#comparatively hes bright eyed and bushy tailed!!

[earthtooz]

x : HOUSE OF CARDS :*+ﾟ

in which: for as long as you remember, sunday covers his eyes when he cries.

warnings: 1.5k words, fluff with elements of angst, kind of follows canon- not exactly though, sunday cries gold because i said so, based on his character stories, gn!reader who is an observer to the complexity that is sunday's lcharacter

a/n: an attempt into studying sunday was made- i don't think i hit the hammer on the nail quite right, but i tried, i mainly just wanted to celebrate him + his lc coming home YAY. i wish i had more time to let the outline of this marinate, but i couldn't see it being any better than it's current state, so apologies if this isn't the best or most eloquent read of your life.

Sunday had a habit of covering his eyes with his wings when he cried.

He didn’t cry often, but you would know when he did whenever his feathers pressed against his face, hiding his golden eyes and the ichor they’d shed front he world, not allowing anyone to see the depths of his soul, the magnitude of his suffering. 

The first time he did this was at the young age of nine, a fledgling barely a decade in to the tapestry of life. It happened after he fell over while chasing you and Robin around in Gopher Wood’s gardens, knee scraping against concrete and skin peeling in the process, resulting in a nasty scratch, and his wings fluttered to cover his face almost immediately, even stifling his sniffles as traces of golden tears streamed down his cheeks, dripping onto his clothes.

He bared himself to you not too long after, the tears and snot drying as you tended his wound with Robin singing him a comforting lullaby.

These were the innocent tears of childhood, none of you yet changed by the harsh realities that fate would guide your paths on.

The second time was after his first music class.

It seemed Robin stole the affinity for singing from him as their music teacher berated him, likening his voice to that of a ‘duckling’, comparable to the sound of nails on chalkboard. A 12 year old Sunday was sent out of class not too long after, the start of a tantrum beginning to take place as his eyes welled up and began sniffling, fists and wings clenched.

You come to his aid not too long after, having heard the commotion and wandering over, but when he saw you, he ducked out of your sight and covered his eyes with his wings, splaying them over his face. They were larger now and capable of covering the expanse of his head, only exposing his forehead and chin as you tried to console him.

“Hey, it’s okay!” You coo, rubbing his shoulder comfortingly. “Mr. Big Guy tells me your piano playing is amazing and that you’re a real prodigy, Sunday!”

The sniffles halt momentarily. “Really?” His wobbly voice had asked.

“Yeah! He’s proud of you, and you should be proud of that too!”

He bares himself to you, glassy golden eyes looking into you, trying to seek comfort in the familiarity of your friendliness and company. “You mean it?” 

“Of course!”

“Then… are you proud of me too, Y/n?”

“I’m always proud of you, dummy, now stop crying and cheer up!”

“You’re right,” he chuckles, wiping his face with the back of his hand as his other went to grasp yours. “I shouldn’t let that witch get to me.”

“Sunday! Be respectful of your teachers!”

Despite how often the grey-haired boy would listen to your whims and wishes, he never stopped calling his vocal teacher a witch or anything along the variant. It displeased you every time, but the most you would punish him with was a gentle slap on the arm and a scowl that would melt away as soon as he’d share his giantmoa pudding tarts with you.

A few months after that shared moment, Sunday had begun taking the Family lessons from the Bronze Melodia. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, he had dreamed of being an influence that would change Penacony and its Dreamscape for the better, and now it was finally his moment- his calling to the world had finally been heard, and they answered with a path that was of utmost righteousness and virtue. 

However, as he took more lessons, learned more about the ways of the Family, he grew into someone else. 

The third time you saw him cry was when you received the news that Robin was shot. A bullet wound to the neck, it was a miracle that she survived, but Sunday was inconsolable, even whilst knowing that she was alive, just on another planet. The distance was akin to torture because no matter how desperately he wished to be by her side, he couldn’t cross it while shackled to his duties in Penacony, so the spirit of the elder brother rested in your arms and cried. 

He sobbed quietly into your shoulder, wings covering his eyes as the two of you sit on the floor, a hauntingly beautiful image of despair as his limbs intertwined with yours. Sunday had collapsed on you the moment you welcomed him into your embrace, the ability to hold himself up being too much to stomach after knowing that he could have lost his sister. 

He cries until your limbs grow pins and needles, until you begin to feel weak under the weight of his grief and your own, until you feel the puddle of tears on your clothes drying. 

Gloved hands hold onto you tightly, and he knew something then and there.

“I can’t lose you,” he whispers, breath shuddering as despair rolls off him in waves, and Sunday removes his face from your shoulder, a cold look of determination staring up at you. “I must protect you, I must shield your happiness too so that we may never suffer again.”

“What?”

His words are incomprehensible to you at this point, and they sound akin to the ramblings of a mad man. “You will never struggle to be happy again, I will give you everything you need- I see it now, Y/n. The strong must guide the weak, for who else will they seek solace in?”

Realisation seeps into your bones like ice. After so many confessionals, so many witnesses of humanity at its most helpless, he has grown nihilistic, devoid of hope towards the resilience of human beings. Still, he yearns to help. Yearns to help people thrive even though he does not truly believe in things getting better, and shoulders this impossible fight by himself. 

The sweet boy you once knew has hardened his defences, fortified his walls and relentlessly chased the most obscure path of Harmony: Order. Destroyed himself under the belief of being responsible for creating a painless reality for humanity, and you witnessed the catalyst for Sunday’s own dismantling whilst he was laid on your lap. 

You haven’t seen him cry since that day. He no longer hides himself behind his wings because he no longer gives himself a moment to mourn. Devastation is engrained in every fibre of his being. 

Now, when he plays the piano for you, you don’t hear the melodic tune of the most important person in your life- you hear a complex piece of toil and struggle. When you sit next to him on the piano stool, you watch the dexterity of his fingers and how his face remains serenely calm whilst playing the hardest sonata known to man, acclimatized to the toughest scenarios that even the polished wood of the piano won’t warp his pristine image. 

Then, when he is finished, you lay your head on his shoulder as you shower him with praises, searching for a familiar fragment of him that you can grasp onto. However, all you find is a shard of bittersweet longing when he turns to place a dainty kiss on the top of your head.

Everyday before the Charmony Festival, you feel like you know him less and less. He won’t even touch the giantmoa pudding tarts you leave on his desk. 

The fourth time you see Sunday cry, he is a changed man.

After exiling himself from Penacony, you naturally grow to ache for his presence. At least Robin has returned to you and will share conversations about the mysterious future of her older brother, sometimes you cry together, over him and also over other things, but at the core of all your emotions is how badly you miss him. You miss him as you overlook Penacony’s Grand Theatre, you miss him in all the old desserts you used to love together, you miss him when you think about him. 

Letters are infrequent and never quite soothe the emptiness, but you hope that in some vast corner of the universe, he is discovering a sense of peace he could never have here. The events of the Charmony Festival still make you cringe, but knowing that he is with the kind souls of the Astral Express relieves you.

In fact, you have half a mind to be rather jealous- you want to be exploring the stars as well.  

However, he comes back to you after countless moons.

You run into him where you least expect to, on the streets of Penacony, under the vibrant advertisements for SoulGlad, Hanu’s Advertisement, and Robin’s latest album. Under the blinding neon monstrosity of Penacony’s main street, you are swept into the arms of a man who you have missed for countless moons, who you have thought of as the weeks turn into months, who you fell in love with since the time he scraped his knee after falling on pavement. 

And this time, he doesn’t cover his eyes as liquid gold drips down his cheek.

You forgot how unfairly pretty of a crier he is, but you don't have time to think about it as he pulls you close and rejoices on your lips. There's a small whimper that escapes you when you feel his tears fall on your skin, but your hands crawl up to the collar of his coat to keep him close so you can keep catching them.

His gloved hands come to rest on your cheeks in kind, stubborn to not let you stray too far again.

He tastes like giantmoa pudding tarts. 

“I’ve missed you,” you whisper between kisses. 

He responds by pressing you closer and pouring his devotion into your mouth.

© EARTHTOOZ 2024, do not steal, translate, repost my fics and do not recommend my fics onto any other site.

[formulawolff]

iii. golden girl - t.w.

pairing: female driver! x toto wolff

word count: 3.3k

warnings: age gap, cursing, yearning, pining, some sexual content, power imbalances, toto wanting to absolutely rail you, some slight mentions of a size kink, yadayadayada, mature content!

prev. | next.

“holy fuck! holy fuck! holy fucking shit!”

“come here!” 

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖

james squeezes you tightly, nearly sweeping you off your feet as the team swarms your car, fireworks bursting in the night. it thunders through the stands, yet you can barely hear a thing as the team surrounds the two of you, jeering. tears sting your eyes, blurring your vision through the visor. 

yet, this was no time for tears. 

raising your arms, you clamber on to your car, standing on top of it. you pump your fists in the air. 

“we did it! we fucking did it!”

your voice is muffled slightly by the helmet, but your team understands your words, cheering in response. hopping off the car, you throw off your helmet, hairs plastered to your forehead, cheeks burning from the heat. 

“how did we manage that?” james is as astonished as you are, nearly trembling with excitement. although it was substantially late in the evening, he was bright eyed-and bushy tailed. 

the team principal was probably running on fumes by now, but you knew the adrenaline coursing through veins would keep him wide awake in the hours to come. 

“i don’t know,” you shake your head, “but we did it.”

“max has some competition, eh?” he teases, a hand tousling your hair. 

“i would not go that far,” your cheeks burned once again, but this time, it was not from the heat. 

you couldn’t stop grinning. no matter how hard you tried, the smile would just come back. 

it was more than likely from the fact that you just made history. 

for the first time in seventy-four years of formula one, you were the first american woman in history to win a grand prix. 

you made history today. and you would probably continue to make a name for yourself, break records, and obliterate barriers. 

fuck, this was an amazing day. 

probably one of the best days of your life. 

“good fucking job!”

“amazing race out there!”

“we love you!”

praise floods your ears as you make your way to the podium, guided by james. the stands are still somewhat packed, and you blow a few kisses and wave to fans as you stroll along. 

your heart was still thumping, blood roaring in your ears. euphoria courses through your veins, the feeling completely unmatched to anything you had ever felt before. it buzzes from your fingertips to your toes, your steps feeling light compared to the rush of the race. 

you were on cloud nine. 

making your way onto the podium, you step into the first place spot, beaming as max and checo follow suit, stepping on their designated places. your respective home flags roll down, the star spangled banner filling your ears. 

tears well up in your eyes, and you can’t help but shed a few, wiping them away with your hand as the anthem rolls on, your team waiting patiently below. 

is this how max felt every time he won? 

was this the high he was always chasing after? 

because now you understood. now you understood exactly why drivers were so determined to win. when you started your formula one career, you were more determined than ever to just place in a race. to prove the ones who had doubted you wrong. to rub it in their faces that you were a worthy competitor. most of all, to show the world what you were made of as a female driver. 

now, here you were. 

proving to the world that you were not only determined, but you were an exceptional driver. 

you were capable of winning races. 

and in your heart, you knew you were so capable of winning so many more. 

as the trophy is placed in your hands, you pump it in the air, the williams racing crew applauding. there are some shouts, some cries of joys, and suddenly, you feel a shower of champagne cascading down your suit.

glancing up, you notice that both max and sergio are holding champagne bottles in their hands, spraying not only you, but each other. giggling, you reach down, picking up your own bottle. the three of you erupt with laughter, as you douse one another. at one point, you chase max with it, tugging on the collar of his fire suit and pouring it down his back. 

the rest of the evening is a blur. everyone morphed together: reporters, crew members, even james. everything that was said to you went in one ear, and straight out the other. 

winning a grand prix was exhilarating, but god did you hate the press that followed after. 

what seemed like hours later, you were finally back at your motorhome, kicking open the door. you were sticky from the champagne, your hair caked to the nape of your neck and cap. your muscles ached, desperate for some sort of relief. 

racing an 1,800 pound car was no easy feat. 

and you were beyond exhausted. 

physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

of course, the first thing you did after the podium celebration consisted of facetiming your parents. even with the time difference, they stayed up and watched, nearly blowing out the speaker of your phone when you called. 

after a quick shower, you were perched on your couch, a blanket wrapped around your shoulders. part of you wanted to fill the empty space with a pet, but you knew that all of the travel would be hard on any animal. perhaps during the offseason you would consider a cat. a big fluffy maine coon or a sleek russian blue would be perfect. 

all over social media, american fans flooded the feed with memes, edits, and comments. all of them were in support of you. and for the first time in a long time, you felt the urge to sit and read everything that was said. 

not only were your parents, james, and team proud, but your country was as well. 

as an edit plays on tik tok, you can’t help but laugh as you hear the sound, “what the fuck is a kilometer?” paired with photos and snippets of you from the grand prix. god, were these people so fast  when it came to posting the edits. where the hell did they find these clips so quickly anyway? 

a knock at your door startles you, head snapping up.

although the crew wanted to party, you had to inform them that it would have to be postponed. even though you were still running on all of the adrenaline, it was slowly trickling away, leaving your eyelids heavy and body sore. 

carefully, you trudge to the door, wincing as a twinge of pain sears through your neck. opening the door, your eyes widen. 

once again, it was toto wolff. 

this time, he had a small package in his hand. it was a crisp white paper, wrapped neatly with a royal blue bow. 

“i figured i would swing by and congratulate you on your accomplishment.”

“thank you,” apprehensively, you accept the gift in his hand, “it’s a bit late, you know.”

“i know, i know,” he exhales, “i figured i would do this privately instead of in front of the whole world.”

“the whole world as in my team?” you arch a brow. 

“yes,” he answers, swaying slightly, “can i come in?”

peering past his broad shoulders, you survey the surroundings. since it was so late, most of the crew had retired to their respective hotel rooms or motorhomes. now, it was most of the cleanup and mechanical crew, tearing down signs and cleaning up litter. 

biting your lip, you nod, inviting the austrian in, “come in.”

this time, you could sense that he was nervous. you usher him to the couch, urging him to sit. you find a spot on the opposite end, maintaining your distance. there’s a moment of silence between the two of you, toto eyeing your current attire.

of course he had to come by while you were in your pajamas. 

well, pajamas that consisted of a black skims tee and grey sweatshorts. shorts that were a little revealing, at that. 

breaking the silence, you cough, “why did you really come by?”

“you know why.” 

“i’m not joining your team,” you roll your eyes, “you can’t buy my decision with gifts, either.”

“oh?” his brows raise, “can i buy it with something else, then?”

“no,” you shake your head, “you can’t.”

“well, i tried,” he puts his hand up in defeat, “it seems you have made your decision.”

the austrian begins to stand up, smoothing out a wrinkle in his pants. yet, your spring forward, your hand delicately grasping his wrist as he turns, “wait.”

“hmm?” he hums, “what is it? reconsidering?”

“can you–” warmth fills your cheeks as he peers down at you, prompting you to speak, “i can’t stop thinking about the last time you were here. and the time we were in monaco.”

“monaco?” he echoes, “i don’t recall monaco.”

“you were probably too drunk to remember.”

your heart swells as his fingertips reach out, brushing a strand of hair behind your ears. it’s a gentle act, his hand massaging your scalp for a moment, “no, i remember. when i called you a golden girl and you acted like you’d never been complimented in your life. i offered you a drink too, and you refused. probably didn’t want to ruin your image as a golden girl, hmm?”

“you’re a little shit,” you mutter, earning a hearty laugh in return, “but anyway i–”

“i can’t stop thinking about it either,” toto settles back down on the couch. this time, he is not a couple of feet away. he plops down right next to you, only inches of space separating you two. 

“i probably think about you too much.” 

“why?” you blurt out, “why, though? i’m just another driver. i’m not anything special.”

“not anything special? little dove, you are by far one of the most beautiful women i have ever seen. ever since i saw your image circulating around social media, i could not help but stare in awe. you’re practically a model, and you drive exceptionally well? like i said, you’re an inspiration. you’re confident. you’re level-headed. that is a package deal, schatz.”

“you literally said the other night that you were trying to manipulate me into accepting your offer,” the notes in your tone are solemn. 

the team principal cocks his head, shocked at your attempt to throw him off guard. yet, your face falls as he bears a grin, his tone matter-of-fact.

“you’re not very good at this whole good cop, bad cop thing.” 

“i’d be much better at it if you weren’t so handsome,” your lips form a pout, and toto inches closer, his hand cupping the nape of your neck. 

fingertips massage the area, earning a sigh of relief, “am i really that handsome?”

“do you not remember the way i scurried away after you offered me to buy me drinks in monaco? i was a mess. i’m a mess every single time i talk to you.”

“is that why you’re so against joining mercedes?” the inquiry is innocent, with no underlying reason to prod or pry. 

well, it was not necessarily the entire reason you were against accepting toto’s offer, but it definitely was one of them. you wouldn’t be able to last a second in the paddock without climbing all over him and attacking him. 

if you weren’t careful enough, you’d probably get pregnant one night in the paddock. 

“i just think about what would happen if i did,” you shrug, averting away from his gaze, “there’s no denying i am attracted to you. i can’t just sit here and lie.”

“i know you are,” his hand wanders to your shoulder blades, carefully kneading each one, “fuck, schatz. you’re so tight.” 

you’re so tight. 

the comment sends you spiraling, hands instinctively shielding your face so he wouldn’t see how flustered you were. between your thighs, your clit throbs, and you desperately wanted him to take care of it.

you prayed and hoped to whatever god that existed that he wouldn’t notice the wet spot that was pooling in your underwear. if he kept up the messaging and the comments, it was bound to be visible on your shorts. 

“hiding, are we? don’t be afraid, little dove. i’ve done my research. you’ve made comments about me on your social media.”

“i was sixteen!” you groan, burying your face even deeper, “fuck, fuck, fuck. this is so embarrassing. i should have wiped everything before i started racing.”

