#complete with a bunch of fucking Italians throwing a fit

[canichangemyblogname]

Algerian boxer Imane Khelif is a cisgender woman, you absolute freaks. The International Boxing Association never did a karyotype test on her; they only tested her testosterone levels. She was disqualified from competing due to antiquated, misogynistic and patriarchal regulations that require women to present according a Platonic ideal (a perfect form) of Womanhood. She is a cis woman; she did not undergo “male puberty,” you genitalia-obsessed weirdos.

She grew up in a rural Algerian village and overcame numerous gender barriers to get where she is. Her father forbade her from boxing because he didn’t approve of girls playing the sport, and he actively prevented her from practicing. She would be actively prevented from boxing again in 2023 because a panel of men deemed her not “woman” enough because of arbitrary rules about how much testosterone a “true lady” should produce.

Imane Khelif’s life story is one of overcoming adversity put in place by the arbitrary rules the patriarchy imposes upon women to keep men as men and women down.

Also, it is literally illegal to be trans in Algeria. Algeria does not allow people to change their sex on official documents or undergo medical or hormonal treatment to transition. Y’all are freaks who hate queer people and women. Leave Imane Khelif alone. Leave trans women alone. Leave women alone, period.

[cyberdragoninfinity]

Well now I'm sending an ask for Primo :V

WOOOOO i think primo will be the last one i do of these for now.... im running outta juice 🥴 but for peemo.... i will go to the ends of the earth ⚔

Why I like them/why I don’t: HE'S...MY... COMFORT CHARACTER!! *TELEKINESIS THROWING EVERYTHING AROUND THE ROOM* primo is just... really the kind of character that makes me insane thinking about him. what if you were a robotic clone of an old man's young adult trauma and you were also an archangel from the future but God didn't really like you very much and you also constantly beef with your coworkers, one of which is a child, and theyre both also you. what if you wanted to fulfill your purpose and die so so so bad. what if you had a KICKASS SWORD. WHAT IF YOU WERE A KNIGHT BUT ALSO A MOTORCYCLE. WHAT IF YOU SOUNDED LIKE SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG. EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM IS BONKERS. IT'S GREAT. HE'S RIDICULOUS.

What I like about their appearance: like. it's a very cool design. and it also sucks ass. his hair is so fucking stupid. his heeled boots have turned so many people's brains into complete mush. slash neg. he is literally italian flag colored. i love his freaky robot ass. i think my favorite feature of his is the aforementioned awful haircut and also his edgy red eyes. <3 computer bring up the image again

Do I prefer their dub names or original names?: im more 'can go either way' with lesterlucciano and jakobjose but Primo is Primo Forever to me. placido is Fine but i do think for once the dub gave the character an even more fitting name. though god knows at this point i barely call him by his name and instead a bunch of goofy nicknames like he's my pet. peemo. peem. pipi.

OTP: well my silly goose ass fucked around and got attached to a nicheship (yuseiprimo) (highsidershipping) (you know it's dire when You Named the Ship.) so here i am. i just like them a lot. accidentally got a crush on my maddening human rival and now i must swing a sword around about it. theres so much AU slow burn in my brain about them

NOTP: if you ship him with lester im coming out of your closest to attack you like we're in goddamn monsters inc.

OT3: yusei/primo/antinomy goes pretty hard, i can appreciate it. yusei and two guys who cant stand each other but have found themselves potentially unwaveringly loyal to him. it's a bit of the yuma/shark/vector type deal.

Favourite card they use: OF COURSE IT'S EMPEROR WISEL but especially after it absorbs Stardust DRagon and has the freak ghost dragon sword arm thing going on.... it's so cool that they made a Wisel card that's inspired by that i love when the card game does that.

Favourite moment they were in: A.) when he got cut in half. because holy shit. but more importantly B.) when he's gloating about his stupid robot army in that warehouse and Jakob calls him to yell at him about going against the plan and Primo is just looking away from Jakob's monitor like a dog that just got busted digging through the trash. this may be one of the funniest ygo screencaps im not kidding

Least favourite moment: all of that STUPID SHIT with team catastrophe and the stupid hook card that makes you crash your bike and all the scheming he did that ended up deleting akiza's powers. MISOGYNY. AND ALSO JUST KIND OF DUMB.

Something I associate with them: so much. cinderblocks. insane angel imagery. grey pitbull. wolves. wild boar. ceruledge. iron valiant. Cry For Judas. this genre of post.

[lyallblacklupin]

@ekaterina-popova​ : hey! I found out that lupi means wolves and I instantly thought about Italian Remus. Can you write: Sirius flirts with Remus in French and then Remus answers him in Italian but sirius didn't know that he knows Italian so he melts

Sorry for writing it quite late but here you go! <3 Hope you like it!

Remus enters into their apartment—His and Sirius’ apartment.

“Honey, I’m home!” He calls out, and throws his key into a bowl he calls ‘something fancy china Lily bought.’

“You know it’s getting really cliché now,” Sirius appears in the corridor and Remus feels like he can’t breathe anymore because his boyfriend is wearing a red gypsy skirt with yellow frills on it, “so can you start saying something else? Like ‘Je suis chez moi, mon chérie.’ Or ‘votre bébé est à la maison.’ Huh?”

But Remus is spluttering, growing red in the face. He can tell that Sirius is speaking French on purpose, and it is a lot to handle. The most terrible has happened because Sirius has figured out why his boyfriend is at loss of words.

“Oh, you’re blushing so hard! Merlin you are in love with this skirt, aren’t you? My Remus Lupin has skirt kinks!”

“Shut up! It’s just because you are half naked, and you know how I get when I see you shirtless.” To display his nonchalance, he walks past his boyfriend and loosens the tie of his collar.

“Yeah, I remember fifth year when I came close to you while being shirtless, and you practically cried in front of me because your ears felt hot!” He doubles with laughter, his damp hair sprayed the faint droplets of water on Remus, and it is getting really hard for him to sit straight on the couch. The real question is: Why is he keeping himself from kissing his boyfriend senseless? Because Full moon is in two days, and he has to restrain himself from wrecking him. He can’t lose control even after how much Sirius has insisted that he can deal with it but Remus highly doubts it.

“Sirius, I’m trying to be sane here. But clearly, you are not helping.” Remus clenches his teeth under his mouth, and keeps his hands under his pockets.

“So you do like this skirt, don’t you?” He is grinning his Sirius Black grin with his dripping wet hair sticking to the space where his shoulders meets his neck. He is dazzling, the sexiest human ever to exist in Remus’ life. Remus stares in awe as his eyes travels from his sharp jawline to the muscles stretching from the base of his collarbone as he tilts his head a little backwards. Remus can’t tell if he is doing this also on purpose because his brain is fuzzy. He feels like he is drunk, and he is. He is drunk on Sirius Black. Then his eyes descends to his tattooed chest, and before they descend any lower than his naval area. He jerks himself out from the haze.

“Fuck,” he murmurs, “Sirius, just don’t talk. I-I can’t deal with you right now. You are too much today.”

“You know if someone else would have been in my place, they’d be offended but I swear to Merlin and Morgana, I’m so on fire right now, Moony.”

“Padfoot!” He glares at him but receives a bark of his favorite laughter, and he tries not to slip from his grip, “Okay, where did you get the skirt, anyway?”

“Lily! She said it was quite over-fitted for her.”

“Sirius, it’s a loose skirt with frills on it.” But Sirius makes a noise of disapproval from the back of his throat.

“Yes! And Lily is very pregnant, and please It’s called a gypsy skirt, lover boy.” Sirius comes close, and wiggles his hips in most obscene way that Remus hisses and then bits the inside of his cheek. He can tell that he has started to look at Sirius like he is the most delicious meal walking around him. He catches the whiff of the cologne he bought him for his seventeen birthday. And Remus thinks he is going to die with the heat between them.

“And!” Sirius is now barely at a distance from him. Those mere inches were close enough for Remus to feel the puffs of Sirius’ breaths on his bottom lip as he continues, “Would you still not want me if I come in a pencil skirt in front you?” Those arousing whispers set Remus’ body on fire because damn it! He isn’t a fashion designer but he knows fucking pencil skirts.

“Sirius! Please…” He cries, slipping away from the dangerous territory of Sirius’ charm which happens to be inversely proportional to Remus’ self-control. “It’s two days in full! And I’m driving crazy here! You are driving me crazy here because all I want is to eat you like you are my dinner for tonight.”

“Moony, by all means, I’d be lovely for your cannibalistic appetite.” Sirius makes a show of opening his arms to him, “Have me, darling. I’m all yours.”

“Urgh! I can’t! Just go—I can’t lose control—I just can’t!”

“But Moony—“

“No means no. Vai nella tua stanza! I want to fucking breathe.” He doesn’t realize what he has said even after it has been apparent for solid fifteen seconds that Sirius hasn’t left the living room as he is told. Remus looks up from the book he has suddenly started reading. Of course, he is pretending to read. How can he read when he feels like the argument isn’t finished yet. Remus looks up and freezes because Sirius is wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

“Did-did-you just…Did you just speak…?” Remus holds back a laugh because the surging confidence and sexiness that usually radiates from the Great Sirius Black seems to have dissipated into thin air. And then Remus is able to put a finger on it.  

“Italian?” He cocks an eyebrow, feeling dominant all of a sudden as he stands up to walk towards Sirius, “Stai arrossendo troppo!”

“I thought you speak Welsh!” Sirius splutters, his cheeks glowing red as if someone he has grown microscopic extra bunch of red roses beneath his snowy skin. Remus was at a brink of lunging at his boyfriend to take him in a fierce kiss. He was almost going to devour him the rest of his night. The ideas are surging into his mind, and so is his blood in his veins erratically. The wolf is going to wake up.

“Dwi hefyd yn siarad Cymraeg, Sirius darling..” Remus replies as he bows his head dramatically, “But! amo l'italiano…è sexy, che ne pensi? Huh, love?” It is fun to watch Sirius flustering beyond pink color. The sight suddenly hits Remus with Hogwarts nostalgia as he recalls the era of his and Sirius’ mutual pining over each other, and a memory plays in head.

“Sirius, do you want—you know—like if you want to, ever—not necessarily this time—but do you fancy going to Hogsmeade with me, like alone?” Remus asked, and tried to ignore the cold sweats under his arms and lower back.

“Huh? Really? I mean—I-I…like I mean…uh—“ Sirius kept chuckling like he was either short of breath or coughing because of the cold in the courtyard.

“Oh my god, are you blushing?” And he was, and then did a little too much more.

“Uh—Beetroot juice, that’s all.” And with that he scurried away with the sea of the fourth-year students.

Remus really gazes at Sirius with a solemn look. A feeling of warmth and innocence surrounds him because Sirius’ thick eye brows are knitted together and a look of plea swimming his silver eyes, while the cheeks were still flushed pink. He looks endearing than enticing.

“Ah, screw it.” With that, Remus crashes his mouth against Sirius’ which immediately response with a moan. The kiss is soft and passionate at the same time but as they both deepens it, Remus thinks he is able to set the whole world on fire. He tries not to lose himself completely but the scent of Sirius doesn’t elevate his restraining power. In fact, does things otherwise.

“Oh mio, I love you!” Remus gasps when Sirius’ mouth travel to his neck.

“Fuck! Say that in Italian, you git!” Sirius protests and pins his boyfriend by his wrists above his head. And Remus quirks an eyebrow on the boldness.

“Oh, te ne pentirai, amore mio,” In a swift motion, he twists in hands to clutch Sirius’ wrist, and pushes him on the couch. The view is very much appealing. The red skirt loosely tugging on Sirius’ waist, his half-dried hair coming into his eyes, parted lips, lustful eyes, thoroughly flabbergasted. Remus smiles deviously, “Don’t forget that I’m the one with real animalistic instincts, not you, lover boy.”

[elizabethsharmon]

reblog if you feel disrespected by skam france and demand official apology

below a full list of all the offenses:

Manon going back to Ch*rbage after he emotionally manipulated her to not testify against his brother (who got her drunk, took nudes of her, and kept blackmailing her) because “after all nothing happened = he didn’t r*pe her”

Making Arthur and Alexia a couple in the first place just so he could cheat on her with Noee and lie to her for weeks and then having her break up with him, only for them to suddenly being good friends in s6 and kissing in the last clip (which ngl almost made me throw up)

Bringing up Lucas’ insecurities and abandonment issues but never letting him talk about them with Eliott; posting some damage control posts on instagram instead and pretending like Lucas is fine with Eliott kissing Lola for the film (which he clearly wasn’t, the writers seem to not know him at all)

Wasting time to edit Tiff’s head onto different animals and posting things on that cyberbullying account that no one cared about instead of posting something from the grew + the worst social media ever

Not giving us a proper goodbye to the grew and not really saying anything about their future

Lying to the fans about god knows what we will see in s6 and baiting them to watch even though legit nothing of it happened

Not continuing Arthur’s story in s6 (fine, I don’t really care about that but we were supposed to see it so ???? )

Treating some fans more privileged than the others, giving them spoilers about the new seasons, inviting them on set

FranceTV Slash and SkamLaSerie instas mocking fans in their stories - saying stuff like Lola will cause the break up between Daphne and Basile, “addiction can be useful for flirting” (yikes), creating a ship war between fans in s5 by posting two photos of Alexia/Arthur and Noee/Arthur with a caption “we love them both, we can’t choose”, the host of the live of s6 calling people on tumblr “obsessed” and not apologizing when people said they’re offended by that, blocking people who were asking questions about why the SA was never mentioned again during the live

Liking all the praise but constantly ignoring fans when they were asking questions about writing choices and then blocking them

the rest of 50 offenses under cut cause turns out they really disrespected me more than I thought

feel free to add whatever you want if i forgot about something

None of the girls really apologizing to Imane at the end of season 4 after all they’ve put her through and after they took the side of the racist (who already had a history of drama with Emma) instead of their friend

Taking away Noee’s integrity and making her say “I love you” out loud (which was totally ooc cause an episode earlier she said LSF is her language and she doesn’t like her voice) after Arthur (who was leading her on for weeks) told her they can’t be together

Male gaze in s5 because even though the sign language is a body language, the way camera was lingering on her flat, bare stomach, a few times showing a close up on her boobs during the “song-dance” scene was male gaze

Lack of beautiful, slow-mo, piano music scenes for Alexia with Arthur staring at her awestruck because apparently she’s not worthy enough

Completely sidelining the deaf/hoh storyline in favour of cheating/love triangle plot

Reducing Camille to a translator and randomly making him Mika’s boyfriend because why the hell not

Completely forgetting about Mika and Lisa after s5 (did they ever find that roommate????)

