#coming from me ive been in my binder for 4 hours and i feel like an overstuffed sausage in an evil sweaty casing

[astralmlm]

honestly its time for autistic & adhd trans masc positivity. yall motherfuckers are braver than ANY US marine. binders are the ultimate sensory hell and yall be spending ALL DAY! in a binder! every day! in these sausage casing ass scraps of Evil Polyester. fr yall are the goats youre so strong and sexy for surviving this shit keep it going kings

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

my dysphoria has been very bad recently and i have found it very difficult to do things like showering, changing and sleeping especially. ive been over wearing my binder a lot because i find it very difficult to bring myself to take it off, and i keep wearing it for 30+ hours at a time which i know is bad but i currently have no other alternative and not wearing one feels worse than the pain i get by overwearing. i hate wearing sports bras and ive run out of transtape, i have ordered more but it probably won’t be coming for another couple of weeks. i don’t know what to do because i don’t want to damage my body severely, is there anything else i can do?

Lee says:

As you know, wearing a binder for extended periods can lead to severe health issues, including respiratory problems, rib fractures, and skin conditions.

When you feel like doing something that's harming you physically is your only option to cope because your dysphoria is that intense, you should look into getting a therapist.

Frequently binding for 30+ hours isn't a sustainable option and finding alternative coping strategies will be easier with professional help to help you deal with what you're doing through.

Two posts that might help with your specific questions are Staying clean and coping with shower-related dysphoria and Dysphoria when you have to sleep and those two posts really cover most of what I have to say on those subjects so I won't reinvent the wheel by typing the same thing but I encourage you to read both links.

Apart from that, in the next couple of weeks as you wait for your TransTape to arrive (And start the process of seeking a therapist!) here are some strategies you can try doing:

1. Layered Clothing:

Wearing loose, layered clothing can help obscure the chest area. Consider wearing baggy shirts, jackets, or vests to help reduce the visibility of your chest.

Luckily it's fall time (at least here in the East Coast) so it's starting to get a little bit cooler, some days, and I wear a sweater (at work) or sweatshirt (when at home) like 100% of the time just because I'm always cold and it's also an Autistic sensory friendly thing for me too.

See more: Body neutrality

2. Distraction Techniques:

Engage in activities that take your mind off your dysphoria. This could be reading, drawing, journaling, listening to music, watching movies or TV, or any other hobby or activity that you enjoy and find absorbing.

Engage in self-care activities that actually make you feel good about yourself, not just doomscrolling social media. And for those times when you are on social media, if you're currently following anyone who makes you stressed/unhappy, stop following them. It's your feed and you're in charge!

But if you find that it's hard to do the necessary activities of everyday living because you find yourself spending most of your time engaging in distraction techniques, and you're falling behind on homework/work, that's another sign that you need additional support from a mental health professional.

3. Grounding Techniques:

Practicing mindfulness can help you stay present and reduce distressing thoughts, but the kind of nebulous meditation stuff never worked well for my ADHD brain.

Guided meditation

15 meditation tips

How to do progressive muscle relaxation

Body scan relaxation exercise

Mindfulness skills and worksheets masterpost

Imagery

Imagery self-help

Relaxation

Relaxation audio

Safe-place visualization

I found specific things like grounding exercises, like the "5-4-3-2-1" technique (identifying five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste), can help divert your attention from dysphoric feelings if you're having a Moment. This type of strategy is useful when you start to notice yourself spiraling to try and re-center yourself.

Soothing grounding exercise

Physical grounding exercise

Mental grounding exercise

Grounding techniques

How to make a grounding box

Grounding exercises

How to ground and center

4. Stay connected:

Connect with in-person and/or online LGBTQ+ support groups who understand what you're going through. Sharing your feelings and hearing from others who have similar experiences can be comforting and it can help you to learn new coping strategies and things to try.

In general, avoiding isolation is important. Join a club or volunteer for something, join a sports team, hang out with your friends, etc. Just don't stay alone in your room. Get out of the house if you can, or invite people over or have video calls or phone calls if aren't up to being out and about. Just stay in contact with people.

See more: Motivating yourself to socialize

5. Set Alarms:

Consider setting alarms or reminders to take off your binder and give your body a break. Even short breaks can help reduce the risk of injury.

Here are some links that may help in general:

9 strategies for dealing with body dysphoria

How do I deal with dysphoria?

20 Small Things To Do When Gender Dysphoria Gets You Down

25 Things I Do To Make My Body Dysphoria Feel Smaller and Quieter

More on coping with dysphoria

Dealing with dysphoria

A post with suggestions for coping with dysphoria

Take care of your mental health

8 tips for managing dysphoria and mental health

A coping tip

Disablity-friendly dysphoria tips

Dysphoria that prevents you from leaving the house/doing activities of daily living

Your feelings are valid, and it's essential to find ways to manage your dysphoria that prioritize your health and well-being. There isn't a secret dysphoria cure I can share with you, to be frank it just sucks sometimes and there's not a lot to do about it but you gotta find a way to cope and keep going and stay safe.

Eventually it gets better-- you either find a way to cope more effectively and manage the dysphoria and/or time just passes and you grow older and eventually find a way to access surgery, but either way you will eventually become an adult who is managing life somehow and overall doin' okay and yeah there's hope at the end of the tunnel so please keep going!

You deserve care, support, and understanding, even if your family isn't able to provide that right now. And again, apart from the two links that I started the response with, the main advice I have is that you should ask to speak with a therapist (even if you are closeted and don't tell your fam that it's gender/binding/dysphoria related) and just let them know that you're struggling with your mental health in general.

Please reach out for help if you need it, and consider seeking medical attention if you experience severe pain or discomfort from binding. Good luck!!

As some of you may have noticed, our blog has been around for a decade or so and some links may be broken because we're all busy etc so pls let me know if something is wonky in a post I'm trying to link to!

Followers, any advice for anon?

[flamestoflight]

~homeowner things~

lol this week has been so nuts in terms of house stuff. 

Ever since Ida passed through my sump pump has been alarming like every 15 minutes nonstop and I have spent over 2 hours trying to troubleshoot and no success. Ended up turning it off on the breaker just so it would stop alarming and thankfully have a plumber coming over to look at it Friday

I took out a wasps nest!! actually physically removed it today was super proud of myself for handling it by myself even though its not really a big deal probably.

also set up a hose/sprinkler for my back lawn today and when i tried to turn it on water came pouring out of the faucet like not actually coming through the hose?? don’t have it in me to figure that out today with all the stuff i’ve been doing lol but i sense another 2 hour project coming up soon.....and then probably calling a plumber anyways

between yesterday and today have spent >1 hour going back and forth between the county tax bureau and my mortgage company over this tax bill that i got and no one can give me a clear answer about it and it is sooooo freaking frustrating. still unsure where i stand with it

did pay some other taxes/bills today

and FINALLY this afternoon went though this HUGE folder that i have where i shove all my important-looking mail and other important documents (e.g. the deed to my house, my mortgage ID number and info, my gas/electric account info, etc.) and I organized it all into a big binder with folders and stuff. 

also FINALLY finished breaking down the last of the boxes to be recycled. it’s been like 4 weeks that ive filled up my recycling with broken down boxes from moving/ordering furniture etc. and as of this afternoon it’s finally all out of my basement!

also cleared out my office room and the desk space, organized all my stuff and made drawers for different categories of things lol.

and we might end up cancelling the couch order (that was placed 2 months ago and will still allegedly take another 6 weeks to be delivered) and just get one from costco instead that will be delivered in like a week soooo that would be cool if that worked out!

i’m super wiped and dying for a nap but i might just go with more coffee and continuing to power through. still gotta meal prep for the rest of the week, do laundry, finish vacuuming, take care of some stuff for the cats, unpack from the weekend, etc. Although this can all get really stressful and overwhelming I feel pretty damn accomplished and want to acknowledge myself for that

[appalachianwiine]

Swim Chapter 9 - A Friend

Chapter 9

And if it feels like it's already over

Lean in closer, rest your bones

You've got a friend when times get mean

Yeah, in the meantime I'm on your team

“In the Meantime” - Randall Kent

The day passed in an odd sense of time for Carol, while the kids and her classes kept her busy enough the moments between periods and over lunch seemed to stretch on forever. The opening and closing of the heavy classroom doors shoved and yanked by teenagers all too ready to leave class brought back clear memories of heavy hospital doors being swung open and the room filling with people. Every time a phone would chime or the office would call she’d be dragged back to memories of the nurses calling in codes and shouting for doctors.

3 o’clock came and went and instead of staying after to grade papers or work on paperwork she started cleaning up the classroom to leave. To get to the hospital by 430 she needed to be out of here by 4. She moved robotically through the motions of wiping down the desks and straightening the textbooks. Her mind was with Lydia and Daryl now.

She knew all too well the feeling of being in one of those rooms, time lost to the hospital. Morning, noon, and night change to first shift, second shift, third shift. Hours turning to IV drip times and vitals checks. It could crush a person alone like that and Daryl seemed to think he was very alone. She got the sense he had been for a long time and it worried her. It reminded her of Leah and Matthew really, they’d come from a small farm in northern Georgia and despite all of Carol’s pushing and offering and turning up Leah had never been friendly. Even Ezekiel hadn’t managed to get more then a few words at a time from the woman and he could get just about anybody to talk. She didn’t want to see Daryl and Lydia facing the same sort of isolation.

Carol stopped to pick up coffee for her and Daryl on the way to the hospital. It wasn’t a lot but sometimes a warm drink that wasn’t crappy hospital coffee could make a difference. Pulling into the hospital parking lot she spots a familiar face. The dark haired woman and little boy who’d come to see Lydia and Daryl a few days ago.

“Excuse me!” Carol calls, hurrying to catch up. The woman turns around. “Sorry sorry are you going to see Daryl and Lydia?”

“Yes.” The woman nods. “You must be Carol, from the group. I’m Dr. Grimes.”

“Yeah, Carol.” Carol nods. “Dr. Grimes, it’s nice to met you. Have you known Daryl for long?”

“Seven years almost. Carl was just a baby when my husband and Daryl started working together.” Dr. Grimes says. “I’ve been Lydia’s pediatrician since Daryl adopted her four years ago.”

“Oh.” Carol frowns, “Then you -”

“Caught the cancer?” Dr. Grimes nods. “Yeah, something was wrong, I pushed the lab to expedite the sample, and I’m glad I did it but I have to say that wasn’t ever a call I expected to make in my career. Especially not to someone I know so personally like Daryl. It’s the worst phone call I’ve ever made.”

“I can imagine.” Carol nods. “But I’m glad he has friends behind him, he needs them.”

“Well maybe you could tell him to call every now and then.” Dr. Grimes mutters, pressing the elevator door button. “He nearly gave us a heart attack the first time he called. It was nearly a full 24 hours after he came to the hospital.”

“It’s overwhelming.” Carol frowns. “Learning your kid is that sick, I’m sure he didn’t mean to worry you. He’s a nice guy.”

“He’s too nice.” Dr. Grimes sighs. “Carl step away from the doors or they won’t close.” She pulls the little boy back a step or two by his shirt. “Every time i call it’s vague answers and I know he doesn’t want to worry us but still…”

“He doesn’t want to be a burden.” Carol nods. “It’s - it’s pretty common in this world. Most people pull away when they learn you or your child has cancer. And the ones that don’t - we don’t want to burden the people who stay.”

“He’s always been like that.” Dr. Grimes sighs. “I just wish I knew how to help so he didn’t have to ask.”

“I can help with that.” Carol offers. “If you want.”