“some new accounts wouldn’t have hurt,” despite your embarrassment, he’s gentle, carefully tending to your sore muscles, “after that race, i’m not shocked at how tense you are.”

“are you actually proud of me or are you just saying these things so i’ll join your little team.”

“i’m actually proud,” one hand continues massaging, while the other finds your temple, attempting to separate your hands from your face, “can you look at me?”

hesitantly, you lower your hands. as you do so, toto’s lips curl into a grin, “there she is.”

his eyes search yours momentarily, and you feel the urge to cover your face once more. but you don’t, allowing him to look. you can’t quite put your finger on what he was searching for, but you catch the glint in his eyes. 

it was simply admiration. drinking in every little part of you. memorizing every little freckle, every lash, every little detail that defined your features. 

reaching out, his thumb traces along your jawline, trailing upwards to your cheek. you nearly collapse under the gentle touch, every fiber in your being screaming to maintain your composure. 

“such a beautiful girl,” toto whispers, his voice so low you could barely hear it, “why don’t you want to be with me at mercedes?”

“i made a commitment,” you affirm, your heart nearly stopping as toto leans in, “i don’t break my promises.” 

“and i am a man of my word. i’ll make you a world champion, schatz.” 

your lashes flutter as his thumb caresses your cheekbone, “aren’t you a married man, toto?”

“that’s what you’re worried about?” a light chuckle flows from his lips, “i’m trying to make you the deal of a lifetime and you’re fretting over whether or not i’m a married man?”

your breath hitches in your throat as he leans in even more, the tip of his nose brushing against yours, “this is wrong.”

“join me at mercedes,” toto murmurs, lips ghosting over yours, “please, be my world champion.”

“do you have a crush on me, mr. wolff?”

there’s a noise that rumbles in his throat. it’s guttural, almost animalistic, “crushes are for children. let’s just say i’ve had my eye on you for some time.”

“how long have you had your eye on me?”

“so many questions, schatz,” toto tuts, your heart races as his hand wanders, finding your thigh, “what is it going to take to make you mine? i am not one to beg, but i am starting to think i just may have to.”

you stutter as his thumb inches towards your inner thigh, tracing small circles, “i-i just need some time to think about it. there’s so much at stake here, and it’s just so overwhelming.”

“what can i do to help ease that stress?” toto shifts his body, making his way to the floor, “tell me what i need to do.” 

the temperature of the room skyrockets as he gets on his knees, situating himself between your legs. his hands, oh so warm, grip your thighs. 

the austrian presses soft kisses all over, earning a mewl from you. as you squirm, you can feel him grin against your heated skin as he stops momentarily, looking up at you. 

fuck, was he as gorgeous as ever, sitting between your thighs. brunette strands fell perfectly in his face, framing it just right. in the dim light, you notice the pink hue dusting his cheeks. his lips are plush, and you fight the urge to kiss him right there, but you hold back. 

licking his lower lip, his eyes are darkened, consumed by lust, “tell me baby, what do you want? how can i help put your mind at ease? you’re practically dripping right now. do you want me to take care of you?”

“oh fuck,” you’re nearly breathless, “i – yes. please.”

“i’ll pamper you baby,” toto’s breath fans against your thigh, “you just have to promise me something.”

“and that is?”

“you’ll seriously consider my offer. i’ll expect a decision by miami,” he snaps out of his lust-filled trance for just a second, “i mean that. you will need to find me in miami and tell me what you decide. in-person. nothing over text or social media. i can’t wait around for you forever, schatz. i am going to have to consider my other options if you don’t give me a clear answer.”

“that’s not enough time–” you protest, yet your swiftly interrupted by his lips colliding with yours. 

the kiss is fiery, nearly sweeping you off the couch. his lips mold with yours, one hand remaining on your thigh while the other wraps around the base of your neck, bringing you even closer to him. a soft moan rises in your throat as his tongue finds yours, fingers delving into the waistband of your shorts.

“so beautiful,” he pants against your lips, “so, so, so beautiful. so wet for me. fuck. i do this to you?”

“yes,” you nod, “i’ve been wet since you walked in the door.”

the confession sends toto reeling, the austrian nearly losing control in that moment. his grasp on your neck tightens ever so slightly, his breathing ragged. 

he had you exactly where he wanted you. 

ever since it was announced that you were joining the world of formula one as a driver for williams racing, toto was determined to have you on his team. he was not lying when he said that you were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. while he tried to play it off, the team principal had a significant crush on the williams driver. 

the moment he saw that photo of you shaking james hand, he knew he was a goner. 

not only were you absolutely stunning, someone with a gift like yours needed to be put on a pedestal. and fuck, was he so frustrated when he couldn’t sign you. at the time, mercedes was full. he had lewis and george, who were oh so talented. 

of course, the team principal needed to determine whether he was simply acting on his own attraction, or if this would be a good business venture. mercedes had maintained a decent reputation. there were a few fuck-ups through the years, but nothing so significant it ruined his career. 

however, the decision to sign you to mercedes may ruin his career. he knew if he signed you, he would not be able to keep things professional. he would want you every day, every hour, every minute, every second you were around him. he would crave to just fuck you every chance he got. and if a single soul got wind of that? he would be done for. he knew he would be let go immediately. 

yet, that was the least of his worries. 

now, his priority was taking you in, bringing you home to mercedes. although he couldn’t quite put his finger on it, he knew you would shine if you went to mercedes. you would shine like the sun. 

you would be formula one’s golden girl. 

finally, after all of those weeks of pining after you, after his attempt to flirt with you in monaco, all of those stolen glances, after all fighting all of those urges to just corner you in your paddock one day and lose all of his inhibitions, confessing every sin that ran rampant in his mind. 

you were right here. and you were beneath him, so breathtaking and innocent. 

you were an angel. 

his angel. 

“the things i would do to you right now–”

a series of knocks rings through the space, so crisp and sharp.

“hey, it’s daniel! can we talk?”

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thank you so much for reading! please let me know if you would like to be tagged for future chapters! <3

[leonsdolly]

Wicked Game

Leon Kennedy x fem! reader

Synopsis: Leon leaves you for her, and you're not sure what to do now.

CW: nsfw 18+, infidelity, angst, suicidal thoughts, comparing yourself to her, masturbation, mentions of p in v

WC: 1.5k

“What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you…” You murmur along to the melancholy words that are floating around your room like butterflies. Actually, more like flies nearing the end of their life span - movement transitioning from an erratic flight to a lazy, almost purposeless dwindle until they’re on their backs with their legs sticking up in the air. That’s exactly how you are now that Leon’s done with you. A dead fly - no one could save me but you. Chris Isaak gets it. He gets it so well that he’s been looping for God knows how long.

Was it only last week that Leon left you for the ghost from his past? The one in red, haunting him in ways that you were oblivious to. Always bleeding red, like Bloody Mary or something. Maybe it was better if you’d feigned ignorance to the evidence. Maybe you’d still be able to call him yours if you played your role of a cross-eyed Mary jumping right into his arms with no protests, always playing it clean.

It was all because of a letter that was carefully tucked away in his desk drawer, folded and sealed with a kiss. No, literally a kiss. The bitch left her lipstick imprint in lieu of her signature. YSL, shade R1. You’d always been a Dior girl anyway. 

You swore up and down that you weren’t purposely snooping through his belongings, that you were just looking for Scotch tape. The offensive document shook in your hand as you fearfully inquired about its contents. He was stuttering and ashamed and apologetic and all the things a good man is when he’s sinned. He let you cry and scream and sink to your knees with your head in your hands like you were never going to come back up, like you could die in this position and be encased in marble. A new weeping angel.

You know in your heart that you could never equate to her in his eyes. The knowledge that he’s probably been comparing you to her throughout your relationship makes you so damn ill. Maybe you should slit your own throat in front of him and let the crimson flow over your body so you can match with her. Bleeding red all over the place, letting him see nothing but that cursed color, the way he did all those years ago in the city where it all started. The way he’d still continued to do so after meeting you and promising all sorts of things you weren’t accustomed to hearing. You suppose you can’t fault him completely, it wasn’t like he intended on hurting you; he’d tried to overcome his adversities and forge a new home for himself, one that was pink and frilly and covered him in glossy kisses after a long day at work. But ultimately, it wasn’t enough. His allegiance lay with first red, then white, then blue. 

You just miss him so damn much. You’re desperate enough for him that if he were to walk through the door right now, you’d take him back in a heartbeat. Sure, maybe you’d have difficulty meeting his eyes for a while, deep pools, murky with guilt and who knows what else. Your vision would be limited to the freckles on his neck, the ones resembling a vampire bite, but that’s alright with you. You’re familiar with the area, having kissed it so many times. You shouldn't be thinking about those little spots or anything else about him for that matter. He made his bed, and now he has to lie in it. With her. Pressed up against her with his face tucked into the crook of her neck. Oh God, now you're the one seeing red. Is there really such a thing as a red string tying two people together, keeping them bound for eternity? Hopefully not, because you're nauseous at the concept that it's always been her. She was right there beside his former bright eyed and bushy-tailed self, the version that had a vague understanding of how the world worked, before he was your solemn Leon. They trudged through the abyss together, leaning on one another for strength in the midst of a plague. You wish God would just deliver armies of locusts to devour you and him and her and the rest of the world. The end is here anyway now that he isn’t. 

Your last memory of him is that pitiful look in his eyes as he gazes at you one more time. You said I was your baby. He said a lot of things, promised you the world, and look how things turned out. It’s sickening really, how cruel fate can be. Was this fate? You’re going to tie their disgusting red string around your neck and squeeze until your head pops off like a rocket. A blazing glory, capable of stealing his attention.

The thoughts of needing to be better so that he’d be with you again swirls around in your brain, filling up your entire being until you can’t bear it any longer. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to put a ring on your finger and give you his babies and hold you close on your deathbed. Your hand twitches, muscle memory activated from all the times you slipped your hand into his, anchoring you to him. I’m so sorry… Ada and I… We’ve been through a lot together. You can’t take this anymore. But I love you more than anything in the whole world… How am I supposed to live without you? He never did give you a proper response to that, silence encompassing the air between you.

You shuffle to the bottom drawer of your dresser and fish out a wrinkled shirt that had been shoved towards the very back, away from prying eyes - navy blue with the letters “RPD” emblazoned in white across the front. You slip it on and inhale the fabric draped over your frame, protecting you, hugging you as you crawl back into your bed. His arms really were the loveliest place to be. Firm and gentle, wrapped around your torso like your very own bullet vest. Shielding you from horrors you would never have to experience, he’d make sure of that. Or at least he had, anyway. His lingering scent fills your senses like whispers in an abandoned chapel. Something familiar, a sense of comfort in your hollowed out state. It takes over your grief for a second, and when you shut your eyes tight, everything is alright again.

You yearn to hold onto this feeling, but it dissipates once your eyes open, and you're isolated yet again. Your bottom lip trembles as you squeeze your eyes shut as hard as you can, gripping onto the hem of his shirt. His arms are around you again, and the smell of him is welcomed. It elicits a natural response from your body, begging for his touch, forming a silent prayer to any divinity who will listen. Your thighs involuntarily part as you reminisce on the feeling of his face in between them, tongue lapping at everything you have to offer. Whimpers fall from your lips as your other hand travels down to slowly stroke your clit the way he used to do it. There’s my baby. You’re his baby, still so good for him. You rub your clit faster and faster as the hand that was clutching onto his shirt for dear life comes up to squeeze your tits and pinch your nipples. 

You realize that tears have been running down your flushed cheeks as you grind down onto your fingers faster in an effort to chase your high. Just like that… Sweet baby, my sweet baby. 

He's probably fucking her at this exact moment. Cock buried miles deep inside her perfect cunt, perky tits bouncing at every thrust while she moans for him. You’re going to blow your brains out. What kind of sounds does she make when she’s getting the railing of a lifetime? Something more refined than your own little whines. Is she kissing those precious freckles on his neck, giving them all the attention they could ever ask for as he lets out his own delicious noises? You weep as you continue to rub your clit while slick leaks from your neglected pussy, begging for only him to fill it up.

You’re sobbing as you feel the release building up in your core, and you're bawling as you feel your pussy clamp around the ghost of his cock. You let out a cry of both pleasure and agony as you frantically cum all over your fingers. My perfect baby.

Shallow pants escape you as you simply lay motionless, eyes trained fixedly on the ceiling of your melancholy prison. You shakily bring your other hand up to wipe away the tears that have forged new paths for themselves on your cheeks and down to your pillowcase. I love you. You’ll always be my girl.

This world is only gonna break your heart. How are you supposed to live without him? Nobody loves no one. Chris Isaak needs to shut up.

[letternotekisses]

GAHHHHH THE LAST REAPER ONE HAD MY EYES PISSING FOR SOME REASON!? Love the nsfw slowburn and angst from that one. Can I kindly request for more?c:

Also cuz I don’t think I have seen that before on your blog could we get maybe a Bw!Gabe version with miss sunshine assistant this time?c: If u dont do the older timelines i would be also happy with grumpy reaps<3 love ur writing style btw u write all of the man so well wtf I’m addicted 😭

(18+mdni) anon u cutie<3 im hungover and gave my hand a try at bw reyes for the 1st time so im so sorry if its bad!

Reyes figured you were a plant, at first.

A little spy sent from Jack to gather up parts of intel that the golden boy of Overwatch could stick his nose into, to publicise the parts Reyes would rather stay hidden. And it was just like Morrison to send him someone so sweet and unassuming under the pretence of 'extra help', someone who'd bring him coffee with no complaints and organise his files with a smile. Someone to take some of that weight from his shoulders. It took a long time for Gabriel to even look in your direction at first, and even longer for him to start giving you any tasks.

(Although, that was partly your own doing. You'd stormed into his office one day when you were assured that he had no more meetings, jabbing a finger into the solid wall that was chest as you heatedly told him off over his flippant treatment towards you. Where Gabe then realised you were in fact not a honeypot, and rather just a very passionate young woman who wants to do her job. He let you chastise him until you were panting softly, where he then calmly asked you to make him a coffee, which had you thanking him in a tone almost too aggressive to be anything other than exasperatedly pleased. It was a slow start, but a start nonetheless.)

As much as he hated it, Gabriel soon came to rely on you for things. You knew every aspect of his schedule, knew how dark he took his coffee and even knew how to handle Genji and Cassidy when they started another stupid bet that had the vein in his forehead ready to burst. Gabe had become sickeningly attached to your presence at his side, clipboard in hand and an excited lilt in your voice for the day ahead. So bright eyed and bushy tailed it made him run hot with want and sick with guilt because he feared that Blackwatch would ruin you, and yet, he didn't want you to go.

And the threat of Jack plucking you back up and off to Overwatch still looms over him thickly like a storm cloud, has him drawn tight and stiff with uncharacteristic stress because he knows its something Jack can hold over his head, something he'd beg for like a dog, too.

You're too good for him and Reyes knows it. Too soft, sweet and kind compared to someone like him who runs with fire in his blood and stress hard wired in, and yet you're always there to pick up the pieces in a way that's well past professional. Letting him fuck your throat and use your mouth in in one of the many storage closets littering the hallways, in a slow stretch that makes pretty tears glitter in your eyes and has him whispering through grit teeth about how much of a good girl you are for helping him melt away some of that stress. Has him holding your hair back in a firm and tender grasp, thumbing your forehead like you were lovers.

In which, a part of him would like to be. He'd like to bring you back to his bed and tell you between breathy whispers that he loves you. To promise a ring around your finger between each slow thrust that has you gasping into his tan skin, scratching at his weathered back and whimpering his name. You're his in every way but that and it eats him from the inside out, tears his heart out his chest and eats it right in front of him because Gabriel knows he can't tether you to a man like him.

A man that isn't quite so human, something's hollow and missing and he plugs it with anger so white-hot that it fries him up inside. Time is running out and you know you're in danger by his side but you do it anyway. Gabriel knows that losing you means the world will have to burn and it makes something dark and smoky billow in his chest.

And after the Venice incident, he starts to feel that heat creep up behind him.

[akingdomscrypt]

War is Over (and what have we done?)

Part Five

Paring; Graves x m!reader (slow burn)

WC; ~8.8k

Summary; where was Graves in all those months he was gone? What brought him back?

Warnings; just some general internal turmoil, brief imagery of death, implied human trafficking when including the context of past chapters, a lot of self doubt/feelings of betrayal. Tame compared to my usual stuff tbh

A/n; I hate dialogue. Also the moon phase mentioned in the beginning is what it would have been in-game for that mission too :3

---"And I'll crawl home to him"---

You arrive a few hours later, according to the ticking clock above the bed—knife still embedded into the plastic face and all, he hadn't bothered to remove it, even after all this time—and at that point Phil had started to believe Venn had chickened out. That, or she just didn't bother telling you.. perhaps she had forgotten. All were of an extremely low probability. He should know better by now than to doubt her.

Even now, only a few weeks later. You looked so.. so drastically different. Phil takes stock, compares your current form from when he had last seen you all those weeks ago—had it been weeks? Phil didn't even know what day it was.

Drifting. Up, down, and across every inch of your concealed form. Something foreign pulls at the hardened strings of his heart—strands of silk toughened up by years upon years of repressed emotion and poorly dealt hands—at the sight of you. Standing tall and confident, as if he can't see the strain buried in your shoulders from the effort of holding yourself up, keeping yourself from crumbling to dust right before his eyes. And he swears you've lost weight, a noticeable difference in the amount of muscle mass wrapped around your bones, even under all that clothing.

When his gaze meets yours, taking a peek into the torn and frayed patchwork of your soul, all he can feel is the stinging reminder of you wishing him dead. Telling him you'd hoped he'd died all those months back; suffocated by his own lungs.

And it's like the past decade of getting to know you, watching you open up, never happened. Wound so tightly, that all that progress is dumped right down the drain; he isn't sure if he'd ever be able to tear down those walls again. Not this time. He scrambles brick by brick to reach the top, but you're too fast, replacing those crumbling stacks with bolts and iron at an alarming rate.