Noee kissing Arthur right after he shared his traumatic story with her and overshadowing domestic abuse with cheating

Absolutely no follow-up about P*trick and domestic abuse after s5 

Having P*trick cheat on Arthur’s mom with Emma’s mom because they’re all one big family

Random crackfic farm episode that didn’t make absolutely ANY sense

Killing Fifi rip [*]

Arthur getting hit by The Car and being perfectly fine the next day

The Boy Squad becoming cheating apologists, Lucas giving Arthur the same advice he gave to Emma in s1 and Yann (who got hurt because of it back then) supporting it

Character regression, especially for Lucas, and the whole boy squad acting out of character

Continuously trying to make Lucas look like a bad guy because they knew we would forgive him everything

Arthur suddenly liking art even though it hasn’t been ever mentioned before and his whole instagram was filled with space related posts

Parallels between Eliott/Lucas and Arthur/Noee

Catherine - or lack of her - aka the queerbait from s3

Completely ignoring character’s birthdays - Basile and Manon (second year in a row)

Not introducing Lola before and making s6 about a complete stranger but still expecting the fans to like her from the get-go and watch the show by baiting the fans with the promise of “unofficial mains” (Daphne and Eliott)

Forcing the Lola/Eliott friendship and selling it in the promo as sister/brother relationship instead of writing it in a way that would make it flow naturally

Making Eliott Otteli Urbex King only to forget the plot after more or less three clips; also having Eliott hide the truth from Lucas for months and then pretending to resolve it in a text to Lola ??? which didn’t make sense in the first place but then it turned out that it was just damage control

Making Lola hook up with much older guys than her over and over again and having one of them s*xually assault just so Eliott could play the hero and save her; never bringing that up again

Making Eliott punch people left and right - anything to protect the ladies, Sofiane punching Ch*rbage in s4 can agree I guess

Making Eliott Otteli Urbex King only to forget the plot after more or less three clips; also having Eliott hide the truth from Lucas for months and then pretending to resolve it in a text to Lola ??? which didn’t make sense in the first place but then it turned out that it was just damage control

Letting Eliott talk about his past and insecurities only so Lola could prey on them later and emotionally manipulate him into drinking

Also Eliott not letting Lola apologize and brushing off her apologies because apparently that was nothing at all and it’s okay to let people walk you over and manipulate you 

Not letting Lucas speak for himself

The whole Lux & Obscurus plot, having Eliott write the film about his and Lucas’ relationship and what his love means to Eliott only to have Lola play in it, not adjusting the script so that it would fit the change and still keeping the Eliott/Lola kiss as a big fuck you to the fandom instead of having it end with a forehead touch and fade to black especially that they haven’t even showed it to us again during the screening of Eliott’s film (but it made all the other couples turned on enough to kiss in that exact moment so maybe it had a purpose) (it didn’t what the fuck was that)

Also acting like Lucas can’t spare a few hours to film it with Eliott cause he has to sTuDy FoR tHe BaC when they were filming it in the middle of a night on Friday, how is that realistic

Not giving Eliott any friends of his own and pretending like he’s a lone wolf even though he’s the biggest sunshine ever and he’s naturally drawn to people; acting like there are no other studens at his film school who could help him film his project so instead he let Lola find random people who knew nothing about filming to help him; having a bunch of random people at the screening of his film and if they were supposed to be his “friends” from the film school then I’m gonna throw hands

Acting like we will see what “minute by minute” really means and “see Eliott like we’ve never seen him before” which never happened

Switching POV for two clips only and they all revolved around Lola because they decided to go with su*cide attempt in episode 9

Also ending that episode with a su*cide note even though the next clip was before midnight on Friday

Giving Lola the worst therapist ever and a really poor attempt at cheering her up from the nurse

Enforcing that “having a loved one” is “the real reason to change” instead of sending the message that you should change for yourself first and foremost and showing that reaching out for professional help is a good thing and can really help you

Acting like ED can be cured by italian cuisine and not mentioning it again for weeks; having Daphne ask Lola not to go to rehab because they have each other and a few clips after that she’s suddenly after her first therapy (love that for her but there’s something huge missing here)

Making Lola’s life a living hell and a misery porn for 10 weeks straight

Making P*trick, Thierry and Lola’s biological dads The Worst (men are trash but it would be nice to see some good parenting on the show)

Giving all the members of La Mif two or three personality traits and not fleshing out their characters

Giving Maya a girlfriend because a season without a love triangle is a waste

Not really developing Mayla well and having their first kiss right after Eliott/Lola cursed kiss as a preemptive damage control to shut us up

Never mentioning why Lola was doing

Wasting a good chunk of the season on Tiff and that insta account and ending it with “she’s addicted to social media”

Giving Yann like one line each season after s3

Reducing Sofiane to the background dancer in s5 and s6

Hating female characters

F/M friendships are only possible if the guy is gay, otherwise cheating always had to be involved

and you know. in general. pretty much everything they did after s3.

[prettywarriors]

Fate The Winx Commentary

Good morning internet! Today is the drop of Winx: Riverdale edition! I sure hope you're ready for my aggressive and unnecessary commentary, because it is coming for you either way!

The netflix landing page lets us know:

Fate The Winx Saga

6 episodes, 48-53 minutes each

"Genres: Fantasy TV Shows, Teen TV Shows, Italian TV Shows"

"This show is: Emotional"

As mentioned elsewhere, my Winx knowledge is limited, so I will be coming into this fairly fresh and will try to be unbiased. As I have seen trailers, the keyword here is Try.

Episode 1

'To the Waters and the Wild'

CW: Animal Death, Swears, Implied Child Death, Blood, Implied Teen Sex, Burns, Weed, Fatphobia, Whatever the term pussie falls under

Episode 1 TL;DR: We meet everyone, learn their dynamics, have the basics of the magic system beat into us, meet our monsters, and name drop Harry Potter. Standard first episode stuff.

I do want it on record before we start that I got about halfway into the first season of Riverdale, and the first season of Netflix Sabrina. They were, well, bland and boring imo? I did get through a few seasons of Teen Wolf, but that's because it was capable of Fun and Jokes. My current expectations are a few unintentionally funny lines, maybe some almost decent magic effects, and because it's 2021, one whole gay character (I did hear one of the boys (there are boys?) is bi, but also an asshole so I'm hoping for some wlw)

TV-MA LANGUAGE AND SMOKING OH FUCKING BOY Almost full moon (waxing) in opening shot- I Will be tracking moon inconsistencies if it keeps showing up that is a pet peeve but hey look a bunch of sheep That's a good start (it's ominous though. don't hurt the sheep) Swears count: Feckin' 2 Mystical portal barrier. Oh yeah s5 of the magicians is on netflix now WELP THOSE ARE SHEEP GUTS RIGHT OUT THE GATE HUH For CW it's up a tree, and the dripping blood is a good warning of what's about to be seen :( oh and then the man who was looking for the sheep dies offscreen save for a spray of blood. THIS ISN'T YOUR CHILD'S WINX CLUB it seems to say. I assume. How much blood was in the original winx because this is already at least a full cup. (Also the monster noises for whatever was chasing the man (werewolf it was a werewolf trailers are bad guys) were not very good)

Opening credit scene is 5-6 different blooming elemental wings. They're pretty, but it's unclear if the last one is secret 6th member wings (because the second to last ones are fire which is the main character's element right?) so maybe we'll get a late 6th addition? (I am in I.T. please give me the most relatable character you cowards)

KIDS IN THE CORNER BY AMBER VAN DAY PLAYING I like where they shot this but that might just be european woods pretty. The opening location was nice and mossy save for the sheep blood Fancy big stone school establishing shots (it's nice, and huge) and we land on a red head who seems less than pleased to be here Courtyard shot of... whatever the name of the replacment plant girl is, holding a tray of various potted plants for an older man (father? first day of school send off maybe?) Aisha(?) walks by, not talking to anyone, Stella(?) is taking Magical!Selfies with at least 3 other girls, Musa(?) has a suitcase and headphones and smiles at a passing girl Oh boy a boy with a pocketknife doing little tricks with it! Nothing says edgy like an actual knife edge. Gonna take this moment to point out I have some level of face blindness and while the girls all look fairly different from one another, if there is more than one tall blonde white boy as I fear there may be, I WILL NOT be able to tell them apart. Not through maliciousness, just general incompetence, so anything I say about the boy characters (I want to say they're the knights to the girl's faeries? is that right? this whole thing smacks of gender) should be taken with a heap of salt I've come to accept tv just. displaying text messages on screen as a storytelling method. It's never my favorite but it just Is a modern story element. Also Bloom needs to meet stella at the alfea gates Alfea I presume is the school- does the name mean something? It sure feels like the word elf and therefore fae but I don't feel like googling anything this early in Oh look two more blondish tall white boys. Pocketknife was wearing something else i think, one guy has a brown jacket and pink shirt (bad combo), the other looks old even by tv highschool/college standards and his jacket has a jock vibe. Jock jacket also has an earring? Is this the bi character who is an asshole? From this one second of him, only in profile, I will assume yes, he is an asshole I like Bloom's backpack Pink shirt looks at Bloom from across the quad. I am already tired of this romance Cool he walks up to someone he has identified as lost, and is 'impressed with [her] confidence in the face of complete ignorance' COMING OUT OF THE GATE WITH A NEGG HUH PINKY He even states he wasn't offering help Then Why Are You Talking To Her Jackass Subs are going with the fairy spelling, and Bloom confirms she is a fairy and we confirm this is College. Unless this is a european thing where they call schools different things. I think that's just for public and private? And maybe just england? I'm American all they teach us is 1492-ww1 over and over for like. 10 years sorry Rest of the World 'What Realm are you from?' 'California' Speaking of ameri-centric, I'm gonna Guess that original Winx, the italian cartoon, didn't have their main character be from cali usa? I am presuming this is a side effect of making this property for a more global distribution than I'm guessing winx was originally conceived as back in the early 00s The Otherworld. I assume this is the fairy realm and whatnot? And the magic school. Seems to be located behind a magical barrier in the earth realm?? If that's right it seems weird if basically everyone who goes to the school is from the otherworld Pinky doubles down on his rudeness but in a Fun and Cute way because :/ and the Specialist hall is Very Pretty, oh and there's a fairy hall. Are specialists the boy...things? magi knights? bros of the blade? guys who wear those 'here come a special boy' sneakers from that one comic? Stella sees this conversation which is great because they drop the term mansplain. why would otherworlders know that term even??? Edgey(?) sees Pinky and they hug it out Stella knows Americans are the type to wander off so I guess there's a lot of inter-world connections?