“Really?” Dr. Grimes says, ushering Carl out of the elevator. “What can we do.”

“Well - right now… everything is kind of managed for them, the doctors and nurses tell him how to clean, when to eat and sleep, what medications to take when.” Carol explains as they begin the walk down the hall. “When they get home, it’s - it’s going to be a lot scarier. Because then everything is on Daryl. If you’d like my help I’d like to help prepare the house for when he and Lydia get back. Pill organizers, cleaning supplies, wound care, that sort of thing.”

“Okay.” Dr. Grimes says. “Yeah, of course we’ll help.”

“Moooommmmm” Carl whines. “You’re being slow.”

“Alright, alright.” Dr. Grimes rolls her eyes good naturedly. “Sorry about him, this is the most he and Lydia have been apart in a long time. They were in the same class at school, and they were supposed to go to camp together this summer.”

“It’s fine.” Carol chuckles, picking up the pace slightly.

Lydia’s room has a white board attached to the door reading;

LYDIA DIXON - 8 YRS

IV VINCRISTINE

“Mom what’s vin - vin -” Carl frowns. “That?”

“It’s medicine baby.” Dr. Grimes says. “To help Lydia get better, but it might make her feel sick so we need to be quiet and calm when we go in okay?”

“Okay.” Carl nodded solemnly, reaching for his moms hand.

Carol leans forward and knocks on the door.

“Come in.” A tired, gruff voice says.

Carol pushes the door open and holds it for Dr. Grimes and Carl to go in first. Lydia is curled up in a ball on Daryl’s lap, pale as a ghost and wrapped in a blanket.

“Carl!” Lydia mutters, moving off Daryls lap and holding her arms out. Carl looks up at his mom and she nudges him forward. That’s all it takes for him to rush over and embrace Lydia.

“Hey Daryl.” Carol smiles. “I brought you decent coffee.”

“Thank.” He mutters, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. “T’ be hones I think I’m too tired t’ tell the decent stuff from the shit stuff.”

“Long night?” Carol asks.

“Yeah.” Daryl mutters. “Thanks fer comin’.”

“Of course.” She offers a supportive smile.

“How’s Carl an’ Judith?” Daryl asks turning to Dr. Grimes.

“Judith started walking, much to Shane’s horror. I sometimes forget this is the first baby he’s responsible for.” Dr. Grimes chuckles.

“Hey that’s a hell of a shock.” Daryl says. “Imagine getting a four year old and having no parenting experience.”

“You’re doing great.” Dr. Grimes says.

“Thanks Lori.” Daryl mutters. “So uh, you met Carol?”

“Yeah we ran into each other in the parking lot.” Carol nods. “So, how you holding up?”

“Um.” He glances at Lydia and Carl, who are now both wrapped in Lydia’s blanket on the end of the bed and whispering to each other. “It’s uh - it’s been a rough day. Henry and Ezekiel came by earlier, tha’ was nice. But It’s just kinda...”

“Numb?” Carol asks quietly.

“Yeah.” Daryl nods. “Numb. I was uh lookin’ at this binder and it’s - it’s like… it’s insane. I mean, three months in the hospital getting intensive chemotherapy. How do - how I even prepare for that?”

“You ask for help.” Lori whispers. “And you take it when it’s offered.”

“She’s right Daryl.” Carol says. “Those stays are impossibly hard when you’re on your own, so you let us help.”

Daryl didn’t look so sure about that, and next to her, Lori folded her arms. “Daryl Dixon. You’re not on your own anymore and trying to do it all on your own isn’t going to let you focus on Lydia. So you’re going to let us help. Got it?”

“Alright, alright.” Daryl runs a hand over his face.

“And right now you’re going to let us help by going down to the cafeteria with Carol and getting some real food.” Lori continues, looking over at Carol and raising an eyebrow. “Because if theres one thing you look like you could use right now it’s a good meal and an adult conversation.”

“I shouldn’t leave Lydia.” Daryl argues.

“She’s fine.” Lori insists. “She knows me, and she and Carl can watch a movie.”

“Lyd?” Daryl asks quietly. The little brunette turns back to look at her dad. “You okay if I go get some food with Ms. Carol?”

Lydia cocks her head and looks between the two of them. “I… I guess. You’ll come back?”

“Soon as I’m done.” Daryl nods, leaning over and kissing her hair.

“Okay.” Lydia nods.

“You two want to watch a movie?” Lori asks, motioning them out of the room.

Daryl lingers and Carol reaches out and touches his arm lightly. “Come on, they’ll be fine.”

Daryl doesn’t say a word until they’re out of the room. “Sorry about Lori she’s just -”

“She’s looking out for you.” Carol cuts him off. “I know it feels awful leaving her right now, but you have to take a minute to recharge too. Come on, I’ll buy you lunch.”

“You don’t have -”

“I’m doing it.” Carol insists. “We can go over that if you want.” She nods at the binder still in his hands. “I uh, I know pretty well whats in there. I’m sure you have questions.”

“Oh.” He frowns at the folder. “Do uh - do we have to?”

“No.” Carol says, stepping into the elevator. “We can just chat if you want. Try to get your mind off of everything in there.”

Fifteen minutes later she and Daryl are sat with a soda and sandwich each at the back of the cafeteria. Daryl seems to realize he’s hungry and inhales half the sandwich without a word, he pauses abruptly, mayonnaise on his face and turns red.

“Sorry.” He mutters, reaching for a napkin. “I uh -”

“No need.” Carol smiles. “I’ve been there, any food you have eaten has been eaten in between what little sleep you’re getting.”

“Not gettin’ much ‘f either at the momen’.” Daryl mutters. “Lydia was up most of the nigh’ sick again. Probably will be again t’night. The only time she settles is when I hold her.”

“Yeah Sophia was like that.” Carol nods, taking a bite of her own sandwich.”

“I’m usually pretty strict ‘bout everyone sleepin’ in their own bed but I can’t bring myself t’ say no right now.”

“Sophia only slept with me when she was sick too.” Carol nods. “I was always bad at saying ‘no’ while she was sick, but they do need some semblance of structure and routine.”

“Yeah.” Daryl nods taking a swig of his coke. “Tha’s gonna be hard, I know when we get home an’ she’s safe an’ secure again she’s gonna lash out an’ stuff, but I’m gonna have a damn hard time keeping boundaries.”

“I did too.” Carol nods. “Sophia was processing a lot at her diagnosis - our living situation had changed, I left her dad, it was a nightmare.” Silence hangs between them. “Have they said when you’re going home?”

“Hopefully sometime next week.” Daryl mutters.

“Okay.” Carol nods. “Lori and I are going to get the house ready for you okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” Carol sighs. “You’ll need some things, medical supplies, pill organizers, hand sanitizer, bedding. Something I like to do for the families here is help get their house ready to be home again.”

“You don’-” He stops, seeming to take what they’d said earlier in. “Thanks Carol.”

“It’s why I’m here.” She says, taking a bite of her own sandwich. “No one was for Sophia and I and I’m not gonna let that happen to anyone.”

“Her dad a dick?” The blunt way he says it makes her raise her eyebrows. “Sorry.” He mutters sheepishly. “I uh - I shouldn’ ha-“

“It’s fine.” She says quickly. “He uh - he was yeah. I left because I thought he hurt our little girl.” The words tumble out before she can stop them and she blinks, stunned at herself. She never spoke of Ed. She never spoke of why she was single. She left it at messy divorce and that was that.

“Shit.” Daryl mutters.

“Yeah.” Carol nods.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Nah.” He shakes his head. “It ain’. Ain’ nothing I can say gonna make it okay neither.”

There’s that blunt honesty again. Harsh, but welcome. No ‘I’m so sorry that happened’ or ‘you’re so strong’ just ‘ain’ nothing I can say gonna make it okay neither.’

“You’re special victims yeah?” Carol asks.

“Yeah.” Daryl nods.

“So I guess you’ve seen some of that.” She nods.

“Yeah.”

Silence hangs between them again.

“Thanks.” He says. “Fer all yer doin’ fer Lydia an’ I.”

“You don’t need to thank me, I’ve walked this path before. A little closer then I’d like, so if you need anything or just want some adult conversation just call.” Carol says.

“I- yeah, I will.” Daryl nods. “I uh, didn’ mean t’ scare ya this mornin’ if I did. I jus’ - you’re the only person I could think of to call.”

“That’s what I’m here for.” She smiles, reaching across the table and squeezing his hand. “You’re a good dad Daryl, and you’re gonna get through this.” Her attempt at a reassuring smile falls a little flat, because this time she’s not telling the entire truth. He will get through it, but Lydia? She was a different story all together, one with possibilities no parent wants to face.

[not-actually-human]

I posted 2,098 times in 2021

138 posts created (7%)

1960 posts reblogged (93%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 14.2 posts.

I added 186 tags in 2021

#cr spoilers - 69 posts

#empires smp - 25 posts

#cr liveblog - 24 posts

#critical role - 18 posts

#cr c3 - 10 posts

#trans - 9 posts

#nonbinary - 8 posts

#dsmp - 8 posts

#cr - 8 posts

#imogen temult - 7 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#tumblr user relaxxattack i want you to know that youve made me cry enough already and at this point i will require you to pay for my therapy

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

have i been listening to shut up and cheer on loop for the past 4 hours? yes, yes i have.

68 notes • Posted 2021-09-06 21:59:05 GMT

#4

a very quick sketch based off of @davekrtzyy‘s geminitay empires outfit board. this was like legit a lot of fun lol

85 notes • Posted 2021-09-07 02:29:06 GMT

#3

you dont get to tell me that representation doesnt matter when im crying over cemetery boys because its the first book ive ever read with a trans main character. i didnt realize how much this book would mean to me. because ive never had that in books or any media.

it is so fucking important that young kids have characters and stories that they can relate to and see themselves in because previous queer generations didnt have this. im still very young and part of a generation that is being exposed to more representation, and even i didnt see any queer characters until late middle school.

so when i see a character talking about things like his family deadnaming and misgendering him, wearing a binder and being uncomfortable without it, and not feeling confident enough to even use the correct bathroom, i think, “hey, i feel those things. i experience these things. i resonate with these things.” and i want all young lgbtqia kids to have that feeling because its the fucking best thing in the world.

88 notes • Posted 2021-08-25 10:42:39 GMT

#2

He ignored it. It wasn’t real, someone was just pranking him. A demon? That's absolutely ridiculous. He went about his life as normal, mining, building, and repeating. There was a routine to it that he somewhat appreciated. He would fly over to the ocean on occasion, or the swamp. He would help his allies when they needed help, and then he would assume business as normal. The vines someone kept building around his palace didn’t really bother him, so he left them be. There weren’t that many anyways, not in comparison to the other empires.

So whatever. He really didn’t understand why everyone else was so concerned. There was no reason to panic, he insisted to his friends. No reason to panic when a messenger sprinted into his palace, talking much too fast for it to be a normal message between kingdoms. No reason to panic at all. Especially not when they say something about the ocean kingdom being overtaken. She's fine. The demon isn't real. There's no reason to panic.

He wasn’t panicking as he excused himself from the room, as he stumbled outside and took off in the direction of his wife’s kingdom. He wasn't panicking as he saw the lily pads and houses and palace below him, all covered in corruption. He wasn’t panicking when he saw her collapsed on the floor of her palace, covered in red vines.

A week later he walks into a completely different castle, in a land of flowers, not coral.

“How can I help?” he asks, tired and filled with grief, now unable to enjoy the bliss that comes with ignorance.