He can't see over the wall anymore, it's too high to reach, too steep to climb. And he fears he may never have the honor of reaching that softer center ever again, barred by thick metal and scathing words.  

“You wanted to see me?” Hell… you even sound different. Cool and collected on the surface, but there's an edge there that tells Phil you're not as put together as you are trying to appear to be.

“I did.” But now that you're here, he can't remember the script he'd spent the last week constructing, so delicately, in his mind.

“Well,” you drawl, lifting your arms and gesturing widely. Dropping back down to your sides with a dull smack. “I'm here.”

Are you? Phil doesn't think so. Not really.

Your eyes are the only thing on display, and just a year ago Phil wouldn've prided himself in the fact that he could read you so well. But not anymore. 

He can't see that lighthouse shining through, guiding him through the night. There's nothing there. The lamp has run out of oil, and the keeper died months ago.

You're right here, and yet Phil has never found you to be so out of reach. 

Who would've thought; his savior, and the one who had damned him to the fiery pits of hell, were both the same man. It felt almost poetic.

Phil thinks he had made peace with his death. Sure, this hadn't been what his younger self had imagined when the topic of death was brought up; still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, believing himself to be near invincible. 

He had never been particularly religious, even after being forced to sit in those church pews and listen to some old man drone on and on about shit his child brain didn't care to make sense of. Bored out of his mind, but only sitting still, behaving, because doing the opposite meant taking over his younger sister's chores for the rest of the day. 

Phil still couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, this was some sort of fucked-up retribution or some shit like that. Paying for the sins he'd committed within his lifespan, and so on.

And he wasn't just speaking of the blood that permanently stained his hands, no, he was thinking of you. Always you. 

You and those endless pools of warmth that made up your eyes, always a slight glimmer in them when you looked his way. You and those rough, work-hardened hands, always so soft and gentle when you handled him. Like he was something delicate, something to be cherished and protected. Him the altar and you the devoted worshiper knelt before him, praying for the mercy of a god who never answered your calls. 

And that laugh. Like nothing else he had experienced before, a blessed thing he was granted the honor of witnessing. Of having directed his way. So rare, but so carefully captured and sealed away in Phil's heart when he heard its boisterous sound. 

The main reason Phil had never really connected with the religion he was raised into was, even though they were the same people who preached about community and loving thy neighbor and whatever the hell, they were also the kind to shun and exile those they deemed unworthy. Those who didn't fit into the cookie cutter shapes chosen for them before they'd even taken their first breath. 

He had completely dismissed his family's religion entirely when, after one of the members of his church discovered him getting a bit too cuddly—nothing more than an innocent hug that lasted a few seconds longer than it should—with one of his male classmates, they were outcast from the very same church he'd practically grown up in. And Phil would forever be thankful for having parents who stuck up for him to the very end, he doesn't think he'd ever seen his dad so thoroughly pissed off than when going after a churchgoer who'd slung a few cruel choice words at a younger Phil. 

And Phil can't help but feel he knew this was how it would end when he made the decision; like some cruel method of justice.

So, while he no longer considered himself aligned with any specific religion, Phil still held onto that deep-rooted fear of something. Of damnation and redemption. And in that moment, as his heart began to slow and stutter in his chest, when his head felt too heavy to hold up, and the simple task of breathing caused his chest to burn, he did something he hadn't done since middle school. Something he never thought he'd do again.

He yearned for forgiveness; begged and pleaded until black swallowed up his vision whole.

Phil doesn't remember when the world had gone dark; doesn't think he had even fought against the pull. Willingly, had he responded to the siren's call through the waves crashing in his ear, a sound so alluring he would never even consider resisting, one that held a certain likeness to your voice. 

What he does remember is the sudden gulps of stinging ash in his lungs, shocking his system into alertness, and the touch of oddly cool hands pulling at his shoulders. Hard, sandy earth beneath him, but he can't look up, can't peel his eyelids open and take a glance at his savior when those hands disappear. Only to wrap a pair of arms snug around his waist and continue dragging him over jagged stones and bits of metal.

It's not until Phil abruptly feels a lot cooler than he did moments ago that he's finally able to force his eyes open, a gasping breath kick-starting his heart back into motion. 

And when he looks up, dazed and more than a little out of it, what he sees nearly steals his breath away once again. 

Smoke wafting off your uniform in waves, dancing with the remaining embers still shining bright in a sea of black like stars in a night sky. It should be terrifying, but it's not.

Because Phil cannot see how the material clings unnaturally to your body, his brain is too fogged up still to notice the torn patches in your clothing. Blood stains the dark fabric into a deeper shade, trickling from gouges in your skin and dripping onto his. 

All he sees is that perfect, unmarred face of yours. Mask pulled down and out of the way as you pant for breath; the flesh warmed a more intense reddish tone than usual, but Phil didn't register that, unable to yet comprehend that what was once untouched would soon become scarred and disfigured within the next few hours.

And with the setting sun positioned behind you, glowing almost like an angel's halo to frame your head, he had never been so enraptured by the sight of you as much as he was in that moment.

It's clumsy and uncoordinated, taking a few tries to even get the limb to function, but he manages. Reaching up to gently cup the jaw of his savior, his guardian angel, to feel that familiar warmth against his skin.

Only to have his wrist snatched out of the air by your still gloved hand, the hold a little tighter than normal, held for a second before being dropped carelessly onto his chest. And Phil doesn't have the energy to lift it again. 

“You breathin', sir?” Comes your once angelic voice, now sounding like someone had shoved a saw blade down your throat; scratchy and not at all the soothing rumble he was used to, a strange shiver alighting his nerves at the sound. 

All Phil can muster up is a strained, grunt-like sound in response. But that seems to be more than enough for you as you stand back up from your crouched position, sigh, and look over the ruined training grounds. 

There's a hard set to your jaw, and Phil begins to feel something akin to fear. An emotion he doesn't think he could recall ever feeling around you if he tried. 

“Good enough.” You huff, leaning back down to wrap your strong arms around his waist. Dragging him like a ragdoll to a more secluded, out-of-the-way spot just outside the remains of the designated training area. 

He can't fight it, can bring himself to move or speak or do much of anything, really. Laying limp in your hold and letting himself be hauled away.

Phil considers that whatever method of exfil you had prepared must be this way. He doesn't remember making any plans like that with you and the others. But why else would you take him here?

Those hopes are crushed when you prop him against a fallen log, the remains of Alejandro's base now just barely out of sight, then pull away.

“This should be fine,” you mumble to yourself, cold gaze studying him briefly before darting back to where you two had come from. “Mhm. They shouldn't patrol this far.”

“-nant?-” Crackles through your radio before Phil can muster the energy to ask you what you meant by that. The feed is distorted, the device had probably been damaged sometime during the fight, but it's clearly a panicked voice speaking on the other end. “-Lieu-en-t? Are- y- there? Pha-nt-m?-” 

“2-3,” you respond, voice level. “I'm here. Problem?” 

“-N-o, no problems, sir-” Kip, 2-3, says. A little calmer now that he has heard your voice. Phil watches the scene through blurry eyes. “-We got- he's- Viper is stable-”

“For now.” You mutter bitterly, switching the radio back on to reply with, “Give me a sit-rep, 2-3.” 

“-V-enn’s got ‘em lo-aded up-” a pause. “-a quarter left, sir.” 

A quarter left. Even in Phil’s muddled up state, he knows what that means. It meant three-quarters of the soldiers he had taken with him were dead. Too many to feasibly count. So many bodies left unidentified, in enemy territory. 

“-How-re yo-u and the- c-mander, Lt.?-” Phil would've said something if he could. But his vocal cords are paralyzed and his tongue feels like it's constructed of pure lead. 

“I’m breathing.” You joke, your slight amusement is obvious even in such a bland tone. At least to Phil it is. 

“A-nd,” if Kip notices, he doesn't mention it. “-and the commander?”

You spare one glance down at his slumped, barely breathing form, gaze shut-off and distant, and a cavernous pit of dread opens up in Phil's stomach.

“KIA.” You grunt, eyes narrowing down at Phil. And he may as well be, to have you look at him like that.

Kip doesn't respond and you click your radio off. And it's as easy as that, as if Phil, your co-founder, your friend, you lover, meant nothing to you. 

You turn and leave, and Phil doesn't even possess the ability to call your name.

The next time he wakes, Phil doesn't think he's been colder in his damn life. And he's done his time in deep dive operations in the frigid hellscape that is the wilderness of remote foreign bases just past the Bering Sea.

It's dark, stars and the illumination of the moons’ waxing gibbous all the man has to light his way. 

For a prolonged moment Phil doesn't even consider pushing himself up from his current pathetic, slumped over position against the decaying log. Would it even be worth it? He had nothing but the singed clothes on his back to call his own, not a weapon he can use in sight. Not even a pocket knife up his sleeve or a heart nestled in his ribcage. 

Phil has experienced his own fair share of betrayal within his lifetime; ranging from small, nonsense instances with his little sister, to slightly bigger ones like with the church; then there were the more prominent, glaring ones that stuck out like a sore thumb. From before he started this damn company, freshly enlisted, and only a year later when he met you.

With shitty, high ranked officers who didn't give a single fuck about what happened to him or his squad—not that that had changed much after being taken under the watchful eye of General Shepard. Freezing to death in bumfuck nowhere Russia, or nearly drowning in the middle of the goddamn Atlantic Ocean. 

You had been there for every single one. Such a constant in his life; a steady, unmovable force by Phil's side no matter what happened. Even before he'd fallen for you, before you became more than just a friend. Like two peas in a pod, you two.

There was no you without him, and vise versa, the soldiers you two worked with knew it too. They were always sure to throw in a teasing jab now and again, asking the typical “trouble in paradise?”, when you were spotted away from each other for more than a few hours.

So forgive Phil for being a bit melodramatic, because, out of all the people on this godforsaken planet, he never expected such a thing from you. 

Maybe he should have. He wouldn't be on the verge of catching fucking hypothermia in the middle of nowhere in a foreign country.

Phil tries to think back, to push past the pounding in his skull to recall even a moment that would have given away some sort of clue to your betrayal before it happened. Maybe he could've prevented it if he had just looked closer. 

But no. There's nothing. If anything, Phil recalls you being a bit more.. clingy, before this whole thing started. In your own way, of course; he's pretty sure you would rather be caught dead than let someone catch you hugging him or, heaven forbid, holding his hand. 

Your neediness manifested in standing just close enough to him that any shift in stance or movement caused your shoulders to brush together; getting up in his personal space and staying there. 

Maybe that was it? Maybe you had been so unusually affectionate because you'd planned on betraying him. And Phil was just too blinded by the sudden influx of your undivided attention to see it; he's starting to consider that that may have been your intention all along.

To distract him with your attention, to hide your true intentions under the guise of gentle words and adoring eyes. 

Phil gives it a few more minutes, shivering his ass off against that damn log, before he finally gives in and decides to stand. He wasn't dead—yet—and by staying he was nothing more than a sitting duck in shark infested waters—which was a weird saying, wasn't it; how could the waters be infested when that was a shark's natural habitat? 

Traveling under the blanket of night provided him with the highest chances of survival, even if it meant he was constantly on the verge of freezing to death. Under the dark, star speckled sky, he was, for the most part, safe from the prying eyes of enemy soldiers. It would be much more difficult for them to spot him under the protection of a waxing moon than, say, the full, all-encompassing concentrated power of the fucking sun. 

So he gets his hands under himself, weakened arms trying their damnedest to force him to his feet. Phil takes a moment, leaning against a strong, tall tree that was luckily rooted right beside its fallen brethren. 

The last time he had put anything in his stomach was yesterday (?) morning before they had been so rudely interrupted by the 141 boys knocking on their—or, really, not theirs at all—front door. And after an afternoon like that, all his energy was beyond drained. It's a surprise Phil was still standing—not that he was exactly doing a very good job at that—, though, to be fair, he wasn't new to going lengths of time without proper sustenance. It was a byproduct of the job, of the life he led, after all.

Phil can't do anything to rectify his current hunger right now, so he has no choice other than start getting some miles between himself and the wrecked base next door.

Signing, he looks down, spotting a small dagger lodged into the tree he'd been resting against before. Huh, at least you hadn't left him completely defenseless. 

Knife secured in his boot, Phil begins the long trek to who knows where. It's not like he could just make his way back to company HQ, now could he? Not when it was so damn clear he was an unwanted face there. 

The chipped watch on his wrist reads o-five-hundred, giving him about an hour until sunrise. Phil has already made pretty good progress, if he did say so himself. And the Vaqueros base has long since faded from his view; leaving Phil to now wander aimlessly through the harsh Mexican terrain; traversing over dry, crumbling rocks through a sparse forest, avoiding sudden drop offs and twisted roots on wobbly legs. 

Phil had detoured around the broken city of Las Almas, a certain brand of discomfort crawling up his spine and settling heavy across his shoulders at the mere thought of passing through the ruined city. The barest glimpses of it he'd gotten bore the harsh reality of cobblestone roads still bathed in watery crimson, the familiar color splattered over everything within reach; streaked over stone walls and staining the clothes of bodies still laying cold, face-down in the streets. 

One look at the carnage left behind and he'd nearly doubled over from the sheer force of the sudden churning of his stomach. Expelling the bile building at the back of his throat would only end in the burning of his esophagus from his empty, acid-filled belly. There were likely valuable resources left behind in the town, something to aid him in his solo travels, but he quickly dismissed the idea at the sight.

He'd rather skip this city and continue to walk with nothing to his name but the clothes on his body and the knife in his boot then be forced to face that massacre. 

Phil hopes, come morning, the very same people he'd stabbed in the back take the time to ghost over the town and dispose of the mess he'd left behind. To reap the souls of those innocent civilians and treat their bodies with much kinder hands than his own Shadows had. 

Phil was really getting tired of waking up to people dragging his ass around. 

Well, judging by the way, at least this time around, there were no sharp rocks digging into his spine and the fact that this ride was.. quite bumpy, it appeared Phil was being carried this time. What an improvement. 

And while he should probably be very concerned as to who, or what, exactly, is carrying him from point A—aka, where he'd likely had passed out again—to point B, the man can't bring himself to care. He doesn't have the energy for it.

Instead, he's in a bit of a daze. Wondering how in the everloving fuck this damn country jumped from near freezing in the night, to scorching hot temperatures that could rival the damn devil. All Phil remembers leading up to this is him cursing the damn sun with his whole chest, feeling like his freaking skin was melting off, then somehow finding himself face-down in the goddamn sand—when had he made it into the damn desert??

And now he was here. 

Being carried to God knows where, still sweating profusely under his clothes—how his body still had the capability to sweat when he was already so dehydrated, was beyond him—and too tired to do anything more than lay there. 

Phil must've drifted off again at some point, because when he wakes again he's no longer moving. Instead he's flat out on his back, a hard surface beneath him not unlike the old bunks he'd slept on when he was a newbie, and his entire body feels like one giant ass bruise. An all encompassing ache that traveled from the base of his skull to the tips of his toes—as if, now that he was finally resting, his entire body had collectively agreed to seek revenge on his overused muscles.

Distantly, he can hear the chatter of a man and a woman speaking in hushed voices, muttered Spanish drifting from somewhere to his left. 

Every instinct that had been ingrained into him screams at Phil to launch himself up and either attack or make a run for it. He does neither, too exhausted to even move or open his eyes, much less to try and stand. 

He ends up dancing on the fine line between consciousness and slumber while the two strangers talk, presumably, about him. Lingering in that peculiar space where you're not quite awake, but you're not sleeping either; able to hear and feel, but not aware enough to get up and move. 

Phil chose to use that time to attempt to listen in, see what all, if any, of the words he could catch. He wasn't going to pretend to know more than he did, as Phil really only knew the more simple Spanish phrases from his time in highschool when it was a required course. He picks up the usual filler words, a few pronouns, something that sounds much like ‘the American’, and the suppressed voices briefly increasing in volume, rushed, before quieting. Then silence.  

With nothing to stimulate his brain, Phil once again falls into a fitful rest. 

Power? Is that what this had been about? In all the years Phil has known you, he never would've thought of you as the type. But could that have been what you were after the entire time? And all these years you were just biding your time, waiting for the best time to strike. 

How could he have been so blind, how did he not see this coming? The person closest to him, a man who knew more about Phil than any single other person to exist. He should've seen this miles away before it hit him like a fucking freight train.

This is why you had to turn on others before they had the chance to flip the blade on you first—a lesson Phil had learned oh-so long ago. After all this time, how the hell had he forgotten that?

Which is why, the second Phil has the capacity to, he bolts upright and does his best to regain his bearings. A little dizzy, body shaky, limbs trembling from a lack of nutrients, but no longer in the fetal position at least. As aware as he physically can be. 

Somewhere between blinking away the blur obscuring his vision and forcing himself into a fully seated position, Phil hears the two voices again

Faint at first. Then growing louder. Closer. 

Phil's eyes, still unfocused, dart around his surroundings.

A room. Closed off with only one door, and a window too small for his body. Below him is some sort of flimsy cot placed in the corner furthest from the exit, one that's metal frame squeals with the slightest movements.

Getting distinct now, one woman and one man, just as before. 

Phil's hand shoots down, patting his boot; heart rate skyrocketing when the man realizes the knife is missing. His crutch, the only thing he'd possessed to defend himself beyond his own bare hands. It was gone.

They'd taken it from him. 

Closer, closer, closer still. The door opens, hinges creaking as a tall, heavy set man walks in; black, cropped hair and a well kept mustache are the first things he notes. And Phil can immediately tell that, even if he were standing, there's no way this guy wouldn't tower over him. 

That is a problem. Not because Phil hasn't taken on much large men than himself, but because he usually managed such a feat when fully put together and decidedly not when half-starved, dehydrated, and barely conscious. 