Miss Dowling- is this teacher going to be like the pedo in riverdale who got *checks notes* killed off by one of multiple serial killers later on? Dowling is the headmistress, gotta keep the otherworld a secret from earthers, time and place for portal making. all standard fantasy stuff so far, nothing to make this stand out Stella has a gateway ring, and frankly isn't too nice? all the backgrounders clothing is Bland and very normal 7 realms of the otherworld, Solaria is where Alfea is, i like magic globe Incase you forgot this was a modern tale, people update their insta stories here. 'I was kindof bummed I didn't see a single pair of wings' YOU AND ME BOTH BLOOM 'We had wings in the past, transformation was lost, tinkerbell was an air fairy' This is either a cop out for your glittery cowardice, or a set up for the main girls re-finding transformation magic later. I did like the Tink bit Bloom is a fire fairy and the subtext of this conversation is that bloom's magic did Something bad. I hope it was burn down her old school's gym a la buffy movie I like miss Dowling but in the I wouldn't Be Surprised if you turned out to be Evil way, and I guess Alfea is a very privileged upper crust school. What types of college do normal fairies go to then huh? damn privileged fairies 'our students have gone on to do amazing things like re-discover long lost magics' We Get It. You will give me Wings, but Only If I'm Patient Dowling throws a jab at Bloom about power control, but I like her necklace so It's Fine

Bloom video calls her parents while unpacking in the dorm, which may have come pre-fit with a heck ton of board games? Love it. Or new plant girl brought them along with her many plants Stella has a fancy mirror and lots of jewelry and fashion photos and makeup, Musa has a laptop and apparently not much else, gotta get those establishing personalities down I guess 'Ladies of the Flies honey don't be sexist' Bloom's dad for feminist of the year (these jokes are bad but i guess we can call it a dad joke as justification) Asiha gives Bloom a look and saves her from the call with her parents- yay friendship step one achieved Blooms parents think she's in the alps because magic secrets and what not Aisha asks bloom if she's never read harry potter and I guess Bloom is a potterhead (that's the term right?). Is this self awareness that all magical school fantasy series have the same basic bricks?  Bloom is a ravenclaw sometimes slytherin, Aisha is a Gryffindor Stella is changing because she's the fashion one and has a fun pastel rainbow skirt, and uses magic to make a real aggressive lamp. She's also a mentor (maybe older than the others by a bit?) I am assuming Stella here is something along the lines of a diplomats daughter the way she talks about appearances. She better get down and dirty later on to show her growth about how some things are more important than looks yada yada Fairy magic powered by strong emotions, i am waiting for bloom's backstory to be movie x-men rogue style tragedy Terra! Which. Of course is the Plant Fairy's name. Stella is a little mean to her about the plants and she takes it with a smile and some subtle snark back using classic literature Oh that's fun Terra points out the name-plant thing, and name drops her cousin Flora. That's. The one they replaced with Terra right? Terra's dad works in the greenhouse at the school which explains earlier (and her mum is named rose) Stella is indeed a second year and Musa's eyes change for. Lie detecting magic? and loves her headphones (Overstimulation?) Aisha wants somewhere to swim and we cut to a 'pond' by specialist training. Assuming she wants to sim because she's a water fairy, why Don't they have a pool? also this pond looks. Unpleasant for swimming

Girl specialist! Does that mean we have boy fairies? Boys. Fighting. Talking about girls. All gingers are nuts. Thanks edgelord AMAZING SHAGS THOUGH 'I didn't realize your hand was a red-head' it's not truly edge if we don't talk about sex every 10 minutes Subtitles earlier only said boy 1 boy 2 but now pinky or edgy is Riv Edgy smokes weed, and pinky is a big brother figure to him, and the head? of the special boys doesn't like edgy. Me neither older guy Bit of swordplay, more girls, every specialist has black training outfits, very military Pinky is Sky who is son of Guy of Place. an important lad. without context this is meaningless to me There's a giggly boy who laughs at the idea of a war in the future and gets a talking to. I suspect this boy will be re-occurring enough to die- he has those tertiary character elements with his intro and such (and he's black so I am prepared for your standard racist murder choices) Burned Ones exist outside the barrier, which makes me wonder if dead shepard was in the otherworld? There was nothing establishing that he was in any type of Other place but :/ Oh look edgey is having a smoke cross the barrier while we learn about the creatures that live beyond it. Time to find out these creatures no one young has ever seen are still kicking Specialist leader had to kill his own pa after a burned one got him. They also. Used a shotgun when trying to fight it. Do specialists even have powers or are they just good with weapons? Edgey finds the shepards corpse. Mostly blood 'it's been 16 years since the last sighting' 'Rosalind killed all the burned ones' ahh magical creature genocide hey when is abarat 4 coming out. and is rosalind hot?

School, gossip, Aisha and Musa are snarking at Tera for thinking the guy died of natural causes because we need to have these characters not actually like each other to make it stand out when they do Aisha talks about how she eats a lot and if she didn't swim she'd be massive and we cut to the plus sized tera looking uncomfortable are we really doing this? Tera points out that Musa was ignoring her earlier and it's all just uncomfortable and not great character conflict (but I thought I saw Musa holding an honest to god ipod? it's blue but it could be a phone case. Her hand is in the way) tera and dad interaction is nice, i'm also convinced they couldn't afford more than 3 magic adults

Girl with braids and metal in her hair! There were witches in winx right? Like 3 minor antagonist girls? I assume this is one of them. Because she has alternative fashion and is therefore evil /s Beatrix. Names in this series leave something to be desired (that something is subtly. I get it, they're carry overs from a series for a younger audience, she-ra had the same issue, but i can still poke fun) Swear count: Arsehole 2 Bollocks 1 Shit 1 She's a weird ass kissing with clearly ulterior motives

Bloom is Studying and her notebook is just FAIRY MAGIC POWER = EMOTIONS LOVE FEAR? HARTED? FIRE FAIRY CONTROL? in case you weren't paying attention Oh a flashback already to the magic triggering event? Her mother had pointed out she's an introvert, and past!Bloom doesn't Party. She goes Antiquing and is a Weird Loner (her 'basic bitch' of a mom's words) Swear count: Bitch 1 Bad daughter count: 1 Bad mother count: 1 Magic glowy eyes for Bloom: 1

Bloom Hates Parties and asks Pinky I mean Sky where she can be Away from People and he fears he'll be Mansplaing to her to. vague that it's dangerous outside instead of saying 'hey there's monsters and someone was just killed by possible one of them stay in the barrier' Stella wants to talk to Sky because they have History. I did hear there was a love triangle between these three. I am bored and everyone at this party is a nosey bitch who is watching their tense conversation. Also Something? Happens when Stella gets upset [mystical warbling] Random magic effects in the (very pretty) forest Bloom is trying to practice her magic on her own, and to do that she's gotta look at sad teen pics. And look, her burnt bedroom from her first power usage The fire magic is pretty good. I think fire is like. the opposite of water when it comes to cg where it almost always looks pretty good, while I swear i've seen the actual ocean look like a shitty render Magic out of control, bloom can't control her emotions, Aisha can stop her with water magic which makes some nice steam Bloom is angry at aisha for saving her. So far 3 of the 5 girls are abrasive at best remember when people made characters likeable? Swear count: Shit 1 (but it doubles as the literal meaning because of flooded toilets) Swear count: Bitch 1 Ass 1 Taking away your teen's door is. Really shitty. Not almost burn down your house worthy but damn cheerleader mom I do not understand sleep shirts with buttons. That seems painful if you lie the wrong way? Her mom was seriously burnt by first magic usage that's a backstory Shit count +1 Main character aspect time: dormant fairy blood line? awfully strong magic for that. baby who died day after it was born and now she's here? ...I was going to say changeling thanks aisha A Barbaric practice loving hints at long term world lore Hell is a bad word for kids!! Cutting to headmistress and her secret passage after finding out bloom is secret pureblood? this really is a harry potter thing

edgelord offers giggly some booze, and says pussies twice because he's Edgey and does peer pressure Tera calls him out and knows he's a sad nerd in disguise not a 'badass' and he says she's 'three people in disguise' because fatphobia shit +1 arehole +1 tera. chokes out edgelord with a vine because she's had enough of this shit. good for her edgelord is Riv, and he lived

OBLIGATORY GOOGLE SEARCH FOR THE TERM CHANGELING REMEMBER BELLA'S VAMPIRE GOOGLE GOD I LOVE TEEN FANTASY AND THEIR INSTANCE ON GOOGLING COMMON FANTASY TERMS OH hey the lamp bloom brought with her is the one she was fixing at home that's a nice touch Stella bonds with Bloom about homesickness, and the takes a selfie Musa is a mind fairy. So she. Is a telepath with purple eye magic? Oh there's types of 'connections' Memory, thought (others but i am cut off from the lore) Stella did Something to someone who Talked To Her Man last year and now lent Bloom her teleportation ring to send her some because miss mentor really cares more about her shitty man then helping the girls she's in charge of First World- earth Old Cemetery? Very Sexy. and bloom sweetie don't leave a mystical gateway open, and how will you explain to your parents how you're back so fast Wait she's only 16? SO this really is some european college where that's a funny way of saying High School Fire guilt, bad feelings about life shattering revelations, better connection with mother. I gotta say I have low expectations of this show carrying the family connection through the rest of this. That conversation felt more like a Hey We Made These Movements Onto Other Stuff Now

Lighting choices are interesting, with green, orange and purple for creepy warehouse. THE Creepy Warehouse where she would sleep without her parent's knowledge wow right that GIRL DROPS THE DAMN RING AT THE FIRST SIGN OF burned one looked more alien than werewolf-y here Decent Horror movie looks, and dude stole her ring. Rude. Saved by the headmistress, and tera/aisha/musa are here to great her Stella can't be here though because she has to greet a half naked freshly showered sky because life is suffering and producers insist people like to see teens half naked (who. Who?) shit +1 and she dumped him. pity part of one and using it to try to get your bone on. HEY A SONG I KNOW. IT'S WHATSITCALLED FROM THE BAYONETTA COMMERCIALS WAY BACK WHEN. in for the kill la roux. I do wish netflix would either commit to telling you what song was playing or didn't tell you at all

Riv offers Beatrix a hit from his joint because what Is a Bad Kid hasn't changed in like 70 years Blowing pot smoke into someone's mouth isn't as sexy as ya'll seem to think it is Musa has cute sleep socks with little pom poms, and I love Tera's floral jammies Tera offers a bluetooth speaker so they can listen to music together Musa also calls out Tera's fake happiness this is the good shit character interaction i live for Musa Empath Mind Fairy 'somber indie music'

If you kill a burned one in the human world Something? Extra bad happens? So the headmistress knows Bloom's a changeling, and ohhh that's the last time a burned one was spotted. Is Rosalind the famed Monster Slayer the birth mother of Bloom? Tera text flirts with Giggly who IS NAMED DANE and has a thing for. Sky? Riv? I told you these boys all look the same to me so if it's a half naked pic on fairy insta i'm out of context clues. Crymeariv is the insta name that answers that. Is this the slow burn enemies to lover mlm i can't finish this sentence i don't care riv is a dick Stella and Sky are in a bed and she doesn't seem to have a top on so Implied sexy times? MYSTERIOUS HOODED AND ROBED FIGURE CROSSES THROUGH THE BARRIAR AND SHOOTS THE BURNED ONE WITH LIGHTNING MAGIC OH IT'S beatrix

alt-J – Adeline as an ending song

[babymandalore]

Closest I’ve Come to Perfection

Snapshots from Richie and Eddie’s life together Post-It, as told by Eddie’s clothes. Extreme fluff and a little cheeky at times. 2.7k words. Ao3 link in bio.

The suit. The polo. The sweatpants. The shorts. Richie’s t-shirt. +1 more.

The Suit.

The suit comes first. The shoulders are dusted with drops of rain that haven’t yet absorbed, and the dark grey color matches the clouds outside. Eddie would never own an ill-fitted suit, but something about the way he stands on Richie’s doorstep looks like he's drowning in it, about to disappear completely into the fabric. Richie doesn’t have much time to take in the sad sight before Eddie launches at him, throwing his arms around his neck. Richie latches on too, burying his face in the soft curls at nape of Eddie’s neck and guiding them into the living room without letting go.

They sink into the couch tangled together. All the texts and calls and hopeful thoughts finally at peace where they hold onto each other. Richie hates the stiffness of the suit jacket, he doesn’t need another layer separating him from the man he loves. He moves his hands underneath it and feels the warmth radiating from Eddie through his thinner button-up.

“You’re really here, Eds,” Richie breathes in his scent and pulls tighter.

“Yeah, and I’m not going anywhere so you better get used to it.” Eddie quips.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this,” Richie sneaks his hand down to cheekily tap Eddie’s butt. Eddie jumps against him and smacks his arm as he pulls away.

“Maybe I shouldn’t live with you, Trashmouth,” Eddie says, but his cheeks flush and his eyes flutter in a way that tells Richie he loves it.

The room smells like rain and is glowing yellow, light from the amber lamp in the corner and the moonlight filtering through the watery window. Their arms secure around the other and their eyes only inches apart, it seems like their whole lives have led them here. Even the years they forgot about each other, the years they didn’t understand themselves, they were supposed to end up together the whole time.

They both lean in the small distance and meet in a soft kiss. Richie feels like he’s 15 again, like he could cry, like he never wants to stop. They both breath into the kiss and Eddie slips his hand up to cradle Richie’s face, thumbing over the rough stubble. It’s strange and enticing to kiss a man, noticing the hard lines of his face and the strength radiating off of him. Eddie feels stupid for never realizing this is what he really wanted, but then again, he wouldn’t have wanted it if it wasn’t with Richie.

Richie opens his mouth to deepen the kiss and all chill from the storm outside leaves Eddie’s body. He arches up into the taller man and hums in content.

Eddie has suits to hang and toiletries to arrange, but that can all wait.

The Polo

Richie knows that Eddie is a thousand times more put-together than he is. His hair is always in place, he moisturizes, he works out regularly. But he didn’t expect Eddie’s entire wardrobe to be comprised of polo shirts. The first weekend they spend together they go to a movie on Saturday- cue the baby blue polo. The farmer’s market on Sunday- a lovely coral polo. And when they arrive home to spend a whole afternoon lounging around together? The polos stay on.

“Are you comfortable?” asks Richie as they settle in to watch the latest episode of Dateline.

“Perfectly,” Eddie hums from his place tucked under Richie’s arm.

“No,” Richie shifts. “I mean, like your clothes dude. You really want to relax in khakis and a collared shirt?” Eddie swivels his head to give him a look.