165 notes • Posted 2021-09-27 13:31:04 GMT

#1

watching hermitcraft geminitay: oh haha fun woodland builds, hanging out with friends, cottagcore aesthetic, overall a chill, kinda chaotic but in a good way, comfy vibe!

watching empires geminitay: a wizard isolated and alone in the mountains, complex morality and selfishness vs. selflessness, being in possession of the only thing that could save the server, watching her friends lose sense of themselves, seeing her kingdom and her friends kingdoms being overtaken by an evil force

175 notes • Posted 2021-09-20 10:08:29 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[emergenciesstory]

Patience with the Patient 1

Story Masterlist

Hospital prompts in Bold

You sighed as you swiped your badge on the units door, taking another long sip of your coffee. Walking to the desk, you quickly tossed your bag under it and logged in, pulling up patient charts for the night. You glanced at the screen, waving to Derrick as he passed you on his rounds, scanning through the charts.

“You’re here!” Jessica, the day nurse smiled, coming to you with patient binders. 

“Hey J, Thanks so much for covering while I was in class. I’ll take two hours from your morning.” You smiled, spinning to look at her.

“You better. I have to take the tots to preschool.” She smirked, taking a sip of your coffee and pulling charts. “These two, beds 1 and 3, are being discharged and then held empty for heart surgeries in the morning, ETA 9a. Bed 4 is going to rehab down the road. Sweet woman, knee replacement. Transport has been called and report given to dispatch, they should be here any moment.”

You nodded, scanning through her notes from entry that weren’t in the system yet. 

“And lastly, bed 2.” She handed you the chart, looking sadly at it.

“Who’s in Bed 2?” You asked, scanning the entry sheet. “Coma admission?”

“John Doe. Poor thing’s an amputee of the left arm with scars covering most of his chest from it. Someone dropped him, bloody, in the ER and left before he was even admitted.” Jessica paused lost in thought. “Only just got a line in, fluids. Seems to be stable.”

“Thanks Jessica. Enjoy your night.” You smiled at your friend, taking the charts and heading to the Bed 1 for your round.

Beds 1 and 3 signed their discharge paperwork and had family assist them in leaving. The transport team showed up while you were chatting briefly with Bed 4, you told them what they needed and helped transfer her to their stretcher with her belongings. You stripped the rooms quickly for cleaning to come in and headed to Bed 2, your only patient. 

The figure in the bed barely resembled a man, mud and bloody bandages covering his body, his hair matted and an unruly beard. You sighed, going to the supply room and grabbing the things you would need, stopping at the linens cart to grab fresh sheets and towels as well. Pulling up the side table, you laid everything out and filled a basin with warm water.

“No wonder no one identified you.” You murmured softly, wetting one of the towels. “We can’t see past this mess. Don’t worry, I’ve got you now.” 

You set to work, cleaning the mud out of his long brunette hair  and trimming his beard of the matted parts. You changed bandages as you went, making notes of all injuries and their conditions for the next nurse. A knock on the door made you stop, looking over the new man before you.

“I figured I’d find you in here.” Derrick said softly, coming to join you as you cleaned up all the soiled supplies. “Wow, he looks a lot better.”

“Just doing my part.” You smiled, turning the lights back to dim in the room. “I had the time.” 

“Speak of time, grab a bite with me?” Derrick asked, following you out of the room.

“Always.” 

_______

John Doe remained unidentified for the next three weeks. No one claimed a missing persons report, and though his wounds healed abnormally fast, he was not getting any better. Starting at the one week mark, he began having what looked like localized seizures, but all scans and tests came up negative for anything wrong with him. Because of this, whomever was on his case had him alone, and you requested to stay on the case. 

Night after night, you curled into the chair beside his bed, watching his monitors and working on your schoolwork. You yawned, the words on the page blurring together with your notes. The clock read 0200am, you set the books down thinking of going to grab a bite and stretch your legs. You saw Derrick leaving his patients room and smiled, heading for the door.

A monitor tone stopped you dead in your tracks, and you moved quickly back to the patient. You checked his IV, everything running properly. The heart rate increased, and you prepared for another seizure, grabbing the medication that would need to be administered. The jerking never came. You waited for five minutes on high alert, eyes flickering up to his face. Bright grey eyes looked back at you, groggy, but looking panicked. His hand moved up towards his mouth, reaching for the tube. 

“Okay, It can come out, just give me a second.” You said softly, grabbing a pair of gloves and sitting him up slightly. “This will feel odd, okay? On the count of three. One. Two. Three.” You pulled the tube out quickly, turning off the ventilator and grabbing a glass of water. His hand met yours quickly, taking the glass readily.

“You gave me quite the scare.” you smiled softly, standing close. He looked around the room slowly, no response on his face. “I’m Y/n, I’ve been your primary night nurse since you came to us. Can you tell me your name?” 

“James.” He said after a moment. It was rough and quiet, and he cleared his throat softly. “James Barnes.”

[thebrotherswholoved]

unconditionally

summary: A short lil’ drabble in which Sam and Dean have a teenaged kid who reveals a secret to them.

words: 1.7k

read on ao3 (please)

⇣ ⇣ ⇣

Sam and Dean’s daughter comes home from school one day with a black eye, bruises, and a limp, making it difficult to sneak past her overbearing dads unnoticed. Her arm is probably broken given the deformity in her wrist, but that’s not what really hurts—no, it’s now how those kids beat her up, it’s why. Her secret is killing her, now literally as well as figuratively.

When the fifteen year old tries to get through the door after walking from her bus stop, she doesn’t expect her fathers to be home. Her dad works as a forensic analyst down at the police department and her papa is a medical assistant, so they rarely get home before five o’clock even if they work the same hours. So when she stumbles into the foyer like a fawn learning to walk, wincing with every movement because god, those kids fucked her up, she’s surprised to hear a concerned gasp and footsteps running toward her weakened body.

“Jenna, what the hell happened?!” Dean asks as he takes his daughter into his arms, trying to be as gentle as possible with her while he carries her to the couch. A Maury Povich rerun is still playing onscreen from seconds earlier when he and Sam were snuggling together on their break, but he drowns out the results of Donna whatever-her-name-was’s paternity test to take care of his little girl.

Sam hustles in from the powder room with a hospital-worthy first aid kit in hand and joins his husband and daughter on the sofa to get a better look at her wounds. She’s got bruises running up and down her arms, a laceration on her forehead, a sprained ankle, a black eye, and a fractured wrist (that would have to be determined by a doctor, but he’s basically one, right?)—a whole mess of blood and hurt.

“Oh, baby…” he pushes her hair back and hisses at the dried blood staining her skin, “what happened? Who did this to you?”

Jenna, scared to death, attempts to stand up and ‘walk it off’ only to be ushered back to a sitting position between the two men.

“Uh…” she winces at her split lip, making it incredibly difficult to talk coherently, “these kids, four or five of ‘em I think, ganged up on me. I’m fine, though; you don’t have’ta baby me.”

Dean shakes his head and tries to remain calm, even though every fiber of his being is telling him to track those bastards down and make sure they’ll never come after his little girl again. “Jen, you got hurt pretty bad. If Sammy can’t fix you up, we’re takin’ you to the hospital.”

The teen shakes her head in an adamant plea, tears coming to her emerald eyes. “No! Please, no. That’ll just make it worse.”

“Hey, we’ll only go if we have to.” Sam assures the brunette in his arms, knowing full well that she hates hospitals. In the fourth grade she had to go in for an emergency appendectomy, and she passed out when the nurse put her IV in. “Can you lift up your shirt a little, bug? I’m not gonna look, I’ve just gotta check your stomach.”

Her face goes pale at this, but she reluctantly nods her head and pulls her flannel shirt up to expose her abdomen. To his relief, Sam finds no hardness or tenderness when he presses around her midsection, instead becoming perplexed at another finding. When he pulls her shirt back down, his finger brushes against something that feels like an ACE bandage.

Biting his lip, he looks down at her as she places an ice pack over her left eye. “Did you try bandaging yourself already, Jen? ‘Cause I thought I felt a wrap around your ribs.”

Jenna looks like she’s going to be sick with anxiety. Ignoring all the pain in her body, she begins hyperventilating when she tries to speak, and Sam holds her tight to calm her down. Dean works her through her breathing—4, 5, 7—and they wait until she had enough control over herself to finish her thought.

“N-no, I—that’s for s-something else.” She’s crying now, borderline hysterical: a sight that makes her fathers want to start weeping as well. They look at her and silently ask her to elaborate, but she bites her bloody lip and shakes her head. “I don’t…I can’t tell you. I just can’t. You’ll be pissed and hate me forever.”

Her papa takes her hand in his and looks her in the eye. “Bug, you can tell your dad and I anything. We’ll never judge you, ever.”

“We promise,” Dean chimes in. “I mean, your papa and I were literally in a sanitarium for, like, a week. Right, babe?”

“Yeah.” Sam nods with a chuckle. “So, whatever you need to tell us, we can guarantee that we’ve heard and dealt with worse.”

These words seem to help Jenna compose herself and conjure up the courage needed to reveal this part of her identity she’s kept secret for so long. It’s been so rough lying to her dads since she discovered that she is who she is two years ago and she’s exhausted. Maybe, just maybe, they’ll be alright with it.

“Okay,” she whispers, lowering the ice from her bruised eye. “You know how there are some kids who…I dunno, they don’t feel comfortable in their bodies, I guess?”

The younger brother thinks for a moment then nods like a lightbulb went off in his head. “Yeah! Those teens with gender identity disorder and stuff. I worked with a girl who had that, got her on estrogen.”

Dean smiles at his husband’s comment and ponders the correlation before turning back to Jenna, thoroughly confused. “What about them?”

The fifteen year old is fumbling with the hem of her shirt now. She’s barely been able to come out to her best friend, and now her parents? That’s a huge leap. But, she’s hidden for long enough—she won’t let this kill her. Not like how it’s killed so many others. “I…I’m one of those k-kids. I’m sorry, Dad…Papa…”

Sam sits in silence for a few seconds before he hears crying from beside him, the figure in his arms shaking violently. He locks eyes with his husband, who nods with a small, understanding smile, and clears his throat.

“Hey, don’t cry,” he cooes, running his fingers through the long hair rubbing against his arm—that will probably have to go. “This doesn’t change a damn thing, bug. Your dad and I love you more than anything else in this world, and something this isn’t going to change that. You don’t have to be our Jenna for us to love you.”

“If it’s any consolation, I didn’t agree with your papa when he chose your name,” Dean leans in to mutter, earning him a bitch face from Sam and a small chuckle from the ball of emotion beside him. “Do you want us to call you somethin’ different? I can’t promise that I’ll get it immediately, but I’ll try my best.”

The teen looks up at him with reddened eyes and smiles a bit. “Jack. I like the name Jack…is that okay?”

“Sure thing, Jack,” Dean kisses his son’s head and feels his tears wet his Led Zeppelin lounge shirt. He’s not alarmed, though; he knows that these tears are happy ones. “Alright, now that you’ve got that off your chest…get it?”

His husband snorts a bit and Jack laughs from beside him, now confident in his choice to tell the two idiots he’s proud to call his dads.

The older man coughs and carries on talking. “Now that that’s aired out, how ‘bout we watch Maury Povich while Papa patches you up, yeah?”

No longer hesitant, the boy nods and doesn’t really feel his physical pain over his emotional exuberance. Sam moves to grab some antiseptic but stops himself, first turning back to Jack and nodding at his chest.

“Will you take that off? It’s bad for your lungs and ribs,” he asks in a gentle voice.

The teen frowns to himself but still nods his head, reaching to his side to undo the clips fastening the bandage wrap around his chest. Once it ceases impairing his ability to breathe, Jack exhales and stretches his back, still grimacing at the feeling of his breasts against his shirt. His papa notices and pats his leg.