While the man approaches Phil with a certain air of caution, the woman, on the other hand, stays behind. Leaning against the doorframe, watching.

But not afraid, no, there's nothing to hint at fear in her intense gaze. Long, dark hair pulled up and tied in loose updo, arms crossed tight over her chest, and mouth set into a firm line. And still she appears to be more curious, or concerned, than fearful; perhaps a bit heedful, but that's as far as it goes.

The man, surprisingly, seemed much more on guard than his counterpart. To be fair, and give the poor guy some credit, he was the one tasked with coming closer to Phil. And Phil, in all honesty, was not of the.. low-risk variety. 

Not that the two would know that, all identifying parts of his uniform were either torn or stained, but it's always safer to be wary of strangers. And given Phil's appearance—dirtied, bloody, and cowering like a caged animal ready to strike at any given moment—he obviously wasn't just some random guy who they'd stumbled upon.

Come to think of it, Phil wondered what they thought had happened to him, or why he was out there—wherever he was when they found him—in the first place. 

Beyond that, who were these people? Why did they bring him here, why not just leave him, a complete stranger and possible danger, where they'd found him instead of risking their lives carrying Phil to their home? At least they'd been smart enough to check him for weapons, for their sake.

Which begs the question; were these people just plain stupid, or did they trust enough in their own abilities to put him down if need be?

“So,” the man begins, now within a few feet of where Phil sits. Spine straight, chin lifted, and arms crossed much like his partner; posture firm, aiming to appear confident. “You military?”

Oh, what could have possibly given that away?

“Sorta.” Comes Phil's stilted reply. 

To Phil's great unsettlement, the man smiles. Only a tiny thing, a barely twitch at the corner of his mouth before it's gone. 

“Where am I?”

The man hesitates, and the woman chimes in with a few uttered words of Spanish again. 

“Not too far from the border, a few hours most.” when Phil doesn't respond, the man continues. “Name's Eric and this,” he tips his head slightly in the woman's direction. “Is my wife, Sofia. We have.. decided to help you back onto your feet.”

Another murmur, then Eric corrects with an, “if you want.” 

Lovely. Now it didn't sound as much like he was being held hostage.

“Y'all want to.. help me?” Phil asks, skeptical as he flicks his gaze between the two. Trying to decipher any double meaning, any sort of threat veiled under these too-good-to-be-true words. “...And why would you do that?” 

“My wife was a field medic, and me a soldier,” he begins. “We know what a person looks like wounded.. not only physically.” 

Oh, so they wanted to be some sort of great savior or some shit? Give Phil some weird form of therapy? He didn't need that, he didn't need anyone's pity. Especially not these strangers who knew absolutely nothing about him.

Eric must sense something off about him, because he immediately rushes to continue. “Like it or not, we are your best option. You go out there? Try to get home in the state you are in? You will die before the sun sets.” 

Phil wasn't quite sure he'd be opposed to that.. but the man had a point. He couldn't seek his revenge if he were dead, now could he?

“I won't stay long.” Phil asserts, sitting up a bit straighter with a challenging glint in his eye. 

“Of course not,” Eric agrees easily. “Just until you are better. Maybe a few days, yes?”

Phil shouldn't, he should get up, tell these people to go fuck themselves, and get as far away as he possibly can. Even if that means, come morning, he’ll have succumbed to the elements- “Okay.” 

“Okay.” Eric offers a smile and Phil isn't quite in his right mind, but he swears that man, this complete stranger, has some of the kindest eyes he's ever seen.

A few days turns into a month, and a single month becomes four. Phil learns a lot about the couple he's been staying with. 

Learns that Eric was telling the truth and that they both had met in the field; apparently the man had been outright refusing treatment so that his fellow soldiers could get it first, claiming it to be nothing more than a light scrap. According to Sofia—from what little Phil could gather with the language barrier; though narrowed eyes and flailing hands are pretty damn telling no matter the language, Phil supposed—it was most likely a lot worse than Eric let on. 

Only when Eric had conceded and pulled down the collar of his shirt to expose the long, jagged scar that began at just below his collar bones then traveled further, larger than the tugged down fabric could show, did Sophia give a satisfied hum. And Phil could tell from the gentle way she looked at Eric as he spoke, this woman wholeheartedly adored that man—he had to look away after a moment, feeling out of place, like Phil was intruding on something not meant for his eyes.

Phil also learns that the couple is very active in their little community, often volunteering for social events and making whatever donations they could to the local church, and more specifically the program involved directly in helping children in need. 

The two had discovered many years ago, after they left the service, that neither were capable of having children. And while it did put a strain on their relationship for some time, the couple loved each other too much to let that fact tear them apart. Instead, they dedicated their time and whatever leftover funds they had into helping provide for the few orphaned kids in the area. 

They even had some adopted children of their own, ones now grown and dispersed around the country; attending college and creating families of their own.

At some point, Phil had been baffled by how utterly good these people were, he couldn't believe how lucky he had been to be found by such genuinely kind people, ones who knew nothing of him or his crimes. They would hate him, surely, either cast him aside or turn him in to local authorities. Who would then hand him over to federal. 

He was a criminal on the run, something that had taken Phil a while to come to terms with. 

A thing he had realized on the very same porch steps he was setting on right now in month two. Eyes on the horizon as the hot, late spring sun faded in an array of nostalgic warm tones of red and orange, of yellow and pink. Dressed in clothing a few sizes too big; the ones he'd donned when he had arrived far beyond salvageable.

A small, child sized soccer ball rolls to his feet. Bumping against the toe of his boot, quickly followed by little feet stomping over to where Phil sat. Picking it up, Phil cradled the ball in his palm, offering it to the boy running over to him with a soft smile.

One of the orphaned kids; has a sister only a year younger than himself, something Phil knows not because the couple told him, but because he'd started doing some volunteer work himself—with Eric and Sophia’s encouragement. It helped keep his mind wonderfully empty, able to concentrate on the now rather than past or inevitable future. 

It also helped remind Phil why he'd even joined the military in the first place, what his younger self had aspired to be all those years ago. 

Phil had been able to reflect on a lot over these past seven months. Given the opportunity to think on why he did what he did, who he wanted to be. And, most importantly, you. 

After months upon months of denial, cursing your name before he went to bed each night. Reminded of you by the absence of a warm body curled up behind his own; the lack of a soft, rumbling voice murmuring a sleepy goodnight before you'd fall asleep with your face tucked away in the place between Phil's neck and shoulder. The gentle puffs of your breath ghosting over his skin and the secure weight of an arm draped over his waist, luring him to join you in the depths of dream land. 

Always making him feel so warm, so safe, in that perfect in between, just after the sun set and right before it rose again. For a few hours you were his. For a few fleeting hours he had you all to himself; he had someone. 

Someone more than the names of all the men he'd killed, ingrained permanently in his psyche no matter how hard he tried to ignore it; something more than a pen and himself up against stack after stack of paperwork containing nothing but political bullshit Phil couldn't care less about.

For that brief time Phil had belonged. 

But now.. now he had nothing. 

He wasn't a commander here, wasn't a soldier. Phil didn't have the responsibilities he'd had to manage back home at base anymore. He should probably be grateful, it was a stressful life.

But.. but he still wasn't quite.. anybody. He was nothing but the stranger who'd appeared in town out of nowhere. Who was silent and kept to himself, who barely even left the residence he'd been so lucky to be offered a place in. Not unless he was doing some volunteer work here and there.

He had nothing; he was nothing. Phil used to hold the reins of dozens who'd act solely with his interests at heart, and now he didn't even have an army to command. He wasn't anyone anymore. Not here.

At least, if he went back, he'd have something. Something more than this endless repetition of kindness he didn't deserve. You'd hate him, surely, after what he had done. 

To you, to your friends, family, fellow soldiers. Phil was supposed to be a leader, someone who those under his command looked to for guidance. Someone dependable, someone trustworthy.

It was, again, sometime ago on these same steps, where Phil had the grand revelation that maybe, just maybe, you hadn't betrayed him. You were just doing what you thought was best for yourself and the rest of the company. It was in everyone's best interest—except his. 

Phil had pushed you too far, stretched you too thin. Even though he knew how fragile delicate vulnerable-

Even though he knew damn well how you used to be, the cavernous depths of your own mind Phil had single-handedly had to drag you out of kicking and screaming several times over. 

Phil knew all of this, and yet he still did it. Never considered the consequences his actions would have on you—or the others, but you were more important—, never stopped to consider your own feelings on, well, anything. On what your opinions were for improving the company—even though you two had built it up from the ground up, together—, or what applications to accept, or whatever it was that you two had going on that was surely more than friends and co-founders did with each other.

He'd pushed and pushed and pushed- and Phil had broken you. 

Snapped you in two. 

So, at the very least, if he went back, Phil would have someone to hate him. Anything from you was better than being nothing. Even if it were hatred; he just needed to be someone again.

Just needed to belong.

“You can't stay here.”

Phil turns his head slowly, the sun now barely a sliver as darkness overtakes the sky. Stars begin to join the moon in illuminating the town.

“I'm sorry?” He asks, spotting Eric standing on the porch behind him. A somber sort of expression painting his features. 

Eric sighs, rocking on his feet briefly as his hands move to tuck into his pockets, seeking warmth as the lack of sunlight drops the temperature by several dozen degrees. 

“I don't mean- I am not kicking you out,” the man clarifies, looking off into the distance. A bittersweet smile gracing his lips. “But you are not happy here, are you?”

It's a rhetorical question, and Phil, too, turns away, looking back towards the sky, mouth pressed into a thin line. The sun had disappeared completely, and Phil instead looked to the moon.

Now a completely different phase from that fateful day where you'd abandoned left him against that log. So long ago, and yet Phil swore he could still smell the smoke burning his nostrils and scorching his throat. 

He was lucky to have not borne many scars from being trapped in that tank; he didn't want to know how you'd fared.

“You miss them.”

“What?” The words break Phil out of his trance, brows furrowing, but he doesn't turn back around.

“I don't know if it is a family or something else,” Eric continues. “But you miss them. This is not the life for you; you still carry that.. spirit I only remember having during my time in the army.”

“I can't go back.” 

“Because you think they will not take you?” 

“I,” Phil barks a hushed, humorless laugh. More of an exhale of air than everything, bitter and leaving a foul taste on his tongue. “I do not belong with them anymore, sir. They don't want me, I can promise you that.” 

“So grown,” Eric chides, coming to sit on the same step Phil was on. “And yet still so damn naive.” 

It's not cruel, but it does have Phil opening his mouth in protest, only to snap it back shut again with a huff.  

“You don't know what you're talking about.” He grits out, mouth forming a small pout, an ache of something opening up in his ribcage. A void, once full, overflowing, almost, but now so, so empty. Starving.

“Did you even consider, maybe,” Eric continues on with the same patience he'd had all those months ago. “..they miss you, too?”

Phil swears his heart stops just then, slow, stuttering to a halt before ba dum.. ba dum.. it gradually starts back up again. A frog leaped, lodging itself in his throat, suffocating him, echoing the beat of his heart. 

Eventually, he manages to croak out, “They don't.” 

“And how can you be so sure?” 

And Phil doesn't have anything to say to that, so he doesn't. Continuing to gaze up at the moon as if it held all the answers to his problems. Wondering if, maybe, you were looking up at it too.

“I will not pretend to know what you are going through,” Eric hesitates. “What you are running from. But.. but you cannot stay here, it's killing you. Sophia and I can both see it.” 

“With all due respect, sir,” Phil forces out. “you don't understand. He is stubborn, he is childish, and he is- he was. You wouldn't understand.”

“You are talking about this man like he's dead,” observant, are we? “And yet he is not, is he?”

You may as well be. “No.”

“Then maybe it's not too late.. maybe..”

Phil could feel hope sparking in his chest at the man's words, and he immediately crushed it between his fists. 

“It is.” Phil says, swallowing against the lump in his throat. “It is too late.”

A sigh. “But you're right. I can't stay.” 

The distant sound of a coyotes’ howl and the rustling of leaves fills the space between them as the conversation lulls to a stop. It's peaceful out here, much more so than any base Phil's stayed on, and even before that, far quieter than a house full of gentle chatter wafting in from the living room, or the sounds of childish glee from his sister's bedroom when she had a few friends over. Drifting down through thin but sturdy walls; both a perfect ambiance to listen to while he did his homework at the dining table. 

Nothing compared to the heartwarming sound of your laughter. Of your soft, rumbling voice; always so quiet, even when just chatting in his office or while overseeing the Shadows honing their skills in the courtyard. 

Quieter than his family, but louder than the silence between you two when you would give him the cold shoulder; a sea of rage hidden neatly within a show of blank stares and empty words.  

He misses you. 

You didn't do anything wrong. 

Why did he break you? When did he break you?

Was it just the incident all those months ago? When he'd forced you to shoot down people who, just the day before, Phil had told you to treat like family? Like brothers?

Or was it something far before that? Something you had been holding on to all this time; keeping caged within your heart instead of taking it out in him. 

He wishes you had taken it out on him. Maybe then he wouldn't be considered KIA by his own people, men and women and all alike, whom he—and you—had practically raised as his own?

Anyone who tried to proclaim that Phillip Graves didn't care about his soldiers, his Shadows, was just flat out wrong. A piece of his heart, of his soul, had been ripped out of him when one of his squads died in that botched mission Shepard had sent them on. Ambushed by Russian PMCs. Now that had been one very dreaded set of paperwork; writing down the names and cause of deaths for people who he knew, his friends. 

He hadn't even been able to tell their families what had happened to them when they came knocking on his door. No closure for any of those grieving relatives, phone calls day and night. Endless sobs and askings of why, why can't you? And my baby gave their life for your cause, but you can't even do me the honor of explaining why they're buried halfway across the world instead of with their family? 

“Where will you go?” Phil had been so lost in thought, he'd entirely forgotten Eric was still beside him. Five months ago and that would've never even been a possibility.

He was losing his touch. Would he even be useful back home? 

After all these months, surely not.

When the silence drags on a little too long to be comfortable, Phil murmurs a delicate, “I don't know..” then, “maybe I'll go back after all.” 

Phil does, in fact, not go back. 

Instead he finds himself staying at an apartment complex just a few cities away. Like a coward. 

Phil had left that night, before the sun rose again, and without saying goodbye to the couple who'd let him stay with them for a little over four months. He's only left a little note as thanks.

Also, like a coward. 

But Phil decided to embrace this sort of cowardice, at least for now. It's not that he couldn't just go over to the ol’ base, pop in and say hello to the people whose lives he had ruined- of course he could! 

He could do it right now if he wanted. He didn't want to. 

Phil could just pack up his shit—it had been fairly easy to retrieve his emergency fund, held in one of the many banks he had an account or two with; for security, of course—and skip over to that familiar town, take a few turns down some back roads and bam! Back home he would be.

Back home.

…

..would it still be home?

What if his Shadows hated him now? What if you'd turned them against him? Couldn't even stand the sight of him? Would they kill him then and there upon first sight? 

Or would they detain him, torture him maybe?

Either way, Phil couldn't risk it. It's been a few weeks since he left Sophia and Eric's residence, and he's no more motivated to go back to you his old stomping grounds today than he was all those months ago. 

He can't imagine which would be worse; seeing that look of disgust, of simmering hatred in the Shadows’ eyes or your own. 

Phil tries to keep his mind blissfully blank every moment of his waking hours. Preferring more to spend his time sleeping, but when he could not do so anymore, when his legs ached with the need to move and his stomach rioted in the name of it's hunger, he would have to get up. 

Reading, listening to a radio, sometimes even adding the background noise of the old TV in the corner of the living room whenever Phil needed to complete a simple task such as eating or another. 

As of right now, he was doing just that. Only this time.. this time it doesn't work. Swirling around the remaining bits of cereal in the now sweetened milk, gaze drifting up from the little floating pieces to the window before him instead. 

Thinking. Thinking of you. Because there wasn't any time where Phil wasn't thinking of you. Even with all these distracts, meant to keep his mind off his old life, off what he used to have, off you.

It didn't work. Not when it came to you. 

Wondering what you could be up to right now. How you were faring commanding an entire army of your own—or however many were left—, how you were handling all the politics that came with such a job.

When you two shared ownership, Phil was always the one to handle the people, scheduling meetings and dealing with generals and such.

It's been months, surely you were handling this fine on your own. You didn't need him, there was no reason for Phil to go back. Nothing more than his own selfish reasons. 

A little over ten months now, it has been. Phil shouldn't bother you. You were dealing with it perfectly fine, he'd bet. 

There was not a single excuse for him to assume you didn't have everything under control, for him to swoop in like some sort of savior. 

Sure, you'd always been a bit.. off kilter. But who wasn't in this line of work.. right? It was only to he expected after what you had been through, or what little you had told Phil.

He knew you didn't like crowds, didn't even like talking for that matter, hated interacting with the stuck up higher ups most of all, of course. Everyone did. But Phil knew you could also reign yourself in if need be.

Well, that was unless something threw you off center. It would have to be something huge, something life-changing for you to really-

Oh, fuck.

The metallic crash of his spoon bouncing off the ceramic bowl and clattering against the floor doesn't even register in Phil's mind. Not even the sweet milk that goes splattering everywhere pulls him away.

He'd broken you. He'd left you alone. Left you alone with her.

Fuck staying here, lying to himself and avoiding any and all subjects that reminded him of you. Reminded him of what he had lost.

Maybe if the event almost a year ago had never happened, and even if Phil had still been removed from your day to day, it wouldn't have been a possibility.

But you were broken. Shattered. Vulnerable. 

And for someone like you; that was a concoction that spelled nothing but bad decisions.

Phil left a few hours later. A single stuffed backpack and a rental car all he took with him in his haste. 

He hoped he wasn't too late. Hoped he hadn't broken you too much.

Maybe you were able to resist her offer.. maybe there was still a part of you left that knew it would bring nothing but your own destruction.

Maybe.