“Fuck you, dude. Not all of us wear what could be considered pajamas all fucking day.”

“You love that I’m like a walking blanket, my little Eddiekins,” Richie coos and brings him closer. Eddie struggles to break free but eventually slumps against him.

“If you call me that again I’ll burn all your clothes,” Eddie says with no real bite. Richie smiles and shuts his mouth before pressing play.

The Sweatpants

Eddie hasn’t brought up his affinity towards a more formal wardrobe since their last conversation. He isn’t uncomfortable per se, but he knows it might stem from some unhealthy thoughts. Crisp clothes are clean, clean clothes mean you have your shit together, put-together people like their life.The longer he lives with Richie the more he notices that thinking is flawed. He had a life before, but he never liked it until now.

Richie is so free, open, and sometimes clueless in a way that Eddie finds intoxicating. He will talk to anyone and make them laugh, he’ll suddenly start a game of tag on their nightly walk, he will wear two different shoes to the grocery store and tell everyone about it.

Eddie loves him. They both know that, but Eddie isn't the best at expressing it at certain times. He doesn’t want to keep his walls up around Richie, physically or emotionally. As mad as it makes him to admit that Richie has a point, he agrees his wardrobe is a good, practical place to start opening up to the fullest.

Richie has been at a pitch meeting all day, which probably means it went well and he is bouncing script ideas off other writers. Eddie figures it is the perfect time to head to Target, grab a few new clothing items, and some ingredients for dinner.

---

A soft 80's ballad is drifting through the house when Richie opens the door. He’s high off creative energy and excited to tell Eddie about all of their ideas. The house smells vaguely Italian and his shoulders loosen at the warm atmosphere. Richie can't get over how lucky he is to share his life with someone, and that someone is actually Eddie.

He shuffles to the kitchen and stops dead in his tracks. Eddie is stood by the stove in a haze of steam as he stirs their dinner, which is not an uncommon sight. However, tonight is different because he is clothed in baggy sweatpants that grip his small waist and bunch around his ankles, paired only with a soft grey t-shirt. He looks like the physical embodiment of cuddling and Richie wants to sob.

He closes the space between them and wraps Eddie up from behind.

Eddie giggles, swaying slightly to the music in his arms, “Hi, hope you’re hungry I’m making chicken piccata with pasta.”

Richie responds by pulling the neck of his t-shirt to the side and kissing his neck and collar bone, nipping lightly. “I’m starving,” He says, voice low.

Eddie spins slowly in his grip and walks him away from the stove, back pressed into the island counter.

“If you wait just five minutes the food will be ready,” Eddie says casually, but his eyes tease something else.

“You look like you had a relaxing day,” Richie brings his thumbs up to rub at the fleece-like material.

“You like?” Eddie says twisting his hips around to give more of a view. “I thought I’d take your advice and get something less businessman-casual.”

“My Eds, taking my advice?” Richie acts shocked, “I have to text everyone! It’ll say: you’ll never guess who figured out what comfortable clothes are. Now I have this hot guy walking around in grey sweats and I can see the outline of his perfect di-“

“Hey!” Eddie swats his arm. “Sweatpants aren’t sexual, dumbass. You better not be texting them about my dick.”

“Don’t worry, I only tell Bev about that stuff…but she does probably tell Ben, and then he probably tells everyone else.” Richie gives a bright, apologetic smile and shrug. Eddie just stares at him exasperated.

“Fine, I won’t make them sexual, but I will need you on the couch and ready to cuddle for the rest of the night as soon as we finish eating.”

“Fine,” Eddie pecks his lips and turns around to dish up the food.

The Shorts

They’ve fallen into a wonderfully domestic routine. On weekdays they wake up, Eddie heads out for his morning run while Richie makes breakfast, then they both head off to work with a parting kiss. More times than not, Eddie will get home first in the evening and cook dinner.

Then on weekends, they spend every second together typically in bed or out exploring. It isn’t all easy, two 40-year-old men suddenly living very different lives. One still overcoming neuroses and emotional hang-ups, and the other accepting who he is in the public eye. But they grow together and learn to lean on those close to you.

Richie’s favorite part of growing with Eddie is seeing him come out of his shell. He is no longer just polite to everyone, but welcoming, laid back and easy to laugh. Richie knows his own life is better off by miles with Eddie in it. He’s learned how to communicate what he wants without always be the ‘yes’ man, and that if you stretch in the mornings you don’t have chronic back pain.

So yes, it has been months of growth, and bliss, and learning about the other. Now it’s nearing summer and they will have to turn the air conditioning on soon to ward off the California heat.

Richie is busy chopping onions and peppers for their omelets, intermittently sipping on his coffee, as he waits for Eddie to get back from his run. It's Friday morning and he’d had a slow start, not even getting out of bed until he heard the door shut behind Eddie. It had been a long week for both of them, but Eddie never wavers in his dedication to running. Richie is constantly impressed as he can barely open his eyes that early in the morning.

He hears the door slam shut behind him signaling Eddie’s return. Heavy breathing and snippets of a song come sweeping in from the hallway. Richie knows Eddie is stretching and still listening to his workout playlist. He’d helped Eddie make it, ensuring he was missing the motivation that comes only from early 2000’s rap.

He walks out to let Eddie know breakfast is almost ready, but his feet freeze in the archway. Eddie is wearing shorts, like short-shorts.

His mind flies back to childhood memories and awakenings connected with the shorts. The secret touches and quick wit he'd use as a way to diminish certain thoughts. These ones are different, maroon with black pipping along the edges. It is also different because Eddies thighs are muscular, tight from running and dewy with sweat as Eddie bends to touch his toes. The defined line of muscle runs up and up until it meets the soft curve of his butt. Richie hasn’t seen this much upper thigh since- well, last night when they were naked- but framed by the small piece of clothing is tempting in an entirely different way. They are slightly paler than the rest of his legs and Richie wants to bite them.

“Hey,” Eddie straightens up and extracts an earbud, “breakfast ready?” He smiles.

“Y-yeah,” Richie breathes out. Eddie becoming more comfortable in his own skin may be the best thing that happened to him and the thing that kills him.

Richie’s T-shirt

Richie is ecstatic during the car ride back to their house. He’d been gone on a short tour around a few select locations on the east coast. They both figured two weeks would be nothing, filled with texts and phone sex, they would get through it just fine. That was wrong - it was rough. Richie had always hated empty hotel rooms, but now that he could compare it to sharing a bed with Eddie they were unbearable.

Eddie wasn’t much better off. He had their dog, Atari, to cuddle and accompany him on walks, but he sensed the dog missed Richie just as much as he did. He found himself walking around the house wearing nothing but Richie’s t-shirts. It started as a way to comfort himself, but quickly devolved into horny thoughts or ideas of how Richie would joke about the dumb slogan printed on the front.

That’s how he found himself on Saturday afternoon, sitting on the couch as he waits for Richie. The fan blowing stagnant air around the living room like it’s waiting for things to liven-up too. He’s in an old Pink Floyd band tee. It’s faded black with an inch hole showing through the neck line. It is long enough to cover him to mid-thigh and one side hangs lower since the broad shoulders sit loosely on him.

He hears keys jingle behind the door and immediately gets up to meet Richie. Richie doesn’t hesitate to throw his bag down by the door and smile wide as he opens his arms for Eddie. Eddie jumps into them, pressing kisses across his face, airport germs be damned.

“Next time I’ll come with you- it’s not like I don’t have the vacation days saved up.”

“Please do, baby. I missed you so mu- is that my shirt?” Richie pulls back slightly to look across Eddie’s chest.

“Yeah, it’s comfy and still kinda smelled like you- mmph!” Eddie's last thought muffled as Richie crashes their lips together. He puts his hands on the smaller man’s waist and pushes him backwards until he is crowded against the wall. Richie seems to tower over him, even taller with shoes on while Eddie is stood with bare legs and feet.

Both of Richie’s hands spread across the sides of Eddie’s thighs and slide upwards, bringing the shirt with them. Each inch just reveals more skin and Richie feels his eyes go dark.

“You’re not wearing anything underneath this?” He asks, his voice going soft and dry.

“No, I’m not,” Eddie breaths, innocent eyes locking with Richie’s gaze.

Richie wastes no time and hoists him up. Eddie’s legs wrap around him tightly as they kiss, effortless and eager, on the short walk to their bedroom.

The (new) Suit

It is a deep navy blue, perfectly tailored. Eddie had run his hands over it a million times and loved the silky feeling under his calloused hands. Bev helped him pick it out, telling him blue would pair beautifully with his tan skin, and black would be better suited to Richie’s.

They are both adorned with matching baby pink boutonnieres. Richie’s tie came off sometime between the ceremony and the toasts.

The dance floor is filled with family and friends making fools of themselves. Clumsy limbs are illuminated by fairy lights strung high above their heads and the disco ball spinning from the DJ stand. Richie keeps twirling Eddie unaware of how dizzy he feels. Eddie finally pushes Stan in to be the victim of the next spin, laughing at his unamused look.

His cheeks burn from smiling at everyone around him. He’d gotten the love of his life, after all this time and all the struggle, they’d found each other.

The music changes to a slower tune and he drifts back over to Richie, taking his hand and starting to sway to the gentle rhythm. Richie grips his suit jacket and rests his head against Eddie’s. It is more like a hug than a dance, but they can’t care less, wrapped around each other in their own world.

“Have I told you that you look really amazing tonight?” Richie whispers.

“Yeah, Rich, you told me that like six times already.” Eddie smiles.

“I just need everyone to know how hot my husband is,” Richie rubs his hand over the smooth material covering Eddie’s back, “lookin' like a Men’s Warehouse model in this suit.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Eddie exhales and pauses for a moment, “Do you remember the night I showed up in my old work suit, all wet from the rain?”

“Of course.” Richie perks up at the memory.  

“I-I was so scared and excited. I was terrified of loving you but us not being able to fit into each other’s lives. I couldn’t lose you again.”

Richie squeezes him tighter, “Well, you’re in luck because I’m pretty sure we just signed some legally binding documents that make it impossible to lose me.” His voice sounds teasing and close to breaking at the same time.

“I’m just trying to say that it wasn’t much more than a year ago, but I feel so different now. I'm so much happier and comfortable because of you," Eddie closes his eyes and lets his head fall on Richie's shoulder, "I love you so much, I’m going to love you forever.”

“I love you too, Eds. I love you with my whole heart.”

[freevoidman]

Okay I’m reading through Porg’s update so some of y’all can save your braincells and here are some great highlights (under a readmore bc i couldn’t help but tear into a few things she suggested):

Flat out ignoring that Vergil had changed by the end of the game as a result of V and Urizen’s separate experiences.

In trying to make V and Urizen their own character, she throws out the idea of Vergil being manipulated by the Qliphoth/Urizen (??? somehow??? even though the tree is implied to be non-sentient i believe???), with V being a Devil hunter looking through the remains of Mallet Island (which was completely blown up, turned to rubble, and then swallowed by the sea, so... that can’t happen), finding the cane which makes him youthful and not sick but... having the cane makes it so he can only kill demons through the cane??? for some reason??? And he needs the Qliphoth fruit to heal himself and free him from the curse???

How did she make V’s backstory even more confusing and complicated how the fuck did she do that

Almost immediately after bringing up the cane, she instead changes it to be one of the rings he’s wearing because she wants her “precious V” to use weapons other than the cane, which makes all the prior paragraphs about the cane’s curse and only using it pointless. She’s the one writing this fic, why can’t she edit her own work so it’s more cohesive?

Despite saying that V should be a Devil Hunter, she doesn’t explain why someone who is supposed to be killing demons would form a pact with at least three to fight demons. Her rewrite dismisses Visions of V, and she even states later that the manga is a waste of time as it won’t ever be translated into English (which 1) is not a limiting factor to reading it as many people have translated it already and 2) doesn’t dismiss it’s value at building up V’s character, who she supposedly likes the best).

Also, for someone who complains about DMC5 being a rehash of DMC3, she’s sure doing her best to change it to a rehash of DMC1 (Vergil being controlled by an outside force, bringing back Mallet Island, bringing back Mundus [the cane is supposed to be tied to Mundus]).

V apparently can’t be human because she wants to give him a devil trigger, despite having 3 familiars and his own strength. Okay I guess?

Also it’s really fucking sick how she describes V changing, because it’s apparently V fusing with Nightmare? Devil May Cry has never been one for body horror but she straight up says she was inspired by “The Thing (1982), The Fly (1986), Bloodborne, and Resident Evil 7″ for the transformation imagery and I wanted to nope the fuck out of there real quick.

Her segments of actual fiction writing and dialogue are really bad it’s almost like a parody Youtube skit.

She switches between prose and script writing randomly, it’s really odd. She does it primarily with Dante i’ve noticed? Here’s an example I wrote of what she does:

“Hey, don’t stress out about it will you?” Says John following a few steps behind VINCENT: Don’t get your panties in a twist

And that just happens... randomly? Like, there’s no indication why she’s doing that it just happens.

She straight up writes notes in her fic about the controls for character actions in-game what the hell--

She also shamelessly puts in a link to artwork that clearly isn’t her’s (and I highly doubt she got permission to post about) to try and show what V’s Devil Trigger would look like. I couldn’t find it because I don’t know how pixiv works, but that’s just a shitty move, especially with how she treats artists on tumblr when they draw art of Vergil.