“I’ll order you a real binder online tonight, I promise,” he murmurs while Dean is fully indulging in his talk show obsession.

Jack beams and mouths a ‘thank you,’ which is answered with a ‘no problem, son.’ At that moment, Jack can’t remember why he was ever hesitant about telling his dads at all. They’ve always said that they’d be there for him through thick and thin, bad and good, no matter what—and they’ve come through time and time again.

��Hey, you wanna know a secret?” Dean asks his son in a whisper. Jack nods with a skepticism head tilt—damnit, Uncle Cas—and the father smiles. “When your Papa and I found out we were expecting you, I made a promise. I swore I’d always love you no matter what happened, and that I would do everything in my power to protect you and make sure you’d never be afraid to tell us anything.”

Sam sheds a tear at his lover’s words, taking his hand and looking at their son, who they’re meeting for the first time; god, he already looks so much happier and full of life than their daughter. “He did. I was there, he thought I was asleep. I made the same promise, Jack. We’re always in your corner,- nd we’ll never stop loving you.”

Jack sobs and embraces his dads. He’s never been happier than at this moment, getting his injuries nursed by his overprotective Papa and having his Dad nudge him to point at the TV and laugh at something dumb. Little does he know, his Dad is gonna come after those kids that beat him up with a BB gun and chase them off, all while screaming: “this is for my son, Jack!”

Everything is going to be alright, and he knows it. Family don’t end in blood, and he’s proud to be Jack Winchester.

[ahiddenpath]

Seven Years of Writing Fanfics

I’m being a little premature- I’ll celebrate seven years of writing as ahiddenpath in September- but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I’ve learned.  Please read on if you want to hear about the writing habits I wish I had when I started in 2012, and about the habits I wish I didn’t have back then!

I’ll also be talking about my writing plans in general.  Check it out below the cut!

1.)  Make a story bible.

A story bible is a reference document for your story.  Before you post a new fic, I strongly suggest creating one.  For digimon specifically, this means making some choices before you begin:

Which version of the character names will you use?  Do you intend to remain consistent with this choice?  For example, I’ve seen a lot of writers use Japanese character names and English digimon names.  Will you use official honorifics?  Custom honorifics?  Will you use terminology from one translation of the show, or a mashup?

Make these choices upfront, create reference charts, and remain consistent.  

After that, you can also keep references for topics such as characterization details (if you say that Bob’s favorite drink is coffee in one chapter and tea twenty chapters later, be prepared for a flood of comments pointing out the inconsistency), setting details, and anything that you don’t want to forget.  Spending half an hour hunting down a silly detail instead of writing is a huge bummer.

Growing Up with You is my worst offender of ‘problems a story bible would have fixed.’  It’s got... every issue you can imagine, lol!  For example, pairing Hikari with Gatomon (instead of Tailmon), using ‘digitama’ and ‘digimental’ interchangeably in the 02 arc, using the English terms for evolution stages while using Japanese names for other things, confusing Bakemon and Bakumon, it’s a mess.  It’s so bad that a complete, painstaking edit is the only thing that can fix it...  Which is enough to make me weep, given that the story is over 400K words long.

Organize yourself before you start.  Here’s a link to some printable Digimon Adventure and Digimon Adventure 02 references.

2.)  Avoid Longfics.

I know I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating.  NEVER PUBLISH A NEW STORY WITHOUT HAVING AN ENDING IN SIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING.

I’m not saying you can’t write huge, epic tales.  God knows I’m unlikely to stop doing that.  But, if I could go back in time, I would separate Growing Up with You into four fics.  It would be something like this:

Growing Up with You I: Childhood

Growing Up with You II:  Digimon Adventure

Growing Up with You III:  Liminal Space

Growing Up with You IV:  Digimon Adventure 02

I’m sure some arcs would be longer than others, but this way, I’d have four stories that are roughly 100K words long.  

A lot of folks just... don’t want to read a 400K story.  It’s intimidating, man!  Although it varies by genre, the average word count for a fiction novel aimed at adults is 80K words.  That 400K fic is like FIVE NOVELS, DUDE!!!!  That’s a commitment for readers!

Shorter stories are more reader friendly, but there’s also a huge benefit to you, the writer.  Separating your longfic into multiple stories allows you more opportunities to write towards an ending.  Breaking your story into digestible chunks decreases the writing paralysis that comes with being nowhere near the ending.  It also cuts back on meandering chapters that don’t carry the narrative closer to that ending.  Furthermore, thinking of the story in arcs before you start writing forces you to plan more...  Something I never did in 2012!!!!

Best of all, once you reach the end of an arc, you can take a break before launching the next one.  It’s hard on a writer to continue endlessly producing without a break.  It’s hard on a reader to hit the final available chapter in a fic and wonder if it will ever update again.  But if you complete an arc and take a break to plan and write a few buffer chapters, the tension and impatience is gone for your audience, and you get to breathe.  It’s a win-win!

3.)  Avoid long chapters.

Back in 2012, I often posted chapters that were 10K words and longer!  Here are some benefits to posting shorter updates more frequently:

-Shorter wait times between updates.

Let’s say your planned chapter is 15K words long.  I could update my story once in the span of a month, or I could break the chapter into three parts and update three times in a month!  This keeps readers happy and interested in your work.

Over time, you’ll develop the ability to create sub arcs/movements, finding spots to break them up into separate updates.  This also creates natural moments for cliffhangers, tension, and mini resolutions.  It’s a great way to insert more moods and movement into your narrative.    

-More exposure for your story.

Every time you update your fanfic, it gets pushed to the top of the update list on fanfiction.net or AO3.  The more you update it, the more hits your story will receive, thanks to all the extra time it will spend on the first page of newly-updated fics.

-Easier editing.

I do my best editing when I’m working with 5K words or fewer at a time.  Personally, I can only focus on close editing for about 90 minutes before I start missing mistakes and forgetting details.  I could edit a 10K word update in two sittings, but then it’s possible to forget about details and moods from the previous editing session!  So, unless your story bible is really hardcore, your editing process could benefit from shorter updates.

-More feedback/support

I have a few amazing readers who leave some form of feedback/appreciation for me whenever I post a new chapter.  A supported writer is a happy, productive writer!  More updates means more chances for feedback and support from your readers, which in turn can fuel and direct your writing!  Again, everyone wins!  (Thanks, guys, I love you!).

4.)  Publish your story on both fanfiction.net and AO3.

Why reach one audience when you could potentially reach two?  There are plenty of readers who only use one platform or the other.

At this point, it would be ridiculously difficult to post my 70+ chapter fanfics to AO3...  Do yourself a favor and post to both from the start!

5.)  Remember: writing and editing are two separate processes.

Guys guys guys guys guys.  Lemme be real here.

I used to painstakingly write a first draft, check for spelling/grammar errors on my word processor, and then post it.

Here’s what my process looks like now: word vomit a first draft, do an edit in my word processor, print the edited draft, make edits on paper, transfer edits to word processor, print new draft, make edits on paper, transfer edits to word processor, final read through, post

If my new method looks more time intensive...  In a way, it is, but in a way, it isn’t?  I bang out that first rough draft without a care in the world, where I used to agonize over every word.  Agonizing is not fun.  Word vomiting can produce some, ah, discouraging results, but it feels like creative play.  It’s fun, it’s flexible, it’s fast...  And you can fix it later through the magic of editing.  And if you’re having fun, you’ll keep writing.  If you’re agonizing, you’ll find yourself making excuses to avoid writing.

Plus, my current method produces tighter, more deliberate prose, while maintaining the freedom and energy of word vomiting...  And avoiding the angst and doubt.  This is my best defense against writing paralysis and my greatest weapon in the battle of producing words.

My method can’t be right for everyone, but I do encourage you to try it out, especially if your writing hasn’t been joyful lately.

6.)  Don’t run too many fics at one time.

I encourage writers to have one longer fic open and one shorter fic, preferably of different tones/settings/main characters.  This gives you a way to keep writing when you’re sick of one project without bogging you down.

You will likely have some readers who love everything you do (god bless), but many people have particular genre, character, and setting preferences.  If you have three fics open, then readers of any one story have to wait much longer for the next update while you alternate updating each fic.

And more importantly, having a ton of open stories just...  It feels heavy, guys.  It’s a weight, a pressure.  Trust me.  Forgive me, fanfic gods, for I have sinned.

7.)  Maintain a buffer

Okay, so my Nanowrimo project for 2018 was to write 50,000 words for After August, my current open fic.  By the end of the month, I had a roughly 80% complete first draft of the entire fic.  

Guys!  Guys!  It’s so cool to know exactly where the story is going, from start to finish.  My editing is so deliberate on this piece!  I can spot repetition and inconsistencies, since the draft is printed and sitting in front of me in a binder.  I can tweak emphasis and maintain more balance between character appearances.  It’s a whole new ballpark for me, someone who always wrote one update at a time and posted it upon completion (or worse, wrote ahead and lost the material when I changed my mind about the plot before reaching that future point).

Plus, even if my life gets extra busy or hard, I can still maintain my updating schedule.  I can print out a chapter, take it to work, and do hard edits during my lunch break (I realize that makes me antisocial, but have you ever endured coworkers telling you all of their problems while you try to eat a sandwich in peace?  The editing is much more fun.  I am antisocial, is what I’m saying.  Born into it, baby).

Regular updates are a big part of maintaining steady readership, so having a buffer both increases the quality of your work (since you know where the story is going for sure) and ensures that more people read it.  Awww yisssss.

Okay, well, my concentration is gone now, so that’s the end of my advice!  If I think of anything else, maybe I’ll add it?  

I do want to touch base with my writing plans, though.  Currently, of course, my goal is to complete After August.  If I can post one chapter per week, it will be compete in early March, but I’m going to aim for completing the story in May, to allow for any issues that might come up (for example, Kingdom Hearts III is coming out soon!).

After that, I want to complete Seeking Resonance...  Although I have no idea how long that will take?  I just know that the heavy atmosphere was really starting to weigh on me.

After that... Well, do you remember that survey I made a while back?  It looks like my next project should probably be completing Four Years.  

I might simultaneously work on one of these two stories and Tales of REM, or maybe I’ll alternate between SR and FY for a while?  To be honest, though, I would really like to wrap up SR as soon as I can.

Either way, completion is the name of the game this year.  Please look forward to it!  Let me know if you have any ideas for future fics, or if you have a favorite from my list of potential future projects!

[lovebunnie]

Do all the asks coward

1. what does your wallet look like?

-i got it as a present from my uncle for christmas and its really expensive but also so ugly im sorry uncle tom. its like that ‘southern fashion’ bullshit that white MAGA moms wear. but it was better than my old wallet, which looks like this and i got when i was 12:

2. favorite color?

- baby pinnk

3. do you own a pride flag, or more than one?

-heres the thing: my parents basically know im not straight but i havent told them. my brother has thought i was a lesbian since freshman year, i have a small pride pin on my backpack, ive never been on a date, its complicated. but no, i dont have one. maybe one day, hopefully.

4. describe your favorite outfit

-black pants, platform doc martens, hoodie under a jean jacket, one clip on earring, and holding my crushes hand :]

5. when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter, and what’d she do?

-okay so theres this girl in my theatre class who is really cute, and she put her head on my shoulder and shes pagan so she drew a little sigil on my arm that means “safe and homely” so like :)))))))))))))

6. do you use nail polish?

-i do, i mostly do black tho

7. do you keep organized?