Standing before you now, with those empty eyes and stiff posture, Phil knew something was off. More than he had assumed before. Sure, he knew you were a bit fucked, had always been a bit fractured, but Phil had cared for you all the same. Knew there was something more to you beyond that rough, off-putting exterior.

But now, the way you covered yourself head to toe, the little twitches and fidgets you tried so hard to conceal—but Phil had been able to identify them then, and he still could now—, now it was obvious. There was no hiding it.

“You're..” Phil begins, hesitant. “Different.” 

You scoff, something in those clouded depths flickering. “You've said that before.”

“No, no, Phantom-” he winces, noting the way the name has your right hand—concealed in a glaringly different glove than the other—twitches, fingers curling slightly in one, quick movement, at the name. Your head ticking a bit to the left. 

“You are.. not yourself.” 

“Is that all you had to say?” You grit out, gaze narrowed, voice more a growl than the gentle rumble Phil was used to. “You called me down ‘ere again to tell me I'm “different”. As if it hasn't been almost an entire fucking year since you last saw me.” 

A step closer, another fidget. “People change, Graves. Just because you can't, too caught up in your own damn ego to care, doesn't mean others don't.” 

Phil can think back on that little insult later, pick another time to lick his wounds. Right now he needed to know. Needed a confirmation.

“Just tell me-” he doesn't care if he sounds like he's begging. He needs to know. “You told her no. Please, for Christ's sake, tell me you said no.”

Phil can hear the way your breathing hitches briefly, see the way you try to shift your posture impossibly straighter. “I don't know who you are referring to.” 

A part of Phil shrivels up and dies in that moment, frozen in time as you basically confirm what he already knew. What he knew and yet so desperately hoped he was wrong about. Hoped and prayed you'd be strong enough.

He was wrong.

“Oh, Phantom,” He breathes, right when his body kicks back into motion again. Unable to hide the pure, unfiltered grief in his croaked out words. “What.. what have you done?” 

Phil never gets to hear your reply, because right then there's a frantic knocking at the door. Panicked or enthused, Phil cannot decipher. 

It catches you both off guard, heads snapping to the person who hurts through the entrance. Not bothering to wait for an okay to come inside.

“Alik? What the fuck are you doing here?” You snap, glaring at the newcomer. 

1-5 comes to a halt right in front of you, breathing heavily from the exerting of running from wherever the hell he'd come from. Phil feels himself stiffening, waiting for something, anything to happen.

“Sorry, sir,” Alik pants. “But this couldn't wait.”

“Spit it out.” Phil cuts in, seeing how you tense and ready to go on one of your rare—or maybe not rare anymore—tangents. 

1-5 barely spares Phil a glance before locking eyes with you once more, unflinching.

“Viper,” he says, chest still heaving. A single word, a single word that bore so much weight within its five letters. “He is awake.”

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[sungbeam]

𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐠𝐢𝐟𝐭𝐬

model!choi chanhee x fem!assistant!reader

you were just supposed to be his assistant, but at some point, you'd come to mean a lot more to him.

6.4k words (WHOOPS my hand slipped), technically s2l, fluff, angst if u squint, slight pining?, kissing, model stuff and first world problems 😔✨, like one curse word, barely proofread

a/n: istg it wasn't supposed to be like this ;-; it would have been longer but i got impatient </3

Choi Chanhee once made a girl cry because she had forgotten his phone in the car. In his defense, he hadn't gotten much shuteye the night prior, but Kevin liked to always remind him of that instance.

They said that was the first, true moment the tabloids began painting him in a new light.

'Choi Chanhee, Model-zilla, Hits the Streets of Paris for Fashion Week Once Again'. 'Choi Chanhee's Ex-assistants Come Forward with Shocking Experiences'. 'Satin or Silk: the Truth Behind New's Refusal to Wear Alexander McQueen'.

The last one didn't even make sense; Alexander McQueen only used silk, anyway, and Chanhee had walked in one of his shows a few years ago. Chanhee simply hadn't the time to pen the designer into his schedule since.

The one about assistants? Well, they were all entitled to free speech, but that didn't mean that he would spare them any mercy if they decided to blatantly lie about him. He could always trust Lee Sangyeon, his personal attorney, to take care of business, if and when any of his ex-employees decided that a good payout was comparable to spewing filth.

Then there was you.

Chanhee hadn't needed a new assistant in a little over half a year since you came along. Fresh out of university with a bachelor's in communication and punctuality, you waltzed into his life, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. You'd sat across from him, no-nonsense; he hired you right there. (He had not regretted it since. This was the last time he would let anyone but himself do the interview process.)

The best part about you was not that you always had his schedule memorized before he did, or that you appeared at his apartment before the car picked you both up with his favorite coffee order, or that you actually had decent taste in perfume—not… that he paid attention to what perfume you wore—but it was the fact that you could look him in the eye when he spoke to you, and you to him.

"—and you have a fitting with Chanel at five o'clock this evening right after that meeting with Maison Margiela about the perfume line. We'll have just enough time to—"

Wow, your eyes were pretty in this lighting, he thought. The two of you sat before the massive, floor-to-ceiling window in his penthouse apartment. The entire city laid sprawling at your feet while you sat across from each other at his breakfast table, eating blueberry muffins and drinking lattes.

And for some reason, all he could think about was how nice your hair looked again today, how brilliantly the shine in your eyes was from the sunlight, how impeccable your fashion sense was—even if it wasn't perfect, but that could easily be remedied. Chanhee would have to remind you to remind him to—

"Chanhee. Chanhee, are you listening to me?"

He snapped out with a flutter of his long eyelashes. He reached for his cup of coffee, delicately bringing it to his lips. "Hm? Of course, Maison and then Chanel. Did Changmin cancel our dinner or are we still on?"

A smirk pulled at the corner of his lips when he saw how your expression lightened knowing that he was paying attention. You idly stirred your latte around with a little silver spoon. "He says he's still good to go for tonight. Same place, same time."

A nod. "Good."

He nudged up the Prada sunglasses on his nose as he turned his head slightly to gaze out the open window. It was an awfully beautiful day out today. The sunlight was gentle, the skies were an azure wave of silk, sewn with clouds of white. "Yn, dearest, are we clear until the Maison meeting?"

You blinked. "Yes," you answered, checking your watch for the hour, "it's 10:32 right now."

"Mm, that gives us about five hours to refresh your wardrobe."

Your lips parted, and he smiled in amusement. There was something so adorable about your flustered state. "Excuse me?"

"Call it a little token of my appreciation," he sang, standing up from the table to deposit his empty plate and cup into the kitchen sink. "Could you call the driver to round the front?"

"Oh, uh, sure—"

"Thanks, love. I'll be back in a few," he called to you just as he disappeared into his bedroom to freshen up. You were left at the breakfast table, dumbfounded. You'd only ever gone shopping with Chanhee for him or for someone else. Not you. You were always on the clock when you were with him, and you figured he would probably take everything you bought today out of your paycheck, but…

You couldn't deny the flutter of excitement in your chest like the wings of a butterfly. This could either be the best thing that happened to you… or a complete shitshow.

There was something odd about walking into one of Chanhee's go-to leisure shopping stores—Dior—with the mindset that you were supposed to be shopping for yourself. Chanhee had asked the driver to pull up to the Dior storefront even as the regular paparazzi camped outside.

Your eyes gazed longingly at the Macy's across the mall.

Chanhee followed your gaze with a little scrunch of his nose. "Absolutely not," he clicked his tongue, dragging you out of the vehicle and to the sidewalk.

The press already dubbed you a "miracle" for being in his employ for longer than a day. But when they got shots of him literally hauling you into the Dior… you could imagine what they would all claim now. This was going to be a whole lot of cleanup, but you had learned after months of working with Chanhee that he was way tougher than he looked. He also didn't mind biting back.

When the two of you were safely stowed away within the guarded interior of Dior, you breathed easier.

Straightening, you greeted the staff members with a shallow bow, who did the same to both you and your boss.

Chanhee wiggled his fingers in silent greeting, then beelined for a white, quilted blazer on a mannequin. A worker scrambled after him to talk about the piece while another stuck by your side to make small conversation.

"How was your morning?" They asked you pleasantly.

"Oh, it was quite nice! How was yours?"

"Pretty quiet," they smiled. They were about to say something else when both of you were interrupted with Chanhee calling your name.

His eyes were pinned to you from over the rim of his sunglasses. Draped over his arm was a tapered coat of some sort, a dress, and… oh, god no. "Yn, come here."

You could already hear your wallet crying. "Chanhee, I literally cannot afford a single thing in here—"

He pressed a palm between your shoulder blades and steered you in the direction of the dressing rooms. "That's besides the point because I can afford them; that's what matters."

Surprise made your footing falter. "Huh?"

"Silly Yn-ie," he teased, "did you think I was gonna bring you all the way out here to not treat you?" Before you could say anything else, he was shoving the items into your arms, and your body into the grandiose space of the Dior dressing room. He winked over his glasses. "Now hurry and put them on. I wanna see!"

He ripped the curtain closed, and you stood there for a moment.

In your hands were the jacket, the dress, and a pair of shoes that probably cost you more than your entire bank account combined. You blew out a puff of air, just as you heard a staff member offer him a glass of champagne on the other side of the curtain.

"No getting out of this, Yn," you muttered to yourself, then began hanging everything up."

Chanhee was no stranger to the effect he had on people. In fact, he wielded it like a dagger. It was how he had gotten so far in this industry in the first place other than his immaculate good looks, of course. The face of an angel and an attitude of the devil—at least, that was what one article had said about him. He quite liked it, actually.

There was something wholly different about his effect on you as you stood beneath his scrutinizing, heated gaze, as you tried on piece upon piece. He loved being able to unabashedly stare at you, to take in your flustered expression as you did little spins for him in the outfit of choice. For once, you couldn't look him in the eye, and when you had done so once, it had been when his tongue darted out to wet his lips.

It wasn't just the champagne he was tasting.

It was the next morning when you appeared in his home at 7 o'clock sharp, as usual, but with a new accessory hanging off your arm. It was one of the more low-key purses he had bought you yesterday—and to be honest, it was actually one of his personal favorites. It was a Chanel one, of course, and it complimented your pant suit quite nicely.

"Morning," you chirped, handing him his cup of coffee as he stumbled out of his room in a silk robe and with a yawn widening his mouth.

Chanhee smiled at the sight of you, graciously accepting the coffee from you. He leaned against the countertop next to you. "Good morning," he murmured lowly, peering at you over the rim of the cup, taking a languid sip.

He sighed as the caffeine began working its magic. "How are you this morning, dearest? Have a good night?"

You had set your purse down on the island, then moved away from him only to go check his refrigerator to see if he needed anything restocked. Always so attentive. "I had a good night. How was dinner with Changmin?"

"Lovely," he said fondly. "I see you are putting my gifts to use." His fingers danced along the gold chain draped along one end of the quilted leather.

He swore your cheeks flushed, but then again, his eyes had never tricked him for a second. "Ah, yes. Thank you so much for yesterday, by the way." The fridge closed softly, and you grabbed an apple from the basket on the counter to wash and munch on. "I really don't know how I can repay you—"

Chanhee dismissed you immediately, his wrist flicking outward. "Pfft, none of that. I told you it was all a token of my affection," he grinned, propping his chin onto his palm across the island counter from you. "And gratitude," he added. "I don't say this to just anyone, Yn, and I don't buy just anyone all that stuff—but I did it because I appreciate you."

Your chewing slowed and you swallowed. "Oh."

He said it so easily. God, was he lucky to have met you.

Knowing he had successfully rendered you speechless once more, he laughed lightly, deciding to change the subject. "What's today's schedule like?"

You immediately straightened; this was something you knew like the back of your hand. It was much more up your alley.

As you ran him through his activities today, you failed to notice the difference in his posture, the softer smile on his face, and the way his eyes could not leave you for a moment, not even to drink his coffee.

Grueling was an understatement. Today had been one of the worst days of your working existence under Chanhee's employ. You'd endured rough days and nights before, but today, it seemed to have been hassle after hassle after hassle. You probably got around thirty-thousand steps by how much you ran around trying to find emergency kits and emergency outfits and running to the emergency dry cleaner's.

As much as the fashion world enthralled you, sometimes you wondered how anyone could survive it.

Chanhee was just as maxed out as you were by the end. It was maybe three in the morning by the time the two of you collapsed into the backseat of his driver's car. Streets were barren at this time in the ungodly hours of morning, and your joints ached every time you breathed.

Chanhee was quiet as well as he leaned his head back against the headrest to allow his body some rest. He just barely managed to get through that last shoot—clearly the directors had no clue what they were doing, he thought with a dead look in his eyes. That was how he felt—dead. If it hadn't been for you swooping in with a creative direction…

You were brilliant; that much he was certain of. Without you, that shoot might have dragged on for another couple of hours, or Chanhee would have just walked out. Usually, he had a good sense and eye for things, but with everything that happened today, for once, he didn't have the energy to yell or direct.

He needed to treat you to brunch tomorrow, if he was even able to wake up in time—

His inner thoughts halted when he felt a sudden weight fall upon his left shoulder. He froze up.

Your head had slumped onto his shoulder, eyes closed and no doubt deep asleep. Your bangs had fallen out from the bounds of your ponytail and draped across your face as you slept. He could smell the Miss Dior on you with this proximity.

Chanhee smiled to himself, taking his other hand and brushing the hair from your face and gently caressing your cheek. "Cute," he murmured.

By the time the car rolled to a stop in front of his complex, Chanhee had made a couple of executive decisions.

He lightly roused you from your sleep, cooing into your ear, "Come on, Yn-ie. Let's get you to bed, hm?"

You hummed, lifting your head from his shoulder with a yawn. You rubbed your eye with no care for the makeup smudging. "Chanhee? Why're you still here?"

Normally, the driver would drop Chanhee off first and then you, especially when it came to late nights like this. But… what… was happening?

Chanhee helped you out of the car, thanking the driver while mustering up a kind smile for him. "You're too tired, love. I'm taking you upstairs to my place."

"Wait, I can't—" but you weren't physically protesting; your body ached and ached and ached. But this was your boss, your employer. This wasn't professional.

"Yn, you're exhausted," he countered, buzzing into the building and helping you inside.

You couldn't argue with him anymore. You just wanted your face to hit a pillow and be out for the night. "Okay," you mumbled, letting him press your face into his shoulder on the ride up the elevator.

"Good girl," he sighed. He tilted his head back against the elevator wall, one arm wrapped around your middle and the other cradling the back of your head. Just a little longer, then the both of you could finally get some well-deserved rest.

You would argue you had seen Choi Chanhee at some of his best and worst moments. He was one of the most beautiful human beings on this planet, and yet, none of the prior moments could even compare to when you stumbled out of his bedroom to the sight of his back to you as he fried eggs and ladled waffle batter into the maker in the kitchen. He had a big T-shirt hanging from his lean frame, as well as a pair of loose pajama pants on, and he crossed his arms over his chest as he waited for everything to cook.

Even at ten in the morning, the light pink waves of his hair looked immaculately styled. You almost forgot he hadn't gotten a perm in awhile.

The panic of waking up in his sheets instead of yours had faded when you recalled your conversation with him just seven hours prior. He had managed to wrestle you into an extra set of sleepwear he just had lying around (Gucci, nonetheless), before he deposited you onto his bed, then promptly curled up outside on the living room couch.

You swallowed. Now what?

It was then that Chanhee turned around with an innocent look on his face. You watched as it melted into something softer at the sight of you. "Good morning, dearest," he beamed, "sleep well?"

Drowsiness lingered at the corners of your eyes, but you somehow managed a nod. "Yeah, how about you?" You asked him quietly. Actually, that had been some of the best sleep you'd ever had. Something about his sheets with high thread count and the smell of Chanhee lingering on everything. But you weren't just about to say that to him.

"Well enough," he replied. He waved you over. "Come sit; breakfast is almost ready."

Your eyes widened a smidge. That was for you? Now you really needed to go home. "Ah, I appreciate it, but I've practically overstayed my welcome—"

He sent you a look. "Yn, come have breakfast with me."

You caved. Because at this point, you'd already screwed yourself over. And breakfast really did smell nice; what was the difference between Chanhee making you breakfast and you bringing him breakfast from the café down the street?

(You didn't even want to go home, as much as your logical brain was trying to urge you towards.)

So the two of you breakfasted, and for a moment, you could forget, for once, that you were just supposed to be his assistant.

Some things changed after that morning, and Chanhee found himself getting you to stay over more and more often. Even if he had to come up with something stupid like "You haven't watched the 2001 New York Fashion Week rerun?" For some reason, you bought into all his excuses, and even though he knew it was probably because you were always attentive to his needs, a part of him liked to fantasize that you felt it, too.

The pull.

Something had shifted after that morning when he made you breakfast and the two of you ate together at the breakfast table. Sleep had lingered in your eyes, and your hair was a mess, but it was soft and beautiful and… he'd never been so in awe at someone's "I woke up like this" look.

His heart had leapt at the sight of you in those pajamas with that subtle pout to your lips.

God, he thought he might sweep you into his arms and kiss y—

"New. Chanhee. Choi Chanhee—"

He blinked, lifting his eyes from his menu to meet Changmin's. "Hm?"

Changmin wrinkled his nose at him, adjusting the sunglasses seated atop his head to hang from the collar of his dress shirt. (How it managed to hang with two buttons popped open, Chanhee chalked it up to fashion magic.) "You're awfully quiet today. What, tabloids finally shut you up?" He joked.

Chanhee rolled his eyes. "One of these days, I swear, they will render me speechless with their ridiculous delusions," he muttered airily, half-heartedly skimming the menu again.

He and Changmin were seated at their usual booth in their usual restaurant at their usual time. It was their weekly dinner together, something they had kept up since their university days in order to keep themselves grounded. They, of course, touched base with all of their university friends often, but the two of them were two peas in a pod. They even refused to let Sunwoo in on these weekly dinners specifically (something the younger friend was undoubtedly salty about).

