listen to a lot of Encoder and Watercolour.

Last but not least, bottom three are albums that have been in my radar and I have been listening to for a while, but didn't get attached to until 2023. Danger Days by My Chemical Romance - A classic. Listened to it so much while working on stuff, I still can't name much of the songs from it since I was often away from the screen, but Planetary Go remained stuck in my head for a long time. I Know You Know Who I Am by Puppet - I'm still not too attached to a lot of the songs here, but it still broke through to my top 10. Here, my favourite would be Good Day, and My Own Thing. Yokohama always holds a special place in my heart. No Mal Que Dure Una Vida by Lika Nova - Also got introduced by Akaiitori, i got super bad brainrot during the summer with Manos Al Fuego and No Me Dejes Caer.

Tagging: @akaiitori @foolish-spectre @ovytia @incorrigiblyindecent @literalfuckingdragon @ayahoes AND everyone else who wants to do it!