-absolutely. i have things online filed accordingly, i pick out my outfits the day before, my binders are neat, i learned how to army fold my shirts, i keep my shit CLEAN

8. ever take naps?

-only accidentally. ill be laying in bed watching youtube and next thing you know my autoplay has me watching a markiplier video even tho i dont like him and its 4 hours later

9. who was your first crush?

-idk if this is a real person or not so ill do both. my first fake person crush was either troy from high school musical or frankie stein from monster high. and my first real crush was on a boy named dominic in elementary school. i told him i liked him at the end of 5th grade because i thought i was switching schools but then i didnt and we never spoke again.

10. what are your crush tendencies? fall hard or often?

-both both both. i am the worst with crushes. i have crushes all the time because im romantic and a fucking fool. i have 3 crushes off the top of my head rn and i like them all for different reasons. thats not to say that i want to date them, but its that i like them a lot and i kinda wanna kiss their cheek or hold their hand idk

11. describe your ideal day

-play overwatch with my best friend (u gonble >:) ) then hang out with my cat, go get a smoothie, buy some cool shoes or something, take a shower and be asleep by 9 :,)

12. describe your ideal date

-i have stated that build a bear is an amazing first date and im NOT BACKING DOWN. ITS CUTE AS FUCK AND ILL ACCEPT NOTHING LESS!!

13. whats your favorite food?

-either sushi or strawberries :3c

14. who do you feel most comfortable around?

-my theatre class, people from camp, and gobble

15. what is your favorite compliment to receive?

-i dont have a favorite, any and all are going to make my face go red so i have to cover it and maybe make me cry

16. did you/do you like highschool?

-the first 3 years fucking sucked but senior year has been amazing so far. mostly because i just kinda stopped giving a fuck but its amazing

17. favorite animal?

-i think its cats now. i really like cats

18. do you like your name?

-eh, its okay. its pretty but also it seems like there are 60 million fucking people named grace and its so annoying. i wish it was something more unique idk

19. what kind of weather is your favorite?

-a light rain. no swinging trees or thunder, just lots of rain. its nice to stay inside and feel secure

20. do you believe in horoscopes?

-absolutely not. but theyre fun if you like them

21. tell us about your music taste

-its horrific. to sum it up, my two favorite musicians are the gorillaz and frank sinatra. take from that what you will

22. have you had your first kiss? if so, what was it like?

-i havent had my first kiss yet. gonna be honest, i felt like i was going to, a few times at camp and recently when classes ended. but yeah, nothing yet

23. did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a kid?

-i went thro cycles of favorites. but one ive had for years is a plush shadow the hedgehog from universal studios i got when i was 6. i used to carry him around, even to a pool once

24. what time do you usually wake up and go to bed?

-if you know me, you know i go to bed ridiculously early. i usually get tried at around 6pm and fall asleep between 7:45 and 8:30. and i always wake up before 6 am. i havent slept past 6 am continuously since the end of junior year. please help me

25. what dream trip would you take with your wife?

-maybe to go explore new york, just the two of us that sounds like fun :]

26. do you have any pets?

-i have 2 dogs and a cat. the family owns the dogs but that cat is mine

27. what pair of underwear is your favorite?

-uhhhhhhhhhhh i have some with rainbows that are cool? i dont have favorites, none of them are cute anyway

28. what makes you smile?

-funny jokes make me smile real hard, and if you compliment me at the right time, i kind of pull my legs up and hide my face? its cute and charming i promise

29. what makes you feel heavy?

-in both the physical and metaphorical sense, eating bread

30. what makes you feel better?

-watching bo burnham always makes me feel better, hes my go to whenever im really depressed

31. how do you show your love?

-i show my love in everything i do. everything i do is for love, i love love so much its sickening

32. when is it time to get a haircut?

-whenever u want to lol?

33. where would you live if you could live anywhere?

-maybe san francisco, its beautiful and i love the city

34. do your friends and family take good care of you?

-as much as i allow them to. sometimes i go days without communicating and i know thats annoying but my friends put up with it (they shouldnt have to, i know) and my family is okay. its cliche to say, but they honestly dont understand what im going thro alot of the times, esp with my anxiety and shit

35. have you always used the labels you use now?

-back in the beginning of highschool, i used they/them pronouns and identified as asexual/aromantic. eventually, it didnt feel right, so i know identify as cis and bisexual and that feels right to me

36. what makes you laugh?

-my friends, when people shit talk gobble and i in overwatch even tho???? we didnt know him?????? and the mcelroys always get me

37. who is your favorite fictional character?

-too many options, see list here

38. who do yo admire?

-my father when hes not threatening to throw my phone into a fucking lake and my friends for putting up with me

39. describe yourself in three words

-i am baby

40. how long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 

-usually about 45 min, more or less as each day goes

41. what do you wish you could tell your younger self?

-listen: STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN, BE YOURSELF. STOP HIDING AND BEING SCARED OF YOURSELF, BE GENUINE!!!!

42. what would you do if you win the lottery?

-get my parents settled, see about other family members, and then distribute the money to charities accordingly, starting with flint and getting them water

43. would you call yourself a romantic?

-yes

44. what is your gayest childhood memory?

-my mom had cosmos magazines

45. do you have tattoos or want any?

-i dont have any tattoos but ive been obsessed with them since the 6th grade. id love to get tattoos, i just dont know what or where and also im afraid of pain

46. whats your worst habit?

-either biting my thumbs, starving myself, or ghosting my friends. prob ghosting my friends

47. what are you proud of?

-i guess coming out of my shell finally? idk, i actually have friends now and it feels amazing tbh. im in 5 group chats now. i havent been in a group chat since 6th grade. :))))))

48. did you know that youre actually a gift to the world, for real?

-hi i love you?

49. whats your favorite memory?

-there are so so many. but what comes to mind first is our dance night at camp where we all stood outside and i finally gave ian my tumblr and we all ran inside to dance to mr. brightside then ran outside again and we requested nightcore and rivers was fucking dancing their hearts out and we all sang along and im going to crying just typing this out

50. do you have a sweet tooth?

-i guess so. too much makes me feel like shit but i do really enjoy smarties

51. what do you like most about yourself?

-this is dumb, but my sense of style. since i got a job ive been wearing shit i actually like and its amazing. ill admit i have cool clothes

52. what makes you fall for a girl?

-besides acknowledging me, probably getting to know me and not like, putting me on a pedestal. idk its weird, ive met a lot of people this year who like to place me so high it feels like i cant make a mistake around them without disappointing them. idk, i want someone to call me out on my bullshit instead of assuring me im okay. i want to know what i do wrong so i can fix it

53. make a recommendation

-for what? uhh okay for music, listen to ‘clay pigeons’ by michael cera (yes i know michael cera) and for television, watch bojack horseman and for movies, watch the docuseries called ‘7 days out’ on netflix

54. have you ever had your heart broken?

-yeah, when i broke up with maddy because we werent ready to date. i cared and continue to care about her and i didnt want to hurt her but i knew its what we both needed. its what i needed, atleast. and i cant be a good girlfriend if i feel like im doing badly. but also ive had friends break my heart and family break my heart. but im okay now, this heart is ready to be broken again

55. when do you feel most yourself?

-def when i was at camp, that place is magical in the way it allows you to be yourself. but also when i talk to gobble because hes my best friend and when im at college, we can talk more and its gonna be dope as shit

56. name a gorgeous celeb

-jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal 

57. what are some of your favorite songs this week?

-fake happy by paramore, im not okay (i promise) by my chemical romance, tomorrow comes today by gorillaz

58. tell us 2 or your biggest hopes and fears

-biggest hopes: i publish a book someday & i get a job doing something i love

-biggest fears: i end up homeless and broke & something horrific happens in college

59. what flavor chapstick/lipbalm is the best?

-raspberry i guess

60. are you okay?

-i answered a lot more honestly then i shouldve for some of these and i start new classes tomorrow so im feeling really anxious so im doing alright i guess.

gobble you test me but i do love you

[samtheflamingomain]

flat as a board

Figured I’d do a follow-up post about my top surgery. The goal of this post is to inform potential surgery-goers of how it worked for me. Of course, not all surgeries are the same, but I thought I’d share my experience.

I checked into the hospital 2h before surgery. I changed into hospital clothes and reviewed my meds with a nurse. I waited in the waiting room for another half hour, and at 11 I was taken back by a nurse. I hugged Casey and went through the big steel doors.

I sat in a room with a curtain, and when the surgeon showed up, I disrobed and he did some artwork on my chest in purple marker. The 3 nurse practitioners who’d be in the OR with him also came to get a look.

After another twenty minutes, I walked down a long hallway to OR #5. I was shaking in fear, seeing the most unbelievably “medical” room imaginable, bright lights and a table with arm restraints - which they had to use to get my IV in because I was trembling. 

One nurse was tasked with calming me down. She told me to think of a happy place or a happy time. I literally said, “What, am I casting a Patronus?” She laughed. “Just try to distract yourself.”

Oh. Well, in the past (orthodontic and molar surgeries), I distracted myself by singing “The Elements” by Tom Lehrer in my head. As the oxygen mask was placed over my mouth and nose and the IV started putting me to sleep, I barely got to “selenium”, the 4th word in the song.

I woke up in a hospital bed with a blanket and a fentanyl drip. I was pretty out of it for a half hour or so as I waited for the surgeon to come talk to me. I sucked down around 6 cups of water, having not had any in 7 hours.

The surgeon came, told me it went smooth as butter, and I was fortunate to have a build that made the surgery easy and the scars minimal. “You’re flat as a board,” he said. I grinned, the fentanyl making me feel very bubbly. 

Nurses put me in a wheelchair and Casey wheeled me away - but then I panicked and begged to see the surgeon again - I didn’t have any drains.

(Drains are connected to your wounds to collect fluid/blood from the site; usually used for 3-4 days.)

The surgeon reassured me that I was fine, and that the surgery had gone so well that they’d easily removed all excess fluid, so I didn’t need drains. Elated, I went back to Connor’s house.

But I realized on the way out that I couldn’t take a deep breath, so I called the surgeon when I got home, and he let Casey and Connor loosen my post-op binder that keeps my dressings in place by 1cm. After some fucking around, they got it loosened and I took the most satisfying breath of my life.

Since then the only problem has been pain. And itchiness brought on by the oxy I was prescribed. It’s a good thing I don’t really like the high it gives me, cuz it works pretty damn well on the pain.

Generally, I got lucky. I’m thin, my breasts were small (large enough to require double-incision with nipple grafts, but small enough to keep the wounds minimal), and I didn’t need drains. 

I’m still pretty scared of seeing my chest. Another thing that slightly worries me is that, as far down as I can see under my binder, I have hair. I was under the impression that they would shave my chest. But if that’s my biggest worry, again, I’m a lucky dude.

We’ll see how lucky I feel when I run out of oxy, but even with the pain, I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.

I had a tiny worry in the back of my mind for the weeks leading up to the surgery, a fear that I’d regret the surgery. But I realized that it was the same kind of anxiety I had after getting my first tattoo. Yeah, it’s permanent, but that definitely doesn’t mean it’s bad.

Stay Greater, Flamingos

[tumblunni]

Social anxiety C C C COMBO BREAKERRRRR

I had a real good day yo!!

I was in a really stupid emotional state at 4am this morning cos of a dumb nightmare about my abusive mum that i havent seen in 15 years. But at least because of it it prompted me to try and find the address of my childhood home again, and i successfully did and i had a huge nostalgia wave just looking at google street view. I dont know if i'll ever be brave enoughto actually visit there and walk down the same road again with my new and taller legs, but just knowing that its not impossible makes me feel a lot better.