Changmin could figure out when Chanhee was occupied with something other than the present. Usually, he was all up and out of his seat dealing out gossip or what torture he and you had been… oh.

Changmin cocked his head to the side, nostrils flaring slightly as he tried and failed to suppress a sly smile. "How's Yn these days?" He asked nonchalantly, lowering his eyes to the menu in front of him even though he always got the same thing every time.

To his credit, Chanhee didn't even react. "She's lovely as always. Why do you ask?"

"I dunno," Changmin drawled, "you haven't gushed about her like you usually do. I feel like you hang out with her more than me."

Chanhee raised a brow at his friend. "She's my assistant; of course I'm going to spend more time with her."

"Yeah, but—"

"And she's a lot more agreeable most of the time."

"Hey!"

Chanhee grinned in impish delight. "You asked."

Changmin sent him a stink eye, huffing as he raised his hand up to summon a waiter. "Yeah, whatever. Okay, but you literally refused to go out with me the other night, and when I texted Yn if you had a schedule, she said that you two were at home!"

That got his attention. Chanhee pursed his lips together, sheepishness peering through his smile. "In my defense, she hadn't seen New York Fashion Week in 2001."

"You hated that year, Chanhee."

"Exactly."

Changmin sighed to himself, and just as he was about to add on, a waiter came by to take their order. Once that was done, Changmin laced his fingers over the table and leveled his friend with a pointed look.

"Just admit that you like her."

Oh, Changmin. If only you could hear the rapid palpitations of his heart when you called him out like that. Chanhee blinked innocently. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he swallowed.

It wasn't even two days later that Chanhee had you staying a little later at his place, once again. There was something jazzy and vibey playing in the background, while Chanhee finished up plating dinner and rolling up the sleeves of his dress shirt. You were over at the small table by the window pouring wine into twin glasses, your hair pulled haphazardly out of your face (for the most part) with a pearl-studded claw clip from Chanhee's personal PR box.

(You blatantly refused, but he then reminded you that he couldn't even use the clip himself.)

Chanhee didn't often think about sharing his life with someone, but it was moments like these—moments when he heard you hum under your breath, moments when the two of you could laugh about the day over dinner, moments when you weren't just his assistant but someone closer—that he could indulge himself. He wasn't a very domestic person; since childhood, he dreamed of places far away from home, seeing sights and experiencing cultures… but if he could come home to you? And experience this every time?

Suddenly dinner was over, and you were collecting dirty dishware and glasses to bring to the sink to wash.

"Yn-ie, hey, I can wash those—"

"No, no! You made dinner; I am washing dishes," you asserted, pushing him away from the sink when he tried to come up to you.

Chanhee broke into a laugh, coming up behind you to set his hands on your shoulders and rub the upper parts of your arms. "Okay, okay. Thanks, love," he said. He didn't even think before he pressed a kiss to your cheek and walked off to go to the bathroom.

Your cheek tingled where his lips had been, and you turned the faucet on to drown out the thrumming of your heartbeat in your ears. What was happening?

You felt like you were floating on air as you hummed to the music and washed the dishes, with the ghost of Chanhee's lips left lingering on your cheek. It served as a reminder of your growing affections for him. This was dangerous, dangerous territory, and yet… it was thrilling. It was new, bold, and delectable. It was Chanhee, for goodness sake.

He was the man you saw crying drunkenly over a cat video on TikTok, the man who lended you Gucci pajamas and his bed for the night. He was on the face of every magazine cover, always excited when you could read his mind about a certain piece of clothing. Everyone in the world wanted to be him or be with him. He was so out of reach, yet right in front of you.

Maybe it was the wine making your head buzz with this wave of unmitigated sentimentality.

You finished up with the dishes, drying off your hands with the towel hanging on the oven door. Chanhee sang your name out from somewhere deep inside his bedroom, and you followed his voice to his location.

He was seated on the rug in the middle of his walk-in closet, the white LEDs washing you with light. It was a far cry from the darkness of his bedroom and the warmth from the kitchen. Chanhee patted the spot next to him on the carpet, where he had a smattering of PR gifts littering the floor around him.

Curious, you lowered yourself next to him. "Are we sorting through PR stuff?" You asked, already making a mental catalog of all the things he'd probably want to keep and the things he'd want to donate.

Chanhee hummed his dissent, rising onto his knees and shuffling over to you. Your eyes widened as he stopped close to you and you held your breath. He raised a pair of twin diamond drop earrings from Tiffany and Co to your earlobes, eyes narrowed in consideration.

"No," he muttered, dumping the earrings into their box, then digging out another.

You scrambled to delicately put the earrings back into their proper holdings. "Chanhee, what are we doing?"

"You—" Chanhee returned with a pair of sapphire earrings this time, performing the same ritual as before, but this time smiling, "—are going to sit still and look pretty for me. I am going through the PR stuff for anything nice."

"Anything nice?" You parroted in disbelief. It wasn't like he just threw a pair of diamond earrings into a box like it wasn't nice, or anything.

"I've never seen you in pearls before," he said offhandedly. From a black velvet bag, he withdrew a string of pearls clasped at the end in gold. His mouth parted in awe, and you suddenly thought of how cute he looked. Chanhee, oftentimes, was attractive and elegant and spellbinding—but this Chanhee was adorable.

He eyeballed it around your neck, then moved to clasp the collar onto you. He brushed the stray strands of hair away from the nape of your neck, gently grazing the pads of his fingers along the warm skin there. The action sent a shudder down your spine, and you were reminded of the cheek kiss from earlier.

"There," he murmured, coming back around to inspect you from the front. "Looks much better on you than it would on me."

You scoffed, reaching up to touch the cool pearls seated on your collarbone. "I disagree wholeheartedly."

He had turned around to go digging again, but the grin he threw over his shoulder at you was a certified heart stopper. "Then we'll just have to go get me a matching one."

"This is the last time I'm letting a company get me lunch," Chanhee grimaced as both you and he feverishly dabbed at the sauce splattered on his cream silk blouse.

One of the interns working on today's interview and shoot had come to deliver him his lunch when you noticed that the sauce lid on top was a dark red and not the usual light mayo Chanhee always requested beforehand. That, as well as the fact that the lid wasn't fastened all the way. Suffice to say that when you were about to point it out, said intern became flustered at Chanhee's side profile and spilled his lunch onto him.

You made sure to send the intern away before Chanhee could react.

"This was the Burberry one Haknyeonie got me," he whimpered in devastation as he took in the mess of dark brownish-red on his chest.

"Hey, it's okay. The cleaner I usually go to can fix it up," you said, biting your lip and assessing the situation. You gave a sigh, straightening, then swiping at the dampness on your forehead. "For now, you'll have to change into something else."

Chanhee pouted. "I promised I would wear this one for the interview…" He glanced back over at the clothing rack in the far corner of the dressing room at the dozens of options he had, as well as the backups you had brought, when all he wanted was to wear the shirt Haknyeon had given to him.

You wondered how long you had until the interview. You wondered how fast you could run to the dry cleaners and how fast they could fix this, if only to make that pout on Chanhee's face go away.

He pursed his lips. "I'll change into the YSL one," he resolved, standing from his vanity chair to go grab the YSL blouse from its garment bag. "Y'know," he said to you as he disappeared behind the changing divider, "we'll probably see something about this in the tabloids sometime tomorrow, depending on how bored the press people are."

You leaned back against the vanity counter, mentally noting the time. Hair and makeup would be here soon since the interview was set for half past noon. Chanhee would have to wait until afterwards before he could eat lunch. You frowned, "It wasn't your fault, Chanhee."

"I know." You saw him drape the dirtied Burberry blouse over the top of the divider and you walked over to take it down and inspect the damage yourself. "But it doesn't have to be my fault."

Unfortunately, he was right. The press would do anything for a juicy story, even if that meant twisting the facts just a little. You abhorred those stories; you always saw Chanhee's eyes glaze over like a shield at the "model-zilla" headlines, when in fact, it had little to do with Chanhee's "attitude". You wondered if someone would blow up his reaction to this out of proportion—he hadn't said anything to the intern before they ran out of the room in tears, but you supposed if you had spilled coffee on someone with as much name power as Chanhee, then you would also freak out.

"I'm sorry," you said quietly, leaning slightly against the divider. A weight sank into the pit of your gut; you felt pathetic. These were one of the few things you couldn't just fix for him.

You thought you felt him lean back against the divider on the other side. "Nothing to be sorry for, dearest. It's just a shirt."

It wasn't just a shirt. It wasn't just the tabloids.

Chanhee, being the professional he was, carried on through the interview and subsequent photoshoot with elegance and grace. He wasn't in a bad mood, save for the slight melancholy in his smile when the intern's superior came by to apologize profusely and offer to have the blouse dry-cleaned for him. Chanhee politely declined—he only trusted one person with his items.

When you and Chanhee finally made it back to his penthouse suite, the sun had disappeared into the seams of the horizon, hoisting a bejeweled night into the sky. Chanhee collapsed onto the couch face-first while you dropped everything on the floor by the door and made a beeline for the refrigerator.

"I'm making tea," you declared.

Chanhee raised his head slightly. "Me too please."

You got the electric kettle started and brought out two porcelain mugs. While you waited for the water to finish boiling, you fished your phone out of your pocket to check your messages to see if the dry cleaners had alerted you yet as to the status of the blouse. On the way back, you had swung by to get the shirt to the dry cleaners. Hopefully it would be done by tomorrow morning so you could go pick it up.

Chanhee shifted and adjusted his positioning on the couch. He sat upright, leaning his cheek against his fist. "Yn-ie."

"Hm?"

"I'm lonely over here."

You huffed air out of your nostrils in a silent chuckle, but obliged him and went over to the couch. He raised his arms up toward you, making grabby hands and pouting. "You're lonely?" You repeated in amusement, slotting yourself next to him and allowing him to curl into your side.

"Well, not anymore," he said into your shoulder.

The apartment filled with the sound of water bubbling on the stove and the muffled sounds of the city outside the window.

With nothing said, you could imagine for a second that this was not your job, but your life instead.

You felt him move a little, his arms wrapping around your stomach. "Thank you," he murmured, "for everything."

Your chest tightened. "Of course," you replied simply. Because doing all of this for him was as easy as breathing air now. Taking care of him had become as easy as breathing air. It was just that simple.

He was quiet again, fingers fidgeting with the cuffs of your blazer. Something lingered in his mind.

"Yn…" He slowly brought himself to sit up straight, one hand braced on the cushion space between your bodies and the other on the back of the couch. His face was so close—you could see the baby pink hairs falling in his eyes, the bits of glitter on his eyelids, the length of his lashes brushing his cheeks. But there was something wobbling, shimmering in his irises like the ripples in a pool of water. "I think we need to talk."

Your voice was trapped in your throat. He was going to fire you. He was going to tell you that all of it had been a lie. He was going to—stop. Stop freaking out. You knew him. You knew him better than what the people on the outside only claimed to know about him. You gulped. "Okay."

Chanhee brought his hand up toward your face, but instead stopped short, his hand dropping. He wet his lip, head ducking for a second before meeting your eyes again. "You know how much I appreciate everything you do for me, right?"

Oh no.

You nodded shallowly, hands clasped in your lap. "Mhm."

"And you know that I would rather hurt myself before ever hurting you?"

You didn't like where this was going. "Chanhee—"

His eyes shuddered. "Just—just listen for a second. I promise I'll let you speak, just… I just need to get this out."

"I can't really think straight," you croaked. His cologne—god his cologne. You would die suffocating in his cologne, but he was so close and yet so out of reach.

You thought you saw hurt flash across his face. "Oh. Uh, I'm sorry—" He was leaning back now, and you were internally hitting yourself. You'd never heard Choi Chanhee stutter before.

You resisted the urge to say "come back". Come back, where you could pretend that he was yours. Shit, this had gone too far. "Chanhee, I think I have to quit."

Alarm shot his eyes wide open. "What?"

"I can't keep working for you because I have feelings for you," you blurted, staring him straight in the eyes. "I have to quit because the feelings—the want—I have for you are so strong and precariously unprofessional. And I'm sorry, because this was the best job I could've ever gotten, but—"

Chanhee grabbed your face and crushed his mouth to yours, effectively shutting you up. Shock had you freezing, but it wasn't long before you held him close and let him wholly devour you.

When he pulled away, his forehead was pressed against yours, the space between your lips near nonexistent. His hands were still cupping the sides of your face and his breathing was slightly labored; all either of you could feel, hear, smell, taste were each other.

"I love you," he whispered, almost inaudibly you thought you'd imagined it. But then he said it again, "I love you", and everything…

Everything settled.

"How could you?" After all, you were just… you. It seemed impossible that someone as high as he was could love someone like you.

His reply was simple, paired with a sweet return to your lips. "How could I not?"

You stood outside the massive, sky-piercing high-rise of Vogue headquarters, your heart pounding in your ears and your fingers drumming nervously against the seam of your dress pants. In about twenty minutes, you would be in the topmost office of the building interviewing for a chance to become CEO Anna Wintour's newest personal assistant.

"Well?"

You glanced over to your left where Chanhee stepped beside you, asking the driver to make a loop around the building and meet him back here in a few minutes. His hair, freshly dyed a silken midnight black, had grown slightly to mullet-length; and this morning, he was clad in a pristine white suit set in a classy contrast. A pearl collar sat on his defined collarbones like it was a throne. Beautiful, as always.

There were reporters lurking around here somewhere. That definitely didn't make any of this better for you.

You released a breath. "I've got this, right?"

He passed you a gentle, yet teasing grin. "Hey, you survived me. How much worse can she be?"

That made you crack a smile.

The two of you stood side by side staring up at the building for a moment longer. After you had quit being his assistant to instead be accepted as his partner, you and Chanhee worked to find you a new gig. You received about a hundred dozen job offers from lesser brands and big names when they all heard you were leaving Chanhee's employ on good terms. Anyone who survived Chanhee, and left with a stellar recommendation letter, was a hot commodity.

Chanhee reached for your hand, squeezing your fingers slightly. "Breathe, darling. You'll be in and out and hired before you know it."

He turned you around so you faced him. His tongue stuck out between his lips as he adjusted the pearl necklace around your throat, then the lapels of your jacket. "Wow," he breathed out.

"Huh?" You hummed with a smile in your eyes.

"You still take my breath away."

A nervous laugh fell from your lips, and Chanhee swooped in to taste it—that, your laugh.

"I love you," he murmured against your mouth. Nevermind all the press and paparazzi, or Anna Wintour, or anyone. This was just you and him, even for a little. You could imagine the headlines, but that was the last thing on your mind right now.

Your tongue swiped over his bottom lip to catch the last bits of him. "I love you, too."

There was a cunning glint in his eyes, offset by the soft smile on his face. "Okay, this is it. Call me if you need anything."

You began walking toward the entrance backwards. "What if I need you?"

His smile widened. "I said call me, didn't I? Anytime, anywhere." I'm yours.

tbz m.list

permanent taglist: @tayunji @im-a-big-mess @honeyhuii @y3jiishot @crazywittysassy @seomisaho @stopeatread @enhacolor @rnjfy @jaehunnyy @kpopjackie @spiderrenjunfics @soobin-chois @mingiholic @ja4hyvn @ethereal-engene @justalildumpling @vatterie @yogurteume @kflixnet

[downsteepy]

i can't stand it anymore i have to let myself speak abt how much the physical difference between 2r leon and 4r leon (and other leons) hurts me . i have to

this is extremely incoherent rambling but i hope it makes some sense, i'll also probably talk a bit abt his character in general

leon's eyes in 2r are so bright and full of life despite everything. he's still optimistic. he looks healthy, he doesn't look tired, his hair's rather neat and tidy.

and then six years pass after raccoon city, and leon's just exhausted. he looks exhausted. he has bags under his eyes, his eyes seem noticeably duller. they're especially dull in og re4, they look more greyish blue than his usual blue.. but leon's put on all this muscle in 4r especially because he had to essentially, his hair's messier. he's still not quite a mess but he's like. almost slowly getting there.

but seeing pictures of 2r and 4r leon next to each other kills me so much just bc of the fact that 4r leon is just.. so tired looking. he's been through so much shit in 6 years, and then he has to deal with all the shit that happens during 4r.

i do want to cherry pick when he gets injected with the plagas and also when he gets stung by the mosquito thing in death island because oh my god!!! it hurts me so bad!!!!

in death island, as soon as leon feels that sting, he almost immediately panics.

i mentioned it in the tags of my recent leon art but di leon is genuinely more playful seeming, his eyes are brighter, he's put on muscle again. he's healthy.

but as soon as that sting happens, its like hes 27 again. the sting happens on the same side of his neck as the plagas injection, and he's 27 again. he's that exhausted, not quite as bright eyed and bushy tailed 27 year old again.

i kind of got sidetracked considering this is supposed to be about the evolution of his physical appearance but when i think abt 4r leon i can't help but make the death island connection so consider it a bonus.

i'll get back on track but still on the topic of death island but now i'll compare di leon and vendetta leon and probably just talk abt vendetta leon for a bit.

vendetta leon is probably honestly the most exhausted leon's ever looked. while he's still a little silly, it doesn't feel quite as playful, if that makes sense? i feel like genuinely everyone can agree though when i say this is probably like. the peak of leon's depression. he's day drinking on his vacation, so his primary coping method seems to be alcohol. his eyes and the area surrounding his eyes looks darker, he's gotten leaner, he's a bit snippier, and he doesn't want to do this anymore. he's tired. he doesn't want to have to keep doing this anymore.

there is such a stark contrast between leon's appearance + attitude between vendetta and death island and while it makes me happy because he evidently has found some way to heal or a better way to cope, it also just makes me so viscerally sad. vendetta leon makes me so sad just bc of how he appears + how he acts at the end. the difference between him and di leon is night and day.

very quick warning for mentions of suicidal ideation in the next part, i'll try to keep it brief.

re6 leon is also just. extremely deeply sad to me. he also looks incredibly tired, and while he makes a lot of quips, he's not as playful as he usually is. there is a file from re6 where leon speaks about how he's thought numerous times about ending it, but only stayed because of claire and sherry. it's genuinely heart breaking, and not to kind of derail again, but it's kind of sad to me that he only found his anchor in staying alive bc of claire and sherry, and not necessarily for himself. leon very much focuses on others before he focuses on himself, and god that shit hurts!

i've kind of equated 6leon to being a sad wet cat bc of how wet his eyes look and honestly he just. is a sad wet cat. he's just sad. he's dealt with so much trauma that just keeps stacking up, he's gotten so visibly tired, and he just doesn't get to rest. i know it's somewhat of a joke that he wants a vacation or whatever, but like.

he really just deserves that vacation. he deserves time to relax. he deserves to be able to just not worry about things and other people as much for once. he deserves a nice breakfast, and he deserves to get better.

di leon does seem to have gotten better; much brighter and livelier. and that makes me happy. i wish he'd been able to be like this earlier, but i'm happy he's finally gotten there.

i'm happy that he's happy.