EDIT: Porg has now straight up copy-pasted the art into her fic without the artist’s permission which is, we all know, fucking theft. While it is good artistry, is just a weird mashup of Vergil’s and Dante’s. It’s not all that unique and I don’t understand why she had to reference a bunch of body horror shit when all the Devil Triggers in game are essentially just a large flash of light and a seamless transition between forms??? It’s good art, I’m not trying to bash the artist, but... Porg, you could’ve been a little more original here rather than just ripping off another artist’s designs...

Everyone in her fic acts super casually to seeing Vergil alive in the Qliphoth and it’s like... honey, no.

Vergil acts WILDLY out of character holy fuck. Like, I know I should have expected that but this is NOT how Vergil would act in the slightest. She’s pretty much writing an OC.

Building off of this: EVERYONE acts OOC and... it’s not exactly cringey, but it is perfect proof that Porg doesn’t know what she’s doing and hasn’t properly analyzed the characters.

Dante acts weirdly... detached? There’s no sign of him acting like his normal goofball-y self, and he’s much more serious than normal. He actually acts more like cannon Vergil than himself, actually. (He also knows CPR apparently? Which... is a skill he would really never bother learning, so...)

Nero doesn’t act nearly as emotional, and acts calmly for some reason. You can’t feel any of his emotions behind his dialogue, only through the adverbs added to the tags)

V is too informative. He knows way too much about random shit that... no one should rightfully know. I’ll mention it more later, but... V doesn’t act like himself and I don’t really know how to explain it.

Vergil is essentially her OC. Seriously--he’s not as brooding or snarky, he’s far too open and apologetic, there’s practically no sense of rivalry between him and Dante. Weirdly, he acts more like canon V than fic!V does, despite the fact that Porg wants to establish V and Vergil and separate characters. His actions also make no sense when put alongside his canon personality. We aren’t reading anything about Vergil, we’re reading about Porg’s weirdly idealized version of him.

I’m going to make a break in the post here because I feel like this is the part that needs the most attention:

Porg goes OUT OF HER WAY to dedicate a GIANT portion of this chapter to her own OC: Nero’s mom. There are several long paragraphs of establishing the relationship between her OC and Vergil, talking about leaving Fortuna, how they were ‘happy’ and then saying that after a hurricane (inspired by hurricane hugo, you’ll see later) she got separated from Vergil, never reconnected with him, GAVE BIRTH, died from a demon attack with Nero staying near her corpse, and then Nero was found by humans and taken off the mainland to be taken to an orphanage on Fortuna. She wanted a massive amount of time to be taken out of the fun parts of playing Devil May Cry to establish a relationship that would never come back and essentially turn into a 15 minute soap opera inserted into a game about having fun killing demons.

Alright back to the noted highlights.

Porg confirms in her fic that the universe of Devil May Cry happens in the US, and that Fortuna is an island along the southeast coast and I want to fucking rip my eyeballs out at this point.

The ONLY REASON why she is doing this is because she lives in Florida. I know she does, and she just wants to imply that this is all happening near her home turf. How anyone who lives in Florida thinks an island like Fortuna can exist is beyond me though, because playing through 4, most of the buildings are inspired by Italian designs, and no one in the states would build an entire island with italian designs. I’ve been to Florida multiple times--there’s no buildings there even REMOTELY designed to match Fortuna.

EDIT: I have been informed that Porg actually lives in Pennsylvania, not Florida, which makes both more and less sense. Why Florida? Why not a hidden island up on the east coast? Why does this have to be taking place in the states at all Porg???

Yeah, let’s take Nero off the MAINLAND OF FLORIDA after a DEVASTATING HURRICANE and send him to an orphanage on an ISLAND which would’ve been hit the hardest by ANY hurricane. TOTAL SENSE. 

She tries to make her own timeline for the series using actual real world dates and events and it’s terrible (she references Hurricane Hugo in 1989, and confidently states that 3 took place in 1990, despite all evidence for the actual dates of events being fan theory established through circumstantial evidence).

There’s so much horror movie inspiration here--not cheap horror, but really twisted shit that... doesn’t fit with Devil May Cry’s tone at all? In the slightest? She references Jacob’s Ladder, plus all the other body horror media I wrote above.

Straight up just tears Vergil’s arm off which sure, I guess we gotta make THAT a parallel between Nero and Vergil. They can have a father son moment over being physically maimed.

In the scene immediately before this, Urizen picks up Vergil by the head and roots around Vergil’s memories (somehow???) to show him all the ‘bad moments’ in his life to traumatize him. She describes it as the audience getting flashes of him falling to hell, charging Mundus, being Nelo Angelo, etc. 

This causes Vergil to cry and beg for Urizen to stop. Then Urizen rips off his arm. So. Yeah. Another point for the OOC!Vergil/OC-taking-Vergil’s-place board.

Also this point ALONE made me realize that Porg does not know how much time, effort, and money needs to be put into making assets. Like, the entire fic she was stressing that everything be done in 5′s HD Graphics--including the ruins of Mallet Island, so I have to assume she’d want these little snippets in HD too, which would be a massive money hole creating these assets for one scene that lasts maybe ten seconds total.

I know I stated it in one of my earlier posts, but most of what she’s writing would fit better with a sequel for the reboot series, not DMC5. It would make her OOC writing of Vergil make sense, all the horror movie inspiration and body horror shit would fit better there, especially all the crappy dialogue too.

She somehow made Griffon even MORE annoying than in cannon.

BTW if I had to listen to poetry while fighting the final boss of a video game, I’d sooner turn my PS4 off. Not that poetry isn’t cool and all, but it cheapens the final fight and distracts you. It wouldn’t work.

EDIT: I realized this point made no sense without context, sorry. Porg made the Book of Urizen (the poetry book by William Blake referenced multiple times by V) either weirdly prophetic or made it out like Blake had inner knowledge of demon powers or... something along those lines, and V magically has the knowledge that reciting poetry from the book about Urizen will... harm him? Weaken him? Open a gate to hell (she mentions a portal appearing near him)? It’s very unclear, but she essentially rewrites Urizen as the final boss, and makes it three stages (V [Griffon recites some verses, which is what the first point was about], Vergil and Dante [this is where Vergil gets his arm ripped off btw], and then Nero) with all three of them reading poetry from the book to deal the “final blow” to Urizen. I’d much rather have Vergil be the final boss than have to go through a three-stage boss fight while every character I play as recites poetry to kill the boss.

She mentions Dante using Sin DT against Urizen but I’m pretty sure with her fuckery of the game’s events Dante can’t GET Sin DT? Because there’s no fight between Nero and Urizen where he’d intervene?

COMPLETELY IGNORES VERGIL’S DEVELOPMENT OF WANTING TO TRAVEL WITH HIS BROTHER THROUGH HELL TO ELIMINATE THE QLIPHOTH FUCK OFF.

Also she changed the lore of the Qliphoth so that it sprouts semi-naturally around every 500 or so years? So... shouldn’t leaving the Qliphoth roots be fine now? Since it’s natural?

Nico acts like growing back arms is totally normal

Wrote an INCREDIBLY shoe-horned in moment in the van with Dante filling Trish and Lady in about finding Vergil and everything that happened where, once again, Trish and Lady act almost completely nonplussed that Vergil is alive after 20+ years in hell, with about 9 of those ten years being trapped under Mundus’ control and corrupted by the Demon King

Seriously why is no one surprised in this fic that Vergil survived? Dante has a brief moment before finding him, but everyone finds out and accepts it like flipping a switch (once again--ESPECIALLY DANTE, which is NOT how the grieving process works)

Porg states that the ending is trash because the twins are fighting in hell, but completely ignores that most of Dante and Vergil’s lives have been built on conflict and they like fighting demons, especially Dante. Both of them were happy and doing what they love.

She also completely ignores through this entire thing that Dante was really fucking depressed in the novels leading up to 5 but hey I don’t even know if she can read.

I can vaguely agree that Trish and Lady were sidelined and they should’ve had a bigger role. However, I can’t fault the directors for not doing this, because they were already developing three playable characters with their own unique fighting styles. She writes all this shit about the story, writes notes about controls and mission layouts, but forgets that it takes a lot more than pressing a single button to code a game.

She just doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Seriously, none of these things are cohesive or edited properly, and despite her saying she wanted better for Vergil, or Nero, or Dante, or V, she writes all of them incredibly out of character and doing illogical actions. I just... I don’t get it.

The best part is--I can’t even tell her about these things, or give constructive criticism. She moderates the comments on her fic and isn’t afraid to delete anything she doesn’t agree with or can’t make a ‘passionate rant’ about.

[mst3kproject]

Hercules

Now that we’ve all seen Starcrash, I’m sure we can agree that there was only one question on our minds while we watched it – namely, what would happen if the same group of people got back together and made a Hercules movie?

Well, okay... it was probably more like “what drugs were these people on?” or “what terrible secret did Christopher Plummer have, and who found out about it and blackmailed him into this movie?” or even “who was wearing more eye makeup, Caroline Munro or David Hasslehoff?” but I don’t have answers to any of those questions.  I can, however, answer the Hercules one, because that's more or less exactly what we have here: Luigi Cozzi, Golan and Globus, and their insane design team made a Hercules movie, and it's a legitimate fucking masterpiece.  If not the Mona Lisa of terrible movies, this is at least the School of Athens. I found the DVD in the ninety-nine cent bin at Zellers back when Zellers was a thing, and it was the best dollar and six pennies I ever spent (pennies were a thing then, too).

The so-called plot is an absurd mess.  It's as if one movie starts, then another, then a third, and it's only by complete accident that most of the threads are sort-of-but-not-really tied up by the end.  After the most confusing history of the universe you will ever hear, the god Zeus creates Hercules to be a hero among men and sends him to be incarnated as the prince of Thebes.  Sadly Zeus' timing is not very good, for shortly thereafter the King and Queen of Thebes are overthrown and murdered by agents of the evil King Minos of Thera, and baby Hercules is saved only by his nanny putting him in a boat to drift downstream and be found and adopted by some childless peasants.  So surely this story will be about Hercules discovering his royal heritage and reclaiming the throne, right?

Nope! Our hero's origin story is more or less immediately forgotten.  He grows up on the farm, doing useful chores like uprooting stumps and pulling a triple plough, only to be tragically orphaned again. First a bear mauls his adoptive father, and then his mom is killed by a giant robotic fly created by Deadalus, goddess of science, at Minos' behest.  Okay, so this movie is going to be about Hercules searching for the killer of his adopted parents and taking revenge for that, right?

Still no!  Instead of setting out on a quest for vengeance, Hercules rather more practically goes looking for a job. This brings him to the court of King Augeas, who needs a new bodyguard for his beautiful, be-veiled daughter Cassiopeia. Herc gets himself hired but falls in love with the princess he's supposed to be protecting, whereupon Zeus for some reason strikes them with a lightning bolt.  Maybe this is because Cassiopeia is already supposed to marry somebody else, but I can't see that mattering to Zeus of all dieties.  The lightning incapacitates the lovers, so Minos and his daughter Adriana kidnap Cassiopeia in order to sacrifice her to the phoenix who lives in their volcano.  So the movie's gonna be about Hercules rescuing his true love and taking her home to marry her with her father’s blessing, right?

Well... sort of.  We never do see King Augeas again or meet Cassiopeia's original fiance, but after considerable sidetracking Hercules does manage to save her from the Phoenix.  In the process he also defeats Minos and Adriana, but I'm not sure whether he has any idea that Minos is the one who killed both sets of his parents.  It's apparently important that the Phoenix is now free from Minos and 'its fire can serve the universe', but this comes out of nowhere and I'm not sure what it means.  At the end, Hercules and Cassiopeia kiss and then ascend to the stars.  Over the course of the story, Hercules did a number of 'heroic' things like separating Europe from Africa, slaying some monsters, and retrieving Circe the Sorceress' amulet from hell, but there's no real sense of him having 'saved the world'.

The ending still kind of works, though, possibly because nothing else in the film makes any sense either.  Hercules has shown us a bunch of scenes that don't really fit together into a coherent narrative but kind of look like a movie, so as long as the ending kind of looks like an ending, it's a fitting close.

If you want humour, the major source of giggles in Hercules is the special effects.  These are a mix of poorly-chosen and poorly-executed, often both, and sometimes one and then the other in succession.  The only effects moment I can think of that looks all right is Hercules pushing Spain and Morocco apart – and it comes only seconds after the utterly ridiculous shot  of him growing to enormous size to accomplish the deed! Swordfights are accompanied by flashing lights and laser noises.  The miniature robots are atrocious.  Hercules beats up the bear that killed his adoptive father and then throws it into space, as represented by a shot of a completely stiff model bear in a crucifix position tumbling head over teakettle into a starfield. I've only got room for one screenshot here, though, so my vote for the worst effect in the entire movie is the moment when Zeus' hand reaches out of a waterfall to catch the boat with baby Hercules in it.  It looks like a plasticine octopus.  It's so awful, the first time I saw it I nearly pissed myself laughing.