But then srsly i was in real big panic attack shakes and i couldbt get back to sleep and i had a pounding headache and my eyes hurt and then when i finally passed out i kept waking up like half an hour later and having to go thru all the hell of getting asleep again. And then when i woke up at 5pm having wasted the whole day i realized my electricity was out and i needed to walk the 1.5km to the shop where i can pay the bills and AAAAGH giant headache and on the verge of tears and its the middle of a heatwave and my hair dye is all faded bad and so many damn excuses. And 'oh well itll take like 20 minutes to get ready and then what if i walk too slow and the shop is closed'. All the stupid reasons i use to excuse my social anxiety!

BUT IM REALLY PROUD THAT I STILL DID IT

I'm not just giving myself the 1.5 on my kilometres count, im definately getting two points for 'survived anxious social situation with style and grace'!

Cos seriousky cos of the heatwave i wouldnt be able to wear heavy baggy coat yo cover myself up, so i went out in a short sleeved shirt with my binder and i was really inpressed with how good i looked in the mirror. Yknow even tho my face was like sleep deprived mega anxious death hell! XD but yeahi managed to accomplish the Basic Things Of Daily Life despite being in my worst anxious state for ages, and i did it in sweltering weather and while unconfident in my ability to pass. I actually ended up having a swing in my step on the way back and enjoyed a completely un anxious walk for once! I just saw myself in the mirror in the supermarket bathroom and was like 'holy shit i look perfectly fine, what was i worried about?' And then i didnt completely fall apart due to the now new worry that if i was actually successfully passing then maybe i'd get kicked out for using the bathroom of my birth sex. It was a slow shopping day so nobody else came in there, it was fine. And i mean i'd still feel equally as anxious using the other bathroom, there arent any unisex toilets for nonbinary folk :(

But yeah i handled it really well!! Its such a small anxiety to other people tho and i still feel ashamed that i cant completely shed my peoplephobia all at once. But this was a really big step up that metaphorical staircase!

Oh and while i was there i actually felt confident enough to Actually Do Some Damn Shopping! I didnt just limit it to a basic run and gun, get in there, get the one thing and leave thing. I very often do that!! Sometimes it takes me two trips to the shops to get everything cos i got so anxious i just ran home after the first thing XD But today i actually wandered around the whole supermarket and checked if there was anything on sale or anything i forgot to put on my shopping list. Again, very basic thing that normal people do every day, but for me i usually get irrationally panicked so this was a disproportionately big accomplishment!

I BOUGHT A SHOES

I havent bought a new pair of shoes since like.. 4 years? 5 maybe? I cant recall if it was before i moved here or just after. I have a stupid habit of only owning one thing and only replacing it when its broken, because like.. Leftover instincts from being poorer. And its stupid cos im perfectly able to splurge on electronics or pokemon merchandise or whatever when i have spare money, yet when it comes to actual life necessities im like 'nah what a waste'. I guess its cos avoiding paying for them was a common experience during those homeless times, whereas splurging on self birthday gifts was not a thing i could ever do at all. Possibly this is the same reason i get easily suckered in by scratchcards and lootboxes, its easy to not notice how much i'm wasting when its not something i have a long experience with. Plus they kinda cheat by making each singular pull be cheap and then encouraging you to keep gambling fifty more times. But its only 2 bucks each time~fuckin hell im dumb to fall for that shit.

ANYWAY thats why ive been using the same shitty pair of trainers for like five years. Theyre really durable but theyre not exactly comfy or very good looking. Theyre like this neon green and yellow and black tron lines abomination that i DO KINDA LOVE but ive gotta admit that it doesnt fit with many outfits. I literally dont own a single other yellow anything.

So yeah i bought three pairs of shoes on sale for 15 pound in total HOLY SHIT thats a good dealio! I got some plimsolls/daps/im not actually sure what they call them in other countries sorry. Its like the fabric shoe but it has a good grip runner's sole to it? Always used to wear them in gym class at school, i liked them beter than trainers cos the sole wasnt as thick and inflexible. I mean im already clumsy without like 3cm more height on me! And then i got some sort of loafer thing thats similar but more The Comfort. And then i also got some super soft indoor slippers! So now i actyalky have shoes for differebt occasions!! Jogging walking and laying around being a couch potato! Not just wearing these big chunky trainers for all of that! I mean lol it used to be even worse, once my Only Shoes were actualky these huge mountain climbing boots XD i got them free from the homeless shelter and kept them for years after i left, even tho they were too tight and always cut up the back of my ankles. Ah, memories of past trauma! Why am i stirring up so many of these today!!

So anyway yeah thats my Very Boring Normal Day that for once i managed to handle like a normal human being. I'm proud!

Oh and i also got a glitter cowboy hat and i dont know why they were selling a glitter cowboy hat but it was the only sort of sun hat they had so i went with it. It kinda helps with dysphoria somehow?? Like i know people will criticize that part of my fashion first before they notice how ugly the rest of me is XD and its hard to be sad when you're thinking 'beep boop gender cowboy'

[oldjellobunbunchild]

FAQ

NOTE: This was supposed to be a YouTube Description but it didn’t fit XD

Hello everyone!

First of all, thank you so much for the sudden burst in views and comments!!

Ahh you’re all so amazing TT I love ARMY TT

I did spend some time reading all the comments but I’ve come across same questions so I thought it’d be better if I answer them all in one.

Most of the comments are so positive and THANK YOU SO MUCH. :D

So here are some of the most frequently asked questions:

1. For the BTS-themed Mini Scrapbook

Did I make this BTS-themed Mini Scrapbook?

Yes. Most of them! Some of the little photo cards and other stuff are freebies from ordering or other people giving them to me by mail or in person (such as at the concert! :D)

Some of them I recycled from packagings when I buy merch or like magazine cut-outs XD

Why? Why would you waste your time on someone else’s life?

Because I wanted to. :D

How long did it take for me to make this?

I didn’t do it all in one sitting, that’s for sure XD

I was on and off about it, so it took quite a while. I only made the little things when I had inspiration to do so or whenever I find a good tutorial!

If you’re asking when I started and when I finished, it was about 3 months.

Each member page took about 3 hours to make but again, the ideas did NOT come in one time XD

Will I ever make a DIY for this scrapbook?

Most likely not XD Just because of how long it took. I’m actually in grad school right now, so I barely have time making this video XD

But if you look at the description on the BTS-themed Mini Scrapbook video, there is a link on an ARMY Amino blog where I listed most of the tutorials I used. They’re mostly from Srushti Patil’s tutorials or other people’s tutorials and they’re really great and easy to follow!

How did I make the mini-scrapbook?

I mostly used all of those little tutorials I linked on the ARA blog. And then just glued them all to the pages of the book XD

What binder did I use?

I used a Mini binder (A5 size) that I found from Office Depot… or was it Staples…? They sell them at different places XD It’s a 3-in. mini binder.

Where did you get the photocards and other stuff on the scrapbook?

Some of them I made, some of them I printed out myself on photo paper I got from Best Buy, and some of them, I got from when I went to the Anaheim Wings Tour Concert!! If you were there and you gave me these photo cards or drawings or other things, I LOVE YOU. :D Well, I love you all anyways XD

Will I ever sell these?

Most likely not TT I wouldn’t have the time to make them ☹ But I encourage you guys to make them! And make them more personalized! These are mostly like my favorite pictures of BTS and some memories I had about them (like the concert!)

You don’t have to finish in one sitting either. It’s a scrapbook! So maybe make one page today and add on the next day, and before you know it, you’re binder is too full to add more stuff (like what happened with me TT)

Like, if today, you’re feeling SOPE, make one page for SOPE! XD

How did you make the cassette tapes?

Those are just honestly print-outs. They’re not 3D or anything XD (they’re not real cassette tapes lol)

I have the printouts at this link: https://www.mediafire.com/folder/7omwfze7lwgq1/Cassette_Tapes

You guys can print them out if you want!

How do you make the little Suga book or Suga polaroids?

Some of the stuff in the scrapbook, I don’t have a link to a tutorial and this is because… it’s just common sense XD

The book, I just literally glued paper together to make a little notebook and then glued printed pictures of Suga in it XD

For the little Suga 3D box, I also linked a tutorial on the ARA blog! Or you can search 3D box on Srushti Patil’s channel!

2. Material Related Questions

What types of paper do I use to print things out?

I usually use cardstock paper or 8x11in. Epson photo paper! For thicker ones like photo cards, I use 4x6in. Epson photo papers.

Can you show the materials you used?

I’M SO SORRY I HAVEN’T BEEN SHOWING THE MATERIALS.

It’s coz Ive been making the videos specifically for ARMY Amino… so for the materials, I just type them out on the blog itself TT

I’ll start doing that though!

What kinds of glue can I use?

You can honestly use any type of glue you want XD

Paste or tacky glue or, what I use, Elmer’s Glue XD The safe one for kids XD

Can I do a bigger or smaller size for the neverending card? And can I do more than 4 photos?

I’m not entirely sure if you can do more than 4 photos but there is another one called infinity cube where you can definitely do more photos (just that one is 3D XD )

And yes of course! You can always change the measurement on anything you want. For this one, I think a square is easier because then you’d know where to put the glue and stuff.

But of course! You can do 8x8in, 16x16in, 72x72in, if you have that kind of paper XD

Those who are not able to follow my own tutorial, you can go to Srushti Patil’s channel and search her tutorial for neverending cards! She’s amazing, I honestly learned most of these from her XD

Can’t open the download link for templates?

Aww ☹ I’m honestly not sure because it opens perfectly on mine?

I know for ARA, people have been trying to open it on the ARA browser so I always tell them to open it on Google Chrome or Safari and if that doesn’t work, try opening them on a desktop computer?

Most of them are PDF on Mediafire so yeah, just try opening them on a desktop computer first :D

3. Others!

Chibi Jimin Papercraft – do you have other members’ templates?

Yes I do!

http://aminoapps.com/page/btsarmy/3632301/chibi-bts-ynwa-papercrafts-complete

Other print-outs?

Some people were asking for like the class schedule or the planners from the BTS-themed Binder, and yes I do have them! I don’t have videos for them because I just made them into a blog on ARMY Amino, but I have those print outs here!

http://aminoapps.com/page/btsarmy/5827890/diy-bts-themed-planner

And calendars!

http://aminoapps.com/page/btsarmy/1804893/october-december-2017-calendars-for-bts-themed-planners

And here are other DIYs. Some of them I never made videos for XD

http://aminoapps.com/page/btsarmy/8605306/diy-papercrafts

Where do I order my merch?

Usually for the official albums or other official goods, I order them at kpoptown.com. I started ordering from there last year and I had pretty good experience! The shipping is a little bit more expensive but I’m pretty satisfied with it :D

What did you use for background music?

I credit them at the end! When the credits scroll XD

They’re mostly BTS songs anyways, so you all probably know them already XD

Who is my bias?

I honestly don’t have one XD

I started with J-hope, then Jimin snatched me, then Jungkook stole my heart, and now Suga is bias-wrecking me so honestly, I don’t even know.

Do I have Instagram?

I do not! I might make one? But I do have twitter for the memes XD (@jellobunbunchild)

Do I have ARMY Amino?

Of course I do XD It’s Jellybunny (with a bunny and star emoji) :D

That’s how this channel started lmao

http://aminoapps.com/page/btsarmy/4888020/jellybunny

And that’s pretty much it!

I hope I answered some questions at least XD

Again, thank you guys so much for all the nice comments. Some of you really left some really kind and sweet messages and be assured that I read them all! :D

Thank you again so much!!!! :D

(And omg, thank you for 8k subscribers TT)

[disparx]

6 hours post op

I’m fucking post op y'all!!!!!