[daisiesonafield-blog]

Review -After many a postponement, for the first time since his debut world tour in 2017, Grammy award winning artist Harry Styles touched down at Mt Smart Stadium, bringing Harry Styles: Love on Tour to Tāmaki Makaurau.

Released in 2022 and recently awarded Album of the Year at the 2023 Grammys, Harry's House, built in London by way of Hollywood, Malibu, and Wilshire, and engineered by the likes of Kid Harpoon, Tyler Johnson, and Samuel Witte has seen almost every major city of the world. It's only fitting that, at long last, Aotearoa finally got a taste of the artist's highest acclaimed album.

Decorated from head to toe in sequins, sparkles, cowboy hats and the coveted feather boas, punters, who had been lining up as early as two days before the concert itself, descended on Mt. Smart Stadium bright eyed and bushy tailed, eager to get as close to Styles as they possibly could. His charm, wit and general crowd interaction is a major selling point of the tour itself - something all 47,000 attendees were eager to get a taste of.

Aotearoa's own Ny Oh and Isle of Wight-based band Wet Leg opened the show, to a crowd that, although mixed in demographic, got behind every single beat. Seeing Wet Leg at Mt Smart was a bit of a big deal; the last time they were here, they performed to a sold-out Tuning Fork - a venue which can hold up to 300 people. Fast forward eight months, playing to a sold-out stadium, comprising a crowd who, for the most part, know every word to every song, is something to marvel at.

I always admire an artist who has an impeccable pre-show playlist - it shows that not only do they know their crowd well, but when done right, the right selection can show that they know the city, or in this case, country, well too. Classic tracks such as 'Best Song Ever' by One Direction and 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by Queen had the crowd doing vocal somersaults over one another, singing as loud as they could.

What took me by surprise was the addition of Poi E by Pātea Māori Club - released in 1983, sung entirely in te reo, now playing to a crowded stadium before Harry Styles of all people graced the stage. He knew his crowd, and where he was in the world, extremely well.

Styles is known for his on-stage outfits. Some are understated, some are extremely overstated, and most, if not all of them, end up being one of the main focal points of every performance. The last time he was in Aotearoa, he wore an all-black suit, assumingly paying homage to the All Blacks. Last night, he wore a short sleeve raglan tee with a bejewelled whale's tail adorning it, with a pair of purple dress pants. Not the most spectacular outfit compared to his recent Australia tour, but we'll take what we can get.

After all, fashion comes second when you're stood mere metres from One Direction's Golden Child.

It's always special when an artist comes to any given country and does more than just plays their show and jump on the next flight home. On his recent Australian tour, Styles immersed himself in the culture of the Aboriginal peoples of Australia, and his stop in Aotearoa was no exception.

At his first break in the show, Styles, who, earlier in the day, had spent time with Te Matatini finalists, Angitū, sang the start of 'Tūtira Mai Ngā Iwi' - written by Canon Wiremu Te Tau Huata in the 1950s.

The crowd, clearly stunned, sung the rest of the waiata back to him without hesitation while he danced around the stage. He continued to do this multiple times throughout the night, which kept the crowd on their toes. I was almost waiting for it to happen every time he got the chance to speak. At one point in the concert, he picked a Tino Rangatiratanga flag from the crowd, and put it on his mic stand - the flag found itself to be a permanent fixture on the stage for the rest of the night.

The moments of the concert I remember the most vividly seem to be the same at almost every one I go to; the times when the whole crowd is still, flashlights up, yelling the lyrics of the saddest songs back at the person singing them - and last night was no exception. At the end of the catwalk which spanned what felt like ten trillion miles, Styles performed 'Matilda', 'Little Freak', and 'Satellite' one after the other, and for all three songs, I've never heard a crowd with so much gusto.

Harry performed songs from across all three released bodies of work, such as 'Woman', to 'Golden', and even far back as a new rendition of One Direction's seminal hit, 'What Makes You Beautiful'. He even snuck in crowd-favourite unreleased weapon, 'Medicine' which went viral during the tour for his last album, Fine Line. During every song, the crowd didn't hold back. So much energy in one space - it was amazing to bear witness to.

It's crazy to think that, from Harry's end, there are 47,000 people in the same space as you are singing the words to the music you wrote back at you. Those moments stick with an artist - I feel as though they stick with the crowd for eternity.

Crowd interaction is paramount for an artist as big as Styles. Throughout his time as a solo performer, he's always placed a large emphasis on connecting with his crowds, and as he's grown, the interactions have only evolved to be more intense.

Last night was no exception. From pointing out a fan who had been throwing fruit at him (which then proceeded to him singing a two-minute-long song about people dressed as bananas, eggs, aubergines, so on and so forth), the singer, who encourages fans to bring signs with him to his shows, went back and forth with two fans. One, who allegedly sold their cats leg to be at the show, and the other, who was with her best friend going through a breakup. After finding out the now ex-boyfriend wasn't prioritising them, hence the breakup, he told the crowd to "not be a Michael, be a Romy!"

Styles also asked the crowd about the census, telling everyone that he too had filled it out prior to the show.

Finishing with crowd favourite, and aptly named, 'Kiwi', Styles had made the nights of 12-year-olds with their parents and mid-40-year-olds alike, as well as everyone in between. Harry Styles is truly an artist who transcends all levels of musical talent and incomparable wit, with a hint of charm that can't be matched.

The remnants of the 47,000 plus feather boas will live on the field of Mt Smart Stadium until Harry Styles makes his triumphant return to Aotearoa.

Admittedly, he doesn't actually know when that will be. All he knows is that he hopes it won't be too long.

[yallemagne]

plus it's like

dracula, the villain, monologuing: hahaha i have tainted her for transgressing her boundaries, that'll teach her a lesson so she'll be my errand girl

jonathan, the hero: you didn't taint shit. and if god disagrees with the statement that being assaulted makes you tainted, he can eternally fuck off

mina: also i'm gonna hunt you down with your own power now, how's that for a lesson

like, you are not supposed to be finding the FORMER guy to be the Gothic Romantic Hero here and you're not supposed to be finding her as interested in his bullshit instead of in her 'boring, stuffy husband'

Hollywood at once values the sanctity of marriage far too much and despises it. Like they're so obsessed with marriage that they make up this whole shitty "oh Mina's... uh the... *flips through notes* the reincarnated wife of Dracula? I fucking guess? let's just cross out the part of the vows where it says you part at death, right? so like she's gotta be with him bc they got married a long time ago" and we're like "but she has a husband right now, if you're so obsessed with the institution of marriage then--" and they're like "EW GROSS THAT'S REDUCTIVE AND SHE SHOULD CHEAT ON HER YOUNG HUSBAND TO BE WITH THIS OLD OLD MAN!!"

Like... I don't think the centuries-old vampire who ordered a mail-in bride is the paragon of "letting his wife do cool shit". I'm pretty sure he's gonna be the more sexist of the two. LIKE?? I doubt whatever the values were... in 13th century Wallachia were super liberal for woman compared to Victorian England (bc all the reincarnation plots cast Dracula literally as Vlad III).

He's literally like... a movie director. He's one of those awful producers that force actresses into terrible contracts. So I guess no wonder Hollywood loves him so much. (goddamn it now I wanna plot out a semi-modern Dracula AU where all the characters are actors and Dracula's a shitty producer)

"Mina's boring, stuffy husband" Jonathan's like TWENTY ONE, he's a baby, there's nothing boring or stuffy about him, he is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and he eats things that give him terrible indigestion and doesn't learn from it. He's beautiful. HE IS THE MAN YOU ELOPE WITH. HE'S YOUNG AND HOT AND NEURODIVERGENT WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT?!

[insurrection-if]

Retriever likes pessimist MCs??? 😭😭😭 i’m perfect for that. Could u explain more?

Yep, Retriever is drawn to the doom and gloom, haha! (✿◠‿◠) (Fun Fact: His original doomed-romance RO was an absolute pessimist herself, and a sarcastic one at that, haha!)

Being someone who wishes to see the best in the Gifted and Humanity, Retriever possesses a simple, hopeful(ly cautious) ideal for the broad future of the world. But the thing about Retriever's sense of optimism, however, is that . . . it's dangerously close to becoming a mere façade. He’s not quite the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed altruist he had been at the start of his hero-work, though he still tries to cling to that mentality he once wielded so easily.

Despite of his immense desire for optimism within himself, Retriever admires those willing to look at the world through a more realistic lens, unafraid to confront the existence of certain dour truths, even if their pessimism might inflate or exaggerate the precise extremity of those truths. The world would not be able to function near as well as it does, he thinks, with aspiring dreamers like him alone— dreamers, like him, who at times need to be guided back down to earth by their more doubtful counterparts. And he certainly does feel grounded, perhaps even humbled, by his pessimistic companions whose wariness can be interpreted as their unique brand of care (when it comes to managing his expectations / saving him from some potential grief). It's also just reassuring to know they won't sugarcoat for the sake of his ego or a false veneer of joy when something is clearly troubling them.

Beyond all that, Retriever simply enjoys interacting with more pessimistic individuals. Call it a hero complex if you will, but he likes to be the one who provides a bit of sunshine into someone’s perpetually cloudy day. Pessimists tend amuse him more than they dishearten him, or so is the case when that doubt is not solely directed onto him. He hopes that his sense of optimism, dwindling as it may be, can offer a comfort or something to lean on for pessimists in his company. Plus, pessimists may provide him somewhat of a soundboard for countering his own doubts as he sets on cheering up their vision towards what's to come.

Retrieve does appreciate fellow optimists, feeling inspired by their potential feedback loop of boosted positivity with him, but it doesn’t quite compare to his fondness for pessimists who just give him a sense of needing to protect and comfort them . . . even if that protection and comfort is rooted in proving their gloomy expectations wrong! (＾ᴗ＾)b

[lethalsubject]

THE BEGINNING OF THE END!

captain frank castle never considered himself to be, what people would consider, 'insane'. despite the countless tours of sheer horror he'd endured, or the hundreds of lives that had been taken by his ferocity.

'i can give it to you, frank--'

at least... not the type of insane that would have him hearing voices. the stereotypical type of being crazy; batshit. cuckoo. loony. whatever the doctors called it these days.

'--there'll be a price. but nothing is free.'

the feeling of an eyeball bursting beneath the unrelenting pressure of his thumb is nothing to him. the shovel simultaneously tearing its way through skull and grey matter even less so.

'say no and you're one more k.i.a on a hill that no one cared about to start with.'

it's him, but it isn't. they're his thoughts, in his head, but they're not. it sounds like him, but it doesn't. it thinks like him, so it must be him. the strength he fights with, the brutality with which he tears through enemy after enemy?

'say yes--'

the sheer determination is him. the ability to fight against hundreds of enemy combatants with unwavering will, regardless of odds, is undoubtedly captain frank castle. that's what his men would say.

yet his lack of exhaustion and the ability to fight through the four bullet holes seeping hot, sticky blood through his vest? that's not him. he was good, but surely not that good.

'--and i'll give you what you've wanted all these years.'

another swing of the shovel, another mandible dislodged and flying across the corpse littered battlefield from the sheer force of impact.

what he's always wanted.....

""a happy family.""

it isn't his first thought, like it should be. it isn't his dearly beloved pregnant wife and his sweet four year old daughter that flash in front of his eyes.

'but you have to say it--'

it's war.

it's the horror he's face to face with right now.

its the adrenaline.

it's the fight.

it's the thrill he gets from being the ultimate predator.

it's the overwhelming stench of gunpowder, metal and smouldering corpses that make his lips curl with every heaving breath that filled his lungs with a familiar, suffocating ache.

it's the deafening blasts of f4 fighter bombers dropping hundreds, if not thousands, of pounds of napalm on the battleground.

on his battleground.

'say it--'

it's the burning adrenaline that lights his every nerve on fire at the height of the battle, when every kill is the difference between life and death.

it's the wet blood that trails down his cheeks. that soaks into his clothes in a way that made it feel as though he'd just swam laps. the acrid stench of hot iron overriding his every sense.

maybe before the war it would of been his answer. when he was just a boy: all bright eyed and bushy tailed. when his old man took him to church and taught him the word of the lord. when he went to fight for honour and his country, and not for the thrill of being the predator he'd been trained to become.

top of the food chain.

'say it--'

another low, animalistic growl as his heart thunders in his chest, the agonising burn of bullets lodged into his flesh comparable to that of a paper cut to the beast that was captain frank castle.

'a war that lasts forever. a war that never ends.'

a battle cry roars from the depths of his chest. from the belly of the insatiable beast. a ferocious sound that's more monster than it is human.

'but you have to say the word, frank-'

teeth grounding together, the voice was all frank could hear over the billowing flames that surrounded him. the screams of agony and thundering of bombs was nothing but background noise as his gaze flickered to the wave of combatants still barreling towards him.

spit flying through his grit teeth, exhilaration swelled in his chest as his grip tightened around the shovel that had come to replace the broken m16 at his feet.

there was no more time to deliberate. it was now or never. either he died on this god forsaken battlefield or he didn't.

with more conviction than he'd ever had before, the singular word uttered in that moment would change the trajectory of his life forever.

"yes."

[izzyeffinhands]

“Izzyyyy, I’m hungry. Can we go hunt? Please?” (vampire Stizzy’s turn xD )

“ Tighten those lines or the gaff will come loose!“ Izzy shouted to the boys with a low growl. Their entire crew knew there were two vampires aboard their ship. It was hard to hide, but really it was Stede that couldn’t keep a damn secret so they had to tell the crew. Frenchie hid below decks for weeks with a makeshift cross, with Roach as a companion using carrot sticks. He’d had to drag them both out by the hair of their fucking heads to get them to listen to him. But now they accepted them as just their captains that were just like them, but needed blood to live. Roach compared them to ticks, but at least they got over it.

“ You’re always hungry. “ Izzy grinned a fanged grin. As innocent as Stede might have looked, he had a ravenous hunger for blood. Moreso than even himself. Stede looked good soaked in blood too. He’d never forget when he turned him, the bright eyed and bushy tailed vampire craving more blood to which he’d happily obliged. Now was no different. It could be the thousandth time they hunted, and he still wanted to help him.

Though, he’d felt a change on the wind about his second progeny. Something had happened with Flint. He was sure of it. He could sense it, and he hoped it wasn’t what he suspected. Flint was too young, too new a thing to be creating other vampires, and surely he wouldn’t have done so without his maker’s permission. When they crossed paths again, they’d have to discuss what the fuck was going on.

But for now, he could focus on Bonnet. “ I think this ship could use a good kareening, Captain.“ He grumbled softly, but raised a hand now to push those blonde curls out of his eyes. He had such lovely eyes, especially now that he was turned. He was his too, and it made them all the more beautiful. “ Fine. “ He rolled his eyes playfully with a smirk. “ What’re you feeling tonight? Brunette or blond? “ They talked about killing as if they were choosing cuts of meat, and well.. it was true.

@avastyetwats

[mamamittens]

Lay Down New Tracks (Sneak Peek)

Pokemon Black and White Ft. OC (Finley)

Warnings: In progress work, slow to update, and canon typical violence. Anime and game logic/rules/lore blended. For more information please refer to this post!

Word count: 1,963

Sunlight strained through the dense canopy of Pinwheel Forest. Casting strange shadows on stranger still corners of the woods. Soft calls of pokemon and distant battles echoed between the trees. Tympoles bounced in and out of a large pond nearby with their agile flippers as timburrs milled about, inspecting fallen branches and their own signature, square logs. Almost comparing the two or perhaps assessing a possible upgrade. Pidoves called from above and occasionally flit down to the forest floor in an attempt to steal berries and seed from unsuspecting pokemon.

A sawk slammed his fist into the bark of a large tree, sending thick branches to the forest floor from high above, startling many nearby.

“Ri!” the sawk froze, glaring over his shoulder with a huff. Eyeing the unusual riolu before it. Even in the gloom of the forest, it was clear they were human-kept, the bright red fabric around their neck with some human symbol glaring even in the dim forest. Eyes almost a glowing red as the pokemon raised their paws in a challenge.

Sawk almost thought they had to be a ‘shiny’. The unusually colored variant that humans went crazy for. But instead of the yellow coat most shiny riolu sported, they were silver. The black of their mask and on their torso a far cry from the clean lines he expected, instead almost splattered like ink. Fur dense and curly, giving a wild, unkempt look to them, particularly the teal collar of fluff. Not helped by the expected yellow color being present on their paws and feet as though they slammed them into gold paint with exuberance. Even their tail and ears lacked the clean, sharp angles he knew riolu normally had. More akin to a paintbrush, bushy and fluffy with long fur.

Sawk, unimpressed at the disturbance to their training despite the unusual nature of it, eyed the pokemon. Looking around for the human that must be nearby.