The movie's attempt at mythology is not even worth mentioning.  Names appear out of a dozen different stories, many of them in places that have nothing to do with the characters they're supposed to belong to.  Cassiopeia, for example, was the mother of Andromeda in the legend of Perseus – she had nothing to do with Hercules. Daedalus was a male human inventor whom Minos imprisoned, not a hermaphrodite deity he worshipped.  Circe lived on one of the islands in The Odyssey, and never met Hercules – she doesn't even turn anybody into a pig in this movie.  The one thing Circe is known for in popular culture to this day is turning people into pigs!  Ducktales knew that, for crying out loud!  Why would you put Circe in your movie and not turn anybody into a pig?

There's exactly one place in the movie where it really got its mythology right, and weirdly enough it's something almost everybody gets wrong. The container given to Pandora was a pithos – a clay pot – rather than a box.  How did Hercules get that right while screwing up practically everything else?  The Italian Wikipedia article for 'Pandora's Box' is titled Vaso di Pandora, even though the illustration on the page shows a box, so it appears the correct translation is common knowledge there.  That explains it... and then, having done that right, the movie dives cheerfully back into its totally bullshit creation story about how the planets formed from the pieces of the broken jar!

Does any of this matter?  Well, no, not really.  The whole movie is so completely divorced from its source material that it's hard to even think of it as Greek mythology.  It's more a piece of particularly bizarre heroic fantasy with some mythologically-inspired names. Between the weird sound effects, colourful stars, robotic monsters, and jarring appearance of a literal rainbow bridge, it feels like what you might have got if the early eighties had tried to make a Thor movie.

Is Hercules trying to say anything?  Rather shockingly, I think it is. Throughout the film runs a theme of science as being something opposed to the gods.  Plenty of movies have tried to take a look at the complicated relationships between science, magic, and religion, but Hercules goes about it in a particularly strange way.  After all, this is a world in which the gods actually exist. How can Minos talk about science when he's standing on the moon talking to a divinity, and when his secret weapons are a fiery bird and a magical sword?

I think maybe what this is getting at is that science is how humans become gods, by learning to do things that only the gods ought to be able to do.  Either that, or once we have science and technology, humans no longer need gods, either for protection or as an explanation for what's going on around us.  If either of these is what was intended, it's pretty muddled... not least by the fact that in the final battle, science loses and the gods, via their champion Hercules, win!  What are we supposed to learn from this?  Should we put curiosity aside and go back to trusting in deities to make the world work?  Or does this dichotomy actually mean anything at all?  Maybe somebody just thought it sounded cool, and I'm seeing meaning where none exists.

The only place where I'm confident that somebody was making a point was with the figure of Daedalus, goddess of science – I'm  not sure 'goddess' is the right word here, but I don't know what else to call her.  Daedalus is played by trans actress Eva Robin's (that's how she spells it), and wears a costume with both a sweetheart neckline and a codpiece to emphasize her nontraditional gender.  The gods of Greek mythology were male and female, and susceptible to the passions of lust and jealousy that go with that – Daedalus, as personification of science, is not subject to such irrational emotions.  She is male and female, both and neither, in a single body.  I'm not sure what this says about Luigi Cozzi's views of trans people, but it does seem to be the only place where anybody thought about the theme very hard.

So yeah, Hercules seriously is all-around terrible in every possible way – and it's one of my favourite movies ever.  If I had to pick one movie to watch every day for the rest of my life, Hercules would be on the short list with real movies like Back to the Future, The Martian, and Lilo and Stitch. It misses out on being my favourite Hercules movie only because the Disney version had catchier music.  This is not only the Starcrash of Hercules movies, it's also the Space Mutiny, entertaining in its very incompetence, and I love it.  Wait'll you see the sequel!

[underabr0kensky]

In case anyone wants to know more about me

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed, I have so much shit in front of them I can’t open them.

2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Not usually because I use it all.

3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Tucked in. What the fuck do you think I am, a barbarian?

4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Nope, but the street sign for the street I grew up on got stolen constantly because “Roger” is a common name.

5: Do you like to use post-it notes? Nope. I think I’ve used them like once.

6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Nah, fuck coupons.

7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Bees. I’d probably survive that.

8: Do you have freckles? I do not.

9: Do you always smile for pictures? I never open-mouth smile.

10: What is your biggest pet peeve? I’m not sure, I have a lot. Probably one-word text responses. If you send me “K” I’ll burn down your house.

11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Nope.

12: Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes.

13: What about pooped in the woods? No, I’m not a filthy beast.

14: Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? Sometimes, yeah. I just bounce to a rhythm. Also I’ll have you know that I had to correct “theres” in this question. Get your shit together.

15: Do you chew your pens and pencils? Nope.

16: How many people have you slept with this week? That’s a big zero, you ass.

17: What size is your bed? Queen-sized, because I’m a queen.

18: What is your Song of the week? I don’t have one. Maybe something epic by Two Steps from Hell.

19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Yes, who gives a fuck what colors anyone wears? Some guys look damn good in pink. I am not one of them.

20: Do you still watch cartoons? Yep. Anime too! They are different go fuck yourself.

21: Whats your least favorite movie? Man of Steel. It’s legitimately the worst film I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? Under a DMV. Nobody would ever voluntarily go to a DMV or spend more time there than they absolutely have to.

23: Bra size or pants size? I actually don’t know my pant size. I think it’s changed recently because I’ve gotten bigger from working out and now none of my pants fit comfortably.

24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Nothing, I’m not a dipping sauce person.

25: What is your favorite food? Anything Italian. Probably lasagna.

26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love? School of Rock, A Christmas Carol (the George C. Scott version), 300, Casino, Goodfellas, all the Tremors films, the Harry Potter films, LoTR, the Hobbit films, I could keep going. I like movies.

27: Last person you kissed/kissed you? Destinee, that was back in like October. My existence is a lonely one.

28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yeah, a looong time ago.

29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? For money, why not?

30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? Sometime in January of last year.

31: Can you change the oil on a car? Yeah, it’s not hard.

32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Nope, and I have no idea how, because I speed literally everywhere I go.

33: Ever ran out of gas? I’ve never been driving while running out of gas, but I have pulled into the gas station with my car coughing at me because it was so low.

34: Favorite kind of sandwich? PB+J. I am a simple man.

35: Best thing to eat for breakfast? A flour tortilla with bacon, scrambled eggs, and refried beans. Fuck I’m hungry now.

36: What is your usual bedtime? When I have work I’m not up past 9 PM, I’m usually in bed before then. When I don’t have work I’ll stay up until I physically can’t anymore.

37: Are you lazy? As fuck.

38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? I dressed as Ghostface from Scream most of the time. I had a mask that pumped fake blood into it whenever I squeezed this rubber heart attached to it and it freaked everyone out.

39: What is your Chinese astrological sign? Monkey. I had to look this up.

40: Are you horny? Actually, yeah. Fucking horny as fuck and it’s pissing me off.

41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions? National Geographic, Rolling Stone, and I think one other one. I can’t remember.

42: Which are better legos or lincoln logs? Who the fuck would pick Lincoln logs over Legos?

43: Are you stubborn? Mules complain about how stubborn I am.

44: Who is better...Leno or Letterman? I’m not a fan of either.

45: Ever watch soap operas? Only one, Dark Shadows. I loved that show as a kid.

46: Are you afraid of heights? Nope.

47: Do you sing in the car? All the time. It’s how I practice my singing usually.

48: Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes.

49: Do you dance in the car? Oh yes. Headbang too.

50: Ever used a gun? Many times. I like shooting.

51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I have no idea. A long time ago.

52: Do you think musicals are cheesy? Hell no, I love musicals.

53: Is Christmas stressful? I never used to think so, but now that I work retail, fucking yes.

54: Ever eat a pierogi? Mhmm. They’re good.

55: Favorite type of fruit pie? I don’t really care for fruit pies, but probably pumpkin.

56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A demolition derby driver, and a paleontologist.

57: Do you believe in ghosts? I’d like to. I think there’s some pretty compelling evidence but I’ve never seen anything myself so I’m still skeptical.

58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? All the time.

59: Take a vitamin daily? Nah, I should though.

60: Wear slippers? Nope.

61: Wear a bath robe? Nope.

62: What do you wear to bed? Usually just a shirt and my underwear. Sometimes just my underwear. Sometimes nothing.

63: First concert? Killswitch Engage with Parkway Drive, Every Time I Die, and Escape Plan.

64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Well I work at Wal-Mart. So either of the other two.

65: Nike or Adidas? Fuck both. Overrated and overpriced.

66: Cheetos Or Fritos? Fritos forever.

67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Peanuts.

68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? Who?

69: Ever take dance lessons? Yes. Salsa dancing.

70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Nah, as long as she’s doing something she loves I don’t care. Unless it’s like contract killing or something.

71: Can you curl your tongue? Yep. It helps me play harmonica.

72: Ever won a spelling bee? Yeah, a bunch of times.

73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yeah I have.

74: Own any record albums? Nope. My dad does though.

75: Own a record player? See above.

76: Regularly burn incense? I used to.

77: Ever been in love? Yeah. Once.

78: Who would you like to see in concert? Children of fucking Bodom goddamn it I’ve missed them three times

79: What was the last concert you saw? Danimal Cannon and Dethlehem.

80: Hot tea or cold tea? How about no tea?

81: Tea or coffee? Fucking neither.

82: Sugar or snickerdoodles? Snickerdoodles.

83: Can you swim well? I can swim well enough to not look like a complete ass in the water.

84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yeah.

85: Are you patient? Nah, not usually.

86: DJ or band, at a wedding? Band. I’m not gonna be dancing to shitstep.

87: Ever won a contest? Yep. I won a contest in Kindergarten to go to O’charley’s in a limo, and I won another one several years later and got to talk to Arnold Schwarzenegger on the phone :)

88: Ever have plastic surgery? Fuck no.

89: Which are better black or green olives? I hate olives.

90: Can you knit or crochet? Nah.

91: Best room for a fireplace? Living room.

92: Do you want to get married? Yes.

93: If married, how long have you been married? I am not married.

94: Who was your HS crush? I dated the same girl throughout most of high school.

95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? Nah.

96: Do you have kids? Fuck no.

97: Do you want kids? Fuck no.

98: Whats your favorite color? Black. Also, what’s*

99: Do you miss anyone right now? I sure as hell do. Two people.

[queennicoleinboots]

Day 8 of Xara's Curse:

I Went To A Meeting To Fuck Off (Xara POV)

Co-authored by Jack McGee

Jasper, my 69-year-old client with a love for cigars and hatred for humanity, and I were on the phone. It was the end of a long day of dealing with arguments about racism that started off as a simple argument for why every public pool needs a lifeguard. I also had to deal with the elongated process of paying my bills over the phone because some jackasses are trying to hack everyone. Fuck them. But anyway, Jasper and I like to talk on the way home as soon as Joebear and I speak for a few minutes. Jasper likes to make sure I'm home safe. Apparently, I'm the only human he likes.

"So... what pissed you off this time?" Jasper asked as he hit his head with the phone a few times out of frustration.

"Oh God where do I begin? Oh yeah. You're cool," I said.

"After the obligatory fist fight we had to relieve stress and anxiety, I hope so," he said as he whacked his head with the phone again. That shit was starting to crack me up.

"True, but seriously, I hate Mondays with a fucking passion. Hackers have made it SUCH A NIGHTMARE TO PAY BILLS OVER THE PHONE!" I yelled.

"I know. Some cyber jackasses always have to do something," Jasper said with a sigh.

"And, I'm worried about Mickey Mouse showing up if the VA is around next Friday to do inspection. They could possibly call Adult Protective Services and the FBI. That idea scares the hell out of me. Mickey Mouse is the VA's sworn enemy. Not to mention he has been haunting your place for the last few weeks. What the fuck did I do?" I asked.

"Apparently, he is pissed that I'm not watching more Disney movies. I don't fucking know!" Jasper shouted.

"Mickey Mouse is a sick fuck. Speaking of sick, most everyone is getting sicker, and that stresses me out. Your back is more in pain. Jamie's pain is literally through the roof. His back brace is hanging out of the ceiling. Mr. Williamson is now making everything a racist joke against white people, especially Italians. And, Joebear is having muscle spasms in his back," I ranted.

"Jesus. What else?" Jasper asked.

"The state of Georgia itself is becoming a frustration. I'm not kidding when I say these people are driving me fucking crazy!" I exclaimed.

"Haha. It's true. I'm crazy because I've been in the South for too long," Jasper said with a crazy laugh.

"These early morning risers drive me to the brink of insanity. How the fuck are we supposed to sleep?!" I screamed as I drove furiously through my wooded route home at night.

"We don't!" Jasper said with a loud, jovial laugh.

"Truly. Some people just spam call you until you wake up. Hasn't anyone heard of sleep around here? I wondered why this place has zombies walking around, but then I discovered no one actually fucking sleeps around here. Plus, we live an hour and a half away from the Center of Disease Control," I said with a chuckle.

"Haha, yeah! It might help their brains if they slept, too," Jasper said with a laugh.

"My landlady should also be a target practice dummy. She doesn't want to use our rent money to hire a lifeguard. I hope someone sues the fuck out of her if God Forbid someone were to have a heart attack over the sheer amount of bullshit she puts every fucking resident through," Xara screamed.