I’m gonna try to recount my whole surgery experience as best I can.

I got up at 6:30 and had a shower (last one until August 30 rip). I got dressed in sweatpants, a big button down shirt and a binder. Then I went outside and waited for my taxi, which came at 8:30. I talked to the taxi driver in French for a bit until he realized I was from Ontario, then he switched to English. He was like: *french* “so you have a surgery today? You’re a girl and you’re turning yourself into a boy, is that right?” It was funny. We talked about trans stuff for a bit, which was weird but cool, things like what barriers trans people face to getting surgery and how bottom surgeries are different than top surgery.

I arrived at the clinic at around 8:45 and filled out some forms - basic medical and consent forms, and then one data collection form which, among other things, asked the gender identity and sexual orientation of my whole extended family.

I got a bed with a curtain in a room off to the side of the lobby. I changed into hospital gowns and a nurse took my blood pressure and stuff. She gave me a tiny amount of water for 3 pills (two Tylenol, one anti-inflammatory). I also had to pee in a cup. Then I had to wait until 10:30 to be summoned by my surgeon. I was very cold while I was waiting, and I asked for a blanket and curled into a ball on my bed.

At 10:30 I was led into another waiting room. After a bit I was greeted by Dr. Bensimon. He was very nice. He told me I would be getting double incision, and that he doesn’t use drains (BLESS). Then he drew on my chest with marker, showing where the incisions would be and where my nipples would go.

(Edit: forgot to mention, he literally used a LEVEL when he was drawing on me to try to ensure that my chest would end up symmetrical.)

After Dr. Bensimon I met my anesthesiologist. I gave oral consent to the anaesthesia and she determined that I should get my IV in my elbow. I started crying a bit here because I’m scared of needles AND drugs.

After the anesthesiologist, a nurse took me to the operating room. I cried a bit. They had me take off my outer gown and lie on the table. They asked me a few basic questions in English and tried to talk about me amongst themselves in French but jokes on them I know French too. They thought that was funny. They took my blood pressure again while the anesthesiologist started preparing my elbow for the IV. I started crying really hard at this point and they were concerned. They made sure I wanted the procedure and consented to it and was ready for it. Then they put the IV in and I cried more cuz I have a pathetic pain tolerance. They made sure I was ready again, told me to think about nice things so I wouldn’t cry again when I came round, and put me under.

The first time I was conscious after that was in the recovery room at 12:30. They told me they woke me up in the operating room before they moved me, and I did vaguely remember a “dream” involving nurses and surgery stuff, but just like a dream, I couldn’t remember what had actually happened. I woke up very gradually. The first thing I was fully conscious of was the pain in my incisions. It wasn’t unbearable, maybe a 4 or 5. My vision would swim when I tried to focus on things, and I felt a bit dizzy. I stayed in the recovery room for half an hour, and a machine took my blood pressure every 5 minutes. Belle got wheeled in beside me and I said hi. Our short, very slurred conversation consisted of her saying she couldn’t feel her vagina, me saying my incisions hurt, and us telling each other we were proud of each other, and then she fell asleep.

Then I got wheeled back to the room on the side of the lobby I was in earlier and they helped me kinda scooch onto the other bed. I laid there for a while and eventually they gave me some water, and then orange juice a bit later. They gave me oxycodone, anti-inflammatory pills, and laxatives as take-home medication. When some of the dizziness had gone away, they made me go pee, then they took my IV out and we (my mom and I) got on another taxi back.

I’ve been resting since then. I tried to sleep but the anaesthesia is making me itch in random places every two seconds, which makes it difficult. I ate dinner and then started writing this post.

My pain is currently around a 3 or 4, after having taken an oxycodone and an anti-inflammatory with dinner. It kinda feels like a big bruise, with occasional sharper pain. I can’t stand up straight and pretty much any amount of movement is somewhat painful. Adjusting my position is the most painful. But since I don’t have drains I’m p sure I can lie on my side, which is awesome.

Afaik my dressings consist of nipple graft dressings, a big white bandage taped on (itchy :/), and an ace bandage wrapped real tight. You’d think that would be painful but any pain from that is minimal compared to the pain from my incisions, and I can feel how the ace bandages are helping my incisions stay closed. All in all, my dressings come out almost as much as my boobs did lol. I’ll post a pic of them when I am able. They’re not going anywhere for a while.

I’m post op guys!! I did it!

[chloes-pirate-booty]

whats been your experience with top surgery? did you like your doc and all

Yeah! Top surgery went well for me! I mean, I would have liked a friendlier doctor - the guy I went to was pretty dull and quiet and was all business so at times I felt kind of uncomfortable with him. But he knew what he was doing. He seemed shady when I asked him to show me pictures of past patients’ results, but I realized that the reason he was hesitant was because almost all of the photo comparisons he had were of patients who had far more complicated chests than mine so it wouldn’t have been an accurate reference for me anyway. A couple of them had previous damage from improper binding so their results didn’t look too good but it was not the doctor’s fault, it was their fault for binding with tape.

So here’s the story of the actual surgery: My surgery was done at around 7:30 AM on October 3rd 2016. I was honestly pretty relaxed going in there. It wasn’t too busy or noisy at the little surgical center I went to (which was connected to a larger hospital) so I didn’t have to lay there on the cot waiting and waiting and waiting to go in. I went in the little curtained room thing, answered some questions, they had me change, the doc marked up my chest, they hooked me up with an IV, sat for a couple minutes, and then they pumped that happy drug in and rolled me through the doors. I remember getting into the surgical room. I was too high off that relaxant at that point to even be bothered by the fact that they’d already started strapping my arms down like Jesus on the cross. I remember looking around and seeing like 20 people which was not what I expected at all.  Then I was out like a light. The surgery took about 2 hours, and I woke up high as a kite in the same curtained room. There were two nurses. I remember being so fucking happy looking down at my chest and seeing it bandaged up. I lifted up the lip of the bandages and honestly couldn’t see anything underneath because it was so tight but I knew my chest was flat as a board. Nothing hurt (yet). I didn’t even notice the drains. I was just chilling there all loopy and I kept waving at people when they passed by the open curtains. Pretty sure I asked the same nurse how the surgery went like 10 times. Then my doctor came in and said everything went well and that he did need to put drains in (he told me to plan for them but it was never a promise that I’d need them.)At that point, I was awake enough that they moved me over to a big chair, switched me from the johnny to my flannel shirt + sweatpants, and gave me some water. I wasn’t nauseous, thank god. And I wasn’t loopy anymore either. I could feel the drains now that the hospital-strength pain meds were wearing off.Then I was literally ECSTATIC when I saw my Mom, Dad and (surprise) Grandma coming towards me. (Yes, Grandma was a surprise. I did not know she would be visiting. I guess my Mom and Dad went to hang out with her at her house nearby until I was done, and so she figured she’d come visit.) I was so excited and showing them how flat my chest was even with the bandages on and showing them how weird the drains looked. I’m really chill with my family. They were nervous about me getting the surgery, obviously, but there was definitely a good vibe in the room now that I had made it past the ‘big’ part. My Grandma impulsively bought my family the biggest party tray of cookies I’ve ever seen. After my Grandma left, the nurse showed my parents and I how to empty the drains and measure the drainage. They gave the little drainage chart and a little study guide about how the drains worked. Every 12 hours I would have to empty the fluids from the drains into a little measuring cup [PHOTO - blood warning] Then my parents helped me get my sneakers on and the nurse wheeled me out to the car. I was given my cell phone back at this point, of course, so I spent the whole ride home messaging my friends that I survived, lol. One unusual thing that happened though is that my seatbelt was too tight on the external portion of my right drain. About 5 minutes away from home, my right side started feeling very warm. And then I didn’t note anything of it until we were parked in the driveway and I unbuckled my seatbelt to find a gigantic patch of blood on the bandages. I went into panic mode thinking I broke the drain (I didn’t think something was wrong with my chest because there was no obvious pain). But after figuring out that nothing was actually wrong and that the blood was just unable to travel downwards through the drain (therefore traveling back into the drain port and leaking out from there), I was fine and just mildly pissed off that my ace bandages had a blood stain. [PHOTO] Thankfully, my Mom had foot surgery 3 months before and she had extra ace wraps that I just used instead. Be careful with seatbelts, guys.  

So once I was in the house, I basically stayed there for the next 5 days. I was upstairs 24/7 pretty much. The only time I went outside during that time was when my rat Ozzy died 3 days after my surgery and I went with my Dad to bury him in the yard. That fucking sucked. But aside from the dead pet, those 5 recovery days were aesthetic as fuck. Since it was October, I made sure to decorate the shit out of my room while I could still lift my arms. I had Halloween lights up every where [PHOTO], and I had a bunch of Halloween candy to pig out on [PHOTO]. I ate like a fat ass when I was hungry, but I wasn’t very hungry due to to percocet (oxy) that I was prescribed for pain. I actually ended up losing 5 pounds in 5 days due to not eating big meals (plus my high metabolism) even though I certainly ate a lot of cookies, candies, and Frostys (my aunt kept calling me and insisting she come visit and bring me Wendy’s, lol. She’s an occupational therapist and so she was very intrigued by how I was recovering and visited almost every night to talk with me). I’d also bought a new TV a few days before the surgery too. So I had my TV and PS4 set up right in front of my bed so I wasn’t ever lacking entertainment. I watched Breaking Bad during the day and then Bob Ross before going to sleep. The pain meds made me so sleepy so I usually would just pass out watching Bob Ross, haha. I made a habit of it too. 10/10 would recommend passing out while watching Bob Ross. Usually the end credit music would wake me up and remind me to turn the TV off, haha. Also, @xrdpan gave me this very cute little guy as a gift - [PHOTO]And yeah, this is getting a little off topic. But I definitely had a memorable week of recovery. Sometimes I wish I could do it again for another day or two. Cause despite how uncomfortable the drains were and how much weight my scrawny ass lost, I was so relaxed and got to watch a LOT of TV.

So back to post-op care - I was not given a binder after surgery. I had to use the ace bandages while I still had the drains in, and then I was given a prescription for a compression tank top (that i literally had to go to this lingerie store to get) once the drains were out. That was kind of annoying. I had hoped for a decent surgical vest like what most people get, but yeah. 

My drains were in for 10 days. They were uncomfortable, but I didn’t have any bleeding complications or any complications at all so they definitely did their job. It didn’t hurt when they came out either. It felt awesome once they were out and I could really get a good look at my chest. The drains caused snake-like lumps all throughout my chest and it looked weird. Drains in - [PHOTO]Drains out - [PHOTO]

And as for sensation, my chest was very numb for about 1 month including the nipples, and then was half-numb for another couple months. But after the 3 month point (which was around the time I didnt have to wear anymore compression), the sensation was coming back on it’s own very well. I’m 7 months post-op now and have all sensation back except for my right nipple which isn’t 100% numb but doesn’t really react to touch. I have a couple small fleshy spots, mainly on the left side, where they almost have too much feeling and are tender if pressed down on. It feels like a muscle thing. 

Uhhh so that’s an essay if I ever saw one! Hope you got something useful from it! I’m always down to talk about my experience and make everything more clear and possibly less scary for everyone who’s interested in top surgery. I had a good experience overall! No complications! 

Here’s some recent pics if you’re interested!