There was a soft rustling that alerted the pokemon to a new presence.

The human sawk had been expecting.

Tall with purple hair obscuring their face. A yellow hoodie and jeans with a bag on their back. They smiled at sawk, nodding in greeting before squatting down just a ways behind the riolu. Though he couldn’t see quite clearly, he knew their eyes shone with interest. Lips moving but no sound reaching his ears—an unusual trait for a ‘pokemon trainer’.

Usually the hardest part of running into one was how loud they were. Tramping through bushes, loudly calling out to one another or their ‘partners’.

It was odd.

This was very odd.

But… sawk smiled, tightening his belt.

If the strange duo insisted on interrupting his training, the least he could do was show them why it was such a bad idea.

“Sa—wk~!” his legs heated up with low sweep as he leapt forward, ready to send the two packing.

Red eyes narrowed at him and riolu blurred, disappearing in an instant.

A flash of a golden paw, coated in metal claw slammed into sawk’s body from the side, sending him flying. He recovered quickly, digging his hand into the forest floor to slow down as he looked to his opponent, body tense and bruised. The riolu was airborne, paw clenched in a rock smash he barely managed to dodge. Trainer still squat low to the forest floor as a tympole curious investigated their shoes.

They were completely unafraid, hands making strange signs he couldn’t recognize nor make sense of in the heat of battle.

Quickly, sawk threw out a karate chop but was met with a force palm instantly. Fluffy paw letting a pulse of aura-imbued energy before their body twisted, free foot swinging out in a devastating high jump kick that slammed into sawk’s face. His whole world sent reeling as he staggered back. Barely able to keep his feet under him as another force palm exploded into his face.

The canopy above swayed. Sunlight glittering in many erratic pieces despite his best effort to remain aware. Making him faintly dizzy as he closed his eyes to try and gather himself.

He expected to feel a pokeball slam into his chest. To feel the world close around him as the device tried to capture him for his new trainer.

Instead, he felt a gentle hand slip into his. Squeezing softly before turning it over and depositing something into it. It felt familiar. The shape filling his palm pleasantly as he reflexively clenched his fist for the prize.

“S-Sawk?” He opened his eyes just enough to see the dappled canopy above go dark. Soft strands of hair brushing over his face as that gentle hand rubbed his cheek.

They spoke to him then.

Their voice soft like a stream but rough like old bark under his palms.

“You fought wonderfully, sawk. I hope we can fight again someday.”

Despite himself, he was a little disappointed when they left. A curious pidove cooing at his prize until he held it to his chest. The scent of an oran berry filling his nose.

He loved his home in the forest and the freedom to train as he wished but… he suspected he could grow much stronger with a trainer like this one.

Even if they were silly enough to feed wild pokemon healing berries.

The skin of the oran berry broke under his teeth with a filling, sweet flavor. Ripe and perfect for the occasion.

Still, it seems he wasn’t deemed worthy of the human’s team—that’s alright though.

He had a good idea that at the very least, he’d been promised a rematch. And really, who was he to complain about such an opportunity?

--*--

Her kits played between the berry bushes. Little zoroa pouncing on fluffy gray tails as they darted to and fro, taunting each other in a silly game under the evening sun. Their form shifting to different pokemon on occasion. Eevee, lillipups, or even the occasional joltik for mischief. This was common and good practice for them, the older zoroark knew, recalling similar such games with her own littermates.

Suddenly, a boisterous and familiar riolu pounced just behind the youngest kit, startling them all with a hearty cry.

“Rii-olu~!”

Human-kept, clearly. The red bandana around their neck easy to spot against blue, black, and silver fur.

And familiar in an unmistakable way few pokemon could be. Gold fur splattered up their paws a perfect representation of his childish nature. As well as the human he protected.

The zoroark huffed, settling down for a nap, ear twitching in her mane as soft footsteps approached her from behind. The scent of fresh berries tickled her nose as a kerchief was slipped before her. A snack for indulging the pokemon’s intrusion, as well as the human’s.

Her nose slipped up the tidy knot and to the soft hand. Noting the familiar scent of paint on them. Fingertips curled around her muzzle, stroking the fur gently as her kits pounced onto the riolu. All of them collapsing in a pile of complaining fur. She reached out her paw and wrapped it around the human, pulling them in under her. Tucking the girl-human into her embrace. Settling her chin over the soft fabric hood with a huff.

They both nodded off on the soft grass under the warm sun, deep in Lostlorn forest. Eventually, the kits joined in after tiring themselves out. The riolu, just as energetic as their kin, kept watch though.

She wondered to herself if this human would get along well with the other one her kin helped raise…

Later perhaps.

The boy-human had found his own group of humans some time ago, though he still seemed so very lonely—if the words of her kin were anything to go by.

--*--

The door to her apartment closed with a soft click. Claws tapping along the tile as a very satisfied riolu strut into the entryway.

“Bath and then cake, okay?” Finley reminded him with a fond smile.

They both were covered in grass stains and dirt from their long walk around Unova.

“Ri-oolu~!” He barked happily, carrying the bakery box with their special cake.

It was a big night after all.

Finley turned nineteen today.

Plat skipped over to the kitchen, mindful of his dirty paws as he used his foot to open the fridge and put away the cake. Fin already making her way to the bathroom to ready the tub.

The apartment was rather upscale and large, high up over the city, though not nearly the tallest. Open concept that would lovingly accommodate even fairly large pokemon with relative ease. White tile and vaulted ceilings, murals she’d painted with landscapes from her dreams. A mountain crowned in light in the living room adjacent to the floor to ceiling windows overlooking the city. Fireplace centered in the heart of it like a cave with an iron grate, unused in the summer but deeply appreciated in the winter. Snippets of a beach littered with ships as the backsplash in the kitchen made from tiles to match the dark wood accents. Thick forests down the halls. Winter landscape in the office where she worked on her art.

Each one held pokemon appropriate for their region as they would be in the wild. Eating, fighting, sleeping, and mingling about.

It had been a project that took months, starting from her first day in the apartment. But it helped.

Honestly, just moving helped.

“Ri!” Plat called out, splashing the water in the tub.

Fin smiled and looked at him, having missed him walk in.

The master bath was a blessing. A corner shower stall with multiple shower heads able to function as a sauna and a massive bathtub with jets. All sturdy with clean tile and chrome. Accented with green rugs, towels, and accessories. Built with height and mass in mind.

The whole building was like that, really. Clearly intended for people with unusual pokemon.

Fin had seen a lot of pokemon, both in her building and the city surrounding it.

Some made her heart ache—but it was a good kind of ache.

Everyone was busy, but happy.

Well, Plat was actually looking annoyed at the delay for cake.

Their weekly walks always required a bath afterwards though, so he knew it was useless to argue by now. It would likely be worse if riolus were prone to self-grooming with some other pokemon were, but no. Even in the wild they preferred bathing in streams instead of licking themselves. Didn’t stop Plat from licking her when he wanted to be a shit though.

“Alright, let’s get cleaned up!” she laughed, picking up Plat and setting him gently into the tub. His fur was dense and curled in her fingers easily at every opportunity. He was a good sport about it, even when she scrubbed his toe beans and cleaned his ears. Dirt and debris floating off as his fur regained a healthy, clean shine. With a good rinse, and a vigorous toweling off, he was released to dry off in front of the windows with the diminishing sunlight. “I’ll be right out, and then it’s cake time, Plat.”

There was no mural in this bathroom like most of the apartment, the humidity a poor pairing with artwork, much like the kitchen. But the colored tiles she’d placed were her favorite.

Grassland with pokemon peaking through like little secrets.

Like the start of her own pokemon journey nine years ago. She was so small back then, the entire world seemed bigger than she’d ever be able to properly view. The tall grass swallowing her up with ease. It was kind of funny, looking back.

In a lot of ways, Finley never imagined she’d be so tall.

[lovethewayyoudoso]

Basketball Practice

(Just a silly little one-shot scene that was running through my head tonight.)

Rosaire sat on the second tier of the bleachers, his coat folded neatly in his lap below his idling hands, and smiled to himself as he watched the players run back and forth down the court. He didn't care for basketballs, or any sports for that matter, but he was feeling like he was overdue for some 'cute boyfriend stuff', as someone else would call it. So there he sat, with Fabienne, and a few dozen other scattered family members and onlookers.

It was a practice game between two local casual teams. Just adults who loved the sport and wanted something organized for the weekends. The red team was the home team, from the gym they were playing in; the yellow jerseys were from the west side of town. Some of the men had played back in senior high school or even university but most were purely hobbyists. Amongst Team Red was the local senior high phys-ed teacher and basketball coach, and he was surprisingly one of the youngest. Most of the other men were well into their forties, but Toshiya was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed compared to them.

Long legs sticking out of his running-style shorts and red tank-top jersey bearing the number 8, he looked like he was having an awful lot of fun. Rosaire couldn't tell if he was any good or not, but the score on the electronic board seemed to reflect his boyfriends enthusiasm.

The pair of French friends had shown up in the middle of the second quarter and found a nice wide open spot to sit. It was a bit annoying when another guest showed up and took a seat immediately behind them. It was quiet at first but before long...

"So are you two here for one of the players?" The woman was awfully peppy, far too much so for Rosaire.

Blue eyes gave a sideways glance to Fabienne, who smirked, before he turned partway back toward the other guest. "Yes, in fact we are."

"Oooh, which one? Number 22 is my boyfriend! He wants to join the amateur leagues one day." The women pointed out one of the red players and sighed overly sweetly.

"Aha, well, mine is--"

The buzzer sounded and the end of the quarter was called. The players all returned to their representative benches for water and a quick break. Number 22 happened to look up and spot his girlfriend, who began waving wildly and giggling as she screeched his name. Beside the other (somewhat) younger man was Toshiya, wiping his forehead off and looking up with a confused expression at the shrieking. His attention was immediately drawn to the other patrons, far more unique from the rest of the crowd.

"Oh! Ros! Fabe!" He smiled broadly and waved at his man and his assistant, both of which waved back. "What are you doing here?"

"Heads up!" another player called as a ball had been passed and was missed by its intended recipient, only to bounce right off the side of Toshiya's head. He stumbled aside with an 'oof!'. Rosaire stood up, looking a bit worried, but Fabienne remained seated and cackled.

"Hey, nice play!" Fabienne jeered and sipped at her beverage. Behind her the other woman looked horrified briefly and turned her attention to Rosaire.

He sighed, shoulders slumping, "Yes, that one is mine."

-

After the game, Rosaire and Fabienne stood and waited for Toshiya to jog over to them. It was no rush, but on the other hand... Rosaire had more than enough sports explanations from his friend for the day. And the girlfriend behind them.

"You two! What did you think?" A long arm reached out toward Rosaire and found his hip, about 50cm higher than where it usually was. He had to look upwards just a bit to share a sweet, quick kiss with his usually diminutive man. "Ooh, I kind of like that!" An endearingly dopey smile, "Maybe I need to find a tall boyfriend too, huh?"

Rosaire gave him a little sideways smirk, "You know, the sooner you get washed up and changed the sooner we can go out for dinner, go home, and I can be above you as long as you want."

"Oh, come on!" Fabienne laughed as Toshiya gave a little suggestive brow wiggle before turning a delightful shade of pink.

"Don't be so embarrassed, Fabienne... I'm usually ontop of him anyway. I love looking down into his sweet, puppy dog eyes."

"Ros!" "Rosaire!"

Another smirk and a laugh that was a borderline cackle, "Meet us out front, would you?"

"Oh you bet I will...!"

[merridelicious]

so there are a million answers to this question.

if you asked me this question at age five, bright eyed, bushy tailed, eight-in-the-morning alert, i still wouldn’t have an answer. what five year old would? i think I’d probably compare myself to a grilled cheese sandwich. two triangles pushed together to make a square. that was all i knew about geometry.

my mom tells me at age nineteen that marriage is overrated in the same conversation where i tell her about my second breakup with the same person. she knows i want to get married some day. she doesn’t know that most likely, it won’t be to a man. marriage doesn’t complete you, you complete you. that message has been shoved down my throat ever since i was eleven and had my first meaningful crush on someone (a girl. I kept it secret).

if you asked eleven year old me if she felt complete she would burst into tears and leave the room to hide under a blanket. she wrote a concerned letter to her parents (a cry for help) that they typed a response to rebutting every point. the point wasn’t to argue, but that’s what it turned into.

when i was nine i believed a best friend made you complete. I thought best friends meant you’d made it. (I still think they do, in a way, but my now best friend and I are our own people and we found each other after years apart.) she was shorter than i was and on several occasions tried to pick me up just to prove she could.

when i was fifteen i expanded that belief to a group of friends. I tried to make my own but then the pandemic hit and—well—it fell off the rails. as long as we have some people to lift up, and to lift us up.

i wish i could talk to my ninety-year-old self before i reached that age. maybe she has a cottage. maybe they share it with someone he dearly loves. I’m as scared of growing old just as much as i romanticize it. all i know is i don’t want to grow old alone.

Do you feel complete?

[threadbareturnbacks]

Black Sails and Facial Hair - Part 3, (Long) John Silver

One of the important aspects of character creation in Black Sails is that it proports to show not the Pirate Of Legend (a la POTC) but the Origin Of the Pirate Legend. But nothing can be created in a vacuum, you cannot reference pirate legend without engaging in some sort of historical storytelling that connects to the modern audience, which is, at its heart, the stuff of pirate legend. Narrative is an ouroboros, constantly eating its own tale. 

John Silver shows up bright eyed and busy tailed and a perfect picture of a late 18th century sailor, down to the black shoes. His hair is a little too short, but reasonable and he’s rocking just a shade of a five o’clock shadow, but nothing untoward for a merchant ship in 1715. He’s a bag of snakes and like any good bag of snakes, he could get off in any port in the New or Old World and slip into the crowd without being noticed. He is, like Flint in 1704, perfectly suited to his surroundings. Flint’s crew take him at face value, but we know that this is a skin he wears that gives him more freedom than the bewhiskered pirates around him.

Throughout the first season, he stays pretty well shaved and clean. I mean, look at our boy after 5 days at sea and a shipwreck. This is the face of a man who plans to disappear into civilization as soon as he can.  He even tells Flint, “I’ll find somewhere else to survive” - His appearance isn’t predicated on fitting in or telling a story, it’s predicated on survival. He’s handsome enough, but no one would look twice if they didn’t need to.

Unfortunately for Silver, everything he says comes true. And when he says “I don’t want to be a pirate”, well, I’ve got bad news for you snake man. He might say that out loud but his face tells a different story. After the capture of the galleon and his little Stomp Stomp routine, he stops shaving. It’s subtle at first. He’s still bright eye’d and bushy tailed (haired). But his hair is longer, his face is rougher. He’s starting to ingratiate himself with the crew, starting to become essential to Flint, starting to even find a place of belonging and in doing so, he drifts further from the safety of anonymity.  

By the end of S2, he’s teetering on the edge. He’s got the mustache but compared to almost the entire crew, he’s still relatively respectable. However, look at how different it shows up in the light verses the dark. He might look like a citizen in the day, but at night his true self comes through and it’s all pirate.

Just as Flint’s door is closed at the end of s2, so is Silver’s. He can never again be an anonymous citizen, a snake in the grass. He might be able to integrate, but never again without notice. And he reflects that in his face. A full, patchy beard, very long hair barely brushed or contained - this is not a man who can step off a boat in any city and blend in. He’s clearly not taking care of himself.

Amputees are occasionally depicted in 18th century illustration - often in two distinct ways: The Good - employed and respectable (and clean-shaven) and The Poor - unemployed, whiskered, and dirty. Silver’s decided that since he can’t blend in, he might as well lean into the stereotype.   

Additionally, there are instances of white men with beards living in the ‘civilized world’, particularly England and North America, but their lives are not easy. The beard is an essential feature of their Otherness, often Jewishness, and choosing to exist with that facial hair is a conscious statement. Whether as a statement of faith or as embracing his new condition, his beard is a clear rejection of reintegration or assimilation.

Contrast Silver’s unruly mop to Flint’s managed goatee, which he keeps neat and clean. The two of them, to an early 18th century observer, would make a terrifying pair, appearing as a mad Jacobean and a feral beggar, both ready to kill and not to be trusted under any circumstance. Quite literally the stuff of cultural nightmares and a sign of society unraveling. 

Madi’s presence helps a bit, as does his standing as Long John Silver in Nassau. His hair is more managed but the beard does not get any less wild. And he mostly stays this way through the rest of the show.  

(a side note: the slick hair from the doldrums on is actually a factor of the production. Many outdoor scenes were filmed in the wind and to avoid Silver’s hair flying everywhere, it was slicked back, from Fathoms Deep)    

By the time his in the forest, dealing himself his own emotional death knell, he is as uncontained as we see him. The beard and the hair are one, there is no pretense of return or control. He has become undone, he is scrambling to grasp at the last tendrils of his humanity.  

Which makes his final scene all the more fascinating. Because the last we see of John Silver makes him look downright professional. He’s still rocking the beard, but it’s trimmed, his hair is in a neat tail, he is no longer wearing heavy layers, or even sagging his back all that much. He looks, for lack of a better word, civilized. Certainly far more civilized than we have any right to expect him to look after what we’ve seen.

He’s made his choice. He has chosen the safety of society over the wild uncertainty of war and resistance. He’s back, in essence, where he started. Able to walk into any port in the known world and be just another invalid, returning from war. 

But the last year has done a number on him. He’ll never fully integrate. He hasn’t quite abandoned his pirate self (the beard remains), but he’s willing to work within the rules. He’ll never be fully in the system, but never fully out of it. He’ll always be on the shore, never on the sea or on land. He’ll always be a character archetype, never a full person. His existence is now essentially liminal, just as he wears a beard and a ponytail, a combination that is exceptionally odd for the period, but just perfect for our last view of the famed pirate king. 

Part 1 - History of Beards

Part 2 - Captain Flint