"So glad I have my own house and own pool. Fuck that nonsense! Target practice, lol, I don't understand how the easiest job as a property manager can be fucked up. They fuck up everything. They looked at me like I was a stupid idiot for parking there. I lived there, too. 'Yeah well I'm a woman.' I don't care if you have a vagina," Jasper said as he laughed. Yes, he did say "lol."

"Did I mention I have a meeting tomorrow dealing with women?" I asked before commenting. "Fuck tomorrow's meeting. Fuck tomorrow's meeting. Fuck tomorrow's meeting. The last time I saw these people I was a zombie screaming, 'BRAINS! I need some. I'm starving. Fuck. I'm in Georgia. I won't be undead for very long, will I?!'"

Jasper was laughing and banging his fists on his TV tables. "Oh God. I'm sure that will be awkward! They'll be happy to see you."

"Why not? We're all going there to fuck off," I said.

"So, you will fuck off tomorrow?" Jasper asked.

"Yep. And I'm home. Thank you. See you when I am done fucking off," I said as I stopped the car and turned off the ignition.

___________________________________________

At the meeting:

I literally just walked into my Housekeeper's Association meeting to hear Shakira, the Human Resources lady going on a rant.

"Well, I'm going to fuck off from fucking off. It has already been a long day," she said.

I chuckled. I completely agreed with her. I had just woken up, and I already felt like the day was long.

I sat down next to some fellow housekeepers and started to help everyone fill out the necessary paperwork.

I wrote some smartass comments on mine just to show my disgust with this bureaucratic bullshit. I was okay with the Parkers (which I now had to write a weekly report on because they lived in a district that all homeowners and housekeeping want to see. What's so special about Logantown anyway?), Mr. Williamson, and Jasper. It was just all the bureaucratic rules of the Housekeeper's or should I say Housekeeping Association. Yes, they changed the name. More bureaucratic bullshit.

So, I learned that the name changed from Housekeeper's Association to Housekeeping Association, that I am required to write progress notes on the Parkers (I'll ask Godiva to write them for me. She's more normal.), and that I have to redo my fingerprints so that I can be stalked by the federal government.

There were mostly old ladies who were technologically-challenged at the meeting. There were only two males in the entire meeting, a 40-year-old black man who was a techno whiz and an ex-housekeeper and a 50-year-old white male who looked like a typical Georgia resident. The latter of the two was nothing to write home about.

The black 40-year-old techno whiz was named Ezekiel Daniels and the leader of the meeting. Yes, he was Jewish.

When we talked about the VA not paying any extra money for services, I loudly muttered, "JEWS!" Ezekiel laughed and went on with the meeting. He noted my disgruntled attitude toward the VA. Jasper has to forgive them for putting him in jail last year, but I don't. I can hate those murderous fuckers all I want. Because that is what the military is about: "legitimate" murdering. Jasper never killed anyone himself, but he sort-of maybe possibly thought about assisting many people in killing.

Mr. Williamson was a medic in the Gulf War, so he definitely never killed anyone. He had the only acceptable job in the military. So, I never brought up anything negative about the VA around him.

Shortly after I (accurately) called the VA a bunch of Jews, a black Millennial woman who was a CNA behind me kept commenting about how she used to work like an idiot until her kidneys blew out.

It was true. Most of us look like hell. Most of us were overweight. I sort of am because I'm 5'1 and 140 pounds. But there were some of us that were some serious fatties in that meeting. One was 5'2 and 200 pounds. That black bitch was a porker.

Anyhow, Ezekiel had mentioned that a housekeeper wasn't wearing a brassiere on that particular day and that we were required to wear "proper undergarments." My thought process was, "What? Were you looking at her breasts again? I'll give you proper undergarments. I'll put a bandaid on each of my nipples so that I could wear proper undergarments and you can fuck off. Most other countries don't wear bras or give a fuck, either. In fact, no other company gives two fucks about bras period. Obviously, these people are not concerned with their house being clean. Nor do they have hobbies to worry about their own shit.

In other news, women sometimes don't wear bras because they don't want to deal with breast sweat, and they are FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. She should have told him to wear a bra one day and see how the fuck he likes. Maybe she forgot because the Housekeeper-ing Association is so fucking stressful. Maybe she got titty-fucked rough, and her breasts were sore. Maybe she just didn't give a fuck anymore. Maybe we need something to talk about. In fact, why don't we for a change figure out how to make their houses shine even more. Seriously, I'm going to wear a bra anymore ever. And I am going to use my bras as cleaning rags. How the fuck would this piece of shit association like that?!"

I texted Jasper out of disbelief and frustration , "We changed the name of the Housekeeper's Association to Housekeeping Association. And I'm not wearing a bra anymore ever again. If people don't like it, they can fuck off."

There was a literal walrus woman at the front of the meeting who weighed 500 pounds. She was talking about clocking in and out. Could a bra even fit her? Seriously? How many bras would you put together to make her boobs not sag? I bet it would be at least five.

Jasper texted back, "What the fuck? What's the difference? Are you kidding me? By the way, good idea. I am sick of hearing women bitch about bras. This text brought horrible memories of my late wife talking about how she was hungry, hot, tired, and needed to take her bra off. Excuse me. I'm going to throw a fucking temper tantrum."

I texted back, "I haven't the slightest fucking idea. P.S. Sorry. I forgot about that. That makes me to burn my bras."

Some of the ladies were underweight and looked like skeletor. They looked like they needed a few sandwiches.

In short, it was a fuck-off meeting. I almost said "Fuck it", left my shit on the table, and left. Was there slight sexual harrassment? I want to burn my bras and then leave the ashes on Ezekiel's fucking desk.

In fact, when I left that God-forsaken meeting, I went back to work after and before throwing a temper tantrum. Upon further editing and reading and re-reading the account of this God-Forsaken meeting, I feel my tantrums were justified.

[ishomoogoo]

Future Fic Sneak Peek

Renato needs a place to lay low after a job. He's not too enthused by his options until he meets one of his future co-workers. beware f-bombs.

this fic is meant as a preview to a fic i’m writing with someone

“Really Renato, you’re putting me in a difficult position here.”

I look around the crowd of workers who are swiftly tearing things down and packing them up onto trailers in preparation for moving. A frown slips onto my face as I turn back to Askel. The man may be connected and easy to get favours from, but he can be quite stupid at times. My fingers twitch, if I wasn’t trying to lay low at the moment I would whip out my gun and shoot him. As things stand, however, I will have to limit it to beating him senseless once I can get him alone.

“For the last fucking time, it’s Anton while I’m here. And you owe me so stop whining and do what I asked.”

The man chokes back a complaint and looks around before sighing and waving for me to follow.

“Fine, I’ll see what I can do but you need to change first. No one’s going to believe you’re in need of a job looking like that.”

I scoff and roll my eyes. Of course I’ll need to change, a black Italian designer suit and fedora tend to stand out after all. Besides, I don’t really want to dirty them too much. I have to replace enough clothes because of all the blood stains, I don’t need to be soiling more with dirt too. We pass by several people, none of them really paying any attention to us past maybe a look or two as we quickly make our way to an RV. The vehicle is on the edge of a large cluster of camper trailers, all varying in size. His is a bit smaller than a few of the other trailers, but it looks like it can still comfortably fit two people. We get inside, and I raise my eyebrow at him when he turns back to me with some clothes he plucked out of a worn out trunk.

“You have an RV? Those are rather difficult to acquire this side of the curtain, sure you can afford it all by yourself?”

The older man huffs before shoving the clothes at me. I take them and he walks around me, heading outside.

“I’m not incompetent you know. Who do you think helps run this place? I’ll be outside waiting for you.”

I smirk and quickly remove my shoes and get changed into the plain white shirt and tan pants, keeping on my underwear since those weren’t provided. Both are a bit loose, but they will do for now. With any luck, I will only have to live like this for a couple weeks before I can get back to work far away from this place. This will be the last time I do a high profile assassination, even if it’s as a favour. I carefully fold my clothes and put them in the trunk, placing my beloved fedora on top of them. I find a spare pair of shoes next to the door and put them on my socked feet. They’re a bit loose but I can easily get a better fitting pair later. I walk outside into the breezy afternoon sun, and Askel looks me over before sighing again. I glare at him and grab him by the collar, dragging him out of sight behind the vehicle. Time to educate this bastard about manners.

*

The only tent left standing in the camp appears to be the mess tent that sits close to the Sura river. Most of the workers are either inside or sitting around some campfires, talking, laughing, or just hunched over their food. Askel is leading me over to the line of cooks; who are handing out food to people who haven’t eaten yet, or who are hoping to get more. An elderly woman who is giving out rolls looks up when we get close enough, and starts to smile before getting a look at Askel’s bruising face. She then frowns and tsks, putting her fists on her ample hips in disappointment.

“Honestly bikcherro, what did you do this time? One would think you would have learned by now!”

The woman speaks her Russian with a thick Romani accent, her irritation for the man dripping from every word. Askel squawks at her indignantly, but her attention has already shifted to me. Her pinched face changes into one of confusion, her brow creasing further.

“Who is this romni chor? I haven’t seen him around the camps.”

Askel perks up and excitedly introduces us.

“Ah! Tawni, this is Anton! He’ll be joining us for a while until he can get back on his feet. Anton, this is Tawni, she’s our head cook.”

Her face softens somewhat and she regards me more carefully. She looks away and grabs some dinnerware from a small stack behind the food.

“Oh? Tell me nukkipel, what can you do?”

I put on a charming smile, answering before the idiot can.

“I am an excellent marksman, but I can do any odd job that needs doing including cooking. If you ever find yourself in need of help, don’t hesitate to ask.”

She smiles mischievously and chuckles.

“I’ll keep that in mind. Here, have something to eat. You’re far too skinny. Make sure this goggi dinla acquaints you with the other’s after you eat.”

She hands me a plate piled high with food, and shoves a simple bowl of soup into Askel’s hands. I smirk as he grumbles about favoritism and leads the way into the communal tent. It’s a wonder how this man can own and run a circus when he’s such a simpering buffoon. Inside the tent are a bunch of tables that can be easily broken down and moved, along with make-shift chairs that have been crowded around them. Most tables are full, people loudly speaking amongst themselves. We both look around, trying to find some free space in the crowd. I manage to quickly spot a relatively free table in one corner, populated by a lone woman.

I immediately head that way, Askel scrambling after me. I observe the woman as we get closer. Her skin is a deep brown, the lamp light giving it an almost bronze sheen. Her black hair is cropped close to her scalp, which accentuates the smooth curve of her head and neck. She’s leaned over a plate and bowl, paying no one else any attention as she eats alone. I ignore Askel, who has noticed my destination and is attempting to direct me elsewhere, and set my plate down to the right of her. This causes her to raise her head and look at me with jet black eyes. I plaster on my most charming smile and sit down in the chair next to her.

“My my, a beautiful woman like you sitting by herself? This simply won’t do. Your co-workers must be blind to leave a divine creature like you alone.”

She quirks one of her eyebrows at me, flicking her eyes briefly to Askel. Does she not speak Russian?

“Ah, Vasily, this is an acquaintance of mine. He’ll be helping us out for a while.”

As he is explaining my circumstances, I take the opportunity to take the rest of her form in. Her face is angular and her eyes are sharp, making her look even more exotic along with her skin tone. Her body is slim, outlined by a thin sweater and pants, but lined with compact muscles that gives her a feline beauty that is rare for a woman. I wonder where she comes from, and if they make more of her type there. I notice that, as I’m regarding her, she is doing the same. She’s eyeing me up and down, and with more than just a bit of interest. I continue to smile at her and grab her hand, she eyes me curiously as I kiss her hand. I release her hand and ignore the pained sigh from the now intruding Askel.

“Vasily correct? It’s a pleasure to meet you. My name is Anton and I will be in your care for a few weeks.”

Her face shifts from curiosity to irritation in an instant, her eyes momentarily flashing a different colour. I don’t have time to contemplate the change, or the telltale itch of Cloud Flames in the air, before she seems to pause and think about something. She then smiles and reaches into the pocket of her pants, which are hugging her wonderfully shaped hips. She pulls out a 50 kopek coin and looks into my eyes, glee swimming in those dark pools. Askel seems to be silently freaking out behind me, has been since I introduced myself.

“Heads or tails?”

Still smiling, I start to wonder what has happened. I’ve never had such a reaction from anyone before. I could understand if I somehow offended her, but it looks like she’s decided to play a game instead. This woman is at least an active Cloud user, but also something else. I’m still trying to put my finger on this other feeling when I answer her, trying to get more information and to see where this goes.

“Heads.”

She flips the coin into the air, both of us watching as it makes several turns before landing insignia side up. This seems to decide something for her, and she changes from impish to flirtatious as quickly as before. She rests her head on her left hand and focuses her sultry gaze on me. Askel is practically having a seizure now. She grazes her hand along my arm and I feel different Flames teasing along my skin. She’s a Sky!

“Anton is it? What job will you be doing? And how are you acquainted with our idiot of a ring leader?”

I’m not really sure what the deal with this woman is, but she doesn’t appear to be dangerous right now. If she’s as much of a treat in bed as she is to look at, then I shouldn’t let this opportunity pass. I have to be careful not to harmonize with her during our time together, but her flames will make things much more exciting. I match her sultry attitude and lean forward, completely ignoring the man who has since seated himself across from us.