2 months - [PHOTO]4 months - [PHOTO]6 months - [PHOTO]

[transssexualheart]

All

oh boy

1. namerain

2. age14

3. three fearsnever being loved back, hurting the people i care about, and the people i love secretly hating me

4. three things i lovepokemonnice weatherthe piano

5. 4 turn onsgetting hit by a car is apparently one of themi actually dont know honestly if i’m attracted to you, because i so rarely find people attractive, everything u do will Get Me Goin and that’s all i can think

6. 4 turn offsdamn bitch idk

7. my best friendyall know who i would choose if i had to choose one do i really gotta say it again

8. sexual orientationim pan, i also think i’m demisexual but god who knows

9. my best first datei don’t even know what qualified as a date bc ive only gone on dates with one person and i don’t know what we actually considered a date or just hangin out??

10. how tall am iuhhh i cant remember exactly i think i’m 5′5

11. what do i miss?honestly?? i kinda miss the way things used to be before i confessed to liking the person i currently like. i mean nothing has actually changed between us but i still feel bad about liking her and hate that i can’t comfort her without it seeming like “oh, you just think i’m great and talented because you have a crush on me” i feel like me comforting her ends up less sincere now and i hate that and it’s also,, like god i didn’t want to feel this way i really intended on taking a break from romance but my dumbass heart was like “no” and ughh fuck

12. what time was i bornidk

13. fav colorblue

14. do i have a crushfeel like i just made that pretty clear

15. fav quote “And you know it’s not good–that there is no good–that there’s absolutely nothing that can ever come of it.But you do it anyway. And then…Well. Then you burn.”(from Carry On by Rainbow Rowell)

16. fav placethis is gross but anywhere with her

17. fav foodidk

18. do i use sarcasmof course 

19. what am i listening to rni’m being Exposed,, i’m listening to sarah smiles by p!atd

20. first thing i notice in a new personusually their clothes, like the way they dress

21. shoe size8 and a half or 9 in womens

22. eye colorbrown

23. hair colordark brown

24. fav style of clothinguhh idk

25. ever done a prank call?no

27. meaning behind my urlit’s just a pokemon lol

28. fav moviewho knows

29. fav songi really like robbers by the 1975 and rn i’m obsessed with do i wanna know by arctic monkeys 

30. fav bandgosh idk

31. how i feel right nowgay

32. someone i loveall my friends!! all of u!!

33. my current relationship statussad

34. my relationship with my parents:/

35. fav holidayeither halloween or xmas

36. tattoos and piercings i haveone piercing in each ear lobe and one tat on my ankle

37. tattoos and piercings i wanti kinda want a lip piercing but idk and i wanna be like,, covered in tats 

38. the reason i joined tumblrmemes

39. do i and my last ex hate each other?no, i dont hate any of my exes

40. do i ever get good morning or good night texts?sometimes goodnight texts

41. have i ever kissed the last person you texted?god i wish,, no tho

42. when did i last hold hands?gosh it’s been so long i don’t remember

43. how long does it take me to get ready in the morning?like an hour maybe more

44. have you shaved your legs in the last three days?idk i forgot

45. where am i right now?my bedroom

47. do i like my music loud or at a reasonable level?loud

48. do i live with my mom and dad?ya

49. am i excited for anything?excited to die

50. do i have someone of the opposite sex i can tell everything to?nah

51. how often do i wear a fake smile?i usually don’t, i just let myself look sad and my friends usually don’t say anything or they’re making me laugh and i’m distracted

52. when was the last time i hugged someone?i huged @strawberrymilk-kid when getting off the bus today

53. what if the last person i kissed was kissing someone right in front of me?i’d be like “dude!! did you get a girlfriend holy shit i’m happy for u!!”

54. is there someone i trust even though i shouldn’t?nah

55. what is something i disliked about today?um all the parts where i started being a jealous bitch 

56. if i could meet anyone on this earth who would it be?dan avidan

57. what do i think about the most?wtf do you think bitch

58. what’s my strangest talent?haha talent whats that

59. do i have any strange phobias?no not really

60. do i prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?depends

61. what was the last lie i told?this is emo but probably that i was alright hah

62. do i prefer talking on the phone or video chatting?gosh idk,, calling is less stressful bc i don’t have to worry about my disgusting face i guess

63. do i believe in ghosts? how about aliens?there are probably aliens, but idk about ghosts i mean like who knows

64. do i believe in magic?could be real, might not be, who knows

65. do i believe in luck?yeah i guess

66. what’s the weather like right now?it’s alright

67. what was the last book i read?hitchhikers guide to the galaxy

68. do i like the smell of gasoline?no

69. do i have any nicknames?my mom calls me rainbow but not really other than that but i love nicknames so someone call me by a nickname

70. what was the worse injury i’ve ever had?i sprained my arm once

71. do i spend money or save it?spend

72. can i touch my nose with my tongue?no

73. is there anything pink ten feet from me?im wearing pink so

74. fav animal?idk

75. what was i doing last night at 12am?sleeping after a long day of mental breakdown 

76. what do i think satan’s last name is?burke

77. what’s a song that always makes me happy when i hear it?uhh idk

78. how can you win my heart?be funny, love music (especially if you play it/can sing), and if you have curly hair or freckles i’m probably already in love with you so

79. what would i want written on my tombstone?“i’m gay”

80. what is my fav word?i have a few, my top three are “gentle”, “lover”, and “soft”

81. my top five blogs on tumblrman i dont know

82. if the whole world were listening to me right now, what would i say?that’s too much responsibility 

83. do i have any relatives in jail?my dad went to jail a few times, two of my uncles have been in there too, but none of them are still in there

85. what would be a question i’d be afraid to tell the truth on?i sat here trying to think of one for live five mins and i cant86. what is my current desktop pic?danny sexbang 

87. had sex?no

88. bought condoms?no

89. gotten pregnant?no

90. failed a class?not for a quarter grade or anything but there have been times where i was failing

91. kissed a boy?yeah i think so

92. kissed a girl?no sadly

93. have i ever kissed somebody in the rain?no

94. had a job?no

95. left the house without my wallet?probably

96. bullied someone on the internet?no

97. had sex in public?no

98. played on a sports team?i was on the soccer team in seventh grade

99. smoked weed?nah

100. did drugs?no

101. smoke cigarettes?no

102. drank alcohol?no 

103. am i a vegetarian/vegan?no

104. been overweight?nah

105. been underweight?idk

106. been to a wedding?ive been to two

107. been on the computer for 5 hours straight?probably

108. watched tv for five hours straight?probably

109. been outside my home country?no

110. gotten my heart broken?yep

111. been to a professional sports game?no

112. broken a bone?no

113. cut myself?no, but i’ve wanted to

114. been to prom?no

115. been in an airplane?yeah

116. fly by helicopter?no

117. what concerts have i been to?i went to one twenty one pilots concert that’s it

118. had a crush on someone of the same sex?oh yeah

119. learned another language?no

120. wore makeup?i wear it everyday

121. lost my virginity before i was 18?i’ve never had sex so no

122. had oral sex?no

123. dyed my hair?yeah

124. voted in a presidential election?nope

125. rode in an ambulance? no

126. had surgery?i had a tooth extracted but that’s it

127. met someone famous?no

128. stalked someone on a social media account?dude every time my friends are online i look through their whole blog just bc i like seein what my friends are rebloggin

 129. peed outside?a long time ago but yeah

130. been fishing?yeah

131. helped with charity?i don’t have money to donate to charities 

132. been rejected by a crush?hoooo boy i sure have been

133. broken a mirror?no 

134. what do i want for my birthday?a nude binder

thank u for asking!

[stonerkat96]

Some real creepy shit get your fix

Some real creepy shit, get your fix. -I doubt it'll be creepy really but ok here we go again- 1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Yes i do 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? -No i wouldn't 3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? -Probably this morning lol 4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?-i always smile at strangers?? 5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? -there was idk if there still mad 6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? - snow the product reminded of of casey lol 7. What exactly are you wearing right now? -Uh yoga capries a half sleeve shirt and a yellow California jacket 8. How often do you listen to music? -Pretty often everyday 9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? -Jeans i own two pears of sweats i need more 10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2018? -Probably not but who knows 11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? -Im honestly right in between it depends on the day and who I'm being social with 12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? -Every single day 13. What about ‘R’? -Nope 14. Can you drive a stick shift? -Kindaaaa been a while my cars auto 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? -The honest answer is yes, i hate it but i always want people to like me. 16. Are you going out of town soon? -I live in a area wear driving two miles is out of town so probably lol 17. When was the last time you cried?- I cry a lot im on my period lol 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? -many people 19. If you could change your eye color, would you?- probably to blue or green because who doesn't love blue or green eyes, everyone thinks brown is boring lol 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?- Yes there is 21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. -my cars transmission gave out 22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?-uhhh duuuh lol 23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?- yes i am 24. What are you sitting on right now?- my couch 25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?- yes indeed 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? -honestly not that i can think of 27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?- alex of corse 28. Do you get a lot of colds? -recently yes 29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? -my mother lol 30. Does anyone hate you?- oh im sure 31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? -nope not much of a drinker 32. Do you like watching scary movies? - i love scary movies, pretending to be scared is the best 33. Do you want your tongue pierced? - yes but doubt i could ever do it 34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? -2012 35. Did you have a dream last night? -Like 5 lol 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? -5 minutes ago 37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? -Very possibly 38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? -Yessss 39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? -Yeess 40. Did you have a good day yesterday? -Uhhh it was okay 41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? -Yes i was 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? -For like 15 minutes yes 43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? -Yes a few people 44. What’s the best part about school? -Friendship 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? - yeah i have loads of pictures on fb 46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? -I did and one time i called a teacher a bitch in my note she found in my binder n she told the principle and i got a week of detention. That was 8 years ago. Damn time flys 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?-all the time 48. Were you single over the last summer?- off and on 49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?- not at all 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?- nothing lol 51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?- no ??? Why would i have talked to him 52. Are you nice to everyone?- mostly 53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? - of corse 54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? - ive gone three years 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? - not at all. 56. Do you think you like someone? - yes 57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? -Yes i have lol 4 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? -Friends are friends and friends are hard to come by 59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? -Yes a few times 60. Do you hate anyone? -A couple people 61. How’s your heart?-right now its pretty great 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? - everyone has something. 63. Have you ever cried over a guy? - a few guys 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? - probably no one 65. Are your toenails painted pink? - there not painted 66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? - loool no 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? - wtf no thats fucked up lol 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? -Lol no thank godddd 69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? - my mother 70. How do you look right now? - hairs in pigtails just chillen, 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? -Yes i do 72. Can you commit to one person? -Yes i can 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? -Yeppers 74. Have you ever felt replaced?- yes by my best friend 75. Did you wake up cranky? -Today??? Nope 76. Are you a jealous person?- depends 77. Are relationships ever worth it? - i guess 78. Anyone you’re giving up on? - i gave up one someone i loved a lot a year ago 79. Currently wanting to see anyone? - yes 80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? - call my dad 81. Last person you cried in front of? - alex 82. Is there someone you will never forget? -zachary 83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? Sometimes 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? -fucking 85. Are you over your past? - yes and no 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? - i thought i did lol 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? - yes yes yes 88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? -thatd be fuckin weird as fuck n no lol 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? -Id be like how the fuck did you outside??? And whyyy ? 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? -Lol yep 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? -Hopefully lol plannin in it 92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? Lol a few ppl. I took a michaels virginity 93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? Nope 94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? Yeah and good 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? Yes lol 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Very 97. Who do you have texts from? -Lol I'm gonna list them all okay, JFK 98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Depends lmao 99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? -Mostly ppl that are older lol 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? -No one jus meee 101. Ever kissed under fireworks? Yes :) 102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? Very much so --how tf was this creepy lmao ok---- ask me stuff?