“I’m a really good marksman, so I would do well with throwing knives. I can also do a myriad of other things as well, so please don’t hesitate to ask if you need any assistance.”

Her eyebrows raise, along with her hand. She takes one of my curly sideburns and twirls it around a slim finger.

“Oh? And what can a skinny, pretty boy like you offer me?”

I slide a smirk onto my face and take the opportunity to trail my right hand up one of her supple thighs.

“I’m stronger than I look gorgeous. I think you’ll find me handy for a number of things.”

She hums, a wistful smile spreading across her features. She leans in even closer, her breath ghosting along my ear. I suppress a shiver as she whispers into my ear.

“Mmm, want to know what you could do for me?”

I inhale her spicy scent, savouring it before letting it go. Excitement is coiling in my gut and buzzing through my veins.

“Just name it beautiful.”

She leans back and grips my chin tightly in her fingers, an icy purple glare sending me reeling.

“Don’t fucking lie to me again. It’d be such a shame if your pretty face got messed up.”

She pats my cheek and gets up, grabs her plate and leaves the tent. I’m snapped out of my shock when I hear a snigger from the arrogant bastard across from me. Seems he didn’t learn his lesson from before.

I totally just looked up a Romani->English dictionary and just used the words without thinking about the grammar. sue me :D

Bickcherro- blockhead Romni Chor- wife/ woman stealer Nukkipel- a term of endearment for men Goggi Dinla- brainless fool

tbh, when i picked renato's alias, i wasn't thinking of the reference. it wasn't until halfway through writing that it clicked and i decided to have fun with it. :b

comments are nice, are you?

[2gameprince]

Four Days Of Convenience

This was the first day. It was about seven a.m; sometime after I'd cut a bulb of lettuce, when I finally got to sit down on that blue crate over a bucket in the back room that served as my morning "resting seat". It was a slow morning, for a Monday, at least; and I could of sworn I was gonna get a stiff neck from all the quick darting my tired head was doing. At every beep and buzz my head shot out from the back room, expecting some new customer on the prowl for a complicated food order. But, no. This morning was slow, at least for now. It wasn't even eight and I'd already downed two or three cups of coffee, soaked in cream and weighted in sugar. I had gotten two hours of rest last night and should have come in at four. I was lax, especially after learning that the boss wouldn't be in till much later that day; or even much later tomorrow, if I was lucky. All I knew was that I was going to avoid a scolding in my tired state. A point at which I'd of probably retaliated in a dizzy rage, throwing down my apron and quitting before my manager could officially even hire me. But this job was off the books. About ten dollars an hour, ten hours a day, seven days a week, from four to three, no time and a half. I didn't mind. I got access to all the coffee and bottles of water I could ever drink. That, and whenever I was hungry I could whip up anything I wanted on the grill. And at the end of the day it was okay for me to take home any breakfast sandwiches that nobody had taken past ten. I still had three from yesterday festering away in my fridge. Or did I eat those... No matter. Like a buzz, the guy teaming me called my ass out from the back and ordered two buttered rolls to replace the ones in the front foil basket. We only made a handful a day. After that, the orders came fast. The guy training me had me strike up a slew of new breakfast sandwiches which I half-did by myself and wrapped to an astonishing array. I think he was pleased. It was my fifth day here and I was certainly getting quicker. I hoped they'd noticed that. Next on the bill was a ham and cheese sandwich, hot and buttered. The customer was an Italian man, about forty, which meant he was going to be difficult. The old Italian men always were. Usually hailing from New York, who come down to shitty suburban-farm life in Jersey. They do this as a means of escaping the chaos of the North, freeing themselves from the hustle and bustle. Instead they bring bad driving and a self entitled attitude, believing because they are older, the world owes them. They're a prick to you until you bring up one of the five boroughs, then they're your best buddy and begin a speech on how their bitchy generation was the best, despite their barbaric upbringing and closed minded ideologies. We got the order done quick, sure enough he wanted the sandwich heated up. A fact that would have been nice to know before we had wrapped it. The early Rush was done and I made some more breakfast sandwiches. Suddenly, all became quiet. The sky was blue and the highway outside was a bustle. The whole day came to a halt and it was smooth sailing for a while after that. I was late this morning, and the guy that had been training me went ahead and made twenty two sandwiches on his own, an hour and a half before I showed up. When I came in I avoided eye contact and waddled into the storage room to put away my coat and lace up my apron. I jumped at the voices of middle aged women on the other side of the storage room door. Sometimes the register would go off and I'd come running for nothing. The sandwiches were going quick, but only the ones we didn't have to replenish. I could rest easy for now. Just for now. The chaos died down and I began to talk to the guy that trained me. In a moment the statues of being coworkers evaporated, and he began to tell me of his ventures through India, the United Kingdoms and America. My eyes were widened by his life's story, since that was really all it was. I didn't have much of anything to throw in, but it was sure nice listening. This job was an experience in learning about the cultures of my fellow workers. It was a subject they would never hesitate to speak about, and a subject I would never choose to ignore. This was the second day. The day had hit a wall, at least for the few minutes I had to sit down and internally hate myself for not getting a full night's sleep. I was late again. The guy training me didn't care much. I wouldn't say it was my lateness that pissed him off, but rather my inability to remember the placement of rolls and bagels in the morning. I had only really practiced putting them away one time. I was too tired to try and explain it. He scolded me and I nodded until he stormed out, my mind in another place, distracted by double vision and the hazy sound of his voice. He stormed out to have a cigarette. I fumbled around a bit and he returned, much calmer. He apologized briefly and told me of what was expected of me. At least... I think that's what he was talking about. The day passed by rather quickly, to be honest. I flunked some orders, did some right and was sarcastically told to come in the next day at eight in the morning. While I would have loved to heed that offer, here I sit, well enough rested and awake at two. I figured I'd take an hour for myself in the morning, since I only have about four to three hours of free time a day now. I made an early coffee and some sugary fruit flavored cereal to start today. My boss had sold me two packs of ninety-nine cent baby cigars; and I couldn't wait to down one of those while waiting at the bus stop the next morning. I was actually waiting for this local cop to stop me. See, the other day I was waiting by the road, at about four, for my boss to come rolling up and open the store so I could start my routine. This cop pulls up and says somebody reported me for snooping around in cars. If by "snooping around in cars" they mean standing on the sidewalk, freezing my nuts off, then yes! I figured it was only a matter of time before someone called them. A bearded man in a trench coat, standing by a convenience store, with no one around… (Except the fuck in the pickup truck who was so paranoid by my presence.) It had all the red flags and makings of a terrible scenario in paranoid America. Though, it doesn't take much effort. Anyways, back to my story: The cop walked up with his flashlight in my face and he asked what I was doing there. I told him everything, was completely real and blunt with the guy; even displaying aggravation. I was especially tired that morning. He understood, I think, and just copied down my ID identification. He said it was incase he ever ran into me again. Whatever the fuck that means. I was hoping to run into him again, to cement my place at that street side. There was no law that said I couldn't be there. Plus, I had no other time or place away from my family to smoke my cigars. The only time I ever had to smoke was during the eight minute walk from my job to my house, where my brother was usually the only one home at the time. I was drinking so much coffee as of late, I thought it was gonna kill me. I was so tired of food and only wanted water, coffee and something to smoke every now and again. I'd given up pot for now, which especially made my free time a bore. I didn't have much of a personal life anymore. I didn't mind much. I wasn't expecting to stay at this job for much longer. Another month tops. I dreamed about traveling, maybe being a vagabond. But, then thought about joining the coastguard or the navy, all since my two favorite writers both went into the service in their respective times. That, and my life was going nowhere. I didn't much care anymore. Up till now, everything in my life felt so relative and distant; any point in holding on would prove to be null and void, just like my three hours a day. That only time to myself, which I wasted everyday, in fear and impatience for what I was going to do with my off-time the following day. This was the third day. The week that I had decided to up and quit being a porter came the day after, what would become my last day on the job; and before I served the two week period, all because my new boss wanted me to start at the convince store as soon as possible. At the time I had gotten into a nasty fight with Debora. We’d disputed over and old friend of hers fucking with me and a whole bunch of other jumbled shit I’d rather not go into right now. But, on the whole… deep down I believe my sudden rush, from leaving my old job and settling somewhere else, had something to do with a deep psychological need to keep myself busy and distracted by causing friction in my life. That way I wouldn’t think about her too much or the fact that we’d fallen apart. I wasn’t even sure if she was done with me. Honestly, for the first time, ever, I was scared, and by the time the week was up, faith or not, I found myself begging for her to come back. One day she’d finally messaged me and I turned around to find my last job despised me and my new one had me by the balls. So, one night, in a fit of sleepless energy and a carefree attitude, I declared a desire to join the Coastguard and leave this new store position behind. I was in a frenzy. Life was coming down all around me and I couldn’t keep track of everything that was happening. I feared that my love was unfaithful, I feared the hate of my old job, I feared seclusion from my friends who’d been busy living their lives, I feared the judgment of my parents, I feared being broke, I feared my smoking habits being discovered, I feared being kicked out and the list could have gone on forever. So, I did what I usually did. I went to bed and decided to solve it tomorrow. Procrastination was my biggest problem, and my besets friend. That very night my grandfather, the amazing man that he is, agreed to come with me to the store the next day, have me tell my boss that after a week of training, that I quit and request my due pay for the week. My manager attempted to haggle, negotiate and convince me to stay. He even tried to make men feel guilty, and it worked for about a minute before I caught on and shrugged my shoulders. This job wasn’t going to make or break me. At most, all it did was provide me time to think about my station in life and see into the lives of others. And that was a nice feeling. It was this sort of second sight into the world outside your own closed perspective. But that was it. Some nice conversations. That, and this job taught me in one week what four years of high school coking class never could. I could now cook a library of shit. And most of it being fast food which is all local eateries were anymore. I was out of a job though, and finding a new one was gonna be a bitch, especially after how I'd left the last one. I tried not to think too much about it. As I usually did. I felt it was time for a change. I had some good times in the past, but I longed to get far away from my life. I’d followed bands, I’ve cooked, I’ve hosted my own art shows, I collected games, and movies, and comics, and all of it had gotten me nowhere. Not all the money time in the world could fuel this tired streak I was on, and laziness always came back around to find me. Mistakes were made, but I wasn't going to be torn apart by them, or the judgments of those around me, for that matter. What the hell did anybody know about me? That I was a failure? Falling and taking time to do land? I guess so. Least, that’s how it seemed to me. And I tried not to give a damn. Cause not caring just made everything feel better. But, just for a little while. This was the forth day. I took to the grill hard and fast today! Oh man, there wasn't a better cook thus far along the eastern coast this morning! The guy training me sat back, did the bagels and rolls, letting me run my course. The foreign fellow at the front desk, in the middle of brewing coffee, even took time out to come over to me and compliment my work. Once I believed everything had been filled and finished, he came up to me again. Once more, the foreign fellow praised me for my skill that morning, all the while my trainer sat in the back, on his phone. I felt more confident, being left to my own devices. But, come ten o'clock the lunch shift would start and I would have to make up all the chicken and fries. The fried chicken was especially annoying, because it was this whole long drawn-out process. The true test would come in-between the breakfast and lunch preparations. I ran off a few orders with my trainer's help and began to make my own breakfast. I ran into S; an acquaintance of mine that I'd met back when I worked as a porter. He came in and glared at me for a good while, scratching his chin curiously. I stood up and walked on over to where he was standing on the other side of the counter. I asked him if he needed anything and pretended as if I was the twin brother of a guy who worked at the grocery store I'd previously met him in. He realized it was me and we chatted for a bit until the morning rush caught up and he grabbed a bacon breakfast sandwich, leaving as quick as he had come. The rest of that morning I was on fire! Never before had I displayed such ability in the work place. And u like pushing carts, this job was spent making food for people, which, when dwelled upon after the fact, left me feeling accomplished. Perhaps this was the day it was all going to turn around. Every meal I made quick and neat. Drop an egg. Make a new one in less time. The grill was my bitch and the meals, my children. Peace came at eleven. The whole store was dead and settled down to a day old cinnamon roll which I ate half of and threw out. An order came in for a roast beef sub and the manager sat by as my trainer who said that I have to fluff up the mean when I put it on a sandwich, as to not waste too much meat by making it look big. In confidence my trainer told me of how the manager is a schmuck when it comes to the percentages of meat that we put on sandwiches, and that a little more or a little less won't kill anybody. I agreed. He said if I wasn't sure about how much meat to give and I put on too much, not to worry. My manager then claimed that he could cook ninety percent of the things found on the menu. I bet he can't. And it appears the bad mood has found me. It all fell apart after one chicken buffalo sandwich. Or was it buffalo chicken? Doesn't matter! Nevertheless, I was told one more slip up would result in me being fired. Well... not fired. My training would be discontinued. Or some obscure shit like that. I don't know. The manager spoke about being clear and forward, but all I've known him to be, so far, was very vague and spitefully suggestive. He seemed almost insulted when I asked about pay, panicking to think of an answer as to why it might be low some weeks. I didn't care. I was here for the experience of cooking. And in one week I learned what four years of high school cooking could never teach me. That was all I really wanted out of this. If I got let go, it wouldn't matter. Nothing seemed to matter these days.